#it's just being pushed on me so much lately. especially now that we've got our own place

[elenadoeslife]

I'm now at the point in life where people constantly question me about having kids. It's really bugging me, because we aren't even sure yet if it's something we want and we both got a late start in life. We only just started to bloom, in our (almost) early thirties.

I never quite understood why people struggle so much with this question, but now I do

[unkownbee]

Eliza: Stop doing that.

Alexander: Stop doing what?

Eliza: Saying things that make me wanna kiss the hell out of you.

Eliza: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma?

Alexander: Oklahoma City, bitch!

('Tis a joke. Ham would never swear at his lovely wife)

Alexander: Where did you get that tomato soup?

Eliza: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

(When Eliza's too tired to put effort into cooking actual food)

Alexander: So you like cats?

Eliza: Yeah.

Alexander: Tries to impress her by slowly pushing a glass off the table.

Alexander: You got a date yet Eliza?

Eliza: No.

Alexander: Well you do now! Get your ass up and hold my hand!

Eliza: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me.

Alexander: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do.

(She's mad at him because he swore in front of baby Philip and Angie)

Alexander: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Eliza meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.

(I don't know if they would actually do this, but I like to believe they would <3)

Alexander: Snow got me feeling some type of way.

Eliza: That's hypothermia.

Alexander: Damn, the paramedics told me it was the magic of Christmas.

(Eliza is very much concerned and trying to get him to go inside and sit in front of the fire)

Eliza: The first time I saw you, you stole my heart.

Alexander: But I'm a kleptomaniac, so that doesn't mean anything.

(Oh, it means everything <3)

Eliza: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Alexander: Okay.

Eliza: And make out during the scary parts.

Alexander: Th-

Alexander: The scary parts.

Alexander: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

(Yes, Alexander. She didn't stutter. The scary parts. Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl)

Alexander: I’m so tired.

Eliza: Did you get to bed late?

Alexander: No.

Eliza: Did you do something strenuous?

Alexander: No.

Eliza: Then why are you tired?

Alexander: I’m alive.

Eliza: Sounds exhausting.

(Eliza is right. Being alive is super exhausting 😔)

Alexander: Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?

Eliza: Aww-

Alexander: With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!

(No, because he would definitely do this. You can't prove otherwise)

Alexander: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.

Eliza: That's great, Alexander. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 10 years and have 4 children.

(Ham just got back from drinking with his friends. He's drunk 😁)

Alexander, trying to flirt: So, you come around here often?

Eliza, confused: I mean, this is our house, so yeah.

Eliza: Alex, could we go shopping? All the snacks are gone.

Alexander: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE?!

Alexander comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Eliza’s bedroom.

Eliza: Babe, are you.. coming to bed?

Alexander: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a girlfriend.

Alexander: Lies on the ground and falls asleep.

Eliza: ...

Eliza: We're literally married, though???

(Again, Ham is drunk 😁👍)

Eliza: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?

Alexander: It was autocorrect.

Eliza: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me"?

Alexander: Yes.

(Yeah, that happens sometimes. Totally 👍)

Eliza: Alexander, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.

Alexander: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

(Again, Ham swore in front of the kids)

Eliza: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

Alexander: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day.

Eliza: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

(And that's on those rare occasions that he actually does sleep)

Eliza: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.

Alexander: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.

Eliza: ...

Eliza: You mean ring bearER, right?

Alexander: ...

Eliza: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

(He totally is. As he should 😌✨)

Eliza: And have you learnt anything this Christmas, Alexander?

Alexander: …Not really.

Eliza: Nothing?

Alexander: Tell you one thing I have learnt—Christmas; ultimately, commercial holiday. Who's the real winner at Christmas? Amazon. they have drones now! Tiny little dystopian slaves delivering iPads and headphones. I ordered a toaster; It was on the doorstep five hours later! Do we need that? It was 4.99! For a toaster! I mean, someone's being exploited there.

(And that, kids, is the true meaning of Christmas. Exploiting people into buying stuff that they don't really need under the guise of it being worth it. That also fits for Black Friday, actually-)

Alexander: Alright, so the vampire's gravestone is—

Eliza: Cenotaph.

Alexander: What?

Eliza: It's only a gravestone if it marks the location of a body. A monument honouring someone whose body isn't present is a cenotaph.

Alexander: I'm... not sure that's how it works if the body gets up and walks away on its own.

Eliza: There's a precedent for gravestones being reclassified as cenotaphs if the body is later removed and reinterred elsewhere. There's no rule that says the body itself can't do the removing.

Alexander: Okay, but the body is very much coming back. That's kind of what we're here to accomplish.

Eliza: So it's a temporary cenotaph.

Alexander: And naturally our greatest concern here is avoiding semantic ambiguity.

Eliza: Semantic ambiguity is how vampires get you.

(I just thought this one was silly. I liked it)

Alexander: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Eliza: Steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to her knees and sob while apologizing profusely.

Alexander: That one. I want that one.

Eliza: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...

Alexander: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

[captainsophiestark]

Lean On Me

Leia Organa x Reader

Masterlist - Join My Taglist!

Written for Fictober 2023!

Fandom: Star Wars

Day 18 Prompt: "We can't do this on our own."

Summary: Leia's feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of taking on the Empire, but her SO is there to remind her that none of them are in it alone.

Word Count: 1,181

Category: Angst, Fluff

Putting work into an AI program without permission is illegal. You do not have my permission. Do not do it.

"I need a minute."

Blearily, I raised my head from my work, blinking in confusion as my girlfriend marched out of the room. Her voice had shaken me out of my haze of combing through paperwork, and now I could see her shoulders up by her ears as she walked away.

I glanced around, but no one else in the room seemed particularly worried. They probably assumed the smart, courageous Princess Leia Organa just needed to grab a report she'd remembered that might be helpful, or some more caf, or even a bathroom break.

I, however, knew her better than that. Leia had been my best friend for years, and we'd been dating for a while now, too. I knew the subtle changes in her tone, the unusual tension in her shoulders, all amounted to something definitely, definitely wrong.

I stood from my own desk in the small headquarters of the Rebellion, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. We were all exhausted, especially after being forced to do damage control on a few bad breaks we'd gotten in a row, so no one gave me a second look as I left.

I followed Leia down the familiar hallways, coming around a corner just in time to see her duck into her quarters. I frowned and picked up my pace a bit.

I stopped outside Leia's door, knocking quickly and speaking at the same time.

"Leia? It's me. Can I come in?"

I waited, holding my breath when I only got silence in response. Then, a moment later, I heard the door unlock from the other side. I didn't hesitate to push it open.

Leia had her back to me, and was already returning to sit on the end of the bed, her shoulder leaning against the wall. I quickly shut the door behind me, since I knew she wouldn't want anyone to see her like this, least of all members of the Rebellion.

"What's wrong?" I asked, crossing the room carefully to sit beside her on the bed. She wouldn't look at me, just stared ahead with her arms crossed over her chest and her jaw clenched tight. Leia hated to cry, but I could tell she was holding back tears.

I didn't push her, just waited patiently, resting my shoulder gently against hers. I knew she'd tell me in her own time, and until then, I resolved to be completely and totally here for her.

"We lost six of our best pilots last week," she finally said, her voice hoarse and gravelly. She didn't break her blank stare at the wall. "A few days after that, operating on bad intel, we lost two spies undercover in the ranks of the Empire. Yesterday, an agent went into town on a supply run and went back to his base without realizing the Empire had picked up his trail. He led them right to the doorstep, and we lost the entire base."

I pursed my lips together, trying to fight my own negative reaction to her summary as I wrapped an arm around her shoulders. I knew we'd caught some bad breaks lately, but having it all laid out like that emphasized just how bad our last week had been.

"Everything we've accomplished, every bit of progress we've made, is at risk of coming crumbling down around us," she continued. "And I'm failing everyone. I haven't been able to stop it and I haven't been able to fix it. No matter what I do, we keep losing ground. I- I don't know how I'm going to make this Rebellion succeed."

I sighed, pulling Leia a little tighter to me. From the tone of her voice, I knew that last part was what really bothered her. That she'd failed, that she hadn't been able to wave a magic wand and fix things. She always put too much on herself.

"In the wise words of someone I love very much, Rebellions are built on hope. If you let that hope die out, Leia, that's the only way to make sure the Empire wins."

Leia shook her head, and I could tell she was about to protest, but I continued speaking before she could.

"Besides, babe, it's not all on you. One person cannot succeed against something like the Empire, not alone. But when we lean on each other, work together, put our faith in each other? That's when real change happens. And the Empire can try to shake that faith as much as they want, but as long as we keep believing and inspiring people to fight back, then they have no chance. Not really."

"I want to believe you," she said, her voice still a little hollower than I'd ever heard it before. "But I feel so useless."

"Leia. We can't do this on our own." Any of the softness was gone from my voice, and I turned to face Leia, holding her shoulders so she had to face me too. "If you keep putting the entire galaxy on your back and yours alone, you will be crushed under its weight. This last week has sucked, but just like the victories, we will shoulder the failures together and come out stronger on the other side. It will not be easy, and the road will not be short, but we will stand shoulder to shoulder and get this done."

Leia stared at me for a long, long moment. The spark of fire that I normally saw in her eyes had dimmed, but I made sure she could see it in mine. Leaning on each other meant staying strong when one of us was weak, and vice versa, so I did. I did not take my eyes away once, willing the fire and determination she'd first instilled in me to be rekindled in her.

Finally, after what felt like forever, Leia's head dipped in a small nod. The fire still wasn't burning anywhere near as bright as it normally did, but it had been replaced with a steely determination mirrored in the set of her jaw. She held my eyes for another few moments, then leaned forward quickly and kissed me, hard.

I kissed her back, my heart soaring, but she pulled away almost as soon as she'd leaned in. She gave me a small smile, the mischievous glimmer of a plan staring back at me, and I knew my Leia was back.

"Thank you, Y/N. I'm... I'm happy I have you to go through this with."

"Right back at you, babe."

She squeezed my hand and then stood, pulling me to my feet with her. She grinned, tugging me along with her towards the door to her room.

"Come on. Let's get out there and find a way to clean up this mess."

"Deal."

I slung an arm around her shoulders as we stepped into the hall, and then went back to the main workspace of the base side by side. Whatever else came our way, we would handle it. Together.

****************

Everything Taglist: @rosecentury

[wyn-n-tonic]

Days of You & Me: You, Me—Us

Word Count: 4.5k+ Warnings: Unprotected sex. Marriage talk. Slight cumplay. Slight breeding kink. Anything missed in the warnings was not done with malicious intent and I would appreciate if you could let me know kindly as I wish to do my best in keeping my readers safe. Author’s Note: This is a continuation of the last scene of Chapter June. Thank you to @tauralmie and @darnitdraco as well as @marvelousmermaid for being my continuous shoulders to lean on throughout writing this series.

Please follow @wyn-writing and turn on updates for notifications. You can sign up for my taglist HERE.

Days of You & Me Masterlist | ← June 

“So that’s settled?” I ask him, thunder soundtracking our words. “You’ve already decided on that and everything?”

Joel laughs and lays back. “Would you laugh at me if I told you I’ve pretty much been decided,” he breathes out.

“Only if you tell me something cheesy like you decided the moment we met,” I tease him. “Other than that, I can’t think of any other reason.” 

Another clap of thunder sends a shiver down his spine and he turns on his side with his arm tucked up under his head, eyelids heavy with sleep over his big brown eyes. “I decided on June first,” he whispers, like it’s a secret only for us. “When I came home scared out of my mind because I’d checked my messages and all I heard was that my little girl was hurt”—he reaches over as I turn to face him and pushes a strand of hair away—“and you told me to get my shit together because she was hurt but she was fine and she was fine because she had you.” 

“You sound like you’re going to cry,” I tell him.

“I might just do that,” he says. 

Everything about our relationship and the time we’ve been together is so much to me. So much and not enough and feels like it’s been years in the making . These moments especially feel like some kind of deep memory, like I’m seeing it all through the haze of years away. 

Almost like I’ve lived this moment and this conversation before.

“I wish I’d met you when I moved here.”

A small laugh and he says that he doesn’t think I would’ve liked him very much through a yawn as thunder shakes his body down again. “I think we met each other at exactly the right time, pretty girl.”

Honestly, he’s right. The version I would’ve met of him in 1992 is likely not a version I could’ve fallen in love with. It’s the time I wish we had though.

“We've had quite a few really big conversations lately, haven’t we?” He asks, his grip tightening on my waist where it’s snuck beneath my top again. “I'm honestly still waiting for you to tell me to fuck off.” 

A deep breath and I shake my head to the best of my ability against the pillows. “I’m just thinking.”

“About what?”

Him and life.

Our lives together and how it even got here from lattes in liminal spaces full of shared silence and quiet laughter. I practically live with him and I love him and I would give anything and more to protect him and Sarah.

“About a lot of stuff,” I breathe out. “But mainly, I’m focusing on my hope that a condom will magically appear because maybe it actually will.”

“You're deflecting,” he counters. “But I’ll allow it.”

Leaning forward, I press a kiss into the scar on his nose, deciding after to burrow my face into the crook of his neck and take a deep breath. There’s such a safety I feel in his presence but especially like this, breathing him in in the early morning light.

Rain hits the windows harder than before and they rattle with more thunder but he doesn’t shiver or jump this time, just wraps arm around me and presses his lips into the crown of my head.

I feel safe here. Not just right now but in general and every time he mumbles how he could get used to this. I’m starting to understand that he says that when he likes something, not wanting to reveal that he does in case he faces rejection. Saying he could get used to something is merely a suggestion. He thinks he says if he likes something, it’s a demand.

“I hope so,” I murmur into the skin of his neck. “I don’t think we’re getting rid of one another.” 

It’s insane to me how this man who so confidently came back to my work for several days hoping to speak to me for two seconds shows me all the ways in which he’s not that confident at all. I remember that first coffee in my car, when I said he didn’t strike me as a man who doubts himself and he told me he doubts himself all the time. 

Even behind the clouds, it’s barely light outside and he relaxes down, laying flat on his back again and pulling me with him with a deep, contented hum buzzing in his chest.

Sometimes, I wonder how many times I can tell him I love him before he gets tired of hearing it but, every time, he only meets it with sped up heartbeat or a shiver or a smile or all three as he pulls me as close to him as possible. 

Now that I’ve said it, I can’t stop and his reaction never changes by much unless it’s in the low light of his bedroom with a lack of prying eyes. Like now, with his large hand gripping tight into the meat of my ass, arm flexing against my back as he doesn't just pull me closer but cages me in.

When I tell him he has to stop squeezing me like this, he looses a deep belly laugh that rolls in time with the thunder.

“I'll loosen up if you stop rubbing my belly like I’m a good dog, sweetheart,” he drawls out, arm coming up to cover his eyes.

“You purr like a cat, actually.” 

Another laugh, quiet. “I'll show you how catlike you sound in a minute if you don’t watch that mouth of yours.”

Teasing goes back and forth like our hands—mine on his stomach and down, his on my back and down—until our lips have found each other’s between the laughter. Abandoning his hold across the small of my spine, he threads his fingers through my hair and guides me to his lips that open easily for his own. 

“Took you long enough,” he whispers when my fingertips dip just below the waistband of his boxers. “Be gentle with me, I think I’m already on the edge just from feeling you throb against my thigh.” 

“So, I can touch you?” I ask, pushing deeper beneath the fabric.

A thick groan pushes from his throat and his hips lift against my touch, heating radiating from his face as he presses against my lips again. Already, pre-cum is leaking over my hand and his breathing is coming out shallow and hard. 

“Every time we do this,” he laughs out, “it reminds me of that day in your room.”

“Is that a bad thing?” I ask him, dropping my face into the crook of his neck.

He hums a negative and it vibrates through my lips and down between my legs still sore with the memory of him last night.

“You know, I could give you my mouth, Joel.”

“Uh-uh.” He squeezes tighter across my hips and trails his other hand down to meet mine where it’s working him over. “You give me your mouth and I won’t be able to feel you grinding that slick little thing against me.”

I ask him how he knows it’s slick before I bite down on his pulse point, his hard length jumping in my grip before I let go to trail my hand down further.

Joel’s reaction is a broken whine pushed out on a hard breath and an even hard grip as he fists his fingers back into my hair to pull me up and back to his lips. Even if the day is barely a day yet and even if it’s storming down around the house so loud it sounds like it’s gonna fall, he is so warm and bright. The pull I feel for him is gravitational, it has to be with the way I so easily gave in to the small feelings over and over until they were these big, mountain moving things.

“I need to be inside of you,” he whispers against my lips.

“But—“

“I know what I said but I changed my mind.” He sounds out of breath, like he’s run five miles, and his eyebrows pinch together in confusion. “Unless you changed your mind, too?” 

Shaking my head, I tell him that I haven’t. “Just don’t want you to think that I’ve done all this to make you change your mind.” 

“Goddamn, sweetheart,” he pushes his head back. “Have a little faith in me, I am capable of resisting your feminine ways.”

Lips pursed, one eyebrow raises and he studies me, eyes darting around my face looking for an answer to the suggestion written all over his.

Barely a nod and he’s crushing your lips down on his again, pulling your hand up with his other and flipping your positions with ease and confidence. 

With a smile on his face, Joel sits back on his heels and peels my underwear down with his movements. “Have you done this before?” When I nod, he laughs a little and asks why I look seasick.

“Never been my idea before,” I tell him, opening my arms and legs to make room for his body to lay down against me again. “Never really trusted the guy I was doing it with either.” 

“Then why’d you do it?” 

His hesitation tenses up against the shrug of my shoulders and he smooths my hair back beneath his heavy palm as I take a deep breath. “Because they were really pushy and, honestly, I didn’t want the fight.”

Lip pulled between his teeth, I watch as the lightning illuminates his sun kissed skin before the soft hum of the house falls completely silent. “Power’s out,” he says. “What if I told you I was afraid of the dark, too? Hmm?” His smile stretches wide to one side, the dimple that usually makes him look boyish and playful doing nothing to hide how cocky he’s feeling.

Last week, I told him that I felt safe with him. Truly and completely safe with all of my trust and all of my heart placed in the palm of his gentle hands. I told him that he’s the only person I’ve ever felt like that with and that I think I knew it from that first day in my car.

Barely breathing beneath his gaze, I push at the waistband of his boxers. “You should take these off, then.”

“Oh?” He raises an eyebrow. “If I get naked, I’ll no longer be afraid of the dark?”

His body collapses down on me in a fit of giggles, lips pressed into mine and my cheek and my neck as he braces himself on one arm and pushes his shorts down with the other.

“Don't just lay there, pretty girl,” he whispers. “Use your little feet to help me.”

Those whispers continue as I help him push the fabric down his legs, hot breath in my ear while his hand comes up to wrap just below my jaw. He’s telling me how pretty I am in the mornings, that sometimes he’ll wake up early or force himself to stay awake just so he can watch over me while I sleep. Not one word of how creepy that is comes out of me before he’s biting down on my earlobe, telling me to can it. 

Legs shuffling between mine as he kicks himself completely free of the boxers, his mouth opens around the kiss he’s pushing into my chin as his hips fall into the cradle of my own.

“I should take my shirt off,” I say but he’s shaking his head before I finished, telling me he already knows he won’t last and asking if I can give him half a chance.

“But I thought you were perfectly capable of resisting my feminine ways, Joel.”

He nudges right up against my entrance then, grip on my throat tightening slightly, and bites into my pulse point with a deep groan. Beyond that, he doesn’t move except to nuzzle his face into my neck and stroke his thumb across my bottom lip. Every time I try to say something, he quiets me. Says he’s concentrating.

A few beats turn into minutes as he pulls back up to find my lips again, hand sliding down the length of my body to settle on my hip and he pulls my leg up and around his own.

“I think the anticipation is making you hotter,” he says. “Your whole body is on fire right now.”

“That's because the air conditioning is off,” I whine out, waiting for him to take the bait and fall into laughter. Instead, he opens his mouth against mine to take the breath I’m losing as he pushes his hips forward against mine steadily. 

Holding his own breath until he’s fully seated, he finally releases a deep sound of relief like he’s finally sat down after a long day. There’s a pinch in his eyebrows growing closer to one another with every steadying breath. 

“Are you okay?” I ask.

Before I’ve even finished, his answer is a nod dropped into the crook of my neck with another deep breath. “This feels different,” he says after another beat.

“Good?”

Smile stretching wide against my neck, he asks how I could possibly ask him such a silly question; asks if it feels different for me, too. A nod to the best of my ability and he presses a soft kiss and then another and then another to my jaw; my cheek; my lips before smoothing his hand down my hair again.

Everything slows down with him on top of me, even the storm is sounds like it’s starting to Peter out. Not only does this feel different physically but emotionally, too. Like I’m wrapped up in him—all of him. 

Nose pressed right up against mine, lips dragging small sounds and broken words over each other through every kiss and thrust, I don’t realize I’m near the edge until he’s encouraging me over; whispering sweet nothings of praise right into me and begging me to look at him when I fall apart for him.

Which is easier said than done because the liquid coal of his dark eyes in the dark of the room are too much to handle; too studying; too vulnerable in their own right and I have to close mine again.

“God, you’re pretty,” he breathes out, hips stilling as his chest heaves against mine. He’s nudged right up to the space inside of me I all but begged him to stroke against that first night with him but that feeling’s different, too. 

I can feel my breath catching, skin on fire and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that my shirt is soaked through with his sweat and mine. His thumb trails along the swell of my cheek, brushing away sweat or a tear before moving down to grip into my thigh. Everything is teetering on the edge of that much needed clarity and he takes another deep breath.

“Are you okay?” I ask and he nods, hand lifted to swipe across the sweat to the side of his own nose. I ask if he wants to stop and he shakes his head.

Keeps shaking it and says, “I don’t know how to keep going for you without losing my cool.”

“Then lose your cool,” I insist. “I’m right here with you, Joel, and even if I wasn’t, there are ways I could still get mine after you’ve gotten yours.” 

One side of his mouth turns up and he pushes out a laugh which only pushes a half broken whine out of me. “That was hot,” he says. “You're so hot.”

Thunder rolls deep and loud and the shiver that runs through him pulls a deep groan of a longed for relief out of him as warmth pushes into me. I’m expecting laughter to follow in the slackening of his jaw, dropped in shocked, but he apologizes instead. Says he’s sorry because he should’ve asked if he could do that, he should’ve been more in control to even know that it was coming.

“You did know,” I reassure him. “We both knew, it’s okay,” I nod my head as if that will make the look on his face go away. “I’m okay.”

“You sure?” He asks, eyebrows pinched up in worry. “You can be mad at me.” 

Playing with the curls fallen over into the space between us, I ask him why I would be mad about something I liked. “Does that scare you?” I ask him. “That I like this feeling and I like being filled up by you?” 

I know it doesn’t by the way his eyes go soft, no longer concentrated or worried or confused. There’s not even fire in them right now, nothing near to the desperation or lust that blows his pupils out like earlier or last night or the night before that. This is that soft kind of adoration he wears like a badge in moments he thinks I’m not looking; big and brown with half a smile reaching into them.

Big and goofy, his grin stretches wide across his face and he presses his lips to my forehead and then my nose and then my lips, opening my mouth beneath his to push the flat of his tongue down on mine.

We stay like this for a moment, warm in each other’s arms as one hand stays up near my face and the other pushes up beneath my shirt, nails digging into my skin to scratch back down to the place where our bodies are connected.

I can feel him twitch inside of me and the laughter finally does come, followed by an apology for being overzealous; for wanting to get his twice before I’ve gotten mine once.

To the best of my ability, I shrug against the pillows; both shoulders pressing back and brushing up against my earlobes. “Maybe I like that, too,” I say as they drop back down. “Maybe I like that you look wholly relaxed right now.”

“You sure do like a lot of things today, pretty girl,” he says. “How do you feel about me?”

“Oh, I like you the most,” I respond. “Isn't it obvious? Everything else I’ve said I enjoyed this morning hinged upon your happiness but maybe I should be a little more explicit in the future.”

“More explicit than being naked beneath me?” He asks.

“I'm not naked,” I toss back at him.

“No,” he agrees, pressing another kiss to my lips and then pushing himself up to sit back on his heels. “But you are unsatisfied so let me”—he pulls himself from between my legs—“let me fix that for you.”

Lightning lights up the room again and I’m self conscious over the look in his eyes, hard and dark as they look down at the space where our bodies have been connected. When I try to sit up, push my knees together and up to my chest, he pushes me back down and separates my legs again before bending lower to settle his shoulders between my thighs.

“Joel, what are you—“

He shushes me, hot breath ghosting cold across my fevered skin, and looks up. “Would you believe me if I said I just wanted to look?”

“No.”

Smiling again, he nods. “You're right,” he confirms, pushing two fingers in without warning and stroking up. “Thank God for the thunder, though, I think you would be embarrassed by the sound you just made.”

“Joel—“

That cocky disposition drops in an instant and he asks if I want him to stop, eyebrow raised and body still as he waits for my answer. The only one I can give him is a shake of my head, filled up with cotton and white noise and overwhelmed with every bit of him.

Crooked smile, he hooks his fingers like he’s beckoning me to him as he places a kiss against my hip on a laugh. Because my muscles are seizing, tightening up and arching my back off the mattress in further search of him. Whatever words I thought I was capable of are lost and his other hand lays flat across my lower stomach to press down against the upward motion he’s making inside of me.

“Come on, honey,” he encourages. “Please, my dick is so goddamn hard again—“

Half a broken sob between us and he’s pulling away from me again; laying himself across me again and nudging my hands away from my heat blanketed face to speak his honey thick apologies directly into the cup of my mouth to ask if he hurt me.

“No.” Framing his face with my hands, I repeat it again. “No, you’re perfect, Joel.” I’d be embarrassed by the desperation in my own voice if I didn’t see it dripping from every pore of his face.

He lifts himself just enough to push the fabric of my shirt up and over my head and then pushes back down on me, every ounce of his body weight crushing into mine with his head in my hands and his hands dug into the meat of my sides. 

I don’t feel him so much as I relax into him as he pushes into me again, all of my energy and the constantly building and dipping anticipation melting down beneath his brown gaze.

Only months ago, I rolled my eyes at the television or the books when when sex was described or portrayed as something magical—ethereal. But then I slept with Joel and he didn’t just fuck me; didn’t just look at me like an object to find his own peace on and so much of the words I’ve read and heard and sung made sudden sense.

Because it’s that wide grin and the bright laughter that reaches up to his eyes so often they’re crinkled like folding fans that does it.

The soft, brown eyes; the worn hands that move with the intention of gentleness and care; the sun kissed skin in varying shades of gold through the season.

The first time he said he loved me, I swore I didn’t hear him right—convinced myself that it was a joke. When he all but yelled at me in the kitchen saying he doesn’t pressure me to say anything back because I show him every day, I still had half a doubt in my head. But it’s so obvious now, it has been this whole time, and he doesn't just push me to the edge because there isn’t one for the way we are right now.

All there is, is a low buzzing just beneath the surface of my skin; his skin; our skin. It’s less like chasing a high, it’s more like sitting in it and the only soundtrack that exists to it is heavy breaths and slow rolling thunder and desperate little whimper begging for this to go on; because the thought that anything could exist that isn’t him puts more tears into my eyes than any heartbreak I’ve ever had.

“Come on,” he encourages me again, voice raw and filled with half spent exhaustion. “You’re right there, baby, we’re right there.”

Buzzing starts again as the power comes back, cool air kicking in from the vents and the laughter it pulls from both of us—as if to say playtime is over—is what finally does it. Hips moving against mine, his pace stutters and he loses the strength to hold any part of himself up; movements stilling as warmth rushes between us again.

Quiet moments pass with just the sound of both our beating hearts in my ears until he finally mumbles something about being responsible and checking the weather to time when to go pick up Sarah. 

He stretches when he stands, hand outstretched on the suggestion of a shower and then breakfast. 

Under the spray of water, he pulls me close and kisses my forehead. “Do you want to go to the bookstore today?”

It’s such a simple question and it’s so warm. What hits me most about it is that it isn’t about sex or even about the sex we just had. We’ve spent so much time talking about what physical intimacy means to us; what it does to us; how it affects us. If this was anybody else but Joel standing with me in this water, my body and mind would be cracking under the weight of my insecurities that he doesn’t care for what I’ve just given over to him—what we just risked. Ninety-eight percent efficacy is still two percent possibility, after all.

But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like the soft, lived in intimacy of two people who know each other and care for each other. It’s the kind I felt when I waited up for him that night Sarah got sick; the kind he said he felt when I called him for comfort from home. 

“I've been thinking about something,” I tell him, digging my chin into his chest as I look up at him. “I looked it up and you don’t have to take a test to become a contractor in Texas, my love.”

He fights a smile as he nods. “I know.”

“You know?”

His hands continue working soap into my back, all his concentration focused over my head on his task and he nods again. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “Just didn’t want to tell you.”

“Why not?” Even as I ask, I know the answer. It’s the same answer for all of it—he’s scared he’s gonna fail. But being a failure isn’t the scary part for him, the scary part is having it negatively effect the ones he loves.

He shrugs. “I already know I don’t have to spell that one out for you, Alison. I just—“

“Not a single person in your life is going to hate you if you do this and it doesn’t pan out,” I promise him. “It’s a job and I know you can do it and it’s not just because I love you but because I know what a capable, competent person you are.”

“Is that why you love me?” He asks, his smile crooked and cocksure to mask the deflection he’s giving me.

I could challenge it but I don’t. Because that wouldn’t be fair given how often he lets me off the hook, especially these days when the deflections are fewer and farther between. “Nah,” I tease. “I love you for this huge cock.”

Jaw fallen slack, he’s silent for a few beats; speechless as the water runs over his body and then he laughs. As if I’ve just told the best joke he’s ever heard, he laughs with his whole belly in that doubled over kind of way. “You are so goddamn stupid sometimes,” he teases. “You might as well go ahead and change your name to Alison Miller because I’m gonna marry the shit out of you.” 

All these conversations, all of today so far, really started with that prospect and if I didn't think it was real the first time he said it, I know it is now. 

[v1vian-th3-f4nfic-wr1ter]

An Eternity With You

«Chapter 3»

Warnings: Arguements (All Four) Physical Injuries (Arthur to Gerald and Reader) Hurt no Comfort (Gerald and Reader) Smoking (Felix) Mention of Sex (Idk Anymore)

Authors note: Who wants to see Felix be absolutely an depressed twink? Also sorry i havent been active, been very busy and also writers block, i wrote the plot as i go, this story is now a joint story between me and becca because i want to have the most people enjoying my/our writing

Written by: V1vian and @fckedupnerd aka Becca

You were walking with Gerald towards a bakery that has caught your eye since dating him, still unaware of the secret relationship between him and the chocolate cartel, the winter air made the coat you borrowed from him all the more cozier, though Gerald seemed uneased passing by the Galarie Gourmet buliding, "Hey, are you okay...?" You asked him "Oh yes am fine, just a bit cold from the air" He shook it off. You suspected something else but didnt want to push any furthur, you arrive home safely and without issue, you kiss him goodbye and he walked back to the Galarie Gourmet, alone in your apartment, you wonder what made him so uneased

Meanwhile Gerald was just returning to the vault, Arthur and Felix stared at him, wondering why he was so late, he was always the earliest out of all of them, theres no way he woukd be caught in traffic or be late because of getting food so why is he late now? "Well Gerald it seems like youre late, care to explain?"

"Well the café i go to didnt open yet and there was a new perdon there so i had to explain my order, anyways i got food" He held out the takeout orders, hoping and praying he hid the fact he was just out with you well enough so they dont know about his affairs, he feels extremely gulity about it, but he still holds them to his heart dearly, they eat...well Arthur and Gerald, Felix didnt touch the food and only drank his black coffee because of his own ED, but the two of them didnt push, they both know he'll throw a hissy fit at them, though its a bit pathetic really

Days went on with you and Gerald going out in secrecy

He always had an excuse to them, believeable enough so none if the other two knows about his affairs, well except Felix, he was being irrational and decided to follow Gerald, it wasnt a good idea sure but they have also done much more illegal things, so he followed the two of you quietly, disturbed he was having an affair, he was seething in jealousy by you, unable to believe such a petite woman would catch his heart, it made him go to Arthur and tell on him, by the time Gerald came back, they were already glaring at him, he knew he couldnt hide it any longer, so happens you followed him into the vault by secret

"I cannot believe you Gerald, after everything we've done for you?!" Felix yelled in anger "Its not like you helped me in my buisness either, Fickelgruber!" "How dare you use my last name you foul git! You-" Arthur split them apart "Thats enough of you Felix" He glares at Gerald "Though that doesnt excuse you from the conversation"

"Its still a fact you are incredibly lazy and an idiot at most, you cant even do anything without someone saying it!" Gerald rolled his eyes

"Youre the one to talk, youre bossing everyonr around like puppets!" He rebuttles

"Thats because you and Felix cant do anything in buisness, sure both of you are creative but you especially have no knowledge of putting it into action!" Your jaw drops at the sight, but you stay hidden for now

"Oh thats strong coming from you, you know nothing of anything else BUT buisness!" Felix yells

"Big talk from someone who pukes himself to death!" Gerald argues

"You have no say in this when you cant even do things correctly, not even helping your own mistress! All you can do is throw money at them!" Arthur yells at Gerald loudly

You tried to sneak away but Felix spotted you "And YOU, you can only pay rent because of his pathetic ass being your sugar daddy!" You gasped

"At least i dont use Gerald as a servant!" You yell at Felix "Oh please, dont even look decent for how much money he gives" Arthur said as he gestures to your clothes

"And you! You cant even go for what? A day without yelling at him from what i can tell! And at least i actually have a sense of fashion, not just "i am rich" as my whole personality!"

"Well you can hardly tell what a privliege is, and all you can do is whine to Gerald for money!" Felix spits out in jealousy

"Stop talking, you cant even feed yourself properly, Felix, Talk when you can actually take care of yourself, at least shes healtheir than you! Am surprused you can even do sex when youre a twig!" Gerald yells back

"AND you cant even go for one week without sex with Arthur!" You say with pure sass "And you! You may be strong but your ego is as week as Felix's self esteem! Gerald has every right to have an affair with your toxic asses!"

Arhur slaps you in anger, leaving a mark as red as a cherry, Gerald slaps Arthur back for hurting you. He slaps Gerald back much, MUCH harder, drawiing blood from a cut on his cheek, Felix crosses his arms and smirks in victory. You help Gerald get out of the vault, none of you speak afterwards except you and Gerald, the other two's whereabouts are unknown, Gerald is too hurt to care.

Previous Chapter

[mydarllinglover]

SafeHouse || Two

Previous

I had been at Hogwarts for nearly a week now, and it hadn't been great, no one in slytherin liked me for being a Weasley and no one in Gryffindor liked me for being a Slytherin.

My insufferable twin refused to talk to me, still! and I hadn't made a single friend maybe I could make durmstrang my third school, anything would be better than this.

I was sat at the Slytherin table far away from the sparce amount of students sat around it for breakfast, mentally preparing myself for the first class of the day.

"Keira" I turned around to see my twin brothers stood in front of me.

"Yes?" I asked, looking up at them curiously, wondering what would bring them here

"come on" Fred nodded at the Gryffindor table

"what?"

"you're gonna make up with Ron, we're sick of him sulking all the time" George rolled his eyes

"I have nothing to say to him, I haven't done anything wrong" I folded my arms across my chest.

"Hold on one minute" Fred put a finger up to me as him and George walked back to their table.

I watched as they each grabbed a hold of one of Ron's arms and stood him up then walked back to me, they then pushed him down to sit next to me, grabbing the attention from the other people on my table

"Make up, now." George told us and then they both walked out the Great Hall.

Ron and I sat in an awkward silence, neither of us wanting to talk first

but as always I broke first "Ron look-

"no, Keira I'm sorry, I had no right to shout at you, its not even your fault, I guess I was just annoyed that I missed you so much, you're my twin, and we've been separated, again, I do want to make up, you know how stubborn I am" he told me as he played with his fingers

"Ron, I am sorry, I know how much that would hurt, I've missed you too, please, I don't want this to come between us" I said as I hugged him and he hugged me back "I love you"

"I love you too"

"Weaselbee! are you colourblind?" We broke our embrace and turned to see Malfoy stood glaring at my brother

"piss off Malfoy, I'm talking to my sister" he rolled his eyes and I noticed how he clenched his fists

"you piss off Weasel, this is My table, go back to potty and that filthy little mu-

"Woah, Ron, lets go, we can just go somewhere else okay, get away from here" I gripped Ron's arm just in case he tried to lunge at the blond "come on" I steered him away from the table and Malfoy as they shot death glares at each other "you have to learn to ignore him"

"I can't Keira! hes so frustrating, and such a prick" he huffed

"Look, we have class anyway, see you at Lunch?" I asked him

"Yeah sure thing, bye" he waved me off as he joined Harry and Hermione again, peering over Hermione's timetable and saying something to her with a grin.

After spending lunch at the Gryffindor table and being introduced to the other Gryffindors in my year, Hermione, Ron, Harry and I walked to our first ever Care of Magical Creatures class, taught by Hagrid.

After the argument between Ron and Hermione at lunch, they still refused to talk to each other leaving an awkward silence between the four of us.

As we walked down the slope I saw Malfoy and his mates who I now knew as Crabbe and Goyle, they were chortling at something he had said, but it didn't take a lot to guess what it was, Harry's dementor attack still being the topic of discussion.

Hagrid the very large tall man, was stood impatiently at the door of his hut with Fang.

I couldn't stop myself as I ran at the boarhound, dropping to my knee taking his head in my hands and telling him how cute he was.

Dog's really are my weakness.

"Keira!" Ron called after me "leave the poor thing alone" he told me as I said my goodbyes to the dog and apologised to Hagrid.

"You know he's not as cute as he seems right, especially when hes drooling all over you" he muttered to me

" Shut up, Ronald, have you looked in a mirror lately" I snapped at him

"we are literally twins" he said

"Fraternal, not Identical"

"Got a real treat for yeh today! Great lesson comin' up! Everyone here? Right, follow me!"

We followed Hagrid to an empty paddock

"Everyone gather round the fence here!" the half giant called. "Thats it- make sure yeh can see. Now, firs' thing yeh'll want ter do is open yeh books -"

"how?" Malfoy drawled

"Eh?" Hagrid asked

"How do we open our books?" The blond repeated

I looked down at my copy of The Monster Book Of Monsters that was belted shut the same as Harry's and some others had done

"Hasn' - hasn' anyone bin able ter open their books?" Hagrid had asked, looking crestfallen.

We all shook our heads at him.

"Yeh got ter stroke 'em,"

"what did he-

"just go with it" Harry shook his head

I watched the group as they curiously looked at their books and my eyes wandered to Malfoy as I saw him ponder for a while until he then ran a finger down the spine of the book.

"Oh how silly we've all been!" i raised my eyes from his hands to his face as he sneered at Hagrid "we should have stroked them! Why didn't we guess!"

"I ... I thought they were funny," Hagrid told me and Hermione

"Oh, tremendously funny!" Malfoy laughed "Really witty, giving us books that try and rip our hands off!"

"Shut up, Malfoy," I heard Harry say quietly from beside me.

I was glad Harry had said something, because my words definitely wouldn't be as kind, I felt bad for Hagrid, his first lesson and Malfoy was already ruining it to make him feel bad.

"Righ' then," Hagrid said "so ... so yeh've got yer books an' ... an' ... now yeh need the Magical Creatures. Yeah. So I'll go an' get' em. Hang on ...' We watched as Hagrid strode of into the Forest and out of sight.

"God this place is going to the dogs," Malfoy announced loudly "That oaf teaching classes, my father'll have a fit when i tell him-

"Shut up, Malfoy" Harry repeated significantly louder

"Careful Potter theres a Dementor behind you-"

"Wow Malfoy thats new, no ones heard that before, from you" I rolled my eyes

"Be quiet Weasley, As well as a Blood traitor, your a traitor to your own house it seems, hanging around with the Gryffindors" He spat at me

"Leave her alone Malfoy, piss off to Daddy will you" Ron told him "just ignore him Keira."

"Ooooooh" The high pitch voice of Lavender Brown Squealed, pointing towards the opposite side of the Paddock.

I turned to see dozens of Hippogriffs, by the look on Some of the other students faces, they had no idea what these amazing creatures were.

I had already done a bit of them at beaubaxtons.

They really were beautiful creatures.

"Gee up, there!" he roared, as he urged the Hippogriffs towards the fence where we stood.

"Hippogriffs!" I cheered Excitedly

"Tha's righ Keira!, Beau'iful, aren' they? So," Hagrid started as he rubbed his hands together and beaming around "if yeh wan' ter come a bit nearer ..."

No one seemed willing but I was excited to meet them so I bounced forward, The other three cautiously following  after me.

"Are you sure you're a Slytherin, you definitely are courageous" Hermione chuckled beside me, I rolled my eyes, a smile plastered on my face.

"Now, firs' thing yeh gotta know abou' Hippogriffs is they're proud,' Hagrid told us "Easily offended, Hippogriffs are. Don't never insult one,' cause it might be the last thing yeh do.'

"Hey, reminds me of someone we know" I told my friends as I looked pointedly at Malfoy and his cronies who seemed to be plotting, as usual

"Yeh always wait fer the Hippogriff ter make the firs' move,' Hagrid continued. "It's polite, see? yeh walk towards him, and yeh bow an' yeh wait. If he bows back, yeh're allowed ter touch him. if he doesn' bow, then get away from him sharpish, 'cause those talons hurt.'

"Right - who wants ter go first?"

the class took even more steps back, even Ron grabbing mine and Hermiones arm to distance ourselfs away, than outstretching an arm to push Harry forward, wow Ronald, what a great friend.

"Harry?" Hagrid asked him as he was the closest person, Harry looked behind himself, at us to give us a "what the hell look" than back at Hagrid "yeah, i'll do it"

I heard someone gasp behind me both Lavender and parvati whispering " Oooh, no, Harry, remember your tea leaves!"

"what?" I looked over to Ron and Hermione quizzically, what were they on about 

"Dont worry about it" Ron shook his head and Hermione simply rolled her eyes. So I focused back on Harry who was climbing over the Paddock fence.

"Good man, Harry!" Roared Hagrid. "Right then - let's see how yeh get on with Buckbeak."

We watched as he untied one of the chains, and pulled the grey Hippogriff away from the others and slipped off its leather collar.

I as well as the rest of the class held our breath.

"Easy, now Harry" Hagrid said in a low tone "Yeh've got eye contact, now try not ter blink - Hippogriffs don' trust yeh if yeh blink too much ..."

I caught sight of  Hermione grab hold of Rons hand and the blush creeping up his neck as Buckbeak turned his great, sharp head, and was staring at Harry with one fierce orange eye.

"Thats it, tha's it, Harry ... now, bow..."

Harry did as he was told, I could tell he found it quite nerve racking though.

I was getting scared now as the Hippogriff continued to stare at Harry, not moving in the slightest

"Ah" Hagrid had said, breaking the silence once again. "Right - back away, now, Harry, easy does it-"

But then to all of our surprise, the Hippogriff suddenly bent his scaly front knees, and sank into what was an unmistakable bow.

I let out a quiet cheer of excitement, other students doing the same.

"Well done, Harry! Right - yeh can touch him! Pat his beak, go on!"

Harry moved slowly towards the Hippogriff and reached out towards him. He patted the beak several times and the Hippogriff closed his eyes lazily, as though enjoying it.

I clapped my hands ecstatically and the class joined me in applause, all except six Slytherin's of course, typical.

"Righ' then, Harry,' Said Hagrid, "I reckon he migh' let yeh ride him!"

I watched in amusement as I could see the clear panic in The boy who lived eyes, who clearly just wanted to join us safely back behind the fence.

"Yeh climb up there, jus' behind the wing joint," Hagrid instructed "an' mind yeh don' pull any of his feathers out, he won' like that ..."

I held my breath again as Harry put his foot on the top of Buckbeak's wing and hoisted himself onto his back. Buckbeak stood up. I let out a giggle as Harry hesitated where to put his hands, not sure on where to hold on.

"Go on, then!" Roared Hagrid, slapping the Hippogriff's backside. Buckbeak then soared into the air with Harry on his back, flying him around the Paddock

"No fair" I pouted, turning to Ron and Hermione and crossing my arms

"What? you're saying you actually want to have a go riding Buckbeak?" Hermione Laughed

"Yeah, did you see how fun that looks"

"Aren't you scared of heights, you dont even like riding broomsticks" Ron raised an eyebrow at me

"Shut up" I hissed at him as I nudged his arm with my elbow "am not, and besides, it looks rather fun and I trust him" I told them as Buckbeak headed back to the ground. We cheered for him

"Good work, Harry! OK, who else wants a go?" Hagrid asked.

I was the first to head over to the Paddock and easily jumped the fence, and eagerly waited as Hagrid started untying the other Hippogriffs, I picked mine quickly and done as Hagrid had instructed.

I watched as Neville ran back and forth from his. Ron and Hermione both shared practice on the chestnut as Harry watched them.

My eyes than followed as Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle had decided to copy Harry and picked Buckbeak, I was actually surprised to see Malfoy had gained a bow and was now stroking his beak, looking bored.

"This is very easy," Malfoy drawled as usual, making sure it was loud enough for the rest of us to hear. "I knew it would have been, if Potter could do it ... I bet you're not dangerous at all, are you?"

"Malfoy, I dont think that's such a clever idea" I warned him, he glanced at me with an eye roll then turned back to the Hippogriff

"Are you, you ugly great brute?"

It Happened in a flash of steely talons; Malfoy let out a high pitched scream and the next moment, Hagrid was wrestling Buckbeak back into his collar as he strained to get at Malfoy, who lay curled in the grass, blood blossoming over his robes.

I rushed back over to the trio as Malfoy yelped and cried "I'm dying! I'm dying, look at me! its killed me!"

"we should be so lucky" I rolled my eyes at Ron's comment

"yer not dyin'!" Hagrid had told him, going extremely pale "Someone help me - gotta get him outta here -"

Hermione ran to open the paddock gate while Hagrid lifted Malfoy, passing us.

Mine, Harry and Ron's eyes had caught the long deep gash in Malfoys arm.

I was actually starting to feel bad and worry for the pale spoilt brat.

The class followed Hagrid up to the Castle, all the Slytherins apart from me shouting insults at Hagrid

"They should sack him straight away!" Pansy Parkinson cried with tears running down her face

"Shut up, Parkinson" I shouted at her, I really did not like that girl and she was getting on my last nerve.

"It was Malfoys fault!" snapped Dean Thomas

"I'm going to see if he's OK!" Pansy rushed as we got to the Entrance Hall.

"Make sure to stay long, and give him a big Hug!" I waved her off, knowing that would piss Malfoy off, he had made it very obvious he wasn't that fond of the girl as she seemed to think.

The rest of the Slytherins headed down to the dungeons, muttering about Hagrid as they went.

I went in the Direction of the library, not wanting to be in the dungeons to hear slander on Hagrid as the Gryffindors headed up to their tower.

I decided to skip Dinner as I was too invested in my Homework that I had nearly finished thanks to the silence and being by myself, I was too worried for Hagrid to eat anything anyways.

I left the Library on my way to the dungeons when I caught sight of my Brother and his two best friends sneaking to the front doors, most likely to see Hagrid in his hut

"What are you doing?" I asked them anyway, mostly to just grab their attention

"Oh, we're going to go see Hagrid, make sure hes alright" Hermione told me

"you coming?" Harry asked me and shook his head in the direction of the doors

"sure, why not, beats going down to the dungeons" I rolled my eyes.

The grass was wet and looked spooky as we crossed it to Hagrid's hut

When we reached it My twin Knocked on the door and we waited until a voice growled out "C'min"

Hagrid was sitting in his shirt-sleeves at his scrubbed wooden table; Fang had his head in Hagrids lap.

I didn't know much about Hagrid like the others but I did know he was one of the most kindest and best people at Hogwarts and would be surely missed by many people if he was made to leave at the hands of Draco Malfoy.

it was very obvious that Hagrid wasn't sober, the bucket giving it away

"Spect its a record," he said thickly "Don' reckon they've ever had a teacher who on'y lasted a week before"

"Hagrid, dont think like that" I told him

"you haven't been sacked" Hermione gasped

"Not yet," Hagrid said in a miserable voice, my heart hurting for the poor man, as he took another drink "But 's only a matter o' time, isn't it, after Malfoy ..."

"How is he?" Ron asked, shocking me that he even asked after knowing full well his hatred for the Slytherin "It wasn't serious, was it"

"Madam Pomfrey fixed him best she could, but hes sayin' its still agony ... covered in bandages ... moanin' ... "

"He's faking it," Harry said from beside me "Madam Pomfrey can mend anything. She regrew half my bones last year"

"Huh? what kinda-" I cut Harry off, very confused about what kind of school I decided to transfer to when conversations of regrowing bones seemed the norm.

"Long story" Hermione patted my arm

"Trust Malfoy to milk it for all its worth." Harry finished

"School gov'nors have bin told, o' course. They Reckon i started too big. Shoulda left Hippogriffs fer later ... done flobberworms or summat ... jus' thought it'd make a good firs' lesson ...'s all my fault ..."

"Its all Malfoys fault, Hagrid!" Hermione told him earnastly

"Exactly, you warned him, hell, even I tried to and he's the one who was being  reckless and stubborn, trying to show off, you did nothing wrong!" I said

"We're witnesses" Harry said "You said Hippogriffs attack if you insult them, we'll tell Dumbledore what really happened."

"Yeah, dont worry, Hagrid, We'll back you up," Ron Agreed.

I watched as tears leaked out of Hagrids beetle-black eyes, my chest feeling heavy, like a weight was sat on top of it.

He grabbed Ron and Harry, and pulled them into a hug, I wouldn't be surprised if I heard the breaking of bones.

"I think you've had enough to drink, Hagrid,' said Hermione firmly.

I opened the door for her as she took whatever the hell Hagrid was drinking and emptied it outside

"Ar, maybe she's right,' Hagrid sighed as he let go of Ron and Harry, I suppressed a chuckle as I saw them both rubbing their ribs.

Hagrid joined Hermione outside and we heard a splash as Hermione walked back in

"Whats he done?" Harry asked Hermione nervously, as she placed down the tankard.

"Stuck his head in the water barrel" Hermione replied

Hagrid came back, his beard dripping wet and wiping the water out of his eyes.

"Thas' better" he said as he shook his head, drenching us all in water. "Listen, it was good of yeh ter come an' see me, I really -" Hagrid stopped dead, confusing us all until he locked his eyes on Harry, as if this was the first time he was seeing him tonight.

"WHAT D'YEH THINK YOU'RE DOIN', EH?" he roared at him, making us all jump I was sure everyone in the castle would be able to hear him. "YEH'RE NOT TO GO WANDERIN' AROUND AFTER DARK, HARRY! AN' YOU THREE! LETTING HIM!" He barked, turning his attention on us.

Hagrid strode over to Harry, grabbing his arm and pulled him to the door.

"C'mon!" Hagrid snapped, angrily. "I'm takin' yer all back up ter school, an' don' let me catch yeh walking down ter see me after dark again. I'm not worth that!"

I wanted to refuse and tell him he was wrong and that he was worth it, but I knew that was the wrong time.

He did as he told us, escorted us back to the Entrance Hall, directed me to walk down the dungeons by myself and walked the other three all the way up to the steps of Gryffindor tower.

I managed to sneak into my bed without waking the others up. replaying Malfoys attack over and over in my head before slipping into sleep.

Next

[reader6898]

Meeting the Crew

Pairing: OC Amara x bad batch

Summary: Amara meets her new crew

Warning: none I think

A/n: this is the start of my one shot series that will lead up to my Hunter x Amara fic series that will take place after order 66 and follow the bad batch show

"what do we even know about this Jedi?" The rest of the batch look back at Tech who pretty much knows everything. Tech looks at the info on their Jedi general.

"general Lin was previously general Kenobi's Padawan. They recently became a Jedi knight and that's why we've been assigned to them. Commander Cody was actually the one to suggest that Lin be assigned to us."

"can't believe we need a babysitter. We'll show this general Lin who we are." Wrecker laughs as he gets all excited to put their new Jedi general in their place. The batch keep walking and eventually meet up with Cody.

Cody and Hunter link arms. "Commander." "Good to see you boys again." "So, where's this general of ours." Cody laughs. "Probably getting one last lecture from general Kenobi." The small group talks amongst themselves while they wait for you.

After five minutes Amara makes her way to her new crew. She had read up on them the night before and everything Amara read about them had intrigued her. Hunter: sergeant of clone force 99. Born with enhanced abilities and tracking skills. Wrecker: super strength and weapons expert, especially on blowing things up. Tech: the smart one of the batch . Last but not least Crosshair: enhanced sight and sniper of the group. All of it made Amara even more intrigued. She just hoped that everything went well.

Amara spotted them with Cody and made her way to the small group of clones.

"Cody!" The group turns and all of them, minus Cody, look at their general with Suprise as she walks up to them. "Adi'ka. You're late." Amara rolls her eyes. "Sorry. Was getting one last lesson from Obi-Wan." Cody chuckles as he turns to the rest of the group. "This is Amara Lin. Your new general." Amara gave the group a small smile as she waved. "Hello."

The batch nod their heads at Amara and even without the force she could tell that she was immediately getting the cold shoulder from them. Amara turn towards Cody. "I'm just gonna go put my bag somewhere." Cody nods as Amara walks away and as she does she carefully avoids the four clones as she walked by.

Once Amara comes back out she and Cody have a talk while the others talk amongst one another. "You didn't tell us she was a girl, Tech." Tech pushes up his goggles. "I did not know she was a girl." "So much for being smart." Tech sighs at Wrecker's statement. "Look, we don't have a choice in this. We have to work with her whether we want to or not. Let's just all hope that it won't be for long. Got it?" Tech, Wrecker, and Crosshair grumbled but agreed with their sergeant.

"I'm really going to miss you kid. It won't be the same without you around causing chaos with Skywalker and his Padawan." Amara chuckles. "Don't worry, Cody. I'm sure we will see each other again soon." Cody nodded. "I'm sure we will."

Amara hugs Cody and pulls away. "We have to get going now." Cody keeps his hands on Amara's shoulders. "Stay safe, adi'ka. You can comm me anytime." Amara smiles. "I will." "Good. And if those guys give you a hard time you let me know and I'll set them straight." Amara laughs. " I don't think I'll have to do that but I'll keep that in mind."

Cody sets his arms down and Amara walks over to the bad batch. "Everything is all set, general." "Thank you, sergeant. You can get onboard." Hunter salutes Amara. "Yes, sir." Hunter salutes Cody then gets on the marauder. The ship starts up and Amara gets on. She looks back at Cody one more time and he salutes her.

Amara smiles as she waves and enters the ship. Tech sets the course for their mission and once Amara gives the order they head off on the next mission.

Tagging: @techs-stitches @anxiouspineapple99 @sinfulsalutations @the-rain-on-kamino @the-bad-batch-baroness @eternal-transcience @sev-on-kamino @wings-and-beskar @wizardofrozz @cw80831 @deejadabbles @523rdrebel @moonlightwarriorqueen @cloneloverrrrr @sunshinesdaydream

[mmx-code-crimpphire]

Headcanon - Xev and Axl headcanoned as autistic

AND A LITTLE MORE ON AXL IN THIS!!

I'm struggling coming up with headcanons lately and wanna write other things, so I might stop for a little bit after this one. My backlog of headcanons are a little short right now, esp ones that aren't spoiler heavy, so I'll stop for the moment and focus on writing other fics

Once I'll have more headcanons, you'll know when I post a new one!! Especially the world building headcanons when I write more for the towns!! I might post something I'm planning on writing today which I can finally post a new series on AO3 I've been meaning to make for the past few years!! I'm excited!!

Anyway, have this lengthy headcanon I have a lot of thoughts on~

Half a headcanon for Axl and half not for X just yet, I’m still deciding but

I wanted to talk about this primarily because I wanted some characters I can relate to in regards to this topic. Plus, either one has tendencies in one having the potential and the other having that kind of vibe period. At least to me, in most regards.

NEW CHAPTER ON AO3

I pretty much viewed Axl mostly with the autism I had in mind. Pretty much similar abilities and disabilities to mine- basically kinda projecting from this character but also making him his own, pretty much canon in his own right, and also kinda tweaking him to what I personally view him as.

We all know Axl is the young and ambitious but risk taking and noble hunter we've known up to X8. But that's basically all we know about him. I'll touch on his backstory sometime when I finally start the bio series for these characters.

But point is, that's all we know, and we don't have anything else to go off of except for our headcanons of him and depict it best we can from the source material. And this is my take on him besides the autism headcanon: He's a young adult and very ambitious, but from what he's learned from Red himself and his team of wannabe Maverick Hunters, he learns to adapt to his delta nano powers, gain close friendships and learn what his goal and purpose would be in life. Especially after certain events in his life that change it drastically. One that brings him into Red Alert into the first place, and years later after something happens to his found family.

He had to rush to the Maverick Hunters and rush for help in a panic when he couldn't face whatever was happening, and he was torn apart until he got to meet X and Zero in person. Except they're going through something themselves that he eventually had to get into the middle of. Especially bonding with Zero and trying to talk to X, which doesn't work.

Basically kind of a reverse scenario with Iris talking to Xev while Axl talks to Zero more in depth. And I do mean the key words being "kind of". Since Zero briefly talked to Iris, and he didn't need much talking to, for Xev, he needed budging. Whereas with Zero and Axl, he definitely needed that push as well down that time in the main story.

And he helps bring X and Zero back to their realities they needed to face and they, of course, face the big baddie head on. Which won't be Sigma, but I won't spoil who else ;3. Especially after this, he starts gaining a heart of gold and has another found family he can protect once he takes his powers and training more seriously. So he won't lose that second found family like he did his previous one.

Anyway, yeah that's what his general character is like in the AU, now for the Autistic headcanon. I don't know exactly where I got it from, other than I KNEW he had the vibes for it. So I slowly implemented what he would want as a stimulant, what he hyper focuses on, what his hyper fixations will be, what his sensory issues are, etc.

To which, I list that he stims with rubbing his thumbs, squishing things, vocal stimming and rocking. Either in a rocking chair or swinging. He gets a swing later on when his autism is being made more aware of in Hunter Base. He hyper focuses on what he vibes with and what he wants to do in that moment.

Anyway, what his hyper fixations/special interests would be, is he would wanna write music and play on his electric guitar. He loves stimming to softly playing and hearing the electric chords, btw. He loves doing it. He also hyper fixates on German Rock and hard rock from the 80s. Such as Def Leppard. he's a HUUUUUGE fan. Rick Savage, the late Steve Clark, and Joe Elliot are his favorite band members. He feels connected to them, and sometimes feels sad that he can't meet them, being he's in 21XX/22XX, and they're all long dead by then. Unless someone makes reploids out of them if their minds are preserved in data ;3. But, continuing on, he is OBSESSED with music theory and wants to write his own songs. Zero wants to write songs and has music theory down to an absolute tee- however, he won't know how to condense his deep love and feelings for Xev. He asks Axl for help, and they both collab and write a song together, which helps Zero gain an extra boost of experience in writing songs, which gives him the chance to write another song condensing his feelings for Xev for their wedding by writing "Only One Blue Jay in the Sky". What they both write together is called "Bird Wings Glide".

I’ll probably make another headcanon when I get the details down on the songwriting process of the two and Zero’s feelings and possibly the lyrics to what they’d be like in another post, maybe.

Another special interest he has is squishies. He loves to squish things, as stated previously, and squishies are his number 1 go to for that. He also loves pushing buttons or tapping on things. Especially when he loves making certain noises that tickle his neurodivergent A-Chip. He also loves remaking them. Repurposing them into something and making them into his own style he loves to make into art. Yeah, if you couldn't tell, Axl actually loves watching Moriah Elizabeth on Youtube lol. Don't worry about if youtube's still a thing or not, idk if I wanna figure that out for the AU at all yet lmao.

His sensory issues would be with smell and texture from coconuts, human bones (like basically touching them, especially the marrow), soapy water with grease, seeds in jam (yes, I said jam, not jelly), large crowds (especially when they touch him unprompted), sitting still without able to stim at all (I'm debating on headcannoning him with ADHD as well, haven’t decided yet), textures that feel rough (in his words, "icky", which I feel that, man) when rubbed the opposite direction of a texture he loves feeling. It's a very complicated one we both feel tbh haha

Anyway, that's all I can name at the top of my head, I'll probably make a list specifically to both his and Xev's things they have troubles with.

Which, speaking of Xev, it's still a more up in the air kind of thing, since I'm still not sure. This headcanon kind of spurs from a friend's headcanon I got from, @curtashiism specifically. They had an X that was headcanoned autistic and I really liked it cuz he had the potential to have autism, and it made the most sense to me so I figured I'd think about if I wanted the same thing for mine.

But I'm still unsure about it, really, even if I'm leaning towards wanting to do it. So, if I ever fully decide to go that route, I'll post the list of stuff he has trouble with, as well as his strengths in terms of what he loves doing, etc.

I hope y'all liked this post/chapter and felt connected in some way, cuz I def sure do~. Anyway, that's it!! Hope this was also a fascinating read~.

[hero-deserves-to-be-happy]

really late, but wanted to send in a little assortment of question prompts for the ask game, so take your pick!: 3 and 16 for hero, 1 and 5 for CJ, 6 and 7 for lorraine, 8 and 15 for tamra, 18 for kel, and 13 for sunny! :D - 🩶

🩶-Anon!!!! Hello!! It's so wonderful to hear from you again. 🥰 We hope you are doing well and that you enjoyed the newest chapters of "When Sun Shines Again." Thank you so much again for the support and encouragement! It meant so much to us to get to hear your thoughts on our series, and we made sure to thank you in our authors' note on Chapter 7 & hope you enjoyed that one especially 💖

Thank you so much for your ask as well! It is always such a delight to see you in our inbox, and we'd be thrilled to answer these questions for you! We're going to try to answer all of them but have decided to divide them into two posts: one for canon characters and the other for OCs. The OC answers are below and the canon character post is linked here. Thank you so much for playing!!

Please drop by our inbox anytime! We love hearing from you. Take care!! 💙

C.J. Answers:

1. Who makes up your family?  How close are you to them?

My immediate family is my parents, my three sisters: Shawna, Lisa, and Camille (but we all call her Cami), and me, but my Nana (my grandma) has always lived with us so I'd include her too. I think I'm pretty close to them.

My older sisters, Shawna and Lisa, are always going to see me as their dorky little brother, I think, but they've always looked out for me. Nana says used to treat me like their doll when I was little and would dress me up in silly clothes and loved pushing me around the in stroller like they were playing house, but I don't remember that beyond her stories and some pictures. I do remember playing together with my sisters as kid though. They both have much stronger personalities than me, so I think they liked that I would just go along with whatever they said and whatever games they wanted to play. Shawna can be really bossy sometimes, and Lisa's really into a lot of girly stuff I don't know that much about, but we always had fun together. They tease me for being hopeless with girls (instead of, you know, actually giving me useful advice), but I know we've got each other's backs.

Cami is my little sister, and she's 7. Shawna and Lisa were 15 and 17 when she was born, but I was only 12 so I think we've always been a little bit closer, especially when our older sisters went away to college and we were the only kids still living at home. Our parents work a lot so we spent a lot of time together just the two us and Nana. We like to watch cartoons together, and Cami loves stories, especially comic books (and I have a pretty big collection of those). She was really sad when I left for college, and I really miss her, but we talk on the phone a lot.

5. What is your favorite thing to do in your free time?

I love spending time outdoors. Hiking is probably my favorite thing to do, but I love pretty much all outdoor activities, except fishing. It's too boring.

I like spending time with my friends too, so the best is when they tag along on my hiking trips. There's a lot of parks in the city including a nature preserve with a lot of hiking trails close to our college, and we'll all go out there sometimes when the weather is nice. Hero and Lorraine pack picnics for us. It's always a lot of fun!

LORRAINE Answers:

6. What's the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?

It was hard to move around a lot and keep leaving my friends when I was a kid. I missed them so much and it has hard to keep in touch from so far away, but now I have pen pals all over the world so that's pretty cool! 🥰

I guess getting over some painful breakups was hard too. Heartbreak can be hard to recover from, but I don't think any of my failed relationships left me shattered and swearing off love forever like poor Hero (or at least I think that's what happened to him...? I don't know all the details, but I can tell his heart is broken and he doesn't think he'll ever be happy again. I worry about him sometimes... 🩷).

Compared to that and everything that happened to Kyle's knee, I don't think anything I've been through has been all that bad. Even my sister has had a rougher time than me, I think. I've had some normal tough times like everybody does, but nothing too lifechanging.

7. Who do you look up to?

My mom! She's so nice and so beautiful, and she has this way of making everybody happy, even when they're having a bad day. When I still lived at home and would invite my friends over, they would say she was like another mom to them because she always makes them feel so welcome and like part of our family. She's amazing at baking, crafts, and especially at gardening, and it's almost like she has this superpower where she can just look at person and know what's bothering them and what will make them feel better. I've always wanted to be just like her! 🥰

TAMRA Answers:

8. What do you think had the biggest impact on you growing up?

I think being encouraged to practice my music and follow my dreams had a really big impact on me. My parents wanted me to do well in school, of course, but they knew how much I loved playing piano so they always made sure I had lessons and time for practice too and would drive me all over the country for recitals, concerts, and competitions. My parents never made me feel like my music was a waste of time.

When I went away to college, I ended up choosing a double major in music and education because I love teaching too, and they were always really supportive of me. I think I might have given up on my dreams if it hadn't been for them.

I also have to mention Andre! He's been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and we've always been really supportive of each other and our dreams (even when they led us to universities thousands of miles away from each other). Getting to meet him and grow up together (and eventually to fall in love 💕) also had a really big impact on me! 💜

15. Do you play any instruments?  Which ones?  How long have you been playing?

Yes! I can actually play a lot of instruments at least a little bit 😅--mostly keyboard instruments like the piano, organ, synthesizer, keytar, melodica, and the harpsicord. Some of my friends from band in high school tried to teach me how to play some of their instruments, and I got pretty good at the clarinet, I think, which made it easier to play the melodica. At college, I've been trying to branch out into strings. My university has a program where its music majors teach private lessons to kids and other people in the community. I teach piano, but a friend of mine teaches viola and another teaches cello, and after our lessons wrap up for the day, we've all been staying late so teach each other our instruments a little bit. It's been fun, but I wouldn't say I'm very good at either of those yet.

My favorite instrument and the one I'm best at is definitely the piano. I've been playing since I was 4, and I love it! It's amazing to get to play piano at college too--though I'll admit I'm getting a little sick of playing Chopin. The chair of the music department's favorite composer is Chopin so I keep getting assigned his pieces for my student showcases, and I'd really like to play something else every now and again (Maybe some Debussy or some Rachmaninoff 🤞).

At my other part time job, I play popular music on piano at a restaurant, and that's always fun! I love transcription projects and getting to play people's (my friends') favorite songs on piano for them. 🥰

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Crazy to log back in after all this time especially after the way I left things. So much has changed and I'm nearly 2 years sober in November. My year long addiction such a central part of me now. Even with me never bothering to take it anymore, being in that state of mind for so long changed me in so many ways. In just a year at that

I've color coded the sections. It was too much of a wall of text. Orange is for work, pink for my boo, green for my life perspective now that im sober and older, the other colors... you'll see it when you get there. Just a summary of everything I've ever wanted to talk about in all this time.

I've quit that job I was talking bout last post. Worked there til mid April and I rage quit. Put my two weeks in then just ain't show for the last what.. 4 days? Fuck that job fr. Assholes worked me to death. How tf I was parttime and working 12 hour shifts back to back at that?

Anyway. I still work in the same field. I'm just at these retirement homes now. I work two at the moment, though one just offered me a new position up there so hopefully I can leave the one closest to me. Buttholes think I'm a robot up there.

The biggest change is thatt, I have a partner now. He's been here with me since late July. We've gotten an apartment now, too as of like 2 months ago now. I've never trusted anyone more.

How it all went down? I was friendly with his sister as she was the one that trained me. I used to talk to her alot which end up leading to me meeting her brother since he also worked up there and was constantly around his little sister. We ended up talking more than me and the sister did. He used to come out to the cafeteria i was running and talk to me for however long time allowed. Whether for an hour or for a few mins, he'd say hi to me.

After a lil while, led to her inviting me to her house. At my old job, in our 12 shift, we were really there for 14 hrs. They gave us an hour and a half break between the 1st and 2nd shift. With her only living 5 mins from the job it wasn't a hard ask lol. Sitting around at that job was not fun. I was by this point not feeling nothing towards my partner but friendship. Which was crazy cause a few days later, I went out there seeing if my dad was outside, only to see him outside waiting to pick up his sister. I was talking to him out in the rain for a lil, then i ofc got in the car to continue talking after a while. Sat there running my mouth for long enough that his sister came out. She had this devilishly big smile on her face when she said "oh I did invite you over"

That one trip led to coming over hanging out with her brother specifically, spending a night watching movies in her room, getting friendly with their mom. I started to feel so welcome. Then, I got a lil tipsy annd bumped my head and he pulled me towards him trying to see if I was okay annnd the rest was history. I ended up moving in, with their mother's push and my family pushing me away with how eager they were for me to gtfo. Barely talk to me now that im gone. Unless i reach out ofc. It's been ups, downs, but he somehow was there through all that.

I even got kicked out the house for "hitting" their mother. In reality, by that point, I was paying $250 a month for the room I shared with him, I paid for household supplies, I cleaned. Everything. So after a while, it was a bit tiring getting screamed at for any and every mistake I made. I had threw away pieces of this series x box and she told me take it out her trash and throw it in the outside. I grabbed as much as I could at the time as I had other pieces already in my hand but it wasn't good enough. She said to come get the rest and I was confused. I just said my hands are full and I went to throw the rest away. But me saying my hands were full was a problem. I don't know if I said it in a tone, I was tryna be as calm as I could, but it wasn't good enough.

She started yelling and talking shit, calling me names. All types of stuff. Me and him was just taking it. Not saying a single thing back, like she liked. But he threw his phone at the wall in frustration and I thought it was time to fix it. It wasn't that serious in my eyes. So I came up to her asking why she thought I had an attitude so we can fix it. I didn't have an attitude and even if I did, I still did what she asked with no hesitation. With two trips, I threw the whole box away and ripped it up just like she wanted to make sure it wouldn't take up too much room. But all that was null and void because of how she perceived my voice.

So in my failed attempts to get her to talk to me, she just getting angrier and angrier which made me frustrated. I just stood there asking again and again what did I do to make you think I had an attitude, her getting mad and saying she ain't have to explain herself to me, which I was trying to explain I wasn't trying to make her explain why she was mad I just wanted to know how I wronged you so I CAN FIX IT. And me standing there and her getting angry eventually led her to pointing a finger right in my face which I swatted away. It was reflex really. Was mere inches away from my eye and I never once touched her so why get physical?? I don't know what possessed her to even do that.

And me swatting her hand, was the worst decision ever. The mother started trying to swing at me, the sisters boyfriend that also lived there at that point was trying to hit me and my boyfriend jumped in and pulled me back. I couldn't focus on nothing anymore and the next thing I knew the sisters boyfriend came up to me and pushed me onto the bed. I was so scared I didn't know what he was going to do next and I started freaking out. I couldn't breath I couldn't think. I just felt so scared and helpless. I had to hear the rest after the fact

My boyfriend and his sister's boyfriend both got into a fight, the sister and the mother tried to break up. The mom got pushed down to the floor in the process (which was as I said, happened during the process of a whole fist fight between these grown men. You'll see why I clarify this), my boyfriend picked him up, and somehow someway, the sisters boyfriend went to go grab his gun. A gun that he apparently had at the house. It was an assault riffle

When he did that the whole atmosphere changed. No one was focused on the fight they were focused on him putting the gun up. Then they came to me and that's where my pov comes back. I was there on the bed curled up crying ripping out my hair, and my boyfriend standing over me just angry at everything. He just stood over me crying frustrated trying to get me breathe. Then the sister just stood over me, like I was an alien. I regretted even saying anything. I wondered if I should've just grabbed it all and just let it fall out my hands so she knew I wasn't being funny acting. I started to wonder if I was right to swat her hand or should I have let her touch me first before I did that. All these thoughts made me feel so powerless as none of those decisions should have led to this brawl.

The sisters boyfriend tried to play man of the house and talk shit and the sister just smiled. My boyfriend still hasn't forgiven her for it. He never looks at her the same anymore. It feels like I broke up the family. To. This. Day. The mom kicked me out and my boyfriend said fuck everyone and left with me. He helped me pack everything because the mom was telling me "my fatass needs to hurry up" and "sitting there like shit sweet" and smart comment after smart comment while I'm over there just bawling my eyes out. We went to his dad's house who asked for an explanation but once we explained, he respected that it was a huge blowup, and the dude pulling out a gun was bigger than all this.

Little did we know, the little bit of relief we felt being at his dad's house for the night would be short lived. The mom, sister, and her boyfriend were all going around calling up family to tell their twisted version of events. They said I hit mama and my partner pushed her to the ground. I felt like a mouse. The whole family hated me atp. But we spent a night at the dad's house, explained everything to everyone calling him and just kept on going. The sisters ended up believing us in saying they were kinda shocked to hear I'd hit their mom knowing how I am so they were more mad that they twisted the story and didn't even include the fact this man just pulled out a gun on their brother. We told everything as it happened so it helped our story alot

Anyway, we lived there for a few months, feeling trapped and stupid. His dad's house was filthy and we were working hard to pay rent at his dad's, find and apartment, and save for a deposit fee. We barely could eat because the kitchen was so nasty half the time you didn't know what you were touching. The silverware were half dirty, the fridge handle always had food remnants caked on it, food would be left out overnight and more, dishes there for days. Everything. This is all because his dad is half blind and his fiance works so she expects him to do all the cleaning. His cleaning skills are not the best but I can't fully blame him given his disability.

We were eating off fast food everyday for months because of this. We'd barely eat just because we hid rhe fact we were eating out where we could, so he wouldn't feel offense on why we wouldn't eat his and her food, and we kept it pushing.

We moved out in April annd things have gotten better in a sense. We argue way more but I think that's natural for how much more we get to be around each other. I don't work as long hours and we're in each other's face 24/7. But I get so angry. I don't know why. It's like I hold back so much, just angry talking at first, then he says something that makes me snap. Then, I'm screaming, throwing things, and I try to get away. It feels all instinct, like someone else is taking over. And all I can do is wait til I calm down and apologize for being scary. I don't hurt him. I never will. I've thrown my phone, broken countless bracelets off me, and I've scratched myself over and over trying to make myself focus on something else, but I've never thrown more than a pen directly at him. I feel so guilty everytime I do it. But I be feeling unheard in the moment and I just want it over with. To be left alone again.

But he holds onto me anyway. He sees me for more than just my blowups. He hates it and has asserted he won't take it forever, but he understands Im not used to love upclose. I'm the ex princess pill enjoyer. I went an entire year with an addiction only my sisters noticed. I've lost my two closest friends along with the whole robotics friend group I thought I'd have in an instant. I usually am one disagreement from losing someone, so I hold it in. But now, I have someone to learn to let it out for. Someone to learn to not blowup for. It's just hard.

I'm really trying though. I tried jumping out the car cause I was so mad and he just stopped the car and held me. Even though he was just as mad at me. We were arguing just a second before. Ever since then, that rage scares me. I'm not in control the way i thought I was. I would never jump out a moving fucking vehicle in my life. You can break your arm, scrape the skin right off you, knock yourself out. Anything. But I just felt this trance of I couldn't keep being in this car arguing and I started saying I couldn't do it and just opened the door. I don't know what I was thinking. I really wasn't thinking. But knowing that's a possibility, I just know I have to fix myself.

I've been doing better. I nowadays will just throw my phone and get mad and he'll just leave it instead of continuing like normal. Then once I calm down, we talk about why I got so mad, he explains why he was mad at me in the first place, and we're good. I hope someday I can skip on the rage part entirely but I've been doing better now that I have a moment to collect myself. Plus, I know no matter what argument, til the day he betrays my trust, I will always want him in my life and these petty arguments change nothing. He's shown me time and time again he loves me through everything so I will make sure I love him unconditionally too.

And that's where everything is now. I'm at work typing this now. I'm resisting the urge to impulsively quit. My boss just called me yesterday frustrated I don't pick up morning shifts last second trying to make it like I just don't want to work. I just don't think that's a humane ask. On your day off, would you want to be called awake at 6am to get up and IMMEDIATELY go to work? No. She'd give me a one day notice on morning shifts too and I'd say no, because I didn't want to cut the day short to go to bed for work. And that's a problem here.

I have a second job that's been great but the distance and pay wasn't the best. But they appreciate me, they've tried to fight for better pay, and the were sad I tried this job. Annnd crazily, I came back, did orders for a few days, and they offered me a part time receptionist while doing orders too. Giving me damn near full time hours. Like FINALLYYYY I'm not waiting on random shifts to make my money. I can just come in and do the same work everyday.

It's not confirmed til Monday but, soon as it's confirmed. I'm outttt

Life doesn't get better, it just changes. If anything it gets worse. Seriously. I've wanted to die all the time lately. It's just a new hurt. You can't ever escape it. In a way, it's harder and easier. On the one hand, you have a different type of worth now. Once you move out, youre not just parents burden, you become your own burden. So that constant guilt I used to feel is gone. I don't ask for help no matter what. I even hate gifts from them now. I feel like they use that as their way to have something to say about what I'm doing. But you burdening yourself also stings cause you have to drag yourself to shit you don't want ALLLLLLL THE TIMEEE. Don't want to go to work? Call in sick? Don't have any sick hours? Call in with an emergency. Gotta do what uou gotta do. I'm not proud of it. But even then... you have to be socially aware of everyone's opinion of your actions. Or, you choosing yourself too many times will make you lose a job, get played at your job, or fuck you over come time to pay everything. It's such a big sacrifice to choose yourself now.

That's just true in general when you get out the house. That's what makes it so difficult.. I barely was choosing myself before. But now? There's no one else but you. If you don't go out to make yourself some money, you'll make yourself miserable worrying about food, bills, and keeping a roof over your head. But some days you argue right before work. Some days you want to end it and you don't want to to think about nothing else. But I have to think, if I fail this time, what's gonna happen? If you try it, and you fail, what are you going to do? Are you gonna be able to afford copays on your hospital stay? Are you gonna be able to get back to work if need be? Are you gonna be able to be in others faces right after that happened to you? Is there even going to be a job waiting on you by the time you recover?

I'm more scared of the day I'll attempt now. If I attempt now, I'll fuck over my partner. I wonder how he'd take it. I'd probably break him. Even though I regularly tell him I want to die to this day, he'll never feel the full weight til he sees how serious it gets for me. I don't want to take away his character showing him that. I'll break up and do it before I sneak off and do something like that now. I know that would hurt him still. But even before him, it's just harder on me making that decision.

I'm still open to it though. Thus far, this life shit still sucks. The work life balance is just gone in America. Unless you're making top dollar, buying a house, regularly vacationing, and having money to properly invest in your hobbies, you're just sitting around on you butt/doing chores/getting business handled. You've always had to work for your money but nowadays uou need to hoard this nonexistent extra money just to do anything. It's so dull. I already didn't want to do this and now I'm bored to death half the time. Great!!!1!11!!! (I've developed a tiktok addiction now. It's an instict for me to get on as soon as I'm not doing anything. I can't stand to be bored for one second 😶‍🌫️)

Anywaysss. That's it. I'm alive, I'm the same, but with a boyfriend now. I have the same brain from way back when I was daily posting on here. There's just more stuff chaining me down to this world. If you read all this thank you. I hope you feel seen. I know it's not easy out here

...and to the people that didn't read. Yea. I get it 😅

[itsclydebitches]

Am I the only RWBY hater legitimately happy they're addressing Ruby's trauma and her constant shoving it under the 'i'm a happy dappy shounen protag! you can lean on me!' rug. If it fucks it up I don't think I'll even be too mad - The Owl House fucked theirs up and that's one of the best new shows out. The fact they actually had Ruby faint as her literally shutting down to the new information was neat to me. So tbh despite the rest of the episode being, lmao, bad, I kind of want to be happy and expectant based off that alone. If the focus of the volume really is zeroing in on Ruby's mental health (which it definitely is squaring up to be) I'm kind of interested what they'll do.

You're far from the only one, anon! I'm cautiously hopeful, based primarily on that opening. The fact that we've got Ruby lagging behind the group alongside, our trailer with her past doppelganger seemingly judging her, tells me that yeah, we are squaring up to tackle this. Which is great!

It's also, honestly, kinda frustrating. I was saying years ago that if RWBY finally gets its act together it'll be too little too late in many respects and now we're bumping up against that very problem. I have trouble taking Ruby's trauma seriously when it was nearly nonexistent post-Penny's first death and actually nonexistent after her resurrection. I especially have a hard time taking it seriously when it's book-ended by cutsey mice and vine gags. I'd argue that on one level RWBY already has fucked up Ruby's mental health arc, simply by letting it languish for eight years and introducing the core of it in that mess of a premiere... but that's not to say that there won't still be worthwhile aspects this season, even if the arc isn't all that it could have been.

I'm also just so, so wary after Volume 8. Because Volume 7 had so much going for it. We had the same basic setup of, "This is nowhere near perfect because we had too many problems going into the season, but damn if what they're doing with Ironwood and the team isn't interesting!" And then that crashed and burned so very hard. Obviously that's not to say RWBY will fail again to follow up on what they've introduced, but history hasn't made me particularly optimistic.

Tomorrow is going to be pretty crucial imo. Because Ruby's faint - while yes, emphasizing her shock and tendency to, in this case, literally shut down - is also an easy way to dodge her having a more complex, nuanced reaction. The premiere dodged that further by going, "Ruby says she's fine and conveniently the girls aren't gonna push her about that. Oh look! The episode needs to end now." So tomorrow's 15-20 minute chunk is when the story has to start actually doing something with this revelation - whatever that looks like. If Ruby begins to deal with his somehow (because remember, we only have 9 episodes left), fantastic, we're on our way through a potentially satisfying arc. But if we continue to waste time on silly jokes while Ruby just remains perpetually in this state of, "I'm fine, no need to grapple with what I'm dealing with" - which, notably, has basically been her default state since Volume 3 - then I'm worried we'll get another one-episode "fix it" towards the end of the season, rather than an emotionally fulfilling arc. There's a big difference between actually taking Ruby through this journey of coming to terms with her grief and (fingers crossed) her mistakes vs. introducing us to the fact that She Is Sad and then giving us a scene later in the Volume when she inexplicably, completely Overcomes It. Think Oscar accepting his role as Ozpin's host off screen. Qrow suddenly deciding he's done with drink and look, there are no problems with quitting. Or Ruby's lie never amounting to anything, Ren deciding he's just a bad teammate somewhere out in the snow, even leaving half our characters for a Volume with a potential time-skip on the horizon.

RWBY is very good at saying, "Here's a big problem" and also "It's fixed now," but it's grown terrible at providing the in between; how we got from the staggeringly difficult problem to its resolution. I'm really hoping Ruby's arc doesn't go the same route.

[icharchivist]

I was expecting them to paint Raziel and her desire to bring Lucifer back as fully bad, as a foil to Magus and to have Sandalphon tell her to let him rest for good, so I was actually surprised when in the end they told her to keep looking for ways to bring him back, just without risking other people's lives. So the hope does live on

But yeah... It's a bit......

I definitely saw people mention the "the set up seems to be that Raziel wants to bring Lucifer back and Sandalphon is going to have to oppose to it no matter what" so i definitely expected that a little..... but in the end the truth is a bit in the middle, at least. The hope to get Lucifer back is still there, even if it just means "but not in this particular instance".

which is nice, i do appreciate that the door is opened for it, and even Magus is offered a possible entry into our lives and all of that.

still...... damn.

Like, it's a great set up!!! it really is!!! i'm glad it exists and it means that, once we actually get Lucifer back, it's great!!

but it just.... I think ever since Created by The Stars, Loved by the Skies, it's the kind of bait we've been having. Look at playable Lucifer! look at how Primals can come back! Look at Cosmos' return from her connection with a primal beast you didn't even know she had a connection with! Look at Lucifer's 6* uncap talking about how he's pulled more and more into our world! look at Sandalphon's new FE talking about how he yearns for him!

..... and then, it's just "and now you wait", again and again.

the day Lucifer comes back, i will look back on it all as nice set up, because narratively, it holds up.

but living through the wait is starting to be agonizing and especially with this amount of bait to prepare it. And god knows how long they will actively pull this trick on us, considering that Sandalphon being the Widower:tm: while also being available for self ship and for others ships possibly is probably also something they have struggle getting out of. Esp with, say, Sandalphon joining Relink probably meaning that they will keep Sandalphon as the Widow who lives to stop the enemy who wants to defy the wishes of his late beloved.

I'd be better off if they didn't really push it this much forward.

and yeah it's like, not bad, as a set up, it's fantastic, when we get there, this will be nice and all.

but as it is right now it's another one of those "nono trust the plan we're getting there" and it gets a bit.....

especially like, if you know me, i originally didn't want Lucifer to come back to life. I thought his death was extremely impactful and it probably was best to leave it at that, in its own way.

It's just that all those set up with the years made me hope for this what if more and more. So this feels a bit painful still.

Sighs.

but the event was fantastic, for real!!! i get it also seeing the full picture that bringing Lucifer back now would have probably disturbed the balance of the event, which is extremely tight and well written and everything that's set up is either properly closed upon, or given an open path to take later. It was a great event, it's really no shade on the event and even the decision to not go through with the Lucifer thing.

it's just that as long as it keeps being the way they talk about Lucifer, it's going to hurt for a while.

Mixed feelings in that sense, i adored the event and i'm glad with what we got. I'm just feeling a little bitter, even though by the end i get it and i'm content. idk how to explain it like, my bitterness does nothing to distract me from how strong this event was and how it made me feel good, yaknow what i mean?

difficult emotions to word out but yeah.. yeah.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

It's late saturday afternoon. I'm laying on my couch reading and my phone rings. I see the E in the colored circle before anything else and my body lights up like a Christmas tree.

"Hey!" I say softly

Without missing a beat he replies "What are you wearing?"

"Want me to lie to you? cause it's nothing exciting"

He laughs his adorable breathy laugh.

"No, that's ok. Do you have plans tonight?"

"Want to see for yourself, huh?"

"Maybe"

"Well, right now my plans include reading this book and eating leftover meatloaf over my sink for dinner later"

That laugh again, but louder.

"Man, that sounds exciting. But I have a better idea"

"Whatcha got for me?

"Dinner and then whatever" the whatever makes my body twitch.

Especially since I have been seeing Evan for a few weeks and we've been taking things slow. We kiss and hold hands. Cuddle up to each other. But, that's as far as our intimacy has gone. In the beginning he told me he really likes me, but feels like he still needs a little space to clear his mind. I told him absolutely, because I really liked him too. I was worried he wouldn't be serious about taking things further but, so far he has been consistent about wanting to hang out. I'm patient with him, but impatient on the inside. I would never say that to him.

He's very kind to everyone, respectful and sweet. He has a perverted sense of humor, but so do I and I love it about him. I don't offend easily and his jokes are not overly aggressive. We make each other laugh. We have deep, meaningful conversations and also lighter ones. He listens to me and retains the important things. It feels good. I do the same when I can. He smiles a lot around me. I hope it's because he feels comfortable and happy. But, he doesn't open up to me much. Which is something I don't want to push.

He picks me up and takes me out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I tried to protest and tell him I don't expect fancy. He says that's why I want to take you there. We get back to my house and I invite him in.

We sit down and turn the TV on. He puts his arm around me and I lean into him. We both sigh and I say "man, this feels good". He agrees. I tell him he smells good. He said I smell wonderful and he's been wanting to tell me that all night. I ask him why he didn't? He looks at me and shrugs.

Evan...

What? He says softly

You don't have to be afraid to tell me how you feel. I mean , I know you have been a little here and there. But...

It's hard for me. Vulnerability is not something I deal well with.

Can I do anything to ease your anxieties? Because my goal here is for you to feel safe with me. And that you can talk to me. I know you're trying. I'm not trying to push you.

I know. I want to.

Listen, what's the reason we haven't been..together yet? I don't see you being shy about sex. Taking it slow is fine. But, I feel like there's more to it than that.

He kisses me softly. He says he's just in his own head about things. I don't want to disappoint you. In the past ive been berated for things I have no control over. Made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

Like what? I take his hand. He's reliving something.

One time I drank too much and couldn't get it up. I'm not usually...fast but if I was it would be the end of the world.

Well, I have dealt with all that before and have never gotten shitty about it. I think thats the cruelest thing you can do is make someone feel like shit in an intimate setting. I brush his adorable curls out of his face. I kiss his forehead. Twice.

I care about you. I want to be close to you. I want to feel the weight of your body on mine.....

He kisses me fast and hard. Its urgent and needy. I touch his face. He's caressing my arms. He pulls away and looks me right in the eyes. I... He doesn't know what to say.

Wanna go upstairs? I ask. Only if you want to. I say.

The look he's giving me. Sweet, but eager. He nods yes.

I stand up and put my hand out. "Come with me honey. It's ok"

He stands up and takes my hand. I lead him up the stairs to my room. It feels like eternity before we are standing next to my bed.

To be continued......

*anon getting us emotionally invested*

[ener-chi]

Life update! TLDR; New job, Odinn and Runic Magic, Stimulation, and More!

So I did end up getting a new job! I work for a company that helps people with mental disabilities to become fully independent on their own. I'm a care coordinator, and I drive out and help people do things like shopping, meal planning, cleaning, skills training, med support, etc.

Ngl, I was REALLLYYY nervous when I first started this job. As you know, I'm incredibly sensitive to energy, and I was going to be working with people that have a LOTT of very heavy emotions and energies.

Most of the people I work with suffer from things like schizoaffective disorder, bipolar, depression, things like that. And a lot of them at one point were homeless, and some have suffered from drug addiction as well. Not to mention, the world has not always been as kind to people with mental disabilities as we are now (and that's saying something) so they all typically have emotional baggage and trauma as well.

So yeah. Veryy nervous as to how I was going to interact with all of that heavy energy. To my surprise, I have been handling it INCREDIBLY well. Like... it's like I discovered this inner strength that I didn't know I had. My people-pleasing bad habits have all completely gone away, and the anxiety that I would normally get from negative energy and drama is no longer.

Blegh. I'm still having a hard time articulating it but. I feel strong. I'm not completely unaffected, though. At the end of the day, I spend some time meticulously cleaning and cleansing my energy and my aura. Even though it doesn't affect me deeply, I can still feel the energy in my aura. I also spend extra time doing self care and maintenance to make sure that I'm grounded enough so that I don't become shaken by the storm that is my job.

I can say with 100% certainty that I would not have been able to do this job a few months ago. Hell, not even a month ago. My Master's Reiki Attunement really kicked me into gear for this.

I'm grateful. I actually love my job. It's only 25 hours a week, 1 full day and 2 half days. I work independently, with a company car and gear. I have decent down time.

But most importantly, I genuinely love helping these people so much. It's so special to me that I get to directly help people who are in such great a need. I get to connect with them and help them through probably the hardest parts of their lives. And it makes me happy knowing that I get to be a part of touching someone else's life in a meaningful way.

In other news, I did start working with Odinn. We've worked together in the past, but never formally. Before I got my new job, there was a week where I was seeing him and ravens constantly. Finally, he approached me and told me he wanted to work together more formally. We both have similar goals in terms of knowledge, and it would be beneficial for us both to work together.

Part of our agreement is that he would teach me some runic magic. I already knew some from the astral and from working with Skadi, but he really gave me an upgrade.

He's also been teaching me some new runes that kind of work like sigils... kind of. He taught me one for protection that has been especially helpful with my new job, and really works. If I get the okay, maybe I'll share these new runes someday.

I've also felt really... overstimulated, lately. Like... my brain. I realized that my brain was constantly craving stimulation, a side-effect of the media that is always being pushed at us.

I took a break from it when I went camping and now that my brain is understimulated (or just Normal, ig) it's hard for me to want to go back. Like... don't get me wrong. My brain WANTS to go and watch videos and memes and doom scroll and play various games, but... at the same time, it's all so exhausting, ya know? I've been unplugging a lot and doing a shit ton of meditation lately and it has been working wonders for me.

Anywho, I think that's it for now, cuz this post is really long. Once I stop training at work, I'm gonna do more with my readings. Thanks to everyone who has engaged with my paid services so far (a lot of you!). I'm probably going to do some advertising and promoting to see if I can get that going a bit more - which usually means free readings. So stay tuned ((:

I hope that everyone has a good night!

Blessings!

[bodywyrcs]

You cannot hate yourself into becoming a better version of you❤️

I've been going back and forth with how to start this blog today, and straight to the point seems the best way.

Its a conversation that has cropped up in both my counselling and sports therapy clinics recently. I often see people who hate how they feel, how they look or simply who they are; who call themselves all the names under the sun but wouldn't think twice about using that language on their nearest and dearest; and who tear themselves apart in front of me for the shame of expecting someone else to care about them. They overflow with compassion for everyone else, but run dry when it comes to themselves.

Change seems impossible. But carrying on without change is unbearable. So what do we do?

Unfortunately, I think we've been convinced somewhere along the line that for our self-esteem to improve we need external approval. By sacrificing our own needs for those of everyone around us we might become likeable? Perhaps if we lose a shed-load of weight, run a gnarly ultra-marathon, or win a big promotion in work people might think better of us? And maybe *THEN* - once we've truly proven our worth to everyone - we might be happy! But in my eyes, that's all upside down and back to front.

You see the problem is, self-loathing is never satisfied. In my late 20s I lost a lot of weight, I got a LOT of compliments and it powered me up. But I didn't *like* myself. I was starving myself and then using exercise to make up for when I was 'bad' - to the point I used up all my iron stores and became quite unwell (and OHMYGOD I was a diet bore! Sorry friends, you were very patient!). But the nice comments kept coming, so it fed my belief that I was doing the right thing.

Of course, being fuelled by other peoples perceptions isn't sustainable, because once you've achieved one thing, what next? How will you impress everyone again and continually prove your worth? It never ends. And the need for external praise and positive judgement means when it goes in the opposite direction it feels SO MUCH WORSE. Which is exactly what happened when a relationship at the time went bad and I piled the weight back on. A new sort of punishment! And so the cycle continued!

And that's a loooong way of saying, you are not a before or after photo. You are the one and only version of you. Right now. And learning to love, or just like and simply appreciate that person is the most important thing you can spend your energy on.

Because -and this is the bit I stake my whole being on - positive and sustainable change can only come from a place of true self-care and the absolute *BELIEF* that you are worth the effort. If you go to the gym to hurt or punish yourself, how long is that going to last? How long until the motivation disappears in a puff of smoke? But if you go to the gym because you value yourself; because you want to improve your strength; because you enjoy the feeling of using your muscles and pushing yourself towards new goals...then there's your incentive, no doubt! Self-care should never minimise who you are, and the people worth keeping around will never expect you to squash yourself into a smaller box to keep them happy.

The thing is, learning to value ourselves is HARD, especially if the negative inner-voice is well practised and LOUD. But if we don't learn to value ourselves and (heaven forbid) LOVE ourselves, why would we ever invest time and energy into looking after ourselves properly? And I'm not just talking about physical health, I'm thinking about boundaries, rest, creativity, and all the fun stuff inbetween. If we don't respect and understand ourselves, how do we know what we truly *need* or what we actually *enjoy* doing in the first place?

This last month I've LOVED seeing the talk on the Paralympics and the Olympics about self-care. These highly driven, outcome-focused individuals talking openly about taking time out to improve self-esteem and understand their mental health has been AMAZING.

But you don't need to be an elite athlete to be worthy of self-care and love. You simply need to exist, as you are - and maybe do a little bit of work to challenge those negative thoughts and get to know yourself better. There is no "correct" way to do it, its all trial and error and exploring what works for you. I started (years ago) by doing a guided meditation every day off YouTube for 10 minutes to calm my head down and understand what I actually needed - there are LOADS out there and they are FREE! Writing down those negative thoughts can help to get them out of your head - then go back later and challenge each one as if you're defending your closest, oldest friend. Come up with a morning mantra and tell yourself it in the mirror everyday. Book in a regular treat to show yourself that you care. Maybe consider some counselling to get you started if you feel you need guidance. It might not be comfortable to begin with, but small, regular and achievable action is the way to go. You can change the way your brain is wired, but it takes time - and that is most definitely something worth investing in.

[temporarymoods]

first blog!

yay I'm blogging. I'm 21 and I made a blog! maybe this will be good for me, I think. maybe I can keep doing things that are good for me.

🎶 I want sweet revenge / I want him again 🎶

So not true! (I tend to start diary entries with the lyric of a song that's stuck in my head-- especially cool if relevant.) But no, I'm single, and I don't feel particularly wanting of either vengeance or re-coupling at the moment, though the moment tends to be short and infantile. That being said, when I talk of the recent, it certainly is the most important thing, and, wouldn't you know, it takes a quite specific form, seemingly out of nowhere, which surely plans on vanishing within a bit. There we have the reason for this blog (see: name.) Digging in: something we should all be doing more, scraping art and thus pleasure out of our lives; momentarily my sole commitment, while it lasts, while anything does.

It rained today, and thinking about the water calls my attention to how crystal-clear things have been in and around my little being as of late. I told my therapist on Monday (tonight is Wednesday's) that perhaps, the good, long days I've met over the past week are the result of another hypomanic episode, not unlike the one in April which got me diagnosed with bipolar ii. She told me that, frankly, she wished I had never come across the term; I'm doing well, and nothing's wrong with that, and I should be proud of myself. She's right, of course. Consider the heinous acts of socializing, self-esteeming, sweating, and getting shit done--- not bad things, just what I've been wanting for so long!!* So maybe I'm unipolar (aka it's just depression lmao.) Fruitless conclusion? Methinks. Moods, each and every last one, still dominate me (ooh la la), and I won't turn my focus away from them now, as I'm just starting to write the perfect cheatsheet. TLDR I'm sensitive, perhaps not clinically, but does it matter?

🎶 My baby loves me, I'm so angry / Anger makes me a modern girl 🎶

Real. And complicated. While patriarchy has been sooo top of mind, along with an atypically roaring orange feminist fire in my heart, roughly shaking 'gender ideas' have been floating around my head, too. I suppose one of them floated through my fingers and called a hair salon yesterday afternoon. The spirit of gender must have simultaneously took over the air in my lungs and let me schedule a cut for Friday. And I'm so mad, at everything, more than normal; I think about the shape of misogyny, and I've somehow become re-appalled at so much, because there is so much, and it hurts, very actively--- maybe it's that things have come so up to surface recently, like I said, clear. But?B/c?And? When I get ready to be out in the world, and I'm there, taking time with reflective surfaces, I look at my face and I see something different than usual--- someone more me, suddenly present, too. I greet them, haha, hello! Who are you? And what will you look like with short hair? Maybe more like yourself, whoever that is, whatever we've been dealing with. I'm sorry I may have pushed you away for so long, but I promise that I'll get to you eventually, through the brush. Avoidance is something I am great at.

Not all of the time, though. Last Friday--the one that ended up too good it got me shaking in my refusing-to-take-my-prescribed-mood-stabilizers boots--I strutted (strat?) into the Disability Resource Center on campus, before noon, and I did something that I had been avoiding for ~500 days, something that haunted me day-in and night-out for truly that long. Here, I will not disclose what that was. But what matters is that it was stupid, meaningful to me in a way I would not wish upon anybody, and I cried on the T home, with relief and joy and a puff of laughter. And I did talk to real people about it, and only let out a couple tears the second time. Now I'm writing on the web about it, really putting it out there: I make mistakes! I am capable! I'm going to fucking graduate college!

*I recognize that it's a little sad to be so startled by the presence of my own well-being. But it's a true picture, and I am quite comfortable with it. :) There's a story I tell myself, about my life (and I'm sure I'm not alone in this)--- when it comes to the past couple of years, it's...rough! And that's okay, if only because it has to be. It's left me with certain inclinations, sure: My therapist (who is awesome, if so much is not already clear) tells me I get anxious about becoming anxious. Yeah. She also says stuff like it's 'safer to blame yourself than eyeing the system' [my note] which I think is rad. I appreciate her and her help in dismantling my black-and-white thinking. Thanks, Andrea!

🎶 I've got sun in my muthafuckin pocket, that's for sure 🎶

SorryNotSorry for not being able to get enough of Olivia Rodrigo's new album--- sue me! Can you be surprised, dear critical Kate follower, when I've been pulling so much existential peace from rewatching Pretty Little Liars at night and flourishing notably within my oft-adored bedroom? No, you cannot! And it is with this activity in mind that I close out my first blog post. Part of me wants this to sit and collect internet dust. Another part of me wants it to get like, max 3 notes (that's what they call likes on Tumblr, right?) If you're reading this, hi. So silly, so so silly.

Tastefully, Kate 9/13/23

p.s. super duper into a specific kind of indie music recently. playlist titled 'rememba' is a cookie jar.