#anxceit angst

[lil-toastie-boi]

"Pink camellia flowers are known to express longing."

[aollosjustlurking]

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply. There will be adult language, smut, cheating (kinda, not really, it's complicated), manipulation, and other things to be added. This chapter has arguing and adult language.  

This chapter’s Taylor Swift song is “Exile (feat. Bon Iver)”

Here it is:

You Didn't Even Hear Me Out

Virgil had so much to overthink about. He had begun to comb through the past few months and analyze every interaction he had ever had with Roman. He couldn’t tell if the heat in his face that the memory of Princy calling him “hot topic” brought was there originally or whether it was added in hindsight as he sat in his room losing his mind. This all could not have risen so suddenly, surely. But then again, if this cacophony of feelings was a long time coming, was that any better? The more he looked back, the more he realized how he had planted these seeds a while ago.

He decided to break from driving himself mad and instead brave the common area in search of his headphones. He had left them somewhere in there while pacing around the previous night. He was very much hoping that he could find them before Remus did. The Dark Sides’ living room was, you guessed it, characteristically dark. Very few lamps littered the area, giving quite the “evil lair” ambiance. A few chairs were scattered around, all fairly worn from a combination of years of use and daily Remus activities. As Virgil entered the room, he was very disappointed to see that both Remus and Janus were also there. However, he was able to spot his headphones (seemingly fine, though he would have to inspect them before putting them on for sure) on “his” section of the couch. He should just be able to grab them and quietly leave. 

As he walked over to retrieve his lost belongings, Janus spoke. “Remus, humor me, what sort of antics/experiments did you get up to yesterday? I do hope you didn’t break anything, especially not in our kitchen.” He looked directly into Virgil’s eyes despite asking Remus the question. Virgil could feel his body get warmer and his throat dryer. 

“Oh! I mainly did stuff in my room yesterday. It was this really funny thing, so I set up this dungeon right, oh Virgy you will love this-” Virgil was certain that he would not. Luckily for him, and also very unluckily for him, Janus cut off the Duke’s sentence.

“So you didn’t mess about in the kitchen yesterday?”

“Not yesterday…Why? Do you want me to?” A new level of excitement glimmered in Remus’ eyes. 

Janus and Virgil both replied a stern “No.”, the first thing they had agreed upon in weeks. 

“Though, I do find it interesting, if you weren’t messing about in there, then why did Virgil here feel the need to go over and use the others’ kitchen when ours is perfectly fine?” Once again, this quip was worded as if he was expecting Remus to respond, but his unwavering eye contact with Virgil said otherwise. “Furthermore, why accuse Remus of being the reason you were there in a justification to Roman?”

“Aw, Virgil! You told my brother I was wreaking havoc so bad that you had to leave? You’re so kind!” Remus was either completely unaware of the seriousness of this conversation or just didn’t care. Most likely the latter. 

Janus continued, no doubt completely aware of how Virgil hadn’t been able to get a word out in his own defense yet, “Yes, but is making the rest of us look bad so that he can hang out with them is sustainable I wonder?”

“Ok I was not ‘hanging out’ with any of them!” Virgil finally got to argue back, but truth be told he didn’t want to. He wanted to be as far away from this situation as possible. 

“I mean~ if I’m not wrong, Roman was there,” Remus felt the need to contribute, as always. 

“Sure but we were not ‘hanging out’! We were in the same room for like five minutes,” he was sure that Janus would be able to take offense to the situation how it was truthfully, the embellishments were not needed. 

“Well it seems like,” Janus drew this part of the sentence out,”that you’re making us look bad for your own gain.”

“God forbid I take some fucking oreos from the light sides. You told me to get closer to them! You wanted this!” After weeks of not speaking to each other, this argument was a long time coming. Now Janus had stood up and angled himself towards Virgil. Remus seemed quite entertained.

“When I told you to ‘get closer to the light sides to improve our standings’, I did not mean stand in their kitchen and check Roman out!” Virgil froze at this. He had already felt mix emotions on the whole affair, and now somehow Janus knew? Well, Anxiety could figure out that his lie about Remus had alerted him, and the master of disguise himself must have been hiding from that point forward, but when did he leave?

“You checked out my brother?” Remus didn’t seem particularly angry, more amused. “You know I’m the hotter sibling Virgil, I mean come on.”

“I looked at him. You make it sound like I grabbed him by the sash or some shit!” Virgil’s face was flushed with both anger and embarrassment now. He wanted to downplay the whole thing further, but Janus would see through that.

“You might as well have,” Janus retorted.

“Oh fuck you,” Virgil had never wanted to be in a room with Janus less than in this very moment. 

“Kinda sounds like you don’t want to fuck him, Roman however…” Remus chimed in. Both other sides glared at him for a second before returning to glaring at each other. 

“You might as well, if you are going to throw away everything you have with us you might as well maximize it,” Janus almost seemed hurt. He was mostly maintaining a snarky, “gotcha” tone, but Virgil could see through it ever so slightly. That was not helping Virgil in the slightest. 

“I’m not going to fuck the Prince! God you exaggerate everything, having a conversation with you is fucking horrific! Just once I’d like to not feel like a fucking pawn on a chess board!” For years, Virgil had done Janus’ bidding. Sometimes they agreed on it, most times they didn’t, but this was the first time Virgil had explicitly yelled about it. 

“If you could take one for the team that would be great actually! What else are we going to do? Send Remus in?” He had a point. 

“I’ll do it!” Remus did not have a point.

“No, that wouldn’t work. But Virgil is able to communicate with the others without disturbing them too much, I guess he just doesn’t care enough for us to do it, “ Janus pointedly looked back towards Virgil who scoffed at this notion. “You might as well go and join them, see if they’ll let you. Maybe if you get on your knees and cry about how terrible we are they’ll pity you. Maybe if while you’re on your knees you suck off Roman, then you can cross over!”

“God I hate you! I fucking hate you!” Virgil didn’t think he had ever been more enraged in his entire life. He was on his way to storm out of the room, convinced nothing else would come from this conversation when he made one final look at Deceit. “I’m done with this. And if I ever, ever get a chance to leave you in any other capacity than how I’m doing right now, I will jump on it.” 

“Yeah good luck with that. They hate you, remember?” Janus screamed into the hallway. Virgil didn’t respond. He sunk back into the seat he had been resting in and rubbed his temples.

“Well that was bad,” Remus had broken the silence with a bit too cheery of a tone.

“Really? I thought it went rather well.” Janus did not in fact think it went well. 

[thatgenderlessentity]

Janus- Isn't breaking out of prison your thing?

Virgil- Only reason I escaped last time was because Patton helped me.

Source: DC's Legends of Tomorrow

[robertdownerjunior]

Prinxiety and anxceit fic where Virgil is sobbing over janus and Roman is comforting him. (Bc anarociet is my beloved)

[pencilpat]

Birds on a wire....

[bailey-orphic08]

There has been a disturbingly low amount of anxceit content and I think that needs to change right now.

[logan-the-artist]

B2 with Janus and V? Mayhaps V can be purple? Hope this isn’t to much of a bother!

it’s not a bother at all!! :]

im loving the angst.

[sanderssidesficprompts]

Any two (or more) Sides making up after a fight

[toastskinpics]

All my me/Janus moodboards

[starshard17]

Anxceit Week - Day 4 💜💛

Free Day

"I totally didn't need

your help, y’know."

"Sure you didn't.

Now hold still..."

[emoprincey]

I had to shorten some of the quotes so they'd fit into the poll, but you get the idea

[clydesavage-thefox147]

So, in light of that cute pose Janus did in the end card, I had to make this edit. Thought I'd make it look like an old photo of them.

However, a friend of mine decided to make it more angsty with these two edits of theirs and the little Anxceit part of me is crying

😭

[aollosjustlurking]

the final installment of the "folklore x anxceit breakup and virgil leaving the dark sides"  study is here my friends. tonight i give you “hoax”

TW: this song contains mentions to weapons and suicidal thoughts. please do not read if it is unsafe for you to do so.

My only one My smoking gun My eclipsed sun

despite their relationship being rocky, for a while all virgil had was the dark sides, and more specifically janus. this juxtaposition of calling something yours in a romantic way before describing it as an unpleasant or dangerous way is incredibly fitting for the two of them.

This has broken me down

we are looking at the final moments of anxceit here. this is before virgil has "moved on" by only letting himself feel hate for janus. right now the pain is raw, even though virgil has been feeling it for months now.

My twisted knife My sleepless night My win-less fight This has frozen my ground

this continues to outline the conflicting feelings virgil is feeling. on the one hand he feels for janus, he loves him, but on the other hand he realizes that they cannot work and that his priorities lie with the light sides.

Stood on the cliffside Screaming, "Give me a reason"

i see this as virgil deciding to "duck out" but also deciding to end things with janus. he doesn't know which way anything will go and he just wants direction.

Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in

at one point virgil did truly believe in his relationship with janus. but as he got closer with the light sides and things began to deteriorate, he started to question whether it was a lie, a hoax. even still he stayed for a while, not willing to actually come to terms with his own query.

Don't want no other shade of blue But you No other sadness in the world would do

again, the conflicting feelings he is feeling at the end of it all.

My best laid plan Your sleight of hand

both of these are referring to scheming in one way or another. this is obviously easily tied to janus, but i feel easily tied to virgil as well. virgil doesn't feel comfortable with lies, we know this, but a plan is not necessarily nefarious. planning romantic endeavors is something we know he prefers to do as we saw in "flirting with social anxiety".

My barren land I am ash from your fire

rising from the fire often represents growth. virgil knows that to grow he needs to leave and rise from the ashes.

Stood on the cliffside Screaming "Give me a reason" Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in Don't want no other shade of blue But you No other sadness in the world would do

You know I left a part of me back in New York

now, instead of "in new york" just think "with the other sides"

You knew the hero died, so what's the movie for?

this seems like something you'd say, exasperated, in an argument. like the two of them have being yelling back and forth and virgil is just done. why are we doing this? we know this is over. why are we fighting still?

You knew it still hurts underneath my scars From when they pulled me apart

virgil refers to the pain he felt as an antagonist as mostly shame, but i think we all know he was not happy to be insulted every day, to be pulled apart every day.

You knew the password, so I let you in the door You knew you won, so what's the point of keeping score?

these are once again exasperated statements. i believe that janus wanted virgil to stay and wanted the two of them to stay together so he fought. at some point virgil gave up on fighting and fully left.

You knew it still hurts underneath my scars From when they pulled me apart But what you did was just as dark

Darling, this was just as hard As when they pulled me apart

we don't know of any large, back-stabbing event where janus totally screwed over virgil. i imagine some sort of catalyst though. or, as i theorized with the illicit affairs post, too many little lies were given by janus and virgil just couldn't do it anymore. at some point virgil had to have decided that being with the light sides who had antagonized him for at least months was better than being with janus.

My only one My kingdom come undone

i love this line so much. it truly exemplifies what i think happened. at some point, close to when virgil was accepted, anxceit just unraveled into the mess it is today.

My broken drum You have beaten my heart

Don't want no other shade of blue But you No other sadness in the world would do

virgil still loves janus, at least he does shortly after being accepted. but he, in his opinion, has to move on and away from that chapter.

[muppetable]

me trying to figure out a normal reason people cry so i don't have to awkwardly explain to my parents i'm crying over an angsty idea i had of my favorite ships

[far-from-fran]

Thinking about anxceit angst...

[lily-janus]

Someone Like You - Chapter 5

Chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4 | next

Summary: Janus and his dad are both hurt and haunted by their past, it's time they'll talk about it with each other, and what's a better time than 2 in the morning?

Pairing: past anxceit, pre romantic roceit

Warnings: grief, mentions of past accident and death, regret, self deprecation, disability, insomnia. Let me know if there's anything I missed.

Word count: 1,416

Hey folks! Sorry for the late update, this week was hectic for me omg. But I'm here to deliver you another unhealthy dose of angst horray! @prince-rowan-of-the-forest

Just stop thinking about him…

Stop thinking about Virgil…

He doesn't matter anymore…

You don't need him…

Janus turned in his bed, it was hard enough to find a position where his left leg hurt the least, but now he was so restless he couldn't stop moving and turning.

Why the fuck did he agree to go there? What was he thinking? All it did was bring back all the pain he spent so much time trying to push down…

It's not fair how Virgil can hurt him even when he's not there while he gets to laugh with his new friends and kiss Roman's soft lips whenever he pleases and-

No, that's not the time to be thinking of this… he needs to sleep…

Ugh who is he kidding? He's not going to sleep tonight…

With a sigh, he got up and went to get himself some water and maybe a - he checked the time - 2am snack.

When he got to the kitchen, however, it wasn't as dark and empty as he expected. His dad was sitting at the table, looking at a photo that, even though Janus couldn't see it, was obviously of his mom.

So, it's going to be one of these nights it seems… great.

"Hey dad.." Janus said softly but his dad still jumped in surprise.

"Oh! H-hwy buddy! What are you doing up?" His dad put up a smile that wasn't fooling any of them.

Janus raised an eyebrow, "I can ask you the same question… been thinking about her?" He asked softly.

His dad let out an empty chuckle, shaking his head, "I always think about her… I never stopped… but yeah, I am.." he admitted, his barely-put-together cheerful persona falling away to reveal his sad and tired face.

He gestured weakly for Janus to sit next to him and they both stared at the picture in silence for a long moment. The three of them laughing and covered in mud on the floor.

Janus remembered that day, it was the day before the accident… it just finished raining and the sun was coming out of the clouds, making a beautiful rainbow. Janus' mom insisted they'll go out and take a picture with it so they rushed outside, his dad bringing their old camera and setting it up. They all posed but at the last second, Janus' dad slipped on the mud, making all three of them fall with him and they all burst into laughter right when the timer went down and the camera clicked.

Janus stared at himself in that picture, happy and healthy and… normal. Sometimes he forgets he ever was that… normal. His father's sigh broke him out of his thoughts.

"I should have been there…" he said quietly.

Janus held back his tears at the sound of his dad's regretful tone, "don't… it doesn't help anything… it just hurts you when you think like that… we can't change what happened."

"I know… I know you're right… but the feeling is still there… I yelled at her…" he trailed off with a sob, "my last moments with her were spent arguing over stupid things that don't matter… don't mean anything like you two mean to me…" he buried his face in his hands, taking shaky breaths. "What would she think of me now…"

Janus laid a hand on his father's trembling shoulders, "you're doing your best, she would love you for it… just like I do."

His dad relaxed back into the chair, leaning his head over his son's shoulder and relaxing slowly. "Thank you, son… that means a lot.."

They stayed that way for a long moment, before his dad lifted his head to look at Janus, "and why are you up?"

Janus sighed, he was hoping to avoid this question… "just thoughts… won't stop pestering me, ya know?" He tried but it was clear his dad wasn't buying it.

He took a deep breath, "...I went to Virgil's the other day…" he started. He never actually told his dad what happened between them, but the man was smart enough and knew him well enough to have a pretty good guess of the reason behind Virgil's sudden disappearance. "...and now I can't stop thinking about him again.." he admitted.

His father nodded in understanding, "I see… you never really told what happened between you two." He said carefully.

Normally, Janus would brush off the question, but his dad seems to need a distraction like this right now and it's not like it's some big secret… he can't stop thinking about it now anyway so might as well tell someone.

So, Janus took a deep breath, "there's not much to tell, really… one day he just stopped answering my texts… he stopped being in our usual meeting stops… then, a week or so later… I see him hanging with the popular group at our school. Not even meeting my eyes… I just can't stop wondering what I could have possibly done or said that drove him away like that… was he only my friend because he thought I was his only choice?"

Janus didn't realize he was crying until his dad reached out and wiped the tears from his cheeks, "I'm sorry son, that's awful." He hugged him gently.

Janus sniffed and sighed, "I probably deserved it…" he said quietly.

His dad pulled away to look him in the eyes, "no, you didn't, what Virgil did was not okay, you hear me?" He said firmly.

Janus nodded weakly and his dad gave him a comforting smile. "Come on, we both need to go to bed."

And they each got up and went to their rooms to try and get some sleep before the sun came up.

…

He woke up to his phone ringing.

Frowning, he pulled the phone off the charger and looked to see who was calling him.

He almost dropped his phone when he saw it was Roman of all people. Does it have something to do with their project? But it's sunday, couldn't that wait until they see each other at school on monday?

Mind racing, he nervously answered and put the phone to his ear, "hello?"

Silence.

"Roman?"

"...are you okay?"

Janus frowned, looking at the clock, "you woke me up at 8 in the morning on sunday just to ask me that?"

"Sorry I just felt really bad over what happened at Virgil's and I just had to see how you were doing…"

Janus was glad it was a phone call and that Roman couldn't see his blush, "w-what do you have to feel bad about? It's between me and Virg-"

"I know but I knew you had a history and I still convinced you to go and I'm so sorry, I didn't think it would be so painful for you…"

Roman started bubbling as Janus just sat there, stunned, "...you… blame yourself on yesterday?" He asked suddenly, making Roman stop.

"Um… yes? I guess it's kinda dumb huh?" He heard Roman chuckle awkwardly.

"No it's… actually sweet…" Janus thought to himself with heated cheeks.

"What?"

Janus suddenly realized he said it out loud and hung up immediately, heart racing. What the fuck is he doing?

He waited anxiously to see if Roman would call again, but when nothing happened, he sighed in relief and went downstairs to start on making breakfast for him and his dad.

…

"Someone is up early, it smells amazing here." His father greeted him a few hours later as he walked into the kitchen, "can I help with anything?"

Janus turned from the pan on the stove to raise an eyebrow at his dad, "last time you 'helped' I almost had to call the fire department."

"Hey! That was not my fault! The instructions were very confusing!" His dad protested with a grin.

Janus just shook his head with a smile and turned back to the pancakes he was in the middle of making.

They were just about to sit down to eat when a knock was heard from the door.

With a sigh, Janus grubbed his cane and went to answer it.

He was feeling strangely better today. He never imagined telling his dad what happened would make much of a difference but… it really did. It still hurt, but it was more dull than before… weird.

He opened the door and nearly dropped his cane when he saw who it was.

"Um… hey…" said Virgil awkwardly, "c-can we talk?"