#it’s been a whole thing with my meds and we had to start tapering them off

[mutalune]

Me a few weeks ago: I’m going to be on tumblr more and answer messages and -

Life: actually great news! You’re mentally ill in the not-funny way and we have to change your meds again

Me: ah right I don’t get to do things I like I forgot

[gwydionmisha]

Personal: New GenZ Friend Arrived Safe

I had to stay up for a Thursday morning appointment to meet my new Doctor.  He seems nice and we vibe okay so far.  We just focused on blood work today.  I'm going to go back once a month for the next three months to focus on one area each since my case file is basically the collected works of Thomas Aquinas in size and even with my beloved previous GP's help, no one can get up to speed all at once.  It turned out we'd missed a test a couple of weeks ago and I needed an extra vial taken today.  All of this took the whole morning for obvious reasons.

Which would have been fine except a very nice addition to the friemnd group was arriving today and the ride to go pick them up fell through.  Techie Millenial called me and rightly so, so we went to pick them up.  This is the person who visted around last Diwali and fitted in right away.  Seriously, they are a delight and weren't safe in their state any more.  Trans Overground railroad got them out and they have an apartment with a roomate I am told is cool lined up and are staying with Tecie and Art millenial for a week until they can move into new the new digs.

The problem is the pain situation has been escalating to the point where Extreme pain wakes me and then i have to figure out how to roll over with only 2/3rds of my body working and the "I just got run over by a bus" level pain involved in shifting positions, which does not make for restful sleep.  This is the kind of pain able bodied people would be in the hospital for, but here I am at home trying to shuffle around and somehow feed myself and beasts.  (hospital would be no good.  I don't want a drug seeking note in my file and the kind of medication this would require would make me trip balls.  It's a big risk, because people in my family with this reaction to opiods also respond this way to anti-psychotics.  I've never tried them, but you get someone with extreme paranoia, another side effect of the opiod reaction, who is having an obvious psychotic break, they are apt to give them anti-psychotics, which is a viscious circle.  It was lucky they summoned me to the east Coast my Mother's second to last time in the ICU or they would have shipped her to a psch ward instead of tapering her meds, at which point she was fine except for the whole lungs failing thing.  New doctor wouldn't know to stop them and they might not listen to Techie Millenial who is Officially in Charge if I can't speak for myself.  Note to self: Next month explain my weird inherited response to opiods to New Doctor).  Before you start suggesting things, trust me, I've tried all the mitigation I can reasonably do.  What I really need is accupuncture which I can't afford.  Instead i just have to endure thisand keep chipping away until i'm back to my usual pain scale 6-7 which is a functional level of pain.  This in not.

Bonus points?  My right front break started to grind while I was taking Techie and new GenZ back to their place.  I have no money except the gas money they slipped me and an emergancy tener for meds.  (I have my food OTC left and no EBT even.)  I've scheduled with honest Mechanic for May 1st.  I can already see next month's bill money draining away, but that is a next month problem.  Sigh.

Today would have been a great day to order delivery food.  Instead I stood weeping in the kitchen because there was an electrical issue and the air fryer wouldn't work.  (Squirrel solved it).

I am so glad we got GenZ out of that hell state though. They never knew how tense and constantly braced for attack they were until they came here.  I know that feeling.  My whole body used to relax whenever I crossed the Rockies and the PNW has felt like home since I first stepped off the train all those decade ago.

[resmarted]

haven't been on psych meds all week due to liver failure and emergency intervention to reverse the effects of the damage from trying to replace covid meds with tylenol (even those also give you liver damage apparently and my tylenol levels didn't even appear to be that high in the end? tf?)

have already been on the brink of tears a few times, namely when chris didn't pull my show and said he knew my ability to bounce back in time. i can't even talk about it i will start sobbing it's like the most moving thing anyone has said to me in so long.

was also considering going down on these meds already and wanted to taper off to see how i manage. i have been on a steady combo of anxiety and depression meds since i was 22. i was very exhausted from being the funny girl in every setting to the point where every coworker at whole foods would want to know what was wrong the second i stopped smiling or goofing off. the expectation of me and the sad jester complex that came along with it for years got to be too much. i also felt like i had turned it into a full time job making everyone else around me comfortable which somehow evolved into being an emotional dumping ground for everyone to lay their own issues out onto, whether we knew each other or not. i genuinely care for people but there is a fine line between being nonconsensually assigned at random to become someone's free therapist and being this hardened bitch for setting boundaries and not engaging in the people-pleasing techniques of culturally fetishized support group mentality. or something idk how to explain it but i decided at some point it was much safer to just be seen as a bitch than a free vent box for other people who refuse to get on their own meds or proper treatment plans with licensed professionals etc. people tend to see that you have been through a lot and therefore you have all the answers to get them through their stuff, but it took a lot or work and therapy and is an ongoing process. it's actually really insulting and extremely lacking in self-awareness to make your problems everyone else's around you and being the only somewhat healed person in a room makes you a magnet to people who want to feel better too without doing the work. people don't deserve to be victim to your emotional outbursts or of your vampiric tendencies.

that being said, not to be anye-kay but i was a much more prolific writer and a lot of my best art has been created from the depths of hellish experiences and times in my life. suppressing my feelings about the world and not pouring it into my art is not very cash money of me. also tho the best art is made during the winter and the worst time to go off meds is also during this time, generally for the same reasons. also i think it's generally a lame excuse to say you can't make art with or without drugs. it may be easier one way or the other, but it's likely a discipline or skill issue. like maybe you're just a shitty artist and drugs is an easy way to avoid taking that accountability.

the mental health system is so fucked the regular health system is so fucked the living wage is fucked all of our money is being funneled directly into war and genocide and i just feel like numbing myself any further in this moment of revolutionary history is not the way to exist right now.

THAT being said i fucking HATE how people act off their meds, how they unleash their shit onto you with such audacious entitlement, and ultimately this world is designed to make you feel crazy, so if you can control your emotions in an act of survival then why wouldn't you? but also i am an artist, doggg.

i know how i get when i go off them for too long, how unsavory comments become, even when they are people i know disguising themselves as randos, and fortunately i have had enough experience to know how cruel and demented people get in groups on line (or in general) and have learned to genuinely not go looking for it after years or exposure tharapy alone. the second i get the slightest inkling we are not on the same team, you're out. no questions asked. like i could truly give a fuck what your excuse for your behavior you will or won't admit to, i have enough weirdo fucking stalkers online as it is and have for decades now. if you even have one of those people within six degrees or your social circle you're already on thin ice to begin with. i did not spend nearly forty years surviving this insane fucking life to go backwards. i don't attach myself to people with shitty karma, even if it's just by proxy of their friends of friends. if you want to survive cut-throat environments, you have to be willing to be called the bitch and the crazy one and whatever else will be thrown at you for refusing to adhere to a mold of low vibe mediocrity. you have to treat your social circle like an ongoing audition process that is never fully locked into place and be totally fine with whether or not people will get it (they won't, esp as a woman you will get thrown all those demonic labels and then some) it feels weird in the early days but eventually living in truth and integrity becomes second nature, and the revolving door of people who do and do not make it back for the following seasons of both your community environment of choice or your life in its most personal form always speaks for itself.

people play with fire expecting not to get burnt, play stupid games to win stupid prizes, despite how it ends the same each time etc etc etc.

say it with me: slow and steady wins the race. that falls on deaf ears attached to people trying to be the loudest in the room, but people only like fast food for so long and everyone agrees what quality is at the end of the day. you don't just get that overnight through overexertion and speed racing your way into a burnout. not everyone is meant to play this game according to the arbitrary set of rules on a constantly evolving and everchanging landscape.

this post was mostly for me btw. everything i do in this world is generally just for me. another great example of gaining a following by going against all the made up rules to a made up game that we are all just making up as we go along. [fiona apple 1997 vma voice] this world is bullshit just go with yourself

[cesium-sheep]

welp. time to listen to heel turn 2 on repeat for an hour I guess. apologies to the neighbors.

went to my appt, first it was just a little catch-up and clarification of symptoms then like "oh well I was reading some rheumatologic journals and I think your symptoms fit me/cfs better than mcas?" so I had to give a whole fucking lecture series about how me/cfs is a junk drawer diagnosis that would be an incomplete explanation and not lead us to any options and yes like an acute allergic reaction mcas can manifest with breathing and hives but just like an acute allergic reaction there are also a number of other known manifestations, also cfs without an immune component doesn't generally respond positively to benadryl. (also also rheum doesn't know shit about mcas, most of the experts are hematologists.) then they're like okay what would be helpful for you now and I was talking about how I'm not doing well but I don't have a lot of firm ideas going forward and they hit me with "I was talking with my attendings and it's clinic policy that we'll have to taper you down off your prednisone" "I know it's not what you want to hear" "I'm so sorry" blah blah fucking blah, long and short of it is I need to leave the clinic or lose my meds. those are my options.

I was clear with them that I understand this isn't their choice and I understand where the policy comes from but it's a dumb fucking policy and they should like. go into shit like this with open eyes in future. they said they learned a lot from me and they want me to let them know when I find a new clinic, or if I can't they will start tapering my dose until I do, so I don't just go into adrenal crisis but they're still compliant.

then I went and had a meltdown at arin for like an entire hour because I have been past my limits for 14 months. I've been running on overrides and the iron core will. and I legit straight up cannot take any more. I told her, unambiguously, if my qol gets stuck back in single digit percentages with no clear avenue for improvement, I am going to kill myself, because there is no point in a life like that. and I very very very rarely actually say to anyone when things are that dire, because they all just freak out and a lot of loved ones have trauma surrounding suicide attempts and shit. but it's just fucking fact. I cannot take any more. I'll keep slogging anyway because I don't have a choice but we have hit the hard limit where even my iron will is spent. at least last time we hit that limit there was an actual way out. (missouri)

she says she'll play phone call roulette for me. that's all anyone can really do. (unless one of you has a pliable or god forbid actually useful doc licensed in wa and willing to take uhc.)

you found my breaking point / congratulations.

spent too much of my life now trying to play fair

throw my better self overboard / shoot at him when he comes up for air

come unhinged / get revenge

I don't want to die in here.

I don't want to die in here.

[torque-witch]

While I’m grateful that I’m much better than I was last year, I’m back to having nightmares every 2-3 hours and it’s exhausting. Like yeah I would get them every once in a while before all of this went down, but it feels like my nervous system is fucked now permanently. Did SNRIs help with my abdominal pain? Yes. Does it really feel like my gastro was negligent about the possible brain chemistry side affects? Yes. This is actually hell and the only reason I’ve improved over the last year from literally being unable to eat or stand up without tachycardia is therapy. None of those doctors helped me at all, except for maybe the cardiologist who admitted my meds were first gen and more dangerous than everything that’s out now and they were causing my side affects.

“Being on low dose SNRIs for three years can’t affect your brain chemistry. Withdrawal doesn’t exist, especially not when you combine two of the same kind.”

WHAT. It’s been a YEAR. And I’m still not fully well. Why was I fine for 27 years until we introduced this med. At the very least I could have a different condition exacerbating these results. My cortisol levels were through the roof last year. That shits going to wreak havoc on the rest of my body and the endocrinologist was just like “well you take hormonal birth control so I don’t really care about your cortisol.”

Sir??? I’ve been on it for 8 years without panic attacks or a sleep disorder. It’s not the problem. We introduced something else. Norepinephrine. Adrenaline neurotransmitters?????

I know you’ve all heard it enough over the last year but honestly I am still traumatized. Therapy does really help. But doctors should also be finding the cause, not just slapping meds on everything without understanding the patient’s body first.

It’s like the whole prednisone thing. I was on it for too long and now my body won’t go back to the way it was before. I started developing fatty liver disease markers. I developed tremors during the last months. My specialist wasn’t concerned with keeping me on a regimen or checking in with my process and just let me keep taking it. When I got transferred to UPMC because she didn’t know how to taper me or deal with my withdrawal side affects. I HAD to ripped off of it within a week because my markers were too high. THATS WHY I was put on SNRIs in the first place. To counteract the pain that withdrawing from prednisone was causing me. My new doc said it resulted in severe IBS.

Prednisone is essentially synthetic cortisol. So it makes sense to put me on an SNRI to combat that loss. But that means that for about 4 years my body didn’t produce it naturally. So why anyone is surprised that I started developing hospital level tachy and panic attacks before even getting off of it, why would withdrawal rebound have been such an outlandish idea? My body was flashing all of the warning lights for a reason.

Medicine is great. But long term modulation of our natural processes means that without it, it has to relearn. Seems pretty obvious.

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

Happiness Continues

Part 11: The Delivery

Summary: Jensen and Y/n welcome their newest addition to this world.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 7.2K+

Warnings: Language, angst, descriptions of labor and birth

Author’s Note: Baby Ackles is finally ready to make their first appearance. If you have been following this story since the beginning, you may want to grab a tissue, there just might be some tears (happy tears tho). Also, I will preface this chapter by saying I have never been pregnant nor given birth so please don’t @ me with any inaccuracies, I tried my dudes. Special thanks to my loves for the constant undeserved support and my devoted beta @emoryhemsworth​ xoxo Alex

Catch up with the series masterlist and then check out Alexandra’s Library for more by yours truly!

The winter sun had long ago dipped underneath the horizon, the night bringing a new level of quiet to the residential corner where the birthing center was located. Inside birthing suite two, the only soft light came from the LED strips that followed the length of the walls at the base and ceiling. Currently, they were tuned low and blue, the light mixing with the neutral decor in a way that made her feel like she was underwater. 

Curled on her side in the queen-sized bed, Y/n watched out the window on the opposite wall. Through the sheer curtain, the center’s garden could be visualized. It expanded a few hundred yards until the treeline of the nearby forest began. In silence, she watched the water trickle from the stone fountain in the center. It had been turned off for the season, but the rain that had fallen earlier in the evening still clung to the piece, each drop falling in a slow rhythmic pattern. 

Y/n found it more soothing than what the fountain had looked like last summer when they had first toured the place. She assumed if she was laboring in spring or summer, walking the trails in the garden would be something she found herself doing, even late in the evening as it was currently. But that was a dream she had let go of as the temperature dropped. All she had now was the counting of each drop in between contractions. 

The instinct to hold her breath took over as the next contraction washed over her, the sharp inhale of breath alerting the dozing man next to her. Y/n closed her eyes and focused on taking deep breaths, trying to ground herself to the moment. Fingers pressed into her lower back, one on either side of her spine, applying counter-pressure to the contraction. 

“Harder,” her word was weak, even in the quiet room. The pressure increased instantly, helping her to focus back on breathing through the contraction. It felt like a lifetime later when the pain began to subside before eventually tapering off. The sheets shuffled in the dark behind her before she felt an arm wrap around her abdomen. 

“Where are you at?” Jensen’s voice broke into the room as he pulled her tight against his chest. 

“I don’t know,” she admitted, her gaze back on the fountain outside. “Trying to be anywhere but here.”

“Is there anything I can do for you?” 

“Birth our child?” she tried, unable to stop the smile from creeping up on her face. If there was one thing Y/n didn’t handle well, it was being in pain. She would put back up every wall that anyone had become successful in tearing down, choosing to stew in silence. It was a defense mechanism she had perfected long ago. Never let them see you sweat. Unfortunately, that also meant that she tended to get mean, keeping it all bottled up until she exploded like a shaken can of soda. She truly wished right then that she had a catheter in her back delivering the good meds to her lower body, but she had committed long ago to do this as naturally as possible, her comfort be damned. 

“As soon as they figure out how to do that, I’ve got you, babe,” Jensen chuckled behind her, close enough for her to feel his breath on her neck. She nodded in unfortunate understanding, her hand coming to rest atop her husband’s where it lay on her belly. 

“Actually, could you top off my water bottle?” Y/n spoke back up after a moment of content silence. 

“Of course. Ice?” He questioned, already climbing from the bed to grab her bottle on the nightstand near her. 

“Please,” she confirmed.

“Be back in a flash,” Jensen pressed a quick kiss to her forehead before leaving the room to get ice from the main kitchen in the birthing center. A sigh left her mouth as she pulled herself into a semi-sitting position on the bed and grabbed her phone from where it lay charging. There was a mix of messages in her notifications, all from friends and family with varying messages of encouragement. She appreciated the gesture but to be honest, what Y/n wanted more than anything was to not have all the attention on her. It was yet another symptom of being uncomfortable. Her solace lay in the simple fact that she was not expected to answer any of the messages she received, considering she was in labor and all. Forgetting why she even grabbed the device in the first place, Y/n noted the time and tossed it back on the nightstand. 

It was officially after midnight. Well, technically it was almost twelve-thirty which meant it was Jensen’s birthday. Y/n had found it funny when he had called his mother earlier to let her know that the baby was coming, Jensen had made his stupid joke only to have his face fall when Donna had laughed a little too hard. Her husband was caught up thinking about his mother and teasing the older woman that it didn’t even cross his brain what Y/n going to labor meant for him. Now, as she found herself nearly seven centimeters dilated as the clock turned into the new day, it seemed their baby would share its birthday with their father. 

Jensen came back then, breaking her out of her thoughts but unable to knock the warm smile from her face. He walked around to her side and perched on the edge of the bed, one leg tucked under him as he faced her. Y/n took a drink of the cool liquid, relishing in the calm it brought her. 

“What is that smile about?” He had an equally bright smile of his own, unable to contain it as he watched his wife. 

“Nothing just… happy birthday,” the pregnant woman shrugged in her seat, her eyes casting down to wear her hands now cradled her bump. 

“Yeah, it is,” he agreed, his heart feeling so whole when he thought about it that it felt as though it might burst from his ribcage. There was so much love for the woman in front of him, he didn’t know what to do with it. It scared him sometimes. It didn’t matter what was happening at the moment, but he could look at her and he would forget for a second that the world existed outside them and all he knew was that she made everything okay. His heart would skip a beat so fast he barely noticed and the urge to cry became overwhelming. Only this time, he refused to fight it, allowing a few tears to well up in his eyes. 

“What’s this about?” Y/n sat up, concern now etched into her features as she brought herself close enough to her husband that she could wipe away the single tear that had escaped down his cheek with her thumb. She had caught sight of it, of course, even in the low light of the room. In the few silent seconds that he sat there smiling, she felt warm under his stoic gaze, unsure of what was going on in that head of his. Jensen shook his head, his smile still not faltering. 

“I love you,” he said simply. 

“I love you, too,” Y/n agreed, her concern melting away and taking with it the crease in her brow. Her husband cradled her face in his hands, pulling her face up to press his lips to hers. He poured every emotion that was currently making him dizzy into that kiss, afraid that if he didn’t, she would never know. But she did know, and though Y/n didn’t need more than those three words, she couldn’t deny him the release he so evidently needed. The desperation seeped from his every pore as his lips brushed against hers, unwilling to part until the need for air overtook everything else. 

A gentle knock on the door snapped his brain back down to Earth. Jensen released his hold on her face, watching as it took her a second longer to open her eyes once they parted. He cleared his throat before calling out.

“Come in.”

Their midwife, Melek, snuck into the room, not making a sound as she closed the door behind her. She turned the lights up just a touch, giving the couple a warning beforehand. 

“Hey, I’m just back to check your progress,” she snatched a pair of gloves from their place in one of the drawers and came to the side of the bed Jensen was still perched on. He moved out of her way as Y/n scooted down the bed slightly. Melek asked Y/n how she was feeling as she went about her work. The midwife listened and nodded along to everything she explained. 

“Well, we are getting very close. Based on how you’ve progressed so far, this baby could be here in the next couple of hours. You are going to start feeling the urge to push soon, might feel like you have to poop, don’t ignore that or any other changes you notice.” Melek stood from the bed and tossed her gloves before washing her hands. She made a note on the whiteboard in the room before coming back over to the couple. 

“You are welcome to continue relaxing, whatever feels best. However, if you feel up to it, I would suggest taking a walk in the garden. I know it’s cold and late, but it will help to energize you before the big work starts.”

“Thank you. Is that safe?” Y/n was adjusting her nightgown back into place as she talked. 

“Yes, if you choose to take a walk, I would go now. No longer than twenty minutes outside and I will be back in another hour,” Their midwife confirmed. The couple nodded in acknowledgment of her words, offering her more words of ‘thanks’ as she exited the suite. 

“Well, what do you think, momma?” Jensen put his hands on his hips as he looked down at her. 

“Couldn’t hurt,” Y/n shrugged. She offered him an innocent smile. “Help me put on my shoes?” 

“Deal.”

****

A low groan emanated from her chest as she battled through her current contraction. Her hands were locked around Jensen’s neck as she rested her head on his shoulder. The actor was rocking her back and forth, once again applying counterpressure to her lower back.

“Oh god, I feel nauseous,” Y/n breathed out as the contraction subsided. She let up on the weight she had been putting on her husband.

“That’s normal though, right?”

“Yeah, I was just venting,” she let the air out of her lungs rush past her lips. “I don’t expect you to do anything about it.” Her words were clipped as they tumbled from her mouth before she could stop them. The laboring woman cringed as she felt her husband stiffen underneath her. The soda had popped. Her movements were hesitant as she raised her head to look at him, regret written across her face. 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay, you are allowed to do whatever you want to me today.” The smile that graced his lips was tight, but she suspected it was more from the exhaustion than anything. She could see the heaviness in his eyes. 

“No, it’s not. Come on, yell at me. Tell me you don’t need that shit because you were just trying to be helpful,” she pleaded with him, the guilt heavy in her chest. 

“You want me to pick a fight with you while you are in labor?” Amusement was heavy in his words. 

“Yeah, please? I deserve it. You are being far too nice to me.”

“It’s not happening. Sorry, babe.” Y/n growled in frustration, causing her husband to throw his head back and laugh. 

The sound of yet another knock had her releasing her grip on her husband as she called the midwife in. It was time for the hourly check of her labor progression, a task that Y/n had grown a distinct distaste for. As the hours came and went and it felt like nothing was happening, it all just felt pointless. At this point, she was begging this kid to come out. 

Melek made quick work of the check, a smile on her face after when she pulled off her gloves. “Seems as though it’s time, momma. You are fully dilated. How are you feeling?” 

“Uh,” Y/n shared a look with her husband as their midwife headed over to the tub on the opposite side of the room and started the water. She gave a quick synopsis of what had happened in the last hour before asking, “Are we pushing now?” 

“We can start. Sounds like you’ve already had some urges to. Right now it’s about listening to your body and what it’s telling you. I’m going to grab the nurse while you get in the water.” Melek left the water running and the couple dumbstruck. 

“Okay, I guess this is happening,” Y/n scoffed, allowing her husband to help her from the bed. He stripped down to his boxer briefs while she slipped off the gown she was wearing, leaving her as naked as the day she was born. Jensen helped her into the tub and down to sit between his legs. As the water reached its max level, he stopped the tap and urged her to sit back against his chest. 

True to her word, Melek was back in no time with a nurse and everything else they would need. They flourished around the room, getting ready as yet another contraction hit. Y/n’s grip on her husband tightened, her mind focused on one thing now. Jensen was whispering in her ear, helping to guide her breaths. Y/n gave in to the urge to push, more than ready now to have this over with. The pattern was quick and repeated itself again, and then again, and again. 

The time clicked away on the clock on the far wall, each passing minute mocking the laboring woman as it turned over the hour. If she had thought she was exhausted before, it was nothing compared to how she felt now. Sweat dripped from her forehead, small tendrils of hair that had fallen from the bun on top of her head stuck to her flushed skin. She dropped her head onto her husband’s shoulder, soft pants passing her lips as she tried to relax before the next contraction hit. 

Only it didn’t take long, the pain returning before she even had time to think. The contraction had her doubling in on herself, concentrating on bearing down. Her scream originated low in her chest, the sound of it low as it echoed out in the room. Y/n knew that Melek was coaching her, but she couldn’t hear the words anymore, her body too far spent. 

“I can’t,” As the contraction dissipated, she threw her head back and hid her face in the crook of Jensen’s neck. 

“You can, Y/n. Your body was made to do this,” Melek encouraged, a hand on the poor woman’s shoulder. Y/n swatted it away as she let out another sob. 

“No, I can’t. I’m too tired,” her shoulders shook as she let it all out. Jensen turned and placed a kiss on her temple. 

“Honey, if anyone can do this it’s you,” he whispered in her ear. “I know you’re tired and that means you are ready to quit, but you can’t, not yet. Just think about holding our baby in your arms, you are so close.” 

Another sob shook through her as she indicated her disagreement with his words. She wanted to believe him, she wanted to believe him so badly it hurt but Y/n had never felt so defeated in her life. This was finally it and she couldn’t do it. 

“Look at me, Y/n.” He waited for her eyes to open and focus on him. “You can and you will. I’m right here, I’ve got you. You are gonna push this baby out and we are gonna love it so much all this will be a distant memory. Nothing else will matter but the life we created.” 

“You drive a hard bargain,” she hiccuped out with a laugh. Jensen chuckled along with her, offering another kiss to her temple. They nodded at each other, silent words being passed between them just before the next contraction hit. This time she put all her energy behind it, refusing now to be defeated. It was far from easy, but only she could do it now. 

She couldn’t be sure how many contractions later it happened, the only thing she was sure of was the instant relief that washed over her body. Her eyes snapped open as Melek pulled her gook covered baby from the warm water of the tub, holding up its long body so both her and Jensen could see. 

“It’s a boy!” Melek announced, placing the infant against Y/n’s bare chest. It all happened in a second and Y/n was holding her son in her arms. Jensen was peppering her face with kisses and muttering soft praises, his arms wrapped around her and helping the nurse wipe the baby clean. More sobs racked her body as soft cries came from the tiny body in her arms. Everything felt like too much like her whole being was vibrating on some new frequency she didn’t yet understand. It was invigorating and terrifying at the same time. 

“I told you!” Y/n turned to look at her husband, the sobs that had been shaking through her now intermixed with soft laughter.

“Yeah, you did, babe. I’ll promise to never question you again,” the smile on his face grew as soon as he realized what she was talking about. The giggles coming from his wife seemed to seep into him and soon he was laughing along with her. 

Y/n feigned a scoff, chuckles still seeping past her lips and a beautiful smile on her lips. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Ackles.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” 

****

It took a while before anyone was able to pry her son from her arms and even then, she refused to give up to anyone besides Jensen. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust the nurse or midwife, she just felt that if she gave him up, the feeling in her chest would go with him. Only the soft voice of her husband was able to coax her out of the bubble she had wrapped herself into. Reluctantly, she handed the infant off to her husband who passed him on to be weighed and measured. 

The nurse was then able to help her out of the tub and into the shower, washing away the remnants of her son’s birth from her body. In that short amount of time, she ached to hold her son again. Her mind couldn’t focus on anything besides him, and it pissed her off. She didn’t feel in control of herself, consumed by the maternal instincts now flooding her neurons. 

When she emerged from the bathroom, Jensen was propped up against the headboard, his legs casually crossed at the ankle in front of him. Discarded still at the foot of the bed was his shirt he had peeled away before they had gotten into the tub, but he had slipped his Nike joggers back on his tall frame. His large hands dwarfed their son, who was only in a diaper, where Jensen held him against his chest. The couple shared a smile before she made her way over to him, climbing gingerly into the bed next to her husband and son. Y/n curled herself into his side as the nurse left them to be alone. 

“Nine pounds and seven ounces, twenty-one inches long,” Jensen smirked down at the sleeping infant. Y/n choked out a breath, her jaw dropping open in the process. 

“Jesus, I’m never gonna be the same,” she blew out a breath. The tired woman laid her head against her husband’s shoulder, her eyes never leaving her sleeping child. She could feel her husband shaking softly with laughter. Mostly, she was just as amused as him, but on the other hand, she wasn’t kidding. 

As she settled into her spot, their son began to stir, his face scrunching into a frown. Jensen moved quickly, pulling the kid away and offering him to his mother. 

“What, the first time he even indicates he might cry and you immediately hand him over to me?” Y/n leans away from her husband, a confused frown etched into her features. 

“Uh, yeah, I don’t have the goods,” the Texan flicked his eyes down at her chest before looking back at her face. He had one eyebrow raised and a smirk on his face. 

“Okay, how do you even know he’s hungry? Maybe he needs to be changed?” 

“He’s fresh out of the womb and hasn’t eaten anything, you do the math,” Jensen held him out again. Y/n rolled her eyes for effect when the truth was she couldn’t wait to get her hands on that baby again. 

“Well go get the midwife, I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Y/n tilted her head towards the door. She had one hand cradling the infant and her other was working to pull her gown away from her chest. 

“Right,” he bounded from the bed, grabbing his shirt as he went and pulling it over his head. The door barely had time to shut behind him before he was returning, Melek in tow. The midwife was more than helpful, guiding Y/n and her baby through their first feeding. It took them a few tries before it seemed like they finally got the hang of it. Melek left them again to the peace of the early morning. 

The sun had yet to breach the horizon but that didn’t stop the birds from putting on a show outside. Jensen had climbed back into bed with his family, situating himself as close as possible to his wife. It gave him the best vantage to watch the miracle they had created. He rested his hand on the baby’s head, rubbing his thumb across the infant’s hair. 

Y/n didn’t even bother averting her gaze as her husband nestled into her side. She was far too transfixed on her son. Every emotion felt magnified a thousand times since she gave birth, to the point where she felt like she might burst. It was hard to sort through them, the exhaustion of her body not helping at all. Now, as she stared down at the precious life she and Jensen had created, the only thing she felt was calm. His eyes were closed as he fed, the soft gurgles and breaths he let out the only noise in the suite. 

“He’s perfect,” she mumbled to no one in particular, she just felt it needed to be said. 

“He really is,” Jensen agreed. “I had no doubt, which is why I got you this.” Y/n tore her eyes away then as Jensen procured a long velvet case from behind him. He offered the object to Y/n who took it with her free hand. 

“What is this? It’s your birthday today, not mine,” she tried arguing.

“Just open it, you dork. Besides, you’ve already given me the best gift I could ever have,” Jensen urged her to open it. His eagerness washed off him as he smiled at her, his hand back on his son’s head. 

Being careful to not jostle the child eating in her arms, Y/n used both hands to flip open the case. Laying against a dark cushion inside was a gold bracelet with a row of seven round stones in the center. She caught the card that was placed inside when it tried to fall away, reading the small paragraph. 

‘Customised with seven beautifully crafted semi-precious stones amidst a string of shimmering beads. Each stone is traditionally associated with various characteristics that also typify those born in that particular month – The March birthstone is Aquamarine, which has a pale blue appearance and symbolizes honesty, loyalty, and happiness.’

The tears fell from her eyes as she read, threatening to turn into full-blown sobs. Y/n sniffed as her emotions continued to get the better of her, using the end of the blanket to wipe the wetness from her cheeks. Happiness. There wasn’t anything she could think of better to describe how she was feeling. It was indescribable happiness that had begun on that New Year’s Eve two years ago and continues through the life she now held in her arms. It was happiness she feared she would never get to experience, and yet, here she was. 

“Jay, this is beautiful. But how-”

“I ordered one for February too, can’t be too careful,” he answered before she could ask, earning a giggle from his wife. “You really like it?” 

“Honey, I love it. I can’t imagine a more perfect gift.”

“Here,” Jensen pushed away from the headboard and offered his hand to take the case from her. She handed it back to him, allowing him to take the delicate bracelet from its setting. He urged her to raise her arm, making quick work of clasping the piece of jewelry around her right wrist. “There, perfect.”

“Perfect,” she agreed. 

****

The midwife cleared Y/n and the baby to go home just before noon that day. They had spent less than twenty-four hours in the birthing center, but as she dressed her son to go home she couldn’t help but feel like she was going to miss it. That stupid little room now held so much meaning to her, and she hated it. The exhaustion and hormones were making her stupidly sentimental. 

As they turned into their driveway, Jensen was forced to pull their SUV into the yard since the entirety of their driveway was filled with cars. He hopped out of the driver’s seat to help Y/n from the car before grabbing the car seat with their son inside. Her husband allowed her to waddle along in front of him, a smirk on his lips when she looked over her shoulder before opening the gate to their home. 

Across the stone courtyard, she could see their family all huddled in front of the expansive window that saw into their living room. Everyone waved excitedly as the new family made their way towards the house. Y/n took in the faces of her and Jensen’s parents, along with her brothers and their families. Jensen’s siblings were too far out to make it right now, but even still Y/n was surprised to see her brothers. Donna and Alan had come down as soon as they called to let them know Y/n was in labor, staying in their guestroom for the coming week to help the new parents adjust. She expected her parents too, even though they couldn’t stay longer than the night, rooming in Jared’s guesthouse and leaving in the morning. But yeah, her brothers were a surprise. 

The family was greeted and the door, an array of excited faces welcoming them home. Someone had hung a ‘congratulations’ banner, with a matching ‘happy birthday’ one just below it. Everyone wrapped the new mother up in a tight embrace before passing her along to the next family member while the kids swarmed Jensen and the baby. It took quite some convincing from the parents to quiet down the little ones, all excited to meet their new cousin and forgetting that they needed to chill out as he was sleeping currently. 

“Alright,” Jared’s voice broke above the commotion of multiple conversations. “As the godfather and the whole reason this child even exists, I call dibs on holding him first!” He looked to his sister, his brows high on his forehead as he waited for her answer. 

“You all are going to get a turn, I don’t care who goes first. But stop saying you are the reason he exists, it’s weird… ” She waved him on before adding, “and don’t forget the sanitizer.”

Jensen lifted the car seat to the island as Jared bounced over to him. He literally was bouncing on the balls of his feet, his sister rolling her eyes as she followed behind him. The giant of a man moved delicately as he pulled the sleeping infant from the car seat. If she had thought her son looked small in her husband’s arms, it had nothing on how he looked compared to Jared. He took the newborn over to sit on the couch, all the cousin’s swarming him in no time. 

“You need anything?” Jensen put his hand on her lower back to bring her attention from their family to him. 

“A water?” She suggested as she looked over to him, knowing she would need it sooner rather than later. He nodded and turned to grab a water bottle for her. A soft ‘oh’ had her turning her head back towards her husband. Jensen stepped out of the way to show her their freezer full of Tupperware of different foods. 

“We all made a few things for the freezer. I know Donna is staying with you for a little while, but once she is gone, you’ll thank me,” Y/n’s mother appeared next to her. 

“Thanks, mom,” Once again she found herself fighting back the tears as she pulled her mother into a tight embrace. Sharon ran her hands up and down her daughter’s back as the younger woman refused to let go. Half of it was not wanting to let go, the other half was hiding her tears in the black sweater her mother wore. When she finally relented, Jensen was standing there with a tissue. He offered it to his wife who took it with a sheepish smile before he also hugged his mother-in-law. 

The group in the kitchen returned to the living room where the rest of the family was, fussing over the baby. Jensen sat down in his chair near the fireplace that was angled to where the rest of the family was on or near the couch. He grabbed his wife’s wrist and pulled down along with him, situating her into his lap. The new mother fidgeted in her seat, struggling to get comfortable. 

“Would you stop that?” Jensen’s voice was low in her ear as he squeezed her legs in a vain attempt to hold her still. 

“I-,” She shifted again with a soft sigh before turning to whisper in his ear. “I’m very sore down there, and your legs are not the most comfortable right now.” His lips formed a thin line as he nodded. Before she could say anything else, he lifted and moved them both so she was situated in between him and the side of the chair, effectively taking the pressure off of her sensitive area. 

“Better?” 

“God yes,” she huffed before snuggling into his side. The couple watched content as their family traded their son around. The looks of amazement from the kids and the near tears from the adults filled her heart more than she imagined it could have ever been before. Just when she thought it was full, it somehow found room for more love and happiness. 

“So, have you two decided on a name yet?” Sharon spoke up as he was passed to her. The older woman was gently bouncing on her feet, her husband peering over her shoulder. 

The new parents shared a look, unsure which of them should answer the question to the information they had filled out in his birth certificate just before leaving for home. Everyone had been asking since they got the news he was officially here, though the couple didn’t have an answer as they struggled to come up with something. Jensen tilted his head to her, signaling that she should answer. 

“Yes, after an agonizing two hours of staring at him and willing him to tell us what his name should be, we finally picked one,” Y/n explained, her husband chuckling next to her at the memory of her talking to him as he slept. “His name is Ezra Jay Ackles.” 

There were murmured compliments and agreements that the name more than fit the little bundle of joy they had just welcomed into their family. Sharon passed Ezra on to his other grandmother, the woman giddy as she took over baby holding duty. Ezra had woken up by now, his dark eyes searching and unsure of the commotion around him, but he had yet to fuss. 

“Did you go with Jay because he looks just like Jensen?” she questioned, not taking her eyes off the infant in her arms. 

“Ugh don’t remind me,” Y/n huffed, her face scrunched up at her mother-in-law’s words. 

“Hey, I thought you liked the way I looked,” Jensen pouted next to her, but she could see the twinkle in his eye. 

“That’s not the point. It would be just my luck that I carried him for nine months, was in labor for over eighteen hours while also needing to feed him every two hours, for him to look just like his dad. Where’s the justice in that?” Y/n frowned as her family laughed at her confession. 

“Welcome to my world,” Gen piped up. “All of them, little clones of their dad.” The Padalecki women all nodded in agreement to that sentiment, much to the annoyance of their husbands. 

“Hey, the Padalecki genes are strong, we can’t help it,” Jared protested, making Jensen throw his head back in laughter. 

“If that’s true then I guess the Ackles genes are even stronger,” the new father countered, earning a shove from his wife. 

“Alright you two, put the rulers away,” her joke got the rest of the room cackling at the boys’ expense. That satisfied the woman more than she would ever admit. 

Not long after the reveal of their baby’s name, the family began to pack things up and head out. It had been a busy and tiring twenty-four hours for the new little family, and their loved ones headed out to give them some peace. Once everyone was gone, Alan offered to go to the store and grab something to whip up for dinner, leaving just Donna with the new parents. 

“Y/n, honey, why don’t you go lay down. I know you haven’t really slept since yesterday,” Donna piped up, noting how the woman’s eyes were getting heavy. She was curled up on the couch next to her husband who was holding their son once again. Donna was picking up the mess left by the family. 

“Mmm that sounds good but he will have to feed soon, I should just stay here,” Y/n answered with a hum. She couldn’t deny, a nap sounded wonderful but everything was about Ezra and his needs now. 

“Couldn’t we just give him a bottle?” Jensen asked, earning a shake of the head from both of the women in the room. 

“No, if you guys are committed to breastfeeding, she’s got to get her milk supply in and the best way to do that is for him to feed. Also, there is nipple confusion,” Donna stated matter of fact with Y/n nodding along the whole time. 

“Nipple confusion?” Jensen looked to his wife, confusion written all over his face. The term sounded familiar to the actor, but he couldn’t for the life of him come up with a definition. 

“It means that Ezra could get confused between the bottle and the breast, and the concern is that he would prefer the bottle,” Y/n explained, her hand absentmindedly running along her son’s cheek.

Jensen nodded in understanding and shrugged, “Not if he’s my son.” 

The new mother reared back in confusion. “Why?” was the only thing Y/n could say after she and Donna looked at him with equal disgust and disappointment. Jensen grimaced under their looks before she continued. “Your mother is in the room.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Mom, I don’t know why I said it,” the look of shame on his face morphed into fear as he prepared for a scolding, but that moment never came. Instead, Donna stood and walked over to where they were seated. 

“Alright, give me the kid,” the older Mrs. Ackles reached out for her grandson. Jensen gave him up without question. “Both of you need to sleep. Don’t worry, I will come and get you if he gets hungry.” 

“It’s best not to argue with her when she makes that face,” Jensen muttered under his breath, but not so quiet that his mother didn’t hear him. She raised her brow at him, an action that was remarkably similar to the one Jensen often emulated. 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Y/n agreed, allowing her husband to help her to her feet. Jensen gave his mom a quick peck on the cheek in passing as he pulled his wife along with him to their bedroom. 

Inside the curtains were still drawn from when they had left yesterday, only a small sliver of light peeking into the room from its edges. Neither of them bothered with changing, knowing it was too much work for now. Instead, Jensen just turned down the bed, allowing them to slip under the cool covers. He settled into the pillows, lifting his arm to invite her back to his side. Of course, she obliged, snuggling into his chest with one hand placed where she could feel the steady beat of his heart under her fingertips. 

Jensen wrapped his arm around her, his hand resting against her arm, rubbing soft circles against her skin. He stared up at the ceiling in the semi-dark room, watching the spinning blades of their ceiling fan make countless revolutions. His mind was racing, all the emotions of the last day starting to get to him now that he had nothing else to focus on. 

Y/n was silent as well, but he knew she hadn’t fallen asleep yet, her body still too tense to have fully succumbed to the exhaustion. If he wanted to ever get some shut-eye, he knew he had to get some things off his chest. He needed to let go. 

“You know what this reminds me of?” There was a gruff undertone to his voice, yet it still managed to be soft as he sought to not startle his wife. She hummed in response, letting him know she was listening. “Our first night together. Well, after… everything.” 

“How so?” Y/n shifted so she could have a better view of her husband who now had her full attention. 

“I couldn’t sleep then either. Too much going on in my head,” Jensen took a deep breath, his eyes still on the ceiling as he continued. “I kind of have this tendency to push all my emotions to the side to deal with them another time, even if that other time never comes, but that night, I just… I couldn’t get myself to do it. As I stared down at you, sleeping against my chest with that stupid little content smile on your face, I realized that you were worth all of it, every emotion: the fear, the anxiety, and even the guilt; they were all worth feeling for you.”

The crease in her brow deepened as her husband confessed to her what he went through that night. Jensen looked down at her then, a smile on his face and tears once again pooling in his eyes. He brought up his hand to caress her cheek before continuing. 

“I never believed in love at first sight, hell, I still don’t, because even through all of that fear and anxiety what I felt most of all was love, and that didn’t happen overnight. It happened in the weeks we had spent in the makeup trailer, in the way you trusted me with the things you wouldn’t even tell your brother, and in your sarcastic comebacks that never failed to surprise me. I spent weeks falling in love with you and didn’t even realize it.”

“The only thing I could do was watch you sleep, so irrevocably in love with you that I was scared if I pushed away those bad feelings… if I didn’t consider every possible thing that could wrong from that moment on, that I would lose the best thing in my life now, so that’s what I did, just watched you sleep and go over every possible scenario my mind could come up with of how us being together could go wrong. I know...” He had to stop again, needing a moment to take a shuddering breath. “I know that day when I told you we needed a break hurt you and made you question everything I ever said to you and sure we’re past it now, but I really need you to know that when I came to you that next morning and asked you to go on one date with me, I didn’t make that decision lightly. I had decided before you even tried to sneak out of the guesthouse that you were worth everything.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” After he was silent for a moment, she couldn’t bear it any longer. 

“Because I… I feel so much right now that I can’t shut it out. The love I feel for you and our son right now, I want to stay in that feeling forever. Even if it means facing every fear or anxiety over making sure you both are safe and happy and thriving. I just had to let you know that you two are my whole world now and I will spend the rest of my life never letting you forget it,” Jensen confessed, allowing the tears that he had been biting back now flow freely. Deep down he knew it was what he needed, that release of every emotion before he could truly relax. Just like she also knew that the time for words was over.

“Thank you for telling me that,” she nuzzled back into his side, pressing her cheek against his chest to listen to his heart again. Y/n knew it wasn’t easy for her husband to admit all of that to her. Those true moments where he exposed himself fully to her were rare. Not that she minded, Y/n didn’t need him to cut out his heart and serve it on a silver platter. Her husband was a man of action. He showed her all she needed to know in every first cup of coffee he brings her in the mornings or running her a bath when she needs time alone. Marriage is as much about the little things as it is about any grand declaration. If you asked Y/n, she would take the soft smiles and lingering touches over a grand speech any day, but this was nice too. 

Part 12: Home

Forevers: @22sarah08​ @akshi8278​ @anathewierdo​ @atc74​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​​ @briagallen​ @callmekda​ @dawnie1988​ @deandreamernp​ @deanwanddamons​ @ellewritesfix05​ @emoryhemsworth​ @foxyjwls007​ @hobby27​ @janicho88​ @jensengirl83​ @katehuntington​ @lyarr24​ @malfoysqueen14​ @miss-nerd95​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @msmarvelouswinchester​ @polina-93​​ @sleepylunarwolf​ @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan​ @smol-and-grumpy​ @suckmyapplejacks​ @superfanficnatural​ @supraveng​ @talesmaniac89​ @thoughts-and-funnies​ @tranquility-or-chaos​​ @waywardbeanie​ @winchest09​

Happiness Continues: @afangirlreacts​ @anaelsbrunette​ @ashleyrose0117 @austin-winchester67​ @cno92​ @deanbowlegsackles​ @deangirl93​ @deans-baby-momma​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @dvnmbabe​ @fangirl199813 @spndestiellover​ @hoboal87​ @itsdesiree86​ @jbsgirl4eber11 @let-me-luve-you​ @linki-locks11​ @lunarmoon8​ @neverland14353​ @onethirstyunicorn​ @parinarain​ @rebeccathefangirl​ @rebelemilu​ @smoothdogsgirl​ @spnfamily-j2​ @squirrelnotsam​ @stoneyggirl​ @supernatural3002​ @traceyaudette​ @winchestergirl82​ @winqhster​ @zpandaqueen​

[fckwritersblock]

Act 1: While We’re Young

Chapter 5

Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens x Black OC

(Unedited.)

Tuesday

January 10th 2005

Last night was the only night I'm allowing myself to cry over him and his 'return'. What good would it do me? No, I was gonna take Erik and whatever he had to throw at me by storm.

Waking up the next day, I feel refreshed. Like a brand new person with a more positive mindset. Today I had 3 classes and I'm determined to have a good Erik free day.

That whole Erik free thing went out the window as soon as I got to my first class.

Double O Computer Programming 1 was a junior class, however I'd taken it during the summer during my first year at UC Berkeley. DOCP 2 wouldn't be available until next semester but I needed to have a class since this was my first year on the actual campus. Thankfully Miss Hill really needed a T.A and the fact that I could help with an algorithm that tied into thermal nuclear astrophysics had her sold.

Right after I finished taking attendance, she barely got a word out before the door swung open revealing Erik as our late comer. I quickly glanced at the sheet in front of me, scanning for his name. I was so use to calling him N’dajaka when we were kids, I completely skipped over ‘Erik Stevens’. I huffed rolling my eyes, arms crossed over my chest. His timbs were the only thing heard shuffling across the room making hid way toward the front of the class. Wordlessly he handed Miss Hill before his eyes were on me. They scanned me from top to bottom, before locking with me a smug grin on his lips.

"Hey Lona," my jaw dropped.

Before I could get out a word, Miss Hill opened her mouth, looking up from the paper he handed her.

"Welcome Erik, sorry for the confusion."

"It's all good," he shrugged.

"Im Miss Hill, and I see you already know my aid. As I explained to the class prior to taking attendance, If I'm unavailable feel free to email or call her during the hours listed on the sheet." She is then took a sheet from me and handed him to me. "Other than that, find a seat."

He nodded pretending look over the sheet before averting his gaze back on me.

"I'm definitely gon do that."

Fuck my life right?

Well, Erik just so happened to be in the Calculus class I skipped two days ago. I thank God my record was squeaky clean and Mr. Kennedy accepted my poor excuse before I was quickly reminded the man upstairs has a sense of humor as the only available seat was next to Erik.

"The person next to you will be your partner for the remainder of the semester so let's take the next 15 minutes getting know one another hmm?." Mr. Kennedy instructed.

I couldn't suppress the groan that slipped as Erik casually leaned back in his chair, examining me.

"You heard the man, get to know me."

"I know all I need this know about you Erik."

"Oh so I'm Erik now? Like that?" He spoke cool, calm, and collected like our exchanged was normal.

I gripped my pencils tight, my knee bouncing up and down my body tense.

"Let me set things straight now. We don't need to talk to one another. If it doesn't have anything to do with any of the classes we take together, don't want to hear it. When you see me act like you don't know me. We clear?"

The expression on his face was unreadable before his lip twitched slight him responding.

"Crystal."

Wednesday

January 24th, 2005

It had been two weeks since Erik showed up here.

Ok that's a lie.

Apparently this man has been here. And to top it off, this mans name was in every bitch mouth like the second coming of Jesus Christ. From what I've observed though, he doesn't say much, or gives any of these broads much attention. He don't say much in general actually, he's really good at blending in. He got that laid back, mysterious, bad boy vibe going for him and these females out here hella into that.

But when he opens his mouth, that cocky bastard sure knows how to disrupt my entire soul at least while we're in class.

Outside of class though, he acts like I'm invisible.

It was like he never knew me. And honestly, I don't know how to feel about it. I know that's what I said I wanted but it bothers me just the same.

Today in particular though, he argued me down during our Calculus class. We had one problem to figure out before we could leave class today. You and your partner were supposed agree on the answer, and heaven forbid he just agree with me so we can get out of here. Math was always my subject when we were kids, nothing has changed. I was damn near about to say fuck it when he started laughing.

What in the entire fuck it so funny?" I was fuming.

"You," he shook his head. "You really hella mad."

"Um, YES!" I damn near shouted fed up. "You literally been tryna convince me it's 5 when it's-"

"Chill. I know the answer is 3 girl. C'mon, let's go." So smoothly he closed the book, grabbed his bag and headed to the front.

I was so upset, I had to let him do all the talking when it came to explain to the teacher I'll answer and how we got there. I know I open my mouth I wasn't going to say anything nice.

"Girl what crawled up your ass and died?" Donise questioned with a stank look as we sat at one of the benches outside of the library.

"Yeah What did Erik do now," I could hear teasing in Tatiana's tone so I flipped her off.

Only giving a brief explanation, I went on a mini rant about what happened in class 20 minutes ago. Donise's thought it was funny, while Tati just shook her head.

"I still can't believe it him," Tatianna glanced as a group of guys from across the quad headed our way, Erik included.

"Yes, and I wish it wasn't."

Tatianna was the first real friend I made in a while. I was actually tutoring her online for a while before she found out I was 4 years younger than her. Our friendship started off as a trade. I was her tutor and she both convinced and enrolled in a mentor program to help me with my social skills. I didn't speak to anyone much when Erik left, but I got into a lot of fights. According to the school counselor I was taking out my anger and abandonment issues on.I have meds to tame the anger, and while I haven't had to take them in a while Eric definitely bring that anger out of me.

"Girl that's just sexual tension. You got to fuck all that out." Ashley put in her unwanted two cents.

"Trust me when I tell you on God it isn't."

"Well if you out to holla, then trust and believe I will." She tossed her hair over her shoulder

I didn't really mess with Ashley like that, but she was Tati's frat sister which made them 'friends'. That little thot pocket will screw anything with legs, D, and a pulse and I'm not bout that life. Plus she messy as fuck and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.

"I don't doubt it," I smirked as Donise said exactly what I was thinking.

Donise was coo' though, I meet her when I first got here 2 months ago. Believe It or not she was apart of the welcome comity for MIT and turned out her and Tatiana were already friends. Once she figured out  who I was, I was shot to the front line during registration and everything.

"Anyways, y'all going Ant and them party tomorrow?" Ashley questioned probably tryna bum a ride.

"What party?"

"The Que's," Donise answered. "The dudes with Erik are frat."

Now this was news to me. I met most of them before but I had no idea there were in a sorority. Examining them, I guess it all made sense. Most in the clique sported some sort of purple and yellow lanyard either around their neck or on their keychain that hung from their jean pocket as if  they wanted everybody to know who they were. Which I wouldn't doubt.

"Ladies! What we chattin about?" Moses questions every bit of his thick English accent tapering off every word.

"Our plans for mañana," Tati answered l

"Word. Y'all coming to the party tomorrow?" Jay spoke playing with a few strands of Donise's curls.

"Tomorrow? It's Thursday." I said confused. "Ain't there class the next day?"

"What's the matter, you can't hang?" I glared at Jay, knowing he was only chastising me because him and Erik were close, according to Tati.

I swear to God men gossip more than women do. Rolling my eyes I spared Erik a glance and he looked like he was waiting on me to respond.

"Oh, I can definitely hang."

I couldn't hang.

Around midnight I was  in the bathroom throwing up everything, damn near hug in the toilet as my surrounding looks so blurry and I can barely function. Im not sure when I'd finally finished, but I could feel someone picks me up and out the bathroom and soon everything goes blurry and then black.

Tag list: @kitesatforestp @xsweetdellzx @justgetitoverwith0 @letsshamelessqueen-m @cmkcolove @readingaddict1290

[relapseblog]

A bit about me...

It started innocently enough.

At the age of 11 I started smoking marijuana. I liked the way it made me feel. For a kid who suffered a great negativity, who was always on guard, whose mind was always racing and never about anything pleasant... it was great to feel all the tension and hostility dissipate. Marijuana allowed me to be creative, have fun, interact with other children on a child’s level, and enjoy the spoils of being a child.

This newfound jovial disposition that marijuana allowed me to experience did not last long, however, until things took a swift and sharp turn leading me into a seeming adulthood earlier than any individual should ever be forced.

To have more of that spirited carefree feeling wholly preoccupied my brain. Each day I needed more marijuana and by the age of 12 I was drinking alcohol fairly regularly.

By age 13 I had shot up heroin for the first time.

How did I acquire heroin at such a young age, well, with the prevalence of the drug in the town in which I live it was pretty simple.

I was at an all ages heavy metal show downtown, and I met an older guy who was a user and also a seller of the drug. It seemed to escape me at the time, but looking back it’s plain to see that the man was a pedophile. But at the age I was the thought of it being off did not cross my mind. I thought it was cool that he liked me and wanted to hang out with me and be with me.

Not only was the attention I was getting from this older guy intoxicating, the prospects of what this drug he was into could do was enticing to say the least. Knowing what marijuana and alcohol accomplished for me, I couldn’t wait to see what I thought of as the ultimate drug could do.

Did I realize heroin was dangerous and addictive? Yes. There were rock musicians whom I idolized who had met their demise due to the drug. We learned about the different kinds of drugs in school and their potential to be very dangerous. I wasn’t a stupid kid by any means. I know heroin was bad.

I was apprehensive to want to try it the first couple of times me and this guy hung out. I knew the dangers and in all honesty I was a little scared. But it didn’t take long for me to talk myself into it. I rationalized my decision to try it by reminding myself that my mother had dabbled in drugs in her past and never got addicted. I thought I was going to be like my mother; unfazed by the addictive perils of drugs. Boy, was I wrong!

At the tender age of 13 I became a heroin addict. Of course, I would’ve never admitted that to myself at the time. Heroin was just like marijuana and alcohol for me; I always wanted more, and more wasn’t a problem.

Fast forward 2 years to when I was a sophomore in high school at age 15. I had a job as a prep cook at a restaurant where I met a coworker who was a man in his late thirties that introduced me to meth. I didn’t like it nearly as well as I liked heroin, and I didn’t use it often. But the meth thing will be important later.

Fast forward 4 more years to when I’m 19 years old, graduated from high school, and a college flunky. I managed to get clean off heroin by myself by weaning myself through the method of tapering my dosage of OxyContin and Dilaudid pills until I quit taking them altogether. I like to claim I quit heroin cold turkey, but was it really cold turkey if I just replaced it with OxyContin and Dilaudid? Not exactly I suppose. But nonetheless I was very proud of myself. Having failed my entire first year of college was unacceptable and I knew something had to change, so, I took the initiative to quit using and would re-enroll in classes.

Upon quitting use of opiates I earned my associate’s degree in criminal justice in 2016 despite a growing problem.... Since being clean from opiates I got heavier into meth. I’d use maybe twice a week on pay days, but that was it. Didn’t seem like an issue if I wasn’t using every day, and besides, I told myself that as long as I wasn’t on heroin I was doing great!

Fast forward 4 more years and I remained clean off opiates this whole time, but was now 23 years old and using meth nearly all day every day whenever I got a chance, even at my place of employment which was an inpatient substance abuse treatment facility. I went to work every day facilitating therapy and support groups for addicts whilst I was still writhing in active addiction. At times even using meth inside the facility. I felt horrible about myself, but I still wasn’t willing to admit that meth had become a problem.

It took losing my job, having intense fall outs in my relationships, going to jail multiple times, catching multiple charges, relapsing on heroin, and being forced into outpatient treatment to get me clean.

I can no proudly say I’ve been clean of all substances since November of 2018.

Currently I am studying for my bachelors in criminal justice and have about a year left before I graduate, I am also minoring in psychology. I have two jobs, one working at a youth shelter, another working at the inpatient substance abuse facility at my county’s jail.

I remain active in outpatient treatment, mental health therapy, and psychiatric services (though the pandemic has thrown a real wrench in my counseling and therapy, but I still am taking my meds).

I am a heroin and meth addict with co-occurring bipolar disorder who is functioning working two jobs and going to school. There was a time I didn’t think I’d make it to high school. There was a time I didn’t think I’d make it out of high school. There was a time I didn’t think I’d make it to 21. I certainly never could’ve fathomed I’d make it to 25. But here I am! Committed to growing and learning more about myself and any and everything else I can learn about every single day!

I used to believe that I would die high on a drug, and that I would die young. I no longer have to believe that! I never would’ve thought I’d be capable of experiencing the shifts in perspective that I’ve experienced.

Recovery is truly life altering.

Despite all I’ve been through I wouldn’t change how a single thing played out in my life thus far. All of it has contributed to making me the woman I am today.

[marshmallowgoop]

This is something I should have edited together.

So here it is: (a lot of!) the sweet messages I’ve received in the last month or so that are in direct response to my anonymous hate mail. 

I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard it said that humans are remarkably negative creatures, and it takes so many more positive experiences to balance out just one negative experience. And maybe it’s not that universal a thing, but I can say that it sure feels relevant to my own life.

So, I think it’s important to remind myself that, no matter how much it seems like it’s so easy to attack me but so difficult to support me, I’ve actually received far more kind messages than cruel messages throughout this whole mess. And the kind messages are so much more thoughtful, too—and often attached to real names! 

And... I think that says something when I’m as cringey and humiliating as I am. These folks aren’t too ashamed to say that they’re here for me and what I do.

(But that said, I have removed names from anything that wasn’t a reblog or reply because I don’t want to embarrass anyone. Please let me know if you don’t want your words here at all, and I’ll blur them out. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.)

There’s some stuff I want to address under the cut—along with a transcript if anyone is interested in reading these words but has trouble with the screenshots—but more important than any of my ramblings to follow, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write out these supportive sentiments and who continues to support me. I know these meltdowns are a drag, and I know I’ve been a nuisance. Thank you for sticking with me. I aim to be better and live up to what these messages say.

First things first, I want to clarify why I posted the collage of all the hate the other day. I didn’t approach that well, and I’m sorry. I realized too late that it was a bad decision.

Really, that collage was more meant just for me. Maybe it’s sad, but I’ve been actively writing on this site for a good half decade now, and for a lot of that time, I’ve almost craved anon hate. I was disappointed that I never got any. I wondered what the heck I was doing wrong.

After all, I have so many unpopular opinions. I realized that a lot of the community disliked me—or if that’s too strong a word, I knew they didn’t want anything to do with me—because of what I think and how I feel. But they never wanted to voice anything to my face. I wasn’t worth the effort to be attacked. I was nothing. Nobody.

There’s this quote from Tibor Kalman that I think about a lot: “[W]hen you make something no one hates, no one loves it.” If no one hated me enough to hate me right to my face, I thought, then I wasn’t good enough. I was boring. Easily forgotten. Not worth the effort.

So, getting all that anon hate for the first time? God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. Getting everything I’d always feared the community hated about me—as well as things I didn’t even consider them hating about me—right in my inbox? Ow. I cried a lot. I wanted to burn everything I ever wrote a lot. I wanted to quit making stuff for this community a lot. 

What’s the use? I thought—selfishly, of course, keeping in mind all the support up above. Why do I try? It was cruel and unfair, but I kept thinking these things. I kept thinking, What’s the use when nobody wants me here?

But I also thought about the implications of getting all that stuff thrown at me. And I knew it meant one thing: I’m not boring anymore.

There is at least one person out there who frequently checks my blog for more things to rail on me for. There is at least one person going out of their way to write nasty, awful, mean-spirited messages. There is at least one person eagerly waiting for me to respond, to say something, anything, so that they can hurt me and drag me and push me down.

After all these years, to at least one person, I’m worth the effort. No matter how much the messages have stung and destroyed me, I wanted to keep a record of them to remind myself, hey. Someone or someones out there hate(s) me this much for having a different opinion on a cartoon. Maybe that says that my opinions on this cartoon are worth something. 

I mean, they’re worth this level of mocking and ridicule, right?

But... I could have just kept the collage to myself. It’s a personal motivation. Nobody else needs to see these terrible things. That just encourages the cruelty even more. Why did I publicize it?

Well, it’s not too uncommon for Internet content creators to make something out of their hate comments. I like the trend of turning the comments into songs, like here, for example:

At the end of the video, Madilyn Bailey, the artist, says that the purpose of the song is to mock Internet troll culture and make something positive from the negativity.

But I wouldn’t say that that was really my motivation for posting my collage. Call me silly and naive, but I wanted to draw attention to these Internet fandom issues. Everything in that collage is what I was having to deal with... on top of my normal life struggles. 

While all of this was happening, I was tapering off my anxiety and depression medication because I felt it wasn’t as effective as it could be and because I feared it was making me lose my hair—something that I am extremely self-conscious about. I cut my hair short nearly a decade ago, and it’s never grown back to the same length. 

So, needless to say, while all of this was happening, I was horrified about the big clumps of hair lost in the shower. I was dealing with lightheadedness and dizziness from the withdrawal of my meds (which I’m still dealing with, btw), and I was also dealing with stresses at work. My department has changed management within the last year, and there’s been the concern that people will lose their jobs. There’s been the concern that this occupation won’t be enough to support me anymore.

While all of this was happening, I was stressed about my career, about money, about growing older—the beginning of the anon hate assault was just days before my birthday. I couldn’t see my therapist as much as I wanted because there ain’t enough therapists out there for all this world’s issues. 

And while I know that I shouldn’t compare, I also know well that my struggles are nothing compared to the struggles of others. So, how must it feel to deal with all the crap that life just normally throws at you, that’s probably a lot worse for most people than it is for me... and then come home to messages that treat you like a disgusting, horrible, awful human being for your feelings on a cartoon? For work you offer to a community for free and fun? 

For answers to questions that you only answered because you were asked to?!

Well, it felt pretty bad to me.

When I posted my collage, I meant to send a message about how this is not okay. I don’t want to see this kind of behavior, and I’m bothered that I don’t know how normal or common what happened to me is. Is this an everyday occurrence for online content creators? Have I just been shielded all these years because I wasn’t interesting enough?

I hoped that by sharing what I was going through, it’d draw attention to the problem. We shouldn’t be treating our fandom content creators like this. It’s not fair. It’s sick.

Of course, I don’t want to guilt anyone into supporting me. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t criticize me. I don’t want anyone to feel that, just because I was dealing with a Lot in life, any poor behavior on my part is somehow okay. It isn’t.

The comments that probably hurt me the most in that collage aren’t even the “hate” ones. They’re the ones that express that I messed up. That I hurt them. I can’t say I agree with how these feelings were expressed, but more than any nasty, personally insulting message, those probably hit hardest. I hate the feeling that I’m disappointing my followers. In fact, in taking screenshots for this post, I saw that at least one of the people who had sent me a sweet message has since unfollowed. And that—the sense that I should just stop, that my work really is as horrible as the cruel anons say, that I’m no longer someone they want to support because I’m a disaster and a failure—that... really, really stung.

But as I’ve said before, I can’t blame anyone for leaving me after all this drama. It stinks. It sucks. I messed up. I try to be kind, respectful, considerate, but I’m not perfect, and there are gonna be mistakes along the way. 

So I want to encourage—but only if you’re comfortable doing so, of course—more feedback about how to be better. How could I make my content more appealing? How could I handle these situations in ways that are less awful? Could I improve my post-tagging system? My therapist is helping me, but I’d like to hear from all y’all, too. I want to know how to make stuff that people actually enjoy. Anon hate doesn’t exactly help me make better content, but actual constructive feedback will. That’s what I want to see.

But enough bellyaching. Here are some posts I’m prioritizing right now, and I’d like to know which one folks would want to see most:

✄ “ambiguous” thoughts

✄ Ryuko stronger in episode 14, North Kanto monkey versus Osaka monkey

✄ Episode 6 ending

✄ Ryuko and Senketsu interactions

✄ Ripping out heart

✄ Satsuki’s isolation

✄ Things About: Senketsu, Satsuki, Mako, Tsumugu (maybe more?)

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 5-8

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 9-10

✄ Anime Revolution info

It’s a lot, I know ^^; And that’s not even close to all of it. But where should I start? Don’t worry; I intend to finish everything here—especially because a lot of these are old, old requests!—but I’m easily overwhelmed, so an idea of where to begin would be really helpful for me!

tl;dr, I shouldn’t have posted that thing the other day, and maybe this long vomit dump about my intentions doesn’t even come close to making up for it. But I want folks to know that I appreciate their support and would love any feedback about how to better serve the community and live up to these kind messages.

Which, speaking of, here’s a transcript of them:

“As a survivor that's ace I think you're handling the ragyo situation excellently and I'm really enjoying your blog so thank you!”

“Sorry you’re dealing with backlash in regards to your opinions and headcanons on Ragyo, dear! While I can’t really say much on the matter, I think it’s fair that you’re being open with us on how you feel and that you’re entitled to your opinion. Does that mean people will agree with you? No, but that’s okay! Or at the very last, it should be...but people can get heated when certain topics come up and that’s when it Gets Messy”

“There’s no right way to fandom, people jumping in your ask to belittle you are jerks. Tbh the first time I watched Kill La Kill I didn’t consider ryuko and senketsu relationship as romantic but after finding your writing and on subsequent watches I totally see it and like that’s the whole point of fandom right? A group of people who love a thing for varying reasons, I don’t understand this need to be monolithic in fandom. Anyways I love your writing and totally understand your frustrations of late”

“Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like whatever they want to like. You don’t like that? That’s fine! But please, leave Goop alone for stating her mind and expressing how she feels about it. She wouldn’t hark you for your opinion because she’s fully aware of how could make you feel. She’s done nothing but pout her heart out about a series she loves, it’s her passion. If someone did that to YOU, you wouldn’t like it, now would you? (1/2)

“I know it’s not going to magically change overnight and everyone will say their peace to feel validated, but I just feel so bad that you’re getting all of this over things that you’ve previously talked about and STILL have to defend yourself for. Your opinion is yours, Goop, and don’t let ANYONE try to challenge that! (2/2)”

“Please don't be so hard on yourself! I understand why it makes you upset when people send hate and stuff but you shouldn't feel the need to justify every single word you say. I just wanted to let you know that I always adored everything you write and I'm completely on your side in all of this. :) I hope you feel better soon!”

“I think your takes are very good; but more important than everyone agreeing w/ everyone elses readings, I think, is that you are a very good writer of analysis and it would be a shame for you to falter in that because of ppls reactions to your content. anyone who harasses you about having the 'wrong opinions' about fiction needs to learn how analysis of fiction functions & find a better outlet :) you are very talented, Goop, please follow your true north!”

“People get hung up on weird things, like you can disagree with someone and not devolve to personal attacks??? Anyways I enjoy your klk content! I look forward to more analysis of the game!”

“man, i dunno why so many anons gotta be such massive jackasses, you don't deserve it. hell, i don't even ship ryuketsu (I lean towards a more queerplatonic partnership interpretation, and im generally allergic to romantic shipping anyways) and i still deeply appreciate the thought and research and care you put into your meta.”

“ik you don't want asks about this but as a sexual assault survivor you are absolutely valid on how you feel about Ragyo. I skip the bath scene on every rewatch, and I find her atrocious. The fact that people are attacking you for this is dumb.”

“Hey man you’re allowed to talk about who you want on your blog. It’s your shit. People are so entitled nowadays and can’t let people have opinions anymore. You’re not dumb, you’re not trying to be offensive. And it hurts seeing how you’re trying to be courteous and step on eggshells and still getting dragged. Like people are allowed to disagree but there’s no need to be rude to someone trying not to be rude. You’re literally saying an opinion. Everyone else relax, my dude. You’re fine.”

“It’s amazing how all these people can recognize ragyos terrible behavior but insist on having to defend her….”

 “Just wanted to shout over all of this hate and say you have an amazing blog and you shouldn’t let this get you down. Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s legitimately awesome. Anyway that’s all I had to say. Keep being you.”

“Hey Goop. Just always remember that even if we're quieter, there will always be more people supporting you and loving you than people hating you. I really hope you don't let these anons destroy your health in a more permanent way. Keep up the good work!”

“Hello! Just wanted to say that I love your posts and analyses of klk so much! I love seeing how passionate you are about it (bc I am too) and I also ship Ryuketsu SUPER hard! I'm sorry if people are getting you down, but I hope you keep on doing your thing!”

trashcanalienist said: I agree with this so much

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: …don’t ever let someone else’s insecurities become part of you. 😉

official-raven-branwen reblogged this from marshmallowgoop and added:

Ya’ll got a problem with Goop, you can fuck outta here with that.

#Lookin at you anon

official-raven-branwen said: Why are people being mean to you??! Goop, please please please don’t ever think that your content isn’t wanted. If people are having an issue, that’s on them. They can fuck right off.

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: More Ryuketsu! Indeed!

kuribo4indahouse said: Kill la Kill needs you

csolarstorm said: Hey Goop, I sympathize. It’s never easy to share opinions about topics like this, because everyone has a different story, and they all want their story heard by others. I’ve found that you can’t accomodate everyone’s struggles - you can only speak for yourself. Keep on writing, I love Kill la Kill and Iook forward to reading your work.

official-raven-branwen said: You got this! 

kuribo4indahouse said: Don’t worry, and don’t count out the possibility of becoming bigger over time!

gaylo-thymos said: Hell yea, you’re doing your very best to be out there and that’s what matters. Keep bein you!

darthvandr said: Well regardless of recent events, you’re one of my favorite blogs and I’d be sad if you left. So you just keep on being you!

kuribo4indahouse said:

Who the fuck wrote that lol

Are those even real people writing those messages? Who would be this rude over a TV show?

And then they call you “butthurt”… Any self awareness?

official-raven-branwen replied to your post “You’re so butthurt about this Ragyou thing. Get over yourself. So…”

You are awesome Goop! Don’t listen to those asshat anons. You rock and those anons mean nothing. You keep being you because you are enough!

Not sure why you have such awful anons. You are an awesome person. Please know that you opinions on stuff that you (very obviously) love are perfectly valid, because they are your opinions, on your own freaking blog. And to that anon that sent you that message, listen dude, if you don’t like the content Goop puts out, there’s the unfollow button right there champ.

eldritchgentleman reblogged your photo and added:

Fuck the opinions of others and enjoy what you love! They don’t own you, listening to them doesn’t make you happy so screw them with a pineapple.

simon-newman​​ reblogged your photo and added:

Also Ryuko and Senketsu is a valid ship.

eric-coldfire reblogged your photo and added:

Absolute valid ship, op. Ignore the haters and keep being you.

kuribo4indahouse​​ reblogged your post and added:

Just laugh at these Goop.

badgerjaw​​ replied to your post “goops, you’re starting to stoop to the level of those that are bugging…”

I don’t think this anon knows what patronizing means, nor can they tell the difference between getting a big head and acknowledging the amount you do in this fandom. To each their own, nonny, cheers

badgerjaw replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

At least the shirt in question can consent; wonder if these nonnies are gonna get on the people who abuse their non-sentient socks?

“I'm sorry. I don't always necessarily agree with the ideas, but I haven't been offended.”

“And I know you're like, you know, a reasonable, nice person. So even if you did say something that came off as offensive, I wouldn't be up in arms about it, you know?”

“Hey Goop, I know this is coming really late but here's what I wanted to say

“You didn't deserve any ounce of that anon hate.

“I'm just absolutely stunned. There was nothing wrong with what you posted. Not then, not now. Because all you were doing was expressing your OWN interpretations. You weren't trying to claim anything as set-in-stone fact

“And... I don't understand. I don't understand why people are SO angry that another person has an opinion they don't share. In the end, what are we talking about here? An anime...

“Don't get me wrong. The topics you discussed were indeed important to talk about, and fiction definitely does influence reality. But the fact of the matter is that, when it comes down to it, your posts were simply you sharing some headcanons about some characters from an anime

“And... when you look at the grand scheme of things, I really do think those anons are really quite pathetic. I mean. Consider what sort of person they have to be so get SO angry over a post like ‘Hey I think Ragyo might be ace’ and say ‘How can you be this STUPID Ragyo is OBVIOUSLY a lesbian and YOUR WHOLE BLOG IS A BAD TAKE’ like really?????

“Actually you didn't even say ‘Ragyo might be ace,’ it was more of a ‘I personally feel like Ragyo is ace’ and?? What's the issue with that?????/

“I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I'm so upset that you're upset cause of those anons and all the hate you got over NOTHING

“Also, don't discount the fact that there are indeed people out there who agree with you. I know you mentioned that you don't think anyone shares the same opinions on Ragyo as you do. But in all my years of following you, I've realized one thing

“You and I... have the same opinions on EVERYTHING????????

“But let me be clear. That's not why I support you. It doesn't matter if we have the same headcanons. 

“Even if I disagreed with everything you said, I'd still support you. Because it's not the headcanons that matter—it's how respectful you are and how you're always trying to better yourself. You always try SO SO SO hard to express yourself in a reasonable and kind way, and you are always trying to be mindful of your wording and considerate of other people's opinions

“It really upsets me to see you apologize so much to people who don't deserve an apology.”

“Hi, Goop. I want to thank you for everything you do on this blog. I started getting into your Kill la Kill content in around 2016. I even keep a copy of your meta book downloaded on my phone to reread every now and then. 

“I think what I like so much about your writing is how in-depth and supported and thoughtful it all is. Kill la Kill is so easy for people to write off as just a flashy, over the top, fanservice show. I think the biggest takeaway from the show is that it truly is a story about friendship and love, and I’m glad that you write so, so much about this. It always gets me all giddy and excited when I see you post something new or when you reblog your old stuff. I first watched the show in 2014, then I rewatched it two more times, knowing that I liked it, but not knowing exactly why. 

“Until I started reading your blog. It’s really thanks to you that Kill la Kill is now my unbeatable, number one favorite anime ever. 

“You put into words so eloquently what I’ve always felt towards Kill la Kill since I first watched it. I want you to know I really appreciate you. Please know you have my support, and I hope you keep doing what you love.”

“First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY~ 

“I just hope that anon finds something more fulfilling than spewing hate and nonsense. Like model trains, or magic tricks. I know my life got a lot more bright when I kept my nose out of people’s business and started focusing on the things I love to do.”

“I'm sorry that you have to deal with these trolls. :/ Some people just like to get a reaction. 

“*would talk more but feels that the conversation is past its expiration* 

“I respect you for expressing your opinion. Lord knows how illegal that is when insecure people get offended.”

“super late at night for me and I should be sleeping but I saw all your responses and how you tried to handle things and just felt really bad. You're in a situation that things just can't be solved with a simple logical response. Like I said sometimes people just have a view and when they disagree they just need to attack others who are part of that disagreement.”

kurouga replied to your post “[[MOR] I already knew people felt this way about me, but I guess…”

You don’t know if it needs you? At times like these I’d say the fandom doesn’t deserve you. It’s always mind-boggling – and yeah, saddening – to recognize how readily people forget how to be civil and begin to hold the meaning they see in fiction as more important than the feelings and experiences of others. Meanwhile you’re classy, humble, patient, and resilient enough to have retained these qualities where so many others… haven’t. Nothing short of inspiring.

I’d say it’s reflective of the cancerous state of fandom environments that it’s so much easier to win support with sweeping, neat and tidy divisiveness – that is, by resorting to discouraging, dismissing, or ridiculing differences in opinion – than it is to garner support as a thoughtful proponent of discussion.

Those who would argue “This fandom would be perfect if only those people who have other opinions/ships would just *stop* already” are those who would rather reign over a wasteland than accept that their views aren’t threatened/invalidated by the existence of differing views. And they almost certainly don’t appreciate the irony in that the perfect victory they envision is one in which what remains of the fandom is all cut from the same cloth. Never stop being you, goop.

“Hey uh saw that you're going through some brutal stuff with a anon. But I wanted you to know you're handling it like a champ and hopefully they'll get on with their life soon!”

“No problem I always look forward to getting notifications for your posts. It's kinda sad that you can't talk about opinions on here without someone getting upset but I hope that doesn't stop you from continuing!”

“You write a lot about things and you're sure to upset someone but at least you're being honest and always try to resolve disagreements realistically. I'm sorry that you're crying and all but I hope you do feel better soon! It's gonna be your birthday after all ✌️”

“I don’t know if I clicked the right button. Sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really, really respect your work and to thank you, because you bring so much happiness to life of me and my other friends. Keep up with your good work and continue to share love for Kill La Kill and for t h e m. *salutes*”

“hey! heard you'd been getting shit lately from people deliberately seeking to misunderstand the work you've put into the KLK fandom over the years (doubt you'd remember me but i'm still [blurred for privacy] on AO3). even though i don't use tumblr anymore on a regular basis, of all the people i met and knew, even tangentially, in this fandom, you've always stuck out to me as one of the loveliest and most dedicated fans and my favorite meta writer, period. please keep it up!”

korra-n-stuff​​ replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

can these anons please go away? you’re wonderful goop, dont change. These people just has sticks in their asses

fromtheriverbanks​​ replied to your post “Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like…”

I love your analysis. I tend to agree with the stuff about Ryuko and Senketsu and think it’s a big part of what makes the show beautiful. If there were PhDs in Kill la Kill, you would deserve one.

[celestinaruns]

River’s Edge Ultra 2019: Drop Kit and Running Gear Prep

My second ultra is two days away and my running gear is packed! Everything else... less so. But hey, what else is new?

Tackling an 80 km trail race will, expectedly, be a whole different monster than my 50 km in June--and even in June, I felt foolish for not having a drop kit... especially after wading in mud pits for nearly an hour. Would have LOVED a change of shoes and socks, but back then I didn’t even own a second pair of trail runners.

Still, we live and we learn. My goals for this race have gotten a little less ambitious, what with battling a cold for the last week, but I still hope that it will be more of a success, considering I’ve actually trained on the right terrain this time. My entire taper week has been more of a pump-my-body-full-of-cold-meds-and-sleep than a slow and gradual recovery, but hopefully all of my training before it will be there to help me out on Saturday!

Anyways, the drop kit. I’ll do a post with all of my camping gear and food, likely after the race and my race debrief; however, for now, enjoy this little tidbit of my overpacking tendencies. Hopefully, if you’re planning on running a big race this will help you! Or if you have run a big race, I would love to hear on what you recommend I pack in addition (or just take out all together).

Without further ado...

The Hydration Pack

It’s the old edition of the Nathan VaporAiress in an XS (top left). Not fully organized at the moment, but here’s what I’m hoping to carry (top right; at least when I first leave the start/finish--I will be dropping off some of these things as the day progresses).

Running cap (Brooks Sherpa Hat)

Sunglasses (Goodr Iced By Yetis)

Squeeze bottles for Coca Cola, fit in the front sleeves

Energy bars and solid snacks (Chocolate Coconut Hammer Bar, Fruit-Smoothie Filled Clif Bar, PC Banana Bread Penguin Cookies)

Caffeinated chocolate

Very mini first aid kit (Desitin rash cream, waterproof bandages, spray polysporin--basically for things that definitely hurt a lot and can’t wait)

Wet wipes

Bug repellant towelletes

Hot and cold muscle gel (Perskindol--helps with persistent joint discomfort without numbing anything via topical painkillers)

Mini anti-chafing stick (Body Glide)

Ponytail flashlight

Reusable hydration station cup

2 headlamps (need one when I start since it will still be dark at 5 am, will drop them both off once it gets light out)

2 packs of energy chews (Honey Stinger Cherry Blossom and Cherry Cola)

3 energy gels (Hammer Gel Peanut Butter and Chocolate Hazelnut, GU Hoppy Trails)

Smushed up salt and vinegar chips

Not pictured: salt tablets, still have them in their bottle for the time being

I’ll probably be leaving my poles behind with my drop kit and not picking them up unless I’m feeling like I really need the extra help. Even then, my pack has loops for trekking poles and I’ll just keep them on there until I feel like using them!

The Drop Kit

This is pretty much... everything else. Replacement, replenishments, more first aid, et cetera. It’s a big box and I wish my boyfriend the best of luck in finding anything in there as I angrily demand it in the heat of my runner’s high. Oops.

I have tried to organize it, really. I swear I’m not evil. It’s just A Lot.

Spare trail runners (I will, hopefully, avoid changing into my Peregrines. I’m going to start in my newer pair of the Hoka Torrents [not pictured], then my older Torrents [above] if those get wet. The Peregrines give me some toe numbness with more distance.)

Spare socks (in a ziploc bag because I still don’t trust the forecast for this weekend)

Spare ziploc bags for my phone, salt chews, and chips

Spare running cap (Brooks Sherpa Hat)

Add-ons for my poles

Spare sunglasses (Goodr Whiskey Shots with Satan and Mick and Keith’s Midnight Ramble, the latter of which has been destroyed because I keep forgetting to put them in their little pouch thing)

Sandwiches (two flufflernutter, one PB&J, both on cinnamon raisin bread)

Electrolyte drinks (PC Tropical Punch Coconut Water Electrolyte Beverage)

2 L of (flat) Coca Cola

Salt and vinegar chips

Spare energy bars and solid snacks (Hammer Bars, Fruit Smoothie and Nut Butter Filled Clif Bars, PC Banana Bread Penguin Cookies)

Caffeinated chocolate

Spare energy chews (Honey Stinger Cherry Blossom and Cherry Cola)

Spare energy gels (Hammer Gel Peanut Butter and Chocolate Hazelnut, GU Hoppy Trails)

Hella bug spray

Hella sunscreen

Anti-chafing sticks (Sport Shield and Body Glide)

Mint Oreos (listen, everyone has their weird running food traditions, okay? mine are mint oreos.)

Hot and cold muscle cream (A535 Sport Warm-Up Cream, mostly for before I start)

One more headlamp and reflective bracelets

Ginger ale in case I get real sick

Homemade First Aid Kit (Gauze, foam tape, Advil, Aleve, Neopore tape, waterproof bandages, polysporin, Desitin rash cream, Voltaren, KT Tape, tweezers)

Extra hydration pack just in case

So, yes, in case you didn’t know I had an overpacking problem before, you definitely do now. Still, I feel that as long as you’re not crossing the line of packing so much you’re slowing yourself down, it’s always good to be prepared ahead of time! Aid and hydration stations will be a great help, but I prefer the comfort of having the exact same things I trained with at hand.

With two days to go, my running gear packed, and my cold nearly gone, the excitement is ramping up!

[externally-upset]

1-100

Alright going all in I see. Let's do this

1. I mainly use Spotify

2. I try and keep it clean but somehow always winds up messy

3. I've got brown eyes

4. y'know I've got a really generic name but I do like it. Why, I have no idea

5. I'm currently single

6. Scatterbrained, happy, adventurous

7. I've got natural black hair

8. So I don't drive because it actually hurts my leg to drive. Also I can't sit still for longer than 5 minutes

9. I shop everywhere that has toys lmao. I'm a toy collector so I'll go anywhere that has em

10. I don't really have a style. I try and live my life as cozy as possible

11. I don't really have a favorite social media account

12. I have a full/queen size bed

13. I've got lots of siblings. In all, I've got 6 sisters and 2 brothers, but some are step family. I've got 1 bio sister and 1 bio brother, both younger than me.

14. I've been looking into moving to Washington recently, but I think I'd rather travel the world than settle down somewhere, for now at least

15. I don't use the filters myself so I can't speak on that

16. I don't use makeup so I don't have a fave brand to talk about

17. I shower everyday, I get really sweaty so I gotta

18. I don't have like a definite fave TV show. It varies from month to month. Although this summer it was Nisekoi, which is an excellent anime

19. I wear a size 11.5/12 shoe

20. I'm 5'11

21. I wear almost strictly sneakers

22. I don't go to the gym, I should though. I really should

23. Dream date would be to have one lol, um I guess to go up to the mountains together and star gaze or something to do with the mountains. I just enjoy being outside

24. Too much to count 💸💸 lmao jk I've got $60

25. Ain't wearing any but if someone came through right now, I'd put some black ones on

26. I had four, but my mom stole 2 of them

27. I was working in drywall for awhile but I hopped out of that and am currently applying to places. I specifically was a taper, so like when drywall is put up in the house, there are gaps between the pieces put up. I covered those gaps up, all over the house. It doesn't seem like a lot but when you've got 15-20 feet ceilings, it gets hard

28. I've got quite a lot of friends and I love them all

29. I've know I've done bad stuff that others remember me for but I can't think of anything

30. Oh man I loooooove lavender scented candles. Lavender scented anything is the best

31. I honestly can't think of any boy names that I like

32. 3 girl names: Sochi, Lavender, and Laurie, which is actually the name of one of my best friends

33. Anthony Hopkins is my favorite actor by far

34. Fave actress is definitely Meryl Streep, I fell in love with her when I first saw the Devil Wears Prada years ago and it just snowballed from there

35. My celeb crush is either Bonnie Wright or Jessica Keenan Wynn

36. Fave movie has gotta be The Great Mouse Detective

37. I used to read a lot, not so much anymore. Of everything I've read though, Christine by Stephen King has been my favorite read

38. Everyone wants to say brains are more important and they are, but unfortunately in the world we live in money rules over all

39. I used to be called Chancho but not any more

40. I've been to the hospital more times than I'd like to think. I had a heart condition that flared up in high school so I spent a lot of time at the hospital. I'm still not even sure what it was and am sure the doctors made it up to take my money

41. TOP TEN SONGS:

Beauty and the Beast - Angela Lansbury

Beauty and the Beast - Celine Dion, Peabo Bryson

Higher - Creed

Eres Mi Droga - Intocable

Crossing Field - LiSA

Don't Blink - Kenny Chesney

Junkhead - Alice In Chains

Your Decision - Alice In Chains

Losing A Whole Year - Third Eye Blind

Forever Halloween - The Maine

42. Nah, no meds for me

43. I think I have an oily skin type

44. Biggest fear is leaving those I love behind when I pass along to the next life

45. I don't know how many kids I want

46. I always have my hair either in a bun or braided

47. I live in a medium sized family home

48. My grandma has been and always will be my role model

49. It was being told how wise I am

50. Last text I sent was to my homeboy, telling him "this school shit is wack"

51. I was 6 years old when I found out Santa wasn't real

52. A nice Truck is my dream car or maybe a souped up Subaru, with an anime wrap for shits and gigs

53. I'm cool with smoking weed, but no cigarettes and only smoke outside, don't need my stuff to smell

54. Yeah, I'm here in college, but I don't like it

55. Rural areas by far. I've always wanted my own farm

56. I wanna be a high school history teacher and that requires a degree, so that's why I'm in college

57. I don't like the shampoo and conditioner from hotels, don't like the way they feel. That being said, yes I'll take them

58. I've got freckles but you can barely see them unless were face to face

59. Yes and no. It really depends on my mood. I try to take more smiling pictures now

60. I've got quite a few, mostly memes though

61. Of course I've peed in the woods, with the amount of times I've been hiking and camping with no bathroom in site, you gotta

62. I watch almost strictly cartoons, if we're being completely honest

63. Chicken nuggets smack, no matter where they're from

64. If it calls for it, honey. If not, then sweet and sour sauce

65. Alright, so it depends where I'm at. If I'm home alone, just my underwear. If there are people here, shorts. If I'm at someone else's house, I wear whatever I have on

66. Never participated in a spelling bee in my life

67. My hobby is collecting. I've been collecting things since I was a kid. I've switched between many things in my life. I've gone from Wrestling figures, to sports cards, to vinyl records, to Funko Pops. I actually collect a little of everything I've mentioned now

68. I can't draw for shit

69. I don't play any instruments, although I've tried learning how to play the Ukulele

70. Last concert was seeing Four Year Strong and Seaway like 2 years ago

71. I prefer tea over coffee

72. I guess Starbucks as I've never had Dunkin before

73. Marriage sounds nice, but I don't need to. Like if I'm dating someone and they said they don't wanna get married, I wouldn't have a problem with it. As long as we're in love, that's all that matters

74. Aha, I'm not answering this one

75. If ever I get married, I don't know what the last name situation is gonna be

76. Burgundy and blue look absolutely fantastic on me

77. Yeah there are a few people I miss

78. I always sleep with my door closed and my closets too

79. I belive in ghosts, although I prefer to call them spirits. Used to see them frequently as a child, still do sometimes

80. Biggest pet peeve is when people try to tell me what to do. Not like suggestions but actually tell me what to do. Irritates me to no end

81. Last person I called I think was my Dad, but that's because I couldn't find him in the store

82. Black Cherry Vanilla is the best but no one sells it anywhere

83. Golden Oreos are pretty damn good so I'll go with those

84. If I have to choose, probably rainbow sprinkles

85. Just a plain white tank top

86. My phone background is a picture of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys saying "Man, maybe I am gay."

87. I can be outgoing, it kinda takes a bit for me to open up though

88. I fucking love when people play with my hair

89. My neighbors across the street are very nice, but next door neighbor is a dick, always judging shit

90. I usually wash my face in the mornings

91. I used to get high a lot, not so much anymore, although I'd really like for that to change

92. I spent a good portion of this year drunk, so that's a problem. I actually only started drinking when I turned 21 last September. Never been hungover either, so I've been blessed

93. Last thing I ate was some chips

94. "Thank you to the miracle that we are able to meet in a dirty and ugly world, even like this" My Song - Girl Dead Monster. This is from Angel Beats and these are rough English translations

95. I prefer winter over summer, but spring is my fave season

96. I love night time, always will

97. I will always pick dark chocolate over all other chocolates

98. September is my favorite month, not because it's my birth month, but it's the one month where everything feels right

99. I'm a Virgo

100. Last person I cried in front of was my homeboy Mason, albeit I was drunk as fuck and don't remember it but he does. Says I scared him

Goddamn that took forever, but I did get over being bored, so bless you Anon

[aspergersissues]

RLS

Time for a blog post on this. Medical stuff incoming.

I’ve had Restless Leg Syndrome as far back as I can remember. The earliest time it effected me, I think I was 13. I told my mom and she acted like I was making it up. My bio dad had it too and would have believed me if I’d been raised with him. Still, it came up pretty rarely when I was younger. Maybe once a month or so, and it would nag me for an hour or two, then stop. It was like this until my early 30s.

After my big surgery in Chicago, it got much worse. I don’t know if it’s because I became less active due to recovery, or loss of iron levels from blood loss, but things progressed to happening every night and they never went back. My GP started me on a medication called Rhopinerole and it worked well. After about two years, I developed a tolerance and we doubled the dose with a new doctor. It was about 18 months after that, that it stopped working around 3 hours before I woke up, causing me to wake up early from shocking sensations in my feet. I went online to see if this med had issues with tolerance and I was greeted by a horrific surprise: Rhopinerole interacts with three meds I was taking. The side effect of that interaction was extreme nausea and vomiting.

The whole time I was taking Rhopinerole, I was dealing with nausea. Some nights it was horrific, keeping me up for hours. After a while, I began throwing up. I chalked it up to food poisoning. I stopped eating foods I liked because they often made me sick. Some nights, I wouldn’t eat for six hours before bed, then I’d still throw up my last meal, looking like it hadn’t even been digested. It was terrifying. It got worse and worse. I had to start taking Prilosec for acid reflux because i couldn’t lay down without my throat burning. One night, the vomiting got so bad that I thought I’d had a heart attack— I was cold, but dripping sweat so bad it looked like I’d jumped out of a pool; I had a heart beat that set off the alarm on my watch (160bpm); and I started projectile vomiting. I brought this up to my doctors many times and no one knew what was up. I was supposed to get my heart checked, but it got delayed for 10 months. It just came back fine, finally. I still need a stomach scope, but they wouldn’t do it without the heart check. My GP put me on omaprazole, the prescription med for extreme nausea. That one also interacts with Rhopinerole and, while it kept me from throwing up, it made the nausea even more intense. If I hadn’t found that interaction information by dumb luck, I’d still be dealing with this.

I had to taper off Rhopinerole for a week. As I did, the symptoms of my RLS came back with a fury, like they were upset I suppressed them for so long and they had to make up for lost time. All night for two weeks, I had intense electric shocks every 30-45 seconds in the soles of my feet, so bad that every muscle in my leg would tense at once. Every morning, it felt like I had run a marathon. Even after the withdrawal, it became obvious I needed a new option. While the shocks got less severe, they were still happening every night.

I tried non-medical options while waiting in new medication ones. I tried iron supplements until my poop turned grey. No luck. I tried exercise. It got to the point I was riding my exercise bike for more than an hour just before bed. No luck. I tried going to bed earlier. It worked once. I tried keeping a regular schedule. No luck. I need medication, it seems.

There are five medications that work for RLS and Parkinson’s (they’re related). The first was out, now.

Gabapentin and Lyrica are in the same family. I had tried them for my wrist pain a decade back. They fuck with my brain. They slow my processing speed and destroy my short term memory. The first time I took them, I was in my first semester of college. I described the side effect as, “I can’t do math on these.” Still, I tried them both again. These account for why I spent a good amount of time very forgetful and probably shouldn’t have been driving. The gabapentin worked for my RLS, but I couldn’t think. Lyrica didn’t work at all AND had that side effect. These are ruled out. I don’t know how long I was on them because they fucked with my memory so badly.

It took a week to get this med, but my doctor wanted to try Neupro patches. The idea was that the patch bypasses my stomach, so maybe it wouldn’t cause nausea. I tried it for the first time last night. I put the patch on at 8pm. By 8:45, I was feeling a bit queasy. Rachel said it was in my head, so I tried to ignore it. When I laid down for bed, my legs were silent. I felt like I was finally going to get a good night of sleep. I was wrong. Once I laid down, I started getting bad acid reflux. I got up and took a Tums. After 30 more minutes of laying down, I started to feel like I may throw up. I took one of my emergency omaprazole, then sat in front of the toilet for two hours. I then felt a bit better, but came downstairs for a Prilosec for the reflux that was now bad even when vertical. I was laid down for 20 more minutes before I ended up spending the next 2 hours in front of the toilet. I never barfed, but I came very close. I took the patch off at 1:30am and was still nauseated and awake through 7am. I finally got to sleep around then, but when the nausea left, the RLS came back. I thought that even with the suffering, at least I’d get to sleep at the end. I was wrong. I slept in 30 minute bursts until noon, when I finally gave up.

That’s four of the five medical options all down. There’s one medication left. I left my GP a message last night and am waiting to hear back still. I don’t know what to do if this doesn’t work. I’m not sleeping well at all, and this condition just gets progressively worse as you age.

This is really heavy on me right now and I’m having trouble handling it. I dunno what to do now.

[flatstarcarcosa]

sorry but thinking about how zaeed and i always gloss over the whole 'he locked me in his bathroom for an improv detox' thing with everyone and how it's always fucking funny, from our POV, but always for a new reason bc different people ALWAYS react differently depending on how they view literally everything about the entire situation.

but also consider:

doctor chakwas

when he comes back that one day after a mission on the normandy and finds that i've slid into detox because my implant is overdue for replacement. i'm literally sitting in the shower in my underwear because i kept getting hot flashes and not knowing why, among all the other shit that comes with it, and eventually just got as far as halfway naked for a shower before i just ran out of energy and shit.

i'm not doing great, and it's not UNTIL he thinks 'reese is having detox symptoms in a bathroom again this is familiar' that he realizes that oh, that's what that fucking intermittent beeping on his equipment has been the past few days. it was the goddamn reminder from the implant that it was coming due.

he fucking configured it because he knows i always forget and usually the alarm reminds him, but with shepard picking him to go in the field he just, for the first time EVER, missed it.

like, i'm very much sick because all but a couple of my regular, non-junkie type meds are still ones you can get dependent on. a lot of anti depressants can cause HORRIBLE withdrawal/detox if you're removed suddenly without a taper.

so he just scoops me up in a couple towels and takes me over to chakwas all fucking soggy and shit, and she too wonders why if i'd already been feeling so fucking shitty for a couple days, i didn't come see her, and by this point zaeed's just taken over answering for me, and he comments about how i dislike doctors intensely, to put it mildly.

chakwas isn't able to replace my implant, it's a legal device that was acquired illegally and as such the normandy doesn't have the tools to replace it since no one on the expected crew list has anything similar. she does, however, have most of the meds it regulates, and is able to give me a few extra things to help with the additional symptoms until the next time we can dock and actually fix my implant.

zaeed elects to let me sleep it off in the med bay, and comments later when he comes back after getting himself a shower and some food that well hey, it's not like it's the first time i've detoxed in a bathroom.

"what in god's name does that mean?" chakwas asks.

"most of those meds that implant shits out is either managing their incurable insanity or their addictive tendencies," he says. he tells her how, a few days after we met, i ruined the mood by suddenly spouting "ah fuck i'm ODing again" mid sentence before i dropped to the floor.

"they're goddamn lucky i'm good at math and put again together with them croaking out 'bag'," he adds. after all, if anything useful came out of my time with Rust it was to always have an emergency OD kit on hand.

it was in with the rest of my crap, and it was while digging through my shit to find it that zaeed also found just how many different fucking drugs i had on me.

"that is lucky," chakwas agrees. "those kinds of things can keep someone alive until they get to the hospital, and have for centuries."

"right," says zaeed, crossing his arms. "i...didn't do that."

"...what did you do?"

"packed up their shit to toss them out, then sat and thought about it for a bit, then i tossed them and their shit in my bloody bathroom and dried 'em out."

chakwas says nothing, and blinks at him.

"you did what?!"

"it worked out, didn't it?"

"you could have killed them! do you know how it easy it is to kill someone by withdrawing them improperly?!"

"i know the first three days had me wishing it was a lot easier!"

"good god, massani!"

after that, karin kicks him out of the med bay and refuses to let him back in until i'm awake. she gets that it was...an unusual situation, she can allow him that, and it's not that she suddenly doesn't trust him around me or in general but, still.

it was a horrible twisting of 'medical care', and if he knew enough to get me through the initial overdose and get me stable, he damn sure knew enough to also get me proper care after. if he wanted or decided on a whim to be responsible for me, he should have done it all the way and done it correctly.

as a doctor, and as me temporarily under her care as her patient, she just doesn't want to hear anything else, or any other excuses, about it.

she also takes the time to double check the readings from my implant and the medications and dosages, just in case. it's not as if either of us gave her a full medical history, but the implant has enough information for educated guessing and a second look.

she does not, however, foresee the way i panic when i wake up 18 hours later and find myself alone in the med bay without zaeed, and he can't resist a smug "i goddamn told you so" when she has to concede and let him back in before i'll allow anything else to be done.

"my best guess, you were about 30 seconds away from seeing what i meant about them clawing at the door," he adds.

"my opinion isn't changing," chakwas says sternly. "you're a smart enough man to have known better."

i roll my eyes.

"you told her about my bathroom sabbatical when we met, didn't you?"

"what? she asked!"

"and i simply told him he could get the hell out of my med bay," she says, crossing her arms.

"you realize that's been like...8 years ago now, right?" i ask. "seems like a weird hill to die on, doc."

"it's a perfectly normal hill, from my perspective," she says. "i understand neither of you are bothered and it seems fine, but the kind of damage that can be done during an improper detox, even if it isn't fatal, can still be immense. for all we know the medications you need now can be as a result of complications from that that are just getting misdiagnosed as your previously untreated mental illness."

zaeed and i do swap a glance, and we each do file that away, somewhere. mentally. for later.

if we both have one.

shepard's mission isn't done, which mean zaeed's contract isn't done, and there was no guarantee he'd be around to spend those credits cerberus paid him.

"naaaaaaaaaaaah," i say instead, "i was always fucking crazy. sane people don't end up junkies, doc."

"that's not how addiction works," chakwas starts to say-

"i've never met a sane addict in my life," i say, hopping off the exam table. "and i bet i've known more addicts in person than you have in theory, doc."

i stress the word, bat my eyelashes, and give her a grin that clearly says we're dropping this now and i'm trying to be polite. she catches the message, clears her throat.

"regardless, thank you," i add. "i finessed this implant back on illium ages ago because it makes it easier for my meds, but i can lose track of when it's coming due for replacement. i normally have pill forms of all those meds on me for when i forget, but with this mission coming up so fast, they got overlooked."

"you're welcome," says chakwas. "and please, as long as you're both still part of this crew, if you're feeling unwell just come by. it's why i'm here."

"don't mind if i don't," i drawl in a sing-songy tone. the med bay door beeps open, and the smell of stew coming from the kitchen draws me over. zaeed pauses at the door, considers something for a moment and then sighs, turning back towards her.

"it's nothing personal, you know," he says. karin turns in her chair.

"you think i'm so thin skinned i take it personally whenever someone doesn't like doctors?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"i think any good doctor would take it personally if someone feels safer with me giving them medical care," he says. her eyebrow lowers, and her face softens for a moment. "and you are. a good doctor, that is."

the door beeps shut behind him, and she watches through the window as he yells across the crew deck. chef gardner says something in response, and whatever exchange the two men have causes me to begin scooping as much beef stew into my mouth as i can before zaeed can reach me and pry the bowl out of my hands.

doctor chakwas remembers then that chef gardner makes his beef stew with a special wheat flour and beef bullion powder combination as flavoring and thickener, and she says nothing 6 hours later when i slink back into the med bay and ask for something for gas and nausea relief.

[mell-bell]

my world collapsed (when I thought you were gone)

aka First time you both thought the other was dead

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 /

Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 /

Part 18

AO3

Cassian x Reader

Words: 3219                   

Series Summary: Cassian and Reader Firsts – from meeting each other to the first time, first kiss, first fight, first “I love you”, to their (first) last breaths (maybe…that might be too depressing)

Time Cassian and Reader have known each other: 4 years

Chapter: 19/20

Prompt: Anonymous- “firsts” for cassian x reader please?!? (like first date, first kiss, first fight etc) :-))

Author’s notes: SECOND TO LAST OFFICIAL CHAPTER IM NOT OKAY WITH THIS (I think I’m gonna have one or two bonus chapters though). Also this ended up sooooooo long and literally wrote it in like 2 hours. Hope you enjoy!!!!!!

You sat in the back of the ship listening to Cassian argue with Kay on his comlink. Your head nodded to the side as you drifted off to sleep, but when you heard Kay yell you jerked right back up with a groan. You hadn’t been sleeping well and you didn’t know why and now Draven had sent you, Cassian, and Mila on a diplomatic mission to talk to another rebel base hidden on a different planet. Though they were part of the rebellion they didn’t follow the same rules that your base did. But you needed their support for an upcoming mission and this was a good time to form good relations with them.

Nei had been on another mission when you left and was bitter that she had been left behind. Kay was mad that Draven wouldn’t let him go, which was why he was reprimanding Cassian for agreeing with that stupid decision. 

As Kay and Cassian’s argument tapered off at Mila’s reprimanding, you were finally able to drift off to sleep. But it couldn’t have been five minutes later when you felt a hand stroking your arm. With a groan, you opened your eyes to meet Cassian’s soft brown ones.

“Sorry fierabrás, we’re here.”

You sat up with a groan and Cassian grabbed your hands to pull you up. You stumbled to your feet rubbing your pounding head as Cassian looked on with concern.

“You haven’t been feeling well for the past week. Can we stop at the med bay here?” He said as he gently brushed his hand across your face.

You shook your head before leaning into his hand with a sigh as his fingers brushed through your hair, “If I’m not better by the time we get back to base, then I’ll go.” Cassian’s brows furrowed in concern, but before he could say another word this took off after Mila, who was walking across the tarmac to greet the leader of the rebellion. You knew he was watching you as you walked away and with a grunt, you straightened your back pushing through your exhaustion to pretend you felt alright.

You and Mila approached the group of people waiting on the tarmac, an older woman stood at the front, flanked by 10 soldiers.

“Captain L/N.” The woman greeted you.

“Please call me Y/N, Captain Cordel. This is Lieutenant Mila. Captain Andor. K2SO. Thank you for agreeing to see us.”

“Please call me Alira.” She gestured for you to follow her and you followed her into a building right off the tarmac. Windows lined the room and a group of people sat at a long table. The members at the table stood and greeted you. With a nod, you took your seat across from Captain Alira. Cassian sat farther down the table next to Mila and across from the other rebellion’s Chief of Intelligence.

The meeting went well. After a few hiccups, Amelia ultimately agreed to offer her assistance if your base offered assistance right back. With a quick silent glance at Cassian and a shared nod, you accepted.

As you stood up to shake her hand and make it official, the whole world exploded.

You felt your body fly back and slam through the window. Your head was pounding and your body aching, but you were able to push yourself to your feet. Smoke and dust covered everything around you. A sound came from behind you and as you turned around you caught sight of Captain Amelia lying motionless on the ground. You stumbled over and dropped down by her body. But she was already gone. Your head dropped down and as the dust cleared you caught sight of the rebel’s building. It was completed demolished. The roof had collapsed in on itself, multiple fires had broken out, and it looked like a pile of debris.

Your gaze rose to the sky looking for the ships that had sent down the bomb when 10 rebel ships took off into the sky. Within a few minutes, five Imperial ships appeared. But the rebel ships shot them down in seconds.

As the last imperial ships exploded over your head you glanced down at Captain Amelia one more time before taking off down the tarmac to find more survivors.

As you crossed the tarmac you ran into people left and right. Not many people seemed to be injured but they hadn’t been inside the building when the bomb hit. You had no idea what happened to the people inside. To Cassian. To Mila. Just as you reached the beginning of the rubble and reached out to pry pieces away and try to enter the mess, a man stopped you.

“You can’t go in there right now. It’s not safe.”

“But my husband…”.

The man swallowed hard before looking you in the eye, “I’m sorry.”

“Cassian.”

Cassian groaned as something hit his face. Waving his arm he tried to swat it away but screamed in pain as his arm moved. He quickly pulled it back to his body and with a grunt, he forced his eyes open, but all he saw was dust. He let out a cough, his chest screaming.

“Y/N?”

“No, it’s Mila, Cassian. I – I don’t know where Y/N is.”

Cassian coughed again, “Can you help me sit up?”

Mila hesitated and Cassian’s eyes narrowed trying to find her through the dust, “Mila, what’s wrong.”

“My hand. It’s completely crushed I don’t know…and my leg I can’t feel it.“

Cassian reached out through the smoke and found Mila’s shoulder, “Everything’s going to be fine, Mila.”

He heard her take in a deep breath and as the dust cleared he could see her nod her head.

“Did you find any way to get out?”

Mila shook her head. Cassian looked at her and could see in her eyes how scared she was. Her uninjured hand was shaking but she was holding it all together and doing her best to stay calm.

“What do we do Cassian?”

Cassian stayed silent wishing he had an answer for her. But he didn’t know.

You stood motionless staring at the rubble. You had tried to help the other rebels find survivors, but everyone was hesitant to start digging because they could ultimately cause more damage. They said there could be areas big enough for survivors deep down. But moving the debris could ultimately make the building collapse on them.

You didn’t know what to do and after hours of moving rubble and finding nobody, you dropped down sitting defeated in the middle of the decimated tarmac.

You weren’t sure how long you sat there but you didn’t move until a hand came down on your shoulder startling you out of your thoughts. You jumped up, teetering over and almost collapsing. The hand reached out steadying you and you looked up to see a flustered Nei. Her mouth was moving but you didn’t hear a word she said. You closed your eyes and shook your head trying to clear your ears when suddenly sound came back to you. You could hear the screams of people far away, the blast of water as people tried to put out the fires, and then you heard Nei’s desperate voice. 

“Y/N! Where is Mila? Is she okay?”

Your heart dropped as you looked at her, “I don’t know Nei. Her and Cassian along with 20 other people that had been at the meeting are missing.”

Nei stumbled back and all but collapsed to the ground. You had never seen her like this before, she had always been one to keep her emotions to herself but you knew how she felt. You shuffled over and dropped down to sit beside her, your arm rising to wrap around her back.

“I want to get married.” Mila whispered.

Cassian’s head snapped over looking at Mila who had curled herself up in a ball against the wall.

“I want to marry Nei.”

“You’re going to get married. I promise. We’re going to get out of here.” Cassian closed his eyes hoping that he was right. Hoping that they would get out of here. That Mila would get to marry Nei. That he would see you again. That you and him would….

“And you’re going to have a baby.”

Cassian’s head shot over to Mila, who was slightly smirking at him.

“I know how bad you want a family. I see how you look at Y/N. I see how you look at the other families at the base. You’ll have it one day.”

Cassian smiled. Mila was right. It was all going to be all right.    

After a few minutes of silence, you and Nei had quickly pulled yourselves together and immediately helped in cleaning up of the debris and finding survivors. You were just trying to pry off a big piece of cement from what you believed to be a doorway when you heard a small cry from deep within.

Without a second thought, you yanked the piece of debris off the wall and peered through the darkness. There seemed to be a pathway and without hesitating you climbed in, vaulting yourself up and over the rubble. As you crawled through the decimated building following the cries, you didn’t seem to be getting any closer. Debris fell from the ceiling and the smoke was so thick it was hard to breathe. After a few minutes, you found the source of the cries; a small child was tucked back in the corner covered in soot and debris.

“Hey sweetheart,” The child’s head snapped up and you smiled at him, “I’m Y/N. What’s your name?”

His face was bright red, tears were streaming down his face and when he opened his mouth to reply the only thing that came out was a sob. You inched forward slowly, but he pushed himself farther back away from you. You froze and instead held out your hand. After a few seconds, the child quickly crawled over to you attaching himself to your body like an octopus. You held onto him tightly and covered his head as you crawled back through the demolished building and out onto the tarmac.

You squinted your eyes as the bright sun blinded you for a second and began to cough as the smoke that had found its way into your lungs tried to get out. Nei gasped when she caught sight of you with a child in your arms and she quickly called for help. 

Soon you and the child were surrounded by dozens of medical professionals. The child grasped onto you tighter as hands reached out trying to pull him away. His whimpers rocked through your body and you shot backward with a growl trying to get away from the prying hands.

Nei placed herself in front of you, guarding the two of you.

“Stop it, you’re frightening him!” She snarled.

You frantically whispered to the child trying to calm him down. With a nod to Nei, she allowed one of the nurses through to check on the child. You settled on the ground, placing the boy in your lap. The nurse sat in front of you and tended to the boy’s injuries as his small hands grasped onto your shirt like a lifeline.

The nurse looked at you and whispered that she needed to talk to you privately. With a quick kiss pressed to the kid’s head, you stood up and passed him off into Nei’s arms with a glance telling her to protect him with her life. She nodded solemnly as she gathered the boy against her chest. As you stepped away, the boy's eyes welled up and you quickly shot back promising him that you would be back in a second and that Nei would protect him. When he nodded his head, you walked a few feet away to talk to the nurse, all the while keeping the child in your line of vision. 

“That child. His name is Jase. He’s a child from the orphanage. His parents died years ago. He had no other family, like many of the children at this base. I’ve called someone to take him back to the orphanage.”

Your eyes narrowed, “If he’s from the orphanage, why was he in this building?”

The nurse coughed, “We-um…we don’t have many people to look after the children and they tend to wander.”

“How many children do you have there?”

“About 25.”

Your heart sunk. Twenty-five children. All alone. With no one to look after them. 

The nurse took your silence as compliance and gestured to a man, who approached Nei to grab Jase. Nei glared at the man and shot out of his way going to stand behind you. You quickly turned and grabbed Jase from her arms, he wrapped himself around you tightly holding on and cringing away from the man in front of you.

“No. Give me a second.” The man nodded and you walked away and sat down with the boy sitting in your lap.

“Hey, Jase.” He pulled back his red eyes looking back at yours. You brushed some of his black curls back from his forehead, “Would you like to live with me?”

“Like my momma?”

You closed your eyes taking in a deep breath, “I will never replace your momma, but I can raise you like she did.”

The little boy was silent for a moment before he nodded and shot forward wrapping himself around you once more.

You stood up slowly with him in your arms and went over to where Nei was glaring at the nurse and the man from the orphanage.

“I will raise him.”

The woman’s eye widened and the man from the orphanage froze.

The woman cleared her throat, “Very well. I will get the paperwork for you.”

“Wait.”

The woman froze and turned back to face you, “I want the rest of the children as well. I’m taking them back to our base.”

The woman’s mouth dropped open, “I don’t know if-“ She turned to face the man from the orphanage who shrugged.

“If she wants them, all the better for us.”

You and Nei glared at the man, who gave no regard for the children he was supposed to be caring for.

“Alright. I will get them ready for the trip.”

You nodded.

As the woman walked away you heard a commotion from the other side of the tarmac and saw some workers begin to lift pieces off the ground. And out stumbled a dust covered Cassian, Mila leaning heavily against him.

With a ragged intake of breath, Nei took off and when she reached Mila, she pulled her into her arms. You could see Mila cringe in pain, but she held Nei tightly as her body shook with relief.

Cassian backed away from Mila and Nei, his eyes scanning the ground and when his eyes met yours he took off.

Before he could take you into his arms, he noticed the boy in your arms.

“This is our son now.” You said.

Cassian’s eyes went wide as he took in the young boy.

“Cassian this is Jase. Jase. This is Cassian. My husband.”

“My new daddy?”

Cassian took a step back his face filling with an emotion you had never seen before.

“If you want he can be your daddy.”

The little boy nodded and turned to face Cassian. He held out his arms and Cassian hesitantly stepped forward pulling the little boy out of your arms and into his. Jase’s hands settled on Cassian’s cheeks before they roamed up and over Cassian’s hair. He pulled back with a smile and touched his own hair before touching Cassian’s once again.

It was then that you realized how similar Jase and Cassian looked. The same complexion, the same big brown eyes, and the same dark hair. You smiled at Cassian’s awe struck face as he took in the little boy.

“Name?” The little boy asked Cassian, not remembering what you had said.

“I’m Cassian.”

“Cassian. Y/N.” He turned and pointed at you and then he pointed at the two girls that were still holding each other.

“Mila and Nei.” You answered.

“Family?”

You smiled stepping in closer and running a hand down the boy’s back, “Yeah, this is your family now.”

Cassian leaned in and loudly whispered in Jase’s ear, “And we have a cat.”

The boy’s eyes lit up and he turned to you, “Cat?”

You nodded with a smile, “Her name is Socks.”

The ship landed and you pushed yourself to your feet with a groan. You had called ahead to warn General Draven that you had adopted 25-orphaned children. His exasperated sigh over the comlink had silenced when you told him the condition of the children. He quickly mentioned that the new training center and accompanying rooms that just finished being built would be the new rebellion orphanage.

He then mentioned that they would do their best to get as many of the children as possible adopted. You looked down at Jase in your arms when he said that. With a laugh and a quick goodbye, you hung up. Jase had fallen asleep in your arms the second the ship had taken off from the other rebel base, but the second you stood up he stirred with a groan.

As you walked down the ramp Cassian’s hand was on your lower back steadying your pain-filled stumbling. You could see General Draven walk out onto the tarmac and stopped waiting for him to come to you. Nei and Mila shuffled up alongside you, Mila leaning heavily against Nei taking the pressure off her injured leg.

“FAMILY!” The boy yelled in your ear pointing at them.

Nei turned her head her eyebrow quirked questioningly.

“Yes, Jase, these are your two wonderful aunts, Mila and Nei.”

“Excuse me, two aunts? What am I then?” A stern voice came from behind you.

You turned around and came face to face with Leia. You whispered something in Jase’s ear and he turned to face Leia with a smile, “You’re a Princess?!”

Leia’s eyes widened momentarily before she glared at your innocent smile. Cassian chuckled softly beside you as Nei let out a loud snort.

A few minutes later, Draven stepped up to you, “The rest of the children?”

Cassian nodded to the ship behind them, “They are still on the ship with their few belongings.”

Draven nodded before his eyes dropped and focused on the boy in your arms.

“Jase. This is General Draven. Or to you, Uncle Draven. General of the Rebellion.”

Draven’s eyes softened as he looked down at the boy, who waved at him enthusiastically.

“I want to be a rebel.”

You smiled proudly running a hand over his hair, “One day.”

“No.” Cassian warned beside you.

“And teach you how to fight.”

“No.”

“And how to climb through air vents.”

“Y/N!”

“WHAT?!”

Jase tapped your arm asking silently to get down. You placed him on the floor at the exact movement Socks came pouncing out onto the tarmac.

“Kitty!” He screamed as he began to chase after the cat, Socks’s eyes went wide as she took off.

Everyone watched in amusement as you and Cassian took off after Jase yelling for him to slow down.

“That is going to be one spoiled child.” Mila smiled.

Tagged: @ly–canthrope @misswinchester221b @heyjess-marie @latenightbooknerd 

Next up: did you really think (that we wouldn’t end up happy) aka First happy ending

PART 20 

[prosciuttoe]

you're such a bean for doing this omg. Canon-verse with Bellamy taking care of sick Clarke?? Thank you !!!

A|N: A missing scene from season one, with motherhen!Bellamy and stubborn!Clarke. Hope you like it! x

_________________________________

It goes without saying that they’ve lived through some pretty fucked up situations on earth. Acid fog. Grounders. Bellamy’s not going to get into the whole two-headed deer debacle, but it’s suffice to say that it’s out there.

But, really. The worst of it has to be when Clarke falls sick.

He’s pretty sure that it’s the last strain of the flu that has been working its way through the camp for weeks now, but it still renders her into a sniffling, feverish mess anyway. She’s barely coherent during their usual debrief sessions and he catches her attempting to bandage Monroe’s perfectly good knee instead of her scraped one. His gentle rebukes that she should probably, you know, rest, are met with skepticism and dismissiveness; with her constant, stubborn insistence being that she’s fine, Bellamy, and shouldn’t he go hover over someone else now?

(It’s unfortunate that she’s impervious to his glower, so he mostly sticks to stomping around and glaring at her from a distance.)

He holds out for as long as he can; biting his tongue whenever he’s tempted to comment on how tired she looks and sending his lackeys to help her out with her mundane tasks. It seems to be working, for the most part- and just when he finds himself relaxing, the inevitable happens.

Clarke faints.

(His first thought, surprisingly, isn’t I told you so. It does come somewhat close, though.)

She stirs just as he rounds the corner towards her tent, re-adjusting her slightly in his arms.

“Hey there, sleeping beauty.” He grins, because teasing Clarke, unfortunately, still remains high on his list of favorite things to do. “Nice of you to join us.”

She squints over at him, brows knitting together in confusion. “Bell’my?”

“The one and only.” He deadpans, tightening his grip on her waist when she shifts. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been speared in the chest.” She mumbles, burrowing into his warmth for half a second before she jerks upwards, her nails digging into his biceps. “Are you— you’re carrying me?”

“It’s a standard service for when people faint on me.” He tells her, mild, biting back a laugh at the embarrassed flush that works its way up her neck.

Groaning, she swats at his chest weakly. “I’m fine, okay? You can put me down now. I know you have a guard detail scheduled soon anyway.”

“Swapped with Miller.”

She gapes at that, incredulous. “Why would you do that?”

“Because I don’t trust you to not make a break for it the second my back is turned.” He grunts out, ducking under the tarp and depositing her none-too-gently onto the bed. “Look, Clarke. You’re becoming a liability now, okay? I know you want to pull your weight, but you need to rest before your body gives out on you.”

Her mouth twists at that, petulant. Then, stubbornly, “I’m feeling a lot better already anyway, so. I think I can manage a shift at the med bay at least.”

“They don’t want you there,” he declares flatly, arching a challenging brow her way. “Harper told me that if you show up, she’s going to strap you to one of the beds and keep you there.”

“Harper said that about me?”

“Apparently, you tried to arrange the bandages by color but you ended up unwinding all of them instead.” He explains, tugging the sheet out from under her and throwing it over her legs. “You’re more of a hindrance these days than anything.”

He didn’t think Clarke Griffin had it in her to sulk, but here they are. Shaking his head ruefully at her, he pushes at her shoulder gently until she lies back. “Alright, we good? You got it? Now go to sleep.”

“Fine.”

“See? Not that hard, right?” he smirks, dropping himself onto the salvaged milk crate that they’ve been using as a chair. “G’night.”

She pushes up on her elbows at that, sniffling. “You’re not going?”

“So you can dart off five seconds after I leave?” he goes, snorting. “Yeah, I don’t think so.” Then, at her apprehension, adds, “Don’t worry, Princess. I’ll be gone by the time you get up.”

That pulls a impatient huff out of her, though at least she does yank the sheets up to her neck. “That didn’t even occur to me.”

He bites at his lip, tapering yet another smile. “Good.”

His initial plan was to stay fifteen minutes, tops- but she starts shivering at the ten minute mark, dissolving into full-on tremors quickly after. The most logical course of action, he knows, is to get someone, anyone, who understands this better than he does, but he’s struck dumb by the sight of it all, reaching out instinctively to hold her still—

Her eyes flutter open at that, bleary, before focusing on him. “You’re still here.”

“Yeah,” he swallows, rucking his fingers through his hair nervously. “You’re— do you need me to get you more blankets? Harper? Or tea? Fuck, Clarke. We need to—”

Her fingers curl around his wrist at that, tugging. “You’re warm.”

He can’t help the strangled noise that leaves his throat in response. “If you’re cold, I can always get you more blankets, or I can get someone—”

“Please.” She says plaintively, and he feels his resolve dissolve right down to his toes.

Carefully, he pries the blanket off her, slipping in behind her and pulling her close. Her skin is cool, clammy to touch, and he tries to tamp down the rising worry in his chest by rubbing soothing circles down the length of her arm.

She seems to like that, if the pleased noise she makes is any indication. “Feels nice.”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t be getting you blankets? Or anything else?”

“This is fine.” She murmurs, drowsy, turning over to nuzzle at his chest, her arms circling around his waist. “This is good. I’m safe.”

A lump rises in his throat at that, his eyes stinging.

“Yeah,” he tells her, pressing a kiss against her hair before he can lose the nerve, “you’re safe, here.”

(Bellamy wakes up the next morning with the worse headache and a hacking, persistent cough that refuses to fade despite the amount of tea he drinks. Clarke insists on trailing after him all day, smug, and he barks at her to go away after he catches her eyeing him for the fifth time.

He lasts two days before letting Clarke curl up into bed next to him, her nails scratching at his scalp comfortingly; falling asleep to the sound of her deep, even breaths.)

[bestillmybeefyheart]

I have another Doctors appointment tomorrow.

The usual, checking on my benzo taper, my leg and the effects the antibiotics had on me mostly. I love my doctor, I pay her a flat fee for a month and can see her as often as needed, text or call her anytime. That is how it should be done. I am worried she is going to be mad at me. You see, my benzo taper is very carefully planned and regimented with dosages dropping at a careful rate. Well, right after I got out of the hospital I was given 2 new AB's to take, one 3x a day and one 2x. Between getting them on time, I somehow forgot I was dropping my morning dose to 5mg from 6mg, and so my evening dose was also dropped from 16mg to 15mg. Once I had done this maybe 3 nights in a row and realized it, I decided screw it and stayed with it. I wasn't feeling any different then my usual messed up self. And, It takes about 2 weeks to feel the drop due to the build up in my system and the very long half-life of Valium. So any change I make I have 2 weeks before I know if I screwed up and went down too far. This time frame will slowly reduce as my dosages reduce and my body exorcises the poison they call "benzodiazepines". There are 2 plateaus that many reach. For AM, its usually 5mg, and PM, 15mg. I am at both of those now. Which means we will start dropping my AM dose by .5 instead of 1mg, and my evening dose will continue but with observation, 1mg down every month. I alternate the two so I have a month between AM doses and same with PM doses. The goal here is to get my AM dose to 0mg while my PM dose reaches around 8-9mg. Then my Pm dose is dropped every 2 weeks by 1mg. if it gets dicey I goto half MG drops. At this rate, I'm looking at about 10 weeks to get the AM dose to 0. And while doing that, my PM dose will be 10-8mg at the end of that time frame. I am so freaked out by this, but also thankful I've not had any massive major issues. AND, its about to be biking weather so I can ride my ass off to burn fat (where it is stored), sweat (out the toxins) and get my mind off things and keep my endorphins up since they are not where they should be. Minus the whole breaking my leg and then GI issue last last, its not been a bad as people made it out to be. But I could also be one of those people who has hellish withdrawal when I hit 5am and 8ish PM, so who knows. I'm on this ride whether I like it or not. My only worry is the brain shocks and PAWS at this point. My doc can give me meds to keep the seizures at bay if I have them. I feel like I'm so close after over a year of this... started the planning in late 2015, started the taper in early 2016. It's now Feb 2017 and I am down by 10 MG out of 30 total for the day. Go me!