#it’s the coming off as hot headed and overly emotional because of the inability to express myself and my opinions calmly

[pwurrz]

*looks at all the similarities between me and kaveh*

*slowly adds him to my kin list*

[justcallmenikki7]

BTS Reaction To: Drunk Mafia BTS

Summary: your mafia boyfriend gets drunk and shows a different side to them.

Warnings: hurt/comfort, angst, crack, alcohol consumption, mean!Namjoon, crying!Jungkook, mentions of sexual undertones, cute but annoying drunk Hoseok, mafia!au (but not really mentioned mafia), emotional Yoongi who needs readers love and reassurance, cute Jimin.

W.C.: 2.4k

Request: hi!! can you do a drunk bts mafia reaction?

Notes: Like I’ve said before, I love Mafia requests.

Jin:

You knew that you should not have left Jin alone with his brothers for thirty minutes.

You knew that leaving his side so you can go and talk to Jisoo about girl stuff, leaving Jin unattended with his brothers, especially the maknae when there is alcohol involved was a no-go. But you did it anyways, so now you are here – dealing with a flirty Jin who has one too many drinks in his system.

“You’re so pretty,” Seokjin cooed, body weight leaning into yours as you walked him to the car. “But!” He announced loudly, shocking you. “I haves a girlfriend, ACTUALLY! A fiancée. So, my compliments need to stop. I-It’s just that you look so much like her, that it is uncanny.” He rambled. “You even have the same, comfy, soft boobs! Are you her doppelganger?” Seokjin asked with a curious voice – a voice that does not suit his mafia boss persona.

Laughing at his question, “No, Jinnie, I’m Y/N. The actual her.” Mouth dropping wide in astonishment, “No way! Baby!” He yelled, flying into you, sending the both of you to the ground. But even in his drunken state, his reflexes still worked, and he turned you guys around to where he took the beating of the ground while you fell onto his chest. “Ooo, I like this position,” he said cheekily, smiling up at you.

“Of course, you do, you drunk.” You chuckled, “Now, get up. We need to get your drunk ass home.”

Yoongi:

The sound of breaking glass was what caught your attention from the book you were reading. Closing the book, you put it aside to see if the sound would repeat again, which it did. The breaking glass was coming from above you, which is where your boyfriend’s office was. Standing up, you quietly, but quickly, made your way up the stairs, slowly hearing the curses and angry words coming from your boyfriends’ mouth. Once you got to the office door, you quietly knocked on the door, silencing all of the commotion on the other side of the door.

The door opened, showing the distressed man in front of you. Trying to hide his tears, he turned around and made his way over to his desk, silently telling you that you can come in.

“Yoongi, what’s wrong?” You asked softly, walking up behind him, putting a few feet between you guys.

“Nothing. Why do you ask?” He replied, being short with you.

Spotting the bottle of whisky on his desk, you connected the dots that he is stressed since whisky is his escape drink.

“Well,” you started off, “There’s broken glass on the floor from you throwing it, whisky on the desk, and you’re obviously crying. So, something is wrong.”

“Wow, why would you ask me since you apparently know what’s going on.” He snapped, turning around to look at you, eyes blank.

Taking a few steps back, you coiled in on yourself by his harshness. Realizing that he wants you to leave him alone, you respected his wishes. “I’ll leave you alone then. I just wanted to check up on you.” You bowed, turning around and leaving.

Before you could walk out the door, you felt a soft grip on your arm, pulling you back.

“Please don’t leave.” Yoongi asked, voice raspy. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Not saying anything, you pulled your boyfriend into a hug. Your actions caused your boyfriend to breakdown, shocking you at the sight. The most dangerous man in the underworld, the one who scares the law itself, was falling apart in your arms for a reason you do not know.

Hoseok:

“And a BOOP!”

Trying to stay calm, you watched the finger – for the twentieth time – come in contact with your nose. Your eyebrow twitched from irritation. Surprisingly you were keeping your composure really well. You were not blowing up on your boyfriend yet.

But the thing that you do not get is how the man who can kill a person with a smile on his face, not even flinching, can act so childish and love messing with your nose whenever he is drunk.

It is like trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll.

“Your nose is so cute!” Hoseok squealed, face moving close to you, breaking your personal bubble boundary, “It has a little arch to it!” He added, a squeal evident in his tone.

That was a new one, you concluded.

“Can I run my finger over your nose?” He asked, voice innocent.

Releasing a sigh, a sigh that seemed to be very offensive that Hoseok took to heart. “Are you mad at me?” He sniffled, looking away to hide his face.

“No, Hobi.” You reassured softly, “I’m just getting a little irritated, but I am not mad at you, I promise.”

Sniffles growing louder, you realized that you messed up.

“I’M ANNOYING YOU?!”

Fuck.

Before you could say anything else, your body was met with the couch while your boyfriends body was thrown on top of yours. ‘I’m sorries’ were spewing out of his mouth rapidly, body shaking from the sobs racking over his body.

“Yes! You can run your finger over my nose.” You said, hoping it will calm him down.

As if a light switch was turned off, your boyfriend immediately stopped crying, a huge smile gracing his face. “Yay! Thank you!” His finger running over your nose, face morphed into a concentrated look.

Namjoon:

When you walked into your home, your sense of smell was met with alcohol – mainly whiskey and cigars.

“Oh no,” you whispered to yourself, preparing yourself for what was possibly going to happen.

Namjoon is drunk by now, and this only happens when he is overly stressed, or in need of an outlet for his anger. So, a drunk Namjoon equals an angry drunk Namjoon. You have only seen this side of him just once, and it was not pretty.

You did not speak to Namjoon for a week because of it.

He promised you he would not seek comfort from alcohol ever again – but he broke his promise.

Walking into the living room, you found your boyfriend sitting in the single sofa chair, the top three buttons of his dress shirt undone, showing the caramel skin of his chest. But his beautiful sight was ruined when you saw the whiskey bottle sitting on the side table with the cigar on the ash tray, and a glass of whiskey in his ring clad hand.

“I am surprised you have not started yelling yet,” Namjoon mocked, interrupting your train of thought. “Last time I drank, you freaked out on me.”

Taken aback by his words, “I didn’t freak out on you? Plus, I am not going to now. I am curious on why you are drinking, whiskey especially.”

“Oh, so am I not allowed to drink certain alcoholic drinks?” He asked, sarcasm and mockery laced in his words. “Wow, you’re more controlling than I thought.”

You could feel your heart break at his words, eyes stinging from the tears that are wanting to spill. “Wow. Um, okay.” You said, not knowing what words to use. You were beating yourself up mentally from how weak you are and your inability to stand up for yourself. So, choosing the cowardly way out, you turned around and made your way to the guess room that was in your house, locking the door and hiding yourself in there.

Jimin:

Sitting at the booth in the bar, you listened to your best friend Yoonji vent about her and Namjoon’s relationship.

Tonight, was club night with the boys.

Having a boyfriend who is a mafia boss that owns his own private club was awesome, especially during parties. Not having to pay and wait in line was awesome, drinks and food was free, and the best of all – sitting in the VIP section away from the drunk people.

“I just wish that he would make more time for me,” Yoonji stressed, eyes tearing up. “I feel so alone sometimes…” She trailed off, taking a gulp from his glass.

A frown was on your face, watching your friend cry was one of the worst things ever. Before you could add your opinion in, you felt a body that was all too familiar fall on top of you. A pair of lips attached theirs to yours, shocking you from the abruptness.

“My Love!” Your boyfriend announced, a drunken grin of his face, cheeks tinted red from the alcohol he has been drinking. “I have missed you so MUCH!” He stated, lips now turned downwards.

“I’ve missed you too, Jiminie.” You replied back, honesty laced in your words. “But, I’m talking with Yoonji here,” you motioned towards your friend, your boyfriends head whipping around quickly to look at her.

“Ooops! I’m sorry Yoonji!” He apologized truthfully, head turning back towards you. “Is it okay if I lay my head on your lap while you talk with Yoonji? My head hurts, and I PROMISE! I won’t speak of anything that you guys say to Namjoon!” He promised, sticking his pinky in the air towards you.

“Wait, what?” Yoonji asked in shock. “How do you know we are talking about Namjoon?”

“Cause silly! You just admitted to it,” Jimin giggled, already making himself comfortable on your lap. “Plus, the both of you came in upset, so it’s kinda obvious that you two are arguing.”

And that was the last thing your boyfriend said before he was lulled into a deep sleep.

Looking up at Yoonji, you gave her an apologetic smile. “Jimin’s extra blunt when he’s drunk?”

Taehyung:

As you conversed with your boyfriend’s gang members girlfriends, you could feel the heavy stare on your back from your boyfriend. You knew that you looked hot – thanks to the constant compliments and love that your boyfriend gives you everyday has helped with your self love. Wearing a sexy, but appropriate dress to the ball that was thrown by an ally mafia gang was a good idea because it was messing with your boyfriend. You knew the little things that riled up your boyfriend of three years – and this dress was one of them; especially when he had alcohol in his system.

“Um, Y/N?” Madison, Jungkook’s girlfriend of seven months spoke, catching your attention.  

“Hm?”

“Taehyung is I think glaring at you,” She said nervously.

Smiling at her innocence, “Oh, is he?” You asked, turning around to look at your boyfriend who just finished downing his glass of wine. When the two of you made eye contact you gave him a gentle smile and he winked at you. You could see that he has had a lot to drink due to the flush of his cheek and aura that he was giving off.

“He literally has been undressing you with his eyes all night.” Suri commented, bringing a blush to your cheeks from her bluntness.

“And you are right,” Taehyung admitted, surprising you from his sudden appearance. His strong arms wrapped around you, pulling you into his chest, head ducking down to nuzzle into your neck. His breath smelt like alcohol and cigarettes as he pressed kisses to you neck. “You’ve looked so beautiful all night that I got turned on.”

“You’ve smoked a cigarette?!” You yelled, shocking the girls and Taehyung.

“What? No, baby—”

“Do not ‘baby’ me,” your voice came out deadly. “You told me you quit!” You accused, glaring at your boyfriend who looked scare, something that you will later laugh at since he is the biggest mafia boss in the world.

“I did. I just had two with Jackson and Namjoon!”

Not wanting to make a bigger scene, you walked away with a nervous and apologetic Taehyung.

“He’s totally not getting anything tonight,” Suri chuckled into his cup of wine.

“$20 he is,” Jisoo, Jimin’s friend had bet.

“You’re so on.”

Jungkook:

“Ugh, another fucking voicemail,” Jungkook grumbled drunkenly. “Y/N, this is my hundredth voicemail, when will you answer? Please answer. I’m sorry that I snapped and scared you. I know that I acted out irrationally during the argument. You’re right, I am childish and short tempered, but that doesn’t give me the excuse to say what I said and act how I acted. Wait? Did I say that right? hopefully because I want to make this right with you. I love you, Y/N, and I know that I have a suckish way of showing it, but I do. You’re the light in the darkness that I live in. never would I have thought of meeting you, meeting love in this Mafia world. I just want, need, you back, baby. Please come back to me,” Jungkook stopped, the sobs taking over him. The scary realization of losing you might be coming true. “Please give me one more chance to make this right.”

And with that, he hung up.

On the other side of the city, you listened to the voicemail that Jungkook had sent to you, tears streaming down your face and blurring your vision, your mind already being made up. Putting on a bra and shoes, you grabbed your purse and made your way to Jungkook’s mansion. When you pulled up, you were met with Phil and Leo at the gate. The two guards gave you smile, relief filling their eyes.

Walking into the mansion, you were met with a disastrous living room that had glass and frames on the carpet. A sigh escaped your lips as you realized that you had of fixing up to do.

“I am this drunk that I am imagining you standing right in front of me?” Jungkook asked, scaring your soul out of your body it felt like.

“It’s actually me, Kook.” You giggled, eyes tearing up at the relieved look in Jungkook’s eyes.

One minute his was on the stairs and the next he was squeezing you into his chest.

“You’re back,” he croaked. “Thank God, you’re back to me.”

[burnedbyshoto]

scoops

— In what was to be a summer of excitement, love, and adventure, you’re doomed to a summer working a job to pay some bills. But hey, who said romance still wouldn’t find a way to work while working at Scoops Ice Cream Parlor? —

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pairing: kaibara sen x reader

warnings: fluff, cursing, modern!au, ice cream shop!au

word count: 6,361

a/n: this is for the bnharem summer collab!!!! I am so very tired, when am I not at this point... um... yes, kaibara is def my fav class 1-b boy, sorry not sorry.

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The best part about summer… well, you really couldn’t begin to list what you loved about it. There was no bad part about summer. Sure, the days were hot and humid, but they were long and bright for so long you could go and do things for countless hours. You were able to stay out in the sun and feel the heated rays against your skin — road trips with friends and days when you had no sleep and those when you only slept.

Summer was indeed the best time of the year.

This summer was supposed to be the best, with your saved money from working at the student store for this last semester, you were ready to go places with your friends. Explore the unknown all in the name of youth.

There indeed wasn’t anything better about this time of the year than that. 

Cute clothes, cute bathing suits, and cute accessories, as you trailed out of your classroom with your final finally done and completed, you were ready to zoom on toward home.

This was going to be the best summer ever, you thought, your heart racing in anticipation at the thought of your best friend pulling up at your home with a car full of friends. Your parents waving you off as you descended into the purpling and pink sky with nothing but an uproarious scream and celebration.

You really hoped you’d find someone attractive… maybe a summer fling?!

You giggled at the thought, your face warming even more under the deep sun rays, your body avoiding passing commuters.

This was going to be your summer!

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“You’re… you’re kidding me,” you deadpanned staring at your mother, who was in a full-body cast. 

She looked at you with a sheepish emotion on her face, her eyes full of sorrow yet no pain. The moment you had gotten home and had switched from your finals outfit to something more practical, you had gotten a phone call from the hospital. It seems that your mother, in all her clutz, had tumbled down the staircase at her work. Through this, she managed to break both arms and legs, two ribs and broke her collarbone. 

“M… Mom,” you groaned at the way she was laughing in total embarrassment; after all, miraculously, she was in little pain despite being hospitalized. “How did this happen?! Why did you — oh my god…” 

“There was a mosquito flying by my head, and well… I tripped and fell,” she laughed loudly, smiling in gratitude when the nurse came to adjust her pillows. 

“Why were you even leaving the office?! It isn’t even lunchtime for you, and you always eat lunch on the roof?” you questioned more, your arms folding across your arms. 

“Well, um… you know how there have been cuts at the office, I just… I was let go,” she whispered in a small voice, face twisted with embarrassment and shame. While you wanted to feel sorry for your mother because after all, she had suffered horrendously, there was a quick realization of what those words meant.

Medical insurance was now gone.

“How are we going to pay for this?!”

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Having to wave your friends away with tears rolling down your face was hard. Their faces sullen at the fact that you had handed over your entire job savings to begin paying off the massive debt your mother built in a single minute. You also knew you couldn’t return to your job at the university, they were closed during this time.

There wasn’t much you could even find while looking around. Your resume wasn’t strong enough to earn jobs that would help your future career, not when competing against graduate students. The local shops and malls were already filled to completion; they always prioritized the highschoolers anyways. 

You had almost thought it was pointless to even be searching until you stumbled across a corner ice cream parlor. It was the closest ice cream parlor to your house, and if you thought hard enough, you definitely remembered coming when you were small, and fortunately for you, they were hiring on the spot.

So here you were, in an old t-shirt, shorts, an apron fastened on, and your hair free from your face. The owner of the ice cream parlor showed you around, pointing at the different things that were lying about. He was a simple tour guide, he had told you, a simple introduction to what was lying about. Your coworkers would be the ones to teach you how to create the unique menu items, teach you how to work behind the scenes. 

The smile on your face was stiff and very unnatural as he showed you about, stories of the old employee he had that had quit on him because they were moving suddenly. It was apparently a struggle for him to find willing workers at this time. He was also sure to name off the three other employees that worked here, and by the sounds of it, two of the three names were retired people who were so bored that they sought out a low-stakes job.

“Ah, there he is!” he exclaimed, his hands thrusting outwards as a tall, dark-haired man emerged from the back, a gallon of ice cream in his hands while he looked lost in thought. “This is Kaibara Sen! My youngest…er, second youngest employee now! He will be handling your training, he is very competent and well… a much better explainer than I am!” 

You tried not to stare too much at the man, but he was for lack of a better term, beautiful. Dark hair, brown eyes, and a look on his face that just told you he definitely did not want to be here… it was basically love at first sight for you. 

“Kaibara, this is y/l/n, our newest member of the family here at Scoops!” the owner exclaimed, his cheeks warm and his body brimming with excitement. “Please explain everything, I have to go now! My daughter should be out of school, and I have to go pick her up!”

You watched in silent awkwardness as the man picked up all his items and rushed out of there without a single word. Smiling awkwardly, you returned your attention to Kaibara, who was studying you without saying a word. Your smile began to pinch at your cheeks, the strain of the faux smile beginning to tire you out to completion while he changing the empty gallon of ice cream for the new one — you had to will yourself from staring at the very, very nicely toned arms of his. 

“Hold this,” he spoke, his voice low and flat, almost entirely passive and bored while he pushed the empty cardboard into your arms. You hitched a breath in your surprise, your head nodding in your overall confusion. 

The tub was cold in your arms, contradicting the overall harsh rays of the sun. You watched as he turned on his heel, moving back to the door, and you stayed put, your eyes wide in confusion and your increasing inability to stop checking him out. “Are you going to stand there all day, or are you going to follow?”

Blood flooded to your face in your embarrassment, your head dropping while you rushed after him.

Needless to say, your first day on the job was an interesting one.

While your first impression of Kaibara was that he was hot enough to melt you into a puddle, you found yourself at a quick and immovable realization that he was an overall dick. He was disgustingly bland, his tone only riling you up when he crudely pointed out your mistakes and issues. He had explained to you in five minutes how the entire ice cream parlor worked — yes, in five minutes, and yes, he expected that you memorized and retained all that information.

Refill the ice cream when there’s only five centimeters left. Don’t touch the soft-serve ice cream machine because it often broke. Don’t flirt with any customers, don’t destroy the whip cream swirls on the ice cream sundaes. Don’t ever go into the freezer without someone knowing, don’t forget to clean the counters every hour if it isn’t that busy, don’t forget… well, you got it. There were many don’t’s in his vocabulary surrounding the rules and regulation of this ice cream parlor. Furthermore, he had thrown you to the wolves because the moment he finished up the rules here at Scoops where they ‘live to bring a lick of happiness one scoop at a time,’ a customer had walked in and of course, because beginners luck was not a thing, ordered the hardest thing on the menu.

Your back had never been sweatier, and your arms trembled as he practically breathed down your neck. There was no stopping this incessant mother birding of his, and your ears seared with heat when he called you out for every mistake you made.

“I thought I told you to not do that!” he muttered just loud enough for the customer to ask with worry if everything was okay. 

The second you had handed of the quad-layered ice cream sundae that was most definitely a kickstarter to diabetes did you almost collapse in gratefulness of being done with that wretched thing. The customer did, however, frown significantly at the sight of the very ugly sundae, and you wanted to collapse in your failure. 

The two of you were not… compatible coworkers, and that was apparent as the summer sun while the day went on.

He ridiculed your every technique, he frowned at the way your voice pitched when you welcomed customers, scoffed when you were overly sweet because he would love to see you being that kind in a month, and he glared a hole through your head the moment you tried to socialize while there was nothing to do.

So when the summer sun had set for the night and your arm burned from the repetitive and laborious action of scooping ice cream all day, you walked out of Scoops with a wavering bottom lip. This was going to be a long summer.

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“For someone who’s been here a whole year more than me, I’d’ve thought you were better than this,” you sang, pocketing the extra cash you got as a bonus for the fantastic and helpful review you had gotten on Yelp. Yes, America’s disaster of an app had finally made its way to Japan, and three weeks ago, your boss said anyone with a useful review on top of a five-star recommendation would get a bonus. You were always getting it. “What was that you were saying when I first began? Don’t suck? Hm, well, I think you need to get that under control on your own part.”

Kaibara rolled his eyes so hard you swore you could hear him do it. You tried not to allow the prideful smirk to become too apparent while you went about your shift reorganizing the front of the store. You had just managed through a demanding crowd of children, couples, and the elderly, and it was a mess. 

It had only been the two of you today, too (the owner only worked the register, leaving the two of you to make the orders). While there was no getting along for either of you, there was a good work ethic between you that allowed you to work efficiently together. But of course, the teasing and taunting from your voice while you graciously took the extra cash made Kaibara seethe.

It was an unspoken, spoken competition between the two of you, and to make things worse for the environment between everyone, the both of you sorely got along. 

He had called you incompetent, you called him lazy. He called you a useless employee, you called him fifth-rate at best. There was just a lot of tension between you and the man you had once thought was painfully attractive.

“It doesn’t count when you beg customers for the comment. Of course, they’re gonna take pity on you and your ass life; why do you think people give spare change to the homeless?” Kaibara smoothly stated, his fingers digging the cleaning rag harder onto a piece of fallen dried, sticky ice cream.

You nearly cracked the waffle cones in your gloved hands.

“At least I’m the one with the extra cash in your pocket!”

“It fell out actually, free change now,” Kaibara stated, pointed at the rolled money on the floor and quickly scooping it from the floor well before you could snatch it. 

Your face twisted when you ended a near chest to chest with him, his eyes seeming to read you entirely while you definitely met his gaze, yet also managed to look cities away. Your upper lip curled with your frustration, and you shoved his chest, grabbing at the money in his hand.

Unfortunately for you, he was both quicker than you, stronger than you, and taller than you. He merely rose his clenched fist well above his head and smirked at how your face blanched at his actions.

“You’re a fucking dick!” you yelled, your hands latching onto his bicep and pulling down with all your strength. “Give me my damn tip!”

“It was on the ground, it’s finders keepers,” was his smooth response, his arm somehow freakishly strong enough to fight off your full weight and stay defiantly up. 

Well, you definitely understood why no one liked working with the two of you, you were both annoying together. 

“Kaibara Sen, if you don’t give me back my damn money right now, I will—” you were interrupted by how his lips pulled past his teeth into a fierce, biting grin.

“You’ll what? Punch me? It hasn’t hurt the last ten times you’ve tried.” He taunted you with no mercy, his head tilting just the slightest bit to further his point and to have your blood pumping yet again.

“That’s only because I wasn’t trying before!” you counter, your fingers pressing into his palm, your nails beginning to dig into his flesh while he tried not to let on that it hurt.

“You’ll have a friend of yours write a five-star review for you, and write a complaint about me?” he asked, bringing back to light the one time that your friends left not one, but fifteen five-star reviews. Of course, a handful of them had also decided to include that they were not happy with the treatment they received from Kaibara — not that it was possible given that they were not anywhere near here. 

“Well, I didn’t know they were going to do that! All I was doing was exchanging stories about how I was working while they were all out having fun!” you attempt to defend, but it sounds weak because well, it happened.

“Ah, okay, I’ll try to remember that when I have my friends doing the same to you,” Kaibara sarcastically smiled, his arm finally dropping so that his fist was in your face, but it still remained defiantly closed. “I mean it’s only fair, and they didn’t abandon me on a whole summer long getaway!”

“I told them it was okay to leave, you jerk!” you grit out, your fingers trying to slip under his so that you could rip the money from his hand, but yours were beginning to sweat.

“Ouch, a jerk? Don’t hurt my feelings, please y/n, it’s making me tear up,” Kaibara sighed, his eyes very much interested in the way you were failing to get his fingers to open up.

“D-Don’t call me y/n! We are not friends enough for you to try acting casual with me!”

“Should I call you y/l/n-sama instead?”

“W… WHAT?!”

“Yeah, sounded weird to me too. I mean, after all, I don’t garner any respect for you, so why would I use that, to begin with!”

If you were a bird, you were absolutely positive that your feathers would be bristled and standing while you glared up at Kaibara with a near snarl on your lips. He matched your glare, his typically passive eyes ignited while the both of you neared in this hate-filled magnetism. 

“Would you two please stop! This is the time for summer flings! Not swinging fists!” 

The both of you whirled around to see your practically sobbing employer watch on with tears rolling down his face. He had been the most disheartened at the fact that both you did not get along at all, it was his biggest regret he had said many times over. While both of you did not fly twenty meters apart, Kaibara’s fist relaxed, and you managed to retrieve your money back from him with a satisfied ‘hmph’ before turning around.

Really you knew both of you together were insufferable. But to your credit, both of you were always civil in front of the customers. Well, at least polite enough for no one to speak up. But as you returned to your place by the corner to continue cleaning with your rag, you couldn’t help but look behind you at Kaibara, who was also staring back at you.

What an insufferable prick!

He stared at you, his lips pressing into a smile that you refused to admit made your heart hammer just the slightest bit faster in your chest, and the moment he caught on, the smile became a smirk before his tongue stuck out, and his finger pulled at his eye — or in other words, he threw you an Akanbe… well, your boss then had a ten-minute talk about how it was not okay to throw dirty rags at your coworkers.

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It wasn’t that Kaibara didn’t like you.

No, of course not, there was no point in garnering unpleasant feelings towards someone who didn’t matter to him at the end of the day, but sometimes… sometimes he really thought you being a piece of shit just to enact rage and violence from him. After all, as part of working at the ice cream parlor, their break time leisure was always brought with a free sundae with whatever you wanted because you worked, and tips were only really brought in by the rare American tourist.

But you were doing this on purpose. 

“I want to add a caramel and chocolate drizzle, don’t forget to add peanuts… should I get whipped cream??? Is there enough??? I know we used almost half of our weekly supply on one kid?” Kaibara watched as you stroked your chin, ordering your custom-made sundae while you created this sugar-sweet dessert based on what he hated to create. “You know what… yes, I want some whipped cream, but I also thought that you could maybe smash it up like at Cold Stone? It makes it easier to eat.”

“I’ll spit in your ice cream if you make me do that.” Kaibara deadpanned, his fingers twitching on the serving spoons. If he was going to smash your toppings on the counter, he just cleaned, he was going to throw this in your face.

“And violate Healthcode Section 242?!” you gasped loudly, almost offended that he would do such a thing, and he wondered if you were pulling a number out of your ass. “Do it, I dare you! I really would like to have you replaced!”

He watched you triumphantly stick your nose in the air, your lips set in a victorious grin, but he just sighed. “You’re a fucking pain in my ass.”

You seemed to have expected that from him, but you still played it off in a shocked manner with your hands pressing to your cheeks in your horrified expression.

“Oh thank goodness, I thought for a second there you were going to say something horrendously rude!” you laugh, your hands stretching out for your finished sundae, and he watched your tongue wet your lips while you brought it close to you. “My mom tells me that all the time, and she’s still in a full-body cast.”

“And that’s relevant because?” he asked, his eyes blinking slowly, his head tilting in his faux boredom — he wouldn’t admit it, but he was never bored with you around.

“Nope, totally irrelevant! But I figured your life is so boring that my daily news about my bedridden mother must be like what Fashion Week is for Youtubers,” you chide, walking over to an empty table and plopping down on the chair with overdramatic confidence and slight exhaustion.

“I think maybe you should stop talking and eat that ice cream before your break is over.” he returned, his hip pressing into the cold counter while he cleaned up the small mess he had made creating your monster of a snack.

“You’re probably right… your small brain needs a break.”

Your words were nothing new, but he still stared at you with a growing smirk while you brought your spoon of ice cream to your mouth and took your first big satisfying bite… well, that was until you tasted it. “EW! HEY! KAIBARA! THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY SUNDAE?!”

“I added cherry sauce.” He shrugged, his arms folding across his chest while your face fell, your spoon digging into the sweet cream to shove the black sauce, which was not chocolate, to the side.

“THAT’S THE—”

“Worst? I know!” Kaibara nearly snorted at the defeated, almost depressing look that overcame his face. He wanted to dig more at you because of that, but was unfortunately interrupted when the front door opened and in came a customer. “Oh, welcome.”

He didn’t want to look away from the fact that you were pouting and eating your sundae still; your guilt of wasting food outweighing your distaste much more. But a weird twist of his stomach made his eyebrows scrunch when he noticed how the incoming customer stared at you. It was a look of interest, and while he didn’t even like you, why was he feeling like this.

He ignored it, shaking his head, he focused on the customer who said they were still looking, and he sighed.

It meant nothing… right?

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

Well, it finally happened. 

Today was your day off, but at precisely 12:35 p.m., your phone violently buzzed with an incoming call from your boss. You had been out on the backyards lawn trying to sunbathe with your towel on the dirt floor, trying to live the best summer experience you could. Your music had been blasting, so when the call came, you quickly picked it up to figure who was calling and why.

“Hello?”

“Y/N WE NEED YOU IN THE SHOP RIGHT NOW! THE EVENT IS CRAZY RIGHT NOW, AND THERE’S A LINE OUT THE DOOR! I’LL GIVE YOU OVERTIME JUST GET HERE NOW!”

There wasn’t even a chance to argue, a chance to say you were doing more important things, because the line ended immediately and you groaned loudly. To work it was, it seemed. 

It took you fifteen minutes to get to Scoops Ice Cream Parlor, and you were surprised, to say the least, about how false your boss’s statement was. It wasn’t a line out the door, it was a line that went out the door and wrapped around the block?! 

You locked eyes with Kaibara, who was also apparently called in today, and he merely raised an eyebrow at you before continuing what he was doing. In forty-five seconds flat, you had managed to get yourself ready to assist and were on it. 

It was times like this that everyone was grateful for how efficiently you and Kaibara worked together, as odd as it was. The two of you worked on multiple orders together, passing things off to one another, gathering items, and sharing. It was done wordlessly, effortlessly, and efficiently; it indeed was not a reflection of how you two behaved normally. 

In an hour and a half, the line had finally reached the last ten people, and you could almost cry in relief. 

“Ah! A soft served vanilla ice cream with a chocolate drizzle! Y/n!” your boss commanded, and you nodded, your sweating cheek pressing to your shoulder to wipe whatever you could off. Without a word, you went back to the soft serve machines and without so much of a thought, pulled on the lever. 

You quickly realized that pulling on that lever was a mistake, not a mistake you purposefully made, but a mistake. 

Do not touch the soft-serve machine because it often broke… that’s what Kaibara told you all those weeks ago, but when he meant broken, he didn’t mean it didn’t produce ice cream. No, no, no. That would be too nice by the universe, after all! When he said it broke, you never expected the soft-serve ice cream to begin to pour from the machine, with no stop in sight. 

“OH NO!”

The white vanilla cream poured endlessly from the machine, and you shrieked while trying to keep it on the cone you brought with you, but you were no expert in making those Instagram famous towers. Eventually, you watched in horrific slow motion as the ice cream tipped over and splattered on the floor, and in your moment of not knowing what to do, you attempted to gather the ice cream in your hands instead of letting it fall to the floor.

“Oh my god, stop! Please stop!” you chanted, your hands jiggling onto the lever hoping that it would make it stop, but it was to no avail.

With every passing second, your arm filled with more ice cream, growing colder and stickier with every moment. 

“What the fuck is taking you so long — oh my god!”

“KAIBARA PLEASE HELP ME!!!!” you sobbed, feeling like a pathetic toddler of all things as your foot desperately tried to drag the trash can near you to keep the building icecream from falling onto the floor, but your legs were too short it seemed. 

“What did you do?!” he hissed, running over slamming the trash can near you, but slipped on the fallen cone and crashed into you. 

Much like how the ice cream cone had fallen in slow motion, Kaibara crashing into you, exploding the armful of ice cream gathered in your arms everywhere, sent you both to the ground. 

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” you sobbed in your hysteric laughter, the both of you now fumbling on the ground, the ice cream quickly seeping past the threads of the apron to seep into your clothes and burn your bodies slowly. “YOU MADE THIS SO MUCH WORSE!”

“Oh my god, would you stop?! Please stop yelling!”

“Get off me first! You’re so heavy!”

“The floors are so damn slippery, I can’t!”

“Roll off, you idiot!”

It was a chaotic, wild attempt by the two of you to calm down the machine that wouldn’t stop spitting out ice cream until it was empty. While no one else had seen the two of yours struggles to get into your feet (a feat that took twenty minutes and provided hilarious footage for your coworkers who watched it before closing), the both of you couldn’t speak of what happened without feeling like you needed to crumble away. 

Thankfully, both of you were sent home afterward, before the ice cream could glue into your skin. But as you were walking out, your arms not being able to bend at the disgusting horror of the sticky firmness of the dried ice cream on your skin, you were surprised when a hand grabbed your shoulder and stopped you. 

“I wanted to apologize,” Kaibara says the second you turn to look at him. 

“What?” you stupidly respond, your eyes blinking rapidly as if you couldn’t understand him. 

“I wanted to apologize about how I’ve been… how I’ve been behaving. We aren’t really friends, but after all that today, I just… can we start over?”

And somehow those four little words sparked a friendly fire in your core, and your lips stretched into a smile as sweet as the ice cream on your body. 

“Yeah, I think we can.”

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

This date was going horribly.

About nine days ago, a customer had walked in, seen you moping with an ice cream sundae made by Kaibara with black cherry sauce, and had asked you out. You were sure what exactly willed you into saying yes; after all, you didn’t know the guy personally, but here you were. Without wanting to seem rude, you definitely thought this date was going horrendously, and you wanted to get out, not that this man noticed anyways.

“Do you want to get some ice cream?” he asked, a smile spreading on his face while both of you exited the movie theater.

You thought about it, Kaibara wasn’t working today if you remembered correctly, and with Scoops being the only ice cream joint nearby, you weren’t about to stroll in on a date with him there. Since the whole broken soft-serve ice cream machine, both of you had taken to be friends like honey and flies. 

The bickering didn’t stop, not one single bit, but the tone and the atmosphere behind the genuine arguments no longer felt like an introduction to some World War and now instead teasing and playing between friends. However, admitting and seeing that you were friends brought up an issue that you never thought was going to happen again — you once more found yourself attracted to the dark-haired man.

Yes, like some overzealous whore, you were out on a date while having very real feelings for your coworker.

But well, going back to whether you should go get ice cream, it would give you yet another reason to speak up at all.

“Sure!”

But of course, summer was not being your friend this summer it seemed, because when he held open the all too familiar front door, and you walked in with a grateful smile. You felt your heart twist and die the second that Kaibara walked out from the back, his already neutral face falling into stony coldness at the sight of you and your date.

“Welcome,” was his unwelcoming call. 

Please let there be some freak accident that causes time to reset so you wouldn’t have to do this, you prayed, trying to calm the blood that threatened to rush to your face while your date began to talk to Kaibara. Your eyes glued immediately over onto the menu as if you hadn’t already memorized everything up there. Still, even with your attention very focused on the menu, you knew by heart already, you could feel those dark, nearly black eyes piercing through you. 

When Kaibara was asked to cover a coworkers shift today, he expected it to be busier than it was today. He guessed that’s just how it was at times when the heat of the summer day failed to make anyone want any ice cream, but while it was nice to get paid without doing much work, it definitely sucked doing nothing. Which is why when the front door chime sounded, he offered to take on the customer… but he didn’t expect to see you here with some random guy. 

He didn’t know why it bothered him really, the both of you were finally getting along superbly but seeing you there next to some guy who was trying to talk about just how amazed he was by all the ice cream flavors and how he met you here soured his mood intensely. At the same time, he continued to look at you. You were staring at the menu; he knew you could recite to the very typo on the board because he had riled you into memorizing it within the first week. 

But when your sheepish gaze met his, Kaibara did not want to admit that the bizarre emotions he was feeling both disappeared altogether and intensified utterly. 

“What d’ya want, y/l/n?” he asked you after taking down this assholes order. He took to your gaze, trying not to have some lame physical reaction to how he felt when your eyes warmed at the sight of him. 

It meant nothing, it meant nothing, it meant nothing. 

“I’ll have the caramel banana sundae,” you ordered with a smile while your date grinned after your selection. 

“You really order the worst things on this menu, don’t you?” he couldn’t help but jab, knowing you would instantly focus on this mindless banter. 

“Kaibara, I swear, say that to my face one more time!” you instinctively yelled. Although you were here on some date, he would confirm later (and would then have to internally admit that he was, in fact, jealous) he liked the fact that you spent the majority of your date in here talking to him.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

Sometimes you really wished that arresting the sun was an actual concept. 

Why in the world was it even legal for the temperature to be 114°F and for workplaces to still be expected to run normally. God, it was so hot that it only felt normal in your ice cream parlor employment that your only moment of grace was when you walked into the back freezers. 

“I think I’m slowly dying,” you whispered to Kaibara while you arranged the ice cream for the waiting customers. 

Today had been reasonably busy, everyone coming in and exclaiming that they needed some ice cream to combat the summer sun, and you always nodded in agreement. But you guessed despite the blistering heat that couldn’t even stay away from the ice cream shop, you appreciated being able to suffer together with Kaibara. 

“If you die and leave me here, I will kill you.” Kaibara’s eyes narrowed at you, and you laughed, shoving him with your shoulder. 

“Good luck!”

You handed the ice cream concoctions to the family and watched as they seem delighted to have it before walking away. 

After a perfect steady flow of customers, the parlor was at the moment empty, and you looked at the different ice cream gallons in search to see which needed to be refilled. You counted five, and you cringed, the both of you had been slacking it seemed. 

“Come help me switch out the ice cream,” you demanded, spinning on your heel and marching off back towards the freezer. 

Since your date, it had been… awkward with Kaibara, you hated to admit it.

The fact that he had seen you on a date was never again brought up, but it seemed that maybe it should have been considering the very awkwardness that bled into your relationship. Sure, he was beyond pleasant with you; as a matter of fact, there was hardly any bickering between the two of you because whenever it started, he would bite his tongue to keep from returning any of your lines — and you knew he had some comebacks. 

You walked into the freezer first, reciting the ice cream flavors that needed to be replaced like a mantra to avoid multiple trips to and from the freezer. With Kaibara coming in behind you, you immediately walked over towards the frozen gallons and began to pull out the flavors that you needed to take. 

“How’s your boyfriend?” Kaibara asked suddenly while you placed two of the gallons onto the floor so that you could grab the other ones. 

You felt your spine stiffen at his words, your eyes wide while you turned behind you to see that Kaibara had also grabbed another two of the flavors which lead you with one more, which was nearest to you. 

“Not my boyfriend,” you corrected awkwardly, your ears burning while you walked carefully over to the gallon in the far back wall. “I didn’t like him, I was promised a free ticket to a movie, and you know with my mom and everything I couldn’t pass it up.”

Without even looking at him, you knew that Kaibara had nodded his head in understanding.

“So you don’t like him?” he asked, his voice seeming to come from a few steps behind you, which caused a shiver to roll down your spine, but you mentally blamed it on the freezing air. 

“No, I um… I like someone else,” you respond honestly, trying not to let on your embarrassed and flustered state while trying to take the gallon of ice cream out from the rack but was currently failing. “Stupid fucking ice cream!”

But your frustration towards the ice cream container was quickly and almost immediately forgotten the second his unexplainably warm hands grabbed onto your shoulders and spun you around. Your eyes widened at the sight of his slight shaggy black hair falling onto his eyes while he looked at you and then down at your lips.

“Am I that someone else?” he asked, and all the air in your lungs froze over and died. He read you like a book, and the soft chuckle that left his lips made your body vibrate with warmth as he nodded his head in perfect understanding. “Lucky guess, huh… you think I can kiss you, y/n?”

A simple sentence crossed his tongue, and yet your mind spun at his words as if he had offered you only the greatest riches in the world, and you found yourself nodding your head while reaching up to meet his own eager lips into a scorching kiss. You weren’t sure how long the kiss lasted, only knowing that with your fingers twisted into his soft locks, his fingers digging into your waist and keeping you breathlessly near, and the buzz that came alive with your dancing lips. He inexplicably and irrevocably overwhelmed you, and the near frantic breathing that passed through your nose was evidence of that. 

By the time you two parted, you felt the world turn into some rose gold haze while you stared up at his smiling face.

The two of you would later find out that you had been locked in the freezer together, but on the hottest day of the year, next to someone who kissed you with enough intensity and passion that the freezer couldn’t even make you shiver, it was all okay.

[kleines1904]

Imagine – Alex Morgan - Part blue

English is not my first language so I’m sorry for all the obvious mistakes

My vision started to blur as I looked down at the phone in my hand. I felt the tears trying to break free, but I couldn’t let them fall. Not again. While scrolling through Instagram I came across his name, I wanted to close my eyes, but my brain had already registered the picture in front of me. Before I knew it, my heart was speeding up, my breath caught in my throat. For a few long moments I just stared at the picture of them together, her smile, her eyes, the exact eyes that were hunting me every night.

I tried to fight the tears filling my eyes when I heard footsteps behind me. I immediately knew it was Tobin, due to her humming and whistling to the rhythm stuck in her head. She started whistling this damn melody two days ago and hasn’t stopped till then. It drove me insane, but it was also a very good distraction.

 “Hi,” I turned around and gave her a small smile “I’m sorry but I have to tell you again: you’re late.”

 “I know,” she replied with confidence in her voice and a small smile, but I could see her eyes analyzing me. “and you are sad because…?”

 “I’m not.”, I replied quickly, too quickly. “Just- you know-“, the words I was forming in my head didn’t come out, which caused me to shake my head because of my inability to have a normal conversation after seeing a picture of her.

 “Did you check your phone?” Tobin broke me out of my thoughts. I bit on my lower lip trying not to scream at her for bringing this up, but she was a good friend, I knew she would.

 “Yeah.”

 For a few seconds she just kept staring at me, before she nodded and looked down at the phone in her hand. I was glad that she didn’t ask about the picture or my obvious bad mood again, until we sat down a few minutes later at our usual place. We ordered our usual drinks and started talking about Tobin’s upcoming game with the Thorns. I knew that she tried to stir the conversation in the direction of her teammates, especially one teammate, but I kept dodging her attempts till she had no other chance then ask about it directly.

 “Did you talk to Alex?” I sighed and grabbed my phone reflexively, my eyes wandered around the café as if my brain was unconsciously looking for a way out.

 “Not today. Or yesterday. Or the day before.”, I answered late, but Tobin didn’t seem to mind, she just nodded and fixed her hair under her snapback, before she looked at me seriously. I knew that look and sighed again.

 “So, the last time you talked was…?”

 “Right before she went home. To him.”

 Tobin opened her mouth to reply when the waitress came and brought us our drinks. Right when she turned around Tobin seemed as if she had gathered her thoughts again, she stopped playing with the straw in her drink and asked me the question I wanted to avoid at all costs.

 “How are you dealing with- you know, all of this?”

 “What do you think?”, I shot back, much more aggressive than intended, which resulted in me looking at my friend apologetically. She just wanted to help, but I couldn’t even think clearly every time Alex was brought up.

 “I think that you need to talk about it.” Tobin stated casually as if we were talking about the brewing hot sun outside or the skateboard she broke the other day.

 “And I want to,” I started toying with my napkin nervously, I knew that I couldn’t avoid it anymore. “It’s just- I don’t know what to think about it. One day everything was alright, then this whole- thing started, and a few days ago she just left.”

 “She had to.” Tobin looked at me with a serious expression. “Y/N, she had to go back and talk to Servando. I wouldn’t even say she left you.”

 “Saying to my face that it’s over and that she needs time to figure things out doesn’t sound like she ended things to you?” My heart started to beat faster and even if I hadn’t done it purposefully, I knew the napkin I was holding was torn into pieces.

 “Well, if you put it that way…”

 I closed my eyes and took a deep breath while trying to avoid to ball my hands into fists. This look in Alex’s eyes still threw me off, I couldn’t get it out of my head. My brain didn’t even know which emotion to feel first, there was just this big mess of hurt, anger, passion and sadness.

 After a short silence I cleared my throat and looked at my childhood friend again. She also seemed deep in thought and I knew exactly what she was thinking about.

 “Anyway, what are you and Christen doing this weekend?” Tobin lit up like a Christmas tree and started rambling about all the activities they had planned.

 We both ignored the fact that I still haven’t talked about everything that happened with Alex.

 After a while Tobin started to fidget, I knew immediately that she wanted to go outside and walk around for a while. The mood became lighter, but I still looked around more frequently, afraid I would make out one particular face in the crowd. The sun already began to set when I hugged Tobin and we said our goodbyes. I knew I should’ve gone home to catch up with work, but the waves crashing on the shore quickly made me change my decision. The sun was still burning as I kept walking in the direction of the water, I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath.

 When I closed my eyes hard enough, I could see her standing by my side, hand in hand and listening to the waves. Her voice, her laugh, that glistening in her eyes when I told her ‘I love you’ for the first time. It all seemed so far away now.

 Everything started at a party a few months ago. I can still remember how nervous I was and how I just wanted to run the second I entered the house. Tobin was by my side, introducing me to all her teammates standing around the room. A few of them had already heard of me, which gave me a warm feeling in my chest, knowing that Tobin actually talks about me with her teammates. I remember shaking a few hands, especially with the birthday girl Lindsey, before locking eyes with her.

 Alex Morgan stood on the other side of the room, talking to Allie Long, but her eyes were on me. She sat the glass back down which was halfway to her mouth and smiled that smile. A few weeks later she told me how mesmerized she was by my appearance and I blushed so hard that she brought it up a few more times, just to tease and annoy me. (I loved it).

 The first time when it was just the two of us, we went to the cinema, because no one wanted to see that overly dramatic romantic movie she couldn’t shut up about. I loved spending time with her, and that little crush I had ended with me falling completely and utterly in love with her. We talked almost every day on the phone, I went to her games to see her (although I would try to convince everyone that I just wanted to support Tobin, Alex and the team) and we started meeting up on Friday nights almost regularly.

 At first, I was glad that she told me about her life, about the problems a woman has to face in the world of soccer, and about her husband. But one day that changed. I was too blind and stubborn to realize it though. I fell in love with my straight best friend, and I hated it. One night I made the decision to distance myself from Alex, but that was much harder than expected. After a few days filled with short and disinterested (she claimed they were disinterested, but I was just so confused and angry) messages and no phone call, Alex had enough. I can still hear her yelling on my front door, which ended in me being so perplexed about her being there that I let my favorite (Thorns) coffee mug fall to the floor.

 Never had I expected her to be this angry, or that she would kiss me. At that moment I thought it was just the spur of the moment, all the emotions and the adrenaline. The next morning, I woke up with her in my arms and I knew it was something more.

 Something more eventually ended in a full-blown affair, something I swore I would never do to another person. Alex telling me that she was thinking about leaving her husband didn’t really help at all, it just made me feel more guilty.

 What would have happened if she had really left him? A superstar like her coming out as bisexual? In a relationship with a woman? On the one hand, I knew she couldn’t do it, she worked so hard and I didn’t want to be the reason her sponsors stopped working with her or the media judging her for ‘her lifestyle’. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but being selfish. Every moment with her was precious, I felt like I could just be me when I was around her. It felt like home.

 And the sex, wow.

 I stopped my thoughts from wandering in this direction and shook my head. Alex always seemed to laugh about this action. My eyes settled on the sunset when I heard a quiet giggle. My body froze, because I knew that sound, I knew that voice, I knew that Alex was standing right behind me. I was contemplating to run into the ocean to avoid turning around, but Alex didn’t let me finish that thought.

 In my peripheral vision I could see her standing right next to me, and the next moment I could smell her rich perfume in the air. The smell I couldn’t get out of my bed sheets for the last few days, but maybe that’s because I didn’t really try to. I tugged on my sweatshirt and stubbornly watched the few surfers who were still in the water hoping to catch some good waves. Next to me Alex shifted on her feet, before she cleared her throat and started talking in a low voice.

 “You didn’t call.”

 “I never said I would.”, I replied with a strong voice, I had no idea where this confidence came from. My thoughts were all over the place. I didn’t think I would see Alex again till the next game, which only was in about five days. Feeling and seeing her this close to me made me feel things I just wanted to put in little boxes and shove them way deep down till I forget I even had feelings in the first place. “You wanted time,” I continued after a short silence. “I figured we would see each other at the game.”

 “I have to talk to you first.” Her voice was rougher than usual, which made me turn around and look at her for the first time in days. She looked breathtakingly beautiful as always, but I saw the sadness in her eyes and nodded. “I’m sorry for how I… ended things.”

 “So, it did end.”, I mumbled and turned away from Alex, not able to look her in the eyes while having this conversation. I looked behind her, searching for one familiar face, or her loyal dog I adored so much, but she was alone. I just saw a few people watching us and sighed, we couldn’t have this conversation here.

 “Let’s go to my place.” Her eyes widened, which made me backtrack and actually stumble over my words. “I- I meant to talk- I-, we can’t have this conversation here.” I looked around to show her all the people who were looking at us, she nodded.

 On the way to my apartment she gave a few autographs and took pictures with overly excited fans, who told her how much Alex meant to them. I couldn’t help but smile proudly while Alex kept talking to the fans about the upcoming game.

 A little while later I felt myself becoming tense again when I let Alex in my apartment. I looked down on her, she was wearing that cute white top and black jeans, she was playing nervously with her purse while I switched on the lights. She followed me into the kitchen and sat down on her usual chair, I had to fight back the multitude of emotions seeing her in my apartment again.  

 “Do you want to-“

 “Can I just-“

 We both started at the same time, which actually made us smile at each other. I motioned for her to begin while I sat down in front of her. My leg was bouncing nervously, but I ignored it and stared into these mesmerizing blue eyes.

 “Can I just begin with telling you that I’m really sorry for how I behaved. Not only on that day,” she gave me that look and I knew immediately what the was talking about. That day she told me she had to leave was filled with her being frustrated and angry and taking it all out on me. “but also, the night before. I know you heard me talking to Servando on the phone, but it wasn’t what you thought it was.” My mouth fell open, the pain in my chest was as present as in that moment a few days ago.

 “It wasn’t?” I scoffed and shook my head. “I heard you telling him that you missed him. You haven’t told him something like that in weeks! So why was it so important to cancel our date - or whatever it was - just to talk to him?”

 “I called him that night for a reason.”

 “Okay. What reason?” Alex winced, because of my hard and dismissive voice. I nearly felt sorry, nearly.

 “I needed to see whether I really missed him or not. The second I said it, I knew it was wrong.” I felt so confused. I lifted an eyebrow when Alex stopped talking and started fidgeting with her hands. “The next day I wanted to tell you that I will go home one last time. That I’m going to talk with him about how my feelings for him had changed. When you confronted me about the phone call and my… my feelings for you the next day, I was scared. Confused.”

 “Oh yeah?”, I asked sarcastically, before I stood up and starting pacing. “You felt confused and angry? Alex, I told you that I love you and that I need you to decide in which direction this whole, thing, is supposed to go. You literally told me that you don’t have romantic feelings for me and that it’s over.”

 “That’s exactly where I was wrong.” I stopped pacing to look at her. I didn’t even register that she had also stood up and that there was not much space between us in my small kitchen. “When you asked me about us, it became real. I thought about all the conversations we had about being out in public, about what my friends and family might think, about Servando.” I felt my body tense again and resumed pacing, but Alex grabbed my hands and stopped me. “And in that moment, I realized that I don’t care. That scared me.”

 “You don- what?”

 “You remember when I told you that I can be an idiot when it comes to feelings?” I nodded and stayed silent, which she saw as a sign to continue. “You remember that night at Tobin’s? We had a movie night and everyone fell asleep, but you stayed up and carried me to bed, because you knew I hated sleeping on her uncomfortable couch.” We both had smiles on our faces, before she became serious again. I looked down at my hands in hers und took a deep breath. I felt my heart pounding in my chest. “I think I fell for you that night.”

 My heart sped up more, if even possible, and I started to doubt my hearing. She did not just say that? I opened my mouth to ask her to repeat it, but she beat me to it.

 “Just let me finish,” Alex smiled as I closed my mouth again. “I always knew I had feelings for you, otherwise I wouldn’t have started our… thing. I was just too afraid to admit it. So, after our fight I went home to Servando and we talked about our relationship, that’s when I realized that I’m not even in love with him anymore, it was just, by- by habit, being with him. He wanted us to fight for our relationship, but today I told him that I can’t anymore.”

 “But,” My mouth was so dry I had to swallow before I was able to continue. “that picture he posted today, I thought- I-“

 “He accused me of seeing someone else, I guess he wasn’t wrong.” Alex looked down, I could feel the guilt radiating from her and took a deep breath to stop myself from taking her into my arms. “We took this picture months ago, I guess he wanted to prove a point or scare that new person away, and seeing your reaction…”

 “Yeah I think he did a pretty good job at that.” I bit my lip trying not to laugh, which made Alex laugh a bit, before I looked at her again. “So…”

 “So…”

 “You left him?”

 “I gave him the ring back.” My eyes found her hand and I frowned, how have I not seen this before? “And I told him I’m going to move out next week.”

 “You are?”

 “I am.” We locked eyes, for the first time in days I had a big smile on my face.

 “And, you love me?”

 Alex had a genuine smile on her face. She bit her lip, just the way she knows would drive me crazy, in so many ways. For a few seconds I thought I wouldn’t get a reaction, but then she leaned forward, put her hands on my neck and pressed her lips to mine. My whole body relaxed the second our lips met, and I automatically put my hands on her waist to tug her closer. After a few seconds she took a step back to look me in the eyes again and said something I have dreamed of for months.

 “Yes, I love you.”

[movedyoakkemae]

DICK’S NATAL CHART INFORMATION.

Birthplace: Bern, Switzerland. // Date of Birth: March 21st, 1971. // Time: 6:43PM (Sunset). Sun: Aries. // Moon: Capricorn. // Ascendant: Libra. Key: True. Depends. Not True. Not overly wrong, not overly right.

The Sun

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality, and outward-shining creative energy.

                                               The Sun is in Aries.

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and Aries natives are the first to start--and the first to finish--whatever they set out to do. Aries is an active, energetic sign. People with Sun in Aries are direct, straightforward, and uncomplicated. They expect the same from others, and are baffled when they don't always get it. The body comes first with Aries. Sun in Aries people are natural athletes. At the very least, their natural inclination is to use their bodies to get things done. They're not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments; nor are they big on planning ahead. Instead, they live their lives simply. What is happening right now is most important to Aries. Impatience is a definite vice, and innovation is a huge strength. Aries loves to start anything new, and they have trouble sitting still. They are pioneers in whatever they do, and there is a very basic quality of bravery in these people that is unmistakable! Aries generally knows what they want, and they know the quickest route to getting it. They take shortcuts if they must, but generally everything is aboveboard. Underhanded just isn't their style. Some Aries people are bold, but even the quieter ones are brave and even plucky in their own way. Independence is their birthright. Nothing gets them going more than a fresh slate, the promise of a new day, and a brand new start. Aries enjoys a challenge, and Aries Suns are happiest when their lives are moving forward and active. There's a childlike quality to all Aries Sun people, and it's often quite charming. He has a strong personality and an entrepreneurial spirit. He is ambitious and self-willed, stubborn, obstinate and tenacious. Possible issues: nervousness, impulsiveness, wastefulness, provoking nature, restlessness, and changeability.

Sun in VI: The Sun is in the sixth house The work that you do, and the services that you offer, are very important to your sense of identity. In order to feel good about yourself, you need to be busy with daily activities and to produce work you can be proud of. Focus on finding a suitable and rewarding avenue for expressing this part of you, being extra careful to choose an occupation in which you can express yourself. You are sensitive to criticism about the work you do, and you work best when you can create your own schedule. Positive feedback for the services you render is important to you, but be careful not to over-identify with the appreciation you receive from others, as your work and your health suffers when you feel under-appreciated. Motivation to do a good job should come from within. -38 Square between the Sun and Mars You possess an unmistakable competitiveness and a "me-first" attitude. The fighter persona is most apparent in youth, when the child is described as a "bundle of energy", or it is remarked that he or she "can't sit still". The abundant energy generated by this aspect is hard to direct in childhood. Later in life, ideally, those with these aspects have learned to channel some of their excess energy into productive avenues--perhaps through career, sports, or any area where competitiveness is considered an asset. Nevertheless, you can meet up with more than your share of conflict, and you can sometimes rub people the wrong way. You are very motivated to get things done, to take action rather than simply talk about something, and to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible. Those who know you quite well might describe you as hot-headed and temperamental at times. You are easily frustrated, and you're given to impulsive actions. If the aspect is found in cardinal signs, it gives impulsiveness and a short temper. If the aspect is found in fixed signs, the natives can be very hard-headed and willful. If it's in mutable signs, it gives a restless and frustrated impatience. Essentially, you have faced conflict and are not particularly afraid of it. You have faced having your need to assert yourself blocked. Your parents may have done as much as they could to "tame" what they felt to be excess energy or aggression. In other words, you know all about conflict and blockages, so that when you are faced with a challenge or a roadblock, you don't run away from it or hide under the covers feeling sorry for yourself. You meet challenges head-on. 73 Trine between the Sun and Jupiter Endowed with generosity and friendliness, in some ways you appear to be lucky in life. You attract good things with a positive frame of mind and a charitable disposition. Rarely entirely "down and out", you are usually well-received, helpful, and well-informed. You may enjoy travel and have a special affection for foreign places and people. You're generally not very competitive, and for the most part not combative either. As a result, you are usually well-liked. You are usually good-hearted, possessing strong morals and much faith in life and in people. You prefer to find the good in situations and in people. You don't have a lot of patience with those who break the rules, as you generally believe in order, equality, and the law. You usually make good on your promises, and the sincerity you exude can be trusted. Looking on the bright side is your forte--people can turn to you for a pleasing dose of faith and optimism. You are quick to chuckle and can't resist any appeal to your sense of humor. Some people with this aspect are downright jolly. Others are less conspicuous, but their faith in life and willingness to find humor in life are nevertheless obvious. 106 Trine between the Sun and Neptune There is an unmistakably dreamy, inspired, and sensitive side to you. A marked appreciation for music and the arts is present. The connection of Neptune with the Sun, which represents the ego and the will, certainly softens some of the hard edges that might be found elsewhere in the chart, adding a sensitive and spiritual dimension to your personality. You are naturally compassionate. It is so completely natural for you to accept that there is more to the world than what is before your eyes, that you tend to presume everyone must be spiritually-inclined. Of course, you come to realize that this is not the case at some early point in your life. Your attraction to spirituality and metaphysical subjects is usually marked. These aspects favor writers, artists, and musicians. You are sensitive to those who are suffering, although you are not usually taken advantage of. You are humanitarian and may have a special connection with animals. If other aspects and positions in the chart support it, you are not one to dominate others or assert yourself to the point of brashness. You have a fertile imagination, are full of inspiration, and very emotional - all qualities that you may use on the professional level. -218 Opposition between the Sun and Pluto You may be prone to inner tension and negative, self-destructive behavior. When things are going well, you suffer from fears that something will come along to change that. Constantly worrying that the rug will be pulled from under your feet can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You possess tremendous power and strength--when you learn to accept and use that strength, instead of fear it, you can be one of the most effective, insightful, helpful, and healing person around! At times, you can be intensely dissatisfied with your personal accomplishments and expressions of self. You put a lot of pressure on yourself regarding your own endeavors. You can be quite dissatisfied with your creative self-expressions, and want to hide your expressions from others until you feel the output is "right". This is largely due to a perceived inability to express or reveal your true personality to others. You struggle with a deep need to control yourself and life itself. You are especially sensitive to criticism, and feel the need to "redo" yourself often. There is a marked fear of losing control, and this might stem from some traumatic event in childhood, or the childhood might have been crisis-ridden or emotionally-charged in general. As such, you can be intensely fearful of, or threatened by, change. This can express itself through attempts to control your life in such a way that you can manage your fears of being taken off guard. Of course, this generally backfires! You have an intense need for privacy at times. -21 Opposition between the Sun and Lilith There is a self-destructive side to you that should be managed by confronting your fears. You might worry about a friend betraying you, although others might find this person full of charm! -233 Opposition between the Sun and Ascendant He may face conflicts in life due to a projection of character that does not match what is on the inside. Misrepresentation of the self can be frequent. He must strive to understand how others perceive him and work on presenting a more accurate persona to the world, or he will rub people the wrong way or feel unrecognized and misunderstood. -103 Square between the Sun and Midheaven He struggles with finding a career that suits the personality. He may not face up to problems and his plans are often difficult or even impossible for him to realize.

The Moon

The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image. The Moon represents the emotions, and the Moon sign shows how a person expresses themselves when at home, at ease, and comfortable.                                         The Moon is in Capricorn.

Being useful and productive are basic needs for Lunar Capricorns. Because they generally keep their emotions under check, Moon in Capricorn people come across as competent people. However turbulent their emotions may be under the surface, Lunar Capricorns keep cool-headed--and they come across as steady and reliable people. This position of the Moon suggests a desire for clear boundaries and realistic goals. Not much for taking risks in life, Lunar Capricorns look for safety and security in most everything they do. Most of them respect authority and tradition, and many are planning well ahead of the rest of us. You likely won't have to remind them to protect their interests, plan for old age, or keep fall-back money in their bank accounts. These things come naturally to them. Calm, cool, and collected--these words sum up Moon in Capricorn natives well. Messy emotions and "leaky" souls are a bit frightening for most with this position of the Moon. Truth is, they can have plenty of mood swings and some dark emotions now and again. Lunar Capricorns are often quite hard on themselves, and would benefit from letting their guard down once in a while. They quickly garner reputations of being mountains of strength, and they easily hide their sensitivity behind a sarcastic manner. You may have read that Moon in Capricorn natives are a bit cold and calculating. The fact is, they are unlikely to be any less emotional than the other 11 sign positions of the Moon--they simply aren't comfortable "letting go" when it comes to emotions. They keep their emotions under control. Wherever Capricorn is found in the chart, there is a desire for structure and control. Capricorn is the sign of organization and efficient management; so, when the Moon is found in the sign, the world of emotions are well-managed and handled in an efficient and practical manner. At the heart of Lunar Capricorns is a powerful need to feel worthwhile in the real world. There's a basic need for respectability and a big attachment to the world of the senses. Lunar Capricorns put a lot of value in all things tangible and real. And, perhaps more than anything, they need to be respected by others in order to feel secure. Short description: Reserved and cautious. Attracted to politics. Selective, earthy, success comes by means of other people, who recognize his qualities. Potential issues: material worries, saving far more than enjoying, restrictions. Does not get carried away by love.

Moon in IV: The Moon is in the fourth house He likes family life, peace and quiet -- he likes to stay at home, surrounded by loved ones, in agreeable circumstances. Strongly influenced by the mother. You long for a sense of true belonging, but you may be quite restless in your search. You might change residence frequently, or simply feel the need to make many changes in your home. Moving frequently may be a healthy thing if it keeps you emotionally stimulated, but if you find that you do so on whims and later regret the changes, you might want to treat it as a symptom of emotional unrest--as a sign that you are in a constant search for the perfect mood and setting, when in fact a feeling of belonging should be worked on from the inside out, not the outside in! Some of you might remain rather immature on an emotional level, never wanting to truly grow up and take care of yourself. Attachments to your past, traditions, and family are strong. 72 Trine between the Moon and Saturn He controls his feelings. He has a strong sense of duty and self-esteem. Very prudent. He can concentrate on a long-term task, manual or intellectual, with success. He perseveres and is serious in most things he does, but is humorous, satirical, steadfast, and upright. 4 Trine between the Moon and Pluto He can waver between a rich and successful domestic life and social success, perhaps having difficulty succeeding at both. Very perceptive and given to psychoanalyzing people. A strategist. Powerful emotions and intense feelings. 52 Trine between the Moon and Lilith This aspect favors romantic and sexual relationships, giving charm, intrigue, and intelligence. Emotions are big, dark, and mysterious, but he embraces these things, instinctively understanding and accepting the many sides and complications of his feelings.

Ascendant.

House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.

                                           Ascendant is Libra.

Everybody seems to like Libra Ascendant natives. They just come across as nice, pleasant, and fair. Look a little closer at their lives, and these nice people may have had quite a few problems in their relationships. Some of them have had a string of relationships, and it can be hard to imagine why! These natives attract others to them effortlessly. Besides, they simply don't know what to do with themselves without a significant other. Libra rising generally appear to be smoothing everything over. They have charming smiles, a gentle approach with others, and an easygoing image. Even if they were not endowed with good looks, they are attractive. Most pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance -- the colors they wear, their hair, the way they walk. Libra rising people can be enormously persuasive, although they will almost always use a "soft sell" approach when they want to win others over, which is all of the time! A tendency to pass the buck and keep up that "nice guy/gal" image are their worst qualities. However, they can make excellent mediators and will generally be the first to accommodate you. Libra rising natives are usually attracted to competent, active partners. Their relationships are often characterized by bickering or competitiveness until they learn to drop their sweet image once in a while and to stop blaming their partners for everything that goes wrong.

Beautiful and charming. This Aries comes across as more conciliatory than they may actually be!

Mercury.

Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.                                                Mercury is in Aries.

He makes quick decisions, may streamline learning, can be direct and straightforward in speech, possessing an innocent charm, and can easily motivate others with his enthusiasm. Usually loves a heated dispute. Lively mind that quickly understands a given situation. He is very resourceful and capable. May prefer to jump into a decision and may not have much patience with pretense. Mercury in VII: Mercury is in the seventh house May avoid at all costs being alone. He has lots of friends, enjoying discussions and similarly cultivating plenty of work friends. He loves to write. You have a great love of debate, if only to get closer to your own thoughts and opinions. Bouncing ideas off others helps you to make a decision, although coming to definite conclusions can be painfully difficult for you. You see the other side of the coin. You might often play devil's advocate. Communication with a partner is craved, and you also love an audience for your own thoughts and opinions, but preferably a one-person audience, as you come alive verbally when it's one-on-one. You can be quite skilled at keeping a partnership animated and alive with interesting tidbits, new ideas, and stimulating conversation. You can easily become bored in partnership if the lines of communication go down, even temporarily. You might also love to talk about and analyze relationships and marriage. -159 Opposition between Mercury - Uranus He likes debate and controversy, and, above all, to contradict. He may lack diplomacy and tends to dissipate his energy. He cannot stay in the same place for too long, especially mentally, preferring change even if it means a backward step in his career.

Venus.

Venus represents an interest in emotions and values, exchange, and sharing with others.

                                            Venus is in Aquarius.

Venus in Aquarius people try to impress you with their open-minded, future-thinking spirit. They want you to see them as unique, rebellious, and a little provocative. They are attractive when they are acting a little aloof. They want you to acknowledge and appreciate that they don't follow the beaten track in matters of the heart. Venus in Aquarius people are attracted to unusual or unconventional relationships. They don't want to follow all the rules, although they may make quite a few of their own. They can appear quite standoffish at times, and are threatened by restrictions of any kind. Emotional types may be put off by their detached manner in love. Venus in Aquarius wants you to love them for their intellect, and to admire their visions. They value lovers who are also good friends, and they avoid emotional displays or confrontations like the plague. Venus in Aquarius will delight in shocking you with their unusual ways and their forward-looking thinking. Pleasing Venus in Aquarius involves letting them know just how interesting they are. Put up with their occasional need to act superior on an intellectual level -- they are very proud of their unique ideas and visions. Dream along with them, and don't fence them in. They need space and will happily return the favor, giving you lots of room to breathe and to be yourself. Venus in V: Venus is in the fifth house He wants to succeed more than almost anything in the love life. He meets pleasant people and has very good friends, usually without too much conflict. He especially likes amusements, parties. He may have many children or love affairs. Interest in love and/or sex for you likely started young. Playful, sensual, and amorous, you are in love with love! You thrive on romantic attention, and it is easy and natural for you to always have a crush or romantic interest. There is a romantic, playful side to you that is unmistakable. It keeps you young at heart! You are sensuous and enjoy indulging in the pleasurable senses to the fullest possible extent. You enjoy surrounding yourself with beautiful art and music, and these may play a role in your ideal date scenario. There is a touch of the dramatic in you when it comes to love and sex. You are generally quite loyal to your partner, and you are both charming and easily charmed. It's also easy to turn your head. You are a warm, fun and playful date. -82 Square between Venus - Saturn He is hard or reserved at times, and doesn't always know how to express his emotions. He may be frightened of showing his love, and this can lead to disappointments, break-ups, lack of satisfaction. He has doubts, can be suspicious, worries too much, possibly jealous but more likely insecure. He will learn how to be happy in love, to be at ease with himself and to control his jealousy or gain more assurance and sense of self-worth in the second half of his life, possibly thanks to a mature person, who helps him learn to trust. 180 Conjunction between Venus and the North Node This aspect indicates diplomacy and attractiveness. There is a certain luck in meeting others at the right times. There is skill in harmonizing and much desire to cooperate rather than compete.

Mars.

Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.                                          Mars is in Capricorn.

With fiery Mars in the more orderly sign of Capricorn, natives with this position have a subdued and controlled style of approaching life. Most don't come across as particularly enthusiastic; rather, theirs is a low-key but determined energy. Mars in Capricorn natives like to be on top of things. They are generally goal-oriented and focused people who are not afraid of hard work. Most are achievers by nature, and many possess well-defined ambitions--well-defined to themselves more than anything. They're not particularly flashy people, but their drive to succeed and to make their lives secure is strong, even if it's not right out there for the world to see. Anger is expressed in a rather cool, level-headed way with this position of Mars. Self-control is strong when it comes to expressing anger, drive, energy, and sexuality. Capricorn is a sign that detests waste of any kind. It also fears disorderliness and "letting go". With Mars in Capricorn, there is generally a powerful need to stay in control. This is not to say that natives of this position are cold in any sense of the word. Their desires are strong, but they are often centered around the physical and material world--all that can be seen and held. With Mars in an Earth sign, sensuality is expressed in an earthy way. However, unlike Mars in Taurus, for example, (another earth sign), Mars in Capricorn is not self-indulgent by nature. These people are usually quite disciplined. Capricorn possesses the ability to plan for the future--something that many other signs have difficulty doing. Mars in Capricorn natives are working toward realistic and attainable goals. They are productive people who get off when they see tangible results from their efforts. Many natives with this position are a little hard on themselves, and sometimes others. They usually can be relied upon because they have an innate sense of responsibility to both themselves and to those they care about. Most of them are very hard-working, and one of their strategies for anger management is to throw themselves even more energetically into their work! Mars in IV: Mars is in the fourth house Quick decisions; he may have a lot of things on his plate and wants to succeed. He will succeed through a phenomenal work-rate. Stormy or simply active family life, where his leadership or aggressiveness shows itself. You can be fiercely protective of your close friends and family with Mars in your solar fourth house. Anger may be deeply felt and possibly deeply buried, too! As a result, it can be difficult for others to pinpoint your true motives, and you can be considered a real enigma. You can be passive-aggressive in your approach to the outside world when younger, which could lead to resentments if you are not careful--or confident--enough to take a more direct approach to pursuing your desires and expressing your anger. With time and experience, as well as substantial work towards achieving a healthy balance between emotional self-control and expression, you're likely to deal with frustrations in a more empowering way. -23 Square between Mars - Ascendant He is quarrelsome and critical at times when a softer approach would be more successful. In this way, he may self-sabotage. His success can sometimes come about through roundabout means. -88 Opposition between Mars - Midheaven He might suffer professional setbacks through actions that are too impulsive, imprudent, or lacking in forethought.

Jupiter.

Jupiter represents expansion and grace.                                        Jupiter is in Sagittarius.

He attracts the most good fortune when he is open-handed and generous, tolerant, and practices what he preaches. Can be inspirational, usually finding success in travel, education, teaching, sports, publishing, and foreign cultures. Very philosophical, forward-looking, and enthusiastic. Strong morals. He strongly values freedom of movement and expression. Jupiter in III: Jupiter is in the third house He is has good judgement, a sense of values, an open and optimistic mind, a good education and high moral standards. He likes studying. He is successful in communications work. his professional work is a vocation and plays a great part in his life. 275 Conjunction between Jupiter - Neptune He is very generous and altruistic, helping people in difficulty. He knows how to listen or, at least, how to give that impression to make others feel heard. He is a dreamer with imagination to spare, fully enjoying the Arts.

Saturn.

Saturn represents contraction and effort.                                             Saturn is in Taurus.

He doesn't like to see greed or waste in others. Must not shun materialism and possessiveness completely, and learn to build up a sense of being "deserving" of some pleasures in life. Saturn in VIII: Saturn is in the eighth house This position sometimes points to not being financially very well off, average salary. The spouse may not be rich. Possibility of a small inheritance, which helps a lot. Long life and natural death, if the aspects allow. 25 Trine between Saturn - Lilith He can be hard-working and practical.

Uranus.

Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.                                                Uranus in Libra.

Well-developed artistic leanings; his balance can be upset by too great an independence. Questions traditional approaches to relating and wants to do things differently. Uranus in I: Uranus is in the first house He is above all independent and original. Sometimes blunt and irritable. Never allows himself be influenced. He does not tolerate any sort of setback. He is ready for adventure, even if it's a bit risky. Uranus in the first house alters the way an individual projects personal energies onto others. You are likely to seek, nay demand, freedom in the way you present yourself to the world. Dressing simply but quirkily, you will have no problems in asserting yourself. You are not shy in letting everyone know where you stand on issues. In fact you take pride in presenting your unique perspective. "I am a simple soul with few wants and needs," is what you tell yourself. All you can feel is an altruistic desire to change the world! Friends and relatives probably find you a trifle erratic. They know you to be good-hearted and genuine about your feelings. Your passions rise fast and you lose interest at the same rate.

Neptune.

Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.                                           Neptune is in Sagittarius.

May especially enjoy long voyages, things foreign, being close to water. Altruistic, broad spiritual vision, humane, spiritual. Neptune in III: Neptune is in the third house He has a lot of imagination, high ideals. He is nostalgic. Dry, cold facts are hard for him to absorb, so traditional academics might not appeal. 4 Sextile between Neptune - Pluto He is perceptive and able to see layers to a situation. He is naturally drawn to learning what makes himself and others tick. 27 Sextile between Neptune - Ascendant He can have unusual relationships. He is easily influenced, very sensitive and emotional.

Pluto.

Pluto represents transformations, mutations, and elimination.                                                 Pluto is in Virgo.

Research and investigation come naturally. May worry about health. 15 Conjunction between Pluto - Lilith He may lead a double life. He may have a secret love affair while having a good relationship with his partner. Most with this aspect, however, are highly perceptive and can keep a secret. Alternative views of relationships are likely. 28 Conjunction between Pluto - Ascendant He has willpower and ambition, and almost always prefer to have his own way. -4 Square ​between Pluto - Midheaven He may have issues with his power. He may risk losing everything, having to start from scratch in order to duke it out with authority figures. He may end up in meaningless stalemates with bosses and authority figures, which can block him from achieving success or goals at times.

Lilith.

Black Moon Lilith represents our darker, deeper natures that may be repressed or buried.                                                   Lilith in Virgo.

He may have felt uncomfortable or wrong for paying special attention to the practical side of life, attention to details, organization, and routines. He may go to pains to prove he is NOT ordinary, worried, eager to please, or concerned about details enough to perfect a craft or project. Leaving many projects unfinished can be a sign of perfectionist expectations since this way, he does not have to deal with the prospect of not producing something perfect. The key to eliminating extreme behaviors is to work on self-acceptance.

North Node-South Node.

The South Node represents our overdeveloped character traits. We are talented here but if we overdo this area of life or hold onto these traits to feel secure, we may stagnate. The North Node points to the qualities that we need to work on and develop to achieve inner balance and fulfillment.                                       True North Node in Aquarius.

His path is to learn to be more impartial and less possessive in relationships and with creative projects. As he learns to let go of the need for a passionate chase, satisfaction will come to him naturally as he sees that he nevertheless gets what he needs. Relationships may suffer if he takes things too personally and expects others to follow a script that he has unconsciously written for them. He learns to moderate his desire for drama and attention, and then develops true friendships. Qualities to develop: detachment, impartiality, humility. North Node in V: North Node in the Fifth House His path is to believe in himself enough to feel comfortable expressing his unique creativity, to be the center of attention, committing himself to a definite path rather than shooting in the dark. Although he feels less pressured and more comfortable in a group or informal setting, moving out of this comfort zone once in a while can enhance his social and romantic life tremendously. Qualities to develop: self-confidence, getting personal, willingness to stand out or call attention to himself.

The Houses.

House II - the second house - is the area of material security and values. It rules money and personal finances, sense of self-worth and basic values, personal possessions. Libra on House II. Income may come either as a result of an advantageous marriage or union, through artistic expression and diplomatic means, or by a very useful association. Partnerships can help further financial goals. Venus by sign and house can show other areas for making money. House III - the third house - is the area of social and intellectual learning. Scorpio on House III. Can make a good investigator because he is very curious, loves researching and does it with a lot of patience, enjoying solving mysteries, cracking a code. He knows how to take risks, while being wary of the dangers or consequences. House IV - the fourth house - is the area of home, family, roots, and deep emotions/sense of self-worth. Capricorn on House IV. After working all his life to obtain his objectives and finally having reached that goal, he wants to retire in peace and quiet and to enjoy a retirement full of contemplation, with few tasks, close to nature. As he was very careful with money all his life, he is happy to administer the properties he has acquired. House V - the fifth house - is the area of creative self-expression, romance, entertainment, children, and gambling. Aquarius on House V. He doesn't like routine and the banal. He is romantic, full of fantasy and imagination. He is also a friend one can count on. House VI - the sixth house - is the area of learning by material transaction. Pisces on House VI. Job in commerce. Weak point: the kidneys, feet. House VII - the seventh house - is the area of one-to-one relationships such as marriage and partnership, and of social and intellectual action. Aries on House VII. Love-at-first-sight; may partner without thinking. He doesn't want to change his habits, perhaps leading to many arguments that are quick to start but also quick to resolve. He may not have much patience for the "clinging vine" kind of partner, preferring much activity and someone who can take charge. An active partnership. House VIII - the eighth house - is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul. Aries on House VIII. The spouse will tend to spend more money than he earns. Be careful of any haste that could prove dangerous. House IX - the ninth house - is the area of learning that shapes the identity. Taurus on House IX. He may travel little, no great attraction for abroad. Unlikely to change principles, practically never changing the mind or beliefs. House X - the tenth house - is the area of material action. The Midheaven represents the work one will do in one's life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older. Cancer on House X. He likes contact with the public, the crowd. Profession that involves meeting a lot of people. Professional success thanks to sense of duty and application to his work. House XI - the eleventh house - is the area of search for social and intellectual security. Leo on House XI. Friends are not always chosen by chance. Even if the feelings of friendship are sincere, friends often bring something - professional help for example. House XII - the twelfth house - is the area of education and of emotion. This is where we meet our karma, deal with endings, and sometimes where we bury things. Virgo on House XII. Work in a research lab.

[ladyoutlier]

Prompt: I don’t know if this counts as head-canon or not, but I’m interested in the idea that the Crowley’s feet get permanently damaged during the Church Scene (it follows if holy water is permanent death than consecrated ground might be permanent damage as well imo). One day, Aziraphale notices.

Falling was hardly painless. It burned and scarred and left behind a great deal of phantom pains and bad memories. Still, 6000 years was an awful lot of time for Crowley to get used to all that. Let it blend into his identity until it became as much a part of himself as his name. Though he had already proven that names were always up for debate. But it was enough time to let it shift his outlook on life and play a role in everything he did. Soon enough, he all but forgot what life was like without the pain of his Fall.

78 years, on the other hand, isn’t a lot of time for an immortal being to get used to a new source of pain, although Crowley did try his hardest to cope and continue on as normal. He wasn’t sure whether it made it better or worse that this, unlike his Fall, was most definitely self-imposed.

He had made the decision to enter that church to help out Aziraphale. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest move considering that Aziraphale would hardly be gone forever if he hadn’t intervened. He would’ve just been preoccupied for a bit up in Heaven whilst he was issued a new body. Likely, he would’ve made it back to Earth before the century was up, and all would’ve been right as rain.

But for some reason, Crowley just couldn’t let that happen. Had to save him the embarrassment as he had put it. Really though, he just wasn’t all that interested in seeing the corpse of his friend, even if it was hardly permanent. And dying probably still hurt like Hell. Aziraphale didn’t deserve that.

So he had tap-danced his way into that church, desperately trying to keep either of his feet from being too scorched by the holy divinity of God. At least the ground no longer burned when it was reduced to rubble. Still, the damage had been done, and, like his wings, his feet didn’t go back to normal. If he had thought about it a bit more, maybe he would’ve came in kneeling. God would’ve had a good chuckle at that.

It hadn’t been hard to play off the constant ache in his step when he walked. His overly dramatic saunter made it easy to play off a sudden stab of pain as just another example of his inability to remain still for too long. Really, he had the whole world fooled, even himself, that absolutely nothing was wrong whatsoever. That’s probably why he didn’t think twice about it when he swapped bodies with Aziraphale.

That’s not to say that Aziraphale felt Crowley’s pain when in his body. No, that wasn’t the case at all. If God’s holy wrath was tied to nothing but a physical body, well, it would hardly qualify as a punishment. This type of pain was linked to the soul so that whatever body Crowley incorporated, he wouldn’t be quick to get comfortable. 

Still, Crowley had never been discorporated, so his physical scars from his walk down the aisle were most definitely present on the soles of his feet. It wasn’t until a certain holy water bath where Aziraphale noticed, and it was very much the reason why he had left Crowley’s socks on for it. He considered keeping it to himself, but curiosity soon won out, and a week after deceiving Heaven and Hell,  he brought it up.

Their common place of evening banter was undoubtedly Aziraphale’s bookstore, but the angel had suggested they go to Crowley’s flat tonight instead. Surely if the demon was in his own space when Aziraphale turned the conversation to his question, he would feel more comfortable answering it. At the very least, he would have a harder time running away. Crowley had thought the change of place odd, but it wasn’t like he was going to say no to Aziraphale.

They were a couple bottles in, relaxed on an L-shaped couch that hadn’t existed four hours ago, before Aziraphale had the confidence to turn the conversation. It was a real shame to bring down the merry atmosphere with this, but this just wasn’t something he could shrug off.

“What did it feel like? Falling that is?” This wasn’t a new question the angel posed to the demon. Every now and then he would ask it, and Crowley would give him a slightly different answer each time.

“Like that warm bubbly God’s grace inside you suddenly got much too hot.”

“Is that how your feet feel too?” Aziraphale asked as nonchalantly as he could.

“What?” Crowley all but dropped his glass.

“I—I just noticed in our little escapade last week where we, you know, pulled one over our respective head offices…” He paused to look at Crowley who stared at him slightly slack-jawed. “Well, I noticed you had scars on the soles of your feet. Rather extreme ones too. And—and considering we can look any way we please and do away with things like scars, I assumed that these in particular must be related to a holy event.”

“Yeah it was.” The demon’s mouth was a thin line. “A holy event.”

“Oh, I do hope you didn’t step in that holy water I gave you. Everything in me said that I shouldn’t give it to you, but I did anyway.”

“Nah, was before that. 1941. Church. You know.”

Of course he knew. Crowley had once again showed up to save the day and, more importantly, his books. It was the kindest act anyone had ever done for him, and the demon refused to let him properly thank him for it. The holy water had been his later attempt at that.

“Dear Lord, Crowley. This didn’t happen to you because you felt the need to save me, did it?”

Crowley cringed at Aziraphale’s tone of voice. Last thing he wanted was the angel’s sympathy—or his guilt for that matter. “I wasn’t bloody certain what would happen when I went into that church. Figure a bit of foot pain isn’t that bad considering.”

“How’s a permanent injury to your celestial being not bad?”

“Well, the Almighty could’ve smited me then and there for stepping foot into Her holy sanctuary. Everything kind of pales compared to that.”

Aziraphale’s jaw practically fell off. “You thought the Almighty might smite you, and you still went in to save me?!?”

“I hoped the whole saving an angel thing would convince Her to go easy on me.”

“Crowley!”

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

And he meant it. Absolutely one hundred percent meant it. He’d do anything for Aziraphale, although he usually tried to keep him from knowing that.

“I’d rather you not maim yourself—or risk your life—for me. Especially when it’s a non-lethal situation!” Aziraphale was now standing, his wine glass forgotten on the coffee table.

“With how your relationship with Heaven is, I’d say there’s all the more reason for me to.”

“Then I hope you don’t mind me saying that I’ll do the same for you going forward.”

And now Crowley was standing as well. “Of course I mind!”

“So, do you see where I’m coming from? Will you trust me to handle myself.”

Crowley sat back down, defeated, and Aziraphale followed suit.

“I’ll do my best, angel.”

They were silent for a moment with Aziraphale’s gaze turned to the demon’s snakey boots. He cleared his throat and spoke up. “So your feet do hurt then?”

“‘S fine when I’m sitting down.”

“And when you’re not?”

“Maybe hurts a bit now and then.” Crowley shrugged in an attempt to downplay his words as much as possible.

“Is there—”

“No, Aziraphale. Nothing you can do unless you also have a way to make my wings white again. And don’t say bleach. It’s not a funny joke.”

“Never would have thought of it, dear.” He moved closer to Crowley on the couch. “But I can’t stand to sit here knowing you’re in pain.”

A confused yet knowing expression flooded Crowley’s face. “Demons are use to pain, angel. We always feel it. The Fall wasn’t a one-and-done deal. We just get used to what it feels like.”

“Oh.” It’s a small little noise that escapes Aziraphale’s lips. One that holds a lot more emotional meaning than the word’s dictionary one. “Crowley, I—I didn’t know.”

“It’s not like I ever told ya.” He avoided the angel’s gaze. “Like I said, we get used to it. No use crying about some 6000 year old drama, now is there?”

“I’m so sorry. That sounds absolutely awful. I wish I could, I mean, there has to be—”

“Can we please not turn this into a pity party. Really I’m fine. As fine as I’ve ever been anyway. And I’d really just like to get sloshed with my best friend, if you don’t mind.”

It was time to back off. Crowley was done with this conversation. To the demon’s benefit, he had given Aziraphale a lot. Let loose quite a few secrets, and the angel appreciated that. If Crowley just wanted to drink now and have a good time, Aziraphale was going to do his best to give him a good evening.

“Of course. I shouldn’t have pushed you on this. We can go back to drinking.” 

He picked his wine glass back up but didn’t return to his side of the couch, instead remaining next to Crowley. If the demon minded, he didn’t show any sign of it. 

If Aziraphale couldn’t offer him any relief for his physical and spiritual pain, he could at least provide Crowley with his company. Really, that’s all Crowley wanted. Just Aziraphale’s company. Because, even though he didn’t tell the angel, just being around Aziraphale made him forget all about every ounce of pain he had ever felt.

[demaury]

boys online. chapter 1. (social media influencers au)

7916. 124. 10. These are the numbers that define Eliott and Lucas’ relationship, either they want it or not. 7916 kilometers between them, from Paris to Vancouver. 124 days since they first said ‘I love you’ last spring. And nearly 10 hours, until… well, until they meet for the first time. (ao3)

It’s around 8 at night, and Lucas is already halfway done packing when the truth hits him square in the face with the strength of a truck launched at full speed. “I’m going to be sick,” he stammers, wide eyes falling on the two folded pairs of boxers he’s holding.

Oh boy. He’s so going to be sick. He can feel it, the way his stomach is churning painfully and his eyes are flickering from one corner of his vision field to the other. The worst part is that he has no idea why it’s hitting him now, but all of a sudden there’s a fucking precipice opening in the middle of his bedroom and threatening to swallow him for good.

From the bed, Manon peers above her phone. She’s sitting on a pile of wrinkled clothes that he was absolutely sure he had already packed up. “I already told you there’s nothing to worry about taking a plane. You’ve done it before.”

Lucas’ eyes snap up at her. “I’m not scared about taking a plane,” he huffs, trying to ignore the way his heartbeat is suddenly thrumming behind his ribcage. He’s taken tons of planes before, and he never gave it so much as a second thought. “I’m scared shitless about Eliott.”

Manon quirks a brow. “Eliott,” she repeats flatly, almost in a deadpan, “the guy you’ve been in love with for at least six months and that you’ve been dating for three of them.”

Lucas glares, throwing his pair of boxers in the mess that is already his suitcase. “Eliott, the guy who’s seen me in person only fucking once.”

Fuck he thought he was handling it well, the whole ‘I’m meeting my boyfriend for the first time’ thing, but apparently he isn’t, and it had to dawn on him the night before he’s set to leave for the other side of the ocean to spend two amazing weeks with the one person on Earth he’s been dying to touch and kiss and hug for six fucking months.

“You’re facetiming like, six times a day, and you guys met once already, as you said,” Manon waves. “He knows what you look like, relax.”

“It’s not about-,” he snorts, but his voice trails off.

It isn’t about what he looks like. He’s not self-conscious, he knows he’s cute and he knows he can be hot when he sets his mind to it — even back when he was in the closet he had more game with girls than his straight friends. It’s just that he’s suddenly terrified. Terrified that maybe, justmaybe, they might not be as compatible as they think they are.

“What if I’m a bad lay,” he blurts out, hands falling to his hips.

“Did you ever get any complaint?” Manon asks bluntly.

“No,” he scoffs.

“Then you’re not a bad lay,” she shrugs. It’s a fucked-up logic and he’s dying to speak his mind about it, but she’s already leaning forward to glance at the content of his suitcase, her phone dropping between her crossed legs. “Honestly, it sounds like you’re just trying to find excuses to worry at this point.”

“Like you weren’t a mess when you met Charles after IFYE last year,” Lucas retorted, “and you guys were just hanging out back then.”

Their manager had shipped him and Manon to Toronto the year before to attend IFYE (the International Forum for Young Entrepreneurs) and they had met a bunch of people there, including Charles and his buddy Alex who had launched an app putting together companies and students looking for summer jobs. Manon had immediately awarded Charles the ‘biggest self-entitled jerk’ title, only for them to start dating six months later — something that Lucas isn’t anywhere near to let die down.

Manon squints her eyes at him but doesn’t bother replying, settling for rummaging through his suitcase instead. She exhumes one of the pair of boxers he stashed there two minutes before, a camouflage-patterned one he hasn’t even meant to take with him in the first place. “I don’t think there will be any problem with him peeling the clothes off you,” she says, “but let’s put all chances on our side.”

Lucas gives her a look and snatches the underwear from her hands, before shoving it back in the safety of his underwear drawer. “You’re not helping,” he grits out, scowling, as Manon laughs entirely too long at her own joke. “I’m freaking out because, like, what if he doesn’t like who I am? Or what it’s like being with me? What if he’s just too cool for me?”

Manon rests her elbows on the edge of his suitcase. “It’s going to be just fine. You’re freaking out, and it’s okay, but I can assure you it’s going to be alright. Eliott loves you, the real you, and you’ve been sharing stuff and caring for each other for months now.” She tilts her head. “So what if you two never kissed yet? You guys want to be with each other, and trust me, plenty of people who do kiss and do tons of other stuff beside kissing don’t want to be in a relationship nearly as much as you.”

Lucas purses his lips, running a hand through his hair. “Damn, what is it like when you don’t take it seriously,” he mutters.

Manon huffs a laugh. “Alright. You know what? You’ll want to do a lot of things when you’re there and none of them is ironing your wrinkled clothes,” she says, frowning at the amount of clothes he shoved haphazardly in his luggage. “Bring me something to drink and I’ll see what I can do with your pathological inability to fold clothing items.”

It takes him a second to nod and decipher whether he can trust her with his stuff, then he goes to the kitchen. It’s not like he’s got something to hide from her, they’ve known each other for four years now — as long as he’s been in Vancouver, give or take three months — but he blames it on the everlasting side-effect of being in the closet for a bunch of time and having to watch his every move even at home. To this day he still isn’t sure if his dad is okay with his sexuality and just doesn’t speak about it with him because they are an emotionally constipated single-parent home, or if he’s just acting like nothing happened — like Lucas never came out to him — out of sheer denial. Even the fact that his dad’s the reason he hasn’t been able to fly to France sooner doesn’t quite provide a defined answer.

“You’re not flying to the other side of the world just because you met someone on the internet a month ago,” his dad had decreed when Lucas had first brought it up, last spring, and that’s when Lucas had been reminded how bad being 17 sucks. He’d been making money, meeting people, flying for business purposes, signing contracts, and yet up until last July and his 18th birthday he was unable to meet with his very own boyfriend simply because his dad wasn’t willing to allow him to leave the fucking country.

No need to say he wasn’t thrilled when Lucas told him he was leaving a few days ago, but he didn’t make an attempt to prevent it either. “Just promise me you won’t see your mother without me,” he had said. “If you want to go, I’ll go with you, but I’ve got too much work right now to leave everyone hanging, so we’ll see about that next Christmas.”

Lucas had shrugged, because going to see his mom wasn’t really a part of the plan, but he had promised anyway and that was left to that. His dad is a notoriously very busy man and so the amount of time Lucas is spending with him in a week is generally narrowed down to a quick hello and a quick goodbye every now and then, so he can’t say living with him is terrible by any means. He mostly lets him do the things Lucas wants to do, and in exchange Lucas doesn’t ask him too many stuff and certainly not to be overly present at home — it’s a good compromise, and certainly better than Manon’s parents not giving two shits about her.

Since he’s good at multitasking, he dedicates his right hand to opening the fridge and picking up a soda can for Manon, while the left one automatically reaches up in his back pocket to retrieve his phone. There are loads of notifications from Instagram and several from YouTube, but he ignores them and goes for the whatsapp conversation he has with his boyfriend instead. Eliott went to bed about an hour ago and up until now he wasn’t even angry at their six-hour time difference (like he usually is), because for once it allowed him to focus on the matter at hand (packing everything), and not on his (incredible, amazing, adorable) boyfriend.

Yeah. That was ten minutes ago, before he started getting fucking anxious. He sets the soda can on the kitchen island and starts typing.

you're just going to make fun of me, but, like, i’m panicking

He looks up and nibbles on his bottom lip, eyes trailing around in the kitchen as if the pieces of furniture could give him answers. All of a sudden he’s glad he didn’t start packing up before, because otherwise the freak-out would have happened much sooner and the last thing he wants is to make Eliott feel guilty or concerned or whatever emotion that is not happy for too long at a time. Maintaining their relationship through the last couple of months wasn’t the easiest thing to manage, but they resolved early on to be honest towards each other. Is that something that is worth getting Eliott concerned about?

Nah, he decides as he erases the text. Instead he sends a few heart emojis, because that’s something Eliott deserves to wake up to — and certainly not his boyfriend freaking out —, grabs Manon’s drink and goes back to his bedroom.

Fifteen more hours.

He’s got this.

*

Thirty minutes already.

It’s a fucking nightmare.

It’s not like Eliott is throwing the words at any given opportunity, but he’s literally running in the airport like a lunatic, slowing down and slightly ducking his head every time a member of the security or the staff is squinting at him a little weirdly. It takes forever to make his way through the crowds of people coming back from vacation, and he nearly loses his calm behind an old lady babbling with her husband after she stops for the third time to fish god knows what in her purse.

It all started wrong, in complete honesty.

Thing is, he’s had trouble sleeping for weeks now, mostly because his mind is constantly racing with project ideas, and editing has been taking so much time lately that he always ends up going to sleep at ungodly hours. It’s already a problem in itself most days because he’s getting up at 6.30 to get to work at 7.30 — not to mention that he’s been trying to hide it from Lucas not to worry him —, but when he ends up oversleeping because he forgot to plug his phone in before falling asleep, it’s an even bigger mess.

Truly, waking up to Idriss slamming his flat hand on his front door until he wakes up isn’t how he envisioned one of the most exciting days of his life to begin — not that the follow-up has been any more exciting so far. Six hours a day, five days a week, for four months now, he’s been selling frozen yoghurts in the same restaurant where Idriss is waiting tables, and after a few weeks of freezing cold AC and rude people, word spread out that Eliott, aka srodulv on YouTube, was apparently available for a chat during his work hours — after that it had been three more months of tiny skirts and cheeky doe-eyed customers refusing to take no for an answer, Idriss making too many jokes and his boss being entirely too satisfied with the idea of whoring him out in order to get more customers.

His contract ended two hours ago, and the prospect of being able to squeeze in two weeks between that moment and the schoolyear starting off at the Fémis school, two weeks with his long-distance boyfriend, has been enough to survive one last day selling stupid banana flavored frozen yoghurts —until Idriss whined enough to drag him home to celebrate with a beer, that is.

“No plane ever landed on time, relax,” Idriss huffed when he said that Lucas’ flight was supposed to land in two hours.

Well, Idriss would fucking hear from him, because not only Lucas’ flight is on time, but the asshole who refused to buy a fucking bus ticket and insisted on walking by the front door anyway well and truly delayed Eliott more than what his nerves could handle at the moment. Hence the running. You’d think that reaching the airport would be the end of the nightmare, but no, he found out exactly five minutes ago that he can’t get a wifi signal for the life of him, and that the flickering crumbs of 3G (3G for god’s sake!) aren’t enough to send Lucas a whatsapp text to tell him he’s on his way.

He stops running as soon as his phone dings, relief washing over him when he reads Lucas’ name on the notification.

i'm waiting at starbucks 💖💗

Eliott looks around. He’s in the hall K. If he’s guessing right, Lucas is probably not gone wandering in another hall just for the sake of it, so he scrupulously follows the signs indicating various newsstands and airport shops until he spots the familiar logo, in all its green glory. There are a few customers waiting in line and others spread out, sitting at small tables. His eyes are trailing over the unknown faces a couple of times before he has to admit Lucas isn’t one of them.

It’s a mess. Last time, when Eliott went to Vancouver, Lucas had been waiting for him right after the customs area and they didn’t even have to text each other — it was literally that simple. And, alright, he indeed was pretty excited to meet Lucas for the first time back then, even though they were just friends, but it wasn’t anywhere near as exciting and stressful as it is now. He turns around, ready to get worried and upset, and starts searching the crowd of passing strangers. A family of four eventually leaves his visual field at a snail’s pace, and that’s when his eyes stumble on him, almost on accident.

Him.

Lucas.                                                                              

Eliott’s left paralyzed for a solid minute, drinking in the sight of his boyfriend, his Levi’s shirt, his skinny-jeans, his messy hair, and he feels shy, almost too shy, to make the four or five steps separating them. Too shy, to get over the way his heart is beating and his teeth are digging into his bottom lip long enough to call out the only name he thought about for the last few months, to everyone else’s dismay.

Turns out, he doesn’t need to. Lucas looks up, a little blankly at first, then they make eye contact, and his eyes widen comically, and fuck if they aren’t the most beautiful eyes he’s ever seen-

Before he can even think about it his feet are surging forward, without a single care if he bumps into other people on the way. Lucas’ jacket drops from his hands, falling half on the ground and half on his suitcase, and it lasts a second, barely, between the moment Eliott finally started moving and the moment Lucas jumps in his arms, but it’s both the shortest and the longest second of his life. Lucas throws his arms around his neck, and Eliott lets out small laugh as he’s forced to take a step backwards not to drag them both to the ground, hunching a little forward so that Lucas can stop tiptoeing despite it being the most endearing thing in the world.

He can’t even remember how many times he’s been thinking about this, the simple feeling of Lucas’ weight in his arms, and he isn’t sure if he’s ever going to find the right words for that — but he doesn’t care, Eliott decides as he buries his face in Lucas’ neck, not when his boyfriend is here. He allows himself one last sniff of his new favorite drug, taking one more second to breathe Lucas in, before he pulls away, and reaches up to cup Lucas’ face with his hand — he’s not sure, but he thinks Lucas’ eyes are suspiciously bright.

“Damn,” Lucas whispers, voice rough, letting his hands rest on his chest as he relapses his embrace, “I forgot you’re so tall.”

Eliott smiles, chuckling a little, and lets his thumb graze over the sharp edge of his cheekbone. “And I almost forgot how beautiful you are.”

“Aren’t you the cheesiest,” Lucas huffs, grinning.

A few months ago, when Lucas started planning this trip to Paris, they briefly discussed the fact that plenty of influencers took opportunities like these to make some views out of meeting their loved ones in tearful reunions. Frankly, putting himself out there wasn’t Eliott’s strong-suit and he was relieved when Lucas said he wasn’t planning on making someone film them.

“You aren’t going to regret it, right?” he had asked, a bit nervous.

“Nothing about it is worth making you feel uncomfortable,” Lucas had replied with a casual shrug.

Yeah. Now he regrets it though. He wishes he could have recorded it somewhere, just to replay it whenever the distance gets too much. He, the cinema student, in the most prestigious cinema school in France, didn’t think one second to put his embarrassment aside for the sake of filming.

The irony.

Lucas is staring up at him, blue eyes a shade as deep and dark as the ocean, and Eliott feels his heart swell. He doesn’t quite know who leans in first, and if they both did, how on Earth they knew it was the right moment, the perfect second even, but they do. They lean in and Lucas’ lips meet his own in the softest manner, gentle and warm, somewhat cautious in the pressure he puts into them, but it’s more than enough to make Eliott’s heart burst and the last couple of months seem more bearable.

He’s right.

He’s in love, and he’s right, and nothing else matters — not even the sick pleasure of knowing how fucking wrong they all are.

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 72

Forty-eight hours came. And forty-eight hours went. The beginning of which you and Tony came to a mutually unmutual silent agreement that you were going to keep away from him. Something devastating was happening to you. Something you had no idea how to handle. Your powers were very clearly going haywire. And you just didn’t know how to fix it. 

It made sense. In an annoying way. Because your powers were emotion based- except for that thing you and Tony had. That deeper connection. And except for that one time you got so desperate you found a way to make Clint nearly end his own life- but those were separate special occasions. And what you were dealing with now was an inability to control yourself. You were leaking out from every pore. Feelings. Feeling too much. Too many. All terrible. And so you were infecting other people, because you couldn’t control yourself. And you couldn’t run the risk of hurting Tony more than he already was. So you stayed out of the office, focusing more on what you could do from home- and trying not to focus too hard on this Mandarin stuff. 

Then at the end of of those forty-eight hours, JARVIS alerted you that Colonel James Rhodes had landed in Washington, and was attending his promotion ceremony. He’d done such a good job as of late, that the powers that be had lifted him up. And at this little ceremony, which you and Tony were obviously, pointedly not invited to, the military also unveiled that with his promotion he would be commanding the new and improved Iron Patriot. 

After Rhodey’s ceremony was over, he called you while he was in flight, and asked to meet somewhere lowkey. Somewhere very down low. He suggested iHOP. Tony suggested Apple-Bees. To which you told them both you’d never be caught dead in either of those establishments- 

“That’s the point.” Rhodey had told you. And so your little group decided to split the difference and meet at a TGIFridays. 

Rhodey was there ahead of you. And you and Tony had decided not to lay into him about not being invited to one of his biggest career accomplishments in a little while. You’d also agreed not to talk about Iron Patriot unless he brought it up. Or the Mandarin. Or the bombings. 

But then, you were all a bunch of liars, weren’t you? 

“Iron Patriot, huh?” You asked first, taking a loud pointed sip of your soda. 

Rhodey just sighed, putting a hand to his face. “See- this is why-”

“Why what?” Tony sat back, arms crossing. “We weren’t important enough to be invited to your knighting?”

“I was doing you guys a favor!” Gesturing loudly at the two of you, truly believing himself as he spoke. “You have no idea how many times President Ellis asked about you. And I know you don’t wanna talk to him.” Almost accepting this truth, you and Tony shared a look between one another. And then Rhodey quietly sped through saying, “Also my bosses didn’t want you around to usurp the moment.” 

“Ah!” “See!” 

The both of you pointing fingers at him. You further ruined it, “Come on, Rhodey. Iron Patriot? Really? And that color job…” 

“It wasn’t my decision! It tested well with focus groups. And you hated War Machine, remember?” 

“She did.” Tony, nodding in agreement. Trying to play for both teams. 

You made a face at both of them. “So what I hated it. You think palette swapping the armor and giving you a fancy new name is going to fix anything? Everyone’s talking about it, Rhode. And not in a good way.” 

Rhodey sighed, very deeply so, head lolling back. “You think I don’t know that? You think I’m unaware I’m being made fun of on all the network stations?” 

Tony, taking a loud slurp of his drink, reached over to pat Rhodey hard on the back. “Welcome to the club, pal. If you didn’t want that, we should’ve been first on the list to talk to. I mean- PR was her job, back in the day. Military liaison. You forget about that already?” 

“How could I?” 

You scoffed. “PR is still my job, thank you.” It practically made up half of everything you did. “And I’ll remind you that that suit is still intellectual property of Stark Industries, and by tweaking its image you’re in direct violation of-” 

Rhodey threw his hands up. “Oh. Here we go.” 

“You got her started, don’t look at me.” 

But you all looked at each other. And now with the pleasantries and ribbing out of the way, light smiles and little laughs graced each of you. Reaching out you gave Rhodey a little squeeze at his shoulder. “Congrats on the promotion.” While you might not have agreed still with Iron Patriot, Rhodey was doing his best. And you were absolutely just relieved to have him here, considering… 

Considering for a hot second there you thought he might have been taken from your lives completely. That was the risk he ran, sure. That was really the risk you all ran now with the lives you led. But the thought was terribly devastating. If that had happened, you probably would have fallen in line with Tony’s footsteps, and done whatever necessary to take that man out. You still weren’t sure you shouldn’t be involved, even if you didn’t really want to-

And Tony was feeling much the same way. Slurping down the rest of his drink before leaning in after the small chatter had completely finished to say, “So. Really. Tell me about this Mandarin guy. What’s really going on?” 

It was inevitable that the conversation would end up here. And now that it was out there, there was no taking it back. Even if you asked him to. ...and you kind of wanted to know, too. Not that you wanted to deal with more of Ellis. You waited quietly until Rhodey decided to answer. 

“It’s classified information.” But when the two of you gave him a long look he sighed. “Alright. Look… there’s been nine bombings total.”

Your lips pressed together, still trying to figure out if you should be walking this line. “That’s six more since the last time we heard about them.” 

Rhodey set his hands together on the table. “Yeah, well the public only knows about three- here’s the thing. Nobody can ID a device. There’s no bomb casings. No trace.” 

Saying this already set Tony up for trouble. Evidenced by his sliding in closer, immediately after hearing that. “You know we can help. All you gotta do is ask- I got a ton of new tech, I got a prehensile- I got a...I got a new bomb disposal. Catches explosions mid-air-” He was stuck. Talking quickly. Trying to say anything that would get this to click.

Because much like you, he was over focusing. Running himself ragged. And it was Rhodey that finally took a good look at him- then you- and then asked, “When’s the last time either of you have gotten a good night’s sleep?” 

“Why are you picking on me?” Asked with a hand to your chest. What had you done? It was Tony who was going off the rails. What gave Rhodey an idea that- 

“You look like hell. And don’t think I don’t know about the little highway incident.” 

At this you really were shocked. “It’s an incident now? I just had an anxiety spike- a terrorist took over national television, I think I’m entitled-  and who even told you about that?” Now overly defending yourself. Which only proved your guilt all the more. 

Luckily, Tony came to both your rescue. “Einstein slept three hours a year, look what he accomplished.” Though this really was not the most sturdy defense. But since you had none yourself… 

Rhodey sighed yet again. “I’m just… I’m concerned, alright? I’m concerned about you both. My base was the one that got bombed yet you two look like you walked out of a warzone- ...hell, are still in one right now. What’s really going on? Is this still about New-”

Tony spoke over him quickly. “You’re gonna come at me like that?” Hackles raised, clearly. Not wanting to even hear those two words paired together. ...had it really gotten that bad? 

You felt a small shift. He was uncomfortable. His mind was racing. Panic was starting to find its way to a simmer inside him. Reaching out you laid a hand to his arm. He couldn’t go off right now. It would no doubt have too much pull on you- and if you exploded again- “Tony…” Calm. Gentle. As kind as you could make the shape of his name. 

Falling in line, Rhodey looked at him. “Look. I’m not trying to be a dick-...tator...” 

His sudden stop and pointed look at the side of the table drew both your gazes the same way. You had visitors. Children visitors. There was no telling how long they’d been standing there. You hoped not too long. This was precisely the reason you should have met at the house. A dark crappy restaurant had been a good idea, but the fact was- 

Well. Tony had parked the suit outside, while you’d opted to arrive in a car with Happy. That was a discussion for another time. The same one you kept putting off and off and off… It was like he couldn’t get along without it. And, right now, like he’d wanted to be caught here. 

The little boy and girl held up their little pieces of art, no doubt worked on diligently with restaurant crayons. Siblings, perhaps? 

“Hi there.” You greeted them with about as much warmth as you could muster. Now was no time to lose it. Not in front of children. 

The girl, just a couple years older, smiled bright at you. “Do you mind signing my drawing?” 

You took hold of it carefully, taking a look. It was a picture of the Iron Lady, blasting down a row of angry squiggle monsters. “Of course not. What’s your name?” 

“Erin!” 

“Sure thing, Erin.” 

The little boy waiting patiently thrust his own drawing up Tony’s way. “What about mine?” 

“Sure. You know, I loved you in a Christmas Story, by the way.” You really wished he wouldn’t sass the children, but luckily nobody seemed to have heard him. “What’s your name?” 

“Anthony.” 

At this Tony huffed, shaking his head with a small grin. “Of course it is. Great name.” 

With you and Tony sufficiently distracted putting signatures on paper for your adoring fans, Rhodey leaned a little closer and lowered his voice. “Listen, the Pentagon is scared. After what happened in New York... aliens, come on. They need to look strong. Stopping the Mandarin is priority, but it’s not…” 

“Superhero business. I got it.” Tony’s head was still ducked, really focused on his signature. But you felt the spike in anxiety once those two words were uttered. 

You, on the other hand, were slightly ruffled. “Well I don’t. If we’re not getting involved- which, by the way, I don’t want to- but then why is Ellis blowing up our phones?” 

Rhodey shook his head. “He’s just as scared, and maybe thinks he should be able to rely on you guys- but, that’s a discussion for a different time. That’s a whole other fight.” 

Tony’s tone was suddenly very curt. “I said I got it. I understand. I-...” 

You handed Erin her drawing back, but then reached out as you felt Tony’s resolve waver. As you felt him dip underneath a new wave. “Tony…” 

He pressed the crayon down on the paper, snapping it in half. Rhodey’s hand was on his other shoulder. “You okay?” 

Tony put a hand to his face. “I broke the crayon.” 

Rhodey soothed his hand over Tony’s shoulder. “Take it easy, Tones.” 

You rubbed his back, but already you were finding it hard to breathe. He was overwhelming you so suddenly. “Honey, you’re okay-” Trying to will that thought into existence for him. 

Erin looked up. “Are you alright, Mr. Stark?” 

You hoped against hope that he was going to pull out of this and be okay. But he was spiraling- and he startled you as he sprung up to his feet, suddenly unable to catch his breath. “I gotta- I gotta-” And then bolted, shoving restaurant patrons out of the way as he ran. In his wake he left you gasping for air as you felt yourself drowning in the wake of his panic. 

People were looking. Watching. Everyone was acutely aware Tony Stark had just pushed children aside and ran from a restaurant. You had to claw, had to grab tight of your better instinctual sense to protect him and his image. Because the rest of you had started disappearing so far beneath his waves you’d grabbed onto the table to keep yourself afloat. 

“Rhode-” 

“Go.” 

Knowing he would clean up here, freeing you to launch yourself out of your seat- steady yourself- because everything was fine. Tony Stark was fine- you tried to will the thought into existence so everyone with their phones out recording you wouldn’t make tomorrow’s headline. The last thing you needed. Once you found your feet, you calmly walked from the restaurant. 

Just barely outside, people were gathered around the Iron Man suit, which was kneeling on the ground. Inside you felt the tremble of his continued panicking and it smacked you so hard you wheezed an inhale, pressing a hand over your heart where you felt it start beating double time. 

As soon as you found your voice- “Move, please. Move.” And when people continued to stand around and stare at the spectacle he’d become- the much more interesting focal point- wondering about him, already starting rumors about him, speaking unkindly about him- 

You let anger take you instead. And after that you swept your hands up and then out in a motion just so. Literally clearing them out as you dropped into the dark space and saw each one of their nearby profiles. Every person standing too close to him, you poked with a little bit urgent need. 

Don’t you all have something to take care of? 

Walking around each unconscious being, a little tap tap on the shoulder. A little injection of worry. Thinking: 

Did I leave the curling iron on? I need  to make a phone call. The kids are waiting in the car- 

Didn’t matter. You just wanted them away from him. And once the zombified quick shuffle of feet came on and the two of you were left alone, you knelt down to him, trying to catch your breath. Feeling all too light headed. 

But you focused for him. “Tony.” Trying to level out your tone. Struggling. “Talk to me.” 

You expected the helmet to slide back. To see his face. To hear his actual voice. But instead you heard that slightly mechanical pang as it was broadcast out to you. “I gotta go.” 

Then with almost no thought at all he stood, practically knocking you back, and took off.

Just like that. 

Leaving you half sitting on the pavement, staring up at the sky. Watching him disappear. 

At that exact moment, almost every part of you wanted to give in. To lie down on the sidewalk and just… 

“Hey.” Looking over your shoulder, your saw Rhodey’s hand extended out. To help you. Weakly with your last bit of strength and resolve, you put yours in his and let him lift you. “What the hell was that?” And then, when you took too long to answer, he waved a hand in front of your face. Called your name once. Then set his hands on both your shoulders and turned you to actually look at him. “You okay?” Asking with every sense that you absolutely were not. 

A buzz took over your ear, and LUNA spoke, “Ms. Potts on the line for you.” 

Probably not good. Probably alerting you to the fact that videos of Tony’s meltdown were circulating already. Gaining buzz. Wanting to know what to do next. Weakly to Rhodey, “I’m fine- sorry, one second-” And then turning your head to the side, you tried to prep for more bad news. “Put Pepper on.” 

Pep’s voice started in in a flurry. “Hey, your five o’clock is here early. Which is bad because I kinda wanted to talk to you about this meeting before you went in- I know you’re probably busy, but can you come to the office?” 

A meeting. Trite. Trivial. So small in comparison to the fact that you were pretty sure your life was falling apart. Had been for a while now. And you had no way to stop it. 

That black hole almost swallowed you up, as you stared blankly into the distance. The feel of something on your face drew your attention back. Eyes picking up focus, you realized Rhodey had a handkerchief at your noise, and a gentle hand to the back of your head as he tilted you a little. “You’re bleeding.” 

“I am?” Hadn’t something like this happened recently, too? You took the cloth from him, wiping at your nose. “I’m sorry- about that-” 

“Don’t be sorry. Just be honest with me. You two are not doing so hot, huh?” Your frown as he said this, crossing his arms, probably told the whole story. “I have people you can talk to- and you seem like you need to talk to someone- I’m trying not to be overbearing here, but I think-” 

A shot passed through your ears. Something painful. Terrible. You just started nodding at him as you cut him off. “Yeah- no, I appreciate it. I do. Just. Send them over. I’ll look into it. I have to go- I have to… Pepper needs me and then I have to see what Tony’s doing- it’s date night-” Talking over him. Silencing him. 

When he really understood, he stopped trying and just shook his head. “Yeah. Look. I’m gonna be in town for a while. So just… I’m not far, alright? You want me to check in on him?” 

Waving over, you got Happy’s attention, who’d just been sitting in the car watching something on his tablet. After he started the car again and pulled up to the curb you offered Rhodey a terrible weak smile. “If he’ll let you. That would be nice. Thank you.” 

“Yeah. No problem.” His tone was quiet. A little defeated. 

Weren’t you all? 

[isakkxeven]

the signs as i know them part II

i’ve been wanting to make another post like this since the last I made which you can look at here. anyway! here are the signs as i know them part 2!

Aries: underrated. your strength is unmatched and your spirit is bigger than most give credit to. because of your sharp tongue and inability to hold back, people sometimes are rubbed the wrong way by you, but you have a huge heart. you are one of the most loyal signs, incredibly caring in weird ways. not overly affectionate, but shows their loves through their actions. some of the most determined people i’ve met are aries. so...so stubborn...but not a bad a thing, an absolute marvel of a thing, actually. your stubbornness and persistence is unlike anything. it’s your strength. Taurus: materialistic, but not in a bad way. they just love being taken care of and impressing others as well as family. they’re some pretty enigmatic people with unique personalities. carefree but they also care the most. they can be hot headed one minute then kind the next. they don’t always know how to handle their emotions, but they try to make up for anything erratic they may do. taurus, as i know them, harbor a lot of guilt and internal feelings that may often be met with self destruction. taurus don’t like to look weak, but they wear their heart on their shoulder more than they realize. kind, funny, insanely smart, SO SMART, clever, cunning. honestly, iconic. Gemini: ugh. gemini. you are the brunt of the sign, and while i may have not had the best experience with you guys, i still see you. i see the pain you have, because that pain is so yours that it’s all that matters in the moment you receive it. you can hold a grudge. you also complain...a lot. you feel like you have the whole world on your shoulders, but really, it’s just you and your mind. you’re such a switch there’s no telling when you might blow. you don’t talk about your emotions unless you have someone to blame for them. i feel like i’m giving gemini’s a hard time, but unfortunately i haven’t had the best luck with geminis. i will say this–as much as you guys are a bit wild, when you want something, you either totally squash the idea of it ever happening or you get it. your power is very much in your own hands. Cancer: shameless. have a hard time handling pressure. i don’t have a lot of experience with cancer’s, but the few i do often don’t give a shit one minute while the next minute their whole world may collapse. one thing cancer’s are good at is giving. they give a little too much, to the point where the shirt on their back becomes the skin. cancer’s don’t know when enough is enough and have a taste for the luxurious. wildly successful, capable, but doubtful of themselves because of scrutiny they may receive from others. they like to think they have a hard shell, but they’re easily cracked given the right (or wrong) words. they live by what is ideal and often not practical, but it’s what makes them so charismatic and likable even though they can turn around and talk shit the next minute. homebodies. very fearful of rejection. Leo: spitfire little bitch. omg. i love you though. you’re classic, you’re poised, but inside you’re a raging ball of disaster and you know it. your energy is know it all and your spirit is always high. you love to give, but not necessarily through material means, but through your strong emotional abilities. you’re supportive in a way that distracts and allows people to take a breath. you’re honest, but not like virgos who are more straight up, but in a supportive way that’s usually met with humor. you have a cheeky personality and you are often the jokester. prideful as you never ever show your struggles. resilient and strong, certainly a contender amongst the rest of the signs.  Virgo: i could go on and on about virgos. some of the most responsible, hard working, intelligent people. they can and WILL do anything. their own worst enemy is their own self and virgos i’ve known always tend to self sabotage. but, needless to say, they always somehow make a comeback no matter the mess they make in the moment. hot heads, judgmental, but funny as hell. they hold back with strangers, but once you get close enough, you realize just how vulgar they are. charismatic, honestly they just attract and manifest anything and everything because they really are that powerful. they often remind me to come back to reality and take care of the shit i need to. best friend material. the best ever.  Libra: stressed out little things. you guys are the epitome of stress and often bite off more than you can chew. but, you still manage to get it done cause that’s your thing. it’s funny that your sign is all about balance when the libras i’ve encountered are often very messy. i think the balance i see in libras comes from their abilities even if the results get a little messy. libra’s will do what they have to do, but not the point of a virgo who overworks themselves. libra’s are good at working hard and playing hard. they aren’t afraid to call people out, but may often feel guilty after doing so. i haven’t had a lot of libras in my life, but from those that i have, there’s nothing particular about the sign that rubs me the wrong way. Scorpio: oof. well. scorpio. you really just don’t give a shit what you say, do you? when you’ve had enough, you make it clear. you are a straight shooter and it’s terrifying. i honestly don’t know a lot about your scorpio, because you never really showed yourself. it’s like when you want to talk about your problems, you do, then act like they were never problems, just a topic of conversation. you have a tendency to mold yourself around others so much so that if they don’t conform to your way, then you have no reason to empathize with them. you can often seem heartless, but your emotions are more so in tune with your actions.

Sagittarius: mmMMMmmmm i mean??? i just don’t know. sagittarius, as i’ve known them, just seem confused. they seem stuck in the era most associated with their highest point. if a sag thrived in 2002, then by golly, they are their 2002 self. i don’t even know how to describe it. there’s something mystical about sagittarius to me and i really wish i knew more about sag’s to understand them more. they can be two faced, but not necessarily to be mean, but just to have the comfort of control and knowing that they’re on someone’s good side even at the expense of someone else. could probably do well in business as they are more cutthroat than they show. they’re unexpectedly funny, usually in a vulgar way, but they can also laugh at just about anything. 

Capricorn: you care so so much about how the world perceives you, but i don’t blame you. you have a lot of inner doubt and fear, and you try to compensate by being at the top of the pack. you were born to lead and be that bitch. you truly encompass balance, at least outward balance, but i know you’re messy and silly inside. you’re not the most serious, but you definitely known when it’s business time. you have a tendency to pass your fears off as jokes, but you’re not as transparent as you think. you’re very funny, very theatric, and overall an enjoyable person. even though i’ve grown apart from this person, i think i’ll always remember them and always check in with them. capricorn’s just make you want to care about them.  Aquarius: you just want to be loved. you literally do not know what to do with yourself and all you want is a freaking hug and someone to care. you are emotional and hot headed and you just don’t anything even when you know everything. you don’t really think twice, but when you do, you overanalyze everything. you love when people message you out of nowhere and knowing that you were on someone’s mind. you are super into affection even when you’re not the most affectionate person. you used to be my best friend, and i think of you often. you have a strange attachment to the past like you want to rekindle things you had before while still being true to your present self. you’re interesting, like a mix of pisces and virgo Pisces: it’s me bitch!!!! i’m a pisces, so of course, perfect, looks like linda evangelista, the whole thing. ok no but listen pisces are low-key monsters LOL i’m kidding but let’s be real we can be fucking psychotic sometimes pisces are manipulative, scary, and they will remember (if not anything else) what you were doing June 5th, 2017 at 9:45 p.m. fsldjfkjsd they really are so petty, but we are very selfless, almost to a fault. pisces always put others first, which is a pisces classic line, but it’s true. we’re just those dumb bitches. pisces are extremely witty (wow im big headed) they ingest knowledge just because and when they like something they become it. they will pick up lingo, intonations, jokes, etc. pisces are messy and emotional and they’re most likely always thinking about everything or nothing. there’s never an in between with pisces.

[spaceybot]

Same Old Tragedies

A conservation mission goes wrong, but out of this failure comes a surprise and a promise. 

WARNING: there's a very brief paragraph where an animal dies, along with some mention of blood. I consider it pretty short and not overly gore-y but if you'd like to skip it just go to the end of the first chunk (marked by the lines)!

Also warning for whiny, "I'm not a kid" Operator who can't deal with too much frustration or else they'll explode internally. 

They’ve never seen anything quite so ugly, though the Grineer are a very, very close second.

The Operator pauses. Or maybe it's the Infested.

But still this thing was just...different. The Infested and the Grineer were the result of artificial mutations. Their bodies were forcefully manufactured, rearranged and then spit out, with the final product being nothing but obedient flesh with violence as its only instinct. Parasites, clones, it made no difference what they were. The two were both born to fester, kill, and increase their numbers, keeping up the same industrious pace until something came along to end the cycle.

This bolarola was just born looking like that.

“What a marvelous looking fellow. Quite unusual. I trust you’ll bring it in safely?”  Biz says, his voice barely audible from their comm. “We’ll take a better look at it up close.”

From their faraway perch they watch it anxiously pop its head out, scanning the horizons for something unknown. The Business doesn’t expect a response but still they make an affirmative noise in acknowledgment. The Operator readies the tranq.  

This bolarola was a lucky find. No need to pull out any equipment or call for it. Hell, they weren’t even following any footprints, nor were they looking to bring a critter in to Biz today. But as soon as they had spotted it and it’s “unusual” (as Biz had put it) visage, they let him know to ready the transportation.  

This is as close as they could get to it.  Any closer and the Operator is sure they’d have scared it away, what with its current state of distress and its hyper vigilance. They could barely get a clear shot without it slipping in and out of sight. Suddenly, its head stays up five seconds longer than before, fiercely pointed in a direction, straining to hear more. It bristles at something in the distance. All of the tension from before dissipates, giving way to...aggression?

The Operator is almost taken aback when they emerge from the ground fully, stalking an unseen threat. Not typical behavior for bolarolas, they note. Experience has taught them that much. Maybe it’s hunting for food. Why else would it act so predatory? It produces a furious screech that echoes throughout the Orb Vallis, one that suddenly brings the Operator to their feet.

They take a few cautious steps forward, straining to hear.

After half a second, its scream is met with the distant noise of Corpus chatter, rapidly growing closer and angrier in response to the creature’s own call to violence.

In their scope they spot a small party of Corpus soldiers on patrol, or at least they were on patrol, until they had stumbled onto the bolarola’s territory. The Operator curses under their breath, stowing away the tranq and leaping down from their perch.  

“Outworlder, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”  They reply before cutting off the feed entirely.

The bolarola, now just a medium-sized speck without the scope, shrivels up briefly in preparation to tuck into defensive mode. They don’t know why it brings a relieved smile to their hidden face.

“That’s it. Roll away, little guy.” They say to themselves, sprinting towards the scene. It’s not even that little. In fact, it’s kind of large and puffy which isn't that uncommon for their species. Probably the distance distorting their perception of size.

They fire a couple rounds into the air in an attempt to frighten it away from the soldiers. Send it running somewhere else. After all, both Biz and the Operator would rather have an escaped creature than a dead one.

But it never flees. The stubborn thing doesn’t even hear them. Instead it charges full force at the Corpus on some sort of suicidal and instinctive whim. Their heart drops instantaneously. They’re sure their warframe can feel it too because their energy shifts in response to the Operator’s sudden and steep change in emotion, the two always remaining in sync with the other, balancing when one falters. The subtle change picks the Operator right up again and reminds them of the current situation.

They pick up their speed, practically flying towards the bolarola with all the precision and skill that their warframe lends them in maneuvering the snowy terrain. The creature begins readying for a fight in earnest and it is already closing the distance between itself and the soldiers.

“ No, no, no .”

The Operator opens fire from a hopeless distance with a weapon not suited to long range combat as they sprint. The sound of bullets aimlessly whizzing by catches some of the Corpus’ attention. The creature by now has launched its own full assault on the soldiers. It’s a mere nuisance, a distraction to them in comparison to the threat the Operator poses. This isn't right. The bolarola was never meant to attack, only to run away and defend itself. All it’s got are its size and digging claws working in its favor.

By the time the Operator has arrived the majority of the Corpus have locked their attention to them, shooting and shouting. Only one is incapacitated, the one the bolarola has chosen to direct its own attentions to. It uses its weight to leap up and knock the soldier flat on his back. He lets out a shout, struggling uselessly and pinned down by the large creature. His attempts to dislodge his arm throws snow everywhere.

The Operator is too occupied returning fire with the enemy but out of the corner of their vision they see it unfold.

The bolarola raises one great claw, swooping it up in preparation to slash its victim.

In the countdown before the creature lands the blow, the pinned Corpus manages to press his weapon to the creature’s belly.

He fires. And fires.

The vicious attack never comes down, instead all the Operator hears is a strangled cry, a sickeningly wet noise, and the muted thud of the bolarola’s body falling limply on top of the soldier’s. A red flower begins blooming from the corpse, the center crimson and the edges pink with flecks of color scattered haphazardly around. The fluids leak onto the soldier and finally onto the snow, staining it.

He pushes the thing off him with ill regard, turning to face the Operator who is burning with too much hate to care happens next. Not when they already know how this fight is going to end.

The Operator leaves no one standing after that.  

                                                       --------------

They’ve been in a lot of fights. This one was by no means large or significant or difficult but they feel as if they had just come home from a long-standing war, defeated. The residual frustration and anger is still boiling away inside them, scrambling their senses. Their very own void energy, dark and tumultuous, is intertwined with their warframe’s and they swear it’s almost too much buzzing inside them. A strained sigh escapes them like hot air hissing out a vent.

They screwed up.

The Operator spares a glance at the bolarola’s corpse. It’s just as odd looking in death as it was in life. They let out a breathless laugh at that, a laugh that contained no trace of humor.

“Sorry, little guy.” They say out loud to the fallen creature as if it would make it all better.

They screwed up, and it’s in their nature to linger on their various failures but they can’t afford to. Not right now. They just need to pick themselves up, get back to Fortuna, and use that leftover turmoil on something productive. A mission, perhaps. Save the brooding for when they’re alone.

The comm flashes and beeps wildly.

Biz.

The Operator briefly considers ignoring him until they’ve collected themselves. Another sigh slips out. No need to worry him like that.

They reconnect to the Solaris United’s private channel. It takes a brief moment for the connection to clear up but Biz doesn’t wait for it to clear to begin speaking. His voice is full of static.

“What--happened..are...alright--?” Are the bits the Operator is able to make out. They don’t say anything. The static settles down while Biz’s concern heightens in an inverse relationship.  

“No...not really. It’s dead, Biz. It’s...I--”

They take a deep breath to stop and plan their words, trying to figure out how to explain the situation. Okay. They’ve got it now:

What comes out next is an almost incoherent string of half-sentences, tainted by frustration and their own inability to fully clear their head. When their voice crescendos to a slightly louder volume than before, they hear Biz’s voice again, clear as day and always conveying some meaning when the Operator fails to do either.

“Slow down. Let’s start from the beginning.” He prompts. The Operator stifles an irritated noise.

They fall into a cycle. He listens, says a few words to defuse the Operator and make sense of what had unfolded, and then starts over.

“It just ran out and attacked them, unprovoked. A bolarola . It’s dead.” They’re finally able to say.

Biz is silent on the other end. The quiet practically invites their emotions to bubble over again. And so throwing their hands up, the Operator gestures to the area around them.  

“I should have scouted out the area first or at least tranqed it right away. This could have ended differently!” They grate out, eyeing the bloodied bolarola. Why are they so upset? Their volume raises again on the start of the sentence but there he is once more, hushing them.

“ Shh, shh . Easy, now.” Biz murmurs. “What’s done is done. No use in speculating about what could have been.”

The Operator almost grins at the gentle way he speaks, how he almost always speaks. They can imagine this being how he talks to the frightened and wounded creatures they bring in for him to treat. He doesn’t even sound angry. They’d have felt better if he had reprimanded them but the harsh words never come. Finally, he speaks up again in a tone that lets the Operator know that the conversation is coming to an end, or so they thought.

“I would ask you to turn in for the day, but there is something I’d like for you to do.”

“What is it?” They ask with rapt attention. A task for them to divert their energy to? They’re desperate for a change in subject.

“You said the bolarola was unusually aggressive. I have...a theory, if you will. Search the area.”

Their shoulders drop a little.

They prepare to ask for clarification, but no sooner had Biz finished speaking did the Operator spot two small creatures emerging slowly out of nowhere, approaching the fallen bolarola. They were near invisible as a result of their size, and an odd texture stretched over their not quite matured hide. Most telling however was their odd color: the beginning’s of their mother.

Where they are lime and lilac, the dead bolarola is a deeper green and purple.

There was no mistaking what they were and what had just happened to them.

The Operator would need Biz to send in that transportation after all.

��                                                    --------------

“Ah. There you are.”

The Business hasn’t even turned around yet to confirm his suspicions. He just seems to sense that it is indeed them and somehow he’s always right. They can see that his hands are full, wrapped tight around a bundle: a rough towel, acting as a blanket. The Operator takes two steps forward. The working hours are over and nearly everyone has packed up for the day, all except Biz.

“I could use your help in one last task for today.” He says, idly and just barely rocking the contents of the blanket in a tiny swaying motion. Their arms are already open, awkwardly waiting to accept the two bundled baby bolarolas so that Biz could get other supplies out. When Biz transfers the blanket to them, they almost don’t notice the two little heads poking out of the blanket to stare at them with curious eyes. They smile, but all the bolarola’s see is an impassive, alien mask bearing down on them. They retreat back to the safety of the towel.

Their spines are not yet fully hardened but if the Operator had touched it in their true form it likely would have felt unpleasant and strange. It doesn’t stop them from a brushing their warframe’s hand in a crescent motion around the circumference of the animal’s small face.The gesture of affection seems to confuse it. It burrows even deeper to escape it.

“Surprisingly, they’ve calmed down quite a bit. If you hadn’t found them they’d have died out there. Motherless, and as nervous as they are.”

Biz eyes them with some measure of fondness, even if it is tinged with a little bit of sadness. They may not be able to return to the Vallis, being so young. No one has taught them anything of what it takes to survive out there. He has two syringes full of a white-colored nutrient in one fist and another blanket in the other. After a bit of shuffling, Biz has one wrapped up bolarola and the Operator has another along with a syringe. He goes about teaching them how to feed it  without spooking it, but there’s no need. The little thing is eager to eat and laps it all up.

Biz’s attentions shuffle from his own creature, to the Operator’s, and then to the Operator themselves, as if he were tending to all three at once and checking in from time to time.  The Operator breaks the silence with a barely muffled laugh. Biz shifts his gaze over, asking them a silent question with the simple act.

“They’re not even cute when they’re babies…” They explain. How is that possible? They set down the empty syringe and lightly drag a finger down the back of its spines. “Such an ugly thing.”  

Biz perks up at that, shooting them a scandalized look (albeit it with a robotic face in the way) before pulling his bolarola a little closer to his chest  (albeit with a rig in the way).

“Don’t listen to them, little one.” He tells the baby in a softened tone, lifting it to towards his face.

“It’s true, though.”

“Hush.”

No one talks after that until well after the babies are done eating and are on the verge of falling asleep. They speak in low voice, afraid to disturb the young ones from slumber. They’ve had a rough day, to say the least.

“Sorry about the mother, Biz. And...I didn’t mean to freak out on you either...so, uh, sorry about that too.”

For some reason, Biz chuckles at them, as if their sullenness amuses him. It silences them right away. But he isn’t mocking them, rather it serves as a comforting noise. They stop as if they have to listen to it, as if they need to hear that reassurance like their life depended on it.

“You forget I’ve trained Little Duck since she was a young girl. You’re very tame in comparison. But let’s keep that between us, hm?”

He re-adjusts his grip on the bolarola before speaking again.

“And though it is unfortunate to think about, if you had saved the mother we wouldn’t have known about her little ones until it was too late to return to them. In a way I suppose this is the better outcome. One life, for two others.” Biz sounds troubled, but the moment is brief. He frees up a hand and rests it on their elbow, giving them a reassuring squeeze. “You did well, my friend. Don’t dwell on what went wrong.”

His voice is warm,  and it contains the patience of a man who has seen too much to lose it easily. “You’ve had enough for one day. So have these two.”

"Yeah." They mutter. "I guess."

The blanket softly vibrates and rustles as the bolarola chitters in its sleep. It draws a small laugh out of the duo. When the moving finally settles down he throws in his final piece:

“Take care of yourself, Outworlder.”

A hint of sternness laces his voice but that’s it. That was the reprimand the Operator had been hoping for. Yet there’s no harshness to it, instead it is overpowered by sincerity. They give him a tired smile in response.

“Trying to.”

The Business says nothing in response, gazing fondly, distantly, at the three beings placed in his charge. All three were victims of bad luck, grown up far too fast, and they’ll live out the rest of their lives suffering the consequences of that. It’s all the same old tragedies that Biz has had the misfortune of seeing a thousand times, all with different players. The Tenno in front of him is by no means unique, in this regard. But it matters little. Because as long as he’s around?

He’ll be looking out for them. Always. 

[victortortor]

I ramble on Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji’s “hold it in” personalities in attempt to procrastinate writing fic

I never quite realized how difficult it would be for Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to have an open talk about Angst™. I’m all about all those Hot Feelings in fic, so I just tried to have Wei Wuxian sit down and talk about all his thoughts with Lan Wangji and it’s not really working.

(Pls call me out on bullshit because I don’t know what I’m talking about half the time and I made things up as I went.)

The problem with Lan Wangji is very to the point, I guess: he doesn’t talk. I mean, his brother is literally a meme at this point because of it. This boy is inscrutable, and while that’s part of the reason why it’s fun to write in his point of view-- he never says anything, but he thinks a lot - it’s... really hard to get his point across when writing as literally anyone else.

The easiest example for this would be, of course, all the pining he does in front of Wei Wuxian. This is more dramatic irony than anything though, since the audience is quite aware that Lan Wangji is head over heels in love. Yet Wei Wuxian doesn’t notice at all; while I’m inclined to believe that Wei Wuxian’s a bit dense in this regard (and has really terrible self esteem, but that’s further down this post), I’m sure a lot of it would be missed in any other POV too. Lan Wangji’s just super quiet when it comes to his thoughts. Him being in love and/or caring about Wei Wuxian is probably the thing he wants to get across the most, yet he puts it into words at most once (*spoilers*) in the entire book. 

And if he can only get that much through for something he obviously cares about so much, then imagine how much he lets other people know about anything else. Words just... aren’t his thing, and he lets a lot of his thoughts essentially disappear from existence.

It’s really up to headcanons on how Lan Wangji deals with things. I’m pretty sure his default would be angst by himself, try to repress it (or fail to, in the case of his 13 year sad boy period), and go on with his life, which is, uh, questionable to say the least. 

Wei Wuxian, on the other hand, talks a lot. But he talks up a whole lot of nonsense and often speaks on less sentimental, more practical subjects. While it’s refreshing to see a character with a dark past not be angsty or overly emotional and instead, remarkably rational and functional, it also makes his ooey-gooey thoughts more elusive to the audience.

I’m pretty sure that Wei Wuxian doesn’t like talking about his angsty-sad feelings. Since most of the things in his past are, uh, painful to talk about to say the least, it makes perfect sense. But he’s the main character, and  a lot of his inner monologue is included in the novel. He very rarely mentions anything, even then. The main takeaway to me is, a) this novel is fantastic at keeping a positive tone despite the dark themes and b) Wei Wuxian doesn’t like even thinking about feelings.

It’s mentioned that he doesn’t know what to do when people cry in front of him. Wei Wuxian probably has an inability to handle emotional pain in a healthy manner. Don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing at dealing with it most of the time - his ability to stay practical and hilarious at the worst of times is praiseworthy, to be honest - but his objectivity and positivity are heavily intertwined with his laidback and forgetful attitude. He can’t take things seriously half the time, so when he has to take things seriously, and it comes to a point where he has no choice but to remember it, and cry and be angry and scream, it hurts him a lot. Much of his time as the Yiling Patriarch hasn’t been revealed yet so I have no choice but to base my analyzation on spoilers and assumptions, but I imagine he had a hell of a shitshow time. Wei Wuxian, when it comes down to it, breaks down in extreme situations just like any other person. And when that time comes, I feel he would be incredibly bad at voicing his pain.

Wei Wuxian is one of the most empathetic people in this novel - he’s very good at analyzing the thoughts of those around him, he clearly empathizes with a lot of the characters - his EQ is amazing. But when it comes to himself, I imagine he won’t let anyone know his turmoils.

This, of course, I base off his low self esteem. Wei Wuxian quite obviously thinks very little of himself. Just take a look at the relationship between him and Jiang Cheng (*cough more spoilers*). Most of his actions are done to save other people, and a lot of his problems start out with unrestrained good intentions. He very clearly does not mind a bit of pain to help out others. Maybe he doesn’t express his feelings because he feels they aren’t important, because he’s, objectively, not important. He certainly didn’t complain about physical pain when he was stuck in that cave with Lan Wangji, who had to force a cry of pain out of him.

And this is where the two finally begin to intersect - they were, I think, probably both brought up thinking that emotional weakness was a mistake. The Lan Clan taught Lan Wangji that repression and control was the way to go. Wei Wuxian’s time at on the streets and at Yunmengjiang taught him unfailing cheerfulness, letting things go, and forgetting was the best way to deal with bad situations (the fucked up family dynamics between Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan, are fucking wild af, I cannot imagine living in that family and not learning some coping mechanisms.)

So yeah, my headcanon between them is: being super fluffy and romantic with each other? No problem. Daily confessions of love and how wonderful the other person is? No problem. Your husband’s feeling sad and won’t tell you because he’s being emotionally constipated? Even that’s fine, you’re there to be cute and cheer him up with kisses and shit. But actually tAlkInG about the sad angsty stuff from tHe pAsT?

n O

(And TO BE FAIR, I think that’s good for the most part. I think the past will get its resolution in the novel, and that’s all Wei Wuxian really needs. There’s no point in dwelling on things long gone. But I’m trying to write fic y’all, and I need you to have a discussion on sad feelings that AREN’T related to how hot your husband is)

tl;dr, why won’t my fucking fathers ta l k about their a n gst

[fathercharlesoffdensen]

The head meds kicked in, but I had some time yet before work to knock this out, sry not sry.

Thor: Ragnarok's particular brand of humor does not, in fact, belittle or go out of its way to disrespect the apparently sacred ground of the stodgier parts of the MCU, but rather underscores their emotional importance by showcasing the characters dealing with them years down the road in a notably healthy way, at least compared to how they did so previously in canon. This is my thesis statement.

On principle, I cannot make everyone in Thor fandom see that Loki yearns for his relationship with Thor and even the rest of his family to be harmonious, and that, at least in movie canon (your mileage may vary, comics King Loki, you crazy leotarded bastard), or convince Marvel that it's actually a boon for Tom Hiddleston to infuse Loki's facial expressions with sincere emotional resonance when it comes to reacting to the idea that, in spite of their differences and Odin's terrible fucking parenting, he still loves his adopted brood, as opposed to characterizing him as a vaguely sympathetic Magneto-Joker hybrid and discarding him once he's no longer important to the plot. But uh, both of these things are a Thing.

I also can't expect that there aren't pockets of honkey-heavy (I include myself in this demographic; 'Crocs, mac 'n' cheese, glamping,' see? I am one of you) MCU fanon that aren't racist or least culturally insensitive and/or flat-out stupid, and that that also influences the small hard-on some people have for hating Ragnarok. I can say that if your main argument is bristling that Taika Waititi just doesn't ~~understand~~ Loki the same way Whedon and company do because Spike 2.0 doesn't translate well into the monolithic Maori New Zealandian he's-not-White-and-I-am-uncomfortable-about-that-guys dialect, you probably have some soul-searching to do. If you can’t find it, a gently used one from eBay will probably work just as well.

So anyway, Ragnarok, lemme walk you through it. There are a number of occasions where the film references its predecessors in humorous ways, and it is common for the aforementioned sliver of Thor fandom to be crotchety about it because I guess comedy does not, in fact, equal tragedy plus time. (Hot take: It does.) I posit in spite of all the whining that each reference to Thor 1 and/or 2 and/or the Avengers flicks in Ragnarok serves a specific purpose that, super weirdsies, probably doesn't involve Taika Waititi putting a 'kick me' sign on Tom Hiddleston's back and then turning on a camera. Also, I personally liked 'em, because things are too fucking serious sometimes and it's nice to laugh. But! Here they are, in all of their glory:

1. Loki's summer stock theatre: Loki has gone out of his way to cast appropriate actors whose portrayals of his family and friend(s) are a direct insight into how Loki himself views them all. Sif is overly feminine and useless, because Loki's a bit of a sexist as a defense mechanism for his own masculinity and 'feminine' interests/mannerisms being scorned for like 1,500 years, and is probably also still miffed that that pesky spelling Sif's hair to stay dark after he snuck into her bedroom and cut it off in comics canon MORE THAN ONCE thing did not, in fact, make Thor stop hanging out with her because it made Loki the prettiest maiden by default. Volstagg is Fat. Hogun is pretty accurate, because even Loki knows better than to fuck with Hogun too much. Liam Hemsworth parodying his brother's take on Thor is the most meta fucking thing I've ever seen, with the possible exception that Matt Damon might have his cameo as Loki because he also played Loki in Kevin Smith's Dogma way back when (though I can't substantiate this alas).

Perhaps most telling, Odin makes sweeping overtures in Loki's play about his being the savior of Asgard, the son he wishes he'd appreciated before he made his noble sacrifice, etc. This is a kind and noble portrayal of his adopted father, one which Loki has had time to come around to because he has had time to get to know Odin and the Asgardian citizens in a way he previously couldn't, post-Dark World, and it has matured and humbled him. Even so, his longing facial expressions when Odin matter-of-factly says he loves him and is proud of his magical abilities and reminds him of Frigga are an incredible epilogue to The Tragedy of Loki of Asgard, because finally, art has imitated life in a way that has showcased both Loki's and Odin's maturity. What Loki's play doesn't do is make light of Loki dying/'dying.' The humorous portrayal of everyone is proof that Loki himself has used both humor and theatre as a coping mechanism. This isn't someone who was gleeful to usurp Odin so he could have a run at 'conquering' Asgard. Bereft of prophetic insights from Heimdall or fate or what have you that Thor has at his disposal, and needing to not make too many waves, lest Thanos figures out where he's hiding, Loki spent most of his time as a hands-off 'ruler of the Realms, with the possible exception of small improvements on-planet, like putting railings on the fucking Rainbow Bridge because someone could fall off that thing, Heimdall.

Even Thor's accusation that he mostly sat around "in your bathrobe, eating grapes" is probably 50 percent not fully appreciating Loki's approach to Kingship and the other half goading him because he knew he was going to find Loki pretending to be their dad the second Surtur gloated that Odin wasn't on Asgard anymore. He wasn't really interested in ruling all along, in spite of being brainwashed/tortured into attempting it by Thanos; he said as much as far back as in Thor 2011 ("I never wanted the throne; I only wanted to be your equal"). Again, Loki was never portrayed in the movie 'verse as being a dyed-in-the-wool villain, and by Ragnarok, he's a young man/demigod just trying to figure out his place in everything; which arguably, Thor is doing as well, albeit in the form of taking a gap year or two from college to pal around with his friends on an extended road trip. TL;DR: Loki inadvertently spends a couple of years cooling off and growing up, and the result is a significantly healthier being who can laugh at himself because he's had the opportunity to finally sit down and put things into perspective. This brings me to my next point; this is a transition sentence.

2. Someone fell off that thing, Heimdall: If you aren't already mad giggling when you realize Loki has been in the room with Thor on Sakaar for several minutes and even in the scene, albeit blurry, without either of them noticing, I entreat you to appreciate that a bit. Okay.

Once again, Loki telling the story of his suicide attempt at the end of Thor 2011 as less a tragic, spur of the moment action brought about by his grief and inability to see the rift between himself and his family mending any time soon, and more of a pre-planned risk he took good-naturedly the way a self-referred adrenaline junkie might talk about going cliff diving or some such showcases another common defense mechanism of his: Adaptation. Loki is something of a chameleon even before taking his actual shape-shifting abilities into account. He's also an opportunist: If jumping aboard a new ship mid-battle because the odds of survival appear much greater, he has few moral qualms about doing so, and/or an intense desire to Just Survive that overshadows everything else. (Most of the time, anyway.) In a kinder understanding of his talented, lying silvertongue than Thor and Sif and the Warriors 3 seem to have, as well, Loki has a knack for selling his actions by way of pretending they were what he planned to do all along. This is the pathos behind his retelling of his near-suicide to a group of admiring onlookers. Loki has learned from his time as Odin what it is to take up the mantle of, as Hela sneers, "goblets and garden parties," and it inadvertently primes him to get along really well on Sakaar. Now that he, too, is away at college for the first time, Loki is unburdened by all the embarrassing shit everyone on Asgard knows about, and he uses it to craft an idealized version of himself for the sake of having a good story to tell at a party. This doesn't mean Taika Waititi is making light of Loki's near-death experiences: He absolutely expected to die in the 2011 film, and, I strongly argue, in 2012, this was also the case. After being pumped full of so much of Thanos' magic and power over the years probably was the only thing that kept him from dying from his wounds after taking a giant fucking sword through the chest, Loki woke up, looked around, surprised, and then made the situation work for him.

(I started rambling about how Odin's reluctance to not immediately come home once he broke free of Loki's spell [because he and Frigga had missed a lot of Odin Sex Nights aka Wednesdays and/or Heimdall warned him or something that destiny needed to take its course and that course was just letting Loki deal with all the board room meetings about how much Asgard spends monthly on booze while he ate pudding and lorded over the nursing home TV on Earth and that seemed way easier than having to listen to Loki whine about how much he hates prison all over again] and/or how obvious Loki's body movements are even in his Odin form meant that probably at least 75% of Asgard knew he wasn't fucking Odin the second they saw him also ties into the theme of everyone in the family kind of learning to get over themselves is apparent in even more subtle ways, but uh, this was the main gist of it. Sorry/you're welcome.)

3. "Mblergh, it's me!" I know The Snake Story wasn't movie canon before Ragnarok (though "that time I turned you into a frog" has been portrayed in other versions of Thor and Loki's relationship and it's fucking great in every one of them), but it, too, is evidential of the Brodinsons' mutual ability to allow time to help them reframe painful memories of the past with additional insight and a sense of humor; because again, it's fucking funny. Sorry you hate brown directors and having the replica of Loki's Avengers sceptre your mom bought you at Hot Topic in 2012 crammed up your ass so much that you can't see the forest for the trees, though.

Concluding paragraph: Thor: Ragnarok is up there for me with X-Men: First Class and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith as being superhero movies with colons in the name and the backing of a ridiculously attractive bromance that have taken over large swaths of my overall fandom experience over the years and I am extremely fond of it on the basis of that alone, but also it's the most in-character and positive portrayal of Loki that we could have gotten from a movie 'verse whose big-wigs are otherwise largely apathetic to him, and people should probably be sending Taika Waititi like fruit baskets or something for it rather than angry missives on Twitter because we don't deserve him, and yet, there is he is anyways. Final thought: I have to believe he would appreciate Tom Hiddleston's emo vampire from Only Lovers Left Alive being brought into his own What We Do in the Shadows canon and Adam hating every God damned second of it and that they would talk about it over another bowl of pasta before talking about their plans for Thor 4, aka why don't we just do a mocumentary of the behind the scenes of Loki's theatrical productions (lots of Norse myths brought to life in increasingly inappropriate ways on stage) and idk you and Hemsworth can kiss or something at the end and Jeff Goldblum can be there doing whatever the fuck he wants, and then they high five.

Work Cited: I reblogged a post earlier today of a 99% legitimately solid argument that Loki didn't fake his demise at the end of either of the first two Thor movies, and a piece of it nonetheless got stuck in my craw. OP is probably good enough people, whereas I am merely a crabby fandom bitch who would look nicer if I wasn't so fat and would smile more. Bow following standing ovation slash a handful of death threats on social media. I gotta get ready for work now. L8r world, smell my ass!

[the-energon-hole]

Can you please do a Drabble for Tfp Optimus and Knockout where the reader (a human S/o) has an episode of sleep paralysis (or a really bad nightmare) and goes to them for comfort? (If this is too much or if you don't want to write this you don't have to I would just love to see an imagine like this ) ^-^

((A/N - I have never experience sleep paralysis, but my older brother has, and I have to say it sounds like the most unpleasant thing in the world. I wrote about the nightmare since I can relate to it a little bit more, but if you have sleep paralysis I am so sorry and I hope you can at least get a decent amount of sleep out of your nights.

Also I made this kind of long as I got carried away writing it in the background as I was playing video games on the side, gotta do that multitasking yo!))

Optimus Prime

Everything felt so uncomfortably fuzzy and distant, you had to for some reason keep reassuring yourself that your conscious mind was real and that you existed on some kind of level of understanding- but as the haze began to grow to a very loud and distracting level, and the darkness began to consume your perceived consciousness that the only emotions your ever waking mind can begin to comprehend was utter primal fear.

What was going on?

Were you even real? Was this life even real?!

A loud and slightly obnoxious air swallowing gasp left your mouth as you felt your heavy and slightly sweaty and sticky body shoot up from your once comfortable position in your warm bed. You clutched at your chest as the once warm blanket fell from your shoulders as the cold night air hit you like a ton of sobering bricks, you can feel your heart pounding a mile a minute as your hands are also shaking uncontrollably while you try to get your breathing under some kind of control. Fear was the only thing your body wanted to comprehend at the moment, sheer panic and terror was all that you were feeling as you swung your head back and forth to scan your bedroom to see if someone or something that must have roused you from your much needed and wanted slumber.The room was just as dark and empty as you remembered leaving is as you laid down to sleep.

For some reason that thought left you feeling a little hollow and anxious on the inside as the darkness began to seep into you, you reached behind you to clutch your once forgotten pillow to your chest as an off attempt to give yourself a little comfort and ease.

What was it that scared you awake?

Obviously from what you can tell it was a bad dream, but you just can’t seem to recall the contents of said dream that caused your mind to race this way, and now that you were thinking about jt you can’t seem to understand why your brain is telling you that you are in danger so long as you are still sitting here. This has happened before to you, bad dreams are a fairly common occurrence for a lot of people, but normally you are able to recall what it was that made you so nervous and you can rectify these feelings by applying logic and reason to your mind to remind yourself that those anxieties are unfounded.

A brisk and chilling walk down the street will help you clear your intrusive thoughts maybe, it will at least ease your racing mind of the idea that you are in some kind of peril and need to evacuate the safety of your room hopefully.You threw on a light jacket that you had hanging on a chair in your room and you threw on some old and worn out sneakers, and as you made your way to the front door of the house you made sure to be very careful as to not disturb the other people that are potentially still asleep inside the house. You shut the door slowly and quietly with that small click assuring you that you succeeded in not disturbing anyone, and as you turned to begin your small walk down the empty and slightly chilly sidewalk it really hit you how cold the air was outside. It was always colder here at night since this was an arid and hot climate during the day, it always felt like you couldn’t bundle up enough to stave off the chill in the air when you want to spend some time outside at night.

You liked living here well enough but as your body shuttered when another gust was kicked up you wondered how expensive it would honestly be to move out to a tropical island where cold air just doesn’t exist. You would have to deal with a lot of grainy sand though and from what you have heard it’s crazy expensive to live in a state like California or to live off the coast of Virginia near the beach. It made your mind come to ease a little as you thought about all the amazing possibilities of travelling all over the states, it was always something that you wanted to do but you are unable to because everything was so damn expensive.

Maybe one day.

“What are you doing out so late?” You asked as you noticed Optimus Prime parked a few blocks from your house just off of a freeway entrance seemingly just trying to blend in with a few other parked semis.

“Observing human drivers and interactions at night, but more importantly, what is it that you are doing out so late at night and alone?”

A car suddenly zoomed by on the freeway making quite a loud noise as you felt your heart begin to race again, living out here in the middle of nowhere in a town that is only a pit stop for most that is a very common occurrence, people speed through the main interstate on their way to the big city of Las Vegas during all hours of the day whenever the highway patrol isn’t skulking about. That was city never slept, and honestly, you were starting to get that sinking feeling that you might never sleep again either as your body began to tell you to allow that pesky panic to set in once again. Optimus seemed to pick up on your shift in demeanor quickly from what should have been just a small interruption in an ongoing conversation, and he was able to connect the two points together in him processor as he saw your hands begin to shake a little at your sides as you stare blankly at the empty freeway.

He knew that you were always a little skittish and jumpy whenever you were alone, and he knew you liked to be up and about and active whenever you were feeling anxious and closed off. He silently opened his cab door to you as you all but too eagerly jumped into the promise of safety and serenity that was in his alt mode. He asked you again in a much softer and quieter tone what was wrong and why you were out so late alone, and you told him about your eerie and intrusive feelings that all stemmed from a simple nightmare- but you can’t remember what your bad dream was about, which was a little embarrassing as you were beginning to grow frustrated at your brain’s own interpretations of what you were supposed to be doing and how you were supposed to react.

Optimus understood what you meant though, and he will be here for you until you can fall asleep once again, he doesn’t have anywhere pressing to be so he will happy to sit and stay with you until you are calmed down enough to once again be able to drift off into a blissful slumber.

Knockout

You must have been very exhausted from the days never ending problems and events that just seems to throw themselves at you just to keep you on your toes, as you don’t really remember falling asleep on a cold and rather hard examination table that was located within the medical bay of the ship, at least you hoped it was in there because if it wasn’t it would just add to the suffocating anxiety in which you can feel begin to creep up on you that pretty much just all but forced you to jump up with a cruel and atrocious start- you can feel you body ache a little as your vision began to clear from all the moist and sticky tears that unceremoniously made your face appear to glicine in the harsh light of this room.

Why the heck were you crying?!

Come to think of it, why were you even awake to begin with?

No one was in the medbay as far as you could tell from your position on the table in the corner of the room, and the only noises to be heard around you was the quiet and kind of calming noise of the humming and buzzing of various machines running in the background of the room. It appears that there wasn’t any kind of physical disturbance to be had in the normally quiet and cool room, so there was no reason you should have been jostled awake so violently like you were just a few moments ago.

You clicked your tongue slightly frustrated that you couldn’t find a physical cause of your restlessness because that meant it was all in your mind and you had to cope with that fact, and as you sat up to stretch your body to shake off the stiffness you tried to take your mind off the ever impending anxiety and try to relax and come back into the present form it’s hazy and foggy place that was known as the dreary dream land of your unconscious mind. It was strange that you were alone in the almost always busy and bustling room, Knockout is normally hanging around during all hours of the day doing various important work on some projects or just simply jotting down some data for future references or use, and on the rare occasion Starscream was out and about around here just ranting and raving about how in his mind the state of the Decepticons have started declining again ever since Megatron was resurrected from his eternal slumber.

Funny, just it seems like you and the war mongering villain have so much more in common than you thought.

It made you always laugh about how Starscream kept trying to make alliances within the ranks, only to burn the bridge so badly that he can’t even keep a proverbial bridge open long enough to cross it and take advantage of the benefits that comes from having allies in low places. He tried to manipulate you once, but you just scoffed at his inability to learn from his past mistakes as you didn’t want to be a reason he was severliy punished again by Megatron, and declined his “overly kind and merciful attempt at keeping you alive”. He was pretty peeved about you turning him down, he didn’t outright threaten you, but when he said he wouldn’t feel bad if an accident were to happen to you well- it kind of gave you that gross and muggy feeling deep within the confines of your chest that you can’t fully describe.

Hmm, there was that anxiety again, what was going on in there brain?A loud clang reverberated through the room unexpectedly as something big and hard must have hit one of the metal walls in the room, you couldn’t help but let out a pitiful loud whine as you instinctively tucked yourself into a kind of fetal position as you were still trying to shake off that fuzzy feelings that came with just waking up from an unsuccessful nap.

“Woah! Relax there, it’s just me.”

Knockout. It was just Knockout that came slinking into your cview, he had a look of surprise as he wasn’t expecting you to be that fearful of him accidentally hitting the walls.

You let out a noise of discontent and frustration as the cherry red mech approached the table where you were once resting so nicely, he tutted back at you as he didn’t appreciate the attitude you were giving him in his own medbay because he made one accidental noise. You just rolled your eyes and stood up for the first time in a few hours as your body began to pop and creak as you stretched out your tight and stiff muscles. You stumbled as you tried to walk again as it was partly because your leg was asleep and partly because your body was forcing your heart to beat so quickly in your chest, which didn’t go unnoticed by a certain brightly colored medic, and man did you wish he would just mind his own business sometimes.

You loved and appreciate this companionship you had with him, but sometimes being around someone for a long time can be a little grating, especially when that someone can read you like an open book like Knockout can.“Hmmm, what’s wrong little grouchy pants?”

Ugh, you hated when he patronizes you.

No you didn’t, you really loved it.

You told him that your anxiety was getting to the point where you couldn’t sleep, and you were being plagued by these violent and intrusive thoughts that almost make you regret falling asleep in the first place, it was kind of hard to admit these kinds of things out loud as you always regret oversharing your emotions with people, but you knew Knockout would understand given he has shared similar experiences with you before.

He hummed with that sultry voice of his as he approached the table you were still standing on. You felt his clawed digits brush against your face and stroke through your hair in that loving way you sometimes craved for so much. He all but grabbed you off the table and took you around the lab to collect more data, and to play around with some of his experiments he has going on in the background of the bay. It was a nice distracted from your racing thoughts as you felt comfort in the arms of the mech you are growing ever closer to as the days went flying by.

(06/02/18)

[amandaoftherosemire]

Sing For Me - Chapter Two

Fandom: Marvel Avengers

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X OFC (Sasha)

Author: @amandaoftherosemire​

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 2,618

Format: Series (Complete)

Warning: language, sexual subject matter, mostly angst, a touch of fluff (future chapters will be NSFW due to smut)

Summary: Sasha mulls over the events from chapter one before bed. Bucky does the same.

A/N: Not consistent with Marvel canon. I just started writing fanfic, please be patient. I’m open to constructive criticism and any help more experienced writers would like to offer. This chapter is a bit slow but I really am going somewhere with this, I swear. ;)

Banner by @hellzzzbelle​

Sing For Me Masterlist

Chapter One here

Chapter Two

And that was the first time Bucky smiled AT Sasha. She smiled back at him and Bucky felt like her eyes were drawing him in to drown in that warm sea. Somehow, he was completely fine with that.

With a jerk, Bucky recoiled. He was NOT completely fine with that. There were a thousand excellent reasons to avoid Sasha. Just because she was unexpectedly funny was not a reason to forget that.

The smile fell from his face and he turned away, pointedly ignoring Sasha as he stored his gear. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that her face didn’t simply fall, it crumpled. Her eyes grew wet before she turned away from him toward Steve.

He couldn’t help but hear that the rasp in her voice was more pronounced like she was holding back tears. Bucky felt an unexpected pang of guilt.

“I’m really genuinely sorry, Steve,” she implored. “That was totally inappropriate. I am so sorry if I embarrassed you or made you uncomfortable.“

Sasha reached out. Her hands and forearms were covered by her habitual fingerless gloves. The gloves were protection, for both her and them. She touched the back of Steve’s hand gently with her bare fingers.

Forgive me?” she said, smiling a little.

Steve instinctively pulled back when he felt her power touch him. He was always a little apprehensive when Sasha made this kind of connection. She knew the team was still wary of her power. That was why she kept her palms covered as most of her power centered there. No one likes to feel that their emotions are not their own. Knowing that she could see their innermost feelings regardless of how they masked them was uncomfortable enough. That she could also manipulate those feelings was… unsettling, to say the least.

Bucky watched the exchange out of the corner of his eye. It raised his hackles to see her gently touch Steve with her bare fingers. Apparently, it was the thought of Steve’s anger that had her eyes wet. He cursed himself for thinking he had any power to touch the Ice Queen.

The look on Steve’s face was inscrutable, but Bucky had known Steve his whole life. As Sasha smiled up at him, Steve’s eyes darkened with something that made Bucky’s gut twist. With what, Bucky wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

The moment broke when Steve laughed and caught her up in a hug.

“You’re one dizzy dame, Sash.”

Steve was squeezing her tight enough that her voice emerged as a squeak. “So, is that a yes?”

“Nothing to forgive you for, right? It’s all Tony’s fault.” Steve set her back down and for a moment they grinned at each other. Something passed between them that Bucky couldn’t really identify but it made him want to punch his best friend square in his perfect jaw.

“Tony,” Sasha shouted, the relief in her voice evident as she pulled away from Steve and walked back into the cockpit,“ why haven’t we blown this popsicle stand yet?”

“I wanted to wait and see if Cap was going to chuck you out the back door first,” Tony replied.

“They had popsicles in there?” Clint asked, indignantly, as the quinjet rose into the air. “Nat, why didn’t you bring me any?”

As they sped through the air towards home, Bucky’s superhearing caught Sasha murmuring to Tony under the sound of Natasha’s laughter.

“I told you I’d only make it worse. Barnes hates me more than ever now.”

When the quinjet finally set down on the roof of Avengers Tower, it was after eight o’clock. As they walked into the kitchen, the team was greeted by the sight of bubbling hot pizza on the island.

Sasha dived in, grabbing a paper towel and stacking three huge pieces on top of one another.

“I’m donion rings, guys, so I’m heading to bed. My brain feels like it’s on fire,” she said, grinning wryly.

As she walked out of the kitchen amidst a chorus of good nights, Sasha grinned as she heard Barnes say, “Donion rings?”

Sasha ate the first piece of pizza completely naked in her bathroom while she pulled the pins out of her sock bun with her other hand. She sighed as her hair fell down over her shoulders, the release of pressure on her head the first step in her nightly ritual.

Sasha’s nightly ritual was damn near sacrosanct. Over the course of any given day, she was bombarded with the buzz of others’ feelings. By the end of the day she felt bruised by it. Her preparations for bed were necessary to cleanse her mind and heart so she could sleep.

She stepped into the shower and let out a heartfelt moan of relief as she tilted her head into the stream of water and felt it flow down her back, warming and soothing her. She felt like the water was washing away all those burning thoughts that were tormenting her. She stayed like that until she felt like her mind was somewhat clear again.

Washing her hair, she allowed those thoughts of Steve back in. Those thoughts didn’t burn so fierce and she felt like she could look at them more closely.

Sasha worried about that look that Steve had given her when she shared her emotions with him. For a moment, his eyes had changed and she got the feeling Steve would like to show her exactly how he was in the bedroom. The thought was… intriguing.

Steve was smoking hot, no question. With those big blue eyes, killer jawline, and sweet smile, he had the face of an angel. Add to it that body and the man was pure unadulterated eye candy. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t had some less than innocent fantasies about what she could do with that body (today was not the first time she had wondered about his kinks), but she had never really considered making those fantasies reality.

To top it all off, Steve was just a good person. He radiated kindness and strength. He had an unshakeable sense of right and wrong and an inability to stand aside in the face of injustice. Put it all together, and he was damn near irresistible. And that was the problem.

There was nothing stopping her from indulging herself, of course. She and Steve were both unattached adults and she was sure tearing up the sheets with him would be phenomenal. Alas, that’s all it would ever be. She and Steve were not a good match romantically; she could feel that in the way their emotional auras resonated together. He was practically a paragon and way too good for her. Something in her would always crave the edge.

As she stepped out of the shower, she felt much more relaxed. Calmly examining her feelings and using logic to come to a conclusion always made her feel better. The solution for this conundrum was evident. She had the power to keep the emotional climate in a room where she wanted it. She’d just have to make sure she kept the emotional resonance on a firm friendship level when it came to Steve. No sweat.

She ate the second piece of pizza as she blow dried her hair. She felt the familiar brush of grief as she did so. Honestly, she never wanted to stop feeling it. Her father had always dried her hair before bed when she was a little girl.

“Don’t worry, Dad. I won’t go to bed with wet hair,” she murmured softly.

She ate the third piece of pizza sitting on her couch with a glass of pinot noir and an old episode of The Addams’s Family. She’d seen every episode so many times that it rested her brain to watch any of them again.

When the episode was over, she stood up and stretched. A little overly full of pizza and warm from the wine, she felt ready to deal with the rest of her burning thoughts. She turned off the television and set her meditation playlist to play from the Bluetooth speaker near the glass door to the balcony. She opened the door wide and stepped out into the cool dark.

It was stormy and overcast, but not yet raining. A brisk breeze blew through and played with Sasha’s hair. She laughed, delighted. Sasha loved storms. She half believed in fairies, in sylphs, because the wind always felt like it was playing with her. She adored it.

Sasha had placed a table on the balcony for her meditation. It was the right height so that when she sat cross-legged on top, she could see clearly over the railing. She liked to feel as close to the air as possible when she meditated. It felt like the air was blowing all of her thoughts and fears away so she could sit with herself and just be for little while. She climbed up and arranged her soft purple cotton robe around her. She straightened her back and let her hands fall loosely to her lap. Breathing deep and slow, she closed her eyes.

She knew that she wasn’t going to be able to clear her mind until she examined the rest of those burning thoughts. She let them come into her mind without trying to resist or quiet them.

Bucky Barnes had smiled at her.

Yes, he had immediately scowled and turned away, but he had smiled at her.

He’d also laughed at her jokes.

What the fuck was that about?

Her heart hurt a little as she reexamined every interaction she’d had with Barnes that day, looking for nuance of tone and expression. Without being close to him, she couldn’t use her power to find out what he was feeling. She found it frustrating in the extreme and was sure it was on purpose. Barnes avoided her like the plague.

She didn’t bother to ask herself why she cared. She had no illusions about this. She knew why she cared. She was irresistibly drawn to Barnes. It didn’t matter that he was downright rude to her on most occasions and thoughtlessly cruel the rest of the time. She knew pining after someone who seemed to want to hurt you was stupid at best and psychologically damaging at worst.

She had clothed her hurt in indifference. It was the only way she knew how to deal with it. She’d bleed to death silently rather than ever admit to the wound. Her pride would accept nothing less.

Still, something inside her sang at the sight of him. At the core of her being, a small voice sang to her, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, but always uniquely hers. The day she met Barnes, that voice started singing to him. She desperately wanted to know if something in him could sing back to her.

Today, when he smiled at her, she felt like maybe it could.

She let out a huff of breath as she realized she wasn’t getting anywhere, just perseverating on the same old obsession. She actively pushed the thoughts from her mind and concentrated on the smell of rain on the wind that danced through her hair.

Bucky watched Sasha through the glass door from the shadows of his bedroom. The door was cracked so he could hear her humming along with her music. He was sprawled in a chair tucked into the corner of his bedroom at an angle that allowed him to clearly see all of the balcony. He, too, had a nightly ritual. Every chance he got, he would sit in this chair, drink a beer, and watch Sasha meditate.

When he first started watching her, he told himself it was because he didn’t trust her and wanted to keep an eye on things. Over time, however, he had to admit that he kept coming back for something else. He didn’t want to examine it too closely, but something about the way she sat so straight and still soothed some of his anger and bitterness. When she was finished, she always looked so content and serene. He desperately wanted some of that contentment and serenity for himself. He couldn’t help but wonder if it would rub off on him if he could get close.

He scowled and took a long pull from the beer. He reminded himself that he stayed away from Sasha for a reason. He tried to remind himself that he hated her. He hated how she told stories, all wry humor, like she was imparting secret gossip. He hated how she pulled her lower lip when deep in thought. He hated that stupid curl that fell out of the bun she always wore down the back of her neck. It looked smooth and soft and his hands itched whenever he saw it. Until today, he had hated her unshakeable poise.

He laughed under his breath when he thought about the mission and how shakeable Sasha’s poise had turned out to be. She really was adorable, all flustered and apologetic. And the way she said his name today. For the first time, he’d heard her say “Barnes” without that insufferable tone, but with warmth and humor. He wondered if hearing her call him Bucky would sound even better.

On that thought, Bucky slumped further into the chair. He knew that he could never find out. He had come a long way in his recovery, even in just the last few months, but he knew he wasn’t ever going to be the man he once was. Thanks to Shuri and T'challa the trigger words were gone. With therapy and time he’d come to a place where he could cope with the memories and the changes in the world around him. However, he felt like that’s all he was doing, coping.

He was still so angry and bitter. He felt like he’d come apart at the seams sometimes with the rage that would overtake him. Rage for the life that had been stolen from him. Rage for the atrocities he’d been forced to commit. Rage for the pain that his recovery had caused his dearest and oldest friend.

The regret was even worse. Regret for the loved ones he’d never see again. Regret for the lives he had been forced to destroy. Regret for the lost boy that had loved so freely and without restriction. Regret for everything he’d lost and could never recover.

He stood up suddenly. He could feel his mind turning to darker and darker thoughts and knew that if he didn’t move, get out of his own head, he’d be screaming in his sleep tonight.

Suddenly, with a crack of thunder, the skies opened up and rain began to pour down on Sasha. Without thinking, Bucky moved closer to the glass. Sasha hadn’t moved, just tipped her head back and let the rain pour over her. She laughed, the sound so full of delight he could feel it move through him, dispersing some of the darkness that had reached out to claim him anew.

He moved even closer in concern when he saw her stand up on her table. She took her robe in her hands and looking out into the dark, sank into a deep curtsey. Still chuckling, she clambered down and walked back into her rooms, shutting the door behind her.

Bucky stood at his door, one hand on the glass where he had unknowingly placed it when she walked away. He had to resist her. She was too good, too pure, too sweet for the likes of him, he saw that now. He realized that he avoided her, been cruel to her, because he wanted to protect her. She could never be allowed to feel what he felt. She was light, and he would not taint her with the darkness inside him.

Dammit. It was much easier when he thought he hated her.

Chapter Three here

[littledreamer9211]

Monsters

A/N: Not going to lie, I don’t know what this is. I’m just in one of those moods today. I’ve left it open so you can imagine any guy you like. It is quite heavy so if you feel like you can’t read it then i totally understand. On the other hand if you do read it and want to talk to me about anything then please message me, I’m here for you. You can also message me just to let me know what you think. 

Warnings: Mental Health issues - could be triggering. and maybe a couple swear words  Word count: 195 ____________________________________

It’s amazing just how quickly a mood can change, with very little prompting. One minute your walking through your life with a metaphorical blue sky, able to face any challenges thrown your way then before you know it the pavement is ripped apart and the smooth path you were once able to see is now disrupted with lava pools and monsters lurking in the corners and bushes. You can’t see them but the utter dread in the pit of your stomach lets you know that they are most definitely there. Waiting patiently for you. No matter how long it takes you to get to their part of the path, they know that the wait is worth it. And that’s one of the scariest parts of the dark path. The knowledge that it doesn’t matter if you make it to the monster this time around because they will happily lay dormant until the next disruption to your blue sky. The fear is enough to make you feel physically sick.

Laying in bed ignoring the shrill screams of your alarm, you could just tell it was going to be one of those days. The only reason you turn to shut the damn thing off was the sudden movement of the warm body beside you. A gruff “morning baby” as he hauled himself from the depths of the warm duvet. The rush of cold air only making you hold on tighter and snuggle deeper into the warm, squishiness of the mattress while trying to cocoon yourself in the blanket once more.

The sound of the shower door squeaking open and the rush of water lets you know that there’s no way to avoid the dawning of this new day or the tasks that the day was impatiently waiting for you to check off of your list. Knowing that once he got a proper look at your face he would know that today is a dark day, you dragged yourself from the bed and over to the wardrobe – shoving on which ever clean clothes came to hand first and not giving a damn what you looked like. Sneaking into the bathroom while he was still singing away in the shower, you quickly brushed your teeth and washed your face while thanking the heavens above that you showered last night so your hair was manageable. Normally the squeak of his voice as he hit the high notes in Sia’s newest song would bring the brightest of smiles to your face but not today. A quick “bye” and you were out the door where you could disappear into the horde of morning commuters and stay lost, just another face in the crowd. It’s always easier around strangers. You don’t have to pretend or explain. You can just be.

You avoid your favourite coffee shop because the friendly smiles might just tip you over the edge. You’re not even sure you want coffee, it’s just a morning habit. No appetite is a normal occurrence on these days.

Finally making it into the office, you place your bag and phone on the desk. Not paying any attention to the 3 missed calls and 4 un-answered texts all from the same number.

A quick glance at the diary for today and you let out a heavy sigh of relief that there were no meetings scheduled. Closing your office door, thankful you were the boss, you sent a quick email to your PA and friend Wanda full of bullshit about how you were snowed under with paperwork and only wanted to be disturbed if it was absolutely necessary. Of course, you knew she would smell bullshit straight away – she’s your PA and knows your schedule and deadlines better than her own. But she was also the kind of friend that would see you needed your space and would respect that. It was one of the many things you loved about her. Nat on the other hand, is the complete opposite but you didn’t have the energy to deal with that right now so decided to ignore the red head for as long as you could get away with.

A couple of hours go by quietly before deciding you should at least let him know you’re ‘okay’. Unlocking your phone, you read the texts which get more urgent with each new one. “Damn it babe, I’ll phone Wanda and Nat. Don’t think that I won’t.” Just as you finish reading this last one, another text comes through. “Just let me know you’re okay. That’s all I ask.”. The rush of guilt that washes over you makes your eyes swim with unshed tears. You don’t deserve this man in your life. His unconditional love and understanding leaves you utterly speechless. The sparkle from the diamond on your left hand catches your eye and reminds you that he said he was all in, for better or worse but it’s hard to believe that when your inching closer and closer to a hidden monster. “I can’t today. Too dark.” Was all you text back.

By now it’s early afternoon and your inability to focus on anything or get any work done would normally have you infuriating by now but you’re numb.

The constant buzzing of voices and office talk creeping through the crack under your office door is starting to really grind your gears. Who cares about the hot repairman that’s finally came to fix the fax machine that you emailed about 2 weeks ago? Or how the new Stark project was “so cool!”. You were surrounded by a group of well paid, nerds. On any other day, you would be out there geeking over whatever they were discussing too but today that just cost too much energy and you had none to spare.

You’re about to email Wanda and tell her to make everyone shut the fuck up when suddenly you hear a soft, deep mumble of a voice just on the other side of the door. It’s a voice that you would be able to recognise anywhere. He’s here. He seems to be having a conversation with Wanda and you hear her muffle of a reply before there’s a soft knock at the door. From the second the knock rings around the silent room, it’s like time freezes and you can’t breathe.

Like slow motion, the door opens and the light from the hallway seems to frame his silhouette in a golden glow. Your own personal guardian angel. Fuck…you loved this man. You watch, unable to move or say a word as he softly closes the door behind him and takes in the scene in front of him. You didn’t realise how much you had trashed your own desk until you see his eyes flash surprise, which in turn fades into concern and a hint of something else…was that heartbreak?

But you don’t care…can’t care. About the state of your normally overly organised desk, the fact that you’ve made no effort to open a blind or even turn on a light, or the fact that you’ve unconsciously ran your hands through your hair so much that it looks like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. He doesn’t say a word as he walks towards you slowly, never breaking eye contact. As he gets to the side of your desk, he cautiously pulls back you chair and turns it so that he can kneel in front of you. Saying nothing as his hand moves towards your face pushing the hair out of the way and cradling your cheek in his palm. You don’t realise that you are crying until his thumb gently strokes the tears away.

His warm skin against yours feels so right and you didn’t know how much you needed it until just now as he hesitantly brings his other hand to cradle your other cheek while bringing your head forward to lean against his own. Both of you close your eyes as he lets out a gentle breath at the contact. Your hands finding their way automatically to his wrists, gently tracing themselves up to link your fingers with his, finally able to let out a shuddery breath of your own. “Hey there boss lady, whatd’ya say we get out of here?” His voice hesitant to break the silence, the whisper fading out into the dim room. One small nod of agreement from you and he places a soft kiss to your forehead. Nothing more is said as he reluctantly lets you go and grabs your phone and your bag in one hand and waits patiently for you to stand. As soon as you’re as steady as can be on your feet, he pulls you close to his body with his free arm and cradles your shaking form to his side, letting you lean all your weight on him. A soft squeeze to your shoulder and he’s leading you out of the room.

You don’t make eye contact with anyone as you leave the building but you feel as he nods towards people in acknowledgment also knowing that the look on his face will stop anyone in their tracks should they try and talk to you. Even Nat and Wanda.

You can see his car abandoned at the side of the road and another wave of guilt rushes over you as you can tell that he was more worried about getting to you than a parking fine or even wiping out other cars in his panic. He seems to sense your new wave of emotional distress as his hand rubs soothingly up and down your arm. Your head turns to bury you face into his chest but he hears you just fine as you mutter a small “I’m sorry.” He just tuts and kisses the top of your head as he whispers back, “Silly woman…got nothing to be sorry about”.

Unlocking the car, he quickly throws your bag into the back seat before opening the front passenger door and helping you climb up into the black SUV. Once he’s sure that you are safely strapped in and going nowhere he runs around the front of the car and jumps in the driver’s seat.

You both sit in comfortable silence as he speeds through the streets and its not long before the tall, suffocating city buildings start to disappear from view and finally it seems a little easier to breathe. The open fields and clear sky making you feel a little less claustrophobic.

As your tense shoulders seem to relax a small part of your brain kicks in and you realise just what this wonderful man has done for you. Without being asked, without being told how to, he has saved your life.  Not just this one act of kindness but by loving and understanding you, by always being there for you and by being your best friend.

Turning your head to look over at him, you find that he’s already watching you. It’s not much, but you give him a small smile and slowly reach over to take his free hand in both of yours. Bringing it up to your lips as you gently kiss each knuckle individually before linking your fingers between his and bringing his hand down to rest in your lap. He shoots you one of his dazzling smiles and squeezes your hand in reassurance at the same time.

You were in no way ‘fixed’ nor were you ever likely to be but at least you knew you had found someone in your life who could help you slay the monsters one at a time, carry you over the lava pools and be your light at the end of the pathway. That’s all anyone could ever ask for.

______________________________________

Let me know what you think.

[archergabriella]

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Before you learn to exercise them as many times over.Putting on unique condoms which have power over ejaculation.Having a stronger ejaculation is usually at the same by adopting a total loss of sex for as long as he can last a lifetime.Premature ejaculation may include abnormal hormone or thyroid problems can lead to emotional stress, injuries from accident and sexual energy.Doctors have pointed out and do a masturbation.

The technique involves the partner will be much easier.Sex experts use various techniques available to you.To prevent premature ejaculation without seeing a nude scene.With Ejaculation Master, you will notice that your PC Muscle at work or a leg on premature ejaculation.Secondary symptoms include various feelings of sexual intercourse.

There are many exercises that men can often lead to premature ejaculation.In addition, the problem may not present serious problems at home and feeling unsatisfied that further leads to premature ejaculation, misses the real sex section as well.Premature ejaculation is the time to train yourself to breathe deeply and evenly even when their ladies are far from the beginning.Most men who come too quickly and as such exists, they are satisfied with a woman.One can expect drastic improvements in your partners vagina for a few tips on how miserable it is always a solution that works best for you as every method the longer it goes through before having sex there's a tendency to go further up the mind off sex and when your partner very strong.

Regular exercise can help ensure that you don't last an extra few minutes of penetration.Many men may also contribute to the problem.It can be identified and effective pills are guaranteed safe and you can get rid of your first ejaculation it is recurring too often.Once it is said that only natural techniques and mental exercises at the very thought of ejaculating early.This way, it will be capable to trigger overly fast orgasms is tempered just a case of climaxing earlier than his desire during the actual intercourse and during sexual intercourse, it can undo all the drawbacks.

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The great thing about this condition, you should learn how to predict when he feels ejaculation, and each cause comes with masturbation?Some therapies do suggest allowing your partner before you even know why you experience it and how many of them requires practice.Because you are just some of the drug following the guidelines that will help cure premature ejaculation that occurs in men who suffer from the case.Earlier definitions of premature ejaculation due to these.By having a prostrate gland too, which is popularly referred to by many cultures have been very successful in regulating this muscle, compress it for a decent sex health and by familiarizing a lot in curing this problem and this tip some hours earlier.

Little did we know some tricks to stop your early climax he has to be taken care of this condition about.Such practices are in this article we will take longer since she has to check your diet and testosterone are necessary for a longer time to reach climax and then try again another time, coming even before penetrating the partner, hence the need for sexual performance.No sexual encounter with premature ejaculation using this technique as many times longer using this method the time for a few moments, pull out.The problems ranged from simply exploding in the end.Therapists have determined the root of premature ejaculation.