#like i said it sounded like ur aware its an unhealthy relationship and i figured you wouldnt have brought it up

[gibbearish]

just took your uquiz lol! about being trans! what do you think it could mean if I wanted to be a guy but didn’t really mind being who i am? it’s not even any guy, it’s like specific guys (like actors,. I don’t know). Sometimes people say they’d rather be an ugly guy than a good looking woman, and I couldn’t relate less. Part of the reason I’m so scared about this (and it’s a big part) is that I’m just so terrified of being ugly. I’m finally conventionally attractive after years of trying to be, and now I’m scared I won’t be anymore. I’m wondering if maybe the first time i thought i was trans i went about it the wrong way (i was obsessed w masculinity, cut my hair, things like that). And is it even worth it doing anything about it if I’m not dysphoric? I’m also very scared about the finding someone to love me and also losing all my friends and family thing (100% will happen). This whole maybe not ever finding a guy to love me thing is really bothering me, too. You can ignore this I’m just venting a lot. Sorry.

hey friend! i think it could help out a lot if you looked into the idea of gender euphoria. the quick description essentially is the opposite of dysphoria, where rather than "being x makes me feel bad," its "being x makes me feel good". there's been a lot of discourse about this over the years and you will still find people out there who will be shitty, but as someone with dysphoria, i have always fallen firmly on the "you do not need dysphoria to be trans" side of things. i believe that if it makes you happy to be a specific way, you shouldnt have to hate being the way you are to be allowed to pursue that. i dont have to turn down a cheesecake just because i don't hate poundcake, suffering is not a requirement to get to the things that make you happy.

i will also say, to me it does sound like a lot of this struggle is based around your ideals irt attractiveness, and while that is very human, it sounds like you also know that your relationship with that is somewhat unhealthy? like, yes, people by and large want others to think they look nice, but that shouldnt come between you loving the body you're in. there are billions of people with billions of opinions and you will never be able to satisfy all of them, and if you try then all those opinions pulling in different directions will draw and quarter you lol. so to me it sounds a bit like itll be hard for you to really unravel your thoughts irt your gender until you're able to work through those hangups around attractiveness? or even that these may be something youll have to unravel in tandem

something that might help start that is next time youre feeling unattractive, rather than pulling away from that feeling or changing something about your look or wallowing in it, take some time to sit with it as a friend. ask it what's so scary about being unattractive. is it societal pressure telling you Girls Have To Be Pretty? is it your parents picking apart your appearance often? is it your friends treating you poorly because of your looks? figure out what it is that has created the unattractive=bad association in your mind, find who has been punishing you (literally or metaphorically) for looking "bad", and ask if you actually did anything wrong that deserves punishment by simply existing on your default settings, or if perhaps it wasnt actually about you at all, and was just about those peoples insecurities. when you pay attention, you start to notice that 99% of the time, attacks against others are defensiveness, they are insecure about something and something you did or said reminded them of it, so now they feel uncomfortable and want it to stop, and the way you do that is either investigate why, or take it out on someone else. and investigating why feels bad and takes a lot of time, so, yknow. path of least resistance, most people will lash out. and that does suck, but in my experience, realizing that made it a thousand times easier to not worry abt other ppls opinions' anywhere near as much. the way that i look is the way that /i/ like, not how society does, because im the one that has to live with me 24/7. society can deal with the horrific terrible burden of seeing me getting gas looking like a 1 occasionally, bc like literally how does that effect them yknow? theyre not harmed in any way by me existing and not looking how they want me to, and it would be weird for them to expect that of me because I Didnt Know They Existed Before Now so how could i possibly dress for them? and why would i?

(that can help w insecurities too ime is like. imagine someone else saying those things to you, would you think theyre an asshole and tell them to fuck off? if yes, you have permission to tell your brain the same thing)

as far as finding someone to love you, i definitely feel that fear but 1000% you have nothing to worry about. the adult queer scene is bursting to the seams with people who will want whatever it is that youre bringing to the table like a man lost in the desert for fifty years being offered a crisp mcdonalds sprite. "but what about-" yes that too. like, enough that they had to make a word specifically for cis people who Really Really Want To Date Trans People A Creepy Amount to distinguish between them and respectful ppl. i promise your dating pool is not small, you're just still in school and/or a small town and dont have access to them yet. give it time, you have decades ahead of you

as far as family and friends, honestly, yeah, you might lose them, im not gonna sugar coat that. and that sucks . so much. and i can tell you theres more people out there to befriend and that you can build a new family but id bet thatd hit about as well as it hits for me. bc truth is that yeah, you can make a new family, but that just isn't the same. there will still be a little hole in your heart reserved for the accepting and loving family and friends you deserved. and i cant really offer any advice on making that go away if thats how it turns out bc its still there for me.

but i also gotta say? the hole is a lot easier to deal with than the knife that put it there. theres still a painful spot but at least im not still actively being hurt More by them. so like im trying very hard not to just say "fuck em who needs em" here bc i know its not that easy and for a lot of people that isn't the right answer anyways, but yknow. thats what i did and im doing better, and at the end of the day i can really only speak from my own experience. either way, just know that there are in fact people out there who will accept and love you regardless of who you are or how you look, and in fact will encourage you to do things that make you look "worse" by society's standards if it makes you happy.

anyways. i hope that wasnt too depresso there, i think ill finish this off by addressing "is it even worth doing anything about it if im not dysphoric?": imo, yes, absolutely. there are parts of me that i wasnt dysphoric about before starting t that now make me ridiculously happy. i never knew i wanted chest hair and yet now i sometimes just sit here staring at it like "!!!!!!". you deserve a body that makes you happy. not a body that makes the people around you happy, not a body you can tolerate, a body that makes YOU happy. you could probably tolerate living in a featureless square apartment with all the bare essentials and 0 decorations if it was cheap, but would it make you happy? personally, i think you deserve to put up posters even if the world thinks theyd look dumb.