#it’s too late to be awake rn
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I need someone to be the djspookyjim to my blurryface like NOW.
#jules is not an orange#cuz I'm so anxiety n shit I need someone who loves me and is also mentally screwed up#spookyface#joshler#twenty one pilots#I just think I'm a little too in love with blurry actually#its too late for this#jules should not be awake rn
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ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
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i really like the idea of tailsunami (platonic or romantic idc but i love the name for their dynamic) bc i think in a way befriending tails IS a way of healing for kit. as of the latest issue, while yes kit is looking for people to be codependent with, i think it’s interesting how notably he seeks out “powerful people” (sonic), and then later when he sees tails with sonic he says to sonic “why would you need me when you have him.” i think he doesn’t really see tails as “legitimate” in a way bc he thinks they fill the same “sidekick” role and as such don’t matter outside of it. and so kit later on connecting with and caring about tails- while def will cause codependency issues like every one of kit’s relationships- has the potential to be healing in a fundamental way. anyway i love ur thoughts and would love to hear them if u want, but no pressure!!
I have been thinking all weekend about Tails and Kit actually getting to sit down and have a conservation about the whole sidekick thing because this is so true. To Kit, a sidekick is a tool, someone that the much stronger hero uses to further their own goals. And so when he sees Tails and realizes that him and Sonic are equals, partners even, it shakes him up a bit. Sonic and Tails don't need each other in the same way that Surge and Kit do, and I think understanding the difference would be really healing for Kit.
#i can't coherently get all of my thoughts out rn bc i've only been awake for maybe an hour?#but i have been thinking about these too a lot lately so thank you for the ask#kit does seem much more likely to get reformed and much more likely to get along with his 'rival'#so i'm excited to see what happens in and after issue 67 with surge and kit joining the restoration#idk. maybe kit and tails get to have that sidekick conversation#kit the fennec#kitsunami the fennec#miles tails prower#kittails#tailsunami#asked and answered
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hi mutual you broke ultra containment. there’s a screenshot of your echidna post on reddit
WHAT.
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While you'd think the relationship would have moved at a truly glacial pace, once together, it's only eh....five or six months before Samuels comes back to their flat with an actual honest-to-god engagement ring. Logically, they're living together, they've exchanged words of intentions for this to be a long term relationship, so he figures he should do this the proper human way.
Unfortunately, Amanda balks at the concept of being/engaged/ because what the fuck, Chris, (not counting cryo) I haven't known you for a year yet??? Poor thing assumes her distaste is because he grossly misread their situation and his place in her life. She has to stress to him that it's not him, not the color of his blood ("Amy, it's not really blood,") just that its awfully fast. Its enough to calm him down but he's still embarrassed, and then the horror of having to return the ring occurs to him and--
"Why would you return it?"
"You said--"
"Hold on to it, for a little while." She never wanted to be anyone's wife, anyone's mother, anyone's possession...But if anyone on the planet would understand the hesitation she had with commitment, it would be the man she helped carve company logos out his fingerprints.
"Do you mean it?"
It breaks her heart, the way he's beaming at her like she actually accepted instead of requesting an extension, but his sheer /joy/ is infectious. He's like her, so very dry and to the point, their shared sense of humor is subtle, sarcastic, and often dark--yet she cracks, and she's giggling. Samuels can't laugh: almost no synthetic can by design, it's too complex of a biological process to bother mimicking but she knows if he could, he'd be joining her.
He over thinks how long "a while" is and goes through a monthly crisis, takes to carrying the ring in his coat, but never asking out of fear it hasn't been long enough. Amanda finds it there one day about four months later, while looking for a missing key. Christopher finds her sitting on the bedroom floor, glassy eyed, coat over her knees, twisting the ring around (of course it fits perfectly he probably laser measured her hands)
"If...you want, you can keep it on." Amanda nods slowly, the realization of the 'yes' sinking in belatedly she she has to stand shakily to hug him. Tightly.
#ripuels#alien isolation#ive misses them so much#like theres an actual novel im writing rn and a couple other ships that rotate but THESE TWO....#theyre always lurking#sometimes i rotate thru characters in my head at night to see what theyre up to#most often theyve just ended their day#and amanda is showering off the grime of work and chris is making her dinner#while the tv reports a news story about some debate about synthetics and he only half listens#more than anything it reminds him not to forget the coolant in the freezer and amanda walks out of thr bathroom with her hair wet#barefoot and in an oversized band shirt and a pair of his boxers#he smiles a little. not at her long bare legs or her obvious lack of a bra but bc he likes her hair down#she makes a remark about the news story and he deflects it with some dark humor#she walks past him to the fridge for a beer and they play a board game over dinner that amanda has never won even though chris swears#its just chance and no skill#they stay up too late and go to bed and nearly pass out immediately#amanda stays awake just long enough to make sure Chris's charger is working#and then falls asleep while he reads a book ii the dark
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Oh fuck me fuckme fuck me
#I'm going to start killing people#I need SLEEPY TYLENOL NOWWWWWWW#Mfer laying in bed for 8 hours full awake 🫠 eyes shut. Brain. ACTIVE#IM TRYING SO HARD TO SLEEP JUST BE UNCONSCIOUS#Too late now#Fuck me I have to be aware enough to not kill everybody in this vehicle#Mfing murder nightmare too what the fuck#Set the scene: YouTuber wedding#The man in charge of filming is an asshole to the minimum wage people working there#Like real mean. And one meek guy tries to tell the groom but the groom is kinda a dismissive asshole about it bc he's already paid the guy#So it's too late now. Meek guy keeps getting disrespected and storms out to the parking lot to just leave#Woman who has been witnessing this apparently is gonna kill on meek guys behalf. He does not want this#Woman gets into a fucked up death machine car and drives it into the groom#But not like. Runs him over. There's a fucking saw blade on the front that starts cutting through the bottom of his torso#He was screaming a lot. I'm not sure if he survived or not. But the atmosphere was not fun#Very muddy desaturated colors. Very wet and musty feeling. It was like almost a parking garage#I don't think I'll ever have a dream as scary as the um time-looping cannibal beach dream#But this was just the delightful cherry of not being able to sleep at fucking. ALL .#Literally cried I'm so distressed about not being able to control anything about myself rn#Hhhhh :(((#3rd night in a row I've slept like shit
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G-Dragon Releases Comeback Single 'POWER,' Announces EMPIRE Signing
#he's up to many things and so am I#31/10/2024 su fucking eventful like i just had a 4h nao in the last 48H of hectic fucking days and woke 46mins late to his release#but im awake now hahah#kwon jiyong#gdragon#what is empire#do i have to start giffing too? where are his mv gifs? 🥲#i mean i cann start giffing now cause ive started freelancing but life is still a storm r#*rn
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The moment when your different social medias all show you the same post originating from Hellsite, on the same day, is when you know:
Your Chakras are aligned and you can finally become the avatar, master of all four elements
#its 1 am as i type this#i am so tired#i have uni at 7 tmr#i should not be awake rn#birbblurbs#shitpost#late night post#i saw the same#batman#post 3 separate times across insta tiktok and tumblr today#twas a good post too#worth seeing that many times
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brothers I am stacked with work but I can't for the life of me do any of it. I just had to look for pictures on pinterest but I gave up and fell asleep 🥲
#the solution would be to skip school but I end up just not doing anything even then#I literally feel paralysed lateky#my mind wants to do everything#instead I just lay in bed and scroll social media#but its gotten to a point where i come on tumblr and i just scroll the same posts over and over bc it doesnt even matter what im looking at#i just dont wwnt to think or feel anything and if my hands are occupied my mind is too#and my mind is just so busy lately i find it hard to listen to music too#i keep on restarting the songs bc i constantly zone out#but i keep on zoning out xd#its no good#I love bttt#but i feel like the fantasy wolrd i created around them is crumbling slowly and im being faced w. reality and idk what to do#i want to stay happy with my bros and i will but#ye whatever i will#i just need to fix myself a bit#but idk how to bc skipping school doesnt help going to school makes jt worse#whatever i just go to sleep🥰#or ill stay awake and watch some bt tours#and then ill do this task in the morning#procrastinating pissing rn brb
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how unfortunate that i have two hyperfixations, several side interests, and a load of homework all clamoring at the same time for priority in my brain
#it’s so frustrating rn because yeah i do have to get some online coursework done so I don’t fail this class#but i ALSO want to relax before to go to bed#so what do i do?#(after i finish another module)#i could start heartstopper season 2 or i could make progress on the book i started today or i could watch a mission impossible movie#or i could watch a greta gerwig movie or i could start that tv show starring rebecca ferguson#there’s no WRONG choice but i want to do it all#& at the same time therefore this feeling that i have to watch things at the ‘right’ time in order to achieve maximum enjoyment#so like. that’s setting me back too because i want to reach maximum enjoyment for all these things#my gut feeling is to just start watching silo since i’m already obsessed with rebecca anyway#and if i watch mission i’d have to start from the first movie which she’s not in (until the fifth movie)#and i’ve been consuming so much alice oseman content lately i feel like i need to take a small break before i watch heartstopper s2#and my book… well i am in a rush to finish it because i have to get through all my library books before i move#but it could probably wait until tomorrow#idk maybe i’ll watch an episode of silo and then read a few chapters if i’m still awake enough#wow this is such a rambly post i’m so sorry#belle speaks
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Doin bad again folx
#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable#summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400#literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all#not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due#able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much#my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one#i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts#nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops#I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness#I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too#bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that#+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me#my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life#on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them#currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn#I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief#but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors#despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee#Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse#fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn#mine#txt#vent post#suicidal ideation tw#<- cry for help
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day 3 successsss☮️🧡☮️🧡
#frankly im too awake rn i am sleepy but i got home late so it feels earlier idk.#so there was the vague thought of well a drinky drink would make me sleeby byes but it's fine ill just go to bed#diary
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:/
#food and weight talk ig. just in case. but#i would love to know wtf happened to make me like this rn..#had a lot of food for dinner last night and now I’m laying here awake like. okay so I can’t eat anything today#like. i know why this is happening. it’s because I’ve been getting my weight taken a lot recently bc of all my dr appts#so it’s just. made me Super aware of it as a number which has always been bad for me#but it’s also. gender dysphoria. and just general feelings of self consciousness about my body that I’ve always had#but just feel so Heightened lately. like the last month or so it’s been so so so bad#and I’m just so stressed about other things that everything is just exacerbated so like. idk my brain has latched onto this#and it’s… really hard to shake. i keep restricting what I eat bc if I then eat too much I feel guilty about it#thoughts like this have been beating at my skull for the last like 2 years bc of dr appts and stuff. and I guess it’s just finally reached#a head that makes me wanna disappear into nothing#last night I think was the first day in 2 weeks or so I didn’t go to bed hungry bc I actually ate enough. and that makes me feel Bad#i say things
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and they still ended w saturday <333 peace n love in fababoi world fob forever mwah
#time to go pass the FUCK out i love u the like four other ppl also awake for this rn#i will Not be staying up tomorrow bc it is too late for me and. i bet the set will be the same but. it twas fun tonight <3#txt
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listening to more mbmbam again and I have to say that like… the people who like. loudly and vehemently hate travis esp to the point of wishing their was some sort of excuse to take him off the podcast have definitely been treating real people like fictional characters for too long. how do you keep listening if you hate 1/3 of the whole thing.
#not to say that you can’t dislike him or someone in a show you like or whatever.#go off. live your hater life.#but it’s also weird to see (a couple too many) ppl wish some real life person they hate did something ‘cancellable’#in like. any context. why do you need someone to be a scumbag to justify disliking the#also also. like. I’m sorry if any of them severely fucked up there’s probably not going to be like. My Brother And Me.#like that’s probably it. podcast over.#it’s 1 AM and this podcast is all I can listen to rn. still awake from being at work late.#I’m not here to argue also I AM here to say ur a weirdo <3 but only a little bit. probably.
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"Oh man, i've successfully stayed awake over night, so i finally have a good chance at fixing my sleep schedule! How about i go to sleep at 10PM instead of 2AM this time?"
Mom brings a bunch of papers to fill out, lots of confusion ensues over contents, almost lost patience and partially started yelling
Overview lost over constant complaining, didn't get to think, tried to search online, but instructions left in utter chaos
no respecting personal space or order, bed messed up, entering without warning
couldn't afford distractions, tabs of videos left unwatched, music interrupted
stuff left in my room, i had to put it away (temporarily?)
got hungry halfway through, thought i had time to myself, but not really
Needed to take notes, equally as unclear as everything else
cats left in my room without consent, tired of making more exceptions, left with time lost, easily avoidable chaos left to organize, lost fur to clean up, mood left in rock bottom
nevermind, mom came in again, sorted last situations, bed messed up again
Final time: past 2AM
No wonder i can't fix my sleep >=(
#I FFFFING HATE DISRUPTIONS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY EXISTENCE!!!!#Screw you mum for coming up with such obligations so late at night#should i stay awake another night?#too angry to go to sleep#i want to burn something#how do i do that without troubles?#i'll go listening to metal music rn
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