#it would be quite the twist if they had
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Ariadne Oliver and Hercule Poirot, detective duo
Mrs Oliver is detective novelist and Poirot's friend. She accompanies Poirot on several of his most famous cases, providing her own unique perspective on each of the crimes they encounter. She is feisty, quick to jump to conclusions (sometimes right, sometimes wrong), and strongly believes that Scotland Yard would be better run by a woman. Ariadne Oliver is, in many ways, a vehicle for Agatha Christie's own voice, particularly in relation to writing and the public. In a 1956 interview with John Bull magazine, Agatha Christie dismissed the idea that any of her characters are truly derived from real life, although she did admit that Mrs Oliver has "a strong dash" of herself. Christie always took a somewhat tongue in cheek approach to her supposed fictional alter ego, who she credited with writing a novel called The Body in the Library, a title she would use herself in 1942.
A HAUNTING IN VENICE (2023), dir. Kenneth Branagh
#a haunting in venice#poirot#hercule poirot#agatha christie#kenneth branagh#tina fey#perioddramaedit#filmedit#ahauntinginveniceedit#*edit#tina's portrayal looks amazing <3#she's going to be an awesome madame oliver#her connection with poirot is already felt#in various clips and promos we've got#it would be quite the twist if they had#romantic undertones in this version!#canonically they're dear friends#and i'm fine with either choice <3#i don't think it'll be outright stated#but i do feel there are certain shots in the clips#where she's always looking at him#and like she's looking out FOR him#that make it an interesting romantic AU :)#where she's a widow maybe?
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bears for sale @ letterstoear
#i think it's a bit of missed opportunity that sebek is the only bear with pointy eyes bcs his eyes is what makes me think he's really cute ♡#not sure how nice it'd look in real product; but i think it'd be nice if bear floyd and bear jade also has pointy eyes with different angle#twst#twisted wonderland#sebek zigvolt#malleus draconia#lilia vanrouge#twst silver#maybe even leona & jamil too bcs they are quite the mwehehe deep down like \\\\٩(๑`^´๑)۶////and sleepy eyes for silver#and aw it would also be cute and more distinctive if riddle's bear had the heart shaped bang like sebek's bolt bang; i think#fanart#i just saw grim plush on the shop page too; lmao omg he's so cute & evil looking#sebek is behaving bcs malleus and lilia bear is on him
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Too Little
Part three of Jamil (not) dealing with feels here we go. Jamil x reader, Jamil’s pov Previous parts: part one, part two
This was stupid.
Here he was, rolling around in bed, unable to sleep because thoughts of you filled his mind.
It had been futile of Jamil to think that he could simply brush your presence aside, that he could treat you like just another schoolmate and not let you consume his mind.
Not when every quiet moment had him reach for his phone in hopes of a new message from you.
Not when you kept on finding new ways to make his heart skip a beat every time he saw you.
Not when he missed you more acutely every time you weren’t there.
So, despite his best efforts, his mind treaded those same paths, time and again, occupied by all the parts of you. Your expressions, your mannerisms, your words, every single detail committed to his memory and played over and over.
He suspected that at this point he’d be able to recreate most of your expressions just from memory. Your voice, too, playing so clearly in his mind.
Not to even mention those oh so tantalizing what ifs, supplying him with even sweeter temptations than the confines of reality and memory could provide.
What it would feel like to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you, to-
No. No no no. He would not go there.
Jamil could feel the heat burning in his cheeks and he rolled over, groaning into his pillow.
This was ridiculous. Absolutely preposterous.
Yet, there was no getting out of it.
He wanted you.
He wanted more of you, so much more than what he had.
Because each taste of you left him craving more, each glimpse made him want to uncover everything there was to you.
Even the parts you might consider ugly, as sappy as that was.
What kind of people did you like, anyway?
Charming? Intelligent? Funny?
Rich and influential?
Did you even like guys? Or relationships in general?
Just the thought - relationship - made Jamil's cheeks burn even brighter, made his legs twitch under the covers.
Yet, somehow, it did not sound so bad.
To have you.
To be yours.
To know and be known.
He huffed and turned over onto his back.
As if his duties left room for something for himself, left enough of him to share with someone like that.
And would you like what you saw in him, anyway?
Yet, his excuses were beginning to sound more and more hollow.
After all, he was nothing if not resourceful, and so far you’d shown no signs of shying away, even as you dug your way deeper.
Jamil stared at the canopy over his bed with unseeing eyes.
He’d have to do something about this.
Because if he didn’t, he might just lose his mind.
But was the alternative any better? Could he even handle it? The full force of you, if - and it was a big if - you were to accept him.
Even now, when you looked at him in that particular way of yours… He never could hold your eyes for long when that happened. The softness and the warmth he saw were far too overwhelming, always forcing him to turn away lest he made a complete fool of himself.
If he were to have that, with the full force of affection intention behind it… How could he even bear it?
Like the other day… You’d found Jamil in the middle of his chores and dragged him away, his to-do list crumbling when you grabbed his hand and led him outside.
He was all too aware of how his protests had been half-hearted at best. How your sudden appearance, your touch had shut down every sensible part of him, leaving him unpleasantly raw.
And by the time he’d gathered himself, nearly convinced himself he had other things he should be doing instead, you were sharing ice creams outside Sam’s, to celebrate the first warm day of the year.
As if it wasn’t warm in Scarabia year round.
As if he hadn’t been too preoccupied by your happiness and enthusiasm to bring himself to heel.
Sometimes, it was all he could do not to be swept away by you, barely keeping his head above the surface.
So, what choice did he have but to act?
You’d made a home in his heart already, whether he asked for it or not.
All he could do was take control of what he could.
Eta: you can find part 4 here and part 5 / the final part here. Oh dear I'm starting to get tempted to write this from the reader's pov as well. Or maybe I'll just have to ramble about the thought process behind this at some point to get that out of my system. I also considered going to a more horny direction with this but decided to go with this kind of yearning in the end. But, if the horny version is of interest for y'all, maybe I can do that as an alternative / supplementary thing to this series, or some sort of a standalone at some point. Hope y'all enjoyed! One or two more parts are still to come. Tag list: @colliope @crystallizsch @diodellet @jamilsimpno69 @jamilvapologist @mazapanmiau @perilous-pasta @twstgo If you'd like to be tagged for any future works, do let me know! Also feel free to specify if you only want tags for particular kinds of works (like sfw/nsfw for example).
#twisted wonderland#jamil viper#twisted wonderland x reader#jamil viper x reader#ner writes#also yes that ice cream bit is totally me projecting#guess the wip asks did nudge me to actually getting this to a publishable state#so it's not just crumbs you're getting of this anymore#and at this point it's been sitting as a wip quite a bit longer than I thought it would#especially considering its length#so I'm just glad to have this out#(I mean not like I'm holding myself to a strict schedule and I did travel for a few days and stuff)#(but this had been missing the final sit down for a little while now so I'm happy to have it done)#look forward to what's coming Jamil's way in the future installment(s) >:)#also hopefully the @s are working for y'all because they keep on wanting to misbehave on my end
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Broke: Pol and Slime can't log in because the admins are developing the storyline for island lore
Woke: Pol and Slime can't log in because the admins are developing the storyline for their ROMANCE
#all im saying is they had a connection#i am a slimariana supporter to my core. that being said i think it would be quite the plot twist.#slimariana angst bc slime chose someone else and pol angst bc my man does not want to be a father and now he's got two egg children#qsmp#slimepol
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also y'all
does anybody have the original japanese of this line from book 5 ch 27???
bc rereading it i was like. O_O. is he. not talking about vil.
i was thinking like "the first read through you're definitely meant to think so, and vil did absolutely change rook's life, but with context from both book 6 and his halloween vignette, what he's describing here leans more towards the latter" which is like. masterful gaybait i can't even be mad. it's like that post saying "some gaybaiting is like a box propped up with a stick and a block of cheese underneath" except this has all the intricacy of a steampunk clock.
but my VERY shoddy japanese skills r telling me the line translates more to "beauty in your eyes and the darkness, lighting up your entire life for you—in a time in your existence when you'll be able to have [such an experience] (expanding on the prev line where he says they'll be able to understand his ideology in the future)"
^ and i probably mangled this so bad but the main point is i didn't hear him refer to a "someone" like he does in the english tl & i'm wondering if i missed it or if it was in fact added!!!
#txt#how should i tag this to potentially reach ppl who know the answer#twisted wonderland#rook hunt#i was gonna say the sunbeam simile does lean the other way too but iirc he does describe vil as radiant in an earlier scene so that's moot#anyway even if my translation is right you can interpret it as either of the ways i was talking about but it is/would be much more openended#much more cryptic and rookish hahahahaha#japanese is so hard dawg i only had to look up one of the words in this line to understand p much all of them but i still struggled so hard#figuring out what the words meant together😭💔#& inb4 i'm having monolingual struggles i speak mandarin chinese as a second language which Also uses topic-comment structure#i do have way less experience w japanese though & one sentence of modern japanese can feel like a paragraph of mencius to me.#modern mandarin does not do 5d chess with language quite so much
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(Going insane boinkinh one AU in my head)
Hey hey hey
May I interest you in
(Slowly slides my FaaF AU towards you but void just Disappears without a trace one day before the accolade)
Teehee
#thylacines can talk#faaf au#i love this au very yummy. a very fun twist on how Flower's dynamic with their parents would progress afterwards#the vessels live but the void exits their bodies in quite a violent manner (extreme pain and literally throwing up an entire person worth of#void). Flower was on guard duty and theyre found barely conscious in a pool of rapidly evaporating void. passes out seconds later#PK also had the displeasure of experiencing extene pain and burning as void forced its way out through his skin <3 And his moulds all melted#and evaporated. after the initial shock wears off theyre hit with “Oh No#the vessel“ and rush to find them. Well somebody else was already looking for the royal pair about this#Flower wakes up dazed and in pain in their father's workshop. their stomach hurts their throat burns and they feel lightheaded. the entire#place is considerably brighter than they remember and in they can hear two faint voices in the background but theyre too preoccupied with#examining their now pure white hand in shock to focus on anything else. until they hear their mother say “My wyrm they're awake” and#suddenly their parents are by their side. Now the two have no idea what void leaving their body might have done to them. Are they still#hollow? are they still dead? do they understand anything are they sentient? or was what was done pernament even without the void? do they#have the mind of a child if their sentience was restored? or do they remember anything? So WL stays by their side and helps them sit up#while their father goes to grab his tools. She's trying to keep them calm and comfort them but theyre still too disoriented to pay her much#attention. Until their father checks their breathing and they yelp audibly from the cool metal contacting their skin and suddenly they seem#much more alert. theyve never experienced true coldness before. PK quickly apologises and tries to be gentler with them. Theyre breathing#properly and they have a heartbeat. And he just pauses for a long while just. listening to their heart beating. Many emotions to be had#after the exam's over he asks them point blank how theyre feeling. And Flower looks up at him still seeming a little disoriented. and then#they lower their hand to their stomach and mutter 'My tummy hurts...a-and my throat burns'. It's to be expected after the way the void#left their body. so he goes to grab them some water and meds and they also ask for food and a mirror. And after he returns they just stare#at themself in the mirror and pull on their bangs for a while then blurt out 'I have your eyes' when PK asks if everything's okay. And he#and he almost chokes up as he replies 'Yeah...Yeah you do'. Flower eventually spins a lie that they remember everything but its all distant#and blurry. Like they were not aware until now. They figured it'd be better to not break their hearts#And now the three have to figure out how to be a family while PK is also scrambling to find a new solution to the infection#oops i meant to only give a brief rundown in the tags which is why it was in the tags. but i got too invested KDHDKFB
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Everyone's on about Miguel beefing with a 15 yo, which sure it's funny, but y'all are letting the Spot, "I now declare this child that MY INVENTION inflicted this anomalous occurrence on, my lifelong nemesis", the ULTIMATE beef haver, to go unchecked.
#spireverse spoilers#across the spiderverse spoilers#you know at least miguel has the excuse that 15yo or not Miles's actions might cause TWO whole dimensions to collapse#assuming both pavitr's and miles' own dimension have a similar population to ours#thats SIXTEEN BILLION LIVES at stake babes#yah like no i'd also be going kooky crazy in his shoes#ofc his handling of Miles' situation wasn't good but that's not. precisely his job? Breaking the news shouldve fallen on Peter and Gwen#yanno. his actual friends? but they skirted around the subject too much so woops it falls on Miguel now#the most emotionally unsuited for this task guy possible. woopsies.#get ready for the most projection filled fight of your life kid cause it sure is cheaper quicker and easier than therapy!#I jest and the projection part is true but tbh i think too many people in the tags are interpreting Miguel being antagonistic to the rest-#as him having personal beef with children instead of him focusing (too much) on the bigger picture. like..isnt that his entire personality?#the 'fate of the multiverse' guy? cmon now.#the main issue is that miles Does Have To TRY- that's part of the canon event in the first place#trying and failing. if his plan of keeping him trapped until jeff died had worked then his dimension would most likely also collapse#if anything the way things are set up rn is sooo interesting because miles IS precisely on the way to fulfill a canon event#the question is - are they going to play into that- or is there going to be a twist. Gwen's realization that Her dad could in fact Quit -#comes to mind#i for one would find it really funny if the plot of the next movie is trying to convince jeff to quit his job but i doubt it jxnsn#my guess is that since this is basically the variation of the trolley problem where the singular person on the tracks is one you care about#(but said person is simultaneously also on the 5 person rail because if they don't die everyone does)#and miles has decided to just go and stop the fucking trolley itself fnsjsj#the plot's gonna go a bit more all out . /Beyond/ the previous scope- if you will#the only sticking point i have with this movie in general though is pavitr sticking with the group like.#“obviously he would've stuck with miles- he wouldn't want the guy to die!”so you think he prefers the version of events where everyone does#his friends? his aunt - whatever family he has- his girlfriend? EVERYONE?#yeah like nah until he can solidly know that shits gonna be fine in his home world i don't think it makes sense for him to fuck around more#yanno?#not that I dont want to see more of him- on the contrary I fuckin love his design to bits#just saying if miguel drops the bomb that his universe collapsed and my guy switches sides i would not be surprised
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Just finished SoJ.... man I miss when Ace Attorney was good.
#its just like... man. this case was almost extremely enjoyable. the case logic was good the mystery was satisfying#there was even the dhurke twist that swept the rug out from under me in quite an enjoyable way#i managed to figure out all the other twists heading into the final case but we'll be generous and call it good forshadowing#but i just feel like so many of these narrative beats feel hollow bc nahyuta is so thoroughly unlikable and his switch feels unearned to me#and then dont get me started on the crappy mocap. it undercuts several moments that should be dramatic or emotional#and man just imagine if we had known any of this about apollo before. how much less stapled on it would feel?#and then the whole theme they point to at the end about students and mentors could have been compelling... but imagine how much more#compelling it would have been if phoenix and apollo werent jockeying for screen time for the past three games and instead apollo actually#got to have something. but no...#but i have to say the thing that really left a sour taste in my mouth was the conversation between Phoenix and Thalassa at the end#if there was EVER a game where Trucy and Apollo's familial ties should have been revealed. it should have been this one.#this game has a whole case that deals again with the Gramarye legacy in a way that feels like its teeing this convo up#not to mention all the stuff about Apollo's family and history it dives into.#this SHOULD have been the game they told them.#but no. instead we get a vauge conversation at the end just to remind the player that no! the developers haven't forgotten!#they arent just ignoring the fact! they're shoving it in our faces and telling us to remember that they're ignoring it#it just left the game on a really poor note for me#especially because i would hope the the writing out of Apollo leaves space for Athena to shine#but if they want to resolve the siblings plot which they are very pointedly reminding us of.. that requires bringing Apollo back#and i would think warrants at least the length of a case to deal with the emotional repercussions#but whatever#man i hope dgs is as good as people say it is cause right now im just pissed at this game.#ace attorney critical#spirit of justice critical
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#screaming crying jumping off a fucking cliff#damn do i hate it here#lena won't ever forget you even if she tried#i'm so moved by this show omg#the alternating scenes between the eighty six enjoying the fireworks and them fighting in the battlefield#republicans it's on fucking sight how could you do this!!!#it's quite similar to snk's themes only more straight forward with its conflict (snk's had a later plot twist) but yes#oh my god i can't do this i started to think abt what kind of government would want a portion of their citizens wiped out just because#and then i realized that actually happens irl... the themes in this show are so realistic that i can't say anything without sounding#-like a hypocrite!#on 86#toff.txt
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thinking about how gilderoy was never really the protagonist of temple of the red giraffe. we’re led to believe he is, because that follows the formula (eg. indiana jones). but then he dies and we realise that really, tracy has been the hero all along. she was the catalyst of all the events of the film, and really it was her whose story we were following the whole time. it was never about gilderoy finding the temple and the gem. it was about tracy proving herself and finding what she enjoys doing. it’s actually pretty clever how they fake-protagonist us.
#this would have been even better#if gilderoy was tracy’s father#like it had been hinted at ALL MOVIE#because the brother twist didn’t make any sense age wise#i always got the impression that gilderoy was decently older than tracy#she quite literally says ‘he was like a father to me’#it was the very obvious twist#but ANYWAY that’s a different rant
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i wish i could concisely explain my sims world but i’ve been fleshing the same one out for almost 2 years. where do i even begin
#i’m 5 gens in and it would be more but i slowed down lifespans and made life stages longer with a mod#so now i can really focus on their little lives#and it’s all one huge family. they started from quiverful fundies and then a bunch of the kids managed to escape and now the whole world is#populated by the descendants of this one insane couple#i use random townies to expand the family bc i like all the family trees criss crossing#but i think a lot of the line will die with this generation. not everyone is having kids#and i’m making unrelated sims for new townies so i can have more genetic diversity#my game used to be ONLY about this family but i’m done working#through that stuff in therapy so now it’s more varied#for example one sim. lil. she was banned from her family for killing her brother in self defense. but TWIST he was the serial killer who had#been terrorizing the world for months. BUT she killed hin in front of their nephew so everyone was mad at Her and not really him bc he was#already dead#(oh btw they’re all vampires)#so she decided to leave the area and start over completely#and cured herself of vampirism and then got herself bit by a werewolf#she keeps in contact with quite. a few of her cousins but her parents and aunts and uncles not so much#her grandparents are all dead and they were the OG crazies bc she’s only third gen#but like her dad is literally dying of a fatal disease and he hasn’t even told her. she’s just being invited to the mourning party#my bestie and gf love hearing about it it’s like a soap opera
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actually quite interesting to reread the notes for my unwritten fantasy heist book from middle school that i came up with in a a pre-six of crows era. i feel like it’s an fun little time capsule look into the ideas i had about that genre prior to that book deeply influencing my brain and therefore actually has a lot more originally than i expected
#for example the teen criminal prodigy mastermind is an extremely chatty extrovert#and i somewhat doubt i would have written him like that if i had known who kaz brekker was#also none of the main characters have magic! probably bc it's a generic spellcasting world but i am quite curious about why did that#and there's a very fun plot twist about the guy they were hired to rob that i'm actually pretty pleased with#anyway. lots of stuff to retool or elaborate on but i definitely do want to write it someday#the characters and premise are pretty fun and that's really what matters#pie says stuff#my writing#thief story
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I was quite the hater in high school. There was this girl I absolutely could not stand because she was annoying as fuck and I was like 14/15 at the time, so we were in our 1D era, eventhough they'd broken up recently, anyways, this girl said that her fav 1D song is "Night Changes" and I got so enraged I told her all true fans of 1D loved "Story of my life" and that was their fav song and not "Night Changes"
#Jae's convos#Like bffr midteen me#What was that#And it wasn't even that I liked 1D. I liked some songs#I did not give a shit about boybands. I did not even listen to music regularly#I had heard 5 songs from those bitches. nothing more#Though I was quite the activist even then#The boy used to call them gay and a lot of the girls would backtrack from saying they liked 1D but not me#I'd just be like '???so what. why does that matter?!?'#Because bitch who cares#I don't care if a musician sucks dick.the music needs to slap#Anyways that girl moved to the same country as me and I am just like what#Plot twist I guess#Anyways I need to sleep. goodnight my fuckers
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If I see one more post like this I’ll start fighting people.
Context matters. Context changes everything. I don’t have any special interest in Henry Ford or in the progression of capitalism (or the work week or anything related) in the US, but things like these are so simple to learn just the bare minimum. Open up a history book and use your brain once in a while, I’m sure it would appreciate the exercise.
Working conditions were shit for the majority of people up to this point, in particular for blue collar and middle class workers. He adopted the five day work week which was a more humane workweek and made major steps in ensuring people were actually paid adequately for their time and craft. He also basically pioneered a functioning assembly line that cut down a HUGE amount of workplace related injuries or deaths. People rushed to work for him. That’s why the automotive industry boomed during this period as he expanded to accommodate more workers and, in turn, more demand for his cars.
He also wanted to ensure that everyone working for him would be able to afford the product they built.
For a LOT of people this was the first time ever that an employer was paying fairly and offering livable working conditions. Which also meant that a lot of those men took pride in what they were creating.
Which in turn fed into why the US is such an automobile-centered country. It is part of our culture, not just capitalist-driven greed.
#of course good luck finding a history book that hasn’t literally been rewritten#the way these new ones are twisted to serve whatever current message is being pushed is quite literally propaganda and brainwashing 101#facts are easy to manipulate and critical thinking is being taught as a farce#Goebbels would have had a field day in this era and we just keep proving our willingness to be hand-fed information at every turn#even in small “unimportant” things like this#Henry Ford fits the idea of the type of person we should hate now so naturally we will. no questions asked#life and history are so rarely black and white and forcing it to be is doing untold damage to our society and our culture#history#politics#idk
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Shadows of Fear: Did You Lock Up? (1.1, Thames, 1970)
"And they didn't make much mess?"
"No, not really. They forced that door. Smashed the cabinet, slashed a sofa. And kicked a hole in the bedroom door."
"Ah. Big mistake."
"What is?"
"Never lock inside doors. Anything you can to keep them out - but when they're in, let 'em get on with it."
"I'll remember."
#shadows of fear#single play#roger marshall#1970#classic tv#thames#kim mills#michael craig#gwen watford#ray smith#mark mcmanus#malcolm kaye#charles leno#having come to something of a premature pause in my New Scotland Yard watch (the first ep of series 3 isn't on the YT playlist I've been#using and is proving quite tricky to get ahold of) i thought I'd revisit this brief lived anthology series for the creepy season. i first#watched this about 10 years ago and my memories of it are scant to say the least‚ so it seemed like good viewing for the season#the production history of SoF is lost in the mists of time (unless someone out there wishes to enlighten me?); this first episode was shown#in June of 1970‚ but the rest didn't follow until January of the following year; probably this acted as a sort of pilot to gauge viewer#reactions to another vaguely horrorish anthology series (the previous decade had been ripe with them‚ tho we rarely see their like today)#and then there's the odd case of the final ep‚ shown almost 2 years after the series ended and running to half the length (and generally#feeling like an entirely different format) but I'll come to that when (and if) i get to the episode itself. this debut ep is... well it's#fine. i was excited to see Marshall's name in the opening credits‚ one of the most dependable of old tv writers and I'd quite forgotten he#contributed to this show. but the issue here is simply one of length. the plot is solid‚ a suitably grotty little tale of a family man's#mounting obsession with the burglars who broke into his home. it would make a good ep of Tales of Unease (shortly to begin on Thames'#sister broadcaster LWT) or a few years later as an episode of Tales of the Unexpected; both being 25 minute shows. but this clocks in at#close to 50 mins and there isn't really enough to it to sustain that longer running time‚ leaving it feeling a little stretched thin and#flimsy. a shame‚ because Craig and Watford are putting in excellent performances as the middle class couple whose reactions to the burglary#slowly shift as time passes (he goes from prosaic acceptance to fixated malice‚ she from shocked indignation to making peace with it all)#no big surprises in where the play is headed or how it plays out‚ but that's often the case with these things; it's often just as much#about the horrible foreknowledge of what must come than some shocking twist‚ and this plays it about right. it's just too long is all.
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i did wrestling in middle school. on one hand, i was actually quite good at it, which was nice. being good at any sport was a new achievement for me. on the other hand, i was bi, and i was trying very hard not to notice that i was bi, and getting folded into knots by very kind, very muscular dorks made that task somewhat difficult.
adding fire to the problem was that my parents and my grandparents wanted to watch my matches, because they were very proud that their Gangly Nerd Son was actually Sporting, and they wanted to cheer me on. which would've been sweet and all, but if there are four people you do not want there during a key part of your Burgeoning Sexual Awakening, it is your mom and your dad and your grandma and your grandpa.
right? i mean, imagine some guy's got your head in his armpit, and you're going you know, old sweat smells bad, but fresh sweat has a sort of and then you make eye contact with your grandpa in the stands and you remember you're swearing spandex so if you pop a boner people aren't just going to be able to see the outline, they're going to be able to count the veins, and the only way you will be able to restore your family's honor after that would be by moving to siberia and renouncing joy, forever. that, or lift your entire body up by your kneck then twist 180 degrees without paralyzing yourself.
it’s a lot of pressure, is what i’m saying.
still it did motivate me to win my matches really fast. because i was so tall and skinny, i was stupidly good at the double leg takedown, and then once someone was knocked down, i'd just do the half nelson and kind of flip em over for the pin. then the ref would count to three and i’d win. EZPZ.
i had one match where that went great. won in the first ten seconds, sat back down, and prepared myself for a good hour or two of doing fuck all. didn't even feel bad the parents/grandparents were gonna be bored. the matches went up from me in 5 pound increments (i was in the 115 lbs division) and it was going great until we got to the 145 lbs division. the other school's wrestler stepped onto the mat, and she turned out to be a girl so our guy flipped, because for straight guys, wrestling a girl is not a pleasant experience.
i'm not entirely unsympathetic. my experience wrestling dudes was definitely a little traumatic. but also, i dealt. guy could've dealt too. instead, he refused to wrestle, and the coach went - fine. not even worth fighting over.
so he went to the 140 pounder, and that guy said, nosir, my mom said mormons can't wrestle girls. next guy down, 135 pounder, now he knew he could pull the same card and thus did. 130 pounder, 125, both tapped out. he got to the 120 guy, and that guy was catholic, but he said he was considering being mormon, and thus would have to pass. as a precaution.
coach blew up a little at that. he said "is there anyone - anyone - on this entire goddamn team that is willing to wrestle a girl?" and then he pointed at me and said "YOU. MAT. GO."
and i'll be real, if i'd been paying more attention, i'd have pulled the mormon card too, but i'd just been putting all that audio into a buffer file because i was reading, so i was halfway across the mat before i even processed what had been said and by then it was too late to turn back.
still i had a plan. and my plan - my beautiful, perfect plan - was to do what i'd always done. tackle, flip, pin, win. sit down. read. bore my family to death. move on.
i got the first part right. she was bigger than me, but she wasn't taller. just an incredibly stout woman. god built me like a snake with glasses, just as he built her like a combat cube. the problem was the half nelson. soon as she was down, i tried hooking my arm under hers from behind and for both genders, the defense for this move is just clamping your arms really fucking tight against your sides. if you're a guy, that's whatever, but if you're a girl - especially if you're god's chosen combat cube - that pins your opponents hand right against your boob.
so, i got the hook in, she clamped, my whole arm pressed against something soft, my coach was yelling THE HALF NELSON. BABYLON! JUST FINISH IT! FINISH THE HALF NELSON! and i was just trying to press hard enough to finish, when then my brain went
...oh.
and i flipped out. of course i flipped out. i like girls, and touching a boob is an elemental experience, and i was not ready. i was not prepared. i had not committed the sacred rites. i recoiled like i'd just brushed my arm against the surface of the sun, stood up, and backed away. nobody in the room knew why i'd given up. all they saw was me, right about to win, suddenly flailing around and scrambling. so everyone started screaming at me to just get the half nelson again, and i couldn't really yell back there's a fuckin' boob in the way and it was very distressing, and the only way i could think of to make them stop was just doing it over again the right way.
so i did.
i hunkered down and prepared myself for Wrasslin' Attempt #2: The Sequel.
i knocked her down again, EZPZ. i went for the half nelson again, but she knew what i was about to do so she super clamped, and i knew she was gonna super clamp, so i wound my arm back like a pop-eye cartoon punch before swinging my arm through the gap between her bicep and her side, but the amount of time i spent winding back super signalled what i was about to to do, which gave her time to clamp even harder, which somehow redirected the entire force of the popeye punch to the bottom of her bra.
it spat out a single boob the same way an action hero might spit out one single tooth after getting a solid crack across the jaw. as if to say:
*ptooie.* "that all you got?"
i did not actually see this. my experience was that first there was an arm, then there was a bit of boob, but i was braced, i was ready, forward at all costs, tatakae motherfuckers, and then the boob went away, and i didn't know where it went but my team, and the audience, and everyone who was in front of me, they all gasped like i just kicked them in the stomach. except for my coach. he was behind me, and thus one of the four people in the room who did not see the boob. now my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my grandpa, they all got flashed but nooooooo, coach thunderbutt was behind me, and he didn't see shit so he was still yelling NOOOOOO BABYLON WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST FINISH THE NELSON! GO FOR THE KILL! BABYLON! BABYLON!
but i did not go for the kill. i stood up and she stuffed her boob back real fast, and we just kind of circled each other awkwardly until time ran out and i won on points. that's not technically allowed, but the ref had some mercy on me.
my coach did not.
i barely had time to sit down before he strode over to the bench to chew me out.
"babylon," he said, in that very calm way people get when they're too pissed to yell. "why didn't you pin?"
and i didn't know how to say well coach, i tried, but there was a boob, and it kept getting in the way, and my mom was watching, and so was my dad, and so was his dad, and his mom, and god (like bible god) and that's a can of worms because i'm pretty sure he was already mad at me, and i'm wearing spandex, and i think i might have to move to siberia, so instead i said
"i uh. i forgot how to do the half nelson."
which is actually impossible. forgetting how to do the half nelson is like forgetting how to swallow your spit.
and he looked at me, like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked through him like i'd just survived my 250th day in a trench at verdun, and he said: fine.
fine.
but we're all going to practice it for an hour tomorrow because you forgot.
and then he left.
and my buddies had the gall to be salty about it. i got so many comments saying "dude, why didn't you just tell him the truth?" and i said "you can if you care so damn much. you could've wrestled the girl too. maybe someone else should do the hard thing today."
but they didn't. so the next day, we did an hour of half nelson drills, and i spent a decent amount of time getting thrown around the mat, and it was pleasant in exactly the way that i hated and the year after that, to the surprise of everyone but myself, i quit wrestling and joined the trivia team.
and if you want more reasons to love my mom, my grandpa joked after the match that i might have to talk to my bishop about it, and my mom told him he would be allowed to make jokes after he stood in front of a crowd of 110 people in spandex underpants while wrestling a woman that was not his wife.
he paused for almost five seconds after that. then he said: aw. hell. sorry babylon.
and i'd have preferred my apology from god, but getting it from him was pretty good too.
#whew boy this make me anxious just typing it#wrestling#middle school#the dread#i feel like i have to write some stories about my grandpa not being a dick#because he was actually an amazing grandpa#he just had a few goofs are very comedic moments#and you know if you're gonna have a goof making it comedic is a virtue in itself#he was there for me more than a lot of my classmates dads were#and i dont want that undervalued#yeah#babylon-lore
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