#its abt the Need. the Desire

[quiexxxent]

anyways on more pleasant roads,

i think aru prefers to be sweet, but since she's on the run and not in a permanent spot, she'd also be into like ........ just making do. like there's some room for a nice dinner, but not so much for candles and rose petals,

but maybe she'd be kinda into doing it clothed, or eating someone out so they feel good, <:)

[aquickstart]

ok sure i'll talk about farleigh start. i'll talk about his tragedy of never being enough as it were and then having to deal with fucking oliver. sure. disclaimer: it's about class (and race) and the horrible reality of the rich. the horrible reality of living as farleigh.

another disclaimer: i'm white! and poc definitely pick up on everything i'm talking about here as it is, and better. i was and am specifically interested in farleigh vs. oliver but it's impossible to examine without considering race. definitely let me know if anything abt this sucks!

farleigh and oliver are similar. it's annoying because every intruder that is not himself is annoying, partly because felix's attention swaying from farleigh is dangerous; there is always a threat of being discarded, even if no precedent existed. the potential is terrifying.

but you'd think he's seen this before, every summer (if venetia is telling the truth) or at least often enough to learn to recognize it fast, so he should know this will pass. part of it is i think still the deep anxiety, and i think he hated every boy that was there before, and it is sort of routine.

but definitely a huge factor in farleigh's annoyance is the fact that he's a biracial (black for cattons, that's all they see) man in a white rich household. he's alert and exhausted all the time. of course he's angry at oliver, regardless of whether he's the first to crash at saltburn for the summer or the fifty-first.

but the important thing is this.

farleigh is very jealous of and angry and pissed at oliver because farleigh sees all the similarities between them. outsider, in financial trouble, whatever it is, in need of cattons; and yet oliver is preferred. and farleigh seems to be the only one to really consider it. felix does not pick up on the hint when farleigh brings up the birthday party vs. his mother. felix's clumsy "different or... anything like that" is as much about race as it is about class, of course. the "we've done all that we can" bit is felix absolving himself of guilt because surely they had, surely the mysterious collective cattons that he's not really part of had tried all they could do. to him, farleigh is different from oliver, because farleigh has been helped. felix is rich and white and twofold uncomfortable with farleigh, even if he's nice about it, even if he genuinely enjoys his company; he doesn't look too close at farleigh because he feels too guilty to come too close. and farleigh can't do anything about it. he can't nice himself into it. the fucking tragedy of him is that he's never enough in the world of the ultra-rich white, even if (especially because!) he's born into it.

farleigh is very pissed at oliver because farleigh also sees all the differences between them. you know who can be nice poor white enough to fit in? fucking oliver. felix says "just be yourself, they'll love you" when oliver first moves in. farleigh was also probably told the same thing, and felix also probably believed that farleigh could just be himself, but even if the cattons were magically not racist at all (impossible), it wouldn't make a difference to farleigh. he would still self-censor, keep in check, be in dangerous waters (because racism is not just about the individual, but about the system). we see that he'd won himself leeway by years of trial and error by the way he speaks to the family, but it's still within the boundaries of acceptable, built by the cattons. he's part of them because they allow it, and farleigh is very, very aware.

the annoying thing is oliver can be himself. like, truly, genuinely, he can just be. and farleigh can't help but envy that.

as a side note, oliver is obviously jealous of farleigh in the beginning as well, because regardless of the reality of farleigh's situation, he was born into it, and hence, at least in oliver's mind, has his position solidified. oliver's whole thing is unquenchable thirst and hunger for whatever and everything the cattons have (including themselves!). he wishes to have been a catton from birth. to oliver, at first, there's nothing farleigh can really do to lose it. and until he figures out the cattons completely, he can't help but envy that.

but i think farleigh senses something different about oliver early on. at least on the level of the text, we have "you're almost passing [for] a real, human boy", which is so important because farleigh is the first to point out oliver's weirdness. the next to do so is venetia in the bath scene calling him a freak, but it's too late. farleigh is too early.

and i like to think he clocks oliver too early because he sees the jagged edges that he recognizes in himself. i think that one other thing that farleigh envies is oliver's freedom to let go. freedom to let go is very similar to freedom to be, but not quite the same.

to be is about perception: farleigh knows he cannot fall out of line, but would like to, and oliver does not have to worry about it at all (i mean, he does, because oliver also performs for felix, but farleigh doesn't know that).

to let go is about the self: farleigh is too scared to even want what oliver eventually does, to even consider the possibility. oliver can let himself want. oliver can let himself act. oliver just can do things and want things. i'm not sure farleigh can.

and so in this scene, when oliver's wants and actions have landed him nowhere with farleigh, felix, venetia, the cattons, of course farleigh gloats. he can let himself do that, because if the cattons are slowly discarding him, farleigh can allow himself this one small victory. he's relieved because despite the dangerous similarities, oliver is, thankfully, not really the same as farleigh, right?

but like. this movie is a love letter to all things gothic. oliver is a white man. he prevails. the brief performance that oliver put on did eventually end up more effective than farleigh's lifetime of constraint. my heart fucking breaks for him to be honest.

the issue that remains is the fact of farleigh's survival. i like to think that oliver came to respect him. oliver is smart, but farleigh is clever. he picks up on everything oliver does (to refer back to the karaoke scene, farleigh immediately retaliates in the cleverest way, in the moment), and he's the only one to do so consistently (venetia, again, for example, comes close, but too late; oliver doesn't like that, there's nothing to work with). hence, stay with me for a little longer, the paradox: farleigh survives because he was never enough for the cattons, but he is very worthy of oliver's attention. in his own freaky way, oliver wants him. look at that.

so. farleigh. farleigh might come back. he always comes back. and i think oliver wants to try harder next time.

[desire-mona]

i think im a lesbian

[dangans-ur-ronpas]

the future foundation probably trained the survivors in self defense and hand-to-hand combat after they were rescued. because they're heroes now, in a way - in the eyes of those who were watching, they are symbols of hope, they survived despite it all, they are made noble through their suffering. and i think of makoto, whose hands are probably soft and has never even thought of hurting another person in his life, being handed a weapon and taught how best to disarm, how best to kill, how to see a room as a battlefield and a person as an enemy and do whatever it takes to protect yourself, kill them, survive, survive, survive. because he is too important now, the Ultimate Hope; he cannot afford to be lost. he cannot afford to die

i wonder if he took to the training easier than expected. because while he is being taught to take a life with his own hands - to utilize an environment into a weapon, to swing without hesitation, to kill when necessary - he has already killed before, in his own belief. the deaths of his classmates hang over him like a yoke. it doesn't matter if all he did was say a name or push a button - he carries a guilt as sure as if he was the one who murdered them himself

[bacchuschucklefuck]

love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest

[trainingdummyrabbit]

rrarauhh these have been in my sketchbook for Literally Months; iwas gonna clean em up but if i donot post them as is they willnot be posted so ^_^ woe. funy realization designs be upon ye.

ecstasy, mimicry, and moonlight angies respectively; ft. roland cameo on the right. because Two Of Them :]

[spacedlexi]

when u want to like a character so so bad but theyre a cop so its impossible

[noscomnias]

"even though we may take different paths, i am... still his little sister."

[lemongogo]

can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3

[phagodyke]

the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

[astralleywright]

i do hope this whole thing compels Fearne to start speaking up more about her wants and needs. we can talk about how the Hells don't check up on her as often as they could or should, and I'd agree, but she also rarely advocates for herself or shares what's she's feeling. it makes sense given her lack of experience with everything mortal, but this proves she's not the only one getting hurt by it: what Ashton did was not at all her fault, but if she had told the witches or Orym her fears about taking the shard during their respective conversations, it almost certainly wouldn't have happened!

even in the best of circumstances, the people who care about you can't read your mind (or they can, but they're trying really hard not to in order to respect your privacy.), and the Hells are very very far from the best of circumstances. they're relying on Fearne just as much as she's relying on them, and so the need for better communication extends to her as well. hopefully she can start to put that into practice next time by kicking Ashton's ass.

[realbeefman]

i don’t really like omegaverse that much (absolute lie) but i DO think that house md would fuck *that* much harder if it was set in the omegaverse

[pikslasrce]

a hyperfixation will take you to dark places that you didnt think youd venture to again <- is about to REwatch iwtv (1994) bc she finally read the book so she wants to compare the two

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

I've been looking for this one au where Len basically becomes a mad scientist and turns his friends into robots one by one for a while now, and I'm beginning to realize that I just read through your blog while half asleep a few months back and mixed together my memories of your flower hivemind and composite au

this is very funny to me. i'm absolutely honored this blog's posts were enough to evil-farming-game an entire vocaloid au into your memories 😂

i can give you this doodle; it's composite au but i'm sure it'd fit very well with this theoretical mad scientist len au lololl

[trainingdummyrabbit]

yes yes the inherently difficult and complex nature of angelas development and her intrinsic instinct to be guarded at all times But Also . i just want angela to get a fucking hug. or like. a pat on the shoulder, or Something

[qualityrain]

in shambles thinking abt hny 36 because yk. the mirror. yk how in 8 satoko has this flashback of how when she was a kid she would look at her scar in the mirror and know that it makes her undesirable but she shows it to shinpei and is proud of it even calling it her badge of honour and then in 36 she once again sees her scar in the mirror and realises that shes getting so thin her ribs are showing and she knows shes looking more and more undesirable and ugly and shes so ashamed she tries to hide and pass it off as a lol i havent been eating thing instead of it being yk. her chronic illness thats supposed to kill her. and she literally expects shinpei to think shes disgusting or something like tachibana. tachibana. i am on my knees take all of satokos pain and suffering and give it to literally anybody else