#its been three days and i havent recovered still

[suavis]

i need to be put down like an old dog fr 😔 now that my teen years are over suddenly i have every problem at once

[matthewmurdockswife]

My Story <3

Tw: suicide,Sh,self-hate

Hey yall so I never really talk about my personal life on here but i feel like I owe everyone an explanation.

Within the past two years I have recovered from SH, and an attempted suicide, it was half ass but it was still an attempt. I was playing fast and loose with my life because I thought there was nothing left of it. I hated myself and how I looked, How I always felt so depressed the way my relationships with friends and family always seemed to fall apart but most of all I hated myself.

Im not sure exactly when it happened but about one year ago I met someone. She had similar interests as me and understood me on a personal level and even though we had lived completely different experiences she was there for me. We started talking more and more and I found out she lived Hours away from me in a completely different country, but I accepted our distance and created our connection. She helped me see that my life was very much so worth living. This girl was harley @dwntwn-strnlo

About four months later the only friends I was talking with in person blew up on me with fake excuses about why we shouldnt be friends, one had stolen some of my clothes as well as some of my money. It hurt more not because they left me but because I trusted them and they betrayed me, They left me out to dry and I reconnected with an old friend from middle school, M.

M helped me to realize that my emotional connection to people isnt a downfall but my strong suit. My intense passion love and energy I give to the world only makes me more beautiful not more weak.

Then M introduced me to S. And S is the most kind and gentle and loving people ive ever met. She reflected me in every sense of my love for others. S helped me to realize that just because someone else doesnt agree doesnt mean I cant formulate and stand up for my own opinions.

The three of us became very close and talked nearly everyday. Im not sure exactly when or why, but one day I decided to pull out my phone and film one of our lunches. Me,M and S all really hit it off we loved being in front of the camera and it almost just felt like the camera wasnt even there.

So we kept filming and that night I went home to edit our very first video and I posted it on an old youtube channel. I touched it up and added pretty colours and tried to make it more asethetic and I stayed up all night working on that first video.

And it got 13 views. And a hate comment. And then youtube took it down. But we didnt care. We kept hussling and we never stopped filming and i havent lost passion in the past half year weve been filming, I even branched off to start my own youtube channel because I love it so much.

I know I dont share much with you all and you dont even know my name, but I felt that where I was today was something i needed to share. My group doesnt have very many subscribers and im okay with that as long as it means I get to keep doing something I love.

so unfortunately I have been putting a lot less time and a LOT less effort into my writing. Im in my senior year of highschool and its all or nothing. I really want to do youtube as a career but i understand the sucsess rate is low, I have a backup plan but ill never be as happy as I am when im in front of the camera filming one of our youtube videos.

So I wanted to apologize to those of you who have been waiting for me to post but its very unlikely that i will be posting many or frequent fics anymore im not saying Im stopping im just slowing down. Its been a rough couple of years but ive finally found something I can pour my heart into. I hope yall understand I love yall so much seriously youve given me so much support<3

Love,

matthewmurdockswife <3

Please never hesitate to talk to me about anything through my inbox or my dms <3

@dwntwn-strnlo @fenoy7 @sturnioloshacker @lvrsparadise @querenciasturniolo

[may-bee-its-just-me]

personal life update

Hey yall, i figured i'd take some time to give a personal life update as well as allow myself to vent for a second. I'll start with the positives for those not interested in the emotional bits :]

I've been making more substantial steps towards buying a car! I've been looking into this one Saturn, and while it's got a few minor issues, it's still my best option so far. Hoping to buy it for 2000, or 2500-3000 if the seller is willing to continue fixing the current known issues.

I've also been growing a bit closer to God, and I've been finding peace among the chaos. I'm learning to lean on Him for support - which has been an uphill battle against myself and the feeling I need to cling onto what i can control, but when i have been able to let go it's been very freeing. I'm still working on myself and growing in Christ, but progress is progress.

I recently got promoted to Crew trainer (about a month or two ago). I'm now making 75 cents more an hour than I did this time last year, after two biannual performance reviews and a promotion. I heard rumors that I'd been in consideration for a management position but I havent been talked to about it specifically, and I'm not sure if I'd accept if offered it. Still flattering to know though :]

Apparently more than once, customers have spoken to my managers and possibly even some higher ups praising my work ethic. I think its specifically when working on front counter/in lobby, as I'm most actively engaging with customers then and they can see me compulsively scanning over lobby for trash when im otherwise not busy. Regardless, it's nice to know I'm making a genuine positive impact on customers' experiences and potentially the rest of their days. Today, one such pair of customers is an older couple known for being very particular, occasionally rude/difficult to serve. They had already called our regional manager that day to complain before I was moved up front, saw them, and said hi. Later on one of my managers came up to me and had mentioned they liked me, and I assume said something to them about it. :]

On the flip side, i've been in a depressive funk for several months now. I'm actually questioning if it's a depressive funk, or if I'm always depressed and sometimes it's just...not as bad. But the last few weeks have been worse. I'm struggling to take care of myself, and while it's not as bad as it has gotten before - I went three days without showering this week and lately i've been routinely skipping showers after maintaining showering almost daily for a year.

For the last few weeks I keep going back and forth between losing my appetite, and eating myself into feeling sick. I'm pretty sure this is from grief and will pass though.

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks/almost a month ago. For reasons, although there wasn't any real conflict between us during the relationship, it was more internal conflict and convictions. We'd been getting distracted with each other, putting off other things to spend time with each other. He needed to focus on his health and figuring his life out. Part of me still wants to cling onto hope he'll come back around, wants to go back and fight back against his reasons for leaving, because I damn know he still cares about me more than friends. But I'm trying to just trust that if we're meant to be, God will bring us together again naturally when we're ready for it. Trying to focus on getting my shit together on my end, and let Him figure the rest out. We're still friends, and through the relationship we were always friends above all else, so I'm thankful to still just have him in my life. I'll be okay, but the grief does eat away at me sometimes. I thought I had been recovering from it pretty well, but that was suppression (oops). I keep going back and forth from feeling okay about it, and feeling like a piece of me is missing. I even get mad at him from time to time, blaming him for my hurt feelings. "You promised forever" "you actively encouraged me to open up and lean on you, encouraged me to share my burdens with you, and now im supposed to just be okay with that ripped away" and then i see him, and i remember its not his fault, and he's always had my best interest in mind. Even in breaking up with me, he was doing out of the place of wanting what was best for both of us, and thought I deserved someone who already had everything together and wasnt a mess in himself. I know he genuinely meant every word he said in the moment, because i saw him. I saw it in his eyes. I saw it in his actions. I found the card he gave me for my birthday, and it made me cry, because it hurts my heart to think he's breaking both of our hearts needlessly. But everything happens for a reason, and so I'm trying to just...go with the flow of wherever this season of my life takes me. It hurts to think of either of us moving on with someone else, but whatever happens happens. I have so much love to give, and it's a challenge to find somewhere in the tangible physical realm to put it.

Silver lining, he said I can keep the shirt and hoodie he had let me borrow before. I've been wearing his hoodie everywhere...The only thing stopping me from still carrying my promise ring around is the sensory issues that caused me to stop wearing it to work in the first place.

The few coworkers I've told are convinced we're going to get back together soon, but again, trying to trust God and not my own hopes and dreams lol At the very least, no one can gossip about the break up because they can still see us laughing and getting along fine at work. A different couple had briefly broken up, and the amount of gossip that was floating around was awful - everyone talking trash about either person involved because there was a lot of friction between them. I'm just glad that wont be the case for us, and if we don't reunite anytime soon, at least we can still function at work more or less normally.

thats all tonight folks. Thanks for reading, God bless.

-Mod Bee🐝

[altermay]

Tw/ transphobia, discussions of dysphoria, brief mention of suicide, descriptions of child abuse

Getting unbearable. Feeling sick. Started working to afford hormones only to find out the service that is most accessible to me (plume) doesnt offer T in alabama anymore due to changing laws. Fuck all these stupid politicians putting their noses in others lives.

Thought people at work wouldnt make a super huge deal, as I was selective with who I told, so i thought maybe I could hold out a bit longer and at least i wouldnt have to feel so dysphoric all the time, since all my coworkers knew me as Monte. But then instead of my name, people who would usually call anyone else by their name started calling me “Miss” and “maam”

Even the ones I had come out to, and even the ones who told me they were accepting.

Whatever, im from a small rural area, so transphobia is not new to me, what is new to me, however, is being openly trans in an unfamilliar environment. I thought I could start T quickly and maybe people would ever forget that im trans in the first place, but now its been so long.

Some people call me He, and use the right pronouns, but increasingly lately Ive received a myriad of transphobia.

Being called tranny loudly while my coworker kicks my broom as I try to sweep (kicking hard enough for the broom to almost leave my hands and hit another person behind me) , Getting called “it” behind my back. Stuff like this is becoming more common.

The two coworkers who called me it, have been spreading lies about my work performance these past five days, Ive been told my three different people that every time I leave to go do something they start talking badly of me. So I got to my breaking point, at this point it had nothing to do with the pronouns, I was just upset that two forty+ year old adults were purposefully making my job harder to do while I was also struggling with a ton of other stuff (ptsd, seasonal depression, a family members recent suicide) and so I couldnt stop crying.

Despite this situation having nothing to do with me being trans, they are now trying to spread the narrative that Im just being sensitive because they were misgendering me while they were borderline bullying me.

If I was not trans, people would take me seriously on these issues. But now, because I am upset, suddenly Im just a stereotype. A sensitive trans person who is offended because someone used the wrong pronouns a few times.

I will be one to say, I do not give a SHIT about my pronouns. Ive been called the wrong ones my whole life by a majority of people. That was never the issue. But because Im trans, that is the only issue people can perceive for me to have. The ONE issue I had with them regarding my pronouns was them calling me “it” and thats not because its the wrong pronoun, thats because its DEHUMANIZING.

But now I have other coworkers who know NOTHING about the situation saying shit like “well if she claims shes a man maybe she should suck it up” “well if she wants to be seen as a man maybe she shpuld cut her hair”

Fuck you. How about YOU get beaten for 17 years, YOU watch your siblings get beaten near to death for 17 years. YOU have flashbacks of things you dont understand all day every day and we will see how fucking well youre able to “suck it up” you are WEAK. YOU ARE ALL WEAK. And you dont know what its like to be me. My mother tried to kill me. My mother almost killed my sister, I was neglected, never went to a doctor, and I STILL dont know how to take care of myself. And I still havent recovered all of the memories.

Ive had SHORT HAIR ive had LONG HAIR Ive had a MOHAWK, ive had a BUZZCUT ive been BALD. And people STILL fucking saw me as a woman. Im tired of conforming to this bullshit just so people can treat me the same as they always do

Fun fact though, since Ive had long hair Ive been gendered correctly by strangers MORE than I have with ANY OTHER HAIR STYLE.

These stupid fucking transphobes and their stupid fucking stereotypes im so fucking sick of it all. And corporate wont do anything about it, Im sure of this.

Why is it so hard for me to just live my fucking life.

Im so sick of it all

[the-s1lly-corner]

Asides from the spots, is Leo showing other signs of generally being unwell (i.e. leaves curling, wilting, soil rejecting water, ect)?

All things considered, he looks fine otherwise. I'm more than likely overreacting over this so idk it kind of feels dumb to outright admit he appears fine otherwise

hes not wilting, in fact hes standing as tall as he did ever (as a mini happy update hes now surpassed 2 feet in height! his tallest growth reaches 25 inches above soil!)

theres only a tiny handful of leaves that are curled into themselves, like 1 or 2 leaves iirc. but those were already like that prior to the spots, not all of his leaves recovered from when he got stressed out from getting rootbound (caught fairly early although he was stuck in his old smaller pot for a few days longer than i would have liked), but asides from the 2 leaves and one branch that wouldnt recover, hes bounced back from that fully

as for watering, i havent watered him since ive brought him inside. not because i forgot but because i watered him the day before i noticed the spots, and his soil still hasnt fully dried out- not ready for another watering yk? but ill report on that when it is time, might be another day or two- maybe three

he does have some leaves that are yellowing at the tips but those are old, and i think its just because i keep forgetting to adjust and rotate leo in the light + on top of that the leaves that do have yellowed tips are lower and obscured by other branches and leaves- blocked out

additional stuff: i havent given him any plant food (outside of whats in his potting mix) since late june- i did have plans to give him another round within a few months though. the potting soil he has does seem to have some stuff in it, so technically he was partly fed at the beginning of the month when he was put in his new pot but tbf i dont know how far a few handfuls of soil would go since he just needed enough to fill the rest of his pot

he did have some of his upper roots exposed for a while, with a thin layer of soil covering them. soil would be moved aside when he got watered however that was fixed this past weekend- we had run out of potting soil when we were moving him and couldnt get more until recently... so maybe its a sign of stress?? but ive never read anything about spots forming on leaves when a trees stressed but tbf leos my first plant ever and im no professional and im learning as i go

uuuuuh trying to think of anything else note worthy about his overall health and care

he hasnt been pruned in a while save for snipping a branch off as mentioned before- he is overdue for a pruning its just a matter of figuring out what to cut off and what to keep... ive heard citrus trees are some of the most forgiving with pruning when it comes to fruit trees but tbh i havent fact checked that yet- but that doesnt make me any less nervous... have been making sure to cut at the collars through... and of course, with washed and disinfected tools

the one time i used any product asides coffee ground water and eggshell tea and his food, is neem oil however i used that as a soil soak in... i think may? and he was just fine so i doubt its that

[rainynerdoafpainter]

My therapist canceled our session for today. She sent me an email yesterday at 4pm and I didn't see it until 20 minutes before our session when I was looking to fill out the questionnaire. She asked to reschedule for Thursday afternoon. I start classes on Thursday and I have work. I'm not mad at her or even disappointed in her, just a lot more hopeless for myself. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks and with this week it will be 4. I havent replied to her email and I wont until Friday to reschedule another time, whenever. I dont really care at this point. These past 3 weeks have been so hard, ive thrown up, over-excerised, lost 4 pounds, gained four pounds, my body shaking because I havent ate in so long, purple hands and legs, so little energy my friends begin to ask why, extreme irritability, on the verge of passing out, debilitating headaches and worst of all, no matter how much weight I lose, its never enough. Yeah I dont want help or to recover but maybe, just maybe, for one second I could believe that im not broken. That I am more than my trauma, eating disorder and hardships. But when I saw that email this morning, it just solidified everything. I am hopeless and I will never be happy. Ive lost a little over 15 pounds and my stomach is still not flat. Being 5'2 means that I wont be skinny until 110. I am at 120. After I saw the cancelation email, I went back to my room to start crying and dissociating. I havent cried since our last therapy session, three weeks ago. I also called out of work the entire day. After that of course I was just like- im going to starve myself but I was in such a state of hopelessness, I went to buy so much junkfood. I stopped myself before it got out of hand and to be honest, Im not sure what to do with the rest of the snacks. I cant keep them here, but its 26 dollars worth of it. I cant give it to my roommate because she will leave it in the pantry and I will eat it. Very tempted to just throw everything away, its my fault for buying all that crap.

[sunnychuuya]

Pookie what the flip is this I'll answer them tho lmao at least I'll try it might be slightly venty so srry about thar

yea most of the time I geuss. They suck a little sometimes but they try their best and I love them

2. My gc with my besties to say gn

3. So. So. So fucking much.

4. Its been getting a lot better lately but some days I still feel actually sickened at the sight of my own body

5. Single..

6. Painlessly. Hopefully much much later.

7. Taco belllll

8. I did soccer for a year when I was 4 and I want to attempt figure skating at some point, I'm really good at goalie in alot of games though

9. No I have two fake teeth that stop me from doing that (lore drop!!)

10. Never been in a fight. Just one sided against me if I wasn't absolutely fucking terrified of getting in trouble I would've beaten the shit outta some people, I suppose the closest thing I ever got was in 5th grade some dude was a repeated bully of mine I can't remember what it was about this time but he fucking grabbed my arm and twisted it like this fucking close to breaking it and I tried to kick him in the balls and a teacher yelled at me 🥰 he had no consequences

11. I mean I'm a Lil confused. I just got out of my first ever real relationship and I'm still recovering tbh. But I had liked my friend for three years previously and I still love him alot but I can't tell if it's platonic or not. I think it is now?

12. O n l y 48 hrs?

13. I hate alot of people tbh but I kinda hate myself for hating them cuz that's normal

14.yea

15. MY SILLY PUPPIES (one is 11 years old)

16. Fucking terrified cuz I'm about to play the second episode of sally face

17. I still have my lip virginity bro

18. HELL SPAWN

19. Maybe. I kinda wanna be a little kid again but also it wasn't the greatest for me outside of my house so I don't even know.

20. bRO PELASE STOP I HAVENT-

21. Nothing lmao

22. Idk maybe someday. Probably one maximum 2

23. Basic ear piercings but God I want more

24. English and science.

25. Yes.

26. Physical touch I need to cuddle up with someone right now I genuinely feel like I'm dying

27. I mean yea and I feel horrendous about it it broke my heart too but it wasn't a healthy relationship and was fucking up both of us

28. YES IN FUCKING FIFTH GRADE- I SWEAR TK GOD- I don't think he understood but like bruh

29. Please you're making me want to grab a knife and take it to my stomach I didn't want too but it needed to happen.

30. Same as sai, the questiond about relationships but for a different reason like God I felt horrendous enough already

31. Sai how fuckin dare you I love u okay ur like super cool and fun and I feel if I met you irl I would've wanted to be friends with you too. But I'm pretty sure I am. I just still sometimes have trouble believing it.

32. OURPLE

33. Whaaat noooo- WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU-

34. Last one thar wasn't jusr black was about choso from jjk and it was really silly I'm such a fucking degenerate bro help me

35. My dog clifford

36. Yes oh fuck yes I do and it has given me some of my worst regrets in life

37. Forgive, barely ever turns out well tho.

38. I wish its sucked tbh

39. NEVAH

40. proly when I was like a baby

In skipping numbers too for my brain to work

51. Tacoss

52. I mean technically yes it does I could go into science but I'm sure thats not what you mean, but no I do not believe everything happens for a reason because of some higher power or whatever

53. Played sally face for an hour then texted some friends cuz I was too fucking scared to sleep

54. Fuck no

55. I try not to be

56. None

57. I dunno.

58. Rainy

59. Yesss

60. Yup

61. Yeess

62. Idk alot of things surprisingly anime/friends/kpop tho r all great and video games

63. I like my name but it doesn't always feel like it fits but there's nicknames that help :3

64. STOP THIS

65. Heyyy this happened to me. I politely turned him down and we r still besties I went to his house 2 weeks ago

66. Yes. Same friend. When I went to his house he snorted fun dip and I RANTED to him about kpop for 30 minutes even tho he knows nothing

67. OH FUCK WAIT ONE OF MY BESTIES ID A TRANS DUDE I FORGOT HE TECUNIXALLY COUNTS AS OPPOSITE SEX KINDA IDK CUZ SEX IS LIKE ??? I DONT FUCKIN KNOW IG HIM BUT IF WE DONT MEAN GENDER BUT SEX THEN THE SAME DUDE FROM THE LAST TWO

68. Deepest within the last month was a 3am sleepover chat with my bestie over how mha saved my life

69. Idk

70. Yea at least 10 ppl

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow totally understand if u don't feel like answering these btw they r kinda hard

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[arqdyke]

OH WOW you're still awake hiii!! one more then while i have the chance. also so honored to have an entire tag now. that has to be an accomplishment. and!!! 👀 what niche rarepair pls i will bite at anything 👀👀

i cannot remember what else i was going to say so i'll just follow that too. op is sooooo friendly to multiship and rare ships because all of the characters no matter how minor are so interesting. it's fun to fling two people together as a concept and figure out how they would interact. (even not romantically even!! just two dudes would they be mortal enemies would they be chill? would they be besties for life??)

case in point! i got into op already knowing of a law ship, and after i read dressrosa, that ship solidified in my mind. but!! i caught up to op during zou :) which, in my mind, was the height of sabo/law popularity. so my first ship for sabo was actually with law! crazy how things work out. so much time has passed that i don't hardly even think about them anymore.

ohhh wait i know what i wanted to say now. favorite aus for fic?? any you would love to see in acesabo fic? if i know of any, i'll grab one for you ;)

hi!! i am in fact awake!!! i wanted to write more for my exchange fic bc ive just started recovering from been sick the past few days and havent rlly had the chance. but i ended up putting it off until like 12am LOL. under the cut again i talk . a lot.

its fun you mentioned sabolaw because. the 'pair' in question for the au is actually ichiji/sabo/law. no i dont know why my brain latched onto this. yes im still kind of obsessed with it. the social media aspect of my shipfic is a lot about ichiji & the transition from being a child star (alongside his siblings) to a more casual internet ministardom. theres court drama bullshit. theres fangirl law. all three of them are transfem. its really special to me.

also YEAH EXACTLY!!! to your rarepair thoughts. in every fandom im in im a huge sucker for rarepairs that seem like complete nonsense. throw those characters whove never met into a room and LOCK IT! not always romantically yeah but honestly its a lot easier to like . find content of niche pairs through ship names than just trying to sift through a million posts in their maintags. tumblr wise, at least. i actually have a sideblog thats been since sort of abandoned dedicated to finding as much niche rarepair content for two characters (not always with each other, just those two in general).

a fun thought exercise ive done a few times also is getting a nice randomizer of characters im familiar with for a fandom and using it to pick out a few ships to figure out how theyd interact/if i could make a shipfic out of them. sometimes they click sometimes they dont but its a fun way to explore characters imo

whats ur fav lawship nowadays if you dont mind :3? i like a looot for him ill admit but im not particularly committed to any. as with the multishipper way. and thats fair (on the sabolaw bit)... first ships dont always last super long. they sure are fun to think back too tho ^_^

my favorite aus for fic... oh god thats a tough one. i already mentioned modern aus and this ones sort of a tangent off niche topic focus's BUT. fics that are set in a specific career (especially doctor aus & lawyer aus but genuinely i just rlly like looking at niche little details of someones career.) see also hobby focused aus! like uhh. gymnastics. ice skating. just stuff like that idk. and aus that are focused around like.. movie tropes/genres. crime noir detective aus, slasher horror aus.. especially fun when theres a spin on the original tropes but when you can see how much love someone has for the og concept is when it rlly shines.

none of those are super specific tho. um. i have a soft spot for superhero aus even when theyre really bad. fantasy aus are trickier but when they hit they hit rlly nice. (trying really hard to think ummm) thats about all i can think of rn? but it is pretty late so im for sure forgetting some.

NOW. as for acesabo specifically.. first off if you have any fic ud especially recommend id love to read them regardless of the tropes/ships/whatever. but. acesabo aus.. ohhhgh. i dont know!! ive read a lot of really cute modern aus with them. and im not USUALLY into soulmate aus flat out but i could really love a good acesabo soulmate au. it just suits them. theyre both characters i enjoy seeing as cute girls quite a bit. its kind of unfortunate im not really a fan of either of them as trans guys bc there is SO MUCH transmasc ace stuff out there. sorry my guy you have my name i cant live like that. all respects to people who do like that tho! i like them nonbinary multigendering it up . sometimes transfem sometimes just.. trans. sorry this is not the point.

aus... aus... shakes my head around. OH i would LOVE to see a roleswap with them. ive thought abt that before and its kinda beautiful. i do also love a good polyship with them both! what elseeee. oh i didnt mention it earlier when we were talking tropes but political drama bullshit is soooo fucking good. for acesabo also! but im pickier with them with it bc i feel like it tends to get too whumpy/focused on misery. which isnt rlly my thing personally. gotta be a careful balance. i like aus where theyre both in the same 'group'; being both revolutionaries or both pirates or whatever.

i hope this actually answers your question lol i realize i went on a bit... but yeah. have a nice night if youre headed offline urself ^_^! ill be on for a while longer likely but i take so long to write these asks it might be pointless

[midnighteloquence]

tjrjeiskdk

surprise attack! (just wanna spew out words and emotions and hope it makes sense)

i feel like an alien. like, i genuinely feel foreign compared to others, compared to my classmates, my family, my own friends. that feeling of not belonging has resided in me for years and resurfaces a lot. and with neurodivergent people, even if im nd like them i still feel like i shouldnt be there, like no one truly gets me. i feel more complex than a human should be.

and theres so many times where i wish i could be human. i wouldnt have to feel like im uninvited everywhere i go, that nobody really likes whatever comes out of my mouth. i wish i couldve been born normal, because i think id be happier if i was neurotypical.

anyways! thats the nd life for ya! i always feel like i should shut my mouth about facts no one really cares about!

im recovering, i think. im not sure how recovered i am. because when i think about it, im still suffering mentally. im just not taking it out on myself like i used to. i can sober up and get clean as much as i like, reach as many milestones as i can, but ill never feel happy. my mind will never truly rest. ill always cry and sob and beg that i die in my sleep. thats not recovery, just because im not self destructing doesnt mean ive recovered

i feel so tired and i dont know how to feel energised. im bored of life and fill it with meaningless special interests and fanfics. i find myself just hating so many people. i hate this so much

the years have come and go and yet i still feel like id feel better if i was nothing. ive been feeling this way for three years now, ive grown tired of this suicidal ideation, of the seasonal depression, of feeling so left out despite having so many friends

im surprised people havent left me yet, because usually when people really like me itll take a little bit before they hate me. at this point im counting the days till i have to eat lunch in the bathrooms.

theres so much in life that i wanna do but i see none of it ever happening. i dont take school seriously, infact i hate it. im gifted but its slowly declining as things get harder to understand. i dont even have a plan b

whatever bye

Makoto is the rizzler

[captain-noir]

yeah...so station eleven destroyed me in the very specific way the leftovers did a few years back. its a masterpiece! they should just stop making television now and forever because nothing currently airing compares

[spectraspecs-writes]

.

[daftpatience]

got a cane cus my booba so huge that theyre uhh making my spine bad

i talk abt my booba hurting my bones under the cut

so! im currently a 40 M and my breasts weigh over 12lbs! this means my back hurts a LOT. all the time. i wanna go over how this affects my body cus i bet some folks would find it interesting and i like talking about myself lol

ive had xrays of my spine and it’s pinched in the mid back area because i lean backwards a bit when standing to counterbalance the weight of my breasts. my hips are also extremely tight in a weird area that’s hard to relieve. the pinch in my spine and my fucked up hips are from my body trying to compensate for the weight of my breasts.

if i don’t wear a bra, all the strain feels as though it’s in my neck and i get really bad headaches radiating from there up through my head, every day. i cannot do any tasks that require me to stand with my arms out for any length of time (like doing dishes) because the pain in my upper back gets unbearable instantly!

if i do wear a bra (and i only wear ones without underwires), the neck pain is gone but it all relocates to my shoulders. i’m able to do more physical activities, but it gets really irritated under my breasts and the buildup of pain on my shoulders becomes unbearable over time.

when i’m sitting my breasts also pull me down into a hunch, and it’s difficult and painful to sit up straight. i also can’t bend over to pick up things. it hurts less to crouch than to bend from the hip, but still hurts. my family’s also got some genetic shitty knee thing that i should really get looked at so my knees like to give out on me a lot. i get this not-so-often blindingly sharp pain in one knee if i stand up from crouching! aaa. i almost forgot about that while writing this.

due to all that, after a few hours of walking, lifting, or anything that’s physical, i end up in serious hip/back pain at the end of the day. i do what i can to help recover, i use cold packs and painkillers, but i’ve often lost sleep from the pain. there isn’t much i can do for a job if i can’t bend over :( sometimes i’m bedridden for a whole day or more from this. its been this way for a good three years or more? i can’t remember that well!

cue the cane: helps me bend over! i was surprised that it also helps me walk around as i wasnt expecting it to do much for me, but i feel like i have a lot more energy since getting it AND i havent gotten out of bed in excruciating pain once since ive been conscious about not bending over without the cane! im flabbergasted and happy. i should have gotten one a long time ago. i’m also nervous that i’m visibly disabled - i’m fat and gnc so the amount of people that are gonna see me as a target for isms and phobias just went up. it’s scary to stand up for yourself and your needs.

i wonder if there’s some underlying chronic pain or weakness thing i’m dealing with, cus that’s a lot just from some heavy tits, but we’ll see after they’re gone if my whole body still hurts ;w; most of the bad things seem to radiate from the boob weight. my knees might be another story.

im lucky that where i live breast reductions are free if they're considered medically necessary, and im lucky that my doctor recommended i get one instead of just telling me to lose weight (theyre so disproportionately large that i can’t imagine it would help, plus i like my body size and hate diet culture and medical fatphobia) by god am i chopping these things off of me asap. ive got surgery vaguely in the fall (still need a confirm call from the surgeon)  so everyone wish me luck lol

[iftadwascool]

no one cares

so i was at the hospital, again, from the 1/6 to 1/13. luckily it wasnt as bad this time. i mean it still sucked balls, but i went early enough that i wasnt knocking on deaths door like last time. if anything me going in so early made this visit a lot easier on my body in the long run. especially when i was recovering the last few days before coming home.

it was for the same thing as last time, only this time its DEFO NOT CANCER!! so, yay.

guys i had so many tests run on me. like i had to put to sleep during one of them. being put to sleep is such a weird thing. they told me to take three deep breaths and after two the next thing i know i'm back in my room. for an other though, i was partially sedated and given a local. i ended up passing out from the pain. poked, proded, and laid in a super awkward position. im still hurting from that one.

anyways, thats where ive been and havent posted anything. for the longest time i just sat in the dark trying to sleep. i didnt even try to watch tv till wednesday, and only then i turned it on because i was forced to sit in a recliner to get out of bed.

[darkvveb]

realities of being mentally and physically ill:

"I'll just lay down for a bit until i feel better." its 11pm and i still havent moved.

my apartment is a disaster, and i mean that in the most literal sense. theres trash everywhere, laundry on the floor, i need to clean the litter box, my sink is full of gross dishes. i cant force myself to do anything about it. sitting in the mess stresses me out and makes me feel sick but i literally cant do it. i feel like a terrible pet owner because i feel like the cats dont have enough room to run around.

i spent over ten minutes the other day curled up under a blanket rocking myself because something triggered my ocd.

i havent showered in a week. when i finally do, i wont shower for another week after that. this has been going on for months.

i forgot to respond to my moms text five days ago. i cant even open it because i feel like its too late now.

there are three bags of trash sitting by my door. i havent taken them to the dumpster for two weeks. i probably wont take them for a while.

the only times that ive eaten a real meal are when ive ordered takeout.

i went to the grocery store last week and got fruit because its my favorite. i didnt wash them that day because i was too tired from going out. i still havent. theyre not any good anymore and need to be thrown out.

i havent brushed my teeth in months. i just cant do it. i feel disgusting. i dont know how to work around this.

ive been living in this apartment for almost two months. im still not unpacked. i dont know if i ever will be.

getting around the house is hard because im in so much pain, but i cant use my wheelchair because theres so much clutter on the floor. i cant clean up the clutter because, you guessed it, im in too much pain.

i just had to quit a job that i absolutely loved because my pain got so bad. i feel awful about leaving but i would have ruined myself by pushing any further.

most of my safe foods are unhealthy. i want to eat better but i cant stand most foods anymore.

im missing most of the skin on my fingers. my fingerprint sensor is struggling to read it.

i have a long list of projects i want to work on. i havent started any of them. i probably never will.

my mother texts me to ask how i am. i tell her im good. next to me, i set my drink down amidst the trash.

i used to be the high school valedictorian. now im a college dropout with a shitty part time job. i feel like my life is falling apart and i dont know if i want to keep it anymore.

every day i lose more of my vision. i dont know how much longer ill be able to drive. once i lose that, ill lose my current job too. i dont know what ill do when this happens.

my knee pain is getting worse. im scared to see a doctor because i worry that ill need surgery. i cant afford surgery. i also cant afford to take time off of work to recover. i put on my knee brace and get dressed for work.

my tics are getting more frequent. theyre happening at work now. nobody has said anything yet. it wont be long until they do.

i spend my days in a haze. i cant remember if that important event happened a day ago or a week ago. i dont know what day it is.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Hello! Big fan of all ur long essay posts. Please never hold back keep them coming. Also do u think we will get sonething from jimin's bday? Bcoz we never had a live on his bday and we havent gotten a bb yet but we have already got jin's bday vlive which is in december. So is it possible we wont get anything for jimin's bday last year. Its understandable since it was 2 days after ON:E concert and they were all possibly tired.

Thank you for your kind words and for sending in this ask. Sorry it took us so long to get around to answering it!

Seeing as it took a little over a month for us to get Seokjin’s birthday Bangtan B*mb, though we did get a vlive the day of his birthday, I’d say it is fairly clear we won’t be getting anything from Jimin’s birthday. It’s been more than three months already, after all. And I think you’re probably right in that we had MOTS ON:E on the 10th and 11th while Jimin’s birthday is on the 13th, so chances are that the members might’ve gotten a few days off, or had a few days with very loose schedules, to recover and recharge after those two days of back to back concerts.

In the past having two concerts and then a full week of schedules and traveling before the next two wasn’t “that big of a deal”, simply because they got used to that schedule and it spanned a much longer time period, but in these times of the pandemic, that time of getting used to things, building up the stamina and energy for back to back concerts just wasn’t there. They did an outstanding job on both concert days, giving their all in every minute and during every step, so it’s only natural that they needed to rest thereafter.

During In The SOOP while Namjoon sat with Hoseok around the fire at night he said himself that their schedule feels the way it should when they are forty and not where they are in their career right now, that everything is so much more relaxed as compared to an average year for them.

With all that in mind, I’d say that the tradition of a birthday cake and the accompanying Bangtan B*mb, or some video on twitter, simply was omitted. Which isn’t to say that the members didn’t celebrate his birthday or any of that, I’m sure they did, I just mean that they didn’t do anything specifically designed for us. And that’s okay. Most of the members still posted something on twitter for Jimin (where I think it’s important to keep in mind that those posts are also more for us than they really are for each member seeing as they can just wish each other a happy birthday etc. in person or via the phone or even both, no need for public declarations, but it’s a tradition by now that they, for the most part, diligently uphold) and Tae hid his birthday message inside the Exhibition that opened on the day of Jimin’s birthday, something I’ve curiously only seen vminnies talk about while everyone else seemingly didn’t notice it or ignored it on purpose.

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

@taiqrowweek

SINCE ALL THE FICS ARE SAD im going to go ahead and make a happy one. (Well... its bullet notes so maybe more of a fic outline?). Can be consider as Free Day or AU Day since its canon divergence

Ive been dying to see a Tai comes to Atlas fic so im making this one a reunion in Atlas fic

Qrow isnt in Atlas when Tai arrives. Hes out on a Amity Tower mission with Clover

Qrow and Clover are actually in the middle of flirting with each other when Qrow gets the call

Its Ruby and shes talking so fast Qrow cant understand a single thing. "Woah Ruby slow down. Whats going on" theres a deep gasping breath and then "DAD IS HERE. DAD IS IN ATLAS"

Qrow is stunned. Tai made it to Atlas?

Clover is thinking about how on Earth he could of gotten into the Kingdom.

Qrow finds out through Yang (she had to take Ruby's phone away since she wouldnt stop screaming) that the girls are waiting for Tai since Ironwood is having Winter personally escort him (Qrow figures that either he got arrested on arrival like they did or that Ironwood wants to know everything Tai knows about Salem despite being removed from the situation since STRQ fell apart)

Clover notifies him that they wont be able to get back to the city for another three hours, and then Qrow tells the girls, who are disappointed but tell him theyll "let Dad know when he gets here"

Most of the way back Clover is trying to get information out of Qrow about what Tai is like. Its both friendly small talk and adding to what Clover knows about this group of children + Qrow. The group is part of Ironwood's inner circle now which makes them important

Qrow briefly wonders how his reception will be. These days hes always the one coming to see Tai, and its 50-50 on if Tai's happy to see Qrow. Qrow considers running away from the encounter entirely but hes trying to be a better man now and that means sobriety and facing his problems. Besides he'll have to see Tai eventually

So lets backtrack a bit. Tai and Qrow used to be a thing wayyyy back in the day. Defining their romantic relationship is complicated. They tried dating before Tai ever got with Raven and it only lasted a few days because they realized the attraction was just sexual so they went back to being teammates who makeout when theyre drunk (thats how they decided to start dating in the first place). So through the early years they were Friends With Benefits. After the dark years of Raven and Summer they became Friends With Benefits That Only Get Together When Theyre Feeling Heartbroken. Its sad sex and half the time one of them is crying. Their friendship is good while the the girls are young. They disagree on a lot of things when it comes to the girls as they get older. That animosity plus arguments about Qrow's  espionage job plus Qrow's worsening alcoholism are the reason theyve drifted far apart today. Theyve still been through so much together so that history and Qrow's dedication to being a uncle are the only things holding their friendship together.

So anyways lets get to the good stuff. The reunion:

Tai is actually waiting for Qrow at the garage

The girls are with him because they missed him. Ruby has her arms around him while talking and Yang is standing besides them smiling

Qrow gets a little scared. The fact Tai is waiting for him doesnt bode well. Him and Tai try to have their disagreements when the girls arent present. Qrow thinks its fair to assume that Tai is so absolutely pissed at him that he cannot wait another moment to yell at him. Clover goes "i guess you wont have to hunt him down after all. He mustve really missed you all" and Qrow really hopes thats the reason

Qrow decides to break the ice before it forms by insulting Tai as he's getting out of the truck

"Two and a half continents away and i still cant escape the sight that is your hideous cargo pants" "says the man who's idea of fashion is a 25 year old ripped cape"

As soon as Qrow gets close enough Tai puts his hands on his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and yells "YOU GOT POISONED"

Turns out Tai was just worried about him after Ruby explained what happened on her trek through Mistral

After answering his questions they hug and its the kind of hug where you sway a little bit

For the next few hours Tai yells at Ruby for running away, Tai yells at Qrow for going sober and not telling him, and Qrow goes with Tai to meet Ironwood (and stop Ironwood from asking too many questions. Hes actually soley focused on Salem and he doesnt even ask Tai how he got through his military blockade)

That night in Qrow's room Tai explains to Qrow how he got there. He lied to the girls. Made up some story that had plenty of holes in it. It was Raven. She opened her portal to Yang as far away as she could and Tai landed there. She had come to him after Haven, told him a few things but clearly left most of it out. Tai managed to get her to promise to take him to the group whenever they got to Atlas and had adjusted.

He came for two reasons. 1) to see exactly how close his children were to Salem. 2) to see if he could protect his kids any way he could, knowing they wouldnt back out now. But the reason he was telling Qrow all this (instead of sticking to his if-it-involved-Raven-i-dont-talk-about-it mentality) was because of one of the few things she mentioned about Haven: the disowning.

Tai wanted him to know that despite all their problems that Qrow was still his family. Not because Raven is still legally married to Tai, not because hes Yang's blood uncle, but because Qrow has been apart of Tai's life and chosen family as far back as STRQ.

Qrow's felt like a outsider to Tai ever since (and every time) things got serious with whoever Tai's dating. Qrow felt like a third wheel when Tai was with Raven, and Qrow was to raw from the increasingly strained relationship with Raven to let go of Summer and Tai when they got together. And ever since Qrow has felt like he was there in Tai's life but no longer apart of it. Even after Tai recovered from his depression, Qrow felt like a visitor in the house he still considers his home despite being called "uncle".

And Tai knows Qrow broke ties with Tribe soon after Beacon, and Raven hadnt truely been his sister in 20 years, but to have what you known from literal birth taken from you still hurt. And now Tai knows Qrow isnt drinking so the only way he can cope is by not thinking about it.

So Tai had to tell Qrow what he meant to him

And when he found out about Tyrian he realized Qrow couldve died not knowing Tai still loves him

Tai ends up ranting about all the things he loves about Qrow, about how he regrets that almost every word said to Qrow in the last 15 years has been unkind

Qrow is now confused to if this is a fixing my mistakes kind of thing or a love confession

So he asks

And Tai gets a little sheepish because it was a fixing my mistakes because i love you thing but a little past halfway into his rant he realized hes IN love with Qrow and has been for a while now

And Qrow decides f it. Tai is doing his embarrassed thing Qrow still finds cute even now when theyre middle aged adults getting their first gray hairs. So Qrow gets up from the cheap academy table theyre sitting at and kisses Tai

"After the world stops ending do you wanna try that dating thing again?" "You think we'll make it past one week this time?" "I actually meant since you havent gone on a date in about 15 years." "Oh. Well im pretty sure you havent been on a proper date since Beacon" "Are you gonna take me on a proper date then?" "Yeah"