#it’s how I found out about Mal Blum

[kazieka]

what's your thoughts on more recent wtnv? i'm hundreds of eps behind, is it worth catching up?

personally I still love it. I know it’s daunting to look at it and see like 250 episodes but it feels very much like it always did. The arcs are good and numerous! There’s enough mystery in Night Vale that they just. haven’t run out of stuff to make the show about yet. Satan was there once. sometimes Kevin from Desert Bluffs turns up. Carlos and Cecil have a son now. the current arc is about Cecil’s childhood. i can’t speak for the live shows bc ive not seen any but I presume they slap. the glow cloud’s child went to college. im not even going to tell you what happened to Station Management bc it is too sad. this got out of hand. please continue with night vale it’s so good

[wonderbutch]

genres and bands i listen to and how i got into them: an entirely too long useless list i made instead of sleeping

celtic punk

shoutout to the genre ever? i grew up listening to celtic punk literally since i was born. my dad sucks but his music taste does not. this genre is 32% responsible for my leftist punk attitude, which is ironic if you know anything about my father.

- the dropkick murphys: first band i can ever remember hearing. as a toddler i called them “the bastards”. still a favourite forever and everrr. their newish album “this machine still kills fascists” fucks HARD. the band will forever be a formative reminder of my working class upbringing in a miners family

- the rumjacks: late nights and early mornings in my dads car introduced me to this band. i really will tell me ma when i get home and i wont feel guilty about it

- paddy and the rats: one of the only celtic punk bands i actually discovered on my own. in 2018 i went on a sailing ship for a week and that got me rlly into celtic punk again LMAO. this band is so fucking good

emo/pop punk

i was 13 and tbh it was a phase but i still love listening to fob and mcr and sws

- my chemical romance: unironically i think i got into them through band memes

- fall out boy: literally just thru scrolling through youtube when i was 12

- [REDACTED]: [REDACTED]

- sleeping with sirens: this band shaped me as a person. kellin quinn the original gender envy. ohhh i miss this band sm

- all time low: a kid in my class in year 7 introduced me to all time low and ill remember him forever for it. hope youre well, jaiden.

- la dispute: got to see them live last year after @starcam413 got me into them! theyre kinda more screamo like sws but not in the same way as sws but definitely emo too

- set it off: this band is still SO GOOD. so fucking good oh my god. truly the fucking era

- the score: i was a greek mythology nerd as a kid (its my major now!) of course i listened to the score. i miss being 13 and listening to the score on youtube on my laptop at 3am so bad

folk punk

celtic punk and folk punk are very related, and i grew up listening to bands like the pogues and the violent femmes. is it really any wonder how i ended up Like This

- the violent femmes: as a child my dad would play country death song in the car. yes i am mentally ill and have daddy issues can you blame me????? (the song is literally about killing your daughter and then offing yourself)

- toby foster: really one of my proper introductions to the genre and what ultimately led me to discover bands like ajj and pat the bunny. found him on youtube through his song tennessee. i was 13 i think?

- pat the bunny: after toby foster i was completely hooked on the genre and of course ended up listening to the king himself, pat the bunny. your heart is a muscle the size of your fist is such a comfort song to me even now. it sucks he no longer makes music but im very happy he got sober!

- schmekel: im trans and punk of course i listen to schmekel. fantastic trans and jewish band that helped me a lot with my transness as a young teen

- mal blum: im counting his music as folk punkish, sue me. no idea how i got into them either. their song new years eve is the song i listen to on repeat every single new years eve, and i have yet to change this tradition. Help Me.

- the front bottoms: I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS. THEIR EARLIER ALBUMS ARE FOLK PUNK AS HELL. genuinely my favourite band ever. i can’t remember how i got into them but is how i ended up friends with @starcam413 (hi jon!)

- she/her/hers: sooo formative to me when i was 15/16 struggling with being trans.

- harley poe: ohh i love this guy so fucking much. why do i relate so much to a middle aged divorced man????

- days n daze: one of the most popular folk punk bands so i mean. Duh. sooo good i love them.

punk

- the sex pistols: listen. listen to me LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN. i dont even fucking like this band. in fact i despise it. but because my dad is an idiot, he loves this band and played it a lot when i was a kid.

- the queers: i think i heard them on a spotify playlist last year? big fan.

- the muslims: i believe this was recommended to me on reddit?? amazing black and brown queer band, i love it a lot

- tribe 8: im a lesbian with a complicated gender identity of course i listen to tribe 8. trans queer punk band that i listened to a lot when i was like 15 i think

- against me!: listened to them a lot when i was 15

new wave/post punk

got into this genre in 2022 and Hella into it late last year. blame paper girls brainrot.

- devo: got into them in 2022 thanks to an online friend hi ira 🌀 theyve never made a single bad song

- the cure: once again my dad showed me a lot of the cure when i was a kid and getting into music

- blondie: ….have you seen the batman and harley quinn movie….please dont make me say more. the first cassette in my collection is from this band!

- new order: one of my favourite bands right now. like most things for the last three years of my life, i got into this band because of a comic book. the tv adaption of paper girls features two new order songs and it got me absolutely hooked on this band.

rock/all that shit??

- danzig: once again you can blame paper girls for this

- bon jovi: also paper girls. i am obsessed with jon bon jovi’s hair in the 90s. gender envy as fuck

- queen: when i was 14 i found my grandpas mp3 player from the 2000s, he was a big fan of queen. i ended up putting all my music on the mp3 player and ive used it every single day since.

- billy joel: i was raised by my grandmother of course i listened to billy joel. played a lot on our old radio with my nans ipod when i was a kid. apparently my nan isnt even a big fan of him so i guess he was only formative to me lol????

indie

probably one of my most listened to genres just because. i have no reason. ive come to realise that most of my indie music taste is stolen from aura.

- girl in red: shoutout to discovering im a lesbian in 2017/2018 and to my best friend @vampoholica for introducing me to girl in red

- bastille: i love bastille sm icarus is such a good song and as a greek mythology kid i was so obsessed. bad blood youll always be famous to me

- mitski: oguhfhgh i dont know how i got into mitski but good lord. literally life changing.

- the smiths: fuck morrissey. i think this too was aura’s fault and i forgive them bc i love the smiths

- chloe moriondo: ahh the youtube ukulele era how i miss you

- alex g: i can’t remember how i got into alex g but i got into his music in 2022 and now im obsessed and unwell about him

- adrienne lenker: again this is aura’s fault and i am so fine with that. music sooo devastating it makes u wanna throw up and sleep forever

- elliott smith: i started listening to him because of simon vs the homo sapiens agenda

okay thats it thank u for reading this stupid post lol

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

hello brainrot i have found an asra song for the playlist: san cristóbal by mal blum

“how i wish i could stay longer, how i wish i’d never gone and / you have not been writing me as often as i wished / and sometimes i think i left you just to see if i’d be missed and / i saw my fortune scrawled out up against the wall / in a crowded market place, in a town i can't recall”

“your body looks to me a way it never has before / and is this what's making you so sad and what you did this for?”

- @star-strand

@star-strand hi friend!! oh wow, that hits different O.O

it especially makes me wonder how things would have gone if Asra got back just in time to see MC as they were dying, instead of only getting back after they were already ashes. that one line about their body looking a way it never has before somehow gets even angstier T~T

thanks for the suggestion, I'm putting it on the playlist and the tag!!

[fandommemequeen]

my 2023.

yearly retrospective time LETZ GO!!!

last year i said 2022 sucked but uh,, 2023 was definitely worse :'o)

with the rise in queerphobic legistlation, school getting progressively harder to stay on track with, my dad dying, and just everything else that ive had to endure this year, its been difficult. but.. i somehow made it.

and you might be wondering how i got through everything. did i touch grass and magically everything was sunshine and rainbows? buy some overpriced self help book or online course that changed my life? No <3

i just,, did what i normally do. i played video games, talked with my friends, watched youtube, brainrotted over fandoms, listened to music, came up with cool outfits, somehow made it through skool, drew, wrote, cosplayed, roleplayed, made kandi and crafts, and just overall found ways to find joy in the small things, which goes a long way when youre trans in a world where your joy is an act of rebellion.

i also had some cool fandom moments this year! season 7 of siivagunner has been AWESOME, return to dream land deluxe was great even if it fricked with the lore a little, THE TOH FINALE WAS SO FRICKIN GOOD, marios madness may be my new fave fnf mod, NPMD THREW ME BACK INTO MY HATCHETFIELD FIXATION, i FINALLY got the kirby planet robobot soundtrack cd and the limited edition quiznos training game physical edition, i found ways to actually enjoy WDY again and leave behind itz toxic fandom, i got into pokepasta, tintn, gogos crazy bones, playtime with percy, inside job, tadc, i started listening to mal blum and against me and chonny jash, im currently being dragged into eggotama as we speak and im getting back into mpdsap,,

but the fandom that had the most impact for me this year was the june archive and restoration project. getting into TJA led me to discover bowlbys other works and get into one of the best fandoms ive ever been in, thanks in part to the june archive and restoration project fanserver. ive met so many cool people through that server, and getting to chat and VC with them has always been a blast. [yknow what? shoutout to all my friends that ive loved talking with all throughout 2023 yall are awesome]

back to life stuff for a moment here, i got to do a lotta cool stuff this year! i FINALLY homebrewed my 3ds [with a bit of help from jaco xd], GOT TO SEE THE HAUNTING OF NIGHT VALE LIVE, put together some awesome cosplays for gencon and halloween, im getting better at rhythm games, i got SECOND PLACE in my skoolz national cybersecurity codebreakers competition, i had an awesome bday, i went to go see barbie [my first movie in theaters since lockdown] and fnaf and both were AWESOME!! all of this despite everything thats happened in 2023!

and as for my creative projectz,, DIGIVERSE REBOOT EPISODE 3 FINALLY RELEASED BACK IN MAY!!!!!! holy frick i was SO PROUD of that,, in addition, ive been doing character reveals for gamerz epic megamix take, i created the doomed timelines awoken au, and ive strengthened my artstyle into what it is today while learning how to use my drawing tablet :3

in addition, getting into TJA and watching bowlbys animation legacy made me think about my past as a creator, and i started work on giving my old book ocs from my days in the TWOW fandom the care and attention they deserve, even if it means some slight redesigns or rewrites. speaking of TWOW, EWOW IS OUT AND IM GETTING BACK INTO TWOW AFTER YEARS!! feelz good to be back, and im hoping i can maybe properly host a minitwow at some point in 2024!

overall 2023 wasnt great, but i stayed silly and had fun despite it and i think thatz very swag of me!

now, every time i do one of these things, if i do an overconfident "bring it on" type message at the end i almost always end up regretting it, AND i am absolutely terrified about 2024 so i am not taking my chances!

so i leave u with this sentiment towards 2024 instead:

i gotta survive The Horrors anyway, might as well stay silly and do what i like while im doing it :3

[adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass]

I want to remind you people out there looking up ADHD forums, tumblrs, youtube channels, and feeling overwhelmed with how difficult ADHD can be wondering if you’ll ever have a functioning life that:

Your perception of what ADHD looks like is skewed

because happy people who manage their symptoms and have found working strategies wont go on the internet and complain about stuff.

There are a lot of us out there with ADHD doing just fine. One day you’ll be fine too.

You’re gonna be fine❤️

[halfhappyhooligan]

New year's eve by mal blum is a song that I think sums up c!hannah's and c!sam's relationship up until the red banquet (I still think it fits c!sam more but shh...)

Hey, did you know that I know you lied? So board it up and don't even try Last year is ending just in time

(Red banquet right after c!hannah revealed that she told them about the chests)

And this time I can't pretend that we are friends We're not friends Friends don't do the things we did And the ones you've done since then Makes me think we've never been

(Basically in the months after him ignoring her or shoving her away)

(listen to the whole song btw it's amazing)

Other c!hannah songs or songs that I imagine center c!hannah in them: I of the storm (of monsters and men) king (lauren aquilina, specifically c!tinarose) Towards the Sun

omg New Years Eve is SO THEM (“dont know how i ever made it out/heres to nothing ever changing/if it were then i’d be parting ways/with all the bad habits i found” to the “it’s a happy new year/unlike all the rest/feels like im changing and i known it’s for the best”!!!!oh m ygod!!!) its so fitting of the way their relationship has progressed through all they went thru :( they mean so much to me ack

also cant help but think of taylor swift’s New Year’s Day which i heavily associate with c!tinarose, the endless support they give (“but i stay when youre lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away”) and how much they deserve that love n support is so. personally so heartbroken thinking of c!hannah really feeling the “please dont ever become a stranger who’s laugh i could recognize anywhere”….she cares so deeply about the ppl she surrounds herself with and c!tina is so there for her!!!and after losing so much it’s no doubt to me she has a fear of losing her :(.

and GOD i of the storm for c!hannah made me feel things as i listened to it (“if i could make amends with all my shadows/i’d bow my head and welcome them/but I feel it burning/like when the winter wind stops my breathing” HELLO? god.) and literally Thank You for introducing me to King by Lauren Aquilina i agree 10000% its totally made for them omg definitely adding these to my wheel of c!hannah thoughts

[iiamtrashqueenii]

New Years Eve

Summary: Inspired by “New Years Eve” by Mal Blum, Virgil and Janus are reunited as the New Years Eve party the sides throw. Janus doesn’t want to admit how much he’s missed Virgil, and Virgil certainly isn’t making it easy on him.

Potential Triggers: (please let me know if any I missed or any you’d like me to tag in the future) Drinking, smoking, unhealthy relationships

——————

Letting out a breath of smoke into the sky from the balcony, Janus wondered for the hundredth time if he should even bother going to the party. It’d be a waste of time. Familiar faces he didn’t want to see, but at the very least, there’d be plenty to drink, and no one would question why.

Janus found himself drunk a lot of the time, actually. More often than he’d like to admit, and more often than even Remus could guess. Not that everyone else knew, Janus was all too good at hiding it, so long as no one was close enough to smell the alcohol on him. It wasn’t too hard to avoid when he rarely left his room either.

Shaking the thought away, he let the cigarette slip from his fingers, watching as the embers slowly died out with the rushing air as it plummeted to the ground. It wouldn’t start a fire. Not unless he willed it so. He had considered it momentarily, but ultimately decided against it. It wasn’t worth it. No amount of arson would fix things, and no amount of denial would make everything fade away, no matter how hard Janus tried. With slow steps, he slipped away from the balcony, into his room to get ready to go. Soon enough, Remus bounced into his room, asking if he was ready to go, and they headed to the ‘light’ sides part of the mind palace.

The music was rather loud for it being so early, only nine, and they were going to be there until at least one in the morning. Janus didn’t mind that, going to find drinks first before trying to socialize. Ultimately, by the time it was ten, he’d mostly stuck around Remus, sharing awkward glances with Virgil throughout the night. He should’ve talked to them—he knew that, it was the only chance at fixing things. But honestly? Janus didn’t even know if he wanted to fix things anymore. Not if Virgil didn’t want to try either. Besides, he didn’t need them.

Before the first hour could pass, they had started up party games, Janus well on his third drink as Roman asked him a simple ‘truth or dare.’ “Dare,” Janus answered blankly, staring into his plastic cup and tapping his fingers lightly on it, waiting for an answer before downing the rest of it.

“I dare you...” Roman glanced around, looking for an idea, “jump down from the top step over the railing,” she shrugged. It wasn’t all that interesting, but there wasn’t much that was interesting when they were capable of practically anything with minor consequences. Janus gave a curt nod and stood up, heading to the top of the stairs and pulling himself over the ledge before jumping down. The landing wasn’t that successful, aided by the drinking, so he had stumbled a bit before regaining his balance. “Ree, truth or dare?”

“Snakey-baby, you know better than to ask,” Remus answered, a faux softness to his voice.

“Great, so truth. What’s the real reason you dragged me to this party, Ree?” he asked, clearly bitter about it.

Remus breathed out quietly. “Jan you know I meant dare.”

“I dare you to answer the question.”

“That’s not—fine. I’m tired of seeing you tear yourself apart. You needed to get the hell out of your room. You can’t waste the rest of your life there,” Remus answered.

Janus pursed his lips in response, muttering a “your turn” under his breath and looking down again. What he hadn’t expected was for Remus to turn to Virgil for the next one. Remus and Janus had practically avoided asking Virgil so far—knowing full well that if Virgil picked truth, it wouldn’t go anywhere good. Worse is that Virgil did indeed answer with “truth.” Remus paused for a second. “I was hoping you’d pick dare,” he muttered honestly, before trying to think of a truth. Dares were easy for him to come up with, being intrusive thoughts and all.

“I got one,” Janus piped up, earning a hissed protest of his own name from Remus that fell on deaf ears. “Is it true that it’s my fault you left?”

Virgil frowned at the question. “Of course not, Janus.”

“Then how come you never visit?” he asked. “Is it just that... quite frankly I’m not worth it? Please, enligh—“

“Okay! Game time over,” Roman spoke, clasping his hands together. “Who wants to help me bring out the deserts and we’ll watch a movie for a while, yeah?” Remus had jumped up at the opportunity, mostly not wanting to be a part of the awkwardness between Janus and Virgil. It didn’t take long to get set up, mainly because Remus didn’t bother arguing about a movie—Roman would rig the votes anyway. Janus and Virgil had sat on opposite sides of the couch, both of them getting a few more drinks than necessary. They stopped the movie a little short, wanting to watch the time change across different places.

Janus stood up, slipping into the kitchen and setting his cup on the counter. He had had too much to drink already, knowing better than to get more if he wanted to remember anything by the next morning. He sighed, tossing the cup into the trash and leaning back on the counter, gripping the edge lightly, wondering shortly if it’d be any easy to leave. He could hear shouting and laughter coming from the nearby room, but at the same time, he didn’t feel as though he could actually hear it. Everything felt too loud and too quiet at once, so he had managed to miss a giggling Virgil stumbling through the door way, spilling a bit of their drink as they walked through. Great, Virgil was absolutely shit-faced.

“Hey Janny,” it slurred, leaning on a nearby chair for balance. The room was spinning. Merely sighing, Janus stepped over, going to help Virgil back to the living room, but Virgil stepped back a bit, holding out his hand forward and shaking his head. “Too loud in there,” he blubbered.

“Then I’ll take you to your room, but if you keep leaning on that chair like that, you’re gonna slam your face into the fridge.” Practically as predicted, Virgil’s hand slipped forward, his eyes going wide for a short moment before Janus caught him.

Breathing out softly, Virgil’s eyes flickered across Janus’s face, before its eyes landed on the little leaf decoration in the doorway. It grinned, something that didn’t look anything like Virgil’s normal grin, too drunk to care. “Janny, they must’ve forgotten to take down the mistletoe,” it slurred, leaning forward and pressing a messy but soft kiss to Janus’s lips before he even had a chance to respond. Janus hadn’t even shut his eyes yet by the time it was over, in a little shock, and unable to savor the moment. “I missed you,” Virgil mumbled. “I know you’ve missed me too,” they added quietly, resting their head on Janus’s chest, eyes fluttering shut.

“I don’t love you anymore,” he murmured quietly, most trying to convince himself of that, especially after that kiss. He repeated it a couple of times, whispered and breathy while tears pricked his eyes, and once he said it clearly for the first time, loud enough to at least be heard over the other’s, he shifted to lift up Virgil, who was practically asleep standing up. He blinked several times, trying to blink away the tears and slipping by unnoticed by the rest of the sides, even as he carried Virgil off. He slipped into Virgil’s room, oddly not too hard to do (Virgil was rather light after all, concerningly so), before setting them on their bed. He pulled up the blankets over Virgil, watching them adjust into their space before slipping out of the room, gently shutting the door and letting out a quiet huff. “I don’t love you anymore,” he repeated, starting to walk away. He knew better than to mention the kiss to anyone, even Remus. Remus would blabber about it, accidentally or on purpose, and Janus knew Roman and Virgil had something going on. If he ruined that... well, it was definitely much more worth suffering knowing Virgil was at least happy.

Janus walked back into his room, slipping off his bow tie and pulling it off, setting it on the desk before taking off his hat as well. He rested his hands on the table in front of him, staring down at it and hunching up his shoulders, doing his best not to let tears fall. He was oh-so-lucky to hear knocking on his door. It certainly wasn’t Remus—he never walked. “Come in,” he called, wiping nearing tears in his eyes with his thumb quickly.

He hadn’t expected Virgil to already be stumbling out of their room, opening the door and leaning on the door frame with a soft pout. “I didn’t want you to leave tonight,” Virgil admitted. “Stay? Please? I’ll talk to the others and we can... we can all be together again,” they choked out, lip quivering visibly.

Janus already knew if he said or did the wrong thing it’d be waterworks for hours, until Virgil passed out. So instead, he merely agreed, whatever Virgil wanted, and went to bring it back to bed. He stepped over, expecting to bring Virgil back to their own room, but Virgil slipped right past him, climbing into Janus’s bed and cuddling into the blanket. “... You know I never wanted to hurt you right?” it asked quietly. “I just thought it’d make me happier...”

“I know, Virgil. Hush now dear,” he murmured softly, pulling a chair up next to his bed. “Sleep, okay? We can talk about it in the morning,” he suggested lightly, shutting off the lamp.

They wouldn’t talk about it the next day, actually. Or anytime soon. And Janus would hope to whatever God or gods there may be that Virgil wouldn’t remember the kiss, wouldn’t say anything about the kiss, and they could forget it. Virgil wouldn’t forget, but it never dared to mention it, their relationships to fragile to dare.

[winters-sketches]

YELLINGGGGG

NEW YEAR’S EVE BY MAL BLUM FOR AUBREY

[Verse 1]

It’s a happy new year, I’m making guacamole

You couldn’t even pick up the fucking phone and call me

I don’t like my outfit, I don’t like my blue jeans

I don’t like my attitude, it’s gonna be a party

Aubrey, feeling abandoned by everyone who refused to reach out to her, goes through a lot of changes after Mari died; in her clothes, in her hair, in her personality. It’s self-expression, and that’s a good thing, but it comes from a place of grief and frustration.

[Verse 2]

It’s a happy new year, last year was so stupid

Most of us were drunk and even more of us were puking

Although I heard a rumor, something about bad shrimp

Don’t know how I made it up the stairs to your apartment

Everyone was hurt by Mari’s death, some even more than others. It was the worst year of Aubrey’s life, losing her older sister figure and all of her friends, and eventually her father, too. But she had managed to make contact with Basil once, only to find that all of the photos in the photo album had been scribbled out.

Woah-oh, I’ll remember it

Climbing up to it

I’ll remember it, I’ll remember it

Of course, this drives Aubrey into a resentful rage, and she goes onto despise Basil for the next few years, never forgetting what she thought he did.

[Chorus]

That's not all that I'm forgetting

It's a new year, the last one's ending

Don't know how I ever made it out

Here's to nothing ever-changing

If it were, then I'd be parting ways

With all the bad habits I found

Aubrey coped with the loss of Mari by making new friends and becoming more violent and angry. Nothing came out of hoping for her old friends to come back. So she stopped caring about them, too.

But I'll still hang around

I'll still hang around

I'll still hang around

I'll still hang around

And even then, she still goes to the old hangout spot, still misses what she used to have. Her new friends are there with her, unknowing of the history this place had and how much it meant to Aubrey.

(skipping to other parts of the song cause this song is LONG)

[Verse 4]

It's the time of year now

To keep your close friends closest

“We'll be friends forever and I don't care if you know it”

It's a happy new year

Unlike all the rest

Feels like I am changing and I know it's for the best

Despite their chaotic demeanors, the Hooligans are actually really good friends to Aubrey, always there to support her and each other. It gives Aubrey a sense of belonging she hasn’t had since her friends left her. Maybe her old friends broke their promise of staying around, but that doesn’t mean she can’t make new ones. She’s happy here, and she’s moving on.

[Bridge]

It's a happy new year

Here I am again

Writing in my car, and this time I can't pretend that we are friends

We're not friends

Friends don't do the things we did

And the ones you've done since then

Makes me think we've never been

And then suddenly, Kel and Sunny show up in her life again for the first time in years, and what do they do? They fight her and treat her like a bully, when she didn’t even do anything wrong? And then Kel has the nerve to act like their friendship means anything anymore? It pisses her off, badly, and of course, she retaliates.

When is this night gonna end?

Are you lying in her bed?

All these questions hit my head

Hey, where's the whiskey at again

You were discombobulated

When you showed up at my door

Leaving glitter on my floor

But I don't like you anymore, no

(I’ve run out of energy to analyze the rest of these lyrics but I think you can see where the connections are lmao)

[riseofthecommonwoodpile]

hey i know i tagged it but BIG alcohol content warning ahead. also personal bullshit so probably just skip tbh, only interesting to me

ANYWAYS i was listening to “San Cristobal” by Mal Blum (as you do) and it has the lines “And I found religion in a dirty bathroom stall / in the back of a liquor store in that mini mall” which are a.) very good and b.) when i first heard the song, i was in the PNW, just starting to recover from some really severe alcoholism, and it made me think of two things. the first is kinda self-helpy but i think some of the best advice i’ve ever gotten and the second is just nothing much.

the first is about how, when i first started therapy out there, i had, as they call it in the business, a “drinking problem” (by which i mean at bare minimum five days a week i would get so drunk i could barely stand and pass out and wake up to go to work the next day. like, spent more money on booze than food. missed work multiple times because i was too drunk to be there. i don’t say that to like “brag” because it’s NOT GOOD, just to state how bad the problem was) and i wanted to stop but i just couldn’t, and i felt SO guilty for that. i would tell myself the entire drive home from work i wouldn’t stop at the liquor store but i just couldn’t stop myself from doing it, and i didn’t know what to do. 

so i told my therapist about this, how it was probably my most urgent problem, and she said what, at the time, sounded like the most insane shit ever. she said (slight paraphrase, but) “well what if you just decided to go there instead of trying not to?” and i was like uhhhhh because then i’m just giving myself permission to be an alcoholic??? duh? but i trusted her so i was like ok, i’ll try it. i think it’s dumb as hell but i’ll try it and i’ll talk to you next week. and what i found was that, when i said to myself “i’m the one deciding to go to the liquor store, i’m letting myself do it. this is my choice”, suddenly, i could decide not to sometimes. and then deciding not to sometimes turned into deciding not to more of the time, and then most of the time, and then all of the time. and it’s because i was so stuck in this cycle, where i would do the thing i didn’t want to do, feel guilty about it and try to beat myself up because of my guilt so much that the next day i was even more drained than the last, which made it impossible to NOT drink. but when the guilt was removed from the equation, when i was in control of the decision, it was possible to make a different choice instead. so maybe this is me saying why guilt is an unproductive emotion. it is not, in fact, motivating.

and then the second thing is just me thinking about how bad things were then, how i couldn’t keep alcohol in the house because i knew i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from drinking it- everything i bought, even when i was “better” and only drank a few times a month, had to be only enough for that night. and then i think about how, the last time i had alcohol in my house, last year, it was a bottle of sake that just sat there for like 5 months because it just never interested me (it was good ass sake too). i ended up giving it to someone just because i realized i was never going to drink it, i didn’t have an interest. didn’t even have a negative emotion attached to it, just apathy. which is a nice thing to remember, but i think the recovery moment that was totally unexpected but that felt so significant and wonderful came before last year. i was still living in the PNW, and when i was really bad i knew every clerk at the liquor store i went to, and they knew me. and then one day i went there to grab something for a friend, and when i checked out the cashier said “haven’t seen you in a while, i was starting to think you must’ve moved” and i was like yeah, i guess you haven’t. i guess you haven’t seen me in a while. and idk. i guess i’m proud of myself and happy to think of that. this was the most self-indulgent post, i apologize.

[lovemeafterhrs]

new years eve | t. kuroo

nye shitshow based HEAVILY on mal blum’s new years eve and the mess of drafts i’ve written at 3am for the past week. im a sucker for a good tetsu fic and i have quite a few in the works,, kinda weird coming from an akaashi main but it is what it is i guess

~~~~

new year’s eve had always held a lot of value deep in her heart; her need to say goodbye to the past was never fleeting, and most things ended with the resolutions of many years before.

but that year was different.

college was a new, welcome surprise that took her by the horns and dragged her through complete chaos day after day. most of the casual destruction was traced back to kuroo tetsurou, her (not so) beloved roommate and destroyer of ikea furniture.

among the cast of revolving characters that passed through their shared apartment, bokuto was definitely the most interesting.

he just so happened to also be the root of kuroo’s evil.

as months passed and the seasons began to shift around her, she became accustomed to dealing with the duo and their crowd of volleyball misfits.

but nothing could compare to the horror that awaited her on new year’s eve.

she hadn’t taken into account that people would arrive long before her roommate did, and most of her time would be spent observing his friends downing shots from the small kitchen island.

yachi had been the first to approach her that night, noticing the concern that marked her features as she struggled not to check the time.

the girl brought a sense of comfort that had previously been missing, and her face brightened at the wine in the other girl’s coffee mug.

the two sat at the kitchen island together, eating guacamole and drinking boxed wine from coffee cups. they observed the many drunken behaviors of the people around them, giggling to themselves with pink dusting their cheeks.

by the time kuroo stumbled through the door, the clock on the coffee pot showed 11:58 in a bright red glow. yachi’s tolerance had gotten the best of her, and two wine bottles laid empty on the counter next to her. the girl was entirely trashed, and abandoned her post at the island for a necessary trip to the bathroom.

kuroo’s apologetic smile met her eyes, and the disappointed look on her face was enough to keep him at arm's length for the rest of the evening.

yachi had returned shortly after, and the two sat together as the clock struck midnight. shouts were heard from all around her, but she could only focus on the rooster headed man’s drunken smile as he leaned in to kiss tsukishima.

that of course, was met with complete and utter disgust. but that’s entirely besides the point.

~~~~

365 days later, and she’s found her way back to the marble of her countertop.

much to her dismay, yachi had been out of town that year. instead of joining the crowd of rowdy 20-somethings, she chose to sit back and remember the moments that began the year.

the year prior had been disappointing considering her expectations, but she hadn’t forgotten all the memories she’d made.

she didn’t enjoy cleaning bokuto’s vomit out of the carpet the next day, and she could barely remember how the night played out in the first place. the shrimp tsukishima brought had given half the guests food poisoning, but the night lived on in her heart regardless.

in the middle of her tipsy daydream, kuroo sunk himself into the stool next to her; a drunken smile plastered on his face as he moved for the bowl of guacamole.

“this year’s already over,” he stated, glancing over at the other guests. “how crazy is that?”

“it’s really weird, actually.” she sighed, and his eyes snapped over to her as she continued. “last year, yachi ate that entire bowl of guacamole. now it’s barely been touched since the party started.”

“hey, don’t be sad! it’s about to turn midnight, and you can’t be upset when the new year starts!” his attitude was enough to make her smile, but it didn’t quite meet her eyes as the people surrounding her started to count down from five.

something clicked in kuroo’s brain as the clock struck midnight, and before he could think it through, his lips were on hers.

it only lasted a moment, but in that time she began to realize that maybe things could be different.

~~~~~

sometimes, observations of the situation are not enough to determine the outcome. in a whole year, they had managed to avoid the one topic that left far more questions than anything else.

instead of letting the year replay again, kuroo had made plans on the opposing side of the city. while she had intended to stay home with the long-forgotten guacamole, yachi had convinced her to spend the new year without the thoughts of her troublesome roommate.

that was how she came to stand at the bar of a bustling nightclub with her blonde companion, much too drunk for the loud and overwhelming atmosphere.

the clock had already signaled the beginning of another year, but it didn’t feel resolved.

there was no resolution.

instead of roping yachi into dealing with her problems, she decided to go back to the apartment she had spent many beginnings and endings in.

fumbling with her keys, she struggled to focus on the door handle as memories began to flood her senses.

kuroo dodged her calls for many days after he kissed her that night, and things never really felt the same. there was tension unlike before; the fear of being alone together and making another mistake compromised their ability to spend time in each other's company.

but he was also so kind that it hurt her. there was no ill intention within him, only fear of ruining what was previously established.

the realization sunk heavy into her heart as the door closed behind her, and her subconscious shouted for answers of what or who he was doing while she was sliding to the floor against the cold frame of the door.

it was possible to assume that he only flirted to pass time, but something about the way he looked at her scared them both into silence.

the fun, playful manner of their relationship came to an abrupt halt after new year’s eve, and neither of them could grasp quite what went wrong.

but she did know something; that even if she didn’t want to, her feelings for kuroo were becoming more and more obvious with every day. she couldn’t ignore it anymore, and that upset her more than him not being present in that moment.

the realization shocked her into getting up from her place on the floor, and shuffling over to the liquor cabinet.

drinking straight from the bottle, she took a seat on the kitchen island and placed her head against the cold marble of the counter top.

“here i am again,” she laughed to herself, disregarding the jingle of keys from the hallway.

the door swung open, and kuroo immediately took notice of her presence in the kitchen. he was obviously drunk, but the look in his eyes said the many things that he had never voiced to her.

“i don’t like it when you’re not here.” he stated, and she looked at him with confusion gracing her features. “new years wasn’t the same without you.”

“then we can have it here next year-”

“i don’t think you get what i'm saying,” he sighed, preparing for the worst out of his sudden confession. “i.. don’t think i want to spend it with anyone else.”

“oh..?” the surprise on her features was blatantly obvious, but the smile that followed brought all the certainty he needed. “our kitchen island has two chairs for a reason.”

“good. maybe next year, we can make guacamole.”

“i’d like that.”

masterlist:

[bravenot]

I’d like to appreciate how absolutely heartbreaking and wonderful Veth Brenatto’s playlist is. this will be a long and messy post.

-

to start off, Sam dedicating a song to ‘goblins, halflings, little ones... this one’s for you’ there’s so much love and forgiveness in that, given how much Nott hates/hated goblins. and from a meta level, Scanlan too! and then Drinking Again by Dinah Washington. parallels I Got Drunk by Mal Blum in the first playlist, when Nott still had so much to hide and we didn’t know about her previous life. gorgeous. it’s about the melancholy.

Runaway Pt 1 comes out of nowhere and it just hurts: ‘To be lost in the middle is the price that you feel you gotta pay, Even love has a limit, Love can't forgive it all away’ her being stranded in between two lives, and guilt about leaving Yeza and Luc for such long periods.

followed immediately by: ‘I’ve got friends in all the right places, I know what they want and I know they don’t want me to stay’ Veth loves the nein but feels unworthy and that her friends want her to leave? I would like to hug???

Sam’s commentary on Changing by The Airborne Toxic Event: ‘When Nott had the chance to change back into Veth, there was definitely some hesitation. Big changes always come with resistance, even when they’re the right thing to do. Will everything be the same after? Will everything feel the same?’ aka episode 91, when they first tried the transmogrification spell: the closing of a chapter, fear that she won’t want to stay with the nein after she’s changed back, not knowing how much being a goblin has become a part of her now and how different it will be, not knowing whether she’ll feel the same about caleb. the lyrics:

‘Days pass, turn into weeks / When we don't even speak / We just lay wide awake / And pretend we're asleep’

HELLOO??

and then the tenderness of Mother about sweet baby Luc: ‘wish we didn’t live so far from each other / I’m just sitting here thinking about the time that’s slipping / and missing my mother’

Pretty Hurts by Beyoncé. It’s clear in the show that Veth’s still insecure and feeling like a failure, even though she knows she’s hot as fuck on the outside. this seems like a song celebrating her beauty but at the same time it’s just subtly planting the seed that she has a long way to go on her journey towards learning self-worth. ‘but you can’t fix what you can’t see / it’s the soul that needs a surgery / you stripped away the masquerade / the illusion has been shed / are you happy with yourself?’

Heavy Balloon by Fiona Apple. Sam’s commentary is just so good. Even though it’s a song about depression he says: ‘I love the hope in it. And for Veth, given a new shot at life, she is certainly spreading and climbing. Blossoming.’

Chaos by Miki Fiki. CHAOS CREW. filled with such carefree and positive energy.

And the killing blow, the one he leaves until last is Heart In A Cage by Chris Thile - describing how she’s found her freedom and she’s missing her husband but realising she might not really be in love with him anymore, and oh god she’s falling for her best friend and ‘he’s right there, lying next to her’. it’s been such a long time coming. her first playlist had three entire songs for her and Caleb, and now everything is stronger and sweeter and more complicated. the inspired choice to use this version and not the original - it’s so joyful but also so heartwrenching. the intensity. the bluegrass embellishments. the strings. the sheer yearning.

‘I don’t feel better when I’m fucking around / I don’t want what you want and I don’t feel what you feel / all your friends are laughing at us / help me now, I’m not quite myself / look around there’s no one else there / and i’m sorry you were thinking I would steal your fire / oh the heart beats in its cage’

Sam knows how to cut deep and I love the complexity and depth that he continues to give Veth. I love how perfectly considered this playlist is for her. every. song.

[occasionalrpmemes]

Mal Blum: Every Time You Go Somewhere Sentence Starters

Lines taken from the 2010 album.  edit as desired.

“How I wish I could stay longer.”

“How I wish I’d never gone.”

“You have not been writing me as often as I’d wish.”

“Sometimes, I think I left you just to see if I’d be missed.”

“I saw my fortune scrawled out, up against the wall.”

“You found religion in a dirty crystal ball.”

“I feel that I’ve come far enough to give you a call.”

“There are some things you’re good at, and then some you can’t control.”

“You have not been visiting.  I can’t say that I mind.”

“Every time you go somewhere, you leave somewhere behind.”

“Is this what’s making you so sad?”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

 “You found religion when you realized you could fall.”

“Everything’s brand new.”

“I would have meant it if I’d said it.”

“I know that you’re the type who gets it when they get it, and they always get it right.”

“I hate that type.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Was I a joke?  Was I a freak?”

“You’re like vegan cheese - try as I might, you never melt for me.”

“It’s a game and I can’t play.”

“I shoot for the impossible, knowing that it won’t come.”

“I’m really getting so adept at preventing my own happiness.”

“I get productive when I get upset.”

“Part of me thinks I should leave right now, but I sit back and wait.”

“You couldn’t even pick up the fucking phone and call me.”

“It’s a new year, the last one’s ending.”

“Don’t know how I ever made it out.”

“Here’s to nothing ever changing.”

“You kissed me at midnight ‘cause you thought that I looked lonely.”

“We’ll be friends forever and I don’t care if you know it.”

“Feels like I am changing, and I know it’s for the best.”

“Throw all our cautions to the ground.  They only weigh you down.”

“I won’t let you down.”

“Hey, did you know that I know you lied?”

“I got out alive.”

“This time I can’t pretend that we are friends, we’re not friends.”

“Friends don’t do the things we did.”

“When is this night gonna end?”

“I don’t like you anymore.”

“We could get robbed tonight, or thrown under a bus.”

“You’ve got to nip those tragic feelings in the bud.”

“I think I’m gonna be fine.”

“I’m gonna be everything you asked of me and more.”

“You’re gonna be fine.  You’re gonna be tip-top shape.”

“I’m gonna start acting the way I know I should now.”

“We’re gonna be fine.”

“Tonight, you’re sleeping on the floor.”

“When you go walking by, I don’t know how to act.”

“You’re a heart attack.”

“We’re all gunning for a taste of something else that we’ve never felt before.”

“I admit, I love the chase.”

“I won’t wait forever, baby.  I get bored.”

“You can take the heart from your chest to use as a compass when you are lost.”

“I have been the eye of your storm when there was no break in sight.”

“Good luck, and goodbye.”

“Maybe we can make it through the night.”

“I won’t rest until you’re lying next to me.”

“No one got somewhere by being nice.”

“It’s just so easy when there’s nothing else to lose.”

“You are my brother and I love you like a brother, like I’d ride your bike home after school and fix you peanut butter sandwiches when you’re sad.”

“Believe me, I get sad sometimes.  I get so shaky I could lose my mind.”

“If you find you’re weary, if you find you’re weak...  You can count on me.”

“You can count on me.”

“If I led you to my heart, then you would find me sitting there on a pile of all the clothes that I stole from you last year.”

“I won’t want to write my feelings, it’s alright.  So I lie, make it funny.”

“I hope that you believe me.”

“I don’t care that it’s not true.”

“Isn’t that what love’s about?”

“I will hide myself behind you.”

“Maybe I’m the one who’s weary.  Maybe I’m the one who’s weak.”

[goatsandgangsters]

ohh for the trans ask meme how about 7, 11, 16?

7. favorite trans meme/bit of trans humor?

When there are only two options of something presented and you point at it and go “THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENDERS. DECAF OR REGULAR.”

11. recent happy trans moment?

So something that’s very affirming is that when trying to think of another good gender moment that’s happened subsequently since I got this ask, there were a TON of different moments—both big and small—that popped into my head. Brief summaries of some things from this past week:

recent IRL conversation with A Very Baby Trans who seemed very enthusiastic about talking to me and I was mentally like “I high-key remember being exactly in your shoes and being so eager for someone to See Me and see all this inner conflict that I didn’t know what to do with” so there’s the empathy side, but then also a side of “wait do you… do you see me as someone Experienced?” and it feels good but also unusual to think of myself as being in a position to be welcoming and supportive to new people in a trans space (especially when I’m STILL, after YEARS, like “but am I really trans ENOUGH??” so when other people in this IRL group are just like “yeah?” like it’s a non-issue I’m like “........whoa”)

the details of this as hard to explain, but for work I went to this exhibit-ish thing, the premise of which is “share trans people’s personal narratives with cis people to increase empathy” and that was really cool, but also I was very much not the target audience because the video was like “this is My Binder” and I’m like “hmm I’m not familiar with this brand, gonna look into it.” But also I hung out with the people who put this together and we just like talked about gender and The Perils of Being Perceived and it was a good conversation

HAD A SAME HAT MOMENT IN TRADER JOE’S. the checkout person had very long and beautiful hair, a low voice, and a very gender neutral name tag, though for once I was NOT decked out in any pronoun gear, but we still like… made a lot of Genuine and Enthusiastic Smalltalk with each other? And I just felt really good afterwards, because I love the way we SAME HAT at each other, and even if we don’t ACKNOWLEDGE the hat, the interaction just FEELS so different. It feels less like polite smalltalk with a stranger and way more along the lines of like “you ran into a casual friend you haven’t seen in a number of years” and IT JUST FEELS GOOD TO SEE AND BE SEEN BY QUEER PEOPLE, YA KNOW? In a world of constant invisibility, it’s Healing to have these small moments where you both just very subtly indicate “oh hello. Me too.”

16. song that gives you Big Trans Feels?

So over the summer, I found out about Mal Blum when they released a new album. And literally three days after hearing their music for the first time, I was at their show because they happened to be playing in Boston RIGHT after and I have nO REGRETS  

A lot of their music is very good and is about, and I quote, “being a sad trans ghost” and stuff about boundaries and bad relationships that’s also really relatable

But “Things Still Left to Say” is, to me, the MOST relatable in terms of trans feels.

Particularly:

Do you miss me when I'm not around, cause you don't see me when I'm here.I'm like a ghost of myself already, if I could I would disappearBut I'm still here

AND:

Should I explain myself?I'd rather read the dictionary.Why does everybody else feel closer to me than I can feel to them?

trans ask meme

[pinetree-in-hatchetfield]

Say My Stupid Name (Chapter 6) - A Spideychelle Series

Chapter 6: Last Year Ended Just In Time, I Got Out Alive

A/N: I’m back bitches, and back in my favorite series. Hell yeah. Chapter Title from New Year’s Eve by Mal Blum

Peter Parker had no idea how he kept ending up at Flash Thompson’s parties. By all logic he should have learned by now, but here he was again, on New Year’s Eve, at Flash Thompson’s house, at a party.

Something else Peter should have learned by now is that the punch is always spiked at Flash’s parties, but this time, he was alone. Ned had disappeared somewhere and Peter could not find anyone else that he knew anywhere.

Not that the list of people he knew was that big to begin with. Most of them didn’t hang around these types of people or places anyway.

“Oh god what the hell am I doing here??” he thought to himself as the crowds seemed to surround him more and more. Were people always this much taller than him? Was he tiny? Oh god, he’s tiny, he’s a tiny insignificant freak. He should just- wait, how much punch had he had?

Was Peter drunk?

Why is breathing so hard?

Was Peter having a panic attack?

No, no he couldn’t be, he hasn’t had the money to go to therapy in months, he can’t afford to have a panic attack. Especially not here, at Flash fucking Thompson’s New Years party, in the middle of a sea of people, where everyone could see him.

When someone bumped into him and Peter couldn’t even make himself apologize he realized, he was absolutely drunk, having a panic attack, at Flash fucking Thompson’s New Years party. And he still couldn’t find Ned.

Shit.

It took every ounce of effort and focus in Peter Parker’s body to begin walking. Where to? Good question. He wish he knew. Right now he just wanted out. He couldn’t even manage to look up from the floor.

Step. Step. Step. Left. Right. Left. The weight on his chest kept getting heavier. Right. How long had he been crying? Left. Why was his face so hot? Right. Why now? Left. Why him? Right. Why couldn’t he just fucking function ya know, like any other kid? Left. God, can’t he even go to a party without freaking out? Right. Was he breathing fast? God he won’t stay oxygenated for long like this.

Peter realized he had stopped in front of a door. ‘Oh thank god, solace.’ His brief moment of relief was immediately shattered by the realization that there was a couple making out in that closet. Peter managed to squeak out a “S-sorry!” before slamming the door and trying to find somewhere else. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He couldn’t move. Everything got louder, his face hotter, tears came down harder. He slammed his hands over his ears and shut his eyes as hard as he could.

Before he could slump down and hit the ground he felt two hands grab his arms and possibly someone call out his name, he couldn’t differentiate sounds now, but the mysterious person dragged him along and opened and closed doors everywhere they went.

Finally he was dragged into a room apparently separate from the party, as the sounds weren’t quite as overwhelming now. Peter immediately sat down on the floor beneath him, not caring about how hard he was hitting the ground and rocking back and forth, rubbing his hands together. ‘Great, now he was stimming.’

His mysterious kidnapper called his name again now kneeling in front of him, he felt like he recognized the voice, but thinking is hard when you’re having a breakdown.

“Peter, can you hear me?” asked the kidnapper, to which Peter managed a nod, “Okay good, now can you name me five things you can see?”

Peter found the voice he was certain he recognized now, sort of calming, so he followed his instructions, risking opening his eyes.

“Um, uh, carpet, combat boots, bed frame, l-leather jacket, and,” he paused, again, hard to think mid panic attack, “MJ!” he had finally faced his kidnapper, his girlfriend, whose expression had shifted from concern to a warm smile when he said her name.

“Good, now try four things you can touch.” She offered.

“M-my sweater, my jeans, your jacket, the floor.”

“Try three things you can hear.”

“L-loud party…” Oh god, it was getting worse again. How was it getting louder again?

“Peter, three things you can hear.”

Peter took a shaky breath and replied, “Music, conversations, and you.”

MJ smiled again, “Okay, two things you can smell.”

“Laundry detergent, a-and you.”

“One last time, one thing you can taste.”

Peter scrunched his face as he remembered the taste of his drink, “Flash’s dad’s booze.”

MJ gave a soft laugh, “Okay, now just breathe, slowly,”

She inhaled slowly as demonstration, waiting for Peter to follow, and slowly exhaling once he did. They repeated this a few times until Peter sighed and nodded.

“Thanks MJ.” he looked up at her, managing a smile. God he really felt exhausted now. Anxiety was tiring.

“Anytime, Tiger.” MJ replied as she sat next to him, Peter immediately grinned stupidly at her nickname for him.

It took him a second to think, now was because he was still drunk rather than him freaking out, but he finally put together the question, “How did you know that trick?”

“I’ve got a few people in my family that are prone to these things.”

Peter hummed in understanding as he rested his head on her shoulder. MJ explained that she would wait with him until the party died down a bit so they could leave, and Peter couldn’t find it in him to argue. After they had been there for a few minutes Peter was the first to speak up.

“Hey, MJ?”

“Yeah?”

“Everything feels weird.” he groaned as MJ chuckled a bit.

“Yeah.”

“...MJ?”

“Yeah?”

Peter rested his chin on her shoulder now as he whispered, “Don’t tell May..but I think I’m drunk.”

MJ let out another small laugh as she pat her boyfriend’s head. “Your secret is safe with me, Parker.” Peter gave her a sleepy smile in response, keeping his chin on her shoulder.

“Hey Pete?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you been to a therapist?”

“...not recently.”

“You know, you’re allowed that, right? You don’t have to be some kind of one man show. You’re allowed help.”

“Yeah...thanks MJ.”

MJ patted his leg and let it rest there. After another few minutes Peter broke the silence again with, “MJ?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

MJ smiled, “Love you too, Tiger.” She turned to look at him and his dreamy smile slowly morphed into him trying to not cry. MJ’s worry returned and she moved her hand to Peter’s shoulder as she asked, “Oh no, Peter, what’s wrong?”

“It’s just...I just...I just love you so much.” Peter was verging on tears now.

“Aw, babe,” MJ pulled Peter into a hug, “You wanna go home now?” She felt him nod on her shoulder.

On their way out they caught up with Ned again, who was relieved, having been looking for Peter this entire time, and they all 3, walked home together.

By the time MJ got to Peter’s place, she was all but carrying him, so she ended up putting him in bed. When she tried to leave, assuming he was completely out now, she heard a faint,

“MJ?”

“Yeah?”

“.....stay with me?”

MJ couldn’t help the small smile that came across her face. “Sure.”

Peter’s bed clearly wasn’t designed for two people, but with the two of them, being this close, it felt perfect. MJ was also sure to make note of the superhero bedsheets he had, in case she needed to make fun of him later. Soon enough it was midnight and the whole world began setting off fireworks. It didn’t disrupt them too much, the world seemed totally separate from them, off faint in the background.

“Happy New Year, MJ.” Peter mumbled

“Happy New Year, Tiger.”

[nihilisticlinguistics]

NOTT THE BRAVE PLAYLIST BREAKDOWN:

Shoplifting | The Slits: “Ah, the thrill of the perfect crime. Yes, Nott the Brave steals for survival… but let’s not kid ourselves — she also kinda loves it.”

Sam is definitely in full goofing form for his first song or two. It’s his favorite pattern--joke, joke, joke, twist. This song is literally an account of shoplifting, one of Nott’s favorite hobbies. The old strategy appears in these lyrics; Caleb talks to the shopkeeper, who “won’t suspect” while Nott sneaks various trinkets into her packs and clothes. As the campaign has gone on, however, we see her stealing less and less. As Sam once pointed out, it’s a lot easier to steal things when you can pay for them. At one point we see her mail a package of stolen baubles to Felderwin (A Favor in Kind); the next time she sends off a package, she simply pays for the types of things she wants to send off (Commerce and Chaos). There’s an adrenaline rush to theft, for sure, but she can get that rush by adventuring. The thrill of “doing a runner” is still there, but it’s been absorbed into the day-to-day life of the Mighty Nein.

Ugly | Violent Femmes: “Funny tune, but also how Nott views herself. Loudly, constantly, mockingly ugly.”

Sam’s little explanation pretty much sums up the point of this song on the playlist. Nott’s image of herself is complicated, even more so now there’s the possibility she wasn’t always a goblin. I find it very interesting that this song is from the perspective of someone else. Not only does the song speak to Nott’s view on her appearance, it also expresses how others treat her because of how she looks. The line “Ugly-- you’re no friend of mine” in particular gets to this idea that Nott has been rejected time and again for her outward appearance--see how Lawmaster Norda in Trostenwald reacted to Nott in episode four, for example. Although this song is also silly in tone, it’s still pretty revealing. It does make me wonder how Yeza reacted to Nott-the-goblin, and how his response to her (changed?) appearance affected her self-perception.

I Will Follow Him | Peggy March: “Meeting Caleb ignited a flame of hope in our skittish goblin. She quickly pledged herself to his protection and care. Where he goes, she will follow.”

This song is unquestionably a song of devotion. But devotion to whom, exactly? As we’ve recently seen, Nott’s bond with Caleb bears more than just a passing resemblance to her relationship with Luke. Nott has grown close with Caleb, her dearest friend and surrogate child, and will follow him anywhere he goes (though perhaps not anywhere after all, as we see later in the playlist). The lines “and nothing can keep him from me/he is my destiny” are standouts here, because they seem to represent what Nott sees as her ‘endgame,’ i.e., no longer being a goblin. Flip the narrative around, however, and we see that something has been keeping Nott from Luke, in spite of her best efforts and “trying to get back” but “not being strong enough.” It seems that in Luke’s absence, she hasn’t just transferred her protective instinct to Caleb but also her desperate desire to be with her child--one that has a significant obstacle attached to it, where until now, nothing has come between Nott and Caleb.

The Wizard and I | Stephen Schwartz: “Remarkably perfect song reflecting Nott’s dream of being saved by the magic of a wizard. Favorite line: ‘Would it be all right by you if I de-green-ify you?’”

Yeah...Sam’s blurb calls out the number one line in this song, for sure. But there are other parallels here, too. In the first part of the song, Elphaba learns that her own magical abilities that she’s tried to suppress might be the way she can get closer to the Wizard of Oz and eventually achieve her dreams. Nott, similarly, has latent magical abilities that Caleb has been teaching her and encouraging her to explore on her own, further strengthening their bond. Elphaba has been hoping to meet the Wizard (and by implication to be rid of her green skin) “since birth”--and if Nott was indeed reborn as a goblin with her adult memories intact, she would be in the same position. The lines “and this gift or this curse I have inside/maybe at last, I’ll know why” are also really interesting in this context. With the speculation that meddling with the beacon caused her to be reincarnated or transformed into a goblin, the idea that being around Caleb might lead her to answers about why it happened suddenly becomes a lot more possible--since without Caleb and the rest of the Nein, Nott might never have known what the Beacon, or dunamancy, was, and perhaps never would have heard about the reincarnation powers it holds. 

I Got Drunk | Mal Blum: “Brilliant track about the monotony of drunkenness. Nott relies on her inebriation more than she probably should. But booze is always there, a steady, reassuring friend.”

“It’s just so easy when there’s nothing else to lose,” Blum’s first verse says. And isn’t that the position we found Nott in when the story began? Without a home, without a family, and with almost no hope left--just the chance that Caleb could one day be powerful enough to change her. The later line “I’ve got to drink ‘til I am dead or I am numb” points more to how Nott drinks to self-medicate or cope. She definitely seems to use the alcohol as a coping mechanism for her body dysmorphia, and the fact that drunkenness makes her immune to fear calls to mind the halfling traits that she lacks--or has lost. She drinks to numb out both her pain and her fear. Nott wants to “drink ‘til I get drunk, do something dumb,” and indeed, she does get seriously reckless and more impulsive when intoxicated. 

Brave | Riley Pearce: “In this song, I hear less about bravery and more about trying to be courageous for someone else. This is a powerful driving force behind some of Nott’s finer moments. She’s not trying to prove anything to herself — she’s doing it for another person.”

It’s unclear if Sam’s referring to Nott’s past when he mentions “someone else” or if he’s speaking more generally about how Nott’s bravery depends on her being needed. “I’m just trying to be brave” is literally the entire chorus, and we see that in how Nott drinks to overcome her fears, but also in her presumed desire to become (or return to being) a halfling. We also get a hint at Nott’s fears in the post-chorus lines “It’s the body of water/that splits us right down the middle/I’ll be coming back for you.” The speculation that water might have played a role in Nott’s death (if that happened? we need answers) plays right to this part of the song--that water literally separated her from her family, but that she wants to come back for them eventually. Another verse says “to get home now would take something/that I’m not sure I have left,” reflecting how Nott said she “wasn’t strong enough yet” to come home, and how she said “I will be [alive again] too,” implying that at least for the moment she doesn’t see herself as fully “alive.”

Hotel Detective | They Might be Giants: “Being a small-time detective gives Nott endless entertainment, and has sparked a unique friendship with Jester, one she hopes will last forever.”

After that string of relatively heavy songs, Hotel Detective is another lighthearted interlude. After all, Nott and Jester’s relationship tends toward the comic relief. The lyrics are fun, and so is the tune. Lines like “if you’ve got a secret, boy/forget about it!” are pure Jester and Nott, and the confidence they exude even when they’re wrong in the course of their “investigations.” There’s another subtle line that jumps out at me: “she says she likes my face.” Jester, moreso than any other member of the Nein, insists that Nott is beautiful. While the rest are more realistic about goblin features and especially how they’re perceived by the public, Jester stalwartly sticks by her perception of Nott as pretty and feminine, and I have no doubt that insistence plays a role in how quickly Nott got attached to Jester.

Hiding and Seeking | Little Chief: “She is always hiding from the judgment of others… but also seeking their acceptance. It’s a tricky balance, one that Nott has not yet mastered.”

This song is really brief, but nevertheless there are still lines worth unpacking. “I am free to roam/there is nothing to fear” seems to refer to Nott’s sense of safety with the Nein; she doesn’t need to hide herself from them, and she doesn’t need to fear them. Nott doesn’t want to hide, but hiding is absolutely how she survives; she wants to be *found* in some way, but I suspect it’s more that she wants to be understood than literally discovered or tracked down. She may be asking “come and seek me” because she’s hidden parts of herself that the Nein haven’t paid any notice to yet--but now, I think we’ll see the rest of the party will “come and find” her sooner rather than later.

Psycho Killer | Talking Heads: “Nott may be anxious, but if you push her around too much, the little goblin girl might get set off. And then… it’s on.”

Sure, this is a song about Nott going off on her opponents, but there’s a lot of “run run run run away” for a raw combat-oriented song. I almost feel that a part of this song is a commentary on the party: “you’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything/when I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed” being a commentary on how the party often goes in circles rather than cutting through the bullshit. The bridge of this song is in French, and the line “je me lance, vers la gloire” [roughly, I’m going for the glory] sticks out in particular given that of the entire party, Nott has far and away the highest kill count.

Self Care | Mac Miller: “Tragic song by a tragic musician. Nott’s need to self-medicate could get her killed one day, but to her, it’s worth it.”

“And you can find me, I ain’t hiding” is interesting in contrast with Hiding and Seeking, where Nott is hiding in spite of her desire to be found. I think it’s key that this song is referencing Nott’s drinking--she’s engaging in constant, public substance abuse, and makes no attempt to hide the fact that she’s an alcoholic. Miller says “I was, thinking too much, got stuck in oblivion;” Nott copes with her anxieties by drowning it out with liquor, and she’s trapping herself in that position. We’ve started to see the cracks in that carefree facade now that she’s lashed out at both Caleb and Jester while severely drunk. 

Two Birds | Regina Spektor: “The lyrics describe a wonderful, inseparable pair. But there’s a lingering doubt. Something standing in the way. Some force that might pull them apart someday…”

This is almost certainly about Caleb and Nott. She has insisted that “there’s nothing I won’t understand,” i.e., she loves him unconditionally and wants him to forgive himself. But as Sam says, there’s something standing in the way. This ‘force’ that’s present isn’t quite pinned down--Caleb’s goals, or Nott’s family, perhaps. But as this backstory begins to unravel, I think we see that Caleb doesn’t want to move forward--he’s “never going to let go of that wire” while Nott is inclined to go on with life, and the fact that he’s trapped in the past and afraid to open up might be the very thing that pulls them apart.

Sinking Ship | Wild Child: “Just a really sad, beautiful song. Nott has a deep, underlying regret every day of her life. But sometimes you need to experience true sadness to emerge on the other side.”

“Oh, if it’s cold in the water/am I better for it” is, um. It’s a lot, especially given the theory that Nott-as-a-halfling could have died by drowning. The theme of water comes up several times in the playlist, but nowhere so tragically as here. This “underlying regret every day of her life” that Sam mentions, in conjunction with the water theme, makes me desperate to find out exactly how Nott was separated from Yeza and Luke, and if leaving Felderwin is her deep, underlying regret, or if something even more profound has shaped her. “Both my broken hands are true” definitely feels like a commentary on her loyalty to both Yeza and Luke, and her desire to come home someday, feeling “always here and now with you” in spite of being miles away. 

S.O.B. | Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats: “How wonderful it would be if we could all just let loose, be who we are inside, and get totally f—ked up.”

“I’m gonna need someone to care,” Rateliff sings, but “if I can’t get clean/I’m gonna drink my life away.” Isn’t that the worst ever summary of Nott the Brave? She’s desperate to have someone who will help her, and she’s sure to have found more than one ally in the Mighty Nein, but until this moment, they didn’t realize how fragile Nott’s composure has been. If she can’t get out of her cycle of alcohol abuse--something that might only be remedied by being True Polymorphed--drinking really will put her life at risk. The line “my heart was breaking, hands are shaking” doubles down on her relationship with drinking as an inherently unhealthy coping mechanism. “Son of a bitch, give me a drink/one more night/this can’t be me” addresses the facts of Nott’s situation in exactly the way Sam lays it out: Nott wants to be herself in some way that is inaccessible to her, and she drinks both to cope with that reality as well as to get closer to what she wishes she could be. At the same time, she wants to get “totally fucked up” and let go altogether, because when she’s drunk, she doesn’t have to worry about anything.

[dentalrecordsmusic]

Starry-Eyed Curiosity: An Interview with Curtis Cooper

Photo courtesy of Catherine Dempsey

"Every time Rancid puts out a new single, I feel like I've heard it so many times,” says Curtis Cooper. "They don't even care anymore. I think there's a limit to good creativity if you stick to the same genre, but if you're flexible you can write forever.”

Cooper is seated in a porch chair playing with their blond locks. Their Choking Victim t-shirt is a noticeable reflection of their roots, but not the end-all-be-all. Cooper lists their influences all over the musical map, from Elliot Smith to The Unseen, Amy Winehouse to Bright Eyes — wherever they find their home in the world of noise and sound is simply whatever strikes them with surprise and beatific style.

Cooper began playing music when they were four, learning Elvis melodies “because [they] couldn’t physically play chords yet.” After finding themselves in the midst of Beatles worship, Cooper discovered Nirvana when they were 12. “I just learned Nirvana songs for years and I got really into punk in high school when I was 16, and I started playing in bands but it was more like, ‘Let's get as drunk as we can.’ No one was paying attention to what was going on.”

Cooper’s first ever band was called Don’t Get Caught! when they were 17, an obvious nod at an Against Me! reference complete with an exclamation point for emphasis. "A lot of the songs were just about getting fucked up and drinking and drugs and they were nonsensicle and we didn't put in the time and we were just getting fucked up,” Cooper says. "That was just that point in time. At the time for me, music was secondary and drinking and drugs were the priority. It's a bit more focused these days,” they say with a laugh.

The 29-year-old Philly native has dipped their toe into genres and sounds that are scattered and yet oddly fitting. They first came to DRM’s attention back when they were fronting the punk outfit Community Service. The band released J-a.w/n< in August 2013 and found that they quickly became a staple of the Philadelphia punk scene. The band was fun, upbeat, no-frills punk rock with a silly sly smile and an undertone of ska.

"When I started Community Service it was a demo thing and it was just me playing dumb demo shit and then I started trying to focus more, and it wasn't just punk,” they say. "It was sad boy songs and punk and I remember when I got back to Philly [from Boston] and was playing with this nasty drummer Luke Dillon, after we graduated and moved back home I kept playing with Miles and Will and we did that for a couple years. We got all the stupid out of our system."

Touring was no easy feat for Cooper and their bandmates. Most baby bands tend to take any show they can get their hands on — Community Service was no different. "We would start in Baltimore and then we'd take a show in Rockhill, South Carolina which is like an 8-hour drive and sometimes the routes would take us close to home [in Philly] and that's what would fuck us up,” they say. "If we passed through Philly and had a day off, you'd be like, 'I wish I could be home now, why am I playing these stupid shows?’”

The band had a habit of playing hard in more ways than simply playing their instruments. "I was always fine mentally but you could see the others where slipping, after two and a half weeks in a car, we were just drinking [alcohol] and Red Bull, drinking and Red Bull,” they say. "I would get home and be like, ‘What did I do to myself?’ Some people would be in the van freaking out like, ‘What the fuck are we doing?!'"

Around the same time Cooper was playing with Community Service, they went on to write and perform solo acoustic-based music, releasing their first solo record, Laughing In Line in January 2016. "Right after I started doing my acoustic stuff I was like, ‘Ehh I'm kind of done with punk,’” they say. "I still go to punk shows every once in a while but the scene isn't as rewarding to me but it depends on the kind of punk. It was really into rewarding stupid behavior like how much can you drink? That makes you cool. How many studs are on your jacket? So stupid. Are you kidding me? Fuck you.”

Cooper’s disillusionment in the punk scene sent them on a path towards more expressive and sensitive songwriting. "I feel like I was faking it in the punk scene,” they say. "I'm not hardcore at all. Dip my toe in kind of thing. I have a bunch of songs I wrote for my friend Morgan [Ganou] to sing and in my head I'm writing for Amy Winehouse. I like the energy of punk, but that energy could come from all kinds of music."

An album as colorfully composed as its accompanying artwork, Laughing In Line was Cooper’s introduction to their more sultry, creative, and quietly shocking approach to music. With songs featuring another talented voice, such as Ganou on track three “Happy and Sane,” Cooper was able to reach for influences, sounds, textures, and stark silences to create an atmosphere fit for indie-pop-acoustic dreams made reality. "When you play loud people talk over you,” Cooper says. "When you play quiet people will shut up and then they talk right over you. But I've learned that if I play loud and then I just shut up really fast it grabs people's attention. When I was playing house shows that was my trick. Then I started writing songs around those tricks which I definitely did for Laughing.”

Then along came Messy, a noisy, turbulent, and dingy journey through one’s own insecurities and bouts with self-destruction which Cooper reluctantly dropped in November 2017 and largely written on electric guitar in stark contrast to the last release, Laughing In Line. "I was so suicidal and I hope I'm never there in my life again,” they say. "I don't wanna do that. I was drinking a ton during that record. I go to sobriety meetings every now and then these days. I would just get drunk, wake up the next morning, and I'm suicidal. There's real addicts and they're struggling to survive. I don't have that problem but it's just like a mental instability problem. I guess the big thing I've learned is I say ‘no' to a lot of things. I can't hang out with everyone I used to hang out with.”

Messy was a hugely intimate portrayal of Cooper, who was uncertain the record would be too intense for listeners to digest. "Messy was way too personal and I went way too far,” they say. "I've never been one to shy away from sharing personal stuff but it was just way too honest. Some of the songs I did change the lyrics too and it was still way too honest. I would've gone back and changed the lyrics and made them more convoluted and not so direct. Buried the vocals more in the mix."

Being a non-binary artist plays a role in how Cooper is able to create their art, often avoiding people and things that don’t stick out as enjoyable or pleasant for them. "I wanna hang out with people who are cool with me being non-binary and know how to use my pronouns properly and don't care what I'm wearing. Those are the people I wanna hang out with,” they say. "People get stuck in saying they'll hang out with certain people and then I'm like, ‘Why the fuck did I say yes to this?' That's another side. Saying ‘no' doesn't mean you're a dick and people could interpret that as being a dick, but that's on them. There are people who don't like you, that's fine, fuck them.”

Cooper is noticeably thrilled to have completed their latest record, which currently has no working title. After starting with 15 tracks, they wrote it down to ten. They say there will be two instrumentals and claim it’s "weird and fun to play." This one is slated to be acoustic-based but it's built on some "Elliot Smith worship" and "a million double vocals.” "I recorded it in my room and it's not very clean,” they say. "It's definitely gonna be like a 'bedroom pop’ record.”

Cooper has extensive plans to tour this summer, joining Thin Lips who will be opening for Hop Along for a month, then Slaughter Beach Dog immediately after. Thin Lips just released their new single "A Song For Those Who Miss You All The Time.” "I gotta learn these Thin Lips songs and it's way harder than I thought it would be,” Cooper says. "I really did not think it would take me so long. They're fucking tough! The chords are so fucking weird so I have to do that, and we get back from tour September 5 and then I have an Amy Winehouse set on September 14th which is an hour long. I have to learn all these Amy Winehouse songs which is so much fun. It's in Germantown on her birthday. It's gonna be sick.”

Cooper has always had a ton of love for Amy Winehouse — when they first heard her prominent single, “Rehab,” they quickly went out and bought her sophomore record Back to Black. "I feel like I'm the weak link in the Amy Winehouse band so I gotta get my shit together,” they say. "It's gonna be difficult but so worth it. I feel like learning someone's songs gets you into their mindset. You're getting better and diving deeper. This is what its like to be depressed and going through addiction and also being so talented and making something so beautiful out of it. Amy sounds like a horn and she can just wail."

The future looks as though it’s painted in gold for Cooper, though it’s uncertain and constantly changing. However, their persistent hold on creativity and artistry leads one to believe that they aren’t done yet, and they won’t be done for some time. "I'm gonna be doing this forever so you can only write for yourself and if you don't like what you're doing then you're not gonna have fun,” they say. "I wanna be in a Primus cover band and an Amy Winehouse cover band and that would be insane,” Cooper says with a laugh.

Cooper will be playing with their full band (Jack Zaferes on Bass, Scott Stitzer on Drums) on June 28 at Space 1026 with Mal Blum and the Blums, Teenage Halloween and Ramona. They will also be playing with Thin Lips on  July 24 opening for The Japandroids at Boot and Saddle, and August 25 at Philamoca opening for Slaughter Beach, Dog. Thin Lips with be on tour with Hop Along from July 28 - August 21 on a full US Tour, and then will be touring with Slaughter Beach, Dog from August 23 - September 2.

Keep up with Curtis Cooper on Facebook, Instagram, Spotify, Apple Music, and Bandcamp.

Catherine Dempsey has been laughing in line. You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter.