#its gotten bad for me guys
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this is mílotale propaganda btw you should all go check out @streetlightgoblin like immediately
i do this of my own freewill cus im crazy
#mílotale#mílotale geno#gloreth#mílotale blue#jorilde#utmv#undertale au#GO READ THE FIC#LIKE RIGHT NOW#its gotten bad for me guys#i care so much#ok thats all
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haha heyy its been a while 😭😭 sorry for the lack of activity here,,, school has been kicking my butt + i've gotten SUPER hyperfixated on disco elysium,,,, BUT THE MOMENT I SAW THE ORIGINAL I KNEW I HAD TO DRAW SAM AS THIS RAHSBBFBDN i seriously need to catch up on the recent audios 😭😭😭 ANYWAY enjoy :)
vvvvv ORIGINAL BELOW vvvvv
shhhhghhshhshhsh youre telling me this ISNT sam??? like????
#redactedverse#redacted sam#redacted audio#sam collins#redacted asmr#my art#god seriously my disco elysium hyperfixation has gotten so bad#its a seriously good game you guys#i love harry and kim and jean and judit and RAHDHHDBF#i was hesitant on posting more stuff on here cuz ive gotten traction for my redacted stuff so#i feel like if i post more art people would expect more redacted stuff from me which im not as hyperfixated on anymore 😭#but then i realised i shouldnt think that way#THIS IS MY BLOG#YOU CANNOT COME INTO MY HOME AND ASK ME TO CHANGE THE COLOUR OF MY CARPETS#so ALL IN ALL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT!!!#I HOPE YOU DONT MIND IF I START POSTING FANART OF OTHER FANDOMS!!!#anyway SAM COLLINS THE MAN THAT YOU AREE AHDNDNGNNDF#im still not over you.
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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I had a shrink appointment today and while I could not see it I knew my doc was going through the five stages of grief while I explained my fool proof strategy for doing my t shots despite a crippling fear of needles: By abusing my vastly more crippling fear of being an inconvenience.
My mother and I play phasmophobia together every week. she usually has a pretty limited time to do this bc she's like. a doctor and a college professor whos always busy. So I asked her to just. hold me to doing them. We don't start playing until the shot is done. so my needle fear doesn't matter because now it's Wasting™ her time and I have to do it quick. Using one neurosis to defeat another.
It's a horrible coping mechanism because it's feeding the inconvenience fear, but it is definitionally a coping mechanism.
#im a 'has a panic attack during every injection or iv theyve ever gotten' type of scared of needles#no it genuinely has nothing to do with pain the needle itself is the fear not the using of it#like i told this story before but i have these sewing pins with lil bow ties on them and i had to get my dad to take all the blue ones out#because they were triggering the same part of my brain iv needles do#just the sight of them with the rest of my cute sewing pins was a problem#And the fear of being an inconvenience is so bad i cant eat around people or be in crowded spaces or talk at get togethers#without being paralyzed by fear of Being In The Way. its so bad ive been avoiding using my power chair bc it makes me take up#slightly more space than i would just standing. and i never took my manual out and about because i moved too slowly in it#and i dont take my crutches on planes despite using them everyday bc they cant fold up like my cane can and so are In The Way#one of the big reasons i dont use the chairs in stores is they have back up alarms. and i hate making noises in public#Yes this is part of the reason i want a Rottweiler for my service dog because i want people to look at the doggie Not Me.#I like people! i like being friendly and talking and making little connections with strangers!!! But i cant be the one to initiate or#be In The Way of a peaceful moment#dont look at me#this is also a big issue i have with making friends or changing the nature of a relationship because like. im autistic#I have Rules for social interactions memorized that i will follow. but moving people from one category to another#is difficult. It is too the point i had problems for litteral years talking to my boyfriend as though#he was a person i knew well and cared deeply for because i kept using the 'rando guy im flirting with on the Internet' script#I have commissioners i want to be friendlier with but my brain says No Stop that is an Impolite and Overly informal way to talk to#a customer™ despite them not being customers when they arnt in the commission process#im like thise huskies who are scared of carpet because its Different than the floor they're currently standing on#its Too different:(#and to be clear i am Completely aware of how none of this makes logical sense and is in fact deeply self destructive#That does not fix it. it is so ingrained in my head that im certain i could convince my brain to let me bite off my own fingers#before i could convince it to let me talk to someone at a help desk or ask my order be corrected at a restaurant
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greatest tragedy of our times is that this is the most we have visually left from harry nilsson's the point starring davy jones and micky dolenz
#PLEASE if you have more pictures SHOW THEM TO ME#you guys this musical is kind of crazy important to me its rly good#i think the puppeteering stuff is so charming i just wish i could SEE IT#tbh mickys costume in that photo is fucking HORRENDOUS i understand why it didnt take off#like to have such a strong visual element as fucking points and to flop so bad is crazy . sorry to whoever designed it but come on man#shouldve gotten me on set i wouldve done some serious damage#davy jones#micky dolenz#the monkees#the point musical#jolenz#harry nilsson
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there are multiple posts about there being made a deal with .. illumination ... to make a ....zelda movie..... over on twitter and i tweeted about me not being happy about it and hoping its not a thing (given how successful the mario one was ..... well, its gained alot more probabillity) and that yes i am 100% sure it will be bad and it WILL impact how i feel about the franchise bc i do care about it and dont want it to be bad-
it blew up over night and people got extremely upset about my opinion that i posted on my account so much so they either started insulting me over it, calling the zelda fandom toxic and insane (bc apparently i am the CEO of zelda fandom on twitter and am also toxic and insane) or start 20+ reply threads arguing with people while not untagging me on any of them
idk why it keeps happening that my random opinion posts blow up over there but maybe i finally reached a following size where i am in immediate danger of my harmless personal opinions to get passed around like i have some sort of authority over reality and i need to be rectified for it, but man its getting exhausting
so, hey tumblr!! thanks for not treating me like that for the most part! here goes my actually unfiltered opinion twitter would not be able to handle
i absolutely HATE the idea of a zelda movie, and i think it CANNOT be good unless you somehow get hayao miyazaki to do what he wants with it but we all know that aint happening and i also hate the thought of having to wade through and endless amount of screenshots of it bc it will make me see it, yes this time i actually do have a seething hatred for it, can you imagine crisp rat link????? i took psychic damage just wrtiting that and no its not even worth to have it just to make fun of it bc this isnt a funney ye olden times CDI crap but a modern billion dollar movie thats inevitably gonna be seen by millions of people and i will have to live with the knowledge most people will think of that first when i dare even mention liking zelda, i cannot express the shame i would feel i wish i actually had authority over reality to stop it from happening aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#ganondoodles talks#probably also bc i got less than half the following here#but still it feels like its gotten more toxic over there#calling me toxic and the zelda fandom toxic bc i had an opinion they didnt like is so funny tho#like ME?? the embodiement of the zelda fandom?? ME??#also i think people take my posts way too seriously#but no actually i WILL drop dead if they make it and its bad -it will be bad- out of shame for ever being invested in this franchise#bc way more people watch movies than play games and theyre gonna think of that first thing from then on when i mention zelda#shout outs to the guy calling me an asshole and saying they will watch the movie multiple times just to spite me#i do not wish to know whats going on in your brain#get well soon
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hey guys! i think im gonna take a little break from simblr for a bit. mentally i'm a bit worn out and i'm going through some paranoia relating to simblr so i'm gonna take a step back and recoup. might be a few weeks. ty for all the support lately though <3
#eliposting#i've been feeling more dread than excitement for the last few weeks#even though i'm very happy to be playing and the support makes me happy its just offset by the brain bads#i do love the content im making and im proud of it but there's just a lingering unsettled feeling#it has unfortunately been an ongoing issue for a few years re: paranoid anxiety on simblr and i hoped i could push through it this time#but unfortunately i just. cant rn. so a break is needed#u guys are so sweet and this community is always my safety net but i do just gotta hit pause for a bit#sorry about the wcifs i haven't gotten to#i just dont have it in me rn
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i have been condemned to work on christmas fucking eve despite working an office job and literally none of our clients being here can u guys send asks so i can be distracted out of seething about it all day
#frankly my job as a whole has been pissing me off lately#ppl are putting in 'complaints' abt me that are genuinely literally baseless#like as in someone complained abt me being 'not attentive' and when i asked for more details it turned out the guy#assumed i was going to do a bad job w smth and preemptively complained that i fucked it up. even tho i didnt and my boss agrees i didnt#but my boss just hates getting complaints abt me at all so i feel like hes gonna keep 'having talks' with me as long as this guy complains#which he will bc he's already decided he doesnt like me. clearly#i got tomorrow off and then im back to work the next day. i get the 1st off but not new years eve#id take time off but i cant bc im not a full time employee on a technicality so i dont get the same pto rates as everyone else#or any employee benefits at all. and ive tried to ask to become full time and gotten a firm no#so fuck me i guess . and fuck my job i guess#im ANNOYED. talk to me about robots im begging you its the only way#juno.txt
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“least favorite” isn’t anywhere close to bad. it just shows how damn hard the competition is going, but we’re talking about gold medals all around for each actor i’ve seen portray the doctor so far.
#and again on acting alone. i think i might prefer him over tennant in the long run.#which isnt saying tenannt is bad either its saying like. i just love them both but i love what smith brings to the table just slightly more.#i dont really put the war doctor on my rankings very seriously because he only had the one rpisode. and it was. a bad episode.#but his performance endeared me enough to him eith his haunted eyes and the weight he’s carrying that i would. possibly with a bias.#put him between ten and eleven.#and then first place depends on the day but i think twelve has pulled ahead of nine just barely. like damn. capaldi Gets It man. eccleston#also Got It in similar ways but obviously his shorter tenure did give him less tjme to show it off and twelve’s gotten three seasons to show#just how fantastically capaldi pulls together this grieving weirdo. this man who loves so hard it burns him up. who is so scared of his own#goodness and losing it. he’s so good guys.#god i cant wait to see where jodie falls on this list im really excited for her take. and mr gatwa too.#and the classic who guys obviously. i mean i already like the guy they get to play One in the audios and im really curious how he measures#up against hartnell(?)’s original performance#i know the vibes will be very different than those of nuwho but im excited :)
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can i just be totally honest for just a sec. this past year hasnt been my favorite. it hurt a Lot and i really didnt think id be as happy as i am when the end of the year came around. it was not the best year by far for me. kinda nothing has been Great since i was like 12 honestly. But also i've learned a Lot about myself this year. I've healed, hurt, loved, laughed, everything in between, and will continue to do all that because thats life and im living (!!!!). I'm about to have a birthday that i didnt even think i was going to get to see like 4 years ago so. yeah. happy new year everyone and im really really happy im here <3 thank you all
#camera talks#sorry for getting real for a second LMAO#umhmhm#happy new year <3#im really really glad yall are around and im around#ive had a Lot of struggles this year#(from what i can remember. tbh ive blocked out So So much pain i know im forgetting stuff)#its been bad but i know its been worse. sorta. tbh this hasnt been a good year thinking about it but i dont want to think about it rn so#But i know i didnt think id reach the end of the year like this#im very happy ive gotten here. im so happy ive accomplished everything ive accomplished#and im almost okay with what im going into next year.#its scary but ive got people and support and i can make it through#i feel more loved and safe#and i hope it'll mostly just go up for me in a lot of aspects from here#okay. thx for reading if you read all the way through this :)#i love you guys <33#thank you to the mutuals and followers who have been here since my early days and who have recently showed up#you're all amazing and i wish you nothing but the best <3
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the way she smiled when she picked up the phone really inspired me lol
#like if you watch them back to back it's been like 10 minutes since the movie speech#and only like a month in the show so i like to think she would have still thought about it when she saw the caller id#this is making me want to write fan fiction really bad#juliet being cute#psych edit#juliet o'hara#psych usa#shawn spencer#the text bubble is actually lassiter#thats not a reference i literally drew over him to make the picture work#god im so normal about the two of them#but really why would she smile like that when he calls#i have a mutual on here that does basically this but it's only ener two men in the ship (you know who you are <3)#and whenever i picture him seeing this im like ''oh yeah he does the same thing he wont mind. oh except his are gay''#why do i have the misfortune of only shipping straight people#i mean these two are very bisexual but its a guy and a girl#well okay bella and alice#anyway it's 3 am and i need to expand on this i really want to write fan fiction about them now#no spoilers please this is like as far as i've gotten in the show#psych#shules
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just got a dm abt one of my posts and y'all please don't try and show the hermits (or any minecraft youtuber or content creator for that matter) my posts, i'm uncomfortable with it and don't want any of my posts shown to a cc. if they stumble upon it naturally that's unfortunate but i can live with it since i do maintag a lot (something i REALLY need to stop doing tbh i already know i need to make a tagging system just for my blog that wont clog results) but going out of ur way to show a cc is entirely different and something i am not comfortable with.
no hate to the person at all but even if i wasn't a little silly and weird with it sometimes i wouldn't be comfortable with it, i want my blog to be a purely fandom only space with none of the creators involved <3 please respect this
#which is imo how a fandom space should be#i'm old fashioned and it breaks the fandom etiquette rules i stand by#i ship and stuff and absolutely NO cc needs to be subjected to that please and thank you even if it's a non-ship post#not saying hermits and others cant hang out and interact if they wish hell no but like....#if you as any person with a following willingly go into a fandom space you have to expect to see some things you find weird#doesn't even necessarily mean ship just stuff the cc finds weird :v idk im not phrasing this right but like#the rule with shipping around any sort of media has been to keep it away and not show the creators anything !!! and thats fallen out#of practice the past few years with ppl getting more and more comfortable demanding boundaries and personal info from creators#which isn't right imo bc its like you're trying to see how much you can get away with. u want a guide on how to interact and social skills#which is... huh??? just be polite and keep anything weird away from them like what we were doing#some folks nowadays need “permission” to ship stuff even from SHOWS and shit with no real people and its like wow... huh....#u need it to be canon?? u need everything told to u by the show?? wheres the imagination. the spirit.#the making of everything so far removed from what it once was#like that guy that played nick from heartstopper that had to be outed to play a gay guy. like#idk im so sick of the boundary fandom ppl in mcyt 'what if they saw and made it uncomfortable!! im going to show them!!!!'#you are making them MUCH more uncomfortable than i am by GOING INTO THEIR FACE AND DEMANDING THEY LOOK AT IT!!#AND DEMANDING BOUNDARIES N SHIT... CRAZY.... idk the hermits especially its weird to me bc clearly they understand fandom etiquette#and the dynamic im talking about. most of them understand that by going into fandom spaces they will see things they dont like#which is why a lot of them only like fanart and answer questions asked by fans. even on tumblr !!! where the weird ppl are!!!#they also all seem to understand they are playing characters (citing joel cleo and grian as examples) for their audiences#which is. smth the audience itself doesnt understand most of the time anymore. oh my god they all died in real life in hermitcraft season 8#idk hermitblr used to be a lot more okay with hermitshipping n then a bunch of ppl from other fandoms moved in and its all more negative#and makes me sad. idk...#i never meant for this blog to gain almost 500 followers i just wanted to make silly little ship posts and now im scared to#bc ive gotten hate and its.... bwugh.... tempted to remake blogs and make one thats very clearly just for me and a few weirdos#whatever i went off on a tangent in the tags as usual just pls dont show creators my posts even non-ship ones for this reason#jamies bad posts#talking in tags#serious posts#<- ig??? idk
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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People are either in denial or refusal to accept Ruin still being evil.
I'M PEOPLE 💔💔💔
#asks#anon#me and my two other ruin enjoyer friends are GRIEVING!!!!!! /dramatic#EVEN STILL THO I DON'T THINK ITS A WHOLLY EVIL SCENARIO.#i know a lot of the fandom has gotten used to the good guys/bad guys dynamic but also like.#bats my eyelashes at a potentionally canon chaotic neutral ruin#add some flavor w/ that boy..... make him silly#sun and moon show#tsams#tsams spoilers
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in my ponyboy curtis era rn (taking an unreasonable amount of aspirin and various other medicines)
#the amount of aspirin ive been consuming lately is crazy#and ive just been sipping from this liquid cold medicine bottle i got this afternoon like its a glass of water#i think pony was on to something guys...#jk obviously dont do this#i just cant stand being inconvenienced by pain#and this cold that i just got hit me SO quick and its gotten to such a bad point in the span of like 24 hours#anywho back to my ice cream and cough medicine#tw medicine#pony14personal#ponyboy curtis
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I don't trust North we disagree on literally almost everything why does me attempting to still be a civil human being with the basics of decency lock Markus and her into a romance what the heck
#detroit become human#detroit become human spoilers#bit of play experience#literally I think I've only gotten her approval twice?#being sincere when Markus was trying to have alone time and successfully getting the trucks during the heist at the very beginning#Bring John with us? disapproval#turn away from her suggestions of violence (that she is constantly making at the slightest inconvenience)? disapproval#its mainly that last one actually#But I try to return the common decency of her expressing interest in Markus by asking her what her deal is?#suddenly they're lovers#I go back because I'm too frustrated with the fact I'm prompted to kiss her despite the fact that I'm still steadily gaining disapproval#and stick with the decision to not ask about her past#even though now that I know it Markus turning away saying “I'm going to talk to the humans” sucks and feels so bad#but don't just leave her to die when the army is baring down on her?#oh you guys are lovers again#even though you literally gain her disapproval yet again literally a moment later#like#?????????????????????#I don't dislike her enough to leave her to die but this is absolutely confounding to me#my version of Markus is literally opposed to her on almost everything#the one thing they can agree on is making sure Jericho is safe and making a better future for androids#why cant markus just dap up simon#<- screachogreilige addition that I agree with
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