#it was… certainly something /neg
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So I’ve seen fics suddenly turn smutty despite being rated T or even G, or fluffy fics throw in angst without necessarily tagging, but uh… I’ve gotta say the sudden appearance of the holocaust is new
#it was… certainly something /neg#I’m sorry but if you’re gonna throw something THAT massively heavy and sensitive in then at LEAST get the details right#good omens#fic#biceratops#non Jewish persecuted groups weren’t forced to wear identifying badges outside of the camps#like- what?
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What are your thoughts on s4? Personally I was actually kind of disappointed, a lot of the characters felt... off?? Not like themselves. Snufkin really didn't appear much and the Comet Episode was confusing and wasn't really all that Book-Accurate... And Snufkin got the 90s Movie treatment :(
Like there were definitely scenes and a few episodes I liked, but overall I feel weird about the season. And I'm curious what your thoughts are.
I will say that overall, I was disappointed.
To be fair to the series though, it arguably largely stems from my personal expectations and hopes? The two biggest disappointments for me were Joxter and Snufkin not meeting, and snufmin's relationship.
The Joxter stuff on the whole I adored, and really could never have dreamed of happening. Just seeing him - or any of the Oshun Oxtra crew, really! - interacting with the characters in "modern day" is great. And then he reunited with Mymble and it was so exciting, and then Little My started wondering about him and Snufkin, and then-! ...They didn't meet. Honestly baffles me why they'd give us so much fanservice but not include probably the main thing most fans would want to see with Joxter. Also interesting that they're afraid to even touch Snufkin's issues with family but they KEEP bringing up Little My's.
The snufmin thing surprised me because my expectations were LOW; during the wait I kept telling people not to get their hopes up, that snufmin would never be explicitly "canon", etc. And I still say they would never do anything explicit with them, however, I was expecting at least for the relationship to be on the same level as it was in season 3, but it seemed to take a step down unfortunately. I wanted more romantic subtext, more hints that something was up between them, and for about the first 4 episodes I thought Moomintroll and Snorkmaiden were finally just interacting as friends and I was hopeful, but unfortunately it was soon clear that they were still supposed to be romantically linked. To their credit, Moomintroll and Snufkin's relationship does maintain some of the development it grew throughout the series, and it funnily ends up presenting it almost as one-sided on Snufkin's side; he's now so much more openly affectionate and patient with Moomintroll, and their communication is a whole lot better, but the latter continues to pursue Snorkmaiden instead. I think Snufkin himself feels so mellowed out in this season, like he's no longer fighting against his own feelings or pulling away from others as much, which is nice to see (though I can see others complaining he's too out-of-character compared to his original counterpart, which is understandable, but I'm personally fine with the characters being "different versions" of themselves in adaptations).
Another disappointment for me was, like you mentioned, the Comet finale... it just wasn't as epic as I thought it'd be, and the stakes weren't high from the start, and after the journey was over the rest of the episode taking place in the valley was a bit dull and directionless. And inaccuracies from the book I expect by this point, but I'm personally not a fan of the ending change with them all just waiting outside to die but the Groke sacrificing herself but actually this is a family show so she's actually alive yaay 😂 Just a bit strange and not the send-off I was quite hoping for.
On the positive side, I LOVED Mamma and Pappa this season. Moominpappa kinda stole the show, and whilst the creators clearly favoured him in past seasons, in this one he finally lost that meanness he sometimes had in s1-3, so he was just a delight to watch.
The guest stars and characters were fabulous, which is a bittersweet thing as it makes it all the more sad that this is the final season and it's all we'll see of them.
The animation and music and sound and acting were all as wonderful as they always are. The crew did such a great job and it's a shame the story decisions dampened the experience for me.
#again for a final season... was really hoping for something just a bit more special. or at least a more memorable finale#think those are my main thoughts i might have missed something#to clarify i didnt wanna sound like a negative nancy i certainly found the season entertaining it's just certain story decisions that upset#me or piss me off. which imo just shows how much i love the show because if i didnt i wouldnt care as much! 😂#moominvalley season 4#moominvalley spoilers
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i love people headcanoning characters as autistic, until they only do that to the stupid characters or the childish characters or the ��innocent” characters and then it’s like oh. uh. that’s not.
#maybe it’s not a blatant announcement that they see autistic people as stupid or childish but it certainly is something#like why is it just this character who is very clearly portrayed as naive and gullible and ignorant that makes you think of autistic ppl?#or when they take a character and say “this character is autistic” and then they act like that character is dumb or childish. like.#like is it necessary to make autistic people stupid? ignorant? childish?#and sometimes it’s not even really Negative it’s just like l#like when a character is condescendingly called a sweet pure innocent baby. especially women.#like okay why can’t that woman be autistic and sexual? or autistic and jaded? or autistic and a trained assassin?#why do they have to be autistic and pure innocent poor traumatised baby who shouldn’t know evil or harm#idk. it just grinds my gears.
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Y'know the thing about writing feral/unhinged versions of Orion/Optimus, is that you can't go too far into the feral/unhinged direction to a point where OP's core character traits are lost or become too diminished. After all, in a multiple-continuity franchise like TF, part of what makes the stories make sense is that even if details change (sometimes major details), the characters are still recognizably themselves to one degree or another. (Although this isn't always the case due to executive meddling or some characters being such blank slates from their initial G1 appearances that there's basically nothing to model them off of, but I digress.)
It's pretty much another reason why I love IDW1 Optimus, bc he literally is a canonical feral/unhinged Optimus who's unhinged as a direct consequence of who he is as a person and what he's been through. Like, he still has those fundamental character traits of trying his best to be moral and make good choices, trying to be a role model, etc, except after 4 million years of war and untreated depression he's basically holding onto his sense of self by his fingertips. So when he "goes feral" e.g. losing his temper and beating up/killing people or saying hurtful things, he's feral in a way that's directly tied to his normal personality and not just as a random quirk he has.
IDW OP's feral moments arise from the gaps between "Optimus' attempts to be who he thinks he needs to be" and "the reality of the world that he can't fix/seems to only make worse" that cause him to lose hope, or become cynical, or lose his temper. But in this case, the unhinged-ness makes perfect sense because it arises out of Optimus trying and failing to be the best person or to make the most morally good choices he's trying to make. Basically, the "feral/unhinged" label is just another way of me trying to say that he's not just unhinged because he's weird or because he's a bad person, but because it's an emotional reaction (more like an emotional explosion due to pent-up emotions) to the context he exists in.
I'd also say that IDW OP's personality being generally reserved/stoic and (trying to be) noble works in tandem with those moments he has of going feral because it makes him more realistic. His psyche is treated in a way where the writers are like, "Hey what if the pressure of having to be everyone's idol and be the best person in the galaxy at all times actually broke Optimus down mentally and emotionally?" It makes IDW OP far more relatable. Instead of naturally being a perfect Christ-like figure who never wavers in his morals or convictions and is just naturally a nice person who always has the wisest and best answer, being a good person is something that IDW OP has to consciously strive to be. Even when he feels like it's useless, or the cycle of violence will never stop, or any attempts he makes to help only ends up with things becoming worse.
And I feel like this does a service not only to IDW Optimus as a character, but also as a sort of moral/philosophical perspective for the reader to ponder upon? I feel like culture at large (or at least my experience of it) tends to believe that "goodness" in a person is simply an innate feature that people are born/not born with, and that being "good" means that you must be good at all times, both in your actions as well as the way you feel emotionally about yourself and the world. Like, there's a tendency for our vision of "a good person" to be good in every aspect at all times without having to try to be a good person. So I think IDW Optimus' character stands as a good example of how someone can be good at heart but still struggle to maintain those feelings of optimism and hope and justice. It's a good idea to have such a paragon of a character (in-universe and out-of-universe) be so conflicted and to even be mistaken, misguided, or make things worse because it shows that goodness is as much about "trying to behave/act in a way that is good" and not just "existing as an innately good person."
It's way more realistic for a person to want to be good, try to be good, and sometimes/often fail than it is for them to just be a good person. I enjoy the fact that IDW Optimus is both a good person at heart, but also has to strive to be a good person and live up to other people's expectations of what they see in him. I like how he wants to be a good person and change society for the better, but he also spends a good amount of time either feeling hopeless and alone or being angry at/detached from other people because of how frustrated they make him. He's realistically portrayed as someone who wants to be good and hopeful and change things for the better, but is also mentally and emotionally broken by that burden because of how impossible it is for him to Fix Everything and be the Perfect Prime/Leader/Autobot that people see him as. It's this fascinating mixture of "yes, this is who he is as a person" but also "there are things he desires to be that he could never possibly become or live up to."
This got really far off based from feral/unhinged Optimus sdklfjaslkdlfkas. The TLDR is that if people want unhinged OP, I feel like they should give IDW OP a chance because he IS unhinged but he's unhinged in a way that's a realistic/thematic representation of how being an Absolute Good is impossible. And how being a good person isn't just about Existing And You Are A Good Person, but rather goodness is a constant state of flux in which you adjust, you make mistakes, you lose your temper and feel hopeless, but then you pick yourself up and try again.
Also IDW OP really likes climbing in dangerous wilderness and jumping out of flying vehicles which I think is very feral and sexy of him to do.
#squiggposting#idw op love#idk if i adequately explained it in the body of the post. but i really do feel some kind of way about the idea of like#being a good person isn't about just being static. always being the same person. just naturally being good and nice all teh time#but rather being a good person will cause you to be CHALLENGED and being a good person calls you to ACT#and you WILL make mistakes. there's never a situation in which you're all wise and always have the right solution or are infinitely patient#but goodness is something you can CHOOSE something you can BECOME and you can still have negative emotions and CHOOSE to be good#like being a good person is a continuous process of self improvement. you aren't just born a good person#and i'm not trying to tear down the notion of 'goodness' or say it doesn't exist#rather i'm trying to say that it's far more comforting to hear that you don't have to be The Best Person at all times#it's comforting to know that good people aren't just Effortlessly Good because they were Just Born That Way Naturally#there certainly are some people like that but most of us aren't like that. and i just like idw op for that reason#he shows that like. you can be a fucked up mentally ill guy who despairs and loses his temper and is basically suicidal#but you also still genuinely try to be hopeful and try to help others. like you are good because you Try To Be Good#and you Try To Hold Onto Your Principles bc giving up or becoming evil isn't an option for you#but also trying to be A Good Person drives you fucking crazy bc we live in a universe where that perfect good simply isn't possible#so the result is an optimus who's at once Noble Paragon and Unhinged bc he's unhinged as a result of trying to be a paragon
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so did umbrella ben just not mention reggie murdering him to klaus or did he somehow fucking forget too???
#cos Reggie certainly didn’t brain wash a ghost did he???????????#am I missing something????????#also did klaus actually find out Reggie killed ben??????#did he have any fucking scenes with ben with more than three lines???????#wtf????????#tua#the umbrella academy#spoilers#// negative
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can I be so open and vulnerable with you guys. the card I was given from people at my old office was sincerely so nice and really validating but also I feel like the main impression I left other people with was "she's really nice" WHICH IS GOOD, I DO WANT TO BE KNOWN AS NICE but also part of me is like... should I maybe strive for "innovative" or "creative" or "a go-getter" because being The Nice One just feels a little mealy-mouthed of me y'know?
#I think there is something to be said here for being so averse to conflict and also such a control freak that I spend incalculable energy on#making other people happy/comfortable/cool-with-me so on and so forth#like this has been a problem in past friendships too as I've grown up#and I've noticed it even online like sometimes I'll have A Take and I won't post it because I don't want to be negative about something#that someone else may like or whatever#which is GOOFY because some of my favorite people are those with strong personalities (bc it's a CLEAR VIEW of that person's personality!!)#and yet here I am like "tee hee I'm so nice everyone likes me because I'm nice anyway when I look in a mirror all i see is a blank wall''#lol y'know? and like no I certainly express opinions and express emotions other than Just Being Happy#and also any waylaid attempts at being so neutral as to not offend people uhhhhh don't work. ask me how I know#(I know because people have hated my guts on the internet before lol)#so it's like: this performance is truly for no one but yourself AND!!!! *AND* it's not even good for you because you might not actually be#being your authentic self#anyways I'm afraid to be a hater and also I'm afraid people won't like me so I try hard to make them like me#and THAT leads to me getting a very nice card about how everyone likes me and me inevitably going: but do they know and like the REAL me#lololololololol that's so goofy#anyway kids be yourselves#also what can I say I derive great pleasure from trying to be the nicest person a cashier interacts with on a given day so#idk there's a middle ground to be struck therein and I'm still navigating it
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thoughts on descendants 4 after just watching it <3 spoilers below
i didnt hate it but it also wasnt great?? i unironically love all the other descendants movies, ive got all the books, the dolls, dove cameron is always in my spotify wrapped top 5 bc of how much i listen to the soundtrack. those are my qualifications for not being a hater. i just didnt think this movie lived up to the original trilogy
and obviously they want to make more movies, which im okay with, but this one still felt unfinished. not in a "there's more to explore in the sequels" way but in a "we forgot to write an ending" sort of way
the pacing was just really weird and when we checked to see how much time was left and saw there were only ten minutes, we couldnt believe it
with all the talk of castlecoming and how big a deal that was, it felt so weird that we didnt see it?? that bridget went thru this horrible life changing prank that literally turned her evil and we just never even got close to it. taking the book was enough
(also, why did red even have to open the book in the first place if they only needed to play keep away with it? they werent even looking for anything inside)
WHAT was chloe talking about when she said her mom changed so much?? like did ella tell her nothing about her past? she's surprised that her mom grew up poor and abused and disliking royals but went on to marry a prince and be kind and give her gifts?? i dont understand what she was confused about alskjfsl
i did like brandy and paolo tho. idc if it was fan service, im a fan and felt serviced <3 their parts were cute. there was no reason for ella to be running around with blue hair tho. and the top, back, and braid all felt like they were from a different wig and none of it was working for me
i am SO glad chad got a mention tho. i screamed when it happened. i just figured they'd ignore him completely lmao
uliana was written like racist people write uma in fanfics. disappointing. disney still owes her for season 1 of hsmtmts so they better improve her part for the sequel movies
the songs were also v disappointing for meee :/ my sister said half of them sounded like they belonged on the zombies soundtrack (derogatory). the soundtracks of the original trilogies have almost zero skips on them, so it sucks that like over half the songs on this one could be a skip for me
this is also true of the stupid royal wedding short but i hate that they essentially killed carlos off for real. its sooo dumb but idk i just like thinking that cam could live on in his character but nooo. and even tho im convinced that china was crying real tears in that scene and it still hurts, the whole "we should do it for carlos" thing was like. still weird
anyway like everyone did a good job with what they were given but i think the script and song writing were nowhere near as strong as the original 3 (even tho i also think the original 3 movies vary in quality in those regards)
but i still had a good time and hope they make more. and i need those dolls to show up in stores bc i want them <3 and above all else...
GIVE DARA RENEÉ BETTER MATERIAL DISNEY YOU OWE HER
#descendants#disney descendants#descendants 4#descendants rise of red#my thoughts#angel watches stuff#angel watches descendants#also i dont even read a lot of descendants fanfic and certainly not ones that are uma negative#but i saw some people talking about one that was particularly offensive and decided to check it out#bc i hate myself#and oh boy it was something elseee#and i just imagine theyre all like that lol#and uliana was giving that#unfortunately
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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Thinking about how anti-sjw culture really repressed me in almost every front imaginable back in the day.
Like, back then, I knew I was bi, kinda, but you wouldn't have caught me dead even simply questioning my gender. I felt gender euphoria but I was never able to pinpoint it down as proof I'm not cis until years later when some trans friends gave me the Non-Judegemental But Still Very Aware Gaze treatment and I actually sat down and thought about it. I think looking back it's pretty safe for me to say that the way anti-sjw culture looked at transgender people, especially those that didn't constantly point out how much they hated their AGAB, was extremely transphobic and personally set my self-discovery journey a good 5 or so years back.
Back then, ironically, I was also not really very religious. I still went to Confirmation classes and the such, but I fucking hated it, for many reasons but one of them being I was just doing out of obligation being raised Catholic. In this one I also genuinely don't know what changed, but I've actually gone back to Catholicism both in earnest and willing now. I feel like I have a much better grasp of theology now and I'm no longer shy about being religious, I also think fellow religious people (especially queer religious people) deserve to feel more open about it, and I've also brushed up on other religions. I'm not perfect but I do try my best to be open and respectful, especially compared to my time back in the anti-sjw trenches (once you recognize the signs of shit like Islamophobia and antisemitism it's like Holy Shit It's Relentless).
I feel I also have my PDD in better check now, both because I've lived with it for longer and because quite honestly a lot of people I associated myself with back in those days were fucking assholes. I look back on that one friend group blocking me the moment I got too woke for their tastes with pride. My friends now are amazing and the ones that have stuck with me throughout the transition process are also delightful.
#idk idk#got woke and now i'm annoyingly queer and christian and disabled LMAO#idk if anyone here relates? or something?#leave a reply i'd love to hear your experiences or thoughts on this matter#cause like i know for a fact i wasn't the only one negatively affected by general anti sjw bullshit#and i certainly was not the one worst off
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accidentally made myself angry thinking about The Stranger just now but idk how to explain what I'm thinking about
#bluejay chirpin#it's a fun book for limbus company to cover but i think bringing it back in the 2024 tumblr sphere had some negative consequences#it reminds me of some of the takes on dungeon meshi's worldbuilding#like im wise enough now to not defend meursault's actions but the criticism of colonialism is not as big a part of the story as people thin#some of it is- like almost everyone in prison being an arab was certainly criticism of the system- but not all of it#camus himself was born in french algeria and his belief was that french people born in the colony should be able to stay there#meursault *is* a colonist by technicality but boiling him down to JUST that is a gross misrepresentation of what the entire book is about#he's a stranger! an outsider in his own society! he holds the gun but his court rejects him too#they dont give a shit about the murder he committed; if this was a story about oppressive power of colonists he would've got off scot free#but he didn't. because this is the story about meursault. a man society does not accept and views as just as subhuman as#how they view the people they're ALL colonizing#huh. i guess i did know how to explain after all#there was something under my long rodya post that i agreed with at first but then gradually began to disagree with more and more#on both rodya's side and meursault's side#sort of thinking about that right now...#l'etranger#well it's midnight posting ig
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didn't realize how bad my environment affected my mental state until i left it . ... november has been suspiciously nice to me and I've been having less thoughts abt how little I matter and wow. I've been like having more collective good days than I've had like all year.
#january me wouldve been sobbing their eyes out like oh my god whst do u mean u left and nothing happened#what do you mean#but . i feel my needs r taken csre of here#crazy right i barely know anybody and yet ive felt more loved than i have all year its making me emotional#and damnit i am not goinf to cry over mh lunch at work. no sir#people think about me. like actually. i am a presence people notice and oh wow.#even when i was jhst a fucking emoji i was . Thought of. isnf that insane?#people ca n just pop into my inbox and go hi buddy whats up. ahhhh?#maybe i will cry lol#im not sure tjis is a negative vent but it is certainly charged wkth something so#tw vent#micetalk#gahhh i dont offer anything and people continue to be around me anyways i dont have to be basically a pet to be loved#so weid#so weird so so so weird#very good for hslping ease my borderline things of just makinf myself miserable if it meant i was easy enough.#gahhhhh...#i thought this wouldve been the most soul crushing potentially years kf mh life and yet.#all that suffering. all the worst is behind me.#word#Word!!!!
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re: senseific, i don't remember if you've talked about it, but i was a little bit surprised that it was sawa who suggested kitakata as an advisor for amasawa. yeah it's been 13 years, and in the game their relationship is not particularly hostile, but i still wait from her the "fuck that guy" attitude towards him xD speaking of (and this, of course it doubtly would be The Theme, but will you talk about their relationship or just mention that stuff happened and they got over it? or not at all?
you all know the drill ↓
Considering the outcome of the Kusumoto situation in sensei au, I don’t think her feelings towards him would be so negative. He mishandled the situation at first, sure, but he realised it was serious, and I think he did everything he could to make things right. Of course, effort alone isn’t enough to make up for all the awful things that already happened because of him, but it must count for something, right? Kitakata was willing to admit he was wrong, presumably apologised, took responsibility, put in the work. I think Sawa sees that. That he’s flawed but ultimately sincere and trying.
Her impression of Kitakata isn’t wholly positive – she’s levelheaded and sees his flaws very clearly, especially now as his colleague (he’s prone to mess and disorganisation, and I see him as being kind of lazy and inconsiderate at times in his day to day). He perhaps doesn’t deserve her respect, and Sawa is definitely the better teacher, but I think her presence helps hold Kitakata to account. She expects quite a bit of him, and Kitakata knows this, wants to be the person that she expects him to be. Kitakata’s wish to change and do better is sincere, but I think he might slip back into old habits if he wasn’t diligent, and Sawa’s presence helps.
She certainly expects Kitakata to at least hear a student out when they go to speak to him, and she’s known him long enough to notice him with a mystery novel or two. Why not ask him to help the mrc? ...well, I dunno. I’m not married to the idea. But that’s the train of thought.
I don’t know how in depth I’ll go with those two, mostly because I’m approaching the Sawa-Kitakata relationship from the angle of Yagami seeing that there’s something going on there, but not knowing exactly what. So for the most part, it’s not going to be something that’s spoken about outright. But their relationship is interesting and I think it speaks especially to Kitakata’s personal motivations and shortcomings in a way that can’t be done any other way.
#jitxt#kitakata sensei#i say this about everything but. damn i gotta write more of them#they're certainly not friends but i think sawa extends trust to kitakata on the things that matter#yeah he's an annoying colleague but if something really matters then he will do what he can to get it done#so their relationship is not so negative imo. at least in this au#excuse all the “i think”s. me when i'm nervous about having an opinion on anything in public#this is all sensei au specific anyway so whatever but#the imposter syndrome man. makes me nervous#and god forbid i'm speaking to one of the greatest kuwagami minds at the same time#reread part of the everchanging a few days ago and remembered how good it was. just fyi#i wasn't built for writing long fic (stares into the distance) but here i am....#gotta push through the doubt and believe in my love of kuwagami#but yeah. something about maturity/immaturity that i could probably pull on here#i'm still not sure how that throughline is going to play out#the contrast between the well put together (mature) sawa and the experienced but sometimes fumbling (immature-ish) kitakata#even though of course. sawa is the younger one. idk i think there's something there
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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it's only wednesday and it already has been a week™
#🌿blog control — ooc.🌿#outside of personal stuff#i got declined from the two possitions i applied at work#and while it's not the end of the world cause i can try again#it's certainly not something that uplifts my mood so#asdfghj#negativity for ts i guess#but yeah replies will come eventually probably not this work week tho
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Too depressed to say anything nice so here's some goalie taps I downloaded last night
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#It's only been 3 games so far but sadly also 3 losses#The negativity amongst fans is ramping up#And that's the worst tbh#Because I know they're doing their best even if it's frustrating to watch#But what are they supposed to do when three core guys are out indefinitely/longterm#Their coach said it felt as if they were paralyzed and it certainly looks like it#I just wish some fans weren't so bitter about it#Like stfu and do it yourself then you asshole#Anyways I'm feeling very depressed about my black wings and hope they can turn it around soon#And that they won't do something drastic in terms of personnel change#Bwl#Black wings linz#Icehl#Five letter league
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There is literally always shit happening to me
#negative#GAHHHH!!!!!#finally got a job interview after A YEAR of searching. and it's tomorrow. awesome#HOWEVER. yesterday our house decided that we ONLY get hot water#which means showering like normal is off the table and toilet tanks have to be manually filled every time you use them#plumber came out today and said haha I've never seen something like this before I'm gonna have to send out a bigger company tomorrow#WHICH MEANS#STILL NO WATER THAT ISN'T SCALDING HOT. MORE THAN 36 HOURS.#time to collect a bunch of water in mason jars and let it cool off so I can use it to wash my hair and take a sponge bath#even just washing hands is a nightmare rn#have to wet ur hands then instantly turn the water off while you soap up#then turn it back on and rinse off before it has a chance to get hot as hell#nightmare world!!!!#dunno if they'll even be able to fix it tomorrow bc he said the thing that's probably blocked is covered by sheetrock in a wall Somewhere#(he doesn't know where)#so they'll probably have to cut a hole in our already bad walls (almost certainly full of bugs and mold. issues we ALSO have)#and then HOPE they have the right part to fix it#aaaahhh!!!!!!!
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