#its all very fucking sad and unfortunate like VERY TRAUMA TIME

[tsurugis]

pfndvskdvfh i was looking for something in an old post and im side eying me saying in november that fenriel wouldn't stay a kid or teen for longer than half the first book. that fucker has aged a grand total of like a month by the end of it lolllllllll hes still 12

[calliesmemes]

YET ANOTHER ROUNDUP OF ASOLUTELY UNHINGED COMEDIC RELIEF

ASSORTED SENTENCE STARTERS FROM AROUND THE INTERNET, including quotes from Tumblr, Pinterest, TikTok, and X (formerly known as Twitter), for when a muse wants to be a bit silly <333

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

❛ I am not merely a clown; I’m the entire damn circus! ❜

❛ I will bite you if you continue this behavior. ❜

❛ Being a dramatic ass bitch isn’t a personality trait; it’s a lifestyle! ❜

❛ Trauma? Oh … you mean, my lore? ❜

❛ why must I cite sources? is it not enough to just say ‘trust me, bro’? ❜

❛ sorry for being a perfect sweetie and a genius it will likely happen again. ❜

❛ forget about touching grass; I need to touch WATER I NEED TO GO INTO THE OCEAN I NEED TO DIVE INTO THE SEA!!! ❜

❛ I’m attracted to men with muppet energy and no i will not be explaining. ❜

❛ you want me to make friends with people? the thing that killed julius caesar? ❜

❛ what’s your birthstone? mine is rock bottom. ❜

❛ I absolutely hate that I’m not bioluminescent. Pathetic. ❜

❛ ohhhhh my god i have got to stop mourning the past or whatever. ❜

❛ you expect me to act like a normal human being? I’m wearing a turtleneck! ❜

❛ i don’t struggle with same sex attraction I’m actually very good at it. ❜

❛ unfortunately i often find out without even getting the chance to fuck around. ❜

❛ I’m bisexual which means that I’m attracted to anybody who can defeat me in physical combat. ❜

❛ all anyone needs to know about me is that i’m a dumbass and i love women. ❜

❛ sorry but philosophers aren’t impressive i came up with stuff like that when i was 12. ❜

❛ I pay my own bills; I can cuss all I want! ❜

❛ I don’t have rizz; I have sad eyes and a weird presence. ❜

❛ my demons are chasing me and they’re doing the Naruto run. ❜

❛ honey we are ALL doomed by the narrative. it's not that serious. have some fun with it. ❜

❛ dating me is like interviewing a psych ward patient. ❜

❛ being a girl with very large brown eyes comes with great responsibility. ❜

❛ i’m autistic in ways that you can’t even begin to imagine. ❜

❛ being a loser may be a phase to you but its a lifestyle for me. ❜

❛ entering a magical portal in the woods would fix me. ❜

❛ I’m lonely but not in a hot mysterious way; more like in a pathetic way. ❜

❛ life is so unserious just say womp womp and move on! ❜

❛ you’re vibing? In this economy? ❜

❛ just because I’m small doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass. ❜

❛ my primary motivators are fear, spite, and aesthetic longing. ❜

❛ sorry about the chaos; I needed attention. ❜

❛ WHAT IS UP GIRL you look foreboding and malicious! ❜

❛ baby i can be your problematic bi wife. ❜

❛ i don’t think any of you understand how important i am to the plot. ❜

❛ what if we are both red flags? what then? ❜

❛ any dream can be a prophetic dream if you’re willing to do some really weird shit. ❜

❛ my hobbies include being right, being gay, and being a hater. ❜

❛ i have a phd in Loving The Color Pink And Also Glitter. ❜

❛ being a menace to society is a full time job and I am dedicated. ❜

❛ my life has been a bouquet of oopsie daisies. ❜

❛ i survive on spite, anxiety, and blasphemy. ❜

❛ if you’re not obsessed with me, why would I wanna be with you? ❜

❛ the hottest thing a man can be is a little afraid of me. ❜

❛ my love language is being a hater. ❜

❛ i don’t get enough credit for acting far less insane than i actually am. ❜

❛ the A in my name stands for always right. ❜

❛ Jesus is my homeboy but God has a lot to answer for and I will continue to be rebellious until he does so. ❜

❛ I’ll see a man with long hair and then remember that I’m not above temptations of the flesh. ❜

❛ i’m going to be honest with you I’m not going to be honest with you. ❜

❛ stop asking me if I’m ok I’ll literally make out with you. ❜

❛ part of my masculine charm is that I’m literally insane. ❜

❛ are you sure those are demons bro? or are they consequences from the choices you made? ❜

❛ i do not identify as a boy or a girl. i identify as a nuisance, an irritant, a fool, and a problem. ❜

❛ praying on someone’s downfall isn’t enough i need to participate in it. ❜

❛ we all need to chill. i won’t do it first but it’s something i noticed. ❜

❛ not to sound like a Victorian woman suffering from hysteria but going to the sea would fix me. ❜

❛ the silly goose convention called; they asked if you could be their keynote speaker. ❜

❛ i deserve unrestricted access to old castles and old churches i want to know all the secrets. ❜

❛ doesn’t matter if you’re cringe or based we’re all just here to suffer. ❜

❛ I’m no longer comedic relief I’m now serious panic. ❜

❛ this is getting difficult to romanticize. ❜

❛ done healing my inner child. next up is my inner teen. her highness needs a sword. ❜

❛ i am God’s silliest experiment. ❜

❛ i’m very vulnerable right now if anyone wants to take advantage of me. ❜

❛ sorry i overshared do you still think im hot? ❜

❛ I can yap for days and still maintain my air of mystery. ❜

❛ good luck sending me mixed signals; I don’t even understand normal ones. ❜

❛ not all of your life decisions have to be smart. some can be purely for cinematic value. ❜

[brainjvice]

So…I just binged reading your ryusaekai posts (love the stuffs) and its gotten me thinking about ryukai , although ryukai have around 11 ff on AO3 but not a single one on here aka tumblr is making me kind sad😞

I'm so so sorry it took me this much time to reply to your ask! It's been sitting in my drafts for a month because I wanted to give you a proper reply and fill it with ryukai hc but Life Life-d and Here we are. Still, I'm super sorry. I loved this ask, and I'm glad you enjoyed my ryusaekai posts, they're very dear to me!

So. Premise: to me ryusaekai is strictly a V poly relationship: i find Shidou and Kaiser fundamentally incompatible. At the same time they would be SO HOT together and, aesthetically speaking, they match way too well (this is so ironic, considering how bad their personalities match).

chara analysis under cut (it's. a bit long. oops)

To me it would be so Hard to make them work in canon, but at the same time we still lack Shidou's backstory so tbh maybe after it will be revealed I may reconsider their compatibility. Alas, for now... putting someone who easily resorts to violence with someone with Kaiser's trauma... doesn't seem like a good idea.

Kaiser also looks pretty touch repulsed unless he's the one doing the touching. On the contrary, Shidou is very much ok with physical touch and affection expressed via physical contact.

Also... their life philosophies may crash too. Shidou seems to have an optimistic approach to life and has a strong sense fo who he is and what he is doing Here and Now. He looks very in tune with his body in its whole. Also sees football as a way to express himself, a way to feel free, to "explode". He Loves playing football and looks like he's actively chosen it as a sport.

Kaiser, on the contrary, lives in regret. He barely feels alive and it seems he lives his life at 50cm of distance from his body. He is very disconnected from himself and his identity and crafted one by scratch just to be able to mask better in front of people. To him, football is a way to survive. To not go back. Does he like it? Yes, he seems to enjoy football from an early age. But the way he was put in the industry it didn't give him more choices about what he actually wanted to be. It was that, or death.

They do have their similarities, though. They are both eccentric as fuck and do not like to conform nor want to. They also have a weird relationship with the concept of impossibility, although they have a different approach to it (Kaiser wants to embody the impossible, Shidou, on the other hand, denies its existence "who decides whats impossible?").

They also both have antisocial tendencies and but while Shidou looks genuinely amazed by people and what they can do, Kaiser has probably an inferiority complex towards "humans" which he constantly tries to compensate for.

Anyway, as you can imagine, making these two assholes interact can be hard. But there's ways they can bond. Maybe Shidou can pspspsp hard enough to make Kaiser actually get closer to him. To me it's easier if there's someone else inbetween them to "mediate". Not that Sae is the embodiement of the perfect mediator, but his presence may deter both shidou and kaiser to be too asshole-ish towards each other.

.....Another personal hc I have of them is that Shidou enables Kaiser's hidden antisocial traits. A scenario I have in mind is Shidou challenging Kaiser to steal Sae's wallet. That's because to me Shidou would SMELL Kaiser is a tad fucked up without Kaiser having to opening up at all. Unfortunately, Shidou is extremely good at reading people and would use his ability to sliiightly mess up with Kaiser, trying to make him drop the mask.

Also. Imagining them having beef over who manages to steal Sae-chan's wallet first and without him noticing is HILARIOUS to me. That and the three of them being in a situation where they need to open up a door without having a key. So you see Kaiser and Shidou discussing the best ways to break in without causing too much damage to the door. Kaiser would use a credit card, Shidou propose to use one of his hairpins to help. Sae looks at them slightly worried about how both of his boyfriends apparently knows how to break open a door.

So yeah. All the scenarios I have in mind for ryukai is them bonding over Illicit activities. They should smoke weed together as well and just chill. Maybe Shidou makes a dark humour joke about his own childhood and Kaiser snorts (tries to cover it up via coughing) but doesn't reply. Maybe they can reach a mutual understanding of each other, which doesn't necessarily mean mutual respect but, hey, it's *something*.

Hope you liked this analisys and comparision! :>

[barbwillbrb]

Snippet Sunday!

Thank yee @ladyofcrowsandcoffee for the tag! I finally got snippets to share for once thanks to the monstrosity of an RP @faerunsbest and I got going on.

I wanna show various aspects of Mortimer's persona, so here are five snippets showing different sides of him.

Combat Mortimer:

It was too strange, too surreal; faint memories flickered past his troubled mind, the ghost of his past life haunting him. Walking in his childhood footsteps, Mortimer worked his way through the house that was his personal hell, finding his way to the uppermost floors. His senses on high alert, he reached out with his magic, searching for any signs of life, but ultimately seeking one soul in particular– sure enough, Mortimer could feel him, a dark, angry force above him, in the office. Some things never change. 

While most of his father’s forces seemed to convene on the bottom-most levels– the man always, always hated being interrupted during his work, a lesson Mortimer learned all too well as a child, earning the scar on his wrist– a few lingered upstairs, holding fast to their positions as carnage echoed up the stairwells. The distraction proved fruitful; they never heard Mortimer approach, nor had the time to react when the wizard flooded their lungs, water blooming in their chests– the guards dropped dead, drowning where they stood, liquid tinged with red dribbling from their lips.

Hysterical/Sad Mort:

It wasn’t like Mortimer didn’t try, wasn’t like he didn’t want to– the gods themselves knew how much he wanted the man back. 

Fear, however, was an insidious, ugly thing– especially fear wrought from deep-routed traumas and broken memories. 

Mortimer knew damned well it wasn’t Sybyll that hurt him– not really, no. Sybyll wasn’t to blame for any of this. Unfortunately, the harm that befell Mortimer unlocked parts of his mind he kept buried for his own survival: all the very worst moments of his wretched life– the darkest, most vile recollections from his time with the cult, his time imprisoned. He couldn’t sleep without being taken to a dark, awful, choking pit. Nightmares weren’t nightmares when you knew them to be true, their marks buried deep in your skin. 

On the nights he could sleep, he woke in a cold, panicked sweat; Mortimer had taken to relying on potions to maintain any sort of rest. 

Mortimer didn’t just lose Sybyll; he was losing his damned mind, his peace, his sense of self.

More Sad Mort because making him miserable is fun, and he had to break in order to get better. Also, he swears!

It seemed fate would not bring Mortimer a moment’s peace, regardless of his misery. A knock came from the door, followed by Lennox’s voice; of course the wizard forgot something. Mortimer was half tempted to dismiss the werewolf’s concerns, simply wave away the questions or just refuse to open the door… if he didn’t know for a fact that Lennox would simply break it down to figure out what was wrong.

Besides, Mortimer didn’t want him to think something was wrong with the chair, not after everything Lennox had done for him. Gods– all this work to fix himself, and Mortimer was still a mess. Broken… incomplete. Without Sybyll, that’s exactly what he felt like, a puzzle without all the pieces. 

And Mortimer lost him. 

“Fuck, fuckfuckfuck,” Mortimer swore under his breath, wiping his eyes with his sleeves, his hands balled into fists in his frustration. He did his best to dry his face, pinching at his cheeks, and looked over the mess that was his desk. Hurriedly, he stowed the bottle and glass away, shutting the cupboard drawer. If he delayed any longer, Lennox would surely knock the door off its hinges. “Coming, coming,” he muttered, hating how hoarse his voice sounded; he should have brought water with him. Then again, his plan was to get shitfaced and forget about everything, wasn’t it? Thank Lathander that he only had the one so far. 

Mortimer being a disastrous romantic

It wasn’t that he had nothing to say– quite the opposite; the words came quite freely in regards to his feelings. The difficulty was trying to narrow down the torrent of emotions he felt for Sybyll into something that didn’t come off as the barely coherent, lovestruck ramblings of a madman– or led to him practically begging forgiveness for his stupidity. Although, if Mortimer was honest with himself, the shortest note he scribbled was probably the most accurate: “I am sorry, I am a fucking idiot, and I love you. Please tell me it’s not too late?”

A groan left him and he threw his head in his hands. At least Pinky was not trying to kill the goldish, or Mortimer very well might have lost his mind. Nothing was coming out right. Mortimer looked at the drawer of unsent letters, all pulled from his heart. Each one was a silly mess of fluff, pining, begging– unedited and raw. Why didn’t he send them before? Pride? Worry that it would be too much?

Each letter was nothing but honest. Mortimer needed to be honest– and damn-it-all, he didn’t give a shit anymore about his pride. 

Sybyll thought he was alone. Mortimer was determined to prove he never left his heart. 

He gathered all the letters and placed them in a box, surprised at the weight– he might as well have written a novel– tying it closed with red thread. Whatever Mortimer wanted to say, he would say it in the moment, and if Sybyll needed proof about his feelings– well, here it was, wrapped in a bow.

... aaaaaaand spicy time Mortimer

The vampire yanked his robe's collar free, fangs dragging lightly along his throat; Mortimer hissed in delight, feeling his lover trace an intoxicating path against his skin. The wizard wanted to be patient, to take this slow– but when Sybyll lay back, erection firm against his stomach, looking up at Mortimer with a pleading pout on his pretty red lips– he couldn’t hold back. “By Gods, I’ve missed you, I’ve missed you so much– and I’ll fucking prove it,” Mortimer growled, removing his fingers, snapping into life a mage hand that quickly took on a more appropriate form. 

Working quick but gentle, Mortimer wrapped an arm around the smaller man, flipping their positions in an instant so Sybyll straddled his lap. His hands went to the man's waist, holding him in place as the ghostly cock slid between Mortimer’s legs, beneath his lover’s waiting entrance. Eyes dark with barely contained lust, he pulled the ribbon free from Sybyll’s neck with his teeth, kissing his way up to the vampire's jaw, then lips. Mortimer guided Sybyll down onto the cock, gripping his hips tight. “I’ve longed to do this for months,” he murmured, beginning to move Sybyll, his hold firm.

No pressure tag time: @lemonsrosesandlavender @faerunsbest @kimberbohwrites @commander-krios @savriea

[ananke-xiii]

T stands for Tara (or maybe for Trauma)

Rewatching S9 sure is a lesson in paying attention for me 'cause I missed so many things the first time it's almost like I'm watching a new season now. The biggest example is, of course, Dean's emotions vs Responsibility/Accountability.

The Gadreel Thing is so much more layered than I thought and this was on me cause the show was spitting facts: Dean gets manipulated by the angel, there's no doubt about that. The show makes it abundantly clear from episode 1 that angels are, generally speaking, not to mess with and now even more so, now that they're on earth, fallen and in pain they are even more deranged and dangerous than usual. They're desperate for vessels and it's a real fucking mess, it's absolutely ugly.

Now, Dean doesn't really know about all this but he does know that angels are dicks, I think he even trademarked the phrase. However, Dean's desperate cause a fucking doctor told him that Sam's life is in God's hands (as he had a right to be, fuck you Doctor but also, in hindsight, LOL if only they knew they were indeed in God's hands all along...). He prays to Cas, Cas doesn't answer and what does he do? He prays to angels, any angel who will listen.

And this is Dean's fatal flaw: one might say he's too emotional or that he's emotional disregulated but Dean acts based on what he feels at the moment and he has two modes: either he feels nothing or too much and this is unfortunately not healthy, talking from experience.

The thing is that Dean's emotions are treated as a sort of moral compass in the show, as something that either justifies or blames him and I'm not sure that's fair to Dean, to the other characters and to the audience too.

But back to S9, S9 really pointed the finger at Dean's emotions and said this is what happens when you're not centered in yourself: people take advantage of you. Because Dean was taken advantage of by Gadreel, by Crowley and even by Cain. it's abysmally sad.

So, in my view, Dean was responsible for making a desperate call to desperate monsters based on desparate emotions and that sets off a chain of events that he cannot be entirely held accountable for. This doesn't mean Sam shouldn't be pissed, he has all the right to be so. What I'm saying is that they're so focused on their issues (the same they had by the end of s8 that s9 has just taken to its tragic extremes) that they're not seeing the bigger picture. And while Sam can be justified for failing to see it because he was also a victim of manipulation (a manipulation where his own brother has a hand in) and literally not in his sound mind, Dean should be able to start gathering the pieces but he fails to do so. Why?

I think an extremely interesting episode is "Bad Boys", if I remember the title correctly. The one where we come to know that Dean was in a boys' home for 2 months. Full disclosure I don't like the episode for its overly sentimental tone and 'cause there are a lot of factual incorrect things but it very well succeeds in showing us the root of Dean's behavior.

In this episode Dean clearly states (and he seems to believe it) that it wasn't John's fault (as Sam pointed out) that he got arrested and brought to Sonny's boys' house. It was his fault.

And we, we absolutely see that this is 100% not true. Like, none at all. All the fault was 100% on John, period. But here they are, something like 15 or more years later and Dean, a full adult now, still thinks that it was his fault.

So, once again, in case we had forgotten, the show reminded us that the main source of Dean's issue with responsibility stems from his childhood trauma.

This is why he now blames himself for Kevin's death and Sam's possession. Which it's actually true cause he did call the angels in a reckless, illogical, desperate moment, bringing havoc on that poor hospital instead of waiting for 5 fucking minutes and calm down. So yeah, Dean's got a problem. However he is NOT responsible for Gadreel's con just like he wasn't responsible for John being a neglectful and abusive father. And yet he takes these burdens on himself because he did call the angels and he did steal the bread but both times he acted from a place of desperation and both symbolical and literal starvation.

it's still a problem but it's another kind of problem.

Now, what does S9 in this regard? It made it all worse. Yeah.

Dean makes the same mistake twice but this time I will hold Dean if not responsible, surely accountable for it.

Tara is the glaring example of what I'm trying to say.

Tara is the woman John Winchester had a thing with while they were hunting a knight of hell together. Or something like that. She dies because of Dean but this time Dean doesn't blame himself, he blames Crowley and he's in the wrong.

Crowley manipulates Dean just like Gadreel did. In fact, Dean was hunting for his prey, Gadreel, when Crowley shows up promising to do something fun fun fun together. And Dean capitulates because this is what he thinks the solution to his problems is: fun without consequences. Except, there are. like. tons of them.

Of course, Crowley's not Gadreel and he knows Dean so much better and uses the ghost pf John Winchester to lure him in ("Does T stand for terrible father?" etc). Together they go to one of John's storage units (parents trapped in demonic storage units while their sons become ghosts or even demons is a literal thing in s9, ask Linda Tran; the symbolic implications are simply delicious, I'll forever love Carver for his command of symbolism) and the dance begins.

They end up in Tara's shop and here Dean is the absolute worst: he fucking shows there with the literal King of Hell by his side, downright lies about it and fucking reassures Tara that it's all good and she should trust them. Them?! A literal stanger AND the King of Hell? Dean was out of his mind with grief and hurt etc but this is borderline stupid and demanding and all sorts of bad things that got Tara dead by skin-peeling. Ugh.

Tara immediately calls his bullshit because she has the knee thingy: her knee aches in the presence of a demon. Yeah, yeah, Dean's a demon foreshadowing, cool, but also. like. Dean lied and he came clean just cause he couldn't do otherwise.

He vouches for Crowley and this leads to admittedly even stupider Tara to believe this stranger and put a bullet in her demon trap, an action that will later prove fatal for her.

So Tara dies horribly because of the Capital Sin of Trusting Impossibly Beautiful White Men Who Claim They Want to Save&Protect People but really, mainly because of Dean.

And I find it sooo interesting and telling that Dean is ready to beat himself up for Kevin and Sam to the point of taking on the fucking Mark of Cain because he didn't have the tools to handle big emotions (not his fault but it is his responsibility as an adult to try and look into this since it's apparenlty hurting people). However, he promptly distanced himself from Tara: that was on Crowley.

And maybe it was. Because Crowley was manipulating Dean etc. But how come Dean CAN see where responsibility lies NOW and yet he cannot see it in the Gadreel Thing? How can he absolve himself so easily?

Here lies Dean's second fatal flaw, one that he shares with his brother: for all their talks about saving people and the world, at the end of the day they only care about their own world, that is strictly each other. And they do that because SURPRISE!SURPRISE! their only caregiver didn't care for their well-being and closed them off from the real world. Literally so. Dean didn't go to the dance, supposedly didn't keep learning how to play guitar, didn't do any other boxing match or whatever he did in high school.

The show presents it as HIS choice but was it really??? He was a goddamn kid, of course he wanted those things AND he wanted to be with his brother. If choice it was, it was an utterly unfair one and definitely a choice too big for a 16 yo teenager. Similar thing applies to the Gadreel Thing: it was Dean's choice but was it really? People see it differently but I'd say that choice under coercion is not a real choice, add trauma and unresolved issues to the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Now, I'm not one for "John's the monster in this story" cause he's another complicated character but also yes, as a parent he is a monstrous parent and understanding his trauma doesn't justify him, just like with any other character.

This is, of course, the core of the Carver era and one of the reasons why I like it: because it doesn't shy away from showing Sam and Dean's hypocrisy and where it comes from.

Finally, I just want to say that Tara in Buddhism is "The Venerable Mother of Liberation", the one who compassionately saves people in the samsara. It's ironic that she gets brutally killed right before Dean takes on the mark, am I right? It's also not ironic that Carver era ended with the Resurrection of Mary Winchester after Dean was released of the Mark and released The Darkness in the world. They did a thing.

[sasukeless]

while i do think part of late stage naruto writing was just to wrap things up, sasuke completely forgiving itachi really just shows that he will always be the little brother. i mean not just logically lol like the personality, the little brother that looks up to his big brother and looks up to him and looks to him for guidance, regardless of how right or wrong it is. like yes sasuke was gonna attack konoha when its the opposite of what itachi wanted, but in the end its still influenced by his feelings for itachi (non rom. obviously). itachi can do whatever he wants or thinks he has to do and sasuke will forgive him. meanwhile you have itachi who also will always see sasuke as the little brother, emphasis on little, controlling him and what he does, up to the very end, never seeing sasuke as a grown person that can make his own decisions or even considering why sasuke does what he does, always clouded by his unquestioning loyalty to konoha. i think ironically people calling him a genius really fucked with his intelligence since he always thinks hes in the right (planning on brainwashing his own baby brother??).

i think it would be super interesting to see a what-if scenario where itachi survives post-war and continues this. probably not to the same degree but you cannot tell me he would just suddenly go 'ok sasuke i trust you know whats right for you:)' there is just no fucking way. and sasuke having the time and space to actually think about how his big brother is not right, not just pushing it aside to blow konoha up in grief and anger. like actually getting to work these things out and. idk where im going with this. feel free to reply publicly

u really read my mind like to me itachi the worst case of Older Sister u will ever see but sasuke also is the worst case of little sister when u actually stop to think it through because he reallyyyy would forgive itachi for all and i cant say that doesnt makes sense. im a middle child but for the longest time i was the little sister and i know whats being on the spot of forgiving the worst things from my sister does even when i KNOW i wouldnt forgive that from anyone else (not to trauma dump here but i was literally outed by my own sister to my parents horribly and even if its one of my worst memories like Ever. i really forgave her the second she did it). like of course in sasuke and itachi’s case is soooo far worse and their power dynamic is so much more messed up but it makes complete sense to me i cant lie about that. and also i find their relationship one of the most compelling things in the manga along with sns because of that. its horrible but god if its not gut-wrenching. sasuke will ALWAYS deserve better in my eyes but his love for itachi is so so big and unfortunately for him itachi also loves him the same his problem is that his way of loving sasuke is soooo bad, that in the end even if its sad to see sasuke losing his brother a second time itachi dying is the Best outcome for both cus had he kept living his way to love sasuke would just have continued to mess with sasuke’s life. Like youre so rightt had itachi survived post war he wouldve NOT been suddenly become the best brother thats just not how he ever was w sasuke, even if he didnt saw it he wouldve kept trying to make sasuke follow the life path he puts for him, but also like u said i think w itachi alive and sasuke himself growing up he wouldve also on his own began to put his foot down too to itachi Worst Older Sister syndrome. because the thing about grief is that when u lose someone you love you dont want to think of the bad memories so it makes sense after itachi’s death sasuke refuses to think badly of him even if he has all the reasons, and keeps him STILL on that pedestal of older brother and its insane but like i said. i get it

[okthatsgreat]

hiii okay i just started reading opddmh and i was wondering if you have any thoughts about komaru and toko's relationship and udg in relation to the virtual reality au you're writing? :3c they are so precious to me and if u dont have any thoughts on it thats fine!! just wondering <3 have a good day!!

OOOO DEFINITELY !!! nothing too complex or thought out but ive definitely got some thoughts on it >:)

first things first ultra despair girls is most certainly some kind of spinoff in this universe! so its not considered a main storyline/killing game however it is still on ongoing series! i imagine after 53 seasons the danganronpa timeline has been seriously fucked up and udg is absolutely one of the main reasons its so wonky, you can IMAGINE all of the conspiracy youtube videos trying to piece that shit together lmfaooooo. but yep udg is a running spinoff series starring toko, komaru, and the warriors of hope (who are teenagers in this au at this point!!). it also features a range of other villains and side characters that were introduced later on :] udg definitely isnt as popular nor is it as consistent in its production as the main danganronpa story is (while danganronpa has at least one season per year, udg has one maybe every three), but it still gets a whole lot of views !! which means toko and komaru are unfortunately in it for the long haul </3

they live seperate from each other however they're over at each others apartments so often that they basically live together LMFAO. they rely on each other SO so heavily. i personally think they have romantic feelings somewhere underneath their fear of losing each other to the mental trauma of danganronpa however there is NO WAY danganronpa would ever let them be a couple. the most theyre allowed to do is queerbait ghfdsjkghjkdf. if they confirm anything between the pair they are destroying an entire market of fans they can profit off of and also likely losing hella sponsorship money. its extremely difficult navigating a relationship like that, where they have become so heavily codependent on each other not only because their wellbeing relies on the other being healthy and well but also because they've grown so close it's impossible to imagine a future where the other isnt involved somehow. everything danganronpa has put them through, it has usually been TOGETHER, which means they've bonded through those experiences. is that healthy? absolutely the fuck it is not however there is no time or space to navigate that or to spend time away from each other (even if they wanted to, which they don't)!!

the pair stay relatively close with the warriors of hope-- or at least komaru does lmfaooo. like i said before the warriors of hope are teenagers at this point (honestly theyre probably mius age!! which sparks a lot of hypothetical interactions LMAO) so they dont really need babysitters or anything like that but because there are not very many people who could possibly understand what they've gone through they tend to stick together!! a few of them, at least. i imagine nagisa is a lot more distant and kotoko probably has other friends she talks to a whole ton :] people that arent constant walking reminders of her current and past traumas lol

komaru also doesnt talk to makoto as often anymore! they kind of keep in touch and definitely see each other at press conferences and all that, but the relationship has become somewhat strained. its a bit awkward knowing they arent actually related!! theyre still kind to each other and care about each other like actual siblings but its hard not to feel sad around the other unfortunately :(

and toko definitely doesnt talk to byakuya much anymore besides the occasional promotional material LMFAO. they dont despise each other but both have done a lot of growing and a lot of that included distancing themselves from each other

SORRY IF THAT WAS MORE THAN YOU ASKED FOR!!! THANK YOU <33

[nerves-nebula]

Oh boy, that last comic really made me sad/pos

As you said, it changes everything and it changes nothing, they'll probably start being paranoid about any interaction Leo and Splinter have going foward

They will look at how happy Leo is to spend time with him and just wonder how he is able to do it, then again that's what grooming does to you. You might hate it, be disgusted by it, be afraid of it and the person but you still spend time with them because you are used to it

Leo has a survivor streak, But it's directed mostly to himself as self-preservation. What would he get from running away? Unlike his brothers he doesn't want to go away from everything he knows and deems "safe" because of how isolated he is from them

He has no friends(Like Raph)or someone who cares for him more than at à very basic level (Like Mikey and Donnie who have eachother and Raph)

He might be their sibling and he cares for them at à minimun because even when he is told how little they should mean to him Splinter also makes them "important enough" that he wants to keep them with him

I guess I just see myself in her but very different because even when I found out what my abuser was doing was wrong I stayed well into adulthood to protect my siblings since my abuser fixation was me(I used to daydream they would one day say I was "too old" but that never happened)

Had to fake I cared and they were very delulu about my feelings and our "relationship" which started when I was a literal toddler, didn't want to endanger my siblings until I got all of us out and they never knew what was going on, I've never told anyone even when the bitch kicked the bucket

And I guess Leo would have been the same? I can't see him opening up because he want to about it, he would rather be in denial than see herself that way

leo WOULD rather be in denial, but unfortunately one of the things his brothers required for them to not abandon him was to work on his emotions. he does talk about it eventually, but not as extensively as some of his brothers. he mostly just acknowledges it and sometimes brings it up if its relevant to current emotions, but most of that trauma is saved for THERAPYYYY BABYYY

GUH I love ur reading of leo here its really fun to see all the stuff you pick up on and how you related to her mindset

ugghghghhh this ask is making me dream about the farm house arc. if i ever get around to it that might be the next Big Comic, or, alternatively, the next Big Fic (after I finish caracal carousel) (which lets be honest at this point its going to take a LOT of time to do)

though I kind of think I need to develop the PLOT/world/background cast more because they would play into how The Boys end up at the farm house. And the turtles fighting Shredder is what makes them work more as a team and get closer as siblings- so i should really get on it with designing shredder and his goals and shit. GUH.

sidenote: I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm glad the BITCH is dead. I know how fucking hard it is to decide between your own safety and your siblings safety and frankly doing what you did sounds hellishly difficult.

[ssreeder]

i dont feel like discording right now so your getting this here instead.

what the fuck was that

i mean it was amazing in the sense that your an incredible writer and you captured all the traumatic shit perfectly and whatnot but still whatthefuck

you are just trying to completely trying to isolate sokka arent you?

Like its zukos turn to get some type of emotional support (even if it is by iroh 🙄😒) but atleast its there. But Sokka is just pushing everyone away.

i mean i dont blame him for lying, i probably would to in this situation.

and i dont think either of them are in the wrong this chapter, like i think they both have every right to be as angry as they were in this chapter (esp sokka bc katara is acting a tad bit shady)

surprisingly i dont want to strangle iroh this chapter. so that was a weird expierience (actually semi enjoying reading him)

Its like your trying to murder us all but like,, in a very artistic and lovely way.

because liab is horrific (affectionate) and stuff but its also really good and i love it.

i think you should let sokka go batshit and actually attack someone (preferebly iroh) but just my thoughts .

i still dont forgive you for the whole shen situation. i think about that atleast once a day. ive never had a fanfiction haunt me and i didnt even like shen that much but did you care? No you ripped my heart out. (idk what im saying here)

on a different note

you always do such a good job at capturing trauma and the effects of it. also the longevity of it. like as much as i hate reading sokkas slow descent into madness its also very nice and i love it. and as much as i hate seeing zuko tortured over and over and over and over again (leave him alone jfc) its war and its accurate for a prince that got turned over into the wrong hands (of course, who at this point is the right hands for him at this point since sokkas a litttle bit insane and ozais obiously a douche bad and irohs a twit). (i feel like your really trying to push the whole 'iroh is the best thing for zuko rn' thing and while i very reluctently agree, i still dont like iroh. he'll never get my approval).

I got off track.

anywho

even though its taking so long for both of them to actually be maybe sane, i think the little bit (we might) get by end of liab will be worth it because its taking so long??? idk.

i want to say i trust you with that but i dont

is it going to be perfectly executed? Yes. Definitely.

is it going to be happy? Who knows.

i think thats all for now

if your having trouble following my train of thought so am i but its your fault so.

the last portion was intended to be nice idk if it came across that way.

I’m not trying to isolate Sokka! He is doing a damn good job of that without any effort from me.

Katara & Sokka we’re just doing what siblings do, fight. But one is exhausted and emotionally drained and the other is in fight mode and ready to cut anyone down (even if it’s accidentally his little sister)

Shens death was sad, but he was laid to rest soooooo…. Positive moments??

Awwww thanks for the compliment - I’m glad you enjoy the way I capture the longevity of trauma because it’s not going away but time & support will help them heal slowly. Although after what they experienced they will never be “back to normal”

There will be a happy ending for those of the characters that survive, but there will always be lasting trauma. It doesn’t just ‘go away’ unfortunately.

Your ask was really sweet I’m surprised!! I feel warm & fuzzy MAXXXX!!!! you’re amazing. & I’ll make sure to stuff liab full of iroh content JUST. FOR.YOU. <3 (& Zuko cause he needs his uncle right now)

[samismusicjournal]

Ethel Cain’s “Preacher’s Daughter”

1. Family Tree (Intro)

This song is so cinematic, I love it. It’s a walking-in-slow-motion song and very badass. It’s a powerful elegy about generational trauma (”The Fates already fucked me sideways” meaning she was doomed from the start due to her circumstances).

2. American Teenager

A tonal and emotional shift from the previous song. Very fun and angsty.

3. A House in Nebraska

We really explore Ethel’s artful lyricism in this song. The images are so distinct. It’s a very mournful song that anyone going through a heartbreak would probably vibe with and cry to.

4. Western Nights

There’s a very desolate and resigned atmosphere to this song. It talks about being “in love” with someone with serious problems and red flags.

6. Hard Times

This is such a sad song about abuse. It has a similar resigned tone to Western Nights, like we’re experiencing the abuse in real time, just having to let it happen. It’s terrible to think that someone who you idolize and respect and love so much could hurt you so bad.

7. Thoroughfare

I love the folksy vibe this song has. It has a romantic western/rock feel to it. Oh my god I’m listening to it now and it’s quickly becoming one of my new favorite songs. It has the same adventurous and devil-may-care attitude that America’s Horse With No Name has.

8. Gibson Girl

This is another badass- sounding song, but this one is about the dark parts of her new relationship. She’s being objectified and drugged by someone she thought she could trust.

9. Ptolomaea

Instantly, I’m creeped out by this song. It is so doom-filled and foreboding, it sounds like the soundtrack to a nightmare.

10. August Underground

If what I’m reading is correct, Ethel is dying in this song, and she’s being held hostage by Isaiah. For not having any lyrics, this song sure does pack a disturbing punch. I recognized the title as the infamous snuff film, so it makes sense that the subject matter is so terrible.

11. Televangelism

What I read about this song is that it’s her ascension into Heaven after her brutal death.

12. Sun Bleached Flies

This was the first song I heard before listening to the album in its entirety. It came up on my Discover Weekly on Spotify, and I really liked it. Now, hearing it in the context of the album, it’s even more emotional. This is Ethel processing her traumatic journey. At the end of the song, she admits that she never stopped loving Willoughby, her first love.

13. Strangers

Isaiah takes Ethel out of the freezer and eats her, but she warns him that she will be “turning in his stomach and making him feel sick.” She also laments the fact that she will never get to see her mother until she gets to Heaven, and that her mother will “wait up” for her when Ethel appears on the side of a milk carton as a missing person.

Final Thoughts

This is a haunting story. It shows how people trapped in the cycle of abuse are more likely to find themselves in troubling situations. Although Cain’s demise of being cannibalized is a little extreme, it serves the album well by using the shock factor to make the listener pay attention. The whole story just makes your heart ache for her because all of her circumstances are so unfortunate, and none of them are really Ethel’s fault. Generation trauma that was handed down to her by her father’s abuse, her strict religious upbringing, losing her first love, losing her second love in a shootout, running away from home, and being betrayed by one of the only positive male influences in her life. I’m definitely going to do more research into the story of this album because I’m very intrigued by it. This was a great listening experience, although I would never have figured out any of the plot if it hadn’t been for the numerous articles and Genius annotations I read. I like when artists include little hints as to what’s going on in the story of their music, and Cain does a decent job of that (especially the part where she is cannibalized). However, the loss of her second lover in a shootout with the police after a robbery was not clear to me at all. Neither was the transition between her being drugged and her death. But knowing the story makes this album all the more enjoyable. I’m glad people online have come together to figure it all out. Will definitely be listening to Thoroughfare a lot over the next week at least!

[onlyifyoubadd]

gmmtv endings have a tendency to miss the mark for me (mostly with wrapping up character arcs) which makes me super wary of where Jean's storyline will end and what lesson they are trying to teach. we've seen her triggered a number of times, and this ep we see her triggered to point of flashbacks while trying to be intimate with Tony. i realllyyy dont think Jean and alex should explore the possibility of a relationship right now, let alone rush to be together/makeout! especially since they cant even talk about that night, nor can jean name her trauma to herself, friends, or alex. its just so sad! i feel for her, and it doesnt seem like alex even remotely understands the trauma he gave her. he thinks of it as simply giving her a memory of "bad sex", but its clear that jean holds sexual trauma from that experience. at the very least it was a complete disregard of her boundaries, and at most an assault! likkkeeee i need them to name it as such. first and foremost i want to see jean heal! all the rest is confetti.

they are doing well with discussing sooooo many other taboo yet important topics, so i hope they dont fuck up this sl but i guess we'll see. unfortunately my hopes are not high at all from the vibes im picking up from the show...

[realmackross]

PARTIES: @fearhims3lf @realmackross

TIMING: July 4th; not too long before midnight.

SUMMARY: After leaving her shift at Dance Macabre to head home, Mack unfortunately runs in Mateo shooting off fireworks. However, what comes next is very unexpected, but karma can be a real bitch sometimes.

WARNINGS: alcohol mention tw, eye trauma tw, teeth trauma tw, unsanitary tw (just in case), fireworks tw

July 4th. It was the first time she wasn’t going to be with her family on the annual holiday, and it was safe to say that Mackenzie was pretty upset. This holiday was always a special one, especially with her dad. From as far back as she could remember getting a pack of fireworks and shooting them off in the driveway was their tradition after a day of swimming, grilling out, and hanging out with her friends and family, but this year she had been stuck working a shift at Dance Macabre all the way across the country. All the emo kids had a right to celebrate, even if Mackenzie was bitter about it, “See you next shift, Mickey. Be safe going home.”

As Mack walked outside, she could hear the distant boom of fireworks from all the people who ignored the more than likely noise ordinance, “I’m sorry, Dad. Wish I could’ve been there this year…” Keeping her eyes on the sky, she moved closer towards where the sound was coming from hearing the loud whistle of bottle rockets and pop of firecrackers. 

With no carne asada and family to spend time with on the bullshit national holiday, Mateo took to blasting as many fireworks as he wanted. Dead Kennedys boomed on his speaker, the whistling blasters shooting to the sky. The mare had bought more than he needed, and he had to cross state lines to do so, but who was gonna touch him? With night casted, Mateo felt practically invincible. A cop could show up and he just needed one good touch or a slice of a shadow to make a run for it. 

Chuckling to himself, Mateo lit yet another cherry bomb, tossing it and watching as the smoke plumes out of the orb. Next were the Roman candles. Those were always his nephew’s favorite. “This is for you Oscar.” Mateo muttered to himself, striking his lighter to life. The flame was about to meet with the igniter when a familiar face came into view. “Oh, come on.” Seeing Mack growing closer, Mateo groaned to himself and slumped his shoulders as he turned to face her. The town was small, but not that small. “You’re following me at this point. You can’t even blame me this time.”

She was somewhat enjoying the display in the night sky and was grateful to whoever had chosen to risk shooting off fireworks this late in the evening. With sad eyes Mackenzie continued to watch the show, a very small smile slipping over her face for the first time in a long time, until she heard his voice. Oh fuck me. Looking away from the sky and over towards the man standing with the Roman candle in his hand, she let out a loud sigh, “My one tiny bit of enjoyment, and it’s you?!”

Taking a long, deep breath, she slowly let it out praying she could release the frustration along with it. Mackenzie wasn’t going to let Mateo ruin what little enjoyment she was garnishing from his hundreds spent on fireworks, “You know what? I’m not doing this shit tonight. Resume your little fireworks show.” She stepped back and spread both arms out motioning for him to resume. What’s the worst that could happen if she stood there quietly and enjoyed the explosion of gunpowder right in front of her…

Mateo rolled his eyes, shaking his head at the way Mackenzie went straight to anger. He didn’t even get it anymore. He’d answered her questions and spared her life. What more did she want from him? Sure, Mateo had a precarious job that required questionable morals and a violent nature, but every job had its stipulations, didn’t it? And every position had its perfect candidate! It’s not his fault that it was him.

“Listen, I’m very good at bringing enjoyment to people. You’re just bad at receiving it. And that ain’t my problem.” Flicking the lighter to life, Mateo guided the flame to the tip of the Roman candle, the telltale sizzle sending sparks outward. “You ready for me to resume then?” He pointed the firework toward Mackenzie, knowing it wouldn’t actually hurt the undead girl if anything happened. Well, not really. Wasn’t like it would kill her again. It was a Roman candle. One of the least deadly of all the fireworks. Especially if she was a zombie, like he suspected.

She had never used to be this bitter in life. To be this person. She had usually felt bad for these people. What awful thing had caused them to become so closed off to life and the enjoyment of things? Of course, Mackenzie knew she was blessed. She had a job and life most people could only dream of. She was happy and was about to spend the rest of her days with someone amazing who understood her way of life and career. Even the being a zombie thing wasn’t so bad at first. A lot of change, but she could handle that. She had spent her whole life adapting to change, right? But then in one split second, it was all over, and Mackenzie became exactly who she swore she’d never be.

“Enjoyment? You feed off of nightmares! That may be fun for you, but not a lot of people enjoy watching the worst moments from their life constantly flash before their eyes over and over and over again in horrific ways. And like I said…didn’t come here to fight tonight. Just came to watch you blow tons of money literally to pieces.” She huffed and shook her head, “And don’t point that fucking thing at me since you lit it dum-” Before Mackenzie could get another word out the sparks that had quickly made their way down the fuse and past the lift charge shot out the first shell from the tube exploding in Mackenzie’s face.

For a moment she stood stunned. Having not had anything to eat in several hours, her reflexes were failing her severely as another shell shot out and hit her square in the face again, this time sending debris into her right eye. Finally realizing what was happening, Mackenzie screamed as she backed away, temporarily blinded by the firework stumbling over herself and falling to the ground with a hard thud. While her senses to pain were numbed, she could still feel a burning sensation over her now skinned and charred face, “WHAT.THE.FUCK, MATEO!?!” The helpless zombie moaned in pain refusing to move from her spot on the ground.

“There’s more to me than just eating nightmares.” Mateo snapped his teeth playfully, “I party and sell music, which people enjoy by the way. I even play a mean game of pool.” He shrugged, dismissing Mackenzie’s warnings. He wasn’t going to let the roman candle actually fire off toward—it released its spark before Mateo had a chance to react. 

Well, fuck.

Okay. Maybe pointing a firework directly at someone was a little too far. Okay, a lot far. Mateo winced at the scream, rushing to Mackenzie’s side quickly and taking off his jacket to throw it onto the girl’s face to put out whatever fire he caused to continue.

“Okay, that was fucked up. Really fucked up. It shot off too soon!” He hovered over Mackenzie a little longer, only pulling away when he was sure there was no fire. “Are you okay?” Mateo removed his jacket slowly, blinking with surprise at the charred skin and black blood covering the girl’s face. Wasn’t the worst thing he’d seen, but it didn’t exactly smell great either.

If she could have passed out, she would have, but instead she sat there silently as Mateo threw his jacket over her face to smother the fire. Mackenzie was in shock. The worst thing that had ever happened was breaking her neck and back during the stunt that ended her life. Never had she experienced a Roman candle to the face. It was certainly not her idea of fun, and this was coming from a girl who had a passion for dangerous things. But the longer she sat there, the funnier the whole situation became. Either Mackenzie was losing her mind, at that moment, or she just didn’t care anymore. If she had had a gag reflex the situation would have been a lot worse, so at least there was one thing going for her.

Slowly opening her left eye, Mack realized her right one was fucked - at least until hopefully a new one grew back, which she didn’t know was possible having never experienced something like this before, “Well considering I’m an actress and you just shot me in the face with a Roman candle…” She looked up at him with her one good eye, before a snort came out, “I mean how could things get any worse?” Her fiance was dead due to her lack of regard, her acting career was probably over, there was a good chance she wouldn’t see her family again… “I need a drink…or a doctor…or both. I don’t really know anymore. What do you suggest?”

Mack’s injury slowly began repairing itself, flesh crawling and muscle regenerating. Mateo watched closely, memorizing the way everything stitched back together from the burnt edges they once were. He smiled, already thinking of all the ways he could use the imagery for the nightmares he’d be creating in the future. “Huh?” Mackenzie’s voice managed to grow from muffled to clear, making Mateo blink with a hit of confusion. Then, when the mention of drinks registered, he chuckled, shaking his head amusedly. 

“Well, getting you to a doctor won’t be a good idea. That’s a sure-fire way to get you kidnapped and sent to Area 51 for experimentation.” Shaking his head from side to side in thought, Mateo bounced his eyebrows and leaned back knowingly. “But…I do have quite a bit of alcohol back at my place. It’ll be free considering I just fuckin’ fired a Roman candle to your face, so it’s quite literally the least I can do.” He sighed, shrugging. “That’s just my suggestion though, fam. I might even be able to jump around in some shadows and get you them damn brains you guys be dronin’ about.”

Just like the day she had died, a strange feeling had started taking over Mackenzie’s body. It was a ticklish sensation, and something that seemed rare these days. Her face didn’t quite sting as much. Small open wounds that had once sprinkled her features, were now disappearing. But there were still a few larger ones taking their sweet time, like the one near her jaw that had left a small hole almost revealing her teeth. Her eye, however, was still fucked, and it scared her to even try and open it.

“I mean is it though at this point? I could be like…” She was having trouble thinking as it was taking her strength away to heal the wounds on her face, “like that…grrr…grrrrr…gorilla that knows sign language.” Mack remained on the ground, but everything he said had sounded good, especially the mention of brains. It made her salivate more than usual, which wasn’t a whole hell of a lot, “Brains and liquor good.” She reached up trying to find his hand like a small child, “Help me.” Her speech was getting shorter as she tried not to think too much, scared of losing herself like she did the night Brody died.

“With the way you regenerate, they’re more likely to starve you and dissect you. Gorillas get a different approach, I’m afraid.” Mateo rubbed at his face, plucking his jacket away. It had remnants of Mack’s skin, but with it on the back of the garment, he still put it back on and offered a hand.  “All right there, cavewoman. Very good, huh?” Mateo couldn’t help but chuckle and mimic the voice, the ridiculous aspect of the whole situation not lost on him. It was only a matter of time until Mackenzie was stalking about, droning about the one thing she wanted. “My car’s around the corner,” Taking a hold of Mack’s hand, Mateo helped her up, draping her arm across his shoulders and wrapping his arm around her. “Let’s go get you brains and liquor.”

[chryblossomjjk]

You said diary, so I'm here to deliver

TMI WARNING (lol):

Fortunately, I never did the nasty with him (the thought is 🤢). Only went as far as the back seat canoodling (is that how u spell?) bc even tho I had no standards, I knew my limits. He sucked at kissing tho and his nostrils were so big that his fucking snot got into my mouth 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. His kissing skills were extra disappointing bc he was my first kiss, and my dreams were shattered bc I thought kissing was gonna be boring for the rest of my life.

While i wasn't dating him at the time (15 y/o me was depressed and insecure 🙁), he was my first boyfriend technically (only when he wasn't cheating on me 😉🙄). So, I guess you could say the whole dating experience was ass.

Man's made me very sad and took advantage of the fact that I was so hung up on him to have the chance to get off. However, he was ass at that, too. I'm pretty sure the dude had a death grip on himself whenever he watched porn bc he'd always suggest we "finish at home," as in by ourselves 🤨🤡.

Turns out he was still ass later bc his ex-girlfriend came to tell me all the tea when they broke up.

Also unfortunate, but he was so a part of my friend group bc me and my friends were immature. BUT, this gave me plenty of opportunity to roast his fragile masculinity as much as I wanted. He was gonna pay for my therapy and emotional trauma somehow 🤷‍♀️😂.

Sadly, I tried to date another emotionally and physically stunted guy after that, which ended before it started (I could go on about him, too ugh).

On a happier note, i haven't dated since, and while sometimes I feel like I'm missing out, I know that I need to have a great relationship with myself first. I'm really finding myself even though the past 4 years have been hard, and it has been and will continue to be worth it 🥰

But fuck, I miss kissing and cuddling 🫠🥺.

Thanks for letting me rant, most darling Kiki. I 💖 you.

im so sorry my love! honestly, it's kinda nutty to see how that first person you're really into heavily influences the way you feel about yourself, relationships, etc. i'm so sorry your first experience with love was traumatic and i'm so glad to hear that you're healing <3

and unfortuantely its all trial and error and sometimes you find another dud like you did the sceond time. however, you were able to spot the red flags asap n gtfo of there!! v proud of you for that like thats not an easy thing to do!

i really hope when you're ready, you find a love that is kind, sympathetic, and easy, bc you deserve it :( <3

[pinkadork]

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

[redorich]

to those who carried on

A fic for @petrichormeraki​ and their Hermit!Tommy AU.

-------

The hermits know Tommy as a quiet young man who is very sad and contemplative. The more time they spend with him (against his will, but they know he needs the company) the more they learn of the little details. His favorite block is cobblestone, he likes building towers, and apparently his favorite woman is the Queen. They don’t ask why he wears a smiley mask even though he never seems happy. They don’t ask why he hides important things in his ender chest. They don’t ask why he wears a shattered compass on a chain about his neck.

(Once, he died in lava and lost his absolute mind. He was so upset about the compass that he didn’t even mention the stack and a half of diamond ore he had on him. Xisuma ended up manually rolling back the server just so Tommy could have it back.)

As time goes on, the tremors in Tommy's hands grow lesser. His dull blond hair seems a bit brighter, his bruises fade quicker, he doesn’t look quite so skinny-- he spends his time serenely building, resource gathering instead of running and fighting. He has a sense of humor under all that trauma, which the hermits unfortunately find out after another massive-scale prank war thought to be instigated by Grian actually turns out to be Tommy's fault.

Tommy starts swearing more. Doc gets the stink eye from Stress for this, but Doc insists he’s never once sworn around the young man. (That’s an absolute lie, but it wasn’t anything Tommy hadn’t heard before. Tommy thinks Doc is remarkably unoriginal in his cursing. He does take note of the German ones, though.)

Inviting Tommy to PvP minigames can be touchy, they learn. He likes to fight, but he fights like an animal with nothing to lose. Grian once chanted, “It stays in the pit!” and everyone present had to spend the next five minutes wrangling Tommy’s soul back into his body from wherever it’d floated off to.

Tommy likes to glide with his elytra. He claims he’s never had one before, but he flies like such a natural that a few people have their doubts. On a dark desert night, with dark blue eyes watching the night sky, he confides to Cub that it reminds him of the way his dad used to fly. He hates rockets, though. He does not confide to Cub that it reminds him of what his brother did to his best friend. He says enough that Cub can guess, though.

Scar gets fed up with Tommy’s creeper holes and makes Tommy help him fix them. At first, Tommy has no clue why Scar is breaking out things like coarse dirt and birch leaves and making the ground all fancy, but he’s not afraid of a little hard work and Scar makes it fun. He learns a lot about terraforming that day, and awkwardly comes back a few days later asking if Scar needs any more help terraforming. Tommy still hasn’t built a real base, not by Hermitcraft standards, but the small hill he’s built his dirt hut near now has a very beautiful, if amateurish, waterfall. He doesn’t tell Scar about this, but Scar finds out anyway. Tommy wakes up one morning to find that someone has left a shulker box in his house. Instead of iron-gripped paranoia, he just feels wonder that someone would give him a gift-- to the hermits, a single shulker box is nothing. To Tommy, it’s everything.

The shulker box contains coarse dirt, birch leaves, and a silk touch shovel.

Tommy helps Xisuma mine a giant hole in the ground near bedrock, because he realizes that he’s never thanked the admin for getting him his compass back. Well, that and the fact that instamining with a haste two beacon and an efficiency five pickaxe is a novelty. Xisuma lets him keep the cobble, since everyone knows it’s Tommy’s favorite block, but also insists he keep some of the other blocks like andesite and diorite. He pats Tommy on the head and tells him to talk to Bdubs about building a house some time. Tommy nods. He's taken aback by how tall Xisuma is, completely contrasting his mild nature. He reminds Tommy of Wilbur, on one of his good days before... Before. Not Ghostbur, though-- the admin is much too alive.

Tommy waits too long, so eventually Bdubs comes to him. The man is silly and outrageous, playing everything for laughs and unexpectedly tender. Bdubs plays up how beautiful he thinks Tommy’s hideous dirt shack is, then offers to help him build a house that’s better. For Tommy, building a house means settling down, accepting that this is his home now. Bdubs doesn’t know this. Tommy builds cobblestone dicks while Bdubs tries to lecture him about depth and block variation. Nothing gets done and Bdubs feels like he might have failed, but come next week Bdubs is flying over the area and sees the dicks are gone; so is the dirt house. In its place is a spruce-and-cobble cottage nestled near the tiny waterfall. Off to the side, he’s made a cozy doghouse for his fox, Theo. Bdubs doesn’t know how close that fox came to being named Fundy.

He spars with False, and she very pointedly does not mention how his stances are uniquely suited to a piglin. There’s only one renowned fighter who’s a piglin, after all. It's Tommy’s story to tell, if he ever does, why he’s seen enough of the legendary Technoblade’s fights to pick up on his stances, yet he’s not experienced enough to know that they don’t suit him. Instead, False gives him different stances suited more for tall, skinny people like the two of them. She’s got blond hair and blue eyes just like him. (Not that she’d know. She’s never seen his eyes, hidden behind his mask as they are.) Every now and then, he imagines her as an older sister, and the one time he says so, she smiles. When Tommy’s at home, looking at his own distorted reflection in his waterfall (he’s improved it since he built it), he muses that their eyes aren’t the same, their hair colors are subtly off. It’s close enough, he thinks.

Stress dies from fall damage and Tommy goes out of his way to pick up her stuff, because the hermits do these things out of the kindness of their hearts. The thought never even crosses their minds to steal. It crosses his mind. He doesn’t do it. Stealing from Stress would be like stealing from Niki.

He shows up at Cleo’s base unannounced and demands to see the “cool shit”. He is appropriately enthused by the giant armor-stand-bugs. She tries teaching him her armor stand magic, but it doesn’t really sink in. It’s okay, she assures him, most people don’t have the knack for it. He does, however, learn that buttons make excellent decorations. He also learns how to braid hair, bribed by ice cream. He is terrible at it, to the point where Joe has to come by to help the two untangle her hair so Tommy can start again. Watching the two bicker over capitalism and six million armor stands and a whole host of other inside jokes he doesn’t get, he thinks he’s starting to understand what friendship is supposed to be like. Joe and Cleo don’t see him clutching his compass. He and Tubbo weren’t too far off from this, given their circumstances. Maybe...

Maybe Tubbo can be forgiven.

Tommy makes minigames of his own, ones that don’t just kill you and steal your stuff. He builds things that are pretty instead of just functional, brews potions with Stress and only calls them drugs once (again, upsetting her is like upsetting Niki. Best not done), and sets up chicken bombs above people’s bases instead of just lavacasting them. (As Grian saw the hundreds of chickens slowly raining down upon his mansion, he got such a peculiar look on his face that Tommy feared he’d fucked up. The shorter, stronger (much stronger oh god why is he so strong despite being so small) man nearly crushed Tommy’s lungs in a hug, proclaiming how proud he was of Tommy. Tommy was proud of himself for not accidentally murdering Grian out of reflex. Was this what healing was like?)

Yes. It is what healing is like. Tommy knows this because that wound gets ripped open again. Tango shows him how to build the most obnoxious redstone-powered noise machine the two can think of. Tango digs a small pit, and asks Tommy to throw down his axe. Suddenly, Tommy’s in Logstedshire again; it’s not Tango asking, it’s Dream. His hands don’t shake when he tosses his axe into the pit, followed by his sword and his armor. It isn't until he’s placed the TNT down that Tango grabs his wrist and asks him what he’s doing. Tommy’s eyes clear enough that he can see past the blond hair and freckles. Tango isn’t green, he’s red. He's shorter than Dream, and his worried eyes are unhidden. Tommy shudders, then tells Tango everything.

Tango has no pity for Tommy, just understanding and sympathy. He doesn’t push Tommy to talk about it, but when Tommy’s done telling his story, Impulse and Zedaph show up. They all pretend that Tommy’s voice isn’t hoarse, that they all didn’t conveniently happen to look away when Tommy took off his mask just long enough to wipe his eyes. The men bake a cake together, fool around with honey blocks, and don’t talk about it.

Tommy knows very little about redstone, considers himself more of a builder and a fighter than an engineer. Still, Mumbo’s living base is inspiring, and Tommy often hangs around the man’s industrial district just to watch Mumbo work. Mumbo knows that Tommy hasn’t purchased a day pass, but it’s nice having someone around to talk to while he works. It’s not like Tommy is stealing anything. (Tommy totally steals from Mumbo’s industrial district storage system. The man’s farms are so efficient that he doesn’t even notice, so Tommy assumes it’s fine. What Mumbo doesn’t know won’t hurt him.)

Lava still isn’t his favorite thing in the world. He stays far away from it, instead of imagining what it would be like to hurtle towards it. Ren doesn’t really notice this, but he does notice that Tommy doesn’t seem to like his mustafarian base. On a spur-of-the-moment whim, Ren whips up some absurd plotline in which he is a lone weary traveller seeking refuge at Tommy’s base from strange alien overlords. The two have fun together, and the young man cracks more absurd jokes about it than the hermits have ever seen him do. When Ren leaves a week later to return to his own base, Tommy keeps being absurd, if a bit more subdued without someone to play off of. He builds a shrine to the “prime log”, which grows more elaborate each day. Beef and xB pretend to be his acolytes, despite having no clue what a “twitch prime” is.

They can’t see his face, but the smile in his voice is a far cry from the despondency he once wore like a heavy cloak. He is so much more animated and alive, full of motivation. He builds an entire island in three days, and hand-delivers an invitation to each and every hermit for his beach party. Everyone shows up, even those with packed schedules (Iskall) and those with introverted tendencies (Etho). Tommy is nearly moved to tears when they show up in groups of twos and threes, as though he hadn’t expected anyone to come. There aren’t enough chairs for everyone, but there is more than enough cake to go around. Tango brings drinks, Impulse brings meat to barbecue, and Zedaph makes an elaborate jump-powered grill. Keralis brings way too much confetti and several handfuls of cheap, obnoxious party noisemakers. Stress brings Tommy a crown made out of alliums. It shines far less than his brother’s gold crown, and it’ll die in a few days, but he wears it all night and keeps it in his ender chest until it withers away.

He spends five days teaching himself to make flower crowns. Even his best attempt is awful, nowhere near as pretty as the crowns Stress makes, but when he gives it to her, she takes off the one she was wearing and wears his until it falls apart.

He dies fighting a creeper on Grian’s behalf, and doesn’t even panic, because he trusts that however many times he dies, no matter how stupid or ignominious or revolutionary or important, Xisuma will always let him respawn.

He spends a grand total of nine diamonds to buy a single plot of land in the shopping district. He builds a cute little bench facing the sunset, with warmly glowing street lights on either side and a small garden. At the end of the bench he places a jukebox, and buys every single disc that Beef’s music shop sells, including Pigstep. He sits on the bench while Mellohi plays and watches the tiny silhouettes of his friends flying in the evening sky. Tommy looks alone on that bench, even if he seems happy, so sometimes other people stop by to sit with him. Scar declares the bench area a public park, since everyone likes it so much, and refunds Tommy his nine diamonds straight from the throne.

[paraemu]

which of the main riders should NOT be a parent

godai: canonically kids love him and we know he's good at household chores and he's just a great guy all around so he'd make a wonderful father. however its unlikely that he would have kids cause he's always traveling around, but if he ever settles down i can see foster kids coming in and out of his and ichijou's house all the time

shouichi: i havent seen agito but all i know about him is that he's basically a housewife so i assume he could take care of a kid. he seems to have some baggage that would stop him from becoming a parent tho

shinji: i dont think the thought of having kids has even crossed shinji's mind. can't really imagine him as a parent

takumi: he'd probably have to think long and hard about it first but i can see him warming up to the idea of having kids in the future (i will NEVER forgive inoue for robbing him and kiba of a future together i hope he goes to hell)

kenzaki: for obvious reasons kenzaki can't have children and actually its making me sad just typing this im skipping this one

hibiki: him being a dad is like the whole premise of the show

tendou: tendou is the perfect mary sue which means he's immortal and will never die and as such reproduction is meaningless to him

ryoutaro: he canonically has a grandson so congratulations on reproducing. i hope it was with yuuto. the idea of all the imagin pitching in and helping ryoutaro raise his child along with his sister is rly cute i love den-o

wataru: ok listen i KNOW inoue just threw in wataru's child from the future as a joke but i think wataru having a child 2-3 years after the show completely unprepared to be a parent and having a rly hard time with parenting all around is unfortunately very in-character for him. i believe in him tho i know with some therapy and a couple of parenting classes he can power thru

tsukasa: tsukasa would be a shit ass fucking dad and i dont think we should allow him near children. however it would be insanely funny if he and daiki were sougo's awful deadbeat parents who left him in a wet cardboard box all alone as a baby so now i am married to this au

philip and shoutaro: can't imagine either of them having kids

eiji: after the ooo summer movie i am convinced that eiji REALLY wants to have kids but his trauma prevented him from ever giving any serious thought to it. and then the whole ankh situation happened, so it'll probably remain an unfulfilled desire. he'd make a great dad if he ever had the chance tho (the ooo vcin doesnt exist to me)

gentarou: he has the vibes of someone who will have 5 kids by the time he's 30. in his case they're all most likely adopted but still. also probably houses and rehabilitates troubled teens

haruto: he wouldn't be half bad at parenting but i don't think it's something he wants. even after he's let go of most of his emotional baggage he's just the sort who likes to keep to himself and live independently

kouta: if he wasn't a god he would probably marry mai and have 2.5 kids with her

shinnosuke: HE DOESNT DESERVE KIRIKO SHE SHOULD BE MARRIED TO ME AND HAVE MY CHILD NOT HIS

takeru: i heard he has a child in the novel? ok i read the novel summary and nvm thats not canon to me. he should marry akari instead. the 3/3 on normie het marriages is concerning gaim-drive-ghost truly was the dark ages

emu: fast forward 4 years from the end of ex-aid and you'll find emu entering his milf era. he's going to have 3 kids separated by 2 years each. he's had like MAD baby fever since college so he's got it all planned out already

sento: realistically? banjou and sento are definitely not having children. s/o to ppl who write kid fic of them where their baby is also a science genius tho i think thats cute

sougo: no. just no.

aruto: i.... honestly dont know. hes too busy looking after the company and fighting for humagears and stuff i guess

touma: i havent finished saber yet but i think kento and touma should have two kids one boy and one girl I DONT CARE WHAT TRIO OF DEEP SIN SAYS

ikki: probably also getting normie het married and having 2.5 kids idk hes not important

ace: complete wild card we're still on episode 3. will update this when geats is over