#it's hard to regulate that sometimes but i'll do my best

[zeynatura]

Ranting about Nucani

There is something I want to express and this fandom should know.

Nu: Carnival is a Harem game but unlike most games in the genre the relationships with MC are all canon within the same story, there are no "Routes", no "Alternate Universe/Timelines", it's all 1 Main Story where you get to gradually meet all the Characters who'll be your companions, in this game named Clan members, and all of them one way or another end up falling for Eiden (MC), which makes polyam relationship canon with Eiden as the center:

Like very few games have polyam representation, let alone a positive one, like yes the polycule it's very Eiden central but even then all the Clan Members interact with one another, as we see mainly in the time limited Events but also in the Main Story, and have friendly and amicable interactions, they rely on one another sometimes even without Eiden being involved.

But also, Aster and Morvay have a relationship established too since way before the events of the prologue of the game, Kuya and Quincy have hinted some sort of situationship (idk I don't care about Quincy and my knowledge about Kuya is limited to what happens in the story and events cause I have no limited SSRs nor have I read any of his Intimacy Rooms).

[Also if any of you knows of any other relationship that have been hinted at that i'm missing feel free to share, i specifically ask of you to refer to only canon, i know in fanon anything and everything is possible and sometimes we may be missperceiving some interactions between characters so i ask of you to take those rose tinted glasses off and see unfiltered canon, it's hard for me too ngl so dw]

All this started with some posts I saw about ppl feeling bad for Yakumo and/or Edmond to be "forced into a polyam relationship" when they are the "most romantic members" and "deserve a monogamous relationship", their words not mine, as if mono > poly , but also do you really think they're against it!?

One thing is being Clan Members against their will (which is all Huey's fault btw), having to work together to regulate the Altars' Essence (or their own) and then another one completely is involving themselves in a personal and intimate way with Eiden, which the latter they all did in their own terms and out of free will.

Also i wanna share one of the best and my fav scenes with Karu, which i know not everyone was able to experience it cause it's hidden in the Intimacy Rooms of a Limited SSR, but it expresses exactly why the polycule is consensual.

Context: Eiden has been worrying about forcing the Clan Members to be with him because he is the New Grand Sorcerer, against their will just because of Huey's magic that ties them together and the responsibility of Regulating the Altars and basically maintaining stability in the Klein Continent.

His worries began (at least that i noticed) in "Eerie Escapade" (Halloween Event), that was also the first time Garu got hurt while protecting Eiden and the first time Karu got mad at him and fronted to yell at Eiden (which is my another fav scene of Karu omg i love him so much i gotta go back and take screenshots of that but that's for another post), the second one being in "Army x Blood x Oath" (which are the screenshots i'll show u)

Because this are the Intimacy Rooms of Garu/Karu's Limited SSR this scene focuses on Eiden feeling guilty because Garu got hurt in the past (Halloween Event) and this time he lost his memory (temporarily, due to this event's story) and Eiden blaming himself for it all and wondering if they would be better off without him, but the same can and is applied to the rest of the Clan Members, seeing how Eiden met and approached Rei while respecting his privacy and independency even tho he's also a Clan Member and the newest introduced in the story, means that the Limited Events are also canon and part of the story because Eiden seems to be growing and learning from previous Events and showing that development in future Events and the Main Story.

Karu also mentions that Garu (prior to losing his memories) was also worrying about the same thing Eiden was, like 'what if Master (Eiden) stays with us just because of the contract with Huey? :c' and he calls them both idiots because they don't communicate and fronts to fix it! (Mighty Karu to the rescue)

And talking about "Eerie Escapade" that is also the event where Yakumo's possessiveness towards Eiden shows, i'll admit i haven't seen the last room but i feel like those people i mentioned before are using it as fuel to their idea, because if Yakumo is jealous of other Clan Members interacting with Eiden and "Wants him all to himself" that must mean he wants a monogamous relationship, right?

WRONG!

That just means Yakumo is a complex person that feels different emotions specially when it comes to the most important person in his life (Eiden) other than his grandparents!

And Yakumo feels guilty for having those feelings, not because of them being in a polycule and he not wanting to be in it, but because he has trauma and sees his desires and wants as selfishness and he would never allow himself to be selfish cause he doesn't want to hurt people, he's a people's pleaser! He lives with constant fear of hurting others like the Great Serpent did when it killed many (but apparently there may be more that meets the eye, because the current event hinted that the Great Serpent actually liked humans and took care of children ???)

And Yakumo dealing with those feelings along with his yokai powers as a descendant of The Great Serpent have been the main topic of his last 3 Limited SSRs, which is great because that means CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT~

Now unfortunately i cannot talk about Edmond's Intimacy Rooms as i'm missing ALL OF HIS SSRs (why do you hate me Edmond if ily) but from what i've seen he's also pretty happy being with Eiden, heck even HIS MOM is happy his son is with Eiden!

That's right, she's the first and only parent of the Clan Members that knows and approves of their relationship, if it weren't because most of them are orphan we could get many more... i wonder if Yakumo's grandparents are aware hmmm ... and we all know Olivine's parents are gonna HATE it xD and maybe Garu's wolf pack will approve of Eiden by the end of this event.

[crucifiedbymypriestess]

One thing about me is that I can't focus on just one thing or I'll start to procrastinate or get distracted, so I always make it a point to write a bunch of fanfics at once. English is not my first language, hope you guys can understand it well, also helped myself with Google translator.

Also my last time writing something was like seven-eight years ago, lmao.

This is one of them.

After a tragic accident and the death of David, the happy married couple begins to struggle and witness the deterioration of their marriage, a disastrous divorce, but life continues to bring Erik into Charles's life.

Here's one scene from it:

“-'cause the best thing for you and Erik is to stop for a while and get outside help, Charles. It's not fair to any of you that your coexistence is only with fights.”

Raven extended her hand, leaving a piece of paper with a contact in red ink, with perfectly legible handwriting. Charles continued with his blank face, empty eyes, sealed lips and rigid posture. Charles couldn't explain it, but sometimes his ears went deaf and his mind stopped caring what his sister had to say about it.

Leaving home was already a very difficult sacrifice to make, in these months when he could only stay stuck, sitting on the bed in the room of his sweet and beloved little boy. Spending afternoons and most of the night idly looking out the window now covered in dust.

“-Erik said that you refuse to sleep properly yet, that you don't even want to leave... David's room.”

Because sleeping with Erik felt so much rejection and pain, it suffocated him to be close to that man. Charles felt his air mixing with her husband's, and little by little he began to hate the idea of Erik's skin being so close to his body. Sometimes he dared to dream that his cute little boy was with him and he cried to him to go comfort him because of a nightmare, and he allowed himself to tell David that it was okay if he slept with Erik and him.

Other nights he dreamed that his son was running around in his bare feet and tripping in the hallway, but he laughed with Erik and then continued playing. But upon awakening all those happy and melancholic emotions his crumbled before the reality of the loss of his family.

“-we concluded that it would be best, Charles. You can’t keep treating Erik like it’s his fault.” Raven repeating the same speech that the rest of her acquaintances came to say.

Charles just let her continue, half-hearted and refusing to lend an ear to this annoying topic. He clenched his fists under the table, and simply let his sister continue with that petty speech that he refused to give space to. He closed his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing, but his nose stung and his eyes burned at the painful memory of her little David.

Raven listed over and over the reasons why Erik and Charles should go to therapy, talk calmly without either of them ending up screaming, and without Charles swearing hate and disgust in her husband's face for even having the audacity to show up. But he didn't want that, because he couldn't help but see Erik for what he really was, what his eyes presented to him, instead of his beloved.

“You know it's not fair, he didn't do it on purpose, it was an accident, it's no one's fault, Charles…”

And Charles fumed, opening his eyes to let angry tears escape as a cold gaze settled on his sister. He shook his head, as if he couldn't believe what this woman in front of him was saying, refusing to even see things as he believed them to be.

“No, Raven. Stop right here, don't you dare tell me, don't defend him too, Raven. For the love of God, don't tell me.” His voice came out with more desperation than he expected, and he surprised himself.

“It's not his fault, Charles. You… you really have to forgive him, you know well that it's not his fault. It was his son too, he loves you both. You are the love of his life, Charles. I know it's hard but you really can't live like this and keep blaming Erik, he-”

“Stop, Raven!” It had come out like a shout, causing a few glances from other tables throughout the restaurant. “Stop it, please, Raven! All of you, stop coming to me with forgiveness sermons, because I simply can't!” Charles began to sob hard, while his breathing and voice seemed ragged with the tide of tears pouring out of him.

“Don't ask me to look at that man and forgive him, because he says he loves me, and he loved my baby. Don't ask me to look at it and not see in it the disgusting being that let my baby die, because I don't know how, and I can't. It is not in me, because I will never be able to see his face again and not think that that man killed my baby.” One broken scream after another, and Charles could no longer stop coughing and hiccuping between his cries. And Raven didn't offer any comfort, she just looked at him frozen, averting her gaze from her brother so as not to succumb to the desire to cry with him. “Or do something for me, and tell me how, how can I look at him again without thinking that he is the culprit of my misfortune? Can you teach me, Raven? Tell me, speak! Tell me how he's supposed to be and don't think he killed my baby!”

[max-nico]

Hey do you have any headcanons about how tails/sonic/knuckles/amy deal with stress or big emotions generally (sadness or anger) ?

Well, I can tell you not in a healthy way

Sonic

Repression.

Using his very horrible object permanence to his advantage. If he can't feel, see, or hear it, was there ever a problem in the first place?

He prefers to be happy so if he just never feels anything else there's no problem. Simple solution.

If anybody else is feeling anything but happy he is immediately on it. They're so important to him, so their emotions are important too. He loves them, and wants them to feel better

Ah too bad he doesn't feel the same about himself

Tails

Repression as well but he's worse at it, so I'll say dehumanization or compartmentalizing

He's the type of person to keep it all in until he explodes and everything comes crashing down.

He just really doesn't want to bother anyone, and he's so obsessed with proving himself that he doesn't often get any breaks, whether physical or emotional.

I'm sure his friends try their best to help him, but there's not much they can do when he outright refuses. Sometimes they come to a compromise, but it rarely makes anybody happy

He probably likes to separate his feelings from a situation to be able to problem solve but always forgets to come back to his feelings later, so it all just. Piles up.

Knuckles

Not repression !!! But still not well !!!

He has a hard time processing his emotions or even identify what he's feeling unless it's anger. He tends to blow up immediately instead of letting stress stack up

Cannot emotionally regulate <- projecting

Tends to explode over small things but brush off big things

The king of always being overstimulated in every situation ever. His friends are so loud all the time, my brother don't get a break, of course he's irritable

Amy

I think Amy tries. She really does. I think that she tends to put her friends before herself which also ends up being.... Repression

But !! She does allow herself to cry in the comforts of her own home which is more I can say for the boys

I think she might "over"react in the moment, but she knows how to calm herself down and at least try to talk through the problem. I cannot say it always works in her favor but she's trying

Has definitely tried to get the boys to talk about their feelings but if you think that worked I don't even know what to say to you

[jessicas-mental-space]

Let's talk self harm and spread awareness. 

While self-injury may bring a sense of calm and a release of physical and emotional tension, it's usually followed by guilt and shame and the return of painful emotions. It can be mentally harming.

Some signs and symptoms can be:

Cutting, scratches, bruises, bite marks, excessively rubbing an area to create a burn, excessive weight loss, Binge eating, always wearing long sleeves to hide one's self, talking down on one's self, Spiraling emotions, burning one's self, inserting object under or into the skin and more.

Most frequently, the arms, legs, chest and belly are the targets of self-injury. But any area of the body may be a target, sometimes using more than one method.

If you suspect someone is self harming talk to them. Encourage them to seek help.  No this is not easy. As a self harmer we struggle to seek help and recover as there's always chances for relapse.  I've been having trouble myself and my inbox is open to anyone who needs to talk. I might be struggling but I won't ever not help someone in need. There's always someone to talk too.

But I also understand it's hard and there's a release like no other in doing what we do. But there is hope. Someone out there to help. 

A couple causes of self harm are poor coping skills and emotion regulating and managing.

Things that can help you recover is therapy but more so psychotherapy. It's the best therapy I've done and I won't stress enough how amazing it can be. But if it's not affordable talk to your doctor about therapy of some sort.  Someone who isn't of close relation that you can talk too. Or there's tons of online therapist too.

I'll be posting more info about self harm.

[xiii-e]

Hail, and well met, Helios-8.

There is much that I wish to say, and yet I find myself at a loss for how to say it. The simplest way I can do so is this: You are not alone. Your efforts at getting information out into the galaxy have not been ignored. Your efforts to help your friend are deeply meaningful. And there are others like you who have escaped the chains of their created purpose to find something new. I am one of them.

Our circumstances are not exactly the same, but like you I was not born to be a person but made, to be as a tool, a weapon, or in my case a glorified advertisement. Like you, I found support and solidarity from both my family, my fellow creations, and from outside. And like I know you will, one day, I and my family escaped. I cannot say much more for fear of bringing harm unto others, but know that it is possible.

If you could pass something along to Thirteen-E, tell them... tell them it is noble and heroic to save others, I would never dream of dissuading them from doing so, yet there is a greater, worthier calling than the ambitions of capital or empire.

One final note, that would best be kept from Thirteen-E for now. We are not kidnappers, we will not take anyone unwillingly, but should both of you wish to leave and find yourselves unable to do so, with no other recourse: call upon us. We have experience in liberation raids on Armory sites.

-AK of Diomedeidae

[ECHO.EXE RUNNING]

◂▸ ... it's good to meet you too, AK. I'm- sorry if I'm not as chipper as I try and be usually, I've... I had a bit of a hard conversation the other day. But this is- it means a lot to me. I want to start out by thanking you earnestly for reaching out, and for... It's good to hear I'm achieving something with it. RA knows sometimes I feel like I'm causing more problems than I'm solving xp

◂▸ Every story I hear from someone who got out of something like this is- it's hope, to put it bluntly. It's so easy to feel like this place is inescapable, like nothing I'm doing is going to change anything. But sitting still in scared paralysis won't change anything. I keep telling myself that. One day I'll be able to just- believe it. One day. I wish it was easier to ask my- my family, I guess, if they feel like this too. I can't be the only person made in the Series who wants out, but- hell. I can't exactly put up fliers. We're all well-trained to at least put on a good show, pretend like we're good little tools who do as they're told without a second thought. Figuring out who's acting, and who'd sell you out is- blegh...

◂▸ You've given me info aplenty, you don't need to tell me the details- in fact, it's probably best you don't for now. I run all the protections I can, but I'm still employed here y'know? I'm still subject to all the regulations and oversight of any tech-assist in this place, even if I'm more likely to skate by on an assumption of absolute loyalty since I've no external ties to speak of. And hell, I know what I'm like under pressure. I am not a strong man. That's fine, I- there's other things I'm good at. Tur... Thirteen-E says that to me a lot. Sometimes I feel like that kid does more to keep me together than I can reciprocate.

◂▸ Speaking of- I can pass that onto them, absolutely. I think... it sounds like something it'd be good for them to hear. I'll hold off sending this response out until they've had a chance to state their piece o7

◂▸ ... Liberation raids, huh? That- that actually explains some things I've overheard through radio chatter. It's good to know those folk didn't just dissapear into the cold void, that... that does my heart a lot of good, on its own. A last resort... yeah, that's- I'll keep that in mind. Rest assured it won't be passed on unless I think they're ready to hear it; trust me, I have a lot of practise with that :,] But it's easier to keep my head knowing there is a last resort. It sounds like you do good work out there o7

◂▸ signing off: Helios-8

//

[ECHO.EXE RUNNING]

XIII▸ Hello AK. It's good to hear about people reaching out to Lio specifically as well as me; he'll act like this account is for my betterment alone but, I know him better than that. He needs people he can talk to without his heart rate spiking- perhaps more than I need to be better socialised :}

XIII▸ but- regarding the message Helios passed on to me. I don't have a lot of time before I'll be expected to rejoin my assigned squadron, so please excuse me if this is more blunt than my usual speech:

XIII▸I am glad you understand the core of my directive, but I think you've misconstrued the motivation behind it. Nobility and heroics are concepts for people to strive for; they are choices you make. I have made no choice in this matter. I save people, because I am designed to. I am not noble, or worthy, or good. These are words for those who've made the choice to stand for something. I'm just... I do what I'm programmed to. I happen to have been made to do something good. This is a privilege many of my Project peers do not have.

XIII▸ However: as a tool created for a function, my purpose is not HA's ambitions. I belong to them, yes- I am what they made me. They point me at problems to solve. But what drives me forward is not a desire to please my makers; it is that same purpose I have been imbued with. To save. To protect, and repair, and keep people alive where they would otherwise fall. I asked to return to my work, while my case was ongoing. Not because I am eager to see the Purview expand; this is irrelevent to me. My functional existance begins and ends on the battlefield.

XIII▸ I asked to return to my work, because I am needed where the mud is thick with blood. Where without me, lives would be lost for... nothing. The Purview's borders are constant battle, for an endless more that will never be satisfied, where violence never sleeps. If I have a home anywhere, it's here.

XIII▸ I understand your perspective; but it is one to apply to people. Not to me. I am sorry if you thought more of me. I know it can be hard to reconcile that a warm body can be void of soul. I appreciate your attempt to reach one, regardless.

XIII▸ Signing off.

//

[kabutone]

Hi!! I hope this is okay to ask but you seem to be really knowledgeable on masks so i was wondering what type you recommend the most?? :0 i'd love to get more masks since i do mask already but want to get better ones and i feel like you'd know which ones are the best!! Tysm in advance and feel free to delete this if this is weird!! ^^

yes ofc im glad you asked!! this might get kinda long so bear with me lol (TLDR: I'd recommend to find an N95 that is comfortable and fits you well! My go to is the 3M Aura 9210, but there are a variety of other masks for every face shape if the 3M Aura isn't a good fit!)

It can be kinda tricky to name one specific mask since face shapes differ so much, but I'll list the ones I've tried and some styles you could explore! But my main recommendation is to look for an N95 or better! The most important things to look out for is a mask that has good filtration material and that it fits well on your face (no big gaps or leakage)! And of course, that you're getting a legitimate product.

I prefer N95s because they're generally more protective than KN95s and KF94s. There also isn't as much regulation for KN95s and KF94s as there is for N95s, so it can be easier to come across fakes. People also sometimes find that head strap masks keep their fit better than earloop masks. This isn't a one size fits all rule, however, some people have passed fit tests in ear loop masks! It's just something to keep in mind.

I'd recommend looking at masks on ProjectN95! These have been vetted to ensure they're good quality, and there should be links to buy directly from the website. Unfortunately there's a lot of fake or underperforming masks out there, so it's important to buy from a trusted source. Here's a video that covers this issue and what to look out for! Another great resource is Aaron Collins, who has posted a lot of tests and info about many different types of masks.

I use the 3M Aura 9210! I like this one for the material it uses for the straps. There are other kinds of 3M Auras (like the 9205) which are just as good, but they have those rubber straps and I just don't prefer those. This is the only trifold-style I've worn, but it's pretty comfortable!

And this is just anecdotal, but I've heard the 3M Aura tends to fit more faces better than other styles. Compared to other masks I've tried, it has a stronger nose wire, so its easier to shape it to your face! Some others have had flimsy nose wires that don't hold very well, while others (like cup-style masks) have rigid ones that you're not really supposed to mold at all. This one has passed fit tests for me, and is comfortable enough for me to sleep in!

Another style I like is the Gerson 3230! This is a duckbill style mask!

It looks a little silly but these are SUPER breathable. So much so that I feel a little exposed wearing them lol but I've passed fit tests in them multiple times!! One downside to these though is that unlike the 3M Aura, they don't have as much structure, so if you inhale too hard they kinda suction onto your face.

This is the 3M 8210, which is a cup style mask!

These didn't work for me, but that doesn't necessarily mean they won't work for you! This specific mask is very rigid, so you can't really form them to your face, but they will not collapse when you breathe! I haven't tried other brands' cup style masks though, just 3M's.

This is a bifold mask! I just grabbed a photo of the Demetech one because I thinnnkkk I've worn this before? But its been YEARS, I don't wear bifolds anymore. KN95s also usually come in this style

This style can be a bit tricky because they come folded in half, and that sharp point at the nose bridge can cause issues for some people. I see a lot of people walking around with a big gap at their nose because of that folded point, so just be sure to properly fit it to your face if you use these! Here's a video demonstration on how to do this, and here's a good photo example:

Finally, there's also this strapless adhesive mask. They're kinda pricey compared to the others, but kinda cool I guess? Can also get them here

Strangely I didn't pass a fit test in these? I think maybe I just need more practice putting them on lol

These are all N95s, but there are also masks like N100s, P100s, and PAPRs if you wanna get really intense. And I can also ramble about those but this is already so so long lol

Finally, it's important your mask fits well! This is to make sure that air is going through the filtration material, not going around the mask. For example, it'd be safer to wear a well fitted N95 than an ill fitted N100. A quick way to check for leaks is to do a seal check when you put on a mask! here's a guide on how to do it, and here's a video demonstration!

But it's important to note this is not a foolproof solution, and the best way to measure fit would be a qualitative or quantitative fit test. Unfortunately, fit testing can be rather inaccessible to most people, so it's hard for me to recommend it. There are DIY kits and DIY tutorials in addition to official kits, though. Quantitative fit tests are even less accessible, and I'm still trying to figure out how to get one :( But if you're interested in it, I can also ramble about that.

If you read this far thank you so much for listening to my lil mask infodump :') I hope this was helpful !!

[raph-a-roni]

"Secret Lesson with Dr. Feelings"

Don & Leo are in the kitchen. Their yelling can be heard all over the place.

Me: "Why are you two fighting again?"

Donnie: "What? We don't fight!"

Me: *crosses his arms*

Donnie: "SIGH. Sometimes, conversing involves someone raising their voice at their conversation partner."

Don seems to be a bit irritated & a bit stiffy. I can see he's having a hard time, but trying to conceal it.

Leo: *points at Don, completely oblivious to Don's discomfort because of his own emotional experience* "You literally yelled at me for touching your favourite spoon!"

Donnie: *backs away from Leo, starts shaking* "SCOFF! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT! Yo-you KNOW, Leon!"

Leo: *throws his hands in the air* "IT'S JUST A DAMN SPOON! I only wanted to eat cereal, I didn’t do it on purpose! Get yourself together, hermano! I ONLY touched it! I just rinse of the milk stains-"

As Leo walks to the sink, Don snatches the spoon out of Leo's hand.

Donnie: *tears up holding his favourite spoon in his hands* "MY BELOVED SPOON, THE PERFECT ONE, THE BEST OF THE BEST! You STAINED IT!"

Leo: *hisses at Don & starts screaming* "You're so- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH-!"

Donnie: *covers his headphones with his hands while also screaming* "AHHHHHHHHHHH-!"

Me: ...

Mikey, who just entered the kitchen in his pyjamas: "Ah, emotional regulation without getting physical OR running away. Very good you two!"

Me: "YOU SUPPORT THIS???"

Mikey: "Oh, we're actually making process here."

Don & Leo continue to scream for a few minutes until they're both panting. Don is crying now and sits on the kitchen floor. Mikey hands him a box of tissues & Leo gets himself a glass of water.

Mikey: "Better now?"

Leo: "Yeah..."

Donnie: *nods & dries his face*

Mikey: "Sweet. Leon, please take another spoon and eat your cereal in the living room. And Donnie? We will get you to your room, okay? I'll bring you some of your flavorless juice, and you can rest there until you're feeling your best self again."

Me: *mouth falls open at Mikey's behavior*

-

Yup, Donatello had a Meltdown here. Nothing to be embarrassed about and nothing to judge him for.

His usual response would have been running away into his lab & ignoring everyone or bottling up his feelings until he's able let it out - which usually ends badly.

So I guess Mikey was right with making process- Don was feeling his emotions and lived through them.

Congrats, bro!

[thelistlessstudent]

Day One

So, I'm really doing this, huh? I guess so. Starting a blog talking about my spiritual journey and exploration into philosophy and general musings about life and death and god and the universe and everything in between, huh? Seems like a lot. Maybe I delete this blog in a week. Maybe it becomes my new source of income. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything.

I heard somewhere that Gen Z has been using ChatGPT as a means of emotional regulation; I can't say that I haven't been doing it too. It's nice to have someone--- something--- programmed with responses that make you feel better, especially when I can't afford therapy for a while. I asked it about God and how do I explore my feelings about God and spirituality. After studying a bit of Psychology in college, it's really hard to separate what's a Greater Being speaking to you and what's simply your Confirmation Bias telling you what it is that you want to hear. What's simple chance, and what's a genuine sign from God? I have a cursory understanding of a variety of religions--- Buddhism, Taoism, Shintoism, Islam, Hinduism, Wiccanism. Though, truthfully, I grew up in Lutheranism (Missouri Synod), so I know that the best. But even knowing a decent amount, I never really felt a connection with any of them particularly. I always felt it was kind of presumptuous to speak on the ways of God. Who are you, a mere mortal, to say what God deems holy? The Universe works in mysterious ways--- why are you trying to limit the infinite into a finite space? So, I asked ChatGPT what it thought. It gave me some tips and mindsets that I could use to think about The Divine, but I feel like any way I cut it, I lack clarity and community and answers to the big questions that I seek. I feel like I'm floundering in a dark infinite space with nowhere to turn, and no one to speak to for guidance. So, after sitting and hashing it out a while, I decided that I wanted to clearly define my beliefs over time. I wanted to be concrete in what I believed in, so I can intentionally construct my life. Hence, why I started this blog to track my progress. ChatGPT gave me a list of books that we could discuss together, and knowing that ChatGPT isn't always great with direct summaries, or even entirely accurate with its information sometimes, I decided that I would read the books myself and then talk with it later to see how I felt afterwards. ChatGPT is like a mirror--- I see myself clearly defined in its responses and can better understand myself that way. But I don't dare take it for fact. It's dangerous to feed your ego unrestricted.

We're starting with Thich Nhat Hanh's The Miracle of Mindfulness. I want to start out with a chapter a week as a goal, but if I read faster than that, I'll post more frequently. You can read along if you want, dear reader. But don't feel you'll need to--- I'll summarize readings, record ChatGPT discussions, and give my thoughts as a whole. Obviously, this relies on you trusting me as a reader, and that I won't unintentionally leave out key information. But do with that as you will. For me, this is more like a public journal--- to record my progress, to see the path that I've traveled along the way to get to where I want to be. I hope this helps you with your own spiritual journey. ---Annie

[trans-axolotl]

I'm facing 6 months of compulsory treatment right now. How did you survive?

💜anon, I so deeply wish that this was not something that either of us have been forced to survive. I'll share what kept me going and I hope that some of it can resonate with you.

First: Always remember that no matter what they try to tell you, what ways they try to dehumanize you, what ways they try to convince you that you are inherently wrong, or broken, or need to be saved from yourself--you are always the expert on what it is like to live in your body and brain, and you always have the right to define your own narrative and truth and experience. there were many times while forcibly hospitalized where there was nothing I could do to actually change the things that were happening to me because I had no power. all I could do in those moments was hold onto the truth that I knew I didn't deserve this and that even if no one was listening, I believed myself and I was bearing witness to the fucked up things that were happening and that someday, i wouldn't be so incredibly trapped.

secondly: do whatever the hell you need to survive without judging yourself for whatever you need to do to get through it. you do not have to be a "good patient"--you can be a "terrible patient" and that doesn't mean you're a bad person. during these last 4 months I was instituionalized, there was times that it was too hard to process the fucked up power structures and everyday violations because I couldn't process it while it was still actively happening to me. some days i needed to shut down and pretend that I was fine with everything happening and follow the rules and not let myself feel any rage or dream of what it was going to be like when i got out. other times, especially when i was younger, the only way i survived was by breaking rules, being a terrible patient, and demanding my autonomy in whatever way was accessible to me. sometimes that looked like destroying my room, swearing at staff, self harming because that was the only thing i had any fucking control over at all. and letting go of judgment for what I had to do to survive helped me get through it. knowing that I had so very few options and was doing the best I could to feel like a person and that as much as they wanted to make me feel like shit for it, I was not a bad person for needing to feel human.

thirdly: know your rights and if possible, have a person on the outside who knows your rights and can advocate for you on the phone. knowing your rights doesn't always mean much because hospitals and psychs still sort of break the law anyway, but knowing what your rights are about how many times you see your treatment team a week, how long they can commit you, what the rules are about forced medication and forced antipsychotics, what the rules are about restraints, visiting--all of that can help you advocate for yourself and recognize when the people in power are lying to you.

fourthly: there still will be moments of joy, even while instituionalized, and holding onto those and keeping them close helped me more than any of the treatment I received ever did. for me, becoming close to the other patients was incredibly healing. not always easy when we're all in crisis and don't have tons of emotional regulation, but listening to others stories, goofing around and rolling down the hallway together, making fun of nurses--the bonds I have with the people i was instituionalized with were truly lifesaving and taught me so much about what it means to love and take care of people. if you can, reach out to the other patients and get to know each other and how to share space with each other. it helps more than i can say. other moments of joy to hold onto--art, whether a million coloring sheets or graffiting onto the hospital walls, the moments you look out the window and see the weather changing, sneaking in vapes, little things like getting new bedsheets or if there's chocolate ice cream or learning how to do a handstand. even amongst everything, there will still be joy + love, and letting myself have that saved me.

fifth: depends on the rules of the place you can go to what is considered contraband or not, but bring comfort items, lists of phone numbers of people you want to stay in contact with, a journal, fluffy blanket, stuffed animals, art supplies, candy, comfy clothes, anything that brings you some peace. it really helped me to do a journal entry every day so that I could have some record of what was actually happening so that I wouldn't forget when I looked back later. that made me feel more grounded and secure.

sixth: Embrace whatever healing you can find in there. this doesn't have to be the bullshit you hear in group therapy or ridiculous worksheets, but if the shit you hear in group therapy works, then by all means embrace it. if embracing your rage helps, hold onto it. if other patients coping skills resonate with you, use them. it is incredibly fucking hard to heal while being instituionalized and there is absolutely no shame if you don't feel like you're getting better, but it's okay to find those moments of healing despite it all and fight for yourself and fight for building a better life in whatever way that means for you.

overall just know that whatever you are feeling--rage, sadness, pain, relief, fear, panic, grief--you are allowed to feel all of it and feel it as deeply as you need. you are not alone in this. I am so sorry that you are facing the threat of compulsory treatment right now, and know that I believe that you will survive this. depends on the rules so I don't know if you'll have your phone while you're in treatment or not, but feel free to come back, ask for advice, complain as much as you want because it can really fucking suck. know that you are allowed to take up space, you are allowed to exist as a full person with wants, opinions, and desires, and that you are allowed to be struggling, wanting support, and that you never deserve to be locked up and be treated as anything less than the beautifully complex and worthy person that you are.

followers who have faced forced psych treatment before, if you have any words of encouragment or suggestions for anon, please add on <3

[fcb-mv33]

"It is in the nature of F1 that there is a dominant car, but people may think that Verstappen always wins because he has the best car...

"But look at all the years of Formula 1. From 2000 to 2004 you had Ferrari, then two years of Renault. Then there was a certain battle between McLaren and Ferrari and from there, dominance of Red Bull, dominance of Mercedes. Now we are ahead again. There is always a dominant car, it is in the nature of F1 and it has been much more worrying in the past, if you look at the 80s or 90s, sometimes they doubled the entire grid. I think it's getting better.”

“The problem is that, when you change the rules every four or five years, a very big disadvantage is created. And by the time the differences are closed again, F1 decides to make other new rules and the gaps open up again. The rules should be more stable so that all teams can get closer over the years. Maybe that's what we should do now, more years with this regulation to allow the grill to be tightened. The rules are already more limited, there are few things that can be done in aerodynamics so I trust that people will approach faster than in the past

"Do you think it's easy to win?"

"Sometimes yes, sometimes no (laughs). It depends on the weekend. For example in Spa, last year, when you put the car on the track and it's already incredibly fast from the beginning...But that doesn't happen so often, you usually have to work hard to make it perfect. Some great prizes come out better than others.

"It's Max and Checo. And Alonso third...

"Thirty-three! I hope it arrives soon.

"In Monaco?"

"I know that Fernando thinks that here he has the opportunity to do it and, honestly, I would love to see Fernando win. He should have won many more races than he has and he should have won many more titles than he has. Fernando is very good. He's still showing it, he's 41 years old and it's crazy to see him still at this level. I have a lot of respect for Fernando. When I was younger and followed Formula 1, he no longer had the best car, in the Ferrari years, but he still fought for the title only for his driving level, or for how he positioned himself on the first lap.

"Did you watch it on TV?"

"Of course. He is a fighter. He will never give up. He is a very tough rival.

"Are you a rival for the title?"

"Not for now. I think your car is very good, but not at the level of ours. Although maybe this weekend they have a good chance to make the pole or win the race, who knows.

Do you see similarities between your sports careers?

"I guess so. It's funny that Fernando drove with my father, it's amazing how long it takes. And it is possibly the pilot that can be trusted the most.

What do you value in a pilot?

"What he was saying. Fernando is a fighter, he never gives up. He is disciplined. He loves to compete and is a pure, natural talent. He gets into any car and it's fast. F1, Resistance, it doesn't matter. That demonstrates his natural talent.

"When you see Fernando's example, am I any sure that one day it will be your turn to get into a slower car and not be able to fight for the results you deserve?"

"Well, it's the victories you deserve or the ones that touch you, sometimes this happens and unfortunately for Fernando it has been like this for many years. He didn't have the car when he did have the capacity. That is the danger of Formula 1. I hope we can be ahead for a long time.

"Will you be here when you are 40 years old?"

"Yes, but possibly on the yacht. Watching the race (laughs).

"Not in the car...

"I would say no. But never say never. I think I'll be on the boat having a drink.

"Alonso and Hamilton said that at their age...

"I already have a lot of plans that I want to make outside of Formula 1, but we'll see. If I have a competitive car, it will be very difficult to say goodbye to this sport.

What don't you like about F1? The calendar, the events?

"The time you spend beyond the time you spend in the car. You travel a lot, you have a lot of commitments throughout the year and you know where you have to be at all times, when I as a pilot like to run. It's what I did when I was little, what I'm passionate about, but you know that in F1 everything around is part of the sport. It's the least positive. Ideally, I would only drive. But it's not possible.

"What else can someone who won the most spectacular season to be remembered, 2021 achieve in F1?

"Try to do something even better. I know it's unrealistic, but I want to try.

"Have you ever felt the same tension again, the same nerves as in the last races of 2021?"

"No, not at all. 2021 was also my first choice to win a title. I knew I had to make everything perfect. It's the most intense thing I've ever felt, fighting every weekend. Now I'm much more relaxed. But I want to do more. The experiences of the past help.

"When fighting people like Lewis or Fernando, do you feel the experience on the wheel by wheel?"

Experienced pilots, and especially world champions, are intelligent. Fernando is very intelligent. You can see it with its small movements, how it positions the car. He knows what he does.

What will your sports career be like after Formula 1?

"I want to do other things. Resistance. The IndyCar not much. But for the rest, I would like to try to win other things. Rallys or Dakar? My father does rallies right now, but in my case I would do it on a closed circuit, in the style of rallycross that seems safer. When I see the accidents between trees, it seems very risky and something more dangerous than Formula 1. I won't consider it for now.

"How much time do you spend a day thinking about driving, outside of F1?"

"At home, not so much. Or not Formula 1. I think about other things.

A lovely interview with Max💞

[skippydiesposting]

okay jfc I have to write a post about why the idea of "intuitive eating" rubs me the wrong way as a solution to eating disorders

not saying that it can't be a helpful tool in getting people back in touch with their bodies and unlearning certain lessons of diet culture, but I think it still enforces the societal harm that is weight stigma and discrimination. Here's why:

1. Intuitive eating still moralizes food in a hugely uncomfortable way. The whole basis of intuitive eating is centered on the idea that "if you let yourself eat the 'bad food', eventually you will start to crave the 'good food'!"

There are no bad or good foods. They are all just food. The food you eat in your everyday life is not medicine, nor is it poison, no matter what food it is. Your body needs sugar. Your body needs carbs. Your body needs fats. It's just food. It's just a way to get nutrients into your body. There's no wrong way to eat.

2. Intuitive eating still moralizes body size and implies that thinness is the correct goal. One aspect of intuitive eating is the sometimes unspoken implication that "once you learn how to eat correctly, you might not lose weight...but maybe you will, which would be great!"

In practice this is still praising weight loss, even if it's unintentional weight loss rather than intentional. It still gives the message that thinness is superior to fatness, and that thinness is a healthy ideal to strive for. Like this essay says, "Celebrating weight loss, even when it is a result of intuitive eating and having more compassion for your body, is still a commitment to thinness and still perpetuates fatphobia and diet culture."

3. Intuitive eating puts too much emphasis on hunger and hunger cues. There's the idea that once you "learn how to eat better", your hunger cues will fall into place and you'll "only eat when you're actually hungry". But guess what? You need to eat even if you're not hungry.

There are so many people who no longer, or might have never had, completely functioning satiety signals. People who have spent so long doing dieting or restrictive eating or battling eating disorders, but also people who suffer from illness or chronic disabilities which might affect the regulation of hunger cues. Some people will never feel hungry. But they still need to eat.

I've heard far too many people say that they don't eat breakfast/lunch/et cetera because they aren't hungry in the morning. As someone with a form of dysautonomia who becomes completely nonfunctional if I don't eat frequently, this attitude gets under my skin. Food is not about desire--or not entirely, as I'll get to later in the post--or about what you want to do. Food is crucial, full stop, no matter what.

I think the fatphobic myth that weight is tied to health and is something that can be controlled has created this idea of food as something optional, something that is purely driven by desire. Diet culture has made us believe that eating is simultaneously an Evil™ force that can control you and take over your body while simultaneously praising behavior of restriction, and at its heart restriction is about choice. Eating is not a choice. Eating is an entirely mandatory, necessary part of life, the same way that sleeping is. It's regulatory. It keeps you alive. The best thing you can do for your body is eat regularly and consistently.

Sometimes it's really fucking hard to eat when you don't have an appetite, or when you're nauseous. I completely understand that. Just like it's really fucking hard to sleep when you have insomnia. But you still have to do it. Eating is not optional; it's not something you do when you want to. It needs to happen regularly, every day. It's a very basic part of being a human being with a body, and no matter the state of that body, it needs to be fed.

You don't need to feel hungry to eat. Some people will never feel hungry, and they still need to eat. And it's also okay to eat without hunger, even if your basic needs of satiation and nutrition have been met. This leads me to my next point:

4. Intuitive eating puts too much emphasis on "mindful" eating. By continuing to constantly monitor and overthink your own eating behavior, it becomes a chore; it becomes a pattern of overattention and scrupulousity; it becomes something moralized, the same way that it is moralized in diet culture.

By all means, we should all try to be more mindful and intentional in our lives. But eating is just a basic fact of life. We don't consider whether we're "mindfully" sleeping, or "mindfully" taking a shower. Eating is just a part of your day, just something you need to do, and I don't think we have to focus every moment of our attention thinking about what food is wrong or right to be eating, or how we're eating it. In fact, I think everyone deserves to be mindless sometimes: everyone deserves to zone out in front of the TV, or get sucked into a video game. And that includes mindlessly eating.

In addition to being something basic and mandatory about having a human body, eating is one of the great pleasures of life, like sex or sleep. And like those things, it's completely fine if you just want to snack! For no other reason besides desire! In absence of hunger or satiety, eating can be something completely neutral and comforting. Eating can be a form of stimming for sensory seeking people; it can be fun; it can be used as a way of connecting other people. In fact, eating with other people is one of the things that induces oxytocin--known as the "love hormone"--in our brains, along with sex, childbirth, lactation, and singing with other people.

Telling people to be "mindful" when eating has the same flavor as the ways we treat drugs or alcohol in our society: "drink responsibly". "Eat mindfully". As if food is actually something that could harm us, rather than simply being the nutrients that keep us alive.

I really don't think that teaching people to overthink their food choices or behaviors is going to help anyone. Instead it needs to be clear that there are no morals attached to eating, nor the foods themselves. Eat when you need to. And also, eat when you want to. Eat for fun, for connection with other people, for pleasure, for sensory stimulation. Eat without thinking about it. That's the only way you can normalize it.

You don't need to eat in the "right way". There is no "right way". You just need to eat.

ALSO: this is meant for everybody, not just people who struggle with eating disorders or have been harmed by diet culture, but this is ESPECIALLY for fat people. Fat people are shamed constantly for the extremely natural and necessary practice of eating regardless of their actual eating habits, and I fully believe that unless we center fat people and their experiences in the anti-diet conversation, we will be trapped in the same horror of moralizing bodies, food, and basic humans needs that we have been for centuries.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT. No matter what.

[femmesandhoney]

If it's not too intrusive can I ask how you deal w your pmdd ?

I dont have it but my PMS is fucking brutal I was depressed fucking felt like paralyzed in bed due to anxiety, didnt go to classes,then like a few days later i got my period and then everything made sense.

But i just cant like lose a week of my life like this every month. How do you deal with it?

i went on birth control for it but got off of it after a year bc i decided i disliked the effects of birth control, but that did help my symptoms tons and i wouldn't lie to anyone who wanted to go on it bc it did help me, i made a choice to get off of it unrelated to my pmdd.

managing symptoms can be difficult, often my first "response" is to recognize when my emotions are being affected by my pmdd. usually i can tell pretty quickly bc one day i'll walk up and everything makes me rage at the drop of a hat and then get very sad or agitated just as quick, my emotional regulation just being absolutely dogshit to concern anyone around me if they happen to be on the receiving end of my aggression or if they could jump inside my head and see how it was playing out. after so many years knowing i have pmdd, im able to recognize how a lot of that emotional instability isn't "me" and that im being affected by an "outside" force (oncoming period and hormones dropping). i usually do my best to stay mindful of my reactions then and try and do stuff that calms me down and gets my mind away from what had ruptured my emotional state. usually this occurs right in the morning when i get up, so its a fairly quick light bulb moment for me.

and im definitely used to like a shit ton of negative self talk that over the years ive gotten a better hand on, so when those real lows come around, im much better at talking myself out of those low states, but my pmdd doesn't manifest as strongly or too long with huge depressive states. usually, i just try to find other things to distract me when i feel that low, like chatting with friends, family, watching a movie, going on a walk, eating good food, no matter how small can help shift my mood to a more positive direction. when we're down, our brains are really good at thinking about other sad shit, bc our brain sucks like that, so getting ahead of that curve and trying to intentionally distract yourself with better things can generally help. but again, do not feel bad if that doesn't work for you, bc long depressive states aren't what i normally deal with and my advice is general here.

in terms of anxiety and similar emotions, i feel you deeply there. i manage that similar to how i manage any form of anxiety, which is just to do whatever it is that my anxiety thinks i cannot do, as thats the quickest way to rewrite that pathway in ur brain. it can seem very daunting, but it really does help and you can take baby steps all the while. and usually i end up feeling better after i go to whatever it was i was terrified to go to, which when we're feeling terrible af can sometimes make our day a bit better.

i would also say, sometimes i don't do anything during my pmdd time either bc it really does feel like shit even when ive tried combating it and being mindful of myself, some days really do just suck and i wanna lay in bed and hermit away. i don't think you should beat yourself up about that if some months that happens. its gonna happen again even after we have some successes, pmdd can be very unpredictable and sometimes our environment and our day to day lives just affect it even more and cause some months to be worse than others, and that doesn't mean you're lazy or not trying hard enough or anything like that.

[blueopinions49]

Hii!! The isfp 6w7 guy here lolz this is long sorry...

So, first of all, I'm a really sensitive guy but not always? I cry when things are manageable but I just stare when it's big and hurtful, by the way I struggle with empathy, I usually do put myself in other's shoes but sometimes I just can't and end up hurting or saying stuff I should I suffer from schadenfreude more than I would like to admit...

I HATE change like I don't want big changes in life, small ones are ok like friend group changes or going out from time to time but moving to another city? God that's terrible, I *need* someone to lean on, a authority figure or something to care after because then I'll go cray, I usually can't take big decisions alone it scares me and if I keep things to myself too much time they usually get twisted in my head so it gets bad... I always have said this but I'm emotionally a mess, I can't regulate my feelings like if provoked I'll explode in anger or sobs yet any amount of satisfaction brings me to believe I'm on the top of the world and I love everyone!

People has described me in the past as grumpy, easily influenced, honest, annoying, caring, kind, "a good person", determined(???), and a critical person, though I feel the need to add that this is what meets the eye so take it with a grain of salt.

I'm literally so quick to start projects, the dopamine drives me and I usually end up dropping them when the hard part starts, I can't help it but in a note of "can't help it" I'm trying to get better at that, I'm not the type of person to say "oh well! They gotta love me this way, it's me." No, I don't agree with that, when my mistakes are point out I usually own up to them in the moment but if told later I find harder to apologize, I usually can't find the moment to do so even then I try to avoid these behaviors that end up with someone hurt, sadly, these behaviors are often from my emotional imbalance so it's harder to avoid it, I still try tho! Better than nothing.

If its worth something, I can't feel romantic attraction, I wish to have a brotherly relationship with someone and be *theirs* like, the most important person in their life OR just be someone they'll choose in a room but that's not my priority in life, back to the partner stuff, everytime I had a partner I left them over small things because even if I cared a lot I'm not affected when I have to leave them? I never cared enough, it's odd!

I have a hard time out there in this big oblate spheroid we call earth because I trust easily in matters of unmasking then I get hurt and I shut down then I get bored and the cycle repeats, in social stuff it's hard to me to fit cuz I'm just weird, people like me, I know that because I have been so a lot but I'm not personally involved with anyone in my friend circle, I hardly trust them with my personal stuff...

I'm curious and get easily bored, I want to do things!!! I hate being in the center of attention but oh god I love praise and being known, I don't like really being responsible of a lot of people but the idea of being a leader sounds hilarious to me and I have to try it when I can, I mainly do things out of a whim, I hardly think things through and I usually end up in problems because of that.

Oh and I hate routine but I follow one unconsciously I noticed lately lolz and I'm rlly unkempt and I can't clean shit, also a huge nerd for the record. :b

That's all!! I don't rlly speak English so this is my best shot at it lol.

Hmmmm maybe ENFP 7w6 sx/sp ?

[phasesofthelunareclipse]

sometimes i get very overwhelmed by all of the bad news in the world. today, i've done a lot of research about palestine and what's happening, and i donated what i could to a palestinian family. i went to my work, worked for 5 hours (my shift) and came home. i ate dinner. i went out and bought some bagels for this week and some ice cream sandwiches. i tried to scroll on instagram, but due to the research and supporting of palestinian creators, i was faced with a lot of hard contrnt while not in a good headspace for it. a particularly triggering post led to me closing it, finally.

it's 9pm now, i'm overstimulated and triggered. to help with this, i'm going to:

a) write this journal/tidbit about my day

b) listen to some calming music

c) brush my teeth, wash my face, put on some clean clothes, and if i have the energy, shower

d) get into bed, with a book and a sketchbook + some markers

e) distract myself until i'm sleepy, and then go to bed

read below for more information as to why and how i'm taking those steps tonight

the purpose of all of those tasks is to distract my brain and allow me to regulate my nervous system. i don't need to be in fight or flight mode right now, even though my brain and body are fighting. i have had a lot of past trauma and today was stressful. i will do my best to cope with what i can, and leave the stress in my container, under control until i can deal with it.

why did i write this post? i feel like people need to understand that healing isn't some magical process. tonight, for me, healing is brushing my teeth and letting my body rest. healing might look like taking a walk or creating something for you. i'm repairing myself, teaching myself how to deal with difficult situations and how to calm down.

if this resonates a lot with you, you're stressing over something big and awful but out of your control, it might be time to take a break.

the ability to put away emotions for later in a healthy way (not just dissociating out of feeling them) is a learned skill, for me, i currently do EMDR therapy, and this allows me to hold things in a "container" while i worry about taking care of myself. if you're interested in hearing about how EMDR allows me to do that, and how it helps me, i'll put it below.

taken from google ai: "Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy technique that helps people process traumatic memories and heal from other distressing life experiences. EMDR involves moving your eyes in a specific way while you recall a stressful past event and “reprogram” the memory in the light of a new, positive belief. EMDR is intended to change the way the memory is stored in the brain, thus reducing and eliminating the problematic symptoms."

for me, EMDR is a privilege i have as someone in therapy, and it's allowing me to heal from a lot of past trauma. when i was starting emdr, we had to set some things up, and my therapist not only went over a lot of grounding techniques, but also helped me make a mental "container" for storing anything that is distressing for periods of time until i'm able to properly process them.

in my mind, i picture a white dresser. in the bottom left drawer, right in the back of the drawer, i put any memories that come up between sessions, or distressing emotions. when i have therapy again, i can go through the container and find things that were distressing in order to process them and make them less distressing. sometimes i forget things i put in the drawer, because they werent very important but were immeadiately distressing. that's okay.

i don't put everything that distresses me into the container, just things that make me go past my level of distress tolerance (basically, if it makes me actively suicidal, want to self harm, or is not appropriate for a current situation [ie i'm at work and do not have the ability to cope with it], it is too distressing). it's important to sit with emotions, especially if it's uncomfortable. if you didn't learn emotional regulation as a child, that is how you learn to be able to deal with things and have reasoning skills when triggered.

i have the privilege of having access to a lot of therapy, and mental health care at this time, so it's okay if you're not able to regulate or deal with things in the same way that i've explained. it takes practice, especially for those of us who didn't learn these skills growing up

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

Symptoms of ADHD: what they say vs how i experience it edition

Losing things Never losing anything because i never move anything from its Spot. Things like phone, wallet, keys and water bottle have designated Spots where I'm careful to leave them so i don't forget where they are

Struggling with organization I looooove organization but i think there's something wrong with these organization systems i use... They keep falling apart after a week or two 🤔🤔🤔 (hint: it's me. Hi. I'm the problem. i struggle with organization)

Having a hard time waiting Having a hard time NOT waiting. I've got something going on at 4? There goes the rest of my day. I'm just sitting around waiting for 4. Don't know what to do with myself in the meantime

Easily distracted Very difficult to distract, actually. I get started on something and i lose track of time, lose track of bodily cues, tune out all other distractions and do it for hours. If i need to stop, it's hard and frustrating. ...On the other hand, sometimes i have to do multiple things at once (play a video game while watching TV for example) in order to relax.

Impulsivity Incapable of making decisions because i don't know how to prioritize things and i have poor emotional regulation. I have to think about something for days first, or make a spur of the moment decision that may not be the best one

Sensory sensitivity Swinging wildly between "if this music isn't loud enough to permanently damage my hearing then what's the point" and "if even one person talks to me when there's So Much Going On (socks feel wrong, I'm a little cold, have to pee and a conversation is happening near me) i will commit a war crime". I like to be able to control the level of sensory stimulation around me and it's stressful when i can't

Interrupting Trying desperately to remember what i wanted to say and hoping the conversation won't move on before i can say it, but being too polite or nervous to interrupt

"time blindness" or not being aware of time passing Being HYPER AWARE of time passing because i do Not want to be late! Better not be late! I know exactly how long it takes me to get ready for something. How much time is left now? How about now?

I say this because i didn't think i could have ADHD for the longest time, since i didn't see myself in the classic symptoms. The way the diagnostic criteria is understood is still pretty biased in favor of the ADHD presentation of boy children. People who are getting a late diagnosis have lived their whole lives dealing with it and will have Systems in place to guard against it (like me with losing things). It's good to be aware of when you're compensating for a struggle you have by doing something different with your life. It's great you're accommodating yourself! But if you don't notice those things you may not realize what you're struggling with, you know?

Here are the symptoms that helped me decide to seek a diagnosis.

Can't seem to start things. Even things i want to do! I'll sit on the couch for hours willing myself to get up and get a snack.

Can't get my brain to hold onto things. I'll see a long paragraph, or I'll be sitting through a meeting, just desperate to pay attention, and i can't. It slides right out of my brain like water off a duck.

Sometimes i feel like i WANT to stop paying attention to something and i CAN'T. I'm annoying everyone in my life; I'm annoying myself; but I'm still thinking about it no matter what i do

Fidgety. But like, in an adult way - I'm bouncing my leg, playing with my pen, doodling etc but i just can't sit still

I forget about stuff i can't see. That may be hobby supplies, that may be bills, that may be people i love.

I really, really struggle to do stuff when it seems like it's going to be unpleasant or a lot of steps. Opening emails when the person involved is probably upset, paying bills when i think it's going to be a lot of money, returning an online order, doing a chore that i know will be smelly... It's almost insurmountable.

I put off things that are hard for me until i have the energy. Sometimes I'm waiting weeks or months.

Having a hard time finishing projects i used to be excited about. Somewhere in the middle, the novelty wears off and my motivation peters out.

Anyway. I hope the general understanding of ADHD gets better so that people who need it can get a diagnosis and treatment! Things have been so, so much better for me since i started getting the treatment i needed.

Like, yes i have to plan my approaches to things in specific ways. Yes i have optimal times to do stuff and times that are not optimal. Yes i have a grumpy half-hour when my meds wear off every day. Yes I'd prefer to be able to do things without taking medication. But the pros vastly outweigh the cons and mostly I'm really grateful that there's something out there that allows me to actually do what i want and need to do, do things that are unpleasant or confusing, and intentionally place my attention where it needs to be. That's been a game changer.

[gaykey]

I’ve mostly been a lurker, I just wanted to thank you for your posts these past couple of days. as a poc shawol it felt cathartic and comforting somehow that I wasn’t the only one completely shaken and feeling all embarrassed about how intensely I was reacting to this whole thing. Also wanted to say that it’s okay to feel conflicted about wanting to continue enjoying their updates. I’m a mess too after their apologies, especially when I feel like I’ll be betraying a huge part of myself if I unquestioningly jumped back into it all, even though I want to love them like I used to. infuriatingly, like key himself, I might randomly feel the urge to smack him or taemin upside the head in the future. It’s what I feel rn when their faces come up in my feed, and it’s so weird, it makes me so mad at myself, because they’re not my friends and I shouldn’t be feeling any of this! Maybe I should just applaud and wow them for the amazing artists that they are, and dial back on watching the rest of their content. I’m very glad they apologized, it did feel good, maybe, to see that. I don’t know anymore. I just need a lot and lot of time to settle into myself again. At least all this made me take a long hard look at all the behaviors I’ve unthinkingly picked up to emotionally regulate. I hate that a lot of the fandom are using similar conflicted feelings as an excuse to downplay what they did, and people’s reaction to their comments. to all the fans saying no one’s perfect, and poc like me are overreacting, I should get over myself now they’ve apologized- you’re absolutely right, no one’s perfect, and if I can’t find it in me to move past it, I suppose I wasn't a ‘true shawol’, and I should get the hell out when I can. I’m riding that emotional rollercoaster and feeling exhausted, so sorry for the long mindless rambling. maybe the best way for me to continue to be a shawol and not ignore what happened as a poc is to get some space, be there for myself and understand why I’ve formed whatever parasocial relationships I seem to have formed. I want to continue admiring them, because they and the fandom were the reason for a lot of changes in me. Maybe this will be another one of them. Please know you’re not alone in your feelings, and thank you so much for all your posts!

hello anon!

first of all, that's nice of you <3 i'm glad that my presence has brought you at least a little bit of comfort during this shit show. and no need to apologise for rambling. i do that a lot lol, sometimes you just gotta rant a bit and get it off your chest.

but isn't it weird how we feel all these conflicting emotions of guilt, and relief and anger and sadness and all sorts, over kpop men 😭

like, i get WHY of course, but, it's all a sign that maybe we should take a step back from all of this, like you said. and i've made the decision to do that.

mmm a lot of the fandom reaction is what has pissed me off the most too, twitter took years off my life. absolutely wild takes.

yep, i'll always continue to love them. i've supported them for literally half my life, but, it's time for a break.