#it seems like all my memories are either really positive and happy. or super traumatic. no in-betweens

[memoria-99]

Wizardess Heart: Personal thoughts about seasons and routes Part 1

S1 was very basic yet written very well.

Elias: At first I was like, what kind of jerk is this, but he turned out to be rather cute. But story is kinda boring. The first half is all about Elias yelling at MC and MC apologizing for how she messed up. Their relationship kinda lacks something. If it weren't for the mirror they'd never even get along I suppose. Another thing that annoyed me was MC being way too nosy. I mean why the heck would she accept Merculova's request 'for the academy's sake' when she even doesn't know whether she'd be accepted or not? Please MC mind your own business.

Luca: My favorite route in S1. I found him quite attractive, MC and him had fun chemistry, plot was interesting. There're two things that bother me though; first, he used MC, and second, I'm not so sure what was genuine and what was lie... Still, I quite enjoyed him and his story. I wonder why in the world Schuyler would lock the child in the cellar. Ofc the child would be traumatized. Anyway, I know Luca's not the likeable type for all people but still he's one of my favorites.

Yukiya: Overall good route. I was very curious about his 'curse' and this story was really interesting because everything was a mystery. I enjoyed it. Both MC and him were literally the saviors to ach other. I also liked the last part, MC solving the 'contract' issue with another contract. He's like a 'closed' person but his nature is kindest among S1 characters. I dunno about the chemistry though... Still, he makes a great pair with MC. Both gave a positive impact, more like both were saviors to each other. Oh and I won't forget that chubby rabbit either.

S2 was a decent season as well.

Klaus: Nice route, and I found "time travel" very interesting but I still don't like the guy. I just can't stand this Mr. Stickuphisass sadist. Though he's super popular(idk why) I don't see any chemistry between him and MC whatsoever. He has a sharp tongue and kinda looks down on her.

Randy: Think in MC's perspective: wouldn't it be wonderful if your role model truly respects you and loves you just as who you are? This relationship is good for him as well, since she accepts all of him and helps him overcome his trauma. This route had good plot twist, and he was literally an angel. The only one who sincerely respected MC's lousy magic. A real breath of healing air between two jerks in S2. This route was just so heartwarming to read.

Azusa: Should I even talk about this jerk? Fake flirt, deceived, used, and physically+emotionally abused MC. He was even ready to kill her when we chose the wrong answer. But he never properly apologized to her till the very end. He doesn't deserve the happy ending with the MC. ...Yet, I don't think this route itself isn't badly written. Seems like Solmare tried to make some awfully dark story but turned out to be too much.

S3 was, um... so so?

Joel: Kinda close to canon cuz he loved MC for a long time and shares special memories with young MC so... hmmm he and MC was a fine pair, him being honest and caring and all, but I should say that if Eress wasn't there to save the day it would've been rather boring.

Vincent: He's way too old to be with MC, and I don't understand how come he loves the MC and vice versa. All that happened were just him rescuing her all the time and he's awfully cringy somehow. And worst of all, MC was worse than useless. She literally did nothing in this route, even when her boyfriend was on the verge of the death. All she did was crying. And last but not least, the happy ending ends with him saying "it's adult time" or whatever and it bugs me a ton. Hey, what're you exactly gonna do to her. Don't tell me you...

Leon: Is it possible to fall in love in less than 2 weeks when he is in a completely blank state? Leon was literally a blank sheet of paper and his route was all about MC throwing all her business behind to stick around this boy she had just met and teach him very basic stuffs as if she's a kindergarten teacher. There's nothing really interesting about Leon himself either. I mean, his real identity was something that we all could notice before the revelation and that's all. The story and the romance were very bland too. He seemed to love MC because she taught him emotions, and... MC loved him because... because... why did she love him? Maybe because he loved her? Or because he's handsome? Who knows.

S4. When the plot actually started to go downfall.

Cerim: I don't remember anything besides MC shone better than him(she saved him) at this route. Not bad, but that's because nothing was very memorable. No chemistry at all.

Guy: This kind of route seems to be everywhere. Good boy with a huge friend-like vibe. Their chemistry was good, as friends. They are best friends.

S5. Slightly better than S4 but well...

Leslie: Kinda bland route. Leslie nicely supported MC, and she wasn't very pathetic but she was always busy self deprivating which annoyed me a lot. Chica did a good job putting her into senses.

Sigurd: The route with best "newbie" MC. She really shone a lot in this route. I can't think she's the same MC from Vincent or Leon's MC. And this Sigurd... though MC stole the scene most of the time, he wasn't so bad. Though he did deceive MC it wasn't because he wanted to use her or something. He never looked down on her and considering he was her pen pal their bond is quite strong too. Storyline was interesting too, considering nothing really happened in Leslie's route.

[rabbithaver]

im workin on a long post for my kin blog, getting out some of my earliest memories from my life as Astrid, on DS9. i havent paid enough attention to that blog anyway so. ya know.

this post also got long so uhhh here's a read more. kinnie shit below the cut ig

so.

given how vivid a lot of my memories are, im pretty positive this was a very recent incarnation. like goddamn, it mightve even been the last one. i dream about that life almost every other night and i constantly find myself just... randomly recalling the most random things?

i was a non-canon shapeshifter hybrid thing. it was complicated. and looking back, pretty much my entire backstory pre-DS9 is awful.

FUCK section 31, like holy shit. in Steven Universe, when Amethyst yelled "i didn't ask to be made," i fucking FELT that. i was made to serve a purpose. they created me to use me. fuck, i was a kid and they experimented on me like a fucking insect. i was a kid and they traumatized me repeatedly and called it 'testing' and 'combat training.' i was a kid and they wanted to send me to war. they wanted to use me as a weapon.

i didnt even have a name. they never gave me a name, they just referred to me as 'the subject' or 'the specimen.' i had to choose one for myself

when i escaped, i didnt know what it felt like to be truly wanted and accepted. i couldn't trust anybody. i was so certain that every stranger i saw could have been an agent for S-31

as shitty as that life was at first, i wish i could go back. DS9 was a hell of a place to live. i miss it

[takerfoxx]

She Ra and the Power of Redemption!

A’ight, so, She-Ra’s coming back in a few days for their final season. Obviously I am SUPER excited about it, but before it drops, I need to get something I’m kind of worried about off my chest.

See, I’ve talked before about my big pet peeve in fiction, in which good or at least sympathetic characters do really bad things and don’t suffer appropriate consequences, sometimes because the writer just doesn’t understand the weight of what happened and wanted to rush a redemption arc or maybe get a little dirt on their heroes without really considering the implications or wanted to do something shocking and was clumsy and/or lazy about or even felt that they were justified even when they clearly weren’t. It’s even killed a few onetime favorite series of mine.

And I see the potential for She-Ra to make that same mistake here. And I think anyone who’s seen the show and has interacted with the fandom knows what I’m talking about.

I’m talking of course about Catra and Hordak’s potential redemption arcs.

Catra’s redemption is topic number one with the fans, because everyone wants to see it, but most people want to see it done right. The Catradora thing is the fuel on which the fandom runs, and I know quite a few people that would pop dem bottles if it were to become canon. And I totally get it: Catra is a magnificently written character, one who is super compelling, complex, and sympathetic, and her dynamic with Adora is just dripping with all sorts of tension. It’s the best friends to lovers AND enemies to lovers in the same package. Who wouldn’t want to see it?

Except, there is a problem...

See, one thing I have highly praised this show for is how, despite being a show targeted toward little girls, it paints a very realistic picture of abusive relationships and handles the subject with all the seriousness it deserves, from how they’re formed to how they continue to how the cycle goes from abuser to victim to next victim to so on. Horde Prime abused Hordak, Hordak abused Shadow Weaver, Shadow Weaver abused Catra and Adora, Adora broke free while Catra did not, Catra then abused Scorpia, Entrapta, Lonnie, Kyle, Rogelio, you get the picture. And they show it so wonderfully, in all of its forms.

But that leads us to that problem, and that is despite definitely being a victim of abuse, and despite all of her sympathetic qualities, Catra is still a terrible person! She became as much an abuser as Shadow Weaver, with how awfully she treated Scorpia, with backstabbing Entrapta and manipulating Hordak, with bullying her subordinates, to everything she’s done to Adora and all the lives she ruined from her exploits as Hordak’s second in command. She masterminded the destruction of Salineas, sent Entrapta off to die, treated the only person who has given her unconditional love like shit. Her damage and insecurities have driven her to worse and worse behavior, up and to including almost destroying the fucking world just so Adora couldn’t win again! TWICE!

Basically, after handling the abuse themes so well, it would really, really suck for her to just be taken back and forgiven like nothing had happened or only minor consequences after she inevitably switched sides, because that carries the message, however unintentional, that abuse victims should forgive and take back their abusers, that it’s up to them to be the bigger person and invite those who hurt them back into their lives, which history has only shown will just restart the cycle all over again.

However, all of that does not mean I don’t think Catra is beyond hope, or that she shouldn’t be redeemed at all. She is absolutely a victim of all the terrible treatment Shadow Weaver and Hordak put her through since childhood, be it physical, mental, or emotional, and I am NOT about to hold an emotionally traumatized teenager to the same standards I would hold those more fortunate. Plus, we’ve seen how much her actions haunt her, from her nightmares about Entrapta to her psychological breakdowns to everything Double Trouble exposed about her. And I do truly want what’s best for her.

So how should the show go about it? Well, I think my half-joking wishlist from earlier just about covered it: after switching sides and helping the Alliance ward off the Horde, Catra should leave. Whether or not she makes amends with Adora, whether or not she’s forgiven, Catra needs to leave those she’s hurt and go somewhere else to start over, to separate herself from those she has so many insecurities about and work on bettering herself. Because after everything she’s done, she really does need to put in a lot of work in order to properly fix herself before she can even think of reforging relationships with Adora or Scorpia or Entrapta. 

And honestly, I still think the Crimson Waste is perfect for her. She thrived while down there. And it does seem like it’s been set up specifically for her. And then...maybe a few years down the line, after she’s come to grips with herself...well, we’ll see.

Now, as for Hordak...

Look, I like the guy, I honestly do. His relationship with Entrapta gave me life, seeing how he was literally grown in a vat to be Space Hitler Jr., it’s no wonder that he turned out like he did. 

Buuuuut...he’s still a murderous despot with buckets of blood on his hands. I’m sorry, but he can’t have a switch sides, now it’s all good happy ending. He just can’t. 

Fortunately, even though he was far worse, his possible redemption has an easier solution. You know how Horde Prime restored him to factory settings, wiping his mind and sending him off to be processed or whatever?

What if he stays that way? What if he never gets his memories back? What if Hordak, the evil conquering dictator that ruined so many lives, just stays gone? But the newly wiped Hordak, upon encountering Entrapta, is able to recall just enough to know that he cares for her, prompting him to break free from Horde Prime’s control for her sake? Call it the Kubo and the Two Strings solution.

As for Shadow Weaver...no. Just no. She has no redeeming qualities at all. Everything bad that ever happened to her are a direct result of her own actions, she doesn’t have the brainwashed/designed that way excuse that Catra and Hordak have, she’s never done a single decent thing since becoming Shadow Weaver, and even after switching sides has continued to manipulate Glimmer and gaslight Adora. No redemption for her. And since Noelle has said that she hates killing off characters, I don’t see her getting killed either.

So just swap her for Angella. Send her to the other dimension and get our girl back.

And as for Entrapta and Double Trouble...dude, I don’t even know. Like, they also did bad things, but they’re kind of in their own weird moral worlds, and I don’t want to let them off the hook but also can’t fathom how that would even work...

You know what? They’re the weird exceptions that prove the rule, I guess.

(also note that even if they botch this, it probably won’t kill the show for me, as it’s still a kid’s show and it has built up a ton of good will, so my overall feelings will still be very positive, I’d just be bummed that they dropped the ball in this one, albeit very important, area)

[og-danny-dorito]

Bucky Barnes SFW Headcanons

a new hyperfixation to avoid my growing anxiety with my personal life? yall already know whats up, and i'm feeling angsty so brace yourself

PUBLISHED :  2 - 17 - 20

S F W : 

- to start off of a positive and happy note (jk you already know thats not how it works) its very likely that upon first meeting, any touch directed towards him is met with an alarmed grunt and/or a slap of your hand away

- anything unsolicited makes him nervous and uncomfortable, so if you really do want to pat his shoulder or hug him or something like that you'd have to ask if it's okay first. now it's pretty easy to see the reasoning behind this but for those doubting it i will explain

- big man has been trained to kill in hand to hand combat and advanced weaponry and countless other things, meaning that he's pretty much wired by this point to have a gut reaction that automatically goes to the fight or flight instinct. it doesn't make logical sense that he wouldn't get uncomfortable and jumpy at loud noises and unsolicited touching since his ptsd has accumulated over the years to MAKE him react like that. he doesn't want to accidentally punch you in the teeth

- like yeah he's all tough and shit and could break the a dude’s neck if he really tried, but the issue is that once his walls are broken down he's sort of akin to that of a regulated killing machine having to redo its wiring to be “normal” again. the transition itself would be traumatic, but the process of initiating it would be even more difficult

- so that means that in the first few months of his recovery, he probably would do a lot of absent-minded staring and just long spells of silence where he just doesn't do anything. it's sort of like a reloading point for his brain, and he starts to pick up the habit of daydreaming a lot. sometimes you'll have to say his name a few times to snap him out of it, but when he does come to he looks a little embarrassed

- it's not that easy to elicit an emotional reaction out of him. you'd have to be fairly close with him to actually get most responses out of him that are more than a word long, and so thus starts my favorite trope; hard depressed kill man falls for person who just Keeps Trying

- it's not that easy to get under his skin, but meeting him somewhere normally and constantly talking to him will probably start to make him feel more encouraged to speak in the sense of making normal conversation

- he's a little awkward so in this case patience goes a long way (as does with pretty much everything with him). it gets to the point where after a month or so he may feel weird if he doesn't talk to you at that specific time of the day. if he's grown that fond of you he'll even go out of his way to ask a few people where you are

- part of him hates getting this attached for a number of reasons. there's that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that his environment is temporary and getting attached to the things and people there will hurt him more than he'd like. while he knows that it's not temporary, that he's not leaving anytime soon and probably won't for a while, it all goes back to the killing machine thing

- when he was under hydra’s control, the only thing that was certain was the base he resided in and it's hard to come out of a state of mind where the only thing you know to be continuous is your continued existence as a tool. the place itself brings back horrible memories, but you get what i mean

- so initially he may resist conversation for that very reason

- he tends to pick up on details more than anything, and most of your smaller traits tend to make him quickly used to you. like for instance, if you're prone to pursuing your lips and narrowing your eyes at something odd you've heard or seen, he might find it cute mentally and then immediately correct himself for it. if you tend to snort a little and roll your eyes when you laugh, he's going to notice that and MAYBE try to pay more attention when something funny is said to hear it again

- i would generally think that he doesn't really have much a type or preference at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only thing he seemed consciously aware of that he likes in a partner is ability to understand. cause if you can't forgive him for the things he's done and see why he does what he does now, he can't bring himself to feel like he needs to go through all of his self hatred and doubt more intensely than he already is

- he probably is asexual as well but that's sort of iffy considering he's canon been in sexual relationships so that's a maybe. but he's definitely demiromantic. it's not that easy for him to find people attractive anymore. when he starts to get to know you better he starts feeling some sort of way and picking up on MORE details that you may not even notice yourself

- bucky is also incredibly skilled at remembering things you might've said a month ago and completely forgot about. some find this off putting and that's understandable, but when it comes down to it, its a product of sorta okay memory

- “My cousin almost flipped his car over this week.”

- “Phillipe?”

- “Uh, yeah. How did you...?”

- “You mentioned him two weeks ago... when he almost fell of your roof the week before.”

- “I did?”

- remembers dates, names, eye colors, and a multitude of other things, so sometimes he'll just mention something important you may have forgotten and pretend like he definitely wasn't paying too much attention to you. it's surprising how good his memory is even though he can't remember any of his past. so this most likely means that he has issues with remembering events and how they happened, but not the details of them. like how you can remember your shirt color a few week s back but not what you did while wearing that shirt

- and on that note, he kinda shuts down if he gets a weird flashback in the middle of something. they're mostly triggered by smells and sounds, but sometimes if he sees something while he's walking down the street he'll just stop and stare at it. it's best just to stop and stare at it with him, or alternatively if you don't want stares, act like you're taking a picture. but don't talk to him while it's happening cause it'll interrupt the train of thought and derail him completely

- he tends to talk a lot about things if he's grown very invested in them (he's very good at keeping focus). if you're out walking together or just sitting down he might stare and absentmindedly reach out to touch you before stopping himself at the last minute. gently grabbing his hand and placing it wherever he wanted to touch makes him flustered every time. that and hes super soft but is afraid to be vulnerable around anyone

- just gently grabbing his hand makes him all mushy, and it’s more often than not that he finds himself weak when someone shows pretty much any form of affection or endearment towards him

- probably not into pda though, not that much. he will hold your hand if you want to, but don’t expect to like sit in his lap or like straight upstart kissing in public cause any attention in a public setting makes him nervous

- really likes a kind of homey s/o. someone who likes to cook or bake or whatever makes him feel a little bit like he doesn't have to worry about something for a while. like if he comes home and dinner is just waiting on the table for him or you’ve already drawn a bath for him and/or made the bed or whatever, he literally appreciates that above pretty much anything else

- love language is most likely acts of service. hes not very good with words unless he like thinks it out beforehand, but pretty much buys you gifts all the time because he likes seeing you light up when you see them. he does try to spend as much time as he can with you but either anxiety gets the best of him or hes literally too busy, and so it ends up being more distant with him coming over a few times during the week, even if you live together. and we already know the deal with physical touch so im not gonna restate my strong belief in “big man has trauma no touch big man unless A S K”

- but a lot of the things he does are situational. one day he may be very down to be super affectionate and the other he’ll be painfully distant, but the main issue with all of it is that hes very very bad at communication

- this poses an issue for a number of reasons, but his responses and reactions are more physical than anything. so for instance, if hes uncomfortable with something he’ll start to shift and stare and be very tense the whole time it’s occurring, or if he’s feeling a bit more sad or depressed he’ll isolate himself and consistently stand slouched or look as if he hasn't gotten enough sleep. it’s mostly body language, but after a while he’ll feel safe enough to tell you how he feels about certain things

- this takes a while to actually happen, but when it does he manages to just,,, say things that are on his mind. like you’ll be reading or scrolling through your phone or whatever and he’ll randomly be like “The table has a lot of scratches on it.” it’s just observations he has, but usually it translates to him wanting to change the stated fact. best thing to do is just to roll with it, since hes practically learning how to communicate again and he’s picking up on things socially

- now let's get to the “a little fluffy” and “kinda-already-known” shit, shall we?

-  miscellaneous headcanons;

gets jealous pretty easily in the early stages of your relationship, but only ever indicates this by staring the person in question down and refusing to admit to it later

likes having his hair put up into cool hairstyles and likes colored rubber bands (or hair ties if youre not where i'm from). seriously, he may loose his shit if you just like put cool braids in his hair one day like hes a viking or whatever

kind of tone deaf but his singing is more of like this raspy and slightly more “Misty Mountains” vocals sounding

is touch sensitive, so even doing something as small as like rubbing your thumb on his arm makes his hair raise on end

doesn't like his metal arm at all and quite obviously wears long sleeves all the time to hide it, but occasionally wears short sleeves when he's feeling less insecure

oh, super insecure btw and THATS why he feels all mushy when someone is kind to him because he KNOWS he's a freak and that he's weird but you're not still being sweet??? too pure, must protect

gives great hugs since he practically smothers anyone he meets with them, but is also basically a walking heater

is terrified of the idea of taking care of children or just anything weaker than him, but is good with them since they always hang on his arms and hold his legs when he walks

super strong

likes sweets a whole lot, specifically fruity sweets like apple pie or peach cobbler. never bring those wallmart cakes or whatever near him cause it'll be gone in like an hour flat unless you tell him to leave you some

- in conclusion, he needs therapy and probably won't be very responsive when he's not sure what to do. it doesn't mean he loves you any less, but he may have a hard time communicating it to you. all he really needs is some patience and a bit of understanding, and he'll get better with the whole s/o thing soon enough. cause you mean the world to him, and he doesn't want anyone or anything to make you feel like less than that

[giogio-gucci-gangstar]

Oranges Have Feelings Too

Thank you @hoetaro-kujo for entering my little writing raffle! Hopefully you like this!!!

Summary: You and Mista enter a prank war against Fugo and Narancia. 

CW: Nicholas Cage 

“Babe?” Mista called from the other room. You shifted in your seat. Your head was still dangling off the edge of the couch as you bookmarked the page of your latest mystery thriller, eventually sitting up.

The world spun a bit as he blood rushed out of your head before you replied. “Yes?” You were a bit hesitant. You weren’t sure if this was going to be one of his sweet and sassy moods, or if he was already scheming for some fun. Either worked for you, even though you were on the shyer side, Mista and the gang made you feel comfortable to be yourself. It also helped that you loved Mista and everything he did. 

As you walked to the kitchen to meet him, you tried to smooth down the wrinkles in your hoodie. 

“So,” Mista threw a nut into his mouth, “remember THE INCIDENT?” By the way he said it, Mista was definitely hinting at something specific. But with him, there were too many incidents to count. 

“When No. 5 got scared and tried to crawl up your-“ Mista cut you off quickly.

“GOD NO!” While that event had been traumatizing, for both of you, it was not the incident he was referring to. Given how he nervously bit his lip, it would seem the incident he was talking about rattled him more emotionally… 

“Ya know…” he managed to spit out. He made a few incomprehensible hand gestures and continued, “the one with Narancia and Fugo?” He raised his eyebrows suggestively, hinting that you should definitely remember what had happened with them… Simultaneously refusing to give you any more details. 

“Oh come on Mista stop being so cheeky and just tell me!” You were getting a little frustrated at this game of his. 

But he just batted his eyes at you from across the kitchen, “I thought you liked my butt cheeks…” 

“Oh shut up!” you were a little flustered so it took a moment to carefully choose your next guess. “Was it when we walked in on Fugo and Narancia kissing?” You offered. 

“Noooo! How many times do I have to tell you, they weren’t kissing! They were just trying to bandage the cuts from where they had stabbed each other! At most it was a brotherly hug.” He was getting frustrated now. Apparently the incident he was talking about was too difficult to physically talk about. 

“Ohhhh was it when they, ya know, wrote,” Mista’s eyes bulged terrified that you would say the cursed word, “a certain scary number, all over your clothes?” Mista was shaking from the memory. 

It had been a terrifying day for him. He nearly pulled his hair out because he couldn’t find a single article of clothing without a number 4 written all over it in black ink. You had never seen him so stressed, clothes were being thrown all over his room, and lights broke, but his high pitched screams pierced all other noises. 

“Yes yes that one!!” Mista was flailing his arms around, so excited that you had guessed correct. 

“So now that I’ve won your little game of charades, will you tell me why we’re playing?” You couldn’t help but tease him back. The boy was so outrageous your sarcasm just dripped when he was around. 

“Well,” ah there was that glint in his eye. He was already incredibly handsome, but when he was feeling mischievous his eyes were almost radiant. He puffed out his chest a bit and he folded his arms with a certain swagger. 

“I have found a way to get revenge.” 

“Oh really?” You leaned over the kitchen island looking at him. “And what might that be?” Sure it was probably a little immature to scheme against your teammates, who hopefully weren't eavesdropping from their rooms down the hall. But a little prank war was necessary for morale, no matter how many times Buccellati and Abbacchio insisted it wasn't. 

Mista’s face lit up in a maniacal grin, “I’m going to convince Narancia that some fake facts are true!” He was so excited he was practically vibrating. 

“Remember how angry Fugo was when Narancia told him the earth was flat? It's like two birds with one stone! Tricking Narancia and pissing off Fugo!” Mista was very proud of his plan. He was practically patting himself on his back. 

“I think the next one will be that vaccines don't work! Or that birds are government surveillance drones!” Mista kept prattling on about nonsense conspiracy theories, that Narancia would be very easily convinced were true. 

Of course you were very proud of him, and obviously that would be hilarious to watch. But you remembered how terrified he was by their last prank… He needed to do something even worse back to them. Funny for you two to watch of course, but also just a little scarring for the boys. 

“That would be hilarious, but maybe you want to do something a little more permanent? Like really screw with their heads and stuff?” Mista scrunched up his eyebrows and looked at you in confusion. 

“Just because their last joke was a little… cruel? I think we should be a little edgier with our retaliation strike.” You were a little worried he would think you were taking it a step too far, but after a few more seconds of pondering, his face lit up again. 

“Lets do it!” You met his grin with a warm smile. This was going to be a very exciting day. 

“So. What do you have in mind?” Mista asked, but the gears were already spinning in your mind. 

“Who does Fugo hate most in the world?” 

“Always himself, sometimes Narancia…” He stopped to think for a little, “Oh and always Nicholas Cage.” 

“Brilliant! Now, what is Narancia’s favorite food?” This was the real clincher. Yes, Narancia was baby, but he was also a baby who carried a switch blade and was super excited to use it. 

“Uhhh maybe strawberry cake? Oranges? Chocolates? Really I don't think he would turn down anything sweet.”

“Perfect.” It was all coming together. 

~~~~~~~

“I don't think i ever need to see Nicholas Cage’s face again.” Mista complained as he slid down the closed door of Fugo’s room.  

“Too bad you’re looking at him right now,” you snickered as you held up a print of him in front of your face. You were pretty proud of your handiwork. There was not an inch of Fugo’s room that was not covered in Nicholas Cage’s face. Mista had even wrapped his pencils and books with the wrapping paper you had custom printed. You were down about 50 Euros, but it was a small price to pay when you saw Fugo’s reaction to this masterpiece.  

The clock struck 12 and you heard the ridge door open in the kitchen. Aaaaand here he was. Right on time. 

“WHAT THE FUCK!” His scream was muffled by the door, but evidently he had seen Nicholas Cage’s face duct taped on his sandwich too. You quickly pulled Mista into Fugo’s closet so you could have prime seats of the impending meltdown. 

Fugo’s footsteps were heavy as he pounded his way down to his room. You had to cover Mista’s mouth to keep him from snickering and giving away your position. Then there it was, the fateful turn of the doorknob. 

You peered through a crack in the door and saw a look of pure terror spread across Fugo’s face as he saw even his bed covered in Nicholas Cage’s face. He took a shaky breath and tore back the comforter to see that Nicholas Cage was IN his bed too. His breath was coming in fast bursts as he spun around the room. He spun again. And then again, before releasing an unearthly howl. 

“MISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” 

Mista couldn't contain his laughter anymore and cackled his ass off as he sprinted out of the closet and down the hall before Fugo could catch him. 

~~~~~~~

“Are you ready for this responsibility Number Five?” Mista held the little Sex Pistol up to his face. The poor little guy was crying tears of joy, he was never chosen for anything and now he was given one of the greatest responsibilities: to help Mista prank Narancia. 

Number Five gave a small mumble of affirmation and an enthusiastic nod of his head. All amidst happy tears. Mista gave him a piece of salami before cutting a little hole in the orange for Number Five to hide in. He carefully stuck the skin back over Number Five’s little hole, and placed the bait on the kitchen counter. 

You sat at the table watching and waiting for everything to go down. Sure, you were the mastermind of this operation but you weren't foolish enough to get caught. You had to preserve your spot as everyone’s friend in the gang. 

“Oi Narancia!” Mista called the boy playing video games in the other room. 

“Yeah?” 

“I just got some oranges, do you want one?” Mista was awful at hiding his plan. He was snickering so badly he had to cover his face with his hand. But those big brown eyes always gave his mischief away. 

Luckily Narancia was too preoccupied with the thought of food to notice. He promptly paused his game, and strolled into the kitchen. You knew he would pull out the biggest and juiciest orange so you just waited. 

He started to peel it, then paused when he heard a small whimper coming from the orange. 

“Ow!” A brief look of confusion passed over Narancia’s face. He must have figured it wasn't real. 

“It hurts!” There it was that little voice again. Narancia’s eyes shot open in confusion. He held the orange farther away from his body as he turned to Mista. 

“Oranges don't have feelings, right?” Narancia was hesitant in asking his question. 

“Well,” Mista paused trying to sell his character, “I did see this documentary that said plants can feel pain. Especially trees when they’re being cut down.” Narancia just stared at the little orange cupped in his hands. 

“Please don't peel my skin! It hurts!!” This time Narancia was sure he heard a voice. While scared that his food was talking, it was pretty damn cool that he had made a scientific discovery. Narancia was so expressive, all of his thoughts played out on his face like a little show. 

He sprinted away, hopefully to find Fugo. 

Once he was gone, Mista keeled over you in a fit of laughter. 

“Ya know babe,” Mista pulled you against him in a tight hug, “that was pretty brilliant.” He placed a gentle kiss on your lips and held you tight. At least until the other boys figured it out. 

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET EPISODE 14

Oh man, the screen cap for this episode is Tohru crying. I’m so in for it, aren’t I?

- SHIGURE WATCH: Why didn’t he go to Kyoko’s grave with the rest of them? Isn’t that lowkey impolite? What came up? Did he feel that if he were to go his frosty heart would truly melt completely? Hmmm... 🧐

OOO! New opening! It’s energetic and fun! I like the metaphor of the sunshine after rain and how that relates to the zodiac and Tohru. I like the character themed umbrellas. It’s all cute and fun. (Although, I am still dreadfully in love with ‘Again’, sorry)

- I love how much Tohru’s friends look up to Kyoko! It’s really just nice and I like how throughout this episode they kind of are there to keep things light and positive for Tohru knowing that this must be crushing her inside. Good friends! Everyone deserves good friends :)

- I too would love to see present day Kyo meet Kyoko! Any period of time interaction actually... (a boiling pot is bubbling within my heart in anticipation...)

*computer voice* Heart Stability has dropped down to 80%

- I love (love in the way of appreciating the work put into the anime) that Momiji’s accent drops when he’s around his mother and it just further highlights that he puts the accent on and the german phrases as a way of acknowledging and feeling closer to his mother. Even though she doesn’t remember him, he always will! Ok. Heart stability has dropped down to 50%

- Although it’s kind of nice how his mother still seems to care about him. Even if it is in the most general way.... Trying to find the positives, guys

So... this has kind of been a thought for a while, but the whole thing about using memory erasure to ‘cure’ people of their sadness is kind of... hmmm...

I get it. This is an extremely peculiar situation but this situation and also Kana’s situation both read to me as depression (in Momiji’s mother’s situation ‘post partum depression). And both depression and suicidal thoughts can be stemmed from one root but also a lot of the time that root tends to have many branches. So, would their depression really be ‘fixed’ by memory erasure? Life can be full of traumatic incidents, they can’t just erase someone’s memory every time a situation comes up. It feels a bit... irresponsible. But tbh, we’re talking about the Sohma family who aren’t the most emotionally healthy nor emotionally conscious group of people so...

- Also, I just clocked that this is a big reason as to why Momiji and Hatori seem to have such a close relationship! Although, it must be tough on Momiji knowing that Hatori was the one to take away his mother’s memories. And I also guess Hatori is trying to atone for it by being an additional parental figure in Momiji’s life... (a little bit of a reflection of a character that will be introduced probably at the end of this season... ahem.)

- But Momiji’s outlook on loss and his situation with his mother is so healthy! (Maybe too healthy) And emotionally mature! And he’s just trying so hard! I’m crying through my typing. Also...

Heart stability has dropped down to 40%

- Yuki has been clocking that Kyo has feelings for Tohru since the spa episode and I love it

- I was considering not doing an outfit appreciation this week cos it just felt so emotionally heavy but OUTFIT APPRECIATION: To both Uo and Hana. Hana as usual is coming through with the gothic queen realness, also love the dramatic flair of the veil and how it’s used later... And Uo! With Kyoko’s jacket! Just super badass and I love it. I love both of them in this episode. They definitely got together before this and agreed to just make sure that Tohru is happy and ok and keep the energy positive and I love it! (It’s a tragedy that they’re not romantically involved with each other)

- Although I do worry that Tohru has clocked this energy and is putting on a happy face to comfort everyone else and not let anyone worry about it. This was the first anniversary and she didn’t get a chance to cry. As someone who’s been there, it’s a bit... worrying

oh SHIT. (Btw, cinematic realness. We only expect the best from Uotani scenes) I am not ready for... newly adapted scenes. I quit. I don’t wanna play anymore. Heart stability has dropped to 10%

- I also love Uo just constantly reading the Sohma boys from head to toe and getting it 100% accurate.

Heart stability has risen to 40%

Waiit...

(I TOTALLY THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA KISS HER. BUT THIS IS MY NEW LAPTOP BACKGROUND ANYWAY.)

Heart stability has dropped to 0%

I can’t. I’m not ready. I’M NOT READY. FUCKIn- CLOWNING OVER HERE. 

Well... clearly I need to recharge. And I have no idea what next week is gonna bring but I’m sure I’ll find out either through the tag or my memories of the anime/manga dripping through the bag of soil they’re in right now. Phew. Anyway... how about that new Spider-Man film, huh? (It was aite)

[tocxmply-archive]

FIRST INCARCERATION

[sources: click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click]

          why was Bucky chosen to become the Winter Soldier? we don’t really have evidence that he was initially chosen specifically, and it is likely that his fate came out of a succession of events --- the prisoners taken by Red Skull were no doubt offered to Arnim Zola to be used in human experimentation, to endorse HYDRA’s attempt at synthesizing their own version of the super-serum --- and super-soldier. we’re not told exactly how many prisoners underwent experimentation nor what happened to them but, based on the events that happen at the factory in “Captain America: The First Avenger”, it is not far-fetched to assume that only Bucky survived said experimentation --- which, obviously, makes him an invaluable specimen for Zola, if he wants his breakthrough to continue. we also see that Zola really isn’t happy with Red Skull’s idea to blow up the building, and how he scampers away to gather as much of his notes and research as he can --- it is very possible that he considered Sergeant Barnes lost at this point, but if he managed to save his annotations on the progress so far then, at the very least, he could eventually start anew with some other unfortunate guinea pig. 

          the encounter by that makeshift bridge between Steve, Bucky, Red Skull, and Zola is also highly significant in its symbolic value --- while Steve and Red Skull are engaged in their verbal and physical confrontation, Bucky and Zola are instead focused on one another --- on one end, having traumatic recollection of everything this insane doctor has already done to him and, on the other, realizing that Captain America may well be able to save Sergeant Barnes, and it might pay to go looking for him later on. after all, and as mentioned, Bucky was the only one able to 1) survive the impact of a proto-serum in his organism and 2) someone that Zola had already begun tampering with (i will expand on this one idea in the next paragraphs). therefore, i personally interpret this as, whereas Bucky might not have been specifically chosen to be injected with proto-serum (mostly, he was at the wrong place during the wrong time), he was most definitely pinpointed by Arnim Zola to be capitalized on --- to be retrieved, later on, so that he could continue his experiments where they were stopped and based on the data he already collected.

now, this meta will split into two major points i want to address.

1. CONSEQUENCES OF THIS FIRST INCARCERATION

          when Steve finds Bucky in the factory, strapped to that experimentation bench, he’s very clearly not aware of reality --- he’s repeating his name + number + rank in a mechanical manner, which can be taken as a sign of having been tortured up until recently, and he’s not even aware that he’s now on his own and that the entire building is about to go up in a blast. with Steve’s help, he snaps out of this daze but promptly shows difficulties to stand up and walk on his own --- though, at the same time, he doesn’t need too long to recover from this. in my interpretation, this is a clear sign he was already injected with the proto-serum, which allows for this hasty recovery of his physical body (and which, later on, will also explain how he was able to survive the fall from that train).

          whereas Bucky seems to be mostly fine at a physical level, however, sporting “only” a few bruises and internal bleeding in his left ear, it his clear that his demeanor hits a turning point at this moment. for example, during the scene where the soldiers are returning to/ entering the military camp, we can see the grievous expression on Bucky’s face, even when Steve smiles at him. a few minutes later, Bucky is the first one raising Captain America and demanding applause and cheer for him, and here, yes, he is smiling --- however, if we zoom on him during this scene, we can also see that his smile disappears as soon as Steve isn’t looking anymore.

          does this mean that Bucky is now jealous of Steve? is now jealous of the scrawny little sickly boy who, magically, became tall and buff and the new hero of the military and of America in general? i’m gonna go out on a limb (...this is a really bad pun for a Bucky roleplayer, i am v sorry) and say that, yes, yes he is jealous of Steve now. i mean, who in their right mind wouldn’t be, when realizing the wonder that is Captain America? it’s a completely natural and genuine human reaction. however, i also firmly believe that this isn’t a toxic form of envy --- as in, because Steve is now better than me, i have to knock him down and ruin it for him. not at all. one, this isn’t the sort of person Bucky has ever been and, two, no way he would have joined the Howling Commands if this was the case. the way i see it, this is more of a “wow everyone loves him now, he doesn’t need me anymore, how can i even compete with this, i will never be this good, probably no one else needs me anymore either”. something that he forces himself to keep hidden, because not only this is war and no one needs to hear his whining but, obviously, Steve is still his beloved best friend. hence, being the first one to cheer on Captain America --- even with insecurity and self-doubt already eating at him from the inside out.

          on the other hand, the undeniable fact that Bucky was tortured in that factory AND already used as a guinea pig. again, we don’t know exactly what was done to him, but it is safe to assume he was injected with the proto-serum against his will --- and i think it is also safe to assume that, at least once, he’s been forced through a session of electroconvulsive stimulation/ electroshock (ECS). we can clearly see that the bruises on his face form a pattern along his left cheekbone and forehead, which coincides very much with the position that the Winter Soldier, later on, is placed on the ECS chair for mind wiping (additionally, it is plausible that the internal ear bleeding was caused, precisely, by this machine and the strain/pressure it inflicts). were Bucky’s memories already affected/ twisted at this point? likely not, because it isn’t something that you can achieve in such a brief period of time --- at this point, likely, Zola was experimenting with both the proto-serum and this preliminar protocol of ECS, and taking notes on the results both things were provoking so far. nonetheless, there is absolutely no doubt that they configured highly traumatic experiences, and it is these symptoms exactly that i will explore next.

          after the return to the camp, we see Bucky next at the bar, when Steve is recruiting the Commandos --- and, whilst he may look the same for the most part, there is an actual rift between this Bucky and the Bucky who joined the military. first and foremost, he clearly stopped caring for his appearance as much as he used to. initially, we see him all composed and prim in his uniform, with the tie and shirt and the hat and all that. he looks impeccable, not only in looks but in body language; he is confident and carefree and charming. now? we see immediately that he didn’t bother to button up his shirt, didn’t bother with a tie, didn’t bother with a hat and practically didn’t bother combing his hair, didn’t bother to shave --- which may not seem a big thing by 2019 standards, but it was a definite faux-pas for a proper gentleman in the 1940s and let alone for a sergeant. lack of self-care is a hallmark of depression, no matter what year it happens at.

          additionally, Bucky’s body language is at the polar opposite end of what it used to be. he still tries to keep his smug facade, yes (for example, he tries to flirt with Peggy), but it’s evident his heart isn’t into it. his mind is somewhere else. he’s doing it, exactly, to keep up the image of everything he used to be. his gaze is mostly vague and not focused on Stave when they talk, he’s slouching both when sitting and when standing up, the tone of voice is monotonous even when he tries to flirt or makes jokes. he also makes comments such as “i’m invisible” or “i’m turning into you, this is a horrible dream” --- which can easily be brushed off as joking, should anybody ask, but which are very clearly self-deprecating in their nature. a negative vision of the self and of the self’s worth, which is another hallmark of depression. and let’s not forget that, whilst the Commandos are all banded together and having fun at the other room, Bucky has purposefully secluded himself up until the moment Steve goes to find him --- isolation is yet another hallmark. given all these signs, then, i interpret this as Bucky already struggling with depression at this point, caused by 1) Stave’s sudden change that he doesn’t know how to cope with (being genuinely happy for his friend, yes, but now being deprived of a constant in his life), and 2) the violation of human rights and torture he was subjected to at the hand of Zola, that clearly shattered his sense of safety, of agency, and of self-efficacy AND, potentially, began shattering his identity (if Red Skull was injected with serum and became that aberration, is this going to happen to me as well? will i become one of them?). 

          at the same time, Bucky is quite clearly dealing with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder as well --- being a prisoner of war (and war, by itself) is already enough to provoke this, now imagine also being subjected to human experimentation. we see that, from this moment forth, he never again wears a hat and he never again wears a tie nor any other sort of accessory close to his neck --- in my interpretation, both clear signs that he isn’t comfortable anymore with anything at all tight around his head/ face/ neck --- as it reminds him too much of Zola’s creepy, wretched apparatus. on the other hand, we don’t really see what the daily life of the Commandos is like, but i wouldn’t be surprised if Bucky’s self-care continues to decay throughout the missions.

          so, at this point, what do we have? we have Bucky struggling with symptoms of depression and of post-traumatic stress disorder and dealing with these via denial + dissociation --- because we gotta go get HYDRA and there’s no time to properly address any of this. we have Bucky struggling to find a place for himself in this new world, where Steve doesn’t need his protection anymore and, more, Steve has become America’s idol and has set up standards he himself will never be able to achieve. and, yet, we have Bucky trying his best to keep going forward and to keep supporting his friends and his country. we see him with zero hesitation to join the Commandos, even if the prospect of running into HYDRA (particularly, Arnim Zola) again and to possibly be captured once more, no doubt, terrifies him. as it would terrify any human being in their right mind. but he keeps going.

2. THE CHOSEN ONE

          to conclude, this is a really corny title, but it’s how it popped in my mind --- because, based on what i have discussed above, i interpret the events at the train as premeditated and not as a coincidence --- the Commandos weren’t chasing Zola, Zola was purposefully luring them in by revealing his whereabouts so openly. why? because he wanted to recover his precious experiment and to continue his work. because it was a god-sent that Captain America saved Sergeant Barnes when Zola had already resigned himself to having to start this project from scratch, and he’ll now do whatever it takes to get his hands on him again. for example, we see that Steve and Bucky were purposefully separated in the train, and at no point Bucky was forced to fight an opponent that might seriously risk killing him. and why else would Zola have set up a recording system in the train, if not to keep track of how matters are unfolding? his intention, clearly, was to be rid of/to kill Captain America and, at the same time, to recapture Sergeant Barnes to continue his research. now... of course, the whole Bucky falling off the train was certainly not planned, and by logic it would have ruined Zola’s dream. however, we also see that, later on, when he’s being interrogated, he’s told that he was responsible for the loss of Cap’s dearest friend --- and we so clearly see that creepy expression that takes over his face, because he knows what he has done. he knows there is a real chance that the proto-serum might have prevented his guinea pig from dying --- and, if he’s lucky enough, HYDRA will find him and keep him safe and sound for him till he can return to the project.

[conversationswithmybipolarchild]

#4: MENTALLY ILL FAMILY

FELICITY: So. Welcome home.

ANJA: Yes.

F: Are you glad to be home?

A: Yeah. Very.

F: That was a long time at your dad’s this time. Did you have a good time?

A: I did.

F: Want to cheers our sugar free fudge pops?

A: Yes.

F; Your dad and I used to cheers our food. One time, at our rehearsal dinner for our wedding, we cheers-ed our hamburgers and my aunt yelled out, “I’ve never seen that before in my life!” It was kind of funny, but anyway. I’m glad you’re home.

F: So, we’re not going to play catch-up. We missed four questions and one topic. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. That’s too much to catch up on.

F: Tonight’s topic is “Living with mentally ill family.” I picked that topic.

F: So, what is your experience growing up with mentally ill family?

A: I’m going to say this again: your mental illness hasn’t affected me that much.

F: Except my irritability.

A: True. True.

F: The majority of my family is undiagnosed. It runs pretty deep, ranging from severe psychotic bipolar disorder to depression to OCD. My paternal side, especially. Ninety-nine percent of it undiagnosed, but it has caused a lot of painful memories, and an unpleasant childhood. For me, the worst part about that is denial.The fact that some people, not going to name names, but some people deny that the bad stuff happened. To them, life was great and normal.

A: It’s probably because for them, it was another day in the life.

F: It’s also because mental illness comes with delusions. They have delusions that everything was great. But even when I was small, I knew it wasn’t. And now that I look back on it, I know it definitely wasn’t, and it screwed me up for a long time.

F: Still, somehow, finding out you had a mental illness shocked me! It shouldn’t have, but it did. I can look at almost every family member on that side, and know that they all have something going on. Even down to me, and my brother, we both have something going on.

F: So, my experience growing up with mentally ill parent or parents. What’s the word I’m looking for? Traumatic? Like what you told me one time, what is it? CPTSD?

A: Yeah. Complex PTSD.

F: Complex PTSD. Yeah. I definitely think that’s something. There was never money. When there was money, there was wild spending. There wasn’t money because there was wild spending. We never had a stable place to live.

A: You can relate to that in two different experiences.

F: I can relate in many different ways.

F: We didn’t have a place to live sometimes. Everything was always somebody else’s fault. Vacations were taken when rent should’ve been paid. We came home from vacation to eviction notices. There was a lot of instability. There was a lot of anger. There was a lot of instability in mood. I never knew. I would walk home from school and see the car in the driveway and be terrified because I didn’t know what I was walking in to. Was it going to be fine? Or was it going to be traumatic? The moods were all over the place. I didn’t know.

F: I feel like it wasn’t just that, though. On the other side of my family, my other parent used their illness to slowly kill themselves. Death by installment plan. There was instability there. Definitely, when someone uses their physical illness to try to end their life, that is mentally unwell. Putting a 13-14 year old in the position of taking care of a grown adult because they were purposefully neglecting their health is pretty shitty. So, there were a lot of factors in my childhood that made growing up with mentally ill parents very very unpleasant.

A: You having depression, I don’t think it’s affected me negatively that much. If anything, we can relate, because you know how to deal with things in a healthy way. You know how to cope healthily. You know what’s going on when I’m in a depressive phase. We almost bond over it.It’s weird.

F: We bond over weird things sometimes. Like, mental health. I don’t feel like I cope with my mental illness in a healthy way. Which, is why I weigh as much as I do.

A: Yeah. True.

F: I have terrible coping mechanisms. Granted, it could be worse, but it’s still not healthy. But I do want to teach you how to cope in a healthy way. I feel like I’ve passed the food addiction trait on to you, though.

A: You have, which, is why I weigh as much as I do.

F: Partially. Your bipolar meds aren’t helping any.

A: I don’t use it as a coping mechanism. I just love food. Unless it’s an unconscious thing. I don’t even know. I don’t think I have anything to cope with, really. I mean, my bipolar is just there. It’s like, it does affect me negatively, but how do you cope with that? It’s just anger and then it’s over. There’s nothing to cope with.

F: I guess it’s at this point, I feel good that I haven’t traumatized you into needing unhealthy coping tools.

F; Do you eat when you’re angry? Do you have the urge to eat then?

A: No. Not at all. I’m repulsed by food when I’m angry. I have the urge to eat when I’m bored.

F: That’s a lot of people. I never thought about it like that. I turn to food for every single thing. Happy. Sad. Angry. Celebrating. Anything.

A: When I’m angry I’m thinking about not being angry. I’m thinking about fighting with you to get you to see my side. It’s either you or the boys that make me angry. Mostly you. I don’t even end up making that argument, it just passes.

F: You don’t eat to stop being angry.

A: I don’t. I lose my appetite.

F; We’ll have to talk about coping mechanisms in another topic. Where were we when we got off on that?

A; You coping healthily.

F; Yeah, I totally do not cope in a healthy way.

A: I never thought about you using eating as a coping mechanism.

F: Oh yeah. But I was raised that way. I was raised to fix everything with food. Food was the center of everything. You fix the good. You fix the bad. It doesn’t matter what it is, food is involved. I fully believe my parents are food addicts. I mean, I’ve been dieting since I was twelve. I started gaining weight when I was about eight years old, when some really real shit started going down and I used food to deal with it. So, I don’t think I cope healthily.

A: I feel like most of your aggression isn’t tied to your depression. You don’t seem very depressed. There’s aggression on a daily basis. Like, on a daily basis, you’ll get mad at me for stuff I don’t really understand. You get mad at me for getting frustrated, and I can’t really help it.

F; I will correct you and say, I don’t get mad at you for getting frustrated. I get mad at the way you act. I’m not even mad at you. You’re not going to be able to throw tantrums when you’re at your job or whatever, so you’re going to have to learn to control how you act. That’s all I’m doing. I hear what you’re saying, though.

F: Aggression is one hundred percent part of depression.

A: I know that aggression is a symptom of depression, but I don’t think you’re depressed every single day of your life.

F: Oh, no, I am. Totally. One hundred percent, I am.

A: That’s kind of sad.

F: Every single day. I always feel depression every single day. Even on medication.

A: So, there’s no, like, stability?

F: The stability is depression. It is always there. I used to tell your dad, when we were married, I don’t know what happiness feels like. I can imitate it, but I’ve never felt it.

A: I’m taking a big sip of my tea and trying to process this.

F: I thought you knew.

A: I didn’t know. I guess it’s true. I guess there’s not a time when you’re not affected by your mental illness, but for me, it’s either drastic mania or drastic depression or stability. I thought everybody with mental illness had that stability.

F: I feel depression every single day. That is my stability.

A: I guess I feel the effects of mania every day. Because my thoughts are never not racing. When I’m manic, they’re racing more, but I feel like other people’s thoughts move slower.

F: Mine do. That’s why I move slowly and talk slowly. My brain is moving slower than yours.

A: Do you think when I was younger and I had that stutter, it was because my brain was moving so much faster because of my mental illness? Everybody said it was because I was smart, but now, I don’t know.

F: It’s possible. I don’t know, because I don’t know anything about racing thoughts. I know you have them, but I don’t know what it’s like to have them. That is a symptom of some mental and behavioral issues, but I don’t have experience with it. I never have racing thoughts, ever.

F: My brain moves Oklahoma slow. No offense to any fellow Okies, but for real.

F: So, back on topic, the aggression and irritability I feel also comes from pretty severe anxiety. Which, since five years ago, I’ve been working my butt off to overcome.

A: Yeah, and you’ve gotten a lot better.

F: I’ve done, what’s it called? Exposure therapy? Putting myself in those positions that I was afraid of, and realizing they’re not as bad as I thought they’d be.

A: You’ve gotten yourself out of your comfort zone. And no one can get you out of your comfort zone except you. You should never be forced out of your comfort zone. Like, my friends are always trying to push me out of my comfort zone, but that’s not really their place.

F: Yeah, well, I forced myself out of my comfort zones and my anxiety has improved tremendously. But anxiety is still a huge source of aggression and irritability, and I know that the irritability affects you. You may not know when I’m super depressed or whatever.

A: It’s because you hide it.

F: Or maybe it’s what you’re used to.

A: You notice when I’m depressed, though.

F: I do. I see it in everybody. I’m so overly aware of everybody’s emotions.

A: It honesty sucks that I get mania way more than depression because I’d rather have depression than mania.

F: Why? [cringing]

A: Because when I’m manic...nevermind, It’s hard to explain.

F: I don’t know, I guess from a Major Depressive standpoint, depression fucking sucks

A: Depression fucking sucks, but it sucks less than mania.

F: I don’t know, having it every day and having it bog me down, sucks. You know better than I do, the two poles. I know one of them and I know how much I’ve suffered with it. I know self harm and suicide is a big factor in that one. I have experiences with those. It’s not an area that I want you or anybody else to experience.

A: I guess I live with mania everyday. That’s why I’m on an antipsychotic and not an antidepressant. Because the mania greatly overpowers the depression.

F: Definitely. That’s why you’re Bipolar 1. Because you are far more manic than you are depressed. From an MDD standpoint, I’d love to have some mania every once in a while. I feel like I’d have more energy. I’d get stuff done. I wouldn’t be trodding through the rain so much.

F: However, I do know that mania comes with a lot of risky behaviors. If I were to have bouts of mania, I’d probably be pretty broke. I’m pretty good with my money right now. And I probably wouldn’t have some of the relationships that I do. I feel like maybe because of my depression, or because of the childhood I had, I’m pretty empathetic towards other people, and people like that.

A: Compassion is one of the best traits you can have. There’s nothing better than a person who understands. Like, I would consider myself a compassionate person. I’m pretty understanding.

F: One thing that I envy about you though. You have compassion now that you’re medicated. You didn’t have compassion when you were younger and that broke my heart. I used to think you were a sociopath.

A: I think I was. Maybe I was a psychopath. For real.

F: Yeah, you had no compassion. You have compassion now. But, you don’t have...I feel like you have a healthy amount of empathy but you’re not an empath. Because being an empath is so overwhelming.

A: Isn’t that when you take on the emotions of other people? I do that sometimes.

F: I do that with every single person I come in contact with.

A: Fine. Prove your point.

F: Ha ha. That is my point. I mean, when a friend halfway across the world has a problem, I take it on as my own. When my parents were back and forth with their relationship, I took on their problems as my own. I’ve stressed myself out over other people’s issues. Hell, I can’t even watch clips of people falling or nut shots without literally feeling the pain for those people. Like, for real, my legs will hurt when I see someone fall.

A: Do you ever get second hand embarrassment?

F: Totally. But I have to talk myself through that.

A: I used to be so obsessed with Full House when I was like, seven? And remember even then that I’d have to hide my face when something embarrassing would happen. Do you get that?

F: Definitely, but I’ve gotten better about it. It’s not my embarrassment to carry.

A: We got way off topic.

F: Yes. So, get us back on topic.

A: So, my brother is bipolar like me.

F: Pretty much exactly like you.

A: I see a lot of myself in him. And I feel so bad for you guys when I was eight, cause I’m not even a caregiver and that’s still a lot to deal with.

F: Not only that, but you were a lot worse when you were eight. But that’s because we didn’t know what the hell was wrong with you.

A: There’s a lot of compassion you give him, because you know what he’s going through, and I feel so bad for this, but I find myself getting jealous. I feel like the whole experience would have been a lot better if you had given me that compassion.

F: True. But we didn’t know what was wrong with you.

A: Yeah. That’s understandable.

F: So, anyway, back on topic. Do you think you’ve been raised by one or two mentally ill parents?

A: Well, I feel like my father is probably not neurotypical. I’m sorry if you’re reading this, Dad, but I feel like there is some sort of mental illness going on with him.

A: There’s that...inconsistency. There definitely was a lot of instability, too. And, um, he’s still indecisive. He broke promises a lot.

F: Broke, or breaks?

A: He doesn’t break them a lot now, but he definitely did back in the day.

F: So, you think you’re being raised by a bunch of non-neurotypical people? Cause you’ve got me, primarily raising you, you’ve got your dad, your grandma lives here.

F: Do you know anybody that’s neurotypical?

A: I don’t think I’m friends with any neurotypical people.

F: What about relatives?

A: I don’t think I do, actually.

F: [laughing]

A: That’s really funny. I don’t know a neurotypical person. At least not in real life.

F: Yeah, I think everybody’s got some degree of something. Whether they admit to it or whether they believe it or not, everybody’s got a little something going on.

F: So, what kind of person do you think a child raised by non-neurotypical people turns into?

F: I know what typically comes of a person raised by mentally ill people that aren’t aware of it or aren’t taking care of it. Or are in denial. I know what happens there. What do you think comes of a child in your particular situation?

A: I think if you embrace your mental illness, and you’re aware of it, but you also take precautions to stay mentally healthy and also take precautions to make sure you don’t take out anything on anybody. You raise mentally healthy, but very well informed children, that, if they have a mental illness, they’re aware of what to do.

F: They can handle it.

A: They can handle it. Because you were never taught how to handle your mental illness. You had to learn how to handle it on your own. And I’m lucky enough to know how to handle it.

F: You have a support system, which is something I didn’t have. I didn’t have a doctor or family or friends to turn to or support me. You have a support system of people to help you cope and help you deal with your brain.

F: I feel like being raised in the way that I was helped me to be more aware of mental illness and in turn, be able to raise you in a better way. In a more mentally healthy way. I may not be mentally healthy, but like I’ve told other people, old habits die hard. My coping mechanisms and my struggles are my own, but I can at least help put you on the right path to being a healthy, stable human being. That’s what I want for you. To be a stable, productive person. And I think we’re on the right path for that one.

A: Yes!

F: So, as shitty as things may have been, and not being diagnosed until well into my twenties. I think there’s a silver lining to everything and I think the silver lining was making me prepared to help you be healthy. And I think having a support system is the number one most important thing to being mentally healthy.

F: You have to have support. You cannot do it alone.

[awwishfulthinking]

A Look at Galaxy Angel II/3rd Manga Vol. 4

A bit of background info:

The Galaxy Angel manga series is comprised of three manga collections/stories in all--Galaxy Angel (five volumes), Galaxy Angel Beta/2 (three volumes), and Galaxy Angel II/3rd (six volumes). Galaxy Angel II/3rd covered the basic plot of the GA II game series, and features a new set of girls and a new male main character.

The entire Galaxy Angel manga series was being translated by Broccoli Books USA. Unfortunately, while they were in the middle of translating the Galaxy Angel II manga (called Galaxy Angel 3rd in Japan), the company was dissolved. So as of this date, only the first three volumes of this particular series exists in English.

It took me a few years, but I eventually managed to get a hold of the remaining three volumes (in Japanese) from the Mandarake online store. I’ll showcase some photos and make an attempt at some sort of summary for these last few volumes...

Starting with volume 4.

(As a note, all of my future posts relating to these volumes will be tagged with “galaxy angel 2 manga” on my blog.)

I am not going to make dedicated posts to the first three officially translated volumes (because I don’t have the time for that); but I’ll give a brief summary here because the manga’s story is significantly different to the game in some parts.

Volume 1:

Most of the former Angel Troupe/Angel-tai members have either retired or moved on to other military positions and are now spread out over Eden and Neue--with Neue being a new galaxy that was just discovered.

Eden and Neue are connected by a space called the Absolute, and that is connected to a Gate (appears as a giant ring in space) that has to be opened by a gatekeeper--who happens to be Milfeulle.

The people from Eden are trying to restore Neue, and bring more advanced technology to its people.

Kazuya (a Neue native) has been picked randomly by Milfeulle to be a member of the new Angel-tai/Angel troupe.

He’s the first male member to the team and is welcomed aboard the Luxiole by Apricot.

The next few chapters deal with Kazuya meeting the rest of the crew that are currently on the Luxiole (Nano-nano, Kahlua/Tequila, and the mechanics, medical staff, and other staff).

The Angel-tai’s main goal currently is to find other gatekeepers--as Milfeulle is the only known gatekeeper and is thus trapped within the Absolute for the time being (in a structure called the “central globe”). Apricot and Takuto (who is officially Milfeulle’s husband in the manga), really want to free her from what is essentially a prison.

Anyway, Kazuya is the designated pilot of a ship called “Braveheart,” whose purpose is to merge with the other Angels’ ships and boost their power levels.

Anise makes her debut by stealing the Braveheart and Nano somehow gets kidnapped as well in the process.

Volume 2:

The Luxiole gets an S.O.S message from Milfeulle but it cuts out before she can really say anything.

Anise and Nano are rescued from a fleet of enemy ships commanded by a woman named Dieta--and the Braveheart is taken back. Takuto commands the Luxiole to head towards the planet of Seldor, which is the planet closest to the Gate and the Absolute that Milfeulle is in.

The next two chapters following this scenario focuses on how Kazuya is beginning to develop feelings for Apricot and how he wants her to see him as a man (as Apricot currently just sees him as a replacement for her older sister, Milfeulle).

The next chapter after THAT has Anise becoming an official member of the Angel-tai to pay off her huge debt to Mint.

We get a sneak peek at Lily, who still has yet to join the rest of the Angels onboard the Luxiole.

Volume 3:

The volume begins with Forte staging a coup d'etat. She has taken both the Absolute and the planet Seldor (and King Soldum), and claims that she’s doing this because the Neue citizens have been “babied” for too long. Because Forte's attacking them with her fleet, Takuto and co. have to make an escape using chrono drive.

At Anise’s suggestion, they all resolve to visit the planet Magiic to gain supplies and allies.

En-route to Magiic, they need to make a stop at planet Pico and Femto to heal up Nano-Nano, who used up all her nanomachines healing people in the aftermath of Forte’s attack.

They manage to pick up Lily, also enroute to Magiic. She explains that Forte led the coup to prevent casualties to the hostages: the planet of Seldor and King Soldum.

Kahlua’s past is hinted at in this volume.

The gang make it to Magiic safely; but while they are touring a city on the planet, Dieta indirectly causes a building fire. This triggers traumatic memories in Kahlua and she has to be sedated and put into an emergency pod.

Now that we’ve gotten those out of the way, it’s finally time to delve into Volume 4!!!

DISCLAIMER 1: I do not know Japanese at all so a lot of these “summaries” will be based on info I’ve gathered from the translated volumes that were officially released; as well as the Galaxy Angel fan wikia. I don’t claim any sort of plot accuracy in these posts, I merely wanted to give a brief run-down (as best as I can) of what happens in these volumes.

DISCLAIMER 2: I do not want to scan these volumes for fear of damaging the binding, so I’ve only taken photos. I’m not a professional photographer and don’t have a nice fancy camera so these photos are not so great. Due to my work schedule and life stuff that I need to take care of, I don’t have the time to touch these up beyond resizing and cropping them. Sorry.

~Chapter 16~

Following directly from the events at the end of volume 3, volume 4 opens up with Dieta infiltrating the emergency pod Kahlua was put in. She exposes Kahlua to some sort of powder (I’m assuming it’s some strong alcohol-based chemical), which turns her into Tequila. Dieta then curses her by marking Tequlia with some sort of magical rune.

Ranpha (who the other Angel-tai members met on Magiic) finally meets up with Takuto and they have some kind of conversation; most likely relating to negotiations with the Magiic forces. Ranpha is now the ambassador on planet Magiic, so she would be the best person to convince the Magiic forces to ally with the Luxiole.

MEANWHILE, Kahlua/Tequila has been transferred to the Luxiole’s infirmary. She’s currently unconscious and everyone’s worried about her. The Angel-tai eventually leave so that Kazuya can watch over Tequila alone, as he was the one who saved her from the burning building.

Kazuya begins talking to the unconscious Tequila, apparently musing about how he saw Tequila (or some kind of apparition of her) appear to protect Kahlua when they were trapped in the fire. I think Kazuya also wonders about the bond between Kahlua and Tequila (or about how the split personality developed).

Tequila suddenly wakes up! But the curse Dieta puts on her activates and Tequila loses control of her powers and starts burning everything, including Kazuya.

Mimolette (Kahlua/Tequila’s cat familiar) jumps in at this point to place a protective shield around Kazuya... and an apparition of Kahlua materializes. Kahlua and Tequila converse, and Tequila somehow manages to calm down and overcome the curse put on her. Her clothes got burned off in the process, so Kazuya lends Tequila his jacket. Apricot walks in on the two in a... very compromising position and immediately walks away, much to Kazuya’s distress.

~Chapter 17~

Suddenly, everyone gets called to the Bridge--Dieta’s fleet has appeared and everyone gets ready to fight. Kazuya and Tequila arrive with Tequila still naked with only Kazuya’s jacket covering her, which causes Apricot to glare angrily at Kazuya.

Anyway, Kazuya and the rest of the Angel-tai fly out and prepare for battle. Dieta formally introduces herself to Takuto and co. (The weird cropping here is because Dieta’s outfit is super fanservicey and I don’t wanna get accidentally flagged.)

Kazuya’s ship merges with Tequila’s Emblem Frame (the Spell Caster) and there’s a big space battle. The merged ship is able to basically take out Dieta’s flagship (which Dieta is on). Tequila briefly remembers her magic battle with Dieta on planet Magiic. I mostly just took a photo of this page because it shows off Tequila’s cool outfit.

Tequila shows absolutely no mercy and completely obliterates Dieta’s ship... Everyone is happy that this threat is now gone, but Kazuya seems kind of shocked by Tequila’s actions. (Probably because it was so violent?)

Sometime later after the battle, Kazuya goes to the Luxiole’s park to relax. He meets with Tequila there, still wearing his jacket. Kazuya asks for his jacket back in annoyance, and the two somehow get to talking. Tequila reveals that Kahlua suffered a traumatic moment in her youth. She had tried to show off some fire magic to a friend named Mimolette (yes, it’s the same spelling as the name for her cat familiar); but Kahlua ended up scaring her friend away because of how powerful she was.

After this event, Kahlua was so mentally distraught that she developed a separate personality (Tequila) to cope. This personality ended up being the only one capable of using Kahlua’s magic well.

Back in the present, Tequila still seems upset about something (probably worried that people are scared of her because of her magic powers) and Kazuya reassures her. Tequila then jumps on top of Kazuya (as he’s lying on the grass) and teases him... but then suddenly transforms back into Kahlua, who does not remember anything that happened. Apricot again catches the two in a compromising position, but this time Apricot beats up Kazuya for it.

~Chapter 18~

Somewhere in the Luxiole, Croix and Coronet (the mechanics) end up finding some kind of fancy looking white Emblem Frame. (I have no idea where they found it or how.)

The story then switches right into a dream that Apricot is having. She dreams about her older sister Milfeulle baking sweets... who then transforms into Kazuya. Kahlua and Tequila then appear by his side, and Apricot wakes from her dream with tears in her eyes. She begins to wonder about how she really feels about Kazuya. Does she still think of him as merely a replacement for her sister?

Everyone gets called to the Bridge where Takuto reveals some good news: Ranpha seems to have managed to convince the people of Magiic to lend their aid to the Luxiole.

(And she also looks beautiful on this page)

Apricot and Tequila end up talking things out, while Kazuya and Anise hang out in the hangar to marvel at the fancy new Emblem Frame. Kazuya suddenly feels compelled to touch the ship and it reacts to him, opening up to reveal an injured girl.

She’s taken to the infirmary (where I assume she’s healed up by Nano Nano) and Takuto calls everyone to the briefing room to talk about the girl and the mystery ship. Nano Nano says some things about what she’s found out about the mysterious girl but I don’t understand any of it because I don’t know Japanese.

SUDDENLY Tequila and Apricot show up, in switched outfits/hairstyles. I’m assuming this is all Tequila’s attempt to pull Apricot out of her funk or get Kazuya and Apricot together. Tequila uses her magic to shove Apricot onto Kazuya and that goes about as well as you would expect.

~Chapter 19~

Mystery girl has woken up and is now hiding out in the park. For some reason surrounded by piggies.

Judging by the sudden increase in complex shading, this is most likely a colored page in the magazine (that this chapter was originally published in) that unfortunately got reduced to a grayscale printing in the volume release. Anyway I did find a color version of this picture on some sort of trading card thing so here you go:

(It’s more apparent on a later manga cover, but mystery girl’s hair is silver--and her eyes are red.)

Anyway, we switch perspectives to Takuto and Kazuya. Kazuya is being grilled by Takuto because Takuto is curious about who the younger man likes. Takuto (correctly) guesses that it’s Apricot and Kazuya gets flustered and leaves.

Kazuya still feels bad or guilty (somehow) about the unfortunate circumstances with Kahlua/Tequila before, and decides to make some apology treats for Apricot. He finds her in the park, where Apricot has found the mystery girl sleeping.

Kazuya and Apricot talk to each other about... something. They accidentally wake up the mystery girl.

*insert a SCENE CHANGE here*

Honestly, from here on out I barely understand what’s going on because this whole sidestory is a manga original story so. Bear with me here.

Mystery girl does some magic techno stuff before formally introducing herself to the Angel-tai. (And she looks really cool doing so)

Her name is Mimoza and she’s supposedly a gal from the past... and I only know this thanks to the next manga preview blurb at the end of volume 3, for the never officially translated and released volume 4.

I think Mimoza starts telling the Angel-tai about her history and her travels or something... Anyway she mentions aliens. Not sure if she met with them or if she actually worked under them.

She then dramatically points out Kazuya because he’s special or something. And they are linked to each other through the Braveheart. Or something. I have no idea.

While Kazuya stays behind in the hangar to talk some more with Mimoza, the rest of the Angel-tai regroup with Takuto who asks the group if they consider Kazuya to be an important part of the team.

Mimoza then pushes Kazuya off the ledge either for funsies or for *dramatic effect* because she immediately saves him afterwards.

~Chapter 20~

(I hope tumblr’s resizing doesn’t destroy the quality of this photo further)

Without informing anyone, Kazuya and Mimoza fly out in Mimoza’s Emblem Frame to a nearby planet (Planet Cocoon)--which also coincidentally happens to be Mimoza’s home planet from I think 600 years ago. The entire planet has become a desert with some ruins scattered about.

After Kazuya brushes some sand off the ground, he manages to activate some sort of magic circle or portal.

Back on the Luxiole, I think the rest of the Angel-tai finally realize that Kazuya is missing. They also come to realize that they do consider Kazuya to be an important part of their team. And so they head out in their respective Emblem Frames to find Kazuya.

Back on the desert planet, Kazuya and Mimoza find themselves in an underground cavern.

Whilst traversing the caverns, Mimoza tells Kazuya about how she was separated from (I’m assuming) someone she was in love with; due either to a catastrophe or due to some invading forces. And she ended up (I guess) in some kind of time warp which sent her to the future.

Kazuya and Mimoza eventually discover a ship in the depths of the caverns, that looks almost exactly like Kazuya’s Braveheart. Mimoza is saddened when she finds the cockpit empty.

Mimoza and Kazuya then part ways here, as Mimoza decides to use this newly discovered ship to try going back to the past.

Kazuya then tries to make his way out of the caverns only to be chased by some kind of fearsome monster--which gets obliterated by Tequila.

The other Angel-tai members appear and there’s a happy reunion scene as they all return back to the Luxiole together.

Annnnd volume 4 ends there.

Bonus illustration page featuring Mimoza:

I will hopefully be able to get the posts of volume 5 and 6 out soon. This one was a beast of a post but only because I had to get all of the background info out of the way first.

See you next time!

[revjasielhern-blog]

“What Shall I Bring?”

Scripture Text: Matthew 2:1-12.

That’s always the question that overwhelms my mind when thinking about potlucks if you are in the south or about pitch-ins if you’re from the north. I did not grow up with such notion. In Mexico you are asked to bring something specifically when you have these kinds of gatherings. They inform you that you are supposed to bring chicken enchiladas or the soda drinks. You are assigned a specific thing to bring to these celebrations.

Whereas here in the U.S., based on my personal experience, sometimes you are not even given the type of food or the type of dish you are supposed to bring. Most often than not, you are simply expected to bring something that you want to share with everyone else - maybe your favorite dish. How is that a thing? Is that even fair?  

I am a fairly decent cook and I’m happy share my favorite dish with others. But there’s this voice inside my head that says: “What if it is too spicy or what if it doesn’t have any flavor? What if it’s not good enough for people to like it?”

So, as you can imagine, potlucks create a great level of anxiety in my life. That is why I always end up choosing to bring a salad. I feel like it’s really hard to mess up a salad and people usually appreciate getting some greens on their plates before adding all the other delicious stuff waiting down the line.

I am sure that here at the church we have excellent cooks that make delicious dishes. Perhaps for many of you participating in a potluck is an opportunity to try new things or to modify an already delicious recipe. And that demonstrates something about your personality. It shows your willingness to give to others. Devoting your time and energy to offer a delicious experience for your friends, your own family, or your church shows your commitment to giving your very best to them.

For me, it is not so much that I don’t give my best. Rather, it shows how bad I am at knowing what to give others. Unless that person tells me what they really want, I will probably default to something that he or she may not even like. I am kind of the worst at giving gifts.

And that’s one of the biggest problems during Christmas. I am quite positive that most of us have at least experienced once the situation when we receive a gift that we truly dislike. The Atlanta Newspaper wrote an article based on a study performed by Emory University. The article was titled: “Emory study finds that bad gifts are indeed worse than no gifts at all”. Of course I was intrigued. I needed to know this information.

The premise of the study is to claim that when someone gives a bad gift - which includes those gifts that are either offensive or judgmental or inappropriate or very much boring and un-thoughtful - creates an experience that is certainly obnoxious and even perhaps traumatic to the person receiving such gift. Bad gifts remain in your consciousness and create long lasting unpleasant memories. They are really hard to get rid off. Therefore, not giving anything seems to be the better option when you really don’t know what to give someone.

I can totally see the reasoning behind their claim. As a kid, I had a couple of instances in which i was given gifts that made me completely disappointed. It was rather sad watching my cousins unwrap fun and exciting gifts when my gift was not of a similar value or what I was expecting. And as kid, seeing other kids getting what they expected or even better is a very unpleasant and super annoying.  The worst part of all is that, as you can tell, those memories have stayed with me for a while now.

Perhaps I sound a little condescending regarding gifts and getting what you want. But the point is that offering something special to someone is a task that requires a lot of consideration. To be able to provide a good gift you have to know the person and you must have a relationship with such person. And when offering a gift to someone you have to trust that you are giving will be appreciated and loved.

This exchange between people, particularly during the Christmas season, should not be about getting what our heart desires, but about what our relationship with other people invites us to share and create.

This Epiphany Sunday we remember the very particular story of the three Magi who traveled from the east to bring gifts to the new born king. When remembering this story, we tend to focus on the offerings given by these Magi: gold, frankincense and myrrh. These gifts that were only given to royalty powerfully announced that the new born baby was no ordinary baby - he was the so hoped for Messiah, King of the Jews.

The gifts brought by the Magi seemed absolutely appropriate. What they were offering was the least they could give since they were meeting a king. And they knew that this new king was so special that deserved nothing less than the most precious metals on earth and the most exquisite fragrances on the planet.  

But the thing is, these Magi probably had the resources to offer such incredible gifts. They were known to be scholars with resources and some fame. Acquiring such incredible gifts perhaps was not the most difficult thing or the most special thing they could do for this new king. They knew what was appropriate to offer to a king based on customs and traditions and that is what they brought to meet baby Jesus.

So, perhaps their offerings were not really their very best gift.

On verse twelve of this second chapter in the gospel according to Matthew, we encounter a situation that quite frankly seems so irrelevant but it so happens that it is the most important thing that the Magi offered during their visit to the new born King. It says: “And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route”.

The Magi’s most valuable gift to the new born king was not gold or fine fragrances - it was securing the safety of this baby child. By choosing not to go back to Herod’s court, the Magi were clearly defying the authority of the so called King of the land. They were going against the most powerful authority in all Judea.

They had met Herod face to face and exchanged information as part of a customary meeting. Therefore, Herod really knew who the Magi were and where they had come from. And most likely, Herod had the power to find them and make them pay for their lack of respect and for defying the empire.

Yet, the Magi did what was best not for them, but for their new born King. The Magi against all power and authority on the land went back to their home choosing a different route. Perhaps a longer route with more threats. Perhaps a route that required more resources. Perhaps a route filled with terrors, anxiety, and fear. But such difficulties were absolutely nothing compared to the value of the life they were protecting.  

The very best gift they gave to the baby child and to this world was simply securing that no threat - not even as big as the very king of the land - could compromise the safety of this new hope being born in flesh and bone.

It seems that the best gifts are those that are hard to see. We tend to add more value and appreciation to those gifts that satisfy our deepest consumeristic desires - such as the new iPad, or the new video game console, or the latest clothes, or the latest toys. But what about the time and effort grandma put forth when knitting that sweater; or the hours dad had to work to provide you with such toy; or the thoughtful process your brother and sister endured when picking up something special for you this season.

The best gifts are those that don’t need fancy wrapping or expensive budgets. The best gifts are the things we share with one another because we love one another. The best gifts come out of love and because of the relationships we have with others.

And the best gift ever given to us came out of love for each and every person. God’s relationship with us gave us a new born hope because God loves us in such an intimate and transforming way. While this gift was not born in a palace or brought an army of angels to defeat evil, this gift brought us something greater, something brighter: An everlasting hope that will guide us towards the salvation offered in Jesus Christ.

As we continue our journey on this earth and look up to the sky and see that the shining star that is guiding us is this everlasting hope that Christ will come again, what would you bring to the King of kings and the Lord of lords when you get to meet him?

What are you offering God this morning or this new year?

Will you offer the very best of what you have?

Will you offer the very best of who you are?

What is it?

Amen

[justanotherwannabeclassic]

Bloom (1/?)

This has been a work in progress for quite some time. It started as a response to the fact that OUAT seemingly cannot have a normal pregnancy on this show without it being traumatic or otherwise very sad. This is the result. This series will be following the arc of Emma’s totally normal, only lightly angsty pregnancy that will end 100% happy. That is my guarantee. No prophecies. No speeding up. A super normal pregnancy.

As for the timing of posting this…well, we could all use some fluff, and I’m not letting reality get me down. So, presenting, “The Happiest Pregnancy Ever”

Also on A03.

Why should I be unhappy? Every parcel of my being is in full bloom. -Rumi

Emma tapped her fingers on the table, her nails clack-clack-clacking on the wood with each downward press. She listened to the steady tick-tock of the clock, understanding with sudden clarity why Barrie had one haunt his interpretation of her husband. 

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Her husband wasn’t home. He was at store working his way down the list of things she’d hastily scribbled before he walked out the door. The list was long, and she didn’t really need half the things she sent him to buy, but she needed him gone, not anywhere near her while she processed the impending changes to their life. He would be home soon, which meant that she had to decide just what course of action to take.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

The house was quiet. Whenever Henry stayed with Regina, there was a certain stillness to their home. Even when he was there, he opted to listen to music via headphones. He was teenager, meaning he didn’t want to draw attention to himself. She liked the quiet, sometimes. Other times, not so much. It reminded Emma of her time as the Dark One – the house barren, dead. 

It won’t be like that much longer.

Emma fingered the stick in front of her. It read “pregnant” in small letters. She sprung for the test that said pregnant or not pregnant. She didn’t want to take any chances with lines or ink. It was clear as day that way. No mistakes.

This was the fourth positive test she had taken. She used magic to dispose of the three others, sending them to the Storybrooke dump away from prying eyes. Storybrooke was bad enough about gossip. She wouldn’t put it past a nosy neighbor to glance through her trash, and have the news travel before she even told the father.

The baby wasn’t planned. She was on birth control, but she and Killian had been sloppy with using extra protection the week she had been getting over a sinus infection. Damn antibiotics and their stupid side effects. 

There was a dark side of her that wanted to laugh about how both her children weren’t planned. She could prevent the destruction of untold realms, but pregnancy? What a great Savior she was!

At least things were better this time around. The only jail she was in was when she booked someone. She had a stable job. She wasn’t living out of the bug. She had a support system: friends, family, and –

Killian.

Emma had Killian. He was there for her, he would never abandon her. He loved her. Truly in the fairy tale, curse-breaking kind of way. She knew how he’d react once she told him the news. He’d be elated, but he would hold it back to test her reaction first. Always waiting for her, that’s how he normally approached any relationship milestone. (Even when he didn’t want to, Emma thought, the memory of his first proposal flitting through her mind.)

So why was she afraid? 

She and Killian had been married for almost a year, and things had been peaceful by Storybrooke standards. And that was the rub - “by Storybrooke standards”. Their home was as fantastical as the curse that had created it, with dangers Emma never could have eve imagined. Prior to moving here, the worst Emma could have imagined was a random terrorist attack or freak train derailment. Here she had to worry about time travel, and realm hopping, and memory spells. 

What if a villain made her forget her own child?

Emma wasn’t even sure how pregnancy and raising an infant would even work. Her mother had pulled it off, but the bulk of her pregnancy had been spent in the Enchanted Forest. Both Zelena and Belle had their pregnancies magically sped up, which Emma was sure wasn’t entirely healthy. Not to mention the kidnapping. Her little brother had been kidnapped, as had Gideon. Gideon, in turn, had attempted to murder her and her family. What would she do if her kid was kidnapped and went all Terminator?

Pregnancies were supposed to be happy things, right? Not riddled with anxiety regarding villains and portals and crazed relatives seeking revenge. What If Killian had more surprise relatives who wanted him dead? What if she did?

What made matters worse was that for a brief moment she had been happy. The first, second, and third time the tests turned positive - Pregnant! - she had been elated. Emma could easily picture a boy with her green eyes and his dark hair running through the house. Or a little blonde-haired blue-eyed girl receiving archery lessons on the lawn. But somewhere between test three and four, anxiety had creeped in and taken hold. 

She could get rid of it, but that didn’t seem right either. Truth was, she wanted the baby. She and Killian could pack up the house and move seven states over, but even then Emma was convinced that somehow, some way, a villain would find them. After all, it was she who nearly became engaged to the flying monkey. 

Emma felt the pinpricks of tears at the corner of her eyes, and tried to will them away. It was a lost cause. Not only was she a mess of hormones, but she was stressed, anxious, and more than a little overwhelmed. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” she said to herself, as if announcing it aloud would somewhat make her statement more true. “You’re going to be fine.”

It was then when she heard the district sound of the boards of the front steps creaking, indicating that someone was outside. She had been meaning to fix the stairs, tighten them or whatever one did to stairs – a handy woman, Emma was not – but she was grateful for the alert that allowed her to shove the test out of sight. Killian likely didn’t know what a pregnancy test looked like, but she didn’t want to take the chance of him seeing it first.

As expect, he swept through the front door, grocery bags hanging from his hooked arm. 

“Good news, love, there was a two-for-one special on those pints of ice cream you and Henry enjoy. Never let it be said that I–” Whatever Killian had been saying died in his throats when  caught sight of her. Emma knew she must look miserable, cheeks flushed from her earlier bout of tears. “Emma, what’s wrong?”

He rushed over to her, dropping the bags front of the door. Emma had half a mind to tell him to put the ice cream in the freezer, but relented. She knew Killian. His focus would be completely on her. Instead, she waved her hand and magicked what she hoped was the ice cream into the freezer. There was no use getting it all melty while she and Killian had a serious conversation.

“I love you, you know that right?” She asked, wanting to stress that the conflicting emotions she felt had nothing to do with him. 

“Yes.” His brows furrowed even as he took a set next to her at the table. He eyed her suspiciously and said nothing more.

“And you know how we’ve talked about wanting a future,” she continued, knowing she was beginning to ramble,“ but here’s the thing, we never exactly ironed out what exactly that was gonna entail, and when those things were gonna happen.”

“And you desire to have that conversation now?” Killian asked, enunciating every word slowly as if he was trying to wrap his mind around the concept. He reached over and clasped her left hand in his right, rubbing his thumb over her rings. “Darling, if that’s what you’re worried about, there’s no need to be.”

“I’m - I’m-” Emma began, struggling over what she was intending to say. She’d never been good with the whole talking thing. Flowery language and grand announcements had always been Killian’s forte. One would think that after a year of marriage, some of it would have rubbed off, but nope. “God, I should have prepared a speech.”

“Emma, you can tell me anything.” Killian kept his voice soothing, but Emma could sense the undercurrent of worry there. She supposed if he had been acting similarly, she too would be worried.

Deciding that actions spoke louder than words, Emma let go of Killian’s hand and pulled out the pregnancy test she had hidden, shoving it unceremoniously toward him. Brows furrowed, he picked it up and studied it intently. 

“What’s this?” he asked, because as expected, it was obvious he had never seen such a thing. “And why does it say…”

His voice trailed off. Her husband was an intelligent man. He could put two and two together and figure out just why she was handing him a stick that said “Pregnant” on a tiny little screen. He looked from it to her, realization dawning on his face. 

“Emma,” he said, her name coming out half-gasp, half-whisper. He sat the test down delicately, almost reverently, as if he believed that moving too quickly would upset the balance of what it had revealed. 

“So, yeah, that’s the thing. The future we didn’t elaborate on is here.” She gestured vaguely to her abdomen where a tiny lump of cells was slowly developing into a small human. 

“I see,” Killian replied. He now looked as if he were grappling with his own words. “Swan, how are you feeling?”

It was his way of asking how he should feel. Her pirate wasn’t that difficult to read.

“I feel happy, but mostly scared,” she admitted. “I have no idea how this is even going to work here or anywhere, you know, with our crazy, fucked up lives.”

He was silent for a moment… After what felt like forever, he asked, “How would you feel if our lives weren’t so crazy? If we lived a lifestyle that you considered ‘normal’, like you had in New York with Henry?”

“Still happy, a lot less terrified. Probably still freaked out, but about the normal stuff,” Emma answered truthfully. “But I don’t think going to New York is the answer either.”

“Of course not.” Killian shook his heads “But allow me to remind you that you’d still be both happy and afraid no matter what lifestyle we lead.”

She sighed. She understood what he was trying to do, let her know her reactions were totally normal. That no matter where they were and the lives they were living, she would likely still be afraid on some level. 

“We can’t pretend our lifestyle is the easiest,” she told him, looking away as she felt the tears come again. “Our kid wouldn’t exactly have the most normal of lives.”

“Our child will have both a mother and father who loves it,” Killian replied, his tone taking the authorial tone of a captain. “It will also have adoring grandparents, a protective older brother, and what I imagine will be s handful of devoted honorary aunts and uncles standing alongside those it will have by blood.”

“That doesn’t guarantee its safety or even normalcy.”

“No, it doesn’t.” Killian shook his head. “But it’s more than either you or I had.” Emma was silent. She didn’t know how to formulate a response, couldn’t really. His words struck her. She, the girl who bounced from home to home, and he, the boy raised a slave and abandoned by his father were discussing their future and their unborn child. Sometimes, Emma was overtaken by the awe of how far she’d come since those days in the systems. It was during moments when Henry would steal onion rings from her plate at Granny’s, or pancake breakfasts with her parents. And now here in the kitchen, Killian holding her hand and she worked through her feelings regarding her pregnancy. And then there was Killian, sold into slavery and practically raised by his brother. A life in the Navy, followed by a life of piracy and loss, finally to here, to her.

“So what do you say, love?” he asked, watching her meaningfully. Truth be told, Emma was still terrified of a curse, but something told her that if she asked about curses, Killian would counter by reminding her there might not be one.

And he was right, there might not be a course. Or there could be. But they’d be there, and her parents, and Regina and Zelena, as well. There would be a house the kid could come home to, the same house with the same bed. There’d be clothes that fit and kisses and “I love you”s every day. There’d be a home, one picked out by Killian and Henry, one they all filled together, their happy little family.

Wasn’t this the “Happy Beginning” they sang about all those months ago?

“I think,” she began finally, “I think that we should grab some spoons and eat the ice cream you got at the store. Celebrate.”

He grinned. “Aye, love, let’s celebrate."

She sealed it with a kiss.

[puppet-meister]

terra memories - masterpost

======

my canon was like, the cartoon to a tee. obviously a LOT happened offscreen though, so i’ll mostly really be talking about the offscreen memories here.

i lived with my dad and brother at first, our father didn't have powers but we did. we grew up in a place called markovia, my dad was the king of that region. it was pretty tiny, but pretty tight-knit and nice from what i remember. i know that myself and brion (that's my brother - superhero name geo-force) had powers, but i'm not entirely sure if my father did - either he kept them down at all times or didn't have any.

truth be told i never knew and he never told me, and he made me feel horrible for having mine. i suffered a lot from mood swings and just general instability as a child, which of course caused all sorts of mayhem in the country.

when i was ten, he sent me away from home to go to america with quite a bit of money and an escort, which i shortly abandoned

the whole thing was really traumatic, as i was basically just forced out of my home by both my father and his people. he was pressured a lot, i feel, but at the same time i know he was pretty sick of me.

anyway, i abandoned my escort and started traveling on my own, sometimes picking up some cash here and there but spending it pretty wisely. i did a lot of hero work often.

people really seemed to like me. but every time i settled down somewhere, there'd be another attack of just...negativity. i couldn't stay anywhere. people would find me and get angry, i got so many threats that i couldn't stay. i just kept running and running from the east coast to the west and pretty much all over. i definitely hung around the east more, the rural areas outside of gotham especially.

i used to love sleeping on hills and plains of grass and on mountainsides in sleeping bags and tents, i grew really attached to travelling and nature after a while.

i guess when i was 14, i started working my way from the middle of the country further west. it was really amazing, i saw a lot more cool stuff than i ever could've imagined while I was travelling there. a year went by with me just sort of hanging out in the west before i went to california, and i spent quite a few months there hopping from place to place but not staying for too long.

then i met the titans that day.

when i met them, i felt like i could actually start to get along with people because they also had powers. i'd met some "superheroes" before but none that were really my "type" or age or, y'know. I considered myself one, it was probably one of the only positive titles i really liked to pin on myself. 

on the way back to the tower i was walking between cy and beast boy, starfire trailing ahead of us and kind of floating backwards and asking me all sorts of questions. she was a really fast talker but i found it cute, and i was happy to answer her questions.

i think cy and bb seemed fascinated by me, and robin and raven eventually caught up and we just kind of spent an hour or so walking back to the tower. when we got there they all showed me around, cyborg was REALLY huffy when others interrupted his descriptions of the rooms and everything. it was funny to be honest, he was obviously really proud of what he'd done with the place

starfire was definitely the most welcoming and friendly person i’ve ever met in my life to be honest?? like god, i swear she had a crush on me

i spent most of the day inside chillin, then during the evening we went and got pizza. that was really nice, we had a great time at that place. beast boy talked all through dinner to me, and we just had a really nice time being there. at night we came back, and i went to sleep on the couch while everyone else went to bed. yadayadayada

next day was such a mixed bag but it started out really neat. we trained for a long time and that was absolutely epic, it was really cool getting to hang with everyone and get to know them better.

they were all super encouraging and i was surprised that even beast boy had a lot of faith in my powers considering he was the only one who knew they were really unstable

three-four months went by, or something like that. i just know it was fall. i came back and got to see everybody again. it all felt really fake but at the same time so real. it was confusing i guess, i didn't really have a grip on it myself - in the right way.

i went along with it. i got attached. i was there for at least five or six months, and i hated how i started to think that they were the best six months or so of my life. it was kind of surreal.

once or twice a month i'd go out on my own and "check in". a lot of really strange things happened when i did that, but i'm so ashamed of it and i don't know if i can ever bring myself to like, say stuff about it. i wish i could but i'm not gonna force it right now.

they never really suspected a thing.

then well, you know the rest i guess.

also, that last episode with me coming back or whatever? i don’t have memories of that at all (yet?) so i’ll update this if i get anything.