#it’s been a slow process but I’m learning to appreciate myself for it

[explode-this]

Argh, we had a *little* bit of grass growth—it looks all pretty and green—and rental management has fuckers on ride-on mowers out there just shaving it down to nothing. Not only can I not hear myself think, it’s just going to look like wasteland out there again for the next few weeks. I can’t wait to have a house someday and let the grass grow as shaggy as I want (if only houses in this town weren’t going for like, third to half a million dollars, thanks houseflippers, investment property owners, and realtors. Finally got to a place in life where a house might be affordable AND I’m finally coming to terms with homemaker life and I’ll probably be renting forever anyway)

[taro-pdf]

Humans are Space Oddities: Foster Human

When humans went to space, they expected themselves to be one of the more advanced species, only to find that space was already very populated. To less advanced, they were predators, and to more advanced, savages. Space is vast, and eventually some humans were kept as novelties.

Guang was excited to foster a human. After all, it had read about how humans would fight anything, eat anything, and survive anything. And though Guang was not strong, it’s partner, Hei, was, and would keep it safe.

The human arrived disgruntled, but Guang was not perturbed. It had heard of their pack-bonding abilities, and was ready to be patient and gentle. It even made sure to pick one that knew the Universal Interplanetary Language, so they didn’t need to wait for translators to work. Guang moved and spoke slowly; they didn’t need anything to slow the communication process more. It bent down to eye level.

“Hello. My name is Guang, it/its, a light alien. I process slowly, so don’t speak too fast. I am glad that you arrived safely. You are called Fern, she/her, human, correct?”

The human flapped her hands, nervous, or maybe excited. “Human, correct?” she repeated, then spouted out, “Hei is a powerful space fae that was born on earth but left as its magic grew," she inhaled, obviously making an effort to slow her speech. Guang blinked. It appreciated her effort, but why was she telling it about its own partner? The human continued, “this is common for fae. Did you know space fae are understudied due to the fact that they are extremely powerful and hard to approach? It’s theorized their power comes from dark matter.”

“Right,” Guang replied, “well-”

“Light aliens are a species often used for service for the ultra wealthy,” the human interrupted. “They are treated as living lamps due to their ability to produce both bioluminescent and electrical light extremely efficiently, as well as their ability to stay still for long periods of time.” 

Humans did like to talk, but Guang was unsure if this is what they usually talked about. 

“That’s correct,” it replied. It sat down and held out its hand, which the human grabbed and studied. “I was also on a ship from hatching until Hei approached me and I was given to it as a gift. But it treated me as a being, and I learned to think of myself as a being as well.”

“I’m a being as well,” the human said, dropping Guang’s hand and turning to the door. Guang followed their line of sight to see Hei walking in. It had taken a smaller, humanoid form, as Guang had asked it to.

“Hello Fern,” it said, speaking its native tongue.

“Hello Fern,” Fern repeated in the same language, approaching Hei. It squinted at her.

“Pardon me, do you understand what I am saying?” it asked. The human didn’t reply. She gazed at Hei’s translucent wings, and it turned so she could touch them.

“She’s been repeating what I say as well,” Guang explained.

“Call the agency and ask. The human should have been told how to introduce itself.” Hei handed Guang a communicator. The human mumbled something about aerodynamics.

“In the broader universe, convergent evolution meant that wings…” Fern started to explain.

With the human telling bits of information in the background, Guang called the agency. It was referred to a specialist that told it that human neurology varied greatly. The human’s behavior was not worrisome, but it may socialize differently than typical humans. If that’s a problem, it could be returned. Guang assured them it was not a problem.

At the end of the fostering period, Hei and Guang had learned much about their visitor. They learned to avoid certain textures, loud noises, and flashing lights. They learned that the human could tell them about almost any alien they wished. They learned that not every human would fight anything, and definitely wouldn’t eat anything. 

“Fern,” Guang’s chest had been feeling tighter and tighter as the day to return her grew closer, “I was wondering if you would like to stay?”

Fern was outside tending to the various lower species that she had befriended during her time on Hei’s planet. She didn’t turn toward Guang, but she did repeat its words.

“Like to stay.”

“Right,” Guang agreed, “I don’t want to treat you as a belonging to borrow and return. Being once one myself, and knowing you so well… I want you to stay”

“Humans have a rich history on their planet. They fought each other in countless wars. Some wars were for resources, others were for freedom.”

“I didn’t know that.” Guang was silent for a bit.

“Humans want freedom. It’s in their DNA. I’d like to stay.” Fern smiled, and Guang smiled back. Humans were ferocious, tenacious, and violent, but they were also gentle. Fern was proof of that.

[countrymusiclover]

10 - A Special First Date

Part 11

Dr. Redheaded Neighbor

Comment your thoughts down below or in a reblog post

Tag list - send an ask to be added @annieradcliff @watermeezer @zaidatorcuatomorgado @kmc1989

Getting out of the Uber car I walked inside the firehouse 51 small door since the larger vehicle doors were shut most likely until they received a call for an emergency they needed to attend to. Seeing the back doors of the ambulance were hung opened and I saw some familiar blonde hair moving around. “Sylvie Brett!”

“Yeah that’s me. Can I help you – Mallory, what are you doing here?” She glanced over her shoulder sending me a huge friendly grin on her face.

I stopped walking when I was standing outside the doors with a hand on my hip. I was wearing my old Army jacket that I hadn’t felt like wearing after the day I returned home. “I have a few hours before Will comes and picks me up, so I figured I’d come and hang with you. “

“Awe that’s cool. Although I gotta say that today has been pretty slow. But I do have some good news for you. My boss told me when you come into his office he has an application available for you at the ready.”

“How about right now. I’m free for a little bit.” I suggested hopefully.

She nodded gesturing her head toward an office door. We walked inside the building turning a few corners until we stood outside an office that read Chief on the door. “Chief Boden, I’d like to introduce Mallory Easton. She’s the former Army k-9 officer I have been telling you about.” She lead me inside where I saw a tall black man wearing a white shirt sitting in a desk chair.

“It’s nice to meet you, chief Boden.” I extended my hand to the man causing him to rise from his chair.

He shakes my hand firmly. “Nice to meet you, Ms. Easton. Brett has told me quite about what you did in your friends building. You saved her life.”

“I wasn’t sure if the clot would hold. I just remember seeing some pretty bad wounds when I was deployed. Just followed my basic instincts.” I shrugged my shoulders in response.

“Well, it was very impressive. And that is one of the reasons I am considering hiring you to be on my team.”

I shake my head still making point that he needed to understand regardless if they both wanted me to work here in this fire department. “I appreciate the opportunity. Truly I do. But I don’t have the experience of a paramedic or a firefighter. I know I can take the course to learn but would you mind that I’d be having to learn everything and be on the team at the same time.”

“If you’re considering taking the job you can start taking the courses now. Once you’ve gotten through them you’ll have a job waiting here in a few months.” He explained leaning his back against his desk. “The fact that you are a former Army vet will boost your credibility to get through the programs.”

I parted my mouth open processing if I took the opportunity or not. In all honesty I was spending most of the time when Will was at work by myself. Maxon’s company could only do so much considering he couldn’t talk back. Being in this department would be a good distraction and I could help people that I couldn’t necessarily do when I was deployed overseas. “Fill out the application information for paramedic training and I’ll be seeing you soon.”

“Thank you so much, Chief Boden.” I smiled shaking his hand again before Brett and I exited his office and back outside to the trucks.

Brett paused in her steps hugging me before saying a word back. “I can’t believe you’re going to be working here.”

“Woah slow down, Brett. I’m not anywhere near completely getting the job yet.”

She breaks the hug and I sent her a smile. “I’m just excited for you is all. I’m not worried about you getting to work here. You’ll do fine given the injuries and situations you’ve been through.”

“Thanks for having high confidence in me.” I responded before a car horn started going off and I saw a familiar black car driving up to the open double doors. I knew I recognized the vehicle but wasn’t entirely sure till the driver door opened and auburn hair came into my view with that cheeky grin. “Will!”

He shut the door coming over to us. “Mal. Sylvie.”

“What are you doing here. I thought you didn’t get off work until 5. It’s 3:50.”

He shoved his hands in the jacket he wore over his red hospital scrubs. “Natalie agreed she’d take on the rest of my shift for me. Plus I knew I wanted to surprise you.”

“Awe.”

Brett chimed in. “Hey if you need somebody to watch your dog for the evening I’d totally be open for it.”

“That would be great. Thanks, Sylvie.” I hugged her back too as a thank you.

Will held out his hand for me knowing we both needed to change clothes before going on our first date tonight. “Are you ready to go then, Mallory?”

“Yep.” Placing my hand in his we started walking back to the car. “We’ll drop Maxon off here!”

Sylvie grinned calling back to us. “Treat my girl right, Dr. Halstead!” She watched us drive away from the firehouse feeling excited just like the both of us were about the upcoming evening.

5:30 rolled around by the time we had gotten back to our apartment building and changed clothes. I had slipped on some black leggings underneath a short orange shirt that fell almost down to my knees. Will was in some jeans, a green short sleeve shirt with a black jacket thrown over it.

“So where are actually going now. You haven’t told me a single thing about the plans.” I asked as we made the drive further into downtown once we had left Maxon with Sylvie.

Will had one hand on the steering wheel when he glanced over at me in the passenger seat. “If I told you what we were doing it would ruin the surprise.”

“You are terrible at keeping secrets around me.”

He scoffed with a chuckle. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mallory.”

“The first night Maxon and I spent in your apartment you attempted to blame Maxon for eating the last of the Oreo’s even though dogs can’t have chocolate.” I sent him a glare knowing I was right. “When in reality you felt guilty that you did it and fessed up telling me the truth two seconds later.”

He rolled his eyes recalling the moment. “That is completely different. This time I want this to be a surprise so you’ll just have to wait.”

The drive didn’t last too much longer before he parked the car outside of a restaurant I hadn’t been to before. He came around helping me out of the car so we walked inside arms linked with one another. The hostess led us to the nearest booth where we sat across from each other. “The waitress should be with you shortly.”

“I can’t believe you brought me here. I wasn’t expecting you taking me someplace like this. I thought you’d be taking me to Molly’s for drinks and dinner.” I chuckled picking up the menu seeing that they had pretty much everything on there you could think of getting.

Will picked up his own menu looking it over. “We can go to Molly’s another time if you want. But I’d thought since this is our first official date it should be something a little more special.”

“What can I get you two to drink tonight?” The waitress with her brown hair tied up in a bun while carrying a notepad in her hands.

Will and I responded at the same time. “Angry Orchard.” I snorted a laugh out seeing a huge grin get plastered across his face.

“Okay, I’ll be back to take your orders.” The waitress slowly walked away with her eyes lingering on my best friend and I watched her sway her hips back and forth trying to seduce him making me gag at the thought.

Focusing back on the menu I saw that they had a Mac and cheeseburger that sounds pretty good. I knew we were at a somewhat fancy restaurant but they still had it listed on the menu so I should give it a try. “What are you gonna get, Will?”

“I’m not really that picky. We can split something if you wanted to.”

The waitress came back taking out a pen. “What can I get you tonight?”

“I’ll have a Mac and cheeseburger with fries. Oh uh – were gonna share that.” I handed her back the menu and she scribbled something down walking away. She came back a few minutes with two plates in her hands sitting it down in front of me.

Will cut the burger in half and we both silently ate. I take a few more bites before I saw some of the cheese coming out from under the bun and the next thing I felt was Will’s hand brushing against the tip of my nose. “You got something right there, Mal. There you go I’ve got it.”

“I guess you can’t take me anywhere, Halstead.” I chuckled watching him lick the cheese off his thumb.

We finished eating the burger and fries with him paying the bill where I thought we were about to go home for the evening yet that wasn’t accurate. We drove for a few minutes until I recognized the parking lot and building we were pulling up to. “Will, why are we at the hospital?” I asked shifting around in the passenger seat.

“I wanna show you something and don’t worry I’m allowed to take visitors in.” He unbuckled his seatbelt getting out first and I followed him towards the front sliding doors of the hospital emergency room.

We walked into the building going directly to the elevators. He hit the button that said up and then the one that was labeled roof. I kept trying to figure out what he was wanting to show me that was up there. The elevator doors slid open where I started to step out yet he covered my eyes with his hands causing me to laugh. “Will Halstead, what are you doing. If you want me to see whatever is up here, you gotta remove your hands.”

“You’ll see what I want to show you in a second.” He responded slowly walking the both of us forward out of the elevator.

I chuckled holding my hands out feeling my fingers touch the edge of a metal railing. “Don’t you dare let me fall over the edge of this thing.”

“I’d never let that happen. Now open your eyes in three, two, one.” He lowered his hands where I blinked my eyes a couple of times seeing all the building lights at the ground. From how high we were off the ground everything looked so small from here.

I dropped my mouth open twirling around on my feet seeing my best friend flashing me a huge grin on his face. “This is amazing. I’ve never seen the city from this high above before from the time I have been living here.”

“I’m glad you like it, Mallory. My boss pointed out to me that you could see the whole city from up here and maybe share some drinks. Like I told you earlier I really wanted this to be super special cause you’re special to me, Mallory Easton.” Will closed the gap pressing our chests together wrapping his arms around my waist, nuzzling his nose down onto mine.

I giggled nuzzling my nose back with his own, wrapping my arms around his neck. “You sure know how to show a girl a good time. And you’re special to me too.” Leaning up on my toes I captured his lips with mine, threading my right hand into his ginger curls. He leans closer deepening the kiss enjoying the moment.

Unknown to us my phone was vibrating in my purse that he had set down on the table near where we were standing. The caller was someone I wasn’t expecting to hear from since I had returned home.

[professorspork]

I hope this doesn’t come across as like a pushy “update pls” I promise that’s not how I mean it. I’m curious at what point you feel like a multi-chapter fic is ready to post? Do you write it in its entirety and then edit chapters in between updates, write and edit it in its entirety, write most of it and continue writing the rest between updates? I’m very curious about your process since you’ve been writing some monster word count fics

I really appreciate you asking!

The short version is that I've learned over time that what works best for me is completing a work in its entirety before I start posting; above all I like posting on a reliable schedule for my audience, and I simply do not write quickly enough (or coherently enough) to do that any other way. There are a lot of reasons for that and I WILL ELABORATE ON THEM AT LENGTH:

I have several multi-chapter WIPs from the Glee days-- when I was in college-- that I never finished because I'm a delicate hothouse flower when it comes to maintaining hyperfocus, and I found a new fandom to be in before I could complete them. Back then especially, I was much less disciplined about writing sequentially: I would write parts of the story wildly out of order, focusing on whatever interested me most at the time. That means my hard drive is a graveyard of unpublished content, which sucks-- not only did I never give my audience the resolutions they were looking for, but I never got to receive feedback on parts of the story I was really proud of. I found that really dispiriting.

Going to grad school for screenwriting really helped me focus on telling a story in order, because there is literally no other way to write a screenplay than one scene at a time; it's far too reliant on momentum and consistency to jump ahead to "the good bits" and come back. I also did several projects-- writing my multi-chap Frozen&Tangled polyamory epic for a friend's birthday; pre-writing all my 2015 Cartinelli Week one shots far in advance so I knew they'd be perfect come posting day-- where I had a deadline I wanted everything Done By, which got me in the habit of writing to completion before posting. It wasn't something I thought I was going to be capable of because I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn, I need applause to live feedback is incredibly motivating to me, but having the ability to go back and change things in chapter 2 if I realized they weren't adequately setting up what I wanted to do in chapter 5, or whatever, proved to be just as powerful a motivator in a different way-- it meant I could tell the stories RIGHT, if I took my time with them. I also learned to get at least one cheerleader I could leak snippets to as I went, so that I still got the dopamine hit of the feedback even though I'm ages away from posting for real.

I also found that, as a reader, I always really appreciated when authors could stick to an update schedule so I could look forward to new chapters like I would episodes of television. It's not a standard I expect from anyone, but it is something that makes me really happy-- and the two ways to do it are to either write fast enough that you're just constantly churning out new content (not an option for me, especially on the occasions when I'm actually employed and can only write on weekends) or to pre-write and then slow release. it gives me a feeling of... mastery, I guess? Like "hey everyone here's a gift I'm giving you," as opposed to writing and updating when I can, which makes me feel like I'm always chasing something (BEING chased by something?) and risking losing my audience/my own fickle concentration if I were to wait too long.

My "ONLY post after everything is done" rule is a new one, because I burned myself on rely on certain certainties, the last D/s epic I wrote (lmao can you tell this topic interests me). I worked on that for a year and was 132k in with no end in sight when I started posting, but I was part of a Kristanna discord at the time, and I wanted to seize the audience I had before it disappeared-- which is always the danger of movie fandoms, which never have as much staying power. I had hoped that because I had such a big buffer I could keep writing ahead of the updates as they came up from behind, but I tapped out at 172k when I finished the end of an arc. That kills me, because I have SO MUCH unreleased content for that story which will never see the light of day, because-- again-- I'd let temptation win and wrote ahead to The Juicy Bits instead of forcing myself to go in order.

So, two things I've learned:

Only ever outlining the juicy bits that come late in the game, instead of lovingly finessing their every word, is a great way to trick motivate myself into continuing to write in order so that I can GET to the juicy bits, full stop; if I don't exorcise them they keep haunting me and that helps me stick it out until the end

By holding stories back until they're complete, I give myself the ability to complete them because I'm able to dig myself out of holes I've written myself into. In the old days, if I got stuck because I realized the real root of my issue had come chapters earlier and that's why it's not working now, I'd just... be stuck at that wall, unable to move forward, and that would be that. The idea of going back and editing a published story for narrative content is mortifying to me and something I personally could never do, so-- this way I'm giving myself more tools and options, so that I can tell the story I want to tell and tell it right.

In terms of my actual process, I tend to work like this: my most productive time is when my ADHD meds are at full power, so in an ideal world I am writing new content from like 10am to 3pm or so, getting as far as I can in New Content. Evenings, when I'm no longer in Hyperfocus Productivity Mode, I'll go back and reread things-- sometimes chapters from much earlier-- both to entertain myself and to make edits and changes. Often, that's just moving words around here and there for cadence and flow; rarely, it's adding whole new moments or thoughts to the chapters. I try to write In Order as much as possible, getting chapters beta'd as they're completed. I'm a nitpicky perfectionist, so keeping a hold on my early chapters until everything is posted means I can change them over and over and over again without anyone knowing but me, which I love-- and those changes are getting made right down to the wire. even when the fic is "complete" and I'm "only posting" I'm still making edits; some of people's absolute favorite parts of Newsbees were added literally the night before, when it was the "get everything into AO3 and do the final pass for typos and formatting" stage. Like, Penny writing sudokus on the fly for Ruby at the hospital? Ruby thinking in Adam Font? Those were 11th hour strokes of genius.

So yeah-- that's a very long-winded way of saying that I've found writing to completion first not only makes me more likely to actually finish my WIPs, but it makes my WIPs BETTER because it gives me far, far more time with them. I know it's not something that works for everyone, but in terms of my own sense of like, duty and responsibility and goal-setting, it keeps me on track without risking Guilt completely paralyzing me-- which is what happens when I post as I go and then get interrupted.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY RAMBLE.

[anoctoberpepper]

So a quick update: Over these next two months I’m going to be putting effort into original fiction so my AO3 posting will likely be slowing down. Disappearing off the face of the planet is pretty normal for me (I’m a chronic Discord ghoster 😭), but I will do my best to stay active here.

Please continue to hit me up with any of your favorite DnDads headcanons and ideas! I still definitely want to talk and write in this fandom! 

Sappy love under the cut. TL;DR I’m insane and you all have made me feel seen. 

So I’ve had a weird five years, the middle of which involved being hospitalized for the first (and god willing only) time, for mental health issues. I had a major depressive disorder that turned into a late in life diagnosis of “Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type with mixed features” (I was actively delusional for 8 months, fun times). I have frilly diagnoses around that including generalized anxiety disorder, and an unspecified personality disorder. I say this because I don’t get to say it all that often. In my day-to-day life I have to keep that part of me tucked away so deep down that bringing it out to see the light of day hurts. Even though it’s a big part of how I relate to the world and it genuinely affects every day of my life. 

My closest friends barely understand my diagnosis. It’s hard to talk about. I either feel embarrassed or I’m worried that giving details will make people uncomfortable. Or maybe they’ll pity me, or worse they might not trust me anymore. Schizophrenia and Bipolar have hefty stigmas. So I don’t talk about it in any detail. 

But I need to talk about it. 

I was reading an original fiction piece I wrote before my diagnosis and realized that the main character, who was under the thrall of some violent magic at the time, was feeling exactly like how I would describe mixed mania now. It told me two things, 1) I was feeling horrible for a lot longer than I thought, and 2) I’ve been trying to describe it through my writing for just as long. 

I’ve written a lot over the last ten-ish years, and as all writers do I’ve tossed some of that writing into the void of agents' inboxes hoping for a bite. (I have received half a bite, one time). I write because I want to understand myself and because I love stories, but there’s something unique about having someone validate what you put on the page. Like “yeah. I get it, I feel that too.” 

I want to be able to yell my words to the world so someone will yell back. 

You all have yelled back. 

Genuinely and truly with all of my heart I could not have asked for a better gift this last year than having people feel seen by my writing.

I’m finally pulling my way back up from a really deep pile of crap and part of that journey was being able to write about Lark and Grant and Terry. Them learning to ask for what they need, and taking care of themselves and letting themselves be taken care of has taught me how to do it. 

I’ve found words to describe the mumbling voices I hear when I forget to take my meds, and the crawling-skin feeling of mania. I learned how to ask for things even if it’s as stupid as “can you walk to the kitchen with me so I don’t have to go through the process of making a bagel by myself.” Having characters take care of themselves has trained me to take care of myself. Utterly ridiculous, but absolutely profound. 

Another part of that journey I must mention is having people say, “yeah, that’s what it’s like for me too. I hear you. I see you. We’re in this together.” 

It is a gift I didn’t know I needed. People don’t usually talk about their mental health issues and when they do it’s generally not in a way I can relate to. I’m not really textbook anything, but I am some of everything. Being able to describe the pain of random mental health things and having other people say they’ve felt that way too has made me feel less alone. 

I don’t know how to end this rant, only that I would be remiss if I didn’t say I sincerely appreciated every comment and interaction I’ve had over the last year with you all. I feel comforted in a way I never thought I would. I feel joy in participating in this community, and a deep feeling of hope that things will keep getting better (and then worse and then better again). 

I love you all. Thank you for everything, and I hope to be back up posting as soon as I get some original fictioning done. 

(Or maybe I’ll get sick of trying to write my own stuff and I’ll be back here in a week. Who knows.) 

P.S. I’m still planning to work on Picking up the Pieces, it just might be slower than my usual pace

[the-californicationist]

For the ask game, if you’re willing: ❤️ and 💛

No pressure though. Love your work!

That makes me so happy. I really appreciate that, friend. Also! Thank you so much for this ask!! 🩷

❤️ — I think the line that I wrote that sticks in my head the most is from Gunslinger, which doesn’t make much sense out of context but alas:

“Let him eat your bones right up, your faithful coyote, all the brokenness within you.”

However, I am most proud of the writing that I was able to accomplish in The Devil’s Summer. It’s a hard fic to read, though. Dark stuff.

💛 — The most impactful lesson I’ve learned from this process is that you should never rush to the good part.

I have written over 95 fanfiction stories in the past year, I have 525k words inked down, and I’m sure there’s a few tumblr drabbles that I can stack on top of the pile as well. Throughout all of them, I have a terrible habit of sprinting to the part that I want to read. I’ll have it written a hundred different ways, imagined it a thousand times in my mind. Whatever it is — the big fight scene, the first kiss, the earth-shattering confessional — whatever the good part is, I hurry towards it, hungry like I’ll starve without it. But, the rush takes the glory from it. Details add to the taste, like spices to a meal, and without them, I feel like some of my big moments fall flat.

I hate slow burns. I hate writing them. I hate reading them. And yet, I’m starting to realize that I just hate waiting to see if the good part will come true.

A good slow burn, with a talented author, will drop little crumbs, small promises, letting you know what’s coming. She’ll whisper between the lines, “I know what you want. It’s here. Just wait!” And I find myself trusting those stories. Banking on them. And then realizing that the good part was only good because I consumed all of the other bites around it. If the main meal is always dessert, who wants more cake?

And I think, through this realization, I have also learned to be more patient with myself. If you knew me back in October 2023, I was churning out 150k words per month. I thought I had to hurry. I thought no one wanted to wait for me. I wasn’t worth waiting for.

But that has changed for me. I don’t run myself ragged anymore because I think I’m worth waiting for. I think my work is worth my own patience. And when I do deliver a post or a chapter or whatever, I think it shows that it was built and crafted with care, spiced and salted and grilled to be at its best.

And it has taught me just how much more learning I have to do. That desire to rush, to skip, to only eat (or read) the dessert is still there. It still taunts me. I can still hear myself in my mind saying, “Why would anyone wait on this when they can pull up tumblr or AO3 and get something else right now?” And teaching myself to ignore that negativity, to power through with my details, to trust my gut and write about all of the intricacies that I think are important; I have learned to try to listen to that part of myself. It’s becoming easier to do so.

When people bemoan George R. R. Martin for taking “too long”, I think that if people feel that way about a world class author, surely they must also feel that way about the fanwork they read. Hell, people have even stolen fanwork to feed AI machines just because they “want an ending”. And I thought that was the norm, but now I just feel sorry for those people. They can’t understand how much sweeter the treat would be if they had just been willing to wait for the work to be done in the way it was meant to be done. I feel sad for them that they will never realize the potential for what was unfinished.

I used to only read completed fics. I didn’t want to wait. I needed to know how it ends. Does the hero survive the evil? Do the lovers tell each other the truth? Does he actually fuck her in that one bed they have to share!? But not anymore. Now, I taste the little clues the author leaves behind for me. I listen to her voice as I read: “Trust me!” And so I do. I don’t mind waiting for the good part anymore. I subscribe, I bookmark, and I comment to tell them how much I am enjoying being fed.

As a writer, I need to get better at that patience. On waiting for the good part to come. It’s not always easy, but it’s been a good lesson.

[celestie0]

omg it’s been a while and you’ve been missed! i’m so glad you got a break and got to let everything rest for a bit, as a writer (or atleast i try) myself, it wasn’t until i started writing that i started realizing how exhausting it could be and how much it can burn you out.

I found your page originally from kickoff which i loved and then ihm i just completely fell in love with ihm, your writing and work is amazing and i hope you would get more credit and support for how entertaining and well written your stories are!

I’m honestly so excited for how ihm is gonna turn out, i love the dynamic between reader and gojo and from some old posts before with all the talk of adding suguru possibly into the mix and honestly i have no idea why everyone was so pressed about the whole gojo ex wife thing because i lowkey wanna know the lore behind them.

i loved kickoff gojo so much but ihm gojo just felt more mature and playful like he gives off such cool uncle vibes ykwim 😭 (and HE IS) also i love him and juno’s relationship, it’s just the cutest

i love a good slow burn, it keeps me at the edge of my seat! keep up the good work and you have my full support and love towards you and your page.

make sure to enjoy your holidays!! your writing is loved and appreciated, sweetheart 🤍

hi darling so sorry for the late response on this!! but it made me smile so much thank uuu :”)

ouu yes same here, i didnt really know how challenging writing was until i delved into it myself! it be so tough sometimes but aaa. just slowly learning to fall in love w the process again

i’m so glad you enjoy kickoff and ihm! it means so much to me :”0 LOL yeah ihm gojo’s personality is kind of my dream man tbh but kickoff gojo has such a special place in my heart too 🥲

much love <3 you’re so sweet i could cry. hope you had a lovely holiday weekend!!

[fantasticalleigh]

Body talk and whatever below! Adding a read more for those who’d rather not hear it bc this turned into a whole venting post with a dash of mommy issues 🙄

took these pics (gotta appreciate the post workout pump) bc I’m kinda pleased my arm vascularity is coming back. I’m still fluffy all around but I’ve come a long way in building back all the muscle I lost when I was going through an ED a couple years ago (basically I took intermittent fasting to an extreme). I lost a ton of weight really fast and looked good back then but didn’t realize how much muscle I’d lost (which was pretty much most of it) until it was way too late. And during lockdown I was outdoors skating or walking pretty much 24/7 but once we went back in person and I was working and going to school and stressed over my senior year at uni I slowly gained weight back. And since then it’s been a slow slow road of getting it off, getting strong again, and making mistakes and learning from them. All that inspirational shit.

I’ve mainly focused on body recomposition for the past two years. This probably would have succeeded faster if I was getting proper sleep and really committing to eating healthy but I’m straddling a middle line and happy with it and my progress. My quads are building up and they’re still bitty but I’m happy. My upper back looks strong as fuck (using Rhea for inspiration since we have the same body type!) and I’m getting more definition there and in my legs bit by bit. The ass is fat again lol. The biceps are growing and my forearms will always be the thinnest part of me but also getting muscly.

So naturally the more muscle I have the bigger I look. I’m ok with that! I embrace it. I want to look strong. The point of body recomp is to build muscle and slowly lose fat in the process. Muscle burns more calories when you’re not moving around and so I’m ok with still looking fluffy if that means I’m getting stronger. I do lazy cardio and I want to lean down and I will but I’m not rushing into it.

There’s definitely body dysmorphia hanging around when I’m trying to fit into my shirts and they don’t fit bc my shoulders and biceps are bigger and make me wider. My stomach is definitely more flat than it was two or even three months ago and thank god bc my jeans are comfy again LOL. I look at myself and know I’m getting slimmer slowly but I still feel frustrated sometimes bc of things like this. I recently weighed myself a few weeks ago and found I was 211 lbs. Not surprised! I’m 5’9 and with a broad and strong build so I’m never gonna be light as a feather or dainty. Muscle weighs more than fat and I’ve been building a lot of that so no brainer.

(And for reference the last time I weighed upwards of 200 lbs I was very overweight and most of that weight was in my midsection and I was like three or four sizes bigger than I am now. Muscle makes a hell of a difference in body composition!)

Anyway. All this to say that I’ve been working hard and enjoying the process/results. I’m no physical trainer but I know what works for me and i actively try to take care of myself every day. But my mom likes to make snide comments about it all the time, joking that I’m training to become a wrestler (and so what if I was?) and she likes to call me “grandota”, which in Spanish means “big girl” jokingly. And she’ll tut about what I eat all the time if she sees me eat, things like that. (Not that I should have to defend myself but I do try to eat well. Lots of protein and veg, but I don’t restrict myself from tasty drinks or sugary snacks bc I’m human😝.)

The grandota thing is fair. I never used to mind it. I’m the second tallest member of my family (first is pops), taller even than my brother who is eight years younger lol. My mom is at least a foot shorter than me. But now it’s just mean spirited when she says it and it’s been happening a lot more lately.

So she sees me today, freshly showered and changed after my workout, just minutes after I took the photos above and goes: “are you training to be a wrestler? You’re getting fat!”

🙃

This is long enough so I won’t go into detail about the argument we had after. It’s not the first time she’s said these exact lines to me and I usually ignore them but i felt done today. And basically I told her to stop being passive aggressive about my body bc it’s rude and I’m tired of it (and she doesn’t get to talk shit when I’m actively trying to take care of myself and she doesn’t) and I don’t do the same to her. And then she got offended and said I should go live on a mountain if I don’t want people to make mean comments. 🙃🙃🙃

Story time over! Sorry for the loooong vent post.

[flojouno]

now i’m thinking about hair. i never had black friends growing up. didn’t have a black classmate until freshman of high school, then moved to a different school with no black students in sophomore year. hell i didn’t even have black online friends. now i have more black online friends (i don’t leave the house so black irls is tricky) and even THEN im not very close to them.

so my experience with my blackness has been centered by my family. my dads side is the worst cause my grandma hated black hair (given she grew up when our hair was called nappy and messy). she always complained when i wore it naturally. insulted me and constantly questioned when i’d get it “fixed”. my mom is from the islands so she appreciates it. she doesn’t understand how americans do their afros tho (she kinda just wets the hair and add oil and call it a day. no shaping or anything). i think my sister and cousin are the only ones who know how to take care of our hair! they both keep theirs really short.

i really like color and longer hair. i despise wearing wigs and weaves aren’t for me. it’s either dying my natural hair or braided extensions/other styles like locs or twists etc. i prolly do have more options but my mom does my hair.

it’s so fascinating to think about how other people get their hair done. friends always tell me about how they got their hair cut, dyed and fixed up in salons and barbers. it’s so fascinating and it’s like. a few hour process!! or less!! mine is like a whole weekend thing. never is a one day thing. never. cut the braids shorter, take the braids out, detangle then wash well, and prepare to braid. that alone takes most the day for me. plus my mom does it alone 9/10 of the time. she works on her feet all day so she needs more breaks, we don’t have good spots to have us both sitting while she does it, and taking out my own hair is awful and nearly impossible. do you know how tiring it is to fiddle with the top of your head for hours? that’s a whole workout right there! i can only do so much!

by the time my hair is washed and detangled again i’m exhausted. so is my mom. we usually continue it for the next day. preparing my hair and then braiding. i never learned to braid when i was younger so learning now isn’t ideal on my own head. but my mom and sister help which im so grateful for. i used to be so tender headed when i was little but my mom stopped yanking my hair as hard and now i can handle it better. a lot of my memories are sitting in the chair in front of my mom, me sleeping or on my laptop/listening to music on my phone, while my mom watches her shows. i have thick tight curls and my hair is getting longer each time i take out my braids (which is good since my hair had grown super slow my whole life. i blame all the relaxing and straightening). so getting each braid in is hell.

of course it’s also being braided with the fake hair. whatever color i wanted, and now im getting more creative with the styles! making bangs or putting beads or leaving the ends open or braiding all the way down with charms and stuff. it’s the best way i can do to express myself! it’s my hair! it takes time and effort and work to get my hair done. i’m stuck with it for a while so i better like how it ends! having my hair braided makes my life so much easier, especially since i’ve had depression since 10 years old. it’s been a struggle to take care of myself at all, so having the huge HUGE possibility of my hair getting knotted and matted and dirty was also right around the corner. braiding has been my savior.

not sure what this post is but i like talking about my hair :3 don’t get a lot of chances too. i never realized how much my hair means to me.

[suleikashideaway]

10 ways to tell you're reading a fic by suleikas_hideaway

Thank you @gardengalwrites for the tag!! 

Most of these relate to how I’ve felt while writing my (still unpublished) longfic, but a few things have popped up in the recent one-shots I’ve written for the ffviiicharacterweek challenges. Overall, this was a really enlightening activity and took me wayyyyyy longer than I would have thought. Tbh, I’ve learned so much about myself as a little baby writer and I’m grateful for the opportunity to reflect! 

I inadvertently focus every aspect of my stories on personal growth and recovery. I started writing as a form of therapy to help me deal with my personal struggles, and so that’s inherently what my characters do, too. I live for that slow, nonlinear climb from rock bottom. Or, in my recent discovery of writing one-shots, it’s the understanding that yes, we can do hard things, or yes, it’s worth taking a step back and seeing the big picture and appreciating how we got here. 

In that same vein, I discovered that I quite enjoy writing the journey towards rock bottom. You know the one. In which you keep thinking “wow, it can’t get any worse than this!” And then you think it a dozen more times until you’re in a place where you can literally go nowhere but up. Love that. Heh.

I think the above two points make it obvious that introspection is my thing! I aim to give characters a reasonable and believable amount of processing time. I want you to be inside their little heads and see what makes them tick. What do they outwardly show versus what they keep to themselves? What kind of winding thought patterns do they have? What are their secret fears and desires, and do they even realize them? And hopefully not bore you to hell while doing so (:

It’s my goal to make every single word meaningful. I honestly don’t know if I accomplish this, but if there is an object or an image invoked, it’s intentional. Symbolism, motifs, imagery – it’s all meant to be there. 

In addition to the symbolism, everything mentioned has a backstory. If a character is drinking a cup of coffee in one scene, you better believe I have their entire backstory as to why they drink coffee. If a character mentions music in one single sentence, you better believe I have the entire backstory of their appreciation for music. 

So far I’ve only ever written in close third-person narrative. I’ve been striving for the absolute closest I can get without making it first person, using vocabulary and vibes that only that character can give you. This has been one of the most enjoyable things about writing from different perspectives. Tbh it makes me want to try first person sometime soon. 

I’ve also only ever written in past tense. I don’t know why I do this??? I want to try writing in present tense but it’s not something that feels natural to me, though I love reading present.

Another thing I try to do is give an immersive description of the physical environment of a scene. I want to make you feel like you are in the bar with the character, or out in the rain, or in a cold, unwelcome room. It’s something I strive for, and hopefully accomplish! To add to this, I aim for specificity in my descriptions. I try to paint a full picture without going overboard or making anything too purple. (Though I can admit I don’t think my one-shots really go for the level of description I like. Hmmm maybe some more editing is in order!)

I really adore writing romantic relationships as well as family dynamic relationships. Something I hope to add more of is platonic relationships! But as of now, none of my fics have any friendships really highlighted, which I think is sad!

I live for the narrative, which means I try to change my style based on what is needed for the scene. I think I tend to write long sentences but sometimes they get choppy on purpose if that’s better for the tone. Or sometimes, if a character is really in the throes then description is done away in favor for the inward spiral they’re having.

[ruminate88]

Hi! I'm trying to learn how to be a better person and I've been reading your blog since I found it. I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope you get better soon. I know it's cliche to say you're not alone, but you are probably feeling like you are because narcissistic abuse includes being isolated--by being manipulated or being forced to isolate yourself. It's a very slow healing process like an amputated limb, but it WILL get better as you find peace.

Can you maybe make a post with a list of all the bad things narcs have done to you? I think listing helps.

I appreciate you reading my blog if this is all for you, I’m glad I created it. I wanted to help at least one person see a light at the end of their tunnel. Thank you for the kind words I know I’m not completely alone, I pray to God everyday and believe he hears my cries and cares but physically, yes, I don’t talk to family or friends about any of this, I stay to myself, as I’ve been ashamed and unsure if they would be able to understand all I went through and obviously not to upset family.

I can only tell you I’ve felt like a broken/bad person many of days and I don’t take all the credit in healing myself, I believe God has done most of the work. The best choice I ever made was to admit I failed my life and myself. To ask God to change me and change the direction of my life because I was totally lost not knowing what I needed or wanted!! Nothing had been working for me and I was in the vicious cycle of dating manipulating/controlling men. I HAD to make a change or I was going to hurt myself. I felt like a piece of garage that my exes threw away. 😔😔😔

Things that was hardest about narcissistic abuse:

• You don’t recognize the isolation until you’re out of the relationship with the narcissist. You’re so desperate; worried about pleasing them and making them not upset with you, you spend all your time away from people who actually care about you. Memories of those times makes me so sad to this day.

• The love-bomb phase although it appeared wonderful and my exes were paying me so much attention, I think that phase was the most sickening and disturbing phase. They literally pretend to be the “partner of your dreams” while they’re deceiving you so they can use you and control you. I had been unstable already within my mental health so I was an easy target for them to trick me. My ex Andrew told me, “I mean it with all my heart and soul that I love you and want you to text me” even though he had went no contact from me a whole week prior. Him saying such a great statement kept me pulled in to his toxic pool and I kept on drowning in it.

• so I dealt with 3 narcissists but the 2nd one, Cody, he dumped me twice but the 2nd time he did it by ghosting me. I’m not trying to be dramatic when I say it was very traumatizing… Considering you’re in trauma bond with this person. They create a false narrative that you’re both so obsessed with each other and you believe the feelings are reciprocated but they’re not!! The narcissistic relationship is extremely one-sided. So him ghosting me, he not only made me so attached and crazy about the fairytale love he made up with me but then to just ghost me and rip it all away, took my spirit at that time. I was a dead person walking after that. I saw almost NO hope for me. Then to meet Andrew not even 6 months after and I begged Andrew pleeeease don’t hurt me like Cody did but Andrew couldn’t help who he is. 💔🖤

• Another scar I have had to overcome is after I broke up with Andrew, we continued to flirt and sext a lot but then started to argue a lot. (He would claim he missed sexting me but then blame me and say I was making him wanna sext that I didn’t respect the breakup) Arguing through text is always rough because words can be misconstrued. (I couldn’t hardly get him on the phone ever to actually talk. He only wanted to text.) Andrew said very hurtful things to me. He kept changing “our story” because he couldn’t be honest with himself or take accountability for the fact he was in a real relationship with me for a year. He told me “He pretended all this feelings to just lead me on” but then quickly changed his story again to say “he was in love with me but fell out of love with me and was afraid to tell me” but the biggest slap in my face was eventually he exclaimed, “If I’m hurting you so much then just stop caring about me.” 😭 (as if I could just undo the attachment he allowed me to make with him. The many months he got my hopes up with future faking plus the promises he gave to me that I held onto but he couldn’t take accountability for anything he had done to me or with me.

• Eventually during the many arguments I had with Andrew, I hit my breaking point and had a suicide attack!! I let him know right away I was done fighting and didn’t see how I could continue on with him. I told him I wanted to end my life and then flipped a switch and pretended to be scared for me and pretended to “rescue me” blew up my phone begging me to stay and saying he’s sorry to have said what he said in our arguments. I wanted to believe him so bad. Whenever the attack subsided hours later and I was able to calmly reply to his countless pleas for me to stay, he pretended to have been so “worried about me” but then explained he believed “I wasn’t well and needed to get professional help.” He made me believe I was messed up and had so many issues…. Now I finally look back and think that was a form of gaslighting. He found something he could use to make me look like a problem and it deflected the focus off of him being a cheater and a liar. (He had a new girlfriend already) That whole situation caused me so much anger that I never saw till years later when I am now healing, I realize I had all that anger to deal with. It was uncomfortable!

• Always being nervous with their reactions and consistenly apologizing for them, as they make you to believe everything is your fault. They don’t like when you speak up against their actions and behaviors. 3 times I tried to confront Andrew as he would ignore me 2/3 days at a time but then always come back and treat me like I was his baby and he wanted me. Those 3 times I would ask if he’s too busy for us, does he want to break up and just be friends but he would always get so defensive and act upset like I was causing him so much stress. It would always end with me being sorry and telling him how much I adore him and I would kiss his feet like he was a king and he would then say the most romantic things to me and say how beautiful I was BUT I always knew in the back of my mind he was cheating and hiding stuff from me but I was scared to admit it out loud and “lose him.” My friends would tell me what a loser he was that I should leave him but I would get so upset and push my friends away. Andrew was barely there for me but I was 110% faithful to him.

• Seeking their approval was super exhausting too and it’s taken me years to relax and be comfortable within my skin. Andrew and Cody both gave me so little but they took everything from me. I was pathetic in sitting next to my phone 24/7 begging Andrew to text me and pay me attention because when he did, it was always “hey babe I missed you” and he would Snapchat me selfies and I would melt at his sparklingly blue eyes yet they were fake. Truly his eyes are black!!! I would cry for days with my phone and stalk Andrew’s social media pages hoping I don’t find other women and I could never find proof he was cheating. When Andrew would finally text me back or Snapchat me, I didn’t want him to leave again so I was throwing myself at him!! 🥴🥴🥴 I would dress up with all the makeup and sometimes no clothes on hoping to make him wanna stay and he would tell me how much I turned him on how he wanted me but didn’t wanna tell our parents about our relationship… (I just knew he was hiding things and other girls but I would not admit it for months)

They make holidays miserable 😩 •Halloween - Andrew said he was going to a party, didn’t invite me and I didn’t hear from him again till the next day. (Cheating)

• Thanksgiving, didn’t hear from Andrew at all till later that night and he was out “Black Friday shopping” and treating me like some random person he’s texting. I spent that whole day isolated during my family dinner. I had my phone on a charger in the wall and spent hours trying to type a long text message to tell him how bothered I was with his “hot and cold” behavior but every time I wanted to send it to him, I was scared he would dump me and I kept erasing my message and retyping it. People kept asking “you okay??” And I pretended I was fine. He stole that thanksgiving away from me!! (Mind you any regular day Andrew would text me just fine it was only holidays he ruined)

• Christmas - sucked!!!! No good morning babe or merry Christmas from Andrew till really late when the day is almost over. I yet again was isolating myself during family time. Stayed in my bedroom so sad why my “boyfriend” hadn’t texted me alllll day. When he did finally text, I confronted his absense and he exclaimed “he wasn’t worthy of my love” and “he wasn’t good enough for me.” I thought he was breaking up with me and I cried so hard. He swore that he wasn’t breaking up but that he believed I deserved better than him and he could never be enough for me. It was so confusing and I was actually happy when the day ended because it just sucked so much 😣

• Valentine’s Day - Was the worst one. Andrew was different the whole month of January prior. He was the best boyfriend daily talking sweet to me and showing me “affection” and selfies galore but on Valentine’s Day it felt so forced with him. I begged him would he send me a video of himself saying “I love you” and he did!!! It just all felt off. Then later that night. He was super cold. I asked him “what are your plans tonight??” He said “I never get time to myself, I’m always studying, doing homework or spending time with you.” 🥺 ouch!!! He said he just wanted to play video games and relax…. He continued to snap me some but I felt he didn’t really want to. He took time in between each response, leaving me to sit on my phone all night wishing things were better. He flirted some but that was it. I was in bed disappointed he chose video games over me on valentines day and at some point he never responded back!! I sat up till 3am letting tears fall as I gazed at Snapchat seeeing he still never opened my message… the thing with him is usually if he felt “sick” he would text me about it. So next morning he messaged me first goood morning and asked how I slept. I told him I waited up till 3am for him to respond!! THEN Andrew said “I didn’t sleep at all. I was up sick to my stomach all night”…. What?!! I knew he was lying. 😔 I asked him why didn’t he tell me he got sick and he said because he it was his stomach and he was embarrassed to say he was in the bathroom… haha (the man sent me nude selfies from his shower almost daily. He’s not embarrassed easily.)

I know this is a lot but I am finally at a place where I believe I experienced all of this so that I can better understand and relate to other people. All the anger and bitterness I had from both my exes was hard but gave me tough skin. All the nights and days I didn’t sleep worried if I was impressing them. They never deserved me to impress them but I can’t help but think maybe a small part of me touched their lives but maybe that’s just hopeful thinking. I hate to call them monsters, it makes me feel bad but I can’t hide the fact they hurt me soooooo deep. ❤️‍🩹🖤

(The list of things I endured from both Cody and Andrew could go on for many chapters. I chose the moments that I felt affected me the most)

You said it right!!! It’s exactly like a limb that needs healing. It’s every part of me. Years after I got away from Andrew, I started to randomly lose all the weight I couldn’t before. I lost a lot of hair too and I was so defensive in my marriage. My husband could say the littlest thing to trigger me and I instantly wanted to be so upset and hold everything inside to avoid any conflict. I hate confrontation it didn’t always go so easy with Andrew or Cody. It’s scary to wonder how my husband would react. Would he be different from those men?

I blocked Andrew’s number in 2015 and I didn’t learn about narcissism until 2022!!! That’s a long time that I searched for answers and I struggled in my marriage because I’ve kept a guard up scared to face anymore humiliation or disappointment in my life. Now that I understand a little more about what emotional abuse is, I began to feel everything and make more sense of it. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’ve worked so hard on getting my hair back and getting my gut health under control. I’m spending so much time with family and I stand up for myself more!!!! I believe there is much purpose in all the suffering I faced with the narcissists. (There just has to be) I believe all of it made me a stronger person!! Do I “miss” the false faces and the love bomb phase?? It’s addicting more than it is “missing them”. I don’t know the real Andrew or Cody. Last time I tried to Google cody, I felt like he was sooo different it bothered me so much. I basically had a one-sided relationship with total strangers who hated my guts but pretended to be in love with me… they haunt me every day but I refuse to ever reach out to them and I do try to pray for them every time I feel upset about them. What else can I do?? It’s all over! They can’t change what they did to me and I can’t make them say sorry. If God doesn’t change them, they’re never going to feel empathy for the broken heart they gave me but God is showing me love I never saw ever before. So is my husband. I’m learning just now to finally trust both God and my husband!! (Taking deep breaths because I’m safe now) I’m only looking up now! I’ve already hit my rock bottom! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 Hope this is all enlightening, encouraging and helpful! Thank you again for taking time to message me!! 🥰

[akkrosu]

@majestictortoise Has somebody else caught me awkwardly lurking around spam-liking everything they post because I don’t do Tumblr the way it was probably intended? Because that must be the only way anyone can possibly know who I am. Well, thanks anyway!

Five things I like about myself? God, I hate this already, thank you very much. I’ll try, and right now I’m really glad I know pretty well what I’m good at, so there’s that.

I am undoubtedly good at languages. I don’t tend to put it like this often because it makes me self-conscious, but I think it means something when you study Applied Linguistics and are better at the foreign languages you study than 95% of the people you study with. I speak English pretty much as if it were my native language, various Spanish professors have asked me if I have family in Spain (which I don’t), and I am twice as fast at reading Chinese texts than my classmates after a year of studying it. And it’s both because I have a natural understanding of how languages work and because I actively put in the work and have the motivation to fully engange in a language.

I like learning. I always want to learn more. There’s this great German word, “wissbegierig”, that basically means “greedy for knowledge”, and I 100% subscribe to that idea. It doesn’t even matter if I’m interested in the topic or not—I soak up new knowledge like a sponge. And I’m also pretty good at remembering it.

I am nice. I like helping people. No matter if I know a person or not, if I like them or not—if someone so much as mentions needing something or not being able to do something, I will jump at the chance to offer my help. I once tutored a classmate in music theory even though she had never been nice to me after being in the same class for 7 years and even though I knew she would basically never talk to me again afterwards, just because I wanted to help her. I am terrible at accepting I can’t help someone, and will spend ages trying to figure out another way to offer my help. I guess a lot of things in the world could be better if people helped each other out more.

I say thank you a lot. This seems like a small thing, but I think it’s so important to say thank you if someone does something for you, small and mundane as it may be. It makes the other person happy, they know you appreciate them, it’s just great for an interpersonal relationship.

When I do things, I do them right. Even if it’s just listening to someone speak or loading the dishwasher. This often means I am slow at getting stuff done and tedious about the process, but everything I do, I get perfectionist about it until it’s just the way I want it. So if someone asks me to do something, they can be assured I’ll do everything they wanted and often more. Even if that often means they are asked a hundred seemingly tiny things about the task before it’s actually done. But I really like looking back at what I did after I finish and seeing something well done, something I’m proud of.

Thank you, I feel mildly uncomfortable now. Then again, it’s important to talk about what you like about yourself sometimes instead of drowning in self-pity thinking about everything you’re not happy with. So thank you for tagging me! Forgive me if I don’t tag anyone, I’m too much of an online (and often offline) loner who doesn’t know people. It was fun doing this though!

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hi Rachel! Hope things are going well for you! I was wondering, since this is a frequent topic on your blog/channel, how do you still enjoy your work while letting go of perfectionism? Enjoying what I write is super important to my process and with keeping me going, but the constant over-worrying and embarrassment of what I put down really slows me down and leaves me feeling terrible lol... I know I need to learn to think differently of my own work but I’m a bit uncertain of where to start and what else I could try and appreciate instead. Sorry if this is too vague or broad of a question! No pressure to come up with a solid, one answer or anything. Just hearing your thoughts/experiences would be helpful!

This is a really, really good question! I wrote THIS ask that sort of addresses this too, if you haven't already seen it!

I think at the end of the day, loving your writing despite perfectionism all comes down to graceful self-compassion. Not every day is going to be perfect. Sometimes I still hate my writing (me! right! now!), and it's good to know that ahead of time. If I'm aware I'm not always going to like my work (which is realistic for me), I can then also tell myself that it doesn't make sense to harp too long on things I don't like when my opinion will inevitably change.

Some days it's really about gritting your teeth and pretending you like the work (also! me! right! now!). Find words or lines or images you like and focus your energy there!

One of the mistakes I made when first endeavoring on my writing self-love journey was making goals that were too big. I remember when I wrote Moth Work, the goal was "let's just dump all my shit writing here and see where that goes" and where that went was me developing severe perfectionism LOL. I then went alllll the way to other extreme and was like "okay well let me make all this writing perfect" which is literally an impossible task! Eventually I found the middle.

Now, I'm able to write something like Seventh Virtue and be like "ah yes, let me dump all my shit writing here" because the project also demands different things. For MW, it made no sense to ask myself of that when a HUGE part of what I enjoyed about writing that book was the actual prose itself (I mean makes sense, it's literary fiction). For SV, the prose is important, but not THE most important thing, so my goal of "don't care what happens I just want to have fun" is more feasible within those genre constraints.

So perhaps look at the project you're writing & see where you can create a realistic goal for yourself? I find asking what I like about the project helps inform those goals. So as I said, I liked the pretty prose in MW, so I wanted to retain that. The goal then became, "alright, I'll draft what I can in the moment, and I'll accept that at points, I'm not going to feel comfortable and I will feel cringe and I will feel embarrassed. But after my drafting session, I'll come back and tinker with the draft if needed" (this is actually how I'm currently writing BODY BACK haha).

For Seventh Virtue, I'm quite sensitive to the plot being causally warranted, so the goal is "okay, I'll try to draft each scene from the previous so a firmer causal chain is created, but I will miss scenes, write scenes that aren't needed, etc, and that's fine because I can address that later."

When I realized I could tailor my goal for the specific project, things really opened up for me because it showed me I didn't need to stick to one writing process. On here, y'all get basically first draft Seventh Virtue (99% of it hasn't been touched since coming out of my brain), but get a franken first draft-ish (sometimes 2nd or 3rd) of BB because I cycle through phrasings in my mind while I write (which I don't do in SV LOL). Those are two different drafting processes, so they deserve two different goals so I can better enjoy them.

Also I would say... don't be afraid of discomfort. Writing is so uncomfortable sometimes. I mean look at me in 2020--I HATEEDDD MW! And now it's like... the best thing I've ever written, IMO. We're not objective critics of our own work when we go into it hating it so much (or being embarrassed/ashamed by it, etc, whatever emotion fits your current situation). So that shows us the feelings we're having are feelings, not facts. And feelings are good to have! But they don't have to dictate everything forever. Feel them, and then *try* to accept them and move on. That might not be easy, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

I used to STRESS so much when a sentence/scene/paragraph wasn't working. Is that how I explain the 30-60k of each novel I cut between 2018-2020? Yep! Now I stress a little less. And I hardly cut things until I get to the actual revision process (~2k/project).

Okay finally, I've been meaning to use this analogy and this is the perfect timing for it. I've been learning the fun fingerstyle guitar in Jeff Buckley's version of Corpus Christie Carol for almost two months now. When I first started learning that song, LOL, I couldn't play ANYYYY of it. It confused me. I was frustrated. But, I genuinely knew that if I kept practicing, it'd sound 100% better a couple months from now. And now I can almost play it well haha.

It's funny how writers (me included!) forget that practice and failing and sounding bad and writing nonsense is a very important part of the process, but how in other art forms, it's just a given. My brother is an incredible musician and I would never expect him to play a riff perfectly on the first go when he's only heard it once or twice. When he makes mistakes when playing, I either don't notice at all or don't care because it's a given. I just KNOW that as a musician, if I keep practicing, I'll eventually get it (and I almost always do--in some cases, it's too hard and I quit, and that's fine to do too).

I'm actually learning a new song on guitar rn, I'll record it and put it in a video as a visual haha. The amount of times you play the exact same note over and over again... The amount of times you KNOW you're playing the wrong thing but keep playing it wrong anyway because it hasn't quite clicked... It's all part of it! I still enjoy that practice, because it's fun! We can apply that to writing too.

[strawberryandhoney03]

Finding My Rhythm: Reflections on the First Month of the Year

So far this year, I’ve felt kind of stuck in a loop. As much as I’m trying to move forward, it feels like I’m running in place. Progress has been slow, and honestly, it’s frustrating. But even when it’s hard, I try to remind myself of the little victories—the good things I’ve done so far. They’re my way of proving to myself that I am moving forward, even if it’s at a pace I didn’t expect.

One of the things I’m proud of is finally making more time to write. There’s this idea that’s been floating around in my head for a while now, and I’ve started to put it on paper. It’s a story about a group of college students navigating the challenges life throws at them but treating those challenges as if they were part of a game. It might sound a little silly, but there’s something about it that feels right. I think it could be good. More importantly, it feels amazing to give my creativity space to breathe.

I’ve also found a new book to read, which is something I’ve been needing. I’ve only made it through the first chapter so far, but it’s been promising. Reading has always been a way for me to escape, to recharge, but lately, I haven’t been in the right mood for it. Even so, I’m trying to get back into it, one page at a time.

Last week, I did something small but surprisingly impactful: I got my nails done. It’s funny how something so simple can shift your whole mindset. That day, I felt better, lighter, and somehow more capable. I ended up having one of my most productive days in a long time. It’s like the little act of treating myself gave me a confidence boost I didn’t know I needed.

Looking back, it doesn’t feel like much. But this is my first month of the new year, and I’m learning to be okay with starting slow. I’ve been so focused on trying to achieve all my goals so quickly that I forgot to take a moment to breathe. I forgot that life isn’t a race.

Now, I’m reminding myself to slow down, to appreciate the journey, and to trust the process. I’m not in a rush to get where I’m going anymore. I just need to keep going, one step at a time.

Yours Truly,

D

[leashdn]

Journal Entry 3: Lost and Found

This week has been a blend of small breakthroughs and lingering struggles. I’ve come to realize that losing myself didn’t happen in a single moment. It was a slow unraveling, one that took place quietly over time. But with each day that passes, I also see that putting myself back together won’t be an instant process either. And maybe that’s okay.

I’ve been learning to be kinder to myself. For a long time, I was frustrated with my own lack of progress, but now I’m starting to appreciate the significance of every step, no matter how small. I tried reconnecting with some old hobbies and things I used to enjoy before life became overwhelming. It felt strange at first, like picking up an old habit that’s now unfamiliar, but the more I allowed myself to engage, the more I began to feel a spark of something familiar inside me.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned this week is that healing doesn’t always mean moving forward in a straight line. There are setbacks, moments where I feel like I’ve lost more than I’ve gained. But even in those moments, I remind myself that I’m still here, still trying my best to survive those days. And that effort itself is a victory. Little by little, I’m reclaiming the parts of me that were lost, and with each piece I find, I feel a little stronger, a little more whole. As if those broken pieces of me started to connect back to pieces.

[thecpdiary]

Adjusting to a New Solitude

I resonate with the lyrics of Eric Clapton's 'Tears in Heaven' song – slowly learning to move forward with my life without my twin. I have recently moved home and am adapting to a new environment. Moving to a new house, especially in a quieter setting, is a significant change for me. I am more at home here.

Embracing the Different Pace of Life

In moving house, I realise that it’s also a unique opportunity to unwind and reconnect with myself. I’m choosing to look at things differently. I can now have solace in the peace and quiet of my new environment, cherishing moments of quiet contemplation.

Connecting with myself

After losing my twin, I knew it was time to move, although I was aware that relocating would stir up a mix of emotions. Throughout the initial process of grief I have felt alone, but it has also been liberating being able to connect with myself. As someone with autism on the spectrum, it can be all too easy to disconnect, especially when you're already dealing with mental health.

Exploring My Environment

I’ve started exploring my surroundings more and getting out of the house has made a significant difference. Having moved to a village, I already feel a sense of belonging that I've never experienced before. I hope that this sense of belonging will deepen over time. I feel more grounded in this new chapter of my life, confident that I’ve made the right decision and I genuinely love my new surroundings and outlook.

Nooks and Crannies

I’ve started to walk around the village, discovering its nooks and crannies, including the charming village church. Each little corner of the village holds its own unique appeal. Listening to nature and soaking in the ambiance of my new surroundings, especially the village pub, which is at the hub of community life is really comforting. My new environment is a refreshing contrast of my past, allowing me to slow down and appreciate the beauty around me.

As I continue to settle in, I am starting to feel a growing sense of purpose and hope – that this village can become a significant part of my story. I have more confidence. The journey may be just beginning, but for the first time, I feel at peace.

Conclusion

This transition offers me a precious chance to have peace in solitude. I need to continue to remind myself that adjustment through loss takes time and that it’s perfectly okay to take things one day at a time.

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