#its based in how physically intimate it is and mentally for someone to trust you enough to let you dissect them

[glitterfartsprinkle]

TW !!! ORGANS

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hashtag codependency!

[californ1asnow]

All Too Well - Mike Schmidt x Reader angst

part two here Reader has trauma from neglectful parents that leaves her constantly in the, “I can fix him mentality,” paired with obvious daddy issues. Slight trigger warning for physical abuse?

Word count 2k+

loosely based on the song, “All Too Well,” by Taylor Swift

Hurt no comfort

Subtle static hums in the background, enveloping the room in near-silence. The moon, having ascended to its rightful spot in the night sky, bathes Mike's house in a gentle, luminous glow that seeps through his curtains. Your body is entwined in the embrace of silk bed sheets, lying in quiet anticipation beside him. The familiar sensation of his gentle breath tickling lightly against the nape of your neck.

A month has passed since the nightmarish ordeal of Mike's former job. Through it all, you have stood by him with everything, and that loyalty has persisted since the aftermath. After his departure from Fredy's, Mike's night terrors have taken a darker turn, far worse than anything he had experienced before. You've attempted to gently coax the truth from him in the past, but he never divulged the full extent of his nightmares. It didn’t really matter to begin with, instead what truly matters is ensuring his sanity once he wakes up from these tormenting dreams.

You’d met Mike a few years ago after moving into the house next door. Looking for a new babysitter, he had offered you the job of watching Abby while he was away, and you agreed without hesitation. Gradually, the three of you formed a tight-knit bond, uniting through shared experiences of lacking any parental figures. Abby particularly admired you in various ways, given the absence of a strong female role model in her life.

Your relationship with Mike is, well, complicated. Sometimes the both of you would swear your bond is entirely platonic, absolutely nothing but friends. Defending swiftly against Abby’s claims that you two are secretly in love. However, the stolen gazes and lingering touches beg to differ. The line that marks the difference between friendship and romance is hazy, leaving you to wonder about the true tone of your relationship. Neither of you had crossed the physical line that tread into a more amorous kinship, so you could argue that there aren’t any subtle intimate undertones. But, your current situation doesn’t help that defense.

Your gaze is fixated upon the ceiling, circling through the darkness. Mike’s arms are wrapped securely around your waist, like an anchor thrown to sea, cementing you to your spot next to him. He’s recently ditched the need for his nature sounds, instead opting to listen to your heartbeat in an attempt to fall asleep.

It started right after he left the security job, claiming that he was done trying to relive the same dream every night.

“How are you going to fall asleep then?” You had asked him, brows furrowed and questioning.

He stopped for a moment, pondering your question intently. That thought hadn’t crossed his mind yet, and now that you mentioned it he couldn’t think of a tangible way to do it. Frowning, he looked back up to you with a shrug.

A soft sigh escaped your lips. It was troubling enough having to watch Mike struggle the past few years with his sleeping, and knowing it’s going to get worse made you uneasy. You glanced away from him before speaking, “You know, I read somewhere about how listening to the heartbeat of someone you trust helps calm the fight or flight response in your brain…” Words trailing off in a futile attempt of masking your embarrassment, your cheeks flushed pink.

From that suggestion, it became a nightly routine. Although you lived next door, you had been spending the last few weeks laying in Mike’s bed. Letting him drift asleep to the sound of your steady heart, with his head pressed comfortably against your chest. Once you were sure he was asleep, you’d slip away either to his couch or back into your own bed at home. You couldn’t complain about it though, the warmth in your stomach that rose from his touch wasn’t something you necessarily wanted to give up on. You’d forgo everything if it meant he could be happy.

Just as you were about to make the move to leave, you feel him stir next to you. The sound of frantic mumbling pulling you away from your thoughts, and when you turn over to face Mike you find that he’s contorted with panic. Eyes still shut, he’s trashing in his sleep, beads of sweat dotting his forehead. The hand closest to your own starts to twitch wildly, and you begin to realize he’s having another nightmare.

Waking him up during one of his nightmares is essential. You know how much it torments him to relive the same traumatic memories repeatedly night after night. Your gentle touch is the only lifeline connecting him back to reality. With a soft grasp of his shoulder, you nudge him lightly, whispering his name. “Mike,” your voice is gentle, attempting to lull him peacefully awake, “it’s just a dream, wake up.”

Mike’s eyes snap open wide, dark with terror. Frantically, he searches the room for danger, still stuck temporarily in a flashback. His chest rises and falls heavily, breath ragged and uncontrolled.

Hurriedly, he shoots up into a sitting position, ready to defend himself against a potential threat. Your heart breaks into a million pieces seeing him so upset. “You’re home,” you tell him, a hand reaching out to grasp onto him.

Suddenly, the weight of your mistake dawns upon you. In a swift motion, his fist hurtles towards you, and you barely manage to dodge it, swiftly ducking to avoid the blow.

The rate of your defense isn’t fast enough compared to his attack, and you catch the tail end of his clenched fist. A yelp of pain sounding from you, immediately bringing Mike out of shock.

When his eyes finally adjust to the darkness, he sees you sitting on the edge of his bed, back turned to him. His gaze snaps down to his hand, still closed in a shaking fist. Regret instantly flooding his system, he calls out your name nervously. Without turning around, you wave him off dismissively.

He moves off the bed, crouching down in front of you. Staring up at you from his position, he can’t see your face that’s burrowed behind hesitant hands. Warm fingers wrap gently around your wrists, asking for permission to move them. “Please,” he begs, “let me see, I’m so sorry.”

Instinctively, you let him pull your hands away, revealing the damage he had accidentally inflicted upon you. A dark crimson trickles down your chin, flowing from the split of your bottom lip. Mike’s thumb gently glides across the swollen skin, his touch feather light.

He fully sinks to his knees, a muffled sob wracking his body. He can hardly bring himself to face you, to face what he did to you. Accidental or not, he inflicted pain onto you, something completely opposite from what he’d promised to do.

Your eyes well up with hot tears seeing how upset Mike is. You let a gentle hand grasp at his chin, tilting his face upwards so that he’s forced to catch your gaze. “Mike,” your voice is as tender as you can will it to be, “I’m okay, I promise. It was not your fault.”

Broken apologies fly from his mouth, ignoring your statement completely. His mind was too focused on the bruise that’s sure to form rather than what you have to say.

“I’m sorry,” he says, voice trembling.

“Stop,” you tell him softly, trying to get him to calm down.

“I’ll fix this, let me fix this. God, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I’m not angry with you, it’s okay.”

You pull him up from his spot on the floor. Shaky arms wrapping around his middle, all the while he’s protesting against the idea of you being close to him again.

“It was a nightmare, you were just having a nightmare. I shouldn’t have grabbed you so suddenly, I should’ve known better. Please stop blaming yourself.” Your voice comes out more timid than you would have liked it to. Deep down you knew he never would have done that consciously, but you couldn’t stop the anxiety from overtaking you completely.

Your need to take care of Mike in his frantic state is more overbearing than the one to help yourself.

He knows this too, and whether he’s doing it intentionally or not, he’s been clinging to that notion for the past few years. He’d let you just close enough that you’d give him the comfort he wanted, but pushed you away when you became too attached. Keeping you at arm's length was enough to satisfy whatever comfort he’s been deprived of most of his life.

But now he realizes how much of a mistake it all was. You are hurt because of him. Because he’s been too wrapped up in his own issues to see how any of this could have affected you in the slightest. And now that it’s glaringly obvious, he can’t stand to keep you dangling like this.

He mutters your name regretfully, causing you to break your hold and look up at him. “You need to leave,” his voice is weak, strained from crying.

You shake your head in disapproval, “Mike I don’t think that’s a good idea-“

“You can’t be around me anymore!”

Silence. That’s all you could respond with to his raised voice. Mike had never yelled at you, or Abby for that matter, and hearing it is startlingly different from his usual tone.

Years of repressed memories come back flooding you like a tidal wave. All of the moments you locked yourself away in your room because you couldn’t deal with the screams of an angry parent anymore, it hit like a ton of bricks.

Your immediate action is to pull the pieces back together and fix everything. You could do that.

You must have done something wrong if he’s yelling at you, right?

“Wait, wait, wait,” desperately you start to plead with him, “I did something wrong. Don’t do this, please.”

“Just go, please.”

“No, I can’t. There has to be something-“

“Go.”

His volume is lowered but his words cut just as deeply. You know there’s no point in arguing now, his mind is clearly made up.

Solemnly, you get up without another word. Gathering what little you brought over, and you leave without saying goodbye.

—

You could just barely hold yourself together enough to walk through the front door of your house. Knowing you were secure behind your walls, free from the gaze of any onlooking neighbors, you collapse entirely against the wooden floor of your home.

Everything replayed in your mind on loop, from the moment you woke Mike up to his last few words. The confusion, anger, resentment, and sadness fueled the hot tears running down your face.

You feel like a tiny child again, curled up in a ball sobbing as silently as your body allows you to be. Left to be wondering why it’s always your fault that people are upset, and how you can change it so they aren’t.

You think about your relationship with Mike, wondering if it’s truly over now. All you ever wanted to do was help him, so why did it feel like you’re the one being punished?

It was as if you were stuck in that position on the floor forever, caught in a web of remembrance. Every aspect of your so called friendship with Mike questioned intently in your mind.

You think he might have tried calling you a few times the days after that incident, but your phone was set to silence and you couldn’t bring yourself to look at it. Despite the burning urge to check up on him and Abby, you kept your distance.

Time had moved too slowly when you needed it the most. Healing wounds won’t close when they’re constantly torn open the second you step outside the house and spot Mike’s across from yours. The best you could do is to keep busy with work and avoid staying home as much as possible. You made sure Mike couldn’t catch you in person to talk, and with your phone rejecting his calls it had been months since you last heard from him.

Guilt gnaws at the back of your mind. It shouldn’t take a fight like this to undo years of close connection between you two so quickly. But you felt like there was no other option, he had told you to leave him and you did.

The only thing you’re left with is your hurt and his memories, forever replaying in the back of your mind.

[queenofapeacefuldawn]

For the author ask game: 4, 9, 14, 27, 37 (sorry this is a lot)

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Hm... this is a tough one, but I think "breathed"; but like in the context of saying something very softly, almost like you're saying it as you breathe out. Big fan of it, mainly because there's something intimate in saying something like that, and also there's so much meaning packed into it: it could be you're asking somebody to stay, you're revealing your darkest secret, you're telling someone your credit card details: truest forms of trust and intimacy. Yeah, as you can see, I'm perfectly normal about this.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

Yes

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

I do lend books to people, but they're not scared to borrow from me. But every time I lend a book to someone, I am hit with intense anxiety about how they'll act with my book. Will they mark it with pen/pencil/highlighter? Will they dog-ear the pages? Will they ruin the binding? Will they drop soda on it, (fuck you, fifth grade classmate, I'm still not over it). At any given point, I know exactly where each book of mine is, and I've always gotten my books back, because I annoy people into giving my books back (it's ethical if the book is yours!)

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

In all honesty? For my fanfics, it's Rudy. He has a kind of jovial, flirtatious personality that I can't exactly connect with, which is why every time I open my fic docs, I worry whether I'll mess up Snake Boi's characterization. However. Roshani blessed us with the softer, more awkward side of him in NoI's epilogue, and the gremlin rat operating my brain rubbed its hands, and went, "Oh, we can work with this. We can characterize with this. Excellent." Which makes writing him easier. It's pretty easy to write my OCs, as they're all either extensions of myself, or based on people I know. Writing established characters (esp. a character like Rudy) is tough, BUT, it makes writing him more fun!

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?

"It seems as if the author of this fable was fond of making the characters living in her head go through several types of torture and pain: physical, mental, and lastly, psychological."

-The person who digs up my laptop and sees the stuff on it.

"This one was NOT okay"

-The OTHER person who digs up my journals where I write book plots.

-----

PLEASE ASK ME MORE QUESTIONS FROM THIS ASK GAME I LOVE ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS!!! (Also its not a lot lmao I love answering lots of questions)

[cieloenelbosque]

Hello,

Below are the basics.

How I view things, what I'm about and what I'm looking for.

My blog also has bits and pieces of me too.

The Five Pillars

Consent. Communication. Care. Trust. Respect. 

Consent: Of the five, this is the most important. Without it, the whole relationship is just abusive and shouldn't exist. Consent is mutual. Both parties must have a clear understanding of what consent is and what it means to them and what it means to their partner. And its significance goes beyond just sex. It's discussing decisions that would impact the future of the other. It's being careful about what you share about your relationship outside of it. It's being aware of the safety of it. Consent is evolving also, not rigid. And it's non-negotiable.

Communication: The most difficult. It must be learned. It’s getting to know each other and how we communicate. It's not just verbal communication, it's physical. Part of growing and bonding with a person is learning each other's body language and how to read it. It’s getting to know when your partner needs to vent but also when they just want to sit in silence with you present. Or just having a simple conversation about nothing. Communicating effectively shows a strong bond. Openness without fear is paramount.

Care: Actions and words. Showing care helps establish the bond. Whether it's physical, verbal, mental, etc., is how the other knows that they are important. It's a feeling more than anything. A person can feel when care is taken. Hugs, caresses, check-in texts, opening up, reassuring your feelings, or even sharing funny memes. Little things add up to create and maintain a secure relationship.

Trust: Part of building a relationship and bonding is taking chances at the beginning. Based on instinct, one needs to decide whether or not to take that step and trust the other. Even if it's a little thing. A line is crossed. There's a timing element to it also. Whether it's telling intimate things about yourself or getting intimate for the first time - things you can't take back - there's that fear that they will abandon you or hurt you with what they have gained from you. Knowing that eventually it will need to get to a level of absoluteness. We both need to earn each other’s trust while also taking that risk. Risking the pain and fear that comes if that trust is broken.

Respect: This is putting your partner before yourself and showing them that they are significant to you. It's establishing a hierarchy between your partner and everyone else. Show that they matter and are now a part of your being. Whether it's taking them into account when planning your day or standing up for them when they can't do so themselves. Showing that respect is strengthening the bond and further stabilizes the relationship.

There are other elements that come into play that are just as important: loyalty, love, commitment, passion, family, support, growth… but these can't exist without an established foundation. 

All these things are important to me and they should be important to you as well.

About Me

I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm this one-of-a-kind unique individual. This isn't kindergarten. No one is special. But I do want to mean something special to someone. And they will be special to me. :)

Physical: Attractive (I'm told). 30s. Petite at 5'1.5. 116Ibs with curves. C/D breast size. Black hair. Dark eyes. Plump lips. Light skin. Mexican-American (Mestizo). Ears pierced. No tattoos. I like my body. With its stretch marks and squishy imperfections ✨️ It's not perfect but it's mine and I've worked hard to get where it's at. 

College educated. Established career. No kids. Never married. Bilingual. Liberal leaning but not really political. I'm a bit of a hermit but I love trying new things and new experiences. I'm always learning, growing and improving myself. I’m a bit of a hypocrite... but really who isn’t? I do enjoy a good drink. I don't smoke. I don't mind if you smoke but try not to around me. Don't care about weed as long as it doesn't interfere with daily activities. Love hockey (VGK, Bruins, and Penguins). 90s movies. I have a dog. I love fall/winter. I’m happiest when there is snow but I also love the tropical fruits of summer. Hate the heat.

I'm a selectively private person for the most part and I expect you to respect that. I am fiercely loyal. An introverted extrovert. I like things to be taken care of the correct way - and not left to the last second. Mostly a clean person but sometimes it's just organized chaos. Pretty dominant leaning everywhere but in relationships. I'm traditional and submissive. I am notoriously indecisive but if I have a preference or opinion for something I make it known.

I like to make my man happy. Fulfilled. Content. Your happiness equals my happiness. And I expect my partner to reciprocate.

Affectionate and sometimes a bit touchy. I do well on my own and enjoy my solitude greatly. However, I do also love being around my partner. I'm perfectly content reading a book while you watch the game, play sports or video games. I like romance and doing sweet things but also the opposite. I need to know that you care and want me. I need reassurance. Lastly, I am absolutely monogamous.

What I'm Looking For

Let's try to keep things simple.

I need connection. A bond. I can't fake it and I need it to be real. 

It would be great to find someone that naturally just wants to make you be the best version of yourself for that person. There is thought, consideration and effort.

Loyal and empathetic. Confident, safe and stable. You don't like complacency and seek at least a healthy plateau. You are a sweet romantic but sometimes have dark tendencies.

Healthy and fit. Educated. Successful and established. Monogamous. No excessive drinking or drugs (weed is okay but only if it doesn't get in the way). Loyal. You have a caring heart and are a family man. Good morals and respectful. You like things private and prefer to handle business internally. You’re protective. You like control and need things in a specific way. You like to say you're firm but you're a kid at heart that loves a good time.

Naturally dominant. Someone that understands that it's more than just a woman being traditional and submitting to her man. A man that shows how valuable his women is. And knows that a woman that stands with him furthers him. Protects him. While he does the same for her. There is a mutual understanding of protection, advice and trust. Of loyalty. That is success. We would be a team. You lead but I still expect a balance. A fairness in the relationship and my partner would see to that. Things aren't always simple or easy. We need to be able to be there for each other and protect what we have. 

😊

[selfhelpexpertonline]

How to Boost Your Self-Esteem

No matter whether or not you are already in a relationship or searching for one, having high self-esteem is vital to maintaining healthy relationships and enjoying a satisfying life.

Healthy Relationships

Studies have proven the value of healthy relationships for improving one's self-esteem and quality of life overall. Studies also demonstrate how beneficial they can be when it comes to mental health issues and quality of life issues.

An ideal relationship includes honesty, trust and mutual respect between partners. While traditional forms of relationship exist, modern ones should adapt according to each person involved's specific needs and wants.

Remember that your needs can change throughout life; what worked in your 20s may no longer satisfy in your 30s or 40s.

An ideal relationship requires sharing responsibilities evenly without feeling resentful, communicating freely about feelings and sharing your opinions and preferences openly with each other.

Your relationship is one in which each partner enjoys equal power and authority, allowing both to freely express their individual opinions without feeling threatened by each other. Furthermore, finances, parenting decisions, and significant life events will be shared between you.

If you are in a relationship, it is crucial to recognize any indicators that indicate it may be struggling and take steps to strengthen it. If jealousy or suspicion arise, that could be an indicator something is amiss in the relationship.

Your partner can assist in helping to resolve these issues by discussing them together and offering assurance. This is an effective way of building trust between two people and is sure to lead to lasting friendships.

Staying fresh can also mean taking part in new experiences together, like traveling together or spending time with others outside your relationship. A change of scene can often rekindle romance and strengthen bonds.

At its core, healthy relationships can contribute to higher self-esteem across your life, whether romantic or platonic partnerships are involved. They offer you a chance to learn about yourself and create your own sense of value instead of depending on someone else to provide it for you.

Intimacy

Being intimate can help build self-esteem and mental wellbeing, according to Michael Krychman, MD a Southern California-based obstetrician/gynecologist.

Intimacy refers to closeness or connection, and can take various forms. Physical intimacy might involve kissing or holding hands with someone close. Physical intimacy is integral for maintaining healthy relationships, so developing it takes some work but is well worth your while.

Emotional intimacy can be achieved through open and honest dialogue with your partner, such as sharing thoughts, feelings, fears and vulnerabilities with each other. An approach free of judgment to communication must also be adopted - something which can be developed further with practiced active listening.

Spiritual intimacy involves sharing a mutual interest in religious or spiritual activities. Spiritual intimacy can help build trust and respect between partners while also improving mental health and feeling more connected with your surroundings.

Maintaining and creating intimacy are critical parts of relationship building, yet many find them challenging. Anxiety or depression may make this difficult to do.

To conquer this, seek help from an intimacy therapist or counselor who specializes in intimacy therapy. These professionals will assist with understanding why intimacy makes you uncomfortable while providing different methods to make you feel safer.

Strengthen your relationship's sense of intimacy by showing that you value them. This could include something as straightforward as saying thank you or buying them gifts, to something more complex such as exploring sexual intimacy in the bedroom and being your own sexual advocate.

Establishing intimacy in relationships is an ongoing journey that may prove challenging at times, yet ultimately rewarding. Being part of a healthy partnership makes this endeavour all the more fulfilling.

intimacy can be an enormous source of self-worth in life, so it's vitally important that we create as many intimate connections as possible in our relationships. Most importantly, however, is being true to both yourself and others in your relationships.

Regular Sex

No matter your relationship status or situation, regular sex can be essential to maintaining sexual health and well-being as well as increasing self-esteem.

Low self-esteem often stems from feelings that you aren't good enough or don't possess enough sexual desire. One way you can increase confidence and sex skills is to express your desires more clearly; although this may be challenging at times, doing so could help find you the perfect partner who respects and understands you, and makes you feel good in yourself.

If you are in a committed relationship, try to set realistic expectations about when and how often you desire sex. Your satisfaction levels may change over time so it's best to work together towards finding an acceptable compromise.

Experts estimate that American couples typically engage in sexual relations after 비아그라 복용량 once per week on average. Though this figure represents the general trend, each relationship differs and has different sexual needs; therefore it's more important to focus on enjoying having sex together rather than how often, according to Dr. Peter Kanaris of Smithtown New York sex therapist Dr. Peter Kanaris says.

Studies have demonstrated that engaging in regular sex can reduce depression levels. This is due to serotonin being released during intimate contact, which helps improve mood and relieve stress.

Dr. Ambardar notes that during sexual encounters, oxytocin is released, helping you feel closer to your partner. Oxytocin stimulates touch and intimacy while increasing self-esteem, according to Ambardar.

Take time out to appreciate yourself and your body by conducting a body scan - this can help identify areas you enjoy about yourself that could use improvement and can give your self-esteem a boost!

Even as you focus on getting in shape, it's wise to evaluate which areas of your body need some TLC and which don't. Being mindful about eating well and regularly exercising is crucial for overall wellbeing; make sure that this part of your routine.

Self-Esteem

Enhancing your self-esteem may seem like a long and challenging journey, but with determination and persistence it can become easier over time. Your efforts could result in more confident and satisfying experiences in the future.

Good news is that having healthy self-esteem can contribute to better mental health, deeper relationships and an overall more positive outlook on life. A higher sense of self-esteem has even been linked with better performance at school and work!

Shyue Khurana and Sarah Feibel conducted research demonstrating the connection between self-esteem and maintaining meaningful relationships, which are an integral component of healthy self-esteem, and an increase in meaningful interactions with other people. Strong relationships are integral parts of healthy self-esteem as they provide support when facing various forms of difficulty, from depression to anxiety.

Researchers suggest you can bolster your self-esteem through various means, including exercise and adopting an optimistic outlook. A few specific techniques could prove especially helpful:

Be kind to yourself: A healthy diet and regular exercise can do wonders for your mood, energy levels and weight management. Exercise releases endorphins and so-called happiness hormones like dopamine and serotonin that boost confidence and overall sense of well-being.

Do what you love, and don't be afraid to explore new experiences. Setting yourself new goals and challenging yourself are great ways to learn about yourself while building confidence and developing a positive self-image.

If you find yourself overwhelmed with negative thoughts, recognize them and try to counter them with positive ones. Also use self-talk as cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT can be an effective method to altering thinking patterns and changing them over time.

Keep a journal as a way of reflecting on and acknowledging all that's good in your life and celebrating your victories, whether they involve major decisions, overcoming fears or dispelling negative thinking patterns. Celebrate your victories to keep them fresh in your memory!

As part of your efforts to bolster your self-esteem, make adjustments in your relationships that can boost it - such as avoiding toxic people and cultivating meaningful friendships with people who appreciate you. Letting go of negative beliefs and attitudes about yourself may initially be challenging but ultimately worthwhile.

[hopeididntscareyou]

Even though Liz would talk shit about me, I dont agree with everything she says. I'm not going to let other people get in the way of my relationships anymore. Listening to other peoples opinions just making me feel hateful and also making me a terrible person for being always on defensive mode. Deep down, i'm a very loyal and genuine person. I believe in true love even in this day and age where people are either manipulators and too traumatized to trust others. I am someone who would go lengths to show how i care about someone without losing myself. I dont care about all these labels and games that people play. As long as I stay healthy mentally, emotionally and physically, then nothing can destroy me. I only follow my own philosophy.

I find it saddening how people would believe whatever bullshit they see on tiktok/youtube rather than learning things from real life experience. People need to understand that these content creators are mainly trying to make money. They have that goal thats why they stir drama from reddit or 4chan extremists. Their ideas dont reflect the entire population IRL. They make money by grabbing your attention, brainwashing you and being their followers. Don't you see how out of touch with reality that looks like? if that doesn't sound crazy and cult-like to you, then i don't know what to tell you. I admit though, I was also a victim of this for awhile, but in my entire life I realized, the only times I have really learned about life was from my own experiences, and going outside and engaging with people who are passionate about their work that they dont even have time for the internet- usually older people from all walks of life. Thats where I got real wisdom. Its never really been from the internet. The thing is you could spend your precious time consuming self improvement material from youtube or reddit and even a book but it wouldn't actually improve your life whatsoever because you spent your time being a follower of someone else's ideas than having your own path. To be honest, all self improvement books/videos I've seen are just mostly common sense that I already knew and had been doing because I came up with these ideas on my own. It's really not that hard to give yourself a quiet time to sit and think solutions for your own problems. I believe it is more important to create more than to consume. Nowadays, internet is full of retarded and braindead people wired by quick dopamine. Its not the same as early 2000s and mid 2010s where internet stuff was obscure. Its been decades since the invention of the internet. It is not the age of the internet anymore but the age of algorithm. I stopped consuming internet as much as possible because of two things; one - the internet is full of fake news, misinformation and propagandas. Two - it is the source of distraction with its unlimited entertainment. I only use internet as an online tool for conveniency to keep up with the digital world; mainly using google maps, QR codes, storage, work or legit educational priorities.

And honestly, i can tell a lot about person based on their internet activities that its probably my main criteria now when judging a person as first impression. If you're a person who doom scrolls on short videos/reels regardless of the content, then I would assume you spend your spare time as a consumer than a creator and that alone would tell me what kind of person you are.

In an unrelated note, I'm still coming into terms about my sexuality because I can't quite figure out if i am really indeed an asexual or not. I feel extremely grossed out with the idea of sex with people I have a romantic relationship with. It just feels so wrong, like it makes me feel like i'm engaging in incest kind of wrong to me. I do however like sharing intimate moments and romance like hugging touching cuddling and kissing but sex is just repulsive and disgusting to me. I think its partly because of my trauma from watching depraved and disturbing porn for sickfucks, that definitely is a fact. But i also should admit that I have been sexually attracted before and I would consider myself as sexually active because I masturbate an average of 3x a week to 5x in just one day. The problem arise whenever I'm dating/seeing someone because i completely lose my interest in anything sexual all of a sudden and I would even stop masturbating. I don't know, its fucking weird. I cant count how many times i forced myself to be in the mood while someone is kissing me and touching me, but it just doesn't work, and I hate that when that happens because it makes me hate sex entirely and apathetic with someone. Like i don't even care if my partner would do it with other women just because he cant have sex with me. I literally don't care. Honestly, I am not really a jealous person and I can handle things well as long as I'm not bored. Sex is not a massive issue to me entirely at all. Fortunately i never had a problem about this with most guys except one time. But in general, the guys i chose to date were good natured individuals that i shared the same values with. So contrary to the popular belief, no I am not a raging feminazi who hates men. Thats incorrect and its funny how my friends would say i hate men just because i don't put up with trashy behaviors. You'd think people who are close to me would know me better, but surprise surprise. Sometimes its just not really easy to get to know someone on a deeper level. You could know someone for years without knowing anything about them. Not all people are open books, and honestly I dont care enough to change how people perceive me. You can think whatever you want about me and I'm still going to live my reality

[insomniacowl]

Neon genesis Evangelion Analysis Chapter 23: Katsuragi Misato Part 2 Dear Shinji, this is my will.

Misato: So you don't want to meet your dad?

Just like me

Let us start from the beginning. The scene in the first episode where Misato drives down to meet Shinji. Her first words to him were, "Sorry, I made you wait." This, I believe, is the first of many times their interactions will revolve around the theme of "Waiting." The line also contrasts with her final words to Shinji, "Let's continue when you get back."

Her cross is first brought to our attention through Shinji's eyes as Misato shields him from the blast of explosions from the Self-defense force's missiles used against Sakiel. Then, on their way to NERV, Shinji confides to her about his feelings towards Gendou. Misato empathizes, saying, "You're just like me," pointing to their commonalities.

She later consoles Shinji as he refuses to pilot Eva-01 and tells him to "Not run away from himself." At this point, she was already seeing herself reflected in Shinji, and those words were meant for herself as well.

After this point, Misato constantly finds herself reflected on Shinji. While it has a positive influence, like in episode 1, it also frequently caused Shinji to hurt. One criticism viewers lay on Misato is the sarcastic tone she sometimes takes when talking to Shinji about his actions. "You don't want to pilot the Eva? With that kind of determination…. What a pain!", Is one of the harsh words directed at Shinji. Even in episode 12, her cold reaction to Shinji's contemplation regarding Asuka is also, in its own way, infamous.

Yet, if we consider that she sees a lot of herself in Shinji, those lines come to represent her self-contempt rather than how she sees the fourteen-year-old. Misato was not really in the position to take care of teenagers if we consider her character flaws.

While such actions are worthy of criticism, there is room to empathize considering the traumas she had to endure, which has shaped the kind of "Adult" she became. As a young child, she was in the center of the Second Impact, and the psychological impact has led to her being mute for a few years. However, she seemed to have eventually recovered. Perhaps to compensate, we are told that she became an overly happy and talkative person. On top of this, she has studied hard and become a student at the Second-Tokyo city University. She met and began living with Kaji in the year 2005, at the age of twenty. According to Ritsuko, she even had a week-long sex marathon with Kaji, where neither of them left the house during the period.

To elaborate on her constant need for physical pleasure, we can start from the glimpse of her inner monologue we get during the instrumentality. We learn that it was one of the few things she had control over that made her feel alive when she was intimate with Kaji. Yet she breaks up with him because She saw a glimpse of her father reflected in him, although that was what got her attracted to him in the first place.

What are you embarrassed about? You wanted the man you love to see you for who you were. NO!

I wonder about that. You wanted your father to see you for who you were. That's not true!

We can identify Misato as struggling with Electra Complex (Oedipus Complex for girls) regarding how she views her father. She then attempted to quench the thirst for affection her father failed to provide her from a different man who felt similar to him. This can be observed through Kaji and Shinji. Two people sharing the same character flaws as her father (Workaholic and being bad at human interaction) being the two people she opened herself up to (Mentally, emotionally, and sexually). Misato was hoping to compensate for the loss she suffered and recover from her past trauma using her relationship with these two.

Consciously or unconsciously, she likely understood this side of herself. She felt disgusted by herself, leading to her breaking up with Kaji while punishing and labeling herself as someone "Undeserving to love." While her relationship with Kaji was open and overtly described in the series, some of you might wonder how Shinji is involved in this process. Especially regarding the sexual aspect of this analysis.

We can definitively say that Misato and Shinji do not share a simple Guardianship relation. But the discussion about Misato and Shinji can wait for now. First, let us discuss Hyuga Makoto.

Hyuga is seen approaching Misato as more than just a direct superior at work (Especially after Kaji's death). "Only if it's with you (I don't mind dying from the base self-destructing)." It is a telling line that highlights Hyuga's feelings that he begins acting on in the latter part of the series. Turning him into a more dimensional character. While Misato seems to be aware of such advances, we never see her acting on it. Neither accepting nor rejecting him outright. Since this is at the low point of her emotional journey, Misato would have been okay with anyone. Thus, it makes us wonder if there could have been more intimacy between the two off-screen. I'd argue that Hyuga died a virgin (or at least that there was no sexual relationship between the two) based on Hyuga's fantasy during the instrumentality.

To bring our discussion back to Kaji, we are shown that he was the first man she trusted and gave her first intimacy to. At the same time, she was someone Kaji was able to trust and be vulnerable with. We never see either of them refer to each other by their names. While the reason is not depicted, we can make an educated guess and say that it stems from their determination to interact professionally. Without letting their (embarrassing) past hinder their work.

But perhaps it was destined that this guise was not meant to be. In episode 15, we see the two confide in each other. Misato laments about her father and her regret of not being a good lover for Kaji. Kaji embraces and accepts her of it. The last time they ever shared a bed, Kaji gives her his final present. His death led to Misato shedding many tears, but the present helped guide her to her next step. Before this point, we see her constantly drinking her favorite beer, but never after this event. All we see her drink from then on is canned coffee, Kaji's favorite drink. And now, two peoples' worth of "Will" lived on inside her. One from her father, the other from Kaji.

Now, let's discuss the last "Male" in her life: Shinji. As mentioned earlier, Shinji was more than just a child under her care. Shinji's first introduction of Misato was through her photo that she sent him. It is a revealing photo of herself with arrows drawing attention to her breast. As a side note, the actual words in this image were written by Anno himself, and the lipstick mark was from one of the female Gainax staff.

From the photo, we can see that Misato wants Shinji to see her as more than a potential caretaker (as ethically should), but as someone of opposite gender and a "potential" love interest. Although, of course, we can brush it aside as a part of her quirky and fun-loving attitude. But the problem arises in the latter part of the series where this attitude crosses the line. The suspicion is confirmed in the official pamphlet's character introduction describing her as Shinji's family + co-worker + superior + "lover."

Misato: Shinji, I'm going in. This is about all I can do for you right now.

Shinji: No!

The scene central to this discussion happens in episode 23 when she takes her seat next to Shinji, who is grieving the death of Second Rei on his bed. Although surface-level reading is, Misato wants to hold his hands to comfort him. If that is the case, the line "This is all I can do for you right now" is unnecessary. And not only that, but Shinji's rejection of this advance is also too strong to justify the conclusion of the surface level analysis. If anything comes to mind about an act that two grown-up adults do on the bed is "Sex."

Even if we try to give the benefit of the doubt and stay at the surface-level conclusion that is psychologically comfortable, this is Evangelion. It refuses psychological comfort. The film book released by Gainax has a note about this scene that says, "Misato is attempting to give Shinji her body." This is even alluded to in the shot right before the line, the head of the chair being where Shinji's Penis would be, and Misato coming to sit right on top of it.

Throughout the series, both Misato and Asuka approach Shinji as the "Other sex." it's natural for Asuka since they are the same age. However, it is unnatural to think of Misato (Who is twice his age) approaching Shinji sexually (neither should be accepted). So let's dive into how Misato might think about that. As early as episode 2, we are shown Misato yelling at Ritsuko through the phone, saying, "There is no way I will lay my hands on a boy!". This is perhaps foreshadowing what she will be doing in the later part of the series. So what changed in her throughout the series that she would end up trying to lay her hands on Shinji sexually. Did she genuinely believe that it was the only way she can console Shinji? Or perhaps there was a more selfish reason, to distract herself from the sadness of losing Kaji? Well, it could be both. There is a middle ground and an explanation that I prefer. Kaji was the only man she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Because the best means of communication between the two have been sexual, she most likely believed this to be the most effective way to empathize and be vulnerable with Shinji.

We can see this as another manifestation of her Electra complex if we consider that Shinji also reminds her of her father.

As many of you are aware, Evangelion borrows concepts from psychology and is strongly influenced by Freudian psychoanalysis. Psychological terms are heavily used, especially in later episodes. The characters' internal conflicts are put into the spotlight in episodes 18, 19, and 20. All these episodes use terms from psychoanalysis for their title. Let me touch on each of them briefly over here. Episode 18's title is "Ambivalence." It refers to the coexistence of two conflicting emotions (Love and hate) regarding something and was coined by Eugen Bleuler in 1911. Freud borrowed this term in his analysis. His followers believed it to be an essential state that leads to the sadistic sub-phase of development. Episode 18 is also when the dummy-controlled Eva Unit-01 destroys Bardiel. Thus the title can also help us understand the Destrudo-led sadistic destruction of the dummy program.

Episode 19's title is "Introjection" and was a term heavily used by Freud. It is the unconscious adoption of the ideas or attitudes of others and a psychological defensive mechanism used by the ego to minimize anxiety. Almost every human being goes through this phase and is a part of healthy development as an individual. Episode 19 is when Shinji emits a strong dose of Destrudo and achieves a 400% synchronization rate. Here, we can try to explain the use of this term for the episode title in two ways. The first is to refer to the synchronization process of the pilot and the Evangelion. Secondly (and more specifically to the episode), to refer to Shinji becoming an individual that has become a part of Unit-01. Becoming a part of Unit-01 who have just absorbed the S2 engine and become as though god.

Last is episode 20, titled "Oral stage," and is the stage central to Freud's theory of Libido's development. Libido is the potential sexual energy, and Freud categorized the development into four distinct stages, starting with the oral stage. During this stage of development, the child clings onto its mother's breast for nourishment. This is also when the child begins to develop the ability to distinguish between themselves and the other. The significant happening of episode 20 is salvaging Shinji from Unit-01's Core, trying to bring Shinji back as an individual and away from the comfort of his mother. This can be seen to parallel the child leaving its mother's womb and coming to be born into its own person. And to add, they had to inject Libido into the Core to salvage him.

To return from our long detour, Evangelion is a series that heavily draws its conceptual inspiration from Psychology and Freudian psychoanalysis. What Freud posits, and perhaps most central to his scholarship, understands that desires created by both Libido and Destrudo, any forms of mental energy are irresistible and irrepressible. That is to say, if during one's development if any of such mental energies' expressions are disturbed and blocked off, it will results in the development of harmful coping mechanisms as an adult. In the case of Misato, her father's absence resulted in the absence of ways to healthily release her Libido. Therefore, Misato's inappropriate advance towards Shinji could manifested the harmful coping mechanism she developed as a child.

Losing her father as a child resulted in dysregulation in Libido. Losing Kaji, the only person she truly loved, left Masato broken. At this point, she had no other way to release her desires other than laying hands on a vulnerable child. When both Shinji and Penpen refused her the physical affection she needed, she could only find comfort in listening to Kaji's final voice message in repeat. Yet, she did not lose all possibility to recover. She was able to dry out her tears and began to follow the road her father once took. This leads her to analyze the evidence Kaji passes onto her and begins questioning the truth behind Rei. By the end, she manages to reach close enough to understand the "Truth." This is how she was able to explain to Shinji what was going on. She also experiences character growth through this process, becoming able to fully understand and empathize with the pain of others.

This is also when we see her starting to differ from Asuka. While both lost Kaji, whom they both loved, Misato comes to accept this loss and can carry herself as an adult. By the end, she was mature enough to send the grieving Shinji to Unit-01 during the End of Evangelion. While Misato has always convinced Shinji to get on the Eva, now, she was different from the past. Unlike in episode 4, where she emotionally manipulated Shinji into piloting Eva. Unlike episode 12, where she drew a hard line and coldly forced him. In EOE, she was no longer forcing Shinji out of her own hatred of the angels. All there was, was a grown adult's desire to convince a child that "Life is worth living." Even if she were to die during this process. All there was, was Misato's advice as an adult to the crying child. And it was this "will to live" that was passed on from Misato to Shinji.

Misato places her necklace on Shinji's hands and wraps his hands around it. Just as how she once held onto it while facing death in its face. Her father's memento. The love towards one's family. Hope for humanity. And all else that the cross symbolized. And the cross passed on from Misato to Shinji like the passing of the torch. To pass on the will to live. This was followed by a grown-up's kiss, just like how Kaji showed her, the perfect way to, perhaps the only way to fully communicate this will and pass it on. To want the other to continue living and hoping to live on as a part of their memory.

With the kiss, Misato stopped pretending to be Shinji's inept guardian.

She sent Shinji off, hoping that he could become a grown-up who can stand by himself.

Misato: You will be alone from this point on. You need to choose for yourself.

Shinji: No. I can't.

Misato: Crying isn't going to solve anything, either!

Misato: You hate yourself, don't you? That's why you hurt others. Deep down, you know that you suffer more when you cause someone else pain than if you just let yourself get hurt. But Shinji, that was your decision, so that makes it a valid choice. That's what you wanted, so that makes it worthwhile, Stop lying to yourself, and realize that you do have options. Then accept the choices that you made.

Shinji: But you're not me. You don't understand!

Misato: So what if I'm not you?! That doesn't mean it's okay for you to give up! If you do, I'll NEVER forgive you as long as I live.

Misato: I'm not perfect either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later, I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again. A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time, I learned something about myself.

Please, Shinji. You've got to pilot Eva and settle this once and for all. Find out why you came here. Why you exist at all.

And when you've found your answers, come back to me. Promise me. See you soon.

Kaji: Go and do what you can. No one will force that choice on you. Think for yourself and decide for yourself. GO and do what you must right now. So that you don't live to regret it.

Misato: If I had known it would end like this, I would have changed the carpet as Asuka suggested.

Many discussions about Eva centered around her last words, the one about the Carpet and Asuka. Most of the theories have interpreted it with the spilled coffee during the instrumentality scene. I'll touch on the scenes shown in instrumentality in future chapters. But for the discussion here, note that the coffee was not spilled on the carpet during the instrumentality scenes. So I'd instead interpret this line separately from it. Personally, I believe this to be Misato, as an adult, regretting not being as kind and compassionate as she could have been to Asuka.

Unlike Shinji, who she managed to pass on her will and true feelings, she did not have that privilege with Asuka. Instead, she wallowed in her sadness, not looking out for Asuka, who was herself suffering from traumas and grief. The regret of not being a good guardian and not making the home comfortable for Asuka would have hit her as waves of regret crashed in as she laid bleeding cold on the floor of section R-20.

After Shinji, who she just sent off, Asuka, who she feels sorry for, After Penpen, who was always there for her, Kaji now crosses her mind. Was she waiting for his praise for passing on his will to Shinji?

As though she can see him, she stares at the sky. Right before the explosion, we see Rei standing over her. Perhaps it was Lilith who traveled through time.

And we come to the final scene of the EoE. Shinji and Asuka are lying down on the shore, staring at the sky. At this moment, we are reminded of Misato through the cross, now nailed to a wooden post. The cross has come to symbolize Misato's hope and dreams for the two children who will now be growing up into two adults. Will Misato be able to revert back to her human form by her soul desiring it? Nobody knows. But I don't think that matters. Because now, Shinji carries on her will.

Let's continue when you get back.

I'm back. Welcome back.

Welcome Shinji, this is your new home.

I'm back.

Welcome back!

Sorry, made you wait!

TBC Chapter 24: Ritsuko Part 1 Mother and Daughter

[fefipranon]

Let’s talk about depression

In my latest book ‘The Power of Death’ I talk about this topic in depth. I will post the links to it at the end of this post if you are interested in reading it. If there is one part of the book that resumes the message that I wanted to transmit, it’s Mikasa’s (The main character) press conference at the end of the last chapter. 

It’s okay if you don’t read the whole book, but at least, read the following extract from the book (some stuff removed to avoid spoilers): 

Standing behind the podium Mikasa started the conference by saying, 

"Paradis island doesn't have studies about the topic we are about to discuss, but other countries do. In the United States, in 2019, a total of 47,511 Americans died by suicide and an estimated 1.38 million attempted it. [2] What about other countries? you may ask, well, overall, suicide was in the top 10 leading causes of death across Eastern Europe, Central Europe, high-income countries within the Asia Pacific, and Australasia. Within regions and countries, though, suicide rates soared among people with lower social and economic status. [3] This data comes from research made by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation in Washington, Seattle. [4] This goes without mentioning that for every suicide, it is estimated that there are seven to ten people intimately affected."[8]

Mikasa stopped to take a sip of water and looked back at the audience to continue her speech, 

"Untreated depression can, and possibly will lead to suicide, death. In biology, homeostasis is the state of steady internal, physical, and chemical conditions maintained by living systems. [5] Depression does have an impact on this. Research shows that the hippocampus is smaller in some depressed people. For example, in one fMRI study published in The Journal of Neuroscience, investigators studied 24 women who had a history of depression. On average, the hippocampus was 9% to 13% smaller in depressed women compared with those who were not depressed. The more bouts of depression a woman had, the smaller the hippocampus. [6] The hippocampus is not the only area of the brain affected by depression, the Amygdala, and Thalamus are also affected.[6] Depression is, and should be treated as, an illness that, if left untreated, can be lethal. Just remember the statistics I gave you about suicide at the beginning of my speech. With that data as the base of my argument, it is safe for me to say that depression is one of the top life-threatening illnesses having, in some countries, the top mortality rate overall."

A woman from the public raised her hand and when allowed to talk she said, 

"How can you call an illness to something that can be 'cured' by just talking to a so-called doctor about your issues?" 

Mikasa gave the woman a serious look and said, "Therapy, is not just talking. Psychotherapy stands over years of research and development going as back as the 19th century. There is extensive evidence of its effectiveness. Also, most cases of depression treatments include medication." 

Then a man shouted, "So now doctors will give our kids a bunch of pills just because the child is feeling a little sad?!"

"Several tests are usually performed before a psychiatrist gives a diagnosis of depression. Tests like: physical exams, lab tests, psychiatric evaluation, and the country's manual of mental health like for example the DSM-5 which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association, is applied. After that, the psychiatrist might do more testing to see if medication is an option. Because they are physicians, psychiatrists can order or perform a full range of medical laboratory and psychological tests which, combined with discussions with patients, help provide a picture of a patient's physical and mental state. Their education and clinical training equip them to understand the complex relationship between emotional and other medical illnesses and the relationships with genetics and family history, to evaluate medical and psychological data, to make a diagnosis, and to work with patients to develop treatment plans.[7] In other words, for a doctor to prescribe medication to your child, it has to first do an extensive evaluation on the kid before even start to consider medication in the first place. If in the end, medication is needed, then it would mean that your kid is not only 'feeling a little sad', it means that there is a deeper problem that needs to be addressed and the physician will have a lot of evidence to back up his claim.", Mikasa said. 

She stopped talking and pinched the bridge of her nose out of frustration, then she looked seriously at the same man she was addressing before, and said, "Would you rather lose your child to suicide or seek valid, scientific-based help to save the kid's life?"

The man was frozen in place. He was not expecting to be put in the spotlight this way. Mikasa noticed the teenage kid who was seated next to him with his head bowed to the floor. Before he could answer Mikasa said, 

"Do you even know how depression feels like? To have your own mind to conspire against you? To illogically feel worthless, alone, like nobody can understand you, or at least, nobody that hasn't been through the same darkness as you. Do you know how it feels when people tell you worthless crap like, 'get over it', or 'just stop being sad' like being sad is just an option you chose because apparently, you like to torture yourself? Have you ever contemplated to end your life out of desperation to get an out, a break, from your own mind?"

By this point, the kid was looking straight at Mikasa with tears pouring down his eyes. Mikasa knew she was getting through him. She grabbed the microphone and started to walk while resuming her speech, 

"To feel like you are constantly drowning. To feel like an ungrateful ass because logically, you should be happy because you have everything. But you aren't... Thinking that there must be something really wrong with you for you to feel this way without an apparent reason. To feel lost, alone with this feeling that is eating you inside slowly until it gets to the point where you desperately want to rip your soul out of your body. When it gets so bad that causing physical pain to your body is an option since, at least, for a brief moment, your mind focuses on the physical pain which is better for you because the emotional pain is so much greater than a little cut on your forearm."

The man realized that she was no longer addressing him but the person seated next to him, his own son. Mikasa stood right in front of his son and looked at him in the eyes. She lowered the microphone and while brushing her fingers through the kid's scars on his forearm she said to him, 

"You are not alone."

Then, she showed him her own scars and the kid stood up pulling her in for a hug while repeatedly saying, "Thank you"

Reporters were recording the whole encounter. It was real. Depression was real, and it was being recorded. The father of the kid sat back down while looking at his son in shock. Trying to find the words to say he just pulled him in for a hug while saying, 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You never really asked.", the boy replied. 

"I'm sorry. I will do better. You deserve better.", his dad replied with a broken voice. 

Mikasa lifted the microphone again to talk and said, "Depression is a silent killer. It could be your child, partner, parent... it could be closer to you than what you think. So before you speak about the topic remember that. Your words could be hurting one of your own for your lack of empathy."

She walked towards the podium again to start answering reporter's questions,

 "What would you say to someone who is going through this?"

Mikasa lowered her head lost in thought and said, "You don't need to have a traumatic event in your life to have depression. Depression is not just sadness and is not only caused by personality type or environmental factors. Genetics and biochemistry are also a big part of it, and those two have nothing to do with how much crap you've been dealt in life. What I am trying to say it's that, it's okay to not be okay, you don't need a reason to, and you don't need to feel worse about it for not having a reason. Being sad is not a right you earn after a certain amount of societally accepted shit has happened to you. Just seek help, see the situation logically, and not let people bring you down. If possible, educate others on the topic. Be the change you want to see in the world."

She paused, thinking of her own struggles with depression, and the stability and peace she finally felt once the pills started to work on her. Sure, dark thoughts still lingered at the back of her head, but, it was no longer unbearable, now, it was manageable. With time and therapy, she had managed to live with it, minimizing their negative effect on her. With this in mind, she said,

"Do not get frustrated if anti-depressants don't work at first, sometimes it takes a couple of tries with different types of medications to get the one that works for you. Researchers are exploring possible links between the sluggish production of new neurons in the hippocampus and low moods. An interesting fact about antidepressants supports this theory. These medications immediately boost the concentration of chemical messengers in the brain (neurotransmitters). Yet people typically don't begin to feel better for several weeks or longer. Experts have long wondered why, if depression were primarily the result of low levels of neurotransmitters, people don't feel better as soon as levels of neurotransmitters increase. The answer may be that mood only improves as nerves grow and form new connections, a process that takes weeks." [6]

She paused and looked at the crowd. Then, she said, 

"In the meantime, stay alive, even if it feels against your will. Do not give a permanent solution to a temporary problem, because trust me, it DOES get better."

Stay Alive

Feel free to share this to raise awareness. This book has all the things I wish someone had told me in my darkest moments, and I hope, it can help someone out there who is going through the same painful path in life. Remember, it's not your fault, you are not alone.

Resources used in this part: 

[1]  Oswego City School District Regents Exam Prep Center. Archived from on 25 October 2012. Retrieved 12 November 2012. URL: homeostasis

[2] American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: suicide-statistics

[3] global-suicide-rates-study

[4] Global, regional, and national burden of suicide mortality 1990 to 2016: a systematic analysis for the Global Burden of Disease Study 2016: content

[5]  Gordon., Betts, J. Anatomy and physiology. DeSaix, Peter., Johnson, Eddie., Johnson, Jody E., Korol, Oksana., Kruse, Dean H., Poe, Brandon. Houston, Texas. p. 9. ISBN 9781947172043. OCLC 1001472383.

[6] What causes depression? Harvard Medical School: what-causes-depression

[7] What Is Psychiatry? from the American Psychiatric Association. URL: what-is-psychiatry

[8] Lukas, Christopher; Henry M. Seiden (1997) [1987]. Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide. Northvale, New Jersey: Jaron Aronson. p. 5. ISBN 0-7657-0056-5.

Book Summary: 

Mikasa is a woman suffering from clinical depression. There is one thing that she is sure of: she wants to die. But when she received some unexpected news that makes her death wish a reality, she starts to wonder if that was really what she wanted. She starts a journey to discover the truth about her biological parents that gave her up for adoption when she was a baby. This journey will guide her to cross paths with someone as broken as her, someone that hates her to death for what her biological family did to him. Will she have the courage to, for once, fight to live? or will she let him drag her to hell with him?

The book is tagged as an ‘Attack on Titan’ Alternate universe fanfic but honestly you don’t need to know anything about the anime to read it. The story has nothing to do with it so feel free to read if you haven’t seen it. 

You can find the story in the following links: 

Archive of our own:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30452145/chapters/75087657

Wattpad:

https://www.wattpad.com/story/264598251-the-power-of-death

[petri808]

Bakudeku 31 days of winter ice skating prompt

No one is willing to work with rich but hot-headed pairs skater Katsuki Bakugou,  but he needs a partner if he wants a second shot at the Olympics. His coach is desperate and finds former hockey player Izuku Midoriya who was injured at the last Olympics and can no longer play who agrees to give it a shot. The journey pushes Katsuki to change his ways so he doesn’t lose the one partner who gives him a second chance.

It’s generally based on the movie The Cutting Edge. Angst & Fluffy AU. 10K Modern AU

“This is ridiculous!” Katsuki snaps at his coach while pointing to Izuku. “He can’t be the best option! He’s not even a figure skater! And what’s with the hair! It’s a fucking mess! Where are you from, the slums?! Baggy flannel, really?! You look like a hobo! What about that Iida guy I told you to get?! Or Kaminari?! Someone that’s at least in the fucking right sport?!”

Coach Eijiro Kirishima pinches his brow and sighs, “no one else is willing to work with you after your behavior at the last competition. So, it’s this or give up your chance at next year’s competition.”

As the two men argued, Izuku Midoriya just stood there confused in the doorway of a large expense home. All he knew, is the coach had contacted him and offered a generous paycheck to skate again with a partner. It wasn’t ideal and he had no experience with figure skating. But the check cleared, and he needed the money badly. After a devastating injury on the ice sidelined his hockey career, life was a struggle. It took six months just to heal and medical bills needed to be paid. He’d assumed Katsuki Bakugou knew what the coach was up to... but apparently not. “Um, Eijiro, if he really doesn’t want me here, I’ll leave.” Just seeing the explosive attitude Katsuki is exhibiting is making him nervous.

“No, no,” Eijiro moves back to Izuku, while glaring at Katsuki, “he does, he just doesn’t realize it yet.”

“Pfft!” Katsuki sneers back.

“O—kay.” This is going to be interesting...

Maybe interesting is the wrong word, hair-pulling is more like it. Katsuki’s parents are rich, hence the mansion he’s now rooming in and to top it all off the guy has a personal ice-skating rink! An ice-skating rink! No wonder Katsuki was such a brat! But— the man is good, like really good on the ice... Katsuki’s skill as a figure skater is breathtaking to watch as he glided across the smooth white surface. Elegant, strong, and very handsome. But then the man opens his mouth, shattering the fantasy, and Izuku remembers who he’s really dealing with.

“Argh! Get it right Deku! Toe pick! Toe pick! Toe pick! Fucking learn how to use it! Two fucking weeks and your still face planting!”

“I’m sorry, okay! We don’t use toe picks in hockey!”

“This is not gonna work Eijiro!” Katsuki snaps at the coach. “I’m done today! Come get me when he fucking learns how to skate!”

The two men watch Katsuki storm out of the building. Izuku flinches at the sound of the door slamming shut. “Sorry Eijiro. I had no idea figure skating is this difficult.”

“You’re doing fine Izuku. Just keep practicing. You’ll get it soon.”

Izuku was never a quitter and no matter how much his hot-headed partner put him down, it only fueled his drive to get better. Early every morning he would wake up and skate until his legs hurt, then he’d ice them down at night, and start the process again in the morning. In hockey, elegant wasn’t necessary and being a little sloppy on the ice didn’t matter because you were too busy keeping from being slammed up against bodies or walls. But if there was one thing, he truly hadn’t anticipated was the physical prowess required for figure skating. When you watch the sport on tv, no offense, but those skinny bodies in tight leotards doesn’t make one think of powerhouses... until you attempt to pull off the technical moves that they do and learn really quickly how hard the ice can be on a human frame. If Izuku thought his injuries from a hockey match were brutal, figure skating is quickly tallying up the bruises and cuts to take the lead.

It’s been six months into the training and Izuku was growing curious as to what had caused Katsuki to lose his former partner. Eijiro was hesitant to tell him but did lead him towards where to find the answer. So, late one evening, Izuku pulls up YouTube and punches in the description the coach had given him. The results were... surprising to say the least and frankly shocked him because the partner he’d grown to know just didn’t fit what he was seeing. He closes the app and tucks the information away for the time being. It wasn’t worth focusing on the past if he wanted to get through the present. He just needed to buckle down and practice so that when the nationals arrive in 5 months, he’ll be ready.

As the smaller of the two, it’s decided that Katsuki would be the base and Izuku would perform the lifts. Such an act requires a lot of skill in balance and trust which wasn’t exactly the partners forte at the moment.

“Kacchan, we need to practice you lifting me up.” Kacchan is his new nickname for Katsuki. He didn’t know if the man really liked it, but he’s never stopped him from using it.

“You’re not ready,” the man replies curtly.

“That’s why we need to practice!”

“And what, break your neck?! Izuku, you ain’t ready yet!”

“Katsuki, he is ready,” Eijiro counters. “And Izuku is right, you both need to practice the moves in order for it to be spot on. If you’re afraid—“

“I’m not fucking afraid! Fine! You wanna practice, well practice, but don’t you tell me I’m afraid of tossing his ass in the air!”

Three more months, that’s all the time they had left to get two routines down perfect. A short program and a long program. Just trying to remember all the moves is hard enough, but having to execute them in synchronized patterns, smooth transitions, with elegant refinement, someone please remind Izuku why he took the job again?! As a partner, Katsuki is such an asshole to work with. There were so many moments when Izuku questioned his sanity in staying. The money was helpful, but is it really worth the abuse? And yet... there were also the moments when Katsuki might say something nice or a random ‘good job’ to Izuku that made him think, maybe Eijiro was right after all. Maybe Katsuki just needed the right partner. One who’s able to handle his outbursts and see through the hardened facade he shows to the world. It might have been lonely growing up as only child... Izuku should know since he’s an only child. But he grew up surrounded by neighborhood kids. Perhaps Katsuki had been isolated in this mansion for most of his life, because that certainly would stunt his social abilities.

The month before the competition was a whirlwind of activities. Grueling practices, costume fittings... Katsuki was monitoring what Izuku ate and how much sleep he was getting, like a paranoid mother. It got so strange, that Katsuki moved Izuku out of the guest room and into his own in order to watch him more carefully. Granted that Katsuki had a California king sized bed with a lot of space, but it was still awkward for Izuku to share it with him! What if he snored or rolled— sometimes he moved in his sleep. Plus, Katsuki was an early sleeper while he was a night owl. They are such opposites in personality and behavior. The first night fried his nerves so badly Izuku barely slept, only to be cussed out the next morning because he couldn’t focus during practice.

“Kacchan, please, I rather sleep in the guest room!”

“I don’t care what you want, this tells me I need to keep a closer eye on you.”

Izuku groaned and pushed away off the ice to get lunch. He knew there was no arguing with Katsuki unless he was ready for a fight. Wasn’t getting a restful night of sleep the better idea if he was so worried?!

Their afternoon practice did nothing to help his frayed nerves. Katsuki was acting so strange lately. When he talked it’s more like screaming at him, but when they trained... Katsuki’s touch was gentle? Intimate. ‘Duh’that’s what pairs skating is! Izuku chides himself. Like a dance of two lovers on a floor of ice. ‘Sex on ice... Stop it!’ Izuku couldn’t stop the heat flooding to his cheeks. ‘Don’t think like that!’ Ugh, he groaned again, now the mental image is going to torture him and if things couldn’t be worse, Katsuki saw him blushing to himself looking like a weirdo. Thankfully, all it gained was a raised eyebrow. Izuku is gay, but Katsuki isn’t the type of guy he normally went for and he swore he saw a photo in the man’s bedroom of a woman.

Putting aside all the crazy thoughts, Izuku finishes the day without invoking anymore of Katsuki’s wrath. They had dinner quietly before he was forced to go to bed at 9pm. Izuku prepared for another sleepless night as he lay there stiff on his side facing away from the other male. There was almost 2 feet between them, so he tried to pretend he was all alone, just him in a strange bed. Like at a hotel on the very first night and you’re still adjusting to its nuances. It was a comfortable bed, probably expensive with soft, silky sheets, and even the pillows were some fancy memory foam type. Perhaps it was sheer exhaustion, for after a short amount of time, Izuku fell asleep while running the choreography through his mind.

‘Wow it’s really hot today...’ Izuku stirred unconsciously from the dream and pushed the blanket down to his torso. ‘Maybe Yagi will let me go home from work early today, cause it’s exhausting to hang drywall on days like this.’ Izuku tries to turn around but he couldn’t. Panic set in the dream, and the walls closed in around him. ‘What’s going on?!’ He was working and now he’s trapped! Izuku pushes the wall with his back only to feel pressure increase around his body. “What the?!” It instantly snaps his mind awake and suddenly the construction site turned into the dark room of Katsuki’s bedroom.

“Stop... f’ing... moving...” the gravelly voice mumbles right next to his ear!

Izuku’s eyes blow wide as he looks down and sees the arm around his torso, registers that the heat he’d experienced in his dream was Katsuki! ‘Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!’ Why was Katsuki spooned up to him?! With every breath from the sleeping man blowing along his neck and down his back, every fiber in his body shivered, sending too many electrical pulses misfiring and blood rushing to the wrong places! Katsuki hadn’t just rolled too close, this was an intimate embrace! This couldn’t be real! Izuku tries to pry the man’s arm away gently without waking him only to have his ass grabbed by Katsuki’s other hand.

“Go the fuck to sleep, Deku.”

Izuku squeals. He can’t take this anymore. They weren’t that kind of partners. “K-Kacchan! Wh-What, why?!

“Can’t you just take the hint and go with it. I don’t do the whole flirting nonsense.”

“Oh, my god.” Izuku breathes out, he’s serious! And though a part of him gravitated to the idea of having this handsome partner in a relationship, Izuku worried mixing business with pleasure would blow up at some point. “Kacchan. I’m flattered, more than you might know, but I think we should just be partners on the ice.”

There was silence for several minutes and Izuku started to wonder if Katsuki had fallen back asleep and didn’t hear what he’d said. But it was the calm before the storm. Without warning, Izuku was pushed so hard from behind, he flew off the bed and landed hard on the ground. “GET OUT!!” Katsuki raged. “Get the fuck out of my room! Get the fuck out of my house!”

Izuku couldn’t see the man on the bed through the darkness but could almost feel the anger on top of the sound. One pillow, two pillow landing close to where he lay on the floor, then a lamp crashes on top of his hip. Izuku screams, scrambling up despite the pain and stumbling for the door.

“I-I’m sorry Kacchan—.”

“Get the fuck out!! I don’t wanna see here you in the morning!”

Izuku wiped away blinding tears as he packed up his few belongings to leave the mansion in the dead of night. He’d paused at Katsuki’s bedroom door on his way out; was the man crying behind it? It was hard to image the hot head crying but those were clearly the sounds of sobbing coming through. Izuku hung his head, fuck! He really messed up this time. But what could he do? Katsuki told him to go, and this was his house. He writes a quick note and slips it under the coaches door before taking a cab to the train station. The competition was only 2 weeks away, what about that? Is Katsuki going to throw away his chance to compete? Then again, people do crazy things because of emotions.

When he arrives at the station, Izuku find out that the next train to his town won’t arrive for another 6 hours. Just great. None of the food stalls were open at 2am, so he drops onto one of the benches and uses his duffle bag as a pillow. He sets the alarm on his phone and tries to get some sleep... that doesn’t come easily. Could he have handled the situation better? Okay, it wasn’t fair to blame him for making Katsuki cry. It’s not like the man gave any indication he was interested in Izuku in a romantic sense. Who does that?! Just forces someone to sleep in their bed and surprises them by spooning up in the middle of the night?! “just take the hint...” “Argh!” Izuku curls to his side and covers his face to block out the light. ‘This is not my fault! Stupid Kacchan!’ Tomorrow will be a new day. He’ll go home and just start over. Who needs Katsuki...........

“Wake up Izuku.”

“Ugh... go away,” Izuku groans and slaps away the hand shaking him.

“Izuku, get up. I’m here to take you back to the mansion.”

Wait, what?! Izuku opens his eyes, this can’t be happening. “Eijiro?!” He sits up, shaking his head and waving his hands to wipe away the man’s statement. “Please no! I don’t wanna go back there.”

“Look, I don’t know what exactly happened, and Katsuki isn’t telling me anything, but if you leave now all that work is for nothing and you don’t strike me as a quitter.”

Izuku shakes his head. “I’m not, but I don’t see how Katsuki would be willing to be partners. It’ll be uncomfortable for both of us.”

“He has no choice. This year’s national’s determines who goes to the Olympics.”

“What?!”

Eijiro grins. “Oh, did I forget to mention that?”

“Um, yeah! I-I signed up to— you know I was already concerned about nationals but now you’re telling me this is for a bid to the Olympics?! No! No! N-O, no way. I-I’m barely hanging on as is keeping up with figure skating!”

“Izuku think about it this way. You’ve both had a shot at the Olympics that were dashed. This is your second chance.”

“What do you mean both? Katsuki’s competed in the Olympics?”

“Yeah, the same year as you. I was surprised you didn’t recognize him.”

“I didn’t pay attention to the other sports because I was too busy worrying about my team.”

“Well,” Eijiro asks again. “Don’t you wanna have a second shot at gold?”

“Pfft,” Izuku sighs, “let’s just see if I can survive nationals.”

“Wonderful! Come on,” Eijiro grabs Izuku’s bag, “breakfasts on me.”

When they arrive at the mansion and walk into the house, Katsuki is standing in the living room with his arms crossed just glaring death daggers. Izuku gulps hard as he stands behind Eijiro who’d told him to let him handle Katsuki when they arrived. He was ready for the cursing, but the man just stood there.

“A-Are you sure it’ll be okay?” Izuku quietly questioned the coach. “He’s not gonna kill me in my sleep?”

“Well, at least not until after nationals.” Eijiro stared at Katsuki as he spoke. “Because he knows he has no choice.”

“Tch,” Katsuki stomps away.

‘This is gonna be a lo—ng 3 weeks!’

Excruciating to be exact. If there’s something that became brutally clear through this year to Izuku, is that in pairs skating, the chemistry between the skaters plays a role in how well they are received. They could be as technically perfect as required, but they won’t win over the audience and possibly even the judges if you can’t ‘feel’ their routine.

Their practices became mundane and performances, robotic. Katsuki didn’t touch Izuku in the same ways he had before, and he was noticing it more than ever. He realized the night Katsuki had made a move wasn’t the first time after all. Katsuki had been flirting with Izuku in his own subtle way, but he’d never caught on to it. That made Izuku feel even worse, but he also couldn’t go back on what he’d said because he meant it. Risking a relationship meant risking their careers. If they could just get through nationals and make the top 2 spots, they’ll get into the Olympics next year. So, despite the emotionless aspect of their routine, it was as good as they were going to get it to, and they were ready to take the risk...

But it still hurt.

The backstage area of the skating arena was a mad house with all the competing singles and pairs skaters cordoned off in their own dressing areas. Katsuki’s parents spared no expense on a team to get them ready. Perfect outfits, hair, and makeup to make them pop for the cameras. They looked amazing in their complimentary outfits, a perfect couple by design in every way except reality.

Ever since the night of the fight, Katsuki only spoke to Izuku as necessary in gruff tones. He would even look in his direction and never made eye contact during the practices. Eijiro tried so hard to talk to him. ‘You need to sell the illusion Katsuki. No one’s gonna buy your routine if you won’t even look at the man!’ But the hot head was unflinching in his stubbornness. His face would be towards Izuku, but his eyes looked elsewhere, and smiles were non-existent.

They were next in line, so the runners called them to the waiting area. As the pair stood and watched the performance going on before them, Izuku noticed Katsuki’s expressions growing angrier and angrier. It was his old partner with a new partner doing an amazing routine. Izuku recognized the man from the YouTube video as Shouto Todoroki and his female partner was fairly new to this level of the sport, named Momo Yaoyorozu. Had they been a couple, Izuku started to wonder, is that why Katsuki was so angry? Shouto and Momo’s scores elevated them straight to the number one position.

As they walked off the ice, both skaters smiled and nodded to Izuku, who returned the gesture with a bright smile. He had nothing against them even though they were rivals.

“No hard feelings Katsuki,” Shouto stuck out a hand.

But Katsuki slapped it away, “fuck off ice boy.”

Izuku immediately steps between them. “Sorry, K-Kacchan is just stressed.”

“Don’t talk to them Deku!” Katsuki grabs his hand and pulls him towards the ice.

As Izuku does as he’s told, he sees Shouto shaking his head in pity and he couldn’t blame the guy. Shouto seemed genuine, but it was Katsuki being the asshole. Needless to say, going into a routine angry was not the best idea.

“Kacchan, please,” speaking softly, Izuku begged one last time as they took up their positions. “Because you look too angry.”

“Don’t worry about me and just make sure you don’t screw up!”

‘Argh!’ “Got it.”

If there was one good thing, he could say about Katsuki, is the man is a machine and once the music starts, he’s all business, executing each step with precision like nothing was bothering him. Izuku too, stayed on track, meeting and exceeding his own expectations. He had been so worried that when the pressure really hit, he’d freeze up, make mistakes, and cost them this opportunity. The routine ends right on point to the wild sounds of clapping in the audience. It takes them a few moments to catch their breath before breaking apart. He tries and is rebuffed by Katsuki to hold hands as they bowed. Nevertheless, Izuku catches himself and plays it off, not wanting to appear unhappy for the judges. He thought they’d done an amazing job! At no point can he remember either making a mistake. Everything was right on point, especially the moves that carried the highest point values. They had to get 1st place! But when they stepped into the waiting box as the scores are tallied and posted, it wasn’t to be. The technical points were flawless, but the judges ranked them lower in components score... clearly the judges saw well and clear this pair was not a matching pair at all.

Katsuki storms away to the backstage area livid.

“This is all your fault Izuku!”

“My fault!” Oh, that’s it, Izuku wasn’t gonna hold back anymore. “I warned you, Eijiro warned you! You’re fucking attitude is what killed us! Every—body sees what an asshole you are except you!” He flails his arms in contempt. “A spoiled brat that can’t handle being told no!”

“You fucking take that back!” Katsuki lunges at Izuku who counters and pushes him away.

“I’m done!” Izuku screams and starts to walk away but turns back. “Oh, and for the record. I saw your last skate and Shouto did nothing wrong. You screwed up, you! Your hand slipped in the lift. No wonder you can’t keep a partner!”

Katsuki is so shocked, his mouth slams shut.

Eijiro tries to keep Izuku from leaving, but he’s done. They were in 3rd place and the odds of the last pair screwing up was slim to none because they were also former Olympic level skaters. But just as Izuku steps away they hear it over the PA, “oh, no! She fell!”

Their coach turns excitedly to the two men, “we are in!”

“No, we are not,” Izuku states matter of fact and walks away. This time he really is done. Done with all the fights and uncomfortable, complicated emotions. Going back to the Olympics would have been... the tears well up, but he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, before continuing his stride out of the room. It would have been amazing, but he’s not turning around this time. He can hear Eijiro calling his name. He can hear the sound of something smashing against the wall... it won’t change his mind. If Katsuki can’t change his attitude, then why should he have to put up with it? It’s not fair to him. A part of him once gave the man the benefit of doubt, but perhaps Izuku should have taken a hint from all the partners of his past. Katsuki Bakugou will never change. His arrogance destroys all of his relationships, and that’s not the kind of man Izuku wants anything to do with.

He grabs his belonging from the hotel room, checks out and goes straight to the airport without looking back. The whole ride home, Izuku sat in first class with his cap kept down low to avoid human interaction. It was a four-hour flight back to the mansion and his plans were to grab all of his stuff and leave before Katsuki and Eijiro could get home too. A whole year wasted... Izuku cried softly to himself in the darkened cab of the plane. Now he’ll just go back home to Minnesota and pick up where he’d left off. Going back to working with his brother in construction wasn’t the worst thing. At least he wouldn’t have to put up with being yelled at all the time or being treated like shit. And hey, he could figure skate now! Maybe he’ll find a new partner like Shouto had done. Oh, that would piss Katsuki off so bad! Izuku snorts a small laugh. He never considered himself the vindictive type, but the thought made him laugh at least.

Back home, Katsuki stood in the empty doorway to the room Izuku was using, quiet, his head lowered, not listening to the words Eijiro was saying to him. They’d arrived at the silent mansion and deep down he knew Izuku wouldn’t be there, but that didn’t make the pain hurt any less. They’d hidden the fight from the media and Olympics committee, so as far as the world knew, they would be representing the United States in pairs skating.

“We’ll need to find a replacement Katsuki... we’ll just make up a story that Izuku got an injury or something to smooth it over.”

But Katsuki doesn’t respond to the coach and simply walks away, slamming his bedroom door closed. He falls back against it, slumping down to the floor with his knees up, arms wrapped around them and his head down. This wasn’t the first-time people have walked away from him, fought with him, but Izuku was different from all the rest and when that man walked away without looking back, Katsuki felt something he’d never experienced before. Problem was, he didn’t know what it was! And so, his only recourse was to resort to what he knew which is anger. He’d smashed the makeup case against the wall and broke a mirror with the costume stand.

How dare Izuku stand up to him like that?! As far as he was concerned, he built that man into a figure skater, gave him a new career path better than some stupid construction job! This was an opportunity of a lifetime! He’d even offered Izuku a chance to be his boyfriend, doesn’t he realize what an honor that is?! Katsuki knows exactly how good he is, and any man or woman would kill to have him as their boyfriend! Yet this guy turns him down?! Ridiculous! Just walks away from going to the Olympics?! His fist is clenched so tight, he can feel the pain of his nails digging into the palm. He was so angry! So furious! So... destroyed... Izuku turned his back on him. Fuck him! Fuck— why does he care so damn much! He’ll just get a new partner. He’ll make someone else’s dreams come true...

But he didn’t want anyone else...

No, fuck that! Katsuki jumps to his feet. Izuku was beneath him. How could he have every thought this man could fit into his circle? The guy was a former hockey player from some rural town, while he came from wealth for fucks sakes! Yeah, fuck him! Know what?! Fuck everybody!

Katsuki pulls out his phone and dials his mother. “I’m going on vacation for two weeks... no. Not with him, we— I’m going alone cause I need a break!” Click Next, he calls an airlines and books the first flight to anywhere, he didn’t care where, he just wanted to leave that night. The only option for first class was Hawaii. Oh, good, they had a vacation home there anyways. Katsuki packs a carry-on of just essentials, too irritated to pack a full suitcase. He can buy more clothes when he gets there. Before he leaves, he writes a note for Eijiro with explicit instructions not to contact him until he returned. He slips it under the man’s door then takes his car to the airport since his driver is off for the rest of the night. This whole year left him emotionally unstable, so maybe some beach time and relaxation was the cure.

It was early in the morning by the time Katsuki had arrived at their vacation home on the picturesque Kohala Coast of the Big Island of Hawaii. He’d called ahead for a limo service to pick him up and drive him the 50-odd miles from the airport in Kailua Kona, and the groundskeeper to prep the house for his arrival. His plan was to do nothing but drink, relaxing alone, and to sort out whatever it was that plagued him. He’d slept for most of the ride over, but his mind would keep going back to Izuku. He tosses his bag onto his bed and walks straight to the kitchen for a shot of something, anything he didn’t care.

“ARGH!!!” Katsuki growls in the empty house. “Why the fuck can’t I stop thinking about him!!!” He takes a longer swig of the hard liquor before capping it off and heading the shower. It’s been about 36+ hours since his last one before the competition.

Day in and day out, Katsuki’s depression takes hold, alternating between fits of anger and crying until he passed out from the amount of liquor he’d consumed. The poor housekeeper that came each day, did her best to steer clear, cleaning up after those fits, to keeping the pantry stocked with bottles of liquor to avoid his wrath. For the life of him, Katsuki couldn’t understand why, of anything. Angry and feeling jilted by his partner. Confused as to why Izuku’s leaving hurt so damn much. He’d never experienced this level of despair before, just couldn’t fathom what was really causing it... okay, that was a lie. Katsuki knew damn well why he was so upset, but he just couldn’t bring himself to accept it. And so, he drank his emotions away, buried it under a tidal wave of alcohol and lived in a stupor of dreamless misery.

“Oh, thank goodness,” the housekeeper greeted Eijiro. “He’s passed out in his room.”

“Thank you, Ke’ala.” Eijiro thanks the woman and enters Katsuki’s bedroom. He rips the curtain open.

“Time to get up Katsuki! You need help.” The man on the bed is so drunk, he doesn’t even flinch. Eijiro pulls harder on his leg. “Get up Katsuki!”

The drunk mumbles something, then rolls onto his side. “You leave me no choice Katsuki.” Eijiro picks up the dead weight and carries him into the shower. He puts the man onto the shower floor fully clothed, then turns it on full blast, hitting him dead center in the face. That wakes Katsuki up real, quick!

“What the fuck?!” The man defends against the cold water, flailing his arms pitifully, and scrambling along the tiled floor until his back hits a wall. He wipes his face, “I told you not to contact me till I returned!”

“First off, your parents pay my bill and they’re the ones who sent me. Second, take a goddamn shower cause you stink to hell. Then meet me in the living room.” Eijiro tosses some clean clothes onto the counter and walks away without another word. He hears Katsuki swearing behind him, but he didn’t care.

Thirty minutes later an angry but sober, cleaner Katsuki walks into the living room and plops down onto a couch opposite of Eijiro who pushes a cup of hot coffee towards him. He takes the cup and starts to drink it, though his expression remained accusatory, with furrowed brows, just glaring at the coach. “What do you want Eijiro?”

“Do you even realize you’ve been gone a month?”

No... he hadn’t but, “what’s your point?” Katsuki retorts because he didn’t want to show he cared.

“Do you or don’t you want to go to the Olympics?”

“Of course, I do. But y’all were right all along. No one wants to be my partner, so guess that means I’m done.”

Eijiro sucks in a breath at the revelation. This was the first time he’d ever in their seven-year working relationship heard this man admit a failing. He was a little caught off guard, but in a good way. “Katsuki,” Eijiro sighs, “is this the first time you’ve ever been in love?”

Katsuki puts his cup down and leans forward. “What did you just say to me?!”

“You heard me. Just admit it, you’re in love with Izuku Midoriya.”

“Get out!” Katsuki jumps up and points at the door.

“I’m not leaving. The only way to get past this is to accept the fact you’re in love and because he left you, you’re angry and confused. You pushed him away— admit it to yourself for once in your life and just own up to it!

“I-I’m not in love with Izuku!” His hands fly up and grip to the sides of his head. All of this commotion and the emotions coupled with a hangover is creating a storm of a headache. “I’m not! I’m not! I’m not!” He shakes his head as tears start to flow. “Why is this happening to me?! I-I can’t be in love with him!” Katsuki’s hands drop, but flail in front of him. “And so, what if I am, he turned me down! I have nothing to go back to, no Olympics, no Izuku, just an empty mansion, so just let me drink myself into oblivion!” He drops back onto the couch, cradling his face in his hands as the dam of tears burst free. “Just leave me alone, please.”

Eijiro gets up and kneels in front of Katsuki, placing a hand on the man’s knee. “It’s not too late to fix things. Izuku is angry because of how you treated him, but he doesn’t hate you.”

“You don’t know that,” he grumps back.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure about it. In fact, I’m quite certain he likes you too, but the way you handled approaching him, scared him. Katsuki, relationships... they require honesty, sincerity. You can’t force someone to love you. You have to make them feel loved and appreciated.”

“I don’t... know how. I don’t know what he wants! A-And I’m not good at showing my emotions.”

“Why don’t you try talking to him? Be honest with him and tell him how you feel.”

Katsuki pauses for several minutes as if his coaches words are truly sinking in. Is it really possible? Could he do it? But he’d been such an asshole to Izuku, who in their right mind would give him a second chance. Because he certainly would not... and maybe that was part of his problem. He couldn’t handle the rejection, and so he did what he knew how to do which is lash out, and that’s exactly what he did to Izuku. Katsuki sighs forlornly, “I don’t deserve a second chance.”

“Everyone deserves a second chance Kacchan.”

Katsuki’s heart stops at the sound of Izuku’s soft voice, too afraid to even look up and confirm it wasn’t a figment of his imagination. If Izuku was really here, does that mean he’d heard and saw everything from the moment Eijiro had arrived too?!

Eijiro squeezes Katsuki’s knee. “When I told Izuku what we saw you doing here, he agreed to help bring you home.”

“S-Saw?” Katsuki closes his eyes and whispers.

“This place has security cameras. So, after three weeks had passed by and you still hadn’t come home, your parents pulled up the footage and showed it to me. If I knew things were this bad, I would have come sooner.”

Katsuki’s eyes only tighten when he feels the cushion next to him depress, and the scent of Izuku’s cologne hit him, to block a new wave of tears from escaping. He had no idea how much of the footage they’d seen, but it was highly likely they’d seen the days and weeks passing by with Katsuki drinking almost non-stop. He barely ate or took care of his personal hygiene, because he’d stopped caring, and all he wanted to do was numb his pain.

“Kacchan... I didn’t mean for you to hurt yourself like this. I was— still am upset about things, but like Eijiro said, I don’t hate you and if you’re willing to work with me, like a real partner, then... then I’ll come back. But we need to set some rules, like respect. You can’t keep yelling at me and expect me to stick around.”

Katsuki looks up. “But why would you give me a second chance?”

Izuku blushes and voice softens, “because Eijiro is right. I do have a small crush on you.” But when he sees Katsuki’s face brighten, he quickly adds to his statement. “I-I’m still torn about it, s-so please don’t take that as I wanna jump into a romantic relationship right now. I’m the kind of guy that likes some sentiment, to be wooed or swept off their feet. It’s gotta build up to a point where I’ll be comfortable with the idea, because mixing business with pleasure scares me. Just look at what happened when I turned you down. It ruined everything.”

“I guess I never thought of it that way,” Katsuki breathes out. “This is all new territory to me, and I really don’t know how to handle it.”

“See, this is great!” Eijiro cuts in. “You guys are talking like civilized people, it’s wonderful.”

“Are you done?” Katsuki grumps.

“That depends if you’re ready to start fresh and get back to training together?”

“Kacchan?” Izuku looks over beside him. “I’m willing.”

Katsuki sighs, his heart desperately wants to, but he knows it won’t be easy to control his feelings for Izuku. “I’ll give it a try.”

The trio spends one more week in Hawaii, to give Katsuki time to fully recover from all the alcohol consumption as well as simply enjoy a Hawaii vacation. It was the first time Izuku had ever been to Hawaii and wow, he couldn’t get enough of all the food choices! And the sunsets were just stunning, glistening off of the water! So many colors, it was like heaven greeting earth each clear day.

“I’ll bring you back here on vacation,” Katsuki tells Izuku one day as they’re roaming the Waikoloa shops. “I mean, if you want to.”

Surprised, but happy by the gesture. “That’d be really nice Kacchan.” Since they had to stay longer than expected, Katsuki insisted on buying Izuku some clothes and souvenirs to take back home. He tried to refuse, but the man wasn’t taking no for an answer. It was the least he could do, was the reply for putting up with him. Katsuki also refused to step into any shop he deemed of low quality, so the King’s Shops at Waikoloa is where they went. Tori Richard’s, Tommy Bahama, and Michael Korrs, all places Izuku would never have shopped at.

As they sat in the dining room of Roy’s Waikoloa bar & grill, Izuku stares out over the manmade lake next to the shopping center. He’d adjusted to fancier food because that’s all Katsuki’s cook would make but sitting there with the man in a restaurant was a totally new experience. It was really nice, and for possibly the first time since they’d met a year ago, Izuku relaxed.

He didn’t expect a miracle, or for Katsuki to suddenly change overnight for that would be unfair, but as long as the man tried, Izuku wouldn’t leave like he’d done before. Oh, but was it tough in the beginning! In Hawaii, Katsuki could control his outbursts, but the moment the pressures of training kicked in, so to, did his old personality. Unlike before, Izuku was quicker to say something, telling him to stop before he says something he’ll regret. It seemed to do the trick. The man would stop and move on. After a month, Katsuki started to catch himself, literally mid-sentence stop, and walk away. Izuku wished he’d be more open with him instead of running away, but it was definitely an improvement. By the third month back, he even apologized. Izuku remembered the first time Katsuki said sorry and after a moment of shock, he smiled and said it was okay.

But there was one thing he hoped would come back. He still remembers the heated tingles he’d feel when Katsuki would hold him in positions. It was lost after their fight, and the man almost seemed, afraid, to touch him in the wrong way. Afraid he would make Izuku uncomfortable and risk chasing him away again. He didn’t know how to convey such a desire without confusing Katsuki and opening up a door he wasn’t ready to walk through yet. So, Izuku kept his mouth closed and focused on encouraging the man to keep improving on his social skills.

With six months left until the Olympics, the pair had their short program already choreographed and perfected. That left the long program, and the most important skate of their careers left to solidify. It was a skaters last opportunity to showcase a brilliant program and garner the highest amount of points possible.

“We need a showstopper, something new, something so damn amazing the judges will have no choice but to give us the win!” Katsuki tells Eijiro. “Whatever you need, choreographers to help you, I’ll get it.”

“Well...” the man picks a folder up from his desk, tapping it in his hand before opening it and pulling out a few sheets. He walks over to the ice where the two men were standing, slowly placing each sheet down onto the ice as he spoke. “There is one thing that my old mentor passed down. It’s never been used— because the difficulty level makes it quite impossible.”

Izuku picks up the first sheet, “it’s basically a bounce, spin into a toss, spin?”

“That’s illegal,” Katsuki looks over the man’s shoulder at the paper. “We can’t do an illegal move!”

“Legal, illegal, it’s more of a gray area,” Eijiro clarifies, “just extremely difficult.”

The longer Izuku stares at it, the worse the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. “K-Kacchan would have to spin me like a centrifuge, throw me, then catch me...” he mumbled out as the blood drains from his face. “This defies the laws of gravity and if he slips...” he doesn’t finish the sentence, but the image in his head was of a face scraped off and bloody.

“It takes a lot of skill, a lot of practice, and above all trust between the partners.”

“I don’t know...” Izuku mumbles.

“I think we can do it. Hell yeah! This would win us gold! Come on Izu, don’t you wanna win?!”

“Of course, I do, but—.”

Katsuki grabs Izukus hands, holding them firmly with such excitement behind his eyes and a sultry charm to his voice. “I really think we can do this together.”

“O-Okay,” Izuku melts under Katsuki’s sway. “I believe in you.”

“No. I believe in us.”

Izuku’s eyes widen, his heartbeat speeds up, and all those tingles rush over him. Their eyes meet and hold as seconds silently pass. The cold air of the room disappears, replaced by the warmth centered from their conjoined hands. In that moment, Izuku was willing to believe, that yes, they could pull it off if they trusted each other.

Eijiro clears his throat, “I take that as a go ahead... so!” He claps his hands. “This will be incorporated as the finale of the program.”

“Way to kill the mood man.” Katsuki grumps causing Izuku to blush.

They order custom made training outfits designed to be aerodynamic but with padding in specific areas to absorb shock from falls. It was a brutal regime, especially on Izuku’s body and nothing in his past experience with hockey could compare. Rigging could only be used as they practiced the solitary spin itself, so when they practiced without it, he suffered fall after fall, tossed onto the ice when Katsuki lost his grip on Izuku’s legs. Frankly, it’s a miracle he never broke a bone, but bruises and cuts often slowed the training down. Katsuki himself added upper body workouts to strengthen and increase his ability to not only hold onto Izuku but control the spin. Remember, this is still part of a choreographed piece to music, so timing was everything. It fell on his shoulders not to screw up and miss a step. Three months into this intensive training, Izuku finally demanded a break after a particularly brutal fall that was a breath away from dislocating his right shoulder.

“I brought you dinner,” Katsuki walks into Izuku’s bedroom where he’s resting. It was wrapped by a doctor and he was told not to use that arm for the next five days just to make sure it didn’t get worse.

“Aww, thank you Kacchan.” Izuku smiles, “you didn’t have to.”

“It’s fine.” He tries to hide his blush. “I feel bad cause I messed up again.”

Izuku takes Katsuki’s hand causing the man’s blush to grow, and squeezes, smiling, and conveying more than words ever could.

With one month to go, the pair had everything in their long program down solid, except for the new move which they’ve decided to name in honor of Eijiro’s mentor, the Pamchenko. They’ve landed it twice successfully in the last two months, and the probability of sticking it under pressure at the Olympics was slim. So, with time running out they practiced a separate move instead to fill the void. It was still pretty spectacular, but not as jaw dropping.

Katsuki’s frustration had returned much to Izuku’s disappointment and he did his best not to anger the man. It sucked to be walking on pins and needles all over again, especially because being so close to the end, quitting would be crazy. Izuku just grit his teeth and ignored the man’s tirades, then cried himself to sleep some nights in his bedroom. They’d had six months of doing so well... he really thought Katsuki was changing for the better and growing into the kind of man Izuku would get into a romantic relationship with. But worst of all, is Katsuki hasn’t noticed his effect on his partner.

Izuku flops onto his bed after dinner and lets out a deep exhale, staring at the ceiling. ‘Maybe you really can’t change some people.’ Win or lose, once the Olympics was over it was time to say goodbye to Katsuki Bakugou.

There’s something to be said about the starting of the games and the walk the Olympians do. All dressed in the colors of their countries, head held high waving to the fans as their flags signal, their arrival. It’s a proud moment that such a small number of athletes in the world ever get to experience. Through blood, sweat, and tears, this was it, this is what they’d worked so hard for years to achieve. It was a second chance for he and Katsuki to shoot for their gold medal dreams. Which is really about pride not monetary gain. It’s to prove you’re the best in the world.

The morning of the short program was spent getting prepped like usual. Costumes, check. Hair and makeup, double check. Skates shined and sharpened. Music provided to the program director. There was nothing more for them to do but wait until it was their turn. Izuku focused on staying calm and not hurling up his breakfast, while Katsuki paced like a caged animal listening over the P.A. for the results as one by one each countries teams took the ice. They could go and watch the performances, but that might fry their nerves even more than it already was. Then again watching Katsuki pace wasn’t helping either, so Izuku steps out of the dressing area and into the hall for a break.

“Izuku Midoriya?” A voice spoke from his left.

“Yes?” He turns to look and smiles. “Oh, hello Mr. Todoroki. Heading up?”

“Soon. I just wanted to congratulate you on making it this far.”

“That’s really kind of you. Congratulations as well to you and Ms. Yaoyorozu.”

“Also, for surviving Katsuki. You must be quite the man to stick around.”

‘If only you knew.’ “Um, thanks,” Izuku chuckled nervously, praying that Katsuki couldn’t hear them from inside the room. “It’s been interesting to say the least.”

“So, you plan on staying his partner after this?”

Izuku pauses, debating whether to speak up or pretend nothing was wrong. But who was he kidding, Shouto had worked with Katsuki and was his partner at the last Olympics. This man would probably know if Izuku tried to lie about anything. He lowers his voice, head shaking in emphasis of his words. “No, well, I haven’t fully decided yet.”

“Well, if you don’t give me a call. I’ll help you find a new partner.”

“Oh. Wow. Thanks!”

Shouto tips his head. “Good luck to you Izuku Midoriya.”

He smiles. “Good luck to you too, Mr. Todoroki.”

The smile on Izuku’s face stays firmly planted as he watches the man walk away. Shouto Todoroki was easy on the eyes for sure, and he appreciated how nice he was unlike his own partner. Yaoyorozu was a lucky woman in more ways than one ever since they’d announced their engagement two months back. Ah, well. One day he’ll get lucky in the love department too. Still smiling to himself, Izuku goes back into the dressing room, but instead of a pacing Katsuki he finds a glaring one looking right at him.

“Kacchan, are you okay?”

Unlike in the past, the man says nothing and doesn’t respond. He can see Katsuki’s fists clenched at his sides as if he was barely controlling his anger. Had the man heard his conversation with Shouto?! Well, you know what? After all he’s been through, he didn’t care if he had. “Fine, ignore me. We’re up soon, so be ready.” Izuku walks back outside without missing a beat. He was through with Katsuki’s behaviors.

So, surprise, surprise, the short program was like a repeat of their qualifiers. Perfect technical scores, but the components... high skating skills, high transitions, compositions, and interpretations... mediocre on the performance element. Their whole vibe lacked an emotional tie to the music or each other and the judges reamed them for it. At this level of competition, when scores differed by fractions of points, the smallest misses could be your death sentence. It left them in 4th place, 2 levels below the other American team. To reach gold now required an extraordinary long program.

The limo ride was tense the entire way back to the rented villa, with Eijiro stuck in the middle of two men refusing to even look at each other. “This is why you scored low!” He snaps at them the second they walk into the front door. “You,” he points at Katsuki. “Your anger is killing this team! I had such high hopes for you both, but without the Pamchenko, it’s over!”

“Tch!” Katsuki crosses his arms, “I ain’t got no problem with that.”

Eijiro opens his mouth to counter, but it’s Izuku who snaps first. “You, selfish, spoiled brat! It’s easy for you to say cause you’re not the one taking the greatest risk and I’ve already left the Olympics once with a sidelining injury, so I’m not gonna risk it again!” Tears break free unencumbered as he walks straight up to Katsuki and slaps him as hard as he can across the face. “Just when I’d started to fall in love you reverted back to this,” motioning up and down at the shocked male, “the asshole who only cares about himself! How could someone like you ever love me?! How?!” Izuku screams at the top of his lungs... then silences his tears, “you can’t, not like this.” He runs away to his room, slamming the door, and leaving a flabbergasted Katsuki standing there like a fool.

“He’s right,” Eijiro walks up and stares him down. “All these years I’d hoped you would change— that he might be the key, but now I don’t know.” He walks away to his room too.

“Argh!!” Katsuki screams and leaves the house. Everything was falling down around him again! “Fuck!” But he knew it was all his own damn fault. He’d wanted so badly... and now to find out Izuku... “Fucking dumb fuck!” He screams at himself! How the hell does he fix this?!

The sun had not yet risen by the time Izuku and Eijiro were up and eating breakfast quietly in the kitchen area. Neither said anything, just looking down like robots programmed to follow mundane human behaviors. Katsuki’s bed was empty and it was clear he hadn’t slept in it, but no one knew where he was. The doorman told Eijiro the man had left after the fight and never returned, and he had turned off his phone. The coach was pretty certain Katsuki wouldn’t have left the area without retrieving his belongings, plus the airline ticket was still unused. So, where was he?

“We’ll go to the arena like normal,” Eijiro tells Izuku. “Hopefully Katsuki turns up.”

Izuku himself wasn’t in the best state of mind either and mindlessly nods at the coaches words. He knew the things he’d said to Katsuki were true and needed to be said, but that didn’t mean it made him feel any better. Part of him wanted to just forfeit and leave, but at the same time, he didn’t want to be labeled the reason a U.S. team had to forfeit. If Katsuki really was going to be the stupid one, Izuku wasn’t going to let the man take him down too. Katsuki came from wealth and didn’t need anything. All Izuku had was his reputation and honor, and that was worth protecting.

The longer the day went on with no sign of Katsuki, the more Izuku really wished he could just curl upon in some hole. He felt as if everyone in the field was silently judging him. ‘Where’s his partner? Did they have a fight? Poor guy. Aww how sad...’ there he was all dressed and ready for the long program with no partner. He warmed up on the ice just in case, but it was pretty miserable doing it all alone.

Less than two hours before they were set to skate, Katsuki’s mother walks in, dragging her son behind her. Eijiro gets up to meet his employer, but Izuku barely manages a smile when the woman comes up to him.

“I know we’ve never had a chance to meet Mr. Midoriya, my name is Mitsuki Bakugou, and I extend my warmest thanks for working with my problematic son.”

Not wanting to be rude to the woman, “it’s nice to meet you Mrs. Bakugou. Your son he... he has his good sides.”

The woman laughs, “no need to be humble, I know my son is a brat. And that’s my fault, I shouldn’t have spoiled him so much. But I just want you to know that you really have made a big impact on him.” She chuckled, “It’s been quite shocking for my husband and I to listen to Eijiro’s reports.”

“Oh...” Izuku’s eyes widen. He never knew the coach was spying! “I, um am not sure what to say,” he stammers.

“Okay, okay old hag,” Katsuki suddenly interjects and starts to push his mother out the door. “We gotta get ready, so we’ll see you after the program!”

“Don’t call me a hag you brat!” She yells at her son, then waves at Izuku. “It was nice meeting you!”

“It was uh, nice to meet you too,” Izuku responds and waves back.

Katsuki returns a few minutes later and approaches Izuku. “Could we talk in private somewhere?”

“You need to get ready first,” Izuku states matter of fact. “We skate in less than 2 hours and we need to be ready.”

Katsuki nods without arguing and goes to the stylists chair, telling them to make it quick. And it doesn’t take very long for them to dress and tame his hair. Once that’s done, Eijiro and the stylist quietly take their leave.

“So,” Izuku stands there with his arms crossed, “what did you wanna say to me?”

Katsuki sighs, long and deep, hanging his head and closing his eyes. “I know saying sorry won’t mean much at this point, but for what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry Izuku.” He opens his eyes full of tears. “Last night when I left, I was so angry at myself, at the world, then I saw you with Shouto again and that pissed me off, and I took it out on you again, and that’s not right. So, I kept walking, and walking, just thinking about everything. My life, about this sport, and most of all you. I-I don’t deserve you, at all, I know that.” He pauses for a moment and closes his eyes again. “And when I found myself standing on the edge of a pier ready to jump, I called my mom to come get me.” He chuckled forlornly, “me still crying to my mother at this age, it’s so fucking pathetic. She convinced me to come here today and finish what we’d started for better or worse, make it right by you because I’m the one who dragged you into this world and it’s not okay to make you face it alone. If you hate me, I—,”Katsuki squeezes his eyes shut again as he takes another deep breath. “I-I’ll accept that. If you never forgive me, I’ll accept it because I don’t expect your forgiveness. But I just wanna say thank you for everything and I’ll always love you Izuku.”

The whole time Katsuki spoke, the man never made eye contact with him, but Izuku could feel the waves of regret flowing from him in a way he hadn’t expected. It was different from the time in Hawaii, much more heartfelt. Not that Katsuki hadn’t been trying back then, but he wasn’t exactly sure how to describe it. This apology hit Izuku more deeply somehow and when the man said he’ll always love him— he just knewKatsuki meant it with every fiber of his soul... and he knew no one could ever replace Katsuki in his own heart.

“Oh, Kacchan I don’t hate you.” His voice was soft and full of tenderness. He closes the gap between them and takes the man’s hands, forcing him to look up. His eyes were filled with happy tears, and his ear-to-ear smile was brighter than any other time in his life. “I can’t say I’m not frustrated, but I don’t hate you. Okay? We’ll work on stuff together.”

At that moment, Eijiro pops his head back into the room. “It’s time to hit the ice guys.”

“Okay!” Izuku answers cheerfully before turning back and wiping away Katsuki’s tears and his own. “Come on,” he pulls Katsuki from the dressing chair, turning as he talks, “we’re gonna kick everyone’s ass with the Pamchenko!”

“What?!” Katsuki pulls Izuku to a stop. “No! You’re right it’s too risky! We’re not doing it!”

“Yes!” Izuku continues pulling and walking, dragging Katsuki with him, “we’re doing it!” He smiles genuinely, causing Katsuki’s cheeks to flush red.

“N-No, I don’t want to risk you getting hurt Izuku! It’s too dangerous!”

The closer they get to entrance of the rink, their voices lower but the back, and forth argument continues. Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes!! The announcer calls their names, so they skate onto the middle of the rink and assume their positions.

“If you think I’m doing all this to get a routine out of you, you’re wrong! Izuku, why are you doing this?!”

“Because,” he smirks back, “I’m in the mood to kick a little ass!”

Izuku’s statement and the energy exuding from the man, makes Katsuki’s eyes flash with an adrenaline rush of excitement. He’s never felt such a rush before a program, and he loves how it feels! Any doubt he’d had of his feelings for Izuku, melted away the second the music began.

Their bodies moved in perfect alignment, truly lost in the music and their long-practiced routine flowing as a dance along the ice like two lovers pushing and pulling against each other in reflection of the journey it took to get to that point. The audience ooh and awed, spellbound as the pairs hands, strong yet covetous, molded in loving embrace before heart stopping explosive leaps and spins send their toes curling, and lifting them off their seats. But no one was more enraptured then the two skaters. The world simply fell away, and the competition became a blur around them.

Izuku had no time to process the sheer excitement coursing through his veins or those elusive tingles he’d longed to feel again from Katsuki. But they fueled him, drove him towards their end goal, and made him feel more alive than he’d ever felt! It was magic, pure and simple.

They flowed effortlessly into the first stage of the Pamchenko, with no falter to the strong grip Katsuki had on Izuku. The man was confident which in turn made him relax and relinquish all control to Katsuki’s capable hands. Izuku stayed focused, his arms kept tightly to his sides, counting each spin as the g-force momentum built up to the perfect pitch... and finally the release. The audience goes silent as Izuku’s body spun through the air, one, two, triple axel... caught! In Katsuki’s arms as Izuku hits the ice again. The entire stadium erupts while the pair glides to a smooth stop in the middle of the rink, with Izuku dipped and cradled in Katsuki’s arm.

Neither cared about the judges or competition nor the screaming fans on their feet, cheering in a thunderous roar. It was just them gazing at each other as they caught their breaths with camera lights flashing all around them.

“But why?” Katsuki’s questions Izuku again, because he genuinely couldn’t understand why the man was willing to take such a high risk. “You didn’t have to do it.”

Izuku beams back, “I told you before,” eyes softening. “Because I love you.”

Katsuki’s heart skips and soars as he swoops in, kissing Izuku with all the pent-up passion the man brought out of him. It was magical, freeing, and nothing could compare to this moment, not even winning gold! He helps Izuku to his feet and takes his hand as they bow for the crowd then skate off the ice to await the scores. “I still don’t deserve you Izuku, but I’m gonna spend the rest of my life spoiling you rotten to earn it.”

Izuku giggles, “I just want the real Kacchan, that’s all I need to be happy.”

“Well, too bad,” Katsuki laughs back, “I’m still gonna spoil you.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.” Katsuki clasps Izuku’s face in his hands with a grin. “I’m gonna work hard to curb my anger,” placing another kiss on the man’s lips, “but this is one fight you’ll never win, so just accept it.”

A tear trickles down Izuku’s cheek, which Katsuki smooths away with his thumb. Izuku felt like a damn princess in some fairytale, his eyes twinkling in the light. “Oh, Kacchan...”

[thirstyandbeautiful]

lvl: the maybe after

part 4: fuck that devil dick

~or~ this is what happens when the lines begin to blur

read part three here

You looked up, the reflection of your skin looking almost airbrushed. You pressed your fingers over your face, taking in your flawless complexion. Your skin practically glowed in the darkness of the room. Your movements froze as you realized that there was nothing but dark around the room, you weren’t even sure where the light to see yourself was coming from. 

A large decorative mirror stood in front of you, it’s frame a golden menagerie of swirls, shapes and symbols manipulated into its setting. You lowered your hand from your face as you took in your appearance. You were naked, every inch of you exposed as you stared at yourself in the mirror. You looked at yourself starting from your bare feet, taking in yourself until your hand hanging at your side caught your attention. 

There was a bump, a strange puckering of skin where your thumb bone disappeared under your skin to the rest of your hand. You looked at it curiously, at the ridges on the sides, the way the growth looked closed up, but suspiciously open. You took your other hand, your weaker non-dominant one, and squeezed the edges of the puckered skin. When you realized it didn’t hurt, you let your index and thumb nail press into the base of your skin.

You watched in amazement as your skin opened, the puckered skin separating until soft white opaque petals bloomed out from within, and a small flower grew from your hand. 

You heard a sound and looked up, quickly seeing someone else in the reflection with you, but just as quickly as your breath caught in the moment, you were thrown from the darkness like you were sucked into a wind tunnel. 

Next thing you could feel was the warmth of Lando’s bed.

It had all been a dream. 

Your eyes were closed, but you were pretty sure Lando knew you were awake. You could feel his warmth mere inches from your covered body, his fingers ghosting across the skin of your cheek in a gentle caress. You weren’t sure why you were playing asleep, but the way he was touching you felt nice. You didn’t know Lando could be so soft.

I mean you had an idea he could be. The way he comforted you after taking you apart. The whole thing felt intimate, even in the dirtiness of it- but that was the thing about these type of sexual relationships, wasn’t it? You were trusting Lando with your body, with your mind. You were letting him push your mental and physical boundaries with your trust blindly wrapped, bowed and delivered in the palm of your hand. 

Before you had fucked him, you really hadn’t known him that well. But there was just an air about him. Your first impression had been that he was shy, but then your second impression made you think he was stuck up, and by the third time you met him you’d changed your mind again and settled on the fact that he was just alluring. 

He was a private person, approachable and friendly on a professional level but really didn’t open up until you managed to bulldoze your way into his inner circle. He had this air of mystery around him, and you found yourself believing everything he ever said to you. He just screamed genuine in everything. He wouldn’t do, say or act in a way he didn’t want. You wanted to get to know him, you wanted to be in that inner circle, you wanted his real thoughts and feelings on things and above all, you trusted him even though he could border on control issues.

Your breath hitched as you realized you didn’t know whether you were thinking of Lance or Lando anymore. 

It was definitely already morning, you felt refreshed and well rested. Who knows how long you had slept for, the last thing you remembered was Lando helping you into the bath, still complimenting you. It had gotten easier once you had accepted it, and cried it out. It was a weird release. You didn’t think you could be forced into being adored, but that’s kind of what he did. It was unlike any kind of after care you’d ever gotten, and your headspace became different. You weren’t floaty, confused or distracted, you were grounded, aware and coherent. Now feeling your loosened muscles, clear (confused) thoughts and lightness in your bones, you were honestly shocked. 

All your past partners, the ones you’d let take you apart, or put you back together, had all followed a strict rule based off your comforts. As usual, Lando said ‘fuck that’ and marched to the beat of his own drum. You wondered if he knew it would work, or if he was going off a hunch. Who had he done this for before? You felt your nose scrunch involuntary as your imagination supplied you with blank women’s faces, until your friend’s face materialized to the forefront. 

“You going to keep pretending?” Lando’s breath brushed against your nose and you couldn’t stop the slight pull on the corner of your lips. You heard the bed shuffle and then his lips were against your forehead. “I know you’re awake.” He giggled as he pressed his lips against your skin. 

“Let me sleep.” You grumbled, not yet trusting the thoughts in your head wouldn’t spill out of your mouth. 

“You’re not sleeping.” Lando laughed. 

You lifted your head and opened your half lidded eyes, “I could be if you shut up.”

“Oh, she’s mouthy in the morning.” You cracked a smile as a heavy hand on your chest pushed you flat on your back. “Don’t forget how you got in this bed, who put you here.”

“Lance?” you asked innocently.

Your eyes shot open when the blunt end of Lando’s fingers pushed into your pussy. Your hand darted down to grab his wrist. 

“What?” He asked. His face void of emotions, even though he was wiggling one of his fingers inside of you. 

“I-” This is what you were used to, and the familiarity of it made you grin like a cheshire cat. 

“What?” he asked louder. “What’s wrong?” He leaned down and kissed your collarbone, sucking on the skin with a sharp bite before looking back at you, his face still impassive. 

You lifted a hand and pressed it to his cheek, guiding his mouth to yours. You softly hummed as his full lips pressed to yours. You moved your lips against his lazily, and you felt your body relax into the mattress when he pulled his hand from between your legs to rest on your hip. He leaned over you, his hand periodically squeezing the fresh on your hip, making you squirm as you both smiled into each other mouths. 

“I missed you.” He mumbled shyly.

“Missed me or missed this?” You asked playfully, flexing the walls of your cunt to squeeze his fingers. 

He looked at you and then around the bed before answering. “This.” 

“That’s what I thought.” 

Lando looked down at you, his fingers tracing lines into your skin under the covers. “You did so well this time, no drop.”

“No drop.” you echoed, looking away from him. This was not the conversation you wanted to have.  

“And to believe all the shit I got about not knowing how to care for you.” Lando whined, not looking at you as he seemed to recall last year’s events. 

“Evidently.” Your snarky answer earned you a harsh squeeze of his hand on your hip. 

It still made you squirm, how softly he took you down, you didn’t know you’d like that. You had been heavily dipped into sub space, and a drop was exactly what you and everyone else had anticipated but here you were hours later, happy and entirely there in the moment with Lando. You felt better than you had in recent weeks. Physically tired, but emotionally better.

But something in you, deeply rooted inside you, told you that this wasn’t it. You had an anticipatory feeling inside you and you had no idea what it was about. Were you going to drop? Were you getting anxious? Maybe you needed to make sure you were good, that you were truly out of the woods. Maybe you needed Lando to take you however he obviously knew was best.

“Hey,” Lando mumbled. “Can I?” 

You looked at the ceiling as you nodded. You wanted it. After having his fingers and his teasing? You could allow yourself one more round with Lando, just to make sure the edge was gone. 

I need this, you thought, just to be sure I’m good.

You turned on your side and closed your eyes, keeping them closed again even when you felt Lando poking your nose with his own. You tilted your head when his lips brushed against your cheek, and his fingers dragged down your thigh. You sighed when he lifted your thigh over his own, simultaneously dragging your pelvis to his, where his hardened cock poked your stomach. 

Lando peppered kisses on to your cheek as he ducked down a bit, reaching under your thigh to grab himself before pushing the blunt thick head between your legs.

“Can I have you?” He whispered against your cheek. When you nodded silently again he corrected you with a low voice. “Tell me.”

You felt your spine bend to his words, the softness and warmth with the promise of pleasure furled all your thoughts deeply into your head as the warmth dropped from your overheated brain to between your legs. 

“Please, want you inside me.” You mumbled, finding yourself melting against him as the moments without him inside you waned on.

His lips stayed featherlight against your skin as his other arm crept under the curve of your side, fastening around you to pull you to him. Your thigh moved higher until your knee was up by his ribs, his other arm still underneath you both, pressing him to you where he was finally going to connect you to each other. The contrast of his soft lips barely pressing to the sensitive skin of your face to the feeling of his hard, velvety skin pressing his thick head to your pulsing hole made your whole leg tense. 

Lando shushed you gently. “I got you.” 

Your eyes flickered open for a moment, catching his fingers in his mouth before they moved back under the covers. You could feel him jerking his cock with his wet fingers before rubbing up against you again. The feeling of his cock dragging up and down your moist lips made you whine. Your cunt felt like it was vibrating, the anticipation growing as his heated skin pressed to yours. When you hitched your hip and got the very tip of him to catch on your entrance, you both sharply inhaled.

With a forceful yet slow push of his hips, Lando plunged himself into you. You both whimpered, your backs arching until your nipples brushed against each other’s chests. You wrapped your arms around his midsection, pressing your finger tips into his sides as you tried to hold him in your hands. The arm that was wrapped under you and around your waist squeezed you closer as he pressed his lips to yours. When you brushed your tongue against his lips, he pulled away, nudging his nose to yours as he began to rock in and out of you. 

With your arms pulling each other close and your legs tangled together, you felt merged into one. The rest of the room melted away until it was just you and Lando. You opened your eyes and pressed your forehead to his. You rested your hand on his cheek and you both laid there, rocking like an ocean tide together. 

Lando’s eyes were beautiful. You had never noticed the colors that swirled in them, from the greens to the blues to the lightest shades of gray. They boasted the trust you shared, and everything felt so much heavier yet so much lighter as you both drank each other in in that moment. It was euphoric. 

The movement was so slight, but he was so hard and so big that it felt more like a grind, and it pleasured you more than anything you’d gotten from him the day before. You started rocking your hips to his, until your rhythm matched and you moved against each other together, in tandem. There was no pushing or pulling from each other, just moving together. 

You couldn’t remember the last time sex was so effortless, so in sync, so serene. 

Lando’s breath and skin against your own made it almost feel surreal, and you felt the gentle tingling of your orgasm start in the curl of your toes, until your thigh was tensed over his side, and your mouth dropped open as the pleasure shook you to your core. Your walls hugged Lando tightly, making you whimper as you gripped him inside you. He moaned as his hips snapped against yours, making sure he was pressed snugly to the hilt inside you as he filled you. 

Lando and you followed each other down from your highs as you kissed, your lips moving against each other, no teeth and no tongue, just feeling each other curiously and softly.  

You opened your eyes and looked at him.

“Fuck.” You whispered. 

-

Lando caught his breath, the soft curse that left your lips making his eyes open directly across from your chest. A small smile played on his lips as he raised his eyes to your face. You weren’t looking at him anymore, but he could see at least half the expression on your face. He felt the room shift. You looked upset, and while you weren’t crying, you didn’t look relaxed as you had last night and this morning. He wanted to ask you why, but you didn’t give him a moment to sort his thoughts. 

Instead, he watched with confusion as you turned your shoulders and twisted on to your back. Your lower body was still entangled with his under his bed sheets, and while he didn’t know where you ended and where he began, he knew you did with how effortlessly you pulled yourself from him. Lando didn’t hold on to you, he wouldn’t allow himself to pull you to him even as your leg slid off his side, felt him slip out of you with the distance you created. He tried not to visibly shiver as the space between you disrupted the air underneath the covers, and the cold of the room brushed under what was your warm cocoon. 

He rolled his shoulders back, turning on his side and throwing one arm behind his head. His eyes stung, and he pulled them tightly shut before blinking a few times. He took a breath and focused on the ceiling until your movement caught his eye. 

“What are you doing?” He mumbled in what he hoped was a neutral tone. 

With your back to him, you wordlessly rose from the bed and padded across the room, ducking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind you. 

“Fuck.” He bit his lip when he heard the unfamiliar click of the lock. 

He didn’t know what the fuck happened. One moment, you were against him and he was fucking you in a way he’d never had you before. He wasn’t even sure why he had taken you the way he had, he was tired from the whole scene before. He knew he was good, you had definitely cum, you were basically trembling against him moments before. You had been so peaceful, so relaxed, so in the moment, so grounded with him.

He’d been good to you, right?

You groaned and rubbed his eyes. Lando didn’t have time for second thoughts, for a potential drop. He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, willing the insecurities that bled into the forefront of his mind as your reaction to him this morning replayed over and over behind his closed eyelids. 

“Fuck this.” 

He grumbled and stood from the bed, quickly going to the dresser and pulling out clothes. He quickly tugged his running leggings on before pulling his shorts on over them. He grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it over his head, not even caring when he realized it was on backwards. 

I’ll wear a sweatshirt.

Lando grabbed a sweatshirt from the corner of his room and pulled it over as he passed the bathroom door. He could hear you on the other side, well, not you, but the shower running. His hand lifted to knock but he stopped it. You clearly wanted space, and weren’t interested in him anymore. Clearly you’d had your fill. He had served his purpose to you.

Time to get back to reality. 

He swallowed the bitter taste his thoughts left him down before he dropped his hand and walked right out the bedroom door. He took the steps on the staircase two at a time and grabbed his phone on his way out the backdoor. He figured he’d send you a text. 

Gone biking u can let urself out x

A pettier side of him had warned against sending it, but the thought of you leaving without the prompt made him warm with the rage barely contained under his skin. Lando all but ripped his bike off the mount in his garage before climbing on, foregoing a helmet as he quickly tore off past his opened gate and down the street. 

-

You sighed and leaned your head against the wet white tile in front of you, letting the shower head stream all the hot water down your back. 

You didn’t know what came over you, and now you felt like a dick. It was common sense not to just be cold, to just walk away after being intimate with someone. Not between you and Lando, not with the relationship you had. It wasn’t healthy for either one of you. 

What was wrong with you? Why couldn’t you just talk to him?

Cause you feel emotional, cause it feels wrong.

You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to focus on the cold tile against your forehead slowly heating with the steam in the room. 

It’s not wrong though. Lando was helping you. He is helping you. He knew what to do and how to do it. 

You leaned back and stood up straight, letting the water run down your head, wetting your slightly knotted hair. The water dripped down your head until it dripped from the tip of your nose.

Lando played his part and now it’s time to go home. Back to Lance. 

Your stomach churned as you thought of your boyfriend. Your boyfriend, who had been so supportive of you long before you’d even gone exclusive, who called Lando to give you what he couldn’t. 

How could you face him after this? How could you do this to him? Why were you so fucked up?

Lance was the one to call him, Lance offered you to him.

You struggled between feeling guilty and angry. You had been vulnerable, emotional and Lance had handed you off to Lando like you were Lando’s problem, handed you off to Lando like you were Lance’s to give away. You were not property. You weren’t in a place to make real decisions, you were wound up, desperate. 

That’s why he did it, for you. To do what would be best for you. 

That’s when the guilt crawled over the anger and took over your emotional spectrum. Lance was selfless, put your needs first over his own emotions. He let another man have sex with you, welcomed it, invited Lando to come and take you from your almost shared home with Lance. 

He did it for you, he gave permission, so it’s not cheating. 

And that’s when your guilt and anger began to mesh, intertwining their own shitty rhetoric until you couldn’t decipher whether your guilt made you angry or your anger gave you guilt. 

You scrubbed at your skin, as if you could shed your current sleeve for a new one. As if raw pink skin could grow anew and erase the past 24 hours, as if the history with Lando hadn’t seeped under your skin. Your skin wasn’t the problem. You were the problem.

You scratched your nails into your scalp and pulled your fingers through the knots in your hair, tearing through each until you watched the strands catch in the drain from your rough tugging. Your head was filled with scenes of how going home could be. Lance could act like nothing was wrong, be happy you’re home and cuddle you all day on the couch, maybe you could cook dinner together, as if nothing had ever happened. Lance could act like everything was wrong, he could not be there when you got home, he could not talk to you for days, he could drag this out until you hurt as much as he must. 

You didn’t know which was better, or worse. 

When your skin burned and your fingers ran through your hair without catching on a single strand, you turned off the tap. You didn’t wipe the mirror when you climbed out of the shower, you could barely stand your own skin right now, you didn’t have to see it in your reflection. You let out a deep breath before pulling open the door, your eyes instantly going to the bed you’d left Lando in, an apology already puckering your lips and curling on your tongue. 

The words on your tongue died as your mind went blank for the first time since you’d left bed. 

Lando was gone, the bed was empty.

You held your breath and listened hard for any kind of movement in the house. You thought briefly that he could be making breakfast or lunch, but you pushed that thought away as you strained your ears for a sound. But you heard nothing. 

You felt the guilt in you well up again, and your eyes watered as you thought about how bad you had to make Lando feel for him to leave you in his own house. You padded around the room, carefully picking up clothes and pulling them on as silently as you could. Anything you did that made a sound made you flinch. 

You were horribly aware of the silence around you, and it bored down on you. It felt like the house was watching you, like it knew you didn’t belong, like it was saying get out. 

You’d never gotten dressed so fast. 

You grabbed your phone and saw the text notification, the sole notification on your phone. When you saw it was from Lando, you allowed yourself a heavy sigh as you skipped down the steps to the first floor. You hoped he’d been out for coffee or picking up food, just something to redeem this morning. But that was more than you deserved evidently, cause the text message made it clear as day. 

Gone biking u can let urself out x

It was time to go home and face the consequences of your actions. 

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Pan? Polysexual sounds better now

Back to guys, gay girls, nonbinaries, pan, bi, gender-fluid, and queer people.

I might have to take a recap on matches who are trans for right now,

I still have a lot to learn about what my true identity is for right now.

Because I really can't stick to just one label...

Aye, that's just me. And dating apps are starting to feel like a job, there's too many people matching with me and trying to remember names is getting a lot to handle when you're on 3 different apps and about 20 conversations going at the same time. And still 99 people waiting on you to swipe right on them, on each one. And plus I'm not as picky about looks as I was before, so I'm mostly reading just bios, analyzing photos to see what could be their interests in, and making sure I'm not being too passive on red flags when people talk to you.

I will admit, I still swipe right on them if they're trans and I'm attracted to them. I just know me, I'd rather date someone who was fully transitioned or somebody who is still on the nonbinary, before part. Only because I know me.

I had to watch someone I had already grown into getting to know and getting attached to, and then when I finally got comfortable with them for over a yr, they changed that drastically during those 3months we were separate and I had no idea about it.....I'm not sure if I could watch it happen before my eyes. Cause then I would have to miss the way they were before, because of my attraction to their naturally mixed feminine/masculine looking features and actions. So, ideally I wouldn't have changed anything about them.

I don't wanna grow attached to a voice or a face or a body that will no longer be there tomorrow. I know that person before is still in there, but it's different when you're romantically attracted to them, been intimate with them vs when you're just a friend. My experience shocked and scared my paranoia and fear of change. I remember crying when my dad started growing white and grey hairs in his beard. Cause I never want my dad to change, cause I've grown up with him being this strong man that always was there for me, held me, made me feel safe, calmed me down when I had my moments, and tucked me in when I wanted to feel comfortable. He showed me that he always loved me, always cared about me, and that he was never gonna leave me. As if he's never gonna die during my time on this earth. Seeing his greyishly, white hairs, I thought death and that my daddy will soon no longer be the fun, happy, strong dad that I've always been with as his princess. And that's kind of what vibe this particular person was to me, even though they weren't as smart, strong, or always there for me....cause most of the time my nights alone cause they couldn't or didn't know I needed them to be there fo r me like that to feel loved or just to feel wanted. Cause I couldn't speak up.

But now, that they has turned into a he. I feel like its brutally denying me to chance to not only say goodbye to them as they, but I would have to get reacquainted to HE, with a totally different name, maybe different personality, maybe different sexuality, and I won't know if I like the new evolved version of this person. The fear of the unknown is high for me. Especially when there's a 40% rate of fems that decided to change their sexual orientation after taking testosterone. I 'm possessive about my partners and I would hate to know that after seeing this person physically change and go through so much emotional/mental changes that one day they decide "Hey, I think I like men now, I wanna give this a shot. Could we make this work?"

I would tell Him, to go right ahead and go on a date with that coworker or guy on Tinder/Grinder. But I'm not gonna be here when you come home. Because to me that's some bullshit. And I've known this person well enough to know, that they don't mind using other people to meet their sexual needs that I can't possibly give them due to my actual gender and my body as such. I wouldn't want to share my partner, nor watch them get fucked by another man...because I'm not a man, im a woman...theres a huuuuuugggeeee difference.

And if it ever came to that point 3 yrs later and He became someone I didn't know anymore, because of the hormones changing how they feel as a man, dysphoria gone....I get it, you've hated yourself for years and now you're happy in the dream body you always asked for. But, I would be scared to lose you, to whoever else you decide to open up to in your selections. Cause you're that type to leave to please you and not make it work. I don't want somebody who changes their mind all the time about who they wanna be, who else do they wanna smash, and who else they can flirt with. That's cheater mentality.

And I'm sorry trans community that I'm basing my recent experience with someone as the example for the rest of you. Because I know there are some ftm's who've already changed and stayed with their partners. I just don't know if I could trust this process, knowing the effects, the research on whether or not they become completely detached to women or become bisexual... I can't.

And I'm thankful for the ftm's that have been posting youtube videos and tiktoks for viewers like me who are curious about the possible cons, and physical or emotional changes they've overcome. I was shocked the first time I ever watched a bandaged ftm, who finally unrevealed their scars from top surgery. I've always been preparing myself for this. Because I knew one day, that this cute, fluffy, soft skinned, white latino looking, but really just mixed mocha, nonbinary person was gonna be...changed over a year or so. I thought I could prepare for it, so that when it does happen it doesn't hurt as much to watch to them in pain if the bleeding from the scars are irritating them or if one day they're super cranky and obnoxious for what seems to be no reason. Or if one day they end up feeling they dont need anybody like Zanthos, with the 4 avenger rings lol.

But I'm too damn fucking sensitive. I was born this way. I've always prepared myself with the worst and the best information, that way when it does happen, the tidal wave of emotions from the reaction, doesn't end up torching my soul or blowing me out the water. Cause I am gay. I adore women, men, and when I met this person I loved them as an in-betweener as nonbinary. They are so brutally harsh, twisted, manipulative, jealous, and possesive. But I've always liked that they had these emotions inside of them that they hold back because they don't wanna seem so soft, always hiding this feminine quality about them because ideally, they're pretty looking, gorgeous eyes that can turn black cold like obsidian, and those fucking cheeks and cat nose. I've only seen the slight hips, but I didn't mind it. And they've always hid their body away even when we would try to have sex. I knew the dysphoria was there, cause again I prepared myself to be patient and kind.

So, I'm glad they're turning a new leaf to make themselves feel more confident about being recognized in society as a full, grown ass man. I'm pretty sure HE, is gonna get cocky af, cause that's just the way he was when they were they.

I know it's selfish of me to say, but I'm afraid of what will happen down the line years later. But that's just me being afraid. If He ends up not liking me anymore, I know it won't be the end of the world and I walked away at the right time when I did. Because this person is currently separated from me, and I'm still insecure about that part too. Not knowing how they are during this transition for what may become years or not...I hope HE is doing okay and not piercing everyone with their new, world domination, ego.

I just don't wanna imagine them get fucked by a guy....sorry that's just me. And will their buttery ass kisses, still be as sweet anymore?

Will I be ok with HE having chest hair?

Will I love the sound of their new voice or will I just hate it, while still missing the old, brodie, sexy, slightly feminine voice?

Especially when they used to go all soft and cuddly on me over the phone, it was soooo cuteeee. I miss our phone and text conversations.

Will they grow into another relationship with somebody else because they started to become unattached and unattracted to my body, my tits, my hips, my vagina even....just because they completely changed their identity?

And I still a woman? I've only thought about wearing a binder a couple of times, and yes, I do watch ftm and trans porn because I did like the fantasy of being intimate with someone who had a bigger clit size or just having a big clit of my own that felt like a dick.

I'm willing to admit that. Because let's be honest, boys get away with so much more shit as a male, compared to us females.

I wish I could grow a dick overnight and nobody not know I'm still a chick! Lol, but I still don't like the all over hair body growth and I still want my vagina back. Like a rental suit with an actual dick and no tits. Those are the onllyyyyyyyyy things I've thought about, but would never admit out loud. Only because I still like my body and my gender identity as is. I feel like the blue girl from X-Men could get away with it, cause she can be anybody she wants to and go back to being herself at the end of the day. And still camouflage behind walls. Lucky chick. Especially if she could teleport, oh he'll yeah.

It's gonna take me awhile to get over this, so please be patient with me. As I'm trying not to cry as I watch my ftm porn get fucked by a guy. Cause I used to be heavy into it, now I feel wrong for watching it and then I'm reminded "40% chance, you're watching it" 😞🤮😫

[sexedforbiguys]

Dating and sex during COVID – Sex Ed for Bi Guys

Original image source

Published January 8, 2020.

This is the SFW version of this post. You can view the sexually explicit version here on Pillowfort.

Based on my conversations on r/BisexualMen and our Discord, many of bi+ and bicurious men date and explore their sexuality despite the pandemic. Many – not all – public health guidelines are the equivalent of abstinence-only sex education, shaming people who follow anything other than the strictest of practices, providing no information for those who take risks on how to minimize those risks nonetheless, and dismissing costs and risks of being deprived of intimate human contact. Here are tools to decide what risk level you’re comfortable with if you choose to date or have sex during COVID-19, and to reduce risks that comes with activities you choose to undertake.

It’s tempting to judge or shame people for making decisions that are risky during a pandemic but if shaming worked, we would have stopped HIV dead in its tracks in the 1980s. Shaming people is bad public health policy that leads to worse outcomes, while meeting people where they’re at has been proven to work time and time again.

The science and best practices on the pandemic evolve constantly, and I am not a healthcare professional. It’s possible information in this guide will become outdated. Keep tabs on the current situation with the virus and on the most up-to-date public health recommendations in your area for minimizing pandemic risk.

The obvious

When there is community transmission in your area, it’s safest to not meet anyone indoors besides your own household and to follow to the letter public health guidelines. Your safest sex partner is yourself, followed by someone from your household. Any kind of prolonged, close physical contact with someone from outside your bubble is risky. There can be legal consequences also to breaking public health ordinances.

Risk

Risk is relative and it’s a spectrum. It has different dimensions too: you can act safer on some dimensions to somewhat offset risks you take in other dimensions. Yet safety has costs. When people take risks, it’s often because they have decided the cost of safety in that instance – boredom, loneliness, touch starvation, sexual frustration, deteriorating mental health, etc. – was higher than risks. People make these calculations all the time. Stay informed to make enlightened decisions about what risks there are to your health and that of others, and how they can be reduced. Then choose what risks you are willing to take and which you aren’t.

Men having sex with other men more often during the pandemic and increased substance use are linked. Think of getting mental health support if you’re using to cope, especially when the result is taking risks you wouldn’t take otherwise. You deserve support, even when your behaviour involves higher risk. Continue your usual STI prevention methods too, like condoms, PrEP, regular testing or other prevention tactics you use, even if you f**k less often. My friend works in a STI clinic and they are swamped despite the COVID pandemic.

Talk with people you plan to meet

How do you each protect yourselves from COVID? How many people are in your respective bubbles? How many people do you each see outside of that bubble? Under what conditions? Were you tested for COVID in the last few days? What risk level is acceptable for each of you? How fast or how slowly do you want to take things? In what ways do you want to be in contact for now?

Talk with people in your bubble

COVID can infect people you share spaces with. So tell these people you are thinking of dating or maybe even having sexual encounters, explain how you are planning to reduce risks, and agree with them on what risks are acceptable and what safety practices they want you to take when you do this. It is possible they won’t be comfortable with anything other than online contact, or masked, physically distanced outdoor meetings. Also, maybe it’s not possible for you to share details of your romantic and sexual life with folks in your bubble: maybe you’re closeted, for example. Sadly, their safety is on the line when it comes to this. Whatever decisions you make, weigh the risks you take keeping in mind you are exposing them to these risks also, and that they trust you too keep your bubble as safe as possible.

Tactics for minimizing risk

Knowledge. Read more complete documents than this post on safer sex during COVID and look for more up-to-date information. Check news and public health websites to know what community transmission rates are in your area, along with current public health guidelines and ordinances. The higher community transmission rates are, the more risk-aware you need to be. Learn where and how to get tested as well.

Original image source

Number of partners. Having a single dating or sex partner that you integrate in your bubble is safer than seeing a new person every week, and it makes intimate physical contact less risky. Also, group sex is very risky when it’s with people from outside your bubble, so discuss with participants what other tactics you can use to reduce COVID risk.

Physical distance. Many contacts can happen from a distance. You can message dates and partners. You can video chat. You can meet and keep a 2-meter distance. When sex is involved, you can sext each other, trade nudes and videos, roleplay fantasies or have a domination/submission relationship over chat if you’re all into that, put on a live cam show for each other, etc. These activities are safe from COVID (be mindful of privacy and leaked chats, pics or vids). In the same room, you could decide to keep at least a two-meter distance, and put on a sexy show for each other as well. If you eliminate physical distance, you will have to rely on other tactics.

Original image source

Environment. Outdoors is far safer than indoors. A small room is riskier than a large room. A space with poor ventilation is riskier than a well-ventilated space. Many people meet outdoors physically distanced for the first few dates before deciding if they want more intimacy. I would never advise you to break the law or more importantly, to neglect safeguarding unwilling people from witnessing your sexual activities but technically, sex outdoors is safer than sex indoors...

Barriers. A mask covering your mouth and nose makes a difference, even if you’re physically right next to each other or f**king. Unless you have access to N95 respirators https://www.menshealth.com/health/a34247889/n95-vs-kn95-masks-covid/ and know how to use them properly, your mask protects others from your own breath and saliva, and their mask protects you from theirs, but not the other way around. So everyone having their mask on is safer than some people taking off their masks. If you’ve ever wanted to roleplay those masked post-apocalyptic or riot sex fantasies, now has never been a better time! Also, anonymous sex carries other risks than COVID, but glory holes are an effective barrier.

Original image source

Washing. Wash your hands before and after touching each other. Same with your bodies when mouths and hands have been roaming on them.

Sex acts and positioning. The closer your faces are to each other, even masked, the riskier the proximity is. So some positions for sexual intimacy are less risky. Kissing is the riskiest. If you’re not having sex, but would like less risky physical contact that still has some intimacy, sitting back-to-back while holding hands and talking about intimate stuff is an option. Semen and feces can contain the COVID virus, but it’s unknown if vaginal or anal sex can transmit it – wearing condoms along with keeping semen out of your mouth and your mouth off buttholes could help (on top of reducing STI and unplanned pregnancy risk). Oral sex and sex positions that keep your faces away from each other (doggy style or 69, anyone?) are less risky. BDSM practices that involve masks, doing thing to someone’s back or behind, or any practice where faces can stay away from one another, can carry less risk also.

Testing, vaccination and immunity. Getting tested for COVID in the days before a physical meeting helps, but it’s not fool-proof. As vaccination is rolling out, get the vaccine as soon as you become eligible for it. Science on how well or how long people are immune to COVID after an infection has uncertainty, but recent findings are encouraging. Dating and sex among people who have recently recovered could be a risk-reduction tactic.

For many bisexual, pansexual and polysexual men discovering their own sexuality and coming to term with their orientation, COVID put a stop to any exploration they had been dreaming of. You deserve the tools you need to protect your health, no matter your decisions. A healthcare practitioner that you trust with not being judgmental is an invaluable source of advice too. I hope you find the right balance between meeting your needs for companionship, love, touch, intimacy, and sex, and staying safe during this pandemic.

***

Check out all Sex Ed for Bi Guys posts here, including articles such as Hook-up and dating apps, Dating men, women, and nonbinary folks, and Safer oral sex (with latex or not).

Come see us on r/BisexualMen on Reddit; we are a supportive community for bisexual, bicurious, pansexual, and polysexual men (cis, trans, and nonbinary), as well as for men questioning their sexual orientation. We also have a a Discord server with a whole bunch of chatrooms. Come join us!

Tip me or become a monthly supporter on Ko-fi if this post has helped you and you can afford it!

All images are borrowed from the internet and are in the post because I like them. If you are the copyright owner or a person in the image, contact me: I’ll gladly credit you, or remove the image at your request.

[deanofwhumpuniversity]

Aurora Australis: Part 1

The beginning of Argos’ captivity

Content Warning: Mental/emotional whump, body horror/dismantling of a robot, mental confusion, diss@sociation, dehumanizing language (toward a non-human person, but still. Slightly creepy/intimate whumper, non-consensual touch, careless whumper, android whumpee. Tell me if I missed anything that I should warn for.

@whumpthisway and @redstainedsocks had a prompt that sorta falls into this, not exactly, maybe it’ll be up your alley anyway?

...

Rustle. Shuffle. Click-scrape. Peel-pop. Rustlerustlerustle

Awareness began to filter back in through the dark, sluggish in a way that was new and worrying. Argos knew he knew the sounds around him, but his mind refused to form them into a useful narrative, instead following each audible oddity like a cat after a laser. So he tried to focus on something other than sound, and realized he was being jostled; almost passively, as if the pressure on his arm was incidental and the goal had naught to do with him at all.

How had he gotten here? Where was here anyway? Why had he been powered down in the first place? He tried to access his info banks from just before the shutdown, but the most immediate data seemed corrupted. Argos began to rewind his sense memory; jolts of static pushed back against his consciousness, forcing him out of the playback again and again. Every burst of fuzziness muddied his thoughts and threatened to make him forget what he was attempting. He rerouted his processes, drawing his senses away from the manhandling of his frame and the white noise surrounding him, to focus on pushing through his damaged memory. Static with no ears to grate on or eyes to confuse, static that still rubbed his senses raw like nails on the chalkboard of his mind, and finally, finally, heavily distorted sensory input began to play back. He tried to place what he was seeing. Did he recall...trees? Was that a person?

“There we are!” 

A peeling-tearing noise and an exclamation shook Argos from his search, expanding his senses back into his body, and the first thing he fully processed was that he did not know that voice. He began to boot up his eyes, wondering how addled his brain must be that he hadn’t thought to do so before. But in the same moment he knew that once he did, this unknown human would be able to tell he was awake. My visual display wasn’t designed for stealth. What a strange thought to have...

But as his faceplate lit up with scrolling green glyphs, the woman who came into focus wasn’t paying any attention to his expression, instead peering intently through a mounted magnifying glass, tinkering around in a bit of armor he recognized had once been plating his lower arm. It was familiar to him, a piece of him but no longer part of him. He searched his sensory map and found his arm. It was still his, still there. Seemed...in working order, but he didn’t try to move it. Not yet. The plate the human handled reverently was discolored on the outside, warped even. He was sure he knew what burn damage looked like, though he’d never seen it on himself before. This human must be here to fix him. 

“Lim, come look at this!” 

Someone approached from Argos’ other side. Left, his mind unhelpfully supplied. North? Upon realizing that he wasn’t sure, he began to cast about in his software again. Compass, magnetic direction, this should be ingrained, shouldn’t it? He’d always known where he was. Hadn’t he? He was even more concerned to realize that he simply didn’t remember whether or not he’d ever felt this lost before. He hoped not. He didn’t like it.

That train of thought came to a halt as the new figure came into focus. That one, he knew that one. How did he know that one? His visual field widened ever so slightly, and he saw he was in an open tent, flaps pinned back and sunlight streaming in. There were more tents, distant figures, and trees beyond.  He felt an odd sense of familiarity, a technological deja-vu that meant somewhere in his visual databanks lay an image that would match up with this clearing. All he had to do was go through every moment, frame by frame, until he found it, and he would know where he was and hopefully, how he had gotten here.

But the new figure, the Lim human he presumed, was speaking, and for some reason Argos was so distracted with watching his movements that he barely caught the exchange. “-- be awake like this?” He was standing over Argos now, looking directly at his face, blue-grey eyes flicking back and forth slightly like he was trying to read the streams of vertical light that played across it. Argos found that thought strangely...endearing? That was new. He willed himself to display a disarming smile in the flickering lights for a moment, but the man simply furrowed his brow further.

The other human, the mechanic, started at this question and pushed the magnifying glass aside. She blinked up at Argos’ display as her eyes refocused, as though she was just now remembering the bit of armor she’d been examining had come from a whole body. Her momentary confusion was instantly replaced with a beaming smile, and instead of answering, she leaned in close to Argos’ faceplate. “Well look at you, all shiny and green! How long have you been up and running?” She was so close her eyes nearly crossed to watch the symbols of his display, and he had to consciously keep the data stream from speeding up along with his racing thoughts.

Personal space. Humans expect a meter of personal space from unknown persons, +.1 meter for every centimeter in height you have over them. Argos heard this admonishment in a lightly accented voice that he knew intrinsically, knew better than his own titanium bones, emanating from nowhere but simply existing in his mind, deeper than his hazy recent memory, too deep to be lost from data corruption or structural damage or whatever had happened to bring him to this circumstance.

He tried to shift back against the table, but he was already as flat as was possible, in a slumped and inhuman posture, apparently having been dead weight when he’d been laid down. He cringed internally, and realized he’d allowed the feeling to play across his face for just a moment before he schooled himself. The mechanic either didn’t notice the change, or didn’t understand it, and continued eyeing him with somewhat manic glee. He hoped if he answered her question perhaps she would move back to her stool.

“I…” He began to speak and both humans leaned back. The woman’s face was even more excited than before, somehow. But the man’s expression was one of...distaste? This worried Argos, though he wasn’t sure entirely why. He started again, “I don’t know. I don’t know what time it is...what day it is. My internal clock seems to have desynced.” 

He was becoming more lucid by the moment, he knew that he was deeply damaged, both in hardware and in soft, but he had all the means at his disposal to get his bearings and make repairs. He cast about for a wireless signal, something he could use to sync with, to triangulate the time and place, and found a likely beacon on the periphery of his senses. He sent a signal to it, attempting to pair, but a sharp white jolt poured back into him. Not information, not data, but the absolute absence of it, a molten wipe that erased his request and cauterized his ability to send again. The readout on his faceplate devolved into static as his thoughts were overloaded and wiped clear of anything but pain, and his body arched in fits off the table as nonsense commands were sent to his synthetic muscles. He couldn’t remember words, or language, and he didn’t mean to try to speak, but a series of distressed metallic trills came from the speakers at the base of his throat.

It may have been a moment, or an hour, and he felt feverish as coolant rushed to prevent his processors from overheating. Even if he’d been able to trust his own internal clock, he couldn’t focus on anything but a litany of stop stop make it stop. He’d disconnected from the wireless beacon almost immediately but the feedback ran its course through his frame, down his arms and legs then doubling back to smolder in his core. Finally, gradually Argos felt his thoughts falling back into order, almost like waking from a reboot but not quite so drowsy, and not nearly so refreshing. Aftershocks of blank, dataless pain danced about his systems, and he felt his fingers twitching without his control. When he was able to focus his optics again, he saw the mechanic’s smile had become less childlike, more wolfish. 

“That’ll be the wireless jammer, sorry I didn’t warn you, but we haven’t exactly had a chance to speak, have we?” She reached up, resting her hand just above the reflective plate that served Argos as a face, as though cupping his cheek from an inch away. He imagined he could still feel her touch, fingerprints on the glass, sinking through to tangle in the circuits underneath. He couldn’t help the jerking shudder at the thought, but felt some morbid relief that she would see it as another spasm of lingering pain. “I have it under control, thanks.” Her eyes didn’t move, though it was clear she wasn’t speaking to him.

“We should still restrain it. Physically.” Lim was still there, husky voice so neutral as to sound almost bored. This troubled Argos before he even had time to process the human’s words. “At least until you have it disassembled.”

[theperplexityoftheunknown]

What is a relationship to be continued

You may ask yourself why this is Important yet it is very important! We will discuss Why they are important to your well being and what type of person you are in a relationship? I think if you take the time to read this post in its entirety and intense complexity you will have a better understanding of where you are in life and what more you can become by understanding the perplexity of every relation to man or relationship because trust me THIS BABY is going to get TOUGH.

Lets start of with the first question what is a relationship

the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other. : a romantic or sexual friendship between two people. : the way in which two or more people or things are connected.

Please go ahead and read one more time because that may or may not be the closest thing of a relationship to that you have a mutual relation  and understanding of but its way, way more complex just keep reading.

Each relationship we have encountered has been determined by how we were raised Im going to refer to some quick psycho-social information coming from a study introduced during world war 2 by British psychoanalyst john bowbly, whose lonely childhood gave him a lifelong interest in the power of parenthood.

In the 1970s a test was conducted by Bowlby’s student Mary Ainsworth. She performed the strange situation test where children that's age ranged from 12-18 months were put  in a toy-filled room with their mother and given a chance to play. A stranger enters and interacts with the parent and child,then mom exited the room-- leaving behind a confused and alarmed little kid. A few minutes later mom returned and comforted her toddler. Needless to say being separated from the person who feeds, protects, and tends to you is frighting for any toddler, but the test showed definite categories of reaction to that fear.

Why is this important ?

Early Attachment.

As seen above you can see that a study was conducted concerning attachment styles. It's important because it is with this information that you find out what type of relationships You are going to be compatible with. Some types absolutely do not collide but if you think this is all about “how do i form a relationship” well keep reading because its not possible for everyone.

1 Secure, when it is evident to have a secure attachment style when the parenting style was: Warm, attentive,relatively consistent, and quick to respond based on that approach the child's Baseline Emotional Status (BES) would have been happy, confident, and curious which would have subconsciously continues into adulthood with the Child’s expectation of life being: My need will be met

2. Anxious -Ambivalent/resistant, it is evident to have an anxious attachment style when the parenting style was: Inconsistent: sometimes responsive and sometimes not. The Child's BES would have been Insecure, anxious, and intensely emotional which in return would have subconsciously continued into adulthood with the child's expectation of life being: “IF i act in the right ways, I might earn love and my needs may be met”

3. Avioident- ,it is evident to have a avoidant attachment style when the parenting style was: Distant and Cold, or harsh and critical. The child's BES would have been Emotionally shut down which in return would have subconsciously continued into adulthood with the child's expectation of life being: “I can't trust anyone to meet my needs. I must meet my own needs.

Im sure your getting the idea of why this is now important

Lets looks at three statements

1 I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them. I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.

2. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or doesn't want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.

3 i am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others:  i find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than i feel comfortable being

In 1987 psychologist cindy hazan and philip shaver reported the results of the statements above  they called it the ‘love quiz’

56% of adults respondents had identified themselves as secure, 19% as anxious and 25% as avoidant

The perfect combination

Secure people tend to have the most secure relationships, and a relationship needs only ONE secure partner to get that stability. With a partner who is happy to give reassurance and isn't threatened by the idea of being needed, an anxious person can relax, and is often loyal and loving. With someone who doesn't take it personally when their partner wants time alone,avoidant people can worry less about being tied down- however, most of the compromises in the relationship will likely be made by the secure partner. The real problem comes when two insecure types get together. If relationships often get messy for you, learning to recognize attachment styles and understanding how they clash can give you a path through the conflict

But then again Here comes perhaps the most perlex question i can ask? What happens in adult hood when you experience the pain and turama of a heartbreak?

What particularly does that do to each individual and how do they cope?

Do some people perhaps just shut down! Absolutely not! One subconsciously gains the ability to cope with their losses how? Lets start with:

Sexual compulsion – Relationship with sex, attachment and sexual orientation

I know your wondering What the Fuck where did this just turn to but trust me, or dont but you may or may not want to hear this or perhaps your brain craves the knowledge to understand and you ask yourself why your life is working in the way it is; remembemer its all in you!

I believe the first coping skill for some may be Hypersexuallity which I will refer to later.

2. I believe a conduct Disorder  DSM-IV-TR 314.9 Is primary consistent with feelings of Emotional shock from a previous ‘heartbreaking’ or traumatic event.

I will explain. I'm going to refer to the diagnostic features of conduct disorder which manifest itself  as a repetitive and persistent pattern in  which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated. These behaviours fall into four main groupings” Criteria A1-A7 aggressive conduct that causes or threatens physical harm to other people or animals .

Or see criteria A8-A9 nonaggressive conduct that causes property loss or damage Or see A9 - A13, DECEITFULNESS OR THEFT

It is definite that promiscuous behavior is dangerous therefore someone engaging in Criteria a1-a7 w/o aggression and associated with parts or in hole with A8-9

Furthermore  the prevalence of conduct disorder appears to have increased over the last decades and may be higher in urban than in rural settings.

Course.

Individuals with conduct disorder are at risk for later mood disorders, anxiety disorders, somatoform disorders, and substance related disorders.

Sexual addiction, also known as hypersexual disorder, is associated with serious psychosocial problems for many people.

Sexual addiction, which is also known as hypersexual disorder, has been associated with serious psychosocial problems for many people although it has not been recognized as a disorder that merits inclusion in the DSM (Quadland, 1985) – see Karila et al. (2014) for review. Originally, Carnes (1983)published a book titled Out of the shadows: Understanding sexual addiction, which has raised interest in the area and facilitated a discussion on the best way to define and diagnose the disorder. Despite different views about pathological characteristics of sexual addiction there is an agreement that this is a progressive relapsing condition which does not merely refer to a pathological diagnosis of sexual lifestyle that is socially deviant (Edger, 2010).

Sexual addiction involves compulsive behaviors such as constantly seeking new sexual partners, having frequent sexual encounters, engaging in compulsive masturbation and frequently using pornography. Despite efforts to reduce or stop excessive sexual behaviors individuals find it difficult to stop and they engage in risky sexual activities, pay for sexual services and resist behavioral changes to avert HIV risk (Carnes, 1991; Coleman-Kennedy & Pendley, 2002; Coleman, Raymond & McBean, 2003; Kalichman & Rompa, 1995). Sexual compulsivity has been associated with the number of unprotected vaginal sex acts with female sexual workers, lower self-efficacy for condom use, greater use of illicit drugs, and more financial need (Semple et al., 2010).

Cognitive and emotional symptoms include obsessive thoughts of sex, feelings of guilt about excessive sexual behavior, the desire to escape from or suppress unpleasant emotions, loneliness, boredom, low self-esteem, shame, secrecy regarding sexual behaviors, rationalization about the continuation of sexual behaviors, indifference toward a regular sexual partner, a preference for anonymous sex, a tendency to disconnect intimacy from sex, and an absence of control in many aspects of life (Carnes, 2000, 2001; Carnes & Schneider, 2000; Coleman et al., 2003; Coleman-Kennedy & Pendley, 2002). Finally, some studies find that sexual addiction is associated with or in response to dysphoric affects (Black, Kehrberg, Flumerfelt & Schlosser, 1997; Raymond, Coleman & Miner, 2003; Reid, 2007; Reid, Carpenter, Spackman & Willes, 2008; Reid & Carpenter, 2009) or stressful life events (Miner et al., 2007).

Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1979, 1982) argued that early attachment experiences affect personal and social life, professional relationships, dealing with stress, mental and physical health and cognitive development. According to recent developments in attachment theory, those who developed a safe attachment style which is not anxious or avoidant during infancy can form healthy relationships in adolescence and adulthood and handle life problems (Uytun, Oztop, Esel & Mdusunen, 2013). Individuals with secure attachment are expected to have low chances of becoming addicted to sex since they regulate and limit their sexual activity more than those with insecure attachment (Zapf, Greiner & Carroll, 2008). Furthermore, individuals who are addicted to sex are looking for sexual activity without the need for emotional relationships and they are more likely to be characterized by avoidant or anxious attachment (Gentzler & Kerns, 2004).

Gay men are diverse with respect to the sexual behaviors they both desire and enact (Moskowitz & Roloff, 2010; Sanderson, 1994). Moreover, gay men differ from other groups in their sexual behavior. Research shows that, on average, gay men have more partners, engage in more risky sexual behavior, and are more likely to seek sexual sensation than other groups, such as heterosexual men, women and lesbians (Bailey, Gaulin, Agyei & Gladue, 1994; Ekstrand, Stall, Paul, Osmond & Coates, 1999; Thompson, Yager & Martin, 1993). But among homosexual men there is variability in the propensity to engage in compulsive unprotected sex. Meyer and Dean (1995) have reported that about 6% of their 149 young New York City gay men (aged 18–24 years) engaged in very high risk behavior, defined as unprotected receptive anal intercourse with multiple partners. It appears that very high risk takers are qualitatively different from other risk takers: they reported more mental health problems, including more drug use and higher levels of internalized homophobia and AIDS-related traumatic stress response. Furthermore, there are moderators of sexual behavior among gay men such as being in monogamous relationships. Also sexual health and sexual health behaviors for example sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) were most influential over the enactment of sexual behavior or desires (Moskowitz & Roloff, 2010).

Few studies investigated sexual compulsivity among heterosexual and homosexual men. Furthermore, to the best of our knowledge, the relationships between compulsive sexual behavior and attachment and sexual preference or orientation have not been investigated before. We have therefore investigated sexual compulsivity and attachment style among populations of heterosexual and homosexual men and women. We hypothesized that secure attachment would be associated with lower rates of sex compulsion. Secondly, that homosexual men and women would show higher levels of sexual compulsivity than heterosexual men and women. Thirdly, we hypothesized that attachment style might mediate between sexual orientation and sexual compulsion.

[kkemtal]

A Hopeless Romantic's Acknowledgement Letter To 'The Only Exception' (My Overthinking Rants #23094589)

June 3, 2021

The hectic and unpredictable errands at my demanding job has become my new norm. This is not anymore college that my teenage self yearns to visit the memory lane and relive my moments of youth. The days of chasing adrenaline rush whilst being thrown to outrageous social circles, extra-curricular activities and exams. But, what's common in both of these chapters of my life is that at the end of the day, I always think and wonder about you. Still, I couldn't find an answer to this somewhat insignificant phenomenon since 2018. It's not an obsession for I'm not anymore on that infatuation stage nor being harbored with flattery feelings on the thought of you that would distract me during my whole day of work and self-focus. Sure, I had those risque dreams and the innocent ones about you which we have adorably admitted it through our hilarious flirty lewd roleplaying conversations a few days ago.

Really getting emotional right now and couldn't express this out loud of how much I want and need you. Don't wanna be a disturbance nor come out kind of as needy of your attention while you're focusing on your abroad ambitions. Better be stuck in a daydream or on dreamland exhibiting how much I want to genuinely love again if given another shot by the Universe at the right time made. But, you as the subject to my simplest intimate actions - cooking for you, watching suggested films together, joining you with me in playing hardcore games as a tease, cuddling while engaging to deep talks. Wanna be the one protecting you like a blanket covering a baby as a matter of security in times where you will be all weary about the world being too much for you. Or being your listener as if I were your teddy bear that you can embrace anytime you need to and be reminded that all of your worries will go away soon. I wish I will prove that to you someday once you come back here if you could still hold on to giving me a chance and trust in each other.

In other times, I always thought about the past findings I discovered about you or visiting our chat history traced back at college times. It is my subtle coping mechanism on missing you this much. Questioning alot about our synchronized flirtatious conversations such as throwing hints through frivolous jokes that somewhat display our gradual ignition of inexplicably undeniabe attraction to one another from mental, emotional and physical aspect.

I kept reminiscing every significant moment of what we had to linger that special connection I have always yearned for in which I could not find from a sea of different people I have met - business, casual dates and fellow admirers. The spiral of these thoughts about you has taken a toll on me holding on til I hit the hay around 2AM. It's a wrestle between my heart and my mind. Just by remembering my sombre moments of the repressed undeniable feelings I have with you.

Deeply stalking and realizing that you still had someone at that college period but then a memory flashes back on me where you've mentioned that you were still in a complicated relationship during our first night ride with other youth club mates at the L300 when your closest boy best friend started the 'get to know' informal game while we were travelling to the designated campsite. I was sulking deeply as if my fresh wounds were rubbed against a grain of salt. Lights were turned off inside my bedroom after arriving from my night classes and was pleading to God to help me overcome this confusion and denial since it's been a burdening weight off my shoulder from after a few months away of breaking free from my last toxic ex-boyfriend . This phase of developing feelings for you from the beginning of our early friendship since youth camp had plunged me down to a hopeless hole. Couldn't bear the thought of being rejected nor planted myself with false hopes of reciprocated feelings from realizing how much I seriously liked you. I was super soft and cautious everytime we planned to see each other if our school errand schedules were not so tight.

Until this very day, even though we're close 'friends' and sometimes we'd update each other about our current situation while being away and fixated on our ambitions, I still feel that tinge of special happiness and also got diffident whenever you chatted me. I always have that naturally instant shyness by being with you ever since college. Like, I admit I'm still shy whenever we started talking or hanging out until my shyness goes away the longer we stayed on our dates. I have never felt this way with anyone I had admired before.

I swear to God. You are Paramore's famous titular song - The Only Exception. You beat all the men (boys) who are generally just being swooned by my appearance drooling over my attention as if venerating with a lustful gaze at an intricately marvelling marbled Greek statue. I don't receive much appreciation based from my intellect, personality or simply 'me'. Those opposite species are no fun and thrill for me because I instinctively just feel their magnifying attraction towards me in a superficial level, it's a game over. I'm always having second thoughts and deeply prudent and fearful at the same time for people I casually dated before.

Especially learning so much anecdotes from dating in this generation, the more I want my inner peace to stay intact and never again will I ever fall into those ephemeral illusory traps. The more I get exhausted on starting anew by getting to know different strangers through casual dates in this exploratory world. It is a challenge I set to myself in testing the depth of my feelings for you, in hopes maybe there could be better than you in terms of sparks. I was glad on how gravely disappointed I am each time a person I fling with stops being connected with me. I had a good feeling as to why there's countless withdrawals or nothing worked out from those people. I finally understand why the moment I shared this to you. Now, with our healthy boundaries and clearer hints about our growing relationship in a long distance. There's no pressure between us.

And that's you whom I randomly sent Always Forever by Cults, Forevermore by Cuco and Sofia by Clairo for you to know how much I'm missing you and thinking about you almost each day I'm alive listening through those songs. I guess I really love you more than just a friend or a sibling. I want to skip to the chapter of the falling-out-of-love days and being together on boredom where silence is part of our language we commonly fathom its essence. I want to love you during your worst days. The most imaginable painful times I could think of in dealing with the imperfect sides of your whole being - your anger, pride, disappointments. I want to endure with you no matter how much ugly shades you'd throw at me once we'll slowly grow more comfortable around each other. I wish you're the one in this forbidden world that God has gifted me someone I would be with in overcoming our obstacles and flaws as partners in the long run of our developing relationship.

But then again, I should not be serious for we are still on this age of youth and exploration. No matter what, I will wait for you while riding in this flow between us and what's in it for us by the Universe in the future. Of course, there'll always be a limit on my patience that should not be taken for granted nor abused only to be set aside as a hook. That is a huge pang of disappointment born from being one-sided, which drives me back going down memory lane. Maybe that confession at Starbucks was nothing but a phase for you at that moment and we just took it differently. I'm scared that your depth of feelings for me at that moment was just merely pure admiration and mine was much more than that. The emotional aspect that encompasses from mental all the way to intimate attraction.

Have to end this rant as it is getting lengthy for this sad girl monologue.

If you ever come across and discover this perspective narrated about you, just know how much it really means to me or how much it makes me happy from your out-of-the-blue greeting and anything you want to tell me or ask me about at Messenger. You'll be the main reason as to why it has made my day special. It might be small but it is significant enough to motivate me even more.

PS: Listening to Sis by Clairo repetitively by writing down these midnight thoughts as my mind's cushion and solace.

- kkemtal

[ofgeneticperfection]

CHARACTER STATISTICS     !

TAGGED BY : snagged from @animus-inspire

TAGGING : do this - it’s really interesting, and I want to see yours!

——   PHYSICAL STATS  

RUNNING SPEED   —   8 / 10 - She can be fast when she needs to be though the need to sprint full speed doesn’t come up all that often. 

RUNNING ENDURANCE   —   10 / 10 - She’s built to endure, not to say she can’t get winded, but she can keep up for quite some time.

LIFTING STRENGTH   —   5 / 10 - Physically she’s not going to be lifting anything super heavy. Though mentally...10/10 as she can throw rather large objects with her mind but the bigger the object the more strain upon her energy and body. 

CARRYING ENDURANCE   —   4 / 10 - Don’t expect her to carry much of anything for long. She likes her hands free.

JUMPING ABILITY   —   8 / 10 - She’s got those feline reflexes and agility in her training. 

THROWING STRENGTH   —  10 / 10 - Her weapons are throwing based, it takes skill to toss a fanblade hard enough to slice someone though she also partially controls their movements and direction with her mind. 

STEALTH ABILITY   —   9 / 10 - Though she loves to make her presence known she can stealth in and out of places when needed. You’ll never see her coming unless it’s too late. 

PAIN TOLERANCE   —   10 / 10 - It can hurt bad but she’s well trained to ignore it, years of experiments might do that to a person. If you let pain get in the way, you die. It’s gone until it’s safe to feel it. 

SWIMMING SPEED   —   5 / 10 - She really doesn’t swim much but I’m sure she’s capable of handling it well enough.

SWIMMING ENDURANCE   —  8 / 10 - Like I’ve said before, built to endure as long as her energy remains. 

STRETCHING ABILITY   —   10 / 10 - She’s fairly fast and flexible.

DANCING ABILITY   —   9 / 10 - The dance of combat she’s been trained in? Fast. On point. Reactive. As far as normal dancing? She’s not had many reasons to do it but she’d probably learn fairly quick. 

CLIMBING ABILITY   —   8 / 10 -  She can definitely climb if she needs too. 

TOUCH SENSITIVITY  ( PLATONIC )   —   2 / 10 - I’m not quite sure how this goes but she hates being touched, especially by random people. She feels it but she definitely doesn’t like it to the point that she tenses up. 

TOUCH SENSITIVITY  ( INTIMATE )   —   10 / 10 - Though when it comes to the rare people she’s really into and cares for she feels everything zap through her being and will definitely make her melt.

GENERAL REFLEXES   —   10 / 10 - Designed to protect, trained to fight, anything could be a threat at any moment and she’s always ready for that. 

OVERALL PHYSICAL CONDITION   —    10 / 10

——   MENTAL STATS

ADVANCED MATHEMATICS   —   5 / 10 - The only math she does is medical related so forget wasting her time on the algebra and crazy formulas. 

SIMPLE MATHEMATICS   —   8 / 10 - She can calculate what she needs to on a daily basis.

SPATIAL AWARENESS   —   10 / 10 - She’s highly aware of anything that goes on around her, even if it seems she isn’t paying attention. She always is and she doesn’t miss a thing. 

CHEMISTRY UNDERSTANDING   —   7 / 10 - She knows enough to create her own serums and drugs that she may be required to make .

BIOLOGICAL UNDERSTANDING   —   10 / 10 - She’s Hojo’s assistant, you can bet she knows the ins and outs of biology. Biogenetics are her forte. 

NATURE SCIENCES UNDERSTANDING   —   5  / 10 - She’s not been out of ShinRa much, unless studying an animal she’s not an environmental expert. But if we’re talking about understanding the nature of people? Now that’s a whole other ball game. 

CREATIVE INTELLIGENCE   —   10 / 10 - She has to be creative to get herself out of those risky situations she puts herself in. 

ARTISTIC ABILITY   —   5 / 10 - I’m not really sure she can draw very well. Handwriting is about as artistic as it gets. 

MUSICAL PROWESS   —   6 / 10 -  She loves to sing on her own time but that’s about it.

MIMICKING ABILITY  ( AUDITORY )   —   6 / 10 - She can put on an accent if need be.

ODD PROBLEM-SOLVING —   10 / 10 - She’s in a lot of odd situations so I’d suspect she’s pretty good at solving odd problems that come up in the labs or elsewhere. 

COMPREHENSION  ( SPOKEN WORD )   —   10 / 10 - She doesn’t miss a thing and she doesn’t forget either. 

COMPREHENSION  ( WRITTEN WORD )   —   10 / 10 - Her job half consists of reading and understanding files and records. She also loves to learn everything she can about anyone she crosses paths with. If you have a file in ShinRa? You can bet she’s read it. 

COMEDIC ABILITY   —   3 / 10 - She tends to be overly serious or not wanting to be bothered. On a friend level she’s a bit more open however, but I’m not sure she’s purposely funny. 

COMEDIC TIMING   —  7 / 10 - Do we count witty responses and sarcasm here? Cuz that might be a 10 if so :| 

OVERALL MENTAL PROWESS   —   9/10

——   EMOTIONAL STATS

INTERPERSONAL INSTINCT   —   9 / 10 - She’s great at reading people and adjusting herself to situations. Sometimes she doesn’t care to be polite or ease the flow but she’s an A class manipulator for damn sure. So she’s got it when she wants to have it that is. When it comes to reading others she probably knows what you want before you are even aware of it yourself. 

EXTROVERSION   —   3 / 10 - She’s pretty introverted, even if she does like to show off at times. But that has nothing to do with Extroversion really...she hates being around mass amounts of people. 

MORAL COMPASS   —   5 / 10 - She’s pretty neutral here. Nothing is black and white and she might definitely do things to benefit herself. Not to say that certain things may not haunt her down the road. 

EMPATHY   —   4 / 10 - She can emphasize when she truly cares about someone otherwise she may shut it off completely. Emotions are distracting after all. 

EXTRASENSORY ABILITY —   10 / 10 - Her senses are very keen and precise, not to mention her telekinetic and telepathic abilities. 

EMOTIONAL ENDURANCE   —   9 / 10 -  This is tricky because whether its enduring or ignoring is the bigger question. I’d rate it 9 for endure because wither way she’s able to push through emotions until she is safe to let herself feel them. She can hide them or shut them off completely but this always leads to volatile outbursts and breakdowns later down the road. Nothing can stay in forever. 

COPING ABILITY   —    8 / 10 - She’s fantastic at coping, maybe sometimes a bit dramatic and it all goes to hell if she hits that breaking point. 

TENDENCY TOWARDS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR   —   7 / 10 - She’s manipulative more than abusive, but if she’s interrogating or paying someone back it could get a bit nasty. 

TENDENCY TOWARDS VICTIM BEHAVIOUR   —   3 / 10 - Sometimes she feels she’s been victim to Hojo but she doesn’t exactly let it consume her. If anything it fuels her own anger. 

LEVEL OF DENIAL   —   10  / 10 - She literally swims in the sea of denial. 

PROTECTOR COMPLEX   —   10 / 10 - If she loves you then the person who hurt you is dead, or worse..... Count on that. 

DAMSEL COMPLEX   —   0 / 10 - She’s no damsel in distress, she’ll hurt you bad if you cross her. Mentally or physically you won’t be the same. 

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY  ( WITH PARTNER )   —   10 / 10. When she does find that rare partner it’s everything to her. She can confide in them and share her heart and you can expect to be able to do the same with her. 

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY  ( WITH FRIENDS )   —   5 / 10. It’s all or nothing with her, but a friend is trusted enough for her to at least be able to listen and share some things. 

EMOTIONAL COMPREHENSION   —    10 / 10 - She understands others probably more than she understands herself and that’s an area that can get confusing. 

TENDENCY TOWARDS PANIC   —    1 / 10 -  She really doesn’t panic, in most cases she’s calm and collective. Though she can panic if she’s having a volatile moment, it just isn’t often. 

GENERAL EMOTIONAL STABILITY   —    3 / 10. (For her sheer volatility and psychotic tendencies that she loves to deny.)