princess-pill-enjoyer

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I've been smoking black and milds everydayyy I'm so tired of emmm

I'm gonna just go back to dph atp. I'm so broke weed is lowkey out of the question. I quit so my boyfriend could actually have some and feel it. Splitting it is cool and all til we're both craving an al capone twice a day.

Bro what's another cheap substance I can get that will make me not feel like shit all the time. Alcohol excluded cause I have a high tolerance and I gotta drink a pretty decent amount to feel okay.

I don't even like ts anymore it's just always the cheapest option 😭😭

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

One day it will all be okay. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day. You are so worthy of being alive. Everything you've been through isn't fair at all

I'm honestly just now seeing this. I appreciate the kind words. Ima keep it pushing for now. Thanks :)

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I'm so serious. If my partner ever broke up with me I'd kill myself. Not even to spite them or make them feel bad. I just can't take these feelings as is. I feel like im only here to not make him feel guilty. He loves me too much. But if I didn't feel like I was obligated to keep him okay, I think I'd have already did it again. Nothing works. I feel like in my heart, I know I'm meant to go this way. I'm trying to fight my fate

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Huh. I never knew that. I wonder if a part of me was oding all the time lowkey self medicating. I mean ofc they're not gonna prescribe 500mg doses of sleepy medicine but like theoretically if you take that many would it work in the place of an antidepressant?

Maybe I should go back to the doctor... I stopped taking my zoloft and my atomoxetine cause I felt like it wasn't doing anything. Plus started to forget to take em anyway. Maybe I really do need meds

Requesting a history of diphenhydramine! I read somewhere that it was the first discovered SSRI, but can’t remember where.

This will be the history of diphenhydramine as an SSRI and the drugs surrounding it. The history of diphenhydramine as a whole is longer than my standard post length and I would want to do it justice!

It was technically the first available SSRI (becoming available by prescription in 1946), but it's SSRI activity was not discovered until the 1960s, after the SSRI activity of brompheniramine (available 1955) was discovered.

Brompheniramine was the first antihistamine to be studied as an antidepressant, as it was noted to have antidepressant properties strong enough to be usable. Out of this research came the antidepressant drug zimelidine, which went to market in 1982. Two years later, this drug would be withdrawn due to reports of Guillain-Barre syndrome.

Diphenhydramine does not have antidepressant effects strong enough to be usable, but it does weakly inhibit serotonin reuptake. Out of research into the antidepressant potential of diphenhydramine, the antidepressant fluoxetine (Prozac) was created. Fluoxetine went on the market in 1986 and is the 25th most commonly prescribed drug in the US today.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

If I were to count how many times I've attempted suicide throughout my life, I'd need 3 arms.

If I exclude the times as a kid/preteen where I didn't really know what I was doing, I think it's been about 6 times

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

vent art from recently! always relevant!

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I sometimes fantasize about catching myself and my apartment on fire. Just so I can die with no escape. Watching the consequence and choice I made with nothing I can do but just accepting it. Whether I start to regret it once the pain and smoke kicks in would be irrelevant. It'd be allll over. Finally

.....but then I remember everyone else in this apartment. Can't bring them into the mix

😮‍💨

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I don't believe I'd rather be a kid anymore. I was more suicidal back then and I felt like a coward for steady going on instead of doing what I actually wanted. I feel like technically I've gotten better. I think about it sometimes but I know it isn't an option. I'll lose my job if I fail. I'll hurt my partner. I'll hurt his and my family now. I feel like shit. I feel like there's a never ending war up here

I've become so addicted to my phone. I cannot stand being bored for one second. I sneak and order food when he's gone knowing damn fucking well I can't afford it. I wish I could still be in therapy. I can't afford the one therapist I actually felt comfortable with. I feel like a loser. I keep complaining and digging myself into a bigger and bigger and bigger hole.

I think I am a loser a bit. But now, I will have to find someway to dig myself out of this hole. If im going to be stuck here the rest of my life

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It's crazy if you knew me, you'd be shocked I feel the way I do about this world. Everyone always loooooves how "bubbly" I am. In reality, the bubbliness is there to shield everyone from how miserable I am doing the day to day. When I'm not putting on that show, I'm honestly pretty mellow

I've lowkey started to hate people that notice and love how I act. Like now I gotta fucking make sure I'm doing that now or it's gonna be aww what's wrong? Aww are you okay? You're usually like this... LIKE I DONT ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT LIKE UGHDHSHSUZU

I hate being perceived. I just want to be left alone unless it's actually for something. I don't need any small talk. Talk to me only if you need me to tell you or do something

And yet, I'll still do my song and dance to keep people from seeing the misery I feel. What's the point of getting someone's half forced advice on how to feel better if it doesn't work anyway? Just have to keep going

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

The receptionist job I got was a bust lol. I've been there a whole month and I've only done the position 5 times. Bout 2 of those were actually on a weekend like I agreed to.

Money's tight and the cars breaking down bit by bit. First the tire, then a rim, then another tire, then the headlights, then the break lights.

I've been crying more. I'm crying writing this. I was boohooing otw to work and at work. Could barely hold it together there. I hid in the fridges and the storage room when I needed a second to let it out.

I'm supposed to be going today too. I can't get myself out of bed. I just don't feel like it's worth this mental back and forth I go thru everyday. I'm going crazy. Why did I choose this? Everyday I've been wishing I just died off my last dose of benadryl. Honestly like. I'm exhausted..

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Realest shit I've read 😭

They should invent a way to kill yourself that doesn’t disappoint anyone

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I cut myself in the midst of arguing with my boyfriend. I was threatening to kms right there. I've become so toxic but I meant every word I said. Maybe I should give it up. What kind of person does that? Consequences of living when my soul has been ready to leave this stupid place. I need to learn how to hide it better. Not his fault I don't like being alive

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I don't know if I want to live. Even after all this time. Even with my partner of 1 yr. Even with my own place.

When are the happier days supposed to come?

It's so hard to choose to live now. Seriously. I feel suffocated. I can't never fully relax. If i do, best believe I will feel the consequences of that. It stings so much worse to come out of relaxation and happiness to go straight back to stressing about money and my treatment at work. Sometimes, I just know it isn't worth it to feel relief even on my time off. What's the point of that when you're gonna have to come right back and get restressed anyway?

I'm probably going to have many health issues as I go on too. From all the pills I used to take, to how I think, to how much of my life I've spent stressed. I know it

My money is never my own. Never. I do nothing but pay bills and pay for the other stuff we need. Whether I do or not I end up being so broke I have nothing but like $20 for myself. How am I supposed to be comfortable spending 8-10 hours a day irritated at work, then come home and be spend up all the money I've earned with that work? It feels POINTLESSSS

Why the fuck do I have to carry on in stakes like this? What do I gain? Vs what I feel everyday. I can't talk to anyone bout this cause they just don't get it. They think killing you're over this is trivial. Stupid. They think that everyone goes through this so you just have to hold out. What the fuck should I be doing now? How should I be getting through when I feel like I'm at rock bottom almost every single day?

How am I supposed to live with the empty and uncertain promise that my life will be better someday?

It's just not logical. You will never know the future. Same way everyone screamed go to college go to college at the youth and now look at us. Whether you have a degree or not you're struggling. Groceries are ×4 the price they were just 5 years ago. Nobody can afford houses anymore. Just meant to rent em forever ig. Then, they're overturning all these crazy ass laws that we would've never thought they'd touch. And our 2024 candidacy is a joke. Project 2025 may or may not pass depending on who wins. Just like. How am I supposed to see the light in that?

This world is a shitty place and I hate that I have to be an inhabitant. My biggest regret has become me not killing myself when it would've been easy to. Back when it probably would've just been just a few otc bottles. Or maybe sneaking away from school and having damn near 8 hrs undetected to do whatever I need to do. But now, I gotta worry bout everythingggg else. My job my partner my house. Im over it. I wish I didn't have so many things on my shoulders so I won't feel so guilty when I eventually try it again. Whenever that is, I'm gonna make sure it works. I can't have another failed attempt. I can't take it

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Crazy to log back in after all this time especially after the way I left things. So much has changed and I'm nearly 2 years sober in November. My year long addiction such a central part of me now. Even with me never bothering to take it anymore, being in that state of mind for so long changed me in so many ways. In just a year at that

I've color coded the sections. It was too much of a wall of text. Orange is for work, pink for my boo, green for my life perspective now that im sober and older, the other colors... you'll see it when you get there. Just a summary of everything I've ever wanted to talk about in all this time.

I've quit that job I was talking bout last post. Worked there til mid April and I rage quit. Put my two weeks in then just ain't show for the last what.. 4 days? Fuck that job fr. Assholes worked me to death. How tf I was parttime and working 12 hour shifts back to back at that?

Anyway. I still work in the same field. I'm just at these retirement homes now. I work two at the moment, though one just offered me a new position up there so hopefully I can leave the one closest to me. Buttholes think I'm a robot up there.

The biggest change is thatt, I have a partner now. He's been here with me since late July. We've gotten an apartment now, too as of like 2 months ago now. I've never trusted anyone more.

How it all went down? I was friendly with his sister as she was the one that trained me. I used to talk to her alot which end up leading to me meeting her brother since he also worked up there and was constantly around his little sister. We ended up talking more than me and the sister did. He used to come out to the cafeteria i was running and talk to me for however long time allowed. Whether for an hour or for a few mins, he'd say hi to me.

After a lil while, led to her inviting me to her house. At my old job, in our 12 shift, we were really there for 14 hrs. They gave us an hour and a half break between the 1st and 2nd shift. With her only living 5 mins from the job it wasn't a hard ask lol. Sitting around at that job was not fun. I was by this point not feeling nothing towards my partner but friendship. Which was crazy cause a few days later, I went out there seeing if my dad was outside, only to see him outside waiting to pick up his sister. I was talking to him out in the rain for a lil, then i ofc got in the car to continue talking after a while. Sat there running my mouth for long enough that his sister came out. She had this devilishly big smile on her face when she said "oh I did invite you over"

That one trip led to coming over hanging out with her brother specifically, spending a night watching movies in her room, getting friendly with their mom. I started to feel so welcome. Then, I got a lil tipsy annd bumped my head and he pulled me towards him trying to see if I was okay annnd the rest was history. I ended up moving in, with their mother's push and my family pushing me away with how eager they were for me to gtfo. Barely talk to me now that im gone. Unless i reach out ofc. It's been ups, downs, but he somehow was there through all that.

I even got kicked out the house for "hitting" their mother. In reality, by that point, I was paying $250 a month for the room I shared with him, I paid for household supplies, I cleaned. Everything. So after a while, it was a bit tiring getting screamed at for any and every mistake I made. I had threw away pieces of this series x box and she told me take it out her trash and throw it in the outside. I grabbed as much as I could at the time as I had other pieces already in my hand but it wasn't good enough. She said to come get the rest and I was confused. I just said my hands are full and I went to throw the rest away. But me saying my hands were full was a problem. I don't know if I said it in a tone, I was tryna be as calm as I could, but it wasn't good enough.

She started yelling and talking shit, calling me names. All types of stuff. Me and him was just taking it. Not saying a single thing back, like she liked. But he threw his phone at the wall in frustration and I thought it was time to fix it. It wasn't that serious in my eyes. So I came up to her asking why she thought I had an attitude so we can fix it. I didn't have an attitude and even if I did, I still did what she asked with no hesitation. With two trips, I threw the whole box away and ripped it up just like she wanted to make sure it wouldn't take up too much room. But all that was null and void because of how she perceived my voice.

So in my failed attempts to get her to talk to me, she just getting angrier and angrier which made me frustrated. I just stood there asking again and again what did I do to make you think I had an attitude, her getting mad and saying she ain't have to explain herself to me, which I was trying to explain I wasn't trying to make her explain why she was mad I just wanted to know how I wronged you so I CAN FIX IT. And me standing there and her getting angry eventually led her to pointing a finger right in my face which I swatted away. It was reflex really. Was mere inches away from my eye and I never once touched her so why get physical?? I don't know what possessed her to even do that.

And me swatting her hand, was the worst decision ever. The mother started trying to swing at me, the sisters boyfriend that also lived there at that point was trying to hit me and my boyfriend jumped in and pulled me back. I couldn't focus on nothing anymore and the next thing I knew the sisters boyfriend came up to me and pushed me onto the bed. I was so scared I didn't know what he was going to do next and I started freaking out. I couldn't breath I couldn't think. I just felt so scared and helpless. I had to hear the rest after the fact

My boyfriend and his sister's boyfriend both got into a fight, the sister and the mother tried to break up. The mom got pushed down to the floor in the process (which was as I said, happened during the process of a whole fist fight between these grown men. You'll see why I clarify this), my boyfriend picked him up, and somehow someway, the sisters boyfriend went to go grab his gun. A gun that he apparently had at the house. It was an assault riffle

When he did that the whole atmosphere changed. No one was focused on the fight they were focused on him putting the gun up. Then they came to me and that's where my pov comes back. I was there on the bed curled up crying ripping out my hair, and my boyfriend standing over me just angry at everything. He just stood over me crying frustrated trying to get me breathe. Then the sister just stood over me, like I was an alien. I regretted even saying anything. I wondered if I should've just grabbed it all and just let it fall out my hands so she knew I wasn't being funny acting. I started to wonder if I was right to swat her hand or should I have let her touch me first before I did that. All these thoughts made me feel so powerless as none of those decisions should have led to this brawl.

The sisters boyfriend tried to play man of the house and talk shit and the sister just smiled. My boyfriend still hasn't forgiven her for it. He never looks at her the same anymore. It feels like I broke up the family. To. This. Day. The mom kicked me out and my boyfriend said fuck everyone and left with me. He helped me pack everything because the mom was telling me "my fatass needs to hurry up" and "sitting there like shit sweet" and smart comment after smart comment while I'm over there just bawling my eyes out. We went to his dad's house who asked for an explanation but once we explained, he respected that it was a huge blowup, and the dude pulling out a gun was bigger than all this.

Little did we know, the little bit of relief we felt being at his dad's house for the night would be short lived. The mom, sister, and her boyfriend were all going around calling up family to tell their twisted version of events. They said I hit mama and my partner pushed her to the ground. I felt like a mouse. The whole family hated me atp. But we spent a night at the dad's house, explained everything to everyone calling him and just kept on going. The sisters ended up believing us in saying they were kinda shocked to hear I'd hit their mom knowing how I am so they were more mad that they twisted the story and didn't even include the fact this man just pulled out a gun on their brother. We told everything as it happened so it helped our story alot

Anyway, we lived there for a few months, feeling trapped and stupid. His dad's house was filthy and we were working hard to pay rent at his dad's, find and apartment, and save for a deposit fee. We barely could eat because the kitchen was so nasty half the time you didn't know what you were touching. The silverware were half dirty, the fridge handle always had food remnants caked on it, food would be left out overnight and more, dishes there for days. Everything. This is all because his dad is half blind and his fiance works so she expects him to do all the cleaning. His cleaning skills are not the best but I can't fully blame him given his disability.

We were eating off fast food everyday for months because of this. We'd barely eat just because we hid rhe fact we were eating out where we could, so he wouldn't feel offense on why we wouldn't eat his and her food, and we kept it pushing.

We moved out in April annd things have gotten better in a sense. We argue way more but I think that's natural for how much more we get to be around each other. I don't work as long hours and we're in each other's face 24/7. But I get so angry. I don't know why. It's like I hold back so much, just angry talking at first, then he says something that makes me snap. Then, I'm screaming, throwing things, and I try to get away. It feels all instinct, like someone else is taking over. And all I can do is wait til I calm down and apologize for being scary. I don't hurt him. I never will. I've thrown my phone, broken countless bracelets off me, and I've scratched myself over and over trying to make myself focus on something else, but I've never thrown more than a pen directly at him. I feel so guilty everytime I do it. But I be feeling unheard in the moment and I just want it over with. To be left alone again.

But he holds onto me anyway. He sees me for more than just my blowups. He hates it and has asserted he won't take it forever, but he understands Im not used to love upclose. I'm the ex princess pill enjoyer. I went an entire year with an addiction only my sisters noticed. I've lost my two closest friends along with the whole robotics friend group I thought I'd have in an instant. I usually am one disagreement from losing someone, so I hold it in. But now, I have someone to learn to let it out for. Someone to learn to not blowup for. It's just hard.

I'm really trying though. I tried jumping out the car cause I was so mad and he just stopped the car and held me. Even though he was just as mad at me. We were arguing just a second before. Ever since then, that rage scares me. I'm not in control the way i thought I was. I would never jump out a moving fucking vehicle in my life. You can break your arm, scrape the skin right off you, knock yourself out. Anything. But I just felt this trance of I couldn't keep being in this car arguing and I started saying I couldn't do it and just opened the door. I don't know what I was thinking. I really wasn't thinking. But knowing that's a possibility, I just know I have to fix myself.

I've been doing better. I nowadays will just throw my phone and get mad and he'll just leave it instead of continuing like normal. Then once I calm down, we talk about why I got so mad, he explains why he was mad at me in the first place, and we're good. I hope someday I can skip on the rage part entirely but I've been doing better now that I have a moment to collect myself. Plus, I know no matter what argument, til the day he betrays my trust, I will always want him in my life and these petty arguments change nothing. He's shown me time and time again he loves me through everything so I will make sure I love him unconditionally too.

And that's where everything is now. I'm at work typing this now. I'm resisting the urge to impulsively quit. My boss just called me yesterday frustrated I don't pick up morning shifts last second trying to make it like I just don't want to work. I just don't think that's a humane ask. On your day off, would you want to be called awake at 6am to get up and IMMEDIATELY go to work? No. She'd give me a one day notice on morning shifts too and I'd say no, because I didn't want to cut the day short to go to bed for work. And that's a problem here.

I have a second job that's been great but the distance and pay wasn't the best. But they appreciate me, they've tried to fight for better pay, and the were sad I tried this job. Annnd crazily, I came back, did orders for a few days, and they offered me a part time receptionist while doing orders too. Giving me damn near full time hours. Like FINALLYYYY I'm not waiting on random shifts to make my money. I can just come in and do the same work everyday.

It's not confirmed til Monday but, soon as it's confirmed. I'm outttt

Life doesn't get better, it just changes. If anything it gets worse. Seriously. I've wanted to die all the time lately. It's just a new hurt. You can't ever escape it. In a way, it's harder and easier. On the one hand, you have a different type of worth now. Once you move out, youre not just parents burden, you become your own burden. So that constant guilt I used to feel is gone. I don't ask for help no matter what. I even hate gifts from them now. I feel like they use that as their way to have something to say about what I'm doing. But you burdening yourself also stings cause you have to drag yourself to shit you don't want ALLLLLLL THE TIMEEE. Don't want to go to work? Call in sick? Don't have any sick hours? Call in with an emergency. Gotta do what uou gotta do. I'm not proud of it. But even then... you have to be socially aware of everyone's opinion of your actions. Or, you choosing yourself too many times will make you lose a job, get played at your job, or fuck you over come time to pay everything. It's such a big sacrifice to choose yourself now.

That's just true in general when you get out the house. That's what makes it so difficult.. I barely was choosing myself before. But now? There's no one else but you. If you don't go out to make yourself some money, you'll make yourself miserable worrying about food, bills, and keeping a roof over your head. But some days you argue right before work. Some days you want to end it and you don't want to to think about nothing else. But I have to think, if I fail this time, what's gonna happen? If you try it, and you fail, what are you going to do? Are you gonna be able to afford copays on your hospital stay? Are you gonna be able to get back to work if need be? Are you gonna be able to be in others faces right after that happened to you? Is there even going to be a job waiting on you by the time you recover?

I'm more scared of the day I'll attempt now. If I attempt now, I'll fuck over my partner. I wonder how he'd take it. I'd probably break him. Even though I regularly tell him I want to die to this day, he'll never feel the full weight til he sees how serious it gets for me. I don't want to take away his character showing him that. I'll break up and do it before I sneak off and do something like that now. I know that would hurt him still. But even before him, it's just harder on me making that decision.

I'm still open to it though. Thus far, this life shit still sucks. The work life balance is just gone in America. Unless you're making top dollar, buying a house, regularly vacationing, and having money to properly invest in your hobbies, you're just sitting around on you butt/doing chores/getting business handled. You've always had to work for your money but nowadays uou need to hoard this nonexistent extra money just to do anything. It's so dull. I already didn't want to do this and now I'm bored to death half the time. Great!!!1!11!!! (I've developed a tiktok addiction now. It's an instict for me to get on as soon as I'm not doing anything. I can't stand to be bored for one second 😶‍🌫️)

Anywaysss. That's it. I'm alive, I'm the same, but with a boyfriend now. I have the same brain from way back when I was daily posting on here. There's just more stuff chaining me down to this world. If you read all this thank you. I hope you feel seen. I know it's not easy out here

...and to the people that didn't read. Yea. I get it 😅

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.

before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences

before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.

so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.

im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.

and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?

HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.

whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?

though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable

i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out

and now im stuck.

nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money

I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job

but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do

ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere

that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I'm sooo tempted to buy dxm. I feel like I should avoid benadryl for now til i can prove I wont fall into that pitfall again. But at the same point I am so irritated.. I need something.

I wish I could go back to the person that could hold it together on fear and imaginary peer pressure alone. I swear that girl is dead. I hate being in her fucking shoes. It's so suffocating.

I just want to stop thinking again. But I want to be able to function like normal. And thus far, I dissociate and go completely silent when I'm high on weed and when I'm high on dph I get too forgetful and tooo reckless because of it. Plus my conversational skills are neutered a bit. and I shake lmao

Dxm is so far the only thing I know I can get my hands on without getting caught. But I'm scared it'll lead me back to before.

I hate being like this. I don't feel like me rn. Not really depersonalized i think. I feel like I'm just an angry person hiding inside this stupid fucking girl. Playing the roles everyone else expects me to be in. What I kinda HAVE to be in. Once I get back sucked into it I feel like the normal person that I'm living in. But rn.... I feel like she's being annoying and dumb not listening to her instincts. All the things I feel end up being the case. I'm not gonna list em all out. I'm trying to break out that habit. I still regret all the useful info I plagued with my personal drama. But I have a lot of reasoning to feel this way. It's like she lives in lala land and I have to be the one that feels the brunt of the hurt she brings.

I cant even be bothered to cry about it anymore. I don't want to deal with any of it. Dealing with it correctly has done nothing for me. If anything it's made me worse. It's like I put my heart right on my sleeve. I'd rather not feel it for now. When I can deal with it without ruining everything I will but for now if I listen to myself I'd either be dead or a loser. i just need to numb myself so I can get the fundamentals in place for now. I need money and I need school. If I have to drug myself to keep myself stable enough to push through so be it. I can't do it on guilt and shame anymore

I'm gonna buy robotabs dis time. Last few I just got what was cheapest with the most pills. Now I know better. I'll puke em all up if I get capsules again. Them fuckers are poisonous

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances