#the imposter syndrome man. makes me nervous

[jichanxo]

re: senseific, i don't remember if you've talked about it, but i was a little bit surprised that it was sawa who suggested kitakata as an advisor for amasawa. yeah it's been 13 years, and in the game their relationship is not particularly hostile, but i still wait from her the "fuck that guy" attitude towards him xD speaking of (and this, of course it doubtly would be The Theme, but will you talk about their relationship or just mention that stuff happened and they got over it? or not at all?

you all know the drill ↓

Considering the outcome of the Kusumoto situation in sensei au, I don’t think her feelings towards him would be so negative. He mishandled the situation at first, sure, but he realised it was serious, and I think he did everything he could to make things right. Of course, effort alone isn’t enough to make up for all the awful things that already happened because of him, but it must count for something, right? Kitakata was willing to admit he was wrong, presumably apologised, took responsibility, put in the work. I think Sawa sees that. That he’s flawed but ultimately sincere and trying.

Her impression of Kitakata isn’t wholly positive – she’s levelheaded and sees his flaws very clearly, especially now as his colleague (he’s prone to mess and disorganisation, and I see him as being kind of lazy and inconsiderate at times in his day to day). He perhaps doesn’t deserve her respect, and Sawa is definitely the better teacher, but I think her presence helps hold Kitakata to account. She expects quite a bit of him, and Kitakata knows this, wants to be the person that she expects him to be. Kitakata’s wish to change and do better is sincere, but I think he might slip back into old habits if he wasn’t diligent, and Sawa’s presence helps.

She certainly expects Kitakata to at least hear a student out when they go to speak to him, and she’s known him long enough to notice him with a mystery novel or two. Why not ask him to help the mrc? ...well, I dunno. I’m not married to the idea. But that’s the train of thought.

I don’t know how in depth I’ll go with those two, mostly because I’m approaching the Sawa-Kitakata relationship from the angle of Yagami seeing that there’s something going on there, but not knowing exactly what. So for the most part, it’s not going to be something that’s spoken about outright. But their relationship is interesting and I think it speaks especially to Kitakata’s personal motivations and shortcomings in a way that can’t be done any other way.

[genderqueerdykes]

I’m really nervous to say this but I think I might be a girl, but it’s confusing because I still think I was born male.

Like, I use he/him for myself sometimes. I don’t consider myself even trans, I’m a girl in a boys body or a girl who was raised/born with a penis. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m a real Transfem, or like I’m less valid because I still consider myself male to some degree. Or I feel like I’m using transmed language. I know it isn’t true, but the internalized transphobia is real. 😞

(also btw I go by the name Ren, if you could refer to me that way please)

hello there! thanks for taking the time to stop by, we really appreciate it

i totally see where you're coming from. i don't think you have to feel ashamed for thinking/feeling that way right now. i have met so many girls in your situation and it's totally okay to feel that way while you're coming to accept who you are. many transfems are affected by imposter syndrome and i think it's due to the absolutely unrealistic expectations we place on every single transfem. i think it's because of how poorly other people treat you and other transfems

it's really easy to internalize that you're not "really" this or "really" that when other people treat you that way, or you've witnessed that behavior being expressed towards others. it's alright to feel unsure of yourself right now. a lot of trans people start off thinking they're a girl in a boy's body, or a boy in a girl's body. it's alright to not see your body as a girl's body yet. it takes time to accept that. some of my exes have been in the same situation where they still saw their body as a man's body and it's okay. you are a girl in a girl's body, but you've been told otherwise for so long it's okay to take a while to dismantle that

you sound transfem to me, i hope you're able to feel more confident soon as time passes. if possible, it may help you to try to seek out online transfem spaces, i'm part of a few on discord and i see a lot of people being very proactive in helping ease the dysphoria of other transfems. it's so common, you're not alone. some of the most intense dysphoria i've ever seen in a trans person came from the trans girls i've known. and who can blame you? society is so harsh towards trans women

it's okay if you're not perfectly feminine or if you don't fit into any type of box. it's okay if you need time to accept things. and many trans people do end up viewing their lives as "halves". many older trans women i've met have told me about "when they were living as a boy/man" and when they began living as a woman. i've met trans men who say the inverse. it's okay if you feel like you were a boy/man at at one point and are no longer. it's okay to feel like you were born in a boy/man's body and need to transition to make it feel like a girl's body, and your body. however you feel about it, you don't need to feel ashamed of yourself.

you're still a girl, Ren! you're still transfem. imposter syndrome is tough, i hope it eases up for you soon. you don' thave to jump through any hurdles to be transfem- so many transfems out there feel just the same way you do. it's okay

hope that helps, take care for now. please feel free to ask any more questions you may have!

[lialacleaf]

A Touch Too Personal

Chapter 2

Summary: You had a crush on Ghost since you started working for Price in communications, but the gruff, reserved Lieutenant only acknowledged your existence on the job. That starts to change with a simple, thoughtful gift. Warnings: Fluff, Simon is bad at processing emotions, past trauma

Imposter Syndrome is often described as feeling unworthy of good things. There’s no basis for this feeling, it’s simply a learned reaction.

It’s exactly how Simon felt after you’d given him that blanket.

He’d never gone out of his way to do anything nice for you. Hell, he barely regarded you when he dropped off his mission reports, which he now felt badly about. Being in that stuffy little office was probably bad enough, but being disregarded entirely by the people who counted on you was probably even worse.

After his most recent mission, he’d actually been too nervous to see you, and sent them in with Gaz. He’d fully intended to deliver them himself, and profusely thank you for the gift, but he had gotten stuck a few steps from your door, and aborted the mission entirely.

He felt like such a screw up, which lead him to his current predicament.

“You wanna do what now?” Soap asked as he sipped his morning coffee in the break room.

“I wanna get her a gift.” Ghost said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Why?”

Ghost was silent for a moment, starring Soap down with his piercing gaze. “Just ‘cause,” he said stiffly.

“You mean ‘cause of your blankie?” Soap teased and Ghost’s eyes widened. “Ah man she was so proud of that thing, couldn’t wait to give it to you.”

Ghost felt his face grow warm beneath his mask. “Alright, yes. She got me a gift, it’s only proper I do the same,” he said stiffly. “What do you usually get her?”

Soap took a long sip of his coffee. “Nothin’ at all.”

Ghost glared at him. “What?”

“You heard me. She doesn’t do it for something in return. She does it for the smile, the hug, and the thank you.” Ghost felt his blood go cold. “You gave her a hug, right L.T.?” Soap asked.

Ghost stared at him for a second or two, before turning on his heel and rushing out of the break room. Soap simply sighed and shook his head.

He was awful. An Awful, stupid, heartless creature. He needed to fix this, and fast, otherwise you might never regard him fondly ever again, and such an idea was suddenly very alarming despite his general disinterest in you as of a few days ago.

You’d done something so sweet for him, and he’d responded callously. He didn’t deserve the gift you’d given him.

Now he was faced with the challenge of making things right, but he didn’t know anything about you. What was he supposed to do that would redeem him in your eyes?

Soap said you liked actions more than receiving things in return. He could work with that.

~

Your fingers clacked away at your keyboard as the sun began to set, casting an orange glow through your open office window. You were sulking, hiding in your office so you didn’t risk running into him at the mess hall for dinner.

You’d finished your work an hour ago, but you were hoping if you waited until the tail end of the meal he’d be gone.

You felt so stupid, like you may as well have painted a clown face on and paraded around base telling everyone that you were a joke.

It could have been worse, you tried to reason. He could have simply not accepted it. It would have broke your heart if that had been his reaction.

With a sigh, you closed your laptop and pushed it into your bag. You could sulk more comfortably in your bunk. There was no reason to prolong your suffering in your hard-backed office chair.

Your tired feet carried you back to your room as your mind wandered. Did you really think that the Lieutenant Ghost would take an interest in someone like you? You weren’t anything special. Not like him and the rest of 141. You'd been so mystified by him that your brain had completely thrown logic out the window.

When you finally arrived at your room, there was a small, tan sticky note stuck to your door, and your brow furrowed.

My room, 20:00 -Ghost.

You felt your stomach drop. Was he mad at you? Was he going to tell you off for inappropriately giving him a gift?

You let out a sigh, shaking your head as you opened your door. You were too tired to think too long on it and instead focused on stripping your work clothes off in exchange for a comfy pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

You didn’t feel like going to the mess, even though you were starving, so you threw a package of noodles into your hot-pot and called it a day.

You didn’t bother putting on your work shoes when you slipped out to meet your Lieutenant, and slid on a pair of comfy slippers.

You knocked softly at his door, feeling awkward as a group of soldiers passed you in the hallway. You couldn't help but feel as if their whispers were somehow about you as if you were now the butt of a joke.

You hated feeling so anxious, so out of place. It was as if the rest of the world was laughing at you while you, emotionally speaking, tripped over your own feet.

His door opened with a creak, and your eyes flicked up from your feet to stare at the balaclava covering his face, not quite meeting his gaze.

You both stood quietly as you assessed each other, until he moved from the doorway and gestured for you to enter.

“Rough day?” He asked, taking in your disheveled state. His eyes seemed to linger on your slouched shoulders.

“Just long,” you stated, glancing around the room. You paused however when your gaze landed on his bed.

His blanket lay neatly folded at the foot of it, and you felt your heart jump to your throat. It was clear that he had been using it.

“Price said you’ve been working overtime.”

You jumped at the sound of his voice, and the feeling of his hand on your shoulders and he pushed you to sit on his bed.

“There’s been a lot to do,” you said, situating yourself comfortably. A lie, but you doubted he cared about what you did anyway. Your work probably didn't seem very important to him.

He hummed in response, cupping your cheeks as he gazed down at you. You felt your heart stutter as his thumbs gently dug behind your ear, rubbing soothing circles all the way to your collarbones.

“Lieutenant?” You asked in confusion.

“Hmm?” He hummed, massaging your biceps with his large, calloused hands.

You couldn’t help but let your eyes slide closed. “What…what are you doing?”

“Making sure you feel appreciated.”

You felt your face heat up at his words as he pushed you to lay on your back, massaging your calf muscles, before moving to your ankles and feet.

Appreciated didn't even begin to describe what you felt.

"You do an awful lot for us. Wanted to make sure you knew we see it."

You felt floaty, a soft feeling blanketing your mind as the day’s stress melted away. You tried to stay awake, but your body felt heavy, the intoxicating smell of Ghost lingering in your nose as a result of being in his space, and before you knew it you were softly snoring.

Ghost watched you carefully, pushing a stray hair out of your face and running his gloved thumb across your cheek.

You’d looked exhausted when you’d arrived, and he was glad to see you resting, even if it was in his bed. He couldn’t help but chuckle as he scooted in beside you. The blanket was big enough for the both of you after all. You'd made sure of that.

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[allthethoughtsandstuff]

the movie was ADORABLE and it was QUEER and it was CHEESY and HAPPY and SILLY and CUTE and I LOVED it and I have some THOUGHTS and im going to put them here bc idk what else to DO

bad reputation playing after cakegate into the intro credits was the most slay choice

alex is a bracelets man send tweet

the closet scene at the hospital was such a slay 10/10 alex looking like a pissed off little kid the whole time like yeah buddy throw ur little temper tantrum we love to see it

they didn’t say fuck enough times in this movie they said it so many times in the book wtf like you had the r rating already just use it why would you not use it???

the timeline is hurting my brain they’re shifting stuff around I am questioning reality

rip obtuse fucking asshole

TZP 🫶🏻

HISTORY HUH BET WE COULD MAKE SOME IM CRYING

why did we invent miguel he’s a snake literally for why was he there

while we’re on the topic of miguel I disagree with having alex have been w him bc I think it takes away from his complete obliviousness and his thus huge moment of realization w henry so I think we get less of an alex finding himself and more of an alex exploring this part of him that he already knew was there which isn’t inherently bad for a film or book but I just always found alexs discovery of his queerness and the resulting shifting/understanding of things from his past to be such an important part of the book for me personally like just with the rearranging of things he’s always felt but never noticed or payed attention to is very special and gets lost when you give him this queer experience that he’s fully aware and understanding of

zahra for the win

THEMS ON THE BALCONY WITH THE CROWD OUTSIDE THE PALACE IM SO GLAD THEY DIDNT CUT THE CROWD

ugh the yellow rose tie I’m crying

THE FORCED CONFORMITY OF THE CLOSET CANNOT BE ANSWERED WITH FORCED CONFORMITY IN COMING OUT OF IT SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK IM FUCKING SCREAMING

okay so ur going to talk about alexs eyelashes but NOT give the line to henry excuse me????

“take the american with you” im dying at that

girl they called the election so fast ik things move faster in movies but here’s me knowing how LONG it takes in the book and the SUSPENSE and the ADRENALINE and then it was just over like that before you even know it like damn

uma thurman woman that you are 💗

so I was thinking ab when they do the new years count down and these random girls kiss alex and I’m like damn no what it’s supposed to be nora but you know what then I realized they just made nora into a sister figure for alex since they got rid of june so their relationship is and always has been 100% platonic

it was so slay of them to literally open the movie with alex being nervous and thinking he’s going to mess up at the wedding and get rejected like yes thank you for addressing this boys perfectionism and imposter syndrome head on from the very beginning this is the alex we know and love

putting alex and henry in the same room when they’re talking on the phone to each other was such a good choice I love it

they made this movie for the readers you have to know the LORE you have to understand how DEEP henry and alexs relationship is and you simply cannot get that in a two hour film but goddamn did they do a good job trying

[zepskies]

Assistant Hottie

Pairing: Jason Teague x F. Reader (implied Jason T. x Lana Lang)

Summary: Jason Teague, Assistant Football Coach, meets you in the faculty break lounge at Smallville High. He tries to kick you out, thinking you’re a student. Technically, you are. Turns out, you both go to the same university. 

AN: So I know it’s about 20 years late, but I’ve been wanting to write some Jason Teague for a while now. There’s a very dated reference to iPods (remember this show was circa early 2000s).

Word Count: 2,600 Tags/Warnings: Implied love triangle (quadrangle?), fluff, tinge of angst, and a meet cute.

“Hey, Coach T!”

Jason turns his head, shooting Clark Kent a smile that’s just a little bit forced. He slows down in the busy hallway so the younger man can catch up.

Clark’s friends, Chloe Sullivan and Lana Lang keep walking, though the brunette glances his way. Her hazel eyes catch his.

But Jason focuses on Clark, who’s coming at him with all six feet and three inches of farm boy earnestness.

Jason has City Boy Charm in his arsenal.

“What’s up, man?”

Clark smiles. “Real quick, just wanted to ask you about the drills we’re running today…”

Eighth period is about to start, meaning just another hour until school ends, and another day of practice begins on the football field. Clark takes all five minutes between classes to ask his questions about how he can better move the ball, his throwing technique, how to better communicate on plays with the rest of the guys.

As always, Jason gives Clark the best advice he has to offer. Even a few months into this job, he’s still feeling a bit of imposter syndrome. He’s only a couple of years older than the guys he’s coaching, and Clark is looking at him like he’s got all the answers.

Newsflash, champ. I don’t. Jason smiles though. 

Because Clark is something else. He’s a starting quarterback of a game he’s never played before in his life. Head Coach Quigley thought it was steroids at first, but Jason had a gut feeling about the guy.

“He’s not a cheater,” he’d told Quigley. The other man had scoffed, rubbing his chin.

“Okay, Teague. If you think so,” he said. “…Make him piss in a cup anyway.”

Since then, Clark hasn’t given Jason a reason to doubt him, at least on the field.

No, his reasons for still being wary of Clark are more…personal.

“All right, we’ll workshop the rest later on the field,” Jason says, as the starting bell rings. “You’re gonna be late for class.”

“Okay, see ya later.” Clark nods and holds up a hand in goodbye. To tell the truth, Jason is a little relieved to see him go.

Instead of heading to his office, he makes a pitstop at the faculty break lounge for a cup of coffee. He could use a little pick-me-up, even if it is from a watery K-cup.

When he pushes open the door, he’s greeted by the familiar smell of stale roasted hazelnut and microwaved fish. Along with the wall-to-wall countertop and refrigerator down the end, there’s a small round table fitted with just three chairs.

Uh oh, he thinks.

You’re sitting there with a pair of earbuds in, nodding to your music while you make notes with a red pen. The contents of your messenger bag are half-strewn across the table, displaying a couple of notebooks and binders, different colored highlighters, pens, and a post-it pad.

Your back is facing him, so he has to walk around the table to get your attention. He hesitates, before he taps your shoulder. He’s never had to do this before, and he’s actually a bit nervous.

“Hey there,” he says. His lips quirk when you jolt a little. You stare up at him with wide eyes and the top of your pen resting against your lower lip. 

“Uh…” You remove your ear buds and hit pause on your iPod.

“Did you get lost on the way to study hall, or you just here for the coffee?” Jason gestures to the Keurig machine on the counter. “Hate to break it to you, but that stuff’s not exactly quality joe.”

You blinked at him. “What? Um…I mean yeah, the coffee’s ass. But it is free, I guess.”

Jason tries to reign in his smile. He cards a hand through his blonde hair and taps his free hand on the table.

“Uh, are you ditching class or something?” he asks. “If it’s history, I get it. Snooze fest.”

He makes a flatlining motion with his hand. Your brows knit together in confusion…but then you brighten.

“Oh, I’m not a student,” you laugh. “But good on you for trying to lay down the law, Coach Teague.”

Now it’s Jason’s turn to be confused. “How did you know—”

You point with your red pen, over to the yellow patch emblazoned on his red polo that says: Crows Football and Assistant Coach.

“Pretty sure you’re the one the cheerleaders are calling Assistant Hottie,” you say. Your gaze is wry and a hint playful.

He lets himself smile, albeit with some embarrassment. He points at you.

“And you’re…”

“Part-time teacher’s aid,” you reply. Your hands make a frame around the stack of papers in front of you, that Jason now realizes you’re grading.

Great. His face warms a bit.

“Sorry,” he chuckles, and points to the coffee maker. “Let me just mind my business.”

He doesn’t know it, but you subtly watch him with a small smile while he goes about said business. The Keurig eventually spits out more roasted hazelnut into his Styrofoam cup.

With his prize in hand, he means to leave you in peace to head for his office, but your voice stops him.

“You can sit if you want. I need a break anyway.”

Jason can admit, at least to himself, that he’s curious. (About you.) He goes over to the table and sits down across from you. His eyes unconsciously dart over the splayed contents of your bag, and you don’t miss it.

“Sorry,” you say, as you try to reign in the mess and corral things back into your bag. “I’m kind of an organized chaos kind of girl.”

“No worries. I dabble in that philosophy myself,” he says with a grin. “I’m Jason, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you,” you reply, giving him your name in return.

You like his smile. His long fingers are wrapped around the steaming cup. Meanwhile, the afternoon sun is pouring in from the windows behind him. It shines golden on his hair and broad shoulders, and makes his green eyes look warm.

Those eyes glance down and focus on a familiar badge sticking out of your bag. His brows furrow.

“No way. You go to Kansas A&M?” he asks. “So do I.”

You blink at him. “What, you’re still in college?”

He laughs and leans back in his chair, blowing out a breath.

“Okay, wow! A bit rude," he says. "Just how old do you think I am?”

You bite your lip in embarrassment.

“Second thought, don’t answer that,” he quips.

“I’m sorry,” you say, through a bit of laughter. “I guess we’re both reading each other wrong today.”

Jason shakes his head and crosses his arms.

“No, no. It’s fine,” he says airily. “Lest I be any more presumptuous, can I ask what year you’re in? Major?”

You concede with a nod, but you’re still smiling too hard.

“Secondary Education. Junior year,” you say. Jason’s brows raise with his grin still in place.

“Okay, a future teacher on our hands.” He leans forward. “As it turns out, I’m actually a sophomore.”

A year below you. You bury your reddened face in your hands, though a giggle still bubbles up.

He doesn’t let you stew in your misery for long though.

“Eh, it’s okay. Don’t feel too bad,” he says. You hear the smile in his voice, and you peek out at him from between your fingers. “I’m technically a year behind. Transferred from another school so I could take this job.”

Once again, your eyes widen as your hands fall away from your face.

“Oh, yeah? I assume you play football, but I’ve never seen you on the team…”

Jason’s smile turns playfully cocky.

“I don’t play anymore, but I’ll have you know, I was on track for the NFL.”

Yeah, for about a minute, comes a dull reminder in his brain.

You rest your chin in your hand as you meet his smile. “Okay. You definitely have the face of a guy who almost went pro.”

Your voice lowers at the end there, impersonating every “dude bro” you’ve ever met who thought he could throw a ball across a field.

“I’m serious.” Jason laughs, but then his eyes dim a bit. “I played for Metropolis U. Tore my rotator cuff, and uh…that’s it. Scrubbed. Had to start over.”

You dim along with him. “That sucks ass. I’m sorry.”

He snorts, almost spilling his coffee. “You’ve certainly got a way with words.”

“But you feel better for me calling you old, don’t you?” Your pen taps on your lip, and his eyes are drawn to the gesture.

He also notices your eyes, the shape of your face, the shade of your hair, the black Fleetwood Mac shirt (with a ripped V hinting at cleavage). It doesn’t exactly scream T.A., but you’re pretty.

Beautiful, really.

He tries not to notice that too much.

“Maybe a little,” he allows. He smiles behind a sip of his drink. It’s getting cold, as he forgets to actually drink it.

“My parents sent me to college to be a lawyer,” you confess. It perks his interest with raised brows. “Like my mom, and my uncle, and his father before him, and so on.”

Jason’s smile is back. You consider that a small triumph.

“I sat in one class. Intro to Business Law.” You shudder at the memory. “Jason, I wanted to bludgeon myself with the textbook. And it wouldn’t have taken long. That thing was the size of a Dostoyevsky novel.”

Jason laughs, even though he doesn’t know who Dostoyevsky is. It does unearth a distant memory of his 12th grade English class (he barely passed that one).

“So, I decided to disappoint them,” you say ruefully.

That, he understands all too well. He raises a finger at you. “Hey, a teacher’s respectable. But I happen to be an expert at disappointed parents, so you’re in good company.”

You smile, small but genuine. Jason counts that as a win.

“What’s your major now?” you ask.

“Sports medicine,” he replies, but you both hear the lack of enthusiasm in his voice.

Your head tilts, and your eyes soften. Not with pity, he thinks. Maybe with understanding.

“You could find something else you’re actually passionate about,” you say.

Jason bites the inside of his lip, sets his cup back on the table.

“Sure,” he says.

His lackluster answer is telling, and he can’t even think of a joke to inject into this moment to lighten the mood. (He even disappoints himself there.)

“Look, I get it,” you say at last. “You probably ate, slept, breathed that game. Like that’s what you were put on this earth to do. And I know you must’ve been good. Because the fact that this school hired you while you’re still in college is amazing.”

He meets your gaze steadily. 

Your smile brightens. “But I’m sure football’s not all there is to you.” 

That touches him. Warms him even, though he’s reluctant to let it. 

“We just met, and you’re already sure about that?” he remarks. 

You shrug, gesturing at his cup. “Well, I’m sure that you probably have crappy taste in coffee. I’m broke as hell, and even I don’t drink from a Keurig.” 

Jason laughs. If you only knew that he’d spent his summer in Paris, sampling some of the best restaurants and cafés in the world without even looking at the bill…until his dad cut him off. Needless to say, he’s had to refine his tastes.

“What kind of teacher do you want to be?” he asks, instead of getting to all that.

Your brow arches. “You mean what subject?”

“Yeah. What, like physics or something?”

“Ew. God, no!” 

“What’s wrong with physics?”

“Too much math. I’m shit at that shit,” you reply. 

“Okay. No to the sciences.” He laughs and rubs his chin, squinting at you. “Let me see if I can guess.”

You gesture widely. Go ahead.

“Not economics, I’m thinking. Too close to business,” he teases.

“Business law,” you correct. “But you’re actually right about that.”

“Hmm, history?”

“It's interesting, but it’s also rigged,” you say. “Only the victors in society get to dictate what gets remembered. Just look at Columbus Day. What a sham that is.”

Jason allows that with a nod and a smile. “All right, what then? Algebra? Geometry?”

“That’s math, remember?” you reply, with furrowed brows. “Besides, I don’t like mixing letters and numbers. It’s not sanitary.” 

He chortles at that. You’re a little ridiculous, but he kind of likes that.

“Okay, how about English?” he says.

Your gaze flicks up to his. A small, growing smile. 

“What makes you say that?” you ask. 

“Process of elimination?” he says. His smile curves. He saw your little reaction. “But I don’t know. I get the feeling you’re a hell of a lot smarter than me. The way you’re talking, all quick as a whip… Like I said, you’ve got a way with words.”

You laugh a little. “Oh, do I?” 

Jason’s brows raise expectantly as he leans back in his seat again.

Well, then? that move says. “Am I right?”

Your head tilts, and you answer the unspoken challenge in his eyes. You raise a finger and pull out one of your notebooks and you take up your red pen. You tap the top of it on your lip, in what seems to be your habit, and you begin to write on a clean piece of paper.

Your hand moves with purpose on each word. Jason watches you in curiosity. Though when you realize he’s staring hard at your paper, your free hand forms a wall against his probing eyes.

“No cheating,” you reproach.

He scoffs, but he waits for you to finish.

Finally, you tear off the piece of notebook paper, fold it up neatly, and you slide it over to him.

“What, are we passing notes now?” Jason can’t help but joke, even as he opens the little gift. “I thought we weren’t in class, Professor.”

You shake your head. “Just read it.”

He starts to, and his smile grows. He glances back up at you. “You wrote me a poem?”

“Just a little haiku.” You gesture at him to keep reading while you start to pack up your things. The alarm bell just tolled for the end of class, and you have another job to get to.

Jason’s eyes lower back down to the looping scrawl of your handwriting. His smile deepens into a smirk.

Assistant Hottie

You flatter me, see through me

Smarter than he thinks.

He stares at your words for a while. He rereads the last line a few times.

By the time he looks back up, your bag is packed and you’re standing, ready to go. You smile at him.

“See you on campus,” you say. “I also work at the Writing Center, if you ever need a spruce up on your essays.”

“Can I get you to rewrite my history paper?” he teases.

“Make an appointment,” you counter, still with that smile. “And we’ll see.”

You leave the faculty lounge, and Jason feels a suspicious jolt in his heart.

Something he immediately feels guilty about. 

Because the real reason he came back to Kansas is to continue his summer fling with Lana Lang, a senior at Smallville High. 

Well, to him, it’s not a fling. He used to think it was as close to love as he’s ever been. Recently though, he’s been getting the sense that she’s still hung up on her not quite ex, Clark Kent.

That’s not even the most complicated part.

She’s 18, and Jason’s barely 20, but their relationship could still one day be the reason he loses his job…

And maybe, any chance he might have of being friends with someone like you.

AN: Lol no shade to my sciences, history, and math people! Just creating a character. Let me know what you think! 😉

And if you liked this...

Read the Sequel!

Check out "Miss Professor" to continue reading. ❤️

Smallville Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Jason Tag List:

(Includes "Everything" tags + "JT" tags.)

@sleepyqueerenergy @kazsrm67 @letheatheodore @agothwithheavysetmakeup @jacklesbrainworms @foxyjwls007 @wincastifer @ades106 @iamsapphine @simpforbuckyb @vanillawhiskeyflavoredkisses @roseblue373 @brianochka @branj19 @hazel-eye-coffee-shop-girl-blog @globetrotter28

@charmed-asylum @waywardxwords @deanwinchestersgirl87 @this-is-me19 @emily-winchester @mrsjenniferwinchester @jc-winchester @fromcaintodean @deanbrainrotwritings @jackles010378 @akshi8278 @rachiem4-blog @waters-2567 @jessjad @sweettimelady @iprobablyshipit91 @leigh70 @clinicallydepresso @lokigirl666 @xiphoidbones

[bunni-v1]

Congrats for 500 followers! If it’s alright, could I have A, G, J, K, P, and S from the sfw prompt list for Idia? Thanks!

🍓Thank you so much! I'm happy to have so many people who like me so much! This event is good practice for me too, and a breather from the intensity of the fic I'm writing right now. (I'm more excited to write for Idia than anything else, he's just so silly, you know?)

A - Affection: Idia is quite a nervous wreck when it comes to affection, that's for sure. Up until getting into a relationship, he thought the couples that were all mushy-gushy with each other were gag-worthy. However, now that he's in a relationship he's desperately craving that same kind of touch. He's like a feral cat, you've gotta coax him into it, and once he's into it he won't want to stop. Seriously, if you catch him at a good time he's so damn clingy. Lays on top of you, have you sit in his lap while he games, cuddles up to you during movie marathons, smothers you in kisses, all the nasty stuff. He'd rather die than be seen doing it in public though.

G - Gentle: Believe me or not, Idia is very gentle. Yeah, he's sarcastic and sharp with other people, but with you he's different. I mean, he's still... sarcastic and sharp, but it's playful and light. He's having fun and he's trying to make you smile, and that's his form of being gentle. If you were ever really hurt by something he said he might just have to end it all. Seriously, it would make him feel so bad, that he'd be groveling at your feet for weeks. Physically, however, I'd say he's gentle but really clumsy. He treats you like the most expensive piece of jewelry in the world, but he also has accidentally almost suffocated you under his weight at some point.

J - Jealousy: Idia is the most jealous man you've ever met. ("You know other men?") He's got an inferiority complex mixed with imposter syndrome and depression, leave him alone. He's not going to force you to stop hanging out with people by any means -- in fact, he's kinda jealous that you have so many friends in the first place. Still, he huffs and puffs and pouts about how much better they would be for you and how much happier you'd be with them. Again he won't act on anything unless he REALLY felt threatened. Like, if Vil ACTUALLY made a move on you? Game Over, Idia is running from his room to intervene.

K - Kisses: Just like everything else, Idia is an AKWARD kisser. It's not his fault he's so anxious, okay, he's doing his best. Idia's specialty, however, is lazy kisses. You know, the ones where you just lay next to each other early in the morning (in his case, late at night), and just kiss slow and easy, like there's nothing else more important. Those are his faves. Speaking of, he LOVES to kiss your cheeks -- you're just so cute when he catches you off guard. It's the same for him, your little surprise kisses on his cheeks may send him into a heart attack, but he does love them so much.

P - Patience (how easily angered are they?): He has a temper, that's for sure. While it's rarely ever directed at you, it can be kind of scary to see him rage. I mean, his hair literally turns orange and flames up -- and damn is it hot when he's angry. Still, his temper only really applies to things like games or tv shows, rarely would he ever have a reason to aim it at you, unless you destroyed his limited edition merch or something.

S - Security (how protective are they?): Idia is a VERY protective person. He's been through a lot, and he's lost a lot, now that he has you he won't be losing you. He texts you constantly throughout the day to see how you are feeling, and what you're up to. If you're stressed, you are always free to come to his dorm and raid his room for all the comfy blankets and yummy snacks you need. He also literally keeps an eye on you from the campus security feed -- if he sees someone bothering you, either he or Ortho will be there within seconds to ensure you're happy and safe. On the other hand, you standing up for him and making him feel like he's worthy of your love and all the good things he has is all he ever wants. It's all he needs.

[gottiewrites]

Amazon MGM Studios is developing the YA novel “The Loneliest Girl in the Universe” as a feature film.

Variety released the news today:

Amazon MGM Studios is developing the YA novel “The Loneliest Girl in the Universe” as a feature film.

Joe Roth and Jeffrey Kirschenbaum (“Anyone but You,” “Fast X,” the upcoming “Jackpot”) will produce the film alongside Katherine Langford, best known for starring in Netflix’s hit YA series “13 Reasons Why”; Seldy Gray will oversee development for Roth Kirschenbaum Films.

The project is in early development at the studio with Sarah Conradt-Kroehler writing the script, from a treatment by Gary Dauberman.

The Loneliest Girl in the Universe was first published in 2017. It was nominated for the 2019 Carnegie medal, named one of Barnes & Noble’s Top 15 YA Books of 2018, and shortlisted for the STEAM Children’s Book Prize 2019.

Romy Silvers is the only surviving crew-member of a spaceship travelling to a new planet, on a mission to establish a second home for humanity. Alone in space, she is the loneliest girl in the universe until she hears about a new ship which has launched from Earth with a single passenger on board. A boy called J.

Their only communication is via email and due to the distance between them, their messages take months to transmit. And yet Romy finds herself falling in love.

But what does Romy really know about J? And what do the mysterious messages which have started arriving from Earth really mean?

Sometimes, there’s something worse than being alone…

I’ve been holding onto this secret for four long years, so I’m beyond thrilled to finally be able to share it.

The production company, Roth/Kirschenbaum, made Damsel (Milly Bobby Brown/Netflix), Anyone but You (Sydney Sweeney/Glen Powell), The School for Good and Evil (Paul Feig/Netflix), Fast X (Vin Diesel) and The Gray Man (Ryan Gosling), so Romy is in very, very good hands indeed.

A movie deal is, obviously, a dream come true. It’s not something I ever thought would happen to me. I feel lucky enough to get to keep writing new books, let alone for someone to make an adaptation of something that came out of my brain.

The Loneliest Girl in the Universe is a very special story to me. I wrote it when I was 22, fresh out of a physics degree. On the surface, it was inspired by some of the physics I’d learnt about deep space travel at university, but mainly it was propelled by the complicated feelings I had about technically being an ‘adult’ while really just feeling like a naiive kid. It was about internet dating, and fandom as a form of self expression, and my complicated relationship with girlhood (as someone who no longer really identifies as a ‘girl’).

Romy is one of the most precious character I’ve ever created. I poured so much of myself into her personality; her insecurities; her flaws and strengths. So many readers respond to her vulnerability (and mine) with deep love. People have told me that they would die for Romy. That she’s their favourite fictional character of all time. That she’s helped them process so much of their own anxiety, trauma and imposter syndrome. That she’s a role model for girls who are deciding to study science at university. As a writer, it’s the biggest honour to have created someone who feels so real and important to so many people.

I can’t wait for Romy to reach a whole new audience on screen through Amazon MGM Studios. The team at R/K have a very clear vision for Romy’s story, and so much respect for her journey as a character. I’m very excited to see what they create.

I have some experience of the TV industry in UK through my work in the Heartstopper writer’s room as story consultant, but movies and Hollywood are obviously a whole new ballgame. I’m excited and nervous to learn more!

For everyone who’s been with me and Romy since 2017, I hope the The Loneliest Girl in the Universe movie lives up to all your expectations, when it launches (which might be a while off!). Thank you for sticking with me.

And for new readers, you can read the book now. It’s published in the UK, Australia, USA, and in translation in Indonesia, Brazil, Poland and Turkey.

Goodreads

Amazon UK

Waterstones

Foyles

Audible

Amazon US

“A strange, witty, compulsively unpredictable read which blows most of its new YA-suspense brethren out of the water.” – Entertainment Weekly

“Black Mirror-esque. A fantastic slow-build drama. Lauren James is a genius.” – SFX

“Gripping romantic sci-fi thriller.” – Wall Street Journal

“This slow-burning psychological thriller has a killer twist that will make you gasp.” – Bustle

And while you’re all here, a reminder that my next novel Last Seen Online is being published on August 1st. A scandal occurs within the cast of the TV show that Romy writes fanfiction about in The Loneliest Girl in the Universe.

Goodreads

Amazon UK

Waterstones

Audible

Foyles

Fill out this form to receive a signed postcard of character art for Last Seen Online - open to anyone in the UK who preorders the book before 1st August 2024.

A contemporary YA murder mystery set in sun-drenched LA, for fans of Malibu Rising, We Were Liars and A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder. When Delilah meets Sawyer Saffitz (son of Anya Saffitz, aka Hollywood royalty), she becomes hooked on a decade-old scandal. In her quest for the truth, Delilah uncovers blogposts written by the mysterious ���gottiewrites” and is soon caught up in a world of greed, fandom conspiracy theories … and murder. And the deeper Delilah digs, the more dangerous it becomes – because someone is willing to kill to hide the truth.

- Wren x

[nebula-award]

rottmnt headcannon time

Nov 5, 2023: This is from Jan 11, 2021 btw!! Old old old headcanons but I still like them

Raph 

(Head’s up- almost everything I headcannon on the big guy is me projecting)

-Genderfluid/Genderqueer (thanks sascha) Panromantic Demiromantic Asexual

-He’s the least educated on LBGTQIA+ terms (that honor goes to Leo)

-This kinda caused him to go through a sexuality crisis and for a while he thought he was aroace like Donnie until Leo helped him out with understanding the aro spectrum

-He has social anxiety. It’s a moderate case- little on the extreme side. (Let me project)

-He has separation anxiety (extreme case)

(-It’s kind of implied in S1:21A, but) I imagine Raph lost Splinter and his brothers in NY when he was little, and since then he’s had nightmares and fears of losing his family or waking up one day and they aren’t there. (Time to write some angst :D)

-Very introverted (unless he’s in a fight, then he pretty talkative because he’s more confident)

-Dyslexic (Donnie’s the one that helps him if he can’t understand a word)

-He tries really hard to finish the book he’s reading but either gets too bored, forgets about it, or reading it gets too hard (if it’s the third option he’ll try to read it again bc he doesn’t like quitting)

-ADHD (inattentive type)

-Chews on his mask tails (I love this headcanon so much and I do the same thing with my hair)

-Overprotective (like if you lay a hand on his family, you’re probably going to die by his hands)

-Loves food, like anything with tons of flavor.

-Not a fan of clothing. Even with clothes measured to fit him, he won’t wear them. He’ll do it if it’s needed for a mission or for something of importance.

-He’s a decent cook. Not as good as Mikey, but the family enjoys his meals.

-The only thing he can’t make is popcorn (He’ll always accidently burn at least one bag)

-Developed a minor dissociative disorder and his anxiety became more extreme when Leo became leader

-Tried to learn German (He’s not the best, but the words are easier for him to understand)

Donnie

-Nonbinary Aromantic Asexual

-Doesn’t mind he/him but prefers if people used they/them

-Ambivert (More of a introvert)

-Hates physical contact

-But LOVES compression. Every blanket he owns is weighted, his battle shell is a pressure stim, loves hoodies because of how heavy they are (Projecting, projecting)

-He has depression 

-Perfectionist

-Slight OCD

-When Donnie cooks, he’ll spend hours in the kitchen and no one is allow in. (It doesn’t taste good after either) (He’s better with machines)

-Knows a good of ASL (American sign-language) and JSL (Japanese sign-language) He studied ASL more than JSL because they live in NY.

-Learned some German when he helps Raph study the language, and French when he was helping Mikey, Leo taught him some Spanish

Leo

-Bisexual Gray-Aromantic Demiboy (Prefers neopronouns)

-He has imposter syndrome. He doesn’t feel like he’s doing enough for the team and copes by trying to seem overconfident. (This also plays a factor in his becoming leader as he feels like he doesn’t deserve the role)

-He has a dissociative disorder

-Extremely extroverted

-ADHD (hyperactive)

-Red/Green colorblind (hence why blue is his favorite color) 

-He’ll usually go into flight mode and freeze if he’s in really bad danger (the brothers have tried to snap him out of it) then he’ll joke it off

-Jokes are his comfort (Kind of cannon)

-NEVER LET THIS MAN INTO A KITCHEN. The last time he cooked, the lair almost burned down.

-Speaks nearly perfect Spanish. He picked up a few words when with Señor Hueso leading to him asking the Hueso to teach him Spanish. (He was a surprisingly fast learner.) He has a harder time reading Spanish.

-Loves singing songs in Spanish

Mikey

-Gay, (still haven’t decided a gender but I’m thinking agender, trans, or boyflux)

-Bites/chews his nails when his nervous, excited, or overstimulated

-Best chef award goes to him

-He’s the one that’s always trying something new

-Not a fan of learning languages. (It’s just not something he enjoys doing) With that said, he can read a fair amount of French, yet he can’t speak it as well.

April

-Omniromantic Asexual

-She’s a choir and theatre kid

-Introduced Leo and Donnie to the theatre world 

Mad Dogs

- They all are nearly fluent in Japanese and English. This is mainly because Splinter wanted them to learn a few languages and even encourages them to learn more.

- the turtles base their ages off April’s age (16) and who Splinter claimed the oldest and youngest to be. 

-They throw a Karaoke competition in the lair sometimes. (Leo is the reigning champion as always) 

-Leo and April bond over singing and sing duets all the time (No one in the base complains) 

-Leo and Donnie like to sing “Confrontation” from Jekyll & Hyde ALL. THE. TIME. 

-Donnie and Leo aren’t allowed in the kitchen. 

-Leo and Raph learn to co-lead

-Whenever Raph is having a (social) problem he’ll either go to Leo or April for help

-Splinter used to call them by the color of their marks Donnie was purple, Mikey was orange, Leo was red, Raph was green. (And I’m going to write a fic later I swear) (NOV 11, 2023: I DID WRITE THAT FIC)

[fuck-comphet]

Hi! I have a legit question: Do you think someone's sexual orientation can change during their lifetime?? (And just so I'm clear, I don't mean "conversion therapy" or an “off/on switch” or anything like that.)

When I was a teenager/young adult, I thought I was bi: crushed on boys, but mostly fantasized about intimacy with girls. But years later, after a head over heels/gave me stomachaches I was so nervous/I wanted to be her everything crush on a female coworker lol, I slowly came to terms with my lesbian identity. I remember feeling lots of imposter syndrome because I didn't feel like I was gay since birth like so many stories I'd heard from other gays/lesbians. Bisexuality was even more frowned upon back then, and I remember really NOT wanting to be bi. But I waited for the "other shoe to drop" on crushing on a bunch of guys which, aside from a couple "comphet crushes" (a married guy who was "nice" to me, and a male coworker who paid attention to me that all the other women in the office thought was hot) never really happened. I sure started crushing hard on women though! Lol. And after a breakup with my only boyfriend, I remember craving a relationship with a woman at the time.

Now I'm older and legit feel like I can't stand the idea of being with a man. My long term partner is a woman, but even if we ever broke up, I see myself seeking only women or other sapphics. Sure, I find a few men (mostly on TV, from a specific demographic) attractive, but I don't really feel anything when I see them in the wild. I'm only questioning myself after now seeing all the updated discourse on lesbianism (in my day “lesbian” meant “mostly or only attracted to women”) and want to make sure I'm properly communicating and naming my identity.

I feel like I went from “secretly bi" to "publicly identifying as straight but suppressing my physical attraction to women” to “lesbian” without looking back. It could’ve been comphet, I’m not entirely sure. Do you think it’s possible for sexual orientation to shift like this though?

I think Ricky Martin said something about genuinely having loved the women he used to date, but he stands firmly in his gay identity today.... I can somewhat relate. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts!

Hi friend! Your question is something I think a lot of people wonder about and I guess it can also be quite polarizing in online queer spaces.

I want to start off by saying that "lesbian" can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people, but the main thing I think most people agree with is that it excludes attraction to men. I want to follow that up with this: online discourse is online discourse, and real life people in the community are more real than any online discourse will ever be. If you currently feel zero attraction to men, and have zero desire to ever be with a man romantically and sexually, then in my mind you are a lesbian unless you specifically tell me otherwise.

In terms of shifting sexual orientation; I think anything is possible when it comes to human emotions and experiences. That's actually one of the main features of being human; we change, and grow, and adapt. There are as many queer experiences in the queer community as there are people. Also regarding Ricky Martin saying he genuinely loved the women he dated in the past; love is not necessarily always romantic or sexual, he could have loved these women as people, he could love them platonically, that doesn't make him less gay somehow.

I will conclude with this: why does it matter how you felt in the past vs now? No one else can tell you how you feel or how to identify, that's not anyone else's business but your own. There is no LGBTQ+ police, and if someone is saying you technically can't be a lesbian because you sincerely feel like you used to be bisexual, maybe you can tell them to kindly kill the cop in their mind. We don't police eachother in the queer community; we respect and uplift eachother.

As always, the queer community loves you <3

[puppygirl82]

I tend not to over share much. I am a relatively private person so sharing this is a huge step for me because I struggle with being vulnerable but I think maybe it's time.

I have spent so much of my life worried about how much space I took up in the world. Trying desperately to make myself as small and unnoticeable as possible. I learned early on that people are cruel and trust can easily be misplaced. So I closed myself off and in the process I lost myself.

I am a big person, with big emotions and sometimes, more often than not, that makes people uncomfortable. I let other people's discomfort control who I was, what I did, or more so didn't do, what I said and so on to the point that I never got the chance to find out who I was. I spent so much time being who everyone else thought I should be, who society told me I should be, that I never got to have those experiences most people had growing up. I missed out on so much because of fear. Fear of judgment, fear of being endlessly teased by my peers, fear of rejection from my loved ones, that now, I'm 40 and just beginning to allow myself to let who I am come out and meet the world.

The great part is I still have time to do it. I can still be who I am unapologetically. I can wear the clothing my 16 year old self wished I had. I can buy the things that make my strange macabre heart flutter. I can indulge myself in everything society told me I shouldn't.

Society dimmed my shine because I was different. I wasn't the traditional body type, I wasn't conventionally attractive, I wasn't interested in the traditional. I was however interested in the stange and unusual, I took up more space than most, I exist outside the social norms and that was simply unacceptable.

Now I get to undo all that and remake myself into someone I like looking at in the mirror. Trying to learn to love the face and body staring back at me. Some days that's the hardest part of existing but knowing only I can fight for myself. No one can save me from my own mind but me.

I can be open about my mental health struggles, my self doubt, my paralyzing fear of abandonment. Knowing that the anxiety within me, my dark shadow following me through life, just waiting for the smallest trigger to come along so it can scream "I TOLD YOU SO!" so loudly in my head that at times I can hear nothing else. Knowing that inner monolog of how much of a failure I am isn't going anywhere, all the voices in my head telling me that everyone would be better off without me is just my brain lying to me. Trying to trick me. But also knowing that I am trying to obtain the tools to manage it in a healthy way rather than a toxic one. I can admit that I have days where the sun physically makes me sick and I want nothing more than to not exist. But those day pass and I have days where I see beauty in thunderstorms and tranquility in darkness and joy in madness.

I can acknowledge that I am somewhere on the spectrum and things that I never understood about myself, finally make so much sense now. Finding out as an adult why loud sounds and bright lights are so overstimulating. Why crowds send me into a panic, why simple textures and smells can make me gag when others are unaffected. Knowing my fidging and restless and unfocusedness came from somewhere. Why I bust out singing the most inappropriate of things in a snappy tune just to release the nervous energy because it has nowhere else to go. Understanding that my brain simply just works differently than others.

Giving myself to grace to know that even though I fell hopelessly in love with a man, I still prefer women and that does not invalidate me. Struggling with imposter syndrome rearing it's ugly head on a near daily basis but understanding that it's just my mind playing tricks on me. Allowing myself to admit that I am demisexual and not being ashamed of it.

Pride month is about so much more than just celebrating our sexual freedom. It's about finally have a safe space to exit openly in a society that has tried it's damnedest to snuff out the whimsy of the world. Pride month is about acceptance, openness and compassion just as much as about pride. I am happy to be part of such a beautiful colorful community.

With all that being said Happy Pride month to everyone in the alphabet mafia. 🌈

If sharing this little glimpse behind the curtain helps anyone, in any way to feel even a little bit better, accepted or understood, than my job is complete. However, if you are reading this and it makes you upset or uncomfortable in any way, well you know where the unfriend button is and I encourage you to use it. 😉

[aphroditestummyrolls]

Hello hi

I am seeing a lovely man (cishet) that I really like seeing. He is kind and patient and open minded. It makes me nervous to talk about my gender with him, but he’s only made me feel better and more at ease about the whole thing.

I’m non-binary.

I really like him and want to see where this goes, but sometimes I feel like??? I’m “betraying my gender”??? Or wonder if this makes me “less” non-binary???? Am I a poser or a liar or an attention seeker??? When I talk to him, I’m telling him the truth— my non-binary-ness is in my clothes and my hair and my occasional binder and my switchy pronouns, I don’t want to make any permanent changes to my afab body. I don’t want top surgery (most of the time lol) and I don’t want to go on T. I don’t believe that a masculine-coded baseline should be necessary for androgyny, I don’t want to look like a man. I want to look like a weird goddess or cunty art project. Im not a man or a woman, I’m just some guy, and a babygirl, and neither at all.

I realise logically that only I can define my gender and if anybody ever tried to gatekeep that from me, I’d throat punch them. But… am I queer enough? Does staying in my “feminine” body and dating this cishet guy and looking to the outside world like a het couple invalidate my queerness?

Regardless, I really like him and I’m gonna take it a day at a time. If we were to stop seeing each other, it would be because he didn’t want to see me anymore— I’m invested in this. He’s wonderful.

But, the gender imposter syndrome? AH.

[weepingwitch]

man nothing makes my ego bigger than seeing the ppl in my cohort chat all commiserating about feeling nervous/imposter syndrome/scared of the work/etc. like we're just reading things and writing about them that's the easiest part none of this is actually real it's just thoughts!

reading pdf pages and having critical thoughts on them is like eating or breathing to me at this point.

what would this author say in response to this other authors argument is just like. how i fundamentally understand things and concepts

[redheadbigshoes]

Hi! I have a legit question: Do you think someone's sexual orientation can change during their lifetime?? (And just so I'm clear, I don't mean "conversion therapy" or an “off/on switch” or anything like that!)

When I was a teenager, I thought I was bi: crushed on boys, but mostly fantasized about intimacy with girls. But years later, after a head over heels/gave me stomachaches I was so nervous/I wanted to be her everything crush on a female coworker lol, I slowly came to terms with my lesbian identity. I remember feeling lots of imposter syndrome because I didn't feel I was gay since birth like so many stories I'd heard from other gays/lesbians. Bisexuality was even more frowned upon back then, and I remember really NOT wanting to be bi. But I waited for the "other shoe to drop" on crushing on a bunch of guys which, aside from a couple "comphet crushes" (a married guy who was "nice" to me, and a male coworker who paid attention to me that all the other women in the office thought was hot) never really happened. I sure started crushing hard on women though! Lol. And after a breakup with my only boyfriend, I remember craving a relationship with a woman at the time.

Now I'm older and legit feel like I can't stand the idea of being with a man. My long term partner is a woman, but even if we ever broke up, I see myself seeking only women or other sapphics. Sure, I find a few men (mostly on TV, from a specific demographic) attractive, but I don't feel anything when I see them in the wild, even the good looking ones. I'm only questioning myself after now seeing all the updated discourse on lesbianism, and want to make sure I'm properly communicating and naming my identity.

I feel like I went from “secretly bi" to "publicly identifying as straight but suppressing my physical attraction to women” to “lesbian” without looking back. It could’ve been comphet, I’m not entirely sure. Do you think it’s possible for sexual orientation to shift like this though? I think Ricky Martin said something about genuinely having loved the women he used to date, but he stands firmly in his gay identity today.... I can somewhat relate. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts!

Hi! I think 99% of the time people’s sexuality doesn’t change, what happens is that most of the time people are bisexual but their preference can change and make them think they’re either homosexual or straight. Bisexuality can be a fluid identity, a lot of bisexuals can change their gender preferences over time, but I feel like those preferences just change, not that they actually stop being attracted to a certain gender. This also goes to aro/ace people (imo), their amount of sexual/romantic attraction might change over time but they’re still in the aspec.

Also when it comes to gays and lesbians who used to identify as bi before they figured out their identity, it’s not that they once were actually bi, they just took more time to figure out their lack of attraction to the opposite gender. This also goes to the opposite situation: someone who used to identify as gay/lesbian but later started identifying as bi. I honestly think they were always bi but they just had a heavy gender preference that made them think they weren’t.

I’ve seen some people bring up a situation where there was abuse and trauma involved and that trauma made them stop being attracted to a certain gender or made them be attracted to a certain gender. I’ve never been through anything like that, and though maybe that person’s sexuality could’ve actually changed, I think what happened is that after that trauma they suppressed their feelings towards a certain gender, and maybe those suppressed feelings made them realize their attraction to another gender (that attraction was always there but never really explored).

Idk exactly what Ricky Martin said, but maybe that love for the woman he used to date isn’t sexual and romantic, there’s other kinds of love that do not involve sexuality. Maybe he just really cares about that woman and he loves her platonically, but was never sexually and romantically attracted to her.

[foggysirens]

Hey, about your imposter syndrome post.

As I see it, it really doesn’t matter how bad you think you are on fandom spaces, there are no consequences for being a good or bad fic writer. Just do your thing and best case scenario people will like what you wrote, worst case, people will not. Literally doesn’t matter at all, people (including you) are just having fun, if it’s not fun anymore, and it’s causing you stress, maybe looking into other hobbies can be a healthy alternative, but there is no reason why it should not be fun.

Save the imposter syndrome to your workplace or college where it can be weaponized by your mediocre male peers as the capitalist God intended lmao

hey anon!

i absolutely agree with you! fandom is something that should absolutely be fun! writing fanfiction is something that, if it’s a hobby you partake in, should be fun! i’m well aware that in the scheme of things that this is all just for fun, that fandom is for fun and fanfic isn’t all that serious. and as i said in the tags of my original post- fandom is fun for me. i get great enjoyment from blogging about my silly little shows and talking about the characters i love. but sometimes, and i think some fellow creators here will agree with me, as much as you love and enjoy doing something, putting things out there for others to see can make you feel a little anxious. can make you feel like an imposter when you see so many great works of art and fic out there- or when you see big fandom discussions and discourse that aren’t all that fun. i don’t think that means i should quit, or stop or find a new hobby- and that’s on me if my original post i made it sound that bad, like i haven’t been feeling awesome but, as i said, im still enjoying fandom. because i do agree that sometimes taking a break from fandom is for the best. it’s all for fun and yes, untimely fandom and fanfic is something you should do for yourself first.

my biggest issue is that i let my anxiety and insecurities get the best of me sometimes. even with things that are just for fun, because writing is something i care about and i get in my head. it’s my favourite hobby and sometimes when you care about something, no matter if there are any consequences or not for writing anything good like with fanfiction as you said, you’ll get nervous or anxious, because you’re still sharing something you made. worked on and put time into. and it’s easy to sometimes compare yourself to others, even in a more easy-going, fandom space, and feel a bit down on yourself. we are our own worst critics sometimes.

but thank you anon really, i didn’t mean to go off on a rant because i really do agree with you- i do. it’s good sometimes to remind ourselves to not take ourselves so seriously, especially with fandom when you can get caught up in things so easily, but it’s also a mindset that you have to grow into. work at. to just chuck your anxiety and insecurities out the door, even when logically you know they’re silly, but sometimes it’s not that easy. and that’s just brains for you. i wish i could just say fuck it like you suggested, and i hope one day i will. for now, i will, as i said, work on it and just try to remind myself to take it easy and chill.

and honestly? id rather my imposter syndrome be towards my writing ability and fics, cause ill be damned if i ever let some mediocre man make me feel that way lol

[yourcaramelfairy]

Imposter Syndrome

I typically shy away and try my best to stay out of situations where I feel like I will be uncomfortable. But then I took this new job and I knew that it would push me out of all the comfort zones. But it wasn’t supposed to be this heavy, this is a work from home job. But now, here I am, sweating through my sweats in anxious anticipation as the flight got closer and closer to Hawai’i. As I got closer to meeting my coworkers for the first time ever. After faking it til I made it. 

Now, here we are. Can I continue to fake it until I make it? Will all of my coworkers see me as the fraud that I feel like?  Why am I so scared? So anxious? So nervous? Do I not deserve to be here? Or maybe I don’t believe that I’m in the right place. 

I did a pull before I left this morning. Pulled from my goddess deck to see who I could call out to, who I could talk to when I’m not feeling myself. I got Aeracura. Goddess of blooming. And I saw it as a great sign. I saw it as a way to help guide me through my breakthrough with my coworkers. To help me get out of my bubble and blood into what I know I can be. I had hope. 

But as the plane gets closer and closer to the destination. I’m more aware of how I’m sweating through my hoodie. How I can smell myself, even though I was in denial, thinking it was the man in front of me. I’m sitting here freaking out and doing my breathing exercises to calm down. But, the tears are still stinging behind my eyes. 

I felt anxious days before this. Probably why I was so slow at finishing up packing. Because like I kept saying, this all felt so surreal. Growing up, I knew we weren’t struggling but I also knew that we were vacationing at home in Nola while my friends were taking actual trips. Me getting excited to skip school for Mardi Gras, but sinking into my seat when people talked about the places they went overseas. Loving the fact that my mom married into the military, because I’d be able to brag about being a military brat, regardless of only ever being to Louisiana, Texas or Florida. My first time further north was moving because of my stepdad. 

And I still hate conversations about where I’ve been. I judge myself because I don’t have the same experiences as any one else. And I know I know, everyone has their own experiences. But have you ever been on the receiving end of a stare from somebody who is finding out you haven’t been anywhere before. They say with great exasperation “oh, you’ve never been xyz” or you should go to xyz, like I can pick up and easily move. Have you ever been on the receiving end of a “you’ve never had a passport before?” The stares, the questions, the feeling like you are being reduced to where you’ve been and not for who you are. 

I’m so anxious and tears are stinging and I’m freaking out more and more. I’ll try my best to be strong when I get around all these people that I feel like a fraud around. I’ll try not to shrink myself down so that I won’t have to answer questions that might reveal who I am. I want to be proud, I hate not feeling proud of how far I’ve made it. I need to stop reducing my own feelings. I need to stop reducing my experiences because they don’t add up to anyone else’s. 

But it’s not like I can turn around now. Definitely can’t run away. I’ll just have to smile and continue to fake it until I make it. Work on my breathing exercises. Work on writing my feelings down as the hit. Letting myself feel but not letting it overwhelm me…but damn would I kill for something to take the edge off…at least I know that alcohol takes me out of my shell…let’s just hope I stay responsible and don’t let my secret out. 

And time slowly counts down and down and down, as we get closer and closer and closer, and my pits have turned into waterfalls…

[thehomebodydiaries]

i’m exhausted. i feel like i haven’t really had any alone time for like a month, but i’ve also been having increasingly disturbing thoughts when i am left to ponder alone. and people wonder why i need to be stoned all the time.

retail therapy is scary, though. i’ve recently recalled how much i love to read (escapism is a hell of a mistress), so i’ve spent way more money than i should’ve this past week. quite a stress point, tbh, but i’m justifying it because i was out celebrating my third year anniversary with my boyfriend. we happened to celebrate on free comic book day, so we went to acme comics and i was expecting, like, two free comics. but when we walked through the door, there was a girl to the right with a table holding stacks of plastic bags all filled with like sixteen comics, and she just held out a bag and said, “free comic books?” to which i responded, “yes please!” and then i proceeded to spend $80 on more comics, one of which is old man logan. for those of you who don’t know, it’s a comic that was actually intended to be a standalone, but there have since been additions, and this is the comic that inspired the movie logan. it depicts wolverine as an old man with his healing capabilities slowing down tremendously; the world’s supervillains have banded together like the heroes do, but because there are more villains than heroes, they’ve killed the vast majority of heroes: captain america, iron man, thor, daredevil… it’s a really depressing comic book, honestly, but it’s amazing all the same.

this is random and irrelevant but my favorite fnaf character has changed from fun time foxy to puppet - i adore her and want a life sized version of her to put on my couch. she reminds me of a d&d character that i created in my homebrew world; his name is face and he’s a sentient wooden puppet that’s like five feet tall and has no facial features so he wears a mask and speaks telepathically to people, but is entirely silent until he trusts someone enough to know his secret.

i also got a cute new cup and an all black sanrio cinnabon stuffie that looks perfect on my bed, plus several books that i should not have bought because they’re expensive. i’ve been writing a lot this week too! my ability to get everything i write at work is hindered though because i can’t access certain things from home or my phone because my phone is way too old and won’t updated to the necessary versions to download certain apps. so i’m trying to brainstorm while i’m at work and actually write while i’m at home… but with two or three hours in between breaks, i have a lot of ideas, and remembering all of them is difficult. i might have to convince my boss to send them to me somehow… although i have to admit i’d be a little shy about him potentially reading it. i don’t think he’s much of a reader, and i think he’s kind enough to not read it if i asked him not to. idk, we’ll see.

holy shit palworld is way harder than any pokemon game i have ever played, but it is so addicting. speaking of video games, i’ve been really wanting to make a save file for the sims 4, so that might be something i do during a stream. i think i might try to stream on the weekends, but i’ve gotta redo quite a few things and make sure everything is good to go. i know exactly who i’d want as moderators for when they are necessary, but i would be lying if i said i wasn’t really nervous about streaming. i know i don’t want to use my camera just yet, and i don’t exactly have money for a v-tube artist right now, but i have been meaning to look at artists i would like to hire when i do have more disposable income. this imposter syndrome is just… a huge obstacle. if i can learn to cope with it or overcome it, i’ll be unstoppable. but it’s so much deeper than my meds can reach, and it’s so difficult to find the energy to fight something so rooted in my being.

alright, i didn’t mean for it to get that dark, but… i did say i’ve been having increasingly darker thoughts lately. and rants like that are exactly why i started this blog to begin with. i am learning how to love myself and give myself the life i deserve.