#it was just such an ugly feeling to associate w drawing :(((

[demonzoro]

i think after over a year of associating drawing with terrible physical pain bc of my prev workplace, i'm finally excited from the bottom of my heart to draw again :')

[oinkinpigprince]

Can I request Pim or Charlie x Gyaru reader?!

Sure thing! I don’t know much about Gyaru but my friend rlly likes the style so

Pim and Charlie x gyaru reader

Pim

He thinks your style is sooo cool!! He canonically watches anime(enough to have that iconic anime drawing style) so I’m actually 90% sure he knows what gyaru is, although not a lot he’s still able to recognize it

That being said, gyaru isn’t really represented good in anime(they’re usually bullies I think) so he might be a little scared to talk to you at first due to stereotypes

But he’s NEVER met a person he can’t befriend so he kinda sucked up his nerves and found out you were actually really nice!!

Pim dresses like a Mormon so even though you two are both kinda dressy it’s two VERY different styles. You’re both dressed for two very different occasions

He thinks it’s really pretty!! He finds more feminine looks really attractive so he thinks you’re really pretty, even if it isn’t traditional femininity he still likes it because it’s you :33

The more out there looks he has to admire, with the fancy eye makeup and heavy accessories. It’s def one of those ‘on the occasion’ looks but he still finds them really special

Learning about the history of it is really fun, he loves learning about people and cultures so Pim will read up on it on his own time just to impress you

Absolutely loves it when you take selfies with him, it makes him feel really special! He does some cute little poses and smiles really wide

Charlie

He has literally never heard about Gyaru in his life. When he saw your outfit he had to do a double take, it’s just something he’s never really seen so it was a little shocking

That doesnt mean he thinks it’s ugly or sum, he doesn’t really mind it after a bit and even comes to enjoy it! Thinks its really unique and kinda cool

When you explain to him it’s actually more of a counter culture thing is when he really starts to dig it. Really respects you for wanting to go against beauty standards in a way he’s never seen

Even though he wants to pretend he’s this confrontational macho guy he usually freezes especially when the other party is bigger. But if something happens he’ll always be there to defend you

But you usually are able to speak up for yourself well enough Charlie just admires you from afar. Always there to back you up though

You are the underdressed boyfriend and over dressed partner duo. People don’t even think you two would even be associated with each other w/ how Charlie dresses and acts

Kinda forgets after a while how wild you dress up until someone asks to take pictures with you. He gets it but it always surprises him because you’re just his partner to him

[armythings-love]

I’m gonna cry… I had an entire analysis for this typed out but my wifi is shit so it refused to post😭😭 anyways, this is based off of the @ladybugout-au permanent superhero team. I decided against doing Luka’s Cadmeancio suit because I 1. Didn’t want to draw him in orange and 2. I was already pushing it with making a purple/red Neurofoxin. Only reason I made her purple is because natural coloring obviously doesn’t mean shit to the character designers if Juleka gets to be a purple red tiger. Anyways, here’s my take on their suits!

Hecattack: I wanted to diverge from the furry/bdsm influences Chat’s suit got, so I gave him looser fit pants, a hood and combat boots. His suit was lowkey inspired by Red Hood’s design because, dammit, DC may be super dark, but they know how to design characters well (something MLB could stand to learn from ಠ_ಠ) anyways, along with the hood and paneled top+cargo pants+combat boots, I gave him cat-shaped knee pads, similar to Ivan’s turtle shell knee pads. You will also notice a trend with a lot of my hero suit designs, which is fingerless gloves. Yes, this’ll take away from the cat claw thing Chat had going on, but I’m ok with that. To go with his punk/rock band aesthetic, he got combat boots with the signature cat paw steel toes. His tail is pretty much the same along with the ears. His mask is also different, covering the bottom half of his face. This also takes away from the cat sclera thing the original Chat had, but Luka isn’t a furry so… also, the mask covering his mouth alludes to his calm nature and quiet personality, not feeling the need to play around, especially during a battle,which was where the original Chat erred most often. Luka also has very expressive eyes, so I wanted to push that, like, even if he doesn’t talk much, he’s still a good communicator. Plus, when cats are hunting, they’re quiet! Which the original Chat cannot relate to!

Ladybug: ok, so her suit is still pretty basic, since I wanted to stick with he AU’s canon description of her suit. The main bodice/legs are similar to the season 4 suit after she calls on the lucky charm, but the sleeves are slightly different. I also got rid of the “reverse” polka dots cuz they just look ugly imo. Her gloves are also fingerless, since I feel like that would 1. Lend better to doing yo-yo tricks and 2. They just look better (u_u) anyways, her hair is still the same, as well as her mask. It’s pretty basic but eh…

Neurofoxin: her design is also super simple, but I also wanted to veer away from the gaudy orange normally associated with the fox miraculous. If she can make her tiger suit purple and red, I can make her fox costume reddish purple!! She’s goth, she’s not gonna walk around in *o r a n g e*. And I stand by that. Anyways, like I said her suit is relatively simple, the panels of the suit modeled after Volpina’s actually, because despite how I hate Lila and her stupid sausage link hair, her volpina suit was pretty cute. Instead of giving her a jacket w/coattails or a belt/sash to be her tail, I decided to make it her hair, cuz even in civilian form it’s pretty long. I also decided that instead of a dark grey/black to purple, I’d make the tips the same cream as her “underbelly” panel, as I wanted to incorporate the cream in more than just that singular spot. I also pulled her bang back because even if she’s goth, she still needs to be able to see properly as a superhero. Plus, I like Juleka’s eyes, and I feel like Trixx would like her to show off more. Anyways, besides the morph suit and her hair being a bit longer than normal+a different color, she has a cropped leather jacket,same color as her suit. There’s also paneling on the side/back of her thighs/back that’s a darker red/purple color. Again, to go with her rockstar/alt aesthetic, I gave her combat boots as well, though hers are knee high, plus I forgot to draw the laces, but eh. Fun fact: I headcanon the Couffaine twins as being super tall for their age, but Juleka is taller than her twin for now+her boots are heeled.

Fukiya: for Kagami’s suit, I pulled inspo from someone else’s LBO AU fanart, although I can’t remember who’s it was. Originally, I was gonna go for a suit similar to Kagami’s fencing gear, but decided to go w the suit she has now so it’d be more reminiscent of a bee. I gave her a sleeveless, cropped kimono, the bottom of which has a honeycomb pattern and an ombré going from dark yellow to black. Her obi has two layers, the bottom layer being a bright yellow and the outside layer being black. Her sleeves are similar to Queen Bee’s, but with an added black line. Her legs are completely black with the exception of her knee pads, which are a bright yellow and octogon shaped. I wanted her to look more bee-esque than Queen Bee or Vesperia (her character design is 🤢) so I gave her the yellow torso with black limbs, than made the kimono collar thick to look like a neck ruff or smth. I honestly struggled with her design a bit but it looks ok in the end so I’m happy with it :) also, Kagami is the shortest because I said so!

Heavy Matal: oh, Ivan, you absolute teddy bear of a guy. I adore the Iván of this AU, he’s so sweet, a gentle giant, so I wanted to focus on making him look slightly softer than the rest of the heroes, despite being the turtle holder. I gave him his signature cargoes, although they’re pants instead of shorts when he’s transformed, a sleeveless hoodie, and “turtle”-neck compression-esque undershirt, the sleeves long enough to be, you guessed it, fingerless gloves! The only reason Kagami is the only one with full gloves is because I wanted to giver a more serious/conservative look. Mari’s been ladybug so long she deserves to have cute, fingerless gloves! Anyways, back to Ivan! His hoodie is two toned, like a turtle’s shell, with the front being a light green. It’s patterned to look like a turtle shell underbelly, with a nice big pocket to hold whatever. He wears elbow- and knee-pads, which are shaped like little turtle shells. He wears regular Vans-style tennies, and his mask is similar to Carapace’s, except it cover the majority of the front of his face (think Kid Flash), and is colored/patterned similarly to a box turtle, with red accents along his cheekbones and his little tuft of hair is his usual blond with an ombré to that same red. (Ignore the ear I forgot to color in plz, I don’t feel like editing anymore T-T)

Ok, so that’s it for today’s character designs! I’m working on redesigning pretty much everyone’s civilian and hero costumes. I haven’t mentioned on this blog, but on pretty much every Gabe!Salt fic I’ve read, I will tell you, whoever the hell designed most of the characters in MLB, you deserve to be fired and then arrested. I’m so sorry, but there’s no way ur gonna convince me Fashion Designer™️ Marinette Dupain-Cheng walks out of her house every day, wearing ugly ass ballet flats+”denim” jeggings in that shade of pink. No way. And don’t even get me started on Gabriel’s candy-cane, red pants and duck hair headass, because omg… that man is supposed to be a world renowned Fashion Designer™️, one of the best in Paris. IN. PARIS!! No fucking way. No way. I get, you want ur characters to be simple and easily recognizable, but that doesn’t mean they have to be ugly!! And I get it, Adrien’s supposed to have a model-off-duty look, but wth are those shoes? Plus, why does he never change for his photo shoots? He’s a MODEL! I get it, you can’t even spend money to change the transformation animation to whatever the characters are actually wearing but wtf??? If you were gonna have any kid’s show where we get to see a lot of different clothes/outfits, this would be the show!! Two of the main characters are fashion designers, one of the minor antagonists is the daughter of a fashion magazine owner and your other main character is a model. IN PARIS!! A city known for its fashion and “romance”. And ur telling me you can’t add a few more outfits to the show??? That’s called lazy writing/animation.

Ugh, sorry abt that rant, but the character designs genuinely piss me off. It’s bullshit.

I digress.

I’ll be releasing the main 4 kids’ redesigns probably on the 15th!!

[superemeralds]

Who is your oldest (like longest had) OC? When did you come up with them, or tell us what the inspiration was!

my oldest oldest OC is Diana, she's a sailor moon self-insert who's the princess of the entire galaxy (as opposed to usagi's pathetic reign over juuust the solar system lmao) and she was sailor star. To be fair thgouh, I did make her before i saw season 5 and that season ruined my entire lore and I kind of dropped sailor moon for a while after that akjfhkajsf but when i was 9 or 10 i started making this sailor moon season 6 comic where my oc was the main character obviously but i was also obsessed w like 5 other certoons and anime so it just all meshed together. also all the other characters wouldnt stop commenting on my character being sooo tomboyish and how she was seen as one of the boys and one conflict was her not wanting to be girly when she transforms... I WONDER WHAT THAT MEANT FOR ME.........🏳️‍⚧️

my oldest OC that i actually have like. well recorded inspo and history of (drew him lots, still use him sometimes) is saph.

he was my sonic self insert at first. in the very beginning he was sonic's long lost sister ♥ back then he used to work for eggman. also i only knew about sonic from sonic x and only the first 2 seasons existed in germany at the time i watched it, so i thought 1) shadow is one of eggmans minions 2) shadow is an ugly jerk and i hated him lol.

(the rest is under cut bc this came out suuuper long)

same story as last oc. at first trying hard to be girly, (also holy shit i found the poerfect img for this)

but that's uncomfortable so i'm making the oc edgy. (notice the "MALE NOSE!!!!") at this point the backstory was that he's a "clone" of sonic shadow and silver.

no wait even better. run around naked like the boy characters.

everyone always confusing the giiirl for a boooy and i genuinely got some hate for my character design bc i shipped him w shadow and wow u cant have a homo OCxCanon ship ewww lmao but oh well.

someone once dared me to do a genderbend and then i just changed the color from white to black and they were angry i didnt do a proper genderbend. while the anti version of the character was a proper girly girl with pink and sparkles and smiles and rainbows and skirts and frilly tops and stupid hairstyle. and ppl complained the anti looked more like a genderbend. (below is the "anti". i can't find the genderbend anymore)

for me it just was my first crack in the egg bc hey. i don't want to be preppy, i want to be emo. but im not allowed bc girls are not meant to be edgy. and im notally not projecting on the boy version of this character more than the girl one. nope.

with every year i reduced the hair pieces at the front lmao but ya after my egg cracked i focused more on making him cool andkeeping him gender neutral. Then i used him to prcess a lot of my ongoing hardships in life. the redesign also being bc of a big shift (well. yeah me transitioning socially lmao)

he's unfortunately associated a lot w that painful time so i don't use him a lot anymore

he came a long way though im proud of him. here's one of the most recent drawings together with his brother (also has lots of lore on how he happened but im not feeling like it rn to go on that tangent)

[exclamaquest]

with all due respect there is another layer on *why* human pet guy, a known racist and open fascist, enjoys “older fashion.” He explicitly stated he wants to keep slaves and emulates fashion from the Jim Crow era because he idolizes Traditionalism.

Also, not everyone - especially poc - are going to think that kind of styling is cute and quirky while knowing the context. It’s the same thing when some people get uncomfortable around rockabilly/50s aesthetics because their parents literally didn’t have voting rights back then, and they don’t want to be around people who look at that time period, even if it’s just fashion, with rose-colored-lenses.

People are making analogies about how he looks like a slave owner because he has also stated he wants to own slaves. People are making analogies about how he looks like a railroad baron because he is a fascist. The ideology aligns with the fashion statement, which is why people are drawing those parallels.

If you’re not a racist or fascist, don’t feel bad when someone says human pet guys style is giving colonization. I’m sure you are rocking that not-mutton-chop (I forget what you called it) in a amazing, stylish way he never will because you don’t have morally bankrupt political stances.

thank you for taking the time to write this! yeah I fully agree with you, especially wrt how he likely chose that look specifically because of the fascism-trad connection and his desire to bring back that era's bigotry.

the issue I have with the post isn't with that, it's that that wasn't really what anybody was saying. last I checked, there wasn't much of anything about his motivations (which again, important to talk about)--it was mostly "of course he looks like that" with a smattering of comments about how anybody criticizing the way people were reacting must want to fuck him or must want to defend his actions and beliefs.

the immediate assumption of sexual interest especially rubs me the wrong way. a common fatphobic viewpoint is that the only reason a fat person would ever be seen as good-looking, stylish, or attractive by others is because they have a fat fetish/are sexually interested in them. in this case, it isn't specifically about human pet guy, but rather about the furthering of a very pervasive line of thinking that hurts all fat people and those who love them.

again, totally agree w what you've said. and yes, people absolutely have a right to be wary when a strong interest in historical fashion is combined w other red flags, especially when they're interested in an era usually associated with heavy bigotry.

ig my main point is this: criticizing someone's motivations for their fashion choices, which are important to be aware of, is different than just calling them fat or ugly or a loser. you can do one without doing the other, and it's important to be precise when someone's appearance is being discussed. there are plenty of legitimate criticisms to be made of cybersmith--literally anything he's ever said or done--but they can be said without reducing criticism to his physical appearance alone or spreading ideas that harm others.

thank you again for sending this ask and opening up a dialogue, I really appreciate hearing your perspective, and you've given me a lot to think about. I hope this response made sense, lmk if I should clarify anything :)

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary398

10/24-25/24

thursday - friday

pumpkin patch was fun:

we just kind of stood around a while, we were gonna go out earlier but something dumb happened, my gf's mom broke her wrist because she went to go yell at the neighbors and decided, walking back, to cut across the little rocks between the houses, instead of just using the sidewalk. my gf's brother even, he was with her, saying let me help you, come on the sidewalk, and i guess she was just so mad about the neighbors being loud(??) that she had to walk back across the rocks and she tripped, in her flip flops, and broke her wrist. since she just had surgery on her shoulder, and that arm's hard to use, and this broke her good arm's wrist, she's now really in need of help, and this situation is so... i know that when someone breaks any bone of their own, they feel like the stupidest person ever, nobody else can find them dumber than they feel. but god. it's obviously sad, i feel horrible for her and when i heard i was really worried. it sucks. i wonder if she was drunk at all or not. but i don't know. this situation is so stupid, because she's also, how to put this, i don't know, basically racist about these neighbors. just that they're loud and not white i don't know. i get being bothered people play music loud late or something but how bad is it when you're separated by a few feet... like even when my neighbors partied when i was a kid, it wasn't really unpleasant. i guess it's different, when you sleep in the living room. i get telling them to turn it down but the way she talks about it. it's a little crazy. and how righteous she feels for fighting people. it's strange. it's strange how people can be like this, after so long, still be fixing to start fights with others, i don't know. i don't know what does it, and what makes it hard to not be like that for some, for that to be the only kind of engine in your life, if that makes any sense. like a productive internal force. productive meaning, well not what you typically associate with the word. life-generating i guess. feeding off of conflict like she does.

am i like that? i hope not. i like messing with people a bit, and being a hater sometimes. but idk. i try to keep to myself and do things mostly. that feels better.

today i did write, more transcribing, about 5 or so? notes app thingies, some bigger, some smaller, quite a few appended to other sections making it less of an issue of like, i won't need to find where to put them, instead, they're now parts of other big chunks that need their place.

i didn't begin drawing daan. i keep thinking though, doing all the characters i finished the game with, that would be a good milestone for me, art-wise, it'd make me learn a lot i think. so i hafta!!

okay, other stuff. tomorrow i'm gonna post pictures from the fair, but i have 2 days of selfies, here's from when we went grocery shopping, i thought it was a cute look idk:

and then me todayayayay:

i like how i look in these a lot... very not ugly but i felt ugly at the pumpkin patch. so... win some lose some i suppose.

maybe i'll say more about this tomorrow, i'll try to, i should try and think deeply about something... but there was some ai generated stuff at the pumpkin patch, super obvious, or, i guess not really, if you're looking you'd see but nobody's really looking. i guess i can just talk about it now but looking at it with my friends, pointing and laughing, and thinking about how these images just work because they're gestures of cultural images, cowboys, aliens, you know, it just functions, no one notices or cares, so i don't know. these images exist now as a sort of thing beyond even 'image' i mean they're like, you don't contend with it, we're so surrounded with images/spectacle that we don't even need to interact with the image, it shapes us, reinforcing us constantly you know, or reinforcing itself upon us, it's the mechanism ai imagery relies on. it's so odd. it's hard to feel positive about it in any way when confronted with it like that, like, here is this infinitely reproducible cultural image, forever, here it is kind of rotten, fucked up, but all it being fucked up and melty, obviously...faulty ? in some way, these faulty images, all that says is rather than something else happening, that's a muck that could be shaved off better off the infinite reproduction line, 3d printing bits that you need to sand down i guess. it's really really odd. it's just shapes now, shape of cowboy, alien, whatever, the shapes then tell you okay, i'm in this theme, i recall someone saying these things help us get closer to sludge, undifferentiated mass, something that makes me think of 'uncreated night' what milton described in paradise lost, it seems less like that, it really is so totally from a perspective, and maintaining a perspective that these images are useful, it's so custodial, it's so useful, it helps create something where something more abstract, something like a white wall, nothing but where you are right now, night in a dusty place with some rocks and terrible food, some rides, that's not just it anymore, you're somewhere a little more themed, it's easier to swallow because it shows you something. showing you something, everything has to show you something, ai imagery is really the endpoint of us needing to be bathed in images constantly, to have the spectacle unfold for us, for these things to be/surround ourselves with, subsumed by the image. it's not about the fact they steal even. it's that this perspective is reproduced, it's that it maintains it. it is mechanical maintenance of a perspective and ideology. i ought to be more... precise about this. but i'm sleepy, it's hard i hope i'm making sense. but this is the mechanism by which alienation is maintained, isn't it, that there's all these things, sketched out, reproduced, ways to be, and not just ways to be, but paths of enjoyment drawn out, not just paths of enjoyment, but images of history, images of out there, images of fun, refers back to numerous other things, we're now seeing the referring back, we're in the mechanical use of these images to more speedily keep up an illusion, the illusion never needed much work or creativity, it's why these are so ready to be used here, just as stuff in the background, that there is a background to life, that this is... life has a backdrop, places need to be certain ways. i don't know... i feel i need something more solid under me to speak about the spectacle here, and the custodial function but the fact, i don't know, the fact it's things you'd never give second thought to, only if you look to see the faults, it feels janitorial, a perfectly unthinkable place, as in, you cannot think about it, you pass through it, focus on the important stuff i suppose, the important part being that you're having fun and totally not being scammed by the ticket prices for rides... and that you're totally not absorbing images which quietly impress upon you, no matter how flimsy they are, what kind of place you're at, and the content of them, everything is so normal.

everyone thought that ai would always be so weird and fucked up, artists always try so hard to not have fucked up anatomy, but ai proves, as does some other art i guess, that if you make something that seems normal enough, people will vaguely look, as we all vaguely 'look' at plenty of images day in, day out, inundated with the things, and accept it.

it's complex and strange, it feels really strange. it feels like there is so much to express, seeing it in the wild like this, not just online, not just in something made to be on the computer, you know... and not from just... some guy, but adorning rides and games at the pumpkin patch. there's plenty of other things out there like that i'm sure, but this feels really, i dunno, these machines, you assume they're decently old, but this is like, they're so so so current, up to date. still death-trappy but the images are new and current, 'current' fidelities at least, it's so much, it's almost as if that aspect as well, within a fidelity that enables the looking past the thing, the creation of the profoundly normal image, the correct image, as in, it shifts, continuously, can be regenerated, but at its root, it will be the thing you remember or know. or the cultural object you know, without any real, as it's derived from some kind of fiction.

i dunno. is this silly? i guess. i try to remain ambivalent or, i guess, i just want my critiques to be different from those which defend copyright, they evidently are still, but it feels really odd to see it like this, just in a place for kids basically, you know. is this just where we are now? i thought it'd be a little bit out. but it's now, you know. i thought stuff like that willy wonka thing was more special. as in, i dunno, unique for being a scam. now that it's been figured out how to make these things reinforce the cultural norms and assumptions, i dunno. it feels very fast, and more easy, than it was with other art forms. maybe not. photography one could say, that was used quickly, anything i suppose always was. but the technology itself, the methods, they feel pointed at this use. passing under a range of being detected or cared about because of the way the images have the dslr high resolution thing going on. i dunno i don't know i dun know.

funny how i get up and walk around and get new ideas:

first, that this once again illustrates the super-human, not as in, super-human like superman or something, but super human as in very human, surpassing nothing, qualities of ai, that it is in line with thinking towards efficiency, ascendancy, teleology applied to all domains, everything can 'be better' and better means a streamlining of the factory floor. thought here as well about scenes from megalopolis, especially the one of the ape's back straightening, the posture... the posture, nothing post-human here this is the imagination directed at the future seeing how to work out right now, this is the teleological fantasy materially instantiated. ai images on carnival rides.

second, this is the more interesting and disquieting thing for me, is that what i described as flimsy images, and we have to be careful to not discuss the quality of these images in terms of ugly, and so on, 'poorly made', but qualities of believability, as in things related to fingers, stuff that convinces you, what you're looking at refers to reality or what one can see, at least, in some way. this is why artists pay mind to anatomy and things, and there are plenty who distort it greatly, but this is, even if done through automatism, even if pointless or something, or, i don't know, this is really beside the point, frequently artists will do things beyond regular or do things which may make their work unbelievable, regarding style, distancing themselves from 'life' or reality. why is it that ai gives me this sense of reinforcing it, i do not think it is because i am wrong, it's not really contradictory, it's simply that ai, by collating so many images, it mirrors a populist vision, it simply agrees with the basic image, it reproduces that thing, it's not flimsy since it agrees with that essential image, perhaps, it's flimsy in any sense of "believable image" and believable here does not mean you believe it is real, it really means, just that it has some tethering to formal constraints common even in kitsch stuff, that things be regular in 'that' way, as in, santa has 5 fingers, instead of, santa at the highest resolution possible, brightest cheeks imaginable, happy as can be. it functions on emotions in ways, as all kitsch does but it does so without needing grounding, or, we are beyond needing grounding because what is sought after, desired, and reproduced, are images which agree, again the populist angle becomes salient here i feel like, it agrees with the crowds, a futurism which propels strong images, or, useless images strongly.

okie dokie... i need to sleep,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[queenharumiura]

From [x] || @skarletchains Feel free to treat it like a standalone if you'd rather =w=

Haru slowly nods her head as she listens to him explain. She couldn’t imagine what he was going through and both the emotional and mental torment of knowing what happened to your friends and family because of something that was natural. She’d suppose the closest equivalent would be when anyone associated with the Vongola was being hunted down by the Millefiore in order to draw out the guardians.

“I’m glad that you were able to retrieve the eyes from the hands of those who wouldn’t respect them,” though she was also sorry that he had to go through any of this at all for someone who was young. Well… no one deserved this regardless of their age, but it felt more tragic somehow if it happened to a young person who had their childhood robbed from them.

Dipping into the kitchen, she prepares for him a cup of chamomile and lavender tea and sets it down on a coaster in front of him. “I’m always happy to listen or offer a cup of tea if you need it. It’s not something you need to apologize for.” She felt the need to iterate this fact. “You’ve seen a lot of the ugliness humanity has to offer at a young age, but there are still some good to humanity. She wasn’t really sure what else to say to him, as it was a delicate situation.

“I’m sorry that the world failed you and those important to you” she sits down on another couch with her own cup of tea. “I just hope you remember to take time to breathe. You aren’t alone and there are people in your life that care and want to help you.”

[gibbearish]

just took your uquiz lol! about being trans! what do you think it could mean if I wanted to be a guy but didn’t really mind being who i am? it’s not even any guy, it’s like specific guys (like actors,. I don’t know). Sometimes people say they’d rather be an ugly guy than a good looking woman, and I couldn’t relate less. Part of the reason I’m so scared about this (and it’s a big part) is that I’m just so terrified of being ugly. I’m finally conventionally attractive after years of trying to be, and now I’m scared I won’t be anymore. I’m wondering if maybe the first time i thought i was trans i went about it the wrong way (i was obsessed w masculinity, cut my hair, things like that). And is it even worth it doing anything about it if I’m not dysphoric? I’m also very scared about the finding someone to love me and also losing all my friends and family thing (100% will happen). This whole maybe not ever finding a guy to love me thing is really bothering me, too. You can ignore this I’m just venting a lot. Sorry.

hey friend! i think it could help out a lot if you looked into the idea of gender euphoria. the quick description essentially is the opposite of dysphoria, where rather than "being x makes me feel bad," its "being x makes me feel good". there's been a lot of discourse about this over the years and you will still find people out there who will be shitty, but as someone with dysphoria, i have always fallen firmly on the "you do not need dysphoria to be trans" side of things. i believe that if it makes you happy to be a specific way, you shouldnt have to hate being the way you are to be allowed to pursue that. i dont have to turn down a cheesecake just because i don't hate poundcake, suffering is not a requirement to get to the things that make you happy.

i will also say, to me it does sound like a lot of this struggle is based around your ideals irt attractiveness, and while that is very human, it sounds like you also know that your relationship with that is somewhat unhealthy? like, yes, people by and large want others to think they look nice, but that shouldnt come between you loving the body you're in. there are billions of people with billions of opinions and you will never be able to satisfy all of them, and if you try then all those opinions pulling in different directions will draw and quarter you lol. so to me it sounds a bit like itll be hard for you to really unravel your thoughts irt your gender until you're able to work through those hangups around attractiveness? or even that these may be something youll have to unravel in tandem

something that might help start that is next time youre feeling unattractive, rather than pulling away from that feeling or changing something about your look or wallowing in it, take some time to sit with it as a friend. ask it what's so scary about being unattractive. is it societal pressure telling you Girls Have To Be Pretty? is it your parents picking apart your appearance often? is it your friends treating you poorly because of your looks? figure out what it is that has created the unattractive=bad association in your mind, find who has been punishing you (literally or metaphorically) for looking "bad", and ask if you actually did anything wrong that deserves punishment by simply existing on your default settings, or if perhaps it wasnt actually about you at all, and was just about those peoples insecurities. when you pay attention, you start to notice that 99% of the time, attacks against others are defensiveness, they are insecure about something and something you did or said reminded them of it, so now they feel uncomfortable and want it to stop, and the way you do that is either investigate why, or take it out on someone else. and investigating why feels bad and takes a lot of time, so, yknow. path of least resistance, most people will lash out. and that does suck, but in my experience, realizing that made it a thousand times easier to not worry abt other ppls opinions' anywhere near as much. the way that i look is the way that /i/ like, not how society does, because im the one that has to live with me 24/7. society can deal with the horrific terrible burden of seeing me getting gas looking like a 1 occasionally, bc like literally how does that effect them yknow? theyre not harmed in any way by me existing and not looking how they want me to, and it would be weird for them to expect that of me because I Didnt Know They Existed Before Now so how could i possibly dress for them? and why would i?

(that can help w insecurities too ime is like. imagine someone else saying those things to you, would you think theyre an asshole and tell them to fuck off? if yes, you have permission to tell your brain the same thing)

as far as finding someone to love you, i definitely feel that fear but 1000% you have nothing to worry about. the adult queer scene is bursting to the seams with people who will want whatever it is that youre bringing to the table like a man lost in the desert for fifty years being offered a crisp mcdonalds sprite. "but what about-" yes that too. like, enough that they had to make a word specifically for cis people who Really Really Want To Date Trans People A Creepy Amount to distinguish between them and respectful ppl. i promise your dating pool is not small, you're just still in school and/or a small town and dont have access to them yet. give it time, you have decades ahead of you

as far as family and friends, honestly, yeah, you might lose them, im not gonna sugar coat that. and that sucks . so much. and i can tell you theres more people out there to befriend and that you can build a new family but id bet thatd hit about as well as it hits for me. bc truth is that yeah, you can make a new family, but that just isn't the same. there will still be a little hole in your heart reserved for the accepting and loving family and friends you deserved. and i cant really offer any advice on making that go away if thats how it turns out bc its still there for me.

but i also gotta say? the hole is a lot easier to deal with than the knife that put it there. theres still a painful spot but at least im not still actively being hurt More by them. so like im trying very hard not to just say "fuck em who needs em" here bc i know its not that easy and for a lot of people that isn't the right answer anyways, but yknow. thats what i did and im doing better, and at the end of the day i can really only speak from my own experience. either way, just know that there are in fact people out there who will accept and love you regardless of who you are or how you look, and in fact will encourage you to do things that make you look "worse" by society's standards if it makes you happy.

anyways. i hope that wasnt too depresso there, i think ill finish this off by addressing "is it even worth doing anything about it if im not dysphoric?": imo, yes, absolutely. there are parts of me that i wasnt dysphoric about before starting t that now make me ridiculously happy. i never knew i wanted chest hair and yet now i sometimes just sit here staring at it like "!!!!!!". you deserve a body that makes you happy. not a body that makes the people around you happy, not a body you can tolerate, a body that makes YOU happy. you could probably tolerate living in a featureless square apartment with all the bare essentials and 0 decorations if it was cheap, but would it make you happy? personally, i think you deserve to put up posters even if the world thinks theyd look dumb.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

What do you think Grima and Eomer are most scared of? Apart from being left alone with each other, of course :) I think Eomer is terrified of spiders - he has to ask Eowyn to remove them. Grima's fears are probably grander and more philosophical e.g. non-existence, failure, imperfection. But I bet he's terrified of weird stuff as well - exposed knees, clowns, steep stairs...

Oooooooh I love this question!! (granted I love any and all questions about these two)

[Oh god this got so long, I’m sorry but also not sorry.]

So I mean, it would depend what kind of fear we’re talking about. 

In terms of day-to-day fears/things that spook you or creep you out. I think Eomer has a REAL problem with house (mead hall?) centipedes. 

‘Too many legs, Grima. They have too many legs. I did not sign up for this.’ 

Once. when Eomer was like 10, he woke up with a house centipede on his chest and he’s never recovered. 

Grima just shoos the critter outside. Eowyn lectures her brother about their importance in the grand ecosystem. Eomer doesn’t care. 

Like when Eomer sees a house centipede all the hair on his body stands on end and he feels that cold wash of terror. I mean, if he had to, he could deal with it himself. But he’d be internally screaming the entire time. Stoic externally, of course. He is a brave rider of Rohan! But inside? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

-

I think Grima gets creeped out by uncanny valley things. Mostly dolls. I think he assumes 90% of all dolls are cursed. One time his niece left her doll behind and Grima had to lock it in a box and hide it in a storage room and he was still a little convinced that it was going to escape and murder them all. Chucky style. 

Eomer: I want to get my sister a doll for the baby she and Faramir are about to have. How about this one? 

Grima: W h y would you traumatize a baby like that Eomer? Are you a monster? 

Eomer: This .... this is a cute doll. It’s not going to haunt them. 

Grima: You don’t know that for certain. Look at those beady eyes. Always watching. 

Eomer: Ghosts and draugr are fine but not dolls?

Grima: My undead brother might be a pain in the arse but at least I know what to expect from him. Mostly his trying to eat people. But it’s within the bounds of reason. That fucking doll on the other hand? Who knows what it thinks in the dark hours of the night. Who knows what secrets it holds in its heart. 

Eomer: . . .I think I’ll just get the kid a stuffed animal horse. 

Grima: Much better. 

I also think Grima gets easily spooked by flying insects. Like once he ascertains that the sudden movement within his line of vision isn’t going to hurt him, he’s fine. But his initial reaction is to get up and leave very quickly and let Eomer deal with it. Grima has a strong association between sudden movements and getting punched. Reasonable, really. 

Shared thing? I think Eomer and Grima both find teeth to be really creepy. 

Eowyn: They’re just bones in your mouth. It’s fine. 

Grima: MOUTH BONES??? DON’T CALL THEM THAT. 

Eowyn: Mouth! Bones! Mouth! Bones!

Eomer: I hate all of this. 

Eowyn: Mouth bonessssss! 

Eomer shows up in Osgiliath, hasn’t seen Eowyn in like two years, she gives him a hug and whispers ‘mouth bones’ into his ear just to freak him out. Because they’re loving and caring siblings like that. 

Eowyn: My daughter is just starting to get her mouth bones in.

Grima: I refuse to engage with this.

Faramir: Babe, why are you like this??

Eomer: I brought this doll for her. 

Eowyn: That is so cursed, I’m surprised Grima let you buy it. 

Eomer: I don’t know, I think it’s kind of cute. 

Eowyn: hmmmm yeah well you’re sleeping with that thing over there so I don’t know that your judgement can be trusted. 

Grima: h e y.

Faramir: What kind of family did I marry into??

/

Now, for deeper fears. 

Eomer is the one who has a deep seated fear of failure. Of not living up to the expectations set on him from a very young age. Both as son of Eomund, who is like local hero 101, and as nephew to the king. Being orphaned at a young age, I suspect he had a lot of pressure placed on him to Be the Man in the Family. To Take Care Of Everyone etc.  

And it’s hard being the son of someone who has a bit of a legend around them when they’re alive, let alone when they’re dead and so they become an impossible standard to live up to. 

This isn’t to say Eomer is a stick in the mud and doesn’t get up to mischief. This is the man who drops sick burns for a living and can be described as “compulsively truculent”. Like, Eomer at 18 was absolutely a bit of a mad lad. But, there was always this fear and anxiety hanging over him of having to live up to great expectations - most of which he’s placed on himself but he’s not aware of that. 

Later, I’ve always headcanon-ed that he does a bit of that daft thing of comparing himself to Aragorn and is like “I’m not living up to the story book legend who rules the neighbouring kingdom” and despairs. 

Eowyn: You’re doing fine. And really, Boromir and Arwen run 80% of everything. Aragorn disappears into the mountains at any given moment. 

Eomer: But what if I’m somehow failing everything at all times? Have you thought about that? That I’m failing our parents and ruining our father’s legacy and destroying our uncle’s trust in me??

Eowyn: .  . . yeah that’s not happening. You’re fine. 

Eomer: BUT AM I???

Eowyn awkwardly pats his hand, ‘You’re fine.’ Eomer despairs. 

Grima: Can’t do worse than me. 

Eowyn: Yeah! You can’t do worse than Grima. 

Eomer: That bar is so low it’s underground. 

Additional to this, I think Eomer is scared of letting things go - like giving up control in situations. Because he’s got it into his head that so long as he is in control he can keep everyone safe and no one will die (i.e. his sister). And he’s terrified of things heading down the Road of Chaos. 

Which like, Eomer, good luck with that. You live in Middle Earth and Grima’s still around being the agent of chaos that he is. 

Grima: I’ve had a thought. 

Eomer: Oh no. Put it back where you found it. 

Grima: Too late, I’ve told Eothain and he thinks it’s great. 

Eomer: Gods preserve me. 

Eothain: Ok but hear us out -- 

-

For Grima - he’s got a long of weird, existential fears. The World Ending being the biggest of them. He’s got a bit of a nihilistic, hopeless streak in him that can get quite philosophical in terms of dread. 

But for more personal, grounded fears, I think the main one is that he’s terrified of being seen. Of being vulnerable. Because if people see him/know him, surely they’ll hate him and leave him and that would hurt so, so much. Therefore, if he’s mean to everyone, including himself, then people can’t hurt him because he’s already doing their work for them to himself. 

Yet, he’s also afraid of being alone and so desperately wants to love and be loved but doesn’t know how to go about making that happen in a healthy, normal manner. So he self-sabotages. Tells himself things like, “I was not a lovable child, and I’d grown into a deeply unlovable adult. Draw a picture of my soul and it’d be a scribble with fangs.” - Gillian Flynn 

This just creates a fucked up freeze/thaw cycle of “I want to fit in and belong somewhere, but if people know me they’ll see what an ugly thing I am, better that they don’t know me, so let me shut them out/be mean to them etc., no one cares for me because I am unworthy of it, this hurts a lot, and I think fitting in and belonging would probably stop it hurting, but if people know me they’ll see what an ugly thing I am, better they don’t ... so on and so forth.” 

So yeah. His deep seated fears of being vulnerable + being along make for some twisted thinking and lots of self-sabotaging. 

Grima; What is emotional vulnerability?? Never heard of it. 

Theoden: You could give it a try, you know. 

Grima: No. I refuse. 

Grima does that thing that Carrie Fisher talks about: “Of all the violence I have known in my life, I have not known violence like the way I talk to myself.” 

/

Thank you so much for the ask! This was an absolute blast to answer. I loved every minute of it. 

I love all Grima and Eomer questions. 

<3 <3 

[cloudysfluffs]

benrey!!!

favorite thing about them: the way he talks!!!! its so funny and reminds me of myself a lot shdfkj

least favorite thing about them: there is nothinghe is perfect <3

favorite line: AWMAN i have a couple!!! ummm ill give you a list:

"im a great cool, i feel a good...but you make me angry!"

"what did you do what the FUCK did you do to my Friend Of josh........."

"Who killed him? Who killed this?"

"can i just have a little bit of coins man........"

"its ONE button and you fuck it up."

"get me out of this BOX!!!!!!"

"*loses* OHHH JACKPOT!!!!"

"why is there a baseball? whats WRONG with you?"

brOTP: tommy!!! i think theyre besties

OTP: gordon!!! im biased towards this ship bc i got into hl first and ship gordon/barney

nOTP: umm idk!! im not into the fandom culture well enough to know who else people ship him with fjkdhs

random headcanon: benrey is a shapeshifting xen alien black mesa stole for research. to escape, he took the form of a security guard. the guard he stole his name/body from, though, he only saw in passing, which is why benrey looks so 'off'. but its also why i draw benrey and barney as looking almost identical hjdfsk

unpopular opinion: i think people take him a little bit too seriously sometimes hfdskj like interpret the character how ever you want!! not makin fun of anyone here!! but i physically cannot do anything too serious with him

song i associate with them: AWWMAN USUALLY I HAVE ONE!!!! BUT I TOTALLY DO NOT RIGHT NOW!!!!! uhhh maybe 'dont wanna know' by bo burnham! though i associate that a liiiittle more w hlvrai gordon/dr coomer, its still pretty fitting :) OOOO or maybe 'hand me my shovel im going in' by will wood!!! but i havent listened to that in AGES

favorite picture of them: hdfsj its hard to have a favorite picture of him that isnt fanart when his model is so ugly hjdsk so idk!!! i guess i dont have one!!!

[kulliare]

was a bit on the fence doing this but since i’m locked out of my room and can’t do the things i was planning to do:

creator tag meme

tagged by the ever iconic @dilfjaime

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

1) icon art

my icon’s my dnd character lmao! a bit too lazy to link the full pic, and while it’s on my art ig, i don’t really wanna share it because it’s associated with me irl (honestly, whenever i see someone mixing their fandom persona w/ irl shit where everyone can see it, it scares me). i had dabbled in like digital art before but i think this was around where i was like ‘maybe i’m not entirely shit at drawing’ lmao-- i think this piece touches on colours well which is smt i’m not always great with. if you can find the first pic of my art on my blog w/ jaime, i think you can see me struggling w/ how to color digitally and stuff especially. legit can’t look at that pic lmao bc it’s so ugly. but here it turned out nice-- now i can see the errors in like the proportions but i think it just looks ~stylistic~ so it evens out

2) fic-- a date, a dress, a cat

common issue with me is that i’m a perfectionist and i feel like my writing nor my art is like ‘up w/ the best’ so that just makes me not want to do shit. i don’t think i’m ready to read this yet over again and i have to wait another year but i’m just happy i put this out there and unlike the rest of the fics i wrote kind of halfassed it so i could just say i wasn’t trying if someone ended up criticizing me lmao

3) art from now on folks, here’s sun + moon

my most recent shit and it kind of makes my heart warm looking at this lol i just keep thinking abt how i’ve alrdy grown this year ;_; i love the coloring lots here and i like to think i’ve improved a bit!! i’ve also noticed it’s easier for me to really draw what i see even if i’m not perfect at it yet. also noticed how much i am of a slag for blue over this year but is any one surprised :eyeroll:!! also i love jaime here and while drawing him i was seriously considering just running off in the woods and becoming a furry artist. seriously if anyone wants to pay me i will do it. alas, i think no furries follow me

4) jaime doodle?????

this was v fun. and i like the coloring here too. i think i’m just repeating myself here but like??? how do people do this in art shows??? ok i just like it. ngl i think my ‘favorites’ are based on sentimentality there is no rhyme or reason

5) this stupid fucking comic

this took 100 years from my life and was thoroughly irritating. i really do prefer to do like just paintings rather than comics bc i think you can see how tired i got of it mid way thru-- but i do think drawing this much did make me get better. i really do like the starting panel, i still think it’s pretty, but for the rest i’m a bit :< about. you might be asking why i added this if i’m frustrated abt it but the rest of my stuff i feel a bit mmh about (probably because i did it very quickly! at this at least taught me something-- no pain no gain right??)

i doubt anyone read through all this but this blog is about ME! and i’m extremely shallow (/s). but i think doing this did make me feel a bit better about all the shit i made because i remember when i was 13 i always wanted to make shit for my fandoms and stuff but wouldn’t so. i kind of am living what i want to do now...??? (i’m saying this like it’s a goal and it made me laugh irl bc it’s so tiny but like. i really am proud of myself for doing something this year ok.)

tagging @albatrossisland and @tiredandtoothless and @pearly--rose (if you want ofc) and anyone else who wants to be tagged! really rec doing this bc it did make me feel better bc the shit i’m hawking out lmao

[witcherwrite]

Disaster Dads Chap 1

This is also on my ao3 account at https://archiveofourown.org/works/22091329/chapters/52722004

Feel free to comment and share.

BLOOD MOON

He was roused from sleep by the sound of small footsteps making their way up to his solar. Geralt let out a soft groan cracking his eye open. Likely Ciri coming to badger him into anything else other than studying. She had become quite crafty in her excuses as to why she shouldn’t have to sit and read for the day but was still alright to swing a sword.

He huffed and nuzzled further into his pillows hoping to protect his head from an incoming Ciri attack. Oddly, when the doors to his room opened he didn’t hear her rush across the room so that she could leap into the bed as normal. Instead, she just stood in the doorway.

“Geralt?” she said uncharacteristically soft. Gods, was she that good at acting now?

He groaned into his pillows not yet worried enough to leave the confines of his blankets.

“I can’t train today.”

That’s new. He unburied himself enough for his sleep laden voice to be heard. “What?”

Sleep still fogged his mind, preventing him from making any clear reasoning as to what her excuse today would be.

“I’m bleeding.”

He sighed; if she thought a cut was going to get her out of reading or drills today.

“How’d you manage that?” he brought his hands to his eyes, rubbing them and yawning.

“I don’t know! I was sleeping!”

Geralt suddenly shot upright at the sound of panic in Ciri’s voice. His gaze shot over to her and immediately a hot rush went through him.

She stood there, hair a mess and a slightly worried expression on her face. She wore her bedclothes, but instead of their normal linen color. A bloodstain at the front of it, right where her legs met.

His head went blank. He must have failed at hiding his shock as her face suddenly morphed into that of panic.

“Why do you look like that?!” she sounded as if she was going to cry “Geralt am I dying?!”

“What?” his focus returned to her panicked expression, confusion taking over “No?”

Ciri gripped the front of her bedclothes tears in her eyes.

He lept from bed rushing to fix his mistake. “Ciri. No.” he tried to sound surer “No. No. No. No. No.” walking to her only wearing his own bedclothes.

He stood in front of her trying to hide his own panic. He had no idea what to do or say in this situation. He didn’t know how this worked and there were no women near Kaer Morhen who could explain this to her either. Vesemir. Vesemir would know.

Geralt grasped Ciri’s hand, realizing a moment too late that it was also bloody. Schooling his expression he said “Let’s go find Vesemir.” he tried to give a reassuring smile, something he never did and it only made her panic increase tenfold.

“Geralt! Why do you look so worried?!” Ciri was becoming louder and more upset every step they took. She never cried, not even when injured, and now she was near tears.

“Vesemir!” he bellowed. He had no idea what to do and he was only upsetting Ciri further. Gods he was horrible at this why didn’t he think to- “Vesemir!”

“Geralt what’s going on?!” Ciri was shrill with panic, and it took every fiber of his being not to lift Ciri and run to get someone to explain this.

“This is fine! It’s all natural! You’re fine!”

“Natural?!” she shrieked.

Both of their panics were feeding into one another's making everything worse. Geralt burst into the dilapidated main hall and bellowed again. “Vesemir!”

He saw the old witcher rush around a random pile of junk. “Geralt, what’s go-” the words died in his throat as laid eyes on the two of them. Both wild with panic and embarrassment.

“Oh. I see.” he said resolutely, uneasiness in the lines of his face. The pair saw the ambivalence in his face immediately, causing Ciri to finally cry out.

“I’m dying aren’t I?! I’m dying!”

Geralt glared at his master and growled out “Vesemir help me please!”

Vesemir walked forward trying to be comforting to Ciri while also arguing with his oldest pupil “I don’t know what you expect me to do Wolf. I’ve raised boys for the past century. I don’t know what to say here.” Ciri’s crying grew in volume.

“I don’t either!” he snapped back.

Ciri’s wailing attracted the other witchers in the keep. Eskel stood by with a similarly uneasy face.

“What’s going on?” the scarred face witcher said. Before anyone could answer Ciri wailed. “I’m dying!” she sniffled “I’m dying and no one will tell me why!”

“You’re not dying Ciri.” Geralt said gripping her hand tighter. “It’s fine. I told you-”

“You’re lying!” She howled as Lambert approached, assessing the scene. He would have been amused by the whole thing if it weren’t for Ciri’s legitimate distress.

Out of nowhere and with perfect ease he said “Oh, your moon blood. Congratulations.”

Ciri’s cries stopped immediately at the youngest witcher's calm demeanor.

“W-what?” she said between sniffles.

“You got your moon blood. You’re a woman now. Congratulations.”

The pandemonium that had filled the keep moments ago was brought to a screeching halt. Everyone stared at Lambert and he merely shrugged. Walking towards her.

“You bleed on your sheets too?” he said matter of factly.

Ciri nodded dumbly and Geralt’s gaze bounced between the two of them, still gripping her bloodied hand.

“Alright, well go up and strip your bed. Then bring a change of clothes, we’ll go wash ‘em out.”

He put a comforting hand on her shoulder, softly removing her from Geralt’s protective grip.

“You remember how to get blood out of cloth?”

Ciri sniffled slightly, the only sign that she had been crying were her red eyes.

“Yeah,” she said sounding surer. “cold water and goats milk.”

Lambert nodded a far more comforting and easy smile on his face.

“Well go on, you get the sheets and meet me out front. I’ll get the rest.”

She nodded, then looked at the other witchers, still a little nervous and shaken. They all had lost expressions so she focused back on Lambert’s sure one and ran off to her room.

Eskel looked at the youngest witcher incredulously “How did you-”

“I grew up with three sisters.” Lambert said sharply and Geralt was struck with the realization that they had never asked about Lambert’s life before Kaer Morhen.

Vesemir looked at him seriously, “Well, we thank you Wolf. I’m not sure that could have gone much worse.”

Lambert laughed loudly, shaking off the focused praise. “I’ve never seen three grown witchers shit themselves so badly!” a teasing smirk returned to his face. “And Geralt. With all the women you sleep around with you never bothered to learn about a woman’s moon blood?”

He prickled at the association between the women in his life and his surrogate daughter. “I know about it. I just don’t know how to talk to Ciri about her first time having one.” he growled.

Lambert’s face twisted in irritation “Alright, alright.” he threw up his hands “no need to go all Papa Wolf on me.”

Geralt softened instantly “Lambert, I-”

“I’m gonna take Ciri down to the lake and we’re gonna wash everything.” He paused and thought for a moment, looking back to Geralt “You ever have a girl leave one of her pairs of panties here?”

Geralt fought not to become angry again. “I’m not letting Ciri wear- ”

“No, not those genius!” Lambert said exasperated “The ugly cotton ones that they tie around themselves.”

Geralt was reeling and tried to think if anything like that could possibly be in the back of one of his drawers “No, I don’t think- ”

“ I got a few.” Eskel said, drawing shocked expressions “Deidre left a good amount of her things here.”

Lambert nodded “Glad someone knows what’s going on.” a wide grin was directed the white-haired witcher’s way.

Geralt tried not to be embarrassed by his lack of knowledge on this important time for Ciri. Feeling rather helpless all over again, even with the help that he asked for.

“Mind grabbing them?” Lambert said. Eskel nodded. As he walked past Geralt he gave him a few reassuring pats on his back. Somehow that only made him feel worse. He was sincerely thankful for Lambert’s help and his taking control of the situation, but the bastard was making it hard with his smug ass expression.

“Hey, Vesemir.” Their master’s piercing gaze switched from Geralt to Lambert. “Know if we got any bloodmoss or cotton lying around in the stores?” Vesemir nodded an inkling of pride on his face.

“Great, I’ll go grab-”

“No, no.” Vesemir interrupted. “I’ll go grab those and a bar of goats milk. Need to be able to do something here.”

He turned to gather things from the stores and Geralt simply looked at his bloodied hand.

Something unknown formed in his gut. Ciri had come to him for help, and he not only wasn’t able to do anything, but he made it worse. His gaze moved over to Lambert who was doing everything in his power not to look Geralt’s way.

He felt guilty and useless, sure he could protect her and train her, but what did he know of Ciri’s upcoming change? Future feelings and hurts that couldn’t be solved with the swing of a sword? She was becoming a woman and Geralt was wholly lost.

“Lambert-”

“Don’t.” The young witchers gaze shifted over. “ I know she’s your surprise child and all, but we can take care of her too.”

There was a lump at the back of Geralt’s throat and a stone in his chest as he spoke.

“We-” Lambert took a steadying breath and rocked from foot to foot. “We love her as much as you do alright? And sometimes other people may know better than you.”

He was frustrated and angry but Lambert was right. Much in the way that Yennefer was. Ciri needs more than one person to look out for her. He can’t be the only one and he can’t know everything she’ll need.

Geralt sighed and stood in front of Lambert to look him in the eye. The discomfort Lambert had at confessing his own feelings grew as he watched Geralt. “Don’t do that. I hate that look, you-”

“Thank you.” he said soundly a hand landing on his shoulder and giving him a solid shake.

Lambert’s face pinched in feigned discomfort while another expression ran through his features, softening him for a moment. “Yeah, happy to help.”

They both heard Ciri rushing down the steps at the same time they heard Eskel and Vesemir returning.

Lambert broke away, quickly refocusing on the task at hand. “I’m going to give her the whole talk on the way down. You cool with that?”

“You know the whole talk?” Geralt said amused.

“The bits I remember from my mom talking to my sisters. Merigold and Yennefer can fill her in on the rest when she sees them next.”

Geralt nodded and looked as Ciri approached them with a bundle of linens and a change of clothes stacked on top.

“Ready?” Geralt said.

Ciri looked at him a little worried. “Are you going with me?”

Geralt fought the hurt in his chest about Ciri no longer wanting him involved. Though he felt resolved by the fact that she had Lambert to talk to about it now.

“No, Lambert’s clearly better at this anyway.” Geralt caught Ciri’s relieved expression right as he saw a hint of pride on Lambert’s face. Eskel and Vesemir handed him their supplies.

“Oh! Ok!” She still ran up and hugged him, dirty linens and all pressed against his bare chest and sleep pants.

“Alright then woman! Time to go wash your mess out!” Geralt made a face at Lambert calling Ciri ‘woman’ but she was clearly overjoyed by the new moniker. Bounding away from him to chase Lambert out of the keep.

As Geralt watched them leave he felt Vesemir’s hand on his shoulder. “Looks like our little witcher is growing up.”

He hummed, watching them open the hall doors, Ciri already asking dozens of invasive questions and Lambert answering them easily.

Eskel snorted, walking away. “We react this bad to her moon blood. Imagine what will happen when she introduces us to someone special for the first time.”

Geralt froze at the thought. “Fuck.”

[crungusgrungus]

ahhh character ask thign! zetsu, rock lee, konan, kakuzu (u can break it up in2 different posts if u wish)

fuck yeah lamo

zetsu

favorite thing about them

it’s a tie between the plant theme and the two ppl in one body theme. i like plants so thats just bias, and i think it’s kinda funny how they put the big bad and the dumdum fool in the same character.

least favorite thing about them

KISHI LET MY MAN FLOP. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRAW HIM UGLY ON PURPOSE. SMH.

favorite line

I don’t know for certain if this is the exact translation, but in the old subbed shippuden, the samurai captain asked “2B” and he replied “to be ,.,,or not to be???” but it was a password and the captain killed him but anyways dumbass king ily.

brOTP

Tobi/Obito. I will always stand by them being besties ever since the cave episode. I have so much to say about the potential antics that never occurred but like, you tell me. A wrinkly evil ancestor man, some kid going through puberty, and 2 plant aliens. That’s low budget dreamworks kids movie material.

OTP

Tbh i’ve asked myself this but i still don’t know lmao. I almost never really ship stuff hh.

nOTP

i’ve seen a lot of gaara x zetsu stuff before for some reason and thats kinda weird,.thats really messed just like,.,,from an age gap stand point

random headcanon

i draw him like this usually but like,.,.,he’s gotta eat somehow and white zetsus got wack flat teeth can’t bite so black zetsus side of the mouth is like a fuckin bear trap, he just shrinks the goop over his teeth most of the time.

unpopular opinion

well,.,.i mean,.,.liking zetsu is unpopular enough already,.,.,,.saying dumb shit like zetsu is pretty,.,..,.,.mega unpopular

song i associate with them

hm,,,the two tones of Dunk On Me by blood cultures

favorite picture of them

small. at peace.

he is baby boy.

rock lee:

favorite thing about them

I like how different he was from all the other characters, like, both in visual design and development. Also he’s based off Bruce Lee which was the first thing I noticed when I saw him and I was like to my sibling “yeah that guys gonna win.”

least favorite thing about them

Nothing?? Idk. I can’t really think of much.

favorite line

The ‘Stronger than the me of yesterday’ line :D

brOTP

Sakura!! Strong as heck squad!! I wish there was more interaction with them after the chunin exams and stuff. They’d def have insane workouts together.

Also the rest of Team Gai, of course.

OTP

I think Lee and Gaara is pretty cute, also Lee and Neji. But at the same time consider Lee, Neji and Tenten poly.

nOTP

Uhhhhhh i’m not sure??

random headcanon

Good cook rock lee!! He eats well!! He makes good food!! It’s always really spicy though!!

unpopular opinion

I don’t know if I have enough opinions of Rock Lee for this one :P

song i associate with them

hh for whatever reason it’s this old cantonese cover cjnkoijsd

favorite picture of them

owo

konan:

favorite thing about them

her jutsu is like,.,.maximum aesthetic. it’s literally so pretty like imagine being this cool.

pretty sure whomever invented jutsus had just this in mind for their invention, all that other stuff was unintentional

least favorite thing about them

i refuse to believe konan died in that fight with obito. i refuse.

favorite line

no specific quote but i think its neat how she uses flower metaphors a lot :P also when she said “600 000 000 000 paper bombs. I do plan on killing you”

brOTP

Feel like she could get along w/ Itachi for some reason?? They’re both kinda quiet and soft spoken before being roped into doing bad stuff because of their relationships. Feel like they could relate to each other.

Also Kisame maybe, this one I can’t really explain but I feel like they could be good friends.

I’ve joked about sasori and konan becoming the friends that are besties after initially hating each other, but that was more in my au

OTP

Once again,.,.i don’t know

nOTP

I don’t really like Konan x Obito tbh. I don’t understand it. Don’t really get the hype over Konan x Hidan or Konan x Pein either

random headcanon

Konan gardens!! Feel like she has a secret garden hidden in Ame somewhere w/ roses and lilies and those creeper vines and a pond w/ some koi fish and and

unpopular opinion

A lot of folks think Konans the mom friend, but that doesn’t really make sense to me?? She’s only ever sorta nice to Nagato, who’s like,.,the closest half alive person to her. U might get some gruff kindness, and thats like, ,.kinda it.

song i associate with them

Hhh I Saw An Angel

favorite picture of them

kakuzu:

favorite thing about them

once again, cool jutsu and aesthetic. also hes kinda a more realistic villain, or at leadg more understandable from our world perspective - doing bad things for money

least favorite thing about them

why’d he die so soon like,.,.,they had so much buildup and he seemed really powerful but he got dunked on by narutos rasenshuriken in 2 tries like,., it didn’t make sense. definitely wish there was more exposition on kakuzus backstory too, although i haven’t watched the creation of the akatsuki

favorite line

“even hell runs on money”

brOTP

pein kakuzu and konan taking care important shit (pein runs the akatsuki, kakuzu manages finances, konan runs ame lets be real all pein does in there is talk abt his god complex), so i propose: old soul friends who bond over being tired as fuck.

also kakuzu and sasori, because both their partners are annoying, and they initally bond over that before realizing they are each others long lost platonic soulmate and that their grouchy personalities and irritability were made for each other.

i was,,.,only half joking there but i just realized this is very probable.

OTP

eh, not really. he seems kinda like he might not be comfortable or ready for that after the stuff he’s been through.

nOTP

once more, i don’t really know :P

random headcanon

konans not the mom friend, and kakuzu isn’t totally the mom friend either, but he has grandpa vibes. probably knits.

oh wait fuck never mentioned in hidans, but trans immortal kakuzu and hidan of course.

unpopular opinion

as with lees, i don’t know if i have enough opinions for this. maybe the brOTP’s lmao. never really seen content of them.

song i associate with them

Dead Inside by Younger Hunger :P kinda cliche though.

favorite picture of them

this particular part was rlly cool

[juuheizou]

i may have went a bit overboard with choosing numbers. i just love those asks a lot. here they are: 4, 9, 13, 23, 28, 34, 36, 38, 47, 49, 51, 53, 63, 79, 83, 84, 97, 99

ash your overboard numbers are the best thing that ever happened to me dw about it tysm!!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

i’ll drink it black/plain if i really want a caffeine fix and have nothing to put in it, but i have a big sweet tooth and i like it w sugar and/or flavored syrup, and milk is nice but not a requirement

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

yES. i love to sing. like really love it. not to be emo but music has always been therapy to me. i was in a choir too for abt 4 years, and did some talent shows/open mics, and would really love to be in a band or something someday. i sing and hum around my house all the time

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

when i got home from work and laid in my bed for almost an hour straight (i’m running on critically low spoons ok don’t judge me) peachie followed me into my room as he always does when i get home, and hopped up and sniffed/licked me as he always does when i get home, but this time he stepped up onto my torso and laid down on me and we cuddled for a long time and it was v nice  :)

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

listen to music and nap, maybe draw/write/do something creative if i have the spoons

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

i don’t really remember the stuffed animals i had when i was v young, but when i was 16 i found this cute little stuffed giraffe at a thrift store and just had to have it. it’s not called anything. i tried thinking of a name and all i ever call it is ‘my giraffe’ but its a big comfort object of mine and i keep it in my backpack in case i need something to self-soothe with. i love stuffed animals and highkey want more

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

idk probaby like... velvet acid christ or some weird edgy ebm band like that. bc i am just CHILLIN and idk what i’m doing but i still like knives and blood and stuff

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

the list would be so long if i listed all of them, so imma just pick one and rant abt it a little. it really cheeses me off when ppl question u on irrelevant, personal stuff that i don’t wanna share and they don’t need to know. idk like the guy that helped my roommate move knew me for a few minutes and was immediately asking what i did for work, how many hours do i work, am i going to school, am i planning on going to school, why am i not in school, and i’m like ‘none of ur beeswax stranger.’ stuff like that. maybe its just bc i’m a v private person irl and have always been the person ppl share things with while not knowing much abt me, so it just seems unnatural and honestly intrusive when ppl i’m not all that close to start asking me personal stuff that i don’t readily share, esp when they get all pissy that i don’t wanna tell a stranger, my landlord, my coworker, etc a bunch of stuff they don’t need to know.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

fried onions in any kind of breading. they look so crispy and delicious, then u bite into them and onions.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

love it!! usually i’ll download the mp3s bc i’m broke, but when i can get them, i love having an album to hold and i love the little notes and lyrics inside the case and it’s just great. i haven’t bought a cd in a long time though bc money. the last cd i burned though was that ‘caress of steel’ one that i was so excited about

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

person: my mom. song: idek the name of the song or what verses are from which songs, but she played and sang patty griffin all the time so whenever i hear one of the songs of hers that i would hear so many times growing up i think of my mom

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

all of them but heathers. beetlejuice was ok. didn’t like pulp fiction but i might have liked it better if my pretentious film bro brother didn’t talk it up so much. for all it’s flaws, though, i love rocky horror and have it on dvd so i can watch it as much as i want

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

ehh i like to be able to find what i want, but my bookshelf is a mess and so is my music library and i just... don’t do anything about it. not successfully anyway

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

irl not much cute stuff happens to me, but i thought it was v sweet when my homie @nipnaap drew me a suzuya for my birthday last year!!

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

i like one-eyed doll’s album art a lot, both the drawn covers and the ones w photos. they just look super artsy and cool. sinister also has nice album art, which is not something i often say abt death metal bands, but its really well-drawn and the color schemes are cohesive and i like it. idk i like bands w kinda ugly album art lowkey, but those are the most consistent producers of album art i like.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

i want tattoos all over my fricking body. i’m not gonna go into a tattoo shop and breathe my pathogens everywhere during a pandemic seeing as enough ppl in my area are already selfish enough to do that, but i hope to get my first one soon.

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

istp, libra, gryffindor

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

honestly i don’t have the foggiest idea lately. i’ve been kinda having a problem w any music really making me feel much. am i in a depressed spiral or do i need to listen to more music, who knows?

send me some cute asks!!

[leosrequiem]

Letters of the American English Alphabet Rated by ME

A - The classic. 7/10 Not much to say here, it's usually a soft letter, good in making words sound less abrasive. Good at the beginning of a phrase/name but not very appealing. It is a vowel and starting phrased with a vowel feels weird. I gave it one extra point for being the first letter of the words ass, apple, angel, and anguish.

B -  Meh 4/10 Less than average. It has terrible vibes. It’s almost uncanny. I can’t really explain it but I associate it with words like blubbery, bloat, baluga, balloon, berry(ies), and they all have a lumpy, rubbery and round look that all make me slightly uncomfortable.

C - 5/10 This letter is the bane of my existence in school. I associate it with feelings of failure even though it is not terrible to get a C. I associate it with words like: cool, clean, cock, cucumber, and conception and those are all pretty fun words which cancel out the overall negative feelings so it earns a nice average rating.

D - AW YEAH BOOOY 7/10 D is an interesting letter. I think it looks good at the beginning of words/phrases because the hump faces the way we read. One could argue the flat back is a block and makes it hard to start the word but I argue the opposite. It acts more like a gate that doesn't let you turn back, encouraging you to read further. However I am deducting 2 points from my original rating because the lowercase D is the worst letter for someone with dyslexia. I often confuse it for B and P and that is no good.

E - 6/10 A very versatile letter able to make a bunch of cool noises like E and eh and ey as well as it sounding different in different accents languages. It's the second vowel on this list meaning you can pronounce it without using anything in your mouth. The letter E is full of joke material like the meme E and puns like Eggciting. Despite this it's still a boring vowel that's hard to write in uppercase.

F - 2/10 Stupid. Fuck you. FFFFFF is such a dumb sound. And that’s the hex code for pure white which is the color of Apple™ and I hate them. F is also a boring letter that just looks like a broken E. G - 5.5/10 Not much to say here again. I associate this letter with pirates though, and that’s cool so I’m giving it .5 points above my original rating.

H - 7.5/10 H is like the eboy of letters. If I was drawing humanized letters, H would absolutely be a scrawny white eboy, mayhaps even a Tumblr sexy man. Cool letter. I don’t ADORE it, but I like it. Hell yeah.

I - 1/10 Bane of my existence. Between I and lowercase L… This vowel is only good in words, never the beginning of words. Ice? Igloo? Insane? Stupid looking words. Terrible design.

J - 5/10 No thoughts. The only good thing about this letter that's above average is that I like writing it in cursive, that is all.

K - 3/10 I just don’t care about this letter, everything it does can be done with a C or an X. We as a society have moved the need for K.

L - 5.3/10 Just barely above average because I associate it with lovecore and I fuck heavily with it. I also enjoy how smooth of a sound it is.

M - 5/10 Smooth sounding and that's all i care about.

N - 3/10 Nothing interesting fuck you.

O - 7/10 DONUT

P - -2/10 It’s a nerdy looking letter. Pronouncing it is like trying to speak with marshmallows in one's mouth. It’s massively unimpressive and looks terrible in the front of a phrase. It feels like a fucked up vowel rather than a usable letter.

Q - 0/10 Useless letter. Can almost never be used without having a U or CK next to it. Just use C or CK, It’s so ridiculous and a waste of time. It’s also a dyslexic nightmare letter often being confused with P.

R - 6/10 I don’t know what to say I just like to rrrrrrrrrrr, but that’s it.

S - 10/10 Slithery goodness. A flexible letter that can be written in so many ways before it’s confusing! I associate it with sky, snake, slithery, soup, serendipitous, serenity, soothe and I just think these are some nice words. Drawing S’s out also makes me feel like an evil snake or a creeper.

T - 6/10 Testosterone

U - 3/10 Helpful but ugly. This letter NEVER looks good or sounds cool in anything. Unique is a dumb looking word. Unicorn is too. (No hate to those funky horses)

V - 5/10 No thoughts but fun to use as an arrow pointing down!

W - 7/10 Double U? You mean double V? Despite the stupid name for this letter I think it deserves some appreciation because without out I wouldn’t be able to express as much confusion as I can now.

X - 8/10 TWO LINES and also reminds me of pirates but for a much more obvious reason. I like pirates!

Y - 8.5/10 No thoughts, just think its stupid in a fun way.

Z - 9/10 only because it’s a super uncommon letter and when I see it I get excited.

[alysmarylin]

The fic you've been waiting for

Crowley avenging his beloved angel - Sandalphon got what he deserved (don't thank me, reblog instead)!!!!!!!!

Crowley and Aziraphale were unpacking the stuff they bought on a big shopping Sunday, and to this very day Crowley can't remember why and how they ended up talking about Aziraphale's, well... Ex-kin.

"I kinda enjoyed Michael", Crowley laughed. "Rather good-looking. Uriel, on the other hand..."

"Don't get me started on Uriel and Sandalphon", Aziraphale rolled his eyes. "I hate their guts"

"Sandalphon was a tough prick, I remember. And uglier than Belzebub", Crowley sneered.

"You don't say. He works in my place now, homophobic son of a... They couldn't have picked a worse candidate", Aziraphale said in a somewhat hurt voice. 

"Don't worry, angel. Soon enough, he will receive some beating from locals, I tell you"

"Yeah, I should've definitely punched that bastard back", Aziraphale muttered under his nose quietly, angrily. 

" Yeah, you bet...", Crowley laughed and then stopped abruptly. "W-w-wait, wait-wait-wait. Back? What do you mean, back?". Crowley stood up from the floor and stepped up to Aziraphale. 

" Nothing, really"

"No, not nothing". Crowley's eyes were widened in shock. " Do you mean, that, that piece of shit HIT you?!"

Aziraphale lowered his eyes. It looked like the memory wasn't pleasant. Crowley was gasping.

"When? When did it happen? How come I didn't know?", Crowley was not yet angry but more frightened. " Angel, look at me. Talk to me. Someone battered you and I know nothing of it?!"

"No one battered me. I was walking back to my bookshop and Michael, Uriel and... And he approached me, I was questioned..."

"Where the Hell was I?" - Crowley asked, astonished.

"You drove home", Aziraphale said quietly and sadly.

Crowley tilted his head backward and sighed with despair. "I should've known... ". He lowered his head and looked at Aziraphale with sadness and pain. Aziraphale looked confused and lost.

" What did he do? Tell me, angel", Crowley stepped closer, putting his hand on Aziraphale's arm, leaning closer. "Tell me. He's dead"

"Don't you dare, Crowley, we got away and I won't..."

"What did he do to you? What? Why didn't you tell me? I was up there, I saw him, I could've..."

"Because I didn't want you to", Aziraphale answered bitterly. " I needed you to be concentrated and cool-headed. You freed me from them, same as I did for you. That's all that matters"

"No, it's not. You look sad, you look hurt", Crowley said, cupping Aziraphale's cheek. " Otherwise you would've forgotten".

"He punched me in the stomach, alright?", Aziraphale said with a lump in his throat. His lower lip trmbled a bit. "It wasn't as painful physically as it was humiliating".

Crowley looked down on his angel's belly - soft, beautiful, beloved and precious - and everything before his eyes suddenly became red as blood.

"I told you because I trust you, but if you dare approach him or pull out something stupid like that, I will leave you, Crowley", he heard Aziraphale's voice from some distance.

"Do you hear me? Answer me, Crowley"

Crowley felt his head filling with lead from within.

"I will not approach him. I swear it"

"Good", he hears Aziraphale say. " I'll finish unpacking"

Crowley stopped Aziraphale, holding him by the arm. He embraced him from behind, wrapping one of his arms around his chest and putting his hand gently on the angel's belly. He buried his nose in his soft blonde curls and muttered: "I love you".

"I love you too", Aziraphale answered softly, "Now let me finish".

Crowley looked at him, picking up paper bags and arranging the stuff around the room, looking small and soft and lovely. Somehow it made his silent rage all the more burning and red became crimson in his eyes. He swore he wouldn't approach that sick fuck who laid his dirty hands - no, he couldn't bear to think of it - on Aziraphale

... But he said nothing of his friends.

***

Crowley pulled his hood further on his forehead

"Pleasure to see you, Jay. You look like a heroin addict in that hoody", said Phil. 

"I have to hide my hair somehow. Rare color"

Crowley was nervous and feeling restless.

"Yep. You're drop-dead gorgeous lad, we get it. To what I owe the pleasure?"

"I need to track someone down. Name's Saldanphon but he changes his IDs every now and then. You'll have to check for anything similar. Don't have a picture, but I draw him", Crowley laid a piece of paper on a table. The drawing looked fairly accurate. " Looks middle-aged, a bit fat, bald, ugly, has a golden tooth. A homophobe might be hanging around gay bars and the likes to preach or intimidate or whatever he does. That's all I have as of now".

"Well", Phil sighed " It's doable. But it will take a while. Any family?"

"No, none at all"

"I see. The golden tooth is indeed something". Phil looked at Crowley's hand. "You got married?"

"Ugh, yeah", Crowley answered looking around. " You know how to, ehm, tell me of the progress?"

"I've been around longer than you", Phil said wearily, and Crowley had to keep his mouth shut on that remark, " You'll know when I find something. Just one more thing. This, ehm, funny-named morality apostle. What exactly are you planning? He's gonna go?"

"No, not go", Crowley said with sheer disappointment "Plainly be taught a lesson. He put his shitty hands where he shouldn't have".

"Are you gonna call our mutual friend?", Phil raised his eyebrows. " If you want to make it clean, it's the best way. They'll never track his men down. Just food for thought, Jay. A piece of advice from the old man"

"That sounds reasonable", Crowley nodded, as if he had had any idea what to do next when he came to Phil, " I'll think about it. Thank you. Wanna count?". He put a book - a fake book, of course - on a table.

"Here? Oh, please. Trust me, if I don't find what I intend to find here, you'll know", Phil put a book in his bag and stood up. " Have a nice day, kid. Next time, wear something else"

Crowley waited for ten more minutes before leaving the diner. It was only when he was in a crowdy underground station when he put the hood off. He had to be cautious. For everyone's sake.

 

***

 

"Do you really think it's a good place, Jay?", said a tall and broad bald man in a leather jacket, trying to sit comfortably on a bench by a pond.

"The best one, in terms of privacy", said Crowley, looking grimly from his hood. " So. You said you owe me a favor all the way back from 1999. I didn't need anything for a long time, but now..."

"How do you manage to look so young, you sick bastard?", the man asked, chuckling, trying to look at Crowley's face. " You look just like my son, and that sad excuse of an heir is 27 now, not something you could tell by the way he speaks, though, I'd give him 10  in that department, still... How old are you, anyway?"

"I use a strong sunscreen. And I have good genes. Good, hardworking Irish people, my entire family. Will you listen or not, Patsy?"

A bald man stopped laughing and sighed.

"Of course. What seems to be the problem?"

"Our mutual buddy, Phil, tracked down a guy I need you to deal with. Here's what I've got on him", Crowley took a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to a man without so much as looking at his side. " I want your people to teach him a lesson. He's gotta stay alive. I can't be seen. But I need to watch it from a distance. I know you're ready to do this, but still" - Crowley took out something that looked like a book and put it on Patsy's lap still without looking at him - "this is some additional motivation for you, or a token of a good will, if you wish to call it that way".

Patsy put down an apparently-book-thing in his suitcase and opened a piece of paper. He looked at Crowley, frowning.

" What kind of a lesson do you want him to be taught, exactly?"

"If your boys will do it properly, he'll need new teeth", Crowley said, finally turning his head to his counterpart, looking him in the eyes from beneath his shaded. "The whole damn package. And the old ones, I want to have them. Every single one. Especially the golden one. No internal bleeding, no injuries to any organs. You can break a couple of ribs, but carefully. As you wish. But I need his teeth"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jay", the Patsy man said, looking flabbergasted. " What did this son of a bitch did to you so you became such a butcher"

"He laid his shitty hands where he shouldn't have", Crowley hissed, grinding his teeth. His hands clenched in fists.

" You didn't tell me you were married. Was this your wife?", Patsy asked warily.

"I have no wife, but I am indeed married", Crowley answered. " I know you're one of the few people of your occupation who don't look down on things like that. I love him. But I swore I won't touch this bastard myself. I don't have much choice, Pat"

"I'm sorry it happened to your, well, spouse", Patsy said carefully. " But the guys that I have in my crew are not as open-minded as I wish they were. You know it yourself. Ours is not the most prestigious job. I'll do this favor, but when you're sitting in a car with them, better keep the personal personal". 

They shook hands.

"I'll be waiting for your call. You know which number to call, and which not to", Crowley said, standing up. "I'm looking forward to seeing your team at work".

 

***

 

Crowley was staring into the field glasses, trying looking at two tall men in leather jackets dragging a bald man resembling Sandalphon, gagged and tied up, to a torch on the abandoned parking lot. The jeep where Crowley and his associates were sitting was right in its darkest corner.

It was Christmas Eve, the 24th of December. The snow was falling gloriously, but the place was too grim and damp for the fairy-tale-like spirit.

“You see them, Cap?”, a young driver, sitting by Crowley’s side asked.

“It looks like him, but I need insurance. I remember his voice. Call them”

One of the guys on the backseat dialed a number and one of the bouncers took the phone.

“Our cap wants so be sure it’s the guy. Let him speak”

He turned on the speakerphone. Soon enough Crowley heard Sandalphon screaming something like:

“I’ll give you anything you want, please, untie me, I need my hands, I…”, before Crowley nodded and Sandalphon became silent again. The phone was turned off and Sandalphon was dragged to a small staircase, and Crowley had to pay very close attention, looking into field glasses again, to recognize what was going on.

“Are you sure your people can do ALL the teeth in one go?”, he asked a bit unsurely.

“You insult us, Mr. Jay. It is our signature. One strike, all teeth. Leaves a strong message”, murmured a young man behind him.

“Well, then…”, Crowley started, but then he saw something rather outstanding, that made him make a certain sound: “Oi, woah… That was surprising… Alright, gentlemen, pardon me for my previous skepticism. I take that back. On second thought, I even refuse to take, the, ehm, the evidence”

He then heard his phone ring. It had to be Aziraphale. He had to answer. He quickly took the phone and blurted:

“Angel, honey, I can’t talk, I’m very busy, buying you a surprise, I’ll call you back in ten, love you”, without letting him even say a word. He figured out it would be more secure.

“Wife?”, asked a second young man, with a smile.

“Yeah. Sort of. Listen, I think I’d rather be going, are they done with the teeth? At the end of the day, I’ll think I’m more than happy without them. I don’t wanna take ‘em. I saw what you did, it was amazing. Drop me at the underground station, please… Else my, ehm, spouse, will be suspecting something, which I don’t fancy, like, at all”.

 

Crowley was very relieved when they drove away.

 

***

 

Crowley thought he had never had such a lovely Christmas morning. Angel was by his side, in his lovely tartan pajamas, they were tucked under the blanket, sipping tea and lazily switching the channels on telly.

“I thought I hated Christmas”, Crowley said quietly, as he lowered his head to Aziraphale’s, planting a soft kiss on his temple. “Now you made me love it. What next, angel?”

“You’ll stop wearing all black?”, Aziraphale answered, with a sarcastic smile.

“Naah, not in this life and not in the next”, Crowley said leisurely, switching the channels. Then he saw the news.

“… The victim of this horrific Christmas assault is alive, but severely traumatized – his teeth were…”

That was something Crowley didn’t account for – the bloody news.

“Ugh, what is it with these people”, he said with a trembling voice, trying desperately to sound casual, turning the telly off. “It’s only violence on this television, I’ll better put on some music. And make you some tea”, Crowley said, standing up.

“Dear boy”, Aziraphale said softly. “I’d like some tangerines. Would you be so kind as to bring your husband a plateful of those?”, he smiled. Crowley looked like he was melting from the inside.

“Every time you say the h-word I can’t say no to anything, angel. I’ll be in 15, a’right”

Crowley sighed with relief as he stepped into the kitchen. He was off the hook now, but some time from now, the angel might still learn about what happened. Will he be able to understand?

“All I did, I did for you”, Crowley thought in pain. “I love you so much I couldn’t stop it. He had to pay, my love, he had to”. Crowley felt tears fill his eyes, as he was putting tangerines in a bowl, but he was able to will them away. “I’d kill for you, I’d die for you, Aziraphale”, he thought with anguish. “I hope you know that whatever comes. I hope you will forgive me for what I had to do”.

 ***

 

With Crowley gone, Aziraphale was finally able to read the newspaper.

 

“Broken teeth, that’s a good take”, he thought smugly, as he read the weekly crime report. “See, Sandalphon. What goes around, comes around, next time you want to apply brutal force to your… arguments, better remember this, no? Though I doubt there will be the next time”

Aziraphale smirked. What his husband lacked in logic and cautiousness, he made up in loyalty and protectiveness. Blind loyalty and fierce protectiveness.

“You’re such an idiot, Crowley”, Aziraphale thought tenderly. “Really, A-J? To think I wouldn’t know? Me, famous Mr. Fell of Soho?”

That very evening, when he received a phone call from Phil and heard of some “heroin junkie looking” guy calling himself “Tony Jay” or “A J”, or, God have mercy, “Jay”, of all things, he knew it has to be Crowley.

“Wearing a black hoodie on top of his shades, really. It’s a miracle he didn’t get busted for drug possession”. Maybe it was indeed a miracle.

Truth be told, he wasn’t angry. He couldn’t approve openly, but there was a certain warmness in knowing that a homophobic golden-toothed prick who assaulted him now got what was coming for him.

“But I can’t encourage this sort of behavior in Crowley”, he thought, hiding his smile. “Now, dear boy, you need to control your impulses. At least, most of the time”.

Still, Aziraphale knew that he was one of the luckiest men – well, not really men, but… - alive, for his partner would stop at nothing to protect him.

“If only he would’ve acted a bit cleverer… Well, I suppose you can’t have it all. He’s beautiful, caring, kind, sweet, fiercely loyal and sexy as Hell, in the most literal sense of this word. It’s only natural he has to be a complete idiot to not let me forget myself. Oh, he brought me the cannoli the other day… This boy watched The Godfather too many times”.

 

“Angel!”, Crowley said, entering the room with a bowl full of tangerines. “What are you smiling at?”

“I’m thinking about how lucky I am to have you, dear boy”, Aziraphale answered with a loving smile.