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prince-rowan-of-the-forest · 2 months

Text

Smile Wiped Clean

Roman loves his job. He loves to be creative, to make things, to put everything he has into his work. Roman loves his job. He does.

He loves his job, but he struggles to get it done sometimes, the pressure is overwhelming, the criticisms feel like splinters digging into his skin, working on a script can sometimes feel like he's being asked to cut off his own hands. What is he supposed to do when he has to love his job?

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| AO3 |

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Warnings: Self depreciation, RSD, Roman be struggling, Patton adn Logan are kind of assholes in the beginning.

Pairings: platonic dlampr

Word Count: 7961

Notes:

Hello everyone :3

I was inspired to write some roman angst and then cranked out almost 8k in like five days. Why can't I do this for the projects I actually need to work on, huh?

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Roman let out a deep sigh, putting down his pencil and resting his head in his hand as he gazed at the sketch he had begun to work on today. He had planned to attempt a storyboard of the latest script idea he had come up with for Thomas’ video, hoping a change of format would help with the pooling sense of dread he had been feeling every time he thought about working on it.

Somehow, though, it may have made it worse. When he drew all the lines simply came out wrong. The sketch looked off, the lines were wobbly, when he tried to draw himself and the others the faces just felt off in a way he couldn’t hope to describe or fix. He groaned, ripping out the notebook page and tossing it into the overflowing basket beside his desk along with every other attempt he had made so far.

With another groan, Roman tugged at his hair in frustration. If he couldn’t at least get this started before their next meeting tomorrow Logan would get angry and Patton would get upset. Virgil would probably tease him and usually he would tease back, but right now he just couldn’t fathom being able to handle it.

He had to get something written, even jotting down ideas in bullet points would be better than staring uselessly at a blank piece of paper and pulling his already dishevelled hair - from the amount of times he had run his hands through it in frustration.

This wasn’t working. It just wasn’t and trying to force it wasn’t helping. Roman stood abruptly and shut his notebook. Take a break, he told himself, that’s what Janus would tell him to do. He had so many things to do today, even catching a glimpse of todays to-do list in the front of his book made that sense of dread come back. Roman counted out three deep breaths to calm himself and ease the knot in his stomach even a little before snapping himself into his Prince outfit, stopping in front of his mirror to fix his hair before squeezing his hands into fists. Another deep breath and he stepped out of the room and into the hallway. Go downstairs, get something to eat, sit and watch a show maybe, relax for a bit and then go back to the tasks.

He really hoped no-one else was downstairs. Roman wasn’t sure he had the energy to deal with that right now.

Tapping his fingers against the counter as he waited for his leftovers to eat up, Roman wondered if he really even wanted to eat them. Sure, the meal was nice last night, but… Roman wasn’t sure it sounded appealing right now. He had to eat something though, and the idea of cooking something new felt even worse. No-one was downstairs right now, it was a little late for lunch but too early for Patton to be downstairs working on dinner already, so he figured he would be safe for the moment.

The sound of the microwave timer running out startles Roman out of his thoughts and he quickly rushes to remove his food, bypassing the table entirely and bringing his plate and a glass of cooled water from the fridge over to the living room couch. He would just watch an episode or two of a cartoon whilst he ate and then get back to work. That sounded like a good idea, right?

He put on an episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender and sat back to eat his meal in peace.

Admittedly, Roman was eating a little slower than maybe he should have been so that he could watch more episodes than he would have otherwise, but when he finished his food he was halfway though - he couldn’t exactly stop in the middle of the episode, so he told himself he would go back upstairs as soon as this was done.

Unfortunately, his luck with the common area being empty seemed to run out only moments after he had finished eating, putting his plate on the coffee table to be cleared up when he left. Alas, it seemed the end of the episode was destined to be interrupted as Logan came down the stairs.

For a moment, the two just stared at each other.

“Roman,” Logan greeted, Roman hid a wince.

“Hey Logan,” Roman said, smiling brightly as they all expected from him, “How are you on this wondrous afternoon?”

“I’m doing well,” Logan said with a nod, “I have had a productive day, I simply came down for a cup of coffee.”

“Ah! I think the pot was brewing when I came down, so it should be done now,” Roman said happily, glad he could provide some hopefully useful information to the other side. Logan just hummed.

“Hm,” Logan hummed, Roman let out a soft sigh, before glancing back at the TV. Logan’s gaze followed his, “Don’t you have a lot of work to get done today? Why are you wasting time watching a cartoon?”

Roman wished he was exaggerating when he thought about how that felt like an arrow to the chest. He gripped the material of his trousers between his fingers, looking back at the TV - any hope that he could do this he may have gotten from the cartoon was immediately crushed. It turned out, Roman was well aware of how much work he had to do today, being reminded of it only made things worse.

“I do have a lot of work to do,” Roman said, “I’ve been attempting to work on it all morning - I simply came down for some food and a break, I was going to go back to my room and keep working after this episode.”

“Ah, of course,” Logan said, rolling his eyes. Roman couldn’t help that he felt a little crushed. “Well, I shall prepare to pick up your slack, as usual, then.”

With that metaphorical punch in the gut, Logan turned and walked into the kitchen. Roman grit his teeth as he reached for the remote to turn the TV off. He had wanted to finish the episode, but now even the thought of doing so made him feel sick. The passive aggressive remark rang in his ears, bouncing around the inside of his skull and bringing back that feeling of dread tenfold.

He went to put his plate in the sink. With a scathing look from Logan as he went to leave it, he turned back to rinse it off and put it onto the dishrack. All whilst trying not to cry or scream.

Part of him wanted to make a cup of tea and grab a few biscuits to take up with him, but the idea of spending a second longer in the kitchen with Logan made his gut twist. How was he supposed to write a script when he felt like this? The break was supposed to help, but now he just felt even worse than before.

—-

“Roman,” Logan said at the meeting the next day as he held Roman’s proposed script in hand, “I thought we talked about you doing this work yesterday?”

Roman might have winced, “I did? It’s… right there? You’re… holding it?”

“What I’m holding,” Logan says, adjusting his glasses as he looks down at the binder, “Is…. mediocre at best.”

“Well… yeah teach, it’s a first draft? It’s not going to be perfect-”

“Roman,” Logan interrupted, fixing his gaze on him, “This reads like an elementary school child’s first play script. What happened?”

Roman really did wince this time, his hands clenching and unclenching as he tried to come up with something to say around the burning hole that had just been punched through his chest, “I-”

“Surely it can’t be that bad, kiddo,” Patton said brightly, “Hey Logan, can I have a look?”

For a moment, Roman was relieved as Logan passed over the script, Patton wouldn’t be as harsh, he was always softer in his approach. Roman tried not to hold his breath as Patton read through it.

“Well-” Patton frowned, shifting from one food to the other, “I’m sure there's… some part of this we can use? With some refining of course! Roman did say this was a first draft after all!”

That did not make him feel half as reassured as he had thought it should. Roman fidgeted with his fingers, chipping away at the red nail polish he had applied yesterday in hopes it would make him feel any better about this. He took a deep breath and tried to swallow it down.

“Right, right of course, I can refine it,” Roman nodded, his smile felt forced and broken, he suddenly wished Virgil had come to this meeting - he was always good at distracting Roman even if it was with something equally painful. It would even be better if Remus popped up and distracted everyone, maybe then the attention would be off of him.

“Wonderful, please don’t procrastinate this again,” Logan said primly, “I would not like you to leave it to the last minute again.”

“I wasn’t-” Roman started protesting, before biting his lip, “I won’t,” he said with a soft sigh, “It’ll be done.”

“Awesome! Thank you Roman!” Patton said with a clap of his hands, clearly trying to lighten the atmosphere in the room.

“Yeah, um, is that all?” Roman asked, looking at the two of them, “I’d like to get working on the script, you know? So that it’ll be ready?”

“Of course, I believe that was the primary purpose of this meeting,” Logan nodded, “The rest of the points I have for today do not require your input.”

Roman nodded and wordlessly sunk out to his room, trying to ignore the stab of pain from that closing statement on top of everything else. He dumped the script on his desk and sat down on his bed, holding his hands in his lap and trying to stop them from shaking.

—

The script made him feel sick. He knew it was bad, it really was thrown together. Just like Logan had said, it read like the creation of an eight year old. After the events of yesterday Roman had barely managed to get in an hour's work. He had no idea why he was struggling so much. Thomas was doing okay, Roman was getting enough sleep and eating when he was hungry and getting water when he was thirsty. Usually when he struggled to get words down on a page it was because something else was wrong, but now he couldn’t figure out what that was.

Roman took a deep, shaky breath to battle the threatening tears. The script was awful, Roman didn’t know how to fix it, no matter how hard he tried now no ideas were coming to his brain. Part of him didn’t want to create at all now. He didn’t want to work on the script, he didn’t want to disappoint them again. Everything he made recently was like this, just getting worse and worse. Logan was just trying to encourage him to be better, but Roman couldn’t help the dread he felt at the idea of picking up that script, opening up that document, even the idea of brainstorming felt like too much right now.

If everything he made was useless anyway, why should he bother?

Maybe going into the imagination when he felt this bad about his creative talents was a bad idea, but Roman couldn’t stand the sight of that script on his desk like a beacon of failure and he couldn’t go to the common area incase one of the others found him there and chastised him for lying to get out of the meeting. He definitely didn’t want Janus to find him after that show and ask him what was wrong, so… imagination it was.

—

The imagination was normally bright and full of life, Roman’s side especially was always populated by vibrant colours and lively bright characters and creatures, butterflies that fluttered around the forests, townsfolk going about their business with smiles on their faces in the villages he had created, the palace gleaming in the distance, shimmering with gold on the hilltop, the mountains behind coated with shimmering mist from the seas beyond.

Right now, yellowed dead grass crunched beneath his feet, the leaves on the trees were dulled, there wasn’t a butterfly to be seen. He spotted a hornet's nest in the woods and quickly altered his path to avoid it.

The villagers he talked to - hoping for any sort of kindness or reassurance were snappish and rude, turning away from him with a huff or a scoff. The sky was dimmed with clouds and the palace and mountains loomed menacingly on the horizon line. The imagination always reflected him, after all. There was no escaping the reality of the situation here.

After walking for what must have hours, Roman found himself on a beach. Unable to go further - he had no energy to conjure a boat right now, or turn himself into a fish or a merman. In the end he just settled down on the shoreline, watching the grey waves lap at the gritty sand that was normally golden and bright. Roman let it fall through his fingers, knowing he wouldn’t find any seaglass was in this state. Sighing softly, Roman pulled his knees up to his chest and looked out to the sea.

Roman didn’t move even as it got dark and the tide went out. The sky was clouded over, he saw no sunset nor moon and stars, just a dark, black void. The smell of seaweed and salt was too strong and vaguely unpleasant, the sound of the waves grated on his ears and the texture of the sand under his hands made him feel a little sick, still it was better than the alternative of going back. The script he had to work on was back in his room. He almost gagged at the thought.

—

“Hey Roman!” Patton called the next day as Roman came downstairs for breakfast. He hadn’t changed, only making his way back from the imagination when the sun began to rise, washing the sand off of his hands and running water through his hair to make it look like he had just showered, he’d snapped himself into suitable pajamas and covered up the bags under his eyes and made his way downstairs, “Tried to come see how you were doing with the script yesterday but you were out of your room! How’s it going?”

“Oh! Uhm,” Roman said, glancing around the room. Virgil was sitting at the dining table and Logan was sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee, invested in some book, okay, it would be okay, “It’s going fine - um, I went to the imagination yesterday to get some more inspiration - building scenes to write and stuff.”

It was a blatant lie. Roman knew it and resisted the urge to look around for Janus. But Patton seemed to buy it.

“That’s great! Did you get what you needed to work on it?”

“Yeah, for sure, I’ll start doing the actual rewrites today, what’s for breakfast?” Roman said, plastering a smile on his face in the face of that same sheer dread he felt at the idea.

“I was actually about to start cooking!” Patton said, “Virge and I were trying to work out what we should have, I wanted to make eggs and bacon but he thinks we should have pancakes.”

“We had eggs and bacon like two days ago,” Virgil huffed, crossing his arms on the table and digging his fingers into his jacket - which he had pulled over his pajamas it seemed. Roman slipped into the chair next to him, “And yesterday we just had toast.”

Roman was about to say something about how he’d prefer pancakes too - sweet foods were always great for getting him in the mood for creative thinking - before Patton got there first.

“Why don’t you decide, kiddo?” Patton asked, looking at Roman with a bright smile - Roman tried to keep his own on his face even though his chest seized with panic at the question, “Would you rather have pancakes or eggs?”

Roman’s eyes darted quickly between Patton and Virgil as his fingers tapped worridly on the table. Patton’s smile never left, but Virgil’s grimace might have become something more concerned. Roman suddenly felt trapped, being the tiebreaker, he would disappoint someone no matter which option he picked. He knew which he would prefer, but it wasn’t that simple. If he sided with Virgil then Patton would get upset, but if he sided with Patton then Virgil might get angry. Not to mention, if he picked the more unhealthy option then Logan would probably get upset too, but he didn’t want to disappoint Virgil-

“It’s fine,” Virgil said after a few seconds, “Make your bacon, me and Princey can make pancakes ourselves afterwards, boom, problem solved.”

Roman couldn’t help but perk up - getting pancakes and possibly being able to cook with Virgil felt like a good way to start the morning. Virgil sent him a small smile - he must have noticed.

“Hm-” Patton said, frowning, Roman immediately deflated, hand coming up to fidget with his wet hair, Virgil seemed to notice this too because a quiet growl escaped him - Roman didn’t think Patton had heard, “Well, I s’pose you could, but… Roman is banned from the kitchen for a reason, kiddo.”

Roman cringed. The last time he had tried to cook had been a disaster, but if he and Virgil were doing it together surely it wouldn’t be that bad.

“I won’t let him touch the oven,” Virgil said, whilst Roman sat there awkwardly fiddling with his hair and looking away, not sure what to do with himself.

“And you’re okay with-”

“I wouldn’t’ve asked to do it if I didn’t want to, Pat,” Virgil pointed out. Patton sighed and nodded.

“Alrighty kiddos - if you’re sure, lemme just get things together for Logan and I, then I’ll get out of your way?”

“Sure,” Virgil shrugged and Patton headed back into the kitchen to begin cooking. Virgil immediately leaned over to Roman, “Hey Princey, what’s going on with you?”

“Huh?” Roman asked, eyes snapping up to meet him.

“You look like shit, dude,” Virgil said, still whispering, “You look like you just ran your head under the tap and slapped some concealer on your face, not to mention you panicking just now - are you okay?”

“What? Oh, yes, fine, fine of course!” Roman says brightly, forcing himself to sit up straight and put a smile on his face. Virgil frowned, clearly not buying it, but he just coughed awkwardly and moved on, much to Roman’s relief.

“Okay, well um - do you actually want to cook with me? Do you even want pancakes at all? I didn’t- mean to assume but I know Pat can be kinda pushy and you seemed panicked so I-”

“I do want to cook with you, Scaramore,” Roman interrupted him with a small smile, “As long as you can handle my ineptness.”

“You’re not inept,” Virgil rolled his eyes, waving his hand, “Pancakes are easy anyway.”

“If you say so,” Roman chuckles, shaking his head.

Once Patton was finished in the kitchen, Virgil got up and urged Roman to follow him, setting out the ingredients. With specific instructions and supervision that was slightly overbearing but to a level that somehow made Roman more comfortable than less - it was nothing like when Patton did it, it felt more like he was being guided and looked after as he did the things that Virgil told him to do, rather than making one mistake and having Patton swoop in and take over.

The pancakes weren’t perfect, but they were still nice. Roman had a lovely time making them with Virgil too - he didn’t think they would've been half as much fun if he had made them alone.

He didn’t want the meal to end, honestly. The conversation was light and fun - Virgil was talking about some new music he had listened to and Roman had been laughing along with him. Virgil told him he should give it a listen sometime and Roman said he would. It was almost enough to give him his spark back.

The rest of the day he spent working on the script. Careful to avoid Patton and Logan - Janus and Remus too in all honesty - Roman headed back into his room to work his way though the script, fleshing things out, making the descriptions clearer and the dialogue more interesting and nuanced. By the time Patton called them all down for dinner Roman was absolutely exhausted and incredibly drained, but he actually had something he thought he could be proud of to show them. Maybe this would actually go well.

Even still, the idea of having Patton and Logan look over it made his hands shake and hairs stand on end, he didn’t like it one bit.

The next few days he spent refining the script as much as he could. It needed to be perfect for Thomas to use it after all. It needed to be perfect for Logan and Patton to approve. He needed to be perfect if he didn’t want them to get upset with him, and if they did get upset with him then… well he needed to be perfect then too.

And then they had the meeting with Thomas.

Roman rose up with the script clutched to his chest. Everyone was staring at him - he knew he was late, he had just been making some panicked, last minute touches, making sure everything was perfect, but now he was late and they were all staring at him.

He should say something witty. Something about how he was always fashionably late maybe, but Logan was glaring at him and Patton looked disappointed and Janus was here too and Roman couldn’t get the words out past the lump in his throat.

“Roman,” Logan said when it became clear that Roman wasn’t going to say anything, “You were made aware that we had a meeting today. We were all waiting for you.”

Nevermind the fact that no-one ever chastised the others for being late for these. Roman squashed the thought down with a bitter feeling.

“I was just making finishing touches!” Roman announced in his normal bright and boisterous tone, “I didn’t want to leave our darling Thomathy without something perfect, after all!”

Logan hummed and nodded, Roman couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped him as the conversation moved on without a lecture. Janus looked at him for a second too long, Roman wished he hadn’t noticed.

“Well then kiddo! How ‘bout you show us what you’ve come up with?” Patton said, almost like he was coaxing Roman into sharing. Roman was, admittedly, reluctant, but he handed the script over to Patton to look at anyway. It was his job to come up with these things after all, he shouldn’t be afraid of the criticism he was bound to receive. Still he couldn’t help but nervously twist his hands together as Patton read through the script with a small frown on his face and passed it off to Logan to look at whilst Thomas and Janus tried to make conversation with him. He knew he was distracted, watching Logan’s face for any sign of what he might be feeling about the script Roman actually felt fairly proud of after all of the heartache that had gone into it. Whether he would actually let Thomas see it at all.

“Well,” Logan started, snapping the binder shut, “It is not our best work-”

Roman felt like he had been punched in the gut, but he schooled his features to look neutral as Thomas took the binder.

“But! I suppose if this is all Roman can create it will have to do.”

“But I-” Roman started, wanting to tell them how hard he had worked on it, if that would even mean anything.

“It’s alright, kiddo!” Patton said brightly, “I’m sure you’ll do better with the next one! One bad script isn’t anything to feel bad about.”

But Roman did feel bad about it, that was the thing. If Roman expressed that he wasn’t sure what would happen, would they get upset with him? Janus was giving him an incredulous look.

“Well,” Thomas spoke up as he skimmed through the script, “I think we’ll have to rework this a bit to get it to work - but it’s a really good start Roman! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome,” Roman said automatically, almost not even registering that he had said it. His mind was elsewhere. He was too busy thinking about hiding his shaking hands and holding back the tears he knew were threatening to get through. They had said it was fine, it was a good starting point, but Roman had spent the last three days working on this, he had worked and reworked and spent so much time making it perfect - he had been proud of the script he had ended up with, and it was just… subpar. A good start, with pieces they could pull out though the majority was trash.

“Are you alright, Roman?” Someone asked, Roman startled and looked up, glancing around. Everyone was looking at him - why was everyone looking at him?

After a long moment of blank staring, Logan sighed.

“I asked if you would be able to rework the script by Friday,” he asked. That was two days' time - they really wanted him to redo a whole script in two days? He pressed down the bubbling panic that was trying to make his way up his throat. He didn’t want to work on the script at all, the idea of doing so made him feel like he had just been told to cut off his own hand, but he would have to.

“Oh- uh, sure,” Roman said, “Um- can we go over what exactly I need to rework?”

As much as it would be painful to hear, he needed to know exactly what was wrong with his script so that he could change it to what they wanted. Janus frowned at him, but didn’t say anything to Roman’s relief.

“Ah, of course, I can go over the issues with the script for you now,” Logan said, taking the binder back from Thomas. With every comment he made - every nitpick, every piece of emotional nuance he decided was unnecessary - Roman felt himself grow more and more upset. Still he kept that mask of indifference on his face, made it look like none of Logan’s words were hurting him. He made it look like he was listening intently and taking in every word whilst really he couldn’t hear a thing Logan was saying over the roar of his own insecurity in his ears.

‘This part could be better’ Logan said, ‘this whole section is useless’ Roman heard. ‘There should be more jokes in this part’ Patton told him, ‘None of this is engaging’ Roman heard.

‘If you rewrote this part-’, Logan said, over and over. ‘You should never write again’ Roman heard, over and over.

This is bad, this is pointless, everything you create is worthless, you’ll never make the viewers happy with this, no-one will ever want to watch Thomas’s videos with this sort of script, do better, work harder, useless, worthless, bad, bad, bad-

“Roman?” A voice cut through the stream in his head and Roman all at once realised he had screwed his eyes shut and clamped his hands over his ears as though he could block out the voices in his own head. He knew he was taking their criticisms too harshly, they were being constructive, he shouldn’t feel this awful over a few constructive comments. Carefully Roman pulled his hands from his ears and blinked away the tears in his eyes to look around. Logan looked annoyed, Patton confused and a little upset, Thomas seemed confused and Janus looked… concerned. Roman thought he must be imagining it.

“Now - Roman, you know how rude it is not to listen to the rest of us, don’t you?” Patton said, in that gentle chastising tone that drove Roman up the wall, “What was that all about?”

“Indeed, I find it very disrespectful that you would resort to such a childish show of disrespect in the face of simple criticism.” Logan said with a frown on his face. Roman looked down - he wanted to retort that it wasn’t just that. He had worked hard on thai script, he had been proud of it, their simple criticism was making him feel like he was being torn apart at the seams, it was more than simple, every comment was like a needle stabbing into his heart, a new paper cut adorning his hands until they were unusable, it felt as though they were tearing out every one of his muscles and organs one by one until he was just a gruesome sack of bones and skin, they were tearing him apart and they didn’t even realise it. Roman didn’t even have the guts to truly tell them. Instead all he did was pretend things were fine and go sob to himself in the imagination when he had time to spare. What a miserable life to lead.

“Roman, are you alright?” Janus asks eventually after Roman never replied. Roman flinches and takes a deep breath.

“Of course,” Roman says, willing himself not to stutter, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Darling,” Janus drawled, rolling his eyes, “You know I can tell when you’re lying.”

“What’s going on, Roman?” Thomas asked, frowning a little as he looked over at him.

“Yes, I would like to know, if this is what is hindering your ability to do your job adequately-”

Roman broke.

That comment was the last straw, his job, his purpose - he couldn’t even do the thing he was made for. He couldn’t even do the one single thing they expected from him correctly. He was so useless.

“Maybe you should do it then,” Roman said, finally done with all of this, “You write the script, if my ideas were so terrible, maybe you should do it, give it a try, see how easy it is.”

“Roman, kiddo-”

“No!” Roman interrupted, bringing his hands up to his hair, “Stop it! Just stop! You want to know why I’m having trouble making things to your standards recently? It’s because of you two! You two and your constant- constant telling me what I’ve been doing wrong! Telling me not to take breaks, making me choose, standing here and critiquing something I was so proud of- I- I can’t do it! It hurts! It really fucking hurts and I can’t say anything because you’ll just start getting angry with me-”

Roman sucked in a deep breath, drawing himself up, and trying to calm down, but it was too late, tears were already streaming down his face, he was already shaking violently, there was nothing he could do about this now that he had started.

“You two never - you never see how hard I’m working, you, Logan, you think I don’t care about the quality of what I give you when I’m trying so, so hard to make it the best I possibly can every time. You have no idea how hard it is to stand here and listen to you both tear apart something I’ve spent days working on- you don’t- you don’t understand how hard it is, Patton, to choose when someone will be upset with me no matter wha option I pick.”

“How could we know these things when you have never told us?” Logan asks sharply, frowning, “Perhaps if you expressed these struggles we would go easier-”

“Would you? Would you really? Because- because we’ve been through this before! We’ve talked about this! About you being too harsh with your criticism, about Patton’s conscientious language - we- we’ve been through this and you haven’t done a thing,” Roman said, “And when I try and bring things up you always get angry and defend yourselves - how the fuck am I supposed to express a problem I have when all I’m going to get in response is anger?”

“We wouldn’t-” Patton tried.

“You would! You would! You always do- that- that passive aggressive tone you do- and even now you’re trying to deny it! How the fuck am I supposed to get through to you two like this?” Roman asked, throwing down his hands, tears were streaming down his face now and he hardly even noticed, “How am I supposed to talk to you two when you act like this?”

“Roman if you could please just calm down - we can talk about this civilly-”

“I’m done talking,” Roman hissed, “I just- I don’t- I’m done, I’m going to the imagination, don’t look for me.”

With that, he sank out. The room was left in silence. After a long moment, Thomas turned to the three of them.

“Guys,” Thomas said, “What the fuck was that?”

“Language-” Patton said.

“Patton, respectfully, shut up,” Janus said, more harshly than he meant to, “I’m not going to look for him.”

And Janus sunk out too, leaving the other three behind to talk.

—-

Roman sat on his beach alone and sobbed into his knees.

He cried so hard that storms raged in the distance, the waves crashed and the sun was blotted out with dark clouds, still Roman sat and cried and cried. He didn’t know what he wanted right now. He wanted to be alone, he wanted someone’s arms around him, he never wanted to talk to the others again, he wanted to be told that everything was okay. He wanted to be left to his beach and his crying, he wanted to be cared for and comforted.

“Remus told me I might find you out here,” Said a voice behind him. Roman made a sad, startled sound and immediately felt pathetic for it, “I suppose he was wrong, hm?”

Roman turned quickly to see Janus behind him.

“What- what are you doing here, snake?” Roman asked, trying to sound angry and only succeeding in sounding choked up and miserable.

“Oh nothing,” Janus said, walking over to come and sit next to him, “Totally not seeing if you need anything after that absolute delight of a conversation - Virgil told me how much you hate being hugged.”

Roman couldn’t help but laugh, “Why would you want to hug a failure like me? You might catch something.”

Rolling his eyes, Janus put an arm around him. Roman didn’t have it in him to protest, he really did want the hug.

“There you go,” Janus said softly as he pulled him gently into a proper hug, three of his hands wrapped around him as he pulled Roman close, one running gloved fingers through his hair and another wiped the tears from his face, “You are definitely a failure, darling, everyone thinks so.”

Roman sniffed, “Really? How can you - how can you say that after all of- of everything?”

“Cause it’s true, RoRo! You’re not a failure,” Came the voice of his brother from the direction of the sea, Roman turned in Janus’ arms just in time to watch his brother pull himself from the ocean. Roman yelped as Remus ran over and pulled both of them into a hug.

“Remus!” Roman yelled, choked a little by his tears as he tried to push Remus off, “You- you’re soaked! Get off!”

Remus cackled and hung on, “Your fault for having a breakdown on the beach, Ro-Bro- you basically asked for it.”

“You stink of seaweed, Remus,” Janus sighed, “I will only allow you to join this hug if you dry off and change.”

Remus groaned, rolling his eyes, “Roro, snap us back to your room or something will you?”

Sighing, Roman shook his head, clinging to Janus and reaching out to grab Remus’ arm before sinking them back out to his room. Immediately he shoved Remus off of the bed. Janus coaxed Roman back into his arms as he relaxed onto the mountain of pillows in his room. Roman took a few deep breaths before burying his face in Janus’ shoulder and trying not to sob again as Janus rubbed his back up and down in a way that was so comforting.

Minutes later, Remus joined them, draping himself across Roman’s back and thunking his head on his shoulder.

“So,” Remus said, “Who do I gotta kill?”

“No-one,” Roman said at the same time as Janus said: “Patton and Logan.”

Roman huffed, “I don’t- I don’t want you to kill them - I just want them to listen for once.”

“I can totally make them listen,” Remus said, “If you tell me what you’re actually upset about.”

“Thanks, Ree,” Roman mumbled, sitting up a little and wiping at his eyes with a sniff, “Um- I just-”

“Why don’t we start at the beginning,” Janus said softly, never ceasing in the way he was petting Roman’s hair so gently, the touch made him want to melt, “Why don’t you just try and tell us both how you’ve been feeling?”

Roman nodded, taking a deep breath before he started spilling everything. Telling the two dark sides everything he had been feeling recently, the way the comments felt suffocating and the criticisms felt like thorns digging into his skin. He told them how he had been feeling about his creations and why the imagination was so grey, by the end he was once again teary. Janus was whispering soft reassurances to him the entire time, whilst Remus seemed to be seething in rage.

“I’m gonna go talk to them,” Remus said through his teeth.

“Leave the morningstar,” Roman said, there was a stammer in his voice, but his tone was firm.

“You never let me have any fun, Roro,” Remus said, leaving the morningstar leant up against Roman’s bed. Roman nodded his approval and Remus sank out.

They stayed there for some time, about fifteen minutes or so, though Roman wasn’t sure, he spent most of it with his head buried in Janus’ shoulder. The comforting arms wrapped around him helped him to calm down a little more from all of that. The outburst - all of the pent up emotions he had about all of this - had honestly made him feel a lot… better, especially now that he had comfort.

A while later, when Roman was just starting to get sleepy from all the comfort, the door opened slowly - almost cautious, and Virgil’s face peeked into the room. Janus smiled a little and shifted, making Roman grumble.

“It’s Virgil dear,” Janus said softly. Roman glanced up and made a grabby motion at Virgil, who chuckled and walked into the room properly. Coming to sit down next to Roman on the bed. Roman immediately grabbed him and pulled him into the hug.

“Hey Princey,” Virgil said, shuffling closer and wrapping his arms around them both, “Hey Dee.”

“Hey Virgil,” Janus smiled, “What are you doing here?”

“Remus is talking to the others,” Virgil said, “I kinda heard what happened a little and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Well, as long as Roman wants you here, you’re welcome,” Janus said with a soft smile. With the way Roman was now clinging to Virgil’s hoodie as well as Janus’ capelet it seemed he really did.

“What’s up anyway, Princey? I heard what Remus was saying about their mean comments and I mean - I kinda noticed you were having a bad time a few days ago with Patton but…?”

Roman sighed softly, “I don’t know what it is,” He said, “I’ve just… been struggling - with motivation or - I suppose drive? I’ve been feeling bad about everything I make so I’ve been reluctant to make anything, but that just makes me feel worse so it’s just a cycle-”

“Ah,” V said softly, dropping his chin to Roman’s shoulder, “That sounds like burnout.”

“Burnout?”

“Yeah it’s like - when you’ve worked yourself too hard and now it’s causing you problems,” Virgil said with a head tilt. Roman hummed, “When was the last time you did something for yourself Princey? Like - just went wild and didn’t have someone criticising you for it?”

“I…” Roman said quietly, “I don’t know, I don’t remember - I mean, I’ve just felt so uninspired…”

“I think, and you’re not going to like it,” Janus said, Roman sighed, already pretty sure he knew what the other was about to say, “That you might benefit from a break?”

Roman groaned, he had seen it coming, “I can’t stop creating - it’s - it’s my whole purpose! What will I be if I can’t create?”

“Darling,” Janus said gently, “Just like the rest of us, you are allowed to take a break if you need to, a week or two, just… relax, create things for yourself, perhaps we could do something fun in the imagination? I’m sure Remus could help, but you’ll never get out of this state if you keep pushing yourself.”

Roman knew that he was right, he was sure Virgil knew that he was right, but he just… couldn’t figure it out, how was he to be useful if he couldn’t do the things he was supposed to do? But then - if he kept going he would never create anything worth sharing with Thomas anyway. What would it matter then if he took a break?

“What about Logan and Patton?” Roman asks softly, “Won’t they be upset with me?”

“Hopefully not after Remus is done with them,” Virgil said, the frown on his face clear from his tone. Roman sighed softly and let himself melt into them both.

“Thanks guys,” He says softly.

“Of course,” Janus says, scratching his scalp, “You’re not welcome.”

“Anytime, Princey,” Virgil said with a small smile on his face.

—-

It was just a few hours later when Roman woke up from the impromptu map Roman had had with the other two. It seemed that Janus hadn’t fallen asleep it seemed - he was just sitting there on his phone - nor did he think Janus had noticed him wake up. Virgil however was asleep with his head on Roman’s shoulder. He sighed happily - being surrounded by the two of them made Roman relax so easily, he wished he had asked them for this sooner.

“Good afternoon darling,” Janus said softly, running his fingers through Roman’s hair, “How do you feel?”

“Better,” Roman said, smiling a little, “You okay?”

“I’m totally not fine,” he said, “Remus came back, he said the others would like to talk to you whenever you’re ready.”

Roman winced, “Is that- is that wise?” He asked, tilting his head, “what if they’re upset?”

“I won’t be with you the whole time,” Janus said, “And if they do get upset I think Remus plans to hurt them.”

Roman made a face, “I don’t want that,” He says, “Don’t want them to get hurt.”

“Well then you can’t tell him no,” Janus said, “And we can bring Vee too.”

Roman nods, looking at Virgil who was somehow still asleep on his shoulder, he gently nudged him awake.

“Mmm?” Virgil hummed, blinking lazily up at him, Roman laughed.

“I think the others want to talk to me,” Roman said, Virgil frowned immediately, “I’d um- I’d really like it if you guys were there, for uh- moral support, and possibly Remus control.”

Virgil laughed, “Yeah Princey, of course I’ll be there for you.”

—-

Patton and Logan sat together on the living room sofa. Remus stood opposite them, in front of the TV with his morningstar in hand, smiling in a way that was a little bit terrifying. Roman had decided to walk down the stairs instead of just sinking out, so Janus and Virgil had followed him. The two sides on the sofa looked up, Patton gasped and almost stood up, but something - Roman could guess a menacing glare from Virgil - had persuaded him to stay sitting.

At least the looks on their faces were fairly remorseful as the three of them went to stand with Remus. A hand was placed on his shoulder and with a glance back he saw it was Janus. With a small smile, Roman turned back to the others, waiting for them to talk.

“Roman,” Logan said. Roman flinched involuntarily and Virgil placed a hand on his back, Logan sighed softly, “I did not realise that my criticisms were causing such a problem for you, nor did I realise that my harsh tones were causing you so much stress.”

Roman did notice that Logan was talking a lot more softly than normal, it was like he had sanded the edges of his words, the sharp points that tore against Roman’s skin were a little more dull now.

“Now that I am aware of this I will endeavour to do better in the future,” He says, looking down, “I am sorry to have caused you so much distress.”

“Me too,” Patton said, “You always act so happy and energetic I didn’t - I didn’t realise I was causing you so much pain! I don’t ever want to hurt you, kiddo, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s -” Roman said, taking a deep breath, “I’m sorry for pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t.”

“Roman,” Janus said softly.

“But - I need a break,” Roman said, taking Janus hand, “I have - come to realise that pushing myself as I have been hasn’t been helping me or anyone else, and I know it’ll impact your schedule Logan - and it’ll make Thomas’ viewers upset if we don’t get a video out but I just - I just can’t-”

“It’s okay,” Patton said, getting up to come over to him, “You’re more important to us than one missed video.”

“I do believe that there are other videos Thomas is able to post this week,” Logan said, “If I rearrange some things perhaps we could film an unscripted video instead, allowing you time to rest.”

Roman’s eyes widened a little in disbelief - looking around at everyone. They weren’t chastising him? Logan wasn’t telling him that the script has to be done, they were really letting him take a break?

“See?” Janus said softly, “This was absolutely terrible, wasn’t it?”

Roman chuckled, elbowing Janus, “Thanks guys.”

“Of course,” Logan nodded, “Now, whilst you were gone, Patton, Remus and I had a discussion on what we could do to make you feel better.”

“And we settled on a cartoon binge session!” Patton announced brightly, Roman couldn’t help but smile.

“What would we watch?” He asked, tilting his head.

“Well, Thomas has been wanting to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender all week, who knows why,” Virgil said with a small wink in his direction, Roman couldn’t help the way his smile widened.

“Can we…” He said, trailing off, but with an encouraging nudge from Janus he finished his question, “Can we cuddle?”

“Of course,” Patton said, as if suggesting otherwise was offensive, “We gotta make our Prince feel better, right?”

“Come, we wouldn’t want to keep Thomas up too lote,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses.

Roman felt fondness bubbling up inside him, he looked around at his family and for once he wasn’t afraid to talk to half of them. He got to do something nice with everyone without fear of being criticised or told to get back to work - he could truly spend time with them and enjoy it for real, rather than pretend.

“Then it’s decided,” Roman says, “A cartoon night with Thomas it is!”

It wouldn’t make everything better. Things still weren’t perfect for a while. But Roman could see that it was getting there. Though right now wasn’t perfect, he was certainly hopeful about the future.

----

Tags: @full-of-roman-angst-trash . @your-local-random-dino @cutebisexualmess @glacierruler @roseianxiety @bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti @scalesfeathersnfur @oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat @littlerat2 (if anyone wants to be added, let me know!)

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#sanders sides #roman sanders #sanders sides fanfiction #ts roman #tss fanfic #rowans writings #virgil sanders #janus sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders

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emmetofthestars · 1 month

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does the queen bench press the king. would she hold him like a plank of wood. what is one thing she likes doing. what is her favorite food. would she possibly have one room dedicated to punching things in the castle. i hope these questions are okay! may we see her punching more things (dont let it be the king if you can help it)

UHMM no because she doesnt want to hurt him but if shes like really mad at some other person and hes trying to get in her way she'll push him to the side with too much force at most. she might hold him like a hammer

problem is shes like. depressed but will never know it so its hard to really imagine what she gets up to besides drinking. maybe solemnly strolling around earth without telling anyone shes going out and going to sit by a pond late at night. ill be honest though i just fucking love ponds or rivers as a setting. its so perfect. so melancholic. this is not influenced by a certain song playing on a certain level in we love katamari and its certainly not influenced by the name of a song from an anime i stopped watching years ago (holy fuck i need to listen to it again

i think itd be silly if her favorite food is gratin like og queen. but because its so much effort to make and shes probably not going to tell king she likes it. she doesnt have it often if at all. i think she cam like potatoes in general and vegetables (not bare, usually cooked in some way) which would actually line up well with the food king universe likes to eat. if she would conmunicate , . oh yes and of course she would like mushrooms in anything

bad news she will destroy anything infront of her if shes drunken enough (including all the stars in the universe) but usually happens when shes thinking about mama too long. maybe she holds back and smashes a thing or two in her room but i imagine there has to be atleast 1 event where she wrecks an entire room and more. and when she just barely opens her eyes and remembers what shes doing, guilt settles in and she just collapses then and there and tries to sob as silently as possible. uhm so no she has no dedicated room to destroy things she has no punching bags

perhaps she will be seen punching more things. not king universe (or og king) but depends what i feel liek drawing smiiillleee

adn yes these were very good questions indeed grinning emoji *cartoony smooch sound effect*

#emmet answers #emmet:universal family

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voidcat · 2 months

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anwyays little psa bc ive gained new followers w windbreaker etc stuff recently (and noticed ups and downs w my follower count)

for a year or so my activity has been on and off. honestly i shouldnt have to explain to anyone the reasoning why lol bc its the creators life at the end of the day adn they dont owe anything to anyone but anywys ill try to keep it short and explain nicely

writing takes time. more than you might think it does. i'll write a quick drabble and think "wow got this out quickly" and realize i worked on it for 2 hours. minimum. and thats without grammar checking etc and preparing a post format and everything

as writers, artists, creators we each have our own lives, responsibilities and priorities. we are not a machine. we are people with souls and personalities. so next time youre goingto unfollow someone for lack of content in recent, think of this.

and besides that honestly for me, the tumblr experience has always been following someone for themselves, not just their content. i havent touched bnha in years, nor tokrev, i never watched blue lock and i never finished [insert popular anime] does this stop me from following the same person, enjoying their posts and bloggings? no. and why should it? take a break from consumerism once in a while and enjoy life, enjoy people for who they are! take a deep breath, go drink a glass of water, go touch grass if needed idk.. keep in mind that people have feelings just like you, busy lives, busier schedules. heck you guys dont even know if im married or not, got kids or no, i legit started being open abt my line of job recently and Still im sure most of you dont know

my point being: you dont know what the other person carries, what lives they live and what they got going on behind the image of their blog. emphasize with people once in a while. and if youre so desperate for [insert character] x reader [insert au and tropes] fic or art idk then go make it yourself and i say this with good intentions. its never too late to start new things. and writing words and writing a story are not the same things, it takes effort. same as drawing a line or a stick figure and making art of/for something. it takes time, effort, feelings...

if youve read this far, thank you<3 have a nice evening, ily

#danyl talks #eh idk #im still so tired and now itchy....... my nails feel weird uGH

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mbrainspaz · 1 year

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I'm at my wits end. The boss has hired two rich high school boys to stop me from working overtime. I haven't trained the second one yet but it sounds like I'm going to end up doing it because he's worked two days and the 'manager' hasn't bothered to show him how to lead a horse yet. High school boy no.1 is killing me. Every day I give him a task list and he just doesn't do it. I get back from my mandated break and ask him if he did anything and he's just like :) "No." The audacity of a straight cis white boy! First I told the 'manager' and he said 'yeah, I've had the same problem.' He did nothing about it as far as I can tell. He has zero backbone when it comes to confronting anybody so that wasn't surprising. I had a Talk with the boy and he seemed remorseful but continued to do a shitty job. So I told the corporate boss. She said she'd handle it ("And you still absolutely may NOT work ANY overtime! PEASANT!""I'm sure high school boy will give the horses water and food on time despite habitually failing to do that!"). You know what she did? She showed up an hour late, told the kid to drink water, and left again. e_o AAaaah?!

So I'm like—'this is why I need to work overtime, because shit isn't getting done.' And she's like, 'No :)' 'he's just a kid.'

NO SHIT?! YOU HIRED HIM THOUGH. He's not doing the job we need done.

And NOBODY CARES!

the audacity.

Can you imagine if I'd tried that as a 19 year old 'girl' at my first big barn job? Hell, I made maybe one mistake in the whole summer and that manager grilled me within an inch of my life. I gave one horse not enough hay, one time. He treated me like shit for the rest of the summer. This kid—rich boy—we stopped asking him to do hay for the horses because he was so intentionally incompetent We were like 'please give them more hay'

and he was like 'no :)'

f*ck

I asked him to clean all of 6 paddocks today and gave him 2 hours to do it. This time last year I was cleaning all 20 a day by myself in 2 hours. I think he cleaned maybe 2. GUESS WHO GETS TO CLEAN THE OTHER 18 ALONE IN 115 DEGREE HEAT TOMORROW?! Because nobody else is going to f*cking do it apparently.

Honestly I should just not. I should just stop working too. What the hell are they gonna do about it? Fire me for being the only person who's shown up for my shift on time and gotten chores done reliably all summer? Fire the only person who communicates with every part of the team and the clients? The only one who actually cares if the business is doing ok? You know they would! It's so stupid and universally ironic you KNOW it would happen to me.

They've already disciplined me repeatedly for trying too hard and caring too much.

And like yeah no sh*t the kid doesn't want to do actual work. The truck his parents bought him is worth more than the cumulative earnings I've made in this industry in the last 5 years. He's just doing this job because his mommy made him. After high school they'll get him a white collar job where he gets to 'manage money' for 100+K and he'll gleefully brag about what a hard worker he is because he had a job shoveling shit once and 'actually those jobs aren't so bad and poor people complain too much because really they deserve to suffer if they can't hack the system' like he did.

ugh. My whole life I'm going to live at the whims of utterly incompetent people who are richer, dumber, and meaner than me. I called my rich uncle for advice the other day and he said "you know really workers are only really productive for 40-60% of the workday." I LAUGHED MANIACALLY while actively doing the work of at least 2 people.

"average business person works 40-60% of the day" factoid actualy just statistical error. average business person works 0 hours per day. Texan Peasant, who lives at work & works for 200% of every day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

#life of a texan peasant #ffs #worker's rights #bad management #rant #poverty wages #corporate american hellscape #incompetence #business business business #i hate everything

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420technoblazeit · 4 months

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tbh my understanding of kismesis is somewhat based on the fact that 1, teenagers are never gonna best-describe how a healthy relationship works regardless of if they're in one or not. and 2, the idea of, they aren't supposed to ACTUALLY try to kill each other and need an auspicestice or moirail if they are, only pretend they'll kill each other. Vriska and Eridan, for example, played at fighting, and it only really stopped being a kismessitude when Vriska stopped caring about Eridan.

A somewhat positive relationship based in the aesthetic of "fuck you and die" "you first", very deeply horny, and ultimately not about genuinely destroying or meaningfully hurting each other, seems pretty spot on for crowley/cas.

ok but correct me if im wrong but kismesis also involves some degree of competition with each other. and at its base it still has underlying hatred or smth of that nature and maybe a bit of pity. and sure i think to some extent crowley adn cas pity each other a little, hard not to when u both have such shitty lives, but i dont think the basis of their relationship is those negative feelings tbh. even when they were in direct conflict with each other it was never a personal kind of hate just like. youre in the way of my goals so it has to be this way. i think it's more like. occasionally begrudgingly having to work together and recognition of the self in the other and being incredibly uncomfortable with it. i still think theyre closer to moirails tbh even if that dynamic was kind of toxic at the beginning. i think crowley does a good job of grounding cas when he gets over his head (see again the purgatory arc) and goading him into opening up and being honest. and i think similarly cas does a good job of pulling crowley back when he goes too far and offering some degree of patience and understanding when he yk. loses control and does demon shit. they dont actually want anything horrible to happen to each other, at least late in the show, and maybe trust each other more than anyone else

#the pig squeals

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blowflyfag · 1 year

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WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION MAGAZINE : FEBRUARY 1999

MARK HENRY & CHYNA: Difference in Degree or in Kind? By Laura

Transcript Below!!!

Poetry is perhaps the most romantic route to a woman’s heart–especially if it’s reciter is also the author. However, throw in a sexual harassment lawsuit adn I don’t care how sweet the words may be, a woman will be turned off. Yes, my friends, the hackneyed expression stands firm–actions speak louder than words. Keep that in mind when reading the following commentary…

Marky Henry and Chyna–are they like two plates of the same barbell? It depends on who you ask, I suppose. Despite the personal and legal problems that have transpired between the two of late, it can be argued that the pair are very similar to each other. With very few exceptions, their lives have run on parallel courses. Both bright and ambitious, as youngsters they began bodybuilding–Chyna started in her teens and Mark Henry began as a child when he was given a weight set by his mother. Through bodybuilding, bot found their niches–and in sculpting their bodies, they sculpted their futures as athletes in the World Wrestling Federation.

In addition to sharing a passion for a careers in sports-entertainment, Mark Henry and Chyna had it rough growing up. As was revealed in an in-depth interview in the October 1998 World Wrestling Federation Magazine, Chynaa came from a dysfunctional family–one torn apart by the ravages of addiction and abandonment. Mark Henry faced poverty and racial prejudice in his early years–prejudice that he knew could be assuaged by superstardom.

Perhaps the most obvious affinity between the two is that they are the pinnacles of strength. It can be argued that he, the World’s Strongest Man, and she, the Ninth Wonder of the World, are the standard by which human physical strength should be measured. One thing is certain–both Mark Henry and Chyna are unique… they are anomalies of their kind. Both had to struggle in a competitive field where their minority status–Mark Henry being African-American and Chyna as a woman–do not make it any easier.

If we go beneath the surface, however, another picture develops, while the above constructions attempt to convey the truth, they can also be highly misleading.

In my opinion, the greatest difference between Mark Henry and Chyna lies in the matter of strength. I am not speaking here of who can bench press the most weight. Rather, I am speaking of self-confidence–not an inflated ego or the need to mask a case of low self-esteem–but of an inner strength.

When it comes to their futures in the World Wrestling Federation, both Chyna and Mark Henry have different visions. Chyna told me: “I look more selflessly to where the guys [DX] are going–I want what’s best for them.”

Meanwhile, posed with the same question, Mark Henry replied that it was his intention to prove the Federation and its superstars that he belongs and that he will surpass all of them. And no one is going to stop him–notThe Rock, Austin nor Vince McMahon.

When I asked Mark about his experience in the Nation and what his relationship was like with The Rock, he responded: “I felt like we [the Nation] were all there for his [The Rock’s] using. I admired and looked up to him, but I don’t see myself in his shadow…”

Like he had seen himself in his brother’s shadow? Perhaps there is a parallel here… In other words, when it comes to his vision of his future Mark Henry has only himself in mind–as well as a need for validity. In her plans for the future, Chyna has not only herself, but also the welfare of DX in mind. (is this the result of her need to create the happy family she never had…?)

Growing up both had premonitions of a future in the spotlight. However, for Chynait was innate knowledge–she knew that she had a talent to share with the world. For Mark Henry, on the other hand, he craved the spotlight and the attention it engenders. What Chyna knew was her natural talent was what Mark Henry felt he had to prove to the rest of the world.

I asked both Mark and Chyna what it means to them to be the World’s Strongest Man and the Ninth Wonder of the World, respectively, Mark responded that for him it meant, “No one can beat me,” and for Chyna, “it means that there's no other Chyna.” That I believe best conveys the difference between the two. For Mark Henry it is about competition–a constant struggle to prove he is worthy of being number one, as is indicated by his inept but sincere attempts to win the heart of a woman who simply shrugs him off. For Chyna it is about contentedness–being the unique woman that she is and sharing her talents with the world.

While similarities certainly exist between these two unparalleled individuals, upon closer examination differences are clear. It’s said that opposites attract–so, in the case of Mark Henry and Chyna does the old maxim stand up?

Stranger things have happened…

#Chyna #Mark Henry #wwf #world wrestling federation #magazine transcript #wwf magazine scan #wwf magazine

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makahimetenshi · 1 year

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Fooling around together - Paladin Danse x Sole Survivor Fanfic

This is the 5 part of a series of fics im writing lately, the order will be:

May I use your shower?

Volver a tener algo

Addicted to Chems

This one: Fooling around together

Traumas at the Commonwealth

Being awake

Since im in a rampage writing with this new ship I want to make some announcements

If you are very very very delighted with one fic and want a continuation I didn’t write or post you can donate me at least $5 bucks, most of this fics have next chapters I don’t finish because lack of motivation but hey a $5 is a $5, I see a few reviews and coments that fics that are abandoned months laters receive coments of wanting to know what happends next. Here it is, I finished my handling with you all, enjoy the fic

Danse didnt know how much of his life was actually…his life…

There was Haylen and Rhys since all the other members of his squad died under his command…theres also the registers on the brotherhood…but he cant access anymore since he was banished and there also was…

Nate.

But he didn’t have much record, a few months maybe.

Now and on he has Nate to count on him, of course the man wouldn’t only be a register of his existence but…he is a relieave proof of existence…

Maybe Nate can ask about the registers of his ADN on the brotherhood files but…

Danse sighted, he didn’t know how to ask that…

He didn’t know a lot of things. He was so unsure of everything…well Nate also was unsure, more paranoid than anything…

But now he had him, and Nate refused to let him go despite his true identity

-I love you beyond that-the man said to him in an ocation he was having a dark episode, is not like he didn’t care or take it on consideration but…-I love you Danse- love was stronger

A blush appeared on his face, and when it was time to came out his thoughts…

Ok it was 19hs and they were lucky to find an abandoned house with the walls in almost acceptable state, the rest of the house of course had already been looted and scrapped but…having 4 walls to sleep was a start, at least to avoid the commonwealth animals around…it was getting dark and they needed a place to sleep for tonight, Nate learned the bad way to not travel at night so when Danse said a few hours ago to start looking for a place to settle…he obey.

It didn’t pass much time since…they confessed, and expend together their first sleep, it wasn’t a big thing tho, just a few blowjobs and handjobs, this days weren’t nice and they didn’t find a nice spot to sleep or bath, at least he can think that’s the reason why they didn’t advance much…there was rush there was definetly rush but…Nate wanted to stop, and he was fine with it, but it makes him wonder what was happening since the vault man was the one who started…and seem more hungry of his body even but he always wanted to stop at some point…

Tonight…he sighted…well it was still an awfull place for that…maybe that was the reason? A special place and ocation? It was weird since they were both pretty adult man and that was…a really childish reason…a hygiene thing? Sure they didn’t bath but sometimes Danse think that Nate was going to devour him and then stops!

Grieve? He was a widower after all…maybe he is dealing with some feelings…

The house they were now setted…was weird…small, one of that classic wood American houses of less than 10m but two floors…beautifull garden and terrain but small house, as he saw in Santuary Hills Nate had one completely different, modern, he will say, large with a low height but 4 rooms…this was weird because you enter, see the living room with the table and tv for family dinner, a little kitchen to the side… a door out to the garden…a circular stair to go up and two bedrooms but…where the hell, where the hell where the bathrooms!? This was weird!

Not like he didn’t care about the poor choices an arquitec made building this house 200 years ago but this was weird, and a lot of houses around the commonwealth have the same problems, you see that wooden furniture full of decorations…so this people had money…but not a bathroom!

-Are you done with the checkings? –scream Danse to the upside floor, they went in the house and agree that there was no much time to keep wandering at open field to walk, so better just take this one to sleep and make a fire, but but but always was important to check out, you never know when theres a feral ghoul sleeping under the bed…maybe he was a normal person until a week ago an just transformed while cooking and out of nothing you get a bit on the neck trying to rip you off, so the procedure to find a place to sleep was…

1- Find a place

2-Check open spots on the rooft, find a place to put a bed

3- Look out for people, ghouls, or some animals

4- Loot if theres anything

5- Secure doors and open windows

6-Step out the power armors and park them in front of the door the room you are sleeping

7- ?????

Finding a place with a bathroom was secondary tho, there wasn’t much of that around so better not have hopes about it…

I mean they can poop in a bag and trow the bag away from a window at least, of course that wasn’t the best but is not like there was another option…

-Seems fine…theres a lot of furniture we can use to seal the windows, help me with the power armor- As soon he went up the stairs Nate was waiting for him with a wooden table flip to the side –help me to move, I preffer to not have sunlight than let a pack of flys get inside in the night –the ex-paladin nooded and help the new-paladin to place the table as a woodenboard –theres that drawer, crate, organizer and bookshelds…none of this windows have glass so…-again, the ex-paladin noded like he was the soldier under the commander officer…but he was now so, better help…

Once the original order of the room has been complete changed in order to protect their asses, practically boarding the entire room booth looked at their work, Nate sighted.

-There are some matress here we can use? Or better unpack the sleepingbags?

-Nono…apparently two adult people lived here, no childen, theres one matress on each room, lets pick them, move them here and trow the beds into the stairs, I don’t thrust the entrance of this house, better have the way blocked.

-And how are you planning to get out the house in the morning? We cant just make our way out with the power armors its difficult to move and punch stuff, better not get stuck.

-Lets jump from the windows, we are not that high from regular ground, but imagine if some raiders have in the night the same idea as us, these roads at not so lonely as you may think, theres a lot of caravans also so better make this place…unusable for any one that isn’t us…after all this house doesn’t have a bathroom what the fuck

Danse giggled, he had his same idea, it was silly because it was an obvious thing to notice but…it melted his heart.

-Let me force the door, put a booksheld in the front, get up and then we are trowing the beds down and let them crash okay? –Nate nooded and Danse went down, as he see around the little kitchen still have the refrigerator, so with the power armor strength he took out the steel door, use it as a block on the main door of the house, and then, just for security, picked up the entire refrigerator and trow it to the entrance, crealy blocking the way out…

Well there was open windows around the living room…but thing wasn’t to let people know they were setting up for the night so the less scandal they do the better, after all it was just a place to sleep…just 8 hours and out it cant be that difficult…he went up and meet his partner, then both went to the room and pick up the bed each one from one side, moved a bit to the stairs to position and…Danse kicked it down the stairs, obviously the crash against the bars and walls make the furniture break and collapse, making a mess difficult to clean up. Then the process was repited with a second bed, and now there was two broken wood beds in the middle of the stairs, blocking the way to the first floor of the house, if anyone wanted to surprise them it would surely have to explode the entire floor to make them come down.

That was unlicky to happen, possible yes but pretty crazy also…

Behind him, Nate went to pick up another booksheld with the hands of the power armorand kick it where it was the start of the stairs, moving it, still blocking the way, more even, surprising Danse at the harsh sounds of everything crashing and breaking.

The man was paranoid lately.

-Help me with a second one-said the man looking to anoooother booksheld not so far but…

-Don’t you think is enough with this? If we block out the only source of air we left we might intoxicate if a fire starts or something

-I mean its not like the room is hermetic but…you have a point, alright –then, Nate take out his headpiece, letting it rest over his hands –lets go to the room, im all sore from walking in this all day

The ex-paladin laughted, his partner never was a fan of using a power armor, too much worry he said, it breaks so easy he said, it uses so many materials to repair he said…so winy.

He started wearing all the time after they left the brotherhood behind…well Nate didn’t say he did

Danse sighted at thinking in that and went into the room, the procedure was as always, close the door, block it with drawer and then park the power armor in front of the furniture that blocked the way…Nate did that, apparently in a hurry to be normal again and not a steel doll, the man still have his fusion core on the hand…

-Want me to have it for a bit? –Danse offer his best help at seeing him so exhausted, but it was useless, since he came back from the institute he always looked this way.

-No, just came off yours so I can hide your fusion core too, park it in front of the matress, back to us like always.

The ex-paladin was actually happy of having this security procedures together, it went all one day that one caraban stole one of Nate power armors…the ones he collected at Santuary Hills…he always left them with the fusion core on until a woman name Carla stole one and refused to get out, the vault man didn’t want to kill her but he went sure to make a few holes on the armor with a carabin…..

Still, not enough to scare her and have the armor back so…never a fusion core at anyones reach, too risky

He did as he was told, after all Nate was a paladin now and he was a…citizen of the commonwealth…not a paladin anymore…damn he broke his ass for that title…but Nate too, still he didn’t have to obey him for that but it was time to rest anyway, the day was long and difficult as most days wandering in the wastelands…

Danse sighted at coming out the power armor, and then feel the other man hugging his waist, placing his cheek over his arm, the ex-paladin place a hand over the one on his waist and smiled, Nate craved sometimes for the touch, he didn’t like being separated with the armors.

-Do you want to start a fire or better eat some cans?

-Lets eat cans, I need the aluminium and the weight off, the water ones specially…is 1lt of water so…its weight…-the ex-paladin nodded and went to pick up their stuff, getting a can of purified water and some 200 years old pasta they found somewhere…radioactive? Hell yeah, it does matter? Well not exactly now for him as he was a synth…and Nate said something weird of not being affected by rads in the food after leveling up or something he didn’t pay too much attention.

Was he now or maybe always not affected by radiation? Was his human synthetized body affected or not? He was a bio-robot, clearly bio, Nate explained him the process how a synth is created in the institute and they managed to create life…soulless life, bodys without purpose until they put synth components to give them a personality, a memory bank, a processor…his mind wouldn’t be affected never by the radiation but his body…maybe yes…but what was the limitations of a super human robot? Maybe they were designed to not be injured by radiation, after all they were designed super human robots, why not delete all flaws? If they were trying to continue human species like before the war…

Stop.

Don’t keep thinking on it.

His brain repeated, for the third time in the day.

Sometimes he looses on the confusion of now being a synth but all life before being human…his sane mental state some times appeared to take him out the thinking depressive things hole, he was gratefull that still being walking on this difficult new path he was sane and conscious of how things were developing.

And Nate was right there to help him too.

They didn’t have forks or spoons to eat, they mostly put the can in their mouths and pray for the food to decide to come down onto their throats, then clean with a tissue, poor? Yes, the only option they had now? Also yes? Confortable? Well definetly not but…Nate say they were still together like this, that it wasn’t going to be much different for him to be all alone in Post Bravo…

The new paladin sat over the matress and went to open the pasta cans, Danse was so unsure of so many things lately…does he need to eat? He preffered to give Nate the food if he really was a robot but he remember feeling hungry or fainting from starvation before…those were really vivid memories…

-You seem in pain –said Danse sitting next to him, the man looked uncomfortable, the way his back was arched didn’t look right.

-You know im not fond of 24/7 power armor as you, it wasn’t a good idea to travel with one…I don’t wanna leave it behind but I don’t wanna use it either…-it was funny how there wasn’t a real currency and still Nate managed to be miserly about resources –I could hide my face some other way…

-I preffer your safety, is important to use it

-I been picked up and trow to a wall more times than my hand fingers can count without a power armor –said giving Danse one of the cans, the man picked it and moved the cold pasta a bit with his finger to make it loose

-I still preffer you with one on

-Im eating, make a pee and go to sleep, tonight is cold and im tired, we walked a lot

-Want me to take a guard?

-No, lets sleep together, I need your warm –Danse cheeks burned, it wasn’t like a code or anything but lately that phrase ended up with them getting all horny whenever they are sleeping, it was true they sleep more confortable in each other arms but it was also true that most of the situations ended up with them making up.

Alright then, this would be the night maybe?

Danse place the can over his lips and open his mouth, waiting for the pasta to go down to think in something else.

Situation wasn’t perfect, hell yeah it was shitty, they been in this exact same position before so it wasn’t new but there wasn’t any hope of a hot shower for Danse anymore now, there wasn’t a clear future for him, it disappoint Nate so much that the only thing he can offer the man was this…poor living conditions…better this than let him sacrifice for the Brotherhood ideals but still…he save him and force him into a crusade to run around the Commonwealth and avoid his responsabilities…this was the best he can offer right now…

Of course, he can come back to Sanctuary, Codsworth was always waiting for him but…one day he saw a small camp with a perfect view to the vault 111 in the forest with one small symbol drawed very similar to the ones the Railroad uses…that realization make his spine shiver, he would never feel safe at home again, someone is always watching, no matter on which side.

The thought made his body tremble, and as fast Danse noticed this, he put an arm around his shoulders.

Nate thought that Danse did it because it was cold, but the ex-paladin knew that Nate has demons just like him inside his mind, all the time…

There was noise, a lot of dark and ugly noise around them and it was their duty to mutually take care of each other and disperse the noise away from their minds.

He often find the man zooning out, trembling, falling, sighting or wanting to suppress a unexpected cry.

And just like Nate did it with him, he would watch over him too.

Danse finished his can of pasta, trow it to the next wall and then place his head over Nates shoulder, placing a hand over his knee while the man eat.

The man became a mistery after coming back from the institute…well both have flipping life changing experiences after all…like seeing the world burn wasn’t enough for Nate…

After Nate finished eating and drinking for the night, the miserly man pick up the cans and let them next to his things, preparing to go to sleep.

-Do you realize we need to find a station to fix your power armor right? Im not going to carry your trash until we find that –Danse was already laying on the matress, looking at his boyfriend peing against a hole in the wall, goddamit the new paladin find it hilarious to do that silly stuff and Danse didn’t get it, I mean it was practicall since the liquid and the smell wouldn’t stay with them but he did this in everyplace they sleep.

-Im not planning to, when did I ever gave you my trash?

-Im still carrying your fat-man

-Oh no im not hearing this, you are carring it because when I tried to get rid of it you said “nonono you cant go around dropping valuable things like that” like a angry dad, even if theres fat-man all around the corners…

-Well i…

-If it bothers you so much I should scrap it…

-Don’t even think on that

There was a brief silence, then a buckle from Nate, and then one from Danse, both laughted.

Nate tucked his dong after using a tissue, but didn’t actually fix his pants, when he turn around Danse saw him and blushed a bit, yeah, he suspected well…The man slowly made his way to sit next to him in the second matress and hold his cheek, looking directly at his eyes.

-Are you alright? –this was a way Nate had to ask him if it was okay to…advance…if he was unconfortable, too tired, too cold, sick, hurt or emotional he preffered to wait for the next day, but yeah, today he was fine, a bit tired just like him but…as fine you can be in the wastelands…

-Im okay –Danse hands went to the sides of Nates hips, making the man tremble a bit at the touch, but as soon he did that the new paladin lift his leg to sat over his stomach.

The positive thing about being on top of Danse was the view…Danse was actually a bit skinny but in comparision he was huge in size and Nate was so in love with that...both hands went to his cheeks, caressing the tick hairs of his black beard…gosh it was so masculine and handsome…

-I look at you and I cannot think on another thing more than telling you how much I love you…-the ex-paladin laughted a bit, enyoing the sensation of his fingers in his jaw, moving his fingers in circles over his hips

-You sure you are not just lusting?

-I think I have reasons to say that I love you deeply –Nate gave him a playfull smile at it, getting more closer to his face, and then out of nothing Danse hand moved to his crotch, pressing over the pants and the underwear, surprising Nate but taking a soft moan out.

-I have my reasons too –Nate laughted and his torso went down, laying on top of Danse chest, his mouth looked for his and he was well received with a deep and warm kiss, moving his head to the side to make them space confortable.

Yeah, this was right, this was definetly the thing he looked all over the day, if they could just disappear and be this close together without having to worry about surviving…

Danse hummed on his mouth and that surprised the other man, apparently he was having a blast with just a kiss, his hands moved to his wast, securing his grip at hugging him tightly, Nate moved his head a bit and the ex-paladin went desesperate to eat his mouth, they were not getting separed for oxigen until someones head gets red and both separate laughting from the intensity

Nates hands went down, moving all around his chest, pressing firmly with the tip of his fingers all it was avalible to touch, he loved how the man feel so firm and hard anywhere, the thing that really make him have doubts in the first place was how handsome and perfect he was and…he was having it, it was his, after wishing it for so long…

Nate went off the kiss because he was smiling, took some air and then went back to eat the ex paladin mouth in a tongue kiss, hands getting brave to get under his shirt and feel the warm of his skin, not to mention the beautifull sensation of the hair of his torso and arms…

Danse felt hot, really hot, Nate always rushed, had a level of intensity hard to keep, same as fightings, the man jumped directly in the face of danger and in bed he jumped directly to what he most desired…He loved that hands, hands that didn’t despise him for what it was, he could believe that as a synth he had no right to be loved or desired but it wasn’t like that, the other man was so fonded with him that he couldn’t care less about it, having that deep conection really make the ex paladin head fly…yeah…he liked this…he whished for this moments with him…a moan died between their tongues and he could feel how Nate went more exited from it, the man moved to sit more confortable over his hips and have a better pose, moving his hands to the side of Danse body, firmly grabbing and getting delighted with his abs, again, making the ex paladin moan, it tickle but also feel good.

Danse hands moved down again, placing over Nates pants in his clothed ass gripping with a bit of strenght, the man on top of him shiver at the touch, but as he bite his tongue and rob a moan he didn’t pay much attention to the rest…the feeling of Nates fingers tangling over the hairs on his chest make him snap a bit and pay attention to the sensations over his body, above being hotheaded, he was hard, very hard, his buldge was against Nates leg where he was sitted and take a moment to check over the situation, looking down, confusing the vault man who was enjoing the kiss at being separated like it…

Well look at that…an unconscious reflex made him buckle his hips, making the man on top move a bit, a groan came from the back of his throat at how good it felt, calling Nate attention, who stood up just to look too…Danse hands secure his grip onto his hips and set a peace where he would buckle slowly and soft into him and would move him a bit, trying to be circular but of course it wasn’t perfect, he close his eyes, goddamn it felt good, the rubbing with his crotch and his body was amazing but…

-Danse –Nate called for him, Danse was in a trance that took a few more attempts of him calling his attention before he could snap-Danse! –he sluddenly open his eyes…why wasn’t Nate moving? His hands went down, wasn’t he enjoying it as much as him?

-Are you alright? –said the ex paladin, it was true, the man didn’t make any move but he also wasn’t playing much attention. Nate seemed a bit…conflicted…not confortable…

-Sorry theres something I want to tell you –the ex paladin went up on his elbows, looking at his face, Nate went to cup his cheeks with a hand and place the other over his hot neck, liking how thick it was under his fingers.

This was it, this was the moment where they stopped but he never ask to…talk before…it was good it was good it was an advance…

-Yes?

-Sorry i…-the man sighted for a moment, taking a breath before looking down again- I been thinking a lot this days…and I really try to be open and give it a chance…to like it…-one of his hands grabbed Danse to put it over his crotch, sure he had an erection, he was hot but…all rubbery…not hard hard…it was very different from him, that sadded Danse for a moment but he was willing to hear his concerns…-I do not feel comfortable receiving…this…-he said as he pushed his ass against Danse buldge- doesn’t feel right for me…

Wow…

Danse sighted in surprise…ok he could deal with this is it was nothing…

-Its okay, do not feel bad for it –while this is clearly a turn off because of how much he was enjoing it he can understand the man worries…

-I do, because I want you…but I know I don’t like this…-said again, jumping a bit over the ex paladin erection still on his underwear, he was doing it on purpose- sorry I been trying for days to try to feel confortable with the idea but I cant…

-We can do another stuff…-this hit hard because lately he was thinking what was his real sexual experience…he cant make differences between the memorys implanted by the Institute and the ones he at least lived the last months so…

-You don’t get it –the vault man went down, facing him, lips against each other, talking with his warm breath against his skin while looking directly at his eyes –I want you…

-Oh…-Danse hands moved up, to catch his shoulders and secure him there, it was a nice pose, he liked how his eyes melted over his…

God this was hot, so hot, body was burning in desire right now even if the goddamn conversation was just about not doing it…His head moved to the side and sighted frustrated but then, out of nothing, Nate went to his ear and left a little wet kiss before whispering with his hot breath..

-Don’t worry ill just have to find the best way to fuck you –hearing that last one make the ex paladin slurp saliva hard, frozen…but not frozen…completely still on his place but burning like crazy, a wave of heat danced from his toes to forehead at hearing that. God having pants on now was killing him, he didn’t want to make the other man uncomfortable but…

-I think we are kinda familiar with anal sex at his age…

Silence…

Nate went back and had to use his hand to cup his mouth, snorking hard from the nose, Danse see the little wet drops from his nose as he tried to not burst in tears of laught, seeing him like that make the man also laught silly, it wasn’t actually that funny….but it was enough to trigger the silliness in Nates mind, and that always make Danse laught with him…

A few hands fly all around, playing with each other, laughting loud at the bad joke, Danse hands went to his stomach to pinch and play a bit making tickles and Nate went to defend himself from the little attacks, hugging the big man and moving around the matress.

Joy, this moments with him bring Danse joy…he could feel the man smile against his arm and shoulder and it make him feel his chest full of a very nice sensation.

A few moments later they relaxed a bit, Nate hugged him by the waist and make a hand find a way under his pants, finding so amazing how warm the skin of that zone was…

-I can help you for tonight…

-You don’t want anything? –Nate denied with his head, his fingers went more brave and down at meeting with his pubes, playing with the thick dark hairs at their encounter

-When I say im tired from the day I mean it…and I finally let this off my chest…I been forcing myself to try to like it so this is a relief

A bit disappointing? Yes but they weren’t in a rush or anything, and it could get better, he trusted the other man…habilities…

Danse kissed his forehead.

-You sure? –while he also desired the other man, to touch and kiss and bite and get off all the goddamn clothes off him…it was okay for this night, he admitted this wasn’t the best place and the conditions weren’t favorable –Okay…

Fingers went down down, getting lost between his dark hairs, making Danse shiver at expectation.

Nate moved to be between his legs, locking their eyes together and just make the most sexy smile he had ever seen, Danse feeled like he was going to be eat…and expected it harsh

-Stay with me for the rest of the night okay? I want your warm…-wait didn’t he say before that he needed the warm? the way that words left his mouth make his cock twitch, and the next thing Danse see before being obliged to close his eyes is the other man pulling his pants down to devour him entirely.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14236049/1/Fooling-around-together

#paladin danse #paladin danse x sole survivor #fallout 4 #makahimefanfic

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cheswirls · 5 months

Text

(this got long fair warning)

every so often i'll get the urge to do something and have to mentally ask myself 'but do you actually care?'

and it used to be a reflexive response bc i decided when i graduated hs that i was gonna stop worrying so much abt what other ppl thought abt me and this helped me greatly at the time to be more confident etc etc and i developed the habit bc i would ask abt smth or worry abt doing smth purely based on other ppl's opinion adn not actually. what i wanted. so i'd backtrack and be like 'actually i asked but i rly don't care so don't answer that' or i'd think, like, 'it doesn't matter what other ppl think, just wear what you want if you'll be comfortable in it' and i think that's a great skill i've developed

but in the past year or so i've also realized that it's okay to wonder abt other ppl's perceptions and to act based on such. i do clinical rotations for my major and it's frequent to hear girls apologize for not shaving their legs or whatnot and my reflexive response is always 'hey who cares abt that' which is true like. i do think it's smth they need to let go of but also i've realized it's kinda insensitive of me to assume everyone else has the capacity to be so lackadaisical and not stress abt what others think of them. even if it's with good intentions.

and then in realizing that, i started thinking that it's okay for myself to care abt other's opinions. like yea at certain points it's been fine - if i'm getting dressed to go do laundry at the laundromat down the street then i don't need to stress abt wearing oversized sweats and such as long as i can get around in them okay. like as someone with such bad social anxiety at certain points it rly is me over-stressing the little things nd i do need the reminder to calm down.

but also. it is normal and human to want others to have a good perception of you. if the situation calls for it, then i do need to dress more professionally and behave a certain way and such. even if i don't particularly care abt how much of an outcast i am, there are still societal obligations and things i need to think abt. that's also normal.

and in realizing all of this and having my thoughts gradually change on the matter, in having me accept that it's not as normal as i'd like for the average person to shrug off their cares and worries when it comes to how others see them, then i do feel like i've had more empathy abt the matter too. but that's. anyway,

the point is that lately when i'm hesitating abt a decision and i ask myself 'do you actually care abt that?' then it's been less of a reminder to myself to not worry as much and more of a direct question for me to figure out in order to make a decision - does it really matter to me, or am i inflating an issue that no one will notice? does it matter to me or someone else? and even outside of all that, it's a simple yes or no: does it really matter or does it not? if it really matters that i can't wear this or that bc i'll worry abt how others will see me, then that's fine and i need to accept that and move on. it's okay for me to not be 100% confident and shrug everything off. i'm learning to see that now and it's been good for me. i've never been good at dealing with people but i have been becoming more self-aware abt the subject.

instead of asking 'do i really care' to justify something, i'm asking to figure out if it's important to me, and if it is, then i should just do it. because it's not completely abt not doing smth, there's a lot of it that's been wanting smth out of curiosity and then having to backtrack and see if it actually matters. like, not that i'm being nosy, but in the same line of asking if i care like i'm checking to see if i'll care abt an outside opinion, this is like, me asking to see if i actually want to know smth or of i've engaged with the matter on reflex. earlier today i thought back on a group chat for work that wanted each of us to like a message to make sure we read it and since i was the first to see and respond, i was a little curious the next day (today) if everyone liked the same message or liked the one that directly asked for a response. which, like. that's the anxiety talking to make sure i did something correctly, and in the grand scheme of things it rly doesn't matter. a year ago i would've waffled on checking back to see which message got responded to by everyone and then asked myself if i actually cared and decided i didn't and left it at that.

that's not a bad thing, but in adding nuance to that self-imposed question (so that it's not a way to shut myself down and instead to decide how important smth is) it's allowed me to parse thru things easier. i'm losing my train of thought. but basically i decided that it did matter bc i was curious and i checked and then moved on. and then i had this whole realization that less and less lately i've been shutting myself down and giving myself a chance to think abt what matters to me, which has also been good. sometimes i'm just curious, and that's not a bad thing. i don't need to worry so much abt asking or doing smth and being shut down or ridiculed or whatever other negative thing can come from it. as long as i keep in mind that like, there's a time and place for things and that i generally want ppl to think of me positively in aspects of my life that matter, then i'm good. i don't need to fear so much. i don't need to worry.

this got out of hand and i've rambled for a bit w/o rly knowing what i'm trying to say at the end so. that's that ig

#ah sry abt the length i didnt wanna shove this under a cut #personal #i guess

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the-firebird69 · 11 months

Video

youtube

Radiohead - Karma Police

and this will happen shortly possibly tonight we have info says tonight and they try for macs fields. adn this one of the final straws name in vane too. really they hit his stuff no. they take his life no. are not listening adn ok it is a pain.

Thor Freya

they do go after us. and hit some. and take some down. and we hit back hard but no this is normal well no. there is an incident coming up. one we cannot afford and it is a base ok the star killer. and that is it. your all done after that. true too that is when he says. and they die one by one. lots firing it incorrectly. andwe see too hit our big stuff and from the ground. and it is outside bc. are at it a lot lately. soon it iwll be out. is in the predator movie and yeah your sick idiots glued on head and such and gross pigs too. took a mutant body this is sick shit. by tommy f and ok true. but i cannot handle it anymore you dumb ok the empire is huge.

mac

and your part of it an extension and ccant stop we need you to

morlok

so we join forces

mac

we cant now you sue us all. we sue you back. and make it work

bja

and we wont allow it you numbskull you die now ok

mac

#youtube

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wheezyboykaspbrak · 7 years

Text

it’s 5am and i hope i don’t make this a bad habit

i was talking with my new bud and uhh wow so here’s some hcs about eddies first kiss (warning it’s Reddie Y’all)

- eddie is in his senior year of hs and like. he doesn’t ever really think about dating that much? (maybe this one person ONCE in middle school but he gets way too embarrassed even thinking about it) and besides!! he loves his friends, and he always thought that was enough?

- and he still does, it’s just beginning to bother him when he sees everyone (especially his friends!) pushing him into getting a date (even if they don’t really mean to push)

- richie is the person who messes around and jokes about it the most, pinching at his sides and always asking when eddie was going to ‘fall in love’

- (he’s already fallen in love with all of the other losers, he doesn’t need to love anyone else, he’s said this countless times! but he just gets the same ‘awww’s and grins no matter which loser he directs it towards, like maybe they don’t really believe him)

- but one day richie just gives him the cheesiest grin he’s ever seen and bumps his side with too much force, saying maybe a bit too loudly, 'i know you couldn’t have fucked anyone- but come on, i bet you haven’t even kissed anyone either, eddie. maybe you’ll learn to love outside of the lucky seven if you finally just put on your big boy breeches and kiss someone!’

- and that just. rubbed eddie the Wrong Way? like he was saying his platonic love with the losers would never be enough? like maybe he was saying eddie wouldn’t really be grown up until he found someone to kiss, and someone ELSE to love, and he got defensive, raising his hands up with a trademarked grimace

- 'kissing is gross, richie, and-’

- 'eddie, edster, you’re 18-’

- 'yeah! well! im sure you’ve heard of mono, influenza, the plague-’ and he was sure getting tired of being interrupted, even if he sounded ‘ridiculous’

- 'eddie really, the plague?’

- 'YES! YES, RICHIE, THE PLAGUE. and besides, there is no one i would even want to kiss, so just shut your own damn infested mouth already.’

- and then richie almost dies laughing, but drops the subject near immediately- alleviating the situation by grabbing eddie by his arm and squeezing, leading him and talking about the dinner plans they had made with the others for tonight- in the same, little place they could at least all agree on

- eddie is still a little tense but he just knows richie was messing with him, so he falls back into the conversation, letting himself be led to the lunchroom with only a huff in protest

- but now suddenly it’s around 630pm?

- and the losers all have met up at the run down italian restaurant, having a hoot, sitting snug on a wrapped, big booth, with eddie sandwiched in between mike and richie- he’s having a good time, they all are

- and of course, richie, being richie, tried to lady and tramp it with eddie, only to be shoved away and rejected (as he was being eddie)-

- and richies knee jerk reaction is to roll his eyes, saying out loud that eddie is 'no fun’ that he 'would never make it to big screen productions’ if he ‘wouldn’t even have his first kiss! i mean has eddie even heard of a casting couch?’

- and eddie gets so flustered at the mention of not being kissed yet that he just freezes, and eddie knows deep down that the losers don’t care, that they love him just as much he loves them, and wouldn’t think any less of him for it but- but the laugh that it gets out of them makes him feel awful. at least mike managed to sense eddie was tense and was able to 'beep’ richie before he could continue to ramble on.

- the night went swimmingly afterwards, but eddie got a little bit colder after that, only finally warming back up at the end, laughing more comfortably with the others and melting into both richies and mikes sides (more mikes than richies).

- they all pay and part their ways after that, with hugs and some goofs- but richie walks straight to eddie and just!! offers to walk home with him, even though it’s probably more convenient for richie to walk with bill

- richie just felt like he really upset eddie, and had an idea on how to make it better!

- so when they finally get to eddies house, after more jokes and silence (that at times felt comfortable, but this one felt a little tense?), richie follows him up to his bedroom and paces around a bit, before eddie glares and shushes at him, pointing downstairs (to where he knows his mother rests)

- 'stop, you goddamn stampede of a string bean. if you want to stay and hang out just sit down, and read a comic book or som-’

- 'eds, let me ask you something.’

- and there’s a pause, and eddie begins to pick at the dirt underneath his fingernails, and then the pause is too long, and eddie holds his hands out, exasperated (and a little nervous)

- 'christ- im going gray over here, richie-’

- 'you love us, the gang, right? i mean of course you obviously love me, i’m your favorite- but you do love us? what if, and i’m a genius so tell me when you’re not following anymore, one of us kissed you? so you’re not so flustered about it anymore- you trust us enough, and maybe it will give you a little boost of confidence! we are all incredibly hot, too, which is just an added bonus.’

- and now eddie is silent, and he’s stopped picking at his nails, and richie begins to laugh, and it’s painfully nervous, but he just doesn’t know how to stop-

- 'i knew it was a master plan but jesus fuck, i didn’t know it was that stunning! come on, eddie, whaddya say?’ he stopped before quickly adding, 'if you want to pretend like this never happened let me know edster- and ill strut my ass out of here so quick even your mother won’t notice, and she’s always one to notice my sweet ass whenever i’m in the function.’ finger guns seemed like the only appropriate way to end that sentence, but richie could already feel himself dying inside, just a little bit

- but then eddie finally mumbles out 'you want me to kiss one of our friends?’ and it only sounds a lttle off

- 'i mean, i guess- and even if you wanted to kiss me, that would be fine! listen, eddie, i’m an expert. just say the words, i’m all lips, i got you, we got you.’

- and for being so forward eddie can hear how nervous richie is in his voice, but eddie? himself? could feel his heart beating out of his chest. and he didn’t really know why

- so. he just says okay, he nods, and he’s shaking and he still just- he doesn’t know why. but now richie looks visibly more relaxed, and he lets out such a heavy sigh eddie almost feels himself getting knocked back.

- richie sits on the bed and then pats the space beside him, and eddie sinks down into his own sheets before turning towards richie and crossing his legs, fisting the fabric of his shorts

- richie just wants eddie to relax because! he swears to eddie, he’s in good company! richie has kissed dozens of people before (he doesn’t say that though, he’d get an earful about germs), and he knows just how to make eddie feel right, and seeing eddie in front of him likes this makes him want eddie to feel loved- and woah, he doesn’t know where that’s coming from, but he doesn’t think about it too much now. and now, maybe too fast for eddie, richie turns to face eddie himself, his own legs crossed, and his hands now holding eddies jaw like he was made out of glass

- 'eddie tell me when this is enough, when we have done enough.’

- and eddie has been so quiet, and it makes richie a little hesitant, but he does nod in richies grip-

- right before richie presses the softest kiss to eddies mouth, and it’s a dry one but richie instantly feels his heart go weak at the sigh eddie makes, one he must of been holding in

- richie keeps on kissing at eddies lax lip, sometimes giving a kiss to his cheek, something familiar, rubbing their noses together just barely, softly, before he goes back to kissing him

- it’s one of the gentlest kisses richie has ever had??? and he half expects eddie not to kiss back, do anything back at all, but then eddies hands are on richies knees, hooked near his thighs, and richie has to pull away and actually look at eddie, see if anything was wrong, because?? maybe this was his way of telling him to stop?

- but eddies eyes were closed, and his mouth was only a little red, but his cheeks were vibrant, and now warm under richies thumbs and-

- richie couldn’t help but go back in- he makes the kiss a little wetter, and eddie seems a little bit confused on what he was supposed to do, still, but richie just does his best to show eddie how- using that big mouth of his for something other than long strings of words-

- and words?? weren’t really needed at this point, as the boys began to add more hands and tongues and even teeth and christ when richie started kissing down eddies neck eddie made such a heavenly gasp out of his name- 'richie, please’- that richie couldn’t stop himself before leaving a bright red mark, right under eddies ear, the keen his got in response making him want to kiss eddie, again and again and again and again-

- it was overwhelming

- but after a kiss to the mark and a few more pecks richie pulled away and got another good look at eddie and wow- that was a mistake, because if the way eddie looked before made richie need to kiss him again, the way eddie looked now made richie want to instantly give him the world

- and fuck if he knew why

- eddies lips were wet and this time they were actually swollen, his eyes had opened but they were so, so lidded, his pupils were blown wide, and his eyelashes fluttering with the few stuttering breaths he took and richie-

- richie had to stand up, now, he should probably leave- but christ he didn’t know how or when it happened but he had a lap full of eddie, who was now slumping himself against richie and tucking his head on his shoulder, and he could hear the shaky sighs that came out of eddie before he heard a soft mumble

- 'thanks.’

- and with that eddie climbs out of richies lap, adjusting his shirt looking anywhere, everywhere but the boy beside him

- richie can deal with that, but he was still just so shocked, at himself, at eddie, so he quickly responds with a 'no problem, happy to do it, make sure you rate your experience in the guestbook upfront- uhh, christ, come do it again, whenever you’re in the area.’ and he has to force himself to stop talking, biting on his tongue-

- but eddie let’s out a laugh, something loud and genuine and richie still hasn’t resolved this, hasn’t resolved anything, but when eddie laughs he feels the haze clear and everything feels so light in that moment.

- eddie is just surprised that richie might’ve been right about something- that kissing can help you learn that you love someone (a little bit more than he had previously thought)

srry if thhis is bad i need sleep

#reddie #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #it's late adn i need to stop #my hcs

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moonshine-nightlight · 2 years

Text

Finally Woken: Part Three

Working for the family business of traveling trade caravans, means you‘ve always accepted having to put up with a lot from your family, especially your dad. He finally goes to far when he tries to sell your prized possessions to make up for his own business failings. You’re proud of yourself for making a stand, but he’s not wrong when he says you don’t have any real connections outside the family--but he’s not completely right either.

Your closest friend happens to live in the city you’re stopped at so you decide to see if you can stay at his place until you can figure out what you’re going to. You’ve never come by the city this early, but he’s probably fully woken up from the naga’s traditional bout of hibernation by now, right?

Fantasy, friends to lovers, naga, male monster x female reader, M/F, Part 3 of 8

Story Status: Complete

AO3: Finally Woken Chapter 3

[Part One] [Part Two] Part Three [Part Four] [Part Five] [Part Six] [Part Seven] [Part Eight - NSFW]

You have never had a morning where you so wanted not to leave your bed. Granted, you’ve never woken up with a naga wrapped around you while in a nest of blankets.

Heshi is still pressed close against you, warm, but even spending the night with your human heat and blankets isn’t enough to make him truly hot or make you sweaty. Instead you feel warm and cozy, like curling up with a good book on a rainy day. If one was within reach, you might have done so. As it is, you don’t get up until you really need to pee.

He makes a small noise when you start prying him off of you, frowning as he loses his heat source. You give a brief magical charge to one of the blankets you gave him, the kind with a warming spell woven into it, and slide it into the well of warmth you leave behind. He gives a small huff that you can’t help but find adorable as he grudgingly accepts the substitute. You hurry off to the bathroom, the stone floor cold beneath your feet.

The trip and the cold are enough to wake you up and make you start actually thinking about your plans for today. As much as you wish you could spend the day napping or reading with Heshi spiraled around you in his nest: there’s too much else you have to do. Some of that anxiety about your future that you’ve managed to push away with Heshi’s presence is reasserting itself.

You need a plan.

Everything has been tossed out the window with your leaving your family’s caravan—you're never even lived in one place for more than a couple months in a single stretch and certainly not on your own. The entire extended family lives together, works together—you know them and that life like the back of your hand.

And now it’s just you.

Well, you glance at Heshi’s doorway as you walk by, perhaps not just you.

-/-

“Heshi?” You forgot to ask about touching him last night, so you err on the side of caution, knowing how nagas are likely to strike when startled. One only has to watch someone tap a naga on their shoulder when they weren’t expecting it once to have the reaction stick in their memory. You bite down on a berry and remind yourself that you’ll definitely need some other plan because you don't have that many of these left.

“Come on, sleepyhead,” you say. “You can manage a few minutes with your eyes open, yeah?”

Sooner than you expect, he twitches, mouth opening. His tongue lazily slips out to taste the air and the rest of him follows as he sits up with a grumble. Unerringly, but with his eyes closed, he moves towards you and murmurs your name.

“Yeah, it's me,” you say. “Thirsty?”

His eyes slide open once his face is only a few inches from yours. They blink at you in the soft lantern light before flicking to the large cup of water you offer him.

“Yesss,” he hisses, his hand covering your own as he takes it from you. He’s not as warm as you expected coming from the mound of blankets, but you let go of the cup easily, glad you’d remember what he said about what he needed while slowly coming out of hibernation.

You find yourself momentarily entranced, watching his throat move as he gulps down the water. He’s careless enough when he drinks it down that a few drops slide from the corners of his mouth to run along his jaw and neck.

With a flush, you drag your eyes away. When he sets down the empty vessel, you refill it from the jug you brought in anticipation.

He blinks at the quick movement before flashing you a smile. “Thanks.” He brings the cup back up to his mouth, but only sips from it this time. “I’m glad I didn’t dream up your visit, as pleasant of a dream as that might have been.”

“Oh, hush,” you say, rolling your eyes at his flattery. “You just want more berries.”

He presses a hand to his chest in mock offense. “How dare you doubt the pleasure your company brings me?” He lets a beat pass, before his eyes land on the pouch next to her. “But you did bring more berries, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, yeah.” You nudge the bag closer to him. “I don’t have an infinite supply, you know.” You caution as he pops two in his mouth at once with the glee your little cousins usually save for presents at Midwinter.

Heshi swallows before giving you an innocent smile. He holds the pouch towards you in offering. It’s not really what you meant, but you pull out a berry to eat with a smile.

He watches you for a moment, his mind likely trying to reboot enough to hold a true conversation. Your suspicion is confirmed when he does a little shimmy, sending a ripple down his elegant spine, which cracks obligingly, before asking, “How was your day, since you were awake for it? You didn’t go back to your parents already, right?”

“No, no,” you reassure him. “I think I’ll go see my cousin tomorrow to set up when he wants me to teach him how to take over my duties, but I need some time and space before I see my parents again.”

Heshi nods, smiling at you in a way that makes him look proud of you. Smothering the warm feeling that stirs up in you, you go on to say, “Instead I signed up to take city licensing exams and went to the market.”

“Boring,” Heshi teases. “Get anything fun in the market?”

“Food,” you replied flatly. “This place is stocked for your hibernation. I had to reactivate all the spell work in the kitchen and then get things for me to eat. It was actually kinda fun.”

“Grocery shopping was fun?” Heshi asks before finishing off his second cup of water, a skeptical look on his face as he refills his own glass.

You fidget before shrugging. “I never did the shopping—one of my uncles handled that. It was interesting to see how many things they offered and to buy for myself, buy more than just a snack to eat while walking around, I mean.” Margins were always kept tight and, unless it was a meal with someone they were doing business with, your family was to eat modestly. And you never went to business meals. It wasn’t your role. Your only business meal was with Heshi once a year, since he very kindly only did trade with your family through you.

It had been a little painful at first, spending so much of your savings on food, even knowing it was for at least a week, but it was freeing too. “It was easier when I realized I didn’t make sure I had lamb for my brother, no green beans,” you make a face, because they’re your least favorite and yet whenever they’re available your dad has to have them. “Or beer or anything else except what I like. I got extra pesto.” Your mom is allergic.

Heshi must still be particularly sleepy because the look on his face is softer than usual. Then his eyes narrow playfully. “Did you get something else? A treat perhaps, to celebrate your grocery freedom.”

You shove him in the shoulder and he goes with the motion, but the teasing smirk stays firmly on his face. “Maybe,” you admit. “Just some laraha liquor. I haven’t even opened it yet.”

Heshi’s eyes lit up. “Delicious.”

“Yeah? Want to have some with me?” It’s easier to justify the expense if your friend joins in.

“Yes,” he says. “I haven’t had any in forever, languishing away in my nest as I am.”

You scoff. “Right, well I wouldn’t want you to have to leave your nest. I’ll refill this,” you grab the pitcher, “and bring us the drinks.”

Heshi grins unabashedly as he sinks back down into his nest. “Aw, thanks.”

When you come back with all the drinks delicately balanced, he’s dozed off. His arms are folded over the lip of the nest and his head is neatly resting on top of them. You shake your head as you carefully set everything down, trying to be loud enough to wake him up, but not rough enough to break anything.

It still takes a call of his name to rouse him, although it only takes the one time. Heshi perks up when he sees the delicate, orange glassware you selected from his personal kitchen collection of pieces he’d made.

“I hope you don’t mind,” you say when you follow his line of sight.

“Not at all, that’s why they’re there, darling,” he says, waving off your concern as he smothers another yawn. “You’re to stay here as long as you wish and use whatever you wish. I insist upon it.”

“Alright, alright,” you say, ignoring the pet name that he obviously hadn’t even realized he’d used. “Speaking of: anything you want me to pick up the next time I shop in the market?”

Heshi shakes his head. “No, I’ve got a deal with a reptilian butcher. Standing order for when I wake up from hibernation, she knows everything I need. Nell is normally the one who wakes me up if I don’t naturally. What’s the date?” After you tell him, he nods. “Yeah, she should be by in a few days then and that should work out to when I’ll want more than drinks. Short wakes for water; then lots of meat, then lots of sun, and then back to business as usual. Deliveries for supplies for my shop might start showing up, but only the basics—I’ll choose the colorants and so on myself. My suppliers all know where to leave things.”

“I’m glad you’ve got your routine down pat,” you admit, glad you're not messing anything up or that you should know more than you does to help. You think Heshi’s even mentioned his friend before although you doesn’t think you've actually met Nell. “And some alcohol is alright?” you ask even as you pour them each some.

“Yes,” he agrees accepting his cup. “Warming.” He waggles his eyebrows and you roll your eyes.

“Heat hog.”

“Guilty,” he accepts easily. When you go to take a sip, his hand covers the top of your glass. “We need to do a toast,” Heshi insists.

You sigh before motioning for him to do one if he wants to. “To this new chapter in your life.” You can’t resist the pleased smile that brings to your face and clink your glass against his own. You drink at the same time and everything seems right with the world

Later, when Heshi manages to convince you to stay with him once more, you blame the liqueur and refuse to acknowledge that you'd need to have had far, far more for it to actually impede your judgment in any significant way.

-/-

Two nights later finds you sitting on the edge of the nest, up to your calves in blankets. Heshi leans back against you while you carefully undo his mussed plait. You'd offered to re-do it for him and he’d accepted happily. His hair is long and in far better condition than your own would be if you hadn’t washed it in two months. It’s far longer than yours and you try to figure how best to deal with the length as you pick up the comb he’d had you grab. It goes far smoother through his hair than yours ever does and he sighs at the motion. “Let me know if I pull too hard,” you tell him, remembering your mother’s habit of yanking through knots.

“Okay,” he agrees, head tilting forward with a sigh. “Now, what’d you get up to today? All I did was sleep and dream of your return.”

You shake your head, careful not to let the motion effect your strokes with the comb. “I already told you I’m out of berries. The only ones left are the family’s for official trading.”

He lets out another bereft and over dramatic sigh. “You wound me. I need no bribes when I have your company.”

“Did you dream of the theater?” you tease, wondering what brought on this exceedingly silly mood. “Because you’re certainly acting like a dramatist.”

“I wish,” he says, perking up. “The new play should be running now, but until I fully emerge from hibernation—I’d just fall asleep during it. We should go in a few weeks, I bet you’d love it.”

“Yeah?” You realize that since you’ll be living here, you’ll be able to do a lot more, see a lot more of the city. “That sounds fun.”

Heshi turns his head enough to catch your eye and grin. “There’s so much to do here, I promise you’ll like living here.”

You smile, squeezing his shoulder in gratitude. “I know I will.”

He nods and turns back around. You set aside the comb and begin to separate his black hair into sections for the braid. He didn’t want anything too tight, just organized enough that it didn’t go everywhere while he slept. “I went to the university today. I needed to refresh my memory before my exams. Getting licensed never mattered before because obviously my family trusted my knowledge, but it seems like the best way to get started here. I’m still not sure many people will want to hire a stranger to do their ledgers for them, but it should help.”

“New businesses always need help getting started,” Heshi points out as he adjusts his position in front of you, sliding another pillow behind his back which jostles your leg a bit. “Even if they plan to manage the books themselves, it's always good to have an expert set everything up and make sure you know the basics—I know I did.”

“Yeah? Maybe that’s what I can do for now,” you say thoughtfully. “I’m not sure I want to stay a bookkeeper—I could do anything I want now, I guess. But it's really all I’m trained to do and I know I can do it so it's fine for now. Oh! One of the actual university students asked me to tutor them today. They needed the book I was looking at for a class and we ended up sharing.”

“Oh?” You can almost see the elegant arch of his brow despite him facing the other way as your careful fingers braid his hair.

“Yes, they were quite polite about it too. We got to talking and after a bit, they asked me if I’d mind helping them with something tomorrow.”

“They’re not just bothering you, are they?”

You can feel Heshi’s arm tense next to your leg and you nudge the naga in mild reproach. He retaliates by holding your leg hostage against his side. “They’re a nice kid,” you admonish, ignoring the way his cool, strong fingers feel wrapped around your calf. “And they offered to buy lunch. They said they might invite a few friends too and told me how to get registered as an official school tutor. Then I could rent a meeting room and change an admission fee for help. I guess you don’t have to be a student or former student to do that if you have the right qualifications? It means I could make some extra money is the point. The rates aren’t half bad.”

He gives another half turn to smile at you. “That sounds great. Between your cousin and now this, maybe teaching is the way to go.”

You smile back bashfully. “I don’t know about that—we’ll still have to see if anyone likes how I explain things, but there are so many possibilities. It's intimidating.”

“But?” Heshi prompts.

“But also pretty exciting,” you admit. His knowing gaze is getting to you, making you feel self-conscious, so you put your hands on his head and turn him back around. “Now stop distracting me. You’ll mess up my hard work.”

Heshi chuckles. “Alright, alright. Tell me more about this kid you adopted at the library.”

You roll your eyes, but get back to braiding. By the time you're done, you've told him all about Nar and how the university students will be taking the same licensing exams in a couple months, with class exams until then. You already know the material and it’s really only refreshing your memory for the formal tests—so you don’t really have to learn anything extra. “They think some students will just be interested in hearing how it goes,” you say as you tie up the end of the braid. “Most of the professors were licensed years ago and those who passed recently tend to go across the city for apprenticeships. So they’re normally too busy to answer questions or stick around.”

After a final survey of your work, you pat Heshi’s shoulder. “There we go. You’re all set.”

Heshi pulls the braid over his shoulder to inspect it and smiles up at you. “This looks lovely, thank you.”

You blush. “It's not that hard, Hesh.” Unable to take the sweet look on his face for any longer, you put your hands on the ground to lever yourself up.

Heshi flinches at the move and puts his hand over yours. “Where are you going?”

You raise an eyebrow. “I need sleep too.”

“Stay here,” Heshi replies, wide eyes guileless as he admits, “I missed you last night.”

You had ended up in the guest room last night, Heshi having woken up earlier than usual and fallen asleep before you were tired enough to do the same. Even though you were pretty sure he wouldn’t have objected, you felt like you should try to sleep in your own bed. It was strange how unfamiliar the normal bed had seemed, leaving you feeling oddly exposed and lonely.

“I'm sure you didn’t even notice.”

Heshi pouts. “Of course I did.”

You shake your head fondly before allowing, “Maybe you missed my warmth.”

“Missed you,” Heshi insists, his eyes unblinking. “Growing up, we all used to sleep together. When I got older, my friends and I used to meet up for hibernation too. It’s nice to do that again.”

You know Heshi’s family lives far away, that he sees them rarely, but that had seemed too incomprehensible as someone who lived and worked with their family that you hadn’t thought much more about it. You also knew he’d moved to the city with a few friends, other nagas primarily, but that too had seemed too foreign to your life to properly process. Now you do. “Why don’t you anymore?” You’ve never had many friends and you don't know what it would be like to lose them.

Heshi shrugs. “Some moved back home, some moved further away. Others got mates or just drifted apart. It's fine hibernating alone—you’re right, in deep hibernation I don’t notice. Of course you don’t have to stay with me,” he says making it clear he doesn’t want you to feel obligated–for all he could be rather hands on, he’d been very careful in the beginning of your friendship to make sure he wasn’t making you uncomfortable. Even now he’s trying to make you relax as he jokes, “Even if I think nests are the most comfortable way to sleep.”

You laugh. “I don’t mind,” you admit. “I just…” Didn’t want to intrude? Have a hard time believing anyone really wants me so close? Don’t want to get used to it? Heshi will come out of hibernation mode in a week or so and then where will you be? You'll still pathetically be longing for him to be wrapped around you while he will be getting back to normal. “You really want me to? As more than just a convenient heat source?” You hope your voice is light enough that he thinks you're kidding.

Heshi nods with a smile. “I’d cuddle with you even if you were cold as ice—but we’d need more blankets.”

You laugh, feeling strangely flattered. “Alright.” He lights up at your capitulation. “It is pretty nice to sleep in a pile of pillows. And with you too, I guess.”

He tsks, scrunching up his face. “Always so rude.” Then he drops the act and grasps you by the waist, nuzzling into your shoulder. “You’re lucky I’m the forgiving sort.”

You laugh and allow him to pull you the rest of the way down.

[Part Four]

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