#it's currently morning where I am
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It's my birthday today (25th April) 🎂🙂
Update (26th April): Thank you all for the birthday wishes. You are all so sweet and kind and I'm blessed to know you 🫂💗💗💗🥺
#can't really pin this as I have a main posf there already#so I'll just leave this here on my blog all day for everyone to see#it's currently morning where I am#got a meal planned not much else#honestly I've felt 30 the last couple days cause I'm noticing my bidy creaking more since I hit my mid 20s lol#birthday#multicolour ink
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Beach Boy! Barney, jumping for joy during a trip to the beach in July of 2012.
#I don't usually post politics stuff online - even in the tags!#BUT I am currently in a state of massive relief after seeing the exit polls for our General Election in the UK today#This happy pic seemed an appropriate one to post in light of it looking as though the Tories will be out by morning!#I mean... I won't fully believe & celebrate until the *actual* results are in but the exit poll is usually pretty bang on... so YAY!#Prediction is that we will have a landslide victory for Labour - even if it's a bit wrong it looks like Labour *should* win easily#I don't massively like the current Labour party but I loathe the Conservatives & what they've done over the past 14yrs#Where I live the Tories are still actually likely to win (ick!) unless the Green Party pull off something amazing#but I don't even care about our local result much - I just want Labour to win overall & it looks like they will#Oh! Happy Independence Day to our friends across the pond!!#We will all be keeping our fingers crossed for your upcoming election results later in the year!#throwback thursday#barney#border collie#beach
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For my next trick, I will undertake two 2.5 hour road trips back to back between the hours of 9 PM and 4:30 AM. This is due to United Airlines and Mother Nature conspiring to thwart my attempts at friendful visiting.
#drove to my hometown last night with intentions of flying out of this airport in the early morning#30 minutes after I got here I got a notification that it was delayed way late#but do you know where DOES have a flight departing with approximately the same schedule?#my current town 🙃 that I just came from 🙃#took a power nap and am headed back momentarily 🥴
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what if i never get to live the life i want
#im pathetic#i can’t even take steps forward#god#im (blank) years old and i haven’t done anything with my life#what the fuck is wrong with me#im sorry#im sorry.#okay. realistically#none of this is true#i just started my period and everything feels like a lot#i have a doctors appointment in the morning and that’s really stressing me out#which isn’t helping this current situation#i am happy where my life is#i am happy with how things are going#it’s insane that the theater is part of my daily life now#that’s wonderful#it doesn’t feel like any time has past since april#but it‘s also been lifetimes#god i wish i could do theater full time#god if you’re listening. please#i’m not even religious#but please#ramblings of a henry
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#currently raging rn and its taking everything I have in me to NOT snap at my roommate#basically its been a year of her neglecting her cats#not cleaning literally one single thing in this apartment ever even though she makes the mess 99% of the time#and not being able to admit she has a problem when clearly does have a problem with hoarding stuff anf trash and it makes this#a pretty sucky apartment to live in !#but no this morning i wake up to her being ABSOLUTELY discusted with me because!#last night in the night when i was changing my pad without glasses i got a drop of blood on the floor b/c period#and she literally was like this is gross and how could you expect me to clean that and like going forward please dont do this again???#and i literally just want to be like have you fucking heard of accidents before??#like of course ill clean it up!!#but like do you really think i purposely bleed on the floor and then ignored it????#also the fact that shes done the same thing about 6 times but apparently hasnt noticed before#also shes not okay with that but she is okay with ignoring the litter boxs#having bugs because she cant clean up after herslef#and literally not being able to use certain parts of our apartment because her stuff is piled up so high#theres literally no room!#sorry i am just raging so hard rn#like the anger i feel from within is so great#like literally theres still vomit on the floor from where she threw up and never cleaned it up#its fine im just so fucking MAD
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Ash how is the fated watching going rn?? You’re braver than most
godd wampus im fucking THRIVING right now. this campaign sucks so bad it's genuinely unwatchable at times and I think that's the appeal to me <3 they spent like 10 minutes just describing and figuring out how the money system works and literally none of them sound like they've ever played dnd before and i don't think it will ever pass the bechdel test once the entire campaign even with velrissa trying her hardest but it goes crazy anyway
br'aad is my favorite character by a lot right now,, he's my FREAKK i love him and his idiot swagger so much. he's supposed to be charismatic but he sucks so bad at it everyone hates him but sticks around with him anyway. he's a warlock and his patron stops time and gives him insight on things/danger to come and kicked off the main plot in the sickest sequence I've ever seen. also his gayboy ass really did walk so every other gayboy slimecicle character could run !! they were so right !! and the party spent the first and second session hating everything he said and did . Took them sooooo long to be normal about him but they got it eventually when mountain (MY MAANNNNNN) defended him. Also he says everything with ^_^ . Just outloud you can hear it in his voice
for the rest I think the only other character that's talking enough to form an opinion on is taxi. and that opinion is STRONGLY a good one o(-( ! his banter with br'aad is so fun they're the only characters that feel Real and In The World so far and I love it so much. the names bit where br'aad kept getting his name wrong and calling him "saxi" and whenever he corrected him br'aad would just go "I know saxi. Nice to meet you im br'aad!" actually had me in tears at a certain point they're the only ones that have gotten me to laugh fr fr so far
sadly velrissa mountain and sylnan just Don't Fucking Talk so i don't have any real concrete opinions on them yet other than "hmm. Interesting ^_^" velrissa and her necromancy stuff is so neat so far I hope we get to see it in action soon instead of just small mentions here and there. same with the dynamic between sylnan and br'aad I NEEED to see more snockers scenes like their sibling scamming bullshit seems so cool I can't wait for them to emotionally rip my heart out through my throat. I can feel it coming
honestly the main appeal of it all is the characters and the characters alone. them slowly becoming friends and trusting each other will fuck with my brain permanently. I already cheered out loud when they so much as INSINUATED that they could stand br'aad and his charisma and they don't actually hate being around each other like that made me so happy. their meeting makes no sense but that's okay the Shenanigans with the solid snake box and br'aad trying and failing to stealth was so fun and "nice forearms, and a nicer staff!" and the little weirdo gremlin goblin following them around they're all very scared of and creeped out by (except for br'aad. he is strongly sexually attracted to goblins. this is canon and brought up over and over again) all make up for it. the story really doesn't matter to me here at all ^_^ all i care about are the characters being happy and traveling together and that's what makes the campaign enjoyable for me
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#we have mail :]#if this makes no sense sorry its 2:30 am#cayden's dms are getting the brunt of my liveblogs otherwise inwould just be transcribing whole episodes on here#every time a character talks my ears perk up like a dog and i get excited. i feeeeeel the fixation forming#why cant i stay hyperfixated on good campaigns and media man why is it always shit that ended a long time ago#and sucks soooososo bad#as im writing this im finishing episode 2 so ill take a break for the night i think then start again tomorrow morning ^_^#WHICH I AM SETTING AN ALARM FOR SO I WAKE UP AT A NORMAL HOUR. I FORGOT TO DO THAT THIS MORNING LMAO#anyway thank you for letting me just Talk because this fucking campaign has me FUCKEDDDD UP#i love them so much... i am deeply invested in br'aaxi and i Get It Now#currently taxi has a whole girlfriend but its okay shes said like 2 lines and thats it because again. Never passing the bechdel test#wait okay episode 3 started they are doing a real and proper intro where they explain what characters they play#for the First Time#this is so cool woag
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WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE FROM CALIFORNIA
#uhh more venty shit down in the tags#likee tw for csa or grooming or whatever idk#like uhh my bf (a complicated topic) is from california#and uhh yeah basically i have an ex gf that i broke up with bc I'm a shitty person#and i cheated on her with predators multiple times ykyk#and a) wanted to avoid guilt b) obviously staying with her was wrong c) she's a really good person and i wanted to feel worse so ykyk#and uhh we're still close friends#she really should hate me bc stuff but oh well that's a vent for another day#and yeahh a while back when she came over and we started talking mental health shit#and i impulsively was like “hey how about we troll this bloke that has been trying to get back in contact with me?”#uhh he's like 38 or something and uhhh we sexted for like a day .#while i was dating my current boyfriend.#wow i really am a shitty person#and then yeah we had been texting a little for like the previous 3 days#so me and ex gf kinda went along with whatever he was saying#until he called and realised there was 2 off us and blocked me#ANYHOW YEAH HE WAS FROM CALIFORNIA#and after that event i randomly started feeling intense hate for ex gf every once in a while???#I'm not exactly sure why but oh well that did happen#and anyhow yeah a few months ago#like just before i broke up with her i think#she recommended the song dogbird by madds buckley#i nearly cried when i listened to it lmao it's far too real#i really recommend it#but yeah i was already like pushing her away at that point and that song is basically about that#(also very sapphic)#and yahh this morning i was feeling Sad and i randomly remembered this song and i was like “damn that's on topic ima listen to it again”#it's even realer than i remembered lmao#and yeah guess where the girlfriend-that-was-pushed-away was mentioned to be from in that song?#FROM FUCKING CALIFORNIA
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#random personal stuff#personal whining feel free to ignore#am currently filled with spite and general I'll-Show-YOU-ness regarding a skill I never learned#it was implied recently that I do not know how to do this thing because of lack of interest#like I just woke up one morning and decided to be a burden on society#I KNOW perfectly well that knowing how to do this would give me greater independence#do you think I haven't been bearing the weight of this guilt most of my life#not learning was a situation beyond my control#long story weird upbringing unhelpful people lack of opportunity resultant anxiety etc.#anyway I've had it and I'd love to go out and prove that I'm not really worthless#...unfortunately I live in a small town where there's no place for someone like me to learn#because the system assumes that you are a teenager and your parents or school will teach you#or else (I suppose) that knowledge of this thing is written on every adult's heart already#so yeah...this is also a lot of why I never learned#(excuse me while I get angry for a moment)#I hate this. I hate the system. I hate living in a small town with extremely limited resources.#I hate whatever motivated the people who should have been helping me not to give me the opportunity and resources to learn.#(rant over sorry)#anyway I will eventually figure this out#but in the meantime it is Frustrating
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
how did I end up figuring out the entire plot arc for WIPV??? That's the WIP I had worked the least on?! Not only do I have a whole ass plot I have also figured out the whole SEQUEL???????
How did this go from my furthest behind WIP to among my furthest ahead in the space of like 1.5 hours?????? what
#goddamn you hyperfocus#wipv#we shall see though#no guarantees I am still going to be happy with this plot come morning#I may decide it doesn't sit right with where I want to take this story (i.e. isn't funny enough)#but only sleep and fresh eyes will tell#something something terry pratchet meets the fantasy royalty trope meets my current government job#and that's the premise
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#i am at my fucking limit lol#i need to leave this fucking town and this fucking state the very second i can nail down both a car and a remote job#the fucking ''''affordable'''' housing company i rent from has once again opted to start harassing us#and we're once again gonna have to be in a fucking fight with landlords who think that we're making too much money to live in a $1200 apt#and want us to pay $2000 a month for this rathole we live in despite taxes and deductions literally absorbing a quarter of our earnings#so they want to absorb half of what we have left when ive yet to be able to even afford a car that isn't a fucking beater destined for scrap#at least not without using p much all of my current life savings in the process#so we have to instead get around by buses that refuse to actually show up take us on huge detours for no reason have lead feet that-#-exacerbate my chronic pain and - oh! how could i forget? is also horrifically mismanaged to the point where they're now canceling entire-#-bus routes including the one i take to work and ALSO GOES TO THE AIRPORT lol#and nothing will fucking change about the highway robbery rent hikes bc the entire state legislature is filled with and bought by-#-landlords NIMBYs and property management firms.#that's not even getting into the fact that ive got too many traumatic memories too many enemies and not enough good things to show for it#the only thing I've got in this fucking town is my partner bc not even our home can be considered safe anymore.#i want to take them and the home we dream of and get the fuck out bc i can't keep doing this shit#and i can't even fucking talk to them about this bc they need me to be the strong one for once#im so tired. i feel like im in danger even though i know we'd be able to tank the hit to our finances. but i would like to escape.#i know of a city in ny where our $1200 rent is considered the norm. there's also so much more to do within reach that isn't just. drinking.#i wanna go there. i may have had a desire to live there since our vacation there this past March.#but for now im stuck here dreaming of the future and fighting off desperation and despair in the present#this breakdown brought to you by: the bus purposely avoiding my stop this morning after learning my landlord wants to ruin us again#vent
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being into a work that is ongoing is a really interesting experience especially when its something like a manga/comic which takes a Long time (what an insane art form im always thinking about this) im waiting for the water to boil for my pasta im so hungry for dinner. Ok well by the time im posting this i ate like 40 minutes ago maybe an hour im so tired of eating dinners that do not have a side dish
#its so funny 2~ years ago seeing some things start to build up for/during the current wha arc and be like well id say i feel as though there#are a few too many plot threads and characters trying to be balanced all at once right now but im still very excited to#see where this is going#and now seeing it in its current state like oh my ! and so the story goes ........#after such a high point that volume 8 was. ahh !#very general ramblings oh my i just remembered the other night i fell alseep after going on a wha writing dissection ramble/ ''rant''#i Love to talk . dont be my roommate i love to talk. i think fondly of falling asleep after digimon rambles#and one time that i woke up and the first thing i said that morning was something about the last unicorn#and my sibling was like ''you wake up and just think of these things ?!'' its My fun#how unique. a guy who thinks about the fiction he consumes. how groundbreaking#i am genuinely curious how anyhting will happen after this arc. so many strange and poor and fascinating choices ....#probably delete later i get self conscious about of the moment loose rambles online
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my sister changed her profile pic from some pro-cop bs to trump 2024
she's got FAS and is very much a parrot (she copies what she hears around her. i.e being shit to my mom bc my dad is. he's been the biggest influence the last year as they were kinda stuck in the same room together) unintentionally so i know it's most likely that spending time around my dad when he watches the news is the culprit-
but that doesn't make me feel less angry and lowkey betrayed by it
and i can't say anything about it
#i am one of two (2) democrats in my immediate family#it was three (3) but my uncle passed a few years ago#i'm not sure where my little brother stands now but i do know he has voted republican before#bc he cried to my mom that everyone on his floor at college was hating on him and being mean and stuff#which is understandable of them. my literal brother in christ you are a black man#but i know my family can be an influence on him at times so idk if he was just voting how he was told to or what and he might have a#different / better stance now. but my other brothers (eldest aside) and my sister are just Like That#my parents too. my mom isn't stuck by political party - she's voted dem in the past - but idk where the fuck she stands currently#that's gonna be the biggest and most painful betrayal if she goes rep this year. i cant even pretend it won't be#why am i awake at 5:45 AM thinking about this?? s top#i had to cancel my doctors app. for this morning bc i can already tell it's probably gonna be a Day for my brain and i need to save my#mental effort for getting to and through work tonight#and i don't feel great#as if i needed more problems#maison speaks
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rewriting my cringefail first act which had many scenes that were much more like my summaries in act 2 than actually fully written scenes
#currently i am revising the last scene that has this issue but it is 5 am and i think i will save the rest for tomorrow#i set the tone and fixed up the premise but... it's the scene where jessie commits her first murder and it's a random guy targeting#her at night#despite the fact that i've met my fair share of aggressive weirdos at night they are very difficult to write because there just is no way#to write them to sound Normal. they are not normal people and normal people don't say or do these things#they Always sound kind of like a weird one-off saturday morning villain's henchman even in real life#i think i'll have better luck writing the rest after some sleep
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last night at about 7 pm I was pretty tired, and told my wife goodnight and that I would probably be up in about 12 hours
She, knowing how much I dislike to get up early, which for me is any time before 10 am, asked why I would get up so early
to which I responded, because by that point I would have slept for twelve hours
anyway I've been awake since 3
#original#which makes for about eight hours of sleep which isn't bad#I may desire a nap in the afternoon or perhaps even late morning#but currently it is almost eight and I am only just starting to feel a little drowsy again#I think I'll go eat a breakfast and see where things go from there
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okay facing consequences of my actions
#I thought I’d gotten away with it this time#okay it’s 3am and I may have discovered something that completely ruins me#everyone is asleep so I can’t tell if this is me being sleep deprived or not!#so I need to sleep now but I haven’t cleaned my code up or written my answers#I do Not have time#if I don’t sleep now I’m gonna be having a bad time tomorrow morning and I am significantly less productive rn than I could be#with other people around I kinda need that y#so I should go to bed. but also. this code needs cleaning. but also. even if I fall asleep now I’m only getting like 5 hours MAX#I need a good few hours tomorrow morning to have a shot at doing this properly#so it would be more useful to sleep now and wake up as early as possible than keep going tonight bc I’m not going to finish tonight#okay. fuck. I hate this#if I could think straight I’d be able to fix this easy which is probably a good reason to sleep#it’s just an annoying logical problem that I gotta follow through bc currently I’m stuck between three possibilities and there might be more#I have these two rasters and I gotta calculate the area overlap#the first method counts the number of presence points in each (probably) and then counts the number in overlap raster w manually set values#the second counts total predicted points and points where they’re predicted to be alone and does a calculation with that for each species#that one with all points from both species + pseudoabsence. vs method 3 which does that with just individual species coordinates#method 1&2 are now homologous now I JUST caught the logical error but method 3 is what he gave us#but actually he might have fucked up in not including pseudoabsence#i don’t know if method 3 works for two different species either honestly#it gives me results I like much more (my overlap is 100% for one of the species and that shoooouldnt rlly happen even if it’s possible) but#I think it might actually just be wrong because it can’t account for#wait so the line is taking the prediction for all coordinates for each species for each species’ initial coordinates. and not pseudoabsence#and that set of predictions for each species coordinate set is then taken and yeah it’s no longer comparable you can’t count each alone#not with two different species bc you need an overlapping dataset to do that OKAY I have solved that logical problem my initial method works#which is annoying bc the result sucks but whatever I checked the rasters and it’s actually identical so#okay now I’ve figured that out. twenty minutes later. sleep I think it’ll help most#luke.txt
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