#its also possible its autism. but i don't know enough to know how to cope with that either.

[seraphim-soulmate]

so how do I reconcile with just having big baby loser brain that decided I'd be mentally ill and perpetually stuck suffering instead of having just dealt with my shit in a more normal way? or is there some neuroscience that can explains that I don't have a cringefail brain but it's actually something else??

i mean. it's shame. shame I feel for struggling with things i consider i shouldn't struggle with, which i guess is kinda stupid bcs when i take a step back i realize it's understandable that im struggling with certain things ive lived through. being stuck in them doesn't entirely make sense, but I'm willing to accept that my past shaped me. not to mention that I'm also somehow kind of constantly going through really hard situations on top of also dealing with my past? but it also all (mental illness and emotional sensitivity, I mean) started with something, and my early childhood was my parents getting divorced.

but I consider that banal, plenty of parents get divorced and it doesn't mean their kid suffers from treatment-resistant depression and ptsd. I guess divorce is so normalized now that i don't consider it a valid thing to be traumatized over, at least not to the extent to which ive experienced symptoms. but I was separated from one parent, always missing one or the other, without any explanation that could make sense to a child's brain about why any of this happened and why i have to suffer because of it. can I get rid of the shame by validating the struggles I went through? would that make me feel better about having been disabled by my life experiences?

[cy-cyborg]

I assume this is an autism thing, but why is it so hard for people to understand pain is not the biggest problem for me when medical issues come up, sensation and sensory overwhelm is.

Possibly tmi but im at the point where i dont really care anymore lol, right now I'm dealing with a really bad, chronic uti that just will not go away, no matter what anyone does, and this thing has been making my life a living hell for the last month or so. It's not painful, or well, it is, but that's not the most unpleasant effect I need help with. It's the sensations it brings. The tactile sensation of being incontinent, of feeling like I'm busting 24/7 - so much so it's stopping me from being able to sleep most nights - the fact that both these things are so ever-present that I can't concentrate on anything else. I can't do the things I enjoy like writing and drawing because my brain can not filter it out enough to focus, and it's my body, so I can't escape it like I could with an unpleasant sound or smell.

But everyone I've spoken to about it is under the impression that the pain is what needs managing, the pain is whats causing me to be so upset and not be able to concentrate or sleep, even when i say, point-blank, thats not the case. My doctor, the emergency staff who first diagnosed it (i was instructed to go there due to concerns about my kidneys), my mum and dad, my sister, even my partner, initially, though he understands now. But I've told every single one of these people that it's not pain, it's the sensory overload thats causing the problems, and they just... don't get it. Ive tried being as blunt as I can (and considering i have no energy to mask, ive been very blunt), and it just, doesn't seem to compute with anyone. My doctor is trying to help, but his only solution is pain meds until the antibiotics runs their course, which don't help because it's not pain (and yes, i tried it anyway). The emergency doctors did the same. My mum and dad keep suggesting pain management skills they were taught when I was a kid, mum is also suggesting things that make things like the burning part of UTIs less painful, my sister doesn't really have any advice but she keeps asking me about my pain too when she checks in. I appreciate the attempts and all

But it's not pain.

The only one who did get it right away was my psychologist, but she's not the kind of doctor that can really help with this, outside of giving me suggestions for coping mechanisms and how to redirect stimming/meltdowns to be less destructive or harmful. Which is great and I did need that, but I'd really like to not be having the meltdowns in the first place.

This isn't the first time this has been an issue either, but it has been the worst/longest time. I just don't know how to get it across to people that the pain is not my main problem. I know how to manage pain and make it less intense/more bearable (my whole lower body is covered in skin grafts and I've had several amputations, I have a lot of experience with it), but just because it's not pain doesn't mean its not debilitating and seriously impacting my quality of life. And because it just won't go away (i highly suspect it has become antibiotic resistant), I have no idea when this will all end, which makes it all the more worse.

[washeduprockstr]

Ur a system rnt u? Ur friends with an antiendo. R u an anti? I need 2 know so I can block u. Lol.

I'm not a professional, nor am I out to judge anyone for their experiences, especially if they differ from mine. I tried to learn more and open my mind about endogenic plurality before touching this topic.

Resources:

My Opinion & Thoughts:

TL;DR: I am an anti and endos make me uncomfortable, but I have an open mind. Plurality is insanely complex and definitely not well researched enough to say what someone is or isn't experiencing. If that is your reality, sure. If you aren't hurting anyone and are spreading the proper information about dissociative disorders, whatever man. I would prefer if endos would not personally interact with me, though. Enjoy my content, idc. Just don't go looking to talk and befriend me. That is just a boundary.

Commonly associated with plurality is trauma. Chronic childhood trauma. However, it is not in the DSM that you absolutely must have trauma to be diagnosed with DID/OSDD. It lists Distinct Personalities, Amnesia, Distress, Not Cultural or Religious, and Not Substance Related as the requirements for DID. OSDD is similar, but may miss certain requirements for DID.

In my opinion, if you go through plurality while not suffering at all from any of the symptoms or have any trauma at all, I believe you might be experiencing something different. I won't tell you that you're not a system or that you're invalid, but I do think you should seek other answers. And genuinely look into every avenue with an open mind.

If you find you have some of the symptoms and not others and you don't have trauma (that you can remember), OSDD might be more of what you are. OSDD is commonly characterized by large memory gaps in the past and less in the present. It could be possible that you have trauma or have experienced extreme stress and just don't realize it. I urge you to seek therapy and try to uncover the root of what's causing your plurality.

I believe systemality is fluid. The way you experience and express your plurality will most likely be different than mine. I don't think it's out of the question to say someone is a system without trauma. For example, you could have been experiencing extreme chronic stress in childhood. It wasn't enough to become traumatic, but it was enough that your brain needed to create different parts to cope with the stress. But that would be so extremely rare and even then I question my stance on it.

I'm seeing a lot of endo systems out there that are systems out of will. I do not think that is healthy. You are purposefully splitting yourself. I can not express to you how harmful that can be for your brain. You are purposefully tearing your consciousnessness apart and fragmenting yourself to have a disorder you did not before.

I'm also seeing a lot of endo systems out there that think being a system is simply fun and are completely non-disordered. If you think you are going through CDD (Complex Dissociative Disorder) and you do not have a daily impairment because of it, you are going through something else. If you are experiencing alters with nothing else to back it up, look into something else. Because that is just not how the disorder works, unfortunately. It might be a delusional disorder, psychosis, maladaptive daydreaming, maybe even some form of brainwashing.

I also think that if you're running around telling everyone and their momma you can be a system without any trauma and without some form of disorder or any symptoms, that is hurtful for the DID/OSDD community. Not only are you minimizing the harm that we had to face to have what we have, but you are misinforming people widely. This will lead to more people, especially young mentally ill kids thinking they have a disorder they do NOT. Which breeds more misinformation, so on and so forth. You'll get others to think it's just some fun little trend where they have their favorite characters in their head, and all they have to do to support their claims is say they're endo.

Pretending to be someone or something you are not will hurt you. I'm sure a lot of the community has autism, ADHD, depression, and/or anxiety, etc. I know you must know what it feels like to be something you are not and do things you don't want to. I won't outright fakeclaim anyone because I have not lived their experience, but a lot of endos I have seen around are blatantly pulling the experiences of DID/OSDD all while only taking the 'benefits' and the 'fun' parts. Stop. Please. Seek therapy. Seek help. You are hurting yourself and others.

If you are one of the good ones out there (endos), make sure you're also spreading the proper information about Dissociative Disorders as WELL as your lived experiences. Make sure you let others know what you are going through is very rare and relatively undocumented. That's all I ask. Advocate for you, but also advocate for your traumagenic brethen.

And God, can we stop fighting each other? If a traumagenic system is uncomfortable with you and speaks out with their own views, opinions, etc. Block and move on. Quit sending death threats and harassing people that don't see eye-to-eye with you. Same goes for the other side. Everyone is allowed to have their thoughts on this very WIDE and COMPLEX subject. If you think someone is faking and specifically if you lack proof, whatever man. If they aren't actively hurting anybody and not spreading wild misinformation, block. And move on.

I can't express to you all how many posts I went through where everyone was just attacking each other. No real talking or explaining, just harassment. Cut it out.

[aspd-culture]

aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

[st4rrmii]

Lucien's Lore/Timeline Up Until CT

TW//Substance abuse, Parental/Sibling deaths, Transphobia, Ableism, abuse, self destructive thoughts/attempts and Bullying-Please only read ahead if mentally okay to!

Disclaimer!!-Lucien's story does get dark at certain points, as I've stated before, I use OCs to vent about certain things, as well as base parts of them off my own life experiences. No part of his story is meant to be for shock value or "edginess", it all has a purpose. On top of all that, the show is for children, so of course it wouldn't be too dark with its themes, however I did want to delve a little bit more into the after effects of the trauma that would be being one of the campers. If this makes you uncomfortable, please do not read, I don't mind!

Now to it, everything under the cut!

Pre-Camp Cretaceous-

Lucien was born into a family of three, his mother(unnamed), father(Brian), and older brother(Landon, 9 years older than Lucien). The four lived a very normal life, as far as Lucien was aware, Lucien's little sister(Mia) being born when he was 5. Both his father and Mother worked for Jurassic World as scientists. Shortly after Mia's birth, their mother went missing, there was a search for her but she was never found. Unfortunately this cause Landon to fall into a depression that ended up with him hanging out with the wrong type of people, people who taught him that the best way to cope was with drugs.

Everything after that seemed to start on a slow but steady downhill, Lucien's father was a loving man, but he needed to continue to work to keep his family afloat, Landon did try his hardest to keep a stable job despite everything, but as time went on his addiction made it harder to do that, this all left a very young Lucien to do most of the parenting for Mia. This was also around the time Lucien started to realize he was "different", he hated being called a girl, he knew it was 'technically' what he was, he knew his body was that of a girl's, but it all just felt wrong. Despite not knowing what this meant, he was lucky enough to have a supportive family, Landon and Brian referring to him with more GN/Masc terms and pronouns to see how that felt, which as expected, felt right. Brian knew Lucien was trans, he always had a feeling, but at that point in the game, with how young he was, he never really told him what that was, not wanting Lucien to feel like it was something weird that would make him too "different", instead just going along with the terms that made him comfortable until he reached a certain age. The unfortunate part of this however, was that with Lucien entering school it was somewhat- difficult- to explain to children of the early 2000s, on top of his disabilities(both physical and more mental, ie. Autism/selective mutism), with this, kids were quick to judge, and unfortunately he became an outcast in his schools due to bullying.

The three siblings had to move in with their grandparents after their mother disappeared, which was okay at first, as despite their grandmother being strict with them, as well as somewhat.. bigoted- towards Lucien, they did have a loving grandfather. Unfortunately things went south when he passed, his passing causing their grandmother to spiral, her transphobia towards Lucien becoming so much worse. I won't go into detail, but to say the least, Lucien is absolutely terrified of that woman, even as an adult. Sometime around here was when Lucien's grandmother did something absolutely vile, which I once again will not go into detail on, but it ended up with Landon and his friends beating a man that had hurt Lucien, unfortunately for Lucien, this man was one of his bullies' fathers, which caused the bullying to become worse.

Things continued like this until Lucien was 12, which is when Landon unfortunately passed away, this tore Lucien apart, as Landon was his best friend, and on top of that, their father became sick not long after (quite possibly triggered by stress) and was forced to come home on sick leave, which at least got Lucien and Mia out of their grandmother's house and home with their father. Lucien had to become a major caretaker of both his father and Mia while very young and in mourning, causing him to fall into a deep depression, and on top of all that his bullies took Landon's death to fuel their bullying, telling Lucien it was his fault, because of this, Lucien ended up dropping out of public school, getting homeschooled which was luckily funded by JW.

It was all of this that made Brian start to look into the Camp that would be launched in a few years, he knew they'd be looking for campers to give everything a test run, so he used a few of his connections to have Lucien selected as one of said campers. Lucien had always loved dinosaurs, and always wanted to go to JW, but due to his father's work schedule he simply was not able to, so his father thought now that he was home he would finally let Lucien go, even if he couldn't be there with him.

Lucien was unaware of this until mere weeks before he would be leaving for Camp Cretaceous, and while part of him was excited to finally go, it was very quickly drowned out by the worry that his dad and Mia wouldn't be able to take care of themselves while he was gone, but Brian did assure him it would only be for around a week and they would be okay. Unfortunately, that did not happen.

Camp Cretaceous and the Downfall of Jurassic World-

The first person Lucien met at CC was Ben, both of them docking at the same place as they lived close to each other, they ended up talking a bit before the boat arrived, Lucien learning the Ben knew asl which was very helpful considering it was Lucien's main form of communication due to his selective mutism (The nerves and everything of the trip were making it act up, and he would end up not talking verbally until around the 2 month point of being stuck on Nublar)

Lucien ended up clinging to Ben the entire time they were at camp, the same way Ben clung to Kenji. In all honesty, Ben didn't mind it, it was nice having someone that would hold back with him even when the group went forwards, he also could not lie, having someone cling to him for protection definitely made him feel a little cool (especially when that person was so pretty) they ended up growing pretty close, Ben even letting Lucien use his inhaler at some point after his went missing in the chaos (yes, ben did have to coat it in sanitizer after but its the thought that counts). One core moment of being on the island pre-monorail was when, at one point, Ben fell, cutting up his hands pretty bad and getting them dirty. This, plus all the stress, triggered a panic attack on Ben's part, Ben panicking that his hands would get infected due to the dirt and kill him. Lucien, both having struggled with panic attacks, as well as knowing how to dress a wound (his dad worked on the medical team on JW, and shared a lot of his knowledge with Lucien), quickly did what he could, using the bandage wraps and alcohol wipes in Ben's 'dork pouch' to clean him up and dress the wounds, doing his best to help calm him down as well as constantly signing to him "You're okay, I've got you, you're gonna be okay." (Something Landon used to tell him when he would have panic attacks). This acted as one of the first moments Ben realized that he may feel more for Lucien than he had originally thought.

The monorail incident definitely fucked Lucien up hard, having tried to help Darius save Ben but it just- didn't work. Lucien shut down after this, Brooklynn physically having to pull Lucien off with her when they all jumped off the monorail. Lucien ofc wanted to go looking for Ben, which everyone (but Kenji and Sammy) objected to; in hindsight, he understands that it wouldve been stupid to spend time looking for someone who was probably long since dead when they only had a certain amount of time to get to the boat, but at the time this cause Lucien to lose any sense of trust for the group (He wasnt AS mad at Kenji and Sammy, but there was certainly a bit of distain for them not fighting as hard) and he became even more shutaway from them than he had been before.

The month where Ben was missing was horrible for Lucien, and he could not lie, that plus being stuck on the island brought back the suicidal thoughts that he thought he left on the mainland, he never acted on them, but there were a few times while running from dinosaurs he considered just- stopping dead in his tracks, acting as a distraction so the others could get away, but he didn't, always being pulled forward by Sammy or Kenji, he owed his life to him honestky, as much as he hated how egotistical Kenji was or how- weirdly optimistic Sammy was.

Lucien was ecstatic when Ben came back, of course, it was hard to tell through all the sobs, but he is sososo relieved to have Ben back, even if he has- changed. This is the first time Ben hears Lucien's voice, the first time any of the campers hear his voice, and its the first time Lucien says anything verbal, telling Ben "I thought I-..we- lost you-" and Ben would be lying if he said that one second slip up didn't make his heart run laps (HOW did it take them so long to realize they loved each other CHRIST). It took a lil bit to get used to Jungle Man Ben, but it wasn't too hard since Lucien was just relieved to have Ben back, ntm having Ben actually protrcting him at times, even putting him on Bumpy's back whenever they had to walk/run somewhere, not wanting him to trigger a pain flare up, definitely had Lucien questioning if he only liked girls (spoiler, he doesn't, thanks Ben).

He is able to grow more confident once Ben is back, kinda looking up to him and his growth for 'motivation', he's able to start talking with the campers, as well as helping out a bit more. His first major moment where he's able to step up and take some form of control over a situation is when Sammy gets hit by the Scorpios' spines, Lucien has knowledge in venoms and how they act, not only has he been bit by plenty of venomlus things (he does not think before he grabs) but he's also seen his father's studies (some of which did include the secret hybrid). He was able to take watch of Sammy, staying back with Brooklynn and Kenji to keep track of her symptoms, as well as help slow down certain ones. This was definitely the first time him and Yaz ever really spoke to each other (put two closed off ppl in a room, theyre probably gonna sit there in silence until you give up and let them out) Yaz thanking him for helping save Sammy, even hugging him in her emotional state (which very much caught him off guard).

Everything from there was somewhat normal,(Lucien even finding out Ben was also transmasc like him in this time), just them trying to get off the damn island, until Ben dropped the bomb that he didn't want to leave, this all sent Lucien back to the monorail, he knew what it was like to lose Ben, and that was back before they were as close as they were now, he just couldn't do it again. It got to the point where he threatened to stay on the island if Ben was, which Ben absolutely could not let happen, having Kenji physically drag Lucien onto the boat when they left. Ben would be lying if he said Lucien didn't have a big part in why he came back to the boat, yes, all the campers did, and more than anything, realizing he already found himself and didnt need to stay did, but the idea of never seeing Lucien again and letting him deal with losing him again definitely played a huge part in it.

MantahCore and Island 2, electric Boogaloo-(this one may be the shortest because, quite frankly, I forgot half of what happens in s4/5)

The second island is certainly a time for Lucien, the fact that he thought they were finally going home just to end up on another goddamn island sending his mental state crashing all over again, absolutely horrified he was never going to see his family again. The night where theyre all around the campfire is where he's able to break down. Of course at first he doesn't want to, he doesn't want everyone to know how scared he is, but when he doesn't get up to yell with everyone else they all turn their attention to him, trying to get him to join them, and he does- in a sense. At first it starts as just the most bloodcurdling scream, but quickly turns to him venting out all the emotions he's held pent up for the past god knows how many months, yelling about how sick he is of being stuck on random islands and being terrified that by the time he does get home his father is going to be long gone and his sister isnt going to be lost somewhere in the foster system, or worse, with his grandmother. He screams about how guilty he feels leaving his little sister alone, fearing that she's going to lose the only two people she has left. He screams about how he's sick of fearing for his life and not being able to trust anyone, he screams about how he's so sick of not being able to sleep because the RARE times he feels safe enough to actually fall asleep he's riddled with nightmares, whether they be about his own death or the deaths of those he loves. He fully breaks down once its all out, just crumbling completely. Darius is the first to hug him, the part about his dad hitting hard, and it eventually turns into one group hug, which they quite honestly all needed.

After they find Mae, and realize the island is not as it seems, Lucien is able to calm down a tiny bit, he doesn't trust Mae fully, but he can also smell the autism on her which helps a little bit. This is also around when he gets the scar on his face, courtesy of a brad. Mae is able give him the stitches he needs, as well as cleaning and dressing the wound, Ben and Sammy not leaving his side for a second, which is exactly how Ben gets 4 tiny scars on his palm from Lucien digging his nails into his hand while he gets the stitches witjout any form of anesthetic or pain meds.

When Lil Eatie gets injured, Lucien immediately goes into caretaker mode, not caring about his safety and doing whatever he can to make sure she's okay. Of course Mae tries to stop him at first, but once she notices that Lil Eatie has started to trust Lucien, still acting like a literal trex, but also not trying to kill him when he brings her untampered food, she calms down.

Another dino Lucien bonds with on the island is Firecracker, immediately clicking with her and loving her in a similar way to Ben with Bumpy. Everything was fine until he saw Nash controlling her, seeing how scared and in pain she was seemed to flip a switch in him, all his bottled up emotions turning into anger. This is what started him on the path he's on now, where he's willing to do anything to protect dinosaurs.

Anything.

From that point on he just does whatever he can to bring Nash and Daniel down, refusing to let them proceed with controlling dinos and their dino fights for their own enjoyment, or anyone's for that matter. Lowk forgot what happens atp but he helps take them down with the others, joins Ben to get Kenji and Bumpy back, helps with the plan to get Daniel off the island, yeehaw.

And then they're rescued.

Returning to the mainland and aftermath

Lucien is absolutely terrified the whole ride back to mainland.

Everyone else is excited, happy to go back to their families (except Kenji), and Lucien is alone, not even sure if his father is alive, if his sister is okay, if he has a family to go home to. Ben does try and cheer him up, reassure him that his dad is okay and everything will work out, but ofc, Lucien is too afraid to really listen.

When they return to the mainland, his father isn't there. Everyone's parents are there to reunite with them, and Lucien is alone, hell, even Kenji gets invited into the Bowman family hug. This does cause panic on Lucien's end, but Ben quickly takes notice, introducing Lucien to his mom and asking if Lucien can try calling his dad with her phone. She ofc says yes, recognizing Lucien as one of her coworker's kids, and Lucien is able to call his father, who is alive, but in the hospital as his health has deteriorated due to Lucien being assumed dead.

Ms.Pincus ends up giving Lucien a ride to the hospital, as it's very close to Ben's home anyways, Lucien sees his dad and sister again, breaks down, introduces Ben to his family, all is well.

Lucien and Ben continue to see each other nearly daily, Ben visiting him and his family in the hospital whenever he can, as thats literally where Lucien and his sister live now.

Everything is okay for just under a year, then Lucien's father passes.

Lucien is a mess after his father's death, his mental health completely deteriorating now that his father is gone. He blames himself for his death, wondering if he never went to that camp, never caused him so much stress, that he'd still be here, but its too late, he went and his father is gone.

Luckily enough for Lucien and Mia, Ms.Pincus did make arrangements with Lucien's father to take Lu and his sister, as his father did NOT want them ended up with their grandmother or in the foster care system. Thankfully for them Ms.Pincus had always been interested in adopting, as Ben's birth took a toll on her health, but she was afraid that whoever she adopted could hurt Ben, so taking in two kids who she knew loved her boy and would never hurt him was easy.

(TW FROM THIS POINT ON FOR DRUG ADDICTION)

Lucien resorts to using after his father is gone, it's the only thing that can keep him from feeling so many emotions, from thinking about the what ifs and the fact that his father is dead. It keeps him numb. This is what leads him to his current place of work, the sanctuary kept him in check, not allowing drugs and keeping him busy, keeping him distracted. Was it the most safe? No, but neither was using.

It doesn't help that he and Ben get into an argument soon after he starts using, Ben getting mad at him for clinging onto him so hard and ending the argument with "Sometimes I wish you never moved in!"

This is when he disappears for 18 months, yes he lets everyone know he's leaving, but him going no contact definitely scares people, especially Ben. This is what leads to Ben going to the island with Mae, as he cannot handle going home to a house without Lucien.

Post leave of Absence, Pre CT, The birth of Luciben

Lucien comes back after 18 months, finally feeling okay enough to see those he loves again, ntm he misses them like crazy. Ben is relieved to see him but god is he pissed, pissed that Lucien just up and left him and Mia behind, pissed that he did nothing to let them know if he was okay, or even ALIVE. Ben doesn't know WHY he left though, and that does cause arguments, Ben nearly breaking down when Lucien tells him why he left. The fact that his words were the final straw makes him feel so guilty, the fact that he made Lucien feel that way when he was already going through so much absolutely tears him apart.

The n7 aren't as close anymore once Lucien comes back, and it takes a lot of getting used to, Lucien even trying to get them together only to be shot down nearly everytime, so he just- gives up. Ben notices that Lucien stops asking tk hang out, and while he was one of the ones guilty for shooting down plans, it does worry him that Lucien just stopped asking. Ben tries asking to hang out only to be shot down himself, leading to an argument where Lucien breaks down and admits he feels like he doesn't belong here anymore, and that he almost regrets coming back because it feels like no one wants him around anyways. This breaks Ben's heart as he was part of the people shooting him down. From this point on Ben makes it his mission to make plans whenever he can, trying desperately hard to get everyone back together at least once for Lucien's sake.

Luckily Brooklynn does come around, she travels the most and she's felt that loneliness before, so she does what she can to visit Ben and Lucien whenever she can, which is when Lucien starts bleaching his hair with her help, making it somewhat of a tradition that whenever she comes around they redo his roots.

Things start to get better, Ben and Lucien hanging out like they used to, this however brings up buried feelings for each other, and a few months after Lucien comes back, right before Ben's about to go to uni, Ben confesses that he loves Lucien, and ofc Lucien returns those feelings and bam, gay rights.

Everything is good for a while, Lucien and Ben are happy together (minus the fact that Ben is still in the closet so no one knows about them), and eventually Brooklynn finds out about them (its kinda hard to make an excuse for why you were caught locking lips with your "homie") and she's super supportive, leading to their lil "BBL" friend group.

This just makes Brooklynn's death so much worse.

Lucien relapses after Brooklynn is pronounced dead, even showing up at her funeral high (he couldn't do it otherwise), this causes issues of course, it getting to the point where Ben doesn't feel okay leaving Lucien alone, leaving uni in order to be with him constantly, afraid he's going to do something stupid. Not long after he gets the messages on dark jurassic, leading to him and Lucien lacking up and heading out to get the others, leading to the events of Chaos Theory.

Really quick CT rundown go read Secret for more details

Tl;dr, Ben fucks up by saying he has a gf instead of coming out, the events of Secret happen, Lucien goes with Kenji and Darius, they find out that Lucien also left messages for Brooklynn when he relapsed, he breaks down, Kenji and Darius help him calm down, then the rest of Secret happens abd they get on the boat, yeehaw.

This ended up being lowkey poorly written near the end cause I just wanted to get it out, but I will most likely be releasing more detailed fics to kinda give insight on the parts where it feels like there are missing details. I just need to finally lost this cause its been in my drafts for a month LMAO

[milfygerard]

Not to tell you how to run your own blog but I loved the discussions full of nuance and would love to see them more often. But also on the other hand I know people who did that often enough that they ended up a target of hate too. Apologies for sending the super chaotic album analysis ask, I was running on fumes too, it was 5am and I hadn't gone to bed yet. The winter months come and I always have trouble waking up before the sun sets, and falling asleep before the sunrise.

Anyway I am not diagnosed with anything, never really could be with where I am, even more so as a woman (we don't even have ADHD meds, those with a diagnosis travel abroad just to buy them) but I have an inkling I might be ND because of many factors but mainly due to feeling like I'm an alien my entire life which no one seems to understand. I've thought about going abroad to get a diagnosis and then I read about what they were doing to ND people during covid and I went fuck that I'll stay wondering and alive. As for Taylor I think the biggest pointer for me was seeing her directing Me! and saying she needs to do less "dead face" or whatever she called it when looking at the footage. I went, oh I know that, it's the thing I also tell myself to do when surrounded by people. Later on I learned why that might be a thing I do lmaooo

the absolute dread i felt getting this anon notif like oh no...it begins

I appreciate the very valid concerns, ive seen how swifties can react to and treat blogs that post too much about subjects they don't like or see as valid. I also have mutuals ive seen get on the wrong end of swiftie harassment and it definitely seems overwhelming at the very least. I have a bit of luck/disguise on my end because ive kind of deduced that swifties seem to not care too much about me if they arent mutuals bc i am not technically a swiftie blog. She's definitely the special interest ive been talking about the most, but I don't post about her solely, I don't have her as my icon or in my url (girard <3) or mentioned anywhere that i'm a swift enjoyer except for me tagging her posts for mutuals who don't wanna see it. My actual posts that I write about her rarely get a Ton of notes and i make them pretty sparsely while also talking about and reblogging a ton of other random shit. I think this helps lessen the likeliness that I'll get someone who like...obsessively reads my blog to point out how stupid dumb and stupid my takes are and get attached to me in like a lolcow sense of trying to provoke me into arguing or entertaining them. If i do start getting some of that, I'll probably just turn off anon and asks for awhile and eventually theyll forget I exist or maybe even block me, imagine that <3

For the second part, I do encourage you to look into whatever neurodivergencies you think you may have even if a literal doctors diagnosis isnt a possibility! Part of the reason im pretty comfortable with tossing around words like autism is because I don't see professional diagnosis as a be all end all, nor do I think its bad to give yourself a "wrong" diagnosis while trying to understand yourself. Even if you don't end up identifying with autistm, I think being around autistic circles and learning about coping mechanisms and thought processes for other neurodivergencies can be so helpful for understanding yourself and your brain, and can bring really helpful. Like, I don't personally have DID or severe psychosis but talking to and reading write ups from mutuals has let me learn about them as like mundane mental health issues/NDs that anyone could have as well as issues i have had in the past with mild hallucinations or conceptions of personality. Most mental illnesses and NDs are treated very strangely and cruelly in general society and are considered aberrant or inherently bad or painful, but these are normal and often neutral (or positive! Which is often ignored or not considered) aspects of peoples lives.

If you are curious about self diagnosis, the most reliable and popular test online is the RAADS-R questionnaire which theres a great version of on embrace autism which i also definitely recommend scrolling through. They also have interesting articles, alternate tests and articles and tests for other neurodivergencies like OCD, which really opened my eyes to the likeliness that I've been suffering with undiagnosed OCD for pretty much my entire life. Theres also an autism forum if you want a broader spread of information and advice that might not be immediately accessible to you. I didnt touch on taylor much in this response (the dead face thing is extremely real, that and her talking about deciding to make the blood in anti hero purple glitter glue because she doesnt feel like a real normal human being in that directors on directors interview) but I do hope the other stuff is helpful and not too rambly <3 autism forever

[arfidmeals]

Do you have any tips or advice on how to improve things as someone with arfid? I pretty much only eat 4 different foods. (apple, english muffins, pasta, strawberry yoghurt)

I don't have a professional diagnosis but was told by several professionals that they think I have it. (I do have a professional diagnosis of autism and anorexia and other mental illnesses). so I also have some typical anorexia fear foods like chocolate, pizza, icecream, candy. (I know pasta and bread are typically most peoples fear foods too, but it's all I can eat)

I'm afraid of getting professional help as I have before many times, and several dieticians try to force feed mee foods that I genuinely don't like and that make me gag. They also threaten impatient care, which I know would make me much worse. They have very strict rules on what foods you need to eat or else they'll tube feed you, and I'll be hours away from home and away from my carer, I have severe separation anxiety so this would be so much worse for me.

Do you have any advice or tips on how I can do this at home? I don't think I'll ever be "recovered," but I want it to get better than this. Anything that you've found helpful maybe. Thank you :)

hi! im also in a similar-ish scenario (no formal diagnosis, though im diagnosed with autism and have talked abt ARFID w/ therapists and my psychiatrist. not in a position to currently receive professional help)

before i get into what’s helped me, i feel like i should mention that i believe connecting with an online dietician is an option (?). i��ve never personally done this, but you could probably get the advice + coping strategies aspect without worrying about seeing someone in person, or being threatened physically with food.

now, as someone who’s largely had to deal w/ arfid without direct professional help, i’d say there are a few stages of severity i cycle through w/ it that inform what actions i feel i can or need to take.

at its worst, the best thing you can do for arfid is stock up on supplements and safe foods, conserve your energy, and make life as easy for yourself as possible in the meantime. if i’m only able to eat one or two singular foods (and not meals), i’ll make sure to do that (no matter how ‘unhealthy’ they may be) enough times in the day as to not feel like i’m starving. on these days, its important to rest as much as you can and find products that can get you the vitamins and minerals your body needs. drinks are easier for me than pills for me a lot of the time, so i go through a lot of nutritional drinks/meal replacement shakes. stuff like Boost or Ensure (though i personally go for Boost bc i like that it just tastes like chocolate milk. there are other flavors though).

on more normal days, i think my pool of safe food options is a bit more than yours seems to be, but all in all your options seem like they’d be easier than most to try expanding upon. english muffins, for example—you typically spread stuff on those right? so even if you’ve been eating them plain, trying different versions of it might open you up to new options. maybe jelly/jam? or peanut butter?

one of my safe foods is also pasta. i very much cannot eat red sauce, so i thought for a while that i’d have to eat it plain. but turns out, i actually really like alfredo! if that doesn’t appeal to you, there are a bunch of different ways of preparing pasta in more subtle ways (like a nice garlic sauce, or adding parmesan cheese) to add a little more to your dish. there’s also something to just trying different pasta shapes! even if it doesn’t make a nutritional difference, it gets you more used to trying new things.

hard agree on the strawberry yogurt as well—the way that I upped my yogurt experience was adding granola and eating fruit on the side (or mixed in, but i personally was not fond of the texture). granola also comes in a lot of different flavors and can make a great snack on its own, so you can play around with that. i’ve also found that trying new yogurt flavors from the same brands i’m used to tends to be easier. you can just buy one little thing of yogurt and if you don’t like it it’s no big deal you never have to eat it again and can go directly back to your usual yogurt ! there’s also strawberry yogurt shakes that i like that have some extra protein in them and don’t taste any different than normal yogurt (i think the brand’s stonyfield? though you can probably find others).

all in all, a lot of arfid recovery is getting slowly used to trying new things. it doesn’t even have to be directly food related. psychologically, putting yourself in new situations (no matter how small the differences may be) will help you later down the line when it comes to trying the same with food. the best thing you can do is keep yourself calm in the process. do new things with friends or family, try a bite off another person’s plate, watch something fun or comforting while eating, distract yourself entirely, etc.

i’ve also found that working on my mental health in general helps with my ability to expand my foods. hanging out with people more often, for example, makes it easier to steal a bite of popcorn or try a new fruit at the dining hall. having someone there to support you feels good—a friend of mine started a bit where whenever i try a new food she shows me a cute picture of a kitten, stuff like that is actually pretty good incentive (“try this new food with me! no pressure if you don’t like it!” helps me bc it’s like im doing it for someone other than myself). you can do the ‘kitten pics’ thing for yourself too—basic reward stuff like getting a little prize every time you meet a goal. there are a ton of executive functioning strategies in general that i’ve also found work okay for arfid!

[drinkjanola]

yeah so basically i'm gonna lose it soon probably. i think i'm finally ready to give up on my current "successes", like having a job and semi-functioning. i'm ready to get in contact with the crisis line, possibly end up in a mental health facility, and get better. i was diagnosed as autistic at 10. i've received little to no support over the years. the most support i have is through funding, which has given me an iphone, an ipad, an apple watch, and a pair of galaxy buds when i still had a samsung. it'll allow me to claim back certain travel expenses, and go to things like concerts to improve my quality of life. but i never received support in my education. support in learning how to unmask. i even went to a private special education school because it was the only place i could cope with. guess what? i masked the whole time. i didn't learn shit because my teacher didn't want to acknowledge that i finally understood my sensory needs a little more. she thought i was lazy but i couldn't do my school work in the classroom i was shoved into. that school, by the way, is shutting down soon because they were doing so rough financially. they may have failed me but they didn't fail a lot of their higher needs students.

so, as us autistics know, when left undiagnosed and untreated/neglected for too long, no accommodations in sight, what happens? that's right! other shit develops! i have symptoms that align with bpd now. it could just be the autistic burnout doing abnormal shit, but it's definitely in-line with how bpd can appear, and i even have childhood trauma to accompany that. there's other folks out there who end up with other cluster-b disorders, other various mental illnesses, but the fact that i was diagnosed at an early enough age to actually prevent this... and i'm ending up like everyone else that had a late diagnosis? it's so depressing. it makes me so upset. they caught it early. and i knew i had autism from the age of ten. but since i was "smart" and "performed well at school" and i was "well behaved", i never got assistance because it made me not eligible for anything like a teacher aide, like the non-verbal and high support needs student just across the class from me had all day. he got all the support he needed, which he should've, just because his disability was visible. i got ignored because i had "aspergers" and "was high functioning".

i don't remember ever having a good enough break from school, or more recently work, to where i could rest. where i could recover from my burnout. i got maybe a month and a half during summer school holidays as a kid during school. and two weeks between terms. but now that i'm working, even if it's only part time, i never take that two weeks off because i can't afford to. i don't get that month and a half off because i can't afford to. my old workplace was accommodating, but my fixed term ended at the end of february. my current workplace, with all its confusing and overwhelming bullshit, also required me to explain to my manager what autism is. she didn't even bother to google it between our first and second interview.

i'm going to work tomorrow, to cover a shift. then thursday, i'll be gathering all my necessary shit together to hopefully apply for a benefit. then, after my work week is finished, i'll have my mum call the crisis line for me, to see if i can organize going to a mental health facility before i lose my mind entirely. i can feel it getting worse, the autistic burnout i never got a chance to recover from. i've probably been experiencing the same burnout that i've never recovered from for, i'd like to say at least seven or eight years? since i was a child? it'd always just come back and bite me in the ass again after a while. summer holidays were never really enough, i need a year or two off. and i need my mental health back in order.

[mistergoddess]

the way i'm going to be absolutely fucked by bills on the 1st ^_^ rent n utilities n student loan payment all the usual stuff but then also... car insurance renewing and i have... hrt check in appointment on the 1st as well... and no health insurance rn bc unemployed so ummmmm no clue how that's gonna go out of pocket, i'm def gonna call this week and see what my options are and like if it's possible to just get it refilled without going in but pprrrrooobbably not so i'll also ask like for a quote for how much itll be and if there's any idfk financial help i can get or like sliding scale? probably nnnoootttttt bc its fancy private clinic, which was great when i had insurance! but now is like oh fuck oh shit! but worth trying to ask what they can do auuhhhh... but im looking at like upwards of $1200 in bills all hitting on one day lmfao fmsbl

AAAAND im injured so job hunt/working rn is sketchy and need gas and need to refill my t before the end of the month which is gonna be expensive now out of pocket and groceries are stupid fucking expensive bc im Not Good About Food and have Special Needs when it comes to food which makes it rly expensive and it's so exhausting to be like wow i could really like save money on food AND be healthier and have more energy if my mental issues didn't make my ability to eat different things and cook like fucking. nonexistent so i spend so much just eating like my Autism And Depression Wombo Combo Safe Foods i.e. instant food like ramen and frozen dinners and tuna/chicken salad and sandwiches and snacks which isn't good for me or nutritious and sustainable anyway.

it's so fucking hard i don't think of myself as struggling financially bc i'm crazy good with my money... usually... and always work it out and keep my savings up when i need to to keep a big safety net under me for just this kind of stuff since it's so hard to hold a job and i take a long time between jobs so i can't afford to let my savings dip to where i'd be absolutely stranded between jobs and can breathe a little. but then i get here and i'm like yeah it isn't good huh like money is indeed an issue isn't it. and then i don't think of myself as disabled and it's like yeah well clearly i struggle with stable employment and i struggle with the food thing. and my issues make it hard for me to work out stuff like negotiating and accessing healthcare in ways that are more manageable and affordable, like i know trying to call my gyno this week about the hrt checkin is going to be a disaster and i'm not gonna be able to ask the right questions or know how to ask for what i need and just get discouraged and scared.

like i DO have special needs and am at a disadvantage to ppl who can cope better and are higher functioning. but i don't. idk. allow myself? that? it's so fucking exhausting bc idk people have it far far worse and far harder than i do and i am functional to a degree but those weak spots and the inconsistency just mean. i'm disabled but not disabled enough to like treat myself kindly over it and not disabled enough to feel like i deserve to ask for help because i can take care of myself sometimes but the times i can't are really scary and stressful

i feel like. i'm constantly balancing on a fucking tightrope. or sliding down a hill and barely clinging to the side and desperately trying to climb back up a few feet before the next wave of the avalanche hits. and the fact that i CAN climb up and gain some ground a little makes me feel like. well i'm not really doing as bad as the people at the bottom of the fucking ravine who actually deserve to be rescued so i should just get over myself and why am i even here and why can't i just toughen up and get over it and climb all the way up. and i feel so fucking guilty like ok also why aren't i helping the people at the bottom of the ravine. if i can afford to keep some savings under me for times like this and emergencies then i'm just hoarding money and not doing enough for people who don't have that luxury like. i'm a bad person for looking out for myself first and not distributing what i have. idk.

and i know these are all really common anxieties and stresses and feelings of shame and guilt and self depreciation and self sabotage amongst ppl who have variable or mixed needs and like the fucking impostor syndrome that comes with it... which helps me feel less alone but i feel really alone too and i am quite alone, i have 2 really key players in my support network who i'm endlessly grateful for but i don't have anyone taking care of me but me and it's exhausting just. staying afloat. but i don't see myself as worthy of that exhaustion. i don't have anyone i can rely on just for like. idk. sympathy and comfort and distraction bc i don't have any irl friends and i don't have a social life so it's just me like. either going to work and struggling a bit to maintain that or being unemployed and struggling really hard to gain ground again and get back to stable. i don't have a lot of joy or wonder or exploration or experiences in my life because it's hard enough just to exist and not spiral and lose everything i'm constantly working so hard for and not spiral and start wanting to kill myself.

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

I'm not sure if you're awake right now but I wanna ask, can you describe some things your ocd causes(I don't know if that's a good word to use but it's all I can think of) you to do? I'm wanting to write a story involving a character with ocd, while I'm doing research I remembered (I might be wrong though so feel free to correct me) that I think you said somewhere before you had it and since you kind of inspire me to go after things I thought I ask. If it's too personal feel free to delete!

Also, ocd story anon, I read that trauma can be a cause of ocd, do you believe that your ocd could've come from your trauma?

This is a very very long response going into a few of my (and some alters) OCD traits and some reasoning behind them and the range of responses I have to various triggers. It actually helps me analyze my traits better when ppl ask stuff like this so I may have gone overboard as stuff kinda clicked in my brain but hopefully somewhere in here you will get your answer.

So, I’m going to start with the last question first. MY OCD was not caused by my trauma, however my traumas have completely shaped my compulsions and obsessions to a point where my OCD traits are almost inseparable from my PTSD. See, I’m autistic, and OCD is part of this co-morbidity package a lot of autistic people end up with, to a point where the co-morbid disorders are often not even diagnosed after the autism is because its that common. (They’ll diagnose separately if you need treatment for one of them. like the reason i have ADHD and OCD listed as dx’s is because the doctors count them separately on me bc i need medication for them, but they’re extremely common to the point of being expected with most ASD dxs)

Yes, I have OCD and have always had, but my trauma caused so much anxiety that the disorder reshaped itself around specific triggers. There are many layers to my OCD, it’s actually a strange sort of nonspecific looking presentation because of how many alters also have OCD, so it becomes difficult to tell who has which O and C thus there being a lot of inconsistency in whether or not a trigger affects me.

It’s also worth nothing that some doctor’s feel that I fit under the specific label of “scrupulosity” or rOCD (Religious OCD) because of how much of my stuff revolves around religion. I don’t always agree that it’s this because while my O and C are based on religious themes, I don’t believe in the concepts behind the things. I believe most of the religious stuff is just from religious trauma.

On one layer, I have a number obsession. There are certain numbers that are tolerable, a few that are “cursed,” and one that is “blessed” and one that is “perfect.” I will do anything to change things to match my blessed and perfect numbers. I will even fudge the truth a little (not a lie, often an exaggeration, by about one or two digits) to make something fit those numbers. To randomly come across a cursed number or even just a slightly intolerable one, makes me very anxious and can shape how i spend my day and how much time i spend with my better numbers. The way my trauma shaped this compulsion was that my numbers tie to religious stuff, since my traumatic environment was often religious, or trauma would be inflicted with religious reasons.

There is an alter that has a compulsion to say a prayer. When we have intrusive thoughts (which you super need to research if you’re writing OCD bc it is a KEY PART of the disorder but ill go into it later here), someone starts reciting the prayer. Sometimes I will as well just because it’s easier to go along with it. Not completing the prayer is not an option. I mean that with absolutely every intent. Not completing the prayer is NOT AN OPTION. It does elieviate some background anxiety, so whoever is dealing with that is being helped by the compulsion, but it is extremely frustrating and upsetting, especially since i am as non-religious as i can possibly manage to be. The prayer is also said whenever something is uneasy or something triggers specific flashbacks.

One of the most obviously noticeable and upsetting for all involved O and C is being “dirty.” There’s a VERY wide range of triggers here, from actually dirty/germy/unclean things, to unpleasant/intolerable sensory triggers, all the way to conceptual dirtiness like sin, virginity, and lying. This can affect me subtly sometimes, like how i compulsively tell the truth and over share so that i feel clean or how i cannot go to sleep after a fight if it has not been resolved. (”never go to bed angry” they said, well shit now i literally cant cool.) This can also hit me violently and to a point where I am a danger to myself. I worked at a movie theater for a summer some time ago and touched something that was a bad sensory feeling while cleaning a dirty theater. I then proceeded to scrub my hands in near-boiling water for almost fifteen minutes in the break room, broke down sobbing, and when I got home i sat under very very hot water in the shower until my skin was raw and red for days. It doesn’t often get to that point, but when it does, I’ve been held down for my own safety since I’ll literally rip my skin and bite myself to punish myself for being dirty. It is frequently bad enough that I will let myself do something “dirty” as a form of self harm since it seriously makes me miserable and sick. This stuff comes both from religious trauma and from just....crappy normal autism feelings and manifests as my most disabling OCD trait.

There are other things like closing drawers and straightening and arranging things that are done to feel that I am being “good” because of reprimands I received in the past that made me feel like I am “bad.” I am sometimes able to not act on these compulsions, though it takes conscious effort to choose not to. Whether or not this stems from trauma doesn’t really matter to me. I know that most of the fronting alters have these “little OCDs” be it through me or for their own reasons. Tia for instance has to keep things in the kitchen a certain way and Phoebe has to complete certain physical activities a certain way or else she gets upset or feels she did a very bad job/failed.Since I’m really just. going at this question lmao lets talk a little about intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are upsetting/disturbing/unacceptable thoughts you do not take pleasure in. For me, a few of them make me feel dirty, which triggers my compulsions very badly. Some relate to trauma, others don’t make sense. There are very common ones such as urges to kill or mutilate self or others, urges to do disastrous things (like causing a huge car accident), urges to do disgusting sexual acts (to self or others, often to unacceptable people like children, elders, and the undesired sex), urges to become a serial killer/rapist/shooter/etc, and other such painfully upsetting things such as those. These are often what fuel the obsessions in OCD and the compulsions are to make these thoughts stop or hurt less. Personally, I get a lot of sexual ones because of how poorly the topic was handled in my childhood. I get ones about elaborately slaughtering a specific abuser, about doing things that will kill me, about mutilating myself and mutilating pets (those are the ones that fuck me up the most i think), and about doing very destructive things that would harm a lot of people. I also get some about terrorism happening where I am, but that one is FOR SURE a trauma thing so maybe it could just be my PTSD. 

Intrusive thoughts occur with a LOT of different disorders!!!!! It’s just OCD when you have compulsions to cope with them. Even then, it has to be a certain way for it to qualify.

I hope I was able to give you somewhere to start in terms of information. OCD is a very big disorder and is a major reason why I’m unable to function in a workplace environment. I didn’t go into the specifics of every compulsion, but if you have questions, I don’t mind talking about this stuff. It helps me process it to explain it to others and I end up healing a little through oversharing I think.