caitsmith08-blog

[caitsmith08-blog]

People make me out to be a monster, but I’m not. I’m a stranger they want to force ill will upon, yes I’ve made my mistakes…. I’m human. Is that not the only way we learn? Today I went digging, this woman, accused me of being a “killer”, for the longest I couldn’t make sense of it. This woman doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know I have a heart of gold and soul that’s pure, that I share empathy with a homeless person or animal. That I do good deeds when no one is looking and without video. So, I’ve been carrying this burden, of this strangers opinion on me. Bc I’ve always wanted to be accepted, loved, cared for, appreciated, so on and so fourth. And for the longest, I was exactly who I wanted to be, the life of the party, a hometown celebrity if you will. A household name. Then I bought bad drugs. Drugs that took the life of one and almost 3 others, drugs that I think about daily, bc they were daily, not to the point of addiction per say but…. Socially acceptable. Except that night, they weren’t. What I thought to be cocaine turned out to be pure fentanyl. What I thought was the unimaginable became my reality, it didn’t just hit home, it hit me. And everyday since October 4th I’ve thought about my misfortune that claimed a life of a man I truly loved. I feel guilty, most people, good people, tell me they wouldn’t expect any less…. But I couldn’t hurt any more. To me, in a sense, I took a man away from a woman he loved, kids he created, and a family that unconditionally loved him. And believe me, if I could change places with him, I would, in a heartbeat but back to this woman. So, I got in somewhat of a mental rage, and looked up this lady on social media, basically to dig up dirt to hit her where it hurt, because she hurt me. And, well, truthfully, people don’t forget. Then when I got to digging I saw her son had passed, of an overdose. So, everything in my body that wanted to put physical harm on this woman for socially downgrading me and emotionally ruining me…. It started to make sense. I’m sure her son passed of a similar incident. Now, I didn’t go too far into it but I’m sure it hit home for her, her anger wasn’t necessarily aimed toward me but perhaps to the person who she feels like, took away her son. The thing about grief, is there’s no instruction manual how to deal, bc everyone is wired differently. 3 months to the exact date I received a phone call from my father that my 20 year old nephew was “gone”. At the time I couldn’t really comprehend what gone meant, gone where? Where did he go? And then he repeated himself, “he’s gone Caitlin”, and in that moment I knew what he meant. And he was such a good kid, heart of gold, saved baby birds, was into Pokémon, hugged before you left…. My heart hadn’t healed from this man I loved, shared an obscene amount of time with, considered his family mine… and now my baby nephew?! Why? How? When? How did I not see the signs, being somewhat of an addict myself, now - I don’t want to water it down…. I never had shakes, or illness, stole, there was never really consequence to my actions… I never ever, ever considered myself an addict. But I was, I am. I’m addicted to the escape, to the feeling of being something other than me, to feel alive, to not care, to rage, I felt like when I was drunk and on drugs, I was the true version of myself. And maybe, in a sense I was. But I was also manipulated, mean, hateful, angry… and it was no one’s fault but my own. You are how you let people treat you, and I was a doormat, until I wasn’t then I was just…. Hateful. All the time. And I feel like these emotions are similar to the lady that passes judgement without knowing me. It’s true what they say yanno, misery does love company. Sad truth of the matter is nobody wins out of those equations bc at the end of the day all the anger, remorse, sadness, regret in the world will bring back ur loved ones, the hardest path I’ve ever taken was the road to forgiveness. Forgiving myself, forgiving the ones who can’t forgive me, forgiving the people I hold accountable, forgiving everything and everyone…..

[caitsmith08-blog]

I dream of what it would be like to be wealthy, I see sunshine, sand, and a coconut full of my favorite concoction. I think money would bring me pure joy, but does it? You see all the time how wealthy people take their own life, why? Depression, anxiety, loneliness? What exactly is the recipe for a healthy fruitful life. Love, compassion, and loyalty I used to think was all so simple. But it’s not, it’s entirely too easy to get away with white lies wrapped up like hair Tye’s. Twisted words left so meaningless and yet everyone’s hurt. Why are we hurting when there’s so much love to give? Bc it’s harder to receive love when everyone has ulterior motives. I think I’m such a good person bc I do good things but I do good things for good karma, there’s my ulterior motive. I don’t be good to be good I’m good bc I think someone is always watching, even if it be my own conscience. I try to be good bc I want to be deserving of the lottery, I want a perfect life with a perfect wife. And yet I have a candidate for just that, and I continually hurt her like a back to back heart attack. Idk who I am anymore, god give me a sign.

[caitsmith08-blog]

Today is hard, like most days I dwell on my past and try to make sense of it and what lesson I can take from it in moving forward. My sister, who recently lost a son, her baby, my nephew, tends to write meaningful words with every picture or video she posts of him. So much you can feel it, her pain, the love she had for him, the grief she is dealing with, and the regret mixed in with grieving she goes through every single day. My nephew unfortunately pass of an overdose, something that’s taking young lives away all too soon and common now.

I had just recently lost a friend two months before my nephews tragedy, due to the same circumstances. And, like my sister, I weigh a lot of that blame on myself. I carry it with me daily, running through several scenarios of how if I had just once more chance how I would’ve done things different. And how I would’ve easily had taken his place if given the chance. I replay it simultaneously everyday at least once if not several times throughout the day. When I hear a motorcycle, the sound of someone saying his name, songs we listened too in high school, nice days, gloomy days, you name it - I’ve had a reflection thought. But one quote my sister said, that stuck out to me was, “it’s hard to forgive other people, it’s nearly impossible to forgive yourself.” And man, is she right, she blames herself for not knowing the struggles of his addiction and why someone would chose to become an addict.

The reality is no one chooses this life, it’s a temporary escape from real world problems and thoughts. It hinders that little voice most of us have in our heads of how things should be; It’s masking the fact you don’t feel good enough, or you’ll never find love, you won’t be as successful as your peers or members of your family, you’ll never graduate from college, or in my case “you’ll wind up just like your mother”, which cuts like a hot blade through a stick of butter, because as much as I don’t want to be like her - I am. But not because she’s an avid alcoholic for which I carry traits of, but she had so much self love she never really learned how to love anyone else properly, almost as if she was too selfish, for her husband, for her kids, for her siblings, and even some friends along the way….. but that’s a whole other story.

The thing with addiction is the majority of us addicts use it as a crutch…. All the while usually digging us in a deeper hole of who we want to be and making it even harder to get out of and accomplish. Everything isn’t meant for everyone. And I say that lightly. I don’t believe there “is someone for everyone”, I think some people don’t deserve love bc of how they abuse it. I don’t think everyone’s meant to be as intelligent as the guy that cured cancer, or as strong as the guy with a full ride to OSU, or as hardworking as the single mom attending 14 credit hours and a job to survive. I think we all have our own little story here then that’s it, I’ve personally gotten blessed with the fact I found people to have loved me, no whether they love me for me or the front I put on most days I don’t think I would want to know. I’ve said with a smile on my face if the higher power takes me out right now I’ve lived a relatively decent life, I’ve traveled, I’ve tried new things, I partied, the lord knows I ate, and I laughed…. Man I miss really laughing. You see when you carry a burden like mine, it’s so much harder to laugh. You feel guilty for it, like “he’s not here to laugh, why are you having such a good time” and I catch myself purposely making sure I feel miserable. I am the queen of self sabotage. I’m the “if it sounds too good to be true, it’s probably is” glass half empty kind of gal. And since the passing of my good friend I have found sobriety is most areas, except alcohol. I cannot seem to let up on alcohol for the life of me. Bc it does, give me that “I’m normal” sense of feeling, it does ease me into a sleep for that which I cannot get when I am stone cold sober, it helps me talk about things I normally bury beneath my deepest darkest secrets, and yet it is still hell on two wheels. If I don’t get my way, if someone side eyes me, if I take what someone said personal, it takes me into a low state of depression and anxiety than what I began with. Now I’m contemplating suicide and telling myself no one would care or the world would be better off…. So how do I control this monster? How do I find forgiveness within myself? Will I ever have the chance at a normal life again? Will I allow someone to love me without thinking it’s temporary bc how can someone like me ever truly be loved? Hug your loved ones a little tighter today, tomorrow is surly never promised.

[caitsmith08-blog]

First time

this was my first time feeling like this. first time iver ever felt hated

first time I’ve always felt like all eyes were on me

first time an enemy

I’m used to always being the celebrity

every picture in the building was taken with me

now the universe has changed, everyone’s acting strange. People I thought were better than that, showed me true fangs.

idk really how to express myself, I used to do it all living through wealth. And now here I stand, hit below the belt.

learned today on podcasts, religion is bullshit and we’re the cast. No pun on those who believe in god, but if God is real he is a SOB.

that’s son of a bitch for those who can’t tell, rose painted glasses never showed you how to smell.

wait until your judgement day comes, because you’ve sinned like I’ve sinned and that is no pun.

you know how the saying goes, I’ll see you in hell, I at least admit that I’m savage, you still living in a fairy tale. ✌🏼