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scarlethoodi · 2 years ago

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Of course! I finished this book barely a few hours so everything is very fresh in my mind

1) I know it’s fictional world but I think the timeline the author set up just didn’t make any sense and for a futuristic technological advanced setting it should’ve been set idk a bit further in the future, but this isn’t my biggest issue I just think it’s a flimsy set up

2)The store calls the family’s gift weak but that really isn’t portrayed or explained well. Because if anything this is only relative depending on the gift or person. Like Kei’s gift if downright useless- I mean the ability to sense discomfort doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Meanwhile Keis’ gift of mind reading is actually good if she cared to learn how to use it. Alex’s gift only benefits her because of her passion so I guess that’s fine, a bit on the nose but still. And then with the adults it’s also a toss up depending on what gift you’re looking at.

Also let’s discuss if the risk is worth the reward cause her dad nearly died during his Calling and for what? A gentle touch

3)Auntie Elaine is both Voya’s dad’s sister and Alex’s mom who kind you is the oldest grandchild. So Elaine and Alex’s dad (I forget his name) got together and had a child and then later their siblings got together and had a child…yeah let’s take a minute with this

4)Speaking of the uncle what does it really mean to be genetically predisposed to addiction and if the technology was able to catch that 1)why start taking the substance in the first place and 2) can the technology not also help with the rehab

I’m all for exploring how things such as capitalism, discrimination, etc can affect a story so I settle on the idea that even with the technology poorer people who fall victim to their predisposed addictions suffer under these systems but still I can’t see the story even attempting to save that man and bring him back to the family

5) If Pure witches hate Impure ones so much then why is it that an Impure family is tasked with protecting Caribana? Like y’all clearly don’t care that much if you let this happen for the sake of 2 year protection and the same man who does the rituals teaches all of your children. Mind you who was more interesting than the whole Thomas family

6)The story keeps yo-yo ing on whether or not the family trust Voya but it doesn’t make sense for them to because she doesn’t have any leadership skill. But apparently she was chosen by both Mama Jova and her grandma cause she loved her family soooo much even though she really only hung out with Keis (and we saw what she did), constantly shittalked (in her head) the twin’s dad and was understandably not on the best terms with her dad. But yeah Alex “she’s the strongest of all of you,” Voya was at the very least childish but at worst ignorant and full of herself. Like who was she to get mad that the adults didn’t believe in her and went behind her back to perform an impure ritual to save Eden’s life. Mind you she showed multiple times she couldn’t/wouldn’t kill Luc. So the fact she’s rewarded at the end of everything just pissed me off.

7) I actually liked the idea of the sponsorship program and it’s seemingly “ethically” way of colonization (have emphasizes on the quotation). I mean that’s a premise in itself, taking children from lesser developed countries for set years to study over you with the looming threat that if you don’t prove your worth you be deport back to a place you haven’t seen in years.

8) The other witches (who names I don’t know as I had the audible): the woman who was cut off from both sides of her family despite being matriarch because her daughter was born without magic- this was actually an interesting segment. Combined with the later reveal that Elaine was trying to figure out how gene manipulation could save magic but ultimately failing. And so the timeline goes by the time the magic-less daughter reached 18 without a gift and within the week Elaine was murdered sacrificed and Justin lost his dad and spiraled off the deep end.

9) Why did no one care that Voya was hallucinating? Like even before attacking Luc she was doing it and intervention should’ve occurred earlier. Cause then she ruined the ritual and damn near died because of this. Like they just write it off as the side effects of long callings though the story also keeps debating whether or not it wants the belief of “long calling equal strong gifts” to be true or not.

10) Not only did Mama Jova task to “destroy your first love” make no sense and even less the choice Voya unforgivable choose but if the whipping scene was supposed to make sense of the task it didn’t, cause she didn’t do anything to her first love-they we’re both slaves and most likely would died that day if it weren’t for her magic lashing out after they boy was shot. And then for both Mama Jova and her grandma to be proud that she completed the task without any acknowledgment of what it truly means for Keis, you know the one who’s life was destroyed, but mind you this was all kinda pointless cause 1) if she touched Luc that day he’d still be alive anyways and 2) the adults bounded everyone’s magic to the house cause they were rightfully afraid of Voya failing.

And despite what the story wants you to think, she might as well have

Blood like Magic and why I’ll be considering myself a hater

@tea-and-a-clandestine-agenda

I’m going to start off by saying I’m 90% into the book, meaning I haven’t finished it yet but I know enough about it to criticise the fuck out of it. This is going to contain spoilers lol.

Firstly, that book cover is absolutely gorgeous. This book does have one (1) good thing and it is the very talented illustrator who created the cover —whoever they are, I applaud them because they made Voya look cool and not irritating and dumb.

The premise of the book is interesting. We’re in a near-future Toronto where witch communities exist. Now, these witches are unique in how their characteristic bit of magic is granted to them by their ancestors after they have their first Bleeding (aka period for whoever has a uterus and very gross eye-and-ear bleeding for whoever doesn’t). The process through which a witch acquires their unique magic goes as follows: after the Bleeding, one of their ancestors Call them, set a trial for them and if they pass, good for them! They have their magic now! If they don’t pass, they don’t get magic and are thus seen as pariahs by their fellow witches. Now, enter Voya Thomas. She’s part of Toronto’s Black witch community and has both African and Trinidadian ancestry —also, she likes to cook, a lot, food is her life and the very air she breathes. Voya has had her Bleeding and is Called by ‘Mama Jova’ —an ancestor who lived as a slave in Antebellum America and died being whipped to death by her enslavers after the love of her life was murdered. Mama Jova tells Voya she needs to ‘destroy her first love’; otherwise, her whole family will lose their magic and her little sister, whose life is tethered to that magic, will die. Therefore, Voya starts a journey trying to find her first love in Luc (a guy she meets in a conference at this mega-important company).

My first problem with the book is the very basis on which the plot stands. Never will I believe that a woman who saw her lover being murdered (and also who sacrificed herself in order to help other enslaved people escape their enslavers) entreated her descendant to ruin someone they hold close to their hearts. How? Just how? It’s stupid, it doesn’t make sense. She died saving other people and now she wants her descendant to suffer much like she did and she wants her descendant to orchestrate that? And she’s going as far as to promising to kill a child and ruin what she died to protect in order to get her way? I call bullshit. Utter, fucking bullshit. Mama Jova’s a joke, I tell you.

I tried to look pass that because this is the author’s debut novel and it has a high rating on Goodreads, though. I thought Mama Jova didn’t really mean what she asked Voya to do… but she did, and Voya handled it all in such a fucking stupid way. I can’t with her.

Okay, so in the process of trying to determine how she’s going to approach her task Voya:

Falls in love with Luc

Finds out that Luc’s ‘sponsor dad’ (aka the CEO of the mega-important company Luc works in, who is called, in-text, a neo-coloniser because he brought Luc to Canada from Mexico in order to brainwash him about the importance of his company) was responsible for the death of her forgotten aunt and the near-downfall of her whole community

Realises that Mama Jova wasn’t only referring to her first romantic love, but to her first platonic love, too, meaning that now Voya needs to choose whether to destroy Luc or her cousin Keis (aka her best friend)

Realises that Mama Jova’s ‘destroy’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘kil’: it can also mean ‘ruin their life’ which is so much better, right? Agh, Mama Jova is so charitable!

All throughout the book, Keis is Voya’s biggest support. She’s someone who wants to look beyond her witch identity and wants to get an education! She wants to work! Be independent! Be free from her family’s limitations! Towards the end of the book, Keis achieves just what she wants in the form of an internship in the mega-important company.

Now, if Voya were to choose to ruin Luc’s life, that would mean he wouldn’t be able to inherit his sponsor dad’s mega-important company (and spoiler: the sponsor dad is the bad guy of the story); if Voya were to choose to ruin Keis’s life, that would mean she would be trapped in her house forever, unable to forge herself a future, not even allowed to step foot out of her house. Luc is well-off, and having spent virtually all his formative years in the mega-important company, he can easily get a position elsewhere. Keis comes from a working-class family and having her life ruined = depending on her family for the rest of her life + not being allowed to leave her house.

So, Voya, as the paragon of common sense, chooses to *insert Semana Santa drums rolling* RUIN KEIS’S LIFE. I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, SHE DAMNED HER BEST FRIEND AND COUSIN TO LIVING IN A PRISON ALL HER LIFE.

Her argument? ‘She’ll survive uwu’

Luc, obviously, won’t survive a life without his privileges.

Be fucking for real.

I hate this so much. So fucking much. And do you know what happens just after she ruins her cousins life? Luc’s sponsor dad kidnaps her whole family! Because you know he’s the villain! Voya could’ve killed him and she chose to imprison her cousin!

The last 10% of the book will tackle that, I suppose. Depending on how bad it’s handled I will choose whether to read the next book or not.

Now, ✨a list of the things I’m petty about✨

The family dynamic -> Voya’s family is comprised of: her cousin Keis, Kei’s twin sister Keisha (fun fact! Keis’s full name is also Keisha), her other cousin Alex, her mother, her father, her father’s current wife (this is a huge side-eye ngl), her half-sister (aka the one who could’ve died), Keis’s mother and father (who are divorced) and her grandmother (the matriarch of the family). The family has a lot of members, is somewhat messy, and I couldn’t connect with any of the characters. Also, you wouldn’t caught me dead living under the same roof with my divorced husband; I’m sorry but wtf

The technology -> just no. In this near-future Canada people can rate each other, find each other’s location with a click and more things out of that one Black Mirror episode, and no one bats an eyelash at this. If this is were the future I’m supposed to be an adult in, I promise I would commit a very rash decision and fling myself out my window, sorry not sorry. Morally, I’m against every technological advancement that this books stands for and it’s making me sick that the hyper-digitalisation is never discussed in anything but a bad light

People go around with a pronoun tags and they introduce themselves with a ‘hello my name is xyz and my pronouns are something/other’ and yet you have to show whether you have XX or XY chromosomes in your ID card? I’m sorry but we don’t showcase someone’s genetic makeup today, why would a more progressive society do it? What I’m going to say is going to sound horrible, but it just feels like a way to thrust in unnecessary transphobia for sake’s sake (I should add that the author’s cis)

Food -> Voya loves food, so much so that she makes her internal dialogue all about food. She could be describing a scene where Mama Jova or another person are being whipped to almost death and she would be comparing their blood to a crème brûlée or something. In fact, there are whipping scenes in the book and I believe she does compare them to food. It’s exhausting. She makes her whole personality about food and it’s exhausting

So-called impure witches -> the witch community is divided into impure witches (who kill and torture in order to gain heightened magic) and pure witches (who don’t) and I hate the very existence of impure witches. Apparently they pick their victims at random and that’s supposed to be fine by us? Voya’s family is one of pure witches, but still it makes me queasy how her internal dialogue somewhat implies that impure witches are uwu not that bad

There’s a line about a gay witch having used in-vitro fertilisation and surrogacy to have like six children. It made me uncomfortable because I’m very hesitant about surrogacy + apparently his children don’t want to know about their mothers, which seems like a very out-of-touch conception of surrogacy and other types of unconventional ways of starting a family. Idk, I’m on adoptee TikTok and it’s made me think about these things

I don’t like any of the characters aside from Keis and maybe Luc

#whew this is a lot #I listened to the audiobook so I can’t remember most of the adult names #anyways I rated the story 3/5 #like the beginning of it wasn’t too bad #just at times it wasn’t going anywhere #but then that ending was such an unnecessary turn of events #but apparently since shit’s in the past Voya doesn’t need to think about things #lmao okay yeah I hope Keis hates her forever

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writingwithcolor · 3 years ago

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Desexualized Mammy & Strong Black Woman, too busy for “frivolous love”

“Alyse” (Anon Submission) asked:

My science fiction story includes a black woman (Talia) who raises two children that aren’t her own and takes on two young adults as apprentices. One of the children she is raises has Arabic background and was taken into her home upon his father’s death (his mother’s whereabouts are unknown). She was a close friend of his father and the closest thing he had to a relative. The second child has mixed French-Latinx background and was taken in after becoming shipwrecked with no means by which to contact her people. Talia was the first non-hostile individual she encountered and one of the few who would so openly embrace a stranger. Since Talia is Master Medic (the highest medical authority in her community) she is training two apprentices (think residency) and eventually mentors the second child as well. She was once married and passionately in love but lost her husband to illness. In this setting, some technology we take for granted is inaccessible and violence against their people is commonplace. Most have experienced sudden loss. This particular loss was the catalyst that drove Talia into medicine- a desire to protect her loved ones and prevent others from experiencing similar tragedy. She is usually kind (though businesslike) but sometimes succumbs to a frigid, furious depression when, despite all her knowledge and determination, she can’t save someone.

I worry that her maternal association with the two children (one of whom is an outsider) mires her in the mammy trope. On top of that, she hasn’t pursued romance since the death of her husband. I’ve considered giving her a romantic subplot but there are already so many characters to keep track of. Furthermore, I just can’t see her engaging in the frivolous pursuits of new love when she’s dealing with kids, students, and an extremely taxing career.

In terms of race and culture in this story, practically every character can trace their ancestry back to populations displaced through war. Even Talia’s second child was shipwrecked during a botched evacuation from a military science lab. The people who live here have been isolated for generations and no longer have a real concept of their ancestry. Cultures have blended, new religions have formed, and many of our familiar racial/ethnic issues are forgotten. However, new and different but equally toxic ones have replaced them. In this way, Talia’s blackness doesn’t carry the same associations in her world as it would in ours. However, readers may still make these associations. Do you see any issues with her character that I could amend?

So! You have:

A highly educated Black-coded woman (the highest medical authority in the community)

She raises two kids alone

She also looks after two apprentices

She is widowed (not sure the race of the husband, was he Black?)

Having experienced heartbreaking love, Talia's drive to look after, protect and save people through medicine is a great motivation for the way she is. Her experiencing depression and taking losses seriously is also very human and is dynamic characterization.

However, such characterization with Black women is prone to brush across several tropes. You have a Black woman who gives and protects, but what does she get in return? Who cares for her?

Prioritize your Black character’s happiness

"I’ve considered giving her a romantic subplot but there are already so many characters to keep track of. Furthermore, I just can’t see her engaging in the frivolous pursuits of new love when she’s dealing with kids, students, and an extremely taxing career."

Priorities, priorities. Is love a frivolous pursuit in her eyes, or yours? Because I strongly disagree. You probably don't mean to but you, as the author, having an excuse to NOT give the Black woman romance is showing that you do not think she's worth being loved. TV viewers and stans who are uncomfortable when Black women characters have relationships find similar excuses to explain away not wanting BW in relationships.

"She's too strong and independent for a man/relationship"

"I liked her better alone."

"It'll take away from her character."

“A romance doesn’t feel right for her”

These sorts of statements above are grounded in racialized misogyny.

Relationships do not lessen the woman.

Relationships does not lessen Black women.

Love

Whether that love is romantic, familial, or friendship, it can come in many forms. Give Talia love. Because Black women characters deserve it! Either one or all!

Let her have a loyal best friend, a cat, and a girlfriend. Because why not? And not to downplay the love of children to parents, but please provide her love beyond what she gets on a maternal level from the children she looks after.

The stories that Black women are in today severely lack love for us, so why add to the narrative of Black women being all work and no play, and too [insert excuse here] to be loved?

Of course, you didn't provide all the details from your story, but I'm not seeing much of a balance from the struggle. She is a caretaker, teacher, doctor (or doctor-like figure).

Her position and background in itself is okay. It's the Strong Black Woman being presented with seemingly no commentary that strikes me.

Where is her team to help balance the weight of the world?

Who takes care of her when she's depressed from another loss?

What does she get in return from taking an emotional and physical toll to heal her community?

Do those around her recognize all she does for them and offer their friendship?

When does she get to relax and turn off the need to be everything for everybody?

Fitting love into a book with many characters

There are many books with several characters to keep track of. People tend to manage. Also, I'm sure some of those characters are in and/or out of relationships. Even stories that couldn’t be classified as romances have relationships of some sort. It’s unrealistic to have a ton of characters and none of them be in relationship(s) of some sort. Not when there’s so many forms of it and many sexualities.

Friends, frenemies, enemies, romance, affairs.. Relationships make stories (and life) interesting. By no means do I think adding these dynamics harm your tale. And what’s one more for a hard-working Black woman who sacrifices a lot and clearly deserves a shoulder to lean on? And, if you use an existing character to be that friend, family, or lover, then you won’t need to pencil in another character.

For romance specifically - I think a misconception when it comes to including romance in stories is that they have to somehow take over the story. Romance does not have to bombard the plot nor be described in lavish detail. Not every story is a romance and those sort of details aren’t everyone’s style or things they’re comfortable with. A sentence or two establishing relationships does not take away from the story.And how those relationships look and affections expressed will vary based on the characters, sexuality, etc.

Not every character needs to have a deep level of detail.

“Katie and Lisa, a newly engaged couple, walked into the meeting.”

“Jack and Jamie are a married couple in their 40s.”

“The two met in college. After two months of blissful courtship, they eloped, eager to start their happily ever afters. Twenty years together, they were still blissfully in love and never too far from one another.”

Sentences like the above are enough for some characters. You don’t always need to put in paragraphs worth of relationship-establishing details or plot.

When it comes to the characters whose love you would like to highlight, at least a bit, you still don’t have to go over the top.

Use subtle details.

“As soon as Talia’s back was turned, he gave her a longing look before shaking his head and getting back to the patient.”

“He squeezed her hand before taking hold of the stethoscope.”

“She kissed her wife goodbye before racing out the door.”

“You mean the world to me.” he had said, holding her face. Those words stayed with her all day, making her heavy load light as a sack of feathers.

“She soaked his shirt with her tears and he just held her tight, saying nothing, silently holding her together.”

As for Talia specifically…

Talia having the mindset you described, as love being frivolous and not a priority, is understandable knowing her background (I just don't agree with you as the creator using this as a means to keep her alone. Whether she’s romantically alone or without close friendships). She has lost so much, and continues to experience loss with patients. This can be extremely traumatizing. I gave some examples of being subtle, so perhaps that will help with the burden of feeling a thick subplot of romance doesn’t fit in your story.

And as Talia doesn’t strike me as someone who would go looking for companionship, what if she stumbles upon it without trying? Is there someone on the medical team that can offer her friendship? Someone who admires her and feels the urge to care for her that she feels the same for, or has pushed feelings down for? What happens when she can’t hold those feelings down anymore?

Takeaway

Talia deserves healthy love, even if she doesn’t believe it or feel she has time for it. That love can come in any and many forms, not necessarily romantically required, although it is a plus. A struggle-ridden novel is balanced by love, support and rest for characters that hold the weight of the world. If you do not, evaluate why you want to write Black characters in these struggle roles without at least a social commentary.

~Mod Colette

#Black women #Strong Black Woman #Mammy #relationships #romance #asks

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moonchildridden · 2 years ago

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NottPun, that couple (who’re not exactly a couple) that showed a lot of nuances in less than an hour: attention seekers, maybe jealousy, secret crushes, fear, pressure and the need for allies (Episode 2)

Hi. Hello. It’s moonchild here. You guys can’t see but my brain is burning right now as a write this, with the amount of things I’m thinking and how messy everything is in here. Why is that happening, you may ask? War Of Y: New Ship second episode just dropped. And I have things to say about it.

I would like to say first that this episode was I-N-T-E-N-S-E and A LOT of things happened, whether they were on the nose or not, and also dropped LORE about what the hell is going on around NottPun, the type of relationship they have and how the industry is affecting them. Most of things that happened were a continuity of the themes I explained in my first post about them and others were a new highlight on things that were shown but not so much.

Second, I cannot stress this enough, the fact that we still don’t have the posts/comments/messages translated is a big hindrance to my full enjoyment of the story. I shouldn’t have to go out of my way to translate things so I can understand the meat of the story, and being susceptible of having the wrong translations and, by default, understand things wrong also. Luckily, even if the translations are a bit…off…because I know the context of their placement, is kinda easy to see what was said and how it affected and impacted the story.

Third, again, this episode was intense. Not because it shoved a lot of ugly things about the industry in our faces just like the first one did but because it went deeper into Pun’s inner life and struggles, his weaknesses and how everything he absorbs made him the man he is, with all that seemingly rude and diva like behavior. It also went into details about his dynamics with Nott and dropped more hints about how both of them may be exactly what the other need.

Because I need to be a responsible adult, I need to make my usual disclaimers before getting started: everything that you guys will be reading in this post is the result of my observations into very specific parts of the episode, frame by frame repetitive viewing and me getting to the most plausible conclusion after taking all in, meaning that most of the things will be on the speculative territory, others in (maybe) theory territory and some can (or so I think) be proven by in-dialogues and scenes arrangements, so take things with a grain of salt, ok?

I’ll try, albeit I may not managed to do that the way I want, to divide this post into segments to facilitate your understanding of my thought process, and those segments will follow the order of events presented in the episode, with things in bold being mostly dialogues and things in italic being me emphasizing or exaggerating my thoughts.

Contrary to what I did before, instead of talking about themes as a whole, I will discuss the events that transpired in the episode and try to tie them with the themes I identified in the first episode. And because there is continuity of themes in this episode, I will reference a few things that I wrote in my last post, but no need to worry about needing to read that post first because I will paraphrase when necessary. But after this, you can check it out, it was a blast writing that.

So, without further ado, let’s get this started.

1. Approval + attention + validation = a desire to exist within the industry

When I made the character profile of Pun in the previous post, I said that he gets a high in being adored and that he’s the type of person willing to do everything he can to get what he wants, and nothing showcases that better than him researching about the TTV’s producer that was going to visit the set where they were shooting Mafia Baby’s second season and using the information he got to “impress” the man and have a big chance of working with him.

Pun projects specific images of himself to certain people and he tries to sell the image that he deems best to a specific person. To the TTV producer, he tries to appear interested in his works, in the cast and crew’s well-being, in being nice and always willing to do his utmost best in the pursuit of doing a good job. To the crew and rest of the cast, he shows a distant and cold man, someone who’s above all of them and should have his desires granted as soon as they are vocalized or expressed. To his fans, he shows a sensitive and caring man, someone worth of being adored and taken care of, someone whom they can put their trust in and follow without an issue. None of those images are really what he is, his real personality.

We barely know who we really are and it can take years to have a glimpse of our real personality, what we really are on the inside and not what the world thinks about us. When the subject is famous people, this notion of not having knowledge of their real personality doubles because the person we see on screen can by anything and we only see what they want us to see, when they want us to see, and Pun is a good example of that. The way he seems to push away people behind the cameras but seems welcoming in front of them, the way he is nice to some but rude to others, the way he keeps some people close but push away others is a classic depiction of the volatility of the human personality and how someone can have “many faces” and we’ll never know which one is the real one.

Pun uses this volatility to fulfill some sort of “need” for approval and/or attention and that supposed need is more related to the industry itself and not him, as Pun. Between his real self and the personas he show the world there is a wall, and the images he projects act as a mask to hide what he thinks he should not be showing, who he really his, so he can survive in the industry and that surviving can only be attained through validation as the persona Pun, the actor, that in turn will become validation as Pun, the real person, the one almost no one knows about.

And so, he fights to get attention (from fans, from sponsors, from producers, pretty much anyone who can catapult him higher), then he fights to get approval (comments on social media, from producers, filming crew, etc.) and in the end he grabs any chance he can get to reach the validation he needs (awards and a more permanent stay in the industry) and continue to feed the personas he created to hide his real self.

2. Romantic jealousy versus Professional envy

One thing that I noticed (kinda late) is that it seems that we are getting the story mostly through Pun’s perspective, meaning that the only way we can get any glimpse of other character’s behavior and intentions is by analyzing the way they interact with Pun and the dialogues they have with him. Nott’s behavior, for instance, is the strongest indicator of this, being him the other main protagonist alongside Pun, making things a bit difficult to actually see because we need to take into account that Nott and Pun are two actors, doing their job, but they are also separate people, meaning that we shouldn’t only look at their attitudes together as a result of their professional relationship but also look into their personal relationship; and here is where things become murkier.

What we need to understand here first is that Nott also wants to maintain a foot in the industry, even if he doesn’t seem to go through almost extreme lengths like Pun to do that. And so, because he wants to secure his place, he also needs to catch attention of the producers that appear in his way, because we never know when luck struck and the opportunity comes knocking in our door. However, the only reaction we have from him in relation to the TTV’s producer visit to the set is annoyance; annoyance because Pun seemed too interested in getting Tai’s attention.

That annoyance begs the question, what is the reason Nott didn’t seem to like Tai’s presence that day, when what he should be doing was show that he could be a good addition to whatever project Tai may have?. One could argue that Nott was feeling threatened by Pun’s ability to charm producers and steal his opportunities but that falls flat when Nott did nothing himself to also grabs the producer’s attention and instead spent his time expressing his dissatisfaction of Pun’s behavior and telling Pun that it was enough that he was taking advantage of him, Pun shouldn’t do that to others, gaining a “how many people I decide to do it with is up to him” and “mind your own business” as a response from Pun.

With that, I know pose the question: is it really farfetched to think that Nott’s behavior stems from some sort of romantic jealousy, when the way he acted supports that? How much can we infer that his actions were of someone feeling that with Pun getting attention, his days on the industry were counted? Can we assume that Nott feels that his fame is attached to Pun and the fact that they are a shipped couple, so he is doing all he can to keep Pun by his side and, by proxy, his fame intact? Or can we view the little altercation in front of the ice machine, where Nott ate the ice put there specifically to Pun, and used the excuse that Pun gave the ice to others (by “others” here we understand TTV’s producer), so he also could have some, as an attitude who didn’t like that the object of his affection is showing interest in other people? When does Nott’s actions stop being of someone who supposedly likes Pun and becomes something a disgruntled partner would do?

How blurry are those two lines? Can we really consider the existence of them or there is only one, the romantic one, which can be ramified to other ones, using them as camouflage?

3. How social media warped our views and understanding of human relations

Social media, in theory, is a place that can unify large groups of people in one single place, connect people who wouldn’t otherwise have the chance to do so and reconnect long lost acquainted people after many years of contact lost. When we get to the real life, however, social media become a mine field, where everyone is playing mine sweeper and those who are unfortunate enough to step on mined tiles are used as cautionary tales as to what not to do in certain situations. Someday, we will all step on a mined tile, is inevitable.

In the industry, no matter which one, social media is used a metric of evaluation of authenticity of famous people relationship with each other and also as a big sized projection of individual ideas of how human relations should be and their boundaries. In the BL industry, the industry being scrutinized in this episode, the fans really like to use social media to dictate how their faves should behave towards other people, especially when in regards to the actors and their shipped couples.

If an actor X tweets something and their shipped couple does not reply, there is a problem. If actor Y posts something on Instagram and their shipped couple does not like the post, they clearly had a fight and don’t talk with each other. If actor Z does not post a story with their shipped couple, they hate each other. Social media became the only source of validation of authenticity of actors personal relationship with each other and anything that is not shown, any interaction that is not broadcasted, it simply does not exist and so can’t be used to prove that the actors don’t secretly hate each other and only tolerate the other because the work they have together demands them to.

And god forbids the actors have a “fight” or simply disagree with one another, it is definitive proof that they really don’t like each other, they are being forced to be together, and all the schmutz that is associated with fanservice (I will talk about that later).

Going into what happened between NottPun, it is a situation that even if it’s not good, can happen with anyone when they are simply not in the mood to that type of “joke”. Pun is not exactly a lively person and the chances of him being already in a bad mood are kinda high, so when he sees Nott eating his ice, he is not pleased. Then Nott starts doing a live without asking Pun, kisses him on the cheek without asking beforehand, irritating even more someone who’s already annoyed by him and the result was kinda obvious; it is was something being made between closed doors, probably it wouldn’t have being an issue but the fact that that specific event was broadcasted, thus creating a snowball that kept rolling downhill.

That snowball was created mainly through the comments and twitter posts (that international viewers did not had full access to) and for what I managed to gather in my scuffed translations, it went from saying that NottPun did not promoted/talked about the queer community to calling what happened between them during those few seconds clip a case of sexual harassment. And even after the tweet Pun made on Nott’s twitter account, explaining that what happened had mislead many people, that they pretend to tease each other like that and apologizing to Pun and his fans, things were already out of hand, with some not believing on the tweet, other asking how could he “blame the fans” (by saying that they misinterpreted the situation) and other just being a mixture of the earlier comments.

Things were ugly on the fan’s side of things. And were also getting ugly on NottPun’s side too.

[Side note here because even if this happened during the swarm of comments regarding the clip of them “fighting”, I feel like I need to talk about this now. I said in the last post that Pun seemed to recoil every time someone touched/tried to touch him except when the person doing the touching was his manager or Nott. When Nott pressed Pun on the glass, it was the second time in a row we saw him not feeling comfortable with Nott touching him and actively pushing him away, with the first being the situation that caused all of this mess. And, again because the comments that were plastered on screen during that scene were not translated, it gets a bit difficult to feel the tone of the scene but it is very telling that one of the comments mentioned “consent”, tying back with the other comment talking about sexual harassment.

I know it was not something random, because everything that happened so far wasn’t, so it has to mean something. Either being to sparkle conversation about boundaries between actors and what kind of touch they are allowed to do with each other, to show how we take our own conclusions when presented with a situation, even if it’s a very strong stretch, or a combination of both, we cannot deny that Nott touching Pun like that was a middle no-no, and Pun makes that clear by saying “if I didn’t tell you what to do (i.e. give you permission), you have no right (of doing what you did)”; that means that Nott only touches Pun because Pun allows him to and there are certain situations where Nott’s touch is not welcomed. And Nott, at least, understood that.]

Going back to the social media stuff, the fans seem to think that every aspect of a relationship must be broadcasted and when that does not happen, either there is something wrong or the relationship itself does not exist. And that way of thinking becomes toxic because it literally forces the actors to maintain a facade and post about every step they make, everything they do, just to prove to a bunch of people online that feel entitled to their entire lives just because they are famous, that the relationship that exists between them and their shipping partner is not strictly professional, that is not fake. And being obligated to maintain that facade, soon or later, can create strains in the relationship and, if something happens and the relation falls apart, someone people will use that as “proof” that they were right, when they were the reason the relationship failed in the first place.

4. Theory of easy replacement (i.e. Apparent lack of space within the industry/dispute between BL actors

The first theme that I identified in my post about episode 1 was that the industry makes it seem like there isn’t enough space to every BL actor to exist and that for every actor that rises in fame, other must fall to give them space. Pun’s seemingly need for attention/approval/validation can also stem from his fear of “being replaced” in the industry, and that is shown in two ways:

1 – Pun seeing Tai’s attention on GusBew is seeing here, through his perspective, as a threat to his goals of securing a role in any future project that Tai may have. After the scene where Tai is watching GusBew rehearse their scene, there is a tweet shown that basically says that the OP is feeling bored of the old couple (NottPun), because all they do is fanservice (hey, look fanservice being mentioned again!) but the new couple (GusBew) is the one they are secretly cheering for because they give a fresh, shy, happy look and also have good space (?) between them, maybe alluding to the sexual harassment and consent thing.

2 – That fear of being replaced, coupled with the pressure Pun was feeling because of the comments he was reading online were the reason he had his first panic attack while shooting for the love scene, which was not a coincidence. First we had Pun telling Nott that because they know each other for a good amount of time he did not need to like his posts on social media or do any other service (I’m still trying to understand the correlation between those two topics, so if anyone manages to get it, please comment so I can see) and to stay away from him, to which Nott reacted with some indignation, getting a “come on, do as I say” as a response from Pun. Then, we had Nott telling Pun to “do it for him” (meaning immerse himself in the scene for him), which led to them starting kissing and another swarm of non-translated comments appearing on screen, making critiques about the series (saying stuff like the ss2 is practically a porn movie, that the industry is setting the bar low with the series) and NottPun as a shipped couple (that they look awkward, that they are queerbaiting and doing all of that for the pink money), causing him to literally freak out and interrupt the scene so he could calm himself down.

3 – Listening to Tai say that he was actually eyeing him but if he (Pun) was going to be like that (have a panic attack every time he needed to shoot a love scene or some variation of that), he was not suitable for TV drama practically validated Pun’s fears of not being enough and the thinking that what he was doing was wrong, to justify why he was not getting the opportunities he wanted, despite working so hard to get them. He was losing his ground to other people and, clearly, it was his fault.

Pun knows that not everyone will have the same opportunities in life, that’s why he is willing to sacrifice a lot just to have his. But when things outside his control happen, and he is a very controlling person because the more control he has the least surprises he will have in the future, he does not compute fast enough a way out to either get the chance he lost back or run for another one, creating a loop of unfulfilled goals and more pressure over his head to sacrifice even more than before to get to the top.

5. Not so secret crushes

I know I said before that Nott likes Pun, or at least thinks about Pun as more than just friends, but the way his conversation with Pun in the changing room before the event really started to really highlight that there is something there, and that Pun knows about it or, at least, suspects it, really sold that idea for me.

On one side we have Pun asking Nott if he was not tired of having to make fanservice, implying that everything Nott does is just to please their fans and that Pun was tired himself of that. On the other, we have Nott being very careful with his words, saying that him liking Pun’s picture on social media, taking care of him, complimenting him, is all his doing, not some sort of “moral obligation”, and that Pun is “the one who knows best the reason he did what he did”, then asking if it was Pun who did all he did to service the fans. Granted, Nott could’ve been talking about the fact that because they know each other for a while, there is “friendship” formed between them and that Nott doing those things was just what a friend would do to another friend (whether it was a normal friendship or a friendship with benefits, it didn’t matter, as long as it was not in the guise of a professional relationship) but the way Pun’s face softened after those words made me think that he is at least a bit aware that what Nott does to him is not just because they are “supposed” to do that for the fans, but because he genuinely liked him (as a friend or more).

When we entertain that idea, Pun drawing a line between him and Nott having sex off cam and what they do during shooting becomes something bigger than him just preventing his coworker to mix what he considers a time to relieve stress to work but Pun not wanting Nott to mix his romantic feelings into what they were doing and ending up ruining things in a way that would render their work almost unbearable.

I said in Nott’s character profile that he was an easy going guy, really approachable and friendlier, and in this episode we actually got to see that side of him again but he also seems to have a bit of difficulty controlling his actions when his feelings are bubbling very close to the surface, with him eating Pun’s ice just because Pun offered the ice to Tai, then being all lovey dovey in a very short live, then asking Pun to immerse himself on the kiss during shooting and then almost outright confessing his feelings out loud when Pun accused him of doing all he did just for fanservice. That inability could very much create so much tension between them that no amount of “workshop” could fix and, in the process, ruin Pun’s chance of growing in the industry.

However, the look Pun gave to Nott when Nott was helping him fix his jacket, honestly speaking, it was the look of a man letting the words he heard seconds ago really sink in inside of him, absorbing the implied meaning of them and letting himself being vulnerable for a few seconds before putting the mask back on. Pun did not wanted to believe Nott’s words, because he did not wanted to put his faith onto something that could very well be conditional and, if there is something Pun don’t want is to have people liking him conditionally, I mean really like him. He was scared of believing Nott, because the chances of Nott not being true to him were very high; and he could not control the outcome of that, so why bother trying.

And, if we really think that thought, couldn’t that also mean that Pun has some sort of feelings for Nott as well or, at least, is starting to develop some, right?

6. Industry Judas

How do we evaluate how much a piece of information costs? By the ability to create damage and chaos when release? By how long it has circulating around? By whom it affects and how high is the position of the person/people involved in the information? No matter what metric we use to do that, information is power and those who detain power, detain everything.

Between famous people, we all know that there are people close to them selling their information to news outlets in exchange of money or simply just to ruin the famous people lives. Sure, in some instances, the famous people themselves give that information and them pretend to have those same information “stolen” from them but without a way of proving that, the only thing we can assume is that someone close enough to them sold that information for whatever reason. And that’s exactly what happened in this episode; someone decided to personify Judas and “betray” the confidentiality that comes with private matter regarding what happen to actors during the shooting.

One thing would be people using NottPun’s public “fight” and the fact that none of them had been liking each other’s posts to assume that they are having problems between them (going back to the perception we have about the actors relationship through social media) but other thing entirely is the reporters asking if it was true that NottPun fought a lot behind the scenes and cause the shooting team to stop in the middle of the scene because that is not an inference based on what they saw online, it was a very specific question about something that actually happened and they were just asking for a confirmation of the fact. It was not a “so, what happened between you two that made Nott not like the last two posts from Pun?” but a “so, you guys had a fight that caused problems during shooting, right? And that’s the reason Nott hasn’t liked the last two posts from Pun. Can you guys confirm this?” which means that they were expecting for a good moment to just say that out loud.

And also, who the hell is the GossipXoxo’s account owner and how do they know so much about what happens in the shooting set or between NottPun? Seriously, I need to know.

7. Fanservice & personal expectations

I’ve waited since the day the trailer for New Ship came out to see what would be the event surrounding the conversation about Pun’s complaint of fanservice and oh boy, I got exactly what I wanted! I always found the discourse about fanservice fascinating because it can always give you an insight about the person giving you opinions about it and how they perceive human relationships and display of affection in these types of environments.

Speaking for myself, I have a pretty neutral stance about fanservice and what all of it entails. There are moments where I wished the industry or even the fans didn’t demand the actors to do certain things just for their entertainment but in general, I don’t lose sleep over fanservice and pretty much don’t judge the actors relationship based on that. However, being an almost full time twitter person, I’ve seen a lot of opinions about fanservice but the most prominent ones are these two: some people don’t like fanservice and some people really like fanservice.

To explain exactly how the discourse about fanservice really is just a mess sprinkled with glitter, I’m gonna use what Pun said bit by bit and talk about it:

- “When we service, we get insulted and when we don’t service we get insulted” – this sentence alone sums up perfectly the online discourse I see about fanservice. Because when a shipped couple does fanservice, some people literally write essays about how the actors relationship is fake, that they are being obligated to be together by their company or they are just doing it for the “pink money” (for example, OhmNanon are the latest victim of this discourse, especially after their fanmeeting), basically saying that they hate each other’s gut and only tolerate one another because of their job. However, when a shipped couple does minimal to no perceivable fanservice, some people have the impression that the actors hate each other and can’t even stand be a feet close to their shipped partner, to the point of disgust, and not even the money they would receive for doing said fanservice is enough to convince them to actually do something, meaning that their relationship is fake and that they are also being obligated to be together by their company and stuff like that.

Did you guys note something? How similar the reactions for the existence or not of fanservice are pretty much the same, the only thing that changes is what the person is talking about. This is basically the online discourse about fanservice in a nutshell.

I could rant about how some opinions stand out among those I mentioned above, saying that the industry is relying more and more on the fanservice itself and hoping that it alone can sustain the series the actors are promoting, instead of searching for a way of improving the quality of the Thai BL in the country, the ability of the actors and the quality of the story being portrayed, and also how in some instances fanservice can be detrimental to the actors relationship (a good example is what happened with OhmToey during the Make It Right era); this is an opinion I can, in certain cases, stand by it but, as I stated before, my stance is just neutral about it, so that opinion almost always stays in the back of my mind.

- “And what kind of shipped couple do they want me to be? Why all I did seems so wrong? Or just being me, is the reason of their hatred” – this here tackles the part pertaining the expectations the fans put on the actors about the type of display of affection that they want to see and what makes them comfortable. To explain better, I will use an example of something that happened in 2019, that not many people may know about: when the cast of 2 Moons 2 was announced and then started doing promotions and stuff, a well-known person in the “original” fandom of the “original” cast, that is also a fan translator, went on twitter to complain about the kind of fanservice PavelDome (ForthBeam in the new 2M2 version) were doing, saying that they were being too sexual in their interactions and basically accusing Pavel of just being a fuckboy doing all of that for attention and being “cringe” at the same time, relying on his physical attributes rather than his acting skills.

At the time, I took that as the person just being frustrated with the change of cast and not being used to the new one but after I saw that the person was actively shitting on the new cast without giving them the chance to prove themselves, while also indirectly calling Pavel every synonym of slut, I realized that the person placed their behavioral expectations on the new cast based on the old one and simply started criticizing them for it. The worst part in all of that is that Pavel, at the time, was just being his normal self, the only difference is that there were a lot more people watching him do that.

Another example of how expectations really ruin people’s perspective about actors display of affection is ZeeNunew. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of people like to say that their relationship is fake because they are too lovey dovey with each other, using Zee’s previous shipped couple, Saint, as proof of that, saying that everything Zee says about/to Nunew, he used to do the same with Saint and stuff like that, implying that you cannot compliment the person you work with because when the person change, it will render your new relationship invalid.

OhmNanon. Some people accuse them of being fake because they do fanservice (like what happened during their fanmeeting), others accuse them of not doing enough fanservice, thus their relationship is fake and they don’t like each other.

OffGun. A shipped couple that barely do fanservice, to the point of their fans jokingly ask them to do some so they don’t die of starvation, to give them some crumbs, is accused of being fake simply because they don’t do fanservice.

KristSingto. Even if they don’t have a new project (like a series) since 2018, they are still good friends and hang out together with a surprising frequency, but people always say that they hate each other because they don’t broadcast every time they are together. That gained so much traction that Singto got asked if he and Krist hated each other TWICE in the span of six months, and he denied BOTH times, stating that they are fairly private people so whenever they are together, only a few people will know about. Krist, in one interview, said that there are instances of him and Singto going out together and people only finding about that like six months later, because one of them slipped that during an interview/live or because one their friends said something; and their friends/managers/family are always vouching for their friendship, going at lengths to call out those who always spread rumors about KS hating each other. Heck, KS even LAUGHED the last time they were asked that question, and I mean the kind of laughter you give when you listen something so absurd that you cannot believe what you just heard.

BKPP. Another victim of the online discourse of fanservice and they suffer from both sides. People accused Billkin a few times of queerbaiting, accused PP of being “too expressive” (badmouthing him for being feminine), said that they don’t really like each other because they don’t do much fanservice, then flipping the disc and saying that they only pretend to be friends for the cameras, even if they met each other years ago and are on each other’s side in every important moment in their lives.

I could go on and on about a lot more examples of double standards of the fanservice online discourse, because there is a lot roaming around, but I think that the examples I gave are enough for you guys to understand the scope of absurdity that the industry is creating. And don’t get me started on who some fandoms use the existence or not of fanservice to create fanwars with things like “at least my faves friendship is genuine, is not fanservice”, what makes me question “and what is so bad about fanservice that you need to brag about your faves ‘not doing it’?”. Why are we demonizing fanservice, when fanservice itself is not the real problem here but how the industry uses the concept of fanservice and the perception people have about that?

[That reminded me of something. When JIMIN of BTS was asked if he does fanservice with the other members, he said that all is actions are genuine and none of them is just for the sake of pleasing fans, and that response got people calling him a homophobe, just because he said he did not do things to please fans. People were out there equating fanservice with queer display of affection and if that does not tell you exactly the kind of mindset some people have, I don’t know what else can, to be honest.]

I’m not saying that there isn’t issues regarding the concept of fanservice and how it can be harmfully applied in some situations, I’m not that naïve. However, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend to have a higher moral ground and judge those who do fanservice, because I’m not them and I cannot dictate what is the “right way” of showing affection, because different people show affection differently and all we can do, as rational human beings that we claim to be, is understand that sometimes people do things that we would find uncomfortable and that’s ok, we can’t please everyone at the same time, is just not possible. What we can do is distance ourselves from situations that we find uncomfortable and let people live the way they want to, without criticizing their every move, call them names or accuse them of doing things they are not doing.

Nott’s “the world is just as bad as it is” is a good way of seeing the world and understanding that is not worth betray ourselves because of what people say online. Because we cannot please everyone, there will always be a criticism coming from someone, because we did or say something they did not like (I’m not talking about saying or doing offensive stuff) or we didn’t do what they wanted us to do. Pun cares about what people say about it so much that it is affecting him physical and mental health to the point of him having panic attacks during shooting or fainting in the middle of an event, and Nott knows that, he sees it all and it pains him seeing Pun isolate himself so much that he does not reach out for help simply because he does not trust anyone and act like he has no one on his side, like he’s fighting a battle alone and everyone else is his enemy.

It’s not easy to let go of the notion that we need external approval and validation to feel like we have purpose in this world, and considering the fact that Pun’s job literally feeds of external approval and validation, it becomes twice as hard for him to actually understand that seeking the perfect image so that others like him is killing him slowly, like a car crash we cannot avoid. He feels like he needs to have those things or he won’t have anything else in the world, and even if people close to him tells him that he doesn’t need it, it’s gonna take a while for him to start to understand that and really see him for what he is: a person deserving of love and affection.

*************************

As a bonus, I wanna talk about how Nott proved himself to be, again, a sort of safe place/haven to Pun. I said in the previous post (that you guys should totally check later), that Pun seems to be more comfortable around Nott, to the point of not having any problem with Nott touching him or even sleeping and snuggling with Nott after them having sex. As someone who have problems with physical touch myself, I have a very few selected people that I allow to touch me in any given time and those are my two nephews and my best friend, so I see Nott as someone Pun feels safe having around because I see where Pun is coming from in regards to not liking having people touching him, is something he gave Nott permission to do because he feels like Nott is deserving of that trust; and knowing how much of a control freak Pun is, that is very telling.

It may not look like but Nott appreciates the trust Pun gives him but that trust is in regards to physical touch and not trust in a broader sense. That’s why Nott talks about Pun not taking care of himself because of what people talk about on the internet, how Pun built a wall around himself and that because they know each other for a long time he knows that Pun doesn’t trust anyone but asks Pun to trust him, to understand that Pun doesn’t need to act like he’s alone in the world when he has Nott right there, by his side, begging Pun to let him into his world. Nott understands that, no matter how many times they have sex, how many years they’ve known each other, there are parts of him that Pun still keep locked away from everyone and those are the parts Nott wants to see, to see Pun fully for what he is and not just a few glimpses when Pun slips and let his vulnerable side seep through the walls he built.

And it is because Nott understands that that he reassures Pun that, regardless of how badly the world treats him, he “won’t treat him badly”, meaning that Pun can rely on Nott for whatever he needs, can see Nott as an ally, a shoulder he can lean on and cry when things become too heavy for him to bear alone. A side note here, while Nott was comforting Pun, he kept caressing Pun’s ears and talking to him in a soft tone, like someone trying to pass security to a scared animal. And remember what I talked about the possible meanings of that action from Nott to Pun: that it can be used to make Pun more relaxed and less tense in situations where he could usually feel like that and Nott’s way of him saying that he would not hurt him or do more that he was allowed to. Their secret code? Yeah, put that all together and it makes sense that Pun nodded after Nott said that he wouldn’t treat him badly, he knew Nott wasn’t saying empty words, he meant everything he said, from start to finish.

This episode was more raw than the first one because it gave us more insight about how Pun is as a person and how fragile he is compared to what he projects with his personas for other people to see. I showed us how exactly his brain thought process is, how he forces himself to maintain an image that his destroying and how he desperately needs comfort and how Nott is willing to do just that, be his safe haven. It also showed more shots of Pun holding his necklace in moments of stress (based on what Seng said in the recap of the first episode, that necklace was a gift from Pun’s mother, so it can be seen as a source of comfort from his family) and considering the preview of the next episode, we are going to have a glimpse of Pun’s personal life in relation to his family and maybe we can get an idea as to why he doesn’t like being touched.

Overall, this episode was very good, albeit very heavy and hard to digest when confronted with so many raw moments coming from a character that presented himself as a person self-conceited and easy to hate. It showed that is dangerous to use what we see to judge other people, that as humans we have many layers, some of which we don’t even have knowledge of, and how we internalize what other people say about us very easily and how that ultimately can destroy us slowly if we don’t find a way to stop the process before it gets too late.

If I have to be honest, I don’t even know if my thoughts look coherent in here because even I can’t seem to organize them correctly in my mind in a way that makes sense but I hope that at least you guys enjoyed the reading and also my understanding of the episode. Even with the world being as bad as it is, remember that each one of you are perfect the way you are, no matter what the internet tell you about yourself. You are the one who knows best about yourself and one day you’ll see how precious you are; it may and it will take some time but the day will come eventually.

#warofy #war of y #war of y: new ship #war of y episode 2 #nott x pun #pun x nott #theory #analysis #megapost

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deadpuppetboi · 2 years ago

Note

Wow that was so awesome, you blew me away with Mr. Nasty meeting Jimmy! I’m so excited but also feel sorry for Jimmy lol! Does Mr. Nasty begin to affect Jimmy’s everyday life while he’s attending Bullworth? And do the people around him know if something writes is going on?

Thank you, I'm glad my post entertained you!

I have a feeling that Mr.Nasty takes his time with the people that he's interested in. He starts slow, just small incontinence in your life that you would just pass it off as ‘weird’.

It's not every day in Bullworth that cops from a seemingly dead city come and move in for no reason.

They were more brutal than strict like the cops in Bullworth, a problem the adults didn't have an issue with but troubled kids did. Jimmy couldn't tell how many times these new cops screeched at him to stop for doing the most mundane things. The Townies and Greasers had it tough, sporting physical injuries by either talking back or pissing off these cops in any way.

Then there are the seemingly out-of-nowhere gangs that settled themselves just nicely in the outskirts of Bullworth. Bullworth Academy had made it very clear that these gangs are no laughing matter and that they should never be antagonized. But that didn't seem to be the end of it, far from it, and soon everyone was getting nervous about these sudden ‘changes’.

Gary sees this as a conspiracy, Pete is cautious about everyone’s safety, and Jimmy shows enough confidence to beat down anyone who thinks they could mess with him. It's perfect, honestly, it's nothing more than Mr.Nasty could ask for.

I mean, he hasn't ever made a film about a thriving school before. He wonders how much he could make out of that concept in general...

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sergeantgoggles · 3 years ago

Text

@specialist-week Day 1

Prompt: Data

Rating: F for Fluff with a touch of angst

Pairing: Echo/Tech

Warnings: Clone/clone, Tech is a hot mess, brief mention of Echo/Fives.

Summary: Tech isn't super great at physical affection, but he's willing to try for Echo's sake.

“You are occupying my spot.”

Echo looked up from where he was tucked into the corner of Tech’s bed. How he had managed to finagle his way back there without disrupting any of the wires or clutter that had accumulated over the few days they’d been back on Kamino was anyone’s guess, but he found he was rather comfortable amongst the organized chaos.

“You can sit there,” he retorted and nodded to a significantly smaller space next to a generator that Tech had smuggled in.

“You are joking,” Tech deadpanned. “There is hardly enough room there for an adolescent cadet, never mind a fully developed adult.”

Echo shifted his gaze from Tech’s unamused stare to the rest of the bed. Tech spoke the truth, and bluntly so. There was little space for even one person, let alone a second. Still, Echo pressed on.

“You could always cuddle, you know,” he countered with a wicked little smirk on his pale lips. “I promise I don’t bite, unless that’s what you’re into.”

Watching Tech bristle and blush was easily Echo’s favorite pastime as the Specialist’s significant other. They hadn’t really put a name to their relationship, but it was clear enough to the both of them that their time together, though so far short, meant something different than their time spent with their other squad members. Echo’s experience and Tech’s inexperience led to some interesting conversations and discoveries, most recently being that Tech was unfamiliar with romantic touches. Of course, this realization only made Echo double down on his effort to show Tech that not all romantic or intimate touch as to be sexual.

“I have not collected enough data to know whether or not that is something that I am, as you say, ‘into,’” Tech muttered, “but I would like to sit in my own bed comfortably.”

Instead of teasing him further, Echo relented, and opened his arms. “Sorry. I promise I’ll make it worth your while. Just for a minute?”

With a long suffering sigh, Tech conceded and maneuvered between the clusters of mess to press his back to Echo’s chest. It took him several minutes to settle, adjusting over and over until he fit himself exactly as he wanted with Echo’s chin resting on his shoulder. Only after he was content with his positioning did he produce a data pad from seemingly nowhere and began fiddling with it.

Echo forced back a shiver and held Tech a little tighter. The added weight against his chest was a relief that he didn’t know he needed so desperately until he had it. Things had been…different during his time in the 501st. Touch was openly given and affection was encouraged between clones. He’d spent more nights in someone else’s bunk just for the sake of having another body next to him, usually Fives, occasionally Kix or Jesse, and on the rare occasion, Captain Rex. Going from that to being a prisoner of war, to now the newest member of the mercenary clone group who kept to themselves was something of a culture shock to his system. Having Tech tucked against him, breathing slowly and evenly, existing in his same space felt better than anything had in a long time.

“Echo?” Tech’s voice dragged him out of his thoughts, but it wasn’t until a gentle, ungloved pad of a thumb wiped his cheek and made him realize that he’d been crying. Damn it, just when he’s started to make progress, he’d gone and messed it up with dredging up old memories best left behind.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, startled and mildly ashamed of himself.

Tech shook his head, then frowned. “I do not understand. According to my data, physical affection is supposed to be one of the best relievers of stress and anxiety. Is it not enough?”

Guilt rose up in Echo’s throat, and he swallowed the hot lump forming there. “No, it’s fine, perfect, actually.”

“If that is the case, then why are you upset?” Tech pressed. It was something Echo both hated and admired about his new partner. He was always looking to be better, and that meant asking a lot of questions. He wanted to know everything about everything, and Echo supposed that himself as a subject was no different. Besides, as partners, Echo owed it to him to be honest.

“I guess I didn’t think I needed the affection that badly,” he explained, though it felt childish once the words left his tongue. “Boy was I wrong, apparently.”

A thoughtful hum vibrated Tech’s lips before they kissed Echo’s cheek. It was by no means their first kiss, but it was the first time that Tech initiated anything, and well, that felt nice in contrast to the other feelings welling up inside of Echo.

“I will try to be more attentive to those needs,” Tech affirmed quietly. “I am still getting used to having a romantic partner, but I think that cuddles are a reasonable request that I can fulfill without much difficulty.”

Echo’s heart swelled in his chest. Tech was really something else. He didn’t think he’d ever find another person he could love as much as Fives, but Tech was well on his way to being close, not that Echo was comparing. On the contrary, Fives and Tech were different in almost every single way, but something about them was the same, and Echo could never quite put his finger on what it was. It didn’t matter, though. He was going to love Tech in his own way.

“I…would appreciate that. Thank you,” Echo smiled softly and leaned his forehead against Tech’s. To his surprise, Tech leaned into the touch with a content hum and closed his eyes.

“I will collect more data and make our next cuddle time a better experience,” Tech declared.

Echo brought his hand up to Tech’s cheek and drew him into a chaste, endearing kiss, effectively capturing Tech’s breath as they pecked lips a few more times. “I think you’re already doing a pretty good job.”

#specialistweek #the bad batch #cloneshipping #clone shipping #clonecest #clone/clone #tech x echo #bad batch tech #bad batch echo #kanra writes #day 1: data

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featherymalignancy · 4 years ago

Text

How About a Hug, Hm? REMIX

So a few days ago I got this ask about my Elriel one-shot “How About A Hug?” because I messed up the formatting and I you basically have to to read it as a reblog. I also was really unsatisfied with the end result.

So, I did the most Feathery™️ thing every and REWROTE THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING.

Please enjoy, and know that I will go back and tag people/clean up formatting tomorrow. Right now I just need to post and 😴

——————————————————

Elain Archeron was running late.

Granted, it was only by seven minutes, which—in many social circles—was still considered well within the accepted boundaries of punctuality.

The problem was that a) being late made Elain anxious, and b) there was absolutely nothing polite about Nesta Archeron when she was made to wait, even by her own kin.

Yet another reason it had been critical that Elain arrive on time: Nesta was already likely to be somewhat hacked off when she saw what Elain was wearing tonight, and Elain had hoped to avoid any further dramatics on her elder sister’s part.

She spent half the cab ride downtown trying to convince herself that it was fine that she’d borrowed something out of Nesta’s closet (even if it had been without permission) and that she hadn’t had a choice; she simply didn’t own anything appropriate for dinner at a four-star restaurant. However, by the time the cab slithered under Trump Tower’s unsavory shadow and into Hell’s Kitchen, she’d given up pretending.

The truth was she had half a dozen cocktail dresses that would have been perfectly suitable for dinner in the West Village, even if the place they were going was one of the nicest sushi restaurants in the city. No, Elain had raided Nesta’s closet for a far more embarrassing reason: she’d been in search of a dress she hoped might finally win her Azriel’s attention.

She wasn’t proud of the absurd crush she had on the guy, but it really couldn’t be helped. He was gorgeous, and smart, and darkly funny when he wanted to be, and she’d been secretly mooning over him since they’d met through Feyre’s fiancée three years ago. God, what she wouldn’t give to have him return even a fraction of her feelings.

Apparently not her dignity, Elain thought with a glance down at her neckline.

The worst part was that Azriel seemed oblivious to her interest in him. He was always polite to her, always made a point to talk to her when he caught her hiding out on the balcony during one of Feyre and Rhys’s crazy parties or sit next to her at their big family dinners, but he’d never once given her any indication that he was in any way that he reciprocated her feelings, which should have been reason enough for Elain to pack it in and stop harassing him.

And that was to say nothing of Mor.

Mor was the friend who’d first introduced Feyre and Rhys, and from what Elain could gather, she and Azriel had a long and complicated history. It didn’t seem to matter that Mor had been dating the same girl for over a year now. When she was in the room, Az’s eyes were always on her. Not that Elain blamed him—Mor was gorgeous in a way girls like her could only dream of being. Still, there was no denying the sting of watching the guy you were interested in pine over someone else.

Given all this, Elain wasn’t really sure why she’d gone to such lengths to dress up for this dinner. Mor would surely be there wearing something incredible and couture, thereby rendering everyone else invisible to Azriel. Still, Elain was a hopeless optimist, and she’d stubbornly sold herself on the idea that if she found the perfect dress, she could finally convince Azriel that she was a woman worthy of affection, rather than Nesta’s bookish, boring little sister.

She had to admit, there was nothing bookish about her tonight. The dress was tighter on her that it was her waifish sister, and dear god it deserved a Medal of Honor for the way it managed to keep her boobs looking so perky even without a bra. She didn’t suppose Nesta would be too happy about that bit, either, so she could only hope her sister was in a good mood by the time Elain arrived.

Just then Elain’s phone buzzed, and she looked down at it and groaned. It was from Nesta.

Where the 🤬 are you?

Running late, Elain quickly typed back. Is everyone waiting?

She watched the gray ellipsis pulse at Nesta responded.

Feyre and Rhys aren’t even fucking here yet. But hurry up, Cash is already driving me insane.

Elain rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sure who Nesta thought she was fooling when she and Elain shared a bedroom wall. Nesta and Cassian, Rhys’s other best friend, ended up banging almost every time they saw each other, which—since Rhys and Feyre had gotten engaged four months ago—was fairly frequently. In fact, Cash was at their apartment making Nesta scream so often that Elain had been forced to invest in earplugs and a sound machine. From Elain’s perspective, it seemed rather pointless of Nesta to pretend she wasn’t completely hot of a guy she called “Daddy” in bed.

Elain shuddered at the thought, hoping that Nesta would end up going to Cash and Az’s loft in Williamsburg tonight instead. Though, she realized glumly, they only ever seemed to go there when Azriel was out, and the only person who seemed able to keep Azriel out later than Cash was Mor. That meant Elain’s options were either to pop an Ambien and hope for the best, or stay out and watch Az make moon eyes at Mor all night. Neither one was particularly appearing.

Elain ignored Nesta’s text as the car pulled up outside the restaurant and she wiggled out, smoothing the back of her tight dress before giving her curls what she hoped was an artful tousle before slipping inside.

Elain’s heart felt into her stomach as she took in the elegant but understated interior of the famed Sushi Nakazawa. Given the prices, she’d assumed the place would be all black granite and swanky chandeliers—the kind of place cleavage like hers wouldn’t seem out of place. Instead the place was elegantly spare and distressingly well-lit. God, she was such a prize idiot.

Unfortunately, she was also out of time, because a quick survey of the interior found that her group was already gathered at the bar, Mor, Feyre, and Rhys having showed up in the interim between Nesta’s text and Elain’s arrival.

Elain’s eyes went to Mor first, who stunned in a cardinal red lace and net sheath. It clung to her frame like it had been made for her, and despite a latent jealous she couldn’t quite contain, she was relieved to find that she at least wouldn’t look overdressed.

Elain’s stomach only wended in a tighter knot when Mor’s eyes fell on her and lit up, a reminder that not only was Mor prettier, she was also an infinitely better person than Elain.

“There she is!” Mor beamed, coming forward and hugging Elain. “I love that dress, Ellie!”

Elain braced herself for Nesta’s inevitably remark, but it was actually Cash who reacted first.

He’d opened his mouth to comment seemingly before he’d actually looked at Elain, because the second he realized what exactly she was wearing, his eyes they snapped the ceiling, as if looking at her chest directly might turn him to stone.

“Whoa, El, all dressed up tonight!”

Nesta, wholly unmoved by his attempted chivalry, elbowed him in the ribs.

“Don’t be vulgar Cassian!” She snarled before narrowing her eyes. “And that’s mine!”

Cash smirked, seeming more at ease now that Nesta was his target.

“I knew I’d seen that bef—ow! Goddamnit woman, what was that for?”

He scowled down at the dangerous stiletto Nesta had just jammed into his toe box.

“Sorry,” she cast over her shoulder, not deigning to look at him. “Did I accidentally step on your foot?”

“I’m an adult,” Elain interjected, cheeks burning as she faced her sister down. “Stop acting like I’ve fourteen and stuffing my bra.”

“They’re just boobs, Nes,” Rhys added, arm slung over Feyre’s shoulder. “Relax.”

“Watch it,” Nesta warned him, but Feyre only laughed.

“I agree!” She said, turning to smile at Elain. “And I think they look amazing.”

“If I’d have known they were going to be such a topic of conversation,” Elain mumbled, grateful Azriel wasn’t here to witness this circus. “I would have worn something else.”

“No, I’m with Feyre,” Mor said, wicked grin forming. “Breasts that nice deserve to be shown off.”

Elain wasn’t so humble that she didn’t feel herself preening a bit at that comment, even if she was still flustered by the prolonged attention. Either way, she was grateful when Cash interrupted with a somewhat sheepish laugh.

“Teenage me would be furious if he heard me say this, but can we please stop talking about boobs?”

“Elain’s boobs or just any boobs?” Feyre said with a smirk.

However, before Elain could admonish her for it, Feyre was crushing her into a hug.

“Hey you,” she said, wrapping her arms and Elain’s neck and whispering in her ear, “let me and Rhys know if you wanna stay at our place tonight; Cash already grabbed Nesta’s ass twice when she thought we weren’t looking.”

Feyre indicated the mirror behind the bar with her eyes as they pulled away, and sure enough, Elain watched Cash’s hand as it drew lazy, dangerous circles just above the swell of Nesta’s well-formed behind.

Elain groaned, hugging Rhys now as well. God , her sister was such a hypocrite sometimes.

Ignoring a lingering twinge of annoyance, Elain forced herself to glance in false realization before casually asking, “So where’s the Birthday Boy?”

“He was on his phone out back,” Rhys said, before raising a hand in greeting to someone over Elain’s shoulder. “There he is.”

Elain tried not to look to eager as she turned and drank in all six feet four inches of perfection that was Azriel Macar. He was dressed all in black, from his prada boots to the soft, expensive t-shirt fitted enough to show off his toned physique. Elain honestly had to fight not to swoon as he ran an effortless hand through his glossy sable hair, the longer pomaded pieces on top stand up for a second before falling into an artful tousle.

“Hey Ellie,” he said, gaze on her and gone so quickly that he never even had time to notice her much-discussed cleavage. Instead, his eyes flicked to Mor and held for a long, meaningful beat before he turned back to Elain and added politely, “Thanks for coming.”

“Sure,” she chirped, trying to ignore the fact that he was coming closer, and that in another second she’d be able to smell that divine Givenchy cologne he always wore. “Of course!“

She bent her head, pretending to be fixing the clasp on her bracelet as his scent hit her and she had to bite back a groan. Sweet Jesus, he smelled good. When she looked up again, everyone else was shuffling to their table and Azriel was lingering, a soft smile threatening to the reveal the absolutely devastating dimples in both his cheeks.

“Do I get a hug?” He asked. “It is my birthday after all.”

He extended his arms, and she gave a nervous laugh, accepting the gesture by stringing her arms around his neck.

“Of course,” she repeated stupidly, trying to ignore the way the muscles in his arms flexed as he embraced her. “Happy Birthday.”

At this he squeezed her a little tighter and she fought off genuine giddiness.

It was a friendly gesture, she warned herself, and it ended the minute Mor called, “Az, come sit by me.”

Elain cleared her throat as he pulled away, turning to where Mor was still beckoning. However, before Elain could get too flustered, he turned back to her.

“Shall we?” he said, indicating Elain go ahead of him. To her delight, they reached the table to find that the only two seats left were next to each other. She tried not to give her eagerness too much leash as he pulled out her chair for her before sinking into the one between she and Mor. Mor leaned over to give him a soft peck on the cheek, and he flushed.

“Where’s Emmy tonight?” Feyre asked as Mor tried to wipe the lipstick from Az’s copper skin and he battered her away, like child trying to fend off an over-bearing mother.

“She’s sick, poor little thing,” Mor said, giving a tiny pout. “She hasn’t been able to get out of bed in days.”

Elain didn’t bother to her disappointment. Emerie had been one of Nesta’s best since they’d met in college almost ten years ago, and she not only was she like family to the Archerons, she also happened to be the only person in the group who knew about Elain’s crush. Elain had sworn her to secrecy at the time, and though it would have been reasonable to assume that once Emmy knew, Mor would know, Elain appreciated that she could trust Emerie to keep her secret.

Elain felt Emerie’s absence keenly and Nesta and Cash began bantering back and forth at lightning speed. Emerie was a master at slowing the tempo of Nesta’s quick wit, making it easier for Elain in particular to feel she could keep up.

More selfishly, Elain also missed Emerie’s ability to keep Mor distracted. When Emmy was around, she was all Mor could focus on. However, in her absence Mor’s attention had reverted almost completely to Az, a fact he didn’t seemed to mind a single bit, if his growing smiles were any indication.

Still, he seemed to be going out of his way to make sure Elain didn’t get lost in the chaos of conversation surging around them, even if he never looked at her for more than a moment or two before his eyes flicked back to Mor, studying her dark brown eyes and crimson lips.

After they placed their drink orders and the waiter came over to begin explaining the omakase menu, Elain wondered if she had time to dodge under the table to throw on some lipstick of her own. Assuring herself everyone was suitably distracted she bent down, hastily uncapping the tube before looking up just in time to see Nesta brush a very deliberate hand between Cassian’s splayed quads.

Elain jerked back, banging her head on the table.

“Fuck!” she swore quietly, straightening and rubbing her head.

Nesta shot her an alarmed look across the table and Elain flushed.

“All you alright?” Azriel asked, and she tried not to bleat in excited panic as his fingers brushed the back of her head. “What happened?”

“I—dropped something,” she fumbled, cursing her sister for being such a salacious wench.

Wasn’t it enough that she and Cash were already going to keep her up all night? Did she really have to make Elain look silly in front of Azriel, too?

“Does it hurt?” Azriel said, still studying her head before letting his eyes go to the server. “Do you need ice?”

“No, no,” Elain said hurriedly, trying to regain her composure. “I’m fine.”

“Did you at least find whatever you were looking for?” Mor asked, and Elain’s flush deepened.

“And then some,” she grumbled to herself, and Cassian gave a quiet but unmistakable laugh before letting out a surprised exhale. Elain had a fairly good idea what Nesta was squeezing to shut him up.

“Should we order, then?” Mor asked, hand falling onto Azriel’s arm. “Any particular requests, Birthday Boy?”

“He’s thirty now,” Rhys pointed out. “I think that makes him a Birthday Man .”

“Birthday Old Man,” Cassian amended. “Don’t worry champ, I’ve already put some viagra in your bathroom.”

“You’re not supposed to share your prescriptions, Cash,” Azriel said with mirth, eyes sparkling even as his face remained neutral. “And besides, I would feel dead back if you needed one tonight and couldn’t find them.”

“Checkmate,” Mor purred as Cash flipped her off.

Beside Azriel, Elain was fighting not to blush again. Cash’s comment, however sophomoric and lewd, had her imagining what Azriel was like in bed. She wondered for a moment if Mor knew before dismissing the thought and the twinge it induced.

“Let’s put this poor souls out of his misery and order,” Feyre said, smiling at the server where he still waited patiently. “Maybe if Cash’s mouth is full, he’ll stop talking.”

Cassian grinned, and, after placing their requests for the chef’s tasting menu, they all settled into an easy conversation. Cash and Rhys regaled them with stories of Azriel at various ages, from the gawky child he’d been when they’d first met him to the shy teenager who’d been terrified of girls.

“Let him be,” Mor said, touching her friend’s shoulder. “He was sweet in high school!”

Rhys laughed.

“It took him a year to pluck up the courage to say three words to you,” he pointed out.

“And they were ‘here’s a pen’ in response to you asking him the time. Nice work, Shakespeare,” Cash said, attempting to muss Azriel’s perfectly styled hair before being batted away.

“I can’t imagine Az ever being awkward,” Elain blurted. “I bet girls thought he was mysterious and cool.“

“See?” Azriel said, gesturing to Elain. “This is why I sat over here.”

“Oh please ,” Rhys said, bubbling his lips. “Ellie’s just being polite. If you two had known each other in high school, we all know how to would’ve gone: you’d have had an obscene crush on her and your dreams of true love would have been dashed after she politely signed your yearbook ‘have a good summer, Adrian’, leaving you heartbroken and alone.”

Azriel gave Elain a soft smile, and her heart burst open as thousands of butterflies flitted out of it.

“I hate to say it, but he’s probably right,” he told her. “I assume high school Elain was very popular.”

“She was,” Feyre said. “Eight different guys asked her to prom.”

“I’m not surprised,” Az said, and Elain made a great show out of drinking out of her masu to avoid having to answer.

She was relieved when the food began arriving to distract everyone, if only to save her the temptation of telling Azriel that there was no universe in which she wouldn’t have been into him, high schoolers or no.

Instead discussion turned to the Feyre and Rhys’s wedding as they ate, and as final plates were being cleared, Cash took the opportunity to once again mocked Azriel for the fact the latter had lost the rock-paper-scissors competition to be Rhys’s best man.

“I lost on purpose,” he told Elain quietly, taking a sip of the Yamasaki Single Malt he’d ordered after dinner.

“Why?” she laughed, following his gaze across the table to where Cash and Nesta were now bickering about whether Rhys’s stag night in Vegas would be better than Feyre’s hen do in Napa.

“Because Rhys told me that you’d convinced Feyre to pick Nesta as her maid of honor, and no offense, but your sister terrifies me. I’d much rather be with you.”

She laughed, biting her lip. It felt so terribly like they were flirting, but she couldn’t decide if it was her imagination or not.

“She terrifies everyone,” Elain said. “And I have a feeling this won’t our last trip down the aisle together.”

Azriel only quirked a bemused brow at this, which had Elain flushing scarlet.

“Not like that! She laughed, fumbling to pretend the idea of them being together was absurd rather than her heart’s desire. "I meant for Cash and Nesta’s wedding. Don’t tell me those two aren’t going to end up together.”

“We’ll have to work out a custody agreement when they finally get over themselves and start dating properly,” he agreed. “I’m spending a fortune on earplugs.”

She laughed, and he seemed warmed by the gesture, because he flashed a modest—albeit dimpled—smile being turning back to the larger conversation.

After dinner they’d gone a cocktail bar, then an Irish pub, and finally—much to Azriel’s chagrin—a karaoke bar. Rhys and Cash spend the majority of the evening trying to wrestle Azriel on stage while Mor and Feyre sang duets to Beyoncé and Spice Girls.

Elain was content enough to sit back and simply observe the scene as it unfolded around her. It was hard to contain her giddy, dreadful anticipation when Mor left around one to check on Emerie and Azriel—besides bidding her farewell with a soft kiss on the cheek—didn’t move a muscle.

Less than an hour later, Cash and Nesta both disappeared about an hour after without so much as a goodbye. Elain groaned, hoping they’d be asleep by the time she got home.

She’d have to rally if she wanted to manage it; they would be at it for hours yet.

By three the place was clearing out, and besides them, only a few tables of marathon drinkers and a girl on stage performing a beautiful rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” remained.

“We’re gonna go,” Rhys said, arm slung around a rather drunk, giggling Feyre. “Ellie, do you want to come with us?”

Elain glanced at Azriel, who’s glass still had two fingers of whiskey in it. If she wanted a chance to be alone with him, this was it.

“I think I’ve got one more in me,” she said, smiling.

“If you mean drink, I’m in,” Azriel said.

“Oh c’mon, brother,” Rhys goaded. “Just one song. I wouldn’t even film it….much.”

“Do Beyoncé!” Feyre chimed in, and Azriel shook his head.

“You know I’d play in traffic before I ever sang karaoke,” Azriel said mildly, making Feyre laugh. "Thanks for coming.”

He rose, embracing Rhys and pressing a kiss on Feyre’s head.

“C’mon, my little drunkard,” Rhys told her. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Let’s have sex when we get home,” Feyre said, her attempted whisper fully audible. Rhys pretended smack his forehead with his palm and a mimed, “ Oh brother ”, to Azriel and Elain before coax a still-singing Feyre outside.

Azriel chuckled before draining the last of his drink and rising. Elain pretended not to notice the way his well-tailored jeans fit his lean legs and…other parts of his anatomy as he adjusted his belt buckle and glanced down at her.

“Bud Light?” he asked, and she nodded, bobbing to her feet as well.

If she wanted a way to get closer to him that was more elegant than her increasing urge to crawl across the table and into his lap, this was certainly it.

“I’ll come with you.”

He flashed her a modest smile before indicating she lead the way. He ordered and waved off Elain’s attempt to pay before leaning on the bar to avoid towering over her. The gesture brought them nearly eye-to-eye, and Elain had to actively fight not to let hers roll back in pleasure at the bergamot and amyris wood notes in his sinful cologne. Up close Elain could see how much green he had in his hazel irises, and she wanted to tip into them and swim until she drowned.

“Did you have fun?” she said, desperate to get the conversation flowing again, and he smiled, making her stomach flop.

“I did, yeah,” he said, glancing around the bar in bemusement, as if still wondering how he’d ended up there. “Thank you for coming.”

Elain shrugged, grinning.

“You say that like you didn’t think I’d show,” she said, resting a cheek in her hand. She knew by now her expression was not her less than a swoon, though she couldn’t bring herself to care.

Hadn’t been this been her plan all along? Finally get Az’s attention long enough to tell him how she felt? Now was the best chance she’d probably ever get.

“No, I figured would,” Az said, interrupting her reverie. “Or hoped you would, whatever.”

Was that—

Did that mean what she thought it did?

Normally she would have chalked it up to wishful thinking, but the way he rubbed the back of his neck, dimples appearing as he huffed what almost sound like a sheepish laugh, had hope igniting in her chest.

“What does that mean?” she pressed, forcing herself to meet his gaze.

For the first time all night, he didn’t look away. Instead, his eyes skated back and forth across her face, as if she were a riddle he only had seconds to memorize. She watched, transfixed, as he wet his plush lower lip with his tongue before biting it almost self-consciously.

“It means I’m glad you came,” he admitted. “And that you didn’t go home with your sister and Rhys.”

It wasn’t the confirmation she’d been hoping for, and the ambiguity of the statement had her conviction waning. That could just as easily have been mean platonically, and if she pushed him and ruined things between them by making it awkward—

“Of course I’d be here for your birthday,” she said, giving his shoulder a playful shove. “That’s what friends are for.”

She couldn’t help the way her voice got stuck on the word, not when her throat suddenly began to clog with tears.

She had to get out of here, right now. Before she started crying and made things worse. She made to retract her hand but Azriel grabbed it, grip gentle but intent.

“El, don’t go,” he said, and she was surprised at the frank discontent in his normally-impassive expression.

She waited for him to explain himself before instead he let out another strained laugh, grip on her wrist easing. However, he didn’t let go entirely, choosing to intertwine their fingers instead.

Holding hands.

She and Az were holding hands.

And he—

She glanced back up to find he was studying her again, his face a mixture of terror and delight. When she gave his hand a soft squeeze, he let out the breath he’d been holding.

“Jesus, I am bad at this,” he said, reaching up to tuck a curl behind her ear. She wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it, but she thought his gaze flicked down to her lips as he continued to study her with heavy-lidded eyes.

“Bad at what?” She asked, though she’d begun to suspect she knew exactly what, even if it seemed too good to be true.

“At least my timeline is improving,” he breathed instead. “And I haven’t offered you a pen you didn’t ask for yet.”

Hoping she wasn’t misreading the situation, she let her finger trail down to trace the circular buckle of his Gucci before glancing back up at him and purring, “Do you have a pen?”

He smirked before raising his right wrist and glancing at his watch face over her shoulder.

“It’s….3:17 am,” he said, smile spreading as she gave a low sound of approval and flicked her gaze to his lips.

“Smooth,” she said, and tried not to lose her mind as he let his raised hand fall to the back of her neck and bent to kiss her.

He had almost girlishly full lips, and they opened for her as they settled into the kiss. Immediately his hand tangled in her hair so he could alter her head position slightly and get a proper taste of her. She groaned into his mouth he pulled at her lower lip with his teeth. He tasted like oranges and the expensive Japanese whiskey he’d been drinking all night, and pleasure tightened in her low belly as his tongue brushed hers. Her brought his free hand up to cradle her face, and in response she pushed closer to run her hands underneath of his shirt and down the silken skin of his back.

“Fuck,” he breathed with a heated half-laugh, nose brushing her cheek as he bowed into her touch. “You’re killing me, woman.”

She only smirked, feeling more confident now that she had before. She could hardly believe this was happening, but she was too excited about it to fully care.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said, and he bit his lip, as if restraining himself from kissing her again.

“Like to another bar?” he asked, dazed as he continued to stare at her lips.

“Like to my bed,” she said boldly. “Or yours, depending on where Cassian and Nesta ended up.”

He didn’t speak immediately, just studied her, and she panicked.

“I mean, only if you—I’m sorry, should I not have—?“

He only kissed her again in response, more gently this time.

“Please stop apologizing,” he said, kissing her jaw now before seeming to realize something and pulling back, brows synced.

“I—Jesus, do you seriously not know?”

She felt a bit sheepish at his incredulous tone and fought not to stiffen.

“Know what?”

He laughed softly, though their was a edge of self-deprecation in it that kept the gesture from seeming conscending.

“I really am the worst at this.”

“At what?”

“El, I’ll crazy about you. I have been crazy about you since we met.”

“You have?” she blurted, horror fading into genuine—if elated—confusion.

He laughed.

“Did you think it was coincidence that you and I are always sitting next to each other at dinner? That I always find you at Rhys’s dumb parties?”

“I—“ she began, still trying to decide if this was a dream or not. “What about Mor, though?”

“Mor?” he repeated, confused now, too. “What about her?”

“I thought you and she—“

He leaned in to brush his nose against hers, and she blushed at the innocent affection in the gesture.

“Not at all,” he assured her. “I did have a thing for her in high school, but I got over it after she and Cash slept together at prom. We’re just friends, I swear.”

“But she’s always touching you, and every time I see you together you can’t stop looking at her.”

At this he laughed, his smile so genuine and open she almost didn’t recognize him.

“She’s always been touchy-feely,” he said. “She grew up in Madrid, and people are just more affectionate there, I guess. And I only watch her when you’re around because she called me out for having an absurd crush on you, and I was afraid she was going to get drunk and blow my cover by telling you.”

Elain shook her head, still not quite believing what she was hearing. Reading her expression, he bent to kiss her softly.

“What guy wouldn’t be crazy about you?” he breathed. “You’re incredible.”

This seemed to break the spell, and she twined her fingers in his hair and pulled him down for another steamy kiss.

“Text Cash,” she said a little breathlessly when they broke away. “I don’t want an audience.”

She couldn’t felt but feeling smug when he almost dropped his phone at those words. It felt good to know that she wasn’t the only one affected by all this.

“Cash and Nesta are at the lof—“ Az began after a minute, but Elain cut him off with a kiss.

H rose, pulling her against him as his tongue brushed the roof of her mouth.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he said as she kissed his neck and tugged on his earlobe with her teeth, earning a low groan. “You’ve been drinking.”

She grabbed his chin so he would look at her.

“Not that much,” she said, and it was true. “And besides, I wanted this way before tonight.“

“Good,” he breathed, pressing a hand to her low back to bring her close to him. “Because so have I.”

Though they spent the majority of the ride up town and the elevator up to her apartment making out, something seemed to shift as Elain’s door clicked shut behind him, as if the gravity of what they were about to do had finally caught up to them.

Reluctantly Az peeled his lips from where they’d been glued to her neck as he took a small step back, as if to give her space.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, feeling embarrassed for how much she still wanted him even now that he seemed to have come to his senses.

“Maybe we should—” he broke off, looking somewhat guilty. “Hold off.”

She nodded, trying to keep the tears at bay again.

“Are you worried this could mess things up in the group? Because I understand—“

“No,” he said hurriedly, coming forward again, as if he could no longer stand to be away. “Not at all. I just—you’re special, El. You deserve to be taken out and spoiled.”

“Az, you just took us to a $1,800 dinner! Or did you think I didn’t see you pulling our server aside?”

Azriel opened his mouth, and she covered it with a finger.

“You don’t need to earn my affection. It’s yours already, free of charge.”

“I’ve just been—I waited so long to make my move and I’m terrified of fucking it up,” he said with a soft laugh.

“Why, are you bad at sex?”

Azriel laughed, seemed to relax at her teasing.

“I’ve never had any complaints,” he breathed again her lips, kissing her deeply again.

She gently bit his lower lip in response.

“Then I’d say you’ve gotten nothing to worry about,” she said, kissing him a third time.

She moaned softly when drove his fingers into her hair, hips canting towards her as he pressed her more fully into the door.

She could feel his body’s reaction to her pressing between her thighs, and she moaned again.

“Fuck,” he breathed onto her skin. “You are so gorgeous.”

“So are you,” she said, running her hands up the back of his t-shirt and feeling the mosaic of muscles flexing underneath. “Take this off.”

He laughed and pulled the offending garment over his head, making her groan in delight.

“God, this body ,” she breathed, running a hand down his chest and enjoying his shiver at her delicate touch.

He responded by spinning her away from him and gently dragging down the zipper of her dress until he could slip a hand inside of it.

“I knew you couldn’t have a bra on underneath this thing,” he said, voice a touch smug as he cupped both bare breasts and her breath caught in her throat..

“I’m surprised you even noticed,” she said, voice somewhat. “I wore this dress for you, and you didn’t even look at it once the entire evening.”

She laughed, the sound into a soft moan as he twisted one nipple in experimentation. When she sighed and let her head fall back onto his shoulder.

“Of course I noticed the dress,” he corrected. “You have the most perfect tits I’ve ever seen. I just knew that if I let myself look, I might not be able to stop looking.”

“You shouldn’t say that until you’ve seen them without the sorcery of underwire,” she said.

With that he spun her to face him, catching her gaze to ensure he had her permission before tugging down the top of the dress so her breasts fell free.

“Gorgeous,” he said, easing to his knees so he could replace his fingers with his mouth. “Absolutely gorgeous.”

“If I known this was going to be your reaction, I would have worn a bodycon dress in front of you ages ago,” she said, threading her hands through his hair as he dragged his teeth and tongue along her nipple.

“You don’t need some tight dress to be sexy,” he said, resting his chin her her sternum so he could gaze up at her. “I’d take you in your overalls and pigtail braids any day.”

“Is this some Pippy Longstocking fetish we should all know about?”

He grinned, rising to his feet and giving one of her curls a playful tug.

“Because as devastating as you are playing dress up in your sister’s clothes, I prefer you as you.”

“You can’t say that when I’m naked,” she said with a smile, touching his cheek.

“Why not?”

“Because I may start crying and ruin the mood.”

He cocked his head to the side, tracing her lips with a finger.

“I wouldn’t mind a few tears from you in bed. But only if it’s from you sobbing in pleasure.”

His words sent blood pooling south, the intensity cause a dull throbbing.

“Why do I feel like you could do it, too?” She asked, reaching down to free his belt as he heeled out of his boots.

“Don’t tempt me,” he said, taking her hand and guiding it between his legs. “Forget this,” he said, squeezing gently so she could feel how hard he was. “I could go down on your all night and be the happiest guy on Earth.”

Emerie had said as much once, at a drunken girls’ night.

Azriel strikes me as the type of guy who loves eating girls out. It’s why gay women find him so easy to befriend; we recognize kindred spirit.

Elain vowed to never tell the others she’d been right.

“Will you let me?” He asked, gently nudging her dressing off her hips until it came free and pooled at her feet.

“Is this a trick question?” She said, voice going hoarse as he slipping a hand into her underwear.

“Some people don’t like it.”

“I’m not one of them,” she said, he smiled, coaxing her legs around his waist so he could carry her.

“Thank God,” he replayed. “That would break my heart. Which way?”

She pointed him in the right direction before giving into temptation and kissing him again, looking to way she could feel like body reacting to hers as he held her close. Only when they reached her room—which was decidedly messier than she’d have liked considering Azriel Macar was now in it—did he set her down.

He wasted no time into coaxing her onto the bed, taking only a moment to admire the silky black thong she wore before dragging into down her thighs and discarding it.

“Spread your legs for me, El,” he said, brushing kisses to her knee as she slowly did as he commanded.

The light from the nearby street lamp made the room a lot less dark than Elain was used to during sex, and for a moment she though to be embarrassed or postpone. Then she glanced down to admire the contrast of Azriel’s inky black hair framed against the pale skin of her thighs, and she forgot what it even meant to be self-conscious as he finally put him mouth on her.

She swore at the first brush of his tongue, which was both deliberate and extremely delicate. She threaded a hand through his hair at his second stroke, the touch more intentional this time.

“Azriel,” she breathed.

She watched the muscles in his beautiful back shift at this, as if hearing her moan his name had untethered something in him. When he put his mouth back on her, it was clear he was no longer attempted to tease her. Instead he felt right to where she needed him most, refusing to relent until she tipped over the edge.

Even then he didn’t seem satisfied, it and it was only after he made her come a second time did he pull back, licking his lips before bending to kiss her.

“Take your pants off,” she demanded. "Right now.”

She felt him grinning against her neck as he peeled off of her, slowly working the buttons of his pants before sliding them down his trim hips. He wore black boxer briefs underneath, and he honestly looked like an Armani model. She bit her lip, eying the sizable swell of him through the cotton.

“Those too,” she breathed, greedily drinking in his well-defined adonis belt and the bare trace of hair above the band.

He did as she commanded, and she nearly melted. Naked he was a God, all rippling muscles and smooth unblemished skin, save for the chest piece tattoo that extended onto his shoulders and halfway down his arms. She let her eyes sink lower. Even half-hard he was big, and her belly clenched.

Wasting no time, she urged him to take her place on the bed before kneeling at his feet and putting her mouth on it.

“Shit,” he hissed, driving a hand into his hand then down his face. “Ellie, you’re kiling me.”

She looked up at him through her lashes, and he growled in approval, seeming to decide something before breaking her grip on him and hauling her to her feet. He kissed her again, and she could feel his cock as it practically pulsed between them.

She still wasn’t sure she could believe it was for her, that somehow he wanted her as much as she did him, and had for almost as long.

“Condoms,” he breathed against her mouth. “I need to be inside of you.”

She froze.

“I don’t have any,” she said, dismayed.

How could she be so stupid? Why didn’t they stop on the way home? The closest bodega was six blocks, and she knew everyone who worked there. The last thing she needed was all of them knowing—

Azriel pressed a swift kiss to her lips before tangling from her.

“Where are you going?”

“To grab a condom.”

“Naked?

He flashed her a slight grimace, “Let’s agree you won’t ask where I get it from.”

“Oh Moses,” Elain said, face flushing scarlet as she listened to Nesta’s door creaking open.

Azriel was back in less than a minute, tossing an entire box onto the nightstand as he pulled open one of the foils with his teeth, using his free hand to push his damp hair, long enough to brush his cheekbones now that it wasn’t styled, out of his eyes.

“You found those distressingly fast,” Elain said, unsure if she was amused or mortified at the situation.

“Cash is predictable with his hiding spots,” Az said, eyes hooded as he stroked himself several times before rolling the condom onto his length.

“And why did you take the whole box?”

Azriel laughed softly.

“Because I have a feeling we’re going to need them.”

Without another word Az sank to his knees again, one hand lazily stroking himself to maintain his erection as he went down on her again.

This time it only last three seconds or so before he pulled back, resting one knee beside her hip to steady himself before pulling her onto his shaft in a single wet stroke. Using her left bent leg as leverage, he adjusted his angle, smirking at her low, guttural moan of pleasure.

“Good to know your g-spot is as sensitive as the rest of you,” he breathed, and she laughed and tugged him into an ambitious rhythm.

Soon the only sound was their shared breathing, and the sliding on their bodies against one another. She came first, and he followed even before the dizzying waves of pleasure ceased. He pumped lazily in and out of her for another half dozen stroke before gently extracting from her and peeling off the condom.

She curled against him, cheek pressed to chest as her hands continued to explore. Her fingers caressed his swelling pectorals and each of his abdominal muscles before lazily venturing back between his legs. He gave a hiss of pleasure as she began to work his silken shaft in earnest, and in minutes he was fully ready again.

He groaned when she snatched one of the condoms and rolled it onto him before swinging a leg over and sinking astride him.

Her third orgasm hit her only a short time later, and she sighed when he bucked up into her before going languid under her ministrations.

She leaned down to kiss him as he ran a soothing hand down her back.

“Jesus,” he breathed, pressing his forehead to hers and swirling his hips, still inside her despite his orgasm. “That was incredible.”

She purred her contentment, feeling something even more alluring than desire swell in her chest as he discarded the second condom and tugged her into his arms, tangling their legs. He still smelled like cologne, but it had mixed with her perfume, and sweat, and the scent was intoxicating. She wanted to bath in it—in him—until she died from bliss. She listened to his breathing even out, and as she was drifting off to bed, he felt his breath ruffle her hair.

“Do you like pancakes?” he murmured. “I want to make you breakfast in the morning.”

“Really?” she said, looking at him over a shoulder and melting at the warmth in his smile, less guarded now than it had been even hours before.

“I want to make breakfast for you every morning,” he breathed. “I have since I met you.”

She smiled, nestling closer to him.

“I’d love that, but I should probably be the one making you breakfast. It is your birthday, after all. You have to let me give you something other than a bj and a few orgasms for your birthday, even if it is your dirty 30.”

Az choked on a laugh.

“Say you‘ll dinner with me, then. No family or nosy friends around, just us.”

“I think the word you’re looking for it ‘date’,” she said, laughing as his cheeks flushed before realizing something. “Or is the idea just too formal for the situation? I know we did things a bit backwards...”

“We did,” he agreed, stroking her cheek. “But that doesn’t mean I want to spoil you any less. So yes a date, if you’ll still have me.”

“I will,” she said, meeting his hazel eyes before gently kissing him. “With pleasure.”

He smiled against her mouth.

“Then that’s the only birthday gift I want or need from you.”

She smiled, feeling happy to the point of bursting when he kissed her ear and closed his eyes again.

"Happy Birthday, Az.”

His hum of contentment vibrated through her back.

“The happiest,” he breathed.

#featherywrites #elriel smut #elain x azriel #acotar modern one shot #four word prompts

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noonblight · 3 years ago

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Just doing some pre-reading and I am so so excited to be finally starting the degree I’ve been dreaming about for ages next year. I’ve always been fascinated with how people work, be it psychology, culture, superstition, all of that stuff. In fact, a huge part of my special interests as an autistic person has always been *why* things fit together and why they change over time, with the written word and etymology and stories being a great two examples. I love knowing what makes people create the things that they do, what drives social connection, so going into Anthropology and Linguistics is so exciting for me.

It’s taken a long looong time to figure out that it’s what I genuinely want to study in life, as in prior years I’ve never really had the words to describe to others how my interests work because at first glance a lot of them seem unconnected. Since the youngest age it’s always been “storytelling” and “superstitions and why people have them” and “The way people interact with each other and why they do that” and “the transferral of information and how the method of transferral affects the message the other party receives”

And while trying to pay attention to those topics and find out the answers, along the way I’ve researched so many other interesting things that I never would have come to like if I hadn’t been so endlessly curious when I was younger. Botany, written language and how it forms and changes, mortuary studies, human and animal behaviour and physiology, and mythology/fiction in general.

To be honest, I think the biggest drive for this hunger to understand others and the lives they lead has always been because being autistic, it makes it quite hard to connect and understand others. I’ve always been given answers like “I don’t know” and “look it up” or “it’s not important” growing up when I asked the adults around me questions, and now I’ve been channeling this curiosity in a good way. I feel that by taking on this degree, I’m finally at my most comfortable and happy. I get to ask questions, I get to learn about the lives others lead. I get to understand more.

So it’s super nice to finally be able to come out of my shell proper after years of being a shut-in and wasting away mentally due to the situation I was in growing up, and to now know what I really want to do in life now that I’m healthier and happier and in a more stable situation. I’m going to become a librarian or archivist someday, doing my own research on the side, and I’m going to help others find the information they need for their jobs or schooling or hobbies or curiosities. I’m going to help nurture future generations and help them spark their curiosity and creativity. I’m going to sit in cafes with dear friends and babble the strangest new facts I can find for them, I’m going to fascinate the people I meet with new things, and I’m going to make sure I learn new things from them too. I want to be told stories and facts no matter how seemingly strange or pointless, I want to speak and be heard and I want to listen to others so bad it hurts.

To anyone out there reading this, it really does get better. I’m legally blind, I’m autistic, and I’ve found happiness, I hope you do too. <3

#noon speaks #noon talks #storytelling #english #linguistics #university #autistic #actually autistic #disabled #studyblr #research #anthropology #botany #librarians

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sugadaily · 3 years ago

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On tvN’s You Quiz on the Block, SUGA told stories from before his debut. The period of his life when he struggled with how to live off his music. SUGA and BTS have kept going and going for eight years, and now he’s on their grounds, where he can do anything he wants musically. What began with that long journey is the story of SUGA holding his head up higher and staring at the future, reaching for it.

How are you feeling after your shoulder surgery? You’re doing physical therapy in parallel with work. SUGA: I’m all right. I’m keeping up with the physical therapy, too. I had surgery last year because I wanted to be able to go back to work sooner. I have nothing else to do except music.

You said that there’s nothing for you to do other than music in the “BE-hind Story” interview on YouTube, too. SUGA: It’s true. I tried gaming, but I have no talent for it. The people I play with online get so frustrated if I do. I mean, I’m working hard and got some recognition in my life, and yet people bash me so hard in games. (laughs)

I wonder if there’s a game you can do better in than you do in your career. You’re currently at your sixth week at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 [with “Butter, at the time of this interview]. (laughs) How are you feeling these days? SUGA: When we were at number one for two weeks straight, I was like, Wow, this is so amazing! But after the fifth or sixth week, we really started to talk about it between ourselves: I really can’t believe this. Anyway, I feel like I have a responsibility. And I think I’ll end up thinking much, much more when we get ready for the next promotion. Even if I just try to enjoy this situation, it hasn’t sunk in. We can’t leave the country, plus there’s lots of issues in the world right now that are much more important than how well we perform on the charts.

As you say, it’s a tough situation, all over the world. How do you feel about releasing “Permission to Dance,” with its positive message, at this point in time? SUGA: It seems like everyone around the world is really tired of this situation dragging out. I wanted to convey a message that tells people to keep hanging on to hope until the very end. Whereas we released the album BE in this situation, seemingly without any certainty, I believe things will slowly get better now. I don’t know if we can go back to the way things were before, but I’m still working with the hope that we can return to a situation that resembles what we had before.

Aren’t you tired of the pandemic being in this prolonged state? SUGA: I look at it as, when you lose one thing, you gain another. I ended up being able to see my family more since I’m in Korea. In that sense, I feel more stable, so I’m not so much tired as hoping each day that things will become okay soon. I keep moving back and forth between work and home, and I’ve started to reflect on parts of myself I didn’t know about before. Like that I feel somewhat comfortable when I start and finish work at a certain time. While I used to have to go to bed at a certain time for work the next day or else I had a hard time getting up early, now I know I’ve figured out what time I should wake up at to make sure I feel good all day. What I pursue in life is emotional stability, and I don’t think there’s really anything too exciting or sad happening these days.

What effect do those emotions have when you work on music? SUGA: They don’t have a big effect on it. I think it affects the way I write lyrics a bit, but I’m not working on any lyrics at the moment. I’ve been making music for a long time, so I think it’s possible for me to express emotions I’m not feeling in the moment. And it’s good that we released “Permission to Dance” in this kind of situation.

You sing rather than rap in “Permission to Dance.” In addition to rapping, you started singing more both before and after BE. What did you learn about your voice? SUGA: “Permission to Dance” was a little bit difficult. I don’t draw a line between singing and rapping or anything, but it was different from our usual style, and the vocals were a bit high, too. So even though it took a while to prepare for it, I worked hard, and even when I asked some older musicians for their opinions, they all said, “It’s good the way you’re doing it. Don’t try to sing better—just sing more.” I think my only option is to sing more, like they suggested.

As far as style goes, you’ve been doing a smoother kind of pop music. Did any differences arise as a result of these changes? SUGA: All things considered, the English was the hardest part. I paid close attention to my pronunciation in “Butter” and “Permission to Dance.” It wasn’t easy to capture that smooth feeling in the songs, so I practiced my pronunciation quite a bit. And I end up breathing a lot when I’m doing an English song, but the rap parts were a bit hard for that reason. There’s a clear difference from Korean songs, since English has so many syllables. But I don’t have any one method I stick with for my vocals yet, so I tend to try lots of different things out.

What do you make of BTS’s achievements over the past year with “Permission to Dance” and “Butter,” as well as the group’s change in style? In the space of a year, you’ve released songs in a style different from MAP OF THE SOUL: 7 or BE. SUGA: As a producer, I think reactions are important to an artist who works within the field of popular music. With that in mind, speaking as a producer, “Dynamite,” “Butter” and “Permission to Dance” were the best choices. And musical tastes are different from country to country, and the cultures are different, too. Given that situation, I think it’s important that we’re a group who can send such a universal message out into the world.

BTS has really grown and changed a lot, starting with “No More Dream” and all the way to “Permission to Dance.” SUGA: I think it’s a natural course of event for those of us who make pop music. Artists mix and match different genres as they grow, and the music develops as the people of its time listen to it. I’ve been listening to a ton of music lately, and thanks to the times we live in, if I listen to a song a few times, they recommend me more songs in a similar style. And after listening to them, I realized the style of hip hop is also changing and is splitting off into different offshoots. Other than hip hop, I also listen to a lot of instrumental music. I’ve always liked Hans Zimmer’s music. There have been many times where a movie I like turns out to have music by Hans Zimmer.

What is it about Hans Zimmer’s music that draws you in? SUGA: I like orchestral music. There’s a lot of pop songs that are under the three-minute mark now, and whereas it’s sort of predetermined that they’re always written with intros that are four bars long, orchestral music can do a lot within its framework.

But, as can be seen in IU’s song “eight,” which you both produced and featured on, you broke out of pop music’s typical composition style and tried out a highly condensed progression. The composition of the chorus is very straightforward. SUGA: Yes. I insisted that the flow be roughly cut in half from that of a typical song, and I expect more pop music will be like that in the future. And maybe even shorter as time goes on. I mean, these days there’s songs that are under two minutes, even.

Regardless, I felt the chorus in “eight” is extremely dramatic with its structure and the melody of the chorus. I thought it was rather grand in scale as well. Would you say that you’re attempting to mix your tastes and things you want to do into the structure of pop music? SUGA: As you know, I love hip hop, so when I was first making music I thought it had to be hip hop no matter what and that I had to take pride in my own ideas and not accept any compromise. But while getting some experience at the forefront of pop music, I figured out that you can keep being stubborn or inflexible because there are people listening to you. There was a time I made music without any listeners before I became a member of BTS. But if someone were to ask if I stopped being stubborn about the music I’m making these days, the answer’s no. As I grew up and became an adult, I came to realize that I have to negotiate between what I want to do and the kind of music the public wants without compromising anything. When I give up on something I wanted to do, I ask myself, What will I get out of this? And conversely, when I want to do something, I ask myself, What can I get out of this? That’s how I keep my balance to make it to where I am now.

You have no choice but to think about those things when you work on other artists’ songs, especially when you’re a producer. SUGA: I’m BTS’s SUGA, and I’m Agust D, and when I’m producing, I go by “by SUGA.” But when it comes to by SUGA, I make perfectly commercial music. I’m the producer for those songs, sure, but the owner is someone else, you know? In that case, they’re commissioning my work. But they wouldn’t think about just leaving it all with SUGA. The artist’s label has to think carefully about whether to commission me for producing and consider my situation, too, and those people must be hoping for something commercial. That’s the most important part of working with outside people. Actually, that kind of work isn’t much of a benefit to me, to be honest. Oh, he can write this kind of song, too. That’s all. The more valuable thing I can get from it is the recognition and records the artist or the company will get with the song instead.

As you noted in your previous Weverse Magazine interview, when you discussed your “interest in the music industry in the US,” you seem to constantly think about the things artists can do within the framework of the music industry. SUGA: I don’t know. It’s just that I’ve become more certain since the pandemic started that I’m the kind of person who always has to be doing music. That much I know for sure, so I want to keep on making good music. And the pop music market is something that came about because there were people listening, and there’s a long history to the US music market, and it possesses the most influential charts in the whole word. So then I thought, Wouldn’t they have gone through all the same things that we have? And really, whenever I talk to other pop stars, the situation is always similar. The US is also more realistic about commercial results than any other country. I wanted an accurate picture of how those people work. Right now, Korean pop music’s spread is in full swing and we need more good artists to keep popping up. From a producer’s standpoint, if that’s going to happen, I think the key is how well we can mix our music and the characteristics of overseas music industries overall.

How did it feel to be in the lineup for the Grammy Awards, one of the icons of the US music industry? SUGA: The feeling was less immediate because we couldn’t be there in person, and it wasn’t a huge distinction, but the performance made me think, This is different, because it’s the Grammys. What changed my view from the first time I went to an American music awards ceremony was, the first time I went, I was really scared of the world’s biggest music market. But when I look back now, I don’t think I had any reason to feel that intimidated. To be honest, I have only now begun to enjoy the awards ceremonies; I wasn’t able to then.

It’s no exaggeration to say that you’ve achieved most of the things that you can as an artist in the music industry. What steps do you think are necessary for the artists who follow after BTS? SUGA: The way artists work seems so difficult. They make an appearance on a different music show every day once the promotional period begins, meaning the exhaustion artists face is enormous, and that fatigue often results in injuries as it adds up. That kind of music show is for promotional purposes, so it’s not like the artists can earn a proper income from them. On top of that, despite all the promoting, there’s no visible outcome, so they inevitably lose morale. If possible, it’d be nice to have one of the performances be really high-quality, even if it’s just the one, but in this environment I’d say that’s pretty difficult. And since our job doesn’t fit the common conception of work, there’s ambiguous boundaries when it comes to issues of legal protection as well. We need a lot of improvements to be made to the industry and its system.

They demand a lot of things as collateral for success, yet success is extremely difficult to attain. SUGA: The great thing about the label I’m with is they listen to the artists’ opinions. I think both we and the label know to a certain degree what kinds of activities would be best commercially speaking. But the question is whether the body can endure it or not. If the fatigue builds up as you continuously do those promotional activities, it’s hard to do them the way you did when you first debuted. In that case, I think the label ought to actively accommodate the artist’s views about what they can and cannot do. An attitude that’s just like, Oh, we made you kids, and as long as you just do what we tell you to it’ll all work out, so just do it—I think that really doesn’t make any sense. Of course, there could still be situations where the label has to be pushy like that, obviously. But I heard there’s been times where a label will just say, Do it, without any explanation to the artist, or, Why are you talking so much? I think that’s the biggest issue and it’s destroying the industry. If you just see the artist as a product, how can they do anything creative? I really think it’s very contradictory to ask the people on stage to put on an enjoyable performance when they’re experiencing neither fun nor enjoyment.

That reminds me of the music video for “Daechwita” somehow. You appear onscreen as both a rebel character and a king, looking as different as your situation when you first debuted with BTS and your situation now. SUGA: There was a lot I wanted to do in “Daechwita,” not just musically but also visually, and a lot of ideas came to me as I came to reflect on who I am as a person while working on the music video. It naturally occurred to me to separate SUGA, by SUGA and Agust D. The character I played in that video who wasn’t the king was a stranger. It takes place during the Joseon era, but then there’s cars and guns, which of course don’t belong in that era. I think we’ve been living our lives that way. Right from our debut, a portion of the hip hop lovers criticized us by saying, They’re idols. But at the same time, we heard things like, They’re not idols. I didn’t know which drumbeat to march to, so I think that’s why each of our albums took a different direction than people were expecting. But I don’t think I can call myself a stranger in this situation anymore. So these days my main goal is to keep going with BTS for a long time. Having a huge audience show up at our concerts is nice, but I think the goal for all of us is to make sure the group can keep making music even as we get older. I think right now we’re thinking a lot about how we can have fun and be happy on stage.

What do you mean when you say fun and happy music? SUGA: I think people are happier the busier I am, so lately I’ve been thinking that I need to focus a little more. I figure we should do as much as we can for ARMY since they feel happy watching us. We’ll continue to try our best, so I hope they believe in BTS and keep their eyes on us.

So that’s why you do music. SUGA: This is the only thing I know how to really do. Other than music and BTS, there’s nothing special about me when I look at this 28-year-old Min Yoongi. That’s why I want to keep doing this.

#yoongi #suga #bangtan #bts #210730 #interview

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simplepotatofarmer · 3 years ago

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For the birthday post perhaps could you talk about your favorite c!Technoblade dynamic?

perfect!

if i'm honest, c!techno's relationships with the various people on the smp are among my favorites. there's always something deeply comforting about them. he has a way of interacting with people that's light-hearted and yet often kind in his way.

i love his and ranboo's friendship, particularly how much concern techno shows for him. he tries to act as if he doesn't care or feel anything for him - 'my heart isn't moved at all' - but it's clear that's not the case. even before ranboo moved to the arctic, techno was looking out for him. he found the 'do not read' book in a moment where ranboo was on the opposing side of him and gave it back, telling him to get out of there. and when bad trapped him with the egg, techno tried to stay calm but the worry in his voice was clear. despite techno being protective of his possessions and despite ranboo having his own trident, techno still threw his down in an effort to get ranboo out. then there's the entire woodland mansion trip which contains such good natured ribbing and affection and the fact that techno reacted to ranboo's 'main character powers' by immediately declaring himself ranboo's mentor.

i also adore the way c!techno interacts with c!dream. dream has painted himself as a villain and has been painted as the server boogeyman not undeservedly. but techno looks at dream, who is considered his equal in skill, and spends the entire time treating him like anyone else. he teases the shit out of dream while also acknowledging they're on equal footing (the power play between them at the nether portal confrontation is the best example, they were both figuring each other out, what each of them was willing to do or give in the context of the favor). personally, i think that's important for dream and i like that techno is so often able to get that frustrated laugh out of him.

but my absolute favorite is, of course, him and phil.

there's a lot of headcanons surrounding how they met. i love all of them but i'll admit, my favorite is them meeting as adults. something about how close their friendship is, how deeply they care about each other, but without the undertones of a father-son dynamic just honestly moves me. it just does. phil treats techno as an equal, someone he chooses to look out for because he cares for him, not because of any sort of obligation. phil knows his friend so well. knows when he's stressed, when something's wrong - 'are you okay? you're awfully jumpy' - and he knows what sort of comfort that techno needs: someone who will be there for him, quietly, consistently, without wanting anything from him, seeing him as a person, simply because he cares for techno. for someone like techno, who struggles with paranoia, anxiety, and the fear of being used and betrayed/left, the fact that phil is consistently by his side? so important. he puts his trust in techno, a huge thing considering he only has one canon life, and stands by him. techno doesn't need grand gestures, he needs exactly what phil gives him out of no obligation, merely because he cares for techno.

and the way techno is with phil? so sweet, so soft.

techno is an emotional person. he struggles with showing those emotions but they're there and he feels them deeply, you can see it in the moments it bubbles to the surface, how sometimes his voice cracks a bit when he yells, the moments where he goes quiet because he's moved and doesn't know how to express it. because expressing it might make him vulnerable and that might get him hurt again. but with phil, he puts how much he cares about him on full display. this is his friend, the one person he trusts, the one of the very few that hasn't hurt or used him. and so techno declares that he would give the world for phil, he entrusts him with his location, with his safety, he gives him a gift explicitly stating their friendship, he puts himself in harms way for phil - it's always 'technoblade never dies' until it's 'phil look out' instead - and when he was being dragged to his death, the words he shouted were concern for his friend.

there is something truly, genuinely touching about their friendship. how they know each other so well and know what the other needs. techno trusts phil, not only with his location and safety but with his struggles dealing with the voices. techno also worries about what phil thinks of him. he didn't show phil the vault because he didn't want his friend to think poorly of him. techno, who seemingly doesn't care about what others think of him, truly wants to be good and worthy in phil's eyes. but this doesn't mean they don't disagree! in fact, they do, they have, and i find that just as important. there is a deep respect and care for each other that even in a world where the smallest of disagreements can result in a blood feud or all out war, they can disagree and that stands out and in the best way possible.

in short, sometimes when i think about how much they care for each other, how their friendship is founded on mutual respect, the way phil built his house to connect to techno's as if to say 'i'm always by your side, mate', the way techno knowing he was a wanted man handed phil the compass as if to say 'trusting you is more important', i have to sit down and cry.

happy birthday, cc!techno, and thank you for creating a character who is complex and interesting and has so many interesting and moving relationships.

#loyal answers things #technoblade #philza #ranboo #dream smp #dreamwastaken #friendship emeralds #rivalsblr #dsmp analysis #loyal does meta #anyway..... i love them and i cried writing this i love techno so much???#this was perfect anon thank you

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true-blue-megamind · 4 years ago

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FAN THEORY SUPPOSITION SUNDAY: The Warden

SPOILER WARNING! It’s still a thing, and, if you haven’t yet, you still need to watch Megamind. (If you have seen it already, however, you need to see it again. Because it’s awesome.)

Yes, yes, the post is three days late this time. Real life has to take priority and such. So sue me. (Don’t really do that. LOL!)

For that same reason—or more accurately because this week has exhausted me—I will attempt to make this post shorter than usual. We’ll see how that goes. My money is on “not well.” LOL.

Anyway, today we’re going to look at a subject that often divides the Megamind fandom: the Warden and his relationship with Megamind. There are several fan theories—I mean, suppositions—surrounding this, but I’m going to be focusing on a few of the main ones.

The first of these is that the Warden was actually a father figure to Megamind when he was young, allowing him to be raised in jail not out of cruelty or disinterest, but because it was the only way to keep him safe from shadowy government agencies that otherwise would have performed all sorts of experiments on the blue alien. This both accounts for why a child would be allowed to grow up in what is clearly a high-security prison for dangerous adult criminals—something that, admittedly, needs some sort of explanation—and fits with widely accepted sci-fi and comic book tropes. (From Area 51 to mysterious “Men in Black” type organizations, fiction is full of government agencies created to study extraterrestrial life and technology.) Some even go so far as to suggest that the Warden may have tried to adopt Megamind officially, but was blocked from doing so by these same entities. On top of this, such an idea also offers room to re-imagine the Warden as a much more interesting, complex, and sympathetic character. Indeed, there has been some excellent fan fiction written about this pseudo-parental relationship.

Art: Fathers And Sons Day by tabbydragon

There is some evidence to support this. The first is that, although the Warden behaves harshly toward Megamind in the “jail-break” scene near the beginning of the film, Megamind himself seems to be trying to engage in a playful exchange: pranking the older man, wishing him a good morning, and even teasing him. While some say that this is simply Megamind’s personality as well as his determination to always appear indominable, others suggest that, perhaps, the blue man is trying to recapture a lost amiability between himself and the prison Warden. It is possible that, when he was younger and less villainous, Megamind might have exchanged friendly jokes and greetings with the man in charge of the jail he called home. It has even been suggested that the Warden is so hard on the blue man at the beginning of the film not because he hates Megamind, but because Megamind’s life choices have hurt and alienated his father figure. This idea finds some support in the facts that, when Megamind leaves jail to confront Titan, the Warden wished him good luck, and at the end of the movie, that same man seems genuinely happy as he watches the television broadcast of his one-time prisoner being named Defender of Metro City. Finally, there is some evidence from the comics which, although not truly considered canon, as I’ve mentioned before, do offer some material for fan theories. In the “episode” entitled Bad Minion! Bad! Megamind runs into the Warden in a bar, and the latter offers the former advice. There is certainly a somewhat fatherly feel to the scene.

The second theory is exactly the opposite: that the Warden either did not care for or outright disliked the former supervillain. Unfortunately, as fun as the Warden/Father Figure concept is, this second, darker idea has far stronger evidence to support it in the film itself. (Try not to hate me, everyone.) These clues range from the obvious to the subtle, but there are quite a few of them to be found.

During the first scene in which we see Warden interact with Megamind, he doesn’t behave like an angry, disappointed father—at least not a good one. He isn’t merely surly toward Megamind; he is absolutely nasty. The Warden verbally condemns the alien, telling him that he’ll “always be a villain,” and essentially steals what he believes is a gift for the blue man, even taunting him by saying: “I think I’ll keep it!” This hardly seems like the actions of someone who once felt any sort of affection for the extraterrestrial. That same portion of the movie holds another clue as well: the screens monitoring Megamind’s brain activity. Indeed, in original concept art for the film, the system appears both more invasive and more nightmarish. It seems that, far from protecting Megamind, the Warden may have actually allowed him to be experimented upon.

Next, there is the newspaper article at the beginning of the title sequence, which bears the headline “Hometown Boy Makes Bad.” It’s hard to see what the paper says, of course, even if you bother to really notice it, but luckily for us Liz (Demishock) wrote a wonderfully thorough blog post which, among other things, provides a transcript of the “news story.” In it, the Warden is quoted as referring to young Megamind as a born villain as well as abnormal.

You don't know this kid. I've watched the little criminal since he was in diapers. This kid is just a bad seed. I've got experienced, hardened criminals in here who are afraid of him - I mean, have you seen the size of his head?… It's not like he's a normal kid… I mean, have you gotten a good look at his gigantic blue head? I don't know where you come from, but where I come it's just not right.

Granted, there seems to be some truth to what the Warden is saying, as the article also mentions that Megamind, who can hardly have been more than seven years old at the time, has basically been put into solitary confinement for the safety of other prisoners following an unnamed incident, adding that the other inmates “refused to point fingers for fear of retaliation.” (This fits with the fan theory that young Megamind would have had to both fight and develop a fearsome reputation in order to protect himself. You can read more about that in the post How Strong is Megamind?) However, the Warden seems to dwell a lot on the fact that Megamind looks alien, and he displays an obvious dislike for the young boy.

Finally, there is evidence hidden in the school scene, although it’s easy to miss. In an amazing two-part video series, Megamind: A City of Deception. YouTuber The Theorizer illustrates several hidden clues about Megamind’s early life and how it it led him to embrace villainy. (I will very likely write another post going into more detail about that at a later date.) One thing that The Theorizer discovered is a seemingly innocuous detail in the background during the popcorn scene. Take a moment to examine the images below. Look closely at the blackboard and you’ll see a paper cut out of a school bus. Look even more closely at that and you’ll find something odd: the bus is full of crayon-drawn children except for one figure: an adult male, riding in the back of the bus, who looks suspiciously like the Warden as he appears at the beginning of the film.

In a movie where so much attention is given to small things—I mean, seriously, the animation team actually went through the trouble to write a news story for a paper that was on the screen less than ten seconds—this cannot possibly be a coincidence. (You can learn more about the artists’ amazing dedication to detail in my post What’s Hidden in the Animation?) Although it is vaguely possible that Megamind, painfully aware of how much his appearance was despised, chose to draw the Warden’s face instead of his own, most fans believe there is a darker reason for this oddity.

Think about it: the Li’l Gifted School for Li’l Gifted Kids is built close by a jail with a strangely similar name: Metro City Prison for the Criminally Gifted. It’s clearly a small academy, yet the only two known aliens in the city—who, by the way, have extremely different social backgrounds—both just happen to attend there. And now the prison warden appears to be somehow involved with the elementary school? It’s bizarre. Add to this the fact that the young alien adopted by a privileged family—a boy who possessed super-strength and laser vision—seemed inclined to be a bully, (as is made obvious by the kickball scene,) and a disturbing fan theory emerges. Adults realized that Wayne Smith, the child who would eventually become Metro Man, might prove dangerous if left unchecked, and came up with a plan to turn him into a hero instead. Wayne was showered with praise, conditioning him to seek public approval, but a superhero needs a nemesis. The strange-looking, unwanted blue boy who’d already been labeled a criminal would have seemed like the obvious choice. If this is true, then Megamind was purposefully, albeit covertly, groomed to become a supervillain from a young age, and the Warden played a major role in doing that.

So there you have it. Two competing fan theories concerning the Warden’s connection with Megamind. Both have some evidence supporting them, and there are fans who are firmly dedicated to one or the other. Which is true? Did the Warden care for Megamind like a son but distance himself when the boy turned to villainy? Or did he judge and despise Megamind but come around to liking him when he finally realized what sort of person the blue man was deep down? The fact is that those questions can be argued for hours on end. No matter which of these suppositions you prefer, however, the mere fact that even a minor supporting character is complex enough to offer room for this debate speaks to the impressive amount of work and devotion that went into creating this amazing animated film.

#Megamind #Megamind movie #Megamind fan theory #fan theory #fan theories #fanon #Warden #the Warden #connection #relationship #relationships

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faelicy · 4 years ago

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Miss Faelicy I would love to get your opinion on Bingqiu.

I see people posting things like how they are "problematic" and how they don't really love each other and SQQ only feels sympathy etc. Obviously there were struggles between them as there should be (considering all that happened) and just because sqq wasn't very open and super obvious about his feelings doesn't mean they are not there..this is how I interpreted it. I would love to know your opinion

Hello! This also covers part 2 of the previous ask.

First, massive spoilers for the end of the novel. Second, a disclaimer: I despise shipwars, which I think are behind most of those comments. I hate them because it's usually all in bad faith: everyone's already committed to their interpretation of the ships, and any discussion is just a guise for justifying their preferences.

So to any readers: I don't want anything here to be used as shipwar fuel. This post is about Bingqiu's canon arc and themes. Basically, I don't know or care if Bingqiu is a good ship, but I do think it's a well-written one.

I'll start by saying directly: for most of the novel, Bingqiu is neither healthy nor romantic. And that this is not bad writing, but on purpose.

A relationship that drives one party to mental breakdown isn't healthy. A relationship where that party says it's okay to hurt or kill them can't possibly be healthy. That happened because there was something deeply wrong with their relationship, something that can't be reduced to Xin Mo, miscommunication, or LBH throwing a tropey yandere fit.

And out of all three MXTX novels, only SV lacks a love confession from the MC to the ML. Again, I don't think it's an oversight, or just because SQQ's face is too thin. There are plenty of ways MXTX could have worked a subtle one in if she really wanted to.

In my opinion, Bingqiu's narrative can be split up into four arcs: Qing Jing Peak (ch 1-27), Jin Lan City (28-43), Post-revival (29-55), and Reconciliation (56-81). Other than the first arc, where their relationship is pretty straightforward, Bingqiu spend most of the rest in direct conflict.

I'll give an overview of the arcs here, but what I truly want to say about Bingqiu starts in arc 4, so if you're impatient you can scroll down. But the overview might help add context.

Jin Lan City arc is about LBH's anger at being brutally betrayed by the one person he thought he could trust. Here he tries to force answers out of SQQ, who he believes both hates him and is a hypocrite. He's driven by a desire to return to the past, but his rage and love makes his actions contradictory: on one hand he tries to win SQQ's approval constructively, by climbing to the top of Huan Hua Palace and performing good deeds, on the other hand his belief that SQQ doesn't care about him so it's all futile anyway (reinforced by SQQ's own actions) causes him to lash out destructively, going as far as to hurt and imprison SQQ.

LBH's bitterness is portrayed very negatively, because all it does is instill despair into SQQ, until SQQ ends up believing that he's only been a blight on LBH's life, and that he must make up for it by killing himself. Whereupon LBH breaks down, regressing into a childlike state. Some might ask, why does LBH never bring up the Abyss again afterwards? It's because he gives up here. This entire arc is about getting LBH to let go of past wrongs and to stop seeking answers, whether the reader believes it's fair to him or not. Because SQQ's life is more important.

Post-revival arc then is about SQQ trying to come to terms with a blackened LBH who also loves him. Interestingly, despite SQQ's horror at realizing LBH was romantically interested in him all along, SQQ actually has a very subtle but telling secondary reaction. To explain, let's back up to the first arc.

Starting around ch 9, probably as a sign of his growing affection, SQQ begins addressing LBH as 这孩子, or "this child," in his internal monologue, instead of LBH's name. He does it once each in ch 9, 12, 17, 21, 25. However, once Jin Lan City arc starts, SQQ drops the address entirely. LBH and "child" are never brought up together except for one snarky comment on LBH's tantrum being disgracefully childish in ch 38.

At first glance this doesn't look noteworthy because LBH by this point is no longer a kid. But when LBH kisses him in ch 49, SQQ changes again: right away he returns to using "child" on LBH, and the "this child" address starts popping up at a much higher frequency. By the end of SV SQQ has referred to LBH as a child in some manner at least 35 times (yes I went and counted), with the vast majority after ch 49, and he continues to do so right into the last extra.

Why was SQQ unwilling to use this address of affection for over 20 chapters? Perhaps because he too thought LBH hated him, and couldn't bear to think about him so intimately knowing that. So SQQ immediately falling back into it the moment he learns LBH loves him is a sign of his relief. He's still dismayed at the romantic part, but though SQQ likes to deflect from his real emotions (this is the guy who focused on bad naming sense after being fatally poisoned, who cavalierly commented only after it was all over that he'd expected to die), the fact that LBH loves and doesn't hate him, means a lot.

Here SQQ's feelings towards LBH are at their most complicated. He still assumes the worst of him like in Jin Lan City, but now because of the above, also sees a lonely child whenever LBH is unhappy and lost. It's like he has two filters actively interfering with each other, "crazed criminal" and "pitiful child," and so he flip-flops between pushing LBH away and comforting him. But when LBH drags CQMS into it, and even seemingly takes advantage of SQQ's love for him, SQQ's negative image and frustration with him only grows, until he finally snaps and tells LBH to never come near him again.

At this point SQQ still believes that LBH is the same black-hearted, invincible, devil incarnate that og!LBH was portrayed to be. The Reconciliation arc starts by chipping away at this filter that's been plaguing SQQ for so long. First the revelation that TLJ/ZZL was behind the sowers, thus clearing LBH's name at Jin Lan City. Then we see how unloved he is by his own father; we see him injured and helpless and unconscious. Meng Mo yells at SQQ, reinforcing that image of a vulnerable, terrified child. So by ch 62 SQQ has thrown away the "crazed criminal" filter completely, and in that same chapter they cling to each other and finally make up. Because while it's true that the current LBH is misanthropic, antisocial, and mercurial, SQQ has also finally accepted that he's still the same LBH he'd raised and doted on, back on Qing Jing Peak.

Now I'm going to talk about what I see as the most important part of Bingqiu. Yes, despite the wall of text already.

A common sentiment of Bingqiu shippers about their issues seems to be, "SQQ is dumb and oblivious; he can't figure out what LBH needs even though he loves him because he sees LBH as a novel character," but I think the problem is far more complicated and insidious than that. If that was everything, why give SQQ the epiphany that he misunderstood LBH so early? Why have him think in ch 66 that "truthfully, he'd never really trusted Luo Binghe, and that's why he kept accidentally hurting him?" If he's already realized that he shouldn't treat LBH like og!LBH (he even meets og!LBH in ch 71 to rub it in further), why do we go another 13 chapters believing their relationship is good and well, even giving us a sweet, happy moment in ch 75, only to show LBH having the worst breakdown of the novel just 4 chapters later? Was it all just padding to demonstrate the danger of Xin Mo?

Or is there something else beneath the surface?

In ch 66, the same chapter where SQQ implies he doesn't want to accidentally hurt LBH anymore, he says something telling. When LQG is skeptical that LBH can be trusted, SQQ thinks, 家里孩子不懂事，大人不容易做, or "when your child doesn't know any better, as the adult you don't have it easy." The child here of course refers to LBH, and the adult is SQQ, who's complaining about smoothing over LBH's messes. But what is SQQ implying here?

Doesn't know any better? That's what you say about a toddler who can't think for themselves, not a grown man. LBH is 25 and SQQ thinks he doesn't know better. Doesn't know better about what? LBH's wants, his needs? His feelings? Or even what's good for him?

And then you realize that's exactly how SQQ's always treated him, like a helpless child who can't make his own choices.

It's SQQ who chooses to throw LBH down into the Abyss without trying to talk to him. It's SQQ who decides that keeping silent is the best choice. It's SQQ who believes self-destructing in front of LBH will help, who thinks that breaking off their relationship is for the better. And it's SQQ who scolds LBH into tolerating CQMS, even though they hate each other and CQMS is hostile towards him. Who forces him to leave first at Zhao Hua Temple despite LBH's pleas otherwise, who shoos him out the window when CQMS walks in on them.

Every single one of these decisions, SQQ made believing it was for the best (repair LBH's relationship with his family, help him avoid arrest, not wanting to make excuses, wanting LBH to be free of his hatred), and every single one of them only damaged LBH further. Because SQQ's never listened to him, even once. Never consulted him or considered his feelings.

(And LBH did try to bring up his feelings on one of the matters in ch 75. He insinuates to SQQ that he doesn't like LQG calling him "little beast" or "ingrate." And SQQ's response is to dismiss them entirely, saying that LQG's "not wrong.")

SQQ has always loved LBH, but he's never once respected LBH's agency or personhood. Because LBH doesn't know better and SQQ does, so SQQ must make all his decisions for him.

And this, amplified by Xin Mo, is what finally drives LBH mad in ch 79.

To LBH, the important part isn't whether SQQ loves him, which I think he knew after ch 43 (it's why he can be so daring and pushy with SQQ's boundaries). What's important is that the moment SQQ believes abandoning LBH is justified for whatever reason again, SQQ absolutely will.

Ch 80's two-way noncon (since LBH was basically unconscious and couldn't consent) tends to draw most of the attention, but I actually think that what happens afterwards is one of the most important scenes for Bingqiu. There SQQ tries to sacrifice himself a second time for LBH, drawing Xin Mo's demonic qi into his body. Yet the novel claims that SQQ's actions here are completely different than in ch 43. SQQ himself says that this time he's doing it for LBH, while last time he was doing it for himself. But can the reader see a functional difference?

There is one, in fact: it's SQQ's response to LBH's choice afterwards. LBH decides to follow SQQ in death, even though this would void the point of SQQ's sacrifice. But instead of insisting otherwise, SQQ just accepts it. Because he finally understands that whether LBH's life is worth living, whether LBH will be better off, is for LBH and only LBH to decide.

It's the first time he respects LBH's agency. And this is the only reason why he and LBH can finally begin building a healthy relationship on the mess they've had up to now.

So that's what I see as the true beauty behind Bingqiu. It's about communication and mistaken assumptions, yes, but it's also about the nature of love between parent and child. The romantic developments were left to the extras, I believe, because this was the main story MXTX wanted to tell with them. Their relationship as lovers only starts afterwards, hence why SV ends with, "the story between you and I, has only just begun." It was never meant to be a whirlwind romance where they fall in love cleanly. It might not to be to everyone's tastes, but an incredible amount of thought was put into the narrative, and that's what amazed me when I first finished this novel.

(This post went on way too long and I ended up cutting off a huge chunk of tangential stuff and how SQQ came to his realization in ch 79: he didn't do it alone. It took him seeing the LBH in TLJ and the himself in YQY for him to understand. In fact, YQY and og!SQQ's relationship has a similar parent-and-child dynamic. I've touched on it before on twitter; if there's interest I might try writing that up here too.)

#scum villain #svsss #scum villain's self saving system #sv meta #spoilers #fae's meta #translation notes

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shurisneakers · 4 years ago

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shut in [5]

Summary: When your high profile mission goes terribly wrong, you’re forced to hide in a safehouse with a man you’ve never met before. With seemingly nowhere else to go, you’re forced to work together to figure out who is trying to have you assassinated before it’s too late. (Sam Wilson x Reader, Hitman AU)

Warnings: cursing, threats, implied ptsd, violence

Word count: 2.9k

A/N: sam wilson nation how are we feeling after that trailer. only about a month to go for my two dumbasses to get the recognition they deserve!!

i also appreciate feedback so if you would like to, please consider dropping me an ask or comment ly guys!! also if you want to be on the taglist, it’s mentioned at the bottom of the chapter.

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Shut In Masterlist

“Where are they?”

“We don’t know, boss.”

Their eyes glossed over with rising anger, masking its earlier aloofness.

“I’m going to need more than ‘I don’t know’.” Their voice was acidic, dripping with faux politeness. A bad sign.

“Police say they pulled off the highway at one point and then they lost track of them because there were no cameras.” The agent looked at his partner who only nodded in confirmation.

“They could have ditched the car before going on foot,” the partner suggested rather unhelpfully, “We have no idea where they could be”

They were silent, mouth pressed in a hard line, leaving everyone in silence.

“Have I told you about the time my dad hired someone to fix the sink here?” they finally asked, looking away from the agents. “Some drunk fuck got in a fistfight and absolutely decimated the thing. Dad got someone to fix the hole in the wall and the fitting.”

They turned away, facing the wall.

“He did an alright job, that guy. Fixed up the place, installed a new sink. But there was a problem that he said he’d be able to fix only the next day, something about water dripping through an unsealed pipe.”

The agents just sat there on their chairs, feet cold. They knew where the story was going. It was a myth at their organisation, a cautionary tale to everyone who joined.

“My dad, he agreed. Said ‘Yeah sure, come back tomorrow’. Guy packed up his bag and was on his way out when my dad called him back. Asked him to hold out his hand for the money and then he just,” they paused, “cut one of his fingers clean off. Told him that he’d get his payment and his finger when the job was done.”

“I loved my father,” They skipped a beat before whipping their head around to look at the two agents. “But he was a coward. I would have shot him in the head.”

The agents looked paler than what they were a few seconds ago.

“If I tell you to do something, either do it perfectly or don’t do it all because the next time you’re here and those two are still alive,” they sneered, lunging forward to grab one of their collars, “I’ll blow your fucking brains out. Do we have an understanding?”

“Yes boss,” the partner was barely audible, speaking for the one who was breathing heavily, looking like he was on the verge of passing out.

“Go on then.” They smiled, letting go of the agent’s collar as he stayed frozen in his place. They dusted their hands off before straightening up. “Don’t return without good news.”

The frustration of not knowing something was not one you were used to.

You were used to knowing. The satisfaction of a puzzle. The ease of a predictable pattern.

So when this mystery wasn’t getting solved within twenty minutes, it was starting to affect you. You spent hours staring at the ceiling, replaying every detail for months leading up to the case. Every client you shook hands with. Every coworker you greeted with a nod. Every vile sicko you had killed.

And yet, no matter how much you thought and rethought and rethought again, it simply didn’t make sense. There was a piece missing. A hidden variable.

Sam helped wherever he could. He offered up arguments and rebuttals. If you had a theory, he’d find the flaw or the lack of proof. He was keeping it reasonable. Only snorted when you suggested that maybe the president was involved in a large scale extermination of underground mafias. A absurd theory that had no roots in reality.

“You could point out any official on the damn senate and they would have some connection to our gang that you can dig up with one Red Bull and twenty minutes on the internet,” he had said. “It’s too much of a liability if we get caught. They’ll just get exposed for all the nasty shit they’ve been hiding under the carpet.”

You knew this, of course, and it didn’t help to be reminded of it again because it also meant that one more theory was ruled out. And with each theory ruled out, the further away you were from your answer.

It was frustrating.

Sam was in front of the TV, lounging on the couch with the copy of Pride and Prejudice in his hands. You were working on plausible solutions, drawing up flow charts to see what could be connected.

If Pierce wasn’t the common link then it had to be something else. You couldn’t proceed with the other spies theory because no one else immediately sprung to mind. There was one... but you decided against writing it.

If Ransone was telling the truth, and there was no way of knowing he was, Sam and you were unrelated and his being there was coincidental. You just had to rely on the employee-employer relationship you shared, if you could even call it that.

“Fuck,” you cursed loudly, tearing up the piece of paper and crumpling it. You groaned, holding your head in your hands. Your eyes were burning from straining it for too long and your shoulders were in pain from slumping over the table all day.

You took a deep breath, shaking your head before instinctively reaching for another sheet. Your hand came up short so you fumbled around the table blindly, trying to grab at a piece of paper without spending the extra effort of searching.

“You’re not getting another sheet,” Sam’s voice came from above you. “You’re going to watch some shitty movie, eat some soup and relax for today.”

“Give it back, Wilson,” you muttered, reaching out your hand.

“No. You can use your unhealthy coping mechanism when I’m not around to see it. Half of this is my mess too and I’m not going to watch you have a breakdown over it.”

He was going to be annoyingly persistent; somehow he had exhibited that magnificently over the last few days. You knew better than to argue with him over something that he had made his mind up about by now.

“I don’t want to watch a movie.” You let your head fall onto the table, wishing that the cool wood would do something for the headache you felt coming.

You heard him set the paper back down, not saying a word. Your head was throbbing and all you wanted was the frustration to ease. It was killing you.

“Come on. We’re going outside.” That piqued your interest. Sam had never invited you anywhere before.

“Where?”

“Y’know; the outside. I know you haven’t seen it in a while but see if these words jog your memory. Sun. Grass. Win-”

“I know what the outdoors is, Wilson.” You smiled against the table, not giving him the satisfaction of seeing it. “I’m asking where exactly we’re going.”

“You’ll see. Put some shoes on.”

By the time you looked up he was already walking away from the table, leaving you to follow.

You sighed. He sounded too determined and you didn’t have many other options.

Pushing your chair away from the table, you went to go put on your shoes. __

“If in care you were planning to, I’m just going to tell you right now that you can’t kill me.”

The both of you had been wandering along the path for a while. When you met him by the backdoor, he had a bag with him filled with who knows what.

He declined to tell you what was in it either, despite you asking thrice.

“Calm down, Keanu Reeves. That’s not what I was going to do.” Sam gave a short laugh.

“I’m serious. I know karate.”

“So do I.”

“Krav Maga.”

He hummed in agreement.

“Kickboxing.”

“Now you’re just insulting me. That’s level one.”

The path was littered with tree roots that stuck out of the soil, stray branches and leaves that crunched satisfactorily under your feet. One second of distraction and you were sure you’d fall flat to the ground.

You both continued for a few more minutes before he finally came to a stop.

It didn't look very different from the rest of the woods until something caught your eye. In front of you, one of the trees stood out. The bark had large concentric circles, resembling a large dart board. A few indentations were already made in it; clearly it was being used for practice regularly.

“Here you go,” he spoke from beside you, handing you a tomahawk. “Go ahead, throw it at it.”

You looked at the tiny axe in his hand.

“Think of it as adult darts,” he encouraged, “Here, I’ll throw the first one.”

He extended his arm in front of him, pulling his wrist back before effortlessly throwing it at his makeshift board. It was two circles away from the bullseye he had carved out. It must have taken a while to make.

“This doesn’t look very safe,” you commented as he picked up another one, launching it at the tree. You followed its trajectory, watching it embed itself into the bark closer to the centre than the previous turn.

“That’s what makes it fun.” This man had no regard for safety protocols. Given, these were things that came with the job but it didn’t mean you did it in your free time. “It helps, just try.”

“Why are you doing this?” you asked curiously, trying to assess his reaction. Pulling you out of the house for a bar game wasn’t exactly the type of thing people generally did for you.

“Because I wanted to.” He shrugged, not giving you any further explanation. “Try one.”

“Okay.” You followed his example, watching as it glided smoothly before landing close to his initial throw.

“Nice shot.”

A smile made its way to your face automatically as he handed you another one. You repeated your action, an unusual sense of pride establishing itself in you when it came closer to the middle.

“Now what?”

“Now we collect and do the whole thing again till you feel better,” Sam replied, making his way towards the tree and plucking the small axes out easily. His back muscles tightened against the material of his shirt in the process. It wasn’t a bad sight at all. “Endorphins and all that.

“Is this where you keep disappearing to?” you inquired, taking two of them from him when he returned.

“Sometimes.” He took aim before throwing it at the board. “There’s a few things you can do around here.”

“Your coping mechanism is extreme sports without proper guidelines.”

“You gotta do what you gotta do.” Sam took a step to the side, giving you space to take your turn.

“Have you always been this wise, or?” you teased, concentrating on the circles in front of you. Your shot came pretty close.

When you didn’t receive a reply, you glanced at him through your peripheral vision. He wasn’t moving, a thousand yard stare in his eyes.

“Hit it.”

“I can’t.” His fists were bleeding through the bandages wound around them. He could feel the tear in his skin, the burn of flesh against sweat soaked clothes.

“I said, hit it,” Emil commanded once more. Sam could feel his chest rising and falling steadily from beside him, his putrid breath making him want to vomit.

“I can’t.” He could barely stand up. Exhaustion seeped through every muscle in his body.

“You’re weak,” his trainer spat. “Nothing but a fucking child.”

“He’ll die.” Sam looks down at the boy, bloody and mangled on the floor. He had passed out ages ago but that did nothing to stop them from forcing Sam to continue relentlessly.

“It doesn’t deserve mercy. You hear that Wilson?” He leered right into his ear. “Do you fucking hear that?”

Sam flinched, nodding his head. The saltiness of his sweat was fresh on his tongue, burning where it dripped onto his busted lip from his forehead.

“So fucking finish it.” He knew that if he didn’t listen this time, there would be consequences. He didn’t want to find out what it was because he had no doubt it would pain a hell of a lot more than bruised knuckles.

“No,” he whispered, eyes wandering over the body on the floor. “I won’t.”

“What’d you say?” Emil straightened up, taking a step towards him.

“I said no.” Sam turned around on his heel. He could barely stand straight but the spite running through his veins was driving him, giving him enough energy to not collapse right there on the spot.

“He said no,” his trainer repeated, leaning away from Sam. “He said no.”

He turned to look at Ransone. Sam had forgotten he was there in the darkness of the room, observing the fight for the past two hours.

“He said no.” He started chuckling. His chuckles soon gave way to hideous laughter. Stomach clutching, tear inducing laughter.

Before Sam could even realise the change in attitude, Emil’s entire demeanour shifted. He stepped forward, forcefully gripping Sam’s neck. He shoved him backward until his back was pressed against the wall, no doubt bruising his spine further than what it was.

“Say that again, you fucking idiot,” he growled. But Sam couldn’t say anything. He could barely breathe. He was terrified, but determined not to let it show on his face. “When I say something, you better fucking listen.”

His trainer observed his expression for a few more seconds. Sam didn’t open his mouth.

His trainer finally loosened his grip, letting go of his neck.

Sam’s knees nearly buckled but he kept his balance, coughs racking through his body. He felt lightheaded, swollen eyes watching Emil walk towards the body on the floor. The only friend he had.

“Maybe this oughta teach you a lesson.” Emil flashed a quick smirk at Sam before raising his fist above Riley’s face.

Within a split second a guttural cry escaped his throat as he launched himself at the much larger trainer, taking him by surprise. The pure rage he was feeling had him seeing only red, the adrenaline steering his body on autopilot.

With their position suddenly switched, Sam found himself on top of Emil, bloody fists beating down on his face without a break. The pain didn’t even matter anymore.

“Fuck you,” he screamed, not giving him even a second to defend himself. “Fuck you, you fucking dickhead.”

When he could feel his trainer raising his arm to grab from behind, he took a pause from pummelling his face to grab his arm, twisting sharply it till he heard a crack. The roar escaping Emil’s throat didn’t dissuade him from finishing what he started, returning to landing a punch wherever he could.

He didn’t even know how long had passed before his body was being pulled away, kicking and cursing.

“You see how good it feels Wilson? You feel that relief?” Ransone held him tightly as he squirmed furiously trying to get back to beating the shit out of that asshole on the ground. “Next time you’re angry, remember that’s the only way to feel good. If you’re in pain, you cause pain.”

Sam’s flailing was reducing as the adrenaline wore off. The exhaustion was beginning to take hold of his body as he looked at the onslaught of blood splatter everywhere, two bodies side by side on the ground. He did this to both of them.

“Violence is your only friend. Don’t you ever forget that.”

Ransone let go of him. His feet gave out beneath him, chest rising and falling heavily. His shoulders ached as he dragged his body towards Riley, praying to every force in the universe that he wasn’t dead.

He was still breathing. Sam nearly cried out of relief, collapsing next to him. Ready to defend him if Emil woke up.

“Next time you want to let out some anger, come find me,” Ransone called out. “I’ll find you your next victim.”

“You okay?” You waved your hand in front of his face. “Earth to Wilson.”

It seemed to work as he snapped back, blinking rapidly.

“You zoned out a little there. Everything alright?” you asked. He looked at you blankly for a second before realising what you asked.

“Yeah.” He gave you a half smile. “Yeah, I’m good. You done with your turn?”

The light that was there behind his eyes a few minutes ago had dimmed considerably. He looked weary. You recognised what had happened, what he was probably thinking of. You didn’t bring it up, not risking the chance of him reliving it.

“Kinda.” You pointed towards the target where a tomahawk was sticking out of the centre.

“Damn,” he whistled, resting his hands on his waist. “Best of three?”

“Didn’t know it was a competition.” You went to collect it. It was harder to pull out than you thought. You wondered how many times Sam had practiced it to make it look so effortless.

“Only if you want it to be.”

“Nah.” You walked towards him, handing two of them back to him. “Maybe next time.”

“Next time, huh.” He tested his throw before letting go of the handle. Bullseye. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

You only smiled.

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