#it's something I'm working on in therapy but it takes a while to overcome these things y'know

[thelastspeecher]

My reluctance to ask for more coverage at work vs my knowledge that I'll need more than one day to recover from jet lag after returning from vacation

FIGHT

[hexjulia]

this might be one of those things that only work for me specifically, but lately I've found that when executive dysfunction suddenly makes it hard to do things (and I'm really not talking about a "self-discipline" type issue here. Sometimes I suddenly find it hard to initiate anything; we're talking "simply move into a more comfortable position while working because this posture is uncomfortable" or "shower within the hour because I feel gross" type things) I can overcome it by doing everything but very....very slowly. Really just slowing down every movement. I don't know why it works, but after a certain point it gets my brain unstuck and the doing machine moving.

Sometimes it takes an 20 minutes of moving through molasses but after a certain point things become easy again. I think it has to do with being overwhelmed by sensory things maybe? and the very slow movements allowing for that to subside. Anyway just sharing in case it helps anyone because this is really not something I was ever taught in therapy.

[twilightt-fantasy]

fight or flight [aro volturi]

request: Can I request #3 and #13 with Aro Volturi and a human?

prompts: "take a deep breath" // "you're okay, i promise"

requested by: anon

warnings: panic attack

thank you for requesting!!

it had been building all day.

the familiar sensation of a panic attack had been on the brink of her mind all day, just waiting to spill out at the perfect time. she was hyperaware of everything, her fingers fidgeting, her knee bouncing, her breathing increased.

she couldn't tell what was causing it, but then again, she never could. anxiety was something she had struggled with for years, something she could never pinpoint a cause of, and something she still couldn't get under control.

no medication helped, or meditation, or therapy.

it made her feel utterly isolated.

the longer she was left alone with her thoughts, the worse she felt. she had spent most of her day exploring the castle with her guard, simply trying to keep the inevitable attack at bay. her mate, aro, was busy that day with trials and one thing she refused to do was call him away from his work - not for something as silly as this.

but now, she curled up in their shared bed, no longer able to bring herself to communicate with others. her thoughts were too occupied with her panic, her conversations stilted and drawn out because she couldn't focus long enough to pay attention to the topics being talked about.

she could feel her breathing grower faster, her heart beat picked up in her chest, and she sat up in bed, suddenly unable to sit still. her chest felt too tight as she swung her legs over the bed and stood quickly, needing to move instead of sit still. her vision was going dark, small black dots clouding her sight. hot tears slid down her cheeks, the wetness not helping with her fading vision.

the girl flinched when cold hands settled on her shoulders, unable to hear the words aro was speaking to her in her state of mind. she felt him lead her to the bed and push on her shoulders, forcing her to sit. "tesoro, tesoro, please listen to me."

his words broke through her thoughts and she drew in a harsh, wheezing breath. "i-i can't."

"you can, my darling. take a deep breath."

she drew in another breath, but it was still shallow and stuttered. a whine escaped with the exhale and she reached up, clutching her hair with her fingers. aro's hands moved to cover hers, this time pushing her head between her knees. he unwound one of her hands from her hair to place on his chest. "breathe with me, darling."

aro's chest began to rise and fall under her hand and she stilled for a moment, trying her best to sync her breathing to his own. his was slightly uneven, likely due to the fact that he didn't feel the need to breathe regularly. as her hand rose and fell with her mate's chest, she managed to break through the panic in her mind and focus more on him. he sat close to her, one hand still on top of her head while the other rested on his chest.

"you're okay, i promise." aro whispered, leaning forward to press a kiss to the back of her head. "you're doing great."

"i don't know what happened." her voice was still shaky and eyes were still wet.

aro's hand left her hair as she lifted her head and he instead moved to wipe her tears from her face. his lips were tilted into a kind smile, his eyes gentle and touch soft as he cared for his mate. "it's over now, my love. we know it's something that happens."

"i hate it." she sniffled, reaching up to catch another tear as it fell. "makes me feel so weak."

"none of that." the raven-haired king lifted her chin in order to meet her eyes, this time his expression stern. "you're not weak - you're very strong to be able to overcome your panic like that. resilient."

she looked doubtfully at aro, who only leaned forward to kiss her in order to silence any protest. "my strong mate." he murmured against her lips. "i'm proud of you for being able to overcome it. you should be too."

she didn't respond, instead leaning into his kiss again and closing her eyes. while she had a long way to go in order to overcome her anxiety and panic attacks, she was grateful to have such an attentive mate to help her through them every time.

[diagonal-queen]

omg what if i requested...

okay okay imagine: [character] taking a bath with you and its all cute but GOD DAMN WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY RUBBER DUCKS? like yalls are taking a bath and you just pull out the rubber ducks and dump them in the bath djfbdjdj YES SFW I WE DONT TOLERATE NSFW HERE

characters: ranpo, dazai, chuuya, poe, atsushi, [your favorites] SEPARATE! if you dont wanna do em all you can just do poe and ranpo lol also you can insert blue lock characters if you want to 👍

i want isagi so bad frfr ALSO HONKAI STAR RAIL CAELUS WHY ISNT ANYONE TALKING ABOUT HIM LIKE HELLO??? TRASH CAN BOYFRIEND??? HES SO HOT TOO? I WANT HIM TOO FRFR

i hope youre having a good day i am indeed alive!!

- nia

A NIA REQUESTTTTTTTTTTTT OMG YES

Rubber duckie, you're the one~

♡ pairing: Ranpo Edogawa, Dazai Osamu, Chuuya Nakahara, Edgar Allan Poe, Atsushi Nakajima, Mykola Hohol, Tecchou Suehiro x gn!Reader

♡ synopsis: You bring rubber ducks into the bath.

♡ cw: Swearing, nudity I guess??? It's not NSFW lmao but gotta cover my bases

note: HELLO NIA. I want you to know that I AM gonna be doing a BLLK version of this some time after I've finished this one. Also I don't know much about Honkai Star Rail but isn't Caelus basically like that game's equivalent of Aether from Genshin? I'm uncultured T-T These are just crack hcs lol uh yeah apologies for errors and I hope you enjoy x

Ranpo:

Bold of you to assume this mf didn't bring his own rubber ducks

The bathtub is overcome with your shared aquatic fowl. You two are having an absolute field day in there (and not like a regular field day, but like a Magic School Bus field day)

Maybe they have a war or something. Or maybe they establish a peace agreement and the two leaders of your different duck nations get married to form a union

You guys end up staying in the tub until the water is freezing

Honestly though, you probably benefitted from having a little while to both just indulge in childish behaviour without any judgement or consequences. And it was super fun so no regrets

After the first time you guys decide to start having shared baths every now and then when things get too stressful at work, so you could blow off steam in a harmless and fun way

But you two don't tell anybody. I mean Ranpo still brings rubber ducks to public bathhouses because he's just like that but nobody else ever finds out the true extent of your duck-related shenanigans

10/10 would recommend bubble bath rubber duck therapy w/ autistic manchild 👍

Dazai:

He didn't expect it, but he likes it!

Dazai probably never washes himself ever so he was already quite on board with the idea of having a bath with you (he gets to see you nakey and have clean hair for once? Like what a win)

Also I reckon he's the kinda guy who really enjoys bubble baths and plays with them and gets the bathroom all messy with the bubbles (me too Dazai)

So he was pretty hyped for this. But then you dump like fifty rubber ducks into the bath and NOW IT'S TIME TO GET FUNKY

Dazai has definitely never played with them before. He's amused with the way they float, with the fact that they make noise when you squeeze them, their big stupid eyes and everything about them

He initially wants to question why you have so many of them or where you got them from but then he just as quickly decides that he doesn't really wanna know the answer

Is he as invested in the ducks as you are? No, but he's very curious about them and finds it nice that you enjoy them so much

Probably wraps one in bandages and gives it to you so you're always thinking of him or smth 💀 (it's cute though)

Chuuya:

If Chuuya has run you a bath he probably intended for it to be romantic and relaxing

And then you bringed in the duckies

After a quick discussion you two do compromise on a romantic bath. With rubber ducks. And it honestly ends up being more perfect than either of you expected

He'd have been willing to just let you do your thing though because he just wants you to be happy but mans works too hard to pass up an opportunity to relax in the bath with you

So what ends up happening is you two just cuddle in the bath and talk about life and romance and stuff, and there's also ducks floating there, entirely out of place

Like Chuuya would have pulled out all the stops. Candles and wine and stuff, so like a pretty mature scene that does not accommodate for rubber ducks, and yet there they are

But he thinks it's really cute how into the ducks you are so he lets you keep them around

He would definitely buy you more rubber ducks in the future just to see you smile. Chuuya is down so bad for you 😌

Poe:

He's probably never even seen a rubber duck in his 1800s gothic anxietycore life

You might honestly have to explain what they are. He's like 'and they don't do anything? You just have them there for company?' and you're like 'yeah!' and he's just like

Poe would find one singular duck of yours and latch onto it. That one is his duck now and he would keep it nearby because it reminds him of you

Overall though he doesn't really get on board with it. Like after the first two minutes when the novelty fades he's like '...can we please remove them' lol

If you say yes then the bath then continues on exactly as expected. It's nice but Poe's a little insecure and shy (cuddle him pls)

If you say no then he's just gonna learn to deal with them. This man doesn't have the balls to set boundaries with you (ME TOO POE)

That being said, if Karl likes the ducks? ...oh boy he's straight up going to purchase an avalanche of them

It's really up to you whether or not the ducks catch on or not, Poe's just along for the ride whether or not he wants to be

Atsushi:

Help him

They didn't have rubber ducks in the orphanage, and Atsushi probably hasn't had a proper nice long bath in years. He did not want nor expect a horde of rubber ducks

But Atsushi loves you so much that he's willing to look past it. And the duckies actually grow on him by the time you guys get out the bath

He's always seen bathing as just that. A way to clean. But you're determined to introduce him to the wonders of bathtime and make up for the childhood he wasn't allowed to have

He mostly just goes along with you and doesn't really match your energy, but he absolutely loves seeing you so excited about the ducks

He would definitely like the idea of baths being a cute couply thing for you guys to do though so whether or not you got your ducks with you is honestly irrelevant

But you do. And so he accepts them as a part of being with you. In sickness and health or whatever idk nobody loves me lmao

Just make sure that you give Atsushi as much attention as you give to the ducks okay?

Mykola:

Mykola has literally never been happier in his entire life

This was the moment when he realised that you were the one for him. His soulmate, his one and only

He doesn't care how many ducks there are, he just cares that there's ducks. And that you're the one who bought them into the bathtub.

The pair of you wreak havoc on the bathroom. Like with Ranpo, y'all were just being a little playful. You and Mykola straight up destroy the whole room

You two spend hours in there coming up with names, extended backstories and lore of each rubber duck and it gets so complicated so fast

He would also give each one of them a different voice while you guys are messing around. Theatre kid moment

You've now given him the idea to just randomly present you with rubber ducks at any time, regardless of the scenario. Your collection grows tenfold due to this bastard and Fyodor is not pleased about it. Not when Mykola is interrupting DOA meetings with fucking ducks

The poor repair guys you hire to fix the bathroom...they're so confused T-T

Tecchou:

Straight up just does not react. This shit is a regular Tuesday for him

LET'S NOT PRETEND THAT HE DOESN'T OWN RUBBER DUCKS BECAUSE HE LITERALLY DOES I SAID SO

And he just lets them float there in the bath and pays no mind to them. Doesn't play with them, talk to them or whatever. It's just nice to have some silent, non-judgemental company sometimes

Tecchou doesn't strike me as someone who would suggest that you two take a bath together, so it was most likely your idea. He went along with it because relaxing in a steamy room with you sounded nice, but in reality you just wanted to show him the ducks

And though he might have seemed disinterested he was so happy to know that you and him had a similar interest

You two are so good for each other that way <3 (good = autistic I guess, because Tecchou is canon autism I decided)

So while you play with the ducks or whatever he just sits there content and watches you do so with a little smile. Probably calls you cute at some point entirely catching you offguard

You two make it a regular thing, but Jouno probably finds out somehow and it's just a whole other can of worms I won't go into rn

Taglist~ ♡ @gettinshiggywithit, @fedyushka, @flower-of-darkness, @bejeweledgirl

[steaming-system-takes]

IMPORTANT NON TAKE!!!

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️@/dissociative-misinfo IS SPREADING MISINFORMATION!!!!!!⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

They're saying final fusion is a way to "heal" a system. They did say that it doesn't go away, but that's not HEALED!!

They're saying people HAVE to source separate, which is NOT true!!

And they're also just being a dick-face to anyone who says otherwise!!! Please, please, PLEASE be careful when looking at their blog!!!!!!

Good morning (again), everyone. We have some down time in our second period, so I'm taking the time to address this.

As some of you have already pointed out, the blog mentioned is actively spreading misinfo while being extremely aggressive towards people with different views from them. The specific things I'll be talking about are in relation to one of their reblogs of a post on our blog claiming that any form of healing other than fusion/final fusion is "anti recovery". This is blatantly wrong.

Recovery is not set in stone, nor is it completely linear. No matter what condition someone has, they aren't going to recover and/or heal the same way others might. This can apply to any mental illness and/or disorder. Let's say two people are suffering from clinical depression, and both are taking antidepressants as well as going to therapy regularly. One of the two ends up being in therapy longer that the other, simply because the two individuals recover at different rates and in different ways. One may reach a point of recovery by spending time outdoors in natural sunlight more often, while the other reaches a point of recovery by interacting with family and friends more often. Both are recovering, despite their different ways of doing so.

The same logic can be applied to systemhood. For some systems, fusion is their way of recovering and healing. For others, fusion only causes them more stress, more hardships, which can very well lead to more splitting and a worsening mental state. Final fusion is not a cure-all for dissociative disorders. There is no such thing as a cure-all for anything. As a system, a large part of our healing stems from building connections between headmates and being able to rely on each other. When headmates fuse, there is a clear absence of the support they offered the rest of the system. Our headmates matter to us, so of course we react to fusions and dormancies the same way a singlet would react to the loss of a friend or family member. When me and my fellow headmates work together and support each other, we are healing. We're learning to make the most of this disorder and embrace it with positivity and optimism instead of dread and distaste. We're learning that we aren't alone, and that there is always someone we can lean on when we need it. We're learning to trust, which is something we've always struggled to do because of our trauma responses. For us, that is healing. However, we recognize and acknowledge that there are systems who heal and recover in different ways. That's okay. Trauma is deeply personal, and how you recover from it is entirely dependent on the individual. There's no right or wrong way to overcome trauma. Trying to force someone to do something they can't handle/aren't ready for/don't want isn't helping them. That is hurting them. That is anti-recovery, as you're actively reversing any progress they might have made.

As for source separation, that also entirely depends on the individual. We've talked about this on our main blog, but I'll summarize our points to make this easier on everyone. There are reasons that introjects may choose to source separate, and there are reasons they may choose not to. Both are equally as valid as the other. What an alter chooses to identify with/not identify with is no one else's decision but their own. No one has the right to strip someone of their own identity.

We've found out through a reblog from one of our followers that this blog is pro endo. For that reason, we'll be blocking this blog as this breaks our DNI. We encourage anyone else to block this blog as well to ensure none of you come across any harmful/triggering things yourselves. We haven't looked at any other posts from this blog, but we've seen warnings of their posts being paranoia inducing. Please stay safe out there <3

Okay! That was a lot! Thank you for bringing this to our attention, and thank you to the people who have reblogged these posts combating the spread of misinformation. Fortunately for you all, we have some hot takes lined up and ready to post for you! Thank you for bearing with me. I'll try to keep posts on this blog a little more lighthearted from this point on, but sometimes you need to sit down and talk about something serious ^^;

It's better than having Zack do it, I'll tell you that much /lh humor

Yours truly, Mod Green

[satureja13]

After eating those strange alien vegetables and fruits, Jeb left the crew mess. Jack and him are still alive. That's a relief. And it will help them to overcome the time until they are able to stock their supplies. Let's hope the cat creature likes the new diet too ö.Ö Since the communication system and some other crucial components are still not working, they just stayed on their route to Batuu. They have no access to their map data either and can't take any detours to buy what they need.

Sai was just caring for the Little Ones, when he spotted Jeb. They'd been avoiding each other since Jeb dropped the bomb that he'll never be able to properly woohoo Sai... But Sai is no one who gives up that easily: "Jeb. Wait!"

Sai: "We're not caged at the bridge anymore so we could resume our yoga practise in the 'meadow', what do you think?" Poor Jeb doesn't think at all. He doesn't even know if they are still resuming their relationship...

A little yoga didn't hurt anyone so he just went over to the meadow with Sai to meet the others. But there aren't any others... Two of them are always supposed to be on duty at the bridge and the other two are probably sleeping to be fit for their duty on the bridge... So it's only the two of them.

They silently started their practise. Silent until Skully started his record player:

'Whenever blue teardrops are fallin' And my emotional stability is leaving me There is something I can do I can get on the telephone and call you up, baby'

Sai didn't remember this song but he was delighted that Skully played something relevant and sweet for once.

'And honey I know you'll be there to relieve me The love you give to me will free me If you don't know the thing you're dealing Oh I can tell you, darling, that it's sexual healing

Let's make love tonight (Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up) 'Cause you do it right'

It's 'Sexual Healing' from Marvin Gaye! Delighted too early... Sai sighed. Why didn't they just leave Skully in that cave in the Therapy Game?!

It was hard letting go of all the thoughts and feelings that where torpeding them - just like letting clouds passing by... A new wave of Romantium permeating the air didn't make it easier either... But the Boys are practising yoga, meditation and tantra for so many months now, Sai and Jeb managed to remain in their realm of serenity even though the goats were also couriously gathering around them 🐐probably having their usual inappropriate chitchat about the Boys and their love life...

Jeb was aware that Sai also initiated a few of their tantra exercises. And so it was awkward again after they'd finished. How can Sai still want him after he destroyed his dream to loose his virginty to him? Or was it just one of their random exercise sequences and Sai didn't think anything by it? Sai: "You can shower in our quarters, I'll go over to Jack's."

Jeb was confused. Does that mean Sai moved out? He always wanted Sai to move in with him when they had their own places at their home. But Sai always refused. He needs a place of his own. And Jeb tried to understand. So it was to expect that Sai felt uncomfortable to live here together with him. Did Jeb make the right decision to start all over again with Sai. After all those times they broke up and got together again? It's all too painful for him. But how is he supposed to live without Sai? Wouldn't it be easier if both of them found someone who matched better?

If it only weren't so hard. Jeb shed a few tears and when he finally regained his composure and stepped out of the bathroom, Sai was standing there. Very close. Right before him. All beautiful and gorgeous. How could he have thought of leaving him just a few minutes before?! When he would gladly take each stab in his heart just to be near him.

Jeb: "Sai..." Saiwa noticed that Jeb doesn't call him 'Vanië' anymore for a while now, his term of endearment for him. (And the part of Sai's overly long name that means 'beauty/beautiful') Sai: "I'm sorry I freaked out. Jack and Ji Ho told me a while ago that you don't want to hurt me. I just didn't want to realize the full extent of it. But we can still make this so good for us, hm?" Jeb: "So - we don't break up again?" Sai: "What? No! I told you that I won't fail you again and we will make this work. I did everything I promised you and I improved. A lot. Look how I didn't complain once about being the captain of this crazy mission, hm? I improved." Jeb: "But I failed you. I can't give you what you crave."

Meanwhile the AC was doing a good job spreading the Romantium all around.

Sai: "Can we please stop overthinking this - us? I love you more than anything and I know you love me too. Let's just make this good for us. As good as we can. We are going to put all our effort in and be our best selves and that will do." Jeb: "Do you think this will be enough for you?" Sai: "I do and it will. I just want you. And I will show you how eager I am to make us work." Jeb was dazed. Maybe because of the Romantium. Or because Sai has this intoxicating effect on him.

And Skully turned the record player louder:

'Baby, I got sick this mornin' (heal me my darling, heal me my darling) A sea was stormin' inside of me Baby, I think I'm capsizin'(heal me my darling, heal me my darling) The waves are risin' and risin'

And when I get that feeling I want sexual healing Sexual healing is good for me Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us

Come take control, just grab a hold Of my body and mind, soon we'll be making it, honey I'll be feeling fine You're my medicine, open up and let me in Darling, you're so great, I can't wait for you to operate (Heal me my darling)

I can't wait for you to operate'

Sai started to kiss along Jeb's neck: "We will *kiss* work *kiss* so hard *kiss*. And it will *kiss* make us sweat."

And Jeb stopped thinking again. No thoughts about how weird it was. Sai going from 'NooooOOOOoooo!' to 'Don't worry, we will make it work' ... (You can thank Jack later ^^')

From the Beginning 🔱 Underwater Love 🔱 Latest

Current Chapter: starts ▶️ here Last Chapter: 'Here comes the Sun' from the beginning ▶️ here

📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 23-29

[cosmicjoke]

Hi, what made you focus so much on Levi’s disabilities post-war in your story? I like it. Most post-war stories ignore them. English is not my first language so sorry if the question sounds rude. I don’t know how to word it better.

Hi there,

you aren't being rude at all! Thank you for the question!

Well, in general with my writing, I tend to want to focus on more dramatic situations rooted in realism, and given we see Levi still using a wheelchair three years after the final battle, then it seems to me to be a permanent condition for him. People definitely tend to sweep Levi's post-canon disabilities under the rug, generally depicting him as able to overcome them with a little physical therapy and hard work, which is pretty awful, I think, given the way it both ignores the weight of Levi's sacrifice, the way he literally sacrificed his body to save lives, and also for the way it denies representation for disabled people in a mainstream and extremely popular character like Levi. It was pretty amazing for Isayama to take the recognized strongest and most popular character from AoT and make him visibly disabled by the end. I'm sure that meant a lot to AoT's disabled readers. So it's something I think should be acknowledged and recognized more overall, that yes, Levi is disabled by the end of the story, and that's okay. It doesn't make him any less of a hero or less cool or less interesting. It doesn't have any bearing on the things that make Levi so amazing to begin with. He's still Levi, and really, I view his disability as a physical manifestation of his heroism. Like I said before, he sacrificed his body to save lives, and that really encapsulates who Levi is and has always been. Someone totally selfless and willing to give everything of himself if it means helping others.

On top of all that, I just find it interesting to explore this idea of Levi having lost so much of the physical ability he once relied so heavily on and which so much of his sense of purpose was wrapped up in. Levi's always treated himself as a weapon, and has largely been treated as a weapon by those around him, too, but post-canon, he's lost that defining trait. This extraordinary physical strength that he felt such an overwhelming obligation to use for the benefit of others. So I think Levi probably struggles post-canon to find a purpose for himself outside of that strength, and that's what a lot of my story focuses on. He still has the desire to help people, but no longer has the ability to do so in the way he did before. So I find exploring that struggle interesting. Realistically, I think it probably took Levi a while to come to terms with being disabled and no longer being able to protect people the way he once did, with having to find new ways to help them, outside of that physical strength he had. I wouldn't be surprised if Levi felt, for a long time, like he had no place in the world anymore, with the loss of his physical abilities, since again, so much of his identity was wrapped up in that. It's sort of similar to how Levi lost so much certainty after the story's first time skip, after he lost Erwin, because he no longer really knew what use he could be without Erwin's guiding hand making use of his strength. Post-canon, he no longer even has that strength, and so those feelings were likely exacerbated, even.

So yeah, that's why I focus so much on Levi's disabilities post-canon, along with the fact it just makes for some good angst, lol.

Hope that answers your question, and thank you again for asking!

[selfcare-with-senshi]

ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧ Welcome!

This is a blog meant to help younglings (and elders) who struggle with proper selfcare. A well maintained body, mind and environment are crucial to a good life, and I'll be happy to help!

This is not a fandom blog! But I will occasionally share positive Dunmeshi things too :)

Senshi ✧ he/him ✧ 21+ ✧ diagnosed w. AuDHD and PTSD

One of the greatest things in life is that you can start over whenever you want. Right now, you can choose to make the change you need. To be the change. In this very moment, you can choose recovery. Today could be the first day of the rest of your life. Even if nobody came to save you in the past, or nobody taught you what you need to know, you can learn to be there for yourself now - and you're stronger and more capable than you may feel.

Your experiences weren't for nothing. They shaped you into who you are. And once you can learn to get along with the person you are, you've won at life.

I steer away from discourse, fandom drama and the like. I don't engage in callout or cancel culture. I don't have a DNI, but I block people when I notice they support any hateful ideology (for example homophobia, transphobia, racism, bullying, callout culture, anti-recovery, etc...) Please keep in mind that I'm not a professional, but I'm some guy out there who cares and wants to see you succeed.

Look after yourself! 🍞

divider by @/saradika-graphics. last updated - 28th of July 2024.

Do you have a problem, a request, or are you looking for something? Please read below! 🙌

I'm happy to answer ♥ Life Questions (for example, how to unfuck a depression bedroom, how to cook eggs, how to make a vet appointment...) ♥ Questions about Autism, ADHD, PTSD, and mental health (with the help of therapy resources or my own experiences) ♥ Venting (please with warning beforehand, a quick "CW vent" is enough!) ♥ Personal Questions ♥ Dunmeshi related things

But please keep in mind

♥ Please keep it sfw ♥ What I post and answer is my opinion, my experience, and doesn't have to work 100% the same for you! ♥ I have my own life outside of this blog and it might take me a while to respond. ♥ I can't answer every question. ♥ I reserve my right to refuse answering things and sharing information I'm not comfortable with.

Taglist

#senshis recipe book -> posts related to a healthy diet, properly handling/cooking/storing food, and overcoming eating disorders. Potentially triggering if you struggle with EDs, please be careful! #selfcare with senshi -> posts and reminders related to the 5 fundaments of selfcare - eating, drinking, sleeping, resting and exercise. #senshis first aid kit -> therapy resources, tools and reminders related to mental health and coping with the monsters of daily life.

#senshis adventurers bible -> posts related to survival, in summary. How to make phone calls, how to make appointments, how to tie knots...

#senshis infodump -> posts that don't fit into any of the categories. #the advice box -> answered asks #senshi speaks -> personal posts #lower levels -> venting catch-all tag

If you need something tagged, please feel free to shoot me a message or an ask (`･ω･´)ゞ

[collapsedglasshouses]

An Angel For Noah || Noah Sebastian x OC [Part 10]

DIVIDER ART WORK BY @cafekitsune

PAIRING: Noah Sebastian x Jules [she/her]

MASTERPOST

SUMMARY: Jules and Noah finally face their difficulies, leading to them letting down their guards.

WARNINGS: ANGST, NSFW, MDNI, fingering, unprotected sex (p in v) [does it even count as unprotected, she is a fucking guardian angel idk], even more angst, swearing, mentions of mental health issues, mentions of death, ...

A/N: I cried. A lot. :) Also! I'd like to dedicate this chapter to @crimson-calligraphyx because I accidentally gave Jules' best friend her name in the exact same spelling as her own name! ALSO... this is not proofread... i'm sorry about that ._.

TAGLIST: @trvshdxddy @blackveilomens @crimson-calligraphyx @measuredingold @cncohshit @signs-of-ill-portent @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @ada-clarence @wild-child-7747 @thebadchic @thescarlettvvitch @cookiesupplier

Keep in mind, this takes place in an alternative universe. Even though I write about real people, the way I write them has nothing to do with how they are in real life.

“What am I doing?” Jules asked herself while looking at Noah’s sleeping figure. It’s been three hours since he had finally fallen asleep and Jules felt numb. Her heartbeat took some time to slow down a bit, but her mind was still racing as fast as it gets. She couldn’t get the image of him trying to climb over the balcony railing out of her head. She knew he wasn’t doing well but she didn’t realize it had been that bad. He needed help she couldn’t give him.

Every time she considered a strategy to help him, she couldn't follow through with it. The idea of merely returning to exist in his shadows appeared more impossible than ever. All of her past actions seemed like a lot of bad decisions. The fact that she now also had promised him to talk about the situation and see him again, made her feel even more at unease.

Her gaze remained fixed on Noah, and she felt a wave of nausea. It seemed impossible to get herself out of the situation. She didn’t want to leave him; he needed support, and she was determined to find a way to help him overcome his misery.

TWO WEEKS LATER

When Noah opened the door to his room, a deep sigh escaped him. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced than usual, and he found himself in a state of uncertainty. It had been a while since he last saw Jules. She didn't come to talk to him as she had promised, and although he yearned to resolve things, he understood it might be for the best.

He had phoned his therapist as soon as he woke up and made an appointment for after the tour. After that he went on and did his best. He performed as good as he could and even though the tour had been successful he was more than glad that it had ended.

His therapy session had just ended and now he didn't really know what to do. He was angry with himself that he let his intrusive thoughts get a hold of him back than but when he was being honest with himself he was even more disappointed that Jules didn't show up as she promised.

When he sat down at his desk, his phone suddenly vibrated.

ONE NEW NOTIFICATION FROM SADIE

He hadn't heard from her since that night he almost had a car accident while driving to her.

Sadie: What's up? You wanna meet up?

Noah stared at the message and began to bite the inside of his cheek. It wasn't like he didn't like her or something but since he met Jules, he hadn't thought of Sadie even once.

He sighed before laying down his phone again. This was dumb. He was acting dumb. He had this really nice girl waiting for him and he would have the advantage of getting rid of some stress, but he preferred to sit there and mourn his damn guardian angel. He wasn't even remotely sure what he was hoping to get out of it.

So, he stood up and grabbed his jacket and right as he was about to leave his room, he felt a hand on his shoulder and simultaneously his anger level seemed to explode.

"You can't be serious?" He blurted out and spun around to look at Jules. She looked terrible, if he could even say that. If she would still have been alive, he would have said she hadn't slept in a while.

"Noah-..." - "No! No fucking 'Noah'." - "I-..." - "Shut up, you didn't talk then and now I don't want to hear your excuses!"

He tried to turn around but Jules grabbed both of his shoulders to make him look at her. "You know damn well how difficult this whole thing is" Jules exclaimed and tried to suppress her tears.

"No, Jules. It isn't really difficult to just show up and talk." He answered her, ignoring his desire to touch her.

"You seem to forget who the fuck I am, Noah! I'm not even supposed to be here." She snarled at him.

"Then go." Noah answered coldly before getting out of her grip and storming of. He didn't even stop when he passed Nick who gave him a confused look.

He didn't allow him to think anything until he drove out of the drive way. Screams from the music echoed through his car as he gribbed the steering wheel harder. He couldn't believe this whole fucked up shit was happening as if he didn't already have enough to deal with.

When he left the neighborhood, he suddenly felt at unease and could just roll his eyes. "This isn't working, Jules. I'll still leave."

Nobody answered him. He was furious.

His knuckles slowly began to turn white from his hard grip on the steering wheel as he suddenly let out a frustrated groan and turned around as soon as he saw the last gas station before he would reach Sadie's house.

“Fuck off.” Noah shouted into the darkness. He couldn’t believe how much Jules had him in his grip. The last couple of days he tried his utter best to clear his head, get things sorted out, work on the problems that already consumed his mind, but Jules was the one thing that never left him. He couldn’t escape her, and he hated her for that.

“You need to stop, Jules.” He screamed and still, there was no answer. So, when he re-entered the house and stormed to his room, he was about to trash his room when he saw Jules sitting on his bed, staring at the wall.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He screamed at her, causing her to flinch.

“What are you talking about?” She wanted to know, not even caring to look up at his angered face. She really didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Oh, come on, Jules.” He answered her and started pacing up and down the room. He needed to let go. He needed to get rid of his piled-up frustration.

She slowly stood up from his bed, her eyes following his wandering figure. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what he wanted. But she knew her following spiteful comment didn’t ease the tension. “Enjoyed your trip?”

Noah stopped in his tracks. “You can’t be fucking serious, Jules.” – “Care to explain your psychotic outburst?”

When Noah looked at Jules like that, he didn't realize how exhausted she appeared.

Instead of answered her, he began to shake his head unamused. “You know exactly what you did.” – “You’re insane.” – “OF FUCKING COURSE… I’m talking to my fucking guardian angel who seems to have a great jealousy issue.”

Jules' brow furrowed as she processed what Noah had just yelled at her. His eyes sparkled with a slight hint of madness. A couple of seconds passed, before Jules finally realized what Noah was trying to tell her.

“You think I made you turn around from your booty call?” Jules wanted to know from him.

“I don’t think it, I know it and I need to know why.” Noah answered her and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Jules blinked a couple of seconds and felt a wave of relieve wash over her. “I hate to break it to you, Noah… But I wasn’t even following you.”

Jules looked into Noah’s eyes and saw how confusion washed over him. He wasn’t sure what he should believe anymore. He let out a frustrated sigh before he sat down at the edge of his bed, Jules eyes following him with concern.

"Why didn't you talk to me like you promised?" He asked her after a couple of minutes of silence, his eyes finally meeting hers.

Jules' heart sank at his broken frame. She didn't know what to say. She knew she had been a coward but she just wanted him to forget about her.

"This is all so confusing, Noah. I feel like we always run in circles." She breathed out and sat down next to him. "I think it would be best for me to just go back into your shadows, Noah. I'm making your live even harder than it already is."

Noah, deciding to ignore her statement, turned his upper body to her, "You need to tell me something, Jules."

She looked into his dark brown eyes which sparked with curiosity. Every time she dared to glance at him like that, she felt like she was going to crumble under his gaze. "What is it, Noah?" Her voice was not more than a whisper, both of them scared to ruin the moment like they did so often in the past.

"Did you feel it, too?" He calmly wanted to know and Jules heart rate increased rapidly. He didn’t even have to explain what he exactly meant.

If she felt it too? Of course, she did. Of course, she felt how their hearts aligned the first time their eyes met. Of course, she felt how she wanted nothing but to be close to him. Of course, she felt it too.

But Jules also knew she couldn’t just say that.

Noah's eyes never left hers. He wouldn’t let this go again. He needed to know if he really was going crazy. He noticed how Jules began to pick the skin around her finger nails and decided to step in. He carefully grabbed her hands. Again, there was this wave washing over him, every time he got to touch her.

And of course, she felt it too. But she didn’t know what to do. She knew, if she would talk, there was no way out of this anymore. Even less than before.

Noah, in the mean time, realized what her answer would be, giving her shift in demeanor. But he needed to hear it from her.

"Don’t make this harder than it already is, Noah." Jules whispered, both of them still getting lost in each other’s eyes.

"So, you felt it too." Noah exclaimed, not letting go of the subject.

Jules swallowed hard. She wanted to be strong. She wanted to let Noah go, but when he looked at her like that, their hands still intertwined, she felt like she was about to explode.

"Say it, Jules." Noah demanded, "Say it and I’ll let you go."

Jules' ears were ringing. Her cheeks were burning and the slight tint of Noah’s cheeks gave away, he was feeling the exact same thing.

"You promise?"

Noah nodded.

"I thought, I lost you." Jules than let out, causing Noah to raise his brows while Jules felt her tears coming up. "I-… I thought, you would do it, Noah. I had this gut-wrecking feeling that you would die…"

Noah swallowed hard.

"If that was the feeling Keaton felt when I was hit by that car… I-… I don’t wanna feel that every again… It felt like I was dying again." She explained while tears fell down her cheeks. Noah wanted to wipe them away but he decided against it, fearing he would lose her again.

Jules squeezed his hands harder.

"When I saw you making an appointment with your therapist and doing rather well after I left that night… I just didn��t want to disturb you again." Jules explained, only interrupted by her own cries.

Noah's heart sank. He knew he wasn’t doing well and he did everything he could to change that again but seeing her so broken because of his action made it even worse for him. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her and yet it seemed it was the only thing that brought them together. Hurting each other…

"I'm supposed to help you when you are in trouble. Prevent you from bad things but I feel like I’m the trigger to get you to do bad things and that’s just because I was so dumb to show myself." She rambled on, feeling a sense of relief from finally letting go of her thoughts. Noah's eyes became watery.

"But the biggest mistake was to let you touch me, Noah, because-…" Jules stopped mid-sentence, in hopes she could calm herself down, but nothing helped. The tears were flowing like there was no tomorrow.

"Tell me, Jules." Noah asked with a raspy voice from trying to hold his tears back.

"Because we both know this was the moment there was no going back." Jules whispered and sniffled quietly. Her gaze fell down to their hands, both of them holding each other with such force, as if one of them would explode into the nothingness.

Noah slowly let go of one of her hands and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Than he placed his hand under her chin to make her look at him. This was enough for Jules.

Everything she desperately wanted to keep from him broke out of her.

"I don’t even know if these feelings are real…" Jules let out and stopped in her tracks again. Noah gave her an encouraging look to go on.

"I feel so alive with you… You make me feel alive, Noah." She whispered and stared into his brown eyes.

For a couple of seconds, they just looked at each other, both processing what Jules had just said. And than… Noah broke.

"You're someone worth staying alive for, Jules."

Jules blinked for a second, trying to fight the urge of getting closer to Noah, but Noah took the decision from her when he mumbled "Fuck it..." and not even a second later grabbed Jules face and let their lips connect.

As their lips met, the scent of his cologne enveloped Jules, making her head spin with desire. Noah felt exactly the same. The warmth of her kiss spread through him like a comforting blanket on a chilly night.

For a second, both of them forgot how fucked up their situation was. They just pretended they were two adults, connect by fate. It was a bittersweet exchange, a mixture of longing and fulfillment that lingered in the air.

Their bodies gravitated toward each other, closing the distance as if pulled by an invisible force. Soon, Jules was being pulled onto Noah's lap and let her arms fall around his neck, while he grabbing onto her waist as if she would vanish any second.

Nothing even compared to the sensation Jules felt in that moment. Noah was the only thing on her mind and nothing was going to stop that. It felt like she only existed for this exact moment. To be close to him, to be held by him. All of his was new for her but she felt this deep need to get even closer to him.

For Noah, it felt like he had eaten the forbidden fruit. He had been in situations like this before but nothing in the world was able to compete with the feelings that washed over him, while his lips collided with Jules'.

When they finally pulled away, the air between them crackled with a newfound energy, the unspoken promise of what was to come. Their eyes met, a silent conversation passing between them, unlocking emotions that had long been hidden.

Jules' lips were red and puffy, while Noah's hair was even wilder then it had been just a couple of minutes ago.

Moments of silence passed between them, both getting lost in each others eyes.

Right as Noah was about to break this silence, Jules became bold. She closed their distance again, not being able to stand even a slight loss of contact with Noah. She felt her heart beating so fast that she was convinced for a second that she was in fact still alive.

She tried to push her thoughts of the future away as Noah's hands slipped under the plain shirt she wore. Jules shivered under his touch.

Even though Jules had no idea what she was doing, she let her feelings get a hold of her and began kissing down Noah's tattooed neck. She felt like she was going to explode when she heard his heavy breaths. Her hand grabbed the base of his hair without a second thought when Noah suddenly thrusted his hips up.

Jules moaned out in a mix of confusion and arousal. She couldn't believe this was really happening. She never made anyone feel the way Noah felt right now.

Noah pushed her slightly against him when she lifted her head again to look into his love drunk eyes.

"Are you okay?" Noah mumbled out, waiting for Jules' consent to the situation.

Jules looked at him for a short second before nodding frantically. She needed more. She needed Noah.

When she tried to kiss him again, he slightly backed away, a smirk on his face. "Use your words, Jules."

"I'm-..." Jules struggled to get out, "I'm more than okay, Noah."

Their lips connected again in a heated kiss and seemingly everything went fast, just like their whole relationship.

They helped each other out of their shirts, before Noah turned them around, hovering over the angel in front of him. He tried not to think about the fact that he was in fact making out with a somewhat ghost.

Jules was real to him. Jules was everything he needed right now.

He planted some soft kisses on her skin and felt how his lips began to prickle. This felt so unreal to him.

"You look so fucking beautiful." He breathed out while letting his hands run over her upper body. Jules felt goose bumps forming all over her skin. She couldn't quite comprehend how she was the angel in their position when every single touch of his felt so godlike.

“I-… I feel like I need more.” Jules said quietly even though it came out more like a desperate plea.

Noah’s hand traveled up to her breast slowly, pinching her hardened nipple for a short second. He didn’t miss how Jules thrusted herself against his thigh for a short second.

“Does it feel good?” Noah breathed out with a faint smile on his face before kissing Jules’ cheek.

Even though Jules had little to no experience, she noticed how he tried to tease her, but she wasn’t able to mock him back. She needed him so bad.

Jules whined out Noah’s name. “It feels so good.”

Noah kissed her deeply, quickly involving his tongue to get a taste of her. Jules couldn’t help but moan into his kiss loudly. Noah loved it, getting addicted to every precious noise he brought out of Jules. Just when Noah brought his knee between her legs, Jules swore she was about to die again. She couldn’t believe this whole thing was even better than she read in her little novels back when she was living in her small flat. Although their kisses slowed down a bit, their actions didn’t.

Jules shyly let her hand travel down Noah’s body, finding its way on his hardness. Noah felt like he was going to explode.

“God. Where did you learn that?” He moaned out in surprise, still not quite processing what was happening while Jules’ moves let him sink deeper into his delusion.

“You know? Reading books can help.” Jules smiled into the kiss, noticing how she got even wetter at his exclaim.

Her hand gripped him harder.

Noah let out a deep moan as he kissed down her neck and moved the hand that was previously placed on her breast down her stomach. Shortly they found their place on her clothed core. It didn’t take him long to push through the waistband of her shorts and she started to lightly massage her clit.

“Holy.” She moaned into his mouth while arching her back.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” Noah whined out, causing Jules to giggle.

“And here I thought I was a reason to stay alive for.” She whispered out with a smile, causing Noah to tease her wet entrance with his fingers before going back to her clit again. Noah smiled at her aroused expression.

“You’re going to be the death of my piece and mind.” He corrected himself, before Jules let go of his hardness to help him get her out of her last pieces of clothing.

Looking at his angel in all her glory was mind blowing to Noah. He was sure he felt his cock twitch in excitement when he looked at her beauty. It felt like she was glowing, and Noah just craved her taste even more.

But he wanted to take it slow. He didn’t know if this was the last time. He didn’t know if they were going back to their weird state of knowing about each other but ignoring their connection at the same time. He would do everything in his power to burn these images in both of their heads.

He circled her clit faster and faster as he leaned forward to kiss Jules deeply. He swallowed every moan of her as he felt himself get more and more aroused.

Then, for a moment, he stopped and looked the girl under him in the eyes, asking for silent consent. Jules slightly nodded; her mind clouded with the man in front of her.

“Please.” Jules groaned as she felt his fingers sink into her deeper and deeper.

“You’re so tight, I can barely fit my fingers in.” Noah teased the girl as he, again, kissed her neck.

Jules gripped Noah’s hair tightly as she pushed herself down on his hand. It was a brand-new sensation for her. It wasn’t like she hadn’t touched herself during her lifetime, but feeling Noah’s fingers inside of her felt like she was meant to be his.

Noah quickened his pace, while his other hand found it’s way to her cheek, caressing it with softness. Her moans echoed through the room, and he wanted nothing more but to record them and play them over and over as if it was his favorite song.

Jules leaned forward to catch Noah’s lips again. Jules didn’t know what had come over her but everything just felt so good and right.

“Fuck, you are perfect.” Noah muttered into the kiss. “Please… Please come for me. You can do it.”

And Jules did. The words and moans that come out of her mouth nearly made Noah come on the spot. She barely had the strength anymore to tell him how good he made her feel while she began shaking in pleasure. All she could do was running her fingernails over his bare back.

For a couple of seconds, Jules just whimpered in ecstasy.

“Your voice is my favorite sound.” Noah whispered and peppered kisses on her cheek as she came down from her high.

All Jules could do was capture Noah’s lips in another kiss, showing her gratefulness to share this moment with him. The kiss became deeper as she wrapped her arms around him, catching him in a firm embrace. She couldn’t let go of him.

Noah let it happen. He also slung his arms around her as if life depended on it. But hugging each other seemingly didn’t do enough anymore.

“Again…” Jules mumbled into his shoulder, causing Noah to widen his eyes. “I need you.”

“Shit… You really want to?” Noah asked, making sure he wasn’t dreaming right now. He lifted his body up slightly, to look her in the eyes.

“I need to feel you, Noah.” Jules whined and left the man over her speechless.

Fuck.

Noah needed to calm himself down. He was already so close to letting go of himself, when he simple looked at his angel. Even now, with the remains of their shared moment hanging in the air, he wondered how it would feel to be inside of her. That’s when he allowed himself to think about the fact that Jules was in fact not a person wandering this earth. He was kind of sleeping with a ghost… Or going insane… Probably both.

“We don’t need t-…” – “I want to, Noah.”

Noah let out a deep breath, nearly unable to ignore his own lust. Jules noticed the conflict going on in his head and quickly came to his rescue. She captured him in a sweet and soft kiss.

“I promise. I want this.” She muttered against his lips. “I want to be close to you. Do you want to?”

Noah nearly crumbled because of her words. Of course, he wanted her. So badly.

Noah swallowed hardly before deciding to let go. He quickly got out of his clothes, giving Jules almost no time to look at his beauty, before coming back to her, kissing her with such force, she nearly moaned again.

He placed himself between her open legs, thrusting his hardness against her pussy a few times, while analyzing her reaction with great interest. Jules took in every second she had with Noah. She was willing to do nothing else for the rest of her weird existence.

If Jules hadn’t already corrupted every little space of Noah’s thoughts, she would have done it now. Everything he could feel, taste, sense… It was Jules. Everything was Jules.

Jules shyly reached down to grab his erection and ran her hands up and down for a couple of times. Noah meanwhile began to shake under her touch. “It feels so good.”

His words hypnotized Jules as she circled her hand over his tip and stroked it a few more times. She would have never thought everything would lead to this moment. Jules felt her heat throb before moving her hips slightly upwards to guide his hardness into her.

Just the tip sinking into her, made both of them moan out. For a moment, Noah stayed still as he watched the woman move her hips even more to give him better entrance. Inch by inch, his cock sank into her, their breaths and whines echoing through the room as he stretched her out.

Noah begged this wasn’t just a dream. It felt more real than anything ever before.

“You’re taking me so well, angel.” He breathed out before placing a small kiss on her lips.

“You feel so good.” Jules answered him and looked into his eyes lovingly.

With that he finally thrusted into her. Everything aligned in that moment. All the moments they shared, all the fights, all the difficulties, all the feelings. Everything felt like it happened to bring them to this moment. It was as if they were the only to individuals existing in that moment. Sweet words were whispered into the heavy air of the room as the both of them gave each other exactly what they craved. Each other.

“Keep going. Noah. You feel so good.” Jules whisper shouted.

“God…” Noah moaned. “I love this so much.”

His pace became faster.

Without even thinking, Jules let out her next words. “I wanna feel your cum.”

Noah’s whole body prickled at her words. He couldn’t form words anymore, everything was hazed with the emotions he felt for her. He loved her. He loved being with her. He craved her.

Jules moved to meet his thrusts. Noah bit his lip. “You’re taking me so well.”

Jules kissed him again, feeling like she had never felt more emotions at the same time in her life.

“That’s it. Let go, Jules.” Noah grunted, making sure to give Jules her time. He was hitting all the perfect spots.

His thrusts became harder, while he captured her hands above her head, getting even better excess. They moaned in sync. It was their final straw.

They both came with a loud moan, his cum spilling inside of her with each thrust. For a few moments, their heavy breaths were the only thing that filled the room. Both coming down from their highs with a few kisses, all filled with the silent confessions of love.

When Noah caught his breath again, he kissed Jules again. “You are so fucking beautiful.”

“So are you.” Jules answered him with a sweet smile while she gazed over his face. He was in fact so beautiful. From his dark brown eyes that held so many secrets, to the small freckles plastered over his face.

Slowly, Noah let himself fall into his bed, cuddling into her side immediately.

Jules, meanwhile, stared at the ceiling of Noah’s room, while her thoughts began to flow her brain. This actually happened. She, an individual dangling between life and death, had sex with the person she was supposed to guard. But he wasn’t just any person. He was Noah. Her Noah.

It took the two a couple of minutes, maybe an hour to finally speak up again.

“You don’t even know how much you mean to me.” Noah whispered out and brushed a strand of her out of her face. His anxiety had also caught up to him, but he tried to ignore it for a second longer while laying there.

Jules bit her lip. Her heart skipped a beat at his words, even though she tried to function normally again. “I can’t even describe what you mean to me.”

She turned to look into his eyes. She quickly noticed they both knew what was eventually going to happen now.

“One night.” Noah whispered in a pleading tone. “One night, where we don’t think about it.”

Jules swallowed hard. She knew it was going to end rather soon than late. She didn’t want it to but she knew it had to go this way. So, she nodded.

“One night.”

With that she leaned forward and kissed him again. She kissed him with such force, he wouldn’t have any chance to miss what she was trying to say.

After that, they got even closer to each other, letting each other embrace the love they shared for a moment…

One night…

PART ELEVEN

[zeondraws]

I always wonder why I have been so busy the past months but then I remember all the things I'm doing with SWTD:

(this is more of a thought post about my life/thoughts/feelings than a lore post! Ignore if you are not interested in this, I don't mind)

Taking Screenshots

Multiple recording sessions (for audio or funny moments, and so on)

Multiple playthroughs of the game

Doing an AU for some reason

Drawing the characters (much art)

Also learning how to use procreate, while my big tablet is packed away until November

Working on a video project

Learning how to use OBS

Datamining the gamefiles for more info with fmodel

troubleshooting fmodel because it's showing me the middle finger for the billionth time

learning how to use a dumper to get mappings file (to view files in fmodel)

learning how to install mods and learn how to use them

troubleshooting my pc or laptop because of my silly shenanigans

rebuilding the models in blender while simultaneously watching blender tutorials to understand what the hell I'm doing

read about TCR's other games and play them (I still have to play Little Orpheus)

Trying to research movies or any blogpost/YouTube posts regarding the game

Other types of research that I can't think of right now

Sharing results with others and discuss the findings to figure lore out

confusedscreaming.mp4

????

It has a lot of reasons why I am super determined and stubborn? when it comes to something I'm passionate about. (It's really hard to explain)

Family always dismissed my hobbies and didn't support me much for them. They often gave me false promises and made me wait for nothing

Often treating me like a baby, as if I can't think for myself. I had to fight a lot for my passions the past decade or so. Even dealing with a former coworker who was very manipulative and tried very hard to belittle me.

I can't even explain all the stress I had to endure because of my old job. Constantly monitored for mistakes, constantly shoved to a corner, freedom taken away, bullied, my feelings had been manipulated so much that I just.. had entire months where I cried every single day. And I'm not even kidding, I went to work in fear, I walked home in fear, I woke up in fear. I still remember that evening where I was so afraid of everything. I was so scared to even be in my apartment, I just balled my eyes out because it was too much at that moment.

Only thing that kept me going was my determination, hope.. daydreams. . and seeking out help (therapy, friends) and using the anger I felt for my coworker to work on my art/passions and show myself that I'm not worthless.

Sometimes my coworker would treat me badly on some days, so after I went home I used my anger and sadness to make art. Even if I sat there drawing for 5h. It did help me to improve a ton in my skills.

I think that event made me go through this journey of? self reflection and growth. It's wild how much happened after that.

Family wasn't helpful in this painful time period, one told me I'll end up alone, that I shouldn't talk to people online or that I should be happy to have a job (Talking to family is like talking to a wall). Or another family member who tries so hard to treat me like an object.

It fills me with anger, but they're all I've got. I thankfully have many friends I can go to when needed, but I wouldn't be able to fully abandon my family. It's probably because I felt so down when my mother passed away over two years ago. I haven't talked to her in years because of her mental condition, but her passing hit me badly.

I have struggled for a while to work on other skillsets because I was too afraid, doing videos, blender, drawing humans idk why, maybe no confidence in myself to try it out

.. Suddenly swtd gets released and my head does a 360 and is like "I'm going to learn all of this now, hold my bear". Using my obsession about this game to learn something new, which helped me overcome so many hurdles. Like the amount of times I threw myself out of my comfort zone while I tried to fiddle with the game.

Like, look at the difference in my human art

This is the first time I drew Muir like.. I forgot when I drew this, two months ago?

And then like this is from a few days ago

... *compares* I don't know how to explain the difference, I think there is one-

Like,. It's hard to compliment myself because of the sheer amount of stress I endured over the year. I've been out of the old job for 3 weeks now. I'm so glad I'm out of there.

I remember how I always wanted to draw an entire dragon, not just a bust. And look I ended up drawing one!! Ok with Roper's head but yea!

I think family difficulties and other events made me feel very detached from others. I never felt/feel like I belong anywhere. I moved so often that this feeling persisted. And it may persist for who knows how long. I only recently got a diagnosis, I have a form of depression, but it's somewhat mild. Hence why I'm still able to perform in daily tasks and work. Tho I don't want to use my condition as an excuse, I rather just want to show that I'm capable of something. That even people who struggle mentally can find success in what they do.

Life throws so many hurdles but I think I am slowly used to living in the chaotic environment. I keep drawing and work on my hobbies while I wait to move apartments.

I try very hard to change my mindset even tho my mind had been so used to the negative spirals. But I try to stay determined and keep on learning. I am not all knowing and I need to remember that mistakes are ok and that I need them to keep learning and have progress.

I've been pushing aside so many thoughts while I messed with the game. Even tho it's 2AM I needed a quiet moment to think about it all.

I am very open with my thoughts and feelings, it's what I usually do on my Instagram account when I post my art.

Tomorrow is another day to learn something new.

[autisticlee]

I did my first case manager meeting to try to get help for autism/disability. we talked about what I need/what she can help me with and about goals for us to meet.

I guess her job is to work towards helping me ~improve my skills and become independent to where i no longer need help~

anyone else have a case manager? is that standard?

because....the problem is I AM technically independent now. I never get help or support and have been forced to do things alone my whole life despite how overwhelming and frustrating and exhausting it is. it's too hard and takes too much out of me. things never go right or get worse and it takes me so long to recover from simple/normal things

so I think I need constant help to make things easier because my issues aren't really things I can work on improving, that im aware of. pretty sure they're things i'm stuck with for life. I can't make my autism go away fbbdhhfhdjdd

that's how all these types of things seem to work. all the help/support things are always meant to be temporary. it's "work to improve so you don't need help anymore" rather than just getting the help and support you lack and need so you can have a more stable life and easier time when your disability is for life 😭 like how physical therapy is "get your injury better so you no longer need pt" and not "manage your life long condition and keep it monitored so it doesn't get worse"

so I think I still need to trick someone into being my life partner to help me through life lmao but she said she can help me find local things to go to and try to make connections and meet people so maybe I can trick people into being my friends and doing things for me fhfhddgdhjsskI

know her job isn't like long term take care of me and my issues but that's what I feel I need. I don't think I can train myself to make phone calls easier, train my auditory processing and sensory issues away, mask my autism away, etc. so what do I do? try to improve these things anyway and burn out even more like last time i tried to appear "more independent" while trying to get some help?

this is the only "autism help/support" available at all! and it's not even autism specific. the lack of help and support for autism is appalling. she explained her job and services are for people with mental health disorders like anxiety to give them skills and make them more confident and independent. autism isn't a disorder that can be overcome. so....?????? idk I just try anyway I guess? I have no other options 😭

I was told a case manager is supposed to help coordinate with places for me like make phone calls/appointments, go to appointments to communicate to doctors for me. but she says she can do that, but ultimately her job is to teach me how to do it myself. I know how in theory since i've been forced to do everything for almost 15 years with no help. but I just struggle and nothing goes right and I keep burning out so fast and so intensely that I completely lose even simple skills like showering regularly 😭

guess I misunderstood how it's supposed to work or something and not sure how to approach it besides try to force myself to learn how to not be overwhelmed and overstimulated and bad at everything?????

anyone else, autistic especially, do case management and have advice? want to share your journey? how did it help you? did it improve your struggles? did you gain the ability to do things alone easily like make phone calls and drive and process conversation and remember words and control burnout and sensory overload?

[eretxskullcrusher]

My silly opinion about....

Why Eret and Skullcrusher were so perfect for eachother!

•Skullcrusher already having a rider (Stoick-R.I.P-)

Since Skullcrusher had a rider before,he knew exactly how to work with this slow-learning,not trusting dragons type of person. He works slowly,step by step, building a level of trust from almost nothing. This comforts Eret,who is anxious as fuck (for the first weeks),it teaches him to feel safe and have faith in his dragon.

•It was love at first sight

After the final battle,when Eret approached Hiccup to congratulate him, Skullcrusher doesn't lose a moment. He immediately goes next to him, nudging and sniffing him, looking specifically at his hand. He watches over his reaction. Eret doesn't know how to react at first,but when he looks at him.. A wide smile appears on his face. He reaches his hands towards the dragon, slowly and steady. And Skullcrusher doesn't back away, because he wants to be touched. When Hiccup sees this,he understands that Skullcrusher had made his choice. He wants Eret as his rider. Eret of course accepts and you can an even wider smile, completely made of respect and -yes,love- for his dragon. The way he looks at Skullcrusher says it all. He doesn't grip the dragon's horn. Instead,he gives him a soft, gentle touch. And at that moment,the best thing happens. Skullcrusher's pupils dilate, becoming almost round. This indicates that his brain is releasing a substance known as dopamine. This substance is only released when someone looks at something they really want,or in this case,love. So,both human and dragon wanted to be together,from the first moment they met.

•They were eachother's therapy dogs

Of course and they bonded because of their traumas. Both of them were lost, grieving,when they met. Skullcrusher had just lost his rider,and he needed someone to rely on and trust. He wanted someone who could offer him stability,a caring shoulder to cry on. To be honest, I don't think he was ready for a new rider,until Eret came in his life. He saw himself in Eret's eyes. Eret was lost as well. He had just left his whole life behind, chasing something that sounded like a dream. He was alone in a new place,with a completely new prospective about dragons. In all of this chaos, Skullcrusher popped in. This dragon was exactly what Eret needed. A strong, although bleeding soul,who could help him overcome his fears and embrace his new self. They both had sadness and fear curled around their souls,but, together,they managed to overcome their traumas, cause,as we know,love and hope are so much stronger than pain and fear.

•Eret's Dragon Armour

In "The art of How to train your dragon;The Hidden World",there is this exact line; "The dragon armour supports the idea that there's an incredible connection between the characters and their dragons." So,Eret and Skullcrusher managed to built such a bond which was somewhat equivalent of six years (despite the movie not showing it all -Im still mad about it-). I'm saying this because,of course and the other members of the gang share an incredible bond with their winged friends. But putting Eret and Skullcrusher on that list,means that they created such a level of trust and understanding that it felt like they were together for years ( talking about platonic soulmates huh?). And there's the fact that Eret is a member of the group now and his needs to have an armour that represents his dragon (I bet all my money that Skullcrusher LOVES the suit).

•How matching they are at almost everything

Lastly, another thing that makes them perfect for eachother is their similarities at most,(if not all things). They are both this type of order and quiet, loyal to the death,always sticking by eachother's side,and they like following the rules. Eret is energetic and brave, while Skullcrusher is quiet and stubborn. Together, they complete eachother. Both Eret and Skullcrusher prefer to stay aside,only taking the main spot when something really bad happens. They are loving towards one another,even and a bit affectionate, always making sure they're both okay. Even though there are days in which they'll get separated, they always find the time to make up for the moments they lost. Plus,they both like fighting, only when necessary. Another thing is their matching skills. Skullcrusher,as a Rumblehorn,has an incredible sense of smell (and strength). That's why he's known as "the bloodhound of dragons". Eret on the other hand,has excellent knowledge on tracking down other dragons,due to his trapping years. He is also a quite skilled fighter, something that makes him a very worthy opponent,and even dangerous when Skullcrusher is by his side. Those similarities they have make them a formidable and very skilled duo, perfect for one another.

And that's it! End of the post!

[blazer5402]

Have you ever hyperfixated on a single fandom? What about hyperfixating on a single fanfic. Because that's been me for nearly the past year.

Trailblazer's a Worm/Gundam crossover fanfic. It's 1.6 million words long, nearly as long as canon Worm is. I've read it twice in the past year, and am re-reading it again. It's living rent free in my head.

Trailblazer takes place in a Worm AU where Scion was killed 10 years ago in the Gold War (akin to canon's Gold Morning). While it draws on elements, themes, and characters from Gundam - mostly Gundam 00 and Iron Blooded Orphans to my knowledge (I'd only watched like 4 episodes of Witch From Mercury before reading Trailblazer), you don't really need any Gundam knowledge to read Trailblazer.

While the end of the world was averted with Scion's death, the world's still dying a slow collapse. The Endbringers are predicted to bring global trade to an end within a few short decades. The slow collapse of society is predicted to start soon after. Anti-Parahuman sentiment is on the rise. If the Endbringers don't end the world, humanity may end up ending it themselves.

One bitter, broken, bullied girl sees a world she isn't satisfied by and sets out to save it. She saves herself along the way.

I love Worm. I spent most of my high school years obsessing over it. But I can't read Worm anymore. Not all the way through. I know how it ends, and it's really not something I have in me to reread.

Trailblazer, on the other hand, is a fic I actually enjoy re-reading. It treads brighter where Worm canon goes darker, but that's not to say it's all sunshine and ponies. If Worm's grimdark, Trailblazer's... more hopepunk? noblebright? Whatever you want to call it.

Worm's the story of a girl who gives everything she has to save the world. By Worm's endgame, Taylor's barely a person. She's thrown her life into it, she's cut every tie in the name of it. She's alive, but she's not really living.

Trailblazer's the story of the same girl going in an orthogonal direction. Taylor's character arc in Trailblazer is about realizing that she wants to live. It's about overcoming her death seeker mindset from canon, and realizing that she doesn't just want to save the world, but that she wants to live in it too. It's like if canon Taylor went to therapy, and therapy actually worked.

Trailblazer's biggest theme is that the world might suck, but it can be better, even if you have to go out and make it better yourself. That even if the system is broken, good people can still do good things within a broken system.

Anyways, what I'm getting at is that Trailblazer is fucking fantastic. It's the best thing that's come out of the Worm fandom. It's complete at 1.7ish million words, just about as long as canon. It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry. Go read it!

[just-breathe-it-will-be-okay]

24-hour EKG: ✅ survived

Psychiatrist visit: ✅ survived

My psychiatrist was a very nice woman. She gave me another medicine, told me everything will fall into place and that I shouldn't worry about my heart because it's just my anxiety lying to me and we'll need to erase the unhealthy thoughts from my brain and rewire it with healthy ones. She told me the medicine will help, but I also need to work on myself while taking them. I might be going to a group therapy too, I'm still waiting on them to answer my email though, but I will update you on the matter ASAP. The point is: I came out of the psychiatry visit with so much hope and a new perspective! I have to believe that things will work out in my favor. And I know God is with me on this journey.

As a reward for my struggles and wins, I also bought myself this beauty:

(I really really love The Umbrella Academy!)

The only thing I can say is: keep going, guys! Even if you're not in therapy (yet) or everyday feels like a burden, you must do everything in your power to overcome your fears. It might not be an easy or fast process, but every tiny step you take is in fact huge and a part of something greater; every little progress matters, every single one. You have to take the power back over your life. You've got this!

We've got this!

- Reni

[heavenly-garden]

I recently learned something.

Those who have been oppressed often oppress others. Not always is the case but more often than not it seems to happen. There are those who want to be oppressed so they can claim victimhood and say they've been oppressed too so they can fit in with even more oppressed groups. When oppressed upon harshly and over long term it causes hatred, bigotry, racism etc. People who don't realize they went from being oppressed to the oppressor means they can still claim oppression and cruelty while also being oppressive and cruel to others. It's a nasty cycle way too many people perpetuate. I was oppressed by a cruel step father for 12 years, he was a pedophile and he forced horrible things upon me against my will and as time went on I developed serious anger problems. I was angry at everything and everyone from the system, to men, to the police, to my community I also hated myself. I hated so deeply that I needed anger management because I was concerned I'd become a liability to the safety and wellbeing of others, myself included. I never thought about how my oppression was causing me to oppress others, I never took into account that I had been a part of a cycle of violence and hate. However, after my step father was gone for good I finally had time to begin healing, taking years of therapy, going to anger management, keeping drugs qnd liquor at bay so I didn't begin addictive habits which were all around me as soon as I stepped outside my door I had accessed to everything from ocean, weed, meth, heroine, pills, free liquor. I lived surrounded by a couple of native reserves where my friends did drugs and drank just to pass the time. Boredom, fear, anger, oppression, these things lead towards a very dark path if you don't become aware of how it effects us. The oppressed feel helpless so they begin to oppress in order to feel powerful over others, and the cycle goes on and on. I witnessed it on reserves where my friends lived and they were miserable and bored most of the time, sneaking their parents liquor and drugs with ease. The accessibility of drugs and liquor is far too easy for minors. People learn disrespect and distrust because of begin oppressed. My step dads mother oppressed him, she had bipolar and borderline personality disorder, she refused medication for a long time because she was in denial and he didn't know he had inherited her mental health issues until many years after and it was far too late by then the damage had been done. His mental illness had nothing to do with him being a pedo though that was all on him but his outbursts of rage, verbal, mental and physical abuse had taken its toll on me and my mom. In anycase I realized I don't want to be an oppressor. I don't want to feel this hate qnd contempt for everyone. No one did anything to me but in my mind once long ago I blamed everyone else but didn't take into account my own oppressive thoughts. I did not wish to be like that so it took over 10 years of work on myself to overcome toxic habits and intrusive thoughts. Don't get me wrong I still get intrusive thoughts but now I stop to analyze those thoughts and question them. No longer a slave to my mind, I seek to only coexist as best I can with the world no, no more buzzing in my head to go out and cause trouble I'm freeeee. I take time for myself when I need it and I've learned to enjoy being on my own instead of feeling alone and unhappy when I'm by myself, I'm finally at peace and became my own best friend, I went from hating myself to loving myself (not in a narcissistic way though) but i've learned to accept I can't control everything, I can't control what others do, I can't control what others think or feel about me, I can't control society. I had to learn to let go and accept it is what it is, time to move on. All praise be to God for helping me through the darkest days of my life. I used to hate so deeply man...it felt like it was becoming a part of my DNA lol. Anyway that's all I had to say, thank you for reading. Have a good day. 💖

[itsclydebitches]

Oh, when I talked about flop era for Ted I meant for him as a person. I think he should have been a great coach and more involved with the team, I just also think that “my ex wife is dating OUR marriage counselor” is a big, giant bomb that cannot be resolved with positivity. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want a “Ted finally snapped” plot line, but Michelle dating their therapist is such a huge betrayal that dropping it like they did is just… uhhh. It’s rushed and it doesn’t change Ted at all. But it would change most people.

And Michelle dating the counselor is not just a betrayal of Ted, it’s a dangerous situation that can get the counselor not just fired, but he can (and should) loose his license. It’s a big deal. If he wasn’t their counselor but say, Ted’s good friend or Michelle’s childhood best friend or something and they started dating behind Ted’s back? The resolve would be appropriate. Because it hurts but it is also none of Ted’s business. But the counselor…… it’s a very dramatic plot line and Ted did not react to it properly. And that’s just one of the examples of Ted having a hard time. I’d argue that he also needs to accept that he is in fact a good dad, even if he left, and that Henry is not suffering without him.

OH my mistake, anon. Yes, full agree on that. 95% of the time I think Ted Lasso does an excellent job of navigating hard-hitting issues, but there are two choices that made me do a shocked double-take: Rebecca dating Sam and Michelle dating their therapist. To be honest I'm not a huge fan of the writing choices themselves - I think it would have worked just as well/better to end the Rebecca and Sam situation at the restaurant reveal, highlighting the pitfalls of these anonymous dating apps, and Ted could have struggled with Michelle moving on with anyone appropriate - but if we HAD to have these conflicts... at least engage with those issues fully? As you say, this is a huge deal and the story really doesn't acknowledge that. It actually makes me a little mad that the takeaway message is, "Ted needs to let his ex-wife go" and not "Ted is rightly pissed that a professional he trusted and his ex-wife betrayed him like that and that anger is hindering his growth but damn, can you blame him?" Yes, Ted does need to let Michelle move on (and move on himself) but the ability to do that is highly influenced by the fact that she's DATING THEIR THERAPIST. The same way I wanted characters like Keeley to go, "Uh... Rebecca, age difference aside, should you really be dating one of your players?" instead of this blanket support that doesn't engage with the problems in that relationship, I wanted characters to support Ted with a, "Holy shit, that's massively fucked up and he's definitely in the wrong. Here's how you can move past this while still acknowledging the difficulties of that situation." Instead we jump straight to, "Jeez, Ted, stop making assumptions about Paris."

So yeah, I wanted more from that in pretty much every respect. More of a reaction from Ted, yes, but considering that we did kinda get an extreme reaction (wanting to hire a private detective) at least more of a reaction from the cast/the narrative and an acknowledgement of what Ted is reacting to: not just Michelle moving on, but moving on with him. Even if it doesn't lead to any punishment-like resolution (such as the removal of his license) I think everyone should acknowledge how fucked up that is. How does Michelle defend that choice? How does Jacob? Why is Beard only getting annoyed at Ted instead of showing that insane defensive streak we've seen from him? Everyone's up in arms over the assumption that Henry was bullied (horrible, but pretty standard for most kids at one point or another), but no one cares that Ted is going through that frankly insane situation? Why are they all acting like this is a totally normal case of an ex moving on??

WHY IS NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGING THAT TED WORKED SO HARD TO OVERCOME HIS BIAS AGAINST THERAPY AND NOW JACOB HAS GONE AND (from Ted's perspective) PROVEN HIM RIGHT? I personally would have liked an arc where Ted backslides in that regard. Shannon is less available now and her assistance is a distant memory in the face of this new conflict, Jacob has "proven" that therapists are useless and untrustworthy, and Ted is failing to move on specifically because he wonders if he and Michelle might have rebuilt their marriage without his involvement. I mean, how hard was he really trying while falling for his client? Did he actively sabotage them? After all, why would he have tried his hardest to help them through their problems when he wanted Michelle for himself? And now this man--both accurately and inaccurately built up as a villain in Ted's head--is encroaching on Henry, trying to "steal" the role of dad while Ted is over in London and can't do anything about it. (Because yeah, full agree about Ted being a great dad, but I think he'd need a reminder of that under these circumstances, especially after his own father's suicide).

Ugh yeah, I obviously have a lot of thoughts about that choice. Ted deserved to work through his divorce and Michelle moving on... but with a hell of a lot more nuance if you're going to introduce her new lover as their marriage counselor. The arc we got works fine for any other new boyfriend, but not that.