#it’s just that the best male characters are the ones written by people who understand that masculinity can be fun

[oldmannapping]

Realised I have a type when it comes to fictional male characters, and it’s that they would absolutely wear this shirt.

I am a simple soul.

[littencloud9]

//

[singmyaubade]

Good Luck Babe

poly!marauders x nerd!female!reader

summary: after being a wallflower throughout your first five years at hogwarts, you always thought that you could be invisible. but when you hear the marauders talking cruelly about you and proceeding to ask for your forgiveness after, well good luck babe.

warnings: eventual smut! 18+ heavy angst, cursing, reader wants to kill the marauders , swearing, unprotected sex, praise, oral (male receiving), jealousy

a/n: oh hey... this is kinda based on those cliche 2000's movies where the girl is ugly but not really and she has that glow up or whatever. this was written so quick and not proofread, don't kill me. i hope you enjoy and as always, i apologize if you hate this!

STARTING off your sixth year at Hogwarts being an entirely new person wasn't something that you had planned or expected.

On the inside, you felt exactly the same, the same girl who was bold and could ferociously win a fight when it came to her character.

The same girl who was witty and sarcastic, surprising half of the people around you when you made a joke once in a lifetime.

But on the outside, you didn't have an awkward mis-shaped bob and you no longer wore baggy jackets that didn't do a thing for your figure.

And you didn't hide your face anymore, trying your best to be invisible.

It wasn't that you were shy or that you felt like a loser but you thought social hierarchy was bullshit and the only thing you wanted to focus on was your studies.

You may have been a brave Gryffindor on the inside but on the outside, you had to play the part of a shy mouse as corny as that sounds.

Unfortunately for you, invisibility only tends to last for so long until one moment, you are a nobody and then all eyes are upon you.

And maybe, just maybe, if you hadn't heard the Marauders discussing you the previous year, you would have stayed the same.

You had passed by the boys dormitory to give Remus his textbooks back as you always did when you let you borrow when you heard them speaking of the very person behind the door,

"I still have yet to understand why Lily and the rest of them act like she's some charity case," James huffed, "I mean, she's not some sick patient, they only feel the need to pity her because of how she looks."

You always knew that James had a foul mouth but to be speaking about someone like this, it was cruel.

Remus hissed, "That's not nice Prongs,"

"I'm not even saying it to be a dick!" James groaned, "I just mean, I pity her more for the fact that they don't even invite her to anything outside of breakfast and dinner," He explained, causing Remus to go silent.

Sirius chuckled, shaking his head. "That's absolutely horrid."

James reclined on his bed, a smirk playing on his lips. "I’m just saying, if I were Y/N, I’d be mortified."

Your eyes widened as they began to water, they were speaking about you.

Remus leaned against the wall, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. "Maybe she just doesn’t want to hang out with Lily and the others."

"Moony, seriously," James shot back, sitting up. "Where is Y/N right now, and where are the other girls?" His eyebrow cocked, trying to make his point as Remus silenced.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, a glint of mischief in his eyes. "Why don’t we investigate for ourselves?" He unfolded the Marauder's Map with a flourish. "Alright, we’ve got Lily, Dorcas, Mary, and Marlene all at Hogsmeade, but Y/N is..." His voice trailed off, eyes narrowing.

James leaned closer, annoyance creeping into his tone as he grabbed the map, "She's-" He stopped, the color fading from his face.

"Fucking spit it out!" Remus said next as he snatched the map finally and saw that the map had shown that you were right outside their door.

"Shit!" You heard Remus say as he started making his way to the door.

Hearing his footsteps approaching, you quickly moved away from the door, bolting for your room.

Once you made it back to your dorm, you had sinked the floor. You put your hand on your mouth, muffling yourself as you cried silently.

You honestly hated to even say it but you did consider Lily and the rest of them your friends. You had never really thought about how they didn't invite you to places.

And if you were being truthful, they had never asked you to have breakfast or dinner with them.

You had always just assumed that you could join but they never told you to leave or swooshed you off. Another part of you hated how stupid you were, trying to intrude on their private time.

You didn't want to let it get to you what a bunch of seventeen year old boys were saying but it did sting horribly.

But in a way, it also motivated you to be who you were on the inside. You already had the top marks in your entire year and your plan to work in the Ministry after Hogwarts had already been set.

And now your chance to be something at Hogwarts was right in front of you, an opportunity that you couldn't miss.

You had to do it for yourself.

The Marauders had no idea who you truly were or even cared to know. And although Remus was kind to you, you could always see that he never made any effort to be your friend.

Not that you expected him to but it only taught you that they truly thought you were some hopeless case.

And an assignment to make the Marauders bite their tongues was one that you couldn't bare to fail.

After hearing that, you decided to avoid the Marauders for the next month, especially with summer break approaching. To your surprise, you barely saw them outside of classes, never giving them a chance to reach out—even Remus.

And then that summer, everything changed. You let your hair grow past your shoulders, embracing your natural curls instead of straightening them. You started wearing clothes that were trendy and form-fitting, a huge contrast to your old style.

You discovered a newfound love for self-care, enjoying the process far more than you expected. Each day felt like a transformation, and by the end of summer, your mother couldn’t help but notice. “Finally listening to me about your style, huh?” she teased.

You only laughed as you embraced her,

If only she knew what had caused it in the first place.

As you said goodbye to your family, anticipation mingled with dread. You knew the train ride would be the least of your worries, but the welcome dinner and the ceremony ahead felt like they might just be hell reincarnate.

As you entered Hogwarts, you admired it as much as you did when you were a first year. The castle was something you considered a second home and everything about it was magical, there was no doubting that.

A crowd of students, including yourself, moved toward the Great Hall, and you settled into your usual seat at the Gryffindor table.

You spotted the Marauders and the usual group of girls approaching, and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. They took their usual spots in front of you, with the girls on one side and the boys on the other. James sat beside you, and Lily was directly in front of him.

You never quite understood why they arranged themselves like that, but it hardly mattered in the moment.

They were busy in conversation before James had noticed someone next to him, his eyes widening. You couldn't quite read his face but it seemed like a mix of confusion and flustered.

You stared at him back but he still had yet to mutter a word. You cleared your throat, "Uh hello," You practically whispered.

He snapped back into reality, "Oh sorry, hi," He muttered back.

Silence took over you both as James couldn't find the words of what to say to you.

On one hand, he wanted to call you beautiful, to tell you that you were one of the prettiest girls he’d ever seen. On the other, he just wanted to stare at you for a few more minutes like a creep.

Lily noticed his gaze and leaned in, smirking. "Excuse my friend; we’re still trying to figure out if he has a brain."

"I thought we solved that decades ago," Marlene chimed in, stifling a laugh.

Lily turned to you with a curious smile. "I don’t believe I’ve seen you before. What’s your name?"

Are you actually fucking kidding me?

You scoffed, "I'm Y/N,"

The entire group looked at you in awe, even the ones who weren't chimed in on the conversation.

"Y/N L/N?" Sirius asked, mouth gaping.

"Yep, that one," You snorted.

They all looked like they had seen a ghost, "You look different," Marlene said as Mary shoved her.

"She means in a good way!" Mary added.

"Uh thanks," You said, awkwardly.

They all continued to stare at you like you were an exhibit in a museum, their eyes scanning you up and down.

"Do you all mind not staring at me?" you asked, trying to break the tension. They all looked away, feigning innocence as they muttered apologies.

"How have you been?" Lily asked, clearly trying to ease the awkwardness.

"Fine," you replied, your tone clipped.

You caught the pained expressions on the Marauders' faces, realizing they were the reason for your dismissive attitude.

"That's great," Lily said, forcing a smile.

You felt a wave of frustration at the awkwardness surrouding you and decided it was time to escape. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom," you announced, heading toward the exit before they could respond.

As you walked away, you could already here the mutters and whispers emerging from the table, the fascinating topic being you.

You paced as you heard footsteps trailing behind you, but you ignored them, letting your gaze wander around the castle.

"Y/N!" someone called out, startling you.

You turned to see Sirius, James, and Remus hurrying after you. You only let out a snort before continuing your same way.

A hand suddenly reached around your forearm as you turned to see Remus. You quickly snatched your hand away, finally stopping to look at the group of boys who you despised.

Crossing your arms, you shot them a hostile look. "What?"

"We just wanna—"

"We're so—"

"Listen, we just—"

They all spoke at once, but you scoffed and turned back toward the bathroom, starting to walk away.

You were hoping that they would realize you wanted nothing to do with them but instead, it only made them want to chase you more.

They quickened their pace, and you spun around sharply. "For fuck's sake, what do you want?" you snapped.

James took a breath, his expression earnest. "I'm sorry for what I said. I've been thinking about it since you left. I was an awful twat, and you didn't deserve a thing of what I said."

You let out a sarcastic laugh, "Are you serious?" You asked as your expression changed to furious, "You basically called me a loser and said that Lily and the rest of them were only hanging out with me out of pity,"

James hissed as your statement, feeling the razor in your voice.

"-And now you all want to act as if I should just forgive you since I don't look the same anymore," You got closer to James's face, "Fuck off."

You turned your heel again and this time, the boys didn't follow you.

You finally entered the bathroom and shut the door behind you. Staring at your reflection in the mirror, you struggled to read the expression on your face. You were furious at the Marauders, and the idea of forgiving them felt impossible.

Yet, there was a flicker of gratitude that you felt for the change you’d undergone. You’d gained a new confidence that felt good, but the sting of their cruel words still lingered in your mind.

And you knew that you couldn't let it get to you but knowing they thought that of you, even Remus. It still did things to you that you would never admit out loud.

Snapping out of your thoughts, you realized it was almost time to head to the dormitory.

The rest of the night had flown by, with first years being introduced to their new home for the next six years while everyone else relaxed in the common room. Despite curfews, fifth years and above knew they could hang out longer—the curfew was mostly for the first years anyway.

"Caput Draconis," you muttered, and the Fat Lady nodded, granting you entrance.

Stepping into the common room, your heart sank as you spotted the last group you wanted to see. They noticed you just as quickly, encouraging you to pick up your pace toward the dorm.

"Hey, Y/N!" Dorcas called out, making you wince as you turned to see her waving.

The Marauders looked down, shame etched on their faces, avoiding your gaze as if you were Medusa.

You approached them slowly, dread settling in your stomach as they eyed you like a science project.

"We were just about to play a fun little game," Dorcas said enticingly, while Marlene snorted beside her.

"I don’t know if Spin the Bottle is a great idea for the first night back," Marlene added, taking a sip of her beer.

"A little peck never hurt anyone," Lily chimed in, clapping her hands together.

Of all people, you’d never expect Lily Evans to approve such a thing. This was the same girl who nearly fainted when she heard about Marlene and Dorcas kissing the previous year.

"I don’t know if this is the game for me," you replied, eyeing the group warily.

"Of course it is!" Lily insisted, but you raised an eyebrow. "Oh my gosh! Not like that, I just mean it's a fun game for us all to play," she quickly added, looking flustered.

Part of you wanted to say no and retreat to your bed, but that was the old you, and you knew it wouldn’t help. This was a new year, and you were determined to embrace new experiences.

Besides, you’d never participated in any scandalous games for all of the years you've been at Hogwarts—it felt like a crime in itself.

So, after a moment’s hesitation, you said, "Okay, sure." The girls erupted in cheers, while the Marauders exchanged worried glances.

What if you had to kiss one of them? Would you refuse and create a scene? Would you want to strangle them for even suggesting it?

The possibilities raced through their mind, but there was no turning back as everyone began to form a circle.

As you sat in the circle, a shiver of nervousness enveloped you. You had never kissed anyone before and the whole thought made you nervous within itself.

Don't get it wrong, you've had chances but they never seemed right and you certainly weren't kissing Matthew Trunchbull underneath the bleachers of the Quidditch field.

So when you got offered a shot of firewhiskey to cool your nerves by Marlene, you took it happily as it burned down your throat.

You brushed off all the negative thoughts entering your mind,

What really is the worst thing that could happen?

[beescake]

PLEASE PLEASE MEGADUMP THE ARASOL!!! PLEAAASEE MR BEESCAKE I AM ON MY KNEES BEGGING YOU

HFHGHD GLADLY aaa i’ve been adding notes to it here and there for months but just hesitant to post it bcs im 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂

also this is just my own takeaway of the events, it doesn’t necessarily comply to the Ultimate Truth of Canon-Alignment or represent the actual facts of what hussie intended! v sentimental smh but hopefully its still interesting to read

i love when characters inform each other by proximity, it's one of my fave things to see in media :') it feels even more significant when two characters deliberately choose to stick together, so that when one operates, you can tell the other is similarly aligned in associative solidarity.

sollux is a keystone of this trope — whoever he aligns with is a wordless statement, a nod of approval. this stood out to me bcs the main four humans were alr friends by default, but once you reach hivebent you realize the trolls can actively choose who they want to hang out with.

and as we all know, after assessing every troll's biases/loyalties, sollux is the only one who maintains his selective preference for innately Good 👍 people.

aradia is such a beautiful character honestly, she evokes such incredible feelings in me. she might not have been consistently written with care but the best parts of her character are truly stunning. i think it's easy to remember sollux as the self-sacrificing one bc he's so open about it (and his friends frequently react to his Moments) but when you compare him to aradia, it's always struck me

how much more. raw it is

to be so alone as an agent of time, having to orchestrate immeasurably harrowing events nobody understands or gives a fuck about

with your role painted in the story as one who must tend to the needs of the narrative, responsible to match every next note

because when you're given the capabilities, it becomes your duty to carry it out.

it becomes expected of you to keep experimenting and arranging the machinations to work for everyone, dusting off hundreds of necessary failures to keep going

and having to be so unwavering in your drive knowing miserably that there's no one who can help you but yourself.

or alternatively: to make things fun! so other people won't think twice about letting you go off on your own.

sure she's had some very good buds, notably thanks to Team Charge v Team Scourge antics.

and yet, at the end of the day, the one friend that kept choosing her time and time again was the friend with the highest standards.

i can see why people like to define arasol as moirails/matesprits but surprisingly i find the nondescript, unlabeled aspect of their relationship more straightforward to understand.

there's no shortage of people who would accommodate sollux. most of the surviving trolls are his oldest friends bcs he’d chosen them well. his transparency with his feelings had built him strong friendships that won’t falter or break, regardless of how much of a dick he can be. they’ve already seen and accepted him at his worst, and they still like him for who he is.

contrast that with aradia, who'd been so approachable, friendly and reliable in her exchanges it was super fun to talk to her. but the moment she became depressed, all her connections broke down.

her friends became hesitant to interact with her (until she became god tier, “happy” and amicable again) because her gloom and resignation didn’t serve them. she dealt with it alone.

there’s def something of note here abt the disparity between the way male & female characters are written+perceived in homestuck (esp parallel arasol with davejade) but i won’t go into that lmaoo

with this in mind i like to think of sollux as a gift to her, a loyal companion given to complement and commend her resolve. she's capable of doing so much alone but hussie took the time to build her and sollux's relationship as one of a unit; a set.

the ambiguity of their status does complicate things, but i do believe it makes sense with their characters. aradia's relationship with romance is a rocky one, the dubious stringalong equius had with her is a pointed reminder that her feelings of attraction are ultimately controlled by the author writing her.

unlike the other trolls who can openly address and own up to their crushes, aradia had romantic emotions forced upon her (especially when hussie implies 'she kissed equius back on her own volition'). and it seems like her character is so intrinsically neutral abt attraction that even when forced by the almighty powers above, she's unable to retain it wholly.

however, looking back to pre-game when she could actually "choose" her own feelings, she did have a crush on sollux.

their soft spots for each other were so obvious to the point where other people could see it.

taunting aside, when vriska comments on their unit as bf/gf it actually informs the audience that arasol's relationship is romantic in nature despite not aligning with the quadrant system.

even while dead, aradia could still describe her care for sollux, expressing that she would like to see him happy. if they had more time to explore their relationship on alternia, it's possible they could've settled in a quadrant once they grew older.

but going back to the lack of labels, their dynamic was affected once more when aradia became god tier.

to me, her ascension was both the perfect culmination and possible closure of her character. it's the light at the end of her journey toiling through countless of timelines where she had to actively assess and participate. that's why it's cool to see her being silly and having fun giving guidance, passively exploring and watching other people do their parts.

and yet the joy of her freedom makes it hard to explore further introspection. if we take her by her word, she'd already come to terms with the hurt she's been through and forgiven those involved.

i can't help feeling attuned to how impersonal and detached it can be, to devote and meld your identity so completely with your designated position as Maid of Time until you've become hard for your old friends (and even some readers!) to personally connect to.

idk post-canon but i assume there’s some degree of similarity to be bridged here with aradia's god tier and how the hs2 humans' Ultimate forms was described as a consolidation of all their possibilities. since aradia's classpect is inherently of service to Time, going god-tier may have elevated her beyond personhood with the "game construct" possessing her entirely. sollux doesn't realize the extent of it bcs he's still mortal, but a part of him may have subconsciously understood this.

i think there is a core aspect to aradia that was lost to the dehumanizing glory of god tier — a core aspect that may have contained an element of why sollux enjoyed talking to her in the first place.

to him, aradia hadn't just been a nice girl, she was a cool girl. despite not having much in common, he's still willing to chill next to her so she's not alone while she does what needs to get done.

back on alternia, they held a mutual and equal-level regard for each other that could've definitely settled into something permanent. but now, he's placed himself in a position where he can be kept around or left behind at will. the parameters of the relationship are largely in aradia's court, so any label she suggests to identify their relationship with he's likely to accept.

but that's why it's so difficult to label it. because god tier aradia may not necessarily Want quadrants or relationship labels. rather than the initial romantic attachment, their commitment to each other had evolved into one fundamentally of companionship.

no label? ok fine. no matter what, he still thinks she's a good soul worth latching on to. the best, actually. aradia > everyone else.

even if it gets stilted at times. there's an unexpected struggle to connect when sollux's go-to default for talking points is his feelings about things, and aradia may not want to talk about emotions all the time.

not to mention god tier aradia became an observer, especially of chaos. but sollux's avoidance of involvement comes partially from his innate pressure to get involved if something goes wrong. and he can't always tell when something goes wrong, because aradia doesn't mind if things go wrong anymore.

it's a non-negotiable preference that causes them to take the occasional time apart, a new boundary that wouldn't have existed before the game and aradia's god tier.

but just like how his friends tolerated his moods, sollux accepts aradia as she is. with no quadrants, their connection doesn't break down because there's no implicit romantic expectations to be disappointed by or resentful over.

sometimes when i see hs content that deliberately distances sollux from aradia, i assume this is the dissonance people might have felt. people might find it "easier" to be cynical about them bcs of this strange tension.

but idc lmao. grab that shit by the neck

lack of easy resolutions and cleanly tied ribbons is pretty standard of homestuck and imo it doesn't make arasol's dynamic any less incredible. with the right affection and consideration, there's still so much potential to develop the nuance of their relationship outside of the popular quadrant-based depictions.

hs has a lot of really great character compatibilities but the way aradia and sollux are in their own special orbit is why i can write this much about them in the first place. it's that frail innocence between first loves that makes it so sweet to me, two kids who grew up too fast playing guesswork without being clear where they're going.

ultimately i do think you're meant to feel a little tragedy for just how much they care for each other, even if they can't quite establish it in simple terms.

maybe they keep taking breaks to progress their own paths. maybe they remain as anchor partners while seeing other people. but even if you decide to separate them, they're still (awkwardly) texting each other updates all the while. and when they reunite it feels like coming home.

and well. more than anything, i like to believe that they do want to be exclusive.

they're just afraid. after all, they're still learning how to love, beyond the projections of the foursquare quadrant system they had inadvertently distanced themselves from since young.

they might not have everything figured out, but they'll get there eventually if you just hold them together and write them there.

optional post-canon segment:

one of the limitations of main hs is that (monogamous) relationships are often written as the go-to solution to wrap up character growth; it's an easy "patch" to imagine characters getting their happy ending because they have a partner, and those who don't end up with someone don't get that closure (most notably jade).

hs2 reaffirms this by suggesting that aradia's character cannot progress without letting sollux go, because happily settling in a relationship automatically locks your potential.

that pathetic panel of sollux staring emptily into the sky is still my fave hs2 spoiler ngl i find the impact of their parting so emotionally provoking precisely bcs they were written in original hs to be each other's forever, coming back together again and again

but now, they're subject to the decisions of the post-canon authors who might choose to deviate from that.

it's not new for them to part, but now there's an underlying worry that her dropping him off this time might be the last time. while i think the prospect of shattering their stability to make them grow separately sounds fun on paper, no amount of me desperately hoping for a good execution is gonna guarantee it

idk. i guess prediction-wise im expecting sollux in classic dramatic-hs2 fashion to tell dave to back off aradia LMAO. otherwise it's just gon be sollux and karkat pathetically watching aradia and dave from a distance swimming in their unresolved feelings for narratively-powerful time players smh obvs it sounds corny as hell but who knows its still plausible

srsly tho i hope they take the opportunity to develop arasol's relationship in a fresh direction that doesn't hurt me too badly...... and i hope they force sollux out of his comfort zone. i like watching him struggle :-)

[rewritingcanon]

What would you say are your more controversial opinions about the hp characters?

ohhhh okayyy. i feel like my opinions on a lot of the characters aren’t controversial because i dont feel super strongly towards anyone in any negative light but here are some i could think of at the top of my head:

i’m glad the malfoys faced more extreme backlash after the second wizarding war. a lot of people in the fandom seem to be very sympathetic towards draco and scorpius for getting dogpiled with the brunt of it (which yeah, it sucks, especially for scorpius) but the prejudice makes complete make sense to me. if i was someone who didn’t know scorpius’ character, and had someone from my family get killed in the second war due to death eaters or something— seeing the malfoys still be wealthy and walk around freely without any jailtime, i would be bitter too. they’re hated on but they’re still one of the richest families ever, so they’ll live LOL

another anon has asked about this and i haven’t responded to them yet but when i do i will link it here for my reasons. basically: the best character in the cursed child is harry potter. i think the way they wrote his character and ptsd carried the play. it was def his story, not albus’.

i do think dumbledore has some aspects of him that may be considered morally gray, but mostly i dont think he is. he does everything for the good of the world, and his complete selflessness leads him to sacrifice anything for it— even himself and the people he loves, when necessary. i completely understand why people wouldn’t agree with his methods though.

james potter isn’t a sunshine character he’s a dickhead. fans of him made him a golden retriever character to be more palatable for modern times. i like him the way he is: an asshole and then less of an asshole 👍 this is what true stanning looks like

pansy parkinson is racist and out of all the female side characters, developing HER is so questionable from fandom

harry had questionable descriptions about a lot of male characters to make people think he could be a little 🏳️‍🌈 there was bill, there was sirius, there was cedric. but draco is not a part of that list. harry was not feeling draco whatsoever throughout the series but drarry shippers cling to that one ‘obsessed’ line

furthermore, harry rejecting draco’s offer of friendship wasn’t a sad or a ‘what if’ scene. draco was being a classist piece of shit and harry didnt want to fuck with that, there isnt any way in any timeline he wouldve accepted draco’s friendship.

slytherin sucks just generally lol. people want so bad to pluck anti-heroes out of a series that was written specifically with the mind to make all the characters suck.

hermione and ron’s drama isn’t as toxic as people make it out to be. yes, this includes the time hermione sent birds after him. people act like its the end of the world but she was tackling puberty and the end of society soooo i give her a pass to tweak out.

mostly every harry potter character has horrific names. like literally mostly everyone. even the name harry potter 🙁

movie romione wasn’t that bad LOL

severus snape’s ‘redemption’ or whatever was so ass. he bullies kids for five years and then everything is chill because… true love? on harry’s mum? are you kidding me 💀

weasley family angst goes hard but people (especially percy stans and some ron&ginny stans) acting like they’re the most toxic family to walk the earth make me want to rip my hair out and eat it. molly loves her kids guys shes not evil. jesus.

genuinely trying to think of more but i can’t right now…. maybe i will reblog and add to it. i feel like most of my opinions aren’t that controversial though 😭

[thirrith]

A guide to Dream of the Red Chamber for English speakers

I've been posting about a book called Dream of the Red Chamber for a while. I'm kinda obsessed with it but the tags here on tumblr are pretty much barren. I want to get more people to be interested in it, so here's something more informative with minimal screaming.

Dream of the Red Chamber (紅樓夢) is a 18th century Chinese novel by Cao Xueqin. It isn't very well-known outside of the Sinophone aka the Chinese-speaking world, whereas where I come from it's considered a masterpiece and classic and is so well-known and holds so much cultural significance even the people who haven't necessarily read the book make references to it - like, basically everybody knows about the book. It certainly deserves to be known and loved by more people - that's why I'm making a post about it. This post is NOT going to be an attempt to cover everything, though, because there is just so, so much to the book; instead, I am creating a guide to make it easier for people to get started if they are interested.

What is Dream of the Red Chamber about? Why do people love it?

The best way to sum it up is calling it a family saga mixed with a bit of fantasy. It tells the story of the rise and fall of a big and powerful family, focusing on the story of the young girls, the maid servants, and the wives that all live together and run the household. The only male main character Jia Baoyu is a young heir of the family, who grew up among these women and girls. He loves and understands them, loves being surrounded by them, and deeply identifies with them. My dad, who is also a fan of the book, loves saying that Baoyu 'has the heart of a maiden'.

The book is funny and full of drama, and at the same time it's also poetic, tragic and profound, and the tragedy of the characters is written in such a kind way, as if the author wants you to love them and remember how wonderful and alive they are despite the fact that a gloomy fate will claim them all.

The book is also so queer in a way that no other Ming/Qing dynasty Chinese novels can compare. Obviously there are no modern queer labels because it was written in imperial China, but there are characters who are interested in both men and women, characters who are interested in no one, and affairs between boys and between girls; many main characters have the kind of relationships with their gender that make my Chinese transgender heart sing with empathy.

If you want to hear from English speakers who fell in love with the book and learn more about the context and literary/cultural value of the book, I recommend starting with 'Why is China’s greatest novel virtually unknown in the west?' by Michael Wood on The Guardian and 'Why you should read China’s vast, 18th century novel, Dream of the Red Chamber' by Josh Stenberg on The Conversation.

Dream of the Red Chamber is a long novel with many different versions and possibly hundreds of adaptations. How should I begin?

There are two translations that I know have received good reviews:

A Dream of Red Mansions translated by Yang Hsien-yi and Gladys Yang. My partner is reading this version. It's a very faithful translation with footnotes to make up for the language and cultural barriers. (Note: the Yangs finished their translation in prison in China during the Cultural Revolution.)

The Story of the Stone translated by David Hawkes and John Minford. It's a translation that takes more artistic liberties than the Yangs version. For example it differs in the way it translates character names and its writing style. Hawkes wanted to recreate the experience of reading the novel in Chinese for English speaking readers, but it may also be harder for you to talk to those who read the book in Chinese about certain characters and details.

There is also a public domain translation by H. Bencraft Joly, which was first published in the 19th century, and you can find it on Project Gutenberg.

The 1987 36-episode TV adaptation Dream of the Red Chamber is well-loved and considered by many Chinese people to be the best adaptation of the book. Every later adaptation would be compared with the 1987 one and found lacking. I personally love this adaptation a lot, and I think out of all the adaptations I've seen (including TV series, films and Chinese opera) it has the best interpretations of the book and the characters. It also has the best songs, which were adapted from the poems in the book. You can stream the series with English subtitles on the Internet Archive.

If you want something shorter that covers the main romance plot line and includes a few iconic scenes from the book, I recommend the 1977 film adaptation The Dream of the Red Chamber casting legendary actress Brigitte Lin as Jia Baoyu (she also portrayed an iconic classic wuxia character as a trans woman in another film franchise, but I digress). You can find the film with English subtitles on Youtube.

This is not all, but it's a good start. If you ever decide to give it a go, it doesn't matter if you watch one of the adaptations first or read the book first. Don't stress, take your time, and enjoy the ride!

[arashi-no-saxlphone]

Screaming along to Requiem this morning and it made me think of the "people like Sol but not I-No" thing again and I just wanna say I know there's issues with how GG handles their women sometimes but like... the GG women are REALLY fucking cool and good. I-No is one of the most incredible narrative foils in fiction to me to both Axl and Sol in different ways. You have Sol Badguy, doomed savior, and I-No, who though we weren't totally aware of it at the start of her character story, has also been put into the same role. The two are at odds because of the future I-No has been cursed to know about and burdened with the idea that she can change said future, and she and Axl are two sides of the same coin in that I-No is stuck in a cycle of chasing a future she cannot change while Axl is stuck in a cycle of chasing a past he cannot return to. And she plays those roles EXTREMELY well. She's written to be a tragic character, doomed by the narrative, because she only has half of what she needs to get what she wants. And she's a Magical Foci - not human - and yet there's deeply human qualities about her that she can't fully embrace because of what she is and the circumstance she's trapped in. I-No willing throws away what little of her humanity is left because she's lost and tired and the crushing weight of all of humanity's hopes being placed into her is so much to bear that she becomes numb - that is a completely understandable reaction that I think anyone can relate to: the exhaustion of existence becoming so great that you just want to give in. She is a foil to Sol, who despite the loss of his humanity refuses to let it go, and chases it to the end, and because of that he's able to save the world (again) at the end of strive. I-No's existence and role in the story is just the other side of Sol Badguy's- it's crazy to me to like one and not the other; their value and narrative weight is identical in my eyes.

Millia and Jack-O both have incredible things to say about the value of one's identity and sense of self. Baiken is a killer example of the gruff revenge-seeking broken person archetype (a role stereotypically fulfilled by male characters) finding acceptance and managing to heal. Bridget tells an exceptional coming-out story (one of the best arcade modes in the game imo the conversation she has with Ky at the end about his fear of going public about his family still gets me). Ramlethal and Elphelt's journey to independence and understanding themselves as more than weapons or puppets. These are characters with incredible narrative weight and substance. It's the essence of Guilty Gear to me.

I don't know, I just thought about this for too long cause of Requiem and thinking about I-No today so sorry for the incoherent dump here.

[izzyhandslightofmylife]

Official statement on why Izzy's death affected me so much

Our Flag Means Death, is, at it’s core, is a show that focuses on queer joy- a form of therapy for those that have been raised on queerbaiting, shipping minor side characters, or watching, when nothing else is available, queer tragedies. You know how it goes- the two main characters, both male, have chemistry. They say things to each other that seem weirdly like declarations of love. They look at each other with love in their eyes. You see these things and the main man gets married off to a badly written, unfinished female character and is left feeling empty. The best friend dies for the main character to live. When everyone talks about how cute the main couple are, you want to scream all of a sudden, because nobody can see this love story play out except you. It’s queer, it’s tragic, and nobody else can understand it. 

Not Our Flag Means Death. From the moment it aired, it was praised as a show with unabashed queer joy, which means more than I can possibly say. The two main male characters meet, they have chemistry, and they fall in love. It’s not implied, or hinted at, but blatantly obvious. Their romances and the queer romances around them attracted so many queer fans who felt that after so many years, this type of show was a vindication for what they had been through with other media. 

In this show, piracy itself was that of a found family. Though Stede Bonnet and the crew of the Revenge start off with many differences, the core of the show centers around a theme that many queer audiences are attracted to: found family. The Revenge was depicted as a safe space, where everyone could express themselves freely, a refuge from a world of judgment. Queerness was not only accepted but normalized on The Revenge. No homophobia, no coming out, no typical complications of queer romance. Just love and safety. Warmth, which was Ed Teach wished for in purgatory. Which was what he found on the Revenge. The ship was a safe space that so many queer audiences had dreamed of. 

Well, a safe space except for one person: Izzy Hands, Blackbeard’s First Mate, who was a man painfully stuck in the wrong genre. This is the general consensus by both fans and the cast: Izzy, Edward and their crew had been in a gritty action movie, whereas Stede and his crew were in a muppet movie of sorts. While the majority of Blackbeard’s crew quickly acclimates to and celebrates the change, Izzy doesn’t. 

And right away, many fans felt a deep attraction to Izzy. The reason that Izzy couldn’t get Edward to love him was because, in the end, the only way that Izzy knew how to love was through blood. To give and receive pain in an action movie is one of the greatest forms of love, but Izzy fails to realize that Ed is not in an action movie anymore. He is happy with this stability, and the reason that so many people felt Izzy’s presence so was strongly was that he wasn’t. 

So many queer people are, in a way, addicted to tragedy. Tragedy is all that is represented in queer media for the most part, or was until very recently. Take Achilles and Patroclus, one of the most celebrated and recognized queer love stories of both ancient and modern times. Why that one? There are other greek love stories, many of them queer. The tragedy of it- Patroclus’ death and Achilles’ rage- made it all the more appealing. Many in the audience of Our Flag Means Death were not comedy fans, they were horror or drama fans, attracted to a comedy because of the love story. But Izzy, to them, was a physical representation of who they were, carrying an awareness of homophobia, of blood and pain that so many queer relationships had previously been illustrated by (i.e. Hannibal). Though Ed may not have understand this type of affection, the audience did- Izzy’s Otherness from the crew despite it’s safety, his expressions of love and his unrequited love story were all things that the audience were familiar with feeling. 

If Ed and Stede were good queer representation, Ed and Izzy, for example, were a foil of that. They were evil, messed up, and fed into the worst parts of each other because it brought them closer. This is a theme present in a lot of queer media, and by extension, queer lives: “if you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand”, is an excerpt classic queer poem about unrequited love that fits the situation. The very reason Izzy stuck in people’s heads because he was of a different genre. His grittiness and bitterness made sense to the audience. They saw Izzy and saw what was familiar. He was exquisitely written, simultaneously making even casual audiences both hate him, and against all odds, find him oddly endearing. The idea of this man sacrificing every inch of himself for an unrequited love was a concept of tragedy, leaking into a comedic show. 

So fans projected onto Izzy. He was a catalyst for the heartache, for the audience’s sheer inability to have a happy show. For one reason or another, some of the audience simply couldn’t live with a show that was all fantastical, which I theorize is because they couldn’t see themselves in it. So Izzy became the epitome of queer suffering: pining longingly after another man that couldn’t understand him. This projection of suffering, however, led to a new wish: happiness for Izzy. If Izzy in Season 1 was a tragedy, assimilating him into the found family in Season 2 would have elevated the safe sense of the ship all the more. It would have proved to so many of these Izzy Fans that yes, even though you view yourself as unloveable, even though you see yourself as Israel Hands, Villain, even he can be loved too. Why can’t you be? 

And Season 2, for the most part, delivered beyond our wildest dreams. Izzy had people who cared about him. And though the genre shifted into the darker, Izzy himself shifted slightly to the comedic side as well. His life, which had been centered for so long around a man that didn’t reciprocate his feelings, was gone. He started a new life, and this life, again, focused on queer joy. The queer joy from Season 1 was suddenly for everyone, even those like Izzy that couldn’t have understood it. He sang, he whittled, he talked about feelings, he dressed in drag. Many elder queer fans also saw Izzy as another metaphor, too: that queer joy can be attained overtime. You don’t have to have had it the whole time, but you can accept yourself even when you are older. The message of Izzy was one of resilience and stubbornness, one that the queer community needed to hear: that you don’t have to be like this, you don’t have to create pain for yourself. You don’t need to watch tragedies all the time. You, too, can heal from the past.

And then, the season finale happened. By this point, many argued that Izzy had stolen the show. Con O’Neil’s acting mixed with his general arc of self acceptance had made him a fan favorite. In the last episode, it is Izzy himself who sums it up perfectly, accepting that he belongs somewhere despite his pain and flaws. Despite the darkness within him, he was still accepted and loved. He says it right to the face of Prince Ricky, who thinks himself above it all. That piracy, a metaphor for otherness, wasn’t actually about being alone; it was about finding others that understood you when nobody else could. 

Listen, this show is known for it’s nonsensicality. In the finale of Season 1, Lucius is thrown overboard by Ed and survives by simply swimming to another ship. Stede reunites with his crew by sailing a rowboat. Buttons turns into a seagull. Stede stabs Ed for a comedic bit. Earlier in the season, Izzy himself gets shot and survives. This queer joy show was celebrated for being, well, joyful. Even when things like getting thrown overboard did happen, they were, ultimately, a blip in the character’s journey towards acceptance, healing, etc, which was what made the show unique. Our Flag Means Death, whose audience had been living for years off of the “Bury your gays” trope, was adored because it illustrated a world where things didn’t have to be that way. A place where the impossible, such as Izzy Hands being loved, could happen. This show was one of survival. 

But not for the one person that was seen to struggle with this concept the most. Not for the one person that was a metaphor for belonging in this place, who became, over the course of a season, the embodiment of the message itself. Not for the Unicorn, the very symbol of this magical, nonsensical ship. Not for the most stubborn, most indestructible, most enduring (queer) person in the show. Not for Izzy Hands. 

This trope, honestly, was one that many have seen before, both in mainstream and queer media. A character, previously shown to be a villain or else to have gone through a lot of pain, is shown to heal, to get better, and then to die in order to “complete their arc”. This trope is common: Loki, Cas. even Ted Lasso, who doesn’t die but goes back to the very place that broke him in the first place. But the reason that Izzy’s death, while it might have been expected in another show, felt like a betrayal in this one is because it was known for subverting those tropes. From the “Bury Your Gays” to the “Up For Interpretation”, it was known to look those tropes in the eyes and say “fuck you, these people deserve to be happy”. And this did happen! Except for the one character who’s healing journey was one of the most relatable, at least to queer audiences. 

What also made it so jarring was that all the other characters got to be happy, except for the one that had struggled with the idea of happiness the most. In the scene immediately after Izzy is buried, Lucius and Pete get married. In the scene after, a montage of queer joy and found family is shown amongst the whole crew. In the final scene, Ed and Stede, our main queer couple, are shown healing themselves and starting a new life together. The last shot, however, showed Izzy’s grave, visited by Buttons the seagull while Ed and Stede had dinner. A tragedy in it’s finest. It wouldn’t have been difficult for Izzy to live. Because, in the end, his death meant nothing. His healing meant nothing. He died and was moved on from in a matter of seconds. He was, as I mentioned, the catalyst for tragedy, more specifically, queer tragedy. But because of this, of his genre, Izzy didn’t get to live. He had to die in order for the rest of the characters to keep living in this fantasy world. This death was, in a way, a preservation of these other love stories.

I maintain, however, that it would have meant more if Izzy had lived. If he had been  able to show to us that yes, despite what you have been through, despite what you may have inflicted upon yourself, you can switch genres. It’s possible. Izzy’s survival up until that point had been a profound testament to many that it is possible to heal, that queerness does not have to mean sadness. It would have continued to be a testament to that if only Izzy had lived. And so, this pirate that we latched onto, not in spite of his darkness but because of it, was buried on land on the side of the road. 

As a side note, many previous incidences in the story point to the idea even though Ed and Stede will definitely stay together, it’s uncertain if the inn would have worked out. It’s likely that, being a whim, those two might have chosen to move, or go back to the sea, or sail to China. If this is true, they would have left Izzy’s grave by itself, like a family pet buried in the yard. If this is true, Izzy Hands, a metaphor for belonging, would rot alone. 

Long live the tragedy addicts. Long live the Richard Siken poems. Long live Izzy Hands. 

*When I talk about the "fandom" I am referring to the canyon.

[willnaib]

i keep seeing posts about how mithrun is some kind of yaoi bait and while i definitely understand how that could be true i feel like it's a disservice to mithrun (and to his relationship with kabru, and ryoko kui's writing, etc) to narrow his character down to that. like yes, he is an androgynous, small, pale, boyish male character with significant trauma and a caretaker relationship with another (brown, heroic, taller) man. but this is not "written as fandom bait" this is a severely depressed and disabled man who is written with a shocking amount of respect and subtlety, and kabru is not written exclusively as his caretaker who gets him to open up (if we're going to be technical about it, senshi is the one who actually "fixes" him at the end — loosely phrased because that's not what happens, but for the sake of the trope fill wherein the relationship/the presence of the other man fixes the trauma). mithrun's trauma is actually incredibly well-written, which isn't surprising since dungeon meshi handles its subject matter very well overall, but with how people discuss it in terms of prompt fills and trope checklists, i'm worried that there's going to be this intentional misinterpretation of the text where kabru is mithrun's caretaker in a more literal sense than the actual intention and desire to help out of his own good will (i.e. kabru is treated solely as "mithrun babysitter" as opposed to their actual canon mutual respect.) which is crazy because it is written well and i could write a whole lot about how mithrun's writing is one of if not the best examples i've seen of a well-written s/a victim/metaphor. it's just like. why are people who have read the manga and enjoyed it intentionally boiling a Good Character down to yaoi when they don't... want to.

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

since i've talked a lot about how i dislike Catra, here are some of the other fictional characters that i dislike:

(warning: long post ahead, also spoilers for steven universe, the dragon prince, ocean waves, the legend of korra, and kipo and the age of wonderbeasts)

1. Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe)

i think this one is pretty obvious. there were a bunch of characters in SU who were let off the hook after doing terrible things, but Lapis is the one i disliked the most.

she started off as an interesting character, her trauma after getting caught in a war and stuck in a mirror for ages was sympathetic and pretty well-written but like Catra, i think the writers coddled Lapis too much.

this is evident with her relationship with Peridot, where she starts off blaming Peridot for something that wasn't her fault and destroying her prized possession when she tries to make amends. but Lapis expresses concern for Peridot ONCE and now they're besties.

and after that, Lapis becomes toxic and demanding, causing Peridot to constantly walk on eggshells around Lapis so as not to hurt her feelings. and finally, Lapis just takes the barn, Peridot's HOME, off into space because she couldn't agree with Peridot's decision to stay and fight the Diamonds?? i'm not mad that Lapis didn't want to fight the Diamonds, i fully understand her trauma, but did she have to take the barn with her? what part of that was necessary??

i think all of this would have been fine if Lapis was held accountable for her actions, but she wasn't. she doesn't even do the bare minimum and Peridot immediately forgives her. sigh. at least they didn't make Lapidot canon.

2. King Harrow (The Dragon Prince)

i don't hate this character as much as I hate some of the others on the list but i do think that he was kind of a shitty king. he literally decides to starve his own kingdom in order to help out another kingdom. and this is framed as the right thing to do?

it's a tough choice but Harrow's people were depending on him, and he decides that his own people should sacrifice their winter rations for another kingdom. scummy move, i do not like him. Viren may have been self-serving and manipulative, but he was right to try and stop Harrow from doing this.

3. Rikako Muto (Ocean Waves)

god, i fucking hate this bitch. worst ghibli movie ever honestly. the thing is, like Catra and many of the other characters here, Rikako would have been an interesting character if the writers just made her an antagonist.

but no, she's supposed to be the love interest while being a selfish and manipulative brat. she is rude to everyone unless she wants a favor from them. she uses people to her advantage and screams at them when they try to resist. Rikako is the most interesting character in this movie, which sucks because she is also the most insufferable character.

the singular most hilarious scene in this movie has to be when Taku is fondly reminiscing about the interactions he had with Rikako, and since she was nothing but a little bitch throughout the entire movie, we get a super emotional flashback, accompanied by a soft score, of all the times she was manipulating and verbally abusing him. would have been funnier if it was not unironic. i do not know what the creators were thinking.

there was no chemistry between these two characters, their relationship was unhealthy as fuck, but they still get together by the end because.. amatonormativity. and because Taku had too much chemistry with his male best friend and they didn't want the viewers to think that he might be queer.

4. Bolin (The Legend of Korra)

it's crazy how everyone and their mothers hate Mako for cheating on Korra and Asami, but absolutely adore Bolin who sexually harassed his coworker. Bolin forced a kiss on Ginger while she was tied down on set, after she had already rejected him multiple times and said that she was her doing her job.

i see so many people saying that Bolin was a green flag and a better choice than Mako, and i seriously wonder if we watched the same show. i don't condone cheating either obviously but how do you call out cheating but completely gloss over sexual harrasment? Bolin legit acts like a manchild who doesn't understand consent and because the show frames this as "comedy", the audience thinks it's cute and funny.

at least Mako faced the consequences of his actions. he got dumped by both Korra and Asami, some of the other characters called him out on his actions, and he actually turns into a much better person by the end of the series.

oh, don't forget that Bolin started working for the literal fascist in s4. and he acts all dumb about it and argues that Kuvira was like Korra which,, what the fuck? he literally sees Kuvira torturing people and it still takes him a long time to stop working for her. he was a bit like Entrapta in that case, the writers made him too oblivious and stupid in order to justify him aiding a fascist.

5. Kipo (Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts)

okay, so Kipo is a little different from the other characters mentioned here because she's not problematic by any means. quite the opposite actually, her main personality trait seems to be that she's kind to everyone.

and that's fine, it's on par for most kids show protagonists, but Kipo is such a deeply unflawed character that she just becomes so boring. she has no character growth throughout the series, except for developing her fighting skills as her wildcat form. and even that comes easy to her, she masters it in one episode. her "flaws" are very surface level, like being clumsy or kinda awkward.

she is unbothered by almost everything, which is the most baffling in that episode where she discovers that she was the result of a science experiment done by her parents. you would expect some sort of mixed emotions there - confusion, hesitation, resentment even? nope. she's just excited and happy that her parents put her life at risk by experimenting on her.

and the show insists on reminding us every five seconds that "hey! Kipo is a GOOD person, she's the KINDEST human being ever and the ONLY person who doesn't love her is the EVIL VILLAIN". shit like this just turns me off so much. just SHOW me how nice Kipo is, instead of making every character gush about her niceness. SHOW, don't tell, for god's sake. besides, even if a person is kind and wholesome, it's unrealistic for EVERYONE to like them.

and the funny thing is that this show has other interesting characters! Wolf, for example, was a really complex and flawed character who is still fundamentally a good person. Hugo was a sympathetic villain who got a pretty decent redemption arc. so it's not like the writers didn't know how to write interesting characters, they just wanted to make their protagonist a Mary Sue.

[synergysilhouette]

Things I'd want for an an "Ever After High" reboot

As much love as "Monster High" has gotten--and as much attention as it's gotten, thanks to 2 reboots--I think it's time for a reboot of Ever After High, for the lore/show if nothing else (and yes, I know it was all for the dolls). And note: I say "reboot" instead of "revival" because the show had a gaping flaw with it, and I'll include it in one of the things I'd like to see in a Gen 2 of EAH:

More nuance--The BIGGEST issue with the show was how biased it was when it was trying to see itself as a complex story. The Royals were written as selfish, hypocritical, and vain when discussing the future and their legacies, and it made being a Royal unlikable, which was probably done by the writers to make us sympathize with the Rebels more, not to mention the fact that Raven was always kind and level-headed, making Apple come off much more disingenuous. It wasn't even a "the Rebels are slightly more right"; the Rebels were written as 100% right and the Royals weren't "good" people until they came around to the way the Royals thought. I'd enjoy them embracing the Royals' positive side (which have been shown when not involving the RvR debate), as well as highlighting the fact that following tradition isn't always a bad thing, and that those who followed their destiny didn't have to follow it to the letter, but were allowed to make changes here and there (ie Apple marrying a prince; it didn't have to be Daring). As such, destinies are vague, giving you a beginning and end while omitting the in-between parts. And given this change to what is considered a Royal, there are no in-between groups like Roybels.

2. Don't forget the guys--Part of what made EAH an engaging "girly" show for me was the fact that they still had significant male characters (usually it's like a 10-1 ratio; here it feels like 5-1), all of whom have unique designs and appearances. I'm pretty sure this wouldn't be an issue, but I still wanna point it out.

3. Headmaster Grimm is more altruistic and wise--I swear, "Wish" has ruined me forever. I'm on a Magnifico kick. Headmaster Grimm, while still lying to the students and kinda misleading them, doesn't do so just because of the flimsy "This is how things are done"; he's more of a lawful neutral/true neutral character, where he understood after years of seeing people try to change their destinies it either comes true anyway or ends up getting their own Happily Ever After, but it does more damage than good for everyone else. As such, he understands the fact that good cannot exist without evil, and vice-versa, explaining his own motivations for manipulating events at EAH, with the proposed destinies being what he believes to be the best-possible scenarios. (Plus the evil headmaster at school is so cliche to me at this point. It feels very juvenile.)

4. More lore in the show--Albeit, less confusing. I don't remember the show exactly, and I didn't get into the novelizations, but I do recall that the books fleshed out the Legacy Day ceremony a bit more, citing that the current students at EAH were descendants (rather than children) of fairy tale characters, and embracing your destiny was something done for generations--with one disturbing detail being that Ashlynn's mother would eventually die and her father would marry one of her stepsisters, making the new stepmother's daughters Ashlynn's new stepsisters who would make her enslaved. AND EVERYONE KNEW THIS. This circles back to #1 about making being a Royal less terrible. Put emphasis on following your destiny and the history of the world, but I'd prefer to avoid the "we do this every generation" thing; the characters are still descendants of fairy tale characters, but it hasn't been a wash, dry, repeat cycle; it only happens when the descendants' circumstances start to match up precisely with their ancestor's, and it's believing that by following their destiny, they preserve the balance of good and evil. Not to mention, most of the other students don't get to accept or deny their destiny; they're just regular people in that respect, while the special descendants (let's say that Maddie, Raven, and Apple are only a small handful of people who have Legacy Day this school year) get to see what their futures hold. Not to mention it'd be fun to see more of the characters' lives outside of the school, ie Briar's relationship with her younger brothers and the fact that her mom is always tired and her dad (who needs a name; can we avoid nameless characters here?) is always slaying monsters.

5. More emphasis on fairy godparents (and magical characters in general)--I'll always question why Cupid coming to EAH didn't reinvent her as a fairy godmother or something similar. In any case, I like the idea of fairy godparents and their children being one the only major characters in fairy tales who's destiny was flexible and no one had any qualms about it; they were above good or evil (though they typically chose good), and had a business where people would pay for their services, powered by their wish and conviction. Grimm being a fairy godfather would also make sense for his grey mentality in the series. Plus I feel like we don't have enough magical characters, with Cerise, Farrah, and Raven being the few that come to mind.

6. It's not just about Raven--Something I liked about "Monster High" was that while Frankie started off as the main character (before she sadly became underrated), many other characters got the spotlight outside of her. Given that the EAH webseries was story-driven, they gave Raven the spotlight. But I'd like to focus on other characters who may be dealing wit the consequences of following/rejecting their destiny, as well as more people fighting with their "inborn" morality issues, similar to Raven fighting her evil urges.

[angellesword]

It's Not Living (If It's Not With You) | JJK (PART 2)

At thirty-two, you thought you had your life figured out. That is until you received a call one day:

"You need to go to Gangwon Police Station now. There are two people here: One thirty-something male claiming to be your husband, and the other is a three-year-old girl claiming to be your daughter. They say they won't leave unless you, the mom of the family, pick them up."

Or alternatively,

a series of events where you fall in love with Jungkook, become a mom, solve your dead best friend's case, and wriggle out of old money's grasp, but not necessarily in this order. (Maybe all at once. Who knows?)

Genre and warnings: enemies to lovers, idiots in love, mutual pining, OMG there is only one bed, forced proximity, cohabitating, enemies to friends to lovers, co-parenting, angst, fluff, implied smut, kissing, minor character death, slight getting back together, car accidents, law, this fic is originally written as an AOT au, but i've changed it to a JJK one, so please pardon any Japanese terms mentioned (they're not too relevant anyway) some of the characters are from aot too. i'm too lazy to change them haha

Pairing: Police Lieutenant! Jungkook x Lawyer!!Reader

PART 1 HERE

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

You thought kissing Jungkook felt like coming home. Unfortunately, you never had one.If you did, it was only temporary, and the house was not yours.

You were just leasing it.

After the trip, you and Jungkook did not dare talk about what happened in the mountain. You ignored his attempt at a dialogue and made an excuse that you were busy with work.

Younger Jungkook would have exploded, but he was from that or even from the Jungkook you knew last month. He grew to be more understanding and less provoking.

Admittedly, he felt guilty for kissing you. Because as much as he painfullycraved it, he couldn't say the same thing for you.

If you liked it, then why were you hiding from him? Why were you going back and forth to Busan and Seoul these days?

Why were you...leaving him again?

"Where are you going?" Jungkook's eyes twitched when he saw you carrying a big bag. It had been two weeks since the family trip ended. He knew it was unfair of him to demand you move onif you truly hated it, but seeing you go as far as leaving him and Hanni behind made him feel dejected.

"Just out." You replied curtly, not bothering to look at him while you put on your sneakers. Jungkook's first instinct was to go near you and help you tie your shoelace. You were already this old, yet you still couldn't wear your shoes properly.

"Will you be back soon?" Jungkook stayed rooted in his spot; his puppy eyes went unnoticed by you.

"Not sure yet. You'll pick up Hanni from the daycare, right? Then, I'll leave everything to you. Bye." You were out of the door before Jungkook could reply to you. You did not lie to him this time. You were unsure as to what time you'd be back.

You were going to the Jeon's residence today. Jungkook's mother had been cajoling you to visit her. She said it would be better if you went alone since bringing Jungkook with you would just ruin her mood. Jungkook never gave his mother a breather. He always dissuaded her from eating the food she liked and moving around the house a lot. He said she should sit prettily on the couch and not worry about anything. How was that even possible? Jungkook's mother disliked being idle, so she told you to bring a big bag as she intended to pick some produce with you in her garden.

The drive to Jeon's residence took fifteen minutes. You deliberated going to your family's house first, but you remembered no one lived there anymore. Your parents had long since migrated abroad.

Besides, you'd rather deal with a bubbly lady than your easily irritated mother. Mrs. Jeon welcomed you happily.

"Daughter-in-law!" The old woman excitedly raised her arms to embrace you. You flashed a smile at Mrs. Jeon, crouching down so you could hug her.

Mrs. Jeon was in a wheelchair. She had a hard time walking after her leg surgery years ago. This was why Jungkook still lived with his mother despite being in his early thirties. He was simply being a filial son. He didn't trust his father to be responsible enough to care for his sickly mother.

But things changed when Sora died. Mrs. Jeon convinced Jungkook to move in with you. She said she could handle herself and even agreed to have a caregiver look after her. Mrs. Jeon liked you since you were a child. She said you were the only one who could keep Jungkook grounded.You never really understood what she meant by this. You didn't ask, either. One of the perks of this was that you and Jungkook didn't have a hard time explaining your fake romantic engagement to her. Mrs. Jeon had been calling you daughter-in-lawas long as you could remember. For her, what you and Jungkook had was real. She wouldn't believe otherwise.

"Hi, mum." You humored the old lady. Her smile stretched when you called her mother. She peppered your cheeks with kisses.

"Perfect timing! Frieda and Kiyomi just left. The soup I made is still hot. Come, I'll ladle some for you." Mrs. Jeon pushed the wheelchair herself. You quickly caught up to her and helped.

"The social workers have visited you already?" You were shocked. Frieda called you to ask for Mrs. Jeon's phone number. She said she and Kiyomi would visit Jungkook's mother next week. Admittedly, this was why you went to the Jeon residence today. You wanted to brief Mrs. Jeon on what she could and could not say to the social workers. You never thought Frieda would not keep her word. Damn it.

"Yes. They're such lovely people. Don't worry, my girl. I'm very obedient. I didn't say anything bad against you and my son. I love my granddaughter, too. I want her to be happy." Sora and Mrs. Jeon were close to each other—probably because of their love for food. Mrs. Jeon often visited the Kang restaurant. She particularly loved seafood, so Jungkook often had to plead with Niccolo not to serve lobsters to his mom.

"As expected of my mother-in-law." You beamed, "Can you tell me what happened during their visit?"

Mrs. Jeon happily indulged you while you drank soup and ate other dishes. You were having a taste test to know what Jungkook and Hanni would like.

"How are you and my son, by the way? When is the wedding?" Mrs. Jeon looked at you fondly; guilt shot at your heart.

It was difficult to lie to her. How were you supposed to say that you were actively avoiding Jungkook? That looking at her son made you so anxious you wanted to vomit? Were you supposed to say you were scared of fucking things up that you'd rather act coldly to Jungkook? That you'd rather ruin something that hadn't even started?

The past two weeks had been nothing but torture for Jungkook. You snapped at him every time you two crossed paths.

It was as if you were back to your old self, crawling back to your hard shell and painting your walls blue.

Jungkook was frustrated, but all he could do was swallow his pride because this was his fault.He thought he ignored your boundaries just cause he felt the moment was right, so all he could do now was look at you pathetically like a damn dog gaining back its master's favor.

The day after the trip was the worst. You did not go home for two days, granted that it was for a business trip, but you were being too dodgy. You wouldn't talk to Jungkook and only say a few things if Hanni was on the other line.

Jungkook tried snatching the phone from Hanni. However, you instantly ended the call when his face resurfaced on the phone screen.

When you cooked food for them, you only cooked vegetables. There were barely any sweets, and it's making Hanni agitated. Jungkook couldn't do anything but swallow a spoonful of goya champuru. Blegh! Too bitter!

The weekend was Jungkook's breaking point. Hanni was out with her Uncle Taehyung for two days. The social workers didn't restrict who the kid could spend her weekends with. Besides, Taehyung was trustworthy. Jungkook's heart was at ease knowing that Taehyung was dating Jimin Park. Hanni was in good hands for the weekend.

All Jungkook had to worry about was you. Saturday morning was the first red flag. Jungkook spotted a bouquet of roses on the doorstep.

He immediately assumed it was the same person who gave you those damn baby breaths. Worse? You displayed it on the center table!

Jungkook sulked so badly you could practically taste his bitterness in your mouth. His daisies were ignored! Jungkook did not dare replace the roses with daisies because of how piercing your glare was.

On that same Saturday night, Jungkook felt like crying. You were wearing a sparkly black dress that made your skin pop. You had your red lips on. He almost had a mental breakdown looking at your lips.

He couldn't help but ask where you were going.

"Date." You replied impassively.

It was over for Jungkook. You were probably going out with the person who gave you the roses!

Jungkook waited for you to go home that Saturday night, but you did not. The bags under his eyes were dark and heavy—you almost flinched when you saw him on Sunday. Jungkook was so embarrassed and pissed that he didn't go out the whole day.

In the following days, Jungkook observed that you were always on your phone. He instantly assumed you were giggling while texting with your date.

Perhaps you're meeting with him now? Would you go to Seoul? Was that the reason you had your big bag?

In reality, your big bag was now full of food. Mrs. Jeon made a week's worth of food for you, Jungkook, and Hanni. You two hadn't even gone to the garden yet. You guessed she was over the moon after you told her you and Jungkook were doing better.

It was a white lie, alright? You couldn't bear breaking this old woman's heart.

"This is everything I cooked. Now, come. Let's go to my garden and get you some vegetables. Hanni loves mashed potatoes. I happen to have a lot of potatoes today." Mrs. Jeon wheeled her wheelchair to the garden.

You followed her with a huge smile on your face. Who would have thought food could make you this happy?

Or maybe the thought of cooking for your loved ones was what made you happy.

"Forgive your useless mother-in-law." Mrs. Jeon was apologetic as she watched you pick vegetables all by yourself. She couldn't crouch down as it would only hurt her leg. The old woman sounded solemn. At this point of your life, you understood that you didn't always have to speak up or refute someone's statement—even when they're being pessimistic about themselves. Sometimes, they were only ranting for the sake of it.They just needed someone to listento them because it was not like they didn't know their situation. They were the ones who had problems.You couldn't always offer them solutions because, almost 100% of the time, they had most likely thought of what you thought.

Truth be told, Mrs. Jeon sighed at your silence and felt more at ease to voice out her feelings, "I've been a burden to my husband and my Jungkook-boy since my leg has become useless. Sometimes, I wish the heavens would have mercy and just take me away."

This was something you couldn't tolerate. You stopped picking vegetables to grab Mrs. Jeon's hand. Your grip was tight.

"It's just hard, you know?" Mrs. Jeon gripped your hand, too. She lovingly stroked your fingers like Jungkook did when you couldn't sleep. "I'm the mother of our family, but I've become like a child. I find it hard to bathe myself; I can't control my food, and my leg always hurts. Jungkook couldn't find a wife because he feels the need to take care of me."

You couldn't speak about Mrs. Jeon's pain, but you could talk about the truth about Jungkook. You stared at the old lady and said, "I don't think Jungkook minds. He loves you a lot."

He really did. Jungkook would rather swallow the embarrassment of being called a mama's boyif it meant his mother was happy and healthy. Mrs. Jeon knew this as well. Tears welled up in her eyes. She sobbed imperceptibly.

"He does, doesn't he? My Jungkook is such a good boy. I was so scared when the doctors told me I needed to get surgery. They said it will leave a big scar."

Mrs. Jeon was wearing a long, thick dress since her leg was sensitive to the cold, but she held the hem of her dress as if she wanted to raise it and show you something.

"I cried for days. Jungkook-boy comforted me, but I was inconsolable. My leg will be a reminder of my hardship. I don't want that."

Don't we all? The voice inside your head answered. You had scars, too. It was just that yours was not visible to the eyes—your heart was scarred and battered. People might laugh if you told them your greatest heartbreak was law school, as it would appear insignificant compared to life-threatening problems, but that's the thing. Your pain only seemed irrelevant because they were comparingit to something else.No one saw you shedding tears and losing sleep and dignity whenever your professors threw hurtful words to crush your confidence.

"My surgery went well, but the pain I felt did not get any better. I hated looking at my scars. Until one day..." Mrs. Jeon was hit with a wave of memories. The corner of her mouth twitched. She raised the hem of her dress.

Your breathing hitched as you saw her leg. It was covered with colorful stars. They were tattooed on her skin perfectly.

"It's pretty," your eyes glistened with amazement. You asked Mrs. Jeon if you could trace the stars with your fingers. She happily agreed.

"It was Jungkook's idea. That boy is really thoughtful." Mrs. Jeon saw that Jungkook was affected by her pain. Jungkook was so down he could barely think, but one day, Jungkook went home with a smile on his face. He was humming an unfamiliar song. Mrs. Jeon asked what got him vibrating with excitement.

“Someone sang a song for me. “Jungkook creased his eyes and crouched down. Without any more words, he exposed his newly tattooed skin to his mother.

"Jungkook-boy got a tattoo to convince me to get one myself. It's to show me it's not painful. It’s pretty; now I can look at my leg without crying."

Oh.

Your mind blanked for a moment. You tried to imagine Jungkook and where he could have gotten his tattoo. He was a police officer. He couldn't have had it tattooed somewhere visible to everyone.

Maybe he had one on his leg, too?

No. You had seen him wear shorts before. Perhaps he had it tattooed on his back?

You couldn't stop obsessing about Jungkook's tattoo as you and Mrs. Jeon roamed around her garden. Your second bag was almost full of produce. You told Mrs. Jeon you'd gotten enough for the month.

"That's good. Let's just roam around for a bit, okay? Fresh air is good."

You gave into the old woman's wish. Their garden was big. Your mouth went agape with how pretty the flowers were.

"Did you plant these yourself?" You plucked a small flora and placed it behind Mrs. Jeon's ear. She giggled.

"Yes, although Jungkook maintains them for me. He's a flower enthusiast himself. I'm convinced it's the flowers that he can't leave, not me." She chuckled, "Come, I'll show you his beloved flowers."

You walked for a few more meters before coming face to face with Jungkook's mini flower plantation.

"What do you think? Beautiful, isn't it?" Mrs. Jeon asked.

It took you a long time to respond. Your mouth had gone dry, and you felt like a lump was stuck in your throat. As a lawyer, nothing really surprised you anymore. You had dealt with pathological liars, brutal killers, and more.

But the thing before you shocked you to the core. Shivers ran through your spine while looking at Jungkook's flowers.

Daisies.

Jungkook had a daisy plantation. They're different colors, looking suspiciously like the ones he displayed on Sora's home daily.

Your legs weakened. You had to hold onto the wheelchair bar so you wouldn't fall. Suddenly, the past two weeks felt like a bad joke to you.

Your heart constricted, feeling your stomach drop, too.

"Sweetheart, are you okay? Your face is pale." Jungkook's mom told you to crouch down so she could see your face properly. She saw the light trembling of your lips and your reddish eyes.

Mrs. Jeon felt like she was looking at your younger self. This was the same expression you wore when Jungkook told his parents and your parents that you had kicked him. This was the face you made when you felt you had fucked up.

"You can tell me what's bothering you." Her gentle voice made you want to cry. Looking at Jungkook's mother hit close to home. You had not thrown a tantrum in years, but as you faced this old woman, you thought it wouldn't be so bad if you screamed and kicked your feet out of frustration.

The frustration you felt for yourself as you continuously fuck everything up.

"Mum, what should I do?" You whispered like a lost lamb. Mrs. Jeon caressed your cheeks before holding your head to her lap.

"It's alright," she assured you. "You're allowed not to do anything. Come, let's get you something to eat first. There's nothing food can't solve."

You couldn't eat, though. You were just going to puke it since your stomach was still turning. And so the old woman diverted your mind to crocheting and playing music. When the sun had set, Mrs. Jeon insisted on feeding you again, but you told her you wanted to cook for your family, which seemed to do the trick.

Truthfully, Mrs. Jeon felt guilty feeding you a bunch of stuff while her son and grandchild were probably eating garbage.

"Alright, alright. I'll let you go now." Mrs. Jeon shooed you away after putting more food in your bag. "Drive safely. I'll see you soon, my pretty daughter-in-law!"

You hopped into your car and drove away. You had never been this excited to come back home.

***

The drive back to the Kang' residence felt like an eternity. You were itching to see Jungkook so much that you almost ran inside.

"Hi?" Jungkook was startled to see your panting face. He was having dinner alone when you suddenly emerged in the dining room.

"H-Hi." You greeted back; your breathing was still ragged.

Jungkook noticed the two big bags in your hands, his eyes dilating. He immediately waltzed to your direction and helped you carry them.

"Oh, damn. It's heavy. What the hell is all this?" Jungkook struggled to place the bags on the countertop. How did you manage to carry them all the way here?

Adrenaline.

Your mind had tricked you that you were in danger—like you were going to have a heart attack if you didn't see Jungkook now.

"They're from your mother." You ran out of lies, and frankly, you were tired of them.

"Oh?" Jungkook stood frozen for a second before inspecting the bags. He saw the familiar dishes his mother usually cooked.

All at once, Jungkook's heavy heart felt light. The stones had been lifted.

You were out all day visiting his beloved mother?

"She didn't want me to tell you. But don't worry," you waved your hand in dismissal, "We didn't eat lobster. She's fine."

Jungkook watched you suspiciously, but then your treacherous stomach suddenly growled. Instantly, Jungkook's lips curved into a smirk.

"You didn't eat lobster. Did you even eat at all?"

"Oh, shut up." You rolled your eyes on him.

It was good how you and Jungkook could immediately fall back to your old selves. You guessed Jungkook had long since touched your soul that fighting and making up didn't amount to much.

"Where's Hanni? Why are you eating alone?"

"Oh. She ate earlier. She's sleeping now. You know that kid well. She said she'll have more energy for her playdate with the Lee kids tomorrow if she sleeps now." Jungkook went back to the table. He was doing okay but suddenly became agitated as he opened a plastic bag of takeout food.

"I didn't know you were coming home tonight, so I only bought this for you." Jungkook brought out one oyster pail from the plastic.

The savory smell of your favorite Chinese food wafted in the room. Your stomach growled louder.

This time, you didn't shy away from the sound. Your mind was elsewhere—something more important:

Jungkook thought you weren't coming home, yet he still brought your favorite food.

The realization felt like a slap in the face. You almost lost your balance because of the impact of his actions.

This man was really...

"I'm sorry I didn't buy an extra portion of dumplings." Jungkook scratched the back of his neck, misunderstanding your silence. He honestly thought you were back to being mad because of dumplings.

Pain shot at your heart. Just how cruel were you to him these past two weeks that he thought he wasn't doing enough?

"It's okay. Thank you-u." You stuttered while trying to hide the pain in your voice. Jungkook watched as you sat on the chair, broke the chopsticks into two, and wordlessly ate your food.

Jungkook couldn't see your eyes as you ate with your head down. He sighed, and after watching you for a few more seconds, he sat down and ate with you.

The silence was deafening but not unwelcome. You needed this peace before the storm. 

The drizzling started after finishing your food. Jungkook offered to wash the dishes. You did not fight him and simply nodded.

Jungkook thought you'd return to your room since you no longer have a business here. However, he was surprised when not only did you stay—you also stayed close to him.

"Uh..." Jungkook glanced at you from the side. The silence earlier was not awkward, but this one was.

"Why?" You leaned on the countertop and folded your arms across your chest. You stared at him lazily, "Go on. Wash the dishes."

Jungkook was in a dilemma here. You see, he didn't want to wash the dishes while you were around. Or rather, he didn't want you to see him put on the washing gloves.

"What's wrong?" You furrowed your brow when Jungkook didn't move.

"Don't tell me you don't want to work in front of your empress?"

Jungkook still did not move. His lips were glued together.

The drizzling turned into light rain.

"Fine then." You shrugged nonchalantly. Jungkook breathed out, thinking you had given up. But lawyers like you did not know how to give up.

You pushed through. You thrivedto get what you wanted.

You grabbed Jungkook's right hand. He wasn't expecting your action, so you saw how his hand balled into a fist. He didn't flinch, though—never. 

Never from you.

As usual, Jungkook was wearing his silver Versace watch. You weren't sure why it took you long to notice something about him, but now that you did, you couldn't stop obsessing about it:

Jungkook was wearing his wristwatch on his right hand despite his left hand being his non-dominant one.

It perfectly complemented his silver engagement ring, but this practice was still out of the ordinary for many.

The light rain turned moderate.

You were still grasping Jungkook's hand. You stared at it with your blazing gaze. Jungkook saw how hard you bit your lip—like looking at his hand was a complex puzzle you couldn't solve.

The staring lasted a few minutes before you caressed his hand with both your hands. Jungkook's heart was in his throat. He could only watch helplessly as you removed his wristwatch.

The action only lasted seconds but felt like an eternity for Jungkook. It was tortureto have your soft hand kneading his wrist.

His wrist was tattooed.

So your hunch was correct, huh?

Jungkook really did have his wrist tattooed. You surveyed the design with a dry mouth, a hammering chest, and blurry eyes.

Jungkook had a bracelet tattoo—the bracelet was made with flowers.

But it wasn't just flowers—they were aquamarine daisies.

"Nice tattoo," you whispered as you traced your fingers on it.

You could hear Jungkook's shallow breathing when he hummed in response, "Yeah. It's dedicated to my empress. Her Majesty's born in March."

March was your birth month. The assigned birthstone for this month was aquamarine.

"Your empress didn't know she has such a dedicated subject." Your eyelashes fluttered, tilting your head to the side to expose your neck.

Jungkook gazed salaciously at your exposed skin. He suddenly thought if he were to be a vampire, it wouldn’t be too bad...

"I don't dare tell her. I don't think Her Majesty likes me very much." It took me a long time to figure out my feelings, too. But I didn’t want to run away from her—I didn’t want to run away from you.

Jungkook’s unspoken thoughts remained unspoken, though. He feared he’d scared you again. You two were barely talking. Jungkook didn’t know if tonight was a miracle because it sure felt like it was. Seeing you here was already enough. 

“Her Majesty can be a little dense, huh?” You dropped his wrist, but your hand made its way to cupped his jaw. Jungkook was a big man, but he purred.Like a cat, he couldn’t help but nuzzle his face to your hand.

“Nah, I’m just too presumptuous. How could a mere servant dare kiss Her Majesty?” Jungkook’s voice was solemn. This was his way of subtly apologizing for his actions. He couldn’t apologize to you directly as it might ruin your mood.

 But you were done pretending. You didn’t want subtlety anymore. What you realized at the Jeon’s garden shook your heart. You felt like you were deprived of oxygen after chain-smoking for so long.

It might be too late, but you wanted to quit. You wanted to give your lungs air that went by the name Jungkook,so you did just that.

The moderate rain turned into a thunderstorm. 

You did not care about the lightning and thunder. All you could think about was the feeling of Jungkook’s lips against yours.

They are soft—was your first thought. But it’s not enough.You wanted more of him.

You grabbed Jungkook’s face and kissed him harder. It took him a few seconds to respond, thinking he was in a fever dream.

But this was real.

Jungkook moaned as his hands roamed around your body. He touched your hips. You were real. 

He caressed your waist—you were real.

He stroked your hair—you were real.

He pushed his tongue inside your slightly parted lips—you were fucking real.

“For reference…” You broke the kiss for a while. Jungkook grumbled in annoyance. He tried to run after your lips while his eyes were tightly shut.

You laughed heartily but backed away. Jungkook gave up and just buried his face on your neck. He sucked bruises into it. God, you were so sweet and warm.

“I just taught you how to kiss me. You can’t just peck on my lips—”

“You want to be devoured. I get it.” Jungkook was impatient. He kissed you again.

He kissed and touched you until your lips had gone numb—until the thunderstorm stopped and the rainbow and sun resurfaced again.

***

The aftermath of the kiss wasn't tragic like the first one because Jungkook had learned his lesson.

"Seriously?" You looked at Jungkook in disbelief as you wriggled out of his grasp. Sadly, he didn't let you go and only tightened his hold on you like a koala bear.

"Tsk. Who knew you'd be this clingy?" In the end, you had no choice but to give up struggling. Jungkook had made up his mind. He would cling to you all night lest you run away again.

Kissing you was like a dangerous drug for him. It left him craving more.Admittedly, Jungkook stole many kisses from you in a span of ten minutes. You thought you wouldn't mind, but damn was he a ferocious beast.

He had bitten and licked you enough. You still need to meet some of your clients tomorrow. You couldn't go around looking like a violet painting, could you?

"Just one more kiss." Jungkook was about to kiss you again, but you pushed his forehead away.

"No. Your one kiss will last twenty minutes. Have mercy. I have a cut on my lips because of you!"

"Maybe I should kiss it better?" Jungkook batted his eyelashes. You pinched his cheeks in both annoyance and fondness.

"I can't believe I got myself a clingy boyfriend."

That shut Jungkook up. He looked at you dumbly, frozen like a stone in his spot.

It took him a second to realize the meaning of your statement. He gasped and grabbed your shoulders.

"We're dating?"

You blushed because of how surprised and delighted he sounded. It made you wonder if you were being toohasty, but you couldn't take back your statement now, could you? Not when the big puppy beside you was vibrating with excitement.

Gosh. He was so pathetic for you.

"Don't you want to?"

"No. No!" Jungkook licked his lips, his jaw tensing. You two were currently sitting on the couch. Jungkook could see the red roses on the center table. It pissed him off. The smile he flashed at you was strained. "It's good that you confirmed we're dating. That means the person who keeps sending you flowers will stop now, right?"

"Huh? You mean Mrs. Tanaka?" You narrowed your eyes. That old woman was a client of yours. She had a legal dispute over her land and had you represent her in court. The Supreme Court recently decided in favor of her, so now the land was rightfully hers. She sent you flowers as an additional expression of thank you.

Your clients have always been sweet. Aside from monetary value, they liked gifting you flowers, luxury bags, and perfumes.

Jungkook was stupefied. Of course, he knew Mrs. Tanaka. She brought candies for Hanni last time. Jungkook had approved it, so Hanni happily indulged her sweet tooth while you weren't looking.

He would have never guessed that Mrs. Tanaka was the one who sent you flowers.

You looked at Jungkook suspiciously, though. Then you crinkled your eyes. "Wait, did you think some guy is sending me flowers?"

Jungkook's lips protruded into a pout. He scratched his nape, "Well, you know. Someone did send you home before, then you received those popcorn flowers the next day..."

"Oh, my gosh. You're still not over that!?" You gaped at Jungkook. You seemed to learn more things about your boyfriend as time passed by. Was he seriously the jealous type?

You thought about it for a second, realizing it wasn't a red flag for you. In fact—

You looked at Jungkook's still sulky face. It warmed your heart in an instant.

—In fact, it was kind of cute.

"You don't have to worry." You stroked his arms. "I'm not entertaining anyone else. You're the only one I like."

Jungkook's downturned lips curved up. He practically had stars in his eyes. "Good. No more going out on dates either, except with me."

"But I never went on dates?" You didn't have time for it. Your clients were the only ones you met up with. Besides, meeting someone with a romantic intent was difficult for you. You hated opening your heart to a stranger since it was a waste of time and would probably not work out.

But Jungkook was not convinced. He remembered that you went on a date two weeks ago. He let out ahmph sound and said, "Don't lie to your boyfriend. You were on a date recently. You even wore a black dress."

Oh, that. Realization dawned on you. You shook your head at Jungkook, "Tsk. Are you the strict type? I went out with Ji-eun that night. That girl neededa break, you know?"

She sure did. Ji-eun was an overworked prosecutor. She couldn't remember the last time she went out, so you volunteered to take her on a date. Ji-eun was hammered.You didn't have a choice but to stop drinking and just babysit her.

You brought her home, too, and decided to stay the night.

"I'm saving the planet. I'm a responsible citizen!" You reasoned out to Jungkook. If you left Ji-eun at her home, you were sure she and Jongsuk would end up making another baby. 

Jungkook finally relaxed. As it turned out, most things that made him sad the past two weeks were simply a misunderstanding.

You and Jungkook talked for a bit. He also assured you that he was not dating anyone else. His mother already called you daughter-in-law.He wouldn't dare bring anyone else home—he also didn't want to.

"I still can't believe this is real." Jungkook sighed with contentment as he gazed at your face.

He couldn't believe that after so long, you two would be here, sitting on the couch without biting each other's neck—that there would come a time when he could admit he liked you and that you felt the same.

If someone told him a month ago that he would be dating you, he probably would laugh at their face. You and Jungkook had a long history together; even now, you still have to figure out many things. But it was best to take things slow, mainly because you needed to prioritize Hanni first. The deliberation of the social workers hasn't been finalized yet.

"I'm real." You leaned your head over Jungkook's shoulder. You also traced his tattoo once again. Next time, you'd ask him why and when he got this. "We're real."

Jungkook nodded before kissing your temples. He felt your heartbeat through your wrist for a while.

He brought your hand to his mouth a little later, kissed it, and whispered goodnight to you.

***

Unfortunately, you might have to reevaluate jealousyas your red flag.

Your morning started off the same. You were cooking breakfast while Jungkook went out to check the mailbox. He hadn't seen flowers in a while, but fate seemed to be testing you as there was a fresh bouquet of tulips on your doorstep.

"Another client?" Jungkook frowned, letting you see the messy handwriting on the bouquet's card. Your name was written on it with a small heart on the end.

The veins in your head felt like they were going to explode. You honestly didn't want to deal with this early in the morning, but you realized that the sooner you talked about it, the sooner it would go away.

"I know where the flowers came from." You sighed loudly and took off your apron. It was a Sunday. Jongsuk would pick up Hanni after lunch. Perhaps it was better to order food online as your morning would be spent pacifying a big baby.

"I'm not sure if you remember him, but his name is Rico Braun. He was—"

"Mingyu's classmate and a bastard who's obsessed with you." Jungkook cut you off harshly. He wasn't mad at you or anything. This wasn't even about his jealousy. Jungkook's rage was directed at Rico.

How could Jungkook forget him? Rico was the reason why Mingyu's life became so fucked up. Jungkook hated him.

You gave your boyfriend warm tea and coaxed him to calm down. Unfortunately, Jungkook was still brooding. Hanni woke up a little later. She noticed her Jungkook-boy was in a foul mood, so she tried cheering him up.

Hanni was never scared of Jungkook. At three, she already knew Jungkook-boy would neverhurt her. 

"Come on, I've already blocked his number. We haven't talked in a while now." You told Jungkook the last time you and Rico talked was many weeks ago. He insisted on bringing you home, so you just agreed to get it over with. You also told him Rico was already out of the country.

However, Jungkook didn't feel at ease. He searched for Rico on social media platforms.

"I'm blocking him too!" Jungkook announced.

You, him, and Hanni were in the living room. Hanni said she wanted to watch a movie with you and Jungkook before Uncle Jongsuk picked her up.

The little girl chose a movie while his male guardian sulked beside her.

"Hanni, look. He's not good-looking, isn't he?"

Jungkook's pettiness reached another level when he showed Hanni a photo of Rico. You facepalmed. This was a little too much.

But Hanni was on Jungkook's side. She looked at the picture and scowled, "Jungkook-boy, who is that? He looks like the one I saw in a movie before!"

As if on cue, the teYoongision flashed a movie recommendation. It was called Antz.Hanni giggled and pointed at the screen, "Look! Look! He looks like Z!"

Z was a character in Antz. Your mouth parted in shock as Hanni and Jungkook made fun of Rico. You couldn't care less about Rico, but you scolded them for being mean.

Jungkook caressed Hanni's hair when he realized his mistake, "Terni is right, Hanni. We can't be mean to other people. You can't judge them solely based on looks, alright?"

Your heart relaxed at that. You thought that was the end, but Jungkook added something more.

"Except him. You are allowed to make fun of this dude called Rico. He's a me—"

The pillow hit Jungkook's face before he could finish his sentence.

He looked at you sheepishly. You glared.

Silence filled the room.

Jungkook finally shut up.

***

Jungkook slowly returned to normal a few weeks after you two started dating. He hadn't really changed much to begin with. Jungkook became comfortable with being a little too in lovewith you.

Of course, the bickering never stopped. Jungkook still got on your nerves and vice versa. If one thing had changed, it was that Jungkook became busier with work.

He was assigned to many patrol operations and review reports. One time, you and Jungkook got home in the middle of the night because Jungkook had to go to the hospital first and get stitches.

You were so mad you berated Yoongi. "There are so many newbie officers out there! Why'd you have to send Jungkook to deal with these bastards!"

Jimin and Jungkook grabbed your shoulders to steady you. The bastards you were talking about were two groups of men who got into a brawl.  Jungkook stepped in to stop them. They were useless gangs who had the gall to start a fight but cowered under the skirts of their mother.

It was so annoying!

Captain Yoongi was unbothered, though. He drank his tea and shrugged his shoulders. Jungkook brought you home while cajoling you to calm down.

However, you couldn't calm down, wanting to see him okay and out of danger. You and Jungkook ended up sleeping in the same bed that night. You tossed and turned, making sure you weren't hitting his wounds. You had to get up every 2hours to remind him to take his medicine.

Jungkook appreciated your concern so much that he wouldn't stop peppering your face with feather-like kisses. He thought the incident was a blessing in disguise as that was the start of the two of you sleeping in the same bed.

You hadn't gone beyond kissing and a few touches here and there, though. The nights you stayed together were more of a getting-to-know-each-otherphase.

Jungkook missed almost a decade of your life. He spent those years confused about his feelings for you—sometimes he liked you, sometimes he felt disappointed in the path you chose.

But ultimately, he felt regret because he hadn't made up his mind in those years. What did he truly want?

You were different from Jungkook. You knew everything that happened to him since Sora never failed to update you, even though you told her you couldn't care less.

That was a lie—you only told Sora this to make yourself feel better about how things ended between you and Jungkook.

Both of you achieved great things despite not being in the company of the other. But now that you were together, things became greater. 

It was a typical day for you. You didn't work on weekends anymore, but your weekdays were busier than ever. A client of you called with an urgent concern. You were supposed to drop off Hanni at the daycare today, but your stupid client ruined your schedule.

"Don't say anything." You reminded your client in haste as you put on your heels. Your phone was attached to your ear since your hands were full of documents. Damn it. You were going to be late! "You're saying you are in Seoul now? The officers there would harass you. Demand a medical check-up before you engage with their demand. Again, don't say anything unnecessary without me there."

You kissed Jungkook and Hanni and mouthed goodbyeto them. Jungkook was sad you were leaving early but knew he couldn't interfere with your work. Jungkook watched helplessly as you sprinted toward your vehicle.

You started your car while still on the phone with your client. The latter was crying on the other line, saying how scared he was of the police officers in Seoul. He wasn't familiar with the city. Unfortunately, he got arrested for violating a local government law relating to operating an unmanned aircraft.

You were in the middle of talking to your client and were about to drive away when Jungkook abruptly entered your car.

"I'll go now. See you in a while." You cut off the line so you could direct your attention to Jungkook. He was carrying Hanni, and both of them were looking at you disapprovingly.

"What is it?" You huffed at them. You didn't have time for games. You had work to do.

Hanni crossed her arms while Jungkook lightly flicked your forehead.

"Ouch!" You overreacted. "What was that for?"

Both Jungkook and Hanni shook their heads. Jungkook was the one who explained their disappointment. 

"You're driving away without a seatbelt? Don't you have regard for your life? Why do you keep forgetting you're a mom now?"

"Mama doesn't love us!" Hanni added fuel to the fire.

Oh.

You sheepishly blinked at them. Right. You were a 'mom' now. Frieda and Kiyomi released a statement, saying that you and Jungkook passed the deliberation. All you needed to do now was to sign the documents and submit them to the court, then the court would contact you to swear an oath, and that was it.

You would legally be Hanni's guardian. It was a done deal already. Jungkook knew you had already submitted the documents to the court. All you needed to do was wait for their call.

Your friends rejoiced with the news. You all had a mini party to celebrate. Hanni was so happy despite not knowing the legalities of the process. She just understood that you would forever be with her.

Admittedly, it was Hanni's idea to call you and Jungkook as ‘Mama’and ‘Papa.’You were at the party at that time. You announced the good news to your friends. Rin—Ji-eun and Jongsuk's eldest child--looked at Hanni innocently and asked, "Does this mean they're your mama and papa now?" while pointing at you and Jungkook.

You wished you were kidding when you said Hanni's eyes dilated out of excitement. She instantly called you Mama. A big smile was plastered on her lips.

You wanted badly to refute her. Not because you hated the idea of being a mom but because you did notwant to stealsomething that belonged to Sora and Niccolo.

Jungkook saw your struggle and wanted to correct Hanni, too. But Hanni called him Papa,and Jungkook didn't have the heart to refute her.

Thankfully, Hanni said something that soothed your guilty heart, "Isn't it cool? I have Mummy Sora, Daddy Nico, Mama Terni, and Papa Jungkook-boy!"

The kids cheered. One of Ji-eun's children even asked if she could have another papa,too. Jongsuk refused his kid vehemently. The mood lightened afterward, allowing you to continue the party without hiccups.

Since then, Hanni has never stopped addressing you as Mama.There were times you still felt awkward, just like now.

In your thirty-two years of existence, you had never once thought a little kid and Jungkook, as your boyfriend, would berate you for not wearing your seatbelt.

"It's my fault." And that you would so easily concede to them. Jungkook helped you wear your seatbelt. After that, he kissed your forehead. Hanni kissed your cheek.

Jungkook wanted to kiss you on the lips, but you told him to have some decency as you were in the presence of your child.

Jungkook snorted and unsuccessfully hopped out of the car with Hanni. They waved goodbye to you before going back inside the house.

"Remember, kid. You can kiss your loved ones on the lips. I happen to like your Mama so much that I can kiss her anytime. It's normal." Jungkook reminded Hanni. He couldn't say he didn't have ulterior motives for this, but a part of him wanted Hanni to learn affection and what should've been normalized in the first place.

"Alright," Hanni kissed Jungkook's cheek, "Does that mean I can kiss my friend Beren on the lips? I like him!"

Jungkook's eyes widened.

He lightly grabbed Hanni's shoulder and stared deep into her eyes. Jungkook's jaw ticked. "No! You absolutely cannot kiss Beren! You're a child!"

Beren was Ji-eun and Jongsuk's child. Jungkook felt pain in his heart. This was not happening! He couldn't let his three-year-old kid like that pimp Beren!

Jungkook sighed in frustration and defeat. He sat down with Hanni and told Captain Yoongi he would be late for work. Jungkook didn't care about salary deductions or any punishment ahead.

He needed to educate his daughter first!

***

The case of your client in Seoul turned out difficult to handle. It took you half a day to deal with it. You also visited your office and talked to your secretary about some updates, so it was already nighttime when you reached Busan.

The Kang Residence was unbelievably quiet. For once, Jungkook wasn't by the door to welcome you.

Strange. 

You entered the house. All the lights were turned off. You checked Jungkook and Hanni's rooms, but they were not around.

For some reason, your heart had gone cold. You felt numbness crawling from your feet to your head when you opened the cabinets.

Empty.

It only meant one thing: Jungkook and Hanni left you.

It should have come as a shocker, but you expected this. This was your plan, after all. It was just that something changed. Instead of Jungkook and Hanni, you should have been the one who left.

Still, you couldn't help but cling to them. You tried calling Jungkook. However, his phone was turned off. You had no choice but to call his mother.

Mrs. Jeon answered the phone, asking what was wrong. She was worried after her son and granddaughter barged into her home.

You couldn't explain the situation via phone, so you told her you'd be there in a few minutes. You didn't mind if she told Jungkook because, despite things escalating to this level, you knew Jungkook would not run away from a confrontation.

He wanted to know what was up with you, too.

The drive to the Jeon's residence was short. You couldn't remember stepping on the gas so hard. For once, all thoughts evaporated in your head as the inevitable enveloped you:

You fucked up.

You and Jungkook were doing okay just this morning. He kissed you goodbye and reminded you to wear your seatbelt, but now everything felt suffocating. You removed the seatbelt and hopped out of the car.

Your numb legs miraculously made it to the door. Jungkook was there. He was leaning on the wall with a cigarette in his hand.

Jungkook never smoked—he hated the smell and its effect, but he couldn't help but indulge in the feeling of smoke filling his lungs.

He was stressed.

"Hey," you greeted. What other choice did you have? Whatever you spouted would sound like bullshit to him. A simple 'hey' was the safest option.

But as expected, Jungkook did not bother to look at you. He stared into nothing as he puffed out smoke. 

You turned your head away and held your breath. The suffocating smell of smoke made you want to puke.

"I've read your letter." Jungkook's voice was devoid of any emotion.

You'd like to think you had seen almost all sides of him. You saw him angry, frightened, grieving, and disappointed.

But this? This was something you hadn't seen before. Jungkook seemed like a dead robot. When he looked at you, you saw nothing—not even disgust.

Jungkook just felt empty. For the second time, he felt what it was like to be proven wrong.

"I trusted you, you know," Jungkook said in a flat tone. His face was hollow when he threw the cigarette stick on the floor.

You watched as ashes scattered on the floor. They were like the memories you spent together these past months. Now, Jungkook did not hesitate to let them go.

He stepped on the cigarette stick aggressively.

"I honestly believed you had a change of heart, but..." Jungkook trailed off. He chuckled at himself—of how naïve he was. Then he looked up—like doing so was the only way to stop the tears from falling down his eyes.

He didn't want to cry in front of you.

"You betray me. As usual."

"J-Jungkook..." Your voice cracked. The lump in your throat grew bigger, threatening to choke you.

"Don't." Jungkook's jaw ticked. Anger flashed in his eyes. No. You didn't have the right to look apologetic. He wouldn't want to hear your lame excuse. You had made a decision already—just like what you did when you left Busan to chase your dream.

Jungkook knew everything now. You lied to him. You did not submit the documents to the court. You didn't even sign them. The papers collected dust on your office table.

All because you did not want to be Hanni's legal guardian.

Jungkook had read the letter you wrote. It was addressed to the judge, Kiyomi, and Frieda. You told them you were backing out from the guardianship as you couldn't do it—you weren't fit to be a mother.

You said you wanted to pass all responsibilities to Jungkook. Maybe Taehyung, too, if he agreed. You claimed you didn't want anything to do with Hanni--that you wanted to go back to Seoul and focus on your career.

To further your fucking career.

Jungkook wanted to scream because he should have known. And honestly, he couldn't fault you either. You had always been like this. You had always thought about your career more than anything.

More than him.

More than Hanni.

"What are you still doing here? Why haven't you left?" Jungkook did not want to see you anymore.

Your heart couldn't take it. Bad habits die hard. You were a heartless jerk who liked putting the blame on others. You were a ruthless lawyer who turned on the good to protect the evil.

You were the evil. Jungkook realized when you threw back a question at him, "What about you? Don't you hate me? Then why are you still waiting for me here?"

Say you love me.

Make me change my mind.

Fight these demons threatening to swallow me whole.

Save me.

"You—" Jungkook huffed. He was speechless because of your shamelessness. Tears fell down his cheeks. He wiped them harshly. "You're really something, aren't you?"

You sucked in a breath. That's right. Be angry with me. Show me something. 

But you were asking for too much. Even you knew how shameless you were being. You couldn't keep doing this. You couldn't keep hurting Jungkook.

It was not fair.

You stepped back. From your distance, you could see Jungkook shaking. He was clenching his fist so tightly—you were sure his fingernails had dug into his skin to the point of scarring.

When you two started going out, Jungkook stopped wearing his wristwatch, but he was wearing it again.

You couldn't fault him. This was on you.

So you did what you're good at.

"Let's break up, Jungkook."

You broke him.

Jungkook gnashed his teeth as a response. Tears continue to flood his cheeks.

"Fine." He glared at you. "Have it your way. Let's not see each other again."

Jungkook already had his heart broken. You had seen him shed tears because of you. His pride was severely damaged, so all he could do was turn away.

You didn't take that away from him. You let him have his last shred of dignity.

And then you left.

****

***

***

It's Friday.

You used to spend the night watching movies with Hanni and Jungkook, but now that you were back in Seoul, your Friday night switched to dealing with cases you'd be presenting in court next week.

Your weekend should have been a rest day. You would wait for one of your friends to pick up Hanni, and then you and Jungkook would go on a date.

But that was before. Now, you were just a single, overworked lawyer who breathed in money.

It was more complicated now that you were in Seoul. You were constantly receiving emails from the Braun Family, asking you to work for them again and if there was any chance you could appeal Gabi's case.

It was a shot in the dark, but they still did it. After all, you didn't hesitate to do it before. You betrayed Mingyu for money. Now, you have done the same thing. You gave up on your promise to your dead best friend to further your 'career.'

"Attorney, Mr. Braun called again. They're offering to make you the head of their—"

"Decline it." You didn't let your secretary finish. She understood at once, proceeding to your next business.

"Noted. I'm reminding you that you have a court hearing tomorrow morning from seven to nine. Should I confirm your attendance?"

"Yes." You answered without casting your gaze away from the files. Work. You needed to work harder.

"Then tomorrow at 9:15am, you are invited by the University of Seoul to give a lecture to graduating law students. It's a 6-hour lecture. Are you up for it?"

"Yes." Came your robotic response. You could skip lunch. It was not a big deal.

"Mr. Kang needs your legal advice as well. He's asking if you're available at 3:30pm tomorrow?"

"Yes." You turned the page of the files you were reading. Your eyes had gone dry. It was okay.

"Can we still squeeze in a 5pm online consultation with Isayama Corporation? They've been trying to seek your service for a while now."

"Confirm my appearance tomorrow."

Mina wanted to go on but didn't have the heart to. There were so many events and clients you still needed to entertain. What about rest? You hadn't been sleeping the past month.

Your subordinates noticed your drastic loss of weight. Frankly speaking, they were worried about you. However, they had no one to voice their concerns to. They didn't know any of your family members, and Sora, the only one who kept you grounded the past years, was dead.

"Is there anything else?" You leaned back on your swivel chair and looked at your secretary. Was it weird that you felt she was dancing?

Or were you just dizzy?

"Actually, Mr. Kim Taehyung called. He's asking if you're free to meet him for dinner tomorrow. He's in Seoul and said he's willing to pay your hourly rate. How should I respond, Attorney?"

Your eyebrow shot at that. Huh. Taehyung was in Seoul?

"Tell him my hourly rate is thirteen thousand won. If he agrees, tell him I'm meeting him at Tross District."

Mina expressed her understanding and left you alone after. You massaged your aching temples, clamping your eyes shut.

This was your life now. It seemed like nothing had changed, but it felt like everything changed at the same time.

Returning to Seoul after staying in Busan for months made you realize how monotonous your life was—how your life revolved around law and fattening your bank account.

It used to excite you: the thought of earning money and people recognizing your talent. But it didn't seem relevant now—not when you couldn't feel your heart starting. You also couldn’t feel the air or see the sky because you had built your wall higher and stronger this time. They were bluer than ever.

The blue haze spread all over your office. Slowly, you tried to let your guard down as your forehead hit the table.

You breathed in.

You breathed out.

In.

Out.

In. Your tears fell.

Out. More tears fell.

You had to remind yourself it was okay to cry sometimes. Because if you suppressed it all and if you didn't cry enough, the pain would come to bite you back in the ass.

And it was gonna hurt. Like a fucking bitch.

***

Your Saturday reeked of regret.

You regretted filling your schedule the whole day with only a maximum of a thirty-minute break. 

Your mind and body were about to give up. Tross District was near your office, yet you almost crawled there. You suddenly regretted charging Taehyung with your regular hourly rate. You should've charged higher because you were not ready to face him.

"Long time no see, Attorney." Taehyung was playing the role of a client very well. His sarcastic remark made you want to roll your eyes. But you didn't. You were trying to be professional.

"Apologies for not arriving on time. I didn't want to be here." Whoops. A slip of the tongue.

Taehyung glared at you. Nonetheless, he helped you sit down. He was not a bastard. He saw how much you were struggling. You looked exhausted.

"Man, Ji-eun is right. You look like shit." Taehyung grimaced. You mimicked his reaction. Damn. Did Ji-eun talk behind your back?

Unfortunately, you couldn't blame Ji-eun. You couldn't cut her off your life, either. She was the only source of information you had in Busan.

You always bugged the prosecutor to update you regarding Jungkook and Hanni. Ji-eun would always sigh and tell you to come see yourself. You never did. You were a coward. Luckily, Ji-eun had a soft spot for a coward like you. She knew the feeling of pining for a guy she thought she couldn't see more than a family.

"I'm busy with work." You dismissed Taehyung with a wave of your hand. You tried to order wine, but Taehyung did not allow you to.

"I'm paying. You're not allowed to escape this conversation with alcohol, Mam." The boy knew your type well. Your technique was getting old already. Haven't you learned enough? You were thirty-two, for God's sake. Why did you still act like your problems would disappear if you ignored them?

You were acting like a child.

"Ugh," you scowled. "What do you want to talk about, anyway? Come on, time's running."

Taehyung ignored you, focusing on ordering proper meals for you. He was not blind. He saw how much you had lost weight. Your breakup with Jungkook and moving back to Seoul ruined you. Taehyung couldn't watch you destroy yourself any further—not when his other best friend in Busan was doing as bad as you were.

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm the biggest idiot in our group or if it's you and Jungkook." Taehyung exhaled loudly. "Or maybe it's Sora. I don't understand why she'd rather leave Hanni to you and Jungkook."

"Hey—!!" Your mind had been working all day. As much as you wanted to refute Taehyung's statement, your brain cells wouldn't do it. You were damn tired. All you could do was roll the tissue paper into a ball and throw it at Taehyung's face.

Taehyung gasped. He debated throwing back the rolled napkin to you but then decided against it. One of you needed to act as the mature one unless you wanted to be kicked out of this restaurant.

Taehyung wouldn't want that—not when he hadn't even started lecturing you for your idiocy and cowardice.

Since Taehyung was a decent person, he let you take a few bites of your food before speaking his mind. You looked like you needed it. You were barely chewing your food. You were so hungry you just swallowed it all.

"Slow down, damn." Taehyung was disgusted. Was this the same person Jungkook cried over about?

"I'm hungry! This is my first meal!"

"You're already living this badly. Don't you have regard for yourself? Are you trying to end your life?"

You stopped slurping your ramen and looked at Taehyung. Seeing his expression had you gluing your mouth shut. Being honest with him would probably send him on a spiral, so you just stuck to your second option: to shut up.

However, Taehyung understood your silence. His jaw ticked, "Why don't you just move back to Busan?"

"Can't. I'm not welcome there anymore." You replied casually. Taehyung felt his head aching.

"And whose fault is that? Aren't you the one who broke up with Jungkook and told me to look after Hanni on your behalf? Your decision got you in this depressive state, yet you still couldn't admit it?"

"I'm not depressed!"

"Oh, come on!" Taehyung badly wanted to throw the rolled napkin on your face. He did. Unfortunately, it landed on your bowl of ramen.

"You—!!"

Taehyung was unapologetic. He snarled at you. "Why are you doing this? Seriously? You're ruining your life for nothing!"

It was a good thing Taehyung hired a private room. Otherwise, you wouldn't have the face to look the customers in the eye. You knew most of them. They had been your clients, and some were your colleagues. You couldn't bear seeing them see you like this.

"And what about it!?" You screamed back. Weeks of built-up frustration fucked you up. Tears brimmed in your eyes. "There's nothing I can do! I can regret all I want, but it ends with that, too. I've ruined everything. You don't understand it. You..."

Your chest was heaving. It was hard to breathe, but you persevered. You felt like you were going to die if you kept it all inside.

"You don't know what it's like to be me, alright? I'm not Sora. I don't know how to be a good mom. I'm not Ji-eun, either! I can't win a case without scheming! And I'm..."

You couldn't hold back your tears. A sob escaped your lips.

"I'm not enough. I don't know how to love him. I'm...broken." The last word was barely above a whisper, but it reverberated through Taehyung's heart.

He couldn't take it. Seeing you like this felt like he was losing another friend. He could only take so much.

"Why do you say that?" Taehyung's expression morphed into something bitter. He bit his lips as if he was stopping something painful. "Did he never tell you?"

Tell me what? You wanted to ask, yet you couldn't find your voice. Your throat was filled with bile. One word, and you would throw it all out. You couldn't. It was too pungent.

Taehyung was conflicted. He stared at you blankly for a while, thinking of how he could explain things to you the same way Jungkook explained to him his feelings for you.

You lapsed into silence.

Taehyung watched the floating tissue on your ramen bowl. He felt guilty. You were deprived of many things.

Taehyung called out your name. Surprisingly, you did not bite back. You just simply hummed to indicate you were listening.

Taehyung calmed down.

"What do you think about law school?"

His question caused you to snap your head up and meet his gaze. Why was Taehyung asking you such a question?

"Can you tell me what you feel about law school?"

You always complained about how hard law school was. Taehyung had to admit that sometimes he pretended to listen to your rant. It drained him to listen to you talk. But now, he really wanted to hear your thoughts.

"I..." You licked your lips. You didn't know where to start. There were so many things to say about law school. Summarizing it would feel like a crime, but you still tried to fit what you feel in a few sentences.

"I abhorred law school so much." You didn't just dislike it—you hated it. "I hate that we follow the Socratic method. I hate that I had to memorize the provisions verbatim. I hate that I had to read hundreds of pages for a single case only to be asked one sentence about it. I hate how my professors attacked me personally and belittled my capacities because I got one question wrong. I hate that I constantly have to demerit my classmates' answers just so I wouldn't get zero on our recitation. I hate that I have to scheme to prove a point. I hate that they call the Constitution the supreme law of the land, but it's open to interpretation—it's open to many things. I view this provision as a circle, but it's a square. I hate it. I hate law school so much."

Taehyung could feel the hatred radiating from you.

"But..." Your lips trembled as you swallowed thickly, "I love law school at the same time. I love how it taught me how to be tough. I love how I can use these square things to help those in need, those falsely accused. I love how my heart pumps whenever I talk about those damned provisions I have memorized by heart. Most importantly, I love how being a lawyer defined me. It's not my whole personality, but it is a part of me."

A huge part of who you are today. Something you could call your own.

"Wow." Taehyung blinked, unable to say anything at first. He knew you were passionate about law but underestimated its impact on you. 

You gave your whole heart to law.

"I get it now." The bulb inside Taehyung's head lit up. He squared his shoulders and looked at you with understanding. "You're like this because you haven't realized what you meant to Jungkook."

Taehyung was not making sense to you. You gaped, blinking dumbly at him.

Taehyung shook his head and licked his lips. He tried to explain, "Didn't it ever occur to you that maybe you are Jungkook's definition of law school?"

Jungkook felt two extreme emotions toward you all his life: love and hatred. But your actions to him were more of the latter, so Jungkook thought he'd act like he hated you more.

You didn't exactly give him many reasons to realize his love for you. The anger and the betrayal overpowered something he had not admitted himself.

Come to think of it, every emotion you two felt for each other was so strong that you didn't realize you were rushing into things.

It took you a short time to get together. It took you even a shorter time to break up. Your feelings were so intensethat you didn't know what to do with them.

"I guess you're not the only idiot in your relationship. Jungkook is, too." Taehyung observed. Jungkook was not good with words. He showed his love with actions. It was evident by how he took care of you and awkwardly kissed you the first time. Admittedly, he didn't know what to do after that first kiss. He was an awkward little ball who failed to assure you what it meant.

The second kiss was slightly better, but Jungkook still didn't know what to do with the feelings injected into his heart. He only knew how to cling and possess.

You two hadn't dealt with your issues before. Yes, you made it clear to each other that there was no room for other people in your hearts, but it ended with that.

Frankly, this was the bottom line of your issue. You were vulnerable and admitted to Taehyung,  "I don't know what to do with us, Taehyung." You held back a hiccup. "I felt like I've stolen this life."

Your gain was someone else's loss. Would you have dated Jungkook if Sora didn't die? Would you two have started something hadn't been for the fact that you were forced to live together?

These thoughts flooded your brain. More importantly, you thought you didn't deserve to be a mother. Hanni calling you Mama had fucked you up more than you thought it would. You lied to yourself at first, thinking you were simply getting used to the thought of being responsible for a child's life.

However, it was proven to be challenging. You had a broken soul. How could you love a little child who needed body and soul nourishment when you couldn't extend the same treatment to yourself?

Taehyung's words cut you deep. He voiced your deepest fear.

"What?" Taehyung couldn't fathom how you thought you stole the life you had in Busan. He widened his eyes at you, "Are you so insecure and a coward that you think Jungkook can't fall in love with you? That you can't love Hanni, right? Why? Is it because you have convinced yourself no one could love you? That's it, right? You thought that because that's how you viewed yourself in the first place."

Taehyung felt scandalized when he realized something.

He gasped and said, "It's because you don't love you."

No shit. You really had a broken soul and heart. You couldn't accept love, so you ran away from it.

Silence permeated the room. Taehyung didn't know what to say to you anymore. You were defeated, too.

"Just think about it," Taehyung said after a long pause. He blinked and held your hand. He squeezed them tightly. His touch was comforting, but it wasn't warm.

He wasn't Jungkook.

"You're a great lawyer. Just please think about what I said. You are not hard to love. Or even if you are, someone out there treats you like you are his law school."

There was someone out there who would not give up on you. Someone who would stubbornly charge ahead if it mean being a part of your life.

He loved you.

Jungkook loved you.

You and Taehyung left Tross District after you both calmed down. He didn't have the heart to let you go alone, so he drove you home.

Your apartment in Seoul was big, but it didn't feel like a home. It was simply a house. It was cold. Devoid of flowers and laughter.

It made Taehyung's heart ache.

"I'll get going." Taehyung squeezed your shoulders, still feeling lamented by how you treated your body. "Don't forget your promise to me and Sora."

It was game over. Taehyung had used your weakness against you. But you knew he was right. Your heart had decided, too.

"I know." You smiled softly. "I'll talk to him soon."

"Good." Taehyung turned to leave. He was halfway out the door when you called him.

"Taehyung?"

"Hm?"

"How do you know?" How'd you know Jungkook loves me?

Taehyung's eyelashes fluttered. The wind blew gently.

Taehyung smiled at you.

"My best friend told me. I have eyes too, you know? I won't lie to you."

He wouldn't. Taehyung was the most honest man you knew. He was always genuine in whatever he did. He had eyes that saw the truth, too.

Taehyung wouldn't forget about that day. It was when Sora's case came to an end. Taehyung had invited you and the others to dinner.

Jungkook was dazzling when he entered the restaurant. His hand was tightly wrapped just above your waist—like he wanted to attach you to him.

Hanni was in your arms the whole night. Jungkook ate so little as he was busy tending to you. You two were sitting beside each other. Taehyung watched how gently Jungkook gathered your hair so you could eat your hotpot without disruption.

And when you burnt your tongue because of how hot the food was, Jungkook immediately came to rescue you. He brought the cup close to your lips and let you drink water. After that, he gently patted your lips dry with a napkin.

You turned to Jungkook that time and said thank you.

Jungkook smiled back and whispered no problem to your neck.

Taehyung remembered watching the two of you, his heart melting. Some might think it was a simple gesture, but that was a moment of enlightenment for him.

When you know, you know.

"Take care of yourself." Taehyung reminded you for the last time. You didn't say anything more and just watched him leave.

As Taehyung entered his car, you suddenly remembered a portion of Sora's dying letter addressed to you.

"I'm leaving my little girl to you and Jungkook. Don't ask me about Taehyung. He's an idiot. Idiots can't take care of a child."

Huh.

You were starting to think Sora was just making an excuse. She knew Taehyung was not the idiot here.

It was you. And Sora was on a mission to change how you viewed life and yourself.

***

"Papa, where are we going?" Hanni's furrowed brows were cute to look at. However, Jungkook knew the little girl was trying not to cry. She thought she and Jungkook would go somewhere far again.

Hanni was sad the night they moved to the Jeon residence. Admittedly, it was not part of the plan. But Jungkook couldn't bear to stay in the same room as you—not after discovering that you viewed your relationship with him and Hanni as a burden.

Jungkook wouldn't mind if he was the only one affected. He was used to you leaving. But Hanni would get hurt, too. What would this little girl feel if she found out that her Mama didn't want to do anything with her? 

"Don't worry, sweetheart. We're just going on a vacation."

Captain Yoongi assigned a drug-related case to Jungkook, so he needed to go to Gangwon Prefecture to investigate. Jungkook was hesitant at first, mainly because he didn't know where to leave Hanni. He had no intention of hiring a babysitter for a whole week. He couldn't leave the kid to Mrs. Jeon either. She was an old woman who could barely stand. Jungkook's friends were all busy, too. Captain Yoongi assigned them individual cases, which were all complex.

Besides, Hanni was vulnerable now. She hadn't moved on from her parents' absence completely. It didn't help that you had left, too.

Hanni always asked about you, but Jungkook made many excuses, saying you were busy with work and that Sora needed a hand to save the rabbits, so you volunteered. 

Hanni was not happy to hear the same excuse. You promised to be with her for a hundred years. It hadn't been a year since you swore that, yet you were already gone.

You were a liar. Don't you love her anymore?

"It's just going to be seven days, darling. After that, we can go to your Aunt Ji-eun and Uncle Jongsuk's house. I won't glare at Beren, either. Just go with Papa for now, okay?"

"Okay," Hanni agreed but pouted her lips. She looked at the door to your bedroom, "I miss Mama. When will Mama come back?"

Jungkook and Hanni had moved back to the Kang residence three days after he made sure you had left Busan. The silence of the house was suffocating Jungkook, but he had no choice but to repress his pain.

He was learning from you. Weren't you the one who could pretend everything was alright even though it was all falling apart?

Jungkook needed to be strong for Hanni. However, it wasn't easy to do so. Hanni threw a fuss on the way to Gangwon Prefecture. As it turned out, the little kid didn't like traveling to far places.

Hanni vomited a lot, feeling dizzy from being inside the car for hours.

Jungkook was in a state of panic when they reached Gangwon. He deliberated bringing Hanni to the hospital, but Jimin called via phone and told Jungkook to contact Doctor Kim Seokjin first.

After the online consultation, Kim Seokjin said it was nothing serious and that Hanni just needed to rest. Because of this, Jungkook decided to postpone his investigation for a day.

He and Hanni ended up bonding inside their rented place. They watched movies, played games, and ate tasty food.

Captain Yoongi called at night, though. He said the investigation was an urgent matter. Jungkook couldn't leave Hanni alone, so after making sure that the police station was safe, Jungkook brought Hanni there.

Captain Yoongi was skeptical and wanted Jungkook to see why there were so many drug-related cases in Busan, yet all suspects were thrown to Gangwon Prefecture. Jungkook decided to talk to some of the inmates, but of course, he needed to talk to the head of Gangwon Police Station first.

With Hanni clinging to his arms, Jungkook stepped foot inside the station. He was greeted by a correction officer.

"Hello. I'm Busan's Police Lieutenant Jeon. I'm looking for Captain Choi."

The correction officer checked the computer system first. After confirming that Jungkook indeed had business with their Captain, the correction officer immediately led Jungkook to the Captain's office.

Jungkook brought Hanni, swearing that he had headphones and other games to distract the kid. She wouldn't interfere with the meeting.

The correction officer brushed it off. He said that the Captain usually brought along his children, too.

Jungkook felt at ease. He nodded at the correction officer and finally entered the Captain's room.

But what he saw made him question everything he thought he knew.

***

Your monotonous life passed by. It had been a while since you talked to Taehyung, yet you still refused to make do with your promise to him.

You have not contacted Jungkook yet.

You missed him terribly. You longed to see your little kid, too. But your heart shook every time you tried to contact them.

Just like now.

You dropped your phone on the table, clenching your fists that were shaking.

A stack of files filled your table and office, but you ignored them. Your attention was focused on your phone.

You had been meaning to call Jungkook, but your stupid heart wouldn't calm down.

You screamed internally.

Later. You'd do it later today.

***

Gangwon Police Station had seen it all: there were screaming criminals, crying accused, and police officers who were done with everything and just wanted to go home.

However, it never saw a grand reunion between two friends who had not seen each other in ten years.

Jungkook stared at the man in front of him. He used to be one of those boys who refused to cry as it showed weakness. But he couldn't care about it now.

Tears welled up in his eyes as he stared at his long-lost friend.

***

Your secretary was worried about you.

You had deadlines but were still looking dumbly at your phone instead of working. Mina wanted to snatch the little device and be the one to call whoever the one you'd been meaning to talk to.

Your secretary had never seen you this distressed. 

She sighed and thought, "Is my boss in love?" Then she cringed at the thought.

Nah. You're probably thinking of a way to solve a case.

It was impossible for you to be in love. Even if you were, she was sure it would be reciprocated.

You were easy to love.

***

Back in Gangwon Police Station, Jungkook was sitting nervously on the couch. Hanni was crawling around the Captain's office. She had toys to keep her company, so she wasn't interested in disturbing his Papa and the other guy with gentle eyes.

Mina couldn't take it anymore. She'd be damned if you didn't finish your work for today. She was about to waltz in your direction when your phone suddenly rang.

You recoiled.

It took three rings before you answered the call.

"Hello?" You introduced yourself for formalities, thinking that someone had unfortunately given away your personal contact information again.

You were about to tell the person on the other line not to contact this number again, but then you were cut off by a familiar voice.

The person on the other line knew your whole name. He mentioned it before proceeding to his business, "I'm calling from Gangwon Police Station. You need to come here now. There are two people here: One thirty-something male claiming to be your husband, and the other is a three-year-old girl claiming to be your daughter. They say they won't leave unless you, the mom of the family, pick them up."

There were no thoughts left in your head after that sentence. You immediately ended the call and stood up.

"Attorney, where are you going?" Mina panicked. You had work to do. You couldn't leave.

But you couldn't care less about your job right now. 

You needed to go.

Your family needed you.

***

The night wasn't young anymore when you reached Gangwon Police Station. The long drive took many hours. You couldn't sit still and fidgeted. Your dumb ass forgot to bring your phone since you were in a hurry. You also didn't have time to tell the driver to make a stop as you wanted to reach your destination as soon as possible.

Fortunately, the driver you hired was professional and was able to drive you to Gangwon without any problems. You paid the driver double and ran towards the station, feeling bad you couldn't give more thanks to the driver.

There was a far more important thing to deal with right now:

Jungkook and Hanni—your family.

"Mama!?" Hanni was the first one to spot you. Jungkook looked in your direction, too. A faint blush colored his cheeks upon seeing you. Jungkook carried Hanni and walked toward you.

No words were exchanged at first. The three of you silently squeezed into a tight embrace.

"Mama! Mama! Hanni misses you so much! " Your little girl was sobbing. She learned to count up to a hundred to track the days you were gone.

71 days. You were gone for seventy-one long days!

"Mama is here now, sweetheart." You kissed Hanni's forehead. Your knees were still weak from sitting in the car for too long. You couldn't carry Hanni yet.

Jungkook understood, but he couldn't hold back any longer.

"Come here," Jungkook's voice was raspy. His bloodshot eyes seemed not to take no for an answer.

You swallowed and stuck closer to him. Jungkook could carry Hanni with one hand. His other hand snaked to your shoulders. You had grown thinner. He could practically fit you in his hand.

"I miss you," Jungkook confessed honestly, and then he kissed your temple.

Blood rushed to your face. Your lips were trembling.

Jungkook grumbled and pulled you closer, acting like he wanted to melt your bodies together.

"I know everything now." He whispered in your ear.

You froze, unable to say anything. Your eyes wandered behind Jungkook.

The Captain of this station stood there, a small smile painted on his lips.

Captain Mingyu Choi. He was known as Mingyu Kim before he got married and took his wife's last name. Of course, you knew this person well. You fought tooth and nail to give him freedom. He was the main reason why you followed the Braun family. They told you they wouldn't involve the police and make sure Mingyu could still live his life. It might not be in Busan, but at least he lived freely here in Gangwon.

It was only today that Jungkook found out the truth. He had no idea that you kept in contact with Mingyu all these years. Jungkook seriously thought you had abandoned Mingyu for your dream.

Mingyu refuted this and told Jungkook the truth, "If it weren't for her, I'd probably end up in a ditch. She made a fair negotiation with the Braun Family. She knew that if she kept protesting, my life would have been ruined more." You studied well in law school and used all the allowance Mr. Braun gave you to fund Mingyu's lifestyle. The money you sent him fed his family and helped him train as a police officer.

Life was not too cruel to Mingyu because just a year after he moved to Gangwon, he met and married Miyeon Choi. It was you who suggested that Mingyu take his wife's last time. It would be easier for him to start a new life. Thankfully, the Braun family did not bother with Mingyu anymore.

You asked Mingyu if he wanted to get back at the Braun for what they did to him. Yes, the Braun family was powerful, but you were a lawyer now. You knew how to fight them. However, Mingyu didn't want more drama.

Mingyu shook his head, "There is no need for that. They tried to ruin my life, but they didn't succeed. Look at me now. I am a police officer. I have a beautiful and intelligent wife. We are happy with our two kids, too."

Call it toxic positivity or whatever, but Mingyu thought things turned out to be for the better. If Rico hadn't put those illegal drugs in his bag, then he wouldn't have met Miyeon. Living in Gangwon changed Mingyu's life for the better.

Jungkook was perplexed, though. He questioned why neither you nor Mingyu had ever told him about the truth. Apparently, it was Mingyu's idea. Mingyu knew Jungkook. He wouldn't stop in the name of justice. Mingyu appreciated it, but he just wanted to live a peaceful life.

Besides, Mingyu was embarrassed. He felt like he was why you and Jungkook had a fallout. He kept in touch with you and found out what happened to Sora and her husband. Mingyu was aware of your setup with Jungkook and was hoping the two of you would end up together this time.

Fate was cruel to you. Mingyu was dejected when he found out you and Jungkook broke up. He thought it was time to take the matter into his own hands and contacted Captain Yoongi. He corroborated with Busan's Captain to fix your relationship.

This was hitting two birds with one stone. Mingyu didn't want to avenge himself, but there were other people involved in this drug case. It wasn't just the Braun Family. In fact, the fall of Mingyu prompted the Braun clan to lay off drugs in Busan. There was a bigger person who was controlling the drug trade in Busan. They threw addicts and other scapegoats in Gangwon since this prefecture was rural and no one would dare investigate further. But Chief Kim and Captain Min had had enough. They needed to be more proactive to fix their city.

Jungkook would be involved, too. This was a case assigned to him, after all. Though he set this aside for now. He traveled all the way to Gangwon to deal with drugs, but he saw Mingyu, and everything turned upside down.

Mingyu helped him calm down before slowly and patiently explaining things to him. Jungkook understood but couldn't help but throw a tantrum. He told Mingyu he and Hanni would not leave the station unless you picked them up.

You and Mingyu must pacify him. He was the emperor now. He needed his empress.

Thankfully, you had arrived without the need for force. Mingyu could finally sigh in relief as he watched you and Jungkook talk affectionately.

After Jungkook told you what he knew, he batted his eyelashes and said, "You're here now. Won't you take pity on us? Won't you come back to us again?"

'But I've never left.' You wanted to say. Maybe you left physically, but it had always been him and Hanni since day one. 

Sora could rest assured now.

This time, you would never leave.

***

You, Hanni, and Jungkook returned to the place Jungkook rented for a week. Jungkook told Mingyu he would be back tomorrow to properly discuss the drug case, but for now, he needed time with his family first.

Mingyu said it was no problem at all. He was itching to go home, too. Miyeon and his kids were waiting for him.

"Mama, you won't leave again, right?" Hanni held your fingers. She was scared to sleep because what if she woke up later and you were no longer around?

"Not this time, kiddo. Sleep. We'll watch Antz when you wake up, hm?"

That earned a snort from Jungkook. You pinched his cheek and told him to stop being a jealous asshole.

He caught your hand and kissed it.

Hanni giggled when she saw you and Jungkook like this. After convincing her that you wouldn't break your promise, Hanni finally fell asleep.

It was just you and Jungkook now.

The place had two rooms. Jungkook made sure Hanni had her own space wherever they went. Thankfully, you did not shy away from sleeping with Jungkook.

This was for the better. You two needed to talk for real.

"Later." You pushed Jungkook away when he topped you and started trailing kisses all over your face and neck.

Jungkook groaned but obediently followed you. He awkwardly fixed his pants, which felt tight.

You cleared your throat and pretended not to notice the bulge in his pants. Damn it.

"We need to talk first, and no. You can't just say everything is okay. It's not. What I did to you and Hanni was shitty."

You thought Jungkook would be like an obedient dog and just nuzzle your neck. Surprisingly, he turned serious for once.

"You're right. It's shitty." Jungkook jutted his chin. "And I hated you for it. I hated how easy it was for you to leave us alone."

The grievances Jungkook felt when you left were insurmountable. It made him question if it wasn't worth it, but then he remembered what you felt all these years—how you hid everything and acted like the villain.

You never wanted to leave the first time. The circumstances forced you to do it. It was he who didn't realize what was happening.

But that's the thing. You never held it against him. He was young back then. You two were powerless. Your option was the easiest way to deal with it. You just did what you thought was for the best.

"But I'm not any better. I held you on this very high pedestal because I have loved you since the beginning. I was just too blinded by embarrassment and rage, so I failed to recognize what you meant to me."

Jungkook thought about what happened before. Sora, Taehyung, and the others never participated in the protest for Mingyu, but Jungkook never held it against them.

Jungkook recently started to wonder why. And that's when he realized that it was because he loved you.

It was a shitty excuse, though it was the only reasonable explanation why he got mad at you back then. Jungkook realized people tend to have strict and high standardsfor their loved ones.

Jungkook barely batted an eyelash when the others didn't want to protest, but when you told Jungkook the same thing, he got angry and started resenting you.

As it turned out, he resented you for no reason. His heart caved every time he remembered the truth. Mingyu's words echoed in his head it was making him feel bad.

Jungkook couldn't help but kiss you again. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too." You returned the kiss. "What I did to you and Hanni isn't excusable. I won't justify it, either. I'm just sorry I doubted your love for me."

The first time you left might not be your fault, but the second one was. Making promises meant nothing. This time, you would properly apologize and make do with your promise with action.

"Will you tell me?" Jungkook cupped your face and pecked at your lips. He couldn't help it. He was not the once bitten, twice shy type of person. You were addicting.

"Will you tell me how to love you right, babe?" Jungkook was on top of you again. He licked the seam of your lips. "How do I stop your pretty little head from doubting my love for you?"

You purred and rubbed your hips against his crotch. Jungkook was not like any other guy. He'd think of how to improve himself instead of punishing you for what you did.

He loved you so much.

"Just stay with me. Please. I'll be good now. I promise." You felt hot all over, urging Jungkook to unbutton your blouse.

He slowly undressed you as he kissed your neck down to your chest. Sweet. You smelled divine.

Jungkook embraced you while you wrapped your legs around his hips. Heat rolled to your belly. Jungkook pushed you against the headboard, and your back felt the velvet fabric tickling your naked back.

Jungkook was wearing his police uniform. He pinned both your hands to your head and locked them with his handcuff.

You gasped.

Jungkook's eyes pooled with desire when he saw you like this.

"I'll tie you like this if you dare leave me again."

It should've made you mad or embarrassed. Anything would do, but your treacherous body felt desire.

Only groans and moans and soft whimpers reverberated through the room.

'Tomorrow.' You promised yourself. 'We'll talk more tomorrow.'

***

Tomorrow came, and still, you and Jungkook hadn't talked. He got busy with work, and so did you. Mina had a breakdown on the other line, wondering where you went.

You apologized to your secretary and promised to finish your work. The week passed by with both you and Jungkook drowning with work. Hanni didn't have to worry about daycare since it was not formal schooling yet. You might have to enroll her in a formal school next year.

The topic of raising Hanni became your first priority when you went back to Busan.

You and Jungkook decided to raise Hanni in the Kang residence because traces of her departed parents were still here. You both swore not to make major changes in the house, as the decision depended on Hanni. This home belonged to her.

"I like it when we're like this." You embraced Jungkook. You two were slow dancing.

You were at a party tonight to celebrate the Lee couple's tenth wedding anniversary. Jungkook looked dashing in his black three-piece suit. Meanwhile, your boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes off you. He liked how you wore a pastel-colored dress. Jungkook couldn't get his hands off you that you arrived late at the party.

Your makeup was ruined, too. Damn this beast.

No one would have thought he was a monster in bed, though—not when he was holding you like a hatchling now.

"I like us all the time." Jungkook pressed his forehead against yours. He sighed in contentment. "Have I told you before why I got this tattoo here?"

Jungkook was referring to his bracelet tattoo. He was no longer covering it. He wore his wristwatch on his left hand.

"Not yet."

Jungkook hummed and told you the story. Back then, Captain Yoongi always made you, and the other kids do this gesture called Shinzo wo Sasageyo. It is meant to offer your heart. Yoongi never made the gesture but never failed to teach his students to practice it.

The Captain would tell you to practice the gesture during camping and training. It remained in Jungkook's heart, so when he realized his feelings for you, he thought, why not have his tattoo on his right wrist? This way, he could do the Shinzo wo Sasageyo gesture, giving him the illusion that he was offering his heart to you.

After all, the Shinzo Wo Sasageyo gesture included placing your fist against your chest.

"You found out you love me that early?" You were shocked.

Jungkook nodded, "At that time, I knew I had feelings for you, but I was too stubborn to admit it. I thought that maybe I'm just grateful to you. You gave me hope that time, you know?"

He was talking about the time he was in a depressive state after his mother fell ill. Your song touched his heart.

You bit your lips, realizing how much of an idiot you were. All the signs were already in front of you, yet you refused to see them.

Jungkook understood your expression.

"Hey," he lifted your chin. "Don't think about it anymore. I was never vocal with my feelings."

"I never told you I love you either." You kissed Jungkook's hand. "But I hope you know it now. I hope you know I love you."

"I'm not just aware of it. I feel it, too." Jungkook was so happy he could ascend to heaven right now. "And I love you too."

As it turned out, the only thing lacking in your relationship was the expression of those three words.

Jungkook wanted to hear you say you loved him. You felt the same, too.

From now on, you'd say it until the end of time.

***

As cliche as it might sound, you could proudly say time passed smoothly. You processed the legal documents until you and Jungkook were again declared Hanni's legal guardians.

Hanni was delighted. The good news happened during her fourth birthday. She felt she couldn't ask more, especially after you relented and gifted her a rabbit.

Rabbits were said to be docile animals. Unfortunately, Hanni's rabbit seemed to hate you.

The rabbit's called Daisy. It acted all sweet and cute when Jungkook and Hanni were around, but it turned hostile around you.

You expressed your grievance to your family, but they told you were overthinking it.

Until one day...

You were so busy with work that you had forgotten to feed the poor rabbit. You rushed to its hutch to feed it, but Hanni was there caressing it.

"You don't have to feed it, Mama." Hanni hugged her pet. "Mummy Sora told me she already fed Daisy."

Goosebumps pricked at your skin at that. You screamed Jungkook's name, and he attended to you at once.

"Hanni's scaring me! She said Sora fed that damn rabbit!"

"Don't be silly." Jungkook playfully pushed your shoulder before kissing it.

"It's true, Papa. I've dreamt about Mummy Sora earlier. She said she fed Daisy already."

Another wave of goosebumps attacked your skin when you saw the rabbit's food container. It was packed yesterday! Someone had already opened it!

You and Jungkook looked at each other in fear.

Hanni assured you, "Don't worry, Mama and Papa. Mummy Sora is very nice. She said she won't scare you guys."

The little girl giggled and told you to carry Daisy. "Mummy even said she talked to Daisy. Daisy will be a good girl now. She won't get angry at you."

Truth be told, the rabbit didn't snarl at you anymore. It even cooed when you touch its tiny nose.

"Yes!" You felt victorious.

Jungkook laughed at your reaction. The fear enveloping you vanished. You looked up and silently thanked your departed best friend.

Jungkook felt grateful, too. He lovingly looked at his loved ones before looking at the ceiling.

"I have a fiancée, a child, and a rabbit. What more could I ask for?"

- END -

for more JJK fics, just visit my profile. i highly appreciate likes, reblogs, specially comments 🩵 even if it's just a simple 💛

This fic is dedicated to Trixie, a.k.a, my sister and best friend.

When the Connie in this fic said, “When you know, you know.” I FELT THAT. When we started talking, I just knew we’d be close because we’re similar in many ways, except that you are better than me. Please don’t refute this statement because ‘you being better’ makes me want to become a better person, too. You are my inspiration, my peach.

Trixie, I can’t thank you enough for all the things you’ve done for me. Thank you for being my hope this 2023. This year started shitty, but it will not end with a bad taste in my mouth because of you. I love and cherish you so much. I didn’t know it was possible to love a friend this much.

Thank you for sharing your music with me. The way the narrator describes Y/N’s voice in this fic is just me gushing over your songs. May you continue pursuing your love for music. I will always support you. I don’t know how else to thank you, so just accept this fic. I keep you in mind while writing EVERY WORD in this fic—wondering if you’ll like it, so please enjoy reading.

Thanks again.

I love you so much.

With love, Your sister.

PLEASE LISTEN TO TRIXIE (Y/N) COVER OF THE SONG HERE

[nortonluv]

Richard sterling x prince (hunter) reader. I really like the classics 😒. I also think it would be a cute dynamic

Uh, one second while I just- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH.

Alr thank you for your time I'll get to writing now :3 I'm going out on a limb and guessing you want a male reader and not a gender neutral reader, but lmk if you want me to rewrite it for that.

Disobedience.

(Was written before I gained better understanding of his character so he may be ooc)

Masterlist

Warnings: Nothing you wouldn't expect of an Idv fanfic ig. Swearing, Mentions of aggression. (They kinda hate eachother through the first bit but trust the process), Fluff :3

Info: I originally intended to go for headcanons and then short little drabbles.. but ig this is what you get when you're hit with horrific brainrot for one character. [WRITTEN BEFORE HIS OFFICIAL RELEASE, I DONT REMEMBER IF PEOPLE LEAKED HIS ABILITIES SO IM KEEPING THAT DESCRIPTION MINIMAL]

Richard Sterling x Male! Hunter! Prince! Reader

---

This Manor isn't to my liking. Too small. Compact. Nobody listens to me either. Disrespectful little rats. Have they no idea who I am?

Have I really been forgotten by the world that quickly? Surely not. Sister would not have let that happen, I'm sure. Of the entire family, she loved me. She saw me. She saw me as I am, not as the misconceptions they've had of me since the day I was born.

My eyelids finally force themselves open as the curtains of the room I've been placed in are pushed open by an unremarkable face I will likely never remember. Nobody of importance, however, the woman bows and makes a swift exit as she meets my eyes. She had quickly muttered something along the lines of "Breakfast is ready to be served."

Hm. Food didn't seem to even get a rise out of me anymore. The thought having lost its appeal after my incident. Court of fools. Court of shrivelled cocks and frog faced women. Neither appealing yet praised as though they are Gods greatest gifts. Can't even protect their prince from something as simple-minded as poisons in his meals. I suppose I should make an appearance before my "games" today, see who I am to be matched against to begin with.

The newest survivors are often who I am matched with as I am a new hunter. The Lady Nightingale, as I have learned to refer to her as, has insisted that it is the best way for us to adapt to our situation. The Fire Investigator seems particularly taken by the poor burnt Puppet man. Ms Mora, although sometimes able to fool me, often lacks the correct facilities to correctly defend herself against me. However, the role that catches my eye upon the list of survivors I am to play against is The "Knight". A name not seen by the other hunters, according to Mr Desaulnier. He claims to have heard whispers amongst the staff attending to us all but he merely thought it to be just rumours and gossip. Of all the Hunters, Joseph Desaulnier has been the best example of what a friend is in this sort of situation. He has been respectful and taught me the ropes all he asks in return is my reciprocated respect.

My eyes scan over the heads of the survivors currently nearby, all familiar faces in a sense. Although I have not been here long, I am aware of the majority of the survivors present in the manor and their general styles. Nothing out of the ordinary, I suppose.

♡♡♡

I have vague memories of a handful of matches I've played in this place. The Red Church. Lots of walls and the main church building is rather open, often a cipher placed on there making the chase for the survivors slightly harder if they do not get enough distance in time. My goal for this match, however, is not to find my usual survivors. I understand them, I wish to study the new puzzling enigma that is the "Knight".

An odd sort of sight is given to us hunters that allows us to see the machines being worked on. Slight shakes on multiple at once, its only a matter of figuring out which would be best to go to. Church it is. Whoever is there, regardless of it being the one I want or not will likely try to pass off the kite to another as there was a sudden switch of the journalist to the composer. I am more likely to find one of their decoders but one can only hope to be so lucky.

As I make my way to the church an odd figure is there to greet me. He looks up from the machine in shock and takes a defensive stance, this allows me to get a better view of the man. His hair is long and perhaps considered unneat but in a charming sort of way. He wears an outfit that exudes the very concept of nobility to a high level most of my fathers court could not even pull off. His face is angular and a beauty mark sits below his lips to his right side. He regains his composure as he realises I am not here to attack him. The church is quiet as a cipher is finished most likely by the composer in the far corner. Aside from the large popping noise it makes nothing is said between us, not until he decides to open his lips.

"Are you not the one sent to hunt us all? I am I truly so intimidating that you have become incomplete." Stern words, harsh even but it does not bother me as it is the sort of taunting I have received many times through my time. His eyes narrow viciously. Two colours? I would not have noticed had I not taken this time to study him, his left eye a stony blue colour and his right, a deep brown with green tints in both. At this point to have been able to see this I have since gotten closer subconsciously. As though drawn to his prescense. I catch myself before i get too caught up in it all however.

"I am the Prince. Your Prince. Show more respect, if you truly deem yourself to be an honourable knight." He seems to smirk at my title and his confidence only appears to double.

"So a spoiled brat, demanding obedience as though all around are his new pet puppy dogs?" He's trying to get a reaction. His arrogance is almost reflective of my own however he must have a means to be doing this or is it simply for his own pleasure, as my reason had been to observe. "How rude. You are no Prince of mine, not until you prove it. So, shall we dance, Your Grace?"

My composure slips at the words and I feel the angered snear take over my features, my stance becomes more offensive and I begin to hastily move towards the cocky man. "Speak not of being a brat. You're disobedience will get you nowhere but a chair back to the manor."

The chase was not as long as I was expecting, I suppose he truly was arrogant in his abilities today. Time will tell if he masters his skills. A tie was all I could manage with the hinderance the Knights and my initial meeting gave me. I am forever grateful that the Faro Lady believes she can be a rescuer with her ability, a terrorshock is all it takes.

The Knight appears to want to become my antithesis. So that is all he shall be. An idea abstracted from my own and strange.

☆☆☆

- After the first meeting they appear to be forced together through consistent matches against one another or rumors spreading that the two knew eachother prior to the manor.

- False rumors but you suppose it is not completely unreasonable that a prince and a knight, or so his name claims him to be, to be closer than other roles within the manor.

- He says little to others, and when he does it is often sickeningly sweet words. Sugarcoated truths made to seem like the words are kinder than they are just to draw others in.

- few had fallen for it so he had abandoned such a tactic in favour of bothering you in some form.

- be it in matches, his improvement in the way he moves through each map having improved significantly. Easily gliding past obstacles and dodging your skills. A real pest.

- Tension seems to continuously rise with no seeming resolve in sight. That is until one day you walk past the music room.

- Expecting the violinist on the other side of the door as the melody continues on, only to be met with the closed eyes of the Knight as he plays a somber tune.

- You go unnoticed until the end of the song, a smile forming on your face. His eyes flash open as though some otherworldly being made him aware of your presence.

- A silent understanding forms between the two of you. As though no words were ever needed between the two of you, simply because you both understood.

- The tension dissipates within seconds.

- You and the "Knight" seem to find a deeper understanding of eachother over time. He learns of your past and attempts to sympathise with your unjust demise, while he shares stories of his past before the loss of his family.

- He wishes to find his 'sister' but as time passes he finds himself drawn to you, wishing never to leave your side.

- That is exactly what he does. He takes the role of a true Knight that protects his master, although he still has a tongue as sharp as a blade and swift wit that goes completely unmatched by most others in the manor.

- He cannot seem to ever truly listen to your commands, but suppose it is the thought that counts.

---- fin.

OKAY I LOWKEY FELT I WAS WAFFLING ON AND FORGOT WHAT I WAS WRITING, I DIDNT EVEN ADD SOME OF THE STUFF I WANTED TO CAUSE MY TIMES FOR WRITING WERE SO CLUNKY BUT HEY I GOT IT DONE EVENTUALLY!!

(Not proof read, I'll go back and get that done lol)

[olderthannetfic]

Although I agree that the Bechdel Test isn't the best way to wage if a film is feminist or not (remember that mess of Blue is the Warmest Color? Yeah), I do think it's a great way to highlight just how lazy some writers are, independently of their paycheck/time period they're writing in/many other historical and geographical factors.

We have very successful and praised writers who do this constantly, and have been doing so for their entire career (Christopher Nolan, Paul Thomas Anderson, Sam Mendes, etc), and no one thinks it's weird that we can get through 90~ movies of a story without these female characters either interacting with other female characters or that these two discuss something other than the male characters.

Sometimes these movies are delightful, technically superb, extremely well acted, but then I can't stop myself from going back and thinking about just how little women were in it, and how this very easily translates into how little consideration these screenwriters have of us. How forgettable we are, in their eyes.

I hate Tumblr's use of "X doesn't exist in a vacuum," but I do think it applies to these instances. Writing an entire script, which averages to 110 pages of story, and never noticing that there aren't two women with names who talk to each other isn't just something that comes out of nowhere (and, most times, I feel like the requirement for these writers to be able to pass the Test isn't even "Are there two women with names talking about something other than men?", but "Are there two women that aren't there just for the male characters?" It's basically a mixture of the Sexy Lamp Test and the Bechdel Test).

And, to conclude and pivot back to my main point about laziness: Tommy Wiseau's The Room passes the Bechdel Test; Lisa and her mother, Claudette, sit down and discuss Claudette's recent breast cancer diagnosis, as well as Lisa's employment situation. If a barely coherent movie written by a guy who didn't know what he was doing can pass it without issue, there is no reason as to why renewed, famous, extremely well-paid screenwriters can't do the same.

--

It's useful as a thought experiment, same as "Black people spoke X lines of dialogue in 2023 in [whatever]" type stats.

They're helpful because people go "Wait, how can it be that little???"

It's like all those experiments where people think women are "dominating" the conversation once there are over 30% women in the room or they're speaking 30% of the time or whatever it is. You knock people out of their unconscious bias with some hard numbers that get them thinking.

As long as we understand it as a "Wake up! The bar is in the floor!" thing about the whole industry and not a real test where a passing grade for a given movie means anything, it's fine. It's fine if some movies don't pass.

[lilithofpenandbook]

You know what, fuck Neville Longbottom.

He was NEVER supposed to be a sympathetic character! He's very clearly a character written to be made fun of for being ridiculous! Him being so scared of everything isn't an endearing character trait designed to evoke sympathy and understanding, it's a FLAW that's meant to make you wanna shake him and yell at him to get a fucking grip!

I grew up reading boarding school books, specifically the Enid Blyton ones, which I believe almost every single British child has read. The school stories are mostly traditionally girls' books, and they all have very similar character tropes and themes, some of which are shared with Harry Potter, which is a boarding school story. There's always at least one jokester, such as Alicia in Malory Towers. She's brilliant, intelligent, but she's rather unkind and thoughtless, and always pulls pranks, or rather tricks, on people, especially the one french teacher. She's exactly like Fred and George, practical jokers who are popular and well liked but not always very kind and don't always consider the outcome of their pranks. There's always an incredibly strict teacher the girls don't dare play funny with. In the third book there's this one teacher I cannot recall the name for, but she, I believe, is considered mean and strict and awful up until the end where it turns out she's actually got a good heart. She's not the level of pantomime meanness as Snape is, (perhaps because she's not a male teacher and also not teaching the kids something that could kill them all), but she's a similar trope.

Actually, Snape reminds of the teachers from the old Beano comic, overly strict and mean, but when you consider the shit those kids put them through you can kinda understand why. But ultimately, Snape is a classic children's trope: the mean strict teacher who actually deep inside would take care of the students.

Neville? He's ALSO a trope! The ridiculous coward!

Going back to Malory Towers, there's Mary-Lou. She's a very cowardly, nervous girl (and a sweetheart, but a scaredy cat nonetheless). And that's a FLAW. NOBODY SYMPATHISES WITH HER BECAUSE WHAT SHE'S AFRAID OF IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF! They at best pity her because it's a miserable way to live, but they don't support her for it. There are multiple full plots where the aim is her having to do something scary to get her to shake off this cowardliness, at least one outright organised by another character in an attempt to show her she can be brave.

Scaredy Cat characters in British children's media, especially in these school stories, are never scaredy cats to be sympathised with. They're there as a sort of comedic relief or to make things interesting, and are often considered a nuisance, the way Neville is! In the first book there's a very classic "you need to learn to stand up for yourself" piece involving Neville. Which he does!

People seem to be projecting all sorts of trauma onto Neville. Especially regarding Snape. There seems to be, in this current time, an attitude that him being a coward is something other people need to be accommodating for, and that he's a victim, especially regarding Snape. Neville is not a victim. He's not supposed to be accommodated for, especially in the climate he's living in. He exists as a comic character, and clearly to be a bit ironic as he's a coward in the house of courage. But regardless, his cowardice is not the result of trauma no matter how much people project it onto him and blame Snape for it.

Neville's cowardice is a flaw. It makes him ridiculous. He's afraid of absolutely nothing important at all. He's afraid of a teacher? That's absolutely stupid! Everyone laughs at him. Even he's aware that this is something stupid to be afraid of. He's more afraid of his grandmother, to the point that he didn't mention her because he was that afraid of her being his boggart. It just happened Lupin used the grandma, unaware of the situation, as an idea of how to make the boggart look ridiculous. So it makes me mad that people use the boggart scene as proof that Snape traumatised Neville. Neville is not traumatised. He's just an idiot.

Yes, I've gone there and I'm staying there. He is an idiot. He's frightened of stupid things. He keeps fucking up basic potions, basic spells, everything, to the point that McGonagall forbade him from doing anything in front of the visiting schools because he's that bad at everything. Can he help it?

Yes. He can help it. Instead of being a coward and crying about it, he can just as easily be confident, own up to it, and be more bold in trying to be better. His cowardly nature is what makes people lose respect for him. Something that makes sense considering the setting of the story!

Neville's arc is him growing up and getting confidence by going through difficulties and rising to meet them, not by other people gently helping him through his nonsense (and it is nonsense). That's not how things work in the setting of Hogwarts at all. In the setting and culture of Hogwarts, there's no gentle helping, it's "pull yourself together!". That's exactly the attitude everyone gives Neville, from the students to the teachers.

Neville's cowardice is ridiculous. It's as much of a flaw as Draco's arrogance, Snape's unpleasantness, McGonagall's competitiveness, and so on. He is not meant to be babied for it, or called "traumatised", he's meant to be scolded and shaken until he gets some sense knocked into him.

Snape's approach to Neville is exactly what you'd expect in this context. Maybe another teacher would have less of an unpleasant attitude about it, but in the end they WILL lose patience with him because all he's doing is not learning and trying to make him learn the same thing everyone else learnt last week is going to waste everyone's time. It makes zero sense to spend time trying to get one child to understand a basic concept that everyone else understood ages ago instead of moving with the curriculum. Snape is naturally mad at Neville for messing up the clear instructions that are right there on the board. He's rightfully mad about it. He's rightfully mad that Neville won't learn. He's rightfully mad that Neville's putting them in danger. Yes, he's got an unpleasant attitude, but he's right to be mad. He's also right to use Trevor to make Neville learn. People make it seem like he wanted to poison Neville to upset him. No. He was raising the stakes for Neville so that the love Neville had for his toad would force Neville to get his act together! Which is exactly what I'd expect from a teacher in this context dealing with a student like Neville! Fuck that, that's exactly what I would have done if I'd have had to deal with this idiot for multiple years and he still fucks up the simplest and clearest instructions. If Snape wanted Trevor hurt, he simply wouldn't have restored Trevor to his original state and killed him.

And lastly, not every unpleasant experience is a traumatic experience. One single unpleasant teacher is not going to traumatise Neville or anyone else! It's just a part of life. What, do you want everyone to be nice and coddle these kids so when they leave the safety of Hogwarts they aren't equipped to deal with people who are unpleasant? People love to project and find trauma in every unpleasant situation (for fucks sake they say DUMBLEDORE traumatised Tom when in reality Tom's a sulky baby who's mad that Dumbledore did not fawn over him like everyone else and actually called out his shit) but not every unpleasant situation is a traumatic situation!

And you know what, fuck it but some people have to go through a traumatic event to learn a fucking lesson. Dudley abused his cousin. Being "traumatised", or rather punished for his actions by being turned into a pig is what he deserved/needed, and even then did that stop him tormenting Harry? No! Draco being turned into a ferret? Yes, traumatising, but he's also a bully who needed to be taken down a peg! Neville being "traumatised" by Snape? Good! It may kick the cowardice out of him and make him a bit more cautious about dangerous potions!

Trauma is Snape being bullied by the Marauders for no reason, being abused by his father. Trauma is Harry being abused by the Dursleys. Trauma is what Ginny went through in her first year. Trauma is Neville having to see his parents there but not there when visiting them.

Trauma is NOT dealing with an unpleasant teacher.

Especially when you look at the context of when Harry Potter was written and where Hogwarts is set.

And Neville's cowardice isn't cute or endearing or something to baby, it's a fucking flaw that needs to be dealt with sternly.

[mapoeggplant]

shima’s development and character core // skip to loafer spoilers

if you’ve been following me, you know i like to pay a closer attention to shima’s growth and development, specially related to his relationship with mitsumi. that being said, i want to talk more about how much he changed after the breakup.

since chapter 46, i’ve seen a lot of changes in shima’s reaction, focusing way more on him double questioning himself and his feelings related to the way he treats mitsumi.

it’s painful. mitsumi was his first female friend and the first time he ever felt like taking a step further in his own, not accepting what it was given to him. and he lost that. and he thinks he lost it because of his own mind and insecurities, blaming himself for everything.

mitsumi, the person he loves the most (platonic or not), is distant from him. and this creates a whole new book of feelings: jealously, guilt, self hatred and impulsiveness. and that can be seen when he stands up for people he love, something he would once just not and smile.

but does he really has the right to do so?? is it honest for him to correct someone when he was the one who was once “using” with mitsumi without knowing his feelings first? is it fair for him to feel like this? is it fair that he be heard?

yes, he is hurt. it’s clear in his eyes, specially his last scene on chapter 50. he’s hurt but not by the things people did to him: he’s now the one who inflicted pain and doesn’t know how to get back what he lost. that’s because he doesn’t KNOW or even ALLOW himself to it.

what does it mean to love someone romantically when he never once felt jealous? what does it mean to care so much for someone when he was never cared to? what does it mean to give up of someone you love so dearly if he can’t even let it all go? how does one stop making excuses?

shima is a character written beautifully, specially because of his slowly but steady growth. he’s learning, finally having a life away from his trauma and away from people who chained him. he’s finally allowing himself to feel pain, now he needs to finally allow himself to be loved and to be heard. to build one’s confidence is hard and tricky, specially for a boy who never had a life of his own. to build a castle with only sand, one needs to be open to have it all crumble. he just needs to learn how to build it again.

what i love the most is how he never blamed mitsumi, not even once. i know there’s nothing to blame mitsumi for, but i’ve seen over and over again romantic stories blaming the girl for the male insecurities. but no. not right now.

his battle is his own, so his soldiers are the ones going to war, not mitsumi’s. he’s not the one to be pitied, nor is she, nor anyone. blame isn’t something to be shoved at someone, specially not to the girl who has nothing to do with HIS traumas.

i like and admire this about takamatsu-senpai’s writing. she doesn’t shift the blame or even makes shima the “good guy”. mitsumi isn’t a monster for standing up for herself - in fact, she should be celebrated.

shima is his traumas. shima is his mom’s expectations. shima is the empty house he comes back to everyday. shima is the boy who’s trying his best to finally understand his feelings and go after the girl he loves the most.

🌟 thread originally posted on twitter!

🌟 this is a flux of conscience! please forgive my gramatical mistakes