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whatareyousearchingfordean · 4 years

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Happiness Continues

Part 11: The Delivery

Summary: Jensen and Y/n welcome their newest addition to this world.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 7.2K+

Warnings: Language, angst, descriptions of labor and birth

Author’s Note: Baby Ackles is finally ready to make their first appearance. If you have been following this story since the beginning, you may want to grab a tissue, there just might be some tears (happy tears tho). Also, I will preface this chapter by saying I have never been pregnant nor given birth so please don’t @ me with any inaccuracies, I tried my dudes. Special thanks to my loves for the constant undeserved support and my devoted beta @emoryhemsworth xoxo Alex

Catch up with the series masterlist and then check out Alexandra’s Library for more by yours truly!

The winter sun had long ago dipped underneath the horizon, the night bringing a new level of quiet to the residential corner where the birthing center was located. Inside birthing suite two, the only soft light came from the LED strips that followed the length of the walls at the base and ceiling. Currently, they were tuned low and blue, the light mixing with the neutral decor in a way that made her feel like she was underwater.

Curled on her side in the queen-sized bed, Y/n watched out the window on the opposite wall. Through the sheer curtain, the center’s garden could be visualized. It expanded a few hundred yards until the treeline of the nearby forest began. In silence, she watched the water trickle from the stone fountain in the center. It had been turned off for the season, but the rain that had fallen earlier in the evening still clung to the piece, each drop falling in a slow rhythmic pattern.

Y/n found it more soothing than what the fountain had looked like last summer when they had first toured the place. She assumed if she was laboring in spring or summer, walking the trails in the garden would be something she found herself doing, even late in the evening as it was currently. But that was a dream she had let go of as the temperature dropped. All she had now was the counting of each drop in between contractions.

The instinct to hold her breath took over as the next contraction washed over her, the sharp inhale of breath alerting the dozing man next to her. Y/n closed her eyes and focused on taking deep breaths, trying to ground herself to the moment. Fingers pressed into her lower back, one on either side of her spine, applying counter-pressure to the contraction.

“Harder,” her word was weak, even in the quiet room. The pressure increased instantly, helping her to focus back on breathing through the contraction. It felt like a lifetime later when the pain began to subside before eventually tapering off. The sheets shuffled in the dark behind her before she felt an arm wrap around her abdomen.

“Where are you at?” Jensen’s voice broke into the room as he pulled her tight against his chest.

“I don’t know,” she admitted, her gaze back on the fountain outside. “Trying to be anywhere but here.”

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Birth our child?” she tried, unable to stop the smile from creeping up on her face. If there was one thing Y/n didn’t handle well, it was being in pain. She would put back up every wall that anyone had become successful in tearing down, choosing to stew in silence. It was a defense mechanism she had perfected long ago. Never let them see you sweat. Unfortunately, that also meant that she tended to get mean, keeping it all bottled up until she exploded like a shaken can of soda. She truly wished right then that she had a catheter in her back delivering the good meds to her lower body, but she had committed long ago to do this as naturally as possible, her comfort be damned.

“As soon as they figure out how to do that, I’ve got you, babe,” Jensen chuckled behind her, close enough for her to feel his breath on her neck. She nodded in unfortunate understanding, her hand coming to rest atop her husband’s where it lay on her belly.

“Actually, could you top off my water bottle?” Y/n spoke back up after a moment of content silence.

“Of course. Ice?” He questioned, already climbing from the bed to grab her bottle on the nightstand near her.

“Please,” she confirmed.

“Be back in a flash,” Jensen pressed a quick kiss to her forehead before leaving the room to get ice from the main kitchen in the birthing center. A sigh left her mouth as she pulled herself into a semi-sitting position on the bed and grabbed her phone from where it lay charging. There was a mix of messages in her notifications, all from friends and family with varying messages of encouragement. She appreciated the gesture but to be honest, what Y/n wanted more than anything was to not have all the attention on her. It was yet another symptom of being uncomfortable. Her solace lay in the simple fact that she was not expected to answer any of the messages she received, considering she was in labor and all. Forgetting why she even grabbed the device in the first place, Y/n noted the time and tossed it back on the nightstand.

It was officially after midnight. Well, technically it was almost twelve-thirty which meant it was Jensen’s birthday. Y/n had found it funny when he had called his mother earlier to let her know that the baby was coming, Jensen had made his stupid joke only to have his face fall when Donna had laughed a little too hard. Her husband was caught up thinking about his mother and teasing the older woman that it didn’t even cross his brain what Y/n going to labor meant for him. Now, as she found herself nearly seven centimeters dilated as the clock turned into the new day, it seemed their baby would share its birthday with their father.

Jensen came back then, breaking her out of her thoughts but unable to knock the warm smile from her face. He walked around to her side and perched on the edge of the bed, one leg tucked under him as he faced her. Y/n took a drink of the cool liquid, relishing in the calm it brought her.

“What is that smile about?” He had an equally bright smile of his own, unable to contain it as he watched his wife.

“Nothing just… happy birthday,” the pregnant woman shrugged in her seat, her eyes casting down to wear her hands now cradled her bump.

“Yeah, it is,” he agreed, his heart feeling so whole when he thought about it that it felt as though it might burst from his ribcage. There was so much love for the woman in front of him, he didn’t know what to do with it. It scared him sometimes. It didn’t matter what was happening at the moment, but he could look at her and he would forget for a second that the world existed outside them and all he knew was that she made everything okay. His heart would skip a beat so fast he barely noticed and the urge to cry became overwhelming. Only this time, he refused to fight it, allowing a few tears to well up in his eyes.

“What’s this about?” Y/n sat up, concern now etched into her features as she brought herself close enough to her husband that she could wipe away the single tear that had escaped down his cheek with her thumb. She had caught sight of it, of course, even in the low light of the room. In the few silent seconds that he sat there smiling, she felt warm under his stoic gaze, unsure of what was going on in that head of his. Jensen shook his head, his smile still not faltering.

“I love you,” he said simply.

“I love you, too,” Y/n agreed, her concern melting away and taking with it the crease in her brow. Her husband cradled her face in his hands, pulling her face up to press his lips to hers. He poured every emotion that was currently making him dizzy into that kiss, afraid that if he didn’t, she would never know. But she did know, and though Y/n didn’t need more than those three words, she couldn’t deny him the release he so evidently needed. The desperation seeped from his every pore as his lips brushed against hers, unwilling to part until the need for air overtook everything else.

A gentle knock on the door snapped his brain back down to Earth. Jensen released his hold on her face, watching as it took her a second longer to open her eyes once they parted. He cleared his throat before calling out.

“Come in.”

Their midwife, Melek, snuck into the room, not making a sound as she closed the door behind her. She turned the lights up just a touch, giving the couple a warning beforehand.

“Hey, I’m just back to check your progress,” she snatched a pair of gloves from their place in one of the drawers and came to the side of the bed Jensen was still perched on. He moved out of her way as Y/n scooted down the bed slightly. Melek asked Y/n how she was feeling as she went about her work. The midwife listened and nodded along to everything she explained.

“Well, we are getting very close. Based on how you’ve progressed so far, this baby could be here in the next couple of hours. You are going to start feeling the urge to push soon, might feel like you have to poop, don’t ignore that or any other changes you notice.” Melek stood from the bed and tossed her gloves before washing her hands. She made a note on the whiteboard in the room before coming back over to the couple.

“You are welcome to continue relaxing, whatever feels best. However, if you feel up to it, I would suggest taking a walk in the garden. I know it’s cold and late, but it will help to energize you before the big work starts.”

“Thank you. Is that safe?” Y/n was adjusting her nightgown back into place as she talked.

“Yes, if you choose to take a walk, I would go now. No longer than twenty minutes outside and I will be back in another hour,” Their midwife confirmed. The couple nodded in acknowledgment of her words, offering her more words of ‘thanks’ as she exited the suite.

“Well, what do you think, momma?” Jensen put his hands on his hips as he looked down at her.

“Couldn’t hurt,” Y/n shrugged. She offered him an innocent smile. “Help me put on my shoes?”

“Deal.”

****

A low groan emanated from her chest as she battled through her current contraction. Her hands were locked around Jensen’s neck as she rested her head on his shoulder. The actor was rocking her back and forth, once again applying counterpressure to her lower back.

“Oh god, I feel nauseous,” Y/n breathed out as the contraction subsided. She let up on the weight she had been putting on her husband.

“That’s normal though, right?”

“Yeah, I was just venting,” she let the air out of her lungs rush past her lips. “I don’t expect you to do anything about it.” Her words were clipped as they tumbled from her mouth before she could stop them. The laboring woman cringed as she felt her husband stiffen underneath her. The soda had popped. Her movements were hesitant as she raised her head to look at him, regret written across her face.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, you are allowed to do whatever you want to me today.” The smile that graced his lips was tight, but she suspected it was more from the exhaustion than anything. She could see the heaviness in his eyes.

“No, it’s not. Come on, yell at me. Tell me you don’t need that shit because you were just trying to be helpful,” she pleaded with him, the guilt heavy in her chest.

“You want me to pick a fight with you while you are in labor?” Amusement was heavy in his words.

“Yeah, please? I deserve it. You are being far too nice to me.”

“It’s not happening. Sorry, babe.” Y/n growled in frustration, causing her husband to throw his head back and laugh.

The sound of yet another knock had her releasing her grip on her husband as she called the midwife in. It was time for the hourly check of her labor progression, a task that Y/n had grown a distinct distaste for. As the hours came and went and it felt like nothing was happening, it all just felt pointless. At this point, she was begging this kid to come out.

Melek made quick work of the check, a smile on her face after when she pulled off her gloves. “Seems as though it’s time, momma. You are fully dilated. How are you feeling?”

“Uh,” Y/n shared a look with her husband as their midwife headed over to the tub on the opposite side of the room and started the water. She gave a quick synopsis of what had happened in the last hour before asking, “Are we pushing now?”

“We can start. Sounds like you’ve already had some urges to. Right now it’s about listening to your body and what it’s telling you. I’m going to grab the nurse while you get in the water.” Melek left the water running and the couple dumbstruck.

“Okay, I guess this is happening,” Y/n scoffed, allowing her husband to help her from the bed. He stripped down to his boxer briefs while she slipped off the gown she was wearing, leaving her as naked as the day she was born. Jensen helped her into the tub and down to sit between his legs. As the water reached its max level, he stopped the tap and urged her to sit back against his chest.

True to her word, Melek was back in no time with a nurse and everything else they would need. They flourished around the room, getting ready as yet another contraction hit. Y/n’s grip on her husband tightened, her mind focused on one thing now. Jensen was whispering in her ear, helping to guide her breaths. Y/n gave in to the urge to push, more than ready now to have this over with. The pattern was quick and repeated itself again, and then again, and again.

The time clicked away on the clock on the far wall, each passing minute mocking the laboring woman as it turned over the hour. If she had thought she was exhausted before, it was nothing compared to how she felt now. Sweat dripped from her forehead, small tendrils of hair that had fallen from the bun on top of her head stuck to her flushed skin. She dropped her head onto her husband’s shoulder, soft pants passing her lips as she tried to relax before the next contraction hit.

Only it didn’t take long, the pain returning before she even had time to think. The contraction had her doubling in on herself, concentrating on bearing down. Her scream originated low in her chest, the sound of it low as it echoed out in the room. Y/n knew that Melek was coaching her, but she couldn’t hear the words anymore, her body too far spent.

“I can’t,” As the contraction dissipated, she threw her head back and hid her face in the crook of Jensen’s neck.

“You can, Y/n. Your body was made to do this,” Melek encouraged, a hand on the poor woman’s shoulder. Y/n swatted it away as she let out another sob.

“No, I can’t. I’m too tired,” her shoulders shook as she let it all out. Jensen turned and placed a kiss on her temple.

“Honey, if anyone can do this it’s you,” he whispered in her ear. “I know you’re tired and that means you are ready to quit, but you can’t, not yet. Just think about holding our baby in your arms, you are so close.”

Another sob shook through her as she indicated her disagreement with his words. She wanted to believe him, she wanted to believe him so badly it hurt but Y/n had never felt so defeated in her life. This was finally it and she couldn’t do it.

“Look at me, Y/n.” He waited for her eyes to open and focus on him. “You can and you will. I’m right here, I’ve got you. You are gonna push this baby out and we are gonna love it so much all this will be a distant memory. Nothing else will matter but the life we created.”

“You drive a hard bargain,” she hiccuped out with a laugh. Jensen chuckled along with her, offering another kiss to her temple. They nodded at each other, silent words being passed between them just before the next contraction hit. This time she put all her energy behind it, refusing now to be defeated. It was far from easy, but only she could do it now.

She couldn’t be sure how many contractions later it happened, the only thing she was sure of was the instant relief that washed over her body. Her eyes snapped open as Melek pulled her gook covered baby from the warm water of the tub, holding up its long body so both her and Jensen could see.

“It’s a boy!” Melek announced, placing the infant against Y/n’s bare chest. It all happened in a second and Y/n was holding her son in her arms. Jensen was peppering her face with kisses and muttering soft praises, his arms wrapped around her and helping the nurse wipe the baby clean. More sobs racked her body as soft cries came from the tiny body in her arms. Everything felt like too much like her whole being was vibrating on some new frequency she didn’t yet understand. It was invigorating and terrifying at the same time.

“I told you!” Y/n turned to look at her husband, the sobs that had been shaking through her now intermixed with soft laughter.

“Yeah, you did, babe. I’ll promise to never question you again,” the smile on his face grew as soon as he realized what she was talking about. The giggles coming from his wife seemed to seep into him and soon he was laughing along with her.

Y/n feigned a scoff, chuckles still seeping past her lips and a beautiful smile on her lips. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Ackles.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

****

It took a while before anyone was able to pry her son from her arms and even then, she refused to give up to anyone besides Jensen. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust the nurse or midwife, she just felt that if she gave him up, the feeling in her chest would go with him. Only the soft voice of her husband was able to coax her out of the bubble she had wrapped herself into. Reluctantly, she handed the infant off to her husband who passed him on to be weighed and measured.

The nurse was then able to help her out of the tub and into the shower, washing away the remnants of her son’s birth from her body. In that short amount of time, she ached to hold her son again. Her mind couldn’t focus on anything besides him, and it pissed her off. She didn’t feel in control of herself, consumed by the maternal instincts now flooding her neurons.

When she emerged from the bathroom, Jensen was propped up against the headboard, his legs casually crossed at the ankle in front of him. Discarded still at the foot of the bed was his shirt he had peeled away before they had gotten into the tub, but he had slipped his Nike joggers back on his tall frame. His large hands dwarfed their son, who was only in a diaper, where Jensen held him against his chest. The couple shared a smile before she made her way over to him, climbing gingerly into the bed next to her husband and son. Y/n curled herself into his side as the nurse left them to be alone.

“Nine pounds and seven ounces, twenty-one inches long,” Jensen smirked down at the sleeping infant. Y/n choked out a breath, her jaw dropping open in the process.

“Jesus, I’m never gonna be the same,” she blew out a breath. The tired woman laid her head against her husband’s shoulder, her eyes never leaving her sleeping child. She could feel her husband shaking softly with laughter. Mostly, she was just as amused as him, but on the other hand, she wasn’t kidding.

As she settled into her spot, their son began to stir, his face scrunching into a frown. Jensen moved quickly, pulling the kid away and offering him to his mother.

“What, the first time he even indicates he might cry and you immediately hand him over to me?” Y/n leans away from her husband, a confused frown etched into her features.

“Uh, yeah, I don’t have the goods,” the Texan flicked his eyes down at her chest before looking back at her face. He had one eyebrow raised and a smirk on his face.

“Okay, how do you even know he’s hungry? Maybe he needs to be changed?”

“He’s fresh out of the womb and hasn’t eaten anything, you do the math,” Jensen held him out again. Y/n rolled her eyes for effect when the truth was she couldn’t wait to get her hands on that baby again.

“Well go get the midwife, I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Y/n tilted her head towards the door. She had one hand cradling the infant and her other was working to pull her gown away from her chest.

“Right,” he bounded from the bed, grabbing his shirt as he went and pulling it over his head. The door barely had time to shut behind him before he was returning, Melek in tow. The midwife was more than helpful, guiding Y/n and her baby through their first feeding. It took them a few tries before it seemed like they finally got the hang of it. Melek left them again to the peace of the early morning.

The sun had yet to breach the horizon but that didn’t stop the birds from putting on a show outside. Jensen had climbed back into bed with his family, situating himself as close as possible to his wife. It gave him the best vantage to watch the miracle they had created. He rested his hand on the baby’s head, rubbing his thumb across the infant’s hair.

Y/n didn’t even bother averting her gaze as her husband nestled into her side. She was far too transfixed on her son. Every emotion felt magnified a thousand times since she gave birth, to the point where she felt like she might burst. It was hard to sort through them, the exhaustion of her body not helping at all. Now, as she stared down at the precious life she and Jensen had created, the only thing she felt was calm. His eyes were closed as he fed, the soft gurgles and breaths he let out the only noise in the suite.

“He’s perfect,” she mumbled to no one in particular, she just felt it needed to be said.

“He really is,” Jensen agreed. “I had no doubt, which is why I got you this.” Y/n tore her eyes away then as Jensen procured a long velvet case from behind him. He offered the object to Y/n who took it with her free hand.

“What is this? It’s your birthday today, not mine,” she tried arguing.

“Just open it, you dork. Besides, you’ve already given me the best gift I could ever have,” Jensen urged her to open it. His eagerness washed off him as he smiled at her, his hand back on his son’s head.

Being careful to not jostle the child eating in her arms, Y/n used both hands to flip open the case. Laying against a dark cushion inside was a gold bracelet with a row of seven round stones in the center. She caught the card that was placed inside when it tried to fall away, reading the small paragraph.

‘Customised with seven beautifully crafted semi-precious stones amidst a string of shimmering beads. Each stone is traditionally associated with various characteristics that also typify those born in that particular month – The March birthstone is Aquamarine, which has a pale blue appearance and symbolizes honesty, loyalty, and happiness.’

The tears fell from her eyes as she read, threatening to turn into full-blown sobs. Y/n sniffed as her emotions continued to get the better of her, using the end of the blanket to wipe the wetness from her cheeks. Happiness. There wasn’t anything she could think of better to describe how she was feeling. It was indescribable happiness that had begun on that New Year’s Eve two years ago and continues through the life she now held in her arms. It was happiness she feared she would never get to experience, and yet, here she was.

“Jay, this is beautiful. But how-”

“I ordered one for February too, can’t be too careful,” he answered before she could ask, earning a giggle from his wife. “You really like it?”

“Honey, I love it. I can’t imagine a more perfect gift.”

“Here,” Jensen pushed away from the headboard and offered his hand to take the case from her. She handed it back to him, allowing him to take the delicate bracelet from its setting. He urged her to raise her arm, making quick work of clasping the piece of jewelry around her right wrist. “There, perfect.”

“Perfect,” she agreed.

****

The midwife cleared Y/n and the baby to go home just before noon that day. They had spent less than twenty-four hours in the birthing center, but as she dressed her son to go home she couldn’t help but feel like she was going to miss it. That stupid little room now held so much meaning to her, and she hated it. The exhaustion and hormones were making her stupidly sentimental.

As they turned into their driveway, Jensen was forced to pull their SUV into the yard since the entirety of their driveway was filled with cars. He hopped out of the driver’s seat to help Y/n from the car before grabbing the car seat with their son inside. Her husband allowed her to waddle along in front of him, a smirk on his lips when she looked over her shoulder before opening the gate to their home.

Across the stone courtyard, she could see their family all huddled in front of the expansive window that saw into their living room. Everyone waved excitedly as the new family made their way towards the house. Y/n took in the faces of her and Jensen’s parents, along with her brothers and their families. Jensen’s siblings were too far out to make it right now, but even still Y/n was surprised to see her brothers. Donna and Alan had come down as soon as they called to let them know Y/n was in labor, staying in their guestroom for the coming week to help the new parents adjust. She expected her parents too, even though they couldn’t stay longer than the night, rooming in Jared’s guesthouse and leaving in the morning. But yeah, her brothers were a surprise.

The family was greeted and the door, an array of excited faces welcoming them home. Someone had hung a ‘congratulations’ banner, with a matching ‘happy birthday’ one just below it. Everyone wrapped the new mother up in a tight embrace before passing her along to the next family member while the kids swarmed Jensen and the baby. It took quite some convincing from the parents to quiet down the little ones, all excited to meet their new cousin and forgetting that they needed to chill out as he was sleeping currently.

“Alright,” Jared’s voice broke above the commotion of multiple conversations. “As the godfather and the whole reason this child even exists, I call dibs on holding him first!” He looked to his sister, his brows high on his forehead as he waited for her answer.

“You all are going to get a turn, I don’t care who goes first. But stop saying you are the reason he exists, it’s weird… ” She waved him on before adding, “and don’t forget the sanitizer.”

Jensen lifted the car seat to the island as Jared bounced over to him. He literally was bouncing on the balls of his feet, his sister rolling her eyes as she followed behind him. The giant of a man moved delicately as he pulled the sleeping infant from the car seat. If she had thought her son looked small in her husband’s arms, it had nothing on how he looked compared to Jared. He took the newborn over to sit on the couch, all the cousin’s swarming him in no time.

“You need anything?” Jensen put his hand on her lower back to bring her attention from their family to him.

“A water?” She suggested as she looked over to him, knowing she would need it sooner rather than later. He nodded and turned to grab a water bottle for her. A soft ‘oh’ had her turning her head back towards her husband. Jensen stepped out of the way to show her their freezer full of Tupperware of different foods.

“We all made a few things for the freezer. I know Donna is staying with you for a little while, but once she is gone, you’ll thank me,” Y/n’s mother appeared next to her.

“Thanks, mom,” Once again she found herself fighting back the tears as she pulled her mother into a tight embrace. Sharon ran her hands up and down her daughter’s back as the younger woman refused to let go. Half of it was not wanting to let go, the other half was hiding her tears in the black sweater her mother wore. When she finally relented, Jensen was standing there with a tissue. He offered it to his wife who took it with a sheepish smile before he also hugged his mother-in-law.

The group in the kitchen returned to the living room where the rest of the family was, fussing over the baby. Jensen sat down in his chair near the fireplace that was angled to where the rest of the family was on or near the couch. He grabbed his wife’s wrist and pulled down along with him, situating her into his lap. The new mother fidgeted in her seat, struggling to get comfortable.

“Would you stop that?” Jensen’s voice was low in her ear as he squeezed her legs in a vain attempt to hold her still.

“I-,” She shifted again with a soft sigh before turning to whisper in his ear. “I’m very sore down there, and your legs are not the most comfortable right now.” His lips formed a thin line as he nodded. Before she could say anything else, he lifted and moved them both so she was situated in between him and the side of the chair, effectively taking the pressure off of her sensitive area.

“Better?”

“God yes,” she huffed before snuggling into his side. The couple watched content as their family traded their son around. The looks of amazement from the kids and the near tears from the adults filled her heart more than she imagined it could have ever been before. Just when she thought it was full, it somehow found room for more love and happiness.

“So, have you two decided on a name yet?” Sharon spoke up as he was passed to her. The older woman was gently bouncing on her feet, her husband peering over her shoulder.

The new parents shared a look, unsure which of them should answer the question to the information they had filled out in his birth certificate just before leaving for home. Everyone had been asking since they got the news he was officially here, though the couple didn’t have an answer as they struggled to come up with something. Jensen tilted his head to her, signaling that she should answer.

“Yes, after an agonizing two hours of staring at him and willing him to tell us what his name should be, we finally picked one,” Y/n explained, her husband chuckling next to her at the memory of her talking to him as he slept. “His name is Ezra Jay Ackles.”

There were murmured compliments and agreements that the name more than fit the little bundle of joy they had just welcomed into their family. Sharon passed Ezra on to his other grandmother, the woman giddy as she took over baby holding duty. Ezra had woken up by now, his dark eyes searching and unsure of the commotion around him, but he had yet to fuss.

“Did you go with Jay because he looks just like Jensen?” she questioned, not taking her eyes off the infant in her arms.

“Ugh don’t remind me,” Y/n huffed, her face scrunched up at her mother-in-law’s words.

“Hey, I thought you liked the way I looked,” Jensen pouted next to her, but she could see the twinkle in his eye.

“That’s not the point. It would be just my luck that I carried him for nine months, was in labor for over eighteen hours while also needing to feed him every two hours, for him to look just like his dad. Where’s the justice in that?” Y/n frowned as her family laughed at her confession.

“Welcome to my world,” Gen piped up. “All of them, little clones of their dad.” The Padalecki women all nodded in agreement to that sentiment, much to the annoyance of their husbands.

“Hey, the Padalecki genes are strong, we can’t help it,” Jared protested, making Jensen throw his head back in laughter.

“If that’s true then I guess the Ackles genes are even stronger,” the new father countered, earning a shove from his wife.

“Alright you two, put the rulers away,” her joke got the rest of the room cackling at the boys’ expense. That satisfied the woman more than she would ever admit.

Not long after the reveal of their baby’s name, the family began to pack things up and head out. It had been a busy and tiring twenty-four hours for the new little family, and their loved ones headed out to give them some peace. Once everyone was gone, Alan offered to go to the store and grab something to whip up for dinner, leaving just Donna with the new parents.

“Y/n, honey, why don’t you go lay down. I know you haven’t really slept since yesterday,” Donna piped up, noting how the woman’s eyes were getting heavy. She was curled up on the couch next to her husband who was holding their son once again. Donna was picking up the mess left by the family.

“Mmm that sounds good but he will have to feed soon, I should just stay here,” Y/n answered with a hum. She couldn’t deny, a nap sounded wonderful but everything was about Ezra and his needs now.

“Couldn’t we just give him a bottle?” Jensen asked, earning a shake of the head from both of the women in the room.

“No, if you guys are committed to breastfeeding, she’s got to get her milk supply in and the best way to do that is for him to feed. Also, there is nipple confusion,” Donna stated matter of fact with Y/n nodding along the whole time.

“Nipple confusion?” Jensen looked to his wife, confusion written all over his face. The term sounded familiar to the actor, but he couldn’t for the life of him come up with a definition.

“It means that Ezra could get confused between the bottle and the breast, and the concern is that he would prefer the bottle,” Y/n explained, her hand absentmindedly running along her son’s cheek.

Jensen nodded in understanding and shrugged, “Not if he’s my son.”

The new mother reared back in confusion. “Why?” was the only thing Y/n could say after she and Donna looked at him with equal disgust and disappointment. Jensen grimaced under their looks before she continued. “Your mother is in the room.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Mom, I don’t know why I said it,” the look of shame on his face morphed into fear as he prepared for a scolding, but that moment never came. Instead, Donna stood and walked over to where they were seated.

“Alright, give me the kid,” the older Mrs. Ackles reached out for her grandson. Jensen gave him up without question. “Both of you need to sleep. Don’t worry, I will come and get you if he gets hungry.”

“It’s best not to argue with her when she makes that face,” Jensen muttered under his breath, but not so quiet that his mother didn’t hear him. She raised her brow at him, an action that was remarkably similar to the one Jensen often emulated.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Y/n agreed, allowing her husband to help her to her feet. Jensen gave his mom a quick peck on the cheek in passing as he pulled his wife along with him to their bedroom.

Inside the curtains were still drawn from when they had left yesterday, only a small sliver of light peeking into the room from its edges. Neither of them bothered with changing, knowing it was too much work for now. Instead, Jensen just turned down the bed, allowing them to slip under the cool covers. He settled into the pillows, lifting his arm to invite her back to his side. Of course, she obliged, snuggling into his chest with one hand placed where she could feel the steady beat of his heart under her fingertips.

Jensen wrapped his arm around her, his hand resting against her arm, rubbing soft circles against her skin. He stared up at the ceiling in the semi-dark room, watching the spinning blades of their ceiling fan make countless revolutions. His mind was racing, all the emotions of the last day starting to get to him now that he had nothing else to focus on.

Y/n was silent as well, but he knew she hadn’t fallen asleep yet, her body still too tense to have fully succumbed to the exhaustion. If he wanted to ever get some shut-eye, he knew he had to get some things off his chest. He needed to let go.

“You know what this reminds me of?” There was a gruff undertone to his voice, yet it still managed to be soft as he sought to not startle his wife. She hummed in response, letting him know she was listening. “Our first night together. Well, after… everything.”

“How so?” Y/n shifted so she could have a better view of her husband who now had her full attention.

“I couldn’t sleep then either. Too much going on in my head,” Jensen took a deep breath, his eyes still on the ceiling as he continued. “I kind of have this tendency to push all my emotions to the side to deal with them another time, even if that other time never comes, but that night, I just… I couldn’t get myself to do it. As I stared down at you, sleeping against my chest with that stupid little content smile on your face, I realized that you were worth all of it, every emotion: the fear, the anxiety, and even the guilt; they were all worth feeling for you.”

The crease in her brow deepened as her husband confessed to her what he went through that night. Jensen looked down at her then, a smile on his face and tears once again pooling in his eyes. He brought up his hand to caress her cheek before continuing.

“I never believed in love at first sight, hell, I still don’t, because even through all of that fear and anxiety what I felt most of all was love, and that didn’t happen overnight. It happened in the weeks we had spent in the makeup trailer, in the way you trusted me with the things you wouldn’t even tell your brother, and in your sarcastic comebacks that never failed to surprise me. I spent weeks falling in love with you and didn’t even realize it.”

“The only thing I could do was watch you sleep, so irrevocably in love with you that I was scared if I pushed away those bad feelings… if I didn’t consider every possible thing that could wrong from that moment on, that I would lose the best thing in my life now, so that’s what I did, just watched you sleep and go over every possible scenario my mind could come up with of how us being together could go wrong. I know...” He had to stop again, needing a moment to take a shuddering breath. “I know that day when I told you we needed a break hurt you and made you question everything I ever said to you and sure we’re past it now, but I really need you to know that when I came to you that next morning and asked you to go on one date with me, I didn’t make that decision lightly. I had decided before you even tried to sneak out of the guesthouse that you were worth everything.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” After he was silent for a moment, she couldn’t bear it any longer.

“Because I… I feel so much right now that I can’t shut it out. The love I feel for you and our son right now, I want to stay in that feeling forever. Even if it means facing every fear or anxiety over making sure you both are safe and happy and thriving. I just had to let you know that you two are my whole world now and I will spend the rest of my life never letting you forget it,” Jensen confessed, allowing the tears that he had been biting back now flow freely. Deep down he knew it was what he needed, that release of every emotion before he could truly relax. Just like she also knew that the time for words was over.

“Thank you for telling me that,” she nuzzled back into his side, pressing her cheek against his chest to listen to his heart again. Y/n knew it wasn’t easy for her husband to admit all of that to her. Those true moments where he exposed himself fully to her were rare. Not that she minded, Y/n didn’t need him to cut out his heart and serve it on a silver platter. Her husband was a man of action. He showed her all she needed to know in every first cup of coffee he brings her in the mornings or running her a bath when she needs time alone. Marriage is as much about the little things as it is about any grand declaration. If you asked Y/n, she would take the soft smiles and lingering touches over a grand speech any day, but this was nice too.

Part 12: Home

Forevers: @22sarah08 @akshi8278 @anathewierdo @atc74 @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @briagallen @callmekda @dawnie1988 @deandreamernp @deanwanddamons @ellewritesfix05 @emoryhemsworth @foxyjwls007 @hobby27 @janicho88 @jensengirl83 @katehuntington @lyarr24 @malfoysqueen14 @miss-nerd95 @mrsjenniferwinchester @msmarvelouswinchester @polina-93 @sleepylunarwolf @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan @smol-and-grumpy @suckmyapplejacks @superfanficnatural @supraveng @talesmaniac89 @thoughts-and-funnies @tranquility-or-chaos @waywardbeanie @winchest09

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fckwritersblock · 3 years

Text

Act 1: While We’re Young

Chapter 5

Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens x Black OC

(Unedited.)

Tuesday

January 10th 2005

Last night was the only night I'm allowing myself to cry over him and his 'return'. What good would it do me? No, I was gonna take Erik and whatever he had to throw at me by storm.

Waking up the next day, I feel refreshed. Like a brand new person with a more positive mindset. Today I had 3 classes and I'm determined to have a good Erik free day.

That whole Erik free thing went out the window as soon as I got to my first class.

Double O Computer Programming 1 was a junior class, however I'd taken it during the summer during my first year at UC Berkeley. DOCP 2 wouldn't be available until next semester but I needed to have a class since this was my first year on the actual campus. Thankfully Miss Hill really needed a T.A and the fact that I could help with an algorithm that tied into thermal nuclear astrophysics had her sold.

Right after I finished taking attendance, she barely got a word out before the door swung open revealing Erik as our late comer. I quickly glanced at the sheet in front of me, scanning for his name. I was so use to calling him N’dajaka when we were kids, I completely skipped over ‘Erik Stevens’. I huffed rolling my eyes, arms crossed over my chest. His timbs were the only thing heard shuffling across the room making hid way toward the front of the class. Wordlessly he handed Miss Hill before his eyes were on me. They scanned me from top to bottom, before locking with me a smug grin on his lips.

"Hey Lona," my jaw dropped.

Before I could get out a word, Miss Hill opened her mouth, looking up from the paper he handed her.

"Welcome Erik, sorry for the confusion."

"It's all good," he shrugged.

"Im Miss Hill, and I see you already know my aid. As I explained to the class prior to taking attendance, If I'm unavailable feel free to email or call her during the hours listed on the sheet." She is then took a sheet from me and handed him to me. "Other than that, find a seat."

He nodded pretending look over the sheet before averting his gaze back on me.

"I'm definitely gon do that."

Fuck my life right?

Well, Erik just so happened to be in the Calculus class I skipped two days ago. I thank God my record was squeaky clean and Mr. Kennedy accepted my poor excuse before I was quickly reminded the man upstairs has a sense of humor as the only available seat was next to Erik.

"The person next to you will be your partner for the remainder of the semester so let's take the next 15 minutes getting know one another hmm?." Mr. Kennedy instructed.

I couldn't suppress the groan that slipped as Erik casually leaned back in his chair, examining me.

"You heard the man, get to know me."

"I know all I need this know about you Erik."

"Oh so I'm Erik now? Like that?" He spoke cool, calm, and collected like our exchanged was normal.

I gripped my pencils tight, my knee bouncing up and down my body tense.

"Let me set things straight now. We don't need to talk to one another. If it doesn't have anything to do with any of the classes we take together, don't want to hear it. When you see me act like you don't know me. We clear?"

The expression on his face was unreadable before his lip twitched slight him responding.

"Crystal."

Wednesday

January 24th, 2005

It had been two weeks since Erik showed up here.

Ok that's a lie.

Apparently this man has been here. And to top it off, this mans name was in every bitch mouth like the second coming of Jesus Christ. From what I've observed though, he doesn't say much, or gives any of these broads much attention. He don't say much in general actually, he's really good at blending in. He got that laid back, mysterious, bad boy vibe going for him and these females out here hella into that.

But when he opens his mouth, that cocky bastard sure knows how to disrupt my entire soul at least while we're in class.

Outside of class though, he acts like I'm invisible.

It was like he never knew me. And honestly, I don't know how to feel about it. I know that's what I said I wanted but it bothers me just the same.

Today in particular though, he argued me down during our Calculus class. We had one problem to figure out before we could leave class today. You and your partner were supposed agree on the answer, and heaven forbid he just agree with me so we can get out of here. Math was always my subject when we were kids, nothing has changed. I was damn near about to say fuck it when he started laughing.

What in the entire fuck it so funny?" I was fuming.

"You," he shook his head. "You really hella mad."

"Um, YES!" I damn near shouted fed up. "You literally been tryna convince me it's 5 when it's-"

"Chill. I know the answer is 3 girl. C'mon, let's go." So smoothly he closed the book, grabbed his bag and headed to the front.

I was so upset, I had to let him do all the talking when it came to explain to the teacher I'll answer and how we got there. I know I open my mouth I wasn't going to say anything nice.

"Girl what crawled up your ass and died?" Donise questioned with a stank look as we sat at one of the benches outside of the library.

"Yeah What did Erik do now," I could hear teasing in Tatiana's tone so I flipped her off.

Only giving a brief explanation, I went on a mini rant about what happened in class 20 minutes ago. Donise's thought it was funny, while Tati just shook her head.

"I still can't believe it him," Tatianna glanced as a group of guys from across the quad headed our way, Erik included.

"Yes, and I wish it wasn't."

Tatianna was the first real friend I made in a while. I was actually tutoring her online for a while before she found out I was 4 years younger than her. Our friendship started off as a trade. I was her tutor and she both convinced and enrolled in a mentor program to help me with my social skills. I didn't speak to anyone much when Erik left, but I got into a lot of fights. According to the school counselor I was taking out my anger and abandonment issues on.I have meds to tame the anger, and while I haven't had to take them in a while Eric definitely bring that anger out of me.

"Girl that's just sexual tension. You got to fuck all that out." Ashley put in her unwanted two cents.

"Trust me when I tell you on God it isn't."

"Well if you out to holla, then trust and believe I will." She tossed her hair over her shoulder

I didn't really mess with Ashley like that, but she was Tati's frat sister which made them 'friends'. That little thot pocket will screw anything with legs, D, and a pulse and I'm not bout that life. Plus she messy as fuck and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.

"I don't doubt it," I smirked as Donise said exactly what I was thinking.

Donise was coo' though, I meet her when I first got here 2 months ago. Believe It or not she was apart of the welcome comity for MIT and turned out her and Tatiana were already friends. Once she figured out who I was, I was shot to the front line during registration and everything.

"Anyways, y'all going Ant and them party tomorrow?" Ashley questioned probably tryna bum a ride.

"What party?"

"The Que's," Donise answered. "The dudes with Erik are frat."

Now this was news to me. I met most of them before but I had no idea there were in a sorority. Examining them, I guess it all made sense. Most in the clique sported some sort of purple and yellow lanyard either around their neck or on their keychain that hung from their jean pocket as if they wanted everybody to know who they were. Which I wouldn't doubt.

"Ladies! What we chattin about?" Moses questions every bit of his thick English accent tapering off every word.

"Our plans for mañana," Tati answered l

"Word. Y'all coming to the party tomorrow?" Jay spoke playing with a few strands of Donise's curls.

"Tomorrow? It's Thursday." I said confused. "Ain't there class the next day?"

"What's the matter, you can't hang?" I glared at Jay, knowing he was only chastising me because him and Erik were close, according to Tati.

I swear to God men gossip more than women do. Rolling my eyes I spared Erik a glance and he looked like he was waiting on me to respond.

"Oh, I can definitely hang."

I couldn't hang.

Around midnight I was in the bathroom throwing up everything, damn near hug in the toilet as my surrounding looks so blurry and I can barely function. Im not sure when I'd finally finished, but I could feel someone picks me up and out the bathroom and soon everything goes blurry and then black.

Tag list: @kitesatforestp @xsweetdellzx @justgetitoverwith0 @letsshamelessqueen-m @cmkcolove @readingaddict1290

#black!reader #black panther killmonger #erik killmonger series #erik stevens x reader #erik stevens #killmonger x black!reader #black writer #killmomger x oc #killmonger imagine #marvel imagine #marvel #black panther imagine #black panther #wakanda forever #tchalla

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emotional-blender · 4 years

Text

chicken pox. nurse!cal au

a/n: want to be added to my tag list just throw me an ask or a message and i'll add you! feedback is always welcomed and appreciated! the rest of my nuse!calum pieces can be found here.

warnings; none.

length: 1.8k

he has always been a doting partner bht it was always in his own way. sometimes you felt a pang of jealousy as you listened to your friends talk about things that sounded perfect and movie like; how their boyfriends lit them candles for a bath and went on all inclusive tropical vacations with the coupley pictures to post all over social media. cal always looked kind of awkward with an arm around you in front of a camera. he didn't light you candles just for you to get wrinkly and snooze in the tub. but there were other things, things you didn't bother bragging about because bragging about your boyfriend felt weird. the reason you didn't take tropical vacations accumulating credit you didn't have was because when you asked about it, calum had motioned to the tiny apartment you shared and promised that a house with room for activities would be so much better when you had managed to save enough for the downpayment. you didn't go out on proper dates often but when on a rare shared day off, you decided to take duke for a hike and you got bitten by something weird and itchy, he carefully took the bug from you skin with a tissue.

"why are you doing that?" you asked as he stuck it all wrapped up in a plastic bag from you snacks.

"in case you have a worse reaction later and we need to bring you to the hospital or something. we'll be able to show them exactly what bit you so they can help you best," he explained simply, tucking the baggie into his pocket. as he took hold of your arm gently to inspect it more closely, you felt loved.

everytime one of your friends found a new exciting relationship you felt a tinge of jealousy. you both worked a lot. you worked a desk job with predictable hours and weekends off. calum's days off rolled and rotated. sometimes you went to work while he slept all day and sometimes you were home alone all weekend while he worked 12 hour days. he couldn't guarantee being home for christmas or new years eve. neither of your birthdays or valentine's day was sacred. but you were solid; as the same friends you had been jealous of got their hearts broken by cheating partners or couldn't handle the natural fizzle or a relationship settling into normalcy.

he had always doted in you in his own way. when on his first day off after a bout of night shifts, you woke him up at noon, he wasn't even too grumpy about it, noting the discomfort in your voice as you'd shaken him awake.

"wha's wrong?" he asked lazily as he looked up at you, his curls wild from going to sleep with wet hair. you'd held up your arm, with its red raised dots, tour other hand readying up to itch the back of your neck, then your shoulder.

"i think i'm allergic to something," you explain and he reaches up to rub at his eyes before batting your scratching arm down from your shoulder.

"stop itching," his voice is still raspy from sleep but he's more alert as his eyes travel from the arm yoire holding up to him, to your face and down your chest. you're surprised when he reaches for your shirt lifting it and exposing your stomach. then he let's put a laugh that's slightly unrecognizable.

"what?" you demand and he let's his head flop down to the pillow again, smiling up at you amusedly

"haven't you had a chicken pox vaccine?" he asks curiously. you didn't even know that was a thing. you shake your head, eyes narrowing at him.

"no?" your response hangs in midair and he laughs again and this time you recognize the tone of it as disbelief. you reach up to itch again and he's just as quick, batting your arm down.

"no scratching," he acolds you sleepily before pushing himself up to a sitting position, a hand coming up to feel your forehead with the backs or hos fingers.

"fevers starting," he states as he drops his hand from your skin. it doesn't take him long, his naked body pushing up off the bed and out of the blankets. he leaves you there, disappearing put of the room. you hear him rummaging in the kitchen and when he appears a moment later he's got the canister of instant oatmeal.

"what the fuck?" you look at him like he's got two heads and he rolls his eyes at you.

"you promise you didn't have chicken pox as a kid either?" he asks, biting his lip, clearly thijiig but not letting you in on his thought process. you shake your head.

"okay, well. surprise, you gave them now," he sighs a little and you make a face. that can't possibly be true.

"shouldn't you stay away?" you ask and he shakes his head.

"no, me and mali had them at the same time and when i was in nursing school i had to have a tifre test to make sure i was immune," he explains. "but i really wish more people got vaccines, i hear its really miserable to have as an adult,"

you pout and you can't help the way your eyes fill up with tears and the itching you felt on your shoulder spreads everywhere.

"come on, we're gonna get you in an oatmeal bath and get some calamine on you," he reaches a hand out for you to take, leading you to the ensuite bathroom of the house you'd saved so long to gave a downpayment for.

he runs you a warm bath and tosses in the oatmeal. the water gets cloudy as you sit in it, letting him use a fresh cloth to rub over your arms and back, itching but not scratching. you look down at yourself and it's shocking how fast the few spots you'd noticed that morning have have appeared all over, exponentially. you're covered from head to toe. when your bath is done and you're dry he helps you to cover the spots in pink chalky calamine lotion, fanning you and blowing on the spots so it dries before you get into fresh pyjamas.

"baby, you really gotta not itch," he speaks softly as he motions for you to climb into bed. "i know it sucks but you have to try," you pout as ye disappears again. this time he comes back with a handful of pills and a glass of apple juice from the fridge.

"benadryl and tylenol," he explains, "one for the itching, one for the fever and the pain,"

you're confused because it's just itchy. you don't really feel any pain. but the cocktail of medicine he gave you knocks you put not long after and when you wake up, you can't help but whimper. the itching makes it feel like your body is on fire and when you try to move everything aches. you feel like you got hit by a truck.

"hey, you," he's dressed now, sitting up beside you in the bed, back against the headboard, sleepy as star wars plays on the television in your bedroom. "how ya feelin?"

"like i'm on fire," you whine and turn your head to rest it on his thigh. he's gentle as he runs a hand over your hair.

"gonna feel like that for a little bit," his voice is soft. "i went out and got a lot more benadryl and tylenol, plus advil. i think you'll be more comfortable if you switch from tylenol to advil every four hours and do the benadryl every six for the itch. if you want, we can do another bath and the lotion right now. then i'll get you some food but i wanna peek in your throat and make sure your fever isn't too high cause you feel warm again," it's always interesting to watch your calum, the boy who drinks a beer in the shower on his first day off and who normally let's the work ruck roll off his tongue every other word, go into nurse calum mode at home. it doesn't happen that often and the amount he gives in to babying you when you're sick is how you normally gauge how sick you are. take some cold medicine and go to work means you're really just being whiney. a feel of your forehead and your pulse with a good look and feel at whatever you're complaining about usually means get some rest. but this? a whole plan for meds, regular checks of your temperature and bathing? he means business.

"okay," you agree and lay there pathetically for a moment longer before sitting up with a wince. but he's eight there, waiting with the thermometer when you're finally sitting. he takes tour temperature easily and then a moment later a pen light is in his hands and he's instructing you to open your mouth and say ahhhh. you comply and he looks, but he can't keep his wince off of us face or the look of concern that settles there.

"popsicle ice cream diet foe you, chicken," he presses a kiss to your forehead and hugs you for a moment. he rubs his arm up and down your back over your shirt and it's like heaven. a moan falls from your lips and he keeps going, moving from your back to your thighs and where ever his arms can reach, itching but definitely not scratching. he gives you your next dose of medicine from the schedule he's devised with a cold bottle of gatorade and then leads you to the bath for round two.

that's how the next two weeks or your life go. he manages to take three days off, giving him a total of nine days off in a row. it gets worse, more painful as the week goes on. but he bathes you and puts on new calamine lotion multiple times a day, even if it's 2am. he makes sure your fever stays down and somehow his devised schedule of meds keeps you knocked out through the worst of it. by the time he goes back to work you're on the mend. youre itchy but it doesn't feel as bad as it did. he makes sure to set alarms on your phone so you take the meds, tapering them off so it's not such a shock to your system when you're done with them entirely.

he's ways doted on you in his own way. the tinge of jealousy you felt over your friends exciting but short lived relationships was nothing compared to the security you felt with calum; nothing compared to how thoughtful he was, even if he wasn't romantic in the typical ways that movies taught boys to be band taught girls to expect. he was yours and you didn't brag or flaunt his gestures. your birthdays and Valentine's day may not have been sacred holidays, but the moments he showed you just how much he loved you were.

taglist: @calumscalm @thesubtweeter

#calum hood #calum hood imagine #calum hood imagines #calum hood blurb #calum hood blurbs #calum hood fics #calum 5sos #5sos imagine #5sos blurbs #5sos blurb #5sos imagines #5sos fic #nurse!calum

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relapseblog · 4 years

Text

A bit about me...

It started innocently enough.

At the age of 11 I started smoking marijuana. I liked the way it made me feel. For a kid who suffered a great negativity, who was always on guard, whose mind was always racing and never about anything pleasant... it was great to feel all the tension and hostility dissipate. Marijuana allowed me to be creative, have fun, interact with other children on a child’s level, and enjoy the spoils of being a child.

This newfound jovial disposition that marijuana allowed me to experience did not last long, however, until things took a swift and sharp turn leading me into a seeming adulthood earlier than any individual should ever be forced.

To have more of that spirited carefree feeling wholly preoccupied my brain. Each day I needed more marijuana and by the age of 12 I was drinking alcohol fairly regularly.

By age 13 I had shot up heroin for the first time.

How did I acquire heroin at such a young age, well, with the prevalence of the drug in the town in which I live it was pretty simple.

I was at an all ages heavy metal show downtown, and I met an older guy who was a user and also a seller of the drug. It seemed to escape me at the time, but looking back it’s plain to see that the man was a pedophile. But at the age I was the thought of it being off did not cross my mind. I thought it was cool that he liked me and wanted to hang out with me and be with me.

Not only was the attention I was getting from this older guy intoxicating, the prospects of what this drug he was into could do was enticing to say the least. Knowing what marijuana and alcohol accomplished for me, I couldn’t wait to see what I thought of as the ultimate drug could do.

Did I realize heroin was dangerous and addictive? Yes. There were rock musicians whom I idolized who had met their demise due to the drug. We learned about the different kinds of drugs in school and their potential to be very dangerous. I wasn’t a stupid kid by any means. I know heroin was bad.

I was apprehensive to want to try it the first couple of times me and this guy hung out. I knew the dangers and in all honesty I was a little scared. But it didn’t take long for me to talk myself into it. I rationalized my decision to try it by reminding myself that my mother had dabbled in drugs in her past and never got addicted. I thought I was going to be like my mother; unfazed by the addictive perils of drugs. Boy, was I wrong!

At the tender age of 13 I became a heroin addict. Of course, I would’ve never admitted that to myself at the time. Heroin was just like marijuana and alcohol for me; I always wanted more, and more wasn’t a problem.

Fast forward 2 years to when I was a sophomore in high school at age 15. I had a job as a prep cook at a restaurant where I met a coworker who was a man in his late thirties that introduced me to meth. I didn’t like it nearly as well as I liked heroin, and I didn’t use it often. But the meth thing will be important later.

Fast forward 4 more years to when I’m 19 years old, graduated from high school, and a college flunky. I managed to get clean off heroin by myself by weaning myself through the method of tapering my dosage of OxyContin and Dilaudid pills until I quit taking them altogether. I like to claim I quit heroin cold turkey, but was it really cold turkey if I just replaced it with OxyContin and Dilaudid? Not exactly I suppose. But nonetheless I was very proud of myself. Having failed my entire first year of college was unacceptable and I knew something had to change, so, I took the initiative to quit using and would re-enroll in classes.

Upon quitting use of opiates I earned my associate’s degree in criminal justice in 2016 despite a growing problem.... Since being clean from opiates I got heavier into meth. I’d use maybe twice a week on pay days, but that was it. Didn’t seem like an issue if I wasn’t using every day, and besides, I told myself that as long as I wasn’t on heroin I was doing great!

Fast forward 4 more years and I remained clean off opiates this whole time, but was now 23 years old and using meth nearly all day every day whenever I got a chance, even at my place of employment which was an inpatient substance abuse treatment facility. I went to work every day facilitating therapy and support groups for addicts whilst I was still writhing in active addiction. At times even using meth inside the facility. I felt horrible about myself, but I still wasn’t willing to admit that meth had become a problem.

It took losing my job, having intense fall outs in my relationships, going to jail multiple times, catching multiple charges, relapsing on heroin, and being forced into outpatient treatment to get me clean.

I can no proudly say I’ve been clean of all substances since November of 2018.

Currently I am studying for my bachelors in criminal justice and have about a year left before I graduate, I am also minoring in psychology. I have two jobs, one working at a youth shelter, another working at the inpatient substance abuse facility at my county’s jail.

I remain active in outpatient treatment, mental health therapy, and psychiatric services (though the pandemic has thrown a real wrench in my counseling and therapy, but I still am taking my meds).

I am a heroin and meth addict with co-occurring bipolar disorder who is functioning working two jobs and going to school. There was a time I didn’t think I’d make it to high school. There was a time I didn’t think I’d make it out of high school. There was a time I didn’t think I’d make it to 21. I certainly never could’ve fathomed I’d make it to 25. But here I am! Committed to growing and learning more about myself and any and everything else I can learn about every single day!

I used to believe that I would die high on a drug, and that I would die young. I no longer have to believe that! I never would’ve thought I’d be capable of experiencing the shifts in perspective that I’ve experienced.

Recovery is truly life altering.

Despite all I’ve been through I wouldn’t change how a single thing played out in my life thus far. All of it has contributed to making me the woman I am today.

#personal #narrative #story #addiction #drugs #drug addiction #substance abuse #recovery #relapse #heroin #meth #OxyContin #Dilaudid #Mental health #mental illness #bipolar disorder #Substance use disorder

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marshmallowgoop · 5 years

Photo

This is something I should have edited together.

So here it is: (a lot of!) the sweet messages I’ve received in the last month or so that are in direct response to my anonymous hate mail.

I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard it said that humans are remarkably negative creatures, and it takes so many more positive experiences to balance out just one negative experience. And maybe it’s not that universal a thing, but I can say that it sure feels relevant to my own life.

So, I think it’s important to remind myself that, no matter how much it seems like it’s so easy to attack me but so difficult to support me, I’ve actually received far more kind messages than cruel messages throughout this whole mess. And the kind messages are so much more thoughtful, too—and often attached to real names!

And... I think that says something when I’m as cringey and humiliating as I am. These folks aren’t too ashamed to say that they’re here for me and what I do.

(But that said, I have removed names from anything that wasn’t a reblog or reply because I don’t want to embarrass anyone. Please let me know if you don’t want your words here at all, and I’ll blur them out. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.)

There’s some stuff I want to address under the cut—along with a transcript if anyone is interested in reading these words but has trouble with the screenshots—but more important than any of my ramblings to follow, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write out these supportive sentiments and who continues to support me. I know these meltdowns are a drag, and I know I’ve been a nuisance. Thank you for sticking with me. I aim to be better and live up to what these messages say.

First things first, I want to clarify why I posted the collage of all the hate the other day. I didn’t approach that well, and I’m sorry. I realized too late that it was a bad decision.

Really, that collage was more meant just for me. Maybe it’s sad, but I’ve been actively writing on this site for a good half decade now, and for a lot of that time, I’ve almost craved anon hate. I was disappointed that I never got any. I wondered what the heck I was doing wrong.

After all, I have so many unpopular opinions. I realized that a lot of the community disliked me—or if that’s too strong a word, I knew they didn’t want anything to do with me—because of what I think and how I feel. But they never wanted to voice anything to my face. I wasn’t worth the effort to be attacked. I was nothing. Nobody.

There’s this quote from Tibor Kalman that I think about a lot: “[W]hen you make something no one hates, no one loves it.” If no one hated me enough to hate me right to my face, I thought, then I wasn’t good enough. I was boring. Easily forgotten. Not worth the effort.

So, getting all that anon hate for the first time? God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. Getting everything I’d always feared the community hated about me—as well as things I didn’t even consider them hating about me—right in my inbox? Ow. I cried a lot. I wanted to burn everything I ever wrote a lot. I wanted to quit making stuff for this community a lot.

What’s the use? I thought—selfishly, of course, keeping in mind all the support up above. Why do I try? It was cruel and unfair, but I kept thinking these things. I kept thinking, What’s the use when nobody wants me here?

But I also thought about the implications of getting all that stuff thrown at me. And I knew it meant one thing: I’m not boring anymore.

There is at least one person out there who frequently checks my blog for more things to rail on me for. There is at least one person going out of their way to write nasty, awful, mean-spirited messages. There is at least one person eagerly waiting for me to respond, to say something, anything, so that they can hurt me and drag me and push me down.

After all these years, to at least one person, I’m worth the effort. No matter how much the messages have stung and destroyed me, I wanted to keep a record of them to remind myself, hey. Someone or someones out there hate(s) me this much for having a different opinion on a cartoon. Maybe that says that my opinions on this cartoon are worth something.

I mean, they’re worth this level of mocking and ridicule, right?

But... I could have just kept the collage to myself. It’s a personal motivation. Nobody else needs to see these terrible things. That just encourages the cruelty even more. Why did I publicize it?

Well, it’s not too uncommon for Internet content creators to make something out of their hate comments. I like the trend of turning the comments into songs, like here, for example:

youtube

At the end of the video, Madilyn Bailey, the artist, says that the purpose of the song is to mock Internet troll culture and make something positive from the negativity.

But I wouldn’t say that that was really my motivation for posting my collage. Call me silly and naive, but I wanted to draw attention to these Internet fandom issues. Everything in that collage is what I was having to deal with... on top of my normal life struggles.

While all of this was happening, I was tapering off my anxiety and depression medication because I felt it wasn’t as effective as it could be and because I feared it was making me lose my hair—something that I am extremely self-conscious about. I cut my hair short nearly a decade ago, and it’s never grown back to the same length.

So, needless to say, while all of this was happening, I was horrified about the big clumps of hair lost in the shower. I was dealing with lightheadedness and dizziness from the withdrawal of my meds (which I’m still dealing with, btw), and I was also dealing with stresses at work. My department has changed management within the last year, and there’s been the concern that people will lose their jobs. There’s been the concern that this occupation won’t be enough to support me anymore.

While all of this was happening, I was stressed about my career, about money, about growing older—the beginning of the anon hate assault was just days before my birthday. I couldn’t see my therapist as much as I wanted because there ain’t enough therapists out there for all this world’s issues.

And while I know that I shouldn’t compare, I also know well that my struggles are nothing compared to the struggles of others. So, how must it feel to deal with all the crap that life just normally throws at you, that’s probably a lot worse for most people than it is for me... and then come home to messages that treat you like a disgusting, horrible, awful human being for your feelings on a cartoon? For work you offer to a community for free and fun?

For answers to questions that you only answered because you were asked to?!

Well, it felt pretty bad to me.

When I posted my collage, I meant to send a message about how this is not okay. I don’t want to see this kind of behavior, and I’m bothered that I don’t know how normal or common what happened to me is. Is this an everyday occurrence for online content creators? Have I just been shielded all these years because I wasn’t interesting enough?

I hoped that by sharing what I was going through, it’d draw attention to the problem. We shouldn’t be treating our fandom content creators like this. It’s not fair. It’s sick.

Of course, I don’t want to guilt anyone into supporting me. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t criticize me. I don’t want anyone to feel that, just because I was dealing with a Lot in life, any poor behavior on my part is somehow okay. It isn’t.

The comments that probably hurt me the most in that collage aren’t even the “hate” ones. They’re the ones that express that I messed up. That I hurt them. I can’t say I agree with how these feelings were expressed, but more than any nasty, personally insulting message, those probably hit hardest. I hate the feeling that I’m disappointing my followers. In fact, in taking screenshots for this post, I saw that at least one of the people who had sent me a sweet message has since unfollowed. And that—the sense that I should just stop, that my work really is as horrible as the cruel anons say, that I’m no longer someone they want to support because I’m a disaster and a failure—that... really, really stung.

But as I’ve said before, I can’t blame anyone for leaving me after all this drama. It stinks. It sucks. I messed up. I try to be kind, respectful, considerate, but I’m not perfect, and there are gonna be mistakes along the way.

So I want to encourage—but only if you’re comfortable doing so, of course—more feedback about how to be better. How could I make my content more appealing? How could I handle these situations in ways that are less awful? Could I improve my post-tagging system? My therapist is helping me, but I’d like to hear from all y’all, too. I want to know how to make stuff that people actually enjoy. Anon hate doesn’t exactly help me make better content, but actual constructive feedback will. That’s what I want to see.

But enough bellyaching. Here are some posts I’m prioritizing right now, and I’d like to know which one folks would want to see most:

✄ “ambiguous” thoughts

✄ Ryuko stronger in episode 14, North Kanto monkey versus Osaka monkey

✄ Episode 6 ending

✄ Ryuko and Senketsu interactions

✄ Ripping out heart

✄ Satsuki’s isolation

✄ Things About: Senketsu, Satsuki, Mako, Tsumugu (maybe more?)

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 5-8

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 9-10

✄ Anime Revolution info

It’s a lot, I know ^^; And that’s not even close to all of it. But where should I start? Don’t worry; I intend to finish everything here—especially because a lot of these are old, old requests!—but I’m easily overwhelmed, so an idea of where to begin would be really helpful for me!

tl;dr, I shouldn’t have posted that thing the other day, and maybe this long vomit dump about my intentions doesn’t even come close to making up for it. But I want folks to know that I appreciate their support and would love any feedback about how to better serve the community and live up to these kind messages.

Which, speaking of, here’s a transcript of them:

“As a survivor that's ace I think you're handling the ragyo situation excellently and I'm really enjoying your blog so thank you!”

“Sorry you’re dealing with backlash in regards to your opinions and headcanons on Ragyo, dear! While I can’t really say much on the matter, I think it’s fair that you’re being open with us on how you feel and that you’re entitled to your opinion. Does that mean people will agree with you? No, but that’s okay! Or at the very last, it should be...but people can get heated when certain topics come up and that’s when it Gets Messy”

“There’s no right way to fandom, people jumping in your ask to belittle you are jerks. Tbh the first time I watched Kill La Kill I didn’t consider ryuko and senketsu relationship as romantic but after finding your writing and on subsequent watches I totally see it and like that’s the whole point of fandom right? A group of people who love a thing for varying reasons, I don’t understand this need to be monolithic in fandom. Anyways I love your writing and totally understand your frustrations of late”

“Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like whatever they want to like. You don’t like that? That’s fine! But please, leave Goop alone for stating her mind and expressing how she feels about it. She wouldn’t hark you for your opinion because she’s fully aware of how could make you feel. She’s done nothing but pout her heart out about a series she loves, it’s her passion. If someone did that to YOU, you wouldn’t like it, now would you? (1/2)

“I know it’s not going to magically change overnight and everyone will say their peace to feel validated, but I just feel so bad that you’re getting all of this over things that you’ve previously talked about and STILL have to defend yourself for. Your opinion is yours, Goop, and don’t let ANYONE try to challenge that! (2/2)”

“Please don't be so hard on yourself! I understand why it makes you upset when people send hate and stuff but you shouldn't feel the need to justify every single word you say. I just wanted to let you know that I always adored everything you write and I'm completely on your side in all of this. :) I hope you feel better soon!”

“I think your takes are very good; but more important than everyone agreeing w/ everyone elses readings, I think, is that you are a very good writer of analysis and it would be a shame for you to falter in that because of ppls reactions to your content. anyone who harasses you about having the 'wrong opinions' about fiction needs to learn how analysis of fiction functions & find a better outlet :) you are very talented, Goop, please follow your true north!”

“People get hung up on weird things, like you can disagree with someone and not devolve to personal attacks??? Anyways I enjoy your klk content! I look forward to more analysis of the game!”

“man, i dunno why so many anons gotta be such massive jackasses, you don't deserve it. hell, i don't even ship ryuketsu (I lean towards a more queerplatonic partnership interpretation, and im generally allergic to romantic shipping anyways) and i still deeply appreciate the thought and research and care you put into your meta.”

“ik you don't want asks about this but as a sexual assault survivor you are absolutely valid on how you feel about Ragyo. I skip the bath scene on every rewatch, and I find her atrocious. The fact that people are attacking you for this is dumb.”

“Hey man you’re allowed to talk about who you want on your blog. It’s your shit. People are so entitled nowadays and can’t let people have opinions anymore. You’re not dumb, you’re not trying to be offensive. And it hurts seeing how you’re trying to be courteous and step on eggshells and still getting dragged. Like people are allowed to disagree but there’s no need to be rude to someone trying not to be rude. You’re literally saying an opinion. Everyone else relax, my dude. You’re fine.”

“It’s amazing how all these people can recognize ragyos terrible behavior but insist on having to defend her….”

“Just wanted to shout over all of this hate and say you have an amazing blog and you shouldn’t let this get you down. Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s legitimately awesome. Anyway that’s all I had to say. Keep being you.”

“Hey Goop. Just always remember that even if we're quieter, there will always be more people supporting you and loving you than people hating you. I really hope you don't let these anons destroy your health in a more permanent way. Keep up the good work!”

“Hello! Just wanted to say that I love your posts and analyses of klk so much! I love seeing how passionate you are about it (bc I am too) and I also ship Ryuketsu SUPER hard! I'm sorry if people are getting you down, but I hope you keep on doing your thing!”

trashcanalienist said: I agree with this so much

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: …don’t ever let someone else’s insecurities become part of you. 😉

official-raven-branwen reblogged this from marshmallowgoop and added:

Ya’ll got a problem with Goop, you can fuck outta here with that.

#Lookin at you anon

official-raven-branwen said: Why are people being mean to you??! Goop, please please please don’t ever think that your content isn’t wanted. If people are having an issue, that’s on them. They can fuck right off.

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: More Ryuketsu! Indeed!

kuribo4indahouse said: Kill la Kill needs you

csolarstorm said: Hey Goop, I sympathize. It’s never easy to share opinions about topics like this, because everyone has a different story, and they all want their story heard by others. I’ve found that you can’t accomodate everyone’s struggles - you can only speak for yourself. Keep on writing, I love Kill la Kill and Iook forward to reading your work.

official-raven-branwen said: You got this!

kuribo4indahouse said: Don’t worry, and don’t count out the possibility of becoming bigger over time!

gaylo-thymos said: Hell yea, you’re doing your very best to be out there and that’s what matters. Keep bein you!

darthvandr said: Well regardless of recent events, you’re one of my favorite blogs and I’d be sad if you left. So you just keep on being you!

kuribo4indahouse said:

Who the fuck wrote that lol

Are those even real people writing those messages? Who would be this rude over a TV show?

And then they call you “butthurt”… Any self awareness?

official-raven-branwen replied to your post “You’re so butthurt about this Ragyou thing. Get over yourself. So…”

You are awesome Goop! Don’t listen to those asshat anons. You rock and those anons mean nothing. You keep being you because you are enough!

Not sure why you have such awful anons. You are an awesome person. Please know that you opinions on stuff that you (very obviously) love are perfectly valid, because they are your opinions, on your own freaking blog. And to that anon that sent you that message, listen dude, if you don’t like the content Goop puts out, there’s the unfollow button right there champ.

eldritchgentleman reblogged your photo and added:

Fuck the opinions of others and enjoy what you love! They don’t own you, listening to them doesn’t make you happy so screw them with a pineapple.

simon-newman reblogged your photo and added:

Also Ryuko and Senketsu is a valid ship.

eric-coldfire reblogged your photo and added:

Absolute valid ship, op. Ignore the haters and keep being you.

kuribo4indahouse reblogged your post and added:

Just laugh at these Goop.

badgerjaw replied to your post “goops, you’re starting to stoop to the level of those that are bugging…”

I don’t think this anon knows what patronizing means, nor can they tell the difference between getting a big head and acknowledging the amount you do in this fandom. To each their own, nonny, cheers

badgerjaw replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

At least the shirt in question can consent; wonder if these nonnies are gonna get on the people who abuse their non-sentient socks?

“I'm sorry. I don't always necessarily agree with the ideas, but I haven't been offended.”

“And I know you're like, you know, a reasonable, nice person. So even if you did say something that came off as offensive, I wouldn't be up in arms about it, you know?”

“Hey Goop, I know this is coming really late but here's what I wanted to say

“You didn't deserve any ounce of that anon hate.

“I'm just absolutely stunned. There was nothing wrong with what you posted. Not then, not now. Because all you were doing was expressing your OWN interpretations. You weren't trying to claim anything as set-in-stone fact

“And... I don't understand. I don't understand why people are SO angry that another person has an opinion they don't share. In the end, what are we talking about here? An anime...

“Don't get me wrong. The topics you discussed were indeed important to talk about, and fiction definitely does influence reality. But the fact of the matter is that, when it comes down to it, your posts were simply you sharing some headcanons about some characters from an anime

“And... when you look at the grand scheme of things, I really do think those anons are really quite pathetic. I mean. Consider what sort of person they have to be so get SO angry over a post like ‘Hey I think Ragyo might be ace’ and say ‘How can you be this STUPID Ragyo is OBVIOUSLY a lesbian and YOUR WHOLE BLOG IS A BAD TAKE’ like really?????

“Actually you didn't even say ‘Ragyo might be ace,’ it was more of a ‘I personally feel like Ragyo is ace’ and?? What's the issue with that?????/

“I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I'm so upset that you're upset cause of those anons and all the hate you got over NOTHING

“Also, don't discount the fact that there are indeed people out there who agree with you. I know you mentioned that you don't think anyone shares the same opinions on Ragyo as you do. But in all my years of following you, I've realized one thing

“You and I... have the same opinions on EVERYTHING????????

“But let me be clear. That's not why I support you. It doesn't matter if we have the same headcanons.

“Even if I disagreed with everything you said, I'd still support you. Because it's not the headcanons that matter—it's how respectful you are and how you're always trying to better yourself. You always try SO SO SO hard to express yourself in a reasonable and kind way, and you are always trying to be mindful of your wording and considerate of other people's opinions

“It really upsets me to see you apologize so much to people who don't deserve an apology.”

“Hi, Goop. I want to thank you for everything you do on this blog. I started getting into your Kill la Kill content in around 2016. I even keep a copy of your meta book downloaded on my phone to reread every now and then.

“I think what I like so much about your writing is how in-depth and supported and thoughtful it all is. Kill la Kill is so easy for people to write off as just a flashy, over the top, fanservice show. I think the biggest takeaway from the show is that it truly is a story about friendship and love, and I’m glad that you write so, so much about this. It always gets me all giddy and excited when I see you post something new or when you reblog your old stuff. I first watched the show in 2014, then I rewatched it two more times, knowing that I liked it, but not knowing exactly why.

“Until I started reading your blog. It’s really thanks to you that Kill la Kill is now my unbeatable, number one favorite anime ever.

“You put into words so eloquently what I’ve always felt towards Kill la Kill since I first watched it. I want you to know I really appreciate you. Please know you have my support, and I hope you keep doing what you love.”

“First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY~

“I just hope that anon finds something more fulfilling than spewing hate and nonsense. Like model trains, or magic tricks. I know my life got a lot more bright when I kept my nose out of people’s business and started focusing on the things I love to do.”

“I'm sorry that you have to deal with these trolls. :/ Some people just like to get a reaction.

“*would talk more but feels that the conversation is past its expiration*

“I respect you for expressing your opinion. Lord knows how illegal that is when insecure people get offended.”

“super late at night for me and I should be sleeping but I saw all your responses and how you tried to handle things and just felt really bad. You're in a situation that things just can't be solved with a simple logical response. Like I said sometimes people just have a view and when they disagree they just need to attack others who are part of that disagreement.”

kurouga replied to your post “[[MOR] I already knew people felt this way about me, but I guess…”

You don’t know if it needs you? At times like these I’d say the fandom doesn’t deserve you. It’s always mind-boggling – and yeah, saddening – to recognize how readily people forget how to be civil and begin to hold the meaning they see in fiction as more important than the feelings and experiences of others. Meanwhile you’re classy, humble, patient, and resilient enough to have retained these qualities where so many others… haven’t. Nothing short of inspiring.

I’d say it’s reflective of the cancerous state of fandom environments that it’s so much easier to win support with sweeping, neat and tidy divisiveness – that is, by resorting to discouraging, dismissing, or ridiculing differences in opinion – than it is to garner support as a thoughtful proponent of discussion.

Those who would argue “This fandom would be perfect if only those people who have other opinions/ships would just *stop* already” are those who would rather reign over a wasteland than accept that their views aren’t threatened/invalidated by the existence of differing views. And they almost certainly don’t appreciate the irony in that the perfect victory they envision is one in which what remains of the fandom is all cut from the same cloth. Never stop being you, goop.

“Hey uh saw that you're going through some brutal stuff with a anon. But I wanted you to know you're handling it like a champ and hopefully they'll get on with their life soon!”

“No problem I always look forward to getting notifications for your posts. It's kinda sad that you can't talk about opinions on here without someone getting upset but I hope that doesn't stop you from continuing!”

“You write a lot about things and you're sure to upset someone but at least you're being honest and always try to resolve disagreements realistically. I'm sorry that you're crying and all but I hope you do feel better soon! It's gonna be your birthday after all ✌️”

“I don’t know if I clicked the right button. Sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really, really respect your work and to thank you, because you bring so much happiness to life of me and my other friends. Keep up with your good work and continue to share love for Kill La Kill and for t h e m. *salutes*”

“hey! heard you'd been getting shit lately from people deliberately seeking to misunderstand the work you've put into the KLK fandom over the years (doubt you'd remember me but i'm still [blurred for privacy] on AO3). even though i don't use tumblr anymore on a regular basis, of all the people i met and knew, even tangentially, in this fandom, you've always stuck out to me as one of the loveliest and most dedicated fans and my favorite meta writer, period. please keep it up!”

korra-n-stuff replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

can these anons please go away? you’re wonderful goop, dont change. These people just has sticks in their asses

fromtheriverbanks replied to your post “Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like…”

I love your analysis. I tend to agree with the stuff about Ryuko and Senketsu and think it’s a big part of what makes the show beautiful. If there were PhDs in Kill la Kill, you would deserve one.

#ramblings #shut up goop #goop makes a (kinda) personal post #the discourse #serious talk #a bit?#video #music #kill la kill #ish #tl;dr thank you everyone who has stuck with me #i'm sorry about being so dramatic #i have a really really really hard time getting over things but that's no excuse #i am going to try a lot harder to be better about all the bellyaching

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celestinaruns · 5 years

Photo

River’s Edge Ultra 2019: Drop Kit and Running Gear Prep

My second ultra is two days away and my running gear is packed! Everything else... less so. But hey, what else is new?

Tackling an 80 km trail race will, expectedly, be a whole different monster than my 50 km in June--and even in June, I felt foolish for not having a drop kit... especially after wading in mud pits for nearly an hour. Would have LOVED a change of shoes and socks, but back then I didn’t even own a second pair of trail runners.

Still, we live and we learn. My goals for this race have gotten a little less ambitious, what with battling a cold for the last week, but I still hope that it will be more of a success, considering I’ve actually trained on the right terrain this time. My entire taper week has been more of a pump-my-body-full-of-cold-meds-and-sleep than a slow and gradual recovery, but hopefully all of my training before it will be there to help me out on Saturday!

Anyways, the drop kit. I’ll do a post with all of my camping gear and food, likely after the race and my race debrief; however, for now, enjoy this little tidbit of my overpacking tendencies. Hopefully, if you’re planning on running a big race this will help you! Or if you have run a big race, I would love to hear on what you recommend I pack in addition (or just take out all together).

Without further ado...

The Hydration Pack

It’s the old edition of the Nathan VaporAiress in an XS (top left). Not fully organized at the moment, but here’s what I’m hoping to carry (top right; at least when I first leave the start/finish--I will be dropping off some of these things as the day progresses).

Running cap (Brooks Sherpa Hat)

Sunglasses (Goodr Iced By Yetis)

Squeeze bottles for Coca Cola, fit in the front sleeves

Energy bars and solid snacks (Chocolate Coconut Hammer Bar, Fruit-Smoothie Filled Clif Bar, PC Banana Bread Penguin Cookies)

Caffeinated chocolate

Very mini first aid kit (Desitin rash cream, waterproof bandages, spray polysporin--basically for things that definitely hurt a lot and can’t wait)

Wet wipes

Bug repellant towelletes

Hot and cold muscle gel (Perskindol--helps with persistent joint discomfort without numbing anything via topical painkillers)

Mini anti-chafing stick (Body Glide)

Ponytail flashlight

Reusable hydration station cup

2 headlamps (need one when I start since it will still be dark at 5 am, will drop them both off once it gets light out)

2 packs of energy chews (Honey Stinger Cherry Blossom and Cherry Cola)

3 energy gels (Hammer Gel Peanut Butter and Chocolate Hazelnut, GU Hoppy Trails)

Smushed up salt and vinegar chips

Not pictured: salt tablets, still have them in their bottle for the time being

I’ll probably be leaving my poles behind with my drop kit and not picking them up unless I’m feeling like I really need the extra help. Even then, my pack has loops for trekking poles and I’ll just keep them on there until I feel like using them!

The Drop Kit

This is pretty much... everything else. Replacement, replenishments, more first aid, et cetera. It’s a big box and I wish my boyfriend the best of luck in finding anything in there as I angrily demand it in the heat of my runner’s high. Oops.

I have tried to organize it, really. I swear I’m not evil. It’s just A Lot.

Spare trail runners (I will, hopefully, avoid changing into my Peregrines. I’m going to start in my newer pair of the Hoka Torrents [not pictured], then my older Torrents [above] if those get wet. The Peregrines give me some toe numbness with more distance.)

Spare socks (in a ziploc bag because I still don’t trust the forecast for this weekend)

Spare ziploc bags for my phone, salt chews, and chips

Spare running cap (Brooks Sherpa Hat)

Add-ons for my poles

Spare sunglasses (Goodr Whiskey Shots with Satan and Mick and Keith’s Midnight Ramble, the latter of which has been destroyed because I keep forgetting to put them in their little pouch thing)

Sandwiches (two flufflernutter, one PB&J, both on cinnamon raisin bread)

Electrolyte drinks (PC Tropical Punch Coconut Water Electrolyte Beverage)

2 L of (flat) Coca Cola

Salt and vinegar chips

Spare energy bars and solid snacks (Hammer Bars, Fruit Smoothie and Nut Butter Filled Clif Bars, PC Banana Bread Penguin Cookies)

Caffeinated chocolate

Spare energy chews (Honey Stinger Cherry Blossom and Cherry Cola)

Spare energy gels (Hammer Gel Peanut Butter and Chocolate Hazelnut, GU Hoppy Trails)

Hella bug spray

Hella sunscreen

Anti-chafing sticks (Sport Shield and Body Glide)

Mint Oreos (listen, everyone has their weird running food traditions, okay? mine are mint oreos.)

Hot and cold muscle cream (A535 Sport Warm-Up Cream, mostly for before I start)

One more headlamp and reflective bracelets

Ginger ale in case I get real sick

Homemade First Aid Kit (Gauze, foam tape, Advil, Aleve, Neopore tape, waterproof bandages, polysporin, Desitin rash cream, Voltaren, KT Tape, tweezers)

Extra hydration pack just in case

So, yes, in case you didn’t know I had an overpacking problem before, you definitely do now. Still, I feel that as long as you’re not crossing the line of packing so much you’re slowing yourself down, it’s always good to be prepared ahead of time! Aid and hydration stations will be a great help, but I prefer the comfort of having the exact same things I trained with at hand.

With two days to go, my running gear packed, and my cold nearly gone, the excitement is ramping up!

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externally-upset · 5 years

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1-100

Alright going all in I see. Let's do this

1. I mainly use Spotify

2. I try and keep it clean but somehow always winds up messy

3. I've got brown eyes

4. y'know I've got a really generic name but I do like it. Why, I have no idea

5. I'm currently single

6. Scatterbrained, happy, adventurous

7. I've got natural black hair

8. So I don't drive because it actually hurts my leg to drive. Also I can't sit still for longer than 5 minutes

9. I shop everywhere that has toys lmao. I'm a toy collector so I'll go anywhere that has em

10. I don't really have a style. I try and live my life as cozy as possible

11. I don't really have a favorite social media account

12. I have a full/queen size bed

13. I've got lots of siblings. In all, I've got 6 sisters and 2 brothers, but some are step family. I've got 1 bio sister and 1 bio brother, both younger than me.

14. I've been looking into moving to Washington recently, but I think I'd rather travel the world than settle down somewhere, for now at least

15. I don't use the filters myself so I can't speak on that

16. I don't use makeup so I don't have a fave brand to talk about

17. I shower everyday, I get really sweaty so I gotta

18. I don't have like a definite fave TV show. It varies from month to month. Although this summer it was Nisekoi, which is an excellent anime

19. I wear a size 11.5/12 shoe

20. I'm 5'11

21. I wear almost strictly sneakers

22. I don't go to the gym, I should though. I really should

23. Dream date would be to have one lol, um I guess to go up to the mountains together and star gaze or something to do with the mountains. I just enjoy being outside

24. Too much to count 💸💸 lmao jk I've got $60

25. Ain't wearing any but if someone came through right now, I'd put some black ones on

26. I had four, but my mom stole 2 of them

27. I was working in drywall for awhile but I hopped out of that and am currently applying to places. I specifically was a taper, so like when drywall is put up in the house, there are gaps between the pieces put up. I covered those gaps up, all over the house. It doesn't seem like a lot but when you've got 15-20 feet ceilings, it gets hard

28. I've got quite a lot of friends and I love them all

29. I've know I've done bad stuff that others remember me for but I can't think of anything

30. Oh man I loooooove lavender scented candles. Lavender scented anything is the best

31. I honestly can't think of any boy names that I like

32. 3 girl names: Sochi, Lavender, and Laurie, which is actually the name of one of my best friends

33. Anthony Hopkins is my favorite actor by far

34. Fave actress is definitely Meryl Streep, I fell in love with her when I first saw the Devil Wears Prada years ago and it just snowballed from there

35. My celeb crush is either Bonnie Wright or Jessica Keenan Wynn

36. Fave movie has gotta be The Great Mouse Detective

37. I used to read a lot, not so much anymore. Of everything I've read though, Christine by Stephen King has been my favorite read

38. Everyone wants to say brains are more important and they are, but unfortunately in the world we live in money rules over all

39. I used to be called Chancho but not any more

40. I've been to the hospital more times than I'd like to think. I had a heart condition that flared up in high school so I spent a lot of time at the hospital. I'm still not even sure what it was and am sure the doctors made it up to take my money

41. TOP TEN SONGS:

Beauty and the Beast - Angela Lansbury

Beauty and the Beast - Celine Dion, Peabo Bryson

Higher - Creed

Eres Mi Droga - Intocable

Crossing Field - LiSA

Don't Blink - Kenny Chesney

Junkhead - Alice In Chains

Your Decision - Alice In Chains

Losing A Whole Year - Third Eye Blind

Forever Halloween - The Maine

42. Nah, no meds for me

43. I think I have an oily skin type

44. Biggest fear is leaving those I love behind when I pass along to the next life

45. I don't know how many kids I want

46. I always have my hair either in a bun or braided

47. I live in a medium sized family home

48. My grandma has been and always will be my role model

49. It was being told how wise I am

50. Last text I sent was to my homeboy, telling him "this school shit is wack"

51. I was 6 years old when I found out Santa wasn't real

52. A nice Truck is my dream car or maybe a souped up Subaru, with an anime wrap for shits and gigs

53. I'm cool with smoking weed, but no cigarettes and only smoke outside, don't need my stuff to smell

54. Yeah, I'm here in college, but I don't like it

55. Rural areas by far. I've always wanted my own farm

56. I wanna be a high school history teacher and that requires a degree, so that's why I'm in college

57. I don't like the shampoo and conditioner from hotels, don't like the way they feel. That being said, yes I'll take them

58. I've got freckles but you can barely see them unless were face to face

59. Yes and no. It really depends on my mood. I try to take more smiling pictures now

60. I've got quite a few, mostly memes though

61. Of course I've peed in the woods, with the amount of times I've been hiking and camping with no bathroom in site, you gotta

62. I watch almost strictly cartoons, if we're being completely honest

63. Chicken nuggets smack, no matter where they're from

64. If it calls for it, honey. If not, then sweet and sour sauce

65. Alright, so it depends where I'm at. If I'm home alone, just my underwear. If there are people here, shorts. If I'm at someone else's house, I wear whatever I have on

66. Never participated in a spelling bee in my life

67. My hobby is collecting. I've been collecting things since I was a kid. I've switched between many things in my life. I've gone from Wrestling figures, to sports cards, to vinyl records, to Funko Pops. I actually collect a little of everything I've mentioned now

68. I can't draw for shit

69. I don't play any instruments, although I've tried learning how to play the Ukulele

70. Last concert was seeing Four Year Strong and Seaway like 2 years ago

71. I prefer tea over coffee

72. I guess Starbucks as I've never had Dunkin before

73. Marriage sounds nice, but I don't need to. Like if I'm dating someone and they said they don't wanna get married, I wouldn't have a problem with it. As long as we're in love, that's all that matters

74. Aha, I'm not answering this one

75. If ever I get married, I don't know what the last name situation is gonna be

76. Burgundy and blue look absolutely fantastic on me

77. Yeah there are a few people I miss

78. I always sleep with my door closed and my closets too

79. I belive in ghosts, although I prefer to call them spirits. Used to see them frequently as a child, still do sometimes

80. Biggest pet peeve is when people try to tell me what to do. Not like suggestions but actually tell me what to do. Irritates me to no end

81. Last person I called I think was my Dad, but that's because I couldn't find him in the store

82. Black Cherry Vanilla is the best but no one sells it anywhere

83. Golden Oreos are pretty damn good so I'll go with those

84. If I have to choose, probably rainbow sprinkles

85. Just a plain white tank top

86. My phone background is a picture of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys saying "Man, maybe I am gay."

87. I can be outgoing, it kinda takes a bit for me to open up though

88. I fucking love when people play with my hair

89. My neighbors across the street are very nice, but next door neighbor is a dick, always judging shit

90. I usually wash my face in the mornings

91. I used to get high a lot, not so much anymore, although I'd really like for that to change

92. I spent a good portion of this year drunk, so that's a problem. I actually only started drinking when I turned 21 last September. Never been hungover either, so I've been blessed

93. Last thing I ate was some chips

94. "Thank you to the miracle that we are able to meet in a dirty and ugly world, even like this" My Song - Girl Dead Monster. This is from Angel Beats and these are rough English translations

95. I prefer winter over summer, but spring is my fave season

96. I love night time, always will

97. I will always pick dark chocolate over all other chocolates

98. September is my favorite month, not because it's my birth month, but it's the one month where everything feels right

99. I'm a Virgo

100. Last person I cried in front of was my homeboy Mason, albeit I was drunk as fuck and don't remember it but he does. Says I scared him

Goddamn that took forever, but I did get over being bored, so bless you Anon

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aspergersissues · 6 years

Text

RLS

Time for a blog post on this. Medical stuff incoming.

I’ve had Restless Leg Syndrome as far back as I can remember. The earliest time it effected me, I think I was 13. I told my mom and she acted like I was making it up. My bio dad had it too and would have believed me if I’d been raised with him. Still, it came up pretty rarely when I was younger. Maybe once a month or so, and it would nag me for an hour or two, then stop. It was like this until my early 30s.

After my big surgery in Chicago, it got much worse. I don’t know if it’s because I became less active due to recovery, or loss of iron levels from blood loss, but things progressed to happening every night and they never went back. My GP started me on a medication called Rhopinerole and it worked well. After about two years, I developed a tolerance and we doubled the dose with a new doctor. It was about 18 months after that, that it stopped working around 3 hours before I woke up, causing me to wake up early from shocking sensations in my feet. I went online to see if this med had issues with tolerance and I was greeted by a horrific surprise: Rhopinerole interacts with three meds I was taking. The side effect of that interaction was extreme nausea and vomiting.

The whole time I was taking Rhopinerole, I was dealing with nausea. Some nights it was horrific, keeping me up for hours. After a while, I began throwing up. I chalked it up to food poisoning. I stopped eating foods I liked because they often made me sick. Some nights, I wouldn’t eat for six hours before bed, then I’d still throw up my last meal, looking like it hadn’t even been digested. It was terrifying. It got worse and worse. I had to start taking Prilosec for acid reflux because i couldn’t lay down without my throat burning. One night, the vomiting got so bad that I thought I’d had a heart attack— I was cold, but dripping sweat so bad it looked like I’d jumped out of a pool; I had a heart beat that set off the alarm on my watch (160bpm); and I started projectile vomiting. I brought this up to my doctors many times and no one knew what was up. I was supposed to get my heart checked, but it got delayed for 10 months. It just came back fine, finally. I still need a stomach scope, but they wouldn’t do it without the heart check. My GP put me on omaprazole, the prescription med for extreme nausea. That one also interacts with Rhopinerole and, while it kept me from throwing up, it made the nausea even more intense. If I hadn’t found that interaction information by dumb luck, I’d still be dealing with this.

I had to taper off Rhopinerole for a week. As I did, the symptoms of my RLS came back with a fury, like they were upset I suppressed them for so long and they had to make up for lost time. All night for two weeks, I had intense electric shocks every 30-45 seconds in the soles of my feet, so bad that every muscle in my leg would tense at once. Every morning, it felt like I had run a marathon. Even after the withdrawal, it became obvious I needed a new option. While the shocks got less severe, they were still happening every night.

I tried non-medical options while waiting in new medication ones. I tried iron supplements until my poop turned grey. No luck. I tried exercise. It got to the point I was riding my exercise bike for more than an hour just before bed. No luck. I tried going to bed earlier. It worked once. I tried keeping a regular schedule. No luck. I need medication, it seems.

There are five medications that work for RLS and Parkinson’s (they’re related). The first was out, now.

Gabapentin and Lyrica are in the same family. I had tried them for my wrist pain a decade back. They fuck with my brain. They slow my processing speed and destroy my short term memory. The first time I took them, I was in my first semester of college. I described the side effect as, “I can’t do math on these.” Still, I tried them both again. These account for why I spent a good amount of time very forgetful and probably shouldn’t have been driving. The gabapentin worked for my RLS, but I couldn’t think. Lyrica didn’t work at all AND had that side effect. These are ruled out. I don’t know how long I was on them because they fucked with my memory so badly.

It took a week to get this med, but my doctor wanted to try Neupro patches. The idea was that the patch bypasses my stomach, so maybe it wouldn’t cause nausea. I tried it for the first time last night. I put the patch on at 8pm. By 8:45, I was feeling a bit queasy. Rachel said it was in my head, so I tried to ignore it. When I laid down for bed, my legs were silent. I felt like I was finally going to get a good night of sleep. I was wrong. Once I laid down, I started getting bad acid reflux. I got up and took a Tums. After 30 more minutes of laying down, I started to feel like I may throw up. I took one of my emergency omaprazole, then sat in front of the toilet for two hours. I then felt a bit better, but came downstairs for a Prilosec for the reflux that was now bad even when vertical. I was laid down for 20 more minutes before I ended up spending the next 2 hours in front of the toilet. I never barfed, but I came very close. I took the patch off at 1:30am and was still nauseated and awake through 7am. I finally got to sleep around then, but when the nausea left, the RLS came back. I thought that even with the suffering, at least I’d get to sleep at the end. I was wrong. I slept in 30 minute bursts until noon, when I finally gave up.

That’s four of the five medical options all down. There’s one medication left. I left my GP a message last night and am waiting to hear back still. I don’t know what to do if this doesn’t work. I’m not sleeping well at all, and this condition just gets progressively worse as you age.

This is really heavy on me right now and I’m having trouble handling it. I dunno what to do now.

#autism #aspie #aspergers #asd #autistic #disability #actually autistic #actuallyautistic #rls #restless leg syndrome #medication #medicine #side effects

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flatstarcarcosa · 3 years

Text

sorry but thinking about how zaeed and i always gloss over the whole 'he locked me in his bathroom for an improv detox' thing with everyone and how it's always fucking funny, from our POV, but always for a new reason bc different people ALWAYS react differently depending on how they view literally everything about the entire situation.

but also consider:

doctor chakwas

when he comes back that one day after a mission on the normandy and finds that i've slid into detox because my implant is overdue for replacement. i'm literally sitting in the shower in my underwear because i kept getting hot flashes and not knowing why, among all the other shit that comes with it, and eventually just got as far as halfway naked for a shower before i just ran out of energy and shit.

i'm not doing great, and it's not UNTIL he thinks 'reese is having detox symptoms in a bathroom again this is familiar' that he realizes that oh, that's what that fucking intermittent beeping on his equipment has been the past few days. it was the goddamn reminder from the implant that it was coming due.

he fucking configured it because he knows i always forget and usually the alarm reminds him, but with shepard picking him to go in the field he just, for the first time EVER, missed it.

like, i'm very much sick because all but a couple of my regular, non-junkie type meds are still ones you can get dependent on. a lot of anti depressants can cause HORRIBLE withdrawal/detox if you're removed suddenly without a taper.

so he just scoops me up in a couple towels and takes me over to chakwas all fucking soggy and shit, and she too wonders why if i'd already been feeling so fucking shitty for a couple days, i didn't come see her, and by this point zaeed's just taken over answering for me, and he comments about how i dislike doctors intensely, to put it mildly.

chakwas isn't able to replace my implant, it's a legal device that was acquired illegally and as such the normandy doesn't have the tools to replace it since no one on the expected crew list has anything similar. she does, however, have most of the meds it regulates, and is able to give me a few extra things to help with the additional symptoms until the next time we can dock and actually fix my implant.

zaeed elects to let me sleep it off in the med bay, and comments later when he comes back after getting himself a shower and some food that well hey, it's not like it's the first time i've detoxed in a bathroom.

"what in god's name does that mean?" chakwas asks.

"most of those meds that implant shits out is either managing their incurable insanity or their addictive tendencies," he says. he tells her how, a few days after we met, i ruined the mood by suddenly spouting "ah fuck i'm ODing again" mid sentence before i dropped to the floor.

"they're goddamn lucky i'm good at math and put again together with them croaking out 'bag'," he adds. after all, if anything useful came out of my time with Rust it was to always have an emergency OD kit on hand.

it was in with the rest of my crap, and it was while digging through my shit to find it that zaeed also found just how many different fucking drugs i had on me.

"that is lucky," chakwas agrees. "those kinds of things can keep someone alive until they get to the hospital, and have for centuries."

"right," says zaeed, crossing his arms. "i...didn't do that."

"...what did you do?"

"packed up their shit to toss them out, then sat and thought about it for a bit, then i tossed them and their shit in my bloody bathroom and dried 'em out."

chakwas says nothing, and blinks at him.

"you did what?!"

"it worked out, didn't it?"

"you could have killed them! do you know how it easy it is to kill someone by withdrawing them improperly?!"

"i know the first three days had me wishing it was a lot easier!"

"good god, massani!"

after that, karin kicks him out of the med bay and refuses to let him back in until i'm awake. she gets that it was...an unusual situation, she can allow him that, and it's not that she suddenly doesn't trust him around me or in general but, still.

it was a horrible twisting of 'medical care', and if he knew enough to get me through the initial overdose and get me stable, he damn sure knew enough to also get me proper care after. if he wanted or decided on a whim to be responsible for me, he should have done it all the way and done it correctly.

as a doctor, and as me temporarily under her care as her patient, she just doesn't want to hear anything else, or any other excuses, about it.

she also takes the time to double check the readings from my implant and the medications and dosages, just in case. it's not as if either of us gave her a full medical history, but the implant has enough information for educated guessing and a second look.

she does not, however, foresee the way i panic when i wake up 18 hours later and find myself alone in the med bay without zaeed, and he can't resist a smug "i goddamn told you so" when she has to concede and let him back in before i'll allow anything else to be done.

"my best guess, you were about 30 seconds away from seeing what i meant about them clawing at the door," he adds.

"my opinion isn't changing," chakwas says sternly. "you're a smart enough man to have known better."

i roll my eyes.

"you told her about my bathroom sabbatical when we met, didn't you?"

"what? she asked!"

"and i simply told him he could get the hell out of my med bay," she says, crossing her arms.

"you realize that's been like...8 years ago now, right?" i ask. "seems like a weird hill to die on, doc."

"it's a perfectly normal hill, from my perspective," she says. "i understand neither of you are bothered and it seems fine, but the kind of damage that can be done during an improper detox, even if it isn't fatal, can still be immense. for all we know the medications you need now can be as a result of complications from that that are just getting misdiagnosed as your previously untreated mental illness."

zaeed and i do swap a glance, and we each do file that away, somewhere. mentally. for later.

if we both have one.

shepard's mission isn't done, which mean zaeed's contract isn't done, and there was no guarantee he'd be around to spend those credits cerberus paid him.

"naaaaaaaaaaaah," i say instead, "i was always fucking crazy. sane people don't end up junkies, doc."

"that's not how addiction works," chakwas starts to say-

"i've never met a sane addict in my life," i say, hopping off the exam table. "and i bet i've known more addicts in person than you have in theory, doc."

i stress the word, bat my eyelashes, and give her a grin that clearly says we're dropping this now and i'm trying to be polite. she catches the message, clears her throat.

"regardless, thank you," i add. "i finessed this implant back on illium ages ago because it makes it easier for my meds, but i can lose track of when it's coming due for replacement. i normally have pill forms of all those meds on me for when i forget, but with this mission coming up so fast, they got overlooked."

"you're welcome," says chakwas. "and please, as long as you're both still part of this crew, if you're feeling unwell just come by. it's why i'm here."

"don't mind if i don't," i drawl in a sing-songy tone. the med bay door beeps open, and the smell of stew coming from the kitchen draws me over. zaeed pauses at the door, considers something for a moment and then sighs, turning back towards her.

"it's nothing personal, you know," he says. karin turns in her chair.

"you think i'm so thin skinned i take it personally whenever someone doesn't like doctors?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"i think any good doctor would take it personally if someone feels safer with me giving them medical care," he says. her eyebrow lowers, and her face softens for a moment. "and you are. a good doctor, that is."

the door beeps shut behind him, and she watches through the window as he yells across the crew deck. chef gardner says something in response, and whatever exchange the two men have causes me to begin scooping as much beef stew into my mouth as i can before zaeed can reach me and pry the bowl out of my hands.

doctor chakwas remembers then that chef gardner makes his beef stew with a special wheat flour and beef bullion powder combination as flavoring and thickener, and she says nothing 6 hours later when i slink back into the med bay and ask for something for gas and nausea relief.

#txt.txt #ship: stubborn goddamn jackasses #drugs tw #this is another rambly half headcanon half prose thing but ghghghg #chakwas be like: zaeed what would possess you to think that was an appropriate way to treat them?#also chakwas after dealing with me first hand: nvm bro u got it

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