#it's an ongoing struggle because of course I want to talk about this stuff I think about them every day

[canisalbus]

Just wanted to say I'm really happy that you have shared so much about your characters! I've been following you for a long while now, and I think I remember your post expressing worry about talking about your characters. After seeing all the love shown to them, it makes me happy that you decided to!

Aaa thank you for your kind words! ;-;

[22.7. Editing these here]

[raayllum]

this sequence lives in my head rent free

AAAAAAAAAA

why does the shot of callum's deep breathing linger for so long? why does rayla look so troubled? callum just did an incredible spell, and seemingly solved all their problems, so why is it all so unsettling?

specifically

this shot

ik this can't just be me. we the viewers are made to notice this scene

i think

uh

help

So there's a few things, I think:

Thus far in show, outside of Light Spell (which is physical) and Ghosting spell (which is emotional / metaphysical) there's been very few instances of like, Primal magic being dangerous/horrific. (Viren's killing of the guards when Aaravos is channelling it through him notwithstanding in 2x09, but that's also easy to get wires crossed on because it's Aaravos, y'know?). So Callum having primal magic send him to his knees and giving him a hard limit is new, particularly for him. (It is worth noting, of course, that primal magic - as far as we know - doesn't leave any longterm harm or in-body corruption the way dark magic does, though, which is arguably the biggest thing.)

The second is that it harkens back to Callum's primal stone - which he had to destroy - and the reflection motif with the mirror that was ongoing in early S4 for him in particular (which TDP tends to have characters have a reflection like that when they're making decisions or not liking what they're seeing, which we'll get to in a second). But like, the Primal Stone foreshadowing continues, my beloved, and it's nothing good.

Jack De Sena has also said that when voicing Callum (particularly S2 onwards) he pays a lot of attention to how and where Callum's breaths are placed while he talks or does stuff. (This is why I loved Callum's sharp inhales and shaky exhales whenever he was angsting over Rayla in early S4, and that his crying when he thinks he's lost her sounds far more like a panic attack than like, sobbing.) And in S5, Callum has steady breathing basically the whole way through... until this scene when he's taken on too much (not too little) and is struggling for a decent chunk to catch his breath. And also why when Callum starts panicking in 5x08 over Finnegrin threatening Rayla ("Just let her go") you hear it in his breathing first and foremost.

But that's all like, little technical stuff. What I think 5x07 does so well is set up everything that's going to come crashing down in a lot of ways in 5x08, specifically in Callum's steadiness (of identity) and specifically his confidence. When 5x07 opens up, he's getting terse with Nyx for dismissing his skills and prowess as a mage and his position as High Mage, and in his zealousness to prove it, he sends poor Sneezles into the water... because of his pride and the fact he wants that recognition (whereas Rayla, who was also diminished as a "junior assassin" doesn't say a word about it, because pride isn't on of her faults). But then, when Finnegrin starts to catch up with them, Callum remains optimistic that he'll be the one who makes a positive difference (nor is he necessarily wrong):

And Callum's burst of speed combined with Rayla's idea to hide ("He can't hurt us if he can't see us") seems to work. Until it doesn't, and his attitude starts to change because well, the stakes have changed.

And then we get what's probably one of my favourite lines in the season / favourite bits of foreshadowing.

You put them in irons. You put them in chains.

S: I don't get it. What happened? Rayla: He took their wind away.

This was a far more taxing, difficult spell to pull off, and one that took a lot out of Callum (not unlike how Viren and Claudia's uses of dark magic have made them collapse) so it's unsettling to see similar physical behaviours here as a consequence. And it's worth noting that after this scene, Callum doesn't come up with any other ideas. This was 2/2, he's done. And I think it really elevates the impending sense of desperation and fear (that is of course going to be cranked up next episode) as well as the comparative limits of primal magic in contrast to dark magic. Magic can't fix everything, and it's this choice (taking the winds out of the sails) that signals to Finnegrin next episode that Callum is a mage, and sets up all of the conflict that comes from it.

A primal spell that leads to a dark magic consequence (in more ways than one).

Callum starts out as optimistic and proud at the beginning of 5x07. The episode literally whittles him down as it goes on. In 5x08, he starts off okay but battered, but still confident in his worldview ("See? As long as we protect each other, as long as we love each other, you can never control us"). By the end of 5x08 that's all changed, because he's had to accept that it was too simplistic, that it wasn't true, that

His loved ones (specifically Rayla) were/are the key to controlling him, even when Finnegrin wasn't the one holding his chains anymore ("That deal is no longer on the table"). He couldn't control everything, but he could control his responses, and he made his choice. And it's not a reality he likes, but it's the one lives in and the one he chose to live in, and he had to accept it. No matter how bitter or dark.

[aihoshiino]

hey please do tell us about those ai hoshino crossover ships please i too want to see my girl happy and well and loved and doted on please

i need you to know that I've been holding onto this (& another related ask) as the motivation to power through the Oshi no Anons that were sitting in my inbox and I am so incredibly delighted to finally get to answer it lol. Before I turn off my cringe inhibitors tho I thought it would be fun to talk about my Ai romance headcanons and what I like in an Ai ship because lbr when am I ever really gonna get an opportunity to ramble about that again with the way this manga is going……….

Anyway! Ai, as I write her, primarily gravitates towards being attracted to men mostly just as a result of being socialized in a cisheteronormative society but I certainly don't read her as straight! That said, I also hesitate to label her and I don't think she would be able to put a label on herself either, for a whole lot of reasons! But from my perspective as a writer, this is primarily because what Ai looks for in other people, above and beyond anything else, is acceptance. She says herself in 45510;

"I want [people] to know about the dirty parts, my rough edges, and all the rest, and I want them to say that it’s okay. That they accept me."

Ai is a character so utterly starved of love that I think gender is kind of secondary to the purehearted desire to have someone just... accept her and be kind to her. I think if a person came along and gave her that wholehearted acceptance even after seeing her at her dirtiest most unpolished self, gender would be in no way a barrier to that relationship. In fact, my original read of the HKAI relationship was that Ai threw herself into romance with him specifically because Hikaru had the potential to be that person for her but it sadly just didn't work out… or at least, Ai felt like it didn't work out.

Anyway, that acceptance is pretty foundational to any kind of Ai ship I like to write, but I've found that it's important for that acceptance to be... I guess the word would be informed and it can't come from a person who is just uncomplicatedly, unconditionally accepting of everyone. Ai does not see herself as a 'good' person, so if faced with someone who is (or someone she perceives as such) I think she would struggle a lot with feeling 'safe' in opening up to them and letting them see her true self. Ai's salvation can't ever come from somebody telling her she isn't bad, dirty, impure and all the other awful things she thinks about herself because she will never feel any sense of security that she won't be rejected if that ever changes. Love, for Ai, is a person seeing her most wretched and unacceptable self, her self hate and avoidance and everything about her she thinks is filthy and wrong, and actively choosing to accept her as she is, warts and all.

Related to that, I also really enjoy writing ships for Ai from an angle of like… reclamation of her body & her sexuality. I've talked about this too many times to count in my metas but there's this very strong underlying current in Ai's arc of self-directed shame and self-hate in relation to her sexuality that fuels perception of herself as 'dirty' and 'impure' - all because she is a person who wants and enjoys sex. I really enjoy getting to have Ai work through that specific hangup with a partner who loves her - not from the angle of 'of course you're not dirty' but 'even if you are, I want you anyway'.

I guess what it ultimately comes down to is that any important relationship I would want to write for Ai (romantic or otherwise) would need to center humanization for Ai. So much of her arc in the series, even posthumously, is about her screaming for anybody to recognize her as a human being and the ongoing tragedy of OnK is just how many people not just fail but actively refuse to do so even when it's right in front of their eyes.

Anyway, that's all the Deep, Thematic Stuff (tm) out of the way so for a shotgun round let's go for pure vibes and dynamics I like!!

Iirc I've said this before but a couple's moment to moment chemistry is really important to me when it comes to getting invested in a ship and the stronger of a rapport they have, the more I will go crazy for it. If they can't banter back and forth and relentlessly tease each other, I don't wanna hear about it!!!

This goes triple for Ai because I think her slightly cheeky sense of humor coming out when she's comfortable with someone is soooo cute... having a partner she can banter with while they pick on each other is peak to me.

I think I did lay down a more concrete Thing of dynamics I like for her somewhere, so let's see if I can dig that out...

Ai works well as the lighter, cheerier contrast in a good cheery loves grumpy/silly loves serious dynamic but with the fun oh you're a little bit fucked up actually undercurrent. I particularly like comfy, domestic dynamics (since Ai describes herself as having longed for a family her whole life) but I'm also really into slightly darker takes on this, with Ai's desire for love and companionship leading her into relationships with characters who have obsessive/possessive/yan streaks. I also love playing her against characters who also have facades/fake personas up or who otherwise do a whole lot of lying.

That last point is the one I think really Cooks My Brain over and above any other LOL. Characters who have really strong parallels with/similarities to Ai are like catnip for me. The central rapport and dynamic can vary up a lot but if the hook comes down to "characters who hate themselves encounter a person just like them and through falling in love, the two of them are able to accept & forgive each other and themselves" I will be insane about it until the end of time.

That was A LOT!!! of rambling and this post is getting very long huh…. I didn't even start on the actual part you asked lskfksks. I'll put the rest behind a cut partially because this post is log but mostly because I am a little embarrassed so you guys have to be niceys to me or I'll collapse into dust and particles.

now we're behind the cut I'M NOT TRAPPED IN HERE WITH YOU, YOU'RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH ME!!!!!!

Most of my Ai ships are stuff I've written with friends where we've just kind of thrown characters we already were writing together and a ship happened… tho one of them is an example where I was like "I want to put these characters specifically in a salad spinner and see what happens" and then as it turns out, I was the one who got salad spun…

I think the two big ones that really cooked my brain are Ai with Rinne Amagi from the Ensemble Stars series and then Oberon from Fate/Grand Order. Both of them kind of hit that Brain Cooking Premise for me of being characters who are fundamentally the same type of person as Ai and how those similarities make them clash and conflict and cohere is suuuuuuuch a juicy premise for me to sink my teeth into.

For Ai & Rinne specifically I also will say they just had the baseline important Extremely Good Chemistry And Rapport as me and my friend were writing them… so not only was the juicy emotional stuff really good, they were just relentlessly teasing each other at all times and it was very cute. They also have a HUUUUUUGE difference in height & overall body size - Rinne is pretty tall and muscular and we all know how tiny and dainty Ai is that contrast is like, the ultimate form of moe to me……………… I actually am not really familiar with EnStars outside of just, osmosis of writing against my friends Rinne, so they were such a nice surprise and they are currently cooking my brain <3

Ai & Oberon are a bit different where that was like - because I'm also a huge FGO fan, I was super familiar with Oberon as a character and came out of his story chapter like. oh i NEED to write ai against this mfer. I don't wanna go toooooooooo into the specifics to not just dash LB6 spoilers everywhere but these two are a case where 'they are the same person' is VERY bad for Ai <3 This is definitely one of those ships I talked about where I think her desperation to be accepted can lead her into codependent and unhealthy dynamics and it's sooooooooo fucking good. Their issues and the things they want feed into each other so perfectly, it's one of those surprise crosscanon dynamics where like, I joked to a friend the other day that if this was an actual canon dynamic, I would probably find it a bit heavy handed LMFAO. But the beauty of it being a cross canon dynamic is that every time you find another parallel to mine, it's just fun and rewarding. I was also really shocked as we went through 15 Year Lie in OnK, because it kept paralleling and repeating some really eerily similar beats me & a friend had written between Ai and Oberon but between Ai and Hikaru... truly I felt like I was being pelted by the dodgeball of prophecy...

(Also, sidebar to fellow Grand Order Fuck Freaks: can you believe i was getting my brain juiced by the concept of ai and oberon and specifically ai as titania for like a whole year and then completely fucking forgot until i started rereading lb6 this week that not only is titania referred to with all the same star imagery as ai is in lb6 but she is talked about with the exact same language everyone talks about ai in oshi no ko. can somebody please help me)

Some other ships for Ai I've played and really enjoyed off the top of my head… Shou Tenkuubashi from Tokyo Aliens was like, the first character I bounced her off in a shippy capacity and I am still sooooooo deeply unwell about them. They're actually kind of unique from all my Ai ships because all the others are usually an adult Ai, but with Shou I write teen Ai. They hit on those 'fundamental similarities' I talked about where they're both abused, dehumanized kids who hate their bodies but are able to accept themselves by being accepted by someone else first……………… it's so juicy.

My friend Isa and I have also lightly cooked up a P5 AU for the purposes of playing Ai & Goro Akechi LOL. We haven't done a ton with it in practice just yet but we have a tooooooooooon of ideas and the dynamic we've chatted about them having is really fun. They actually also have a really similar energy to HKAI that predates 15YL lol, more in the specifics of "girl who is bad at articulating her emotions keeps accidentally destroying this fucked up boy w abandonment issues".

THERE'S LIKE A MILLION MORE…… I RP her so much that I end up with so many interesting platonic and romantic dynamics on my plate and I feel soooooooooo well fed as a result but I'll stop myself here otherwise I'll go on all day lol. SORRY THIS WAS SUCH A RAMBLE AND THAT IT TOOK SO LONG… I hope it itched your curiosity at least if nothing else

[brionysea]

i have a couple questions about manifestation theory and they're totally in good faith i'm genuinely curious /gen /srs

there's so much SA imagery around will's vanishing and the attack of the mindflayer. if mike is the one manifesting all of it, subconscious or not...isn't that a little fucked up?

and then shipping byler when mike is the root/creator of everything bad that's happened to will across the course of st? isn't that basically as bad as shipping will with vecna? since vecna is a manifestation of mike's subconscious?

and then the lab...having mike manifest el and through that all the trauma and abuse that surrounds that (not to mention everything that was done to henry before he became vecna) is massively messed up.

i get mike not feeling heard and dealing with trauma of his own but wouldn't this make him the villain in st? since he's the root of it?

again these are 100% good faith questions i really want to hear your thoughts on it.

hi! thanks for the clarification and for asking, i'm gonna try to be thorough on this (and also limit my rambling), because you've got really good questions and i want to answer them properly

get ready, this is a long one

the SA allegory

i totally get where you're coming from with this one. i watched that season 2 episode recently with this theory in mind (and the allegory in general, because it hadn't really registered with me before), and it was... uncomfortable. but the thing is that while mike created everything, he doesn't necessarily have control over everything. the whole show is kind of an ongoing power struggle. manifested characters like el, max and dustin have gone through their own process of breaking out of that authorial control, with max literally telling mike "she's not yours. she's her own person, fully capable of making her own decisions", while obviously projecting and talking about herself as well as el (because they unionised against him, which i find hilarious), and dustin had the extremely relevant "the party's not a dictatorship", with mike being the not-dictator in question as the party leader who dustin doesn't have to run his decisions by. mike does not have total control over the people he creates or the things they do, especially if they decide to rebel against god (him, their creator). which might be why the mind flayer became a thing at all, now that i think about it, since el "died" facing the demogorgon after she didn't listen to mike. i can see where he's coming from there because people make stupid decisions when they don't listen to him, but free will or whatever, so. that's a thing.

vecna is obviously different from them because he's an antagonist, not a protagonist, but he's also different because, instead of being vaguely frustrated by mike's very literal control issues and not fully knowing why, he seems to be aware of what mike's doing. he waited until mike was definitely leaving for california to make his move in season 4 because he knew, due to just how much influence mike has over what happens, that his evil plan wouldn't stand a chance if mike was in hawkins. it's impossible to know how far back vecna realised this, but i fully believe that he knew who mike was and what he was doing in season 2. he's most likely known for the whole show, because that just makes him a more interesting, dynamic, and calculated villain, which seems to be what they're going for. that makes his actions distinct and his own

in season 2, mike and vecna were both kind of... tied up in the mind flayer. in its base form, it seems to be representative of all mike's... angst, i suppose, which is where flaying as just wanting people to see his pain comes in. he was drowning and didn't have any other outlet so all this stuff just happened. and we saw vecna take control of the mind flayer in the upside down. they're both there. it's a fight for control. and i think that vecna can overpower mike's control at times, because while mike is insanely powerful by nature of everything being his doing, how much he's made, and how effortlessly he seems to have done it in comparison to all the limitations placed on other superpowered characters, he's still just a child who doesn't even know he's doing anything. he can't practice and hone that control if he doesn't know there's anything to perfect or fight off in the first place

what happened on the field could be interpeted as just a basic flaying, stemming from mike's frustration from reaching out to will specifically and not being heard, but that's not really the way it was handled. it's more likely vecna was doing that other allegorical stuff. considering mike was able to snap will out of his other flashbacks but wasn't able to on the field, i don't think it was him. his control severely lessened in that moment because he wasn't the one acting. if the mind flayer was acting as mike, and the mind flayer tells the flayed what to do, then mike should have been able to tell will to wake up or stop the shadow monster from hurting him, but he couldn't. will's possession in season 2 was a tug of war between vecna trying to take will away and mike trying to keep will present. will's kidnapping in season 1 was vecna trying to lure mike into the upside down, which was only stopped by el. will was stuck in the middle of a chess match

consent is a very big deal within will and mike's relationship. "i asked and you said yes" is literally the entire basis for their friendship. mike isn't personally, directly responsible for those things happening to will, because mike isn't an adult man who targets children and seems to get a certain... satisfaction out of it, if you know what i mean. mike is constantly fighting to keep will safe. mike didn't assault will. vecna did. mike is essentially creating characters that just happen to spring off the page (or out of his head, as it were), and maybe he puts a little bit of himself into them because that's just how writing and character creation works sometimes, but that's not really the point of mike making characters. the only one who i could see as meant to be him, in a literal sense, would probably be his player character during campaigns, and that is him because it's just the person he becomes when plot things start happening. someone who's brave and smart and protective and can also use an awesome sword, all his best qualities that shine through in the circumstances and otherwise get buried in ordinary life to the point where he loses all faith in himself, like he did in canon, once he's not allowed to play that role. he's telling a story, not an autobiography. the whole point is trying to escape the life that's slowly killing him from the inside out, if only temporarily, to give himself a boost to get through another year (or, if he's in a really bad place like he was prior to season 4, another six-ish months)

vecna is enough of a headache that he definitely qualifies as one of the characters who's rebelling against god. i'm pretty sure that was the reasoning behind opening the mega-gate in hawkins — to at least start down the road of chipping away at mike's control so vecna won't be shackled to his whims anymore. that's definitely not something mike would want, especially since getting there involved killing max, who he fought tooth and nail to keep out of the party for the express purpose of keeping her safe and away from the upside down (away from himself, more specifically), so i'd say vecna is pretty definitively capable of chasing his own, individual goals that don't align with mike's. he manipulated something that is representative of the horrors of mike's subconscious (the curse, which would be an excuse for mike to go into his own mind and defeat his depression in mortal combat — as well as probably consciously discovering his power in the first place by just walking into his subconscious — had he managed to stay in hawkins for season 4), to become something that works to his advantage. he easily could have done the same thing with the mind flayer and will's vanishing. because of this ability to find workarounds, everything vecna does is not necessarily reflective of mike. he's one of mike's characters, but mike's characters are also people because they're literally coming to life, and he fundamentally cannot control them. i apologise if i sound repetitive, i feel like i'm talking in circles, but you got me thinking with this one

i also find it very amusing that the universal inability of writers to control their own characters is a textual thing with this theory, like that's so funny

if mike is responsible for will's trauma, isn't shipping byler messed up?

let's be honest, mike could literally get away with murder in will's eyes. i'll circle back to this a little later because i know that's not really an answer, don't worry, but i think we need to keep will's selflessness and the understanding he extends to mike in mind here. bear with me as i play with the idea of will discovering this himself and wrestling with the question you posed: we saw will go from blaming mike with the incredibly brutal "you're destroying everything, and for what?" foreshadowing line in season 3, to seeing mike's pain in season 4 and bending over backwards to try and lessen it however he can, because he realised that he was previously looking at mike in an... i don't know, uncharitable, kind of insensitive way. blinded by his own issues, i guess, and being incredibly mean about it and not really a good friend. people talk a lot about mike being mean during the rain fight, which is the trap of being so heavily entrenched in will's perspective, but will was doing that too, and it shows through his actions that he recognises that himself

will has been through that journey already. going from seeing mike as a person who's bad and annoying and selfish and destroying everything to a person, his friend, who's in pain and needs help. a person he wants to help. will is in a place where he could look at mike's actions sympathetically without villainising him, especially because he already knows that mike's started to view himself in a very bad light, and will immediately jumped to reassure him that what he thinks isn't true or how will sees him (and will sees him plainly). will's feelings are really the only thing that matter here. our latest update on will's feelings is as follows: mike is good and inspiring and a leader and the heart, mike SAVED will, will needs mike, mike gives will the strength to keep living/fighting, will felt lost without mike, and will would fall apart if he lost mike for real. i can't see anything, and i mean anything, changing that. will tried to rip the band aid off. it didn't work. and mike needs that unwavering devotion and belief and forgiveness if he's going to face this part of himself and come out the other side

if mike manifested el's trauma, isn't that messed up?

this one's interesting, because it's kiiiiinda been touched on a little in canon, and if it doesn't come full circle in season 5 i'm gonna cry! so remember in season one, when el said she opened the gate and made all the horrible bad things happen, and she's sorry, and she's the monster, and mike said she's not the monster because she saved him and that she has nothing to apologise for? imagine that, but flipped, and with a little added deconstruction of the black and white morality at play, because el's slowly figuring out the real world as opposed to how fundamentally mike sees right and wrong. if el isn't to blame for letting the monsters out (and el canonically counts brenner as a monster now) because she's good and saves people, then mike isn't to blame for letting the monsters out either. that's the stance of the characters and the fandom. you can't have it both ways

what's essential to understand here is that el has been tuned in to what's going on with mike since day one, and she's still consistently been protecting mike and saving his life all over the place. she's a smart cookie, she knows that mike's death would stop all of these bad things from happening — if the brain dies, the body dies — but she still chooses to save him over and over and over again. el decided a long time ago to put mike's life first, because he's good and kind, because he helped her when she ran away from the lab, because he's her friend, and because she wants to help him too. she doesn't think he deserves punishment for this (whatever "this" entails). like will getting hurt because of mike's powers, el's feelings are ultimately the only thing that matter, and she's already made up her mind. if she decided that mike was bad because he made the lab, or because she just got Bad Vibes and suspected he would use his abilities to intentionally, maliciously hurt people, she would've thrown him into a wall or something the first night they met, and he would've cracked his skull open and died, and that's no more stranger things. instead, she's hiding him, protecting him, and never saying anything about any of this even when mike himself is floating ideas of killing the source and would clearly use the information el has to harm himself if he could. he would help her to punish him, in the most extreme way, if that's what she decided was necessary or deserved. he would do it himself. but el isn't allowing that to happen

el has canonically blamed someone for every terrible thing that's happened over the course of the show — to her friends, to her, to everyone who's been killed — including her backstory, and that was brenner. she called him the monster, called him out on everything, and vecna tried to tell her she was wrong when she totally wasn't. brenner knowingly chased disaster and used her and risked everything, while mike has no idea what he's doing and is always doing as much damage control as possible to try and stop those parts of himself from hurting anyone. he YELLED as much in season one, while simultaenously projecting onto and talking about el (kind of like max), that "she was just trying to keep us safe! she didn't mean to hurt you, it was an accident!" el reaching this realisation about brenner was a big deal, and it's so compelling that you can't help but believe every word. brenner is the one who abused el, not mike. all mike has done throughout the entire show is help el. he wants her to live a safe, happy life. he's tried to talk her out of feeling pressured to play the superhero role in favour of prioritising her own safety and survival. he's willing to give up pieces of himself to make her happy because he believes that el being with him in a certain way will give her that. mike has parallels to brenner, probably because of the iffy parental parallel you could draw since mike made el, but mike is not brenner, and mike has never hurt el like he did. el knows that mike has been creating things, that he very well could have created the lab, and she still chose to blame brenner for his own actions, because they are not mike's actions. el wrestled with this in the show. el blamed her abuse and trauma on brenner. to take away from that is an insult to her intelligence and autonomy. to take away from that is what vecna did when he was emotionally torturing her. el has already answered this question

but okay, this one's a bit mike-lite so far, so let's talk about him too. what is the lab to him? why did he create it? what does it represent? primarily, it's just el's backstory. will disappeared and mike needed someone with Finding People Powers, so el popped up with pre-packaged lore. because mike likes helping people and feeling useful, el spawns as a person with a Tragic Past who needs help and can make that feeling of being needed happen for him. that's the kind of selfishness he never allows himself to partake in consciously, but mike hates feeling useless, and his real life campaigns always function as ways to make him feel useful, so it tracks. he just made a character, and characters with sad backstories are always more interesting than happy ones, so el has a sad backstory. he's a writer. making it interesting is how writing works. and the first thing he does when he actually meets el is offer her sanctuary. he quickly makes an unspoken (spoken, by the end of season 1) promise that she'll never have to go back to the lab. he offers her a future, not just her past

if we look at mike as an emotional character, not just a functional one, and consider the strong possibility that most of the things he makes have some basis in a deeper part of his psyche, then what's the lab through that lens? it's a place where superpowered children can learn control. they're taught it in horrible, abusive ways, but they are taught it. mike's never had that. people who know, suspect, and/or figure out that he has powers at all, categorically refuse to even tell him about them. he doesn't have any guidance. he can't stop himself from hurting people. he's lost and totally on his own. so put together a mike who doesn't know how to control his powers, and a place that teaches children how to control their powers in cruel, punishing ways, and that sounds a lot like mike's own self hatred given physical form. because mike hates himself. he thinks that mike wheeler is inherently, fundamentally bad, as a human person. that's why he tries to become someone other than mike wheeler at every chance he gets, because in his eyes, anyone and everyone is better than mike wheeler. he constantly punishes himself, talks down on himself, calls himself stupid, makes himself lesser, internalises the constant messaging from his loved ones that no one cares about his feelings, splits himself into pieces for the sake of those very same people who he thinks are more important than him. this aspect of himself would be no exception. especially if his powers just made will disappear, like, yesterday, and mike subconsciously knows that, like he subconsciously knows everything, so why wouldn't he hate them? why wouldn't that bleed in when he made el and her backstory?

doesn't this make mike the villain?

yes. absolutely, without a doubt, yes. and if you ask me, that's the most compelling part

mike is a very... juvenile character, i guess is the best way to describe it. he sees things in a strictly binary way: good and bad. monsters and superheroes. his world operates under the moral logic of childish things like fairy tales and comic books. he would absolutely see himself as the villain. and when you have a character like that, one whose simplistic worldview is slowly being questioned and brought to the audience's attention, don't you want to see his beliefs be directly challenged? wouldn't a monumental shift in the reality of his world be fascinating to watch? realising that the world isn't black and white is a natural part of growing up. an arc like that would fit right into this coming of age story

under manifestation theory, mike is personally responsible for a lot of terrible things. he has a lot of blood on his hands. character reactions to a reveal like that wouldn't be pretty, sides would be taken, screaming matches would be had, but no one would hate him for it more than he hates himself. even though he couldn't help it, even though he tried to lessen the damage at every turn, even though he saved lives too when he used it to undo deaths like el's and hopper's, his mind would immediately jump to taking himself out of the picture to keep any more bad things from happening. and that's canon. mike's stance on anything to do with the upside down comes through in lines like "if we kill it, we kill everything it controls" and "that's like saying just because someone's from the death star, doesn't make them bad". he thinks they're better off dead. he's not going to change his mind on that just because it's him, especially not if he thinks it will protect people. and root cause or not, source or not, the other characters aren't going to let a teenager kill himself for them because of something he can't control. that's the wake up call. because he's still a child who's in pain. and if any of this sounds familiar, that's because mike already has tried to kill himself to prevent harm from coming to his friends, way back at the quarry with dustin. there's a precedent for this kind of behaviour from him

there's a lot of bad here, and it's hard to see past it at first, but there's a lot of good too. mike created el, isn't that a good thing? i think it's an amazing thing. i love el. and through el, we know that powers can be good. they can be fun. they can be something to mess around with and giggle over at sleepovers with your friends. they can be something that saves people. they can be something that saves you. they're just a tool, a thing, they can be anything their user wants them to be. they're not inherently good or bad on their own. they're not an automatic damnation or a moral judgement

mike is the bad guy, and mike is the hero who's been fighting since day one to keep his friends safe from himself. mike is a hurt child, and mike has lashed out and hurt people. mike doesn't have enough control, and mike has so much control that people start screaming matches over it. mike wheeler is a walking contradiction, and that doesn't fit neatly into his worldview. it's not simple at all. it's messy and complicated and difficult and it's something that everyone, both in the show and in the audience, would need to spend a significant amount of time wrapping their heads around, and i think it would be a fantastic way to wrap this thing up

this turned out insanely long, so i hope i answered your questions, anon. if not, or if i sparked some more for anyone, feel free to send any follow ups my way!

[cal-writes]

I FINALLY GOT AROUND TO CHECKING OUT THOSE WRITER ASKS, so excuse me, I'm going to disturb your schedule now with some things I want to ask. For 2023 review asks: 1, 3, 9, 23, 24, and 30 please. For the AO3 wrapped asks: 3, 5, 20, and 30, if you'd be so kind. Hope you are having an excellent time and lots of rest, Cal!

at least this time im at my computer and not on mobile so it will be infitely easier to reply! thank you <3

What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again?

writing present tense actually! my dear beta has been suggesting it for years bc i mostly wrote past tense (or both i would switch in the middle of a work constantly, sorry @vaguelyreferential) so i dont even know what made me do it one piece fic just had the vibes for it i guess

What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

i write best at night and unfortunately like it best to write on my laptop. unfortunately bc i got an ergonomic keyboard for reasons and with the laptop thats not really compatible (i can of course conntect it but i like the vibe of the laptop yknow) i think it might have something to do with my double monitor setup on my main computer which tends to distract me so. fun things about being creative with adhd

What fic meant the most to you to write?

woof. thats a tough one. i mean to a certain degree they all mean something to me yknow. or i wouldnt write them. but i think meaningful to me personally is probably Salt of Midgar its the first long ongoing fic ive done in a while and i really tried to be consistent with uploads and stuff and try to hone the whole "done is better than perfect" with it. i sadly lost the consisitency with putting out chapters with it but i am still very dedicated to finishing it and plan to do it next year.

also have to say one of my unfinished 00Q fics has a soft spot in my heart bc i met my beta through it and got back into writing in the first place bc of the james bond fandom. i have planned to "reboot it" of sorts aka rewrite and actually finish it (bc its so old at this point my style wouldnt really work with it anymore and i also have no idea where i was going). it got shelved bc i got swallowed up my one piece fandom but yknow

Share the final version of a sentence or paragraph you struggled with. What about it was challenging? Are you happy with how it turned out?

“You don’t have to have all the answers for him right now, you know that right?” Kazuha told him gently and he glanced up, feeling small and terrified at the gulf that was opening in his chest. She smiled and nudged their joined hands. “Just talk to him and tell him the truth. Left to your own devices you two just reach the worst conclusions possible.” She added teasingly and Heiji felt himself snort. She had them there. “Communication.” She stressed in a tone of voice Heiji was too familiar with from their time as a couple.  With a final squeeze, he extracted his hands and groaned, letting his head hang over the back of the chair. “Why do I have to be the mature one? Why can’t he come talk to me?” He whined.  “Because Shinichi is emotionally stunted and you are better at interpersonal relationships than him.” She said placatingly and Heiji gaped at her. He narrowed his eyes at her. Kazuha grinned as innocently as possible. Oh, she was goading him.

this whole conversation from the third chapter of One Trick Pony probably. i struggled with that whole chapter in general a whole lot. this conversation originally took place on the train before i scrapped that location change so to speak and had them stay in kazuha's place. what was difficult at the time with that chapter is how miserable the characters were and i got really into that headspace which kinda made writing hard. but im glad with how it turned out in the end!

What's something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story?

i think i have a lot of my "oho" moments when im not actively writing. such as kaito working for the friend of heijis mom. that was like a "yknow what would be funny" and then i implemented that and from that alone came The Simple Life of Kaito. otherwise my writing process is often just getting possessed by ideas and getting them out of my head the way they want it

What’s something that you want to write in 2024?

as said above i want to finish up Salt of Midgar which i think are 2-3 chapters by my last count.

i also had another one piece thing thats basically done that i need to polish up which is in universe and two other things that i might finish up ive been trucking away at those for a while. one is a sequel to laws eleven and the other is a new AU. also of course lucky charm. that reminds me i have to finish up the next chapter for that whoops

i'll post this now just so i dont lose it all but will reply to the other questions in a reblog!!

[near-seth-experience]

Personal vents, dont mind me. I'm really going through it, and tbh I just need to lay everything out on the table. I think it kinda helps me process/ look at the full picture.

Lately, I've been feeling like the people I call my friends don't really give a shit about me. Every time I try to vent in one of our discords, I feel like I get brushed off (kind of like that, "Oh no! Anyway..." meme, tbh), and it's been ongoing for a long time, so I've stopped bothering unless something really gets to me. Recently though I've made it known that I'm struggling pretty badly, ive gone radio-silent and have been isolating, and next to no effort has been made to check on me over the course of the past 2 weeks. The closest thing I have gotten in acknowledgment was a gif or two sent in consolation.

On top of that. Only one person remembered my birthday and sent a message (kind of a bummer considering I keep track of all of theirs and have given gifts to them all over the past two years). The amounts of times I check on them and support them is severely disproportionate to their reciprocation, and I'm really beginning to feel like I'd be better off alone.

a friend-of-a-friend who makes me uncomfortable for multiple reasons was brought into a shared space and now it feels I'm being replaced by them.

I've been unemployed for over a year,

I haven't been on antidepressants or my arthritis medication in over a year,

I can't get a full night's sleep, I struggle to stand up/sit down, and it's even been a challenge lately to pull off a shirt or step my second leg into a pair of pants. My mobility is the worst it's ever been.

My psoriasis is completely out of control, both in terms of surface area and levels of inflammation. I'm constantly scratching my patches and breaking skin, making myself bleed. Seriously, it's this bad:

a collections agency is apparently on my ass now trying to get $4k out of me because last year my specialty pharmacy apparently didn't get paid properly for my arthritis medication through their copay assistance program.

I interviewed for a job on 5/1, was told they'd keep me updated two weeks later, and it's been a month since that, so I'm anxious that this job ghosted me, which really sucks because it's something that I could have done confidently and now I feel hopeless since there doesn't really seem like there's anything in my area that I am physically able to do. (I need an office job with next to no experience required, preferably not customer/public-facing)

My left foot has been swollen since March and my rheumatologist has been hoping that getting me back on the arthritis medication would resolve the issue, but the state's shitty Medicaid isn't wanting to cover it, and the medication manufacturer's support program wants to know info about my family's income to determine my eligibility (but I'm 30... they don't need my family's pay-stubs. Fuck that) so I gotta put my foot down and tell my doc that I'm at my wits end and he just needs to try getting me a different medication because at this rate I'm not gonna get any relief til 2025 at the earliest.

I'm stuck living with Trumpy parents who go to a culty church, and I feel as though I can't speak my mind or refuse their expectations while I'm freeloading under their roof and eating their food.

I made a happy pride tweet earlier in the month that talked about how and why I identify certain ways on a Twitter that's under one of my other anonymous handles away from family, and my sister stalked me, found it, and told me as much. (She's the least bigoted which is a silver lining but I don't share those personal details to family for a reason, so it felt like a huge breach or privacy, and i havent tweeted in two weeks because i dont know if i should block her, change the @, or remake the twitter all together. But it's tied to other stuff... so it's as if it's just... contaminated, i guess?)

I turned 30 and I'm still in the "years without relationship = years alive" crowd so this year's birthday was just another big wave of loneliness and feeling pathetic.

[metanarrates]

dumb question: could you elaborate on what you meant when you mentioned the character relationships regressing in princess tutu?

honestly, maybe "regressed" wasn't exactly the right word. the progression gained in s1 still exists - ahiru has gotten to know a bit more about rue and believes that rue is still somewhere in the kraehe persona, fakir no longer wishes to deny mytho his heart, and most critically, fakir and ahiru are now allies. none of those major developments have been set back.

however, literally all these relationships have flattened by virtue of the show simply not choosing to focus on them. rue appears to no longer feel ambivalent about princess tutu (which is sort of gestured at as being part of her retreat into the kraehe role/the raven's daughter, but there's no actual attention drawn to it.) we get next to nothing about how fakir feels about mytho other than "well we gotta get his heart to him and solve the raven's blood problem." I DO think fakir and ahiru have gotten closer, but their relationship is a rather straightforward friendship. it's still a little complex, but it lacks the drive and relative complexity of s1.

this would not be a problem if fakir/ahiru was a background dynamic to all the other ongoing dynamics, btw. they don't need to always be in a fraught ideological struggle. I think their dynamic is cute! but given that there's just very little complexity in any relationship in the show at this point, it does feel like a regression. ptutu has always been a kid's show, and so I never expected a crazy level of complex characterization, but there was a sense of forward momentum and struggle between clashing personalities and motives in s1 😭 compared to that, s2 has felt so empty.

well, except for one dynamic. and that's between rue and raven's blood mytho.

i will say straight up that this dynamic is WEIRD. not for any actual reason of the dynamic itself (in a vacuum it's a fascinating dynamic) but for the writing surrounding it. ive talked EXTENSIVELY about how much I hate the choice to make mytho be possessed by an Evil Self, and this is another extension of that. we know raven's blood mytho is just meant to disappear like a puff of smoke by the end of the plot. in essence, this undercuts literally any and all screentime he gets. we know that, because he is a plot obstacle, he is just not supposed to be taken seriously. his scenes with rue are meant to establish HER as a poor little meow meow, and not to establish him as a genuine character with motivations and feelings of his own.

and of course rue, come season 2, has been established as being pretty much entirely princess kraehe. her motive to possess mytho has been further fleshed out as being part of her backstory as an emotionally abused girl who wishes to free her father and gain a happy ending with mytho.

I do feel this comes out of nowhere and undercuts some earlier stuff with her character. however, it's not a horrible change. even if it's not what I wanted or liked about her, it DOES say stuff about her and lend texture to how she views mytho. however, some of this was unintentional by the writers. rather than being only tragic, she just seems pathetic and sad. I'm wishing for her to both break free of her father AND break free of her idealization of mytho. both her father and raven's blood mytho treat her like shit, and she doesn't care if regular mytho loves her so long as she can possess him. i want so badly for that mindset to go away for her, but from what I know, it doesn't.

all that aside, that brings us to the one dynamic relationship in s2 so far, and that's between rue and raven's blood mytho. as discussed, he is basically a new character. he doesn't feel like he is at all related to regular mytho, even inversely. the only other character he Could be related to is the raven, but given that he's not literally the raven possessing mytho's body, his characterization tells us very little about either character. so... not great for the idea of Existing dynamics progressing. they had to invent a new guy for rue to have character development with!

I do like it. they're mutually using each other, which is interesting. I like their little plotting sessions, and I like rue's continual wish that he will at least love her a little, even though she's mostly concerned with actual mytho rather than him. they feel like fun, toxic allies, and you get a great sense of how they view each other. they're both characterized quite interestingly in their moments together. their mutual ruthlessness is put on great display.

but well... we get a good sense of how rue feels about regular mytho. we know exactly what she sees in him. mytho himself? we don't get his viewpoint on hardly anything.

now, this is justifiable from a watsonian standpoint because of his heart situation. he isn't himself, and is spending most of his time fighting against his evil alter ego. but s1 mytho also had an incomplete heart, and we got a good sense of how he viewed other people! he went from unquestionably allowing fakir and rue to overrule him to asserting his own emotions against them. we see that he was drawn by princess tutu. it seemed like he liked fakir and ahiru at least somewhat. and even before he had his heart back, he still pretty obviously had interests and had his own viewpoint on fakir and rue.

now? nothing. we know he wishes to see tutu, isn't interested in rue's attempts to control him, and that he dislikes his raven's blood persona. that's it. we don't know how his views on anyone else have shifted. a lot has happened - it would be really natural for his perspectives on everyone to change! but we don't see evidence of it. the only time we see the Real Mytho is when he is desperately struggling against the raven's blood.

so yeah. theres just less dynamism between any of the four main characters. it's really not great.

[infernaleikon]

Hello ! I don’t know if you remember I am the person who was watching new girl during her exams ! Ok so we need to talk about the Indian wedding convention episode because it made me think of your au and what would happen with obikin ! I was imaging instead of a convention it was more like a couple retreat to bring couple closer and Anakin wanted to do that for him and padme (feeling guilty about his ongoing attraction with obi-wan). However padme can’t because of her job (for a campaign or something) and she tells him to go with Obi-wan because she doesn’t want to waste money and she thinks it’s funny. Obi-wan agrees because he doesn’t know how to say no but also and guiltily he wants to spend some time alone with Anakin. Obviously there was only one bed. And like in the wedding convention épisode they do activities that show how compatible with each other they are (and it can make a good parallel with the « they were the two parts of the same warrior » thing). And when they come back they are closer than ever and maybe Padme realises something’s off. Or maybe they make out again and Anakin has to tell padme what is going on because he feels guilty (like Jess in new girl). However I don’t see them getting in awkward make out sessions like Jess and Nick once Anakin is single 😂 maybe they have angry sec though ? I don’t know…

Anyway I hope you’re well ! Please take your time and don’t feel guilty with not writing or finishing ongoing projects ! It remains a fun hobby and you will feel inspired when the time comes. In the time being I am reading your fics (again) because they are such a confort (i love the one where Obi-wan is cursed and can’t touch Anakin, the pining is excellent in this one). I might read your magicians fics, I used to love this show and loved Quentin and Elliott together… Unfortunately since season 4 was cancelled before it could end 🙃 we never had the chance to see where their relationship could go…

hi!! i do remember! how did your exams go?

and thank you so much for your kind words <3 and i'm very happy you enjoy my other fics 💕💕💕 i do struggle with creativity atm and it's really annoying when you actually want to write but that want doesn't translate into action for some reason. i hope i'll get around to it again soon because i miss it!

omg!! i promise the magicians fic are all actually happy ending. yes, such a tragic thing that the season 4 got cancelled before it ended lmao

and the new girl stuff is under the cut cos it got a bit longer skskksks

omg that is such a good idea tbh!! padmé would be like, "why don't you take obi-wan? you guys get along and he definitely needs some time off! go and have some fun" while there are sirens going off in anakin's head. obi-wan of course agrees because, well, padmé is basically sanctioning this (the trip, not another make out, obi-wan has to remind himself), he could use some time off and having anakin keeping him company is a treat he can't say no regardless how much the rational part of his brain keeps telling him that this is a bad idea.

meanwhile neither padmé nor obi-wan know that anakin actually booked a romantic trip that he can't refund or change to something decidedly unromantic. and the thing is, anakin is resourceful, okay, he found out that if you tell these people that you're newlywed, they provide upgrades to these couples retreats, and he thinks padmé would've laughed about it, maybe it would've been a hilarious joke or he would've proposed, maybe maybe maybe. but he arrives with obi-wan who sort of looks like he's chewing on a whole lemon when they step into the room and it's covered with rose petals, there's cheap champagne in a cooler (mind you, this isn't an expensive retreat), strawberries, couples bathrobes and a bowl with condoms next to the bed.

anakin thinks it's the perfect atmosphere to have sex. and when he thinks that he realizes he isn't even thinking about padmé and he feels guilty but also not, and he really doesn't know what to make of it all.

neither of them offers to not sleep on the bed. but anakin notices that obi-wan is uneasy and a bit restless, and thinks it's because he doesn't want to share the bed with anakin and it irritates him because!! obi-wan could've just not come on this trip and anyway, he kissed anakin and then never did or said anything about it again, and--. so he snaps that obi-wan should stop fussing and just go to sleep. and obi-wan being obi-wan snorts at that brilliant idea but then quietly admits that he has trouble sleeping in new places, and this mattress broadcasts every little movement anakin does and jostles him which doesn't help.

and if you asked either obi-wan or anakin later, neither could tell you how exactly they ended up like this, but anakin ends up big-spooning obi-wan (to minimize the jostling through the mattress) (and to help obi-wan sleep) (supposedly) (they both don't get a lot of sleep) and it feels so good. obi-wan smells incredible, he's broad and firm under anakin's hands, so different from padmé, so wonderfully solid, and again anakin feels so guilty and at the same time not at all because being pressed up against obi-wan like this feels amazing.

they do all these compatibility challenges the next day and they do them so well, it's flows so smoothly, it's effortless, and everyone is so impressed by them, that perfectly in-sync couple, and anakin glows because this is all he ever wanted. but it's with obi-wan. and anakin is with padmé. and he wonders if these challenges would've been as easy with her but now he'll never know. he finds that he doesn't even really care because he's ecstatic that he managed them so well with obi-wan. who isn't his boyfriend.

anyway, it's probably a whole mess and obi-wan is losing his mind because apparently they're really compatible (which, he tells himself, is very stupid to think and latch onto because of some silly little party games but his massive crush on anakin is just running with it). and anakin keeps looking at him with big blue eyes and a dazzling smile, all happy and flushed, and it's so so hard not to kiss him again, kiss him stupid, kiss him until he forgets all about padmé and just stays with obi-wan.

[autism-disco]

(innocent completely question)

what are your opinions on classical music? For example, Mozart 😁?

ok so sadly i haven’t actually listened to that much mozart specifically or at least not consciously? his music is pretty good but sometimes the fact that he’s a child prodigy makes me feel rather insecure as is the case for all those fuckin five year olds playing concertos like what the hell man

to clarify before i get fully into this rant, i’m specifically talking about western classical music because i don’t think i know enough to talk about other areas of the world’s classical music, as incredible as it is. i love me an erhu, and i’ve studied indian classical music at school and it’s great, i just haven’t gotten round to listening to much of it in my own free time.

i think it’s quite hard to pin down my feelings on classical music specifically because i’m not all that good at differentiating between classical and romantic yknow? baroque is more obvious at least in terms of concertos (admittedly that’s the only type i’ve studied) because of the harpsichord but i really need to listen to more baroque stuff. and like any music genre, classical music is very broad but is always kind of condensed into just “classical” which i feel like doesn’t really do it justice? so take like idk, claire de lune by debussy (i know that one’s a romantic one shut up shut up) (romantic the type period for clarification) is a beautiful piece of music which is well renowned for that. it’s incredible, it’s heart wrenching and it’s just lovely. then on the contrary you have pieces like the miraculous mandarin by bartók which are somewhat unsettling in places but still magnificently composed. in any other scenario i don’t see how these pieces could be classed as the same genre but they still are.

it’s also difficult to define classical music because is it the style or is it the time period? people still write classical-style music in the modern day- take more modern composers like shostakovich, he’s an arguably classical composer who died in 1975! similar goes for bartók actually. and karl jenkins- benedictus from the armed man mass for peace is literally all you hear on classic fm!! but he’s still kickin!! also my guy john rutter

speaking of time periods, i think that it’s interesting that in a majority of kinda western music studies we just begin with like classical or baroque. at least at a more simple level, we don’t really look into renaissance music as much as i personally would like to. me and my brother have an ongoing joke about greensleeves which is such a famous piece of music but by time period definitions would not be classical. i think it’s also interesting to point out folk music here- some folk songs have existed for so long and are still played by folk bands to this day! i mean obviously the issue with music predating the baroque/classical era is that it wasn’t written down quite as much as far as i’m aware- especially for folk music, it’s very much an oral tradition.

another qualm i have with classical music is that it can be quite inaccessible to get into. if you’re not in a choir or don’t play in an orchestra it can be challenging to actually find classical music because there’s just so much of it! of course the radio can help with this- things like BBC radio 3 and classic fm can be a little repetitive in what they play but it’s good stuff. however, they both have much more chilled out classical music, which of course is fine, but if you’re wanting to explore beyond that which i think is where the appeal might lie for the average person, you can struggle a little. streaming services do provide good access to classical music, but honestly in my opinion it can be quite stressful and overwhelming to actually manage partly because half the names of pieces are just “opus 12 in d major” or something similar. i mean this of course stems from the fact that classical music wasn’t designed for streaming services obviously, and i’m not suggesting we like rename pieces or something like that i think that would be a bit silly. obviously another way to get into classical music is to go and watch concerts, but they’re not exactly affordable for many people which sucks. i want everyone to experience zadok live at least once in their lives (yes it’s for the coronation no i don’t like the monarchy however i do not care it’s incredible i actually sang zadok with like a whole accumulation of choirs and it actually changed me as a person!!) but it’s just unrealistic for so many people because of the prices.

to a very simplified extent, you can divide classical music into the different time periods (although see the issues above), and into if it’s orchestral or choral. of course many choral pieces are accompanied by an orchestra, but it’s at least some semblance of a dividing line.

although i do play an orchestral instrument in an orchestra (baritone the brass one), i haven’t actually performed that many classical orchestral pieces myself, save for like mozart’s “the magic flute” and such. choral music on the other hand. oh boy.

the first piece of classical music i remember doing would be fauré requiem i believe? it was either fauré or rutter i don’t fully remember. fauré requiem is very good, but at the time i didn’t really appreciate it because i was like 7 or 8 and i wanted to keep doing things like sheep sheep sheep or the amazon maurice and his educated rhodents play (it was incredible). listening back though i see why it’s so well renowned.

in case you didn’t know, a requiem is a mass for the dead, with the main phrase of any requiem “requiem eternam” translating to “grant them rest eternal” if i remember correctly. i think this is captured incredibly in mozart’s requiem, which is the most recent requiem that i’ve sang. the opening captures the mood very clearly, and we go on to get incredible pieces like rex tremendae and dies irae. and then of course, there’s the rightfully famous lacrimosa, which i urgently need to sing as a cathedral choir at some point.

a potentially(??) less well known classical piece that i’ve performed is stainer’s crucifixion. now i’m not a religious man. but the chorus from the throne of his cross is one of the most exciting pieces i’d sang at the time, especially early on and the “they shouted against me bit”. it’s like jd from heathers meant to be yours vibes and it’s jesus on the cross. the rest of it is pretty nice as well, a couple of the bits weren’t as engaging but also a lot of was soloists (who were very good by the way)

i’m slightly afraid this’ll be an unpopular opinion but i did hadyn’s creation a year or so ago now and honestly? i wasn’t a huge fan. the bits that weren’t the choruses just kind of dragged on a bit in places, i mean it is the entirety of genesis but yeah. the best bit was absolutely the despairing cursing rage attends their rapid fall/a new created world springs up at god’s command combo. although that top a(?) nearly killed me i’m so glad i don’t have to actually sing soprano anymore and can just do it occasionally for the silly. but yeah, i feel like i was disappointed from the beginning when the orchestral “chaos” was like the most orderly chaos properly. i wanted more dissonance to fill the cathedral, man!

i’ve done a couple of pieces from handel’s messiah, well specifically three, and they were pretty fun i guess? they were probably some of the most challenging pieces i’ve done in a while, the tenor line on hallelujah is so unnecessarily weird and difficult?? handel just hated tenors i think (based)

the most recent one that i’ve done if i recall correctly is one i mentioned earlier: karl jenkins’ armed man- a mass for peace. this is one of the ones i again didn’t perform all of- we did kyrie, sanctus, benedictus, and agnus dei. i really enjoyed them all honestly! the contrast between them really portrays the ideas of war and peace very well. we didn’t do the ending random english one, which i think is for the best because ending on the word peace (parcem) is a rather beautiful sentiment.

there are, of course, a lot of other pieces i enjoy that i haven’t performed, both choral and orchestral and piano which i realise now should sort of have its own category. i can’t name them all, the one that instantly comes to mind is liebesleid but that’s just thanks to your lie in april (which honestly was a pretty good way to discover some new pieces!). i’m working on compiling a playlist of them completely, so if anyone is interested in that i can keep you posted.

i probably have more to say but it’s nearly been an hour and i really should sleep. if you’ve gotten this far thank you for reading all of that or scrolling to the bottom of this post!

tldr; i enjoy classical music and mozart is pretty neat

[talkingwithghosts555]

A Conversation with Amy Winehouse

She has been channeled by so many people I didn’t know what would be different about this time but she seemed very willing to talk. I was listening to my play list at dinner and one of her songs came on and instead of hearing it from a speaker, I was hearing her sing it as if she was at my table. I didn’t think I would have time to channel her, but it was like time was carved out and even though I had to go and come back, it’s like it was just this ongoing talk with no pauses. Her energy was very easy to follow and pick up on. She was a little wistful and gave off this air of what if. What if people…yadda yadda. Some of her answers I wasn’t expecting. It seemed like she, sometimes, purposely hid herself away. Anyway, I appreciated her candor. She looked really healthy and alive. It was like she was fully healed…how could she not be, right? Here is my conversation with Amy Winehouse.

K: I have to say that I’m pretty confused.

A: Why?

K: Because you’ve been channeled and interviewed so many times since your death and I’m not completely sure that this is what you want to do again?

A: It’s always something that I like to do. I don’t think that my life as Amy was completely understood or…it was boiled down to one aspect of my life that just really stood out and life should never be boiled down to only one aspect of a person. I think that the questions that are always asked pertain to that darker image of me and I know you’ll probably ask that of me too but underneath all of that, was a brilliant light and it’s the light that’s more often ignored from a person when the dark or the shadow is very present or seen.

K: Well, I probably will get into things. I mean that’s what I do but you are right. I mean, a person’s demons are highlighted a lot. Is that what we’re supposed to learn from? People’s demons/struggles?

A: Of course, but to a point. It’s because in some way, I think people want to experience that through what another person went through, or they want the pity that they feel for the other person to be justified. But when looking at the shadows or the…struggle that people go through, all that stuff can’t be justified as an excuse for me to do what I did. I can’t justify all that sorrow into one reason why. There are lots of different reasons but because people’s focus is so drawn to only one or the other, it’s hard to see beyond that.

K: I think that’s the same with even humans watching humans or just facing our personal assumptions about another. It’s because we focus on just that one aspect of them that gives us an excuse to feel sorry for or to have pity for or gives us a reason to stay angry with. It’s that focus on that one behavior.

A: Exactly, the behavior so the person or what’s underneath all of that other crazy shit is ignored as people brainwash themselves into believing that it’s the behavior of a person that makes them. To an extent, of course, that’s true. It has to be but underneath all of that is a whole different side that the person, struggling, is. They are different than their struggles. I was different than my struggles but because my struggles were the focus, people, to this day, lost sight of who I was. I don’t even know if they ever knew who I was.

K: Did you?

A: Sometimes.

K: Did you lose sight of who you were through that behavior?

A: I did. I really, really did. I needed someone to say who I was and then I could be that.

K: So, you needed permission. But on the outside, or what people saw, you seemed to be this renegade.

A: I was influenced. My…people in my circle were very influential and as much as I knew what I was drawn to, I was also drawn to people who really seemed to know who they were and what they wanted. I wanted that courage too, but it wasn’t until I was in that inner circle that I knew what gave that courage to them.

K: Drugs and alcohol?

A: Yeah. I mean, when you first meet a person, you don’t know they’re an addict. And when you first party with them, you still don’t know. They just offer a good time, and one hit won’t make you an addict. At first, I liked that I could be like them. I could be focused and direct and brave and courageous and say what I needed to say and do what I needed to do with what and how I wanted. I thought that drugs or alcohol gave me this ability to just come out of my fears or my lack of confidence. I didn’t realize it was fake or it wasn’t real. I just thought all of that (substances) got rid of what I didn’t like about myself to uncover what I did like about myself. It was…opposite. It hid those special things about me or that I liked about me, deeper and sort of took over. Like, okay, so drugs are like the overbearing parent, right? And this kid…this little girl is just trying to be herself because she believes she’s pretty cool or she thinks she could be cool. But this overbearing parent has other ideas and to just make them shut up, this little girl acts that out until it just becomes a part of her, and you forget that little girl that had that individuality and life about her…she just gets buried in what that parent wants. That parent is the alcohol and drugs. It’s a different…personality.

K: Interesting way to look at it for sure.

A: And then you just get numb to it all and there are all these blurred lines.

K: What’s real and what’s not.

A: Yeah. And when you get a hint of what’s real, it doesn’t feel good enough anymore, so you keep that secret hidden away.

K: The true you.

A: The true me.

K: Did you ever know the true you?

A: Um…before it got crazy, I did. I think that even when I was a girl and tried to be just who I was, school or…people around just couldn’t understand. My dad really understood me. My Gran understood me. They encouraged me but sometimes I just thought they had to be encouraging because that was the job of family, the duty. I sort of convinced myself that they weren’t being truthful with me, so I started to branch out and try to find that truth about me from others. It was a really fucked up mentality because the ones that knew me best…I failed to listen to believing they had to be on my side. It was their obligation…I thought.

K: That’s so interesting to me that the ones that would be the most comforting or the most supportive… you believed it was only because they had to.

A: Yeah. Weird.

K: Very. But I get it. It’s just about validation from the people that don’t’ know you that sometimes we crave because it’s maybe new or we just want to be loved and accepted from something different than what we’ve known instead of what’s always been. New…whatever, people, places…whatever; it always seems better than what you already have and know.

A: Isn’t that, like, so confusing?

K: It is. I get it though. Did you feel like you needed to run away from something? Escape?

A: The more I look on it, the more I feel that I wasn’t necessarily looking for an escape. I think I was trying to run towards something. I was always looking for something to run to or chase. I was always chasing something. I like that better.

K: Do you feel you ever caught it or caught up to what that was?

A: In terms of career…it was never the career that I was chasing. It was always people. I chased people because I wanted to feel loved or wanted.

K: You’re showing me the ugly duckling.

A: It’s how I felt about myself for a long time. Whenever someone made me feel important or cool or whatever, I was attracted to that, and I’d follow. Whatever they were into was okay because they accepted me. I was beautiful then.

K: Your dark or your demons that you felt everyone was focused on…was that because of people or fame?

A: People made your fame, didn’t they?

K: But you chased?

A: It wasn’t the crowds that I wanted the love from. It was easy for me to perform because to me…the fans or the people that came to see me…I already had that mass approval. I had the love and approval from family. It was the one on one from strangers or new faces…introductions that I really needed to feel acceptance from. It wasn’t from a shy place. It was from a place of please love me or if I fuck this up, they won’t like me or they won’t love me or they won’t call me.

K: How many times did you look at your phone in a day?

A: If I was alone…all the time.

K: Anxious?

A: Yes.

K: I’ve talked a few addicts in spirit, and they all have this sort of theme of feeling alone or numb or just needing something to fill a hole of some sort. Is that the same for you? You talked about feeling the need to escape. Was it a combo of all these things?

A: Um…yeah. I mean all those things, but you know when someone’s really small and skinny and they wear baggy clothes to hide it because if you’re too thin, it’s something to be shameful of…but you aren’t’ doing it on purpose…just people, again, make a lot of assumptions.

K: Yes. I had a friend that just couldn’t put weight on and she was teased.

A: So that hiding under baggy clothes, thinking that it would make you appear larger or bigger than what you are…

K: Yes.

A: Those clothes were my substance abuse addictions. Who I was, was totally okay. That girl…that light under all of that…it was okay to be that but I felt shame, so I covered up.

K: Shame for?

A: I don’t know. I couldn’t pinpoint it. I really just felt different. I didn’t feel like I really fit in even though I really tried. But my try was always because of some sort of outside influence.

K: You’re showing me multiple personalities.

A: Yes.

K: But you didn’t have that as a diagnosis.

A: No. My multiple personalities were…because I was hanging out with this person, this is how I had to be and if I was with this person, then I had to be that. And if I was stoned or drunk…I was this.

K: Do you ever consider yourself the innovative voice or person that we considered you as, watching you or listening to you? Did you ever consider yourself this amazing original piece of wonderful that we all believed you to be?

A: Wow. Really? Wow.

K: Sure. I’m sure you know that now but when you lived?

A: I took a lot of that for granted. The big ocean of people…the group of 50…that wasn’t scary for me. When I did my thing, they were all a blur. I didn’t see out there (using her hands to push in an outward direction) because that group was so out of reach that I could be anything. It was when they got closer that I was very unsure of if I would be accepted.

K: I don’t believe you considered yourself a lighthouse then.

A: (smiles shyly) No. Too much responsibility.

K: Because you were saying earlier that people tend to disregard the light of someone but you shone that light when you performed. That’s why people considered you that innovator or that original in your vocals, looks…whatever it was.

A: Sure. I mean, when I didn’t have to try and attract was when I felt I could be me and only me.

K: This is very interesting because if I was to stand in front of a crowd and teach, I’d piss myself but the one on one is good.

A: I don’t think that’s true. I think you’d surprise yourself.

K: Hhhmmm…maybe. Let’s talk mental illness.

A: Okay.

K: Cause of addiction or a result of your addiction?

A: I think we can all be a little fucked up or crazy. But…because of how I felt, I needed to chase, or I needed to prove myself with people to become what they wanted me to be…it was a little of both. I think it just escalated as I got older, and I had to be this person or this performer or I had to be Amy Winehouse.

K: Do you think with the fame, it exasperated those feelings or assumptions that were already there?

A: Yes.

K: So, in your day to day, without that fame factor, it would have been different?

A: That sort of makes me sound like I’m blaming it a little, doesn’t it?

K: A little.

A: But how can I put all the blame on fame? Because I loved singing and music. That’s not fair of me and I can’t.

K: How do you feel about talking about cutting (self-harm)?

A: For me…it was an addiction. It was the same as injecting, smoking, drinking, inhaling. It was just another form of abuse but just with a different substance.

K: Wow. Thank you for that. Were you suicidal?

A: No. I was lost. I was misplaced but I wasn’t suicidal.

K: Did you ever consider death as the outcome?

A: Yes. I knew. It’s that little voice of reason that sort of just sits back there and chirps away. Annoying. (laughs a little)

K: Did the substances ever become…not fun anymore?

A: It was never fun. Escaping or chasing is never fun. It loses its thrill and that’s why you do more or try more…to get that thrill. Cigarette smokers know about that. It starts at one but then it’s 2 – 3 packs a day just to get that thrill.

K: Okay. Done with dark; the big cloaks. Let’s talk about your light.

All of a sudden, she just grows and vibrates joy.

K: Ultimately, under all of that. Putting all that shit to the side, did you love or even like who you were?

A: (smiles) I used to play a little game with myself, usually at night when no one could hear or see. I would just give myself a little hug and tell myself I was good…I was a good person. It’s because I still saw her. I still recognized her. She was all there. I loved that. It was really small for a while but sometimes it was how I would get to sleep. I’d give myself a little hug and tell myself I was good. It was all okay.

She’s singing This Little Light of Mine.

A: For some reason…even though the perception was that I had turned into a lost cause, I still noticed that little girl I was and hugged her. That was on a good day. We all are capable of recognizing what’s under everything that’s not going so well. I recognized that when I sang and when I wrote music. I recognized that. Near the end…it was harder to but I liked giving that light of me pep talks every now and then even if it wasn’t light I saw and just Amy.

She’s being very sweet with herself in the images she’s showing me. Like an older sister to a younger one.

K: I think that for a lot of people, you seemed to be a lost cause.

A: I did.

K: But you acknowledging your light as that part of you that sang and wrote…did that help because obviously it still existed for you.

A: It prolonged the inevitable.

K: When you say that, there was no veering off that path?

A: Once I made those choices to perform on that incredibly high level…that was the inevitable. Choice really played a part in my life. It does with everyone, but every choice was black or white with me. There was no gray. Either this would happen or that would happen.

K: When you connected with that light of you that couldn’t always shine…was that love? And were you able to show that light, eventually, to people in your life?

A: Yes. Of course. Yes. When I was off the drugs, I could express that easily. I liked to gather people around me and when I did that, people were a bit relieved because it seemed I would survive whatever I was putting myself though. When an addict or a depressed or unstable person shows that part of themselves that’s light because it’s never gone…it’s that hope. You said I was a lighthouse, and I was. When I was sober, I showed hope. It never became false hope because I would relapse or whatever. I was able to be me sober and when you’re you without the cover-up…it shows as truth, and it shows as real. It shows in smiles and looks and when I was just me and singing and connecting to music without the baggy clothes that were substances…I felt good and that shone out as good. It was just me and at those times, I never understood why I would think that I wasn’t good enough.

K: When you surrounded yourself with people that you authentically loved and who authentically loved you…why didn’t it stick?

A: (shrugs) It should’ve, I guess maybe because the chase was gone. I couldn’t say one way or the other. Eventually the need for the chase was stronger. New people, new faces, that need to be accepted was stronger and to do that was easier with the baggy clothes...to showcase myself as something that I really wasn’t.

K: The masks went back on.

A: In my heart and in my mind, I was always living in a mascaraed ball. Always. I…flirted with the cover without getting to know what was under all of that because under all of that…a disappointment.

K: I get it.

A: I wore a lot of masks. It was tiring.

K: Did people get upset?

A: Oh yes. Of course. Yeah.

Thinks a bit.

A: Yeah. I think people need to focus more on the light of someone.

Picks at her fingers.

A: I know it can be hard to do that, but it would just make things better.

K: What would that make better?

A: Because if people focused more on the light of someone, they would believe it’s real and it would grow. I think that if we looked at people, in general, with those eyes that saw everything that was good about them, that would make a person realize just how special and wanted they are. People don’t get the opportunity to feel special anymore. There’s always the critics or the comments or the…but if you could do this…people don’t recognize others by who they really are anymore. They always recognize them by who they aren’t or who they’re pretending to be or what they’re most insecure about. I don’t know if it would’ve made a difference for me. Maybe but…maybe I could be, or I could give that idea that…I don’t know. Recognize someone by their light without comparing it to something it should be according to someone else. It sounds par for the course a little bit. But it doesn’t happen as much as it should.

K: Do you feel people could see your light through your behaviors?

A: It depends on who was looking, to be honest. I felt a lot of people didn’t want to because if they saw mine, they had to see theirs because that’s just the natural state of …that relationship but they wouldn’t see mine because they were hiding from theirs as well.

K: Your marriage to Blake. I know it wasn’t the healthiest.

A: No.

K: Did he see your light?

A: If I let him. I think that we enabled each other to stay blind because that, to a certain extent, was easier.

K: Did you love him? Could you love him sober?

A: I did love him. I think that if we were both committed under different circumstances that we’d have five babies by now, but I loved who I thought he was or who I protected, what I believed he was, from other people.

K: Did other people not like him?

A: I think…well I know they blamed him a lot for what I had become. But that love for me from my family was a little bit blind because they didn’t see that I already was an addict or pretty messed up before that as well. I think Blake and I competed for each other’s attention a lot as well. It was the spiral or the drama that made us ignore health and keep that attention on what we were chasing including with each other. I think we could both be very elusive with our true feelings because feelings were…hidden. To feel, at that point, was overwhelming when you were used to hiding feeling or emotion under those addictions. Feelings, for an addict, are scary because they’re big. Addicts tend to feel to these really intense degrees that it’s hard to integrate and accept so a lot of the time…it’s easier to numb because numb keeps that state of normalcy where everything isn’t so manic.

K: Could you be manic?

A: I could. It was that example of that little girl and the overbearing parent that if faced with a charge or a complaint, that parent would defend that girl to the end because if that parent raised them, that kid could do no wrong. I’m sorry. I keep using these examples. I hope they are understood.

K: I understand them. It’s cool. I can see what you’re saying though.

A: Thank you.

K: Your image…was that all you? Did you enjoy the retro look? Retro slash biker chick slash…I don’t know…Vanity Fair?

A: (laughs) Yeah. It was cool and I could pull it off. I often thought of what it would be like to live back then. I mean, it was a style and an…era that brought me a lot of nostalgia. I clicked with it, and it was easy for me to bring that out of myself. When you just jive with something, it’s probably already with you in some way.

K: Would it have something to do with another life?

A: Yeah. Now I know that. I love being an entertainer and through every life I have been and will continue to do that. It’s a distinct river that sort of flows through what I lived and as Amy, that history was still very recent, so I felt, almost, as if I picked up where I left off.

K: You keep playing me that song, Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow. And Rehab but that one more. I hear you singing it as you wait for me to come back. It must have meant something to you.

A: It did. It spoke of insecurity and those what if you don’t really love me thoughts that I had and, in the song…it’s like this woman is ready to give everything but is her lover willing to give it in return or is it just a one-night thing to fulfill his needs? I loved with that. If I gave my all, my light…if it came to the point where I let myself be vulnerable enough to do that, would I only suffer heartbreak and for months that would be my every day. Would people on that one-to-one level, if I were to show my true colors, would that be enough for them and most times I didn’t believe it was. So that song summed up a lot of what I was too proud or shy to express.

K: I love it. I love the way you sing it because you sing it in a way that it’s a part of you somehow. It’s a vulnerable place to be in and if that’s a way that you could show that…I mean it’s pretty moving.

A: Thank you.

K: And I think that you’re very correct in saying how people only focus on what went wrong or how someone sabotaged themselves without stepping into that role and considering there were other factors other than fame or money or…those superficial things we like to blame because it’s easy to.

A: Those things did contribute of course. They made it easy to get my hands on what I needed…it was connection and while a lot of my connections were well intended, some weren’t, or with that fame factor, people around you didn’t feel they could be honest with me or say no to me because that would ruin their career or whatever. Status is used to an advantage…and to disadvantage as well.

K: Yeah. It’s almost like a shitty cycle.

A: Sometimes.

K: Who realized your talent? Was it your dad that sort of nurtured that?

A: Yes. It was always my choice though. It was easier to let others make decisions or push me towards something themselves than me actually doing that. I’m not saying I let people run over me but obviously I wasn’t the best decision maker.

K: Was your body failing you or was it your spirit that was failing you?

A: Um…I was failing me. Through my actions I was failing me and through all of that was the consequence or the outcome. The body takes direction from you. It has to but there comes a point where it can’t keep up.

K: You died of “alcohol poisoning” (finger quote).

A: It wasn’t just that one night that I drank too much and that was it. It’s just; I had been at it so hard and so long that…it was poisoned by a lot of stuff over time.

K: Was it expected?

A: I think it was more a fear that it would actually happen. Sort of that head in the sand thing. All the signs were there. I even knew that to some extent. I was told by my physicians, but I didn’t completely get how serious they were. It never occurred to me and people who are addicts can’t. They don’t want to. It’s just another topic to avoid; another thing to avoid because it’s another disappointment or let down.

K: Why, if you were aware of your light, did you choose to…as that soul, experience such contrast?

A: Fuck if I know but…yeah. I don’t know. Why does anyone choose these things? Maybe for the challenge? I don’t think I would ever admit to coming and living that life for the only purpose of being an addict. (thinks with her chin on her curled knuckles) I think I just wanted to experience how much I could still shine or show up while being at war with…all my insecurities or buried treasures. I always knew I was treasured. I gave that to myself when I felt whole enough to. I don’t think I wanted to explore recovery. I think I just wanted to explore contrast and how different those things could be while still living as one person.

K: I’m pretty sure you fulfilled that.

A: What anyone decides to believe about me as that, I held onto a lot that I kept hidden because ultimately, I didn’t feel safe enough to share. What I could share I did mostly through music.

K: Did you want people’s pity?

A: No. No one wants pity. That just says I don’t believe you can be any better. I didn’t want anyone’s pity, disappointment, exhaustion…all of that because people only focused on what was loudest about me and that was addiction. Only a few people saw my little light. That was hope. I loved to feel the hope people had for me because if hope comes form a good place, it equals encouragement.

K: That’s awesome. Thank you for that.

A: Thanks so much. It’s been cool. This has been cool.

K: I apologize if it was a little bit of a repeat.

Waves me away.

A: I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t feel like it would make a difference. Thanks for keeping things honest.

K: No problem. Thank you for yours. Did you have fun while it lasted? With the parts that connected you to that light?

A: I had a blast. I really…the good was really good. Again, that contrast.

K: Yes. I guess to maintain some sort of equilibrium…I guess we can only try.

A: That’s all we can do. Thanks, Kim.

K: Thanks Amy.

Blows me a kiss, winks and waves.

[patrolclaw]

ranting abt the wc "lemon" issue, tw for all the big bad stuff (zoo/pedo/rape/etc). i will be discussing this in detail, so please be aafe and don't read if this may trigger you.

i'm gonna preface this by saying that i know nothing will be done about this. i know ao3 in particular is a huge enabler for these kinds of people. this will never go away.

but i'm frustrated. sickened.

i remember being a kid and learing about fanfiction for the first time. and what did i find? something called "lemons". a lot of them. being that i was looking for warrior cats content (y'know, the books about CATS?) finding anything sexual is concerning. but it wasn't juat sexual. oh no, that would be too simple. not edgy and taboo enough.

i still remember some of them, more vividly than i would like. there was one about tigerclaw coercing cinderpaw, to spite fireheart, apparently. there was the brambleash hate-sex/borderline rape fic. the one where dustpelt comforted fernpaw after she was raped by darkstripe by... also raping her. the one where squirrelflight taught her underage daughter about sex by shoving her tail inside her. there were a number of those tail-sex fics. always an obsession with heat cycles. far too many about older cats "teaching" younger cats, or just straight up kittens, about mating.

this, of course, was not good for my developing mind. warrior cats was not the only culprit, but it's something i loved then and still do now. it's an issue i've seen ongoing for years. about 14 years, actually, though i'm sure it began just as soon as the series did. it's personal. it warped my perception as a child. it made me normalize these awful things, because surely it can't be that bad if people are writing these things, right? it hurt me.

i will also say that yes, you can explore "dark themes" respectfully and appropriately in media, even media like warriors. i read a really good oc fic once about a cat recovering after being raped by her clanmate. it focused on her recovery and inner turmoil. at the end, she has a loving network of friends and even a mate. when she decided to tell her mate about what she went through, as well as her doubting herself for giving away the kittens sired by her attacker, she is assured that no, she didn't deserve to hurt, and that she made the right choice. throughout the story, she suffered and struggled with her trauma. but never once was it sexualized. the incident even happens onscreen, but it was done without any of the gratuitous cat genital descriptions found in the countless other fics that include sexual violence. it can be done. but the people who talk about "dark themes" really just mean they want to write porn. that's the difference.

like i said before, i know this will never go away. truly, i do. but that doesn't mean i'll ever be okay with it.

this is an example of the kind of content i'm talking about. every time i go to ao3 to check if the fics i've been reading have updated, i'm greetes with things like this. every time. i'm sick of it.

unfortunately there is no resolution. that's all there is. i just really needed to get that off my chest. if you read all that, or even skimmed, thank you.

[echo-of-sounds]

chronic illness/physical disability

How Aizawa, Toshinori, and Fatgum would help and support their partner who's physically disabled/has a chronic illness.

I really wanted to write these because I see so few posts for readers with physical issues. It's always about mental issues. And like with my other headcanons, I can mostly only speak to my experiences. It'd be impossible for me to try to encompass every illness and physical disability as there are just way too many.

Warnings: a bunch of medical stuff and a little about past not-so-great relationships, but it's all rather vague

Aizawa Shouta

At the beginning of your relationship or before you started dating, Shouta didn’t think much about your physical and/or chronic illnesses. They’re a part of you, and like with all other parts of your life, he accepts it when he decides he wants to be in a relationship with you. He’ll also educate himself on whatever you’re dealing with, so he isn’t an ignorant boyfriend. 

He knows you don't need him to survive. You survived your life without him until this point. You don't need someone pestering you about meds. If you thought a heating pad would help, you'd get it or ask him to. He's there to help you when you need it, not be overly motherly. The times you do need help to get breakfast or to grab your afternoon meds, of course, he'll help, bringing you a light snack and ginger ale as well to get something in your stomach. (If he's home. He's busy and sadly isn't home most of the week.) 

He doesn't judge or demonize the number of medications you need. It doesn't mean you’re drug-seeking or make you some sort of nightmare to deal with. If anything, they help by limiting your pain, discomfort, anxiety, and other symptoms. He’s rather indifferent to those that vilify the use of meds, no matter the amount. Some people need them to survive. It’s a fact. 

One part he hates the most is how you think and talk about yourself. No, you're not useless. No, you're not a burden or shameful or disgusting, or unlovable. Simply existing with a mobility aid isn't taking up space. Needing help to fold the sheets isn't belittling. Asking for help isn't weak. Wearing pajamas for four days doesn't make you gross. You're struggling. You're sick. It doesn't matter what you get done in a day because you still have value by just being here. Yes, even the times you can't do things because of your disability. Caring, thought-out words do not come easy to him, but he certainly tries his hardest for you. 

Chronic illnesses and physical disabilities leave you with a rather complicated relationship with your body. You feel okayish on Monday, fine for the most part on Wednesday, then completely hate how it's unable to function on Friday. You glare at all the injection and laparoscopic scars. And cuddling doesn't help when you feel physically gross, body cramping, sweating, making sounds you don't want to hear, let alone your goddamn partner. It's just embarrassing.

But Shouta isn't needlessly judgemental. Some things are simply out of your control. Surgery scars, implanted ports, ostomies, and splints are all things that have improved your health or saved your life. None of them are bad or ugly, and he hates feeling you curl away from him during one of those bad days. He resists pulling you back and asks if you want to talk. He may not be the best at reciprocating the delicate conversation, but the warm hand holding your side lets you know he’s there to listen to all the fears and anxieties. 

While Sho’s spent some time in hospitals/at doctor’s appointments, they aren’t things he’s dealt with for prolonged periods for ongoing issues. Dealing with shitty doctors is a new experience for him. And it’s worse because it isn’t him dealing with it, it’s you. Getting a call from you at two on a Wednesday, crying your eyes out because of how little this ‘specialist’ cared about your problems and pain, ticks him off. He can’t just leave his work, but he tries to hurry home after, worried about how the third appointment like this’ll affect your mental health, possibly spiraling your depression further. 

A horrible side effect of dealing with chronic physical problems is how it causes and worsens mental health. You have to spend literally years listening to people claim the disabled are just collateral damage, not worth saving. Chronic exhaustion, like the name implies, is fucking exhausting to deal with. People don't understand it. They think it’s ‘just being tired’ when it’s neverending joint and muscle pain, bodily weakness, brain fog, confusion, and you physically cannot get out of bed for fear of collapsing in the hall. They throw out lame 'advice' of "Try working out!" or compare it to depression when they’re two completely separate issues. It wears you down after years and years, leaving you hopeless and suicidal on the worst days.

Shouta can relate to this a bit. While his tiredness comes from a mental health angle from the combo of two jobs, stress, and general insomnia, and while it isn't the same as chronic fatigue, he does understand the struggles. It's hard to function when everything inside you is just too fucking exhausted. And all the annoying, unsolicited advice about 'taking melatonin' or 'trying coffee' only makes you want to throw something at their face because 'no, a fucking massage won't help and your essential oils are more than useless.'

He quickly becomes an angry partner. Not towards you or in an abusive/negative way. It’s towards other people, possibly snapping at the nosy woman who asked why you need a wheelchair if you can technically walk or at the doctor who brushed off you fainting for the third day in a row as a period issue. It surprises him a little just how angry he can be at others over you. 

Before you do anything sexual together, Sho's gonna need to talk with you. He's naturally rather rough, and he doesn't want to risk hurting you with a position that'll subluxate your knee or make him penetrate too harshly. It’ll definitely take some exploring to find what’s best and pleasurable for both of you.

Though, that conversation can open up a can of worms he wasn't exactly expecting. Certain people just don’t understand how physical issues impact sex. Having one of those people as a past partner leaves lasting impressions. They made you feel bad when you couldn’t have sex for over a month, say it's unfair like you're punishing them, and act like their sexual satisfaction is more important than your physical and mental health. And when you are ready, it hurts, so you have to stop, making them mad all over again because "you should be able to push through the pain." Sho comforts you through the sensitive reminiscing, promising he’ll never be like that and that your comfort is always his priority. 

Sex can also be embarrassing. You have to stop because of sudden lower GI issues. Or he'll pull out to see thick, black discharge on him despite not being on your period. He tells you to stop with the apologies. They're unnecessary. Your body works differently, maybe wrong, but you don't need to apologize for needing to stop. Your health is more important. Besides, if he really needs to get off, he can just do it himself. It's not a big deal to him.

Yagi Toshinori

Toshinori’s disabled, missing organs, and deals with the same chronic pain and vomiting. He understands the struggles of physical health issues and how different and agonizing they are compared to mental health problems. And when his flared up, he had no one. He pushed through it no matter how badly his stomach hurt, no matter how nauseous or lightheaded or disgusting he felt, and no matter how much he dry-heaved in an alley till his ribs strained.

It's difficult to know how much to share about your symptoms, particularly at the beginning of the relationship. Share too much, you might scare them off by appearing like you're too much trouble to deal with. Share too little, you risk overexerting yourself by hiding symptoms, especially the 'uglier' ones. Thankfully, Toshi makes it pretty easy to talk to him about anything. He's kind, patient, and with his injuries, has his fair share of symptoms. Depending on yours and how open you're comfortable being, he'll understand if you slowly talk about it, symptom by symptom, as the relationship grows, or if you just want to flat-out say your diagnosis(es) to get it over with. 

Since he has to pay attention to his diet so, it's natural for him to also pay attention to his partner’s. It's not a judgmental thing. It's him making sure you've eaten recently and had enough water. When he cooks, he'll always place some aside for later for you. It can become nearly impossible to cook or prepare food during flair-ups, so if having casserole leftovers or finger sandwiches in the fridge helps get something nutritional into you, then he'll gladly do it.

One of his go-to ways to help is to offer to go for a walk. Who knows? After a long day of laying on the couch, some cool evening air might help. But he also knows not to push you too far. If you truly can't, then that's okay. If you can only make it to the end of the block or ten minutes, that's okay too. You tried. If you get outside and realize that it does help, he'll walk for another forty minutes if it's what you decide. 

He's great with doctor appointments! He's suffered through enough of them, and he's more than willing to accompany you to one. The only thing that'll throw a wrench in his experience is how some doctors ignore your problems, even if it causes you significant distress. It'd take a reminder that he's a Hero, and used to be the top Hero of the country. Of course, doctors took his issues seriously. For others, it can take numerous appointments to find one doctor to listen to you. And it's always worse if you weren't born a man, overweight by the slightest amount, and/or have mental health issues as doctors like brushing things off as anxiety or weight problems, or flat-out ignoring you if it's related to your uterus, not bothering to mark anything down or refer you for any tests. 

Toshi isn't above seeking out a highly-regarded doctor for you. He's seen his fair share of specialists and will ask around, maybe even pulling the "Yes, I'm All Might. Yes, they're my partner" to get you in faster. It's not about making you feel incapable, but more so about making sure you can get the proper care you need from someone willing to give it. He loves you and hates watching you suffer in any way. He won't stand for anyone ignoring or dismissing you. 

After sitting in the damn MRI machine for longer than you prepared for and dealing with all the anxiety while you wait for the follow-up, you're left looking at a picture of your brain littered with so many white matter abnormalities it looks like a fucking dalmatian, mirroring stroke patients brains. Then they tell you how infarct-like lesions increase your chances of a stroke and that migraines may cause structural changes in the brain, and you just shut down for the rest of the day, dissociating away from the scary words — they too many horrible possibilities in your future that you don't want to think about.

Then it gets worse because your illness(es) gets worse, or you're diagnosed with another thing that affects all your other things. You feel stuck in your own damn body, barely able to function even with handfuls of medications, becoming bedridden if you accidentally miss a dose or the pharmacy or insurance company messes up.

Toshi's dealt with those low odds, those shitty feelings, and the self-hatred. You feel like it's somehow your fault — like you're a moral failure. Maybe if you did something different, ate different foods, lived someplace else, took different vitamins, life would just be different. But you can't know the answer to that. You're here, and you have to deal with the problems. And he'll always do his best to support you. He can't take the pain away or fix whatever's wrong in your GI system, but he will always support you, pulling from his own experiences to help.

Occasionally, it feels impossible to feel good in any way. If you're struggling for a long while, Toshi offers sex as a means to help. It isn't a straightforward question. He’s a shade too timid for that. It’s him helping you wash up in the shower after spending three days stuck in bed. You can relax as he softly runs the soap over your body, carefully massaging your sides, your breasts, your clit among the suds. You're always able to say no, no reason necessary. He knows physical health impacts libido. But sometimes, getting those endorphins running is what’s needed to stop the pain. If you want to continue, he lays in bed with you, between your legs, softly sucking your clit till you find a calming release. Sometimes, it leads to more. Sometimes, it doesn't. He doesn't care much either way. He only hopes you'll get a bit of relief.

Penetrative sex can be uncomfortable, if not nearly impossible. You worry you're never going to experience painless sex and be able to enjoy the intimacy you want with the man you love. If you go to pelvic floor therapy or have exercises, he'd be happy and very willing to get involved. Yeah, it might be embarrassing the first few times, but his want to make sure sex is enjoyable for you overrides all that. He may even surprise you with a higher quality dilater set (something he'd easily drop three-hundred dollars for) or treat you to a loving and newly-learned pelvic floor massage, nearly making you cry because for once in your life, sex is fun and painless. 

Toyomitsu Taishiro

While Taishiro wouldn't call any of his physical issues an illness or disability per se (rather negative side effects from his quirk), he understands chronic pain and how badly one's body can just suck. His pain flares the most after expelling his stored energy, which leaves him weak, swollen, and exhausted. He also gets joint pain quite a bit, particularly in his hips and knees. His quirk allows his body to work in different ways, but that doesn't mean it's immune to the cracks, bone grinding, and bodily wear and tear. 

However, most don't know about that part of his life and quirk. He isn't open to the general public about that. As you get closer, he begins to share his struggles. It can come as a bit of relief knowing that the man you’re interested in also deals with physical issues, allowing for a deeper understanding and connection of each other’s problems and feelings. 

Tai also understands how shitty offhanded comments and generalizations people make are, especially if you're visibly disabled in the slightest of ways. If you’re breathing too hard, too pale, too slow, or too “fussy,” people feel the need to draw attention to it like it’s somehow inconveniencing or insulting them on a personal level. He received more than his fair share about his weight growing up. Though, for him, they've mostly stopped now that he's a fairly well-known Hero.

But again, that just shows how people won't complain about, mock, or chastise you/your disability if you're deemed useful and never complain about your symptoms. If you're not, then you're weak or not trying hard enough or lazy or a hindrance, or a moocher. They'd rather you be invisible than accommodate you in any way.

It's hard to internalize others' love when you know what you used to be: top-of-the-class honor student, taking four classes, able to juggle all the homework and essays while working a job on the side. But now? Now, you're stuck in bed. On a good day, you can take a shower, throw the clothes in the washer, and maybe get the dishes done before you collapse onto the bed again, timing when you get up for a snack and go to the bathroom with when your meds are due to make one trip.

Like Toshi, Tai does his best to support you. He can’t fathom the exact pain and disappointment you feel with everything going on, but he stays beside you the entire time. And he never judges the "gross" symptoms skin or GI issues cause or makes you hide your suffering for his comfort. If you're in pain, tell him. Just like you always do your best to help him after a fight or nightmare, he gets a warm bath going or heats your rice pack. Whatever your pain management is, he does it, laying down beside you for some cuddling. 

Since his professional life is far less busy than the other two, he has more off time, meaning he has much more time to spend with you. It’s perfect if doctor visits are difficult or intimidating. New doctors are always the worst. You worry if they'll take anything seriously. The horrible ones leave you hopeless, scared life will be uncomfortable, painful, and debilitating. The truly terrible ones can leave you suicidal, preferring to not even be here if the rest of your life is going to be this shitty. He may not be the most experienced in handling those low moments, but he tries. His priorities are making sure you're comfortable, preferably beside him or bundled in his lap, and seeing that you're safe as you ride out the upheaving, distressful feelings.

On the other hand, he's great support for any surgeries and procedures you need. Those thirty-one Botox shots to your head are scary? He's in the neurologist’s office with you, reminding you to breathe and relax your muscles. Need a colonoscopy/endoscopy to explore nearly your entire GI tract? Well, he won't be able to fast with you, but he can make you some delicious chicken broth to drink. Need yet another pelvic exam, or worse, an endometrial or cervical biopsy, and just hearing them describe the procedure is nearly enough to make you faint? Yeah, he's in the room with you, rubbing your arm, letting you squeeze his hand as hard as you need through the long needles, punching and pinching, and way-too-heavy pressure. 

A CT scan, two-hour-long MRI/MRA scans that make your head feel oddly, uncomfortably warm, transvaginal ultrasounds that hurt but you have to sit through, transesophageal echocardiogram, biopsies, spinal taps, the procedures go on. They’re difficult to deal with one by one, especially if your relationship with doctors is not the healthiest, but to deal with them all within a few months of each other is grueling, if not debilitating, to your mental health, let alone your physical.

Tai knows he can't go in with you during every procedure. Some have radiation exposure. Others need a sterile environment. But he will be right beside you when you wake up or come out, maybe surprising you with a cute, new stuffed bunny, and he'll treat you to some pancakes to help you regain yourself after. If it was a particularly taxing test, he's a little extra snuggly once home, which is exactly why he likes to take the day off in case you need extra loving after.

He loves adventurous dates: amusement parks, festivals, concerts, and fairs. It might take one or two for it to sink in how much they affect you, whether it be how hard it is for you to walk, needing places to rest, or how inaccessible they are, only having stairs and tight walkways to get around. He learns quickly. Whenever it's his turn to pick the place or if he wants to surprise you, he checks their reviews or scopes the place out to see if it's actually accessible. You deserve to have the same fun and experiences as others do. 

If your ability to have painless and/or enjoyable sex is compromised, penetrative sex simply may never be an option. He's big, and if using your fingers is borderline painful, then he won't risk penetration. He isn't upset. He's more so at a loss for making sure you both feel good together. It'll take some working out and trial and error. Oral, mutual masturbation, and you laying on your back while he slides in between your thighs, letting you stroke yourself as he does, are the easiest ways to enjoy each other. If you're having some pain-free days, he may try fingering you and maybe, maybe PIV penetration if you're really wanting it and confident in trying. He's slower and gentler than ever as he massages you, stretches you, licks you till he slides in. 

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

What’s yours is mine 1

Warnings: nonconsent and rape, allusions to abuse, stalking, possessiveness, pregnancy, and more tags to be added.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Pairing: dark!Ransom Drysdale x pregnant!Reader

Summary: After five years, your past is far behind you but just as you think you can live your happily ever after, your ex shows up at the worst moment.

Note: I couldn’t sleep and ended up writing this and it will not be a long ongoing series but it will be a few parts. But Roo you say that all the time. Yes, well, I’m trying and I’m sorry but I’m gonna try to not be the worst.

Hope you enjoy it. Thank you. Love you guys!

Please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

“Oh my god, is that really you?” the voice made you stand stalk straight.

You took a breath and forced a smile before you turned to the indomitable woman. You never expected to see Linda again, not after you broke up with her son almost five years ago. And there she was, as rigid and righteous as ever, her thin lips curved in a mocking grin.

“Linda,” you greeted her in a singsong and looked around the grocery store. You never went to the overpriced organic market but your local shop didn’t have dragonfruit and you had a painful craving, “how are you?”

“Darling, I’m just great,” she held an empty basket on her arm, an odd sight as you never expected her to do her own shopping, “oh, and look at you!” Before you knew it, her hand was on your stomach and you struggled not shy away, “how far are you?”

“Um,” you looked down at the large ring on her finger and resisted the urge to step away as you often did in this situation, “almost five months.”

“And married?” she grabbed your left hand and pretended to admire the small teardrop diamond, “gorgeous.”

“Mhmm,” you waited for you to release you and swayed in place, “you barely look a day older than the last time I saw you.”

“You’re well? You look well,” she primped her short hair at the compliment, “oh, a baby.” She reached out again and you sighed as she rubbed your stomach, “for luck.”

You tried not to frown and ended up laughing at the tension, “well, it was nice running into you.”

“Oh, you know, I barely come down here but we’re headed up to my father’s place, you remember, such a cozy house, and Joni is in charge of food and well, I wouldn’t trust her with a plastic spoon so of course, I have a back up plan.”

You nodded along with her awkwardly, frozen in the spot as the dragon fruit barely seemed worth the torture. Linda was hard to please and alway derisive, but for as long as you were with Ransom, she had taken a keen shine to you. That alone came with an edge but it was rarely used to cut you.

You forced another laugh, “that sounds fun, getting away from the city.”

“Ugh, just another family gathering,” she waved it off with her free hand, “I’ll have to tell Ransom I ran into you, if he even shows up.”

“Well, I don’t think--”

“He’s grown up so much,” she interrupted, “you wouldn’t believe it. He got his own imprint in my father’s company publishing true crime. He’s really making a place for himself now.”

“That’s great,” you tried not to falter at the mention of her son. You hadn’t ended on the greatest terms and your relationship had been tumultuous and regrettable.

“I hope you have a great weekend, Linda,” you said, “but I got to--”

“Oh, not at all, I’m keeping you,” she squeezed your arm, “God, he was such an idiot to let you go.”

You nodded and swallowed through your tight throat, “I’m glad he’s doing better for himself.”

“You too,” she trilled, “oh, before I let you go, darling, is it a boy?”

You blinked and your smile wavered, “how did you know?”

“I could always tell,” she said, “so precious.”

She gave your stomach one last pat and disappeared into the produce section. You blinked as you looked down at the scaled fruit in your right hand. Chocolate, you needed chocolate.

You were rattled as you waited in the express line and put your things on the belt. You hadn’t thought of Ransom in a very long time. Not much. His shadow followed you around in those moments when your heart raced and your head spun, but you had learned to work through those fits. No one else knew what happened behind closed doors, they only knew Ransom, not Hugh.

You paid and shoved your fruit and candy into a paper bag. You headed out into the misty spring air. The rain had finally stopped and left the streets slick and shining. The sun was hazy as it clung to the last of the clouds and you inhaled the wet scent of grass and gravel.

You let your key hang from the ignition as you took a moment to gather yourself. You stared at the modest ring on your finger and held your stomach and you swore you could still feel Linda’s bony hand there. 

You had a loving husband, Dez, and a son on the way. Ransom wasn’t a part of any of that and this was just a blip on radar, the aftershock of the storm that ended years before. You sniffed and turned the engine. You wouldn’t go back to that store, it was far too expensive and the clientele were certainly not of your ilk.

🍼

Dez was in the kitchen when you got home, the smell of steak and peppers rose from the frying pan. You kissed his cheek as he kept one hand on the spatula and you dropped your bag on the counter beside the stove. You went to the fridge and poured yourself a glass of water. You turned and leaned against the marble and drank deeply.

“So, hon, how was your day?” he asked as he put the spatula down and peeked in the bag, “hmm, odd pairing but I don’t hate it.”

“I had a craving,” you shrugged, “it was… okay,” you heaved, “what’s for dinner?”

“Steak fajitas,” he said, “I trimmed the fat for you and,” he turned and reached out to you, “and I got you some champagne… non-alcoholic, obviously.”

“You know it doesn’t have the same effects,” you kidded as you put your glass down and settled into his arms, “and well,” you looked down at your stomach, “we already got one drunken night growing.”

He laughed and bent to kiss you on the lips. He rocked you as the pan sizzled behind him. You closed your eyes and tensed as suddenly your head flashed with the memory of Ransom, of the way he’d kiss you, harder than Dez, and the way it always turned to more whether you wanted it or not.

“Hey,” Dez pulled back, “you okay?”

“Yeah,” you lied, “hormones.”

“Aw, hon, well I have the perfect dessert planned,” he purred.

“Oh yeah?”

“Mmhmm, strawberry massage oil,” he framed your face with his hand, “a nice long back rub…”

“Perfect,” you giggled, “why are you spoiling me?”

“Don’t I always?” he smirked.

“Hmm, rarely without reason,” you said.

“Well…” he voice trailed off and slowly he dropped his arms. He turned his back to you and grabbed the pan, stirring the contents with a shake, “I didn’t want you to miss me too bad.”

“Miss you?” you came forward and bent your arms over the counter, “where are you going?”

“Chicago, there’s some evidence down there we need to look at and they refuse to transfer it to our office so… bullshit confidentiality clause, but we need it.”

“How long?” your heart dropped.

“Well, I gotta leave in the morning but I told Gary I won’t stay longer than Monday.”

“And what did he say?”

“He laughed,” Dez shook his head, “I promise, I’ll do my best to be back as soon as I can--”

“No, I understand,” you said gloomily, “it’s just…” you cupped your chin and tapped your lips with your fingertips, “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” he said as he turned the burner off, “and this little guy,” he touched your stomach and you shivered as you remembered how Linda had done the same with her cold palm, “so, you choose a name yet?”

“Still not naming him Superman, babe,” you chided, “but no, I can’t make up my mind. God, it’s like my mind is in shambles, I can’t remember why I go in a room or even focus on one thing for more than two minutes before I’m distracted by what colour I want to paint the nursery and I can’t even decide on that because then I’m thinking about what kind of wood the crib should be--”

“It’s fine, you’re fine,” he assured as he opened the bag of tortillas, “you’re still there, you’re just… sharing a brain right now.”

“Wasn’t enough to go around in the first place,” you scoffed.

“Shh,” he arranged the plates carefully, like a five star restaurant, tortillas stacked, steak and veg together, a little dish of cheese, some sour cream, lettuce, salsa, all divvied out in a spectacular salsa you would only make a mess of.

“I thought the pregnancy would give me a chance to finish my book, but--”

“Well, you got maternity leave after that,” he said.

“From what? Sitting at my keyboard and crying? I’ll just be holding a baby and crying,” you sighed, “you said you’d take some time off.”

“I did say that and I will,” he grabbed the plates and nodded you out of the kitchen. He set the plates on the table and you sat as he went to grab two glasses and as many bottles. He poured you your spineless champagne and had a beer for himself, “I don’t want to miss anything.”

“You can’t take forever off,” you muttered, “we both know that. I could go back to copywriting and maybe--”

“Babe, that job made you miserable and you will finish your book,” he handed you a napkin, “I’ve read your stuff, it’s… you said your ex was in publishing?”

“Did I?”

“I thought you did, you never really… talk about the exes, which I love but, I think you said something about it. You don’t think he would--”

“No,” you snapped, “no,” you said softer, “he wouldn’t.”

“Sorry,” he said startled by your reaction, “I didn’t--”

“It’s nothing, I just-- exes, right?”

“It was a stupid suggestion,” he said, “I’m sorry, but… I have a client, he might have some contacts.”

“You don’t have to do that--”

“I don’t have to, I want to because the world deserves to hear your voice,” he insisted, “I hate to share you but I’d be selfish to keep you to myself.”

You smiled and unfolded a tortilla. Still, your heart raced as the second mention of Ransom that day had you on edge. Dez watched you build your fajita and you looked up at him.

“Well, since you’ll be in Chicago, maybe I’ll get a few pages done.”

🍼

The call came on Monday, Dez wouldn’t be home that night. You contented yourself to stay in with your laptop and sugar cookies. Still, you barely got a sentence done before you snapped your computer closed and gave up with a frustrated grunt. You slept, not well, and got up with some trouble as your hips ached.

A good morning text from Dez made you smile but there was still no promise of an impending return. You felt pent up in the apartment and lonely as its emptiness reminded you of your absent husband. Too tense to sit down and type, you opted to go for a walk, hoping it would calm your nerves.

You walked past the shop windows and stopped to peek in at used books and handmade candles. You had no destination in mind, only a restless step. There was a little store at the corner with locally made quilts and knitted sweaters. The smell of potpourri wafted out from beneath the painted door and made your throat tickle. Even so, your curiosity drew you inside.

A small woman greeted you from behind the desk. She held two needles as she crocheted some indistinguishable craft. You smiled and said hello as you headed down the centre aisle. You looked along the racks of quilts, floral, striped, plaid, and polka dot. You stopped at a bright yellow piece with honey bees along the border. You hadn’t thought of yellow for the nursery.

You felt the soft fabric and checked the tag. You lifted the quilt from the bar, content that it was worth it and a great motivator. You stopped before you could turn back, a familiar voice chilled your blood.

“It’s cute,” Ransom said as he stepped up next to you, “kinda girly for a boy though.”

You glanced over at him and folded the blanket over your arm. You backed up but as you turned he did too. He blocked your bath as he stretched his arm across the aisle.

“My mother told me you were expecting,” he said, “and she was right, you look good.”

“What do you want?” you whispered as you clutched the quilt.

“Nothing, just saying hello,” his mouth slanted.

“Hugh, I’m not stupid,” you hissed, “it’s been five years.”

“Hugh,” he repeated dully, “you remember your manners.”

“Leave me alone and let me past,” you tried to duck under his arm but he shifted his body over and backed you up to the end of the aisle.

“And married,” he taunted.

“He’s outside,” you lied, “if I stay too long--”

“I didn’t see him when you walked up,” he intoned, “he must be easy to miss.”

“Have you been following me?” you uttered.

“Only from the cafe,” he shrugged, “short walk.”

“Please, get away from me,” you quivered.

“I’m not doing anything--”

“You know exactly what you’re doing,” you hissed, “now I will scream so move.”

“Mama Bear,” he crooned, “I love it, you’re so protective.”

“Hugh,” you warned.

“Sweetie,” he hummed.

You shoved his shoulder but he didn’t move. You hit him harder and he winced. He chuckled and stood straight. He waved his arm down the aisle and stepped aside.

“Don’t make a scene,” he said, “you always did like to be dramatic.”

“Fuck you,” you snarled, “don’t come near me again.”

“Don’t act like you don’t miss me,” he called after you as you dropped the quilt on the counter, “we were so good together.”

You left without buying, a shrill apology to the lady at the counter as you went as fast as you could out the door. The bell tinkled after you and the door clamored shut. You felt nauseous and dizzy. The last thing you wanted or needed was to ever see that man again.

[mycatismyeditor]

Zygoat, the E plot I wanted in Supergirl...

Small disclaimer before I go into this, I have not watched every episode of Supergirl. I’m still struggling to finish season two because of the writing and I’ve seen other episodes here and there. So grain of salt for all this in that regard.

That being said…

One of my favourite world building things in any kind of ongoing series is what I tend to think of as the E plot. You’ve got like the overall series mystery or villain plot which is like the A plot, then B plot is like the main character growth or romance, C plot is the secondary character growth thing, D plot is the inter relationship thing among side characters usually the other romance or friendship that’s growing, and then there’s the E plot…

That reoccurring bit of filler that mostly seems to be a dialogue link that has some kind of payoff later, like the swan in Hot Fuzz (or really anything in Edgar Wright movies). Those recurring characters like the cabbage man in Avatar the last Airbender. Or the mystery of how Gibbs gets the boat out of the basement in NCIS. They’re those little bits that make a world feel bigger and the characters lives more real.

Or you can just think of it as the extras or everyday or… entertaining? Look there’s a lot of E words that could apply here and I’m not a professional okay. Key is it’s stuff can be easily cut for time but is also usually really good for showing character interaction or personality and make great callback jokes in later seasons.

In Supergirl, speaking as a writer (debatable claim I know) but I felt like we were missing those E plots. We got a lot of filler but not much of it felt… like actual good E plot world building content type filler. Especially when it came to the DEO and Catco. I dare you to name three agents of the DEO (without looking them up or that aren’t in the main cast). I can name one, Vasquez. Wait two, there’s apparently a Pam in HR, and I know this because it’s the one bit of E plot level world building I remember on the show.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about there it’s from S02E14 the scene where Mon-el announces he and Kara are dating and Alex says they have to watch a video on harassment. I love that bit because that’s exactly the kind of thing you do have to fill out in a workplace even if it is a secret government organisation. It also showed character differences between four of our main cast, and because it immediately made me think of Archer.

Supergirl as a show just felt like a show that needed more E plot, fun callback or world building extras. That extra chaos that the characters could play against. There’s been a few bits here and there (mostly Supercorp scenes from what I've seen) but as a show it often felt like it was really missing… consideration with these things. We needed more time with the characters and seeing them interact instead of moving from plot point to plot point with no added anything. The episodes feel crowded with too much plot that never paid off and not enough… character room. We got plots with the characters shoved into it instead of the other way around a lot of the time. We needed game nights where they talked about the latest villains and references to other people who live and work with the team. That one agent whose desk that's always a mess, or that barista who never gets Nia's coffee order right but he’s cute so she never says anything, or even like the name of Lena’s head of security being mentioned after yet another attack on her life.

Personally I like when there’s lots of little things with connective payoff not just world building extras. Which is why I of course have one of my own because I am a self indulgent fanfic writer and what am I here for if not to find problems with canon and then share my solutions. So thank you if you read this far because it was mostly an introduction to…

Zygoat, the E plot I wanted in Supergirl

Kara arrived at the DEO and found Alex watching as several agents in full biohazard gear took stuff out of a fridge and dropped it into biohazard bags. Kara sniffed and immediately gagged.

“Oh God- what is that smell?” she asked covering her mouth.

Alex sighed.

“Whatever has been in the back of the fridge for ten years.”

Kara gave her a concerned look.

“Last month the biological research team didn’t fill out a request form for a replacement fridge in time. Then instead of coming and telling me when they ran out of space so I could put a rush on their request they decided to use the one in the staff cafeteria without telling anyone, and then they forgot to take it all out when they did get the replacement.”

Kara looked increasingly concerned.

“Today Agent Henderson knocked one of the containers over and an unidentifiable purple goo exploded out of it’s container covering the back of the fridge then started glowing. So of course now the entire fridge is considered contaminated, and we’re going to have to get it scrubbed for any kind of residue before it can be used for food again and apparently Dr Hawler is missing a goat embryo.”

“Why would she have a goat embryo in the lunch fridge?” Kara asked horrified.

“It’s in a little jar she puts it on top of her lunch so no one steals it.”

Kara gagged again.

“That’s disgusting.”

“Normally I would agree, but considering the things I’ve seen removed from this fridge in the last ten minutes, I’d prefer the embryo.”

Kara turned around to not be looking at the fridge.

“Okay so I just came about…”

- J’onn glared at the paperwork in front of him as Kara walked over to Alex.

“Why does J'onn look so… angry?” Kara asked.

“Do you remember that incident with the cafeteria fridge?”

“The purple goo explosion?”

“Yeah, so because we had to throw away everything we told everyone to just put in a reimbursement claim for the cost of their lunches and the DEO would just pay them all back. That turned out to be a mistake…”

Kara gave her sister a sympathetic look.

“Apparently Agent Newman had a quinoa salad and goat cheese gnocchi.”

“Newman?” Kara asked clearly disbelieving. “The guy who thinks lesbians are all vegans, women belong in the kitchen, and once ate a chicken leg out of the bin?”

Alex nodded.

“Yeah, he’s on his final warning by the way, so if you hear him say anything else like that please file a complaint so we can fire him. That’s paperwork I actually do want to fill out.”

Kara saluted to her sister.

“Anyway he’s claiming for forty eight dollars and seventy three cents because he supposedly got it from the vegan cafe on the corner that charges eight dollars for coffee.”

Kara whistled. Alex sifted through some papers.

“And Agent Drew reportedly had a steak for lunch. He wants fifty. I saw at least five ham and cheese sandwiches go into that bin and six tubs of yogurt but apparently only Ned from accounting is honest enough to admit it.”

Alex sighed and looked up.

“So, what did you…”

-

Mon-el moved quickly out of the way as an agent stormed past.

“What’s his-”

“Lunch thief,” Winn said. “Third time someone has apparently stolen his sandwich this week.”

Mon-el made a face and turned back to Winn.

-

J’onn stopped and looked down at something beside Winn’s desk.

“Agent Schott what is-”

“Lunch thief protection,” Winn said picking up what looked like a toolbox. “Turns out Agent Smith wasn’t lying. He apparently changed where he put his lunch and so mine got stolen instead. This is my protective measures. It requires a ten digit password and my fingerprint, ain’t nobody stealing my cake today.”

J’onn sighed.

“Well it’s also a trip hazard so put it in the staff room or your locker.”

Winn sighed and left with the box as J’onn turned to the others to continue the briefing.

-

Kara arrived in a rush and stopped seeing the serious look on Winn and Alex’s faces as they watched something on the screen.

“What are you two doing?” she asked.

“A matter of great importance,” Alex said her eyes still focused on the screen.

“Someone stole her lunch,” Winn said.

Alex punched him.

“Ow!” Winn yelled glaring at her.

“Seriously?” Kara asked laughing.

Alex glared at her.

“Maggie packed it for me. It was clearly labelled and I even put it right at the back so people wouldn’t be able to see it and now it’s missing. I want to know who was dumb enough to steal from me.”

“Okay,” Kara said slowly. “Well once you’re done with that very important mystery I have…”

-

Kara walked over to stand next to Winn and looking at Alex glaring at an agent.

“What’s happening?”

“Interrogations, the lunch thief is getting bolder. They took three lunches today.”

“Wow!”

“They also did it without getting caught on camera which is kinda impressive.”

Kara nodded as Alex walked over.

-

Kara approaching Winn as he’s talking with another agent.

“Sorry man. I’ve scanned it for a dozen possible ghost like things and it’s all clean.”

The agent sighed and looked at Kara.

“Has she looked?”

“Looked at what?” Kara asked.

Winn sighed.

“Agent Quinn thinks his locker is haunted.”

“Oh, by what?” Kara asked.

“Agent Newman’s anger poltergeist at being fired.”

Kara made a face.

“I swear there’s something in there. I can hear it but whenever I open it it’s gone,” Agent Quinn said sounding genuinely spooked.

“I’ll have her use her xray vision to check it for you before she leaves. Back to your post now agent,” Winn said getting up and gently pushing the agent away.

“Is he okay?” Kara asked looking after him.

Winn nodded.

“He’s new. I’ll just have him scheduled for a random psych eval. I think he might be struggling with all the alien stuff we handle.”

-

“Have you found the lunch thief yet?” Maggie asked holding out a pizza to Alex.

Alex made a frustrated noise.

“Whoever they are they’re somehow besting an entire intelligence agency. When we do find out who’s doing it I’m not sure if I should offer them a promotion or shoot them for causing so much trouble.”

Maggie laughed.

“I had a similar problem in a share house once. I laced cupcake frosting with laxatives and left them on the bench with a note saying do not eat.”

“Did it work?” Alex asked.

Maggie shrugged.

“Well I came home and all of my housemates were suffering the affects so I never found out the main culprit. But no one ever stole my food again.”

Alex smiled.

-

Kara stopped and lowered her glasses looking at the agents hosing out the fridge in the parking lot.

“What happened to the fridge?”

Alex sighed.

“I tried Maggie’s advice… It did not have the anticipated results. So now agents Adams and Brown are cleaning what seems to be very wet animal droppings out of the fridge. Dr Hawler wants to test it for evidence. I’m just starting to think that fridge is cursed. Maybe whatever it is spread to Agent Quinn’s locker.”

Kara gave her a concerned look.

“His shirt was destroyed from inside his locker. No evidence of anyone going near it.”

-

“What are you doing with… leaves?” Kara asked.

Winn looked at the small box stuffed with leaves.

“Oh we’re going to burn sage in the locker room to try and appease the ghost in Quinn’s locker. Wanna join?”

Kara shook her head.

“No thanks. As tempting as that sounds I’ve gotta finish an article for Snapper about…”

-

And then we get a mystery payoff filler episode!

..

Kara comes to the DEO to bring Alex dinner as she doesn’t trust the cursed fridge. Kara makes some comment about no job to big or too small for Supergirl then they hear a scream. They run towards it and see Agent Quinn on the floor of the cafeteria clutching his bloody face.

“Quinn what happened?” Kara asked rushing to the man’s side.

He starts babbling about a monster in the fridge. He just went to get out his salad and then it attacked him. A horrible vicious monster with fangs and flaming red eyes and evil horns. Alex gets out her gun as another two agents run in.

“An agent has been attacked. Lock the building down, no one in or out until we find whatever’s responsible.”

The agents run off. Kara and Lena look at each other and nod.

(Have some kind of main plot discussion as they search)

Then Kara says she can hear something around the corner. Alex nods and Kara flies around the corner diving on the ‘monster’. Alex comes around the corner gun raised and ready.

“Oh Alex, it’s awful,” Kara said turning around smiling and holding a baby goat.

“Goatzilla!” Kara said in mock horror.

Alex lowered her gun with a sigh.

“If that turns out to be Hawler’s missing goat embryo I’m going to have to start believing in the resurrection,” she said.

Kara smiled and hugged the goat.

“Poor baby. You’re not some evil monster are you. You’re just a scared little-”

There’s a loud noise and the goat vanishes in a rush of purple.

“Teleporting goat,” Kara finished.

Insert more Danvers sisters content or just have shenanigans of them trying to find where the goat vanishes to. Which turns out to be Agent Quinn’s locker.

Progress to them running tests on the fridge and locker with Winn. More inter character talk as they run tests on the fridge and Agent Quinn’s locker.

“I told you it was haunted!” Quinn said as another agent bandaged up his head.

Alex sighed.

“By a goat Agent Quinn, not a poltergeist,” she said exasperated.

Results come back and apparently there is some kind of pocket dimension between the locker and fridge that they can’t see or access, but the goat can teleport into at will.

“Is it possible there’s something else in that pocket dimension?” Alex asked.

Winn shrugged.

“No way to tell.”

“So something actually dangerous could just come crawling out of it at any time?” Alex asked.

Winn gave her a look.

“Like, potentially… But it’s unlikely.”

Alex does a long exasperated sigh.

Final scene of the episode has Kara carrying the goat into a containment cell now full of straw with the fridge and locker inside it. She carefully puts it down with a final pat and smile before leaving and closing the door. They all look at the baby goat happily exploring the new enclosure.

“So are we calling her Goatzilla?” Kara asked.

“No,” Alex said immediately.

“Zygoat?” Winn suggested.

Alex and Kara look at him surprised.

“What, you said she was probably Dr Hawler’s embryo. Zygoat totally works.”

Kara looked at Alex.

“Zygoat,” she said with a smile.

Alex sighed and looked back at the enclosure.

“Zygoat,” she agreed.

-

Later references:

S3:

Kara and Alex talking at the DEO but in the background there’s just two agents with a bale of hay. Then have Winn racing over and slip on the hay to be caught by Kara using superspeed. Then Alex is yelling at Agent Johnson to come sweep up the hay before someone gets injured. They have OHS procedures to follow.

-

“Supergirl!” Lena said in surprise. “Uh, why do you have pears?”

“Oh they’re for Zygoat. I like to bring her a treat sometimes.”

“Zygoat?”

“She’s a goat in the containment cells. There was a whole thing with a pocket dimension and- You know what nevermind. I was just coming to check about the…”

-

S4:

Colonel Haley looked at Alex.

“Could you explain to me why I have a prisoner care request for a goat from an Agent Quinn?”

Alex smiled.

“Zygoat,” she answered.

“Excuse me?”

“There was an issue with appropriate storage of alien objects that led to a goat that could teleport between what was at the time the staff fridge and one of the lockers via a pocket dimension. As we cannot determine how big the pocket dimension is, or what else might be in it, we have the goat, fridge, and locker in a containment cell. The goat was named Zygoat at the time and has become a bit of a mascot here. Some of the agents think she might be lonely so would like to adopt a second goat as her a friend.”

Colonel Haley was quiet for a long moment.

“That answers my second question,” she said looking back at her paperwork.

-

S5

Before Crisis:

“Where were you?” Alex hissed.

“I went to check on Zy and Scape,” Kara replied frowning. “What’s happened?”

(Yes the second goat is called Scapegoat, sue me)

After Crisis:

Kara stopped and looked at Alex.

“Did Zygoat make it?” she asked.

“What?” Alex asked confused. “Oh the immortal teleporting goat, yeah we celebrated her birthday last month with a special cake and everything.”

“Immortal?” Kara asked.

Alex looked at her then nodded.

“Yeah, Lex told us to shoot her when we found her to prevent her bringing anything else from the pocket dimension. The bullet went in, but did not come out, she didn’t even bleed. We think it went to the pocket dimension.”

Kara gave Alex a horrified look.

“I take we didn’t shoot Zygoat in the past.”

Kara quickly shook her head.

“No! We just made a containment cell into an enclosure and adopted a second goat as her friend. I used to bring them pears as a treat on Tuesdays!”

Alex nodded.

“We did all that too, just after the immortal thing was discovered and Lena stepped in to forbid anyone testing her immortality further on the grounds of animal cruelty.”

Kara kept walking.

“That man is…”

-

S06

“Hey William, have we shown you the goat yet?” Nia said carefully guiding William away.

“The goat?” he asked confused.

“Yeah, she can teleport. It’s really cool. We got her from a secret government facility. It's actually a really weird story.”

[indiemovies]

(in response) EXACTLY

canon nancy has been... through so much people-wise. apart from her blood family, nancy's had no one-on-one relationships survive, or end all that well

steve's out of high school, and it's pretty evident they don't spend much, if any at all, time together. jonathan's been in cali for a year, and the both of them are definitely aware things are sliding downhill. barb- well. barb and fred are pretty self explanatory. but the point is, ever since she lost barb, she hasn't really figured out how to be much of (and i mean this in the nicest way) a functioning member of human society

and honestly, it's not exactly clear if barb's death was the proper catalyst for this. because even before, nancy was struggling to maintain a balance between keeping her best friend + their relationship the same, and trying to date king steve. barb was absolutely right, nancy was acting Off and doing things that weren't true to herself

but after losing barb, nancy was. quick to spiral into place of depression and guilt and trying to deal with trauma while keeping her head above water and holding up appearances as virtually everyone around her, even those who were involved, seemingly moved on with their lives. idk what it was about nancy and barb, whether nancy loved barb or vice versa, or none of the above, but it seemed like that was her one true friendship. the only other times we see her hinting at having other friends is when she gets an invite handed to her at the door by tina, and when she tells her mom she's sleeping over at ally's or stacy's (though later we see karen. saying the wrong name which clearly implies that nancy doesn't talk much to her parents about said friends, because karen can keep track of mike's friends fairly well imo)

and exactly as you said !!!! fred's death dragged all of her insecurities and past traumas back up and into the open, and while she's trying to (once again) wrap all her interpersonal troubles up with duct tape and shove them in little boxes in her brain to deal with the more physical, earth-threatening issues at hand, robin hurricanes into her peripheral. so nancy starts to let robin in bit by bit, etc etc, and then. the finale. and of course nancy's gotta be the one (wo)manning the plan, because if she can do anything to make sure her loved ones aren't ripped away from her by this bastard, she will. except, the plan sorta goes to shit, through no fault of her own, and-

gOOD GOD WHEN WILL THE WRITERS PLEASE ADDRESS NANCY'S ONGOING TRAUMA WITH HER LOVED ONES !! because it seems like a good portion of the fandom writers are occupied kissing steve's ass (or having eddie kiss said ass) and yknow. there's nothing wrong with that ship, or having favorites who aren't nancy. but just... there's so much to explore and delve into, even if she's not always the easiest-to-love character. god this is so long and rambly i apologize

in conclusion, i love nancy wheeler, and i love her more for her flaws and the fact that she, badass who wields guns and kills monsters, hasn't quite figured out the living-a-normal-life part, especially when you try to throw her own emotions into the mix

SCREAMINGGGGG......THIS ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!! never apologize for sending a long nancy message to me bc it is truly the greatest gift anyone can bestow upon me and you are enabling to reciprocate by talking about nancy for a long time as well

ok um YES i agree with everything you said especially about stuff starting even before barb's death. i hate barb discourse (though i understand how the overhyping can lead to retroactive hatred) i just think the dismissal of either barb or nancy as a bad friend is just the most boring and lame way you can approach that dynamic. i love nancy going through normal teen girl struggles of wanting to be different but also wanting to fit in. and her relationship with barb being such a necessary element in this conflict. AND PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND THEY WERE LITERALLY CHILDHOOD GIRL BEST FRIENDS who were maybe intense and maybe had feelings for each other they could never quite understand. and that intensity can lead to things like jealousy/possessiveness/resistance to change. so maybe they were both bad friends or neither of them were but that doesn't even matter bc they were each other's best friend.

and i think post s1 nancy struggled so much trying to be a normal teen girl again. everything she longed for at the start of the show seems so frivolous to her now that she's experienced a loss that has shaken her. that's in part why her relationship with steve didnt work, it wasnt bc she associates his pool/their first time with barb's death (or at least it wasn't just that) it's that barb's death forced her to grow up and shattered the illusion of normalcy and complacency for her. she's like what did i use to want and why did i ever want that. and ever since mid-s2 then she's been gogogo, not stopping bc she knows the second she does 1)she has to face her own thoughts and feelings and 2) she feels like she has to protect people through her proactiveness, whether that's her loved ones or some innocent civilian being victimized by authority/government without accountability (does this make sense. she is a true for the people journalist imo) and so she can't stop.

but i really hope in the final season she can get a moment where she CAN stop. where someone makes her. sits her down and talks to her and tells her she doesn't have to responsible for everyone and every bad thing in the world. and i hope that person is EITHER robin or mike.

also i agree with you on that last point lol obviously anyone can like whoever they like (as long as it's not b*lly) and i like steve and eddie!!! but i feel like all of their scenes, characterizations, and possible backgrounds have been analyzed and talked about to hell and back. meanwhile nancy has not slept in 52 hours and is mean to people to keep them out so if she loses them it won't hurt as bad (but she still tries so desperately to save them) and acts more like an alert aggressive guard dog for her family rather than a daughter/sister atp and her face lights up when she finds her old stuffed animal and. no one is talking about it but she is literally THE CHARACTER OF ALL TIME. it's so annoying when people are like "i hate this character for [intentional character flaw/mistake that is literally what makes them so interesting]" GROW UP!!!

also it is going to be hilarious and sad when she shows up to emerson as this battle-hardened serious journalist freshman and she cant help but resent her roommate bc the worst thing that ever happened to her was her parents divorcing. nancy cannot be a functioning member of society at this point!!! and this leads perfectly into my "nancy gets laid off from a newspaper at age 27 and opens a supernatural detective agency" vision

[a-room-of-my-own]

A while before the latest hoo-ha about Judith Butler, I had just been reading her again. Though she claims her critics have not read her, this simply isn’t the case. I read Gender Trouble when it first came out and it was important at the time . That time was long,long ago. She was just one of the many ‘post-structuralist’ thinkers I was into. I would trip off to see  Luce Irigaray or Derrida whenever they appeared.

I got an interview  with Baudrillard and tried to sell it to The Guardian but they  didn’t know who he was so its fair to say I was fairly immersed in that world of theory.  For a while, I had a part time lecturing job so I had to keep on top of it. Though Butler’s idea of gender as performance was not new , it was interesting.  RuPaul said it so much more clearly in a  quote nicked from  someone else “Honey ,we are born naked, the rest is drag”

What I was looking for again , I guess is not any clarity – her writing is famously and deliberately difficult-  but whether there was ever any sense of the material body. She wrote herself in 2004 “I confess however I am not a very good materialist. Every time I try to write about the body, the writing ends up being about language” . 

Butler from on high ,cannot really think about the body at all which is why they (Butler’s chosen pronoun) are now the high priestess of a particular kind of trans ideology.  The men who worship Butler are not versed in high theory. The fox botherer had a “brain swoon” at some very ordinary things Butler said. Mr Right Side of history nodded along in an interview. Clearly neither of these men are versed in any of this philosophy and would be better off sticking to tax law and the decline of the Labour Party. Butler is simply a totem for them.

Butler said in the Guardian interview for instance  “Gender is an assignment that does not just happen once: it is ongoing. We are assigned a sex at birth and then a slew of expectations follow which continue to “assign” gender to us.”

So yeah? That’s a fairly basic view of the social construction of gender though I take issue with the assigned at birth thing ,which I will come back to and why I started reading her again in the first place.

This phrase “Assigned sex at birth” is now common parlance but simply does not make sense  to me. I am living with someone who is pregnant. I have given birth three times and been a birthing  partner. I know where babies come from. There is a deep disconnect here between language and reality which no amount of academic jargon can obliterate. 

Babies  come from bodies. Not any bodies but bodies that have a uterus. They grew inside a woman’s body until they  get pushed out or dragged out into the world. 

The facts of life that we are now to be liberated from in the form of denial. Only one sex can have babies but we must now somehow not say that. The pregnant “people” of Texas will now be forced into giving birth to children they don’t want because they are simply “host bodies”. The language of patriarchal supremacy and that of some of the trans ideologues is remarkably close, as is their biological ignorance.

There is no foetal heatbeat at six weeks for instance. When a baby is born , doctors and midwives do not randomly assign a sex, they observe it and they do it though genitalia. 

There is a question over a tiny percentage of babies ,less that one percent with DSDs but even then they are sexed with doctors having  difficult conversations with parents about what may happen later.

Somehow, though when I read the way in which this is now all discussed it is clear to me that the people talking have never been pregnant, never had a foetal scan, never been near a birth , never miscarried, do not understand that even with a still birth babies are still sexed and often named. 

If you want to know the sex of your baby you can pay privately and know at 7 weeks ((*49-56 days from the first day of the mother’s last menstrual cycle). A 12 week scan will show it. That is why so many female foetuses are aborted . I have reported on this. 

Talking to paediatricians about this is interesting because they do indeed have to think through these things that we are being told are not real eg. that sex is just a by-product of colonialism for instance.  Sometimes pre-conception , geneticists will be looking at chromosomes because certain diseases are more likely in men or women. Males have a higher risk of haemophilia for instance.  

One doctor told me “When babies are premature, the survival advantage of females over males is well known throughout neonatology. This is sometimes something we talk about with parents when there is threatened premature labour around 23 weeks' gestation and options to discuss about resuscitation and medical interventions. In fertility treatment (or counselling around fertility in the context of medical treatments) it is pretty inherent to know whether we need to plan around sperm, or ova + pregnancy.”

She also said that if she involved in a birth that “assigning” isn’t the word she world use. “Observed genitals a highly reliable observation, just like measuring weight or head circumference which is also done at this time. “ Another doctor said that anyone involved with a trans man giving birth  would be doing the best for the patient in front  of them. 

Sex then is biological fact. A female baby will have all the eggs she will ever have when she is first born which is kind of amazing. It is not bio-essentialist to say that our sexed bodies are different nor is it transphobic to recognise it.

Except of course in my old newspaper ,The Guardian who are now so hamstrung by their  own ideology they have got their knickers in such a twist they can barely walk.  They completely misreported the WiSpa incident , basically ignored the Sonia  Appleby  judgement at the Tavistock. Appleby was a whistle blower ,a respected professional concerned with safe guarding. She won her case. The cherry on the cake this week was an interview with Butler, themselves (?) in which they went on about Terfs being fascists and needing to extend the category of women.

Does anyone EVER stop to think that most gender critical women are of the left, supporters of gay rights, often lesbian and that this is not America? We are not in bed with the far right. This is bollocks. Just another way to dismiss us.  

As we watch Afghanistan and Texas ,to say Butler’s words were tone deaf is to say the least. But they didn’t even have the guts to keep the most offensive stuff in the piece and overnight edited it out without really explaining why : the bits where Butler described gender critical people as fascist. Perhaps because the person their “reporters” had  defended against  transphobia at WiSpa turned out to be a known sex offender,  perhaps because someone pointed out that Butler was throwing around the word fascist rather like Rik Mayall used to do in the Young Ones. 

All of this is rather desperate and readers deserve better. When I left that newspaper I said that I thought and expected editors to stand up for their writers in public. Instead they go into some catatonic paralysis. I may have not liked this interview but it should never have been cut. Stand by what you publish or your credibility is shot.

But this is about more than Judith Butler and their refusal to support women . Butler is not really any kind of feminist at all. What this is about is the large edifice of trans ideology  crumbling when any real analysis is applied. Yes, I have read Shon Faye’s book and there are some interesting points in it and I totally agree that the lives of trans people should be easier and health care better . I have never said anything but that.

What Faye does in the book is say that there can be no trans liberation under capitalism so there will be a bit of a wait I suspect. 

Yet surely it is the other way round and what we are seeing is that trans ideology (not trans people – I am making a distinction here ) represent the apex of capitalism .

For it means that the individual decides their own gendered essence and then spends a fortune on surgery and a lifetime on medication to achieve the appearance of it. Of course lots of people spend a lifetime  on medication but not out of choice.  Marx understood very well that the abolition of our system of production would free up women.

Now it is all about freeing up men. Who say they are women. Quelle surprise.  

 Nussbaum’s famous take down of Butler is premised exactly on the sense of individual versus collective struggle “ The great tragedy in the new feminist theory in America is the loss of a sense of public commitment. In this sense, Butler’s self-involved feminism is extremely American, and it is not surprising that it has caught on here, where successful middle-class people prefer to focus on cultivating the self rather than thinking in a way that helps the material condition of others. “

Such thinking now dominates academia. There is simply an unquestioning  rehearsal of something most of know not to be true thus Amia Srinivasan writes in The Right to Sex  “At birth, bodies are sorted as ‘male’ or ‘female’, though many bodies must be mutilated to fit one category or the other, and many bodies will later protest against the decision that was made. This originary division determines what social purpose a body will be assigned.”

What does ‘sorted’ mean here? A tiny number of intersex babies are born. A tiny number of people are trans and decide to change their bodies. The feminist demand to challenge gender norms without mutilating any one’s body no longer matters. What matters now is this retrograde return  to some gendered soul. This is not something any decent Marxist would have any truck with . Of course one may change over a lifetime and of course gender is never ‘settled.’ We are complex people who inhabit bodies that often don’t work or appear as we want them to.

But not only is there a denial of basic Marxism going on here , what becomes ever more apparent is  that there is a denial of motherhood. Butler said “Yet gender is also what is made along the way – we can take over the power of assignment, make it into self-assignment, which can include sex reassignment at a legal and medical level.”

Self-assignment is key . One may birth oneself. No longer of woman born but self -made. This is a theoretical leap but it also one that has profound implications for women as a sex class. We are really then, just the  host bodies to a new breed of people who self-assign.

Maybe that is the future although look around the word and there isn’t a lot of self-assignment going on. There are simply women shot and beaten in the street, choked to death or having  their rights taken  away. There is no identifying out of this , there is no fluidity here . This is not discourse. It is brutality and do we not have some responsibility to other women to confront male violence ?

Instead the hatred is aided and abetted by so called philosophers describing  other women as Terfs. It is utterly depressing.

The sexed body. The pregnant body. The dying body. The body is in trouble when we can’t talk about it . I thought of Margaret Mary O’Hara’s  beautiful and  strange lyrics and what they might mean. I await my child’s return from the hospital as hers is a difficult pregnancy and thank god they are on the case. The sex of the child she carries does not matter to me at all .

It simply exists. Not in language but within a body. 

Why is that so difficult to acknowledge?