#and if that isn’t the most kim thing i ever did hear-

[coffinwoodx]

couple of screenshots of kim’s wikipedia page that i felt so deeply in my soul

[freyadragonlord]

Recently I’ve been thinking about the different types of love languages in Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, The S-Classes That I Raised, and Lout of the Count’s Family…

Not to say that each of the stories describes only one single kind of love language; they are, after all, all novels that focus on Found Family, with many different types of relationships between characters that express their love for each other in as many different ways.

Yet, I’ve noticed how at the core of each of these three stories there is one specific act of love that recurs more than others, and that becomes the true Theme each novel revolves around.

In Lout of the Count’s Family, the main love language is providing food and a home.

“Home” is such an important concept in LCF that Cale collects houses like they were pokemon cards. The source of his trauma when he was a child as Kim Roksu was that he was not given sufficient food, and that where he lived was not truly a shelter where he could feel safe, just a place he was trapped in.

And I don’t think there are ever more than 2 chapters in a row without a character offering food to others, or asking if they’re hungry, if they’ve eaten, why haven’t you eaten, here have some apple pie!!

Cale uses his newfound money and power to make sure his loved ones are provided for. That’s how he adopts bonds with most of his new family.

The first thing Raon does after he’s freed from the prison he’s been trapped in all his life, is to leave food for this hopelessly weak human.

Choi Han, who has lived alone in a dangerous forest for decades, would do anything to protect his home.

The Crown Prince, who has been isolated and untrusting of everyone ever since his mother died, makes sure to always have cookies in his bedroom in case guests “break in” for a visit at any time of the day or the night.

I love you, you’ll never be hungry again. I love you, my home is your home.

In The S-Classes That I Raised, the main love language is words.

Yoojin’s powers are literally activated by telling people “I love you”. Because all he ever wanted was to say “I love you” to his brother one last time.

Because the tragedy that starts the story happens because Yoohyun loved and protected his hyung in secret for years. Silence creates misunderstandings, it creates distance, it leads to loss.

Loving someone isn’t enough, tell them! Reassure them. Remember what they say, because their words are important!!

Ever since the regression, Yoojin always let people know when he loves them and appreciates them. “You’re perfect, you’re cute, you’re so talented, you’re so handsome, you are loved.”

And as the novel progresses, whenever Yoojin is in pain, or doesn’t know what to do, he turns to Sung Hyunje because he needs to be reassured, he needs to know he did well, he needs to hear he is still important to the people he loves.

I love you, please know that I love you! I love you, please tell me you love me back.

And finally, in Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, the main love language is time.

Time is one of the greatest sources of horrors in ORV. Eternities upon eternities of suffering, being trapped for ages in the same, hopeless loop, wishing for everything to just stop.

And yet, time is also the greatest gift characters give to each other.

Because the wounds Dokja suffered as a child, and then again and again through his whole life…. They need time to heal. They need so much time. They will probably take forever.

So let them take forever.

Despite how much pain and worry he causes his companions by giving up on himself over and over again, his companions never give up on him. And he doesn’t understand why!! He doesn’t think he’s worth it. But it’s not his choice, it’s theirs. And they will go through as many tries, as much pain, as much time as it takes, before they can finally save him.

I love you, so I will wait fifty years for you. I love you, so I will live through thousands of lifetimes to find you. I love you, so I will read and reread your story for the rest of time, just to keep you alive.

[seongclb]

— enhypen when there’s a scandal about their s/o dating another idol !

idol!enhypen x idol!reader, fluff, established relationship au, no warnings!

req. by anon -> i merged the last two requests !

♫ pink+white by frank ocean

𖠗 이희승 | lee heeseung.

omds when he finds out

prepare to be met by the sulkiest baby you’ve ever met

like this guy is 6ft and counting but has a POUT on his lips when you see him

just shoves his phone that has the news article on it of accusations that you and taehyun from txt are dating

since you’re all in the same entertainment, it’s easy to be rumoured with either enhypen or txt

and due to your groups comeback along with txts comeback being at the same time, fans are talking about how cute you and taehyun would be after the tiktoks you had made together

“is he a better dancer than me?”

“no, heeseung.”

“is he a better singer than me?”

“no, heeseung.”

this isn’t enough to make him feel better though, so you must avenge his heart with kisses or else.

𖠗 박종성 | park jongseong.

when he sees the article that says you and another member of enhypen are dating, he just raises a brow as he frowns

waits for you to get home and shows you the article, “jagii, look at what they’re saying”

he subtly whines about it for the whole day, even sending death stares to jake every once in a while

but you tell him that fans just like doing these things for fun, and they always make the most extreme theories

like so what if you and jake were being friendly at the awards?

little do they know that it’s only because you and jay are dating

jay knows this so he feels better but not completely great

so you may do something sly with your stylist and ask her to subtly match yours and jays outfit for the next event

which fans catch on to, definitely making your boyfriend bubble with happiness that jakes article is long forgotten

𖠗 심재윤 | sim jaeyun.

very whiny baby

doesn’t wait for you to get home but instead just texts you the article with a sad face

you’re expectant of a sad and pouty jaeyun when you get home

but this time, showering him with affection and love doesn’t help completely get rid of the pout on his lips

“loveee, theres nothing going on with beomgyu and i,” you tell him. “i think my stylist and his stylist just accidentally gave us the same shirt”

is still pouty but understands

“why can’t we wear the same shirt” jake nuzzles into your shirt

he says things like, “i hope dispatch expose us this year”

little do you know he’s actually considering giving dispatch the okay sign to expose you two 😭

𖠗 박성훈 | park sunghoon.

when you come home he’s like, “well hello cheater” and you just sigh

“so, you and soobin huh? i’m a better mc than him anyway” and ur like ???

all u did smile at him a few times at the awards thing and now this?

doesn’t hesitate to show how much better he is than soobin (poor soobin i love u)

u just let him say but bc u know he’s reassuring himself with it

then he gets sulky, “do you think he’s attractive?”

“no sunghoon you’re the most attractive in the world”

smiles at this

threatens your stylist and everyone else to coincidentally make it seem like u and him are dating

acts surprised when there’s billions of articles about you two now

𖠗 김선우 | kim sunoo.

he literally scoffs when he sees all the comments under ur tiktok

guys this is so random but i feel like he would make a secret account and somewhat hate on u and whoever ur being shipped with

would comment stuff like “what? no they don’t look good together” or replies to people and starts mini arguments

he’s still doing this even when you come home

so when you hear him constantly scoffing at his phone and aggressively typing

you ask him what he’s doing and he’s like, “don’t worry”

but this continues for too long so you check and see and you’re like, “kim sunoo????”

then he realises and he’s like :0 “sorry, but but seeing people ship you two was so annoying”

you just hug him and remind him how fans can be

𖠗 양정원 | yang jungwon.

is high-key so sad when he sees the stuff coming up about you and another idol

he tries to hide it bc he thinks he’s overreacting but eventually

he just tells you how he’s feeling

and then just rants about how silly fans are

another one who does something sneaky like asking his managers to do content with your group and his group

which works and he makes so many attempts at videos that fans can edit and say you guys would make a good couple to

“you did this on purpose didn’t you?” you’d ask bc ur not DUMB

and he would just smirk like “what makes you say that, baby???”

𖠗 西村力 | nishimura riki.

he’s like sunghoon and heeseung a bit

hes sulky but hes also like “they’re not better than me, babe”

i think niki would be continuously watching stuff about you and the other idol

to the point where you’d have to take his phone away and cuddle him

he just melts in your cuddles bc he’s quite sad that this stuff is going to be around him all the time

and since he’s so young, the instructions he’s given are to stay out of this stuff for as long as possible

so he does as he’s told even though it’s hurtful

but when you get opportunities with enha, you make it obvious that it’s niki you want to spend the most time with

it’s not long before fans start shipping you two which makes riki so so happy

he probably suspects u do this to make him happy which only makes him love u more

[jihyoruri]

❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ 𓍢 CAUGHT IN BETWEEN kim chaewon & huh yunjin

prev. masterlist . next

📼★ ͘ ⴰ GETAWAY CAR , the best night drive

yunjin’s eyes stay focused on you when you and chaewon enter the dorms, you both seem in a good mood, well you’re always in a good mood so she should say chaewon seems in a good mood.

when the scandal first came out, yunjin can’t say she was surprised when she saw the video, it’s classic chaewon to her, but definitely not to everyone else, so she understood why people were so shocked.

what she didn’t understand is why you kept making up excuses, ever since that video and photos came out, the first thing she did was come to your room to talk about it but all you did was ramble about chaewon not being like that or there has to reasonable reason for it.

yunjin was hoping that the media would get to yn’s head and she would distance herself from chaewon, but it didn’t, you were so confident that this was a big misunderstanding, sometimes yunjin thinks you’re too much of a sweetheart cause even eunchae knew that chaewon had been glaring at you and yunjin all night.

but yunjin knows she can’t blame you, for making excuses, your relationship with chaewon isn’t an ordinary relationship, you both have so much layers and history, so she’ll just have to make the best out of what she can get.

so she did.

let’s go back to the night that the scandal let loose.

yunjin groaned when her phone went off multiple times during the night, she was trying to get some sleep before an early practice.

she tried her best to ignore them, but then her phone started ringing, she let out an annoyed groan before picking up her phone.

“what.” she said harshly into her phone.

“why aren’t you answering your phone.” her friend said into her ear.

“because I was sleeping.”

“okay sleepy head if I were you I’d check twitter like right now.” her friend then hangs up the phone and she takes her phone from her ear and looks at it confused.

she went into the app and mouth dropped at the first thing that popped up.

it was a video of you and her laughing to together, then the camera panned to chaewon who was staring at the both of you before rolling her eyes.

yeah this wasn’t a good look at all, how could she be so unprofessional ?, is all yunjin could think, she knows her and chaewon have some problems when it comes to you but she would never act like this in the public eye where cameras are on them at all times.

I’m gonna talk to her.

yunjin opens her room door and walks down the hallway to chaewon’s room only to see sakura at the door.

“she won’t open her door.” sakura says letting out, an annoyed sigh, “this is really bad yunjin, they’re already creating false narratives.” she says turning to the taller girl.

are they really false? yunjin asks herself, before completing disregarding the thought.

“I know.” she sighs, “I’m gonna go talk to yn.” she says putting a hand on sakura’s shoulder and walking down the hall to your room.

yunjin knocked on your door, waiting for you to open it put you don’t all she hears is a soft “come in.”

she opens the door and slips into yn’s room, she scans over it for a second, it’s like the colour pink attacked over yn’s room, the soft music from yn’s pink record player filling the room she gets lost in the feel until she sees yn’s photo bored on your wall a photo of you and chaewon catching her eyes, and she’s snapped back to the task at hand.

yunjin finds you laying on your back on your bed staring up at your ceiling.

“so…” she trails off before sitting at the edge of your bed, “how are we feeling about this situation?” she asks you.

you sit up on your elbows and look at her confused, “what situation.” you ask.

it’s yunjin’s turn to look at you confused, “um, chaewon’s situation, the one that has us trending all over social media.” she says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

yn stare’s at nothing for second, like she’s trying to to dig into her mind to find what yunjin is talking about.

yunjin let’s you do that for a little while, completely used to it.

your gasp fills her ears.

“oh, yeah that!” you say finally sitting up and crossing your legs, “I don’t know how to feel about it.” you say shrugging your shoulders.

“what do you mean?”

“I mean, I honestly don’t think chaewon would do that,.” you say sitting closer to yunjin, “and the stuff they’re saying about her are completely untrue, she hates us ? are you serious chaewon loves us.” yn says ranting.

she loves you. yunjin thinks to herself.

“this whole thing is stressing me out.” yn says leaning on yunjin’s arm, “that’s why it took me so long this remember what you were talking about as soon as I saw it I turned off my phone and shut it out of my mind.”

“I don’t think that’s healthy yn.” yunjin says looking down at the girl that leans on her shoulder.

“you know what else isn’t healthy, break outs from stress.” yn says in a pretentious tone.

yunjin laughs at your sass, “yeah, that’s true.” she responds softly.

you guys sit in silence for a while, and this is what yunjin loves, everything that involves you and chaewon is such a rush, if she could describe chaewon and yours relationship she would say adrenaline.

you’re chaewon’s person but she wants to be yours, if chaewon is your rush she wants to be your calm.

she looks at your face and even if you try to hide it she can see how much conflict this situation is causing your mind, she wants to take that away.

“alright.” she say’s getting up from your bed and opens your closet and takes out your pink crocs, “let’s get out of here.”

you look at her confused but pick your crocs anyway, “where are we going?” you ask as the taller girl takes your hand.

“anywhere, somewhere.” yunjin says dragging you out your room and taking you down the hall, she takes notice that sakura isn’t at chaewon’s door anymore.

after yunjin locks the door of the dorm she smiles at you and grabs your, before running down the hallway with your hands interlocked. “let’s take the stairwell.” she says.

a smile spreads on yn’s face as her and yunjin run the down the stairs, yunjin making all sorts of funny noises as they trip over their feet.

the run into the parking lot and yn comes to stop when yunjin runs to car, “who’s car is that?”

yunjin smiles mischievously, “that’s classified information, pretty girl.” she says getting into the drivers seat. “get in.”

yn looks back at the building and the back at the car, before letting out a small laugh and rushing into the car.

yn let out a squeal as yunjin zoomed down the empty road, she lifted her arms in the air, the midnight breeze over taking her, she lets out a laugh when yunjin lets out a yell into the night.

for something so impulsive, it felt so peaceful, this is exactly what both yn and yunjin needed, yunjin takes a peak at yn who still has her hands up in the air before leaning down to switch through the radio stations.

to yunjin it felt like it was only them in the world, like they weren’t idols that were in a big scandal at the moment, it was just them.

“wait, hold on!” yn shouted as she turned up the radio both her and yunjin looking at each in the shock at the song playing.

“you were driving the getaway car.” both yn and yunjin sang more so shouted into the night, you going back to your original position lifting your arms in the air and singing your heart out.

“we were flyin’, but we’d never get far.”

the night breeze overtook you and yunjin and she drove down the road, the only thing you guys could hear was the wind and the music.

yn and yunjin looked at each other with smiles on their faces before yn leaned in and kissed yunjin on her cheek, before whispering a “thank you.”

It wasn’t the kiss yunjin wanted but it would have to do for now.

“no problem, pretty girl.”

[cupidgwk]

. . ! oblivious — kim gyuvin

► more friends to lovers !!!!

► synopsis: you and gunwook devised the oh so, full proof plan to get gyuvin to fall for you!!!

► slightly proof read

► p.s gunwook is best wingman

step one — get closer to him (physically)

gunwook laid out the steps for you one by one. first, you’d have to get close to him but in a subtle way!

his bright idea? turning up the a/c. what you didn’t expect was gunwook setting the temperature to a chilling 60 degrees.

“oh it’s pretty cold in here isn’t it.” gunwook ponders.

“yeah, just how cold is it?” you glared at gunwook as your teeth chattered.

“oh don’t worry about it! the air conditioner must be broken.” he shrugged avoiding eye contact.

gyuvin still had his eyes fixated to the tv in full focus in his mario kart race.

“are you cold y/n?” hanbin questioned. “you can wear my sweater if you want!”

“oh thank you hanbin! you shouldn’t have…” your fully slightly pained smile spilling out as you accepted the wrong person’s hoodie.

gunwook physically smacked his hand against his forehead.

spoiler alert: it did leave a mark on his forehead that lasted a good two days.

step one. failed.

step two — make him good ol’ baked home goods

you trusted gunwook with your life after all. well, not after the kitchen fiasco that was.

“uhm, is that supposed to be bubbling?” you questioned in concern watching the “cookies” bake in the oven.

“i don’t think so,” he trailed off in fear. “just how many tea spoons of baking powder did you add?”

“i think, around 3?” you replied.

“that can’t be right, then why is the-“ realization flashed through his eyes.

“oh man..” he started.

“what did i do.”

“well, you may have used table spoons instead of tea spoons.” gunwook stated re-reading the baking instructions.

he pointed his finger to the top of the ingredient list. “also, we used baking powder instead of soda.”

to make the situation even worse, the smell of smoke entered your nostrils.

“there is no way…” you raced to the oven and fished the tray of slightly burned cookies.

of course at the worse timing ever, gyuvin enters the kitchen, clearly looking for whatever he can stuff into his mouth.

“yay cookies!” his eyes lit up. “i love home made ones the best!”

“gyuvin wait!” but you and gunwook were a little too late. as gyuvin munched into the baked good that didn’t even deserve to be called a cookie.

gyuvin’s face went from joy to confusion to pure disgust.

“oh wow guys this is the best thing i’ve ever tasted!” he managed to cough out.

“dude, you can be honest.” gunwook deadpanned.

“i need a moment.” he mumbled making his way toward the bathroom.

in the distance you can hear the faucet running as gyuvin attempted to get any taste of that concoction out of his taste buds.

“great! i gave him food positioning!” you slouched onto the floor in defeat.

step two. failed.

and so the saga continued. gunwook would come up to you every day with a new plan to push gyuvin closer to you. of course, most. well. all of the attempts resulted in failure.

one failed attempt after another felt like a never ending rollercoaster. step 4? yujin beat you to asking gyuvin to share an umbrella on the walk home. step 5? we don’t talk about step 5.

“gunwook, i am one failed attempt away from dropping out and moving across the country. the continent even!” you flailed your arms in annoyance.

gunwook shook his head in disagreement. “no can do!” he shook his finger. “i got this covered y/n, just you wait!”

do not fret. gunwook wasn’t class president for no reason. he devised yet another foolproof plan by adding any steps necessary to ensure by the end of the day you and gyuvin will be a couple.

step ??? — become partners for the upcoming group project

gunwook may or may not have pulled a couple strings to ensure that you and gyuvin would be partners in the newest english assignment.

“hey y/n!” gyuvin greeted pulling up a seat next to you. “what exactly did the teacher say? sorry i think i fell asleep for most of it.”

you laughed at his demeanor before quickly explaining the project requirements and such. surprisingly enough, gyuvin listened intently nodding along to the words spilling from your mouth.

“thanks y/n!” he smiled. “so, when is this due?”

“we have around two weeks or so,” you tapped your pen on your bottom lip as you scanned the instruction sheet once more.

“wanna visit the café across the school so we can sort stuff out?” gyuvin questioned tiling his head.

your face erupted into a smile at his suggestion. “you sure this isn’t just an excuse to try their new season menu?” he pouted at your words lightly shoving your shoulder. “come one! please~”

you rolled your eyes at his antics. “of course gyuvin~” teasing him.

-

conversations filled the hallway as students rushed to beat rush hour on the train. the two of you continued to converse as you made your way to the train station. of course, gyuvin forgot to reload his train pass resulting in the two of you missing the train.

“i’m so sorry!” gyuvin apologized clasping his hands together. you laughed at his dramatic apology shaking your head playfully. “don’t sweat it, it gives me more time to spend with you.”

“what?” gyuvin questioned. your face immediately burned up as regret filled your mind. before you can even stutter out a response, gyuvin came up with one himself.

“glad to know, my plan worked,” you raised an eyebrow in suspicion. he turns to face you. “why don’t we turn that study session into a real date? you know, to make up for missing the train and everything.”

you rolled your eyes playfully. “of course!” a smile erupted on his face as he suddenly engulfed you in his arms.

“i’ve been waiting so long to do this.”

gunwook’s full proof plan to get you and gyuvin together: SUCCEEDED

[ky-yk]

teenage dream, track 7 (kcw x f!reader)

genre: angst || word count: 1.2k

author’s note: taking a page out of my own life for content, what’s new ✌️🥹 anyways thank u to ssamkkura anon for requesting this, i hope u all enjoy!

you knew the world was small, but you didn’t think it’d be small enough for you to run into your ex at jeon somi’s release party.

frozen in your place, you stared across the room at the love of your life leader of le sserafim chatting away with her group member and the party’s ever-charming hostess. the drink in your hand started to shake as the room grew stuffier. the lights, too bright; the crowd, too loud; her, too close.

i need to get out of here.

putting your drink down on the closest table, you made your way out of the room — anywhere but here. you kept your head down, mumbling apologies to the colleagues and seniors you may have bumped along the way, trying as hard as you could to not draw any attention to yourself. as soon as you opened the door to the balcony, you felt like you succeeded in your mission, and your reward was the blast of fresh air that greeted you. you made your way to the railing, hands gripping tight as if to ground yourself, as you closed your eyes and took a deep breath.

we’re not going through that again, alright, y/n? focus on the air around you, nothing else matters right now, you told yourself.

you let out a long exhale as you opened your eyes, taking in the scenery in front of you. once you thought you were ready to go back inside, you turned around, only to be greeted by the bane of your existence standing at the threshold between you and freedom.

kim chaewon.

the next thing you know, the wind is knocked out of you. you can’t breathe. you need to get out of here.

why did the most beautiful person in the world have to be the one to break my heart?

you shook your head, trying to fight the tears pooling in your eyes. with your head hung low, you attempted to push past her. the you from a year ago would’ve rather died than hurt the girl.

but that was before she hurt you first.

so maybe the shove was a little stronger than intended. but anything to make her feel the way you did when she walked out the door.

you were two steps away from freedom, but not before you felt her grab at your wrist like a claw — a shackle.

“let’s talk, y/n. please.” you could hear the desperation in her tone. you could feel her eyes boring into the back of your head, imagining that her eyebrows are drawn together towards the center.

you collected yourself, closing your eyes and sighing before turning around to face her.

“i have nothing left to say to you,” you replied, getting ready to walk away again before she tugged on your wrist.

“please?”

you’d always prided yourself on being level-headed. sometimes, it felt like you were ive’s leader with how much you’d have to stop yujin from sneaking out with the maknaes. it was one of your charms.

the second you relented, you knew you were sinking.

with an exasperated eye roll, you switched your positions so that now your hand was wrapped around her lithe wrist as you turned and dragged her back to the balcony. once you’ve settled, you dragged her to stand in front of you.

“okay, talk,” you urged her, arms crossed across your chest.

“how’ve you been lately?” she asked, trying to lighten the mood with a chuckle.

“chaewon…”

“okay, fine,” she relented with a sigh. “i…don’t quite know why i wanted to talk to you again.”

“i think i have an idea,” you replied. “and i don’t like where this is going.”

you sighed. this was gonna be a long night.

“i don’t want to be with you anymore.”

“what?” chaewon asked, eyes wide incredulously. you nodded, “yup.”

had this happened any other time at all in the past year, you would’ve been on your knees begging for her to take you back. you would’ve done anything she asked you to in a heartbeat.

it was about time you took back your own heart.

it’s funny how time works out, isn’t it?

“it’s just been so tiring, you know?” you chuckled. “for the last year, i’d been holding on to you, to what you said. ‘anything can happen,’ isn’t that what you said?

was that your way of keeping me at arm’s length?”

you asked no one in particular. you had too much to say yet too little all at the same time.

you gave her no chance to rebut. not that she was going to, by the way her mouth were sealed tight, biting at her bottom lip. she looked like she was about to cry.

and you couldn’t find it in yourself to care anymore.

“you said we’d be friends, and then what happened? one-sided conversations, avoiding each other’s gaze in the halls, turned-down outings…”

“how can you blame me for that? i’ve been busy!” she finally blew up at you, arms flailing about. you just shook your head.

“i wasn’t blaming you, i was just trying to make you see my side,” you replied calmly. “you said we’d be friends after we broke up, but i guess life just doesn’t work out like that. i guess they were right, you can never be friends with your ex,” you sighed wistfully.

“i should’ve known i couldn’t have all of your attention again, that’s on me. but now, i realize that we’re in such different points in our lives now. you and i are such different people now. i don’t know how that would work,” you said.

“i’m rambling at this point, but i guess what i want to say is that we had a good run. let’s just leave it at that,” you looked up at her with a small smile.

you didn’t expect to get rammed with a hug, arms frantically wrapped tight around your neck. chaewon buried her head in your neck. you could hear the sniffles, and you could feel the tears against your neck. you just wrapped your arms around her waist, relishing in what could be your last moments with the girl. for a while, you patted her head comfortingly while waiting for the girl to calm down.

eventually, she pulled away from you. her arms remained around your neck, and yours around her waist.

“i guess you’re right,” she mumbled, looking down in shame. “i wasn’t thinking straight. it was selfish of me to think i could just take you back.”

you shook your head with a chuckle. “if you’d asked earlier, i would’ve. it’s funny how time works out.”

“yeah, you’re right,” she says with a shake of her head, detaching herself from you. you did the same, arms resting by your side.

“well, i guess this is it,” she says with finality.

“i guess this is,” you agree.

“i hope we could still be friends later on, though,” she trails off.

“we’ll have to see, anything’s possible, you know?” you throw back at her teasingly. “when the time comes, i’ll stop being a stranger.”

“noted. thank you, y/n,” she says.

“i’m sorry, chaewon,” you reply, before walking back into the party and out of her life as you close the door to the balcony.

[daegudrama]

Daegudrama’s Spicy Festa Special D-5

Title: Daylight

Pairing: Reader/Kim Taehyung

Summary: After years apart Taehyung and Reader spend a night together and finally confess their truest feelings.

Word Count: 4003 words

Warning: Brief mention of enlistment

He’s sitting on your sectional with a goofy smile on his face as he watches cute animal videos on his phone. It’s his last night here before he has to go back to Korea. Before you both have to go back to real life and stop living in this fantasy. You knew this day would come. You knew it all along. How did it come so fast?

You sit beside him curling into his side. Every passing moment brings you closer to Taehyung leaving with no idea when he’ll be able to come back. He wraps an arm around you pressing a kiss to the top of your head. His warm hand rests on your waist as the calming scent of his cologne engulfs you. 

Trying to explain what the two of you have to normal people doesn’t really go over well. He isn’t your boyfriend but he isn’t just your friend. Maybe if you lived on the same side of the world he would be, but the cards are not in favor of that. Taehyung is a man you will drop anyone for the moment he touches down in your country. You hope he would do the same if you ever found your way to Korea. The words he’s said to you make you believe he would.

Taehyung sets his phone down and turns his attention to you. He lifts your chin with one hand cupping your cheek when you meet his eyes. He leans forward pressing a soft kiss to your lips. His lips taste like the strawberries you were eating a few minutes ago. You wish your heart wouldn’t flutter so strongly because when the daylight comes he’ll have to go. The two of you will be on your own again in just a few hours. 

“I wish I didn’t have to go.” he whispers sadness glazing over his beautiful eyes. “I wish you could come home with me.”

You kiss him, desperately trying not to let every word bubbling in your chest out. He doesn’t need to know that you wish more than anything in the world that you could follow him. Taehyung doesn’t need to hear how hopelessly in love with him you are. You’ve told him all the reasons you can’t just pick up your life. He respects the life you have built here, but just like you he wishes this could be something else.

He responds positively to the kiss pulling you closer until you are sitting on his lap. Taehyung pulls away from the kisses and hugs you tightly to his chest. You feel him take a deep breath as his head bows against your shoulder. He pushes the strap of your tank top to the side with his nose and kisses your skin.

You don’t want to talk about why you can’t leave again. You don’t want to talk about why he has to leave you. This time should be spent making each other feel things that will be remembered long after his plane leaves in the morning. 

Your fingers card through his dark hair while he sucks marks onto your neck. A reminder that he was here if even for just a fleeting moment. Taehyung’s hands creep up your top brushing his fingertips against your bare skin. No matter how many times he touches you there is still electricity. Every time you meet it has been so long it’s like starting over at square one. You wish he never had to leave. You don’t want to start all over. You don’t want to sleep because you know when you wake up it’ll be time for him to leave.

Taehyung lifts his head when you give his hair a slight tug. He smiles softly before his eyes slide shut. You copy the movement and lean in to kiss the most beautiful person you’ve ever met. His long fingers grasp your waist trying to pull you impossibly closer. Taehyung deepens the kiss, letting his tongue lick into your mouth. Your hands work the buttons of his white shirt open until his whole chest and stomach are exposed. He guides one of your hands to his pec and you rub your finger against his nipple. Last time you were together you learned he likes it when you play with his nipples.

He breaks the kiss to pull your top off and you push his shirt off his shoulders. Taehyung stares for a moment with a soft expression before taking one of your nipples into his mouth. You grind your ass against his crotch and feel his cock getting hard. This is probably the best way to forget about the impending morning.

A moan escapes your lips as his other hand squeezes your breast. You trail your fingers across his smooth skin lightly. He shivers from the sensation and that makes a smile find its way to your face. You stir your hips against him until you can feel he’s fully hard. He swirls his tongue around your nipple. Taehyung takes the perky bud between his teeth and carefully scrapes his teeth against it before releasing it. He knows that he’s driving you insane. Even after all this time he hasn’t forgotten the small details. 

Taehyung kisses you again, gripping your hips so he can flip you on your back. You are impressed you didn’t clack teeth like the last time he tried that. To be fair the two of you were in a much smaller space last time. His smile is genuinely happy when he pulls away and you wonder how he can smile like that when he’s about to leave. Does being with you make him that happy? Or is he just happy there are boobies in his face?

He leaves a trail of kisses from your neck to your belly button. You nod your head when he looks up with his fingers against your waistband. You don’t want to speak. You want him to show you how he feels. Taehyung removes your shorts and underwear in one go, tossing them to the side. 

He kisses your mound while his hands grasp your thighs. Taehyung lies on his stomach between your legs as he continues to plant wet kisses around your pussy. He knows to leave marks on the inside of your thighs where your skin is so sensitive it sends a shiver up your spine. No one has ever spent the time to memorize you except him. 

Taehyung’s warm fingers spread your lips and he draws in a deep breath before flicking his tongue across your clit. Your muscles involuntarily lift your hips into his face. He pins your hip down and licks up and down your slit in long strokes. There is no rush he’s savoring every second he has left with you. 

He zigzags his tongue chuckling when you search for somewhere to place your hands. Taehyung only likes hair pulling in certain positions and this is not one of them. You settle for squeezing the cushion. He looks like perfection licking your cunt like it's the greatest delicacy he's ever tasted. Taehyung keeps eye contact with you as he teases your hole with one finger. Your stomach flutters, feeling almost shy as he demands you to watch. 

You can’t hold back the moan he earns when he slips one finger into your already dripping pussy. Taehyung sucks your clit into his mouth while pushing his finger all the way into you. He curls the digit inside you pulling a strained moan from your mouth. He is pleased with himself, pulling his mouth away from your cunt to kiss your thighs again. Taehyung adds another finger when he thinks you are ready. The truth is you are never ready for anything to do with him.

He pumps his fingers in and out of your pussy quicker than before. You clench around his fingers and he dives back in to lick your clit. Taehyung’s name passes your lips several times as you watch him please you. The only thing more beautiful than this is watching him perform. You are trying to make every cell in your body corporate, but you fear if he doesn’t stop you will cum soon. He knows just how to touch you a little too well and you can’t let this moment end this quickly.

“Tae, let's go to the bedroom.”

He looks up with your lust on his chin and you sit up wiping it away. Taehyung pulls his fingers out of you and sucks them clean before kissing you. He stands, unbuttoning his pants and taking them off, and offers you his hand. Your heart reacts wildly to the small gesture, but you take his hand and he leads you to your room.

You sit on the edge of your bed watching Taehyung take off his boxers. As soon as you see his cock you kneel in front of him. Your lips press against the tip of his length letting your tongue snake out. Taehyung says your name watching you take more of his fat cock into your mouth. You look up through your lashes to see his mouth opened and brow drawn together. You cave your cheeks in, running your mouth up and down the length of his cock while you grab the back of his thighs with your hands. 

Your goal is to drive him crazy. Who knows when the next time you’ll be able to suck someone’s dick is? In the past you’ve tried sleeping with other people but it’s very hard when you are in love with one person. It’s hard to make it through sex with other people and not think about the man in front of you who holds every piece of your heart. Which is why you haven’t had sex since the last time you saw him.

With one hand you fondle his balls adding to the sensation of his first blowjob in a long time. You circle your tongue around his tip paying extra attention to the sensitive area. Taehyung never holds back with you and you are grateful to hear his sweet moans. When you swallow around the head of his cock you think he might lose it. His hands grip your hair, something you really like, and tugs. You can’t hold back the moan you release around his cock. He pulls you off his cock tilting your chin up with his hand.

“Can I please fuck you?” He asks, pulling you from the ground and hugging you to his chest.

“Yes, please.” You pull him onto the bed lying on your back. He kneels between your legs about to push himself inside of you when you stop him. No matter how awkward this question is you have to ask him. “Have you been with anyone else since we saw each other last?”

“I’m clean.” He responds from his position sitting back on his feet.

He gave you the answer you were looking for but somehow it makes your heart drop. He avoided the actual question you asked which means he has been with other people since you saw each other the last time. There is no reason for you to feel like this. Taehyung isn’t yours and you aren’t his. It’s been two years since you last saw him in person. Of course he would see someone else. He has needs too. Honestly, it’s a miracle that you were home when he was here. Your busy lives get in the way to the absolute extreme.

He notices the cold look on your face and his eyebrows raise. Taehyung scrambles to your side and takes your face in his hands. His eyes are very serious when he speaks.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to avoid the question. I thought that’s what you wanted to know. There was one guy a few months after LA, but something felt really off.” He pauses looking away and you can see his cheeks getting red even in the dim light. The dull ache in your stomach leaves. “Sex with other people doesn’t feel right. It only feels right when I’m with you.”

“I feel the same way, but you were the last person I was with.”

Taehyung leans forward and kisses you while you take his cock in your hand. You don’t want to talk about this further, you want to feel his dick deep inside of you. Thankfully, he does exactly what you want. He pushes your legs apart and slaps his cock against your slit. The man you are hopelessly in love with doesn’t tease you for long. 

You swear fireworks play behind your eyes as Taehyung pushes inside of you. Both of you curse in unison. No piece of silicone can compete with Kim Taehyung slowly rocking his cock into your ready pussy. He leans over you watching your face for a moment before he kisses you. This feels so intimate you almost think Taehyung might feel exactly the same way you do. Of course, that’s crazy to think because he’s an idol and you are just chief editor of a magazine he happened to be on the cover of one time five years ago.

You focus on the feeling of Taehyung’s lips against your skin and his cock thrusting into you. He’s being tender, pushing himself as deep as possible without slamming himself into you. If only you could stay in this moment forever with no worries.

You grip his shoulders trying to pull him even deeper into your pussy. His soft groans must be the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard in your life. You wrap your legs around his waist holding him inside of you. He nips at your collarbone but doesn’t fight to move. You use your legs as leverage to move yourself on his cock.

After a few moments of that you want more. Sweet and sensual is lovely but you want to make the most of this. Who knows when you’ll see each other next. You deeply hope it won’t be two more years, but it very well might be. 

“Let me ride you.” 

Taehyung raises an eyebrow with a smile covering his face. He catches your lips with his as he pulls out of you. You deepen the kiss as you sit up holding the back of his neck. Fluttery heat rises to your chest and you can’t believe how truly insane he makes you feel. 

“You’re so perfect.” He says looking in your eyes with a soft hand on your cheek. Heat travels up to your heart before dropping straight to your pussy. Why would he say that? He knows how praises effect you.

He lies on his back before you can respond. Not that you have any idea what to say. You fear you might spill all your truest feelings if you speak. So you don’t, straddling his legs and sinking down on to his waiting cock. His eyes lock with yours for only a second before he watches his length disappear inside of you.

Taehyung grabs your hips, sighing when he’s fully inside you. His fingers dig into your skin as he tries to stop himself from thrusting. He lets you stir your hips completely on your own. Taehyung’s mouth falls open and a string of pretty but filthy words fill the air. Every move of your hips sends a flutter to your stomach. Being connected with him like this after so long adds to the pleasure of his fat cock deep inside you. 

The man you are in love with seemingly loses any self control when you start bouncing on his cock. His words nearly drown out the sound of your soaking pussy taking his cock. He doesn’t remove his hands using them as leverage to meet you with his thrusts.

“You ride me so well. Why are you so good at this?” He groans but something feels off in his tone as if he’s saying it in a regretful way. “You make it so hard to see anyone else. I wish you could come home with me forever. No one compares to you.”

Wow, you never imagined your pussy was good enough to make him say things that will get your hopes up. You lean down, silencing him before he can say something he can’t turn back from. There’s no reason to say that when it can’t happen. What’s the point in saying it when he’ll be gone with the sun rising? You wish you could spend every sunrise with him forever.

Taehyung thrusts into you, moans growing louder when he pulls his lips away from yours. He holds the back of your neck looking into your eyes. There isn’t a waver in the eye contact. Something about this feels a thousand times more intimate than the times before. It’s like he’s scared he might miss something. You try to empty your mind and focus on what is happening. This moment needs to be savored, but it’s hard with a tsunami of emotions pooling in your chest. 

You press another kiss to his soft lips before pulling back and leaning back to brace yourself against his thighs. His thumb finds your clit and rubs circles while you continue to fuck yourself onto his cock.

“Please, Taehyung.” You whine riding him despite the burning protest from your legs. The pleasure outweighs the pain. “Please, make me cum on your cock.”

He flicks his finger faster against your clit building and building your high until his cock hits just the right spot inside you. Your head falls back and Taehyung is all you can say. There is no other word to say. There is no other word you want to be saying. The man takes you into his arms, slowing the thrust of his hips to pepper your face in kisses. Unexpectedly, he cums inside you while he is gently patting your hair. For a moment you stay connected. You wonder how it’s even possible that he came while caring for you. 

“You make me so happy.” He whispers so softly you aren’t sure he really meant to say it. 

On shaky legs you get off of Taehyung and head to the bathroom to clean yourself. By the time you return he is lying on your bed in his boxers looking at the ceiling. His hands are folded behind his head and your heart skips a beat. Maybe there’s another timeline where he’s not an idol and the two of you can be happy just doing laundry and taxes together. 

Taehyung throws you one of his shirts from his luggage and you put it on with a pair of comfy underwear. You rest your head on his bare chest and his arms wrap around you tightly. There’s no place you’d rather be. 

“You make me happy, too.” 

Neither of you say anything for a while enjoying your last moments together. You listen to the steady beat of his heart as he strokes your hair. Every once and awhile he presses a kiss to the crown of your head. You wish your heart would stop soaring. Maybe that would make this easier. 

“Come home with me.” He mumbles like it just slipped out without a thought.

“Tae, can we not do this? I’d rather enjoy the last few hours I have with you.”

He takes a deep breath and doesn’t say anything for so long you think he might actually listen to you. Of course, you can never have what you want. You wish life was simple enough that you could just leave for Korea and not worry about anything else. Your friends are here. Your family and your job and all your favorite things, except Taehyung, are here. 

“Y/N, please you don’t have to uproot your life. Just spend a month with me first. No one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel.”

You pull out of his arms looking into his eyes that are pleading for you to accept his offer. Your heart stings. What would you do at the end of the month? You wish you could live in a fantasy where there’s a chance that you could wake up beside him every morning. 

“And what happens at the end of that month when I want more than anything to stay and I can’t because my life is here?” You don’t want to say the next thing but it’s all you can think about when he’s asking this of you. “In a few months you are leaving for 18 months. You are the only reason I would want to be there. If I can’t see you, what's the point?”

Tears fall down Taehyung’s cheeks and you rush to wipe them away. Seeing his tears makes your own fall and you hug the man tightly. This conversation always ends like this. You never want to have it again, but until something changes it’s going to keep happening.

“Then I can’t see you for two more years? I would make sure you can see me in the military. What about when I’m out? Are we going to be held in this same loop forever? I don’t want anyone else. I want you.”

“When you’re out you are going to release an album with your members then go on a world tour. You are going to be too busy for me again.” Your voice is shaky. “I don’t know what I’ll be doing by then but the universe isn’t on our side.”

“What if I don’t do that?” He asks softly and you crane your head back to look into his eyes.

That is the wildest thing he’s ever said in his entire life. There is no timeline in the universe where you would allow yourself to be the reason he doesn’t go back to his members. Because of how much you love Taehyung you would never ask that of him. Music and his members are his whole life.

“Don’t be stupid.”

He huffs but doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the night. He doesn’t let go of you. 

You fall asleep in his arms dreading the moment you wake up and he has to leave. When his alarm rings your heart drops and you can’t stop the tears from flowing. You hold him tightly against your chest and he holds you back.

“There’s something I wanted to say last night but it didn’t feel right with what we were saying.” He pulls away to take your face in his hands. “I don’t want another two years to pass without saying this.”

“What is it?” Your voice is barely above a whisper but your heart is racing with worry.

“I love you.” You can’t stop yourself from gasping when you hear that. Taehyung continues as if you didn't interrupt. “I’ve known I love you for three years, but it never felt right to admit it.”

You’ve been in love with each other this whole time and both never felt like you could admit it? Both of you have said things that practically spell out the feelings you hold but neither of you has ever uttered those three words. Something about those words makes it feel so much more serious.

Taehyung’s eyes are soft like he’s not worried about what you will say. You would be freaking out if you said that first. He must know you are in love with him. Taehyung is the first person you tell all your accomplishments about. He’s the first one you speak to when you are upset and he always knows how to comfort you even from thousands of miles away.

“I love you too.” You take a deep breath saying the thing you never thought you would give a chance. “When you get back from enlistment, let's talk about us again.”

You’ve never seen a happier smile grace his face before. He surges forward and kisses you like it’s the last thing he might ever do.

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸

Damn! 162!

SPOILERS AHEAD

---

Consciousness returns to Buck like something slippery and elusive. An eel under murky water. Every time he thinks he’s got a grasp on it, it manages to get away from him. 

His memory of the time between passing out in the backseat of Maddie’s car and firmly feeling lucid again is fragile. He knows he did wake a handful of times. Knows people spoke to him. Though their words always sounded like gibberish. He knows he was burning hot, then freezing cold. He knows he was nauseated and parched and in horrendous amounts of pain. But, when he finally has a hold on his mind again, Buck can’t say exactly what has happened to him. 

He isn’t sure he’s a vampire. Though he remembers that was a risk. Even before he opens his eyes, he’s thinking about it. How would he know? Does one feel vampiric? He just feels gross. Heavy and foggy and sore in several places. Thirsty. Very thirsty. But for water. He manages to wiggle his tongue - which feels like lead in his mouth - enough to touch the bottom line of his upper canines. They feel normal. 

Buck cracks his eyes open. They’re dry and crusted with sleep. Immediately, the blare of overhead lighting has him regretting his choices. He remembers this sensation. There’s only one place he could be. The hospital. 

“Buck?” 

No offense to Sophia, who he loves dearly, but hers was not the voice he was most hoping to hear. 

“Soph?” He rasps.  His throat is horrifically dry.

He turns his head to see her sitting by his bedside. She looks tired. She’s wearing a hoodie and jeans. Not what she’d been wearing when he saw her last. 

“You seem actually awake this time,” she observes.

“Think I am,” he agrees, but he can’t be certain. “What day is it?”

“Friday,” she informs him. 

Oh fuck. He confronted Kim Tuesday night. Yikes. That’s a long time to be out. 

Buck looks at himself. Moving his neck too much causes a painful twinge in his shoulder. Probably from the stab wound. He’s got a cast on his left forearm. He can feel bandages scratching at his abdomen and neck. Okay. So he’s rather fucked up.

“Eddie?” Buck asks.

“At home,” Sophia answers. “We didn’t want him here for long. In case anyone wrongly suspected he was the one who did this to you.”

Oh. Buck hadn’t even thought of that outcome. 

“He’s going crazy having to keep away though,” Sophia adds. 

“Maddie?” Buck asks. 

His sister who is rightly furious with him.

“We just switched off,” Sophia says. “She had to go home to her kid. Or, as she said - annoyed, mind you - her other kid.”

Oof.

“She’s really mad?”

“Mad and worried,” Sophia answers. “Like me.”

“I’m sorry I worried you, Soph,” Buck says. “Really.”

“But not that you did it?” 

“Had to try.”

Sophia takes a deep breath. “Alright. I’ll forgive you and I’ll call for a doctor and I’ll text everyone that you’re okay, but… But I need to know one thing first.”

“Okay,” Buck replies. “What is it?”

When Sophia speaks again, her voice is very low. Almost too quiet amidst the noise of hospital machines. She doesn’t want anyone to overhear. 

“Why didn’t you include me, Buck? We would have had a far better shot together. You might not have gotten hurt at all.”

Or they both would have. 

But he gets it. He understands her anger. He would feel the exact same way, if she’d done what he did. They spent so long operating as an airtight team. Trusting only each other. Buck excluded her when, in her opinion, it mattered most. Yeah, he’d be livid, too.

“I didn’t want to make you a murderer,” Buck admits. 

Sophia furrows her brows. She doesn’t understand. 

“We were always ready to kill before,” she says. “We both took the same risks.”

“It’s different,” Buck insists. “That was only ever out of necessity. Dangerous vampires, who weren’t in control. Kim is just a regular person with a life.”

“She hurt you and Eddie!” Sophia hisses. 

“I know,” Buck says. That’s how he justified it, too. “And I hunted her like… Like the very thing we hate, Soph.”

She closes her mouth. He can tell she’s biting the inside of her cheek. 

“I didn’t want you to be that,” Buck says.

“I would have, for my brother,” Sophia protests.

“I know that,” Buck replies. Of course he knows that. That’s why he didn’t tell her. “But Eddie isn’t the only person I want to protect.”

Sophia’s breath hitches at that. Her eyes are a little teary.

“Fuck,” she complains. 

“I’m sorry, Sophia.” Buck says. 

“You should be,” she grumbles. “But I love you too, or whatever.”

Buck smiles weakly. “Thanks for not hating me.”

She rolls her eyes. 

“Now, can you tell me what the hell happened to me?”

💧💧💧

Sophia can’t explain it to him easily, so she calls for the doctor. Which is definitely concerning, to say the least. 

But when the doctor arrives to talk to Buck about his condition, he finds it’s surprisingly… Good? Other than a fractured wrist, and some flesh wounds that will need to heal - and probably require some physio, for his shoulder - he’s more or less okay. He’s not a vampire. He’s not even sick anymore. Apparently he has been quite fevered and ill, he just can’t remember any of it.

“You were indeed exposed to Hemodhampirosis,” the doctor explains. “We monitored your blood closely over the past three days. Somehow, Mr. Buckley, you fought the infection off.”

“That’s… Sorry, what?” Buck asks. “I didn’t know that was an option.”

“Frankly, neither did we.” The doctor replies. “And if the CDC does, it has not been shared with us.”

“I don’t understand,” Buck admits. 

Why him? Of all the people who have been infected. Eddie. May. Why would he be able to fight it off?

“Well, our best guess is that you have, in a slow and painful way, inoculated yourself,” the doctor explains. “Your records state you’ve been hospitalized for a severe bite once before. Likewise, your sister-in-law here explained that there has been another instance of you being bitten by an infected individual. So that makes three occurrences where you came in contact with Hemodhampirosis.”

Sister-in-law? When did that happen?

“Uh,” Buck replies sheepishly. “Yeah, there’s been more than that. Recently.”

[jjungkookislife]

Quarterly Fic Recs 2024: #1

Hello! I'm back again with the first fic rec list of 2024! I enjoyed reading these fics, and I hope y'all do as well! Please be mindful of the warnings on each fic and I encourage you to reblog fics you enjoy as well :)

Seokjin

king of tides @sailoryooons

summary: Seokjin meets a ghost of his past when he and his crew stop to celebrate for the evening.

Yoongi

desecrate @hamsterclaw

summary: A fall from grace causes you to stumble into the hands of a demon prince. Inspired by Lilith.

stress relief @dreamescapeswriting

soft Yoongi having a bad day

morals on sundays @/gimmethatagustd

summary: You’re still in love with your ex-boyfriend. Yoongi offers some help to get over him.

Hoseok

spider web @/sailoryooons

summary: Playing games with vampires is a bad idea. Playing with Spiders is worse.

Namjoon

gang shit @gimmethatagustd

summary: Your daughter’s classmate has a really hot dad. Apparently, you’re his arch-nemesis.

Jimin

technicolor @/gimmethatagustd

summary: Love is one hell of a drug. Bottled and sold on the black market, it isn’t for the faint-hearted. You’re not really interested in trying it until you meet Jimin.

Taehyung

the one with taehyung's indecent proposal @eoieopda

summary: your fuck buddy’s class reunion is coming up. that’s not something you expected to learn about. it’s definitely not something you expected to be implicated in.

Jungkook

none :(

OT7/Multiple Members

carnival of terror @theharrowing

summary: The carnival is in town, and it is unlike anything you have ever experienced. Will you make it out alive?

immortals @bang-tan-bitches

summary: Sometimes, you find your destiny. And sometimes, your destiny does whatever it takes to keep you.

petrichor @purpleyoonn

summary: You had been working at Bangtan Corporation for almost two years now, and not once have you ever laid eyes on your bosses. That was, until you met them when out with some of your coworkers. Now, you almost wish you hadn’t. Almost.

Seokjin

memories of you @shuadotcom

summary: Your memories with Seokjin are some of your favorite.

serve me @chateautae

summary: kim seokjin has been your annoyingly stoic butler ever since you started university, and were gifted your own penthouse. for years, your relationship had remained on the outs, subjecting seokjin to hearing your desperate moans for other men each time they climbed into your sheets; and each time you rubbed it in his face. little did you know that you were only riling him up, and it would be your moans for him bouncing off the walls when your taunting finally unravels his ironclad self-control.

sweet dreams @/gimmethatagustd

summary: Seokjin loves when you paint your nails pink.

Yoongi

broken pt. 2 @kithtaehyung

summary: the championship game lights up… and everything goes down.

maybe so @diorh0seokie

(cheating/angst)

Hoseok

gone wild @johobi

summary: Hoseok consumes porn like he does Cheetos: in unhealthily large amounts. He’s seen, and jacked off to, most things imaginable. But there are those photos that always draw him back…

hot rod @kinktae

summary: a 1950′s inspired fic where greaser Hoseok can’t keep his eyes, or hands, off the new waitress at his and his boys’ favorite diner.

keeping a secret @/kpopfanfictrash

summary: You and Hoseok have been hooking up for a few weeks now. No one in your friend group knows. What happens then, when he shows up at movie night looking better than anticipated?

flower @readyplayerhobi

summary: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

who's your daddy? @ppersonna

summary: in order to get over your hopeless crush, you sign up for DADDI, a daddy-dom dating site. you can’t tell your friends, especially your best friend hoseok. but as weeks go on, you’re desperate to meet the man behind the screen.

groupie love @kimnjss

summary: he’s ½ of the famous rap duo, the 94′s. when stumbling upon a pretty youtuber, he’s quick to decide he wants to have her. but one night with her just doesn’t seem like enough.

heartbreaker ^

summary: you’re just his type. so it’s no surprise when all of his time and effort goes into making you his. though, they’ve always said… you only want it because you can’t have it.

swallow your pride @/ugh-yoongi

established relationship

ho ho horrible ^

summary: the one where your neighbor is a relentless christmas caroler and refuses to take a hint, but at least he’s really hot.

hate that i love it @yoongiphoria

summary: hate-fucking hoseok is your favorite and least favorite thing to do.

take care of me @/gimmethatagustd

summary: You’d never trade quiet, sleepless nights with your boyfriend for anything in the world, even when sometimes it feels like the world is falling apart around you.

not today, satan ^

summary: If you had known the demon tasked with reaping your soul would be a total #daddy you would have gone to Hell sooner!

Namjoon

the gang summons a demon @ugh-yoongi

the prompt: you, a powerful demoness, have just been summoned to earth. this man, this human, wants you to pretend to be his girlfriend for a few days so his parents will get off his back about it.

in the closet ^

office au

Jimin

none :(

Taehyung

rotten angelcake ch. 11 @inkedtae

summary: she’s as sweet as angelcake; he likes her honeyed rotten. this is a series following the complicated relationship between a sugar baby, sugar daddy and his corruption kink.

loverboy @kookslastbutton

summary: After a startling conversation with your coworkers, you start feeling insecure about your sexual prowess. You don’t initiate as much, you haven’t worn lingerie yet, and you’re still timid about doing much seducing with your body–are you giving your boyfriend boring sex? Taehyung reassures you that you are perfect and have nothing to worry about.

Jungkook

be mine @minisugakoobies

summary: Won’t you be his Valentine?

to give a helping hand @oddinary4bts

summary: when Jungkook comes home from the gym, he goes feral thinking about you.

oxygen @/gimmethatagustd

summary: If you get caught, you’ll both die. Jungkook wants to be yours anyway.

OT7/Mulpitple Members

lavender lover @/gimmethatagustd

summary: Taehyung broke all his rules for Jimin, even when it hurt.

Seokjin

chivalry @out-of-jams

summary: And they say chivalry is dead.

burn after reading @raplinesmoon

summary: The agency made the biggest mistake they ever could by trusting Kim Seokjin one more time. You weren’t going to do the same.

Yoongi

exitus acta probat @/bang-tan-bitches

summary:  “All you need to know is that my name is Yoongi and you’re mine now.”

beloved ^

summary: Court was just a game of politics after all. And you intended to win

the mark of yun-ki @/ladyartemesia

summary: For a thousand years the tiger god Yun-Ki has marked the heirs of the Min Empire and thus only a marked heir can inherit the throne. When the beautiful daughter of the Min Emperor’s loyal warlord rescues a mysterious tiger hybrid from the imperial prison, she unleashes a secret that the throne would kill to protect. The young emperor claims to be the chosen heir… but who really bears the Mark of Yun-Ki?

romancing the tome @/kpopfanfictrash

summary: Min Yoongi is many things: renowned archaeologist, versatile hat-wearer, on a bit of an unlucky streak with his work and kind of an ass. What he isn’t is fluent in Latin. Meaning, Yoongi can’t quite determine if he’s being led astray on his most recent archaeological expedition. Enter you, cultural linguist and all-around badass. The goal? Treasure. The means? Your teensy, tiny car. The problem? Min Yoongi is so damn annoying, you might just kill him first.

be my baby [SMAU] @/kimnjss

summary: when the love of his life suddenly vanishes, he drives himself mad looking for her. seemingly erased from the world, he’s forced to pick up the pieces of his life and move on… fast forward three years and someone who looks a lot like the woman he lost is being spotted, holding a kid with an oddly familiar gummy smile…

too easy @sweetestofchaos

summary: Yoongi’s sugar baby really wants that new Zimmermann dress

blackthorn ^

summary: Prince Yoongi and Princess Keena have been friends for as long as they can remember. But finding out they’re promised to one another in marriage isn’t the only obstacle they must overcome as war threatens their home.

stop thinking about me @/yoongiphoria

summary: there's only one person he thinks about with that song.

Hoseok

hot and bothered @sahmfanficbts

summary: You’re hot and bothered and your lawn needs some TLC. Enter: Hoseok with his big lawn-mower.

Namjoon

promise @joheunsaram

summary: Namjoon has always been in the periphery of your friend group, but when you meet the cute boy he doesn’t make the best first impression, or second, or third…

Jimin

renegade @/yoongiphoria

summary: is it insensitive for me to say get your shit together, so i can love you?

Taehyung

new flame @/gimmethatagustd

summary: Flame is a dating app designed for omegas and alphas to find heat and rut partners. You’re skeptical of using the app, not anticipating that you might find someone who is more than just a new flame.

enfer @/out-of-jams

summary: Enfer, the ironically named club, was well known for helping to bring together those of the living with the dead, well, undead. And your best friend had convinced you to try it out, to potentially find a partner amongst the sophisticated group of the otherworldly elite. You’d been open to it. But never would you have imagined meeting him.

stranger danger ^

stress relief @joonsmagicshop

summary: Taehyung gives you an offer you can’t refuse

Jungkook

none :(

OT7/Multiple Members

cosmic collision @/gimmethatagustd

summary: A responsible weedman, Yoongi always tests out new marijuana strains before selling them to his customers. When his supplier offers him a new strain, Cosmic Collision, Yoongi is eager to try it. What he doesn’t expect is the alien that comes with it.

accidental texts (hyung line) @ppersonna

accidental love confessions @kookiesjoonies

[sapphicbluebelle]

Ok more on the Eddie and Kim thing cause I have thoughts. I am very on board with the Eddie is Demi theory cause this man has only ever shown real interest in two people one of which isn’t even canon (yet). Shannon and Buck.

Eddie has spent most of the show trying to replace Shannon since her death and there is a theme with all of those relationships, when he starts to realize that these women are different than Shannon he runs and closes off.

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that Eddie does not understand what he is feeling. He is chasing the attraction that he had to Shannon and he keeps failing to find it when he can’t form that same connection with Ana and Marisol that he did with her.

When Eddie sees Kim, someone who is basically identical physically to Shannon he thinks that he can recreate those feelings because she’s just like Shannon right? I think this is going to fall apart later first because Eddie is cheating and he will be in shit for that but I don’t think he sees it as cheating cause “it’s Shannon” or at least in his eyes it is. (Even tho it’s def cheating).

I think the second reason it will fall apart with Kim is that while she is just like Shannon physically he will start to realize that Kim is not Shannon and it think that will finally be the push he needs to move on from her and start to unpack all of his catholic guilt relating to his sexuality.

Idk if this makes sense 😅 it makes sense to me. Anyways I’d love to hear other peoples thoughts.

[black-arcana]

"Rock'n'roll is alive, and I need it to stay that way": The Pretty Reckless are on the road with AC/DC, and Taylor Momsen is more than ready to rock

Supporting the Rolling Stones and AC/DC in the same week? Sounds like a pretty good few days

(Image credit: Sergione Infuso / Corbis via Getty Images)

Fronted by model/actress-turned-singer and rhythm guitarist Taylor Momsen, The Pretty Reckless formed in New York City in 2009. With their critically praised fourth album, 2021’s Death By Rock And Roll, the quartet ventured beyond alt.rock boundaries to embrace a more mature sound. Below, Momsen talks about the band’s current European tour as guests of AC/DC. 

How did you greet the news that The Pretty Reckless would be opening for AC/DC? 

One of the band members was driving when he heard, and he almost crashed his car [laughs]. Here’s a great story. Last November my agent asked me about touring. We were starting to make a record, and told him no – not unless AC/DC, The Who or the Rolling Stones called. Christmas and New Year passed, and we were in the studio. Then I get a text from Neil [Warnock, the agent] that says: ‘AC/DC, plus The Pretty Reckless. All [European] shows.’ And I go: ‘Oh shit.’ So we put the record on hold, and I guess we are going on tour. 

That’s amazing. 

Yeah, but here’s the thing. A week ago, the Rolling Stones called too. We are playing a stadium with the Stones in Las Vegas, then flying to Germany to join a tour with AC/DC in the same week. My mind is truly blown. 

AC/DC’s audiences can be pretty unforgiving of support acts. Does that bother you? 

We just get up there and do our thing. In that sense we have the same ethic as AC/DC. We’re loud – almost a bar band at the core. I can’t control how others view or perceive us, so I’m not really worried. I get to play music and then watch my favourite band every night. What’s not to love? 

You quit acting for music at the age of fourteen. What was the reason? 

Being in bands and writing songs was something I’d done since before I could even remember, but finally I reached an age where I realised I could do it. It was a bit of a fight to quit my day job, but I did it and it was the best decision I ever made. 

There’s probably a type of person who thinks of you as ‘playing at’ music, rather than playing it. 

Actually, I think the hate and negativity has kind of gone away. I was on a TV show that was a hit across the world [Gossip Girl], but we’ve been a band for almost sixteen years, we’ve toured the world relentlessly and made four records. To all those people who doubted us… [laughs] did I mention we are touring with AC/DC? You don’t get an AC/DC tour for being on a television show. It comes from paying your dues.

Kim Thayil and Matt Cameron from Soundgarden both guested on The Pretty Reckless’s most recent album, Death By Rock And Roll, as did Audioslave’s Tom Morello. Do these elder statesmen offer advice? 

Not really. We just play music together. I don’t see music as a business. It really isn’t like that any more. 

The Death By Rock And Roll album seemed to take The Pretty Reckless up several levels. 

I really like all of our records, but Death By Rock And Roll is my favourite. 

Of the track Harley Darling, Classic Rock said: “If someone said this song had fallen off Neil Young’s Harvest sessions, you’d believe it.” 

That’s an amazing compliment. Thank you. 

When might we hear the follow-up?

The record’s on hold, but we’ll get right back on to it when we finish this tour. 

Our legendary older bands are retiring, and older heroes passing away – the latest, recently, was Dickey Betts from the Allman Brothers. 

That was devastating. We had Warren Haynes [former Allmans guitarist, now with Gov’t Mule] play on Back To The River from our record Who You Selling For [ 2016]. 

Do you feel a responsibility towards keeping rock’n’roll alive? 

Rock'n'roll is alive, and I need it to stay that way. So if I can contribute to that, it’s what I’m going to do.

The Pretty Reckless are currently supporting AC/DC in Europe, with London shows on July 3 and 7, and Dublin on August 17.

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Time Travel AU

Kim stalks over to the windows, where he can see Porchay waiting on the grounds below. He isn’t brave enough to come to Kim’s door; that means he has time. 

Still, the sight of him—nervously tugging at his sleeves, rolling them up his arms, tugging them back down again, over his hands—makes Kim’s heart clench painfully. He remembers what’s going to happen as clearly as the day it transpired. 

“That boy out there,” he says to himself, “is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. He is the only person that’s ever loved you for every fucked up, broken thing you are, and you’re about to destroy the only good thing in your life when you go out there and break his heart.”

“It’s for his protection.”

“No it’s not, you sanctimonious prick,” Kim snarls. He curses himself, both of them, for ever believing this would work. As if he could somehow get through to this past version of himself, who’s too confident that what he’s doing is right because he hasn’t had to live through the pain of losing Chay, yet. He thinks he’s invincible. He has no fucking idea just how vulnerable he is. 

-

Kim meets Porchay outside, and his heart leaps into his throat when he sees that Chay is already fracturing. He doesn’t remember this—remembers the way he refused to look at Chay at all, as if his cold dismissal was ever enough to run Chay off. Chay was too stubborn for that. He never let Kim run away. Maybe he should have. 

But Kim isn’t running now. 

“Porchay,” he says on an exhale, a prayer. 

“Kimhan Theerapanyakul,” Porchay responds.  He’s already red-faced and shaking—never did learn how to hide his emotions—and he’s the most beautiful thing Kim has ever seen, and Kim won’t let him break. Not this time. He cuts in before Chay can make his accusations. 

“I love you,” he says first, because that’s the most important. If nothing else, he needs Chay to know this. He never got to say it before, and it’s hard to say it now, but it also comes as easy as breathing.“We need to talk. I’m going to tell you things that will be hard to hear, but I need you to know I love you. You are the most important thing in my life. Okay? I love you, Porchay. I love you.” 

Tears spill down Chay’s cheeks even as confusion twists his face, and he opens his mouth to ask a question, but nothing comes out. Kim cups his face, thumbs away the hot tears, and pulls Chay into a desperate hug when he crumbles. 

“What’s going on?” Chay whispers, his face tucked into Kim’s shoulder, his eyes wide and wet. The confession isn’t the comfort Kim wished it could be. Not now. It’s only a sign of worse things yet to come. 

“I’ll tell you everything,” Kim promises. “But not here.” It isn’t safe. It won’t be long before his younger self regains consciousness and frees himself—they need to get out of here before he does. Kim doesn’t know where to go, though, can’t think of a single place that’s safe. He’ll figure something out; the first priority is getting Chay as far away from his self-destructive younger self as quickly as he can. 

Kim takes Chay’s hand and leads him into the garage beneath his apartment. He clings to the fact that Chay lets him, doesn’t fight it, even when he can feel Chay’s eyes boring into him with something akin to mistrust. He knows he’s earned it. He prays it’s not too late to fix this. 

Kim bundles Chay into his Maserati and peels into the street. The sooner they’re away from this place, from the horrible memories overlaid everywhere he looks, the sooner Kim will be able to formulate a plan. 

He risks a glance at Porchay. Finds him coiled tight in the passenger seat. He shifts gears, then lays his hand over Chay’s where it’s clutching the center console in a white-knuckled grip. 

“Can you trust me?” he asks. 

“I don’t know,” Chay answers. But he turns his hand over and laces their fingers together, and it feels like Chay is giving him a second chance. It’s more than Kim had last time. Maybe Chay is only giving him enough rope to hang himself, but whatever happens now—at least Kim’s lips will have known the shape of love. 

-

In the end, Kim takes them to the studio where it all began. He clears the space, then flips every lock between them and the world outside. He steers Chay onto a leather couch against one of the walls, and sits tentatively beside him. 

“Remember I love you, okay?” he says. Chay is still clutching his hand, and Kim clings to him just as desperately. 

“You’re scaring me, Kim.” 

“I know, angel. I’m sorry.” Kim has to say this, too. He owes Chay at least one real apology. Kim has had a year to think about all the things he wishes he had said today. That makes it easier, now, the truth spilling out of him, overflowing, overwhelming, and he doesn’t stop, even when Chay begins to drown. Kim holds him while he cries, and cries, and cries. Whispers I love you, and I’m sorry, and his own eyes are wet when he realizes he’s changed nothing. He was always going to break Chay’s heart.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, APRIL 30, 2017 Tom and I have switched mattresses once again. The new mattress pad is wonderfully plush and comfy. Although a little firmer and less bouncy, with it I can stand to sleep on his mattress and give him my old one. I just hope the mattress pad stays plush and doesn’t bottom out in just a couple of months. Then I’ll hope that this mattress will last the rest of our Cali time. In Florida, I can decide which one to reorder, his or my old one. He already put a slight dent in one side, and this time I’ll be sure to spin it every month or so.

I’ve “liked” a few tweets of Aly’s, but she still hasn’t blocked me, changed handles, or told Kim. Notifications not going through?

I was reading this journal written by a young Indian woman who lives in India where marriages are arranged and they look down at you if you don’t have a kid. I can’t imagine for the life of me having to marry a total stranger, one who may be an abusive asshole and that I wasn’t even attracted to, and then forced into motherhood. Women are at least allowed to work and drive there now, so maybe someday they’ll get freedom of choice when it comes to who they marry, if they marry, and whether or not they want to have kids.

SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2017 It’s so nice to take a day off every now and then and just nap, relax, and not do much of anything, especially when I’m tired. My head still feels a little funny like when you have a cold and I’m not sure if my good ear is blocked or if I suddenly lost some hearing. I can’t be that deaf, though. I can hear traffic on the freeway and the air cleaner running.

As I was lying around vegging out, I was thinking back to my childhood. The TV shows I was into during the 70s, the disco music that was a big thing, the places I went, teachers, classmates, friends, family, etc. When I think back to that person who lived that life it just seems like a whole ‘nother person from a whole ‘nother life. My life is so very different now. I’m so different. And fortunately, almost no one that was in my life then is still in it.

I wouldn’t trade this life to return to that life for anything. The only things I miss from those days are my false sense of security, the way I lived more in the moment and didn’t worry so much about the future, some things being new and exciting, and believing that adults really knew it all. Being naïve enough to believe that as long as I exercised basic common sense, nothing could ever hurt me because all I needed to do was run to an adult, abusive or not, and they would have all the answers and could fix anything.

But what about being naïve as an adult? Is that really a good thing? I’ve heard some people say that they were going to give their lives and all their problems over to God. Even if there was a God, isn’t that a cop-out in a sense? Obviously, we can’t have everything we want in life, but shouldn’t our lives, at least for the most part, be up to us? Also, while circumstances beyond our control may arise from time to time, shouldn’t it be our responsibility to deal with them as best we can? Giving up to an entity that may not exist just doesn’t seem smart.

Neither is it to say that if God leads us to it He’ll get us through it. I read a horrifying article several years ago about two teenage girls on their way to school. One morning they decided to take a shortcut through the woods because they were late. There they met with three or four guys that raped and murdered them. My point? God led them to it but He did not get them through it.

I get that many people have the fierce need to believe certain things and will often tell themselves whatever as a way of getting through life, but I think we should be the ones in the driver’s seat of our lives whenever possible, and keep in mind none of us are invincible. We’re all going to be given more than we can handle one day and we’re all going to die. For some of us, this may happen much sooner than we expect it to.

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have all the answers and I’m more of a seeing-is-believing type of person. I doubt I would believe in psychics if I hadn’t had numerous dream premonitions along with a few other things. And maybe I would believe in ghosts if I actually saw one. I would prefer not to, though, as I would think that would be a little freaky, maybe even scary. Just because I can’t see it, though, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, which I get. I just think some things aren’t as likely as a lot of people think they are.

One thing is for sure and that’s that I would never have believed that tapping could help with anxiety. Seeing how effective EFT has been for me and countless others, I decided to see if there was anything for suppressing hunger and found this a reflexology vid on it. I can’t say that it stamps out hunger completely, but it definitely seems to dull it and take the edge off it.

Last night I dreamed that a character in some of my books that sort of resembles Nane and is a US Marshal hunted down a teenage girl that escaped from not a jail but some kind of school or someplace she didn’t want to be. It was snowing and the girl was hiding in the mountains. Just as “Nane” found the teenager, Nane shot a wolf that was creeping up behind her.

Then I dreamed I had to do another six months in jail for I don’t know what. It occurred to me that between that sentence and the one in Arizona, I would lose an entire year with Tom. This thought saddened me as I was being walked by a table at which a few detention officers sat. One of them was speaking to someone with a Bostonian accent. I asked the plump blonde woman if she was from Massachusetts and she said yes. Then I was given a coffeemaker at some point and decided to behave so I could have extras like that.

The next few dreams are vague bits and pieces… temporarily placing a couple of objects on a thick bush in front of the house across from the house I grew up in when it was dark out. Racing toward the end of the dead-end and then back to retrieve the stuff from the bush hoping that no one spotted me through the sides of their shades in which I could see light seeping out.

Finding a snake in the snow-covered backyard of that childhood house. The snake was stock-still and so I “tested” it to be sure it was really a snake by throwing snow at it. Afraid it would get into the house after I verified it was indeed a snake.

Receiving a message from a concerned woman saying I was so “lesbian lonely” and being irritated because I knew they were trying to push me away from Tom and out to find the woman I was never meant to have and wouldn’t want at this point.

Getting a ride home from one of the gorgeous Italian guards that escorted Amanda Knox to and from jail.

Searching for a new belt and wanting to wear a hot pink one but realizing my white one went better with my outfit.

THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2017 I don’t fucking believe it. I looked on Amazon at what’s in his mattress and it says it’s gel-fused memory foam. So then I go and look at mine, expecting it to say it’s just memory foam.

Then… WTF? It’s not memory foam. No, it’s NOT memory foam!

I pulled up my blanket, sheet and mattress pad and looked at the bare mattress, and I swear the mattress in the cart that I plan to get this summer is indeed my mattress. Looking at the product description, plus all the things checked on a checklist, it really isn’t memory foam. So then what I’ve been having his pure peri-fatso-related that’s been overheating me??? I really thought the topper was memory foam! I pushed my open palms down on it and it didn’t feel like memory foam and it didn’t look like memory foam when I quickly pulled my hands away either. Really hope it’s the peri because the fatso part is never going away until they develop a way for me to have more than 1000 cals and still lose weight.

Before this discovery, we ordered a 2” plush mattress pad in hopes of blocking the warming effects of the memory foam I now know I don’t have. I’m going to see if it makes his mattress comfortable enough for me since it’s new and not sagging. If it does, then all I need to do is sleep on that and give him this old sagging one. He could sleep on anything, unlike me.

I just wish I knew why my body was so temperamental when it came to temperature. When I got up it was 70° in here and I was warm. Later it was 75° and I was chilly. Go figure.

Even though I seem to have a permanent cold, I think I’ll go out walking because I can never know when I’ll get the chance to do it again. I felt better at the beginning of my day yesterday, but then my throat grew irritated and I was coughing. Still congested too, and I wonder how much of it is contributed by the rats.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26, 2017 My throat is better today than it was yesterday. Yesterday it was hard to talk without my voice cutting off or a coughing fit ensuing.

Tom’s lab numbers are great. His TSH is 1.something. He saw his doctor today and everything was great except for wax buildup in his ears. The doctor offered to clean it out for him but he said he would take care of it himself, knowing they would probably charge $200 just to do it and that it would probably hurt like hell. We have an earwax removal kit. He was also down 6 pounds.

We went on a 15-minute walk (I had already been on the skier for 15 minutes), partly to verify where that loud car lives that we suspect is owned by someone too young to live here and who isn’t the caretaker. It turns out that it is at the house I suspected it was at, but the great thing is that the house is up for sale. Yes!!! The sign said, “Newly listed.” I just hope I’m not replaced by someone moving in with a car that’s just as loud or a motorcycle.

I wonder if they got complained on…kids living there, dogs allowed to bust out loose through a doggy door, and now this guy. Why live in a retirement community if you want to live like you’re in the mainstream?

The only other thing that’s been running around loose here, though I don’t mind since it’s not noisy or destructive in any way, is a tuxedo cat. It was curled up in the grassy area between our property and next door when I stepped out to pull the packages in. It appears healthy, so I doubt it’s a stray.

Temps are going to be climbing into the 80s so it’s time to switch the bedroom and bathroom vents. I close the bedroom one in the winter and open it wide in the bathroom, then do just the opposite in the summer. Oh, the motorcycles and car stereos I’m going to hear on the freeway at night!

Tom had talked about putting posts on the far side of the bed in which to attach the soundproofing material so as to at least muffle the traffic sounds. But then I got a brilliant idea. Why not hang it from a ceiling rod? I was looking at room partitions and one of them was a hanging privacy curtain. We decided to get the rod instead of the curtain and attach the soundproofing material to its hooks. Another benefit to this is that it will divvy up the huge bedroom and make it sort of like two rooms in one with a little mini-retreat in the back. It may keep the room cooler in the summer as well.

I hate to disappoint the rats but now that we know we’re going to use what’s left of the soundproofing material, I dragged it from the bookcase into the bedroom. They like to run through it, but I don’t want them pissing or chewing in it any more than they probably have. Instead, I took an old brown Snuggy blanket from my folks and made a new tent in that area by draping it off the shelf above the bottom one. Now Burkey boy can chew the old book tops in private.

So far the new shampoo seems to be preventing my hair from falling out as much, but it dries my hair a bit and makes it harder to brush through, even with the detangling brush. It will be interesting to see if I get new hair growth or if it just slows down hair loss.

Later…

OMG, I’m so pissed right now! And confused as hell. Burke just went crazy and practically attacked me for reasons I’ll never understand, screaming as if he was in pain or terrified when we were just playing as we always play. I’ve got cuts all over my hands and arms. I hate to think of how much worse they would be if I had worn long sleeves, but still, I’ve had it with this scaredy rat crap and these fucking rats acting like I beat the shit out of them regularly.

I terrorized him a bit afterward and I don’t feel guilty for it. He deserved it. I treat them like gold and they treat me like this? I don’t deserve this shit with all the time, work and money we both put into caring for them. He’s lucky I didn’t beat the shit out of him to the brink of death. Believe me, I want to. And the fuckers we got him from. I’ve got raised welts now that are itchy and sore. Really I want to kill the little bastard and I almost wish Hoodie was still alive so I could put the bastards together and let them kill each other.

I always knew these rats were skittish and general. They came from the wrong people. I just never thought he would lose it on me like that and turn on me. I don’t know that he was actually trying to attack me more than he was just freaking out, but still, enough is enough of this shit. These rats are just fucking ridiculous with their skittishness. Burke sort of acted like he felt bad about it afterward, but I was too pissed to care.

Still no response from Tammy about Lisa’s message, and I still don’t know if she just didn’t get it or if she got it, passed it along to Lisa, and Lisa’s like Aly… unable to move on.

Funny how many people preach forgiveness because I don’t see many people in general showing a good example of that. Personally, I wish I could be less forgiving myself. I really do. I could ignore Andy and Paula, but I would probably still be dumb enough to talk to Aly, Nane and Maliheh if they contacted me. Not responding would be both smart and what they would deserve, though.

TUESDAY, APRIL 25, 2017 Believe it or not, I feel like I have another cold. Either that or I relapsed back into my old one. I’m rundown, my throat is scratchy, and I’m a little congested. I still can’t shake the feeling that something is trying to prevent me from working out regularly that I’m damn near tempted to just do my ab crunches and back flies to keep my core strong and say fuck the rest.

Even though I’ve been wonderfully anxiety-free, the one thing I’m not looking forward to when I see the new shrink is having to start all over again discussing my childhood and parents. It isn’t that I’m unable to do so. Hell, I’ve written a bio that includes it and I’ve discussed it so many times to the point where it doesn’t invoke the emotions it would 25 years ago and I’ve desensitized myself to it in a sense, but it’s just so in the past, you know? Like watching the same movie over and over and over again. It isn’t that I can’t bear to remember or talk about them; it’s that I just don’t want to. What happened, happened and I accept that and that it can’t be changed or undone in any way. That doesn’t mean it was okay or that what I went through was good in any way, it’s just that I don’t care to discuss anyone I was wronged or abused by in any way, dead or alive. I prefer to move on and focus on those who are a positive or at least a neutral influence on my life, and this doesn’t only extend to my parents.

Memories of my parents will pop into mind at random, unbidden. They will also come to me in my dreams and there’s nothing I can do about that, but I don’t want to focus on them or anyone else who was abusive or negative because I’m to the point where it would actually be more counterproductive than therapeutic if I continued to discuss and dwell on certain people. I’m not the person I was when I last saw my folks in the ‘90s, and well, the past is the past. Today I’m surrounded by loving, accepting, positive people and that’s what I choose to focus on. I don’t want to remember how Dad said this or how Mom did that. It’s history.

Yesterday something was running somewhere for over an hour (a woodchipper?), and today it’s the regular landscaping, but hey, there’s always something. I thought it was that car and a motorcycle, but it wasn’t. That car, however, just came in for the second time since I got up at noon, and it’s too early for this to be its last run. I’m sure the fucker will be waking me up as I sleep later and later.

Aly started tweeting again coincidentally after I tweeted about it being both funny and sad that she stopped using her account simply because I wished her a happy birthday. Coincidence or not, I highly doubt she reads my tweets or blog. Just a feeling, I guess.

I had a slight rash under my arms as well as on my stomach by my belly button, but Cortizone has helped it a bit. I was really worried the pits would need steroid gel.

The hair regrowth shampoo arrived today and I used it a little while ago for the first time. No bad smell. No irritation. It left my hair feeling nice and clean, too. Maybe a little dry, but that’s what conditioner and Paul Mitchell are for. It’s going to be a week or two before I can get a sense of whether or not it’s going to thicken up my hair in the thinning areas, or anywhere for that matter.

My new blanket arrived and my only complaint is that it’s no wider than the dark purple zebra blanket was. It would be nice if it were 3 or 4 inches longer on each side to at least cover the side of the mattress. It is very beautiful, though. Not sure what Hoeng Xin Day means either.

My new blue crystal bracelet is stunning. My only complaint about this one is that the tiny crystals are glued on and it’s easy to knock them off when you put it on.

I also got the new fashions for the BFF dolls. They’re okay. Nothing special. But at least they have something that’s new and not stretched out or torn like most of the clothes they came in.

I watched a movie on my phone the other night at the end of my day when I was too tired to get up and do anything else but not ready for sleep yet. It was small but different.

For once my dreams were kind of funny. Definitely weird and unique. First Tom wouldn’t tell me who he was mailing an old album to (like the ones he had in Arizona), and then my panties were stuck to the ceiling. Then he opened a sliding door to some room I was sitting on the floor in and said, “Sweat it out,” before handing me lunch money, which consisted of some change. Where I was buying lunch from, though, is a mystery. I was also on a busy street in which that loud car passed, watching someone pick up old car parts with Tom, and coloring in a coloring book that played music when opened.

I met Trump somewhere and he invited me to the “Harrisburg House” for Thanksgiving dinner. I told him I didn’t drive and was hoping he would offer to have me picked up, not because I supported him but because I was simply curious, but he didn’t. He didn’t seem to get the driving phobia thing and was bordering on his typical judgmental self.

Then I met with him and his wife at some restaurant. When his wife went to use the bathroom he “kindly” suggested I didn’t have to do the scheduled phone reports he wanted me to do, obviously not liking me for the job. Glad he brought it up, but figuring that if he didn’t get the driving phobia then he certainly wouldn’t get a sleep disorder, I decided to use something more tangible as an excuse to get out of something I didn’t want to do to begin with. So I showed him my bad ear and said I couldn’t hear well enough for phone conversations anyway.

Not at all surprisingly, he made a grossed-out sound at the sight of it. He was so disgusted that he was about to cancel dinner and have us all go home, but I talked him into staying because I was hungry and he was paying for it, LOL.

MONDAY, APRIL 24, 2017 It’s almost May yet it’s getting down to 47° tonight. It was anything but cool in my sleep. Yeah, the hot flashes are back. I’ve been waking up warm for the last week or so, but last night my heart raced as well. It stopped pretty fast after I got up to pee and then I fell back asleep. Overall I slept okay the last three nights and had plenty of energy for cleaning Tom’s room and bathroom. Tomorrow I’ll do my room and bathroom. Wednesday I’ll do the kitchen and dining area and Thursday I’ll do the living room. Friday’s laundry day, though I also do a load on Saturday so his work pants are clean.

I’d really like to get a waterbed because they’re so comfortable, they don’t get saggy after a while, and I figured I’d be less likely to overheat I’m one of those, but for reasons I can’t understand, waterbeds are very scarce and very expensive these days. The memory foam craze, something I’ll also never understand, probably caused people to lose interest in it. Air mattresses are awesome comfy and less warm, but I don’t want to have to deal with leaks every few months either.

I’ll more than likely get a new mattress every 5 years and it will be the same one. The reason my mind got stuck on the idea of a high-ender was cuz I figured if it costs more money then it must last 15+ years instead of 5. But the more I think about it, no bed could possibly last that long. Foam breaks down and there’s no getting around that. I can see why they change beds every 5 years in hotels.

When I get the new mattress (we’re waiting until August when it’s closer to the next ball pickup and they can take this mattress as well as the old box spring since we’ll be getting him a new stand) I’ll need to put the body pillow on the far side so that I can roll over to the other side when one side gets heated up.

Just when it seemed like I might be getting at least some of my old libido back, I’ve lost it again and I’m a typical older person, but oh well.

I don’t know if it’s more pathetic or funny that Aly’s been afraid to tweet from her account since I tweeted a birthday wish to her. Why not just go private then? I’m really surprised she hasn’t changed handles and that Kim hasn’t gone on a blocking spree.

I just have to remind myself that it’s pointless to care about those who don’t care about me and probably never did. She may have been intelligent, but she was otherwise a selfish, self-serving, two-faced liar.

That fucking car has come and gone twice in the four hours I’ve been up. It’s actually warming up for a second run out, which is no doubt not its last run. Too early in the day to be its last run. Tom got a look at the scrawny cock that always has a cigarette in its mouth when we were out trimming, and he agrees they’re probably staying with someone and they don’t look old enough to be here. I want to verify what house it’s at and get the license plate. Then I want to contact the office anonymously and have them look into it. If it’s a caretaker, then so be it. But if they’re here “illegally,” I want them gone. I don’t know why I thought it was a Firebird. It’s a light silver car with red writing on the back that clearly says: Subaru. Maybe that’s enough for the office. Now I just have to verify that it’s the house I think it is. It’s next to the house the contractor lived in; the one he looked at and the same one that has kids in it and a dog running loose through a doggie door. Don’t know if the kids are still there, but I’m sure the dog is.

Now someone’s gunning a motorcycle, but at least I haven’t heard landscaping… yet.

Tom should be leaving work in a half-hour. It’s still so weird but nice having him home more often. Just wish it could’ve been this way when I was anxious. Speaking of that, I worry that since the hot flashes are back, the anxiety may return as well. I have three goals I’m hoping to achieve. The first one is to get past my June visit with A without anxiety. Then I want to get to September and beat my six-month record. Then if I can manage to achieve that much, I will hope to finish out the year anxiety-free.

While I had the energy to clean I’m now starting to feel fatigued and almost like I still have slight traces of my cold.

Today I will finish copying individual entries over to Prosebox. I’ll end up with around 8K entries. I’ve written on about 8K dates since I started journaling but probably made over 10K entries since I sometimes do multiple entries in a day.

We did an Amazon order and grabbed another bail of bedding for the rats, him some computer/electronics-related stuff, and a few things for me. A new beautiful fleece blanket with large bright pink flowers, a sapphire crystal wrap bracelet, a few fashions for the BFF Club dolls, and an $18 bottle of shampoo that’s supposed to thicken hair. My hair is still a bit thin on top in the front and just above the temples as well.

Last night I dreamed an older, heavy guy told me he had a bad dream about me. I asked them what it was about and was about to take notes, but woke up before he could tell me.

I also dreamed I was living with some woman and we had this guy staying with us who kept waking us up, so we knew we had to kick him out.

SUNDAY, APRIL 23, 2017 I’ve been having irritation on my left armpit and I can see little red bumps on it. Really hope it’s not the same shit I have on my pussy. Started applying the diaper rash gel on it. I have one little red “zit” on the other pit.

Last night I dreamed I was standing outside somewhere with Nane. There were other people around. Someone was asking her how to say, “I have…”

“Ich habe…,” she said.

Then we were walking down a corridor with me in front of her. I turned into a small room that seemed to be her bedroom and hopped onto the full-size bed. She laid down next to me, faced me and smiled and said, “Hello brunette.”

I told her I was horny but that I had someone else to take care of that for me, got up and left the room.

Then I was typing somewhere and the words kept turning to French.

In the weirdest dream, I was walking through the woods and came out into a clearing with a small parking lot. At the side of the lot was a couch that Tom was going to sleep on. It was raining lightly, but he didn’t seem to mind.

I was halfway across the parking lot when he spoke to me. I signed to him that I couldn’t hear him. When he repeated himself I heard him say that he set up my tent for me (which I assumed was to protect me from the rain).

On the other side of the parking lot, I reentered the woods and went into a tent about 30 feet into the woods. There was a full-size bed in the tent with no room to walk around it as the tent walls hugged it tightly. Leaving the side I slept on unzipped, I turned to face Tom who suddenly appeared on the other side of the bed.

Then we heard some strange rhythmic sound that was a cross between a hiss and a metallic clank. Curious, we opened a small opening at the head of the bed and the sound, which seemed to be coming from somewhere deep below us, became louder. I asked if he thought it could be a clock of some kind and he didn’t think so. I then suggested we just go to sleep, wanting Tom to stay where he was so he would be out of the rain.

Later…

Prosebox is having some serious tech issues, so I’m going to return to updating Blogger regularly and sharing that to Facebook.

Tom and I watch shows, some the same, some different, on Netflix and Amazon. I just finished Rectify, and then Tom recommended Bosch on Amazon. Glad he did too, as I loved the books Michael Connelly wrote that inspired the series!

We trimmed some trees and blew twigs off the patio roof, and while he was at it, Tom accidentally started the car. The keys with the remote were in his pocket, LOL. It shuts itself off after 10 minutes, but he shut it off right away.

Said hello to Bob and Virginia who were seeing what looked like their DIL off after a visit.

SATURDAY, APRIL 22, 2017 Aly’s been afraid to tweet from her account since I wished her a happy birthday, LOL. That’s her problem. I went private too, so I could be more open about things. I wish Twitter allowed us to make some tweets private while leaving the others public.

We both slept well and long last night and woke up feeling much more refreshed. He always catches up on his sleep on weekends. He went to the lab early in the morning and they were jam-packed. He had to wait over an hour, and then the girl had trouble finding his veins because his blood pressure medication thins them out.

We’re both just about 100% recovered from our colds. Just a little leftover congestion. That was quite a cold! Really thought I’d be better in a few days, not just over a week. Hopefully, it will be well over a year before we’re sick again.

As for the really loud car I’ve mentioned before… it looks like it could be someone staying at the house where the kids have been known to live (gee, what a surprise), and if that’s the case I want to report them. I never reported the kids because they didn’t affect me since they’re on the other side of the circle, but this insanely loud car has woken me up enough. Why do these people live here if they want to let their dog run loose and have underage people living here? It’s probably the boyfriend of the daughter.

I heard it leave last night for its third time out at about 9:30 and thought, “Shit, now I have to wait till it comes back before I can go to sleep.” But I fell asleep and it managed to return without waking me up.

First I need to see what I can learn without giving myself away. I don’t want to be reporting them if God forbid they’re a lot older than they look or if they’re a caretaker. If I do end up reporting them, it’s going to be done anonymously. I learned years ago how people can be if you complain on them, no matter how legit your complaint may be.

Tom was joking about how many people must think I’m underage, haha. I have had people ask me that, too.

Went to Target and grabbed a few pairs of shorts. I needed new styles and a better fit. I’ve had a lifetime supply of athletic shorts, but no decent regular shorts. Got a pair in bold pink, light denim, and a pair that looks black in dim light while bordering on navy in bright light. The waists are lower cut and the legs are shorter as opposed to the ones that go almost to the knees. To me, they’re not really “shorts” if they go to the knees.

We were out in front of the house deciding what trees by the master bedroom to trim. There’s a rosebush and then something else that we’re going to trim, then he’s going to blow off the patio roof, and hopefully that will deter woodpeckers, though I didn’t hear anything yesterday. It may not be seeds they’re after, but maybe twigs for nesting. That’s why we’re going to keep things below the patio roof; to lower the chances of things blowing onto it.

Other than winning CampNaNo, I don’t have any other real plans for the day. Just doing a load of laundry and kicking back with my writing, audiobooks and Netflix.

I had these weird dreams about flying fairy dolls, recording myself singing, and Stacey. Stacey saw me out some door and into a hallway after a session that didn’t look anything like where I saw her, and I didn’t say anything to her last comment. Then, realizing I wanted to tell her one more thing but that it was late and she might be leaving, I ran to look for her and caught a glimpse of what I thought might be her in a stairwell. Then, hoping that wasn’t her, I went to look for her somewhere else.

FRIDAY, APRIL 21, 2017 Took a lorazepam last night so I would sleep sounder, and I did, but still woke up feeling fatigued. In fact, I’m more tired today than I was yesterday and for a while, my throat was getting sore again. So I’m trying not to overdo it, although I have done quite a bit. Spent 20 minutes on the skier, did the laundry, ordered groceries, and now I’m airing the place out on this gorgeous day. Hoping to win NaNo today too, though the story won’t be finished completely until whenever. Maybe I can do a quick workout on the Bowflex as well, then if I’m really lucky, I can finally get in a good run or a bike ride around the park this weekend.

The only thing spoiling the peace are the usual things… landscaping and traffic. Well, now there’s the woodpecker, too. From now until the fall are when they’re most active and therefore the most annoying, but I honestly don’t know what the hell we can do about it. I guess we can start by trimming some trees lower than the patio roof as I suspect some seeds are blowing off of them and onto the roof. Fortunately, they don’t go on and on pecking away at the roof, but the few pecks here and there are pretty damn annoying. I always think Bob’s hammering or someone’s knocking on the door.

Oh great. Next door’s grand animal is now visiting and old enough to be annoying. It’s laughing and screaming away. Toddlers are the worst. Old enough to run around making a racket outdoors, but not old enough for school. I got enough fresh air in here and now it’s warming up anyway, so I’ll close the windows. That should be enough to drown it out and if it isn’t I’ll put on some white noise.

THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 2017 Still no change with Aly and Kim, but as expected, Aly stopped tweeting. She’s not going to tweet from an account she knows I know about, even though her tweets are usually pretty generic.

My congestion and sneezing stopped yesterday and I am definitely on the mend. Still tired, though. I only slept a little bit better last night. Nothing woke me up, which meant that God had to make sure I woke up just because. This time, however, I fell back asleep relatively fast and I didn’t have to take anything.

I had to do some exercise because my lower back was aching as it usually does when I don’t exercise. Even though I get knocked off track every other week with the exercise because I’m tired so much of the time, I just can’t afford to stop altogether or else I’ll have all kinds of problems with my joints and more.

Rather than lower my weights, I did fewer reps. I didn’t want to push it. I think I did too much the day before yesterday and that’s part of why I felt so shitty yesterday.

Got up early, took a bath with a Love Me bath bomb, and polished my nails. Magenta glitter on the toes, neon pink on the fingers. Then I did some computer work and I’m already starting to burn out a bit. I think I’ll go lie down before I work on my story.

The only dream I remember from last night was sitting in a car with Tammy. She was sitting in the driver’s seat smoking a cigarette and I was sitting directly behind her, encouraging her to quit (she really did quit for real).

Then I got out of the car saying I wanted to go brush my hair, haha. Speaking of that, I think it needs to be trimmed and re-layered. Maybe I’ll have that done this weekend without taking any length off of it. It’s been six months since my last trim.

Tom has to go to the lab this weekend and we have to pick up prescriptions for losartan and levothyroxine.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19, 2017 I’m so pissed and frustrated right now. I’m in my 50s yet I’m STILL fighting for the right to sleep. I haven’t slept this bad since apartment life. If there are any two subjects, two patterns, that are evident in my life to make me think there is something up there planning and cursing me, it’s lust and sleep.

I crashed last night around 5 PM, then at 9:30 that fucking car woke me up. At least I’m pretty sure it was that car. The fucking thing typically takes off around lunchtime and then again in the evening. I got a good look at the driver again - a scrawny smoker with a dark beard and mustache – and I still say they look too young to live here. Both car and driver just don’t smack of retirement stuff, but they also don’t smack of caregiver either. Yet they’ve been here for months, so unless they’re caring for an aging parent, I’ll likely be stuck having to listen to this vehicle for years just like with the people across from Bob and Virginia, though that’s not nearly as loud and they don’t go out twice a day or more.

There are numerous vehicles these days that are thunderously loud and wake me up, but I think that’s the main culprit of the vehicles lately. Too pissed to fall back asleep right away, I took a Tylenol PM and fell back asleep about an hour later, maybe a little more. Then I woke up for no reason at 3:30, whined to Tom and minute or two, and then fell back asleep until 6:30.

I awoke groggy and totally out of it. Tom stressed the need for me to take the day to do nothing at all, and this time I gladly took his advice and did just that… nothing. The only thing I did was freshen up, apply my steroid gel, and dump some trash. I gathered the On This Day entries that I’ve been emailing Tom each day, along with a scenic picture as I normally include, but spent almost all day in bed listening to the near dozen or so ferociously loud vehicles that passed by, and wondering where the hell I could ever get decent sleep. If I can’t sleep here, then where??? It really truly does feel like something has been cursing my sleep all these years. The only difference has been how depending on where I’ve lived. It seems to use whatever’s convenient. Since it couldn’t use neighbors or traffic in Maricopa, it used sonic booms. I just don’t know where I can possibly get good sleep more than half the time. Even if I was as deaf as a doorknob, it would just have me wake up more often just because, right? If you can’t use somebody or something, then why not do it just because? If I got a sensory deprivation tank to sleep in, it would just make sure that I overheated, had nightmares, or woke up just for shits and giggles to make up for the lack of sounds waking me up, correct?

So I guess that no matter where I live I’m destined to spend half the time too tired to do much more than rant in my journal. I was never allowed to have true lust, and I’m still not allowed to sleep normally, as if the lack of schedule isn’t bad enough. Seriously… being scheduleless AND a light sleeper. How cursed is that? Tom can sleep throughout this noise with absolutely no background sounds. But I have white noise blasting and it still wakes me up. What is the difference between him and me? What is it he’s got that I don’t have that’s keeping him asleep through it while it’s waking me up? I tell myself it’s better than anxiety, and it is, but it’s bad enough that there’s always something going on with me. I need my sleep same as anybody else.

It appears that Tammy might’ve joined Prosebox after recommending a particular cold medicine when I shared an entry about being sick on Facebook, but I don’t see any books. Maybe she was just curious to see if there was anything she couldn’t see of mine from the outside looking in? She hates to write, so I can’t believe she joined to start journaling.

Aly hasn’t changed handles and Kim hasn’t blocked me, so I don’t know what to think at this point. Right now I don’t care. I just want to sleep! And I want to be able to do it more than a couple of times a week, too.

I had a dream I was standing in the middle of a large grassy slope. I looked down at my “fake bake,” and realized I had the power hose in my hand and that I had to be careful with it.

A dog suddenly appeared with some weird thing on its head that almost looked like a cross between a bandage and a headband. I muttered something that didn’t make any sense and headed down the slope toward a pool.

TUESDAY, APRIL 18, 2017 Aly and Kim didn’t block me like I expected, but she’s doing what she usually does; saying she’ll catch up later after thanking people for the birthday wishes and saying she had a great but tiring day yesterday. I’m sure both of them will change handles within a day or two, and then block me. But we’ll see. Maybe I’ll be surprised this time, even if some things rarely do change.

Because I rarely get sick this cold has been hard on me. Day 5 and I’m still congested and sneezing. My eyes were watering earlier to the point that it looked like I’d been crying for hours. My diaphragm muscles are sore from sneezing and coughing.

Anything is better than anxiety, but I’m more than ready to get better! It’s boring just lying around doing close to nothing, but I have little energy to do much else. I did figure out how to get Alexa’s loop mode on, but I haven’t worked on my story much.

My camera’s battery died and we ordered a new one, plus a charger.

Not much else going on. It’s going to be a rainy day in the upper 60s, and that’s about it for now.

MONDAY, APRIL 17, 2017 My Dumbo ratty hurt his foot somehow. I noticed him limping around earlier. It seems to be his back right foot, though it looks fine when I looked at it. I don’t see any cuts or swelling or anything, but I’ll keep a close eye on him.

I was telling Tom the other day how much I wish we had a lanai like Tammy has where I could enjoy the outdoors when it was warm enough, but without the bees picking on me. What we might eventually do is wrap some screen around part of the patio and support posts, and then have one of those magnetic screen doors where the magnetized flaps close as you go through it. We don’t want to block the front door, of course, so we’re thinking we would go just beyond that on down to the bedroom. It’s nothing that’s in our immediate future, though, because we still have to deal with the roof this summer.

Still feeling rundown, sniffly and sneezy, so I’m taking breaks in between doing this and that. It’s easy to think you’ll be over a cold in just a few days when you’re fit and healthy, and then you remember that they do say they last 7-10 days for a reason. Well, I’m on day 4.

I did it. I wish Aly a happy birthday. She’s 36 now. I know I’m going to regret it. She’s just going to stop using the account for a few days and then change her handle if she doesn’t change handles right away. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I feel she even deserves to be wished a happy birthday by someone she hurt and pissed off like she did me. Like many who grew up as an only child, she is one of the most selfish, spoiled people I know. She treats shitty people well and shits on the good ones. But what’s done is done. If she doesn’t want to keep in touch every now and then, maybe it will at least spoil her birthday a little. Yes, we have the right to pick and choose our friends, as it should be, but in serving herself by dumping me, she really hurt me. If she’s not willing to do anything to make up for some of the hurt, the lies, the games, the anger… then maybe she oughta do a little suffering.

She doesn’t live with her girlfriend like I thought she did. She lives with a couple of gay guys. “Kinksters who take fitness seriously,” she describes them as. A part of me wants them to be her karma for dumping me just like she was my karma for dumping Andy, even if Andy kind of dumped me too, and tossed out on the street so she has to run back to Mommy and Daddy. Especially since Kim’s not going to dump her as long as Aly’s not willing to call her out on her own shit.

A bigger part of me wishes we could resume our friendship without the dishonesty and without being made to feel like she’s expecting too much of me, but I know this isn’t possible.

SUNDAY, APRIL 16, 2017 I’m not fully recovered yet, but I can only stand to lie around in bed so much. This is the longest I’ve gone without working out in quite a while, and I don’t think I’m going to return to it this time. I know I could be asking for joint, muscle and health issues, not to mention weight gain that I can’t get back off, but I’m tired of this sometimes I can work out/sometimes I can’t routine. Some things I prefer to be more consistent with. Most of the time I’m simply too tired to work out. I just don’t have the energy I used to have, especially in a place where I sleep so poorly half the time. Once I hit menopause and we’re living on a quieter street, then maybe I’ll consider regular workouts again. Traffic didn’t wake me up last time around, but a coughing fit sure did. I had to get up and shoot a liquid cough drop in my throat.

I was mentally comparing this place with the house we rented in Oregon, and yeah, we had car stereos and delivery trucks, but there just weren’t nearly as many loud vehicles there. There were no motorcycles and every other car and truck didn’t sound like a fucking semi. That, along with the road being closer to the house, is why it’s so much worse here for sleeping.

Anyway, I got over the worst of the sore throat yesterday, but my head is stopped up and I’m really drained. Yesterday I was coughing like crazy but that’s gotten better. Right now I mostly feel rundown, but not sick enough to take a cold pill. Yesterday I skipped my thyroid meds, not because I felt jittery or anxious, but so I could go straight for the food and cold pills. Except for things like ibuprofen, if you take vitamins, antacids or other pills within four hours of thyroid meds, it will render the thyroid meds useless. Skipping a day here and there isn’t dangerous any more than skipping a few months would be in my case. It’s if I went years I would be in trouble.

For the next 2-3 days, I’m going to be basically on bed rest, as boring as it is. My mind thinks of all the things I’d like to do, but my body just isn’t interested. Thank goodness for Tom. He picked up the groceries and did some of the laundry.

Other than being sick for the first time in over a year, things are good. Slow, cold, wet, but good. I’ll even still win NaNoWriMo since I set my word count goal ridiculously low at 10K. That may be like 100K to most people, but I could practically write 10K in my sleep. Hell, I’m a writer. It’s what we do.

Got some bunk beds with a desk on one side for my larger dolls, and wow! Tom assembled it while I slept. It’s so solid and sturdy. It’s made of wood and not plastic, so it’s pretty heavy. It’s better made than my own damn dresser, haha. It cost $60 and is white with pink cherry blossoms scattered about. There’s a little chair you put by the desk, which has shelves I put some jewelry and some air freshener on. I’ve got a doll sitting at the desk, one lying “asleep” on the lower bunk, and three sitting on the top bunk. It’s cute but it takes up a lot of space, even sitting on my headboard shelf. The thing also comes with mattresses, blankets and pillows.

It also has a drawer underneath it for clothes, but instead I thought it was the perfect place to store my wax cubes, since the warmer sits right next to it.

The Twenties returned a few days ago from wherever they went.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2017 I want to take a moment to thank my wonderful husband for getting me sick. Yeah, it’s official. The cold I thought I escaped gripped me by the throat rather fast and furiously yesterday. I see what he means when he describes the sore throat on a scale of 1 to 10 as being a 7. Sometimes it feels more like an 8 or 9, though. No wonder I was so rundown yesterday and why I felt a touch weak and tight in the lungs. My back and neck are a bit achy now. So for the millionth time, my workouts will be interfered with.

I was also mistaken when I said that the last time I was sick was in 2012. I was actually sick in January of last year. Either way, it started with a really sore throat for him and then he had coughing and congestion. I suppose that’s next for me. :-( Thankfully I work at home.

I did have to uninstall Social Fixer after all. Wouldn’t let me comment on posts, including my own. Oh well. Like I said before, I don’t use Facebook much anyway. I like that we can choose colored backgrounds on short posts, though, so I posted that I was sick. I’m sure the same people will comment on it, too.

The only dream I remember had to do with me filling an aquarium of some kind, first with tap water, and then I went and got pool water for some reason, wearing a bikini the whole time, LOL.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12, 2017 One of my nieces got a job promotion. Good for her!

Meanwhile, I can once again post to my Facebook wall but I can’t comment on other people’s posts or things they post to my wall. I tell you one of these days I am seriously going to deactivate there! I’m so sick of the glitches and lack of privacy. I just hate to make others feel abandoned and this is why I’ve kept the account this long.

I may have to uninstall Social Fixer. It was great to have the filter, but I can just unfollow those who get a little too repetitious for my tastes. Plus I’m only there once a day to check for messages and I only see what’s on top of the feed when I do check in. Had Tammy not been on top I would have missed the post about the promotion. When I sent her my last message there Messenger was down, so she probably didn’t get it and maybe not even the email I sent. I send weird things a lot of the time, including graphics, and some of it may get marked as spam.

Nice to see the religion of “peace” showing that they’re actually quite the opposite… again. sighs sadly Some people really never do change, no matter how many times they make the news on account of their savageness, but those that dare bash them be damned, right?

It’s raining again, so I’m not going out running tonight. It’s Bowflex night anyway. I see it’s to rain Sunday, too. Good. That’s prime motorcycle day, so it will be nice to get a break from that.

Tons cold is getting better. He worked a little overtime yesterday to grab an extra hundred bucks to make up for the day he lost.

TUESDAY, APRIL 11, 2017 Okay, so Tammy is either ignoring my messages or messing with me. And Becky. And Sarah. I sent all three of them messages and not one of them responded. The messages don’t even appear to be seen. But coincidently, test messages sent to Marie and Becky K were seen and replied to right away.

So what does this mean? Is my family playing with me? Trying to keep me at a distance? Upset with me? But if they were upset with me, why not say so? I can’t believe they wouldn’t have sent a quick reply, so I emailed Tammy. Besides, Facebook has been known to be glitchy. As a matter of fact, I can’t post to my wall right now. I don’t think it has to do with Social Fixer, which a PBer recommended, because I was able to post after installing it. I only have it in Safari and not FF, yet I can’t post when I bring Facebook up in FF either, or from his account.

Social Fixer is awesome! It does much more than just filter names and words you’re sick of. You can block trending news and do other things as well. I’m grateful to the person that recommended it. :-) I’ll never be an avid Facebook user regardless, but when I do check in for messages it will be nice not to have to see the same old shit I’m beyond sick of every time I land on the newsfeed, which I no longer bother to scroll through. I see what happens to be at the top of the feed and that’s it. People have proven to be repetitious by nature, as I myself can be, so there’s really no need to keep tabs on everything they post because I pretty much know them well enough to know what they’re going to post. Also, I was never into their games, so there really isn’t much to do there since one can only update their status and check in with others so often.

I went on a 15-minute walk, even though I know it should have been longer. I didn’t want to venture too far in case one of the nastier-looking clouds decided to open up on me. It wasn’t dark yet but it was getting there. Some people were out walking their dogs.

The Twenties still aren’t around, but someone’s been in their house. Last night one of the bedroom lights was on and tonight it’s off. I hope nothing is wrong with them. They’re nice people and good neighbors and I would hate to lose them for someone with dogs and motorcycles.

Tom was too sick to go to work today so he spent the day in bed. He was saying how he was spoiled by not getting many colds. Therefore, getting this cold really hit him hard. I get sick even less often, so I get what he’s saying. I haven’t been sick in years. I think the last time I was really sick was in 2012.

MONDAY, APRIL 10, 2017 Here we go again with the blasting TV. Can anyone else hear this shit? What the hell is wrong with people? Remind me never to give a shit about who might be put out by anything I do. If they’re not giving a shit about me, I’m not giving a shit about them.

That last sentence is something I should apply to Aly as well, but it’s still a little easier said than done. Sad, huh? I’m the girl who always preached not having anything to do with those who weren’t good to us, yet I still miss her at times.

A part of me is tempted to tweet her happy birthday on the 17th from my main account on the off chance she actually talks to me. If not it will certainly surprise her and maybe even piss her off and ruin her birthday at least a little. That’s another thing I still have mixed emotions about; I want to see her hurt for hurting me, but then I hope that she can finally get over the past, move on, and talk to me every now and then.

If I do it and I don’t get a reply from Aly and then Kim starts blocking me - no problem. I’ll just dump that account and create a new one. I’m not going to let Kim have the fun of blocking me unless Aly and I ever are connected again.

Later…

I spontaneously decided, though I’m not sure why, to write this message to Lisa which I gave to Tammy to forward to her. Really hope I don’t end up regretting it, but as always, when people get to us, if they get to us, there’s always the beauty of ignoring them. I’d rather not have to do so, but I won’t hesitate to cut the whole family off again and for good if I ever feel it necessary to do so. As far as I’m concerned, everyone but Tom is potentially dumpable. I’ve simply grown too old and too impatient to fight with people when I can simply not have anything to do with them. I don’t work with these people and I don’t live with them, and therefore I can avoid them if I ever feel I’m getting more negative out of being connected than positive.

Hi Lisa,

I hope you are doing well and that you don’t mind that I asked your mom to piggyback this message to you. Usually, when I cease to communicate with friends and family or they cease to communicate with me, that’s the way I prefer it to stay. And it has remained that way with aunts, uncles and cousins of mine, including some old friends.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be writing this to you, and you have my word that I will continue to respect your wishes if you choose not to contact me because the last thing I want to do is bother people who don’t want to bother with me. I may miss them, but I don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t want to be in it.

I just want to tell you in my own personal words why I haven’t contacted you until now. I would like to offer you an explanation and an apology for my part in the disagreement we had something like seven years ago or whenever it was.

We seemed to be getting along fine and then one day out of the blue you surprised me with a sudden verbal attack accusing me of lying to my parents in a letter to them about when we first started talking.

I was angry at the time, hun, because as I would think most people would agree, I didn’t appreciate being attacked and accused when you could have simply and calmly asked me, “Hey, they say you mentioned us talking at such and such a date when I remember it to be a different date, is that true?” I would have gladly answered that question for you, and for whatever it may be worth after all this time, I didn’t think I mentioned any date at all because it seemed rather irrelevant. When I checked my letter file to them (I used to save all my letters to them) I was able to confirm that no, I did not mention any date; just that we talked. My parents weren’t very sound of mind in their final years and I can see where they may have given you false information while believing in their minds that it was accurate. You jumping on me like you did instead of asking me was the ONLY issue I had with you. You didn’t do anything else wrong.

But I was wrong to go and write about our dispute in my journal like I did when I should have kept it between us, and for that, I owe you my sincerest apology. You can always ask me about anything anytime you have any doubts about whatever, and I’ll keep anything personal out of my journal. You have my word on that one, and again, I’m very VERY sorry for publicly tearing into you like that.

I’m perfectly okay with not hearing from you and I’m perfectly okay with hearing from you. Meaning I totally respect and accept whatever decision you make. I just wanted to finally share what’s on my mind. I thought about it several times but kept putting it off, not sure if I should or not. But now I’ve shared my thoughts and it’s up to you to do as you wish with them. :) Hun, I think we both screwed up, we were both going through some nasty times, and we all make mistakes in life. Like I said, you don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. You don’t even have to forgive me. I just wanted a chance to be heard. :)

Lastly, I’ve seen you in a few pictures (I know you recently visited your mom) and you look fantastic! Whether I hear from you or not, I wish you the best of luck, health and happiness in life, Lisa! :)

One of the pictures I’m referring to is one in which Lisa stood between the other girls. The other girls wore black tops and black shorts, and even though they were dressed in solid black, which seems to be their only color, they looked absolutely horrible. You could still see all their rolls and bulges, and I can’t for the life of me understand, whether it’s their fault they’re this big or not, how they can live. How do you get around when you’re that huge? God, I hope I’m never that big! No wonder they’re always single. Becky and Sarah may be roomies for life.

I still don’t understand why they don’t lose the weight. Is it really that impossible or do they just not mind it? I always used to believe that anyone who got that big obviously didn’t mind or wanted to be that big, but I’m still a little surprised they don’t take advantage of their youth and faster metabolism and go on a serious diet. It would take them a long time, but unless they’ve got something medically against them like I do with Hashimoto’s, they should be able to lose weight. If not for their appearance, then for the sake of their health. I might inquire about the gastric sleeve in their case. They would certainly qualify, wouldn’t they?

All I remember for dreams last night was that I had to choose between two heavy black women and one sort of heavy blonde woman for something. I don’t know what that something was and I don’t know who I chose.

Never did end up hearing that car, and amazingly I haven’t heard it since I got up at 4 PM either.

Between 10:30 and 11:30 I should hear the TV coming from the house across from Bob in Virginia. I can’t believe I’m hearing people’s fucking TVs in this place. I can’t make out the words even when I stand outside. I can only tell that it’s voices. When it starts up tonight I’ll go out and see if I can pinpoint exactly where it is.

No vehicle at the Twenties, but someone must have been in the house because one of the bedroom lights was on.

I hit the Bowflex for a while and then I went out running. I love running after dark when there is less traffic and no landscaping noise to spoil the peace. There were just a couple of dog walkers.

Those earbud microphones really annoy me at times, though. I hear people talking as I approach them yet I can’t see the earbuds right away, so I think they’re talking to me.

Some people are already putting out their bulk trash that’s to be picked up on the 12th. We’re getting rid of the old mattress they left here, plus some other stuff.

Had some anxiety last night, but I’m fine today. Tom isn’t, though. He now has a full-blown cold. We’re pretty sure we got it at the same time, but with my kick-ass immune system, my body killed it like it usually does. It isn’t that I can’t get sick. I can. It’s just very rare.

SUNDAY, APRIL 9, 2017 I guess now I can’t even have any peace at night. First I thought someone was outside chatting with Bob and Virginia, but they were asleep since it was after 10:30 last night. When I opened the front door I realized it wasn’t anyone outside chatting but the house across from them blasting their TV. They’ve blasted TVs and music in the summer, but this is the first time I’ve heard them at this time of year. They probably had a window open but in this chilly weather? WTF?

Burke and Dumbo are enjoying their freedom while I write. One’s climbing the Bowflex while the other climbs the bookcase. Simon, as usual, prefers the comfort of home.

Slept pretty shitty. There was a power failure, but surprisingly enough, it didn’t wake me up as the sound machine automatically shut off. This is because, as Tom later told me, the power was only out for a few seconds, so the fan and air cleaner would have resumed right away, masking some sounds.

An hour later I woke up to pee and I knew something was wrong. It took my brain a few seconds to realize the power had been off because the sound machine doesn’t come back on with the power. It has to manually be turned back on. Traffic wakes me up with or without it, and it did… twice. I know I’ve said it a million times, but I am so fucking sick of this traffic! Never again will I sleep so close to a busy street!

And oh, the nightmares. I can’t understand for the life of me why I have so many negative dreams. Everything in my life is going great. The only bad thing going on right now besides Tom injuring his back is that he has a really bad sore throat today. He doesn’t feel like he has a cold, though. He doesn’t have any fever, body aches or congestion. I knew something was up with him because the only time he’s not quiet is in the car. But he hardly said a word when we were out earlier, slowed down by slow drivers, as always.

So then why so many bad dreams? I just don’t get it. Tom went crazy in one dream, swearing at me and making like he wanted to kill me. This is a guy who rarely even uses the word “damn.” LOL

Then I was in jail for six months, realizing as I was about to be discharged that I had served a total of a year. A woman who might’ve worked in the jail was writing something in a private file. I peered over her shoulder and saw that someone had written that I was very intelligent. I asked the woman if we could get together on the outside and she said no, but that she would if she could. I think it was my dad that picked me up from jail.

Then I dreamed we had another power failure while inside some house with a door I was having trouble closing. I looked out one of its windows and across a driveway to what my dream self knew to be Jesse’s house. A potted flower hung just outside the window.

Anyway, knowing that these big old boobies aren’t going to be going on no shrinkathon anytime soon, I decided they should have a slightly bigger and more comfortable cage. So I’m waiting on a couple of new black and gray sports bras direct from Champion. Would’ve preferred something more colorful, but that’s all they had for these crisscross cami bras, along with white.

Decided to get a few treats while ordering the groceries, and one of those treats included Bodycology’s Sweet Love body mist. It’s lovely but smells an awful lot like a couple of other body mists I already have.

I also got Violet Volt lipstick. It’s a little dark but still nice.

So glad to have my Herbal Essence shampoo back instead of that TRESemme crap. I ran out of Herbal Essence so I used it as a backup. Definitely not good for oily scalps. The stuff feels heavy and greasy and doesn’t quite leave my scalp feeling clean.

No matter how much money we do or don’t have, it’s always nice to go to the dollar store every now and then, and we did this afternoon. Except for with pots and pans that you don’t want to scratch, I hate plastic utensils as opposed to metal ones because the plastic ones bend so easily. So I got a few metal ones, along with some pretty and colorful potholders to replace the ones we’ve had for nearly 20 years, plus an oven mitt. I also got a square rainbow wind spinner and a colorful peacock with a hot pink bell dangling from it. $7 well spent.

The Twenties are still gone. I checked out their Facebook pages to see if I could get a sense of where they might be, but there haven’t been any updates since their last vacation to Yellowstone six months ago. I wonder if something bad happened to either someone they know or to them personally since people don’t usually vacation every six months. I hope not. They’re nice people. Ray was doing something at the side of their place the other day, but I didn’t stop to ask him because I’m not only not that curious, but there’s something about him that I never really liked. We exchange polite hellos and that’s pretty much it.

Now, why must all of Geri’s company have loud vehicles? Nothing’s as loud as that fucking Firebird, though. I swear I just want to smash it to smithereens! Someone, please total the damn thing, please! It’s 8 pm, yet I know I’m going to hear it again tonight.

Oh, come on! Her fucking company just drove its loud-ass car out of here after visiting a while, and now it’s back just a few minutes later. Wait, now it’s leaving again. Forget something? Just shut up, loud vehicles, will you?! Come on, it’s nighttime now. Let me have some fucking peace! You’re distracting the shit out of me while I’m trying to write.

SATURDAY, APRIL 8, 2017 Tom lost 4.5 pounds after week one of his diet where he has 100 cals every hour, plus one small meal. I’d try it myself with 75 cals an hour and a meal, but as he pointed out, he has 50-70 pounds to lose, not 30. So it’s not likely to work for me in the same way. It’d probably just fuck my metabolism up some more, and guys always lose weight easier than women anyway. So I just keep doing what I have been doing… making sure I don’t gain. I keep active and go easy on the sugar, pasta and breads. Taking the day off from exercising today, though. It’s unseasonably cool and we’re still getting down in the 40s at night.

Tom injured his sciatic nerve again, but together we managed to change the rats’ cage. It really is disheartening having animals this timid and that always act like we’re going to kill them no matter how well we treat them. I definitely need a good long break from rats after these go, which I’m guessing, will be anytime between May and September of 2018. I just feel like if I’m going to have a pet, it should be one that doesn’t usually run away from me when I approach it.

I’m trying to think of a way to add variety, fun and adventure to my life. I have no problem with going about my usual daily routine. I enjoy the things that I do. But even so, everyone needs a break every now and then from the same old, same old. Like when I worked on my picture project the other day. Writing stories and working on my monthly bio requires a lot of thinking. I like to do something that’s fun every now and then that doesn’t require thinking. My fun picture project is done and I just don’t know what else to do.

I also still think it would be nice to have one or two close friends both online and offline, but those who have dumped me over the years have really put a complex on me. It’s easy to want these things… until I consider the drama that may be involved. It’s hard to believe I could get much drama from someone like Kathleen, for example, but that’s just the problem… I can never befriend the Kathleens of this world in the first place. It’s like I’m not “allowed” to. Whether it’s a strange random coincidence or a God that’s actively deciding what types are available to me and what’s not for some reason, Kathleen isn’t meant to be any more than Stacey was. Especially when you work at home and you don’t drive.

I realize that I’m also a very picky person, though that’s supposed to be a good thing, right? Sorry, but I just don’t want the druggies or the alkies or the bipolars. I don’t want any phony, hypocritical, judgmental liars either. I’ll be friends with someone black as midnight that’s my “type,” before I take a white fucktard of any kind.

As twisted as it may sound, part of me misses the drama with Kim and Molly as well as Aly’s dishonest, untrue friendship. It was phony, it was childish, and it was ridiculous on many levels, but it was also entertaining. Kind of a strange way to be entertained, but still. Sometimes I miss those days. I definitely don’t miss when they would contact my friends, though. As much as I miss some aspects of those days, I’m also smart enough to know that if I was suddenly living that life again, I would wish they were as absent from my life as they are now. Yes, they were truly frustrating at times, even infuriating. But sometimes it was fun doing things to block and frustrate them right back, and just seeing what pathetic shit they would come up with next.

I was sharing these feelings with Tom, and like I told him… it’s easy to think how nice it would be, but then I remember the shit I’ve gone through with so many people and I stay safely wrapped in my cocoon.

I am pretty active on Prosebox, however, and kind of surprised I haven’t met another Alison by now. Even other Kims and Mollys. Were they really the only ones? Three of a kind? I think part of the reason I haven’t been trolled by anyone new is that it’s harder to leave comments anonymously these days. Trolls prefer to hide in the shadows, not dish their shit out in ways that are just going to get them blocked or kicked off a site.

Then it occurred to me that the reason Alison contacted me in the first place wasn’t because of my journals or tweets, but because of my stories. LOL, it was one of my stupid stories written in Maricopa in which Kate Jackson was my muse that got her attention. Maybe I should share some of them on my main Prosebox account. I’m not sure what to do. Do I take the bad that comes with any good in making friends? Or do I take the good that comes with the occasional “bad” that goes with keeping my ass safe?

Like I also told Tom, you can’t make friendships happen just like you can’t make love happen. At least I never could. Sure I might be able to literally make some friends in a relatively short time with all the social media out there, but they may not be the friends I truly want and therefore my heart might just not be in it. I can’t consider just anyone a friend any more than I could take just anyone for a relationship, otherwise I wouldn’t have been single so long before meeting Tom.

The most important thing is that I have the best hubby in the world. Not the greatest pets, but definitely a great hubby.

Last night I dreamed we were staying in a hotel. Tom was asleep and I noticed the door to the adjoining room was open. I peeked into the other room and saw an old lady asleep on the bed. Glad to have an old neighbor, I quietly closed and locked the adjoining door.

Then I was asking a couple of young women smoking cigarettes how to get to a particular place, and thinking about how we just moved long distance. I was thinking of the Maria doll and the Denise manikin left behind in Arizona. Only thing is that in reality, I got Denise in Oregon. It seemed we’d been in a rental for a much shorter time than we thought we would be. The landlord was a middle-aged guy who seemed really nice and a part of me felt bad for leaving things behind.

In another dream, I seemed to be going to a clinic for a regular procedure of some kind. The nurse assured me that I would soon be able to come and go quickly and then eventually inject myself with some kind of medication. Not a great dream.

Decided that “Gaynor,” which I changed to Amantha since I like the name better, will be used for stories only on Prosebox. I’m not going to create a new account for each story like I have been doing. So there will be the story account and the journal account.

FRIDAY, APRIL 7, 2017 After being on the go nonstop, I think I can finally write the entry I wanted to write hours ago.

“Looking good,” said a guy walking his dog that I ran by a couple of days ago.

Really? ‘Cause, my mirror didn’t say that when I walked by it a little while ago. That’s okay; I’m still feeling good. Just a slightly scratchy throat today and a peculiar cut on the tip of my index finger.

Last night I thought the anxiety was going to make its way back because I felt a bit on edge, but just as I was considering a lorazepam, it faded away. I’ve been fine so far today.

Just ordered our groceries online. Walmart really pissed me off at first. I was glad to see they finally made their site faster, but in doing so they deleted our favorites, including what I had in the cart. Or so I thought. I accidentally signed into the wrong account.

We’re having our final cold snap and what should be our last storm until the fall. By May the browning effect will have set in, and by June I’ll be living it up in the pool. Tonight, however, I got my run out of the way just in time. When I got back there was thunder, hail and wind. It rained super hard at one point.

AlbumDown is an awesome Chrome extension that lets me download copies of my pins on my Pinterest boards, no matter what size the board is. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if Pinterest disappeared or someone hacked my account, but I did put nearly two years of work into building up my little collection, so it’s nice to have a backup copy on my drive as well as on my Amazon drive. This operation took me about 10 hours to do yesterday. I didn’t even write a word except for a quick journal entry that I thought was too mundane and boring to bother to share. Tonight I’ve got to catch up, though.

No matter how many times these fucking Muslims are in the news on account of their terrorist attacks, people continue to defend them if you say anything bad about them. I just don’t get it. They’ve proven time and time again how UNpeaceful they truly are with their machetes, bombs and chemicals. So just what is it people think they’re defending?

Last night I dreamed I was walking along a deserted beach when I saw a cat run up and grab a rat and carry it into the ocean. I yelled at the cat in hopes of scaring it into letting the rat go, but it ignored me.

I ran into the water nearly up to my waist and splashed furiously at the cat. I then grabbed the rat and was surprised it was still alive, although it was terrified, in shock and very weak. I wasn’t sure if it had a chance of survival, but I was going to see what I could do.

The cat followed us out of the water and tried to jump up and grab the rat from my hands. This time I kicked the cat not hard enough to harm it, but hard enough to cause it to run off scared.

THURSDAY, APRIL 6, 2017 The fucking water was off while I slept and the traffic is back to waking me up, so all those wake-up calls mean I remembered more dreams.

In one dream I was asked to say something in Italian and I said, “Tutti e grandi.” Not quite the correct way to say that everything was great but good enough.

Then there were snippets of other things… me being in the woods after dark while living in some Valleyhead-like place and not wanting to miss the van or bus that was taking us on an overnight trip. Going to the dentist just to get my hair dyed and a red streak added to it rather than my teeth checked. Living in a high-rise apartment that was so high that the ground almost looked as far away as it would in an airplane. My brother complaining about his food when we were eating lunch somewhere. Me trying to copy down some numbers correctly, one being my mother’s which had a 203 area code. Pretty sure that’s Connecticut.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5, 2017 Second morning in a row I had to wake up to the sounds of landscaping. Maybe tomorrow I’ll sleep late enough to beat it.

The weather’s gorgeous today, but tomorrow and the next day we’re going to get rained on. This should be the last of the rain. It’s unlikely, but still possible, to get rain in May. It almost never rains between June and August, so that’s when we’ll do the roof. Gotta cut way back on non-necessities and next year’s vacation may be off the table. We were going to go to either San Diego or Hawaii, but it’s still too far out to say for sure.

We’ll keep this refrigerator, but we still want the dryer that matches our front loader, and we could definitely stand to replace this old oven. We don’t want to borrow from the retirement fund to do it, though. Everything else has been as updated as far as we’re going to update things for the length of time we’ve got left here.

Tom’s decided that by the end of the year, he’ll either be making more money or working someplace else. That may be easy to say, but it still feels like there’s a “Never Pay Tom Fairly” rule on him just like I was never allowed to have someone I was as in lust with as I was the young Kate Jackson. Some things really never do change.

I still have mixed emotions about this, too. On one hand, money isn’t everything, we have enough to pay for the necessities, and that’s what’s most important. On the other hand, I’m tired of him not getting what he deserves.

Although I’m starting to feel like I’m getting bloated and watery, I’m definitely going to be late if I get another period. 28 days from my last period would be the 12th and there’s no way I’m going to get a period then because I’m not PMSy enough now.

I wish I could know if I was done with periods and especially the anxiety. I think I would cry tears of relief if I suddenly knew I was, and then I would dry my eyes and be quick to celebrate. It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve seen Stacey, and I’m still hoping I never see her again (other than an occasional phone or digital communication), as much as we may miss each other at times.

I need to get new shorts because mine are snug. What worries me is that they say that your weight doesn’t only go up upon entering perimenopause but it also goes up once you hit menopause by 4-5 pounds, and that’s like 10-15 when you’re this short. I can’t afford to do that! Hell, I could end up at almost 160 pounds. I’d barely be able to bend over to trim my toenails! I’m 152 right now and would settle for just getting down to 145. That’s all it takes to make a huge difference. I barely look fat at 145 because I’m so weighed down with muscle. The only problem is I never seem to get to 145 these days unless I’m not well.

Last night I dreamed the black bitch and a couple of others found me. I don’t know where I was “found,” but when they entered some room I said, “I suppose this is when you go to kick my ass, huh?”

“No,” said the black bitch, “if I were going to do that it would’ve been done by now.”

Then I realized she wanted me to live so that she had a chance to screw with me.

Then I had a dream I was talking about styles of frames for glasses with another older woman before going on a scary elevator ride. I was alone in the elevator, and when it stopped, the ground was many feet below the doors. I immediately shut the doors and as I waited for what seemed like forever, the floor of the elevator started to buckle and all I could think was that I didn’t want to die that day.

TUESDAY, APRIL 4, 2017 Miss Sun Sensitive survived 15 minutes of walking and running in the warm sun, though I’d have been lost without my pink sparkly cap and transition lenses. Couldn’t have gone longer or in warmer temps either. Those damn landscaping sounds really ruin the peace, though. It was everywhere. This house, that house. This section of the park, that section of the park.

Still no anxiety, but sometimes I get fatigued. I remembered watching Oprah many years ago and her talking about how various foods affect us, and that cottage cheese wakes you right up. Realizing I had cottage cheese – those cottage cheese doubles with fruit you mix in – I got up and had one and it did seem to perk me up. So… thanks, Oprah. :-)

I made the mistake of getting bagels, though. Well, I wanted to try maple-flavored bagels, but the idiots mistakenly gave me birthday cake bagels. Birthday cake bagels, can you believe it? Are we really going to continue to complain about obesity in America? LOL, anyway, I never should’ve gotten bagels no matter what the flavor because they are serious weight gainers. Breads are worse than candy. Eat things like bread, bagels, cakes, pies, donuts and other pastries and you’ll probably be fat for life. Let’s just say that if you don’t gain weight from them, you definitely won’t lose. For me, 5 bagels later and I’m up 2 pounds.

My jaw arthritis has been bugging me a little more often, and it seems that it did at this time last year as well until October. So what is it going to do, bother me every other six months?

Now that everybody on Prosebox has read Locked-In that’s going to read it, Clever Chloe has been deleted, and now it's Gaynor’s turn to present Rosemarie’s Revenge. Let’s see how many idiots think it’s a real story instead of fiction. No one commented yet, and I don’t expect this story to get as much feedback as the other one because I think the other one was better, even though this one isn’t done yet.

MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017 Slept well enough not to remember my dreams and woke up feeling refreshed. I cleaned both bedrooms and bathrooms as well as the laundry room. I exchanged hello’s with Bob before I got started. I wore my four-inch platform jelly sandals while I was cleaning. Where there are definite advantages to being short, it definitely helps to be tall when cleaning.

When I cleaned Tom’s room and I moved the mouse on his desk, his monitors came to life. Out of curiosity, I checked to see how many language lessons I did the week before from the progress report he’s emailed every Monday morning. Curious to see what emails he had flagged, I found one about some complaint he filed at work that I’m guessing has to do with taxes. It’s an open investigation, I guess. I wonder why he didn’t tell me about it. I trust that he has his reasons, though, and I understand that no one tells everybody everything. He doesn’t know it every time I take a dump.

SUNDAY, APRIL 2, 2017 Slept a little better last night but still not great. Even my dreams were less violent, but also not great. I guess I was homeless in one of them. I was eating dinner with a woman and her adult son who were on vacation. I don’t know where we were but before this, we were in a gift shop and I got a small doll for $8. When we were eating, I was assuring them that I still had money. The woman asked how, and I said from selling a car.

Then I was living with my parents in another dream. I seemed to be on the second floor of our first house (or at least the one I remember as being my first). Dad was on the phone at a table or small desk that was against the wall dividing the master bedroom and another bedroom.

I entered their room telling them that I thought I had a virus on my computer. My mother followed me back into the room opposite the staircase to check it out with me, as if she would know what to do being the stupid idiot that she mostly was, LOL.

I wonder why Andy’s been popping up in so many dreams lately. I will always love him as much as I dislike him, but I haven’t changed my mind and I highly doubt I ever will as far as resuming our friendship. Dump me or cause me to dump you and that’s the way it stays. If I had to start all over again I never would’ve contacted him like I did in 2010, knowing all the grief he put me through. Forgiveness has almost always backfired on me, so once you’re out of my life, you stay out.

But this doesn’t mean I want anything bad to happen to him, and having two death dreams about him can’t be good. In last night’s dream, I was crying to Tom that Andy died and he wasn’t even 55 yet. Actually, I’m pretty sure he turned 55 in February. These dreams still can’t be a good sign. They don’t necessarily mean he’s going to die, but they’re likely a sign that something bad is going on right now with him or in his life.

In another dream, he came to visit. We were so happy to see each other and were hugging like crazy. I was in the bathroom when I heard him enter the house and he started chatting with Tom. Then after I went out and we hugged each other, I told him I was glad he showed up then and not at 7am, since I doubted I would be asleep before 3am.

Since he’s got me blocked, I logged out of my Facebook account and into Tom’s so I could look in on Andy’s account. Couldn’t see much, though. But what I could see suggests he now lives in an awesome place by a lake that doesn’t look like it’s in New England. WTF? Where would he get that kind of money?

Went to Goodwill this morning and found a nice Indian woman and baby figurine for $5. If it’s by Ashton-Drake or the Hamilton Company like I think it is, then it was a little expensive when new.

I’m doing something different this year with CampNaNo and working on three stories at once. I do a different one each day. I set my word count at the lowest allotted (10K), but I know I’m going to beat that easily.

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017 Enjoying a very busy and productive weekend so far. I didn’t sleep that great, though. Sleeping to nature sounds on Alexa is a bust. The connection hiccupped, and I woke up a few of the times it made its loop because I’m not used to the sound fading in and out but being more consistent instead. Electricity is definitely more reliable than the Internet. Two nights ago it was pink noise I slept to, and last night it was brown noise. The brown noise has more base, but I kind of like my nature sounds or white noise or whatever color noise to have a variety of frequencies.

I swear I woke up like every hour, but I’m not too tired today. Working in the sun and then riding the bike was a little draining, though.

Tom is dieting aggressively, but of course I don’t bother because I have to damn near starve myself and I can’t stand the hunger, fatigue and grumpiness that goes with that. I just eat healthy most of the time and keep active and I won’t gain any more weight.

Shortly after I got up we went to Walmart to pick up some things. I got a couple more of those awesome dresses. One in turquoise and one in black. Plus I got another one with shoulder cutouts with pink and blue flowers against a black background. They were all just under $10.

I also got a curvy Fashionista doll with pink hair. The Fashionista series has 4 body types… curvy, average, petite and tall.

We made an Amazon order where I got a new ceramic wax warmer without a light for the bedroom, extra bedding for the rats, a shorter slip for me (13” instead of 18” like the one I have), a pretty floral embroidered doily to redecorate Jade’s stand with, and then he got some things as well. One of those things is a vibrating component to once again attempt to add vibration to my bed without it being too extreme.

When we got home, before we went bike riding, Tom trimmed some trees in back while I blew the patio, then used the power hose to clean the table and chairs. It’s amazing how fast and how well it cleans things. Damn good investment!

They came in next door as we were finishing up and I said hello to Virginia.

There’s been a black-and-white cat hanging around here lately. Not sure if it’s a stray or if it lives here.

I had a million dreams last night, but the two I remember were pretty violent and I was forced to fight to defend myself. I was in a bathroom stall somewhere in one dream, butt parked on the toilet seat when I heard the door open and footsteps approaching. A large pair of men’s boots appeared under the door in front of me. I looked up to find a youngish guy peering wordlessly over the door at me. He had light eyes and light hair that was thinning in front.

I quickly jumped up, yanked my pants up and said, “Whoever you are, whatever you end up doing to me, you’re going to fucking pay!”

Then I grabbed a fistful of the hair on top of his head with my right hand while I opened the stall door with my left hand.

Then I decided to try to bluff the guy by insisting he was so cute and making like I was going to kiss him before I turned and bolted. Not sure if he ever caught me or not.

In the other dream, a woman attacked another woman before she turned on me. I then systematically took out parts of her face from the forehead down. First I smashed her glasses, then I broke her nose, and then I split her lip, and ugh… I definitely need to have happier dreams tonight.

[nanalikessurveys]

What are you currently wearing? - I’m wearing a pink oversized t-shirt and black gym shorts.

Have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night just to talk to someone? - Maybe as a child if I had a nightmare. I went to my parents’ bed. What was the last social event you went to? - Uhhh I have no idea.

Do you use the word "like" excessively? - If I speak/write/type English then yeah I think so.

What are your thoughts on horse races? - I don’t think I’ve ever watched a horse race so I don’t really know what to say. I also don’t know if they’re ethical or not, I’d have to make more research.

Do you watch The Simpsons or any other cartoons? - I used to watch The Simpsons as a child/teen. Other cartoons I liked were Avatar: The Last Airbender, Biker Mice from Mars and Kim Possible. Do you find tattoos attractive? - Yeah I find very heavily tattooed people attractive even though it’s a style I’d never go for myself. I think it’s attractive when people show creativity, uniqueness, personality through their looks. Whether it’s with tattoos or something else.

If you have a car, does it have a name? - I don’t have a car.

Why did you last see a doctor? - Just a regular check-up. That was long time ago though because the health clinic I go to doesn’t have a permanent doctor. I’m lucky to live in a country with one of the greatest healthcare in the world but the situation with the psychiatric health care especially in my city is ridiculously awful right now.

Do you get light headed after getting blood drawn? - Not usually but this one time I had like 10 vials of blood drawn and I definitely felt like I was going to pass out.

What did you first think of this morning? - What time it is.

When did you last cry? - A few days ago I think.

What's the funniest thing you've seen today? - Nothing super funny has happened today (yet), it’s only noon.

Have you ever been snorkeling? - Nope. I don’t think I’d want to go.

Are you clumsy? - Not really.

Do you prefer satin, cotton, or flannel sheets? - Sating feels the best (especially right after shaving lol) but I use cotton sheets because they are warm. And satin sheets can be annoyingly slippery. What's your favorite kind of jam/jelly? - Strawberry or apple jam. What's on your bedside table currently? - I’m not in my bedroom right now so I don’t remember everything but I at least know I have a lamp, a notebook, lip balm and a body lotion bottle on the bedside table.

What's the best compliment you've received recently? - That I’m approachable. I loved hearing that. What's some things you always make sure to pack before going on a trip? - Phone, phone’s charger, earphones, Nintendo Switch, money and if I’m going away for overnight or longer, I’d pack hygiene stuff and spare undies and socks. What's one of your strengths? - Perspective-taking.

Have you ever spent more than $100 on a pair of shoes? - I don’t think so. 

Do you trust the police? - Yes.

Would you say you're an impulsive person? - Not really.

What have you last been diagnosed with? - I don’t want to say my diagnoses here. Also, I don’t remember what I was last diagnosed with.

What's something that makes you quirky? - I don’t know what counts as quirky.

What types of cheese do you consume the most? - Nowadays, feta cheese. I love feta pasta and I make it at least twice a week lol.

Do you purchase extended warranties on your electronics? - I’ve done that to some electronics.

What was the last restaurant you ate at? - This one bistro place.

What was the last sweet beverage you had? - Raspberry lime soda yesterday.

Do you believe in psychic ability? - Well no not like controlling objects with your mind or any other supernatural things.

Have you ever won any carnival games before? - Yes I won this huge stuffed Knuckles toy once when I was about 10.

What was the last fun thing you did? - I played with my cats.

Do you wear glasses? - No. I own and wear contacts but not glasses. My sight isn’t that bad (yet) so I can manage without any aid just fine but usually when I go out in the public I like to put my contacts on so that I can read all the signs and bus numbers/names etc perfectly. 

What song did you last have on repeat? - I usually don’t play songs on repeat. So I don’t know.

When did you last have pizza delivered? - A few months ago when my favorite pizza place had free delivery.

What do you normally pay for your hair cuts? - If I only need a haircut I’ll go to my mom and she’ll cut if for me for free. I’d go to a salon if I want my hair dyed and that’s when I get it cut professionally as well. Anyway, I don’t know how much just a hair cut is. But hair cut + dye is usually around 110 euros for me.

What's your favorite decoration in your place of residence? - All my living room windowsill decorations. How many computers/laptops are in the building you're in? - 1 in my apartment. Have you ever been to a rodeo? - Nope.

What frosting goes best on cake? - I don’t know. 

How long does it take you to get ready? - About 15mins.

Do you do some form of exercise daily? - Yes I walk everyday + I do some muscle conditioning about 2-3 times a week.

Have you ever won a big prize for something? - Not a big prize, no.

Do you think it's true that good things come to those who wait? - I think patience is important, yes.  Do you show your feelings? - Sometimes.

Have you ever held a chicken? - Nope. Would you rather feel too much or nothing at all? - Feel too much. Both options are bad but it would be awful to not feel anything.

Are you hard to please? - I’m not.

What is today's date? - It’s May 17th 2023

[minniepetals]

yellow lights

— summary: who would have thought your coworkers would mean more to you than you initially thought a year later?

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: fluff, poly!au, office!au, established relationship

— word count: 7.0k

— warnings: none

— commission for @vickyyy97

“Someone looks happy today. Who’s got you smiling like that, darling?” You look over at Seokjin who greets you the second you walk into the office today, a mischievous smirk playing on his lips as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Was it a man?” He asks and you feel heat slowly rising upon your cheeks.

He takes note of that.

“Well actually, u-um,” you scratch the back of your head, trying to play it cool but knowing nothing can ever get past the Kim Seokjin.

“No way! You’re serious?” Someone else comes up from the other side of the room and you turn to find Jimin and Taehyung walking over, the older of the 95 liner holding a hand over his gaped mouth as if this was the most shocking news he’s ever heard in his life.

“I never knew you had a man in your life already, Y/N,” Taehyung says with an arm coming over to pull you into a headlock as he ruffles your hair.

“Tae!” You whine, pouting slightly at his antics. “I don’t have a man but there was this cute barista I saw just a few blocks away.”

“Damn! She’s now taken!” He smacks his hands over his heart in a dramatic gesture you have to push him off you a bit so the coffee in your hand doesn’t spill over.

“I’m not,” you reiterate.

“But there’s a chance, yeah?” Seokjin says as he takes your coffee cup without permission to show off the number written there. “He gave you his number.”

“That’s…” You avert your eyes, biting your lower lip.

“Ooh, look at that,” Jimin takes the cup in his hand, examining it with a playful snicker, “he drew a little heart.”

“Stop it guys, you’re embarrassing.” You try to take your coffee back, only they don’t give you a chance.

“Hey if it doesn’t work out, you can always come back into my arms to cry, yeah? I’ll always be right here to cheer you up.” Despite how playful he sounds right now, you know there’s always a high chance Taehyung means it more than anything. It doesn’t take over the fact that his constant flirting doesn’t always get you worked up, however.

“I-I don’t think I’ll be needing it but uh, thanks for the offer.”

“Well, whatever happens,” you see Seokjin take the coffee back from Jimin who’s still laughing over the little note the barista gave you, in order to hand it back to you, “as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” 

You feel a light pat on your head, a gentle gesture he tends to do when he wishes to cheer you up. 

Ah. How sweet.

You feel your heart skip a beat.

“...Thanks Jin.”

.

.

.

“I never took you as a coffee person.” Yoongi, on the more quiet side, as compared to the rest of the boys, gives you a small raise in his brow when he takes note of the coffee you have on your desk for the third day in a row. “I thought you preferred tea or...other things.”

You did once speak on drink preferences though you never thought Yoongi would ever take note of them seriously because they were always just small talks that led to no direction. Yet here he is, raising a brow at the coffee you have.

“Is it the barista?” He asks and you know by now the boys probably all know your encounter with the cute barista a few blocks down the street. When you feel your cheeks heating up, you hear Yoongi let out a small chuckle. “I get it, Y/N. Feelings always start off with the infatuation you have for someone, but you have to keep in mind not to force anything you dislike for someone else. What’re you going to do when you’re unhappy just to keep someone else happy? That isn’t exactly healthy, now is it?”

“You sound like my mom always giving me life lessons,” Hoseok comes in with rolled eyes over his hyung’s words. “Don’t listen to him, Y/N.”

“You know I’m right.”

“Even if you are, it’s not like they can’t talk things over once they get closer. Isn’t that right?” Hoseok turns to you, putting you on the spot and making you freeze up.

“W-well, yes. I suppose so.”

“Well.” Yoongi lets out a sigh. “If you aren’t going to drink the coffee, just order a black coffee and I’ll drink it for you the next time you return.”

And so it becomes a routine where you’re rushing in the morning, ordering the black coffee just to have a small conversation with the cute barista before it’s time for work and once you’re in, Yoongi takes the coffee for you, drinking it.

For a good time it goes on like this; the constant teasing from the boys, Namjoon scolding them, and Yoongi sitting back to enjoy the show with his free coffee every morning.

Though at times you feel Taehyung’s flirty comments are much more common than usual, Seokjin’s a little gentler, Jimin’s a little touchier, Jungkook’s a bit more pouty and cranky, Hoseok’s by your side more often, Yoongi more willing to engage in conversations rather than his usual responses of “mhm” and “yes” or “no,” and Namjoon being more observant.

Perhaps it’s the change in the seasons, perhaps it’s the new project the team’s working on, or perhaps they’re just looking out for you because you’re still a bit new to everything and they don’t want you getting hurt or taken advantage of.

They’re kind after all. Ever since the first day you joined the company since your move here, the boys have been nothing but kind and welcoming towards you, helping you out in areas you need to improve on, exchanging numbers, offering to hang out outside work hours, and just anything and everything for you in order to help you feel more comfortable.

It’s sweet having people looking out for you.

“Date?” One late night with just you and Jungkook left behind, you decide to relay the news to him as the two of you finally finish off for the night. “Well finally, seems like that bastard wasn’t ever going to pick up the guts to ask you out.” He sounds a bit irritated, as he usually would when the topic of the barista is brought up. “So then, where you going?”

“He said he’ll be taking me out to dinner.”

“Dinner, huh? So you’ll be dressing up all nice and pretty for him, huh?”

“Well-” You cut yourself off, looking off to the side with a hand hovered over your cheeks. “It’s..the normal thing to do, right? When..one goes on a date?”

“I guess,” he shrugs, sounding bored with his hands in his pockets.

“I haven’t done this in a while, I’m kind of nervous. Though to be honest, I don’t really enjoy one-on-one meal dates too much, especially with someone I don’t really know that well. I mean even though I find him cute and nice it’s just…hm, I don’t know. It’s just nerve-wracking I guess.”

“Really? Dinner dates aren’t your thing?” Jungkook looks over at you, a bit surprised.

“I just get too much social anxiety,” you chuckle nervously his way. “I mean, there’s always a chance my date might ditch me and I’ll end up sitting there being awkwardly stared at by other customers and the waiter will also be placed in an awkward position. Not to mention the food choices are way too many to choose from and you can never really guess what will be good and what will not. Plus I’m just an awkward person in general when it comes to one-on-one interaction over a formal occasion. What if he finds me boring?”

“He’d be a fool if he did,” he mutters under his breath.

“Huh?”

Jungkook clears his throat, speaking louder this time. “I said that’s stupid to be worrying over.”

“Oh.” You blink. “Is it?”

“I’m not saying it’s–” He pauses, takes a breath in and out before speaking again. “What I meant was, you shouldn’t worry about that because you’re not boring. Well, not to me.”

“Ha ha, that totally helped release all of my anxieties at once.”

“I’m just saying,” he purses his lips into a small pout, “I mean I get awkward with people all the time because I’m an idiot who doesn’t know how to keep a conversation going but I’ve never been uncomfortable with you. You’ve never made me feel bored and I’ve never had a thought of wanting to get out of a conversation with you so it’d be dumb if that bastard did. I’m the most awkward person on Earth. I’m sure you’ll do fine with him.”

You giggle at the way Jungkook seems to shy away after giving you a few compliments, his ears a little red, head turned off to the side but you catch sight of the slight blush on his cheeks under the night sky.

“Thanks, Jungkook.”

“Come on,” he rushes forward, opening the passenger side of the door for you in order to snap out of his embarrassment. “Get in, I’ll take you home.”

.

.

.

“Uh, what? You want me to spy on Y/N?” Namjoon looks the maknaes dead in the eyes before turning his back to them, returning to the coffee maker in the break room. “No. I’m on a break, stop bothering me.”

“Oh come on hyung!” Taehyung whines as he tugs on the hem of Namjoon’s blazer.

“If you’re that desperate to see how her date goes, why don’t you go yourself?” He pauses. “Actually, that’s a bad idea.”

“Yeah exactly! Taehyung and I both know we’d do a horrible job and get noticed right away, which will put Y/N in an awkward situation, and Jungkook here has anger issues so if that barista does something wrong, he’s also bound to get noticed.”

“Listen, I know I have my problems but hearing it out loud still hurts, you know.”

“The truth hurts, maknae.” Jimin pats his head, causing him to frown even deeper. “And Yoongi hyung,” he turns back to Namjoon again, “he’s also bound to punch the dude if something goes wrong. Jin and Hoseok hyung are great candidates but they’re working that day. You’re the only one available, hyung.”

“I’m also working that day.”

“You get out early.”

“How is it that you know my schedule so well, Park Jimin?” Coffee done and set in a cup, Namjoon turns back to the three of them, letting out a heavy sigh. “Can’t you just let it go? Y/N can’t keep staying under our wings forever. She’s a grown woman capable of taking care of herself.”

“Yes, yes, but what if something goes wrong?” Jungkook says, the three of them still holding their stance.

“Seems like you want it to go wrong.” Namjoon takes a sip of his drink, staring them down.

“Whaaat? Now why would I want that? Y/N’s happiness matters most of all and if that happiness is with the barista, why would I wanna intervene?”

“You’re gritting your teeth.”

He avoids eye contact, not even wanting to deny Namjoon’s accusation as he places his hands in his pockets.

In the end, the maknaes’ persuasion skills are much more in effect as they manage to rope Namjoon into their shenanigans, so when the day comes, the man finds himself being there to be the witness to how your date with the barista goes.

And unfortunately on your end, it doesn’t go too well.

“You…have a girlfriend?” You look at the phone he has in his hand when he turns around, surprised you caught him in the act when he excused himself to pick up a call, only to leave you in that restaurant for some time so you decided to step out to check up on him and now here you are, staring at a man who holds onto a dumb expression because he got caught.

“Who’s that?” You hear a voice from the other line of his phone and Woosung turns around for a second again, putting the phone back to his ear as he whispers “I’ll call you back” before turning back shamelessly around with an awkward smile.

You bite your lower lip, feeling like a fool as your shoulders keep their tense state and you take a step back. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Things were rocky,” he says, “we still are–”

“That doesn’t make it right to go around and sweeten up to other girls,” you cut him off, not wanting to hear the excuses. “If you wanted another relationship, you should have broken up with your girlfriend first but instead here you are, making a fool out of me, using me as a side piece. If things went back to normal with your girlfriend, you were just going to toss me off to the side, weren’t you? Or use me as a secret affair?”

“Y/N-”

“Don’t say my name, please.” You take a few more steps back, feeling lightheaded and done. “Don’t contact me again. Delete my number, please.”

You turn to walk off, only to have your wrist pulled back.

“Hear me out-”

“I don’t want to hear anything!” You try to pull your arm back to get away from him but his grip is too tight for you to actually do much. “Let me go. You have a girlfriend.”

“I’ll break up with her,” Woosung tries to concede but you can only scoff in his face.

“Are you serious? If you can go around her back and try to get with other girls, you can do that to me too.”

“Y/N-”

“Let go,” you beg, feeling your voice crack as the tears finally begin to form upon the forceful way he holds onto you, not wanting to release his grip no matter how much you try to escape. “Please, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, I-”

Just as you feel a drop of tear about to fall from your eye, a foreign hand is placed right upon your eyes to block your vision, the sling of arm he has on you pulling you back against his chest and a voice rumbles from the depths of his throat.

“Do not ever waste your tears on spoiled milk, sweetheart, do not let him think he has power over you,” the voice says, a voice you recognize, a voice that begins to fight off the fear you had thinking you were alone and no one would help you out of this situation. Suddenly the hand isn’t so foreign anymore and you find yourself relaxing a bit into that chest of his.

“Mind letting go of that precious hand, buddy?” Namjoon says, his voice dropping an octave when he addresses your admirer. “We don’t want to make a scene here now do we? Unless you do, and in that case, I can definitely give you a show.”

When he doesn’t say a word in response, too frightened at how grave Namjoon sounds, your rescuer lets out a scoff before giving you a squeeze on the shoulder to let you know that you were to be leaving.

He turns you around, taking his hand off your eyes, but not from your shoulder, and guiding you away from the scene, knowing not to leave you alone until the two of you were finally away from the sight of Woosung.

“You alright?” Only then does Namjoon let you go and take a step back, watching to make sure you don’t look too uncomfortable.

Yet his hands being placed on you wasn’t the problem, it was the fact that you just found out the guy you thought was interested in you had a girlfriend all along, and in the shameful feeling you’re suddenly forced to face tonight, your head lowers to the ground, unable to look Namjoon in the eyes.

“Sorry you had to…see that.”

“Why are you apologizing? You have nothing to apologize for.” He hands you a tissue to which you take, wiping your tears despite it still coming down, and when it seems as if they won’t stop any time soon, Namjoon takes the initiative to take a step forward and pull you into his arms, embracing you in the way you need it.

You bury your face into his chest as he holds you, the night breeze flying past with nothing but the sound of a few cars passing by and your little sniffles, and in this very moment, all you can think is that Namjoon’s arms feel so warm, so comfortable, and so kind.

Just what you need.

Just what you needed.

“Sorry,” you croak out again, voice sounding a little more broken but Namjoon shakes his head as he holds you tighter.

“It’s alright.”

“I probably look like a fool,” you say and yet he shakes his head.

“None of this was your fault.”

“I should have known,” you pull back just slightly to wipe at your eyes, “all men, whether in Korea or elsewhere, has the audacity to be such assholes.”

“Hmm, you’re right. In one way or another, everyone’s the same.”

You look up at him, sight a little blurry. “Why’re you not defending men or saying ‘not all men’?”

“Because that’d piss you off,” you scoff, “and I know how we can be.”

“But you…” You bite onto your lower lip, staring down at his white dress shirt as tear stains and some bits of your makeup managed to fall upon them — a sight he doesn’t care to pay attention to. You now feel embarrassed for a different reason. “I probably look like a mess right now, I’m so sorry,” you cry, hating the sight of your mascara wet on your fingers.

“You’re cute,” Namjoon chuckles and you give him a little punch on the chest, wanting to hide your embarrassment and only causing him to laugh a little more.

“How’d you know to even find me? How’d you even get there in the first place? It was like you were already there.”

“Well…” When he hesitates, you look back up at him, blinking.

“Don’t tell me Jungkook set you up to this?”

“Not just him.”

The maknaes. “Of course it’s them.” You let out a sigh. “I’m kind of surprised with how protective they seem to be, they didn’t come here themselves and sent you instead.”

“They sent me because they knew if something went wrong, they wouldn’t be able to stop themselves before that barista has a couple of bruises on his face.”

You laugh a little at that sentiment. “Well aren’t they aware.”

“If I tell them you cried, I wonder what they’d do.”

“Don’t!” You quickly say, grabbing a fistful of his shirt to make sure he knows just how serious you are. “I already told them where Woosung works at so if they know what he did, who knows what they’d do.”

“Are you that worried?”

“They have absolutely no care for what other people think of them so of course I’m worried.” You quickly wipe the remaining tears left on your face. “I don’t want to be the reason someone gets hurt.”

“I suppose I can leave out a few details.”

“Thanks, Namjoon.” You look around the empty streets of the night, feeling a bit awkward now that things are starting to calm down. “And..thanks…for being there…..and here, right now.”

Namjoon lets out a light chuckle. “Mr. Bang told us to look out for our newbie, didn’t he?” He says, a light reminder of your company CEO’s words to them when you first joined. “Though even without him saying so, we’d still be taking care of you.”

You smile up his way, knowing that if he hadn’t been here tonight, a different outcome would have occurred and you aren’t sure how you would have been able to deal with things were it not for him.

.

.

.

“Sorry you won’t be getting your usual free coffee anymore.” When you take a seat beside Yoongi the next day, something tells you he probably knows the actual full story about what happened the night before unlike the three younger ones. Namjoon probably felt it safe to tell the older ones and that you wouldn’t blame him for it.

He’s right.

Before the man can reply, Jimin’s sliding his chair on over with a comment of his own. “Who cares? Hyung can get his own coffee and there’s always plenty of fishes in the sea.”

“He’s right, I’m a fish,” Taehyung says with a smirk sent your way. “I’m a great fish.”

You laugh a little at that. “It’s alright guys. He was cute but I forgot that pretty faces don't always mean pretty hearts.”

“I’m literally right in front of you but go off.” Taehyung sits himself on Jimin’s lap with a roll of his eyes, causing you to giggle.

“I knew he was a red flag,” Jungkook joins in with his arms leaning over your desk. “Everything about the dude screamed red flag.”

“You never even met him.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t tell,” he argues. “If you ask me, even Taehyung’s a better candidate.”

“See, what’d I tell you?” The older one is quick to agree as his eyes light up. “Why don’t you give me a chance, sweetheart? I’d never break your heart.”

“That’s a lie,” you laugh.

He pouts. “Why would you say that? You don’t trust me?”

“I’m just saying it’s inevitable to break someone’s heart whether you mean to or not. That’s just what happens when you’re in a relationship right? Not everything is smooth sailing.”

“Well, you can break my heart anytime.”

“Alright, alright, stop bothering me and get back to your stations already.” When Yoongi finally speaks up among the conversation you seemed to attract without meaning to, the three boys are quick to obey their hyung’s words, sitting up and scattering to their destination after a quick wave of goodbye your way.

You yourself were just about to return to your own station when Yoongi stops you mid-way.

“By the way,” he starts, allowing you to look back at him, “Stop apologizing, you’ll wear yourself out.”

It’s blunt the way he says it but you know that Yoongi always means well so it makes your insides warm hearing him giving you kind words in return to what you initially came to him for.

.

.

.

“So, what do you think about this?”

Hoseok takes a glance at your computer screen before looking back at you, whose eyes seem to look slightly dreary despite the excitement settled in them. 

“I think you need to take a break,” he says and you’re quick to frown.

“Come on, Hoseok, just look it over for a second, yeah? I promise I’ll stop bothering after.”

“You said that last time.”

“I really promise this time!” 

“No, you’re lying,” he says with a poke at your forehead, forcing your head to get pushed back away from him. “You’ve been working too hard these days you might actually collapse soon and what kind of sunbae would I be if I didn’t look out for my hoobae’s health?”

“But I’m fine-”

He knows all too well the sudden shift in focus you’ve had on work ever since the failed date with the barista down the street, a sort of focus that forces you to work much too hard and way too much than needed.

“Come on, it’s almost midnight.”

“And?”

You’ve even forgotten what tomorrow implies. 

He takes ahold of your chair, rolling it away from your computer so he can make sure everything’s saved before shutting it off, causing you to groan in response, yet when he goes on to get your jacket, you’re reluctantly obedient. 

“Have you forgotten what today is?” He asks and you look at your phone.

“The twenty-second of January. Why?”

“What’s tomorrow?”

“The twenty-third.”

He rolls his eyes. “Of course you’ve forgotten.”

“Forgotten what?” Wide eyes, innocent and curious, totally oblivious as you allow him to help you put your arms through the sleeves of your jacket. 

Hoseok looks out the window and you follow his eyes, wondering why the night sky has caught his attention, but when there’s nothing there and he says nothing in reply to your question, you go on to gather your things just as he checks his watch.

“Are you free right now?” He asks, not looking up from his watch.

“I have a few minutes to spare.”

“Just a few?”

You chuckle. “I’m free, Hoseok.”

“Great.” He takes a step from where you are gathering your things, sliding up from behind and leans right into your ear. “Happy birthday, Y/N.”

It’s so soft and quiet against your ear but you know you haven’t misheard a thing just as the phone on the desk lights up and you see that it’s 12:00 am, the twenty-third of January; your 26th birthday.

“Come on then,” he takes your bag before you can protest, walking off to have you chasing him right behind, “we’ve got plans.”

“Plans?” You blink, hurrying to keep up. “Wait, what do you mean ‘we’?”

Yet you receive no answer as he takes you in his car and drives off with a grin on his face, leaving you wondering with anticipation for what’s to happen.

It doesn’t take long before the two of you arrive at some sort of park you don’t think you’ve ever visited before.

“Why are we here?” You ask and yet all you receive is Hoseok’s hand asking you to just trust him and follow along. You take his hand and he leads you toward the inner part of the park until you’re standing right before a fountain. “How pretty,” you say, wondering why you never took the chance to ever come to such a place before. “Hoseok, you–”

When you turn around to address the man who brought you here in the first place, there’s no one in sight.

“Hoseok?” You call for him, confused as you begin to look around.

Just then, lights begin to appear.

Pretty little fairy lights decorated along the lampposts and hedges of the part. Bright white and golden all around, leaving you to only stare in awe at the sudden burst of lights gleaming all around while you stand in the center of it all, heart picking up its pace at just how pretty everything looks.

All for you.

No one’s ever done something as grand as this for you, not even your closest friend,s and yet here you are, cherished by people whom you’ve known for only a year or so.

“Do you like it?”

You turn at the familiar voice to see Hoseok with a grin, and just behind him stands the rest of the guys who share the same sentiment.

“Like it?” Words can’t even begin to describe. “I..”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you crying?!” Seokjin’s the first to rush up to you when he sees your hands raising up to your face, taking them in his and blowing his warm breath onto them to warm it up as Yoongi presses both his gloved hands upon your cheeks. “Don’t cry now, this was supposed to make you happy.”

“I am happy,” you say as a few tears slip. “I’m really happy.”

“Are you sure because crying usually means—”

“I promise,” you cut Yoongi off when you see the serious frown he has on his face, a sign of worry as he frets over your tears. “I promise I’m happy.”

“You have such an odd way of proving you’re happy,” he grumbles under his breath, causing you to let out a laugh.

“We have cake but I don’t think you’d be able to blow out the candles in this windy environment.”

January is still Winter after all.

“That’s alright,” you say to Jimin, “we can just pretend the fire’s on.”

And so he goes on to get the cake with Taehyung in toll, and in the middle of the pretty park they’ve taken the time to show you, a soft birthday song rings in the air, and when that’s over, you intertwine your fingers together for a wish before blowing out the imaginary fire on the candles.

January is a bit cold, a little worse when the moon has risen high in the sky, but tonight you feel anything but the coldness, not when these seven boys have taken the time to dedicate themselves to making sure you’re having a good time.

.

.

.

“You know if you keep staring at me, you might burn a hole in my face.”

“Hm? What are you talking about?” Hoseok starts, his chin still propped upon his hand, eyes shamelessly staring without a hint of movement anytime soon. You let out a little chuckle, flustered, and hit him lightly on the chest. “What? Do I make you flustered?”

“You’re almost as bad as Taehyung sometimes.”

“What’s wrong with a little flirting?”

“I’m going to take it the wrong way one day,” you tell him as you get up from your seat to head on over to the printer where a few papers await their turn. “I know you’re all joking though but sometimes, well, admittedly,” you hide your face behind your hair, staring straight at the printing machine to finish its job, “my heart does skip a beat...or two.”

“Really?” He says it so nonchalantly you think your reaction is the least bit of his concern. “Hm, then it’s working,” until he says those words.

“Huh?” You look up, flustered, with blinking eyes. “What do you mean it’s…working?”

Hoseok sends you a smirk just as Taehyung slides up along his side, arm draping over the older man’s shoulder with a mirrored smirk.

“Oh I think you know what that means, darling,” the younger one states, his brows wiggling playfully.

You take the collection of papers that have been printed out for you and huddle them close to your chest, not fully comprehending them only because you wouldn’t want to create a misunderstanding and interpret things wrong when it’s actually meant to have a different meaning.

“I..I-I..”

Before you can finish your stuttering, however, a roll of paper comes along to smack both Hoseok and Taehyung on the head.

“Stop flirting during work hours, you know better than that,” Namjoon warns with a firm expression.

“But you know our girl will never get it if we don’t get to the point,” Hoseok argues.

“The point?” You blink.

“Then get to the point.” Yoongi rolls his eyes, looking exasperated by the antics of the group as he joins the crowd with Jungkook, just as Jimin and Seokjin walk through the doors.

It’s clear the seven of them all know exactly what’s going on while you remain standing there in confusion, left to try to interpret things under your own limited understanding unless they decide they want to come out and just say whatever it is they’re holding out on.

“See, look at her. She’s confused.” Yoongi points out, his head beckoning your way to make them look at you.

You freeze under their stares, not…uncomfortable but more so…shy.

“She’s not confused, she knows exactly what’s happening,” Seokjin speaks up, a slight grin resting on his lips as he walks a few steps forward to take your papers for you. They were meant for him in the first place. “She’s just afraid it might turn out to be false,” he says, purposely staring you down with that glint of playfulness in his eyes.

“Now we don’t want any miscommunications around here, do we?” Jimin sneaks up behind you, hands pressed upon your shoulders. “So why don’t you tell our little one exactly what you mean, hyung?” He’s baiting Hoseok, that slyness in his tone not being able to escape your ears especially when he’s so close to you.

As for the older one, he simply remains calm, instead glancing at the maknae. “Didn’t you want to do the honors? You’ve been waiting for the perfect moment, right?”

Jungkook’s cheeks turn red, his face turning to the side in an instant once the attention is brought down to him instead, and while Jimin snickers, Taehyung holds his laugh, Seokjin hides a grin behind his hand, and Namjoon’s expression turns fond, you find the gentleman who became the first friend you made ever since moving to Korea and working alongside him as a new employee to be quite cute.

He’s always been cute from the very beginning.

You’re the closest in age after all, so with him feeling more comfortable to approach you and make you feel comfortable, you found his company to be a delight you enjoyed looking forward to each day you came to work.

And now here he is, almost a year later, flustered like a teenage boy trying to hand his crush a love letter.

And the boys are eating it up.

“Jungkook?” So you call out to him, knowing he may need a little bit of encouragement to tell you the thing he needs to say, all the while preparing your heart just in case the answer you’re seeking turns out to be wrong and you were just misinterpreting things. “It’s alright, take your time.”

“That’s right, maknae, we’ve got all the time in the world.”

You lightly hit Taehyung on the chest. “You’re not helping the boy.”

He laughs in response. “You already know what he’s trying to say so why not save him the embarrassment?”

“Do I?”

“Oh, would you look at that?” Namjoon raises a brow, impressed. “Someone’s feeling cocky.”

“Huh, no I didn’t mean that!” You’re quick to say, hands rushing to wave it off as you become flustered again. “J-Jungkook I didn’t-” You turn to him, stumbling out your words. “Well, I mean, I think I..I-I don’t exactly..-But if it’s what I think it is..-But if it isn’t, uh-”

“Oh god, they’re hopeless,” Jimin laughs aloud before simply squeezing your shoulders as he leans in. “Why don’t we stop the act and just become ours, hm? I think you know we all feel the same way at this point.”

“Hyung what the hell?!” Jungkook suddenly shouts with his mouth held agape, offended his moment was stolen from him.

“You were taking too long!”

“That doesn’t mean you can take the spotlight!”

In the midst of their little dispute, all you can hear is Jimin’s short yet meaningful confession in your ears, one that seems to make your heart race more than any man has ever made it beat before and you stand there right in the center, eyes unblinking, feeling as if the world is slowing down as you hear each beat your heart drums aloud for you.

“So what do you say?!” Taehyung jumps in, leaving Hoseok’s side to drape his arm around you instead.

“You’re both so annoying!” Jungkook yells, his brows furrowed deeply as his lips jut into a pout.

With cheeks heated and heart set aflame, you take the pouty man’s hand and look him straight in the eyes, taking a moment to calm him down so that the whole room can fall silent, before you turn to look at them all, hands trembling a bit when you say;

“Mmn, I’ll…I can…..yeah.”

Their faces brighten in an instant, and in that moment you realize despite how brave and nonchalant they all may seem to appear on the outside, perhaps deep within their hearts, they were just as nervous and frightened of what your answer may be.

And for that you say the words that Jungkook had been meaning to say but was robbed of the opportunity.

“I like you. I like you so…so much.”

.

.

.

Two years later

“Mr. Bang approved the proposal and he told me he’d be able to connect me with some people and-” you let out a scream of delight as you jump around before Seokjin, taking his hands along with you for him to see just how excited you are right now. “I’m ranking up Jin! I’m ranking up! And soon the company’s going to skyrocket and my efforts will be rewarded! It is rewarded! It’s being rewarded!”

Despite the onlookers of passersby taking quick glances at the two of you as you jump for joy, Seokjin simply smiles fondly at the pretty girl before him, looking her happiest and knowing he’d never want to rain on her parade and cast that look aside.

“Look at that, my little rockstar all grown up,” he says with a smile so gentle and fond of you you think you might fall in love with him all over again.

“Are you proud?” You ask and he chuckles as if the answer was that obvious and did not warrant a question.

“So proud,” he reaffirms your thoughts with hands cupping your cheeks and bringing his nose to playfully graze it with yours before he proudly lands a short yet sweet kiss on your lips.

“Jin, don’t do that in public,” you back away just a little, now noticing the people who’re just trying to walk the street.

Yet Seokjin laughs at you. “I thought you enjoyed public displays of affection.”

“I never said that,” you say as you take his hand and begin to walk off towards the apartment building the eight of you reside in, “that’s Taehyung and Hoseok. And Yoongi doesn’t care about anything so whether it’s embarrassing or not, he’ll do it if he’s in the mood — which can get a little frustrating.”

“Does it?”

“It does. Though now that I think about it, I think all of you except Namjoon and I care about modesty when it comes to displaying affections publicly.”

Seokjin raises a brow. “Jungkook too?”

“He enjoys seeing my reactions!” You say with a huff. “But then when I get him flustered, he goes on a whole rant as if he doesn’t do it frequently to me. Couldn’t you talk to him for me? He’d listen to you.”

“You think he’d listen to me?”

“You’re right, never mind, he never listens to you.”

“I listen well,” just as the elevator doors pop open, someone approaches the two of you from behind, their head propping in between your two bodies, “there’s just a time and place for everything.”

Seokjin rolls his eyes at Jungkook’s response as the three of you walk into the elevator. “It’d be good if you can listen to your elders, Jungkook.”

“Come on now, don’t start giving me life lessons again. It’s just that sometimes tuning some people out is the best thing to do.”

“Excuse me?” You hide your laugh behind a hand at Seokjin’s offended expression but he catches you quickly. “And what’re you doing teaming up with him? You were against him just a few seconds ago,” he says, snaking his arm around your waist to pull you in as you let out a yelp at his tickles.

“You can’t win against our maknae bond, hyung,” Jungkook snickers as he takes your other side, wrapping his arm around you as well.

“Stop, you’re going to suffocate me.”

Just then, the ding to the elevator is heard and you take their moment of distraction to escape their clutches, quick to rush out the doors and run for your apartment door.

When the door opens after unlocking the code, you run right in towards the first person you see, shoes and all.

“Yoongi catch!”

He looks like he’s just gotten up from a nap and yet when he sees you running towards him at full speed, he doesn’t think twice before his arms are instinctively holding you up when you jump onto him successfully.

“What’re you doing back early?” He yawns when another voice chimes in.

“Yeah, you’re not supposed to be back until an hour later,” Namjoon says.

You narrow your eyes. “Not happy at my early arrival?”

“I was trying to surprise you with a cake,” Taehyung yells from the kitchen, to which you turn to see both him and Jimin busy with frostings and cake batter.

“Tae? Baking?” You get down from Yoongi’s stronghold to walk towards them as Hoseok comes around to take your coat.

Taehyung pouts. “Are you doubting my skills? Why don’t you doubt Jimin?”

“Because we all know I’m a great baker.”

“Y/N, shoes.” Seokjin warns from where he stands, pointed eyes your way, stopping you just before you step into the kitchen.

Hoseok helps you out of them so you thank him with a kiss on his cheek.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he nods as he walks over to the shoe rack.

“What’s the cake for?” You step into kitchen territory once approved, peeking over Jimin’s side as he focuses on decorating the cake and seeing the words ‘congratulations’ on it. “Wha..but I didn’t even tell you what the results were.”

“Do we even have to hear it?” Jimin chuckles, stopping midway to give you a kiss on the head.

“You were that confident I’d do well?” Your lower lip juts out, feeling touched by their actions.

“Oh baby, we knew,” Taehyung says, kissing you on the cheek.

“Why is it that you guys spoil me so much? You’re going to overwhelm me.”

“Because you’re our girl, why else?”

Such a calm answer, so straightforward and simple as if that was obvious from the very beginning. They’ve always been like this; considerate and sweet, and when Taehyung pokes your nose and leaves frosting there and you chase him after to exact revenge, when Namjoon scolds the two of you in a calm voice and Jimin shouts at the both of you to not make a mess, Jungkook laughing in the corner, wanting to join in but Seokjin pulling him back, all the while Hoseok and Yoongi simply stands back observing it all, the happiness that bloomed from the very moment you met the seven of them and how they’ve managed to continue allowing you to live in these sweet moments, you know that you will never care for anything else as long as they remain by your side until the very end.

Nothing else in this world matters more than their love and support.

[theje0ngs]

JJH | Forget Me Not

“Have you completely forgotten about me?”

PAIRING/CHARACTERS • bodyguard!jaehyun x rich-girl!reader ft. brother!doyoung, brother!gongmyung, kun & johnny appears

GENRE • angst, romance(?), smut, forbidden love!au, secret love!au

WORD COUNT • 15.7k

WARNINGS • 18+ themes, profanities, brief description of the accident, scenes in the hospital, inaccurate representation of hospital procedures (cuz im no med student bro), issues relating to family, betrayal, mentions murder/assassination, protected sex, fingering, handjob/blowjob, slow sex

GELA SAYS • the LONGEST fic i’ve ever written oh my god ?? my original wc goal is probably 5k but i ended up with THAT number lmao ,, btw ! timestamps are important in this story so this is a heads up because you might get confused hehe and this would probably the last fic i’ll be posting for now, as i’m taking a break from writing again. sorry if this took so long lol this isn’t proofread so i apologize for the mistakes and the rushed ending, i badly wanted to end it right away lol

TAGLIST  • @aizzon @queenrachelpink @straykidsftnct @nctevia @dreamycomets @ahgastayzen @rbf-aceu @lookingforangst @yoonohing​

HAPPY READING!

“You ready?” Your father asked, receiving a nod from you and a long sigh as you readied yourself to face a large crowd. “Go get ‘em.”

You gave your father a smile, carefully taking steps on the stairs as the emcee introduced you to the crowd. After years of hard work and training for your father, you have finally secured yourself a spot in one of his many companies. Tonight is one of the most important nights of your life as they introduce you as the new CEO of a media company under Haneul Group of Companies. The one that started inside your father’s old room in a university somewhere in Korea has been vastly growing as the years pass by. Your father, Kim Hyong Chul, stood proud as he watched his only daughter walk up the stage and take the podium.

“A pleasant evening to each and every one in this event. I am very thrilled to be here tonight and excited about the things I will be working on in the following years. Tonight, I introduce myself as the new and the youngest CEO of Haneul’s media company to date.” You started; the crowd gave you a round of applause before letting you proceed. “I returned to the country approximately three years ago. A 23-year-old woman who, at the time, opposed the idea of working under her father’s company. I wanted to be different, I wanted people to think of me as someone who started from the bottom, slowly but surely making her way to the top. Which I did succeed in doing, all thanks to my father for agreeing to my idea. Now I stand in front of you, as a 27-year-old woman, no longer a trainee, an employee, but a CEO.”

As you deliver your speech, outside of the venue, stood your boyfriend. He could only hear your muffled voice from the other side of the door. Your voice alone puts a smile on his face, and it was a good thing that he was standing far enough from his colleagues, if not, he would be too obvious. He had a glimpse of you when someone exited the event hall. You looked so gorgeous and stunning wearing that expensive dress that costs a month of his salary. Gorgeous as ever. He thought.

Despite being satisfied with his current relationship with you, there were days that Jaehyun wished he could take you out on a nice date. Hold your hand in public, kiss you whenever he wants to or do typical sweet things that most couples do. But he can’t. He can, but it would be too risky and would cause a huge scandal.

Because he was your bodyguard, and you were his boss.

As the banquet came to an end, your parents were the first ones to exit while you and your brothers stayed for an interview with the business magazines and newspapers. As the press crowded the three of you and flooded you with questions, Jaehyun’s crew tried their best to stop them from causing a stampede, creating a human barrier. When your eyes met his, you smiled at him slightly. This was the closest he got from you tonight, and he fell in love once again.

“Miss Y/N, in your last interview with us three years ago, you’ve mentioned that you have no time for love because you were too occupied with training. Perhaps your perspective has changed now that you are the CEO; do you have any plans of getting into a relationship?” asked one of the presses, causing you to chuckle.

“You guys really love to gossip about my personal life, especially my love life.” You said, tucking your hair and quickly gazed at Jaehyun. “The answer is still the same. Now that I am the CEO, I have to work much harder, and I don’t think I would ever have the time for love.”

Ouch. That actually hurt, but there was nothing that Jaehyun could do. Even though you’ve been hiding your relationship for years now, and he knew your answers are lies to protect the two of you, he couldn’t help but feel a light pang on his chest every time someone asks you about your relationship status.

Once the interview with the press is over, you and your brothers were escorted back to the secured parking space. Doyoung was on his way to the airport for a personal business in Germany, while Gongmyung was on his way back home. You bid farewell to your brothers, planting kisses on their cheeks and entered the car with your bodyguard, aka – your boyfriend.

After a long day of standing in high heels and a long gown, finally, you got to sit next to Jaehyun in your car. The moment you got inside the car; you planted a kiss on his lips before hopping onto the front seat.

“Missed you.” You murmured.

You could feel him smile during the kiss and plant once more, “I’m sorry I couldn’t hear or see you deliver your speech. I’m sure you did great, like you always do.”

Jaehyun started the engine of the car, following your brother’s vehicle before separating on the main road. There was something about driving along the city that was lit up with bright lights and holding Jaehyun’s hand that calms you down instantly. The quiet road and the soft music coming out of the car’s speaker– everything felt right at this moment. You never wanted it to end.

“You do realize that once we reach the village, you’ll have to hop back to the backseat again, right?” He chuckles, taking your hand as he stops at a red light. “We’re a few minutes away from the village, just let me savor this moment.”

“I know… it just sucks that we have to do this every time. I just wish we could do normal things like a couple; I just wish I could go home without having to hop in front and to the back.”

“Don’t worry, any day now. I’ll face your father and come clean about our relationship. Like we always planned.” He said, “Besides, my days as your driver/bodyguard are about to end as your new driver will be arriving any day now and I’m about to pass my resignation letter.”

“That sucks, but I’m looking forward to what our next chapter’s going to be. By the way, if I’m getting a new driver any day now, how am I supposed to receive my kisses?”

“Like we always did before, sneaking.”

You laughed at his response, adjusting your seat as you focused on your boyfriend driving. How did I get so lucky to have you, Jeong Jaehyun? You thought. This man has been with you for three years, three long years. What started off like Tom and Jerry, always arguing, ending with you two being in love. This man has been with you through your ups and downs despite not being able to express your love for each other loudly and freely. This man is the person you want to spend your whole life with, and soon, once you’re both ready to face your parents, you will find a way to tell them and ask for their blessing.

“I love you so much,” Jaehyun said, stopping at a red light once again as he squeezed your hand to reassure you. He knows what’s going on inside your head, by the looks of it, he knew you were thinking about your relationship. “I hope you’ll always remember that.”

“I won’t ever forget how much you love me, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.” You replied, “I love you too, Jeong Jaehyun.”

He lifts your hands together and plants a kiss on the back before he steps on the accelerator. No matter how calm downtown is at midnight, you didn’t expect what happened next. Jaehyun’s eyes widened when he saw a car emerging from his left side, probably going over a hundred with beaming lights. Quickly, he stepped on the brakes. Jaehyun’s hand did not let go of yours, and because it was all happening so fast, he could only close his eyes and prepare himself for the worst. The next thing you know, you were feeling your skin rip from the broken windows and another pain from the exploded airbags that hit your body.

“J-Jae,” You weakly called, trying to move your hand in his. “Babe, are you okay?”

“I love you, Y/N…” You heard him say. You tried moving the deflating airbags away from you but failed as you feel an intense pain take over your body.

FOUR YEARS AGO.

They say that you fall in love with three people in your lifetime.

You could still remember the boy you fell in love with when you were young. Your younger self sees him as someone you know you will spend your whole life with. You met your puppy love when you were ten and his name was Qian Kun – your brother’s classmate, friend, and a son of your father’s business partner. He was a year older than you and always made sure to protect you like your brothers. By the time you were fifteen, you confessed your attraction towards him. You confessed that you appreciate the things he did for you, they were the bare minimum, but hell, you appreciate it more than anyone else in the world. At first it was a secret that you tried so hard to hide, but the banquets that his and your family held every other month was Doyoung and Gongmyung’s clue to their quest of investigating your relationship with Kun. Although it was weird for your brother that you were dating his closest friend, Doyoung made sure that you were safe with Kun and that his intentions were pure and genuine and no plans of hurting you.

Dating Kun when you were young felt like you were a Disney princess, and he was your prince charming. He would treat you oh so dearly. Fights and arguments rarely occurred in the span of your relationship. During the banquets and gatherings you’ve attended, most of the people who knew your relationship were certain that the two of you will eventually get married someday.

But soon enough, you realized, life is no fairytale like how they described it in movies.

“Hey, any news about the college applications?” You asked, taking a seat on the sofa next to his study table as you munch on a bowl of popcorn.

“Actually, I have something to tell you…”

“Okay…? You’re making me nervous, what is it?”

You remembered Kun holding your hand that night as he explained why he had to move out of the country for a few years and come back once he’s settled in his father’s business. You remembered staring in his eyes, hoping to find an answer to stop him from leaving you. You remembered suggesting that the two of you should try long distance, but his response was: “You deserve better, more than seeing me on screen.”

By the time Kun left for China, you knew it was the end of your relationship. Kun was your first love, your first heartbreak, your first in everything. And even though you are broken up now, no one can break the bond you’ve established when you were young. Kun was still there for you, just like how you were still there for him. The two of you still have each other’s backs, not as someone who has romantic feelings, but as someone who once loved each other and wants what’s best for each other.

You never dated anyone after Kun, you prioritized the important things in life such as university. That leads you to the second person you fell in love with, the person who completely turned your world upside down. His existence in your life was unexpected, someone, including him, could not believe that he exists in your life. Your relationship brought the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And you met him when you were twenty-three.

At a young age, you returned home in the spring. Flowers were blooming and everything was bright and lovely. A lot has happened since another year was added to your life. Completed a degree with Media Arts, traveled the world alone, met new friends and now you’re returning home after your quick break to celebrate your graduation and the new beginnings. You knew what will greet you once you get home, after all, you were the one who planned and pitched the idea to your father. At the age of 23, you knew that returning back to your family would bring you such a huge change in life.

As your plane arrived from Italy, and you had exited the arrivals area, you saw your brothers holding a signboard with your name on it. It’s been a while since they last saw you when they visited you in Europe to attend your graduation. The two were bickering as the other tells to hold the signage higher, while the other insists that it is already visible from afar. The moment you met them, Gongmyung and Doyoung welcomed you back with open arms. Surrounded by four bodyguards, three of which you were familiar with, you exited the premises of the airport and headed off to the hotel where your relatives are waiting for your arrival. The three bodyguards you knew since you were in high school, but the other one was new, it seems.

His name was Jeong Jaehyun as introduced by the chief, your new personal bodyguard.

When you were young, you did not understand the concept of needing one when you are doing fine alone. Until you learned that coming from a very influential family, your grandfather connected with politics and your father building his own business empire, you had learned that not everyone around you has pure intentions. And as your own grandmother would say: “Trust no one – be it your friends, your lover, your security, maybe even family” after your grandfather was assassinated while playing golf with other politicians.

You found Jaehyun annoying in his first week working for you. Every step, every move, he was there to watch. Dedicated to his work of guarding you as if you were Mona Lisa and someone’s attempting to abduct you. It felt like someone was babysitting you. Sometimes you’d wish you didn’t come from a family like this at all, you were exposed to the dirty politics and business world. There was a random day in your life that you confessed this matter to your grandmother but ended up receiving a long lecture of how ungrateful you sounded.

“Jaemin, would it be okay to stop by a friend’s house for a few minutes before heading off to the headquarters?”

“Uh, I suppose that it is okay–”

“I’m afraid not, ma’am.” Jaehyun cut off the driver next to him, “Your father is expecting your arrival by 13:00.”

You rolled your eyes and sighed, “Don’t you think I’m not aware of my own schedule? I will be quick; I just have to drop these off at her house.”

“No ma’am.”

“Jaemin, don’t listen to him. Head to Seongbuk-dong, please.”

“That’s out of our way, ma’am.” Jaehyun, once again interrupts.

What felt like the nth time today, you rolled your eyes. “It’ll be quick. I don’t even have to enter her house because I’m only giving her this stupid box– now, Jaemin, listen to me and don’t listen to this jerk.”

Jaemin had no choice but to nod his head and turn right on the next street. After years of staying abroad with pure freedom and without a bodyguard nor a driver, you have forgotten what it’s like to have one again. Though you didn’t have any problems nor encountered one with your previous bodyguard, Jaehyun was different from them and makes you want to rip your hair off out of frustration every time you bicker. You grab your phone out of your bag and informed your brothers that you will be running late for a few minutes to the meeting. You knew your father too well; he wouldn’t get mad if you came in late. Or if he does, it wouldn’t be too long – he cannot stay mad at his unica hija for so long.

By the time you have arrived in front of your friend, Eunha’s house, Jaehyun opened the door for you. Reminding you to be quick as you were in a rush and only have a few minutes before the meeting with your father starts. Your childhood best friend was glad to have you back home after you apologized for taking a few weeks to visit her. As you and Eunha exchange stories, Jaehyun was tapping his feet and kept on checking his wristwatch. Eunha noticed the behavior of your bodyguard and shook her head.

“Your bodyguard has a bit of an attitude, Y/N.” She said, causing you to sigh heavily.

“Yeah, it’s only been a few weeks since he started working for me and he’s getting on my nerves already.” You replied, “I have to go now, Eunha. Father’s waiting for me, let’s catch up again soon with the others.”

You bid her goodbye and walked back to the car with your arms crossed, Jaehyun already had the door open and was waiting for you to hop on, but you refused. “Have you ever had someone tell you that you’re a bit rude?”

“Ma’am, please enter the car.”

“I won’t until you answer me.”

“Yes, I have been told that I am rude several times. Please enter the car, the chief is already looking for us.”

By the time you have arrived at the headquarters, you were just in time. Your father wasn’t even inside the conference room yet. You sat next to your eldest brother, sighing as you scroll through your phone.

“Why the long face?” Gongmyung asked, pushing a glass of juice in front of you. “Something happened?”

“I hate my bodyguard.” You groaned, “He’s rude and somewhat obnoxious. I want to change bodyguards.”

“Y/N, he’s not rude. He acts like that because he used to be part of the president’s security service, he was my bodyguard before you came home. Trust me, he’s a really nice guy to talk to. He just seems rude, but that’s just him doing his job.” Your brother explains nicely, no matter how angry you are, Gongmyung was always there to calm you down in situations like this. “Give it a few more weeks, then if it’s like that ‘till then, I’ll tell father and we’ll switch bodyguards.”

“Fine.”

As the months passed by and your workload for your father’s company arose, the more you found yourself getting annoyed and often short-tempered when it comes to Jaehyun and his attitude. It was petty actually, sometimes you even think that it’s childish that you were acting like that. All because of the stress you’re receiving at work. You and Jaehyun were like Tom and Jerry – always fighting and bickering at each other. You even think that maybe your driver, Jaemin, is annoyed by the fact that the two of you are always on each other’s nerves every morning and every night. Gongmyung’s promise of how he was willing to exchange bodyguards with you was not kept after your father rejected the proposed idea.

By this time, the green leaves of trees have turned to hues of red and orange, with a little mixture of yellow. Your favorite season has come – Autumn. There was something about autumn that you’ve loved since you were a kid. The unique color of leaves, the mellow feeling every time you step outside, something about autumn brings nostalgic memories from the past.

Along with the changes of leaves, comes the changes you’re experiencing at work. You love your father, you really do, but ever since you were a child, he was always pressuring you into something you don’t want or want to take slowly. Like the time you were having a hard time memorizing the multiplication table; you were up all night with him as he tried to help you memorize it in one sitting. You didn’t know the reason why he always did that, you never found out even if you ask your mom or his mom. You assumed that it is because he was also pressured by his own father as well – a classic story in the Kim family.

Your grandfather was a known politician, known for his service and excellence in the government. Your father was supposed to follow the footsteps of his father: study hard, be a politician and serve the people of the country. Except he didn’t. Because he thought it wasn’t what he wanted, he knew he wouldn’t be happy with that field of career, knowing how dirty and dangerous politics can be.

But now that you’re feeling tired and pressured with work, you want to rest. Even just for a while, even just for a day. Just a day where you could spend it in peace without having to hear your father complain about how poorly or how messy your reports were or hear him say ‘you’re training to become a CEO and not a regular employee. Get your shit together.’

Autumn can be gloomy, just like how you woke up today. It was 6 o’ clock and you had no work schedules today. It was unusual for you to wake up this early on a day off because usually you sleep in the night after a long day, trying to regain all the energy you’ve lost after working for five straight days. As gloomy as it can be, you stood up from your bed and thought of coming to the place you’ve loved the most. The place where the four seasons of Korea can be seen beautifully.

“You’re up early.” Your mom says, peeking her head on the door as you brush your hair. “I heard the music, isn’t it your day-off?”

“Yes, but I’m heading out.” You replied.

“Where are you off to? Maybe I can come and spend the day with you.”

“Maybe next time mom, I’d really like to be alone for a while. I just want to gather my thoughts and have a little ‘me’ time.”

Your mother nods her head, understanding and realizing how much you’ve grown. From the clingy 5-year-old girl who’s always calling her mother to the 23-year-old woman in need for an alone time. Once she exited your bedroom, you called Jaehyun and informed him that you were heading out today. No day-offs for bodyguards indeed.

“I will be driving today, Miss Y/N. Jaemin is on leave.” Jaehyun informed you, opening the door and waited for you to hop in before he did. “Where are you headed to?”

“Gapyeong.”

“Do you have any business in Gapyeong, ma’am?”

“I just- just please drive me there. No questions asked.”

After an hour or so of travel, you found yourself in the dock of Nami Island, waiting for the first ferry to arrive. Since you left Seoul early, the place was not that crowded yet. You could feel butterflies inside your stomach because it brings back so many memories of your youth. And because Jaehyun needed to be close to you all the time, you had no choice but to let him take a stroll with you on the island. He was puzzled as to why you were here, he assumed that you were meeting someone for business but now that he’s watching you just walk around and breathe in the autumn air, it made him think that you were here to calm yourself.

He may not know the feeling of how hard it is to live in a family like yours, but he could see how tiring it could be. And even though you’ve been labeled like Tom and Jerry, though his existence alone annoys the spirit in you, Jaehyun knows how hardworking you are. He admired the extreme effort you exert on your job.

Jaehyun was walking a few steps behind you. There were only a few people in the island as it was a weekday and it wasn’t peak hours yet, you and he were one of the few people walking on the Gingko Tree Lane. The scenic path filled with bright yellow leaves never fails to make you smile. You turned around and gestured to Jaehyun to come closer to you.

“Would you do me a favor?” You asked, and he nodded. “I know we’re always bickering, but let’s forget all of that today. Let’s drop formalities for a day. Today.”

“Ma’am, I-”

“Let’s pretend we’re friends or whatever. I just… I just really want to feel like a normal person again, like what I was when I was studying abroad. Someone who doesn’t have someone who follows her around or drives her around, watching her every move.”

It was a simple request, but it was something he wasn’t expecting. So simple yet so sad. Nevertheless, he had no choice. He nodded his head, removing the earpiece and turned it off, causing it to disconnect to the main service connection. Though it is kind of awkward walking around the island wearing a tuxedo, he brushed it off. After two years of working in a security group, this is the first time that he was asked by his boss to act like they’re friends. It was so unusual.

“Now that we’re ‘friends’, why don’t we get to know each other?”

Why is she acting like this? He thought, averting his attention to the yellow leaves instead and started walking with you.

“There’s nothing interesting in my life, ma’am- uh… Y/N.”

“I heard you were part of the presidential security service before you started working for us. That’s interesting enough, what’s that like?”

Jaehyun sighs, remembering the main reason of how he got into this line of work. “My father is a retired special forces colonel. After his retirement when I was 20, he became part of the presidential security service after he was recruited by an old colleague- which I also became part of a year ago, after I graduated. It’s a much harder job than this one because we had to keep an eye on everyone in the Blue House, the president, his family– everyone.”

As the two of you walk along the lane filled with yellow leaves, your conversation deepens. Who would’ve thought that the person you were always bickering to would be the person you’re opening up your problems to? From childhood to the days of your high school life, you and Jaehyun continued to talk. At some point, you were eating dosirak with him and laughing at old memories and sharing inside jokes to each other.

“Question, do you really come here whenever you have a hard time?” Jaehyun asked, shoving a spoonful of kimchi fried rice to his mouth.

“Mhm, because this is where my first love brought me.”

“You have a first love?!”

“Of course, dummy! He’s Doyoung’s friend actually and we dated for three years.” You chuckled, “Ah, damn it… he’s actually getting married in a few months and coming here just brought a lot of memories.”

“But you’re over him, right?”

“Of course, I am! It’s been years, we’re both moved on and we’re really good friends now.” You replied, “What about you? What’s your love life like?”

Jaehyun’s mouth forms an ‘o’ and immediately shakes his head, “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I did have one before that only lasted for a year. I never dated again after that.”

“Really? Why?”

You really wouldn’t deny it, Jaehyun is indeed handsome and with that kind of face, he could get any girls he wanted. You were just surprised to find out that he hasn’t dated anyone since his first and last breakup.

“Just… just life and its stuff. I just don’t think I’m built for relationships. I never even had my first kiss yet!”

“You– WHAT?! Are you serious?” Jaehyun nodded his head, “That’s impossible! A handsome guy like you does not have their first kiss yet?”

He was taken aback by your words and his ears have turned right red. You giggled, “That’s actually cute, Jaehyun.”

“Is it? I actually find it a bit weird that I haven’t had one at this age.” He confessed, scratching his neck, “What about you? Ever had your first kiss?”

“Well, yeah. Kun and I were together for three years and we were each other’s first kiss.”

“That’s nice…”

“You grew up in a military family, correct?” You asked, he nodded. “And you know the military secrecy.”

After eating brunch, the two of you continued to walk around the small island again. Going through the famous spots and talking about your personal lives. It was your little talk with Jaehyun that you found out that it was only him and his older sister, who conquered the world together after their mother died, and his father abandoned his responsibilities as a father. That results in the two siblings working hard for everything that they needed. Your heart sank at the thought that Jaehyun had to work hard to get what he needed and wanted, the thought that he and his sister sacrificed everything to make a living. His sister was 23 and got a job as a barista, while Jaehyun enlisted as a military man the moment he turned 20. He was earning so little, yet it helped him and his sister to survive.

“What you see, what you hear, when you leave, leave it here.” He answered confidently, dimples popping out as he smiled.

“What happens in Nami Island, stays in Nami Island.” You said before tiptoeing and pressed your lips on his. It was only 5-seconds, but it felt too long for Jaehyun. “Let’s go, I’m meeting my friends for coffee. I’ll just go to the restroom first.”

What you see, what you hear, when you leave… leave it here. How will he leave what happened here when you just stole his first kiss?

“Oh god, what did I do…” You tell yourself the moment you shut the restroom door. “Why did I do that?”

PRESENT DAY.

It’s been a dreadful week since the accident. Jaehyun was still recovering from it and unfortunately, still in coma. You weren’t the religious type of person, but every night you’d pray to a deity– for his speedy recovery. As of now, you were back at your house. You had a few stitches on your forehead and a broken arm, you even went back to work for a few days after you got discharged despite your father saying that he was willing to let you rest for at least a month. And today, after work, you had informed your driver to head straight to the hospital and not home.

There was no one to update you about Jaehyun’s current situation. As far as you know, he was staying in a private room after spending a few days in the ICU. His parents would visit him whenever they can, but due to personal reasons, are not able to stay through the night as they both work. Heading to the hospital was not part of your plan this evening, yet something was telling you that you must. Your intuition was pushing you to visit your boyfriend.

And your intuition was right. Because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t know who’s responsible for all of this mess and accident.

The moment you arrived, you were shocked to see that the door of your boyfriend’s room was open, and a few bodyguards were outside by the waiting area a few meters away. It wasn’t a huge room, a bed and a bathroom fit in the small space so you could hear and see what’s going on inside. You were about to enter but you stopped your tracks when you heard a familiar voice.

“The doctor said he hasn’t awakened yet, no records of him waking up this week. But he seems okay, and his vital signs are normal.” Your mother says, “Hyeongcheol, this is bad. What if the media finds out about this? Worst case, what if your daughter finds out you’re responsible for their accident?”

“She wouldn’t find out because we’ll make it seem like it really was an accident.” Your father answered, “Y/N wouldn’t find out. I’m good at hiding secrets like her– she hid her relationship with her bodyguard? I’ll hide every single information about this from her.”

“You’ve gone too far, Hyeongcheol. I cannot believe I’m married to a person like you. Jaehyun is a person, even if he’s just a bodyguard who, take note of this, your daughter loves so much. Why does it bother you so much to the point where you almost got the two of them killed?”

“Nayeon, I’ve worked so hard to be the best. To be the richest person in this country. To give you the life the four of you deserve. I’m not letting one scandal about my daughter dating a bodyguard ruin that, we both know that this man is not capable of being in a relationship with Y/N. She deserves better.”

���And Y/N deserves a better father, a supportive, selfless and loving father.” She sternly said, “All this because you’re concerned about your image, our family’s image. And you know what? If someone finds out about all of this, that is a much bigger problem that people will talk about– not because our daughter is dating her own bodyguard, but because of this inhumane act you did. If ever the press finds out about this whole Y/N and Jaehyun scandal you formed in your head, it will die down in a few days, weeks possibly. But this whole accident? It won’t, it will stick with you and your name forever.”

Your heart broke. You didn’t know what to do or where to go. You were frozen on the spot. As much as you try not to believe it, the person behind the accident was your father. He planned it all along, all of this while me and Jaehyun were planning to tell him. You thought, holding the straps of your bag tightly. You could hear your mother’s heels click as she walked through the door, how will you face them after finding out the truth?

Your mother puts her hand on her chest and emits a loud gasp the moment the door spits her out, seeing you standing by the door with an unexplainable look on your face. A mixture of anger, disappointment, fear, and broken heart. All those four combined as one.

“How long have been standing there?”

“Long enough to hear father confess the crime he committed.”

She had pulled you inside the room, closing the door behind her. It is this moment that you realized your grandmother was right– she was right all along. Trust no one – be it your friends, your lover, or even your security, maybe even family. That continued to chant inside your head, trust no one. Trust no one but thyself. Because even the closest ones you have, like your own father, will betray you.

“Here’s your worst-case scenario, Hyeongcheol.”

“Y/N…”

“You did it dad?” You ask, trying to keep your composure even though you could feel your blood boil and tears threaten to fall. “You– you did something to that car that led me and Jaehyun to this accident?”

“I didn’t do it for yo–”

“Did you do it dad, yes or no?”

Your voice was filled with anger. It was the first time your mom has ever seen you so angry, it felt like you were a different person and not her precious girl who loved her parents dearly. But who would love their parents after finding out the truth? When she noticed your fists balled up, she tried to pull you away, trying her best to calm you down by saying words such as he didn’t do it or don’t hurt your father and many more words that you deafened to listen to. It wasn’t much of a help to you, it made your anger even worse, like throwing a gallon of gasoline to a wildfire. Rage filled your eyes, and you were ready to fight your own father.

“Answer me!” You yelled, “A simple yes or no, dad! Did you do it or not?! Because I hope the fuck not, I hope I was only hearing things!”

“…I did it out of love, I did it for you– for our family.”

Out of love.

For our family.

Out of love.

For our family.

Fuck. Fuck this family. Fuck this system. Fuck the selfish, narcissistic, rich people like your father. Your knees felt jelly as that stupid, fucked up sentence continues to ring inside your head. You were all out of words, like every single word does not exist anymore. You wanted to run away, but you can’t. You didn’t want to leave Jaehyun here, you didn’t want to go home.

Over the past few weeks since the accident occurred, you’ve been blaming yourself. You were thinking that maybe you were the reason why the two of you got into it. Maybe you were a distraction while he was driving. You’ve been blaming yourself thinking you were responsible for everything that happened, but that person was your own father.

“Leave.” You say, “Leave dad, mom. I can’t be in the same room as the two of you.”

-

Doyoung: I heard about what happened.

Doyoung: Are you coming home?

Doyoung: Gongmyung and I are worried sick. Where are you?

Gongmyung: Y/N, please return our calls.

Gongmyung: You weren’t at the hospital nor your office.

Gongmyung: Even your bodyguard doesn’t know where you are. Your location is not shared, and we cannot track you at all.

You locked your phone, turned on the do not disturb mode and shoved it back to your bag after seeing the notifications you’ve received from your brothers. A day has passed since you found out about the accident, you didn’t come home– no, you couldn’t come home knowing what your father has done. You couldn’t stay at the hospital for so long either, feeling really guilty about what happened and seeing Jaehyun weak and in pain hurts you.

After resting (more like crying your eyes out) inside the motel you checked in, you found yourself walking along the same path you and Jaehyun took years ago, where you first got to know him better. Exactly like four years ago, autumn is gloomy. Autumn is painful. You sat on a wooden chair facing the water that surrounded the whole island, letting the view cloud your mind with thoughts.

What if you weren’t from an influential family, would you be able to date whoever you wanted without being judged by most of the people who knew you?

What if you and Jaehyun live life like a normal person, what would be the thing that you would love doing together as a couple?

What if you left the venue earlier and did not receive any interviews?

What if…

What if Jaehyun never wakes up?

You felt a tear escape from your eye, and you let out a scoff. Your dreams are really simple, aren’t they? You dream of living a simple life, as a simple person, from a simple family.

“I knew we’d find you here.”

You turn around and see your two brothers, Gongmyung was holding a coat which he immediately placed on your shoulder and Doyoung was holding a duffel bag, which you assumed had clothes inside. The two sat next to you, sandwiching you between them. And that made it worse– your tears wouldn’t stop from falling.

“We know you wanted space, but we want you to know that we’re here for you.” Doyoung said, taking your hand in his. “What father did was unforgivable. We understand where your anger is coming from, Y/N.”

“We won’t force you to come back home with us, don’t worry. We’re just here to comfort you.” Gongmyung added, “Take all the time you need to heal. Cry it all out.”

And you did. You cried to the two of them until there were no more tears left to cry.

WINTER, FOUR YEARS AGO, TWO MONTHS AFTER THE TRIP TO NAMI ISLAND.

It was the weekend, the first time in months that the three of you were home. You emerged from your bedroom to the formal dining room where your brothers were peacefully having breakfast.

“Has anyone seen Jaehyun?”

Your question almost choked Doyoung from drinking his hot coffee. You cocked an eyebrow, what was wrong with your question? You were just looking for your bodyguard because you’ve noticed that he’s been gone for a while and that your driver, Jaemin, has been double working. As your driver and your bodyguard.

“Why?” Doyoung asked, putting down his cup of joe. “You never take interest in your bodyguard.”

“Well, he’s been gone for a week, maybe even two weeks now. Just wanted to make sure he’s not dead or something.”

The eldest flips his newspaper, “Jaehyun’s out of town with his family.” Answered Gongmyung, receiving confused reactions from the two of you. “Don’t give me those looks, I’m closer to him than you two are because he was once my bodyguard.”

Satisfied, you sat next to Doyoung and poured yourself a cup of coffee. “Well, that’s great, I’m attending a friend’s birthday party tonight and it’s great that he isn’t here to prevent me from getting drunk with my friends.”

“Your dreams are so simple, Y/N.” Doyoung teased, and you rolled your eyes in return.

“I know, right?”

That night, while getting ready, you made sure to tell Jaemin not to wait for you. You told him to just drop you off at the club and will contact him again or any of the drivers if you need assistance to go home. After that you prepared yourself, you wore your favorite mini-dress from Balmain, paired with platform pumps from Versace in the same color. Your outfit reveals a lot of skin, which you knew your brothers would either make you change your clothes or convince you to bring something that would help you cover up just in case.

When you arrived at the club, the guards outside immediately recognized you. They opened the doors of the establishment, causing a few groans and possibly profanities from the people in line. What could you do anyway? This was owned by one of your friends from high school (the one that Doyoung has warned you about), and you were considered a VIP. It was really loud– considering that you were walking down the stairs, a bit far from the main club, the blasting music and colorful lights flashing, mixed with the loud cheers of young people partying and having the best time of their lives. You missed this: partying. Your parents may sleep through the night knowing that their daughter was inside her apartment, either studying or sleeping abroad, but every weekend, you and your college friends party as if the world was ending the following day. You loved partying and dancing; you can’t even count the number of boys you’ve made out with before.

When you spot your group of friends, they cheered loudly and poured you a shot of vodka right away. Starting a bit strong tonight, you thought, taking another before hissing due to the taste of the alcohol.

One drink led to another, and it was obvious that you were fueled up by the alcohol. You noticed some of your friends were doing body shots, some were passed out on the couch while you found yourself on the dance floor. Swaying your hips and arms raised as you danced to the rhythm. You knew you had enough alcohol when you started making out with a random guy on the side of the dance floor. His lips were soft, but not as soft as that person’s lips you kissed out of nowhere in your favorite place. His lips tasted like alcohol and cigarettes combined, not like the cherry flavored lips of Jaehyun.

Why couldn’t you stop thinking about Jaehyun lately? Why was he coming to your dreams and thoughts? Why is he in your mind when, right now, you’re making out with a total stranger? It’s no longer the alcohol in your system that’s thinking about him, maybe it was your mind– possibly your heart. This is dumb, you thought. You hated Jaehyun, right? But why are you feeling confused about how you feel towards him?

You pull away from the person you were making out with, he was hesitant to let you go at first, keeping his hands on your waist to keep you close to him. You tried pushing his hands off, badly needing to go to the restroom.

“Come on, don’t go now! We’re having fun!” He said, trying to keep you closer to him.

Blech. This was when he finally let you go. When he felt your vomit come contact with his skin and on his white button-up shirt. “You– ah fuck, can’t say anything bad about you because you’re a Kim.” The boy said, stepping back and tried to remove himself from the scene. You could only give him a smug smile and wipe your lips.

You remember walking back to the booth and tried calling someone but ended up blacking out before they could even answer.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N…” Your father sighs, shaking his head in disbelief when he saw you lying on the couch in the living room at 6:00 in the morning. “Please cook some hot soup and prepare some ibuprofen, as well as a hot bath for her.”

The maids nod their heads before heading off to the kitchen and to your bathroom. Your mother who just woke up, was confused as to why the servants were in a rush so early in the morning, walks to the living room only to find her youngest blacked out and the three men of the family are still in their pajamas, standing across the couch and staring at your sleeping figure. You were covered with a jacket and your head was hanging off the couch, your heels and personal belongings were tossed somewhere in the room.

“Who brought her home?” She asked, sitting down on the couch and gently swooped your head before placing it down on her lap. She started running her fingers on your hair, tangled as you tossed and turned on this uncomfortable sofa earlier.

“Jaehyun did.” Answered the eldest, “I’m curious, are we going to ground her for coming home drunk and passed out?”

“She’s an adult, we can’t ground her.” Argued the middle child. “Right, dad?”

“I don’t know, this is the first time I’ve seen her so drunk. Was she like this when she was still in university?”

“You can’t ground her, Hyeongcheol. She’s an adult who’s living her life, let’s just tell her to drink responsibly next time so she won’t end up going home passed out again.” Your mother says, ending the three men’s discussion. Just in time, the maid informs them that the hot bath is ready.

Your parents have tried almost everything to wake you up, but only one was effective. Doyoung pointed his phone’s speaker to your ear and played an audio compilation of sirens on YouTube with the volume set to the highest, causing you to jolt up and with a throbbing headache. You would’ve gone feral if it weren’t for your hangover. You sure missed partying, but not the hangover the following day.

“How did I get here?” You asked, sitting up straight but your head felt heavy. “Oh heavens, I’m never drinking again.”

“Jaehyun brought you home.”

“I thought he was out with his family– fucking hell, Doyoung, can you turn that shit off?!”

“Y/N, language!”

You apologized to your mother, pointing out that Doyoung’s siren noises were making your hangover worse than it already was. How did Jaehyun get into the club? You were sure you were just thinking about him before you vomited on that dude you were making out with last night. What is he, some sort of a knight and shining armor? You thought, bringing your hands to your head as you felt another pain.

“I’m sorry, mom and dad.”

“It’s alright,” Your dad said, “Go ahead and freshen up. I’m letting you take this day off for you to rest. Take a bath and join us for breakfast, you’re reeking alcohol.”

If your dad made you go to work today, a hundred percent, you wouldn’t be able to focus and end up sleeping in your cubicle for the rest of the day. Speaking of work, has Jaehyun returned from his leave? That was something that has been in your mind as you bathe in the hot water. That thought stayed inside your mind until you fell asleep during the day.

A brand-new day, after spending yesterday in bed with a really bad hangover, you were ready to go back to work again. There were tons of scheduled meetings with your father today, some with the investors, some with the same old people who work for the company– there were too many to mention. You left the house at exactly 7 a.m., shocked to see Jaehyun back at work with the same stoic face of his whenever he greets you outside of your house.

As you rode the elevator of your father’s building, you could feel the awkward atmosphere inside the lift. It was less awkward when you were in the car as Jaemin was there, but it was more awkward when you realized that the only people riding the lift are the two of you.

“Thanks.” You said, after mustering the courage to break the silence. “I don’t know how you got there and how you brought me home, but thanks for bring me back safely.”

“It’s my job, you don’t have to thank me for it.”

Jaehyun was standing in front of you, his back was facing you so you couldn’t see his reaction, but you were certain that he had kept his straight face.

“So… how did–”

“You called me and confessed something through voice message.” He said bluntly.

I did what? Your eyebrows furrowed as you thought of what happened that night. You were sure you remember making out and vomiting on someone, but definitely not confessing to Jaehyun!

“I did what?”

“It’s hard to say, Ms. Y/N… let’s just pretend it didn’t happen nor did I say that.” He sighs, waiting for the elevator doors to open and exited, waiting for you to exit as well.

You were about to say something, but a woman dressed in a corporate attire greets you the moment you step out of the elevator. “Good morning, Ms. Y/N! I am Gyeoul, your new assistant and your father asked me to show you to your new office. It’s located at the west wing of the building, three floors below your father’s office which is located at the east wing. All of your stuff has been taken from the cubicle you were using and moved here.”

You couldn’t help but try to recall the events of that night as you follow the woman to your new office while Jaehyun walks behind you. My phone. You thought, fishing out the device out of your bag. You realized that you haven’t had a chance to open this up yesterday because of your hangover and you watched Netflix through the TV. You were no longer paying attention to Gyeoul who was informing you things about your office, that’s the last thing you could think of. Goosebumps occur to your body as you open the messages you shared with Jaehyun, seeing a few audio messages and are all marked as read.

“Oh my god,”

“Yes, Ms. Y/N? Is there something wrong with the location of your office or the interior design?”

“N-no! I mean, oh my god! It’s beautiful and the view is so pretty. I love it.” You said, changing the tone in your voice and shoved your phone into your pocket.

She smiles in return, “I’m glad you love it. I will head off now, if you need me, just buzz me and I’ll be here right away.”

When Gyeoul was about to leave, Jaehyun followed her, but you were quick to stop him by holding his wrist and closed the door. “This has to end. We need to talk about us.”

“What about us?”

You dropped your bag on the ottoman, letting go of his wrist and walked to the windows to gather your thoughts. You frustratingly run your fingers through your hair, frustrated that Jaehyun is acting like he does not understand what you’re saying.

“You’re in my mind lately and I don’t know why! It’s… it’s making me crazy! You’re making me crazy!” You confessed, “It was just a kiss! A simple, quick kiss but why is the aftermath like this? Why do I think of you all the damn time, even last night, when I was kissing some dude?”

“Miss Y/N–”

“Why am I starting to fall for you, Jeong Jaehyun?!”

PRESENT DAY.

After crying for so long on Nami Island, your brothers have convinced you to eat with them at a local barbecue place. And even though you have vowed never to drink again, you and Gongmyung were drinking one on one (not Doyoung though, he’s driving back home).

“I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you,”

“Why are you saying sorry to us? You did nothing wrong.” Gongmyung said, flipping the meat on the grill as he watched you wipe another tear. “Stop crying now, Y/N. We’re not angry or disappointed.”

“And frankly, we noticed it already. The looks and smiles you two exchanged before? You make it seem so subtle but somehow my intuition told me that there was something between you and Jaehyun.” Doyoung smiled, handing you his handkerchief. “Wipe those tears. We understand why you hid it. You just wanted to protect Jaehyun and your relationship.”

“Grandma was so right, trust no one. Be it your friends or family.”

The moment they found out about the accident, Doyoung who was bound to Europe took the next flight back to Korea and Gongmyung rushed to the hospital despite him being in his pajamas. You couldn’t help but smile at your brothers, you swore the two of them had annoyed and teased you a lot growing up, but they’re always there to understand and protect you. 

“I don’t know where I’m going now…” You murmured, “I can’t go home, I don’t want to face dad after what happened.”

“You can stay at my condo, I’m not using it anyway since mom says I should still live with you all.” Gongmyung offered, “You can stay there until you’re ready. I can drive you to work and pick you up.”

“You’d do that?”

“Of course, you’re my baby sister!”

“Hey, she’s my baby sister, too!”

“Then I drive her to work and you drop her off at my condo then.”

“Alright, deal!”

After that dinner, you decided to check out of the motel and head back to the city with your brothers. As expected, Doyoung was the only one who’s allowed to drive as you and Gongmyung had a lot to drink. This week is too much for you to absorb, you don’t even have the energy to go to work but what could you do? You couldn’t abandon your job, after all, you’re the CEO now (although you still work under your father’s company). While Gongmyung snores in the front seat, you rest your head on the window. The night is deep and quiet, extra points for the rain as it gives you a really dramatic effect— almost as if you were filming a music video.

Now that you found out the truth, what will happen? Will your father admit the crime, or will he hide it until his conscience speaks out about it? There were many things running inside your head as you stared outside the window.

“Doyoung, can we visit Jaehyun?” You asked quietly, your brother looked at you through the rearview mirror with his brows raised. “I-I know it’s late but I really want to see him right now.”

Doyoung nods his head to your request, reminding you that it’ll be an hour until you arrive at the destination and that you should rest. But you couldn’t rest, you just simply couldn’t close your eyes because every time you do, you recall the last few seconds before the accident occurred. The whole drive to the hospital, you were just quiet. You weren’t holding your phone, you were busy looking out the window and trying to focus on other things and not the one running inside your head. 

“We’ll stay out here, call us when you need anything.” Doyoung said and closed the door of Jaehyun’s room for you. 

It was painful honestly, hearing nothing but his vital monitor beep as it keeps track of his vital signs. He was sleeping peacefully, no records of him waking up today unfortunately. You dropped your bag on the couch, taking a seat next to his bed before holding his hand. Oh the things you want to say to him right now, but it feels like it’s not the right time for that. You stayed like that for a while, and eventually you found yourself crying again. Crying and apologizing. 

The clock strikes 2 in the morning. You didn’t notice that you fell asleep crying and holding his hand. The strain you felt on your neck woke you up, you lifted your head and looked at Jaehyun. He was still asleep, nothing new. But you were deeply asleep. Sighing, you stood up and grabbed your belongings, planted a kiss on his forehead and whispered: “I love you” before leaving him alone inside the cold hospital room again.

I’ll be back, Jae. 

FOUR YEARS AGO, THREE WEEKS AFTER YOUR CONFESSION.

Ah, the season of bliss. The season most of the company employees look forward to the most— the season of all seasons, Christmas. Your father, since he started his own company, made sure to thank all the people around him for their hard work and service to the companies he had. That is why he rents a whole hotel resort somewhere around the globe to celebrate another successful year of working altogether. 

And this year, due to popular demand and due to the current situations of the world, they decided to celebrate the year-end party in Jeju Island. Luckily, one of your father’s great friends, who happens to be Kun’s father, owns the hotel-resort everyone was staying at for three days. That’s three days of different activities with material and cash prizes that got everyone so excited. 

Because everyone was given a chance to explore the wonders of Jeju throughout the day, the final event to wrap up the three-day company outing will be held tonight, the Christmas Party. The hotel resort you were staying in is owned by the Qians, which is why Kun was present here as well. That being said, you made plans to grab a drink with him as you wanted to relax before going back to your reality tomorrow.

“So, is there a lucky guy in your life now?” He asked, taking a sip of his pinot noir. “Doyoung said you want to focus on your training, what’s that like?”

“I do want to focus on my training, but there’s this guy who… well, it’s a mess right now.”

You don’t even know if Jaehyun has reciprocated your feelings or not. After that confession of yours, the two of you never had the chance to talk about it as well. He just left your office like nothing happened and waited for you until your work was done. It was quite embarrassing for your part, really, you’ve never confessed to anyone after Kun and since then you were just casually dating. For the first time in years, you had the chance to confess to a guy once again but it feels like it was a bad idea. It really wasn’t a mess, you just said that because you knew that it would stop Kun from interrogating you.

Or so you thought.

“Why is it a mess? Sending you mixed signals?”

You shook your head, he’s not, in fact I’m the one who’s at fault. “No,” You answered, “Sorry, I won’t go deep into the details. It’ll go away soon, besides I’m not even sure if I’m really into him.”

Hell yeah you’re sure. 

You have successfully maneuvered the topic to a different one. Kun has exchanged stories with you about how his fiancé was excited about getting married and how they were so ready for their honeymoon in Maldives. You could see it in his eyes that he was enamoured of his significant other— they’re so lucky to have him in their life. Your little catching up session ended when your alarm rang and reminded you that it was time for you to go and prepare for tonight’s dinner party. You bid your goodbye to Kun and he handed you the invitation for his wedding before walking away.

And now here you were, on the balcony of the event’s place that overlooks the beach. You took one last sip of your wine before placing it on the small table and removed your shoes, holding the straps on your fingers as you walked down the stairs that lead to the beach. No single soul was here except you and you took advantage of that. You walk closer and closer to the shore until you feel the cold winter sea on your feet (which you really regret now).

“Miss Y/N,”

You turn your head and see Jaehyun. This was the first time you saw him since the three days you’ve been here. He looked cute as he was still wearing his tuxedo with an antler headband.

“Walk with me.” You request, waiting for him to respond. He nodded his head and walked until he was finally next to you. “So, I want to apologize about what happened three weeks ago. From me calling you so late in the evening, you picking me up in the club and uh… me confessing. That’s kind of unprofessional of me, I think, and I know you’re just doing your job and it’s not your fault that I’m uh, starting to like you because I’m the one who’s responsible for my feelings. I hope we can just pretend that that never happened.”

“Y/N,” Jaehyun called, you stopped your tracks by the sudden drop of formalities. “Do you know why I walked out right after your confession?”

“Because we’re two different people who are not meant for each other.” He continues, “You’re so near yet so far, you don’t deserve someone like me. You deserve someone who lives the same lifestyle as you, the same tax bracket as you, someone who—”

“So what you’re saying is that you think the two of us wouldn’t work because we’re from two different worlds?” You asked, his nod made you scoff. “Then I guess that’s it. You’ve rejected me then?”

“I wasn’t finished though,” He says, “We’re from two different worlds, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be with you, wanting to try it with you. I know what I’m about to enter would be a huge risk, a huge scandal, but if it’s with you, then I’m willing to take that risk.”

And in that moment, what he told you, it felt like a dream. Is this really happening? You ask yourself, unable to process the words he just said. Your solution? Run back to the hotel and leave him on the beach because you got shy. Jaehyun, however, laughs at what he just witnessed.

The morning after, you found yourself waking up due to the hotel staff knocking at your door. You were so confused because it was early in the morning and the checkout was not until 1 o’ clock in the afternoon. When you opened the door, the bellboy handed you a small bouquet of forget me nots, confused, you took them and thanked the bellboy. It’s winter— usually, forget me nots bloom during the spring. You touch its petals and realize they were artificial.

“Roses are overrated. Forget me not flowers symbolize true love and respect— so I hope you know that my confession last night is true. They’re artificial because they’re not in season yet, I’ll give you the real one in the spring. Let me know if you’re willing to take this risk with me, no rush, let me know whenever you’re ready. Happy holidays, Y/N. Signed, J.”

PRESENT DAY.

Thank heavens for the condominium your brother owns. Somehow, you were able to calm yourself by staying there and found comfort instead of going back home. You’ve been staying there for quite a while, and your brothers willingly drove you back and forth to the office and to the condominium. Your parents have tried to contact you, but your brothers insisted they give you time and let you heal first before speaking to them. Jaehyun, so far, has yet not woken up from his coma. It’s been 8 weeks since the accident, yet no signs of him waking up happened. 

“Miss Y/N, Johnny Suh is here to see you.” said your secretary through the intercom.

“Oh, alright. Send him in please.”

Johnny Suh, the famous director and currently the CEO of Suh Film Studios, enters your office with a bouquet of tulips. 

“I heard about the accident when I was in America, how are you?” He asked, taking a seat on the chair across your table. “These are for you, by the way.”

“Thank you, they’re pretty.” You compliment, taking the bouquet from his hands. “I’m good, it’s been a month and I’m doing good now.”

“What about that bodyguard of yours? Is he good?”

You stopped looking at the flowers and gazed at him, “Uh, no. I heard he’s still at the hospital.” You reply, “So what brings you here?”

“Nothing, just wanted to see how you were doing— personally. I haven’t heard much from you since you last contacted me and since the accident, there haven’t been many updates about you.”

Still the same person who never gets tired of flirting with you since you were introduced two years ago. You let out a chuckle, standing up to put the flowers he gave you in an empty vase. “I’ve been avoiding the media and the internet, that's why you haven’t heard any updates about me.” You say, turning your back against him as you place the vase on the small cabinet by the window. “Johnny, why are you really here?”

“I told you, I just wanted to see how you’re doing.” He answered, “Also, I’d like to take you out for dinner.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? I just wanted to catch up and take you out. Nothing more, nothing less.”

You turn your heels around, “Well, alright then.”

“Great, I’ll pick you up at 6.”

The moment Johnny bid his goodbye, you return to your seat and stare at the tulips resting on the vase. You remember Jaehyun again, he loved giving you flowers. Sometimes you’d find them in your office, on a random Monday morning with a cute note. The specific flower he loved to buy you were forget me not— he loved them because they only bloom during the spring, he loved them because it’s his reminder that he will keep you in his thoughts everyday. He loved that the flower means being faithful, because like the flower, he was faithful to you as well. After all, you really are his first official girlfriend. Sucks that his first relationship is hidden from the public.

You didn’t have time to go back home and just asked Johnny to pick you up at your office. You informed your brothers beforehand as well, they told you that they will be visiting Jaehyun tonight. He brought you to the newest Michelin restaurant in town, owned by Lee Taeyong— your brother, Doyoung’s best friend and as he quoted your ‘brother from a different mother’. Taeyong was shocked to see you again after so long that he offered to pay for your whole meal, which Johnny disagreed to because it was still business (also because the meal you’re currently eating is worth at least $500).

“You know your bodyguard has always been so protective of you, aren’t you getting annoyed by it?”

That’s because he’s my boyfriend. “The first few weeks were annoying, but I grew out of it. I kind of miss having him around.”

“Why? Is he your boyfriend or anything?”

You almost choked on the wine you were drinking, but brushed it off with a chuckle. “Stop putting meaning into it, John. He’s been my bodyguard for four years, I got used to him being around and following me.”

“You’re right, I just assumed that he’s into you because he’s really protective of you and looks like he’d punch any other guy who tries to touch you.”

“His gaze has always been like that ever since.”

Johnny was about to answer but got interrupted by your ringing phone. You excused yourself and took the phone with you before heading to the restroom. Gongmyung has sent you numerous text messages while Doyoung called you, quickly, you answer the call. Just before you could say a greeting, you could hear Doyoung’s frantic voice. 

“We’ve been trying to contact you, are you still with Johnny?” He asked, by the sound of his breath, you know that he has been walking back and forth.

“I am, what’s happening?”

“Jaehyun…”

You didn’t need any further explanation; you ended the call and went back to Johnny. The older man noticed the haste in your actions, “What’s happening?”

“I have to go,” You reply, taking your wallet and pulling out cash. “I’m sorry, it’s an emergency.”

You placed the cash on the table and headed off quickly, unable to hear Taeyong’s voice when he called you as your attention was focused on Jaehyun’s condition. Fuck, you thought, seeing the traffic on the streets. It’s rush hour and no taxis or buses are available nearby. You could hear Johnny call for your name, and felt his hand on your shoulder. 

“It’ll take you hours if you wait here, I’ll drive you.”

TWO YEARS AGO

Two years have passed, yet it feels like it was yesterday when you got drunk and confessed to Jaehyun. Your relationship is slow as the two of you agreed. Keeping a private, lowkey relationship was something you weren’t expecting you’d have, but you were definitely satisfied with it. You and Jaehyun would sneak kisses whenever he enters your office, sometimes you’d take the risk of making out on the couch of your office after business hours. You’d always tell your parents not to wait for you for dinner because you have something else to do in the office, but you were just there so you could spend quality time with your boyfriend. Jaehyun enjoys the thrill, whenever the two of you are left alone in the building, he’d sneak a kiss on the hallways where the cctvs are out of sight, inside the elevator if there’s only the two of you, before heading to the parking lot, you’d pull him to the emergency stairwell, inside the car while your driver fills up the gas. 

His lips were so… addicting. And that’s why you arranged a rendezvous together. Away from the city, from the crowd. In a little cabin in the woods in a place where no one knows the two of you, to celebrate your first year together.

“You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my whole life,” he says, planting a soft kiss on your cheek before claiming your lips. “I love you so damn much.”

You feel your cheeks heat by the compliment. Jaehyun kisses you slowly and passionately while your hands work on unbuttoning his white dress shirt. This is the first time since you’ve dated that you will be intimate with each other. All you ever did in the span of one year were sloppy make-outs in places you know no one will see you. Though there are days you could feel his boner through his pants during makeout sessions, he’d laugh them off and tell you that he was willing to wait for the perfect time for that to happen. 

“C-can I?” He asked gently, referring to your shirt. You nod your head and feel the cold air from the A/C on your exposing skin as he peeled off the shirt. Jaehyun bites his lips as he sees your breasts bounce once the cloth is removed. “Gorgeous, gorgeous girl.”

Jaehyun took this chance to remove the remaining clothes off of him and yours as well, he kissed your forehead before mumbling a quick thank you then proceeded to plant kisses on your cheeks, the tip of your nose and your lips. So what was it with Jaehyun’s lips that are so addicting? Because whenever he kisses you, you feel like your world slows down. It’s like his lips were made for you and you only. You feel your head lay down on the soft pillows while he peppers kisses on your neck lowering himself further as he creates a trail; he kisses the skin between your breasts, he pauses in the middle of your tummy. You felt goosebumps as you felt his hot breath on your skin. Someday. Someday in the future. He thought, kissing the skin before proceeding to lower himself.

It feels so embarrassing knowing how wet you are right now, but Jaehyun assures you that it was fine. He runs his finger along your slit, causing you to suck air. Jaehyun chuckles, rubbing the nub clockwise as you arch your back. He inserts a finger, followed by another one as he distracts you from the pain by dipping his lips to yours. 

“Jaehyun, c-can I?”

He took your pleas as a signal, he quickly discarded his boxers and kicked them off his legs. You knew that Jaehyun was packing, you could feel it through your pants or skirt whenever he’s hard while you’re making out yet you were fascinated by how it looks now that you’re seeing it. Your lips curl into a grin, sitting up and your hands take his cock, precum visible on its tip. You pump his shaft a few times, earning groans and heavy sighs from Jaehyun. You took his length into your mouth, tasting the salty, bitter taste of his precum. His hips started to jerk forward slowly, feeling the splash of pleasure as you suck him. He smirks when he hears you gagged, removing himself from your mouth and wiped the drool on the side of your mouth.

After he opens the silver packet, he rolls the rubber on his cock. He puts his fingers below your chin, and you look up to him with a smile. Jaehyun connects his lips to yours and you let go of his dick when you feel him gently push you to the bed, your lips not breaking up. You feel his hand spread your legs to position himself between you. 

He breaks the kiss and lines his cock on your entrance, “Ready?” He asks, earning an eager nod from you. Jaehyun plants a kiss on your forehead before he pushes the tip in. You let out a gasp, feeling his thick cock rub against your wall. “Baby, you’re tight.”

Your eyes shut closed when Jaehyun started to suck on your nipple, he palms your breast and started to rock his hips slowly. The mixture of moans and groans filled the whole room as his entire length was buried inside of you. He maintained the slow pace, taking his time as he practically makes out with your nipple while you tug his hair in pleasure. When he finally stopped, he started whispering sweet nothings against your cheek and lips. 

The sex was slow and intimate— nothing like the ones you did when you were in university because now, you were doing it with the person you love and not a random guy you met at a party. It feels different knowing how much you love this guy, it feels so perfect and you feel loved, adored and appreciated by the things he’s been whispering to you. The bed creaks with each thrust he makes, your fingers that were once on Jaehyun’s hair, now twisting the comforter underneath you. 

“Babe,” you mewl, “I-I think I’m close, please don’t stop…”

“So am I.”

Jaehyun started to fasten his pace, his length was filling you up and the skin slapping got louder and louder, causing it to echo inside the room. The orgasm that was slowly building up earlier, was now at its peak. You were the first to cum, wrapping your legs around his waist as you let him chase his high. Your walls clench around him, causing his cock to twitch— his thrusts became more frantic. Jaehyun moans your name as his cum spills into the condom. 

He pulls out of you, removing the rubber from him and making sure to tie and discard it properly. Soon, he was lying next to you in bed. Planting kisses on your forehead and whispered a small thank you and I love you to you. It felt perfect; you in his warmth, not caring about the world and its problems— because what’s important right now is just the two of you.

PRESENT DAY.

After you thanked Johnny for giving you a ride to the hospital, you rushed to the entrance. Stopping for a second to remove your heels and once you held them in your hands, you were unstoppable. The elevator was taking far too long to arrive so you chose to take the stairs as Jaehyun’s bedroom was located on the third floor only. After opening the emergency stairwell’s door, you stopped to catch your breath and walked to his room where your brothers were waiting for you outside.

“What happened?”

Doyoung turns around and sees you holding your heels, yet ignores the judgment he did as whatever he was about to comment did not matter right now. “It’s been thirty minutes, the doctors still hasn’t come out.” He says, “But I came to check up on him just as you asked me to, I told Gongmyung to come with me and after 10 minutes we were inside the room, we noticed his hand move as well as his vital signs.”

You plop on the chair beside you, catching your breath properly this time. The elevator door opens and spits out Johnny, holding your bag. Thankfully, Doyoung was a quick-thinker. He was quick enough to change the subject and got Johnny out of the scene before the man finds out the reason why you were in a rush to go to the hospital. 

A number of doctors and nurses exit Jaehyun’s room, and call for you and Gongmyung. “Do you mind if we enter the room altogether?” Dr. Park asks, the two of you nodded and entered the room. “Jaehyun, the people who stood as your guardians for the past few weeks are here. Your sister is on her way here according to the assistant nurse.”

Jaehyun had a confused look on his face as he stared at you, he was staring for so long that you were starting to get nervous. “If you mind me asking Jaehyun, do you remember them?”

“M-my boss, Kim Donghyun.”

“What about her?”

He frowns, as if he was trying to find the words he wanted to say. “I don’t know her.” except the one he said shattered your heart in just a second. “I-is he Mr. Gongmyung’s girlfriend?”

The doctor smiles and shakes his head, asking more  personal questions relating to him and even from his childhood. “You did a great job, Jaehyun. Thank you for answering.” He said, “Mr. and Ms. Kim, could we step out of the room for an explanation?”

“What was that, Doc? Why can’t he remember me?” You asked the moment Dr. Park closes the door.

“Jaehyun has traumatic amnesia— that is the result of the accident. As you know, amnesia involves losing an individual’s memory. That includes his memories from his childhood and some recent events.” Dr. Park explained, “If I may ask, Ms. Kim, what is your relationship with the patient and how long have you known him?”

Your eyes widened and looked at your brother. “He’s uh, he’s my bodyguard and we’ve known each other for 4 years now.”

Dr. Park nodded his head, “I see, but you do have to know that due to the severity of his head injury, it might take a while before he remembers most of his memories, but this is also just temporary. Amnesia does not have medications to help the patient restore the lost memories, but you may help him remember some of it by reminding him of the things he experienced or liked like music, movies, and even food. Meanwhile, the patient is doing well now as per his condition, but I suggest giving him a few more days here in the hospital for him to fully recover. He’s been in a vegetative state for quite a while.”

“Thank you for explaining, Dr. Park.”

The doctor nods his head and walks away, leaving you and your brother in the hallway. Just in time for Doyoung to return from his mission to get rid of Johnny. 

“I’m just… I’m just gonna go get some fresh air.” You say, putting on your shoes and walked away. You hear your brothers call for you, but you tuned out and head off to the elevator.

“What happened?” asked Doyoung, “Is Jaehyun alright?”

“Yeah, he is. But Dr. Park said that he’s suffering from amnesia, he remembers me and most of his memories, but none from his childhood and the past 4 years. He doesn’t remember Y/N.”

“What are we going to do about it?”

“I have no idea, Doyoung.”

You needed air, but you also needed to let out your anger. After running away and staying in your brother’s condominium, you finally had the strength to return home and face your father. You hand the cab driver a wad of cash, exiting the car and walked to the gates of your house with an exasperated face. You were almost a hundred percent sure that since you left, you were a persona non-grata in this household, but the guards were quick to open the gates for you. Even the maids who were cleaning the living room were shocked to see you enter the house and quickly pointed your parents’ direction when you asked them where they were. 

You barged in the small function room you have, you weren’t aware that your parents have visitors but that was the last thing you’d think of right now. What’s more important is what you have to say. Your mom’s eyes widened when she saw your presence, your father stopped drinking his whisky.

“Are you happy, Dad?” You say, voice loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. “Are you happy that your plan worked?”

“Y/N,” Your mother warned, “Not now.”

“Why not now, Mom? Are you scared that everyone in this room will know that Dad is responsible for putting me and my bodyguard in that accident? That he was the main reason why my bodyguard is in the hospital with amnesia right now and was almost on the brink of death?”

Loud gasps echo the room, and whispers spread like wildfire. Your father was not best at hiding his emotions, when he’s mad, he’s mad as hell. He couldn’t believe that now that you are older, you’re able to look at his eyes and have the power to shame him and have the power to speak the truth in front of a lot of people. He hated that you could now look straight into his eyes and tell the world what kind of father he was. And that is why his defense was to slap you across the face, so hard that the skin of his hand and your cheek made a loud noise. 

“What kind of daughter are you, bringing shame into this family by dating a bodyguard?”

“Really, Dad? You’re asking me that when you should’ve asked yourself, what kind of person are you? How do you sleep at night knowing you almost took your own daughter’s life, and another person’s life?” You sob, turning your heels to look at the people inside the room. Your eyes met their judging gazes, “What you heard is the truth. My own father plotted an attempted murder to me and my bodyguard. The news that said the cause of my car accident was unknown? That’s because my parents wouldn’t disclose the truth to the media. They’re ashamed of what the public would think of our family, knowing that I am dating an average guy, hell, my own bodyguard.”

Silence surrounded the room as you walked away. People were astounded and speechless as they looked at your parents in disgust. As you reach the doors of your house, you wonder where did your confidence to face your father come from? And quickly, you realized it was all the pent up anger you’ve been hiding from him all these years. It felt like a thorn was pulled out of your chest, yet everything was still a mess.

Now that the truth is out, what will happen to you? You were a hundred percent sure that by tomorrow, headlines will spread about your family and your current relationship status. But with Jaehyun suffering from amnesia, what would be your relationship with him now? Will your relationship switch from being lovers to strangers? Will he continue working for you and your family? You didn’t know what the set up would be.

You return back to your brother’s condominium, unable to think straight and sleep after what happened today. It was already 12 midnight, and you find yourself sitting by the window, downing a bottle of wine as you cry. Why was the world unfair? All you wanted was to be happy with Jaehyun, and nothing else. So what is it that you did in your life, that its consequence was to withhold your happiness with Jaehyun?

“Sir Gongmyung,” Jaehyun called, causing your brother to turn his head around. Three days have passed since he woke up and is now getting ready to be discharged. “I cannot express how grateful I am for… um… you paying for my hospital bills.”

“It’s nothing, Jaehyun. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“I’ll pay you back as soon as I can, sir—”

“No, Jaehyun, everything’s settled. You don’t have to,” Gongmyung gave him a warm smile, and waited for the nurses to give them the go signal to exit the premises. “Although are you sure you’re fine going back to your job? You can rest for a while before going back, we’re not in a rush to have you back after all.”

“I don’t think I can rest, sir. It’s my job to protect you all and I’m pretty sure I’m okay going back right away.”

THREE YEARS LATER.

How long has it been since you left Korea?

It’s been a good three years since you left without saying a word, charging your father for attempted murder, winning the case and finally putting him to jail like he deserves. Haneul was still in business, thanks to your brothers’ hard work and dedication — it wasn’t easy but they made it possible. You were 27 when you left, and now you’re returning as a 30-year-old woman who now owns her own company, not affiliated with her father’s company and name. As the plane lands in Korea, you remember returning here when you were 23. A young, naive woman who had no idea what her future was like. The young woman only wanted to date freely without having everyone question her.

Doyoung had picked you up from the airport, driving you back to the apartment you bought in Gapyeong where you plan to stay for a while after finishing a huge movie. For a woman in her early 30s, directing your first movie felt good and knowing it was a blockbuster around the world boosted your confidence even more. That being said, all the hard work you’ve done for the past three years, you deserve a break. Going back to Korea was both painful and wonderful. You were going back knowing that you’ve healed some parts of you that were once broken, and you were going back to pick up the remaining pieces you’ve left there. 

“You sure you’re going to be okay here?” asked your brother as he pushed your last luggage inside the apartment, “Because I can take a few days off at work to stay with you here, even Jina can stay with you”

You let out a chuckle, shaking your head no. “I’ll be fine, I’ve been living abroad alone for three years. Pretty sure I can handle myself now.” You reply, “Besides, Jina is pregnant. I don’t want to be an inconvenience to the two of you.”

“You’re not an inconvenience, Y/N. You’re my sister and Jina misses you.”

“Doyoung, I really will be okay here. I’ll visit you whenever I can, but for now I really want to be alone” You persuade.

“Alright,” Your brother sighs, “The car you’ve asked for will be delivered here tomorrow. Be sure to wake up early for that, alright? I’m pretty sure I’ve asked them to deliver that at 9 a.m.”

You nodded your head and caged your brother into a hug, “Thank you… like seriously. For still taking care of me even if you already have your own families.”

“You’re our sister, you’re still our family.”

Doyoung left you alone inside the apartment, it was already 10 in the evening when you were finally done putting your things away. You open a bottle of wine and sat by the window of your apartment, enjoying the late night sky. As you finish your first glass, you couldn’t help but think of your ex — wait, was he your ex? There was no official breakup after all, there was no breakup to start with as he was suffering from amnesia during that time. You couldn’t help but chuckle and tear up, you avoided Jaehyun so much that time when you were attending court trials, and even avoided him when he tried to talk to you. 

Gongmyung said that after a year, he left his job and opted to work for the company his sister had recommended to him. You badly missed him, but you’re unable to do anything. You lost contact and everything with him. Jeong Jaehyun, maybe in another lifetime. You thought as you downed another glass of wine.

When the car Doyoung bought for you arrived, you wasted no time and headed off to the place you missed the most. The place you spend your happy and sad days. The place that brought you so much joy and so much pain. You noticed a lot has changed in the span of a few years of not visiting, there were a lot of tourists as expected. Families, couples, groups of friends — you smiled at the sight of them because everyone looked so happy. You sat on a vacant bench, watching the water and listening to the autumn breeze. You were back here, in the same exact spot you cried to your brothers when you found out the truth about your father. 

“I knew I’d find you here” You froze, you haven’t heard that voice in years. “Y/N…”

You didn’t want to turn around, you wanted to, but you weren’t sure if you could. Am I hallucinating? You thought, shutting your eyes close as well as your hands. This can’t be real. You thought again.

“Kim Y/N, the woman I love… you’re here again.” You gulped at the sentence, this really can’t be real. This is some fucked up shit. I’m dreaming. “My former boss who hated me, my former boss who took my first kiss on this island, my former boss who confessed to me on Jeju Island, my love who loved forget me nots.”

You could feel your heart beat faster as you heard him walk closer and closer like his voice. You still couldn’t turn your head around, you wouldn’t open your eyes. “My love who left me three years ago and returned…” At this point, you wanted to cry. He remembers, “My love, I can now remember you…”

You could feel his presence in front of you, his hands were on your knees as you quietly sobbed. The man you’ve been thinking of last night was in front of you, holding you, yet you refuse to believe it. “Y-you’re not real…” You say, hearing him chuckle.

“I am real,” He says, “and I can remember you now… your name is Y/N Kim, graduated from a university somewhere in Europe, daughter of a business tycoon. Y/N Kim who never failed to visit me in the hospital when I was in coma, Y/N Kim who took my first kiss… You’re Y/N Kim whom I loved the most three years ago, and I still do until now.”

Finally, you open your eyes and see the person in front of you. Jaehyun looked so different compared to what he looked like before you left. He looked much mature now, wearing his casual clothing and not his usual tuxedo back when you were still dating. Jaehyun smiles at you as you stare into his eyes, he wipes a tear that escaped your eye and leaned towards you to plant a kiss on your forehead. “I thought you forgot about me… what about your amnesia?”

“I started remembering the things we’ve shared together a month after you left the country…” He said, “Your brothers were a huge help as well. They were the ones who told me that you are my girlfriend, they were the ones who told me about our accident.”

“B-but…”

“I remember everything now, my love.” He said, connecting your lips together, “I will never forget you now.”

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