#I’m venting here bc I already vented in the group chat I have with my sisters and it wasn’t enough LMAO

[fantasticalleigh]

Body talk and whatever below! Adding a read more for those who’d rather not hear it bc this turned into a whole venting post with a dash of mommy issues 🙄

took these pics (gotta appreciate the post workout pump) bc I’m kinda pleased my arm vascularity is coming back. I’m still fluffy all around but I’ve come a long way in building back all the muscle I lost when I was going through an ED a couple years ago (basically I took intermittent fasting to an extreme). I lost a ton of weight really fast and looked good back then but didn’t realize how much muscle I’d lost (which was pretty much most of it) until it was way too late. And during lockdown I was outdoors skating or walking pretty much 24/7 but once we went back in person and I was working and going to school and stressed over my senior year at uni I slowly gained weight back. And since then it’s been a slow slow road of getting it off, getting strong again, and making mistakes and learning from them. All that inspirational shit.

I’ve mainly focused on body recomposition for the past two years. This probably would have succeeded faster if I was getting proper sleep and really committing to eating healthy but I’m straddling a middle line and happy with it and my progress. My quads are building up and they’re still bitty but I’m happy. My upper back looks strong as fuck (using Rhea for inspiration since we have the same body type!) and I’m getting more definition there and in my legs bit by bit. The ass is fat again lol. The biceps are growing and my forearms will always be the thinnest part of me but also getting muscly.

So naturally the more muscle I have the bigger I look. I’m ok with that! I embrace it. I want to look strong. The point of body recomp is to build muscle and slowly lose fat in the process. Muscle burns more calories when you’re not moving around and so I’m ok with still looking fluffy if that means I’m getting stronger. I do lazy cardio and I want to lean down and I will but I’m not rushing into it.

There’s definitely body dysmorphia hanging around when I’m trying to fit into my shirts and they don’t fit bc my shoulders and biceps are bigger and make me wider. My stomach is definitely more flat than it was two or even three months ago and thank god bc my jeans are comfy again LOL. I look at myself and know I’m getting slimmer slowly but I still feel frustrated sometimes bc of things like this. I recently weighed myself a few weeks ago and found I was 211 lbs. Not surprised! I’m 5’9 and with a broad and strong build so I’m never gonna be light as a feather or dainty. Muscle weighs more than fat and I’ve been building a lot of that so no brainer.

(And for reference the last time I weighed upwards of 200 lbs I was very overweight and most of that weight was in my midsection and I was like three or four sizes bigger than I am now. Muscle makes a hell of a difference in body composition!)

Anyway. All this to say that I’ve been working hard and enjoying the process/results. I’m no physical trainer but I know what works for me and i actively try to take care of myself every day. But my mom likes to make snide comments about it all the time, joking that I’m training to become a wrestler (and so what if I was?) and she likes to call me “grandota”, which in Spanish means “big girl” jokingly. And she’ll tut about what I eat all the time if she sees me eat, things like that. (Not that I should have to defend myself but I do try to eat well. Lots of protein and veg, but I don’t restrict myself from tasty drinks or sugary snacks bc I’m human😝.)

The grandota thing is fair. I never used to mind it. I’m the second tallest member of my family (first is pops), taller even than my brother who is eight years younger lol. My mom is at least a foot shorter than me. But now it’s just mean spirited when she says it and it’s been happening a lot more lately.

So she sees me today, freshly showered and changed after my workout, just minutes after I took the photos above and goes: “are you training to be a wrestler? You’re getting fat!”

🙃

This is long enough so I won’t go into detail about the argument we had after. It’s not the first time she’s said these exact lines to me and I usually ignore them but i felt done today. And basically I told her to stop being passive aggressive about my body bc it’s rude and I’m tired of it (and she doesn’t get to talk shit when I’m actively trying to take care of myself and she doesn’t) and I don’t do the same to her. And then she got offended and said I should go live on a mountain if I don’t want people to make mean comments. 🙃🙃🙃

Story time over! Sorry for the loooong vent post.

[hiddenwashington]

yearly disclaimer that this is going to be LONG but i promise it’s GOOD!!!

hello my beloved hidden, it is my favorite day of the entire year, the year that i get to celebrate all of YOU. that i get to express my almost overwhelming gratitude to all of you incredible members, to my dear best friends on the admin team, to all the past members who still resonate within the heart of hidden. somehow, someway, hiddenwashington turns FIVE YEARS OLD today, and i am already in tears writing that sentence and we’ve just gotten started. when i started hidden, in some sleep deprived delirium at 2am five years ago (and then hitting the tags at 5am that same morning), i never once imagined i would still be here even a year, let alone 5 years later, still loving and cherishing every single moment i get to spend here. it has been the most rewarding, challenging, downright hysterical and overwhelmingly beautiful experience of my life to your head admin, to be the one that gave you all this special place to be unapologetically you. and you all have done that, whatever that means for you, you have been the reason that hidden is still here five years later. this place would never be the same without your influence. to whatever member is reading this, please know that i mean that, hidden would be so incredibly different without you as a piece of our history. i know that i sound a little cliché when i say that hidden is my home and yours, that you will always have a home in washington, but i mean it. i have never not meant that. this place is so special, it is a home to those who need it, a place to explore yourselves, to explore your characters, to create these incredible moments in writing, in the chats-- seriously, i cannot imagine a better place with a better group of people. i know i’m sappy, but like, members, i genuinely mean it, that you make this place as good as it is. we are so beyond lucky to have such talent on our dashes, to have such dedicated people writing. the replies that i read every day just blow me away. and that goes for any member-- to those who have been here for ten minutes, or ten months, who have been here since the very beginning, or those who left us, you are all some of the sweetest, most talented writers i have ever met. hidden is the warm and welcoming place because of all of you, because you all look out for each other. it doesn’t matter if you have spoken to someone for two minutes or two years, if you have no canon connections or whatever, you are all so warm and caring about each other. the community you guys create, it’s home. i have never laughed so hard in my life, than with some of the conversation we have had in the discord, i am constantly inspired by your writing on the dash, the development you all can create for your characters, it’s something that should be published for the entire world to see. if i could scream my love for you all from the mountain tops, just for a chance for the world to know how wonderful you are, i would. it’s my yearly duty to swap between tired mom, to proud mom. so please, give me a few moments to absolutely gush about the admin team that helps me stay even remotely sane every day. i’m so deadass when i say that they are some of the best admins in the entire world, the amount of work they put into the group, into all of the decisions that are made-- you only see a fraction of the work that i have the joy of watching in real time, but they really are as good as it gets and i need them to know how thankful i am for them. and friends, you only have to deal with me being this sappy like once a year so, deal, while i highlight all of you xoxo !!! gotta start with a shoutout to the other half of my brain, my right hand man, probably the only reason hidden is still going bc without them i’d have gone insane by now, sunny-- just thank you? like genuinely, sincerely, thank you. for everything. for allowing me to be unapologetically myself, for allowing your dms to be my space to vent, to joke, to dump a million messages, for helping solve every single issue that has come up, for sticking by my side for five full years now, for being such a genuine friend, for being the best dm out there-- like damn you put up with so much bullshit from us how have you not TPK’d us earlier. thank you for being the voice of reason, for being the nice admin, for calming everything when i want to just give up and throw my hands up in the air. i love you, like more than you know, more than i need to say. you’re p cool. ollie, my beloved, please, i’m begging you to use this anniversary to TAKE A BREAK. the fact that you have joined the team, having never been an admin before, and have become one of the best we’ve ever had is so impressive, i forget that you haven’t even been on the team an entire year. you put in so much work, you are the force we lean on (maybe sometimes too much, pls i promise ill make sure you get a break), you dedication to the main is awe inspiring and i cannot express how thankful i am to you for being here. for putting in as much work as you do. for being an admin for less than a year and being our top tag ???? insanity. but really, we would not keep going most days without you ollie, i hope you know it never goes unappreciated. i love you a lot, thank you. seriously. i don’t know if i can say it enough to express how much i mean that. aria, a powerhouse, an icon, the real owner of the brain cell, i seriously don’t think the main would be half as functioning or well researched without you. you somehow, always, end up finding the answers that we need, your knowledge of faceclaims is unmatched and i wanna be you when i grow up. minus the minion love but it’s forgivable today and today alone. your ability to solve so many issues that arise is incredible, and i hope you know how thankful i am for every minute you spend working on the main, answering fc suggestions and everything. also your icons are always the highlight of my day, i hope you know how loved you are, by me. specifically. idc about everyone else, i love you, thank you so much my friend ♥ cherry !! yet another majority shareholder of the team dumbass brain cell. i know i can always count on you to write the best messages to send out to people, to always know how to word things and almost decipher what we’re all trying to say when we’re just yelling. i am always so impressed by you, cherry, you are sincerely one of the most genuine, kindest people i have ever met, and you also know when to put your foot down, how to not take shit, like i really know we can always count on you to be there when we need the support. thank you, for everything, i love you. jodie, the absolute heart of the team, seriously, you are just everyone’s biggest supporter (even when its for the dumbest ideas) and i know you are always ready to throw down if someone is struggling. you are simply the most loving people i have ever gotten the pleasure to know, and i hope, similar to ollie, you take this anniversary to catch a break, and by that i MEAN GO TO BED AT A HUMAN TIME. but seriously, you are the heart of team dumbass and we would not be as close of a team without you and your laughing fits bc you did something you know is gonna get both of us yelled at. i love you so much, thank you. and finally, kasey, who does not wish to be perceived but they don’t get that choice today. the fire in our hearts, and it’s not just a pyro joke. you are the first to spot problems, but always know the solution, to be able to fix an issue before it even becomes one. i am genuinely so proud of you, and everything that you do, you have been so important in helping hidden become what it is today, even if half of it is from us yelling at each other, only to end with everyone yelling at us for being The Worst. i wouldn’t want anyone else to be my partner for our patrol. thank you for always being so incredibly genuine and loving the moment you know someone needs that. i love you so much friend, you know that. now back to bullying all of you because this was too long, too much, but seriously. hidden, you don’t know how lucky you are. i barely even realize how lucky i am sometimes. nothing has been as rewarding as being your head admin. and i love each and every one of you. thank you for allowing me this space, for being the best group of people i have ever met. here to hidden’s 5th year, and every year after that! i love all of you. 

much much love always, admin maig ♥

[eulangelo]

callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

[lilysdaydreams]

Boyfriend-girlfriend feelings ~

Pairing: Corpse Husband X Reader

Genre: Fluffy stuff.

Warnings: Um none i think.

Summary: Request where fem!reader has like a husky voice and it’s not like super deep but deep compared to the other female streamers and she joins the lobby w corpse and stuff as a substitute and everyone is supposed about her voice and calls her the girl version of corpse bc she’s faceless too, except her personality isn’t bc she’s super optimistic and stuff. Anyways her and corpse bond and later admit separately on stream that they like the other, then fluff? Thank you!!!!

A/N: This is my first request and I went a bit overboard lol, this is nearly 3000 words so Anon I hope you enjoy lol, but yeah I did my best, I really really really  hope you like it :((

~~~

You yawned and took a sip of your bubble tea before turning back to chat.

“Hmmm, what should we do now, everyone? I think I might end stream now, it’s been like nearly 4 hours.” you mumbled glancing at the time.

It was only 10, so it wasn't that late, but you’d been on stream for 4 hours and you needed to finish your essay.

Your phone lit up with a notification and you glanced at it to see that it was from Sean.

Sean: hey wanna play among us? We need one more person.

“Uhhh or maybe not.” you said to everyone, smiling as you saw the chat light up with excitement.

Quickly typing out a “yessss, send me the link.”, you let your viewers know that you were gonna be playing among us and then quickly opened up the game.

Opening up discord, you joined the group and realised the only person you actually knew here was Sean.

“Shit” you said, biting your lip.

“Guysss,” you whined to your viewers. “The only person I know here is Sean. I’m so nervous now.”

The chat blew up with “you can do it!” and “we believe in you!” and other supportive messages.

You smiled seeing all of this. Your community may be small, but they were probably the best ones out there. They were sweet and kind and there was barely any toxicity in the group. You were only a small streamer, doing it as a hobby since you started college. You only knew Sean because he had messaged you himself, inviting you to a game of Phasmophobia because he'd liked your previous videos where you played it. You had been shocked then, barely being able to comprehend that Jackspecticeye decided to Twitter dm you, like what the actual fuck. That had only been a month ago, and you had played again a week ago with him, but your friendship was still new so even though his presence made you a bit comfortable, the anxiety was definitely overpowering it.

“Okay, okay I can do it” you mumbled under your breath trying to hype yourself up.

Quickly joining the call, your ears were filled with the noise of everyone yelling about the previous game. Sean quickly yelled at them to shut up once he noticed you'd joined.

"Everybody, I have our tenth player, this is Y/N, say hi everyone."

Valkyrae was the first one to yell out "Hi" with everyone else chiming in as well, and you had to breathe in deep to stop yourself from fangirling over Valkyrae.

You awkwardly smiled and said "Hey guys, I'm Y/N, Its nice to meet everyone."

There was silence for a second and you narrowed your eyes, wondering if you were muted or something.

"Wait what oh my god, you're Y/N from Y/C/N?" Valkyrae said her voice going quite high.

"Oh, that's where I know you from," said Sykkuno suddenly, leaving you staring shocked at the screen. Sykkuno and Valkyrae knew who you were? What the actual fuck?

"Uhhh," you said eyes flickering between the chat and the screen. "Yeah, that's me, I didn't even think you would know who I was, um oh my god."

"Oh right, now I remember, you did a cover of dreamy night, right?" chimed in Lily, and by this point, you were almost having a panic attack.

"Oh god, you saw that?" you questioned, whispering because you were worried that you were gonna wake up from this dream soon.

"Yeah!" exclaimed Lily, "Your voice is like total opposite of mine, so it was really cool to hear! Your  voice is really nice!"

"Awww, thank you so much, that's so sweet of you to say," you said, wringing your hands, not really sure what to say. What the actual fuck, how were all you favourite streamers here and ALSO knew about you huh? You wondered if this was a dream.

"Yeah what the hell, your voice is so deep." said Poki.

"Right, when you said 'hi', I literally thought it was Corpse for a second," Dave replied, chuckling a bit.

You made yourself take big breaths, trying to make your heart calm down.

"She's not very much like Corpse though" Sean chimed in. "She's very sweet, and gets scared so easily."

You unmuted yourself and gasped exaggeratedly. "Excuse me Sean, but who was it who screamed so much in Phasmophobia and nearly made my ears bleed?

"That game is FUCKING scary okay?" He screamed back, making everyone laugh in the background.

"Hey guys, what did I miss?" a very deep voice came in suddenly, and you realised this was the 'Corpse' they were talking about. You had seen his popularity on Twitter and seen a few clips of him playing but god damn hearing his voice in your ears like that was fucking amazing. You squeaked, thankful you were on mute.

"Holy shit, his voice is deep," you said to the chat, immediately getting responses such as "We know!," and "SIMPPP" as a joke from others.

Giggling you unmuted yourself when Sean introduced you to Corpse, and nervously said "Hey", dragging it out at the end, "Its nice to meet you!"

"Oh yeah!" said Sean as if remembering something. "Y/N is faceless as well, so she kind of is like the  female version of Corpse."

"What?" "Oh my god." "Brooo, thats so cool"

You didn't have time to say anything back as Sean decided to start the game at right that second.

Everyone went quiet and you sighed in relief as "CREWMATE" flashed across your screen. You did not want to be an imposter right now, you wouldn't be able to stomach it.

Quickly hiding your chat, you moved to admin and started humming something to calm your heart down. This had been a crazy 5 minutes for you, and you really needed to calm down. Taking a sip of your drink, you talked to the viewers as you did the card swipe.

"I cant believe Valkyrae - oh I should just call her Rae, right? considering I'm playing with her right now, oh my god, ANYWAYS, I can't believe Rae and Sykkuno know me. Like Lily even saw my cover. Ahhh! I didn't even know she saw it, and now I'm just playing with them, im literally shaking," you rambled to the chat as you went towards electrical to do the tasks there.

You saw Poki there, and you both ran around each other and then you followed her as she started walking to reactor. Suddenly the lights went out, and you gasped as the report button went red, and you quickly pressed it.

"Okay okay," you said before anyone could speak. "Me and Poki met up in electrical, we went to reactor and I was doing the one two three four five six seven eight nine ten task, and she was doing the Simon says and then lights went out and I went off and then suddenly the report button was red. So the kill happened right now."

"Did you see anyone?" asked Toast?

"Nope, I saw no one."

"Well, it couldn't be Sykkuno, because we were both waking to electrical together," said Corpse,

"Yeah it couldn't be Corpse, we were together at the last moment," confirmed Sykkuno.

"I was in weapons," said Rae.

"Navigation." - Dave.

"I was already at Electrical with uh Lily I think," said Sean.

"Yeah, that was me." confirmed Lily.

"Toast where were you?" asked Rae.

"I was just going into navigation."

"Leslie?" you asked, noticing she hadn't spoken up.

"I was in weapons."

"Well one of you is lying." said Corpse softly making everyone laugh.

"Gee, I wonder what this game is about?" Sean replied, teasing him.

"Maybe it's a self report?" questioned Dave.

"No oh my god, it's not me," you said quickly defending yourself. "Poki and I were literally doing our tasks, I swear."

"I don't think it's Y/N, why would she report the body, there was no one around, and she could  have easily just vented somewhere."

"Are we skipping?" Leslie asked.

A chorus of "Yeah" came in so you quickly skipped. Going into weapons you did the shooting task there and then started towards navigation, letting out a gasp as you got killed suddenly.

"ITS SEAN?" You yelled, completely shocked. "How could he kill me like that, I just started playing with them, and he was the one who invited me as well!" you whined, brining the chat back in again.

Opening up the dead chat, you messaged ":(((((" and Poki did the same back. You talked to the chat for a bit, moving around until you got to electrical where Corpse was.

"Guys, it's Corpse, lets follow him," you said, smiling a little.

Just as he was leaving electrical, Toast came in and killed him. You let out a small gasp as he self-reported and pretended that he'd just stumbled onto the body.

"CORPSEEEE" you typed into the dead chat, laughing when Corpse responded with ":((((" just like you had done.

"Whose the other one?" he asked and you quickly typed in "Sean :((("

Corpse: "*GASP, he killed you after inviting you to the game?*"

You: "Ikr!"

Corpse: “that’s so rude, we should stick together next game so we don’t get killed easily."

You: "Yes let’s do that!”

You guys continued talking until the next round started.

"SEAN!" you yelled immediately. "How could you kill me like that, when you were the one who invited me?" you whined.

"Exactly Sean, that was so rude." Corpse chimed in, supporting you.

"Ah, uh, exc -" spluttered Sean, "Please, oh my god, I can't handle the both of you at the same time, it's too intimidating."

Everyone started laughing and you giggled as Corpse accused Sean of avoiding the question.

The next round started and you laughed when you both got double killed five minutes into the game. Seems like your strategy of staying together wasn’t that good.

You played a few more games with everyone, getting imposter with Poki once. Finally, you decided that you really should finish that essay that you had due.

Finishing your fourth game, you let everyone know, pouting when everyone groaned.

"It was really nice to meet you, Y/N" said Rae, "We should definitely play more!"

Everyone chimed in then and you said bye to everyone as you left the lobby. Just as you were leaving the voice call, you heard Corpse say "Bye Y/N" again, but you couldn't reply because you just left.

"Whoops," you mumbled, feeling a bit bad.

You quickly said bye to all the viewers and ended the stream.

Opening discord on your phone, you sent a friend request to Corpse, being shocked when he accepted in a second. Wasn't he playing still?

Typing out the message, you sent it before thinking about it too much.

"Hey, sorry, I heard you say bye at the end, but I left right then. Just wanted to let you know that I wasn't purposely ignoring you or something."

“Ahhh no worries,” he replied.

Then a second later; “I checked out your covers btw, you’re really good.”

“Oh, thank you so much,” you replied typing quickly. “Your songs are great as well. I have to admit they’re a bit too intense for me lol, as I normally only listen to ballads and stuff, but I loved agoraphobic with al my heart :((( literally listened to that non-stop for a week when it came out lol.”

Okay maybe I went a bit overboard, you thought staring at the message.

“Oh Thankyou, that means so much to me. And yeah, I know that not everyone likes this type of music, don’t worry about it. Actually, I was thinking of doing another Lo-fi type of song like Agoraphobic, but I’m still working on it.”

You settled into your chair, continuing on the conversation.

It was an hour later that you realised that you’d just been texting Corpse and not done the essay like you planned to.

“Sorry corpse, gtg,” you messaged, putting a string of crying emojis after.

Putting down your phone, you finally started working on your essay, ignoring the butterflies you’d had in your stomach for the past hour.

~~~

You guys kept talking. The next day he asked for your number, saying it’d be easier to text there than discord. You guys messaged for ages. Your conversations never ended because even if one of you had to go, you would just pick up the conversation from where you left. It was by far the easiest friendship you’d ever had, and if you were being completely honest, you’d kind of developed a small crush on him.

A few weeks later, you were streaming among us again, this time with another group. You died quickly in the first game, so you pulled up chat and started asking some questions.

“Corpse?” You asked reading one of the questions. “Ah I don’t know guys, I don’t think Corpse is coming to this game, he’s quite busy with his music and everything, and I don’t think he’s available today.”

“Do you like his music?"

"Yeah, his music is great. It’s sometimes intense for me,” you admitted giggling, “but I do love it. I actually really wanted to cover Agoraphobic or MISS YOU! They’re both my favourites and I’ve been wanting to... hmmm.. maybe I’ll do a poll on Twitter and see which one more people want?”

Suddenly a message caught your eye; “I kind of have a crush on corpse.”

You laughed out loud, saying the username and replying “Yah I think everyone who meets corpse ends up having a crush on him, like how could you not, he’s freaking perfect.”

When everyone started spamming chat though, you realized you might have said too much.

“Anyway guys look, I think Sykkuno might end up voting Rae, and oh he did it,” you laughed as the “defeat” screen came up and Rae started yelling at Sykkuno for not believing her.

~~~

The next day, Corpse was waiting as Rae asked people to join the lobby. Answering questions from his chat, he saw one about you and read it out.

“Is Y/N gonna play?”

“Ahhh, I don’t think so guys, I think she has an assignment or something. It’s been a bit since I played with her, it would have been nice to but yah I don’t think she’s available.”

Suddenly all the chat was talking about was you.

“Do you see the clip where she says she likes you?”

“Bhahah I think she has a crush on you lol”

“Did you see that clip?”

Corpse furrowed his eyebrows confused about what clip.

Another comment caught his eye.

“Do you like her?”

“Do I like her? Of course, I like her, it was amazing to meet her, her covers are great, she’s so nice, also she’s like the exact opposite of her voice, it’s so funny." He laughed remembering the photo you'd sent of all your plushies lined on the bed. "Yah no she’s really sweet, we’ve been talking a lot recently, it’s been fun.”

“SIMPPPPP”

“Omg he actually likes her.”

“CORPSE X Y/N”

“Oh don’t make her uncomfortable guys,” Corpse huffed as he saw the comments. “Yah I kinda like her, but y’all are too much” he muttered, before realising exactly what he’d said.

“Wait no, what.” he stuttered, “Um oh look Rae's found some more people.”

~~~

When you finally decided to look on your phone, you realised that your Twitter notifications were blowing UP. Quickly going into the app, you clicked on one of the mentions saying “CORPSE X Y/N, ITS REAL I CANT BELIEVE IT.”

Tapping the video underneath it, you listened as Corpse talked about you, blushing when you realised what it sounded like. But...he couldn’t actually have a crush on you... right?

He was probably kidding, you told your beating heart. Probably just wanted to go trending for something. A voice whispered in your mind that Corpse wasn’t like that but you didn’t wanna give yourself hope.

Just then your phone rung, making you jump and stare shocked at the screen when you saw Corpse with a yellow heart next to it. Corpse had never called you before.

Quickly picking up the call before it could go to voicemail, you shakily questioned “Hey corpse?”

“Uh hey,” he said, his voice sounding way too deep. “Sorry I normally wouldn’t call but like, I just got off-stream and saw the Twitter trends and everything. Um, I like - didn’t wanna, um make you uncomfortable with all that so I can tell them to back off if you want?”

“Um..” you said stalling, trying to process everything here. Deciding to oho full in, you just blurted it out, “Do you actually have feelings for me?”

“Like not just friend feelings", you continued, "but like the boyfriend-girlfriend feelings if you get what I mean.”

Immediately after saying that you wanted to slap yourself. Were you in 2nd grade? Like who the hell says boyfriend girlfriend feelings?

“Uhhh, I- I kinda do I guess, I like you but like it’s okay if you don-

“I do," you said cutting him off before he could finish.

“I um, I also like you.”

“Oh.

“Yah”

“Cool”

“Cool”

~~

Should I do a pt 2?

[notveryglittery]

so @/dysaniadisorder​ posted this really cute zoom moxiety art and then i posted some selfies in a discord server and the reactions from that + this moxiety art got me feeling even more Fluffy than usual so here’s a very rambly au that i stream of consciousness wrote in half an hour lol 

idk about anyone else, but i had a pen pal through english class in middle school for a little while. so what if, patton and virgil meeting through being pen pals. patton's letters are as bubbly as his stories, he includes stickers on the pages and the envelope, and uses *so many* exclamation marks. virgil meanwhile, tends to write very little and mostly just in reaction to whatever patton said. because sure, the letters are sent to the school and they've been told not to give away personal information, but y'know... Just In Case.

except for one towards the end of the program, when patton really doesn't want to lose contact with virgil, so he shares his instagram. and he says no pressure of course i dont even know if you have an instagram but here it is if you ever wanna try to keep talking. and bc roman's his best friend, of course virgil has instagram (ugh). so of course he checks patton's profile. and oh *no* he's as cute as his bubbly handwriting and his stories and stickers and exclamation marks

virgil's never really mentioned this whole pen pal thing to roman, because roman's english teacher did not sign her class up for it and he knows roman would be jealous. but he made the mistake of checking patton's profile in roman's presence and if anyone's going to notice a Gay Panic™, it's roman

so of course roman grills virgil and virgil caves bc like what?? else is he gonna do?? but anyway, roman hits the follow button for virgil but then virgil throws his phone across the room and breaks it so can we get an f in the chat

meanwhile patton's studying with his step-brother logan when he gets a little chime from his phone and? oh a new instagram follow that's neat, who's [insert cool username for virgil]? except of course virgil's profile is private so patton has to follow back to see any photos. except virgil's phone is busted! bummer

cue virgil not getting a new phone for a week or two bc idk he's in trouble for breaking the old one to begin with and by the time he finally does get a new one, he totally spaces on installing instagram. so it's like a month and a half later when roman asks him why the heck he hasn't been liking roman's pictures that virgil remembers. and then he also remembers patton. *oh god patton* how could he ever forget, he is a fool, and patton probably hates him now, or he must be super worried, bc the pen pal program is over so they havent been writing and then he just disappeared off the face of the planet which?? well patton should have expected it a little because he did say it would be okay if virgil didnt want to keep in contact but *oh god patton*

virgil installs instagram and finds patton's follow request (and like 32 comments from roman demanding that virgil like his photos what kind of best friend is he smh)

and he accepts it 

and then while he's still riding his bravery high, he messages patton "hey it's virgil" and then Very Calmly sets his phone down before screaming into a pillow

meanwhile patton's busy cheering logan on at his swim meet but this does mean that he's posting all sorts of encouraging cheesy stuff to his story which means virgil is already getting a sneak peak into patton's life and wait oh my GOD is that his voice???????

virgil is very gay and he is having a Time

anyway patton also almost breaks his phone when he sees the follow request approved *and* the message!!! because lowkey , he considers virgil a pretty close friend!! he vented in some of those pen pal letters! said some things he couldn't bring himself to say to anyone else. and virgil was always so patient and kind and reminded him of all the good things to help and balance out the bad things.

so y'know, fast forward thru lots of instagram interactions. messaging each other late into the night. virgil always liking patton's photos and leaving a single "💜" comment on every one. they talk about roman - and how he's virgil's best friend and he may be dramatic and loud but he's reliable and genuine - and they talk about logan - and how patton wouldn't know anywhere near as much as he does w/out him and how they have sleepovers in the basement every saturday.

and fast forward to moving on from instagram to discord, and joining servers of fandoms they're both in. making a server for themselves + roman + logan (and *oh boy,* introducing roman and logan). sending silly memes and posts that "made me think of you", late night texting that ends with one sending the final “i guess you fell asleep, sweet dreams <3″ message, and the other sending the “oops i did, good morning <3″ message in return 

and sure, roman might post pictures on instagram of himself and virgil, but virgil's always half-in half-out of frame or he's blurry or he's looking away. and so one day, he posts a selfie in their friend server because he's just got his hair dyed purple and he's *so excited* and patton. patton didnt even have time to prepare can we get an f in the chat

there are a LOT of keysmashes and hearts lol

roman is still laughing by the time patton manages to calm down. patton sort of flat out demands for a group video call aljsdf

logan and roman, all this time obviously because they can't be out done, have already had plenty of personal voice and video calls themselves. sometimes it's just to help roman run lines or help logan study for a test. but they have been on the receiving end of patton and virgil gushing about their respective crushes so they're in full support of this tbh

so they set up a group video call that night, roman and logan like immediately muting themselves bc let's be real we all know the real reason behind this. patton is gushing about virgil and virgil's hair like, right off the bat, and virgil is slowly but surely disappearing into his hoodie and the lighting in his room isn't very good, but gosh patton is *melting* and then

and THEN

patton pauses to finally drink out of his cooling hot cocoa and virgil takes the opportunity to clear his throat and sit up a little out of his hoodie cocoon and says thank you

and y'all we thought virgil was all Gay Panic™ when he saw patton's face in photos for the first time? and then he broke his phone when roman followed patton for him?

patton does a spit take and chokes on his hot cocoa and kind of maybe shorts out his laptop ajsdkjhsf

because we gotta go full circle baby

roman disappears from view on his camera because he just rolled off the bed he's laughing so hard

you know logan definitely anticipated this, so he's been on best buy's website this whole time, ready to find laptops on sale / schedule an appointment to get patton's laptop fixed

and uuuhhhh yeah :) pen pals to friends to lovers long distance moxiety, with background probably-qpr logince because that's the Vibe i'm getting. with bonus best friends prinxiety and familial logicality!! thanks for reading :D 

[oftheredmoon]

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

[son-of-skarmory]

((Alright, everyone’s been making posts about their mental health right now so I guess it’s my turn. This is just meant to be a general thing-I’m not targeting anyone (none of this is single-instance stuff), and my main goal is just to raise awareness of what it’s like on my end. I’ll go into minor detail about that in a bit.

Basically, I want to make a PSA about IMing me right now.

Details under the cut, and if you read I’d appreciate some notification (like a like or a message, or even an IM saying ‘read your thing’. But as usual, no pressure to do it. Do what you need to do for your mental health, too.

tl;dr is IMs are overwhelming so please don’t overdo them with me. You can send them but please give me time and space.

So, as some of you have heard before, chats and IMs can stress me out to no end. Even texting can do it, and group chats are the bane of my existence. I stress out over missing things, and it can tear my attention away from anything else because I don’t want the other person to be left hanging. So I don’t use tumblr’s chat rooms and I don’t use d.iscord.

‘But Wings!’ You say, potentially frustrated by my hypocrisy. ‘We IM all the time! You send me messages, so am I expected to not send you anything?!’

And, no, please hear me out. I can handle short bursts of messages if we’re in the middle of discussing something like and idea. I can also use chat features if there’s the mutual understanding that there’s zero rush to reply, or sometimes even to respond at all. But I can’t do constant, and I can’t do small talk.

Right now, amidst all this chaos, my mental health is really struggling. A quick summary (that you can skip if you want):

I’m constantly dealing with invasive and paranoid thoughts (the latter especially about Dad). I’m almost always overstimulated, and my brain feels like it’s been wrapped in tulle. I don’t ever feel like I’m not anxious and I’m crying nearly every day, which is scary because for me crying can trigger migraines. 

My dad, who I’m mostly stuck with, is a bigot with severe hearing loss, and even with his hearing aids in it’s too loud for me to be in the same room with him (which is where my computer happens to be). He barely helps me take care of Benny, who currently needs a lot of stimulation that I can’t give him. Dad is also at extremely high risk when it comes to C.OVID-19 (and please don’t make and comments or jokes about it maybe being a good thing if he dies).

Work is a complete mystery. If we can even run Summer Camps this year, we don’t have the same budget as most years since we had no Spring Break Camps, field trip groups, or Spring after school camps. So if we run camps in person, I have to change up my projects bc we’ll have a limited budget for special materials outside what the center already has. There’s also a possibility we’ll do Zoom classes from our houses, in which case I have to set up space, limit my materials even more (since we’ll be sending out a materials list for parents to buy, and they probably won’t want to purchase plaster or block printing ink), potentially even dropping some classes. And also I’ll have to look at my hideous body on camera since I have to make sure the kids can see what I’m doing (meaning I might need an overhead camera?). My retail job is...I have no idea.

Plus, as of May 1st I have no insurance, I have to find a new therapist and psychiatrist, and one of my meds costs over $250. And bonus if I do end up getting that tonsillectomy that was supposed to happen while I was on my parents’ insurance.

Between no work right now and whatever happens with Summer Camps, it’s gonna be a heavy blow to my finances. And since I’m trying to file for state insurance, I had to get kicked out of my savings accounts. I can ask Mom to send me some money from them if need be, but just the whole concept of having almost no access to that money in an emergency is terrifying, especially since I pay for Benny’s food and vet bills. I know that this one makes me sound like the entitled white girl I am but I’m scared, okay?

So...yeah. Everything is a bit much right now, but I really want to be here. I just want to lay down a few guidelines:

Please do not IM me just because I’m on. This is honestly one of the worst things. Sometimes it makes me avoid that account for the rest of the day.

Please do not expect me to hold small talk via IMs. You’re free to come to me with more focused topics, but don’t IM me for the sake of IMing me.

Understand that I might be very slow to reply, and in some cases I might not reply at all because I’m stressed by life stuff or have nothing to offer. If I don’t reply, it’s not because I’m ignoring you or don’t like you. I just need some time or space or both.

I’m not trying to say you can’t IM me. In fact, getting IMs can be a positive thing, because then I feel like I��m being thought about and am actually important to people (which is something I’m trying to deal with, I promise). Someone checking in can very super uplifting. I love talking about characters interacting. But just understand that chats and IMs and DMs can be very hard for me.

...Yeah. I’ll try to spread this around to the other blogs over some time. I’m sorry this kinda turned into a vent session, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Please make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well, and please know I love you very much <3 ))

[anxietysroomsupport]

I feel like I'm breaking down for the millionth time. I don't know who to talk to bc everyone is going thru the pandemic. I ask them how they're feeling but I feel like I'm a burden. My mom is the only one who asks how I'm doing daily, but she's so emotionally closed off that it seems like she doesn't care about my emotional wellbeing. I don't feel like part of my family. They seem so happy without me. I don't think that I'm going to keep connecting with them in the future. It makes me sad,

but I don't see another future. I try to show them things that interest me or that I made, but there's always a comment a make or it's not the right time. I feel like I any appreciation I do happen to receive isn't enough. I don't feel human and I almost so certain that I will never truly be happy.

Hiya anon,

No matter how much you may feel like one, I assure you you're not a burden. There are people who value and appreciate your existence, and you're always welcome here if you'd like to talk.

Just because your family seem happy without you, doesn't mean they're happy because of your absence. I don't think your mom would ask how you are each day without reason to, even if she's really closed off, it's likely she still cares about you. If you feel safe doing so, maybe next time she asks, you can tell her, "Actually I'm not feeling so great, is it ok if I vent for a while?" I imagine the worst she could do is not care, which you believe to already be true.

If you have friends you can vent to, but don't want to feel like a burden, something I know some friendship groups have done is create a discord or group chat solely for the purpose of letting everyone vent. The pandemic is affecting everyone, and I'm sure everyone is dealing with problems of their own, so create a space where you can all vent to each other without worrying about being the only one venting.

As for the future, well, you can never say for certain what will or won't happen. There are numerous accounts of familial relationships improving after moving out, but of course this isn't always the case. I can say though that you're bound to develop other meaningful relationships in your life. Of course you want your family's affection, you're human, and family's supposed to be a source of unconditional love. But they're not the only ones capable of giving you the happiness and affection you deserve, and I'm certain you'll be truly happy at some point in the future. Life has its peaks and valleys, but they always lead back to peaks again. You're not always going to feel this way. Xxx

Love~ Clover

[enbystede]

This Chat Says Gay Rights!

Yo so I started this Disney group chat fic lmao. If y’all have any requests for this au send them my way. Read also on AO3

jointhejamboree asked: Hey there! First of all, thanks for this blog! I really love all the resources you guys share. Secondly, I’ve been wanting to meet more people in the community, but I’m a bit intimidated by some of the groups that already exist, and how old some of them are. So I’m trying to start a discord server for lgbt+ kids under 16. If you could post this so anyone who was interested could dm me, I’d really appreciate it! Thank you!

lgbt-support answered: no problem buddy! I’m glad this blog has been helping you!

If any of you kids out there want a place to talk, send a message to @jointhejamboree!

~~~

glindareference: hey, could I join your server?

jointhejamboree: sure! [link]

jointhejamboree: here you go!

~~~

likeahurricane: whatsupfellowteens.jpeg

likeahurricane: anyway what’s up can I join the server

jointhejamboree: ofc! [link]

likeahurricane: *dabs*

jointhejamboree: *dabs back*

~~~

troopreads: can I join your discord?

jointhejamboree: yeah sure! [link]

troopreads: thank you!!

~~~

bowsandblitz: im lesbian. server pls.

jointhejamboree: yes miss lesbian [link]

bowsandblitz: kdkskdjah thank u <3

~~~

Baby Gays

Saturday 13:46

Mickey created the chat!

d duck joined the chat! Score!

pinkmouse joined your party!

d duck: what’s up fellow lgbts

Mickey: its introduction hours time

gooftroop just slid into the server!

gooftroop: hiya everyone!

itsdaisytime is here!

Mickey: cool! Everyone is here! Feel free to change your nickname in the chat and send a little intro thing I guess???

Mickey: lmao ive never done this before sorry

Mickey: anyway, I’m Mickey, I’m 14 and I use He/Him pronouns. My tumblr is jointhejamboree. I’m a huge theatre nerd and I’m here today to say I’m the worlds biggest gay

Mickey: oh also you don’t have to share your identity if you don’t want to

pinkmouse: minnie, 14, she/her or they/them, @glindareference, also a theatre nerd (weird coincidence lmao) I’m a trans girl and I’m not totally sure yet but I know I’m not straight : )

d duck changed their nickname to donald

donald: what’s up nerds I’m your local grunge enthusiast. I’m 13 and my tumble is @likeahurricane. I’m trans (he/him) and ,,,, uh,,,, not straight (lol I feel you minnie) but I’m also super in the closet irl so that’s. A thing.

itsdaisytime changed their nickname to Diamond Daisy

Diamond Daisy: I’m Daisy, I’m 14 and I’m lesbian. Pop music gay and femme af. @bowsandblitz

gooftroop: how do you change your name??

Mickey: if you like I can do it for you?

gooftroop: oh thanks! I’m not great with tech whoops. Could you change it to Goofy please?

Mickey changed gooftroop’s nickname to goofy

Mickey: done!

goofy: thank you Mickey!

goofy: I’m Goofy, I’m 15, I’m bi and I run a book blog called troopreads. Also in the closet so you don’t need to worry, donald.

Mickey: oh ya, big mood. We Stan the closet at this point in our lives! Esp when that thing keeps us safe!

pinkmouse: who wants to leave the closet, there’s wifi in here.

Diamond Daisy: well, I’m out to my family. But I guess I didn’t have to worry so much bc my sister and aunt are gay so I knew I would be supported.

donald: thats actually so cool. i wish I had gay relatives.

Diamond Daisy: it is pretty cool, not gonna lie. But I do still understand, I’m terrified to come out to my friends.

donald: welcome to gen z where as soon as there’s a safe open space everyone starts venting their issues at once

pinkmouse: we stan

donald: also wait hang on

donald: am i the youngest??

donald: thats so wild

Mickey: babey

donald: shhhhh

donald: fr tho I’ve always been the oldest . Oldest sibling, oldest cousin. This is weird lmao.

goofy: -pats u on head- we’ll look after you

donald: bless

Diamond Daisy: we stan our resident trans baby!

donald: djajjdjskdjsk SHUT

pinkmouse: all my uwus

donald: u i will allow bc ur my trans sister

pinkmouse: oh. shit.

donald: ??

pinkmouse: sorry. just. That’s actually the First Time someone has referred to me as a sister and I’m. Wow. Feels Good ™.

donald: OH WOW I LOVE MY TRANS SISTER MINNIE

Diamond Daisy: WE LOVE OUR DARLING SISTER!!!

Mickey: minnie is our favourite sister and that’s facts! (Sorry Daisy lmao)

Diamond Daisy: i will allow this. once.

goofy: Minnie seems like a really good sister :)

pinkmouse: YOU GUYS IM GONNA CRY HOW DO I ALREADY LOVE YOU WE MET LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR AGO

donald: scared lgbt kid solidarity

Diamond Daisy: worm

Mickey: mmmm big mood

pinkmouse: thanks you guys <3

goofy: I gotta go, my ma is calling me to go shopping with her.

donald: yeah I should finish my hw w/ my sister dumbella

Diamond Daisy: I know sibling banter is a thing but dumbella?? You really call her that??

donald: our parents called her that. thats her real name.

Diamond Daisy: WHAT THE FUCKLANDMWNSJOS?!!!?!?!?,,????!!?,,,?!!??!

donald: my legal name isnt much better. can’t wait to change that bitch.

pinkmouse: Big fuckin mood

~~~

Baby Gays

Sunday 11:14

donald: sound off gays whomst here has a Fucked family life

Rest on AO3 (tumblr won’t let me post all of it :/ )

[kae-karo]

I feel like tumblr is replacing me in every way in the lives of the people I care about. My friends care more about the notes they get or the cool blogs that talk to them than they do about me and its frustrating to the point where I want to delete the app even though ive been in the phandom for years bc every time they even make vent posts I feel sick and its selfish but we always confided in each other and now I just feel shoved into a corner every day and wonder what I’m doing wrong what do?

For more context, I could say anything and get a one word response but then some random blog with a lot of followers says the same thing and I get to hear about how funny they are and of course everybody else loves them its just me that’s sitting here wishing my friendship was equal to that. Am I just taking bring left out to seriously?

oof hi dear, i’m sorry to hear that :( but please never ever feel like your feelings are invalid. if it’s upsetting you, it’s worth addressing. now, i hate to be the person to say this bc i know it’s not the first thing people want to hear, but have you tried saying this to those friends? explaining how you feel and why you’re upset? sometimes people just don’t realize they’re doing it, and a gentle reminder or expression of how you feel can help set things back to normal

that being said, i know it’s v possible you’ve already done that. so one thing would be to talk to your friends individually - idk if this is all in a gc (group chat) or not but it can be really easy to ignore (or sometimes just to miss) something someone’s said when there are tons of other people there. perhaps try talking directly to your friends individually and see if that seems to make a difference? especially with those vent posts, sometimes that’s just how some people express that they might need someone to listen in a space that isn’t as wide open as a gc, or they may just need a reminder that you’re there and you care and you noticed they needed to get something off their chest, so maybe next time they feel that way, they feel more comfortable coming directly to you in a one-on-one environment

now, my last piece of advice (and the one that uhhh maybe you won’t like so much): just,,,,,stop? and i mean that in a couple ways

if it’s bothering you that these people aren’t treating you like a good friend anymore, stop talking to them. try to find new people who don’t seem so obsessed with tumblr/tumblr fame, or maybe try to meet some people irl who you may share some interests with. and i’m trying to say this in a way that doesn’t come off as cold and heartless, bc that’s not my intent here, but distancing yourself from people who only tend to make you feel bad (even if it’s unintentional or indirect) is good for you

stop caring (not about everything all the time, again, i’m not saying become a heartless person) if you say a thing to these friends, click send and immediately, in your head, go “look i said this thing because i wanted to say it and i’m not going to let their responses or lack thereof dictate how i feel”. and i’m not saying that’s easy or that it’ll work every time or even half the time but it can work sometimes and the more you say it the more your mentality changes. your happiness shouldn’t be dictated by how others perceive you, and it sounds like your friends may have lost sight of that (given what you’ve described as their obsession with tumblr fame)

and i know trust me i know it’s a hard thing to do, especially if you’ve been good friends with them in the past (i’m speaking from experience, shockingly) but you can always try it out and see how it goes. and remember that people grow and change and sometimes that means growing apart - and that’s okay, even if it’s a bit sad, because you all deserve just as much a chance to learn and grow and be the person you want to be, and sometimes that just can’t be done together

[roachie-oats]

so like

recently ive been thinking of . Putting out a little thing abt myself to my followers and whoever else might be reading this that actually cares about my blog or me

it’s kind of just a story about my time associating with the members of that old dirtygfconfessions blog, and. I think it’s time i genuinely told the whole story here. I guess I want to because then I can send this to people who are curious, and it just helps to get it off my chest

Warning: this post includes mentions of sensitive material.

i used to be one of the mods of the dirty gravity falls confessions blog.

we used to have a skype group chat for all of the mods of the blog. The name changed a lot

The stuff we did there are both things i did regret and things i dont regret.

i can tell you this - it was not for the fainthearted. Before i was desensitized, i remember having a panic attack when somebody sent a picture of a real, disfigured and busted open body that i really don’t want to get into the detail about. We used slurs. We made the most offensive jokes we could think of.

I had fun, mostly around the beginning. Of course, I didn’t feel welcome despite them never telling me i wasn’t.

I felt the most fond of the mod leader we called bip. I was scared of him, too, however.

There were times where i left the chat because my feelings were hurt, but i always came back.

Eventually, when gf ended and when the blog died down, we just became a general chat. They eventually made a discord server.

Then, in came some people we called roxy, blaze, lily, and other people. I’m not calling them by their newest names i’ve heard because i don’t want a lot of people going “i know who they are!” And trying to harass them.

Please don’t bother these people. I don’t even want them to know I’m talking about this. It wouldn’t matter if they did, though, but whatever. The way I refer to them is also to further protect their current identities, so please don’t bitch to me about it if you know them.

Anyway, i was fond of lily, too. I never felt close to blaze and I never will.

Roxy was. Something. By that I mean roxy was very guilt-trippy and made everyone uncomfortable despite our efforts to tell her to stop doing whatever it was that we didn’t enjoy. After a dispute that directly involved me (she was trying to antagonize me because of a fetish), we kicked her out. For some reason, the mods (especially bip) still talked to her even though they always said how shitty she was in the group chat. Bad sign already.

The stuff in between was a blur, but i remember i still went on and off of the chat because of personal issues.

At some point I did something to make blaze uncomfortable, i don’t want to say what it was but i can assure you i never did it again. Also, i barely remember it anyway.

After that, blaze did everything in their power to make me look like a bad person, argue with anything i said or thought, and get me kicked out of the chat for the most irrational reasons. I remember he “jokingly” kicked me out of the chat because i liked sausage party, and ignored me when i asked when he was going to add me back.

He started arguments with another member who, admittedly did go too far with things, but wasn’t a bad person at heart in the slightest.

Blaze went as far as to claim this person was transphobic and faked being trans, even though the person never made any claims of being trans and didnt even comment anything bad about stuff like that.

What sucked was how blaze got away with all of this, and was one of the closest people to the admin, bip.

He was manipulative as all hell, and started dating lily and tried to control her. He WAS in a relationship with somebody else named Maddie before lily. However, he cheated on her with this other person. And the whole chat blamed the person he cheated on with, instead of blaze. They kicked the person out.

I used to send lily hearts all the time because i guess I practically loved them. I was about a year or two too old, though. Maybe three. We weren’t over 18 yet, though. At some point, i was told by bip and blaze to stop sending hearts to lily bc it made them uncomfortable. I agreed not to, but I did feel like this wasn’t something lily would have other people tell me, so i felt like blaze was being controlling and possessive of lily. When i pointed this out to them, lily told me to mind my own business. Red flag.

More conflict rose between me and blaze.

I decided i wanted to just try to talk to blaze, i was as calm as i could be and i tried being really understanding, because i knew he hated me. I wanted to fix things between us, or at least stop all the arguments and shit, but he refused, telling me he didn’t want to say how he felt about me. He didn’t want to talk about any of it. So i left him alone.

I think at that point I left or something because I didn’t want to be in that chat since they were so manipulated by him.

In another light, during all of this, i did have chats with bip. And honestly, we even sent nudes and other sexual content to each other. But we only did it if bip consented. I always asked him if he wanted to send pictures or videos, and i always reassured him that if he didn’t want to, he didn’t have to. End of story.

Hell, i told the whole chat if i ever made them uncomfortable, they could tell me. I didn’t want to be the next Roxy. They never did tell me until that second to last point that i left when i did happen to make them uncomfortable by talking about a sexual attraction to a character they valued in terms of childhood, and they were angry about it. i got angry, too. (and no, it was not a problematic figure)

Later, bip and i talked again. I don’t remember why, but we did. i probably started it for some reason. He told me he got rid of blaze because the chat realized how manipulative he was. He said i could join the chat again if i wanted to. So i did.

I was scared. And i was right to be. Not only did i feel even more unwelcome, i felt humiliated. I decided to search for any mentions of me because i was so scared of what they said about me while i was gone.

It was horrible.

They deliberately sought out my blogs and made fun of my art, looked through my vent accounts and called me names because i had beliefs different from theirs, said i always made them uncomfortable, and at some point bip himself tried to word his statements as if i forced him to send pictures. he pretended he didn’t consent to it.

Bip had apologized to me for the shit they did the day i looked through those messages. I feel sick just thinking about this.

I got so upset that i left again and blocked everyone associated with it. I vowed never to return to them again. I’d rather die than have to deal with them. I always felt unwelcome and hated when i was in that chat. I always felt like the people wanted to hurt me and wanted me to die.

They did. They said i should just die.

[sambashua]

hello friends!! to kick off 2018 i thought i’d spread a bit of mutual love:) this blog has now been around for a year and a half and i can’t even begin to count all the wonderful people i’ve met here. and for the many people i have just recently met i hope our friendship can grow in the new year!

please understand that i love and value you all fiercely and i truly want this year to bring nothing but happiness and success for everyone. i am always here to listen if any of you need to talk♡ everything will work out! you got this! 

below the cut are all my most cherished mutuals and loves

#-h:

@17dad @181217 @22woozi @2heejun @3rracha @aceshua @aka-minhyukuu @amessence @angelyoons @atshinee @bubkwan @burgerkingrapking @bynnybyung @cutiepatoodie @definitelythis @dongyonce @dowoon-yoon @emberandcelica @everyonesabiaswrecker @fooderaser @frxggi @g-te @gay7 @gigglyoongi @h0shii @healinghoshi @hellazelo @honestlay @hwallsgrl 

i-n:

@ilyjs @j-jimin @jaehyunscult @jinwoosmoles @junghansgf @jungyoh @justanotherfellowarmy @justsomekpopstuff @kae-popx @kihqun @kimblingbling @kpopsinarios @leetaeycng @lollipopp3725 @lovjeon @milky-waee @min-yoongle @minghaeo @minghaosamor @minigguk @missing-tonight @mjukbebi @mochisgrl @neojaehyun @nohteahyun @notsospookyrai

o-z:

@ofhoshi @ongbins @opossuum @ournaturesunnatural @peachesandkili @pledisgal @princesselkie @shinwrons @shuaplum @silentrobincall @softcheols @song-qian @sparky00997 @squishyshua @squishywonu @squishywooji @svthansols @sweetalking @taeismyking @the-bees-niece @witchywonhui @wonjunwoo @wonuverse @xiumallow @yongpal-i @yoonsunha

now for mushy messages♡ (i wish i could write more but this would truly get embarrassingly long)

@strawberryboo emmaaa how i ever have been lucky enough to meet such a wonderful human on this trash site honestly. you’ve been there for me in so many ways probably more than you’ll ever know! you are such a light of joy in my life and i am so thankful that we continue to talk every day and thank you for listening to everything i have to say and always being up for me to drown you in new groups (okay look at me going off brand w all these lowercASE)

@s-lay-ing claudia! cloud! CLOUD! you’ve slowly but surely become one of my favorite people ever:) we don’t talk too often but every time we do it is so special to me and you can always make me smile! (even when you’re trying to calm em and i down) thank you for always being up for anything and for always managing to make the best out of any situation (y para siempre conversa conmigo en my español roto)

@hoshi-ssi valentina♡♡♡ i can’t express how special you are to me:) you were my very first friend on this site and you made everything so much more special bc it’s always better to share what you love w someone!! bc of you i am a soonwoo bitch which is something to be thankful for by itself and thank you for all your lovely cat pictures and always letting me vent to you♡

@jungnoir majestie!!!!! okay so you are such an amazing, talented creative gal and like how can someone as cool as the maj chat on the daily w a dork like mEe? (i think you might be *looks both ways* a cool dork) but thank you for always being so open and fun to talk to! we never run out of things to day and i think that’s really significant bc i suck at continuing conversations honestly (MIRMAJ/MAJMIR FOREVER)

@1jeonsomi ivy! the light of my life and softest same age friend!! i’m so glad you reached out to me way back in june:) as my first friend primarily a gg stan i think you have really curved my kpop life haha we always have.. interesting conversations to say the least! i thank you for always confiding in me and trusting me and i hope we can get into more groups together in the future (honest why didn’t we think of it earlier??)

@babybyuny KOLBO you are always so funny whenever you come on the chat and such an amazing storyteller?? even tho we don’t talk as much i cherish you so dearly and i hope YOU CAN COME INTO THE CHAT MORE OFTEN!!! (this is a callout) even tho we always roast you you’re always a good sport we are the roasted duo together so i feel your pain

@blacklioness15 mel~~ you are such a bubbly sweet person! whenever we talk i learn something new just bc you’re such a fun gal like who is more fun than mel? no one lbr. i always enjoy your stories and your 30+ messages you leave me even if i take 804937 years to respond jfhg thank you for brightening my days!

@papajinjin audra! this bitch! all jokes aside you are a really lovely person (once you dig through allll the salt) who’s gotta lotta love:) thank you for always making me feel empowered and encouraging me to believe in myself! i believe in you too! you’re one of the smartest people i’ve ever met and you can do anything you set your mind (and salt) to

@yongceo jen bean! honestly the sweetest girl and most caring person♡ you have so much passion for everything you do and i admire that so much. i wish we talked more often bc you are so chill and calming! i love you a whole bunch and you can bet i will display my love in the form of junhyung, cheol and wonu pics♡

@jeonuwonu jacintaaa you are such a relaxed person and you always teach me new things! we live such different lives but are so similar on the inside it’s so wild~ i hope we can continue to talk and thank you for being a wonderful and caring human♡

@indiepoptime JAMIEEEE hello! even tho we started talking very recently i already consider you a friend i can confide in:) you are so talented and sweet and thank you for being so easygoing and chill and always being up for a good time!

@lipstick-chathao charlie! char! charmander! my newest, but very dear friend! you are hilarious in everything you do which is pretty much everything i aspire to be. thank you for being so open and crazy whenever i am! i think we match really well and i hope we continue to! #cheermanderforlife

also to my lovely friends irl i hope i express myself enough in person how much i love and cherish you all w my whole heart:D

a special shoutout to the @donghyuckdaily and @wonplis fam:) dani, olivia and zaya you guys always fill me w joy♡

and lastly thank you to everyone who follows this trash blog you’re the ones keeping this mess of a woman together

[cwombw]

so.... somebody i was dating up until about an hour or two ago is abusive and an abuse apologist

i’m gonna keep it short and im going to leave out a lot of things from public view unless somebody asks to see it, mostly for my peace of mind, literally no other reason, rest assured i have chatlogs and screenshots of what happened between us.

edit: the person in question is jeremytheman and runs a few other blogs including a dear even hansen kin aesthetics blog, he also runs kinsational, a kinchat i originally created myself. (it was dumb to give him server owner permissions, i know.) if you are in kinsational i implore you to leave. i will be remaking kinsational myself later.

lets just start off with this copy paste i have here bc it sums up what happened.

nicc-Today at 2:06 PM

hes abusive and an abuse apologist i told him about somebody who hurt me and my girlfriend and he instantly sided with them despite not having any proof that i was lying he called me a liar multiple times within the past hour, accused me of manipulating him and abusing him and abusing this person. even after i gave him all the proof i could he admitted to having lied about loving me and being happy with me and accused me of making him feel suicidal

screenshot of the message so im not accused of faking it. (fixed some typos in the c/p lol)

last night i had a huge breakdown where because of something my girlfriend said to me and has been saying to me for a short while now, i thought that i HAD to dump both this person and my other boyfriend in order to not make my gf jealous or hurt anymore, it literally tore at my heart and after sleeping on it after talking to star about it i realized that i could be with them anyway, it wasn’t my fault nor was it on me because star made me think that and star was the one who needed to change, not me. i apologized to both of them.

i was in the middle of trying to figure things out with jeremy (debated whether or not to name drop him..) when somebody who i already have a callout for joined this kin server we were both in that i had JUST joined moments prior. panicking i pushed him away and left the server and blocked the server owner. immediately upon talking to the person i called out jeremy decided that i was lying and trying to abuse this person with no proof from their side and proceeded to hound me for proof (which i gave all that i had to him but apparently it wasn’t enough. this is ironic considering he believed me about my abuser before despite having the same amount of proof.) panicking, upset, and very hurt i split on him and tried both to convince him that i was telling the truth and cushion the inevitable by saying coping statements (even if unhealthy) such as “you never loved me”, etc.

he started accusing me of guilt tripping him and being abusive, explicitly stating that he thought i was abusing him. he then admitted that he has been lying and hiding how he’s really felt towards me since day one (which is essentially summed up to “i never loved you”)

he said that ive made him miserable and suicidal and says that him betraying me isn’t an excuse for me “abusing” him

he said that me leaving chats he was in to avoid people i didn’t want to be around or me leaving group chats he’s in because i want some alone time and i feel like i’m not good enough to be included in his dating circle is abusive and manipulative. this is straight up a tactic that my abuser has used against me in order to control me, which he would know about, considering that i have shown him what my abuser has done to me before.

he said that me saying i wanted to kms is abusive and manipulative, further fueled by the fact that i am genuinely suicidal, according to him. he knows that i am off my anti depressants, having vented about it before where he could see it, he also knows that i have attempted before, so i have a complicated relationship with suicidal ideation.

he says that me saying nobody cares about me is manipulative and guilt tripping, except that i don’t say it to do that or even think about it like that, its just me venting, because i genuinely believe that it is true unless im having a good day, which is rare now due to me being off my meds and not being able to see a therapist for some time now, another thing he is blatantly aware of.

i tried begging him to talk to me about things, i offered to drop my stance about defending myself and my girlfriend against the person i had called out and listen to him which he then called another guilt tripping/manipulation tactic, which, while i was desperate to just.. make him believe i was telling the truth and to not leave me, again, i never thought of it that way, nor did i intend for it to be that way, if anything i was hoping that he would at least talk things out with me properly if i stopped being so headstrong and brash.

i have no idea if he plans to turn people against me or make a callout for me, i hope not.

i myself have been telling people what hes done to me and how hes made me feel (more than one occasion has made me feel worthless and made me want to die, among other things) not to turn others against him but to warn him about the kind of person he is, if they side with him, that’s their decision, but i really don’t want to be around the people who would side with him about what went down, considering the context.

if you know him or have met him and you believe him and the person i called out please go ahead and let me know i will remove you from my life. i don’t do devils advocate and i dont do spies.

[kenmaash]

huge ass vent

huge fucking vent ahead:

two of the people i'm ab to talk about follow me and i'm in deep shit if a certain one of them sees this (ALSO JAMIE IF UR READING THIS SHUT UR GODDAMN MOUTH AT SCHOOL)

i'll be using fake names for everyone but if anyone involved is reading this, they'll know who they are

ok so my love life is fucking WEIRD ok?

my first relationship was in early august 2019 and with this girl we’ll call jess. i had liked jess for like 2 months and finally got the balls to ask her out. she said yes and we went on like 2 dates before she broke up with me. she said that it would be ‘too hard to date someone who didn’t go to the same school as her’ which tf, and also she didn’t want her moms to know. even though they literally already knew. 

either way, i developed a crush on a girl in my class named ‘rose’ pretty fast but it was only a “shit she’s hot” crush so it did nothing. and that only lasted like 9 months simply thinking she was hot as fuck and nothing romantic.

that same year in november, i met this person named angel (fake name) at a dance. they were wearing a suit but also makeup and i was like “uh yes i want this one please” so i asked them out. well, my friend asked them out for me. angel an i exchanged numbers and started dating. we dated FOR 5 MONTHS before angel finally told me that they only had platonic feelings for me and had only liked me as a friend this whole time. i was so relieved because i felt the same way but was too scared to say anything. we’re still best friends and they’re still number one on my prettiest people list (ily ‘angel’ lol). they also helped me figure out my sexuality and gender identity so i owe a lot to them <3

ok here’s where the fucking weird shit starts.

(the rest is below the cut)

WEIRD ASS LOVE LIVE CONTINUED

ok here’s where the fucing weird shit starts.

in march-ish of 2020, i met this girl online named allie. we were best friends for 2 months before she confessed to me and we started dating. i fell in love super fast and ended up breaking up with her because i was afraid of what being in love with someone i hadn't met in person would come out to. the two weeks we were separated were the worst two weeks of my whole life (at the time) and i couldn't live without her. one of my best online friends confessed to me and i was just kinda like :’) and pretended to like her until i just couldn’t anymore.

like a week after that, i apologized and explained myself and we got back together. just for allie's mom to find out about us in august and block me, take her phone, threaten me and allie, and leave it at that. 

a little while later, i started talking to this girl (also online bc im literally stupid and didn't learn my lesson) and we started dating. that one lasted a week before i realized how much we weren't compatible. she was cool to have as a friend, but she was way too clingy and obsessive for me. i broke up with her and said i would wait for allie because she was much kinder to me and better for me.

a month or so later, a girl at my school (we'll call her taylor) admitted she liked me. i was up for dating because i thought it would help me get over allie.

it didn't, and i broke up with taylor after 'dating' for 2 days. (a pattern starts here)

allie's birthday was in october, and i tried to text her to see if she would respond, just wishing her a happy birthday etc.

she answered me.

allie and i talked for a little bit and i asked if she still had feelings for me and if it was still okay for me to call her my girlfriend. she said no, and it literally crushed me. she said that she was actually aromatic (doesn't feel romantic attraction) and i helped her figure that out. because she didn't love me.

so you can imagine how i felt then,,, i was so upset but obviously i didn't tell her. i asked if we could still be friends and she said yes. i had to leave to go to school so we said bye and i left. that afternoon, after school, i texted her again and asked how her birthday had gone. my message didn't deliver. the next day i asked if she blocked me, just to be sure. didn't deliver. so i tried again the next week and of course it didn't deliver. i tried to forget about her after that, but i still woke up every morning worried that something happened. fast forward to late december, when i developed feelings for one of my best friends (we'll call her sam).

my best friend figured out that sam liked me too, and we started dating. it lasted 48 hours before she told me she actually didn’t like me like that. (see what i meant about a pattern? it keeps going)

new years eve! i’m hanging out with my best friend and they decide to text allie. remember her? so allie answers and says she actually unlocked me a little while ago. so i text her from my phone and we talk.

only to have this girl tell me she’s actually not aromantic, she’s cis straight and has a boyfriend (she used she/they and identified as a lesbian when i dated her), and she lied to me the entire time we dated. she said she never loved me and she was “lying to herself as much as she was lying at me”. then she starts quoting bible verses at me and says “i don’t have a problem with other people being gay, i just can’t be. i just can’t”. and my friend and i agreed that she’s probably in denial and her church brainwashed her after her mom found out about us.

so she says that shE WONT BLOCK ME BUT WONT TEXT ME UNTIL WE’RE 18 (very soon) SO WE CAN MEET???????????? AND SHE WANTS TO MEET ME AND BE MY FRIEND????????????????? so i blocked her ass

-[let me bring up a creepy dream real quick. a few nights earlier, i had a dream that i met allie and we just hung out as romantic partners. she kissed me, hugged me, and i said goodbye. she just smiled sadly and said “sayonara, ash” WHICH IK HUGE BANANA FISH VIBES BUT in japan, “sayonara” is only supposed to be used if you’re never going to see someone again. in the dream she said sayonara to me and then this happened. i’ll never see the girl i knew again…]-

after that encounter happened, me and my best friend agreed that 2021 would be our year of getting over the people we’ve been in love with since march (allie for me and this other girl in our friend group for them). then 2021 came...

on like the 10th of this month (january lol), this girl in my class started flirting with me. i flirted back bc there’s no harm in that yk lol. she was straight but ended up turning queer because of me. i went WAY too fast and shoved myself into a relationship with (we’ll call he summer). she ignored me the entire time the ‘relationship’ happened. it lasted 48 fucking hours (i’m really just moving through these girls in my friend group like thatttt) before i told her i rushed myself and didn’t actually have feelings for her. she was like “lol fine” and then badmouthed me to our entire grade for the rest of the week. she was on our friend group group chat and started badmouthing me there too, but one of my best friends just removed summer’s sorry ass and we all blocked her on everything. i’ve been in this friend group for 6 years and she’d only been officially in it for a week, so idk why i was so surprised that my friends were so loyal to me through this whole thing.

ANYWAYS, the day after i broke up with summer, i realized i had feelings for sam again. i’m not going to act on them because i love her too much as a best friend, but the feelings are there and she follows me so im kinda dying lol. (i also figured out recently that she didn’t rly understand relationships and though that people who dated only dated when they were fully in love with each other, and she was in love with me back in december and had been for a while. she only fell out of love when i reciprocated,,, so uh :D)

i also spend $80 on stuff for sam yesterday and my fucking caRd dECLINED WTFFFFFFF AMAZON??

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tyvm for sitting through this, anyone who decided to do that <33

[steamishot]

Start of June

it feels like a lot and nothing has happened the past few weeks. what i mean by this is that there’s a lot going on in the world regarding the BLM movement, but i haven’t left my house much or at all to be engaged in it myself. the week of the riots, i heard lots of sirens, explosions/gun shots?, fireworks, helicopters, etc. in the comfort of my own home. my social bubble is mostly all minorities as well, and pro-BLM. i’ve never seen my social media become entirely political, which makes sense as the majority of us are in a stay at home order and are more involved now in social media than ever. that said, i’ve enjoyed reading the discussions, and am trying to educate myself more on the matter. 

on may 23, hana kimura passed away from suicide at age 21 due to cyberbullying. she was a japanese pro wrestler and was cast in one of my favorite reality tv shows, terrace house. she was part of the last season that just aired. although i didn’t particularly like or dislike her in the show, i thought it was devastating that she took her own life, and how eerie it was that we watched in entertainment the few months prior to her death/what essentially led to her death. my heart was heavy a few days for her. on may 26, protests for george floyd began in minneapolis. by may 28, protests had spread to LA and other large cities. shortly after, protests turned into riots/looting and our country became a shitshow. curfews were implemented at like 5pm at one point. for me, it didn’t really make a difference. but my dad’s employees were afraid of getting arrested for being out past curfew bc they were working. we supplied them with employment verification letters. my black friend k, also mentioned she was afraid driving to work for her night shift due to the curfew and being black. her employer also provided a letter. i felt like what we had been fearing since the start of COVID finally came true. i don’t know what to expect in the future.

running: i’ve been staying consistent with this, and tracking my time/efforts is definitely effective. compared to my strength/HIIT workouts in which i do more casually, i can see point blank that i’ve made improvements in running. strength wise, i *think* i’ve improved, but also don’t keep track of any reps as literal proof of improvement. there are pros and cons to this as well- i put much more pressure on myself when i run, and feel disappointed when my time is slower than anticipated. i’m learning to not be too focused on the numbers, and just be content that if i train consistently (+/- 20 seconds per mile), my health will continue to benefit and that will show in my numbers regardless. for example, my average times per mile in a 3 mile run for april, may and june (so far) are as follows: 12′50″, 11′10″ and 10′38. i used to only follow olivia amato when i first started, but now she stresses me out! haha. i definitely think she’s one of the toughest instructors in the running category. she’s constantly telling us to up our speed/sprint for short periods of time. it now makes me anxious when i can’t follow her, so i’ve been exploring the other trainers who are more endurance focused. i try to do the most recently uploaded videos, because i can see on the leaderboard that there are others taking the class too in real time. 

since i started chatting daily with my reddit medspouse friend K, i’ve felt less of an urge to vent about my relationship here lol. she’s a harvard and CMU grad - and is so intelligent and articulate that i wish her gift of intelligence will trickle down to me too haha. i can say, our relationship is not an easy ride. it always feels tougher - because it is - when he’s on a hard rotation. he’s currently on ICU right now, which means 12 hour work days, 6 days a week minimum. that’s AT LEAST 72 hours a week. on saturday, i was really worried because it was already past 10pm est and he hasn’t come home, when he normally would have been home by 7:30pm. i have him on find my friends, so i saw that he was at the hospital, but my first thought was - did something happen to him, where he was admitted into his own hospital? lol. especially during COVID and protesting, my mind just assumed the worst. thanks to technology and him sharing his apple watch health stats with me, i saw he had walked 11k steps that day. so then i concluded, phew, he’s alive and walking. he just has an insanely long day.

other updates:

- i started rearranging my investments and put more into trading via robinhood. with such a volatile stock market right now, it’s quite addicting and scary at the same time. but i’m hoping for some large returns. *crossed fingers*

- i cooked clam linguine and lobster tail this week

- my SIL announced she’s having a girl 

- had a taiwan group reunion with the 6 of us (g, e, k, j, and i). it’s been like 5 years since we all met up together in one space. 

- prompted by the reunion, i finally found my external harddrive and went down memory lane from old pics taken in college/study abroad. i uploaded the study abroad photos onto a cloud platform, and will eventually do that for the other pics i have. the pictures are too precious to not have a backup.. of the backup

- been really feeling the new season of insecure. this season focuses on the friendship between issa and molly - and wow, i definitely am blown away by how raw it is. i see myself in molly, and the show has  got me checking myself and recognizing my flaws.

[nicolekidmanwigfactory]

my current depressive episode was caused by “Lady Bird”  TL;DR the end

this is just a rant. i didn’t edit it except to correct errors as I went. Either read it or don’t. the run up to finals are stressing me out and bringing out my insecurities so i need to vent. don’t reblog. Beware it goes all over the place. 

Other than the fact i’m now depressed, i really did like lady bird (laurie metcalf is my current pick for supporting actress, but it’s still early to be definitive)

tl;dr at the end.

i saw lady bird over the weekend and the experience of going to a single sex catholic high school has me dwelling on everything i chose to miss out on bc i was fat, bc i felt i didn’t deserve to be happy bc fat people don’t deserve happiness (or at least if they;re me). she was doing all of that teenager bs and i don’t think there was a single thing in that movie she did that I can say I did in high school.

like, i lost the weight in undergrad. but got cancer and developed and eating disorder in the process. so it’s like i was never intended to be thin. always destined to be fat and unhappy bc fat = unhappy. yes i know that’s not true but it’s still my gut rxn even though i always challenge it

but since lady bird all i can think about is what i missed out on. had i been thin in hs, would i have realized i was gay then? would i have realized i didn’t actually like girls bc maye then i’dve gotten some attention from them. i mean, that was my main evidence for denial in undergrad. i can’t be gay bc “i’m not thin enough for girls to like me yet. i’m only having this attraction to guys out of desperation” or some shit like that. had i been thin in hs, maybe i’d’ve had a support system for the eating disorder and depression- those are in the family history, idk if they’d have gone away if i’d been thin to start with. if i’d been thin in hs maybe i wouldn’t be so jaded about the catholic hs i went to. maybe id still be in the blind about what a hypocritical republican vote machine it is (through no fault of the jesuits themselves). that it’s just a mecca for the wealthy to put their sons in one place, or that its emphasis on catholic social teaching attracted them to the school but then they get angry when theyre busted for telling the few (mostly) lower income hispanic students to go back to mexico (i saw that on the news) or telling the black students they only liked and voted for obama in ‘08 bc he’s black, a “half N-word” meaning a “good” black person (that is seared in my brain) or that white people only voted for Obama bc that was the cool thing to do

but rn, i’ve been dwelling on a lot of the social experiences i missed out on in hs. i wasn’t out of the closet yet, but i wasn’t even doing the “straight” ones. i don’t regret not going to prom and homecoming (never appealed to me) but i didn’t have a group of friends to hang out with on the weekends, or meet anyone from the all girls school through them. being “cousin” schools of sorts seemed to make it possible for everyone to reach those milestones of puberty- first kiss, make out sesh, dry hump, and on... everyone but me it seemed (obviously not though). i was already struggling with being gay and trying to deny it, and seeing how my homophobic classmates treated the one out kid my freshman made me never want to go through that. it just seems that if i’d been thin, i could’ve hetero non-confirmation and figured out i was gay earlier and learned to handle it with confidence. bc there was a gay my senior year i could’ve fallen for if i’d let myself

i’m rambling i know. i didn’t intend to write on and on like this but here i am

but since i saw lady bird the other night the stuff that i’m really dwelling on, in case you can’t tell, is the romance stuff from my hs days, and that’s what i really struggle with in terms of my body image and eating disorder issues. lady bird got herself two really cute guys just like that it seems. and they were both thin of course. the romantic aspirations of the one fat character in the movie was, of course, treated mostly as a joke by giving her a crush way out of her supposed league (I mean, he was also a teacher and clearly wasn’t sending or returning signals).

so i again got to witness others having the adolescence i denied myself bc i decided i didn’t deserve it. because i was fat. because fat people don’t deserve happiness. because fat people don’t deserve love. because fat people don’t deserve anything good. because fat people don’t deserve good things

i know this is 100% false. but i STILL fight these thoughts everyday. they’re not consistent and active, but they’re still in the background, nagging at me and reminding me why i’m worthless and a failure if something goes wrong or something bad out of my control happens. “that parking ticket is bc you’re fat” or “that chair broke bc you’re fat, not bc your knee was in the weak spot.”

so when i saw lady bird having those adolescent experiences, it just reminded of the adolescent experiences that i’m not having now. i didn’t come out until after i graduated from undergrad, so they say at age you live through the teenage growing pains and such of sex and romance in your twenties bc you didn’t have the chance to do it when your were “supposed” to. but i’m not doing it now. i’ve only gone on a total of three dates since i came out and in all of them i was still catfishing with my old photos before regained the weight i lost in undergrad when my bulimia turned into non-compensatory binge eating disorder. the first guy didn’t show. the second guy seemed disappointed by saw it to the end. he never texted me again (but i didn’t either bc i was so ashamed). and the guy i liked most, i confessed what i did and cancelled the date bc i felt so bad. he was disappointed but i think he appreciated the (eventual) honesty. we still chat on snap from time to time. and then there was a really hot guy who knew what i actually looked like and wanted to go out, but he turned out to be an escort

even looking like i do, i know i could go out and find a quick hook up but i guess being the product of 18 years of catholic education has impressed on me the value of commitment in a relationship before sex. i’m not saying you gotta be 100% exclusive or get married, but for me, i need to know the person, even if its just a friend. the idea of a nsa hook up leaves me uneasy and while i fantasize about having a hoe phase, until i at least go through that adolescent phase i saw my classmates go through and then relived when i saw lady bird, it’s not gonna happen.

this all makes sense in my head but i’m not going back to edit or clarify what i’ve written. it defeats the purpose of a rant

tl;dr i saw lady bird and it triggered a weird depressive episode rooted in the  extent to which i denied myself happiness during my teen years bc i was so ashamed of being fat since i thought i didn’t deserve to be happy. seeing lady bird have so many of the experiences i’ve never experienced, even as a gay man in his 20s when late-blooming gays are supposed to go through that phase, makes me feel like i’m wasting my time on earth. i’ve beaten cancer and i’m successfully treating my eating disorder and depression, but have nothing to show for it. and when else except the homestretch of the semester for all of this to occur?