#it wasn't supposed to get this dark | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

saturdays--sun · 1 year ago

Text

no word tender enough (to be your name)

↳ ship: dancing in the dark (inigo) ↳ content: ~3.5k words. very minor spoilers for awakening and fates if you squint. two references to gaius. set sometime during fates, but the specific route is irrelevant. intentionally lowercase. i read the inigo/owain A support in fates and became irreversibly unwell, so i wrote this (and became even more unwell)

"it's dangerous to be out here on your own, you know."

blinking at the sound — at the sudden, familiar voice that reached her ears in the otherwise quiet darkness — koda pulled her gaze from its spot on the distant horizon, her head turning just enough to look over her shoulder. a smile — soft and gentle; the kind that almost made her heart skip a beat — was pointed down at her, its owner stepping easily around the spot she had found in the grass to take a seat beside her.

"...maybe." she wouldn't have been out here, at the furthest edge of the army's camp, if she had truly worried about being attacked — but she was sure he knew that. a tiny breath — somewhere between a short huff and a half scoff — escaped the back of her throat, her eyebrows furrowing slightly as she looked at the figure next to her. "...is this going to segue into some line about how you can be my knight in shining armor or something?"

inigo let out a soft laugh, the sound sending an uncomfortable pang through her chest. "i hadn't planned on it." hints of sheepishness slipped into his features; the smile he wore turned the slightest bit apprehensive. "i can't imagine you'd like me implying you need to be protected."

protected.

the word echoed off the walls of her skull; shook loose a memory she had locked away — buried in the depths of her heart where it couldn't reach her; where it couldn't haunt her. now, it filled her mind against her will — a dark alley; undead monsters trapping her against cold brick; the realization that she was going to die; a flash of steel in the dim moonlight; a lollipop being nudged into her still-shaking hands.

"you okay?"

a voice — his voice.

koda forced the memory away before it could take root too deeply.

before it could conjure his face behind her eyelids next.

unconsciously, as if by habit, koda's knees pulled themselves up to her chest, her arms wrapping around her legs and her chin leaning down to rest on them. "...i wouldn't mind." the words came out mumbled; muffled by the way her mouth was pressing into the fabric of her sleeve. "...being protected, i mean."

"oh? well, then, in that case—"

in an instant, green eyes shot sideways in a glare, the look in them silencing whatever asinine line he had started to say before her voice even had a chance to cut it off. "don't start with me, laslow."

whatever reaction she had been expecting — some flippant, unbothered laugh; some line about how you didn't even let me finish, buttercup; some compliment she always tried to take with a grain of salt; something normal — never came. instead, inigo's face fell, previously content features shifting in a way that was just short of a grimace — like she had said something particularly hurtful to him; like it had struck him so deeply that his expression faltered before he could mask the emotions hidden beneath it.

...huh?

an uncharacteristic stab of guilt shot through koda's heart and down into the pit of her stomach; filled her body with a nauseating anxiety that she had somehow upset him; that her usual response — the one she had long since thought he was used to — had hit some nerve she hadn't intended to hit. "...hey, what's wrong?" the bite that had been in her voice had vanished, leaving behind only hesitation and soft undertones of concern. slowly, her arms uncoiled from around her legs, spine straightening itself back out and her hands pressing softly into the grass beneath her. "i'm... sorry, i didn't mean to make you upset or—"

"huh?" as if her voice had brought him back to reality, inigo blinked at her — once, then twice, something almost like confusion flickering through his eyes — before giving her another smile and a gentle, dismissive wave of his hand. "oh, it's fine, darling. you didn't upset me."

she would have believed him had his smile reached his eyes.

you're lying.

koda's eyes narrowed slightly as the thought — the realization — flashed through her mind, her eyebrows furrowing together in a sickening mixture of frustration and worry. teeth bit gently at her lip; and when they let go, her mouth opened only to close again as inigo looked away from her — down into the small space between them; down to where his hand had fallen, just inches away from her own. the fragile mask he had put on had fallen again — faded just as quickly as it had come; slipped into a strange in-between melancholy that didn't suit him.

"it just surprised me, is all." his voice sounded distant when he spoke again — as if his thoughts were somewhere else; somewhere far beyond her and the small patch of grass they were sitting on — and when he lifted his head back up to meet her eyes once more, the smile he wore was less convincing than the last. "i'm not used to hearing you call me by that name."

"really?" the question came out before koda had a chance to think about it, her features softening into an expression laced with subtle hints of confusion. even if she hadn't called him it directly before — and she was sure she had; at the very least, she'd referred to him by it in conversation — he had been in this world — gone by that name — far longer than she had. surely the strangeness had worn off by now, right?

and yet, when inigo laughed — breathy and light; little more than an airy chuckle — it came out sheepish, his eyebrows pulling together and raising up, disappearing partly beneath his bangs. "it's not strange for you?" her question was met with a question; an answer, and not one at all. "being called by a name that's not your own?"

koda's head tilted slightly, a momentary pause following his voice before she gave a small shrug and turned her gaze back to the treeline she had been staring at before. "...not really." maybe at first, there had been a period of time where the alias she had adopted sounded foreign to her, but there had been no deeper meaning behind it than it simply being different — all things considered, a new name was one of the easier things she'd had to adjust to. "i don't really care."

"not at all?"

"nah." from the darkened trees in the distance, her eyes shifted up — to the night sky; to the thousands of stars that littered it; to the moon that shone steadily down on them. "it's just a name, y'know? regardless of what someone calls me, it doesn't change anything about me."

the word lioncub floated up from some distant corner of her mind.

she buried it alongside the memory from before.

in an effort to keep them both at bay — to keep them from allowing more memories she wasn't prepared to face overtake her thoughts; to plunge her heart into depths she had just barely managed to pull it out of before — koda glanced sideways again, her eyes landing on the side of inigo's face while his were fixed downward. hints of concern floated around her irises again; that same concern slipped into her voice when her mouth opened again.

"...why? does it bother you?"

from where she sat, partially leaned over to get whatever glimpse of his face that she could, she watched his eyes blink again — like he'd been startled by the sound of her voice; like he had gotten lost in his thoughts again. another uncomfortable laugh left his lips — and when he lifted his head up, his gaze avoided hers; darted back and forth between her and some other spot in the distance. "no, it doesn't." another wave of his hand; instead of going back to the ground, it wound up in his hair, fingers toying with the strands that hung in front of his face. "i just wanted to make sure i wasn't calling you something you didn't like. i'd hate to upset you, buttercup."

the smile he offered her never reached his eyes.

when she noticed it this time, something in the back of koda's mind clicked into place.

ah. that's what it is.

"...you're still a terrible liar, inigo."

all at once, his expression shifted — the distant melancholy that had once lined his features suddenly gave way to stunned surprise, brown eyes growing wide and his mouth falling open as he stared at her. in the darkness, she just barely caught the way his shoulders grew rigid; the way the fingers in his hair stopped abruptly and the hand on the ground next to hers tensed against the grass.

the change was so immediate — so violent — she almost laughed at it; in a different circumstance, she probably would have.

"w-what did you just...?"

but in this one, all she did was smile.

"you wanted to hear your real name again, didn't you, inigo?"

saying it again — saying his name — made the surprise on his face melt into embarrassment; painted his cheeks a shade of red so dark it was visible even in the dim lighting of the moon. his eyelids fluttered rapidly; and before his gaze darted quickly away from hers, koda caught a glimpse of the overwhelmingly flustered look that had flooded the color of his eyes.

...cute.

"i-i—" as if his tongue had tied itself in knots, inigo's voice came out in a stutter; little more than sounds attempting to become words in his mouth. "how..." he looked at her again, but only for a moment — the moment their eyes met, his pointed themselves elsewhere. "how did you...?"

koda let out a soft breath — a huff of air that was meant to sound amused but came out sounding far more endeared instead. "like i said, you're a shitty liar." the small smile playing on her lips grew — just a fraction; just enough that she could feel it — the amusement she felt finally flickering through her irises. "plus, we've known each other forever at this point. you're not that hard for me to read."

the soft sigh inigo let out ended in a faint chuckle, his fingers running fully through his bangs before dropping back down onto the grass. "you always did have a talent for that," he breathed out, his voice soft, as if he were talking more to himself than to her; as if he were reliving some distant memory. his eyes finally drifted over to hers again — and this time, they lingered on her face despite the embarrassment still shining in them. another sheepish breath escaped him; a shy smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. "sometimes i feel like you can see right through me, buttercup."

would it be so bad if i could?

koda's mouth opened, but the question never made it much further than the forefront of her mind — some invisible force held her tongue in place; kept her from voicing something almost serious; something that would push them closer to a line they were already dangerously toeing; closer to a line she wasn't sure she was brave enough to cross.

closer to a line that would force her to admit that she—

her heart thumped roughly against her chest.

—didn't want to think about that right now.

before she had a chance to get out of her own head — before her silence became too apparent and she was forced to think of something to say back — inigo continued, his gaze leaving hers to drift down to his lap. "...you're right, though." his free hand — the one that wasn't still firmly planted on the ground beside her own — toyed aimlessly with a blade of grass. "i... was starting to miss hearing it."

he paused.

in the soft lighting, koda saw the tips of his ears turn pink.

"...especially from you."

this time, her heart stopped entirely.

an uncomfortable wave of heat crept rapidly up the back of koda's neck until it reached her face, pooling so heavily in her cheeks that she wouldn't have been surprised to find that her head had suddenly caught fire. green eyes grew wide; stared at the side of his head until they suddenly couldn't stand to look at him anymore — until they blinked rapidly and darted off somewhere else; somewhere that wasn't him; somewhere that wasn't his face or the way the pink on his ears had spread to his cheeks or the curve of his lips...

her stomach lurched so roughly it very nearly made her sick.

"...you mean that?"

her voice was soft when it slipped out of her — quiet; hardly above a whisper.

"i do."

his was even softer when he replied — as if he didn't want her to hear it; as if he were afraid she might.

the silence that followed his words was heavier than before — and when koda swallowed against the way her heart had taken to wedging itself in the back of her throat, her tongue felt thick. teeth bit softly at the inside of her cheek; her lips parted slightly and then closed once more, words lingering just inside her mouth — words she wanted to say and words she wanted to bite back; words and sentiments and feelings that were steadily tearing her heart in two, the incessant pulling causing a dull ache to form in her chest.

if she hadn't suddenly become rooted to the spot she was sitting in, she might have run away from it.

slowly — hesitantly; as if she were suddenly too scared, too nervous, to look at him anymore — koda pulled her eyes off of whatever nondescript spot on the darkened horizon they had landed, letting them flicker sideways before dropping down to her legs. the breath she sucked in was shallow; little more than a futile attempt to ease her now-unsteady heartbeat.

"...i'll call you it if you want." the words spilled off her tongue before she had a chance to think about them; and as they filled the space between them, she felt inigo's gaze drift back over to her; felt her skin prickle and grow warm under the weight of it. as much as she could manage, she turned her head back to him, her heart fluttering in her chest when their eyes met. "your real name, i mean."

i was starting to miss calling you it, too.

despite the shade of pink that still lingered on his skin, a faint smile formed on his lips, his expression softening down so much koda could almost mistake it as loving. "i'd like that." the hand pressed into the ground next to her twitched; his fingertips just barely touched hers. a soft laugh left his lips — lighter than before; more shy than before. "...but only if you let me call you yours, too."

if it could, her heart would have beat straight out of her chest.

koda's eyes flickered away again — back and forth; between his face and the distant darkness, a flustered feeling slowly engulfing her heart and filling the inside of her chest. "i..." her words stalled in her mouth; caught against her teeth before trying desperately to crawl back down her throat. like a weight, the sentiment she wanted to admit — that she had begun to miss hearing her real name, too; that she'd begun to miss hearing it in his voice — sat heavily on her tongue; made it feel like lead as she forced it to keep moving.

"i'd... like that, too." barely more than a murmur, her voice filled the space between them; and as it trailed off in a small breeze that rustled the distant trees, her gaze shyly made its way back to his. "...you... calling me that, i mean."

i miss hearing it from you, too.

the thought slipping through whatever remained of her brain's filter sent another flustered swirl to her heart and a swarm of butterflies to the pit of her stomach. suddenly unable to look at him again, koda huffed sharply and snapped her head to the side, forcing out a fumbled sentence to blanket the sincerity — the softness; the longing — of her previous one.

"b-but only when we're alone. it'd be a pain to deal with if someone overheard us."

the soft chuckle that hit her ears did little to quell the uncomfortable tension that had settled into her nerves — but it did make her heart jump. "i know." softer still, his voice dropped; and when the tone pulled koda's eyes back to him in spite of herself, that same softness was reflected in the features of his face. when her gaze met his in the darkness, the corners of inigo's mouth turned upward in a small smile and his head tilted slightly. "it'll be our little secret."

our little secret.

over and over, her brain repeated the words — over and over, until they'd all but been etched onto the inside of her skull; until her heart had skipped far more beats than she could count; until her chest had grown so warm she feared she was glowing.

until she had convinced herself that it meant as much to him as it did to her.

"...yeah," she breathed out, her cheeks growing warm and her knees habitually pulling themselves back up to her chest. wrapping her arms around them, she buried her nose into her sleeves, eyes drifting down to the toes of her shoes as a faint smile pulled at her lips. "...our little secret."

she liked the sound of it.

the silence that fell over them again was lighter this time — the heaviness that had once permeated it was replaced with something far easier to bear; something far less suffocating. a weight koda hadn't realized she'd been burdening slid off her shoulders; and as that weight faded into the night, swept away by the gentle breeze that blew between them and rustled her hair, another weight settled itself into her eyelids.

"are you getting tired?"

blinking her eyes back open — when had they fallen shut? — koda looked sideways at inigo again, eyebrows momentarily furrowing when their gazes met.

maybe she wasn't so hard for him to read, either.

the first response she gave was a hum; the second was a proper answer, the tiredness she would normally mask slipping easily into her voice. "...a little." stifling a yawn, she slowly lifted her head up from the comfortable spot it had found against her arms, half-lidded irises flickering from the dark horizon to the pair of eyes lingering on the side of her face. "...it's getting pretty late."

a look of affection flickered through inigo's face — flashed in the brown of his eyes before dissipating into something more muted. "it is," he agreed, using the hand still rooted to the space between them to push himself up straight; as he looked at her, he let out an airy chuckle. "we should head back before we're falling asleep tomorrow."

before she could respond, he had risen to his feet, one of his hands holding itself out to her.

a moment passed before the meaning behind the gesture clicked itself into place within the sleepy confines of koda's head, her eyes moving from his hand to his face and back again. in any normal situation, she would brush off the offer — tell him that she didn't need his act of chivalry; that it was better saved for some village girl that would actually fall for his charms; that they wouldn't work on her.

but in this situation, where the walls around her heart had been momentarily knocked down by the smile he was giving her, she let them.

and let her hand carefully find its way into his.

inigo pulled her up to her feet, his hand lingering on hers a moment longer than necessary — just long enough to let the warmth of his palm seep through the leather of his glove and onto her skin; just long enough for her to get used to the way their hands fit together and how his fingers felt as they wrapped around hers.

just long enough for her to wish he wouldn't let go.

but inevitably, he did; and when he did, koda awkwardly glanced away from him, her arm dropping back down to her side. "...yeah," she said after a lapse of silence, only distantly realizing that her response had come unnaturally delayed. another beat of silence; inside her chest, that same swirl of emotion had begun to engulf her heart again — in an effort to mitigate it, she turned her body from him, pointing herself in the direction of the quiet army camp.

"...i'll see you tomorrow, then."

one of her feet moved, but she never took a step — a hand wrapping gently around her wrist stopped her before she ever could.

"wait. koda."

the sound of her name — the sound of his voice saying her name — made her heart jump; made the back of her neck grow warm as she shyly turned back toward him.

he was smiling again.

this time, it reached his eyes.

"thank you."

and when she smiled back, hers did, too.

"you're welcome, inigo."

#[crawls out of the woodwork and drops this massive fic in your lap literally out of nowhere]#this wasn't supposed to get as long as it did but you know me 🤪#anyway i'm still SO unwell over that support line and also this trope so here's us pining so bad <3 #[lays face down and sobs into the dirt] I LOVE HIMMMMM #💜 dancing in the dark #♡ — ok to rb #♡ — writing

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