#its always nice to know there is someone out there that cares
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Just a thought and no offense but I think Logan just wants to be in love and feel loved in return.
(This isnt proofread and came out as rambling so have fun trying to read it and decipher it! 😅)
So WE ALL know that Logan can be flirty, and that he may have had a period where he was a bit of a manwhore (*cough* 70s Logan *cough*)
I feel like that period though, and any other flings, one night stands, etc whatever was less out of lust and more of a desperation to feel SOME kind of human connection bc the mans so lonely and has been treated like a soldier, a weapon for so long that hes desperate for human connection, even if it makes him end up feeling depraved afterwards. Post-nut clarity wakes him up next to some girl he met at a bar, and guilt sinks its teeth into him because he doesnt even know her name, much less actually LIKE her. The man was born in the 1800s, he may have grown with time but you cannot tell me theres not some inkling of being a gentleman- and wanting to find someone you truly love, hidden in there somewhere. I think overtime he may fall into this routine, believing he needed to be a walking sex magnet, gruff, cocky, whatever have you because hes convinced its the only way he can have a connection with someone, even if its for a few passionate moments under bedsheets, and an awkward "that was nice. Bye"
It only fuels his self hatred, convincing him that he really his just an animal, looking to get his sick desires out, eat, fuck, sleep, survive.
When we see him in the X movies, as a cage fighter he is brutal and rough and he doesnt seem to have a caring bone in his body yet he still manages to find himself caring about this young girl who stowawayed in his trailer, and does help her, even if he acts like this version of logan he created. Someone who doesnt care. But he cares. A lot.
Its not until he meets YOU, that he starts to wonder if he got it all wrong. Kind, beautiful, smart YOU.
I fully believe that logan just wants a partner. One night stands, flings, what have you, were just him lying to himself, desperate to feel something other than hate. After he lost his memories, and he began just wandering, the concept of love was lost on him. And lust wasnt there anymore either. He was approached by women, perfectly fine, pretty women, all the time during his time cage fighting, bars, etc. He turned them all away- completely opposite of logan 30-40 years ago (my timing probs not right on xmen lol) who was convinced the only way he was living was if he had ass next to him every night he went to sleep because he was lonely. This version of logan, lost, angry, wanted nothing to do with people. Some of it the repressed feelings coming out from his past that he doesnt even remember. He was convinced then that he had to be alone. Becoming a lone wolf that bared his teeth at anyone who tried to pet it. Secretly though, deep down although he wouldnt admit it, there was that deep desire, that he always felt in his 200 years, that he just wanted to find his mate. He'd call soulmates bullshit if you asked him, but the moment he meets you, hed know that it was real, and that maybe god cursed (gifted) him the ability of healing and practical immortality just so he could find you. And hed do it over and over again, the pain and suffering and loneliness, if it meant you would be the endgoal.
Logan is a pack animal. He needed a family, to protect, and cherish. When he meets and ends up at the x-men, his demeanor and attitude changes quickly to something similar to a dog that snaps at you when you pet it only for it to whine and whimper "im sorry, please dont hate me, i just dont know how to accept love.". Hes still wary, because hed never KNOWN a family before. Put aside his memory loss, the closest things he had to a family was a creep of a brother, and a woman who said she loved him under false pretenses (i still dont like you kayla even if you say it was real). He barely knew his parents, and even then that was a lie because his father wasnt even his biological father. Yeah, Logans life was pretty damn lonely, so its no wonder the man is cautious of anybody and anything.
The moment you come into his life though, that bitterness, anger, and meaningless flirting goes right out the window. Hes serious about you. Hes usually cautious, nervous around people but he meets you and its almost like he threw all those imaginary rules he has for himself out of the window.
Look at how he was with Jean in the movies. He barely knew the woman, they barely shared ANY lines in the movie yet he was almost completely devoted (dont get me started on that storyline). Trust didnt come easy to the wolverine. And Kayla- their relationship just shows how much he wants love and to be loved. I never seen origins but a lot of gifsets and read the synopsis of the plot, but i think he had a feeling with Kayla he couldnt trust (remember how he says hell never go against his gut again?) But he so badly just wanted that connection he ignored all the warning signs and did everything to build a life with this woman who not only tricked him, but put him through unimaginable pain both physically and mentally. (Look I REALLY dont like kayla but i do feel bad for her because stryker did have her sister captive). I know stryker is the evil mastermind here, but god imagine trying to find love with someone, only for it all to be a farce, even if they claimed they did love you the entire time- the intentions from the very beginning was far from love.
Oh but when he is in love with you. From the moment he met you, it wasnt love at first sight exactly, more like a feeling that you were it. Hes all about you. He sticks around, under the pretense that he just needed to make some money first, doing some missions for charles, keep an eye on rogue. He cant admit its because he wants to stay close to you. Hes like a feral cat taking shelter in your shed. Stays away at first, cautious of your spspspsp, but curious nonetheless. Completely ignores the first bowl of food you put down for it- or so you thought because when you came back it was completely devoured. It takes weeks of food and spspsps before it finally warms up to you, but after that first contact with your hand and its head- good luck ever getting rid of it. Not that youd want to 😊
Logan becomes a shadow to you, once you become something akin to friends. (Its really more than that but no ones addressed it). He teases you and flirts with you, and its something you think he does with everyone, until Ororo tells you that he only does it to you. Sometimes he just sits in your company, other times hes curious about what youre working on, not wanting to start the convo, but does things like leering over your shoulder (which he may or may not be doing just to he close to you and get a good whiff of the smell of your hair). He stresses when you go on missions without him. He slowly opens up about his past to you when he begins to get his memories back. Trusting only you (and maybe charles) with the truth ablut the man he used to be, and still is.
When your feelings finally do come out in the open though, however it happens, that first kiss, the first time you make love, etc etc. Logans a different man. I mean, hes still that cocky, grumpy person we all know and love. But he carried himself differently. Hes confident and wiser, hes comfortable, and hes happy. He found a home, his pack. And maybe after countless conversations about his past, the things hes done, and the comforting words and understandings you give him, he starts to learn that he isnt so bad, because if you love him, YOU, the most wonderful person hes ever known in 200 years, love him despite all of his violence and hatred and slight whoreish tendecies back in the 70s...then he must be alright.
He doesnt need to worry about his past anymore, when hes got you, right there with him, promising a loving future together.
#this was not proofread#so dont judge me#im just spilling out my thoughts#i wanna know logans inner psyche#logan howlett#logan howlett x reader#wolverine#logan howlett x you#i just feel like logan just wants love#but is convinced hell never get it#hes convinced hes the worst man on earth so he does things he thinks bad men do#only to make himself feel worse and worse#i also know comic logan is a bit different from movie logan so this is solely based on movie logan
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SEMI-FINALS MATCH 2
Karlach propaganda:
“Sweetest girl ever. She could throw you across a room. She can burn down a house. But she just wants a hug and to be cared about and to live her life.”
“Definitively overused phrase but she's a golden retriever she's so cute!”
“She's the perfect woman!!! She's so nice and cute and silly and strong and wow I love girls”
"Karlach is the champion slave of one of the Devils in a layer of hell, and was sold to her by someone she trusted, and on TOP of that she is an experiment with an engine for a heart and she knows she’s going to die and is in fairly constant pain but DESPITE that she is relentlessly positive and outgoing and silly because her spirit cannot be fucking crushed no matter WHAT"
Claude Propaganda:
"To say Claude has trust issues is an understatement—you have to spend half the game earning his. (Claude isn't even his real name!) Once you have it, though, he's absolutely ride or die for you until the stars go out. He is so full of heart and ambition: He wants both sides of his heritage to get along, he wants to open borders and eliminate xenophobia and promote equality between commonfolk, and deep down, I think he craves a partner to stand with him at that new dawn, or an equal who sees his vision for the future and will fight for it just as hard. Nobody believed in him when he was a kid, but if you put your faith in him, he'll return it tenfold. Some people don't like that he's calculating, or has to leave the player character at the end of the game to go back to his homeland, but both are necessary elements for his goals to change things. He will always come back, and everyone who bets against him and his love for his companions is wrong with a big fat W. #KhalidForMostDatablePrez"
"Claude is a fun little onion of facades. He calls himself the embodiment of distrust, he acts like he's carefree and without worries, an unscrupulous schemer--and so many in universe buy into that hook line and sinker. He's used to others viewing him with suspicion and uses it as armor to obscure his not-so-dark truth: that he cares immensely, that he values minimizing the loss of life, and that above all he has so much hope that people will fundamentally choose to do better given the choice.
His front guards a center that his conflict filled world would be happy to tear apart. As the child of people from two nations in constant conflict--one of which is explicitly isolationist and dehumanizes those outside its church's reach--he hasn't really had a place where he can be without his facade. As a child he thought he could run, but when confronted with the fact that this hatred existed no matter where he ran, he chose to instead try to create a more just and kind world.
His inability to let others in beyond his facade at first may lead to a sense of distance, but isn't it then all the more satisfying when you're allowed in? All he wants is a little trust, a little faith, and--like what he wants to give everyone--a chance to be better.
And like that you got a charming young lad with a fun personality that your grandma would be thrilled to have stay forever."
#karlach#karlach cliffgate#Baldur's Gate 3#BG3#claude von riegan#Fire Emblem#Fire Emblem: Three Houses#FE:3H#Semi-Finals#MDDC 2
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𝜗𝜚 farmgirl!reader surprises stableboy!rafe with a picnic
c!w; basically none... fluff ! yippee! soft!rafe !
notes; first actual farmgirl!reader fic yayay ( someone take my tumblr away before i make too many !readers. i'm obsessed. )
the sun hung low in the sky, casting a warm, golden glow over the sprawling fields. the scent of wildflowers mingled with the earthy smell of freshly tilled soil as you tugged rafe’s hand, practically dragging him behind you. his larger frame followed reluctantly, boots crunching against the grass, his gruff protests falling on deaf ears.
“what’s the rush?” he grumbled, his deep voice tinged with amusement, though he made no effort to pull away. “i’ve got chores to finish, y'know.”
you glanced back at him, rolling your eyes as you tightened your grip on his calloused hand. “you’re always working,” you shot back. “besides, you’ll like this. just trust me, okay?”
he huffed, his expression skeptical but curious. “’m not sure i like surprises,” he muttered, though the corners of his mouth twitched upward.
the field stretched wide before you, its gentle slope leading toward the crest of the hill. the soft rustle of the grass in the breeze mixed with the distant hum of cicadas, and for a moment, you wondered if you’d done too much. rafe wasn’t exactly the kind of guy who cared about pretty views or picnics, but you’d wanted to do something for him; something simple, something good.
when you finally reached the top, you stopped and turned, throwing out your arms like you were presenting a masterpiece. “ta-da!”
he stilled, his brows furrowing slightly as his gaze swept over the setup. a faded checkered blanket was spread over the grass, a wicker basket sitting in the middle, surrounded by wildflowers you’d picked that morning. from here, the view of the setting sun was perfect, painting the horizon in streaks of amber, pink, and lavender.
“you... did all this?” he asked, his voice quieter now, almost uncertain.
you nodded, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious under his intense gaze. “'course. for us.”
rafe looked at you then, really looked at you, like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. his jaw tightened for a moment, and then he exhaled, shaking his head with a soft chuckle. “you’re somethin’ else, you know that?”
his words sent warmth blooming in your chest as you dropped onto the blanket, patting the spot next to you. “figured you deserved it. all that hay doesn’ stack itself.”
he sat down, his weight sinking into the ground beside you, his knees brushing against yours. “can’t remember the last time someone did somethin’ like this for me,” he admitted, his voice gruff but honest.
“well,” you said, pulling the basket closer and opening it up to reveal the food you’d packed, “someone’s gotta take care of you. you’re always so busy taking care 'f everything else.”
his eyes softened, the usual guarded look he carried melting away as he watched you set out the meal. “you’re too good to me.” he murmured, more to himself than to you.
the two of you ate in comfortable silence, the sun sinking lower with every passing minute. rafe leaned back on his elbows, his broad shoulders stretching the worn fabric of his shirt as he watched the horizon.
“this is nice,” he said finally, breaking the silence.
you smiled, lying back beside him. ��see? i told you you’d like it.”
when he turned to look at you, the fading sunlight framed his face, highlighting the sharp angles of his jaw and the softness in his blue eyes. “i don’t deserve you,” he said quietly, his voice thick with something you couldn’t quite place.
you opened your mouth to argue, but before you could, he shifted closer, one hand cupping the side of your face. his touch was gentle, his thumb brushing against your cheek as his lips captured yours. the kiss was slow, deliberate, filled with a tenderness that didn’t match the rugged front he usually put on.
his other hand found your waist, pulling you closer until you were pressed against him. when he finally pulled back, his forehead rested against yours, his breath warm against your skin.
“you drive me crazy, y'know that?” he whispered, his voice low and rough.
“good,” you teased, a breathless smile tugging at your lips. “someone’s gotta keep you on your toes, stable boy.”
he chuckled, the deep sound rumbling through his chest as he kissed you again, this time with more urgency. the world around you faded, the soft hum of cicadas, the cool breeze, the golden light of the dying sun. it all melted into nothing but the warmth of him, the weight of his hand on your waist, the way he kissed you like you were the only thing that mattered.
and as the stars began to dot the sky, you stayed like that, tangled together on the blanket, the field quiet except for the sound of your laughter and the steady beat of his heart against yours.
taglist ! ; @drewscoquette , @dollyfiles , @holes4rafe , @filthyrafe , @bambiangels , @rafesheaven , ( pls lmk if you want to be added or removed, i wont mind ! )
#*·˚ˎˊ˗works#⊹₊⋆farmgirl!reader#stableboy!rafe#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron#rafe outer banks#rafe cameron fic#rafe x reader#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe fanfiction#rafe x !reader#!reader#rafe cameron x !reader#obx fluff#rafe cameron obx#obx fanfiction#obx#rafe obx#outer banks#obx fic#outer banks fanfiction#rafe cameron fluff#rafe cameron outer banks#rafe cameron x you#rafe cameron au#obx au#obx au fic#fanfiction#rafe cameron fanfic#rafe fanfic
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Against the Kitchen Floor (Will Wood)
And I swear! I will die trying!/I'm still in the process, but I'm making progress; I promise I honestly wanna prove improvement's possible, I swear!/I'm so fucking sorry! I'm not a good person, I'm barely a person at all, But someday I'll be perfect, and I'll make up for it all!
Less rare than scarce, less diamond then rough/Unlikely to be more than just the coal you failed to crush
I'm catatonic in your arms, crying, "How did I cause so much harm?"/I'm down pounding my head against the kitchen floor/Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours
The vertex of my redemption arc/I’m searching on that virgin heart
"The raw emotion! And I strongly relate to desperately wanting to improve for someone you love. I belt out this song when I feel really hopeless"
"my one OC. also me. also it's just a really good song. one of will's best imo. screaminbg"
"Literally hits almost all of my self-esteem issues. Feeling like people only care about you for your body? Check. Not understanding why anyone would want you? Check. Thinking that all you do is hurt people? Check. I don't cry very often but this song DEFINITELY made me teary"
"one of those if u aren’t paying attention to the lyrics ur like this is nice but once u hear them its an OW holy OW and guilt and I’m sorry feelings"
"Just. Loving someone but not feeling like you’re good enough and trying to improve."
"Not only does this song have lyrics that are deeply relatable to me, but this song also feels very deeply personal to the artist and I feel that anyone who listens to it for the first time has that same feeling of getting punched in the gut. Just the lyrics and the melody and Will Wood’s vocals make this song an absolute masterpiece and I cry every time I hear it."
"One reason I'm attached to this song is because my friend sent it to me and said "I'm kin assigning you this song" and ruined my life (/j) It messed me up because I've always had a hard time in my life figuring myself out and dealing with my emotions, and for what feels like the first time, this song has been able to near perfectly describe how I feel about myself and my impact on other people, and it always just meant so much to me that my friend who sent it to me knows me better than I know myself and shared the song with me and I love them dearly."
Fast Car (Tracy Chapman)
You got a fast car, I want a ticket to anywhere/Maybe we make a deal, maybe together we can get somewhere/Any place is better, starting from zero got nothing to lose/Maybe we'll make something, me myself I got nothing to prove
So I remember when we were driving, driving in your car/Speed so fast, I felt like I was drunk/City lights lay out before us/ And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder/And I-I, had a feeling that I belonged
You got a fast car/Is it fast enough so we can fly away?/We gotta make a decision/Leave tonight or live and die this way
"I know it's an obvious one but YOU try playing it without crying I dare you"
"I cant explain the yearning but this makes me howl"
"OH GOD the longing!! The yearning in the recurring central image of the narrator and her lover on the highway, feeling this sense of limitless possibility and incredible hope!!! And then the verses take us with brutal efficiency through the collapse of their marriage, the way that the cycle of poverty stomps down on their hopes, and how with nothing left, the narrator does what her mom did and leaves!! Leaving the kids to experience the same thing she did growing up!! But it’s all punctuated and bookended by these callbacks to that central iconic memory of hope!!!!! But by the end we realize that the last line “leave tonight or live and die this way” offers only the illusion of a choice: when the narrator first runs away and later when she leaves her husband and kids, she’s still fulfilling her role in this cyclical generational story. God!!"
Against the Kitchen Floor submitted by @pixopolis + others
Fast Car submitted by @smallboyonherbike + @uchihasasukeofficial + @all-our-exploring
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tiktok users ‼️‼️ how do you,,, censor words in your comments properly ??? because i've censored my deadname and it still comes through ??? like maybe if it's in a full comment it doesn't work as well??? idk!!
i need Help. i just had to go through all my posts deleting comments from this one account because blocking them actually leaves their comments up apparently, i just won't be able to see it and SIGH. how to censor.
#sorry i post about jegulus#pls stop trying to leak my deadname#i mean tbh#idec#like i DONT care if my deadname gets out because i don't associate with it at all#like it doesnt make me SAD that they're trying to leak it#it makes me sad that it's happening in my safe bubble even though i've tried to stop it#like.... this is my 🫧... why are YOU in my bubble??#why do people keep trying to pop my bubble#like id leak it myself idc its the principle of the thing#it actually... yk maybe IM the problem but i actually dont know what ive done everytime someone new happens#like i ACTUALLY dont know what ive done to always get stuff like this#i think im p nice#SIGH#whatever#sorry for venting xoxo#needed that x#BUT YEAH#if anyone knows how to censor things properly ‼️‼️#robyn is ranting sorry
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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I think online mutual culture is killing some of you
#it has been for a long time#you don't owe anyone a follow#and people don't owe you that either... and regardless if you're friendly with them ie interacting constantly or not#these are real people you don't know very well and that is FINE!#if someone doesn't follow back that doesn't mean they hate you... and you shouldn't be self conscious about it#it's ok! you don't have to be scared of embarrassing yourself by reblogging something you like#you shouldn't be terrified of getting unfollowed or vagued or anything at all. and most people aren't mean about it#and you can interact with someone positively without following them or vice versa#like at the end of the day none of this is real#again it's different when you are actually friends and even if you aren't it's nice to just follow and interact i know! i agree#but there's this obsession with mutual followings that used to be even more prevalent on here#it's moved to twitter for the most part i feel but it'll still be here forever.#unfortunately for some people being online is just playing a game of Not Getting Unfollowed#and in case anyone gets scared this isn't a vague post this is just something i notice a little more every day#kinblr was obsessed with this especially and now that it's dying out i see this substantially less but its presence is still overwhelming#and i'm not saying DON'T care about people. it's fun to have mutuals you're just chill with but you know#don't get in over your head about it! you shouldn't be obsessed with cultivating the ultimate online persona just to appease everybody#but also go dm that mutual. make friends. talk to people. shyness and paranoia will steal your life away#and if you don't click it's no big deal. there's always someone out there for you. i promise this is true. +you can still follow each other#nobody makes follow forevers anymore. free yourself#and if we're mutuals i care about you! but that goes for everyone else too#once again this isn't me trying to diss anyone i just think some people take the follow button too seriously
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Flames,, blanket boy, my beloved
I gotta draw more art like this of him, he's such an odd creature I love him so much
There's so much to his character that I never talk about aaa I'll make a lore post eventually
#i have thoughts about this guy#he's so hungry for affection and that social and physical contact he see's all the people in his city get#he's takes up so much after them in so many ways#maintenance on this guy... mechanics working on checking all the wires and circuits and touching all the sensitive nerves and neuron flies#its nice that his entire structure is well taken care of but he also wouldnt be able to focus on anything else#he's so used to working in perfect undisturbed conitions..must be so distracting when something changes#he'd have his overseers watching as they plug things in and test stuff and poke around in his guts#and maybe he'll enjoy it a too much and he'll beep when a cable is pushed in.. its not like the sounds are unusual#the structure is alway whirling and buzzing.. whats a few extra clicks and hums when a particularly sensitive component is touched#its not like they would know unless they were really paying attention to the sounds and looking for a reaction#trying to please their beloved supercomputer#he longs for the same love they're capable of but it does quite work out. They can't hug him in a way that feels the same#does affection mean anything to him when its so little. They cant love him in a way that properly means something#i guess flames eventually getting into a relationship fills that affection hole#someone who speaks the same language. someone who he can relate to and understand#someone capable of touching all his systems in just the right way#ajfjsj went off i the tags here uh im so tired im kinda losing consciousness as i was typing oops#rain world#iterator#rain world oc#iterator oc#oc four blue flames#drawins#suggestive
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I’ve said it before that it’s like. weird to have reached this point where I really only want to have sex with a small subset of people I am genuinely attracted to as people.
#unimportant thoughts#I don’t know.#just weird to me i always thought id hoe it out if i could#and I know i could#but it just…kinda turns my stomach to imagine having sex with anyone i dont genuinely care about#theres like 4 people i specficially about in that way#2 of them being partners#and the idea of having sex with anyone else…#like yeah itd be hot and fun but I know id feel like shit after cause i dont care about them enough the way i care about those people#and it sucks cause i want to have more sex! i wanna fuck my friends! i love sex holy shit !#but it just feels gross to me right now if its not someone I love I guess.#and it also feels gross to me to purposefully seek out other people to love like that#i already have four people i csre about like that#i dont need any more yk#I don’t know maybe ill get over it !#thatd be kinda nice cause it feels ridiculous a lot of time
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hold on im still too mad at this one fucking guest to take a nap i need to be a hater for a minute
#so when i say hell on earth kinda day i mean HELL ON EARTH kinda day#we had a large bus travel group from slovakia and then some other guests and it was almost a hundred people for breakfast#the bus group all came at the same time they descended onto the buffet like fucking seagulls i swearrrrr#and i divided tasks like i had two helpers with me in the kitchen so one guys job was just to gather dirty dishes + washing + taking clean#ones back out#and the other guy running around the buffet checking whats needed + restockjng the cold food + telling me all the hot stuff that needs#refilling. so i was in the kitchen making all the hot foods on constant rotation + chopping fruits and making smoothies and shit#and like we managed. WE MANAGED. the buffet was never even half empty at any point like yes there was always something that was empty but#dude who cares if the vanilla yoghurt is empty for 5 mins just pick something else.#and everyone was happy with their breakfast and really nice when asking if we have more of this and that etc and then there was one lady#this ONE FUCKINGGGG lady i swear i almost threw hands#she was complaining about everythinggggggggggg#about there not being any more fried eggs (already in the pan. done in 2 mins. but when helper nr2 told her that she said well why did we#run put in the first place) about the bread station being full of crumbs like girl its BREAD. my giy was running up and down the buffet#wiping it off and cleaning as fast as he could but if you allow people to cut their own bread there will be fucking crumbs. the fuck.#then she also didnt like how the butter looked bc OBV people kept using the butter and no matter how many times you go in and make it look#neat again as soon as the next person takes some it will not look picture perfect anymore#like while i was running back and forth restocking stuff with my arms full she TOOK MY ARM and pointed at things and was like#'this looks shit' so does your fucking face but you dont see me getting physical about it#and then when i came out with a big tray of fresh glasses and cups she pointed to where someone had spilled some water at the dispenser and#went 'there is water on the buffet' (far away from any food + literally its just water) and i said 'yes i know' and she goes 'well it doesnt#look very appealing. this is the worst buffet ive ever seen' and i go 'well surely you have seen how busy we are' and she FUCKING GOES#'i dont care. i paid money for this.' and i go 'well that makes two of us for not caring. we'll get to it when we have the time.' and she#said something else idk what bc i was finished with my task and had SHIT TO DO BC PPL WERE STILL EATING#so i just turned and ran back to the kitchen to keep working#actually i got back to the kitchen and said to guy nr1 'i need to go punch something' and then went out the back and started kicking the#shit out of a pile of paper boxes and THEN i continued working#and then she started TAKING PICTURES of everything she didnt like of the buffet like full offense i hope she gets hit by a bus#like with some people you can just tell they never worked a day in the service industry and no matter what you do theyll keep complaining#anyways :) tag limit. apparently. so its nap time now. honk shoo snork mimimi and so forth <3
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!! DRUMINDOR SPOILERS IN TEXT AND TAGS !!
Listening to Drumnidor as a Hadrian girlie is not easy. My god they're assassinating his entire character and taking away his life purpose right in front of us! They're reducing him to a stupid comic relief character with no depth and no real influence on the people around him (to a greater degree than they ever did before) and they're taking away all his greatest achievements and attributing them to someone else to fit the plot! His main character status has been revoked and he's now apparently merely a supporting character in someone else's story. Please, everyone, a moment of silence for my blorbo 😔🙏 Rest in peace mr. Blackwater. At least they let you pull some impressive-arse sword moves, you looked really cool... but I am so sorry they did not let you be a practising hoe in this one 🥀
#riyria#drumindor spoilers#sorry everyone i am about five and a half hours into the audiobook and i just reached a conversation between hadrian and arcadius#and i want to fucking jump out a window#why is mjs doing hadrian like this???? what's even his fucking point in the story if it's gonna be like this????#literally and what is hadrian? chopped liver etc etc!!!!!#someone who is also reading the book please talk to me or help me see how i am misinterpreting this#i just want hadrian to be taken seriously and be valued and i want him to actually achieve something that is not just helping royce on his#journey to becoming a better person but yeah i guess he can't even have that - the one thing they kind of let him have in the other books#i am literally becoming a worse person as i listen lol#And listening to Drumindor as a Hadrian/Royce shipper is even harder!#lol#I'm sorry everyone#I can't even make any jokes about this point you'll just have to read the book yourself and find out.#i want to adopt hadrian out of that story my god i swear there is someone who cares about you and values you#crossing my fingers that the remaining 14 hours of this book is different 🤪🤡#(at least gwen is nice to hadrian and i love that we get to see them bond/see more of their friendship#it's so jarring though bc she actually treats him as an adult#and not as an idiot)#like am i losing my mind???#was it always like this????#was it different because there were other characters around to interact with???#i want to cry because i am so frustrated lol#as i reread my tags i must say it could also be that i am projecting my struggles onto him LOL#because my life is really bad rn in a suspiciously similar manner ...#either i'm a hadrian fan bc he's just like me fr or oh god i'm literally just misinterpreting everything and its not that deep#but i want him to also get the opportunity to be that deep :( ok enough tags now sorry everyone so sorry everyone#fellow hadrian fans what do we think#enter the hivemind (the replies to this post or my inbox/messages) and let me know#and royce fans what do you think about royce in this book?
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ignore this.
learning to shut up when i dont have anything new to say to the discussions my mutuals are having about the treatment of the female characters in this show and fandom
even though ive just gone ahead and rambled in the tags a bunch of bullshit
#lohst.txt#they're all so right#because this fandom has had problems since the beginning#its always about the boys#the fics and the art and everything#and the fact that a large portion of this fandom is obsessed with the squip. the ACTUAL villain. yet would wish a 16 year old girl death#yeah. chloe did some fucked up things. yeah. dywh is an awful situation that was not handled well#(because this show has awful writing. you guys have been saying that already and youre right)#but come on. y'all act like the other characters did nothing wrong#if the writers would have cared to put actual depth into these characters#i havent listened to the source material in. a while. and i never got around to watching any other boot other than two rivers#i dont know what im saying#it was so easy to join bmc rp servers because no one ever picked the girls#did that mean i was left out of the rps? mostly. yeah#i mean. those servers always had the same rich and jake so we'd team up#but the jeremy and michael would barely give room for anyone else to interact with them#i used to have some discussions with someone about the flaws of this show and how the girls are constantly ignored#(back when i had sort of dipped out of the fandom)#anyway im never one to get involved in discourse directly#i support my mutuals and reblog art and post my silly little fics#mostly because im always too tired to put a lot of thought into any in depth analysis#(even though i have alot of thoughts on chloe and fairytales. which has nothing to do with this whatsoever)#everyone else has said it so much better than what i can currently come up with rn#but the way that the girls get watered down to one personality trait (this includes madeline). and are always used as background characters#the way there was so much christine hate at one point because she got inn the way of boyf riends#i looked chloe up on pinterest the other day out of curiosity#and there was so much hate#everyone likes christine and brooke#theyre the nice girls#the ones that get watered down to innocent and naïve and the mum friend of the group
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#can i just rant for a second pls#about life#I hate to be the kind of person to do this I don’t want ppl to worry or just be nice to me I’m not doing this to get anything in return on#I’m just doing this bc I need to get it out somehow and feel like its at least been said#bc I have no one I can say it to#I just really don’t know how to hold myself together at the moment#I don’t know how to have the strength to push to do all these things I need to do and want to do while still holding together every other#single fucking person in my life and being the person that gets all their stress loaded onto while not knowing how to fix any of it#I wanna be that person I wanna be someone you can go to but when it’s everyone all at once and it’s all these people around me that can’t#seem to communicate and make bad situations worse and I get they don’t have the strength to keep themselves together and face things with at#least a bit of a better mindset but god I can’t do that for everyone#it feels like everyone is falling apart and I’m the person in everyone’s life that’s trying to hold them together#and I really care about these people but I can’t seem to find the space for it all#not when on top of everyone having things that are shifting their life for me then to have my own life shifting too#all I wanted was peace just some rest before it all started happening I just wanted the summer to be easy and it’s not#I wanted this summer to be normal to be that last summer of family and it feels like I can’t have that anymore and I hate it#I hate that I feel alone#and I hate feeling like I can’t fall apart or put myself first bc I’m always gonna need to and want to be there for everyone else#I hate that I can’t cope#I hate that I can’t seem to live#that I can never muster up the energy or strength to do the things I want bc it feels like every force in my life is just pushing me back#down and I hate saying this bc it’s so selfish and mean but I hate being here sometimes#I’m so afraid and nervous to leave but at the same time I think about being out of here and only having to hold myself up for once#and to not be surrounded by this atmosphere that feels impossible to be in#I just need things to stop but they won’t and I literally feel like I’m out in the middle of the ocean with absolutely no idea of what to do#to save myself and I feel like I need to actually do something about it instead of just moving on and forgetting about it bc what if I just#drown what the fuck then#and yet I feel the overwhelming need to say at the end don’t worry it ain’t that deep tho I’m sure I’ll be fine just gonna keep going#lol just gotta get back on being that person with their shit together right fake it till you make it and all that#anyway bye sorry for just dropping this idk when I’ll be back on tumblr thank you to everyone that sent nice messages before they meant alot
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flatmate has a girl over i am suddenly extremely uncomfortable
#sorry i only ever come here to rant its bc im losing all my interests / passions and always need someone to talk to but have no friends 🤪#negative cw#thats a lie partially in that i am emotionally incapable of talking ab it i just. i have no people i have no outlet#but tumblr hasnt been doing it for me lately. im not sure if jts#its the mental illness or if its just being full time employed leaves me so burned out that i can barely function#so hobbies just become non existent#doesnt really matter either way tho bc i can barely pay my bills on full time wages theres nothing i can do to fix things#time off or less hours isnt an option and i sont have the money to get anything diagnosed#i think i need. a lot of support ive been kinda rawdogging life for 26 years but ill be honest gang its starting to really impact everything#i do not. feel like i am a fully functioning human. i am not capable of being a functional adult in society#but its also like. i have to be#my parents dont really believe in mental health stuff or autism or anything and certainly wouldnt believe if i tried to say i was disabled#its just like. no one ever believes me ab that kinda stuff and i dont have the money to get it diagnosed#and without a diagnosis theres not much that can be done but also even with a diagnosis theres nothing#government disability allowance is $78 a week maximum and only covers specifically medical costs for that disability#like i genuinely feel on the verge of a breakdown so bad that i would need a care person#but alas. thats just literally never a possibility for me#i dont have money and i dont come from money and i will be forced to work full time through breakdowns until i die#there is nothing that can be done to help me or fix me#and that just. it sucks#anyway#hope this girl is nice bc my cat refuses to be in my room and its giving me anxiety bc what if hes scared of her and runs away#2 much going on in my head but i can not stop it so here we are#sorry y'all r my rant place#i have been thinking ab trying to step away from the internet a bit but its also.#not really a thing i can do bc everything costs money these days#social clubs r barely existent and the ones there are cost a shittone#I'd just. I'd like to be in a better place. I just don't know how to get there
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I keep crying really easily
#just now started crying reading a post on reddit from someone who was talking about the possibility#of reincarnation and i thought about how awful it would be if i killed myself only to get reincarnated and never be able to know my gf#honestly being apart from her is the only reason i fear there being no after life at all#before i met her i thought nothing sounded nice#now i cant stand the thought of not being with her. i guess i didnt care if it was nothing because i always had nothing#but now shes everything#i feel so bad for still being suicidal when i know i have her#i could never leave her here alone... i know that#and yet i still feel like this#im so lucky... so why cant i be grateful#i think i am grateful and its just not enough. everywhere i look it seems no one has enough#it hurts so much. i hate the world for being like this#i hate the people in this world that make it so#i dont know if it would be better to live out of spite and try to help or to give up and leave this world hoping it works out anyways#i dont know how much i can ever do here. especially the way i am now#im too sick to help anybody. im so tired of being like this
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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