may-bee-its-just-me - Tumblr blog

may-bee-its-just-me · 28 days ago

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Recovery ; 4 years later.

I've been debating whether or not to post about this for the last few days. I wasn't sure if this would be too trauma-dumpy, oversharing, etc. But I've decided to write this up anyway, in the off chance that this could help someone out there - Besides, this is something I have posted about before on other platforms, and personal thought dumps aren't anything this blog hasn't seen before.

That being said;

Content warning for graphic discussions of my experience with SH/Suicide, toxic home life, and other heavy topics.

When I was a kid, there was a lot of tension in the home. My parents didn't get along - They didn't spend time together, they didn't agree on many topics, and as I got older their arguments (screaming matches) multiplied until the night they split. My parents also made mistakes in parenting me that they've since gone on to regret and apologize for, and while I have forgiven them, it's still had a lasting impact on how my brain functions - When I was little, I was often punished for playing too loudly after being told to quiet down (I still struggle with volume control). I was told off for crying while being punished (spanked, then put in time-out) or being yelled at and on occasion given empty threats ("I'll give you something to cry about"). I was yelled and cussed at over not understanding school assignments (Online/Home schooled), and my parents were especially impatient with me before I hit puberty. While this did calm down to a degree by the time I hit my teens, the damage had been done.

I also grew up watching my parents struggle to make ends meet and there was always some kind of talk of money being an issue. Asking for different food, or anything extra, was often a sensitive subject. Needing new clothes every season, while provided on request, was still something that was expressed to me as inconvenient (even if unintentionally so).

By the time I was 12-14, I started to really feel the weight of our financial situation and the conflict between my parents. It seemed that every day I was becoming more and more aware of my situation, and though I tried to mediate my parents' arguments from time to time, it seemed everything I did only made things worse. For as long as I can remember, I've dealt with anxiety issues - And my anxiety in this time doubled. I started to fall behind in school, skipping classes and leaving all my assignments to the very last minute, because the only way I knew to cope with my situation was to indulge in escapism; Dissociating for hours upon hours a day, spending time in my fictional stories and detaching myself from my surroundings.

But ignoring your problems doesn't make them go away. It was then when I started having emotional outbursts from bottling everything up until I exploded onto those around me. Of course, these outbursts were not well received and so while I was trying to "fix" my family, I was also adding to the conflict. Already overwhelmed, scared, and confused, the outbursts that spawned more arguments, drove a wedge between me and the rest of my family and left me feeling even more alone.

At 12-14, I quickly became attached to my friends as found-family, only to find more dysfunction in those attachments. Namely - My best friend who'd become my main light in the day, was dealing with her own family conflict and would disappear for months at a time, come back for a short bit, before being pulled away again. My other friends fell away as groups dissolved or we fell out of touch, I'd been left with a few very come and go friends, and my home life was still falling apart.

I was incredibly lonely, and turned to social media (DeviantArt lol) to cope, vent my frustrations, and find some kind of community. It wasn't very affective.

By 14-15, I'd been deep in my depression and anxiety for a while. I wasn't taking care of my hygiene. I'd started to use items at my disposal to...Find some kind of external relief from my pain. Nothing I used was ever good enough, I tried hard to break skin but they were always too dull. But that didn't stop me from trying and continuing to turn to unhealthy means of releasing my tension. I felt like a burden on my family, a stain on the world. I felt like my family would be happier if I'd disappeared - That, after the funeral cost, I would no longer be a financial burden on my parents. I wouldn't have to worry about my schoolwork anymore, or my parents' arguing. I wouldn't have to deal with constantly feeling on edge or empty.

But I knew I had too many loose ends to tie, and not enough energy. So I kept pushing.

June 25-26th, 2020; At 15, My parents finally split after years of tension. My mom had enough, kicked my father out, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off of the home. We could breathe again. We could go do things now (my father took the car most days to work, mom kept the car when he left). I didn't feel like I needed to come between them anymore...But my role in the incident changed my dynamic in the family.

That summer, my mom began telling me secrets she'd been holding onto about my dad and her relationship. She confided in me about how he was with my eldest brother before he moved to live with his mom at 8yrs old, confided in me about how he treated her, etc. She would later go on to confide in me friend drama, even going as far as to ask me for advice, when she started going out more and forming her own friend groups in the area. There was still pressure on me to perform a more adult role, while I was still struggling to keep up in school, my outbursts, and fighting for more control over myself and my surroundings.

But with things generally being better, my outbursts grew further apart. For the first time in years, I felt somewhat okay. And then the school year started and I fell behind again. I was doing better-ish, being able to find joy in one of my classes because of a teacher who was both fun and encouraging. So for the first time in a while, I wanted to show my teacher I cared to keep up in their class. I was still deep in my depression, but for a quarter I managed to do every assignment on time. I wanted to make her proud, but as the seasons changed I found it harder and harder to keep up and I fell behind again.

And when I fell behind, I fell behind HARD. Everything snowballed so quickly and I knew it was my fault, but I was so overwhelmed, disappointed in myself, and dealing with relapse on my issues again. The intrusive suicidal thoughts I'd been having for a while beforehand grew stronger again, and I stopped trying. I gave up with schoolwork, only doing enough to not have my favorite teacher resent me (in my imagination, dont think she actually would have now). I spent my fall break starting to plan logistics out for offing myself - Started drafting notes, only to realize that I had too many people to write to and that I needed more time to tie up my loose ends; Apologies to everyone I'd burdened, my goodbyes, and notes about what I wanted done with my stuff (the idea was to prevent more conflict between family members - younger brothers - about my old toys).

So I continued pushing on. And "pushing on" looked like falling back into deep escapism, SH and letting my school work pile on until last minute. By my winter holiday break, I had upwards of 20-60 assignments (I forget exact number, a variety of small assignments and larger projects) and instead of spending winter break catching up or enjoying time with family - I spent my daytimes putting a mask on and escaping into my head, and my nights continuing work on my plan. Testing different methods, continuing to write, and trying to hide all of it from my family, my therapist, and friends. I had initially planned to off myself on the last day of winter break. But one thing nagged at me.

I did not want to be a permanent mark on the holidays for my family.

I could not bring myself to be a perpetual burden like that, and so I kept pushing on for a little while. But because I'd been preparing to let go, my school work piled up so high there was no getting through it all and the inevitable conflict from it looming over my shoulder, I had to follow through. I decided I'd do it on January 25th, 2021 - The last day of the marking period. Two and a half weeks before my 16th birthday.

I spent the next month in a blur, escaping myself and feeling the weight of my loneliness until out of no where I felt compelled to join a discord server of someone I admired on youtube. Literal two weeks before my expiration date, I joined the discord server and almost immediately found myself in VC talking to people that would quickly become close friends. We had all joined at relatively the same time frame, and they brought joy into my life that I hadn't felt in a long time. And they, without realizing it, brought me out of a darkness they knew nothing about. A darkness I'd been consumed by for a few years at that point, and this gave me just enough motivation to keep pushing through and continue trying to catch up in school.

And I did, I somehow managed to get through just enough of my school assignments to pass the semester. The night of January 25th, I laid in bed and turned away from the plans I'd been building up to that point. The next morning was surreal - To be on the other side of the day I'd decided would've been my last. The whole day felt like I was dreaming. I didn't feel real, and I definitely didn't feel good, but the decision to stay felt right. I wouldn't tell anyone about the plans until around my birthday when I confessed to my new friends what I'd been going through, and thanked them for being there. And it was from that point where I told myself I wasn't allowed to go back - That now that I'd been here past my expiration date, I HAD to keep going. I didn't have a choice - I'd been fighting for this long, I had no other choice but to keep fighting or else it would have been for nothing.

. . .

And now, 4 years later, I've been reflecting on this journey - as I do every year around this anniversary. I don't think it was coincidence that I met those friends when I did. They taught me a lot about myself and about boundaries up till the day that I knew I had to let them go. I don't think it was for nothing that I experienced everything I did, because every little step brought me to where I am today and taught me both how imperfect other people and relationships are, and how imperfect I am. Everything I went through allowed me to be there better for the friends that came and went, allowed me to help them in the season of life I was meant to be with them through. Everything I went through led me to getting my first job after school, and meeting someone who would go on to help bridge the gap between where my best friend started introducing me to God, to me finally accepting Him and now learning more about who He is and growing in Him.

Does this mean everything is pleasant to look back on and that I've fully healed from my trauma?? Absolutely not, there's always going to be more work to do in regards to piecing myself back together. But it's been this journey that's encouraged me to keep pushing through and keep looking for the light in the darkness - And to do what I can to be a light in others' darkness.

Though I still struggling with depression and anxiety, I know I will NEVER again be alone through it, and I know that no matter what happens - I will be okay. There will be better days.

Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far. I know this is long, it's ramble-y to a degree, bordering on (crossing over into) Trauma dumping but I hope that to someone this could be encouraging or in any way helpful. You are here for a reason, and for as long as you're still walking the earth, you're meant to be here.

God bless;

-Mod Bee 🐝

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may-bee-its-just-me · 1 month ago

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[COMMISSIONS OPEN]

!!Emergency!!

But also, no pressure! - A friend from work and his mom are having a hard time keeping a roof over their heads. They have have opened a GoFundMe, however sharing this link would doxx both him and myself. So, I've decided to open commissions to raise some money to help them out :]

Disclaimer; Due to my tight schedule, I will not be able to fulfill commissions as quickly as I have in the past. And, because of the sensitive time frame of this fundraising, I have not been able to make a fancy commission info sheet(s) like last time, so we're doing this old fashioned text; Apologies for the long read in advance. For more information about expected timeframe to receive your commission, please read through to the bottom.

What do you charge?

Headshot/Icon (from collarbone area and up): $25 USD Flat color, $45 USD Full shaded

Half body (from the waist up): $50 USD flat color, $75 USD Full shaded - Not available for ponies

Full body: $75 USD flat color, $100 USD Full shaded

Additional characters can be added for additional 75% of the original single character cost. (Example; 2 characters in a pic fully shaded will be $100 for one, and $75 for the other making the total price $175)

May charge extra for complex or busy designs that take longer to draw :(

Simple backgrounds (color, pattern, shapes) are no added cost, however Full background requests will be an additional $15 USD.

I do take style requests, but only with the understanding that I might not copy the style 100%

If you want something done but is not listed (Like turning a human character into a pony, a pony into a doll, character redesign, etc.) feel free to still contact me and we can discuss the logistics of fulfilling such commission!

I do not issue refunds

Commission Boundaries:

Will do:

Humans

Ponies

Fan art or OC

Context dependent:

Turning real people into styled portraits

Anthro (Its not my strong suit, but I can do some)

Special commission requests not listed

Hard No:

Heavy gore (a little blood or bruising is fine, but beyond that is forbidden)

Anything sexual or related to kink/fetish, nudity, lewd, or otherwise NSFW

I do not do realism, though I doubt anyone stumbling to my page will ask for that.

Anything that promotes a hateful message.

Money will be asked for UPFRONT - I know some will be sketched out by this. Please rest assured, I am not a con artist - only a broke artist trying to help another broke service worker out.

Money will be sent through CashApp - No clue if it's weird for online commissions to use CashApp, but it's what I'm used to and I will not be accepting other payment types. I will send my cash tag when it comes time to pay up.

If you want to post commissioned work from me on this platform or elsewhere, I only ask that you credit back to this tumblr blog and provide link where possible (I know some apps don't allow links though.)

For tax reasons, I will be putting a cap on raised money at $400 - All money will be going towards helping my Coworker/Friend out. If you'd like to see proof of your money going toward his fundraiser I can provide screenshots with censored personal information. I will be allowing commission slots until that $400 is as close to maxxed out as I can get it, starting at 4 commission slots and will provide updates if I can open any additional slots.

Slot 1: [OPEN] Slot 2: [OPEN] Slot 3: [OPEN] Slot 4: [OPEN]

I will be sharing blog names of those who are booking their commission slot, as well as posting finished commissions here on my artist blog - UNLESS otherwise requested. You may ask to stay anonymous and/or not have your finished commission posted on Tumblr/Discord, or anywhere else public.

Time frame expectations:

In the past I have been able to do commissions within a few weeks of receiving the DM regarding it - I will not be able to work that quickly this time. Due to a large project I'm preoccupied with until the end February, I will not be starting on these commissions until the beginning of March. Despite the delay on starting the art, I will ask that payment be sent ahead of time, with the trust in me that I will fulfill your order when March comes around. Pinkie promise!

I will work in order of when I received Payment, and thus as your name is numbered in the Slot list. I will work on them (ideally) one or two at a time. I do not do commissions with due dates unless the due date is far out. This will likely take several weeks before I finish the last commission, but I will do what I can to fulfill each one in a timely manner and communicate progress as we go forth with the creative process.

I will send you a message when starting the drawing, as well as sending progress pics after rough sketch, line work, and after flat colors. I can also provide additional progress pics upon request within reason. I only ask for patience and understanding of my circumstances, and a willingness to communicate back and forth through the process. :]

If for any reason you do not want me to message you with progress updates, please let me know.

All that being said, you can contact me through DMs to place an order and I will work with you from there.

Thank you for any and all contributions to this fundraiser! Reminder that there is no pressure to donate at all, I just know I've been asked about commissions lately and this is the least I could do to help a friend out. ^^

-Mod Bee 🐝

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may-bee-its-just-me · 1 month ago

Text

[COMMISSIONS OPEN]

!!Emergency!!

What do you charge?

Headshot/Icon (from collarbone area and up): $25 USD Flat color, $45 USD Full shaded

Half body (from the waist up): $50 USD flat color, $75 USD Full shaded - Not available for ponies

Full body: $75 USD flat color, $100 USD Full shaded

May charge extra for complex or busy designs that take longer to draw :(

Simple backgrounds (color, pattern, shapes) are no added cost, however Full background requests will be an additional $15 USD.

I do take style requests, but only with the understanding that I might not copy the style 100%

I do not issue refunds

Commission Boundaries:

Will do:

Humans

Ponies

Fan art or OC

Context dependent:

Turning real people into styled portraits

Anthro (Its not my strong suit, but I can do some)

Special commission requests not listed

Hard No:

Heavy gore (a little blood or bruising is fine, but beyond that is forbidden)

Anything sexual or related to kink/fetish, nudity, lewd, or otherwise NSFW

I do not do realism, though I doubt anyone stumbling to my page will ask for that.

Anything that promotes a hateful message.

Money will be asked for UPFRONT - I know some will be sketched out by this. Please rest assured, I am not a con artist - only a broke artist trying to help another broke service worker out.

Slot 1: [OPEN] Slot 2: [OPEN] Slot 3: [OPEN] Slot 4: [OPEN]

Time frame expectations:

If for any reason you do not want me to message you with progress updates, please let me know.

All that being said, you can contact me through DMs to place an order and I will work with you from there.

-Mod Bee 🐝

#commissions open #art commissions #furry commissions #emergency commissions #commission sheet #open commissions #art commission #commission art #art commisions #pony commission #oc

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may-bee-its-just-me · 1 month ago

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update!!

Heat is back on baby! Mom was able to replace the furnace, using prior mentioned "will still need later" money and had it express delivered, but its replaced nonetheless! Great timing because yesterday we got a lot of snow, and all of today, temps were in the teens and tweens outside all day (in single digits in evening, -1 as im writing this at midnight woo!).

Woke up this morning to a frigid home, having to get out my warm blankets and step into the unforgiving 50ish (probably, dont have a way to measure exact in my room) degrees, then out of my piping hot shower with wet hair into, again, 50ish degreees. Then got to come home to wARM TOASTY GOODNESS, LETS GOOO

i have never been more thankful to have household heating.

Mmm i *love* winter but...

Welcome to another life update woah...really just more of a minor vent about current situation. :]

...Sooo my house's furnace crapped out on us shortly before christmaaaas...and we haven't had heat since. My mom hired an older guy to come fix it a few days after christmas - he tried, it worked for a (singular) day and then crapped out again. .-. FIrst because my mom doesnt technically have the money to replace the furnace - Second, after my mom decided to use money she'll need very soon for the heat, we found out he's gotten sick. Like, cold/flu type sick but because he's elderly, he may have to get some extra help for it and will definitely need a good bit of recovery time before he can even come back to take another look (and subsequently order the part/parts/whole ass furnace needed so we can wait another weekish for it to arrive).

so basically

im not gonna have heat in home for another few weeks, probably.

in the middle of winter....in Northeastern US...and the kicker? the first night without heat was THE coldest day/night of the season so far in my state (to my knowledge), and we have since had multiple snowy days (not horribly, thank God. Only one day was bad enough i almost couldnt go to work) and most days have been sub freezing temps through the daytime. Thankfully, our home is not THAT cold, but we needed to get a space heater for the living room where our rabbits are to keep it from getting too cold for them there.

Thankfully also, my one brother already had a heated blanket, i have a heated pad (that i had abandoned until this incident and had not yet discared), and my little brother can sleep on the couch with the space heater. Its not much, its still uncomfortably cold ,but we are able to make-do for the time being.

It just makes focusing on much of anything difficult to keep up with ^^; and also makes staying asleep through the night hard. My heating pad shuts itself off after 2 hrs, so eventually that nice toasty goodness on my chest or legs fades into the unforgiving cold of "frick you for trying to be comfortable" so i keep waking up every couple of hours to turn the pad back on. I'll be in a pinch if this pad breaks from overuse or if i break it while asleep with it :']

Speaking of sleep though...

After seeing a video from a girl in TN i'd been watching clean her family's home and trying to make it liveable, share videos of her house having burned down completely after a leak caused an electrical fire - and after seeing news of the wildfires in CA;

I had a dream last night that while i was out with my family having a grand ol time (and feeling anxious over something i couldnt place), we came home in the evening to see the upper floor of the house in flames. .-. Which had me waking up both upset from watching my childhood home (and all my art history in it) burn with no funds to start over, and also paranoid that my house too might have a ticking time bomb problem.

So this, and other reasons, make sleep REALLY not my friend the last few weeks.

I dont know if i mentioned it here before, but im also 99% sure i have a condition called Reynaud's Syndrome because 1. My mom has it, 2. its hereditary, and 3. her symptoms for it line up with mine (she thought i was also officially diagnosed, but i looked at my records and i dont think so unless im looking in the wrong place). Regardless of diagnosis - My hands and feet are sensitive to temperature extremes, particularly cold, and this has caused extra stiffness in my fingers, pain in my hands at times unrelated to or exaggerating my other pain issues, and also has my digits lookin kinda zombie-ish at times (reynauds causes discoloration at times). Thankfully, I'm also not in a flare up for my reynauds, which has happened while at work before this, so my experience typically is mild and has been through this ordeal. I do experience worse symptoms while working and being exposed to the outside cold and wind in bits, then returning to room temp/warmer air and having the flip flop cause weirder symptoms, all of which are a side tangent.

I'm mostly doing fine otherwise tho

My boyfriend-not boyfriend (the boyfriend that broke up with me ish but we've still been friends and clearly were still interested and didnt really want to split) took me back up as his on new years, making a childhood dream come true (I had my first new years kiss tee hee). I'm also working on a project that may or may not be finished in time to submit it to a contest. I did actually buy a car a (few?) month(s?) ago now, i think i said that here before. Trying not to succumb to the feeling that I'll be stuck in a never ending cycle of everything more personal going on that i will not be traumadumping here while also preparing to celebrate and reflect on 4 years post choosing life over death very shortly (Yay me).

I've been learning to not care as much about the opinions of those around me. I've also been learning to get back in touch with my inner child because dammit she deserves a chance to live and breathe. I'm learning that writing poetry is something I want to explore more, and I'm learning that I actually do like drawing myself and I like to explore personal themes and inner struggles through drawing myself in new inventive ways (and making an experimental drawing out of it). I'm learning to be comfortable in my changing body while still understanding that some of my habits are unhealthy and, when I have the control to do so, should be altered. I'm learning to give myself grace, and through giving myself grace and room to breathe, its easier to do so for others.

Lots of good stuff with the bad ^^

but im gonna end my ramble here

Update's over, goodnight, everybody go home.

-Bee

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may-bee-its-just-me · 2 months ago

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Mmm i *love* winter but...

Welcome to another life update woah...really just more of a minor vent about current situation. :]

so basically

im not gonna have heat in home for another few weeks, probably.

Speaking of sleep though...

So this, and other reasons, make sleep REALLY not my friend the last few weeks.

I'm mostly doing fine otherwise tho

Lots of good stuff with the bad ^^

but im gonna end my ramble here

Update's over, goodnight, everybody go home.

-Bee

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may-bee-its-just-me · 2 months ago

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I love my bf <3

i was thinking about starting a series of taking things my bf says out of context but while looking for sus phrases to take out of context i was scrolling thru our texts and he's so damn sweet??

most of the jokes and out of pocketness happens irl, and upon second thought - Even though context would have been provided at the end, I'd much rather openly admire my doofball.

Like how he brings veggies to munch on with his crew meal at work, and he usually has offered me a few pieces of veggies - Recently I've started actually accepting the offer more consistently and I low-key noticed him bringing more with him, and then he would leave whatever he didn't eat with my stuff. He even offered one morning to bring me my own bag of veggies. Not only that, but while he loves to eat the leafy part of celery, he remembered that when I tried it I didn't like it, and purposefully left those parts out of my bag. ^^

He frequently gives me lil massages on the neck/shoulders when we're hanging out, or as a grounding/comfort method at work when my issues are flaring up. Its a major way he shows affection, and he knows that my shoulders/neck in particular need some help relaxing. Speaking of my issues, despite dealing with his own pains and physical limitations; He always keeps an eye out for mine and tries to help me through it when he can, and comfort me when he can't.

He's very mindful of even my smaller triggers, and makes a point to reassure me even when i might not really need it. Example; He doesnt reply to a text for a little bit, for whatever reason, and he'll reply apologizing and explaining why it took so long. (I have told him that he doesnt need to worry about it, but he still provides that reassurance anyway ^^) Another example; We're working in kitchen, chatting it up with some other coworkers when one makes a teasing joke to me and, feeling mildly triggered, I go quiet (both to not respond overly defensive/emotionally, and out of now feeling othered from the group because the joke didn't immediately register as a joke). It doesnt take long before he gives me concerned looks, and then at the soonest opportunity, he'll come over and check on me quietly. 😩makes me mElt

He's recently asked me to log my food cravings and/or what I eat through the month, specifically so that he can better figure out food date stuff and how that may or may not correlate with my cycle. I have a hard time remembering these kinds of details, and if the log is detailed enough, not only will it help him help his indecisive gf - But it may actually help me better track my PMS and have common cravings ready. Either that or it will just show how horribly I can hyperfixate on foods lol He also just generally likes the idea of logging my mood and symptoms through the month for similar "i want to know how your support needs from me might change depending on your hormones" reasons. (nerd <3)

He bought me chapstick a few days after I had offhandedly told him i lost mine, and also that I liked the one he uses after needing to borrow it. Bro was paying attention :'}

Also, last thing bc this is getting long: Every night, he reminds me not to go to bed horribly late. Does this always help? No (its 12:20am at time of posting oops), but it does help sometimes and there's a noticeable difference in me remembering not to stay up till 3am when he does not remind me... There have also been nights where he stayed up to make sure I actually stopped doomscrolling on Insta before he went to bed himself... Instagram keeps ratting me/us out with the little green circle status. He will also guilt trip me (/j) when Instagram says I was online insanely late, tho sometimes it isnt 100% accurate (like...he wakes up at 7-8AM and it tells him "last online 4 hrs ago" but i could have sworn I didnt pick instagram up past 12am)

I love him so much and he takes care of me and makes me feel very mushy on the inside. The end, thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

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