#it’s so hard to make him look scary because I’ve done everything in my power to make him cute LOL

[puppyeared]

he’s ok guys (frm here <3)

[vidjausers-fable]

Pen Pals(Veneer X OC)Chapter 7

Author’s Note: This would have been posted earlier but with the storms my power went out for a few hours. I had attempted to drive my friend home and a tree had fallen down near her home, knocking the power lines down. We turned around immediately and went back to my home. Stay safe and stay warm out there! I want to give thanks to my bestie and beta reader, @tinalbion <3

Previous chapter

***

Veneer settled in the chair across the table. The atmosphere was uncomfortable, and his brain kept telling him that he wanted to run away from the situation. He could feel Avery’s eyes staring at him, and it didn’t make him feel any better. When he shifted in his chair and made himself as comfortable as he could in this type of situation, he looked up and read Avery’s grim expression. Her face was that of disapproval. He knew this wouldn’t work out. None of it would. 

“So yeah…I guess you know who I am then if you’re looking at me like that…” He drummed his fingers nervously into his lap. “And I guess you’re not very happy about it.”

Avery couldn’t believe it. Veneer couldn’t recognize her? Of course he wouldn’t…Why would he memorize a single fan over the thousands he had back then? Had Avery been the same as she was before that night, then maybe she would feel more disappointed than she felt right now. But also…Veneer was a fraud and had scammed everyone. He had fooled everyone in Mount Rageous along with his sister into believing that they could sing because of a Troll they very nearly killed in the process. Avery remembered seeing the speech where Veneer had exposed themselves at their own concert, but also remembered that she was at work that night and didn’t care too much about what happened to the two. 

“Yeah, uh…I remember who you are. I’m just a little speechless seeing you right now. You’re not a Samson. You’re Veneer, ex superstar. This isn’t a joke, is it?”

Veneer raised his hands defensively. “No! No! I swear. I’m Samson. I just used a pseudonym so I wouldn’t be rejected because of my name…But I regret it so much.” He rambled, “I didn’t lie about anything else, just my name. I swear it, Avery.” He held a hand over his chest.

He still couldn’t tell who she was. 

“So everything else you told me was real?” Avery questioned suspiciously, unsure if she should believe him. “Every single thing that you sent me in those letters was absolutely one hundred percent true?”

Veneer nodded. “Yeah…So the interest in fashion, the sketchbooks, doing good here…That’s all real. I made a huge mistake listening to my sister and I’ve been working really hard to right the wrongs I committed against Mount Rageous. I’ve been learning a lot here, and Dr. Graham thought it would be good for me to join the Pen Pal Program to help me get back into the real world. I fell in love talking to you, and the last thing I’ve ever wanted to do was disappoint you. That’s why I wanted to confront you in person and let you see me before I told you my real name. I was feeling really guilty about using a fake name in the first place. I hope you can give me a chance, Avery…I have been loving to get to know someone as a person again and be myself…” He rubbed his hand. 

Avery saw the remorse on his face and how truly he meant these words as he said them. If he was a man of lies, he wouldn’t have exposed himself and his sister to the world and would keep manipulating people. She thought hard and realized that she…she didn’t feel manipulated at all. Sure, she would have loved to know the person she had been talking to in the first place, but she understood why he had done what he did. She knew that if she saw she was writing to Veneer in the first place, then she probably wouldn’t have given him the second chance he had been craving. He didn’t deserve that.

“...I think I still need a moment to process this…” Avery pressed her fingers against her temples. “But I can see why you didn’t tell me right away. It must be scary being on the other side of things.” She slowly began to unwrap the food she had brought for the two of them, Veneer watching her closely. “I think I would do the same thing if I were in your shoes. I want to give you—Veneer—a chance, but you have to promise me that you’ve got to tell me things from now on. I fell in love with talking to Samson too, not because of his name but his personality and actions. Samson is you, and I think that maybe you do deserve a chance.” She slid the sandwich over to Veneer and smiled warmly at him. “But I don’t want to be lied to anymore. OK?”

Veneer couldn’t believe his ears. Avery…Avery didn’t reject him! He gratefully took a bite out of his sandwich, which tasted a little like freedom, making him want to cry. “I really appreciate that, Avery…More than you think.”

“Can…Can I ask you something though? If you don’t mind?”

Veneer nodded. “Yeah, you can ask me anything. I think I owe that to you at least.”

“You probably don’t but…do you recognize me? We met a while back when you were—uh famous? I was at one of your concerts at the Boom Box and I met you personally when I caught your t-shirt in the crowd. You had been so nice to me, and that’s why I really admired you. You always seemed nicer than your sister. I can see why you’re doing so well here.”

Veneer blinked once and then twice. He took a long look at her face before he noticed the features and realized they had been familiar. “Oh yeah! I remember you…But I had never caught your name. I remember looking out in the hallway for you but you had already gone…You never sent me those pictures, though.” He slowly ate at the chips Avery brought him. He got chips here, but it was the cheap healthy kind. 

Avery nodded solemnly, trying to push those memories out of her mind. “Yeah, I had accidentally forgotten my phone when I took a last trip to the bar. I think someone stole it. It was long gone when I went back to look for it.” Avery felt a small pang of guilt. She was technically lying to Veneer, as if she hadn’t just made him promise to never lie to her again. Then again, she didn’t want to get in trouble with Rivers if a little rumor about her lip syncing made its way around. She knew that the fraud would come after her first and she dreaded having to deal with her again. Maybe that’s also why she was okay with jumping on and taking another chance with Veneer, too…It’s not like she was perfect either. 

“Are you alright?” Veneer waved a hand in front of her face, snapping her out of her thoughts. “You look like you’re far away in thought right now.”

Avery nodded. “Yeah, a lot happened that night and I wish I hadn’t lost my phone.” She smiled, but it was a sad smile. “Otherwise I would have sent you those photos. Despite what happened with you and Velvet—I think we looked cute in those.”

Veneer blushed. “How do you…feel about all of that? Knowing what I did?”

“I wouldn’t say I was exactly happy. I did spend a lot of money going to those concerts.” As she said those words, she hated the sad expression that came across Veneer’s face, even if what she said needed to be brought up, “But there had been a huge refund to everyone who had proof of old concert tickets, and I eventually got mine. I’m just glad that you owned up to your mistake, even if it was a huge one. You said your sister was here with you, didn’t you? Velvet’s here in this facility?”

“Uh huh.” Veneer groaned and leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed, “And she drives me absolutely INSANE, I’ll be honest. She was really bad coming here at first. She destroyed stuff, and made others feel like crap, me included. She was a full-on entitled brat. I was totally embarrassed to be her twin, especially since I’m basically the female equivalent of her. We’re the total opposites.”

“What’s she up to now?” Avery leaned back in her chair, comfortable though wishing they were sitting in bean bags right now. That would be peak comfort. “Has she been behaving better than when you guys were first sent here?”

“Actually, yeah. But I can’t tell if it’s an act or not. She pretty much forced me to be in on her therapy appointments with my counselor by saying she’d only do it if I was there. It’s been not fun lately.” Avery noticed as his hands made silly gestures as he talked, pretty much expressive with his body as he spoke, “And now she’s in Anger Management class. But I think she’s doing better at least. She doesn’t yell as much as she used to.” 

Avery had no clue Velvet would be acting the way she was. There was a pang of empathy in her chest, and she felt for the male even more. He probably dealt with a lot with himself alone, but also to carry the burdens of his sister. That sounded like a lot…

“Well, I hope that you’re putting yourself first.” Reaching across the table, she linked her fingers with Veneers. The male’s eyes widened and his cheeks blushed as he saw how perfectly their fingers linked together on the table. It had been a long time since he had felt a kind touch and this…It was perfect. He loved it. Secretly. 

Veneer stuttered as he responded, “I, well, uh…I am. I’m trying at least. It gets hard some days, but my journal is my best friend. The one you got me! I draft my letters there and also my thoughts. It helps me collect myself so I can feel better.”

“That’s great, Veneer!” Avery cheered for him, her free hand raised confidently, “I should do the same thing. Sometimes it just gets hard. When I’m feeling things in the moment, I just get more frustrated and tear the pages out…” 

“Have you tried to breathe first? I know those breathing exercises sound stupid and cheesy, but Dr. Graham tells me that they help regulate your nervous system, enough to calm down and think properly. Or even chewing on ice. When you’re calmed down, that’s when you should start writing your thoughts. It’s helped me a lot when I learned about that, especially at my lowest…What’s that…look for?” He saw how wide her eyes were on him. 

“Not-Nothing!” Avery pulled both her hands away, waving them defensively as she did so, “Sorry I was just…amazed because I would have never thought of that. I’m just admiring you. That’s all. Sorry if it came off as rude.” She rubbed the back of her neck. 

The two of them were blushing messes. Avery looked at Veneer first and smiled. “Speaking of journals…Did you bring your sketchbook, like promised?” She bounced excitedly, scooting closer to the table. The way she leaned both her hands on her cheeks and eyed him in wonder made Veneer aware of how really cute this woman was. 

Veneer swallowed the lump in his throat. He reached beside him and picked his sketchbook up from next to his foot and put it on the table. He laid his hands on top of the cover of the sketchbook defensively. “I…I’ve been drawing a lot. It’s clothes, but also sometimes I go back and sketch the photos you sent to me. It really helps me feel better and it’s a great distraction for me here. I’m not the best—”

Avery interrupted him, “Are you KIDDING me?” She huffed, “I’ve seen your artwork before and I’m so in love with it. Every sketch just gets better and your passion is just blinding.” Avery smiled at him, reaching her hand back out to him, her palm facing up this time. Veneer blushed when his hand touched hers again, sending jitters down his spine. Avery led his hand away from the sketchbook, his other one opening to the first page, which he used to test out different supplies directly onto the paper. It helped him with the first-page perfectionism. He closed his hand around hers, holding her hand once again. 

The two of them held hands as he flipped through the pages and explained each one. Avery started memorizing the sketches of clothes and imagined what they would look like on real-life models. The man clearly didn’t recognize his own skill or potential. She wished she could do something to help him realize that potential.

“Oh Veneer, these are so good! Can I see them closer?” She asked for his consent before she took the sketchbook into her hands, flipping back through the pages he had shown her. The smile on her face was infectious. “They’re amazing and it’s like I can actually see these being made.”

“Real…Really?” he asked and copied her smile, “I told you once, but I hope that somewhere will accept me into fashion school…I always loved picking the outfits for Velvet and me when we were famous, but I didn’t realize how much deeper it was than that.” He smiled and took the sketchbook when Avery gave it back. 

“I think I should get you some colored pencils. These would look so much better with color.”

“Sometimes, I get to color them, but I don’t have my own colored pencils to take back to my cell. Depending on who’s out in the rec room, we’re not allowed to have sharp objects. So, if you could, I wouldn’t say no, but I won’t ask you.”

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to ask! Colored pencils can be cheap. I don’t mind getting you some.”

“I’ll draw you lots of things then.” Veneer grinned.

The door cracked open and Veneer’s guard poked his body in. There was a surge of fear in his stomach, thinking that their time together was up, until the guard said, “You have thirty more minutes, just to warn you.” Then he left. 

Avery’s shoulders slumped. Had that much time passed already? “Damn…The time really flew by…I don’t want to go.”

“Trust me, girl, I want you to take me with you.” Veneer laughed nervously, “But I would rather not ruin this good streak I’ve been on. I get out faster that way.”

“How much longer do you have here? Is there any way to get out on good behavior?” Avery took the sandwich leftovers and put them into her back, wiping crumbs off her black shirt. 

Veneer nodded. “Actually, yeah, but it can still take a bit. There’s a rule though: You have to have a home lined up for you before you. I…I haven’t heard from my parents, and I don’t blame them, so I’m not sure where I’ll go. I have some money, but not a lot. I could get a small apartment.”

As if there was a draft in the room, Avery shuddered. The night she had been kicked out by Rivers, it had been so cold. Avery couldn’t imagine Veneer leaving this place, cold and unsure of what to do. She didn’t want that to happen. So, there was an idea in her head: would it be weird to offer Veneer her own home? There she went again, thinking too far ahead. Veneer still had some things to prove to her before she could even think about letting him move in with her. So, she chose to not bring it up for now.

“Awh, well you’ll let me know if they contact you back, will you? I would hate for you to be stuck here just because you don’t have somewhere to go.”

“Yeah, I have maybe two months, especially if I don’t screw up. I don’t imagine that happening though. I just hope to hear back from my parents sometime soon…We’ve talked A LOT about me today though, I want to hear a bit about you before you have to go.”

“Well, I think it’s because I’ve already told you so much about me in the letters. I did bring these for you.” She smiled as she slid pictures of her babies across the table.

“Awe, the big hammies…Are these photos for me?”

“Yeah! To keep. I wish you could see them in real life though. They’re so cute and fluffy. When they beg for treats, they’re just adorable.”

“I can’t wait to sketch some of these photos. Did you bring any photos of the place you work at?” 

Avery shook her head. “No, but I can’t bring some for next time…” She offered. 

The two spent the rest of the time talking, laughing, and generally enjoying each other’s presence. For the first time in a long time, Veneer felt normal, and that things would be alright. That he would be able to make it out of the facility alive, and maybe even be happy. Thanks to Avery. 

Veneer stood. “Hey, is it okay if I hug you?” He opened his arms, in case she wanted to. When she stood from her chair, he didn’t realize how short she really was. She only reached his chest as she stepped forward and hugged him. He wrapped his long arms around her, not wanting to let go of her for a single second. This visit far exceeded his expectations and he was glad he followed through and didn’t chicken out. 

“Thanks for being my friend…” he whispered to Avery, his cheek pressed against her hair. 

Avery smiled as she pulled away from him. Her hands were still wrapped around him, her hands resting against his sides. “And thank you for being my friend. I was wondering if maybe we can make a small arrangement—?”

“An arrangement? Like what?”

“Like…” Her nose wrinkled as she took a moment to think about it, “I still want to send letters, but I want to be able to SEE you and talk to you too. So, we send letters with art and pictures now and then, and maybe every week if we can, and then visit now and then?”

Oh, Veneer wanted to cry hearing that. “I would LOVE that, Avery. I think I can do it every week, as long as you can.” He smiled down at her, finally pulling away when the door opened again, showing the guard from earlier. Both of them felt disappointed and didn’t want to leave. 

“Time’s up, kids. I hope the meeting went well.” He looked the two of them up and down, then stepped out of the way, allowing for them to step out, “Veneer, you first.” 

Veneer stepped out and gave a final look at Avery, “Oh, and Avery…I just wanted to let you know…I want to pay you back, no matter what. I don’t care if they gave you all your money back, but I want to do it too. Mark my words, I’ll give you back everything…”

“Oh Veneer…”

Avery watched as the guard put his hand on Veneer’s shoulder and guided him away from the door. Avery poked her head out the door and watched as they turned the corner and out of sight. She didn’t know where to go, so she waited for someone to come fetch her. That same guard returned and guided her out the door. Stacie was still at the desk and read a magazine now, not giving the young woman a glance as she left. 

Avery’s heart was pumping wildly, and there was adrenaline going through her. She took out her phone and her first instinct was to call Rivers. She shrugged that thought away and pulled up Gracie, texting her instead. 

Girl! Something interesting just happened. Can I come to talk to you?

***

Veneer was taken back to his cell, where the guard led him back in. He was breathless as he dropped onto his bed, flopping onto his back. He stared up at the stripped mattress above him, his cheeks redder than tomatoes. He still memorized Avery’s scent. It was strange, but it wasn’t that he hated it. It was the smell of a floral presume covering up the scent of grease and pizza. He wished he could play the lunch over, not to change anything but to experience it for a second time. Avery was making him go through these feelings that he had never experienced before. Suddenly, he felt as though he needed to talk to someone—anyone. Maybe he could catch his sister at dinner. 

Veneer had a few hours to kill before dinner, so he sat at his desk, looking through the latest magazine Avery had bought for him, just filled to the brim with inspiration as he sketched away, not realizing he was planning matching outfits for himself and her. As he looked at his sketches, he realized that yes—she was right. He needed more colors in his drawings! Maybe he wouldn’t feel so bad about letting Avery buy him the colored pencils as a gift, though wanted to make sure that she didn’t feel obligated to buy him anything ever. 

Many thoughts circulated in his mind. He couldn’t believe that she had been the one who wanted to call and visit him now. Since they had met and probably felt more comfortable with each other, he wouldn’t hesitate to ask her if she wanted to join him on his supervised outing. It wasn’t required for her to be there, but he wanted to have the experience with her, and now he felt confident that she would say yes. With their next visit or call, he would ask her. Dr. Graham would be thrilled to hear the news, and he wondered if his sister would too, or if she would blow up at him. If her anger management classes were working correctly, then maybe he didn’t have much to worry about. 

When it was closer to time for dinner, Veneer held onto the bars of the cell, waiting for the guard to come back up the hallway with the others to take them all the dinner. He leaned his head against the bars to angle himself and see down the hallway better, trying to catch a glimpse of the guard. Sure enough, he caught a glimpse and stepped back so he wouldn’t appear desperate to get out that day, even though he really was. 

Veneer contained his excitement all the way to the cafeteria. He grabbed a tray of some sort of processed salisbury steak meal and scanned the room for his sister. He always looked toward the back at the window. His sister liked to sit there the most because she enjoyed looking out the window. It was her way of tasting freedom. She was alone, per usual, and he came to sit across from her. 

Velvet barely glanced at him for five seconds, eating some cheesy mashed potatoes on her plate, hardly touching the obviously fake meat. “So, did you get rejected or not? Go on, tell me.”

Veneer squirmed excitedly and anxiously. He held his hands together, trying to contain the excitement to avoid getting his sister all flustered. “It actually…WENT REALLY WELL! Of course, Avery was very disappointed at first, but I think she warmed right up to me! She brought me these delicious sandwiches, and we talked the whole two hours though it didn’t really feel that long. She promised to stay in contact and try to visit me more.” He waited and watched his sister closely, ready but also not ready for whatever reaction she was about to display. 

Velvet put her spork down and slowly looked up to her brother. At first, Veneer was unable to gauge her reaction and worried she was about to have a meltdown. Velvet instead glumly leaned on her fist, casting her eyes down at the table. “Is there a way…you can help me get to that point?” 

Veneer was taken aback. “Point…? What point?’ he asked. 

“That I can have someone to talk to as well. This dump is annoying and I don’t have anyone else but you to talk to.” 

Blinking in shock, Veneer’s mouth hung ajar slightly. “I mean…Yeah, I can try. I got mine with good behavior.” He smiled fondly at his sister, watching as she pushed around the food on her plate as though she was trying to hide her true feelings. “But I know you’ll get there, Velvet. I’ll help you through it, I promise.” For the first time since they had been arrested, Veneer truly felt connected to his sister.

Finally, Velvet met his gaze. “Do you still want to watch Desperate Housewives with me after dinner?”

Veneer reached across the table and put his hand over his sister’s. “Of course! I love watching that with you, Velvet…”

The siblings shared the last few bites of their food together. Something felt different for the two of them that day, and it was a good and welcoming sensation. 

[rembytem]

Dan’s First Full Moon

Content warning for:

-graphic violence

-blood

-animal violence

-death

Kevin triple-checks his inventory and runs through anything he might potentially need as well. As the full moon approached, Kevin anxiously demanded he pick Dan up for his friend’s first transformation. He felt and still feels incredibly responsible for Dan becoming a bitten werewolf so he’s going to do everything in his power to keep Dan safe from himself.

They had been talking after Dan’s impromptu hospital visit about the wonderful and scary new changes his body will go through. Kevin joked that it felt like explaining puberty except with more teeth and fur in the hopes it would lighten the mood. Thankfully, Dan replied with another joke. Kevin warned Dan of the sensitivity to light, sound, and smell as his eyes, ears, and nose adjust to the lycanthropy. His nose especially will make it hard to be outside because of the onslaught of new smells all at once.

“Sometimes you’ll feel really lonely. That’s normal so don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family. That’s the wolf in you trying to find comfort in a pack,” Kevin explained on a call one night. “Next time you visit, I’ll teach you about pack life and we can howl together to strengthen pack bond. If you don’t mind that I consider you part of my pack that is,” Kevin feels embarrassed for suggesting it but making a pack with Dan will ease the new werewolf’s loneliness. If Dan decides to have different packmates that don’t include Kevin, he doesn’t think he’d mind that too much. Kevin was the one who failed to protect Dan after all. Why would he want someone weak in his pack?

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

Kevin drove to Dan’s and picked him up in the afternoon since the drive to the forest where Kevin normally shifts is rather far. The drive is so tense Kevin is worried Dan might snap from the pressure. His hands are clenched into fists so tightly Dan’s knuckles are white. Dan finally breaks the silence, Kevin pretending not to hear Dan’s heartbeat thrumming in his chest.

“Is this normal? To feel so tense and so tired?” Dan asks softly.

“Yeah, especially for your first shift,” Kevin replies. “It’s probably going to be the most uncomfortable you’ll feel.” Dan grumbles at that. The sound almost becomes a growl, which Kevin picks up on. Silence stretches between them until Dan seems to steel himself.

“What’s it like for you when you shift on a full moon?” Dan asks. He shifts his gaze from the road so he can look at Kevin. Kevin briefly matches Dan’s gaze but keeps his posture relaxed so Dan’s lupine instincts don’t take this as a challenge. He doesn’t want to appear threatening.

“Since I was born a werewolf, I technically don't have to shift on the full moon but it hurts when I don’t. Kinda like I worked out super hard the day before so my muscles are super achy and sore. Actually shifting? I’ve been doing it so much I barely feel it. But the other bitten werewolves I’ve met say their first shift hurts a lot because it takes the longest,” Kevin admits. “Sorry, that’s not very helpful.” He offers Dan a weak smile. Dan returns the smile.

“It’s okay. I’m just a bit anxious about it. You’ve done this before right?” Dan asks worriedly.

“Of course! I’ve told you before; I come from a family of born werewolves who take care of freshly bitten werewolves and show them how to wolf,” Kevin assures.

“What would the ideal scenario be tonight?” Dan asks as he plays with the hem of his jacket. Kevin flashes his eyes up to the sky before flicking them back down to the road. He tightens his grip on the wheel.

“You don’t immediately see me as a threat and we can run in the woods together. But that’s only happened a handful of times of the tens of bitten werewolves we’ve helped. Most of the time, we’ve had to tie them up so they don’t attack humans. We typically put muzzles on bitten werewolves after they shift in case they get loose and try to bite someone.” Dan visibly wilts at that to the point Kevin could practically smell his apprehension.

“You’ll stop me before I get loose, right?” Dan asks, voice shaky. Kevin spares a glance from the road and makes eye contact and Dan catches his breath. Kevin’s expression is resolute and probably the most somber Dan’s ever seen him.

“On my life, I’ll stop you,” Kevin promises. Something in Dan’s chest loosens and he finds himself sighing with relief, grateful that Kevin will protect others from him. Dan’s eyes are glassy as he smiles weakly at Kevin.

“Thank you Kevin,” Dan says softly. The rest drive of the drive is spent in silence except for the sound of Dan’s heart beating, albeit slower than earlier. It feels all too long and too fast as they race the setting sun to the forest. By the time they’ve reached the woods, the sun has completely sunk below the horizon. Kevin exits the driver’s seat pops the trunk open. The boxes of supplies he brought greet him, the silver chains sitting on top, front and center. Slipping on a pair of leather gloves, he takes the silver chains and lock and wraps them around the trunk of a large tree. Kevin can feel Dan’s eyes watching him intensely. He tries not to shiver. Kevin then pulls out a collar and muzzle from the box and puts them into the pocket in his hoodie. They were specially made by born werewolves so they’re woven with silver threads. Because it’s only thread, the collar and muzzle can still break but it’ll just take a lot longer. It also won’t burn as badly as pure silver like the chains. Kevin shuts the trunk door and just finishes attaching the collar to the chain when a sharp gasp from the passenger seat brings Kevin’s attention back to Dan as he spills from the car onto the grass.

“Shit,” Kevin curses as he rushes to Dan’s side. The moon is just barely filtering through the trees but it’s enough to spur Dan’s transformation. Dan cries out and his hand reaches out desperately so Kevin grasps it firmly. He doesn’t care that Dan his gripping it too tightly, using his werewolf strength unintentionally. He needs to be strong for Dan. He needs to be here for Dan. Dan’s body curls in on itself as his bones start rearranging themselves, cracking and mending in a cacophony of pain. He howls in agony as he squeezes Kevin’s hand, fresh claws digging into his skin. Dan’s face elongates into the muzzle of a wolf’s as his teeth become fangs that pick up the light of the moon. He’s panting heavily through the entire transformation, which Kevin chooses to see as a good thing. Blood seeps from Dan’s gums while his jaws were clenched from the pain. Dan’s snout is long for a wolf and Kevin can’t help but empathize with how it must have felt like an agonizing eternity during the shift. Kevin runs his fingers through Dan’s hair to soothe him, if only a little. Dark brown, wavy fur soon covers Dan’s whole body and he has to let go of Kevin’s hand as his hands turn into paws. A tail sprouts slowly from the base of Dan’s spine before it’s covered in fluffy fur.

Kevin steps back as Dan finishes his transformation with a final whimpering howl and collapses onto his side. It took a lot less time than bitten werewolf transformations he’s overseen in the past but it leaves him wary. He stays crouched and still as Dan catches his breath. Then, Dan slowly gets to his feet and sniffs the air. Now that Dan’s standing, Kevin can see he’s not dissimilar from how he is as a human. Everything about his wolf form is long and lithe. Kevin reminds himself not to underestimate Dan because he’s small and skinny as a wolf. But he makes a mental note to still be careful with Dan because of his lung.

Once Dan’s breathing evens out, his eyes bore straight into Kevin. Kevin inhales sharply when Dan makes eye contact. Dan’s eyes are fully reflecting the moon: his pupils a bright yellow while his irises are their normal pale blue. Before Dan can move, Kevin lunges at him and grabs his scruff with one hand and wraps his other arm around Dan’s head. Dan snarls and tries to free himself from Kevin’s grasp, snapping his jaws at the air. His shoulder is immediately complaining from the position but Kevin drags Dan to the collar attached to the silver chains. He lets go of the hand holding Dan’s scruff and snatches the collar from the ground, quickly wrestling Dan to the ground. Kevin holds one knee against Dan’s head and the other against Dan’s shoulder as he clips the collar around the werewolf’s neck. Now that Dan is chained to the tree, Kevin gets off of him and hastily retreats. Dan snaps at his heels only to be pulled back by the chain. He snarls at Kevin, saliva dripping from his fangs. Kevin sighs, resting against the side of his car. At least his lung doesn’t seem bothered from Kevin pinning Dan down.

“I’ll put the harness on you later so you don’t end up choking because of the collar,” Kevin tells Dan. His words don’t have any effect, which is expected. “I really hope I don’t have to hurt you. I’d rather not need to shift in order to stop you from killing someone.” Dan bares his teeth at Kevin before biting his chains. “No Dan, stop!” Kevin cries, leaping up from his reclined position as the silver burns Dan’s mouth. Dan, seeing Kevin rushing at him, growls and goes to bite him. Kevin throws his arm between him and Dan as teeth sink into his flesh. Kevin clenches his jaw so as not to cry out and further aggravate Dan. He uses his free hand to wrench Dan’s fangs from his arm but to no avail. Dan doesn’t want to let go. Kevin stares into Dan’s empty eyes, trying to see some semblance of him in there but he’s not there. So Kevin patiently waits for Dan to tire, ignoring the pain in his shoulder and arm.

“Let go, Dan,” Kevin commands. Dan does not listen or acknowledge that Kevin is speaking. He keeps staring into Kevin’s eyes. So Kevin decides to switch tactics. He throws his head back and howls, low and melodic. Dan freezes, his hold on Kevin’s arm loosening slightly. It’s just enough for Kevin to pry his jaws open and swiftly pull the muzzle from his pocket and slip it over Dan’s face. By the time Dan can react, the muzzle is securely fastened. Dan spits and growls, thrashing his head around to try and shake the muzzle off. Kevin steps back and exhales, finally taking the time to inspect his injury. He rolls the sleeve of his hoodie up and winces. It’s going to be a messy heal but it will heal nonetheless. Kevin slides the sleeve back down, the throbbing pain in his shoulder making itself known. He watches as Dan tries desperately to get the muzzle off, now fully ignoring the chain. Dan switches from whipping his head back and forth to rubbing his face against the ground and pushing at the muzzle with his paws. Thankfully for Kevin, Dan’s snout is longer than most werewolves’ so the muzzle won’t be going anywhere.

Kevin groans and sinks down, resting his back against his car. He takes a deep breath before running his hand down his face, sparing a glance at Dan. The bitten werewolf has stopped moving and is now staring at Kevin unblinkingly, his head somewhat bowed. Kevin huffs a chuckle before howling again, albeit weaker than last time. Dan’s head perks up as he watches Kevin howl. Kevin tries again, listening for Dan to make any sound with him. What he doesn’t expect is Dan to attempt to howl too but it’s a horrible screaming sound instead. Kevin can’t help but laugh at Dan’s pitiful howl but maybe it’s because of the muzzle. Kevin watches Dan try to howl again but he still can’t seem to figure it out.

“You’ll get it one day,” Kevin promises. “When you have a pack of your own, you’ll be howling properly in no time.” Dan, surprisingly, tilts his head at that. Kevin chuckles. “I’m assuming you’ll make your own pack after all. I’m just temporary pack since I’m the one that got you in this mess in the first place,” Kevin rambles, wincing as pain shoots up his arm again. Dan regards Kevin dubiously before pacing around as far as the chain will let him. “I know you’re restless but I can’t let you off the chain,” Kevin apologizes. Dan snorts at that and keeps pacing around. Kevin smiles and shakes his head at Dan before slowly getting up. He might as well bandage his arm since he doesn’t think he needs to shift tonight. It seems like Dan isn’t particularly bloodthirsty anymore.

Kevin removes his leather gloves and takes one of the small bottles of water he packed and cleans his arm with it. He takes the rest of the water and pours it into a bowl for Dan, placing it down where Dan can reach it. Kevin doesn’t turn his back on Dan, instead, he slowly backs up while watching the wolf. Dan approaches the bowl of water, giving it a precursory sniff before attempting to drink from it. Kevin smiles to himself before going back to bandaging his arm. With his bite wound sufficiently cleaned and dressed now, Kevin lowers his sleeve over the bandages and reclines against the side of his car with a sigh. His shoulder pain is ever present now but he doesn’t want to take any painkillers yet. Suddenly, Dan starts growling, pulling the chain taut with so much force that it shakes the tree it’s attached to. Kevin is immediately on guard but when he sees that Dan isn’t directing his aggression towards him, he follows Dan’s gaze. There’s a figure wearing dark camouflage clothing and night vision goggles. It isn’t until Kevin hears the click that he puts it together. Without missing a beat, Kevin barrels into Dan, knocking him over as he hears a bullet wiz over his back. Dan, already agitated, tries to sink his teeth into Kevin but the muzzle stops him. He snarls and scratches at Kevin to get him off and away from him instead. Dan shoves Kevin off of him with his hind paws, knocking the wind from his lungs. Dan is immediately pinning Kevin down by his shoulders, causing Kevin to cry out. There’s the sound of cocking a gun.

“Don’t shoot him! Please, don’t shoot!” Kevin shouts to the camouflaged figure. “He’s tied up and can’t bite anyone, please don’t shoot him!” The figure doesn’t respond, keeping their aim steady. Dan looms over Kevin with his teeth bared and ready to strike. The stranger must have taken a step forward to “help” Kevin because there’s a snap of a twig and Dan lunges for Kevin. Except the muzzle keeps his jaws shut and Dan ends up slamming his nose into Kevin’s eye. It would have been funny if not for the imminent danger. Kevin, taking this as a window of opportunity, grabs Dan by the scruff and rolls them both over so that Kevin is freed from being pinned. Using the spin’s momentum, Kevin shoves Dan away from him and hobbles over to the figure as he blinks the pain from his eye. Dan writhes and pulls against the chain violently to try and get to either of them. Kevin stays crouched and puts a hand to his shoulder. He should have taken the painkillers earlier.

“Are you one too?” the figure asks. Kevin’s head shoots up in alarm.

“No! Just my friend! I offered to help him with his transformation tonight!” Kevin lies. The stranger’s gaze drifts to Kevin’s arm where the sleeve is still bloody.

“Did he bite you?” the figure asks, taking a step towards Kevin. Dan shrieks, the chain holding him at bay rattling violently.

“No, he just scratched me,” Kevin lies again. They contemplate Kevin’s answers before turning their gun back on Dan.

“I’m doing you a favor, kid,” the stranger says before they pull the trigger. Time slows as Kevin propels himself forward, feeling his body shift in mid-air. Outstretched hands become claws. His teeth sharpen in his open jaws as his scream becomes a howl. While the night vision goggles and mask cover the stranger’s face, Kevin can smell the shock and fear burst from them as he sinks his fangs into their neck. Kevin gives the stranger a swift death. He hates how the blood floods his mouth. It tastes of the stranger’s life flashing before their eyes. He then turns his attention to Dan who appears unharmed. Dan doesn’t smell of gunpowder or blood. In fact, there is a neat bullet hole in the ground a little ways past where Dan is standing. Kevin limps over and digs up the bullet and the bullet from earlier, taking them in his teeth delicately before depositing them next to his car. Once the bullets are accounted for, Kevin makes his way over to Dan to double-check that he’s fine. Kevin sniffs Dan all over and deems him perfectly fine. Kevin then gives Dan a lick on the head before limping over to the corpse. Kevin paws at the jacket they’re wearing and reveals several silver knives, silver bullets, and a vial of dried wolfsbane. Werewolf hunter.  Kevin huffs and shakes his head. What a mess. He grabs the corpse by the collar and drags it away from Dan. If someone comes looking for whoever this was, Kevin doesn’t want them finding Dan.

Kevin walks back, in human form, to where he chained Dan to the tree and is pleasantly surprised to see that Dan is relatively calm. Of course, his eyes were staring straight in Kevin’s direction before he even saw him. “Did ye have a good time out here alone?” Kevin asks lightheartedly. Dan doesn’t respond at all but Kevin slowly notices all the scuffs on the ground. Dan must have tried to chase things but the chain kept him from pursuing.

“We should probably leave,” Kevin mutters. He picks up the silver bullets barehanded, hissing from the contact, and slides them into his pocket. He’ll stash them away later. Kevin checks his phone for the time and the screen informs him it’s an hour or two from dawn. Perfect. Kevin finally takes some painkillers for his shoulder. Thankfully his lycanthropy doesn’t let his injury get too bad but it can only do so much. He hasn’t seen many werewolves heal back 100% after being hit by a car, human form or not.

Kevin slips his leather gloves back on as he approaches Dan. “We’re going for a trip, Dan,” Kevin explains briefly as he unlocks the chain from the tree. He grips the end tightly, anticipating that Dan would try and chase after something as soon as he was free. Dan predictably starts pulling but he’s pulling in the direction Kevin dragged the body away. “No no no, we’re not going over there,” Kevin chides hurriedly as he starts leading Dan towards the car instead. It’s a struggle since Dan does not seem to want to get into the car so Kevin finally gives in and picks Dan up and manhandles him into the car and shuts the door.

“Oh feck, seatbelts,” Kevin sighs. He checks the trunk for if he brought the harness specifically for buckling into a seatbelt and after digging through the boxes, he remembers he has the harness in his hoodie pocket. He closes the trunk door and makes his way to the backseat. He opens it slowly and is ready for when Dan tries to bolt out but Kevin bodily blocks him and attempts to quickly get the harness onto the bitten werewolf. “Sorry Dan, this is mildly inconvenient,” Kevin apologizes as Dan snarls and tries to bite him as Kevin wrestles the harness onto Dan. Now that Dan is harnessed up and clipped to the seatbelt, Kevin doesn’t feel as nervous that Dan is immediately going to try and maul him while he’s driving. He double-checks that he’s not leaving any physical evidence of their stay or the scuffle they had before getting into the driver’s seat. Kevin backs out of the woods and makes a mental note not to come back here for a few months. He grips the wheel and takes a shuddering breath as the gravity of the situation sinks in. He killed a human with his own fangs. He can still taste their blood in his mouth. He hasn’t had to kill a werewolf hunter in a long time. Before he can distract himself too much, Kevin lets himself sob once before refocusing in the road. He feels tears streaming over his cheeks but he can’t bring himself to wipe them away. Shifting and snuffling in the backseat brings Kevin’s eyes to the rearview mirror. Dan is leaning as far forward as the seatbelt will allow him with his long nose twitching in Kevin’s direction. His glowing eyes are wide and curious.

“Aw, are ye worried about me Dan?” Kevin chuckles, though his voice is a bit strained. Dan tilts his head and whines softly. Kevin sniffles a bit before looking back at the road. “We’ll be at my place soon. I just have to drive around a bit more in case we’re being followed,” Kevin assures Dan. He hears Dan huff at him before settling back down. It takes a little longer than Kevin would have liked but he makes it back to his house without incident. He heaves himself out of the car and shuffles over to the back seat door to let Dan out. Dan growls at him while he unbuckles his seatbelt but he doesn’t rush out of the car like Kevin though he would. Rather, he patiently allows Kevin to lead him to the house. Kevin fumbles with his keys but he gets them inside. He locks the door and the deadbolt before stumbling to his bedroom. He unclips the silver chain from Dan’s collar and throws it into the corner of his room, discarding his leather gloves promptly afterward.

Now that they’re not in mortal danger, Kevin can truly take in Dan’s wolf form. Somehow, his fur on the top of his head resembles his bangs. Dan is fairly tall for a wolf too, his head reaching just below Kevin’s chest. But if Dan stood up on his hind legs, he would certainly be taller than Kevin. Dan stares back at Kevin during this scrutiny, his pupils still pale like the moon. Kevin ruffles Dan’s fur before flopping onto his bed. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels the bed dip and Dan’s long, muzzled nose is right in his face.

“Oh feck, you scared me Dan!” Kevin laughs as he pets Dan’s face. He grabs Dan’s long nose and gives it a gentle shake. Dan snarls lightly so Kevin lets his nose go and sighs. Dan, with the muzzle on, manages to bite a bit of Kevin’s sweater and shake it vigorously until it slips from his teeth. He then sniffs all over Kevin, his nose poking Kevin while he smells him. When Dan pokes Kevin’s injured arm, he curls his nose away from it and bares his teeth. “Ah, now there’s no need for that. You’re the one that did that to me,” Kevin chides. He sits up, making his back crack in the process, and pulls the sweater off over his head with a groan. His fecking shoulder. Kevin inspects his bandaged wound and unwraps it. It healed over pretty well, the punctures in his skin have already closed up leaving pink indentations. Dan sniffs it, his wet nose cool against Kevin’s skin. “See? Good as new!” Kevin assures. Dan eyes him dubiously but he settles down on Kevin’s bed, nosing the pillows innocently. “Alright, the sun’s gonna come up soon so let’s get some sleep before then,” Kevin says as he lays back down, feeling himself slip into unconsciousness.

Kevin’s not sure what time it is when he wakes up but the sound of bones cracking and whimpering tells him it’s dawn. He turns his head and sees Dan’s lupine face scrunched in agony as he paces around on the bed panting anxiously. Eventually, he can’t stand anymore and collapses onto the bed and into himself like a dying spider. Kevin reaches out and pets Dan’s head, knowing he can’t do much else to comfort the bitten werewolf as he shifts back. The fur slowly recedes until it’s just a fluffy mess on the top of Dan’s head. His front paws elongate and his claws recede to his human fingers. The long snout confined to the muzzle shrinks away until the muzzle is holding nothing but empty space. A formerly trembling tail disappears back into Dan’s spine. Kevin drapes the blanket they’re on top of over Dan as he finishes shifting back to a human, unsure if he’ll still have his clothes on. Dan’s hands find the blanket and he clenches them tightly as he catches his breath from the transformation. Kevin waits patiently for Dan to recover mentally. It doesn’t take long, maybe Dan heard Kevin moving around because he opens his eyes and they immediately go to the muzzle loosely wrapped around his head.

“What in the hell am I wearing?” Dan croaks. Kevin chuckles but he makes no move to pull it off Dan. Dan doesn’t seem to have the energy to remove it either.

“A muzzle. Doesn’t quite fit you this way,” Kevin replies. “Because of that, you didn't bite anyone.” Dan sits up and sighs with relief until he sees Kevin’s bare arms.

“Then what’s that?” he asks, pointing to the pink scarring on Kevin’s arm. Kevin lifts up the previously injured arm just enough to see how well it’s healed.

“Oh, yeah, I’m not anyone,” Kevin says nonchalantly. Dan scoffs and holds Kevin’s arm gingerly.

“I bit you,” Dan states, his voice shaking slightly.

“It’s okay, Dan. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember, I’m a werewolf too,” Kevin says softly. “I knew what I was getting into last night.” Dan runs his fingers over the indentations from the bite marks.

“Did it hurt when I bit you?” Dan asks.

“Nah, I’ve been bit worse before,” Kevin replies, half telling the truth. Dan buys the half lie and sets Kevin’s arm back down.

“What happened last night?” Dan whispers, eyes already glassy. He holds the blanket tighter around himself. Kevin tries to sit up but can barely get his shoulders off the bed before his aches and pains force him back down. He exhales in frustration before trying again. This time, Dan helps him upright, which he thanks him for.

“Well, you certainly wore me out. Getting that muzzle on you wasn’t easy,” Kevin says lightheartedly. “But chaining you to a tree was. By the way, you still have the collar and harness on too.” Dan raises his hands to his neck where he finds the collar, much too big on him. He unclips everything and holds them delicately in his hands. Dan looks up at Kevin to continue speaking, hands starting to tremble.

“But there’s more that happened. I remember hearing gunshots,” Dan whimpers. Kevin nods.

“A werewolf hunter tried to kill you last night,” Kevin states. “They failed, obviously.” Dan starts frantically checking himself and the bed for any bloody trails or grazes or anything and upon finding nothing, he looks at Kevin expectantly. Kevin takes a shuddering breath before saying, “I killed them, Dan. To protect you I went for their throat because I thought I’d fail you twice.” Kevin then covers his face with a hand to hide his tears. Dan doesn’t need to see him break down right now. Thin fingers wrap around his hand and slowly lower it from his face. Dan’s brows are furrowed but his eyes are clear and determined.

“I’m sorry you had to make that decision but I am grateful you did,” Dan says gently, still holding Kevin’s hand in his. “I don’t hold that against you. You haven’t failed me.” Dan doesn’t expect Kevin to lean forward heavily and practically slump against Dan’s body much less in wolf form. The shift is instantaneous and catches Dan off guard from Kevin’s weight. Kevin’s forehead rests underneath Dan’s chin while the rest of his body is nearly flush with Dan. Dan doesn’t quite understand this behavior but he runs his hands over Kevin’s back soothingly. He doesn't comment on how Kevin is shaking in his arms but he does rest his cheek on the top of Kevin’s head. Even though he’s meant to be comforting Kevin, Dan finds himself calming down while petting Kevin.

“Thank you for protecting me, Kevin,” Dan says into Kevin’s fur. Kevin grunts before pulling back and shifting back to his human form. He looks into Dan’s eyes with an expression Dan can’t quite place but Dan feels at ease.

“Of course, Dan,” Kevin replies.

[linkspooky]

Hmm. Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

I sadly didn’t grow up with cable, so I’ve never watched it. But I do remember watching one episode at one of my friends’ house as a kid.

I forgot what it’s called, but it was were everybody in town became silent due to these two creepy looking guys. I especially remember that one funny scene with the presentation, but also how creepy and scary it was with the creepy men.

But yeah. I suppose I’m asking is… if the show is worth a watch, and if you have any episodes you personally love?

has Buffy the Vampire Slayer is actually one of my top two forever fandoms, that is fandoms that not only I will be forever invested in and rewatch on regular basises, but also fandoms that have had the most impact in not only the stories I read nowadays, but also the stories I want to write.

Not only is the show worth a watch, I think it's an example of the strength of long-form storytelling, and how even a very schlocky show about vampires can be about very powerful themes.

Also, if you like redemption arcs, and are disappointed in MHA because of the slow progress of the redemption arcs, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is all about redemption arcs and has some of the most well-written and touching ones in all of fictions. Also it pretty much invented enemies to lovers, and I mean actual enemies to lovers, not like "they sort of dislike each other."

So, without any further ado my top five episodes.

5. Lie to Me - Season 2 Episode 7

Season one has a solid arc for Buffy and the cast as a whole, and even as a standalone is a good commentary on the story of the chosen-one, but I think Season 2 onwards is when Buffy goes from being a neat show about vampire slayers to a work of fiction that has actual things to say, and commentary on not only other stories in the fantasy genre but also real life too.

Lie to me is basically the introduction of that complexity in Buffy's life, that has only ever been hinted at beforehand. Buffy is a pretty morally righteous hero, for the most part with a few exceptions the vampires she faces are souless monsters, demons possessing corpses. Lie to Me is the first time Buffy faces a human antagonist, and not just a human one but someone who shares a lot of flaws with Buffy as well. I think the best way to make a character arc is to start with an incorrect belief they hold about the world and then go out of your way to correct it. Buffy starts from believing she is the hero of the story, and the people she fights on a regular basis are monsters.

Lie to Me turns that on its head, not only is the antagonist Buffy's childhood friend, someone who has sympathetic reasons but is still willing to kill people enmasse to get what he wants the same way that vampires do, he also has flaws in common with Buffy. The same way that Owen wants the world to be more like a movie with simple logic, and he's playing a villain to make things easier for himself, Buffy is playing a hero. Owen isn't the only liar, Angel hides his worst deed from Buffy because he was scared of Buffy disliking him for it. Buffy's very much lying to herself about the kind of person that Angel is, because she wants to believe the more romantic image of him as a repentant vampire boyfriend then the legitimate bad things he has done.

It's a story that criticizes people for lying to themselves, and shows what can happen when you are caught up in irresponsible lies, and yet at the same time it sympathizes with people. It doesn't say people rely on stories because they're selfish or stupid, at least not all the way, the final speech is Buffy asking Giles to lie to her, because her life is genuinely hard and messy and complicated and she wants the simplicity of a story to reassure her everything will be alright.

4. I Only Have Eyes For You - Season 2 Episode 19

I Only Have Eyes For You is amazing because it not only tells a complicated and tragic tale of victimhood, but also it shows one of Buffy’s most major flaws, and also plays with the expectation of the audience as well. This is an episode I watch with friends and talk the entire time through, because I want to know what their initial reactions are and how those reactions are turned on its head by the end of the episode. 

Basically, the whole point of this episode is the twist, we are first presented with what looks to be an unsympathetic and toxic victim. A boy who kills his lover because they no longer want to be with them, someone who is framed as abusive and having done an unforgivable thing. Until you look at the context of the situation, the boy in question was seventeen, and his lover was an adult woman who was dating him. It plays with audience expectations because like, if it had been a teenage girl dating an adult man, then it would be obvious who the victim was and who the perpetrator. 

If it had been a teenage girl dating an adult man... oh. This is also an episode where we explore how Buffy has a hard time seeing herself as a victim, because of her issues of guilt and self blame. Giles tells Buffy they should help the spirit that is suffering in this episode because it is in pain, and it needs forgiveness as a tool for healing and Buffy suggests that some people should never be forgiven and they should just leave it alone. Which is not really a heroic or even kind notion. That has nothing to do with the crime they committed and everything to do with Buffy’s inability to forgive herself. 

It’s an episode that goes really dark places, especially with parallels to real life relationship abuse, and yet it has something to say about the characters and those issues. It’s also ultimately about the healing power of forgiveness over punishment. 

3. Fool for Love - Season 5 episode 7

Season five is really the turning point where the show is about more than just the real life issues teenagers have to deal with growing up, but starts focusing on high concept themes like death, love, the interplay between the two, or even just what it would be like to live a life that’s more than a hundred years and the effect that would have on a person. 

Spike is my favorite character of all time, in anything, ever yet it’s funny that his focus episode is only third on the list, but that’s because also later episodes build on this one and have more to say. Fool for Love is just, very targeted in its messages and what it’s about in relationship to Spile’s character. Spike is sympathetic and engaging as a character not because he has a sympathetic backstory, in fact he’s a frilly victorian poet boy, turned murderer because he thought it would give him love or something more meaningful to live for. He’s not a moral person, he’s a-moral, all of his actions are framed selfishly around what he thinks will get him love, and he’s not even always a good boyfriend he’s godawful to harmony on several occasions. 

Yet Spike is interesting because he’s a monster with human feelings, who wants the things every person wants, which is to be loved and love in return, and yet he feels like as a vampire he can only deal in death and violence and this also relates to Buffy. The episode is about more than Spike’s personal story though,i it’s about Buffy’s relationship to her own mortality, that despite Buffy being a literal superhero she might not die by a big bad, or even die saving the world, she can just slip up in one fight and be stabbed by a random mook. It’s about the life that Buffy leads, where no matter how strong she is, people will just relentlessly come and come for her no matter what, and that’s also relatable because how many people have expressed something like “I always feel like I just have to get through the week and things will get better only for the next week to be harder.” 

It is about a life that is both empty and full of violence for both Buffy and Spike, and yet somehow both of them are still searching for love within that life. The biggest scene of change for Spike at the end of the episode is after a whole episode of peacocking around, after trying to insist to Buffy that his vampire idenitty as a killer is the real him, that Buffy is attracted to him as a killer because she has a death wish, his last real action in the episode is to put the gun down and try to comfort Buffy as Spike the sensitive poet, because no matter how hard he tries to bury that identity it’s who he is inside and people grow close to one another when they can show that vulnerability around each other.

2. Once More With Feeling - Season 6 episode 7

Not only the best musical episode ever, but actually a really good standalone forty five minute musical, but besides being an amazing production in general it's the themes of this episode that make me love it.

It is more or less Season 6's version of Lie to Me, where once again we are demosntrating that the stories people tell each other to comfort themselves can actively be harmful as well. Buffy suffers under having to put on an act and pretend everything is okay when she's not happy her friends brought her back from the dead. Spike suffers from being a much more selfless version of himself than he really is, because he's trying too hard to be the ideal boyfriend and supporting character to Buffy when he's still in love with her and wants a relationship. Tara suffers because Willow quite literally controls her mind to make her forget a fight, so they can both play-act a much happier version of their relationship.

Once More with Feeling is about both the collective desire of how everyone wants life to be more positive, more meaningful like in a musical, how they want life to be more like a song, but also how that very human desire can be harmful because it comes at the cost of denying the reality and not dealing with it. Every single song has a much darker subtext that is revealed over the course of the show.

Also, for an episode that's really dark, and is about not only Buffy's suicidal ideation but how genuinely hard life is to live, and how meaningless it can seem at times, it ends on such a beautiful message that even if say Life is pointless, nihilism is correct, there's nothing greater waiting for us, Spike still tells Buffy to keep living because "Life is just living" the only way you can survive in the world is by trying to live in it, simply because we don't know what comes after this and this life is all we got.

1. Conversations with Dead People Season 7 Episode 7

As a lover of drama, as a lover of Spike, a lover of Spuffy and romance it's funny to me that my favorite episode is an episode Spike is barely in, and nothing really happens except for all of the characters sitting down and talking, but the thing about Buffy is that all the characters are so interesting that you can have an episode like this where everyone finally sits down to talk through their issues.

It's not only an episode where a lot of characters have the conversations they've been putting off for forever, Dawn and her feelings about her dead mother, Buffy and her feelings about both the Slayer and her relationships with Angel and Spike, Willow and her mourning of Tara and her suicidal ideation that hasn't quite gone away.

It's also demonstrative of the kind of people all three of these characters that get focus are, it informs you a lot about their characters, and takes the time to do the kind of character work that Buffy is known for. It's also not just about mortality, but also about the people you are in the privacy of your own head, or when no one else is around. Like, the conversations that they all have are literally with dead people. Willow is talking with someone she believes to be a ghost, Buffy is going to stake the vampire at the end of her conversation, Dawn is dealing with what she thinks is the ghost of Joyce. These conversations are revealing specifically because all three women are pretty much alone, and so they can be their true unfiltered selves.

It's almost the exact opposite of lie to me, because dead men tell no tales, so all three of them are allowed to be much more honest than they usually are, and that makes their emotional responses so much more visceral and telling of what they really think. It drags up the subtext and makes it text. It acknowledges what we have known was already there about the characters, but also after dragging those issues up to the surface it helps them move on in a much more conciliatory way. Buffy after admitting for the first time her issues is comforted by the vampire trying to murder her, "I'm not here to Judge you, just kill you." Willow ignores the first's taunts that she should just kill herself to be with Tara. Dawn chooses not to believe in what is maybe ghost JOyce's warning that Buffy will abandon her. THe characters are confronted with their most negative thoughts and their worst flaws, but they also choose to think more positively about things in the aftermath of these confrontations and so that healthy and honest conversation becomes a starting point in healing for all three of them.

[sparky-is-spiders]

So my drawing tablet looks to have been injured in the trip back to college and I haven’t checked to see if it still works. So. Uh. Anyway I made my bastard lizards (+ the one insect) into mammals.

Bastard Lizard Battlecats AU!!

I tried to stick to more realistic coat colors but Amaldyne can have a purple eye. As a treat.

Some AU facts, presented in no particular order:

- Amaldyne’s warrior name is just her dragon family name. If you’re wondering who would name a kit “Rotkit” I think there was a bit of a tradition of giving kits “scary” or “menacing” names.

- Blizzardshard (Eityr) got her prefix the same way. That or she was an outsider who was brought to the clan young.

- They’re all in ShadowClan!

- Rotwing was a relatively well-respected warrior. A little intense, but well-meaning, intelligent, ambitious, and with the clan’s best interests at heart. Nobody’s quite sure why her apprentices turned out Like That.

- She mentored Blizzardshard and Lionsong (Leoshgon). Blizzard (who had mostly known her parent’s (Watcherite expy, although I don’t think I’ve talked much about it) intensely controlling behavior found Rotwing a welcome reprieve and a role model. She really looked up to her and became an intensely fanatical supporter. Lion will commit atrocities for affection and Rotwing was more than happy to take advantage of this.

- I imagine that Amaldyne hadn’t considered leadership too seriously, but with ShadowClan under threat from several factions she took it upon herself to fix everything through the power of clawing her way to the top by any means necessary.

- Maybe some horrible calamity can befall her family this time too to give her the push to make some REALLY terrible decisions.

- But without the armageddon time crunch she has time to move the pieces into place. She’s a respected warrior. She has time.

- First order of business is making Blizzard a medicine cat. Blizzardshard would do ANYTHING Rot told her to do so it’s not hard to convince her. Not sure how it happens but it does get done (Blizzard does have a knack for herbs. And maybe some less savory skillsets).

- Leo was the right-hand-man and mate of the Overseer, as well as a former kittypet. As the Overseer got more and more dangerous and controlling he (as before) began collaborating with Amaldyne to kill him (as he was also becoming a serious threat to ShadowClan). When they succeeded, he was brought into the Clan (I imagine she was deputy by this point). While he was a grown adult, he still needed a short apprenticeship period to grow used to clan life and learn how to hunt and fight in ShadowClan.

- Deputy Rotwing had permission to spy on the twolegplace cats but the full scope of her activities was never discovered.

- She was a serious candidate for the deputyship, but possibly had Blizzard place a conveniently rotting birds wing somewhere. Maybe.

- Idk I like the idea of her getting the position legitimately. Or even the sign being real but it being a warning that Blizzard covers up or willfully misinterprets.

- When asked why she was so invested in getting Lion into the clan and making him her apprentice she said that she saw potential in him. This is technically true.

- She worked hard to teach him how to be deputy because she recognized a good puppet when she saw one. She made sure to give him an apprentice as soon as the time was right.

- She definitely got the leader killed after all the pieces were in place.

- Lionsong was her first mistake as leader. He was liked but not respected, both for his outsider heritage and his personality. Rotstar wanted someone who would follow orders and be easily manipulated (but who wouldn’t accidentally start a war by snapping and murdering another deputy like Blizzard), and Lion’s obnoxious chatterbox routine and pushover nature made him a great tool but a poor deputy.

- More charitable cats thought this was just nepotism. Lion and Blizzard were the cats closest to Rotstar in the clan and one of them was too medicine cat to be deputy.

- Less charitable cats recognized Rotstar giving her strongest supporters the only roles with enough power to challenge her decisions.

- Like Blueflame! I haven’t talked about her and Lilypaw (or their original lizardverse versions) but they’re both here. Blueflame’s lizard version doesn’t have a name (that’s like the middle part of character creation for me) but she’s Amaldyne’s ex gf. Their relationship ends as Amaldyne gets worse and worse and it is NOT an easy breakup. Like in the lizardverse, Blueflame is dry-witted, level headed, smart, and somewhat laid back. Lilypaw is an expy of Lesareth Rotwing, Amaldyne’s younger cousin. A somewhat rude academically-minded dragon named after a very rare and poisonous flower.

- Unlike in Lizardverse, Lilypaw is Rot and Blue’s daughter. Canon Amaldyne has enough shit going on without also being a parent but outside of it I like the extra family drama and I eat it like the popcorn.

- Lilypaw is a medicine cat apprentice. Her parents split (on much better terms) when Rotwing first became deputy. She was sort of an absent parent to Lily tbh.

- Blueflame is the one to kill Rotstar and becomes the leader after.

- Rotstar keeps fucking. Starting wars. And scheming to take down enemies. And becoming more and more controlling. She loses a lot of the trust and respect she used to command but is still feared by many. Blizzardshard dies with her, and Lionsong is probably also killed, but might be driven off to parts unknown depending on how cooperative he is.

I left out soooo many things (such as “what if warrior cats did necromancy?”) but this got so fucking long and I am. Tired. Anyway hope you enjoyed. I am constantly putting the lizards in Situations.

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

7/1/2023 DAB Chronological Transcription

Obadiah 1 and Psalms 82-83

Welcome to Daily Audio Bible Chronological. I’m China. Today is the first day of July. Welcome. So excited to be entering into another month together. Glad you are here. Today we begin a new book. We are in the book of Obadiah Chapter One. We also enter back into the Psalms with Psalm 82 and 83, and we're finishing off today this week with the New English translation.

Commentary:

Today's reading is pretty heavy on God's judgment on Edom- Edom's approaching destruction, and so this is the book of Obadiah. And so we we just read um really like a history line of everything that we've already read. So this isn't news to us. It's kind of like a reciting. But to see it all condensed together just reminds the reader of how much unfaithfulness, how much destruction they're really has been, how much turning away from the Lord there truly has been. And even just treachery against Judah and the reading of the coming day of the Lord. And just as you have done so, it will be done to you. You will get exactly what your deeds deserve. This is, this is kind of what we were talking about earlier in the week. Like this is scary. You know? Like if you read this, this feels terrifying. And but really, we have to understand that God is a God of justice, and really, there's no escaping who he is. And I believe that he is real. I believe that he's sovereign. I believe that he is the king of kings. He is the Lord of Lords. And one day we are going to have to answer to whatever things that he has, I'm not sure how that will look or how that works. I've never really been to heaven before, so I can't say. I could give you what I best think of in my brain, but that doesn't even matter. Do you read this? Just reminds me of who the Lord is and that, yes, he's kind, yes he's gracious, yes he's good. But he's also not a God who can be mocked. He's a God who's sovereign. He's a God of order. He's a God of justice. He knows when enough is enough and you will make sure that enough has been enough and then we moved down into ah, this. Always really quick and just talking about I, you know he renders judgment. He's talking about, you know, defend the cause of the poor and the fatherless, vindicate the oppressed and suffering, rescue the poor and needy, deliver them from the power of the wicked. They know they neither know nor understand this. Similar in the dark with the foundations of the earth crumble. And really, throughout all of this, we we see God's heart. We see where he wants us to pay attention to, where He wants us to focus on and in the community and to really be people who desire righteousness and holiness and sanctification, and those things don't just come looking like oh, what am I trying to like? The tassels. You know, like when you graduate high school. I did not have any of those. I was home schooled. But I just remember, like, seeing all those tassels and being like, OK, like, you guys worked really hard. I'm very jealous because you know, I don't have any of those, like going to my friend's graduations and but realizing that those came with a price of the hard work of the whole year. And so I just think about, you know, righteousness or just desiring those things of God they did. You don't just like, get them put on you like they are purifying. They are refining. They are crushing and why is that? Well, I think if we pray for God to expand our faith, like I don't think that we have meters in our brain that just start growing. Maybe, maybe it is, I don't know, I don't know fully. But I think typically it's things shift, either the way that we see things or things shift in our lives and as an opportunity to trust the Lord more, and so with all of these it just reminds me of how good the Lord is and how safe it is to trust him. And yes these things can feel freaky. It can be like this is why I don't like the Old Testament. This is where I would rather read about Jesus. But also you have to understand that God is Jesus death and this is fathers. So everything that he speaks Jesus is about, too. But also when we understand that when we read the condensed um, history, parts of everything that we've read so far this year we just realize, man, people were just very committed to their own ways. They committed the destruction. Even though the Lord is saying, like, turn back to me, I will renew you, like we're gonna figure this out together. I'll be with you. You'll have to do this alone or on your- in your own strength. Just trust me. And we see that time and time again, people choose everything or anything but him. And sometimes they choose him for a second and then they forget and they choose their own ways. And man, can't we all relate to that?

Prayer:

Father, I thank you for your word. I thank you for your heart, and that we get to understand who you are more and more and every time that we read your word. And so I pray that we would be people who desire your word, not just the parts that make us feel good with the parts that feel encouraging, but all of it- understand that we're in a different time, we're in different culture, we're in a different um, place altogether, but that your words still speak and it's alive and well. I thank you for it. Such a gift. Such a guide. And Lord, may we steward what you do in our hearts well. And it's in your name we pray. Amen.

Announcements:

Well, this is where I leave you for this week. Excited about our next week- The Long Walk. Excited that you'll get to partake in that, and I can't wait to see your posts and hear the stories. It's truly such a joy to to get to partake in all of that. So really looking forward to that. Hope you are as well, but that is all for today. I'm China and I'll be waiting for you here next week.

Community Prayer Line:

Hey y'all this is Hopeful in Wyoming. I'm calling in because I haven't called in a while and I had told myself to call in monthly and that hasn't happened. Mostly because I was gone for a trip to Africa a few months ago and just got behind on my listening and I'm finally caught up. So here I am. But a few months ago, I had called in to ask for prayers for that Africa trip. We were going to South Africa and Tanzania, and we volunteered at an orphanage in Tanzania. And I just wanted to quickly hop on and share a story from that trip and that experience because it was incredible. I won't use her name, but there was a woman that we picked up on the side of the road that was walking with her babies, and she was going to try to find a place to put those babies or leave them on the side of the road if she had to. And then she was going to go hurt herself. And I honestly think we saved her life that day by picking her up on the side of the road on Sunday. Fast forward to Thursday after we brought her back to the orphanage and she talked to some of the other women there and did some Bible studies and she was actually baptized on that same Thursday. So I mean just in a few days time. It was incredible to watch her transformation from having no hope to literally falling on her knees and worshipping the Lord, it was just such a beautiful transition and that really imprinted on my my heart and my mom's heart and I just wanted to hop on and share that beautiful story and also tell everyone that I'm praying for you all. I have heard a lot of prayer requests about separation in families, whether that be between husband and wife or between your children and you. So I'm just praying for the all those situations. I can't imagine how hard that is and I'm keeping you all in my prayers. Thank you.

Hello, Larcy calling in from Arizona with the awesome praise report. My father had his hip replacement surgery on June 6th and he had his two week checkup and things are in great shape. He will start driving as of next week and everything else he's doing on his own now so praise God for his mighty hand and protection, and for the calming and everything that he provided for us and during this time. So anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who prayed for him and I am feeling very blessed. Have a wonderful day. Thank you.

Good morning, amazing DABC family. This is Christy from Pennsylvania. I think I'm going to go by Standing on his Promises. I'm calling to thank His Redeemed Daughter for praying for my granddaughter, Penelope Rose. I felt the same way about the Ecclesiastes. Reading it really made me think about all of the things in the past that have amassed to make myself feel better, but now I have God. I have a small update on Penelope Rose. God is so good. Though she is no longer on in her mother's room womb, he continues to knit her together, forming her inward parts. She is now off of the ventilator a little ahead of schedule and on a CPAP machine to remind her to breathe until her body takes over fully and the concerning abscess that was on her liver has reduced in size with the medication. She still has a feeding tube with mom's milk for now. I'm continuing to trust God to complete her development and bring her parents into the Kingdom for His glory. I want to pray for all the nurses and doctors and caregivers. Thank you so much, Lord, for all of your blessings and thank you for this day, DABC family and the Hardin family. God bless you all.

Hey, guys. This is Carrie from Baltimore. I don't call in a lot, but I listen every day. And I do listen to all of your prayer requests. And I should have called days ago, but on Saturday the 17th, my son-in-law Russell was in a mountain biking accident and his spinal cord was severed at T 10 and 11, so he is paralyzed from the waist down. We are still holding out hope and believing that God can do all things, but I'm just asking that you all join with us in prayer for him and for my daughter Jessica to hold it together, make good decisions as far as rehab and they're gonna need to move because they live in New York City and there are stairs to get to their condo. So all that to say is we have a long road ahead of us. We actually aren't even at home because his mountain biking accident was in New Jersey, so we are all in the hotel in New Jersey trying to figure all these things out. So if you could just be in prayer, neither of them are believers as well. So most importantly is praying for their hearts and their spirits and their salvation, but also for them to trust and lean on the Lord in all of this. Thank you so much in advance and I will keep you updated.

[chasing-rabbits]

I feel like lately the only time I ever make an actual post it’s to talk about how depressed I am or how bad things are going. And I feel like I should be happy. That from the outside looking in things are good. I mean I have such a kind loving and patient partner who’ll go out of his way to help me when I’m down even when he is struggling too. I have a nice flat that we got to do up ourselves and it looks so nice. It’s spacious and not far from town. I have the cutest but most vicious cat and I love him. He gives me all the nose boops and cuddles. He’s the best especially on days where my mental health sucks.

I’m not struggling for money despite being on benefits in a time where everything is getting so fucking expensive but I’m actually really good at saving money and budgeting and I do a lot of little things to bring in gift cards so we’ve been able to save so much money and I should be proud of my ability to save money wherever we can because it has allowed us more freedom to do things like buy tickets for our anniversary to see the Arctic Monkeys or to be able to buy a PS5. And I am happy and proud of myself because with my bipolar I wasn’t always able to handle my money well. It never got anything crazy spending wise but I wasn’t able to sit down and plan and budget for the future like I am now. I feel like all of these things I should be able to look at and be happy I mean I’ve got some degree of financial security with a roof over our heads that is never going to disappear as my parents are my ‘landlords’. I’ve got my forever the person who has stuck by me through everything and not everyone finds that.

TW trauma mentions under the read more

But I’m just not happy I feel so behind on where I should be. I haven’t got a career I haven’t even got a job. I can barely look after myself on my worst days which seem to be more and more often. I could be forever financially dependent and I don’t want that for myself. And despite having the love I deserve now I’ve had so much of my life taken up by someone who made me feel the most unlovable horrible human being to exist. Who made me think something was wrong with me. That I was so horrible that I felt I deserved everything he did that it was my fault and if I’d just been better, done better then none of it would’ve happened. And now when I am loved I find it so hard to imagine how someone could look at me and just love me as much as they do. I can’t understand it and I have times where it just doesn’t feel real that wow there’s a human right next to me who wants to spend their entire life with me, that loves me so much they couldn’t imagine a life without me in it. I have felt so small for so long I have been so scared to open up to speak up for myself to just even say no because that’s a scary word because to me ‘no’ comes with consequences no comes with anger shouting and threats. I struggle so hard to say no when I don’t want something. I struggle to share when I’m worried or angry or upset and every time I do my heart pounds I shake and sweat and feel so scared I can sit there trying to get the words out and be unable to speak for the fear. Even when I know now I’ve nothing to fear that I’m allowed to speak and have a voice but I can’t unlearn this shit so easy. I can’t not flinch when I hear a raised voice. I can’t not be so so scared and on edge and I hate that he still has that power over me that I can’t forget because the intrusive thoughts can be so loud. I can’t even escape in my dreams. I hate him for doing this to me and then making me believe it was all my fault and for so many years I just took it and I actually thought it was me. I spent so long hating myself wondering and searching for what it was I’d done to make him hate me so much to make him treat me that way. I don’t want to be scared anymore I don’t want to feel like that child who was small and unable to speak up for herself. I don’t want to feel powerless. I don’t want to shrink who I am. I wasn’t planning to write all this out tbh this is not where I thought this was gonna go when I started typing it out. I guess I felt like I was just feeling depressed just because sometimes I get down for no reason but that’s why sometimes writing like this is helpful because I don’t think I just sit here and it flows out and I didn’t realise this was all on my mind but it was it was there hiding in my subconscious and I think it feels good to get it out from there and written down. I hope I can get better I hope I can not let my past continue to affect my future. I really hope EMDR will help with all of this idk.

[unluckiefriday]

The Assumptions The World Makes

It’s interesting how everything else seems to get darker as you stare at the light, like everything else can never compare to that light.  This was my only thought as I lay on the cold ground staring at the ceiling.  My face stung but that was expected since I just got punched by a superhero.  That flying bastard hit me pretty hard.  I just wanted to lay on the floor and give up.  Society expected me to do this yet they hated me for it.  You can only imagine how confusing it is for a kid to be told that they are a villain before they have even done anything.

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” June sighed as she pulled out the first aid kit.  “You’d think you’d use your invisibility to run away from a fight but no.”  She stopped and stared at me with a sad look on her face.  She was incredibly compelling for a girl who was only 4’ 8”.  She held her head high and that made everyone feel she was far taller than she really was.  I had the exact opposite effect.

“Name as many superheroes with invisibility as you can,” I asked her, still staring at the ceiling.  I counted the dots, making sure every single one was noticed, none left out just because they were hard to see.

“Sue Storm,” she said easily, obviously proud of herself.

“Now name as many superheroes with flight as you can,” I continued lamely.

“Superman, Ironman, Captain Marvel, Green Lantern, Shazam, Storm…” she trailed off.  “I get the point.” she said quietly in defeat.

“Even Invisible Woman has more powers than just invisibility,” I groaned.  “Everyone expects me to be like Gollum with the one ring or something.”  I threw my hands up in exasperation and let them fall back down to the floor with a loud thunk. Some people have that feeling that they are invisible, that nobody notices or cares to notice.  They feel as if they disappear into the crowd.  I do. 

“You’ve never listened to society before, why are you now?” June asked, confused.

“They already fear me.  Everyone’s already heard of me before I’ve even done everything.  I can’t walk into a bank without people thinking I’m gonna steal something and only you and Dad let me into your houses.  Everyone thinks I’m a thief because of my power.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  People have made up their minds based on one thing they saw and there is nothing I can do to make them think otherwise.”  

“Maybe you’re just lost right now,” June suggested quietly, gently pressing a cold rag against my black eye, bringing a bit of relief..

“Lost implies I had a destination.”  We sat in silence for a little bit before I decided it was best for me to leave.  I left without a word knowing that June understood.  She stared at the floor, not looking up as I closed the door behind me.  Some things were best left unsaid and some things were best left unseen.  I was still in the same clothes from the fight so I opted to go undetected on my way home.  I’m not sure how people would react if they heard the mean and scary Phantom lived at home with his wheelchair bound father.  Would they feel guilty or would they assume the invisible man has something planned?

I waited to turn visible until I closed the front door.  I sighed as I turned the lock from the inside.

“Kennedy, is that you?” my father’s voice called out, he voice was weak.

“Yep,” I answered.  “Why didn’t you lock the door?” I called out, exhausted.

“Why should I?” he chuckled, coughing a bit as he rolled around the corner.

“Because it’s dangerous,” I said like it was obvious because it was to me.  He laughed and I stared at him in confusion.  “There are evil people in the world,” I elaborated.

“I don’t believe in evil,” he said plainly, giving me a dismissive wave.  He turned his chair around and wheeled himself into the kitchen.

“You realize you’re saying that to a supervillain, right?” I asked rhetorically.  Dad stopped, spun his chair around, and stared at me seriously.

“Come here,” he said quietly, pointing to the ground in front of him.  I knelt down in front of him and he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.  “You, my son, are not a villain.  You never have and never will be.  You are going through a hard time and have made some bad decisions but that does not make you evil.  This ability that you have does not define you.”  He placed his hand over my heart and I placed my hand over his.  “The heart does not beat in a body of evil,” he said quietly and I didn’t question him.  “Listen,” he whispered.  I listened closely.  He pulled his hand out from under mine and placed my own hand over my heart.  I could feel it beat as I breathed deeply.  “Evil does not exist in your heart, no matter how hard you try or how much you think it should.  You are the Invisible Man but that does not make an evil man.”

“What if the Invisible Man was evil?”  I asked quietly, biting my lip. 

“I don’t think he was.” he answered just as quietly.

“He hurt people, he stole stuff,” I cried, not just talking about the character anymore.

“He didn’t choose to be evil, it was expected of him by ignorant people just as ignorant people expect it of you.”  I looked up at my father.  “When I was young, my father was a drunk and didn’t care for his children.  He ended up leaving and everyone expected me to do the same when we found out your mother was pregnant with you.  They expected me to abandon you but your mother knew better.  She gave you my name as your middle name because she believed in me.  She gave you my last name because she knew I would want you in my life more than anything.  I ignored all what everyone expected of me and did what I felt was right. Now it is time for you to do the same.”  He sat back in his wheelchair and looked at me proudly.  “Kennedy Bobby Murray, I will always love you.”

Tears ran down my cheeks as I hugged my elderly father.  He hugged me tightly back and I could feel the tears running down his face as well. 

✳     ✳     ✳

  My name is Lee Santiago and I am the Phoenix.  I’m supposed to be a superhero, you know, a person in a stupid custom that flies around saving the day.  You might be confused why I said supposed to.  I am a superhero, but it wasn’t really my choice.  I made the mistake of revealing my power of flight to the wrong person and now everyone expects me to save the day.  I didn’t have the best upbringing and now I have the pressure of saving the world on my shoulders.  Everyone expects the superhero to be a joyful extrovert not a self-conscious introvert.  I’m temperamental at best.  I actually saw a study recently that the number of introverts that picked flight or invisibility was actually relatively equal along with the choice of extroverts.  Not that I was searching for it or anything.  I guess that just goes to show one choice can’t really tell you anything about someone.

As I was thinking this, I was sitting in my girlfriend’s apartment. Ruby gently wrapped my bruised and battered knuckles.  I winced everytime she pulled them a smidge too tight.  I brushed a strand of red hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear.  My own curly, black hair was tied back into a short ponytail to keep it out of my face.  She knew how I felt and knew very well that I never wanted to be a superhero.  She was the only person who understood how I felt and that itself was a comfort.  

“You know,” Ruby spoke, trying to make small talk.  “I read an email today in a scientific magazine about personality.”

“Really?” I chuckled slightly.  “What it’d say?” I asked, half paying attention and half zoning out while staring at the wall.

“Talking about how personality was an abstract concept and how there is no universal definition of good or evil,” she said nonchalantly as if she hadn’t taken notes about the whole thing and perfected her speech for five minutes before bringing it up.  

“You’re trying to convince me to stop being the Phoenix, aren’t you?” I gave her a knowing look.  I wasn’t upset and I actually hoped she had a good reason to stop.  As much as I wanted to please society, I was ready to stop.  I was ready to get rid of every single electronic I own just so I wouldn’t hear anyone talking about where I had gone or when I was going to be back.

“Being a superhero isn’t the only way to be a good person.  There are plenty of other ways to save a life by doing something you actually want to do.  You’re trying to shape your personality around your power and society and it’s breaking you.  You’re focusing so much on what society wants that you’re forgetting what you want.”  She laid her hand gently on my face.  “I love you, not the Phoenix.”

“I know,” I whispered, laying my head on her tiny shoulder.  “I feel like I’m stuck in a loop.  Everytime I try to get out someone starts crying about how I abandoned them.  I can’t live with that guilt.”

“What if you didn’t have to?” Ruby asked quietly.  It was obvious she had an idea.

“What are you suggesting?” I asked, a little suspicious.

“What if you weren’t there to protect them anymore, what if everyone knew you weren’t gonna come back, what if,” she paused.  “What if everyone thought you were dead?”.

[forevermore-quoth-the-kitten]

BATFAM AS QUOTES BUT THIS TIME IS SAO ABRIDGED LETS GO!

Frist | Next

Damian: just stay calm, you already have everything you need to beat it.

Jon, temporarily powerless and panicking: the power to believe in myself?!

Damian: Noo, my sword. Stab it!!

-

Jason: there, was that so hard? fucking drama queen.

Tim: YOU PUT A KNIFE IN MY FACE! I’D SAY THIS IS AN ADEQUATE AMOUNT OF DRAMA!!

-

Jason: Dickie, Dickie, Dickie. Look, ok? I get it. you had a really bad day! You’re stressed out, 7 people died-

Dick: 12 PEOPLE!

Jason: Not the point. Look, they’re dead now, and really, whose fault is that?

Dick: YOURS!!

Jason: That’s right, no ones’.

-

Tim: Oh spare me, ‘wonder woman’, you’re only doing this to prove I was wrong.

Steph: Hey, at least I pretend to be nice to people!

Tim: yeah whatever- wait ‘pretend’?

-

Dick, about to duke it out with Bruce in the cave: here Duke, you take it.

Duke, when he finally starts to show Batfam Dark Humor: ah, handing the black man the murder weapon, tale as old as time.

-

Jason: Uugghh!!! fine, B, I’ll humor you. Damian, why would your evil clone have wanted to make sweet love your friends’ chest with the business end of a broadsword?

Everyone: *shocked pikachu face*

Steph: Jesus Christ Jason.

-

Steph with Black Mask’s knife to her throat: Enjoy this while you can, it’s the deepest you’ll ever be in a woman.

-

Bruce, every time he meets a sad dark haired orphan that probably has blue eyes: I WOULD LIKE TO BUY ONE CHILD PLEASE!

-

Tim, trying to get Bart to calm down after a late night horror movie: I think we can safely assume, that a ghost was not the culprit here. Right Nightwing?

Dick, a chaotic little shit who loves drama: Of course not! obviously it was a hit by the mermaid mafia paid in leprechaun gold. But who was the puppet master? The Unicorns? No, they’ve had a fued going on with the Mermaids for years.

Tim, now barely staying upright with a trembling Bart holding onto him: DAMMIT NIGHTWING THIS IS SERIOUS!!

-

Jason, running towards an Untitled: alright ugly, let me teach you why they call me the legendary- *gets hit out of the way immediately* -fUCK!

-

Dick: Because I’ve got a date with destiny!

Steph: yeah, i don’t need to know the name of your preferred cam-girl bro.

-

*while calling Bruce to get him out of a meeting, all background voices with the sound effects by Jason and Damian after Dick dropped the phone*

Tim: oh god!

Steph: it’s spreading!

Duke: grab the women and children!

Dick: yeah, we’ll use them as shields!

*explosion*

-

Damian: Thomas.

Duke: yeah? 

Damian: If if doesn’t cause you much trouble, tell Drake I did not actually call it ‘the piece of shit’.

Duke: . . . kayy, i’m gonna need a little more info to go on there-

Damian: and Todd-

Duke: oh ok, i guess we’re just done here.

-

Dick, narrating to Jason what Bruce was like when he died like the over-dramatic circus brat he is: And so they say, Batman’s heart grew three sizes that day. And then immediately shrank 6, imploding into a black hole from which no love could escape.

-

Cass, protecting a hurt Damian who missed her ballet recital because they kidnapped him and is very pissed: you see, there’s no need to wonder where your god is. Because she’s right here, and she’s fresh out of mercy.

Damian: *thoroughly impressed*

Criminals: *pissing their pants at the fact the tiny twice as scary batman with a stitched face creepier than Scarecrow can talk*

-

Dick: hey I hear those air quotes, you son of a bitch.

[obeiii-mee]

Can I angst for Mammon where he is in a really bad mood and his brothers are at it again calling him names. And already ask them kindly to leave him alone but they keep at it. And Levi says something and it's the last straw. The air around them get cold for a moment as he slowly looks up and he flat out threatens them to shut up before he puts them back into there place with a really dark and threatening voice, before leaving. And the look could rival Satan's or even Lucifers glare.

I think Mammon takes the abuse of his brothers but sometimes he isn't in the mood and want a little peace and it is very very rare for him to get pissed

Like he's the kind of person who would yell when he's upset but when he's down right pissed it's like really fucking scary

People forget that as much as he lets his brothers push him around he is still the second oldest and is powerful so 😬

Brothers+ undateables reaction

Mammon snaps:

___________________

This is something I’ve mentioned in previous posts, but I basically second everything you said. I believe that Mammon dislikes getting into confrontations but isn’t by any means weak or stupid. He is the second eldest. However he is also, arguably, the one with the most self control out of them all. He has an overwhelming amount of patience when it comes to his siblings and I like to think he puts up with all of their insults because he loves them. Then again, it’s very possible for him to go berserk after years worth of build up.

Thanks for the request!!! I had a bit of trouble at first because I didn’t know how I was going to format it but I like the way it turned out so I hope you do too. Uhh also I reached my word limit writing this so I couldn’t include Simon, Luke and Solomon. I do plan on writing for them as well but at this point I’m just trying to get this done. Let me know if I made any grammatical errors! I double check my writing all the time but sometimes mistakes got over my head! The undateables are short because honestly I view the brothers as the ones who will suffer the most out of everyone. I hope you enjoy reading it anyway!!

•Characters: Lucifer, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Belphagour, Diavolo, Barbatos.

⚠️Warnings: Cursing, mentions of blood & gore and that’s about it.

___________________

For the past few months, Lord Diavolo’s pleasure of hosting parties and inviting people over had become more and more noticeable. It was pretty obvious that the Prince was lonely, isolating himself from others due to the responsibilities he has as the heir to the throne and a leader in the making. Attending his gatherings seemed like a down right chore for most of the brothers but you never had any problem tagging along. Besides, it felt nice knowing he seemed you worthy of coming to such important meetings. Your seven demons were, of course, also invited and per Lucifer’s orders, they all got cleaned up and dressed in fancy clothing to impress the regals prancing about the castle. Though the outfits themselves came with their own set of problems. Levi’s was way too tight; the collar seemed to annoy him more than anything else, judging by the patches of red skin on his neck. Satan accidentally ripped one of the buttons from his jacket off in a fit of rage earlier that day and was now silently fuming while poking his finger through the hole he made. Even Asmo spilled some water on his shirt before they arrived, ruining his pretty pink suit! Not to mention Beel was munching on his tie, having last eaten about 15 minutes beforehand. Lucifer pulled it out of his mouth and scowled at the saliva stains that were left behind. Safe to say they were all in a miserable mood to begin with.

“I expect all of you to behave in a respectable manner,” Lucifer flicked Belphie on the back of the head just as he began dozing off, making the youngest growl at him. He shot Mammon an irritated look “I’m especially talking to you Mammon. Don’t try to steal anything or I’ll cut your hands off.”

“I told ya big bro, ya don’t have to worry about me! I’ll be a golden child today! Promise!” Mammon held up his pinky as if he was committing to some kind of oath. The eldest darkened his glare and opened his mouth to say something else, but you interrupted in hopes of avoiding any bickering that might’ve followed.

“Look, there’s our table! Let’s go sit down. Lord Diavolo’s speech is going to start any minute now.”

Beel leaped at the table as soon as he sniffed out the appetisers, which were neatly arranged on the expensive tablecloth, shoving at least half of them in his mouth by the time the rest of you caught up with him. Having been seated, you quickly glanced around the room in hopes of spotting Diavolo. You bumped into Solomon and the angels before entering the castle, chit chatting with them for a while about the event. Even now, Luke was excitedly waving at you from across the room, using both of his arms. However, Lord Diavolo and Barbatos were the ones in charge of this party and you were yet to see either of them.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Mammon eyeing the golden utensils laid out in front of him. Not the biggest of surprises really. Anytime Mammon sees something along the lines of gold, he can’t help but snatch it away. And there’s obviously so many valuables scattered all over the place, including the silverware that was proudly presented on every table. You sucked in a breath of anticipation when he reached for one of the spoons, only to exhale in relief when he placed it on the bridge of his nose, trying to balance it.

“MC, look at this!” He tapped your shoulder, as always wanting your full and undivided attention as he demonstrated his newfound skill. You giggled at his antics with fondness as he accidentally let the spoon drop with a clatter and a quiet ‘shit’ coming from him. Lucifer pulled on his ear, like a mother scolding her child and whisper-yelled at him to stop acting like an idiot. The only reason the oldest chose a sit right next to Mammon was to maintain order and peace. Basically, he did it for disciplinary reasons.

“I understand that being impertinent is your full-time job, Mammon but keep this up and I’ll throw you in Cerberus’ room. Let him do with you as he pleases.”

“Lucifer, it’s not a big deal-“

“Yeah, OK,” Mammon hissed, picking up the spoon from the recently polished floor with a slight grin that didn’t quiet reach his eyes “I gotcha. Can-“

“Speaking of Cerberus,” Levi suddenly piped in, no longer fussing about his collar or nervously twiddling with his thumbs because of the massive crowd of demons surrounding him “Didn’t you force me to walk him last week when it was your turn to do it?? I only agreed because you promised to buy me the newest Ruri-Chan limited edition body pillow that came out last Tuesday! And you never did! And now they’re out of stock, you scummy piece of-“

The third eldest would’ve leapt across the table and aimed for the throat if you hadn’t pressed a gentle hand against his chest, making him sit back down with a huff. People were starting to stare at the commotion coming from your table, turning heads and muttering between themselves. You were slowly dying from embarrassment by the way, since you guys definitely became the topic of conversation for the other guests. The brothers were being too noisy to even notice and Lucifer himself was too preoccupied to see the scene they were creating which made you further slouch down into your chair, silently hoping for the ground to swallow you whole. The night really wasn’t going as intended. You could hear Solomon laughing at the brothers’ antics from three tables down.

“I guess that’s Mammon for you,” Belphie yawned, barely raising his head from table “He lies everyday, all day. What exactly is new here? And that says something since it’s coming from me.”

“I apologised for that!” Mammon whined, referring to Levi’s accusation and choosing not to address Belphie’s insult “I was gonna buy it but then I realised I spent all my money earlier that week anyway so I couldn’t!”

“Perhaps that wouldn’t happen if you learned how to save the money you earn properly,” Satan muttered, sipping from his glass of whatever beverage he had snatched from the servants earlier “Not like you know how to earn money in any way besides stealing it.”

You watch as Mammon clenched his fist “Can we please just move on-“

“I can’t believe that I was cursed with this moron for a brother,” Asmo sighed, almost theatrically, as if he was performing. And, in a way, he was. People were getting really interested in the drama unfolding over there. It was making you even more anxious, all those eyes staring at you. The Avatar of Lust was leaning so much on his chair, you were sure he was going to topple over and at this point, you kinda hoped he would. Anything to stop this momentum of hatred aimed at Mammon “You’re always getting us in trouble, you know. Hmph, we can’t go anywhere with you Mammon! You always end up ruining it for us! With your stupid schemes and-“

“I’m hungry-“

“Not now, Beel!”

“Cutting him up into tiny pieces for the witches will always be an option,” Lucifer chimed in, smiling at the thought.

Mammon snapped his head upwards at that. It was such an abrupt reaction, it made you jolt a little in your seat. You couldn’t miss the tension radiating from him, how quickly his body stiffened and exactly how hard his hands were gripping the edge of the table. His brothers were still paying him no mind, blaming him for this and that under their breath or being silently judgemental in Lucifer’s case. You worried for him because Mammon rarely acted like this; feral, in a way. Just so you know, he definitely noticed it. The look of concern plastered all over your face. That’s the only reason he released the table from his vice-like grip and slouched back against his chair. Satan went quiet and was staring at Mammon in bewilderment.

He disliked the idea of you watching him lose control of himself. He was your guardian. Your first pact. It’s important to him that your relationship is build around a pillar of trust. And he can’t even expect you to trust him if he exposes you to his demon form every time something inconveniences him. Mammon would rather cease to exit than have you fear him. So he kept his breathing regulated as the fog cleared his mind. The Avatar of Greed isn’t an angry demon. Snuffing out the the flame of rage he had fanned up until then was relatively easy. He just needed to get through tonight, then he could go home and complain to you about it once he got out of his brothers’ earshot.

“Why does he get to spend so much time with MC anyway? He’d probably sell them for a few Grimm any time of the day, wouldn’t he? It’s so fucking unfair. He won’t change no matter what so why risk MC’s safety? I will summon Lotan on him if he starts getting on my nerves.”

It would be an understatement to say that those words rubbed Mammon the wrong way, judging by the lack of immediate response. It was unexpected for him keep his mouth shut at a time like this. What was even more unexpected was the abrupt, delayed reaction he had a few seconds afterwards, resulting in his chair being flung back about 5 feet in that general direction. The seemingly deafening thud it made when it collided with the floor echoed around the dining hall, bouncing off walls and whacking people over the heads with the aggression behind it. A moment of pure, indescribably loud silence filled the crowded space as everyone else stared in shock at their brother, mouths agape and eyes bulging out of their sockets. Mammon would’ve laughed at their faces if it weren’t for the circumstances leading up to that point.

“What gives any of you the right to treat me like some sort of punching bag?” Mammon drawled, accentuating his obviously superior nature to almost every single demon at that table. He laughed, in an oddly half hearted way, before his sea struck gaze landed back to his siblings “Do not try to push me into a corner, because I will not handle it well. You’ve been having a field day with me for centuries now and I’m starting to get really ticked off, ya know? But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’ve done everything in my power to keep MC alive for the past few months and y’all are acting as if I’m out here playing with their life. Complain about me all you want. But...” He thumped the table, loud enough to make all the noblemen in the room flinch.

“Don’t you dare insinuate that I would ever put MC in danger, willingly or not because I will rip out your insides and paint the walls of this palace with them while hanging your intestines from these chandeliers. I will pluck your hairs out one by one, then your nails, then your eyeballs and then your teeth. You’re the ones that have put MC in danger’s way time and time again in the past few weeks, and you’re out here trying to suggest that I would even think about hurting them? Unlike every single one of you, who almost killed my human-you’re lucky I don’t have your fucking heads.”

He smashed his fist into the table again, using even more of his strength this time and effectively breaking the whole thing, the wooden legs giving out and shattering into thousands of splinters. Mammon spoke again, his voice lowering “MC forgave you. I didn’t. And I have no reason to. Not with how you’ve been treating me.”Once he spit that out, Mammon turned on his heel and left, slamming the door shut behind him hard enough to shake the whole building, leaving his siblings in dazed awe.

......

Even more silence. For some reason, all of the brothers at the now broken table ended up looking your way, silently questioning what they should do. It often ended up like this

You gave them all an unimpressed stare and a half-assed shrug “Don’t look at me. You guys fucked up.” Before sliding out of your seat and following Mammon out of the castle, sending an apologetic smile to Diavolo on your way out. Hopefully, you could manage to calm him down before everyone else gets home otherwise this might drag on for a while.

Lucifer:

-In all honesty, he probably saw the signs from a mile away and still decided to ignore them

-Maybe because he believed they weren’t being all that harsh on him, even if in Mammon’s eyes they were

-‘Harsh’ in Lucifer’s vocabulary usually means being hanged upside down from a ceiling or publicly executed, not a couple of mere insults

-Not to mention the eldest had always been horrible at communicating with his brothers when it came to emotions

-Despite Mammon clearly suffering from the treatment he received from his brothers, Lucifer refuses to believe he’s the root of the problem

-As the Avatar of Pride, he always had a hard time realising that all those words and the constant teasing, which he deemed to be pretty harmless, scarred Mammon a lot more than expected

-Once he actually comes to that conclusion, and after getting over the initial shock, Lucifer would probably feel the guiltiest out of them all

-Being the eldest means he carries quite a few burdens on his shoulders as most responsibilities fall on him due to his prideful nature

-He would blame himself for Mammon’s outburst simply because he’s the older brother and he should’ve known better, not just because he sees how a big of a role he played in all of this

-Usually, if his brothers do something bad, then he’s there to fix it within hours, that’s how it always worked

-Except he doesn’t know how to fix this exactly

-The problem is he has no idea how to approach Mammon after that sudden meltdown and he has no idea how to talk it out with him because he sucks at expressing himself verbally

-And since this took place in a public space, Lord Diavolo’s Palace no less, he felt really conflicted on what should have been done at that moment in time

-There was a lot of frustration, embarrassment and confusion in him for a good five minutes after Mammon slammed that door shut behind him and even after he gathered his thoughts together, he was still in shock for the rest of the night

-In any case, the whole event was promptly cancelled and everyone ended up going home earlier than expected, after Lucifer apologised to Diavolo about the spectacle they created (several times)

-When they finally get home, he decided to give Mammon his space instead of trying to knock at his door and instead went back to his room

-He knows they will need to solve this matter soon but there’s no way Mammon will want to see, let alone talk, to any of them just yet

-He’s sort of hoping he can apologise best he can next morning at breakfast, cross his fingers and wish for the best but judging by the venom that laced Mammon’s voice the night before, it’s not likely he will forgive any of them that easily.

Levi:

-If I were to guess, he saw the ending credits of his life flash before his very eyes as soon as those words left his mouth

-Levi felt a panic in him like never before, not even while playing his engaging horror visual novels at 3am in complete darkness or that one time he used Lucifer’s credit card to buy merch before being found out

-Must’ve forgotten his brother technically ranks higher than him on the power scale for a second there

-Or maybe he didn’t think his insults were going to affect him much

-They usually don’t

-Or at least that’s the impression he’s been under for a while now

-Mammon doesn’t snap easily under pressure but Levi must’ve really hit a nerve there that night

-While everyone was sitting in a short silence after Mammon left the building, he started twiddling with his fingers again the more he thought about it

-Because now he went from nervous to fucking terrified of what the hell was waiting for him when he finally got home

-He does feel guilty, nowhere near as much guilt as Lucifer feels but still pure shame

-However most of that guilt is swallowed by a steady fear and the constant worry of ‘how do I stop my brother from killing me?’

-Unlike Lucifer, I honestly don’t see him taking any sort of initiative when it comes to apologising to Mammon

-Not even because he doesn’t want to, but he would freeze up if he were to come face to face with him after that incident and then scamper back to his room like a rat in hiding

-So without your help, it’s likely the two won’t be speaking to each very soon which can honestly make life at the House of Lamentation so much more miserable

-In the end, if either you or Lucifer forced him to, he would say sorry by selling some of his merch and then giving him the profits (in secret but we all know it’s him)

-That is a big sacrifice on Levi’s part considering how precious his merchandise is to him

-But the idea that he’s gonna get murdered in his sleep by his older brother was getting a tad too real

-Besides, Mammon is still his brother and if he has to sell a couple of items in order to make him less mad, he would do it, albeit with a bit of grumbling

-Despite that, Mammon still refuses to come out of his room and sort of relies on you to bring him food because he doesn’t want to see his brothers

-Levi and Mammon would probably have to rebuild a lot of their relationship after this but it could easily take months for that to happen since Levi is too terrified to look him in the eye and Mammon is too upset to even hear his voice

Satan:

-He wouldn’t be the Avatar of Wrath if he couldn’t spot the anger within someone from a mile away

-He’s always been able to recognise the fury building up inside of him so for Satan it’s second nature to just know when someone’s on the brink of snapping

-It’s no surprise to say that he probably noticed Mammon’s wrath spilling out before anyone else did

-But alas, he realised it too late

-If he had reacted quicker, maybe he would’ve been able to diffuse Mammon before he exploded on them. Or not

-It’s difficult to tell if he could’ve actually helped because who was he to tell Mammon to calm down??? If anyone told him that while he was throwing a fit, he would probably break their necks-

-In the end, he just pressed his lips into a straight line and watched his brother throw his chair across the room

-Not gonna lie, he found it a bit entertaining purely because of the look on Lucifer’s face

-Satan had to try really hard not to crack a smile because he knew Mammon would probably smash a glass against his head or something

-Even so, he was the first to stand up and offer to go after him, though he wasn’t sure he could do much consoling

-Being so experienced with anger meant that he knew Mammon had built himself into a rage that he won’t be able to escape out of too easily

-Which is why he advises Lucifer to give Mammon his space once they get home

-Overall, the most understanding out of all of the brothers

-At this point in time, probably the least judgemental out of everyone and once Mammon comes out of his room for the first time in a while, either him or Beel is going to apologise to him first

-He may push and push him alongside the rest of his siblings but I feel like Satan doesn’t want to reach a certain low, like cornering Mammon into the frenzy he had that day ever again

-He might get pissy with him if he’s being too stubborn to forgive anyone after coming down from his intrusive thoughts

-And he really hates that Mammon had to remind them about all the times you had nearly died because of them, because he knows they won’t be able to make it up to you so why is Mammon upset about this????

-But he will try to maintain respect for his older brother from then on

-Even if the sharpest of remarks is on the top of his tongue!

Asmo:

-Asmo is the type to laugh it off and then start feeling really upset about it later on, the longer he thinks about the whole thing

-After Mammon storms out, he just assumes it’s another one of those ‘Mammon’ things and tried to brush the feeling of unease off him

-Even so, later that night the memory of Mammon kept coming back to him while he laid in his bed, unable to have a nice rest for the first time in how long? He’s always been really strict about his sleeping schedules after all

-Asmo’s observant, almost on par with Satan himself when it comes down to it. He definitely saw the gleam of anger, pent up frustration and hatred in his brothers’ eyes that moment and it legitimately scared him, even if it was for just half a second

-Honestly, he begins neglecting himself out of anticipation and worry which is a huge red flag for the Avatar of Lust who always holds himself at such a superior level compared to everyone else

-It may start out slow, but it has the same effect as a snowball rolling down the hill. It becomes more of a problem the longer it’s ignored

-Because he spends most of his days now debating whether he should try to coax his brother into coming out of his room and apologising to him, he forgets about himself

-Skincare routines are missed, pedicure appointments have been cancelled; hell, if Mammon’s keeps being stubborn, he may let his hair become absolutely filthy

-Asmo sort of relies on his brothers to provide the living environment he revolves around. If something is off with his brothers, he can not work properly either because it doesn’t feel right to do so

-Imagine a machine not working anymore because one of the clogs in it got stuck

-I can see Asmo feeling a decent amount of guilt when it comes to the situation but he still blames Levi for completely pushing him over the edge at dinner

-So now those two aren’t talking (it’s honestly so exhausting since they’re shoving the blame onto each other without stop)

-If Mammon decides to come out and hear them out, Asmo might get on his knees and beg because that guilt bubbling up inside of him may end up being his demise

-No seriously, MC might need to keep an eye out on him too while comforting Mammon because whatever he is doing isn’t healthy

-Takes Mammon’s outburst pretty badly and tries apologising to him many times but the second eldest still hasn’t said a word to any of them

-And that’s driving him into a fucking swirl of insanity at this point

-Of course, much like Mammon’s mental breakdown, this builds up over time but the result can be devasting

-If you pass by his room at night, you could probably hear him sob about how his brother hates him and it’s really heartbreaking to hear pained cries like that coming from such an overly confident demon like Asmo

Beel:

-Literally the only one here that doesn’t dish out insults onto Mammon every hour of the day

-He joins in very rarely and even when he does, it’s usually in good nature rather than malice

-Unless food is involved. Feelings (and Mammon) might be hurt if that’s the case

-Beel wasn’t listening to his siblings as they were diminishing Mammon, he was way too hungry to comprehend what the hell they were on about

-So he just started wolfing down appetisers until he noticed you looking all weary

-That’s the first thing that put him on alert

-And then the second born’s aura was also...off putting

-Might’ve actually tried to nudge Belphie to stop him from saying anything offensive to Mammon in this state when he realised how tense the atmosphere got

-Flinched when his brother left the palace, almost cracking the whole doorway on his way out

-Hunger is all but gone and at this point he wants to go home to check up on him

-Beel is a bit of a softie and he wears his heart on his sleeve a lot of the times

-He never did anything particularly bad to Mammon, not on the same scale his brothers did certainly and yet he still felt extremely bad

-Perhaps because he didn’t step in as much as he should’ve...?

-Either way, when his loved ones suffer, he has a tendency of putting the blame on himself because he feels it’s the only logical answer

-Honestly, he feels guilty enough to the point where it’s affecting his eating habits-which is obviously not normal for the Avatar of Gluttony

-Beel knows Mammon doesn’t want to talk to him but he still brings him food and leaves it at the doorstep of his room since he doesn’t want to come out and have dinner with them

-Or he relies on you to give it to him

-The thought of Mammon being so mad at them that he doesn’t even want to eat makes him feel so vulnerable

-As soon as he sees him for the first time since that night, he will probably be the first to apologise, even if Mammon isn’t in the mood to hear apologies

-Again, he’s trying to use food to make up to him (bringing him his favourites and paying for them)

-Even if he gets ignored, he’s still going to do it

-Beel is trying his best to say sorry to his older brother the only way he knows how to do so, but Mammon still doesn’t give in

Belphie:

-Could’ve been asleep the whole time Mammon was thrashing about

-Or at least that’s what it looked like to the average passer-by

-Kept one eye open to watch as Mammon finally snapped under pressure, having to raise his head once his brother broke the whole god damned table

-“OK, alright, storm off I guess-I have a splinter now-“

-Don’t trust that sarcastic commentary, he’s in deep thought on the inside

-Maybe he should’ve expected this but then again, he never would’ve guessed Mammon had it in him to be so aggressive

-Will narrow his eyes at him when he talks your death and scowl

-As if he didn’t already feel like the world’s biggest piece of shit, he had to bring that up

-As soon as he leaves, he turns to Lucifer and goes “See what you did? You broke Mammon. You suck, Lucifer.”

-The shifting of blame suits Belphie really well (it takes Beel side glancing him to get him to shut up)

-The Avatar of Sloth is too tired to even try to communicate with his brother so he goes straight to bed after getting home

-However, he actually visits Mammon’s dreams that night

-Or at least tries to, if Mammon is getting any sleep after that showdown

-It’s his way of checking in with his brother, helps him evaluate the situation

- Whether that works or not, there was definitely an attempt that required a lot of effort and you don’t see that very often with Belphagour

-It really demonstrates how much he actually cares for his family, even if he hides behind snide remarks and the likes of it

-However, if Mammon refuses communication, then he can’t do anything but give up

-He clearly won’t be able to convince him to step aside for a chit chat and why waste energy trying to force him to do so

-When the time comes, Belphie knows his brother will willingly talk to him (or at least someone else because he knows he’s not any good at comfort or apologies)

-At the same time, a lot of the things Mammon said during that party rubbed him the wrong way and seeing his twin suffer because of it is also pissing him off so patience may be running thin with Belphie

-Like Levi, there may be a lot of ice between the two from then onwards so it won’t be easy for them to find the middle ground in this whole argument either

-It could lead to a strained relationship if no one intervenes or even a physical fight if the youngest pushes all of Mammon’s buttons properly

Diavolo:

-The Future King feels guilty too, for some reason

-He is clearly not involved but he’s under the impression his party was a catalyst of sorts to the fight that broke out that night

-Diavolo wasn’t even in the same room when it happened-he heard shouting and growling from next door whilst talking to a noble about future arrangements in DevilDom and rushed in

-The sight was something to behold really; Mammon cornering all of his brothers and threatening them with pure venom in his voice wasn’t something you saw everyday

-More often than not, it was the other way around so the Prince had every right to be concerned

-He tried asking Lucifer what was going on after the second eldest slammed the door shut behind him and left but to no avail; the Avatar of Pride was in a state of shock and the only thing he did was apologise to him about a million times before his departure with the rest of his siblings

-Despite his worry, Diavolo tried not to get involved in the aftermath either, believing it’s not his place to interfere and hoping they would solve it out amongst themselves

-He did give Mammon permission to miss RAD classes for that week, thinking a small break is what he needed most

-Even drops by every now and then to check up on him (he just asks you how he’s holding up because he doesn’t want to pry)

-He can’t do much but watch from the sidelines, I mean this is a family dispute so it would be wise to just give them all a bit of space

-If it drags on for too long, however, he will be forced to do something because the brothers are all distracted and can’t get on with their student council work because of it

-Lucifer is even more stressed than usual and can’t even focus during their meetings so for the sake of his friend, if nothing gets resolved quickly, he will intervene and it won’t be pretty

-For now, he’s counting on you to make sure there are no further incidents but it’s unlikely you can stop a train once it’s set in motion so just hope Mammon doesn’t come out of his room until he’s calmed down

Barbatos:

-The butler is a Time Lord so it’s probably no surprise to find out he already knew this was going to happen eventually

-Not like he believed Mammon was going to take his brothers’ insults for much longer anyway

-Being the quiet and observant demon he is, he’s been keeping a close eye on the Avatar of Greed knowing damn well he was going to lose his patience soon enough and go on the offence

-If he knew this was going to happen at such an important moment in time, he would’ve warned his majesty beforehand but he failed to see the potential catastrophe awaiting his breakdown

-Again, he has no right to intervene

-Unless, of course, Lord Diavolo asks him to do so but really the most he can do is give you tips on how to deal with miserable demons

-I mean, you’re the one that’s going to be stuck with them for the rest of the year and this isn’t the type of conflict that gets resolved too easily

-Barbatos is clever so if there is still bitterness between Mammon and his siblings after an amount of time passed, he might try to change timelines (with the permission of Diavolo)

-He’s had enough of Beel coming over to eat his cakes and cry about his older brother hating him (believe it or not, the butler is definitely a bit fond of the sixth eldest so his cries did pull at his heartstrings)

-Basically, in the same position as the Prince

-He relies on you to get them all to make up but he knows it’s not likely to happen any time soon

-For now, he’s getting ready for the chain reaction this fight set in motion because there was no easy way to end this, considering they’re all vicious demons and all

—————————————————————-

Al~ im mad I couldn’t add Simon, Luke and Solomon-I want to write for them too >:(

[cursed-domain]

Shiny Toys

Toji has a gun and you think it’s. Neat.

WC ~2.1k

Thanks @yuurrrrrrr for sparking the idea, I hope you like the result

Contains: NSFW!! GUN. Gun play and fear play. There’s a gun, and use of it is threatened within a consensual sexual context. Threat recipient know’s she’s ~probably~ safe but… fear is part of the excitement for her.

Also uhh dick sucking, dacryphilia and maybe a splash of degradation

I was gonna do something chill for my first fic on here but then. this happened instead. oops.

———————————————————————

“You gotta leave soon?” you ask.

Toji shakes his head. “I got time. Just for you, y’know.”

“Sure.” You laugh, because you know you’re not that special. You’re just - convenient, and maybe even a little bit interesting. And also, perhaps, insane for even being here right now. Most of the guys you’ve shared a hotel room with don’t have that kind of body count. But… fuck it. This isn’t the first time you’ve been here with him, and it won’t be the last.

Toji has his feet kicked up on a table. Seeing him so relaxed, you wouldn’t guess what he was going to do once he left. Just a job, he calls it. One that pays real well. It makes your heartbeat race, seeing him so nonchalant about the power he holds. You wish you could say it was from fear.

“Gonna be an easy one today,” he says, folding his hands behind his head. “So I got plenty of time. Just gonna take an hour and a couple toys to get it done.”

You raise your eyebrows, smirking, and he cuts you off before you can even open your mouth. “Not that kind of toy. Fuck. You can’t turn that side of your brain off for one second.”

“You make it hard.”

“Hmm.” He’s smiling. This is somewhat rare. And potentially dangerous. “You wanna see my favorite? I got it in my pocket right now.”

“Favorite toy?” You should probably just bite your tongue now. “Thought that was me.”

“You’re fuckin hilarious.” His hand moves, lightning fast, and in it materializes a handgun. Casually pointed in your general direction. Safety on, of course. You’re pretty sure. “That’s why you’re a close second.”

You get up and come to stand at his side. He spins the gun casually in his hand. It’s small, compact, shiny - “Kinda pretty,” you say.

“Yeah.” He laughs. “Pretty. Until -“ he’s quick again. It materializes right against the side of your head. “Boom.” With his free hand, he mimics a gunshot.

“…Mhmm.” Your voice is faint, suddenly, different enough from usual to make him suspicious.

“Why so quiet?” He grabs your wrist, yanking you down to lean over him. “Did I scare you?”

“Kinda.” Fuck. You can feel yourself getting red. Getting hot. “But. Um.” You glance at the weapon, still held tight in his hand.

“Oh?” His grip tightens on your wrist, and he pulls you closer. “You liked that, didn’t you?”

“Um. Maybe…”

His grip tightens on your wrist. Then he nudges your temple with the opening of the cold metal barrel, and your brain goes blank again. And with him staring you down like this, forcing you to stay right where he wants you - reflexively, your thighs clench tightly together.

Toji notices everything. He has to. And even if he didn’t, you aren’t exactly subtle. “Knew you had a long, long list of turn-ons,” he laughs, “but this is new.” Keeping the barrel pressed against your head, he yanks your arm forward, forcing you to bend down to his eye level. He kicks his feet up off the table. “You’re a little slut for danger, aren’t you?”

Your brain isn’t working. The only option is the truth. “Yes. Mhmm.“

He yanks you into position again, depositing you on his lap. “You’re very lucky you’re mine right now.” His breath is hot in your ear, his teeth bared. “Because I’m gonna have some fun with this.”

The gun doesn’t budge. You squirm in his lap as his fingernails dig into your skin.

“Stay still,” he admonishes. “You’re being so impatient already. I haven’t even done anything yet.”

You could argue against this. His free hand is already riding very high on your thigh. And sitting like this, right between his legs, feeling him through his clothes - he knows it’s unreasonable to expect your patience. But cold metal is sliding across your cheek, now, so you manage to keep yourself quiet.

“You’re shaking. Scared? Or…” The barrel rubs up against your lips, and his hand slides between your legs.

“I like being scared,“ you whisper. “‘s really hot when you’re scary.”

He scoffs. “You haven’t seen me scary. Not yet. Do you really want to?”

You nod frantically. “Mhmm.”

“Hmm.” He nudges your mouth open with the edge of the barrel. “Think you’re gonna regret that, sweetheart.”

Your eyes widen as the cylinder slides past your lips and shoves into your mouth. You whimper in a faint protest as it comes close to scraping the back of your throat.

“You’ve got your lips curled back. Don’t you?” He presses his fingers and palm hard against your cunt, through your clothes, forcing a whimper out of your stuffed mouth. “Bet your tongue is dragging along the bottom, too. Don’t be embarrassed. I like that. Means you’re well trained.”

You seem to be frozen in place. But you feel your head nod, up and down.

“Now,” he says. “In a second, if you behave yourself, I’m going to take this out of your mouth. But I’m going to keep it very close to your head. You’re going to thank me for letting you go, and then you’re going to get on your knees right there on the floor. And you’re gonna suck my cock like your life depends on it, because as far as you know, it might.”

You stay frozen. You can’t say anything, and you’re suddenly very scared of answering wrong. He wouldn’t do it. It’s not a real threat. It can’t be. But the amount of power he holds over you is making you dizzy and so, so hot. You rub your damp thighs together and let yourself believe it.

“Just nod again, sweetheart. You don’t even need to make a sound.”

You force yourself to move, just enough to do as he says.

“Good. Now, it feels like your mouth is really clamped down on this thing. And I don’t wanna hurt your precious lips on the way out. So open up a little wider, alright? Very good.” As promised, his hand stays close, hovering right beside your head as the other tugs on the waist of your skirt. “Now, what do you say?”

“Th -” You’re so short of breath that you have to start over. “Thank you. Thank you - for sparing me. And - and for letting me serve you. I’ll do so good for you. I promise.”

“Gonna hold you to that, sweetheart.”

You scramble to the floor right before he rises from his seat, turning around as he pulls the waist of his pants below his hips. His toy never leaves his hand, though, and soon he’s aiming it down, right at your skull.

“Strip for me before you start,” he orders. “Give me something nice to look at, yeah?”

“Mhmm. Yes, sir.” It takes longer than it should. Your hands shake as you pull your shirt over your head and fumble over the clasp of your bra.

Once you’re naked before him, Toji grabs your jaw and tilts your head back. Then he leans over you, and trails the barrel of his gun up your stomach, stopping to hold it upright between your tits, grinning as your eyes widen. “What’re you thinking about?” He shakes his head. “Dirty little slut.” Before he stands up, he spits into your open mouth, and without hesitation, you swallow it. “‘Least you know how to behave yourself.”

He reaches out to grab your hair, twisting his fingers through it before yanking you forward. “You’re making me impatient, now,” he says.“You’re too scared to move? Let’s see if I can get you so scared that you have to.” He let’s go of your hair, and then your entire body tenses as a click echoes out above you. “Safety’s off, sweetheart. Only one way to get it back on.”

Nononono…. You don’t dare give yourself a chance to protest. You lurch forward, letting all the cock you can fit into your mouth, holding back a gag as it penetrates your throat. It’s not even close to all the way down, either. You doubt you could take him all the way - doubt anyone could. You’re too big, you whined, the first time you tried. I can’t - ‘s too much. You come up for a breath, determined to show him you’ve improved. Show him you’re worth keeping.

“Slow down, princess.” He pushes your hair back from your face and trails his index finger down your jawline. “You’re so eager. I’ve taught you better than that. Done this enough times to know you gotta build up, right?”

You pull back and nod frantically, not daring to look up. “I - I’m sorry -“ you stammer. I could die. I really could -

“Start again. Nice and slow. Control yourself.” He grins crookedly, and places his hand firmly on the back of your head. “You’ll know when it’s time to change that. Alright?”

You squeak out an “mhmm,” not even giving yourself time to nod your head before you lick a thick, slow stripe up the underside of Toji’s cock. You’re not sure if you can control yourself enough to do anything more precise. You’re shaking, blinking hard and fast as you coat his shaft with your tongue. You manage to move up to the tip, enveloping it in your mouth as your tongue flicks gently underneath.

You don’t let yourself think. If you think, you’ll panic. Just one little twitch of his finger… and you asked for all of this. You’re fucking enjoying it.

You feel your tears welling up, but you don’t dare stop to wipe your eyes dry. You force yourself to follow your practiced motions, working your lips and tongue up and down his cock, over and over until the tears running down your cheeks mix with the drool overrunning the boundaries of your mouth.

Your eyes glance up at him, and you can tell from his expression that you are perfect. A perfect, terrified, sobbing, cock-hungry mess. Your jaw is tired, but you don’t dare stop. It’s almost a relief when he takes over, grabbing the back of your head and fucking hard into your open mouth, grinning wider as the beginnings of a gag bubble up in your throat. And there’s still more -

He lowers the gun for moment. Right in front of your face. Turned to the side so you can see his finger hovering over the trigger. “You wanna keep me happy, don’t you, love? Wanna keep yourself happy?”

A strange, pathetic little moan vibrates out of your mouth. Yes, you think. Anything -

“Then don’t you dare fucking struggle.”

Cold metal digs into your skull, and Toji’s nails dig into the back of your head as he forces you to stay still against the rutting of his hips. You whimper around the base of his cock as you try to resist the urge to pull back against his hand. Again and again, he forces as much as you’ve ever taken into your poor, exhausted throat. And of course, you don’t shy away one bit. Don’t even tug against his hand when you gag. There’s nothing you can do but let him fuck your throat raw.

Don’t try to stop, you tell yourself. Don’t fucking stop, or - or -

Just when you think you can’t take it anymore, you’re yanked back one last time. You look up, eyes still teary, as your tongue is coated with cum. You open your mouth wide so Toji can see it pooled before you swallow. There’s a click, and then something heavy clangs down on the table in front of you.

Toji’s hands, both empty, twist through your hair and then cup your face. He smiles down at you, holding you in place until your breaths slow and your heart rate steadies. “You wanna know something?

You nod, and he pulls you to your feet. He wraps his arms around you, pulling you close and leaning down to whisper his secret into your ear. “It was empty. Just hollow metal.”

“It…” you take a moment to understand. When you do, you bury your face in his shirt, suddenly blinking back tears all over again. “Toji… you fucking liar.”

“You wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun if I’d told you, princess. But I’m not quite that fucked up.” He grabs a fistful of your shirt and pulls you back, tipping your chin up with one finger. “Not around you, anyways.”

He’s grinning. Like a fucking psychopath. And it just makes you want to do it all again.

[fixated-frenzy]

Scenes that were hard to watch

⚠️Potential spoilers⚠️

We all know those scenes. The dreaded scenes that make us want to hit pause and never watch the rest of it because we know what’s coming. Those scenes that make us cringe to the core. Those scenes that we would rather live without . Unfortunately we’re gonna relive them today

1. STRANGER THINGS- Eleven hitting Angela with a roller skate

This one was both satisfying, yet hard to watch. Because we know that Angela well deserved it, but as I watched this for the first time I literally had to pause it and walk away because I was scared for what was going to happen to eleven. Is that a bit dramatic? Yeah a bit but I take my shows seriously, I mean look at our blog title. But luckily everything worked out and they were able to get her out of being arrested and all that.

2. ARCANE- Vi abandoning Powder

This one was one of the hardest scenes I’ve ever had to watch. Powder used her bomb to blow up a building and hurt and killed people she loved unintentionally. When Vi found out, she screamed at her, slapped her, and abandoned her for Silco to raise her and turn her into Jinx.

3. STEVEN UNIVERSE- White diamond taking out Steven’s gem

Everyone has wondered up to this point what would happen if they took out Steven’s gem, but I don’t think we wanted it to actually happen. White diamond wanted pink to show her true self and come out, but in reality, it’s just Steven and pink is truly gone. This scene was hard to watch because of how weak the removal of the gem made Steven and we didn’t know if he was going to die right then and there. It was really scary, but it needed to be done to show the diamonds that it’s Steven now and not Pink.

4.MIRACULOUS- Chat Blanc gets akumatized

When Chat noir gets akumatized, the scene was heartbreaking. Luckily everything was reversed and fixed. But he was in so much pain from the fact that his dad was keeping his mom’s body in their basement/ secret lair this whole time. So once he got akumatized he tried so hard to fight it, but his own dad forced him into it. This scene was so traumatic because of his own father using his pain for his own personal gain. Not to mention the world being destroyed because of Chat Blancs pain.

5. THE DRAGON PRINCE- Rayla falling

This scene had me on edge the whole time. The way Callum was crying and fell to go save her was everything, but it had me so scared that he wasn’t going to catch her or his powers wouldn’t work. And him saying I love you to her REALLY had me scared because I thought that would be the last time he would talk to her. His powers worked and he used his wings to catch her, but this scene had me on the edge of my seat.

If you watched these shows, sorry you had to relive these.

💕R

[ijustwant2write]

The Cheat-Thomas Shelby x Reader

(GIF credit to @myimaginesworld​)

Masterlist

Summary: (Y/N) makes the biggest mistake of her life in one night, praying that her husband will never find out. But no matter how hard she tries to hide it, Thomas Shelby knows everything.

Characters: Thomas Shelby x Reader

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

(Y/L/N)=Your last name

Warnings: Cheating, swearing, mentions of weapon, angst, arguing, divorce, threats, rape, violence, death

                                          *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why had I been so stupid?

I was a reckless woman, a cheater, a filthy, lying cheater. He didn’t deserve this. Not after everything he had been through. Not after everything he had done for me. Yet here I was, hunched up in shock whilst laying in another man’s bed, miles away from my own home.

My wedding ring reflected the light coming through the window, reminding me that I was indeed a married woman. My eyes shut quickly, blocking out the sight of it. It was a cruel tease, rubbing the salt in an already huge open wound. How was I supposed to get out of this? What was I going to do?

The truth is I’m not going to get out of this and I can’t do anything about that.

Everyone knew who I was. I wasn’t going to sneak away easily. If someone spotted me, Tommy would find out almost immediately. Sometimes it was scary how powerful he was. The stranger beside me was still asleep, giving me the chance to get away. Slowly shifting out of bed, I shivered at the coldness, my body covered in goosebumps within seconds. Our clothes were tangled up together, just as we were last night, meaning it was taking longer than it should have for me to escape. I hadn’t even put my underwear back on before I heard him stir. Freezing, my head whipped round to see if he was waking up, and much to my dismay, he was already looking at me, a smirk on his lips.

Without hesitating, I grabbed my purse from the floor, not even fumbling as I pulled out my gun, aiming it right at his head. His eyes widened, mouth falling open in shock.

“If you speak a word of this to anyone, or even think about it, I’ll have a Peaky Blinder take your eyes. Or I could get it all over with now and save you the pain.” I threatened.

He furiously nodded, not able to say anything.

“You don’t know me, you never saw me, and you were never with me. Do you understand?”

He repeated his actions, managing to squeak out a ‘yes’. I felt like I couldn’t move, that if I did, he would somehow shout out to the world that we had slept together. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?

(Y/N), you’re standing stark naked in front a man with a gun. 

“Where’s the best exit to sneak away?” I composed myself, slowly lowering the gun.

“O-out the back. It’s a tiny alleyway.”

Standing still for a few more seconds, I made sure he wasn’t going to do anything stupid, continuing to hastily change back into the clothes from the night before.

“You got a hat? A coat?”

“Downstairs.”

“Good, remember what I said. It wasn’t a bluff.”

Rushing downstairs, I took the hat and coat he spoke of, glad that they were big, better to hide myself with. Finding my way to the kitchen, I spotted the back door to the tiny yard, which had a gate leading to the alley. Although I was quick in my step, I had to look normal, not suspicious. It was still very early morning, a slight fog layered the streets (good, another advantage for myself). My mind began to relax a little, seeing that no one was about, until a distinctive voice called out to me.

“No point hiding Mrs Shelby.” Johnny called out from down the street. 

He was leaning against a car, obviously borrowed from Tommy, hands in his pockets with one leg crossed over the other. I glared at him, quickly checking my empty surroundings before marching over to him. 

“Keep your voice down!” I hissed at him, worried that people would be spying through their windows. 

“He knows (Y/N).”

I hated the look on his face. It was a look of disgust, bewilderment, he couldn’t believe I had done such a horrible thing to the man I loved. Why would a woman who had it all, throw everything away in one night? I was married to one of the most powerful men in the country, he could give me anything I wanted, provide protection, money, anything I asked for! And here I was at the crack of dawn, in last night’s clothes and sneaking out like a teenager.

No more words were exchanged as Johnny drove me home. I could see why he was sent to fetch me. Perhaps he would try and get something out of me, or make me slip up. Any old bodyguard would have no effect on me. It also meant the staff knew less about the situation, though I knew word would spread around soon enough.

If I didn’t feel sick already, I surely did now. Johnny parked up all too soon in front of the house, the tires on the gravel making too much noise for my liking. The sun was only just peeking over the horizon, but I wanted to keep hiding in the darkness. Johnny opened the door for me, and I hesitated to get out, dreading what I could be in for. Would it be a screaming match? Would he be silent? Or would I be facing something more...violent?

Slowly stepping out of the car, I avoided eye contact with Johnny Dogs, trying to clear my mind before I had to face Tommy. My legs buckled slightly, and I couldn’t tell if it was from the after effects of alcohol or the fear surging through me. Going into this extravagant house felt wrong. I had decided to stay in a run down, tiny, dirty house squeezed in amongst other properties, rather than this luscious home last night. Now here I was, walking in as if I didn’t live here. This could be the last time I ever stood in these very walls.

If anyone else was here, they wouldn’t have to tell me where to go. He was going to be in his office, cigarette in his mouth and a glass of whiskey in his hand. He would remain silent as I walked in, take his time, maybe down the rest of his drink before speaking. I knew Tommy. He was my husband after all.

My hands were clammy as I opened the door, seeing the back of him as he stared out of the window. I was right about the cigarette and glass. I silently took in a deep breath, approaching the desk timidly, as if I was a child getting told off. That’s how meek I felt, he was practically going to do that, but instead of being sent to my room, I was going to be kicked out of the house. 

“This is late for you. You were never one to stay out that late.” he started, still not looking at me.

I struggled to think of a response.

“The only time you’ve seen the sunrise is when you waited for me, after that big fight. If I hadn’t married you before that day, I certainly would have then.”

I deserved that.

He turned to face me.“Maybe I should have held my breath.”

My voice was extremely shaky as I spoke, tears already rolling down my cheeks."Tommy, I could say this a million times but it will never express how deeply I feel this. I am so sorry for what I did. You know that I would do anything I could to change all of this-"

"You knew what you were doing."

"I-I don't know how to explain it-"

"You fucked another man, (Y/N). Plain and simple." he stubbed out his cigarette harshly, slamming down the glass at the same time.

"No, I ruined everything, I just...I don't understand why I did it!"

"I don't either. Come on then, let's figure it out together." I hated how patronising he was being.

"Tommy I-"

"It can't be me. I haven't slept with anyone. I've given you a good life, haven't I? Was there something you didn't like? Perhaps you didn't like the way the cooks scrambled your eggs in the morning? Or maybe the newest dress I bought for you wasn't up to standards for you?"

"Fucking stop it Tommy!" I raised my voice.

"Oh, you're raising your voice at me now? I didn't realise I was the one in the wrong."

"I know what I did was ducking stupid, and the most disgusting thing I've ever done. I've broken a promise from our marriage, I've deceived you, I acted as if I didn't love you, and for the life of me, I don't know why!"

"I'm not giving you time to figure that out."

"What?"

"I want you out of this house."

"Tommy, please-"

"You knew this was coming as soon as you woke up this morning."

"Yes, and I've been trying to think how I could fix this."

"Well?"

I opened my mouth, quickly closing it when I had no idea what to say.

"Ah, nothing. That's what I thought."

"Tommy-"

"No, fucking enough. You've done the damage."

"But, why can't we do something to fix this?"

"Because it's a big fucking mess. And I don't have the time nor patience to deal with something like this."

"Y-you're not even going to try? Just give up on us like that?"

"Might want to remind yourself what you did last night. I want you out of the house by the morning. You can have a portion of money to keep you going, I won't put you on the streets."

"Tommy, I love you! I want to forget this happened, learn from this-"

"Learn from this? Fucking learn?!"

He wasn't listening, and it was making me angry."Oh, like you're a saint and haven't slept with multiple women!"

"Not whilst I was married! You can try to justify all of this to make yourself feel better, but it won't change what you've done."

"I know! And it's killing me!"

“So how do you think that makes me feel?!” he shouted.“You betrayed me! You were one of the few people I trusted.”

“You can trust me!”

Tommy’s eyes were wide.“Are you fucking stupid?! I am not going to stand here all morning shouting at you. There is no resolving this.”

“B-but...”

“I can’t be with someone who goes behind my back. If this was the other way around, you would be thinking the exact same. So don’t tell me what we’re going to do, because we’re not going to do anything. It’s over (Y/N).”

                                        *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I let out a heavy huff as I leaned back in my chair, staring at the numbers written out in front of me. After the divorce, Tommy stayed true to his world, giving me a big quantity of money. I had enough to buy a small house, I could live off of the rest for at least a year, maybe a year and a half. However, I knew I would have to start working again. I wasn’t against that, it would mean I could make friends at least. But it would be difficult to find an employer that wanted the ex-wife of Thomas Shelby.

Tommy was able to file for the divorce papers extremely quickly, meaning I was out of the house and his life much sooner than I thought. That didn’t stop me from trying. I apologised everyday, trying to convince Tommy nothing like that would ever happen again, even as the movers were taking my belongings out of the house. But hid mind was made up. I had lost him, I lost the man I loved. 

I heard a thud outside, as if someone had slammed the garden gate. At first I tried to shake it off, it was slightly windy. Perhaps I didn’t put it on the latch properly. When I didn’t hear anything else, I ignored it, looking back on my calculations. I didn’t have to panic about money just yet, though it was still a good idea to be prepared. I was about to redo my numbers, wanting to double check my answers when another sound echoed outside. This time I kept my guard up, heading to my purse on the side and getting out my gun. Turning off the lights, I peeked out of the windows, checking all around the house, but didn’t find anything. There were no more noises, no signs of anyone trying to break in. I was being paranoid, because I found myself lying awake, gun clasped in my hand and staring at the phone, debating if I should call him.

“Hello?”

I had given in.“Tom, it’s (Y/N). Please don’t put the phone down!”

“What do you want? It’s the middle of the night.”

“You say that as if you have a regular sleep schedule.”

He didn’t reply.

“I’m sorry, this is going to sound stupid but I think someone is watching me. I heard noises earlier and just have a strange feeling, like the one I got when-”

“And what do you want me to do about that?”

I was shocked.“I...I had no one else to call. I just thought-”

“Go to bed (Y/N), there’s no one out to get you, not anymore.”

The phone was slammed down, and I couldn’t comprehend what just happened. Tommy may have hated me, despise me even, but what if I was truly in danger? Would he never be there to help me again? It seemed stupid to ask such a question, however, after having years of someone looking out for you. There was no rest for me that night, I couldn’t recall my eyes shutting for more than a second. Not only was I kept awake from the fear, I also couldn’t stop thinking about my ex-husband’s behaviour.

With heavy bags under my eyes, I dragged my feet along the pavement, arms aching from carrying all my food shopping. I hated how far away I was from my home on days like this. I wish I could have afforded to keep my car, another thing Tommy gifted to me. Trying to conjure up any sort of energy left from yesterday, I pushed myself onwards. But as I tried to keep positive, a man practically jumped around the corner of a building, causing us to collide, my food spilling everywhere.

“What the fuck?!” I snapped out of instinct.

“You can’t talk to us like that.” he snarled.

“Who? Actually, I don’t care.”

I bent down to pick up what I could, when someone from behind scooped their arms underneath mine, dragging me backwards. I screamed out loudly, making my body go limp and heavy to make it difficult for whoever had a hold of me. What made me more scared was the fact that there were at least three people walking by, all turning their heads away as if it made me invisible. Flailing around, my heart started racing as I realised I might not escape this, especially as we were met with more men. 

“What are you doing?!” I yelled out.

“Avenging those taken from us, by your husband.” one of them growled.

“I’m not with him anymore!”

“Too late to go back now.”

                                     *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The two policemen fidgeted as they stood on the doorstep of Thomas Shelby’s house. They had no power over this man, he had somehow legally/illegally made his way up in the world, bought a huge house, multiple cars, lots of land...and always managed to cover up his tracks. However, today they had to forget about that, they were here on serious business.

Tommy sat at his desk, surrounded by a cloud of smoke from his cigarette. He was preparing for a family meeting, they had a lot of work to do. There was a knock at his office door, and he called for the servant to enter, not even looking up from his papers. 

“Mr Shelby, there are two policemen here to see you.” they explained.

Tommy wasn’t phased. He knew he hadn’t left any tracks from any recent plan of his.“Alright, let them in.”

The policemen timidly entered, approaching the desk. Tommy didn’t bother standing, putting out his cigarette and waiting for them to speak.

“Mr Shelby, I’m afraid we have some...unfortunate news.” one of them started.

“And what would that be then?” 

The officers glanced at each other, scared what could happen to them when they revealed the news.“It’s about your ex-wife, Miss (Y/N) (Y/L/N). She’s dead.”

Tommy felt like his heart stopped for a second.“What?”

“She was found dead in an alley way. It appeared she was...forced there, raped, beaten and killed.”

His gaze fell lower, shock filling his system. (Y/N) was dead. She had called him too. She was scared and he did nothing because of the spite in him.

“We’re sorry for your loss, sir. But, we also need to have someone come confirm the body is hers. It’s procedure and-”

“Get out.”

“Yes sir. We will arrange something at a later time.”

The officers scurried away and out of the house as quickly as they could. The servant waiting on the outside of the door had heard every single word, instantly rushing to inform their co-workers. (Y/N) had been a good employer, she didn’t deserve to die that way.

Tommy let out a painful yell as he swiped everything off of his desk. papers went flying, the glass full of old cigarettes and ash smashed along with his glass of whiskey. He kept screaming, not knowing how else to let go of his rage. He pushed over chairs, smashed statues and it still didn’t help. His chest raised up and down as he breathed heavily. His eyes were like saucers, hands gripped into fists as he debated what else he could smash. 

What would have happened if he had just helped her? She wasn’t asking for him to love her or take her back. He was the only person she knew that could protect her. She was alone, scared and asked for the smallest thing. Would she still be alive if he sent men out to patrol around her house? Could she at least escaped with a few bruises? Those men wanted revenge because of something he did, because of his killing. His worst fear had come true. (Y/N) was gone, and this was something he could never fix. 

[redrobin-detective]

To light a candle is to cast a shadow

Dannymay Day 9: Candlelight

________________________

TW: Major Character Death

Danny had never been to a funeral before. Never in a million years would he have imagined this one would be his first. He was surrounded by his classmates and teachers and friends. His parents were sniffling quietly off to the while Jazz was a little more open with her grief. He felt so much, like he was a balloon ready to burst that he’d circled back to numbness. All he could do was stare at the gentle flickers of the candles people were holding. And like a candle, Danny was acutely aware of how quickly a life could be snuffed out.

“Danny, pay attention, it’s rude to space out at a place like this,” Tucker whispered in his ear. Danny squeezed his eyes shut at the sound of his best friend’s voice.

“Sorry, I,” he whispered back, “this is harder than I thought it’d be.” Sam looked over her shoulder at them. She looked worse than he’d ever her, greasy hair pulled back in a low tail, eyes sallow and not a trace of gothic makeup. It would have smudged with the tears anyway. She was wearing black as always but this time out of grim necessity. If it was hard for him he can only imagine how she was feeling right now. 

“Poor Sam,” Tucker huffed. “We should go stand by her, let her know she’s not alone.”

“Yeah just, let’s give it a minute,” Danny said quietly back. “This has been a lot, how are you feeling, Tuck?” 

“Oh you know,” Tucker chuckled, moving around to Danny’s other side. “Larger than life.” Danny bit his lip and looked down at the candle held in his shaking hands. He could see ice creeping up the sides, it would go out entirely if he didn’t keep it under control. He’d already let one light go out due to his negligence. 

“Not now,” was all Danny could say. He kept his eyes low so he didn’t have to confront his friend’s green skin and glowing red eyes. 

“Oh so only the half ghost can make dead jokes?” Tucker said with an audible eyeroll. He floated back around to Danny’s front but he could still see through the ghost to Mr. Lancer giving a weeping statement. “Come on, lighten up. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”

“Tuck please,” Danny pleaded, a sad keening sound that sounded pathetic to his ears. He saw Star turn to look at him and offer a sad, sympathetic smile before turning back to the speech. “Please, just, can this wait until after the vigil?”

“You don’t have to be sad, dude, it’s not like I’m really gone,” Tucker chuckled. “It doesn’t even hurt. I mean it did, alot, for a second there but then it was over with. Easy. Just think of it as Team Phantom upgraded one of its members!”

“It’s not the same,” Danny frowned, “it’s not, things aren’t going to be the same.”

“And why not?” Tuck said with an eerie edge to his voice. “Danny is the same as Phantom, why can’t it be the same for me?” He grinned and his teeth had sharp edges. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous of me again? Afraid I’ll have better, cooler powers as a full ghost?”

“Tuck, you’re dead,” Danny stressed quietly, almost choking on the words he never wanted to say. “You were so brave and so stupid and tried to hack into the school’s PA system while Technus was inside and it... electrocuted you to death.”

“Haha yeah, we really are bros in everything, we even died the same way.” Tucker laughed, watching as Sam was discreetly wiping at her eyes. “Whatever happened to Techy? Things got kinda fuzzy there for a while.”

“Technus is gone,” Danny deadpanned. “When I found you, when I smelled that mix of ozone and cooked flesh I sort of lost it.” He’ll never get that god awful smell out of his mind. He remembered it from his own accident and smelling it again, paired with his best friend’s corpse and Technus’s idiotic ranting in his head. The next thing he remembered was Sam screaming over Tucker’s body and his hands covered in ectoplasm. Technus’ ectosignature had been entirely obliterated. 

“Oh hardcore, shoulda done the scary eyes when you said it. It would’ve had more of an impact.” Tucker turned to him with his beaming red eyes, so close yet slightly off from his normal looks. “Hey that means there’s an opening for a technology ghost around these parts. I gotta think of a name, someway to combine Tech and Tuck. I’ll think of it, I mean I have the rest of eternity.”

“Are you sure you want to stay?” Danny asked seriously, finally looking his dead friend in the eye. He was a new ghost, barely had an ectosignature and wouldn’t for at least another few months. Danny was the only one here who could see the ghost haunting his own candlelight vigil. A boy, a friend, gone far too soon. “You could move on, find your peace. Haunting Amity Park forever hardly sounds like a dream come true, I’ve only done it a year and I’m sick of it.”

“Peace? I’m 15, Danny. Peace was never an option.” Tucker lounged until his was floating on his back. He passed through Mikey and Kwan both of whom shivered at the contact. He playfully batted at Sam’s ponytail and she stiffened, like she was doing everything to hold back tears. Sam might not be able to see him but she knew Tuck almost as well as Danny did, knew what a prankster he was. Or at least they had known him. Now Danny doesn’t know quite who or what he’s looking at. 

“I’ll hang around with you guys until my core’s stronger then I can pick up some of the ghost butt kicking slack. Amity will have two awesome ghostly superheroes. Or at least until you get bored or old or whatever. Then it’ll just be me, Techer.” He made a face, “oh god that’s awful, forget that one.”

Danny almost smiled, despite everything because with Tuck in front of him chatting as usual, he’d almost forgotten. For a second, the smell and the charred, contracted limbs and Mr and Mrs. Foley’s wailing when they heard the news almost seemed like a far away nightmare. Then Tuck floated forward and clapped his hand around  the flame on Danny’s candle, snuffing it out.

“The wax was about to drip onto your hand, you’re welcome, dude,” Tuck preened with his sharpened teeth and glowing aura. “I already got this hero thing down pat.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Danny said wanly. Mrs. Foley got up now and was talking about what a good, considerate son she had. How she was going to miss him every day. Tucker watched her speak with a polite, distant face like she was talking about some character in a story written long ago. He was here, he remembered but there was a palpable disconnect between the Tuck of old and his ghost. Danny wondered how long it would be before his friend was gone entirely, consumed by amnesia and obsession.

“Ugh Danny,” Tuck huffed, crossing his arms petulantly. “Can you cut it out with the waterworks? I’m right here after all.” But he wasn’t, not really. What was in front of him was an echo. Tuck was here but not all of him came along for the ride. The rest, the part that Danny had cherished and relied on for most of his life, was at the morgue ready to be buried in the morning. Closed casket obviously. 

Yeah, his friend was still here but death had changed him, like it had changed Danny. And he was going to see a constant reminder of his friend’s death in his face every day until one of them decided to move on. Moments would pass and feel like normal only for him to realize that something vital had been lost. Like a candle casting a shadow, lacking all the warmth and life of the real thing. 

[ruby-whistler]

You've probably talked about this kinda thing before (I'm willing to hunt down the post if so), but I'm pretty new to your blog and I'm curious; what makes you like c!Dream so much? Other than, like, his potential - or the skill that went into writing him - I mean specifically as a character, what causes you to sympathize with him as opposed to others like Wilbur or Quackity?

If it's personal you obviously don't have to answer! I've just read tons of posts like that from c!Tommy apologists and I realized I'd never read one from the other side of things (so to speak) and I think you present your ideas and stuff rly well :p

Alright, I’ve made a couple of replies like this, but this one is going in the masterpost to later link it to people - thank you for your interest, and I hope you don’t mind this one being a bit detailed.

Initially, on more of an emotional level, the answer to that question would be Dr3. It was how I got into Dream apologism, it justified my compassion for the character, and made me feel more comfortable where the rest of the fandom was overwhelmingly negative.

The c!Dream that people portray seems unsympathetic, and pretty fitting on the surface - a relentless manipulative villain with an insatiate thirst for power who threw away his friends in order to gain control over others for the sake of being on top.

Until you actually look into canon, and do some analysis, and realize that's,,, rather far from the truth.

See, the thing about c!Dream is, that he's a person much like anyone else in the story. He's not a "villain" or some morally black character only because of his actions. It's all about context, which doesn't excuse actions, but it might explain them and make an impact on the way we view the character himself.

In this fandom, people usually look at him, and then throw both accurate characterization and any of that context out the window.

Because power, and hurting people, and chaos isn't his goal or his motive. It's a means to an end. Everything is a means to the end to this character, including himself, which I find fascinating.

Is it wrong to do? Yes. Will it get him closer to his goals? Yes? Then he's going to do it, no matter who gets hurt in the process. No matter if he gets hurt in the process.

And this ruthlessness is not inspired by cruelty, this efficiency isn't out of enjoyment. It's out of genuine attachment and perhaps even desperation, but that's difficult to get into.

He's had such a downward spiral into doing continuously worse things - and for what? For control? For power? No, he never cared about that in the first place, why would he start now?

Do you know what he did care about?

His friends. The server. The people he feels responsible for.

c!Dream's goals have never been selfish at all, no matter how much people try to paint it that way. His ends were always for others - considering how likely the theory that he got himself locked up on purpose is, that enforces the sentiment even more.

If he didn't care about the server, why would he fight against L'Manberg and then list his reasons for it always as reasons "we" had? He pretty much never used "I" when talking about it, I know because I counted it.

If he didn't care about the people, why would he stand against Schlatt - despite understandably still despising L'Manberg - and actively support them in getting their country back when he could've just left them alone? Schlatt wasn't hurting him. Wilbur taking a tiny piece of land wasn't threatening him.

Manberg was threatening the server's peace, which is why he fought against it. L'Manberg threatened (and ruined) the server's relative peace and unity, which is why he fought against it.

It was never him fighting to control the server, it was him fighting for the server and the people in it, even if he ended up hurting them in the process, and that's pretty clear from analysing his motives before the second season.

And yeah, his thinking is flawed, I noticed - but cc!Dream has confirmed his goal in the end is for everyone to get along and, well, stop hurting each other, as well as him having an "ends justify the means" mentality.

And I guess that silent realization of - hell, he cares - was what drew me to have such a strong attachment towards the character.

So thinking about him forcing himself to do all this terrible stuff - about him being stuck powerless inside a cell, hurt over and over again - about just how desperate he must've been, alternatively, how ready to sacrifice himself he must've been back at the Finale.

If you recontextualize the story from c!Dream's perspective, it all falls into this picture of someone who wanted to protect people more than anything, and who cared more than anyone, and ended up losing everything, not entirely by his own fault, but because of the cycle of violence he was actively trying to stop.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Dream is incredibly selfless both in his overarching goals, and in his smaller more immediate ones. He will, more often than not, put himself in a disadvantageous situation if it means his friends or allies aren’t caught in the crossfire or harmed.

His relationship with his friends - Punz, George and Sapnap specifically - is incredibly tragic. He wanted to protect Punz, he showed genuine concern about him, he was willing to have one less person on his side just so that people wouldn't target him.

He wanted to protect George, but he hurt him in the process, because he was too caught up in being in the right, and Sapnap was distraught thanks to Tommy telling him that Dream doesn't care about him, and Quackity who despised Dream was there to fan the flames, so they fell apart rather easily.

He wanted to protect the cat, and he failed.

He wanted to protect Techno, stand up to Quackity, and he failed.

If you think about it, he failed to protect everyone miserably.

Alright before I break down sobbing incoherently - as you can probably see, my sympathy towards c!Dream doesn't come from him being a good person to any degree, more from just incredible amounts of sadness.

You see, c!Dream is a very reserved character, and he puts up the "cruel scary villain" front on purpose, and he doesn't talk about his emotions on purpose. However what we see of him is pretty much enough to classify him as a rather tragic character.

Most of his actions, with enough context, shift the way I think about the character in a more positive direction only because if I like the way a character is written, it's going to bleed into my feelings for the character himself. Ruthless villains are my jam. A character being fun to analyse and too complex to complicate further is pretty much the only thing I need to become attached.

Did I mention the prison arc yet? I cannot see a character suffering and not be sympathetic, I don't think that's a thing with me. Healing arc potential, isn't it?

A lot of people also relate to the character on a deeply personal level! Trauma responses such as cutting people off and emotionally isolating yourself, trying to regain control of your environment or to get back the past, some people even relate to,, what's being done to him during the prison arc. There's definitely some amount of projection going on, but I'd say I only do it to a degree where when I'm depressed I'll start relentlessly posting about a healing arc.

It's just hard to see a villain with good intentions hurt and alone, even if he's done terrible things, and not feel some amount of empathy. Most people don't care to see him that way, but my blog's mostly a place for those who do.

Anyways, here are some essays to check out perhaps if you've read this far that elaborate on some of the points further-

[ x ] [ x ] [ x ] [ x ] [ x ] [ x ]

- and here's an explanation like this from a fellow Dream apologist. Might be useful to get multiple perspectives on the subject. Feel free to also send asks if you have any questions! That's what I'm here for.

[duskholland]

The Fame Game (Part Nine) - Tom Holland

Summary ↠ Breaking up is hard. But breaking up with your fake boyfriend, with whom you’ve fallen irrevocably and painfully in love with? It’s almost impossible.

Warnings ↠ Angst, Y/N’s being stubborn but can we blame her? Cursing and crying. All the good stuff. 

Word count ↠ 5.2k

A/N ↠ This part? Emotional rollercoaster and a half. We’re almost at the end of the story, though! :((( Only part ten and the epilogue to go, and I am not okay. Crazy crazy crazy. Anyway, buckle in and enjoy part nine :)

NINE: Expiration Date (Y)

It’s raining in London. Tracks of grey, miserable water stream down the dirty window, obscuring the view of the city beyond. Your fingers are cold as you hold a mug of stale tea, the liquid pale and long-past its best. You’d poured it an hour ago, intending to throw it back and pull yourself out of your stupor, but you’d failed.

Today is the end of your relationship with Tom - the expiration date, as your team likes to call it. In a move of obscene pathetic fallacy, the weather curled across London seems to emanate your innermost thoughts. It’s cloudy and grey, darkness settled across the sky. In the distance, the clouds grow blacker, and a part of you wonders if it’ll thunder later.

You feel a tear slip from one of your eyes, and the warm line traces down your cheek as you sniffle. With slow movements, you finally put down the mug, crossing your arms over your chest as you continue to stare out of the window, vacantly. You’re in your London flat, your belongings in boxes around you. With the conclusion of a final filming project comes the end of your lease, and when you leave London tonight on a plane, you leave behind your flat, your job, and your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend.

Your fake boyfriend, who sometimes acts like your real boyfriend, but has made it all too clear that he is only, only, only your fake boyfriend.

A scowl springs out across your face, and your fingers curl into fists at your sides.

You thought you’d been hurt by Tom before. For years, you’ve felt anger towards him - resentment, irritation, burning frustration. You’ve cursed him out on countless occasions, publicly denounced him, and watched on as he’s returned every move you’ve made against him with equal ferocity. At almost every given opportunity, Tom has launched blow after blow at you, but you’d taken it. You had accepted that that was just your relationship - that sometimes two people don’t get along, and sometimes they thrive off irritating the other. His insults didn’t touch you - not really, not like this. They’d riled you up and they’d made you seethe, but they were just insults - just empty, irritating insults, which you’d returned with a smile on your face. But now…

For the first time, Tom Holland has actually broken your heart.

It’s painful when you think about him, as you cast your mind back to your last day together. You’d been so excited, so hopeful, when you’d turned up at his place in LA, and as he’d laid you down and you’d held one another, you’d felt the love you have for him grow. Each time he’d kissed you, you felt your love deepen. Each pass of his hands over your skin made your heart race, your mind shake. You’d been waiting on the right time to open your mouth, say the three golden words, and then propose giving your relationship a real shot, only for Tom to jump the gun and tell you that he, in fact, loved you.

To have Tom stand opposite you and tell you that he loves you - only to immediately follow it up with a retraction - has shattered you. You can’t stop thinking about the moment that you’d let yourself believe, for one brief, shocking second, that Tom reciprocated your love - that Tom had softened out, and grown to love you, too. His words had knocked you off-guard, but fuck, if they weren’t the sweetest three words you’d ever heard. You’d been fully prepared to drop everything and jump into his arms, only for him to add--

“No… Wait, no.”

You are upset. You are so fucking angry. You are a whirlwind of tears and clenched fists and stiff jaws. The more you contemplate it, the hollower you feel. You have never known heartbreak as pronounced as this.

You hate the power that you’ve given Tom. Hate that you’d walked straight into this, eyes open. You can’t even blame it on blind infatuation, because you’d been aware at every moment how dangerous your budding feelings were, just you’d chosen to ignore the warning signals, too distracted by Tom’s easy smile and his kisses. You hate that you let him break your heart, hate that he’s emerged from this unscathed when you feel the weakest you’ve ever been.

But above all, you hate that you don’t hate him. It would be so easy to slip back into old habits, to return to that blind, festering hatred that used to roar through your veins at the mere mention of his name. You can’t return to that, and every time you try to drum up some anger towards Tom, you’re instead reminded of how nice, and funny, and sweet he can be.

You release a shaky breath. It’s your expiration date, today. All that’s left of your relationship is a visit to Tom’s house to collect your things, and a few pap photographs of you leaving his place, in pieces. There’s no doubt in your mind that the paparazzi will find it convincing: you’ve been a mess for days, your tears will be real. You’re full of apprehension and rattled nerves about seeing him again, about walking back into his house knowing it’ll be the last time and having to act like he hasn’t reached into your chest and ripped out your heart.

You are an actor, to your core, but your role within this relationship has been your hardest performance to date - and you have the sinking suspicion that not even you can pull off the denouement.

The paparazzi are already outside Tom’s as you walk down his front path, raindrops bouncing off your jacket. The flashes from their cameras illuminate the garden, and your eyes hurt as the light glints off the collection of small garden gnomes Harrison and Tom keep in front of their house. You’re quick to drum your knuckles on the front door, tugging on the chords of your hood and trying to shy away from the yelling journalists.

After what feels an eternity, the door is opened. Tom stares out at you, eyes widening as he takes in the pouring rain.

“Shit, it’s wet today, isn’t it?” He mutters, quickly moving aside. You hurry into the house, sighing contentedly as the warmth envelops you. You kick off your shoes, but your fingers are frozen solid and you can’t quite tug the zip of your coat. “Do you need help?”

You glance up, seeing Tom eyeing your shivering fingers as you try and fail to release the slippery zip. “Yeah,” you mutter, quickly glancing away. It’s not your intention to stay long, but you’re not so inconsiderate that you’d traipse through Tom’s entire house in a dripping jacket.

You stay very still as Tom steps forward, one of his hands holding the bottom of your jacket as the other goes up to the zip. His tongue slips out between his teeth, and a deep crease appears between his eyebrows as he grasps the zip and carefully tugs it down. A smile splits over his face, and you sigh as the coat releases.

“There you go.” Tom doesn’t stop there, though. He goes so far as to help you wiggle out of the jacket, and even hangs it up on the peg for you. The same peg you’d used when you’d stayed with him a few months ago. Your peg. “So.” Tom rocks back on his feet, looking at you through narrowed eyes. “Why haven’t you been answering my texts?”

You clear your throat, crossing your arms over your chest. “What?”

“Y/N.” Tom steps a little closer, his eyes wide with hurt. “My calls, too. I really needed to talk to you.”

“Sorry,” you fib. You’re not sorry, not even one bit. Every time you’d watched your phone go through to answerphone, you’d felt a little stronger. “I’ve been busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Oh, you know. Stuff.”

Tom frowns at you. “Well, I needed to talk to you.”

“Yeah, you said that.” You clear your throat, shaking out your arms as you try to lighten the air between you. You hadn’t meant to come into your last encounter with Tom with so much hostility on your shoulders, but being so close to him again makes your chest ache. “Sorry,” you mutter. “What did you want to talk about?”

Tom nods his head. “Well, it’s… It’s complicated.” Now he’s hesitant, with reluctance clinging to his features. You feel irritation stir inside as you watch him fluster. All you want to do is get this over and done with, so you can leave his house before you start crying again. You don’t want to drag this out.

“Well, can we talk about it as I pack my things?” You ask, your voice clipping a little at the edges.

“Uh, yeah, I guess.” Tom moves out of the way, letting you into the main body of the house. “What do they want us to do, again?”

You bite your lip as you see the photograph that hangs from the wall in the hallway. It’s new, and it shows you, Harrison and Tom, laying out together on one of their sofas. You remember the night well: Harry had taken the picture, teased Tom for the way he’d got you wrapped up in his arms and refused to let go for the duration of the scary film you were all watching. On your other side is Harrison, glaring at you and Tom, mock outrage on his face. It was a good night - near the end of your trip to London, back when things were better.

“Did they send you a box?” You say, voice vacant. You can’t stop looking at the photo, at the way Tom has his face buried in your neck. You look so happy. “They want me to put all my stuff in a box. Apparently, paps just need to see me leaving with all of my things, and then they’ll get the picture.”

“Pretty simple, then?” Tom drops down to his knees, beginning to rummage in the cupboard under the stairs until he procures a big red box. “This is the one they sent.” He passes it up to you. “Will that be big enough?”

“Yeah. I only have a few things here, I think.”

“Cool. Do you want to start upstairs?”

“Why not.”

You feel awkward as you slowly climb the staircase. The air between you is unsettled, and you can tell Tom’s hurt that you’re clearly less than enthused to be here. Part of you wants to soothe him, but the other part wants to run, run, run.

“Harrison not here?” You ask as you walk past his empty bedroom. You enter their spare room, which you’d been crashing in back when you’d stayed, and quickly start pulling out the odd book and bottle you’d left. Management had instructed you to leave a few things back when you’d left, and now you understand why.

“Nah, Liverpool,” Tom says. “It’s just me.” He sits on the edge of the bed, watching as you quickly pile everything into your box. “Look, Y/N, can we please talk?”

“I’m listening.”

“No, no.” Tom stands up, and you freeze as he reaches out for your arm. The second his warm fingers touch your skin, a lump comes to your throat. “I need to- we need to talk.” You stay completely still, closing your eyes as you feel him slide his hand up your arm. His palm rests on your shoulder, weighted and familiar, and the contact makes your heart pang.

“What do you want to talk about, Tom?” You ask, voice hoarse. You keep your eyes shut. The scent of his cologne is so familiar it brings back the tightness in your chest. You aren’t sure if you’re so upset because this is the last time you’ll be together, or if it has more to do with the fact that you can’t look at Tom without being reminded that he doesn’t love you.

“Come and sit down. I can make tea.”

You suck in a deep breath. “You know that I’m walking out of your house in ten minutes and probably never coming back again, yeah?” You mutter. “What’s so important that it deserves a cup of tea?”

Tom only chuckles, not seeming to mind the bitterness of your voice. “I’ll tell you. Over tea.” He squeezes your shoulder, and you finally open your eyes. Your vision swims with tears, but if he notices it, he doesn’t comment on it. “You can pack your stuff up here, and I’ll meet you in the living room. Okay?”

You nod. “Alright.”

You try to delay your conversation for as long as possible, which takes you on a short trip into Tom’s bedroom. In your defence, you don’t mean to snoop - you did, in fact, leave your favourite book on his desk - but you do also take the opportunity to have a little look around.

On Tom’s windowsill is a line of very dead plants, their leaves shrivelled and broken. You roll your eyes as you peer into the empty watering can, chuckling softly. Typical. On his desk is a pile of scripts, dog-eared and stained with the round marks of spilt tea, and crumpled clothes hang everywhere, shoved over various armrests and laying in heaps on the floor. Tom’s entire room is organised chaos.

What catches your eye, though, is the large shelf hammered into the wall. You’ve been in Tom’s room before, hell, you’d spent your last night in London in his bed, but you’d never taken the time to look up and examine this shelf. Settled in the middle of it, gathering dust, is Tom’s BAFTA. You sigh, and instinctively, you reach up and take it.

It’s heavy in your hands. You’ve felt it before, but you’d forgotten the weight of the blue glass trophy. When you’d last touched it, it’d been on the night of the show, and Tom had thrust it into your hands mockingly, making some flippant comment about it being a mark of his success. You’d immediately tossed it back at him, almost dropping it in the process, and shut him down with a snide remark.

Now, you run your thumbs over the award. The curves are smooth beneath your fingertips. You blink a few times, and two tears splash out onto the thing. As you rub them away, you take a deep, shuddering breath.

Pull yourself together, Y/N.

You swallow, and when you release a deep exhalation, you feel steadier. The award goes back to the shelf, and you pick up your box. Just ten more minutes. One conversation, one cup of tea, and ten more minutes. Then you can leave him behind.

How much can change in ten minutes, anyway?

There’s something melancholic about the way you find yourself sitting on Tom’s sofa, facing him again. You’re in the same position that you were in back when you’d customised your shoes together, before everything had gone to shit: you, leaning up against one armrest, Tom against the other, both of you with your legs outstretched and meeting in the middle. Tessa has staked her claim sitting on your feet, and as you sip nervously at your tea, you keep your eyes on her.

“So.” Tom’s fidgeting. If he’s not drumming his fingers over the ceramic of his mug, he’s picking at the strap of his watch. “I need to talk to you.”

You wince a smile. “Yeah, you keep saying that.” You take a sip of your tea. It’s still hot, and it burns the tip of your tongue, but part of you wants to down the whole thing just so you can leave. Being so close to him makes your chest sting.

Tom takes a deep breath. “I said something really stupid the last time we were together. I was… I was just going to leave it, but then I realised that doing that would be even more stupid,” he starts. Immediately, you feel yourself bristle. You can’t have this conversation again.

“We don’t need to talk about it, Tom,” you mutter. “What’s the point? I’m leaving soon.”

“Which is exactly why we need to talk about it, love.” Tom’s eyes are wide, a hint of desperation swirling in them. He sets his tea down on the coffee table and sits up straighter. “I didn’t mean it.”

You sigh, rubbing at your forehead as you feel another stab of pain in your chest. He’s really twisting the knife, now.

“I know,” you remind him. “You’ve already told me that you didn’t mean it.”

“No, no.” Tom shakes his head, running a hand through his curls. “No.” He’s visibly anxious, but you’re too perplexed to consider offering him any comfort. “I mean… I said I didn’t love you. Well, I said I loved you, and then I took it back.”

You release a sound somewhere between a whimper and a groan, and it brings on a fresh set of tears. “Yes, I remember, Tom.”

“Well, I was wrong.”

Very slowly, you look up at him. You put down the tea and bring your knees to your chest, staring at him through hard eyes.

“What?” You say, voice dull.

“I was wrong. I shouldn’t have taken it back.” “Tom.” You’re exasperated and confused. “What are you trying to say?”

“I love you, Y/N. I’m in love with you.”

Your eyebrows pull together. “What?”

“I love you.” Tom’s lips quirk into a soft, warm smile. “And- And I know you probably don’t feel the same way, and you probably don’t want to hear it, but I had to tell you before you leave. You have to know how I actually feel.” He sits forward, and his foot nudges your knee. “I love you. I’m sorry for being a dick, I just… I panicked, I guess.”

Your brain feels like it’s running slow, wading miles behind the rest of you. You’ve spent so many days coming to terms with the fact that Tom doesn’t love you that the evidence for the contrary isn’t sinking in.

“What- but you said that you didn’t love me?” You puzzle.

“I was wrong.”

You look at him. You look at him long and hard. Your eyes dissect the soft smile on Tom’s lips, the eagerness in his eyes, and the blush on his cheeks.

You don’t believe him.

“How can you get something like that wrong?” You ask him, frazzled. “Tom, I- I don’t know if I can trust anything that you say.”

Tom raises an eyebrow. “So you want it to be true?”

“What? Shut up, this isn’t about me.” You have a lump in your throat. “Tom, this is- this is about you, not knowing how you feel.”

“But I do know how I feel. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you-”

“Stop.”

You can’t take it. With every repetition, it feels like Tom’s rubbing it in your face.

“Y/N?”

You stand up from the sofa, displacing Tessa who whimpers in response.

“You’re so cruel, Tom.”

Tom scrambles to his feet too, hopping as he regains his balance. He stands in front of you. “What? What do you mean?” His eyes are wide with hurt. “I’m being honest, Y/N. How is it cruel to love you?”

Tears form in your eyes.

“You don’t get to take it back. You… First, you said that you loved me. Do you��� Do you know how happy that made me?” You screw your hands into fists, voice hoarse. “I thought, for a second, that you loved me. I really, really did. I thought that we could end this stupid thing and just be happy. But then, you turn around, and you take it back. You’re not allowed to take back a declaration of love, Tom. Do you know how- how crushing that was?”

“-But-”

“No, I’m talking.” The end of your nose tingles, and you reach up to brush the wetness from your cheeks. “You… You broke my heart, Tom. Because I-” You break off, and you meet his eyes. You speak directly to him. You finally bare your soul. “I love you, Tom. I fell in love with you, and so for you to turn around and take it back-” You break off, waving a hand through the air. “It broke my heart.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice is raw, and you watch as Tom rubs at his eyes. “I didn’t know, Y/N.”

“How am I supposed to believe you?” You look at the floor, vision blurry. “How am I supposed to believe that you aren’t going to turn around in two minutes and take it back again?” You rub at your arms. “Why do you get all of the power?”

Tom steps closer, but you just move away. “Y/N, please. I don’t want to hurt you. I would never, ever want to hurt you. I was confused, but I know now more than ever how I feel about you.”

“But you have hurt me, Tom,” you say, finally looking back at him. “Our entire relationship has been us hurting each other. Why should it be any different now?”

Tom clasps his hands together, his cheeks red and ruddy. “We both know it’s different now.”

“Is it?” You release a dim laugh. “Because I feel, just now, exactly as horrible as I used to feel when we’d argue, Tom. All we’ve ever done is hurt.”

“That’s the past.” Tom’s voice is picking up now, growing in strength. When he looks at you, you see his jaw flexing. “I’m sorry for the ways I’ve acted, Y/N, but I can’t change it now. All I can tell you is that you’ll be making a bad decision if you walk out of the door.”

“I have to.” It’s too much to process - too much to think about when Tom’s looking at you so desperately. This morning you’d woken up expecting an awkward visit and then a plane ride far, far away from him. This revelation upends all of that.

“No, you don’t.” Finally, you let Tom take your hands. He runs his thumbs over the back of your palms and you whimper. “Stay. Stay here with me. Fuck PR, fuck the paps. We can be together. We can love each other.” He smiles again, softly. “Let me love you. Please.”

It’s very tempting. As Tom holds your hands tightly and stares into your eyes, you want so desperately to cave. You want to throw yourself into his arms and tell him that you love him, that yes, yes, of course you’ll stay with him. But you think back to all the tears that you’ve shed, and you look at his face, and you’re reminded of the night at the BAFTAs when he’d thrust his polished trophy into your face and bragged about it. You think about all of the times he’s made moves against you and tried to trip you up. You think about your last day together, and how easily he’d retracted his statement.

How can he stand here in front of you, and ask you to forget about all of that so easily?

“I can’t.”

You step away from Tom and instead grab your big red box. You walk quickly into the hallway, your eyes full of hot tears. He follows.

“Yes, you can.”

You sit on the stairs and start lacing up your shoes, staring at Tom angrily.

“I can’t.” Your fingers shake as you tie your laces. “I have a flight. I have a life in LA that I need to get back to. This was never part of the plan, Tom. You’re my fake boyfriend. You aren’t supposed to be my real boyfriend.”

“But you love me.” Tom’s blocking your way, his biceps bulging from his black t-shirt as he stands in front of you desperately. “You told me. You said that you love me, Y/N, and I’m telling you that I love you too.”

“Love isn’t always enough, Tom.” It hurts to look at him, to think about how easily and foolishly he’s handled your heart. “Let me go.”

“Love can be enough.” It’s his final attempt; you can see it in his eyes. “Don’t let us end like this, Y/N. Please.” He takes your hand, bringing your knuckles to his lips. His mouth moves over your skin, dropping kisses to your cold skin.

You feel trapped. You know the car is waiting outside, and it’s all come on too fast, too soon.

“Tom,” you say. You pull your hand from his grasp. “Let me go.”

Tom steps aside. He finally slumps against the wall, pressing his head into his hands. “Is this what you really want?” His voice is raw, broken, and his eyes are red.

You tug your soaking jacket from the peg on the wall as you shrug haplessly. “You can’t drop these feelings on me ten minutes before I’m out the door and expect me to change my life for you.” You look at him. “It isn’t fair.”

“Fine.” Tom stands up straighter. “You should take off your hoodie, then. It’s mine. Wouldn’t be the best impression of the paparazzi to be seen wearing my clothes, would it?”

You drop your jacket to the floor and start shuffling out of the pink hoodie. It’s an oversized fit, and it comes off easily, but you chuckle bitterly. Tom’s taken everything from you - your heart, your sanity - even the very clothes from your back. What more could he possibly want to take?

“There.” You shove it into his hands and angrily pull on your coat. The sleeves are cold and damp against your skin, making you shiver. “Happy now?”

Tom looks down at the jumper. “No,” he says, voice soft. His eyes are round again, widening further as you reach for the front door. “Y/N, please.”

Your fingers linger on the doorknob, cold to touch. You hesitate. When you glance back at Tom, your resolve crumbles. As frustrated and bemused as you are, you love him. You love him, and he’s your best friend, and you’re leaving him.

“Tom,” you whimper. You step away from the door, dodging the box, and fold into his arms, crying with your face on his shoulder. Tom’s arms wrap around your back and he pulls you in tightly. “I’m sorry.” You aren’t sure what you’re apologising for - your departure, your broken heart, your tears staining his shirt. You just know you are so overcome with every emotion that it’s overflowing now, leaving your mouth in ugly sobs.

“Shh.” Tom rolls a hand over your back, patting in large circles. Your jacket crinkles at the action, and you think you can feel his chest shake. “It’s okay.”

You stay in his arms, your face buried in his neck until you stop crying. Even then, you feel clogged up and weakened. He’s so warm - his embrace strong, and comfortable. You feel protected, and when you step back, you feel your heart break again.

“I’m sorry, Tom.” You wipe at your eyes and pick up the red box. Tom’s face falls in response. “I just… I need time. I’m not- I’m not saying that we can never be together, I just… I can’t stay just now. It’s too fresh, I don’t...”

“It’s okay.” Tom steps forward. One of his hands goes to the doorknob, the other rests on your shoulder. He’s near to you - so near that you can see the flecks of pain in his eyes and the freckles on his face. His gaze flickers down to your lips. “I can wait.”

You lean in and kiss him, softly. His lips taste of salty peppermint.

“I… I’ll see you later.” You want to say it, want to tell him so desperately that you love him, but the words choke in the back of your throat.

Tom just smiles, the action not stretching to his eyes. He tilts his head towards the door. “Are you ready?”

You nod. “Yeah.”

Tom looks at the box in your hands and reaches up. He tugs up the hood of your jacket and tucks your hair into it carefully. “Safe flight, darling.”

“Thank you.”

He opens the door and steps aside, and then you’re on your own.

London Heathrow Terminal 5 is very empty. You’re sitting alone in the back corner of the waiting room, hood drawn around your face, sunglasses resting heavily over your nose. You haven’t been able to stop shaking since you left Tom’s house. Feeling numb through bag drop, security, and duty-free, it’s a miracle you’ve made it to your gate on time.

You close your eyes, and you see him. You open your eyes, and you expect to see him. He’s everywhere.

Is this what you really want..?

It plays on loop, lilted in his voice. Is this what you really want? To be sat alone, crying in Heathrow airport, when Tom is waiting back at home, finally willing to take you into his arms?

You sniff as you wipe at your eyes, furiously trying to stem the flow of tears. It had all happened so quickly; it felt almost unfair.

Your phone vibrates in your pocket, and you’re grateful for the distraction.

Tom <3: Have a safe flight. I’m sorry for being such a dick. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I love you. I love you and I’ll wait for you. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to figure it out. I love you. Xxxxxxxxxx

You put the phone down, sucking in a deep breath. Your eyes fall to your feet. You notice, for the first time, that you’re wearing your special personalised Converse.

With shaking hands, you pull off your sunglasses and stare at your feet. The ink has run a little, obscured by the pouring London rain, but you can still make out some of the shapes Tom had drawn over them, all those weeks ago. A love heart, a flower, a couple holding hands. The lump in your throat grows bigger.

Is this what you really want..?

“Now boarding, Flight BA0269, London Heathrow to LAX. We now invite our platinum club to board.”

You sigh. You stand up and pull your backpack over your shoulders. You look back at your feet.

The love heart is wobbly and uneven, and you remember the look of concentration on Tom’s face as he’d tried his best to doodle over your shoes. The room had been so warm, back then. Just the two of you, together, finding comfort in one another’s company. It’d been simple, and you can remember looking up at him and feeling warmth for him in your heart.

Is this what you really want..?

No.

Your relationship has felt like a series of rash decisions lately, and you aren’t about to make the final, irreversible choice of leaving London. You can’t leave - not now, with the path finally clear. You can’t leave Tom, who’s finally told you how he feels. He’s messy, and complicated, and being around him makes you feel like your heart is on fire, but you love him. You love him, and maybe he’s right - maybe love is enough.

You know that you have come too far to throw it all away without giving him a chance.

You’ve never been a fan of bold, romantic gestures, but as they call your gate again, you turn off your phone and you turn around. You turn around, and you run. You run back to him.

↠ next part