#it was so fucking scary and i feel a little sick

[00000000point00000000]

so i got like 150 cals too much today (shoulve been 300) bc i was travelling for like 6 hours and my day was PACKED.

had 2 eggs for breakfast and fried them in water which, lets be real, doesnt fucking work. visited my family and had a salad with cranberries, lenses, quinoa and a little bit of feta for lunch while spending some time with the reason i have an eating disorder (my mum) and drinking her beloved detox tea.

had a huge anxiety attack when i got home (note to self, dont drink coffee) and ate some of the food (broccoli and tortellini) my boyfriend made. i dont feel really bad about it bc i probably burned it off today anyways and will cut the amount of calories from tomorrow too. still stings a little thoooo. im proud of myself for just eating a little bit and not giving into the urge of shoving the whole pot down my troath🥰

anddd i told my boyfriend yesterday that i kind of relapsed and he was so understanding. i know hes worried but i also know he realized it before i told him, so its better to be honest right away ig. he promised not to force me to eat but im not sure how this will play out when it gets really bad again. it still feels right, at least i dont have to lie to him now.

my body is getting used to not eating as much i think, which makes it easier to get shit done. so thats great! but lets be fr, relapsing is so scary. especially when your logical side and your sick side are like two different people. bc there is a voice in my head that says "wtf are you doing to yourself". its just not loud enough.

if you hear that voice, try to listen. reach out, recover, get your life back. coming from me thats pathetic, i know, but i genuinely wouldnt wish this shit on my worst enemy and im so fucking sorry for everyone who has to live like this.

anyways, enough food for thought🥰

i had a glass of white wine with my friend. idk i just feel like drinking is such a waste of calories, i hate that a beer is 250-300. like??! but im not 16 anymore so theres no way im drinking vodka on an empty stomach😭

feeling: tipsy🤪

[incohorace]

i just had the worst fucking nightmare i've ever had in my entire life.

[pyrriax]

ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏

[lynxalon]

HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT THAT CRITROLE EP WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! im SO glad we had the set up of the last one so we could have the big thrills of this!!!!!!!!! this had everything!! it had ira's bad (and good!) decisions! it had sam's out of pocket wacky can shenanigans!! it had deception and sneaking! it had badass plays and some.. eye-catching talents 👀 it had gross shit that's kinda actually sad if u think about it! it had walking (running) away from explosions (NOT a sunglasses moment this was a loserfail) it had .. terrifying parents. it had imodna momence !! :D it even had some unprecedented wins for our typically fighty/flighty adventurers!!! i will ABSOLUTELY be watching that again come monday!!!!!!!!!!

[just-rogi]

.

[muttsona]

i hope i die, you broke my heart

[satache]

I love weekends together so much!

We did so much and it was so nice to have a weekend like that because they never really happen. We started this car journal thing and are gonna write down everything we do together and all the adventures and stuff we plan to do etc! It’s so cute. He makes me very happy and I love him so much. I am very lucky! I love him dearly and he’s the best thing that has happened to me.

[pepprs]

mutuals i got myself into a situation so sticky i don’t even know how to describe it (edit: *describes it* lol). please send thoughts of successful escape my way lol

[istherewifiinhell]

anyone wanna get emotional about collaborative art with me?

[Mirage 19 Story: E&L, Layout: Eastman, Pencils: Jim Lawson, Inks: Laird, Letters: Steve Lavigne]

ID from alt: Cropped section of the page annotations by Laird, (relevant) text: Page 18 is also the beginning of what I think of as "Brick hell" - Jim drew so many panels with hundreds of bricks in them, and I felt obliged to ink them all in. That was a LOT of bricks." Left is a panel showing Raph running down a curving brick tunnel, the wall is drawn with individual bricks, uncountable amounts of lines that illustrate the curvature.

If not, enjoy brick hell instead (I'll leave, just a doozy of a brick hell image at the end)

(this issue has beautiful layout paneling, which little snippets of could never replicate. great one to check out. imho)

come one come all to the worst barn party of the decade...

[IDS AND ALTS THE SAME]

ID: Jones family barn interior. Mike and Don speaking to Raph (off panel). Mike, in an open gesture: Life is good here... It's given us time to heal, to accept what's happened. Leo's needed this time, too--. Don, by his work table, no mask, wearing an apron. More neutral: We're not the guardians of society, Raphael... we never were. END

ID: Three panels, Raph pushing Leo around, yelling at him. The background moves from uninked, to midtone, to dark tone, as they both get more angry. Raph: No-- You're hiding out here... scared to face facts... And you're dragging all of us down with you! Fun and games are over, Chump... Look at yourself! END

ID: Two panels, Raph looks down to a wooden sword Leo (off panel) has held up in his way. He looks at it, unimpressed. Then looks up, pissed off and says only "Mistake." END

1. Three panels, Leo in the forground, just his leg seen. Raph on the floor against a wall. He whips his chin, saying "You were always good, Leo...". Close up, spit hangs from his mouth, continues "... One of the best..." He stands and finishes "...Which makes life here even more of a crime."

2. Four panels, Leo has Raph in a choke hold, holding him from behind, they are on the floor. Sweaty and teeth grit with exhertion. Leo says "--Do you hear me?!" Raph starts throwing punches to Leo's head, just above his own. As each one land we close in on Leo's face. END

Well. Thats great. Ill eat my own heart out how abouts.

AND ANYWAY. My favourite favourite effect.

ID: 1. Four panels, Leo, Mike and Don, run along a roof top, grab some fire escapes, and make their way to street level, skirting the edge of a street lamp's glow. The entire set is pen inked normally, and washed completely with the mid tone, save the small circle around the lamp, glowing white.

2. Large panel. Raph, 3 point lands, kicking up dust in the center of a spot lit section of sewer. The tail ends of a hood he wears trail up with the motion. Very little double-tone is used on the page, instead the shadow is communicated by increased hatch lines still following the shapes of every object in shot. END

ID: Raph sits in the tattered remains of the turtles lair, his brothers shadowed in the foreground. Raph, not very warmly says "Welcome Home." END

Okay okay. cry forever and every. please for the love of god. read comics. now. more brick hell

ID: Three panels, showing the entrance of a sewer tunnel into a larger area, closed and open pipes along the wall. The shot holds empty for two panels, then with the inclusion of Raph jumping out the exit in the third. If you are to look carefully. You can tell, though the scenery remains the same, in each, the intricate pen inked brick work and shadows have been done three separate times. END

LIKE. I KNOW ITS TRADITIONAL MEDIUM COMICS. But sir.... SIR? Another annotations from Laird specifically. Have mentioned using the copier to place certain things in backgrounds.... i just.... SIR?

[ironmanstan]

So much work to do but im actually doing it which scares me more than the fact i have work to do and u can tell bc i keep fucking posting like this

[yellowhearther0]

girls when they are trying their best but their best isnt good enough 😔😔

[phagodyke]

venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍

haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(

[girlthativealwaysbeen]

i want to be the strongest most unaffected aloofest person ever but im literally the weakest saddest cries at every inconvenience type of person and man.

[episbep]

rehab day fourteen

walked past this number plate on the way back from the AA meeting in the rain - I would have used on this if I’d seen it back home by telling myself ‘it’s a sign’ but it just fucking made me laugh today, like what are the odds😄

forgot to write my daily diary but it’s late and I’m lazy so it’s gonna have to be done in the morning ig- today was actually another rly good day tho. Busy busy but good. Group therapy was uplifting, came out feeling rly motivated and optimistic. I presented my life story to blue group (wasn’t nervous til I was sat up the front waiting to present but they were so lovely in their feedback - one girl told me I’m “a little ball of energy” I love that thank u🫶 ✨ got lots of hugs after too. I had a 1:1 after lunch which was intense bc we spoke about my childhood and relationship with both of my parents (was absolutely not prepared to acknowledge that my mum is anything less than absolutely magnificent or confront some of the things we discussed but it’s helping me to understand why I’m an addict and where unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaviours began/escalated/were taught) and came out feeling kinda blue. My little crush in here (literally been by his side for the entire day he’s a fucking star) helped me feel better and I wrote him a list of 10 compliments lol bit lame, bit cute, it made him smile at least. We ended the day at the centre with auricular acupuncture which I loved! One roommate graduated after three months on the program and a new person who’s just completed detox moved into the house (he’s lovely).

Recieved a package from home with some goodies and a card from my mum but she expressed her lack of understanding around addiction and how it could become the focus of my life, how I put it before things that logically I know should be prioritised. I don’t know how to explain that to her, and I’m not sure that I fully understand it myself. Addiction is like a chokehold that you don’t feel able to escape from, for me it was at least. It almost became compulsive and I didn’t have any tools to work through my feelings, I just sniffed the uncomfortable ones away every time they resurfaced. Didn’t feel great after reading her card, like I think I just felt really judged and not understood? I’m gonna talk about it in group tomorrow.

I had some leftover pizza then we walked to he meeting which was so good, I felt uplifted by the energy in the room, the reading and the shares. Was in such a good mood when we left then seeing the KET number plate made me laugh so hard, talk about irony😄

[beloveds-embrace]

Idgaf abt how military works sorry yall but imagine the 141 gang having to do mandatory charity and no, not even Ghost can opt out of it regardless of how he says he’s honest to god not fucking fit to be visiting sick patients. But alas.

But they end up meeting you- frail, fragile, and sick you, no visitors around you. Though you look at them with curiosity and admiration, you keep yourself away, almost as if you don’t want to bother them.

You can’t help looking at them, though. You’ve been sick all your life- born to a mother who left you on the doorsteps of an overcrowded orphanage, left alone often and long for your body to just… fail you. You don’t think you’ve seen outside the orphanage walls and then these hospital grounds since your birth. You would be dead now if it weren’t for the CEO of the hospital taking pity on you after you turned eighteen and the orphanage cleaned their hands off you.

And so, you can’t help but envy them just a little. Strong, agile people in the military, bodies fit and healthy. Despite knowing they are always putting themselves on the line, constantly in danger, you can’t help the longing you feel. Longing you don’t realize is clear as day in your eyes.

The one to approach you first is the man you thought one of the prettiest men you’ve ever seen. He introduces himself as Kyle, and despite your silence- your interactions with others that are not doctors or nurses are far and few, and you are painfully shy- but he is nice. Gentle. Easily keeps the conversation going despite. He is so easy-going he has you grinning and laughing in no time. It catches the attention of a the Scot with a mohawk, who joins in by sharing even wilder stories. And then the man with the scary ghost mask, so often in their stories, comes to your little crowd. He is big, scary if the nurses’ reactions are anything to go by, and yet the only thing you’ve ever truly been afraid of is dying with a life not truly lived. So you don’t flinch or cower from him, merely ask if he has anything interesting to share with you.

The last you speak with is John Price. Captain John Price. If there is a man that can embody a bear, it has to be him. You are sure of it. Especially when you witness him smacking the back of Kyle’s head lightly after a teasing comment.

Maybe your chances of a long, fulfilling life are slim but today, just for today, you allow yourself to envision a life with them. Such a strange desire, a useless and wistful one.

“Thank you, for today.” You tell them quietly, when it’s nearing time to leave. Your hands are held in Kyle and Johnny’s, frail and weak compared to theirs. You smile at them, squeezing lightly. “I think this is the most happy and content I’ve been all my life. I won’t forget today.”

And in return? Neither will they. How could they ever forget you, the sweetheart in the hospital bed, your sickness keeping you away from the joyful life you deserve?

The won’t forget you. Not at all. And when you start receiving gifts, polaroids and letters and texts, you already know who is sending them to you.

It makes things just a little easier- your life just a little brighter.

Other works + help me choose a title for this!

[confetti-critter]

.....the pain in my ear is getting worse+it feels warm and like the hearing is muffled on that side. I'm gunna have to go to the walk in clinic, aren't I?