#it’s almost been 6 years since that happened

[chiseplushie]

Omg, so much has happened to Reader today and the day is barely half over. I don't think she's even had lunch yet. I'd probably be hangry by the time Bucky shows up at her apartment.

Let's list all the things that's happened in the past 6 hours or so (in reader's POV) :

Bad news received in the morning.

Needing to process the events of the last chapter.

Girl's only date possibly being rescheduled.

Boss at work is missing didn't come in.

Work schedule was rearranged without notice.

Another creepy stalker who doesn't respect her boundaries.

Ugh. Crazy.

I know that Bucky wants to be able to answer reader's questions about the bad news they got this morning, but I hope he acknowledges the fact that reader feels left out. After the... How long has it been? Almost 1 week? since meeting Bucky and feeling trapped, lack of automany, her general discomfort... It's all going to add up, especially as Bucky decides to hide things.

Maybe it's just me needing to know everything even if I don't have all the details. "I'll tell you everything later." would bug me the entire day, especially with Bucky's reaction.

A simple "your boss has been kidnapped but I'm going to find out what happened," or "someone came to the club last night trying to be subtle about stalking you (they're not a pro at it like me 🙄) and I need to view the tapes before I overreact, I'll let you know later when I pick you up bc I'll have more info by then", would be nice. I'm more agreeable when I know what's going on so the suggestion of taking a cab home after work instead of walking home wouldn't automatically raise my defenses/contradicative nature.

Ugh I hate it when people do the Nice Guy thing when being pushy. I think reader was letting Clark down easy (but firmly) because she's used to their history of positive interactions, now she's been blindsided by Clark's pushiness that she's willing to write off the interaction as a coincidence. I'm glad Bucky immediately called her out on it. Bucky being the voice of reason. Wild.

Reader is right to want relationship to be more comfortable and less forced. They can't change how it began but they can change their interactions going forward. I think that once she's moved in to the penthouse, he would be willing to slow down a little bit (but not that slow 👀) and really woo/court her.

Also I gotta mention that while Bucky knows better than to think, "hey this girl has been nice to me while doing her job, wow she must want to get into my pants."

Bucky isn't much better with, "wow she saved my mom and is selfless and kind, we should have been dating for 4 years already, since we didn't get that I'll just break into her home, introduce myself and act like we do have all that history, she'll fall into my lap no problem."

Bucky is so sweet and wanting movie nights and such. He just wants the domestic life with his future wife.

Hold You Tight: Part 16

Pairing: Club Owner!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Fic Summary: The owner of The 107th wants you to be his girl whether you like it or not.

Part 15 | Series Masterlist | Part 17

Chapter Word Count: Over 5.4k

Chapter Summary: Bucky tries to pull you closer when you want to pull away, and someone else in your life my not take no for an answer.

Chapter Warnings: DARK AU, arguing, tension, slight harassment, kissing, reference to stalking, inner turmoil, manipulation, Bucky Barnes (he's a warning, okay?), more warnings to come.

A/N: More Hold You Tight! Thank you for sticking with me! Bucky edit by the beautiful @nixakimbo ❤️ Beta read by the lovely @whisperlullaby but any and all mistakes are my own. Divider by the talented @firefly-graphics. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

Bucky traded lazy kisses with you as your tears slowed, and you had no idea if it was his mouth that had your heart pounding and the crushing weight of everything that surrounded him. It was so much to unpack. Every encounter with him seemed to be that way. Something blindsided you or suffocated you, but you hadn't been at all prepared for what he just shared. And how could you? He didn't keep photos of his mother around, and you hadn't gone poking around online.

Would you have found out the truth if you had?

He followed your lips when you pulled away. “It’s okay,” he whispered, pulling you back in.

It wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. Though it partially made sense now why he was moving so fast. He believed if he met you then that you would've fallen in love and been together to this day. Because he didn't seek you out then and lost so much time, he was packing everything into a rushed time span. Dating, meeting his friends, getting you into his place. He was moving things along at an accelerated speed, and you were barely keeping up with the ride.

“No.” The muffled word against his lips somehow rang out loud and clear enough for him to stop, but you put a hand on his chest in case he tried to lean in again. “Why are you punishing me?”

His eyes rounded. “You think I’m punishing you? Jesus, why would you think that?”

“Because of how you went about all of this. I know you were desperate, and I get the drive behind some of your actions now,” you said, which you refused to excuse. You got it but couldn’t excuse it. “Your response of ‘where’s the fun in that?’ when I said you couldn’t just ask me out like a normal person? You almost seemed to delight in intimidating me. Why?”

If you saved his mom, why do this?

“I didn’t delight in that. I played it wrong,” he admitted in a quiet voice, surprising you. “I approached it like…”

“Like everything else in your life where you have everyone under your thumb through fear. You did the same thing to me.” You laughed just a little. “In a way, it worked because I’m officially afraid to try to leave you.”

Had things blossomed between you two organically, you’d like to believe that things would’ve been better. Healthy. There was always the chance that a relationship might’ve come to an end because life was like that. But if he frightened you enough to stay forever, he’d never have to worry. The stars would still align as far as he was concerned.

“I don’t want you to fear me or what we have,” he whispered, reaching for you as you scooted back.

“What we have? Tell me, do you think your mom would be proud of your actions to obtain me or ashamed?” You couldn’t believe that was the kind of man she raised, to put fear into the heart of the person he supposedly loved.

He flinched. Actually flinched. You might as well have raised a hand to him. “She…” He swallowed. “She would’ve wanted us together.”

“Like this? By you not giving me a choice?” you asked, pushing yourself up. “I need to go home.” There would be no getting through to him and this revelation was doing your head in. One cup of coffee wasn't enough either.

He got up to follow you. “Why are you rushing off?”

“I have a shift today, and I have to go home and shower,” you said, grabbing some of your things. “Don’t worry about dropping me off. I’ll get a cab.”

“What? No, you-”

“You put money in my account, so it’s not like I have to worry about paying for it. And it’s not like I’ll be alone either since you’ll have me followed whether I want it or not,” you said as a matter of fact.

“You’re putting a wall up,” he said, frowning as you grabbed your phone charger before he could. “Don’t shut me out, please.”

“I’m not shutting you out. I’m trying to process the gigantic bombshell you dropped on me,” you said, stopping to look at him when he grabbed your arm. “Bucky-”

“This has been a lot, all of it, but we can’t go back and change it, and you know I can’t let you go because we’re meant to be together,” he said, his eyes searching yours. “You feel it. I know you do.”

How many times would he say that until you agreed? “Just because you think fate stepped in-”

“Fate brought you into my club, but I gave it a much-needed push to bring us together after leaving things to chance for so long,” he said, tugging you closer and putting his other hand on your cheek. “You can’t tell me you don’t care about me in some capacity. You’re just afraid to admit it because it isn’t conventional in your eyes, but you don’t have to be afraid of how you feel.”

How could you truly fall in love with him when he orchestrated everything from the start? “Feelings or not you’re still going to force me to move in with you soon, and that scares me,” you said. Your wings would forever be clipped.

“We should’ve been living together and married by now,” he argued, keeping a tight hold on you. “I know I’m making you move in sooner than you want, but beyond safety it’ll give us a chance to really know each other before we get married.”

Talk of marriage had your heart thudding. The man would probably force you to marry him sooner than you wanted. “You said you already know everything about me,” you said. At least he thought he knew you. The vision of you he built up in his mind scared you, too. He couldn’t keep you on that pedestal.

“But you don’t fully know me yet, and I don’t know what it’s like to live with you. The experience will bring us closer together.” His smile was full of hope. “We can read together, do movie nights, dance in the kitchen.”

“Bucky-”

“We can exercise together, in and out of bed,” he continued, your breath hitching as he rubbed his nose against yours. “Don’t you already feel closer to me now that you know we're meant to be?”

A quick knock on the door followed by a long one saved you from answering. “It isn't check-out time, is it?”

“No. That would be Ray,” Bucky headed to the door and kept you back a small distance before he answered. The man really was protective, wasn't he?

“I’m sorry to intrude,” Ray said, giving you a polite nod before he leaned in and whispered something to Bucky. Whatever was said to him made his face harden. The entire change in his demeanor worried you.

“Kotyonok, let’s get your bag and get you back to your place so you can get ready for work,” he suggested, his smile tight.

“What’s the matter?” you asked.

“I’ll tell you later,” he answered, kissing your forehead. “And before we go, I know you suggested taking a cab, but please let Ray take you back to your place. It would make me feel better.”

The hint of a plea in his voice and the look in Ray’s eyes kept you from protesting. “Fine, Ray can take me home. Just give me a second to change out of these pajamas,” you said, a bit surprised that Bucky wasn’t offering to take you home himself. “But you are going to tell me later what’s going on, right?” you asked.

“I will, but I need some answers myself first. Get changed. I’ll get your bag,” he said, gently guiding you to the bathroom so you could change and officially ending that conversation.

Ray was still by the entry door once you came out, looking a bit stiffer than usual, too. You stole a glance at Bucky as the three of you headed to the elevator, catching the anger etched in his features as he gripped your bag handle tight enough that you thought it would rip. They were leaving you in the dark about something. You weren’t sure if you could take any other bombshells.

“Ray may need to pick you up from work instead of me, but I’ll message you if that’s the case,” Bucky said, fixing his hair in the elevator reflection. “And… we may need to talk about your girls’ day out.”

“What about it?” you asked, already knowing where he was going with this.

“If you can cancel or reschedule it,” he replied.

You stared hard at him. Where was that coming from? “No, it's tomorrow, and I’m not cancelling or rescheduling. And don’t you dare use Zemo as an excuse to get your way,” you snapped. Even if it was a valid reason, you didn’t want to hear it.

His jaw clenched, but he looked sad as he glanced at you. “I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“We talked about this. If it’s a safety issue, Ray agreed that someone could watch out for me. That should keep me safe,” you reminded him. You’d be fine. “Right, Ray?”

The blonde stared straight ahead. “That isn’t my decision,” he said apologetically.

Your shoulders slumped. For a short time, you thought he could be on your side or at least help give you some slack. “Right. Because you don't get to make decisions, and neither do I. You’re a bodyguard, I’m just a doll,” you said, looking straight ahead, too, and pulling your hand back when Bucky tried to take it. “Please, don’t.”

“Kotyonok…” Bucky sighed as the door opened. You marched out, not waiting for either of them. “Wait.”

You headed straight for the desk, feeling sadder when you didn’t see Natasha. “Checking out, please,” you said, sliding the room card over to the woman standing there.

“Of course. I hope you enjoyed your stay.” She looked behind you likely at Bucky before giving you a smile. “Ms. Romanoff also wanted to remind you that you have a place here if you need one.”

“I’m sure I’ll take her up on that soon,” you said, turning your head to glare at Bucky. While his expression was stoic, his eyes told you he didn’t want you to be upset with him. “And make sure she adds an inconvenience fee to the damaged wall bill. She’ll know what I mean.”

“I’ll be sure to do that,” she smiled. “Take care.”

Bucky was hot on your heel and you didn't make it two steps out the door before he had a hand on you. “You’re upset with me. Putting up more of that wall.”

You didn't speak until Ray walked past you to get his car. “You’re trying to get me to cancel my day out with my friends, after you went through the whole charade of buying me a new dress for it and everything. And after what you told me about your mom.” You took a breath to try to calm down. “Yeah, I’m upset, and yeah, you’re supplying me with the very bricks to build that wall.”

“I said we may need to talk about it, I didn’t flat out say you weren’t going,” he corrected you. He might as well have. “I know it means a lot to you, but-”

You held a hand up. “No. There are no ‘buts’ in this. For all you keep taking from me, I don’t ask for much. I really don't,” you stated. In fact, you’ve shown lots of restraint. “Who knows how many moments I’ll get like this with my friends once you move me in.” He wasn’t about to take this small thing from you after everything.

He titled his head. “You think I’ll keep you from them?”

“Part of me thinks you will, yes. Because as soon as I think that there’s hope, the second I think that we could be closer together while you loosen the reins, you say or do something that puts me back in your full control,” you said. He had to see that. “And every time you do that, like you are right now, it makes me want to push you away.”

“And you can push all you want, but I’ll just pull you closer,” he smiled, making you huff when he actually did so. “I’m not afraid to let you burn me.”

“You keep saying that. Give me a match or a lighter and we’ll test that theory,” you said. He burst out laughing, the sound loud in the morning air as your eyes widened. “Why are you laughing?” you asked incredulously. How could he laugh when you were still worked up?

“Because even arguing with you makes me happy,” he sincerely stated. “And now all I want to do is find a way to put a smile back on your face.”

You exhaled. He was so in love with the idea of a relationship with you that arguments appealed to him? Anyone else would've walked away by now.

“You’re infuriating,” you whispered when he touched the corner of your mouth and made it twitch in a small smile. “Impossible.”

“I know,” he whispered back, running a hand through his hair. “Listen, you’re tired and you’re overwhelmed, which is completely my fault. Am I right?”

“Yes,” you sighed. He hit it right on the nose.

“And maybe I was rash in suggesting that you cancel your plans, but I need to take care of a couple things before we discuss that more,” he said, leading you to Ray's car before you could protest. “You just have a good shift, okay?”

He was placating you now, and it was sadly working. “Fine,” you said, touching his hand, the metal one. “I don’t think I said so earlier, but thank you for finally telling me the truth,” you said, calmer than you were moments before. He should've told you from the start, but it couldn't have been easy reopening old wounds regarding his dad.

His gaze softened. “Thank you for letting me.”

“And whatever Ray told you or whatever’s going on, just breathe, okay?” you begged.

He took a deep breath. “I’ll just think of you and it’ll help,” he said, adding in a low voice as he pulled you against him. “And this.”

This was nothing like the slow, languid kisses from minutes ago. This was dominant, claiming, threatening to rob you of the air in your lungs, like he wanted you to feed your own breath into him. He either forgot Ray was there, or he simply didn’t care.

By the time Bucky stopped kissing you and helped you into the car, you didn’t want to look either of them in the eye.

“I love you,” he whispered, kissing your temple and shutting the door as your heart flip flopped. God, he was insufferable. Confusing. Obsessed.

“You're certainly keeping him on his toes,” Ray said, not driving off until he made sure Bucky was in his vehicle, too.

“Someone has to,” you said, staring out the window. “I’m going with my friends tomorrow. I don't care if he makes you drag me back,” you said. Unless your life was in some sort of immediate danger, there was no reason for you to skip out on meeting up with the girls.

“So you’re aware, the suggestion of you moving your day out has nothing to do with wanting to control you. He’s upset because of the news I delivered and he wants to keep you close,” Ray explained, making you feel a little bad.

“So, that news was the reason why you both changed your tune, and you can't tell me what that news is,” you guessed. If you were in some sort of danger though, surely Bucky would’ve said so. “He told me about his mom. How I saved her.”

Silence filled the vehicle. “So, you know the truth,” he said after a minute, his voice neutral. “Are you okay?”

“I’m trying to be,” you answered carefully. You really were.

“That’s all you can do,” he said before adding under his breath, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

You snorted. “I guess I'm living breathing proof of that.” It was ironic how an act of kindness put you on this path. “And as much as I don't like to wish pain upon people, I hope Bucky's dad got whatever he deserved.”

Winnie, from the short time you knew her, was nothing but wonderful. Bucky said the dahlia painting in his office served as a reminder that he would never do to you what his dad did to his mom. He would never set you up to take the fall for anyone else, wouldn’t let someone else hurt you if he could help it. He would forever stand by you.

Was pushing him away doing you any good?

“He did,” Ray promised you. “And I say with complete sincerity that I hope today is very uneventful for you after the time you've had.”

Your nose scrunched as you laughed. “So do I, Ray. So do I.”

Ray was kind enough to wait outside of your place as you showered and got ready for work, and didn't push you to talk more before he dropped you off at the shop. He was even kind enough to stop so you could get another cup of coffee. It helped improve your mood.

“There she is!” Kate smiled when you walked in. “Little miss not-so-single anymore.”

“Hey,” you giggled before you paused. “I didn't know you were working today. Did you switch shifts with someone?”

“God, the schedule’s all messed up. Mrs. Crandle called out for some business thing-”

“Business thing?” you asked, your brows pinched. She hardly ever took time off for things like vacation let alone a business thing without informing her staff.

“Yeah, I’m not really sure about all the details, but Lorraine ended up switching the whole schedule around. Mya’s coming in later, and I had to come in early, and your shift’s ending early.”

“What?” you frowned, checking the schedule to make sure. She was right. Your shift today was almost cut in half. “Would’ve been nice to get a text or something.”

The assistant manager wasn't bad to work with, but she could be a little forgetful with things like that. If Bucky hadn't just put money in your account, you may have been more upset over having half a shift cut. After the night and morning you had though, maybe an afternoon off wouldn't be so bad.

“She probably forgot since you were coming in at your normal time. Who knows?” Kate shrugged. “You know, I half expected Clark to be here waiting for you. Seemed really eager to see you yesterday.”

“Yeah, about that.” You looked toward the door, your body tense in anticipation even though he wasn't there. “Why did you tell him I was working today?”

“He’s kind of a regular, and I didn't really think about it. Then Mrs. Crandle brought up your boyfriend and…” Her face fell as she stopped cutting stems, which made you feel bad when she glanced your way. “Crap, I did something wrong, didn't I?”

You weren’t about to go into specifics regarding your personal situation. “I just don’t want customers to know when my shifts are unless I’m specifically working on an order or event for them, okay?” you said, hoping she understood that it was a general request.

Bucky was not getting in your head about your safety.

“Okay, as long as you aren’t mad,” she said. You gave her a smile to assure her that you were okay. “So, tell me about your new boyfriend.”

You filled her in as much as you could to make it sound believable, just like you had with Addison. Like her and Mrs. Crandle, Kate was excited for you. And they would never know the full truth.

As your shift went on, you were surprised you hadn't heard much from Bucky. It was for the best though. He was clearly dealing with something. As much as you didn't want to defend him in your mind, it had taken a lot for him to talk about his parents. To show you some of the damage done to his body. It was a vulnerable moment. Did you owe it to him to be vulnerable, too?

Wait, why did you owe him anything?

“Heading out?” Kate asked once your shift was up.

“Yeah,” you replied, glancing at your phone. You wondered if you should text Bucky before you decided against it. You'd let him know once you got to your place that you wouldn't need a ride. “Just call me if you need me to come back in.”

“Don’t worry about that. Enjoy the rest of your day!” she smiled.

Satisfied when you didn't see Bucky or Ray’s car waiting for you either, you decided to take a walk. It was a nice day, and you needed the fresh air. You hoped the weather was nice for the winery. You’d have to take photos to look back on what was going to be a fun time.

“Hey!” you heard someone shout after a few minutes of walking.

You stopped when you spotted Clark waving at you from the other side of the street. You barely waved back before he joined you. “Hey. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I was just in the neighborhood,” he smiled, pushing his glasses up. “You done working already?”

“Yep,” you said, adjusting your bag. “And I should really-”

“Could we talk for a minute?” he asked.

You hesitated before nodding. “Sure,” you said, falling in step beside him.

“You know, I actually went to the shop to buy you flowers yesterday. I was going to buy you some roses,” he smiled.

Oh, God. “You were?”

“Yeah, but you weren’t there and… It doesn’t matter,” he smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets. “But I was thinking… Maybe we could grab a coffee sometime? My treat.”

The hopeful look in his eyes made a pit form in your stomach. “Clark, I’m seeing someone,” you said, his blue eyes dimming. Hadn’t Kate said that Mrs. Crandle brought up that you were in a relationship? “It’s fairly new, and I don’t want to mess things up,” you explained, though he wasn’t owed an explanation.

“I didn’t want to believe it,” he mumbled, kicking a small rock on the sidewalk. “Well, if it’s fairly new, I'm sure you can get coffee with other people.”

“Get coffee with people? Yes. But this kind of sounds like a date, and I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m sorry,” you said. That would feel like cheating even if you didn't consider it a date, and you weren't that kind of person.

“Then we won’t call it a date,” he grinned.

Maybe you were feeling paranoid, but there was something weird behind his smile. “You just got out of a relationship, and I don’t want to send mixed signals by agreeing to go with you.”

His smile shook a bit. “It's just a coffee.”

“Is it?” The longer he stared, the more odd things felt, and you didn’t like it. “Listen, when you find someone else to give flowers to I’d be happy to pick some out for you.”

“I don't understand.” He laughed, but it sounded bitter. “You’ve always been nice to me.”

“Well, yeah. You’ve always been kind, too, when you come into the shop.”

“Too nice for someone like Bucky Barnes,” he muttered, his smile disappearing completely.

You gaped at him, almost faltering in your step. “What did you just say?”

“I said you’re too nice for someone like Bucky Barnes,” he said louder, his ire clear as day. “You think I don’t know about his reputation? He’s dangerous, and you’re too good for him.”

“How do you know I’m dating him?” you asked. And what did he know about his reputation?

He was quiet for a moment. “Mrs. Crandle said his name, and she has no idea what kind of man he is,” he said, making you feel uneasy. “I don’t think you do either.”

Oh, you knew plenty. “I appreciate your concern, really, but it’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“Well, I do. And I just don’t see why we can’t have one cup of coffee together,” he said, flashing a smile again. “It’ll be fun.”

“Because you know I’m seeing someone,” you said. He knew it before he bumped into you, but was still pushing for you to go with him. “And I also kind of make it a rule not to date customers,” you added, stopping when you got to your building. You walked faster than you thought.

“Well, rules should have exceptions, right? And if Bucky cared so much, where is he? Why wasn’t he waiting to pick you up and take you home?” he pressed, his eyes narrowing when you dug into your purse. “Maybe he doesn’t care about you as much as you think.”

Your next breath came out shaky. He hadn’t raised his voice at you, but you didn’t appreciate the third degree, or the implication that Bucky didn’t care. “Because he’s a busy man who sometimes works both days and nights. I don’t expect him to drop everything just to take me home.”

“If you took a chance on me, you’d never have to worry about things like that.”

You were starting to feel nauseous. “Well, sometimes I like the quiet after the bustle of the shop, so walking helps me decompress. And I can't take a chance on you when I’m seeing someone else.” Why was he being so pushy?

He took a small step closer. “You know, it’s dangerous to walk home alone.”

You took a step back, your keys between your fingers. “You’re right about that,” you agreed. The only reason you did so today was to take back a little control, which didn’t seem so smart now.

“I can start walking you home if you want,” he smiled, towering over you. Was he always so imposing? “When’s your next shift?”

You managed a smile in return, but it was extremely forced. “Clark, that’s really not necessary, but thank you for the offer. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

He gently took your arm when you turned toward the door, worry crawling up your spine when his hand tightened a fraction. You suddenly wish you had Bucky or Ray around. “I really don’t mind.”

“My boyfriend will mind, and I’m sure you can understand that. So it’s a no on the coffee and the walks home,” you said gently but firmly, pulling your arm back and rubbing the spot where Clark grabbed you. He wasn’t listening. It somehow felt worse than Bucky and you couldn’t pinpoint why. Was it because Clark tried to act nice? “It’s been a long few days, and I’m going to get some rest. Have a nice day, okay?”

His eyes narrowed again, but it was his chilling smile that unnerved you. “I’m sure I'll see you again soon. We’ll have to get that coffee,” he said, walking off before you could say another word.

You rushed into the building once he was out of sight, your hands shaking. It may have been from the confrontation or the combination of everything. Maybe Clark was just lonely and latched on a bit because you were nice. Hadn't Bucky done something similar?

But if Clark wanted to see you, why hadn't he just gone into the shop if he knew you were working?

Double checking your locks once you were in your apartment, you took a breath and stared at your phone once you sat down. You had to talk to Bucky. He answered within a few seconds of you calling.

“Kotyonok, is everything okay?” he asked, sounding both happy and concerned to hear from you.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” you asked, hearing a few other men speaking in the background.

“Because you’re calling me and not texting. And you sound a little off. What’s wrong?”

“Everything’s fine,” you lied. How did he recognize that you felt off? “I just wanted you to know that the assistant manager changed my shift, so I went home early.”

“Wait, you’re already home?” he asked. The background noise suddenly stopped. “Did you get a cab? Please tell me you didn’t walk back to your place.”

“…Fine, I won’t tell you that.”

Bucky let out an impressive string of curse words as you pulled the phone away from your ear. “That’s not safe. You know it isn’t,” he hissed, but you knew he wasn’t actually angry with you. Just the situation. And bumping into Clark today and Zemo the day before, he had a bit of a point. “You did that on purpose, didn’t you? Because I said it may not be a good idea to go out with your friends.”

You closed your eyes. He was not going to make you feel bad. “I just needed a breather, okay? And I made it home just fine.”

“But did you? How do I know someone didn’t follow you?” he asked. Clark’s face flashed in your mind when you stayed quiet. “…Kotyonok, did someone follow you?”

“No one followed me that I know of,” you said. You really didn't have any idea. “But… I did bump into Clark. He was in the neighborhood.”

“Clark? That guy from the shop who tried to give you flowers just happened to be in your neighborhood when I wasn't around?” he asked, fury seeping into his tone as you winced.

“I… I’m sure it was a coincidence,” you said. Placating him in this wasn’t going to work, but you had to try.

“That isn’t a fucking coincidence and we both know it. Did he say anything? Try anything?”

You shut your eyes. It would be like ripping off a band-aid. “He asked me to go get a cup of coffee with him, but I told him I was seeing someone.”

He chuckled humorlessly. “He asked you out?” he asked, making you shift in your seat. “Why the fuck do I not have a file on him yet?!” he snapped at someone in the background.

“I’m working on it, boss!” you heard someone promise. “Should I call-”

“No. I’ll call him myself,” Bucky growled.

Who was he talking about? “Bucky, it’s okay. The guy asked me out and I said no,” you assured him. You weren't going to go out with Clark. “I’m sure women throw themselves at you every day and you turn them down.”

“They don't ‘bump’ into me in my neighborhood. And had you told me you were leaving early, I could’ve made sure this guy didn’t go anywhere near you. I don’t even want him near your shop until I know more about him,” he said, his anger not lessening. “If he tries anything, I will tear him apart piece by fucking piece,” he promised you, the intensity in his tone making your throat go dry.

“That isn’t necessary,” you whispered.

He sighed. “Why would you deliberately put yourself in a spot like this just to prove a point? Be pissed at me, I can take that, but do not risk your safety,” he said, adding in a quieter voice, “I couldn’t take it if something happened to you.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, hating how guilty you felt, how worried he sounded on your behalf. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to worry you,” you said. It was stubborn and dumb on your part, and now you were afraid that Bucky really would try to cancel your day out tomorrow. You couldn’t let him. “I’ll make it up to you, okay?”

“Make it up to me?” he asked. That seemed to get his attention. “How are you going to do that?”

“I’ll…” you began, steadying yourself. Natasha said you had power, and maybe you’d have to test that sooner than you expected. “Stay at your place tonight.”

You could hear a pin drop from the quiet. “You’ll stay the night?” he asked, his voice moving like lava through your veins.

“Yes,” you whispered, hammering the nail in the coffin.

“Give me two hours and I'll come get you,” he said, his voice strained, eager. “Be ready.”

“I will be.”

God, you hoped you knew what you were doing.

Oh, Clark. He's a problem now, isn't he? What do we think Ray told Bucky? And what's going to happen when you spend the night? Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[nmakii]

once upon a dream

— yukimiya’s been dreaming about a mysterious girl for a week and a half now. and, you haven’t been able to sleep. what happens when you finally talk? love at first sight.

stp i wrote this insane in like 7 hours icb this is 3.4k words!!! wtf i dont even like yukki that much 😭 this is j word vomit bro AHHAA

you were familiar with the mortal god known as kenyu yukimiya. he was everything your friends wanted in a boyfriend. he was kind, charismatic, gentlemanly, not to mention extremely handsome.

his status as a teenage model and athlete didn’t help his popularity either. girls were always asking him to hang out (hint: ‘hang out’ means ‘date’), to which he always agreed, even offering to pay for them.

that’s just how he was.

and you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t fallen under his siren spell too. not when his charming smile kept luring you closer to your death.

but, you could never pull him! not in a million years. with the status quo as it is, you two are in two different worlds.

at least, that’s what you think.

to yukimiya, you were familiar, perhaps even special. he saw you once in passing while you were leaving your classroom, and he suddenly had a sense of deja vu; it was as if he’s already lived this before. it could always just be nothing. it could just be stress since nationals is coming up soon.

but even so, you still catch his eye. he’s always wanted to talk to you, but he’s had the secret anxiety that you wouldn’t be too interested in talking to him. so, he enjoys the short times he see you pass him in the hallway, or coincidentally pick the lunch table beside his in the cafeteria.

but, he still feels as if there’s more to it than just a friend crush. the way you carry yourself, and the tone of your voice— it all makes him feel a familiar way.

his dreams as of late have revolved around a faceless girl. he can never recall her face after he wakes, but he always awakens with a sense that a part of him is missing.

it’s late in the day, 20 minutes before 6 PM. and, training has just finished. yukimiya catches his breath as he takes off his goggles, switching them out for his everyday glasses.

“…see you, guys!” he bids to the rest of his team, taking his leave with his school bag and training gear in hand.

the walk home is silent. before black spots begin to appear in his vision. ‘damn it…’ he thinks, ‘right now of all times..?’. he internally groans before hurrying his pace, quickly making it home.

he takes off his shoes and calls, “mom! i’m home!”.

his mother hums in acknowledgment and responds, “kenyu, we’re having katsu curry for dinner!” ah, that sounds delicious…

“alright..! i’m gonna go lie down for a bit though. my vision is a bit blurry again…” he comes into the kitchen, greeted with the salivating smell of his mother’s homemade curry.

“dear, if that’s the case, go rest for a while. i’ll save you a portion, alright?” his mother smiles. yukimiya frowns a bit but he nonetheless, obeys. “alright, mom. i’ll just take a nap.”

he sighs as he climbs the stairs up to his bedroom, and flops onto his bed. today was exhausting, he almost immediately falls asleep.

he looks around— he’s back at school. the sun outside looks as if it’s about to set, so classes must be over. but, he’s still in a classroom.

he leans on a desk, while the familiar faceless girl sits on one of the chairs. “…hm… so, blueberries improve your eyesight, huh..?” she hums. he’s not quite sure what got him in this moment, but he nods. “that’s right. they strengthen the blood vessels behind the eyes.”

something about her was ethereal, have it be the delicate way she presents herself, or the way her hair gracefully frames her blurred face. whatever it was, the only thing that could come to mind when he saw her painted orange and pink by the setting sun was, ‘divine’.

“hah, maybe you’d benefit better from chocolate-covered blueberries rather than chocolate-covered strawberries then.” she snickers.

“ahah, i wouldn’t hate that too much… why not?” he shrugs, laughing as well. there’s a scary tension in his shoulders, he feels pretty stiff. he feels pretty nervous— it feels like dread, but at the same time as if he has swallowed a kaleidoscope of butterflies, fluttering their way into his heart.

“really? maybe i’ll get you a box of chocolate-covered blueberries for valentines’ day then!” she innocuously proclaims this, unknown to the fact that yukimiya’s heart gets caught in his throat.

“i..is that so? i guess that just means i’ll have to return the favor on white day.” he hums, retrieving his school bag and training gear which had been thrown carelessly on a random desk.

his body was moving, but not to his mind’s command. why was he leaving?

he turned his back to face the mysterious girl again. a lithe hand moves to cover her mouth as she yawns, small pearlescent tears forming atop her lower eyelid.

her speech gets slurred. and his dream fades to black.

when yukimiya awakens, it’s 1:14 AM. talk about an after-school nap…

he scowls. his dream ended so suddenly, he has the desire for closure to give rest to the many ‘what if’ scenarios for what she could have said. ‘what was she going to say? was she asking why i was leaving?’ he wonders.

putting his disappointment aside, yukimiya decides to go and shower first. he leaves his room and goes into the bathroom beside the stairs to shower. all before changing into some clean clothes.

putting on a clean t-shirt, yukimiya sighs. clean clothes felt good. his stomach gurgles, and he groans at the sound. he did sleep for 7 hours. he shouldn’t be too shocked that he’s starved.

making his way down the stairway, he goes into the kitchen and finds a plate of katsu curry and rice being covered by one of his mother’s large baking bowls. there’s condensation of steam dripping from the metallic bowl from when the dish had been warm. the katsu by now has lost its’ crunch after absorbing the curry, and the rice isn’t quite as sticky anymore.

it’s not ideal, but yukimiya doesn’t have it in himself to complain. he can’t do anything about it anyways.

he throws the plate into the microwave to heat for two minutes. and as the dish spins on the microwave’s glass plate, his mind wanders back to his dream. now, he could only vaguely recall details, but he knew that it felt real. the sensation of his school bag’s rough fabric, and the sound of her melodic voice pouring into his ears— it all felt real.

the microwave beeps, and his train of thought is quickly stopped as he takes his food out of the microwave, and sits lonely at the dining table.

‘geez, this is depressing…’ he internally sighs. he might as well stay up until he has to get ready for school.

in another home however, you’ve only fallen asleep. you’d been closing your eyes, as well as tossing and turning in your bed for about 3 hours now, unable to fall asleep. you’ve tried everything— sleep ASMRs, melatonin candies… but, none of them have been able to help you sleep earlier.

it’s been like this for a week and a half now. you’ve noticed the dark circles under your eyes are much more pronounced now, making you resemble an undead creature, rather than a high school student.

your friends have been teasing you with a corny, deluded saying— “if you can’t sleep, then it’s probably because there’s someone dreaming about you.”, they say. what nonsense! it was more likely that it’s the stress of your projects, than someone dreaming about you.

nonetheless, you simply relish in the fact that you’re now asleep. not dreaming about anything in particular, just having a sort of good night’s sleep.

you groan when your alarm on your phone goes off. it sounds like an emergency alert system alarm. your father suggested after the first two times you were late last week due to oversleeping. your hand mindlessly moves, looking to turn off the irritating noise.

when it’s finally off, you lie in your bed for an extra minute or two. your body feels so stiff, everything hurts…

your heavy eyes open once again, and you turn your head far enough to see your phone and check the time. 6:18, did you oversleep for 20 minutes? you should get ready soon…

you reluctantly get out from your comfortable bed and stretch, cracking all the stiff bones in your body. you go about your daily routine and go on your way to school. you walk hurriedly, in hopes of taking a quick cat nap before classes start.

that hope is sadly not reached, as you only arrive just about a minute or two before the bell rings.

you manage to soldier through the day, staying up and diligently taking notes, as well as taking a very well-deserved nap during lunch. it really is a feat— for you, at least.

the day goes by horrifyingly slow, and having to stay late for club these days is a nightmare. as much as you want to say you’ve been putting all your effort into club activities, you really have been idling through until the time runs out.

sitting in one of the desks, you’re chatting with one of your club mates as your club president approaches you, “ah, sorry to bother you, but there’s a box on my desk in classroom 3-6, could you get it for me please..? i’m a bit busy to do it myself..” she explains.

“hm..? ah, sure. don’t worry.” you nod in response. she sighs, relieved that you aren’t too annoyed. “yay! thank you!” she hums, and you set on your way to classroom 3-6.

you climb your way up to the third floor, and let yourself inside the classroom. you quickly identify your president’s desk by the large box filled with goodies. “oh?” an airy yet warm voice hums. “what are you doing here?”

you turn your back and see yukimiya; bags in hand and everything..! “ah, hey..!” you awkwardly greet him. you’re not quite sure what you should say. “just… doing a favor. what about you?”

“i just forgot my lunchbox before i went down for training.” he hums, quickly grabbing his aforementioned lunchbox. at the mention of a lunchbox, you perk up. you hadn’t eaten at lunch, so you were awfully hungry. “ah..! you looked at me the second i mentioned my lunchbox!” he chuckled. “are you hungry? all i have is some packaged snacks.” he warns. he carelessly drops his school bag and training gear on another desk, and starts to move in your direction. all whilst opening the lunchbox, looking for something that you could to snack on.

you awkwardly laugh, embarrassed that he caught you. “honestly, i’ll take anything… thanks, yukimiya.” you graciously take the packaged rice cracker snack from his hands. yukimiya hums, “call me yukki; my friends call me that, and it’s much less formal too.”

your eyes go down, downcast to avoid eye contact.

a popular boy just told you to call him a nickname his friends call him..! is this what it’s like to have a love life..?!

as your eyes remain low, you catch a glimpse of a stained container, it looks as if barney the dinosaur had died in it. “what did you have for your recess? it looks messy…” you bluntly ask, not even thinking that it was probably a bit weird to ask.

“oh? i just had some blueberries. they were pretty lukewarm by the time break time came, though..! some of them got crushed. hence, the mess…” he laughs.

“blueberries? …i’ve never really liked the taste. or… it’s more like the lack of taste…” you place the box on a random desk and sit on a chair. you could kill some time, club was technically over anyways. he raises an eyebrow at your words, “really? i think they’re pretty good. plus, they help with my eyesight.”

“your eyesight? is it that bad? i feel like i only started seeing you wear glasses about two months ago.” yukimiya looks hesitant to answer, you probably crossed some sensitive territory…

“ah… not exactly… i guess, i just want to maintain my vision as it is. so it won’t get worse, is all.” he explains, and you nod. “ah, that makes sense.”

there’s an awkward moment of silence. where do you go from this..?

“…hm… so, blueberries improve your eyesight, huh..?” you clarify, hoping that he’d go into further detail. he pauses for a second. his muscles grow tense, as if he has realized something. but, he nods. “that’s right. they strengthen the blood vessels behind the eyes.”

he’s lived this before. his nails claw on the desk, itching to ground himself to reality.

this isn’t a dream.

this is real life.

and, he’s finally talking to the faceless girl.

like in his dream, he turns his head, and sees you painted orange and pink by the fading sunset. you look even more exquisite now that he can see and recognize your face. your eyes shine in contrast to the setting sun, and your lips quiver, as you try to think of something to say.

your hair is a bit more messier than in his dream. and your posture is quite stiff— no, awkward is a better word. your frame is awkward and anxious, he thinks. but, you still look just as divine as he dreamed you to be.

“hah, maybe you’d benefit better from chocolate-covered blueberries rather than chocolate-covered strawberries then.” you laugh.

“ahah, i wouldn’t hate that too much… so, why not?” he shrugs. again, that pesky nervousness in his shoulders is back. seeing the girl he has, quite literally, dreamed of for a week and a half now is something he’s wanted for a while now. his rose-tinted view of the mysterious girl is makes him feel nervous now that he’s met you.

“ah..!” you audibly gasp, “really? maybe i’ll get you a box of chocolate-covered blueberries for valentines’ day then!” you joke.

he’s heard those exact words before already, but it still flustered him.

i..is that so? heh, i guess that just means i’ll have to return the favor on white day.” he laughs. it’s getting late. the teachers are gonna lock the classroom doors soon, so the two of you should probably leave. he grabs his school bag and training gear, as well as his lunchbox.

you seem to get the hint, and stand up as well. you yawn, covering your mouth to save yourself some dignity, and small tears form in your eyes. “ahh… anyway, i have to take this down to my club room… i’ll see you, yukki.” you bid goodbye, trying on the new nickname for size.

but, yukimiya’s not ready to say goodbye just yet.

“ahh.. do you want me to carry that for you..? you seem pretty tired, so…” he wanders off, “are you okay?”

you reluctantly let him carry the box, and the two of you begin to walk down the stairs to your clubroom. “yeah, i’m alright… i just haven’t been sleeping well.” you hum, “i’ve tried basically everything… but, i can’t seem to sleep.”, you sigh.

“ah, seems annoying… but, i can’t do much to fix that. sorry…” he responds. his response seems a bit absent-minded though, as if he wasn’t focusing on what he said.

that was because his attention was directed to the lack of distance between the two of you. he’s been this close to other girls before… but, being close to you seems to make his heart pound right outside of his chest.

“eh, it’s not your fault. don’t worry to much about it.” you wave it off, as if it was a minor inconvenience.

the rest of the walk was uncomfortably silent but soon enough, you’re at your club room. you graciously open the door for yukimiya, which lets him get inside easily and place the box on a nearby table.

“heh… thanks, superman.” you smile. and yukimiya’s eyes move to avoid contact, embarrassed by the nickname. “oh, uhh… it really wasn’t a problem, so don’t worry about it.” he awkwardly laughs.

“i didn’t keep you too long, did i?” you ask. he’s not too sure what else he could’ve been busy with, but he’s touched by your concern. “nope, don’t worry too much.” he chides.

“just a habit, hehe…” you explain yourself as you move to grab your own school bag. “a—anyways, i’ll see you, yukki..!” you bid him goodbye for the second time today, waving your hand goodbye.

but again, yukimiya still isn’t quite ready to say goodbye.

“oh— do you want me to walk you home..?” he offers, quite forwardly, at that.

your face scrunches at his offer, anxious to be taking up so much of his time today, “n..no, that’s asking too much now… it’s fine, don’t worry too, okay?” you laugh, throwing back his own advice.

yukimiya scoffs, recognizing his own hypocrisy. he’s a bit saddened by the fact that you rejected his offer, but he has to respect your decision. “alright… then, maybe you wanna… hang out sometime..?” he sounds nervous. he’s never had to be the one asking someone out, so he doesn’t know how to ask someone to ‘hang out’.

“i..i can pay too if money’s a concern. i’m the one who’s asking you out after all, it’s only fair.” he rationalized. you mull it over for a quick minute, and you finally respond, “sure, but you really don’t have to do all that..! it’s not like this would be a date…” you reassure him.

for some reason, that last part hurt. he wishes that it was a date. his shoulders visually slum down in disappointment, but there’s still a sense of hope to his expression.

he’s willing to put time into this. he wants to know more about you; know why you’re appearing in his dreams. he nods, “yeah, that’s fair enough… are you free this saturday? we can just go around the city.”

“mhm. sounds like a plan.” you nod.

he grins, “great. i’ll see you—,” he pauses. he never asked about your name..! here he was disappointed about dates, and wanting to know more about you, but he doesn’t even know what your name is..! he should probably just disappear, this is too embarrassing. there’s no recovering from this—

“s/o.”

what?

“my name is s/o.” you inform him.

yukimiya snaps out of his humiliated state long enough to respond, “ah, i see..! my mistake for not ever asking for your name. heh, i guess i just got a bit too comfortable.” you laugh at his scatterbrainedness, and wave it off. “it’s fine, i got a bit comfortable too, so i forgot to tell you my name.”

he’s glad that you also felt comfortable with him, but he has a feeling that you have a different meaning for comfortable…

he felt as if he’s already known you. but, you simply thought of him as a schoolmate that you’re familiar with. it was his mistake for thinking of you as the faceless girl from his dreams, rather than the much more lifelike girl that stood before him.

“right… well, i’ll see you, s/o.” he smiles as he waves goodbye, his smile much wider than it had been before he met you in that classroom. you nod, waving goodbye as well. “yeah! bye, yukki!”

the two of you walk toward the school exit together before finally parting ways, leaving yukimiya feeling as if he’s separated with a part of him.

it was odd that he’s already this attached to you. but, maybe that was just because of the fact that the two of you just naturally clicked. or, the fact that he’s seen and talked with your faceless self in ephemeral periods when time stood still— all of it in romantic, rose-tinted glasses.

the moment he came home, he has just been a ticking time bomb, waiting for the moment he can see you again. he’s never felt quite as nervous as he does right now.

his heart feels like a heavy weight in his chest, making it difficult to breathe. he can’t have a crush on you already… can he?

it’s a question that haunts yukimiya as he lies in bed, anxious and unable to sleep.

and for the first time in a while, you have a good night’s rest.

[starstruckbyacomet]

Who Didn't Want Buddie to be Canon?

Is it the network or the actor?

In regards with the notion that ABC's best chance to make canon Buddie happened was in Season 7 (for promotional purpose & screen time efficiency), there are speculations why it didn't happen. We know that Oliver Stark didn't mind to play bi Buck, so it's unlikely he was the cause. It leaves us with 2 remaining suspects: ABC and Ryan Guzman. Let's explore the result of each possible scenarios:

SCENARIO 1: BOTH ABC and Ryan AGREED to make Buddie canon.

What could possibly happened:

Buddie would be canon in Season 7. ABC would gain more hypes from Buddie shippers. There would be no need to re-introduce Tommy, or to make ep. 7x04 "Buck, Bothered, & Bewildered". The extra screen time could be used for other storylines, e.g. Kim-Eddie-Marisol, Amir, and the deleted Eddie & Christopher's conversation about how Eddie and Shannon met.

SCENARIO 2: ABC DIDN'T WANT to make Buddie canon, but Ryan WAS WILLING to play gay Eddie.

What could possibly happened:

Tommy would be re-introduced and paired with Eddie. ABC wanted either Buck or Eddie to have a bisexual awakening to bait attract new queer-leaning audience. Buck is more popular than Eddie among the majority of fans, who are mostly cis het women. That's also why the show sends Oliver for promotion more often than Ryan. Making Eddie queer instead of Buck, is a safer bet to minimize the risk of losing queer-averse audience.

SCENARIO 3: ABC WANTED to make Buddie canon, but Ryan DIDN'T WANT to play gay Eddie.

What could possibly happened:

Tommy would be re-introduced and directly paired with Buck, without even being considered to be paired with Eddie behind the scenes.

In this scenario, ABC's preference was canon Buddie (for promotional purpose & screen time efficiency). Oliver and Ryan would be asked whether they were willing to play queer Buck and queer Eddie. Lou Ferrigno Jr. would be called ONLY AFTER one of them refused, which most likely was Ryan. Since Ryan had refused to play a queer Eddie, it doesn't make sense to even consider pairing Tommy with Eddie. And Lou WOULDN'T SAY that "It was originally, possibly going to be with Eddie and Tommy, but that fell through," in his interview.

SCENARIO 4: ABC DIDN'T WANT to make Buddie canon, AND Ryan DIDN'T WANT to play gay Eddie.

What could possibly happened:

ABC wanted to bait attract new queer leaning audience. However, they already had Henren as the main queer couple on the show. Adding another main queer couple could upset their existing queer-adverse audience. One possible baiting strategy is to make either Buck or Eddie had a bisexual awakening, dated a man, broke up with the man, then continued to date women (and sometimes men, if necesaary). That way, either Buck or Eddie could claim the bisexual label but didn't have to show their queer relationships on screen for too long.

Tim Minear might have planned to make Buck bisexual since at least Season 2. However, after the show had been airing for 6 seasons, Buck seemed to be more popular among members of the general audience compared to Eddie. To minimize the risk of losing the existing queer-averse audience, Tim and/or ABC chose Ryan to be the one who'd play a queer character, with Tommy as his first boyfriend.

For whatever (probably more than one) reasons, Ryan refused. Thus, Tim was back to his initial plan: making Buck bisexual. Unlike Ryan, Oliver (whom probably had been told about the possibility of bisexual Buck since a long time ago), was easily on board. This makes sense considering what Lou said in his interview, "It was originally, possibly going to be with Eddie and Tommy, but that fell through. But Oliver was willing..."

CONCLUSION: Who didn't want Buddie to be canon? ABC or Ryan? It's ironic that the answer might have been inadvertently hinted almost a year ago, by unsuspecting Lou, nonetheless:

The fact that ABC even planned Eddie to be paired with Tommy, means ABC had rejected the idea of canon Buddie.

The fact that the plan fell through, most likely because it was rejected by Ryan, means Ryan didn't want to play a gay Eddie.

The most plausible answer is both. Both ABC and Ryan Guzman didn't want Buddie to be canon.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

I'm Not Sure How To Feel...

Dear Future Husband,

Wow. I almost wrote Deaf Uture Husband, which is either ironic or a Freudian slip of the fingers, because that's literally what this post is about.

I grew up with a disabled, lazy, mostly-absentee, so-many-other-problems, father.

And someone just sent me the resume for someone similar.

Now, the truth is, I don't know him all that well.

But I do know that he's deaf (aka disabled). And that (at least in the beginning, especially around the divorce) he has been kind of an absentee father. And that he was kind of pushed into working despite not really wanting to, so he basically works a minimum wage job.

I know all this because he's the ex of a family friend.

Yeah.

Also he's a lot younger than me, which on it's face isn't necessarily a problem, but it's the lack of maturity more than the "youngness" that bothers me.

The friend who sent the resume is one of the absolute sweetest people you could ever meet in your life.

We were in middle and high school together, though we didn't share too many classes and weren't in the same social circles, so at the time we were more acquaintances than friends.

But recently I signed up to bring them a meal after she gave birth and I've since been helping her out with the kids a few times a week and we've definitely moved from acquaintances to friends.

Since it's been less than 2 months though, we are still getting to know each other and I'm not sure if the resume was her idea or her husband's. I don't even really know if they actually know him or just read the resume and thought it sounded good for me. But she had asked me if the last name had ever come across my desk before and I just thought to myself "it caaaan't be who I think it is...." so I told her to feel free to send it over, because the best case scenario is that it's someone I've never heard of and the worst case scenario is I just say no thank you.

I considered how to word it when I saw that it was exactly who I thought it was, and ended up just telling her how funny it was that I actually did know who he was and that it was just not shayich for a bunch of reasons, but I'd keep him in mind for others.

Diplomatic, closed the subject, and now we can move on.

Or can we....?

Because this is the second guy suggested to me this year who is a little off.

And I know that kind of comes with the territory of being an "older single".

And I know that people think that I'm the sweetest person and therefore would entertain the idea of these guys because I come across as a nonjudgemental person, the exact type these guys would need to marry.

But at the same time, I'd like to think people deem me worthy of at least a 6, you know?

Neither of these guys are ugly, per se, but they're just ambitionless.

And I know, look who's talking, right? But the truth is, I do have ambitions, I just have no way to make them happen because I don't have the mazal for it.

These guys could have all the mazal in the world, but they just kind of couldn't care less, I guess.

They kind of lack personality.

And I know I have friends who are all personality who married very mild guys, but I feel like I need someone who I can have a conversation with. Someone I can be a bit combative with (in a healthy way). Someone with thoughts and ideas and who wants to do things.

Does this mean I just don't come off as my authentic self to the people who are trying to set me up? (Not that I really think I'm ready for marriage yet, but since Hashem works in mysterious ways, I don't just shoot down whatever ideas are floated my way)

The first guy who was suggested to me this year I did actually go out with. Since I was away for the summer and he was staying like an hour and a half away from where I was staying, he took a bus to come meet me, which I totally didn't expect to happen.

He was nice enough, but awkward and probably on the spectrum. I did most of the talking and it was like pulling teeth to get him to open up about most things, so I kept it light and did mostly ice breaker type conversation while we walked around a park a little bit. Then I drove him to catch his bus and that was kind of it.

The girl who wanted us to go out was an old family friend I hadn't seen in at least 15 years, but I ran into her at a simcha and she had her mom (who used to be a shadchan) do the shadchan thing.

Just based on his resume, I had a feeling it wasn't going to work out because hashkafically we were in two different places, but I figured if he was up to meet, then the least I could do was give him an hour or two of my time, because maybe I'd know someone who is right for him.

The friend later told me that he never dates because he's too shy and she'd been trying to get him to go out for several years and I was the first person he'd said yes to. She tried to get me to go on another date with him, but like I said, hashkafically we were just on two different pages though if he's interested in talking tachlis, I'll go out again, but he kind of agreed because he didn't want a second date either. (She kind of figured if she could get me to say yes then maybe he would too. I think she's just trying to get him out of his little rut, though I don't know if he wants to leave it, to be honest...)

For example, I'm looking for someone for whom attending minyan is important, whereas he prefers to daven by himself, if at all.

And I'm looking for someone who has a regular learning seder multiple days a week, at the very least over the phone if they're unable to connect in person, and he learns about once a week, if at all.

I want a Shabbos table that revolves around Torah, sefarim, and zemiros. And he... I guess doesn't?

In general I'm just looking for someone more serious about and more settled in their yiddishkeit and I didn't get that impression of him in the resume or in person (and then the shadchan confirmed those impressions too).

And as for this second guy I was just suggested... I get the feeling it's the same type of situation. I've met him several times and he just reminds me so much of my father in terms of his apathy towards yiddishkeit and being a father.

That's not at all what I'm looking for.

And I know this friend who sent the resume for this second guy sees the world through such positive, beautiful glasses, but I can't help thinking that it's kind of offensive people think that little of me.

Again, maybe that's not at all what she was thinking. Maybe she doesn't actually know him and was just passing along the resume for someone who on paper looks great. I mean, the resume looks decent. The blurb is short and hits all the important positive points, so from the outside it is similar to what I'm looking for.

But knowing the person and the way things went down with the divorce and everything definitely changes the whole perspective. His ex was literally in tears on multiple occasions that he seemed so disinterested in his role as a father and just showing up and being present when the kids wanted him.

So I guess at this point I'm just hoping she doesn't actually know him and was just passing along the resume because it looks decent.

Either way, dear future husband, he is not you. Neither of them are. I can say that with confidence.

-LivelyHeart

[wonnieluv]

Can I Be Him? - Jay x reader

Summary: After meeting Jay by chance one day before leaving home for Christmas, you can’t get him out of your mind. After texting him while you were home, you’ve finally returned to Seattle just before the New Years. Who knows what will happen next between the two of you

Warnings: none!

This is the pt. 2 to I Met You In The Dark… You Lit Me Up. Read pt. 1 here!

masterlist

December 30th, 2024 — Ever since that rainy Wednesday night 2 weeks ago, Jay has somehow found a way to occupy almost every corner of your brain.

It started with a text from him on Christmas day. At that point you had almost assumed that he had forgotten about you and moved on with his life, but you couldn't have been more wrong.

☔︎ ☔︎ ☔︎

December 25th 2024 —

Your heart skipped a beat when you checked your phone after you and your family finished opening presents when the name Jay flashed across your screen. His sweet Christmas message being the first you’ve heard of him since that evening a week prior.

Ever since that message, the two of you talked nearly everyday. You told him about whatever you were up to oh your family, he told you about some songs he was planning to sing at the cafe. You couldn’t help the giddy feeling that bloomed as he messaged you. You began to get to know him even more, finding out he has some friends that love to go finishing when the weather permits, he enjoys spending his free time strumming on his guitar, he’s really close to his father and his father is super supportive of his pursuit of music outside the family business, he looks AMAZING in the color brown (you did some insta stalking to figure that one out). It didn’t take long for you to begin to develop some sort of feeling for him. Now, all of your relationship, besides that night, has been based on the texts you two have exchanged while you were clear across the country, but everything that led up to this moment made you want to see him even more and lucky for you, that day may be coming soon…

☔︎ ☔︎ ☔︎

December 29th 2024 —

You squeal into your blankets as you reread your conversation.

I have a date… for New Years… oh my god

☔︎ ☔︎ ☔︎

December 31st, 2024 — you stare out the window of the airplane as you see the now familiar outline of Seattle come into your view.

Ever since Jay asked you out you haven’t been able to think of anything else. You didn’t think it would be possible for him to occupy ur mind as much as he had already but you were shown that it was in fact possible.

As you grab your luggage you eagerly exit the terminal and get in your cab. Your plan is to get home, unpack, eat lunch, PANIC, and then get ready. Maybe panic some more if there’s time in between.

The thought that it’s been 2 weeks since you let this man and he’s got you all giddy like you’re in high school again almost worried you but, what the hell it’s literally New Year’s Eve! You may as well let yourself have fun!

With that mindset you continue to go about your day. Unpacking and relaxing from the traveling you did this morning and getting ready for this evening. Before you know it, 7pm is approaching fast and you’re doing your last minute touch ups before you put your shoes on.

At 6:59 you’re waiting for the elevator when your phone buzzes in your purse.

With the acknowledgment that you’ll be seeing him again momentarily, your heart immediately picks up its pace as you impatiently watch the floors tick down in the elevator.

As you step out you immediately walk towards the front door where you see Jay waiting looking as mesmerizing as ever.

Based on the messages the two of you had exchanged to confirm your plans, you knew he’d be taking you somewhere nice as you had dressed accordingly but the sight of him standing outside your apartment with a small bouquet in a black button up paired with black dress pants and some nice shoes made your knees want to buckle mid step. He look AMAZING

You were so caught up blatantly staring at him that you failed to notice the slight drop of his jaw as his eyes raked over your figure. What could he do? You looked HOT

“You look stunning, Y/N” he says as you finally reach him. He can’t contain the smile that paints his handsome features as he extends the bouquet out to you.

“You don’t look to bad yourself” you respond with a shy smile as you take in the scent of the flowers. “These are beautiful Jay”

“I’m glad you like them… I had my mom help me pick them out” he says sheepishly as he scratches the back of his neck as a faint blush creeps up.

You immediately soften at the thought of him asking his mother for help with picking the flowers. “I think the both of you did an amazing job” you lean up and slightly rise onto your toes to give him a peck on the cheek.

The faint blush on his neck and cheeks become a bit more noticeable as he tries to not get too flustered by your actions. “Shall we… get going?” He says with a shy smile holding out his arm to you. You nod with a smile hooking your arm with his as he leads you to his car.

The car ride wasn’t overly filled with chatter but it was just enough. Jays playlist playing softly in the background as you gazed out the window. You two conversed about some pretty mundane things but you didn’t mind. He asked you how your travels went this morning and you asked him about what he’d been up to today.

Your comfortable small talk made the time fly by and before you knew it you were outside of a nice Italian place by the water and Jay was at your door helping you out of the car.

The restaurant had a nice intimate setting with dim overhead lighting and candles on every table. It felt very romantic with the live band playing on the small stage on the corner. As you’re led to your seats, Jays hand holds yours while you walk through the restaurant not letting go until you have reached your table.

“How did you find this place” you ask him as you look around in awe. You haven’t lived in Seattle long at all, but you would’ve loved to have known about this place sooner.

“My dad brought my mom here on their first date, so I felt it would be good luck to bring you here” he says as he gazes at you softly. “The food is also pretty good I guess.” He says in a light tone.

You chuckle at his light joke. “You really care for you parents huh?” You say almost in awe at the mention of his parents. You can tell they mean a lot to him and the fact that he seems so close to them is definitely an attractive point.

“I owe them everything you know? I wouldn’t trade them for the world” he says with a fond smile “so when I have a hard time with something I normally turn to them for advice.”

“Was deciding flowers difficult” you say in a joking tone at his response.

“Well when I have a date with the most beautiful girl and I don’t know where to take her, it’s a pretty big problem. I gotta impress her don’t I?”

“I think she’s impressed” you say as you almost have to bite back a smile. You can already tell your cheeks are going to be hurting from how hard you’re going to be smiling tonight.

☔︎ ☔︎ ☔︎

Needless to say the dinner was nothing short of perfect. The food was incredible, Jay is incredible. Everything feels too good to be true.

At the moment the two of you are walking in an unpopulated park. It’s up on a hill with the most beautiful view of the city. The two of you walk hand-in-hand down the path taking in the atmosphere. you come to a bench that looks straight out at the water and you sit comfortably with your head on Jays shoulder, still holding his hand.

“Oh shit! I’m so sorry, I left something in the car. I’ll be right back I promise it’ll only be 5 minutes!” He says hurriedly

“It’s okay I’ll be waiting” you say with a smile. With your reassurance he immediately bolts back along to the path to the car.

Now sitting in silence you take a deep breath in. You almost feel like this is the moment you wake up from your dreams and come back to the reality of the fact that you are painfully single once again on New Years. You lean back on the bench as you look up at the night sky hoping to savor this feeling when all of the sudden you hear a rustling behind you.

You snap up at the noise immediately looking behind. You know you aren’t too worried and Jay will be back any moment, but it is a dark park and there is virtually nobody around at the moment.

“Keep quiet you idiot” you hear a whisper come from behind the bushes

“ow! don’t hit me” you hear another voice one from a similar direction.

“shhh you idiot, she’s gonna see us”

At this point you’re a bit worried. You know these voices are talking about you because there’s nobody else around. You look back in the direction Jay came from and have yet to see him return down the path. You stand up and back away from the bench a little in case you need to run away. But before you have the chance to think about it, you hear a guitar softly coming from down the path.

Your head snaps in the direction the music is coming from and the next thing you see is Jay with his guitar around his neck as he begins to song

You walked into the room and now my heart’s been stolen

You took me back in time to when I was unbroken

He begins to approach you slowly as he continue to sing the songs.

Now you’re all I want, and I knew it from the very first moment

He looks deeply into your eyes only straying to glance down at his guitar

Wanna dry those tears, kiss those lips, it’s all I’ve been thinking about

As the song continues you can’t think of anything other than him in that moment.

Cause a light came on, when I heard that song and I want you to sing it again,

He sings the words so deeply, so passionately. Seeing him sing for you and only you brings you back to the first time you heard him perform in that small cafe. The way his gaze pierced yours, the way he made your heart beat out of your chest. It’s all the same now, except 100x stronger

When the lights come on, and I’m on my own will you be there, to sing it again?

The tears begin to pool in your eyes as you stand so close to him. The only thing holding you back from embracing him in that moment is the guitar that he’s playing.

Can I be the one you talk about in all your stories?

Can I Be Him?

He steps even closer until he’s as close as he possibly can be

Can I Be Him?

His voice drowning out your surroundings to the point you don’t notice the sound of figures appearing from the bushes they were previously hiding in

Can I Be Him?

As he finishes the last line he strums the last chord on his guitar he adjusts it to sit on his back as he moves closer to you pressing his forehead against yours.

“Y/N… will you let me be yours?” He asks you softly

“Yes Jay… of course yes!” You say through your tears. At your response he pulls you into a tender kiss overcome with happiness.

It was a scene from a cheesy rom com movie. The two of you sharing a sweet kiss as the fireworks begin to go off behind you. You pay no mind too engrossed in the boy in front of you at the moment. What does snap you out of it is the being flash from behind.

“Riki you dumbass I told you to tune the flash off!” You hear as you immediately snap away from Jay turning to see the sheepish smiles of 6 boys holding a variety of party poppers, champagne, sparklers, a cake, and whatever other festive stuff the probably found at Party City.

Your initial shock fades as you hear Jay groan “seriously guys…” he turns to you “when I told them I was gonna ask you out they insisted they should be apart of it because I was ditching them on New Years Eve”

You slap his shoulder in disbelief “you told me you had no plans!”

“What! C’mon man we hang every year” you hear one of the boys exclaim in response to your disbelief

“Oh shut up Jake! Ur just jealous because ur single”

“Oooooooooo he got you” you hear one of the other slap the boy you assume to be Jake on the shoulder

“Whatever man can he just cut the cake” he says

You chuckle looking up at Jay “shall we?”

He pecks ur lips “we shall”

“Yall can be PDA later I don’t wanna barf up my first meal of 2025” one of them whines out causing everyone the laugh in response

☔︎ ☔︎ ☔︎

As the 8 of you say on the grass in the park for a little while with respect to the fact that you did have to work the next day.

You learned the group had all met in college and became inseparable since and were basically brothers. Jay met Heeseung first at his orientation as he showed him around campus and they bonded over their love for music. Sunghoon is the same age and they were roommates freshman year. They met Sunoo joined them after having a group project with Sunghoon a year later and he brought Jungwon into the group the year after that. Jake joined after coming to their school as an international student who had been able to get a job in the city and extend his visa. Riki joined not too long after because he was in the same dance team as Jungwon and would play basketball with Jake sometimes in pickup games on the weekends.

The 7 boys, in just one evening, added so much laughter back into your life. Things had been so lonely for you since moving and meeting Jay had made a bigger impact on your life than you could have ever imagined. Sitting in the park leaning back against his chest feeling of vibrate with his laughter as they reminisced on their year made you feel so complete. You finally felt you could make a home for yourself here with your new found friends (and boyfriend *cough cough*).

You returned to your apartment hand-in-hand with Jay as he made sure you made it in the building safely just like the first time.

“I’m sorry the others kinda busted into our moment” he says sheepishly as the two of you arrive

You shake your head “please don’t apologize. It made me so happy to meet them.” You smile at him

Hearing that you can see the light in his eyes knowing you liked his friends. “I think they liked meeting you too” he says with a chuckle.

“I’m glad” you step forward and hug him “thank you Jay…” you say softly into his neck

“I should be thanking you angel…” you responds as he strokes your hair.

You pull back locking eyes with him you move forward and give him a kiss before stepping back “I should probably go in now” you say still locking eyes with him. Despite your words you make no effort to move any farther away

“Yea you should” he says also not moving from his spot

The two of you basking the silence of the eye contact the two of you are holding

“Jay…?”

“Mmm?”

“Would you like to come up for a drink” you offer hesitantly

“Is that a good idea angel? You need to work in the morning” he asks genuinely not wanting to get in the way of your sleep

You nod taking his hand and pulling towards the doors to your apartment complex.

Needless to say those drinks led to you two talking on your couch until the sun came up and you fell asleep in his arms on the sofa (not before calling in sick from work)

You’ve never thanked yourself more for stepping out of your usual routine and heading to that cafe that one Wednesday night and you slept with ease feeling safe knowing the man holding you would continue to offset your life in the best way possible with nothing more than his honey voice, caramel eyes, and charming smile that caused you to fall head over heels for him.

I’ve loved writing both parts of this and I really hoped you all enjoyed them!

@chlorophylliaa @ikeuluvr

[stillgotscars]

there’s a letter left under your desk and the last thing that you’ll read btw. if you even care.

[idontmindifuforgetme]

And on this Valentine’s I almost broke down in tears at a wife’s dedication to her heart surgeon husband whose brain is deteriorating with a rare case of dementia

[definitelynotnia]

im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

[hydrossity-zone]

you telling me other people dont keep the same special interest theyve had since they were 9. whadda hell

[poebrey]

my mother is doing pretty good for having covid but that also means she keeps getting up to do things which makes things a little difficult for us because our apartment is so tiny there’s no good space to quarantine her and we all share a bathroom

[silverior968]

Nuku hyvin, rakas Kirppunen

[Image ID: A digital drawing of an elderly pug laying in a field during sunset, surrounded by pansies./ End ID]

[icewindandboringhorror]

Misc daily life images

[rararasputins-dick-mind-control]

top ten funny ford escape moments

1. that time it just completely died after a 20 minute trip out of town but was completely fine the next morning (last summer)

2. that time i woke up to find a huge dent in my car and someones shattered tail light beneath it (last winter)

3. that time it had an engine misfire and it was scary (also last winter)

4. that time the radio decided to change stations and turn its volume all the way up of its own volition (last winter and continuing, frequency of these events seems to be determined by humidity???)

5. that time the drivers side door wouldnt close unless you locked the door but then the lock stopped working so i had to drive to the shop with one hand tightly gripping the door handle so it wouldnt swing open on every right turn (this winter)

6. that time i thiught i had another misfire because my car was shaking more than usual and the engine light was flashing but when i turned the car on and off again everything was apparently fine (today)

7. that time my car was actually not fine because i get back into town and discover that my car is accelerating on its own (today)

8. my car was ACCELERATING ON ITS OWN I WAS NOT TOUCHING THE GAS PEDAL

9. it WOULD NOT STOP and when i put it in park it made some terrifying, expensive sounding noises (cause it was still trying to fucking drive for some reason!!!!) and i immediately turned off the car fuck that fuck that fuck that

10. also my power steering fluid is leaking but all of todays car moments are somehow unrelated according to my dad and his friend who are both way more experienced woth cars than me but could not identify the other liquid that was leaking out of my poor car

[carmenlire]

this has been a difficult, awful week only for it to end friday at 3pm with an invitation to interview for a management position next week.

[itsalwaysdark]

i feel better after playing sdv w lamp for a bit but now im feeling worse again . grah

[mosspapi]

Trying so hard not to overthink this but it's very difficult when looking up anything abt it online is like 'if this happens u need to see a doctor Immediately bcuz ur gonna die'. Like. I'm taking pictures of it to compare so I can b sure it's healing properly, and it Looks better than it did on Monday at least to me- there's less red around the edges and the whitish/yellowish/bumpy scabs are looking way more normal now, but I just changed the cover bcuz I needed to b able to hide it better and there was a yellow spot on it which according to google means it's very infected and I need to see a doctor. And I really don't want to risk having to see a doctor bcuz that means either lying to my parents and the receptionist abt why I need an appointment, or telling the truth and getting sent to a psych ward or some shit. And I'm on antibiotics rn anyways so it's not like I would get more prescribed if I went. They'd prolly just fuckin wash it and put polysporin on and call it a day which is what I'm doing rn anyways, right? Eugh. Not having a good time.