#it's genuinely impossible for me
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Obviously I respect and love that some people are happy and proud to be trans, but I literally just cannot. Deadass impossible for me to be happy and proud to be trans, especially as a pre-everything trans dude. If there was a button I could push that would instantly make me cis (like either way. cis man or woman, I don't care, just NOT trans) then I would press it, even if it meant I would forget everything about my experience as a trans guy. I don't like being trans, in fact I hate it. I despise it, even. But the only thing worse than having to be trans would be to live in the closet and pretend to be a cis woman, so y'know...
#king posts#like I prefaced before: I love love LOVE that so many people can be happy and proud of being trans#I wish I could be like that and I have TRIED#but I just CAN'T#it's genuinely impossible for me#just knowing the fact I can NEVER be satisfied in my own body fucking crushes me#like no amount of HRT or surgery or anything available will ever make me happy in my body#the only way I would be satisfied is if I was born cis. which I was not#it SUCKS and I HATE IT
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couple of screenshots of kim’s wikipedia page that i felt so deeply in my soul
#especially that first one like#damn#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#harry du bois#it’s not fair#or easy#but it’s not entirely impossible either#it’s not much#but you have me#and if that isn’t the most kim thing i ever did hear-#i have never felt this way about a fictional character before#i’ve had favorite characters ofc#comfort characters#but this is on another level#they did such a fantastic job creating kim it genuinely leaves me speechless sometimes#i mull it over in the shower and it’s always so impressive thinking back#his characterization is something i could only ever dream of coming close to#i love disco elysium#it changed my life
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have i ever... shown this one... i dont rember... but its the silly...
#art#obey me#obey me mammon#i genuinely cant remember if i posted it on my other blog LMAO#oh well! here's the birthday doodle.#mammon is almost always guaranteed to have one as long as im still into om#bc his birthday is impossible to forget#for me anyway 😭#sigh he's such a guy
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Delighted to discover that the way shadow unlocks new abilities in sxsg is a perfect parallel of the pringles iron maiden
#fr the genuine unhappiness of those cutscenes paired with the 'yahoo!' energy of the unlock Kills me each time#rewatched a few of them to get a ref of that weird gear thing and realized they actually made unique character animations for each one#like I thought they were just reusing shadow writhing in agony every time but No they did a Whole New Thing each go around!#I respect the dedication to making unique iterations of one guy having a very not good time#sxsg#shadow#shadow the hedgehog#sonic x shadow generations#I don't thiiink this counts as a spoiler? cause most of those cutscenes were already shared in trailers?#lmk if i'm off base there#doodles#my art#comic#anyways the pringles iron maiden kills me again like it's impossible for that dialogue to not be fucking hilarious#i'll probably reblog the ling one tomorrow it's still one of my favorite things i've ever drawn lmfao#the 'SHIT FUCKING HELL!!!' always gets me#slowly figuring out how to draw this guy#these games have a very unique style especially for the eyes and mouths that's a bit of a trick to get used to
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"oh please purchase the movies/shows you've been pirating uwu face"
how. where. where am i supposed to purchase movies/shows that do not ever get physical releases because streaming services would rather you pay to access them only to completely remove them on a whim?
piracy is media preservation and I'll die on this hill
#One's Notebook#genuinely where am i supposed to buy some of the things i watch#most of them have no physical release to purchase#and some of them that do only have region locked releases so they're obviously not meant for me without doing more unintended cracking#and others are locked behind paywalls streaming wants you to pay so they can bankrupt everyone in their impossible ploy to make profit#i'm not paying 14.99 a month to watch one or two shows every 6 months that's ridiculous to even ask that#and anyone who thinks this is fine is a fuckign brown nose boot licker#because you can't JUST pay 14.99 for one service#you have to pay 14.99 for EVERY service on the off chance you want to watch something
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i wish i had a purpose in life and a supportive network of friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#to genuinely have that would change everything and im just letting go of the dream bc the more i think#about how impossible it is the more miserable i am and btw it is impossible for me i have tried#and tried and tried and tried and i am just too neurodivergent and broke to sustain relationships or goals in life. so yeah#it's truly miserable
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FLUFFY GUY HAS MADE HIS FIRST ORBIT OF THE SUN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEPLER! 🎉🔭💫
#from wee little bean to giant fuzzy honse#i cant believe my baby boy has grown up so fast 😭#i am so so glad i ended up with him. i didnt even have a lot in mind besides 'i want a boy collie' but he's so absurdly gd charming#he genuinely is friends with everyone. cats dogs people kids. impossible not to love#the first day i brought him home he was in the yard exploring and i said 'yay good boy whos a good boy' etc#and i just suddenly started sobbing bc i hadnt said those words in so long and i didnt realize until then when the last time i'd said them#and he just kind of looked at me like. :) 'hi im babey :)'#and that was when it was really like. yeah actually i think i am going to be ok#love you buddy ❤️ here's to a lifetime of adventures together#pls stop peeing in my house
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something something spy au something something
#landoscar#twinklaren#mctwinks#please walk with me guys genuinely think about them in a mission impossible-esque story
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Time and Time Again comes back tonight!
Thank you all for being so patient with me, I know it was a long hiatus.
My health was struggling, my arm was (is) hurting, and I decided it wasn't worth it. I'd rather be slow!
So thank you for giving me that grace, and I hope you'll be there with me for the rest of the series.
#like straight up. it's not worth it. idc how many people get mad at me#i would rather work fuckin. anything else than maintain this impossible schedule and keep hurting myself#if thats what it takes to do comics full time. then i can't do comics full time. simple as that!#i hope that for my next work i can have a healthier schedule and still make this work as my job#but if not. I'm never going back#i can't do it. 3 more years at this pace will take my ability to draw#anyways. its really good!!!#like genuinely i can feel a marked improvement in my skills#which is WILD!!! And I'm extremely happy about that!!!#just one more step into being better built to give people the quality stories they deserve.#ive not properly had the fire under my ass to finish stuff up but. its fine.#like i said? not worth it.#if i have to pause again then ill pause again. like i literally simply can not my body can't handle it#so. hopefully stuff goes smoothly but whatever happens will happen#whatever will be will be#i keep getting distracted lmfao#im excited about it coming back#and also. will. probably be distracting myself...#other creators dont read their comments. I'm like straight up not capable of that LMAOOO#i check for comments like all the time#love seeing em. love reading people's thoughts about my work#it makes me a better writer and keeps me connected to what matters most. which is my audience!#so i dont regret doing that but also. jts extremely distracting#i get straight up nothing done on big update days#cause im in the comments absolutely massive eyed refreshing.#this sounds obsessive. and it is. no jk#its just fun and keeps me in touch w peoples perception which helps me learn to write better#plus people are nice and ask me questions that i wanna answer#or if someone is being an ass. then i wanna tell them to leave (cause i cant block people) cause i consider it my responsibility#time and time again
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My jewish community, friends, rabbi, and educators: We are very invested in helping you be jewish. Do you want to help read the haftarah? Here's a chanukiah! You can have it!! Borrow these books! Here's some books! You need more books... Come to pesach! Come to the chanukah party! When are your classes done? We need a minyan for once!
Me and my 50000 IQ: What if I am Secretly Appropriating judaism? What if I am doing a Cultural Appropriation........
#jumblr#jew by choice#jewish conversion#personal thoughts tag#there comes a point where your concerns about if you are an Appropriative Cultural Appropriator hinders your jewish journey#i think a comforting thing is knowing that my incessant fear about this is confirmation that i love judaism#i love it with my heart and soul and (i feel) i'd be a less realized person without it#and i think people who genuinely engage in cultural appropriation just Do Not Care about the cultures they appropriate from#they don't love the culture enough to respect it and that is a big reason that it even IS appropriation#especially when jewish people are INVITING you to do things... it's not appropriation#i dunno last night i was feeling very anxious about lighting the chanukiah candles because i'm alone#but i've also lit shabbos candles. and it's just like... why would i choose not to engage in this when one day i will have to?#this time next year i will have to light candles. as a jew. and if i have no clue how to do it myself then i'll just avoid it#plus... i love my chanukiah and i want to use it. it is currently decorating my room because i love it#i hope they'll let me take pictures of all the chanukiah that'll be at the party#i'm sure they will because they're very open and they are very accommodating. in fact i'm bringing my clarinet too#i haven't touched that thing in well over four years 😭#but jewish music without a clarinet is like a body with no soul. it's impossible. it is not what g-d wants i think.#i just hope my ability to play by ear hasn't been affected by my lack of playing. i don't have perfect pitch tbc#but i fully believe you can know your instrument so well that you develop an ear for perfect pitch#in fact... i refused to memorize my marching band music because i DID develop that 'perfect pitch' ear. that's my dirty secret#i didn't practice in part because i can't have a space where noone could hear me practice and it's embarrassing and private to me#literally EVERY jew in my life has been almost TOO ecstatic about my jewish journey. i'm very thankful for it#i guess i just didn't think i deserved to have people as happy about me being in judaism as i am#so to be clear this is my brain being rude and dumb. this anxiety has NEVER been reinforced by anyone but myself#so i take full responsibility for it. but i think that anxiety is something many/most converts/jews-in-progress feel
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The dissonance between era inspiration in ACoTaR is one of the more brushed over flaws in the book series. Looking at the Inner Circle's fashion alone, we jump between "literal scraps of fabric" (Under the Mountain, Court of Nightmares) to "orientalist painter's imaginings of the Ottoman Harem" (clothing described during Feyre's first few visits to the Night Court) to "modern 'corset' dress" (Feyre's Starfall dress, majority of Mor's clothing, most of the clothes drawn in fan art) to "modern -- almost sci-fi style -- skin-tight leather armor" to "sweater and leggings combo".
Then, between courts, we have Helion wearing Spirit Halloween's take on the ancient Grecian tunic; Feyre's Spring Court wedding dress looking like an 1830s fashion plate; and Dawn heavily implied to have traditional East Asain clothing (e.g. kimono, hanfu, hanbok).
On top of all of that, some of the Dawn Court's small cities ". . . specialized in tinkering and clockwork and clever things. . ." which -- combined with Lucien's metal eye and Nuan's mechanical hand -- implies a sort of post-industrial revolution time period. However, a decent chunk of the fandom says that ACoTaR is medieval; which, yeah, it's medieval themed in the first book -- sans the "dress" Rhysand forces Feyre to wear UTM.
The wild inconsistencies in ACoTaR's inspiration leads, not to a rich and diverse world, but a world that seems ramshackle and haphazard -- like it's creator simply threw together a board on Pinterest and called it a day. This is a major part of why the world building is so abysmal, it relies on convenience to the plot and whatever pleases the aesthetic whims of the author. Cultures deemed "pretty" or "badass" are thrown together, irregardless of how far apart they actually are. This is not only disrespectful to the narrative, but to the readers and the cultures used as inspiration.
All of this to say: Sarah J Maas is a bad author, not just because of the way she handles serious topics like power dynamics and abuse, but also because she cannot put together a world that is even the slightest bit cohesive.
#anti sjm#acotar#acosf#acowar#acomaf#anti acosf#anti acomaf#anti acowar#genuinely begging authors to care the slightest bit about the worlds they put their characters in#other people have said this before: SJM writes acotar like its a wattpad fan fiction#dont even get me started about the magic system#fym 'most powerful high lord' WE DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT HE CAN DO#truth#are you kidding?#there are at least seven different types of truth magic#and whats going on with magic items?#like#am I supposed to just believe that theres this magical birth control thats 100% effective when Feyre cant get a c-section???#the impossibility of a c-section contradicts Feyre's magic
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This is so shanks coded to me. Like he just keeps losing people and he never learns how to deal with it. So much so that he becomes the abandoning parent. He literally knows nothing else all he has as a frame of reference is all the adult figures in his life leaving him and telling him it is for the best. So why exactly wouldn’t he believe that the best way to love someone is by letting go?
He does it to Luffy, he does it to Uta and in some ways he does it to Buggy and Mihawk too. Because he never just asks them to stay. He lets Buggy run out of his life even though it was pretty obvious that Buggy wanted Shanks to fight for this to take a stand a real one on a conviction for once and he…doesn’t, he just lets buggy leave.
And then he hitches his wagon to the most flighty (dude is literally a bird motif 😭) mother fucker he can find. he lets Mihawk wander in and out of his life as he pleases regardless of what is best for either of them. Because maybe Mihawk has nothing better to do 👀. Maybe he would say yes now if Shanks asks. but Shanks would rather die than ask, would cut off his other arm before he even attempted to “clip Mihawk’s wings”
And that’s like the truth of it. Shanks has been abandoned by every person that has ever loved him besides his crew and he knows they will never leave him. But Maybe he just wants someone to stay not because they call him captain.
#shanks is the quintessential abandoned child syndrome#that grows into the leave them before they can leave you adult#except he does it in a nice way and because he does genuinely think he is helping them make the best decisions for their lives#which as shown with uta and Luffy is a pretty big hit or a disastrous miss#you can pry shanks and his abandonment issues out of my cold dead hands#honestly this is kind of#shuggy#because I do think Buggy wanted shanks to put up more of a fight to keep them together#the same way he wanted him to go after the one piece#buggy and shanks arrested development at 15#mishanks#shanks and his abandonment issues entering a bar and choosing to attach himself to the one person most likely to just up and leave at dawn#is so funny to me#because truly that is such a daddy issues move 😭#but honestly maybe I do think Mihawk would have agreeded (petulantly maybe) if Shanks had just asked#Hell he’s in cross guild and all crocodile had to do was make a phone call#but they also have the divorce that Mihawk’s not completely over which complicates things#god I need to see the interact in canon 😭#shanks unable to form a stable relationship with someone he didn’t adopt into his crew challenge impossible#buggy the clown#shanks#red haired pirates#red haired shanks#red hair shanks#akagami no shanks#mihawk and shanks#buggy x shanks#uta one piece#monkey d. luffy#one piece
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Ah yes, another reminder that Ivan suffered from the beginning of his life to the very end of it and was never loved and always felt alone and never felt worthy of anything cAN WE PLEASE TAKE A BREAK DEAR GOD
#being an ivan stan is the hardest thing to do in this fandom and i am NOT JOKING#it’s so fucking difficult not to just cry after every new thing you learn about him because it’s all so depressing#putting ivan up on a high shelf until vivimeng calm the fuck down#nowhere is a lovely song but DAMN#WE GET IT#HE LIVED AND DIED A SAD PUPPY IN A WET CARDBOARD BOX#ENOUGH!!!#sorry guys i’m just feeling a lot about ivan rn#he really thought he wasn’t worthy of love or care and that genuinely makes me ill#might delete later#if it feels too whiny#idk idk#vant put the phone down i beg#alien stage#alnst#alien stage ivan#alnst ivan#ivanttakethis shut up about ivan challenge: impossible#ivanttakethis talks too much
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I've lived different lives
The Shinichi-POV AMV I edited to pair with my Heiji-POV AMV for COMPASS: A HeiShin Anthology, which you can download for free and read all about @haidocityzines!
Like Heiji's video, Shinichi's also uses a song by Fly By Midnight, "Different Lives," which took all of one listen for me to want to make a HeiShin AMV set to it. The zine includes a short essay with more details and thoughts, but to expand a little, in the time since I finished this video, I've written about what I think would be "the most narratively tragic ending for HeiShin," arguing that it would be either of them dying:
Shinichi becomes Conan because he does not rely on others or ask for help. (After all, if he trusted Ran to follow Vodka with him, there’s no way events would have carried out like they do.) Through being Conan, he’s somewhat forced to rely on others and ask for help, but when it comes to Heiji, it’s really a choice. He wants to investigate cases together. He wants Heiji to help him. So, if Heiji were to die in a case or in the fight against the Black Organization, I could see Shinichi falling back into his pre-Conan days. Relying on Heiji and trusting him got him killed. It’s better to do things alone, to not let anyone in. The progress Shinichi’s made throughout the series would be undone.
And that's something I was going for with the video, too. Shinichi is terrified of losing his loved ones, but there's a different level of terrified when it comes to losing Heiji. Because Heiji is someone he trusts. Heiji is someone he lets in. To lose that would be debilitating. Render him hopeless.
Because that's another thing about Heiji: he's hope. His alcohol (Episodes 48-49) serves as the first cure to APTX 4869. It gives Shinichi, literally, the first taste of victory—of undoing the poison, of taking the Organization down. Shinichi's life was so different before Heiji, and to be left without him... that's unfathomable. Terrifying.
Ramblings aside, this AMV can also be viewed on YouTube, in full 1080p and with optional subtitles, here!
#fancam friday!#detective conan#case closed#shinichi kudo#heiji hattori#conan edogawa#heishin#compassheishinanthology#amv#my amvs#video#eye strain#long post#ramblings#funimation english dub script#note that this *does* have an illegal english dub name#which i used to try to cut out of my amvs but i just can't anymore i'm sorry ^^; have at least one wip with more of that rn#i really could talk forever about them though haha i have so many thoughts#like i think there's also something about the terror of realizing you're in love with someone when being together is currently impossible#and potentially *always* impossible#they're so tragic but also i think genuinely good for each other and i just love them so much#really sad i didn't finish another essay about them for the zine! but maybe someday....#in any case source list is on youtube! special thanks to astravis as always for that film dust overlay <3 loove me those vhs effects#(with real vhs footage for a lot of it!)
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I think the fact that we had two high profile actors have to take a step back from BL due to mental health issues in the last year alone and total 4 (krist james jimmy and chimon but also saint stepped back to bts and up also went that route before slowly dipping his feet back in) since I’ve gotten into this fandom should be an indicator that company’s need to be doing less not more.
Literally saw a fan complaining yesterday that FIRST KANAPHAN was being unfairly treated because he wasn’t getting enough work 😭😭😭 that man is literally never off my timeline how much more can he even work without dying?
When a company is doing 4 re-runs their teams are likely running on fumes and in a talent/ creator based industry you can’t just scale up endlessly resources are not unlimited. And sorry I took that so goddamn personally but burnout =/= incompetent.
They can’t just hire any fresh grad and expect them to work at the pace that the company needs them to. Even if they have talent they need to be trained and invested in and this has to happen at every level of production. There’s even a show coming out about it right now as we speak. I’m begging people to just open up a map of Thailand and realize just how small a country it is.
I can’t stand twitter because it’s an endless barrage of fans demanding demanding demanding for unreasonable things. Tumblr is my escape from that hustle and grind culture. And somehow we’ve managed to import that here.
I have the ability to mass block if I need to but also does anyone here have the ability to just chill the fuck out for a second. Like we have to be honest with ourselves here: I’m *not* a GMM fangirl you guys are just acting bananas.
#but having said that please give Podd more work#he seemed so genuinely happy to be included in all the wandee goodday promo#even though he played an antagonistic character#gmmtv#anyone who wants to argue with me about this is encouraged to block me#like that’s why I made the post#do it or come argue with me and I’ll do it jfc#y’all have made it impossible for me to watch 4 minutes because I can’t share it with anyone#everyone is being insane#when Twitter is more fun than tumblr you know something’s gotta change abt your dash
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One thing I'll always find funny is Tobirama trying to make this random plea for the democratic process to keep Madara (and the Uchiha) out of power due to his own prejudiced fears.
And then doing an absolute 180 on all that when he's in power so he can self-select and field promote his own student (but of course not Kagami 'one of the good ones' Uchiha lol).
Where did all that talk about public discourse and democracy go, king? Think of the social contract, Tobirama! The separation of powers!
#Tobirama Senju#anti tobirama#Hiruzen Sarutobi#anti konoha#naruto founders#naruto#not serious#Also 'hashirama grow a spine when calling out your racist brother challenge' level: impossible ...#Democracy was deadass a one-time excuse for Tobirama to justify his prejudices; he did NOT believe in that shit when it didn't benefit lol.#And democracy doesn't even work in this universe because their governance only 'exists' because the feudal oligarchs (daimyo) permit it to.#OR did they honestly try democracy Tobirama's way only for the daimyo to shut that down so now it's this undemocratic appointed by the -#- current Hokage then 'approved' by daimyo set-up? Much to contemplate.#Not to grant Tobirama anything here but the analyst in me does need to caveat that TECHNICALLY in the first panel they're in peace vs the -#- second... but like we know the Leaf doesn't do democracy lol they just groom Senju-approved 'Will-of-Fire' bootlickers for the job.#Unironically if we take 1st panel genuinely I think Tobirama might actually agree -#- with a lot of Enlightment thinkers but he'd still disagree in so many other ways haha.#Could be a fun future essay idea - especially wrt how the principles of democracy can be violated and corrupted.#Also this isn't entirely serious because I do think it's funny and characters can (and should in some cases) be hypocritical for the pur-#-pose of storytelling. Just fyi.#Hashirama Senju#I'm sorry you caught a stray in my tags Hashirama lol.
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