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y-rhywbeth2 · 2 months ago

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Elves: Social Life

Society, family, friends, dating and marriage, blah

Link: Disclaimer regarding D&D "canon" & Index [tldr: D&D lore is a giant conflicting mess. Larian's lore is also a conflicting mess. There's a lot of lore; I don't know everything. You learn to take what you want and leave the rest. etc]

Physiology and quirks | Names & Clans and Houses || Pan-Cultural things: Social life | Time and Age Categories | Homes | Language | Art | Entertainment | Technology || Elven 'Subraces' still a wip || Philosophy and Religion & Pantheons || Half-elves | [WIP]

I hit the point where I'm tired of editing and checking sources, so here's some idea on how relationships work for elves whatever level of coherency it has. There might be more or contradictory information in other novels, but I do not have that much free time.

Mostly surface elves, mostly elves in elven lands. Though it also applies to elven diaspora communities (who do stick together and maintain their culture).

• Elven social life in general, plus greetings and etc

• Gender roles in society (or lack therof)

• Family and terminology

• Dating, sex and marriage That I guess you can use for ideas for your elven pcs or if you're dating the vampire who probably doesn't give a damn about elven social mores, the druid or whoever. idk how much elven social norms matter to Ketheric, but if you want to fuck the villainous old man you could give it a shot.

'Elves who lived even in reasonably close contact were so connected to each other through the Reverie and the Weave that they shared at least some shadow of each other’s emotional experiences.'

'As I would think, so shall ye; As I would feel, so shall ye; As I would do, so shall ye; As I would not harm, nor shall ye; As I would, so shall the clan; As the clan would, so shall I; As we would, so shall ye; The People are as one, and never shall I stray from this, nor shall ye, for to digress is to diminish you and your People.' - The Code of the People

There's a balancing act involved in elven societies where personal freedom is greatly prized but at the same time they're very community-centric cultures.

An elf is an individual part of many things: their House, their settlement, their environment, the People as a whole (which includes the Seldarine). The health and wellbeing of all of these things is the health and wellbeing of you, as your elders will teach you growing up.

Regardless of blood relation elves will usually address an elf of same rank and age as siblings; 'brother,' 'sister,' etc. Another term for a young (surface) elven stranger is 'thaes.' Although insofar as I remember I think it's used to address an elf you don't know and just met with that term until you learn their name or title. There's a whole host of titles and honorifics for nobles, elders and important people.

A friend is 'ebrath,' for surface elves and 'abbil' for drow.

There are various nuances and rules governing how to address people, and you can get an idea of their personal opinion on somebody and their politics by whether they use your name and what titles of address they use when addressing another.

Elves prioritise their Clan/House allegiance first and foremost, their homeland second (be that Evereska, or the Wealdath, or Ched Nasad, or wherever), their subrace next, and then the elven people as a whole.

House politics is a whole other post, but suffice to say your House is usually your family, your political party and likely your employer with its own internal culture and laws that you follow, and you'll likely be working in the family business (or one of them). Your personal reputation affects your House reputation, and your House's reputation and the reputation and behaviour of your clanmates also affects your reputation and determines what doors are open or closed to you. If an alehouse is owned by a member of a rival House, or one of their allied Clans/Houses, don't expect service; if a village or hunting grounds is home to a rival House/Clan don't expect a warm welcome there.

The higher your personal rank and the rank of your family, the more the personal-community social symbiosis affects you. What counts as lessening or increasing personal and familial prestige varies by elven culture and what they value.

There's another balancing act in elven culture with really, really deep intimacy and also not intruding on another's personal space. There must be room for quiet and solitude and respecting the individuality of another in between the mind-melding and oversharing.

An elven social circle is often decided by hobbies and careers, where the elves gather together to learn from elves with skills they desire and debate and infodump about whatever hyperfixation they're absolutely obsessed about with those who share it (those who don't share these interests make poor conversation for each other). There will be months, if not years, where individual elves won't be seen or receptive to socialising because they're busy with whatever project they're working on.

Privacy is a concept, but it's not as strong as it is with non-elves. There is no nudity taboo, and a significant amount of elven magic used in daily life, even outside of communion, involves mind reading (usually for security reasons).

Your fuck ups will be remembered. Evereskans at least have no social taboo against plainly discussing the personal business and even the failures of others amongst themselves even if you're standing right there, so you will hear about it and your neighbours will know. It's taboo to be overly frank or cruel to you about it - and most are not intentionally being cruel, just matter of fact - but there will be reactions like pity and scorn all over.

The lack of privacy is actually one of the complaints elves often have about their own culture when it gets too invasive.

Elves are also very good at holding a grudge; forgiveness is not a virtue in a people who relieve their memories over and over every night, including any pain you've given them.

Their in-group thinking also lends itself too neatly to xenophobia. The Tel'Quessir are masters at the sport of us vs them, and choosing 'them' is a betrayal that can garner a response of mass hysteria and violence depending on the nature of the slight (real or perceived), although violence is significantly more likely from elven youth (aged under 100-250ish years old). Aiding an N'Quess against an elf? The height of betrayal.

An elven 'in-group,' usually their immediate community, is often tightly knit even if they don't like each other or spend much time together: the community's young are encouraged to grow up together and be educated together for the first 10-20 years, and shared reverie and the connections of the elven soul joined by the Weave and Sehanine provides a mild empathic link in the background which means that harming another elf in ones 'group' should rebound on the perpetrator to at least some extent. To harm your own is literally to harm yourself.

Elven friends and family usually commune and reverie together, allowing them to know the others' thoughts, memories and personalities almost as well as their own.

Expressing sadism and spite or engaging in violence amongst non-drow (and many dark elves too) is greatly frowned upon, it's considered 'lowminded' and the behaviour of the N'Quess. Even Lolthite drow frown on open violence and conflict within settlements, both for its disruptive effect and because it shows a lack of sense and skill (tavern brawls, military training and slum raids notwithstanding).

All that is far from saying that elves are incapable of resenting or harming other elves, as their long history of bloody disaster shows.

Relieving their memories in reverie means that elven relationships - the good and the bad - are long lasting. An elf remembers their grudges against you because every now and again they get a refresher where they literally reexperience the times you pissed them off. An elf stays in love with you because those early days and emotions stay fresh in their minds.

Exile is a great punishment, and elves encountering others marked such (whether they were exiled for something they did or self-exiled) respond with 'suspicion and hostility.' Exiled criminals and the most severely outcast often take up worship of Fenmarel Mestarine, patron god of said outcasts, and frequently pack up to live in the wilds alone. You can often spot why they're exiled because they often wear a personal token somewhere on their person symbolising it.

Elves usually expect their friendships and romances to be very emotionally intimate affairs where it's normal to know somebody's deepest fears and desires at a degree of knowledge that, say, humans would not volunteer. Friendships go deep. Aside from the racism that's one of the biggest contributors to their aloofness around non-elves. The time it takes to get to know some of them notwithstanding (humans in particular will be senile or dead before your newborn child is legally old enough to vote and elves like to take their time), the concept of losing such close loved ones in only a century or two (or worse, less than one) is devastating and they will relieve a life and loss for hundreds of years after their friends are gone. There's an argument amongst elves about whether a brief lifespan makes it all the more important to make use of that time and that at least they'll have the memories, or whether loving the 'shortlives' is a form of self-harm.

(While the traditional word for non-elves is N'Tel'Quessir, or N'Quess, in human lands the slang word aethen or 'the others' has caught on.)

Worse, N'Quess cannot commune, and so the spiritual connection and intimacy between elves does not exist. For elves, particularly elves not used to non-elves, this can be alienating.

Rule of thumb: Half-elves, gnomes and halflings are the most socially acceptable friends in that order. Elves and gnomes being the most culturally compatible N'Quess, with a respect for community, art and nature, as well as loving a good time. Humans and dwarves are in competition for the elven culture's least compatible, with dwarves generally winning since their cultures often have polar opposite values. Orcs and half-orcs - and other goblinoids -can expect to be viewed as vermin rather than people, though a half-orc might get an extremely racist and condescending congratulations on 'defying their base nature' or some shit. (Whatever elves on the whole think of the dragonborn has never really been discussed, and it's safe to say they don't like tieflings.)

There is a status, Sha'Quessir, the Elf-Friends, granted to non-elves who are loved by an elf (platonically or romantically) and perform some great service for the people which is rewarded with adoption. The individual is, for all social purposes, one of the People and must be treated with the same respect, with the price tag being that they must act as one of the people and share in their concerns and causes (like the grave-robbing of elven burial sites and tombs, the out of control deforestation and loss of elven homelands, etc). They're even allowed to live on Evermeet, and can be recognised by a token on their person called an elfrune.

In terms of politics it's usually a clash between the conservatives who want elvendom exactly as it is and 'always has been' with a clear distinction between the 'right people' and the others and what counts for a 'proper elf,' and the moderates and liberals who chafe under a millennia of tradition and/or think the Tel'Quessir need to join the rest of the world in the modern year before the oncoming future crushes them all.

Manners:

Inclining/'bobbing' your head in acknowledgement, or making a brief bow is the equivalent of a handshake.

Elves do not have a tradition of shaking hands, finding it a 'horrific affront' to attempt to grab their hand. Probably something to do with communion usually being initiated by holding hands and the fact that the fingers and palms of the hands are extremely sensitive, so touching hands is probably significantly more intimate to an elf.

Just in general elves do not seem to appreciate being physically touched by people they don't know or trust, and laying your hands on an elf who isn't your friend or family might piss them off.

Elves also have a strong aristocratic bent, which plays a part in their sense of hierarchy (usually more 'gently' established than with non-elves, but present nevertheless).

An elf of lower standing cannot make eye contact with one of higher standing without permission. When a noble passes you part for them and may not overtake them; if traveling by flight, you may never fly higher than a noble.

Walk with the crowd and the flow of traffic, never against it.

A polite farewell is: 'Sweet water and light laughter ['til next we meet].' The response to which is: 'Back soon for soft songs and bright wine.'

When introducing somebody to another person/s you end the introductions with: 'May your meeting and parting be of equal pleasure.' To which the person you're introducing should say: 'My honour is brightened.'

A full formal greeting when approaching strange elves on the road (outside the bounds of civilisation) is translated as: 'Fair be our meeting, for our hearts are light and our swords sheathed, we hold peace in our hands and its light guides us.' Which is to be sung.

Welcome home is simply 'Glad homeagain.'

Pressing foreheads together seems to be a display of affection.

All elven cultures have a custom of exchanging gifts, where the character of the gifter is measured by the value of the gift (such things being judged primarily by their aesthetic beauty and any magic it contains, with its material value benign judged second). It's polite to offer a gift of equal value in return. For the original gifter to refuse the return token in exchange is viewed as odd.

Amongst the dark elves of Ilythiir an exchange of weapons was a display of trust, and sometimes a pledge of service/assistance should they ever be called on,' which may well still exist amongst modern dark elves. Although Menzoberranzan has a variant where you take another's weapon, display your skill with it and hand it back to illustrate 'I mean you no harm' as a peaceful greeting with strangers.

There's a tradition called the Rule of Saving: When one saves another's life, the saviour can invoke a debt which means that the individual owes them their life to do with as they please.

Gender roles:

Rule of thumb, due to their entire pantheon being genderfluid elves tend towards egalitarianism in their societies. If your gods encompass both male and female genders then it's hard to say one is lesser or greater, and some consider androgyny in mortal elves to be a sign of divine favour.

On the other hand that doesn't mean elven societies are totally free of nonsense (and horror).

Many societies also have a slight inclination towards matriarchy (dark elves infamously having more than a 'slight' inclination in the majority of cases); a woman's word often carries more weight in discussions if she chooses to weigh in. Evermeet in particular saw a shift towards matriarchy as Queen Amlaruil grew to become a beloved monarch and ended up with an inner council of advisors comprised of the female elders of the noble houses.

Dark elves are of course infamous for their matriarchies: Lolthites, Kiaransaleen and Eilistraeeans all favour - if not mandate - female leadership. Men are artisans and helpers, women are leaders.

On the flip side there are the patriarchal elven societies.

Aquatic elves have a patriarchal nobility.

At least one city of Vhaeraunites has ignored the part of their god's doctrine that says 'equality' and instituted the patriarchal mirror of Lolthite society.

And then there was the sun elven empire of Cormanthor (which was sun elven by origin and overarching culture, but had significant moon elven population), which was a nightmare where women would bitterly comment that they were good only for arm candy and providing heirs and that many elven men would say they didn't believe women had brains; women couldn't socialise with elves outside of their House without their patriarch's permission, and one woman had a nervous breakdown at the idea of confronting her husband on the grounds that he could very well beat her to death for talking back in public and throw her corpse out the window and then just get a new wife (he does later, hungover, threaten her with a horsewhip for challenging him).

So you know, fun times.

Mostly you're getting full gender equality.

Family:

One's family, strictly speaking, is one's Clan (or House, if the family holds noble status (doesn't make every member a noble though)). Aside from your parents, siblings, first cousins, grandparents, uncles, aunts and such you have a network of in-laws, cousins and employees sharing your surname and playing a part in the family business/es. The largest Houses will have people scattered around the world that you've probably never met.

Ancestry is also a very important part of elven identity, and an elf will know the famous and infamous stuff their family got up to. If the fame came from heroism and great deeds then the family will obsess over it, if it's negative press then elves will carry the stigma or do their best to make sure the knowledge never sees the light of day (you do not want word getting around that you're descended from the Vyshaan or Dlardrageth, for example.)

That's your ancestry and Clan or House, but the immediate blood relations, and likely the people who raise you, are your Blesséd.

Due to their lifespans and low fertility rates, siblings rarely grow up together since it's likely that older siblings will be adults by the time they get any. Educating and watching over the family's children is often a task for the elderly, who can no longer work, so that they can still make use of their centuries of experience and contribute to the community.

Family lineage tracks matrilineal and patrilineal. Except for most drow, who only track matrilineal.

For the drow I only know of the words for mother and father ('Ilhar' and 'Ilharn')

For surface elves (for most of which there are no gender neutral variants given):

Parent: O Child: Sum Cousin: Tyss Cousins: Tyssir

Brother: Tan Sister: Nys Daughter: A'Sum Son: E'Sum Granddaughter by daughter: A'a'sum Grandson by daughter: E'a'sum Granddaughter by son: A'e'sum Grandson by son: E'e'sum Niece by sister (sister-daughter): A'Su'Nys Niece by brother ('brother-daughter): A'Su'Tan Nephew by sister (sister-son): E'Su'Nys Nephew by brother (brother-son): E'Su'Tan

Matrilineal line: Mother: O'Si Grandmother: I'Osi Grandfather: I'Osu Uncle: Osi'Tan Aunt: Osi'Nys

Patrilineal line: Father: O'Su Grandmother: U'Osi Grandfather: U'Osu Uncle: Osu'Tan Aunt: Osu'Nys

Dating and marriage

'The love of an elf is a deep and precious thing. Misused or spurned, it can be deadly. Realms have fallen and been sundered for love, and proud elder houses swept away. Some have said that an elf is the force of his or her love, and all else just flesh and dross...' - Shalheira Talandren (who is a bard so is perhaps being a touch melodramatic as her trade demands)

Like many non-human people, elves referring to their sexual and romantic partners translate the terms in common as 'mates' and the act of sex as 'mating.' (Dwarves, orcs, dragons and vampires also refer to their SOs as mates... although that vampire was an elf, so maybe it's just certain vampires. I don't know about gnomes and halflings but it's the preferred terminology for many demihumans and nonhumans).

You can also call your partner damia, an endearment equivalent to 'darling' or 'sweetheart' or whatever.

This is one of those things where it depends on the writer, but apparently some degree of demisexuality is very common for elves, where it can be a cultural norm to be baffled as to why you'd lust after somebody when you have no affection for them.

'Her men, however, were staring at Takari with such a look of feral hunger [...] Under the circumstances, they could hardly have developed any feelings of love for her, so it was hard for an elf to understand why the mere sight of her naked body should inflame their passions.' - The Summoner.

Somebody wearing revealing clothing or dressed naked would not be seen as advertising a desire for sex, that's just how they're dressed.

They also apparently have lower sex drives, which I suppose could make sense for a longer-lived species.

Courting will involve trying to impress upon the object of your affection the sincerity and depth of your feelings with songs - or poetry if you've failed as an elf and really can't sing - and dancing.

If things are moving towards the erotic then the dancing starts to take on that tone.

There is a form of acrobatic dance amongst elves that involves the dancers wearing nothing but body oil and bells, tied to their bare limbs and beaded into their long hair (which is worn loose), and this dance will often be performed with the aid of a fly spell or some equivalent.

Such dances are actually used in public performances, so while they might be sexual (or not) they aren't necessarily seen as inappropriate (though they can get grumbles from sun elven elders about how back in their day they didn't have this kind of impropriety).

Just in general it seems like elves like bringing magic into the bedroom, but aerial sex seems a popular choice from what I've seen on elf sex.

And ears and apparently hands are erogenous zones.

'On the subject of giving pleasure to elven maids, [the diary] mentioned using one's tongue gently on the palms of the hands and the tips of the ears.' - Elminster in Myth Drannor (despite the 'maidens' part it applies to elves in general)

For lovers who decide to engage in Rapport/aleiryid and bind their minds and souls in a permanent empathic link, the terms 'spirit-deep mate' and 'life-mate' have been used. 'Aleiryid' itself may be a noun for such a partner, and can only be used to refer to a life-mate.

Elves, regardless of how committed they are - eternally psychically linked or no - still generally expect to be given their personal space just as with any other relationship between elves.

In terms of monogamy vs polygamy, sun and maybe moon elves may be more inclined to monogamy and green and wood elves towards polygamy.

Green elves, and by extension most wood elves, default to polyamory. Jealousy is perverse and will disapprove of displays of such possessiveness and flirting and love are just parts of the joys of life. Which isn't to say they don't feel it, but the green elven approach to a love rival is basically, to quote one character, '[they'll] have to share!' The sylvan elves of the High Forest usually dance in trios rather than pairs.

Moon elves probably vary on that cultural norm; there's been an occasion where a moon elf pov character can be read as uncomfortable with polyamory, but on the other hand the silver elves are also infamous for their love of freedom and hedonism, and said character notes his own moon elven father would not begrudge his green elven ex-wife her flirting. Also in moon elven pantheon Corellon has a Queen who is simultaneously three people, so there's a religious argument to be made for 'the gods approve of polyamory' I suppose. As oathbreaking is considered one of the greatest sins possible in moon elven cultures one imagines that infidelity (and definitely breaking your marriage vows) is also very high on the taboo list, regardless of what the relationship set up is - Fun is important, but if something matters enough to make a commitment for it you keep your fucking commitment.

The dark elves of Menzoberranzan have usually been portrayed as serial monogamists, with a side of 'women can fuck as many men on the side as they like.' Dark elves in general don't expect a pairing to last forever.

Sun elves, I'm not so sure. They have a very strong emphasis on lineage and house politics and frown on 'philandering' though so legitimate marriages, family duty and knowing who the parents are is important regardless of monogamy vs polygamy.

Marriage ceremonies are most popular during Midsummer celebrations.

Elopements are most popular on nights of the full moon, when Hanali is supposed to bless your union with good fortune.

In common elves stick to the translations of 'spouse,' 'wife,' 'husband.' 'Consort' crops up, probably refers to nobles spouses.

Between moon elves at least, marriage can be a very simple procedure: you weave a flower crown and place it on your lover's head. That's it, you're married now. You don't need any witnesses or officiants; the prince of Evermeet married his human girlfriend by placing a flower crown made of laurels on her head in the middle of the woods during a private moment. None of the nobility nor his mother approved of him having a human girlfriend nor would they have permitted it, but doesn't matter: flower crown. Generally though there is more ceremony surrounding weddings

There has also been mention of handfasting too, which may be a similar deal, just with trying ribbons around your enjoined hands rather than putting flower crowns on your head.

If you want to bring a high mage into it - which is unusual in the modern era, when they're almost extinct - marriages have also involved the arcane.

Marriages, formal and informal, are performed by priests of Hanali Celanil who are bound by their faith to help you regardless of what society thinks - all lovers must be protected. I suspect most marriages take place under the moonlight, since elves seem to be lunar-centric, but that's just an assumption.

Entering into u'aestar'kess was a popular marriage tradition in love matches, a magical linking much like Rapport/Aleirin, but the enjoined beings can - through concentrating - engage in true 'verbal' telepathic communication. If one of the bonded is in danger then their connection will also alert the partner, who will generally stop at nothing to get to them. Also unlike aleirin u'aestar'kess permits two bonds to exist rather than just one.

Creating an Aestar'Khol was also a popular way of getting married - the ritual wove an oath, in this case marriage vows, into tangible existence in the form of a stone the size of a fist and likely in the shape of a statuette, though a quicker casting will produce a rock covered in inscriptions of the vow. It also allows the spouses to know that their partners are faithful, because breaching contract causes the vowstone to shatter.

Some elves, namely nobles, do arrange marriages, it's a useful way of calling dibs on particularly promising mages, warriors, priests, artisans and etc by having them marry into your House. There's also historical precedent for crackdowns on arranged marriages because squabbling and intrigue over powerful wizards was getting idiotic. If your family picks out a spouse for you you don't have to marry them, but you may face social and financial repercussions from your refusal. Not always though; some nobles, even sun elves, have turned their nose up at tradition and married non-elves and had half-elven heirs without losing too much prestige.

A holy order in the service of Hanali, the Chaperones of the Moonlight Tryst, are rogues and rangers who are tasked with discretely safeguarding elven lovers from those who would interfere with them or use their relationship for some end (blackmail or some other intrigue, for example). They can also be called upon to help arrange secret meetings between star-crossed lovers and aid elopements.

#Is it coherent I am past caring #I am trapped in the adhd spiral of 'must complete the thing' vs 'tired of the fucking thing'#lore stuff #pointy eared stuff #long post

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