#itachi: well clearly it's not fucking doing that now is it

[evilkitten3]

au where after shisui rips his eye out, stuffs it in a crow, and steps off the cliff, itachi instinctively uses the shunshin to catch him. now they're both alive and nobody has a mangekyou except danzou so they have to like actually deal with their problems and shit

[cherubfae]

𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 𝔯𝔦𝔳𝔞𝔩 || {𝔞𝔨𝔞𝔱𝔰𝔲𝔨𝔦}

They're now realizing what a mistake it was to introduce you to the group, now they have competition with their own teammate.

tags: former ninja!reader, gn! civilian reader, established relationships, threats, violence, protective!akatsuki, slightly suggestive in Sasori's || MINORS DONT INTERACT

Pain

He knows that Konan is harmless and she's not the sort of disrespectful person to go sniffing about where she doesn't belong, especially where he and his partner are concerned. Pain, however, cannot tolerate the lingering touches Konan gives you as she passes by. Her hand brushing yours, guiding you with an arm around your shoulders, and blushing at you. He feels a warning is warranted.

"You are my dear friend, Konan, I have known you many years, but this simply won't do. You are better than how you are acting. Be respectful and leave them alone, and I won't need to inflict pain upon you."

Konan

Oh, well isn't this troublesome. Konan isn't the type to make idle threats, but Pain is her commander and leader. That would not be a wise decision on her part, but she does trust her long-time friend to be somewhat respectful and not place you in any situation where you would be uncomfortable. She's not above putting her foot down if she really must.

"Sir, with all due respect, my partner isn't interested and we would both appreciate you to mind your manners."

Obito

You are his everything. He would destroy the entire world for you. Level mountains, tame seas, there isn't anything he wouldn't do as long as it's within his power. He's pretty surprised that Zetsu even took a liking to you, as he's not one that's expressed interest in most anything other than his eating habits.

"Surely Zetsu is mistaken. My partner isn't a corpse for you to munch on you, nor are they yours for the taking. Keep your distance and I won't have to bloody you up too much."

Zetsu

As with anything, both sides of him are at a near constant quarrel with each other. His light side trying to reassure his darker side that Tobi is harmless and doesn't mean anything malicious by taking interest in you.

"Tobi is a good boy, he means no harm." "His harm is his unwarranted interest in our beloved partner. Fool! You have no sense, do you?"

Hidan

Honestly he could laugh so hard he may undo the stitches in his neck. That old fucker wants his partner?? Is he actually serious?

"Haha! That's fucking rich! You've gotta be at least one-hundred by now, huh? Fuck off, geezer! They're not yours!"

Kakuzu

Clearly decapitating Hidan over and over doesn't make him talk any less. Neither does stabbing him-- but it sure does take the edge off. Kakuzu would rather not deal with the younger man's insufferable stubbornness. You are his lover, his alone, and Hidan had no chance in whatever the fuck kind of afterlife his mighty lord Jashin provides. None. Fuck off, Hidan.

"As if they'd want someone as lowly as you. You don't even pay for your own shit. Remember your place or I won't hesitate to remove you from this world permanently. One swipe and your head will be freed from your miserable shoulders. I'm sure all sorts of insects would love to burrow inside of that hollow space."

Itachi

For a moment he's reminded of Sasuke's little schoolboy crush on you, except Kisame isn't Sasuke. He is a grown adult capable of getting in the way of Itachi's livelihood. Threatening the sanctity of his relationship. He's unlikely to do much other than step in if he crosses any boundaries or makes you uncomfortable. So until something is said, it's just this weird, heavy atmosphere. Kisame starts to speak but Itachi cuts him off immediately.

"Keep their name out of your mouth, Kisame. I won't warn you again."

Kisame

Oftentimes he wonders how lonely Itachi is. He annihilated his entire clan save for his younger brother in a single night. He took away everything he loved and for what? He can appreciate Itachi's past but Kisame doesn't take too kindly to the eldest Uchiha brother being a bit too welcoming and protective of his partner.

"Itachi, a word of advice. Don't shit where you eat. And keep your nose out of other's relationships. You're a good, respectable man and I appreciate your concern in my partner's well-being. Let me handle it from here."

Sasori

There's still the age-old artistic view difference between the two: eternal art vs shortlived art. One could argue both have their merits, but even after all these years it was a sore subject between the blonde and redhead duo. And now you were thrown into the mix.

"If you truly think you're so superior to me, Deidara, then perhaps you'd be more open to what a waste your art truly is. My partner prefers eternal, long-lasting, but there's nothing long nor lasting about, is there?"

Deidara

This was great. Jusssst great. Sasori had been hanging around his area of the hideout more and for what, Deidara wasn't sure. Until he recalled that you had been given special permission to visit from Pain himself. You'd forsaken your village long ago and clearly had no interest in reporting them, so it was allowed. Sasori had begun skulking about ever since and the blonde could guess why he might be drawn to you.

"If you even think about turning my partner into a fuckin' puppet, I won't hesitate to kill you, Sasori. No matter which way I go about it, you'll end up in splinters. So, I repeat. Stay the fuck away from them, hmm."

|| ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʀᴇᴘᴏꜱᴛ, ʀᴇᴜꜱᴇ, ᴏʀ ᴇᴅɪᴛ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋꜱ ɪɴ ᴀɴʏ ᴡᴀʏ! ɪ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴍɪꜱꜱɪᴏɴ. ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ꜱɪᴛᴇ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ɪ ᴘᴏꜱᴛ. ᴀʟʟ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀꜱ ʙᴇʟᴏɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ʀɪɢʜᴛꜰᴜʟ ᴏᴡɴᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ʙᴇʟᴏɴɢꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ © ᴄʜᴇʀᴜʙꜰᴀᴇ 2024 ||

[doveywovy]

tobiizu modern au in which the uchiha are a wealthy family that vacations every summer at a family beachhouse on a (Relatively) small island- and Tobirama drives the water taxi they hire to take them out to it every year.

the first time it happens, they're both only about 16. Izuna immediately hates it- and hates tobirama- because it makes him feel childish. Here he is, out on vacation with his family (lame) to go play in the sand (lame!) and maybe play in the waves (SOOOO lame, totally childish). and heres this teen the same age as him, not just spending the summer break working but specifically working alone, doing a difficult and responsible job like driving a boat! Izuna takes this as a personal affront to his manhood and spends the whole ride there and the whole ride back being absolutely insufferable to Tobirama and the rest of the family.

he spends the next summer working his own summer job (But something much fancier, like interning somewhere impressive) and the summer after that he spends at an intense sports camp. So the next time they see eachother, Izuna's 19 and- okay, well, he hasn't really matured. but his stance has changed to the viewpoint that HE'S clearly the winner here. Here he is, out on vacation with his family (Wealthy and impressive) to go relax in the sand (so wealthy and mature) and maybe swim in the waves (sooooo cool, totally mature and adult). Meanwhile Tobirama has to spend his summer working in a dingey boat serving the Uchiha and family like them! Since Izuna's won the competition they totally had going on, he can afford to be nicer to Tobirama. especially since hormones have kicked in and tobirama is unbearably fucking attractive to izuna. He spends the whole vacation having ridiculous daydreams about them running away together (fucking on the boat) living a life at sea together (fucking on a boat) and him showing off his better lifestyle to Tobirama (fucking on the beach.) He does exactly nothing about any of this except being mildly more polite to tobirama for the 47 total minutes they spend interacting.

The next three summers, however, he gets proactive. The Uchiha are a big family with a ton of stuff they need, and they always run through it quickly or realize they forgot something after they left. Someone has to go back to the mainland and get The Only Cereal Kagami Will Eat, or Shishui's Special Sunscreen (he has allergies to the rest), etc etc. In past years it's been one of the odd aunts or uncles, but now Izuna's taken it up as his personal mantel.

If anyone needs anything from the mainland, of course Izuna will make the trip out! No need to worry! He'll call up Tobirama's company and have the ride out within the hour, and he'll be back two hours after that. Sometimes he runs right out without bothering to change- Mikoto needs fresh lettuce for the dinner salad, there's no time for him to change out of his trunks or put a shirt on! Everyone's glad he's willing to make the sacrifice for the family, nobody wants to do it themselves- and so nobody points out that unlike past triptakers, Izuna never double checks if anyone else needs anything before he goes. It means he has to make a lot more trips, individual ones for Sasuke's fresh tomatoes and Itachi's eyecream and Obito's glasses cleaner, instead of all at once like he could if he just asked before going. But they're a wealthy family, they can afford it, and he's getting it all in the end, isn't he?

Now that izuna's upped his time with Tobirama from 24-ish minutes to the island and 24-ish minutes back home (shared with his entire family), to around an hour one-on-one every other day the entire two months he's out there...things change.

For one, the crush gets more genuine. He's talking to Tobirama constantly and gets to know him as a person and unfortunately he really likes him as a person. The fantasies get more focused on getting to actually date Tobirama in a normal person way, not whisking a mermaid tobirama off for beach-sex.

Tobirama, meanwhile, is finally starting to like this guy. He hasn't thought about izuna nearly as much as Izuna's thought about him. He hated him as a teen for being annoying and bratty, thought he was hot and annoying a few years ago, and now he's a nice sociable guy who lets him talk about boats for twenty minutes straight. Who's extremely hot and constantly shirtless, for some reason? Which Tobirama's not mad at.

so- izuna's fumbling his way towards something, but cautious not to fuck it up because he genuinely wants something serious with Tobirama and that makes him much more worried about ruining it. and then one day madara- well, the thing is.

To madara, izuna will always be somewhat five years old. He can't imagine him any other way. So he assumes, when Izuna constantly spends his summer vacations on the water taxi with tobirama- he doesn't consider it could be about tobirama. He thinks it's about the boat! Especially since Izuna can hold full conversations about boats with people now (Because of his conversations with tobirama about them, but Madara doesn't know that) and takes photos of boats (For tobirama)....All of this to say, Madara decides Izuna must want a boat.

So madara offers to help him buy one. Nothing too fancy (to the Uchiha perspective), but something nice.

Izuna immediately remembers the conversations he's had with Tobirama about his dream boat. He remembers his ridiculous fantasies at 18 years old about whisking Tobirama away for a life on the open sea. and he imagines, for half a second, trying to explain to madara that he doesn't want a boat despite seeming to be obsessed with them because he's obsessed with a guy instead. He is not having that conversation.

He's buying a boat. He's buying Tobirama a boat. Then he just....has to figure out how to give it to him.

[ladykissingfish]

*Kisame, sitting behind Itachi, attempting to braid his hair*

Kisame: I don’t think I’ll ever get over how soft your hair is. How silky, how smooth. It’s really just —

Itachi: Kisame … do you want to have sex with me?

Kisame, turning red and dropping his hands from Itachi’s hair: W-what — !

Itachi, turning to face him: It’s just, I feel so bad. I almost feel like … like I’m teasing you. We hug and we kiss and we share a bed but we’ve never done that. Sometimes I feel like you really want to, and I feel like I’m depriving you of that.

Kisame: Itachi. Surely you remember that talk we had way back at the beginning, when you told me that you’d tried sex in your anbu days and afterwards felt so bad that you cried for three days?

Itachi: Yes, but, I’m older now. I clearly wasn’t emotionally ready back then, and that experience wasn’t with someone I loved, the way I love you. It’s not fair to you to keep you waiting so long. So I think that —

Kisame: *takes Itachi’s hands and kisses each one gently*

Kisame: It’s truly remarkable that even with that sharingan of yours, you fail to see things clearly. I’m very, very much in love with you. You mean more to me than anything. Sex does not have to be a part of our relationship for it to be any more meaningful than it is right now.

Itachi: But —

Kisame: If you wish to try sex again one day, for your own desires, I will be happy to take that step with you. But this way? Doing it because you think it’s something you owe me? No. That’s wrong. I’ve never been happier than I am than when I’m with you. Nothing will change that. Okay?

Itachi: *puts both arms around Kisame and hugs him tightly* Okay. Thank you, Kisame. And for what it’s worth … *blushes* I’m very much in love with you, too.

Kisame: *smiles and pats Itachi’s back* And that’s the biggest honor of my life. *pulls back and chuckles* Besides, if we were doing that, I doubt we’d get along as well as we do now.

Itachi: What do you —

*from down the hall*

Kakuzu: Get up, idiot. Those sheets need to go in the washer!

Hidan: For fucks sake, relax, old man! Can’t this shit wait until tomorrow?!

Kakuzu: With your sweat and … other fluids, all over them? No! *the sound of Kakuzu pulling the sheets out from under Hidan, and Hidan rolling against the wall* So move!

Hidan: You bastard, whose fault is it that I got your precious sheets dirty?! Did I do this to myself? No! It’s your fault! So shut the fuck up about it!

Kakuzu: You damned brat, you — *they continue to loudly argue as Kakuzu hauls the bedspread to the washing machine*

Itachi, to Kisame: … I see your point.

[uh-oh-its-bird]

Part 4 of 4 of dumb fic ideas that I found buried in my notes app

Sasuke Uchiha's 10 step plan to get revenge"

Someone once said that the best revenge is living well. Sasuke maybe takes this a bit too seriously.

Or, Sasuke decides that the best possible revenge on Itachi he can get is to "live a good life." Which includes but is not limited to; starting a "happy family," learning to bake, going to therapy and dragging the entirety of Kohona into a better tomorrow. Take that Itachi.

Super cracky fic where Sasuke basically makes a bucket list of stereotypical things a housewife or outdated grandparent might point to in order to say you lived a good life

On a bit of a stupid cracky baby marriage kick so kind of thinking Sasuke decides he needs to get married and start a family. But girls are annoying and loud and dumb so he'll just choose one of the boys instead. He starts aggressively knocking on some of his classmates doors like *You. Do you want to get married.* (he gets the door shut in his face multiple times)

Sasunaru is the obvious choice but I'm lowkey leaning towards shikasasu? Just bc I like rarepairs and shikamaru, and I can see Sasuke singling him out bc he's quiet, from a good clan, and is one of the only people in class who can be fucking normal around him for more than 5 minutes at a time. Clearly husband material!

It'd be funny if Naruto actually did approach him like "so I hear ur,, looking to get married,,,, or whatever,,,,,, whiCH IS DUMB AND I BET NO ONE WOULD EVEN WANT TO GET MARRIED TO YOU SO YOU SHOULD JUST MARRY ME ACTUALLY!!!!!"

Sasuke turns him down because his housewife guide to living a good life says he needs to marry someone who can support him and Naruto is a clanless orphan

Naruto is very offended and goes on a quest to prove he's totally good husband material and can for sure support Sasuke!!!

Meanwhile Shikamaru has been dodging Sasuke's attempts to talk to him like the fucking plague

Shikamaru is using Naruto as a shield, they are all running circles around each other and the teachers are placing bets on who's going to win and how long this idiocy is going to last

Endgame Shikanarusasu would be objectively the funniest choice actually

The girls in class all want both of the boys dead I think Sakura and Ino both are plotting actual murders. Sakura gets over being a shy girl early out of pure outrage and there may be a duel to the death or two for "Sasuke's honor" (Sasuke wants out of here so bad)

Maybe Sakura starts on Sasuke about how he cant get married to a boy because thatd make him a WIFE and he cant be a wife because hes a boy or smthn. Which is dumb and Sasuke decides he meant to be a husband but you know what?? Fuck you maybe he WILL be a wife. Which ends up turning into a Sasuke vs Sakura rivalry over who can be the best potential wife, which also speeds up Sakura's character development bc that girl needs some of it

Sakura is grabbing Ino like "well if YOUR husband is going to be a BOY then MINE will be a GIRL" and now its a really passive aggressive local lesbians vs not actually together homo trio. They are terrifying and their idea of what marriage is supposed to look like is all based off of what your average 10 year old would assume its supposed to look like

wlw / mlm hostility fr

Somewhere off in the distance Itachi is getting his Sasuke updates from his birds + Sarutobi and just. "My brother is WHAT."

[mixelation]

i've been debating what to do with deidara in reborn au, because i need to give him more but also i don't want to just repeat beats from homemade dynamite

so i was thinking: well, obviously he's doing something with art. and in homemade dynamite, his thing with art is that he's trying to carve his way to true artistic freedom. being a missing-nin means people will always be trying to hunt him down, but being in konoha means he has to dodge around rules and limitations. so his deal with itachi is that itachi will help him leave konoha in a legit way where he's not constantly fighting off hunter-nin, but until then he's trying to figure out what he can do within the village. i could totally give him the exact same goal in mutagenicity, and i don't really have anything against rehashing the same plots/headcanons (look at my 17 AUs about genin karin being kidnapped for her own good), but this doesn't really appeal to me.

then i thought: what if it' the opposite? what if deidara is like, "i want to experiment with a technique that will blow up a whole village" and minato is like, "rad, give me a couple days to find you a space. what do you need?" deidara blows up a bandit's head and kushina tells him she likes his art. they both go :/ at him when he damages village property but then their reactions are "oh, so you need a better outlet.... here, i can find you a mission--"

i think this would actually drive deidara insane in a way he wouldn't even know how to recognize. tori gets paranoid about having supportive mentors because in her past "sudden interest from the boss" means "boss might vivisect you" or "boss might decide you know too much and should die/do something insane." deidara just straight up doesn't know what to do with support. his art (in this au) was crafted as very reactionary-- his interest is in ripping apart the status quo and showing people nothing can last forever and they don't have as much control over deidara the world as they think. it's about disrupting structures and authority. what the FUCK is he supposed to do with actual support???

but also i don't think deidara has fully recognized his antiauthoritarianism as a motivator in his art because he's never been in a situation where it was absent. so when he suddenly doesn't have real issues with the biggest authorities in his life, he losses inspiration, and he doesn't know why.

and then he thinks about leaving konoha because clearly something about it is fucking with his head but, actually, kushina fills out forms to get him free clay and lets him pick missions where he gets to blow stuff up and minato lets him have a training ground to do whatever he wants, and he has his own bed and isn't living as a feral forest child, and he would be insane to leave.

so maybe we DO let tori have a C-rank go wrong because sasori interferes and she comes home and tells deidara about it and he loses his mind. he wants to see sasori because he needs another artist. he needs advice. how fucking dare sasori go after tori.

tori, trying to de-escalate: well i think he only talked to me because i was at the border and there was only one other person with me. it was just more convenient

deidara: YOU'RE NOT EVEN AN ARTIST

anyway maybe we then KEEP team 4 having a c rank go hilariously wrong because deidara gets a whiff sasori is in the area and runs off. other things go wrong that don't have anything to do with sasori but because deidara has involved him, the things are now also going wrong AT sasori

sasori: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

deidara: DANNAAAAA I'M HAVING AN ART BLOOOOOCK

and sasori tells him he's stupid and immature and deidara from then forward has to do some serious Self Reflection to figure out his ~art~. and he keeps looking up sasori even though sasori toLD HIM TO LEAVE HIM ALONE

kushina post mission: yeah wheat village tried to make a move for the sharingan but we managed it. sasori of the red sand was.... there....? idek he didn't really help but also he didn't NOT help

minato: what the hell is wheat village

kushina: doesn't matter because it doesn't exist anymore

also im playing with the idea of a deidara-minato vaguely student-mentor relationship (not for technique stuff, per se, but life/career stuff) because Jokes About Being His Bastard Son and also i like the idea of iwa's boogeyman helping iwa's #1 missing-nin

[immoralimmortals]

Akatsuki Member Songs and Headcanons Part 2

I told you I could do this post over again with new songs! Some of the associations are more based on headcanon than others. The songs are linked in the headers. Hope you enjoy!

Hidan: BlackBoxWarrior - OKULTRA by Will Wood

This song...is definitely about someone who cannot die. Whats more: it is also definitely someone who has a strange relationship with pain and suffering. Hidan in canon so very clearly dislikes being in pain if he is not in his ritual form. Simultaneously, he says he'd love if someone managed to kill him. (I know he may be sarcastic but imagine the possibilities if he's not!) He's a gratuitous man of contradictions and confidence, and I think this song carries it well. Throughout are mentioned symbols of health and longevity in grotesque situations. You KNOW this man's body is fucked up, both by his hand and others. I want to cut him open and study him like an anatomical doll. The whole "interview" in the middle is me eventually grabbing him by the collar and going what the hell is fucking wrong with you! How can a severed head breathe and talk!

I've also heard that WW wrote this as a test to himself to get as many words in a normal length song as possible. It suits how much Hidan fucking talks. I also think it's a nice nod to the fact that he quite obviously introspects and thinks *a lot* despite being portrayed as headstrong and stupid.

Notable lyrics:

And through flight-or-fight revelation shame the Black Box Warrior He skipped this town and headed straight down history

His ego a mosquito, evil incarnate good incognito

For what? For what? For what it's worth If it was going to kill you boy, it would have by now For what? For what? For what it's worth There's no more looking back, it's looking up or looking down

He wondered if Christ Consciousness would charge a cancellation fee Auf wiedersehn, au revoir, he gripped his wits right by their ends

A bloody knife to split your infrastructure, wine to rev your motor function Coital machinations of the dead Well, you mainline your animus, karate chop your abacus And learn to be an animal instead

You've lost your mind and almost lost your life before So you'll be fine

Sasori: Thumbnail by Louie Zong and Brian David Gilbert

Something I've mulled over a long time is how the contradiction of how a man who prefers things to be long-lasting can also be so impatient. My interpretation so far is that this implies some level of anxiety; he wants things to last if they are comfortable for him to exist. That's why he doesn't mind his fight with Kankuro taking longer, despite just bashing Deidara for playing around. I think l, in perhaps the kindest way I can, that he is both shallow and more sensitive than he'll ever admit.

This is a song about wanting interactions condensed. If you tell me something bad, get it over with. But also, I don't know how to give you more than what I have. He's insecure about what he emotionally brings to the table, im sure. I figure that's a big reason he's destroying his humanity down to the core.

Notable lyrics:

Keep it quick, say it brief If it's fast, it will be a relief Short on time, that's a gift Count your seconds, and they'll catch the drift

Don't like what's revealed here When your depth of field's near, it's hard to come close Chip stones from the boulder Suddenly, my vulnerability shows Oh, you can crop and trim, 'till all that's left Is the essence of a presence that is feeling bereft Avant-garde, just the gist of a tale That is less of an image, and more of a thumbnail

How novel is a novel that can fit on one sheet It seems that I'm destined to fail To compress myself to the size of a thumbnail

Itachi: Blood on My Name by The Brothers Bright

Need I say more? Lots of individual lines that match up with his circumstances, especially his imminent death and the bodies he unfortunately racked up. And...of course...the Uchiha name is bloody as hell. His fate is inevitable, it is in stone and he is dragging his corpse to the finish line.

Notable lyrics:

When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you With the hounds of hell comin' after you I've got blood And I've got blood on my name

When the fires, when the fires are consuming you And your sacred stars won't be guiding you

Can't you see I'm sorry? I will make it worth your while Made of dead man's money You can see it in my smile Oh, Lazarus, how did your debts get paid? Oh, Lazarus, were you so afraid?

It won't be long, 'til I'm dead and gone Watch the fires rise, burn through my skin Down to the bone, scorchin' my soul

Konan: Saturn by Sleeping at Last

As tragic as life is, Konan is defined by her hope. This song references how others have come around time after time to help her see the light. This is a song that gets me emotional. It is slow, lingering, and forces you to drink it all in, every star and sorrow alike.

Notable lyrics: its literally the whole song so here's one verse

You taught me the courage of stars before you left How light carries on endlessly, even after death With shortness of breath You explained the infinite And how rare and beautiful it is to even exist

Deidara: Boss by The Correspondents

This man HATES his fucking job! He was just out there, vibing, and was forced to be an Akatsuki and remains more or less to exact revenge on an idea (that the Sharingan is perfect art). Petty bitch! But he kind of has a point, at least with the being forced to be Akatsuki part.

Notable lyrics:

I would love for this to not be an issue I would love to just laugh in your face But I'm finding it hard to dismiss you When you're the one running the place

We didn't ask for you to lead us We didn't want you to be boss You have done nothing but deceive us And it exacerbates our goals

Kakuzu: Six Feet by Patent Pending

This song is nearly perfect for my headcanons about him. The world is harsh, you must do as you must. He takes no joy in it. His ability to understand you or not does not affect your situation or relationship as shibobi. It is going to be what it is regardless. We are going to work until we die.

Notable lyrics:

When you hear that whistle blow, only the weakest go home Like their pain don't put food on their plate

You're keeping up, I see Well, it's a big world and it's only getting bigger And if you wanna be the best then you've gotta beat the best

Ain't nobody coming when you make the call 'Cause every man gunnin' for the first to fall Fill that bucket 'til the well runs dry It's left, right, left, 'til the day you die

Zetsu: Stalker's Tango by Autoheart

GREAT song if you want one for a ship with him. Describes over the course of its verses the increasing invasiveness and intensity of a stalker's relationship with the listener. References to being able to appear anywhere AND shape-shifting? Bonus! Also has a very calm yet arrogant, self assured air about the singer. I think it's great for him. I can imagine myself tied up in a chair while he explains himself to me with this song.

Notable lyrics:

I know, I know, I know this situation's strange It takes a little getting, a little getting used to

I know, I know, I know I'm always in your place But don't you see, my dear? I am your Doppelgänger I have your face

It's not that complicated, no matter what they say You'll never meet another me It's not that difficult to get your head around You'll never meet another me You'll never-never-never-ever-ever meet another me

Pain: Godhunter by Aviators

Hunting tailed beasts while claiming to be a god himself? A song where perhaps the godhunter becomes so powerful shes a God to be hunted???? YES!

...okay that last bit is largely my own very indulgent interpretation of this song. But I LOVE how it would suit him, being both the god and the godhunter in the plot of the story.

Notable lyrics: its literally the whole thing. Here's some cherry picked lines.

When you're holding on to majesty You'd fear the hunt, a travesty That balance may return

If you're something more than flesh, ascended And you've taken on the rest To end it then she'll find you in a dream, tormented Godhunter's gonna hunt you down

Tobi/Obito: The End of the Rope by They Might Be Giants

Who doesn't love a good villain song? You could almost think it's from a musical, how dramatic and explanatory it is. Very good representation of the heel turns this man makes to the protagonists throughout his character arc.

Notable lyrics: its the whole song. Here's the first verse.

How thoughtless of me How dumb can you be? Hopeless, wasn't that What you called me? And in fact It was even more true than you knew

Kisame: Delirium Tremendous by Felix Hagan & the Family

Kisame's a bit of what the kids would call, uh…blackpilled? He enjoys himself, yeah definitely, but he also knows he's a special kind of traitor, the lowest of the low. In my book, that makes him a little less low than some other villains in the series, but he would not agree.

To me, this song is a couple things. Most obviously, delirium tremens after drinking. Next overtly, it's about not being able to fit in. More specifically, it's about not being able to fit in among misfits who are defined by their abnormality, their abhorrent nature to regular society. He is a very alienated man, he wants the good, but he has accepted he is not and that the world as it is will never be that way unless someone else (Tobi/Madara, in his view) takes it by the reigns and changes everything about how it works. He yearns for something he does not feel he has earned or deserves. It captures a lot of vibes and emotions I associate with Kisame all at once: lonliness, sensation, aggressiveness, fighting, longing. AND it's a fucking bop!

Notable lyrics:

What would make you get so battered That your bones betray you, start to shatter And you can’t relate to all the happy little night-time boys and girls

Save breath, crave death Can’t be much worse And I'm sick, sigh, can’t abide This twitching track from wet to dry I’m too old to cry, too young to die Too rabid for the pack So I’ll spit, try to hold it in Search for a sign of life within And I’ll fake a grin, until my skin Is starting to crack

So just stay cool and break through this sick delirium state I got wasted, now I’m tasting the cruel justice of fate

[thatwasntverycashmoneyofme]

𝖽𝗈𝗇’𝗍 𝗍𝗋𝗂𝗉 (𝖿𝖾𝖺𝗍. 𝗂𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗁𝗂)

❥𝗌𝗇𝗂𝗉𝗉𝖾𝗍 : 𝗂𝗇 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗁𝗂𝖽𝖺𝗇’𝗌 𝗃𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗈𝗎𝗌𝗒 𝗅𝖾𝖺𝖽𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖾𝗇𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋 (𝗌𝗆𝗎𝗍)

{ 𝗐𝖺𝗋𝗇��𝗇𝗀𝗌 — 𝖻𝗅𝖺𝖼𝗄 𝖼𝗈𝖽𝖾𝖽 𝖿𝖾𝗆𝖺𝗅𝖾 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋, 𝗇𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝗍𝗁𝗋𝖾𝖾𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾, 𝖼𝗁𝗈𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝖼𝗈𝖼𝗄𝗐𝖺𝗋𝗆𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝖻𝗅𝗈𝗐𝗃𝗈𝖻, 𝖼𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗆𝗉𝗂𝖾, 𝖽𝗂𝗋𝗍𝗒 𝗍𝖺𝗅𝗄 (𝗉𝗋𝖺𝗂𝗌𝖾/𝖽𝖾𝗀𝗋𝖺𝖽𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇), 𝗌𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗆𝗎𝗅𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇, 𝗌𝗉𝖺𝗇𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝖽𝗈𝗀𝗀𝗒 𝗌𝗍𝗒𝗅𝖾, 𝖼𝗎𝗆 𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀. }

"You're such a bitch." You whined out to Hidan who dragged you away from Itachi while in the middle of a conversation.

"Yo I don't give a fuck, I seen the way that pretty boy was eyeing you down." He sneered. You let out a groan. "Ok and Hidan? I can't fucking control how the nigga looks at me the fuck do you want me to do."

"Don't speak fucking to him at all." He looked up at you as he was now sitting on his bed in the hideout, you stood looking down at him, hands on your hip leg bouncing. "Well I'm not finna be straight fucking disrespectful like yo dog ass. And I'm not yah girl."

"Yo watch your fucking mouth princess, cause the way you was slurping me down the other night says otherwise." Your eyes widened and you didn't notice his hands resting on your hips. "First off all boy... don't expose me and second you is like a sugar daddy."

He lick his lip slightly biting it as he pulled you closer til you a draped each thigh around him. "And I do be getting my sugar, right slut?" You rolled your eyes as you slung your arms around his shoulders.

"Nigga shut up 'foe I tell Grandaddy K you be stealing his money." A harsh slap rang across your bottom as you let out a gasp.

Hidan's hand gripped your throat bringing you closer to his face as you let out a strangled moan. "Roll your eyes one more time slut, and I'll reallly make you cry."

You looked him dead in the eyes biting your lip as you giggled. "So rock it." You batted your lashes a bit before rolling your eyes again.

His grip tightened as another harsh slap land on your butt. You let another gasp leave your lips. "I think you deserve more. Don't you?" You nodded your head as Hidan laid you across his lap.

"This time, little slut, I don't care if you count or not, I'm gonna keep slapping this fat ass-" He paused grabbing your ass cheeks with both hands spreading them, you could feel your pussy lips parting. "-Til I see tears flow down this pretty face of yours, and then I'll give you backshots so hard you'll beg for mercy."

After your 5th slap you let out a loud squeal and heard the doorknob turn, you and Hidan looked up to find Itachi, his face tinted red as he took in the predicament.

"I thought you were abusing her." His eyes drifted to a wall to give you some sort of privacy. "Now that I know that's not the case I'll be on my way." He backed out of the room until a voice called out to him.

"Aye pretty boy stay and watch, see how I please my girl." He emphasized the 'my'. Itachi contemplated as he looked to you both, he closed the door then pulled up a seat so he could clearly see your face and your ass getting spanked.

"You’re such a slut~." He spoke as you clenched around nothing. He stayed true to his words and slapped your rear til you cried

Itachi shifted in his seat as he fixed himself 'damn she looks so pretty crying.' He reached forward placing his hand on you cheek and wiped your tears with his thumb.

"You did good baby." Itachi said as he brung his thumb up to his lips tasting your salty tears. Hidan sneered at Itachi then shifted his gaze to you.

You whined wiggling your hips a little which made your ass jiggle. A smirk came to Hidan's face as an idea popped into his head. He leaned towards your ear gripping your jaw in his hand and loudly spoke.

"You're such a slut, princess, do me a favor and give pretty boy what you gave me the other day." He pat your butt letting you go as you slid to your knees in front of Itachi, who shot Hidan a confused stare.

Just as you were about to reach for Itachi's bulge Hidan latched onto your neck pulling your head in his lap as you look at him upside down. "You're gonna scare him away slut, only touch him when he says you can okay?"

He squeezed your neck a little tighter as he leaned down again. "Got it slut?" He tapped you face as you let out a whine. "Y-yes D-daddy~" Hidan smirked as he licked your lips and tongued you down in a heated kiss.

Letting you sit upright you looked to Itachi who's face was the complexion of a tomato. "Now she's a good little slut for you. Tell her what to do before I fuck her in front of you."

Itachi licked his lips as his intense black eyes stared down at you. "Be a good girl and strip me." You both stood up and you took off his robe, pants, and briefs as he now sat on the edge of the bed. Hidan sat behind you in his boxers waiting to see what Itachi would do.

"Suck me off babygirl and take all of me." Itachi had about 8 inches which wasn't bigger than Hidan’s who had 9 but Itachi had girth. Itachi stroke himself a little then leaned back giving you control.

Arching yourself on the bed to get a better angle you slowly dragged your palms against his thighs, his pale skin that turned a shade of peach and your brown pigment being kind of a turn on for you.

Trailing towards his private you looked in his eyes, sticking your tongue out and licking from the bottom of his shaft to the tip. He let out a soft moan as he clenched the sheets. You swirled your tongue around the tip before taking it in your mouth, sucking then let it go with a nice 'pop' sound.

You stroke him with a tight grip and took him in your mouth going as far as you could. You felt thick fingers at your entrance that slid your slickness around your pussy lips and over your clit making you jolt . "You feel how wet you are you fucking slut? Just this wet from sucking his dick?” A smirk ran across his face as he smacked your rear causing you to let out a moan against Itachi.

"D-damn for a s-slut like you, your pussy sure is tight." Hidan grunted out as you clenched on him making him stutter in his thrust. "F-fuck~ you're e-eating me up princess." Hidan watches you bob up and down on Itachi taking note of something.

Feeling hands grip your hips as something hard hit against your folds. "Prepare yourself princess." He thrusted in your not giving you time to prepare knocking the air out of you, making your throat close around Itachi who let out a loud moan throwing his head back.

Hidan grabbed your arms pinning them behind your back with one hand as the other reached over and pushed your head down making you deepthroat Itachi to the hilt.

"So you're a slut that doesn't follow rules." He growled thrusting harder a as you clenched and let out moans and choked gasps around Itachi. "He said take all of him and here you are barely taking half. Aye pretty boy keep her there til you cum."

Between the roughness of Hidan and the smoothness of Itachi your knees started to tremble. You were close, Hidan’s hand traced circles around your clit, rubbing it faster to catch your release.

"U-ughh~ H-hhmm~" You shook trying to get as much air as possible as your orgasm ran through you, pussy clamping on Hidan. "Fuck~ (y/n) who told you to cum fucking slut. Ight I got something for you princess."

He let go the back of your head trailing his hand back to your wrists as he pulled your arms back giving you slow deep strokes, you shook in overstimulation. Itachi grabbed the side of your face keeping you in place. "You take me s-so well baby, just b-breathe through your nose."

Hidan's thrusts sped up and so did Itachi's. "F-fuck~ b-baby I'm going to c-cum~" Itachi's hands slightly tighten as he grounded you to his pelvis. You forced a hand from Hidan's grip repeatedly slapping Itachi's thigh.

He ignored the action making you grab a hand that was on the side of your face. Hidan took notice as he snatched your hand away pulling it to its original position giving you a deep stroke, forcing a moan out of you. Itachi's hips stuttered as he let out a high pitched moan.

"Ahh~ f-fuck~" Itachi came in your mouth muttering 'just breathe' and grunting as he let out spirts of cum. "S-swallow it all baby~" Itachi moaned as he was still getting stimulated by the strokes Hidan was giving.

You came up with a pop, sticking out your tongue showing Itachi that you swallowed. Softly, Itachi gripped your throat, lifting you up a bit roughly kissing you as his tongue invaded your mouth fighting for dominance, which you lost of course.

Pulling away Itachi leaned down his tongue rolling around your brown nipple as his mouth latched to it his other hand pinching and teasing your other bud. Hidan let go of your arms wrapping one hand around your throat the other rubbing your clit.

Turning your head towards him he shoved his tongue down your throat gripping you tighter and rubbing faster, your legs trembling as his hips jutting inward. You pulled away from Hidan and moaned out. "Ahhh~ f-fuck~ D-daddy I'm finna cum a-again~"

Your walls held his cock tighter as another intense orgasm rang through, Itachi's tongue trailed from your nipple to the valley of your breasts, along your neck to the line of your jaw, and planted a chaste kiss against you lips which turned into something more that swallowed your moans.

"Move pretty boy." Hidan grunted. Itachi move off of the bed and stood beside Hidan as he made you doggy style. "D-daddy please." You hiccuped. "I-i can't do another one p-please." Hidan slapped your ass, tears pouring down your face.

"S-shut up slut I'm finna nut. F-fuck~ be a good little slut and take all of daddy's cum~" Letting out one final groan Hidan emptied himself in you not yet pulling out.

"Aye pretty boy come look." Itachi watch as Hidan spreads your pussy lips pulling out slowly, his dick incased in both of y'all's cum, as a stream of his cum flowed out excellently down your thighs like a commercial for milk.

Itachi's hand followed your spine til it stopped at your jaw slightly lifting it placing a soft kiss at your lips. "You did so well baby." A trail of dry tears covering your face again. "T-thanks Tachi."

Feeling a hand strike your ass again you jolted. "Good job princess." You whined out as he leaned down kissing you harshly. "Thank you Daddy."

"Now get out pretty boy, me and my girl got business to attend." Itachi's eyes went back and forth between you and Hidan his blush deeper as he himself realized what he got into. You let out a tired giggled looking at his face.

"Bye Tachi." He collected himself leaving Hidan's room.

ʏᴏ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ɪ ᴡʀᴏᴛᴇ ɪᴛᴀᴄʜɪ ɪᴛ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴀᴜᴛᴏᴄᴏʀʀᴇᴄᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴀᴄᴏ 😭😭

𝗌𝗉𝖺𝗆 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾𝗌, 𝗋𝖾𝖻𝗅𝗈𝗀𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗌. 𝖣𝖮𝖭𝖳 𝗌𝗍𝖾𝖺𝗅, 𝖼𝗈𝗉𝗒 𝗈𝗋 𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝗒𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝖾𝗅𝗌𝖾. ©𝖼𝗂𝗍𝗒𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝖺𝗅

[uchihaxitachi]

Important PSA:

Warnings: Anon blogs versus other RP drama, 🎭 skip if you want to. Read if you want to know what is my final course of action about it

I feel like it’s about time I had to make a post, I hate typing a lot (I hate it lmfaooo especially when it’s not a fic or a RP plot I’m dangerously excited about) 😮‍💨 but two months ago shit happened. I get it. The “Anon” thing started from me, a bored Covid struck Itachi simp who just created Itachi-anon for funsies. I had seen roleplaying in other fandoms (BNHA) and that’s how I decided to create Itachi anon. I just wanted to embody the character I loved with all my heart. Asks/RP plots, everything is a part & parcel of this. Sasukeanon joined in, (from the very beginning) annoying Itachi as his little brother. They made the blog just for my Itachi, and I was the one who nudged them to make it an Anon blog. (Others joined and yada yada).

The purpose was to have fun and to RP. It’s been four years since I’ve been on Tumblr where I’ve deleted this blog multiple times because I was sick of the mundane toxicity this fandom as a whole invests in. I thought it was a Covid thingy, hey? Everyone gets bored & gets frustrated, y’know? Clearly not. With the whole feud that happened between various blogs and the Anon blogs, it was pretty clear people had things which they shouldn’t give that much importance to, given drastically astronomical importance. Who gives a shit ffs? 🤦🏻‍♀️ These characters aren’t real, we have real lives (most of us) outside this platform. I couldn’t care less about what happened, and I don’t care about what’s happening right now.

Now, you’d say if you don’t give a shit, Itachi-Mod, why did you get involved. See? I don’t give a shit about this stuff, but — I do give a shit about people I call my friends, people I consider close, people who know a tad bit more about me other than the fact that I go by Ena (Online name) and I moderate this blog. Even if in the near future, if someone comes for my friends, I will defend them unperturbed and uncaring of how it makes me look like. Cus I couldn’t care less what a bunch of unknown strangers think about me over my friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That being said, I don’t want to be a part of the whole “fixing things” or, “X apologizing to Y, Y apologizing to Z.” Because I’ve burnt the book long ago. If it were Sasukeanon and I, (who have fought in the past before mind you). I would be interested in doing whatever it takes to make things right. If it’s someone who I didn’t even know well, I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather protect my peace that’s already fucked by my Corporate job.

In conclusion, don’t talk to me about this anymore. Choose your sides, us or them. Or both. I couldn’t really care neither will I make anyone choose like an insecure teen. If you want to RP with my version of Itachi, let’s go! 💓 If not, that’s okay, there are other, lesser canon (sarcastic) versions of him out there. 😛

Peace out! ✌️ if you’ve read this much imagine me giving you a bear hug 🤗 and loads of kissies xx because holy shidddd I wouldn’t read this much ngl (Maybe I have ADHD) 😔😭

-Mod

[vulpisnocturna]

Itachi x reader who wants to break up with him saying that she has never loved him and she's going to another country for studies or make some excuse I don't know I'm feeling sadistic today

But know that Itachi will be broken and hurt

Anon, I think you guys are doing it to mess with me now 🤧 and I’m not writing it with 2nd person POV because you all can reject Itachi and break his heart, not me though, I’m making him dango and taking him to his favourite cafe 🤍

Guess what though- Itachi’s not a wet wipe, and he’s about to enter his girlboss era 💅🏻

-When y/n starts talking and her tone shifts into a cold, demeaning, harsh voice that Itachi’s never expected to hear directed at him, he freezes. He’s wondering what on Earth she might say. He has noticed that she has been getting colder and more distant with him lately, and being as observant as he is, he thinks she might want to break things off

-‘I don’t think I have ever loved you, Itachi. Besides, I’m going to another country to continue my studies, and having a long distance relationship never works’ (me who’s been with the same partner for 4 yrs and did 2 yrs long distance: BULLSHIT!!)

-Her voice is muffled, and it echoes in his head, clattering around like a sword. Why would she say something so cruel? He had never come to know her as a cruel, cold person. It was not the person he’d fallen in love with. He swallows, but he’s quick to conceal his emotions. He’s not going to show her just how hurt he is by what she said.

-‘Was it all a lie, then?’ he asks, calm, detached, hiding the pain in his chest. She shakes her head.

-‘No, I just think I was foolish to think there was something where there wasn’t anything. Sorry’ she says, though her face is impassive. Itachi nods slowly.

-‘Well then. I hope you find happiness’ he says, his lips set in a hard line. Her brow furrows, her lips parting in mild surprise.

-‘You’re just going to take it?’ she asks, staring at him. Itachi’s jaw tightens. Does she expect him to grovel for that kind of treatment? To beg someone who clearly has never valued him to stay with him? He’s not such a pathetic man.

-‘I see no point in continuing a relationship with a person who sees no worth in me and cannot treat me with basic decency. I am not about to beg for cruelty and pretence’ he says simply, starting to gather his things around her flat and putting them in a bag. She blinks, rooted to the spot in the hallway until he passes by her to put his shoes on.

-‘Goodbye, y/n’ he only says, closing the door behind him before she can answer.

-at home, Itachi does not know whether it’s anger or sorrow that dominates his heart. Why has he let himself get so attached? Why has he failed to see the extent of her indifference towards him? Why has he fallen for a lie? Why does it hurt so much, despite knowing now what type of person she is?

-When Shisui comes knocking at his door, he thinks he might not answer, but in the end, he lifts himself off the bed and walks to the door

-Shisui listens to him calmly as he speaks about it, but at the end, his expression is almost comically angry, all narrowed eyes, wrinkled nose and downturned lips.

-‘Fuck her. You’re better off without her, Itachi. And she expected you to fight for her? Tsk. You’d gain more fighting for crumbs at a buffet’ he says, waving his hand dismissively. Itachi smiles slightly. Shisui is always so honest and forward in a way that he values greatly. And he trusts him wholeheartedly.

-‘It still pains me. It was not a lie, to me. I thought I had found the person I wanted to build a family with’ he says absentmindedly, nursing a cup of tea like it‘s whiskey.

-‘You’ll find someone who’s worthy of that. And if you don’t, I’m always here’ he winks, and Itachi scoffs, amused.

Itachi to y/n in this:

[nebuvoid]

you ever read something so stupid youre baffled? like a really well written fic but then op makes the most flaccid choice possible?

having sas agree to leave the elders and danzo alive?? fucking danzo??? out of what, the moronic sense of 'not perpetuating the cycle of violence'? like theres nuance to that??

cycle of violence is me avenging my murdered loved one, then the child of this murdered person taking revenge on me, then my friend taking revenge on that child and so on

bringing the people that instigated an ethnic massacre, put the blame within said ethnic group, exploit the remains of the ethnic group to this day, to justice is not the same are you an idiot 😭

ill give you that murdering them in silence will only be short lived, you should bring their crimes to light first so they can die in dishonor as they deserve. and in a more sane world yeah you could do a whole court spiel about it, tho thats really not needed within narutos world, where violence is the language.

sasuke loses himself in his frantic hatred by the end, justifiably so considering itachi and the konoha truth and what not, but his original plan WAS restoring the uchihas honor so revealing the truth about the elders and THEN murdering them would be in his favor.

but the worst thing is when people depict just leaving konoha be as is as the wise choice. like wow sas finally saw the light and wow naruto was so right about this. wowie no more violence now 🤗

when the whole point of sns is that they balance each other, they are literally canonically yin and yang, naruto teaches sasuke that its okay to let himself love again and to want happiness for himself, yes, but sasuke also teaches naruto that he doesnt need to chase for love from people that dont care about him as a person, that its okay to be open about the hurt you feel and youre loved ones wont leave you for that. that being loyal doesnt mean being a sucker, that you can both love and hate at the same time >of course we didnt get that much of that second part because kishimoto gave up but the entire source material very clearly tells us this

my point is. does anyone still try to put themselves in a characters shoes to understand them and write them right??? is this still a thing we do hello is anyone in here

[oh-no-its-bird]

oh my god your fucking MIND I love this

Taking this and running with it + also replying to @poorwhayfairingstranger :

I said before that I think Houhua would have a bit of a moment w himself where he debates "ok do I want to go down the child prodigy route? Or should I stay middling to low, fly under the radar?"

On one hand, child prodigy sounds like a good way to raise his character importance and get some system points, but on the other hand, from what he remembers of Naruto it also sounds like a fucking EXELLENT way to get killed horribly. Or just grossly abused / eaten alive by the shinobi system

SO LIKE. LOOKING AT WHAT YOURE LAYING DOWN. HEAR ME OUT.

Houhua decides that he'd rather not show all his cards so soon and possibly doom himself preemptively with the child prodigy route, and after thinking a bit from an authors POV on what angle he should try to take, finds himself instead considering posing as the classic "bottom of the ladder shocks the world as they shoot to the top unexpectedly!" trope

This also leaves room for him to go generally ignored by any adults who might have caused him problems if he'd showed his skills, and slack off (read: do his own thing as he tries to collect enough points to survive the penalty of surviving the massacre) without suspicion

So like. Infamous Uchiha dead last Houhua.

(For a second I forgot the fucking timeline and almost said "This also has a side effect of giving Obito some slack among his clan. The kid may be a bit of a mess, but at least he's no Houhua! So give him a chance, yeah?" but then remembered Obito's fucking GONE already and we're well past that point, oops!)

(But like. do you think Kakashi would look at him and remember another crybaby ninja he used to know? Maybe.)

But yeah, infamous dead last Houhua. Throw in an occasional semi-public breakdown, let him be well known for being overprepared to a comedic degree and apparently terrified of death, and your golden! Nothing to see here, just a guy whos very clearly not cut out for the shinobi lifestyle but who's going for it either way because it's what's expected of him

NOW. Give me your fucking silly little guard dog "top of his class" Sasuke deciding that CLEARLY his new goal in life is to protect poor silly Houhua from uhh. It's unclear, actually, but probably just. In general everything.

Make this even worse bc Houhua's entire system given mission is "become close to the character of Itachi Uchiha then die on his blade to further his guilt"

(fuck. note to self as I write this: The system never specified that he has to die on his blade during the Uchiha massacre, only that he'd have to "die on his blade to further his guilt." I can totally do some "your mission never technically finished and has still been active all this time" bullshit with that later. Someone remind me to come back and think ab that later)

So like. Houhua has totally been hanging around Itachi and thus Sasuke, like, a lot as Sasuke is growing up. He probably helped babysit him n stuff! Sasuke is very familiar with him as 'big brothers loser friend'

Which probably only makes the protection worse. Houhua is a little bit perfect for Sasuke to project all of his good memories of Itachi onto without the conflict of remembering what his brother did <3

Anyways all of that is made even funnier by the fact that Houhua is powerful. He has decades of years of memories and experience as a master cultivator, and ok, maybe he wasnt the strongest of his time, but he was a fucking peak lord. And he knows how to spend his time if he wants to grind his skills in this world. And you can bet your ass that's what hes been doing in preparation for massacre day!

He just also throws everyone tf off his trail by just. Being himself. A shaky surface level coward who always looks 3 seconds away from bursting into hysterics about not wanting to die

You know that "trope" about how in naruto, you can always expect a jonin to have some sort of funky quirk going for them? How pretty much all ninja of a certain level just have something weird about them, or some sort of coping mechanism to rely on? Kakashi has porn, Gai is,, Gai, Jiriyah is. Jiriyah. Etc. etc.

I just think Houhua fits into that mold alarmingly well, with his near compulsive overpreparing and general uhh. Everything. Houhua-ness.

I think that after the massacre, he's kind of called out for his skills but only within a certain circle.

He survived Itachi (and Obito, who was also there if I remember correctly) when Sasuke was supposed to be the only one to survive, and that says something, even if some dont want to listen.

He's debating whether to let himself be called out for it or whether to stick to the bit, and ultimatley decides that he does NOT want to deal with the "gasp!! the silly little guy is actually,, powerful?" production rn when he has an armful of a sobbing Sasuke so he just kinda cries and babbles a bit and ultimatley lets people assume it was luck and Itachi being sentimental towards his childhood friend

(Danzo however, remains suspicious)

Eventually tho I do want Houhua to get called out, and it is important for his little narrative he's trying to follow along

He does smthn really impressive and everyone does the *gasp!!* shock!! surprise!!* routine but he immediatley starts crying, which makes them go *oh what was I thinking, clearly this is just good old silyl usless Houhua* while someone who actually knows what theyre doing, like Kakashi maybe, ignores the tears as they just go "no no what the FUCK was that. Dont change the topic WHAT WAS THAT"

Maybe he's eventually kind of strong armed into joining ANBU maybe? ANBU rat my beloved,,,

He can replace Itachi / Shisui on team Ro <3

No one on the squad he's placed into understands how the actual fuck he got here, even when watching him in action its a little hard to comprehend when he does do smthn impressive bc hes fucking whining and crying ab it the whole time

Oh!! Also! Its important to note that Houhua never found out that Itachi was pushed into doing this by the village btw. He never got that far in the manga! So he has no idea what Itachi's motivations are-- but, Houhua is an author himself and he's also not fucking stupid. He smells something fishy in the water.

So when the system gives him a new quest after his survival of the massacre, he's all too ready to fufill it.

"Find out the truth of the Uchiha massacre"

ALSO the system telling Houhua to get killed to give Sasuke agency would make him SO mad I think that is canon now. In my heart.

Umm anyways final thoughts: Final battle arc when Hashirama tells Sasuke his brother is strong and a hashtag good Konoha shinobi, Houhua would straight up punch him in the face. Send tweet.

For your Uchiha Houhua AU, system said "New Objective: Die". Know who else seemingly 'died'? Obito. Considering his experience back in the SVSSS 'verse, I can see him pull off an Obito and be on the run (with or without Sasuke, I'm not sure)

Houhua, panicking and knowing only that Sasuke is Important(tm) to the plot: Ok so if I just. Take him. Just take him and run. Would that increase my narrative weight enough to survive???

actually thats a really funny thought, I might pocket it. I think Houhua would have definitely considered it but like. It'd also get his ass hunted down by all of Konoha for stealing The Last Uchiha(tm)

The village wont take that lying down and unfortunately Houhua is not at the skill level needed to even begin to dodge that kind of effort looking for him-- not to mention Sasuke, who may or may not have been taken against his will.

[delirious-donna]

Tempting the Babysitter [Itachi Uchiha]

Oct. 1 - Itachi Uchiha x female reader

The kids are asleep and the house is quiet. Now would be the perfect time for your boyfriend to swing by, right?

warnings: suggestive, making out, dry humping, teasing

Masterlist

The first wave of calm broke over the now quiet household. It was a welcome reprieve from the hours, that had seemed endless, filled with chaotic noise and activity. Three children under ten, what a prospect but you had taken it on knowing how tough it might be. The pay was excellent and the kids weren’t all that bad, just boisterous.

Now that all three were tucked safely in bed, stories read and gentle snoring filling their rooms' dark void, it was time to unwind. Your fingers laced above your head as you stretched your aching limbs. Padding through to the kitchen for some much-needed water and food.

You didn’t think it would be possible to feel bored after spending the last hour praying for your little charges to hurry the fuck up and go to bed, but here you were. Sprawled across the generous couch that dominated most of the living area, flicking aimlessly through tv channels without paying much attention to the content.

The flickering light of your phone screen illuminated next to you, and your fingers were quick to wrap around it with a smile brightening your face as you read the adorable message from Itachi.

It seemed your sweet boyfriend was also at a loss for how to spend his free time, and you pondered… would there be any harm in inviting him over? Itachi was perfectly respectable, well-mannered and polite to a fault. Plus, the children were in bed, surely there was no flaw in this plan?

Big mistake…

You knew where things were headed the very second that Itachi gave you his most attractive ‘bedroom eyes’, he was barely aware of the expression that painted his handsome features but you knew it intimately. The dark pools of his eyes fixed you with that long stare that often meant things were about to turn heated. His eyelids were that sleepy half-shut way that always had you biting your lip.

The way his finger travelled the length of your spine, barely ghosting in places and pressing firmly in others, was enough to curl your toes and press you closer into the warmth of his side. A quiet hum sent a shiver over the bare skin of your arms and legs. Your shorts rode up your thighs, the crotch pulling uncomfortably against your panties.

“Why are you doing this?” you whispered, hiding your freshly pinkened cheeks into the crook of his neck and inhaling the citrusy tang of his cologne mingled with his uniquely fresh scent.

Itachi pressed a kiss to your temple before gliding a cool hand under your chin, his thumb toyed with the plush flesh of your lower lip whilst he lifted your face so he could see you more clearly.

That telling half-smirk widened an inch as he looked you over, and you weren’t sure what was going on inside his mind.

“Doing what, exactly?”

You were tingling all over; from the hairs on your scalp down to your toes. The decadent rich timbre of his calming voice sparked a trail of desire culminating in the depths of your belly. It felt like pressure stormed above your head, the tv long forgotten in the background on some crappy movie and you just wanted him to be forthright–for once.

“Don't be a tease Tachi, I wanna –” Your words were cut short by the lightning-fast reflexes that always caught you off guard. 

One second you were curled by your boyfriend’s side and the next you were forcefully lifted and pulled upon his lap to face him.

Your thighs spread on impulse, a knee braced on either side of his parted legs and sinking further into the expensive couch. You panted through your parted lips, little puffs of breath that demonstrated how affected you were by this side of him.

Itachi tipped his head to the side, a broad palm splayed across your lower back and pressing you closer and closer together. It wasn’t long before you could feel his erection beneath his pants, the tent rubbing against your inner thigh in slow, languorous motions.

“You wanna what?” Itachi teased like he hadn’t just interrupted you in order to haul you atop his lap.

This was his fault, not yours.

You were not to blame for the raw sensation burning through you and gagging the sensible part of your brain that screamed for an ounce of sanity.

Your fingers found his raven hair, tugging it free from the strap holding it together and almost sighing as it fell around his shoulders. It was so soft, silky to the touch and you were carding through it in seconds.

His cool lips found yours, feathering soft kisses that were a stark contrast to how you were tugging on his roots but he refused to move at your pace. Itachi would slow you down, even if it killed you to be patient, he’d wait an eternity until you relented and fell into step with him.

He tasted like candy, a sugary coating to the tongue that lazily twisted around yours. Itachi explored the edges of your lips and the points of your teeth like this was his first time kissing you. His tongue flickered against the roof of your mouth and he swallowed your throaty moans.

You were flushed all over, heat cascading in waves that ebbed and flowed. It was hard to resist rocking into his body, to feel his erection grow the longer you kissed, the more you clung to him like a safety line in a stormy sea. Sensing his smile on your skin was enough to rip your mouth from his with a gasp. 

“Please.”

It was annoying to feel so meek, to bow to the rhythm and cadence of your man, but what bothered you most was how much you wanted to please him. To do anything asked of you simply to watch that bright smile unfurl on his face. Itachi was your weakness in this world and you doubted he truly knew how wrapped around his finger you were.

For once, it appeared he was done with his teasing.

A dark flame was lit in his inky irises and a determination set his jaw into a harsh line. His knees shifted closer together, sliding your lust-soaked pussy directly against his clothed erection. Itachi rolled his hips up and caught you in the most delicious way. The seams of your shorts pressed against your clit and elicited a heavy moan.

You could only watch as that dark, hungry gaze swept down you. Taking in your heaving chest, the subtle quiver of your stomach and then back to admiring your face.

A rhythm was born quickly, Itachi shifted up and you rocked in circular motions with both of you gasping and panting like wanton beasts. Your dark-haired God tugged you back in for kisses, holding your head as the other hand clutched and grabbed at the fat of your ass.

These kisses were unrestrained and primal, a war of dominance between two tongues battled in a deadly dance. Neither of you gave in and there was a definite grunt of frustration from your usually stoic boyfriend. He nipped at your lips and the war was over as you keened long and low for him.

He stared into glazed, lust-blown eyes and you could practically see the wheels in his brain turning. You were soaked, the slick close to staining through your shorts and with each rub of his dick against your aroused clit, it brought you thundering towards release without even being properly touched.

“Pretty girl, you going to cum for me? Don't even need to slide my hand into your panties to know you’re drenched. Let me see that cute fucked out face.”

The grind of his hips and the arch of his back as he worked every muscle in his lower torso to heighten the friction against your pussy was enough to make you see stars. Not even aware of how loud you had become, Itachi silenced you with a fierce kiss. All teeth clashing and fearsome snarls that were so unlike you or him. Who were these two horny lovers? 

Your orgasm was unlike any you’d experienced to this point, there was no snap of mounting tension, this was akin to a bathtub overflowing and the water splashing to the floor. It was intense in an entirely different way and you slumped, boneless against Itachi’s heaving chest.

“What about you?” you whimpered once enough of your faculties had returned to make you feel guilt over the still straining cock hidden beneath his pants.

“Hmm… you could help me out?” he suggested almost lazily.

His fingers fell to his belt, the clatter of metal loud in the aftermath of your release, but it was interrupted by the key turning in the front door. 

Frantic, you stared at each other before leaping apart. You tucked yourself in modestly against Itachi’s side whilst he hastily fixed his belt back in place. A small squeak slipped out at the prominent tent and the damp patch you’d left as evidence of what had transpired. 

Thankfully your boyfriend was quick thinking and resourceful, pulling the nearby throw over his legs and covering your lower half too. You looked like a loved-up young couple watching a movie. Not some horny lovers that had nearly been caught in the act of dry humping.

The walk home had been fun, a chance to relive those frantic seconds with some much-needed laughter, and it was safe to say that you didn’t spend the night alone.

After all, you did still have a debt to repay…

[panharmonium]

this is legitimately one of my top five favorite kakashi scenes.

i love seeing kakashi break the rules in the name of doing the right thing, and this scene especially is particularly satisfying to me, because his moment of defiance here is, to my mind, long overdue.  

one of my eternal frustrations in early naruto is how the leaf village administration gives kakashi the job of caring for a group of super high-needs children and then continually makes that job as difficult for him as possible.  they task him with being solely responsible for the development and well-being of three twelve year-olds - a group that includes naruto (a walking disaster with a god’s power trapped inside his body) and sasuke (a genocide survivor fixated on killing his own brother), BOTH of whom are being hunted by different groups of supercriminals - and then the village keeps getting in kakashi’s way or dropping the ball or actively ordering him to prioritize other things.  

so much of what goes wrong with the kids in this period is the result of other people interfering with kakashi’s work or being negligent or endangering the kids/putting kakashi in impossible positions.  team 7’s first big mission sets the tone for everything that comes after, with someone else’s lie putting kakashi in a situation where he has to single-handedly protect not just the client who deceived him, but the three children who were supposed to be the clients’ other protectors.  and after that, the list just multiplies:

ten anbu operatives can’t manage to protect sasuke’s hospital room from orochimaru’s minions, so kakashi has to do it himself and then whisk sasuke out of the village for a month, leaving naruto in the hands of a substitute and sakura with her parents

genma orders sasuke to chase after gaara when the chunin exams blow up, saying “you’re at chunin level already,” which forces kakashi to immediately dispatch more kids to bring him back, because “ffs NO i do NOT want him out there doing that why the fuck would you tell him to do that?!” 

aoba runs his mouth off about itachi when sasuke is standing RIGHT THERE, instantly undoing all the work kakashi just did to prevent itachi and sasuke from coming anywhere near each other (and thus sending sasuke to that disastrous first encounter, the outcome of which ultimately leads to sasuke’s defection)

jiraiya decides he should let sasuke try to fight itachi himself, “out of respect for the boy’s feelings,” leading to sasuke ending up in a tsukuyomi coma

tsunade orders kakashi to drop his teaching work and leave the village on a mission even though a) he’s just gotten out of his own torture-induced coma and b) sasuke is having a crisis that kakashi is trying to manage

and then when kakashi gets back from that mission and finds out that surprise, all of this meddling has led to a disaster, tsunade tries to order him away AGAIN

but this time - he just says no.

he walks right out of her office.  he turns his back on her.  and there is NOTHING i love more than seeing kakashi embody the philosophy that he’s chosen to adopt as his guiding light: those who break the rules are scum.  but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum.

it’s not that he doesn’t understand where tsunade is coming from here.  but he knows she’s wrong.  she’s making her decisions based solely on concerns about the Leaf Village being in a tight spot - feeling like they can’t turn down missions because they’ll appear weak and thus become vulnerable to attack when they’re already operating at half strength.  she sends a group of twelve year-olds to bring sasuke back because supposedly the village can’t spare anyone else, “even if it means letting the sharingan fall into orochimaru’s hands” - but like.  it’s not the sharingan.  it’s a child.  sasuke isn’t just a repository for his hereditary jutsu; he’s not a pair of eyes to be passed around from one wielder to the next.  he’s a human child.  

tsunade doesn’t know sasuke.  she’s new to the situation and doesn’t know enough about it to understand how serious it is.  i don’t even think she was still in the village when the uchiha massacre occurred; the timeline makes it sound like she left long before that.  she doesn’t really understand who sasuke is or how much trouble he’s in - she makes her decision because she feels like her first priority has to be the well-being of the Leaf as a whole, not the individual people who comprise it.  kakashi, though, who a) lives his life by a very different philosophy and b) does understand sasuke’s situation, would not have dealt with the issue like this, and if the village had let him do his job from the beginning, things wouldn’t have gotten to this point in the first place.

kakashi is horrified that tsunade sent a bunch of twelve year-olds out to fight orochimaru’s ninja, and i think he’s also probably angry and/or frustrated about having been ordered out of the village in the first place.  he was dealing with the situation before tsunade sent him away.  he interrupted the fight between sasuke and naruto even though he himself had literally just gotten out of the hospital, and then he continued addressing the issue with sasuke privately (unlike jiraiya’s non-attempt to address it with naruto, when he said he was going to give naruto a talking-to but actually flaked out).  kakashi knew sasuke was struggling, and he was doing all the things a teacher is supposed to do to address it, but then he was ordered away, and even though it was just for two days, it was enough time for everything to go to hell.

if people would just let him do his job - if the administration would let him focus on the task they themselves assigned to him - things would be different.  but everybody wants him to do everything.  they want him to be everywhere.  they want him to protect the nine-tails jinchuriki (who is also kakashi’s dead teacher’s son), and train the last surviving uchiha (which is a task only kakashi and his sharingan can perform), and give equal attention to a third kid, for good measure, and they want him to do it without stepping away from any of his other burdens, all while other people around him constantly frustrate the progress he makes.

so this time, when tsunade tries to send him away, he refuses.  he disobeys her orders and walks out of the room.  he doesn’t care about the rules or what he’s “legally” obligated to do.  he knows what the RIGHT thing to do is, and so he rejects his new mission in favor of rescuing the kids.

i love these moments.  i love when we’re shown so clearly the person kakashi has chosen to be - someone who does what’s right, not just what he’s told.  he made an active choice many years ago to adopt that philosophy, and he’s been living by those new rules ever since.  he's wiser now than he was when he was a child - sometimes you have to break ranks to do the right thing.  sometimes you have to buck the system, even if it means you might face severe personal consequences.

he had one of two choices: either save the mission or his comrades.  of course, according to the law of the village, you cannot abandon a mission.  but to save the life of his comrades, he put the mission on hold.

kakashi may have spent a good chunk of his childhood trying to reject everything the subject of that story stood for, but none of his attempts to harden his heart ever stuck.  he is, in the end, his father’s son.

[eyeles-writing]

Stupidity Is Not a Right

⭐︎Word Count: 2794 ⭐︎

⭐︎Pairings: Kisame Hoshigaki/Reader ⭐︎

⭐︎Content: Slice of life. First encounter! ⭐︎

⭐︎Description: Two shinobi are outside your door during the latest hours of the night, in desperate search of a place to stay. You, either out of stupidity or self-preservation, offer them your home for the night.

⭐︎ Kisame Week 2022: day 5 - “do you come here often?” “i live here” & teeth

About thirteen minutes ago, a large shinobi had bursted through your front door, a smaller one in tow. They eyed your home interior for a moment while you stared, heart racing at the appearance of two infamous killers at your doorstep. One was a shark-man hybrid with teeth sharper than a sword, and the other a silent killer known for the murder of his entire clan in a moments notice. You’d heard of the two men before, being a civilian from the Leaf caught up on current events, but you’d never expect them to show up at your door in the middle of the night.

The larger one, who was a pale blue shade somehow, locked eyes with you the moment he stepped through your door. You’d seen them through your window just moments before as they walked down the path to your home - after a brief internal panic, you froze in fear and decided that standing still in the middle of the room would be your best defense.

“Well,” The large one said, “do you work here?”

You didn’t even have time to process the weirdness of the question. You just shook your head slowly, as if to say “no, I don’t work here, and I’m incredibly fucking scared right now.”

The one behind him, who was currently staring you down intensely with no indication of emotion across his face, furrowed his brow gently at your lack of response.

“Do you come here often, then?” The man asked, flashing a grin at you. His sharp teeth glimmered in the candlelight, and a shiver was sent down your spine.

“...I live here,” you said faintly.

The large man looked back at his partner, clearly confused, then took a look around your living room for a moment.

“Kisame,” The smaller one spoke up, “I believe we’re terrorizing this innocent person for no reason. This is not an inn.”

A blush crept up to Kisame’s face, and he grinned apologetically. “I- ah, I’m sorry-!” He said, waving his hand in the air erratically, “I thought this was an inn-”

“Do you need somewhere to stay?” You asked abruptly, startling even yourself.

Kisame paused, shocked. Were you really offering them a room for the night?

“We would sincerely appreciate any hospitality you could offer us,” The smaller man spoke plainly. His voice was quiet, but it carried through to you just enough for you to understand what he was saying.

“Itachi is right,” Kisame said. “We badly need a place to stay, and we’re running out of options.”

“I… I guess I can, uh, offer you my living room for the night?”

You were still stood frozen in the middle of the room. Finally, you lifted your foot and took a few steps toward your couch, which appeared to be just large enough to fit one person. “I know it’s not much, but I also have some extra blankets for the floor…”

“It’s okay, sweetheart, sleeping on the floor is no issue.” Kisame shot you a smile, one much less malicious this time, and it was suddenly your turn to blush.

A feeling of awkwardness filled the room, as you were now left completely in the dark as to what you were meant to do now. There were two infamous killers in your living room, and you (out of stupidity or self-preservation, you’ll never know) offered your space to them. Now what?

“Um,” you spoke up, watching the two of them stand there idly as they waited for your direction, “I was going to make dinner… Did you guys… want any?”

“If you’d like assistance, I’d be glad to help,” Itachi gave you a gentle and seemingly genuine smile. “I’m an excellent cook.”

“O-Oh! I’d love that!”

Being the terrible cook that you are, you let Itachi take the reins when it came to dinner. He looked through your cabinets twice before he decided on a meal - rice with steamed vegetables and a bit of meat. It was simple enough to not take long at all while also being both decently healthy and only used the simplest ingredients in the house. You watched him while he worked, and Kisame continued chatting with you at your kitchen table while Itachi steamed the vegetables at your stove.

“So, you work in town?” He asked you initially, and you nodded.

“I’m a librarian, yes.” You swallowed the lump in your throat as your nerves slowly began to die out once it became clear that the two Akatsuki members were not intending to harm you. “I decided living a bit outside the village to grow my own produce was worth the commute, and it’s not been a problem as of yet.”

“Until now,” Kisame laughed, and you chuckled in response.

“What do… you do?” You asked hesitantly, hoping that he’d just lie to you out of politeness.

“I have a feeling that you know exactly what me and my partner do,” he said lowly, though the amount of charm in his voice did not waver once. “We do lots of things, primarily work toward our common goal of making the world a better place.”

“Through murder,” you clarified. Kisame shrugged.

“It can’t be helped.”

As you talked with the man, you began to realize just how delightful of a person he truly was. He was kind, actually, and intelligent. He answered all of the questions you asked him, which were primarily regarding his skill as a ninja - being born and raised a civilian and having little interaction with the shinobi world, you were almost completely oblivious to how the life of a ninja went. You even asked him some more personal things, and he answered gracefully.

You asked him about his living situation and he was quick to answer.

“We simply live nowhere,” he shrugged. “We go where there is work to be done. Whether that means living in hotel rooms or a cave for an evening, it is beyond our control.”

In your heart, a twinge of sadness rung. “You really have nowhere to call home?” You expressed, a frown on your face. “That’s really sad, you know.”

Kisame laughed, a boisterous noise echoing through the room. “If you think that’s sad, you ought to hear Itachi’s backstory.”

A cold shiver ran through your spine as Itachi, as if he’d been summoned, walked into the dining room with some plates in his hands. He set them in front of both you and Kisame, and then one for himself.

“There will be no sharing of my backstory tonight,” he mused, and Kisame chuckled. “Though I heard yours is quite entertaining, Kisame.”

His partner smiled. “What backstory? I just killed some teammates and stole a sword, there’s not much entertainment there.”

“You killed your teammates?” You asked, and Itachi smiled in amusement. Kisame bit into his food and nodded, his gills flexing outward with the movement of his jaw. You saw his sharp teeth bite into the meat that was mixed with the vegetables, and it reminded you just who you were talking to.

“I killed my teammates because they were filthy liars,” Kisame said. He took another bite, swallowed, then continued speaking. “They were selling out their village for personal gain, which is something I despise. I hated my village, but I hated liars more.”

“And you’re not concerned about that?” You glanced over at Itachi, who was staring down at his food and taking small bites occasionally. He hummed.

“Itachi could kick my ass if he wanted to,” Kisame laughed, “I don’t think he’s got anything to worry about.”

You took a bite of your food as you thought of his words, doing your best to think back to what little knowledge you have about Itachi and the Akatsuki. Being from the Leaf, Itachi was the only member of this organization that you were familiar at all with. You knew that his brother, Sasuke, was becoming a star ninja at the academy as of late - your brother was only a year above the boy and had told you all about his stellar skills. He’d also told you about how Sasuke went home to no family every day, left to sit alone in the Uchiha estate that had been abandoned almost a decade prior.

Kisame talked for both him and Itachi over the course of dinner, as it became very clear that Itachi was not a man who enjoyed talking to anyone. The shark-man charmed you quite easily with his fantastic stories of adventure, filling you with a deep and alluring sensation that made you want to continue asking questions. There was something about the way that he rested his chin on his palm as he talked to you, mindlessly tapping his other hand against his thigh, that had you entranced.

Itachi stood up suddenly, which broke you out of your conversation with Kisame regarding his favorite foods.

“I’ll be getting ready for bed now.” Itachi turned to you and his voice shifted into a softer tone. “Y/N, would you please show me to the bathroom?”

You stood up and smiled before heading down the hall and into the door on the left where your bathroom was. Itachi thanked you and, right as you were about to walk away, spoke in a volume so low that you could hardly catch it.

“I must warn you,” he whispered, “getting involved in Akatsuki business has proven time and again how dangerous the world can be.”

You furrowed your brow in confusion. “What do you mean?” You asked.

“I am silent, not oblivious. I see the interactions you and Kisame are having, and I am simply warning you. The world is not kind to the Akatsuki, and that is for good reason.”

A blush formed on your face as you crossed your arms in defiance. “I-I don’t know what you think you’re seeing, but you’ve got it wrong!” You glanced your eyes back to the end of the hallway, making sure that Kisame wasn’t listening, “I just think he’s funny!”

Itachi sighed audibly before turning into the bathroom. “Nonetheless, I appreciate your hospitality. Thank you.”

When you returned to the dining room, you found Kisame had taken all the plates to the kitchen and began washing them for you. You smiled at this and expressed your gratitude for what he had done, and he simply shrugged and said it was payment for a place to stay for the night.

“I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the floor,” you said. Your eyes glanced over to the floorspace in front of the couch, wondering to yourself if you had enough blankets to make the evening bearable for Kisame.

“Unless you’ve got space for me in that bed of yours, I’m afraid it’s my only option,” Kisame winked at you. You chuckled in embarrassment and ignored the obvious flirting, Itachi’s words echoing in the back of your mind.

“I’ll go bring out some blankets for you,” you smiled.

You scoured the house for every blanket you could fine, even considering removing the one on your own bed for Kisame. You piled them all on the ground and pushed some furniture aside to make room for the makeshift bed - it looked horrendous and uncomfortable, but you knew it was all you had. After all, it was either sleeping on the floor here or outside, where it would likely storm above them and destroy whatever shittily-built tent they had made. As you set up the bed, you had to remind yourself that you were currently housing two well-known killers. After spending the evening with them, it was hard to not feel compassion for the two - especially Kisame, who had somehow caught your interest.

“You did all this for me?” Kisame grinned at you playfully, his teeth reminding you once more that he was far more dangerous than you could ever realize. You nodded politely.

“I looted every closet in the house just for you, Kisame!”

After Itachi had entered the living room, Kisame took his leave to go get ready for bed. You were left alone with his partner, who took it upon himself to take a book off of your shelf in front of the fireplace and begin reading it on the couch. You noticed that he had also made himself a cup of green tea, and you wondered to yourself where he obtained the teabag from - you enjoyed tea, but green tea was the only one missing from your collection.

Kisame eventually returned from the bathroom, his attire having changed completely. Instead of the long and intimidating cloak he wore previously, he now wore a plain pair of grey sweatpants and a black tshirt. For the first time, you saw the rest of his body - his muscles were toned like no other you’d ever seen before, and the veins along his arm protruded just enough to catch your eye. A various amount of scars were also clear as day across his skin, hinting to a long history of kunai interception. All-in-all, though, Kisame was certainly very attractive.

You said your goodnights only a few minutes after Kisame returned, as you started to feel the effects of being awake so late. Your yawns became frequent enough that even Itachi had suggested you go to bed, and at that point, you were quick to listen to him. You shuffled down the hallway sleepily, said your goodnights, then promptly closed your door.

Two hours later, you awoke to a gentle knock at your door.

It was just loud enough to bring you out of your sleep, but certainly not concerning enough to fill you with any emotion besides the unfathomable rage you felt at being rudely awoken in the middle of the night for the second time.

“What?” You asked groggily as you opened the door, a hint of irritation very present in your voice.

“Sorry to wake you, sweetheart, but your floor is much harder than I thought it would be.”

Kisame’s voice penetrated your ears at a much louder volume than you liked, and you took a step back into your room. He continued talking. “Do you mind if I borrow some pillows?”

You sighed.

In your sleepy thoughts, you decided that the better course of action was to gently grab Kisames hand and drag him into the dark bedroom. You shut the door once more and then climbed into your own bed, pulling the covers aside for Kisame.

“Get in,” you mumbled, and Kisame remained standing at the door.

You glared at him, eyes barely open. “Get in before I change my mind and leave you to rot out there. I don’t have any more pillows.”

Kisame hesitantly climbed into the bed and pulled the covers over himself, careful not to disturb you in any way as he was already very aware that you were pissed off. When you rolled over and began hugging the blankets, though, he couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. You were already falling back asleep and clinging to a small stuffed animal in your arms.

“It’s so cold,” you muttered, and you scooted closer to Kisame. In the slowest movement possible, the man lifted the covers up and pulled them above you in an attempt to give you more heat. You shivered, though, and scooted closer. Your face was now almost buried in his side, and he couldn’t help but blush at the interaction. He silently thanked the heavens for the darkness. He decided it would be best if he rolled over so his back was facing you - this way, there was no chance that you would end up in a weird position.

He felt something pressing against his back and was about to turn around, but an arm snaked its away across his waist and rested loosely on his stomach. “Uh, Y/N,” he whispered, but you just hummed in response.

“Just go to sleep, Kisame, I’m too tired for this. You’re hot in many ways and I am fucking freezing, please just deal with it and shut up.”

Kisame chuckled to himself before he rolled back over, now confident in his ability after being given permission to touch you. He tapped you gently and pushed you a little as if in command to roll over, and you obliged. He then laid down fully and pulled you into his chest, now fully becoming the big spoon.

In the morning, you woke up to an empty bed. A piece of paper was sat on your nightstand, words written in horrible handwriting from your nighttime companion.

Y/N,

thank you for your hospitality.

and for your comfort.

we’ll be back in four days.

Kisame.

Four days later, you picked up some extra meat from the grocery store on your way home.

[kishimotomasashi]

@donotpercieveme123 taking this as permission 🫡

Whichever Team Taka ship I am most attached to at the moment is always in constant rotation in my head but recently I've found that out of all of them, Suigetsu and Sasuke developping a relationship (romantic in this case, but it doesn't necessarily have to be) appeals to me the most.

The way I think about their relationship is very situational, as in within an AU where after Sasuke kills Itachi he never learns the truth about him but also doesn't return to Konoha, choosing instead to travel along with Hebi. Everything I say is gonna be within that context, but I think you could fit this into an alternate post-canon ending with a few tweaks.

For starters, out of all the relationships Sasuke has with his team members, the one he has with Suigetsu feels a lot fresher; there's less past baggage attached to it, less expectations on the other end that puts him at a sort of imbalance with the other person. Juugo's loyalty to him is attached to his loyalty to Kimimaro and he does everything Sasuke asks, Karin is in love him and does pretty much the same (only with a side of carping), but with Suigetsu there's none of that. Sasuke freed him which Suigetsu agrees to owe him for, true, but aside from that they're on pretty equal footing from the start. Unlike Juugo and Karin, Suigetsu has other places he has ties to that aren't Sasuke, and he himself feels he has the personal freedom to leave at any time. Even in canon going back to Sasuke was a personal choice, not something he felt obligated to do (if he wanted to fuck off Juugo would've gone to find Sasuke alone), and when he found him again he was like "well if you're not gonna listen to me then I'm not listening to you? damn".

Putting this in a context where Sasuke sticks with the team he built but isn't leading it anymore since he'd accomplished the goal for which he'd built it for, Juugo and Karin still stick with him because they feel a personal need to because of their own feelings and Suigetsu can just up and leave if he wants to, I imagine we'd get Sasuke and Suigetsu's relationship evolving into a proper mutual transaction: you helped me with my brother, I help you find your swords because you'll have an easier time doing it with a team.

So now that they're on even footing, how does the actual "coming to like each other" thing happen? Well, for starters, in this AU or post-ending, Sasuke has less trouble thinking of bonds as actively dangerous to him, so it's easier to ease into them. And Suigetsu is the type of person Sasuke would have an easier time figuring out he enjoys the company of; he's not too up in his face, he's good to banter and back-and-forth with, he's not so competitive with him for it to be a sensitive spot.

(Also remember this:

2 things make Sasuke under-8-different-levels-of-repression--bc-he's-practically-planning-a-murder-suicide Uchiha smile in these chapters:

• Cats

• Suigetsu quipping

Really makes you think 🤔 this part isn't that serious)

What I'm saying is he's Sasuke's ideal type if he ever had to voice what his type would be. Give him just a few more months around him to settle and get comfortable with the idea that Feeling Attached to People is Okay again and he'll have fallen in love before he knows it.

On Suigetsu's end, there's both the growing attachment due to interactions that are pleasant and fun on both ends, and clearly Sasuke... represents something to him? Something he'd forgo his old home for, something he'd be willing to... well, say this about:

Which he honestly could've just said because he was in a silly goofy mood, but honestly after he went back to Sasuke being betrayed to give him the scroll for the perfected edo tensei and suggested they take over the world, makes me not want to entirely ignore the above panel.

(and yeah obviously the latter is the excuse Kishimoto came up with to reunite Sasuke with Taka as pure plot conveniences instead of characters to fully flesh out and people with a meaningful relationship to him, but I am within my right to make any interpretation that is Deeper than that as I personally want)

Final bit is that they're kind of in the same boat, regarding their old homes and having a complicated relationship with it. Despite having been literally kidnapped from it... Suigetsu doesn't appear to want to go back to Kiri any time soon, separating the age old tradition of the Seven Swordsmen from it. We all know why Sasuke doesn't want to go back to Konoha, and that applies with him knowing the truth or not. A lot of baggage in both places and yet they were once their homes, and I see them relating to each other a little on it.

TL;DR

I know writing long essays about your ships is Cringe nowadays but like I spent the entirety of yesterday thinking Thoughts about why SasuSui works for me (70% headcanons shooting off into specific AUs, 30% real canon basis, 100% self-indulgence) and am ready to go off if someone would have the kindness to humour me