#the only way I would be satisfied is if I was born cis. which I was not

[kanguin]

I just cannot get over how ridiculous this whole situation is, so I adapted my words from a comment for this reblog.

The executive order that defined the sexes decided to do so based on reproductive cells the person, at conception, would have. Except... everyone develops cis female anatomy for the first month and a half before differentiation occurs (or doesn't occur). Therefore, at conception everyone is and will be female, by their definition, for at least 6 more weeks.

While you can argue about Chromosomes and I can refer to the Androgen Insensitivity and De La Chapelle syndromes, they didn't even specify chromosomes, the written word was entirely about gamete size. Which would also work as an argument... if it weren't for the fact that they defined it as gametes produced at conception, despite literally no organism having even developed past a clump of undifferentiated stem cells at that point.

The official declaration of The Two Sexes is completely ignorant of the science of human development to a laughable degree. Not only is it trying to assert life beginning at conception, which has no scientific basis since vital signs such as heartbeat and brain activity don't show up until months in, nor can developing humans can't even function as independent organizms until 26-29 weeks in, but it also tries to assert an immutability of innate sex at a point in development before any sex-determining characteristics develop.

It's all so laughably ignorant until you realize these people don't care about science. If they cared about the truth of the nature of humanity, they wouldn't be arguing these things, because you can't define all humans into two categories based on anything, everything exists on a gradient. Chromosomes aren't a hard and fast predictor of sex, nor are reproductive cells. Some people are born sterile or without any fully developed reproductive organs. Some are born with completely normal anatomy, but for someone with a different set of chromosomes. Some people are born one way, and then go through a completely different puberty than expected. It's messy and there's millions of people born each year that don't sort cleanly.

But these people don't care about that, they just hate trans people and don't believe intersex people exist. I highly doubt they'll fix this "mistake", because to them, the exact wording and fine details don't matter. They did it, they defined two sexes in a way that's satisfying to most ignorant people, and they'll use this to justify everything that follows. What that will be... Well we're in the "wait" part of "wait and see" right now.

in a rare moment of current events levity, Trump's attempt to declare that ~there are only two genders~ defines gender as the sex you are "at conception"

except

everyone's female at conception

fetuses that will become AMAB don't do that until a few weeks in

so by their own logic, all the conservative shitbags just declared themselves women

EDIT: yes I know the "conception" thing is to play into anti-choice "life begins at conception" ideas. but damnit, I have to live in this world, so I'm still going to chuckle at deeply misogynistic and transphobic men accidentally making themselves officially female. god knows we need the laughs where we can get them right now

[king-of-havoc]

Fucking

Listen

Obviously I respect and love that some people are happy and proud to be trans, but I literally just cannot. Deadass impossible for me to be happy and proud to be trans, especially as a pre-everything trans dude. If there was a button I could push that would instantly make me cis (like either way. cis man or woman, I don't care, just NOT trans) then I would press it, even if it meant I would forget everything about my experience as a trans guy. I don't like being trans, in fact I hate it. I despise it, even. But the only thing worse than having to be trans would be to live in the closet and pretend to be a cis woman, so y'know...

[oq-der-na-telha]

Incredibox oc bio/Story

(I think it will be a little long)

((sensitive topics warning(?))

—Kahunna Kai (Alexander Agan)

((obs: He's a villain so-))

(I'm proud of what I've evolved in polo edits lololol)

Initially, I would have to tell the story of Alexander, before his death

(thats is him ↓)

Alexander was born in 1844 in France in a middle class family with his mother's and three siblings, He being the youngest in the middle, Before he died he was 24-25 years old.

Alexander has always had a tendency to be a bit sadistic and aggressive, Theories suggest that he is like this because of the abuse he suffered from his mother when he was a boy. He always had a strange behavior, sometimes appearing to be insane.

Many people of his time thought he was the murderer and rapist who was on the loose at the time, And indeed, they were right, Alexander used to hunt younger men or men his own age to rape and kill them, He did this for years until he was caught killing a man by a woman called "Mary Cristiane Pierre", who was a not-so-close "friend" of his (Not so close friend because he hated her because she was a lesbian and married to a trans woman), When she caught him, he obviously tried to kill her, but failing, she ran, but unfortunately for her, she took him to her own home accidentally, So since Alexander couldn't kill her, he killed Mary's wife, And then Mary hated Alexander for killing the love of her life, she killed him in the same way he killed her wife.

((now, Alexander died and Kahunna was born))

After his death, Lewvik himself punished him, Making Alexander look hideous like a demon, and as a bonus, God removed the demon's private parts so he couldn't rape any more people. (Yeah... now he has female parts, transmasc kahunna cannon/j)

But even that didn't stop the demon from roaming the mortal world and possessing people, As a form of revenge against Mary, he possessed her and used her body to continue doing what he always did until she got insane and committed suicide, But he still wasn't satisfied with just possessing Mary, he wanted more people...With only Mary's son left as his host, he used his body.

He went on to possess and haunt generations of Mary's family, Until present times, in which its current host is Percy Pierre

Now Kahunna's current biography

—Kahunna Kai is a demon who is currently 180 years old (Having an appearance of 27 or more), He is a gay cis man (who hates lesbian women), Currently he is weakened by his host who is an average witch

His icons and music are: Effect (probably a evil laugh or sumthin), Vocal (In demon appearance, probably whispers), Vocal (in human appearence, back vocal)

Kahunna some addictions that make him stronger, such as: alcoholism and smoking

But other things that also give it a minimum of power, such as feeding on negative energies, fear, Arguments or fights, harassment or rape, So he tries to do everything to feel stronger

I think the information is over, here are some of his arts/things:

End of the post ig- I don't know what else to write

[beta-lactam-allergic]

I find it stupid that there are arguments within the trans community to the point that we have insults like "truscum" & "tucute" inside the community.

I'm a binary transwoman & I don't get why any other binary transperson would pick on non-binary (NB) or genderfluid people. How is doing that any different from cisgender bigots picking on us? Why would we expect gender identity to be binary when sexuality is a spectrum & when BIOLOGICAL SEX IS ALSO A SPECTRUM. Seriously there are so many intersexed conditions that our binary focused society just ignores or pathologises, it's disgraceful.

I had my surgeries (FFS, trachael shave, breast implants & bottom surgery) because I wanted them but I don't expect all or even most transgender people to have surgeries.

Not everyone wants surgery. Some can fix their dysphoria by social transitioning alone. Others will use hormones without surgery (if AMAB usually also use body & facial hair removal methods like laser or electrolysis). I don't see how only needing this is any less than valid than me needing & getting the surgeries to fix it.

Of those who do want surgery, not everyone wants the full works.

Some AFAB (whether Non-binary, gender fluid or binary trans-male) only want top surgery not bottom surgery as their dysphoria is connected to their breasts. If that's all they want, than I don't see the issue.

Some AMAB (whether NB, gender-fluid or binary trans-woman) only want FFS & a trachael shave. I don't see the issue here either, tucking works perfectly well if the dysphoria isn't connected to having a dick (mine was) & all you need to do is pass. As for breasts, some people win the genetic lottery & grow C cups or D cups on hormones alone. Some are satisfied with breast forms. I was unfortunate enough to not be satisfied with breast forms & to want a B-cup whilst only having an A-cup because my genetics means that I can stuff my face with food & do no exercise without gaining much weight, which means minimal fat to redistribute.

Some people are scared of the risks of surgery. That's fine, bottom surgery is dangerous, so is FFS for that matter. I went into both knowing that, knowing the ways I could either die or be permanently impacted by a failed surgery. The surgeon I had for bottom surgery asked me if I was aware of the risks before agreeing to schedule an operation date. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't know the risks, he would've said no.

Even though my dysphoria was bad enough that I was willing to take the risk, & that risk paid off for me (I'm happy with my results & had no complications), I understand fully why some people just wouldn't take the risk. It doesn't make them less trans, it just means they prioritise decreased physical risk over increased mental comfort in their bodies.

And than many people who want surgery can't afford it. I only could because my parents allowed me to live under their roof rent free whilst I saved up for my surgeries.

To discriminate against those who can't afford it is too discriminate against our most needy, those either born to families too poor to help them or to bigoted families that kicked them out onto the streets for daring to be themselves. For someone who can afford what I got to tell those who can't afford it that they shouldn't have our support is class-based discrimination for its only an accident of birth separating us from them.

The bigots are coming for all of our heads. Gatekeeping & infighting just makes us weaker.

It doesn't matter if you are FTM, MTF, NB or fluid, if you are post-op, pre-op or non-op. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor. If you are white, black, Asian or MENA. None of this will make the bigots decide to spare you. The bigots want all of us, anyone who isn't cis, cleansed from the Earth the same way Hitler wanted a world without Jews.

The bigots won't stop until we are all dead, either by their hands or by suicide. We need to unite together amongst ourselves & with the cis allies we have or could have (& if you're in the Anglosphere, polls suggest there are more potential allies than there are bigots, even in places where the bigots currently hold the levers of power like the UK & the US South). That's how we weather this storm, that's how we win.

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

Someone made a post asking what makes you unattractive. And well... For me, that's everything.

I'm fat, hairy, short as a literal Dwarf, trans man, masculine to my death and beyond and not the slightest bit feminine, gay, stronger physically than most men.

This is all horrible because: gay men that I've met tend to go for hairless femboy twinks, of which I am nowhere near being myself nor do I desire to be any of those things. They want a partner to fetishize, who really is more of a woman than a man, and then they'll proceed to turn down actual women (both cis and trans), further proving they just want to fetishize a dude and nothing more. Additionally, men don't like to feel undermined in strength, and therefore, they don't want a dude half their size who can bridal style carry them, and be unable to do so themselves to the guy who only reaches their stomach. They don't want a man who lands every axe he throws into a target, and who can craft him an iron blade upon request. They don't want to be defended with love, they want to possess their partner and call that love.

Like, I clearly was born in the wrong time. In medieval days, I'd have thrived with crafting and fighting to defend the people and land, I'd impress men easily who were raised to admire strength rather than undermine it, and though our love wouldn't be protected by law, it would be by society who would appreciate me and my partner, whoever he would be. And that's more than I get here, in modern days, where I'm just seen as a letdown and false man born and made to be someone's fantasy that spends his life satisfying his keeper's desires.

I sincerely feel unloved romantically, and undesirable romantically. I just want to have a man who sees me as a man instead of a fetish, who sees me as I am and accepts that instead of trying to see what he wants to see and isn't really there. Some guy who will appreciate all my qualities instead of trying to change them to fit his fantasies by making me shave, lose weight, whatever. I want to take my man axe throwing and not feel bad if he loses to me. I want to take him to LARPs and go exploring in the woods where we fight together to defend each other against enemies because of genuine love for each other, not desperation of one and fetishization of another. I want to make trinkets and blades and maybe even armor if I'm risky enough, fit to him and have him appreciate what I make instead of finding it weird that I'm blacksmithing in the grand year 2024. I want him to love me for who I am how I am, as I'd do the same to him.

But in 6 years, I've yet to find a single one who sees me that way. All men see when they look at me is a fetish, a fantasy, and a sexual desire. Someone to undermine for being lesser just because he's trans.

[azragulse]

✧   ⸻   [  melisa asli pamuk,  cis female,  she/her  ]     ;     staying safe at your post in the eastern wing, aren’t you, AZRA GULSE ? though i would think that being a THIRTY TWO YEAR OLD CAPTAIN with the signet of TRACKING SENSE makes that a pretty easy task. i’m sure it helps that damryr, your female ORANGE SWORDTAIL dragon, is doing their duty patrolling our borders ! the other riders stationed at your post say you’re FORTHRIGHT and UNRELENTING traits are a real benefit, but the fact that you’re so VICIOUS and FICKLE is a real pain in the ass. does anyone else think you’re reminiscent of a wild laugh lost in the wind ; the tide breaking against rocks ; dragon claws brushing against skin or is it just that dragon of yours ? nonetheless, stay vigilant and stay alive.  

BASICS.

FULL NAME: azra gulse.

AGE: thirty two.  

PLACE OF BIRTH: navarre.

GENDER: cis female.

PRONOUNS: she/her.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: demiromantic bisexual. 

FAMILY: arda & jale gulse (parents). two unnamed younger siblings and nadir gulse.

PROFESSION: captain of the eastern wing.

SIGNET: sensory tracking

DRAGON: damryr, an orange swordtail.

INTRO.

eldest of four siblings born to a pair of dragon riders, azra always knew her fate was in the skies. being the eldest meant pressure was always high not only to succeed, but exceed. all eyes were on her to see what the next generation of gulse children would bring. azra is loyal to her family, but she is far from a nurturing older sister. her way of showing love was to teach her younger siblings to swim — by throwing them in the open ocean to see if they will sink or swim. contrary to what they might tell you, azra wasn't actually going to let them drown. probably. it was funny watching, though. and hey, they all survived so no harm done. the way azra sees it, she did them a favour. the world isn't a kind place, and coddling them will only hold her siblings back.

being the first born is a heavy responsibility, but aza thrives under the pressure. never content to be average, azra did whatever it took to rise the ranks of the riders quadrant. if that meant lying, cheating, or fighting dirty, then azra had no qualms about doing it. there is a bone deep, insatiable hunger in azra and she won't stop until she is finally satisfied. the ends justify the means and if they don't justify the means? well the means were fun so who really cares! her loyalty is first and foremost to her own and her family's survival with little consideration for others.

conscribed at age 22, because there was no way azra was going to let any of her younger siblings conscribe before her; and joined the army right after graduation because war is kind of fun? azra cares little for the moral or political justification for war, its more like look, more little people to play games with! (the game being killing/outsmarting/winning). again, ruthlessly focused on rising the ranks and is now a captain in the eastern wing. despite her fickle nature, it is a position azra takes seriously as much as she views war like a game.

bonded to a temperamental orange swordtail that burnt at least three cadets to a crisp before choosing azra. she'd 'accidentally' pushed a fellow cadet into dragon fire, piquing damryr's interest. azra developed her signet power fairly quickly. if it was too much too soon, well damryr cared little for the difference between humans. annoying, but azra could be replaced. it was a test of azra's strength, which thankfully she passed. after a decade of being bonded, azra and damryr have become quite the vicious team, known for their ruthlessness and unwillingness to leave a fight until their enemy is destroyed. you wont see them settling for surrender.

coming from a family of predators, it made sense that her signet would be sensory tracking — there is rarely a person or thing she cannot locate, making her a valuable asset to the army. she enjoys the hunt as much as she enjoys toying with her prey.

kind of chaotic feral vibes in a can and will cut your throat but in a Looks Good While Doing It way

competitive, challenging and opinionated, azra isn't afraid to say exactly what she means. bloodthirsty and vicious, azra mirrors her dragon in being temperamental, although she's not as grumpy. the cadets are fun little toys to mess with for her own amusement and has probably tried to scare a few for fun.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

ARMY COLLEAGUES: azra is a captain on the eastern wing so any fellow army people. direct reports, superiors, competitors, etc. i imagine there's a mix of people she'd love to burn to a crisp, and others she's almost friendly with or they work really well together and often pair up for missions and things. maybe someone bitter/jealous she's a captain or believes she's the worst possible person to be a captain (too bloodthirsty?)

GRADUATE CLASS: azra joined the riders quadrant around 11 years ago, so anyone who was at school with her. rivals for commanding positions, frenemies. also teachers who remember her - could love her, hate her, whatever.

TRACKING EVADER: azra's signet is sensory tracking, and I think she'd enjoy testing her ability on someone whose ability is the opposite - its a test of their individual strengths who ends up winning out. also, this goes for anyone really down to play tracking games with azra. gonna keep those skills sharp.

MENTOR/MENTEE: tbh funny if azra takes someone under her wing and corrupts them a little. equally funny if someone worse than azra does the same to her, and they're just a terrible awful combination.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS: but like. without the friends bit. just the benefits. here for a fun time but not looking for anything more.

[officialpenisenvy]

I understand your point, and I deeply empathize and relate to the way you're treated in your home country and by your own family, since I too am in a very similar situation. I personally moved to a different area of the country, which is slightly more progressive but definitely not by a lot, so I also contend with the everyday bioessentialist sexism of the heteropatriarchy as well as existing as a masculine lesbian in queer spaces.

You very correctly identify bioessentialism as a problem that invests all of society, and that ends up poisoning queer communities as well. I am very strongly opposed to any essentialist understandings of gender, be it "I have female genitalia hence I am a woman" or "I have a female soul hence I am a woman": we are the gender that we are because we feel most at ease interacting with the world as that gender, and I don't think it's worth it to investigate What is a woman or a man through pointless gender metaphysics; as such, I have definitely noticed a trend in queer spaces of adopting a sort of essentialism-lite which I am not fond of.

I think something that is worth remembering is that queer spaces exist in the context of broader society, and as such they are very vulnerable to outside influence. in a heavily bioessentialist society, as virtually all western societies are, it is sadly normal that queer spaces will be essentialist in turn one way or another: when me and my trans male friend go clubbing we both get read as "nonbinary", which itself is seen as "quirky afab", and this erases both of our gender identities and lived realities.

We live in a society that is very disrespectful and invasive about people's bodies and identities, especially those that are read as female: as such, progressive people in queer spaces are going to be similarly disrespectful and prodding, unless they make the conscious effort not to be. A mother asking her daughter when she's going to have kids and a friend insisting that a masculine woman in a queer space must be secretly a man are born from the same type of disrespect, and both are wrong behaviours, but ultimately the first example is more damaging because of how it replicates and perpetrates wider societal norms about what women must do with their bodies, whereas the second example is definitely annoying and tiresome, but ultimately does not reflect a wide societal push for cis masculine women to transition into men. This push does not exist, and nobody is successfully convincing lesbians to transition in hordes: people in queer spaces rudely speculating about your gender identity when you've already stated it are not representative of patriarchal society's bioessentialist opinion on women's bodies, and while I don't doubt you felt a curiosity or pressure to transition at some point before realizing it wasn't for you (which i have also gone through myself), the only people who have the institutional power and pressure to tell you what to do with your body are overwhelmingly not telling you to transition but to feminize yourself as much as possible.

I'm not sure how to word this, but to me this is a bit like missing the forest for the trees: bioessentialism and misogyny lie at the root of every single western society and they must be eradicated, which is something we can definitely agree on; however, I think it's pointless to get angry and frustrated at posts on the internet that are clearly targeted at trans men and their specific type of masculinity, and I think such a passion would be better served by trying to eradicate essentialist mindsets in your own queer spaces by promoting a performative understanding of gender as well as respect for people's stated identities. You're very young, as am I, but I think it's far more fruitful to try and change our real-life communities than it is to get angry at the things we see on the internet, though the latter is certainly more immediately satisfying.

[transamorousnetwork]

Why The Spectacular Baby Reindeer Is Turning People Into Stalkers

Netflix recently added a limited series that’s about as addictive as meth. Thank goodness it’s only seven episodes. In those seven episodes though, Baby Reindeer pulls back the shades on a topic that is a pariah, in some ways, to the transgender community: trans-attraction.

While doing so, the show is so freaking compelling, it’s hard not to watch all seven episodes straight through. That’s what a client did when I recommended it. “Fascinating” was all he could text after coming up for air.

In this installment of posts about this spectacular new Netflix show, I want to look more into the “fascinating” nature of Baby Reindeer. This time, though, from the perspective of why it’s become such a sensation. I’m going to examine this from the perspective of the practice I take clients through. This post will make sense with a little background on what that practice entails.

A sensation born of spiritual truth

In short, it’s a spiritual approach to making one’s dreams come true. In The Transamorous Network, however, the focus is a little more, uh, focused. We help trans community members make their relationship dreams come true. Through Positively Focused, my other practice specialty, I use the same content to assist cis people in realizing their dreams. 

Positively Focused clients tend to be very successful people who’ve realized their material success isn’t all there is to life. Many have traded their happiness for material success. That’s never satisfying in the long run.

My trans and trans-attracted clients aren’t happy either. And while they, too, eventually get to focusing on their bigger life dreams, they usually start by wanting happier love lives.

The cool thing about the practice is, not only do clients find love and happiness, but they also realize powerful spiritual accuracies; about life, about themselves and the world around them.

These accuracies explain why people find Baby Reindeer so fascinating. According to many sources, the show is a hit. Why would that be? For sure it’s well-produced, scripted and acted. But there must be more to it, because a lot of not-so-successful shows are well made.

For one, I think it’s because the Netflix series is a true story. Its creator Richard Gadd is trans-attracted. Baby Reindeer features a main character based on Gadd’s experience with a woman stalker, a male rapist, his cis-trans relationship and Gadd’s intense self-hatred which drove all of this.

But there’s more to the show than this. I think it’s this more that is making the show the sensation it is.

^^Baby Reindeer is live on Netflix. Watch it. (Screenshot from Instagram)

The power of transgender and trans-attracted people

I’ve written in this blog many, many times about the power of transgender and trans-attracted people. I write about how such people come into the world with world-changing intentions. Their intentions are part of who and what they are. And their unique perspectives are born of those intentions.

But if such people don’t fully embrace who they are, their lives reflect that. They know inside themselves that they have something powerful to share. That powerful thing is literally embodied in all that they are. If such people don’t live authentically, however, then they experience a kind of crisis. When such people try finding relief outside themselves, nearly always, that seeking amplifies the crisis.

Should they embrace all they are and express that however, they create world-changing results. Richard Gadd, the creator of Baby Reindeer is one of these people. Richard Gadd is trans-attracted.

In penning Baby Reindeer, Gadd fully embraced what he was. Expressing that, he galvanized the world around his story. That’s why this show is so sensational and turns people into binge zombies.

Wait there’s more

But there’s more than that happening. For at the same time people like Gadd speak their truth, there’s a literal massive audience waiting to hear the message. That’s what we’re seeing in the response to Baby Reindeer.

Think about it. Transgender people for decades have been asking for someone to create a show like this. A show that offers a respectful, powerful story that can “normalize” trans attraction. Trans-attracted men have been wanting that too. They may not be aware of it, but as they tell their stories of self-loathing, they create future realities wherein that self-loathing is soothed. All that energy, from both trans and trans-attracted people, doesn’t just shoot out and then go nowhere. No, it becomes stronger and stronger.

Contributing to that increasing energy are people resisting people who are transgender and trans-attracted. That’s right, those who are passing anti-transgender bills, promoting trans hate and more��all these people are contributing to the energy that will eventually result in normalization. But if the trans community resists what they see with their eyes, if they focus on all the hate, they prolong the unfolding of what’s becoming stronger and stronger.

But even that’s not a problem because their resistance, like those resisting the trans community, adds more strength to the energy trans and trans-attracted people got started. So when that energy does burst on the scene, the results are galvanizing.

That’s what we’re seeing with Baby Reindeer.

Gadd is what you’ve asked for trans women

Gadd refined his story over the years in one-man stage performances. Though he may not be able to vocalize it, I can assure you his coming to embracing all that he is, then sharing that with the world, is exactly what he came into the world to do.

And look at the results! You can bet Baby Reindeer is changing minds about a lot of things. Trans-attraction being the top of the list. Gadd’s trans attraction isn’t the center piece, which makes the show’s message about trans attraction so much more powerful. Instead, it acts under the main subject, subtly getting into the hearts and heads of those watching the show. Gadd beautifully ties in other sexual taboos, particularly pedophilia happening in the Catholic Church. In this way, his artistic statement covers so many bases, it reaches everyone who watches it.

That’s why people can’t turn away from the show. It’s just too compelling.

Finding your personal power

I assure you every trans woman and every trans-attracted guy is in the world for similar purposes. They may not all create films or stage plays, but every individual in this community enjoys the potential Gadd has expressed in the world.

If only more transgender women and trans-attracted men realized this. Imagine how much better the world would be! Instead, many such people live their lives in shame, self-loathing, or in attitudes where they believe they are victims, even though no one is ever a victim.

Gadd’s example is an example for the entire trans community. Each of us is powerful. We have the power to significantly influence the world. But if we’re living small, if we’re curmudgeon in our focus, always looking at the negatives in the world, we rob ourselves of the success, the joy and the influence we came to have.

I suggest transgender people and those who love them take the lesson Gadd’s example offers. There’s no risk in living authentically. And there’s everything to gain.

It’s worth letting Baby Reindeer turn you into a stalker. You might just find your voice, then your power.

[daffodi1]

A late night ramble I will not tag and will probably delete later

DISCLAIMER this is really just venting on my part and not meant to say anything about my views on the trans community as a whole. Please do not read it as such and if you think you are going to take it personally, please don't read it at all.

Sometimes I think the way in which I'm a man is incompatible with how the rest of the trans community (and probably even the world at large) views gender.

My story isn't one you hear often with trans men. I didn't prefer playing with trucks over dolls. I didn't like sports. I couldn't care less about cars. I was no different than any typical "girly girl". I liked making up stories with barbies. I liked wearing puffy dresses and growing out my hair. I considered myself to be a fairy princess-- my first stories were about fairies. Even as an adult, I like those things. I like to cook and sew too. My favorite things to buy are clothes and stuffed animals.

Of course, I had other interests too-- I liked to run around with my friends and pretend to be a wolf. The gory stories we played out there would have put any Game of Thrones episode to shame. That kind of thing made me look like a failure as a girl despite the rest-- those kinds of things I couldn't put aside for the sake of looking "girly". Oftentimes, when asked what made me want to be a man, I say that's what made me one. The only problem is that it's a lie.

The real reason I want to be a man is simple-- I want the body of one. I wanted the deep voice, the chiseled jawline, the flat chest and stubble. I wanted to be tall and handsome. I wanted to be a prince from a fairytale. My interests could stay-- it was purely my body (plus my pronouns and name-- though I kept my initials because I liked them) that I wanted to change. And at this point in my medical transition, I am content. It came with complications, sure: I gained a lot of weight, my hairline began receding, my acne got worse and my top surgery left me with some nerve damage and pain in my chest. But I love the way my body looks and couldn't be happier with it. I'm satisfied with how everything turned out and wouldn't go back even if someone offered me a billion dollars to do so. The thing is...

Even other queer and trans people get confused when I say I'm a man.

I wear my hair long. I wear pink, flashy clothes. I speak in a lilt. I sway my hips when I walk when I'm trying to show off for other men. (I don't paint my nails because I hate the physical feeling of it, but I would if my autism would let me do it without making my skin crawl).

People ask me a lot, "If you were going to do all of that, why didn't you just stay female?" "You would have been better just staying a woman." "You would have a better time finding a boyfriend if you were just a woman."

Would you believe me if I told you my own father only started to believe me about my gender when I told him I used to watch Yu Gi Oh on 4kids, even though I explained my physical dysphoria to him several times? Would you believe me if I said that, other than your run of the mill nerd stuff (like D&D, shounen anime, video games, etc which is rapidly coming to be considered gender neutral) I don't really have any "male" interests?

I thought people in the trans community would understand. But nigh everyone who talks about transition talks about "male/female interests". Everyone talks about the way they want to dress and gender roles. Nobody disputes my transness per se, but I get a lot of people asking if I'm really a man and if I wouldn't rather identify as some flavor of nonbinary, providing me with labels that could better explain my attitude toward gender roles.

The thing is, I don't want to be nonbinary. I want to be a man. I am a man. There is simply no room for anything else; I'm not a woman in ANY way either. Most of the time, I wish I'd just been born a cis man-- not because I hate being trans (I love being trans) but because I wish my maleness was so completely and utterly indisputable that my interests and fashion weren't even a factor in how people viewed me. That people would just say I was a queer man and chalk it up to that.

I've thought about it time and time again, and always come to the same conclusion-- it would be idiotic to label my gender differently just to make other people more comfortable. And to begin with, who made the decision to categorize the things I like as "girl things" to begin with? Why do we separate these things into "girl things" and "boy things"? Why do we continue this bad habit that was started by our oppressors in the first place?

I don't really know and never will.

I will say that if you take comfort in basing your gender on gender roles, that is fine. This isn't meant to be an attack on you. Ultimately, you are the final authority on how you get to identify. I believe that everyone can identify however they want despite how anyone else feels about it, and I'd be a massive hypocrite if I didn't.

But this IS an attack on people saying that these things make me "feminine" or "girly". This is an attack on every person, YES including other queer people, who have told me I have "feminine/female energy". This is an attack on everyone who has told me from the dawn of time that I'd be better off being a woman or nonbinary.

From the bottom of my heart, and with all the love and care and gentleness I can muster: Fuck you. Fuck you for telling me that my identity must be based on gender roles. Fuck you for making gender roles into the same cage that society made my AGAB into.

And fuck you for pretending to care about me when you say it.

[soul-dwelling-not]

Rant from a cishet person about how fucking appalling and inhumane the "you being LGBTQA+ offends me" crowd has been and continues to be...

Just now, hearing some rightwing sack of shit talking head on TV...

Or reading about corporations pulling support from LGBTQA+ people because customers are attacking employees (you protect the employees by protecting the employees, not by abandoning LGBTQA+ people--who are some of your employees!)...

It's absolutely fucking tiresome to keep hearing this inane argument: "You're not doing gay right, you're turning people away, you're making other people feel uncomfortable."

I'm not LGBTQA+. But let's not pretend that this anti-LGBTQA+ bullshit isn't also gunning for anyone who doesn't quite match this rightwing fascist movement's desire for what they consider to be an ideal man or an ideal woman. When they are attacking LGBTQA+ people, they are attacking all of us, cis and straight included, for not matching their cisheteronormative standard.

It's the same shit that has has white people like me getting called traitors to my race (yes, that has happened more than once to me) for saying Black lives matter, or that this bigoted bullshit has to stop, or that you have to dismantle the Republican Party and make sure not one of them ever can run for office again. I can be as white as white can be, and it still would never be enough for these bigots. (That's not even getting into me being Polish and Irish and having relatives not that many generations removed who were born in Poland and Ireland--and how Polish and Irish identities were only considered "white" in recent history, not that long ago.)

So, I say this as a cishet person: let people be LGBTQA+, there is no right way for someone who is LGBTQA+ to be gay or trans or bi or queer, every individual person's experience is their own, it's none of your business, please fuck off and stay silent forever.

Asking them to be more "traditional" is not the flex you think it is: so, what, you want LGBTQA+ people to be like how earlier generations of LGBTQA+ people were? What the hell, you didn't accept LGBTQA+ people back in the 80s, 70s, 60s, and so on. Or, do you mean time periods where being LGBTQA+ was not a problem, or cultures where that isn't a problem, or nations where that isn't a problem--those traditions, then? That's not what you're asking for: acting like earlier generations of LGBTQA+ people were somehow more accepted is whitewashing history, and acting like what you mean by "tradition" now has some historical source is just a lie--there was no shared tradition, it varied by time and culture and location.

And it's ignoring the reality that nothing will ever be enough for these bigots: "Thank you for caving to our demands--but we're still not satisfied, so now we are making more demands."

I have been neutral on "no kink at Pride" / "kink at Pride" discussions. Now? Now, when just having any LGBTQA+ event risks getting you getting arrested or fined because "think of the children"? Now, when "you're making me uncomfortable being gay or trans in public"? Now, when they are literally telling people they can't use the fucking bathroom?! No, have kink at Pride, have no kink at Pride, do what is correct for you, if you don't like it, just don't go.

But don't compromise on your identity or how you express yourself just because someone gets offended: that's their problem, just do what keeps you safe and lets you be you (as much of a near impossibility that is in so many parts of the world and especially right now in the US, where being who you are can indeed make you unsafe--pay attention to those travel advisories about which states and cities are not LGBTQA+-accepting).

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

anon ask about negative body image and self-loathing

Hi! I hope it’s okay to rant…I’ve never expressed this about myself aloud and your blog seems like a judgement free space.

I genuinely hate myself. like a lot. From my appearance to my personality and the way I carry myself. I’m a straight cis female and I have a certain idea of what a women should look like… and I am the complete opposite. I have the inverted triangle body shape, so like really wide shoulders, narrow hips, large breasts… which also affects my posture pretty badly. I feel so grotesque. Most times when I look in the mirror I think I look okay but whenever I see myself in a photo or a video I am so disgusted, I feel sick. Like how can I even show myself in public.

There’s no other way to describe it other than that I look like an alien, like I’m not even human. I wouldn’t mind it if I was even average looking. Or at least had a cute face or nice body, by that I mean wider hips than shoulders. But I have neither. It doesn’t help that sometimes people stare at me too…and I just want to hide. Clothes never look right on me. There’s only so much I can do to try to make myself look more proportionate. It’s just not fair. I didn’t choose to look the way that I do. It doesn’t help that I have no friends or have never been in a relationship either. I genuinely don’t think anyone could ever be attracted to me or love me. I try to make friends but they never last, and are often one sided to begin with and fizzle out. No one cares about me the way I care about them. No one wants to talk to me, I have a boring personality and nothing to offer. I’m just so upset, tired and ashamed.

If you had all the things you're lacking, would you be satisfied and happy, or would you find something else wrong with you because this feeling was never about all the things you lacked but actually about something else?

You can change your entire body with cosmetic and other body-altering surgery to became that perfect ideal you're looking for. With will, determination, and money, yeah, anything is possible - but at the end of the day you are still gonna feel the same. Your "certain idea of what women should look like" will always change, you will keep putting yourself down despite everything you've done because you learned to hate yourself, because someone taught you to act this way, because moment after moment created a pattern and now you're here and this is what I'm going to say.

Your body is simply a body.

it's just chillin', cell by cell doing daily activities, the mitochondria bein' the powerhouse of the cell and all that. Hey, the cellular homies have no idea what's going on out there in human society. They have no clue that the "ideal feminine body shape" is arbitrarily and randomly decided by greedy af companies scheming about how shitty they can make you feel about yourself so that you buy their product. For example, compare the "desired female shape" from the 1990's and the 2020's. Completely different. Meanwhile, your poor lil ribosomes are just trying their best to do gene expression here. The DNA says what it says and it is about as helpful as an IKEA instruction manual (read: not very).

It's hard out here, being a cell of the human body. D:

You were born with what you were born with. It is not worse or better than anyone else's body. You've taken the polar opposite of your body type and weaponized it to tear down your self-confidence, because outside influences pressured you into thinking that you need to feel that way - words from people in your life, chance meetings with strangers, marketing and media, fucked-up society, all of it. But there is no particular the body shape you must have to be considered attractive, sexy, or worthy.

People have their own prerogatives. They do what they think is right for themselves. Including you in their lives is secondary to their personal interests. It doesn't make you good or bad if they stay or move on. It doesn't make them good or bad either - they're just doing what they think is right for them at the time. But you're taking their actions and twisting it into a weapon to attack yourself when it probably didn't have much to do with you in the first place.

Why?

It's good to be critical of yourself. It helps you grow and change the things you don't like. But you've hyper-fixated and taken it too far, forgetting about the things that are awesome about you, the interests you have, hobbies you are pursuing. It takes energy to constantly put yourself down. You're drained, abandoning the positives to the wayside. A human is both good and bad. Parts of you will suck, and parts of you don't, but you can't see them because you've buried them deep down and lost touch. It will take work. It might seem easy to constantly shit on yourself, but the reality is that you're actually working really hard to find all the worst angles, and you can redirect that energy to working out, to diving deeper into your interests, to picking up a new hobby, or even distraction. I'm sure that people would say having fun isn't productive, but it is, because it teaches your mind to enjoy something simply for the sake of enjoying it and not trying to get something out of it.

Having that skill is essential for cultivating passion - for others, for yourself, for life.

There are things you can do if you want to. Look for supportive bras and ways to improve posture. Budget for a breast reduction if your healthcare professional thinks it would greatly improve your overall general health. If you want to learn to pose for pictures and know your best angles, look up images of poses you like, copy them, practice on your own, take a class, work with a photographer. There are lots of YouTube videos that explain what looks good on camera - it's not the same as real life. You're taking something 3D and transforming into 2D. It takes a lot of practice. It takes time. It takes failure after failure of looking awkward af until you figure out what you want to look like. It is never the body that is the problem. It is never the clothes. It is figuring out how you want to be perceived at that moment in time and then learning to translate that to the camera, to others, to the world.

You would never say to a friend, you are the complete opposite of what your gender should look like. You're grotesque. Disgusting. Don't go out in public. You're boring. You have nothing to offer. If you're saying those things, you aren't friends anymore. You're being cruel and mean.

Why is it okay for you to say these things to yourself?

You say no one cares about you the way you care about them, but you aren't even giving yourself grace. The most important relationship you need to nurture is the one with you. Friendships come and go. Relationships with lifelong partners are developed later in life. But the constant that remains is you, the one who you will always sleep with is you, and to give love to someone else means you need to love the one and only - you.

Care for her.

Protect her.

Love her.

If it's easier for you to think of yourself as someone to care for, then do it. Make that vow and do for you what you would do for a friend, a lover, a forever partner. You are your forever partner, and she will always forgive you for your mistakes. It is never too late to change your mind. Difficult, yes. So fuckin' difficult. But not too late.

[booksandwords]

Loveless by Alice Oseman

Read time: 5 Days Rating: 4/5

The quote: You know why people pair up into couples? Because being a human is fucking terrifying. But it's a hell of a lot easier if you're not doing it alone. — Ellis

In the interest of full disclose this is an almost automatic 5 star book for me. Any book that features an aro/ace protagonist and treats them with respect and dignity will get 5 five stars, any writing plot or character other flaws be damned. The world needs more aro/ace representation where we aren't the best friend or something to be fixed. But even without my usual aro/ace crusading, this likely would have been a 5. The character are individual, realistic and oh so human, the plot is centred on identity and confusion but is written in a manner that it is readable. And it is oh so relatable for an ace (aro? demi? grey? my romantic orientation is up in the air) who found out well after school what they were. The anger, confusion, sense of overwhelm, and the bizarre sense of mourning due to the loss of what was impressed on you as the normal. One of the best phrases in the book may be "Says who? The Hetronormative rulebook? Fuck that Georgia Fuck that." and you know what amen to that Rooney. The ending is satisfying but still open as is only right for something written for this demographic. This isn't the end of their story it is only the start.

It is worth saying that for those of us who are ace and comfortable with their identity are aware very early on what is going on with Georgia. Georgia is an anxious, touch averse Ace who is trying to force herself to be "normal". With an extended family of almost perfect hetronormative ideal relationships, met early married had kids that have been subconsciously impressed on her as the future and expected of her. Combined with her love of fanfiction it had to be her to the idea that there is the perfect person for everyone. As stated in the intro to this review Georgia is very realistic in her reactions to her newly discovered identity. Confusion, anger, mourning, insecurity. I personally felt all of these and I know others in the community did as well to varying degrees. Georgia does have a conversation with the wonderful Ellis, an ace in her 30s who had to discover her identity and learn her way on her own. Moments leading up that earn this a trigger warning for something that may or may not be alluding to conversion therapy, either way, it is slightly distressing. Ellis is a beautiful woman and a great inclusion. She is a successful woman, making her own way and living her life regardless of what others think.

A moment on the character who for me is the absolute stand out. Sunil is Georgia's College parent, they end up being a something of fairy godace for Georgia. They would hate that term, but it's so fitting for me. Sunil is a homoromantic nonbinary ace with the preferred pronouns they/him (Georgia/ Oseman use him never they), he is the one who introduces the term asexual to Georgia and tells her the potential of it. I really like him, he makes me smile. No one in an Alice Oseman book is two dimensional in their identity (racial, romantic or sexual), Sunil is no exception. He is handled well with the respect of an only slightly older figure, one who is still not entirely set on their feet. And while Georgia is cis white as well as being an enby Sunil is of Indian descent.

The other supporting characters are Rooney, Pip and Jason. Rooney is Georgia's Shakespeare obsessed roommate. They meet on the first day of university and are total opposites. I like their relationship. It's non-traditional but love in a way I want to see more of. Georgia is loyal despite all of Rooney's actions. Pip and Jason are Georgia's best friends. Pip is chaos, Georgia is silent and Jason is clam. They are something of an odd combination but it works well. Jason and his love of Scooby-Doo is both funny and cute. They are all individual and that there is some conflict between them is a good thing.

This is relatable for aces in a similar way to I Was Born For This was relatable for fandom. I would say that if you enjoyed I Was Born For This for its fandom aspects you will enjoy this, even more, fandom specifically fanfic is part of Georgia and her romantic education such as it is. Georgia (, Sunil and Ellis) face misunderstandings about their sexuality. Those phrase aces hear and hate. Sunil's is particularly important they face bigotry from other members of the LBGTQ community, where it is called a made-up sexuality. Georgia gets the 'you'll find the right person', 'have you tried...', 'what about when you are older'. We've all heard them and I could hear the tone. Some of the statements are apologised for others are not, the ones that are are important and say a lot about the importance and development of the character.

A random dump because concise reviews are not possible for Alice Oseman books.

Tommy ending up in the fire is funnier than it should be. I see all kinds of unwarranted metaphors.

Fried Egg is the cutest nickname that would make no sense to anyone but the participating people involved.

Kinsey Scale Test is something hadn't heard of but yeah that is a result a questioning person doesn't want to see.

QUILTBAG is an acronym I had never heard in the LGBTQ community. It's not new, I found it in a 2012 article, where I found this definition it is a good article. "It stands for QU is for queer and questioning, I for intersex, L for Lesbian, T for transgender and transsexual and Two-Spirit, B for bisexual, A for asexual and ally, and G for gay and genderqueer. Even with all those letters, we’ve missed some of the possibilities (such as pansexual and fluid, both of which are identities I’ve heard people claim), but QUILTBAG still offers a rainbow of different ways to identify. It’s also a lot easier to say than LGBTQIA (which is what I started using after I realized how exclusive LGBT and queer were)."

Am I the only one who doesn't know what the Bailey Ball is? They aren't an Australian thing. Well, that and I studied uni by distance.

Rooney and Ellis make some brilliant points about friendship and its importance to aces. The way it is made lesser than romantic relationships in general.

Apparently all the Oseman books are set in a common universe, the easiest evidence of this in Loveless is in the reference to Universe City from Radio Silence.

Roderick the plant as a metaphor was smart. I quite liked it.

This is a really quotable book there are fantastic quotes about love, friendship and maturity.

As an aside. The protagonist brings up her love of fanfic early in the book. There is there are precious little aspec fanfics out there. Mostly one would suspect because sex makes the tv industry go-round (see Shadowhunter and Riverdale for their treatment of originally aroace characters). As Clotpolesonly wrote in reply to me "aspec AUs are practically unicorns, they're so rare in fandom". One fandom that does have fanfics for them is Teen Wolf. Derek Hale can easily be read as an aspec (usually closer to the demi or grey part of the spectrum). So even if you don't know the show have a fic rec Magic and Drag Queens and Lizards, Oh My by clotpolesonly. Also That's When I Knew by Stennerd, this is for the 911 fandom pairing is Buddie, demisexual. There are I know more but not nearly as many as there are for some others.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. CVI

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Cas vs AUCas

Hi there! Okay I wanted to finish season 13 in one meta but the last episode has a lot of juice inside so I decided to give it one exclusive meta hehehe.

I will talk here about Cas and his alter ego in the AU world, assign to it a little of daddy issues.

Let's start this...

"Luke, I am your father."

Lucifer finding Jack and trying to convince him about his origins and trying to drag him more and more to connect with him and his hidden intentions, are a reflection for the incoming issue with Chuck and humanity.

So, as always, Lucifer will try to use the manipulative speech with his son by throwing statementa that could be seen as morally accurate.

LUCIFER: Your name is Jack.

JACK: And yours is Lucifer.

DEAN (stalking over in anger) No. No, no. No. You don’t talk to him. (pointing at Lucifer) And you, don’t listen to him. (pointing at Jack)

LUCIFER: (sounding reasonable) Um, don’t you think that’s his choice?

And everyone in the room would say 'he's right' Because that's how Lucifer uses manipulation. He can sound reasonable. And that's the danger of leaving him at his please.

Look at this twist of semantics...

LUCIFER I mean, the point is...humans are not perfect. They’re hardwired to fall. And when they do, they need a fall guy.

CAS (to Jack) That’s a vast oversimplification.

LUCIFER (annoyed) Okay, so true or false, Cas -- um, for almost, like, ever, I’ve been locked away in a Cage?

CAS Yes.

LUCIFER True! It’s true. So how did I do all this evil for all these centuries, I wonder?

As I said, Luci's speech is dangerously logical. Letting Lucifer freely speak, is more dangerous that fight him in a physical battle.

But we know Dean, Cas and Sam won't fall for it.

Remember this is a B-L (Bruckleming) episode, so we will have here a failed attempt of redemption arc for Lucifer. I know Leming was pushing for it, but it wasn't a welcomed idea between writers so... That's why you had Luci crying his tears in front of Gabe, as if he was regretting something, he didn't. Because he is Lucifer. So, goodbye to that idea.

Good performance from Mark Pellegrino tho.

Mary punching Lucifer in the face, closing a circle from 12x23 when she confesses she always dreamt with punching the devil in the face. She did it in that episode but I think this punch was way better satisfying for her.

Jumping to another little take for a foreshadow...

BOBBY Just got news about Charlie and Ketch. Goin’ after the execution squad went sideways. They’re the ones who got ambushed.

This is the cliffhanger or twist of the story we will have in 14x09, when AUMichael posseses Dean again.

Cas vs Cas

Settling the continuity of character development, we had a very visual way to show how much Castiel had grown throughout the seasons.

Before this encounter, we had Castiel coming back to soldier mode, as Dean requested him with the 'whatever it takes' speech.

This time is Dean himself the one asking Cas to use torture over a person, just like he did with Donnie. The only good thing in this scene is Dean and Castiel communicating without talking.

Gif set credit @becauseofthebowties

This preamble was needed to lead us to the AUCas vs Cas scene. In which AUCastiel represented what the Empty was for Castiel at the beginning of this season. AUCas was, certainly, a Castiel that never met Dean Winchester in this reality. Taking that as our base in this discussion, AUCastiel never fell, and he followed Heaven's order blindly, symbolically represented with a Nazi suit.

We could infer Castiel could be like him if Dean had never born and Apocalypse was successful.

But let's check AUCas dialogues...

AW-CASTIEL I haven’t seen many like you. But... But you have to understand that everyone has a breaking point. A...point of pain. Particular, primitive fear, maybe. But it’s a nerve so...raw that your will -- grit, they cease to be factors. And then all your little secrets, they flow from your mind, to mine...until your mind no longer exists.

This speech AUCastiel says to AUCharlie, just like Castiel reading Donnie's mind or torturing that young man, are all foreshadows for what will happen with AUMichael trying to decipher Dean's deepest thoughts and secrets. "What do you want?" Which will be the topic in season 14.

And now, CAS vs CAS...

AW-CASTIEL More than one of us. Fascinating.

CAS (looking at his double) I’ve gotten used to it.

Two Castiels, like the Empty and Cas, or like AUMichael and Dean inside of Dean,'s mind.

AW-CASTIEL You align yourself with the h-humans.

Humans were considered as garbage between these angels in this AU, so, the sole idea of looking at himself in our Castiel been allies with humans it's disgusting.

Gif credit @inacatastrophicmind

CAS I vastly prefer them to angels.

This is a lesson Castiel had learned after meeting Dean and realizing Angels were wrong

AW-CASTIEL Don’t think that you are better than me. Well, we are the same.

This is very interesting, because AUCastiel maybe also has that idea of rebellion inside of him, as he saw it fulfilled in Castiel.

CAS Yes. We are.

The confirmation here is infering Castiel recognizes what kind of angel he was, what kind of angel he could be if he had never met Dean, and at the same time, he is killing that part of him, and accepting who he is now. This will have it's continuity in season 14, and it's conclusion in 15x18, always linked to that dark side he defeats, symbolically represented by the Empty, and the last word said by Jack, his son, bringing him back to life.

Miscellaneous: DESTIEL INTIMACY:

Gif set credit @inacatastrophicmind

This tiny scene here is very important. Castiel approached Dean without talking and opens Dean's backpack to take off the handcuffs. And Dean just let him. There's no sign of surprise in Dean's face, he just let Castiel to sink his hand in his backpack showing us the amount of intimacy between these two characters. The trust and the long term relationship. This is something only a person that is very very close to you is allowed to do. And is so romantic and really meaningful. Is foreshadowing too 14x03 when Dean asks Castiel to get inside his head. Because he trust his angel with his life.

To Conclude:

This episode was a preamble to daddy issues in season 14 (Chuck and John) and it also showed an interesting interact between AUCas and Castiel, textually representing his growth of character.

Hope you like this meta, see you in the next one.

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @destiels-canonahhhhhhhhhh

If you wanna be added or removed from this list just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from this season here you have the links:

Vol. XCIII, XCIV, XCV, XCVI, XCVII, XCVIII,CXIX, C, CI, CII, CIII, CIV, CV.

Buenos Aires, April 4 2:01 PM 2021

[biwenqing]

Review/Rec: The Imperial Coroner/Yu Ci Xiao Wu Zuo

where to watch: It’s on both Youtube and Viki for free!

what’s it about: A historical mystery set in the Tang Dynasty based on the novel 御赐小仵作 by 清闲丫头. Chu Chu travels to the capital to participate in the exams to become a coroner in the Imperial Palace. There she meets Prince An/Xiao Jinyu and Jing Yi (his partner in solving crime). Chu Chu is impressed with Xiao Jinyu’s skills in deduction at crime scenes, while he is impressed with the skills and knowledge displayed in her autopsy reports. Despite questions of Chu Chu’s true origin, Xiao Jinyu brings her to consult in cases that might all be pointing towards his missing/presumed dead father. Little do they know, they are about to investigate their way into a conspiracy that took place before they were born.

review: I was hesitant to watch this show because I’m pretty squeamish around autopsies/surgeries. I was thrilled to learn that this show uses drawings and sometimes little cartoons to demonstrate Chu Chu’s findings.

The characters are what really sold this show to me and they did so within the first episode. They are all very clever, especially the main four and it makes for an engaging mystery. This was one of the most successful mystery shows I have watched in terms of pacing, interest, and consistency! The series of cases all begin to weave a web that is super satisfying to see from beginning to end.

Chu Chu is just a wonderful character. While she starts out a little naïve, she has a great character arch. Her naivety towards the world outside her home never gets in the way of her brilliance or her skill. She wants most of all to help people, to give voice to the dead, and does this by observing down to the smallest details.

Xiao Jinyu similarly lovely, and part of what is really wonderful about his and Chu Chu’s relationship with each other is that it helps them both grow. Xiao Jinyu comes off as more closed off, but he just isn’t always great with human interaction, though he is never unkind.

Jing Yi is a lot less serious as a character, and uses this perception of himself to get information from people. He’s fantastic at the human side of crime solving, and he and Xiao Jinyu are very close friends and great partners in crime solving. He finds himself balancing his friendships with his family expectations in a very interesting way.

Leng Yue a warrior who is trying to find her place in the world. She shows up several episodes in, reuniting with childhood friends Xiao Jinyu and Jing Yi, and making fast friends with Chu Chu. She has her own experience, such as with healing and with weapons, that rounds out the other three to make a crime solving team that is a joy to watch.

The long story short is this show is a wonderful gem despite its tiny budget, the writing and acting are well done, 10/10, would certainly recommend!

content warnings: Not many! Some depictions of violence, very minor gore. Depictions of claustrophobia. References to incest, which I will provide details to under the cut (mild spoilers).

1) Early on, some of the villain characters speculate that Chu Chu and Xiao Jinyu are half-siblings (they are not).

2) Political leaders/family members try and set Leng Yue up first with Xiao Jinyu and later try to arrange a marriage between her and Xiao Jinli, who are her cousins. Neither comes to pass and Leng Yue confronts both Xiao brothers about how uninterested and angry she is about such set ups.

3) Worst offender is Chu Chu’s brother, Chu He, who voices a plan where he could marry Chu Chu. Because Chu Chu was adopted in secret to keep her safe, she is not technically part of the family and Chu He thinks this would solve this. He also says he has feelings for her other than siblings, because he’s the worst! Chu Chu never finds out about any of this (I wish I was her), and after the initial scene in only comes up a handful more times in rather minor ways.

[stvpidinlove]

[ IM JIN-AH, SHE/HER, CIS WOMAN ]  —  [ SENA HA ]  is a child of  [ PERSEPHONE ]  with the power of  [ PLANT GROWTH & SHADOW TRAVEL ] .  they were born in  [ 1993 ]  and have been in nemean lion since  [ 2005 ] .  with the change, they  [ HAVE GRADUATED FROM ]  the  [ BUSINESS ]  role which makes sense since they’re usually  [ ANSWERING EMAILS & RUNNING IN HEELS ] .  if you’d like to meet them try the  [ MOON ]  building . 

perhaps my most put together character but is that saying anything

BASICS

hometown: san francisco, california

eye color: brown

hair color: brown

height: 5′7

sexuality: bisexual

birthday: august 29, 1993 ( virgo )

BIO

sena’s a first generation american, raised by a single father, who wouldn’t find love again until the age of 49, by which time sena was old enough to be a bridesmaid and drink at the bachelorette party. so growing up, it was always just her and her father. he wasn’t exactly...a sad man, but he was melancholy, sometimes. he’d get lost in his thoughts, sometimes, and especially as a child, sena would wonder if he was thinking about her mother. because a lot of the time, she was.

she didn’t know much about her absent mother, but her father only had kind things to say about her. then again, he only had kind things to say about most people, which was probably how he ended up as a defense lawyer. his parents had hoped he’d go into something like law, though ultimately they were disappointed by their son’s big heart, prone to taking on hopeless or pro bono cases.

but then again, in most situations, his clients paid, because he had a reputation for being good at what he did, and it was all based in hard work and research, not in smearing the prosecution or fabricating stories that would be more convincing to the jury. the two of them were never wanting for anything and sena loved growing up in san francisco, swinging by chinatown or fisherman's wharf after school or on the weekends, frequenting the various museums whenever a new exhibit blew through town. she spent a lot of time on her own because her father had busy hours and she had no siblings to talk to, so she quickly learned how to be self-sufficient and responsible

from a very young age, sena knew she was different. there’s really no good way to explain her ability to make plants grow at will, a skill she less-than-discretely displayed regularly at the park near her house. the shadow travel was less obvious and far more difficult, something she never really used unless there was a pressing reason

like many demigods, sena has always been fascinated by her mother’s story, for as long as she’s known the truth of her parentage. she’s been at nemean lion since the age of thirteen, making it easy to find the proper resources for learning more about the entire world of greek mythology. although the seemingly unbelievable has been a part of her life since her conception, sena is a very level-headed person. she’s organized, almost to a fault at times, and always looks put-together, whether she is or not

before nl, she’d wanted to follow in her father’s footsteps, maybe not exactly, but certainly she had an interest in law. she never fully gave up on the dream, but she can appreciate her role at nl, too, and as long as she’s helping people with her business acumen, she’s satisfied

sena isn’t uptight, exactly, but she does struggle at times to let loose. she’d never leave her apartment in an un-ironed skirt or wrinkled blouse. appearances mean a lot to her, primarily because she knows it’s important to put your best food forward in business and present your best self

partly due to proximity, she’s been at nemean lion for quite a while now and can’t imagine life without it, though she visits home a lot because she’s close with her father. she’s glad he has his new wife (and young twins) to keep him company while she’s away 

RANDOM FACTS

for a daughter of persephone, sena doesn’t spend a ton of time outside these days. she’s the kind of person who has to be reminded to get out and take a break from working. that said, she loves nature, innately, and enjoys gardening

she’s the kind of person to scold gently/kindly because she can’t help quietly worrying about everyone and wanting them to succeed but she tries really hard not to be overbearing

somehow she has huge big sister energy even though she grew up as an only child

sena can’t shadow travel other people yet but she’s lowkey working on it??? she’s been training for over a decade so it’s like...why not but also she doesn’t see it as a huge priority. she’s gotten really good at doing it herself though she sort of has a mentality of not wanting to abuse her powers by using them frivolously

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

the biggest mom friend...plus she’s on the older side compared to a lot of people at nl so she’d def fall into the big sister/mentor category, i feel like people would come to her for Life Advice because she seems to have her shit 2gether and she gives good sensible advice 

she does sort of consider hades kids to be like step siblings but ig it depends on the person lmao

someone who also came to nemean lion 10+ years ago who she’s been friends with for over a decade, super duper close, probably goes up with her to san fran sometimes!!!

a longterm roommate! they get along really well and ofc they’re friends but they’re not like Besties which is why they’re able to live together for so long without complaint. lowkey codependent??

an opposites attract kinda thing where they’re super forgetful and/or messy and sena always has to help them get their life together but secretly she enjoys it <3

[bcdluhm]

&  29  |  cis male  |  he/him  —  ah  ,  bedlam  “beddie”  novak  ,  you  again  .  we  expected  we'd  see  your   { wisps  of  cigarette  smoke   ,   wafting  within  the  studio  ,   up  and  around  your  quick  feet   —   a  ball  change  to  the  left   ,   a  scuffle  to  the  right   .   }  feel  around  these  parts  .  on  the  c  list  as  a  hoofer ,  aren't  you  ?  we  can  help  with  that  !  for  starts  ,  we'll  need  to  make  the  headstrong  and  cheeky  side  of  your  personality  shine  and  do  something  about  leaving  that  childish  and  directionless  side  of  yours  behind  closed  doors  .  at  least  those  luke  pasqualino  looks  might  just  give  you  a  real  shot  .  that's  if  your  inclinations  ,   those  dangerous  habits  which  caused  your  previous  fall  from  fame  don’t  destroy  you  first  !  [  kit  ,  28  ,  pst  ,  she/her  ,  n/a  .  ]

                                                   [[   easier  to  read    ]]

–––  𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫  .

[  *  basics  !  ]

full  name  ;   bedlam  lee  novak nickname(s)  ;    beddie   ,   vak age  ;    29 date  of  birth  ;   january  17th zodiac  sign  ;    capricorn place  of  birth  ;   chicago  ,   illinois gender  ;    male pronouns  ;      he/him sexual  orientation  ;    heteroflexible  —  he’s  straight   ,   but  shit  happens   ,   op   . romantic  orientation  ;     same  as  above language(s)  spoken  ;     english  &  italian accent    ;     n/a

[  *  appearance  !  ]

face  claim  ;    luke  pasqualino  hair  color  ;    brown eye  color  ;    hazel height  ;    6′2 tattoos  ;     none    piercings  ;      none

[  *  family  !  ]

parents  ;   vivian  &   mitch  novak sibling(s)  ;     none   ,   only  child  syndrome   children  ;    ha  !   maybe   (   omg  no  i’m  totally  kidding  —   no  kids   ...  unless   ...   )  financial  status  ;   well-off occupation  ;   hoofer since  ;   16  years  old   .   though  he  came  out  of  retirement  at  28    list  status  ;    used  to  be  a   .   now  c career  inspiration(s)  ;   gene  kelly   ,   donald  o’connor   ,   fred  astaire  . body  of  work   ;   several  musicals  and  tours  throughout  the  late  1950s  and  early  1960s   .

–––  𝐣𝐨𝐛  .

hoofer   :   a  professional  dancer   .    however   ,    he  has  talents  in  singing  and  acting  too  as  he  starred  in  several  musicals  in  his  early  twenties   .

–––  𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲  .

spoiled  beyond  belief   ,   bedlam   (   nicknamed  beddie   ,   pronounced  betty   )   was  given  everything  his  little  heart  desired  .   toys   ,   new  clothes    ,    whatever  snack  was  proudly  displayed  near  the  front  of  the  grocery  store   .   but  he  was  never  satisfied   .   he  was  an  endless  pit   ,   demanding  what  others  couldn’t  give   .

and  with  a  stomp  of  his  foot   ?    he  would  get  even  more   .  

and  boooooooy  did  he  stomp   .   left  foot   ,   right  foot  —  even  his  tantrums  held  a  beauty  to  them   .    his  mother  ,   vivian   ,    cooed  over  her  talented  baby  boy   .   buy  him  some  tap  shoes  and  i  might  just  charge  an  audience  fee   ,    she  laughed  obnoxiously   ,   head  tilted  back  as  flawless  silk  locks  cascaded  down  her  back   .    i’m  serious   ,   mitch   ,   buy  our  boy  some  tap  shoes   !  

to  say  beddie  was  gifted  would  be  both  an  insult  and  an  understatement   .   while  clearly  born  with  talent   ,   he  worked  his  ass  off  to  be  the  best    .  not  because  he  enjoyed  it   (   he  did   ,   but  that  wasn’t  the  point   )    —   no   ,   it  was  because  he  loved  the  attention   .   

his  need  to  be  better  than  everyone  else  resulted  in  bloodied  socks  and  damaged  tap  shoes   .   he  danced  and  danced  and  danced  some  more   .   if  not  tap    ,   he  was  perfecting  classical  ballet   .    if  not  ballet   ,   he  was  learning  to  waltz   .   beddie  possessed  a  natural  athleticism  that  turned  a  normally  effeminate  activity  into  a  test  of  masculinity   .   he  did  things  no  others  could  dream  of   ,   and  he  looked  wonderful  while  doing  it   .

by  his  early  twenties   ,   beddie  earned  unparalleled  fame  as  he  was  given  countless  opportunities  to  showcase  his  talents   .   a  “hoofer”  they  labelled  him   .   what  gene  kelly  was  for  the  50s   ,   bedlam  novak  was  for  the  60s   .    they  gave  him  singing  lessons  ,   tossing  him  in  musicals  for  the  big  screen   .   but  unsurprisingly   ,   he  grew  cocky   .   considered  an  a  lister  at  the  time   ,    he  began  to  drown  in  the  luxuries  that  fame  offered  him   .   women   ,   booze   ,  and  cigarettes  became  his  three  favorite  vices   ,    each  threatening  the  career  he  worked  so  hard  for   .

women  because  his  focus  lied  elsewhere   .   booze  because  of  the  terrible  actions  that  followed  its  consumption   .   and  cigarettes  because  of  the  way  it  screwed  with  his  body  (   something  that  wasn’t  common  knowledge  at  the  time   )   .   he  spent  several  years  on  top  only  to  be  hospitalized  at  the  age  of  25  .   the  reason  for  his  visit  was  kept  out  of  the  press   ,    though  most  people  could  wager  a  guess   :    he  drank  too  much  .   

suddenly  directors  were  hesitant  to  work  with  him   .    he’s  the  best   ,   but  fuck  if  he  isn’t  a  giant  pain  in  my  ass  !    they  started  to  weigh  the  options   ,   realizing  his  gifts  weren’t  worth  the  smart  mouth  and  childish  behavior   .   desperate  to  save  face   ,    bedlam  did  the  only  thing  he  could  think  of   .

he  retired   .

returning  to  the  fold  after  leaving  so  many  years  ago  is  more  an  issue  of  pride  than  anything  else   .    comments  regarding  how  he  USED  to  be  gifted   ,   and  how  he  USED  to  be  revered  drove  him  crazy  .   he  practiced  and  practiced   ,   endless  cigarettes  over  the  years  causing  his  endurance  to  drastically  shrink   .    but  he  was  still  one  of  the  best   .    his  reputation  though   ?    it  was  making  it  difficult  for  him  to  return   .   once  an  a  list  celebrity   ,    beddie  was  lowered  to  a  standard  of  human  who  actually  had  to  pay  for  his  own  lunch  .    the  audacity  .

–––  𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝  𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬  .

coming  soon