#it's a whole obsession and i need to tell my therapist

[the-starflower]

My thoughts on the companions during my first run

In order of appearance:

Lae'zel

Cool intro, cool character - but I never really vibed with her. The aggression and talking down to everyone like we're idiots got tired very quickly. I have very little time for that, both irl and in games 😅

I also don't like how she's just blindly following whoever is her current authority figure. She renounces Vlaakith only to immediately devote herself to Orpheus with the same burning fanaticism. I kept hoping she would tell them all to sod off and choose her own path. She did become a leader herself in the end but... it was frustrating.

She has very funny banter though, and her voice actor did a stellar job. Great animations and facial expressions too! I love the eye roll when corrected on the pronunciation of "teeth-lings" 😆

Shadowheart

I went from disliking to loving her. She was so cold and shady in the beginning I didn't feel like I could trust her. I also didn't understand how to play a cleric in combat.

The others were fairly straightforward: Lae'zel and Karlach smash stuff, Astarion stabs people in the back, Gale is aoe damage and/or a jack-of-all-trades with a spell for every occasion, and Wyll just Eldritch Blasts people in the face. And Shadowheart is... a support healer... ish? In early game it felt like she didn't do much of anything, so every time it was her turn I was just like uuuuuhh Guiding Bolt I guess? Didn't help that the memes about her missing everything are very true. Poor girl must be half-blind.

But with time and a few levels under her belt, I figured her out. She became one of my most used and useful companions. As her story progressed she also really grew on me as a character. I absolutely loved her whole arc in the Shadow-cursed Lands.

She ended up feeling like my Tav's closest friend alongside Karlach. Even shed a few real tears at the end of her personal quest. 💜

Astarion

Had the same feelings towards Astarion as towards Lae'zel. I immediately loved his snark, but I played a very good character so his constant sighs of disapproval got old fast.

What's funny is I know younger me would've been smitten with Astarion IMMEDIATELY. Alternative bad boy with a sassy personality and tragic backstory? Oh, and did we mention he's a vampire? I would've been "I can fix him" all over that. But present-day me is too old for that nonsense. You can take all of that attitude and stay in camp. Call me when you've seen a therapist. My wood elf ranger had enough dexterity and thieves' tools to pick her own damn locks.

With that said, he did win me over.

I eventually realized I would probably need to up his approval if I wanted to resolve his personal quest (I'm a completionist and didn't like leaving it abandoned) so I gave him another chance and... boy, did he deliver. Astarion turned out to have so much depth and nuance, sold even further by the incredible voice acting! His story is also the darkest and most disturbing of them all.

By the time we arrived at Cazador's mansion I felt so protective of him. Gonna make damn sure nobody lays a finger on that little prima donna ever again.

Gale

Instant fav 💖 He introduced himself like a civilized person (unlike most other people in this game) and was polite and pleasant to deal with right off the bat (again, unlike most others).

He was also immediately useful, not only in combat but in general. Whatever the problem, a solution could probably be found somewhere in his smorgasbord of a spell book. He seemed overpowered already at the beginning of the game and was a downright force of nature at max level.

Most importantly though, his personality is 100% my personal brand of kryptonite: smart, kind, funny in the most adorably dorky way, romantic, artistic, absolute nerd... Neurodivergent? Very likely. Obviously I romanced him and have been obsessed since 💕

Wyll

Warlock business and hero complex aside he felt the most "normal" of them all. I immediately liked his kindness and charm. He usually had a very sound outlook on things as well.

My only gripe with Wyll is that his personal story kinda fizzles out. For a good while there he had the most interesting story and I was so curious to see where it would lead. Sadly the answer was mostly meh. As the son of Duke Ravenguard he should've been front and centre in Act III, but even in his personal quest he barely had any agency or even much of a part to play. And more than once I had to step in to make decisions for him instead of him having his own opinions!

I still really like his personality though. Might try romancing him in a future run. Hopefully he's less passive in that...

Karlach

I love her. I love everything about her. Her gorgeous looks, her golden-retriever-with-an-attitude personality, her battle prowess... I want her and I want to be her in equal measure. ❤️‍🔥

I had known her for all of five minutes before deciding she must be protected at all costs. AT ALL COSTS!!

Which was sadly proving very very difficult. Her personal story is just... heartbreaking. None of the things happening to her are her own fault, she doesn't deserve any of this. Act III was so stressful because there wasn't a damn thing I could do to save her. I bawled at least twice during her story and was afraid her ending would ruin me completely. 😭 Luckily, she went to Avernus with Wyll in the end. I'm not sure I would've continued playing if she hadn't made it.

Hey, maybe that's how I'll break my BG3 addiction? I make a run where I intentionally make sure Karlach dies? That might actually do the trick. 🤔

The non-origin companions

Minthara Didn't know she was a potential companion and killed her. Oops.

Halsin Mr I'm-sexy-and-I-know-it. Also such a wonderfully nice and stable person (showing my age again lol). No breakdowns, no angst, no drama. He's old enough to know who he is and what he wants. Had a moment of weakness where I actually considered breaking up with Gale for him. Obviously couldn't do that to my beloved wizard but... I admit I thought about it.

Jaheira Easily the coolest of them all. I love her no-nonsense attitude and the way she talks to me. She is who I want to be when I grow up. 🫶 I only wish she showed up earlier so I got to spend more time with her.

Minsc and Boo He's so ridiculous but I can't help but laugh every time he opens his mouth. I was already playing a ranger so had no real use for him, especially since he shows up so late in the game, but I adore him. It would be fun to make a run with him and Jaheira as permanent Act III party members. The Netherbrain wouldn't know what hit it!

[sillestshark]

do y'all ever just hate a ship because one of the characters in it is your crush, and you're jealous of the character they're shipped with cause they're not you and no one ships your crush with you cause you're not a character in the game, but at the same time you also like that ship or do you just hate it like a normal person?

[castielafflicted]

therapy session went over. i feel like ive been skinned alive and then put through a meat grinder.

[yanderemommabean]

Please delete this if ramblings like this aren’t allowed, but I just got back from my monthly massage and as per usual my brain was zeroed in on the mental image of a yandere massage therapist. Especially with how willingly I always give in to whatever they do. Take off my pants? Okay, sure. You keep grabbing my ass? Yeah, that checks out. Spent the last five minutes just rubbing my hips and thighs? Yup, if you say so. There’s very little they could do that would convince me I should speak up and stop them.

(Disclaimer I was not at all weird to the actual massage therapist. She is a very nice woman and was very professional about the whole affair, and I behaved accordingly. Any and all yandere fantasies were kept to myself.)

And even if it wasn’t the massage therapist themself. A yandere finding out I had an appointment and paying off the staff to let them quietly slip in with them when I’m face down and can’t see anything and they record the entire thing for… later use. Gives them a bonus if they stretch me out in ways they normally wouldn’t so they can get a better view. Not like I’d know any better, right?

I know this is more mundane than most of your stuff, but just. I needed to get the vision out there somewhere. And if it’s exclusively in your asks. So be it.

These types of rants and rambles are absolutely welcome ❤️

God…picturing a massage therapist who slowly urges you to allow them to finger you…slowly slipping their fingers inside to the last knuckle, curling them while shushing you and telling you to take deep breaths…

Obsessed with how you gasp and try to hide your little moans as they quicken their hand, biting their lip as they see how you blush and try not to rock back for more. (Why? Why won’t you let yourself feel this bliss? How cute. You think it’s wrong of you, don’t you? That just means they can be a bit of a bully next ❤️.)

Ugh. Self indulgent but I love when they want to just plant their face between your legs and just gorge themselves on your hole(s). At that point after they’ve fingered into four orgasms, I don’t blame them for finally caving and getting a taste!

-Mommabean

[turn-my-hollow-purple]

What I Would Tell AOT Characters if I Was Their Therapist

my ex is so fucking obsessed with me why is he posting one sided beef about me on his socials 😭 i actually like this game because why am i celebrity?

Eren: "So have you considered healthy coping mechanisms as an alternative to genocide?"

Mikasa: "Your whole self worth isn't just tied to a man, you are allowed to exist outside of him."

Armin: "Being intelligent doesn't mean you have to carry the weight of the world alone."

Jean: "You have the leadership potential even though you believe you don't."

Connie: "you are the emotional support friend, but who is your emotional support friend?"

Sasha: "You use food and humor to distract from your trauma, but it's okay to talk about these things."

Erwin: "At what point does ‘the greater good’ stop being an excuse for your self-destructive tendencies?"

Levi: “I know you think detaching from emotions is strength, but let’s try acknowledging that losing people hurts."

Hange: “Are you truly unhinged, or are you just avoiding the weight of grief by hyperfixating on titans?"

Annie: “You act like you don’t care, but you do care, and that’s the real tragedy here. Let’s talk about those repressed emotions.”

Bertholdt: “You have chronic ‘never speaks up for himself’ syndrome. What do you want, Bertholdt?"

Reiner: "You need approximately 700 hours of therapy. You have a guilt complex, an identity crisis, and crippling depression."

Historia: “You spent your entire life pretending to be what people wanted you to be. Let’s figure out who you actually are, shall we?”

Ymir: "Pretending you don’t care doesn’t make you immune to pain. You deserve love without expecting it to be taken away."

[katiascraft]

“am I too much for you? maybe I’m too much for everyone” | CL16

parings: Charles Leclerc x insecure!reader

summary: you feel insecure and you’re struggling but Charles makes sure you know how important you are to the world (specially his world).

now playing: “If I weren’t me” by Katherine Li

warnings: not English native speaker could there be errors. None proofread. Talk about sadness and destructive inner talk. Insecure reader. Readers pov’s.

words: +1,5k words.

a/n: heyyyy I am back!!! I disappeared for a year 💀 consistency it’s not my thing I guess. I’m finally finishing university this year!! So I guess I’ll have more time to write. Hope you like it! First on Charles. New obsession: F1 drivers. Get ready I got plenty more on my plans :p. Remember to like or reblog! And follow me so we can be friends :3

MASTERLIST

The piano tiles made the sound of the soundtrack of my sadness in this moment. My fingers touched them softly like they were fragile - like me.

Today was a nightmare from the start. Since I woke up I had a knot in my stomach that became bigger and bigger as the time passed through my routine. Sometimes itʼs really hard for me to do daily tasks such as cleaning or even eating. And it was harder if I need to go to events or meetings.

I have episodes of deep sadness Iʼve been treating on therapy. Sometimes I just canʼt control it. Today was one of those days where black and grey took over everything I felt and did. One way I found by being suggested by my therapist was writing down every thought of pain to find kind of a relief. Today itʼs really hard. Iʼm struggling really hard.

Iʼve been alone the whole day. Charles had to go to the Ferrari factory and do his driver tasks as usual. When I woke up he was gone. And maybe that contributed even more to my desperate and pathetic situation. Though I shouldnʼt talk about it like that and be more gentle with myself. It always felt to me negativity has always been my best friend and worst enemy at the same time.

Playing piano helped me so much. Write a song about my pain. Try to give a little light to all of this mess I find myself emerged in. Itʼs really hard for me to open up and seek help when I need it. Specially when it comes to Charles. I donʼt wanna be a burden to him. And I donʼt wanna stress him out with all of my dark side. I always try to brush it off when heʼs around. Most times I just pretend Iʼm happy and everything itʼs alright. As if I wasnʼt feeling too much for him. Or too less. Like Iʼm not worth of his love. Of his attention. Of his smiles. Of everything he did for me.

The fact that Charles asked me out had me shocked. Iʼve never felt like I could compete with all the models and influencers and singers and every really beautiful girl in this world. Iʼve never felt beautiful nor attractive. Yes Iʼm pretty good making jokes. And I talk too much. But Iʼve always felt I cringed people out. Dating people wasnʼt a thing I was really good at. Actually I sucked. And I think I still do. Always overthinking and second guessing every move. Every promise. Everything.

Charles was so sweet to me. He said “youʼre beautiful. Iʼm sure people tell you all the time. But you really areˮ. I couldnʼt help but get really nervous and blush. The most beautiful man Iʼve ever seen was talking to me and saying all of that. I blinked a couple of times. My smile huge. I just laughed softly trying to brush it off.

Since then we became a team. Inseparable. Charles became my best friend. My rock. I donʼt know what I ever did to deserve his love. The way he loved me was so gentle. So caring and loving. At first was hard because his love language was physical touch and that was something I wasnʼt used to. But little by little I got used to and felt amazing. Iʼve never felt so comfortable with anyone but him.

I hate my body. I feel ashamed of my personality. Most times I feel so dumb. So stupid.

I didnʼt realized I was already crying when I felt my tears dropping in my hands on the piano. I didnʼt realized I kept playing in auto-mode. When I was conscious again I started crying badly. I started shaking. I felt so bad. So guilty for even feeling this way. I didnʼt realized Charles have arrived home when I felt his deep voice from behind.

“Baby... whatʼs wrong? Youʼve been crying for a whileˮ I heard his voice and that sent shivers down my spine. I try to hold it together because I feel so embarrassed heʼs seeing me like this.

He sat next to me and hugged me. I hid my face on his neck feeling contempt. Thing is I started crying worse. I couldnʼt control it once it took on me.

“Itʼs okay baby. Itʼs okay.ˮ He whispered on my head while he stroke my hair and my arm pulling me closer. I thanked him mentally for this. I never thought I needed it so much.

Took a while until I calmed myself in his body. I part from him slowly and whipped my face with my hands. After I did he did the same. He whipped my tears so gently. He did the same looking me with bright eyes. Worry was all over his face. I licked my lips. “Iʼm sorry.ˮ I said quietly almost a whisper.

He denided with his head taking my head into his hands and stroked it softly.

“donʼt be sorry baby. Iʼm worried. Whatʼs wrong? Iʼm sorry I wasnʼt home to be with you. Why didnʼt you called me?ˮ I could feel the worry in his voice deep and cracking.

“I didnʼt want to bother to be honest. Itʼs one of those days. A really hard dayˮ my tears wanted to go out again but I holded them.

I saw his eyes turned into a sad look. He leaned on me and kissed my cheek to hugged me strongly in his arms afterwards. I buried my head in his shoulder. His smell calmed me down. I holded him pretty close to me. Strongly as him. I didnʼt want to let go.

“do you wanna talk about what you are feeling love?ˮ He whispered softly. I swallowed hard and pulled away from his so I could look into his beautiful eyes. I loved his eyes. So bright so blue sometimes. To me they felt like staring at the ocean. I stroked his face gently. He grabbed my legs on the little couch in front of the piano it our living room.

“This is one of those days where I donʼt feel enough or maybe too much to handle... all of this darkness in me that sometimes I just canʼt control it. You deserve someone confident and happy just like youˮ I told him softly and honestly. And it felt good to take it out of me for finally. I wanted to cry again but I was making my best efforts to keep it together.

“Cher... you are more than enough for me. You are the most beautiful soul Iʼve ever met. The most beautiful woman Iʼve ever seen. You are the sweetest most caring and fun person. Always there for people. You have the brightest personality. Every time you enter a room you shine. Everyone smiles. To me youʼre happiness though I know that isnʼt the whole you. Youʼre human baby. You are allowed to feel. And to not be okay. And to be okay too. You are not a burden for me. Youʼre my best friend. Mon amour. My future wife. The one whoʼs always there for me. My shoulder to cry on. The one with the greatest jokes. The life of every party I assist. You give a meaning to my life. A reason to live. You are a great daughter. The best friend someone could ask for. The greatest sister. You are a light for every single person that knows you y/n. Donʼt ever feel that you are too much to handle. And I really wanna go and kill the people who made you ever feel you were, I sware. You are amazing baby.ˮ While he was talking you couldnʼt hold it together. You just started crying. He let you do it while he whipped your tears lovingly. He seeing you like this broke his heart. You didnʼt deserve to feel like this. And he wished he could take away all of your pain. That you could see yourself the way he sees you. And feel how happy and enamoured you made him feel. “You can talk to me every time you need itˮ he continued. “you can trust me and we can figure it out together. You donʼt have to go through it alone. Okay? I love you with everything I am y/n. If I could I would take all of this pain away and just make you feel how I feel about you. I promise to me youʼre even better than Carlosˮ he said lastly jokingly making me laugh through my crying.

Now he had a huge smile on his face knowing he could make you feel better. I gave him a peck on his lips as a thank you and as an I love you.

“I donʼt know what I would do without you Charles...ˮ I said sincerely and full of love in between the lines. He gave another kiss back but now it was deeper in feelings. We kissed for a while and it felt that as the kiss continued my pain was going away feeling better every second. After the kissed I hugged him tightly. He gave kisses to my neck making me giggle a little. “I love you Charlie. Youʼre my angelˮ I whispered on his shoulder and he tightened the hug in response.

“And you are mine chérie“ he said burying his face on my shoulder.

——————————————————————————————

Charlie won COTA 🥹.

Hope you liked it 💌 if you have ideas my inbox is open for requests!

[shanklin]

The shellfish Selfish au has consumed my every waking thought, it’s so tragic so I want to add some more angst but also comfort.

What if after Stan killed Filbrick he had to stay with Dipper, Mabel and Ford. What if he couldn’t handle their judging, their questions and their half hearted attempts to do better( without Mabel or Dipper addressing any of their own issues it comes off as condescending) and he runs away into the forest.

And gets unwillingly halfway adopted by the multi- bear while trying to get out of the rain.

I imagine that Mabel, Dipper and Ford would feel horrible. Not just because of how they treated Stanley in the past but how he must have felt so unsafe that he ran away. And also panicking because the woods are dangerous, and Stan could already be dead.

Meanwhile Stan and the Multi- Bear are just chilling, listening to Babba and eating berries in a cave while Stan definitely isn’t avoiding his problems. Nope he’s totally fine. Besides it would be selfish to tell his family about his problem’s or have them deal with his issues so it would be better if he just disappeared forever.

Selfish Shellfish AU - Masterpost

Bonus points if Dipper [and the others] never met the Multibear. They only heard stories of an angry violent beast and  found some evidence that he took Stan and killed him.

[Stan just fell, got a head wound that bled a bit too much and the multibear took him home for some first aid]

…heh they prepare to get revenge on the multibear by training with the manotaurs and then Stan has to stop them from killing the multibear :’)

I kind of want the Multibear to be Stans therapist 🤔

Maybe Stan only ever comes home at night and spends everyday in the forest with the Multibear and getting some well needed therapy.

***

Hmm that makes me wonder what Dipper would be like without his lessons in manliness? 

A boy growing up in the 50~60ies who is at some point obsessed with being manly and strong and terrified of being seen as too girly, especially since his sister constantly forces him to do girly stuff with her. It’s just another thing for the other kids to make fun of him for and for the adults to look at him disapprovingly.

Maybe he had a whole little character arc that ends with Dipper being like “then I guess I will never be a man”. 

But instead of an adult reassuring him with a “You were your own man and you stood up for yourself. You did what was right, even though no one agreed with you. Sounds pretty manly to me.” he gets a “Don’t be such a sissy, boy!”

That would probably mess him up a bit.

***

Or it would be fun if there was a group of creatures in Gravity Falls who looked at Dipper at some point and decided to keep far away from him. 

“Egh, that guy. Hey, Kyle! Can you put a barrier up for me as well? Don’t want that jerk snooping around my cave!”

The Multibear is, of course, part of the anti-Dipper faction. And when he ~kidnaps~ semi-nonconsensually adopts Stan, so do the others. Stan feels safe with them. They’re all nonhuman and weird. He’s got no bad associations with that and he decides to stay with them.

[Not like his family wanted him to be around. They were perfectly happy when he was gone and now they were forced to take care of him. He’s doing them a favour.]

When Mabel, Ford and Dipper get close to discovering where Stan is hiding it’s time for war!

The creatures of the Forest are ready to protect one of their own with their lives and the Pines are ready to save Stan even if it kills them. 

While that is going on outside, the Multibear is having a really productive therapy session with Stan.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i talked to the school councelor because i suspect one of my friends is autistic? 👁️

(note: asshole is probably a strong word - what i’m mostly asking is if it would be a good idea)

I (17) have a friend (17) we’ll call Alex. I’ve been friends with Alex since we were in first grade, because our parents knew eachother. We kind of grew up together. Our entire lives, they’ve always been “weird,” they’ve never picked up on social cues well, they’re obsessed with chickens and know an absurd amount about them, they describe themself as a “creature of habit,” they struggle to understand when people are joking vs serious, and they are really bad at spelling, just to name off the top of my head. Now, any of these thing in a vacuum wouldn’t warrant anything necessarily, but all together i’m pretty certain they have undiagnosed autism.

Some added context, im not autistic myself, but i do have ADHD and i have an interest in psychology and how the brain works. In doing my own research to see if i was autistic, i noticed a lot of similarities between what i was reading and how i’ve known Alex as a friend my whole life. I’ve had the idea of them maybe being autistic rolling in the back of my head for like, two years now? But haven’t ever said anything about it, because i was afraid I was wrong or overthinking.

Now, here’s why i’m worried about bringing it up to anyone. Their parents are very… “nuclear family” ish. they’re very catholic, and have six kids with a seventh on the way (we live in the suburbs) and a part of me feels they don’t believe in mental health/illnesses/disorders or anything like that. They’re also transphobic, but you didn’t hear that from me. I just fear that telling a counselor would spread the info to parents who either wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t care, or would try and “cure” it. Alex already isn’t doing well mentally (they’ve talked about feeling textbook dysphoria and are in denial about it - i think they’re a transmasc egg) and i really don’t want to bring it up if it will cause problems.

BUT. I talked to my mom about all of this (we’re very close and i knew she wouldn’t make a big deal out of it) and she recommended talking to the school counselor, and im just wondering if it’s a good idea. In the best case scenario, the counselor would work to get them a diagnosis and HOPEFULLY a therapist (oh my god do they need a therapist), but in the worst case? in the awful world for autistic people we live in? i just don’t know if it’s wise. So here i am turning to tumblr, the most neurodivergent site around. WIBTA if i talked to the counselor about my friend who i heavily suspect is autistic?

[spaloonbabooguuscooties]

You could drink your whole life away and still never get that taste out of your mouth.

half commission for @salempie half completely self indulgent dreck pieced together from our insane conversations abt franke and elka. told myself id finally write a big explanation for all of the dum shit between these two for context so Thats Under The Cut.

so I already wrote some stuff about elka and franke's relationship back in whispering rock so feel free to look at that too . it goes over elkas blindness/‘seeing’ with clairvoyance and how her and franke started talking & all that good stuff

SO FOR STARTERS. a lot of thsi wont make sense without a big breakdown of elka herself. because elkas potential as a character is like insane to me. like just the idea of her in the long run of her life reads as something so potentially tragic; a young girl whos plagued with visions of doom and destined to be an outcast even in her own home for things she cant control and clings to the One vision of her wedding that she thinks is 'happy' even despite the fact she doesnt really love the person in it. im choosing to take the li-po doc as canon here because its funny shes the only one with backstory-

but my fucking god even the smallest look into what her parents are like is soo fucked up to me. and i do think elka especially gets a lot of influence from her mother; its funny how easily you can fit mabel doom into a box just from what elka says about her. knees deep in an avon-esque pyramid scheme and leaning into her daughters depressing ass visions & taking her to therapy at age 11 (which would be good if not for the kind of person you can already assume she is & so i doubt the therapist she has really does her any good. i think they share one). she reads as a very I Am My Daughters Best Friend type of mom to me and i can see elka being a centerpiece of the conversation when she has her Amway Girls over for drinks. wine-mom that lets her kid sip from the glass so she can feel like a big girl type deal.

and you can tell that elka is trying to hard to be too mature for her age even in her campster posts. how she writes letters to nils' mom and exchanges baking recipes with her and that feels like she really only interacts with middle aged women and not really many people her own age outside of camp (like her moms friends). which makes sense shed feel the need to ‘grow up’ early when shes probably had to process so many hard things at a young age bc of her visions.

theres a lot of filling the blanks here of course.

elka obsesses over nils to an overbearing degree even despite the fact he treats her like shit ('you promised no talking' and so on) and she treats him bad right back. she leans onto stereotypical heterosexual ideals like taking care of him and overblowing how Manly and Protective JT is and she admires romance stories like pride and prejudice and it feels like she Projects Soooooooo much of what she wants onto boys she barely feels anything for without knowing what its actually supposed to feel like. and clearly she WANTS that ideal future, a happy marriage, an actual romance- but according to nils even when they were dating she ignored him most of the time, which just seems Very Telling

like shes filling a role, overcompensating for emotions and lacktherof she cant digest quite yet, and it only makes more sense when you know shes had visions of their future together. how could that be bad for her? shouldnt it be like the books and movies? but she doesnt really connect the fact that her visions are only for Doomed futures, and if she does she certainly doesnt show it. Doomed relationships. it's been a part of her family for generations and she isn't turning out much different, is she? i dont think she even realizes thats all she ever sees yet, just that its Going to happen. that it's Her future, and it always will be

and like, her only reference for a real marriage so far has been her own parents, and she already Knows they have an affair, and theyre doomed to split, (and i actually like to think they were in rough waters anyway and elka was a child meant to mend a crumbling marriage but thats a whole other thing) and so without a framework for what an actual healthy relationship is supposed to be like she cant really grasp that her relationship with nils Isnt that and isnt ever going to be. she can only cling to this one happy idea of the future, and thats why she keeps chasing him, self fulfilling the actuality of her situation and creating and fostering the unhappy life they will inevitably live together.

and that bleeds into everything else in her life, of course, because as the years go on, as the visions grow in number it just makes sense for her to fall into the predictability of her life. she always knows whats going to happen, her visions are Never wrong- so why try to change things? shes had time to process tragedies days, weeks, months, years before they happen, shes had time to settle into every crack of her life. her parents divorce, her various break ups, her future with the psychonauts.

“and she's already seen so much of a future with [nils] she feels trapped almost. Like she has to be happy in it or else it just means her life is miserable. And it's a mixture of pride and fear of the unknown that keeps her clinging to the One thing she knows. BUT LIKE!!! She knows what's gonna happen! It's easier to grieve when she's been grieving for years... She wants so badly to be happy, But to do that she has to step into the unfamiliar. And that's more terrifying than staying the same miserable person she's always been.”

and thats where franke comes in— and yeah you Do have to take a lot of liberties for frankes character since it’s basically, like, all the info for her is just that shes a Supreme Baby Dyke but thats enough for me. i think she has protective butch itch in her . on campster shes defensive over other women evidenced in the way she keeps watch over the girls cabins for lili when elton is pursuing her . but shes also eager to please and constantly trying to make kitty laugh and also Very naive. but she tries! and i think it only solidifies more as she gets Older and really gets a hold of her feelings & her powers. this is incredibly franke to me

and i think as they grow older together— because i think franke and elka Do stay friends, both because elka is just pathetic and needs that positive connection even if she doesnt realize it and because i think franke is a very Loyal person & annoyingly persistent if you let her be . and i am also a kitty/franke truther. because kittys also important in this web we weave

because i think franke and kitty stay together after camp, to a point— theres a falling out facilitated on kittys end and they break up, but reconnect, and franke kind of... saves kitty from herself a little, from her strict military father whos love only extends thru finances , from her own stifling future , she drives all the way to bakersville in her shitty van handmedowned from her dad and they move in together eventually . they get jobs at the motherlobe , because it’s a pipeline to a decent job, because it’s whats easy, because franke doesn’t really have a future, because she’s never really been good at much, because shes never had much sense, because franke doesnt really care as long as she can live and help, sometimes, if she can, and because kitty’s there, and because elka’s there, and shes so used to being elkas eyes now and shes good at it. shes good at being the muscle of the missions when her colleagues lack it, when hypnosis and predictions arent enough. she likes it that way.

and elka appreciates frankes company. she listens, shes sweet, she does little things for her that no ones ever really put the effort for before; she likes her. franke is strong and bold and makes her laugh and shes always there but god elka cant let go of that future, of that box shes put herself in, that her mothers put her in, of being a Good Wife to a Loving Husband, of getting married normally and falling into unfailing familiarity. thats all shes ever wanted and shes not going to jeopardize that . not for franke, who may not be a boy but is handsome like one, whos always held her after every break up with nils and the men that filled empty days inbetween.

and elka is too stubborn to recognize those feelings anyway. too prideful to accept a way out. too set in her cycle no matter how much she hates it, her little self fulfilling tragedy of her own making, wallowing in her own doom. she struggles for control of her own life when she feels like every choice has been made for her anyway, she puts up her walls and carefully constructs what people see. but franke was always harder to trick, because while empathy isnt a particularly useful psychic power it’s certainly an inconvenient one. all franke has to do is get too close and all those carefully crafted walls fall apart, and elkas control is gone, and thats all she really has. and she tries to distance herself, really she does, but franke is also too persistent. and elka wears gloves, keeps contact that would make her walls crumble from happening as best as she can, but she cant really keep herself from the brief moments where she feels like someone actually fucking cares about her.

and that slightest lack of control, the need to wrestle it back is why she proposes to nils the next time theres a falling out— she knows how it happens, she plans every detail. and he accepts, despite everything. gets her a cheap ring and it feels like lead on her finger and its nothing at all like how shed thought it to be when she was a kid, theres no feather light feeling in her chest, only that dreadful reality that she cant turn this back. BUT WHAT CAN U DO LMAO

elka doesnt tell franke about this engagement until later, on their way back from a mission. late at night when neither of them can sleep, and franke invites elka to smoke in her van, because its been so long since theyve been alone like that, because elkas been so strangely absent lately. and because of everything, because frankes always so damn nice, because elka hates the feel of the ring on her finger, because she let herself get high alone with franke fucking athens whos always been so good at pulling her apart— the truth of it all spills out and its messy and emotional and she hates it, she hates the life shes made for herself, but franke makes it easier to bare and now shes here and shes so close and god she wishes she could see her smile again, she wishes she could see franke, thats all she needs right now and she cant but she can touch her and she can hold her and for tonight, she can be known, she can let those walls crumble, she can be something else just for once here with franke . she can kiss her here in this van, touch that happiness for just a moment, and forget the future that waits for her outside of it. franke begs her to forget the wedding, to just let herself be happy— and god, she wants to, but it means turning her back on everything shes known and everything shes saw to be inevitable, and franke has never been in her future, so if it were supposed to work out why hadnt she seen it and she cant, she cant take that risk but she can have this, even if its temporary, she can have it.

and just as soon as she gets a taste of it, its gone. after that night, after the missions over and theyre back at the motherlobe and have to pretend like nothing happened (franke doesnt, of course she tells kitty about it, she tells kitty about everything.) but that brief moment together haunts elka every time she sees franke, sees herself through frankes eyes, sees herself in her wedding dress because god its all franke can think about! of course it is! she knows how much elkas destroying herself she knows how much misery shes wallowing in that kiss in the van felt like an emotional punch to the teeth and she hasnt ever forgotten it and all she can do is sit and watch while elka throws herself into a loveless marriage. she can come to her wedding and see the way the bride and groom kiss with the emotional weight of a wet towel no matter how hard elka tries to hide it under a pretty dress and bouquets of flowers and meticulous planning.

and elka resents nils but she cant really hate him, its not his fault, not really. he feels trapped just like she does and his feelings of misery only cycle back into hers . they fight and gnash and wear away at each other and its a relationship thats crashed and burned a million times before elka even said i do. and its inevitable that she falls into her mothers habits, a sip of wine here and there to loosen up, until it turns to a glass, until it falls into a bottle on nights when whatever work nils does runs late.

but franke’s still there. shes always been there, hasn’t she? always trying to play knight, always trying to save her, dragging her home when shes stumbling over herself because god who else is going to do it but her? who else is left to care? certainly not nils. never nils. because franke knows her. because franke pities her. shes always pitied her. shes always known. and elka hates it, she resents it, but god in the same breath she’s desperate for it, she envies it to her very bones. elka is a mess but after frankes done with her she has someone to go back to that loves her. and god what elka wouldnt do to have that. to take it and keep it for herself because shes never ever got to have that movie romance shes always wanted.

so now comes this.

because elkas particularly miserable and particularly spiteful and she needs to get franke to understand, just for a moment, drink with her and get on her level and she needs her there with her no matter how her pity makes her feel. no matter how much it makes her shake with anger and envy and desperation, but god the way franke looks at her, the way she still tries to salvage what they have, the soft, slurred way she tells her that it’s okay but its not okay, none of this is okay, it never has been and she just wants franke to shut up and see that, and if she cant then she’ll show her, she’ll show her all the raw angry desperation, with too much teeth and hands that claw and grab and she’ll know why everyones always said she’s too much.

and she knows this puts her on nils’ level too. that this makes her a cheater, that shes no better than he is now. no better than her father and his affair. but god, she wants to be selfish. she wants to be in control. just for once. she wants to feel right and she wants to feel happy and she wants to feel loved. thats all shes ever wanted. and franke will let her have that, just for a little while, at the very least.

anyway. sorry. sorry for being crazy . this isnt even getting into the shit after the comic takes place . elkas stupid brainworld thag she has to overcome in order to finally be allowed in the polycule and live happily ever as worlds first lesbian divorceman

sorry for all the shit i make up instead of caring about actual characters with screentime . bye !

[ninyard]

nin reads the bonus chapters pt. 2 (TRK Edition)

Betsy's chapter (oh god this is basically going to be me quoting the whole thing)

Andrew pointed at him and turned a scandalized look on Betsy. "Working theory: Coach is allergic to sugar!" "How ghastly," Betsy said.

them! him looking at her like that. the banter between them. i love him i love her their dynamic is just my favourite thing ever pls

She half-expected him to sit as far from her as he could, but he took the chair at her side and spun his mug in lazy circles on the table.

sobbing. this is so soft

Andrew laughed and gave an exaggerated shrug, only to wince and reach for his bandaged temple. "Ouch," he complained cheerily, a second before digging his fingers hard into the gauze and tape. Betsy tapped the table in front of him in warning. He sighed like her request for restraint was unbearable but held onto the chair between his knees instead.

1) ouch. i feel ill 2) CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE TAPPING TO STOP HIM HURTING HIMSELF!!!!! CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW WE NEVER REALLY SEE ANDREW AS SOMEONE WHO HURTS HIMSELF BUT IN THIS CHAPTER WE DO?? IS IT BECAUSE HE CAN LET HIS GUARD DOWN IN FRONT OF HER?? IS IT SOMETHING SHE HAS TO STOP OFTEN??? PUKING 3) him holding onto the chair is so cute

Betsy kept her tone gentle like it would somehow make her next question less terrible: "Did you let them run a kit, Andrew?" "No choice, Bee." Andrew said, with a put-upon sigh.

PUKE

Betsy was less interested in his aggrieved front than she was in what his hands were doing: Andrew was dragging a thumb up and down his left forearm is short, agitated jerks. The force behind it would have torn skin if his sleeves weren't there to take the brunt of it. Betsy tapped the table again, and Andrew obediently reached for his mug with both hands.

PUKE_2

"You might not have noticed, but he and I look a lot alike! They'll look at him and see me, and we both know how little they think of me. Have to stack the deck in his favor somehow."

this hurts so badly. him doing the kit for aaron. him feeling like aaron's odds at getting out of this are fucked up because of him. him feeling like he has to do everything he can to fix this for aaron. PUKE_3

"I know how invasive a procedure it can be, especially on the heels of such violence." And there it was at last: A subtle chink in the armor his withdrawal was tearing away from him. In a year and a half of treating Andrew, she'd never seen him so still. [...] If she was kinder, she would leave it at that, but Andrew would react worse to being coddled than he would to what she needed to say.

PUKE_4 also,,, am i allowed to say how im obsessed with how accurate i've managed to get my fic about andrew and bee. like that last line hellooooo

"I don't imagine you allowed it last time." [...] How Andrew reacted - how much he would admit to, how much he would trust her in the wake of such trauma - was too important. "Oh, Bee," Andrew said, with a laugh she didn't at all believe. "You assume they were stupid enough to get caught."

why did she write this. was it specifically to hurt me because she won. it worked. also the fact that andrew feels comfortable enough around david to have this conversation with him in the room makes me feel insane

"Are you and Neil not getting along?" Betsy asked. David sent her a look of pained incredulity

he's like girl please don't tell me you ALSO haven't noticed. he literally can't believe he's the only one that's picked up on it. he's like youre his THERAPIST what do u mean are they not getting along

okay this next part i literally have so many thoughts i meant it when i said i was basically going to put this whole chapter here

"We have spent too much time together if you are so reckless," Andrew said, figeting with the bandages on his face again. "Lot of eyes, Bee, so many eyes. I do not think they will care about insomnia when they finally have the chance to nail us to the wall. Better safe than sorry, yes? They cannot keep him. I will not let them."

god once again the way he want to do everything he can to get aaron out of this whole situation. and just... him knowing how many people are going to be looking at him and reading him and everything just. hguhsudfusdfkgsd

Betsy put a finger to the tape at his cheekbone in silent questioning but waited until Andrew dropped his hand before trying to peel the gauze up. She sucked in a slow breath through gritted teeth at the stitches and bruises along his temple.

so gentle. so much trust and care and i feel SICK

"I didn't even get to keep it," Andrew complained. "How stingy. I've never tried brandy."

not him saying this about the bottle Drake hit him with. ANDREW

"You have done astoundigly well despite life's every attempt to crush you. I'm sorry," She said, trying and failing to catch his eye. "and I'm so, so proud of you."

sobbing

finally the words crawled out of him: "Everyone knows now, Bee." And that, she thought, was the harsh truth he would medicate to avoid processing. Not his uncle's betrayal or Drake's violence, but having his violation broadcast against his will to a family he wouldn't let go of and wouldn't let in. [...] Betsy would have gone to him if she wasn't so sure he would retreat.

SOBBING

"Who fears the monster that knows the taste of a whip?" Andrew asked.

literally puking. how beautiful and heartbreaking and such a horrible heartbreaking look into the way andrew views himself. this HUUURTS

"You could be their friend, their cousin, their brother. Don't you think you deserve that?" "Oh, Bee," Andrew said, a little too tired to be pitying. "With him on our heels?"

okay y'all gotta help me. is this about. drake? or like... who's him referring to

"Maybe letting her choose isn't the best idea." David said. Betsy put a hand over her heart. "David, you wound me." "Bee likes musicals," Andrew announced brightly, though David had found that out the hard way.

BETSY DAVID FRIENDSHIP I NEED ITTTTT

David waited until his back was turned before nodding an okay to Betsy. Trusting he would keep a discreet eye on her most precious charge, Betsy collected her keys and purse and left the house.

HER MOST PRECIOUS CHARGE

anyways! this chapter destroyed me and put me back together again! and i feel ILL after reading it! :D

[cameronspecial]

Burning Obsession

Pairing: OCD Episode

Pronouns: She/Her

Word Count: 0.9K

Summary: Sometimes Y/N can get caught in a compulsion and Rafe has to be there to lay his foot down.

Masterlist

The dishwasher beside the sink has not been used since Rafe started dating Y/N. Not when she needs to be the one washing the dishes because she can have more control over how they get clean. In her mind, if she is the one doing the dishes, then they can be as sanitized as she wants them to be. Rafe isn’t going to lie and say that it doesn’t worry him that she can spend an hour cleaning their dishes even though only two of them had dinner, but it helps ease her mind and he isn’t going to interfere if it doesn’t cause her any harm. They had just finished dinner and he helped her clear the dishes from the table. He sits at the kitchen island while she starts the washing. His offers to help are always waved away with the instruction that only she can clean them properly. Any normal person would worry about the steam coming from the sink; however, her dishwashing gloves are heat resistant so it reduces his fear. Everything is going as normal until he hears the constant squeak of the sponge against ceramic. This tells him that she is stuck in one of her compulsions. Something was probably crusted on the plate and now, she needs to wash it over and over again till the little switch in her brain tells her it is no longer a concern. He ignores his phone, observing her to make sure she is okay. The water splashes down the faucet and into the sink when the hot drops repeatedly lick her skin above the gloves, he has to intervene before she gets seriously burnt. 

He rushes to her side and turns off the faucet. Her head whips in his direction. She glares at him with the plate still in her hand. “I need to clean the dishes,” she urges, reaching for the tap. His hand gently wraps around her wrist to stop her. He turns her to face him, taking the plate out of her hand and placing it into the sink. She can feel his finger wedge between the rubber of her gloves and her skin so he can pull them off. Her resistance is placated when he pulls her into a hug. His lips press on her temple, “We need to get some cool water running over your forearm. I don’t want the burn to blister.” He turns on the water and leads her arm under the stream. She stays quiet through the whole interaction, thinking a million miles a minute about how to finish the cleaning. 

“Rafey, the stuff needs to be cleaned. I have to clean them. If they aren’t cleaned properly, then we might get sick from eating off them,” she begs. He shakes his head, “I love you, Baby, but I’ve let you do this long enough. I should’ve listened to your therapist. We are getting a cleaner in the morning.” It’s been long enough, so he removes her arm from under the water and pats it dry carefully with a towel. “No, no, Rafe, we both agreed that it was okay that I wash the dishes because I don’t get hurt,” she objects, taking her hand away from him. He sighs while heading to the fridge to get out the aloe vera, “And what do you call the burns that could’ve formed on your arms if I didn’t stop you? Baby, I know that water was scorching and you did nothing when it kept touching you.” “I had it under control. It was under control,” she insists in a frenzy. “I’m the only one who can clean it properly. You know that, Rafe. Only I can keep it safe.” Tears start to flow down her face and it kills him to see her in such a pain because of his words. He rests his palm against her cheek to wipe the tears with his thumb.

“Baby, I know this kills you. I understand that your brain is obsessing over the need to be able to protect us and to control that protection. And I want you to have that relief from that compulsion, but I will always do everything in my power to ensure your safety and well-being. What is happening now, does not follow those principles.”

He pauses to let her process the words and she tries to come up with a retort. He doesn’t let her because he needs to interrupt her anxious thoughts before they can dig deeper into her mind. “We will interview the candidates together and we can ask them to wash the dishes during the interview. Once we do hire someone, you can watch over their work. But getting a cleaner is non-negotiable.” Her breath hitches as she looks into his eyes. Everything he said makes sense and she knows their condition as to why they didn’t listen to Dr. Barnes has been broken today, but it doesn’t change the little voice in her head controlling her obsession. “O-only I can be the one to do it,” she pleads with a wobble to her voice. He kisses her forehead, “Baby, I recognize that the anxiety is causing this obsession and compulsion and I hate to cause you distress by going against it, but I need to set my foot down and give you some tough love at some point.” She exhales in defeat and nods. “Okay, let’s get a cleaner.” He bobs his head, tugging her into a hug. “I said those things because I love you and I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” he whispers into her ear. Her hold tightens, “I understand. I love you too. I think I might need to visit Dr. Barnes tomorrow. Will you sit in on the session with me?”

“Of course, I will be here every step of the way if you want me to.” 

Taglist: @winterrrnight @loves0phelia @thelomlisrafecameron @wickedlovely121 @thepatriarchykeychain @drewsmusee @starkowswife @maybankslover @forstarkey @loving-and-dreaming

[themenendezbrothers]

Lyle and Erik in their own words.

(partial transcript)

source: Netflix Menendez Brothers Documentary

ERIK MENENDEZ: I went to Dr. Oziel because I really wanted to kill myself. I told him that I was responsible. His response was to have Lyle come in.

LYLE MENEDEZ: He wanted one tape in which, at some point on tape, he told us "You guys, say you killed your parents." It wasn't like he was like, "Oh this is terrible" let me help you guys, and then we work through this in a confidential way. That's what a normal therapist would do. Dr. Oziel was right into blackmail. I was angry with Erik in the moment because I just couldn't believe he would think Dr. Oziel was a trustworthy figure. My father refused to hire Dr. Oziel unless he signed a document saying that everything that Erik told him he would relay to my father. And Dr. Oziel signed a document to that effect. My father chose this sleazy psychologist because it was the only psychologist who would be willing to waive confidentiality so his son couldn't actually confide in the doctor.

LYLE MENEDEZ: No. I never threatened Dr. Oziel. I don't go around threatening people. I had never had an act of violence in my life until my parents' shootings. I mean obviously, he wasn't feeling that threatened. He didn't go to the police and say I feel threatened. He knew that he could. He chose not to.

ERIK MENENDEZ: Lyle wrote me this emotional letter when I was in the county jail. Lyle couldn't express what he did in that letter in person. It was easier for him to put it on paper. He felt that telling the sick secrets of the family would be like killing my parents again. And he did not want to do it.

"I REFUSE TO GIVE UP. HE IS WATCHING AND I WILL NOT DISAPPOINT HIM. WE DID NOT DO ANYTHING FOR THE MONEY."

LYLE MENENDEZ: Ultimately it became clear that, particularly after they found that jail letter and there was no way around saying what happened. Because they had that note, they had a confession that we were responsible for my parents' deaths.

ERIK MENENDEZ: I was supposed to destroy that letter. But it was a precious letter to me. It was one of those moments where Lyle was really expressing his own pain. And I, I didn't want to just throw it away. Because that didn't happen often between us.

As a result of them finding this letter in the summer of 1990. We now had to confess to everyone. And having them have to relive not just my parents' deaths, but now knowing that we were responsible, was, heartbreaking. And really, a tragically painful conversation. I just said, I'm sorry. I'm so, so so sorry. I will understand if you no longer love me and no longer want me in your life. "WE ALONE KNOW THE TRUTH"

LYLE MENENDEZ: Was just very tragic for me personally. That something that I was doing to try to keep a secret for coming out - was the reason Erik my brother then said and, and Leslie… well now you have to. Your obsession with keeping this thing secret caused you to write this thing that the prosecution have got their hands on and now you have to tell why. I remember pleading with my brother not to let Leslie Abramson take him down that road.

ERIK MENENDEZ: Leslie was an extremely smart and wise woman. She knew that we were keeping really horrible secrets. And, I needed to get to an emotional space where I could talk about what happened.

ERIK MENENDEZ: When I first met Dr. Vicary, I saw him as another Dr. Oziel. I didn't know who to trust. And I had my brother telling me "Don't trust any of them."

LYLE MENENDEZ: I would much rather lose the murder trial than talk about our past and what had happened.

LYLE MENENDEZ: People who have such small contact with my father saying "this was the most intimidating worst human I've met in my whole life." So thats why there was zero character witnesses on my parents' behalf. Why couldn't you find that one person? Because they don't exist.'

LYLE MENEDEZ: You know, the sports parent to some degree is a classical thing. But my father took it really to an extraordinary level. Because by the time I was eleven, he had decided that I needed to focus on Tennis. My father's strong belief was it would weaken my game to play a weaker player. I would not play with Erik. So Erik was weaker. Now Erik could train and play with me and get better but my father really didn't care about that.

ERIK MENENDEZ: He loved us but he believed that love needed to be earned. So, to be loved by him, we had to be worthy of that love and often that meant going through pain.

ERIK MENENDEZ: One of the misconceptions is that I did not love my father or love my mother. Uh, That is the farthest thing from the truth. I miss my mother tremendously. I wish that I could go back and talk to her. And give her a hug and tell her I love her and I wanted her to love me and be happy with me, and be happy that I was her son. And feel that joy and that connection. And I just want that. It's more difficult with my father. To me, as a boy, he was more than just a man. He was like the modern version of an ancient Greek God. He was different than any man I had ever met. And I simply idolized him. I wanted to be like him. But he was rarely a dad.

ERIK MENENDEZ: In time, Dr. Vicary revealed himself to be a kind compassionate gentle person. Letting me sit in silence until I felt safe enough to speak. It was Dr. Vicary.

And Dr. Burgess that I ended up slowly just coming clean and, telling everything that happened.

Dr. William Vicary

[calware]

post about me. i added pictures to keep it interesting

i've had a problem for most of my life that i'm currently visualizing as a gray dorito poking into me. it's frustrating, inconvenient, difficult to deal with, and overall makes everything suck a little. many people have told me that this problem is most likely adhd, such as my therapist in high school who said it was "textbook." unfortunately, she was just a therapist, not a psychiatrist, and therefore wasn't actually qualified to diagnose me with anything. this was in 2021 when there were no child psychiatrists in my area accepting new patients (thanks, covid), so instead my doctor gave me a few adhd meds at differing doses to see if any of them stuck (i had literally no reaction to Any of them) and the whole thing went nowhere

so, is the problem actually adhd? i'm an adult now and could pay several hundred dollars (of my parent's money) to get a proper test, but it would make no difference as my issues would not be solved by adhd medication (maybe. i'm worried i somehow messed it up) or any form of accommodations. i don't want to ask my parents to pay for something that likely won't have much impact (and my mom wouldn't be fully convinced anyway. both parents are pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me). i want to know, but the time and money don't justify it. so the best solution i have is to keep going, keep learning which lifestyle changes to make and how to "work smarter". i'll be okay. and i say that with sincerity

whoops, forgot my glasses here. this is another gray dorito-shaped problem, only this one is much smaller. i rarely notice it, and when i do, it's superficial. it's only gotten genuinely bad twice in my life. it's my paranoia, obsessiveness, and, on occasion, compulsions that follow those obsessions. now, i know what you're thinking, which is that it kind of sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. frankly, from my understanding, my issue is so negligible that it doesn't qualify as OCD. like i said, it barely affects me. it still bothers me that it's there, though. i do my best to deal with it, letting my thoughts pass as they come to me and not trying not to give into/breaking out of compulsions, but i just don't want it there at all

this is another thing i could see a therapist about, but does a problem this small really justify the time and expenses of seeing a professional? not in my case (not for me, at least. don't apply this to your own problems if you genuinely want to seek professional help)

i have a goal to have enough disposable income later in life to justify paying a scientist to pick through my brain for my own amusement. because, despite no substantial foreseeable improvements to my mental health after getting a psych evaluation, i still find the idea to be really exciting. i have a strong desire to understand how my mind works, how my brain ticks, why i am the person i am. that's how i know that if i ever played sburb, id have the heart aspect (that's right. you thought that this was just a personal post on my homestuck blog that had nothing to do with homestuck. do you really think i would do that? make off-topic posts solely about me on a homestuck blog? look, i even remembered to draw my glasses this time and i made them homestuck glasses. because i care about you guys) and i am vain and self-centered enough to desperately want someone with a phd to talk about me for an hour. and no, i don't need a therapist to tell me why that is, i already figured that one out allllll on my own

[doingthisfortherapydotcom]

Cipher Log #1

AXO: Log 1, patient Cipher, Bill. Do you consent to the recording and publishing of today’s session to your blog still?

BILL: yep.

AXO: Wonderful, how are you doing today? Now that you’ve spent some time here at the theraprism, are you enjoying your stay?

BILL: it’s been just peachy.

AXO: Would you care to elaborate and share?

BILL: nope.

AXO: If there is an issue with your stay, all you need is say and we can make changes within the day

BILL: Here’s an idea! Open up the front door! Let some fresh air in and liven the place up! Set some of these smelly prisoners on the loose so I can finally get some personal space! Not anything you would know about, Mr. Sicko. I know you’re always spying on me and it’s a real pain in the hypotenuse. Or better yet! Let me out! You and I both know this whole therapy thing is a lost cause on me so why don’t we skip all this hum drum and just let me go already? I’ll even pinky promise to not destroy any dimensions this time!

AXO: Is there a reason you hate the theraprism so much? If you gave it a chance you might be surprised at what it can become. Many use it as a crutch.

BILL: Ha! This guy, why do I hate the theraprism? WHY DO I HATE THE THERAPRISM? We had a deal and you tricked me. You’re no better than— than—You said you were going to put me through a trial. Test my metal against something, really see what these bricks are made of! And instead you swept me up in a coocoo house full of little cry babies who never stopped needing mama and complete freaks who’d never really change from your mind games! How’s it feel to be the lamest, most USELESS god in all of the multiverse? Hahahaha

AXO: Many trials are beyond physical strength, worth is found beyond in wit and heart, what’s inside will take you to greater length. This is needed if you’re to find footing in a brand new start.

BILL: you purposefully kept the details of the deal vague so that you had leeway to do whatever you wanted. It would be smiling upon you right now.

AXO: I reflected how you chose to make deals in the past; it was not my intention to deceive you but build you into something that will last.

BILL: Build me into something that will last..? Cmon, I don’t need to tell you how creepy that is. You are WAY too invested in my life. We’ve got a word for that on tumblr and it’s called PARASOCIAL. Admit it, you’re just obsessed with me~

AXO: You are prone to self-destruct, so with some luck, I can help you unlearn these patterns and become unstuck.

BILL: Yeah, yeah, whatever you say~ all I’m hearing is how madly obsessed you are with me~ honestly, I’m flattered! But you really need to work on how you show it. This is just embarrassing. It’s not a good look.

AXO: ..so do you have any requests for today’s session?

BILL: I don’t hear any denial! You’re totally obsessed, don’t worry frills, your secret’s safe with me and the entire internet!

AXO: Do you have any requests for today’s session.

BILL: ..yeah. For it to be over already. I want to leave.

AXO: …how about the blog? You seem to have fun from my monitor’s log. Have you made any friends with time you’d spend?

BILL: It’s not as good as my book but it’s good enough, it gets the job done. Do you really think I do this for friendship?

AXO: I’m happy to hear it. And yes, I have it noted down that you are greatly motivated by attention, and that you struggle to find it here in our detention.

BILL: Obsessed~ wait heyyy- what gives? I get too much attention from you and your therapists.

AXO: I mean from other patients. I’ve watched them push and throw you from your attitude; it’s audacious

BILL: Hey! Me and the guys are finnneee, that’s just how we hang! Never figured out how to let loose and have fun, ay Frills?

AXO: They backed you into a corner and hit you til you cried and tried to leave. Staff had to break it up to give you reprieve.

BILL: I had those guys on the frits! They just got a few lucky hits in is all. Your staff stepped in at the worst moment, if those goons just let me keep going I would’ve given them all the Vorvitox one-two knockout!

AXO: The point is, being in good social standing is important for many species and Euclydeans are no different, according to my thesis. It brings feelings of content.

BILL: Oh according to its THESIS it says. I’d love to know how you researched a long dead race without me when I’m the last one of them alive. Unless you’re totally omnipotent there’s no way you could know anything about me—

AXO: Now that’s just not true, now is it?

AXO: Your twin is still alive and in our facility. He provides plenty of information of novelty.

BILL: Keep Will out of your fish-stinking mouth. I don’t want to talk about him. He’s dead to me.

AXO: My staff reported that you’ve been irritable since learning about your brother’s presence. You’ve been ignoring his wishes to leave him alone so I believe we should discuss boundaries and their importance.

BILL: he doesn’t get to have those—

AXO: why not?

BILL: Because he’s different! He’s my twin brother— you know how twins work on Euclydia? They’re born one shape and break apart after birth. We came from each other. We’ve shared everything since the beginning he doesn’t just get to take that away from me!

AXO: I see.

BILL: Seriously, who does he think he is telling me no? The guy’s never been a hardshell once ever in his life even when it really mattered, he doesn’t get to start now.

AXO: You said your brother was dead to you, but now lots of feelings spring up out of the blue.

BILL: Yeah, well- he cut me off so he might as well be dead to me!

AXO: It must be difficult being separated from someone who’s been so close to you, and then be denied the reunion for so long you’ve waited.

BILL: Haha, difficult? Will’s been nothing but difficult.

AXO: So I know this must be hard to hear. It’s normal and healthy to have some separation. If you allow it, Will may let you near. But for you, this new dynamic will take concentration.

BILL: Yeah, right.

AXO: You see, when we have some separation, we set ourselves free. Sharing too much causes burn out, resentment, and doubt. Have you ever been annoyed by him, even when he wasn’t trying? This happens from sharing too much and to get that space he may resort to deceit and lying.

BILL: oh Will is always annoying. He cries a lot, whines and complains and never does anything about the things that upset him, but always has something snarky to say when I do something about it. But he’s still mine, he doesn’t get to just run off without me whenever he wants.

AXO: Hm… what would happen if you let him?

BILL: ..he wouldn’t come back. He’d leave me and never come back.

AXO: Why wouldn’t he come back on his own whim?

BILL: Because… because- that’s just how he is. He’s selfish and doesn’t think about what other shapes want.

AXO: Like how you aren’t considering what he wants?

BILL: This is different!

AXO: how so? You seem to be complaining of the very story you act out, just in different fonts.

BILL: He’s mine. My brother, my twin, my last remaining family. He has to stick by my side and do what I say

AXO: But you are also his last remaining family. How come you don’t do as he says happily?

BILL: Hey I’ll do what he asks of me. He asks for something, I get it for him. I take good care of my own but he’s never known what to do or say! He’s always been someone who follows the crowd and doesn’t think for himself. He needs that direction and I’m the guy to give it to him. Thats how it’s always been.

AXO: I see. Now while that may have been true in the past, you’ve been around long enough to know these things don’t last. This is changing for Will and he’s letting you know, but you must give him that room to grow.

BILL: ..oh I get it now.

AXO: Yes?

BILL: You’re corrupting him.

AXO: No.

BILL: YOU’RE CORRUPTING HIM! YOU’RE CHANGING HIM INTO SOMEONE HES NOT. ITS JUST LIKE WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO DO TO ME! WELL LISTEN UP, FRILLS, ITS NOT GONNA WORK THIS TIME. THIS IS HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN AND THIS IS HOW IT WILL ALWAYS BE TIL THE END OF TIME. get away from him.

AXO: Now Bill, there’s no need to yell—

BILL: STAY AWAY FROM WILL.

AXO: is there a reason you’re under a threatened spell?

BILL: THIS IS JUST LIKE EUCLYDIA ALL OVER AGAIN. IM GOING TO FIND HIM AND IM GOING TO TALK TO HIM. YOU CANT STOP ME.

AXO: Bill wait- we aren’t finished yet—

BILL: I DONT CARE!

AXO: …we’ll try this again next week. One day you will be all set. You’ll have the happy life you seek.

AXO: This concludes today’s session. This is patient Cipher, Bill, log 1. Next week we’ll have to work on his aggression.

[periwinkla]

haha I’m back again haha-

If there was one thing you could change about the ace attorney story what would it be?

Personally it would be having the gap between where Phoenix and miles were in contact be a lot shorter. Because sometimes people forget Phoenix kinda stalked miles, they knew eachother for like a few months when they were 9 years old! So it is kinda creepy that Phoenix just stopped everything for him because he “looked sad.” The thing is we don’t even have confirmation that Phoenix tried contacting him. It would also make more sense if they were constantly talking to each other and it just stopped. Phoenix would have a better reason for the going into law school for a friend then “hE wAs sAd.” It’s honestly insane that nobody actually questions this for more than a minute! Like yeah, it’s the ace attorney universe. But are you telling me that no one thought “oh my god that is absolutely insane you need to talk to a therapist!” Anyways tell me what you think!

Haha hello again, anon :) (a few SOJ spoilers for the 1st paragraph) I don't think I would change any major event, but... I think I would change the way Trucy's relationship (or lack thereof) with some characters is depicted. Apart from the final SOJ scene with Edgeworth, it feels like Trucy doesn't have much of a relationship with the first trilogy's characters. In SOJ Maya doesn't mention her at all, even though it would make sense to have a dialogue with her asking Phoenix how his daughter was doing.... so maybe, if I were to change any part of the story, it would be for Edgeworth to notice she stuck in his suitcase a bit earlier so that she can take part in 6-5 at least. What she was even doing throughout the whole mayhem still baffles me... please don't tell me she was in the suitcase the whole time... I understand your point, although at least for me it just represents a character flaw & relationship flaw, and I find it interesting. I don't think it's something that's ever treated as a 'normal' decision in-game, either (Maya is flabbergasted when he tells her the reason he became a lawyer, for example). It shows how easily he gets attached to people and obsessed with saving them. It's an actual problem he has as a character. Also the class trial sells to me the narrative that Phoenix was a bit of an outcast in childhood (he had only Larry as a friend which is also mentioned to have had a not-so-good childhood).  And in such a circumstance there was this one person to stick out for him so vehemently. Then he sees that same person - someone he saw as a hero - in a newspaper depicted as a demon who would do anything for a guilty verdict, and he can’t accept it. Phoenix does this to an extreme degree, but he does everything in his life to extreme degrees, really. And it seems like to him, as long as he gets to save people, nothing is a big deal. Like ‘yeah this is just a thing I need to do to save that person’. It’s no biggie to change life paths to save someone, it’s no biggie to swallow a necklace, it’s no biggie crossing a bridge on fire, it’s no biggie adopting a kid at 26 when your life is in shambles. I like that Phoenix and Miles’s relationship is not an idyllic love story thing. Phoenix’s tendency to get too attached, obsessed, and fixated on saving people is one of his character flaws, which is something he needs to work on. Miles’s tendency to self-isolate and do everything by himself contrasts with that and they both need to learn from each other, really. Both are incredibly unhealthy. What drives this point home is 2-4 for me, because Phoenix makes Miles’s death all about himself, like it’s somehow his responsibility. When it really isn’t. Miles had to take some time for himself and figure himself out. It’s the way he did it that was wrong. They’re both wrong here.

By the way Phoenix confirms he tried to contact him, we just don't know the 'how'. I suspect he may have just phoned/sent something to the Prosecutor's office, but who knows. Miles didn't reply, regardless. Unless he sent like, dozens of stuff to the Prosecutor's office, I wouldn't define that as stalking; he also never even tries to be in his vicinity if not in the courtroom. By his logic, he only can get through to him via the law, after all. By showing him and reminding him what Miles himself taught him as children. That's why he became a defense attorney and not something like... I dunno, a detective? Would have been easier to talk to him if they worked together, no? But that wasn't the point. He wanted to inspire Miles to go back to being the person who inspired him when they were children. That's my understanding, anyway. (also I like to consider the fact that the whole Dahlia fiasco reminded him of the feeling of being accused, but I'd ramble so I'll stop here... there's a lot behind his decision to become a lawyer) I do think it would have been nice if they had at least a few more months together as children though. In the game it’s ambiguous when the class trial takes place (and the JP school year starts in April) so initially I had thought they were friends for something like 8ish months… but in the anime it’s set in September. To me this may imply that Phoenix didn’t have a nice childhood either; maybe it wasn't tragic, but he was lonely enough that he hanged on the memory of those 3-4ish months because those were his most precious ones. It’s… sad.

P.S. Sorry if I rambled too much anon, I tend to overanalyze stuff.

[dontdoxarya]

I don’t believe in Favorite Person shit.

Or rather it is HEAVILY MISUNDERSTOOD. I WILL STAND ON THAT.

It often seems like people see a favorite person being a Favorite person because of who THEY are as a person. Like… their traits or how they make you feel. I fucking disagree.

After a whole deep dive into my brain (no substances FWIW). Just good ol radical acceptance. It’s fucking bullshit.

I’ve had FPs I didn’t even like. Or I hated. Or just barely knew.

Why? Because a FP has nothing to do with them. It’s not about who they are what they are like. Not about what they make you feel as an individual.

It is all about externalizing your brain trauma onto them.

If you are fucking lonely. ANYONE who represents proof that the little voice in your head; your history; were wrong. You will gobble that shit up.

Oh you wish you had… yeah. Now this person is that thing. You aren’t actually even looking at a person. You are looking at a concept in your head.

If you had shitty unavailable parents. You aren’t loving the person who IS available. You are just trying to prove to yourself that you didn’t deserve unavailability. “Yay…. There’s tangible proof that my parents were bad and I didn’t deserve any of it.”

Cause it’s BORDERLINE. BPD. BORDERLINE.

There is no “IM SO HAPPY MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN IT WAS.” Nope. “We are fixed. Look! People like us. We are fixed.” I promise you that shit will happen outside of “people” you “know”.

A hookup that felt safe? Yeah. Sorry look at this sign that you didn’t desereve the abuse you dealt with. HAHAHAHAHHAHH BRAIN. You were so wrong.

You’ll do it with non-people too.

Cats. Fucking cats.

“My cat sat with my roommate today. He got bored of me.” Nah. That’s a fucking cat. Bitch doesn’t speak. Just says meow. “She doesn’t like me. My room just has a view of birds” oi. What are are you on about. That’s not a person.

When you are miserable in your job. Your hobbies will become your personality.

Anything to self-soothe and tell yourself you are okay.

Cause there can only be one. Only one thing.

If something loves you neverendingly. If you love one thing non stop?

That’s your proof. You have proved whatever it is wrong.

Instead of obsessing over just the symptoms. Ask yourself why.

“Why can’t I placate myself?”

“Why can’t I be happy when people aren’t available 24/7?”

“What can I do to love myself better?”

Nothing and no one can fix you. Make you not hate yourself.

Im sorry love. I really am. I don’t want to break your bubble.

It’s not about “people leave”. That’s defeatist and sad. Nihilistic even.

But you can’t keep papering over cracks your whole life. You can’t stay stuck fixing symptoms when a route cause exists.

Instead of asking “why that person.” Ask “why that behavior.”

The person is just a person who cares for you. That’s it. There is NO DEEPER MEANING TO EXPLORE. They love you. So they support you.

So why is it you can’t accept it?

Why can’t you trust it?

Why can’t you be that person for yourself?

Make peace with the fact that no one can meet those BPD needs for you. No one but you. It will take support from community and therapists and whatever.

But putting in the legwork is on you.

You have to be willing to grow.

And if you can’t do it for yourself? Do it for people around you. No amount of people can force you to love yourself.

I say that as someone surrounded by love.

No amount of sex can make you feel attractive. Deep in your bones. Doesn’t matter how many hot women find me pretty. If I hate myself I hate myself.

Your goal can’t be to not see a “favorite person” as that anymore. Cause you will make someone else that person later.

It has to be to move past having them. Past the obsession over having your needs met. It’s okay to say “thanks for meeting me needs. Talk to you later.” It ain’t that deep. Everyone has their needs met by people they care about.

I’m sorry that you didn’t growing up. But yeah…

Im out of shit to say.

This was either deeply profound.

Or extremely benign.

Or worse. Preachy.

Genuinely? Let me know