#I’m venting here bc I already vented in the group chat I have with my sisters and it wasn’t enough LMAO

[fantasticalleigh]

Body talk and whatever below! Adding a read more for those who’d rather not hear it bc this turned into a whole venting post with a dash of mommy issues 🙄

took these pics (gotta appreciate the post workout pump) bc I’m kinda pleased my arm vascularity is coming back. I’m still fluffy all around but I’ve come a long way in building back all the muscle I lost when I was going through an ED a couple years ago (basically I took intermittent fasting to an extreme). I lost a ton of weight really fast and looked good back then but didn’t realize how much muscle I’d lost (which was pretty much most of it) until it was way too late. And during lockdown I was outdoors skating or walking pretty much 24/7 but once we went back in person and I was working and going to school and stressed over my senior year at uni I slowly gained weight back. And since then it’s been a slow slow road of getting it off, getting strong again, and making mistakes and learning from them. All that inspirational shit.

I’ve mainly focused on body recomposition for the past two years. This probably would have succeeded faster if I was getting proper sleep and really committing to eating healthy but I’m straddling a middle line and happy with it and my progress. My quads are building up and they’re still bitty but I’m happy. My upper back looks strong as fuck (using Rhea for inspiration since we have the same body type!) and I’m getting more definition there and in my legs bit by bit. The ass is fat again lol. The biceps are growing and my forearms will always be the thinnest part of me but also getting muscly.

So naturally the more muscle I have the bigger I look. I’m ok with that! I embrace it. I want to look strong. The point of body recomp is to build muscle and slowly lose fat in the process. Muscle burns more calories when you’re not moving around and so I’m ok with still looking fluffy if that means I’m getting stronger. I do lazy cardio and I want to lean down and I will but I’m not rushing into it.

There’s definitely body dysmorphia hanging around when I’m trying to fit into my shirts and they don’t fit bc my shoulders and biceps are bigger and make me wider. My stomach is definitely more flat than it was two or even three months ago and thank god bc my jeans are comfy again LOL. I look at myself and know I’m getting slimmer slowly but I still feel frustrated sometimes bc of things like this. I recently weighed myself a few weeks ago and found I was 211 lbs. Not surprised! I’m 5’9 and with a broad and strong build so I’m never gonna be light as a feather or dainty. Muscle weighs more than fat and I’ve been building a lot of that so no brainer.

(And for reference the last time I weighed upwards of 200 lbs I was very overweight and most of that weight was in my midsection and I was like three or four sizes bigger than I am now. Muscle makes a hell of a difference in body composition!)

Anyway. All this to say that I’ve been working hard and enjoying the process/results. I’m no physical trainer but I know what works for me and i actively try to take care of myself every day. But my mom likes to make snide comments about it all the time, joking that I’m training to become a wrestler (and so what if I was?) and she likes to call me “grandota”, which in Spanish means “big girl” jokingly. And she’ll tut about what I eat all the time if she sees me eat, things like that. (Not that I should have to defend myself but I do try to eat well. Lots of protein and veg, but I don’t restrict myself from tasty drinks or sugary snacks bc I’m human😝.)

The grandota thing is fair. I never used to mind it. I’m the second tallest member of my family (first is pops), taller even than my brother who is eight years younger lol. My mom is at least a foot shorter than me. But now it’s just mean spirited when she says it and it’s been happening a lot more lately.

So she sees me today, freshly showered and changed after my workout, just minutes after I took the photos above and goes: “are you training to be a wrestler? You’re getting fat!”

🙃

This is long enough so I won’t go into detail about the argument we had after. It’s not the first time she’s said these exact lines to me and I usually ignore them but i felt done today. And basically I told her to stop being passive aggressive about my body bc it’s rude and I’m tired of it (and she doesn’t get to talk shit when I’m actively trying to take care of myself and she doesn’t) and I don’t do the same to her. And then she got offended and said I should go live on a mountain if I don’t want people to make mean comments. 🙃🙃🙃

Story time over! Sorry for the loooong vent post.

[hiddenwashington]

yearly disclaimer that this is going to be LONG but i promise it’s GOOD!!!

hello my beloved hidden, it is my favorite day of the entire year, the year that i get to celebrate all of YOU. that i get to express my almost overwhelming gratitude to all of you incredible members, to my dear best friends on the admin team, to all the past members who still resonate within the heart of hidden. somehow, someway, hiddenwashington turns FIVE YEARS OLD today, and i am already in tears writing that sentence and we’ve just gotten started. when i started hidden, in some sleep deprived delirium at 2am five years ago (and then hitting the tags at 5am that same morning), i never once imagined i would still be here even a year, let alone 5 years later, still loving and cherishing every single moment i get to spend here. it has been the most rewarding, challenging, downright hysterical and overwhelmingly beautiful experience of my life to your head admin, to be the one that gave you all this special place to be unapologetically you. and you all have done that, whatever that means for you, you have been the reason that hidden is still here five years later. this place would never be the same without your influence. to whatever member is reading this, please know that i mean that, hidden would be so incredibly different without you as a piece of our history. i know that i sound a little cliché when i say that hidden is my home and yours, that you will always have a home in washington, but i mean it. i have never not meant that. this place is so special, it is a home to those who need it, a place to explore yourselves, to explore your characters, to create these incredible moments in writing, in the chats-- seriously, i cannot imagine a better place with a better group of people. i know i’m sappy, but like, members, i genuinely mean it, that you make this place as good as it is. we are so beyond lucky to have such talent on our dashes, to have such dedicated people writing. the replies that i read every day just blow me away. and that goes for any member-- to those who have been here for ten minutes, or ten months, who have been here since the very beginning, or those who left us, you are all some of the sweetest, most talented writers i have ever met. hidden is the warm and welcoming place because of all of you, because you all look out for each other. it doesn’t matter if you have spoken to someone for two minutes or two years, if you have no canon connections or whatever, you are all so warm and caring about each other. the community you guys create, it’s home. i have never laughed so hard in my life, than with some of the conversation we have had in the discord, i am constantly inspired by your writing on the dash, the development you all can create for your characters, it’s something that should be published for the entire world to see. if i could scream my love for you all from the mountain tops, just for a chance for the world to know how wonderful you are, i would. it’s my yearly duty to swap between tired mom, to proud mom. so please, give me a few moments to absolutely gush about the admin team that helps me stay even remotely sane every day. i’m so deadass when i say that they are some of the best admins in the entire world, the amount of work they put into the group, into all of the decisions that are made-- you only see a fraction of the work that i have the joy of watching in real time, but they really are as good as it gets and i need them to know how thankful i am for them. and friends, you only have to deal with me being this sappy like once a year so, deal, while i highlight all of you xoxo !!! gotta start with a shoutout to the other half of my brain, my right hand man, probably the only reason hidden is still going bc without them i’d have gone insane by now, sunny-- just thank you? like genuinely, sincerely, thank you. for everything. for allowing me to be unapologetically myself, for allowing your dms to be my space to vent, to joke, to dump a million messages, for helping solve every single issue that has come up, for sticking by my side for five full years now, for being such a genuine friend, for being the best dm out there-- like damn you put up with so much bullshit from us how have you not TPK’d us earlier. thank you for being the voice of reason, for being the nice admin, for calming everything when i want to just give up and throw my hands up in the air. i love you, like more than you know, more than i need to say. you’re p cool. ollie, my beloved, please, i’m begging you to use this anniversary to TAKE A BREAK. the fact that you have joined the team, having never been an admin before, and have become one of the best we’ve ever had is so impressive, i forget that you haven’t even been on the team an entire year. you put in so much work, you are the force we lean on (maybe sometimes too much, pls i promise ill make sure you get a break), you dedication to the main is awe inspiring and i cannot express how thankful i am to you for being here. for putting in as much work as you do. for being an admin for less than a year and being our top tag ???? insanity. but really, we would not keep going most days without you ollie, i hope you know it never goes unappreciated. i love you a lot, thank you. seriously. i don’t know if i can say it enough to express how much i mean that. aria, a powerhouse, an icon, the real owner of the brain cell, i seriously don’t think the main would be half as functioning or well researched without you. you somehow, always, end up finding the answers that we need, your knowledge of faceclaims is unmatched and i wanna be you when i grow up. minus the minion love but it’s forgivable today and today alone. your ability to solve so many issues that arise is incredible, and i hope you know how thankful i am for every minute you spend working on the main, answering fc suggestions and everything. also your icons are always the highlight of my day, i hope you know how loved you are, by me. specifically. idc about everyone else, i love you, thank you so much my friend ♥ cherry !! yet another majority shareholder of the team dumbass brain cell. i know i can always count on you to write the best messages to send out to people, to always know how to word things and almost decipher what we’re all trying to say when we’re just yelling. i am always so impressed by you, cherry, you are sincerely one of the most genuine, kindest people i have ever met, and you also know when to put your foot down, how to not take shit, like i really know we can always count on you to be there when we need the support. thank you, for everything, i love you. jodie, the absolute heart of the team, seriously, you are just everyone’s biggest supporter (even when its for the dumbest ideas) and i know you are always ready to throw down if someone is struggling. you are simply the most loving people i have ever gotten the pleasure to know, and i hope, similar to ollie, you take this anniversary to catch a break, and by that i MEAN GO TO BED AT A HUMAN TIME. but seriously, you are the heart of team dumbass and we would not be as close of a team without you and your laughing fits bc you did something you know is gonna get both of us yelled at. i love you so much, thank you. and finally, kasey, who does not wish to be perceived but they don’t get that choice today. the fire in our hearts, and it’s not just a pyro joke. you are the first to spot problems, but always know the solution, to be able to fix an issue before it even becomes one. i am genuinely so proud of you, and everything that you do, you have been so important in helping hidden become what it is today, even if half of it is from us yelling at each other, only to end with everyone yelling at us for being The Worst. i wouldn’t want anyone else to be my partner for our patrol. thank you for always being so incredibly genuine and loving the moment you know someone needs that. i love you so much friend, you know that. now back to bullying all of you because this was too long, too much, but seriously. hidden, you don’t know how lucky you are. i barely even realize how lucky i am sometimes. nothing has been as rewarding as being your head admin. and i love each and every one of you. thank you for allowing me this space, for being the best group of people i have ever met. here to hidden’s 5th year, and every year after that! i love all of you. 

much much love always, admin maig ♥

[lilysdaydreams]

Boyfriend-girlfriend feelings ~

Pairing: Corpse Husband X Reader

Genre: Fluffy stuff.

Warnings: Um none i think.

Summary: Request where fem!reader has like a husky voice and it’s not like super deep but deep compared to the other female streamers and she joins the lobby w corpse and stuff as a substitute and everyone is supposed about her voice and calls her the girl version of corpse bc she’s faceless too, except her personality isn’t bc she’s super optimistic and stuff. Anyways her and corpse bond and later admit separately on stream that they like the other, then fluff? Thank you!!!!

A/N: This is my first request and I went a bit overboard lol, this is nearly 3000 words so Anon I hope you enjoy lol, but yeah I did my best, I really really really  hope you like it :((

~~~

You yawned and took a sip of your bubble tea before turning back to chat.

“Hmmm, what should we do now, everyone? I think I might end stream now, it’s been like nearly 4 hours.” you mumbled glancing at the time.

It was only 10, so it wasn't that late, but you’d been on stream for 4 hours and you needed to finish your essay.

Your phone lit up with a notification and you glanced at it to see that it was from Sean.

Sean: hey wanna play among us? We need one more person.

“Uhhh or maybe not.” you said to everyone, smiling as you saw the chat light up with excitement.

Quickly typing out a “yessss, send me the link.”, you let your viewers know that you were gonna be playing among us and then quickly opened up the game.

Opening up discord, you joined the group and realised the only person you actually knew here was Sean.

“Shit” you said, biting your lip.

“Guysss,” you whined to your viewers. “The only person I know here is Sean. I’m so nervous now.”

The chat blew up with “you can do it!” and “we believe in you!” and other supportive messages.

You smiled seeing all of this. Your community may be small, but they were probably the best ones out there. They were sweet and kind and there was barely any toxicity in the group. You were only a small streamer, doing it as a hobby since you started college. You only knew Sean because he had messaged you himself, inviting you to a game of Phasmophobia because he'd liked your previous videos where you played it. You had been shocked then, barely being able to comprehend that Jackspecticeye decided to Twitter dm you, like what the actual fuck. That had only been a month ago, and you had played again a week ago with him, but your friendship was still new so even though his presence made you a bit comfortable, the anxiety was definitely overpowering it.

“Okay, okay I can do it” you mumbled under your breath trying to hype yourself up.

Quickly joining the call, your ears were filled with the noise of everyone yelling about the previous game. Sean quickly yelled at them to shut up once he noticed you'd joined.

"Everybody, I have our tenth player, this is Y/N, say hi everyone."

Valkyrae was the first one to yell out "Hi" with everyone else chiming in as well, and you had to breathe in deep to stop yourself from fangirling over Valkyrae.

You awkwardly smiled and said "Hey guys, I'm Y/N, Its nice to meet everyone."

There was silence for a second and you narrowed your eyes, wondering if you were muted or something.

"Wait what oh my god, you're Y/N from Y/C/N?" Valkyrae said her voice going quite high.

"Oh, that's where I know you from," said Sykkuno suddenly, leaving you staring shocked at the screen. Sykkuno and Valkyrae knew who you were? What the actual fuck?

"Uhhh," you said eyes flickering between the chat and the screen. "Yeah, that's me, I didn't even think you would know who I was, um oh my god."

"Oh right, now I remember, you did a cover of dreamy night, right?" chimed in Lily, and by this point, you were almost having a panic attack.

"Oh god, you saw that?" you questioned, whispering because you were worried that you were gonna wake up from this dream soon.

"Yeah!" exclaimed Lily, "Your voice is like total opposite of mine, so it was really cool to hear! Your  voice is really nice!"

"Awww, thank you so much, that's so sweet of you to say," you said, wringing your hands, not really sure what to say. What the actual fuck, how were all you favourite streamers here and ALSO knew about you huh? You wondered if this was a dream.

"Yeah what the hell, your voice is so deep." said Poki.

"Right, when you said 'hi', I literally thought it was Corpse for a second," Dave replied, chuckling a bit.

You made yourself take big breaths, trying to make your heart calm down.

"She's not very much like Corpse though" Sean chimed in. "She's very sweet, and gets scared so easily."

You unmuted yourself and gasped exaggeratedly. "Excuse me Sean, but who was it who screamed so much in Phasmophobia and nearly made my ears bleed?

"That game is FUCKING scary okay?" He screamed back, making everyone laugh in the background.

"Hey guys, what did I miss?" a very deep voice came in suddenly, and you realised this was the 'Corpse' they were talking about. You had seen his popularity on Twitter and seen a few clips of him playing but god damn hearing his voice in your ears like that was fucking amazing. You squeaked, thankful you were on mute.

"Holy shit, his voice is deep," you said to the chat, immediately getting responses such as "We know!," and "SIMPPP" as a joke from others.

Giggling you unmuted yourself when Sean introduced you to Corpse, and nervously said "Hey", dragging it out at the end, "Its nice to meet you!"

"Oh yeah!" said Sean as if remembering something. "Y/N is faceless as well, so she kind of is like the  female version of Corpse."

"What?" "Oh my god." "Brooo, thats so cool"

You didn't have time to say anything back as Sean decided to start the game at right that second.

Everyone went quiet and you sighed in relief as "CREWMATE" flashed across your screen. You did not want to be an imposter right now, you wouldn't be able to stomach it.

Quickly hiding your chat, you moved to admin and started humming something to calm your heart down. This had been a crazy 5 minutes for you, and you really needed to calm down. Taking a sip of your drink, you talked to the viewers as you did the card swipe.

"I cant believe Valkyrae - oh I should just call her Rae, right? considering I'm playing with her right now, oh my god, ANYWAYS, I can't believe Rae and Sykkuno know me. Like Lily even saw my cover. Ahhh! I didn't even know she saw it, and now I'm just playing with them, im literally shaking," you rambled to the chat as you went towards electrical to do the tasks there.

You saw Poki there, and you both ran around each other and then you followed her as she started walking to reactor. Suddenly the lights went out, and you gasped as the report button went red, and you quickly pressed it.

"Okay okay," you said before anyone could speak. "Me and Poki met up in electrical, we went to reactor and I was doing the one two three four five six seven eight nine ten task, and she was doing the Simon says and then lights went out and I went off and then suddenly the report button was red. So the kill happened right now."

"Did you see anyone?" asked Toast?

"Nope, I saw no one."

"Well, it couldn't be Sykkuno, because we were both waking to electrical together," said Corpse,

"Yeah it couldn't be Corpse, we were together at the last moment," confirmed Sykkuno.

"I was in weapons," said Rae.

"Navigation." - Dave.

"I was already at Electrical with uh Lily I think," said Sean.

"Yeah, that was me." confirmed Lily.

"Toast where were you?" asked Rae.

"I was just going into navigation."

"Leslie?" you asked, noticing she hadn't spoken up.

"I was in weapons."

"Well one of you is lying." said Corpse softly making everyone laugh.

"Gee, I wonder what this game is about?" Sean replied, teasing him.

"Maybe it's a self report?" questioned Dave.

"No oh my god, it's not me," you said quickly defending yourself. "Poki and I were literally doing our tasks, I swear."

"I don't think it's Y/N, why would she report the body, there was no one around, and she could  have easily just vented somewhere."

"Are we skipping?" Leslie asked.

A chorus of "Yeah" came in so you quickly skipped. Going into weapons you did the shooting task there and then started towards navigation, letting out a gasp as you got killed suddenly.

"ITS SEAN?" You yelled, completely shocked. "How could he kill me like that, I just started playing with them, and he was the one who invited me as well!" you whined, brining the chat back in again.

Opening up the dead chat, you messaged ":(((((" and Poki did the same back. You talked to the chat for a bit, moving around until you got to electrical where Corpse was.

"Guys, it's Corpse, lets follow him," you said, smiling a little.

Just as he was leaving electrical, Toast came in and killed him. You let out a small gasp as he self-reported and pretended that he'd just stumbled onto the body.

"CORPSEEEE" you typed into the dead chat, laughing when Corpse responded with ":((((" just like you had done.

"Whose the other one?" he asked and you quickly typed in "Sean :((("

Corpse: "*GASP, he killed you after inviting you to the game?*"

You: "Ikr!"

Corpse: “that’s so rude, we should stick together next game so we don’t get killed easily."

You: "Yes let’s do that!”

You guys continued talking until the next round started.

"SEAN!" you yelled immediately. "How could you kill me like that, when you were the one who invited me?" you whined.

"Exactly Sean, that was so rude." Corpse chimed in, supporting you.

"Ah, uh, exc -" spluttered Sean, "Please, oh my god, I can't handle the both of you at the same time, it's too intimidating."

Everyone started laughing and you giggled as Corpse accused Sean of avoiding the question.

The next round started and you laughed when you both got double killed five minutes into the game. Seems like your strategy of staying together wasn’t that good.

You played a few more games with everyone, getting imposter with Poki once. Finally, you decided that you really should finish that essay that you had due.

Finishing your fourth game, you let everyone know, pouting when everyone groaned.

"It was really nice to meet you, Y/N" said Rae, "We should definitely play more!"

Everyone chimed in then and you said bye to everyone as you left the lobby. Just as you were leaving the voice call, you heard Corpse say "Bye Y/N" again, but you couldn't reply because you just left.

"Whoops," you mumbled, feeling a bit bad.

You quickly said bye to all the viewers and ended the stream.

Opening discord on your phone, you sent a friend request to Corpse, being shocked when he accepted in a second. Wasn't he playing still?

Typing out the message, you sent it before thinking about it too much.

"Hey, sorry, I heard you say bye at the end, but I left right then. Just wanted to let you know that I wasn't purposely ignoring you or something."

“Ahhh no worries,” he replied.

Then a second later; “I checked out your covers btw, you’re really good.”

“Oh, thank you so much,” you replied typing quickly. “Your songs are great as well. I have to admit they’re a bit too intense for me lol, as I normally only listen to ballads and stuff, but I loved agoraphobic with al my heart :((( literally listened to that non-stop for a week when it came out lol.”

Okay maybe I went a bit overboard, you thought staring at the message.

“Oh Thankyou, that means so much to me. And yeah, I know that not everyone likes this type of music, don’t worry about it. Actually, I was thinking of doing another Lo-fi type of song like Agoraphobic, but I’m still working on it.”

You settled into your chair, continuing on the conversation.

It was an hour later that you realised that you’d just been texting Corpse and not done the essay like you planned to.

“Sorry corpse, gtg,” you messaged, putting a string of crying emojis after.

Putting down your phone, you finally started working on your essay, ignoring the butterflies you’d had in your stomach for the past hour.

~~~

You guys kept talking. The next day he asked for your number, saying it’d be easier to text there than discord. You guys messaged for ages. Your conversations never ended because even if one of you had to go, you would just pick up the conversation from where you left. It was by far the easiest friendship you’d ever had, and if you were being completely honest, you’d kind of developed a small crush on him.

A few weeks later, you were streaming among us again, this time with another group. You died quickly in the first game, so you pulled up chat and started asking some questions.

“Corpse?” You asked reading one of the questions. “Ah I don’t know guys, I don’t think Corpse is coming to this game, he’s quite busy with his music and everything, and I don’t think he’s available today.”

“Do you like his music?"

"Yeah, his music is great. It’s sometimes intense for me,” you admitted giggling, “but I do love it. I actually really wanted to cover Agoraphobic or MISS YOU! They’re both my favourites and I’ve been wanting to... hmmm.. maybe I’ll do a poll on Twitter and see which one more people want?”

Suddenly a message caught your eye; “I kind of have a crush on corpse.”

You laughed out loud, saying the username and replying “Yah I think everyone who meets corpse ends up having a crush on him, like how could you not, he’s freaking perfect.”

When everyone started spamming chat though, you realized you might have said too much.

“Anyway guys look, I think Sykkuno might end up voting Rae, and oh he did it,” you laughed as the “defeat” screen came up and Rae started yelling at Sykkuno for not believing her.

~~~

The next day, Corpse was waiting as Rae asked people to join the lobby. Answering questions from his chat, he saw one about you and read it out.

“Is Y/N gonna play?”

“Ahhh, I don’t think so guys, I think she has an assignment or something. It’s been a bit since I played with her, it would have been nice to but yah I don’t think she’s available.”

Suddenly all the chat was talking about was you.

“Do you see the clip where she says she likes you?”

“Bhahah I think she has a crush on you lol”

“Did you see that clip?”

Corpse furrowed his eyebrows confused about what clip.

Another comment caught his eye.

“Do you like her?”

“Do I like her? Of course, I like her, it was amazing to meet her, her covers are great, she’s so nice, also she’s like the exact opposite of her voice, it’s so funny." He laughed remembering the photo you'd sent of all your plushies lined on the bed. "Yah no she’s really sweet, we’ve been talking a lot recently, it’s been fun.”

“SIMPPPPP”

“Omg he actually likes her.”

“CORPSE X Y/N”

“Oh don’t make her uncomfortable guys,” Corpse huffed as he saw the comments. “Yah I kinda like her, but y’all are too much” he muttered, before realising exactly what he’d said.

“Wait no, what.” he stuttered, “Um oh look Rae's found some more people.”

~~~

When you finally decided to look on your phone, you realised that your Twitter notifications were blowing UP. Quickly going into the app, you clicked on one of the mentions saying “CORPSE X Y/N, ITS REAL I CANT BELIEVE IT.”

Tapping the video underneath it, you listened as Corpse talked about you, blushing when you realised what it sounded like. But...he couldn’t actually have a crush on you... right?

He was probably kidding, you told your beating heart. Probably just wanted to go trending for something. A voice whispered in your mind that Corpse wasn’t like that but you didn’t wanna give yourself hope.

Just then your phone rung, making you jump and stare shocked at the screen when you saw Corpse with a yellow heart next to it. Corpse had never called you before.

Quickly picking up the call before it could go to voicemail, you shakily questioned “Hey corpse?”

“Uh hey,” he said, his voice sounding way too deep. “Sorry I normally wouldn’t call but like, I just got off-stream and saw the Twitter trends and everything. Um, I like - didn’t wanna, um make you uncomfortable with all that so I can tell them to back off if you want?”

“Um..” you said stalling, trying to process everything here. Deciding to oho full in, you just blurted it out, “Do you actually have feelings for me?”

“Like not just friend feelings", you continued, "but like the boyfriend-girlfriend feelings if you get what I mean.”

Immediately after saying that you wanted to slap yourself. Were you in 2nd grade? Like who the hell says boyfriend girlfriend feelings?

“Uhhh, I- I kinda do I guess, I like you but like it’s okay if you don-

“I do," you said cutting him off before he could finish.

“I um, I also like you.”

“Oh.

“Yah”

“Cool”

“Cool”

~~

Should I do a pt 2?

[notveryglittery]

so @/dysaniadisorder​ posted this really cute zoom moxiety art and then i posted some selfies in a discord server and the reactions from that + this moxiety art got me feeling even more Fluffy than usual so here’s a very rambly au that i stream of consciousness wrote in half an hour lol 

idk about anyone else, but i had a pen pal through english class in middle school for a little while. so what if, patton and virgil meeting through being pen pals. patton's letters are as bubbly as his stories, he includes stickers on the pages and the envelope, and uses *so many* exclamation marks. virgil meanwhile, tends to write very little and mostly just in reaction to whatever patton said. because sure, the letters are sent to the school and they've been told not to give away personal information, but y'know... Just In Case.

except for one towards the end of the program, when patton really doesn't want to lose contact with virgil, so he shares his instagram. and he says no pressure of course i dont even know if you have an instagram but here it is if you ever wanna try to keep talking. and bc roman's his best friend, of course virgil has instagram (ugh). so of course he checks patton's profile. and oh *no* he's as cute as his bubbly handwriting and his stories and stickers and exclamation marks

virgil's never really mentioned this whole pen pal thing to roman, because roman's english teacher did not sign her class up for it and he knows roman would be jealous. but he made the mistake of checking patton's profile in roman's presence and if anyone's going to notice a Gay Panic™, it's roman

so of course roman grills virgil and virgil caves bc like what?? else is he gonna do?? but anyway, roman hits the follow button for virgil but then virgil throws his phone across the room and breaks it so can we get an f in the chat

meanwhile patton's studying with his step-brother logan when he gets a little chime from his phone and? oh a new instagram follow that's neat, who's [insert cool username for virgil]? except of course virgil's profile is private so patton has to follow back to see any photos. except virgil's phone is busted! bummer

cue virgil not getting a new phone for a week or two bc idk he's in trouble for breaking the old one to begin with and by the time he finally does get a new one, he totally spaces on installing instagram. so it's like a month and a half later when roman asks him why the heck he hasn't been liking roman's pictures that virgil remembers. and then he also remembers patton. *oh god patton* how could he ever forget, he is a fool, and patton probably hates him now, or he must be super worried, bc the pen pal program is over so they havent been writing and then he just disappeared off the face of the planet which?? well patton should have expected it a little because he did say it would be okay if virgil didnt want to keep in contact but *oh god patton*

virgil installs instagram and finds patton's follow request (and like 32 comments from roman demanding that virgil like his photos what kind of best friend is he smh)

and he accepts it 

and then while he's still riding his bravery high, he messages patton "hey it's virgil" and then Very Calmly sets his phone down before screaming into a pillow

meanwhile patton's busy cheering logan on at his swim meet but this does mean that he's posting all sorts of encouraging cheesy stuff to his story which means virgil is already getting a sneak peak into patton's life and wait oh my GOD is that his voice???????

virgil is very gay and he is having a Time

anyway patton also almost breaks his phone when he sees the follow request approved *and* the message!!! because lowkey , he considers virgil a pretty close friend!! he vented in some of those pen pal letters! said some things he couldn't bring himself to say to anyone else. and virgil was always so patient and kind and reminded him of all the good things to help and balance out the bad things.

so y'know, fast forward thru lots of instagram interactions. messaging each other late into the night. virgil always liking patton's photos and leaving a single "💜" comment on every one. they talk about roman - and how he's virgil's best friend and he may be dramatic and loud but he's reliable and genuine - and they talk about logan - and how patton wouldn't know anywhere near as much as he does w/out him and how they have sleepovers in the basement every saturday.

and fast forward to moving on from instagram to discord, and joining servers of fandoms they're both in. making a server for themselves + roman + logan (and *oh boy,* introducing roman and logan). sending silly memes and posts that "made me think of you", late night texting that ends with one sending the final “i guess you fell asleep, sweet dreams <3″ message, and the other sending the “oops i did, good morning <3″ message in return 

and sure, roman might post pictures on instagram of himself and virgil, but virgil's always half-in half-out of frame or he's blurry or he's looking away. and so one day, he posts a selfie in their friend server because he's just got his hair dyed purple and he's *so excited* and patton. patton didnt even have time to prepare can we get an f in the chat

there are a LOT of keysmashes and hearts lol

roman is still laughing by the time patton manages to calm down. patton sort of flat out demands for a group video call aljsdf

logan and roman, all this time obviously because they can't be out done, have already had plenty of personal voice and video calls themselves. sometimes it's just to help roman run lines or help logan study for a test. but they have been on the receiving end of patton and virgil gushing about their respective crushes so they're in full support of this tbh

so they set up a group video call that night, roman and logan like immediately muting themselves bc let's be real we all know the real reason behind this. patton is gushing about virgil and virgil's hair like, right off the bat, and virgil is slowly but surely disappearing into his hoodie and the lighting in his room isn't very good, but gosh patton is *melting* and then

and THEN

patton pauses to finally drink out of his cooling hot cocoa and virgil takes the opportunity to clear his throat and sit up a little out of his hoodie cocoon and says thank you

and y'all we thought virgil was all Gay Panic™ when he saw patton's face in photos for the first time? and then he broke his phone when roman followed patton for him?

patton does a spit take and chokes on his hot cocoa and kind of maybe shorts out his laptop ajsdkjhsf

because we gotta go full circle baby

roman disappears from view on his camera because he just rolled off the bed he's laughing so hard

you know logan definitely anticipated this, so he's been on best buy's website this whole time, ready to find laptops on sale / schedule an appointment to get patton's laptop fixed

and uuuhhhh yeah :) pen pals to friends to lovers long distance moxiety, with background probably-qpr logince because that's the Vibe i'm getting. with bonus best friends prinxiety and familial logicality!! thanks for reading :D 

[son-of-skarmory]

((Alright, everyone’s been making posts about their mental health right now so I guess it’s my turn. This is just meant to be a general thing-I’m not targeting anyone (none of this is single-instance stuff), and my main goal is just to raise awareness of what it’s like on my end. I’ll go into minor detail about that in a bit.

Basically, I want to make a PSA about IMing me right now.

Details under the cut, and if you read I’d appreciate some notification (like a like or a message, or even an IM saying ‘read your thing’. But as usual, no pressure to do it. Do what you need to do for your mental health, too.

tl;dr is IMs are overwhelming so please don’t overdo them with me. You can send them but please give me time and space.

So, as some of you have heard before, chats and IMs can stress me out to no end. Even texting can do it, and group chats are the bane of my existence. I stress out over missing things, and it can tear my attention away from anything else because I don’t want the other person to be left hanging. So I don’t use tumblr’s chat rooms and I don’t use d.iscord.

‘But Wings!’ You say, potentially frustrated by my hypocrisy. ‘We IM all the time! You send me messages, so am I expected to not send you anything?!’

And, no, please hear me out. I can handle short bursts of messages if we’re in the middle of discussing something like and idea. I can also use chat features if there’s the mutual understanding that there’s zero rush to reply, or sometimes even to respond at all. But I can’t do constant, and I can’t do small talk.

Right now, amidst all this chaos, my mental health is really struggling. A quick summary (that you can skip if you want):

I’m constantly dealing with invasive and paranoid thoughts (the latter especially about Dad). I’m almost always overstimulated, and my brain feels like it’s been wrapped in tulle. I don’t ever feel like I’m not anxious and I’m crying nearly every day, which is scary because for me crying can trigger migraines. 

My dad, who I’m mostly stuck with, is a bigot with severe hearing loss, and even with his hearing aids in it’s too loud for me to be in the same room with him (which is where my computer happens to be). He barely helps me take care of Benny, who currently needs a lot of stimulation that I can’t give him. Dad is also at extremely high risk when it comes to C.OVID-19 (and please don’t make and comments or jokes about it maybe being a good thing if he dies).

Work is a complete mystery. If we can even run Summer Camps this year, we don’t have the same budget as most years since we had no Spring Break Camps, field trip groups, or Spring after school camps. So if we run camps in person, I have to change up my projects bc we’ll have a limited budget for special materials outside what the center already has. There’s also a possibility we’ll do Zoom classes from our houses, in which case I have to set up space, limit my materials even more (since we’ll be sending out a materials list for parents to buy, and they probably won’t want to purchase plaster or block printing ink), potentially even dropping some classes. And also I’ll have to look at my hideous body on camera since I have to make sure the kids can see what I’m doing (meaning I might need an overhead camera?). My retail job is...I have no idea.

Plus, as of May 1st I have no insurance, I have to find a new therapist and psychiatrist, and one of my meds costs over $250. And bonus if I do end up getting that tonsillectomy that was supposed to happen while I was on my parents’ insurance.

Between no work right now and whatever happens with Summer Camps, it’s gonna be a heavy blow to my finances. And since I’m trying to file for state insurance, I had to get kicked out of my savings accounts. I can ask Mom to send me some money from them if need be, but just the whole concept of having almost no access to that money in an emergency is terrifying, especially since I pay for Benny’s food and vet bills. I know that this one makes me sound like the entitled white girl I am but I’m scared, okay?

So...yeah. Everything is a bit much right now, but I really want to be here. I just want to lay down a few guidelines:

Please do not IM me just because I’m on. This is honestly one of the worst things. Sometimes it makes me avoid that account for the rest of the day.

Please do not expect me to hold small talk via IMs. You’re free to come to me with more focused topics, but don’t IM me for the sake of IMing me.

Understand that I might be very slow to reply, and in some cases I might not reply at all because I’m stressed by life stuff or have nothing to offer. If I don’t reply, it’s not because I’m ignoring you or don’t like you. I just need some time or space or both.

I’m not trying to say you can’t IM me. In fact, getting IMs can be a positive thing, because then I feel like I’m being thought about and am actually important to people (which is something I’m trying to deal with, I promise). Someone checking in can very super uplifting. I love talking about characters interacting. But just understand that chats and IMs and DMs can be very hard for me.

...Yeah. I’ll try to spread this around to the other blogs over some time. I’m sorry this kinda turned into a vent session, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Please make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well, and please know I love you very much <3 ))

[anxietysroomsupport]

I feel like I'm breaking down for the millionth time. I don't know who to talk to bc everyone is going thru the pandemic. I ask them how they're feeling but I feel like I'm a burden. My mom is the only one who asks how I'm doing daily, but she's so emotionally closed off that it seems like she doesn't care about my emotional wellbeing. I don't feel like part of my family. They seem so happy without me. I don't think that I'm going to keep connecting with them in the future. It makes me sad,

but I don't see another future. I try to show them things that interest me or that I made, but there's always a comment a make or it's not the right time. I feel like I any appreciation I do happen to receive isn't enough. I don't feel human and I almost so certain that I will never truly be happy.

Hiya anon,

No matter how much you may feel like one, I assure you you're not a burden. There are people who value and appreciate your existence, and you're always welcome here if you'd like to talk.

Just because your family seem happy without you, doesn't mean they're happy because of your absence. I don't think your mom would ask how you are each day without reason to, even if she's really closed off, it's likely she still cares about you. If you feel safe doing so, maybe next time she asks, you can tell her, "Actually I'm not feeling so great, is it ok if I vent for a while?" I imagine the worst she could do is not care, which you believe to already be true.

If you have friends you can vent to, but don't want to feel like a burden, something I know some friendship groups have done is create a discord or group chat solely for the purpose of letting everyone vent. The pandemic is affecting everyone, and I'm sure everyone is dealing with problems of their own, so create a space where you can all vent to each other without worrying about being the only one venting.

As for the future, well, you can never say for certain what will or won't happen. There are numerous accounts of familial relationships improving after moving out, but of course this isn't always the case. I can say though that you're bound to develop other meaningful relationships in your life. Of course you want your family's affection, you're human, and family's supposed to be a source of unconditional love. But they're not the only ones capable of giving you the happiness and affection you deserve, and I'm certain you'll be truly happy at some point in the future. Life has its peaks and valleys, but they always lead back to peaks again. You're not always going to feel this way. Xxx

Love~ Clover

[enbystede]

This Chat Says Gay Rights!

Yo so I started this Disney group chat fic lmao. If y’all have any requests for this au send them my way. Read also on AO3

jointhejamboree asked: Hey there! First of all, thanks for this blog! I really love all the resources you guys share. Secondly, I’ve been wanting to meet more people in the community, but I’m a bit intimidated by some of the groups that already exist, and how old some of them are. So I’m trying to start a discord server for lgbt+ kids under 16. If you could post this so anyone who was interested could dm me, I’d really appreciate it! Thank you!

lgbt-support answered: no problem buddy! I’m glad this blog has been helping you!

If any of you kids out there want a place to talk, send a message to @jointhejamboree!

~~~

glindareference: hey, could I join your server?

jointhejamboree: sure! [link]

jointhejamboree: here you go!

~~~

likeahurricane: whatsupfellowteens.jpeg

likeahurricane: anyway what’s up can I join the server

jointhejamboree: ofc! [link]

likeahurricane: *dabs*

jointhejamboree: *dabs back*

~~~

troopreads: can I join your discord?

jointhejamboree: yeah sure! [link]

troopreads: thank you!!

~~~

bowsandblitz: im lesbian. server pls.

jointhejamboree: yes miss lesbian [link]

bowsandblitz: kdkskdjah thank u <3

~~~

Baby Gays

Saturday 13:46

Mickey created the chat!

d duck joined the chat! Score!

pinkmouse joined your party!

d duck: what’s up fellow lgbts

Mickey: its introduction hours time

gooftroop just slid into the server!

gooftroop: hiya everyone!

itsdaisytime is here!

Mickey: cool! Everyone is here! Feel free to change your nickname in the chat and send a little intro thing I guess???

Mickey: lmao ive never done this before sorry

Mickey: anyway, I’m Mickey, I’m 14 and I use He/Him pronouns. My tumblr is jointhejamboree. I’m a huge theatre nerd and I’m here today to say I’m the worlds biggest gay

Mickey: oh also you don’t have to share your identity if you don’t want to

pinkmouse: minnie, 14, she/her or they/them, @glindareference, also a theatre nerd (weird coincidence lmao) I’m a trans girl and I’m not totally sure yet but I know I’m not straight : )

d duck changed their nickname to donald

donald: what’s up nerds I’m your local grunge enthusiast. I’m 13 and my tumble is @likeahurricane. I’m trans (he/him) and ,,,, uh,,,, not straight (lol I feel you minnie) but I’m also super in the closet irl so that’s. A thing.

itsdaisytime changed their nickname to Diamond Daisy

Diamond Daisy: I’m Daisy, I’m 14 and I’m lesbian. Pop music gay and femme af. @bowsandblitz

gooftroop: how do you change your name??

Mickey: if you like I can do it for you?

gooftroop: oh thanks! I’m not great with tech whoops. Could you change it to Goofy please?

Mickey changed gooftroop’s nickname to goofy

Mickey: done!

goofy: thank you Mickey!

goofy: I’m Goofy, I’m 15, I’m bi and I run a book blog called troopreads. Also in the closet so you don’t need to worry, donald.

Mickey: oh ya, big mood. We Stan the closet at this point in our lives! Esp when that thing keeps us safe!

pinkmouse: who wants to leave the closet, there’s wifi in here.

Diamond Daisy: well, I’m out to my family. But I guess I didn’t have to worry so much bc my sister and aunt are gay so I knew I would be supported.

donald: thats actually so cool. i wish I had gay relatives.

Diamond Daisy: it is pretty cool, not gonna lie. But I do still understand, I’m terrified to come out to my friends.

donald: welcome to gen z where as soon as there’s a safe open space everyone starts venting their issues at once

pinkmouse: we stan

donald: also wait hang on

donald: am i the youngest??

donald: thats so wild

Mickey: babey

donald: shhhhh

donald: fr tho I’ve always been the oldest . Oldest sibling, oldest cousin. This is weird lmao.

goofy: -pats u on head- we’ll look after you

donald: bless

Diamond Daisy: we stan our resident trans baby!

donald: djajjdjskdjsk SHUT

pinkmouse: all my uwus

donald: u i will allow bc ur my trans sister

pinkmouse: oh. shit.

donald: ??

pinkmouse: sorry. just. That’s actually the First Time someone has referred to me as a sister and I’m. Wow. Feels Good ™.

donald: OH WOW I LOVE MY TRANS SISTER MINNIE

Diamond Daisy: WE LOVE OUR DARLING SISTER!!!

Mickey: minnie is our favourite sister and that’s facts! (Sorry Daisy lmao)

Diamond Daisy: i will allow this. once.

goofy: Minnie seems like a really good sister :)

pinkmouse: YOU GUYS IM GONNA CRY HOW DO I ALREADY LOVE YOU WE MET LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR AGO

donald: scared lgbt kid solidarity

Diamond Daisy: worm

Mickey: mmmm big mood

pinkmouse: thanks you guys <3

goofy: I gotta go, my ma is calling me to go shopping with her.

donald: yeah I should finish my hw w/ my sister dumbella

Diamond Daisy: I know sibling banter is a thing but dumbella?? You really call her that??

donald: our parents called her that. thats her real name.

Diamond Daisy: WHAT THE FUCKLANDMWNSJOS?!!!?!?!?,,????!!?,,,?!!??!

donald: my legal name isnt much better. can’t wait to change that bitch.

pinkmouse: Big fuckin mood

~~~

Baby Gays

Sunday 11:14

donald: sound off gays whomst here has a Fucked family life

Rest on AO3 (tumblr won’t let me post all of it :/ )

[kae-karo]

I feel like tumblr is replacing me in every way in the lives of the people I care about. My friends care more about the notes they get or the cool blogs that talk to them than they do about me and its frustrating to the point where I want to delete the app even though ive been in the phandom for years bc every time they even make vent posts I feel sick and its selfish but we always confided in each other and now I just feel shoved into a corner every day and wonder what I’m doing wrong what do?

For more context, I could say anything and get a one word response but then some random blog with a lot of followers says the same thing and I get to hear about how funny they are and of course everybody else loves them its just me that’s sitting here wishing my friendship was equal to that. Am I just taking bring left out to seriously?

oof hi dear, i’m sorry to hear that :( but please never ever feel like your feelings are invalid. if it’s upsetting you, it’s worth addressing. now, i hate to be the person to say this bc i know it’s not the first thing people want to hear, but have you tried saying this to those friends? explaining how you feel and why you’re upset? sometimes people just don’t realize they’re doing it, and a gentle reminder or expression of how you feel can help set things back to normal

that being said, i know it’s v possible you’ve already done that. so one thing would be to talk to your friends individually - idk if this is all in a gc (group chat) or not but it can be really easy to ignore (or sometimes just to miss) something someone’s said when there are tons of other people there. perhaps try talking directly to your friends individually and see if that seems to make a difference? especially with those vent posts, sometimes that’s just how some people express that they might need someone to listen in a space that isn’t as wide open as a gc, or they may just need a reminder that you’re there and you care and you noticed they needed to get something off their chest, so maybe next time they feel that way, they feel more comfortable coming directly to you in a one-on-one environment

now, my last piece of advice (and the one that uhhh maybe you won’t like so much): just,,,,,stop? and i mean that in a couple ways

if it’s bothering you that these people aren’t treating you like a good friend anymore, stop talking to them. try to find new people who don’t seem so obsessed with tumblr/tumblr fame, or maybe try to meet some people irl who you may share some interests with. and i’m trying to say this in a way that doesn’t come off as cold and heartless, bc that’s not my intent here, but distancing yourself from people who only tend to make you feel bad (even if it’s unintentional or indirect) is good for you

stop caring (not about everything all the time, again, i’m not saying become a heartless person) if you say a thing to these friends, click send and immediately, in your head, go “look i said this thing because i wanted to say it and i’m not going to let their responses or lack thereof dictate how i feel”. and i’m not saying that’s easy or that it’ll work every time or even half the time but it can work sometimes and the more you say it the more your mentality changes. your happiness shouldn’t be dictated by how others perceive you, and it sounds like your friends may have lost sight of that (given what you’ve described as their obsession with tumblr fame)

and i know trust me i know it’s a hard thing to do, especially if you’ve been good friends with them in the past (i’m speaking from experience, shockingly) but you can always try it out and see how it goes. and remember that people grow and change and sometimes that means growing apart - and that’s okay, even if it’s a bit sad, because you all deserve just as much a chance to learn and grow and be the person you want to be, and sometimes that just can’t be done together

[sambashua]

hello friends!! to kick off 2018 i thought i’d spread a bit of mutual love:) this blog has now been around for a year and a half and i can’t even begin to count all the wonderful people i’ve met here. and for the many people i have just recently met i hope our friendship can grow in the new year!

please understand that i love and value you all fiercely and i truly want this year to bring nothing but happiness and success for everyone. i am always here to listen if any of you need to talk♡ everything will work out! you got this! 

below the cut are all my most cherished mutuals and loves

#-h:

@17dad @181217 @22woozi @2heejun @3rracha @aceshua @aka-minhyukuu @amessence @angelyoons @atshinee @bubkwan @burgerkingrapking @bynnybyung @cutiepatoodie @definitelythis @dongyonce @dowoon-yoon @emberandcelica @everyonesabiaswrecker @fooderaser @frxggi @g-te @gay7 @gigglyoongi @h0shii @healinghoshi @hellazelo @honestlay @hwallsgrl 

i-n:

@ilyjs @j-jimin @jaehyunscult @jinwoosmoles @junghansgf @jungyoh @justanotherfellowarmy @justsomekpopstuff @kae-popx @kihqun @kimblingbling @kpopsinarios @leetaeycng @lollipopp3725 @lovjeon @milky-waee @min-yoongle @minghaeo @minghaosamor @minigguk @missing-tonight @mjukbebi @mochisgrl @neojaehyun @nohteahyun @notsospookyrai

o-z:

@ofhoshi @ongbins @opossuum @ournaturesunnatural @peachesandkili @pledisgal @princesselkie @shinwrons @shuaplum @silentrobincall @softcheols @song-qian @sparky00997 @squishyshua @squishywonu @squishywooji @svthansols @sweetalking @taeismyking @the-bees-niece @witchywonhui @wonjunwoo @wonuverse @xiumallow @yongpal-i @yoonsunha

now for mushy messages♡ (i wish i could write more but this would truly get embarrassingly long)

@strawberryboo emmaaa how i ever have been lucky enough to meet such a wonderful human on this trash site honestly. you’ve been there for me in so many ways probably more than you’ll ever know! you are such a light of joy in my life and i am so thankful that we continue to talk every day and thank you for listening to everything i have to say and always being up for me to drown you in new groups (okay look at me going off brand w all these lowercASE)

@s-lay-ing claudia! cloud! CLOUD! you’ve slowly but surely become one of my favorite people ever:) we don’t talk too often but every time we do it is so special to me and you can always make me smile! (even when you’re trying to calm em and i down) thank you for always being up for anything and for always managing to make the best out of any situation (y para siempre conversa conmigo en my español roto)

@hoshi-ssi valentina♡♡♡ i can’t express how special you are to me:) you were my very first friend on this site and you made everything so much more special bc it’s always better to share what you love w someone!! bc of you i am a soonwoo bitch which is something to be thankful for by itself and thank you for all your lovely cat pictures and always letting me vent to you♡

@jungnoir majestie!!!!! okay so you are such an amazing, talented creative gal and like how can someone as cool as the maj chat on the daily w a dork like mEe? (i think you might be *looks both ways* a cool dork) but thank you for always being so open and fun to talk to! we never run out of things to day and i think that’s really significant bc i suck at continuing conversations honestly (MIRMAJ/MAJMIR FOREVER)

@1jeonsomi ivy! the light of my life and softest same age friend!! i’m so glad you reached out to me way back in june:) as my first friend primarily a gg stan i think you have really curved my kpop life haha we always have.. interesting conversations to say the least! i thank you for always confiding in me and trusting me and i hope we can get into more groups together in the future (honest why didn’t we think of it earlier??)

@babybyuny KOLBO you are always so funny whenever you come on the chat and such an amazing storyteller?? even tho we don’t talk as much i cherish you so dearly and i hope YOU CAN COME INTO THE CHAT MORE OFTEN!!! (this is a callout) even tho we always roast you you’re always a good sport we are the roasted duo together so i feel your pain

@blacklioness15 mel~~ you are such a bubbly sweet person! whenever we talk i learn something new just bc you’re such a fun gal like who is more fun than mel? no one lbr. i always enjoy your stories and your 30+ messages you leave me even if i take 804937 years to respond jfhg thank you for brightening my days!

@papajinjin audra! this bitch! all jokes aside you are a really lovely person (once you dig through allll the salt) who’s gotta lotta love:) thank you for always making me feel empowered and encouraging me to believe in myself! i believe in you too! you’re one of the smartest people i’ve ever met and you can do anything you set your mind (and salt) to

@yongceo jen bean! honestly the sweetest girl and most caring person♡ you have so much passion for everything you do and i admire that so much. i wish we talked more often bc you are so chill and calming! i love you a whole bunch and you can bet i will display my love in the form of junhyung, cheol and wonu pics♡

@jeonuwonu jacintaaa you are such a relaxed person and you always teach me new things! we live such different lives but are so similar on the inside it’s so wild~ i hope we can continue to talk and thank you for being a wonderful and caring human♡

@indiepoptime JAMIEEEE hello! even tho we started talking very recently i already consider you a friend i can confide in:) you are so talented and sweet and thank you for being so easygoing and chill and always being up for a good time!

@lipstick-chathao charlie! char! charmander! my newest, but very dear friend! you are hilarious in everything you do which is pretty much everything i aspire to be. thank you for being so open and crazy whenever i am! i think we match really well and i hope we continue to! #cheermanderforlife

also to my lovely friends irl i hope i express myself enough in person how much i love and cherish you all w my whole heart:D

a special shoutout to the @donghyuckdaily and @wonplis fam:) dani, olivia and zaya you guys always fill me w joy♡

and lastly thank you to everyone who follows this trash blog you’re the ones keeping this mess of a woman together

[cwombw]

so.... somebody i was dating up until about an hour or two ago is abusive and an abuse apologist

i’m gonna keep it short and im going to leave out a lot of things from public view unless somebody asks to see it, mostly for my peace of mind, literally no other reason, rest assured i have chatlogs and screenshots of what happened between us.

edit: the person in question is jeremytheman and runs a few other blogs including a dear even hansen kin aesthetics blog, he also runs kinsational, a kinchat i originally created myself. (it was dumb to give him server owner permissions, i know.) if you are in kinsational i implore you to leave. i will be remaking kinsational myself later.

lets just start off with this copy paste i have here bc it sums up what happened.

nicc-Today at 2:06 PM

hes abusive and an abuse apologist i told him about somebody who hurt me and my girlfriend and he instantly sided with them despite not having any proof that i was lying he called me a liar multiple times within the past hour, accused me of manipulating him and abusing him and abusing this person. even after i gave him all the proof i could he admitted to having lied about loving me and being happy with me and accused me of making him feel suicidal

screenshot of the message so im not accused of faking it. (fixed some typos in the c/p lol)

last night i had a huge breakdown where because of something my girlfriend said to me and has been saying to me for a short while now, i thought that i HAD to dump both this person and my other boyfriend in order to not make my gf jealous or hurt anymore, it literally tore at my heart and after sleeping on it after talking to star about it i realized that i could be with them anyway, it wasn’t my fault nor was it on me because star made me think that and star was the one who needed to change, not me. i apologized to both of them.

i was in the middle of trying to figure things out with jeremy (debated whether or not to name drop him..) when somebody who i already have a callout for joined this kin server we were both in that i had JUST joined moments prior. panicking i pushed him away and left the server and blocked the server owner. immediately upon talking to the person i called out jeremy decided that i was lying and trying to abuse this person with no proof from their side and proceeded to hound me for proof (which i gave all that i had to him but apparently it wasn’t enough. this is ironic considering he believed me about my abuser before despite having the same amount of proof.) panicking, upset, and very hurt i split on him and tried both to convince him that i was telling the truth and cushion the inevitable by saying coping statements (even if unhealthy) such as “you never loved me”, etc.

he started accusing me of guilt tripping him and being abusive, explicitly stating that he thought i was abusing him. he then admitted that he has been lying and hiding how he’s really felt towards me since day one (which is essentially summed up to “i never loved you”)

he said that ive made him miserable and suicidal and says that him betraying me isn’t an excuse for me “abusing” him

he said that me leaving chats he was in to avoid people i didn’t want to be around or me leaving group chats he’s in because i want some alone time and i feel like i’m not good enough to be included in his dating circle is abusive and manipulative. this is straight up a tactic that my abuser has used against me in order to control me, which he would know about, considering that i have shown him what my abuser has done to me before.

he said that me saying i wanted to kms is abusive and manipulative, further fueled by the fact that i am genuinely suicidal, according to him. he knows that i am off my anti depressants, having vented about it before where he could see it, he also knows that i have attempted before, so i have a complicated relationship with suicidal ideation.

he says that me saying nobody cares about me is manipulative and guilt tripping, except that i don’t say it to do that or even think about it like that, its just me venting, because i genuinely believe that it is true unless im having a good day, which is rare now due to me being off my meds and not being able to see a therapist for some time now, another thing he is blatantly aware of.

i tried begging him to talk to me about things, i offered to drop my stance about defending myself and my girlfriend against the person i had called out and listen to him which he then called another guilt tripping/manipulation tactic, which, while i was desperate to just.. make him believe i was telling the truth and to not leave me, again, i never thought of it that way, nor did i intend for it to be that way, if anything i was hoping that he would at least talk things out with me properly if i stopped being so headstrong and brash.

i have no idea if he plans to turn people against me or make a callout for me, i hope not.

i myself have been telling people what hes done to me and how hes made me feel (more than one occasion has made me feel worthless and made me want to die, among other things) not to turn others against him but to warn him about the kind of person he is, if they side with him, that’s their decision, but i really don’t want to be around the people who would side with him about what went down, considering the context.

if you know him or have met him and you believe him and the person i called out please go ahead and let me know i will remove you from my life. i don’t do devils advocate and i dont do spies.

[kenmaash]

huge ass vent

huge fucking vent ahead:

two of the people i'm ab to talk about follow me and i'm in deep shit if a certain one of them sees this (ALSO JAMIE IF UR READING THIS SHUT UR GODDAMN MOUTH AT SCHOOL)

i'll be using fake names for everyone but if anyone involved is reading this, they'll know who they are

ok so my love life is fucking WEIRD ok?

my first relationship was in early august 2019 and with this girl we’ll call jess. i had liked jess for like 2 months and finally got the balls to ask her out. she said yes and we went on like 2 dates before she broke up with me. she said that it would be ‘too hard to date someone who didn’t go to the same school as her’ which tf, and also she didn’t want her moms to know. even though they literally already knew. 

either way, i developed a crush on a girl in my class named ‘rose’ pretty fast but it was only a “shit she’s hot” crush so it did nothing. and that only lasted like 9 months simply thinking she was hot as fuck and nothing romantic.

that same year in november, i met this person named angel (fake name) at a dance. they were wearing a suit but also makeup and i was like “uh yes i want this one please” so i asked them out. well, my friend asked them out for me. angel an i exchanged numbers and started dating. we dated FOR 5 MONTHS before angel finally told me that they only had platonic feelings for me and had only liked me as a friend this whole time. i was so relieved because i felt the same way but was too scared to say anything. we’re still best friends and they’re still number one on my prettiest people list (ily ‘angel’ lol). they also helped me figure out my sexuality and gender identity so i owe a lot to them <3

ok here’s where the fucking weird shit starts.

(the rest is below the cut)

WEIRD ASS LOVE LIVE CONTINUED

ok here’s where the fucing weird shit starts.

in march-ish of 2020, i met this girl online named allie. we were best friends for 2 months before she confessed to me and we started dating. i fell in love super fast and ended up breaking up with her because i was afraid of what being in love with someone i hadn't met in person would come out to. the two weeks we were separated were the worst two weeks of my whole life (at the time) and i couldn't live without her. one of my best online friends confessed to me and i was just kinda like :’) and pretended to like her until i just couldn’t anymore.

like a week after that, i apologized and explained myself and we got back together. just for allie's mom to find out about us in august and block me, take her phone, threaten me and allie, and leave it at that. 

a little while later, i started talking to this girl (also online bc im literally stupid and didn't learn my lesson) and we started dating. that one lasted a week before i realized how much we weren't compatible. she was cool to have as a friend, but she was way too clingy and obsessive for me. i broke up with her and said i would wait for allie because she was much kinder to me and better for me.

a month or so later, a girl at my school (we'll call her taylor) admitted she liked me. i was up for dating because i thought it would help me get over allie.

it didn't, and i broke up with taylor after 'dating' for 2 days. (a pattern starts here)

allie's birthday was in october, and i tried to text her to see if she would respond, just wishing her a happy birthday etc.

she answered me.

allie and i talked for a little bit and i asked if she still had feelings for me and if it was still okay for me to call her my girlfriend. she said no, and it literally crushed me. she said that she was actually aromatic (doesn't feel romantic attraction) and i helped her figure that out. because she didn't love me.

so you can imagine how i felt then,,, i was so upset but obviously i didn't tell her. i asked if we could still be friends and she said yes. i had to leave to go to school so we said bye and i left. that afternoon, after school, i texted her again and asked how her birthday had gone. my message didn't deliver. the next day i asked if she blocked me, just to be sure. didn't deliver. so i tried again the next week and of course it didn't deliver. i tried to forget about her after that, but i still woke up every morning worried that something happened. fast forward to late december, when i developed feelings for one of my best friends (we'll call her sam).

my best friend figured out that sam liked me too, and we started dating. it lasted 48 hours before she told me she actually didn’t like me like that. (see what i meant about a pattern? it keeps going)

new years eve! i’m hanging out with my best friend and they decide to text allie. remember her? so allie answers and says she actually unlocked me a little while ago. so i text her from my phone and we talk.

only to have this girl tell me she’s actually not aromantic, she’s cis straight and has a boyfriend (she used she/they and identified as a lesbian when i dated her), and she lied to me the entire time we dated. she said she never loved me and she was “lying to herself as much as she was lying at me”. then she starts quoting bible verses at me and says “i don’t have a problem with other people being gay, i just can’t be. i just can’t”. and my friend and i agreed that she’s probably in denial and her church brainwashed her after her mom found out about us.

so she says that shE WONT BLOCK ME BUT WONT TEXT ME UNTIL WE’RE 18 (very soon) SO WE CAN MEET???????????? AND SHE WANTS TO MEET ME AND BE MY FRIEND????????????????? so i blocked her ass

-[let me bring up a creepy dream real quick. a few nights earlier, i had a dream that i met allie and we just hung out as romantic partners. she kissed me, hugged me, and i said goodbye. she just smiled sadly and said “sayonara, ash” WHICH IK HUGE BANANA FISH VIBES BUT in japan, “sayonara” is only supposed to be used if you’re never going to see someone again. in the dream she said sayonara to me and then this happened. i’ll never see the girl i knew again…]-

after that encounter happened, me and my best friend agreed that 2021 would be our year of getting over the people we’ve been in love with since march (allie for me and this other girl in our friend group for them). then 2021 came...

on like the 10th of this month (january lol), this girl in my class started flirting with me. i flirted back bc there’s no harm in that yk lol. she was straight but ended up turning queer because of me. i went WAY too fast and shoved myself into a relationship with (we’ll call he summer). she ignored me the entire time the ‘relationship’ happened. it lasted 48 fucking hours (i’m really just moving through these girls in my friend group like thatttt) before i told her i rushed myself and didn’t actually have feelings for her. she was like “lol fine” and then badmouthed me to our entire grade for the rest of the week. she was on our friend group group chat and started badmouthing me there too, but one of my best friends just removed summer’s sorry ass and we all blocked her on everything. i’ve been in this friend group for 6 years and she’d only been officially in it for a week, so idk why i was so surprised that my friends were so loyal to me through this whole thing.

ANYWAYS, the day after i broke up with summer, i realized i had feelings for sam again. i’m not going to act on them because i love her too much as a best friend, but the feelings are there and she follows me so im kinda dying lol. (i also figured out recently that she didn’t rly understand relationships and though that people who dated only dated when they were fully in love with each other, and she was in love with me back in december and had been for a while. she only fell out of love when i reciprocated,,, so uh :D)

i also spend $80 on stuff for sam yesterday and my fucking caRd dECLINED WTFFFFFFF AMAZON??

,

,

,

,

,

tyvm for sitting through this, anyone who decided to do that <33

[steamishot]

Start of June

it feels like a lot and nothing has happened the past few weeks. what i mean by this is that there’s a lot going on in the world regarding the BLM movement, but i haven’t left my house much or at all to be engaged in it myself. the week of the riots, i heard lots of sirens, explosions/gun shots?, fireworks, helicopters, etc. in the comfort of my own home. my social bubble is mostly all minorities as well, and pro-BLM. i’ve never seen my social media become entirely political, which makes sense as the majority of us are in a stay at home order and are more involved now in social media than ever. that said, i’ve enjoyed reading the discussions, and am trying to educate myself more on the matter. 

on may 23, hana kimura passed away from suicide at age 21 due to cyberbullying. she was a japanese pro wrestler and was cast in one of my favorite reality tv shows, terrace house. she was part of the last season that just aired. although i didn’t particularly like or dislike her in the show, i thought it was devastating that she took her own life, and how eerie it was that we watched in entertainment the few months prior to her death/what essentially led to her death. my heart was heavy a few days for her. on may 26, protests for george floyd began in minneapolis. by may 28, protests had spread to LA and other large cities. shortly after, protests turned into riots/looting and our country became a shitshow. curfews were implemented at like 5pm at one point. for me, it didn’t really make a difference. but my dad’s employees were afraid of getting arrested for being out past curfew bc they were working. we supplied them with employment verification letters. my black friend k, also mentioned she was afraid driving to work for her night shift due to the curfew and being black. her employer also provided a letter. i felt like what we had been fearing since the start of COVID finally came true. i don’t know what to expect in the future.

running: i’ve been staying consistent with this, and tracking my time/efforts is definitely effective. compared to my strength/HIIT workouts in which i do more casually, i can see point blank that i’ve made improvements in running. strength wise, i *think* i’ve improved, but also don’t keep track of any reps as literal proof of improvement. there are pros and cons to this as well- i put much more pressure on myself when i run, and feel disappointed when my time is slower than anticipated. i’m learning to not be too focused on the numbers, and just be content that if i train consistently (+/- 20 seconds per mile), my health will continue to benefit and that will show in my numbers regardless. for example, my average times per mile in a 3 mile run for april, may and june (so far) are as follows: 12′50″, 11′10″ and 10′38. i used to only follow olivia amato when i first started, but now she stresses me out! haha. i definitely think she’s one of the toughest instructors in the running category. she’s constantly telling us to up our speed/sprint for short periods of time. it now makes me anxious when i can’t follow her, so i’ve been exploring the other trainers who are more endurance focused. i try to do the most recently uploaded videos, because i can see on the leaderboard that there are others taking the class too in real time. 

since i started chatting daily with my reddit medspouse friend K, i’ve felt less of an urge to vent about my relationship here lol. she’s a harvard and CMU grad - and is so intelligent and articulate that i wish her gift of intelligence will trickle down to me too haha. i can say, our relationship is not an easy ride. it always feels tougher - because it is - when he’s on a hard rotation. he’s currently on ICU right now, which means 12 hour work days, 6 days a week minimum. that’s AT LEAST 72 hours a week. on saturday, i was really worried because it was already past 10pm est and he hasn’t come home, when he normally would have been home by 7:30pm. i have him on find my friends, so i saw that he was at the hospital, but my first thought was - did something happen to him, where he was admitted into his own hospital? lol. especially during COVID and protesting, my mind just assumed the worst. thanks to technology and him sharing his apple watch health stats with me, i saw he had walked 11k steps that day. so then i concluded, phew, he’s alive and walking. he just has an insanely long day.

other updates:

- i started rearranging my investments and put more into trading via robinhood. with such a volatile stock market right now, it’s quite addicting and scary at the same time. but i’m hoping for some large returns. *crossed fingers*

- i cooked clam linguine and lobster tail this week

- my SIL announced she’s having a girl 

- had a taiwan group reunion with the 6 of us (g, e, k, j, and i). it’s been like 5 years since we all met up together in one space. 

- prompted by the reunion, i finally found my external harddrive and went down memory lane from old pics taken in college/study abroad. i uploaded the study abroad photos onto a cloud platform, and will eventually do that for the other pics i have. the pictures are too precious to not have a backup.. of the backup

- been really feeling the new season of insecure. this season focuses on the friendship between issa and molly - and wow, i definitely am blown away by how raw it is. i see myself in molly, and the show has  got me checking myself and recognizing my flaws.

[cxruscxte--archive-blog]

300+ FOLLOWER FOREVER (Speech && mentions under the cut)

Inhales

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

OK BUT

WHAT ???

I can’t believe I already have 300 followers!!! I don’t think I can say anything more that I haven’t said in my last follower forever. I love every single one of you to no absolute end, you guys! It’s a stupid thing to say, but I do not think highly of my portrayal of Angie, she’s much sadder than she should be hahaa,, but all of you have done such a great job of making me feel better about it, like following me or wanting to interact with me. All of it makes me feel like my Angie isn’t as bad as I think it is! You’re all absolute sweeties and I keep making more friends as time passes. It feels amazing here, even if I do encounter a few bumps along the way!

I know I take a long time to make replies and I probably should be writing up ask replies instead of doing yet another follower forever, but oh WELL WHAT CAN YA DO

Like before, I’ll tag a few of my good acquaintances (BC I DON’T KNOW IF YA’LL CONSIDER ME A FRIEND–) and pat their backs virtually for being nice to me.

BUT BEFORE I DO SHOUT OUT TO MY NON-RP FRIEND

@bettynayo | BBY I LOVE YOU ??? YOU’RE LIKE THE ONLY PERSON I’M GONNA CALL A FRIEND HERE BC I’M FAIRLY CERTAIN WE’RE FRIENDS HHHA—I’LL NEVER FORGET THAT FAITHFUL NIGHT YOU SENT ME THAT DRAWING OF KOA AND I ACTUALLY STARTED CRYING??? I will literally never get over that ok, your art is super beautiful and I love it and I love you most importantly and you’re like always there and hHHH A A we totally need to do a skype call someday bc we can sing Hamilton songs I’ll scream “TO THE GROOM” at you bc that’s the only line I know out of the hour I listened (That’s a lie, I can probably sing You’ll Be Back from memory) you’re my Shinnaga, musical, Kenichi Suzumura, relatable daily struggle™ and most importantly – my hentai art friend and I absolutely love you ok REMEMBER THAT LET’S NEVER STOP TALKING MY DUDE IN 60 YEARS WE CAN BOTH SIT ON BENCHES OUTSIDE IN OUR OWN ENDS, FEEDING THE PIGEONS AND CHATTING ON FUTURISTIC TUMBLR

Ok now that this little shite is over with FOR MY MAIN ROLEPLAY BNITCHES

@zxtsubxu | I felt like I had to mention you first idk why. YOU MAKE ME FEEL PAIN—literally let’s just kill each other with angst,, I love your writing and I never thought that ?? I could ship ??? Mastermind Eggo and Idorru Anggg ??? LITERALLY WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME (jkjk Ily)

@mxgicxlrxd | HI GIN ur a good Himiko and we never actually had a thread but oH WELL HAH A maybe one day when we both manage to finish our replies. But for real tho, I absolutely love you, you’re really great and UR THE SHIT UR MY HIMIKO UR A GOOD I LO VE Y O U BEEEEPIPIPI

@not-a-suspicious-guy | Goldy, MY DUDE- I have to make you a reply im sorry omg don’t hurt me,, but okay really, you’re like a super great Amami and your writing is top notch™ PLUS UM ??? YOUR ART ??? WHAT THE HELL GOALS ???? listen, you actually made me love Amami even more than I did before and I don’t understand,, let us both sit in a problematic chair position as we pray to our one and only lord Ran Through A Mommy (remind me to marry u in 8 years btw)

@kxaito | NGL I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION YOU I’M ADDING YOU LAST MINUTE—I was like “GASP SHIT PEYTON–” it’s no follower forever without everyone’s favorite Kaito ; ) you’re really nice and like I hope we’re both gazing at the same stars right now ah our love shan’t die—what am I even talking abt soRR Y SORRY UR THE STAR BAE and your Kaito is so ?? good ??? if it wasn’t for you I’d probably wouldn’t be wallowing in despair for Kaito rn GEE THANKS

@pseudxcode | WE’VE NEVER HAD A THREAD EITHER OOP but ur great, ur art is great, please, if I talk good shit abt u will you let me kill all the magical girls and present their corpses to Chihiro (JKJK) srsly tho, your Chihiro ??? more like GOOD SHIT™ and we should probably make an actual thread ( ; ) magical gals)

@hcnorcoded | UM AHRI AHRI A H R  I !!!!! MY FIRST FRIEND!!!! THANK ! YOU ! FOR ! EXISTING ! You’re an absolute beauty and so is your Ishimaru, I love you x25 and just ?? just ??? kudos for being such a beautiful human being and actually taking your time and talking to Living Breathing Trash Can Em,, I’ll be the Rin to ur Pana (KAYOCHIN)

@positivepianist | POSI YOU ARE MY GOLDEN HUED SWEETHEART AND I JUST ?????????????? BNITCH WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD TO EVERYONE ?????? whY ARE YOU SO GOOD TO ME WHAT ??? I don’t deserve your super duper preciousness and you totally deserve the love people give you and the more you apologize the more I’m like “the hell are you apologizing for you’re the best human here you’re super puRE DO NO T” I want to hug you a lot you seem so huggable + ur Kaede is just the best Kaede and I just I WANT TO HUG UR KAEDE TOO

@docilexdisguises | DEST YOU LITERALLY JUST MADE A FOLLOWER FOREVER THANK U FOR MENTIONING ME AND LIKE LISTEN the world needs to know abt the Ikea thing we have. Magical girl group verse ??? nah that’s shit. Lost in Ikea group verse??? HERE’S WHAT’S MCHECKING LIT FAM THAT’S THE SHIT MAKE IT KNOWN – no but seriously, your Tsumugi is great, it made me warm up to the actual Cosplay Trash no matter how infuriated she makes me feel lma o—

@relixum (and ur other blogs im too lazy to mention) | it us !! the uncoolest kiddo squad !!! I haven’t talked to u in like a week and I feel bad for doing that lmao oops—but seriously, I love your writing !!! your Hinata is the perfect Hinata and I love how you portray him ??? idk what it is buT YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOUR HINATA SPECIAL !!! Maybe it’s because ur a special human too hohoho—alright but seriously (ALSO IMMA MENTION IN EVERY FOLLOWER FOREVER BUT THE SALT && PEPPPER AU–)

@ahogerobotto | at this point, all my compliments are drained and idk what to say anymore and AAAAAA—Sai, your Beep Boop Robotto is super good and you too are super great and I swear to god, you’re making me love Kiibo more like I just ??? uGH AAAA I blame you for my emotional pain for Kiibo hahA

And now, a line-up of Shinguuji’s

@hominumfabula | RIGHT UH I HAVEN’T SAID HI TO YOU IN AGES BUT YOU’RE STILL A SUPERB GUUJI and u too are a superb human being, you’re nice and you’re a meme and idk what else to say you’re a Golden Trash Can™ I can’t keep coming up with new shit abt u, ur just rlly good and remember that ok

@xshinguuji | there’s too many Shinguuji’s for me to even talk abt anything extra hhO—buT SERIOUSLY you’re super good and you’re a real sweetie ???? I’d hug you as much as I’d hug Posi tbh and I’d also hug your Guuji ??? he’s a sweet boi™ (probably takes it from the equally sweet mun

@shinguvji | confession time, I actually just spent 20 seconds trying to remember your url name bc I’m typing it all in word and I just ??? “wait what’s Iggy’s Guuji url heck” but seriously I just ??? I’m sorry about Foodfight, I’m sorry you have to live through that bullshit bUT I’M NEVER GONNA LET YOU LIVE IT DOWN AFAFSAFSDAS srsly tho your Guuji’s great, you’re great, I’d let you be my bath demon any day and I’ll share all my Kappa facts with you

BABES I FEEL LIKE I DON’T TALK TO ENOUGH AND I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO CALL YA’LL MY GOOD BNITCHES BUT MAYBE IN THE FUTURE—

@malchancevilain | ARE WE FRIENDS OR ???? Idk I like you and we need to meme around more and make like 1252835923582 inside jokes so I’d be like “OH LOOK IT’S A GOOD TOGAMEME” and I mean you’re still a good togameme BUT ARE WE LIKE ACQUAINTED ENOUGH FOR ME TO SAY THAT WITHOUT BEING WEIRD OR—OK BUT SERIOUSLY thanks for like thinking of literally everything for the magical girl verse thank u bby

@snappshot // @cantatory | ok so RIVAL GROUP ASDASDAasf we need to plot more so I could write that magical girl starter for u aaaaaaaaaa—ok but rlly ur great, ur muses are great, we need to talk more hhhaaha

@nullverum | im too lazy to mention ur oc blog bye- BUT INHALES – YOU’RE T OXI C I’M SL I PP ING UND E R srsly ur good keep being a meme

@gambogeish | I WASN’T SURE WHICH CATEGORY YOU BELONG TO AAAAA but seriously, I enjoy talking to you and hhh thank you for the beautiful image of Saihara with a magical girl skirt (Marilyn Monroe vent scene with Saihara tho haha wink wonk)

@thirdtimemasterpiece | hhHH I DON’T KNOW IF I SHOULD CONSIDER YOU A SUPER FRIEND HH—BC I CONSIDER EVERYONE A SUPER FRIEND BUT IM NOT SU R E – but ok uh thanks for getting the MH theme permanently stuck in my head ??? // your Angie is good tho u are the senpai I shall learn from you

HEY HO I THINK THAT’S ALL ????

[realtransfacts]

Hey, I'd like advice in dealing with a loved one's dysphoria (I'm enby but less dysphoric than Rey). So I'm in a poly relationship and in a triangle with Rey en Zed. Rey (they/them) is a nb trans girl has pretty bad dysphoria whenever Zed (she/hers) -who is mostly a femme cis woman- posts a picture that shows off herbody in our group chat. Now, Rey has -apparently- only ever told ME that Zed's pictures trigger their dysphoria, which led of course to this happening again, today. 1/3

Rey sounds pretty aggressive to me when they are venting about dysphoria, especially towards Zed. Their passive aggresion and cursing upsets me quite a bit, and Zed felt very guilty upon realising ‘her body causes [Rey] pain’. Me and Zed also feel upset that we’re unable to help Rey. (My dysphoria is less intense and I don’t have experience in physical transition and Rey isn’t very good or forward about formulating their needs). 2/3

Any tips on (1) how to help Rey better? (2) How I should handle my feelings on the way they vent. I want them to feel comfortable about venting, but in a way that I don’t feel attacked? (I’ve had a manipulative partner once and it was bad) sorry for long ask, language may be bad bc low spoons and not native speaker, names are alts 3/3

The key to any good relationship is good communication.

So if you haven’t already, I suggest telling Rey what you told me here - that you want to help them feel better but you don’t know how, and that you’d want them to perhaps be less agressive when they are venting to you so that you don’t need to feel personally attacked by it.

Everyone’s dysphoria is different, so I’m afraid I can’t tell you what the best way to help Rey with their dysphoria is - that is a question that only they are qualified to answer.

I hope that Rey will be able to help you find a way that you can support them and help them lessen their dysphoria, as well as that they will be understanding wrt your feelings when it comes to their venting.

[spocksaestheticblog-blog]

so i wrote some NATM fanfiction starring my two favorite morbid egyptian shitpost brothers ft. a very tired larry daley and also the police. and the assumption that its the franklin museum bc tbh im in PA and honestly, its definitely the franklin museum. no one gives a fck there. its in philly. no ones gonna bat an eye if a neandertal homeless lookin dude bursts into dust in the street.

it goes along with these two arts if anyones wondering

this is probably just chapter 1 but i dont know if im really gonna write more, honestly a lot of this is just vent for my own trauma so take that with a grain of salt, and dont expect this to be. good. or coherent.

content warning for CSA references and self harm, foul language.

The young pharaoh wakes up to the familiar voice of Larry Daley, letting out a few deep coughs as he clears the dust from his lungs and brushes centuries old sand from his robes. “Ahk, I know we talked about this before, but I want to make sure you’re prepared, because I think one of the mummies in the new exhibit might be. Your brother.”

“…Oh! Where are they kept, then?! I haven’t seen him in many an age!” Akhmenra leaps out of his sarcophagus, only to have Larry put a hand out to stop him in his tracks.

“…You heard me, right? Your brother. The one that you told me held a pillow over your head while you were trying to sleep.”

Akh winces, suddenly regretting telling Larry about that. “…Too dark? It happened in Egypt all the time. I’m sure he had a reason. I would have done the same thing, probably. Maybe.”

Larry levels him a patented Look, but Akh waved it off, bouncing in place. Eventually, Larry caves and leads him down the hall, only to have someone round the corner and smack directly into Larry, knocking him to the ground. The figure brushes back complicated, gold-ringed braids that end in golden bird feet, coughing and trying to speak.

“Hhhhheh. Hkhkk- hehk- hh. Hello.”

Akhmenra’s eyes widen at the sight of his brother in the flesh, bound in linens just as he himself was, scars peeking out behind braids along the back of his neck, only slightly paler than he had been in life. Even so, he still proved to be tanner than Akh, kohl smudged into the deep crows feet around his eyes only accentuating this fact.

“Hey, yeah, I’m Larry. I’m not sure we’ve met…?”

Kahmunra. He was actually here.

“…Oh. Okay. Hyeah… I remember you.” His voice is rough, but smooths out slightly the more he speaks, lisp ever present as usual. “…You tfhwarted my plans! My uh, evil plans, heh! Army of the dead and all that…”

Akhmen can’t help but run up and hug the older Egyptian, despite their history. Even when Kahmun flinches, he drags his brother to a bench and sits him down, immediately occupying the spot next to him. “How did you get here?! Do you remember anything else? Tell me everything!”

Kahmunra looks…slightly paler at that, wincing, but gesturing as he begins to describe his adventures as a wax dummy. “Honestly, it washnt that interesting. Shpent a lot of time in shtorage watching videos, mosthly.” He pulls his arm back when he’s noticed the bandages aren’t covering his wrist, so Akh only gets a glimpse, but it almost seems like his arm has…stripes. Something.

He watches as Kahmun jumps to his feet. “Hey, I heard ththhhat- that there was a groshshs- grocers nearby! Wwh why dont we go there? I hhavent eaten in centuries!”

Larry rolls his eyes, even as Akh looks rather surprised at the sudden outburst. It seems Larry is far more used to catering to the whims of every single museum member, and at this point he’s just numb to it and going through the motions. The young pharaoh, at least, has the understanding to know that Kahmun typically hates public spaces and anything that requires too much effort, and he certainly hasn’t been awake here long enough to know about anything in the immediate area.

“I suppose we could head to the Trader Joe’s before it closes. I’m pretty loaded, so. Go nuts, I guess. We should probably get you something to wear on top of that, first, though.”

Kahmunra barely gives them time to blink, making a beeline for the locker room. He’s out in under a minute, wearing sweatpants and ill-fitting sneakers with a jacket that looks far too big, hanging haphazardly over one linen covered shoulder like a fashion statement. “A’right, less’go, time waitsh for no one!”

It’s actually a shorter walk than he expects, but he’s still nervous about someone recognizing them from the museum, especially since he wasn’t given any time to change out of his own royal robes. Kahmun’s assurances that everyone assumes they’re actors is not much comfort, and he really isn’t looking forward to any sort of questions about his job at the museum even if that is the case. He’s not even sure why Kahmunra insisted on leaving the museum in the first place, and he certainly doesn’t want to ask, but Larry doesn’t seem to mind escorting both of them, so he shrugs it off.

There’s less people here than he thought. A few stragglers give him some odd glances here and there, but for the most part, it’s almost empty, and no one bothers them. He starts to worry, though, because Kahmun is simply staring blankly at a box of cereal on the shelf, looking vaguely lost. When he places a hand on his brother’s shoulder, Kah finally speaks, voice low and soft.

“I didn’t mean it, you know. I jusht. I-I didn’t mean it. Yhyou know that, right?” Akh opens his mouth to respond, but Kahmun wanders farther down the aisle like a frightened animal when Larry approaches. Akhmenra jolts slightly as Larry pulls him aside, giving him a confused look as he does so.

“Ahk, he MURDERED you. Do you really trust what he says? You don’t know he’s not lying.”

Larry’s grip on his arm is tight, almost painfully so, as he eyes Kahmun suspiciously from around the corner of the aisle. Akh can see from here that his brother is hiding behind a display case, trembling and avoiding his gaze, looking as if he wants to crawl into the shelves and die. Akh pries Larry’s fingers off of his arm, watching the pale handprint fade from his skin as blood flows back into it.

Without even blinking, Akhmenra slaps him immediately, almost as hard as he possibly can, right palm stinging painfully from the force of it. It’s the only thing that he’s really properly felt in a long time, and he hates it.

“…You don’t know what it was like. For him, or for me. You weren’t THERE. This isn’t something you could possibly contextualize! Don’t TALK to me. Don’t even LOOK at me ever again. I don’t want to see you any more.”

By the time he turns his head to check on his brother, he’s already gone. Distantly, he registers the sound of the automatic doors at the front of the store, and he bolts. This has happened before when they were alive, but never when he’s been close enough to do anything about it. He follows his brother’s footsteps almost instinctually, even when that leads him up a fire escape to the roof of a building, even when his brother is faster, even when he sees a sliver of still-lingering color in the sky, despite sunset having been an hour ago. It’s too early for this. It’s far too early for this.

He stops in his tracks. Kahmun isn’t anywhere near the edge of the roof, so… So what is he doing? Is he okay? Are things okay now? Maybe he just needed space? A million thoughts race through his head as he hesitantly approaches the roof access pillar that his brother is hiding behind. He can’t stop trembling, the residual adrenaline leaving him weak and nauseous.

The panic comes back full force as he rounds the corner. Where did Kahmun even get a knife? Who let him have a knife? Why would…Who would…The sight of blood is too much. It’s far too much. Akh finds himself wrenching the knife from Kahmun with more force than necessary, tossing it far over the edge of the building.

Kahmunrah slumps against the brick wall, eyes unfocused and lids heavy. He sobs openly.

Akhmenrah had never actually properly seen Kahmun’s arms without the linens. He desperately wraps linen around the fresh, deep gashes that bled too fast for his comfort, cutting off circulation. But below those are older scars, he sees now, thousands of them, more than he can count, raised skin like ridges along most of his arm. How long… How long had this been going on? Akh knew about the scars on his back, where the linen sat loose around his collarbone and raised, scarred flesh had always been prominent up the back of his neck. But those were not so obviously self-inflicted.

These scars, these were the kind he’d only seen before on a handful of teens that wore long sleeves in the middle of summer. The ones that strayed to the back of the group, the ones that avoided eye contact. He used to chat with them the most, because they always looked so empty and sad, but he had never…understood.

“…I know it was an accident. I know. I’m here now. It doesn’t matter any more. It never mattered. Please…Please don’t ever- You do not deserve this. Fuck, our parents deserve this, but not you. Not you. You did what you could. Please…Please don’t die. You deserve better.”

He watches his brother turn away slightly, no longer sobbing, instead letting hot tears roll down his face silently as he stares at the ground. He says nothing, and Akh almost wants to shake him to make him believe, hands still wrapped around the wound.

“…D-do you want to go to a hospital? We could- I could. I could just.”

“…I want to go back to the museum. To my sarcophhagus. I want to sleep,” Kah holds up his free hand in surrender as Akh opens his mouth, “-Just sleep. Jusht a nap. Just a quick nap. I’ll- I’ll be okay…” Kahmun laughs, and Akh swallows loudly, trembling still. “…This isn’t even the most blood I’ve ever losht. It’s barely anything. Don’t worry.”

Akhmen can’t even hold it in any more. He sets his forehead against Kahmun’s and wails. He sobs openly as he remembers all the moments in his childhood he tried to forget, tried to bury under dark humor and amusement and authority. He’d watched countless Jews beaten to death by his father’s hands when he was but a child, remembering vividly the face of one of them trying to reassure him, a five year old child, holding what was soon to be a corpse. He remembers being eight and barely being able to breathe from the inside of a pot, fingers burning from the scrapes he’s gotten trying to move the lid, falling still only when he hears pained screaming that he only dimly recognizes as his brother. He remembers the one time he finally managed to raise the lid of his prison, only to shut it again in horror as, for a brief moment, he glimpses nudity and blood through the crack of light. For all of his lifetime he’d assumed his brother was simply trying to torture him, that he’d been playing tricks on him all this time. But he knows what he saw. He knows, and he’d denied it, and he’d pretended all this time that it wasn’t real.

It’s fucking killing him. He knows, now, or maybe he had always known. Kahmun was…hiding him. From this. From whatever this was… And he had hated his brother for this all his life. He’d told people, actual people, that his brother had killed him out of malice. That it was an act of spite and hatred.

“It… It wasn’t an accident. It was never an accident. I couldn’t… I couldn’t let you live like this. I knew what the tablet was, I couldn’t…I couldn’t let you figure out how they made it. I couldn’t let you live like that. I couldn’t live with that. I couldn’t. I couldn’t look at that. I knew. I knew and I let them do it because I was selfush, I. I thought I could take it and mhmaybe this time would be… Maybe it would be differnht. But- But it isnh’t differint at all.”

Akh’s hands drop to his sides loosely. He wants Kahmun to stop talking. He wants to beg Kahmun to stop talking. He can’t handle this, he has no means of processing this, and he cannot handle this knowledge, this torment. Most of all, he desperately wants to feel some sense of betrayal, some sort of pity, anything else other than the intense shard of empathy that feels like hot knives through his blood.

“…I. I wanted to live. Not jusht…Live. I wh- to- I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be okay, just this once. I thought it would be okay if I cccould jusht. I deserved better! I deserved better and I ththought if I lived again that maybe everything wouldn’t… I thought it wouldn’t hurt. I thought everyfhing would be…Okay. I thought… I didn’t know… I…”

Please. Stop. Talking.

For the love of Ra, please stop talking. Anything. Please. Don’t let me hear this.

“…I didn’t- think. I didn’t think the tablet would wake him up. I thought he’d be dead. I thought things would be okay thhis time.”

Akh wishes he’d stayed dead. He wishes he didn’t know. He wishes they were both dead. He doesn’t know what to wish for. His brain scrambles for some semblance of hope or happy outcome or any shred of decency in the immediate future, but nothing is there. Instead, he grasps the wound again, properly wrapping it this time so, hopefully, Kahmun won’t lose any more blood.

“I knknknow you dduhn. nn. nh. srv- dhshr- you’re more worth this thhan I am. Yhhhyou deserved a life. Bhut this is the best I could do. I. I wanted you to have shshomenthing where you would be safe. Not…”

Akhmenrah frowns gently, holding up a hand. “…Kahmun. You need to stop talking. You’ve lost blood.”

“…I kknow. M’sorry bout th…The mess.” Kahmun coughs slightly, more out of embarrassment than anything else, clamping the hand of his good arm on his brother’s shoulder so he can use the leverage to pick himself up. Akh reaches a hand up weakly, as if to stop him, then lets it fall as Kah manages to stand on his own, looking none the worse for wear despite the paleness and the blood.

They both walk back to the museum in silence.

Akh’s feet stop moving when he feels an arm against his chest. When he looks up, there’s at least two police cruisers in front of the museum, and quite a few officers. Kahmun gently hooks his good arm around Akhmenra’s, tugging him backwards through the dark alleyway as slowly as he can.

“…What did you do?”

“I shsshs. I woke up- h  hh. He was right there- hhe wwh. Lifting the lid. I panicked! I ddidn. tuh. uh. I. I panicked. I- I did shay i was sorry a-ah- about the mess.”

“Blessed Amun, what the fuck, Kahmun?! We aren’t even going to jail for this! How are we going to explain this?! What’s going to happen?! What if he comes back? Is he going to come back? Do you know what’s gonna happen when they take his body away?”

Kahmunra looks at him with a joy he’s never seen.

“…I did it. We’re free.”

“No, see, Kahmun, that body is going to decintegrate as soon as the sun rises. What are the police going to do once that happens, huh? They’re gonna see it was a mummy and they’re gonna come after ALL of us!”

Looking smug, Kahmunrah smiles, pressing his tongue through the gap in his crooked front teeth.

“When the sun rishes, someone’s going to see the body’s mishsing from the museum. They’re gonna have a case file, and a bunsh of police that are going to look like they got completely trashed and stole a mummy from a museum. No one is going to look for ush, Akhi.”

The young pharaoh eyes the police warily from the shadows, ducking both of them behind the corner so they’re safely out of view. “…Alright, but I sure hope you’re right. What…What do we do until then? You’ve got a busted arm we need to hide, and we do need to get back in the museum before sunrise…”

“…I saw a CVS around here. Let’s jusht hang out there like it’s the movie Mannequin and we’re Samantha trying to seduce Andrew McCarthy into giving us free sshit.”

Akh’s laughter is almost music, and he gladly follows Kahmun.

………………………………………��…………………………………

[survivorbouvetisland]

Episode #1: “I Have To Offer Him As A Pagan Sacrifice AGAIN” - Andrew

COLE

Confessional: my tribe literally annoying people, but I’m pretty sure we are going to win the scavenger hunt

TRIXIE

Well Cole is the only person who has talked to me so far, we both like turtles! It’s good to have at least something in common in this group of strangers, but I hope to learn more about them as they open up to me :D

It’s been a few hours now since the cast reveal and I really like my tribe so far! I feel fairly confident that we’ll win. I’m trying to get to know Cole and Kelsey right now, Kelsey seems like someone I can really come to trust. I’m working to complete the scavenger hunt spreadsheet so I can prove I’m a strong team player.

It’s an hour until the scavenger hunt closes. I’ve been talking personally with Kelsey and Regan and they both seem trustworthy. I don’t know if I should go to them and form a girl’s alliance or if I should keep them as allies separately. I really wanna vote the guys off, starting with Porcupine.

Results are in and our tribe is safe. I think Porcupine might be an ally but I think he’s also a bit flip floppy so I don’t know. I can’t wait for this to progress so I can show everyone my competitive side and win

After chattin with Porcupine/Bodhi/whatever I feel like we could get along better than Kelsey/Regan who I no longer trust. He also agrees that Regan is unstable and would rat a friend out at the first chance she got. I think we may be a good team together. He also dislikes Cole and thinks he is untrustworthy

QUILLYNN

umm so my tribe.. yeah i think they are okay, i’m worried because everyone seems more experienced than me and I hope they aren’t just going to try and take out the new bitch.

rigger morris. These people going to vote me out first chance they get i just know. They be knowing each other since preseason? They literally… don’t even talk to me, like a couple do and i know its still early, but i don’t like it. When can i flip on them? bring me a tribe swap pleath!

I’m working my ass off in this immunity challenge, hopefully my hard work will help me convince my tribe not to vote me out if we go to tribal. Best case scenario we avoid tribal until a swap happens and I can hopefully make better connections with a new tribe.  

the level of unprofessionalism, it is 40 minutes until the end of this immunity and there are still things blank that people have said they’d be doing! Like the lipsync? I could have filmed that last night while working on the daisy song but didn’t, because someone claimed to have it done.. fuck that bitch! I know i complain a lot and really just use this confessional as a place to vent but honestly! its day two and i’m done with this tribe! send them all home! fuck these bitches!  

i fucking can’t. Austin & Andrew posted an OLD ASS lipsync from an old game THEY WERE IN TOGETHER?! I fucking can’t right now? are they daft? are they thick? They’ve played before they should understand the fucking rules… Thanks for putting me on the developmentally disabled team I really appreciate it.  

i’m really disappointed in my tribe this week. It seems clear that austin, andrew and jay have each other’s back and honestly I think they feel as though winning immunity doesn’t really matter at this point as they have two easy votes being jacob and myself. I don’t know where nicholas is at with the tribe but I feel he’s closer to the three than I am. I’ve definitely put the most effort into this challenge and don’t want to end up in tribal because of a lazy fucking alliance. I’ve said this before, but I really hope I make it to merge and live to see their downfall, and hopefully play a role in it.

i’m really happy we won this challenge, I was worried but am starting to get more confident in my team. I still think that *those three* are still a big threat and although I like them all personally I think it would be best for me if they get split up.

I’m trying hard af to find this idol! its seeming impossible at this point. I fell like I’ve tried everything from survivor castaways from saints from the bible! I’m not giving up though even if it takes all night!

I’ve spent all day looking for this bullshit idol and i’m about to go crazy tbh. I’ve tried everything like twice but it ain’t working. I might just have to give up and hope to get a second clue in the future. I def don’t want to share the clue I do have, because I don’t trust anyone on my tribe. I’ll keep thinking of possibilities but im felling pretty hopeless at this point.  

I think i’m about done with looking for this immunity right now. I really thought I was on to something with these damn birds, but i guess not.

well i’m fucked. Jacob just came back from the dead? not cool. He was my easy vote for tribal and now he’s not inactive anymore… not cool. That would at least be manageable if it wasn’t for the fact that one of the first things he says in the chat is that he knows everybody. like WHAT THE FUCK. I thought i was making progress but now im back to being on the bottom of my tribe, but in an even worse spot since everyone already knows this zombie! ya’ll need to slide me an extra clue to that idol or something because your bitch is fucked!

JACOB

Hey everyone! Sorry I got a late start, timing was horrible for me this weekend, but I’m here and ready to give it my all! Let’s DO THIS THING!!!

ZACK I mean people are being cool right now. Polite, cordial, and the like. I’m not sure how long that will last though. My main issue will be keeping my jokes to myself since most people don’t get my dry humor.

I pulled my weight to the best of my ability in this challenge. For this vote, I’m thinking it’s best to go after a weak link in the tribe.

Brian has so far been the least sociable in the tribe and I’ve been trying to convince Roxy, Shea, and Ali to vote him out with me. Out of everyone so far, I’m thinking about getting Ali and Shea together for a solid three with Roxy as an add on.

LILY

whew!!! this sure is a tribe, it has some people on it, and idk if ill get far in this game but honestly im just here to have a good time

NEHEMIAH

First impressions of my tribe is that we actually may be strong. I know Ninjohn who is going by Kelsey in this game and Idk about our relationship. We met from Tengaged but I never played an org with him so trust with him idk if that stands. I just got voted out of an org that Cole and Bodhi was in and i connected with them before my vote out so I’m most definitely gonna try and pick back up those relationships and better myself in the future. I have to get to know trixie a little bit better and Regan i’ve played with before and i actually like Regan so all in all it’s a good tribe.

JAY

Anyways, I love my tribe because I’m safe if we lose. I hope Zack doesnt get voted out because he’ll vote with me come swap or merge :)

ALI

Nervous AF

ANDREW

This tribe is dead and I’m with Nicholas and Jay I guess and also Austin Trevino is here *eye roll* I killed him in a main so now I have to offer him as a pagan sacrifice AGAIN y'all are really trying me 🔫🦆

BODHI

Trixie Cole and I have a 3 way showmance

BRIAN

So roxy came to me and wants to vote out Owen so I went to Owen Ali and Shea looking to vote out roxy literally just to see if I can do it or if it will blow up in my face WILDCARD BITCHES

SHEA

Hello, It’s me, the flop from Devil’s Lair. I’m back to take my revenge on everything and everyone. So far, this tribe is super nice. I know Roxy, Lily and Ali. I didn’t know Zack or Brian but everyone seems super cool and chill. So far in the challenge, Me and Roxy have contributed a lot. I think we might not lose this one if Brian and Ali do what they said they were going to. If they don’t, we’re probably in trouble.

ROXY

Jake ali and shea all told me theyd vote w.e I wanted

AUSTIN

Ok so I have like no signal for 9 days lmao. Only spoke to Jay bc mobile and I’m close friends with him outside of this game. I love Dana. Haven’t seen the cast bc signal. Quinn or whatever their name is has reached out, so I guess I’ll engage, but I’m just focusing on my tribe comping their way to merge for 9 days bc I’ve legit had like 30 mins of signal in the past two days. Fuck T-Mobile

NICHOLAS

hello so i am feeling good i like my tribe and i think i will do well! i will submit a longer cf when more stuff happens i promise adios!