#it’s like aw someone I care about has achieved great things

[paulic]

Went to cavendish today and let me tell you Mr M had MONEY. It looks like a random ass house in the photos but when you’re there is very very very impressive and huge

[oglegoggle]

My body aches so fucking bad, my dudes.

[assassyart]

I know he sacrificed his life at the end to save the universe, but I always found a but weird that after he killed Ratchet in a fit of rage, he didn't seem to regret what he did like ik he was probably thinking he could fix this when he saves the lombax but still tpu would've thought he would've had a "what have I done moment?"

I also find if weird that the great clock isn't a time machine and yet it can go through the past by 6 minutes

Ah. Yay. :) I love talking about Alister Azimuth's thinking process. Thank you for the invitation to rant about this!

The end of A Crack in Time is one of the best parts of Ratchet & Clank, period. It has two incredibly emotional scenes, and every character is so well done. Buuut there is obviously one part of the ending that sticks out, and that's when Alister Azimuth killed Ratchet. This was the moment the player finally realizes just how far gone Azimuth is and that all of those flags were, indeed, bright red. To understand why he made this decision, we have to get into Azimuth's mindset. It's important to note Azimuth's decision wasn't just a fit of rage.

Azimuth had revealed to us that he does not view this current time he is in as "real" and, as such, has been treating everything he does and everyone he meets as temporary until the present gets back on track and he fixes his mistake. He sees talking to Ratchet about the past as pointless because it'll be "fixed," so why does it matter? (But even he can't stop himself from gushing about Kaden.) He even declines to help the Vullards while they're being attacked by the Agorians until they offer him something he needs to reach his goal. He views everyone as just another stepping stone to reaching his goal. He's detached himself emotionally from this world because it is not real to him.

This is similar to how Nefarious views everything in ACiT as well, just less exaggerated and silly. In a way, the two are pretty similar. Nefarious copes with his loss believing he can rewind time to "wrong" the "right" while Azimuth copes with his mistake, chasing after the idea that he can still fix it. Both are consumed by their failures in the past.

While Azimuth does try to care about Ratchet, it's clear that he doesn't let himself care that much about any one individual more than his goal. He doesn't even care about himself making it out alive after being captured by Vorselon— he only cares about fixing his mistake (and pushes this duty onto Ratchet as well). He is still putting up that emotional wall between him and Ratchet, so he won't get attached. Because to him, Ratchet won't exist once he "fixes" his mistake. This Ratchet he is currently fighting alongside will be gone, replaced by a completely different person— a Lombax that got to be raised by his father and mother, and never had to face the hardships "Ratchet" went through.

In Azimuth's mind, once he achieves his goal and fixes the past, this "Ratchet" will die. There is no point crying over someone you already accepted will not exist. He will simply care about the Ratchet that he will "save" in the past, not the one he doomed in the present.

Azimuth believes The Great Clock will fix all of his problems. Ratchet going back into the past to find out what happened to Orvus only strengthens Azimuth's belief that this will work. It has to. He does not even want to entertain the idea that it won't work, because that would mean he'd have to sit with himself and think about all of the awful things he did to get to this point.

"For the Lombaxes," he says, as he kills one of his own. "For Kaden," he says, as he kills his best friend's son. "To fix the past," he says, as he ruins the present.

It's only when he is faced with the fact The Great Clock won't fix his problems, that Ratchet (just like Kaden) is desperately trying to salvage the mess he made, that he has doomed the universe... that is when he realizes that he was chasing after something that was never going to work. You can't run from the past. You must learn from your mistakes. Azimuth wouldn't listen to Ratchet, just like how he wouldn't listen to Kaden. History repeated itself, and now his mistake was going to get Ratchet killed. All of his guilt from everything he did washes over him at once. He apologizes, but that doesn't change anything.

And he knows that. Azimuth's redemption comes from the fact that he doesn't run from this mistake. He faces it head-on, and his last words break the emotional wall he had set up before—

"Take care of yourself, Ratchet."

He's finally acknowledged the past can't be fixed and that he's doomed Ratchet to being the last Lombax yet again, but his final words are one of care and hope. He sacrifices himself for Ratchet and the present. In this action, he atones for his mistake.

And gah. This character is so amazing. I hate him. I love him. He's one of the best characters we have in the series, and I could fill an entire video essay just babbling on and on about this beautiful ending. Every character in this ending can be dissected for their choices, and this ending has definitely impacted the series far more than any of the others. I would dare Insomniac to top this ending, but I think it's dumb to even try. There's no topping this.

The game itself might have some flaws, but this ending is just perfect. I'd change absolutely nothing about it. What a banger ending to a banger character.

[anianurst]

Then to Now

Summary: The progression of Yoichi and your relationship told through your line of sight

A/n: i was on tiktok when i thought of this little piece :) i'd like to write some more bllk things in the future! more specifically i'd like to write a bllk smau so if you know anything about that hmu!! i have this story in mind but I'm not sure on how to actually create the fake media ss

Warning(s): none

then

Yoichi knows that he isn't the best-looking guy. He's average at best. Average in terms of grades, looks, and social standing. He knows that there are guys out there that draw more attention to themselves naturally.

But then again, he's just in high school, a small part of life. He knows that these school years go by quick and that people who peak now always end up misreable later on in life. He knows that he's not one of those people.

But as he watches you laugh with some of your friends, glowing from the sunshine behind you, he wishes that he were one of those people who naturally drew attention to themselves. He wishes he were taller, more built, more everything!

He knows that someone like you doesn't even glance at him twice when you enter a room. No, people look at you first, and you probably (if even at all) look at him last.

And he's right. Yoichi isn't someone who naturally draws your attention, someone who doesn't really register in your mind. You know of him, but you don't know him. You know that he sits behind you in class, that he's on the soccer team, that he gets semi-ok grades, and that's about it.

Every time the two of you are in a room, you're the first person who Yoichi looks for whereas your gaze always ends up on him last.

now

Where is he? you think to yourself. Minutes seem to drag on as you stand by yourself near the refreshment table. People talk and mingle all around you, but you don't really care for them. Not when your fiance is somewhere around here.

"Stupid me," you grumble, swishing your drink around. You ended up coming to this charity event earlier than Yoichi (which you're now regretting not waiting for Yoichi) and were quick to strike up some conversation with Reo and Seishiro. It wasn't long before the duo were swiped away by some donors, leaving you all on your own.

And now, you're here, waiting for your fiancé to arrive and wrap his arm around the small of your back before planting a gentle kiss on your cheek. A defeated sigh escapes from your lips as your shoulders drop and a pout makes its way to your face.

Your pity party doesn't last long before the doors to the hall are kicked open, and there's a bustle among the crowd. There's excitement, and you swear that your heart beats faster as you catch a glimpse of dark black hair.

Dark black hair that you love running your fingers through. Hair that always tickles your neck as Yoichi snuggles further into your body at night. Hair that has started smelling just like yours since Yoichi's always using your shampoo, saying that he loves to smell just like you.

Before you know it, your body's moving forward and towards your lover. Through the crowd, you catch glimpses of him and see him smile and greet other guests with Meguru by his side. His blue eyes are bright and shining, and the room starts to feel warmer like the sun itself has decided to come down from the sky and place itself in the banquet hall.

"Yo!" you try to say, but your voice is drowned out by all the excited guests as they awe at the great striker. You try to weave through the crowd and you grumble as you're seemingly pushed further away from your love.

It's not something new; you being pushed away from Yoichi because of the public. The more he seems to achieve, the more he seems to get further away, and more attention is thrown his way. All eyes turn to him the minute he steps into the room, and you, too, turn to look at him, your cheeks always turning a little rosier.

Letting out another sigh, you stop trying to get closer and simply stand and watch with a defeated smile as Yoichi signs things and shakes hands. Turning away, you figure that you'll give him time before trying to reunite with him later.

You only take four steps before you hear your name called out from behind you. Everything passes by like some romantic moment from all those shojo animes you watch as you turn and Yoichi steps toward you, his eyes warm and cheeks flushed red at how pretty you look.

"There you are! I was looking for you, but then I got swarmed by everyone," he grins boyishly, and your heartbeat beats widely in your ears as your eyes widen. Unconsciously, you hold your clutch a little closer to your chest before you're also smiling brightly at your fiance.

"I was looking for you too," you say before Yoichi's grin grows ten times bigger to the point that the ends of his eyes crinkle. He wraps an arm around the small of your back and presses a gentle kiss to your cheek. You giggle as you catch a whiff of strawberry.

You're still the first person that Yoichi looks for when the two of you are in a room. Now, it's a little difficult to spot you because there's always a crowd of people separating the two of you, but that doesn't keep you away from him for long since he, too, is the first person that you look for when you step into a room.

[kurain-genealogy]

i said i was gonna post about it and i am. i don't think william afton hates his kids. i don't think william afton is a mad scientist that kidnapped and put children in hallucinogenic gas chambers. whatever the fuck dittophobia said about afton doing all that, plus not stopping/furthering the bullying between michael and cc, is just dumb & wrong. william wanting his kids to fight, even die, is comically evil in the "bad writing" way. him being characterized as someone who experiments on children (including his own with no regard for their lives) in order to achieve immortality or whatever his supposed motivation is, is just really... nothing? as a character there is nothing to make him feel real. in an attempt to flesh out this character, they made him into a cartoon villain with "evil" being his only defining trait. whatever, i could talk for so long about how dumb i think all the dittophobia stuff is but i think most ppl on tumblr are on the same page regarding that.

to me, william afton is best characterized as someone who, at the Very Least, Doesn't Want His Own Children To Die. he can be a shitty father all around, or he can be a genuine loving father who is also a serial killer, as long as he Cares if they Die? most of what makes william afton an interesting villain, and where a lot of people interpret his motivation comes from, is how despite all his best efforts, he cannot prevent the death or downfall of his own family. he is in a tragedy of his own making, a self-imposed hell crafted by his hubris and violence. if you take this away, why should i care what happens to him? william afton was scariest when he was just purple guy and we knew nothing. william afton is most interesting when we have all these relationships and dynamics where we can seriously study and speculate the circumstances behind/around his actions, when he has something to lose (and will lose). william afton is most stale when more things are added to his story without purpose, filling in gaps that were better unfilled or we didn't even know were there – anything after UCN, basically. bro isn't scary anymore because he's either peepaw afton who's brought back despite his story being over, or he's cartoon network's newest over-the-top villian that you can't take seriously.

okay anyway. ANYWAY. william doesn't hate his kids. even if he's a shitty father, i think he still loves his kids. why else would he try and scare his kids away from the robots if he didn't want them to die? why would he design circus baby after his daughter if he didn't care for her, adore her, even? if you believe the theory that he talked to cc through the fredbear plush (idr if that's actually canon), why would he be trying to protect/comfort him?

i don't think he's a perfect, or even a good father, by any means. if you interpret him to be on the better side, that's great and fine. i'd love to hear how other people interpret/characterize afton if you wanna share! continuing on for this post, i'm going to lay out how i personally see william afton.

to me, he is someone who is very concerned and preoccupied with his image and how others view him & his family. even if he's super shitty and awful towards his kids, he at least cares that they all look good as a family unit, that they're well behaved, that he can send family portrait holiday cards to all his business partners and investors.

he strikes me very much as the typical authoritarian parent of the 80s. harsher on his sons because "men don't cry," wants his kids to say "yes, sir," and "no, sir," believes in "tough love," often says "my house, my rules," he has the final say in everything, maybe thinks hitting them from time to time is a normal, necessary punishment. not all entirely malicious, but thinks he's doing what's best, what's right, acting like a parent and father Should act, perhaps how he himself was raised. unfortunately, a very common parental mindset (even outside of serial killers). maybe he was a little scarier sometimes though, a little more unhinged or violently angry. who's to say.

but he's still just a guy who could exist in real life. he still eats dinner with his family every night, hangs his kids' drawings on the fridge, had to turn the car around because they wouldn't stop fighting in the backseat, attended awkward parent-teacher conferences, everything. he was once a new father who happily came home with his first newborn, lost countless nights of sleep over the course of two more, loves them because they're his.

meticulously and senselessly killed children, then came home and tucked his own into bed and kissed them goodnight.

he can be abusive and still love his kids. he can be a murderer and still care for his own kids' lives. maybe the loss of his own kids is what triggered his actions, or maybe it was something else. i'm fine with not knowing because we don't need to know everything, and it's more interesting when we don't.

Something Is Seriously Wrong With This Guy And We Don't Know What or Why. when acquaintances find out he's a suspected murderer, it should be shocking and upsetting. he's such a great man and father, he wouldn't murder those kids! when michael discovers his father's crimes, he should be in denial. sure, he could be scary sometimes, but he wouldn't kill anyone... right? there's a great cognitive dissonance between who he appears to be and who he actually is.

whether william descended into grief-induced madness and obsession, or was just always some kind of freak, or both, i don't think he saw his own family as disposable. even if he didn't truly love them, he at least needed to keep up his own facade as a friendly family man. personally i like to see him as someone who was a shitty father but still loved his kids, because people like that exist, and it makes him a much more interesting, realistic, and nuanced character than if he just didn't care about them At All.

[fangirlanxiety74]

Please tell me about your IHNMAIMS headcanons!!! :3 I will eat them up

HEHEHEHE HIHIHI!!!

:3 multiple people asked me to talk about it and I talked about it with people in DMs too so here's the post for group discussion where I tag you all @average-hyperfixator @paig-does-it @infectiousliterature @a-st3r hello!!

God where to begin?

I was mainly talking about Ellen last night. I like. For context, I have this huge ihnmaims doc just *filled* with headcanons, how I would rewrite their backstories and psychodramas and such. Things like that!!! I only have like. Ted filled out coherently at this point, but I've been thinking about the others too. Like Ellen!!!

I really want to write her in a light where she's not. That soft-spoken, sweet, submissive and cowardly person that she's like all across the franchise. Like, she is, but not until AM messed with her, yk???

The Ellen I imagine...

Grew up in a very loving and very supportive family. She definitely doesn't come from money, but she's not really well-off either. She's kind of in Ted's situation in terms of financially, maybe a bit worse.

But!! That doesn't stop her or her family. She was loved. She was taken care of. She was encouraged. And as such, she's a very confident, strong-willed, determined woman when she grows up. She loves to learn, loves to do whatever she can get her hands on; stem, psychology, anthropology, history, computer science, engineering, etc, etc. She just wants to know all she can!!!

And man, with that type of determination + love of learning, it gets her places. She's a high achiever, maybe a bit of a perfectionist and hard on herself, but she's done so many great things in her life, she's admirable!

The only issue is... While family and friends may support her. While she's still achieved so much. It leaves a bitter aftertaste knowing that...

Well, she's still a black woman. Yk?

And that means she has to limit herself. Keep her light dimmed. In order to really... get anywhere she wants. Even if she hates it. Because, society only sees her in that light and nothing more. No matter what she does, her race and gender will still hold her down. If that makes sense?

She's kind. She's caring. She's a good person. She always has been, but wouldn't you also be kind of snarky and passive-aggressive if people diminish the things you do, just because of what you are? Being constantly compared to a white woman, or even a white man, being asked when you'll finally settle and start your "true calling" (marriage and kids), etc?

I like to think she's witty and cunning and just so smart, and seldom few people want to accept it due to their racism and misogyny. And it's awful

And then... The world ends. It blows up. Now you're the only black woman left on Earth alive, surrounded by men, and a sentient AI strips you of all those things that made you *you*. Turns you into someone you don't recognize.

It was AM's doing. Her becoming that soft-spoken, motherly, cowardly woman. That's not who she is. That's AM forcing her to take on a more traditional role; a wife, a mother. An accessory to a man. Because what would be more humiliating than that, to a woman who was so much more?

She's trapped in a box she can't get out of. One with a sliding door, always reminding her of what she could be, but it's too far out of reach. Trying to grab it will risk in your arm getting chopped off, or worse. (Thank you to paige-does-it for this idea specifically <333)

But still

The door can open. And she can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So she has hope. She keeps it, close to her chest, and tries to give others the same. That they can survive this. That things can be better than they are now.

Not necessarily because she believes it, but...

She'd go insane without it.

[astoryisaloveaffair]

Fix You - Chapter 14: Enjoy the Silence

Gif by @hunterschafer

Pairing: Frankie “Catfish” Morales x Fem!Reader

Fic Masterlist

Read on A03

Spotify Playlist

»»———————►

Chapter Summary: The final heat...

Word Count: 7k

Rating: R

Chapter Warnings: Cussing, violence. I will not be warning anything else due to spoiling the story. We are all grown. You can stop reading when you want to.

A/N: Has it really been a year? I wish I had a better excuse than "I haven't been doing great." But that's what it is. I've had huge changes in my life. New job, new career, new goals, and a greater sense of self-worth. I'm feeling a lot better. But my new schedule is busy! Hopefully you can forgive me for such a long cliffhanger.

Finally, a heads up. This has been the arc I have been working towards for almost two years, and I'm not going to waver. Just stick with me like you have been. It’ll be worth it.

I also did the absolute most and made a specific playlist just for this chapter here.

Forever thank you to everyone who commented, reblogged, shared, boosted, made content for, and supported me. It meant a lot and definitely kept this fic in the back of my mind. As always, most love to my girl @musings-of-a-rose who has tolerated me being a shitty friend for a whole ass year, and always talking things through with me in life and in this fic. Cheers.

Suggested Songs: Depeche Mode "Enjoy the Silence", Fitz and the Tantrums: "Out of My League", Lizzo "Truth Hurts", Michael Kiwanuka "Cold Little Heart", Cigarettes After Sex "Cry", Guster "Demons"

Frankie and you decided to break your apartment lease starting October 1st. Fall term started on the 30th of August, and you wanted time to settle into your schedule before planning a move. You spent almost all your time at his house anyway, only stopping back at your apartment for more clothes. Frankie had already given you a row of drawers to keep your things in.

You’d honestly never been happier, both on cloud 9 and it never faded, you were incredibly excited to begin this new start with Frankie and Gabi. It all seemed to have happened so fast. It had only been five months, you hadn’t even told your family about him yet, mostly to avoid comments on the age gap. 

You were relieved the hiccup in your relationship settled, you didn’t like feeling unsure or that someone resented you. When you started feeling secure again, you clung to it. That sparkle of joy was hard to keep in check.

You picked your Fall schedule out together and spent the remaining weeks of summer basking in your relationship, playing with Gabi, going out with the guys, and constant fucking. But your most favorite thing was still lying on the couch with Frankie, teasing each other and watching bad TV.

“This is simultaneously the best and worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I don’t understand how they achieved this.”

Frankie shrugs, reaching to your lap for the giant bowl of popcorn, his eyes still glazed to the TV where Mad Max: Fury Road is playing. “I dunno. Who cares? It’s cars and chaos!”

“And Tom Hardy. And Charlize Theron.”

He pinches you on the waist, acting threatened by your thirst just to tease you. “You ever been to a demo derby? This kind of reminds me of it.”

You sit up from where your back is resting against his chest. “Um, no? Isn’t that kind of…for rednecks?”

He laughs, his eyes crinkling. “I’m not sure if you noticed, but Benny and Will are rednecks. But no, it’s for anyone who likes cars crashing into each other. There’s actually one at the fair every year. We always go to it. You should come.”

“I’m not going to a demo derby.”

“Aw come on! It’ll be fun! First time for Gabi too, and there’s rides and games and funnel cake and fried oreos—” He pauses as you hold your hand up to silence him.

“I’ll go. You had me at ‘funnel cake.’”

The fair is packed. The final hurrah of the summer before kids return to school and university students dive back into their studies. The derby started at 8 PM sharp, you, Dali, and the boys got there plenty early to look around a bit, get some food, and find seats.

You forgo any typical entree and go right for the funnel cake, heaping fruit and extra powdered sugar on it until the plate is a big mound of sweet. The guys had talked you up on this for days, Benny wouldn’t shut up about it, and you found yourself excited to watch. Your legs bounce impatiently as you scarf down your cake, breaking off pieces here and there to feed to Gabi and your boys.

The seats were bleachers, hard metal planks that hurt your butt and back and caught vibration from every footfall, but Pope sat behind you so you could lean back against his legs to be more comfortable. 

It’s a long wait. The bleachers eventually fill up, you certainly had the best seat in the house (thank you Will), and you could see the hoods up of participating cars behind the commentator podium. The air is musty, the odor of wet dirt from a quick August shower earlier that day.

When the first round of vehicles start revving their engines, Frankie pulls some earphones for Gabi and secures it to her head. Once he’s sure she’s comfortable, he quickly runs you through the basic rules. “So there’s several ‘heats’, and which heat you’re in is based on how many cylinders the car has. Last car moving is the winner, but you can’t just avoid the other cars the whole time. No continuing if your car starts sparking from the engine, no hitting the driver side door, and no hitting anyone who’s already out.” 

“Wait, cars catch on fire in this?”

Before Frankie can answer, the announcer calls out the first heat and you almost choke at the state of the cars coming out. They were completely dilapidated, windows punched out and hood frames reinforced with extra steel. It looked like each entry had about 5 different parts all from different cars, horrendous paint jobs, and one of them even had a stuffed dinosaur duct taped to the hood. Some of them looked like they had already been hit by cars, parts hanging off and bumpers pressing in on itself. None of these cars would last at all. There’s no way...

The rink was surrounded by giant cement cinder blocks creating a large “rink” type area. The contestants lined the front bumpers of their vehicles up parallel to each other at the barricades separating the cars from the bleachers, alternately revving their engines during the countdown.

“Okay, so, usually we all pick the car we think is going to win.” Benny says. You lean forward to look over the assortment of jacked up cars for this heat, eventually settling on an old Toyota Corolla painted a matte black. Benny chooses the dino car, Will chooses a Dodge Stealth with it’s headlights hanging outside the socket, Dali and Pope argue over a Ford Taurus whose back end was already smashed into the back seats, and Frankie chooses a Chevy Impala, which you immediately regret not taking because it has such a long front and back end. Lots of room for smashing and being able to keep going.

Gabi jumps up and down on Frankie’s lap as he points out things to her over the sounds of engines and a countdown, and then the cars are off off, engines roaring and dirt kicking up as they all reverse at full speed, several of them crunching up in the middle while others circle around the perimeters.

It soon becomes clear to you that there is no rhyme or reason to which car makes it and which doesn’t. Pope’s Taurus didn’t even start and is eliminated after 2 minutes of no movement, and whoever is driving the boxy piece of shit Honda Accord that Dali had to select is a fucking maniac, winding and weaving at full speed backwards, hitting whoever gets in their way. Her choice is the winner of that heat. 

Most of them are driving backwards, and Will tells you it’s because they are trying to protect the engine. You deflate in your seat a little in disappointment, but he assures you that as the heat winds down and there's fewer cars taking up the space, the drivers and announcer will get impatient and they will hit each other head to head.

You’re shocked at how much you enjoy it. At one point a car hits the passenger side door of another so hard that it is pushed up and onto the barricade wall from the inertia, hanging from an angle as the crowd jeers and shrieks in excitement. One car flips over completely, another’s engine bursts into flames and the crowd all starts crying out caution because the announcer can’t see it. You’ve never seen anything like it before and there was so much fire you were sure the whole thing would blow up, but the driver slid out the glassless driver’s side window like it was no big deal and walked it off.

There is something satisfying about two cars hitting each other at full speed, the bodies of them crunching, wheels hanging off axles, bumpers being dragged behind and run over by other drivers, cars with mangled pieces becoming stuck to each other so they can’t separate until another car hits them, tires completely gone and cars only moving on its hubs. It’s chaos in a safe format, a way to experience destruction and violence in a way that feels good and unharmful. 

Gabi has never been so amazed in her entire life, her mouth hangs open and she wriggles against her dad to see everything, laughing every time a collision happens. The audience oohs and ahhs and boos and screams and cheers and teases, you and your friends join the clamor as you have your own mini competition with yourselves.  

Giant fork tractors come into the arena area to lift the cars that can’t move anymore, some guys are able to get theirs back up and running, driving them to the sides to shape up for the final Battle Royale.

The final heat is fucking wild. All the cars that were already battered enough before they even began to come back out, returned to do another round for the final winner. With all the action you’d barely even noticed that contestants whose cars were still driveable had spent the remaining heats beyond the barricades hammering and reforming their vehicles enough to compete again. 

And at the end, the winner of all faces the crowd, pulls off their helmet to reveal a thick curly mass of long hair.  The winner is a woman. You and Dali cheer until your throats hurt.

It’s over too soon. There’s a mass exodus the instant the derby is over, the packed stadium standing and pouring down the stairs pressing so tight that you and your boys decide to hang back until it thins out. You lead the way, Frankie’s large and warm hand grazing your waist as you slowly move down the stairs and back out into the fair, turning to wait for the rest of your friends to make it out.

“What next?” Benny says when you are all reunited. “More food? Games? Rides?”

“I’m not eating more before getting on rides, let's do those now.” Says Frankie, grumbling as he hears you tease him with Benny. He whips his head around to glare at you. “Just you wait until you get older and start getting sick on rides, I cannot wait to make fun of you back.”

The wait for the ride tickets is long, but it leaves plenty of time for the group to decide how many are needed. Who is riding what, who isn’t, what pairings and who will watch Gabi on the rides she can’t do. You’re surprised when Will and Pope back out of the Zipper, leaving you and Benny as a pairing for that.

Riding it was a mistake. The ride is basically a giant airborne conveyer belt with completely enclosed containers for people hanging off it that were 360 degree capable. And it lasted FOREVER. You lose some of your funnel cake behind the ride out of sight, threatening violence on Benny if he outs you to the others. 

But it didn’t stop you from riding The Freak Out immediately afterwards, a rotating pendulum swing that made you feel like you were going to be catapulted out of your seat. The ride seated 4 groups of 4 so that in between squeezing your eyes shut, you could catch watery glimpses of Benny red-faced and cackling hysterically, Will’s chants of “ohfuckohfuckohfuckOHfuckOHFUCKOHSHIT FUCCCCCCK!”, and Frankie looking…absolutely fine. It was almost disturbing really, he was calm and collected, the only hint that this might have been something other than a nice drive in his truck was his giant smile, the tears leaking from his squinted eyes, his chocolate curls whipping around in the breeze as his hands clutch his hat in his lap with a steel grip.

“How the fuck were you so calm?!” You gasp as you stumble off the rickety landing platform. You hadn’t moved yet you felt like you had run a mile, your heart was beating so fast from the adrenaline it almost felt like you might have a heart attack. 

Frankie shrugs. “Feels like a copter in a bad air current.” 

You simply stare blinking. 

“No, he’s always like this. Like this one time, we were flying in a helo over the Andes mountains, and—”

A sharp stare from Frankie that he tries to hide from you makes Benny backpedal. 

“Uhhh yea we were flying over some mountains and the air current was wild but we got over the mountains just fine and everything was fine and we were fine.”

Your heart seizes in your chest, that same feeling of not being told something creeping up. You hate it. You push it back down, swallowing heavily to center yourself. “So I assume you were fine.”

“Yea. Yea. Cat is a good pilot.” 

You hum, the panic still not leaving your chest.

Frankie grabs your hand as you walk. “It happened a lot, I just got used to it.”

“It happened a lot?”

“Yea. I mean, sometimes we were flying through shit climates, sometimes even pursued. Doesn’t make for a smooth ride. I’m just used to it. They always scream bloody murder though.” Frankie smiles softly.

“Oh.”

You go silent, continuing to walk to the next destination: the scrambler. You had already established you would not ride and Dali wanted some funnel cake herself, so she heads off while you stay off to the side with Gabi to watch, lost in your own thoughts.

“Just don’t fucking talk about that, none of that. That never happened.” Frankie seethes to Benny as they are strapped into the ride. 

“Sorry dude, I can’t read your thoughts. I figured she knew.”

“No. I don’t want her to know. No one else needs to know about it.”

Benny falls silent, looking to Will beside him. Pope lowers his head, choosing to say nothing.

“Catfish…you have to.” Says Will.

“No the fuck I don’t. I never want her to know. If she knows…she’ll actually see ‘real me’. ‘Fuck-up me.” And I don't want her to yet. I don’t want to lose her yet. I don’t want her to be afraid. Stop fucking looking at me like that.”

They stop. But only because the ride starts, and they can’t see anything other than blurs.

You hate this feeling, this fluttering in your stomach like something is wrong but your heart knows, it knows it’s fine. It has to be. Your mind is spinning, trying to combat the rising anxiety clenching in your chest, doing gymnastics to find reasons to not be alarmed.

He’s not lying about something. He’s not. …He promised….I’m just overthinking this…

You can’t. You refuse to even think about it. Confronting the terrible possibility that you might’ve done it again, you might have thrown yourself all in to someone only to—-no. 

He’s not lying. He’s not. …He promised….he’s different. I’m just overthinking this…

You can feel butterflies bubbling in your stomach and you feel like you might throw up. Fucking men. You huff in frustration and try to distract yourself with your surroundings, watching people on rides, sharing funnel cake. Your eyes scan over two men staring at you silently by a skewered chicken cart and in your current mood it makes you furious. “What the fuck are you staring at?!” You growl at them. They say nothing and slowly walk away, disappearing into the crowd. Fucking. Men.

You try not to let your emotions show. You sit back while Gabi goes on some rides for her age, using the time to rehydrate and calm yourself down. Living through Gabi’s joy helps.. She’s having a blast, choosing a different person to pair with for each time ride. Pope in the Wacky House, the Helicopters with her dad, Benny on the mini Viking ship. Once you feel better you join in to play bumper cars (Will and Gabi win) and ride the high-rise swings with her seated in the cool metal chair next to you, Benny singing along to the ambient speakers playing “Out of My League” so loud eventually all the other teens on the ride join in.You enjoy the mini coaster more than you thought you would considering it’s for kids Gabi’s age, you and Dali are the only others who can fit in the seats, no matter how hard Benny tried. It was easy to quickly forget.

After the coaster, Gabi begins to slow down, so you hit the fried oreo stand, paying for several batches despite protestation and alternately feeding everyone as the group slowly walks through the agricultural parts of the fair. It’s calmer here, the air warm and quiet. The pathway is less crowded so Gabi is able to frolic around on the walkway in front of you safely. 

You walk through every barn, stopping to pet every animal. She’s a natural with them. Completely fearless, not one flicker of apprehension as she approaches cows and horses that are easily 6 times her height, paying close attention to her dad in how to not spook them. Everyone finds the goats to be the favorite because of the sounds they make. Even more so when Frankie engages in a screaming contest back and forth with a bunch of them until someone shoos them out of the pavilion.

Soon, all the sugar Gabi consumed rears its ugly head in the rabbit barn, she throws a fit when Frankie won’t let her get a pet rabbit and you only just catch her upper arm in time to keep her from collapsing on the filthy barn floor. You’re surprised she held out so long. Even you were crashing and getting tired. Also, the rabbits were ridiculously cute.

“Listen Gabi, how about we ride the ferris wheel? Would you like that?” You kneel before her, swiping the tears off her cheeks as she catches her breath. “It goes really high! Higher than the swings!” She nods, sniffing in a snot bubble as she takes your hand. The two of you lead the way, and as you get closer and closer, you start to regret your decision. 

It’s much taller than the Freak Out. By more than 100 feet. It doesn’t look very stable either.

“Wait...this…this looks kind of high, don’t you think?” You turn to the guys, trying to conceal the wavering in your voice. You were scared enough at 70 feet. This was more like 200.

“Height requirement says she’s fine. And it’s enclosed, goes really slow. Come on.” Frankie takes you by the hand and your heart leaps into your throat, your feet skidding across the lawn as you try to pull back. 

A light shove pushes you forward and you turn to glare at Will as he smirks down at you. “If you don’t go I’m never going to let you hear the end of it. Not after you called us “old and broken down.”

Well shit.

“Fine.”

You’re shaking when it’s your turn, the group mad dashing to three cars next to each other so you could talk throughout. Benny pairs with Pope, Gabi is vibrating with excitement as she’s put into a carriage by Will and Dali, and Frankie is beaming as he motions you towards the left car. He pats your butt as you gingerly step in, waiting until you’re seated before joining you and taking your hand. 

“Babe…are you okay?”

You swallow, grateful it’s dark enough he can’t see you trembling. “Yep. I’m good.” 

He leans forward in his seat, the glowing phosphorescence of the lights of the ride and around the fair bathing him halfway in a multicolored glow. tThe colors and shadows fold into the angles of his face like rainbow chiaroscuro, an angular stained glass window. He takes your hand again, yours is swallowed in his palm and you close your eyes as he rubs his thumb across the top. The dark beat of Depeche Mode pounds against your chest and echoes in your ears and you briefly imagine this is what it must feel like to drop acid.

“Your hands are really sweaty…and you’re breathing really fast. Are you sure you’re okay? Hey…” He squeezes your palm and you open your eyes to meet his. “It’s okay if you’re scared. I won’t joke anymore about it, I’m sorry.”

You swallow. “It’s just really really high.”

Frankie watches the ride operator out of the corner of his eye passing their car as he makes sure everyone is safely locked in before tugging on your arm slightly. You slide forward minutely, he meets you more than halfway with his large limbs and rests his hands on your hips. You gasp as the ride jolts and begins rolling, lifting the cabs up in the air. His calloused fingertip pushes your head back up.

“How about I distract you.” He murmurs, shifting forward one inch more, tilting his neck as his soft pouty lips meet yours. 

You close your eyes, trying to lose your self awareness into him and his mouth and the soft skin of his nose that bumps your cheek and tickles your nose with its little breaths. 

The lift mechanism suddenly shudders, clunking over something and it feels like when you run over a squirrel in your car. You inhale sharply against Frankie’s lips as your cab jostles back and forth. Not much, but enough for you to slam yourself back against your seat and clutch the seat bottom as hard as you can. Your heart beats wildly and you imagine the ride breaking and dropping you on the ground to be crushed to death by this stupid fucking metal cab.

You feel pressure on your knees and look down, focusing hard to not see double from fear. Frankie cups both in his hands, thumbs lightly stroking the inside of your thighs. “It’s okay.” He reassures, squeezing your knees once more. “Probably an under-greased cog, it’s nothing. They test these things like 50 times a day.”

You simply stare, forcing yourself to nod. 

“Close your eyes.”

You open your mouth to argue then close it and obey. You trust Frankie, and it can’t be any worse. 

“Just focus on me. And…you hear the music? It’s called “Enjoy the Silence.” I was obsessed with this song when it came out. And can you hear Benny below us? I can hear Gabi laughing too. We’re all okay, you’re okay too.”

You bite your lips into your mouth, focusing on the song and Frankie’s husky voice. The meditative synth pop calms you, and the carefree voices of your friends below does help calm you, but you can’t slow down your heartbeat. 

“I’m okay. Just too much adrenaline.”

The hands on your knees slide up your bare thighs and wrap around the bottoms of them. Frankie pulls you forward in your seat with a smirk. “I’m feeling a little amped up too.”

“Frankie.”

He doesn’t respond, his sole focus on your thighs as his hands slide up and up and up until he is just able to slip the tip of one of his fingers under one leg of your shorts. For some reason, it pisses you off.

“Frankie!” You hiss. “People could see us.”

“Nah…” He shushes you, his finger sliding lower. 

You clamp your legs shut and push his hand back in his direction. “Frankie, I don’t want to right here.” 

He sits up. “Oh.”

Suddenly you hear Benny’s voice from below. “Hello we are underneath you guys! I don’t want to hear any hooking up sounds!” He trolls, and you fully push Frankie back to his side, your cheeks burning in embarrassment.

It’s the first time you can remember that it’s ever been uncomfortably awkward between the two of you, and you’re not sure why. The silence seems so much more noticeable and weird against the clanking of the Ferris wheel gears and the chattering of random other people.

You’re not even looking at each other, you realize. When did that happen? Your neck cranes to the left as you gaze at the stars, and when you turn back towards Frankie, he is looking to the right and down at the fair. 

“…Is everything okay?”

His eyes snap back to yours. “Yea? Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Cause I pushed you away, and…I dunno, you’re being weird..”

“Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not intentional. I’m not upset, c’mere.” He opens his arms wide to you, scooting on his bench so there’s enough room for you.

You hesitate. “Won’t it…won’t it throw off the balance?”

You feel ridiculous asking but he doesn’t laugh at you, just shakes his head slightly. “Nah, they wouldn’t be able to run this ride if people couldn’t sit on the same side.”

You balance awkwardly on the edge of your bench overanalyzing what exact moment during the track of the ride to launch onto his, but you overthink it and end up jostling the cab more than necessary. Frankie’s arms pull you into his side and you burrow your face in his neck as the cab continues to rock. The music fades from Depeche Mode to Lizzo to Lil’ Nas X (Will clearly enjoys that one) and then back to Lizzo, and you forget all about your uneasiness.

He was right. It did feel better being with him. 

The ride does one more pass then rolls to a halt, letting off you with Frankie and Benny with Santiago. You hover at the exit for Will and Gabi, who have to wait for their cab to reach the platform before dismounting. Frankie takes your hand as you wait.

Gabby’s adrenaline rush runs out fast, and you spend the remainder of the fair eating more fried Oreos and playing games. Somehow you manage to beat them all at the water shooting game, which amps up the competitiveness to the point you’d rather just watch.

Which is how you end up at the “star” game. 

“We’re so fucking good at this game, it pisses them off every time.” Laughs Benny, as he shoots the entire Star out perfectly with the gun that is specifically not given enough ammo to achieve this. You hop up on the far side of the counter to watch, noting the way each of you boys handles their weapon and the differences in each. Benny held his gun loosely, like he was relaxed and self assured. It almost seemed like you would be able to slap it out of his hands but you knew he still had an iron grip. Will was precise and, as you expected, “perfect form”. You could tell just from Pope’s posture change that he was the best shot on the team, you’d never seen him look so focused. Frankie held his with a tense white knuckle grip, the folding stock tucked against his shoulder joint. The tension carrying up his arms as his veins popped out in his forearms and biceps. He looked fucking good. And you wouldn’t consider yourself a “gun person.” In fact, you kind of hated them. But there just was something about a strong non-douchey man holding a rifle like that that activated you. Damn the patriarchy. Even Dali is a great shot, though not as good as the guys.

After a few rounds, the carnie finally stopped allowing your posse to keep playing, frustrated that somehow the rigging system didn’t work on your group. You lean back on your hands, your legs swinging against the wood counter, observing Benny arguing with the carnie with a smirk. Gabi is passed out in her stroller next to you as Frankie sidles up to you, feeding you a piece of Fried Reeses, then promptly kissing you so the taste floats between you. 

He hums deeply, stepping closer to you til he’s between your legs. His hands rest low on the top of your thighs. “This ok?”

You smile. “Yes. More than okay. And I want more.” 

Frankie beams and cups your face, his lips crashing into yours as he all but breathes you in. You tilt your head and poke his mouth with your tongue. He responds immediately and opens for you, meeting you halfway. You whine softly as his hands leave your cheeks and trail down your back, one hand sneaking a bit lower to discreetly cup your ass. You’ve just wound your legs around his hips and your arms around his neck when you hear a shrill voice cut through the din of the dwindling crowd.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Your heart slams to a halt so fast it hurts. You recognize that voice. And so does Frankie. Your heads both snap to the left as a disheveled looking Lex stands there with a bunch of her friends.

Frankie simply stares. She repeats herself. “Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. The BABYSITTER? Are you fucking your BABYSITTER??? Oh Frankie…come on…how pathetic can you be? She’s like a child!”

You look at Frankie, receding into himself like a silent, terrified puppy. You’ve never seen him like this before, it unnerves you.

“Excuse me.” You snap back. “I am 28.”

She scoffs. I fucking knew something was going on with you two. And you’re doing this in front of my child?”

“Well, actually, Gabi is sleeping. At least she was, until you came ranting and raving.” You make eye contact with Pope, who reads your perfectly and starts steering Gabi’s stroller away so she can’t hear. “We made sure to be careful for her but why do you even care if we are fucking? You left him! You didn’t want him anymore, so it shouldn’t fucking matter who he dates.” 

“He’s a drug addict and a pathological liar. He will NEVER change.”

“Yea? And you are a drunk, controlling, OCD bitch who can’t mind her own fucking business. He’s happy with me. I trust him. Unlike you. Bye.” You couldn’t help yourself, you just fucking hated her.

But that set her off. “Did he tell you why he was suspended?”

“Yes, he—“

“Did he tell you he was high, flying a family and he almost injured everyone from a sloppy landing? Did he tell you how he would take Gabi to his drug dealers house with him? How he went on a STUPID fucking mission with these idiots to burglarize a fucking drug lord completely off paper? That I deliberately asked him not to because we had a new baby? That he crashed their helicopter, dropped all their money and shot innocent villagers to keep them from getting it? At children and old men adn women? That because of that, Molly’s husband was shot in the fucking head by one of those people? And then they couldn’t even bring the money back so it was all for no reason?”

She’s shouting now, spittle flying from her inebriated lips. One of her friends tries to grab her arm but she shakes them off. People in the crowd are starting to stop and watch. “Then, THEN, he treated me like shit, saying horrible things to me just when he was mad, throwing things, scaring me!”

You feel like you can’t breathe, it’s too much information all at once. “...What? I don’t…No. no, he said he was on a delta mission–”

“Oh sweetheart,” She sneers condescendingly. “He was on a greed mission. He was retired from delta. This was like a year ago. They all wanted to get rich and robbed a fucking drug kingpin and Frankie shot innocent people to make sure he got alllllll that money. And because of that, his friend was shot and killed and his family has NO idea why. He lied to you.”

You turn to look at him, and all his friends. Everyone is silent, trying not to look up from the ground. Dali looks as bewildered as you. “Frankie…?” Tears water in your eyes and you feel like your heart is going to burst. You thought he told you it was an enlisted mission, but on top of everything else you just learned your thoughts are rushing so fast you can’t seem to remember specifics. 

Frankie can’t even look at you. And that’s how you know. 

It’s true…

“Lex. Stop.” Will’s Southern drawl cuts through the silence, the commanding officer in him coming out. “It’s over. This shit between you two has to stop. Enough.” His eyes shift to Lex’s friends, who are nodding and repeating the same thing. Lex finally allows them to pull her away muttering under her breath, sending one last glare in your direction.

The walk to the truck is silent. The ride home is a foggy blur. But the minute you step into the house, you crack. 

“Frankie please tell me all this is not true.” You can’t read him at all, his face is completely blank as he moves around you towards Gabi’s bedroom to tuck her in.

So you wait.

His hackles are already up when he comes back out.

“Frankie–”

“Yea.”

“Well?”

“Yea. It’s true. We tried to steal money from one of Pope’s cases and it backfired and Tom got shot.”

“Because of you.”

His expression changes then, from blank nothing to vicious defensive anger. “Yea. Because of me. I fucked up the flight back and we crash landed and these fuckin’ villagers were gonna take the money! And it was an accident!”

“You ‘accidentally’ shot innocent people?”

He swallows, his jaw clenching and unclenching. You can see he’s doing mental gymnastics in order to avoid accountability. 

“Did your finger slip?”

No answer. 

“Frankie. Did your finger slip on the trigger?”

You already know the answer before he says it. And somehow it’s like he morphs into a Disney villain as he says it. “No. My finger didn’t slip.”

It burns, the sharp pain in your heart that makes you feel like it’s having a seizure or forgot how to pump blood or is pumping too much blood. “How many people did you kill.”

He shrugs. “I dunno.”

“You don’t know? How can you not know?! Frankie, you told me this was your job! You- you fucking lied to me! I-I I asked you if you were hiding anything else from me and you fucking lied to me!” You can’t help your voice raising, the tears spilling out of your eyes as you realize how fucking stupid you had been. Somewhere in the background you can hear Gabi has woken and is hysterically crying. Frankie, clearly having enough, turns back towards her room. But you continue, screaming at his back. “And that’s why Tom is dead? And his family doesn’t know why?!”

Frankie doesn’t answer and suddenly you are enraged. You run behind him and shove him forward. “I’m fucking talking to you! How can you just be so fucking blase about this??? And…all that other shit???—I feel like I don’t know you at all!”

He whirls around, that furious murderous face you ‘ve seen him give others is finally directed at you. “Because you don’t!” He screams back, his teeth nash and he shoves a finger one inch from  your face. You flinch.

“Frankie, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m scaring you? Really? I thought this was your thing?” 

You blink, confused, tears stalling on your face. “Don’t–”  You plead softly.

“No, Lex is right. You’re a naive little girl who thinks she can save worthless idiots like me and live some fucking fantasy happily ever after. You won’t. You can’t. I’m unfixable.”

“How can you say that!! Frankie, I love you!

He scoffs. “I know you think you do. And I know you aren’t stupid, you told me you’ve done this before. But guess what sweetie, you aren’t better, you’re still doing it because you’re so fucking desperate for someone to love you. You don’t love me. You just want to feel like some fucking savior.”

“No! No… I didn’t, I don’t…you told me you loved me!”

“I wanted to fuck you.” His eyes are black as far, it’s like you don’t even recognize his face anymore. Lex was right. Lex was right. How…did you make all of it up in your head?

“You…You’re a fucking psycho…I feel like you emotionally manipulated me into caring for you only for you to play games with me! I specifically told you I couldn’t go through this again and you fucking did it anyway!”

“Hey, you kissed me. And you were fun to fuck, I will admit that. Let me do fucking anything. But we both knew this would happen. You set yourself up. I did shoot those villagers. I caused Tom’s death. I just wanted the fucking money. And I wanted to kill a bunch of kids too, when they got in my way. Fuckin’ teenagers and I told Pope to fucking shoot them all.  And you know what else? We went back and got all that fucking money we hid, and we are fucking swimming in it. And I didn’t share a goddamn dime with my ex. You’re right. I am a psycho, so it’s a good thing this is over. Pack your shit and leave me alone.”

“Fuck you Frankie.”

You don’t wait another moment. You don’t need to be asked twice this time. You shove him aside on your way down the hallway, doing everything you can not to let the second round of tears fall. He’d seen enough.

You slam the door of the master bedroom behind you, frantically bouncing around different points in the room to grab all your shit. When did all of this stuff even get here? Anxiety bubbles up your chest until you can’t take it anymore and say fuck it, he can just throw anything else out. I have to get out of here.

You rush back down the hallway like a speed demon, praying to whatever that he won’t be standing in the hallway still. He isn’t. He’s sitting on his couch facing away from you, his head in his hands. You hate yourself for wanting to go comfort him. He’s right…I’m

not better…

You pause on the front doorway, struggling to say what needs to be said. Don’t be weak. Don’t keep letting people do this to you over and over. “Don’t contact me.I never want to see you again.” You say to his back.

He doesn’t move a muscle, or even look at you. “You won’t.”

You were able to make it halfway across the lawn before the grief fully hit. By the time you got to your car you were gasping like you were no longer able to breathe. And the minute your car door shut you broke, a wailing sob bursting from your lips as you bury your face in your palms. 

Again. It happened again. And it’s just as crushing as every other time, except now it feels like you never healed from the others and now they are all piling on top of the other with this one as the final blow.

Why. WHY? Was there something wrong with you? Why were you never enough? Why couldn’t you make them stay? What did you do to keep having to go through this? It almost killed you last time, your eyes squeeze shut as you remember the look on your parents face as they watched you writhe on your bed screaming and crying hysterically from your latest breakup.

And why did you let yourself fall into it again, like you had never learned a goddamn thing. It was like you were masochistic, you told yourself you would never need someone again so badly, you wouldn’t enmesh yourself so fully that when it fell apart you could barely function. Your heart was once again ripped out of your chest and thrown to the floor, the cracks from before making this shattering into pieces so small you know it can’t get repaired again.

With a trembling whimper, you pull your face out of your hands and wipe your eyes, your nose. You realize you’re still sitting in Frankie’s driveway and you immediately look to see if he's at the window, concerned for you. He isn’t. You hate yourself for it but it breaks you even more. 

It’s over.

You drive home mindlessly, your Spotify on shuffle and you aren’t aware of anything else. Just get home. Just get home and then you can cry, try to move on. But you already know you won’t. 

You finally tire yourself out of tears, and you try to talk yourself up, turning up the music and chanting “it’s okay” to yourself. 

It’s Coldplay. You always liked Coldplay. 

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try, you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you…

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face, and I–

You slam the on/off button so hard you actually cause the auxiliary cord to malfunction, so you rip it out of your phone and throw the damn thing on the passenger seat. You drive home in silence.

It’s dark in the lot when you arrive. You park in a spot along the side and towards the back because the lot is mostly full. The only light shining is the pole yards away, the bulb switches off and on opposite of the dark one right above you. 

You feel numb. You can still feel sticky dried tears on your face, but your ability to utter a sound is gone. You close your eyes and try to compose yourself, simply sitting in your car in the dark. You’re avoiding going upstairs, you know. You’ve pretty much been living at Frankie’s. Walking through that door would make it feel too ‘official’. You cover your face with your hands and rub the tears tracks off your raw face, and are about to take a breath and gather your shit when a THWACKING sound bursts right in your left ear.

You startle with a yelp and look out your window, prepared to tell off whoever is messing with you, but freeze when you find yourself face to face with the barrel of a gun, the only thing separating you from it is the shitty window glass on your cheap car.

»»———————►

Post A/N: Don't yell at me lol

[selfhelpforstudents]

ORGANIZE YOUR STUDY SPACE

Organizing your study space is really important. Avoid starting to study before that because getting up to get things you don’t have at hand will distract you. I have my own “desk organization list”. Laptop, iPad, Apple Pencil, earphones, water, fruits, my pencil case, my folders, paper, etc.

MAKE A TO-DO LIST

Make a "to do list" and plan everything out. When exactly are your exams?  How many days do you want to study for each subject? Which subject needs more time? Etc., etc.

REMEMBER WHY YOU DO THIS

Never forget what your goals are and how it will feel to achieve them. Take a short minute and close your eyes. Imagine how it will feel to reach your goals...the happiness, the joy, the impact and life you are going to have. Maybe write it down, draw it, create a vision board, etc.

IT IS OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES

When studying we do make mistakes sometimes. I hate it. You hate it. Yes, it’s awful. But they are GOOD. You learn from them. A short anecdote of my life: If I didn’t make the mistake of dating a complete idiot, I probably would not have learned that bad boys really aren’t that great haha.

USE EXAMPLES

To really understand something, you should find examples. E. g. if you are learning about some kind of criminal law, look up cases. If you are studying about the business cycle, look up examples of different countries. Is the US in a boom? Or a depression? Has it been in a depression before? What was that like?

CREATE QUIZZES

Quizz yourself. You can use apps such as Anki or write your own flashcards. This is the most important thing when studying something by heart or learning a language. Get your flashcards out of your pocket!  And quizz yourself every single day!

FIND LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE

Meet people who are also ambitious, who share your passion for studying and have similar career goals...and maybe study with them. It is amazing to connect with people, to expand your network, enjoy similarities and feel understood! (You can also join our study/mental health group on Discord. You are very welcome here! We do live study calls, etc.)

TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY

I know, studying is important. But what is even more important is your health. Don’t drain yourself. Drink enough water, eat healthy foods. You got this. Don’t worry! Take a short break after 25 minutes every time. Just a short one. Allow yourself to breath and close your eyes. Your brain needs breaks to function!

GET ENOUGH SLEEP

A numerous amount of studies have found out that the brain processes a lot of things while sleeping. This can be very beneficial to us! Study for a few minutes before going to bed or revise what you have studied that day. It will help you remember it better.

ALWAYS BE KIND TO YOURSELF

Last but not least, please be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Everything is going to be fine. You are not alone. You are loved. You are worthy. Please remember that! I love you.

Thank you for reading! If you need help or someone to talk to, feel free to contact me or join out study group on Discord. You are very welcome! I love you!

Sophia <3

Follow my Instagram to fight procrastination.

[justagalwhowrites]

this isn’t a criticism on you. you’re amazing and i adore you and i think you’re an incredibly talented writer. why is joel so mean all through lavender like he isn’t nice at all even in the beginning??? girl stand up, this man is not nice to you, find someone who treats you well! he’s always like i’m sorry for being a dick :( ok then stop being a dick then

OMG Hi Bestie!

I totally get what you're saying lol Lavender Joel is a tough one! I'm putting the rest below a cut because oh my GOD I wrote a lot, I have a chronic case of cannotshutthefuckupitis and it's incurable.

While I definitely get what you're saying, I do disagree in that I don't think he's an asshole at the beginning, at least not totally. He has his stumbling block of "this is wrong, I never should have done this" after they sleep together and has his dick moment at the bar. He struggles because of Doc's relationship to his daughter and the fact that the last time Joel had any kind of relationship with a woman it was Sarah's mom and I think he kind of sees himself as a potentially life ruining force for someone he adores and respects so much and he desperately doesn't want to be that for her. Before they're together he's looking out for her (saving her from the asshole guy, having her stay with him, doing little things like bringing her the pens when she's low on ink and making sure she drinks water because I think Joel's love language is acts of service) and once he lets himself love her, I think he's a great partner (though I could definitely be biased because I wrote him and we don't see a ton of their relationship together in the fic!) He supports her interests and ambitions, is so excited for and proud of her achievements, understands her struggles and cares for her through them. He just is keenly aware of the fact that he's not a traditionally successful person and he perpetually thinks she can do better than him. Eventually, he falls victim to that line of thinking and tries to do the "right thing" by breaking up with her.

With the breakup, I think Joel always kind of planned it to be a temporary thing - assuming Doc didn't find someone better for her while she was in med school, anyway. His hope was, at the back of his mind, once she went to Harvard or Yale or some other fancy school and she got matched for residency, Sarah would be off at college, Tommy would be more stable and he could be in a position to pick up and move to wherever she was and they could try again. He just couldn't bear to see her dictating her life around him and selling herself short because of his limitations. His greatest hope was for Doc and Sarah both to reach their full potential and do the things he knew they were capable of without him holding them back. If she met someone else and settled down then, well, it would hurt but he'd be happy for her, assuming it was someone who he thought was worthy (a high bar but it wasn't one he cleared.)

And thennnn there's the outbreak lol

Post-outbreak Joel is another matter ENTIRELY and I've talked about my interpretation of Joel's character a lot BUT it boils down to this: Joel is too traumatized to fully, properly love anyone. Not that trauma inherently keeps you from loving someone but Joel has this really horrible storm of circumstances around his trauma that makes it basically impossible. The biggest one is that the person he loved most in the world died in his arms and he couldn't handle that so he tried to die, too. To the basic parts of his brain - the parts that keep him alive, logical or otherwise - the association has been made: love will kill you. Just like someone who may have been in an awful car accident might have a hell of a time getting behind the wheel again, he can't just let himself love someone. Add that to the fact that the QZ is a state of constant retraumatization for Joel - his daughter died at the hands of a military force and he lives in a city controlled by the military, his job often involves him carrying the bodies of dead children - he can't move past the thing that gave him that association to begin with. The problem is, he already loved Doc. That doesn't just go away. So his poor trauma-addled brain sees her as a threat to his survival and is constantly and instinctually trying to push her away. He doesn't want to be doing these things. He clings so hard to her when he first gets to the QZ because what he wants is to be with her. The trauma just doesn't allow it. The reason it works out when it does is that he's removed from the state of retraumatization and put into a situation where he has a lot more control than he had in his daily life in the QZ and he was finally confronted with the fact that losing her would kill him, regardless of how near or far she is.

You are right, though, that Doc really did not have a spine when it comes to Joel (or a lot of things, really) but that was kind of by design. She accepts his treatment because of her own baggage. Being abandoned by her parents in infancy, being treated with a certain level of resentment by her grandmother (who loved her but really didn't want to be the one raising her), her best friend dying by suicide in her teens, she has developed this complex that she is supremely unwanted and unworthy. She feels like everything she does needs to justify her existence because she doesn't inherently have a reason to be there. Her whole life, she's been an inconvenience at best and she's keenly aware of that fact and she spends her whole life trying to make up for it (just look at her career choices - always looking to care for others.) While Joel never thought he was worthy of her, she never thought she was worthy of him, either. But instead of trying to push him away, she did everything she could to endear herself to him, including tolerate his mistreatment because she doesn't realize that she deserves better.

Joel and Doc are very much two sides of the same coin (which was the point of the fic!) in that they have a lot of the same trauma. The feelings of being unworthy from before, the loss after. But when they both lost everything, Doc took the path of "cling to everyone I love as hard as I can" when it came to surviving while Joel took the track of "push everyone away and I won't be at risk." They pick these paths right at the beginning, with Joel choosing suicide when he loses everything and Doc choosing to keep going because she knows Joel would want her to. In the end, when they're in a place where they're safe and their basic needs are being met, they can heal and have a relationship that's far healthier.

ANYWAY lol I'm sure you didn't want an entire dissertation about my interpretation of Joel but here we are! I hope this is some insight into why I wrote him the way I did. It's mainly that trauma is a hell of a drug and Joel got a hell of a dose of it.

Thank you for asking, bestie! Love you!

[maxwell-grant]

Thoughts on Lupin: Part 3

Covered my thoughts on seasons 1 and 2 already and I just finished season 3 so I'm gonna write about it here. Bottom line: HahahahaHA this show rules so much man.

Everything that was strong about the prior seasons is still there if not better, and they patched up several things I otherwise disliked about it. Also god I missed the mark big time by watching the prior seasons with the English dub for some reason, no wonder I didn't like most of the characters when they all sounded like they were sleepwalking. Just, watch with the French audio, don't be an idiot like me.

I actually like Assane's family now? Maybe that's because of the dub thing letting me see the actual performances, but there seemed to be a lot more effort this season to make us care about Claire and Raoul's own struggles and the really bad things they have to deal with because of Assane and how they deal with them. There's an extent to which these characters exist because otherwise Assane would suffer no consequences and no caveats to just doing whatever he wants, a.k.a the cool Lupin stuff we signed up for but can't be too over-indulged in, and that made them feel more like roadblocks than people, but to me this time they actually feel more like people, and people who can have their own things going on or even get involved in the good stuff without compromising their importance, and those consequences thus actually matter more.

God I can't believe how great the disguises were this season and how many there were. Again, definitely feels like they had to refine the process in the first two seasons so we can have this one with Assane actually going the nine yards with multiple overlapping fake personas and disguises per episode. Omar is masterful in all of them and the show seems so confident that it even lets Ben, Guedira and Claire dip their toes in the action a bit. I was actually really impressed by Coach Alex, even though he does look a bit uncanny and a little A.I-ish. I could still buy that as a real person.

It's doing this thing I really like that The Shadow does, where the character has a lot of different methods by which he achieves his disguises ranging from high-tech/borderline fantasy to very simple DIY tools, but the process featured is obscured enough that you can never fully tell which is being used, and so the character can have this borderline superpower still grounded enough to not look like one.

I actually didn't mind the villain this time around. There's a nice progression of putting Assane against an invisible and seemingly invincible shadowy gang forcing him to do their bidding (which lets them do the heist-of-the-week format without compromising the larger plot), that turns out to be just one horrible man from his past armed with henchmen and a grudge, which means he gets to be developed and taken out within the season without much delay and without Assane having to make stupid out-of-character blunders to let him escape to menace another day (which was a problem I had with Pelligrini). I like that Keller gets to be legitimately scary as a threat to Assane's loved ones, but is also undone by being a stupid piece of shit who only knows how to abuse and manipulate children until they all turn on him, and once he and Assane are on even ground he goes out like a chump.

Putting Pellegrini completely out of sight and saving him for the final twist where he's been pulling a Kingpin in prison with god knows what consequences even warmed me up to him as a villain, if nothing else because, okay, a Lupin worth his name needs a Cagliostro menace, and the ending twist isn't even about him so much as it's about the betrayal of someone Assane confided in.

And unfortunately that ending twist is good enough that it would be awful if any of those three turned out to be the backstabbers and there's equal arguments for being any of them (I don't think it's going to be Pellegrini's daughter precisely because she's the most predictable, I don't think they'd do the Countess of Cagliostro that 1-to-1)

(Art is from the cover of Lupin: Échec à la reine, which is a prequel novel focused on Benjamin. I don't think it's been translated to English but it got published in Brazil.)

Look, it's good drama, yes, we need stakes to keep this going, yes, but BEN NOOOOO, GODDAMNIT ASSANE

Unfortunately I can't fault Assane that much despite the fact that he barely knew his mom. There was no good option there, Ben would have fumbled it if he was even a little on the plan, and I'm not sure if he later realized why Assane did it or if he didn't realize at all, I mean the ending twist sets him up as one of the potential backstabbers and it's gonna be really fucking heartbreaking if so, but...man, I don't fault the way everyone reacted to that episode, but I can't get that mad at Assane for what he did.

The heist he did with his mom at the prime minister's mansion complete with jetski escape added another 10 years to our lifespan. Utterly delightful. I love this show so much.

I was a bit iffy on how the prior seasons approached the existence of Arsene Lupin books in-text and I'm still a little mixed on it. However, the sheer reverence and omnipresent popularity of Arsene Lupin the character actually isn't even that unrealistic to the character's real life popularity in France or elsewhere, or how much the show has done to refuel said popularity. I mean, hell, I and others got to see it firsthand Lupin being the talk of the town non-stop. It still takes me a little out of the show, but it's far from a dealbreaker.

Major major leg that this thing has above so many other contemporary reboots/adaptations is that this is FUN, Lupin in general should always get to be fun and more than a little stupid sometimes, and this gets it. This thing delights in carrying us through every step of the process by which the main character does his impressive things, laying out all the components in plain sight and putting them together and even letting you feel smart for realizing how it's coming together and still being surprised when it does.

This is the show that Sherlock wishes it was, because of course Lupin can't make a comeback without putting one over his good old rival Sholmes.

The show was always strong, I think, but every season so far's just been refining things and making all of it's strengths better. It's so so good and I hope it keeps going, this thing does crazy numbers every season, I just never see it talked about much in English circles. I'm glad it's been going strong the way it has. Assane has become one of my favorite protagonists in anything and I might even watch the show again soon.

Still unbelievably good and has only gotten better from what was already a very strong start.

[skyler10fic]

Public journaling because I need to get this out:

I'm having reflux/GERD induced by my anxiety disorder among other stress related things.

This anxiety is often triggered by spending time engaging with how awful the world is.

I do want to help raise awareness, make the world a better place, be a more informed voter, and do my duty to give everyone resources to do the same.

I cannot keep engaging with this reality at the current rate.

I struggle to set boundaries with my scrolling because it's my highest level/easiest accessible connection point with other people and something for my ADHD brain to focus on.

I cannot simply stay focused because of the ADHD. It is an inability.

At home, I do other things, like household tasks.

But I'm required to be in the office three days a week. Half days are an unofficial/coincidental accomodation.

When I'm at the office, I don't have little tasks to do. Everything is (honestly quite boring) deep thinking, high concentration work.

I cannot "just get a new, more interesting job" in a field that was always highly competitive and has been dying for 20 years. My job is very good for pay and benefits in comparison to others in my field.

So the key is I need a way to engage with people and work with my brain that isn't working against it: neither doomscrolling nor shaming myself into just staring at the screen and forcing myself to work at a slower pace so I don't have so much extra time. I can't just tell my brain not to be bored or not to need distractions.

If I get up from my desk at the office, I'm supposed to count it as break time. So I can't go on walks on the clock. If I take lots of breaks, that adds to the amount of time I'm physically at the office and cuts down on free time. (I do take 30 minute lunch and occasionally 15 minutes here and there.)

My group chats are great, but my friends have busy lives with lots of other things going on so it's not the frequency and volume of Twitter and Threads.

Almost all of my friends are far away, and the people physically close to me have resisted my efforts to increase emotional closeness and depth. They are all in for hanging out, but uncomfortable with emotions or vulnerability or friendship beyond "people I do preorganized activities with."

I can't eliminate the brain need through ADHD meds because of my liver problems (thanks for that, Strattera extremely rare side effects) and other medical risks the doc is not willing to take. Psych doc also says I need to show a positive result on the computerized ADHD $5k test my insurance doesn't pay for (created for hyperactive boys, not high achieving adult women who perform well on tests) to really consider my "attention issues" as for sure ADHD despite EVERY other medical professional verbally diagnosing me. I definitely have ADHD. This is not a question. But there doesn't seem to be a med solution anyway.

Possible solutions I'm working on:

1. More library books I can sneak glances at or listen to on my phone

2. Lists, curated social media experiences, joining more happy/low-stress groups

3. Boundaries, muting words, blocking abundantly

4. Under desk bike helps a lot when I'm not too tired

5. Standard GERD reduction tips and other physical health care

6. Mental health care

7. Listen to soothing ASMR at night

8. Physical self care (food, exercise, hydration, sleep, etc)

I think if I didn't have the ADHD creating a need that the doom sites solve (and by solve, I mean meet the immediate need by creating different problems), this would be easier. It isn't simple "addiction." It's higher up the logical food chain than that.

Today this came to a head with some emotional dysregulation: there is a big personal issue with someone I trusted potentially being a bad guy, and I can't talk about it with my local friends because they won't understand OR they are his coworkers, who can't discuss the situation with me for understandable HR reasons.

Add that stress on to the national / global doom written on the wall for political reality and history and life as we know it, and then there are Oppression Olympics competitors yelling at us that we're privileged , spoiled brats if we're upset because THEY have been marginalized worse than us and THEY aren't fazed or distressed because they are so morally superior to us BABIES who are apparently new here....

Blah blah blah

Anyway. I would very much like to get rid of this stress response in my digestive system so I can eat normal food.

[spotsupstuff]

Can we see those ideas on Haboob colony?

went thru the ideas with me sis so they are Mostly solid, though i still need to read up on Moroccan/Arabic cultures so some stuff is still quite subject to change (but then again what isn't)

and for the next years that it took to plan out and construct Inhale in Haboob, Boreas' Blessing's school was full of visitors from the other side of the continent

because of this "you can't follow us" caused rejection, the people of the Great Desert never really adopted the extremistic views of the Global Religion. they still have it! but the corruption of it is very low

which is why if Sparrows once reincarnated into life there, she might have for once done well in the religious aspect of life. because what is right and what is not is ultimately decided by the collective belief of the people. the people of the Great Desert believe in not clinging to the subjects of the sins, rather than a full eradication. much easier n reasonable to achieve

being out of the status quo when it comes to treatement of the Iterators also meant that they had an unique approach to Haboob once she was finished (despite a lot of them attending Boreas' school to learn how to take care of their Iterator that will be certainly in some disadvantages compared to not-in-desert ones). despite being a Gen 3, she had her Mechanics and it wasn't just one at a time, but basically a whole friend groups or families. these groups often just kind of.. yoinked her into bein part of the family n she was like "hell yea!!!" each time

because of this closeness she wasn't afraid to ask for certain things. such as a change to her outfit

and then later her body too- the modification go from changing the shape of her feet to allowing her to actually unhook the puppet from the structure safely. the shell of the puppet was made more sturdy and without any large gaps, there was a speaker installed where her mouth should be and now she gets to wander Sabulum (her city) and interact with all of her citizens

she IS limited in that, though. her mind depends on the strength of her connection to the Aeolus Root signal and the puppet still requires to be internally cleaned and supplied with nutritions. she can last around 18 hours outside before having to book it back in and hook up

"aw well she seems like a happy Iterator! pretty free and all that, kind of mary sue," i hear someone cry- well here's the twist to all of this

just like her colony, she gets isolated from the other Iterators. and then One day when she's already comfortable in her life with her citizens (about 60 years of this life), she is forcefully shoved not Only into the Eo group, but ALSO into the ranks of the Leading Anemoi Iterators. it is time to pay up the debts, open the trade routes, be a proper Iterator. time to tear her out of this wonderful dreamy life

the Anemoi do not understand where this new iterator has come from, why is she in their private DMs- none of them have the presence of mind to realize that continuing talking about her as if she's some anomaly- mistake- could possibly hurt her. EXCEPT Notos.

"you are all being illogical. you are focusing on the wrong thing in this moment. please- newcomer. i welcome you into our ranks. query: what is your story."

aaaaaaaand also here's this

they don't gotta worry about the rain but o boy, gotta book it at the end of cycles from Electricity. the homes are well isolated

[dream-meister-translations]

DREAM MEISTER & THE RECOLLECTED BLACK FAIRY

ASAHI PAST STORY #1

━

My mother often told me that the day I was born was a bright and beautiful day. The morning sun shone down brightly over the town and the breeze was gentle and soothing. 

However, every day since has been nothing but war in our country. The great Kingdom of Kobai was constantly ambushed from neighboring countries and faced many cases of civil unrest as well. There was never a moment of peace like the day my mother spoke about. 

Born into a prestigious family, I was taught to wield a sword and defend our country at a very young age. 

ASAHI : Hah!

ASAHI'S FATHER : You're too weak! With such pitiful swordplay, you'll never protect your family or our country! 

ASAHI : Yes, Father. One more time. I'll do better!

ASAHI'S FATHER : Well, at least your determination is commendable!

My father, renowned for his achievements in war, provided me with strict guidance. But, I never resented him for it. With strength and pride he protected the Kobai Kingdom. He was my role model. Everything I aspired to be one day.

In order to catch up to him, I practiced every single hour of every single day. One day, while training my swordplay alone in the garden where the plum blossoms bloomed...

??? : You're getting better.

ASAHI : Mikage! When did you show up? I didn't notice you at all.

MIKAGE : Well, I was making sure not to be noticed.

A young boy around the same age as me was reclining lazily against a rock. Yawning. His name was Mikage. The son of a skilled female guard hired to protect my mother. He had been by my side since infancy.

My mother was in poor health and Mikage's mother not only served as her protector, but also took great care of me when my mother couldn't get out of bed. Mikage and I were practically raised as brothers.

MIKAGE : Tea will be served soon. That's what mother said. 

ASAHI : Did you come all this way just to tell me that? Hm. You're usually quite lazy and you disappear when it's time to do chores.

MIKAGE : When I stay with mother, she makes me do more chores. Watching you train while I nap is much less annoying.

ASAHI : Well, would you want to join me in training? Moving your body feels great!

MIKAGE : Nah. I'd rather not bother. 

ASAHI : Aw, come on~

MIKAGE : So, today's snack we're having with tea is sweet dried persimmons. I know you love sweet things, right? You better hurry back before someone else eats them all. 

ASAHI : Aren't you going to have tea too?

MIKAGE : Nah. I'm gonna take a nap. If I go back with you, they might ask me to help prepare the food.

With that, Mikage's eyes drifted shut and he instantly fell asleep. Snoring loudly. After all these years, he hadn't changed at all. 

I think I knew, even in my childhood, that there might be some complex circumstances behind his demeanor. But, if Mikage didn't want to talk about it, I didn't see the need to press matters. I simply enjoyed his personality and loved him as my lazy friend.

[femmefatalevibe]

Hello!

Hope you’re doing great today.

How do you become your best self- like operating in your full Potential? There’s a girl I know of who’s super popular on campus and she’s great: a model, may be doing pageants one day (I encouraged her), and is super smart. Recently on IG I saw she’s at Harvard Business school studying and she has a major in Political science.

I’m an English major - couldn’t attach myself to any legal studies because it wasn’t for me and I get insulted by family that I should be doing something other than English (they look down on the major).

So I find myself comparing myself to her because I am trying to do different clubs, and speak up and be all that I can be. But I’m not seeing anything changing for me.

I get over looked a lot, and it’s a new school for me (I’m a transfer student) so that’s added.

And I’m so lost.

I often looked down on my degree, I do believe I should be a speaker or go to galas and study things that holds influence. To be a woman of change but I don’t see that. I haven’t gotten any scholarships for holding events for clubs, nor do I get recognized.

I feel like I’m not doing enough and I feel inadequate in my abilities (I literally took a creative writing class with fifteen other poets for a special class and the Professor would constantly nit pick at my writing and say I have to revise - and the other students would be praised for their writing. And I actually thought I was a great poet til that happened. And he’s a poet himself, and well known so that hurt. And was embarrassing cause my peers weren’t helpful or encouraging either. They would just stare at me while he critiqued my work).

Not sure who I should be.

I’m not even good at the things I thought I was good at.

But when looking at my acquaintance- I see such great things going to happen for her in her future (all well deserved).

Hi love! You sound like you're doing great for someone in university, honestly. Most people, especially at that age, do not take the time or energy required to self-reflect and think critically about how they can improve/ thrive in their environment instead of blaming external circumstances for any obstacles they face. You sound very emotionally mature, which I'm sure will take you far. Having so much uncertainty and little support is so difficult, so know that your feelings are valid regarding why you feel uncertain and like you're losing time in this current moment.

While it is easier said than done, comparing yourself to others is a waste of the time and energy you can be spending on ideas, hobbies, and activities that make you happy/help you reach your goals. Please know that people putting you down for being an English major is very closed-minded. There are so many career paths you can pursue with an English degree (signed someone who almost did one, lol) – copywriting, PR, social media/content strategy & creation, UX & technical writing, broadcast journalism, reporter, editor, screenwriting, etc. Also, he is one poet – that is an opinion, not a general consensus. He might be a professional and have considerable skills under his belt, but that does not make his words gospel. Writing quality can be fairly subjective. However, the way he singled you out is awful – I would talk to an advisor about this unprofessional behavior.

The best things you can do in a situation like this are three-fold:

Focus on taking care of yourself. Block out what others, especially critics, think or say about any choices you're making that don't hurt anyone else. Try to establish some healthy routines (meals, walks, workouts, studying, skincare, reading, etc.) to feel more in control of your day-to-day life

Sit down and reflect on the activities that give you energy, what you're passionate about, and the goals that you would most like to achieve in the few years after university and the immediate ones while you're still on campus. For example, it sounds like you're interested in writing, public speaking, and fancy events. Find resources to get good at these skills and ways to get yourself in your desired work environment (internships, temp service work for special events, etc.) Maybe consider potential career paths like PR or speech writing. Consider creative outlets like making a podcast, TikTok, or Youtube videos.

Make it a priority to develop confidence in yourself and an unwavering sense of self-trust. I feel like an old lady saying this, but you're so young and have so much time to figure it out. Everyone has different histories, traumas, resources, and advantages/disadvantages in this life. Spending time ruminating over those of others and comparing notes is taking away the energy and creativity you need to pour into constructing your own life and identity.

Hope this helps xx

[leonawriter]

As fun as she can be, and as great as it is that we finally get a female detective who isn't a criminal or murderer, Sera has already been pulling some... kinda divisive things.

First, she tried to encourage a bomber into the kind of position where snipers would get at him, which Shinichi and Ran were both upset about (Ran's "I don't want to see someone die in front of me").

Now this, where she's already been told that these two used to be in something more like a rivalry, but they've been getting along better recently.

By wondering "who's better, east or west?" and pushing for them to have a deduction match of some sort that would have a winner, she's also (intentionally or not) risking their character development and could potentially send it careening all the way back to the start, or push a wedge between two people who'd become good friends.

I have to wonder why Gosho wrote her like this. Like... many of the things she's saying and doing are to go "hint hint nudge nudge I know things~" but there are ways and means to do that without causing damage.

Off the top of my head, without going further... I wonder if it's partly because she's spent - supposedly - so much time outside of Japan?

She's introduced herself as having spent time in the West (America/UK), and... for one thing, a (not completely untrue) stereotype is that Westerners, especially Americans, are louder and more disruptive.

Taking on from that, there's why we'd come across as disruptive specifically to the Japanese, which is that Japan is a culture of "community first," and that you aren't... supposed to emphasise the achievements of a single person too much. Oh, you won at the Olympics? "No, no, it's all down to the efforts of those around me, who helped me get to this point!" See?

Sera, here, is showing that in spite of her having a Japanese name and face, and speaking in fluent Japanese (I haven't seen anyone point out her accent, or lack thereof, so they likely took on board that she's not gaijin) she's taken on gaijin traits.

She's individualistic as opposed to encouraging the growth of the group and community. She's disruptive to the harmony of the status quo. I don't know if this is because she introduced herself as having come from America or not, but when the snipers were aiming, she encouraged the bomber into their sights (encouragement of use of a gun to ensure someone's death). She uses an actual murder crime scene in order to test a theory of hers, potentially perverting the course of justice if she hadn't known that someone (Shinichi) would come in and fix her mess.

This is something I'm going to be keeping an eye out for as I keep reading, and seeing if it eases up or if there are more instances of her actions and attitude playing into these stereotypes.

It's kind of... well. The way Gosho zig-zags between "look at the racism inherent in our beautiful country, and how good it is to not be like that and be kind instead" and "look at these gaijin (foreigners/outsiders) causing trouble because they don't know or care about our culture or our customs, isn't it awful. look at them being strange, and different from us."

In fact, the case they get involved with has "a big foreign man" declare the body of a dead man in the restroom stalls, and the entire time (partly to keep the suspense up of who it is) they don't refer to him by name. He's just... as shown below, "that foreigner." Regardless that we and the police in-story already know who it is.

Which is... less than ideal?

Then again, this is still only ch778, and I have over 300 chapters/13 years of content more until I'm current, some of which will be new to me.

[narutocharacterpolls]

ROUND THREE

UZUMAKI NARUTO vs KILLER B

Reasons for submission under the cut

Naruto

he runs on pure spite

he's just trying his best all the time

ray of sunshine

we wouldn’t have the story without him

he’s got his faults but he’s still one of [submitters] favourites

his true talent is in his irony: he wears bright orange, is loud, and likes direct confrontation; all things that should make him an awful ninja but he works hard and turns out to be a talented one anyway

he's determined; works real hard to achieve his dreams

he's entertaining and fiercely loyal to those he cares about although he does get a bit obsessive with Sasuke

entertaining to watch

good boy with good intentions even if he can be dumb af sometimes he's always trying to find the better option even for his enemies <3

sun coded boy who can also beat someones ass

Killer B

without him, none of the end game could have been possible. He trained Naruto to befriend his tailed beast and allowed him to upgrade his powers

he is personable and friendly to everyone, and is unapologetically himself while extending grace and forgiveness to others that have wronged him.

Killer B said Trans Rights in canon, no if ands or buts.

he is musically inclined and always working hard to improve his craft, even providing entertainment for the people around him just out of a passion for his art

incredibly powerful and skilled fighter; unique fighting style with those eight-swords that is just incredible to watch in action

put the fear of god into Sasuke and reminded him that he ain't good enough to be that complacent. Had Sasuke not had back up, Killer B would have ended the series

appreciates a good pair of titties, just like the rest of us

silly guy, very enjoyable

I like Sasuke but it was really funny watching him get beat up by Killer B

the 8 swords style is fun

Killer B and Gyuuki have a really great friendship!!

his rap song about everyone he beat with them dancing in the background

his personality is amazing and very nice

kept a positive look on life despite people disliking him for being a jinchuuriki

he achieved so much just through being a genuinely kind person and never giving up hope or losing his sense of humour about things

was the first jinchūriki to befriend a bijuu

him and Gyuuki's relationship is so funny

it's really cute how much every animal we see him interact with seems to love him

he has such good vibes, I can even forgive how bad some of his rapping is lmao

[submitter] thinks a bear hug from him could cure depression