#its because im not mentally ill all the time. shocker

[gettinby]

peyton going thru another rework ? ur goddamn right

[shiraoyagi]

Another thing about the difference in fandom attitudes with Danganronpa and Project Sekai, DGRP had its massive popularity with teenagers years ago and everyone still in the fandom has either matured, grown out of it, or left entirely. PRSK is still extremely popular with the types of teens that would get pressed over a horny post about a fictional 18yo.

this is also true

although i do think people who immediately jump to hornypost about a fictional high schooler are still weird, particularly if they're significantly older than that character. like why did u look at this girl existing in high school while at the age of like 30 and go "hm yes. sex" .. sure yeah, they're not real, but personally, it gives me the ick !!! (im also aspec, so i've never been able to understand the concept of people being attracted to fictional characters anyways...)

but on the other hand, i think this fandom treats the prsk ocs like they're 13 rather than like... the young adults that they are.

like yeah, they know what sex and drugs are Shocker (we have NUMEROUS covers about the aforementioned topics as is), but it's like ONE person drew emu vaping for sillies this one time on twitter, and they got blasted with hate??? like ohhh my god!!! Who Cares!!! it was literally something they drew for fun, not because they endorsed vaping???

it also just completely closes the discussion of any taboo topic in fanworks that is not mental illness because those are somehow more "palatable" than all the others... im not saying to glorify these topics or sexualize these characters, of course; but rather i think there's a lot of potential in plot points that can come up from these topics that people can incorporate in their works.

for example, in airi2, there's a line that has been misinterpreted (?) as airi being verbally sexually harassed by some fans. i think it would be nice to have some works that expand on the kind of trauma airi could have with that with her past fans and how she feels about it and now copes with it as a sort of... character study (but with an addendum), but i think someone creating that kind of thing is unlikely because of how quickly people are in this fandom to jump at anything they find uncomfortable irrespective of the context surrounding that thing.

obviously, the ideal version of this fic would be done in a tasteful manner that respects the character of airi momoi, but even at its best i still think there would be people who would treat it like the spawn of satan or whatever just because sexual harassment is an uncomfortable topic

[bubblegumnnebula]

Saying just teenagers feel this way and immediately shutting down any discussion comes of a bit infantilizing. Even so teens are also entitled to opinions. Rape fantasies are normal thats true, but no expert says to actually go out and find someone to roleplay it with or share them on the internet where anyone, including real rapists and creeps can read it and get off on it. Exposure therapy is meant to be done by therapists not your self proclaimed sadistic partner. You can heal from sa without using self harming coping mechs that force you to get turned on instead of triggered by it. and creating dark themes in your work does not indicate your moral but the way you you do it can definitely say something about you. Compare outlast, a disgustingly gorey horror game thats still really good and well done even with its themes of sa, mutilation, mental illness to that one horror game that came out on steam where the entire plotline is just raping women of your choice💀

I like certain dark themes but to be fair the entire market has been saturated with horribly written rape and incest fantasies veiled under dark romance💀 and with the increase in AI porn, even done by young boys of their fellow classmates. Im all for teens stating their discomfort around certain sexual topics.

I really hate to be the one to tell you this, but rape rarely has anything to do with being horny or getting off. Rape is about power, it’s about taking control over someone and taking away someone’s bodily autonomy.

The fact you don’t realize that proves even further that you lot are too immature to be in this conversation.

Even further, I can guarantee with 100% certainty a rapist isn’t going on the internet to read FANFICTION about rape/sa, they’re going out and actually doing it. They’re going into incel forums and talking about someone (most likely a woman) is inferior to them, and how they’ve “gotten out of line” and “needs to remember their place” (again, taking control. Power. Not getting off)

A rapist isn’t going to bother reading or writing a random fanfiction with dark content, they’re going out and actually raping people.

Yeah, you can dislike it, but keep that shit to yourself. Block the tags. I’ve had them blocked for years and completely moved on with my life. What people write in the internet is none of my business (because shocker!! it has no effect on real life people) , and it shouldn’t be any of yours.

Again, there are no victims and no one is being harmed when someone writes a non-consent fanfiction about a random ass fictional character

A lot of woman have rape fantasies, even if they aren’t victims. Spoiler alert: when someone is performing a rape fantasy or writing a non-consent story, the person is STILL VERY MUCH CONSENTING TO BE A PART OF THE SITUATION

The fact you likened AI porn -which someone has lost consent to their bodily autonomy, just like rape- to writing fantasies of fictional scenarios involving fictional people is frankly disgusting and you should be ashamed.

Why the fuck do you care so much about what people are doing in their free time if it isn’t harming anyone. Get a job. Get a hobby. Read a book. Help a child. Pick some flowers.

Better yet, take your unwarranted moralistic outrage and help actual victims. The fact you never mentioned victims or a systemic problem outside of harmless fantasies proves you don’t actually care about victims, you just don’t like dark content because it makes you uncomfortable. Which is fine, but don’t disguise your dislike by saying dark content is morally or ethically wrong when no one is being harmed in the process. Just be uncomfortable, maybe rant about it to a couple of mutuals in DMs, block the tags, and move on.

[angiethewitch]

this is one of the most ridiculous mental health takes ive seen.

removing it as a disorder means demedicalising it. a disorder is something that affects your every day life and impairs the way you think and act. PTSD is a disorder because the symptoms match the description. do not tell me my full body flashbacks, dissociation, extreme anxiety, severe depression, substance abuse issues, panic attacks, phantom pains, suicidal thoughts, self harm, eating disorder, intrusive thoughts, sometimes flashbacks so vivid I literally cannot tell if I am still in that time period and I think im 14 again, inability to sleep without medication, and many more symptoms I cannot think of right now that literally occur on a daily fucking basis, is a normal way to live. natural and valid? of course. that's what I've been learning in therapy, that my brain is simply trying to protect itself.

demedicalising the illness is only gonna harm people because we need medication and treatment, and saying its not a disorder and boiling it down to a coping mechanism is never going to help. the brain literally changes from trauma; your amygdala goes from tiny to swelling up and constantly on red alert. that's a physical change in the brain due to trauma. your brain literally changes. ptsd is the amygdala thinking you're always in danger because you were at one point. taking the term away and saying it isn't a psychiatric condition is unbelievably stupid for a doctor to say and so extremely irresponsible. I would never trust my doctor if they had social media and were spewing this shit on there. it was classed as a disorder for a reason, because PTSD actually changes your cognitive function and how you perceive the world. nobody is saying that it's the fault of the victim or survivor of the trauma, it's recognising it as a medical disorder so those people can fucking get treatment. just saying uwu it's normal and okay <3 is not gonna help me, it's not gonna get me therapy, and any decent doctor of the mind knows that each brain is different and responds a different way.

also? maladaptive coping mechanisms aren't bad, they just need to be addressed IN THERAPY. doing drugs was my maladaptive coping mechanism, and it kept me alive long enough to get therapy. you cannot treat millions of people online through a tweet and it is so irresponsible to say this kind of thing. all this is gonna do is give people who don't know any better reason to carry on with their self destructive behaviour because a doctor online said it was normal and not disordered. I know that because I know full well at 16, 17, even 18 I would have used that excuse to keep harming myself.

and...

shocker.

[xsarcasticwriterx]

Young God-Part 1

Summary: Your power isn't even a power its simply words. You can understand people, get into their head and know them better than anyone all willingly on their end. This made you useful to the avengers when villains came and you could understand and fix them. When this is asked to be done to loki you cant help but fall for the god the more you get to know him.

Pairing: Loki x reader

Warning: Swearing, Loki being loki,angst

Notes: Ok lemme just start of saying loki isn't going to be...nice in the beginning of this i got the idea off of joker and harley quinn's relationship and slightly silence of the lambs so do with that what you will now i adore loki so he won't be a dick the whole time just yea someone getting into loki's head? he isn't too chill with that.

You walked down the stairs leading to the dungeon where the god was locked away ready for you to speak to. you heard the mocking laughs and sarcastic remarks made as you passed the cells.” “hey mortal lemme get a taste” he said thrust to you. you flipped him off not looking at him and passing on by. seeing the god laying on the couch reading a book you walked through the boundaries placed stepping before him. Odin had given you a pill, said it would allow you past the wall of an hour and only you. “hello” he said reading his book still. “apologies for my fellow inmates they can be quiet rude” he said with a small smirk.

“ironic coming from a man with the nickname silver tongue” you said sitting down on a chair in front of him. he placed down his book “oh doll there's more to that nickname” he said with a wink. you simply rolled your eyes in response. you had been told loki was like this. “anyways why are you here” he asked sitting up turning to you “did odin send you to make sure im behaving?” he asked with a snarky tone

You made a mental note of his hatred for odin, though from your interactions with the man you slightly understood that. “i'm here to speak to you” is all you said. loki scoffed “you doll are a horrible liar” he said with a smirk. He stood up and walked around you almost scanning you. “what's the real reason your here?” he asked behind you. “truly i am here to talk to you” you repeated with a straight face and shrug. “then talk” he said bending down right in front of your face. his breath ghosting over your face and his long wavy hair falling in his face. “your a god you live for years on end tell me loki, how old are you?” you asked. loki gave a smile before standing “my age? that's what you came for?” he huffed. “ill answer your questions if you answer mine” he said in return

you turned around facing him “i don't answer questions” you said with a shrug “oh come on doctor i know your other patients didn't just comply with your questioning” he said with a smirk. he was always smiling or smirking, never a true smile something to show planning, no not planning, anger? no not anger. hurt? yes thats it hes hurt and hides it with his devilish smile. to throw you off to push you away. make you fear him over wanting to know him.

Now the new question was how did he know you were a doctor. well you may not be an official doctor but you were one of sorts. You had been in college to get a phycology degree until fury swept you up making you work for him. you tilted your head alarming the god you were lost on his accusation. “oh dear as you said i am a god you don't think i could fall for your tricks and lies like the others did you?” he asked walking to you “doll only i make the tricks here” he said holding your jaw. “now we play by my rules” he said with another smile. “stop” you said. his smile widened “stop smiling” you said. you saw a hint of confusion wash over before it was erased with another smirk “why doll?” he asked. “because its a lie” you said. loki's face became serious “you talk of lies yet you wouldn't tell me why your here” he said walking around the room.

“Fine i'm here to evaluate you” you said simply “now will you answer my questions?” you asked. “I have been just not the ones you want the answer to.” he replied. “agree to my terms and ill be more than willing to answer you” he said with a sarcastic smile “i ask the questions not you” you replied. he shrugged laying back down reading his book again. you only had an hour with him so you had no choice but to comply with his rules or you'll get nowhere but you also didn't want the god to think he could just boss you around and throw a fit.

you shrugged picking up your bag walking out of the room. “1,054″ you said blankly. you turned confused “my age” he said still reading. you nodded walking back in “one question” you said sitting down. he smirked still looking at the book but not reading it “well start simple. name?” he asked. “y/n” you replied. “y/n....mmm now y/n why are you here?” he asked sitting up. “to evalu-” you started to say before he cut you off “why are you here?” he asked “were not doing this loki i said one question” you said standing back up. your hour was almost over. “what happened doctor don't like a taste of your own medicine?” he asked with a dark smile. “why do you do that? smile so much?” you asked. “you tell me you said it was a lie which means you've made your own deductions of it so tell me doc why do i smile so much?” he asked tilting his head.

“to make people uncomfortable. they see you smile this mischievous smile a smile that they expect from the god of mischief. you become what people expect of you so they stay away now why you push people you don't know away i'm not quiet sure on but i assume it has something to do with your spite for odin” you said simply. loki gave a wide smile standing up “well well well doc, you are utterly” he said behind you getting close to your ear “wrong” he said simply straightening backup. “now you well i do have so many things to say about you” he said moving in front of you. “you evaluate people thinking you know everything about them so much more than they know themself, from body language to words to the crime they commited. but i my dear am simply a king who deserved a throne and would fight for it” he said sitting back down “hours up doll better leave before your trapped in here” he said looking at you with another smile. 

Walking back up you felt unnerved. the god had a weird aura to him like he could read your mind. granted he may actually be able to in which case you need to be more careful about such things. you walked to your room feeling empty and drained. you fell back on the bed rubbing your face. the odinsons had given you your own quarters while you stayed there. there was  knock on the door and you groaned “its open” you replied and the door opened revealing yet another god, a kinder one. Thor walked over sitting next to you “how was loki?” he asked. “loki was....exactly how yall described him” you sighed. thor griminced he hoped his brother would behave “did you get anything out of him?” he asked. “just his age which is useless it was more a test to see if he'd comply with me. think he got more out of me than i of him” you said looking up at thor. 

“give him time. my brother can be...difficult but your a legend at this so you should do well it may take longer than usual but you'll get it” thor said cheerfully. you gave a small smile. you wanted to believe that you truly did but honestly you weren't sure. “loki sure is a strange guy” you said sitting up “Well he's not a guy hes a god such as i and he was raised by my mother” he said to you.

“get some rest i bet you'll do much better tomorrow” he said with a smile walking out. you sighed and changed, laying bed you felt sleep take over. 

you stood in a black room seeing your parents smiling faces “mom? dad? you said with a smile. you started to run to them before blood dripped from there eyes and they slowly faded away. you stepped back feeling empty once again. you heard a chuckle and turned seeing loki laugh and roll his eyes before vanishing too

You awoke with a small scream and your heart racing. you were drenched in sweat and tears streamed down your face. once you calmed you growled launching up from bed and walking down to the dungeon storming past the assholes shouting crude things at you. you stood at loki's cell banging on the wall “hey asshole” you said blatantly. “well hello to you too doll isnt this a shocker” he said with another smile god how you wanted to slap that smile off his face “shut up” you said. loki sat up looking at you “well what can i do for you?” he asked. “your not supposed to have you powers in here” you said with a stern face

loki tilted his head in mock confusion “why i don't” he said voice dripping in sarcastic hurt as if offended by such accusations. “don't lie you bastard! You were in my head i know it you know it so let's just both know it” you yelled at him. His smile widened “ok darling but see i do have one question left unanswered. how did your parents die?” he asked stepping to the glass. “they didn't it was simply a nightmare” you groaned. 

“no no see people who dream of the death unprompted feel pain,sadness,fear they try to stop it you well you felt nothing you just...stood there” he said looking down at you. “so how was it they died?” he asked. “if you can get in my head then you sure as shit know” you said looking down at the floor. you really did not want to speak of it.

“of course i do doll but i want to hear you say it” he said leaning on the glass. “i will not play into your game” you said storming off “you still hear it dont you? their screams” he said. “i do” he said after

you turned “pardon?” you asked walking back to him. “have a nice night darling” he said smiling walking back to his couch. “but you said-” you were cut off by the sounds of footsteps “oi you are not to be down here madam” the man said walking to you “oh yes sorry i must have sleep walked” you replied walking upstairs back to your bed.

laying down your head felt as if it was spinning. This was going to be an interesting roller coaster wasn't it.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

[cadreformed]

— PEOPLE I’D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER !

———  BASICS! 

name!     Aloe pronouns!    she/her zodiac sign!      pisces sun(technically im a pisces aries cusp), aquarius moon, saggitarius rising- and thats all I remember! i dislike being a pisces! I am sensitive but dont write me off like stop that horoscope writers there is no romantic encounters in my future. taken or single!    single and fine with that tbh. life will happen eventually and Im just enjoying living right now with my roomie and pets.

———  THREE  FACTS! 

1 i am so distressingly into folklore. i love!! all of it!!!everywhere!! its all amazing!!! and beautiful!!! and i once tried to write a book on it but I got too discouraged because I was weak and like I know this about myself in that I need some support from people in my life (shocker) and everyone I talked to told me it was stupid or a waste of time etc so I got discouraged and quit! I may restart doing it again but with how academia is so gatekeepery I may just make a folklore wordpress blog and leave it at that.

2  i worked as the custodian (only one) for an art museum and the 3 years I worked there I only almost destroyed two (2)  very expensive pieces of art while i was doing maintenance work. One was a tiny statuette and the other was a george washington oil painting I almost took out with a florescent light tube (i fucking hate george washington so that wouldve just been job loss like theres t least 15 paintings of him in that place its not like we would’ve been hurting for one)

3!  i am here to have fun!!! i might have missed tagging something! i dont tag my queue! my navigation? maybe ill get to it? maybe not. who knows! i dont know who proof reading is but I see them in the phonebook from time to time. My drawings are messy my graphics are beginner level and thats okay with me. I like the mess I live in and if it was too organized and neat it just wouldnt be me. i thrive in this flood plane of chaos that I call a blog.  tumblr is here to have fun and like expand your skills sure but dont pressure yourself with being a pro right away. post your new art and graphics! try writing that new muse and fail spectacularly! just have fun!

———  EXPERIENCE! 

platforms used! too many I started writing in like the early 2000s like its been too long like too long. I usually only write on tumblr and plan on keeping it that way.

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE! 

gender! no preference 

least favourite face(s)! KJ Apa, nothing against him personally more so some bad memories attached to his face.(hes a great actor though!!) 

multi or single! : Booooth. My OC gets his own blog because I love him the most. Hes the favorite child (sorry geist and tier!)

fluff / angst / smut! ♡    

fluff:  all fluff all the time like literally always down for fluff. its gotta have some substance sprinkled in there but like all interactions are meaningful tbh. everyday fluff? hell yeah.

angst its gotta be like, a reason for angst. i work in mental health I dont want to come online and answer nothing but angst threads all day!!! give us some reprieve and toss in a different genre or have it be a meaningful experience plz i beg of you

smut :  depends on my muse and if Im in the mood for it (which is very rare ngl)

plot / memes!

both depends on who im writing against. 

 TAGGED BY:  i stole it with my little raccoon hands. TAGGING: anyone who wants to.

[blookmallow]

ok that was mostly really good but what a BULLSHIT ENDING

i WAS going to say this might’ve made me cry if i was in a more emotional state, stories where “the ghost was just Hurt and needed help and needed to be understood” absolutely fucking WRECK me and i was going to say “having a Mother be the one person who figured out what this abused, murdered child wanted, a mother finding her and making a connection with her and bringing her peace, is so good” and i was going to say “noah going from ‘really unpleasant guy i cant be bothered to remember who makes fun of her fears and wont take her seriously’ to ‘absolutely going fucking feral trying to save rachel’s life and going to ANY lengths to get through this together’ is SUCH GREAT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT” but now im just fucking mad lmao

i never really like stories where it’s like.... a child is just Evil for no reason, like for one thing “idk its just evil” is boring (unless its like. disney villain musical number evil then its fun but u know) i dont think a child can be Just Evil, and especially when they set the parallel with the disabled kid like “sometimes your kid’s got Something Wrong With Them but you love them anyway” with “sometimes a kid’s just evil” / the implication that maybe her parents were right to murder her is SO fucked 

they had this beautiful moment of “this isn’t an evil monster, this is a child, this is a little girl who was maybe mentally unwell but that’s not her FAULT, and she was being abused by her father and was murdered by her mother and spent a week dying alone in a well knowing what her mother had done, she wanted to be found, she wanted someone to hear her, she wanted someone to understand her and it took a woman, a mother, to understand that and to FIND her” and then just threw it out for the shock value of “wait nope it’s not over she’s just evil and will keep killing people forever because she wants to spread her suffering to the world” 

i mean. i understand the particular horror in the “the only way to survive is to pass it to someone else” and maybe there’s some kind of “reporter realizes the cost of getting in other peoples’ business and reopening old wounds for the sake of a story; you want to share someone else’s pain, now you have to, now you have to share it with everyone or you’ll fucking die” message here but 

A) horror movies need to fucking realize they DONT HAVE TO HAVE A SHOCKER ENDING/A SAD ENDING ITS OKAY TO LET YOUR PROTAGONISTS SURVIVE ITS OK TO LET THEM HEAL ITS OK TO HAVE A RESOLUTION FOR ONCE HOLY SHIT

and B) that’s not what she was doing?? she mentions maybe doing a story on it but it was never about like, “if i solve this ill be famous/ill get a promotion” whatever she wanted to understand. she wanted to find out what happened. she wanted to protect her child, even if she couldn’t save herself, she wanted to save her son, so her motive was exactly what samara should have wanted, she should have been the perfect person to figure this out, she was trying to uncover the truth behind a child’s abuse and murder to bring that child peace and save her own child in the process 

and there was such potential for samara to communicate with aiden, a kid who’s different too, a kid who expresses in “unusual” ways like her, a kid who also has a rough time with his parents even if his situation isn’t nearly as bad

rachel wasn’t just trying to spread a rumor around, her motives were all in exactly the right place so why is she getting punished for it

or maybe THAT’S the point and it’s a “you tried to do everything right but now you’re being forced to spread evil and suffering anyway, even though that was the last thing you intended” i dont know. its bullshit and im mad but i still liked it up until that point enough to forgive it it was still. really good, despite the Massive Flaws :’| 

i gotta process for a while lmao

and i gotta watch the original to see if that clears anything up

i still dont understand why her parents got so fucked up about her. like. i guess anna kept miscarrying so her husband believed she wasn’t meant to have a child and straight away assumed something was Bad about samara. but why did anna kill her if she wanted her and loved her so much. what had she done at that point that was “bad” 

im guessing it was the weird pictures and stuff, which. ok the fact that they weren’t just weird drawings and were like. x ray things??? was maybe a sign of something supernaturally wrong and not just a kid who needs support for their mental illness But Still 

rachel realized this was just a mentally unwell kid who needed to be listened to finding a way to express herself that her parents decided meant she was evil and needed to die, and she was fucking horrified by that, she as a mother with a kid who is also “”different”” who she would do anything for realizing this child’s mother in the same situation chose to murder her kid

it could have been a powerful message if they hadn’t fucked it up with “lol just kidding she was evil actually” 

im also wondering if the husband maybe did something to his wife that was actively causing her to miscarry?? i dont know if thats a thing that can be done but he said she “wasn’t supposed” to have a child, samara said he loves the horses and not her, it seems like he didn’t want a child in the first place 

and i dont know why they said she was adopted?? i dont know. its 2 AM and now i gotta figure out how to get my brain to stop spinning in circles so i can sleep lmao

[convervative-blog]

so, ptsd is the only dsm v recognized disorder which is classified as a psychiatric injury and not a congenital, inherited expression (ok blah ignoring that of course many things like bpd are now becoming known as typical complex trauma/abuse responses but thats not what this post is about, marsha linehan was robbed i will fight everybody...anyway...)  alot of ppl really seem to misunderstand what ptsd is. it is an injury to our brains, it is a psychiatric injury which clearly and visibly affects our limbic system, our amygdala, our hippocampus. it literally lights up how we process memories events circumstances. it activates our pons, the area in our brainstem responsible for controlling stress, our “lizard brain”, the part of our brain that instinctively knows when shit is wrong and reacts and slams the 10/10 button before u have time to think. the adrenal system, the part that floods ur body with cortisol, adrenaline, endorphins, epinephrine, your muscles tighten, your pupils dilate, you know you can put your fist through something if you have to, you know you can make a run for that closet and hide in it if you have to, you know you gotta do something because shit is going down motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!  ok so like some ppl with ptsd can be violent. we see this in media portrayals of ptsd all the time, the guy had a gun he was in iraq he went crazy. like thats the normal narrative, and ok within our community we really dont want to discuss how this is real and could be real for people. ok of fucking course that narrative is bullshit because most people with mental illness are more likely to be victims of violent crime not perpetrators and we need more positive inclusive healing narratives of ptsd because we want to see representations of ourselves! but this isnt about that because weve seen those posts, weve done the discourse, were doing the discourse, so im gonna talk about something else. something thats gonna piss everybody off so buckle up cowboys yeet haw.  some ppl with ptsd become abusers, thats a fact. because some people cant deal with stress at all, they become hyperreactive and that reaction is fists, yelling, screaming, throwing things, becoming incoherent and nonsensical, etc etc. when your heart reaches 180 bpm (and it does with virtually any indistinguishable environmental or emotional trigger, it absolutely gets that high when your lizard brain takes over), you stop being able to think logically.  part of having ptsd for me was learning that this is me, i dont hit but when little things happen my brain completely sheds the part of my personality that is logical reasonable and calm. my decision-making part, my risk/reward analyzing part, my organizing part. frontal lobe? lol seeya. i immediately become enraged and if i do nothing else ill usually yell/scream at TOP VOLUME and then after about 30 seconds, 60 seconds, when it cools off ill feel bad about it. sometimes when im having a bad day and multiple little things have gone on, ill get progressively worse and storm around swearing and slamming things, simmering, trying trying trying to get it under control, trying to fight through the hormone surge to claw back my reason, my sanity. its something i literally cant control, i have tried my whole life. im not denying responsibility for it of course im responsible for it, but thats reality, its my reality. its my reality that the person i live with has secondary ptsd because of me because of my life because i was a sex trafficking victim from age 8 and i cant deal with dropping a cup of water anymore because of it. my brain is literally damaged, literally, literally, literally.  and i have hurt people because of it. maybe not physically but that doesnt matter. theres a person on this planet who is affected by the things ive done and will always be affected, and there is nothing i can do to fix that, or change it. as long as im alive it will be their reality as my caretaker (because atm im unemployable obviously for those reasons).  and you go to therapy and they say “try writing about your anger,” you know. “try focusing on what makes you angry.” nothing makes me angry its not about that, its not about that at all and it shows a distinct lack of comprehension of what ptsd is. ptsd is your brain being unable to deal with minor, mundane, ordinary stress. and ppl dont grasp what the word stress in neurological contexts means. it means novel, sudden actions. there are even good stressors and bad stressors. sex is a good stressor! lots of action! lots of cognitive shit going on! going on a date, going to a movie, riding a roller coaster, meeting a stranger, being startled accidentally, dropping/breaking things, running out of meds, being late for something. theyre all ordinary things that most ppl can deal with even if its inconvenient. people with ptsd cant. because our brains are conditioned to view every stressor response as a potential trauma.  funny thing is when trauma is actually going down our brains are pretty damn good at entering the fun zone, its that latent logical shit, ya know what i mean. everything gets slow-motion and youre able to shut down your emotions and just act and do the shit that has to be done, just clench up and freeze and let your eyes drift and you’re ready to endure.  when you spend your whole life like that, every little thing becomes something your brain assesses as potentially traumatic, potentially going to harm you, your brain doesn’t know the difference between the telephone ringing unexpectedly or a masked intruder about to rape you. its like the fucking tumblr algorithm. beige tones?????//? ThIs iS nOt My SAfe PLAacE?!!! bam adrenal response. and im not trying to justify abuse, this isnt my attempt to justify it, but it is a real issue that exists for alot of people? probably people who arent involved in our community bc this seems to affect ppl who dont have regular access to online resources proportionately more (there is a link between being well-educated on ptsd and being better able to manage your ptsd, shocker water is wet etc etc, but its not imminently an obvious correlation! i dont hit people or break down the doors specifically because ive devoted my life to learning about and understanding my disorder) but there are people. we dont want to talk about this shit bc its like an open fucking secret, some of us get crazy some of us go fawn-like and become people pleasers, some of us get violent (’violence’ as a word im using to refer to ppl who explode outwardly and impact their environment in some way, not necessarily physical 100% of the time, you dont need to hit someone to be a violent person) anyway just thought id rant about this good luck chiddlers

[foxpunk]

mostly like. venting. cause even just witnessing this shit unfold has me Very shaken and also Angry and i am incapable of talking to anyone i know about this shit cause idk how to seriously talk abt my own trauma 8^) so after posting this i’ll be Off tumblr for a bit probs

dont rblg // interact if u read // trigger warnings: this is about the m*tsk* thing so…csa, sexual assault, abuse, talk of victim blaming and abuse denial

gonna get this out there, but this shit is. so upsetting. not even cause it’s abt m*tsk*, but because as a csa victim, seeing peoples’ reactions to the victim making a post about her abuse is sickening.

like?? this shit?? is not?? discourse??? this not about fucking cancel culture or whatever the fuck!! how fucking?? trivializing and cruel are you people. this is about someone having gone through multiple and extremely traumatizing things as a child at the hands of other people, ONE of whom happens to be a celebrity. this is about a living breathing human being, but it is so fucking transparent that a lot of people on here do not see the victim that way and thus are not treating her with, i dont know, basic fucking human decency.

the fact that people are treating this as just tumblr drama is cruel. the fact that people are immediately going through extreme lengths to pick at everything the op says is cruel. the fact that people are using the victim being mentally ill as an excuse to discredit everything that they say is cruel, ableist, and contributes to the culture that allows for mentally ill people to be systematically swept under the rug and easily preyed on by abusers. the fact that people are saying “its one person with no actual proof!” as their reason for discrediting her, but then go n IMMEDIATELY fucking latch onto ONE ANON claiming they were a “friend” of the victim  (all of which has been proven to be false btw lmaooo) saying the victim suffers from delusions (which is, again, an ableist excuse to discredit her even if it WAS true) is so fucking telling. the fact that people are automatically on the “critical” side and/or outright disbelieving the victim after just two days is inhumane.

plus like?? it is SO OBVIOUS how all these people dont know how repeated childhood abuse fucks with you? i didnt remember what happened to me until i was like 13-15, and i didnt remember it all at once. i STILL cant remember what Exact age it happened at, all i know is i was 6 or under through the whole span of time it was happening. i still dont remember large chunks of my childhood!! trauma does that to you! shocker! our brains dont wanna remember super fucked up shit that happened to us!! who knew!!

its also supper obvious a bunch of these people DONT know SHIT how our justice and judicial system works, or how the fbi operates differently in different circumstances. and also conveniently and suddenly believe in cops (ACAB btw) in these sorts of situations but that is. a WHOLE other fucking knot of emotions in my chest that is only somewhat intertwined with this knot of emotions im letting out rn so im. not fuckin goin there lmao.

anyways if you say you support/believe victims, but don’t support/believe them if they’re mentally ill, have hazy memories of the abuse (which is literally so common especially if it happened at a young age and especially in the case of op where drugs and repeated abuse was involved), their story isn’t stereotypical, they are coming forward very “late”, they don’t go to the police directly, they don’t immediately respond perfectly to every question, or their allegation is against a celebrity you like, then you dont fucking support victims.

and even if - in some fucking statistic-bending circumstance - what the victim said was even PARTLY untrue (which a 10000% doubt lmao) it doesnt!! fucking matter!! all this shit ppl are saying is STILL ableist and STILL victim blaming and STILL a whole range of shitty!! it wouldnt change SHIT!! it doesnt absolve them of SHIT!! the fact that these ppls first actions are to discredit her through multiple different means speaks volumes of how y’all treat and think of every other victim, and is piling onto the fear every victim has about coming forward and seeking the safety/resources/support/etc we deserve.

god im just. so pissed n really shaken and its not even?? like my circumstances.

tl;dr anyone who fucking forms Opinions and Debates and Moral Judgements on anyone elses trauma - especially a complete fucking stranger - is the personification of a shitstain and they should like, die maybe idk

i hope op gets the space n care n time they deserve away from all this bullshit

[trickstarbrave]

medical professionals on here be like “its actually NOT illegal for me to blog abt how fucking terrible my patients are all the time! so long as its not “identifiable” im all good!” 

when A: you’re absolutely playing with fire. if people end up being able to recognize that patient, you’re out of a job. even if you dont post the name

B: people who see your posts who arents medical professionals are going to be paranoid whenever they are receiving care because theyre going to be fucking afraid you’ll talk about how disgusting their bodies are for thousands of people to read every day or about how delusional and terrible they are for being mentally ill. 

like, we read that shit. and we’re then terrified to speak up when it happens. i still dont like talking to my doctors about a lot of my trauma because it doesn’t matter how many papers i sign i still think in the back of my head “what if they go on reddit or facebook or even fucking tumblr and talk about how their patient was stupid and let themselves be abused. im an idiot and they’ll just insult me” or “i can talk about that hallucination/delusion even though it really scared me because its too stupid and irrational. they’ll laugh at me behind my back and call me a stupid psycho bitch.” 

C: you’re being super fucking unprofessional in general. even if you’re not breaking the law, and someone figures out your stupid social media account? they will probably make it very clear they dont want you taking care of them because you cant be trusted to keep your fucking mouth shut about sensitive information. i get we all meet assholes on the job but really some of the shit i see some of you post about perfectly innocent ppl who are also not exactly having a good time (the vast majority of ppl in a hospital are, guess what, in a lot of pain/very sick! shocker i know) is so.... vile lol. you’re taking care of sick ppl. sure if a patient smacked you with a magazine or harassed you vent abt it but dont do shit abt how ‘whiny and bitchy’ they are getting off their fucking pain meds. these are people who are NOT in positions of power over you, YOU are in a position of power over them. take that into consideration. 

[citrus-feline]

ppl really are just like “lol ur just sad bcuz ur not allowed to be lazy” when mentally ill & disabled people complain about capitalism making them actually want to commit suicide because it makes us all seem like burdens.

how can you have such a lack of empathy?? for a fucking Second just imagine what it would be like from that persons perspective before telling them that they should suck it up and just do it (somehow?? despite their situations making that near impossible, if not outright).

idk what to tell you if you think that this is a thing that is okay to let happen. it is not uncommon to any degree for people in this type of situation to feel like a burden and to consider things as drastic as suicide. that isn’t uncommon. that happens, a lot. but you’d rather believe that we are all in some kind of evil group of dumb kids who pretend just because they want to be lazy??? there are kids who do that, yeah, but the majority of people who complain about this kind of thing aren’t like that.

you can continue to tell us that we are awful people for thinking this way, and i want you to know that it isn’t helping. you saying that shit is upright making it worse. even if it WAS true, what is the point of saying it? you are implying that people who go through this Deserve to feel like burdens and Deserve to want to commit suicide, even if that wasn’t your intention. that is what we see when you type that out.

you all act like we never have tried and we are just sitting with our unknowing perceptions of how things work, but let me tell you that almost all of us have tried, multiple times at that. finding a job with these circumstances in the first place is incredibly difficult. i can sometimes do an okay job at getting people to believe that i’m normal because my appearance isn’t really affected by what i go through, while other people don’t have that grace. and even then, even when i was hired after months and months of searching and being turned down over and over and over because my personality wasn’t what they wanted..... my employer would eventually learn that i am not normal. it’s Really hard to hide that type of thing when it affects you every single day of your life, turns out.

even taking the horrible process of getting hired into account, people will act like when you are hired that you are good and it’s all easy from there. it isn’t. it really isn’t. i worked as long as i did for my past jobs because i went in thinking that everything wrong with me would go away when i finally got to that point. because that’s what people act like. unfortunately, that isn’t how it works. i would find myself dreading work after a month or two. by the third month i would consider suicide nearly every minute on the job, to the point of me getting so scared that my employer would notice and i would get fired or i would end up quitting because i don’t want to die just yet.

you can go on and on about how young adults these days are just too sensitive and don’t understand anything, but like... im starting to think that everyone from older generations that felt this way just... died? killed themselves? or couldn’t find a job and ended up on the streets? you know that tons of homeless people are mentally ill or disabled to some extent, right? you know that, right??? and even with all of that you still continue to say how entitled we all are when we literally just want to survive.

my dream for what i want my future to be isn’t crazy or over the top. i just want to live with my boyfriend, get married in a few years, and maybe try to go to school when i feel ready. my goal in life is to just be happy. it isn’t to be rich or famous like you all seem to think it is. i just want to survive with the person i love. i want to be happy. why is that such an awful thing to want? how am i a bad person for wanting to be happy?

im quiet and always do as im told. i dont go out of my way to make things hard for other people. yes, doing things can be really hard for me, and they normally are. but ill end up doing it, it just might take a while. the problem with how things work is the expectation of happening fast and without issue. i’ve always done things slowly because of how much thought i put into everything. it has always, even since i was very young, difficult for me to work myself towards doing something.

this isn’t something that developed during high school like so many people seem to assume. i’ve been depressed and anxious for as long as i can remember. i remember being REALLY weird when i was very young, and that’s because i didn’t understand what was wrong with me. i was miserable most of the time, even as early as elementary school. i feel like i didn’t ever have the happy, lazy experience that everyone assumes i’m trying to keep in my life. i can’t keep that if i never had it. and even if i could somehow make it happen, it hasn’t. i’m in a pretty understanding situation with my boyfriend, and i’m given time to do things. he understands how hard things are for me, and doesn’t automatically just call me lazy like everyone else seems to. it makes me feel like i have some kind of worth.

isn’t it depressing to think about the fact that i will often find myself thinking that i am worthless because of the lack of what i do? i will find myself looking at me at the core and think “yeah this is worthless, and it should be thrown away”. even when i do well i think this way. nothing is ever enough, and no matter how hard i work to ignore it, my issues won’t magically vanish. i WISH they did. and i’ve tried so hard to make that happen. but it doesn’t. this isn’t something that is simply just a made up problem that i’ve convinced myself to believe. i was suffering from this before i even knew you COULD be like this. i just always thought that i was weird and broken and unlovable and... worthless. even as a kid. i tried the same tactic of making myself do tons of things in order to try to make it go away, but it didn’t work. being the smart kid never worked. being the kid who really wanted to have fun and play but assumed i couldn’t because i needed to work harder to be ‘normal’ like all the other kids Never Worked. i never had more than 5 friends at a time for the large majority of my school life. that got a little better in high school when i started to accept whats wrong with me, but even then it was still pretty bleak.

i just. i don’t get how people can come on here, look at a post written by someone struggling for other people struggling, and then tell everyone who agrees with it that they are all just lazy and awful people. does that make you feel good about yourself? you know that we all already know that we are far from normal, right? i know only one or two people who have gone through this all without mental illness or disability contributing, but so many more who experience it with those things being the core.

if you hate disabled and mentally ill people, just say it. because you acting like you are morally superior because you are lucky enough to be able to tolerate the work environment of today is obviously how you feel. we know that people hate us. we do. i’ve been verbally abused plenty over this exact thing, from lots of different people acting like they “know the best” for me.

please just. stop talking to us if you are so unwilling to listen. we listen to you constantly. its a rare case to come across other people being loud about this type of thing without outright looking for it. if you look for it, you can find it, but i wouldn’t have ever thought to do that for most of my life. the only reason i learned what was wrong with me was because a school counselor in middle school got so concerned for me that she made me see her once a week to talk about how i see the world. and turns out, most people DONT see it the way i do! wow! sounds stupid but i actually had NO idea that i saw things so differently than other people. what a shocker, right? well, it sure was for me when i was just learning then that some people have things like depression or anxiety.

im done with this post. im tired and im going to think about something else.

[ribbonzregretz]

small rant

so im trans & im mentally ill [omg shocker /sar] & something i am tired of seeing all over the internet is the phrase "Trans people arent mentally ill!", im well aware of what that phrase is supposed to mean, but it doesnt work, wanna know why? because it excludes trans people who Are mentally ill, like myself, i feel disconnected from the community at times because of things like that, as im mentally ill & trans. i feel that while its well intentioned, the phrase doesnt include mentally ill trans people & therefore, i believe we should edit the phrase to something like "being trans isnt a mental illness!" or something along those lines.

[note: i am aware not every mentally ill trans person will agree with me on this, im speakin from my own experience, not every trans person with mental illness will agree with me on this, i dont speak for everyone]

[searchingformylostpan]

It makes me feel ill to think about someone else being with you. I know why im not there right now and that shouldnt stop you from having someone else in your life, i just have this pit in my stomach thats gnawing at me, threatening to swallow me up. I know only time sober will allow you back in my life, but even then that pit will still be there, I'll still not be able to love you amd have it reciprocated...the pit is only growing stronger the longer im away from the drugs (used the last bit of dark Christmas eve, i need to toss the white but its my saftey net? If everything gets to be too much to handle and i get to the suicidal point again, i have no one to go to, i dont know of any healthy coping skills because all the ones i do know require wanting to live.) Everything hurts. I cant get my mind off of it no matter what im doing, its consuming me. I have never felt this hopeless about the future, before things could have always been worse. You said before everyone has their own bottom line of how far down theyll go. I passed mine a long time ago. I never wanted to let myself get this far down. A stupid impulsive decision to buy some dark one night was the turning point. Before that, i had it a few times, i definitely was already minorly hooked, but without the easy access i stayed in control of it. Well sorta. I wasnt spending all my money on it, i wasnt constantly using, i didnt have to worry about how bad it will hurt a couple days off of it. But it made the things that were hurting me that i thought i couldnt control (shocker i could have.) quiet down and i could feel ok for a little while. That quickly backfired on me. It made everything worse, it helped me to loose you, looking like forever at this rate, its made me not want to try to make my life better. It makes me complacent in the awful state my life is in, it takes away all the pain that would otherwise be motivating to change the situation. I thought my only option was stay or go. I didnt think there was a way to actually have you and only you. So when it was finally presented to me it seemed too good to be true. So my self sabotaging brain went and made it not a thing by reminding me of how the drugs will make all the doubts, fears, worries quiet down and let my mind relax. You were about as mentally drained as i was the few days before i ran away...i know you were so scared. We both were. Our communication had improved so much since last year i thought we had it down and wouldn't repeat the same patterns, yet instead of talking to eachother about what the real problems were i got in my own head and i could only think of one way out. The easy way out is temporary gratification. It makes you feel better quickly, but breifly. Then destroys everything good in its path. The harder way wouldnt have been easy in the moment, it would have been uncomfortable, made it hurt more for a moment maybe, but it would have ended with a lifetime of happiness and love. I always take the easy route, because its just that, easier. If i ever want some kind of real happiness and love back in my life, even a friendship with you...i have to take the hard way for once. I cant keep going on this path. It leads straight to under the bridge and thats about 1000 layers deeper than my personal low. Crawling out of this is gonna suck. Its going to be the worst ive ever felt, and i have to be alone for it now. Thats the main reason that im doubting myself...i have no one to go to for support when i need it, i have no one that will just be with me 24/7, i have no one checking in on what im doing. Right now its not that bad. By tonight, itll be not so good. I'm scared. Im scared that the reason i would fail will be 100% my own lack of self control and lack of ability to put in the work to actually improve my life. That involves some self love which right now is no where to be found. I just want to go into a coma for a month or 2 wake up and be out of this mess.

[theshapeshifter100]

*Long breath*

Okay, given the response I had on my post regarding yesterdays video (I still haven’t watched it, I’ll get around to it) I felt like I need to talk a bit more about it.

First, thank you to @septicz @lifewithoutcosette @puppetofanti @bulle-sweet and @musicalkingdoms for your kind words of support. I didn’t expect it to be honest. So if you’ll all bear with me, here’s some more soul dumping. Obviously you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to.

Continue under the cut as this will probably be long

All of you are correct in that it’s not a competition for who’s in the most pain or who’s struggling the most. Hell, that’s what I would say if the positions were reversed, do as I say not as I do am I right?

As I said last time, I do have it pretty good. I’m in decent health, have a supportive family, financial stability in the form of my supportive dad. Although, as with just about anyone else, not everything’s sunshine and roses.

I lost my mum lost year, who I’m still trying to figure out my exact feelings towards, and I’ll get to that later. She was a blunt woman and whenever I brought up my mental health she was dismissive, because I know I have mental health problems, and for a while. At least seven years (secondary school messed me up). Again, like I said last time, not nearly as bad as some, but still present.

I do have some form of anxiety and depression, I have been known to have suicidal thoughts. I generally hate myself a large chunk of the time and when my perfectionist streak kicks in then nope, gone, bye! I’m either raging somewhere or sitting in a corner and crying. I know it’s unreasonable, most of the time.

A point to add is that I practice martial arts. To be specific I am a 1st Dan black belt in WT Chungdokwan Taekwondo. I am also an instructor at my local club, along with about eight other black belts. As such I do feel pressure to be as good as I possibly can be because I am a black belt and the instructor of these kids so I should be able to do these moves and sometimes I just can’t because I’m not the right shape for it or I have a weird laspe in balance or a complete brain blank. It happens to everyone and I tell the kids all the time that I’m not looking for perfection because that’s unreasonable and I really don’t follow my own advice.

Health wise, I’m not exactly fit (I know, shocker) but my biggest issue is hearing. Not often, but regular enough to be a thing I can deal with, one of my ears (sometimes both but not the same degrees of severity) will become blocked with ear wax. I’ve dealt with this for about nine years now, so I can handle it, but when I wake up and I can barely hear out of one ear with no prior warning, yeah it tends to put me in a low for the rest of the day.

Anxiety tends to kick in the worst during driving lessons (and situations involving alcohol in public, but I can avoid that easily enough) which is bad given that I need to learn to drive for my desired career path. I am just going to have to power through that one, I am aware.

I suppose the final point for the moment is, by sheer co-incidence, I had a doctors appointment today, so I mentioned my issues and finally got some vague form of diagnosis of anxiety and depression, as I had suspected. I had mentioned this to my doctor before, but I was nervous and jumped to the suicide and so the focus was on that and not the underlying problem so wasn’t overly helpful.

I’ve finally signed up for an online service that specialises in cCBT (computer Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)  as recommended by my doctor, and due to my mum’s death I do have access to complimentary therapy and counseling, which I hadn’t really been aware of the fact as they would focus on my dad, and I understand that. Also I have to contact them via the phone (oh great, something else to get nervous about and possibly cry over because I’m an idiot who can’t even use the phone)

I guess final, final point. I have a hard time reaching out to be people. I guess I got it in my head that it was weak to do so. Also add in asking questions and crying in public so I’m pretty quiet wherever I go about this. Talking at this great length is pretty unusual and I never freaking talk to people.

I think that’s everything. I’m not looking for sympathy. I forgot to say that on the last post, that wasn’t what that was about. Hell, I didn’t actually expect anyone to pay attention to it, so if you’re gotten this far, great! Have a cookie, or perhaps a healthy but equally delicious snack if you prefer.

I guess this is just trying to get stuff of my chest mostly, and also so it doesn’t feel like I’m misleading anyone if they decide to offer sympathy. I know what I’m supposed to do, it’s just motivation, or lack thereof. I think everyone can relate.

I’m rambling at this point, so enjoy your chosen snack for having gotten this far. Shapeshifter out.

[instantwhispersmiracle-blog]

Feather Pen

The Devil in Human form... shouldn't be allowed to have any pens.  this world runs on a 3D law governing.. that has been installed to enslave Half the human race. So, when a devil who is racist in all forms as in, The biggest form of all. Love, He laughs at it in all forms, the heart of a man that can't even speak about a law he CONJURED UP OUT OF FEAR of losing a grip on his evil, for the root of his precious mutha fucking news. He once again is in a spiral of horrible news, he really doesn't give a fuck about his reputation. its the fact he is in power and does not care in what way he is, or how he is portrayed or how he is known.. watching the apprentice he probably stopped the show cause he realized he can just try and gain world domination in his shitty not giving a fuck efforts and use money to do it, Since this world is revealing how now, we aren't attach to it, Some people in his circle has left.. and turned down the money or the way he talks to them, I commend you.. God will give you a job else where when you undergo all the rammifications of why you worked for him in the first place. but now we realized this a little too late but its never over... little late.... but NOT OVER and he is in Office. SO, the normal tactics to get this man to feel any fucking thing won't work, he isn't like one of us, Everyone.... has a mirror of duality.... how you look into it, creates your image. he sees the devil since he wants to laugh at THE VP for praying. 1. cause he is you know a disgusting fuck. 2. cause deep down he sense VP changing and wants to grip him back, and he does not give a fuck...I seriously think.. he might breed these children to be evil doers... like he is getting desPERate.........people are leaving and turning down his “ways” AND MOREOVER, about global warming, cause he rather give the opportunity for the evil alien forces to come the fuck back. and do there global devamping.  thus, Money..... he is elaborating and expressing an idea that the good of the planet is such an expensive fucking task, when most people will take care of it for no money. so when an expensive plot of a plan is made. it really IS to hide where all the talk of cost of money is really going CAUSE IM SURE SANDERS FUCKING DODGES THOSE QUESTIONS so we know its going to the midterm elections. HE will talk all around the plan and explain in elaborate bullshit ways of emptiness...the answers would be like in the forms that you will only see proof once the money is GOTTEN....... that this budget is needed.. that this budget is what will get all the countries to help out, cause it is  a uniting thought. he is preying on the fact he in this SILENCE OF CAGE LAW DICK SHIT, to come up with more of a spider web lie of evidence for this budget. please people who read this or maybe I dont fucking know hear this perhaps, still undergoing a transformation. BUT, ignore the fact its expensive ignore the fact he is talking in a deflective manner from his silence on this law, and the judge to make him reunite the separated children. in under 30 days.  Its to ask the questions of where this money will go, how is it being handled. cause then.. two things will happen. 1. HE WILL SHUT IT DOWN, CAUSE he hasn't thought it through he doesnt know where the fuck its going to go cause its going to go to the midterm elections. 2. IT will play out, and because the questions of where its going to go who is involved, who is helping out what parts of the material will aide in the weathering systems and material to reset the planet, all that woods, through that process if he doesn't wanna look MORE of a fucking tool then he already is, he will do it. BUT, he doesn't give a fuck about his reputation he doesn't try to do no “ damage control press” OTHER THEN TO POP UP OUT OF HIS FUCKING GOLF CAVE... AND DECLARE SOME NEXT FUCK UP THING, WITH A1/4 OF A TONE THAT MIGHT SUGGEST HE WENT TO SOME HUMANITY REHAB. but, he does the same shit.. why do we keep repeating ourselves. he is now a Humanity joke... and America’s toy, but the scary thing is. he doesn't care, he knows the people around him love money, and or blackmailed.. or will PLEAD THE FUCKING FIFTH WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT....and that person gets to go to his own trial........ SO, we have to think a little evil, I mean dabble in the shadow shelf of yourself.. its okay its a lower version of your higher self, cloak in your murkiness of ignoring it. SOOOOOOOO to get his ideas and be three steps ahead. I hope this helps whoever reads it.. or hehehe hears it.  SO, if I had to commit a crime.. it would be to jack all the fucking pens in proximity of this fat bastard of evil cloud enitity. thats it.. nothing else . SANDERS U FUCK, I won't touch you, only your subconscious you fucking twat ignore it and ill summon karma my main bitch to burn all your pink skirts. and hide all your tweezers, you wasting money on SECRET SERVICE. people won't touch you either, just verbally tell you to get the fuck out of their presence along with you and your MONEY ADMINISTRATION OF FRAUD, whenever found on sight, black and white people.. shocker.  I will however also atleast, ill throw in some tooth fairy shit I will jack the pens and replace them with magical vanishing feather pens.. that when you touch it, you will just go in a coma and face Anubis and repeat the same fucking cycle again cause your heart is non existent like the magical vanishing feather pen illusion trick I just fathom.  NOW, if I was the Korean president I also, wouldn't surrender to this fuck in the White House, I mean lets strip away everything, everything away all the HORRIBLE REAL BULLSHIT WE ALL SEE HIM AS, somewhere in his fucking soul.. he thought it was okay to but 1 boy or 1 girl COUGH MORE IF HE COULD he did 6.. I'm surprise it wasn't 666 before he stopped....they are in a cold metal rusty square prism prison.. separated from their families who God knows where they are....he sat in a chair.. and thought this is okay. and signed it away with a pen. he is torturing souls.  As I was saying if I was the Korean CEO president in a KDRAMA THAT I WATCH, he has the horrible reputation blonde suit to give a reason of why he will not surrender at this time, the nuclear influence from the blonde losing hair devil I wouldn't. But, I wouldn't boast id stay humble and quiet id call up justin Trudeau for a human feel confirmation its all Gucci, though if I was hesitant BUT DEFF NOT. its unfortunately sad and simple... HIS STUPID FUCKING LAW NESS MAKING..creates a sad reasoning as a feel of the world im sure we want that to happen, to naturally not have any country act like they are preparing for war....... but with the want of peace.. and A BLONDE DUMBASS @ the golf course... not even at the White House..... its a simple choice to say no. with the way he acts and think .. I THINK a country wants to protect themselves and their people..not to live on the offence.. but a defence but not anticipate just chill... and I will always keep the continuation of the peace that was done with MOON, I'm sure we both agreed. and idk what china is doing but china best not try and convince korea to do anything.. as I once said... that man wanted to implicate a law to stay in power till he dies... GOLFPORNSTAR FUCKING mentality.. you only fuck women pornstars why the fuck would you not want to block child porn THE MONEY GOING TO GOOD FUCKING THINGS TO ENCOURAGE THE BETTER MENT OF A HUMANE SOCIETY AND . so anyways. thats enough Ima tweak music.