#it really felt like grief and mental illness took everything from me.

[emmaspolaroid]

all eyes on you almost 400 kudos ?????

[redactedrem]

You know what? Fuck you. *Ponifies Batman*

Guys I'm so excited to share my newest project of ponifying the Batfam, it started out small with the hypothetical "I wonder what Batman would be like in a mlp universe." And then the project kept getting bigger and bigger.

If anyones interested in my world building/ headcanons surrounding this project, you can see it under the cut. (I didn't want to make the post too long.)

Incase anybody couldn't read my bad handwriting, I gotchuuu.

-(First pic) Bruce Wayne: Bruce had got his cutiemark the night of his parents death, after the grief had broken his spirit and he realized that he never wanted anypony else to feel the same pain as he does. (He has a fake cutiemark to cover up his obvious destiny)

- The first pic is pretty self explanatory, but I want to make it clear that Bruce's destiny isn't "My parents are dead so now I dress up as a bat and beat up mentally ill folk". Because I've seen people on here give hot takes on cutiemarks that directly link them to a ponies destiny.

This goes for specifically in the mlp fandom but (for the sake of being on topic) I'll use the the example of that one post where someone gave the hot take that Jason would get his cutiemark in the warehouse right before he dies (or after he dies? smthing like that) because "It would be really fucked up to know that you were always destined to die." And listen, I can appreciate some good Jason Todd whump as the next guy but knowing that this would be based in a mlp universe . . . just doesn't sit right with me.

It sounds less magical that way. Its like saying that Rainbow Dash was always meant to be the fastest flyer, so theres no point in trying to compete with her. So uhm, trying to stay on topic here. My personal hot take is that a pony's cutiemark is symbol of something that they do/ a skill or talent that they have that makes them happy. And whats a more magical and fulfilling destiny than doing something that makes you happy for the rest of your life?

Looping back to Bruce, he didn't get his cutiemark the moment his parents died, but I like to think that he got it sometime later on in the night. After hours of being checked on by the police, getting looked at by the paramedics, and after Alfred took him home. Its 1:40ish in the morning and tiny foal-Bruce is just staring at his bedroom wall feeling numb and dissociated to hell. And sometime after processing everything that night- he just decides that this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him and that he will do anything to make sure that nopony will ever feel the same pain that he has felt. And then-- Ta da!! Cutiemark!! Too bad neither he or Alfred got to experience the excitement when they both saw it the next day :')

(Edit: I didn't know where to put this detail, but Bruce's fake cutiemark is based off of the "Make It Wayne" TV logo from this fanfic here )

-(Second pic) The Bat: This is heavily inspired by Flutterbat, I know theres canonically already a race of bat ponies made from Lunas stunt as Nightmare Moon. But I chose to go through with the Flutterbat route because batponies are a race, and have bat-like features 24/7. In comparison Fluttershy maintains her pegasus appearance by day and transforms into Flutterbat at night (ALSO with there being implications that there are "Triggers" for her transformations in the day too!!) Which adds the "Vampire." right in front of her batpony title.

I might do a lil comparison chart between vampire batponies and regular batponies in the future or something. But for now I'm focusing on my batpony Bruce Wayne headcanons so yea. My point is that I felt like making Bruce a "vampire" batpony would give him a more solid secret identity with also the bonus of a really metal origin story.

Now we all know that the canonical origin story of batman is that a few months after the tragedy of his parents death, Bruce had fallen into a cave? a well? a pit? of bats and triggered a fear of bats since then. Later on he decides to become Batman so he can invoke the fear of bats he once had into the criminals of Gotham. Yadda yadda yadda.

Now canonically, we don't know the exact science on how Fluttershy turned into Flutterbat. What we do know is that at the time, pony magic is not researched enough for Twilight to be aware that Fluttershys "Stare" is her own form of pony magic and that it would interfere with Twilights spell.

Do you see where I'm getting at here? Uhmm don't ask me what exactly happened in the cave, I'm doing this for fun and thinking about it too hard makes me spiral. But uhmm something something- Bruce looked at a bat in the eye and decided to embrace his biggest fear to fuel his cause, and his already traumatized and fucked up pony magic had transformed his body- something something. (Edit: I didn't think about this until now but maybe Fluttershys "Stare" and Bruces "Bat Glare" could be a usage of the same form of magic? Just a thought)

I'll probably come up with a more suitable explanation in the future, but like I said. All of this is just for fun.

[wands-natsthing]

Not Enough Pt2

This story was on my old acct @wandanatsthings I made a new one (aka this one) which will be the acct I use from now on.

Hey guys I'm so sorry this took so long to get out I hope you all haven’t lost interest lol. I wanted to take my time with this one because I just felt like my writing could be a lot better and I really feel like with this little one-shot or imagine or whatever you call it it has improved and I’d rather you guys wait a while for a more well written piece than to most more frequent and it be shit but anyways I hope you enjoy this I kinda just went all over the place with it so please let me know what you think. 

"Not Enough pt 1

Disclaimer: I used  “A few weeks” a lot to measure time in this but to give a little bit of an idea  it’s been a few months since Piet died (so like 5 months) and like 3 months maybe since reader and Wanda broke up. Also the age gap between Nat and Wanda is like 5 years. I cannot remember if I mentioned that or not. Okie I think that's it. 

P.S: I love it when you guys comment so if ya wanna I’d love to read them and If you have any questions about this fic like my thought process while writing please ask them!!

Warnings: Mentions past character death, grief, cheating, mentions of sex but not descriptive, angst, mental illness, break downs, lying. I think that’s please let me know if you see anymore. 

Relationships: WandaxNatasha, Wanda/ reader, platonic Bruce x Natasha, Platonic Bruce x Wanda

Summary: Not Enough Pt 2 

Word count: 4.1k (My longest fic as of rn) 

Y/N Pov

It had been a few weeks since you and Wanda broke up. You had moved all of your stuff out of your shared room into a guess not being able to stand being in there after everything that had happened.

You weren't doing well. You couldn't sleep, you couldn't eat, all you could think about was Wanda.

All you wanted was her. It was still hard for you to grasp. You couldn't believe she had cheated. It still just didn’t seem like something she would do. Your sweet Wanda. The one who always made sure you knew how much she loved you no matter what.

The Wanda that never let you both go to bed angry, The one that would always tell you she loved you before going to sleep, Or on the rare occasions when you left the house without one another. So to say you were distraught that she did something like this was an understatement.

Either way, you didn’t want to see her. You had been avoiding her at all costs. You were doing a good job until you saw her in the common area of the compound hanging out with Natasha.

You had mixed feelings about the woman.

Yes, she was the woman that your girlfriend had cheated on you with, but you felt there was something off.

Natasha was a bit older than Wanda, not by much, only 5 years but still, you couldn’t help but think maybe the older woman had taken advantage of Wanda’s vulnerable state.

You didn't put much thought into it though.

you decided that you were no longer interested in hanging out in the common room after spotting the couple. In a hurry, you turned and went back to your room, completely oblivious to the fact that the younger redhead had noticed you. You missed the longing and regretful look that she had in her eyes.

Wanda’s Pov

I watched you as you went back to what I assumed to be your room. Even though I was the one to break up with you. I missed you, being with Natasha was no longer making me as happy as I thought. Especially after I found out she had lied to me about what happened during the mission when Pietro died.

It was a few weeks before You and I had broken up when she approached me in the kitchen after not leaving what was our shared bedroom for days.

FLASHBACK (of Natasha telling what “Happened”)

We had just finished watching my favorite sitcom, which Pietro and I used to watch all the time. You were doing everything you could to make me feel better, and even though I might not have been showing it, you were helping. I had finally felt well enough to sit in the kitchen for a while and have a snack, which was something I had been struggling to do. So Progress was being made.

As I was eating my snack of apples and peanut butter, Natasha approached me. We didn't talk often, but we weren't strangers to each other. I was quite fond of the fellow avenger. "Hey, how are you doing?" she asked as she took a seat next to me. "I'm doing better," I replied, smiling slightly, looking up at her.

"That's good. And how are you and y/n doing?" I found it odd that she was asking about our relationship, but I answered her anyway. "Um, I mean we're okay. We could be doing better, but considering the circumstances, I'd say we're doing pretty well," I said wearily. She looked at me and nodded.

"That's good. Knowing she killed your brother and all." she claimed with what I now know to be a look of “evil” on her face. What she said shocked me.

“Wait what? What are you talking about y/n didn’t kill him? It was an accident, she told me what happened.” I replied getting defensive not liking what she was trying to accuse you of.

“Yeah, but I saw it. Whatever she told you is a lie.”

“Well, what did you see?” I asked, curious to know what she had seen.

She then goes on to tell me how she saw you and Pietro that day in the field fighting bots. For the most part, she told me the same thing you did. Until she added the part where you started fighting each other. “And then they just started fighting each other, I don’t know why. Maybe Y/n got hit in the head or something and started to think that Piet was one of the bots. He tried to knock some sense into her but it just didn’t work and eventually, she pulled out her gun and shot him. I guessed he just wasn’t quick enough to dodge it.” She revealed.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Oh my goodness, Why wouldn't she tell me that? Why would she lie?” I cried looking for some sort of answers.

“I mean I don't know, think about it. Would you want to tell your girlfriend you killed her brother?”

What she said made sense to me, I could understand why you wouldn’t tell me but that wasn’t the relationship we had created. We were always very honest with each other from the beginning no matter what the circumstances were.

Heartbroken with the new knowledge I had just learned I still had one question.

“What were you doing? Why didn’t you stop them or help? Or something?” I desperately questioned.

Natasha shuffled in her seat a little before she answered me.

“I tried but I was busy fighting and helping get civilians to safety myself.”

I nodded at that understanding her reasoning.

END FLASHBACK

After our talk that day we continued getting to know each other more and more and I was drawing myself farther and farther away from you. I did feel bad about it but not bad enough to stop. I wanted you to feel the same pain that I felt when I thought you lied about what happened.

It wasn't until a few days after we broke up that Natasha's true colors started to show.

At the beginning of our relationship, Natasha tried to make me happy in her own way, much like you did. However, while you focused on letting me know that it was okay to feel my emotions and cry, Natasha often brushed me off and tried to distract me with sex. When I declined, saying that I wasn't in the mood, she would get irritable and act off for the rest of the day.

That’s what happened the day I found out that you were telling the truth about what happened during the mission.

FLASHBACK

I was having a bad day, which was as expected every once in a while. I knew some would be harder than others, but I had been improving and not struggling with basic tasks every day, today was an exception though.

All I wanted to do was stay in bed and watch the old sitcoms Piet and I used to but Natasha wasn’t having that.

All she wanted to do was have a beep. She kept begging me all day and getting pissy every time I would say no.

I was getting tired of it so I thought as a distraction now would be a good time to finally get my mission report done for that mission.

I had been given some grace given everything that happened but I wasn’t excluded completely.

I made my way down the hall to the conference room where everyone does their mission reports or papers of the same sort.

When I got there I saw a few pens and other unfinished reports scattered on the rectangular wooden table. I was going to let them be until I saw Natasha's report sitting there among the others. Curious about what she had written, I decided to read it.

Reading other people's reports wasn't forbidden but it was considered as an invasion of privacy, so I knew I shouldn't do it but I just couldn't help myself for some reason.

While I was reading the report, I realized that some information was missing.

None of the things she had told me that day were mentioned in the report. I was sure that it wasn't because she had not finished it yet. She never left the room until it was completed, and I knew that she would never lie in a report. That only meant one thing.

she had lied to me.

I was confused as to why she would lie to me, knowing that it would break us up. I knew the only way to know the truth was to ask her. So, I left the room with her report in my hands, forgetting about my report that needed to be completed.

I headed towards the training room, knowing that's where she would be. Before I approached her, I hid her report behind my back, not wanting her to know that I had read it just yet.

When I walked in, she was bench pressing. "Hey, can we talk?" I asked with urgency. "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of a set," she said, breathing hard. "No, it needs to be now, it's important," I replied, losing my patience.

She re-racked the bar, sat up, and wiped the sweat from her face. "What's up?" I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm, not wanting to cause a scene. "Can you tell me what happened that day on the mission when Piet died again?" She looked at me and rolled her eyes. "I've already told you what happened, why do you want to keep hearing it?" She asked, sounding annoyed. "Because I just want to know the truth," I replied. "Well, I already told you the truth," she answered. I nodded, "That's funny, so what would this be then?" I asked as I pulled the mission report out from behind my back.

The look on her face was priceless," I thought to myself. "Where did you find that?" she asked with a look of guilt on her face. "It doesn't matter where I found it, what matters is why you lied to me!" I cried, hitting her chest with my hands.

She gently grabbed my hands to stop my attack and took a deep breath before explaining something I never thought would be her reasoning. "I lied because I wanted to break the two of you up. You both seemed so happy, even with everything, and I wanted to experience that for myself. I wanted to feel special. And I knew that if I lied, you would believe me because people who are grieving are more likely to believe a lie than people who are not."

I was shocked by what I heard and even more so to see her crying, something I had never seen her do in the year I had been living here. Even though what she did was severely messed up, I could understand why she would do it. We had similar life experiences, and in our lifestyle, what you and I had was rare.

While I could understand, I was still very upset that she would even do something like that and that I would even believe you would lie to me. All that was on my mind at this moment was you. I had to get to you and explain everything, even if you didn’t believe me and never wanted to speak with me again. It was important to me that you knew the truth.

“I have to go,” I sobbed, taking my hands out of her embrace. “I need to explain everything to y/n.” However, that thought was short-lived.

“No, NO! Please don’t leave me,” she begged as she walked me back into a wall. “I need you. I'll do better at anything. Everything, just please don’t leave me.”

I could feel her emotions through me, and they almost became too much. It felt so weird to see her like this. One of the most powerful Avengers, who I looked up to, was begging me on her knees to stay with her. It showed how you could have everything in the world, but if you didn’t have anyone to love or be loved by, you were absolutely nothing.

Feeling for her I decide to comfort her now and talk about everything else later. “Okay, okay I'll stay, I won’t leave I promise.”

END FLASHBACK

"I had been dealing with this for a couple of weeks.

Whenever I confronted her, she would break down and plead with me not to leave her. But after seeing the sorrowful look in your eyes as you walked past the common room, I couldn't bear the thought of you not knowing what happened any longer. So, I decided to talk to you. I got up, leaving Natasha sitting on the couch, and told her that I was going to the bathroom.

As I made my way to your room, I could feel my heart beating loudly in my chest, and my hands were sweaty. When I arrived, I took a deep breath and knocked on your door."

Y/n Pov

I had just returned to my room when I heard a knock at my door. Even though I didn't feel like being bothered, I had to get up and answer it. To my surprise, Wanda was standing there, looking anxious. I was unsure of what she wanted, and even though I didn't particularly want to see her, it was nice to have her there. However, I didn't want to reveal that to her.

“Um, hi. What do you want?" I asked, curious about why she had come to my room. She looked down at her hands and fiddled with her fingers, a nervous habit of hers that I had always found endearing. Smiling at the memory, I waited for her response. "Hi, I was wondering if we could talk?" she finally replied, her voice shaking a little. "Why now? You haven't wanted to talk all this time, what's changed?" I asked, confused by her sudden request. "I know, but I need to speak with you. If after you hear me out, you don't want to speak to me again, I completely understand. I'll leave you alone. But please, I need you to hear me out," she pleaded, taking hold of my hands.

I decided to hear her out and stepped aside to let her in. As she passed by me, I caught a whiff of her flowery perfume and took a deep breath, remembering how her scent used to linger on my pillowcases. I gestured towards the chair in the corner for her to sit while I took the end of my bed. We sat in silence for a while until she finally spoke.

Wanda’s Pov

I was lucky enough to have you let me in. Now, it was time for me to tell you everything. I was so nervous. Despite having rehearsed everything that I wanted to say, I found myself at a loss for words now that I finally had the chance to.

Eventually, I decided to recount everything that had happened from the very beginning. I started with how Natasha approached me in the kitchen, and then to describe how she treated me and how I found out that she had lied, along with the reason behind it. I was afraid to hear what you would say.

"That’s everything that happened. I know that nothing can excuse what I did to you, but I need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said to you that day when I told you that you weren't enough. It wasn't true, and I regret believing her instead of you. I know there's probably nothing I can say to fix this, but I just need you to know that." I said with tears in my eyes.

You looked at me with an expression that I couldn’t read. What you did next surprised me though.

Y/n Pov

After hearing everything you had to say. I felt as if everything made sense. I was saddened to know that my assumption from earlier about the older woman had been mostly correct but glad to know that the woman whom I fell in love with was exactly who I thought she was. My sweet Wanda.

I got up and walked over to the chair she was sitting in and took her face in my hands. Whipping away some of the tears that had fallen from her green orbits. I looked into her eyes and said, “I forgive you.” By the look on her face, I could tell she wasn’t expecting that she quickly jumped up and wrapped her arms around my neck.

I creased her back as I felt her body shake with sobs. I continued to whisper sweet nothings in her ear to calm her down. After a few moments, she was calm enough to have a conversation and I had some questions to ask her.

“I have some questions to ask you but first I want you to know that I’m glad you told me everything and that I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened. Anyone would’ve been vulnerable and confused in your situation. You did the best that you could and I’m so proud of you for how far you’ve come since a few months ago and I want you to know what she did to you is not okay.” I didn’t expect a vocal reply out of her, however, I did feel her nuzzle her nose into my neck.

I continued with my little speech. “Now time for the questions,” I said while taking her chin in my hands to get her to look at me. “Did she ever force you to do anything you didn’t want to? You can just nod your head yes or no.” I asked, raising my eyebrow so she would know what I was implying. I see her shake her head at me. “Okay good, that’s good. Do you know what you want to do yet?”

She moved out of my embrace a little to sit up so she could answer. “Yes, I don’t want to be with her anymore but every time I try to have a conversation with her she breaks down like she did in the gym.” She cried. I thought for a few seconds before I answered her. “I have an idea but it’s going to be a lot, are you up for it?” She looked up at me and nodded.

Over the next few days, we talked over and over about what would be the best way to go about it. When we finally got it it was time to execute it.

Wanda’s Pov

Your plan had been brilliant, It was the best thing for everyone involved although not to get hurt but that still didn’t make this any easier. Even after everything that Natasha had done I still cared for the woman but this was the best thing for her. All I had to do was get her to Bruce and he would pretty much do the rest since you had caught him up on everything that had happened. Natasha was sitting in the kitchen drinking a protein shake when I approached her. “Hey, Tasha, I was wondering if you would come down to the lab with me. I need to grab something from Tony. He said it was something about “New and improved armor.” I asked, leaning against the counter trying to not show my nerves. “Yeah sure I'll come with you.” She answered, grabbing her protein drink off the counter to take with her.

When we got to the lab she opened the door for me. I walked in and my eyes met with Bruce. I searched his emotionless eyes with my nervous ones hoping that he could give me some kind of reassurance that this was the right thing to do.

As we walked in farther Bruce walked up to us with a blank look on his face. Natasha was the first one to speak. “Hey, Bruce. Tony said he had some new armor for Wanda?” I grabbed her hand to get her to look at me thinking I should be the one to break the news. “Um, actually Nat we’re not here for that, Bruce wanted to speak with you,” I explained gently, trying to keep her as calm as possible. “Speak to me? Speak to me about what?”

She was a little cautious about what was going on. I looked to Bruce for help, thinking he would know how to answer her better than I would. “I just want to talk, you know, checking in with how you're doing.” He answered her. “Well, I’m doing fine. I need to know what this is about and I need to know now.”

Not wanting to upset her more than I already have, I decided to just tell her. “Listen,” I said, taking her hands in mine. “I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with accepting help. Even the strongest people fall sometimes.” She looked at me with worry in her voice and asked. “I- I what are you talking about?” “I spoke with him about what you told me in the gym and about everything,” I replied, almost holding my breath. I worried about what the outcome of this would be. “And he thinks that he has some things that can help you.” She looked at me with wide eyes before stating. “What I’m not crazy…I’m not crazy.” I quickly reassured her and said, “No one said you are not like I said it's okay to need help sometimes,” hoping that she would understand.

It seemed like she did as she took a deep breath and surprisingly agreed to hear Bruce out as long as I sat there and listened with her, I agreed to do that seeing as I did just surprise her out of nowhere with this. After we listened to Bruce talk about what would be her treatment plan. She seemed to be more comfortable with the idea.

When we were walking out of the lab she stopped. I turned around to see what was the hold up when she said something that I wasn’t expecting. “I’m sorry for what I did, Really sorry.” She said looking down at her feet. “And I want you to be happy, You deserve to be happy and I know that you aren’t that with me but you were with y/n and if you need me to explain everything to her I will but you deserve to be happy and be with someone who is just as amazing as you are.” She continued this time looking me in the eyes. I was shocked as to what I was hearing but not wanting to leave her hanging I replied. “Thank you for apologizing and I accept your apology. I do not need you to talk to Y/n but I do appreciate the gesture.” She nodded at me. “So I guess this is it?” You looked at her and gave a sad smile. “Yes it is, but I will be here if you need to talk and I want to be updated on how your treatment is going.” She smiled back at you and replied “I will keep you updated. Bye, Wanda.” “Goodbye,” I said as I walked away from her feeling sad but excited to go and see you.

When I finally found you, you were in your room reading some book that I couldn't see the name of. I ran into the room and jumped on your bed. You giggled and put the book down, then said, “I'm guessing it went well?” I nodded my head, smiling. “It went a lot better than I was expecting. Your plan worked,” I said. You looked at me, smiling, “I told you it would,” you said while scooting over to make room for me. As I was getting comfortable, I felt you staring at me. I looked up at you and asked, “What?” You blushed and replied, “Nothing, you're just really beautiful.” I surprised myself and started leaning up to kiss you. I went slow, not the perfect knowing if you were ready yet, but letting you know that I was. I soon knew that you were when I felt your lips on mine. I smiled softly as I broke away from the kiss. I then snuggled up in your arms, not certain of what we were in the moment, but sure of one thing: you are enough for me.

♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎

Feedback is absolutely loved!!!

[nipuni]

Some various lighthearted life updates 🏃‍♀️

It's been a very busy last few months! in a good way mostly. We had a friend visiting us from overseas so we showed him around the city and took him to all our favourite places. We also met new people and were invited to a bunch of events so it's been very fun! We are all out of social battery tho so now we are slowing down a bit and getting back to work. Nicolas is on a short work trip to Berlin and I'm back to painting. We also started running! aaand we are also back to watching a bunch of shows and to me talking about it here to like five people 😌

Under the cut cause it's a lot as usual!

We finished watching S13 of Doctor Who! (we still have the specials to go but after that we are all caught up!) I haven't updated in ages so here are lot of opinions!

We really did not enjoy S11 😞 I was aware it wasn't very popular but we were hoping it was for all the wrong reasons, sadly we found many to be valid. Some of the episodes were baffling, Rosa? Kerblam?! the writing of the whole season in general felt like a rushed school assignment. The first part of Spyfall was a strong start for the next season but that ending in the second part was really not it. We did love Sacha Dhawan's Master tho!! and we really love Jodie too, 13th is adorable and reminded us of Ten at times! Jodie is such a fantastic actress that it makes the quality of the writing and everything else around her even more frustrating 😫 S12 was an improvement in general. In the last few episodes It felt like the writing team suddenly remembered the companions could have a personality and agency lmao. Highlights for us were Spyfall one, Fugitive of the Judoon and Haunting of villa Diodati, tho we did also enjoy most other episodes of the season despite their issues.

The timeless child plot reveal felt a bit underwhelming? The idea on itself has potential but it felt mishandled (and it had a bit of a Moffat flavour to it? and not in a good way). I think it was meant to add more depth to the Doctor's lore but in a way it ends up having the opposite effect. Then the flux was just a complete mess. It read like a Marvel sort of plot, very comic book like which is alright I suppose if that is something you enjoy but it felt out of place. But mostly it was just way too much, it got out of hand. Anyway we still have the specials to watch! and I think the Master is in them so we are looking forward to it 🥰

We also watched Broadchurch!! and we LOVED it. We ended up binging all three seasons. Chibnall's writing on this is surprisingly great and Jodie's acting is spectacular she really shines here. Olivia and David are always brilliant!! honestly everyone's acting was amazing. This series had us both tearing up every five scenes. The direction and the music are outstanding. I could watch Hardy and Miller solve crimes forever I really love their chemistry and dynamic. We went into it expecting the usual detective fiction but it ended up being a whole study on grief with such a focus on family and community and trauma and a ton of touching interconnected character arcs, just really really good!!

Then we also watched Taking over the Asylum!! MAN we were not expecting to have our hearts wrung out like laundry by this!! We thought it was a lighthearted show!! GOD we are still not over it, what the fuck!! It was so good we loved it!! but we were not prepared lmao what do you mean 'the end'?? we'll be thinking of this for months, I was expecting an extra scene after the credits or something. Excellent characters, refreshing depictions of mental illness and trauma and so crushingly realistic. Every character is so loveable I really wish this was longer 😭

And our quest to watch everything with David Tennant on it continues. We watched Decoy Bride on Valentines day too and it was terrible but such a hilarious fever dream kind of bad that it was fun, it has David on it and he never disappoints. I feel so lucky that Nicolas and I are both in love with him, get yourself a man who shares your celebrity crushes lmao it's so fun!! We feel like teens again chatting about him and drawing little hearts next to his pictures haha 🥰 We watched the BAFTAs just for him and speaking of the baftas!! I was not expecting that last drawing of his outfits to get that much attention oh my god 😭 thank you!! you are all insane and I appreciate it so much!! and thank you for all the support in general, about my art and photos and just everything. I feel very lucky and grateful 😭 anyway I'll end this before I get sappy, that is all for now! I hope this week is kind to you all, I'll be sharing some more art soon 😊

[askinkiskarma]

Illicit Affairs | Chapter VIII: My Tears Ricochet

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: All secrets are revealed and both you and Neteyam have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, limited mentions of Y/N, did i mention angst, angst and more angst?

Word Count: 10,3k words (the first couple chapters were 3k, how did we get here??!)

A/N: This chapter killed me a little inside. I cried multiple times writing it, so I guess fair warning. I wanted really badly to build strong, round characters who had flaws and strengths and strong reasoning for acting a certain way/doing certain things. I wanted to write this story from both character's perspective, so it is clear that in life, each person will think they are right, that their reasoning was the correct one, when in reality, we are all a little right and a little wrong in everything we do, and it is always worth trying to see things from the other's perspective. We are coming towards the end of this first series, so I hope you enjoy this chapter and the rest of this journey. As always, thank you so much for everyone who engaged with it, I loved reading ALL of your comments and replies, they really make my day.

(Also, I feel like I am playing my own little game of "how many Taylor Swift and OG Avatar lyrics/quotes/references I can reasonably fit in a story without it being obnoxious" and I can't tell if I'm winning or not.)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

You registered the girl asking you if you were alright, but you couldn’t see in front of you, the entire room spinning like the inside of a mirrorball. You felt your body rise from where it was sat next to Neteyam’s, and shakily made your way out. Neteyam’s mate. Neteyam’s mate was next to you, asking you if you need help. It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” you manage to blurt out weakly.

You heard more commotion, and faintly made out Jake’s voice and his arm on your shoulder, trying to bring you back to them.

“Neteyam, what the hell happened?”

You didn’t hear Neteyam speak. He was quiet and you were glad. You didn’t want to hear his voice, not now, and not for the rest of your life.

The world came back to focus eventually, and you spit aggressively trying to get rid of the taste of acid in your mouth. You removed Jake’s hand from your back, and left. The thought of speaking or even looking at any of them was too much to bear. You ran, harder than you ever had before, back to where you just came from, the Ikran nest in the village. You immediately recognised your own, beautiful, gold and white, pure, unlike the rest of this world. Neyn (light colours, shades of white)… fitting name, you thought. You made the tsaheylu quickly, and without a second thought, took off.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

You had no thoughts as you flew above the forest and made your way towards the general direction of the Hallelujah mountains. You realised you didn’t know where you were going, you didn’t know how you were going to find your way back, but it didn’t matter. Were you even going to ever return? There were no tears, no sadness, just emptiness. The pieces of your heart broke so finely they turned into dust, blown away in the wind of the night. Eventually you found the mountains, easy enough to spot, even in the darkness, the fluorescent flora marking the territory with an easy-to-see glow. You flew like this, for enough time that your lungs were running out of breath and your skin felt battered by the wind, but you kept going. You felt so free, so weightless. There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

You saw a distant mountain that looked brighter than the others, and you made your way to it and were amazed to find a little cave in it, bright and colourful, a little piece of heaven on a planet that was heaven in and of itself. Neyn landed softly on the edge of the mountain and you dismounted effortlessly and approached her head, giving her pets on her neck, to which she cooed gently. She was the only friend you had, you realise. You were all alone.

“Neteyam, what happened?”

Neteyam was dragged in the tent by his dad, who was fuming. No matter what feelings his dad was feeling, they couldn’t compare to Neteyam’s anguish and terror. Why the hell was she there? She just had to wait another couple of hours and this would have never happened.

“She was patching my wound up when Tiongli came in the tent, announcing to the world she is my mate. Said mother told her about my injury.”

“Don’t you dare blame this on your mother, boy.” the Sully patriarch’s nose was flared, eyes looking at him intensely with anger and disappointment. Neteyam’s eyes filled with tears, and he felt his heart hurting so much like the gash was there instead of his arm.

“I was going to tell her tonight, dad. After dinner. I was going to tell her everything, and I was going to ask her to be my mate. I was going to come to you both and ask you to undo the engagement. I understand that a year and a half ago I gave up on her, I did it for a reason, I thought there was no future for us, and that we were hurting each other. But things have changed. She has changed. She’s going to be one of the people soon and I want her to be mine.”

“Neteyam, you can’t undo the engagement. You have known Tiongli your whole life, her family’s been expecting this since you were both young. You gave your word before Eywa, son.”

“I love her, dad. Do you understand that? I have loved her all of my life. It killed me having to leave, it killed me knowing there was no future, because she was human. But she’s not just human anymore. I was willing to go through with this for the sake of the village, for the sake of the family and the future, but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life. Mother was betrothed to uncle Tsu’tey, and she gave that up for you. It was done before Eywa, and she didn’t care. Because she loved you and she knew that was enough. She gave up being Tsahik, her birth right, so she can have you. I will not give up on her, dad. Mother wouldn’t have given up on you.”

“I have to find her. I have to make this right.”

You were sprawled on your back, feeling goosebumps form along your limbs from the cold grass. You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating. Will you even still be alive when they come? Will everything you have gone through these few months matter? Will everything you have gone through in this life matter? All the pain, and the hurt, and the grief, just so you can die at 18 from a virus. The universe was cruel, you thought. It was a fitting end, though. Meaningless and daft, like your entire life was. Born on a planet you were not made to be able to survive on, your real planet a long-forsaken dream you will never experience for yourself, surrounded by nature that could kill you in an instant. Alone, never fitting anywhere, orphaned by human diseases: cancer and greed. Left to fend for yourself when you were just ten, learning to navigate a life that only seemed to want to clobber you to the ground whenever you thought you finally could stand up again.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel, not anymore. You wanted to fight for something, for the chance at life, or at retribution, or at love. You were dying and Neteyam killed whatever hope remained in you. They all did. Norm, Max, Jake, Neytiri, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, all accomplices, all aware, all willing to lie to your face for weeks with no remorse. You thought you were good at spotting liars, now you just knew how little you knew about everything.

The pain in your soul mirrored the one in your body, as you felt the morphine wearing off and your human body struggling to keep the mind steady for the link. You had to bear it, because this pain was more manageable than the one you knew waited for you in your human form, when you would be alone in a dark room with only your nightmares to keep you company.

With a sigh and a peer up at the sky, you hoped whatever comes after death was better than the hell you’ve lived in the majority of this life.

Neteyam waited the whole night in your tent, waited for you to come back, becoming increasingly worried as the hours passed and you didn’t show. He wanted to go and look for you, but knew that as soon as you got on your ikran, the chances of finding you were thin. He would go to the lab as soon as dawn broke, but for now, he was praying that you would just burst through the tent opening so he can talk you down.

He fucked up, badly. He cringed at the thought of how much he seemed to not be able to get anything right when it comes to you. Everything he did or didn’t do ended up hurting you more, the only thing he didn’t want, the only thing in the world he continuously tried to avoid.

He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lifetime to make it up to you. He will not give up trying, no matter how long, no matter how hard, he was determined to win you back and keep you, forever.

As you made it back to your human body in the early hours of the morning, you regretted waiting so long, as your body was in indescribable agony, the likes with which you didn’t know was possible for the human body to ever experience. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, you were sweating bullets and every bone and muscle in your body throbbed with enough intensity to make it almost impossible for you to get up from the pod. Everyone must be asleep at this hour, you thought. You had to make it to your bed, you had to get at least a couple of hours of rest if you were going to live to see another day. As if you were taking the Iknimaya again, you made your way form the lab to the medical ward and injected another dose of the morphine in your system. There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

You crashed in your room for a few hours and quickly made your way back to the pod before anyone else was there to talk to. You started the linkpod by yourself and got in without hesitation.

Waking up in your Avatar body was a strange experience, as you were still in the Hallelujah mountains where you fell asleep last night. Neyn did not leave you, you noted, and she was peacefully resting next to you, cooing softly in her sleep.

“Hey, beautiful girl. Time to go back. It would be useful if you knew the way.” you pet her gently, trying not to disturb her. She woke up and pushed her snoot in your chest, and you felt it swell for this animal that you had an unbreakable bond with; you were grateful you had done the Iknimaya and at least gained a life companion from that horrible day.

As suspected, Neyn knew where to take you, and in about an hour you made it back to the village. You dreaded it, dreaded the inevitable interaction, but you knew you had to go back at some point and inform them of your whereabouts.

It was still early, so the village wasn’t quite bustling with energy yet. You quietly made it back to your tent, which you found empty. You grabbed your bow and arrows, knife and gun and a couple extra magazines. You didn’t know if you were going to be back. As you were making your way out, your head bumped into a large, muscular chest.

Fuck.

“Where the hell were you all night, kid? None of us slept a wink last night worrying.”

“Out.”

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

You laughed at the irony of his words. He caught your arm as you were walking away and pulled you back forcefully so you can face him.

“You are not going anywhere.”

“Let go.” Jake raised a brow at your words. He was not used to being spoken this way, you realise.

“How long?”

His grasp on you loosened, and his gaze softened when you peered up at him through eyelashes to which tears clung.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Kid…”

“How fucking long, Jake?”

He let go of your arm at your curse, which had never been directed at him before.

“Watch your tone, kid.”

“You made me feel like shit for learning to shoot guns without you. It made you feel bad, right? Knowing I purposefully left you out of something you could have been useful at, something we could have bonded over? I hurt you, by pushing you and Neytiri away for so many years, and I am sorry for that, but you have never, in your life, tried to understand me. So you gave me shit about something you didn’t understand, and I hurt so much inside at the thought of all I gave away by my reluctance to trust, to love, to let people in. So I changed. I let you in. I was here, everyday, acting like a perfect little daughter for you, the daughter I knew you wanted. Strong, capable, skilled. I let Neytiri in. I started calling her mum in my dreams, and although the guilt for my own mother gnawed at my insides silently, I was also relived, to finally have a family again, or for the first time.

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

I trusted you, Jake. You fucking lied to my face for months. Every time I asked where Neteyam was at dinners and you told me he was practicing, every day you plotted to get me out of the village as early morning as humanly possible and get me back after everyone else was fast asleep, I knew it in my heart you were lying, but you were all so good at it, I thought I was going crazy. But no, it was all a carefully planned ruse to not find out you made me come here and be part of the people just to watch the man I love belong to someone else without even a chance to decide for myself how to feel about it.”

The fight brought out the rest of the Sully family out of their tent, and they were all watching you now, concern and sadness displayed across their beautiful faces.

“You all lied to me. Looked me in the fucking eyes and lied to me, every day, multiple times a day. You were supposed to be my family.

The humans are coming. I will be here. I will stand and fight, you know I will. I will be your little soldier, and be who you made me into.

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

You were no longer delightfully numb, but burning with anger and earth-shattering sorrow as you stalked away from the village, leaving everything behind. Your eyes were blurry with endless tears, mourning this life and this family that you managed to gain and lose within the span of a few weeks, reeling from the wounds within your heart that never had a chance to mend before being opened again, over and over. You didn’t want to go back to the lab, knowing Neteyam was most likely looking for you there. You couldn’t go to the clearing for the same reason. You had no home anymore, no place in this world, once again. You could only think of one place to go, one place where no one would ever look for you.

Your knees were shaking furiously as you walked, and you were scared of another flashback that you would have to ride out by yourself, but it never came. You just walked, crying and panting from all the pain the last 24 hours brought, and eventually you made it to a place you never thought you would ever see again. The clearing looked peaceful, with rays of light penetrating through tree branches, creating Mandalas on the ground that you found yourself tracing with your eyes.

In the corner, lay a decrepit exo suit, and you made your way to it, settling on the ground next to it. You knew now this exo suit belonged to your dad, and you removed some vines that grew on top of his name, Gideon Barlowe. A beautiful name, you thought, and your mind wandered to the past, a past way before you were even born, and wondered what your grandparents did back on Earth. Did they encourage their son to leave his own planet in pursuit of planetary colonisation, monetary gain and murderous acts? Did they know? Did he know? Was he like that his whole life, or did he start off fighting the good fight, and was corrupted by the jagged and monstrous lifestyle? You wondered if this was what he has always dreamt of doing, or he had secret dreams of being a painter, or a gardener. Did he play guitar, too? You snored sometimes, did you get that from him? You had so many questions for this man you shared half your DNA with, but have never met. For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

Sobbing uncontrollably, you heard yourself speak in between wails. “Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

A little past eclipse, you arrived at the lab, and used the keycard you remembered to bring with you. You hoped Neteyam would be gone by now, in case he was trying to find you here. You made your way through the hub and into your bedroom, which looked tiny in your Avatar body. You realise how uncomfortable it must have been for him to be here so often, then cursed your brain for making you think about such things. Your Avatar body needed a bed, so you walked slowly to where the other Avatar bodies usually were laid to rest for the night. There should be an empty space where your mum or Grace used to sleep. It didn’t take long for you to wake up back in the linkpod, as with most nights recently, you were barely able to maintain the neurolink by the time evening came.

Max was waiting for you. “Neteyam came by. He’s been looking for you, said you left the village yesterday and didn’t come back. He was worried sick.”

You didn’t answer him, as you slowly got out of the pod and tried to steady your feet on the ground, harder than it seemed when the entire room was spinning around you.

“What happened?”

“The mate you all hid from me for weeks came announcing herself in my tent as we were just about to kiss.”

“Any other questions?”

You didn’t wait for a response before you made your way out of the room, stalking towards the medical ward.

As you retired to your room for the night, you noted the morphine was not working as well as used to anymore. You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left. Maybe a couple of days. A couple more days of this. And then it would finally be over. You gave it a fair shot, this life thing. You couldn’t say you felt particularly sad at the thought of it ending. You pressed play on your vintage record player and let yourself sleep.

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day”

You spent the next 2 days in a haze, drugged out of your mind, waking up before eclipse and leaving to your dad’s grave and sleeping in the woods until the night, barely able to make it on your own two feet. Even in your human body, Neyn recognised you, and stood by you, which gave you some peace of mind. You made sure to bring her fruits from the lab, and she cooed warmly as she settled next to you.

When you made your way back that night, Norm was waiting.

“Where the hell have you been? Everyone’s been looking for you for 3 fucking days.”

You removed your oxygen mask and made your way to the room, where he followed you. You were in so much pain you couldn’t see straight.

“I am talking to you!” he took you by your arm and spun you around. The motion made you instantly sick, and you struggled to keep down the fruits you shared with your ikran.

“Let go of me, Norm.” you had no strength in your body anymore, so it took you awhile to shake him off.

“You look like shit. What did you do?”

You managed to make it to the bathroom, where you shut the door behind you and got in the shower. Fortunately, for you or him, you couldn’t tell, Norm was gone when you came out.

The next morning, you woke up desperately searching for pain relief and didn’t know if you were going to be able to make it to the ward before your knees would collapse on themselves. You were shaking and dizzy, out of your mind with agony and walking to the bathroom felt like the most intensive workout you have ever done. You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out. It was too much for you to bear, and before you could even think or rationalise, you felt your fingers curl into a fist and make contact with the cold glass of the mirror, shattering in dozens of pieces, and it made you weirdly happy to have a visual representation of how your soul felt. The instant pain of the all the wounds the smash caused also gave you a weird sense of euphoria, and you realised it was taking away from the pain in the rest of the body, which was only able to focus on one agonising sensation at a time. This felt like a kiss by comparison, and you knew then you could go on a little longer, you could continue with the rest of the day.

Norm came bursting through the door at the loud crash.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

You came out of your bathroom, blood dripping all over the floor as you made your way to the bed, sitting down on it.

“Leave, Norm.”

“What?”

“Leave.”

“What the hell has gotten into you recently. you are rude and brash, and you hurt people’s feelings with no remorse. This isn’t you.”

“What the hell do you know about me, Norm?” you say, laughing bitterly.

“Ace, stop.”

“You don’t know anything, Norm.” you kept going, the fury and hurt getting the best of you, once again, your need to destroy everything in your path as a way to cope with your own heartbreak winning by a landslide.     

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13? I have been slowly depleting our sleeping pill and benzodiazepines inventory and replacing it with multivitamin pills I found in one of the drawers. I mean thank God none of you suffer from anxiety or panic disorder or need help sleeping cause I would have been busted so long ago.”

You laughed mockingly at his shocked face, jaw so close the floor now you could trip on it on your way out.

“Did you know I am about a week and a half away from dying after I accidentally smashed a vial of infected blood and got it in my mouth?”

You stand corrected, you think now his jaw was close enough to the floor to trip on it.

“Did you know I have upgraded from a pill addiction to a full blown opioid addiction in order to not collapse on the floor in excruciating pain because of the way this virus is eating at my insides? Yeah, yeah, that’s right. We’re almost out of a whole vial of morphine after I injected it in my veins every day for a while now.”

He had no words. “That’s about right.”

“I do know one thing you do know, though. You know that Neteyam had his mate announcement ceremony that day I took off. You were there to see the two love birds announce their love and pledge their commitment to each other the one day I was not there. And that’s why you were acting shifty. You know about that. And somehow you forgot to tell me, every day, for weeks. How does that work out, Norm, hmm?”

“I felt so bad for snapping at you a couple of days ago. I felt like a horrible fucking person for hurting your feelings. I should have been watching my back, instead.”

You got up from your bed and started walking towards the door.

“If I were you I would not linger in a room with poisoned blood dripping on the floor for too long.”

You found some paper towels at the side of your bed and wrapped them around your bleeding, pained hand, and with that, you left.

After you upped the morphine you usually took, you went to the lab and prepped a hood for some more experiments. Work was a good way to get your mind off things, to mindlessly do something that had a purpose other than driving you to the brink of insanity.

You heard a loud banging noise coming from the entrance, and you had a sneaking suspicion you knew who it was. You heard Norm open the door.

“Is she here?”

“Yeah, but Neteyam, I think you should go. She’s not in a good place, and I really don’t think doing this will end well for either of you.”

“I don’t care, I have to talk to her, I have been looking for her for 3 fucking days.”

You heard the door to the lab slide open and hissed at the man you knew would be trying to come in, realising hissing in a human body doesn’t have nearly the same effect.

“Get the fuck out, Neteyam. This is a sterile room.”

“I don’t fucking care about the room, Atan. Where the fuck have you been? Please come out so we can talk.”

You threw your head back and laughed, really laughed.

“You really are delusional if you think there is any way in heaven and hell I would want to hear anything you have got to say. The time for talking was a couple months ago, Neteyam. The time for talking was the first day I got my Avatar body, where in addendum to telling me you own my ass now, you could have also sprinkled in the fact your are now mated with someone else.”

“I am not mated with anyone, for fuck’s sake. Just come out so we can talk, please. I will explain everything, please!”

You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, for the first time since that day. He looked exhausted, anguished. Deep purple bags under his eyes, that were burning red where the whites should be. He has been crying. Good, you thought. He looked panicked and miserable and desperate for you to give him the time of day, for you to allow him to explain the unexplainable.

You sighed and your heart constricted in pain. Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you. At the same time, you were curious, morbidly curious as to what has actually happened, what led to this moment. You knew he loved you. You knew that much, but it didn’t seem to matter in this moment, as he broke your heart for what felt like the thousandth time in your short life.

“Go to the clearing, I’ll come when I’m ready.”

You half considered just leaving him there to wait, abandoning him just he did to you. You finished splitting your cells and treating them, and in about an hour, you went into the linkpod and took your Avatar for a walk in the woods. You reached the clearing shortly, as it was close enough that even child you could do it without getting too far away from the building.

You saw him standing there, his back turned to you and his legs submerged in the river that was rushing violently downstream. It was a cold day, and rain was trickling down your body like shivers from a kiss. There was tension in the air, and you knew a storm was coming. You could practically feel the charge in the atmosphere, and were expecting thunder to start any minute now, ready to mirror the agony in your soul.

“I’m here.”

He didn’t speak for a while. Just stood looking at the river, deep in thought.

“So many of our moments throughout the years happened here. Remember when I taught you to swim in the river? Now, in retrospective, that was a bad idea since the water kept taking you away, to the point I had to wait at the end so I could catch you in my arms, like you were a baby.”

You winced at the memory.  You thought you could do this. You felt numb in that lab, numb on the way here, but as soon as your eyes focused on him, tears starting pooling in your eyes and pain overtook your body, that you tried to counteract by wrapping your arms tightly around yourself. He’s caused you so much hurt, so much grief in the years he’s known you. But he was also at the forefront of most of your happiest memories. You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

That is why this hurt so much, why your body was convulsing on itself in insurmountable grief. And also why you owed him this much. Owed him this conversation, and the right to explain his point of view, that you were still unfamiliar with.

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

“Fuck, Y/N, all I did before I left is hurt you.”

“What are you talking about?” You were confused at the turn this conversation took. What did he mean? You couldn’t recall a single time Neteyam hurt you before you left. Sure, you would fight and bicker sometimes, but it was a normal part of any relationship, you thought. And he always made it up to you, would always come to the lab and sit with you with flowers he collected or trinkets he found in the woods, always holding you and kissing your forehead to make sure you were over it before he had to leave. Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

“I almost fucking killed you. Or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how I manipulated you into getting on top of an ikran when you were just a 13 year old human and almost watched you die? Have you forgotten I took you to the woods and raced you to your dad’s remains? I was a walking magnet for disasters in your life and I was tired, so fucking tired of watching your life fall apart all around me. I had to watch you learn to walk again, limp because of my actions, for years. I had to pull you out of flashbacks and nightmares you developed because of ME. You were always fine in the woods with Lo’ak or Kiri, but everything bad that has happened to you happened around me.”

He was crying, panting and angry, at himself or you or the universe, you couldn’t tell.

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

You had no words to speak as you lay there, listening to him letting you in to a secret you have spent so many months agonising over. The reason for his departure haunted you for a year and a half, even when you refused to think about him, about it, it was there, constantly emerging from the depths of your subconsciousness, taunting you in your dreams. Why? Why? Why?

Because he wanted to protect you?

You didn’t have time to process all of this new information, before he continued.

“The night you found your dad, I was shaken to my core, in a way I have never truly been before. I was so heartbroken, for you and for myself, for knowing this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I went home and mother found me, and told me that maybe I can’t help you in the way I’ve always wanted. That maybe it’s better for you that I remove myself for a while and leave you room to breathe and heal. So I did. It took me a long time to get the strength to do it. Every time I thought today is the day, I would see you and you would smile at me, and we would sit on your bed and you would read to me or play me songs or just be there, just you and me, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You were everything to me, my light in all the darkness.

A year later, you sang me the song and you were smiling at me singing it, and I knew you were confessing feelings we have both felt for years and couldn’t say out loud. And I knew that if I stayed, whatever we had would escalate past the point of no return. If I stayed, that would be it. And that’s when I decided. I thought I was doing us both a favour. I knew it would hurt you, just as much as it hurt me, but I thought the pain would subside in time.”

You were crying now, you realised, tears falling silently and effortlessly down your face, with no intention to ever stop, instantly washed away by the pouring rain. There were no sounds, no sobs or wails, or panted breaths, just the sounds of rain and hopeless, soft cries and muffled sniffles, for the man in front of you, for all that you have lost, for the past you shared and the future that you would never have.

He got up from where he stood and turned around to face you. He walked towards you until he was so close to you could feel his breath on your face. His stare made goosebumps appear on your entire body, so earnest and desperate, so full of intensity for the words he was trying to convey to you.

“It didn’t.” He said, at the same time you thought the same words in your mind.

“A few years ago, mother and father told me I would one day have to find a mate. They knew and I knew it was expected of me, but I always put it off, so they eventually dropped it. I learnt later they both knew about us, so they didn’t push me into anything until they felt I was ready. A few months after they realised I decided to leave, they started bringing it up again. I didn’t want to hear it, but they said it was time, as I had refused for years longer than what was acceptable in the clan. I met with so many girls, all from good families, all healers in training, all wrong. Beautiful girls, smart girls, skilled healers and singers, and it was like looking at the grey walls of your lab. I felt nothing, I felt sick just thinking about it, like just the thought would be betraying the memory of our bond. Eventually, I told them they can decide. Grandma can decide whatever she thinks is best, and, as Tsahik, I would listen to her voice and wisdom, and do my duty to the clan. She chose Tiongli. I knew her growing up, and we were friendly, so I tried to make an effort. I would go to her tent, and she would show me her training sometimes, I would let her heal my wounds and imagined it was your hands touching me instead. I visited her family and paid my respects, and had dinner with them whenever they invited me. I hoped in time, I could learn to care for her, to lessen the distaste in my mouth whenever my family or the clan talked about the future, about the ceremony, about the life I was supposed to lead that I hated even the thought of.

And then, one day, my dad sent me to get Lo’ak from the lab. I was so scared of knowing I would have to see you again. It had been so long, and so many feelings gnawed at me on the walk there, terror and anxiety, guilt and longing. But then I saw you, and there was only one feeling: love. Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

He slowly took your face in his hands, and his thumb was caressing your cheek trying to wipe the tears and raindrops that were falling mercilessly. You saw his face slowly getting closer to yours, and you knew you should pull away, you should remove yourself from his grasp before the kiss was going to remove the last ounce of happiness from you. You knew what you had to do, knew that no matter what information or answers or justifications he would give you today, they wouldn’t matter. You should pull away, because there is no future, no hope. But you couldn’t. You didn’t know what waited for you in the afterlife, but if there was any chance you would have your memories, you wanted this kiss to haunt you forever, to remind you of the life you left behind.

His lips touched yours so gently, it felt like a whisper. Like a hug, tender and warm, it was so different than your first kiss. Tears were still running down your face as your lips moved, entangled with his and begging for more. Your hands went to his chest, to his neck, to his back, just touching him, trying to memorise his body, this feeling. You wanted so much more, you wanted to be his, you wanted to feel him, you wanted him to own you, like he did your heart, which has been his your entire life and will still be his after your death.

You were a mess of wet tangled limbs and panted breaths by the end, and eventually, he broke the kiss to look at you through teary eyes.

“I love you, I will always love you. I am so sorry.”

“I love you, too.”

“But this doesn’t change anything, Neteyam.”

“Thank you, for finally telling me why you left. For giving me some closure for something that has plagued me for so long, it became a constant part of my nightmares. Thank you for having my best interest at heart; it couldn’t have been easy to leave, if you didn’t want to, it took a strong heart to do something that hurt you for what you thought was the lesser evil. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes. The ikran ride is still a beautiful memory to me. You made it a beautiful memory. If it weren’t for your quick thinking, we probably would have both died at the hands of Toruk. You saved my life, Neteyam. You carried me home and stayed with me while I was having surgery, you stayed with me after, while I recovered. You pulled me out of the worst panic attack I have ever had when I found my dad, and you rode out so many of my flashbacks, I have lost count. You weren’t the cause or the common denominator of these events, I was. I am the one plagued by misfortune and hurt and death. Not you. And if you tell me you had to leave to save your own peace of mind, I would respect that. I don’t know anyone in this world who can take this, take me and all the shit that follows me everywhere I go. I don’t blame you.

But if you tell me that you did this for me, that I can’t accept. I didn’t ask for any of this. You gave me no choice, and no say in this relationship, in our shared life. You just left. I deserved better than that. And I deserved better than to find out about a mate after months of lies and manipulation and deceit. I don’t care. I don’t care if you are going to say that you didn’t want it, or you were going to undo it, or that you’ve always loved me and never her. I don’t care. You lied to me, you manipulated me. You accused me of fucking your brother as you were promised to another woman that you hid from me for months. I do blame you for that, and I will never be able to forgive you.”

“Please, Atan…I will tell her no. I will tell her -.” he was sobbing now, his hands still on your face, pleading.

“No.” you slowly took his hands in yours and removed them from your face.

“I think you should do it, Neteyam. She is a good girl, she will make a good Tsahik, and a good mate. Your mother was right, there is no future here - there never was. I love you, so much. But I think you have broken my heart one too many times. I am done.”

You turned your back and walked away from him and the life that was lost - forever.

You were completely soaked when you arrived in the lab, and you went straight to the Avatar laying room and cried. Cried until it felt like no more tears could possibly come out of you. You cried yourself to sleep and then cried in the pod, on the way to your bedroom, and in bed until your human body eventually collapsed from exhaustion. You cried in your dreams, in which Neteyam was kissing you and touching you, doing all the things you were silently begging him to in your mind just a few hours ago.

Eventually, nightfall came, and you had to get up to do the rest of your experiments and top up your analgesic. Ironically enough, you were making real progress on your work. You found a combination therapy that was showing incredible potential in slowing the virus down. It wasn’t enough to stop and eradicate it, but it was enough to give people more time and hopefully give the scientists more time to find a cure. It wouldn’t help you, but maybe you could still help others.

At some paint through the night, as you were making up some reagents, Norm bursts through the door holding a bunch of equipment and some pills, you realise. He puts them down on the bench behind you and speaks.

“Right, stop whatever you are doing, right now.”

“I am in the middle of something.”

“I don’t fucking care. Stop, now.”

You were taken aback at his words and attitude. Norm never got mad, or lost his composure. He was so most well balanced person you knew.

You put the pipette gun down and turned around to face him.

“I still need to adjust the pH on this.”

He ignored you while he prepared the myriad of little gadgets he brought with him. He motioned for you to take off your lab coat, and you rolled your eyes in annoyance, but did as you were told regardless. You were too tired to argue anymore.

He raised the sleeves of your top until they couldn’t go any further up your arm and put a blood pressure monitor on you. You felt tension as its sleeve tightened around you painfully, but eventually it gave out with a puff, and you heard beeping as the machine finished its reading. You looked to your right where the monitor lay, and saw red lights flashing, letting Norm know your blood pressure and pulse were dangerously low. His eyes widened slightly at the sight, but he held his composure, removing the gadget from around your arm and putting it away. He then read your oxygen levels, which you saw were constantly dabbling between 89 and 90%. Not good, you thought. No wonder you could barely breathe anymore. Norm cursed silently under his breath, trying to not let you see him, but if there was one thing you were good at, it’s reading people. Well, you thought you were, at least.

“Did you do any tests on your blood? How is your complete blood count looking?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Why the fuck not, Ace? It’s not like you don’t know how to do it.”

He was angry, really angry. You’ve never seen Norm this angry, you’ve never seen Norm acting this way towards you.

You just shrugged. With a huff of annoyance, he took your arm and prepared a needle and syringe to collect some blood. He gulped and you could see tears forming in his eyes when he looked at the violet bruises and needle holes that were plastered along the length of your brachial vein.

“Just didn’t get around to it.”

“You didn’t - Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“What medicine have you been taking? Did you take the Relenta, or the combination therapy we have been working on?”

“Neither.”

You swear you saw Norm’s entire body enter a catatonic state and he turned so red you were worried he was going to release steam out of his ears.

“You have been sick for a month and did not take anything, none of the treatments we have been working on?”

You couldn’t look him in the eye anymore, finding comfort in the pattern of the tiles on the floor.

“I can’t believe you. I didn’t peg you for someone who would just throw their life away meaninglessly. Your mum had to die because we didn’t have a way to treat her illness, and here we are, with a solution that YOU came up with for your own illness, and you will just not even try?”

You were quiet, not really having a way to rebut his questions.

“Fine. We will start you on the combination treatment tonight and take it from there. There’s other things we haven’t tried yet and I’m sure -“

“NO.”

“I’m not asking you. I’m not letting you fucking die.”

“Why must you always fucking try to fix everything, Norm? Some things can’t be fixed. I don’t want the fucking pills. I am done. I want this to be done.”

“So you’ll just die? Is that what you’re saying? You want to die, and not even fucking TRY to see if there is more to this life. Goddamn it, Y/N. I thought having the Avatar would help you realise life is worth living, there’s beauty in this world beyond the walls of this lab. You got your first kill, you did the Iknimaya, you’re going to become one of the people. Don’t you want to see what your future holds? Don’t you want to live to see yourself grow up? Fall in love, start a family. There are more guys in this world than just Neteyam.”

You gave Norm a dirty look and got out of the lab.

Neteyam felt his whole body reel after your conversation. It didn’t change anything, he thought bitterly. He thought explaining it to you, allowing to see that he had good reasons for his actions would allow you to forgive him, to at least allow him the opportunity to make it up to you through time. You left, just like he had so long ago, but there was a finality to you that he didn’t feel then. Back then, he always had hope that a miracle would still be possible, one in which you got an Avatar, healed and loved him, forever. He wanted to love you forever, but his apology and explanations were not enough.

He lost you, again.

He spent the night flying on his Ikran, just flying and letting the rain soak his thoughts and hurt away. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted the rain to melt his bones until there was nothing left of him but the memory of happier times.

In the early hours of the morning, he made it back to the village, trying to hide his cried out eyes and calamitous grief. He was dreading having to talk to his parents, to explain to them what happened, to have to go through with Tiongli and this future he didn’t want and will have to suffer through for the rest of his life. He didn’t have time to worry about it too much though, because, as he managed to get to the tent’s entrance, he heard Norm’s voice and his dad’s, intertwined with his grandma’s voice rising above them.

“It won’t work. Eywa will not allow her to come back.”

“Why not? She has taken her Iknimaya, she has completed her kills, she has spent her entire life in the village’s service, trying to help the best way she knew how. If she doesn’t deserve this, who does?”

“It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it. It’s that she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want this, Norm. The Great Mother will not transfer the conscience of someone with no future.”

“But maybe if this happened, she will realise that she wants to live. Once she’s rid herself of her weak body, of this disease, maybe she will -“

“The Great Mother’s word is final. She will die, because she wants to die.”

Mo’at’s voice rang in his ears so hard he thought his eardrums would pop.

She doesn’t want it.

She will die.

What were they talking about? Who would die?

No… it couldn’t be. No, the Great Mother wouldn’t be so cruel.

He didn’t wait to hear the rest of the conversation, running as fast as his feet could carry him back to the lab. He reached soon enough, he was faster than most other people in the village, and started knocking on the door of the lab with all his might.

“Y/N, OPEN UP, I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!”

Eventually, Max came to the door, through which Neteyam burst without consideration for the tiny human next to him.

“She’s not in, Neteyam. She left before any of us had a chance to say anything.”

“Was she in her Avatar body?”

“No, the body is in the den where they sleep.”

He didn’t bother thanking the man, as he turned on his heel and started running again. She was there, had to be.

It was still raining, the clouds relentless as they released drops that poured gently down his face and body, and Neteyam thought the Great mother was crying, mourning the love being washed away like a pebble in the river of the clearing, just like he was.

You were there, of course you were. A current shocked Neteyam at the sight of you. This was the first time he has seen your human body in months, and he found it hard to reconcile the image of you he has known all his life with this current one. You were incredibly thin, so thin, whereas a few months ago he could trace your muscles, he could now trace your bones. You were pale, almost ashen, and the hair that he once spent so long admiring was now brittle and dull, obvious even as it was, wet and clinging to your back. You looked lifeless. He felt a lump form in his throat and tears pool in his eyes that were still not dry from all the pain this day has brought.

You didn’t notice him yet, your human ears much less sensitive than your Avatar, so you were just sitting on the riverbank with your chin resting on your knees, which were brought to your chest and your arms wrapped tightly around them. You were looking at the water, and it was like you weren’t actually there. You were in your own world, far from here, from this hurt.

“I was going to ask if it was true, what I heard Norm talk about in the tent today, but I think you’ve answered my question.”

Neteyam saw you flinch, and it felt like even that brought your weak frame pain. You were trembling when you looked at him, and your face made his own drop in shock. Your beautiful features, the blush in your cheeks, the glimmer in your eye, the pink of your lips, your animated expressions or raised eyebrows, were all gone. Your eyes looked glossed over and numb, your face looked ghostly and sunken, and Neteyam swore he could trace every blood vessel on your forehead and neck. The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

“I didn’t think I could make myself any clearer, Neteyam.”

“tell me it isn’t true. Tell me he’s lying; he’s making it up.”

“What part?”

“All of it.” Neteyam was angry now, trying to contain the temper rising in his chest.

“Tell me you’re not dying.”

“Norm has a big fucking mouth.”

“Can you for once in your fucking life just answer a question? This is fucking serious!”

You winced at his words, then struggled to get up, but did eventually and fully face him. The state of you hit him like bullets, piercing and scraping at his every organ, leaving bleeding wounds behind.

“It’s true”.

Crack, crack, crack. 

“When?”

“The night you gave me the guitar. I was so busy being in love with you I forgot to put the proper protection on, and I smashed a bottle of infected blood. It got in my mouth, in my nose.”

“I thought you were working on a cure.”

“Haven’t found it yet.”

“But you said you have something that kind of works, something to give people more time.”

“I’m human, it doesn’t work that way for us.”

“So, you’ve tried.”

You weren’t looking at him anymore, just staring at the ground in front of you, somewhere next to Neteyam’s feet.

“Tell me you have fucking tried.”

It thundered aggressively as Neteyam said that, and he saw you once again tremble at the loud sound. You have never been a jumpy person. You were the bravest person he knew. You were the strongest person he knew. It was unspeakable having to watch you now, sitting meekly in front of him, when just a few days ago you took the Iknimaya, taking the climb to the toughest tests known to the Omatikaya, doing it like it was nothing, just another day for you. To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

“TELL ME YOU HAVE TRIED.”

“NO, OKAY?? NO, I HAVEN’T FUCKING TRIED.” You were sobbing now, your tears washed away by the rain and wind as soon as they fell down your cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because I am tired. I want this to end.”

“I thought you were happy. I thought you were better. You seemed better in the Avatar.”

“I was better… in the Avatar. Because that wasn’t my life. That was just a beautiful dream, while my life was the never-ending nightmare. It was easy to pretend in that body. It was easy to be the version of myself everybody wanted me to be. But I have to live with the real me every night. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” The more you cried, the more Neteyam’s blood boiled in his veins.

“That’s such fucking bullshit.”

“You know what I think?”

“I think dying is fucking easy. It’s your easy way out.”

You looked up at his much larger frame incredulously, and he saw how your mood was starting to mirror his own.

“What did you just say? You think this is fucking easy for me?”

“Yes, I think it is. I think all you’ve done since your mum has died is take the easy way out. Put everything and everyone in your little bottom desk drawer, keeping everyone at a distance. Do you know how much mother and father suffered every time you refused to come out, to come to the village? My mother cried herself to sleep at the thought of you alone in that lab, at the thought that you preferred that soulless, empty place to her, to us. Did you know that?

You have not once opened that drawer, not once dealt with anything. All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out.

You have made me feel like the worst person in the world, for leaving, for lying to you. But what the fuck have you done, huh? You lied to me about dying, for weeks! About dying! What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!

I left you for a year because I wanted to protect you, you are leaving permanently because you refuse to fucking deal with the pain and hurt I know you feel deep down inside. You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.

You are a coward.”

Neteyam turned on his heel and walked away, before he got a chance to see you collapse on the ground, giving your last few breaths in the place he used to imagine both of your children laying in his arms peacefully while you sang them to sleep.

Tag list (I hope I didn't miss anyone, thank you so much for asking to be tagged <3): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties

[collapsedglasshouses]

WOULD YOU SAY I'M WORTHY? || TWO

PAIRING: Noah Sebastian x OFC ; slight Nick Folio x OFC

DIVIDER ART WORK BY @saradika-graphics

SUMMARY: When Eden meets Noah, her life is anything but perfect. Her heart is far more broken than Noah can even guess at this point. Will he be able to mend the wounds he hadn’t caused?

WARNINGS: angst, fluff, eventually smut, mentions of grief/loss, mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of mental health issues, mentions of illnesses

A/N: OMG. I didn't expect the first part to go that well. Thank you for every comment, like or reblog (especially the rebloggers, ily with all my heart)! im sorry it took me so long to upload part two, i had a lot to do irl. but here it is! i hope you like it!

TAGLIST: @measuredingold @cncohshit @lma1986 @missduffsblog @cookiesupplier @thescarlettvvitch @bngurngheart @dream-machine-love @arkiliastuff @vinyardmauro @lacktoesandtoddlerants @princessmarshmallowx @circle-with-me @thisbicc @xxkittenkissesxx @malerieee @smoke-in-diamond-shape (pls dont be mad if i missed someone, just remind me, im clumsy sometimes)

If you wanna be added to the story's taglist or to my taglist in general, leave a comment or message me privately!

MASTERPOST || MASTERLIST

Eden had been staring at her phone for forty minutes straight.

After waking up, her thoughts had been running constantly. She didn’t have a costume, she wasn’t in the mood to go out, she had just turned 26. All she had done since waking up an hour ago was shower and brushing her teeth. She stood in her kitchen, still wrapped in her towel and her wet, unbrushed hair just dangled over her shoulders.

She knew she was overreacting, but everything reminded her of the things she desperately wanted to suppress.

She had been staring at Nick’s messages from the previous night with a weird feeling in her stomach. She didn’t even know what brought her to the point of agreeing to go to a party. A birthday party of a man she didn’t know, while she also tried to suppress the thoughts about her own age.

She was snapped out of her thoughts, when her phone began to ring. Her sister.

Should she answer?

She continued to stare at her phone.

The call went away.

Thank god.

She blinked for a couple of seconds, while she felt her heart beating so fast that she actually thought for a second, she was going to have a heart attack.

Then her phone rang again. Her sister again. She bit her lip for a second, before she sighed. She knew, she couldn’t ignore all the calls for the whole day, so she grabbed her phone and answered with a simple “Hello.”

“Took you some time.” Her sister answered and Eden could picture the sweet smile plastered on her sister’s face. Her little sister Raven was four years younger than her. At first, her parents hadn’t really planned on having another child, but when her mom fell pregnant with Raven, they were all over the moon. Eden couldn’t remember most of the time before Raven was born, but she remembered vividly how excited they all were when she finally was here.

She always had been the complete opposite of her older sister. While Eden was rather quiet and liked to be alone, Raven enjoyed the company of each and every individual around her. Raven liked to speak; Eden hated it. Raven was great at school; Eden wasn’t.

Even though they were basically polar opposites of each other, Eden loved her dearly and they always got along. But things had changed after Eden moved away from their hometown. She found herself not liking the company of anyone anymore. She knew it hurt Raven, but at the same time she felt like Raven was the only one that understood her and her decisions.

“Sorry, I was showering.” Eden quietly answered her little sister.

For a couple of seconds, it was rather quiet. It seemed like Raven tried to find the right words.

“I know, you hate it, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday.” Raven began. “Mom told me to wish you all the best from them too, but they didn't want to bother you any longer than necessary.”

Eden swallowed. She knew she had been a pain in the ass the last couple of months, but she didn’t realize she had driven her parents to the point of not even wanting to call her.

She tried to swallow her doubts, before mumbling a response. “Thank you. I’m sorry for being so quiet.”

“Oh… Don’t worry, Eden. We love you.” Raven answered her quickly and tried to sound as happy as possible, but Eden heard the worry in her voice.

“I’m going to a party today.” Eden than exclaimed, to calm her sister’s nerves and seemingly it worked.

“Are you for real?” Raven exclaimed excitedly. “Yes, I am.” – “Where? Who? I-…?”

Eden laughed quietly. She really missed her sister. She really did.

“A friend of mine invited me to the birthday party of his friend.” Eden answered her sister with a small smile on her face.

“A friend or a friend?” Raven then wanted to know. Eden knew for a fact that Raven was wiggling her eyebrows while asking that question.

“A friend.” Eden rolled her eyes. She knew this was coming.

“Sorry, I was just asking.” – “You know, it wouldn’t be this way before you even asked, Raven.”

“Yes, I know. I just wanted to make a joke… I’m sorry.” Raven apologized.

After that, it was quiet again.

“Please don’t be mad at me, Eden.” – “I’m not, Raven. Don’t worry.” – “It was really insensitive of me… Considering, you're not-…” – “It’s really okay, Raven.”

It was quiet again. Eden wanted to cry because of the awkwardness.

“I… You know… Imma... I need to go.” Raven then said and Eden’s heart hurt. This was exactly how she didn’t want this to go.

“Okay. See ya.” Eden then answered and soon the call ended.

Eden felt bad. Everything felt bad. She just wanted to curl into a ball on her couch and never move again.

She looked at the clock and realized, she needed to head out sooner than later, to find a costume, if she wanted to be on time for the party. So, she sighed and got ready. Before she went out, she ate a bowl of cereal and then grabbed her keys.

While she was walking to her car, she covered her head with her hand. It had started to rain like crazy.

Right as she reached her car, her phone buzzed. It was Nick.

Nick: Just wanted to see if you would come tonight… Nick: I mean, since you didn’t answer yesterday…

Eden starred at her phone for a second, before she answered.

Eden: was about to head out to get a costume

She thought for a second, before she texted again.

Eden: maybe you wanna join me?

Nick instantly answered.

Nick: send me the location and ill be there

Eden sat in her car, nervously biting her fingernails as she waited for Nick to arrive. The Halloween store's neon sign flickered above her, casting a somewhat spooky glow on the damp pavement. She glanced at her phone and saw a text from Nick, confirming his arrival.

Nick: two minutes…

She took a deep breath and stepped out of her car, feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiety. The rain had stopped, leaving a crisp chill in the air.

As she entered the store, the scent of latex and plastic immediately crept up into her nose. Rows of costumes, masks, and accessories sat in front of her, ready to be explored. Eden wandered through the aisles, unsure of where to start. Her eyes scanned the racks of costumes, ranging from spooky to silly. She felt totally overwhelmed.

It had been a while since she last dressed up for Halloween. To be exact, it had been about ten years. She also didn’t quite remember what happened on said Halloween, since she had been more than drunk. The only thing she vividly remembered was how she puked her brains out that night.

Before she could think about it any longer, she heard someone enter the store and was soon met with Nick’s broad smile that was almost contagious to her.

"Eden! Happy Birthday!" he exclaimed and hugged the girl for short second while she started to blush like crazy, his enthusiasm echoing through the store. “Ready to find the perfect costume?”

She nodded, trying to match his energy. "Not really, but let’s do it anyways."

For the next hour, they searched through various options. Eden couldn't decide whether to go for classic monsters or popular characters from movies and TV shows. Nick showed Eden some funny and silly options, making her laugh at his playful behavior.

"How about a giant banana?" Nick suggested, holding up a bright yellow costume.

Eden shook her head, grinning. "I don't think so. I prefer my fruits less... inflatable."

Nick laughed with his full heart, before going on with his search.

Right as Eden set her eyes on a black lacy corset dress, she felt Nick’s presence close to her and jumped when she saw him with a ghost face mask on his face.

“What’s your favorite horror movie, Eden?” Nick asked with a deep tone in his voice, while Eden held her chest. Her heart was beating fast.

“Don’t scare me, Nick!” She shouted and shoved him away from her with a small smile on her face. Nick pulled the mask off while still giggling his ass off.

"How about Ghostface from Scream?" Nick suggested, holding up the iconic white ghostly mask.

Eden's eyes lit up with intrigue. "Actually, that's a great idea, Nick. It's simple, yet mysterious. Let's go for it."

“As mysterious as you.” Nick answered while handing the mask to her. Eden smiled a little to herself, not knowing how to answer him, so she just decided to ignore it.

Eden’s eyes traveled back to the black lacy corset dress in front of her and she decided to spice her costume up a bit. If she was going to have fun for once, she was going to do it right.

“Will you try it on?” Nick asked with a spark of curiosity in his eyes. Eden felt how her cheeks heated up at his expression.

“What if I wanted to surprise you?” She answered him boldly and her mind instantly started to race at her sudden change in demeanor. She didn’t even know why she acted that way.

Nick smiled at her cheekily, before they started to add the last touches to her costume. A pair of fishnet tights, some black gloves and a fake knife. Eden decided she was going to wear her old thigh high boots with it.

As they approached the checkout counter, Eden felt a mix of excitement and amusement. She surprisingly was pretty happy about her choice, and even more, she enjoyed the process with Nick.

Exiting the store, they headed back to their cars with bags in hand. Eden couldn't help but smile at Nick's infectious energy.

"Thanks for helping me pick something out," she said shyly but genuinely grateful.

Nick grinned. "Anytime, Eden. Now, let's make sure you turn heads and give everyone a good scare tonight!"

As they parted ways with a hug to get ready for the evening, Eden felt somewhat excited for the upcoming party, grateful for Nick's help in what she thought would be a complete disaster.

[la-princessaa]

In weird way, this post is a long time coming. Does it matter? No. Not particularly. Not to anyone other than me, really. But I'm going through a lot right now. Like, a lot. So I figure, I don't know, just... see where I've come from. The pictures are kind of important. To see how I used to look, the little girl I used to be. Show her some love and care that she needs. She was beautiful. But also be proud of maturing, celebrate getting older, and being alive. That's what these pictures are for. I'm going through a lot in regards to my body, my appearance, autonomy, mental health, and just general change and growth. Growing up. Getting older. Being honest with myself. And also remembering who, exactly, myself is. And carving out a space for me in my own life. Surprisingly hard!

I'm drastically different from 10 years ago. Obviously. 10 years is a long fuckin time. But also I'm one of the unlucky few (or many, I don't know) who had their mental illnesses really take off in their 20s. When I was 16, I was anxious mostly, with some depression. I felt very deeply, regularly, but most of it was happy. I was very sensitive. I did cry a lot. I didn't like the way I looked but I found ways to be happy and appreciate it. I broke up with my boyfriend and honestly. I cried for about an hour. And then I was done. The rest of my teen years were rediscovering myself, dealing with newfound trauma, worsening anxiety and depression, coping terribly, coping well, starting therapy, and just learning... How to be me. Or what exactly felt right. I was super cute, also. I'm baby.

In my late teens-early 20s I discovered that I have, at the very least, OCD-like symptoms in my anxiety. That consumed my life for awhile. My rituals, intrusive thoughts, ruminations, devoured my life for awhile. But I got it back eventually. Everything was... not fantastic, but it was okay. Y'know? I don't really remember a lot from anything before the pandemic, but, hey. Who does? After the pandemic hit, though, I got bad again. So bad, I had to get on medication.

Sometime in my early 20s, I decided I did not like the way I looked. I went to the doctor, saw my weight, went home and just cried. That's always been a struggle for me. Always. Ever since I was about 8 years old, maybe younger, my weight has been a subject. Either directly with me or to my parents from family or doctors. I'm realizing I grew up very different from some of my real-life peers. They didn't have to shop at plus-sized stores and spend exorbitant amounts of money to hope clothes fit. I feel joy and a twinge of jealousy now when I see how accessible clothing is now for fat people. It's fantastic, it's wonderful, but I do feel... some grief, every time, for younger me. I didn't realize I loved fashion until I started losing weight because I couldn't fit into anything. I didn't have variety. I had expensive ass Torrid. And a body that didn't match any of the models. And it was, always, just a little punch every time I went out to buy clothes and couldn't get anything fun in most other stores. Just a slow chip away at my self esteem every time I put something on and hated the way it fit me, hated the way I wasn't the acceptable fat shaped. Hated how I couldn't go into H&M and have anything fit. I still feel this way. I've lost a lot of weight, but these still chip away at me. I'm surprised there's anything left, at this point. Put on clothes, it doesn't lay right on my body. I have so, so much loose skin and it genuinely kills me inside every time I see it.

Anyway. I hated the way I looked, so I decided to lose weight. And it helped. It created a lot of anger and grief that I still have to sift through. A lot of anger at why did nobody tell me this was all it took, how everyone made comments but nobody helped me at all. Everybody was worried for me but nobody told me how to do it RIGHT. It was all no sweets, no fun, no nothing. Atkins. Which, for a teenager who emotionally eats? Fuck that. Plus, I was fine with how I looked, really, as a teen. Some stuff hit me wrong, I had parts I didn't like, but my biggest complex was my boobs. But that was due to a boyfriend. Anyways, I changed habits, it worked and helped. Until the pandemic hit. September of 2021, I bought a dress after getting a job, which was a whole other ordeal. But I put it on. It didn't fit right. And I went "oh". Something shifted that day. And I started down a path I haven't gotten off of. I ignored it, as long as I could. I think I did well. Hell, I started dating and stopped caring after awhile. I quit my job. Gained some weight back. Had a small, like, stupid small health issue that wound up affecting my confidence, and wuh-oh. I did a sharp, sharp left turn and was now having an absolutely terrible view of my body and how I fit into the world. It kickstarted a lot of problems. I went on websites I shouldn't, wandered through parts of Twitter that would make a grown ass, confident man feel terrible about himself. Looked through things I knew would hurt me, to make it all more intense. To see more "progress". I finally spoke up about it, and was like, I gotta get better. This isn't great. Which I have done several times before and since.

And then my world exploded.

Like, big-bang, everything I knew shattered, my world tilted and has never been the same. Every ounce of trauma came back, everything I've talked about here increased to a level I've never had before. I became so, so depressed. I've always been functional in my depressive states. Responsibility has always been stronger. But this time was so different. All I did was lay in bed and cry when I wasn't walking. I, at this point, had only self-harmed occasionally, and then suddenly it was so regular. I count this as when I developed my full-on eating disorder. In my fuckin mid 20s. Suddenly nothing fit me, everything sags, and let me tell you, that does not help. It makes it all worse, actually. I became genuinely suicidal. Like, "staring at my anxiety medication longingly" suicidal. My body dysmorphia is at an all time high, even now. I'm still not out of this. It's better, it's more... I'm doing more healthy, sustainable things, but it's still. bad.

I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore, or in my own head. Genuinely, I've forgotten who I am. As the months have gone on, I've found things that bring me joy or remember things that do, but it's like it's underwater. It's so dull. I think the last week has been the most I've felt like my old self in genuine years. I've done little things to try and fix this. I pierced my nose, which was awesome. I've had a surgery I've wanted since last year. To finally help me feel more comfortable in my skin. To take away a part of me that made me violently uncomfortable. Reclaiming my body to be mine and mine alone. I'm finally buying clothes that fit instead of "I need to gain weight, so I'll get this larger" clothes. It's just as harmful as buying clothes too small to create "goals", by the way. Because in my case, I haven't fixed what's made me drop all the weight, so I'm PETRIFIED of gaining it back. So the clothes are just baggy and don't show off what I like. I don't feel happy or confident in them. Just buy clothes that fit. Seriously.

I'm comfortable saying I'm finally on the mend. I'm not better. But I'm not laying in bed sobbing every day. I'm not self-harming every day. I still have a lot of work to do. A lot. I've become obsessed with being sexy, and desirable, that it's drowning out anything I would actually like. My depression, my eating disorder, my desperation to be accepted and desired and loved, are all drowning out anything that is me. I'm trying to get better. But Jesus, it's a struggle. I do appreciate how I've grown into my face, the nose piercing definitely does a lot. I do still wear what I enjoy, not what my brain tells me I need to wear to be sexy. It's a battle, but I have little victories, at least.

[indigoraysoflight]

Caryl prompt | Anon requested ❤️

39. “Did you really mean that?” / 10x14 'Look at the Flowers' Missing scene

TW: mentions of injury, mental illness themes aka Carol is not ok needs to be hugged forever by pookie.

~

It’s Never Too Late

What do you want? 

She ignored Alpha’s voice as it echoed in her ear on her walk back to Alexandria. Henry was still gone. Killing Alpha didn’t dull the endless grief he’d left behind. And now they’d lost Hilltop too.

She didn’t even know if Daryl and the kids had made it. She knew he’d make sure the kids were safe no matter what. But what if he didn’t come back home this time? No, he always comes back, she reminded herself. 

No matter what you do, you lose people… Daryl could be next, Alpha’s voice countered. 

His face after the cave kept flashing before her. The look of utter betrayal in his tear-stained blue eyes hurt more than the sharp, throbbing pain shooting through her body right now. It would’ve hurt less if he’d just hit me. Carol’s eyes filled with tears again.

She’d begged him to scream at her and tell her how despicable she was. But he would never. She knew him. That just wasn’t him. She was sure he hated her after that. 

I’m never gonna hate you.

Her heart had almost burst out of her chest with relief when he'd said that. For the long moment when he let the silence linger, Carol thought she’d lost him forever. Maybe he just said it because we were heading into battle that could've killed us both.

Alpha’s voice curled around the back of her skull again. What do you want? she whispered. Carol ignored her as the gates to Alexandria opened.

Daryl.

He stood before her with a slight scowl on his face. His eyes raked over her – lingering on her left arm. She took that moment to look him over – the injury on his left leg still had the tattered day-old bandage. His face was covered in new scrapes, but other than that, he looked intact.

If he’s okay, then Judith and RJ are okay too, she thought. Their eyes locked for a split second, and the intensity of it almost crushed her. She looked away, feeling the weight of his gaze follow her as she walked home. 

Carol dropped her things on the couch and tried to take off her jacket, but her arm refused to cooperate. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths, grimacing at the pain that stabbed her chest with every inhale. I’ve had worse.  

She only had a moment to recover when she felt him standing right behind her. Before she could react, he gingerly started peeling her jacket away – hesitating for a moment to see if she’d stop him. But she didn’t. He tossed the jacket on the couch and limped to face her. 

The softness in his gaze as he inspected her arm made her look away before she burst out crying. He stood firm, as his eyes flicked from her arm to her face. She could almost hear his look, I ain’t leaving until this is done.

He didn’t have to say anything, and she didn’t have to ask. She simply knelt down and held her arm out. He took it gently like he was afraid of breaking her. Unbidden, the memories from the cave rushed in at his touch. Take my hand. I dunno what to do anymore. We fight for our future, we don’t fight for revenge. You gotta come back with me, please.

Her eyes filled with tears, she took a deep breath and nodded. He anchored her and popped her arm back in place with a loud crack. Carol screamed in pain. Daryl knelt before her, a quiet apology in his soft blue eyes as they frantically searched hers for any more signs of discomfort. 

“I’m okay. Thanks,” she croaked. 

“I hadta. I’m..” he started. 

“-I know, it's fine,” she replied quickly before he could apologize. She couldn't handle that after everything.

He was about to stand when he suddenly clutched his leg and fell back down with a loud groan. Carol saw the red spot spreading on his bandage. Why did you kneel? She wanted to ask. Bringing the first aid box, she sat next to him and looked at him silently. I’m not leaving until I fix this, she thought stubbornly. 

His hair hooded his eyes as he looked away, chewed his lip, and nodded. And even though things were distant between them, that little gesture burrowed into the cracks of her soul and warmed her. She wanted to push the hair away from his eyes and see him. But she fought the urge by busying herself with his bandage.

She felt his eyes on her as she removed it, not fighting the tears when she glimpsed at the wound underneath. He went through so much to find C0nn^e. I did this. I may not have stabbed him, but I caused this, she thought.

Of course, you dumb slut, you killed the only woman who could’ve made him happy. You're the reason he's hurt in more ways than one. She wasn’t sure if the amorphous voice was Alpha’s or Ed’s or her own, but she agreed with it. 

“Don’t,” Daryl warned gruffly. His voice snapped her out of her thoughts.  

“What?” 

“I can hear ya thinkin’. Beating up on yourself, ain’t gonna fix anything. We still gotta deal with them skin freaks.” 

"How did you-"

"-You don't needta tell me shit, remember?" 

She sighed, and went back to redressing his wound the best she could with what they had. The silence lingered on until she felt a sharp sting on her face. She looked up to see him gently dabbing the cut on her forehead.     

"Thought you weren't coming back." His voice was soft, but the sadness in it cut through her like a knife.

I didn’t think I was coming back, either.  "But I did,” she said instead.

"Still got shit to do?"

Fix things I've broken. Silence the whisperers. Find C0nn^e. Fix us, she thought. What do you want? Alpha’s voice called out. She ignored it. 

"Yeah."

Their eyes locked again after he finished cleaning the cut on her forehead, and she wrapped the bandage tightly one last time.

"Thanks," he murmured.

Carol didn’t realize how much she wanted to be near him until he started walking away. As the distance grew between them with every limping step, her breathing got harsher. Her anxiety suddenly skyrocketed. I’m losing him. Maybe I’ve already lost him. I broke this. I broke us. Our luck’s run out. I’m losing him. He hates me. He’s leaving. 

What do you want? What do you want? Say it. Say it. SAY. IT. 

“DARYL.” 

Carol's voice cracked painfully – but she didn’t care. He stopped by the door and looked back. 

“You said you were never gonna hate me." Her voice shook, she tried desperately to steady it. "Did you really mean that?”

“Yeah.” His voice was soft but firm. She exhaled hoarsely and nodded. 

“Carol.” He waited until she locked eyes with him to continue. “I meant what I said. All of it.” 

As she held the weight in his gaze and his words, everything he’d said to her after she got back from the boat tumbled through her mind. 

Come on home now. It’s not like that, not at all. I need you to stay. Let's get on the bike and go. I need to know we’re on the same team. I’m the one you tell – me. We're gonna get through this together. Follow my light. I wanna be there for you. I’m never gonna hate you. We have a future.

Daryl peeled his eyes away and walked out, leaving her staring at the empty space he left behind. Carol clutched the bracelet on her wrist tightly and reminded herself again…  

It’s never too late because we have a future.

[reinemichele]

Well. I had a post typed up about my cat and then the tumblr app crashed and I lost everything I typed. So I'm going to try to retype it all and I'm not gonna be cranky about it ❤

I'm putting a read-more bc it'll get long and be more of a stream of conscious/disorganized ramble and discuss animal death/injuries, alcoholism, and familial abuse, so please don't feel like you need to read it, I'm just getting my thoughts out.

Hurhghughhghugh . yeah that's how I feel send post

No um let's see. I usually try to be more organized with these posts but I started writing this at 6 in the morning and my back really hurts, so sorry if it's disjointed and has any typos.

First of all, I debated making this joke but it's my grief and mental illness, so

Every time I try a new antidepressant something bad happens, and I felt especially wary because something bad also happens every birthday too. But I was out of refills, wanted to try something else, couldn't get in until Dec 27th, & felt silly putting it off for a superstition I don't fully believe in. All that said, when I got home and took my first lexapro at almost 5 in the morning, I hoped that it would make these next few weeks easier.

Anyway, it was around 11:30pm, and I wanted to go to bed but I was trying to stay up to spend more time with my pets. My 🅱ack still really hurts from petsitting, so I was on the heating pad with my glasses off.

My mom called for me using my name, not a nickname, which she only does when she's in pain or distressed. It took me a minute to find my glasses, so she called again, and that got my brother's attention bc again, hearing "Erin" = something's wrong.

I don't remember what she said, probably that there was something wrong with Buttercup. I followed her and immediately saw he had a bloody gash on his eye. When he saw my brother and I he started meowing and tried to walk, but his legs buckled. My brother scooped him up and took him into the bathroom to see where he was hurt. I noticed blood on his tail and on 3 of his legs, but couldn't see where he was bleeding from.

There's really not enough room in our bathroom for 3 people and a big cat, so my mom started calling emergency vets while I got the cat carrier ready with a clean towel.

My brother wanted to grab gloves as a precaution before putting Buttercup in the carrier in case he got defensive and asked me to watch him while he left. I sat down next to him and he meowed to me, panting, and pressed his head into my leg for comfort. I petted his head and told him it'd be okay. I didn't think it was going to be okay.

I changed into a warmer shirt and brushed my hair, my brother and I took turns using the bathroom. We each grabbed a water bottle and headed out.

My brother knows my 🅱ack hurts, so he asked if I was sure about holding the cat carrier the whole time. I really didn't think we would be bringing Buttercup home, so I said yes. I didn't want the jostling of the car to scare and hurt him more than necessary, especially after he was seeking comfort in the bathroom. My brother could, um, drive fast, and I could hold the carrier as still as possible and stick my fingers in the gaps of the bars. He would be scared and in pain, but cats are smart; he would be able to understand he was being cared for.

The entire car ride, he cried frantically and pushed his head into my hand through the cage. I meowed to him and told him it was okay and I was sorry he was in pain. The closest emergency vet was an hour away and we had to stop for gas. My 🅱ack was definitely aching but I think it was worth it.

We got there and everyone was very nice and attentive and quick. They called Buttercup handsome and quickly gave him a painkiller. After 10 minutes he was still hyperventilating and they were concerned about his oxygen intake, so they took him into a little transparent cubby they could filter oxygen into. At one point I heard a tech mutter that his oxygen stat couldn't be "that"; he'd be in a coma if it was. He took the reading again and said that it made more sense. I can't really know for sure this is the case, but I know from experience both with my mom's time in healthcare and previous pets that animals can hold onto survival out of sheer will and stubbornness no matter how impossible it seems.

It was difficult to watch him struggle to breathe. I could tell he was still meowing for us. I wanted to ask them to give him another dose or possibly just sedate him, but I knew that it would suppress his respiratory system further (hospice babey), so I tried to just bear watching him suffer without being able to comfort him.

An hour later they gave him another dose and quickly did an ultrasound and xrays. They explained the respiratory system thing I just mentioned and that that was why they were hesitant to give him more, but they did give him another dose soon after that because he was still so agitated. After a few minutes we noticed that his breathing stopped. They started CPR and I wanted to ask them to stop, but my brother had gone to the bathroom and I didn't want to exclude him from the decision. He got back, we made eye contact, and we both asked them to stop doing CPR. It had been 8 minutes.

They told us they were really sorry for our loss and explained what the xrays and ultrasound revealed. He had no fractured bones, but there was a hernia in his chest, his heart had moved away from the surface of his chest cavity, and either his lungs or diaphragm were punctured because there was a lot of air in his chest, causing pressure/pain in the chest and difficulty breathing.

They didn't really need to come out and say it: even if his heart hadn't stopped, the internal damage was so severe that there wouldn't have been anything they could do to save him. We knew that was most likely the case even before the tests, we just couldn't let him suffer and die at home in that much pain.

Because of the gash on his eye and the punctured organs, they thought it was more likely to be a big bird that picked him up and dropped him when he started struggling than a car impact.

They wrapped him in a red blanket and took us to a private room where we could say goodbye. I held him, kissed his head, held his paws, and cried with my brother. We called our mom to tell her and she cried with us. She told us that my dad's sister offered to pay the bill, and I wanted to say that she (my aunt) could go to hell, but we really aren't in the financial position to refuse. So I didn't say anything ❤ And she texted my aunt's payment info to my brother.

I don't want to fully get into our relationship with her but as of writing this, my dad's sister is already emotionally blackmailing us. And that's the least abusive behavior from the people in my family I don't speak with anymore ❤

Anyway

I tried to process and piece together what all the test results meant. He was most likely picked up by a big bird and then dropped from a pretty decent height, causing severe pain and internal damage. Either he was dropped in our yard and didn't have to go far, or he was dropped far away and managed to hop the fence to get back into the yard despite his injuries. Once there, he cried for help and comfort from his trusted humans. Despite the pain and lack of oxygen most likely making him delirious, he didn't get defensive at all, completely trusting us. He didn't even hiss.

Cats are notorious for finding a quiet place to hide when they're injured, especially if the injuries are lethal. None of my cats have ever done that; a testament to the mutual love and trust we're able to build with them.

We spent a little more time with him and then made the cremation arrangements and payment. We almost forgot the cat carrier in our... state. It was late and we'd been crying a lot.

When we got home we all tried to make lighthearted conversation, but ended up all crying anyway. My mom apologized and said she knew he was "my" cat, but she still loved him a lot. I told her she didn't need to be sorry and that I was glad that he was loved by all of us.

We got Buttercup for my 21st birthday.

Alcoholism and abuse is prevalent in my family, to put it lightly, and people kept pressuring me to go out and drink for my birthday. I didn't want to have to share my childhood trauma to get people to leave me alone about drinking. I was, like, possessed with terror that I'd try one drink and then either spend the rest of my life burning for alcohol, or give in and become one of the monsters in the family. My brother could tell this was really weighing on me and suggested we adopt a cat for my birthday. In 2017 our 24 year old cat died, and in 2018 our 21 year old cat died, so I was still grieving them and we had the room. He said he'd never seen my eyes light up so quickly as when he made the suggestion. I think what he left unsaid was he didn't realize that all it would take to make me look less haunted would be to suggest taking in a new cat.

It sounds cheesy, but I think to me, taking in a new pet for my 21st birthday was a physical reminder that I wasn't doomed to repeat the same cycle found in my family. My future was mine to decide, and I could make it one where I put love and kindness into the universe. Being 21 didn't have to mean living in fear of hurting children the way I was hurt.

I had every intention of walking into the shelter and taking home the oldest cat there. But I saw Buttercup and just felt a connection. He was around 12 weeks old and the cutest creamy orange color. His ears and paws were too big for the rest of his body. He looked lonely and scared. I circled the shelter multiple times until both my brother and one of the staff gently said it was okay if I wanted to take a kitten home.

My brother's more of a dog person, but when we got Buttercup, he started really trying to research and understand cats, and I could see it in his eyes how happy he was that Buttercup saw him as a paternal figure and not just me. He was worried about Buttercup being too young to eat real cat food, he wanted to help potty train him. He started carrying Buttercup around on his shoulder and showing him parts of the house he was curious about. I had a migraine the day Buttercup was scheduled to be spayed and my brother said he could do it on his own. He spent the whole day checking in on him and nervously asked me if this or that was normal, when his appetite would return, when the anesthesia would wear off.

This was a turning point for my brother. Usually every time we took in a new cat, I was the one socializing them and helping them adjust to the house. This enthusiasm and love for Buttercup made my brother start putting in effort to bond with all our cats too. It was really sweet to watch unfold.

When we got Buttercup, my mom was working a grueling job really far away, so she had to get up at 5AM for the commute and sometimes didn't get home until 9PM. She almost always had to go straight to sleep, had no time for herself, and felt very depressed because of this job. So for the first year that we had Buttercup, he barely saw her and was quite shy around her.

After she was able to find a different job, she had more time and was much less depressed. She made it her mission to become Buttercup's friend, and within a few months he became her morning buddy. Suddenly he was knocking her eyeliner out of her hand so her hand was free to pet him, and he had gotten over his fear of the sound of running water because he wanted to stay in the bathroom while she showered. My mom stopped dreading mornings because she could look forward to spending them with Buttercup.

So... there's a lot I could say about my "family", defined as people who I'm related to by blood. But I'm not in the right mental space or time-frame to talk about it without saying things I can't take back. But I've cut contact with a lot of the people I share DNA with, and the only ones who I consider to be my "family" are my mom, two brothers, and one cousin. (My dad is dead, for the record, he didn't do anything heinous; he's just in an urn). In this small family of mine, our greatest strength is that we have an endless well of love for all living creatures.

So I don't want my mom or brother to feel guilty for being heartbroken. We loved that cat together; we made him feel wanted and cared for and loved. So we can mourn him together too. There's no hierarchy here.

[whimsicmimic]

if you want to! tell us more about your lizard PCs because i’m so angry on your behalf from those tags

ohhhh i will HAPPILY talk about my old lizards, Especially the First Lizard, Avra Ree, because Avra Ree went on a fucking Journey.

So this! Is Avra Ree, she was a copper dragonborn and a death cleric, and she was my First Ever DnD Character. She was a fucking mess, both wrt stats (because none of us knew what we were doing; fucking TAZ:Balance taught me more about mechanics than my group at the time, and Balance was. Hooo boy.) and in terms of group cohesion, but that’s okay, because I loved her!

The gist of Avra was that she came from a clan of dragonborn that worshipped a goddess of death and rot. It was a heavily isolated group, and in leaving it to go on a pilgrimage, this would be Avra’s first time encountering the new world around her. She was full of love and joy, and she was Terrified of rain and water. She was a mortician, and regarded death with a certain gentleness and love. She also had a brother, who died from illness at a young age; she never really moved on from the grief, and kept his skull, which she kept with her and used as a spell focus.

The core themes of Avra’s character were isolation, love, and grief.

I’d play her like a few more times over the years (once in another campaign that never really took off the ground, and a few more times in one-shots) but it wouldn’t be a while until she came back.

In February of 2019, my buddy Hollis wanted to run a campaign. We were RP partners at the time! I went yea sure count me in!!!!!!

I knew I wanted to play Avra again, but I kinda wanted to mix up her design after the last few years of Lizard. so ENTER!!!! Marvey!!!!!!

Avra Ree would be rewritten as a firbolg grave cleric named Himemiya “Marvey” Llue.

Over the course of Everything, there’d been more lorework and detail given to her backstory and the setting of it.

She’d be from a clan of firbolg living in an archives that once was the hoarde of an ancient silver dragon, which was regarded as the savior of their people. They were dedicated to the preservation of knowledge above all else. Though the Great Dragon was long dead by the time Marv came about, the logul people were dedicated to the preservation of the hoarde and its expansion! On occasion, people would leave the mountain to go back out into the world and gather more books, articles, papers, newspapers, paintings — anything they could get their hands on, really. Go out, learn more about your field of study, come back and report what new discoveries had been made, if any.

Marvey’s mother would leave on a pilgrimage. She’d leave her kid and her husband behind with bright eyes and promises to be back in a few years, and then she never came back. So! Later on. Marvey would also leave. Head out into the world, find out what happened to her mother and maybe find some closure.

She’d become a cleric of Jergal, after finding a dilapidated temple of his that’d been taken over and inhabited by all sorts of imps and other nasty critters + helping clearing it out and tidying it up.

Core themes of her character were once again love, death, grief, and isolation, and some of her central conflicts revolved around trauma as a result of heavy childhood neglect, (more) grief, and also unlearning harmful shit from your upbringing and environment.

Also? Anger. Oh my god. Anger.

Marvey had ! Many, many issues. There was a big conflict between her and another party member early on that neither one of them really recovered from, and it ended up becoming a big issue that was slowly driving the party apart. Marvey was also fucking, deeply deeply angry and felt things VERY intensely, which ended up causing a lot of problems vis a vis character bleed for me, and it ended up negatively impacting my mental health to the point where we made the hard decision to let Marvey go + start playing another character.

We never found Marv’s mom, and Marv never got her closure.

Instead, Marv joined the mafia. She now — post campaign — acts as a doctor for the mob + runs a small community clinic by herself. She’s a fixture of her newfound community, and she’s fiercely protective of this small corner of the city she’s made for herself.

HOWEVER.

Avra Ree had a Real Cute Design, didn’t she? And I kinda wanted to play a lizard again after so many years. I made a lot of mistakes with Marvey; she was a source of conflict, when I wanted her to be more soft and warm, the glue that holds the party together. So when Marvey and Ish (Marv’s replacement)’s campaign ended, we decided to return to lizard.

Enter: Tamara Bhatt

This is Tama, my sweet beloved Tama. I love her So Much. She’s a brass dragonborn gunslinger/rogue. She is!!! Just A Guy! And i’m Insane about her.

She’s the oldest of five, and she comes from a very small town. She left home to head north into her country’s capital to apprentice under a weaponsmith. The way that she joined the party/campaign? Her mentor was having her deliver a package in person to one of their clients (an npc named Yu Huang, a famous actor and important political heir a few countries over. Tama and Huang would later become Best Fucking Friends.)

She’s Just A Fucking Guy, but she’s got some of The Best characterization I’ve EVER done, and I just really have a fucking blast playing her. I love this lizard so much. She’s just a guy. Just a small town lizard who went into the Big City to deliver a package, met some people, and now she’s so thoroughly entangled in this deep web of conflict with no way out. To protect one of our party members, our only options are to Get Famous, or Die Trying, and now? Tama’s in far too deep.

If I had to assign her core themes, they’d be identity, what it means to be brave, family, and isolation vs community. And Love, of course. You can fit So Much Love in this lizard.

It’s been really interesting though! Because Avra most certainly became Marvey, but Tama’s character was certainly informed by mistakes I made with playing Marv. Marv was a character who would’ve been really fun to read in a story, sure, and I love her to bits! But ultimately, she wasn’t a character well-suited for an improvisational cooperative game. She was too heavily developed, and it made her incredibly rigid. She was sweet and friendly, but INCREDIBLY stubborn and Driven. I wanted her to be a stabilizing force for the party, but she ended up becoming a source of conflict.

With Tama, though? I’ve actually managed to succeed! Tama is likeable! She’s the Big Sister of the party, the one people turn to for comfort, the mediator. There was a two-session gap where Tama actually died during combat, and her body had to be left behind, causing a lot of uncertainty and grief in the party because That’s Tama, and We Left Her Behind, and What If We Never Get Her Back? and ngl, it was genuinely Fascinating to see the hole Tama left in the party, because her absence was VERY MUCH felt!!!! You could see the arguments play out and all the spots where Tama would usually step in and help work things out, and it was ROUGH!!!!!!

But ! Idk man, I just think its Neat. That’s the story of my first DnD character, Avra Ree, who paved the way for Marvey and Tama, all three of which who are Distinct, but also kinda overlapping still. Its neat!

[robotic-maid]

Long post stupid ramblings about my own grief sorry idk how to add a read more.

Tw: brief mentions of suicide, self harm, mental illness, sexual trauma and substance abuse (woah holy shit that’s a lot)

…..

Mornings are really rough for me, the passage of time itself scares me in a way I can’t always put into words. Every morning I wake up and it feels like the morning after something sad and painful just happened. Because of my ptsd I have reoccurring nightmares, and in these dreams I relive some of the most painful things I’ve gone through. Sometimes it’s the night I was attacked and chased into a closet, sometimes it’s my 18th birthday when I no longer could stomach anyone else seeing my body, sometimes it’s the morning after I was discharged from the hospital after failing to take my life again, and sometimes it’s the morning after I’ve lost someone I loved, either because they died; or because they hated the person I was becoming.I don’t know how long ago these events in my life really happened.

Even events with solid dates, feel like they were yesterday. When I was younger I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming. So alone in my grief all I could do is curl up in a little ball. As I got older I found it was easier to sleep if I took whatever I could get my hands on. And I got my hands on harder stuff after I became disabled. This period in my life feels like static. I was happy I think, but my brain didn’t process anything at all. Like I was stuck in time where days didn’t have a beginning or end. Getting therapy was so difficult, I had to do everything myself, and with family who denied what happened to me, or blamed me for it.. it was hard.

I moved out, I got therapy, I got in an accident on my bike after a fight with some friends on my way home, I got swerved and I wasn’t wearing a helmet. I suffered head trauma for the 3rd time in my life and I got amnesia for the past two years. I didn’t know where I was, who my friends were, how to do my job. And I felt better. I felt relieved and happy to be able to start over. I would get flashes of fear, and pain, and sadness, but they felt like scenes in a movie I couldn’t remember the title to. I worked through these things with my therapist and I was finally able to get medication for my multitude of issues. I was so happy I cried.

Regular therapy and antidepressants and exercise and living away from people that hurt me helped me even out. Outwardly I “healed” from everything. I thank the car accident for lessening my burdains, even though it makes me feel like a stranger in my own home, in my own body. I finished up my 2 years of therapy and now I only go in for an evaluation of how I’m coming along. I can look normally for the most part, my hands have healed up that I can draw semi-regularly, and my addictions have subsided I don’t hurt myself anymore. I still get nightmares, but they will never really stop, I don’t wake up crying or anything.I’ve made peace with the things I’ve destroyed, and I’ve forgiven the people that broke me. But recovery is not a straight road. It’s going to get worse again, and I’ll have to be alone when it happens. Maybe that’s why I’m still scared of waking up every day… because I’m always bracing for something to happen to reset my progress and push me back 10 steps. I guess that’s the price I pay.

[a-lonely-dunedain]

for the OC fruits n' veggies interview~

tossdir: red apple, carrot, mango

ethedis: cucumber, eggplant

margim: onion, broccoli, hot pepper

celeair: peach, leafy green, strawberry

oooh that's a lot of good ones! sorry it took me a bit tho lol

Tossdir!

🍎 [RED APPLE] Who does your OC value above all else?

Would it be cheating to say Meneldir? Everyone already knows that! So let’s say post Sarch Vorn… hmmm, that’s a tough one, he’s very close to a lot of people. 

There’s his older cousin and last living family member/sort-of almost father figure Bragadir, who stepped in to help raise Tossdir after both of his parents died tragically and Babyranger-Meneldir was still unequipped to care for his kid brother. Bregs says he’s not the best at it, but he’s Trying His Best and cares SO much about lil Toss ;-;

Then there’s Galasebdir and Gorwen, who provided much needed support after he lost everything in Sarch Vorn, and did everything in their power to help him feel welcome among the rangers again after his long absence. The ones who so adamantly tried to show Tossdir that he wasn’t alone during one of the most painful times in his life, and were probably the first rangers he befriended and truly felt like he belonged with after being away for so long.

And then of course there’s his best friends and traveling companions, Etheids and Corunir! The ones who would go to hell and back with him, the ones who always have his back in and out of combat! Ethedis always being there with encouraging words and an infectious smile, Corunir who seems to have a much deeper understanding of what he’s been through than most others.

If I had to pick one to say he values the most though, I would say Bregadir but it’s Close. All of these people are very very important to him, but he has known Bregadir for the longest.

🥕 [CARROT] How tough is your OC against certain situations? How weak are they against others?

In tests of physical fortitude Tossdir is incredibly tough, he can take beating after beating and get right back up to fight afterwards (even when he really should stay down so he doesn't die oops)

However when it comes to tests of mental fortitude, (like the Nazgul’s dread/black breath, the Grey Fear’s bodysnatching, and whatever the heck is going on with Saruman) he’s… well I wouldn’t call him weak by any means, but he’s really ill equipped to fight against these things. I think that most powers of The Enemy are generally more potent against people who are experiencing a lot of grief or don’t have much hope, and unfortunately for Tossdir that puts him at a pretty severe disadvantage, and he can’t hold out as long as other Dunedain might be able to.

🥭 [MANGO] What colours best represent them and why? Does this differ from their favourites?

I generally associate Tossdir with red, browns, and green (in that order). The meaning behind red is pretty clear I think, it’s a color that’s strongly associated with Meneldir and is most prominent on Tossdir’s scarf that originally belonged to him. I also think red is Tossdir’s favorite color as well, it looks good on him and matches his hair.

As for the browns and greens, I just think they offered a nice contrast to all the reds and they’re also very ranger-y colors in my mind (and strikingly absent from Meneldir’s design, save for the pale grey-green in his eyes)

Ethedis!

🥒 [CUCUMBER] How innocent are they (unaware to the bad happenings around them)?

Around the start of the epic line? Very! She’s been Elrond’s apprentice in Rivendell for a very long time before this, and the trip to Ered Luin was really her First Big Outing and real exposure to the danger of the world. Before that she was kinda sheltered. That’s not to say Elrond didn’t try to prepare her for the dangers outside of Rivendell, but hearing about something is a lot different from seeing it firsthand y’know? 

Like she knows things are dangerous out here, but it takes a little bit for it to really sink in for her. I think she gets a very rude awakening when she can’t save Amdir. Up until that point she had at least been able to save people, like the sick dwarves in Ered Luin and Prince Avorthal. There was very real danger but everyone was more or less ok in the end, unlike here in Breeland, where Ethedis’ first ranger friend Amdir dies horribly and she really can’t save anyone. Not Amdir, not the other rangers, no one.

it really got to her, and she promised herself that she wouldn't let something like this happen to her new ranger friend Tossdir

[EGGPLANT] How are they used by others? How easily are they tricked into this?

Y’know surprisingly she’s not used by people all that much. Despite the fact that I write her as very friendly and trusting, I don’t often put her in situations where people take advantage of that. I think that’s just because it’s something I personally wouldn’t like to see happen to her I guess. I mean there’s the Sara Oakheart thing of course, but besides that she generally has someone (usually Coruinr) watching out for her, so her trusting nature usually isn’t taken advantage of (even though by all accounts it probably should be)

Margim!

🧅 [ONION] What is surefire to make your OC cry? Who knows of this information?

It’s very hard to make her cry. She’s an expert at burying her emotions when she starts to get upset, by necessity rather than choice. Anytime a topic that really strikes a nerve is brought up, she just gets stone faced and shows no outward reaction; save for being even quieter than usual.

The only time she can cry is when she really, truly, lets her guard down. So far Celeair is the only person she’s ever been able to cry in front of. As for a surefire way to get her to cry, I would say if you somehow managed to get her talking about her childhood. She remembers very little of it, but she knows enough for it to be incredibly traumatic. I don’t really want to go into too much detail about that, but suffice to say, it was pretty bad.

🥦 [BROCCOLI] What do they hate about humanity/their species?

Margim doesn't consider herself to be a Black-Numenorean, but thanks to her appearance she’ll never be able to escape having an association with them. Yellow eyes and blackened blood are kinda hard to look past after all, especially if you know what those traits mean. There’s a lot of reasons to hate Black-Numenoreans, but I don’t feel like most of them apply here just because Margim would never call herself one. 

The title of Black-Numenorean is given to those who choose to serve Sauron after all, and Margim never willingly did so, but unfortunately she still got stuck with the marks denoting her as one who has. And those marks are what she hates the most, a constant, inescapable, reminder of where she came from and the evil that is tied to it.

🌶️ [HOT PEPPER] Who would your OC declare their sworn enemy if they could meet them?

UNGRAKOR 100%. BITING KILLING MAIMING 

Even though Margim will likely never know that he’s actually her biological father, she would hate his guts anyway. He’s the Captain of the Pit, the one who oversees Udun and is both directly and indirectly responsible for all the horrible shit that goes on there, she has every reason to hate him! 

I mean don’t get me wrong, she’s terrified of him, he’s got a reputation and she’s well aware of the things he’s capable of, but I think that fear could turn into bloodlust reaaaal quick if she got pushed in the right direction.

Celeair!

🍑 [PEACH] How do they show their kindness? How kind are they truly?

*slaps top of Celeair (gently)* THIS BAD BOY CAN FIT SO MUCH KINDNESS IN THAT MASSIVE HEART OF HIS.

I think his kindness most often manifests as just gentleness. Not just when he’s tending to someone’s injuries, but also how he’ll always be ready to offer his shoulder to cry on and softly speak words of comfort and encouragement. His kindness is quiet and soft like a warm blanket, always there when you need it.

He’s also the kind of guy who will gift people random trinkets that make him think of them. Margim offhandedly mentions that dandelions are her favorite flower? Well guess he’s always going to stop and pick her some whenever he comes across a patch of them! You say blue is your favorite color? Well now he wants you to have this neat blue feather from one of his bird friends! he just likes to give people little things he finds, a lil reminder that he's thinking of them :>

🥬 [LEAFY GREEN] How mundane are they? Do they like it that way?

He’s just a simple guy who wants to heal people and talk to trees. Sure, maybe he could learn to blast fire out of his hands or call down lightning upon his foes, but why would he? At the end of the day he’s a pacifist who wants nothing more than to ease the hurts of those around him and cuddle with his cool wife. Truly, the kind of guy we should all aspire to be. He is quite content to be out here living the cottagecore dream

🍓 [STRAWBERRY] How do they feel about 'cute' things?

He absolutely loves them! Small and large woodland creatures? Flowers and tiny mushrooms? That half-stifled laugh Margim does when he makes a bad joke? They’re all adorable to him and he loves them SO much!

[the ask game]

[siancore]

Hello dear,

I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for your loss. I saw your post with all the crossed out text, and I've been there, felt that kind of grief. It's such a heavy burden to bear, especially when you feel like you're alone.

You aren't alone dear. I know we don't know each other irl and we don't even really talk on here, but I care about you. Your content makes me smile. I'm always down to talk or to listen to you vent. I'll sit in that grief with you for as long as you need or want me to because I get how lonely it feels when you've lost someone.

It's okay that you have these feelings. Please don't think I'm trying to invalidate them. I just want you to remember that feelings aren't facts. You can feel survivor's guilt and know that it wasn't your fault. You can feel alone and like no one cares even when it's not true. It's okay to feel these things, but try your best to act on the facts, even when it's so hard to do it.

I'm proud of you for feeling your grief. It's a hard emotion to deal with. I think you're brave for letting yourself experience it instead of burying it. I hope there's comfort in fond memories of your loved one and distraction in your hobbies and love still in your life. I wish you nothing but love and healing.

Take care 💜

Oh, and you don't have to respond to this if you don't want to. I just wanted you to know I care.

Thank you for this. It's actually really thoughtful and helpful.

I've been worried about sitting in my grief, even though I need to, because I'm in quarantine and feeling some cabin fever. Haven't felt the sunshine in a week. My sister, who passed away, was the one who helped me not to feel so trapped and took care of me when I was sick (we lived together). It's been rough to regulate my emotions while feeling like I'm completely alone. I know if I don't regulate my emotions, I'll end up worse off mentally. Feeling physically ill doesn't help the situation.

I am sad and angry, and I blame myself. Survivor's guilt is a motherfucker! It wasn't meant to be like this, and I do blame myself for not being a better sister. For not being more protective. For not pushing her harder to get the help she needed. I'm so sad and angry, and I know I have to feel this way for me to come out the other end of the grief and be okay. I'm just scared that my situation right now, being in quarantine away from other people, and feeling alone, is going to be detrimental to my emotional and mental wellbeing. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge. My art and writing have kept me sane, but I'm so tired and sad and angry and I can't soothe myself because I am trapped in my bedroom, finding it hard to breathe.

I've found comfort in the fact she isn't in pain anymore, and that outweighs my selfishness in wanting her here. Everything just feels odd. It feels wrong and empty. I feel guilty for having to go on without her.

I appreciate you reaching out to me like this. It really does help. Thank you for being so kind and generous with your energy. I know it's not easy to be there for someone when they're hurting and feeling big emotions like anger and sadness, so I really am grateful for your offer to sit with me and talk.

I hope things are feeling okay for you x

[caitsmith08-blog]

People make me out to be a monster, but I’m not. I’m a stranger they want to force ill will upon, yes I’ve made my mistakes…. I’m human. Is that not the only way we learn? Today I went digging, this woman, accused me of being a “killer”, for the longest I couldn’t make sense of it. This woman doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know I have a heart of gold and soul that’s pure, that I share empathy with a homeless person or animal. That I do good deeds when no one is looking and without video. So, I’ve been carrying this burden, of this strangers opinion on me. Bc I’ve always wanted to be accepted, loved, cared for, appreciated, so on and so fourth. And for the longest, I was exactly who I wanted to be, the life of the party, a hometown celebrity if you will. A household name. Then I bought bad drugs. Drugs that took the life of one and almost 3 others, drugs that I think about daily, bc they were daily, not to the point of addiction per say but…. Socially acceptable. Except that night, they weren’t. What I thought to be cocaine turned out to be pure fentanyl. What I thought was the unimaginable became my reality, it didn’t just hit home, it hit me. And everyday since October 4th I’ve thought about my misfortune that claimed a life of a man I truly loved. I feel guilty, most people, good people, tell me they wouldn’t expect any less…. But I couldn’t hurt any more. To me, in a sense, I took a man away from a woman he loved, kids he created, and a family that unconditionally loved him. And believe me, if I could change places with him, I would, in a heartbeat but back to this woman. So, I got in somewhat of a mental rage, and looked up this lady on social media, basically to dig up dirt to hit her where it hurt, because she hurt me. And, well, truthfully, people don’t forget. Then when I got to digging I saw her son had passed, of an overdose. So, everything in my body that wanted to put physical harm on this woman for socially downgrading me and emotionally ruining me…. It started to make sense. I’m sure her son passed of a similar incident. Now, I didn’t go too far into it but I’m sure it hit home for her, her anger wasn’t necessarily aimed toward me but perhaps to the person who she feels like, took away her son. The thing about grief, is there’s no instruction manual how to deal, bc everyone is wired differently. 3 months to the exact date I received a phone call from my father that my 20 year old nephew was “gone”. At the time I couldn’t really comprehend what gone meant, gone where? Where did he go? And then he repeated himself, “he’s gone Caitlin”, and in that moment I knew what he meant. And he was such a good kid, heart of gold, saved baby birds, was into Pokémon, hugged before you left…. My heart hadn’t healed from this man I loved, shared an obscene amount of time with, considered his family mine… and now my baby nephew?! Why? How? When? How did I not see the signs, being somewhat of an addict myself, now - I don’t want to water it down…. I never had shakes, or illness, stole, there was never really consequence to my actions… I never ever, ever considered myself an addict. But I was, I am. I’m addicted to the escape, to the feeling of being something other than me, to feel alive, to not care, to rage, I felt like when I was drunk and on drugs, I was the true version of myself. And maybe, in a sense I was. But I was also manipulated, mean, hateful, angry… and it was no one’s fault but my own. You are how you let people treat you, and I was a doormat, until I wasn’t then I was just…. Hateful. All the time. And I feel like these emotions are similar to the lady that passes judgement without knowing me. It’s true what they say yanno, misery does love company. Sad truth of the matter is nobody wins out of those equations bc at the end of the day all the anger, remorse, sadness, regret in the world will bring back ur loved ones, the hardest path I’ve ever taken was the road to forgiveness. Forgiving myself, forgiving the ones who can’t forgive me, forgiving the people I hold accountable, forgiving everything and everyone…..

[collapsedglasshouses]

WOULD YOU SAY I'M WORTHY || PART FIVE

PAIRING: Noah Sebastian x OFC ; slight Nick Folio x OFC

DIVIDERS BY @saradika-graphics

SUMMARY: When Eden meets Noah, her life is anything but perfect. Her heart is far more broken than Noah can even guess at this point. Will he be able to mend the wounds he hadn’t caused?

WARNINGS: angst, fluff, eventually smut, mentions of grief/loss, mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of mental health issues, mentions of illnesses

A/N: Hi! First of all, I am deeply sorry this took me so long. A lot of stuff was happening in my life and I just decided to take my time and work through stuff. There wasn't a lot of time left to write. This chapter was written back in May, I just never came to upload it since I didn't really know where to go with the story at this point. Right now, I'm trying to get back into it and I hope you can forgive me for letting you hang in the air for so long. This isn't proof read but I'll go over everything once I'm finished with the story.

If you wanna be added to / removed off the story's taglist or my taglist in general, leave a comment or message me privately!

MASTERPOST || MASTERLIST

Eden’s heart was beating fast. She was nervous. In fact, she was so nervous she had been biting her fingernails like crazy the second she had opened her eyes that morning. She felt like she hadn’t slept at all the previous night, her mind always making up the worst nightmares imaginable every time she tried to close her eyes. She couldn’t think about anything else but the fact that she was in fact a widow at the ripe age of 27.

If that fact hadn’t hurt enough on its own, she also had the difficult task to tell the news to her closest people. Ryan, Dylan’s younger brother, had reassured Eden that he would book flights for him and Raven as soon as they ended the call.

Eden was scared. She was so scared to tell them that Dylan was basically dead, because she herself couldn’t quite believe it. The only thing that slightly snapped her out of her anxiety was the fact that she would finally see her sister again.

Eden tried to ignore the jealousy creeping up her bones when she thought about Ryan and Raven. Her sister and Ryan were going to have what her and Dylan never had. A life together. Raven and Ryan had been together for almost eight years at this point. It was a picture-perfect story to tell. Back when Eden began dating Dylan over eleven years ago, Raven met Dylan’s younger brother Ryan. It was like a dream come true for their parents when the two also began dating but everything came crashing down on them when Dylan got diagnosed with a tumor as big as a ping-pong ball in his brain. After the horrifying news everything changed. Everyone became quieter. No one dared to crack a joke around Eden. Eden distanced herself.

Eden couldn’t help but think about their wedding. They didn’t even really plan to get married at all. One day they just randomly decided there was this possibility of doing it and the next they knew they were getting married with just the closest friends and family around. Eden thought it was going to last forever, that nothing in the world had the power to come between them. But life, as always, proved them more than wrong.

When the doorbell rang, Eden was finally snapped out of her thoughts. She noticed how she had been standing in the middle of her living room since she had gotten the message from Ryan that they had landed in Los Angeles. She felt how her hands became sweaty. It felt like she fell into a trance as she walked to the door of her home and stood in front of it.

It took another ring of the bell for Eden to finally grab the door handle and slowly opening said door.

“Oh my god, Eden! Finally!” Her little sister blasted in her ear and before she knew it she was wrapped into a tight and warm embrace. Eden wanted to return the gesture but she couldn’t even lift her arms to do so.

Her eyes shot right to Ryan, who was standing behind her sister. Eden hadn’t brought it over herself to tell him what had happened on the phone, but when Ryan saw the expression on her face, she realized he probably had an intuition what was about to happen. His smile faded slightly as they stared at each other.

“What’s going on?” Ryan asked in a concerned voice as he hugged her for a short second.

“I think you guys should sit down first.” Eden mumbled so quietly, she wasn’t even sure if she understood her words herself. She slowly lifted her hand to point in the direction of her dining room, causing Raven and Ryan to slowly enter her home. It was this moment, when she realized they never were at her home before.

After leaving Alexandria in a hurry to be with Dylan in Los Angeles, all her family members slowly began to distance themselves from her. She almost felt like she was poison to them. Nobody dared to get too close to her, fearing they would break her. The only two being semi normal to her were the two stepping into her home at the moment.

“Why aren’t we going to the hospital?” Raven asked with such innocence in her undertone Eden wanted to break down right at her spot. Ryan on the other hand was looking at Eden with his hands folded on the table like he was preparing himself for whatever was to come.

Eden took a deep breath while sitting down at the opposite side of the table. She felt like the words were stuck in her throat. It felt like every ounce of breath was pushed out of her lungs all at once.

“Eden?” Raven whispered and reached over the table to touch her older sister’s hand. Eden’s hands were shaking under her touch. In fact, her whole body was shaking. Raven knew her sister like the back of her hand. She knew it was hard for her to find the right words but she had never seen her in such a state. Not even when Dylan got diagnosed. It broke Raven’s heart to see her like this even though she had no idea what was about to come.

“Dylan is braindead.” Eden breathed out, her voice trembling and her gaze still fixed on Raven and her connected hands. “We need to discuss what to do now.”

Eden heard the gasp that slipped out of her sister’s mouth. She felt how the touch on her hand became firmer. After that it became quiet in the room. The tears started to burn in Eden’s eyes. She couldn’t look up. She couldn’t move.

“Are you serious right now?” Raven whispered and Eden noticed she was crying.

“If you think I would joke about this, you definitely do not know me.” Eden whispered out with a trembling voice. She didn’t want it to sound that rude, but she didn’t have the energy to filter her words in that moment.

It took another minute or two until Eden finally dared to look up. Her eyes immediately met Ryan’s and she felt like she needed to throw up. Ryan had the same eyes as his brother. The same shade of brown. The same shade that she adored so much.

“What are we supposed to do now?” Ryan asked, his eyes also slowly filling with tears. Dylan was everything Ryan had left of his family. They grew up without their father, who left them when Ryan was just two and Dylan was six. If that wasn’t enough, their mom died just five years prior in a car accident. It felt like Ryan just couldn’t get some rest. Eden always admired how well he handled everything but at this exact moment she realized that even the strongest people crack sooner than later.

“We-…” Eden began but her voice stuck in her throat. She swallowed down her upcoming tears, trying to be the support that the two in front of her needed right now. “We can either shut down life support or consider organ donation.”

Ryan let out a tone Eden felt like she would never forget. The cry he let out was so awful she felt like it imprinted itself on her bones. She watched how Raven wrapped her arm around him while not letting go of her sister’s hand.

It broke Eden’s heart to be the one to break the news to Ryan. She felt like she never came out with good news in the last couple of years. Every time she made herself known to anyone in her family, it always came with bad things.

She pressed her teeth together trying to not break down completely while hearing Ryan and Raven’s cries. Eden squeezed her little sister’s hand for a second.

“I don’t even-…” Ryan began to say but broke down in the middle of the sentence. He pressed his hands against his eyes in a pleading attempt to stop his tears. Another wave of cries escaped his mouth and Eden looked to the ceiling for a second. Her lip was trembling.

“I think we-…” Ryan tried to say again but like before he couldn’t get his words out.

“It’s okay.” Raven whispered, tears streaming down her face.

“I-… I wish I could make this any easier.” Eden stuttered out while crossing her arms in front of her chest in hopes of some kind of comfort.

They sat like this for what felt like hours, before anyone dared to speak up again. It was slowly getting dark outside and it felt like their lights were also taken from them in the process.

TAGLIST:

@measuredingold @cncohshit @circle-with-me @sitkowski @exitwoundsx

@jilliemiw86 @justeli6 @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @crossedxoceans

@bngurngheart @dream-machine-love @vinyardmauro @arkiliastuff @princessmarshmallowx

@thisbicc @xxkittenkissesxx @malerieee @smoke-in-diamond-shape @veronicaphoenix

@thatgirlforever5 @lacktoesandtoddlerants @missduffsblog

[emerald-chaos]

Daydream

**gif not mine! credit to the owner**

So, I couldn't help myself. This is a continuation of my previous Bucky fic Insomnia because I just really enjoyed the dynamic between Bucky and the reader. I had a lot of fun writing this part and I love building things up between the two of them. If you guys like this or are interested in seeing more - please let me know! I love talking with people and hearing their ideas and such.

Much love xo.

Pairing: Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 2079

Warnings: cursing, struggles with mental illness, mentions of sex (nothing entirely explicit but better safe than sorry), alcohol use, and really poorly written jokes lmao

Fingers threaded into hair.

Hot, opened-mouth kisses marking every surface of your neck.

Nails trailing down his back leaving raised, red lines in their wake.

“Oh my god,” you groaned as you let your head fall back and continued to rock your hips into the man in front of you.

Strong hands tighten their hold on your hips, sure to leave purplish-blue bruises for the morning.

“C’mon, baby,” he grunted, face buried in your neck as he helped your body to grind against his, “I got you. Let go, fuck, let go for me.”

A pair of slender fingers snapped in front of your line of sight, tearing you from your daydream and bringing you harshly back to reality.

“Hmm, what was that?” You blinked a few times before you turned your attention to the redhead who you, apparently, had been having a conversation with.

“Are you serious?” She laughed, “I’ve been talking for the past 10 minutes! I looked over and you had that far off, glossy look in your eyes. Not to mention you’re bleeding.”

A hand found its way to your lower lip and you realized she was right. You had been so lost in wet dreamland that you chewed a layer of skin off of your lip. You hoped she didn’t notice the heat rising in your face as you cleared your throat, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table.

“Sorry,” you muttered, pressing the tissue against your injured lip, “guess I got lost in thought.”

“Is it one of those flashbacks again?” She asked kindly, facial expression softening.

You nodded quickly, knowing fully well that the statement was a lie. Your gaze drifted over the woman’s shoulder to the subject of your previous thoughts. It would be easier to explain the common occurrence of your PTSD than it would be to explain that you were reminiscing on the hot, steamy, passionate sex you had the night before.

Bucky was situated across the room, leaning against the counter as he talked to Rogers and Wilson. The unfortunately tight, black, short-sleeve t-shirt he was wearing left nothing to the imagination. It accentuated every muscle of the body you had gotten to know so intimately not more than 10 hours ago. His muscular arms were crossed at his chest and he was sporting his signature scowl. Everything about the sight sent a shiver down your spine. You finally had a taste and you wanted more.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Your friend’s voice gained your attention once more.

A small smile found its way to your lips as you met her gaze again. Apart from Bucky, Nat had always been a good trauma buddy of yours. From the beginning she had been someone you felt like you could confide in and someone who would understand your troubles. Sometimes you wondered if a requirement of joining the avengers was to have a fucked up, tragic backstory.

“I’m okay, Nat.” You reassured, “Just got lost in my head again.”

“Whatever you say. Maybe the party tonight will help you get your mind off of things,” She mused as she pushed herself from the couch to stand up. She paused briefly before she turned to you again, “you are coming, right?”

“Yeah,” you snorted, “Tony actually threatened me if I didn’t go this time, so, I guess I have to.”

After the last party you skipped out on, Tony cornered you in the hallway and gave you quite the interrogation. Then he went on a spiel about how staying in your room all day and all night was bad for you and that if he didn’t know better he would think you weren’t appreciative of what he’d done for you and blah, blah, blah. Tony really was a good person underneath all that hair gel. All he wanted was to help you break out of your shell and give you the family he knew you were lacking. That didn’t mean he couldn’t be a pushy asshole.

“Good, I’ll see you there. I’m sure Barnes will too.” A devilish grin painted her lips as she watched your jaw drop. Before you had a chance to say anything she was off down the hallway.

Fuckin’ Natasha.

*******

A pile of clothes littered your bed as you slipped another dress over your form. Not once in your life had you ever been concerned about what you were wearing or what you looked like, but there was something about tonight that made you want to turn heads. Your eyes raked down your figure as you twisted from side to side, admiring the way the black dress hugged your body in all the right places. Not to mention the thigh high slit in the dress showed off probably the only body part you weren’t self-conscious about. Tony, being the theatrical and over the top man he was, once said that you shouldn’t show up to his parties if you weren’t dressed to court a royal or to bring a man to his knees. Guess you were shooting for the latter.

As you put the finishing touches on your look for the evening, you felt that familiar heavy feeling settling into your chest. Your body always had a tendency to go into fight or flight mode when you became too familiar with anything or anyone. It felt like every fiber in your body was screaming for you to retreat into sweats and stay in your room, to not allow yourself this opportunity to enjoy the people you’d grown so close to. You know what happens when you let people in.

Grief, trauma, coping - it made it really difficult to live a “normal” life. Everyday tasks are daunting, it can be next to impossible to have intimate friendships or relationships, and not to mention the intrusive thoughts that infect your mind on a daily, if not hourly, basis. Here you were, the happiest you’d been in years. You were finally in a place where you felt loved, comfortable, safe - and yet your mind was trying to self-sabotage again.

You took a moment to close your eyes and take several deep breaths. When you opened your eyes you locked eyes with your reflection in the mirror and made a pact with the girl staring back at you. The intrusive thoughts and self-doubt couldn’t continue to have a hold over you anymore. You gave yourself a small smirk and nod as you made the decision to throw caution to the wind and give the party a try. What’s the worst that could happen?

*******

Come to find out, the worst that could happen would be your competitive nature overcoming the rational, thinking part of your brain; which in turn would lead you to enter in a drinking contest. Thankfully a small portion of your pink, smooth brain was still functional enough to tell you when you’d reached your limit. Now you sat comfortably on the couch, legs tucked underneath you as you joyfully watched your friends argue.

“Dr. Banner, my friend, you are one of the most intelligent people I know. However, you are wrong.” Thor stated simply as he finished the rest of his drink.

“Thor, for the last time, water is not wet!” Bruce retorted, throwing his hands up in frustration.

You let out a loud snort before thinking, “Oh yeah, water. I should drink some water.”

Your feet planted themselves on the floor and slipped back into your pair of shoes. As you made your way to the kitchen you were pleasantly surprised by your balance and coordination, considering how much alcohol you’d consumed. Seems that drinking with Thor has done wonders for your tolerance.

While you were busy searching the refrigerator for a bottle of water, you were also oblivious to the soft sound of footsteps coming into the kitchen. After retrieving the beverage, you closed the door and turned to leave. Instead, you turned right into the chest of a figure that was definitely not there a moment ago. You yelped as you clutched a hand over your chest dramatically, your face filled with horror as though you’d just come face to face with the grim reaper.

“Jesus Christ, Barnes!” you scolded.

Bucky was holding his abdomen as he leaned back, consumed with laughter at your reaction. You huffed and wanted to be offended, but he looked so damn cute laughing that you couldn’t help but join him. You pushed his chest playfully and grumped as you hopped up to sit on the counter, opening the water to gulp about half of it down. Bucky couldn’t help but grin at your pouty state as he finished up his laughing fit.

“My apologies, sweets. Didn’t realize I’d be makin’ ya scream twice in one day.” He teased, grinning even wider as he did so.

Your jaw dropped at the comment, quickly looking around to make sure no one else was in the kitchen to hear what he had said. After seeing that the coast was clear you kicked your foot at him out of annoyance, only for his metal hand to catch it smoothly. The two of you locked eyes, motionless for a moment before he moved closer, sliding his hand from your ankle to your thigh. In the moment, you damned yourself for choosing this particular dress. The closer he got, the faster your breathing became. The contrast between his cold embrace and your flushed, warm skin sent a shiver down your spine. Abandoning the water bottle, you ran your hands up his abdomen and chest until they rested on his shoulders. Following a small nudge from his knee, you parted your legs to allow him space to stand between them. The heat in your face at an all time high as he pressed his flesh hand to your cheek.

“Haven’t been able to stop thinkin’ about you.” Bucky whispered as he stroked the apple of your cheek with his thumb. Each word that left his lips had you feeling way more intoxicated than any liquor you’d had all night.

As quickly as it started, his touch was gone and his back was turned as he opened the fridge. Before you had a chance to open your mouth to ask what the hell just happened, Tony was entering into the kitchen.

“Well, well, well. Surprised to see you here, Annie.” Tony beamed as he laid eyes on you.

Yes, Tony had nicknamed you after little orphan Annie. Yes, he also referred to himself lovingly as Daddy Warbucks. Yes, any person in their right mind would probably be offended, but you were just fucked up enough that you found it kind of hilarious.

“Wish I could say that it’s a pleasure, Tony.” You grumped back, upset that you’d been cockblocked and by Tony no less.

“Never lose that spunk, kid.” Tony winked as he turned to see Bucky retreating from the fridge with a beer in hand. “Inspector Gadget! Good to see you too.”

As much as you didn’t want to encourage him, you couldn’t help but laugh. Much to your dismay, Bucky simply raised his bottle to Tony as if to say “cheers” and padded out of the kitchen.

“He has such a way with words.” Tony teased as you rolled your eyes.

A sigh left your lips as you slipped off the counter and back onto the floor, muttering a “goodnight” before leaving the kitchen and heading back to your room. Although you wanted nothing more than to find Bucky and finish what he had started in the kitchen, you came to the conclusion that you were probably too drunk and definitely too tired.

Back in the comfort of your bedroom, you went about your normal nighttime routine. As you exited the bathroom, you couldn’t help but notice a piece of paper that had been slipped beneath your door. Grabbing the paper from the floor and plopping back onto your soft mattress, you opened it to read the note that was scribbled in black ink.

Never got the chance to tell you how gorgeous you looked tonight. Gotta say, I’m a big fan of that dress.

Sweet dreams.

- B.

When you finished the note, it felt as though you were floating on cloud 9. Even when you laid your head down and tried to welcome sleep, Bucky’s words were still replaying in your head over and over again - like they were lyrics to your new favorite song.

Turns out you were down for Bucky Barnes, and you were down bad.