#and like that love he felt for tav/durge made him feel too vulnerable so he has to make them feel so small

[bhaalsdeepbat]

Astarion refers to the other spawn he intends to create as his children and I personally HC it more like his consort spawn eventually plays the role of brood mother to whoever the favored "children" are for eternity. like they recreate a fucked up family unit. romanced player and the children have to compete for scraps while he spoils whoever his romance partner is. and the cruelty of it is that Astarion's consort has all the gifts to be in the sun, but Astarion now wants an eternal night for all of the children he intends to make (and force to live in the shadows).

[brain-rot-central]

In Sonnet AA is just a more powerful Astarion or the ascension changed him drastically in some way?What do you make of Mephistophele's deal (or any deal with a devil in general)?

So... My interpretation of Astarion is that UA and AA both exist within him from the start.

Throughout the game we see the two sides of him warring for dominance. And tbh, he's kind of an asshole from the get. Like, he isn't a nice person. He's a jerk, but he learns compassion as the game goes on because someone (Tav/Durge) finally extended a hand to him. Someone finally sees him. It's the theory of "love breeds kindness" being displayed.

The ascension route his him choosing himself despite this, strictly out of fear of another being having control over him again and it exacerbates all of his worst qualities since he's delving deeper into his paranoia. He's walling himself off, basically. Regressing, which happens a lot with abuse victims.

And as much as he tries telling himself that the ascension "killed the weaker version of himself," all it really did is shove that part of him down beneath six feet of dirt. He never made peace with it so much as he views it as an embarrassment and a source of shame. But when it comes to Tav, that part of him screams the loudest. And he hates it, because it reminds him of how weak and vulnerable he felt.

Basically reminds him that the concept of love makes him uncomfortable because to love someone is to be vulnerable. You'll do and withstand things you normally wouldn't with other people. Love is an opportunity for you to be softer and to have someone hold you. That scares the shit out of him, because he's no longer totally in control. You essentially become a willing participant for the other person, and you hope that they'll continue to extend the same courtesy to you.

I also don't agree with the notion that just because he's ascended, he now suddenly knows everything. Nothing about the ascension changes what has already happened to him, or his experiences. He may put on an air as if it has, and the whole point of it is to distract you from the realization that he still doesn't know shit about being an ascended/true vampire (his first humanoid blood was the PC and that was literally like... one/two months ago).

The man has zero idea how to turn someone and it's probably a nerve-racking experience for him, which is why he becomes so personally offended if you refuse his offer to become his consort. Because in a way, it's him being vulnerable with you. He has no idea what he's doing but he's willing to try if it means you both get to spend eternity together. He's essentially proposing to you in the only way he knows how. He also doesn't know SHIT about any of his powers/abilities yet.

He's a little fledging vampire who's been given the keys to the Lamborghini, essentially. But heaven forbid anyone else see that.

I don't think he lost his soul in the deal. I think moreso he's riding an insane high of 1) finally being free of Cazador's influence and 2) no longer having the insatiable hunger that plagued him for 200 years. For the first time in two centuries his mind is completely clear and his own again.

But I do believe there are some trade-offs to the ascension. Like for instance, uncovering a werebat form if he's too emotionally charged/cannot control himself. I also hc that he eventually starts hearing the voices of those sacrificed during the ritual, especially if he delves too deeply into a dark path.

TL;DR: the UA/AA versions of Astarion exist from the beginning and I still think they exist post-ascension. Just with the ascension, he's letting the worst qualities of himself win. I don't see that as a permanent thing.

The deal with Mepho changes nothing about him on a personal level; he doesn't lose his soul in the deal but there are some consequences of the deal -- becoming grotesque and/or hearing voices of those sacrificed in the ritual. He feels good and it just reinforces the arrogant behavior he displayed early on, as it's a point of regression for his overall development.

[churchhorse]

( durge x tav )

Durge (my personal durge Selakiir) and Tav(bf’s character Oliver) share a night, and Selakiir fights himself desperately.

His hands held onto me as though they were made of rusted steel; not with much grace, but with roughness, with, desperation and with no intent of letting go. His skin tasted like salt and tobacco - his blood like vinegar and wine. He embraced me, despite my wretchedness and my fractured mind. He didn’t fully understand me, nor my goals, but we embraced one another regardless. He, too, had a certain wretchedness - if I whistled, he lunged, like a wealthy man’s hound. In his chest, a violence smoldered. It was my calling to ignite it.

I never submitted. My mind was my own - no one else would, or could, ever control me. And yet, something inside gnawed at me - something wanted to relinquish my control, my power. He didn’t mind taking the reins, for a little while. I just barely trusted him enough to allow him to.

And so in bounds, I was lost to him. We fell apart in each other’s hands, a mess of rope and red-hot flesh. My fingers dug so deeply into his skin that his blood dripped. He returned the favor with a kiss that surely left a bruise.

It wasn’t often I felt any semblance of peace. But in his embrace, tucked into the safety of my newly reclaimed quarters, I couldn’t help but give a shaky sigh. I was alive - so alive. My temple, my throne, my birthright - all reclaimed. I would never let myself fall in love. But… I couldn’t help but admit that it was a thrill to feel the gentle tug of it regardless.

Bhaal, my father. My urge. My wretchedness. They had gotten me this far. As I flirted with sleep, he was fast unconscious next to me - his body, and mine alike, both thoroughly exerted. But as my eyelids fluttered closed, I recognized the feeling that yanked on my chains. The sickness, the hunger. I had never once before fought it - I was a grateful son, after all, and why would I reject my father’s gift? I turned to him, eyes bloodshot and wide. He lay there, vulnerable - this was the only chance I’d ever have. And how thrilling it would be. My most trusted associate - one of the strongest men I’d ever witnessed. Felled without even donning his underwear. I could feel my control slipping, the hints of a smirk creeping onto my face-

No, I thought with a sudden, unfamiliar intensity. Not him.

I would gut a child and send her home for supper. I would make a wife a widow, and come back to equal the equation. Never before had I stopped myself - but I wasn’t going to allow myself. Not this time. Not him. Never him.

I didn’t like the implications of my weakness. But I would not allow my urges to control me. He was too important. I didn’t know the meaning of love or companionship, and I was dangerously close to finding out. But never him.

Wretched thing. Pull yourself together.