#its a nice way to end the day
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There's something so oddly therapeutic about Badboyhalo's late night streams. At a time where everybody except for a few eggs are sleeping- no player except him is logged on to the server, so there is less conflict and less danger. It feels therapeutic in a way that he can just talk about whatever topic he wants and it's ok because there is no greater conflict or lore that is going on. I find that it's a very comfortable and chill space because no tasks need to be done, no people to talk to (except the eggs), no chaos ensues; it's like winding down at the end of the day.
I always love hearing Bad tell random stories, and by random- I mean, completely RANDOM, but the way he tells them offers so much insight and is just thought provoking at times.
The only problem is because it's so late at night for me, I end up falling asleep in the middle of him talking about something and waking up to either him ending the stream or his stream already ended and I know I probably missed some stories or discussions, but I don't want to go back and watch the vod in the morning because there is something so special about watching these late night conversations at night. Idk, to me they're a bit like lullabies I guess?
Anyways sorry for the incoherence, just wanted to share some appreciation for Bad. I love coming back to his stream after everyone else left for the night and listening to him talk like it's a podcast lmao.
#qsmp#it's very comforting after a day of excitement#esp after lore#its a nice way to end the day#the minecraft ambience certainly helps tok#all thats missing is some background lofi chill beats music lmao#badboyhalo qsmp#badboyhalo
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Okay I’m going to say it, some of y’all treat the KOTLC tag like it’s a tumblr community instead of an organization system that gathers together everything people post and tag as KOTLC
#unless something has absolutely nothing to do with kotlc#no one is in their right to tell you to not tag something at kotlc. just so you know.#you can’t clog up a tag. that’s not a THING#no one talks about this in bigger fandoms. we only have this problem bc it’s a small fandom and people are used to going to the tag#to find the content they want#and if they aren’t finding the content they want too bad so sad.#like I’m not saying you can just tag whatever as kotlc#but if it’s about kotlc in any way. you are well within your right to tag it as such.#Im ALL FOR properly tagging. like don’t improperly tag. that’s just mean#and that DOES interrupt tags :/#but there’s no way for you to post too much about any one topic#the kotlc tag is NOT a curated space. it’s not a place of all these assorted kotlc posts in similar formats#it’s a space for everything tagged as kotlc#so unless you look at the post and are like ‘this doesn’t even mention kotlc or any of its characters???’#you can scroll along your merry way!#kotlc#it’s something that’s come up in both the right and wrong contexts#during tam cam people told ppl talking about just the identity stuff to keep it out of the kotlc tag and that was CORRECT bc that wasn’t#about kotlc. but also during tam cam people put in my ask box that there were too many tam cam meme posts and that they were clogging up#the tag. to which I say A) I was only making like a quarter of those and B) those have to do with kotlc so you can suck it up! in the end I#didn’t respond. but yeah. i get that there’s a time and place for us to be like hey that doesn’t belong here#but whether or not something belongs in the tag has NOTHING to do with how much you want to see it or how many posts are being made about it#thank you and have a nice day. and if you want a curated space of similarly formatted kotlc posts you should make a community#Ik our tag often functions like one bc we are a small fandom. but we are NOT entitled to that.
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ZHEZHIS COMPANION STORY ???
THE SHOUJO FILTER + SONG CHANGE WITH ROVER HERE LIKE HELLO IM SOBBING (i get it tho zhezhi, i really do)
this cinematic... ourgh....
AND THEN THIS CUTSCENE OHHHH
but also
kuro... i see u.... i also see u zhezhi.....
#wueueuewaaaaaa…#sobbing omg..#kuro let ur charas be happy in all stages of their life challenge 🧍♀️#BUT HELLO THE MUSIC AND STORY IN THIS COMPANION QUEST OHHHHHHHGHGFH#zhezhi... holds u gently.... oh gosh......#honestly ended up liking her character way more than i thought i would?? smth smth prodigy used by family for own gain and losing interest#in said talent but still supportive and involved with area only to rediscover love for the talent once more#man... the animatic in particular hit me#but actually the paint-like style they used in the animatic???? that was so nice and fitting and i hope they do more of that#anywho all available companion quests not story locked now complete which means i can focus on the main story act 7+ hehe#well. another day bc its 11pm and i have classes tmrw... and wednesday...#but not thursday !! so probably genshin update + start wuwa act7 then#anywho gn everyone <33 will probably answer asks on the train tmrw !!
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can ppl in this fandom like... stop... implying that transmasculinity in hcs or (especially) canon is shallow or misogynistic or even transmisogynistic on princible, like literally just by being prescent in someones mind or in the text. like that doesnt fuckin feel good. thats kind of really nasty to imply. if its not okay to say about other trans experiences, maybe dont say it about this one either. why is there a weird little exception here. yall KNOW how much that sucks to hear all day every day. what the fuck
#my t#idk how to tell the hs fandom that every piece of trans coding in roxy in hs1 can be read as transmasc too. like transfem and transmasc#at the same time from the EXACT same reasons. its almost like we all share experiences just by way of being trans. weird i know#its almost like being trans rlly truly highlights what it is to be human and how we are all in fact at the end of the day human together#i just want everyone to stop trying to 'poke holes' in other fans trans hcs FULL STOP across the board no matter who they are#or what the hc is. its needlessly hurtful and more often than not trips into real peoples dysphoria which then#makes the target more likely to lash out. so the person poking them abt it can do a ''SEE? THEYRE ALL MEAN ONE OF THEM#WAS MEAN TO ME JUST NOW'' routine. its so obviously a 'im not touching u!!!' playground maneuver like holy fuck grow up#if you wanna fight for transfem/me folks right to just exist random fans personal headcanons is not the fuckin time or place#the XY in roxys name could be read as her having been DMAB or it could be hussie having a long running giggle about him preordering#his own transmasculinity. roxys colour being pink could be bc shes a girl or it could be compcis!!!#roxys desperation for a bf is from loneliness in canon but its often read as her feeling like she needs one to be a real girl#it can ALSO be read as another aspect of him struggling with compcis and comphet esp w/ his fantasies abt being 'a mother'#yknow what i never fuckin see that rlly highlights the fact that this is just a shitty 'girls rule boys drool' thing? theres like. no#discussions on the potential of roxy being any kinda intersex. absolutely none. he could be mtftm for all you fuckin know#but oh yknow being mtftm is A Shallow Read so we cant have that. hs is only for girls didnt you know we need to terf- i mean turf#out every single instance of queer mascness bc its Evil in the text didnt you know#god help the fandoms word of god token trans boy dirk strider for 'choosing' his eternal misery while everyone else is enlightened#by way of transforming into a girl. bc we must place girlhood on an inhuman pedistal of perfection and niceness and joy and rainbows#like what IS this mahou shojo brand gender essentialism???? im fuckin sick of it#can we remember that girlhood isnt & wasnt safe or joyful for everyone & that that can translate into how we curate our fandom experiences
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I don't know how I'd ever convey this in art but. Thinking very deeply about how in boy king au, a very crucial part of characterization is that Seb is a wolf in sheep(or lamb more specifically)'s clothing and Fernando is a sheep in wolf's clothing.
Seb is very unassuming, very delicate, seemingly very vulnerable and malleable. But, deep down, he can be very ruthless. It's in the the way he hesitantly declares war, with a spark in his eye and a suppressed smirk. In the way he challenges someone to a card game or a horse race, proclaiming that he's not great, but winning every round and prancing around the room and mentioning it ad infinitum. The way he's able to instantly turn the tide in a debate in one fell swoop. By showing all his cards constantly and letting himself be vulnerable, he's making himself invulnerable. No one would ever consider him to be able to make big moves, so he wins every single time, because no one even thinks to expect it from him.
Fernando on the other hand, is constantly committed to having a looming presence and harsh reputation, but deep down, he's soft. He knows what happens to people when they're vulnerable, and he's not going to let himself be taken advantage of. The way he keeps a brave face when being informed of the marriage proposal, but goes back to his room and cries. The way he proclaims that he was always going to be the rightful ruler of Spain, but confides to Flavio that he never thought there was any real chance of it ever happening. The way he takes himself so seriously in public, but inside feels so giddy whenever he can make someone laugh. Everything to him always feels unstable and ready to crumble at any moment, and he's not willing to contribute to that by letting himself relax.
I think thats why it's very difficult for them to get along at first, because they have completely different approaches to how they carry themselves and make their way through life. Seb is confused at Fernando because he feels that he's very bland and overly serious at first, but truthfully he's not really seeing the actual Fernando. And Fernando finds Seb to be naive and easily taken advantage of, but that's because he's never seen Seb at his most cruel. Seb really loves when he eventually gets to see Fernando being vulnerable, and Fernando really admires and respects Seb when he sees him being serious. I think it just takes a while for them to show the other their full and complete selves, even the parts they can sometimes be ashamed of. There's this very compelling dichotomy in Seb laying out all his cards, but still being very difficult to read, and Fernando keeping his cards to his chest, but his intentions often being easily seen through.
#meanwhile everyone else: what is this weird fucked up mating ritual they are participating in#though i think its very interesting how their motivations differ#seb wants to lull people into a false sense of security(and also really just likes to be his complete unadulterated self)#and fernando is guarding himself because he doesn't want to get hurt#and i think seb convinces Fernando that its okay to be openly soft and yourself :) not eveyrone is out to get you#and fernando teaches seb hey maybe dont invite this obvious assassin to your chambers?????#i think seb also has insecurites but Fernando's are just more easy to explain bcs hes in a much more difficult situation#at the end of the day both of them are putting on facades in some way#(i think seb likes to be himself but also does feel really hurt when people dont think he has the capacity or ability to rule effectively)#(he likes to be kind and playful and doesnt want to obscure that part of himself. but hes aware it can hurt his image unfortunately)#also lol the way i characterize fernando is very historically accurate btw#bcs the spanish court tradition was basically to be above it all and be a lofty unobtainable figure if that makes sense#yknow having just this insane level of confidence and infallible image of yourself as the ruler#the guy seb is based on really bought into that idea but i dont think it really suits seb so yeah#seb I think is very much a unique figure that others have a lot of trouble reading him and his intentions. which is great!#AAAAAHHH MAN FELT REALLY GOOD TO WRITE ALL THAT OUT !!!!!!!!!#i love writing their characterization so fucking much you dont understand#its nice to put it in words like this bcs yknow i dont rly enjoy actual writing. but this i enjoy greatly#hope this is compelling to more than just me hahaha#boy king au#catie.rambling.txt#vettonso
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just to inquire, what’s your favorite thing you sell in your shop?
i love your comic!
Oh thank you!
And my favorite thing... That's hard to answer haha
I like selling prints because I get to use my nice printer (which I love to do) and I especially love selling custom panel prints, because then I get to see people's favorite panels from my comic, which is double nice...
The most fun items to pack are the merch bundles which are themed with my books, I LOVE coming up with packaging design like this so much...
But my favorite design has gotta be one of these... Probably the patch, there.
It's really hard for me to pick!
I actually genuinely just am really passionate about product design and merch themeing, it's not only extremely fun for me but it also just really engages my brain. I love coming up with items that fit a theme, and there's no theme I love more than my own comics haha
So there's not much I could enjoy more! That's why I chose to do a merch club on patreon, it lets me get out my merch-y feelings but without overloading my storefront... Plus it's just really fun for me! I get to experiment, make little packages, and enjoy making new things.
Thank you for asking!
#asks#anon#I like actually genuinely could rant about this all day#like no joke. I have#and I will again#I really really really love finding sort of the little nugget of marketable ideas in things#and then designs for merch...#I love designing things to fit a specific product type#like a patch design is WAYYYYY different than the concepts for a pin design#and keychains are way different from THAT#I think I might end up for the patrons doing something someday where I do a more intense package#only thing stopping me is uhhhhh#shipping costs. would be way more#like losing me money on the international people#but maybe at the end of the year I can do it for people who were patrons for 6+ months or something like that#that could be nice!#something I've been thinking about haha#clearly I think a lot. sorry LMAO#how do you write if not thinking all the fuckin time#but yeah I LOVE making merch#and I'm pretty proud of most of my stuff#there's a few things that I'm bummed about#like I accidentally made my ghost pin bigger than I wanted :(#so its like twice as big as I wanted#but it's ok. mean it still looks good its just big#stuff like that.#I am so picky HAHAHAH#oh I also of course like selling books but that doesnt really feel like... the same#theyre sort of on their own level.
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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Live footage of ur fave mod getting ready in a wedding dress below the cut /j:
#ikevamp#ikemen vampire#ikevamp comte#ikevamp saint germain#ikevamp mc#ikevamp perfect strangers event#ikevamp spoilers#when i tell yall every second of experiencing this felt like a fever dream#somebody up there in the sky/universe sure wanted me to have a nice day after working nonstop all weekend#ITS CHRISTMAS IN SEPTEMBER#ik he doesn't even say anything all that special but idk????? something about this warmed me through#it just felt so fond and sincere; like embellishments just weren't necessary#it was enough to be with her again#although in truth i will never be normal about him saying he misses her#AND WHO WOULDN'T MISS YOU GORGEOUS CMERE#the way i felt mc at the end just tackling him ME TOO QUEEN#comte: someone's impatient~#MC: I DID MY WAITING. THREE YEARS OF IT. IN A Z K A B A N#also i just felt like clowning with that addition at the end alkdghldhgfkfdshjg#me and stoic ass mc like: >:| 💍💜#comte propaganda#fangdad propaganda
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Tagged by @soyouwinagain to post 6 photos from my camera roll in the past week, thank you comrade, I was hoping someone would tag me 🫡🫡 except then I had to go back a couple weeks otherwise all six photos would have been my dog at a cocktail garden.
Ivan Fedotov and Erik Johnson at Flyers training camp, Fedotov in full Russian saint mode; a flower outside of an Indian restaurant; Yankees outfielders running away from each other and I'm so mad I only got them running back to position bc they were being SO cute while a reliever was warming up; Keats at the aforementioned cocktail garden, he was sweatin'; giant rotting boat outside of Ikea; boxes containing all of my earthly possessions.
#having a good day 😭 went to rittenhouse to hang with sierra while they did work then went to a flyers rally and got free stuff#heroically refrained from asking flyers reporters about danny briere's plan for eetu mäkiniemi during the q&a#took the bus all by myself!!!! an actualy achievement lol i'm so scared of buses and i was so worried i would end up in like delaware#but i did not i ended up at my house#so now i feel much more confident about taking the bus..exposure therapy LMAO#went to a pizza place near me i have not been too and it FUCKS#my new favorite thing to do rn is if i can eat anything on the menu and its super slow in the restaurant is to ask#what the cashier or server recommends. way better than if i were just panicking and ordered cheese pizza#i need to start unpacking my art supplies and bathe my dog but overall...VERY good day so far#if the padres and the phillies pull through we'll be in good shape#OH!!!! AND EVERYONE BEING SO SO BRAVE FOR TEAM LIFT FEST!!!#ME N MAX ARE SOOOO PROUD OF EVERYONE AND I'M SOOOO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT THE NEXT TWO WEEKS BRINGS!!!!#i've been having some frustrations with myself bc there was a lot of stuff i should have scaled down and didn't#and my ethos running this w max is way different than fth but none of the sign up materials reflect that#which i'm frustrated with myself for not thinking through more carefully and conscientiously#even tho going into this we knew so much of the fest was going to be us throwing puddy at the wall and seeing what sticks#but i have been frustrated with myself for not thinking through how materials like the sign up form don't reflect the like spirit of how we#wanted to run it#so it's really nice to see that people are being really brave and getting excited for each other and getting excited for what's#being offered#i'm sooooo excited!!!!!!!!!#ok i'm done lol i have to finish this soda and face the disaster that is how i packed my art supplies#when i can do art again. know.#fresno oilers.txt
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the more i think abt goldica the more i like it
#mine#like yes i get it theyre boring straight people booo but hear me out .#the fact chica is goldens main motivation for joining the animatronics triggering his whole arc?#the fact chia is the beakon of what golden wants? a good person who will love hil wothout asking anything in return?#and their first meeting perfectly encamsulates that? when golden is feeling miserable and as lonely as ever and she comes in out of nowhere#and does a nice act for him without getting anything in return?#and he follows her wherever she leads after that because he truly believes no one else would love him like that?#and the way he loves her strange quirks that have pushed people away bc his loyalty to her is unshakable?#and it just adds to her being different from all the people who have claimed to love him but ended up using him?#and how she sees golden not sjowing up for practice as a betrayal because she trusted him and at the end of the day#it was chica who created the band and hisbloyalty to her should also be to the band? so him flaking on the band is flaking on her?#and the way neither of them want to show their weak moments? the way they never speak of what haunts them? and that is effectively what#makes their relationship fall apart? even thougj they lobe wach othee deeply? because they simoly cant be vulnerable and honest?#because they dont want to be weak in front of the othee?#can anyone hear me#im going insane#ive been planning an analyisis of goldica but i havent gotten around to rewatching the series to make it#and its driving me crazy i think#fnafhs
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inspired by @hakucho-art ‘s vampire enemies to lovers au heheh, and her art. (I can’t get over touka’s design it’s so cool. @/harleyquilt is so big brained for the design FR. )
#tokyo ghoul#touken#kanetou#hehehehhe this was SO fun to draw#it’s so nice seeing the end result after the painstakingly long (loving) procress behind the scenes#it went through so much! it improved so much from the first drafts! im such a proud mom!#and I have… learned so many things from drawing this.#as to draw the whole thing and compose FIRST before heading rn in and being so impatient#because it’s gonna bite me back in the ass#as in: the reason help Kaneki is drawn in a v diff style#but I guess it also adds tho.#im so in with the touka fr. vamp teeth. blood. angy. what MORE can u have#I peaked there#I have lil context for the scene but cba to go into it JFJJFKFK#also yes I did Give Up on this drawing JFJFJFJJFJDJDN#but it IS complete in its own way<3333#I love it so much ahhhhhh#YOU KNOW WHAT. after looking at this days after rn. it does not as bad as I thought#heh<3 🥰
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My house doesn't really feel cosy and that makes me sad, like I wish I had a delicate bedroom that I had the space for a TV and things so I could have the most cosy movie mights or play games in bed whenever I wanted to. You know some people's houses you walk into and they just fell airy and cosy? I want that
#people tell me my house has a nice vibe but its doesnt always feel like that to me#would help if i didnt work out of my bedroom and i could just shut the door on my work space at the end of a day#maybe i just need a lil night away break to myself again to feel refreshed#i spend way too much time in the house im probably just sick of looking at the same four walls 😅
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random picture dump :)
#cat update: theyre good#clancy update: he just ate roast chicken so hes also good#jess update: Im good#im happier rn than anytime since 2020 i think#still up and down but way less up and down- if that makes sense?#its nice its good- its autumn now and i always look forward to winter#suffice to say: i hope you guys are well too#i saw in an email i have messages on discord but last time i attempted to log in it wouldnt allow me so... if you msged there and i never#responded its bc i cant get in to respond and tbh#i think discord was maybe terrible for my mental health#which is a little sad bc that was the main way i talked to people but also... idk#jury is currently out on that front we'll see maybe i'll download it again#but regardless i miss you but im well and i hope youre well and i hope one day coming back wont feel so daunting#relationships are hard arent they? i hate things changing and ending more than anything else in the world#side effect of my dad dying when i was little i think#but the main thing thats been making me feel guilty and uneasy lately is feeling guilt about disappearing from people so again!#im trying and we'll see !#yeah :)
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Say hi to my new child.
#salad-txt#repotted my office plants in the 10 min of sunshine I got#took this one from the bigger one when repotting hope it'll take to its own pot <3#now there are 2 more spider plants in nice white pots and idk if i wanna snatch them#technically they're not mine they're offshoots a coworker put into two empty pots i had here#and like. they're spider plants. I am drowning in offshoots at home.#but also black pot white pot black pot white pot looks nice but I don't have a third white pot for my own spider plant XD#HashtagStuckAtOfficeOnSaturdayProblems#oh and all 3 aloe vera i found in the trash on my way to work one day which is how they ended up here.
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word vomit anon back!!!
pirate majima game is funny...watching people complain abt rgg ruining majima is super funny because he's been a silly guy for like 7 games and a serious guy in one...can he not be silly again...just once more??? (also im sure this game is gonna be emotional in some way shape or form) also k3 heads stay in line yokoyama said it was coming one day he never said soon lol
'k3 heads stay in line' PLEAAASSEE VJLKEALKJ youre right tho i cant lie ....
on the real though yeah no like. majima can be serious at times but generally he's a zany guy, it'd be illegal not to capitalize on that in SOME regard
#snap chats#HI WVA WELCOME BAAAACCCCK#but yeah that isnt to say you cant love a silly character and the serious aspects of them ofc#it just shouldnt be unrealistic that theyd want to be a lil funny with him when thats a big part of his appeal#and rgg always has a way of sneaking in emotion into its games anyhow so theres surely gonna be somethin#my bestie's bet is that makoto's gonna be the real treasure majima finds in the end </3 and he wont even remember her this is so sad </3#id probably kms ill be tbh so im glad thats not gonna happen !!!!!#total topic pivot time cause i had the funniest interaction with my grandma's minister#he was visitin and we were alone in the kitchen and hes like 'has anyone told you you looked like the actress from beauty and the beast'#and i was like 'no no ones ever said that to me actually !!!" i think he was referring to sonoya mizuno thats the only one i could guess#but yeah he was just like 'can i get a picture with you my daughter loves beauty and the beast'#like chief im not sonoya mizuno but fuck it sure hwy not. ive always wondered what its like being a celebrity vajelkjal#funny day my fridays turning out to be i tell you that#anyway i say all this cause i think he had like shea butter hand lotion cause now my hands just smell like damn lotion#it distracting .. its a nice smell but still bruh my hands did not smell like thsi before they smelled like LAVENDER#ive met him only once before and when i did he told me i had a strong handshake and now this is the price i pay. shea butter hands
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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