#janus sanders angst

[monkeythefander]

Sanders Sides Angst Headcannons

@thatsthat24

CW: Angst headcannons for each of the sides

———————————————————————

• After Janus’ fake compliments in the courtroom, Roman has a hard time believing compliments from Thomas and the other sides.

• Back when Virgil still lived with the Dark Sides, Janus would make a cake for Virgil’s birthday every year that the two of them and the other Dark Sides could share. After Virgil left, Janus continued the tradition of baking a cake. However since Virgil’s gone Janus takes the cake to the anxious side’s old room and eats some of it by himself, leaving a bit in the room in case Virgil ever decides to come back.

• Remus has a sketch book full of drawings he and Roman made together before the mindscape became divided. Whenever Remus misses his brother he’ll look at the drawings.

• Since nobody likes to listen to him, Logan has a journal he writes all his thoughts in. The journal started off as a professional log of his days, but it’s slowly become more of diary since it’s basically his only companion.

• Patton has a closet full of boxes tissue boxes in his room because he lets out all the sad emotions he suppresses through tears when he’s alone.

A/N: I just wanted to note that if you like any of my headcannons and want to write a fanfic or make a drawing based on it you can do so as long as you credit me and tag me in the post so I can see it.

-Monkey💜

[lil-toastie-boi]

Glitch

[Plain text: "Glitch" End plain text.]

(reblogs over likes!) (don't repost!) (click for better quality!)

[tastic-in-its-finest]

:(

[thermodynamic-comedian]

thinking abt that christmas special again. janus showing up already completely drunk is so. like. okay imagine you're being forced to go to an event you see no point in with people you know hate you, people who have consistently hated you for several decades, including someone you used to have a genuine connection with before they essentially abandoned you in favor of being accepted by the aforementioned people that hate you. all of that, and you have to face the man who's the literal reason for your existence, your one purpose in life, the reason you do everything you do, the person you're trying to protect above all else. and he hates you too. or at least he did, up until very, very recently, when he suddenly started validating your existence, most definitely leading to a lot of unresolved and pent up feelings being released all at once.

like yeah no i genuinely do not think she would've been able to handle that entire situation without some alcohol.

[orbch]

My sasi animatics are usually just recaps of episodes but I had an idea that I aggroed on LOL so (ill explain the idea more vvv because im insane)

I don’t think that Logan would ever duck out as a result of the lack of acknowledgement he receives. I don’t think he would ever take HIMSELF out of the picture… but I don’t know… him taking the others out is an interesting idea. tehehehee..

I really liked the idea of Logan cutting all contact between Thomas and the others via restricting everyone to their rooms (even if I don’t really rhink something like this would canonically happen, still an interesting thought). And Virgil wants to help him, or stop him, or do anything about this, but seeing someone you are possibly the closest with being corrupted by someone you’ve distanced yourself from for so long kind of muddles what the right way to go about that would be.

So Thomas can feel himself falling into the steadfast work prioritization. And Remus, well Remus is no stranger to being hidden away from Thomas, so he wont let himself mourn the prematurely fleeting liberation. Roman, not used to being trapped in the confines of his own room, is quickly holed into an unbreakable maladaptive daydreaming state. Janus knows well and good what’s happening, it was inevitable, he just never expected such a direct approach from Logan. And Patton,, we know how Patton gets when stuck in his room too long :///

But with that all out of the way Logan and Thomas can finally start a new day and get working. yaayyy..!

[aidensm8]

Finally got the motivation to draw another part of Chapter 3. Logan is a mood.

[zibbyyss]

idk I find it unique how people say “oh it’s so weird to see Patton without glasses” or “it’s weird to see Remus without a mustache” which is reasonable cuz all of them have something hiding a part of their face. Both Patton and Logan have the glasses, Remus have the mustache, Janus has the half snake face, Virgil had the eyeshadow, all of them have something showing a different facial appearance except for Roman

[let-roman-bite-someone]

so you know how when the dark sides (mainly Janus) rise up/reveal themselves, the lighting gets significantly dimmer?

well, look at Logan's initial appearances

compared to his more recent appearances.

[part-time-zombie]

Ok so hear me out...

Janus shape-shifts and can accurately look like any of the other sides (technically so can the others, but janus does it the most)

Remus can conjure pretty much anything, even replicas of living people (again, roman can do this too, but remus does it more)

Do you think remus ever asked janus to look like roman for a little while so he can pretend he's with his brother?

Has janus ever asked remus to conjure a fake virgil so it feels like their former friend is still with them?

[monkeythefander]

Revealed Secrets Strengthen Bonds

(Part 2 of Anxceit Zombie Apocalypse AU)

Summary: Now that Janus’ identity as a zombie is known, how will the rest of Virgil’s family take the news?

(This oneshot prompt was suggested by DnDeceit (Hazgarn) @dndeceit in a comment on AO3)

Content Warning(s): Zombie Janus, mention of horror movies, mention of food (meat and candy), mention of an illness (a cold), mention of medicine (cold medicine and pain relief medicine), mention of headaches, mention of weapons (morning star, handgun, and knife), fear, fighting, violence, stabbing/killing of a zombie (a random zombie), mentioned past Patton and Virgil angst, mentioned past assumed character death, current Janus & Roman angst (but there is comfort at the end). Let me know if I missed anything else.

Click below the cut to read the oneshot

<Janus’ POV>

Shortly after Virgil and Janus’s heartfelt conversation, Virgil suggested they go downstairs and have a conversation with his family about Janus being a zombie. Virgil could seemingly sense Janus’ distress at the idea though, and immediately tried to comfort Janus and explain himself.

“Jan, it’s better to just rip the bandaid off now. Patton already saw your face, so he’ll probably end up telling the others soon. I was able to get Patton to sit on the couch downstairs to try and calm down and stay safe before coming up here to see why he was scared of you. Uncle Roman and Papa were in the backyard checking on the security cameras, and Logan was reading a book out there as well, so they thankfully did not hear Patton’s scream. So now, you can take some control of the situation and tell the truth. I’ll be with you every step of the way, and make sure they don’t hurt you. I promise. Do you trust me?”

“Yeah, Vee. I trust you.” Janus replied, trying to smile somewhat to show his boyfriend that the reassurance was appreciated.

After that, Virgil told Janus he’d go downstairs first to check on Patton and call his parents and uncle inside to gather in the living room. Then Virgil would return to bring Janus downstairs with him. The emo told Janus he could choose to cover up his face again if that made him more comfortable, or he could keep his face unmasked as it currently was. Whatever Janus wanted to do, Virgil would support. Janus wondered how he got so lucky to have such a sweet boyfriend, as Virgil kissed him on the forehead before leaving to go get his family situated downstairs.

———-

All things considered, Janus found the family meeting went better than he expected. Logan and Remus already respected Janus before the apocalypse started because Virgil brought Janus over a lot, so the two parents thought Janus was a good friend to their son. If anything, the news of Janus being a zombie seemed to lessen some of the anger Logan and Remus held towards him.

Logan said that Janus technically did not fake his death, and he could now better understand why the younger man was hesitant to contact Virgil after the incident, so Janus had officially been forgiven by Logan. Remus also could better understand Janus’ reasoning for not contacting Virgil for a year, and fully forgave Janus as well. The two parents then proceeded to ask Janus a lot of questions related to being a zombie. Logan asked out of wanting to gain more knowledge on how to better accommodate Janus as a guest in the house. Meanwhile, Remus asked questions because as a horror movie fan, he wanted to know everything he could about zombies directly from the source. Remus even asked if Janus was still able to physically age as a zombie, which Janus thought was something he’d had to think about in the future.

During this question and answer session, Patton was sitting on Roman’s lap, and somewhat hiding his face in Roman’s shoulder. Janus noticed that Patton seemed slightly less scared compared to earlier, and that the child was glancing every so often at Janus’ hand, which was being held by Virgil’s. Roman just sat there and listened to Janus’ story, seeming indifferent about Janus. The older man avoided looking Janus in the eye, and didn’t seem like he’d be trusting the undead man anytime soon, but at least Roman wasn’t chasing Janus out of the house.

After the family meeting was over, they carried on with their day like usual, except for meals Logan made sure meat had been prepared for Janus so the undead man wouldn’t be missing meals anymore, which Janus was very thankful for.

A break in routine and an answer for Patton’s staring during the meeting occurred that night when the six-year old was getting ready for bed. Janus was sitting in his room, reading a book when a knock on his opened door drew his attention.

“Oh, hey Vee, what’s up?” Janus asked, not expecting his boyfriend to be looking to hang out now, as the undead man had learned that Virgil usually read a bedtime story to his cousin at this time.

“Pat wants you to help me read a story to him before bed tonight. I don’t know why considering he hasn’t asked you to do so since you arrived here, but he was insistent about it.”

“…Do you think he might not be afraid of me now?” Janus didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he wanted to ask anyway. He trusted Virgil’s opinion.

“Maybe, Jan. Being able to read to Pat is an honor, considering he used to only want Roman to read to him. I don’t know what I did to gain storytelling privileges, but whatever it was made Patton enjoy my company a lot.”

“Okay, I’ll come with you to read to Patton then.” Janus replied before getting up from his seat on his bed and following Virgil to Patton’s bedroom.

Patton was sitting under the covers on his bed, surrounded by some stuffed animals. He was holding a book in hands and smiled brightly at Virgil, before smiling a bit less brightly at Janus. Virgil went to sit next to Patton, while Janus took a seat on the end of the bed, making sure to face the kid.

“So… I heard you want me to help your cousin read you a bedtime story?” Janus asked, wanting to make sure Patton didn’t change his mind.

“Mhm, Virgil is good at reading, but he can’t do as many voices like my papa can. Virge used to say you liked to act, and I know papa is good at voices because he liked to act too. So I want you to help Virge act.” Patton explained as he handed the book over to Janus.

Janus nodded, hoping he wouldn’t disappoint the kid with his narration as he started to read the book. Janus would read a chapter and then hand it off to Virgil, and the two would switch back and forth. They stopped after getting through 4 chapters, since it was getting late. Virgil gave Patton a hug and made sure the six year old was comfy in bed, before motioning for Janus to follow him out of Patton’s room. Before Janus could leave however, Patton called out to him.

“Thank you for reading to me Janny. You’re a good actor, and you’re much nicer than other zombies. I haven’t had to see any zombies close up before, but papa says they’re scary and dangerous. I thought you’d be, but you’re not, and Virge likes you, since you were holding hands earlier, so I trust you. Can you read to me again with Virge again tomorrow night?”

Janus found himself almost tearing up from happiness at hearing that another important person in Virgil’s life trusted him. Virgil, who was standing behind Janus and heard Patton’s statement, smiled and placed a comforting hand on Janus’ shoulder.

“Yeah, Patton, I can read to you again soon. Good night kiddo.”

“Goodnight.” Patton finally closes his eyes, and Janus and Virgil head back towards their own rooms.

Maybe being honest with Virgil’s family would work out for Janus after all.

———

Janus thought that Patton’s trust in him could possibly convince the child’s father to trust him as well, but Roman would still act cautious around Janus. The creative man would only speak to Janus when necessary, and seemed nervous whenever Patton was spending time with Janus. While Roman wasn’t being outright rude, it still hurt every time Roman avoided or acted uncomfortable around Janus. But Janus guessed he would have to just settle for the way things are; he can’t expect everyone he lives with to like him. Things would change between Roman and Janus though two weeks later.

Patton had caught a bad cold, and was coughing a lot. There wasn’t any cold medicine in the house, so the family had to determine who’d go out to find some. Logan preferred to not get into fights unless absolutely necessary, so he said he’d stay home with Patton. The sick child was clingy with Virgil and asking for stories to be read whenever he woke up from naps, so Virgil was also out of the running. That left Janus and the twins, and Logan said it’d be a good idea to have them go as a group of three since it’s been a while since the family last needed anything from the store they could find medicine in, so having three people around to look out for any danger would be an advantage. Roman seemed unhappy about Janus tagging along, but didn’t say anything, so Janus tried to not let thoughts of Roman’s opinion on him take over his mind.

The twins and Janus head out, each carrying their preferred weapons. Remus’ was his morning star, Roman’s was a handgun similar to Virgil’s, and Janus had his trusty knife. Upon arriving at the store, Remus and Janus went towards the medicine section. Roman said he wanted to look for a stuffed animal to give Patton, to try and cheer the kid up.

Remus and Janus are able to find the medicine they need, and Remus puts the medicine into his backpack. Once that task was done, Remus decided he wanted to go look at the snack aisle. The chaotic man figured he could find some candy for Patton, because if Roman could buy a present for Patton, then Remus might as well do so too. Left alone in the medicine aisle, Janus figured he’d grab some pain relief medicine since it’s good to have in general in case of headaches, which Janus knew Virgil got every so often. After Janus put a bottle of pain relief medicine in his own backpack, he suddenly heard a scream coming from the direction Roman went. Janus immediately took off running towards the noise, pulling out his knife in case he needed to use it.

Janus reached the toy aisle to find Roman backed against a wall, handgun on the floor, and a zombie about to grab Roman by the neck. Janus immediately reacted, rushing forward and pulling the zombie back by the shirt before they could touch Roman, and then stabbed the zombie in the back. The zombie groaned in pain and started to turn around and lash out at Janus, but Janus quickly stabbed them in the chest, and then the head, killing them. The dead zombie fell to the ground, and Janus stared at it, making sure it was truly dead as he caught his breath.

Janus looked back over towards Roman to make sure the older man was okay, and saw Roman had slid down against the wall and was sitting on the floor, his face filled with exhaustion and sadness. The older man seemed to notice Janus was looking at him and spoke.

“I’m sorry, Janus. You saved me, yet I didn’t show you any kindness or trust before. I told myself I wanted to be a hero when the apocalypse started. I moved myself and Patton over to my brother’s home to keep us safer, and to try and provide Patton with some happiness being surrounded by his family. Patt was so scared when the news announced the apocalypse, and for a while I’d have to hug him while he cried himself to sleep. And then I had Virgil to protect too when he came home from your college, heartbroken because he thought you died. So I comforted him the best I could, only for you to eventually show up, clearly not dead and apparently a zombie. So I kept my guard up around you, wanting to make sure I’d be ready if you tried to hurt my son or nephew. But I judged you too quickly, didn’t I? And I couldn’t even protect myself in the end, so what kind of hero am I now?” Roman chuckled self-deprecatingly, and began to silently cry.

Janus was caught off guard by Roman’s sudden show of vulnerability around him, as well as the apology. And hearing Roman’s side of the story made it hard for Janus to be too upset with the older man. Roman was just a father and uncle doing his best to protect his family, and clearly he was overwhelmed by it all but did his best to hide it if his silent cries were anything to go by. Roman may have been unfairly rude to Janus, but the creative man had an understandable reason for doing so. Janus walked closer to Roman and knelt down in front of him, resting a gentle hand on the older man’s shoulder. Roman looked up at Janus, an expression of surprise on his face, clearly not expecting Janus to comfort him in any way.

“I forgive you Roman. I wasn’t mad at you before, just upset that you were so quick to judge and dismiss me. Now that I’ve heard your reasoning, I can understand and forgive you. And I don’t know if you care for my opinion on the matter, but you’re a hero Roman. You brought your son to a safe place when the apocalypse began, and comforted those who needed it. That seems pretty heroic to me. You don’t need to be fighting zombies to be a hero, Roman.”

Roman sniffled and smiled slightly.

“Thanks Janus, I think I needed to hear that.”

Janus smiled and hesitated for a moment before opening his arms to offer a hug, since it looked like Roman could use one. Roman nodded and Janus wrapped him in a hug, and the two stayed like that for a minute before Remus reappeared.

“Hey guys, I got some candy for Patty-cakes! What happened here? And cool, you’re getting along now.” Remus said, smiling at his twin and Janus while somewhat glancing at the dead zombie on the ground.

“Janus saved me from that zombie over there. He was a true hero today.” Roman explained to his twin, smiling at Janus.

Janus smiled back, finally feeling like he was accepted by the Sanders’ family. He couldn’t wait to go back home and tell Virgil about the positive outcome of today.

But first, Janus was asked by Roman to help him pick out a stuffed animal for Patton, so the two chose a plushie snake. Janus felt that this could be the start of a good friendship.

-The End-

————

End Notes: Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed the oneshot, please consider leaving a like, comment and/or reblog. If you’d like to see more oneshots in this au, feel free to let me know.

-Monkey💜

——

Links:

Link to this oneshot on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63213952

Link to Part 1 of this series: https://www.tumblr.com/monkeythefander/775672892626173952/ill-love-you-even-after-death-fic-summary-after

Link to Part 3 of this series: https://www.tumblr.com/monkeythefander/775921190434914305/cuddles-tattoos-and-hoodies-part-3-of-anxceit

[sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes]

What if Virgil dislikes Orange in a different way to the other dark sides

With Janus he hates him and will glare at him and make comments, with Remus he was grossed out by him but would still talk to and about him

What if Virgil refuses to even look at Orange

[savesavva]

in addition to that one post about janus's dolls

[we-all-horny-here]

This art has been in the making for years now, I've never managed to finish it before my artstyle evolved somehow, so it's been redrawn 3 times now Anygay, Bitter Choco Decoration is such a Roman song for me ngl

Alt version under the cut

Comms Ko-fi

[thermodynamic-comedian]

do you know what would be REALLY sick and twisted. if janus didn't actually understand why virgil left. if there was no big fight, no actual conflict, and he was just gone one day. if his only reason for leaving was that he just didn't want to be a dark side anymore, and janus woke up one day with one of his only friends in the entire world gone without a trace. and when he went out looking for him, he found him laughing and having fun with the very people the two of them had sworn to hate together. the very image of a family that janus had desperately tried to create for the dark sides on his own. he'd assume that he failed, somehow. that virgil left them for something better, which he technically did.

that sort of betrayal would build resentment through the years. the sort that rots your insides. meanwhile virgil, now convinced that the dark sides are evil and harming thomas, begins to hate his own past, and, by extension, janus. this sort of mutual bitterness only grows with their refusal to talk to each other.

but maybe, to this day, janus still doesn't understand why virgil left. i like the idea that if he was somehow forced to tell the truth, janus wouldn't have any confessions to make, only questions to ask. "why did you leave?" "was it my fault?" "why do you hate me?" "why don't i get a second chance?" "why is it always me?"

[firewolf111]

Thomas: Okay, guys. I need your help. How do I tell the viewers that I need to take a break?

Patton: You could just...tell them?

Roman: *laughs* Tell them? That's hilarious.

Janus: I do see what is so funny.

Roman: Do you really think they're going to care?

Patton: I don't see why they wouldn't.

Roman: Don't you get it? No one cares for the narrator, only the characters. The only thing the narrator is wanted for, is the plot. The creator is only worth their creation. They won’t care.

Virgil: Geez, and they say I'm the angsty one.

Logan: To be fair, Roman is right.

Virgil: *groaning* Not you too.

Logan: I'm simply stating the facts. Science faces a similar problem. We often care more for the theories than the scientists who worked to discover them, leading to the credit being given to the wrong person.

Virgil: Also misogyny.

Logan: That too. But the point stands, the person is rarely associated with the product unless given value by something else, say money for example. You'll learn more about Newton's laws than you will about how he discovered them. No one tends to care for the effort and years it can take.

Roman: Or the blood and tears.

Thomas: This has gotten...depressing.

Roman: *shrugs* No one cares for the maker. No matter what you do. Though...maybe you are popular enough for people to care about you.

The "not me" goes unsaid. And maybe it also goes unheard and unnoticed as well.

Logan: It's possible you've gained enough of a fan base to have worth outside of your content.

Virgil: Are you trying to give him an existential crisis?

Janus: *looking at Virgil* I'm starting to think we are the mentally stable ones. Perhaps even Remus might be higher on that list than we thought.

Virgil: ...yeah. You may have a point.

Thomas: I'm not even sure what's going on anymore. I just asked for a bit of advice.

Patton: ... do you guys need a hug?

Roman: I mean, yes, but as I was saying. It's less the creator and more the character that will have the empathy of the viewers. *He fights the urge to look at Virgil. He ignores the thought of Janus in the courtroom. He pretends he doesn't know the comments. He shoves the thought of Remus away. He pretends, because he is good at pretending. The thoughts can wait for his stories because he was a creator, not the character.*

Roman: *glances at Logan* Though I have to admit, maybe creators are a bit more fortunate than the scientists. At least they get credit for what they make. And at least their pain can get seen, even if it's associated with their characters instead of themselves.

Logan: *looks away* Maybe. Though scientists tend to be taken more seriously.

An understanding is reached between the two. An understanding forged by pain and longing, though an understanding nonetheless.

Roman: Either way, the creator is never the one to matter.

Thomas: ...I think I'll just make a community post.

Virgil: Good idea.

Janus: Sounds great.

Roman and Logan: ...

And the conversation won't be acknowledged after that, proving their point. No one will catch on, and no one will care. And isn't that the creator's curse? To bleed for a page and be expected to keep bleeding. For the blood to be complimented in color, but the danger of the ink to be ignored. To paint with poison, only to die unnoticed as the paintings are admired.

At least to be famous is to be known.

But to be a creator is to be nothing but a creator.

[micropoet]

Burned

Inspired by “The Line” by Twenty One Pilots. I might add more chapters to this later, so comment if you want to see more. Enjoy!

What if Virgil leaving the Dark Sides was a painful process in more ways than one? 

TW: Blindness, illness, burns, fighting, bad feelings lol

Ft. Mostly Virgil and Janus, but everyone else shows up for half a second.

Take a seat

But I'd rather you not be here for

What could be my final form

Stay your pretty eyes on course

Keep the memories of who I was before

So stay with me because

My body's on the line now

I can't fight this time now

I can feel the light shine on my face

Did I disappoint you?

Will they still let me over

If I cross the line?

---------------------------------

Virgil sunk back to the dark side with his eyes firmly closed. He opened them slowly, adjusting to the darkness in stages. He squinted out into the shadows, then fully opened his eyes. Virgil tried to pick out the shapes of his desk and his bed, and after a few minutes of tensely waiting Virgil could make out their outlines.

Out of habit, Virgil flicked his light switch on and off. He barely noticed the difference between the two. How long would it be before he couldn’t see anything on the Dark Side? 

A knock at the door interrupted the depressing thought. Virgil shuffled to his door and pulled it open. 

“Ah, so you are back,” Janus stated and shuffled into the room without waiting for an invitation. Virgil rolled his eyes and moved to close the door. He froze when something brushed his arm. 

He hadn’t seen anything there. What touched him? Did one of Remus’ creatures sneak its way into his room? Janus would have told him about that, right? But what if Janus couldn’t see it either? What if it was creeping around, waiting for one of them to drop their guard, then it could… 

A hand grabbed Virgil’s arm and he most definitely did not scream. 

“What’s wrong?” Janus asked. The hand was Janus’. 

“Something touched me! Is there…? I thought…?” 

“You’re not making sense, sweetheart.” 

Virgil felt Janus’ cold hands move to rest on either side of his face. 

“Oh dear! You’re burning up!” Janus exclaimed. A hand was moved to Virgil’s forehead. He sighed into the coolness, letting Janus’ cold blood suck away the excess body temperature. 

Janus tutted. “Come. Lay down. No, no whining. You need to lay down.”

With half-hearted grumbling, Virgil found himself being gently shoved into his bed. The covers felt cool and crisp against his fevered skin. He’d always been freezing cold, what was happening? 

“Here.” Janus stated. 

“Here, what?” 

“Tea.”

“... what?”

“Seriously? Can you not see the cup of tea that I’m holding six inches from your face?” Janus asked incredulously. 

“Whatever,” Virgil scoffed. He squinted in the darkness to see the edge of a cup and hesitantly reached out to grab it. 

“Virgil,” Janus’ voice was deadly serious. “Can you really not see the cup?” 

Virgil’s hand closed over the warm mug, but Janus refused to release his hold. 

“Answer me, Virgil.” 

“It’s not a big deal-

“Answer. Me.” 

Virgil paused. 

“Sweetheart…” Exasperation filled Janus’ tone. 

“Jan, you don’t need to worry about it.” Virgil started. 

“Worry about what? The fact that you can’t see something a foot in front of you? Or the fact that you’re lying to me?” 

“I’m not answering that question.” 

“Why?” Virgil didn’t reply. Janus finally let go of the mug. “Why won’t you listen to me on this? Why won’t you admit those Light Sides are bad for you?” 

Again, Virgil stayed silent. What could he say to resolve their months’ long debate? Staring at the near empty-blackness, Virgil couldn’t recall his usual defenses and justifications. Eventually, Janus sighed. He sounded so tired. Virgil heard him step away from the bed. The anxious side panicked at the sudden absence and the disappointment he was sure Janus had on his face. 

“I told them my name.” The words tumbled out of Virgil’s mouth before he could think about them. “We were filming and it just kind of… slipped out.” 

The silence in the room was heavy.

“I’ll let you rest, but we’re not done with this conversation. I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready.” Janus said simply. Virgil only knew Janus had left the room from the sound of the door clicking shut. 

The warm cup of tea felt like flames on his skin. Even the bed became unbearably hot. Virgil took off his hoodie, but kept it close, unwilling to lose it to the darkness around him. It was too hot to sleep, and too dark to do anything else, so Virgil simply lay there thinking of Janus’ threat to continue the conversation. 

Honestly, he’d been narrowly avoiding talking about the Light Sides for weeks. Janus hadn’t thought much of it when Virgil had first joined a video, but his opinion had quickly shifted when Virgil returned. The shift between the Light and Dark Sides wasn’t like walking through a door, it was a whole different environment. It was… well lighter, with the Light Sides. Brighter might be a better word as colors appeared more vibrant, smells more potent, every sense was amplified on their side. That, and the Light Side was unbearably hot, like standing on the surface of the sun. 

The first few times Virgil had returned from filming with debilitating migraines and shivering uncontrollably. Janus took care of him (and Remus promised not to use his jackhammer during those times, which was something) but Virgil could tell it weighed on him. It was around his third or fourth time going to the light sides when Janus broke down. He begged Virgil not to go back, to stay on the Dark Side where he was safe. 

Janus didn’t understand that it wasn’t up to Virgil anymore. There was an instinct driving him forward, pulling him back to the Light Side over and over again. Even when Virgil tried to resist the pull, he’d wind up back at the Light Sides, no matter how badly it hurt. 

But Virgil hadn’t been able to explain this, not in any kind of valuable way, and it had devolved into an argument. At least, until the migraines went away. At that point, Virgil reached sort of an equilibrium between the two sides. The fighting stopped and it was almost normal. Virgil would come home from filming and join one of Janus’ self-care days or watch Remus make questionable modern art. But of course Virgil wasn’t lucky enough for that to continue. 

He noticed the temperature changes first. He hadn’t noticed when it first became comfortable to be on the Light Side, but he had noticed when everything on the dark side started to feel colder. Even taking scalding hot showers couldn’t match with his apparently elevating body heat. That had been relatively easy to hide from Remus and Janus, not that they were continuing to point out what was wrong with going to the Light Sides. They assumed that he had figured out the balance between the sides. They didn’t think they’d have to deal with any weird illnesses again. And Virgil couldn’t take the disappointed stares, so he kept it to himself. The vision changes were much harder to hide. 

The dark side grew dimmer and dimmer at an alarming rate. At first, Virgil could rest in his room for a little while until his eyes adjusted to the darker area, then go on with his day. But as the light gradually disappeared from his home, Virgil was at a loss. He spent more time in his room, trying to hide the reality of the situation from his family, but that only brought accusations. 

Remus was the first to suggest that Virgil might prefer the light sides over his family. Virgil wasn’t sure if it was an intrusive thought or something Remus had actually been worried about. In the end it didn’t matter because Virgil could only dispel the suspicion once or twice before it set in. 

Virgil had to say no to so many of Remus’ “outings” that the creative side had stopped asking him altogether. Virgil could go days without seeing or hearing from Remus, which was a feat in itself. Janus, on the other hand, only grew more clingy. Nearly every conversation between the two was an interrogation or an argument. Janus wanted to know why Virgil was filming so many videos, why he spent so much time in his room, why he was so jumpy recently, why he didn’t do any of his normal activities. Why why why why. 

It never stopped. And while staring at the pitch-black space where his ceiling was supposed to be, Virgil nearly started to cry. It was hopeless, wasn’t it? If he hid what was happening to him, Remus and Janus thought he was avoiding them. If he showed them what was happening to him, they would demand he stop seeing the Light Sides and Virgil couldn’t just stop. So Virgil just resigned himself to waiting, taking the suspicion, and holding out until he got better. 

What if he didn’t get better? What if he spent the rest of his life trapped in darkness? What if he couldn’t see Janus or Remus again? What if the only burst of light he got was when he filmed a video. Could he live like that? If the heat kept building Virgil was sure he couldn’t. But would Janus keep taking care of him, even if Virgil couldn’t give him an honest answer? Janus would never abandon him. They’d been through a lot and fought a lot, but Janus was always there for him when it counted. But part of Virgil wondered if there was an end to Janus’ patience. 

“Oh Virgin~!” Remus called from outside the door. “Dinner’s ready! Hurry before I come up with something creative to do to your plate!” 

Virgil shook off the train of anxious thoughts and stood up. He traced the wall with the tips of his fingers, trying to lead himself back to the kitchen. As he struggled to find the doorknob, Virgil was struck by a horrifying thought that it may be getting darker. 

“It’s okay. You’re okay. Breathe. Breathe.” Virgil repeated. He closed his eyes. Strange, it was darker with his eyes closed, but only half as terrifying. His closed around the doorknob. With a sigh of relief, Virgil opened his eyes and pushed the door open. What greeted him was a black void. 

Virgil took in strained breaths. He was fine. Perfectly fine. He walked forward five steps and bumped into the small table they had in the hallway. No problem. Virgil turned to the left and walked forward. He found the wall with his fingers. He found the deep gouges where Remus had practiced with his morningstar. He was almost there. He was so close. 

Something cold and slick pressed into Virgil’s side. He froze, waiting for Remus’ cackling laughter. There was no laughter. Instead, the thing disappeared somewhere into the infinite blackness. Virgil shook. 

There was something there. Something that moved. And he couldn’t see it. It could be anything. It could be anywhere. Virgil hadn’t even heard it move. Was it still there? What was it waiting for? He couldn’t see ANYTHING.

Virgil dropped to the ground in a fetal position. Panic gripped his entire body. His eyes frantically scanned the surrounding area, to see nothing. Absolutely nothing. Virgil tensed and tucked his head defensively. 

The thing could be anywhere. It was waiting for him, Virgil knew it. The fear seeped like ice through his blood, freezing him in place. It was dark. It was so so dark. Anything could happen and Virgil couldn’t move and he was all alone in the dark and it was so hot his skin was melting and it wouldn’t stop it wasn’t stopping it will never-

“-gil. Virgil!”

Hands, too many hands, grabbed him out of the darkness. He couldn’t see where they started or where they ended. It was endless. Where were they taking him? 

“Virgil, please. Focus on me. Focus on my voice.”

“I can’t! It’s here. They’re everywhere. I-I….”

“It’s alright, sweetheart. It’s just me. It’s just Janus. You’re safe.”

“There was a-”

“Shhh, little one. Breathe with me.” 

Janus counted. His hands tapped out the rhythm. Virgil struggled to follow along, shaking through uneven breaths. Janus’ pattern stayed steady. Virgil looked instinctively for Janus’ hands, but couldn’t see anything. He couldn’t even see his own body. Virgil felt like he was floating in darkness, completely isolated in the pitch black. 

“Stay with me, sweetheart.” 

The hands squeezed Virgil, reminded him of his body. He whined. It was so hard to stay present. He screwed his eyes shut. 

“Just focus on my voice and relax.” 

And Virgil did, eventually. As Virgil’s breathing evened out, Janus drew him into his chest in a hug. Virgil caved into the familiar gesture easily, closing his eyes as Janus wrapped him in his arms. It was nearly impossible to be afraid when Janus held him like that. But as he calmed down further, Virgil realized that Janus was just waiting to start the interrogation. 

“Would you like to tell me what got you so worked up?” Janus questioned. His tone remained calm. 

“No,” Virgil answered. He kept his eyes firmly closed. 

“Will you open your eyes for me?” 

Virgil shook his head. 

“Why not?”

“It’s too dark,” Virgil muttered. 

“I would think it would be darker with your eyes closed, sweetheart.” Janus chuckled. One of his many hands brushed away Virgil’s bangs. Virgil flinched at the bitter cold. 

“Please open your eyes for me.” Janus’ tone was so soft and pleading that Virgil complied. He opened his eyes, facing the void.

“Dear, can you see me?” 

Virgil was already in shattered pieces on the floor, but somehow, that question broke him further. “It’s so dark,” Was all Virgil managed to say before bursting into sobs. Janus breathed in sharply, then tightened the hug. 

“Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry. It’ll be alright. You’re going to be okay.” 

The words were comforting, but Virgil could hear the waver in Janus’ voice. He was lying. 

“What’s wrong with emo?” Remus’ voice cut through the darkness. Virgil didn’t even bother attempting to answer. 

“He can’t see,” Janus answered for him. “The Lights did something to him.”

“Those mother-”

“It wasn’t them.” Virgil answered quickly. 

“You don’t need to defend them, Virgil.” 

“I’m not defending them. It’s the truth!” Virgil pulled away from the hug but kept a hand on Janus for stability.

“Oh, so your eyes just suddenly don’t work for no reason?” Janus retorted sarcastically. 

“Ooo! They could have imploded and be leaking blood into your brain right now!” 

“Not helpful, Remus.” 

 “I’m telling you, this has nothing to do with them. Use your mind reading thing if you have to, I’m NOT LYING.” Virgil repeated firmly. 

“Then what caused this? Because you could see this morning, you come back from the Light Side and you’re suddenly blind? What do you want me to believe?” 

“Me, Janus,” Virgil spat. “I want you to believe me.” 

“Then tell me what happened when you stayed late today, hm?” Janus’ voice was a near growl. 

“We were brainstorming for the next video. Nothing crazy.” “You mean the next video where they ridicule you?” Remus snapped. 

“They’re not really like that!”

“But they’d blind you?” 

“They didn’t do anything to me!” 

“Stop saying that!” 

“Then stop denying it!” 

“I’m not denying anything! It’s the truth!” Virgil’s heart thudded in his chest as he screamed. The heat in his body built like steam in a pressure cooker. The darkness surrounded and suffocated. 

Janus grabbed Virgil’s arm. Virgil lurched forward as Janus yanked him. He could feel the coldness of Janus’ breath on the side of his face. 

“If they’re so trustworthy, why don’t you stay with them instead?” 

The words burned white-hot. The hand on Virgil’s arm scalded his skin. Then suddenly, he could see. 

Brilliant light dispelled all darkness. In the stark white light Virgil could see Janus’ face in stunning clarity. Virgil could make out every line of anger and disgust. In that split second, Virgil met Janus’ eyes and saw a face of utter disappointment. 

As quick as the vision came, it vanished. 

Instead of returning to darkness, Virgil found himself in a bright hallway. Colorful paintings dotted the walls. To his left, Vigil could make out a blue, indigo, and a red door. In front of him, was a door painted dark purple. 

Virgil blinked, but the image stayed. 

His door. The Light Side. It didn’t make sense. 

“Oh, Heya kiddo!” 

Virgil’s head snapped to the side to see Patton walking towards him. Had Virgil lost his mind? This had to be a dream. 

“Did ya forget something? I’m an excellent finder, seeing how I have… four eyes.” Patton tapped his glasses, then laughed for an unwarranted amount of time. Definitely not a dream. 

“Anx- Virgil, what happened to your arm?” Patton asked, his face suddenly showing concern. 

Virgil looked towards his arm to see a handprint emblazoned in red. He prodded it and felt the burning sensation anew. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” 

Virgil was done with questions. People kept asking him questions when he had NO CLUE what was happening. 

“He- He wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t do this to me,” Virgil choked out. His voice shook, but no tears fell. He was spent, completely dried out. 

“Who wouldn’t, kiddo?” “I- I can’t- I’m supposed to-” “Shh, shh. It’s okay. We’re just gonna lie down in the living room for a minute, okay?” 

Virgil allowed himself to be led away from the vibrant hallway, to another vibrant hallway. The colors blurred into a kaleidoscope of useless visual information. He was sat on something soft. 

Warm arms wrapped around his torso. It felt wrong. Janus’ hugs were always cold. Awkwardly, Virgil was pat stiffly on the shoulder. Wrong. Remus was slimy or unsanitary, but never stiff. A third voice echoed in the room heroically declaring vengeance. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. 

Virgil forced his eyes shut, placed himself back in the darkness he was supposed to inhabit. But burned on the inside of his eyelids in blazing white was that look in Janus’ eyes. That fear and disappointment. 

He didn’t belong in the Light, but he could no longer go back to the dark. He’d reached too high, and, like Icarus, Virgil burned.