#it's hard to explain how we usually feel about it when it's not flaring up really intensely

[thethingything]

I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.

the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?

I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again

[harvestleaves]

Beach Day (HangmanxF!Reader)

Summary: F!reader’s asthma is flaring up at the beach and Jake is being a worried mother-hen.

A/N: I was working on this before I received the prompt: Hangman takes care of the person of your choice.  But this fits that prompt perfectly!  Let me know if I should also post this on Ao3!

Rating: G

Word Count: 1,254

Sitting on a towel in the sand next to Maverick, you watched as your boyfriend Jake ran around on the beach playing football and let your eyes shamelessly roam over his shirtless body, glad you had sunglasses on so no one could tell.  Jake had originally asked you to the beach with his team to play football with them, but when you woke up with your asthma flaring up, he decided it was probably just best for you to sit and watch.

“Why aren’t you out there playing with Hangman?  You don’t normally pass up an opportunity to run around with him,” Maverick asked curiously as he pulled two bottles of water out of the cooler he brought and held one out to you.

“I woke up wheezing this morning.  Jake wanted me to sit out,” you explained as you took the offered water, cracking it open to take a swig.

“Your asthma?  Does it normally bother you?” Maverick asked, turning his head to look over where you were sitting, making a mental note of how raspy your breathing was, despite the salty ocean breeze.

Jake knew that normally the sea air opened your tight lungs, which is why he suggested you still come even if it was just to sit on the beach.  Today however, you had a feeling when you got back to Jake’s place you were going to be curled up to your boyfriend with a breathing treatment going.

“It doesn’t usually, but the heat the last few days has been making me wheeze more than usual,” you shrugged as you took another drink of water before coughing a little.

Reaching into the beach bag you brought, you grabbed your inhaler from where it had fallen to the bottom.  Shaking the device, you let out a wheezy sigh before taking as deep of a breath of medicine as you could manage.  You let your eyes drift shut behind your sunglasses, focusing on the medicine settling in your lungs before you shakily exhale, your next breaths coming a little easier than before.

Because your eyes were closed though, you didn’t see Jake jogging towards you and Maverick, him having noticed you taking a dose of your medicine, making his worry from earlier come back full force.

Jake crouched down in front of you and gently reached a hand out to brush a piece of hair behind your ear, frowning at the sound of your breathing.

“Hey pretty girl, how’s your breathing doing?  You still don’t sound too good,” Jake said softly, no sign of his usual cocky confidence as he ran his thumb over your cheek, causing you to open your eyes even though he couldn’t see them.

“Hi Jake, I’m okay.  My chest is still just a little tight,” you admitted with a wheeze, taking another drink of water when Jake guided it up to your lips again.

“I can hear it darling.  I’m worried about you.  Maybe we should head back to my place and get you into the AC.  Mav, I’m sorry about this.  I know we just got here not too long ago, but I think we should head out, her breathing isn’t getting better,” Jake said as he turned his head to look at the older pilot, hoping he would have some sort of advice.

Frowning, Maverick nodded at Jake’s words and gave you a once over himself, making a mental note of how your cheeks were flushed from your wheezy breathing and not just the sunshine.

“If it’s the AC she needs, do you wanna try taking her inside for a little bit first?  I’m sure Penny wouldn’t mind,” Maverick said as he glanced back to the Hard Deck and where Penny was sitting at one of the tables outside.

“Can we try going inside first?  I don’t want to ruin the beach day,” you wheezed, your shoulders starting to rise and fall a little faster as Jake reached out to move your sunglasses to the top of your hair, wanting to study every part of your face.

Frowning, Jake didn’t like the idea of waiting out the flare up any more than necessary and tilted your chin up so you were looking at his his eyes.  “Are you sure the AC is all you need?  We’ll try your medicine again once your inside.  But if it doesn’t work, I’m taking you home.”  Jake’s tone of voice was commanding, and if you hadn’t already been having trouble breathing, your breath would have caught in your chest from arousal, loving when he took charge.

You nodded at Maverick’s suggestion though and held out your hands for Jake to help you up.  “Let’s try inside first.  Please?”  Your wheezy voice was hopeful as Jake stood from his crouched position, pulling you against his chest before he dropped a kiss to your forehead.

“You get half an hour,” Jake stated as he grabbed your beach bag and looped an arm around your shoulders to steer you up the sand to the bar.

“Hey Penny, sorry to bother you, but can I take this one inside for a bit?  Her shitty lungs need some cool air.”

“Yeah, of course!  Does she need some water?” Penny asked as she moved to her feet to let the two of you inside, noticing that your water from Maverick was almost empty.

“Yes please, if it’s no trouble,” Jake smiled as he led you to the chairs at the bar, rubbing his hand over your upper back as you sat down in a chair.  “Thanks,” he said absentmindedly as Penny set the glass of cool water in front of you, all of his attention back on you as he stood behind you, rubbing the knots out of your tight shoulders.

“Inhaler again,” Jake said bluntly with a nod to the device, watching as you shook it again before taking another puff of the medication.

Normally you would be embarrassed at the amount of attention that was directed at you for your asthma, but there was a small part of you that loved how protective Jake was over you and how in control of the situation he was.

Letting the medicine settle in your lungs again, you exhaled with a few coughs trailing it, the exhaustion from your breathing and the sunshine finally washing over you as you shivered from the AC.

Taking a slightly deeper breath, you winced before turning in the barstool to settle your cheek against Jake’s warm chest, fighting back a few tears now that the two of you were alone and you didn’t need to have your guard up.

“Whoa, what’s with the tears sweetheart?  You’re okay,” Jake whispered in confusion as he hugged you close, confused as to where your sudden emotion was coming from.

“I d-don’t feel good.  My chest is sore, and my inhaler isn’t doing much good.  Can we go back to your place?” you finally wheezed out as a few hot tears fell down your cheeks.

“Sure, we can head out.  I’m sorry you don’t feel well darling.  We’ll get you a breathing treatment and a cold shower, then watch a movie.  Are you okay to walk to my car?  Or do you want me to carry you?” Jake asked, just wanting to hold you close and get you feeling better.

“Carry me please?” you whispered softly, letting him scoop you into his arms as he brought you out to his car and buckled you in, ready to head back and smother you with love.

[imaginespazzi]

Nivi....how are you? You haven't said anything about the game. I think UConn fans on every app were rightfully crashing out. Would love to hear your thoughts when you feel up to it.

Hi lovie, I'm good just busy as per usual but I actually have not been crashing out as much as everyone else. Was it hard to watch? Yes but did I, despite all my cautious optimism, still sort of expect it? Also yes. Here are my thoughts:

Every single thing that we've seen this team do wrong, they did last night. How many times have we been harping on about our lack of 3-pt-defense? How many times have we called out the overhelping? How many times have we complained about a stagnant offense? Literally, all of that happened last night and honestly? I think they needed this loss. So far the team and coaching staff have been able to get away with this without any improvement because we've been winning in spite of this issues and they got complacent. Now they know for sure that they cannot win big games with these flaws, I expect to see this change in our next games.

I'm not sure why there's so much chatter about Paige when she wasn't the problem last night. By all means, she had a good game. The main issue I had with her was her lack of assists but that was team-wide problem because as I pointed out before: stagnant offense. She also did a really good job defensively with Sonia. Could she have played a better game? Statistically maybe not (well I guess she could have scored 40) but what I think Paige lacked, and the team in general lacked, was a spark of some sorts? I am not a proponent of she should force shots (and she took a fair amount of shots imo) but there was flare missing from this team last night and I was waiting for the leader of this team to inject something into them. And it never came and of course that's not all on her, but yeah that's the one thing she could have done better and there's no way to really explain how, just that I know she's done it before.

Actually before I got onto other plays let me talk about that a little bit more because everything else aside, WHERE WAS THE ENERGY? These people went into your house, on your alumni night and EMBARASSED the living fuck out of you on your court. You should be lived, you should wanna do the exact same thing to them and yet, it still seemed like ND wanted it more. And I think of everything I saw last night, that's what annoyed me the most. There was a certain laziness at some point, a lack of fire from everyone (that really showed up in rebounding) and it was in stark contrast to ND who just in simple terms, played like they wanted to win.

I would really love to congratulate KK and KC on what were solid offensive performances. However, it doesn't matter that they combined for 21 points, because I have since realized that they gave up 27 points, and that's only based on how many 3s they gave up so it very well could be more. Egregious work from two guards who are supposed to be our best defensive players.

Sarah looked a little bit like a freshman again but I will say, the couple of "energy" runs that we did have? Those were absolutely spearheaded by her but she just doesn't have the experience yet, where she can start them and then continue them. But it's games like this that will start to get here there and I'm excited to see her against ISU and USC.

Jana had the highest +/- on the team in the sense that she was +5 and she was a huge part of the run that lead us to cutting the lead to one so of course, OF COURSE, grandpa had to go ahead and bench. WHY WAS SHE ON THE BENCH FOR MOST OF THE FIRST HALF?? What was the gameplan? What was the reason? All of it pisses me off so much because why would you not play your tallest player when we were shit on rebounds????

Ice girl, I haven spent the last couple of week saying girlie was starting to look soid and first big game, she goes ahead and makes a liar of me because she was terrible last night. Why she was on the floor instead of Jana, I will never understand.

I have about as many good things to say about Ash as she had points last night. ZERO??? SERIOUSLY? For all KC and KK gave up on defense, at least there was something on offense but Ash gave us nothing. A complete non-factor if not a complete liability. The only right decision Geno made last night might have been benching her in the 4th. But I will say, some players, especially shooters, you needa run a play or two, to get them going. Just one play for her and on the off chance she hits it, you never what that could have done for her confidence and our chances.

Morgan deserved more minutes last night. Girl played nie minutes less and only had one less rebound than Ice. She had hustle and we needed hustle so bad but of course, of course grandpa would bench her.

If y'all haven't realized yet, my main gripe with last night is directed at Geno because I think he made every wrong decision her possibly could and quite frankly got outcoached like nobody's business by Niele Ivey.

Despite all of this, once again, I'll reinstate that I am not crashing out. Everything that went wrong is fixable and I do believe that this team can fix them. Especially because 2 of the biggest things that fucked us over will start to get fixed by two of our players coming back. Azzi will help with 3 pointers and Aubrey will help with defending them. Overall, this was a respectful loss to a good team in December. Championships are won in March. You lose and you learn and you keep on living.

[harmlessghosty]

Hi, Ghosty. I've been wondering if you can do demon brothers with mc that is insecure with their eczema 👉👈

As someone who grew up with (granted, mild) eczema, I feel this in my soul. Even with a little, it can be embarrassing and unbearable, so I can imagine how hard it is with more. Hugs, because it absolutely sucks, and sometimes there’s SO little you can do about it. I usually treat it with creams, but I’m sure everyone varies.

I’ll preface this with the very clear statement that the Obey Me characters do not care what you look like, as long as you’re comfortable and happy. Being insecure of your appearance means you aren’t comfortable and happy, and they’ll each do whatever it takes to change that into something that empowers you, or at the very least helps you feel better in your skin.

—

Lucifer

More often than not would notice early on that you’re self-conscious of your appearance. Long sleeves? Pants? Turtlenecks? All in summer weather? How unusual, and you even seem to be sweating uncomfortably.

At first suggests gently that you should dress for the weather until he realizes that something more must be happening for you to behave so unusually. He asks directly what the problem is, and you decide to tell him—but only in absolute privacy.

Nods in understanding. You don’t want people to see your skin, and he relates to that. After all, the scars from his fall are…

Well, we don’t talk about the scars. All you need to know is that he understands.

Offers to help you find creams, spells or other treatments to settle flare-ups. Lessens your stress so that it doesn’t get worse. Offers his office and bedroom for you to lounge in without covering yourself—whether he’s there with you or not. If he is there with you, he treats you as he would normally—respectful and calm, without acknowledging the rashes unless you want to talk about them.

Mammon

What do you mean you’re not burning up in that get-up? C’mon, take off that sweater. It’s a million degrees and you’re making him feel like he’s sweating!

You agree on the condition that he doesn’t tell anyone and that he doesn’t laugh or make a comment. After all, he won’t shut up forever if you don’t let him see what the problem is.

Oh. Ohh, that explains it.

Tries hard not to stare because ouch, that looks painful. He’s gotten his fair share of rashes and wounds from…Well, being an idiot with spellcraft. But that just means he has tons of sympathy for your condition.

Offers for you to use any of his special, expensive products as you want. He even goes out of his way to find things that’ll settle the flare-ups, even if that means spending more money. “Forget about it. Ya made me itchy, so start usin’ it before I go crazy.”

Doesn’t shy away from physical contact, and doesn’t treat you like you’re a pariah. If you suddenly feel anxious without covering your body, he offers his jacket to lay across your lap or cover your arms or neck. It’s the least he can do, and you look kind of cute with his clothes on. Just make sure ya give it back, and it better smell like those lotions he’s lettin’ you use!

Levi

It’s okay. He looks weird too, especially when he’s in his demon form. I mean, have you seen all his scales? They’re super itchy too when they shed off, and he’s got a mess on his hands making sure they’re cleaned up and not giving him even more skin problems and you must think it’s so weird and inappropriate that he’s comparing his stupid problem to your totally valid one and—

You hush him up quickly, but somehow, his anxiety helps you feel somewhat better?

He sighs and covers his reddened face. “I-I mean, I don’t know if it’ll work on humans, b-but I have…ideas of what works for me.”

Totally understands the social aspect of wanting to cover up or not go out, especially when your eczema is worse than usual or in an obvious spot. Always keeps his door unlocked for you to come and go as you please, and tries extra hard not to stare at your rashes when you’re there. It’s not that he’s judging you, but they just look so painful, and he wants to help so badly…

Absolutely offers to distract you in any way possible. If that means he has to t-touch you to rub on creams, or he just listens to you complain and offers his room as a place of comfort, then he really hopes you take him up on it. He even researches and buys tons of stuff online to try and help, though maybe you’ve tried it all. It’s the thought that counts, right? Right? Tell him he did good.

Satan

“Oh? I’m not familiar with that, but it looks uncomfortable. No wonder you’re insecure about it.”

While it doesn’t help you feel better at all, you respect his ability to be pragmatic, realistic and honest about your eczema. Yes, it’s painful and itchy and really obvious, but did he have to say the quiet part out loud?

So he researches. And he researches. And he asks questions that make no sense, some that do make sense, and others that even researches in the human world probably never thought of. And in the end, he comes up with a game plan that’s…not really what you wanted, but you appreciate the thought behind it.

Maybe you’ll take him up on the offer, or maybe you won’t. It’s totally your decision, but the door is always open. He’ll make all the potions and spells you could ever want to try if it means you’re more comfortable with yourself.

He’s a bit pushy on asking about it sometimes. He wants to help, but he’s not always sure how he can, so he needs a little direction. Once you tell him that you need a place to rest, or some lighter clothes to cover up, or maybe just someone to complain to, he’s always there to listen and offer a shoulder to lean on or a lap to rest on. Please, take advantage of it. It’s the least he can do.

Asmo

Very quickly notices your outfits are too uncomfortable for the weather and the season. “Darling, you really must dress with the times! You know that long sleeves should be reserved for after September, and you shouldn’t be wearing those pants when they don’t flatter your figure hardly at all, and—“

Will literally pull a jacket off of your shoulders. Try him. He’s trying to be helpful and playful, but he doesn’t realize you’re insecure because of your eczema until it’s too late.

Is confused. He doesn’t have a comparable idea for what that is in Devildom. He doesn’t have creams or treatments for anything like that,, but damn it, he’s going to find something that helps you feel better.

If you’re going out, he offers to help cover it up with makeup or a light shawl that matches your skin well enough to hide. If that upsets your skin and you don’t want to go out, he plans an elaborate indoor date and makes sure that the brothers aren’t home to ruin it. Trust him; they won’t be anywhere nearby. Don’t ask how he managed that, love.

Will give you all the oatmeal baths he can possibly offer. Maybe they help, maybe they don’t, but it does give him an excuse to see you au natural or in a bathing suit, and that’s something to appreciate, isn’t it?

Beel

His first concern is that you’re allergic to something you ate. He’s heard of people breaking out in hives for allergies, and he’s worried. It doesn’t look good, and he’s pretty sure that humans can’t have reactions like that without getting sick, and—

When you explain to him that it’s something you’re basically born to suffer, he nods in understanding. So it’s like a battle scar, he thinks, because that’s about the only comparison he can make. Maybe it’s even like a sweat rash; he gets those on occasion if he doesn’t take care of himself after exercising, so he gets it.

Lets you wear his oversized clothes to help cover up. If you’re in public, he’s absolutely not above stripping shirtless so that you can cover up, or even carrying you around so that no one can notice your eczema but rather look at you for being carried. Hey, at least they won’t notice the thing you’re worried about.

Tries to find foods that would help inflammation and will offer them to you on a regular basis. It’s something he knows will help in the long run, though it’s not exactly the most quickly helpful.

The best at making sure any creams you use are rubbed in perfectly. Have eczema anywhere on your body? He notices it quickly and offers to help cover it right away, whether with clothes or a treatment. Whatever makes you comfortable.

Belphie

Doesn’t care about the rash at all beyond a simple, “What’s that? Oh, okay.”

Secretly wonders if he can do anything to help. Is honestly a bit worried to touch you when you cuddle because he doesn’t want to irritate your skin further.

If you’re nervous about napping with him, don’t be, because he really doesn’t mind how you look as long as your shoulder or lap is available to him. It makes you feel good to be needed by him, doesn’t it? Then accept his generosity.

Really tries to listen to you talk about it, but he just…keeps thinking about ways to help. He’s smart; it shouldn’t be hard to come up with something that works, but surely you’ve been trying to work with it for years. In the end, he defaults to whatever you want, and does whatever he can to listen to what you need from him.

Constantly reassures you that the appearance doesn’t matter to him, as long as you’re cozy in his arms.

[albatrossdeveloper]

XOXO Accessibility: My Experience Attending

All right, this is what I do, and for once I'm actually excited to do it?? 

I went into XOXO jaded as hell. I have every right and every reason to be. Access is both easy and hard, complicated and simple. An event can do everything within its power to create accessibility, but if your crowd is full of people who block the ramps and stand in front of people sitting in rollators, disabled people will still be kept from enjoying themselves, and be forced to put on a brave face for it. XOXO was the rare kind of thing where I left uplifted, and thinking maybe there is a future for people with physical and cognitive disabilities to be allowed to participate in the larger community of artists. 

Every talk had CART. It wasn't perfect, the outdoor tent had them stage-right in the front, so they couldn't see the slides which showed some of the more difficult words people were using, but holy shit they had CART at every talk. This shouldn't be an issue like it is, but it creates access for everyone; not just deaf and HOH individuals, but people who have sensory processing disorders and just able bodied and minded people who missed a word or two. The events at the mainstage had the CART done from the back it seems, and I noticed it was much more accurate. 

As for the comfort level at the events, guys, I did fucking floor time. I was flaring pretty bad those two days, the chairs weren't incredibly comfortable, and I wanted to change positions. So I sat on the floor, which is already rare for me to feel that confidence, and a volunteer asked if I needed anything like a chair, and when I started explaining just thumbs-upped me and walked away. I was astounded, usually I have to explain myself, but they just went on "I don't have to understand I'm just here to help" style and did their job without making me feel weird. Genuinely, that was probably my most uplifting moment of the event, stopping dead in my tracks of an explanation I shouldn't feel the need to give in the first place, feeling safer than I've felt to just be a little autistic weirdo who needs floor time than I probably ever have. I go to chronic pain support groups regularly where people will look at me funny for sitting on the floor. The fact that in support groups I get more side-eyeing than I did at XOXO just speaks to the atmosphere they cultivated that we're allowed to truly come as we are. I've had so many iterations of this experience, all well-intended usually, but this is by far the most comfortable I have ever felt. 

I'm the kind of sensitive person who gets caught up in this minutiae. I noticed every single cable was well covered with an accessible ramp that would have passed seattle's legal qualifications for how we have to cover our EV chargers as to not trip people on sidewalks, and the ramps were always immediately made clear for me when people without mobility aids were crowding them as soon as I came into view with one. Everyone who I interacted with did literally everything within their power to help me deal with my very severe grass allergy. This always bothers me at conferences, and at GDC I was running on 4 benadryl at a time multiple doses per day because yerba buena is like swimming in histamines for me. I didn't have to take any benadryl until the last day when I went to a Slack organized meetup in a park, and I hadn't brought my rollator and was given a chair to sit in so I could continue participating in the conversation. At no point did anyone stand in front of me excluding me from the group, this happens often when I'm sitting in a rollator, I was always a welcome member of groups and circles of conversations. 

There was one big issue that happened, and everyone who marked ourselves as having access needs were emailed about it the day before. They usually have tiling on top of the grass, to make the terrain easier to navigate. It was BUMPY as hell, and I definitely struggled to navigate it. This was the biggest access hangup I hit, but I was notified it would happen in advance, and it was made clear to me that one of the main organizers was absolutely scrambling to try and make it right. When I asked if there were any plans to mitigate it, I was told options had been exhausted and was actually offered a full refund of my pass. I had an incredible experience, and I don't feel like it impacted me enough to make that necessary, but I cannot stress how fucking rare it is for people to literally put their money where their mouth is on these issues. Everyone who is disabled and/or using mobility aids I talked to was definitely struggling with it, and anyone who was there and dealing with it in some capacity please feel free to comment your experiences below, as mine isn't enough to give a full picture. My fellow attendees did everything they could to make it easier for me to navigate, and even the food vendors helped me make sure everything I bought was something I could move from their space to the tables in or on my rollator without sauces going flying. 

Covid measures are their own thing, and this event had some great policies in place. NUMEROUS types of masks were available, and I'm finding myself wishing I'd taken pictures of all the different types available. This is just a summary of my experience, and I’m so happy it was so positive. I left this conference feeling artistically fed and uplifted, which is a genuine first for me. Thank you to everyone involved in organizing for your hard work! 

[set-phasers-to-whump]

nothing there

prompt: hallucinations

whumpee: sakari nurmi

fandom: karppi/deadwind

hii here's the first non-tmfu fic this month lol. it's pre-ship and features drug use jsyk. hope you like!!

It is the middle of the night when Sofia is woken by a knocking on her door. 

A thousand thoughts race through her mind as she reaches for her gun and makes her way, silently, to the door. 

It could be Emil or Henna, but they’d likely call first. So would any of her coworkers. But someone intent on harming her isn’t likely to be so polite as to knock. 

She looks through the peephole and relaxes, engaging the safety and setting her gun down. 

“Nurmi? What are you doing here?”

He doesn’t say anything, just comes inside. 

“Hello?”

She flicks on the lights, and he flinches. 

“What’s wrong?” 

He still doesn’t say anything, but he glances up so she sees his face for the first time, and it’s immediately apparent what’s happened. 

He’s high. Fucking hell, she’d thought he was done with that. He’d told her he was done with that. 

But his pupils are blown wide and he’s sweaty and breathing too fast and too shallow and he’s looking around like he’s seeing or hearing something that isn’t actually there. 

Anger flares up in her chest, sudden and sharp. He’d told her he didn’t do this anymore. And she’d believed him. 

“What the fuck did you take?”

He doesn’t respond, as if he hasn’t even heard her. Looks around like he can’t see her. His gaze is fixed on something in the distance, except she knows there’s nothing there. 

“Nurmi.” She grabs his arm. He startles, but she has his attention, at least a bit. He’s trembling. She hadn’t realized that until she’d touched him. 

“What did you take?”

He looks like he is trying very hard to focus, which is something, at least. “I don’t know,” he says at last. “Why is everything so loud?”

There’s almost no noise. Just the quiet buzz of traffic down on the street. More hallucinations. 

“Don’t you usually know what it is you’re taking before you take it?”

She’s so angry. She knows he probably doesn’t understand much at the moment, but she doesn’t care. She’d believed him, and now here he is, high out of his mind in her apartment. Thank fucking god Emil’s at a sleepover. She doesn’t know how she’d even begin to explain this to him. 

“I didn’t…” he starts, but the sentence goes nowhere. 

She sighs, presses her hands to her eyes, scrubs a hand down her face. Why can’t she seem to go more than a week without something exploding?

“Sofia?”

“What?” 

“Why am I here?”

She focuses on him. He looks afraid, his eyes wide, pupils somehow more dilated than they had been before. If she looks carefully, she can see the tremors she’d felt before. 

“You’re high,” she says. 

“Why?”

“Why do you think?”

He doesn’t answer. He’s gone pale, staring at something behind her. She turns around, hand reaching for a gun that isn’t there, but it’s fine. 

There’s nothing there. 

Not that her partner is aware of this. He’s breathing raggedly, shaking more visibly, and he looks terrified. 

Despite her anger, she feels sorry for him. 

“It’s okay,” she says. “There’s nothing there.”

But he doesn’t seem to have heard her. He backs up, like he’s expecting an attack—from her or whatever he’s hallucinating, she doesn’t know—and when he’s about a foot away from the wall he flinches so violently his back slams into the wall and he slides to the ground. 

She approaches him like a wounded animal, not sure how he’ll react to her presence. He’s pressed to the wall, knees to his chest and face to his knees, on the verge of hyperventilation. 

She’s worried. Freaked out, even. Whatever he’s got in his system is nothing remotely good. She wonders if she should call an ambulance. 

But something stops her. She isn’t sure what. She sinks down to her knees beside him, touches him tentatively. 

His head whips up. She has never seen him look so afraid. Why would you do this? she thinks. I thought everything was fine. I thought we were fine. 

“It’s okay,” she says again. “I won’t hurt you.”

He blinks, and then he’s looking right at her. “What’s…happening to me?”

“Like I said before, you’re high.”

“But I didn’t…”

And then she loses him again. He covers his ears as some sound only he can hear overwhelms him. 

As he moves, his sleeves shift, and suddenly she sees a small tear in the left one, on its underside. 

Fuck. 

She grabs his arm, ignoring the way he flinches. Her fingers find the tear quickly, and then she’s pushing the sleeve up, revealing an injection site. 

It’s messy and on the wrong side of his arm. The mark from the needle is too large and bloody, as if he’d moved while the needle had still been in his skin. As if he’d fought what had been done to him. 

“Fuck.”

He looks up at her, down at his arm. 

“Why am I bleeding?”

“You’re not, not anymore. It’s dried.”

“What happened?”

“I think you were drugged.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know! You probably know, only you’re high!”

“Sorry.”

“It isn’t your fault.”

He falls silent for a moment, and she sits down beside him, reaching for her phone. It’s not in her pocket, obviously, because he’d woken her in the middle of the night. She reaches into his pocket instead, is relieved to find his phone still there. 

He interrupts her before her fingers can dial 112. 

“Sofia?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t feel good.”

She dials the number, then holds the phone to her ear with one hand and wraps the other around her partner’s shoulders. 

“I’m sorry,” she tells him, and she’s apologizing for more than the fact that he feels bad. Then she turns her attention to the voice at the other end of the phone. 

When she hangs up, assured that help is on its way, Sakari glances up at her from where he’s rested his head against her shoulder. He looks young, and open, and still afraid, and she doesn’t quite know what to do with it. 

She settles for rubbing his shoulder, pulling him closer, and hoping he doesn’t remember this come tomorrow. 

thanks for reading!!! i love these guys so so much and this one was so fun to write. hope you liked!

[disasterofastory]

The pretty little actress of Rogers - Part 12 (Steve Rogers x Reader)

The pretty little actress of Rogers Part 12 - The right path // The pretty little actress of Rogers Masterlist Steve Rogers x Reader Mafia AU Warnings: none

Summary: You are ready to start your new life on the path you chose.

A/N: Hey guys! Steve's story ends with this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. As usual, looking back, there are a bunch of things I would do differently, especially since this series and Bucky's story are a mafia au, but there is not much about mafia in it. But still, I hope you enjoyed it!

Are you here? Steve is at the bar.

Thanks, I'll go and find him.

Good luck.

After Leila's last message, you slide your phone back into your bag on your shoulder.

The new nightclub is crowded and loud. You barely have space to press yourself through the people to reach the long counter with black marble and bright lights. Your fingers are tight around the strap of your bag the whole time. The mixture of alcohol, perfumes, and sweat is heavy in the stuffy air.

You recognize Steve's broad back immediately. The expensive fabric of his suit stretches on his muscles as he leans over the counter to say something to one of the bartenders. His words get swallowed by the rumbling music.

Heat flares up in your body as you watch him for long seconds. He is just as handsome as ever, and you can't understand how you willed yourself to stay away for almost a month. Except for a few short messages, you let yourself be alone to clear your mind. It wasn't easy, but you needed it.

You can feel your heart beating in your throat as you get closer. Your eyes never leave Steve's form at the bar, getting his drink with a quick nod as a thank you. His gaze is on the shelves of drinks in front of him. He doesn't even react when you reach him. Your front almost presses to his side because of the small space you have. Biting your lip, you let your hand fall on his shoulder. His muscles jerk at the sudden contact. Before he can do anything, you lean closer. "Can I get you another one?" His head snaps your way, eyes wide and shocked. His back straightens. A few drops of whiskey glint on his plump lips in the vibration of colorful lights. "Hey," you greet him with a weak, fearful smile. "You are here," he says the obvious. "I am," you nod. "I hope it's okay." Steve has to shake off the daze he fell into when you appeared next to him. He jumps up from his chair, hugging you tightly against himself with one arm. "Of course, it's okay," he replies. "I'm really happy to see you." "Can we talk somewhere?" You ask him, forcing yourself to back away so you can look at him. His presence is familiar and comforting, and you find it hard to break away from it. The musky scent of his cologne brings you comfort, and his arm around your waist means safety. "Yeah," he replies. "Come."

Steve leads you through the crowd, always holding onto you somewhere. Your hand. Your waist. "It's empty," Steve explains before opening the VIP room for you. "The others are somewhere around the club."

"And how are you?" You ask Steve after he gives you a drink, and you sit down on the couch, watching down at the dancing crowd. "I'm fine," he replies curtly. "I was busy with work." He had to keep his mind away from you to keep his sanity. Steve missed you more and more with each passing day, and not knowing what goes on in your mind made everything worse. "I'm sorry I didn't come to find you sooner," you tell him. "I know it was not fair of me." "It was hard," Steve nods before continuing to ease your guilt. "But I understand. Your marriage just ended, and you needed time." "Yes," you agree. "And I needed time to think." "And?" Steve asks, drinking from his whiskey to hide his nervousness. You being here doesn't mean anything. Maybe you wanted to be fair and end things with him, too, face to face. Maybe you are here to tell him you want to move back to your city, leaving him behind. After a deep breath, you tell him honestly why you are here with him. "I want to continue whatever is between us. I really missed you, and I want to see where this leads us. I mean, if you want it too. I understand if you don't."

Before you can start to worry about his silence, he grabs your arm easily, pulling you onto his lap. Your legs are on the couch as he cups your cheeks to turn your head for a heated kiss. His tongue brushes over your bottom lip, nibbling on the soft flesh before entering your mouth when a trembling breath escapes from your chest. "I missed you," he exhales over your swollen lips. His arms are still around you, caging you to his hard chest. "I thought I would go crazy without you." "I really missed you too," you reply, cupping his face with one hand as you stare at him lovingly. His clear blue eyes shine brightly in the dim lights of the VIP room.

You know you chose the right path. Your marriage with Kent wasn't a mistake, and you always think of him with happiness and love in your heart, but your future is with Steve. You want nobody else.

"Get in before they start to fuck!" Sam's voice is muffled through the door, and soon, it bursts open with Steve's friends behind it.

Steve doesn't let you go the whole night, keeping you tight against him to kiss you every few minutes.

[moonbreeze19]

we were too close to the stars i never knew somebody like you, somebody falling just as hard - reflections

alarin tumblr debut?? for tsme week?? i think so i think yes! u can consider this a late day 6 post or day 7 i suppose, whatever u prefer!

(in summary: my oc, rin, and alain, have lived in my head rent free for 3 years now. they mean the world to me. i love them. to me, they are THE it couple <3)

details/about them below the break

rin yukino is a hyper competitive trainer with a (shiny) mega gardevoir, goal focused and independent to the point of flaw. born and raised in kalos, but with family from sinnoh, she had spent much of her childhood fitting into her parent's mold for a perfect daughter. she was a straight-a student, principal violinist, preparing to attend a top university - at 18, she realized that wasn't who she wanted to be anymore. she became a pokemon trainer instead.

(somewhat unimportantly, her usual trainer design consists of teal highlights in her hair, orange earrings shaped like the heart that goes through a mega gardevoir's chest, and a lot of black and gray. she matches diva, her gardevoir, like alain matches his charizard. they're both extra like that.)

she meets alain viard when they're both 22, shortly after the events of TSME act 4. she's on the gym challenge, and he's... alain. they battle, and he wins. twice in a row. then they go from rivals to rivals with benefits, then maybe even friends if they weren't both so emotionally reclusive i mean haha what-

alarin, aka rin "i'm stronger on my own" yukino and alain "i only destroy those around me" viard

even if he's won both times, alain can't help but be attracted one of the few people who can keep up with him, who cares about winning nearly as much as he does, who treats pokemon battling like it's all she has. he knows the feeling. he thinks she might understand him.

she's half of the reason behind both his decision to fill out his team beyond charizard and his decision to challenge the gyms

when they fall apart, just a month before the team flare crisis, i like to think of them like a supernova. short lived but bright and brilliant. doomed from the start.

the details of their falling out are complicated, so we'd be here all day if i tried to explain.

rin fails to stand by him during the fight against lysandre. she doesn't have the courage to. but she does, however, find him in the aftermath. she helps him heal and pick up the broken pieces. that's where 99% of their relationship really comes from.

i filter them into the category titled "couples written by taylor swift's the great war" and if you know you know

because it's important to me, rin gets along great with mairin.

at first she's a bit annoyed by her over-enthusiasm. rin is cold, blunt, realistic, and introverted, mairin is the opposite of all of those things. but once she sees how much mairin means to alain she does a full 180

and mairin's only ever had older brothers (both in her biological family and in alain), so having rin around to show her how to do her hair, her makeup, AND annoy the hell out of alain when appropriate is her favorite thing ever.

they are very good at bullying alain into taking care of himself (because he is very bad at that, as we all know.)

eventually, rin will go on to become one of the kalos elite four, after malva gets arrested (for being Very Fucking Evil).

one of my favorite things ever to think about is how the random internet people would claim "rin is only with alain to try and get famous" (and also make lengthy twitter/x callout threads on how alain is a problematic person because of his team flare involvement, and therefore decently-well-known league challenger rin yukino is also problematic by proxy), only for alain to generally avoid the public spotlight (there are lots of headcanons here. in short, he goes to university) and rin to be hired as elite four. and then she becomes far more famous as a result. and then the internet trolls are like "...oh." and a majority of the general population doesn't even know she and alain are a thing, because it's only obvious if you scrolled intensely through her instagram account.

i don't know why alarin getting stupid hate threads on twitter/x is the funniest thing to me but it really, really is!!

the internet is convinced alarin is a manipulative ploy on rin's end and one day she reads one of the twitter threads making all these claims about what she's done and she just goes "bitch i did what" and finds it absolutely hilarious

ANYWAYS that is all for now!! this post is so long and this is barely scratching the surface?? they mean so much to me i'm so sorry 😭😭

if literally anybody ever wants to hear about them i will share more. i would cry happy tears.

thank you so much for reading this if you did!! i'm so glad i got to share them for tsme week!

[metallteeff]

i’m going to gush about this book under the cut because it might be my favorite book ever

i’m not going to say bpd is perfectly correlated with the idea of a mirror or that everyone with bpd has an obsession with The Mirror or mirror imagery because i feel people would take that the wrong way and understand it as vanity but this book is not only a mirror to me but also perfectly explains this idea of The Mirror through her what she’s experienced and having little or no identity. The idea of forcing yourself to paint an image on a mirror instead of just wearing your clothes. i’m using more prose than review but this books has made so much easier for me to understand how much of my thought process is powered by my bpd, and usually this would be one of the most earth shattering things, because that idea that bpd has so much control over me makes me feel like a dissected bug something disgusting and vulnerable but this book says that exactly before i can even finish the thought. it repeats thoughts u had yesterday from a book written years before i had it. it presents every thought i’ve had or tried to push down right in front of me on a published page.

bpd for me makes it so hard to connect because of this imaginary game of social connection you start to make up in your head. you’re trying to play chess with checkers and you don’t even know how either game works. the author lisa johnson lays out exactly the web of her life and connections and her idea of tactics that play out seemingly without her executive decision. these things just happen because she wants them to so she acts on them. this is the only way something can happen when you’re thinking through the way bpd works. you’re forced down a cattle canal with a nail gun at the end. it’s a one track mind sent down a labyrinth of choices and you’re poorly equipped for strategy.

not only that but the dissection of the facade(s) that come with having bpd is also wonderfully done (and how could it not be when told by someone with bpd). so often are facades presented as two layers: something to lure and something to trap. something delicious that leads to torture. with this people think those with bpd only aim to do these things, that we are oriented around the goal of destruction and only get to know people to slowly close our jaw over them. i think then too many people with bpd add this idea and belief as another layer onto our made up game of charades and chess. if you know i have this then you won’t love me anymore, that’s when ill have to flare or fringe and quills. i’ll have to do this to show you you’re right and wrong, that im awful and scared. that i am a defense mechanism as a whole. the book starts with this presentation too, making the read feel as though you’re following and outsiders path in. it begins with repeating talk of celebrities and house fires and the fascinations with public meltdowns. the connection you have to public figures pushed to their limit and lashing out and arguing tabloids reports like that’s a person in itself. this follows up with an incredibly clinical chapter, and if we treat this book in itself as a person (as its later described as) it feels distinctly placed there to make up for the gossip of the last chapter. this continues on as we get deeper and more personal with the authors life and the back and forth becomes clear this is the every day change and adjustment with bpd.

i’ve never read a book that feels like i am just reading my own diary with different names, jobs, and places. she discusses how her art and writing seems to teeter on being a favorite person itself, how when you have no identity it’s not just “hard to maintain a relationship” it’s utterly impossible to understand what attraction is. how aversion to comfort is more plausible but wonders why nothing you choose is comfortable. how analytical you have to be with bpd, weighing pros and cons, which without explanation seems as cold and callous “strategy” to anyone without it (though it’s just so you make the “better decision” in the end). this book is catharsis for every article that focuses on the bpd’s loved ones pain rather than that affected by the disorder. for every time you ask “what about me?” through gritted teeth and green eyes this book shares that deep inside grinding pain saying “i know”. it’s such a wonderful book that i really genuinely do start to get light headed reading this.

it’s a hard read, not in terms of content or a sudden wave of self loathing, but because it starts to destroy the wall or hole many with bpd have surrounding loneliness. “there is no one like me” is destroyed when you read lisa johnson describe your life in fine detail in the exact code words you always use so no one will know what is actually going on inside. when you cuts in clippings from artists, psychological studies, and pop culture i see my art fold out in front of me too, trying to make this same exact message. when this feeling of utter god awful loneliness starts to be dismantled by her words you see piece by piece what yours is actually made up of, where it came from, and how to discard it. there are people like you, but we all are so utterly terrified of being turned inside out we don’t just build a barrier, we incase ourselves in resin to sit and wait and be chipped out. consider this book the hammer and chisel.

i recommend this book to absolutely anyone. if you have bpd you will find some solace in it in certain, i’ve found it in every page down to every paragraph. if you love someone or even know someone with bpd i really encourage you to read it. it’s not just a bullet point list of things that ppl with bpd do or feel like, it is drenched in what having it is like. the formatting and text is sporadic with lines that imitate self harm inflictions littering breaks between paragraphs at random. words get bolded and each word of sentences are broken up by periods. italics shrink to the bottom of the page and font changes mid paragraph when floundering to keep up an appearance. it’s an insightful book because reading it you experience these episodes along with them happening. it leads you on a simulation of how out of control thus disorder is and feels. if you’re struggling to understand your loved one or yourself this book lays it out down to having a readers guide with questions to answer in the back.

it’s been an incredibly beautiful experience to read through this and see oddities i thought were disgusting exist in another human being as it’s always easier to understand and be kind to another’s pain than your own. reaaaaaad it.

[olskuvallanpoe]

Skipping Stones

There are rocks beneath my skin, buried within my muscles.

Boulders. Like when you eat something but don’t chew it enough so it sinks like a stone through your esophagus.

These are other places, though. My calves, the middle of my back.

I’m skipping my painting class today because they settle painfully against the wooden bench I have to sit on.

Well, I’m not skipping class, not really. I’m told that missing class due to chronic pain flaring up is a valid excuse.

I’m still not completely sure I believe that—

Or maybe I’m completely sure that I don’t know if I believe it. What’s the difference, really?

Is there any merit to naming the way my chest tightens when the clock strikes the time I would have otherwise left my room?

Once, my brain was really muddled.

(My mother and I refer to this as “pain brain,” and we first noticed it when I couldn’t tell the difference between left and right while directing her through Google Maps. It’s when I’m in so much pain that my brain stops working the way it usually does. I forget things, and everything gets jumbled, even the way I talk.)

I had a class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays that started at nine-fifteen. I had another class on Tuesdays and Thursdays that started at nine-fifty.

I left my dorm on either a Monday, a Wednesday, or a Friday—I only know it was one of those days because of which class I was going to that day.

I got to the classroom at some time suspiciously before eight-fifty (or maybe it was eight-fifty, itself?) and the room was dark.

I checked the time on my cell phone and then had the realization that I must have gotten the time wrong. The class must have started at nine-fifty, not nine-fifteen, since no one was anywhere near the room.

To make a long story short: I ended up missing class and sending a frantic email to my professor, trying to explain the foggy way my brain had dealt with the dates and the times.

It was like I’d put the two times in identical bags, completely wiping the dates from my mind. My muscles told me to go at nine-fifteen, but I didn’t choose that bag to pull from. I pulled nine-fifty instead.

But how do I explain that to a professor without sounding like I need to be institutionalized?

My loved ones worry about me a lot because apparently I push myself too hard.

Sometimes I agree, but sometimes I just feel lazy. Sometimes I feel like other people feel like I’m lazy, and that’s one of the biggest fears of mine.

My disability is rather invisible, and this was even worse before I started using a cane.

I always feel like people assume I’m lying or exaggerating.

Sometimes I even agree with them. Often, I agree with them, actually.

Like when I miss class because of the rocks in my calf muscles but don’t know how to explain it beyond a my chronic pain is flaring up and two or three sorry for the inconveniences to assuage my guilt.

I’m dreadful at describing pain. To doctors, especially.

Like—how am I supposed to know what a stabbing pain is when I’ve never been stabbed?

Is it a bone pain? Dude, how am I supposed to know? For all I know it could be a blood pain.

I don’t really trust medical professionals anyways.

I’ve met maybe one in my life who actually listened to me.

I don’t know how much more of this class I can afford to miss.

[arithecreatorsstuff]

Things You Cannot Tell By Looking At Her; Hard Truths About My Chronically Ill Life

With an invisible illness like my fibromyalgia, it's a whole lot harder to live a somewhat normal life. Things than no one suspects take energy can wipe me out with little regard for plans, or even my body's own needs sometimes. Here's some things you'll never suspect about how my condition affects my daily life.

When I go out to eat with my guy, we often opt for drive through. It's draining for me to be around large amounts of people for long, plus... I tend to feel like people judge me for how little I eat compared to him. My pain levels tend to make me too tired to even eat "a full meal" in one sitting, to the point I've had fast food workers swear I'm anorexic. Nope, just too tired for both a small fry and 4 piece chicken nugget.

There are times I just cannot do the thing, either due to pain levels at 9000 or brain fog. Pushing me to do the thing doesn't work. Plus, embarrasses the hell out of me. I remember going dress shopping with my stepmother, being forced to model dress after ugly dress, on my feet for hours in bad shoes, and by the end of it I was hiding in a rack of dresses and screaming for someone to just take me home, I don't even want to go to this stupid event anyway, the salepeople thought I was a freak, and one called my stepmother a monster. Surprised no one thought to arrest my stepmother for domestic abuse she treated me so awfully.

I can be having the worst flare ever, but if I'm forced out into the world while it's happening, unless I'm legit past my limits, you'll never know. I'm not the pajamas in public type, if I'm in public I'm in a dress, hair combed, face clean. While pajamas in public are fine, it's just not my jam. Truthfully, the dresses tend to be more comfortable for me anyway. Less waist pressure from the waistband.

I have a set(ish) amount of time I have before I just get too damn tired to be out in public, usually 3 hours. So, if said task (shopping) cannot be completed by that time in one trip... it gets postponed until I can focus on that one side mission. Or I shop online.

There is nothing more disheartening than making plans, feeling well enough to do the thing, and... the person I am doing the thing with just bails for no reason. Dude, bad enough my defective meatsuit is unreliable, what's your deal? At least explain why!

Explaining my condition and the way I have to adapt to it multiple times is more exhausting than to have the damn thing in the first place. The condition itself can be hell, if you don't believe me the first time I'm not explaining it again and again.

I may look like I'm not paying attention, but due to trauma and ptsd from it, I am never fully unaware of my surroundings. This is both impressive to some, but annoying to me. I'm still so amped from my shit parents it takes me hours to relax enough to fall asleep. And... the least little thing WILL wake me up.

I may not look tired, but I am. All. The. Time. I never fully recover. I've tried all manner of things to correct it, no results.

There are foods I cannot eat. It's not a true allergy, usually. Dairy and some starches don't like me back, I despise tomatoes raw but like tomato sauce, and macadamia nuts give me hives. So, I have to be a little more careful when eating out. Servers who do not take food allergies or sensitivities seriously get me angry. Sure, my issues aren't lethal, but they might kill though negligence or indifference.

I'm not faking being sick, if anything I should win an award for faking wellness.

[track-five]

I can’t remember if you’ve ever written any, but if you have, do you have any tips on how to write good smut? I’m struggling here and feel like everything I’m writing sounds awful/unrealistic. If you don’t feel comfortable answering no worries. Feel free to ignore me!

smut is the weirdest and hardest thing to write! probably because “sex” can be a million different things! i've posted (i think) two different smut scenes (stay another day or two, hope it helps), and i'm currently writing it for pins and screws lol so i've been getting a lot of practice. i don't think i'm particularly good at smut yet, but i got some ideas that could help and looked through my work to get examples because i don't know if i'm very good at explaining myself.

the most important thing to remember is that real life sex isn't cinematic! it's never going to be perfect, so your smut doesn't need to be either.

again, i'm no expert, but the things i keep in mind are:

1. is this even possible?

2. be descriptive

3. feelings feelings feelings

4. staying in character

5. preparation, consent, and aftercare

more details (and excessive use of the phrase "get hard") below

1. is this even possible?

step one! is how are they positioned/what are they doing something that can happen in real life? if character a is behind character b, can b really be tugging a’s hair? can the human body physically contort to do what you're having them do? is a penis ever actually that big? would putting an item of that size in the average vagina be a pleasant experience? did you accidentally write a giving b a blowjob while b is facedown on the bed or under a blanket? IS THERE A FLARED BASE ON THAT THING UP THEIR ASS??

2. be descriptive

if you're having trouble padding out the smut scenes, be descriptive! you don't have to get into graphic detail about the physical acts, but you can describe other things. taking off each other's clothes doesn't have to be one sentence out of an entire sex scene! i tend to focus more on the parts of sex that aren't explicit if that makes sense? i don't go into graphic detail about ✨the moment of insertion✨ or anything, i usually prefer to not describe that actually, but i'll talk in depth about undressing, kissing, touching, etc.

when it comes to descriptions, there's a difference between "god i'm so horny i'm so fucking horny for you harry styles i have morning wood sooooo bad i'm so gay and married and horny about it" and "waking up beside you i'm a loaded gun i can't contain this anymore i'm all yours i've got no control". thank you louis tomlinson for this metaphor! metaphors are your friend here, but not everything needs to be metaphoric. sometimes your loaded gun really is just an erection 😔

examples:

i could have written something like

"Louis helped Harry take off her dress, kissing her skin as it was revealed. The dress was on the ground at her feet, and the touch of Louis' lips against the front of Harry's briefs made blood rush down to her cock."

we all know h is getting a hard on, so there's no need to come out and say it. imply it by describing the other bodily reactions.

"Louis helped to slide [the dress] down ever so slowly, trying to regain seriousness by kissing her collarbones and the birds who flew beneath them. It was slipped off further, and Harry’s well-defined pecs received their deserved attention. Lower, her ribcage. Lower, her stomach. Even lower, those ferns…and then blue floated to the floor, pooled around her like the waves out their window while Louis practically knelt at Harry’s feet, eye level with her silky pants. He teased Harry, brushing the softest kiss against her and seeing the tiny bumps that freckled her thighs as every hair stood up, but Louis didn’t pay it any more attention as he rose up." (hope it helps, ch. 4)

---

"Louis touched Harry's body while they kissed, and he got a boner about it."

yeah that's not surprising and it's honestly understandable! where were their bodies touching? what other sensations were occurring?

"Louis’ hand trailed down the silky dress, resting on Harry’s slight curves while hers took separate paths, one up to his face while the other splayed fingers on his back to keep him in close. Long and leisurely movements of their lips were contrasted by the firm pressure of static hands on backs and waists - but when a heavy exhale from Louis was breathed into Harry’s mouth, it dragged the younger partner deeper. There was an unleashed hunger behind her movements, adding a second hand to cup Louis’ face as her teeth grazed her husband’s bottom lip. Heartbeats fluttered as their lips smacked audibly and Louis, always so easy to excite, felt his blood start to heat when Harry whispered his name under her breath. The warmth of her words floating over his lips was enough to get him going, and Harry could feel it too. She was unable to ignore the pressure against her thigh, and Louis knew exactly why her breath caught." (hope it helps, ch. 4)

3. feelings feelings feelings

we know A and B are fucking. we know this! tell us something we don't know. what are the sounds, emotions, physical feelings, scents, etc. that go along with the horny stuff? perfume/cologne, background music, panting, hot breath on their neck, body parts touching...

examples:

"pulling down Harry's briefs and watching him get hard."

obviously that's going to happen! i don't want to hear about people being hard!!

"...slipping his finger beneath the lower hem of Harry’s briefs, skin on sensitive skin adding to the ache between Harry’s thighs." (stay another day or two)

---

"Louis moaned when a love bite was sucked right next to his cock, and the pain caused him to dig his fingernails into Harry's skin. He worried his reaction hurt Harry, but it seemed like his partner was enjoying the pain."

describe how they're both giving and receiving pain. without just saying the words, how do we know louis likes it? how does louis know h likes it?

"Uninjured fingers buried in Harry’s hair, tugging it roughly as the younger man’s touch sparked electricity on his skin. An involuntary moan tore from Louis’ throat when Harry sucked a dark purple bruise on his inner thigh, so close to the sensitive skin that throbbed with desperation for the man’s hands, his lips, his anything. Louis dug his fingernails subconsciously into the skin of Harry’s shoulder, and the pretty little gasp the pain pulled from him was paired with a look from eyes that were hardly green, pupils dilated with an insatiable desire. Harry shuddered when Louis’ nails unclenched from his flesh..." (pins and screws, ch. 5 lol sneak peek)

4. stay in character

personality traits still exist in the bedroom! they can have a shift in attitude or emotion, but they're still the same characters you've been writing this whole time. remember that real life sex isn't cinematic! it can be awkward and sweaty and funny and gross - how would your characters feel about that? maybe they're getting too into it and they knock teeth when they're kissing, or one accidentally spills lube all over the other. what happens then? do they laugh it off, or are they too desperate for each other to even acknowledge that it happened?

not everyone becomes sexlord supreme once the clothes start coming off. be realistic in what you're getting your characters into. sucking dick as a concept? easy. in practice? not always. maybe they have a gag reflex or a small mouth or their jaw simply can't open far enough.

examples:

"Louis’ fingers were stuck on [a button], and he mumbled fuck between kisses, from frustration rather than arousal. Harry couldn’t choke back her quiet snort, and soon the two were both laughing harder than they had since before they’d found themselves locked down at home. Louis never let his hand leave her toned stomach as he shifted to stand behind her, and her arm twisted around awkwardly to bury in his hair because she’d be damned if her hand lost contact with her Louis. Clingy hands rested themselves all over Harry’s bare skin as they assisted in the removal, spinning his partner around so that the skirt fluttered against two sets of legs, both still giggling uncontrollably." (hope it helps, ch. 4)

and

"'Do you still hate me?'

'Never,' he breathed, running a thumb over the sensitive head of Harry's cock and revelling in the breathy sigh his touch elicited. 'You still hate me?'

'Always,' Harry teased..." (pins and screws, ch. 5)

5. preparation, consent, and aftercare

safe sex is sexy!

characters won't climb into bed and immediately be ready to dive in. there's preparation and buildup. some people who utilise the back door may want to get prepared before the fun even starts. physical and emotional foreplay is key though. talking, exploring, teasing...all the important stuff that gets your characters in the mood.

just because you know the characters are consenting doesn't mean you can't also make that clear in the work. you don't have to have them say "hello lover i want to have sex with you do you want to have sex with me?" "yes i do let's go have sex with each other together!", but things like green/yellow/red, safewords, verbal consent, etc. set a good precedent, even in established relationships. in my work, asking for permission to kiss or touch isn't always necessary given the context of their relationship and the established boundaries that exist within it. however, it's still intimate and sexy to ask. h asking if he can undress l while so obviously desperate and starving for his body is sexy, because once l says yes (and maybe he makes him wait/work for a yes)...feral harry time. it shows respect from h and opens up the opportunity for teasing, brattiness, pleading, etc. something about enthusiastic consent is just hot idk maybe that's just me

also! sex is awesome but a little nasty. kinda gross! if your characters cum, they kinda have to do something about that. not saying you have to write it, but if they fuck and then immediately go to sleep, that could be unpleasant to wake up to. you can let them show each other even more love and care by allowing them the opportunity to clean each other up, be sure they're both fully satisfied and comfortable, etc.

[chronicallyillphoenix]

My psych says that i am emotionally dissociated and this is the reason that in the past 6+ months i have actually felt a single emotion. The rest of the time i feel nothing. Absolute apathy. I get physical sensations of emotions (like tight chest when i would usually feel anxious, widespread tension/pain when i would feel angry, sinking chest and nausea when i would usually feel sad) but i dont actually *feel* the emotions. I have been explaining it like how it feels when getting a cavity fixed, the dentist numbs up the tooth so you dont feel the actual pain, but you still experience the physical sensations like the vibrations, smell, and scraping. She says its because i am still living with my ex and even tho we are friends, i still havent been given the chance to step back and actually let myself process all of my feelings.

Thats probably one of the reasons i am just now realizing im probably really depressed. Which would make A LOT of sense given a lot of the things that have happened in the past 6 months. Like. I broke up with my fiance the same day i got the money for a deposit for a wedding venue, i have lost not one, but three of my cats. And i never got to tell any of them bye because they live with my parents and even tho i didnt want them living outside, i didnt get a voice in the matter since i no longer lived there and the house went from my 2 parents, to 4 adults and a baby and they just didnt have room. Two of them were just really old and we think they did the animal thing and just went off somewhere to die alone and it *hurts* because the first one to go was my favorite because of how sweet he was and who i always slept with in my arms when i would visit (i have struggled so hard to spend the night there with him gone). But once he was gone the other two were gone within the next two months and none of them were expected (like we knew bandit and bunnie were old but we expected to them to pass away inside the cat pen where they stayed every night like every barn cat before them had and that way we could bury them up on the hill, but it didnt turn out that way). I have also developed more concerning health symptoms and have gotten no answers to them. And now my mom has broken her shoulder and isnt going to be able to work for the next 3 months and even tho shes getting workers comp, her pay is significantly less and shes my sole source of income right now. And so i am always already feeling guilty about spending any money but now i feel worse about it and am having panic attacks because i got fast food once this week because i was flaring too bad to make anything myself even tho my mom gives me money *specifically* so i can get food and stuff when i am in a flare.

But yeah i have realized i am almost certainly depressed and the funny thing is that the way i realized this was a tumblr poll. It was asking what peoples hobbies were and i couldnt answer it because in the past year i havent really had anything hobby wise. Ive mostly stopped reading, i am not doing pour paintings, not doing my paracord stuff, and anytime i decide im going to finally start knitting i just end up picking up the yarn and staring at it for a bit before setting it back down and going back to sitting on the couch with the tv on in the background for background noise.

Im going to see my psych on wednesday and i hope to talk to her about this but i also dont know what there is to do about it. Probably raise my antidepressant but idk. Im not even sad so i dont see the point in raising my antidepressant because idk what being not depressed would change because were pretty sure the apathy is because of current circumstances and not just because of depression idk. I just want everything to be normal again

[winniecouture]

Picking the best wedding dress is a big choice for a bride and it's not always simple. Finding a dress that makes you feel like royalty can be hard with so many styles to choose from and lots of choices. But don't worry, we are here to help you! In this article, we will look at the newest styles in wedding dresses and give you useful advice to help you find your perfect gown. If you like old style clothes or modern looks, we will explain the best styles that are popular in bridal fashion. We will talk about different styles and shapes of clothes that are popular now, including simple beauty to big sleeves and bold cuts. These designs catch people's attention. So, if you want to start looking for the best dress for your wedding, read on. This will give you all the ideas and help needed about finding it right way. Your dream dress awaits!

Current Wedding Dress Trends

Wedding dress fashions change all the time. It's important to know what's new so you can pick a dress that suits your likes and matches with how your big day will look like. This year, several fun new trends have made a big splash in the world of bridal fashion.

One popular style now is simple and classy. Now, clean lines, simple shapes and small details are very popular. Women getting married are choosing simple, elegant dresses that give off a classic look. These dresses usually use fancy clothes like silk or satin, and the priority is on perfect stitching and skill.

Statement sleeves are also a well-liked fashion trend. If it's big puffed sleeves, bishop sleeves or big bell-shaped ones then this style makes any bridal gown more fancy and romantic. Big arm sleeves can change a simple dress into something special and are great for brides who want to show off their style.

For the girls who like to show their fun style, big cutouts and low-cut tops are a fashion trend they should think about. These daring design parts make old-fashioned wedding dresses look sexy and modern. Using well-placed holes or low V lines, these features will surely catch people's attention and leave a lasting mark.

Finally, wedding dresses inspired by boho style are still very popular. Soft, pleasant fabrics, delicate lace and light details make a fun and loving look just right for outdoor or beach weddings. Boho dresses usually have fancy stitching, see-through parts and flower decorations. They add a feel of free spirit style to your wedding day.

Things to Keep in Mind When Picking a Wedding Dress:

It's fun to stay up with the newest styles, but don't forget that not all looks will fit every bride. When picking your wedding dress, think about some things to make sure you find a pretty and comfy gown for your big day.

First, think about the shape of your body. Each bride is special and different shapes look better on various body types. For example, if you have an hourglass-shaped body the mermaid dress or fit-and-flare dress will show off your curves. If you have a body that is shaped like a pear, wear an A-line dress with a tight bodice and flowing skirt. This will make your size look more even. Knowing what body type you have and picking a dress that suits it will make you look nice. It'll match up well with the rest of your outfit too.

Also, think about where your wedding will be and the general feel or style of it. If you're getting married and it is a fancy wedding with people wearing black-tie clothes, then choosing an elegant dress that has lots of details plus a long train might be great for you. For a wedding on the beach, you should wear an easy-to-move dress that lets you have fun and feels good in the wind. Make your dress match the place and event so you can make a pretty wedding look.

One more thing to think about is your own style. Your wedding dress should show your unique style and how you want to look on this big day. If you are a classic bride, then maybe old style designs that have straight lines and traditional decorations will be your choices. However, if you are daring and into fashion trends, maybe you would choose a special dress that displays your character. Don't be scared to show off your personal style when picking out a wedding dress.

Body Shapes and the Best Wedding Dress Outline

When you are picking the best shape for your unique wedding dress to match how you look, knowing what looks good on different body types can make a big change. In this section, we will look at some popular body shapes and the outlines that suit each type best.

Hourglass Figure: If you have a shape like an hourglass with clear lines, you'll want to show off your waist and make your curves stand out. A mermaid or fit-and-flare shape is great for showing off your body. These clothing styles wrap around your body from the waist to about halfway down your legs, then spread out wide. This gives a big and girly appearance.

Pear-Shaped Figure: For people who have a pear-shaped body, where the hips are wider than their shoulders, an A-line shape is perfect. The tailored bodice will make your waist stand out, while the big skirt will even out how you look. Think about wearing dresses with adorned chest parts or unique necklines to bring focus upwards.

Apple-Shaped Figure: If you are like an apple body with a bigger middle part, empire waist dress is good to wear. The high waistline and long skirt will make you look good in a way that makes your body seem longer. Search for dresses with waistlines at the top and stay away from tight styles that focus on middle part.

Straight Figure: If you have a simple shape with little curves, you can make it look like there are more by choosing the right dress style. A dress that hugs the body is a good choice for looking slim and classy. Consider

[bonefall]

In the rewrite, why did StarClan want Squirrel and Bramble to be together? 

@halogenwarrior

Probably out of some hope that he would keep the naturally rebellious Squilf in check, and that she would be too focused on her relationship to him to help Leafpool with the kittens StarClan was fearing the arrival of.

Canon's "bramble matches squilfs fire and doesn't contain it" is laughable because the books show the exact opposite. He's constantly annoyed or angry with her, shouting her down for defying him and trying to punish her. It makes more sense that StarClan knows she is a wildcard and wants to keep her in check.

Somehow Ashfur is going to learn of this "Fire and Tiger" prophecy and interpret it to mean that BrambleSquirrel is going to destroy ThunderClan... on top of his possessiveness.

I wonder if her being intersex means that cats were under the impression that she couldn't carry a child to term so there wasn't much suspicion on her, when ironically that was Squirrelflight and not her.

@halogenwarrior

It would make sense, especially if it ends up being the feline equivalent of PCOS. While people with PCOS can carry to term, it's risky and difficult. Conception is hard and miscarriages are common.

Not to mention that one of its common symptoms is weight gain, if Leafpool is naturally fat and has hormone issues, it really wouldn't be a huge stretch for a clanmate to believe that her pregnancy was a "flare up" if Leafpool explained it like that.

After all, they are not medically trained. Brightheart would be the only clanmate who could question that, and she's not a snitch.

How are you going to handle her relationship with Jayfeather in the rewrite? I think they are interesting in canon, the way Leafpool is stereotyped as gentle but sometimes gets exasperated with him after everything, how they both handle fate and StarClan, Jayfeather's complicated feelings about her... but if Jayfeather becomes a full warrior before being her apprentice we won't be able to get as much interactions between them. Will there be any way to squeeze something in?

@halogenwarrior

I think, unfortunately, sometimes interesting things have to get cut to suit the story I'm telling better. Not based on any dislike of them, but just because there's less room in a re-filled narrative

But I do want to make sure Leaf gets moments with ALL of the Three. Lionblaze especially since he's usually suuuuuper neglected in his feelings towards his mom and aunt in both canon and fanon.

So Holly and Lion are going to get the bulk of interactions with Leaf as apprentices, while Jayfang's time with Leaf is heavily concentrated in his adulthood.

also one interesting part of their dynamic is how Leafpool sometimes seems to express the ableism Jayfeather hates, i.e Jayfeather being like I can heal Cinderheart, I'm no different and Leafpool is like YOU'RE BLIND, I wonder if there's any way to keep the contrast between Jay's defiance and Leaf thinking he should give up due to his disability without keeping the weird forced medicine cat stuff.

@halogenwarrior

Something that frustrates me in-canon is exactly how much of the abelism comes from Leafpool directly; I'm not fond of how their relationship feels so fraught. Why does Jayfeather like her back if she's not the one who raised him, AND he's basically been forced under the paw of this coddling and condescending nanny?

It's no wonder to me that in-canon they barely act like more than coworkers, and Jay has learned how to just be polite towards her. Y'know?

So instead I want Jay to be interacting with her once he is an adult, and their relationship is more philosophical. They're total opposites ideologically.

Leafpool is resigned and accepting of the will of StarClan, resolute, calming in a sort of palliative way. "We can't alter the course of the future but we can comfort each other in the present. In this way, it's truly the past that we can change, writing the record with our actions every day."

Starspunch Georgfeather who manhandles StarClan 10,000 times a day: "If god is a second late when i call for him im going to alter his face"

So instead, the Raw Abelism comes from a mixture of different cats in ThunderClan. Firestar, Brackenfur, and Mousefur are some of them (ironic since Brackenfur trained Whitewing, but being good on one issue doesn't make you good on all of them).

Jaypaw and his mentor Longtail will be contending with SEVERAL different cats, and Leafpool won't be one of the main ones.

I was never able to really get a feel for Leafpool's personality in the books, especially since she's always contrasted with Squirrelflight who has a pretty consistent personality (at least for Warriors standards). She's kind of like Hollyleaf where they change her personality depending on what they want to happen in the plot I think. How do you approach writing her? I'm really fond of your Spottedleaf, so I was wonder if Leafpool has any fun quirks like her.

[ID: Leafpool from Warrior Cats. She is chunky, has a mane, and green eyes. Her stripes are horizontal.]

I approach Leafpool as being VERY tired. Her life is characterized as never really being in control of her own fate, being punished for any simple pleasures she takes tenfold, so I write her as becoming very defeatist. Poor girl.

Because Leafpool is never in REAL control, somehow, it gives her this air that she's in total control. You can't scare her. StarClan can tell her that her kids are cursed, Hollyleaf can tell her to kill herself, Bramblestar can jump in front of her and snarl, she's never more than briefly phased. "Yeah sure this may as well happen."

In a way, she's almost the total opposite of Jayfeather, who never met a rule he wasn't willing to punch. It is interesting that each one of the Three has a unique relationship to the fate that chains up Leafpool.

Allows herself to love Mothpaw... war breaks out and Moth has to return to RiverClan.

Tries to warn Squilf about Brambleclaw in spite of StarClan wanting them to be together, first fight with her sister ever.

Runs off with Crowfeather, returns home to find out her mentor died before she could say goodbye.

Gives birth, allows Squilf to take them, eventually gets threatened by Hollyleaf.

(side note: i am considering leafpool's name being an honor title, with her old name being Leafstripe, and Squirrelpaw failing two assessments just like Nightheart)

But a big change in my rewrite is that the dramatic scenes that aren't consistent with that resigned sorrow go to Crowfeather. He's a complete and utter ham. Leafpool isn't out here trying to name Hollykit 'Crowkit' or confessing her unwavering love for him in front of his wife and child, THAT is Crowfeather making an ass of HIMSELF in front of that wife and child lmao.

Leaf's feelings are more complicated and repressed. Hard life.

On the bright side though, there ARE changes from canon so that the Clan has more nuanced feelings about her instead of her whole life being a nonstop beatdown.

Most of ThunderClan, which heavily leans Fire Alone, agrees that Leafpool did the right thing by giving her kits to Squilf to invoke the Queen's Rights. Sure she lapsed, but Fire Alone cats are softer on the Cleric's Vow in general.

Bramblestar demoting her in Cruel Season has a VERY mixed reception. It's Leafpool!! Leafpool Moonpool!!!

Her death many years later in the Sister Raid actually tanks Bramblestar's reputation. It was seen as cruel, pointless, and avoidable, and they lost a very popular and experienced Cleric.

(side note again: still considering how the 'unclear sign' plot beat is going to go in my rewrite, because i cannot imagine jayfeather not just lying about that. "yeah yeah yeah they said yes bramblestar, im supposed to heal this cat obviously. move.")

Misc Design Stuff:

She's got a mane that you can see on Dovewing too, since Dove is Leaf's grandchild now.

Like Sandstorm, uncle Longtail, and grandpaw Runningwind, Leafpool's stripes are horizontal.

I'm still doing research into what she has specifically, but Bonefall Leafpool is intersex. Those are stud jowls.

Considering the cat version of PCOS because it explains a lot; weight gain, a receding hairline that could be shared with Lionblaze, the jowls as a facial hair parallel, difficult pregnancy, etc.

Still doing my research though.

And lastly, Mothpool is endgame in this Rewrite. They can never be together officially, but it's about the yearning. It's about finding freedom with your escapist fantasy partner or being in shackles with your true love. She chose the CHAINS.

[duhragonball]

Janwum III Update: 20,157 (FINAL)

Welp, I’m done with that. 

This just feels like every other off-season writing goal I’ve griped about, all rolled into one.  I had lofty ambitions about writing a consistent amount each day, then blew it off and rushed to finish a few days before the deadline.  Last year, I had considered doing smaller goals in shorter time frames as an exercise, but that didn’t work out for this month because I was planning to start the Apocrypha Liveblog at the same time.  I had envisioned doing one for two weeks and then switching to the other for the next two weeks, but I couldn’t decide which to do first, so here we are. 

Going forward, though, I think I ought to try something different.  I’m liveblogging stuff from now until July, and I made sure to pace myself in case I fall behind or just get fed up with the grind.  So my calendar’s got ten or twelve days each month for free time.  I could set up writing goals for each of those months.  Nano’s website lets you do that now.  If you want to do like, 6,969 words from March 21 to April 3, it’ll let you.  They don’t have to be round numbers in calendar months.

But I think that might be too rigid for me now.  What I might do instead is just set up one long writing goal across most of the year.  February 13  to July 31, let’s say, and make the target something pretty easy to hit.  That way I have some pressure to keep writing the fic, but I’m not locked into it for four days, like I have been this week.  I’m not sure what the target should be, though.  I don’t want to make it too low since that defeats the purpose, but I also don’t want to make it too high or I’ll just be doing a standard month-long goal six times in a row, which sounds like a real pain in the ass.  Well, I’ve got time to think it over.

Somehow, I gave myself tennis elbow.  This really started at the end of November, and I told myself I would rest up in December, but then I just... wrote more. And now it’s the end of January and I did more of the same.  Really, it seems to have gotten better lately, but it flared up again while I was at work, and I’m starting to think it has more to do with when I use a keyboard more than how long I’m using it.  I watched a video about stretches and exercises for tennis elbow, and one of them was a warm-up exercise you do before the stretches.  I’m thinking that this would explain why my elbow hurt so much in the morning, but seemed to get better over the course of the day.   Usually, I work on the fic at night, when I’ve probably warmed up the muscles in my forearms just from moving around over the course of the day. It’s when I spend all day typing that things can go wrong, but if I prepared ahead of time I could probably cut that off. Also, the wrist brace helped a lot, once I finally figured out that keeping my wrist straight would be helpful. 

The biggest gripe I have with this month is with the writing itself.  I managed to put out 20,000 new words, but I still haven’t wrapped up this part of the plot that I wanted to finish back in November.  I’m not sure if this part of the story is just too wordy, or if it was always supposed to be this long and I’m just now figuring that out the hard way.  Well, I’m closer than where I was before.  That’s what I have to keep telling myself.