#it’s having someone i live with that i struggle to communicate with efficiently despite my love for them

[pwurrz]

*looks at all the similarities between me and kaveh*

*slowly adds him to my kin list*

[lizeng]

Mistakes I made and lessons I learned as a founder

Recently, I've been reading a lot on Startup School from Y Combinator and realized that the biggest mistake I made in building something was starting with an idea (a solution), rather than a problem.

Since 2016, I've undertaken three major projects with the goal of turning them into full-time companies, but none of them succeeded. Despite sticking with each project for at least a year and learning a great deal in the process, I made the most common mistake that many creatives make when starting something: beginning with an idea instead of identifying a problem that people face. Even with more experience in building scalable digital products, I still tend to start with an idea in my most recent project at FunKudo.

FunKudo

When my engineer friend asked me to build something, we started brainstorming to come up with startup ideas. I was inspired by a product I saw on Indie Hackers, as well as my past experience creating visual cards for co-workers. Almost immediately, I decided to work on this idea and mocked up the interaction flow for FunKudo. One friend commented on how impressive it was that I landed on this idea so quickly, but also found it somewhat alarming.

However, the biggest struggle I faced later was that I didn't know what exact problem I was solving or what audience I was targeting. Even when I joined an accelerator program, my elevator pitch didn't start with a problem I was solving, but with a vision/opportunity I saw. This is a mistake and I should have focused on falling in love with a problem instead. These problems can naturally arise from past experiences or from a space where co-founders are already familiar.

Another lesson I learned is the importance of finding co-founders to bounce ideas off of, especially those with different backgrounds and skill sets. From FunKudo, I realized that I have limited knowledge of GTM, sales, and growth. While I'm comfortable building and testing the product, I need someone in sales and marketing to take care of the selling side of the business. Of course, I hope to learn new skills along the way, but it will be more efficient to allow co-founders who are experts in their field to do their magic. I also need to conduct research by talking to founders in this space, as well as potential users who may be interested in the product.

Peach Plum Lab

I founded Peach Plum Lab in January 2019, which continued until almost August 2020. During that time, I was also working at another company, a community building platform for creators and entrepreneurs. I was inspired by the work of marketers and solo entrepreneurs such as Amy Porterfield's Online Marketing Made Easy, Steve Chou's My Wife Quit Her Job, and Daniel Leslie's Course from Scratch. I learned how these individuals started their journeys and built successful businesses from the ground up. I thought that building an audience through a podcast would allow me to promote any courses, products, and future ventures to that group.

At the time, I was extremely passionate about the educational space and, combining that with my work at Little Launchers, I believed that kid entrepreneurship was the way to go. So, while still working full-time, I started a weekly podcast and interviewed parents, educators, and kid creators. I also connected with several founders who were dedicated to the kid entrepreneur space. It required a lot of persistence and hard work to produce a weekly podcast, but I learned a lot. However, even after more than 50 episodes, when I was ready to launch a live course with Ashly So, a young fashion designer, my podcast had no impact on course sales. The only three students I had were friends' kids and their friends. I was discouraged and realized how difficult it is to build a business that's not scalable and relies on content creation.

The biggest lesson I learned from this experience is that creating a routine of posting on social media or publishing a podcast/video doesn't guarantee an audience or conversion to customers. If there's no customer base or traction to the channel, it can also be a waste of effort.

Little Launchers

In 2016, my friend Erica and I started a project to develop a series of books. We spent more than 6 months interviewing entrepreneur kids and running a Kickstarter campaign to raise $20K. The campaign was successful, as we reached our fundraising goal.

Working with Erica, who is an amazing marketer, writer, and business person, was a great learning experience. We complemented each other's skill sets well. However, I also learned that a niche market can limit the growth of a product or service. Entrepreneurship education is not mainstream for today's kids, and it was more of a passion project for Erica and me. Many parents were not aware of this space, and it was not a real problem they or their kids faced. Although kid entrepreneurs and authors value this type of content, parents would not typically search for entrepreneurship solutions for their children. Despite this, we saw an interesting opportunity and pursued it.

Overall, my biggest mistake throughout all my projects was starting with an idea instead of identifying a problem that people face. Additionally, finding co-founders with diverse backgrounds and skill sets is crucial. If I were to start a new venture, I would first focus on finding the right co-founder and then identify a real problem that I am passionate about solving. The rest will follow, and I know there are many paths to success. Through trial and error, the way forward will eventually become clear.

[highsviolets]

INTERVIEW NO. 1: RACHEL @djarinsbeskar

hello hello! i am so happy to announce that rachel — aka the immense talent that is @djarinsbeskar — has agreed to be my first interviewee for this new series! thank you to rach and to each one of you for all of your support. to read more about the project, click here, and to submit an author, click here.

| why rachel? |

Rachel captured my imagination from the first time we interacted as mutuals-in-law. She’s bursting with energy and vivaciousness, with a current of kindness just underneath everything she does. Her work is no exception. Oftentimes gritty, raw, and exposing (in … ahem…more ways than one), Rachel challenges her readers to dig deeper into both the story and themselves. Her smut brings a particular fire as it’s laced with need, desire, and mutual trust that leads us deeper into the characters’ identities and how physical affection can mimic other forms of intimacy. She’s a tour de force in this fandom and an absolute joy.

| known for |

Engaging with and encouraging other authors, cultivating inspo posts, attention to world building & character development

| my favorites |

Stitches

Boxer!Din

Full Masterlist • Ko-Fi

| q & a |

When did you start writing? What was that project, and what was it like? Has that feeling or process ever changed over time? Why?

I can’t remember a time I wasn’t writing. I was an avid reader, as I think most writers are—and I remember, after picking up Lord of the Rings—that I could live so many lives, experience so many things, all from the pages of a book. I could make sense of the world through words and ink and paper. And it offered me a level of peace and clarity I wanted to share with others. So, I started writing.

My first project I remember to this day, was a short story about a dog. I had been so heartbroken when I learned that dogs were colourblind. I must have been about seven or eight at the time, and I was fixated on this idea that dogs couldn’t see the vibrant hues that made the world beautiful. It was something I wanted to change—and with all the righteous anger of a child not getting their own way, I sulked over the fact that I couldn’t. Until I wrote it down.

“How do dogs see colour?”

And much like my writing today, I answered myself.

“Dogs don’t need to see colour. Dogs smell colour.”

And so, I wrote a story, about a puppy being brought on different walks by its owner. And with every new street it walked down—colour bloomed with scent. Colours more beautiful and vibrant than we could ever hope to see with our eyes. And it gave me solace and helped me work through an emotion that – granted was immature and inconsequential – had affected me. To this day, I still smile seeing dogs sniffing at everything they pass on their walks. Smelling colour. It gave me the key to my favourite thing in life. I don’t think my process has changed much since then. Much of what I write is based on a skeleton plan, but I leave room for characters to speak and feel as they need to. I like to know the starting point and destination of a chapter—but how they get there, that still falls to instinct. I think I’ve found a happy medium of strict planning and winging it that suits me now—and hopefully it will continue to improve over time!

When did you start posting your writing, and on what platform? What gave you the push to do that?

I mean, fanfiction has always been part of my life. I think anyone who was growing up in the late 2000’s and early 2010’s found their way to fanfiction.net at some time or other. The wild west compared to what we have now! My first post was for the Lord of the Rings fandom on fanfiction.net. It was an anthology of the story told through the eyes of the steeds. Bill the Pony, Shadowfax—it was all very innocent. That was probably in 2010 when I was fifteen. I had been wanting to share writing for a long time but was worried about how it would be received. I didn’t really have a gauge on my level or my creativity and – one of the many flaws of someone with crippling perfectionism – I only ever wanted to provide perfection. That was a major inhibitor when I was younger. By wanting it to be perfect, I never posted anything. Until that stupidly cute LOTR fic. It was freeing to write something that no one but me had any interest in, because if I was writing for myself then there was no one to disappoint, right? And that was all it took. I had some pauses over the years between college and life and such, but I’ve never lost that mindset when it comes to posting.

What your favorite work of yours that you have ever written? Why is it your favorite? What is more important to you when considering your own stories for your own enjoyment — characters? fandom? spice? emotional development? the work you’ve put into it? Is that different than what you enjoy reading most in other people’s fics?

I don’t think it’ll come as much of a surprise when I say Stitches. While not original, I mean—it follows the plot of the Mandalorian quite diligently, it is the piece of work I really hold very close to my heart. Din Djarin as a character is what got me back into writing after what must have been five years? He inspired something. His manner, his personality—he resonated with me as a person in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. And gave me back a creative outlet I had been missing.

It’s funny to say out loud—but I wanted to give him something? I spent so long thinking about his character that half my brain felt like it belonged to him—how he reacted and responded to things etc. and of course, like every dreamy Pisces—I wanted to give him love and happiness. So, Stitches came along. Personally, when writing—it’s a combination of characters, emotional development and spice (I can’t help myself) and when we can follow that development. With Stitches, it’s definitely the spice that is the conduit for development—but I adore showing how the physical can help people who struggle to communicate emotions too complex for words.

I don’t usually read for Din, as most people know—but I do enjoy reading the type of work that Stitches is. Human, damaged—but still with an undercurrent of hope that makes me think of children’s books.

You said, “much like writing today, I answered myself.” Could you talk about that in relation to Stitches?

So, I’m endlessly curious, it has to be said. Especially about why people are the way they are. Why people do A instead of B. Why X person’s immediate thought went to this place instead of that place. And I’m rarely satisfied with superficial explanations. One of the most exciting parts of writing and fanfiction especially, is making sense of that why. There can be countless explanations, some that are content with what is seen on the surface and some that go deep and some that go even deeper still.

Stitches is almost a – very long winded and much too long – answer to the questions I was so intrigued by about Din Djarin, about the Mandalorian and about the Star Wars universe as a whole. I often wondered what happened to people after the Rebellion, the normal people who fought—the people in the background. What did they do next? Did some of them suffer from PTSD? What was the galaxy like right after the Empire fell? That first season of the Mandalorian answered some of those questions, but I wanted to know more. So, I created a reader insert who was a combat medic—and through her, I let myself answer the questions of what happened next.

Regarding Din as a character, I wanted to know what a bounty hunter with a code of honour would do in certain situations—what made him tick, what made hm vulnerable. I wanted to explore the discovery of his identity. Din Djarin didn’t exist after he was taken from Aq Vetina. He became a cog in a very efficient machine of Mandalorians—and it was safe there. I wanted to see what – or who – might encourage him to step into his own. Grogu was that person in a familial sense, but what about romantically? What about individually? There’s so much to explore with this man! So many facets of personality and nuances of character that make him so gorgeous to write and think about.

Talk to me about the Din Djarin Athletic Universe. How does Din as all of these forms of athlete play off who you see him as in canon?

The Athletic Universe! How I adore my athletes. Despite being in a modern setting, I have kept the core of Din’s character in each of them (at least I hope I have!). I like to divide Din’s character into three phases when it comes to canon because he’s not as immovable as people seem to think he is. We discussed this before, how I see Din as a water element—adaptable, but strong enough that he can be as steadfast as rock. But I digress, the first phase is the character we see in the first episode. Basically, before Grogu. There’s an aggressive brutality to Din when we see him bounty hunting. He works on autopilot and isn’t swayed by sob stories or promises. He has the covert but is ultimately separate. Those soft feelings he comes to recognise when he has Grogu are dormant – not non-existent – but they haven’t been nurtured or encouraged. This is the point I extracted Boxer!Din’s personality and story from.

Cyclist!Din on the other hand—is already a father, a biological father to Grogu. And his personality, I took from that moment in the finale of Season two where I believe Din’s transformative arc of character solidified. He was always a father to Grogu, but I do believe that moment where he removes his helmet is the moment, he accepts that role fully in his heart and mind. And that is why I don’t believe for a second, that removing his helmet was him breaking his Creed. In fact, I believe it was the purest act he could do in devotion to his Creed—to his foundling, to his son. The Cyclist!AU is very much the character I see canon Din having should Grogu have stayed with him. This single dad who isn’t quite sure how he got to where he is now—but does anything and everything for his child without thought. It’s a natural instinct for him, and I like exploring those possibilities with Cyclist!Din.

You also said, “he has the covert but is ultimately separate.” What does it take for him — and you — to get to that point of being ‘not separate?’

I mentioned this above, but one of the biggest interests I have in Din as a character is his identity. He’s a Mandalorian, he’s a bounty hunter, he’s the child’s guardian but those are all what he is, not who. I think Din is separate while being part of the covert because he doesn’t know. I don’t think anyone can really be part of something if they don’t know who they are or, they struggle with their identity. It’s curious to me—how you can deceive even yourself to mimic the standard set for the many. In the boxer verse, he identifies himself in relation to his boxing—and every part of his outward personality exhibits those qualities. But when he’s given a softer touch—an outlet of affection, and comfort—we see the softer side of him surface. It’s very much the same with Stitches Din. Identity is like anything, emotions—relationships, bodies. It needs nurturing to thrive, an open door—a safe space. At least, that’s what goes through my mind when I think of him.

Who is your favorite character to read?

Frankie because there are so many ways his character can be interpreted and there are some stellar versions of him that I think of at least once a day. Javi because he reminds me of kintsugi-- golden recovery, broken pottery where the cracks are highlighted with gold. I also adore reading for Boba Fett, Paz Viszla and the clones!

Is there anything else you want your readers to know about you, your writing, or your creative process?

Hmm... only that I am quite literally a gremlin clown who is always here to chat Din, Star Wars, literature, book recs and anything else under the sun! I like to hear people's stories, their opinions etc. it helps me see things from alternative points of view and can truly help the writing process! Other than that, I think I can only thank readers for putting up with my ridiculously long chapters and rambling introspection. Thank you for indulging me always! ❤️

[iguanalysis]

Clifford The Big Red Dog and the Natural Interpretant.

Clifford the big red dog as a puppy is an object of castration, not because he exists to begin with as a red dog who is separated from his genetic family, but because the cars on the road which almost run him over don't acknowledge what he is.

Emily, the main protagonist, a young red-headed girl, gets called “Food stamp” at school because she is not from a wealthy family, and as a result, she takes the good of society more seriously, but doesn't understand how to be understood as someone who is doing so. She finds Clifford in her backpack one evening, after visiting an animal tent run by an eccentric Englishman, Bridwell, who hangs out in the park a lot (which is where he first picked up the red dog). Overnight, Clifford grows into an enormous red puppy dog, only to be discovered in the morning by Emily.

This discovery is shared with her young gay uncle Casey, who lives in an illicitly parked trailer-like structure, and is a very goofy loser type of guy, who also lives in utter poverty and disarray despite his up-beat disposition.

Then the owner of a bioengineering company named Lyfegro, Tieran, which is trying to make money by genetically engineering livestock that are larger than normal in order to feed more people more efficiently, catches wind of the giant red puppy dog’s antics at a park in Upper Manhattan. Tieran schemes to fool the public into believing that Clifford is originally the property of Lyfegro, presumably so that his staff of engineers can appropriate the dog's genetics in order to learn more about engineering larger animals for his company's profit.

The moral conundrum presented by the struggle to save Clifford from the geneticists at Lyfegro is therefore the allocation of public versus private knowledge.

In all honesty, I was hoping for a movie that more simply “hangs out” with the goofy-looking big red dog at first, but it wraps up very quickly and nicely, to be fair. There could have been more about Clifford's family and whatnot, but the story is lighthearted, stays focused on something else, and ends up becoming somewhat unique. The symbolism of the big red dog is so innocent and clarifying at the same time: for example, the way that the valuation of communal knowledge as the collective hope of poverty, culture, and childhood might just get shipped off to China, instead of having a fair chance to function in the New York City community. I wonder about the uncanny comparisons to my own life story as well, but I won't go into it here.

This phenomenon of the biological miracle of Clifford's color and size brings me to my elaboration of a natural interpretant. The fundamental tension of the plot is derived from the referent of its central enigma, that of the ultimate purpose of Clifford's genetic phenotype. The “social” interpretant is the one I would attribute to that of Charles Sanders Pierce, and to the pivoting action of a “sème”, one which is determined by isotopy. A natural interpretant is one which determines the course of an organism’s genetic expression through senescence, and the interactions with its surrounding environment. The ideal of the young girl Emily is to keep this natural interpretant of Clifford's bizarre existence free to act however it might or may prefer to function. The conflicting ideal of Tieran and of his company Lyfegro is to appropriate the social interpretant for its own agency, and make Clifford's existence about something completely different from the purely genetic intentions which nature allows Clifford's organism to exert on a non-social or individual behalf.

For this, I would like to emphasize the castrational symbolization called castration–frustration. The natural interpretant I just described is the “real object”, which forms an imaginary relation with the real father, in this case, Clifford's big red dog body/existence. Clifford's existence for Emily forms the moment of castration whereby her imaginary object, Clifford's organic freedom, which represents both her dream for her community as well as for her own humanity, can be allocated into his (biological) agency.

Thus, the real father once more is the utmost touchstone of reality itself. This is not a scientific or philosophical movie, I would also like to point out, because it lacks the anti-Oedipal agents (imaginary mother, symbolic father, real mother) who are involved at the level of “memories”, or inscriptions. Hence, its light-hearted and uplifting nature.

— (5/7/2022)

[gladerscake]

YOU’VE GOT THIS

(TMR: Gally, Chuck)

I’ve decided to repost my long-lost oneshot about Gally teaching Chuck to carve, because it’s one of my favorite glade HCs.

The Glade was an intimidating place to find yourself in. Surrounded by giant impenetrable concrete walls covered in ivy, doors that boomed to a close every night to shield their living space from the monsters that lurked in the Maze. Grievers, they called them. Of course, nobody but the Runners knew what was really out there. Maybe it was for the best - most of the boys seemed comfortable adopting the “know less - sleep better” policy. The Builders, the Track-Hoes, the Medjacks, the Cooks - ever single person did their part to make it a livable place to be, to build a community. And it worked - life inside the walls was a relatively peaceful one. But with no memories of who you were, where you came from, or why any of this was happening, one couldn’t help but feel frightened and anxious. Even more so when you’re the Greenie. Even more so when you’re the youngest one yet.

Chuck aimlessly wandered around the Glade, hands stuffed into his pockets as he tried incessantly to find himself something to do. He’s only been there a couple of days, still not knowing what his place would be, not knowing half the boys’ names or who they were.

Some were harder to miss than others, though.

Gally was a good example of that.

Keeper of the Builders. At over 6 feet tall, broad shoulders, an imposing, dominating presence - it was impossible not to notice him. Despite his intimidating appearance, he wasn’t a bad guy. He just liked things to be in order and got frustrated with people shucking up the simplest of tasks. Not a bad quality for a guy in charge, Chuck thought to himself. He was strong as hell, too. Chuck got to witness Gally wrestle in the Circle on his first bonfire night. Wipe the ground with every poor shank who dared challenge him. It was impressive. Maybe one day he could be strong like that too…

“Can I help you?”

Chuck was efficiently snapped out of his musings as his head turned in the direction of the voice.

Gally was seated on a log, looking up at him, one of his uniquely-shaped eyebrows arched in slight amusement as a knife danced in between his nimble fingers.

The younger boy awkwardly shifted his weight between his feet. Deep in his thoughts, he must’ve lost all sense of direction if he’s wound up near Gally’s work station.

“Lost, Greenie?”

Chuck shrugged, eyes timidly glued to the ground

“No, I’m just…” he paused, gesturing vaguely “Walking around.”

Gally gave a short nod, not bothering to ask any more questions as he returned to his work.

Chuck watched as he proceeded to carve something out of a piece of wood in his hands. He couldn’t help but stare at the way his knife worked so effortlessly against the rough texture as it gradually gained form and turned into something useful.

“What are you doing?”

Gally glanced up at him “Making a handle.”

“A handle for what?”

The builder huffed to himself “For a thing that needs a handle, I don’t know, Fry asked me to make one.”

Chuck fidgeted for a moment, gathering up the courage before asking

“Can I… Can I try making something too?”

The older boy looked up once again, more intently this time, his piercing green gaze tinging with slight skepticism

“You wanna learn to carve wood? Why? No offense Greenie, but I don’t think the Builders are the place for you.”

Chuck knew, of course. The job required a certain amount of physical strength that he simply didn’t have.

“No, it’s not that, I just… I don’t know, forget it, I’m sorry.”

Gally watched as Chuck turned to leave. A part of him couldn’t help but feel bad for the kid. He didn’t know why the Creators kept sending up people every month. He didn’t know what the selection process was, if such a thing even existed. But to send up a child? That was cruel, even for them. Every Greenie was a confused frightened mess, every month, it was a pattern everyone had gotten used to by now. But none of them were ever this young and innocent and…

“Hey.”

Chuck stopped dead in his tracks at the sound of Gally’s deep voice behind him. He slowly turned back around.

“Yeah?”

Gally gestured for him to come closer, taking a second knife out of his tool belt and nodding towards the spot next to him.

A relieved smile lit up the younger boy’s face as he scurried over and settled down on the log.

Gally reached somewhere behind him and handed over a smaller piece of wood before passing the knife as well.

“Here. You have the tool, you have the time. Knock yourself out.”

Chuck scratched the back of his neck, fumbling the piece of wood in his hand in confusion

“…What do I make?”

Gally let out a light-hearted sigh, looking over to him

“A spoon. Make a spoon.”

“But we have spoons…”

Gally’s unfaltering gaze effectively stopped him from questioning it any further.

For a few minutes Chuck fiddled with the knife as he attempted to mimic earlier movements of the Keeper’s skilled hands, clumsily carving some bits off of the wooden piece. Gally wasn’t making it obvious that he was watching his struggle. He kept glancing at the boy every now and then until he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Do you wanna go to sleep with those fingers?”

“Huh?” Chuck looked up in alarm, halting all action.

“Never cut towards yourself and get a better grip on the knife. Like this.” He reached over, adjusting the boy’s smaller fingers around the handle.

They spent the next half hour like this. Chuck doing everything wrong, Gally fixing his mistakes while doing his best to teach him without getting agitated. He was pleasantly surprised to find that Chuck was a relatively fast learner. He listened to his instructions and his movements were getting steadier, more confident. At the end of it all, Chuck was holding a roughly-carved, but very passable wooden spoon.

“Well look at that. That’s not half bad, Greenie.” A light half-smile crossed the Keeper’s features as he looked over the handy work.

Chuck’s smile was brighter than he could remember it being. Granted, he’d only been there a couple of days, but even so. It was genuine. It was pure. He made something! It wasn’t easy, but he did it, and he enjoyed it, too! It wasn’t much, but it was a start. With time, with practice, he was sure he could get better. Maybe even make something of his own…

“Thanks, Gally.”

He reached over to return the knife but Gally shook his head, holding a hand up.

“Nah, keep it. You just might have a knack for this.”

Chuck paused for a moment, unsure of whether or not he should really keep it. But after a subtle nod from the Keeper he smiled once again, quickly hiding the knife in his pocket.

He was grateful. He wasn’t expecting the toughest guy in the Glade to spend a half hour teaching him to carve wood. But for the first time since his arrival, he felt weirdly peaceful. He felt… good.

Chuck sprang up from the log, twirling the spoon between his fingers, already eager to show it to someone.

“Awesome! Really… Thank you.”

Gally merely chuckled at the boy’s excited state.

“No problem.”

He paused, eyeing the smallest glader with what could only be described as reassurance “You’ll be okay, newbie. You’ve got this.”

Chuck beamed, giving a firm nod before hurrying away to show his creation to Alby. Or Newt, or anyone!

Gally watched him run off in the direction of the Homestead, a small sympathetic smile etching the corner of his mouth.

“You’ll be okay…”

Thank you for reading!

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[eroticcannibal]

Common myths and misconceptions about home education

So in case anyone has somehow missed it, I have recently become a Big supporter of home education in a very lefty way, which has meant I have had to challenge a lot of views I have previously held about home education and that I know a lot of other lefties hold too. I am of the opinion that embracing home education, not as a last resort, but as the primary form of education for as many children as possible, is a vital part of achieving the required shifts in society needed to meet the goals of most leftists. So I am taking it on myself to convince you all that it is a very good thing, and also to clear up some misconceptions people have about home education that may make them feel they are unable to do it.

(A note, I am from the UK and shall be using UK terminology and specifics regarding law, policy and other such things will be from a UK perspective. I shall be using the term home education, as that is the legal term in the UK and is distinct from home schooling, which is the term for what school children have been doing during the pandemic.)

And I would also like to extend a quick thanks to Education Otherwise and the mods at Home education and your local authority for teaching me A LOT.

Have any questions about anything I’ve not covered here? Just let me know!

1. “Home education is illegal.”

- Sadly, home education is illegal or restricted to the point of inaccessibility in most of the world. From the research I have done, it seems that only the US and the UK have reasonable laws around home education (if I am using a very broad definition of reasonable, it is still not great). I do hope I can change this section soon, and I would *heavily* encourage people to campaign for the right to home educate post pandemic, perhaps cite any benefits learning at home has provided to children, perhaps???

2. “Home education is a tool used by religious fundamentalists to brainwash children!”

- This is a view many hold, and for good reason. For many of us, when we think of home education, we think of christian fundamentalists in the deep south of America, pulling their children out of school to avoid the liberal agenda. The truth is, anything can be used as a tool of indoctrination. This can happen in home education, and it can happen and has happened in schools too. In my own communities we have had instances of schools being a site of religious radicalization of children. The reality is this is far too complex and deep an issue to be solved by deeming any particular form of education as “bad”. I am not an expert on how best to deal with such issues, but I do feel that things like outreach and building a healthy community with otherwise more isolated religious groups would be a better way to address these issues.

3. “You need to have x qualification to home educate.”

- Again, a reasonable view to hold, given that state run and private education does require educators to hold certain qualifications, but in practice it quickly becomes evident the same does not necessarily have to apply with home education. Educational qualifications are very much focused on delivering an education in a classroom, which is a far cry from home education. During our home education of our child, my partner, who is a qualified SEN TA, has struggled far more than I have with educating our SEN child, despite the fact I hold no qualifications.

We live in amazing times when it comes to education. There are many things that parents and communities have to teach a child, and there are many things a child can teach to themself if given the tools to do so. You can even learn together! Their are endless resources available, books and games and documentaries, and even home education groups and private tutors if you feel that is the right fit for your child. You don’t need a piece of paper for your child to spend a day with their nose buried in a book, or to help the neighbor with his vegetable patch, or to cuddle up on the sofa while watching Planet Earth.

4. “You are required to follow the national curriculum.”

- This does vary by country (that allows home education). As a general rule, the stricter a country is about who can home educate, the stricter they are about what must be taught. In the UK, you are not required to follow the national curriculum. Education must be “efficient” and suited to the child’s “age, aptitude and ability”, and LAs do require that english and maths are covered. Other than that, you are allowed to tailor the content of education to the child and their interests. We have recently dropped geography for now and are only just picking up history again. It has also given us the freedom to focus on areas our child needs that would not be covered in mainstream education, such as anxiety management, trauma processing, self care and hygiene.

5. “Home education looks like school/is just filling out workbooks/etc”

- The thing you will always hear from experienced home educators when you begin home education is “home education doesn’t need to be school at home”. Much like you can tailor the content of the learning to the child, you can also tailor the delivery to the child. Some child need structure, timetable, instructions. Some need freedom and to bounce between topics. Some need to have an hour learning maths and only maths, some need to go dig up your garden “for science”. Some want to learn every day, some will need extended breaks.

Learning happens all the time, from the moment they wake to the moment they sleep. As an example, at home we have some workbooks, as both me and my child have ADHD and need someone to go “ok learn this” rather than us having to work out for ourselves what we need to cover for core subjects like english and maths. For the rest of most days my child is left to their own devices to binge youtube and netflix and work on their art. We try and go for a woodland walk every few days, where we have Deep Discussions about all kinds of topics, and we are also working on growing edible plants and baking cakes from around the world. We are more hands-off at the moment, due to the current bout of anxiety, but when that settles again we will get back to history themed crafts and STEM activities. Post-pandemic, we will be signing our kid up for swimming classes and “after school” clubs, and looking at sending them down to my mum for the home ed groups where she lives, like the forest school. A lot of home education outside of a pandemic is in groups and community based, or will make use of libraries and museums and other public learning opportunities. Frequently very little will happen at home.

In fact many home educators will advise new families to “deschool” for a while before jumping in to learning. This is a period where you “get school out of your system”, and just exist. Learning does not have to be intentional, you will be surprised how much you can achieve by just having fun.

6. “Home education is expensive.”

- It can be, ask my bank account. However, it is perfectly possible to deliver a quality education with little to no money. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s doable. Their are many online resources for free (check out oak academy), and libraries have plenty available too. Even paid resources can be very cheap if you know where to look. (psst, if your kid thrives with worksheets and powerpoints, get yourself a twinkl subscription, download everything you need for a year then cancel it.)

(This does not apply to exams. Get saving!)

7. “Home educated children are not properly socialised.”

- This is only really true during the pandemic. The rest of the time, home educated children are free to socialise whenever they want, with whoever they want, in whatever setting they choose. Socialisation while home educating is in the opinions of many of a higher quality, as they are not limited to groups of a similar age and background. Many home educating families form groups for their children to socialise together too. For ND children especially, socialising while home educated can be far less stressful and far more fulfilling than in school.

8. “Home educated children won’t get qualifications.”

- Just plain not true. Arranging qualifications can be costly and time consuming, but it is possible and regularly done. Some children may return to school or college to access exams for free, and I have heard of a handful of cases where individuals were able to secure prestigious university places without any qualifications. Home education also allows for more freedom with how exams and qualifications are approached, for example, many home educated children will pick one GCSE to focus on at a time, rather than covering numerous topics over 2 years and having exams for all of them at once like children in school will.

9. “Home education is a safeguarding risk/is used to cover up abuse/home educated children are not seen.”

- In the UK at least, home education is not considered a safeguarding risk, no matter what authorities may tell you, nor are home educated “not seen”. They still visit medical professionals, they still engage with their communities.

Now I shall add the relevant paper here should I find it again, but the idea that home education is used to cover up abuse to a statistically significant degree, or that home educated children are at more risk of abuse, is false. Home educating families do face a significantly higher risk of social services involvement than other families, but far less abuse is found in comparison to other families. It is also worth considering, when talking about social services involvement, that many families pursue home education due to failures by schools regarding a child’s vulnerabilities. In most cases, especially the Big Ones, where a home educated child is abused, the child was already known to authorities as a victim of abuse, therefore home educating did nothing to hide said abuse.

Children are also routinely abused in schools, which is another common reason for home educating.

10. “Home education has to be monitored or approved.”

- Depends on the country, I know in Japan home education is monitored by schools, however in the UK, monitoring is not lawful. Local authorities may make informal enquiries to ensure a suitable education is being facilitated (keep EVERYTHING in writing and please go straight to “home education and your local authority” group on FB for advice, you WILL need it!). In England, if your child is in mainstream education, you can deregister at will, from a special school will require LA approval. In Scotland deregistering requires LA approval. (Again, head to the aforementioned group for advice).

11. “You can’t work/get an education while home educating”

- It is hard to balance work, education and educating your child, but it is possible, people do it every day. Obviously, having at least one parent free to educate unhindered at all times is an ideal situation, but in the real world it often does not work that way. Parents may have to home educate regardless of their other commitments if a child truly needs to escape the school system. Many parents work or learn from home, and sometimes it is even possible to combine these activities with home education. Professional artists and crafters can pass down their skills while working, distance learners can invite their children to sit in on lectures. The really great thing about home education is it is flexible. Do you have a whole day of meetings? Let the kid play minecraft all day! Going to be in the office all day? Drop the kid off at the local forest school or something else they can do all day. Drop them with the grandparents to help with the gardening!

12. “Home educated are behind/achieve less than school children.”

- Their is no evidence that home education is of a lower quality than school education. Many children are home educated specifically because the school environment was detrimental to their education, and thrive with home education. Plenty of children are able to learn more simply by having 1-to-1 attention, without the distraction of an entire class. And others may well be “behind”, and are educated at home because of their specific needs that mean they will never thrive in an academic setting, so they are allowed to focus on learning skills that will allow them to live independently.

[johndykeon]

i’ve seen people talking about how there’s a difference between leo’s born in july and leo’s born in august... roger & john skdjsbsjsj idk what the difference is but it’s there

oops!! looks like you accidentally stumbled upon one of of my dormant hyperfixations!! 🤠🤠🤠 i’m SO into astrology dude skjfhskfj like is it real? probably not. but is it fun as hell to read about and judge people based on?  yes yes yes yes yes!

anyway this ended up getting super long because i have a lot of thoughts™ about it so i'm putting everything under the cut!! disclaimer: i literally just do this for fun and everything i know about astrology i learned from various websites and an astrology book i found at value village so if anything isn’t right mind your business fskjdfshkfj and ALSO please don’t read too much into this lmao it’s just for funsies 💖

so anyway YES you’re right, there 100% is a difference between john and roger’s type of leo, and it probably has to do with the fact that they fall into different decans of leo!! so essentially each sign is split up into three different “versions” of the sign depending on the positioning of the planets when they were born. the exact dates can vary slightly, but for leo the first decan (the “true leo”) is from july 23rd - august 1st (this is where roger falls), the second decan is august 2nd - august 12th, and the third decan is august 13th - august 22 (which is where john falls).

so roger, being born on july 26th, is a first decan leo. the characteristics of this placement are things like being really extroverted, loud, self-reliant, creative, wanting attention, having a sensitive ego; so very much the traditional leo. meanwhile, john is a third decan leo, which is a placement that’s known more for ambition, honesty, stubbornness, independence, and dynamism. so that could definitely be where some of their differences come from (although i’m not convinced that the qualities of the third decan leo actually fit john all that well, but i suppose none of actually really knew him so we can’t know for sure).

BUT,  it’s also super important to look at the rest of john and roger’s natal charts in addition to just their sun signs, since they were born two years apart and therefore they have a lot of differences in the major planets in their charts.

so roger’s birth time is actually online for some reason, apparently he was born at 10:30 AM on july 26th 1949. so assuming that this time is accurate (even if it isn’t the only things that would change are his ascendant and possibly his moon), here is his chart:

we don’t know what time john was born, so we don’t know his ascendant and we can’t be certain of his moon, but we do know that he was born on august 19th 1951 so based on that here is his chart:

so as you can see, there are some pretty significant differences in their planets. starting with the moon, which represents things like emotion, emotional response, and self image, roger has a leo moon while john (most likely) has a pisces moon. 

leo moons are typically outgoing, like to be the centre of attention, pretty popular, and tend to take on a comic sort of role because they like making people laugh. they have a really strong sense of fairness and justice, and they’re known for being dramatic and prone to sulking and causing a scene when their pride has been hurt. imo the leo moon very clearly fits roger pretty well skjfhsdkjfhs

on the other hand, john is a pisces moon, which is a placement thats know for being really intuitive, perceptive, sometimes dreamy, and compassionate because they feel things really deeply. pisces moons are also imaginative, warm, sentimental and empathetic, and known for having kind of a weird sense of humor; one of the sites i use as a reference for astrology actually described it as “a strong sense of humor that is more of the receptive kind than the type of sense of humor that would make people the ‘life of the party,’” and “it's generally pretty easy to get them giggling” (which imo is pretty spot on according to what we know about john and the stories we’ve heard about him)! pisces moons also have a tendency to get overwhelmed with life easily and then need time away from eveything to escape and recharge (fucking off to bali anyone??)

i'm not gonna really talk about ascendants because we don't know john's and the point of this is comparing his chart with roger’s, BUT i just have to say that roger is a virgo rising, and typically people get on really well and have strong connections with people who's sun sign is the same as their rising sign…… and of course, freddie is a virgo sun 🥺🥺🥺 and literally every time i remember that it just makes me so soft so i had to mention it fksjhfkjshfk

moving on to mercury, roger’s mercury is in leo and john’s is in virgo. mercury is the planet that rules things of the mind like communication, intellect, and memory. so starting with roger, leo mercurys are typically incredibly passionate, good at things like public speaking and performing, and very much draw the spotlight towards themselves, whether intentionally or unintentionally. they're confident, enthusiastic, have a flair for the dramatic, and seem to make new friends effortlessly. people with mercury in virgo on the other hand tend to be much more grounded and analytical. they’re efficient and sharp thinkers, very intelligent, practical, and they like things that challenge their minds and are drawn to people that can keep up with them. john was born with mercury in retrograde though, which can cause people to struggle with self doubt and be prone to anxiety and difficulty expressing themselves.

now on to venus. venus is the planet that rules love, romance, and what we value and take pleasure in in life. roger’s venus is in leo, while john’s is in virgo. leo venuses like roger are known for being warm, genuine, and grand in love. they’re prone to big gesture in their relationships, and they have a deep need to feel desired and wanted by their partners and can get hurt when they don’t feel like their lovers are showing them enough love. they're really loyal, but need a lot of attention from their lovers and have high expectations. on the other hand, people with venus in virgo like john are known for loving and showing love in quieter and more understated ways, unlike leo venuses who are more of the ‘shout it from the rooftops' variety. they show their love through dedication and willingness to work on a relationship, and they work really hard on doing "the little things'' to show their partner that they care, and they need to feel recognized and appreciated by their partners for doing these things. they're very devoted and sensitive in love, really genuine, and can be quite shy. john was born with venus in retrograde though, and people born during venus retrogrades tend to feel things very deeply but struggle with awkwardness and insecurity in expressing those feelings and their love. they take relationships really seriously and they love very deeply, but they can struggle with self-sabotage in their relationships because they usually have a lot of underlying insecurities and fears that they aren't good enough or loveable enough.

finally, mars is the planet that rules things like passion, anger, sex, desire, actions and energy. roger's mars is in cancer, while john’s is in leo. people with a cancer mars like roger can be prone to passive-aggressiveness and become defensive as a means of self protection when they feel threatened, but they're incredibly protective over the people they care about. also, fun fact— i read something that said mars in cancer is known as the sign most attracted to breasts, sooooo i guess roger is a tits guy confirmed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ on the other hand, people with mars in leo like john tend to be high in passion and desire, and usually have well defined goals and ambitions in their lives. they're also known as one of the most sexual positions of the zodiac, and they tend to enjoy sex more than most, but they typically have a strong need for love and romance to be an integral part of sex. they want their partners to be devoted to them, and can be prone to becoming jealous and possessive of their partner but will usually try to hide it.

there are ofc a bunch of other placements in natal charts that we could go into, but these 6 that i’ve mentioned (sun, moon, ascendant, mercury, venus, and mars) are generally considered to be the major players. there are also things like aspects and houses and everything that can be analyzed to gain a better insight into someones chart but honestly i don't really understand them so i'm not gonna go into that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

but yeah so as we can see, even though john and roger have a lot of the typical qualities of a leo in common— hard-working, enjoying luxury, proud, bright, determined, noble, loyal— there are a whole bunch of factors that make them really really different despite their similarities!! because you’re totally right anon, roger and john are both leos, and imo you can tell that they’re both leos, but there’s also a certain energy about each of them that sets them apart from one another that’s SO fun to get into and explore!!!!!!!

[senjuushi]

Hey, can you give me a introduction on the characters personalities? I really want to ask some stuff, but don't know the characters enouth. It doens't need to be long, just a small introduction! (:

OwO Absolutely!!! I’ve explained the characters in my writing Discord before, so I’ll just copypaste what I wrote there. The explanations are pretty long, but they’re detailed, so I like ‘em~

Long post below!

This is F. He's a flamboyant, eccentric sadomasochist, and deviant with a princess-type personality, who kind of never quits saying horrible, horrible things. He's very girly and over-the-top, and expresses a distinct crush on one of the other guns, who he refers to as "Onii-sama". 

He has MAJOR masochistic tendencies, like licking the barrel of his gun while it's still hot, but he shows sadistic tendencies too, such as treating his lowest-ranking soldiers horribly. It's very likely that these behaviors have been learned from others, though. One thing that I think is of note is that, despite his extremely sexual behavior and tendencies, he's not showing any more skin than his upper neck and a little bit of his wrists. 

He's an attention-seeker who struggles to stand out in the shadow of a remarkable older brother, and it's implied that he's pretty desperate to be loved. He values his appearance a lot, going out of his way to look good and be presentable, such as through doing his nails and wearing perfume. 

I think he's a very needy person who just wants people to look at him and care about him in any way, so he goes out of his way to stand out. There are a lot of implications that he's been through some pretty awful stuff, considering that his sadism and masochism are most likely learned.

. . . 

This is Belga. He's a loudmouthed idiot with a violent streak and a love of shooting everything in sight. Based on his face and calculated height, he's probably only like 13-15 physically, 16 at max. 

He's very childish and immature, is either ridiculously ignorant or pretty darn stupid, and has a horrifically foul mouth on him. He was described to me as a "laughing maniac". That said, he's got a major soft side, and cries easily at things like sad stories and his pet fish dying. The fish themselves are most likely a measure to control him by, with letting him gain an attachment just to threaten him with them. 

He's very manipulable and gullible, and gets called "birdbrain" by 89, a gun who shares the same superior as him. Overall, he's a childish moron who can probably only barely take care of himself.

. . . 

This is Mikhael. He's... kind of a mess. Outwardly, he seems like a calm, collected character who lives only for his music and his passions. When looked at closer, however, there are some very bad signs. 

First of all, he's blind. His eyes are bandaged over, which... does not imply good things. He also has what's almost definitely a brace on his leg, suggesting that he's kind of broken. Also worth noting is that in the art above, his gun is pointing at his head. 

Mikhael has a fixation on "beauty in destruction" which to me implies that he's trying very hard to cover for how broken he is. He does nothing but play his piano when taken to battle, basically leaving himself open to getting shot. I see him as an older, broken-down gun who's acutely aware of how horrible his situation is, as well as being passively suicidal. He won't do anything to kill himself, but if something happened, he certainly wouldn't complain. 

I think he's very sad, finding joy only in his music, and taking every chance to drown himself in it. Because of his physical flaws, I doubt the WE treats him very well. He's broken enough that he could be gotten rid of at any time, so he's struggling to make himself seem useful and good through his obsession with beauty in ruined things.

. . . 

This is Ninety. He's the "holy shit this is fucked up" one. Ninety is literally referred to as the WE's dog... and he acts like it. 

He's the youngest of the guns in terms of summoning order and has a mindset somewhere between a child and an animal. He can't speak, most likely trauma mute and connected to something like conversion disorder, is only barely literate, and communicates with a signboard. Do note that this boy is not wearing pants. 

He's sort of feral, going so far as to bite the soldiers under him when he doesn't get fed enough (they're probably starving him). He's known to be a "panic shooter", implying a nervous personality. Also worrying is that he has another mask under his gas mask. A lot of fans theorize that he has a slit mouth. 

All of that said, though, Ninety is surprisingly mature and probably a lot more intelligent than he acts. He comforts Belga when his fish die, and honestly, I think he's just acting the part of a stupid dog because it's been drilled into him enough. There's intelligence in there, he's just not allowed to show it. Also, he's tiny. My height calculations put him at somewhere in the 4' range.

. . . 

This is Ghost. His gun is an experimental weapon that was never actually released, and he's got issues because of that. He's a person with no presence who always goes ignored by those around him. His bullets are ridiculously expensive to produce, and thus, the only person who's ever given him a chance is Ashley, to whom he's ridiculous levels of grateful and loyal. 

He's got major abandonment issues and considers himself to be a difficult to deal with reject. He's very passive, cynical, and pessimistic. He has a very childish side, "cursing" people who upset or ignore him, and "blessing" the rare few who give him the time of day. He latches onto anyone who treats him kindly with an unrivaled sense of desperation. It's implied that he might be rather sickly, and he seems to have a poor physical presence. 

He feels like he's a failure who no one should waste their time on, and struggles a lot with believing that anyone could ever find him worth the effort to use or keep. He's always teetering on the fear of being abandoned and forgotten.

. . . 

This is 89. He's a dead-inside gamer otaku who's catchphrase is "Are you serious?" He's something of the straight man (in the sense of the comedy term) of the lot of them and is definitely the most "normal". 

On that subject, he wants to be normal very, very badly but doesn’t have a shadow of a chance thanks to his status as nothing but a gun and a weapon of the WE, so he forces himself to look down on everyone who does get a normal life. He’s so depressed and done with life that all he does is lock himself up in his room and play whatever violent fighting games he’s allowed as an escape from the misery that is his life. He's got a ridiculously obvious crush on Mikhael, and also very obviously just wants someone to love him. Belga calls him "virgin", and in return gets referred to as "birdbrain". 

89 is just tired and done and exhausted with life, and honestly, he probably doesn't get much attention. He slacks off from missions when he can (which he definitely gets in trouble for), and even his favorite foods are cheap things that sound like they've been shoved onto him out of sheer neglect. He's a little bit tsundere and a total softie inside. He's also my favorite of all of them.

. . . 

This is Eins. He's the powerhouse of the modern guns, and definitely the strongest person there. He's the highest-ranking of all of them, and his battle style/gun type is a sniper. 

He's a serious person who takes his job equally seriously and always produces exceptional results. He acts rather normal, and could probably pass for human if he tried. That said, he's also got major empathy issues, showing very little remorse for hurting people. He takes orders way too far to make sure he's gone far enough, in the sense that he'd kill 100 people if ordered to kill 1. He has his soft side, though, down to gardening, impressive cooking skills when it comes to the others, and considering many of the other moderns to be his "family". F has a crush on him, which he's totally oblivious to. 

Fal is his loyal right-hand man, and Ghost is ridiculously fond of him. He's merciless when it comes down to it, but probably just sees what he does as doing his job and not getting hurt. He definitely sees himself as nothing but a weapon and a tool.

. . . 

This is Fal. He's F's older brother, and most likely the reason why F is Like That. Fal is an insanely capable, efficient, skilled person– one who comes off as perfect in every way. His gun, the FN FAL, is known as "the right arm of the free world" and has been one of the most used firearms in history. 

Fal himself is a calm, collected sort who always seems poised. He's Eins's assistant and has a lot of responsibility, which he handles extremely well. He's polite, subservient, and soft-spoken, despite being very close to Eins in power and skill. He's well-spoken, eloquent, loyal, and basically embodies the perfect assistant. He's also very intelligent, and expresses a particular fondness for torture. He has a unique power in that he's able to manifest prehensile, thorned vines, which sets him apart from the others in strength and skill. 

He's basically the ideal modern gun, which gives F and everyone else a LOT to live up to. He does seem like a very stressed, worn-down person, though, and likely is almost crushed under the pressure of the expectations placed on him.

. . . 

This is Kirsch. He's a sadistic spoiled brat who's almost definitely been sexually abused. He's downright desperate for attention from Ashley, resenting Mauser (Ashley's personal weapon) viciously for taking that attention away. Creepily enough, he refers to Ashley as "Papa". 

He's sort of obsessed with being cute and attractive, emphasizing his charm and trying to play up how lovable he is. That said, he behaves like a spoiled child, down to throwing tantrums when he's angry. Kirsch is also a major sadist (a behavior which is definitely learned), and loves torturing people for the sheer fun of it. He's described as "sick in the head" by one of his superiors. Even so, he tries to paint himself as a harmless victim who can do no wrong, kissing up to and demanding attention from anyone he looks fondly upon. 

He's ridiculously immature, insanely clingy, and probably also has major abandonment issues. He acts like a love-starved child who acts out in order to get attention. There are also a few implications that he's been sexually abused, including his aggressively "touchy" behavior, personal-space invading sadism, attitude towards his superiors, and revealing outfit (short shorts and garter on his leg).

. . . 

This is Hokusai. He's an animated, wild-natured person with a major childish streak. He uses the pronoun "Boku-chan", which sounds straight out of the mouth of a kindergartener. 

He's something of a mad scientist who's associated with the science sector of the WE, and has honestly probably been the brunt of more than a few experiments. He has a massive fixation on the color blue that goes all the way to an obsession, and he's so dedicated to this that he keeps trying to dye his human self blue... which also keeps killing him. He's killed himself like this a bunch of times, but fortunately, Ashley can keep bringing him back somehow. He has a massive aversion to the color red too, straight to the point where he loses it if he sees his own blood. 

He has a number of visible scars (rare for anime art), including one across his throat and one on his wrist, implying that he's been through some shit. His behavior also says to me that he might have some form of brain damage, probably of the nature that impacts his decision making and sense of consequences. He's very reckless and has little regard for his own life. Despite this, he's also a cheerful, sunny person who never really seems to be down.

. . . 

This is Love1. He's... a mess. His gun is majorly defective, and known irl as one of the worst and most useless firearms in history. Reflecting this, L1's body is kind of a mess. His gun jams constantly, which gives him nosebleeds, he's implied to be physically fucked up in general, and in the game, his bigger attacks did damage to him too. 

Personality-wise, he acts like an utter idiot. He's loud and goofy, with a lot of presence and seemingly no dignity. He's cheerful, explosive, and trigger-happy, acting like he doesn't have a care in the world. However, his real personality is very different. L1 is a massively intelligent and strategic individual. While Fal specializes in physical torture, L1 is the psychological torture master. He knows how to absolutely break people. He has a little brother, Like2, and the two of them are both in the "defective" boat. L1 loves L2 dearly, no matter how rude the other is to him, and gushes over his "cute baby brother" constantly. 

On the dark note, L1's life is kind of hanging by a thread. He's worthless enough that he could be gotten rid of at any time, and with the whole world seeing him as a failure, he's definitely got some major issues. He could be replaced at any time, and he's definitely living in fear of when that day will come. Since his physical body is shot, it's also likely that he's constantly in a lot of pain. No one is really very nice to him either.

. . . 

This is Like2. He's an effeminate, bratty tsundere who wants to be spoiled and loved. He's in the same boat as L1 in that his gun is sort of useless, but he's still quite a bit better off. He definitely shares the same worries about being replaced, but instead of covering it up with a smile, he fixates on making himself pretty and strong. 

He's a bodybuilder who focuses a lot on strength training, and is surprisingly tough for his looks. He loves fine things and getting attention and spoiling, and is pretty much desperate for people to like him. Because of his status as a rejected, mocked weapon, he's frantic to make himself useful and avoid being disposed of. He values his personal security massively, can't stand any form of discomfort, and is willing to turn traitor as soon as his safety is on the line. He's an aggressive, abrasive tsundere who constantly berates his brother, calling him "worthless" and "soon to be replaced". 

That said, he loves L1 dearly underneath it all, and winds up as something of his brother's caretaker. He's a fragile person who's desperate to be cared for an accepted, no matter what he has to do to get it.

. . .

Last is Mauser. He's Ashley's personal assistant and weapon, and is honestly a thousand levels of worrying. Mauser is the first gun Ashley summoned, and despite his size and young appearance, his gun is the oldest model as well, being made in 1896. He teeters right on the verge of modern and antique. 

He's an obedient doll to Ashley who seems to lack any form of personality or will of his own. He's empty and emotionless, only capable of expressing his loyalty to his Master. This lack of personality could be attributed to being a faulty summon, but more likely, Ashley has broken him of anything that made him a person. He's blindly devoted, endlessly loyal, and doesn't really have anything to live for beyond Ashley. His character is worrying because something must have left him so broken, and the implications with what Ashley could have done to mess him up so badly aren't pretty. 

His personality is rather flat, but his interesting side comes in what made him the way he is. He'd have nothing to live for without Ashley.

[kokiri-at-the-pack]

1004

October 4

Ranting like this isn’t going to be helpful at all…

...I must take a walk first. Better to relax my head.

...

Yes! Yes! YES! I know what I’ll do exactly!

I can’t believe a simple walk around my village gave me a huge inspiration!

Occasionally, homeless people and their children would wander around corners of some streets. They include Mr. Francis, an old man whom I have befriended as I have regularly listened to his magnificent and skillful play of guitar. Well...a guitar-like instrument exactly as it was made up of rubbish like cans, plastic containers etc. Still, it would play melodies that would sound just like an ordinary guitar. That was his ability. Creating a musical instrument and its function out of any material. That and his open-mindedness have allowed me to get closer to him. As usual, I headed towards the street he often dwells in to calm myself through his music.

Just like I expected, he welcomed me with a smile and played soothing balad music like he was a professional musician. I closed my eyes and let every single note fill my head. For a moment, I got oblivious towards my major concern with which I was stressing myself.

“That was awesome, Mr. Francis!” I exclaimed when his music ended, “what song did you play exactly?”

Mr. Francis chuckled, “this is my song actually.”

I could not believe what I just heard.

“You composed it?! I didn’t know you could make music! Seriously! Shouldn’t you apply to a company or something?”

However, Mr. Francis remained quiet and shook his head. Even behind his dusty hat and greasy gray beard which covered half of his face, I could observe sadness in his eyes.

“Been there and done that, young lady. Lost count of it.” he finally answered.

I immediately understood what his words meant.

“I gave thousands of my songs--now all burnt to ashes years ago--in every business I could find. I explained for many times what my ability can do. But maybe the Heavenly Father made a mistake of not putting me luck when sending me to this world. Every result was no different. Rejection. Your music is too bland and old-fashioned. The world has plenty of instruments today.”

I was speechless. Never knew Mr. Francis had such a tragic background.

“We do not need your ability,” he emphasized the last sentence as if that was the most agonizing statement stuck in his head.

Then he returned to his original bright face.

“You may expect what happened next. I spent too much chasing after my hopeless dream. My family lost trust in me. The debt was not paid on time. My home was lost, and... here I am,” he chuckled weakly.

I was lost in thought. Mr. Francis started to remind me of Father. Struggling with what others thought are disadvantageous abilities. Yet, after facing reality, they have both given up paths that could have made them happy. That could have made their loved ones happy. Despite all of that, Father did have his own skills. Mr. Francis just showed me his unique talent. Others would never have been able to imitate them. Is there really no way to make their abilities worthy?

Unless…

...My drawing!

I stood up quickly, “don’t worry, Mr. Francis. Everything will be better soon.”

I comforted him before I returned home, leaving his confused face behind.

I ran as rapidly as my feet could and reached my room filled with notebooks and sketches.

Why did I never think of it before? My ability and its critical effect can be put to good use. If I draw with care unfortunate people like Mr. Francis succeed by following their passion, not only will they have a joyful future ahead in their lives. They will no longer have to suffer from difficulties in the past. They will forget it and become totally new people!

And who knows! They might be seen as diamonds in the rough!

It would be okay. I’m not going to ruin their lives. Just… just helping them. As long as my sketches are safe, I can prove my ability to be supportive!

Ah, I should not waste time writing this. I should gather some newspapers, if there is an article about those who need help.

October 7

After days of searching, I have chosen and written down the list of people to whom I’m going to use my drawings to give them second chances in their lives. I have not written down their full names and addresses as I must respect their privacy. Instead, I have elaborated how they have lived before and the way I’m going to change them in more positive ways. I wish I could pick up more, but I do not have the skill yet to quickly draw all wanted events in detail. Anyways, here is the mentioned list:

Mr. Francis finally gets recognized thanks to his music and his ability.

A girl with a nickname of Jenna opens a pet shop for her ability to communicate with animals.

A lonely man discovers his love of life with his skills of persuasion.

An unpopular Pattern Creator winner of the Design Competition is invited to design products of one of the most famous clothing brands Whiskey.

A college student, who worries about her final assignments for graduation about using her abilities to help people, accomplishes it smoothly and receives honors.

October 12

Alright. I have finally finished drawing all the illustrations of the chosen people. Now, where can be the safest place for sheets of paper in my house? Oh, yeah. The storage room. My hands hurt right now from restless use of them to accomplish my work. But I must remain mindful of how I am going to store the drawings without my family finding them.

Hmm, that’s right. An old wooden box in the corner. There is no way they will even take a peek at it.

October 13

Is my ability finally getting the light it deserves? When I passed by the street where Mr. Francis frequently played his instrument, I was surprised to find that he was not there. In his place, I noticed other homeless people, who seemed to be his friends, having an excited conversation. I stepped a bit closer to the group and eavesdropped on what they were saying.

“You believe what we just saw?” asked one of them.

“Don’t mention it! Never thought about witnessing it at all!” replied another.

“Who was that fancy-looking man from a...very long car?” an old female beggar spoke.

“Dunno. He just said that he liked ol’ Francis’ music and took him away.”

Mr. Francis? Someone liked his music? So he brought him away to somewhere else? Can this happen on an instance? I thought it was just a super rare coincidence...at first.

It wasn’t until I saw my parents watching the small black and white television that I understood it wasn’t. Inside the screen, I recognized at once who that lady was. The Pattern Creator. She was having an interview about how she was happy to get invited to showcase her talent after all the years of namelessness.

“Sigh, even that woman with such an ability succeeds in this world,” Mother complained.

However, her words were barely worth attention to me at that moment. I rushed to ask Father to borrow today’s newspaper and scanned all the available headlines. Sure enough, there was that one headline I had been looking for. Jenna, the girl with an ability to communicate with animals, had just opened up her unique pet shop and wrote an article about how her ability differentiates her shop from others. She was also looking for employees to work with, the advertisement of which was posted at the end of her article.

It worked! This can be the new potential of my ability! They are all smiling. They have a wonderful future ahead! Jenna… Mr. Francis… The Pattern Creator… They have begun new lives thanks to me! If I can utilize this more efficiently, then who knows how far this positive influence can go?

I don’t think I would be able to sleep tonight. But it doesn’t matter. This is the day I discovered my worth!

[maryanntorreson]

Here’s how I finally got myself to start exercising

Avalon Nuovo

When we received the stay-at-home order in March 2020 — I live in California — I came out of the gates pretty darn hot.

“Embrace not being so busy,” I wrote. “Take this time at home to get into a new happiness habit.”

That seems hilarious to me now. My pre-pandemic routines fell apart hard and fast. Some days, I would realize at dinnertime that not only had I not showered or gotten dressed that day, I hadn’t even brushed my teeth.

Even though I have coached people for a long time in a very effective, science-based method of habit formation, I struggled. Truth be told, for the first few months of the pandemic I more or less refused to follow my own best advice.

I think this was because I love to set ambitious goals. Adopting little habits is so much less exciting than embracing a big, juicy goal.

Take exercise, for example.

When the pandemic began, I optimistically embraced the idea that I could get back into running outside. I picked a half marathon to train for and spent a week or so meticulously devising a detailed daily training plan. However, I stuck to that plan for only a few weeks — all that planning and preparation led only to a spectacular failure to exercise.

I skipped my training runs despite feeling like the importance of exercise and the good health it brings has never been more bracingly clear. Despite knowing that it would cut my risk of heart disease in half. Despite knowing that exercise radically reduces the probability we’ll get cancer or diabetes and that it’s as least as effective as prescription medication when it comes to reducing depression and anxiety, that it improves our memory and learning, and that it makes our brains more efficient and more powerful.

Why did I skip exercise despite knowing all this?

The truth is our ability to follow through on our intentions — to get into a new habit like exercise or to change our behavior in any way — actually doesn’t depend on the reasons that we might do it or on the depth of our convictions to do it. It also doesn’t depend on our understanding of the benefits of a particular behavior, or even on the strength of our willpower.

Instead, it depends on our willingness to be bad at our desired behavior.

And I hate being bad at stuff. I’m a “go big or go home” kind of gal. I like being good at things, and I quit exercising because I wasn’t willing to be bad at it.

Here’s why we need to be willing to be bad. Being good requires that our effort and our motivation need to be equivalent. In other words, the harder a thing is for us to do, the more motivation we need to do that thing. And you might have noticed that motivation isn’t something we can always muster on command. Whether we like it or not, motivation comes and motivation goes. When motivation wanes, plenty of research shows that we humans tend to follow the law of the least effort and do the easiest thing.

New behaviors require a lot of effort because change is hard. Change can require a lot of motivation, which we can’t count on having. This is why we often don’t do the things we really intend to do.

To establish an exercise routine, I needed to let myself be bad at it. I needed to stop trying to be an actual athlete.

I started exercising again by running for only one minute at a time — yes, that’s right, 60 seconds. Every morning after I brushed my teeth, I changed out of my pajamas and walked out the door, with my only goal to run for one full minute.

These days, I usually run for 15 or 20 minutes at a stretch. But on the days that I’m totally lacking in motivation or time, I still do that one minute. And this minimal effort always turns out to be way better than nothing.

Maybe you relate. Maybe you’ve also failed in one of your attempts to change yourself for the better. Perhaps you want to use less plastic, meditate more or be a better antiracist. Maybe you want to write a book or eat more leafy greens.

I have great news for you: You can do and be those things, starting right now!

The sole requirement is that you stop trying to be so good. You’ll need to abandon your grand plans, at least temporarily. You must allow yourself to do something so minuscule that it’s only slightly better than doing nothing at all.

Ask yourself: How can you strip down that thing you’ve been meaning to do into something so easy you could do it every day with barely a thought? So if your big objective is to eat lots of leafy greens, maybe you could start by adding one lettuce leaf to your sandwich at lunch.

Don’t worry: You’ll get to do more. This “better than nothing” behavior isn’t your ultimate goal. But for now, do something ridiculously easy that you can do even when nothing in your life is going as planned.

On those days, doing some wildly unambitious act is better than doing nothing. A one-minute meditation is relaxing and restful. A single leaf of romaine lettuce has a half-gram of fiber and important nutrients. A one-minute walk gets us outside and moving, which our bodies really need.

Try doing one better than nothing behavior. See how it goes. Your goal is repetition, not high achievement.

Let yourself be mediocre at whatever you are trying to do, but be mediocre every day.

Take only one step, but take that step every day.

And if your better than nothing habit doesn’t actually seem better to you than doing nothing, remember that you are getting started at something and that initiating a behavior is often the hardest part.

By getting started, you are establishing a neural pathway in your brain for a new habit. This makes it much more likely that you’ll succeed with something more ambitious down the line. Once you hardwire a habit into your brain, you can do it without thinking and, more importantly, without needing much willpower or effort.

A “better than nothing” habit is easy for you to repeat, again and again, until it’s on autopilot. You can do it even when you aren’t motivated, even when you’re tired, even when you have no time. Once you start acting on autopilot, that’s the golden moment that your habit can begin to expand organically.

After a few days of running for one minute, I started feeling a genuine desire to keep running. Not because I felt like I should exercise more or I had to do more to impress people, but because it felt more natural to keep running than it felt to stop.

It can be incredibly tempting, especially for the overachievers, to want to do more than our designated better than nothing habit. So I must warn you: The moment in which you are no longer willing to do something unambitious is the moment in which you risk everything.

The moment you think you should do more is the moment you introduce difficulty. It’s the moment you eliminate the possibility that your activity will be easy and even enjoyable. So it’s also the moment that will require a lot more motivation from you. And if the motivation isn’t there, that’s when you’ll end up checking your phone instead of doing whatever it is you intended to do or you’ll stay on the couch binge-watching TikTok videos or Netflix.

The whole idea behind the better than nothing habit is that it doesn’t depend on motivation. It’s not reliant on having a lot of energy, and you do not have to be good at this. All you need is to be willing to be wildly unambitious — to settle for doing something that’s just a smidge better than nothing.

I’m happy to report that after months of struggle, I am now a runner. I became one by allowing myself to be bad at it. While you couldn’t call me an athlete — there are no half marathons in my future — I am consistent.

To paraphrase the Dalai Lama, our goal is not to be better than other people; it’s just to be better than our previous selves. And that I definitely am. It turns out that to grow as people, we need only do something minuscule. When we abandon our grand plans and great ambitions in favor of taking that first teeny-tiny step, we shift. And, paradoxically, it is in that tiny shift that our grand plans and great ambitions are truly born.

This piece was adapted from a TEDxMarin Talk. Watch it here now:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Christine Carter PhD is a writer, speaker, coach and sociologist, as well as a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of the books The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction, The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Here’s how I finally got myself to start exercising published first on https://premiumedusite.tumblr.com/rss

[asking-jude]

This ask was most likely deleted by the bugs the Tumblr staff refuses to resolve. Contact them here and complain to make our community more efficient.

anonymous said:

Do you have any advice/resources on how to make peace with an obvious disability? I have quite severe Tourette's which affects everything I do and I get stares/comments on a near-daily basis; a lot of ppl think TS is fake, or controllable, or a sign that I'm a danger to them. Lately when this happens I've noticed less "well screw them" thoughts and more feelings of being isolated or broken, or like maybe I'm not trying hard enough to "not be disabled". Do you have advice on dealing with that?

asking-jude said: 

Hi love, 

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. It can be very difficult to live under constant scrutiny and observation when you are dealing with so much. You are not broken or a victim, but rather a warrior fighting to have a happy and successful life. Uneducated or ignorant people who do not understand your daily struggles might mock you. But, you should not let those people deter you from being happy and achieving your dreams. 

Someone with Tourette’s once regaled me with stories of his accomplishments and his capability to achieve his dreams despite his diagnosis. While Tourette’s provides an extra hurdle to overcome, several people can achieve success both professionally and socially. The key is to surround yourself with a support circle. Humans are social beings, and it takes a village to help anyone be happy and successful. 

You need to find your village. Find the people who provide you with unconditional support and the freedom to be yourself. Find the medical professionals who will support you with medicine and treatments to reduce your symptoms as much as possible. You will find people that might not completely understand what you go through but will still support you through anything. People are often afraid of the unknown. They might not understand and thus retaliate against you. Educate them, and you might find more people in your circle. 

Don’t give Tourette’s control of your life. You are brave, strong, and should not let it affect you. People with Tourette’s are also susceptible to having depression and anxiety, which might be the cause of your recent feelings. It’s imperative to check with your doctor and a mental health professional for possible diagnoses, as it might also be affecting how you deal with this in your everyday life. Research has shown that the frequency of Tics decreases significantly when people practice self-care and are more relaxed. You don’t always have to put on a brave face. Try not to focus on the negatives. If you feel good physically, then you can work on feeling good mentally. Every time you feel any of the negative thoughts, try using the website pixel thoughts (https://www.pixelthoughts.co/). It is an excellent resource to help you clear your mind when this happens. Here are some resources that you might find helpful: 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/living-well-with-a-disability.htm 

https://www.tourettes-action.org.uk/storage/downloads/1374586633_Tic-tips---managing-your-TS.pdf 

https://www.brainandlife.org/articles/psychiatric-and-mood-disorders-are-common-among-people-with-tourette/ 

https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2015/03/123666/mood-anxiety-disorders-common-tourette-patients 

http://tourettealliance.org/ https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/tourette/stories.html 

https://www.winchesterhospital.org/health-library/article?id=9659 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/opinion/my-life-with-tourettes-syndrome.html 

Remember, you are not broken. You are incredibly strong and courageous. You are not afraid to ask for help, which already speaks volumes about how incredible you are. If other people cannot see that, then it is their loss. 

Wishing you all the best, 

Manisha 

Asking Jude will continue to offer free peer counselling services on askingjude.org—a faster, more efficient alternative to Tumblr. Please, create your account and receive 24/7 support from the Asking Jude Team and fellow community members. Support our breathtaking transformation!

[grootpoepjeplasjehoofd]

I’m reading Markus Wolf’s memoirs and I absolutely love his description of growing up in Moscow but also that rapid shift in tone omfg

We adjusted slowly to a strange language and culture, fearful of the harsh manners of the children who shared our courtyard. “Nemets, perets, kolbassa, kislaya kapusta,” they would shout after us: “Germans—pepper, sausage, sauerkraut.” They laughed at our short trousers, too, and we begged our mother for long ones. Finally she gave in with a sigh, saying, “You’re proper little men now.”

But we were soon fascinated by our new environment. After our provincial German childhood, the bustling city, with its rough and ready ways, thrilled us. In those days people still spat the husks of their sunflower seeds onto the pavement, and horse-drawn traps clattered through the street. Moscow was still a “big village,” a city with peasant ways. At first we attended the German Karl Liebknecht School (a school for children of German-speaking parents, named after the Socialist leader of the January 1919 Spartacist uprising, who was murdered in Berlin shortly thereafter), then later, a Russian high school. By the time we became teenagers we were barely distinguishable from our native schoolmates, for we spoke their colloquial Russian with Moscow accents. We had two special friends in George and Victor Fischer, sons of the American journalist Louis Fischer. It was they who gave me the nickname “Mischa,” which has stuck ever since. My brother Koni, anxious not to be left out, took the Russian diminutive “Kolya.”

The Moscow of the thirties remains in my memory as an era of light and shadow. The city changed before our eyes. By now I was a rather serious teenage boy and no longer thought of Stalin as a magician. But as the new multistory apartment blocks soon appeared around the Kremlin, and the amount of traffic suddenly increased as black sedans replaced the pony traps, it was as if someone had waved a powerful wand and turned the Moscow of the past into a futuristic landscape. The elegant metro, with its Art Deco lamps and giddyingly steep escalators, hummed into life, and we would spend the afternoons after school exploring its vaults, which echoed like a vast underground church. The disastrous food shortage of the twenties abated, but despite the new buildings, my family’s friends, mainly Russian intellectuals, lived cheek by jowl in tiny apartments. There were spectacular May Day parades. The exciting news of the day carried highlights of the age like the daring recovery of the Chelyushkin expedition from the pack ice of the Arctic Ocean after its conquest of the North Pole. We followed these events with the enthusiasm that Western children devoted to their favorite football or baseball teams.

With similar passion Koni and I both joined the Soviet Young Pioneers— the Communist equivalent o f the Boy Scouts—and learned battle songs about the class struggle and the Motherland. As Young Pioneers we marched in the great November display on Red Square commemorating the Soviet revolution, shouting slogans of praise for the tiny figure in an overcoat on the balustrade above Lenin’s tomb. We spent our weekends in the countryside around Moscow, gathering berries and mushrooms because even as a city dweller our father was determined to preserve his nature worship as a way of life. I still missed German delicacies, though, and found the sparse Soviet diet, with its mainstays of buckwheat porridge and sour yogurt, desperately boring. Since then I have learned to love Russian food in all its variety, and if must say so, I make the best Pelmeni dumplings (stuffed with forcemeat) this side of Siberia. But I have never developed a great fondness for buckwheat porridge, probably as a result of having consumed tons of the stuff in my teens.

In summer I was dispatched to Pioneer camp and elevated to the role of leader. I wrote to my father complaining about the miserable gruel and military discipline that prevailed there. Back came a typically optimistic letter, bidding me to resist the regime by forming a commission with my fellow children. “Tell them that Comrade Stalin and the Party do not condone such waste. Quality is what counts.. . . Under no circumstances must you, as a good Pioneer and especially as a Pioneer leader, quarrel! You and the other group leaders should speak collectively with the administration. . . Don’t be despondent, my boy.”

The Soviet Union was now our only home, and on my sixteenth birthday, in 1939, I received my first Soviet papers. Father wrote to me from Paris, “Now you are a real citizen of the Soviet people,” which made me glow with pride. But as I grew older I realized that my father’s infectious utopianism was not my natural leaning. I was of a more pragmatic temperament. Of course, it was an exhilarating time, but it was also the era of the purges, in which men who had been feted as heroes of the Revolution were wildly accused of crimes and often condemned to death or to imprisonment in the Arctic camps. The net cast by the NKVD—the secret police and precursor of the KGB—closed in on our emigre friends and acquaintances. It was confusing, obscure, and inexplicable to us youngsters, schooled in the tradition of belief in the Soviet Union as the beacon of progress and humanitarianism.

But children are sensitive to silences and evasions, and we were subliminally aware that we were not party to the whole truth about our surroundings. Many of our teachers disappeared during the purges of 1936-38. Our special German school was closed. We children noticed that adults never spoke of people who had “disappeared” in front of their families, and we automatically began to respect this bizarre courtesy ourselves.Not until years later would we face up to the extent and horror of the crimes and Stalin’s personal responsibility for them. Back then, he was a leader, a father figure, his square-jawed, mustached face staring out like that of a visionary from the portrait on our schoolroom wall. The man and his works were beyond reproach, beyond question for us. In 1937, when the murder machine was running at its most terrifyingly efficient, one of our family’s acquaintances, Wilhelm Wloch, who had risked his life working for the Comintern in the underground in Germany and abroad, was arrested. His last words to his wife were “Comrade Stalin knows nothing of this.”

Of course, our parents tried to keep from us their fears about the bloodletting. In their hearts and minds, the Soviet Union remained, through all their doubts and disappointments, “the first socialist country” they had so proudly told us about after their first visit in 1931.

My father, I now know, was fearful for his own life. Although his wife and children had been granted Soviet citizenship because we lived there, he spent much of his time abroad and so was not a citizen. He was, however, still able to travel on his German passport, even though his citizenship had been revoked. He had already applied for permission from the Soviet authorities to leave Moscow for Spain, where he wanted to serve as a doctor in the International Brigades fighting against General Franco’s Fascists in the bitter Civil War there. Spain was the arena where the Nazi military tried out its deadly potential, practicing for its later aggression against other vulnerable powers. Throughout Europe, left-wing volunteers were flooding to the aid of the Republicans against the Spanish military insurgents. For many in the Soviet Union, fighting there also meant a ticket out of the Soviet Union and away from the oppressive atmosphere of the purges. Decades later, a reliable friend of the family told me that my father had said of his attempts to reach Spain: “I’m not going to wait around here until they arrest me.” That revelation wounded me, even as a grown man, for it made me realize how many worries and reservations had been hidden from us children by our parents in the thirties, and how much sorrow must have been quietly harvested around us among many of our friends in Moscow.

My father never did reach Spain. For a year, his application for an exit visa lay unanswered. More and more of our friends and acquaintances in the German community had disappeared and my parents could no longer hide their anguish. When the doorbell rang unexpectedly one night, my usually calm father leapt to his feet and let out a violent curse. When it emerged that the visitor was only a neighbor intent on borrowing something, he regained his savoir-faire, but his hands trembled for a good half hour.

[melnchly-a]

i was debating posting this but here are a range of things to think about re: police and reform. 

i’m seeing a lot of “abolish the police” posts, and while i know exactly where that’s coming from, it’s also a simple-seeming answer to a deep and complex problem, and one that’s likely to cause more problems than you’re likely thinking. (in the absence of police, it’s likely - - though certainly not guaranteed - - that those who can afford it will invest more heavily in private security for businesses/personal protection/etc, whether that need is warranted or not. in the event of situations occurring that would have required police presence, you would likely see more federal law enforcement/military presence. worst-case, imagine a country led by someone like our current president where the only option is to send in federal agents and believe me, you don’t want that.) neither do you probably actually want to call for a mass exodus of police of their own volition. i can tell you right now the ones you want out wouldn’t be leaving. you’d be left with departments entirely composed of people with no qualms about excessive force. you WANT those people staying on the force, and you WANT them to have the resources they need to report on fellow officers when needed. 

it’s also just not likely to happen in any widespead way. not in our current society. if you want to create real change, there are other things that need to be addressed, campaigned for, and fixed. things which will not be fixed if we’re trying to focus on overly simple answers for deeply complex problems.

this isn’t to disagree with the notion of reallocating funding to benefit schools/public services/etc. i think that’s entirely necessary. but there’s more to the story than simply cutting funding. 

police need to address and apologize for excessive use of force and abuse over the history of policing. if not for individual officers who may or may not have participated, than for the historical precedent as a whole. pretending there isn’t a problem isn’t a help to anyone. 

as i’ve said multiple times in the past, police unions and those who negotiate with them make it notoriously difficult for departments to get rid of officers with complaints against them. the department in minneapolis is headed by a black chief of police who had sued his own department based on issues of race in the past. he should have been able to get rid of officers like c.hauvin with no issues and yet....obviously, that man was still on the force. there need to be ways for a.) departments to fire problem officers without someone over their heads reinstating them and b.) ways for officers to report on their fellow officers without repercussions. i can tell you right now that those methods don’t currently exist in any wide-spread or efficient/effective form.

body cams, dash cams, and other oversight tools need to a.) be “sold” more effectively to the police as measures of protecting BOTH themselves AND the citizens they serve. there ALSO need to be real consequences for tampering with these, turning them off, etc.

police need more training and they need higher-quality recruits. understaffed departments lead to issues you’ll see in places like flint, where it can take three hours or more for police to respond to a call. not because they’re (most of the time) doing anything wrong, but because there aren’t enough of them in comparison to the total population. this could include decisions like requiring college or college-like degrees, but that would also mean higher pay for police officers. which i realize isn’t a popular idea at the moment, but is a fact of those requirements. (furthermore, many city police in small to mid size cities, not to mention suburban police, don’t have adequate crowd-control training. this is not an excuse for the way police have been handling crowds in recent days, but it is something that has come up in discussions. many of them are reacting with excessive crowd-control measures where lesser measures were needed.) this training should absolutely include recognizing police brutality in the past, the racism in the system as a whole, recognition and response to explicit and implicit bias, recognizing mental health issues, etc. training is a problem every law-enforcement officer i’ve spoken to in the last few weeks, in an attempt to understand what’s happening, has brought up. the people i’ve spoken to have dedicated their lives to establishing mental health education for police, who have actively removed aggressive or racist officers in the past, etc. they’re just as frustrated and angry with the reactions police are displaying as you and i are. and they’re actively doing things to try to help. unions, government, etc make that more difficult than it should be. 

many police, particularly in large cities, don’t live in the cities/neighborhoods they’re policing. (many smaller, particularly suburban, departments require that their officers live in the town they work in.) sometimes this is because they can’t afford to (nypd officers start at around  $42,500/year - about $3,541/month or  $885/week BEFORE tax -  in a city where the median rent for a studio apartment sits at about  $2,700/month. these officers can obviously make more as they spend more time on the force, but that’s the stated starting salary according to their website. the salary after 5 1/2 years is $85,292). this means they don’t know the areas/people/etc they’re policing, are more likely to make snap judgments based on false information, etc. it wouldn’t solve everything, but rules for employment regarding residency could mean better policing in cities and their neighborhoods. 

for a profession that includes seeing things like scenes of murders, assaults, suicides, and wellness checks that lead to decomposing bodies, mental health care for police is abysmal. i mean it’s....bad in the u.s. in general, but it’s notoriously bad for active-duty military, veterans, and first responders...including police. this isn’t to mention that officers who self-report mental health problems are often put on leave rather than given the resources they need. this means compounded stress, trauma, etc, going unaddressed in a highly dangerous and stressful profession.

police DO handle more than they likely SHOULD be handling, including things like wellness checks, nonviolent domestic disputes, etc. more often than not, they’re doing so without specialized training for those situations. these should absolutely be divided out into unarmed (or lightly armed, i.e. with pepper spray etc), specially trained units. you’re still going to want armed police units to exist in the u.s. - - i can tell you for a fact that in my fairly quiet suburban hometown ALONE there have been active shooter/barricade/hostage situations that could not be deescalated without use of force, despite attempts to do so.

qualified immunity needs reform. you can read more about that here. this allows not only for officers to get away with police brutality, but for all public officials to get away with a wide range of crimes. 

we need to campaign for citizens to be integrated into police oversight. police are paid by taxpayer dollars, and they are meant to serve and protect the people. again, this is an issue for your local government and police unions. when you’re communicating with gov’t officials, make it clear that you want something like this implemented. 

and, yes, there need to be strong and immediate consequences for excessive use of force. 

i’m not saying any of this to make it seem like police brutality or the racism inherent in the law enforcement and justice systems doesn’t exist. it does, and it needs to be addressed. what i am saying is that addressing that is a more complex problem that requires deeper thought for successful reform. Black people, particularly men, are at leas 3x more likely to experience police brutality, and that needs to end. 

tl;dr, some things to be aware of, petition for, etc: 

charging and convicting police brutality as a crime (with the understanding that this means it should be treated as any crime in a court of law)

holding all first responders accountable for their actions.

allowing and enabling officers to respond to police brutality they’re witnessing, including training on how to intervene, better reporting methods, policies that would not punish them for reporting, etc 

reform in police unions

better police training in general

national standards for police training (believe it or not, these don’t currently exist)

better mental health care and mental health policies for police and other first responders 

citizen involvement, including in oversight

voting in state and local elections for officials who have plans to respond to these issues, and who are actively listening to their constituents 

reallocation of funding so that the funding is more equally spread to education and community support

Some Sources/ Further Reading: 

“How to reform American police, according to experts” from Vox

Police officer salary and benefits, NY Gov

“Adopt minimum national police use-of-force standards and train cops for interaction” USA Today

“‘An Impossible Situation’: How Chief Arradondo Has Struggled To Change The Minneapolis Police Department” CBS Minnesota

“What We Should Expect of the Police: Experts Weigh In On Recent Police Violence,” Center for American Progress

Police Reform, The Flip Side

The Center for Policing Equity

[climatechangeisreal]

spectrum.

We are all on a spectrum.

mentally physically emotionally

I don’t proofread so continue at your own risk. 

If you are the #grammarnazi this may incite you to do something you might regret. apologies from now.

this is going to read as a thought, so I’ll try my best to use punctuation to share my inflection.

my name is Tierra. I’m from Toronto and you can contact me at info@scscanada.co

first of, what is spectrum?

spectrum, or Spectrum Community Solutions as formerly known by the CRA, is an initiative my partner and I drummed up. spectrum is a beacon of social reform that welcomes any and all voices that speak toward a more sustainable world. 

is spectrum non-profit?

spectrum is a non-profit organization, however our services cannot be free to the public in the current form of our capitalistic market. As we are proponents of sustainability, we ask that the public understand relying on the generosity of the elite is not a sustainable business model if the goal is longevity. 

what is spectrum’s mission?

Our mission is to encourage the development for the culture of sustainability. To do this we need to justifiably incentivize popular opinion with the rewards of sustainability. 

what are the rewards of sustainability?

we aren't certain of what the absolute value of sustainability is, but I have my version of what it could look like and my partner has her’s. I’ll detail mine and I’m always welcome of a rose, bud and thorn but keep in mind it is just a personally influenced hypothetical of ideals. Similar to when you have an ideal goal and work diligently toward achieving it. No one can tell you that your goal is wrong but we compare and contrast what your goal may look like to determine how we collectivize on a larger, more inclusive picture of our goal to sustainability. 

There are many aspects to this, between how schools would operate, their curriculum, to everyone being able to own 100% electric vehicles, to prison reform and police abolition, to eco villages. This part of my thought will be a little chaotic, so I'll apologize ahead of time. I’ll follow the list I just gave...and go from there.

How would school operate? Regarding the younger kids (infant to 17) it is important to have instructors that care, genuinely. Fuck this tenure shit, if you’re a bad teacher, you shouldn’t be one. It baffles me that this isn’t a common thought. Teaching is hard, I’d like to acknowledge the ones that have simply burned out. I know I wasn’t always an easy kid to deal with and I apologize to any of my teachers that I may have pushed too far. I would like to implore you to remember how many other bad ass little kids your teachers dealt with. I used to be an taekwondo instructor and despite the frequent positive impacts that this sport has on the lives of kids that are troubled, violent, have low confidence, etc there are still a few that slip – usually because they’re parents aren’t patient enough and lose interest. It is really easy to lose interest, even as an instructor, in kids who simply do not care. The thought is, this kid needs more, but giving them more means giving the majority less. Why would I do that? These are usually the kids that end up working in relatively shitty jobs. Keep in mind relativity is specific to the person. In my case, I work retail. Even though I’m management level with a low-median salary for Canada, to me it’s a shitty job. So, back to the kids...hiring staff that care doesn't seem to be a problem; not many people endure the six year educational commitment because they hate kids. It’s easier to be a cop (this will reappear in my police abolition thought). The point is to figure out to keep your staff roster bright eyed and bushy tailed. Why aren’t camera’s in classrooms? Could you imagine the impact of giving the administration and parents access to seeing how their children are taught? When you’re able to ask your kid, how was school? They detail an unfavourable interaction with their teacher and now you have a feed to go back to. It would have been incredibly useful for the time I was wrongly suspended in grade 8. My principle had threatened me to admit it because if I didn’t the police would have to get involved and we all have a sense of how favourable the police are of black females that seem provocative. So I said fine. She didn’t detail this to my mom, whom she simply told I pushed a girl thus citing a concussion. I accused her of stealing something, and confronted her. We were surrounded and amped up by fellow classmates. Most of them wanted to see me knock someone out with taekwondo. The girl I accused tried to back out of it and tripped on the bike rack behind her, hitting her head on a man hole covering. I was blamed for that, circumstantially. If the grounds had cameras, either my principal or I would have had proof. Now, how does this contribute to sustainability, Tierra? People get dull. The 25yo parents of a baby become very different when they turn 60 with grandkids. The value of this concept is very applicable to 25yo teachers, especially when they’re kids that aren’t yours and you interpret the lack of impact as lost cause. Then you have the people where teaching is a shitty job, remember relativity. They may act like they don’t want to be there. The impact my grade 10 chemistry teacher gave me the desire to pursue environmental science at that age. My grade 12 chemistry teacher crushed that. Though my grade 12 biology teacher tried to keep it alive, the impact of chem12 was too great and I dropped both of them. If I was able to go to my principle, and tell her, “go to date, time...go forward–there. She would have heard openly him call out my stupidity to the entire class after asking a valid question because I struggled to understand through his teaching style among peers I struggled to develop relationship with because it was my fifth highschool and 20th school in general. I never learned how to create sustainable relationships and because of that at some point I just stopped trying. Perhaps that part is my fault, because at some point phones did become more popular and I could’ve tried. The value of these impacts is what creates those kids who get varyingly shoved into the cracks. You could be an investment banker making $100k a year and feel that your shit is still just shitty, all because your art teacher didn’t try to develop a relationship by rewarding and encouraging all your efforts. The simple gesture of encouraging our local school board to implement cameras in the classroom leads to sustainable retention of interests in kids using accountability. 

Honestly that was a bit longer than I wanted it to be so, if this a concept you have a rose bud and thorn for, please reach out to connect! As for the others in that quick lists, again! connect to get in touch and collaborate on ideas. 

My partner and I are discussing and trying to get some projects off the ground. I’m add and she’s a bit more grounded than I am, so it’s a nice balance. But because I have other obligations which can be affected by further pursuing these ideas, I have to spend some time learning how to be better at time management and efficiency. The problem I see here is that if we’re not talking about, it stops and stagnates. I’m hoping this will reach some people and encourage them to hit us up so that we can keep the discussion going beyond my partner and I. 

check out my shit site...would really appreciate if someone could help we out with that...I’m broke but I’ll try to pay you😌

t

[laurazepamwrites]

The chemicals between us ~ Ch4

‘Ow! Get off you fucking..Hog! Hog get him off! Fucking cunt! Ow!’

Specks of blood dotted on the floor from a freshly split lip as well as a chewed piece of pink gum. A very angry Junkrat struggled under an even angrier Morrison who in turn struggled to pin him down.

‘Jack er...think the Junker boy may have gone from his cell.’ Torbjorns voice came through on his communicator.

‘I know!’ He shouted back, grabbing a metal hand and twisting it round the Junkers back. He felt a part dislodge in his grip. He looked over his shoulder at Jesse who was leaning against the wall seemingly enjoying the show. ‘Why the hell didn't you apprehend him?’

‘Weren't doing nothing but complain.’

Morrison growled in reply. Over Junkrats shouting and cursing he heard someone approach him, he looked up expecting to see Rutledge and a huge fist coming at him, Instead Ana stood beside him looking none too impressed with either of them.

‘I think that's enough now. From both of you.’ She said sternly, her lips a thin line.

‘He escaped his cell and could of done God knows what damage to this place.’

‘Shoulda done you Cunt-OW!’

‘Give me a reason to shoot you here and now Fawkes!’

‘Enough!’ Anas voice cracked like a whip, stilling both men. ‘Jack, get off him. Fawkes get up and stay where you are.’

They begrudgingly replied, Jack cursing under his breath and freeing Junkrat from his grasp. The Junker quickly sprang up, touching his broken lip and inspecting the blood on his fingers.

‘Oh you’re a right cunt mate..’

Ana snapped her fingers at him and scowled. He quickly gave in to her stare and slouched, crossing his arms and pouting like a sullen teenager. He glanced up as Roadhog entered the hallway, he didn't want to make the old lady more angry so resigned to sending Hog an icy glare and mouthing 'fuck you’ at him. Roadhog simply sighed. The Doctor followed behind him. She gave Junkrat a quick glance over, looking a bit too long at his prosthetics for his liking, though it could've been his imagination. She tutted at the mess. ‘Really Commander was that necessary? Our stocks are low as is it. That will need stitches.’ She nodded to Junkrats bleeding lip. 'The fuck it will’ Junkrat retorted, breaking his short lived silence.

‘I will not have blood following you around the base like a breadcrumb trail.’ She stepped aside gesturing to the med bay, ‘If you please.’

‘No.’

‘Rat.’ Roadhog growled a warning.

‘This place fucking sucks! And you!’ Junkrat pointed at Roadhog. ‘You’re meant to be on my side!’

‘Its stitches Jamison..nothing worse than that….’ He replied in a gentler tone.

That had an affect, Junkrat became quiet once again and fidgeted with his prosthetic hand. He caught Roadhogs gaze and glowered back at him. Sensing a touched nerve Ana stepped in, her voice friendly once again. ‘If I may interject. Perhaps Fawkes and Rutledge can stay here until Dr Ziegler finishes her treatment whilst I stay guard. After which both of you be will placed in holding  together .’ She said the last word looking at Morrison, driving home the point that this was not for debate. Jack remained silent and angry.

‘So-so what? We’re gonna be locked up till you get what you want? Which aint fucking happening by the way. Fucking hell Hog, shoulda taken our chances on our own.’ His living hand rubbed the back of his neck whilst metal fingers danced in agitation, he knitted his eyebrows and chewed the inside of his lip well aware of the coppery taste of blood in his mouth. His eyes darted to Roadhog who of course remained silent, he sighed finally relenting and turned to the doctor. ‘Alright fine, just make it quick.’

Sat on the examination table he fidgeted anxiously. He hated doctors, he hated hospitals, he hated the smell, the clinical cleanliness, the cold sterile environment. The sharp tools that cut and slice and pierce. The medicine that makes you feel even worse, makes you drowsy, slow and sluggish leaving you vulnerable to anything. Hated the flashes of memory it invoked. Waking up in a place like this..screaming..doctors and nurses rushing..a woman shouting his name..so much red and pain..pain..pain.  Junkrat gave a sudden jolt in surprise as Roadhog nudged him, bringing him back into the room and the present. The Doctor was watching him patiently, he looked between the two of them, ‘huh?’

‘I said I will need to clean the wound then administer a local anaesthetic, then a couple of stitches. Very simple.’ The Doctor said in a reassuring voice.

‘....Hog.’

‘Its fine.’

Metal fingers fidgeted and anxiety gnawing at his stomach and mind. Angela exchanged a subtle look with Ana.

‘Kay..’ A deep breath in. ‘Okay.’

He begrudgingly allowed the Doctor to clean away as much of the blood as possible despite it still flowing from the deep split in his lip. She gave a sound of approval and picked up a prepared syringe from the small medical trolley nearby. She tapped it with her finger, dispelling any air bubbles and waited for Junkrats permission to continue but he seemed to be purposely looking anywhere but her and the syringe she held. She decided to continue and gently took his chin in her, lifting it up slightly. She felt him tense at her touch, noticed his fists gripping the edge of the examination table, the slight flinch as she administered the anaesthetic. She withdrew, placing the syringe back on it the trolley. ‘There, that should only take a couple of minutes to work then just a couple of stitches. I work fast so shan’t keep you long.’

‘Yeah dont wanna keep the old man waiting love.’ He muttered. His tongue tested the quickly numbing area on his lip.

Angela hesitated slightly. ‘Jamison..? I do have some questions..’

‘Bet you do.’

‘Everyone here is under my care. You may be here for sometime so that includes the pair of you as well. Mr Rutledge tells me Junkertown receives medication for Radiation exposure. Have you had such treatment?’

‘..Yeah.’

‘For how long?’

‘Dunno..since it happened I guess.’

‘And..how old were you when it happened?’

He met her eyes, frowning. He didn't know these people, he didn't trust them. Already he’s had too many questions. In Junkertown you kept your story to yourself, cos everyone already knew it, as you knew theirs. Everyone suffered, everyone lost homes, family, their lives. But one thing he noticed from the outside world is everyone had damn questions. He began to fidget again.

‘I apologise, I will refrain from asking such questions.’ She said softly, noticing his discomfort. She gently touched his broken lip. ‘That should be enough time. Are you ready for me to proceed?’

He gave a shrug, ‘Guess so.’

She was true to her word and finished stitching his lip quickly yet efficiently. ‘There.’ She eventually said, placing down the needle and surgical thread. ‘All done, they will dissolve on their own by which time the wound will be healing nicely. Just be mindful to keep it clean, I don't want to you back here with an infection.’

He grunted in reply. ‘Can I get out of here now?’

‘I would like to take your height and weight before you go.’

‘For fucks sake love..’

A low grumble from Roadhog warned him to mind himself. The Doctor wasn't so bad and her care seemed genuine. ‘Just do it Rat...I did.’

‘Yeah bet you did..top patient were ya?’

‘No sense in being difficult.’

Junkrat threw his hands up. ‘Fine! Then I'm out of here, I hate this place.’

‘Of course.’ The Doctor said politely.

She took his height and weight, noting it on her clipboard. ‘All done, you are quite tall 6’5 in fact but underweight for your height. You should not slouch so much either.’ He rolled his eyes, and slouched in defiance. Roadhog sighed and stood up, he flexed his shoulder grunting at the pain in his ribs. ‘Lets go Rat..’

‘Yay back to the cells..’ He said sarcastically, making for the door which opened as he approached. Outside Morrison and McCree were waiting for him. As he left the room Roadhog turned slightly and looked at Angela. ‘He was five years old.’ He said quietly. The door shut behind him, leaving Ana and Dr Ziegler alone.

‘What are you thinking Angela?’ Ana asked.

‘I’m thinking he’s a traumatized young man who has lived through horrific experiences.’ She sadly replied.

‘Five years old..’ Ana repeated Roadhogs words. ‘How does a child survive in that environment?’

‘I remember watching the news on it. Wasn't there a relief effort? Why wasn't he evacuated?’

‘Their government cut off aid stating the environment too dangerous and the cause lost remember? The only help they got after that were charities which were already stretched world over. A Lot of children got seperated and left behind Angela. The Australian government banned Overwatch's involvement too, even before the tragedy. We wanted a team to be deployed to put forward negotiations to each affected party, but they just wanted peace for their cities and towns. What is a population of five thousand compared to about twenty three million? The UN agreed with their decision and let it pass.’

‘That was cruel, they let their own people suffer. Human and Omnic.’’

‘Australia was nearly wiped out, their government desperate for peace. War presents extremely difficult choices Angela, you know that better than most people.’

Angela sighed sadly. ‘You are right, come then. I suppose we should head to the briefing and if I remember correctly Reinhardt will soon be returning.’ She smiled warmly at Ana.

‘Please Angela, as If I’d forget something so important.’

             ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Winston and Torbjorn were already in the briefing room waiting for their teammates as Ana and Angela entered. ‘You need to get that computer of yours back up to speed.’ Torbjorn gruffly said to Winston as the women joined the table. Winston took his glasses off and began cleaning them. ‘Admittedly Athena needs more work before returning to optimal security performance.’ Replied winston, placing his glasses back on his head. ‘Perhaps you should of put him back when you had the chance..’ he curtly added.

‘Bahh! He was er..too fast for me, in and out like a flash. I called Jack as soon as I saw him.’ Said Torbjorn abit too quickly. Winston smiled slightly and gave a small ‘hmph!’

The door opened once again as Jack and McCree entered the room. ‘Any trouble?’ Ana asked as they joined the table.

‘None, just running his mouth. I've left Genji guarding them.’ Jack said, sitting down. ‘Hana was outside, what if he saw her and she got hurt? And you Torbjorn.’

‘Ah he wasn't gonna hurt no one Jack.’ Torbjorn replied.

‘You can't be sure of that.’

‘Well I might of..spoken to him. But only for second before he ran off mind you!’

Jack raised his eyebrows and gave him a look. ‘Torbjorn..how long was he in the warehouse with you before you decided to call me?’

Torbjorn rubbed the back of his neck with his living hand. ‘Well er..now that I think about it..five minutes?’

Jack stared at him

‘Ten minutes..’

Jack continued to stare, his frown deepening.

‘Twenty minutes Commander..twenty minutes and I let him go in the tool locker.’ He said meekly

‘He blamed Athena Commander!’ Winston pointed at Torbjorn accusingly. Jack leant on his elbows and rubbed his face in exasperation as McCree threw his head back and laughed heartily. ‘Unbelievable’ Jack muttered through his fingers. ‘You are un-fucking-believable Lindholm.’

‘I had my reasons Jack, hear me out. I think the boys pretty smart. He worked out what was wrong with that Mech without barely looking at it. I was testing everything on that thing for over an hour. He waltzes over and gets it in seconds. Says he taught himself mechanics.’

‘Not just that’ Interjected McCree ‘Made his prosthetics too.’

‘What are you getting at Torbjorn?’ Asked Jack

‘I reckon the boy could work with me and Brigitte in the workshop.

Jack sat back in his chair and considered the offer, looking at Ana for her input.

‘He cant stay in that cell forever Jack. Frankly Fawkes is just one thing out of many that we have to deal with, and not the worse by far. He was rude, reckless and angry but when given plenty of opportunity harmed no one. Even after you broke his lip open, very well done by the way.’ She finished sarcastically.

Jack ignored the slight and looked to Dr Zeigler. ‘How was he with you?’

Angela folded her hands neatly in front of her. ‘He was afraid, he especially did not want to be in medical. Rutledge tells me he has a phobia of doctors and hospitals. I expect none the less from two amputations and goodness knows what else. He's also shown symptoms of anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder but this is just from a quick observation and I am no psychiatrist. He is reluctant to answer questions and I don't want to push the matter. In regards to Torbjorns suggestions I think it may work if handled well and he has clear boundaries.

He nodded, acknowledging her opinion. ‘Winston?’

‘What about Zenyatta and Bastion, we can't exactly hide them away?’

‘Simple. Touch the omnics and we kill you.’

‘Seems pretty fair’ said McCree

‘Got anything to say?’ Jack asked him.

‘Plenty since I been where he is now, you gave me a choice. Overwatch or Prison. Offer him the same. He's clearly god damn smart, he clearly can pack a lot of firepower. He comes with a goddamn tank. Reckon he could be an asset if we all play our parts nicely.’

‘He wont agree to working with us.’

‘So then he goes to prison where Talon could get him and whatever he has thats so important. He knows he’s better off here, lets make our lives easier and give him some freedoms. If it really goes up the creek we shoot him.’

‘We pose a threat to him as well Jack. Whatever he has wont be given over night and we will not harm him for it. We are not Talon. This is about trust on both sides, we have to earn his just as much as he needs to earn ours.’ Said Ana.

‘..I think it has potential to work.’ Jack said after a moment of consideration. ‘Could also go horribly wrong. But we do need to focus our attentions elsewhere and soon Ana, we need to debrief on your leads in Iraq and Oasis still. Fine, we’ll put this forward to Fawkes and see what him and his partner think.’ Jack made to move from his seat, when Lena's voice came through the rooms communicator. ‘Commander, vehicle approaching the base. Its Reinhardt and Brigitte.’

‘Send Reinhardt to briefing immediately Oxton.’

‘At once Commander.’ Her voice cut out

‘The rest of you fill him in.’ He told his team. ‘I'm going to get Fawkes.’

               ---------------------------------------------------------------

Once again he was back in a cell. At Least this time Roadhog was with him who sat on the bed watching his younger partner pace back and forth tugging at his hair and rambling to himself. Genji stood vigilant at the end of the hall making sure no one left or entered unauthorized. Roadhog was silent as usual, barely paying attention as Junkrat worked through his anxiety. He’d intervene when needed but for now he just wanted to rest his aching bones. God what he’d do for a hit of Hogdrogen right now. The sound of a metal fist hitting the wall brought his attention back.

‘That a good idea?’

‘Fuck off.’ Junkrat snarled.

‘Already busted, don't make it worse.’

Junkrat stopped pacing and inspected his hand, flexing the fingers. He was glad he was able to fix the synthetic nerves, but the phantom pain still throbbed relentlessly.

‘Yeah well, there's a workshop here. Proper stocked too.’

‘Stumble on it on your little tour?’

His tone made Junkrat narrow his eyes at him. ‘What did you expect me to do? You coulda been dead for all I knew.’

‘Ain't Junkertown here. Different rules. Not everyone's out for blood.’

‘You don't fucking know that. Don't know these people Hog. Look at what that old cunt did!’ He pointed to his split lip.

‘Did that to yourself.’

Junkrat stared at him Incredulously, ‘Did you not see that fucker wipe me out?’

‘Yeah, saw that. But it was your fault. Shoulda stayed put.’

‘I was fucking worried-!’

‘I was fine. You got upset and stupid. You know that's not a good mix. Shoulda stayed put and waited.’

Junkrat cursed and began pacing again, pausing to look at Roadhog. ‘Not staying here mate.’

‘Then give them what they want.’

‘Nah not happening.’

‘Then you have little choice.’

Junkrat moved closer to hog, lowering his voice. ‘If.. if I give it to them the first thing they’ll do is dump us at the nearest Cop shop.’

‘So don't give it to them.’

‘But then we’re fucking stuck here!’ He exclaimed, kicking the bed with his metal peg. ‘Fucking cunting hell mate I just wanted to sell it and live like a king. Didn't know how important it was, didnt know how dangerous-!’ He stopped himself, covering his mouth and returned to his pacing. Roadhog was watching him intently.

‘Just what the fuck do you have Rat..?’

‘Oh you suddenly care? Didn't even ask that when you agreed to protect me. Fuck mate, never even asked for that share.’

Roadhog grunted, ‘Got plenty from our heists.’

‘Yeah but….that was after the bar. Why the fuck did you help me back then?’

Roadhog was quiet for a long time before answering. ‘Had my reasons.’

‘Yeah like what?’

Before he could answer footsteps from down the hall drew their attention, Roadhog stood up gently moving Junkrat to step behind him as Morrison approached their cell and stopping outside Pulse rifle in his hands. He pushed a code into the control panel on the wall, the laser bars disappearing as the cell opened. ‘We’re ready for you.’ He said.

The briefing room was large, a circular table in the middle with a projection device in the centre. Junkrat walked down the steps taking note of those already seated around the table. Ana and the Monkey were there, as well as McCree and Torbjorn and Dr Zeigler. A old bearded giant of a man with a large scar over a missing eye sat at the table to Ana’s left. ‘Fuck me mate, thought you were big.’ Junkrat muttered over his shoulder to Roadhog. Morrison directed them to a couple of vacants seats. Junkrat smiled at Morrison with a hint of smugness and slouched down on the chair with his arms crossed acting like a schoolboy called to the head teachers office. He considered putting his feet up on the table but even he thought that might be pushing it too far. Roadhog didn't even bother attempting to sit down and chose to stand behind Junkrat. The room was silent as Morrison walked around the table sitting on Anas right and opposite the Junkers.

He nodded to the newcomer ‘This is Reinhardt Wilhelm. One of Overwatch's most prominent members and it's to my understanding you've met Torbjorn already..’ Torbjorn at least had the grace to look uncomfortable. ‘Now..’ said Jack, folding his hands on the table and addressing the Junkers. ‘It seems you may be here for sometime, you can leave of course once you give us what Talon want-’

‘Not giving ya anything mate!’

Jack held his hand up, signalling to the Junker to be quiet. ‘I understand now this will be long and delicate process. And at least whilst you are here Talon get nothing so there is that. The question is what do we do with you. I can’t waste my resources and team guarding your cell day and night and clearly you got a knack for escaping them.’ Junkrat giggled softly to himself as Jack regarded him for a moment and then sighed. ‘Fawkes, the world is on a brink of a second crisis. It's already started in Russia and Talon is somehow pulling the strings. I don't know how you play into this, I don't think you even know. But you are apart of this now, and you can help. There is a war coming and you need to choose a side.'

‘I don’t give a fuck about the world mate. It didn't give a fuck about us.’

‘So you would see it burn out of spite? Look Fawkes I understand you’re resentment, I also agree with you. Your government sold the outback settlers out.’ Jack tapped the table ‘You can make a contribution here. God knows you are due comeuppance after your multitude of crimes. Torbjorn informs me you have talent, and you are certainly smarter than you make out to be so here’s what we propose: You work with Torbjorn in the workshop. The base needs repairs as well as armor and weapons. Put your skills to a worthwhile cause, do that and we will give you certain freedoms here.’

Junkrat tilted back on his chair and narrowed his eyes at Morrison, weighing up his words. Eventually he leant back forward and flashed a grin. ‘Sorry mates, not interested.’ Roadhog growled deeply ‘ For fucks sake!’    He thought to himself. ‘  Idiot don't know a good thing when he sees it.’ He lifted one huge finger, signalling to Morrison for one moment before suddenly grabbing Junkrat by the arm and lifting him with ease off the chair and dragging him to the back of the room, ignoring his partners kicking, punching and cursing. He let go and waited as Junkrat straightened himself up, ‘What in the actual fuck Hog?!’ He snarled at him.

‘You really are a fucking idiot you know that?’ Roadhog growled pointing a large finger into his face.

‘This is a glorified prison! I aint doing shit for them!’

‘Then you don't get to do anything! Think Rat. You can't handle being bored and what's the alternative? An actual prison or death? Just ignore that voice in your head that tells you to be an absolute shit to authority and just  think. ’

‘I aint fucking Overwatch mate, its for heroes and let's face it, we’re not exactly upstanding citizens!’

‘Neither are they anymore. This is illegal but in a..good way. Wasn't long ago you wanted to go legit remember?’

‘I remember it being your idea…’

‘Stop being stubborn.’

‘I'm not! I just..I don't..’ He rubbed the back of his neck looking towards the table, Morrison was whispering something to Ana. ‘Don’t trust him Hog..don’t trust any of them. They think I’ll just roll over and do what they want? What am I gonna get out of it? Haven't even got a con…’ His eyes lit up as a sudden golden thought filled his mind. ‘I fucking got it!’ He laughed, running back to the table and slamming both his hands on it. ‘A contract!’ He declared. ‘You want me here? You make it worth my while. Hire me and Hog for whatever you want blown up or killed and I guess I can help fix up some of your stuff.’

Jack leant towards him ‘And what exactly do you want in return Fawkes.’

‘Let's say you somehow defeat Cobra or whatever you call it and you save the fucking world. Pretty sure you’ll be in the UNs good books again after that, If that happen I want our criminal records totally wiped clean. Total fucking Immunity mate!’

‘Anything else?’

‘Yeah, I get to make me bombs here.’

‘Absolutely not!’

‘Look mate-!’

Ana raised her hand. ‘We negotiate the terms of this contract . ’ She looked between the two men. ‘And there must be give and take from both sides for this to work. Do we all understand?’ Both men reluctantly nodded. ‘Good’ she said curtly, ‘then let us begin.’

Over an hour was spent arguing and debating the terms, there was a lot of cursing and even a couple of threats. Finally though after what felt like a lot of back and forth a contract was written upon which all parties agreed on, albeit begrudgingly. Junkrat was to use his skills to aid the reformed Overwatch and In time when he saw fit he would share what Talon sought but the issue was not to be forced. Overwatch would give him and Roadhog protection and not to surrender him to authorities. Should the UN ever reinstate Overwatch they would put forward full Immunity for the pair. Whilst on base Junkrat and Roadhog were to be given accommodation with access to the common room and other living amenities, restricted access was allowed for the training barracks, armoury, labs and workshop under supervision. He could make blueprints for his bombs and make the shells, but anything explosive would need to be tested in the weapons barracks where the only one who could be hurt was him. Much arguing was had over the subject of the Omnics, Junkrat wanting to be done with them and scrapping them for parts before they got to him first. Finally with interjecting from Roadhog and the promise of being shot by Morrison and McCree he very reluctantly agreed to leave the bots alone on the condition they do they same.

‘So we are in agreement.’ Said Ana writing up the last of the contract and handing the pen to her Commander. ‘Jack if you may sign.’

‘This is gonna be interesting..’ McCree muttered to Winston sitting next to him. The Gorilla frowned, ‘Or a huge mistake.’ He replied.

Morrison signed the paper and got up from his seat walking around the table and placing the contract in front of the Junker. Junkrat gave him a shit eating grin as he took the pen from him, signing with messy handwriting and even drawing a smiley face. He stood up to his full height and faced the Commander. ‘Pleasure doing business with ya mate.’ He said and held his metal hand out to Morrison. Jack regarded the metal prosthetic before begrudgingly shaking the junkers hand. ‘ What the hell have I just done?’   he thought.