#janus sanders angst

[monkeythefander]

My Body’s Looking Wrong

Summary: Despite how Janus presents himself to Thomas, the other Sides, and the camera, the Deceitful Side feels uncomfortable in his skin. If his scales had always been there he probably wouldn’t mind them, but that’s not how his story went.

(The title of this fic is lyrics from the song “The Other Side of Paradise” by Glass Animals)

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Content Warning(s): Janus angst, partial nudity (Janus is in his boxers and examining his scales in the present, and shirtless briefly in the past), feeling uncomfortable with your body/skin (specifically Janus’ scales), wanting to/trying to pick at your skin with tweezers (specifically Janus’ scales), body freezing up/not being able to move, mention of Christianity/Christian beliefs, fighting and just saying upsetting things to others (Patton, Janus, and Virgil aren’t the nicest to each other at times throughout this fic), self-hatred/deprecation, crying. Let me know if I missed anything else.

Click below the cut to read the fanfic

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Despite how Janus presents himself to Thomas, the other Sides, and the camera, the Deceitful Side feels uncomfortable in his skin. Currently, Janus is standing in front of his bedroom mirror, wearing only his boxers. He just finished showering and was getting dressed, but got distracted by his reflection. Normally, Janus left his mirror covered or just avoided looking at his reflection. He even showered with the lights dimmed so he wouldn’t be able to see himself as clearly. This time though, he couldn’t help but give in to his self-deprecating desire to look at himself.

Janus knows he could be considered attractive with his long hair that he takes very good care of, as well as his pretty heterochromatic eyes. However, he knows his attractiveness is tainted by the scales covering the left side of his face and body. The scales on their own, with no awareness of their meaning/origin could be considered beautiful. Janus kept the ones of his face shiny because he couldn’t exactly hide them from sight easily. When sunlight hit his face, his scales would almost glitter in the light. All these positive descriptions of his scales mean nothing compared to why the scales exist in the first place though.

Janus had completely human skin once, just like the other Sides. It wasn’t until a young Thomas and Patton began to develop a strong sense of morality that the scales began to appear. The scales first appeared on Janus’ hands, and he immediately felt overwhelmed. His body was changing in ways he didn’t want, and the fact that he was getting scales meant something. It meant Thomas and Patton saw deceit as the snake, the Devil, the universe’ first deceiver. Janus refused to accept this information at first though. He started wearing gloves to cover the new scales and pretended he didn’t see the upset looks he got from Patton whenever the Deceitful Side got Thomas to lie about something. Surely Patton would eventually understand that Janus was just doing his job and trying to protect Thomas. Patton was his friend and Thomas was his human, so they wouldn’t just start hating Janus, right?

The Deceitful Side’s hopes were slowly crushed as more scales spread across the left side of his body and he got into frequent fights with Patton over Thomas. When the scales reached his face, Janus knew there was nothing he could do to get Patton and Thomas to like him. The Deceitful Side couldn’t easily hide his face, so as soon as Patton saw the scales he gasped in shock and fear. Logan was in the room at the time as well, but he just looked neutrally at the situation. Janus almost hoped Logan would be able to calm Patton down, but the Moral Side quickly began calling Janus all sorts of horrible names. Janus could still hear them playing in his head whenever he looked at his scales.

“Evil, Monster, Unwanted, Dangerous!”

Along with those horrible names, Patton proceeded to tell Janus to leave this side of the mindscape. The Deceitful Side clearly wasn’t meant to fit in with them and would only hurt Thomas with his devilish nature, so Janus fled.

Janus cried a lot during his time alone in the Dark Side of the mindscape. He didn’t remember much from that time due to all the sadness he felt. Eventually, he was joined by Remus and Virgil which was nice. Janus decided he’d protect his fellow Dark Sides from the hurtful Light Sides. Deceit kept Virgil and Remus away from the Light Side and made sure that Virgil and Remus didn’t try to help Thomas face to face. Everything was going fine until Virgil decided to introduce himself personally to Thomas, and then met the Light Sides. Whenever Virgil came back from hanging out with Thomas and the Light Sides, Janus would try to remind Virgil that the Dark Side was his true family. Patton, Logan, and Roman were only putting up with Virgil and didn’t like having him around.

All these harsh reminders resulted in Virgil ducking out, which Janus hated himself for causing. Deceit felt grateful for the Light Sides and Thomas when Virgil came back safely. Janus went to apologize when Virgil snapped at him. Anxiety let out all his anger at Janus and said he’d be leaving to stay with the Lights. Virgil had been accepted and now knew how much of an “evil, lier” Janus was. At least that’s what Janus remembered hearing Virgil say, as Deceit was kinda spacing out at points due to stress and the reminders this fight gave him of the fallout with Patton.

That night after Virgil left, Janus locked himself in his room and screamed into his pillow. Patton and Virgil were right, he was evil and hurting everyone he cared about. That’s why the scales were there. They represented everything wrong with him. Janus then found himself getting up from his bed and standing in front of his mirror. He took his shirt off and looked angrily at the scales covering his left side. He removed his gloves and looked at the scales on his left hand as well. He needed to get the scales off. Janus quickly walked into his bathroom, grabbed a pair of tweezers and went back to the mirror. He brought the tweezers to his left shoulder and began to try and pull a scale off when suddenly his entire body froze up. What was happening?! Why couldn’t he move?! He stood there panicking for a few minutes until he was able to move again and took some calming breaths. He probably just froze up because of nerves. It was fine. He went to pick a scale with the tweezers again and the same feeling overcame his body, freezing him in place for a few minutes.

Through his panic Janus recalled his function as self-preservation, and this freezing up suddenly made sense. As self-preservation, he was physically unable to physically harm himself. This realization made him scream in frustration and sadness, dropping to his knees on the floor. He finally accepted that he was evil, and he couldn’t even cure himself. He was doomed to be hated.

At least, hated by everyone but Remus. After that day, Remus was still sticking around. Janus thought Dark Creativity would just leave with Virgil, but Remus seemed determined to keep Janus company.

“Why would I want to join my brother and the other party-pooper Light Sides? You’re more fun Janny!” Remus said when Janus initially asked him why he stayed.

Janus considered asking Remus to pull the scales off for him. Deceit may not be able to harm himself, but he knew other Sides would be able to. However, despite Remus being a fan of gore, Janus knew the Intrusive Side didn’t like seriously harming those he cared about, and for whatever reason, Remus liked hanging out with Janus. So Deceit was stuck looking like a snake.

Janus tried to act confident in himself and happy around Remus despite his extreme self-hatred of his scales. Janus avoided looking at his reflection, showered in dim lighting, and wore outfits that would hide most of his scales. Things were fine, and then Janus came up with a new plan. He’d get Thomas to listen to him and Remus, and once they’re accepted not only will Thomas be happier and more comfortable with himself, Janus might finally be freed of his scales. If Thomas’ perspective of deceit changed, surely Janus’ snake attributes would disappear. Janus was a genius!

So the plan began, and Janus disguised himself as Patton and then Logan to get his voice heard. Thomas sadly ended up missing out on the callback, but the missed opportunity helped Thomas and Patton start to understand that selfishness is okay sometimes. And Thomas and Patton accepted Janus. Deceit was so happy after that conversation and returned to his room afterwards, hoping his scales would start disappearing. He began standing in front of his mirror everyday, checking to see if his scales have changed at all. After a month of checking daily, Janus gave up. His scales were still there. Janus may be accepted now, but Thomas clearly would always view deceit as devilish and evil. So Janus went back to avoiding his reflection and acting like he was perfectly fine around the other Sides.

And all this led to where he is now, standing in front of his mirror and looking angrily at his reflection. Why can’t he be good? Why is he the villain?! He just wants to protect Thomas. That’s all he wants in life. Janus then sinks to the floor on his knees and silently cries. He has time to grieve again. He’s not expected to hang out with the others until game night later. So he’ll just stay here and mourn the scale free version of himself that he can never be again.

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End Notes: Thanks for reading. I’ve had the angst headcanon that Janus hates his scales for a while now, so finally got around to writing something based on it. Janus might be out of character here, so sorry about that. Anyways, I hope the angst is good here.

-Monkey💜

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Link to this fic on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/64714393

[lil-toastie-boi]

Glitch

[Plain text: "Glitch" End plain text.]

(reblogs over likes!) (don't repost!) (click for better quality!)

[radioactive-yuri]

do you know what would be REALLY sick and twisted. if janus didn't actually understand why virgil left. if there was no big fight, no actual conflict, and he was just gone one day. if his only reason for leaving was that he just didn't want to be a dark side anymore, and janus woke up one day with one of his only friends in the entire world gone without a trace. and when he went out looking for him, he found him laughing and having fun with the very people the two of them had sworn to hate together. the very image of a family that janus had desperately tried to create for the dark sides on his own. he'd assume that he failed, somehow. that virgil left them for something better, which he technically did.

that sort of betrayal would build resentment through the years. the sort that rots your insides. meanwhile virgil, now convinced that the dark sides are evil and harming thomas, begins to hate his own past, and, by extension, janus. this sort of mutual bitterness only grows with their refusal to talk to each other.

but maybe, to this day, janus still doesn't understand why virgil left. i like the idea that if he was somehow forced to tell the truth, janus wouldn't have any confessions to make, only questions to ask. "why did you leave?" "was it my fault?" "why do you hate me?" "why don't i get a second chance?" "why is it always me?"

[tastic-in-its-finest]

:(

[v1kt0ry]

i didn't like how this comic turned out so i'm not going finish it but here's the whole thing !

[orbch]

My sasi animatics are usually just recaps of episodes but I had an idea that I aggroed on LOL so (ill explain the idea more vvv because im insane)

I don’t think that Logan would ever duck out as a result of the lack of acknowledgement he receives. I don’t think he would ever take HIMSELF out of the picture… but I don’t know… him taking the others out is an interesting idea. tehehehee..

I really liked the idea of Logan cutting all contact between Thomas and the others via restricting everyone to their rooms (even if I don’t really rhink something like this would canonically happen, still an interesting thought). And Virgil wants to help him, or stop him, or do anything about this, but seeing someone you are possibly the closest with being corrupted by someone you’ve distanced yourself from for so long kind of muddles what the right way to go about that would be.

So Thomas can feel himself falling into the steadfast work prioritization. And Remus, well Remus is no stranger to being hidden away from Thomas, so he wont let himself mourn the prematurely fleeting liberation. Roman, not used to being trapped in the confines of his own room, is quickly holed into an unbreakable maladaptive daydreaming state. Janus knows well and good what’s happening, it was inevitable, he just never expected such a direct approach from Logan. And Patton,, we know how Patton gets when stuck in his room too long :///

But with that all out of the way Logan and Thomas can finally start a new day and get working. yaayyy..!

[aidensm8]

Finally got the motivation to draw another part of Chapter 3. Logan is a mood.

[zibbyyss]

idk I find it unique how people say “oh it’s so weird to see Patton without glasses” or “it’s weird to see Remus without a mustache” which is reasonable cuz all of them have something hiding a part of their face. Both Patton and Logan have the glasses, Remus have the mustache, Janus has the half snake face, Virgil had the eyeshadow, all of them have something showing a different facial appearance except for Roman

[let-roman-bite-someone]

so you know how when the dark sides (mainly Janus) rise up/reveal themselves, the lighting gets significantly dimmer?

well, look at Logan's initial appearances

compared to his more recent appearances.

[monkeythefander]

Sanders Sides Angst Headcannons

@thatsthat24

CW: Angst headcannons for each of the sides

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• After Janus’ fake compliments in the courtroom, Roman has a hard time believing compliments from Thomas and the other sides.

• Back when Virgil still lived with the Dark Sides, Janus would make a cake for Virgil’s birthday every year that the two of them and the other Dark Sides could share. After Virgil left, Janus continued the tradition of baking a cake. However since Virgil’s gone Janus takes the cake to the anxious side’s old room and eats some of it by himself, leaving a bit in the room in case Virgil ever decides to come back.

• Remus has a sketch book full of drawings he and Roman made together before the mindscape became divided. Whenever Remus misses his brother he’ll look at the drawings.

• Since nobody likes to listen to him, Logan has a journal he writes all his thoughts in. The journal started off as a professional log of his days, but it’s slowly become more of diary since it’s basically his only companion.

• Patton has a closet full of boxes tissue boxes in his room because he lets out all the sad emotions he suppresses through tears when he’s alone.

A/N: I just wanted to note that if you like any of my headcannons and want to write a fanfic or make a drawing based on it you can do so as long as you credit me and tag me in the post so I can see it.

-Monkey💜

[part-time-zombie]

Ok so hear me out...

Janus shape-shifts and can accurately look like any of the other sides (technically so can the others, but janus does it the most)

Remus can conjure pretty much anything, even replicas of living people (again, roman can do this too, but remus does it more)

Do you think remus ever asked janus to look like roman for a little while so he can pretend he's with his brother?

Has janus ever asked remus to conjure a fake virgil so it feels like their former friend is still with them?

[firewolf111]

Thomas: Okay, guys. I need your help. How do I tell the viewers that I need to take a break?

Patton: You could just...tell them?

Roman: *laughs* Tell them? That's hilarious.

Janus: I do see what is so funny.

Roman: Do you really think they're going to care?

Patton: I don't see why they wouldn't.

Roman: Don't you get it? No one cares for the narrator, only the characters. The only thing the narrator is wanted for, is the plot. The creator is only worth their creation. They won’t care.

Virgil: Geez, and they say I'm the angsty one.

Logan: To be fair, Roman is right.

Virgil: *groaning* Not you too.

Logan: I'm simply stating the facts. Science faces a similar problem. We often care more for the theories than the scientists who worked to discover them, leading to the credit being given to the wrong person.

Virgil: Also misogyny.

Logan: That too. But the point stands, the person is rarely associated with the product unless given value by something else, say money for example. You'll learn more about Newton's laws than you will about how he discovered them. No one tends to care for the effort and years it can take.

Roman: Or the blood and tears.

Thomas: This has gotten...depressing.

Roman: *shrugs* No one cares for the maker. No matter what you do. Though...maybe you are popular enough for people to care about you.

The "not me" goes unsaid. And maybe it also goes unheard and unnoticed as well.

Logan: It's possible you've gained enough of a fan base to have worth outside of your content.

Virgil: Are you trying to give him an existential crisis?

Janus: *looking at Virgil* I'm starting to think we are the mentally stable ones. Perhaps even Remus might be higher on that list than we thought.

Virgil: ...yeah. You may have a point.

Thomas: I'm not even sure what's going on anymore. I just asked for a bit of advice.

Patton: ... do you guys need a hug?

Roman: I mean, yes, but as I was saying. It's less the creator and more the character that will have the empathy of the viewers. *He fights the urge to look at Virgil. He ignores the thought of Janus in the courtroom. He pretends he doesn't know the comments. He shoves the thought of Remus away. He pretends, because he is good at pretending. The thoughts can wait for his stories because he was a creator, not the character.*

Roman: *glances at Logan* Though I have to admit, maybe creators are a bit more fortunate than the scientists. At least they get credit for what they make. And at least their pain can get seen, even if it's associated with their characters instead of themselves.

Logan: *looks away* Maybe. Though scientists tend to be taken more seriously.

An understanding is reached between the two. An understanding forged by pain and longing, though an understanding nonetheless.

Roman: Either way, the creator is never the one to matter.

Thomas: ...I think I'll just make a community post.

Virgil: Good idea.

Janus: Sounds great.

Roman and Logan: ...

And the conversation won't be acknowledged after that, proving their point. No one will catch on, and no one will care. And isn't that the creator's curse? To bleed for a page and be expected to keep bleeding. For the blood to be complimented in color, but the danger of the ink to be ignored. To paint with poison, only to die unnoticed as the paintings are admired.

At least to be famous is to be known.

But to be a creator is to be nothing but a creator.

[radioactive-yuri]

thinking abt that christmas special again. janus showing up already completely drunk is so. like. okay imagine you're being forced to go to an event you see no point in with people you know hate you, people who have consistently hated you for several decades, including someone you used to have a genuine connection with before they essentially abandoned you in favor of being accepted by the aforementioned people that hate you. all of that, and you have to face the man who's the literal reason for your existence, your one purpose in life, the reason you do everything you do, the person you're trying to protect above all else. and he hates you too. or at least he did, up until very, very recently, when he suddenly started validating your existence, most definitely leading to a lot of unresolved and pent up feelings being released all at once.

like yeah no i genuinely do not think she would've been able to handle that entire situation without some alcohol.

[sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes]

What if Virgil dislikes Orange in a different way to the other dark sides

With Janus he hates him and will glare at him and make comments, with Remus he was grossed out by him but would still talk to and about him

What if Virgil refuses to even look at Orange

[v1kt0ry]

more anxceit </3

—

GIF VER.

[savesavva]

in addition to that one post about janus's dolls