#i just need to fix myself a bit
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brothers I am stacked with work but I can't for the life of me do any of it. I just had to look for pictures on pinterest but I gave up and fell asleep 🥲
#the solution would be to skip school but I end up just not doing anything even then#I literally feel paralysed lateky#my mind wants to do everything#instead I just lay in bed and scroll social media#but its gotten to a point where i come on tumblr and i just scroll the same posts over and over bc it doesnt even matter what im looking at#i just dont wwnt to think or feel anything and if my hands are occupied my mind is too#and my mind is just so busy lately i find it hard to listen to music too#i keep on restarting the songs bc i constantly zone out#but i keep on zoning out xd#its no good#I love bttt#but i feel like the fantasy wolrd i created around them is crumbling slowly and im being faced w. reality and idk what to do#i want to stay happy with my bros and i will but#ye whatever i will#i just need to fix myself a bit#but idk how to bc skipping school doesnt help going to school makes jt worse#whatever i just go to sleep🥰#or ill stay awake and watch some bt tours#and then ill do this task in the morning#procrastinating pissing rn brb
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perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:
does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies
#when i tell you every single resource i’ve ever found or tried to get through or anyone i’ve ever asked#has been just so. mean about it#not even intentionally#not always at least#but there’s so much inherent shame tied to being late to things or being a person who used to be late to things#that i don’t think people can untie that from their ‘helpful tips’#it’s all ‘i used to also be a lazy uncaring piece of shit! you don’t have to be a horrible wretched loser anymore!’ and it’s like. okay.#you see how that’s not helping. right.#making me feel worse about it is NEVER helpful. i promise you i already have tortured myself over it FARRR more than any ‘on time’ person#ever had#this has been a comic i’ve been stewing on for ages as well but. well there’s of course the shame#idk it’s something that people are always despicably mean about bc fundamentally people who have never struggled with it#see it as a personal choice to be late#and as something one needs to just ‘try harder’ to fix. and that if you don’t#you inherently don’t care about other people’s time or even other people in general#and that feels horrible! it feels really bad!!#i mean i’ve got it from EVERYONE. disability allies. other adhd folks. disability resource offices#it’s something that nobody ever cares to acknowledge or try to accommodate for#bc time blindness and exec dysfunction are NEVER taken seriously as disabilities. they’re always always viewed as a personal failing#and i’m sick and tired of it. bc all this does is make people struggling with this Hate themselves#and worry endlessly that maybe they Are selfish and actually Don’t care about anyone else#there’s a bit too much here to keep in the tags i should really do the comic for adhd awareness month
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dipping my foot into the fandom with some outfits for they :)
#batman#tim drake#cassandra cain#stephanie brown#ough posting arts everyones favorite and hitting it off with such bangers as contextless lineups :thumbsups: i have to force myself to actu#tully draw them someonhow. otherwise id just imagine drawing them for the 100000ths time. its fun tho :))#(nno you cant totally tell its my first time drawing them)#anyhow just some notes cause i like sharing!#forever torn about casses clothes because i am at war with if shed only wear practical clothing with no excees clothing to always be prepar#d for a fight or to go with more comfy clothes because shes finally free and settling in with the reality that she dosent always need to fi#ht#stephs a bit to pastel but i think she should get to have fun she needs it my babygirl is unwell probably but im sure a cute shirt and funk#bracelets will fix her#also please apprictae tims shitty tshirt its so silly to me#also yes skating protective gear and while i think he also wouldnt use them its also so funny to me so like fight me you know#anyhow!#the giirrrllllsss (plus tim)
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I hope this isn't weird but I've been reading this by @batmanisagatewaydrug and I had like the sudden, strongest urge to make art properly for the first time in ages, so uhhhh have some Jessie (or Jess? Can I call her Jess because I love her?) who is a terrible wet cat of a woman!
I wanted to get this done fast and human anatomy is not my forte so I traced a picture of Natalie in the City, who's a fashion blogger and has some cute fits, though no supervillain ones as far as I'm aware :3
#ham art#i think jessie lies wetly fixed my art block?#after i started this it motivated me to finish off a little comic that's been in my drafts forever and post it and i've got anime fanart#rotating in my mind now! :D maybe i'll even finish off my valentine's unburied art from last year#also i know the tiny underboob window's wrong because she wears a bra that would render that salacious little bit of skin invisible#but i just could not resist#i hope i've done her justice!#jessie is the coolest and awfulest and i love her she's so fun to read thank u op#also i've come to the realization that if i'm just having fun drawing i don't actually have to do the parts that aren't fun i can skip that#if i find drawing human proportions and perspective in general stressful and just wanted to do the fun outfits and face/makeup and hair#i can do that! this is like. a hobby. so i don't need to laboriously force myself to get better at anatomy if i don't wanna#also also i was so pleased that i guessed ricochet's colouring correctly on the first try! (except i missed the freckles)
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will be cosplaying saiki for halloween!! this will prob be the outfit i just drew the picture so u have an idea as to to what it’ll look like together ^^
#hair is pink rn just a bit grown out so i don’t have to dye it#only thing is i have rlly bad eyesight so i wont be able to wear the fake green glasses a lot mostly for pictures#i made the pins myself last year (when i also dressed up as saiki)#i just need to fix them up for this one#very excited!!!#im not sure if ill post any pictures so this will be it for now 🫡#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#amndees
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New game interest unlocked
(crow in bottom right belongs to @patchwork-crow-writes)
#ramarl#phantasy star online#long tag warning lol i rambled#so i was introduced to phantasy star online#i think its safe to say i really enjoy the game#thank you mr crow for showing me this game :D i have new creatures to scribble now#there shall be more of these doodles#i promise you that#meant to post this wayyyyy earlier today but uh#my car broke down :') ....again :')#last week it wouldn't turn on and the headlights weren't working so we were like ''ok this is a battery issue and i need a new one''#because jumping the car didnt fix it#so we took my old battery to a shop and they tested its charge before showing us which new one we should get#but the battery had charge???????? so we went back home to troubleshoot#and then found the hooks(?idk what they're called) that connected the battery to the car had something corroded on them#so we grabbed a can of coke and scrubbed away#hooked the battery back up and bam car was working#so the issue was those hooks#until two days ago when my car didnt work again#looked at the battery again and the hooks came loose; tightened them up and bam car working again#and now at this point I'm scared to go anywhere cause what if i get stranded on my own??#so this morning i said ''alright I'm gonna drive myself to church just to be sure that my car works''#AND WOULD YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENED#at this point i just wish the damn battery was dead and that i could replace it and move on from this#i know they're a bit pricey but jesus this is exhausting#but i can't just buy a new battery if im not sure that's the actual problem because then I'd have a battery and nothing to do with it#i hate having a car sometimes i just want a bus system#or a jeep#but preferably a bus system#sorry rambles thats a long way of saying i didnt post this earlier because ive been working on my car lol
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2023 United States Grand Prix - Sprint - Fernando Alonso
#making these as cope for the mental damage i received today#I HATE THIS OLD MAN!! STOP MAKING ME SAD!!!#and also stop looking so fucking sexy while you're depressed god damn#ASTONNNNNN FIX YOUR CAR!!!!#my fav moment of this wknd actutally was when my dad(known fernando stan) texted me after quali:#'they brought upgrades? more like fucking downgrades.'#im havinf fun dw!!! it just sucks a lot that my guy isnt doing well :(#killing myself out in the heat and my guy isnt even in the top 10 UGHHHHHHHHH#also guys the america hat is so ugly and expensive...but i kinda want it...should i buy it#i need to buy some nando or osc merch to feel fufilled this wknd hahaha so lmk :)#fernando alonso#f1#formula 1#2023 us gp#2023 us grand prix#2023 united states grand prix#223 united states gp#fa14#we do a little bit of f1
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quick photo studies before bed (1h 50m). 📸-> scott lesh
#wrestling#ref studies#i needed to trick myself into focusing on something besides ''the horrors'' for a bit -_-#ohhhh theres still so many things to fix... but no. i put it down. its bedtime. i concede#while formatting this post i tabbed back into csp for 10 more mins to adjust swerve's elbow in the first image#and i prolly need to do that in the second one too...#always surprised at how irl forearms and legs are thinner than i expect them to be#clearly i draw too many stout cartoons#hmmgngnhh... it is rough art and just a photostudy... maybe i wont put it in their tags...
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when characters have poofy messy but otherwise straight hair, i like to headcanon that their hair is actually naturally wavy/curly and they just don't know how to/don't care to take proper care of it. bc irl that is often the case (speaking from personal experience)
#eliot posts#*looks back at my younger self who didn't know their hair was wavy just thought it was Bad*#i was fuckin. walking around with hair poofed up like a mix between a founding father and a startled cat#and with a halo of frizz at all times#older relatives would call it nappy or ratty and suggest i cut it off or get a relaxer treatment done on it#(sidenote a bit ago i learned that apparently ''nappy'' is usually a racialized term tho i myself am white)#fascinating that they knew that straightening treatments would ''fix'' my hair but did not actually know my hair was wavy#i wore my hair real long back then too so it was constantly tangled lol#memories of being a kid and my dad having to basically corner me to brush my hair in the morning before school#my mother would bitch about my hair being too long when i was a kid and sometimes TRICK ME into getting it cut shoulder length#but then when i was an older teen and wanted it cut real short she FORBADE ME from going any shorter than a bob???#so i just left it super long til i moved out and then chopped it all off and sold it to a wigmaker for a $300 profit lmao#now that it's short tho the wave pattern is very minimal#part bc of the way i style it part bc it's just a 2b wave pattern so you need a bit of length before the waves start getting really defined#anyway like. looks at catra and eda. let me get u some good conditioner and a wide toothed comb bby
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FINALLY
#coil#this is the final stretch unironically. all of the writing in this chapter has ultimately been about getting up to this point#this initial ending of my thoughts that i was going to do in chapter 2#also sayori's back yayyyy!#i have a catastrophic amount of editing of the parts leading up here to do because i did cut some corners here and there#and do want my quality to be consistent and to be able to make it all work#but i finally found my transitioning point#and just need to fix it all up#then i can finally just bring it home by writing additional dialogue#which will still take a while. but it finally looks like i'll be able to finish this project before the year ends#i'll probably take a small break after. or i'll throw myself head first into something else#i'll actually probably finish some other pieces of content i've wanted to make before i finish coil#but i finally got to the stopping point i've been trying to reach for weeks#things are moving along! yippeeeeee#i'll be doing a full read through again to really make sure all the quality is up to standard and that it all flows but you know how it is#i have a few other things i want to focus on finishing before the year ends on top of this so that'll be something else on the burners#but the rest of this should be a whole lot smoother from here#i want to let myself flourish for these bits so i feel proud and accomplished and good about finishing this finally#but this has involved a lot of bashing my head against a wall so inevitably that will take time as i cool myself back down#beta reading will happen soonish.
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fic where Bobby, for some reason, becomes a demon and it's like a fucked up version of that scene from twilight breaking dawn where Crowley is watching him figure out how to do cool demon shit.
and later, Crowley calls up the boys to reintroduce them to "Robert."
and Dean's like "Who the hell is Robert?"
and Bobby steps forward in whatever vessel he's gotten himself and says "What, you idjits don't recognize me?"
and Sam and Dean are too shocked to say anything.
#and then later they fix him or whatever idk#i just think bobby should get to be cool and sexy and evil for a while#(i mean he's already cool and sexy but the evil bit would make him even more so)#i might actually write this?#but i feel like first i need to rewatch the show and refamiliarize myself with the lore so i know exactly what i'm flagrantly disregarding#crobby#crowley#bobby singer#spn#supernatural#fanfic ideas
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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my phone is poisoning me i need to put it down
#idk why my adhd suddenly magnified by like 1000x in the past week but i Need to fix myself until this semester is over#guys if im a little less active than usual on here its bc im trying to be a good girl and live my life#<- don’t worry though because it wont work and im terrible at that#but please cheer me on and remind me to get the hell off of this site when im on here 😭#i wanna practice good study habits and i need to study ahead early for my finals agghhh#it just sucks bc im so tired of taking notes man. why am i spending an hour typing shit i won’t remember about a topic i don’t need to know#anyway this is a bit of a vent post i guess#im just starting to feel worse catholic guilt over my tumblr addiction bc finals week
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Why do titles have to be a thing? A quick glance at my masterlist will prove that I do not enjoy doing it and mostly don't bother. I either leave them out entirely or it's like one word lol. I got lucky with Threads, the title for that hit me like a bolt of lightning and then I never looked back.
But I've been trying to come up with one for Arrie's story all day. I even spent an unfortunate amount of time sprawled across my bed, staring at the ceiling, just thinking like somehow it'd come to me in a flash of inspiration.
It did not.
In the meantime, I'm making good progress on the editing again so at least there's that. Trying to decide if I want to do profile posts for the new OCs before or after they're introduced in the story itself. Four newbies who have significant roles, one who is only mentioned by name, and one who makes an extremely brief appearance.
Also lately been thinking about Ciaran's story in general because it has three other OCs that I am also fond of... and one of them in particular has been on my mind lately.
BUT ANYWAY. The goal is to finish Arrie's story by the end of the month! I'm so determined to actually do it! But that means I also need a title 😭
#this is mostly just me talking to myself#because titles are hard and I wanted to complain#I also need to fix my masterlist#it's a bit of a mess#and is missing a lot of stuff#I will get to it all I swear#obey me oc#misc oc arsenios#misc mc ciaran#nonsense posting#misc rambles
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im sorry i really shouldnt have said all that. i fucked up
#ill delete those posts in a little bit#im jusy tired#i need to stop publicly venting#i just dont have any other outlet#rather hurt myself psychologically than physically tbh#its whatever#maybe i do need to srart isolating myself. for real this time#maybe that will finally fix things#ghhh#delete later
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need a private tumblr to be an outlet for feelings had while activisming
#look. i know how to do things effectively i'm telling ya#but it's gonna take a whole bunch of ranting to get there first#and something inherent about activism that's actually effective is taking on care for other people's emotions#who are doubtless in much worse situations than me! but at the same time i have feelings and traumas that get triggered#and i have things i need to process and sort through in order to do my imperfect best. when you're in desperation you want more and i can't#blame you for that. but harm reduction also involves optimisation in a sense of how much harm i can personally reduce#and exposure to some things actually REDUCES that and i need to have somewhere to hold space for my emotions processing it#so i either decide fuck it and just post it here and know people are gonna get hurt from the insensitivity and there's no use explaining#unfortunately i have a suicidal ideation trigger at someone being in need and not being able to help them. maybe i can post about that?#somewhere in the limbo of this is not 'okay' per se but the best i can do is better than nothing. we all come together to stand up#against oppressors and shit. but there's emergency aid needed and it really does make me want to die very very quickly#which obviously i cannot get a job and actually help if I do. as in more than unemployment levels of generosity help#and while i can rattle on and on a bit about how our need for aid has the markings of capitalism (need for constant growth/supply)#it's not the fault of people trapped in that who don't have any other way out#sometimes i need to step back and find ways I CAN simplify my life in community to have more to be able to give when needed#because i can't do that for other people but i can for myself#and then i sound self righteous for doing it so i can be generous? so i can not feel helpless and want to die? there's no winning#i am the person who sees someone complain and thinks i immediately need to fix it for them. there's a good chance i will always be#and then i won't realise it but the empathy is the thing that's keeping me depressed and frozen but keeping me alive as well#and honestly i've lived like that for years. i don't have anything but my sometimes pitiful activism to like. enjoy life or whatever#and i do what i always do. one step in front of the other. pray for provision. choose between therapy and donation why am i so caught#up in that? problem solve. what are the needs and what are the other ways of solving them? share it to facebook? i don't know#i'll get there but i really need a job and i need to get a bit better so i can work. that day is gonna come it's just. the meantime sucks
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